#i wish id killed myself like i was going to | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bentosandbox · 2 days

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AK Fest posting part 1

because i have so many pics to go through

There are two halls, the one with official/fan stuff and the actual theme park-ish one This post covers the first because image limit

The tickets were sold on Bilibili so I got them myself, you also have to register your name and ID and I got a VIP ticket so I got to sleep in little later (i think it was like 298 vs 598 RMB... you get more merch and 1 hour earlier entrance/shorter entry queue, but apparently so many people lined up early on the first day they let the floodgates loose at 8 plus and merch sold out by 0930 lmao) Idk how unfair it'd be (not sure how many tickets they sold per tier) but I kind of wish the VIP let you fastpass the attractions too kuxiao

I went on the 4th which was the second…? day and before I went in I had to scan a qrcode to basically upload a selfie lol (surprisingly didn't have to do this for the concert they just looked at my passport punched in the funny numbers on a device and let me through a manned door)

You get a totally not infection monitor to tap at every location, and if you scan the qr code on the underside it brings you to a miniapp on wechat that shows you your progress and queue estimates (there was also some quest thing that i forgor to do i think you get doctor stickers for it)

I headed here first because I wanted to pass some stuff to an oomf at the doujin area (first pic is the queue...) they invited a bunch of fanartists (that post regularly on skland? not sure) to table there kinda cool with a showcase of fanart

sorry it was impossible to take a nice pic of the chummer gk I TRIED

bought an eyja collab tea bottle cause it was from vending machines compared to the fresh drinks (i didnt get to try the chen one cause uh… i forgot basically the naixue near my hotel was always out of the drink set w/ the bonus merch)

I'd post so many photos but the 10 image limit is kinda killing me over here... they had this huge area to look back at all the events basically

Area with production materials and some merch wips like I saw the justice knight figurine that I can't post because I already have 10 images on here ahhhhh WAIT I CAN JUST EMBED TWEETS ON HERE

Old tweets about the Free Stage that day which was basically public karaoke guillotine

and the frostnova memorial

#arknights #bentotexto

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bulle-blackhole · 1 year

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#im sorry i wont be alive by the time new years come #im sorry theres no way i can make it #i would rather had lived in the streets than come back here #i starved myself the moment i arrived and yet i heard him say i was fat and was letting myself go #i know she said nothing or simply rolled her eyes #arent parents supposed to protect you #ive never had someone defend me fully #i dont know what its like for someone to care in front of my face. to make it known i matter to others #i cant do this. im going to spend my days in fear and paranoia with no privacy #i wish id killed myself like i was going to #like i almost did #i wont make it before next year.#tw #vent #vent post

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carnivalcarriondiscarded · 8 months

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ohhhhmygod im gonna be sick. actually nauseous and i did it to myself - there was a spider on the countertop and i Panicked, grabbing the first distance-killer i could grab. it was a grease cleaner spray. i buried it in the stuff, walked away to recover mentally, came back

it fucking fell apart and dissolved into the cleaner. i both feel horrible and im disgusted beyond words. how the fuck do i get rid of it

#slamming my face into a wall repeatedly #i cant leave it there to deal with after Sleep #bc my cats like to go onto the countertops when no one is looking #and i dont want either of them to get poisoned #but i cant rinse it into the sink with the faucet hose bc there's stuff in the sink #but idk if i can bring myself to do dishes with That next to me #and my fear of spiders is so intense that i Cannot get close enough to take care of it with a towel or somethin #im very good at fucking myself over in various ways!#if i had an appetite id lose it. permanently #what if! instead of dealing with it! i curl up in a corner and cry #except im not gonna do that ive filled my tears quota for the year & doing nothing wont help anything #sorry for venting again i just. ohhhhh this is horrible this is Terrible #if i still had my whacking stick id tape a big wad of paper towels to the end and clean the mess up that way #from a Distance!#absolutely unprompted #i wish i wasnt so terrified of spiders #they scare me So much....#the point of feeling physically ill! and like sobbing! or panicking! and this spider was Big!#i wish they'd stop coming into the house.... i hate killing them but i cant function knowing theyre there #but i can't force myself close enough to put them in a cup and bring them outside #so now i have THAT on my counter. disintegrated spider.#life is too fucking much lately... jesus.... i should really just bite the bullet and get this shit over with #no use waiting a month in perpetual terror unease and guilt. do it scared yk yk #im tired of my chest hurting and not being able to eat! i dont like it! i need change! terrifying horrible change!

