#but because im such a people pleaser i cant even fucking do that

[gohard-or-gohomo]

.

[tinyorangepotato]

mm tumblr post time

[diorgirl444]

hiiii, i just stumbled upon your blog and i would LOVE a matchup (i tried doing them once on my page and i realised i suck at it lmao, so i admire that u can write them so nicely )

as for who - id love to be paired with someone from hp universe, any era<3

anywayyyy, im really bad at talking about myself but ill try my best

im an intj, my sun sign is aquarius, 5’6”, im a girl and i go by she/her, im bisexual but id rather be paired with a guy (if you choose a girl its fine as well)

i have blue eyes, short wavy/curly hair, currently dyed red, im pale as fuck (im literally allergic to the sun), curvy and i have lots of tattoos. my style is very inconsistent, i dress comfy but at the same time kinda goth-ish, alternative? i wear black 99% of the time, lots of silver jewellery, i have my nose pierced too:p i also wear glasses

i am very creative, i paint and draw most of the time. occasionally i write fanfics but then i have long breaks because i get burned out really easily. im lazy, which is not so good, but at the same time i mostly get things done. i am a huge animal lover, i have 2 cats and 3 dogs. im an introvert but when im with my closest friends my extravert side comes out. im a huge people pleaser, sometimes its not good for me but i cant help it. my love language is physical touch and acts of service.

i love art, art galleries, old cemeteries, greek mythology, the sky and sunflowers. i also adore the forest and just nature in general. im obsessed with pretty little shiny rocks.

i hate people who have a problem with minorities and are just nasty beings towards others and animals. i also hate spiders and insects of any kind, thats why i will never set my foot in australia.

oh and i also dont like kids. i dont have this “gift” or whatever. i dont know how to talk to them, how to act around them and how to play with them.

as for my aesthetic? i have no idea, but id go for dark academia/gothic vibes.

if you need to know anything else just dm me! xx and thank you in advance, have a lovely night/day! <33

your perfect matchup is 𝐣𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐬 𝐩𝐨𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 💌

𝐢 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐣𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐚 𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡 𝐦𝐚𝐝𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐯𝐞𝐧 <3

𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐢 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝟐 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐦𝐞𝐞𝐭 <3

the first time james sees you he’s completely speechless. you’re chatting with marlene about something in class, absentmindedly playing with your hair and he’s just gulping like a fish. because where have you been all his life? truly the universe has been so cruel in keeping you from him!

but he’s suddenly shy. james has had plenty of luck with girls. he’s a flirt by nature. he knows all the right things to say, the ways to sweep them off their feet. that is before he saw you… he’s now well and truly tongue tied. he’s literally like lying in bed at night planning what he wants to say to you next time he sees you. spoiler alert he just gets scared and watches you from across the great hall like this 🧍

but finally he pulls himself together and approaches you the next time he sees you. you’re sat in the back of the library on a window seat reading through a book you found which explains how the greek gods were actually early forms of wizards and witches, very interesting stuff you know? you don’t even notice him lingering over you till he sort of awkwardly coughs and asks “would you recommend it? the - the book i mean would you recommend it?” he asks and he can feel heat creeping up his neck as you nod and smile up at him. “tell me about it!” he practically spits out in the next second. he’s so embarrassing i love him

you agree because he’s cute and everyone’s always talking about what a nice boy james potter is to you. of course you don’t know that they only do that you because they see the way james looks at you but hey what you don’t know can’t hurt you? so you move along on your seat and james shuffles in beside you. the first thing you notice is how he smells like cinnamon, oranges and something slightly earthy that is just so james. the next thing you notice is the way his knee and his shoulder press against yours on the small window seat. it’s warm and intimate and you feel flustered as you start to explain the greek myths to him. he watches you as you speak, watches the way your lashes brush your cheek, watches the way your lips move as you talk.

it’s nice to just be listened to for a change so this becomes your pattern. you see a side to james in these afternoon reading sessions that very few people are privy too. the normally loud and cocky potter is gentle and polite. happy to just sit and watch you devotedly. he makes it so natural too so you forget that you’re introverted, you tell him what your favourite things, things that make you angry, your hopes, your dreams everything. and in that time you start to fall for him. you can’t help it he’s so easy to love. you try to hide this new discovery but its hard to go from telling james everything to keeping such a huge secret from him and so he notices the absence. he doesn’t know what it is but he knows you’re keeping something and so he’s hurt if he’s honest.

so you avoid him. you can’t face the sad puppy look on his face it cuts you up and so you pretend you don’t see him waiting for you in the library, pretend you don’t hear the tapping on your door, or the notes stuffed in your pocket. because hopefully he’ll get bored move on and you’ll get over him. but james potter is determined and so enamoured by you that he’ll try one last time. and so he hides a book in your room. the book is his diary with the pages from all his time with you bookmarked. in it are lists of your favourite things, tiny sketches of you, details on how he feels about you and he ends it with “vicky darling i don’t know what i did but please know i’m eternally sorry. you’ve made a mess of me, i’d do anything to just see you again. don’t you know i love you? if you feel the same meet me at our window seat. if i don’t see you there i will accept that you truly don’t feel the same and i will leave you be. yours forever, james” you find yourself wiping tears as you read it realising how silly you’ve been.

and so with haste you race to the window seat in the library and when you see him there all anxious and shy your heart aches. “ you’ve made a mess of me too james” you say softly as you sit beside him and his face lights up. “can i make it better?” he asks huskily and you nod. his hands cup your face as he leans in and kisses you. he tastes like maple syrup, he smells like spices and he feels like home. it’s perfect and as he walks you back to your dorm with a promise of a date in hogsmede and a soft kiss to your forehead you feel giddy as you lay down under the covers that night because james potter loves you and you love him.

𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐢 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐛𝐞 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 <3

golden retriever bf! + black cat gf! golden retriever bf! + black cat gf! golden retriever bf! + black cat gf! okay but seriously you two are the epitome of this trope. not because you’re mean but because james is so extroverted and you’re not so much i think it matches the two do you perfectly.

he makes you go watch his quidditch games. 😭 im sorry they’re probably so boring so like you sit with marlene and dorcas to try and make it more palatable but it is probably still so dull. if it makes it any better he does loads of fancy tricks on his broom so that you think he’s cool though it does come off a bit pathetic. don’t worry though because at the end he’ll ride his broom over to you and kiss you while standing on it.

your reading thing doesn’t stop it’s just that now when you read to him he’ll have his arm around your waist and his free hand will trace hearts on the small sliver of skin that peaks out there between your uniform skirt and shirt. he doesn’t actually disturb you though because he finds it so relaxing to hear your voice. if you want to stop him and kiss him though he’s not gonna complain.

he loves visiting cemeteries with you. you offhandedly mentioned once how you were gonna visit one, you didn’t invite him though because you were worried he’d think it was weird. but then he sort of shyly asks “can i come too?” and you laugh and nod. the two of you pack a picnic and spend the whole day exploring the graveyard with each other in quite intimacy. your hands constantly intertwined as you walk, pausing to pay your respect and the long-forgotten names of the people who laid there and occasionally saying hello to the few ghosts that lingered there. you came across one pair which were an old couple who said you reminded them of theirselves when they were your age which makes the tips of james’s ear turn red.

he brings you any nice rocks he finds. sirius gives him the weirdest look when the marauders are sneaking around at night and james bends down to pick a stone up that he thinks you’d like but james just grins and shrugs his shoulders saying “my girl likes them. what can you do?” the marauders smile at that. they’ve never seen james look so lovesick - it’s very sweet.

you two have matching necklaces. i don’t know why but i just feel this in my core. you found them at an antique shop and yours is a silver moon james is gold sun. because of it when the two of you are together everyone calls the pair of you “solar eclipse” 😭 even did it once when she was telling your friend group off. she was like “where’s solar eclipse?” sirius absolutely pissed himself laughing about that.

james gets rid of spiders for you but not before teasing you a bit. that’s just the kinda of guy he is i’m sorry. he’ll get them gone though for you don’t you worry but only if you promise to kiss him as a thank you after.

he writes you love letters weekly. you smile on mondays when his owl flies and drops a cream coloured envelope down on your desk written in james’s scrawling hand. in the letter he incloses what his favourite memories of you he has of the past week be that an outfit he thought was really pretty, a song he heard that made him think of you, or a leaf that he pressed from a forest walk that the two of you went on. he adores you so much it’s unbelievable.

𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐢 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 𝐚𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐜 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐛𝐞 <3

hope you like it! xoxo, flo <3

[yourwolfmuzzle]

Its always so surreal for me every fucking time asking from this show to show some proper emotions about death or how characters emotionally react about seeing other characters.

I dont even remember when i was like "wow they talk about this person finally?" or "they react about someone death" last time, maybe outside of stuff when there is some sweet moments with hugging. (surprisingly, the most "soft one" was vol5. With maybe IronQrow hug in vol7). I dont know what a problem with this show showing some emotions or letting characters talk or emotionally react on some stuff or be worry about multiple stuff. There is "nothing" or "emotions but writers tell you its the wrong one" or absolutely OOC situation.

Again im maybe just this type of emotinal, "hungry for touch" person who just that much emotinal, but i cant remember a show when i was having that much problem with characters dont having emotinal reaction or writers telling that "they in wrong to react like this" so often. Ruby WHOLE character arc in vol9 is example there - they let her have emotions but immediately in next episode she got punishment for this.

Again, outside of that, how characters who want to protect "every lifes because everyone is matter" react on someone death, no matter if they important characters or just background character or if this character protagonist\antagonist, is also pretty big problem. How Ruby forget about her in half of vol9 and WBY have almost no reaction about Penny? People who fall because of Cinder? Only Jaune having reaction about paper pleasers but WBY just react like its normal thing and they will be alright? Curious Cat death but at the same time forgiving what Neo done to Ruby (and in general how J/WBY react on Ruby...thing that she did)? Qrow whole stuff in cut epilogue? And this is ONLY specifically vol9 and the end of vol8. Its just a death, its just a corpse, nothing special! You shouldnt react too strongly about it!

I just cant understand why they so against to let characters emote about something or when they let emote its always like somebody screaming "FASTER FASTER WE HAVE A PLOT TO DO WE DONT HAVE TIME FOR YOU TO BE A ALL EMOTINAL OR TALK ABOUT THOSE DEATH PEOPLE. FUCK THEM THEY DEATH ALREADY AND WE STILL HAVE A PLOT!".

You cant win this only by animators talent. They cant just fix everything in script.

[ashesonmars]

Why i kin chris skelton :D i just want an excuse to ramble about him instead of doing college work

●• Chris is a people pleaser and he mirrors the behaviours of those around him. (E.g. he mirrors sam when he wishes for his co workers to respect Annie and going to The Blitz with Shaz despute it being way out of his comfort zone)

●•Gets words mixed up a lot (Alicante and Flagrante)

●• Loves making people laugh and if they dont it upsets him

●• Struggling with social cues and misunderstands people a lot (hands sam the tea and bourbons instead of the files, dw mate i assumed that he wanted them too)

●•cant take things seriously for shit (its ok chris, i wouldve laughed at the curtain not closing at Vivs funeral too, could also link to not getting social cues)

●• Frickin easily distracted (Cant believe Alex took his Rubiks cube and gave it away, Justice for the Rubik!) He will just start talking about some random shit like the mirror at the dentist thing though and i do the same.

●•Clumsy bugger, can relate, walked into plenty of walls, fallen down many stairs and i got my foot stuck in a goal net in football club once. Me profile picture is so relatable :'] i havent skated over anyones thumbs though, but thats because i canr even stand up in skates.

●• Will randomly just be a nerd (references star wars and other media he enjoys quite often)

●•Bet he doesbt procrastinate putting his F**CKING SHOES ON THOUGH (Its a current issue dont judge me)

●• Struggles with fitting in and is often mocked, he mostly fits in when he mirrors behaviours of those around him and this can cause issues (The blitz episode where he tells Shaz he enjoyed the Blitz but tells Ray a completely different thing. People.pleasing. to. A. TEE. T? TE? How tf do you spell it.

