#i woke myself up in the middle of the night because i apparently set a calendar alarm for recycle-your-plastics day...

[catbeau]

✨🌟✨🌟

[athanza]

Starlett - Part 2

Cooper Howard/fem!OC (not self-insert)

Tags: Hurt/comfort (sort of?), non-allowed romantic connection, lots of tention, pre and post war drama, some Cooper dad fluff because why not ♡

Warnings: Mentions of domestic abuse and (no graphic scenes or descriptions of that nature), angst, canon wasteland violence

This branches out from canon but I thought it was a cute story idea so I had to write it. Enjoy! ♡

Part 1 | Part 3 | Final part

2296

The harsh sun was setting now which meant he needed to find somewhere to settle in for the night. The rickety second floor of one of these buildings would be the best option so he'd have a good vantage point if something were to happen.

As he searched for the right building he began to hear muffled screaming coming from further in the crumbled town. At first, he couldn't give a rat's ass, but he needed to know if it was a big enough threat for him to keep moving.

It didn't take long for gunshots to begin ringing out through the ruins, but they were only from 3 separate guns...then 2...then 1.

As he reached the area where the shots were coming from, the sounds of a pissed off Yao Guai became apparent, and there was one singular person left to fight it off but she looked like she was badly injured.

"You son of a bitch!!" She yelled when her gun jammed and the wounded beast readied itself for another charge.

As it lunged at her one more time a shotgun shell slammed into the side of it's head and it went down, a pink mist left in the air for a moment as the rest of it's brains splattered to the ground.

The woman turned to where the shot came from to see Cooper walking casually towards her, unable to see his face very well in the dark. She pointed her now un-jammed rifle at him just in case.

"Those things'll kill ya." He quipped.

"Yeah, no shit." She replied, wincing at the pain from a gash on her side.

He cocked his head a little. Her voice sounded familiar.

"Why don't you put down that gun so I can cut myself some bear hide and be on my way?"

She scoffed. "So you can shoot me in the face and steal all my shit? No thanks cowboy."

That was it, the confirmation he didn't think he'd get.

"Irene?" He said.

The woman paused briefly, then aimed her gun properly. "How do you know my name?"

He stepped a little closer so that the light from the lantern on the ground could illuminate his face.

It took her a moment but she recognised his eyes and immediately lowered her weapon.

"Cooper?"

2077

A scream woke Cooper up in the middle of the night and he instinctively got up and ran to his daughter's room.

"Daddy!" Janey cried when she saw him.

He came over and hugged her tightly. "Hey, hey, it's ok, it was just a dream, you're ok."

She cried into him for a moment before spluttering "Why don't you and mommy love each other anymore?"

That caught him off guard. He had no idea what to say and it hurt so much hearing her say that.

"It's not that we don't love each other honey, it's just..." He tried desperately to search for the right words. "Well...your mom and I just disagree on somethin' really important and we tried to figure it out but it was too hard."

"What did you disagree on?"

"Well...that's grown up stuff baby girl."

She sulked quietly, putting her head back on his chest.

"We still love you very very much, that hasn't changed at all."

"Is it my fault?" She asked and his heart broke.

"No baby girl, no, not at all. None of this is your fault."

"I know I haven't been doing my homework, and I don't always feed Roosevelt when I'm told and-"

He cut her off, kneeling beside the bed so he could look her in the eyes. "Janey," he held her hands. "None of this is your fault. Your mother and I loved you since the day we found out we were gonna have you. And when you were born, we looked at you and we just cried and cried.

I have never been prouder or happier than I was in that moment. And you know what? That hasn't changed a bit, not even a little."

Janey smiled, her face still wet with leftover tears.

"Really?" She sniffed.

"Yes." Cooper chuckled, scooping her up and hugging her again and she giggled. "Now, how about a hot chocolate, with double marshmallows?"

She smiled and nodded enthusiastically.

She hugged him as he carried her downstairs. "I love you daddy." She said.

His chest burst with warmth and happiness and he smiled. "I love you too sweetheart."

The next morning, Janey was watching cartoons on the TV while eating her breakfast and Cooper sipped greatfully at his cup of hot coffee, having not gotten much sleep.

He smiled as he heard his daughter giggle at the TV, her mouth full of cereal, and sat down at the dining table with his newspaper.

But just as he sat down the loud ringing from the telephone rang out through the kitchen and he sighed heavily.

"I'll get it!" Janey yelled and ran over, hoping it was her mother. Her face dropped when it wasn't her mother's voice she heard on the other end of the line. "Yeah he's here, I'll put him on."

Cooper looked up at her tone and she held the receiver out to him. "It's for you dad."

He walked over and took it, kissing her on the head before she went back to her cartoons.

"Hello?" He said.

"Mr. Howard, it's Irene. I'm sorry to call you at home but I need your help."

Her voice told him it was serious. "What's wrong?"

"You were right. About Frank. I know we barely know each other but I need somewhere to stay for the night before I go to my mother's up in Sacramento. Lee...Lee doesn't know."

"I uh..."

"...no, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have bothered you." She said.

"No, no, it's ok. I'll make up the guest room for you."

He could hear a faint sigh of relief in her answer. "Thank you, so much, I owe you one."

He gave her his address and they hung up.

"Who was that dad?" Asked Janey.

"A friend from work. She needs a place to stay tonight so she's gonna stay in the guest bedroom. You'd like her."

She kind of shrugged in an uninterested way and took another bite of her cereal, her attention back on the TV.

He hoped no one sees Irene at his house, that's the last thing he needs in the papers, especially now.

Part 1 | Part 3

[aching-tummies]

Groan Tube Tummy

Anyone remember those "Groan Tube" toys from the early 2000s?

I woke up to an uncomfortable tummy.

Dinner wasn't very filling last night so I filled up on tea 'cuz I was too lazy to bother to cook up something else for myself. I was also trying out a new blend of tea and it tasted pretty good. Chinese-style tea with just leaves in hot water.

Maybe it's stress because I spent all day yesterday fretting over some documentation stuff I had to submit the next day. I tried submitting it just after midnight and the thing wouldn't let me. I'd been stressing and going over the stuff for well over 8 hours at that point just to make sure I didn't fudge anything. I looked up whether or not other people had the same experience with the thing not submitting and saw quite a few posts online in regards to this specific thing where people said, "Nah--wait 6 hours" followed by others that claimed they waited 8 or 8.5 hours before the site finally took their submissions. So I decided to sleep on it and set an alarm for 6 hours later and every hour after that to remind me to try to submit the things.

6AM, alarm goes off. I sit up to turn the alarm off…and my stomach lets out a strange noise. Hard to describe, but if anyone remembers those toys from the early 2000s called "Groan Tube Noise Makers"? You can look 'em up under that name. I just did. Yeah, my guts let out short bursts of this kind of noise.

It's been almost an hour since I woke up and my stomach has not stopped making these noises. I have my stethoscope tucked just under my navel as I type all of this out and it sounds like someone tipping a Groan Tube every other minute.

The interesting thing is that these noises are actually really uncomfortable. My intestines feel like they're distended and whenever the 'Groan' of a gurgle passes through it's like being pinched in that specific segment of intestine.

The 'Groan' noises are erupting absolutely everywhere in my intestines. Upperleft, lower right, criss-crossing the middle and particularly loud and deep just below my navel.

What I wouldn't give to be sitting in a partner's lap--me stressing over getting these documents submitted, both hands frantically typing away on my laptop…and their hands languidly squeezing and prodding my guts--messing with my belly and getting all of these groans and glorps out of my system. Like...it's not quite painful...but it's really, really uncomfortable and is definitely a sensation I'd classify as a 'tummy ache'.

Honestly, I wonder about the new tea leaves I used last night. The reaction from my tummy this morning really feels like something didn't agree with my intestines. The way my intestines feel bloated up and are grumbling honestly sounds exactly like how all the asks describing sugar-free bloats to be. So I can't help but wonder if maybe those tea leaves had some sugar-free substance on them or something. I mean, they shouldn't. To my knowledge, they really were just tea leaves that had maybe been roasted and dried before being packaged in a vacuum-sealed bag.

Just tried Googling if green tea can cause upset stomachs or stomach aches. I've never had this problem before and I've had plenty of different kinds of green tea before this. Apparently, it's something called 'tannins' and something about proteins binding in the intestines?

So…either I never fill up on green tea ever again in lieu of a filling dinner…or I gotta do this again…for science--to truly confirm whether or not I have 5lbs of literal fetish-fuel in the form of tea leaves. As always, gimme your best responses. Do your worst! My intestines already feel icky and uncomfy--what could you possibly add?

[pbandjesse]

Oh man am I tired. Only physically though My brain is very awake. But today honestly was pretty good. The energy was just a little off.

I have high hopes because I actually slept really well. I did wake up in the middle of the night entirely too hot but James turned the fan on and then everything was fine. When I woke up for real I was not thrilled. But mostly cuz I was really dehydrated. After I drink some water and walked my face I felt a lot better.

I got dressed and I knew I was going to be changing later so I wasn't that concerned about my outfit. But I wore one of the new dresses that I got from the free pile at work and it's like a tennis dress with shorts built in and it was pretty comfortable but I definitely am having trouble with keeping my bike shorts down and this dress was no different. And that was a little annoying but not a huge deal in the long run. James left for work while I was putting my makeup on because it was starting to drizzle and they did not want to get caught in any rain. But it didn't actually rain today. It just drizzled like two or three times and then would stop pretty quickly.

I left for work and it was a perfectly fine drive. When I got to camp I was still the first one there. And I would pretty much right away go and collect all my Native American stuff to get set up. I was apparently wrongly under the assumption that Sarah was going to be running the one on Monday. Because I don't work on Mondays. So I got everything ready for her. I printed everything out and got everything set up and I was good to go.