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skitskatdacat63 · 2 months

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I have to write a relatively long German paper, and man its just so difficult for me. The pro side is that I can pick any topic I want, so of course I picked Charles VI. But I've literally not written any German in months, and I'm almost 100% sure our prof doesn't actually read them. I should just write and submit boy king fic....

#i wish it was in English #bcs i would be very happy about it #but i have lost so much capacity for any German writing #bcs he sucks so much as a prof and has dropped the ball on actual language learning imo #how am i supposed to suddenly write a 7-8 pg paper after youve spent all our class time just lecturing at us #and giving us no real opportunity to really learn or test our skills #i shall.. probably just cheat.#LIKE i want to learn german so badly #but what the fuck is the point of even trying when i know im not going to get actual feedback on my writing #why should i even try at that point. put that much effort in and know that he doesnt really care at all #it just sucks so much bcs i genuinely love and am so fascinated w the topic #but the idea that id put so much work into translating it only for him not to read it really kills me #again. just submit boy king fic and see if he notices sjfkgllblb #but do you know what i mean? like im sure ill write a good version in english that i think is actual good content #but translating it is such a lost cause bcs all the effort is reallt for nothing #like atp im jusy interested in the history more than making an effort w the language #ugh i wish i wasnt this way but yknow lack of stimulation anf feedback really kills my enjoyment and interest #like see i can convince myself that thr eng version of teh paper is my typical personal research #<- i mean im making a fucking family tree for funsies so this isnt that far off #but the translation part is so difficult bcs my german has been eroding a bit SOB SOB #lol anyways i say this bcs i was plotting a boy king fic in my head as i was goong to bed #and was like oh i shoulf write it out tmr! and then remembered I HAVE AN ESSAY UGH #well yeah. suffering. we'll see how i feel abt i write the original copy and if i have the capacity to germanify it #i just feel so guilty about it. cheating. I dont want to and it feels so low effort and terrible #but why would i force myself thru all that for a guy who barely reads it #catie.rambling.txt

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girlthingdecay · 5 months

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#i kind of want to kill myself. im so disconnected from anything. i have no original thought. everything is scripted #everything is just put together pieces from things ive heard elsewhere and i do not have a single original thought #everyone can see that im masks all the way down and everyone can see that i am nothing underneath and even that is a stolen way of saying it #i have no way of making nothing palatable but i am simply nothing. invite me over and ill try to adapt to you and write a new script based #off new media but if you make me truly comfortable and somehow manage to unplug my behavior then youll be rewarded with me just sitting #beside you on the floor and staring at whatever media you show me without speaking much and only occasionally seeking further warmth from #you #i vocalized it to someone close recently but im a nothing void and i wish people all acted in exactly the way i wanted regardless #i have selfish fantasies about people just doing everything to make everything easy for me and if i were a god i would be an entirely #selfish one #if the right people would go and stay as i please even though im a nothing void and dont deserve them around #if they would all do whatever i needed like gave me cuddles or sex or affirmation or money or treats #if life was one long cycle of being the most treated god by everyone then maybe i could be something i dont know #maybe something could be manifested into me #everyone already projects an idea onto me so maybe a collective idea held by all with a great deal of love would make whatever they say of #me true and maybe then id exist fully #until then oh well #though in reality im just sanitizing a bit. having others fully as puppets serving me isnt something that i want because i think itll “fix”#me by any measures and id likely only grow far more sadistic and selfish but i wish for that world because i could live in perfect comfort #i could do anything i wanted and have anything i wanted and nobody would stop me #sorry this is just like. a long rambling in tags. i should shut up now

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awacatin · 6 months

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Luv watching cave diving vids. Even those where the person is like almost wiggling their way thru, their face squished to the floor and watching them struggle to move forward just makes me feel morbidly fascinated.