●•Were both from manchester (im really not)

●•running out of ideas oh shit

●• So i have the Life on mars and ashes to ashes handbooks and each belong to chris and he has a tendency to doodle in the corner of the page with some little patterns. THIS MAN JUST IS ME ISTG

●•Hes frickin neurodivergent (Its never said in the show but fuck you Ashley and Matthew im making the rules now heeheeheeeee)

●•This is a headcanon but he would drink excessive amounts of monster for the caffeine go brrrr thing. Istg caffeine unlocks the rest of my brain i dont use even if it means i dont shut my gob

Yeah i think thats it, anyway i ended up putting my shoes on FINALLY and ive got lime 10 mins until i need to leave and i havent had breakfast. Its fine ill grab a monster omw to college :D

Anyway byeee and thanks for reading this chaotic ass post

~R☆

[birdie-breeze]

Im writing a tragedy novel about two best friends who’s trauma counteracts each other. Amber kennedy(the main character) is self-centered and too caught up in her own sad life that she doesnt realize the things she does is manipulative and wrong. She drags her friend along on when she is doing self destructive stuff. She also lashes out often when stuff gets too stressful for her or when someone trues to help her. Her friend (Claire Morgan) has abandonment issues and has known Amber since 3rd grade. Amber has been the only one that stayed even if she can be mean and get her in trouble. Since she is (sort of) popular, she finds herself with toxic guys. And her need to be loved makes her stay for longer than she should. They have a band gets a gig at a popular grunge club. Amber falls into the wrong group and starts experimenting with harder stuff (Alcohol, meth, shrooms). She pressures claire into these things even when its against her personal morals. Claire pities Amber because she was there when her life fell apart and knows thats she so fucked because of it.

I want to show how certain groups(mostly “emo” groups from my experience) can encourage bed behavior and enable the mentally ill. Instead of either of them asking for help, they let themselves fall apart. Amber is mean and tends to hurt people she closer to. Claire doesn’t know who she is and doesn’t have the confidence to stand up for herself or go against what people want(people pleaser). Thats why the book is called “Broken Glass, Empty Space”

If you guys have any ideas or input please comment. Great art cant be great without criticism.

[politicalcarrot]

am i okay ? no.

being truthful this time, i am not okay. do i want help ? yes. do i want to tell someone ? yes, i do. alot. but i cant, because most of everyone i know relys on me to be the happy one to bring peoples spirits up. i cannot do that no more. i am on the verge of breaking down.

2 seconds ago—i dropped stupid canadian dollar on my drawing ipad and it cracked, hoping to fuck my parents will be like « shucks its okay » instead of grounding me or yelling at me. like people have said to me before, im a people pleaser.

i havent dranken anything today and i need to do that or else ill get really bad headaches that make me lose more motivation then i have already lost.

oh and dont get me started on that stupid thing called « mOtiVAtiON ». ive been lacking in that for the past few MONTHS. ive lost motivation to even watch a show im really enjoying, or animating or drawing. I HATE IT.

can 1 thing just go right for me for once ? ill literally do anything for that to happen, ANYTHING.

my anxiety is at an all time high right now and i wish for my heart to stop beating so fast, and while its at it i hope it can also stop hurting so much.

bye.

[hiro-doodlez]

HELP I can't see my therapist for a couple of weeks and am currently having something i like to dub "yet another hiro autism crisis" where i contemplate if my therapist gave me the right diagnoses (she has told me she is not certified to give autism diagnoses, and instead more things like depression) Right now, I am diagnosed with ADHD, Anxiety/ Social anxiety (its still up in the air, DPDR, and depression. idk if that matters SO NOW I LIST RANDOM THINGS that could be considered symptoms or not I DUNNO HOW TO DO THISS feel free to ask questions about some of the crap i say here half of it doesn't make sense

First off, I have a general trouble understanding most social situations, and struggle sometimes when talking about practically anything. For example, earlier today my step-mom basically said she wasnt going to finish her food and let my brother have it. my brother said he would leave 2, he didnt (BOZO) and later after he left she found the empty container and said something along the lines "HAH! I thought he said he was gonna leave me 2!" and immdeiately without thinking i went "hey! you said he could have as many as he can! and hes working 10 hours a day and needs his energy!!" half jokingly and she got mad at me for it, we got into a mini argument over that.

When saying something thats serious, i tend to make a joke around it and i have NO CLUE why. I just CANT be openly upset around people. For example, when being told about something that happened to me as a kid that NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED RAGRHAGHAG, instead of having a breakdown and being reasonably upset, i burst out into giggles and laughs while my brother was just so fucking confused on what was wrong. It was kinda like i couldn't stop and it fucking sucked

The TINIEST things can upset me, and other HUGE things can have little to no effect. Its so incredibly annoying

I have INTENSE fluxuations in interests, hobbies, and motivation for certain projects. I will start on this huge project that im INCREDIBLY excited for, and then a week later have little to no interest in continuing it.

I make everything about my personality a joke, i dont know why. EVERYTHING i tend to say or do has to be funny. it's like i dont want people to see beneath that

I fluctuate in personality A TON, especially depending by the people i am around. At school, I'm the quiet kid. I don't talk to anyone except maybe 5 people, but other than that i tend to stay completely silent. It could be a mask? i dunno. but when im at home, ask my brothers, i am BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS. it might also be me just getting some of my energy out? RRAHHH I DUNNOOO

I will simply forget to do very important things to the point of endangering my health. Like forgetting to eat for a day straight. my step-mom thinks i have an ED AND I DONT. i literally just keep realizing suddenly at like 6 pm all i have eaten is a couple of skittles and pringles.

i have no clue how talking to people works and im constantly winging it. I forget how to have friends especially how to even talk or interact with them and its so stupid. I can't ever start a conversation with someone without having at least 5 minutes going "am i weird for this am i being annoying am i being clingy".

If i say even one thing wrong i WILL be thinking about it for DAYS thinking about how they probably hate me now and im a terrible person ect. ect.

I tend to hide many of my traits (especially good ones) because i am incredibly embarrassed and never want anyone to EVER compare themselves to me.

im a people pleaser does that count

i tend to get extremely upset if i get told one bad thing about something that i like or just a project i have. For example, I had this fandom silly man poll because i just wanted to find out who was silly. Then one of my friends just posted something like "i hate fandom polls theyre the worst" and i just lost complete motivation afterwards. I haven't touched that blog in WEEKS at this point becuase i simply have no more interst

I have had a meltdown or 2 before, and they both stemmed from being told about how i was a bad person. i don't know why the hell thats a thing

I can't stay focused on one thing for long periods of time (ADHD cough cough) Like literally earlier i was watching this video about autistic traits and i kept having to back the video up because i would get sidetracked in my mind to the point where im just not listening anymore

if im not paying attention to people sometimes I SWEAR theyre saying "ffajaleifnanamzmaldafjkjeffnma" and as soon as i start noticing it suddenly theres words again. hate that.

i have times where it can kinda seem like i cant speak, and if i do everything comes out wrong and jumbled. Like when my autistic friend would have a sensory related meltdown, i would never know what to do and end up going dead silent because of being so mad at myself for not knowing how to help (any tips actually hahahahaHOW DO I HELP)

i have little idea who the hell i am. had a mini-crisis because i didn't know what my favorite color was because before, it was the color my friend with synesthesia said i was and i just went with that (i think its purple or blue i have no fucking clue JFALJK)

i will have spikes of random motivation on one thing. like learning lanugauges, i will have a week where its so easy to get like 10 lessons on duolingo done a day and then the next week its a struggle to get even one done.

i focus better with distractions ??? I can't focus without music and tend to do better on reading tests if everyone else in the class is talking ???

i remember the most random things about certain things. Like, i could not for the LIFE of me remember what color that one persons hair that i was talking to for 15 minutes straight. but i can remember that they had pink socks on. WHY IS THAT WHAT I REMEMBER??