Heather would come in and we had a nice conversation about the networking I did last night and I passed on the business card that I collected. And we just talked about the field trip and how with the new stuff at the museum I'm just kind of a little frazzled as I'm getting used to it and figuring out how that will fit and arrange my schedule. And she's like super supportive and it always makes me feel nice to talk to her. Heather's great.

And I would feel pretty productive. I was there from 8:00 to almost noon and I was just plugging away. Around 11:00 I started getting a little short of tasks. I had emailed the teachers and checked on some stuff and I felt like I was at the end of what I could actually accomplish. Braden had just gotten back from Spain and he came to visit and it was really nice to see him. He also craved Chipotle while he was in Europe. Which I thought was very funny. He said that was the first thing he ate when he got back. And then I said goodbye and I headed out.

I went to Marshalls because my idea was I was going to get a couple pieces that I could wear for events. I found five things I liked but I only ended up getting two of them because the other ones just didn't fit my body the way I wanted them to. And even the two I got I was just like they're good but they're not perfect. I think with some styling they're going to be great. But it's just one of those things.

I would leave there and drove down the road to go to Goodwill. I had good luck there. Found three pieces. And a couple other small goofy things. Like the pickled person. And I was in a really good mood. I felt like things were going great. It had some really nice conversations with people while I was out. And things were looking really positive.

I drove home. But right before I got back to the house I got a notification that I had a text message from work. And it was like a wall of text. I had texted Sarah just letting her know that all of the journals and paperwork and stuff was on the desk and just was like cool you're going to do great. But when I parked and read this text message I was so angry. Just like beside myself angry. I don't know if I'm reading a tone in the text but I felt attached and belittled. Basically I was under the impression that Sarah was leaving this program but others are under the impression that we had conversations about me doing it and that it's been on the books for months. I don't work on Mondays. Was never in my mind that I was working this Monday. I brought it up last Monday that if I didn't have to come in on Tuesday on my first day of events I would come in on Monday. But that wasn't either or. It was not a both. And I just felt like the way that I was texted was not appropriate because it was accusatory. And I was going to respond very angry. I was shaking I was so mad. But I calmed down and I just tried to be factual that I didn't agree with the interpretation of the schedule. But I would come in. And then I immediately texted Alexi. That I'm sorry there was confusion I will come in on Monday but I want to reevaluate my job at camp.

Because this is the third time in the last two weeks that I have almost quit on the spot because of miscommunication and in my opinion mishandling of situations and staff. And I have burned bridges for way less. I am not saying that I'm going to burn this bridge. I still want to do summer camp. But I am sick of having issues and complaints about the work environment and the work expectations and being told well that's just how it is and I won't be exploited. I let myself be explored for camp plenty because I believe in certain things that we do and so I know that our pay can only be so much and I understand that sometimes we have to do extra stuff but also I'm not a fool. And I will not be treated like one. I'm also not a child. And I won't be spoken to like one.

So I was sitting in my car outside of our house for a while mostly in tears and shaking cuz I was so mad. And I know I catastrophized things when I'm upset. And I know that I threatened to quit and I feel it in my whole body that it is the right thing to do but I know in my brain that it is not. And that I can't freak out and just give up. So I sent that text to alexie and she thanked me and said that we will speak next week. I don't want to talk on the phone right now I just want to talk in person and I don't want to have a sit down conversation where we use restorative justice and talk through things because I know that if I am confronted I will just cry. So I am going to think long and hard about what I want. And what I want is to lead arts and crafts and be at summer camp. What I do not want is to be dicked around. And I very much feel like that is what is happening right now.

And honestly it almost feels retaliatory because I am getting another job and moving away from being there. But the grant is ending. I have to take care of myself. And I am trying my best to be financially as smart as possible and I have to look at the numbers and look at the facts and I'm going to do whatever brings me the most joy and makes me the most money. I am not money hungry but I am realistic.

I calmed down. I was in the car for a while. But I went inside and I held sweetp and everything was okay. James let me know this morning that they saw omelette. And he is alive. So we now have three frogs I guess! I have not yet gotten a picture of both of them next to each other but I really hope I do. Because the size difference is just going to be very funny. But that made me feel good. To know that he was doing all right.

I would go upstairs and try on the pieces that I bought. Mixed results there. With the Goodwill pieces. Two of them are a little small but I think with some modifications they will be okay. But because my arms are a little junky I got stuck in one of the dresses and I couldn't get out. And it was very scary for a few minutes there. But I freed myself and everything was okay.

I did put the pickled person that I bought in the fridge. Because I had sent a picture of it to James and they said that they were never going to be able to get that image out of their head and I don't think they know I bought it but I thought it would be funny if I put it in the fridge. They have not said anything yet about it but I am hoping that they do soon because it's just very funny to me.

I would just chill for a while. I cut my cuticles and fixed my makeup. I was going to wear a long dress but I decided on a short one and I'm really glad I did it because I was really happy with my outfit. And after having a little bit of lunch I left to go to the museum.

Traffic was pretty bad and my GPS took me a very bizarre way I think to avoid some of the traffic. But I got there early and went inside to see my James. And I was very happy to see them. And they would tell me a little bit about the day and just stuff. And soon I would go and find Jesse and Merrill to get the lowdown on tonight's prom.

I don't know if you know this about me but I didn't have a problem. My school did not believe in dancing. So we had a banquet. So I still have to dress up but it's definitely not the same five. It was more just like a dinner. And I was really. I know it's not the same still had fun seeing everybody dressed up and all that. But that would not start me for hours.

Slowly people for the event started coming in. I was mostly just hanging out with Jesse and Merrill and we were discussing procedure stuff still and we were going to have a meeting conversation later. First we were thinking about the garment loft but we ended up being in AL2.

And then people were coming in. We had care we had the event organizer and parents/shop room? I think they were and then people were coming in. We had care we had the event organizer and chaperones and teachers. And they were getting set up and everything was going really good.

The caters were definitely interested. This is our cheapest option on our Peters list and while the food is really good The service was not exactly what I was expecting. There was a lot of like miscommunication and and just a little bit of wonkiness there. I feel like the staff was as interested in talking to us. But I still think they did a really good job. And the food was good like I said. There was also a secondary vendor that was just there for desserts but that caused some friction between the caterer and the dessert vendor because neither of them knew the other ones going to be there apparently? Unclear. It seemed like there was a little bit of holding information close to the chest from the event organizer. Like the caterers were told there was only going to be 200 people but it was actually more like 350. So that was going to be a problem later when they ran out of cups. But we did the best we could and honestly I think the kids had a good time.

So fun when the kids started coming in though I love seeing them all dressed up and they all looked their best and it was just really sweet. And I was just enjoying looking around and watching people but eventually we would head back to AL2 to have our meeting of the minds and discussion. And honestly it was really good discussions. I felt like we were all on the same team and we just went what's best for each other and we're really frank and open about money and expectations and all that kind of stuff. We're also all really interested in bringing more of the departments together so we are having a lot of fun just discussing how we made be able to do that and I just think if we can convince the other departments to get on board with this we will be super successful as an organization moving forward and that's really important to me because I love the museum.

We did realize pretty quickly though that because they had way more people than they were planning on we needed to get food right then. So we were the first ones to get food from catering. And of course me and Jesse both caused a little bit of chaos when I dropped pasta and he dropped a soda. But we were able to get our food and we went back to the educators room to eat and we just talked about our weddings and stories about fights with our spouses and just having fun. It was just a lot of really good conversation and it was a really nice night.

We would head back to AL2 to continue our meeting of the month. And we would go through what each event costs and goals and just stuff like that like how can we make this the best museum possible and how can events do that in the constraints and how many hours there are a day. And I think together we're going to really do great. And that feels really nice because I feel like I'm a part of a team. And I feel so often I felt like I was just let to try to do things but not actually able to accomplish them because no one else had followed through. But in this instance I really feel like with all of us and all of our brain power we can actually push through some institutional changes. And that's awesome.

James had gone to a game and I had been following a long both with their text messages and just the Google alert on my phone so I knew that the Orioles were doing really well and they won in the end. And when the game was over James would come back to the museum to give me a little smooch. And then tell us about baseball before they went home.

I'm really glad they did that because I would not be leaving the museum until midnight. And I was hoping that they would just go to sleep because they wake up so early. But there was still a lot of night left.

Merrell would leave at 10:00 soon after James had. And me and Jesse would mostly hang out at the desk at that point. And we didn't talk as much about directing them event stuff more some of the ideas I had for programs and projects that we could sell to people. And also I'm going to be taking over social media so thinking about what my guaranteed hours might look like in the future. I think for me is continue the flat rate for me and try to get Merrill guaranteed hours first. And then once campus over and I can be more available in the fall then I moved to a hourly position and then have guaranteed part-time hours for me. Because all I want is 24 hours. Or 3 days. Basically. I would even be willing to do 4 days.

I just really want to be a part of a team and do some cool things. And not work directly with children constantly. It's a different energy and a different chaos and I'm excited about it.

Once the party was over We had some confusion about who was supposed to clean up what. Catering supposed to clean up everything but they were under the impression that they only had to clean up the main room. So me and Jesse were doing a little cleaning as well. I'm just trying to manage that because it was a little uncomfortable. But at midnight Jesse told me to go home and he would finish vacuuming. And I appreciate that because I have a lot to do tomorrow.

I am going to Scottish games with my mom and my aunt and I'm super excited about it. And then we have Mike's wedding. So it's going to be very busy day. I am looking forward to every part of it.

I just got home and I'm going to take a shower and go to bed. And be excited for the morning.

I love you all. Good night!

[seariii]

That was the best sleep I've had in months....

I had two dreams ... Under the cut because it'll probably be long. This is mostly for myself heh

The first one was... It was the middle of the night, pitch black on my room, it was raining and there was a thunderstorm. I was terrified, I wanted to cry and so I was covering my whole body with my covers. I kept hearing noises which made my panic worse until I started hearing a meowing.