I can almost understand why you'd want to subject yourself to something so awful, the excitement of finally squeezing thru that very tight gap onto a bigger space, getting that well-deserved air and body mobility back??? Must feel euphoric

#like yeah ik how dangerous it is bla bla but man #id kill to ever go deep sea caving #wish i could scuba dive so deep and get swallowed in darkness and pressure #txt #cave diving #tw claustrophobia #claustrophobia #taggin just in case #the oppressive saueezing darkness calls to me #but i live nowehere near big water areas #plus its surely a v expensive hobbie #n i dont got the time or money for it #id def b a buried avatar jajdjajasjjqjsja #maybe i havent experienced the genuine terror of feeling stuck and thats why i think it must feel great #plus i got a lotta tics on mobilty like my feet and shoulder blades #and if i dont get to move em every now n then i get a bit impatient #but yeah ill keep lying to myself #I SHOULD B ON THE DEEP SEA DOING CABLE MAINTENANCE #forgor the word for it but wgen u use that hot metal to stick other hot metal #soulder???? idk

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gohard-or-gohomo · 2 months

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#i want to be a different person. christ #hating myself hours are ON #because like. im a fucking clown im the court jester im the fool #people like having me around!! im fun!!#but im not anyones favourite #im not going to be first pick to talk to or spend time with #im fucking expendable #good if you want someone there to make you laugh #but im not anyones best friend. im top 10 MAYBE #and like. i have a girlfriend i love my girlfriend i know they love me a lot too #and they would probably say im their favourite #and thats good!!! thats amazing!!! i feel the same way!!!!#but i see them once a week if that #and i spend the rest of the time with school people or rowing people #and rowing people just tolerate me #and school people all like each other better than me #its fucking exhausting #AND I HAVE A FUCKING SPANISH TEST ON FRIDAY. ON TOP OF IT ALL #wish id stop being such a pussy bitch and try and kill myself already #but because im such a people pleaser i cant even fucking do that #hate it here

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nightfallsystem · 1 year

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i forgot humans are social animals and that having like 0 irl friends is killing me mentally

#i feel so angry at other ppl who have irl friends #like woah we get it u have friends. but im stuck inside wasting away because of my fucking autism #i wish i could be average highschooler hwo goes to school and even tho they hate it they at least get to hang out with friends #i like only have irl friends #dies #tw vent #my life is crumbling or smth. idk.#i cant even make friends #i dont go to irl school bc autism #oh i wish i was neurotypical #instead im just a mess #lightheaded again #i rlly wish i could have friends im literally just rotting away in a house #and even when i leave u cant make friends just in public #i want friends so bad #i wish i killed myself that time i wish i took more pills #cuz then id be free #and it wouldnt matter #oh im doing it again arent i #vent in tags #im so lightheaded #online friends cant be a replacement for irl friends u need like at least one usually cuz humans r social animals #but no one i know nearby irl i trust.#i have my parents. who verbally abuse me. hence i dont trust them.#i have uhh #i have no one dont i #i rlly have no one huh #i wish i was dead

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magnoliamyrrh · 6 months

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#i <3 wanna fucking die <3 all the time #all the god damn time i wish i could just kill myself im so sick of it #but noo bc that's like not good in theological terms nooo my best friend would be fucked up noo i cant cause even #more stress to my family but im so fucking tired and done #lifes been exhausting as shit and im sick of it #and on top of all the fucking health issues this useless piece of shit body is going to hell too #like great!! great! abled ppl can often barely manage to make it by in this country and economy or they #get so fucked by work they become disabled lmaoo i already fucking am #i dont want to even fucking try. i dont even wanna try. most of this life has been pain and mystery and wanting to die!#and feeling like im fucking suffocating #and i can go on and on abt how oh u know u live for the little things life is pain inherently it is what it is and whatever but i just #wanna god damn fucking dir #the years of my life when i was the least physically sick were spend being abused and being fucking exhausted to hell and back #now im almost 24 and ive what. barely managed to finish a univerity with a useless degree which in my parents eyes means basically #nothing compared to what i was supposed to do #its too fucking late for anything im too fucking old my health is too bad and i dont have the fucking energy to #do this shit enough to even just get bt much fucking less have it be anything that id even 5% wanna live for

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olde-scratch · 7 months

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the money i would spend if monster high wasn't overhauled.