I hate organization and doing the same thing every day. i NEED chaos. My brother a little bit ago helped me out and got me to make a personal to-do list. i couldnt do it a single day even though the things were extremely simple like "brush hair, make bed, eat breakfast ect."

i zone out a LOT. especially when people bring up topics im uncomfortable with or conflict with my current feelings. i go into a kinda little talking (not nonverbal, i can still talk) or just confused state that freaking sucks.

when im in a high energy mood i tend to not feel.. reall???? I do many things overboard and annoy the heck out of my brothers. i always feel terrible afterwards.

Idk if this is weird to say but i tend to get really off put when people im comfy with get haircuts or major changes in their appearance. I never like the change no matter what the hair cut looks like. i dont have any clue why

i have no clue whether or not any of this is real or if I have managed to make it all up in my head. (bascially when i was younger i wanted attention and ended up faking depression for a year straight and was an absolute ass to my friends and blah blah blah)

[blurryvisionzz]

yk i was talking with my councilor today, and i think i realized some stuff.

ever since my first ever therapy session, or my mental assessment, professionals always thought i had ptsd.

im always told that ive been mentally mature since i was very young and i think thats part of it

i grew up getting yelled at a lot by my mom. shes come a long way, but i grew up hiding my feelings for other peoples convenience. i learned to be a people pleaser because i wanted others to be happy. no one ever seemed to enjoy my personality, so i learned to hide it. if i kept up in school and did what others wanted, they would like me.

my fear of abandonment sprung from this clearly. if i let my personality slip out, people would leave. they would see things in me they would rather ignore. autism, transness, anxiety, and fear. i never stopped masking so that they wouldnt leave. as i got older, i thought i would make real friends. a boy i had a crush on used that against me and manipulated me into doing things for him because he knew if i left i would be alone. when i stopped talking to him and made two real friends, he pushed them away from me the best he could. turned people against me.

i eventually got away from him, but slipped into the exact same situation again. the only thing different, i didnt make real friends after she left me for a full year. even then, she would taunt me. make sure i knew i was truly nothing to her.

i went through so many situations before i even turned 10. maybe thats why im so fucked up. why i cant make friends. why i have trust issues. why i don’t talk about my feelings.

sorry this is so messy and incoherent

[marsayi]

Live and Learn

Spent way too much time on twitter today... like I ashamed of myself because WHY would I do that ? Ugh anyway like the name of the post we live and learn. Someone came for my bald head because I told them niceness isn't genuine... but kindness and authenticity is genuine. LIKE babe this coming from a former people pleaser, I used to live in the nice people pleaser arenas top prized winner every year.. Until this year where I rejected all of that and started owning my rage, confusion, uniqueness and giddy. No longer giving more fucks about others then I'm giving myself I love me even tho sometimes its hard but I do genuinely do, when Im being myself theres a pure joy that exudes from my being and I cant believe that Im alive and free. I did a montage on instagram and its truly HILARIOUS and beautiful cause #ICON. yea this is fun typing that thoughts into the void with a billion other artsy souls who are also doing the same

channeledm song of the day: I MISS THE RAGE

[irlkanamedate]

The current state of my mental health.

Gonna be real honest right off the bat. Its bad. You guys know its been bad but I mean its real bad right now.

Im a mess and it won't make any real sense i dont think so read or not, its under a cut.

[Suicidal, eating disorder, just in general bad shit I guess]

Its been months of feeling worse and worse and feeling utterly hopeless and lost. Months of constant bullshit from either my brain, my living situation, my fucking financial situation, or whatever else decides to come by and ruin what I thought was things getting better.

I find myself once again falling back into the delusional spiral because I'm having a harder and harder time regulating my emotions and mental state and if I had ever been mean or snippy or just awful to you guys, I am genuinely sorry. I dont even remember a lot of this shit I did cause my visual timeline of things have been cut so much due to just being in this black fog of self loathing.

And maybe it is my own fault for self sabotaging and dipping from so many things. Ruining friendships and all idk. Hell i can't even bring myself to actually talk to a lot of you guys cause im just so... fucking lost.

Constantly torn between multiple different sorts of realities in my brain and being too much in a constant bad mood to feel comfortable engaging or I might say something bad or be snippy so I just run away from it again and again.

I am just some kind of burden to you guys in my own mind. Some kinda burden to my own family. Just some hopeless directionless corpse that genuinely feels like I have made no real impact to anyone. And it isnt any of your faults. I know this isn't really... true. But its such an active hard struggle to fight against this pure delusional thought that I get so tired.

I get so tired trying to just... remind myself over and over. And then my brain fight back going like "if it isnt true then why are you the only one saying it? Where is your proof?" Or pulling some other bullshit move to make me believe this false reality.

Im so tired guys. But I hate being a burden. You guys say I'm not some times but I can't stop feeling like one.

Im not saying this or ever do anything to make you guys shower me in affection and love. I never want to manipulate that sort of thing. I never intend to. But sometimes I think I do it subconsciously cause im just fucking blinded by so much shit.

I cant help but think how much I might actually be a horrible person.

Especially when I want to be mad. I want to get angry. I want to lash out. But I know its often unreasonable. But fuck when I try to be reasonable and hold back and try to be mature I still get a fucking shit result.

I dont know what to do.

I feel like everything is always and has always been my fault. My fault always my fucking fault. It's my fault I can't make decisions. My fault im a people pleaser. My fault I got assaulted. My fault I am poor.

I stopped eating cause I believed it could help my mom if she didn't have to feed mr along with that fucking bastard but here I am spending money on non essentials cause it made me happy.

But nothing really makes me happy in the end does it?

Im still here. Shit living situation, poor as shit, unable to hold a job due to multiple reasons. Unable to get proper medical care. Unable to truely be the fucking man I want to be. Unable to express anything properly and truely.

Im suicidal as shit. I made promises to many people I wont do it. And I still won't. But because guilt is whats keeping me here really.