I was confused and hesitantly uncovered my head and opened my curtain (where the meowing was coming from), not looking anywhere else. Then I saw a cat, an.... Orange? Beige? Cat. The cat was crying and looked scared and cold, so instinctively I opened the window and moved the net so the kitty could get in.

I tried to grab the cat but it scratched me and I started to panic once more "I just let a random cat into my room wth am I gonna do when my mom finds out". Even so, I tried to put the covers I was using in a certain way so the cat would use it as a nest and then I covered them up.

I had to get another set of covers for me but that's okay. The cat slept nicely and the next morning I was allowed to pet 'em, it was nice.

A while later, my mom opened my door and yelled at me that what was I doing with a cat, then it changed pov and I got it from the cat. Apparently the kitty was meowing for a while, but on my brother's window, and when I opened the curtain and let them in, they were really happy and it was like a little light and warmth. The cat hated my brother and wasn't sure what to do or feel towards my mom.

Then I woke up, it was like 3am

I can't remember if it was a male or female cat... And I don't like calling animals it...

Anyways that's that, now the second one!

I.... Don't remember exactly how it started, but I had to go to the hospital with my family for something. As my mom and brother went to get it, I stayed behind on the waiting room. I was looking around and spotted someone i knew, two people actually. I immediately tensed up "I hope they don't see me".

I kept panicking and avoiding eye contact, until my family came back. My brother wanted to buy something to drink from the hospital cafeteria and so we got on line. I was behind them, and looked like I was on my own. When they started to order, I took a peak and saw that they also sold stickers and glue and other cute stuff. I didn't have money do it for as a no go but I loved to see it.

Then someone snapped me out of it, it was one of the people i recognize with their mom. The mom asked if I could let them in on the line, and as the people pleaser k am, I said yes without thinking. When my family was done i nodded my head to the mom and let them in on line as I left. I then looked behind and saw how long the line was and felt really conflicted on letting her cut in line.

When we were walking on the parking lot, my brother said he would drive, my mom was like "you sure?" And then he went sike. I laughed and said I would do it, I've done it before (on my dreams lmao). Mom didn't listen and she was getting ready to drive. The car was on a weird position tho, between a pole and a wall, and my mom didn't know how to get it out of there. A man appeared and said he would help, my brother and I got on the car and I told him to help me ... Undo? The hand break. The man had grabbed the car and was pulling it as if it was a toy, but he got us out if that weird problem.

For some reason, I wanted to prove I could get home on my own? So I left them and began making my way on a scooter????

At first I was doing great, but I was going on the middle of the road, and a couple things started going wrong. Like, I passed by a garage sale and saw something nice, but the guy assumed I was gonna steal it. I kept going and eventually got inside a mall (idk why) and as I was going I saw a store full of cute stuff. I stopped and looked at the things on display. They had itta bags! And I've been searching for one!

At that moment was when I noticed. As I was walking in, I saw in my reflection that I was a man and I was like "oh ... Okay then" and went in not caring at all lmao.

I started seeing everything, all was so cute! They had keychains, posters, plusies, bags, I was in paradise! But a lady talked to me and said they needed my number for a survey on the store and I was like (⁠´⁠；⁠ω⁠；⁠｀⁠) but I've already done it before. To which she answered "yes, but on another store, not this one" so I agreed because I couldn't say no.

I answered some questions and then continue browsing. I saw they had mangas and when I saw the had the Shugo Chara one I ran to it and wanted to buy it, but it came in a broken bag and I wasn't sure if I could buy it. Another of the ladies that worked there got close to me and kneeled down beside me as we kept looking through the shelf. the other mangas they had didn't matter to me, so I was talking with the lady and asking how I could get this one manga. She took it and said she was gonna ask

On the mean time I continued browsing and reached the skin care isle, I started looking through the products and wondering if I should get something. Then the lady came back with an annoyed expression and started to complain about me. Saying "you are trying to hard. Just because you enter a place like this doesn't mean anything. You giving your number and going along with the survey was such a desperate act of you, huh? You are pathetic" and I was confused and just answered "... You are angry I don't know how to say no?"

Anyways, I didn't buy anything and started to leave. I got back on my scooter and went away. I almost drove over someone, and as I'm as about to leave the mall I saw someone about to get their ass beaten up, so I came in between and politely asked the other person not to. Idk if it worked but then I went outside.

As I was leaving I hear the lady from before call out to me, yelling my name (no actual name was heard tho, my dreams never assign names). I groaned and rolled my eyes, I slowed down but didn't stop. She reached me and started to apologize and.... flirting??? In my little aroace spec mind, she thought I had money and was trying to get something out of me. I, of course, rejected her and tried to go away. But she kept standing in front of my path and one time she actually hopped on the scooter and hugged me.

I was done, I hated this so much. I stopped and told her to get off and let go of me. She didn't listen and I was about to go crazy.

For some reason I just kept going with her holding me like that. It was starting to get dark and I didn't know where I was. I was debating on using Google maps, but for some reason I didn't want to.

I was trying to cross a big road, but the cars never stopped coming. So I waited until it looked like not s lot were coming and I tried to cross it was difficult af. When I was about to reach the other side a car was coming from my right. They were slow and k stopped so they cold pass in front of me. Well, the car didn't stop and trying to avoid me (I was out of their way), really slowlytook a turn and kept going until it slowly hit the wall. It was barely a small bump into the wall, but I saw the driver pissed, saying it was my fault and I was gonna need to pay it. "It wasn't my fault" idk if I said it or thought it.

I went away and took a on the first street so I didn't have that person close anymore. As I was doing that I heard the man start laughing like crazy, and with that, with it being dark now, with not knowing where we are I panicked badly. I started to move faster and told the lady to call my mom and told her the number.

My panic was increasing by the second because I really didn't know where we were and it was getting darker and darker, plus I was afraid the man was following us.

Before my mom could answer I woke up... It was a weird dream... And I kinda wanna go back to sleep...

That's all

[mickgaydolenz]

SO I JUST REMEMBERED THIS DREAM I HAD

seriously this is gonna be fcking crazy buckle up

I was walking through a really really lovely neighborhood, looked like it could've been up north of where I live, the sun was setting but it was still bright out, I was like, this adult lady, and I was going to my dad's house to visit him, and he's my dad so I don't knock I just walk in and instead of my dad it was three strangers. dressed like members of the mafia. two guys and one lady (beautiful, might I add) and they stood up all fast and pulled me into the room and sat me on the lady's lap (I swear to god dream me is a lady killer and I had this dream like two years ago). They asked me who I was, what I was doing here, etc. then they just told me they were gonna kill my dad. naturally, I didn't wanna hear that, but then they kicked me out of the house and I ran all the way to the tennis court (apparently dream me knew that he was there) and I literally saw him playing tennis, I was running like hell so I was crazy out of breath and couldn't say anything and I was also across the street, but a car drove by and shot him. they literally drive by-ed my father. so I screamed and ran in the opposite direction, trying to get out of range if they decided to kill me, and eventually ran all the way into this forest thing, saw a hole in one of the tree roots that could fit me, and still thinking they were chasing after me, I crawled in, and on the inside, it was like this hallway, but I still had to crawl in it, but the hallway was nice. it had a very peaceful orange light and the walls had the kind of wallpaper hotel hallways have, and at the end of the hallway was a door, so I crawled towards it and opened it, only to reveal the same thing, only slightly smaller. and I kept crawling through these over and over until I was completely stuck and unable to move forward or backward, in the crawling position. and I knew I was never ever going to be able to get out of this. cause i'd been trying forever but I was wedged between the walls and stuck. and I'm an extremely claustrophobic person, so I start panicking, hyperventilating, and began smashing my head against the door in front of me to kill myself. I do that, to kill myself. because I'd rather be dead than stuck in between that. over and over I kept smashing my head against the wall, I can literally feel the dent in my head and there is blood everywhere but I'm not dead, I start screaming and crying and doing it harder and harder but I just don't die. then, all of the sudden, I'm my age again. and I'm jogging down the middle of the road at night in a suburban neighborhood. and eventually I stop and look at one of the nicest biggest houses in the neighborhood (it wasn't even a real neighborhood, just so you know) and think 'I wonder what it's like to kill someone,....' ????? so I opened the door to the house, grab a knife from the kitchen, and go upstairs to where an old lady was sleeping. now I don't know what I did exactly just that the next thing I was doing was burying her body IN HER OWN GARDEN. then I live my life for a few days but then there are cops at my door, who play a video on my TV of me burying the old lady's body in her garden, next thing I know I'm in a court room being sentenced to 24 years in prison. and while I was being taken away there were kids there who started singing "shes going away! oOooh she's going away! she'll be back in 24 years!" all cheery and I yelled at them "you are horrible kids!" then I woke up

AM I A CYCLE PATH????

*said in cheesy film noir voice* you lived long enough to see yourself become the villain kid 🕵️

BUT ALSO UUUUUUUUUHHH!?!?!??!!!?!?? gotta say the worst part of that whole dream was when you alice in wonderlanded yourself in the increasingly smaller hallways and decided to smASH YOUR HEAD IN!?!?!? ooooooooooooooooooof 😩. i like how murderer raya still thought she had the right to pass moral judgment on those kids 😂

[bisognamorire]

Beloved and dearly missed A.,

Happy Friday!

I am unsure what you would think of me writing these, because isn’t this kind of ‘not letting go’? But I thought: for me it is in a way, because I’m not asking for a response or acknowledgement and whether I type it out or not is a bit of the same, because I would tell you in my mind, if I wasn’t writing it down. I always want to talk with you. I always miss you. And you know I am always delusional and pathetic.