#the new dolls are. okay. i guess.#mattel sells reproductions of draculara frankie lagoona and clawdeen but BRO #i would drop all of my paycheck on an og style monster high doll if they werent discontinued and expensive to find secondhand #like PLEASE i just got over my fear of spending money on myself bring them BACK so i can DO THAT #i hear some more reproductions are coming in jan next year but i wish theyd make reproductions of ones other than the main outfits #id kill for a sweet 1600 draculara (even tho ive already got so many...) or some more lagoonas abbeys or ghoulias #i could use some more of the boy dolls tho since i lost mine sob #im glad i have what i have but i wish i could drop 20-30 bucks occasionally on a mh doll that doesnt looks so. strange.#they changed the faces too much for me to like them lol idc abt the molds its the faces that do it for me #also clawds hair he looks like a tiktok eboy i hate it :skull:#if i knew how id make my own molds and prints and make the damn dolls myself #the new art style is also terrible im sorry i hate it so much #call me a capitalist bootlicker for this post all you want i just wish i could go and buy dolls from my childhood to make me happy #without looking into the 50+ range for ONE DOLL #mattel pls u already have the molds #why must you make me suffer like this

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rippedstitches · 2 years

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Pretending I’m not rotting in my room for days on end by looking at my handheld silly images machine and simulating social interaction like a lab rat pressing the cocaine button until it dies

#I’m so depressed I’ve lost all ability to function and I’m getting so fucking sick of it #anyone else so mentally ill that they wish they had a ‘’more romanticizable mental illness’’#or at least one that let them get things done #like bitch I WISH I worked so hard for my grades id kill myself if I didn’t get an a #bc then at least society would reward me #but nope im just seen as a lazy entitled fat defiant rude troubled miserable useless parasitic waste of fucking space #and I can go to therapy forever and ever and tell myself im just not like other people and I can’t do the things they do #but what does it matter. what’s the difference between what you are and what everyone sees you as anyways

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soulemissary · 2 years

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i need...something to hyperfix on

#wandertext ♡#it's looking like xenoblade chronicles. i have it but only played thru a few hrs #and tonight blasted thru like 5 hrs of it #i was hoping id hyperfix on enstars but ive already played thru all of the main story thats available #and i dont get into rhythm games enough to play it outside of that really #hollow knight worked for a bit...i really want to finish it but i simply. have not been able to.#my gf's been playing crk again and i also cannot get into that. weird bc i hyperfixed on it for like a month last yr #rummaging thru both my brain and my stuff to try and find a suitable option in case xenoblade doesnt work #i think hyperfixing on idv for so long really just killed me now if i don't have smth i flop over like a silly fish and stop functioning #cannot believe i played that godawful game for a year and a half and then also latched onto like 6 of the characters from it #given the opportunity i'd go back to pc league but the internet's so shit. i'm not even sure it'll work well enough for work if we fix it #im kind of just Hoping it will. lmfao.#it's also 1:30 and i am not asleep which is not a good sign for tomorrow. but whatever i don't have anything i need to get done #going to double check pocket camp one more time then try and put myself to bed #bc i have been nauseous for like. 3 hours. and i am sick of it #i talk like i'm giving a presentation don't i. or like a business meeting. i wish to study myself and invite everyone else to do the same

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vse-kar-vem · 2 months

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hihi vent post incoming (tldr im pretty sure everyone hates me and also im gonna fail all my exams)