I do love all my friends so much. I appriciate so much of what you guys do for me. And im so angry and upset I can't always see that cause my brain is so hell bent on killing me.

So I just feel guilty all the time. That I still feel like fucking shit even though I get love and care. I feel guilty for asking for things. Feel guilty for taking up space, for needing things, for just being alive but also feeling guilty for wanting to die all the time now. But I can't kill myself cause I feel guilty for breaking promises and making people sad. But I feel guilty for expressing just how bad I am cause that makes people sad.

Im stuck here by guilt and I dont know how to change that so I just feel worse and worse and worse. I cant eat but I try to eat a little so I dont make people feel too bad but I hate eating.

I dont know. I just dont know anymore.

I cant see any real future for me. I just can't.

And so im just... stuck here. Just existing day by day. Silently hoping one day I just never wake up again. Cause then I didnt make that choice. Something or someone else did for me. And I wont have to feel that guilty. Or something. Or at all cause I wasn't really awake. I dont know.

Im sorry. I'm just not ok. And this isnt even all of it i dont think but im just... so tired.

I am so tired guys.

[lostinbirbilling]

I swore to myself that I will not journal multiple times or as frequently as I did the past few months. Although therapeutic, journaling has solidified some memories for me that I shouod be forgetting and they push me further into the loop of overthinking. Moreover, I've journaled as if I was venting out my anger in the past few months. So now, I'm trying to redeem.

But I cant stop myself from journaling one time on tumblr. Cause it's been so long.

Firstly, I've moved on from my first crush. (Or atleast, I'm beginning to move on from him)

This is a milestone in itself because I realised that I do not want to be a secret admirer for someone I talk to very frequently that too,in a filter-free manner.

Although pretty late to join the other end of the sea called "first crushes and hormonal rushes", I've realised that it's either -

You stay a secret admirer while keeping your interactions minimal

Or

You let them know how you feel a little early in the relationship

So that you don't let the guilt of becoming a delusional take over whatever friendship you've really established enroute that's actually needed for the 2 of you but, you're too guilty when he needs you as a friend.

Learnt the lesson a really tough way, but we both have our lives moving in different paces in our unis so "it is what it is"

(I really wish we could hang out sometime soon. But I swore to not get ahead anytime soon, so)

Secondly, I began coloring in the penup app of my new tab and doodling a little albeit rarely. This got me into training my mind into being a little patient. Maybe right now I'm patient by 4% more than I was before on an average

Thirdly, I'm chronically having headaches.

It could be me stressing out or overthinking subtle things when I let my emotions and silliness take over the rationale. Also because although im not entirely a people pleaser, i have a hard time saying no and even taking it (should seriously work on better communication)

Or inadequate sleep mostly due to my inefficiency in planning things for the day or night if I'm being specific.

I should be sleeping now so I get sufficient rest for tomorrow, but I'm typing away anyways :p

Or me studying under stress! Panicking. Worrying about my future.

Or missing home and worrying about family

Or under-hydration

Or micro nutrition deficiency cause I get fatigued after I'm out in the sun, pretty easily.

So to sum everything up, my health is getting fucked up. Mental health and physical one too.

Hence the pms and pcos.

Fourthly, I read a lot than I studied in the past few months.

Be it solo leveling to begin with.

Or subtle art of not giving a fuck.

Then recently I've read It ends with us and It starts with us.

While rn I'm binging on Omniscient reader and Eaternal Nocturnal.

Even anime wise

I've watched too many it seems

Kaguya Sama

Suzume (in theatres ✨️)

Your name (rewatch, in theatres 💫, and re-rewatch in my new tab)

Your lie in april

Garden of words

Horimiya (S1)

Demon slayer (rehabilitation arc and mugen train)

I've watched many movies too

Jailer (in theatres)

Happy days

Anand

Gharshana

Good night

(Okay not too many but yeah more than my average in the recent times)

Now it makes sense why I get all panicky before exams. I almost never touched my books because I know, I know how the next 3 and the next 3 years of my life are gonna be like, academically

Lastly, yoongi's lines from magic shop are making so much sense to me right now that I want to turn back time and just live happily with my family but this time around - Imma take care of my parents more and show my brother I love him more and not think about growing up or idolize growing up. Cause adulting is so damn not easy! And I'm not even 21 yet (will be in a few months though)

It's tiring

Taxing

Exhausting

Exasperating

You can't even blame your parents anymore (that feels morally wrong!)

[yourwolfmuzzle]

YEAH I WAS LIKE i will not speak about this BUT I KINDA STILL IN THIS how you can ignore so much stuff that you can put there. As always, i rewatch the episode because i never trust myself with “only one watch” even with very problematic or “not that fun to watch” media. As always - my writing post like this is messy.

TW suicide mention, i will talk about Ruby again A LOT.

1. - This whole scene with Jaune is extremely strange and Weiss telling the stuff that Rudy need to hear kinda? Its a Rudy who did big mistake and fall pretty deep. But no, Weiss telling that “even the best huntsman in the history...they all lost. But they still incredible brave. And good.” (remember this part, i will mention later) after Jaune told that “i was being selfish because i wanned to rush of rescuing someone...and i got that there”? Im still not sure what this scene was truing to tell us outside of pushing Jaune into accepting that yes, those who live in this world need to ascending to progress and be better (we will skip this whole “ascending is have to much death parallels more that rebirth maybe” and will just say that okay this is how this world work and ascending is just a part for one, who is from Ever After. Also remember this part, i will talk about this later.) and that yes viewers you got this right - Jaune was so worry about losing more people and have this hard desire for rescuing someone that he make paper start trying to self harm and to be suicidal (”..breaking from our physical forms so that the winds will care us back to the tree”). Do what ever you want with this information.

2.- This is kinda “they have to do this for plot” but...for getting closer to the tree you have to accept that ascending is a part of this world. This is the rule for every living creature in this world, who was made for this world, and the only exception is a Jabberwalker, who can destroy you. So...why WBY didnt get to the tree/door after episode 7? They told to Jaune that ascending is what paper pleaser want and Jaune need to give them what they want. They ALREADY accept that this is important for this world. This world want really badly to Jaune also getting with WBY to the door?