Two days ago, I had some nervousness inducing conversations with my therapist about me being dissociated most of the time, up to the point that I even dissociate in therapy sessions and can’t really process or understand/accept what is being said to me. And that I feel anxious to ask questions because I worry my therapist might not be honest to me when I ask her to be upfront (which is ofc my own trust issues) or might feel I’m annoying her.

We then looked closer at that cycle of dissociation and anxiety. I felt horrified to see how torn that inner insecurity (almost a grappling for the perception of reality between the “trauma brain/adult brain”) makes me feel and act at times. Sure you remember. And to get a sense of all the potential damage that volatile dynamic can cause others and myself.

This week has started with many people calling in sick to work, so I was obliged to take on more shifts than I originally had. Needless to mention that that isn’t very pleasant. I feel rather knocked out by this week. Patients and coworkers have been rather rude too — it reminded me of the time you worked in the city museum front desk. I, too, experience the general public’s madness everyday. So many bizarre things that I can’t possibly write it all down or remember it. I was once asked out of the blue, mid conversation, by a grandpa whether I was wearing a wig. An other patient complained to me that his taxi was taking too long to pick him up, but he apparently hadn’t even called one (?). Then the general babylonic discourses with russian people who are unfazed at me telling them I don’t speak russian and who proceed to speak russian anyway… 🫨

Im just constantly tired and exhausted— it reminded me of that little sketch you drew of yourself of rotting in bed and saying ‘surely theres a better way to live my life than that’.

Yesterday I rolled over in bed and stared at my wall. My blanket had wrapped around my torso tightly. I remembered you hugging me like that in the bed you had set up for me in your room on that last night and just began to cry horribly.

Not all that I feel can be expressed in words about all that.

I’ve also not slept very well all week and woke up in the middle of the night. I suppose dad and you are haunting me in my subconscious.

But — on to more ‘joyous’ things.

You know how I read up about the Somerton Man (scary) and I was very intrigued by the process of identifying him and just the mystery around that ‘Tamam Shud’ from Omar Khayyam’s Rubaiyat in his pocket. I had wanted to have a copy of that for myself (there are such nice editions with art nouveau illustrations which you would surely appreciate too) and went to a nearby antique book store after my massage last Saturday. They had a battered 1913 copy (unfortunately without illustrations) of it and some of the poems really resonated with how I feel.

Heres some of my favourites:

Three days ago the rest of my Yamato Cosplay unexpectedly arrived in the mail, so I took some joy out of completing the costume for now. I feel like my inner transmasc oni was turned outward finally! 👹

For my birthday last year Sharon’s boyfriend gifted me a box of Basilur Green Tea assortment from the russian supermarket in front of my house. I usually don’t like green tea, so I only tried it recently. In that assortment they had a few sachets of milk oolong tea, do you know it? I love it now. I drink it with two or three spoons of sugar and a bit of milk. Its not as irritating to the stomach as the Earl Grey I favour, maybe you can try it? ♥️

While we are on the topic of Earl Grey — after I have completed a cosplay of Transmasc Oni Yamato (my alter ego) I am now thinking of doing a Ciel Phantomhive or Pinocchio from Lies of P cosplay, just because they’re both giving off that assholish midget horse-lady Laurent vibes, which — as you know — is also my alter ego 😏

I’ve been doodling a bit in the evenings after work (I’ve not drawn something in so long, and why? for who?), and listening to anime openings etc. Sometimes I wonder if it is a bit cringe that I still gain joy from the same things I had when I was 13, living with my parents back then and feeling utterly lonely (still do). Here are some of the things I’ve drawn:

The first one is depicting how I feel when I am experiencing an episode of mania (also, also, blood thing/our Laurent, self insert?). I called this emotional state ‘Archangel’, because it isn’t actually me, or thats how it feels at least. It is this righteous entity, that is entitled to anger and vengeful feelings. He is 100% sure his feelings are justified. I don’t often experience the archangel or that inner ‘surety’ of my own perception, of reality. But when I do — not only does he feel anger, he also punishes me bodily for — by proxy — feeling anger through him. He humiliates me. It is almost as if I was taking on the persona’s of the people who abused me as a child. Who disallowed me from standing up for myself, and who discouraged protecting myself from them, who disallowed me from feeling angry. I am not allowed to be upset.

I’m sorry if thats tmi and makes you uncomfortable, you know I’m always too open.

The second one is Romano and Antonio in the traditional clothes of the Fallas Carnival in Valencia. This year is the tenth year anniversary of me first visiting the city (I can’t believe it! I have memories of 10 years ago!!) I booked a one week vacation there for March to go by myself and finally see the Fallas! Valencia’s main festival! I’m very excited to drink Horchata de Chufa and draw some Antonio/Romano doodles and take naps. I also booked a tour to see the atelier’s of the artists building the statues, that will surely be interesting. I already wish I could send you a postcard, but I’m not supposed to, am I? Maybe I will get one anyway and just post it here and then add it to your little box of things I keep.

Again, I’m looking forward to rest and play my video game on the weekend, when I am off (I’m currently trying to level myself up to take on that acid monster in the Cathedral of St. Frangelico) 🙄

Thinking of you fondly at the sight of the stars & moon,

your Sabo

[theghostpinesmusic]

Mount Eddy Backpack (2/2)

I'd fallen asleep to a clear sky and a calm night in the Upper Deadfall Meadows. I woke up - a few hours later, just after midnight - when the tent wall slapped me hard in the face. Sticking my head out of the tent, I could barely make out the lake, fifty feet away: everything was shrouded in fast-moving fog, carried by a howling wind.

A few years ago, this would have been a disaster for me. Fortunately, I've spent enough nights in inclement conditions since that while the sound and feeling of the wind trying to lift my tent off the ground - as well as the occasional fabric-slap in the face - makes it hard to sleep well, it doesn't make it impossible. My brief survey of the world outside the tent didn't reveal any rain or snow, just wind and fog, and so I did my best to sleep through the rest of the night, and I...mostly succeeded?

It didn't get that cold overnight despite bad the weather - there had certainly been much colder nights weeks earlier in the Sisters Wilderness, plus I'd packed a heavier sleeping bag this time around - but the wind made the morning chilly and miserable. IT'S NEVER A GOOD IDEA FOR SAFETY REASONS SO DON'T DO IT but I cooked my breakfast on the ground inside my tent's vestibule and did literally everything I could possibly do to get ready for the day without leaving my sleeping bag, then rushed to pack up the tent and bag last before my hands and feet went numb in the gale. I didn't bother to wait for the sunrise because the weather was so bad it wasn't like the sun was going to make anything warmer.

I took a darkly amusing picture of Upper Deadfall Lake before heading out because it looked so completely different than it had the previous afternoon when I'd set the tent up.

My plan for the day, which I didn't expect the weather to complicate much once I got moving and warmed up, was to climb back up to the intersection with the Eddy summit trail, but then descend on the Deadfall Lakes Trail to the south. That trail would eventually bear to the east and become the Sisson-Callahan Trail, a trail built over an old wagon road from the 1800s that I'd always wanted to walk a bit of. After a short distance, I would turn south again on the Toad Lake trail, which would take me over a low pass and (you guessed it) to Toad Lake. From there, I could climb up and out of the Toad Lake basin, hook back on to the PCT, (optionally) make a stop at Porcupine Lake, and then head north for a few miles until I found myself back at Middle Deadfall Lake. From there, I would take the lower trail to the Deadfall Lakes Trailhead and then walk the one mile up the road back to my car at Parks Creek. This is, actually, mostly what happened. As usual, it was more interesting than I'd expected. But hey, that's backpacking for you.

I'd been to Toad and Porcupine Lakes before, via the PCT from the south, but everything before and after those lakes would be new hiking for me, which I was really excited about. The first mile or so of the "new" part of the hike was a steep but well-graded descent into the valley south of Eddy. This valley is apparently the origin of the North Fork of the Sacramento River, which is insane and something I literally just learned while looking at a map as I wrote this. Knowledge!

The sunrise kicked off in earnest during this descent, and that combined with the blood finally bringing my hands and feet back to life made this an exceptionally enjoyable bit of hiking.

I latched on to the Sisson-Callahan Trail as planned, took it to where the Toad Lake Trail was supposed to begin...and there was no trail to be found. Now, ten years ago I would have absolutely believed that I was just too dumb to see the trail. Nowadays, though, I've got more than enough bushwhacking and orienteering experience under my belt that after fifteen minutes of searching I was confident in my conclusion that there was no Toad Lake Trail. Hm.

I took a break to think. I could choose to go back the way I came, hike back out to the car the "normal" way, and just have a short, straightforward day. I could continue in the direction of the Toad Lake Trail and hope that, eventually, it might become visible. I couldn't keep following the Sisson-Callahan Trail, though: it went due east, the exact opposite of the direction the car was in.

After thinking and studying the map a bit more, I realized that all "the Toad Lake Trail" did on my map was contour south and west around a hill, climb to a saddle between the summit of that hill and the next one over to the west, and then descend just east of a sharp ridge nearly due south before striking the road to the Toad Lake Trailhead. The country in that direction looked extremely open and easy to traverse, and based on the map would not be that difficult to navigate using landmarks and a compass (if for some reason my phone died). If I got turned around, it would add a lot of time and distance to what was already going to be a really long day, but it was my last day of backpacking in 2023. Why not go for it?

I left the Sisson-Callahan trail and struck off through the trackless forest to the south.

Well, the climb up to the saddle - nearly eight hundred feet above - turned out to be harder than I'd expected due to the loam-y nature of the dirt underneath my feet, but navigating was incredibly straightforward. I never found a trail to speak of, but what was extremely strange was that I occasionally came across a human-made cairn where the trail should have been. My best guess is that the trail once existed, grew over due to lack of maintenance/use, and at some point in that process people had tried to keep it usable by marking it using the cairns that still stand (sans trail) today.

Anyway, I wouldn't necessarily recommend taking this route, but it's certainly possible if you know how cardinal directions work and can navigate by landmarks. Oh, and the view from the unnamed saddle was really great, even though it exposed me again to the gusty wind that the valley had sheltered me from for the previous hour and change.

Well off-trail at this point, unsure of how easy it would be to find my way to Toad Lake, and unnerved by a lot of recent-looking bear scat and prints, I did what any self-respecting modern hiker would do in such a circumstance: I called my wife on the phone and told her where I was in case I died.

I actually wasn't particularly freaked out about this until I made the call: I had a good sense of where I was going, the area was open enough that I wasn't going to accidentally sneak up on or scare a black bear, etc., but I had given Lindsey a particular itinerary when I left the house and now that I understood that the real world didn't feel like matching that itinerary, I wanted to file an update.

That said, I ended the conversation more nervous than I'd started it, as if speaking out loud the possibility of getting lost and/or mauled made it more likely. I barrelled down the backside of the hill into the teeth of the wind, eyes scanning for large, black shapes (of which there were many; all stumps though).

Eventually, after descending a final hill that I slid down on my butt due to it being a washed-out sixty-degree-or-so drop, I hit the Toad Lake road. This wasn't a paved road, but was a clear double-track path, so I took it west. One would think that following this road would be easy and lead one directly to the Toad Lake Trailhead, but alas! It was not that kind of day.

Somehow, I ended up to the south of the road proper despite still being on a double-track path...that eventually dead-ended into a marshy area that was the shore of the (in case you're keeping score at home) Central Fork of the Sacramento River. More bushwhacking ensued before I regained the road proper and then, finally, saw Toad Lake in the distance.

I'd only ever visited the west side of the lake before, and in my semi-aggravated state it seemed to take forever to circumnavigate around to the west side from the southeast, but I did it. There's a pretty steep climb out of this lake basin up to the PCT here, but I was so excited to get to the PCT (and, presumably, a world that made navigational sense again) that I barrelled up it without much trouble. Behind me was a nice view of Toad Lake, which I believe after this trip gets better the further you get away from it.

Despite all my navigational misfortunes and missteps, I was still a bit ahead of my worst-case-scenario schedule, so I took a quick detour south on the PCT to Porcupine Lake.

I'd dayhiked here a few years ago from the south with Lindsey and a friend of ours, and it was a gorgeous little alpine lake in the summertime. It was a bit less photogenic during this moody fall day, but it was still a great place to take an extended lunch break - my first real rest since before realizing that the Toad Lake Trail did not, in fact, exist.

Despite being embedded somewhat in a basin of its own, Porcupine Lake was still exposed to the howling gale. This proved to be a problem, as the food I'd kept back for lunch was a small dehydrated meal leftover from earlier in the season. It was windy enough that it was flat-out impossible to keep my stove lit even behind the biggest tree I could find...so I took fifteen minutes to build a large rock cairn/"oven" to hide my stove in. It wasn't funny while I was doing it, but it was afterward, and it worked!

Finally, about an hour after I'd reached the lake, but much better rested, happier, and fuller, I headed back out to the PCT and turned north. My navigation troubles were over for the day, and I was excited to see what this small, new-to-me stretch of the PCT would show me before wrapping up backpacking for the year.

At first, the trail contoured around the edge of the Toad Lake basin. This provided some great, high-up views of the lake, as well as a few short-but-surprisingly-sketchy traverses. Eventually, the PCT looped out to the east around a high point and I got a great view of Shasta in the distance, along with the valley I'd descended down into that morning.

The views were great along this section, and eventually I also got to see a perspective on Eddy I'd never seen before.

Now heading due north and approaching one final pass, the PCT took me through my favorite bit of hiking that day: a slightly-but-not-too-sketchy traverse through cliffs of "Red Trinities" peridotite.

At the top of this pass was one last view back toward the valley I'd traversed earlier in the day, and from this vantage I could see where I'd climbed down from Upper Deadfall Meadows as well as where I'd crossed the Saddle Of Phantom Bears. It was a neat moment.

From there, the PCT headed two more miles north through relatively straightforward terrain that, to me, in my cold, tired, and footsore state, seemed positively torturous. Once the trail turned back toward the Middle Deadfall Lake basin, though, there was a neat, rocky section that provided another new (and great) view of Eddy.

I walked toward it for a bit, and then, suddenly, I was back at Middle Deadfall Lake.

It, too, suffered a bit in comparison to yesterday's version, though there were still a few of the same campers riding out the weather on the opposite shore, the wind visibly tearing at their tents. I didn't stay here long.

As planned, rather than doubling back directly to the Parks Creek trailhead, I headed downhill at the big intersection, toward the lower Deadfall Meadows. The original draw here had been variety: I love this area and wanted to see it once before the year was out. It wasn't, in theory, a hardship to hike the mile up the road afterward to get to my car.

In practice, it had been a long day already, and though I'd thoroughly enjoyed adventuring along new trails (and non-existent trails of LIES), I was ready to be done. The trek downhill and through the marshes was just as pretty as I'd remembered - albeit featuring less sun and babbling brooks that you'll find there in the summer - but to be honest I was mostly on autopilot at this point, just zoning out mentally as I physically steered my body back to the car by rote.

I think I confused a few people who were loading up at the Deadfall Lakes Trailhead when I resolutely hiked past them and continued on and up the paved road on foot. They passed me in their car a few minutes later, slowed down slightly as if to stop, but then didn't.

I spent the walk up the road musing over what hidden, subtextual message there was to be found in the fact that the last mile of the hundreds I'd hiked this season was taking place on a paved road, with cars roaring past me as I climbed, the roaring of their engines overpowering even the sound of the wind. I couldn't come up with anything. I didn't feel like any of my experiences had been dire or alienating enough for this last, weird mile to serve as some sort of sarcastic referendum.

I'd had a great season, all things considered. There were, of course, ten or twenty other places I would have loved to have gone to and seen given more time, but that will always be true. I would have liked to have gotten to spend more time in the Trinities instead of having them closed for most of the summer due to fire, but hopefully next summer will be better, and safer.

Whatever else happens, I know I'll keep doing these hikes until I physically can't anymore, and even then there will be places I'll be heartbroken to have never seen, or to have not gotten to see again. But that's okay, because that's how walking works, at least if you're doing it right: you never get to the end, because there isn't one. You just keep walking.

[savvyqueen18]

Singing in the Garden

Nite of 3 December 2021

(After a few nights of rough sleep, I finally dream big... and I mean BIG)

I am invited to come and sing to/with an amazing troupe from a more British English setting. I'm there and the people of the troupe have practically pulled me in as part of their family. We go out and visit some of their favorite places then head back to the large house that we are all staying in. (Large as in the ceiling was a high vaulted ceiling) There are still quite a few people that haven't met as the first day was short and some of them were practicing with the master/coach/conductor.

The next day or something I'm out to eat and come out of my favorite restaurant so far and see these three tall men approaching me saying things like you're going to come with us now, and trying to reach for my bag. Well I try to fight them before they actually chill and say they're from the troupe. So we all walk back to the big house where we are staying. Well it's in the middle of a session with a soft piano ballad so everyone has to be quiet.

Soon enough though, we start joking around, I mention that I danced and people wanted to see, that got a rise out of a few people and got them excited, still a bit quiet but excited. I go out to the little porch to take a seat out there in the cool air until a loud crash sound happens. Turns out that somebody was spinning around with another person in their arms and managed to tear down a curtain and rod.

Well, this alerted the conductor and she came out to chastise them. When she locked eyes with me though she looked absolutely furious. She said that I was not supposed to be here right now because I was supposed to be singing with somebody later. She said a few more things that completely pissed me off, so I grabbed my bag and walked off the porch and out of a small gated fence area. People called back for me but I ignored them. There was somebody else approaching in a car, a man with a woman in it, I knew it was one of the troop people that I have yet to meet because he stopped right in front of the main stairs to the house. Well, I was too upset to introduce myself so I walked to the intricate garden that these people had. And once I was out of sight I ran.

Well this garden was absolutely beautiful. It wasn't in full bloom, but I could tell that when all of the flora sprouted something magical could happen. But then I get to another archway at the end of a few twists and turns and here yelling. I look past the archway and it's the same house that the troupe is in. But the building itself looked much fresher. There was a young boy, Florence, I was hearing, running down the stairs toward the garden I was in. A butler shouting his name behind him, much more older and a bit stiffer looking, more distressed than angry. Then I hear the rev of a motorcycle and see one launch off the stairs perpendicular to the ones the boy was running down (the stairs were perpendicular not the motorcycle).

The boy ran into the garden and I took this time to ask the butler what was wrong. He said the young master was making a huge mistake and needed to come back home. So I ran after the boy and started shouting his name. All while I was wearing 3 inch heels and my favorite purple scarf.

I found the boy, but dream magic happened and we've resolved his issue and are back on the steps. The butler is happy and the woman on the motorcycle has come back and is very peeved. Well I try to hide from her, but both the butler and Florence tell her where I was headed ( back to the garden) and she follows me. Well I'm a really bad hider and she finds me quickly. I recognize a younger version conductor of the troupe that I was invited to and it apparently scared the ever-living daylights out of me because I woke up from there.

[logan-after-dark]

Blech. This blog is old and outdated and I feel weird even posting on it, even after changing the name to my new name. But I have a thing to talk about that relates specifically to my spirituality, and that's what this is for. So.

Been thinking about vulnerability today, in the sense that, I don't really feel comfortable displaying any, and the reasons for why that is. Here we go:

So, when I was in my early to mid-teens I think, like 13-15, I started having dreams that featured repeat characters, and they felt more real and more memorable than most of my other dreams. There was this guy with black hair, a pale face (almost paper white) and dark eyes. And he kept showing up in accordance to whatever the story of the dream was as either an antagonist specifically after me or as someone who basically already had me on a leash. He may've had a boss too, but I don't remember if they ever showed up in those dreams or if that was info that came later.