3.- If acceptance is what the tree want and we all on this whole “ascending is good thing” why tree just...not kick Yang after she start to tear out leaves from Ruby's statue? I know its kinda nitpicking but~

4.- We having a moment when Yang finally start to be upset that hey...this is something wrong with Rudy and we have to do something with it. First of all - why not put something like this at the start of this episode? You still can have your “omg lets hug Jaune)))))” but at least at the start of the episode we will have SOMETHING that will not have this vibe that they do not care at all and only after they got there they like “oh wait RUBY”. Second - i really dont like that r/wby cant have “a moment”. When they like...have a moment when they like “hey we fuck up pretty badly fuck what we have to do with it???”. After Yang tell that “what if she will not be Ruby anymore when she come back out” and Blake just...drop this “maybe its not for us to decide”. And before that Weiss was like “We done everything what we can. Now its up to Rudy...what ever happens next we have to welcome that”. SOOOO HM I HAVE A NUMBER OF THE PROBLEMS.

Ever After rules somehow apply to creatures from not this world and characters is like think that its will absolutely work with Ruby. They sure for 100% that she will come back and not just stay in tree statue. That she will come back with changes and they have to accept this because its her chose, which is...

Was not her decision. She did this not because she was thinking that “i fulfill my goal, like paper pleaser, now i have to find the way for getting better”. She did this not because “if i will do this i will got superpowers”. She did this because she was so tired to be herself and want to just make, what Roman illusion told her - reset that will make world better, because she will not be in this world anymore. She did this do destroy herself and even Neo, who also didnt know how this whole thing will work, and was thinking that Ruby kill herself and now she dont know what to do.

ALSO ABOUT NEO. Neo torture her to make this decision. Its not like Alyx, who “after talking to the tree (WITHOUT DRINKING ANY TEA OR EATING THE LEAF FROM THE TREE, MIND YOU) she decide to fix everything what she broken in the Ever After” DID decide to be better. Its not like Paper Pleasers who decide that “they have to ascend because we want to progress”. No, Neo beat her up with her illusions of people, who important to Ruby one way and another until she was covered in bruises and wounds, and Neo kill Little to MAKE Ruby to decide drink tea that will make her “not to be in this world anymore”.

With all this “its Ruby decision and not someone.” that on paper sound like a nice message, with this contect of what was with Ruby...this is...not cool at all. Its sound like...if person decide to do something, that will destroy them or will change them forever, its not...something that have to be just “its just her decision”. I dont think that...its a good message??? That if you do something with yourself that hardcore people will just...okay with this and will be like “oh yeah its was just her decision we have to just be welcoming with what she did and what will happens next with her”???   And when you will do something with yourself - everybody will almost fully chill about this and be like “yeah this her decision”?????? And people who worry about you need to just chill out like immediately because “its her decision, this is what it is”?????????? Just in case for anyone - people who is depress and suicidal do not “choose” to be depress and have suicidal thoughts. This is not “Ruby decide to do something that will change her one way and another and this is HER decision”. This is was about “Ruby was depress, got torture into something, that she was thinking will “make world better without her” and got into something, that will do something with her.”

Also no Weiss. This is was not enough. For a whole volume WBY was trying to ask Ruby if she okay, but never was trying to push this question forward. Its was just “hey are you okay” with no progress forward, even know they can see that Ruby IS not okay. Not when they was having a time to talk, not when they get free time to talk after busy time they did not push anything. Its fine give people some time to think and be alone, but if this is your only way to deal with someone problem especially when the situation is atypical and it's not just “this is normal for her to behave like this, give her some time, its always help”. I saw people saying that “hey they didnt have time to talk about this forward/WBY didnt saw any problems”. But they DID have time to talk with her? There was moments when you can give us more moments, when characters was pushing question “are you okay” forward or give us a moments when they at least let Ruby know they are still with her and support her. We can still have Ruby break and fall, but at least we will believe more that yes, they are was trying to do something or let Ruby know that “hey we your team and we always with you!” but they were always distracted by something serious. Because now its sound like another “We did mistake, it is what it is” because i have a hard time to believe that they will change interaction with Ruby after all this or try to apologies to not be with her, when she was in need of them the most in the final episode.

I can try to imaging that writers was writing that “no matter what will Ruby do, WBY will always support her in her journey.” but...because how episode 8 end and what did Ruby with herself, that was not really “her doing this” but “Neo push her to do this”, this is not exactly work.

(I going to rant but - i just cant understand how from what they saw in the mansion they just quickly decide that if she rn in the tree that mean she will change just like paper pleasers. Like...you SURE about this? You sure she will be back? You sure she will be change at all? How hard she will change? Is she will remember something? What about her wounds after a “fight” with Neo? What if Neo did something before that? What can we do to prevent that? Its just...they so simple accepted the fact that Ruby in the tree, this tea just send her to the tree and its will work exactly the same on her. Also nobody was even thinking about Little. They body was just right with Ruby and nobody even question if they alright or if they didnt saw they body, they didnt ask “OH WAIT, WHAT ABOUT LITTLE?”. Just because they didnt help you to much you don't even have to think about them, Little the last one who was with Ruby.)

5. - Can i just ask small thing - is this whole “this is simplistic understanding or the tree”. Is this another “we self aware and you think too little about our ideas” like what they was having with Curios Cat when they start to speak about some plotpoints in R/WBY story? Or i read too much there? Its probably just me.

6. - I mostly like how Ruby and Blacksmith scenes. Some moment in they dialogs sound nice, i already told about “not enough” part. And in general stuff what Ruby talking about is stuff, that you can find relatable for one part and another. Not be enough, trying to hard to be something, that you dont have to be. You dont have to be all those things that you most likely idealized or wrote impossible plans for yourself which you cannot reach so immediately without stumbling or so impossible for everyone. You dont have to be perfect. This is nice message and the nice story for character to have. People love stories like this and i also love stuff like this. But...it not working fully, when you start think about this and not just “she just like me!”. This cant be just simple story about Ruby be unperfect? We have so many moments when Ruby did mistakes or tried to get what she wants without listening to anyone. Yes she IS the youngest in the team, yes her whole backstory and experience have all right to her to tell us that “i try so hard but im just tired of everything”. But this story dont want tell us a story about going through mistakes. Because she and her team and partly Jaune did mistake in Atlas. But “all huntsman have a moment when they fall, but that doesn't mean they're bad.” Writers, you CAN have both. You can tell us a story about Ruby “stopping believe that she needs to be perfect and if she did mistake to stop and never try again” AND story about “through trauma and dealing with the mistakes she made”. You can have both cakes and eat them both (c). There is a chance that maybe, JUST MAYBE this topic will be brought up, but the next episode will be 20+ minutes long (from what Eddy hinted to us), we need to deal with NekoNeo and Jaune fall at the end of the episode and maybe see Vacuo.