The theme of it was, he wanted to control me for my powers. He had some knowledge of powers that I didn't even know I had, and wanted to use them or use me for access to them. So I was hunted, I was targeted, and in some cases, I was already in chains.

I reached out to a friend of mine from an old spiritual community that did ouija boards and astral projection, and he was able to meet this guy while projecting and ask him what it was he wanted from me. I got a name and the information that he was maybe from the future?? The astral plane gives very few fucks about linear time, let me tell you.

At some point during this, after having had more than a couple dreams following this theme with this same person after me, I consciously decided I didn't want to be a victim anymore. If I was so powerful that he thought he had to subdue me to control me, why don't I just use my power for myself?

That decision changed the tone of all of my dreams afterwards, and it also changed the trajectory for literally my entire personality.

Because the thing about being strong spiritually, is that you can't ever really stop being strong. No days off. I have had some wild shit happen to me. Some examples:

On the advice of a different friend whose mother was into voodoo and some other spiritual practices (her beliefs were kind of a grab bag of everything she identified with from many different practices, which I thought was kind of cool), I carved a symbol I saw in one of my dreams into a thin piece of wood for protection and set it near my bed, and a few nights later I touched it before going to sleep and pain shot up my arm. I hadn't pulled my back or anything and I wasn't otherwise injured and aggravated that. There was no mistaking it for anything else. My friend went pale when I told him what happened and suggested I was dealing with a legit demon. From a guy who didn't really believe in demons to begin with. I wound up burning the board in a bonfire.

Another time, I had these metal dragon necklaces (my dragon chains), and hung one from a post on my bed. I touched it one night and it felt weird - I don't think it was pain shooting up my arm weird, but it was a weird vibe for sure. I took that to another friend who was Wiccan at school for her to check out, and she returned it to me the next morning looking haunted. Apparently she heard cupboard doors opening and slamming half the night? And it infected her house with bad energy. I don't remember what I did with the chain in the end but I stopped relying on physical objects for protection after that. When she gave it back to me she did it with her sleeve around her hand or something, like she didn't even want to touch it.

One last time, I deliberately fucked with the Feng Shui of my room (barely having a grasp of Feng Shui at the time - I took it to mean just moving furniture around) to throw off the demon so that maybe he wouldn't recognize the room and fuck off elsewhere. I woke up in the middle of the night that night with the feeling of freezing cold hands gripping me by the upper arms and shaking me violently. No hands were physically there of course and no one was in my room, but I felt them as real as day.

Those are the kinds of things that I've been having to protect myself against for over twenty years, which is why my personality is so obstinate and stubborn. My dream powers and other abilities are almost entirely willpower based, so I always approach things as like, of course I can do it its easy, watch. If I show an uncharacteristic level of vulnerability or uncertainty in whether I can protect myself or others, that's what brings those kinds of spirits back around. I believe myself to be stronger than all of them because that's what keeps me powerful, and being powerful keeps me & mine safe.

If I never show weakness I will never be targeted. No one can touch me if I'm already at the top. Anyone who attacks me is a fool to try.

I have been at a point on this journey of mine, this weird secret life, where I've been at the top for so long that my secret dream/astral life that I'm considered a demigod, and have gained plenty more abilities since. I know that makes me sound badass, and honestly, I am? But I'm also not someone who enjoys flaunting that, because that also presents a challenge that malicious entities might want to target as well.

Instead, I much prefer to stay in the background, out of the limelight, out of anybody's notice. Its not weakness to not want to be the centre of attention, especially for something like 'I'm too powerful for literally anybody to fuck with'. Its like, making myself small not to defer to anyone, but so that I don't seem like an obvious threat until such time as I need to act to protect me & mine. About the only time I make myself known to spiritual entities its because they're actively bothering one of my friends, and then its a case of "This person is under my protection. Leave or face the consequences." And they often do.

Think like Sans from Undertale, lol. I'm that. Laid back, totally chill, right up until you want to fuck around in order to find out. And even then I'd probably pull punches somewhat. Its honestly ridiculous the shit I can do.

And its that underlying confidence that colours who I am and everything I do in my physical life too. That refusal to show vulnerability runs deep - I've tried in the past to talk about more sensitive things with people I've trusted, but those relationships haven't lasted because they only see the outward tough-as-nails version of me. The rock they can always rely on. And I don't totally fault them for that.

But its also like, I'm still (mostly) human at the end of the day, and I require maintenance on that front too. I still want to have meaningful equal relationships where I can share things like my feelings and my worries and not have it thrown back in my face like I'm being two-faced. I'm not. What you're seeing is a carefully cultivated defense mechanism that has kept me safe from things you will never even see or recognize as a threat. I'm allowed to have a little vulnerability, as a treat, and its taken me my entire adult life to learn that.

[dreambook06]

Dream from: January 2017

kinda reiterating what i said last time, but one of the best feelings/sensations ever is when i wake up in the morning after a good night’s sleep, still in a sleepy haze, maybe i had a good dream (if i end up remembering it. oh yeah i just remembered last nights… it was our 2006 disneyland vacation but it wasn’t… it was so bizarre way too hard to explain. it had many aspects of other dreams i’ve had that i thought i’d forgotten until now. reoccurring characters and locations and stuff. basically i was recording with the camcorder through the rides but it was this whole other world nothing like real life and all the rides were just off and unreality and aaahh. then the target store and the toys there were kinda timeless and i was walking through there with this person who was in my other dreams. they are some kind of unreal version of babyblanket2001 from a dream at least a year ago. btw i was basically my 6-year-old self the whole time or i was no one really. there were so many more deep things than this! then i got these earth balance macaroni and cheese from the top shelf at target and then there was this huge building. btw the macaroni was character shaped like the penguins from madagascar 2 for some reason. and then ‘babyblanket2001’ and some other person were on the top of the building and i handed them the macaroni and said look at this then i went back down etc etc. then the other person ended up throwing a knife and it went through their shoulder what the heck! it is so different in the dream, how it went down, trust me. then etc etc.

i’m on a ride front seat guy says not to record, then the ride keeps going and it’s like a toboggan sled ride and we’re on the middle of nowhere in the snow or sidewalk or something and then mom cuts the cheese and i’m lik you know there are other people on this ride then she looks behind her and me and pilar roll off behind the sled this all these craks open in in the ground and apparently there are all these other characters who are detailed and deep who we’ve befriended along the way and one kid falls in and this is basically exactly like a previous dream i’ve had… etc. then they try to get him out and apparently now it’s set at a huge house where they’re set up stuff to try to get him out and SO MUCH AAAHH. and there are lots of people and they’re in allthe rooms having a sleepover and stuff and one guy’s like is anybody going to help me get them out! etc.etc. then it’s like paige’s house but it’s not idk it’s like a mix of houses i’ve seen on smugmug.com and there are all these fun unexplainable rooms and in every room there are people doing stuff and aaahhhh and then there’s a basement and it’s like mason’s old basement in real life…etc. whatever irrelevant aaahh so much stufff then one of the last things minus so much i left out because it’s too overwhelming, is dad gets mad about something to do with teeth like he’s sick of saving our teeth so he gets all angry and goes in his bedroom and takes the tooth case and throws the teeth all over the bed one by one. when he’s done i go in there and carefully try to collect them all and put them back and i clone them so i have a copy for myself if he throws them away next time. then he sees i photo i took on my camera of all the teeth in a pile and i don’t remember his reaction but i actually did take a picture of them in real life a few weeks ago. etc etc..

then i woke up, the last thought on my mind were the jc syd sleepover, remembering the layout of the house and jaycey’s bedroom, and here i am, ready to write about it now. just kidding i got demotivated again, this took too long to write (5 mins), and the magic of waking up grogginess has subsided), but there’s just this feeling i temporarily get, that very quickly comes and goes, for a few minutes at most, in the mornings, maybe i stand up or walk down the hall, maybe there’s idle noise in the background from outside, but something about this little haze makes me briefly forget , just barely, who i currently am and what year it is. for those tiny moments, it almost feels like it’s 2008 again. like it’s 2007 again. i feel as if i’m still in those better years for just a short while, and i remember very clearly what it was like to be alive and living in those moments. suddenly it’s as if 2011 and beyond has never taken place yet and here i am. 7-8-9- years old. it never has a pre-2007 feeling though. i don’t think i’ll be able to ever feel that again in real life. i REMEMBER how it felt, but i can never feel it truly again, i don’t think.

[pbandjesse]

I have had a migraine for hours and hours. It is finally starting to go away. But it was kind of a rough day because of this head ache. But I tried hard to not let it ruin my whole day.

I slept weird last night. I woke up in the middle of the night all confused and in pain. I let myself sleep an extra half hour. James was there and being sweet. They had to leave for work a little before I did. But I got myself together and headed to camp.

It wasn't a bad drive. And when I got there I went right to the art building. I would spend my first hour or so resetting the fibers boxes because Sarah will be leading a few different programs next week and I want it to be easy for her.

This would take me a while. But once I was done I would do some general cleaning. I can't wait until summer to clean the building for real. But it's very hard with all the tables and chairs stored in there.

I would set up for my bead program later in the day. And I made a small bead lizard to add to my bag. I checked outside and saw that everyone else was in now so I would pack up what I was doing and drove my car down there to park for the day.

It was a nice morning. I would spend a little time emailing and looking at some stuff. Joe would come ask if we could move some paint for him. And once I was done typing up my list of program things for Alexi, me, Joe, and Sarah took the gator to the lodge.

Sarah got rid of the recycling while I moved the paint, and Joe checked the aed. And after that I worked on putting away some of the art in the bedrooms down there. There wasn't time to hang them before the wedding this weekend so we wanted to make sure it was at least neat.

We all were supposed to go on a walk to discuss program areas at 1130. So I would eat some of my lunch before it was time. And it was a long walk. Almost 3 hours! But it felt productive.

I think one of my issues is that I don't know what is possible. Both in what can be changed to the landscape of camp, what we are budgeting monetarily, and physically what we have the manpower for. So this was eye-opening. Talking about taking down trees and leveling the ground. It was honestly really interesting. And for the first time in a bit it felt like we were making real, tangible progress on what we want to have done this summer and an idea of what we want for next year too.

Me and Sarah were getting pretty tired. I'm sure everyone else was too but me and her were commiserating about it. At least at the Adirondack and at the lodge we could sit down. But my attention was waning and I wanted to go eat before our late 4pm programing.

I would go and help feed the chickens during this walk around. And had trouble catching them to give them a hug. They are not being socialized enough and are super skittish. I hope Sarah and Chloe work on that, since this was their idea. They are very pretty chickens though and I enjoyed holding them.

A little after 230 we were free. And I went to eat but then I was texting James to check in about our flight on Sunday. I had been asking about the meal on the flight and how to request a vegetarian meal. And Paul didn't know. So I started looking into it and that is when I discovered they spelled my name incorrectly on my ticket! I freaked. I was franticly texting James, who was apparently in a meeting and away from their phone, for the next hour because they won't let me on the plane if my ticket and passport don't match. And I worked myself up so bad. I was so upset.

James would get back to me and called Paul and he said he will get it fixed. I hope it's as easy as he thinks it will be. I had to reset and calm down. My head was hurting so bad from stress and probably dehydration. But I had to pull it together.

I didn't feel like myself. I still don't really. But I tried to be pleasant event if I wasn't as loud of a personality.

The group today did an 8 mile hike and we're exhausted by the time it was time for our programs. So I had a much easier time getting some of them to come do art. And we were making bead lizards. And they did so good. Some tried to do the more intense and complicated things and I was so proud of them. I worked to make sure I could help when needed. And I gave away the lizard I made. it was fun. A good hour.

Even though my head hurt.

I was ready to go home. Getting them out of the building was tough but it was fine. I chatted with the chaperones a s we all got the table clean and then we were off.

I stopped at the office and said goodbye to everyone and went home.

The plan was to get James and we would go pick up their tux and we would get dinner and then we would go drop off our new key with Callie. A busy evening.

There was a lot of traffic. And when I got home there was no where to park. And I was stressed. I called James and they would just come out and take over and we would just leave right away.

My head hurt and it would only get worse. We started with the tux. And it was so good. I did not take a picture but James looked so handsome. The jacket was a little bigger on the shoulders then I'm used to seeing on my husband but they looked really good.

We left there and went to friendlies for dinner. Where we got sandwiches and fries and shared a fribble. That we discovered is a milkshake made with soft-serve. Sure. It was good and we had a lot of laughs. Even though my eyes were trying to pop out of my head.

It was decided James would take me home and they would run to drop off the key with Callie. This was the right call. I felt terrible.

Being home helped. I was feeling really nauseous and was afraid I was going to throw up. But I would take a cool shower and that helped a lot.

I sat on the floor in our room and drank water. And tried to perm my lashes. Very mixed results. My right eye went great. My left eye went terribly. But it is done and I think it still looks good.

Ja.ss got home and they would hang out downstairs and have the free ice cream they got from friendlys (they got rocking Poppin cotton candy with fruity pebbles on top. Which is objectively a hilarious name and combination for a 30 year old person). But once they were done they joined me upstairs.

Drinking water helped. And I am feeling a lot better now. Now I am just really tired.

Tomorrow should be a good day. And then tomorrow evening I'm taking a painted screen class at creative alliance and I'm really looking forward to that.

I hope I feel a lot better tomorrow. And I hope you all have a great night. Sleep well everyone. Take care of yourself.

[shxdowsofombra]

Coming Home

[Ellie]

Ellie walked through the door late and slid her bag to the floor. She pushed her hair out of her face as she took her heels off. She was wearing a different outfit then the one she left in because she had to model this one, but she figured Tommy wouldn’t have noticed. “Tommy? I’m home.”

[Tommy]

He had tried to stay up after making dinner for them both but ended up passing out on the couch while waiting for her. He was sound asleep when she walked through the door. 

[Ellie]

Ellie looked at the table and sighed softly as she realized he made dinner again. She moved over to him and shook him softly, “Tommy. You should move to the bed, the couch can’t be comfortable.” She said gently.

[Tommy]

Tommy was sound asleep and didn’t hear Ellie come inside. He was curled up rather comfortably and snoring slightly. It wasn’t any surprise he was a heavy sleeper. 

[Ellie]

Ellie sighed before standing up and laying a blanket on top of him. She walked into their bedroom and closed the door before getting undressed and getting in bed.

[Tommy]

Tommy woke up in the middle of the night and made his way back to the bedroom. He plopped into bed and curled up against the blankets before realizing someone was there. “El?”

[Ellie]

Ellie fell asleep and only woke up when she heard Tommy. She hummed softly before nodding. “Hi Tommy.” She said sleepily.

[Tommy]

He pulled her closer to him. “Hm, what time did you get back? I thought you were going to be home for dinner?”

[Ellie]

“Hm, maybe an hour ago. They needed me to model a couple of pieces. I wasn’t expecting to be out so long.”

[Tommy]

“Oh I made dinner earlier, I didn't wrap it up.” He sighed. “I will just do it in the morning.” Tommy mumbled. 

[Ellie]

“Okay, I‘ll try not to wake you up when I wake up in the morning.” She said softly as she cuddled against him. “I can’t remember if I put my alarm on.”

[Tommy]

“I have my alarm set for the morning so you don’t have to worry about it. I was going to go and stop by to see mom at some point. Apparently she went to the castle to be away from dad for a bit.” 

[Ellie]

“Hm, are they okay?” She asked sleepily. “It’s probably the pictures we got. I’m sure dad is taking care of it.” She told him before kissing him softly. “I’m sorry about dinner.”

[Tommy]

“I honestly don’t know. I think the pictures are probably what is bothering them. Knowing dad yeah he is and since we got pictures of Hope I am sure that Zach is seething.” He tells her before feeling her kiss him. “It’s okay. I should have made sure that you were coming home before I made it.”

[Ellie]

“I talked to her earlier and she was really upset, I hope Zach is with her.” She said before shaking her head, “It was nice to see you thought about me and it smelled so good.“

[Tommy]

“I am sure that Zach is with her. He usually always is. I haven’t seen him leave her side in a long while. Do you think that he has imprinted on her yet? Maybe that’s why he isn’t leaving her side lately.” He offers up. “I always think about you. I have been teaching myself how to cook while at home so the meals will just get better and better.” 

[Ellie]

“She would have told us, wouldn’t she? Imprinting is a big deal in this family.” She replied as she looked up at him. “Hm, well I should try and come home early then so I can try it.”

[Tommy]

“I don’t know she does have a lot on her plate so maybe it slipped her mind to tell us? Yeah that would be nice if you were able to come home early but I know that your boss can be rather rough sometimes and I don’t want you to get into trouble if you do want to leave early.” 

[Ellie]

“I really am sorry. I have been trying to come home sooner and be here for you. Being an assistant is really hard, but I do miss you and wish we had more time together. When I come home, you are usually asleep.”

[Tommy]

“I know that you are trying. I have heard horror stories about having to be someone’s assistant. Have you ever thought about trying to find something else? Maybe something that has less hours but pays more? I mean we do have our diplomas and stuff.” 

[Ellie]

“But…I like my job. And if I keep working hard, I can move up. I thought…when I told you about the job at first, you didn’t seem to mind? Did you want me to quit?”

[Tommy]

“Yeah but I mean it was fine at first because I still got to see you on the weekends and just you know in general but now it’s like I never see you at all. What position is higher than an assistant? Does that come with even more hours?” 

[Ellie]

“No, I mean I won’t be an assistant anymore. Maybe I can be one of the associates or help with the photoshoots. I mean…maybe. But I am sure the hours will be more scheduled and you do see me on the weekends.”

[Tommy]

“Oh, yeah that makes more sense. Yeah but if they need you on the weekends they will call you in and then I won’t see you.” He tells her. “It would be nice to wake up with you too.” He shrugged. “I am sure it will just take some time to adjust to things for me. I’m just overthinking it all.” 

[Ellie]

“I…I can quit? I don’t mind. If that’s…if it would be better for us.” She suggested as she looked at him.

[Tommy]

“What? No, no, that’s not what I mean. If it makes you happy then you should continue to do that. I can look into picking up some more hobbies or something to pass that time. Maybe I should look for a job of my own too.” 

[Ellie]

“Well you make me happy.” She said as she sat up. “If you aren’t happy…we can change things. I can talk to my boss tomorrow and we can figure something out.”

[Tommy]

“And you make me happy. I don’t want them to be harder on you or give you an ultimatum either. I can be patient until I figure out what we can do. Maybe I just need to find something to keep me busy while you are at work.” 

[Ellie]

“I don’t know. Maybe I should just ask. I will just ask.” She decided. “Yeah, I will ask tomorrow and if they don’t like it…I’ll quit.” 

[Tommy]

“What? No, I don’t want you to have to quit. I don’t want you to do something you might regret. How about we give it until the end of the week? If I still feel the same then I can talk to you about it okay?” 

[Ellie]

Ellie looked at him, “Will you even tell me? Or will you pretend to be okay?” She asked. “If we wait until the end of the week, will you be honest with me?”

[Tommy]

“I will be honest with you. I was honest with you about it now wasn’t I? I just wanted to let you know what was on my mind and how I was feeling. Sort of like a check in if that makes sense.” 