7. - I dont...have specific opinion about Summer scenes and the fact that yes, Alyx was not great person, but got to talk with tree (WITHOUT EVEN DO SOMETHING WITH HERSE-) and then got killed by Curios Cat. Her brother got out without her sister and probably write a story about her in mostly positive way. That all, this part just exists. Its just simple there. Also Neo cant go back to Remrant because “she dont have purpose anymore in that world”. Sooo...Neo dont want to do anything with Cinder anymore? Like, at all? She in this world because Cinder betrayal. Yeah she got opportunity to make Ruby suffer and dance with Roman illusion, but...did she really dont want to do anything with Cinder? After all work she done for her and after all what Cinder shittalk about her and did to her? Really? Like at all? She just chill about that? Also Yang punch corrupted copies of Ruby pretty fast, like almost no fear. And Weiss make Jaune fall sooo he probably dead and also in the tree?

So what we have? 

We have confirmation that yes, this whole tea story? Suicide - IS solution for you problems because you will have a chance to be who what ever you want. People who important to you? They will chill about this because this is YOUR DECISION. No matter how this story about Ruby “ascension” will end - we have episodes 8 and 9 that portrait this as a positive suicide with broken some rules about how portrait suicide in media. No matter is this was accidentally and nobody in the team did not saw this as a suicide, but as a “growing up”, or they SAW this as a suicide and STILL decide that its will be great to show this as a one of the epic ways to develop Ruby story. This is not the first time when they choose the “cool” way to show something or tell the story in the ways that not that simple and you cant just write without nuance. Those parts is not simple and cool, no matter if you portrait this as a literally or metaphorically. It was repeated many times that they need specialists in the team who will monitor how this or that difficult topic is shown in the series. Or study these topics before writing about them if you dont want to pay for extras in writing room.

Easy solution for heavy parts. WBY dont have to react too much about Ruby because they already full on think that “hey she will return we will just wait and see what ever will happens to her because its her decision” + they have to help Jaune after he see paper pleaser. RWBY do not need to work with the trauma or mistake that they done. They already decide that “hey everybody do mistakes, there is no perfect huntsman! So we dont have to be perfect!”. “This story is simplify too much” character told us about Ever After story and then we got that “Alyx is evil but not really after talking with the tree and then she got killed by Cat”. I love that idea on paper that Cat repeat what “they creator” done to them - betrays those who try to leave them and repeat mistakes, but im not sure its something that was done on purpose? Anyway i got offtopic.

Its really hard to like this episode at all especially if you have a problem with how they're trying to write Ruby's story. You can be like me who is like “oh i love soundtrack in there and how this scenes with Rudy sound” but them those gigantic moments like a lack of\too much chill reaction from WBY and even if Yang got to react later - WB shut her up pretty fast with “this is not for us to decide” and “we have to welcome her with what ever will happens to her”.

Another messy post. I probably forget something, mess out something or just dont want to even talk about something because i...dont even know what was that or some people already tell better what problem is there (I think especially with the parts about Jaune and Weiss, i just have zero interest in shipping nuance as long as it's not an explicit relationship like Ren and Nora or Yang and Blake.). But this episode...trigger to much stuff in my brain.

[dumbbitchfrommars]

on another note (please let me distract myself from my pathetic past times) - MY PRESENTATION WENT REALLY WELL! well as well as i am capable of. i was reading from the cue cards the entire time but my script was good and so were my slides. i was shaking but my voice was steady, and my knees didn't buckle from the adrenaline-anxiety, so i think i did pretty fucking fantastic. for the others who are used to presenting and dont know the depths of my shame associated with a lifetime of crippling anxiety - its easy to critique my lack of connection with the audience. but in all honesty... IT IS SUCH A PRIVILEGE AND AN HONOUR TO RECEIVE SUCH CRITICISM. like, my presentation was substantial enough to even receive comments. and you understood what i said, and you listened to me, and it wasnt completely terrible, and i didnt have to watch myself so i survived. and i did it!!! it makes me cringe to imagine seeing myself up there not even glancing up at them for a second but sometimes you have to do what you can to get through difficult situations. i am so fucking proud of myself. like... i can hear my inner child jumping for joy. im actually fucking traumatised from the one time i tried to present in grade 7 and the dickhead class clown made fun of me for having badly made slides. in retrospect... he was criticising me because i was the teachers pet and was probably jealous of how smart i really was. and its easy to pick on someone whos already shy. but man did that fuck me up. and that shyness carried on into high school. i cant believe no one saw me and thought hm, she looks like shes struggling, maybe she needs counselling. maybe she needs help. maybe she deserves a little compassion. instead everyone took advantage of their power over the girl raised to be a people pleaser and subservient to authority. NOW LOOK AT ME YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! i wont listen to bullshit from anyone. not kim telling me oh, but makeup wont get paid as much as here, oh youll probably only get around $28 an hour. GUESS WHAT BITCH, I GET THE SAME EXACT RATES AS THIS SHITHOLE. and ill be even happier doing it. no more drunks, no more creeps, no more druggies, no more aggros, no more smelly homeless weirdos, and no more energy vampire coworkers.

fuck you scott for being less mature than me, someone probably less than half your age. i am the adult when youre around and it must make you so fucking insecure. anyway. i always get like this before the weekend when i am forced back into that hell hole place.... at least i dont have to deal with the annoying ones tomorrow. and fridays are usually more fun because there are more young people heading out for the night.

working in alcohol is just not appropriate, safe, fun, or nurturing for a beautiful 22 year old girl. sorry guys. i got to go. its not my fault my energy triggered you because youre old and afraid of change and settled for a shitty job just because it paid well. LIFE IS FOR LIVING NOT FOR MAKING MONEY.

on that note, i know its a privilege to up and leave a job simply because the "vibes werent right". its a privilege to say money doesnt matter to me. and its a privilege to choose a job based on my personal preference and not on survival. but its a privilege we all have, if youre willing to work hard enough. im sick of lowering my voice and downplaying my strengths and my achievements for fear of pissing people off, for triggering people, for bringing their insecurities to light. LET ME WIN IN PEACE FOR ONCE. smile for me for once. pretend to be happy for ME for once.

i hate fucking pretending its not that big of a deal when its secretly a huge deal for me. i have achieved so fucking much in the last year of my life. i finished an undergraduate bachelors degree, i got a new job and excelled in it, literally made all the customers prefer me over my longstanding coworkers who are miserable with the worst attitudes even towards me who is nothing but kind and friendly. i started and honours degree whilst working part time - and im excelling in that too. because i am hardworking as much as everyone wants to pretend im not, and that im not that capable, and that i need things to be explained to MAYBE YOU SHOULD FUCKING LISTEN TO ME FOR ONCE. cause i clearly have a lot more going for me that you want to believe. i might only be 22 but i was raised to work hard and strive and always find something new and better to challenge me to work towards. anyway, i also went on a trip to europe this year . though it feels like ive already erased that from my memory, cause it didnt go the way i wanted it to. anyway. i know how to handle my finances, i am independent, i am strong, i push myself. i joined a gym after years of avoiding and bein afraid and not believing in myself enough to do it. I AM PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY STRONG AND GETTING STRONGER EVERY DAY. ugh . i just wish people could see that. i wish people appreciated that...

yes i was very sad to say i was leaving my job. but God instantly reminded me why i wanted to leave in the first place. why i decided to make that application, go to that interview, and pray for months on end that my time to leave would come soon. because no matter how much love and kindness i pour into that place, it will always take and never give. i am completely drained by it. i will break if i stay there. and i cannot fucking wait to leave and know that slowly but surely, every single one of the stupid, pathetic alcoholics that frequent that place will notice my absence and be disappointed that im gone. and they will wonder why, and they will realise and know, that the people there were so fucking terrible to me that i had no other choice but to find something better. that in their own little way, they contributed to me leaving.

even my manager. i already know im gonna miss him like crazy when i leave but its for the best. not only is this crush fucking relentless and so stupid, but hes not even that great, and he doesnt deserve my respect and adoration to this level. as cute and funny he is, he is just another white man. sigh

i didnt realise i had such a rant to get out... i think scott triggered me yesterday. the good thing is i dont really notice in the moment how much of a man child hes being, so he doesnt get the satisfaction of my irritation in person. but i wont forget that he dipped and i didnt get a break after being on my feet for 6 hours straight. fuck you, old man.

[skaardd]

sometimes life is a little weird

I wish I practiced expressing how I feel in words more

Even though something ended, and probably for the better it is still weird.

Its weird to spend a great deal of time, years with someone

Going on long walks together, traveling, drinking, eating, playing games, celebrating holidays, studying, watching movies together for it to just end

It's weird because I will be reminded of the times spent with this person, and I will just be like melancholic. I know that you were not the one meant for me, and I was definitely not the one meant for you, but I still get kinda weird feelings sometimes. Just because we spent so much time and experiences together so of course it will get weird at times when I am reminded of you.

It's kind of like I lost a friend. But it's weird because I don't think we were actually good friends to each other. I think I was good to you 96% of the time, and you it was 50/50. I can't lie, you tried to love me at one point. you spent a lot of time trying to do things for me. But I dont think it was actual love ever. I don't think we ever had a deep connection. you know that. we tried at one point... or I did rather. It's my fault for starting off things weird. but I think if we were really meant to be, we couldn't help but be in love with each other right off the bat.

Anyway, I am still confused by the entire situation at times. I am ok about it 97% of the time, but 3% of the time I get little reminders of your existence. you had an abrupt official leave from my life, but I think we both knew it was happening over time. I kept trying to keep things together, and you were confusing as fuck. I feel bad in general about it. Im sorry for being so abrupt on you. But then I remember the few weeks where you literally told me apparent? lies. You said to my face we cant be together, my parents will never accept you, and *thats* why. Then this story changed to - its not my parents its actually how I feel, I cant be with "someone" like you. Then it changed to - I actually lied about my parents completely. they never said a thing about you. they never had a problem with you. its just me.

It's like you search for issues/problems. Maybe you feel comfortable that way. It's like thats all you ever knew, so if things aren't chaotic you will fill that void in by creating chaos yourself.

Tonight is the first night since you told me I cant study outside that I am studying outside, late at night. It felt so weird to go back out after 7 and go to SBU to study. It kinda feels like I am doing something wrong by being here. I changed a lot of myself to appease you. I noticed that I became more of a pushover, and more submissive or agreeable with people. Timid, and not as ambitious, more laid back, more careless, less driven, and more people pleaser as I was with you. Thats not good. I feel like I am regaining who I am back again.

I am sad that I hurt you. But you kinda hurt me more. In my opinion, a good relationship is really built on a strong foundation thats created by a good man. I am not saying youre not good, but you know that you didnt display the best version of yourself when you were with me.

anyway, I am just experiencing these feelings and I wanted to say them out loud.

[kidkintsugi]

i never knew it would get to this point, but:

a LOT of people have taken a liking to me to the point that im considered popular and i despise it.

tw very brief mention of sh towards the end

i try my hardest to be kind even when faced with rude or careless people. this makes me a gigantic people pleaser, also meaning that i attract a lot of people that either try to leech off of me or people that are just plain weird!! im a bit weird myself but theres always bigger fish and BROTHER im barely a guppy in this metaphor.

but these new people are good people (aside from my flatmate im still pissed. fuck him). i want to be good to them in return because i cant remember a time i have ever been treated this nicely.

this comes at a price. i am a very private person and i enjoy and value my spare time ALONE. some people are aching to be in the position im in but to me its painful.

i want to spend time with you but ive ran out of energy. i would never tell you off though because i know that youre feeling lonely and i dont want you to dwell on your feelings all alone. i want to be there for you but im so, so exhausted.

i want to help you with this assignment because you asked so nicely, but keep in mind that i will completely lose focus of my own tasks and end up as a burnt out pos by the end of the deadline because of it. theres also 5 other people asking for my help.

yes, you may do all of the art related parts of our project. i wanted to do some art stuff as well, but the guy that wanted to program for us has been calling in sick and well, somebody has to do it and if you dont want to then i might as well get busy huh! its an opportunity to learn i should be happy about it!

yes i can bring you food. you also called in sick and i care about you. i know how hard it is for you to ask for help, but you did so well asking me and so i will bring you some food from the store. i might have sacrificed my entire break and didnt get any food for myself because i was in a rush, but im glad to see you happy.

yes i will continue to spend time with you even though your constant romantic advances and hints scare me shitless. i value as a friend and pointing out your flirting will either get me ridiculed or destroy the wonderful friendship we have. please just stop touching me (not like i would ever have the balls to say that)

how could i ever say no to you when i love you so so much.

my skin tingles with the urge to inj/re myself. its like electricity below my skin and theres no other way for me to do it than to scratch bite and cvt like a rabid animal.

i stopped tracking the time i was clean; i will probably never be. its not worth trying anymore.

i just wanna sleep bro. why wont you hate me like the others did. please dont expect so much im practically useless.

i hope this all ends soon.