[Ellie]

“In the middle of the night Tommy. You waited until the middle of the night.” She sighed. “Fine…okay. We will just wait, I guess.” She said before laying back down and turning away from him.

[Tommy]

“Yeah since this was the first time I have seen you today. I wasn’t going to bother you at work about it.” He tells her before cuddling up against her. “I haven’t seen you all day and you don’t want to cuddle?” 

[Ellie]

Ellie felt Tommy cuddling against her and sighed softly, “You were up late Tommy, you should get some sleep. I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

[Tommy]

“I am getting some sleep. I fall asleep faster when we cuddle.” He says. 

[Ellie]

Ellie didn’t say anything as she just cuddled against him. “Goodnight Tommy, please don’t forget to wake me up in the morning.”

[Tommy]

“Goodnight El. I will wake you up, don't worry.” He reassures her before kissing her cheek and then drifting to sleep.

[one-time-i-dreamt]

Admin's dream

I myself rarely dream, but last night I had an interesting dream that I remember fairly well, so I thought I should share.

I traveled to another town for a university meeting and I was being hosted by a girl who lived there and went to a similar school to mine. We became fast friends and spent a few days exploring the city with some of her friends, who helped to show me around.

Soon, they revealed to me that they were members of an organization fighting against some shady people living there. They had a mission and took me with them, even though I wasn't fully briefed about what was going on.

It turned out that we were taking infant twins to their grandfather. With the help of my friend who also lived in that town, we got the grandfather's location. We left the twins on his door and went to spend the evening at my friend's flat.

Some of my other friends from Zagreb arrived and they took me out, and we went to a late night book signing and I got a present from a columnist I loved as a teenager. My friends went clubbing, but I kept thinking about the twins.

I went back to the place we left them, and found them to still be there, out in the cold, despite their grandfather allegedly being informed that they were out. I took off my hoodie and covered them in it and rang the door, risking revealing myself, who was already unrelated to the mentioned organization, to the "other side". For some reason, all of this should've been done in secrecy, but I didn't care anymore, because I was worried for the children.

I knew the other side was dangerous, but I thought the kids were much more important than me, as they were innocent. A handsome man arrived at the place where the twins were (which was in front of somebody's front door) and I tried to stop him to get him to take them, but he didn't even notice them.

He bared his fangs at me and I realized that he was a vampire. The street where we were at was so busy and I couldn't understand why nobody noticed the kids nor tried to help them before me, as they were crying before I came.

The man entered the house and I was left there, in the middle of the night, holding the basket with the kids, feeling extremely cold. I decided to take the kids to the police station, which was just down the street.

After I was sure they were safe, I went back to my friend's flat and found the door unlocked. I changed into something warm and went back out, because nobody was answering me and I got worried. I found my friend dead drunk and carried her home on my back.

A neighbor of hers, who was also her coworker, came out to help me. She arranged a place for me to sleep, and I went to bed and woke up early and went to meet my host. I didn't tell her what I did. I realized that none of the people from the organization went to check on the babies and they would likely have died if I didn't save them.

We went to an old aqueduct, sat on an old wall and talked. They explained to me that they were fighting against an organization of vampires and that the grandfather of the babies was also a vampire, but they were on cordial terms with him. They had some sort of a pact to eliminate his son's faction.

We went out again at night and I saw the handsome man again. Our eyes met and he smiled sinisterly, but I knew he didn't recognize me from the day before. Him and his crew were at a club, and my friend tagged along with them. I realized she intentionally gave us the wrong location so we'd give his kids back to him, but didn't bother checking on the babies herself and would've allowed them to pass away because she only cared about the father.

I had a bad feeling. Through one way or another, the father and I met and struck up an unexpected friendship. He kept teasing me like a friend would and I realized that he thought my friend brought back his babies to him.

As we became friends, he revealed to me a shocking truth - his ex was a member of my host's organization and he really loved her but she used him for information and then left him and broke his heart and didn't even tell him she was pregnant. She died on another mission and nobody wanted to take care of her babies, so the organization wanted to give them to their grandfather.

I felt sad for the handsome vampire boss because it was clear he would've forgiven his dead lover anything, if only she said she was sorry and came back to him, but she would've never done that because she didn't care for him nor did she love him.

It felt like he started falling in love with my friend. He was extremely grateful to her for saving his children and brought presents to her all the time and treated her nicely. I sometimes tagged along when they were going out with his crew and I started feeling wrong about the way she was using him. It felt like past was repeating itself, but at least I knew this friend wanted him, even if she was lying to him.

I got ready to go out with them again and I realized I was a bit jealous. That was a weird realization to me, because up until that moment, I didn't think I was falling for the boss, but now it became apparent that I was and that I was angry at my friend for lying to him and wanting him for all the wrong reasons.

The night was windy like the first night I saw him, the cold night when I saved the twins, and I was shivering. He put his coat around me and was closer to me physically than ever before. He took a whiff of me and said he knew my perfume.

I realized it was the same perfume I was wearing on that first night. He realized that I was the one who saved his kids, but didn't say anything. His people finished getting all the surveillance images and background info on all the players involved, including me.

He found out I was an unrelated stranger who decided to help his kids when everyone else abandoned them. He started seeing me in a different light, and my friend realized that. She confronted me and told me that I shouldn't be getting involved with the supernatural and things I knew nothing about and that I should just go home while I still can.

I felt sad, but knew she was right. This wasn't my home, wasn't my place to be. I packed up my things and got ready to go back. I talked to her kind coworker and she told me that I shouldn't be listening to anyone who didn't have my best interest in mind. I also knew she was right and that my friend wasn't really my friend, she didn't really care for me. She just used me. She was the one who set me up with that host, so she could orchestrate everything through them.

I boarded a bus and waited for it to take me home, when it was stopped by a convoy of armed men. I didn't know what was going on. A man entered the bus carrying two babies. It was the man, my vampire man. He told me I was going back with him, and I got up and nodded my head. Everyone else was flabbergasted, but the vampires erased their memories.

I went back to the vampire boss' place and finally learned his real name. He told me his whole story and I realized that he was a good person underneath it all. I started to question my host's organization. The vampires weren't the bad ones in all of this, I was sure.

And I was sure that I loved this man and that he has cared for me from the first time that we met, though he felt he should be grateful to my "friend" for saving his children, and was giving her attention out of that and nothing else, but was inviting me everywhere as well because he was drawn to me as much as I was drawn to him.

I started living with him and we started getting to know one another. The children loved me and took to me right away and I adored them and adored their father as well. We grew closer by the day.

He went on a mission and didn't come back from it and his men told me he was lost in action. I was crushed and started crying and breaking things and shaking in anger, I blamed everybody including myself and was mad at them for leaving him. They went on a recovery mission and could not find any trace of him.

I waited for days and kept hoping for good news. I was sure he was still alive and that I would feel if something had happened to him. Suddenly, he had appeared. He was alive and well. He was hiding until then because he was setting a trap.

I threw myself into his embrace and started yelling at him. I told him he wasn't allowed to do that ever again because his kids loved him and I loved him and we couldn't live without him. He was so happy to hear that, because it was the first time anyone ever told him they loved him and meant it. He told me he loved me as well.

I was so happy.

I knew it was real, our love was real.

Then I woke up.

[midnight-dreamerness]

It’s Always Been You

(This is NOT my gif. Credit to the creator <3)

summary: Jay stopped speaking to you unexpectedly and then you see each other at Molly’s.

pairing: Jay Halstead x Reader

warning: Curse Words??

word count: 2.4k

A/N: theres a slight mention of the reader being plus size…

You never thought you’d be replaced. But in came Erin Lindsay and suddenly she was all he talked about. And eventually he didn’t call anymore. He didn’t pull up in your driveway with pizza and a pack of beer out of the blue anymore. There were no Saturday movie nights or Monday monopoly despite you both knowing he always won.

You were lonely. After meeting Jay in high school, it was the two of you against the world. And when he left for the rangers, you were lost. But he came back to you. And you were the happiest you’ve ever been. But this time was different. You were losing him, falling right between your fingers right In front of your eyes and there was nothing you could do was watch from afar as he loved someone else and ached to be that someone.

Erin was a good person with a good heart. She was good for him. But you couldn’t help but hate that you couldn’t give him everything she could. Whatever that was you didn’t know. Maybe it was because you were bigger. Maybe it was because you were different. Whatever it was, you didn’t want to know. It would only break you in the end.

You tried to go out but it seemed the ghost of him followed you wherever you went.

You glanced at him for a moment, noting the stubble covering his jaw and remember how much you ran your hands over it giggling when he spun you around in the middle of his apartment.

You both were closer than normal best friends. You slept in the same bed and cuddled countless times. But every time you woke you he was gone.

Your friend snapped her fingers in front of your face with a laugh.

“You’re staring,” she commented, sniggering. You grimaced, biting at your lip and removing your intense gaze from the man across the room.

He was with a group of people but his arms were laying across the chair of the girl you wanted to hate but couldn’t.

“I hate nice people,” you grumbled, only making your friend laugh more. You ended up grinning, her laugh being contagious.

“Hello, ladies.” You now noticed the blonde who had walked up to your table, recognizing him from Jay's group from across the room.

“Hello, handsome,” you flirted, resting your chin on the palm of your hand, fluttering your eyes at him. He chuckled and ran a hand through his hair.

“I’m Adam. I couldn’t help but notice you from across the room. Can I buy you a drink, both of you?”

“You can buy her a drink. I’m going to talk to the guy who's been eyeing me since I walked in. Good luck!” Your friend exclaimed and started to walk away but turned around and added, “Oh! She likes the fruity stuff. Berry Lemonade Margarita is her favorite. Thank me later.” She gave the blonde, Adam, a wink before finally walking away. You place your hands in your hands, a blush settling over you cheeks.

“Berry Lemonade Margarita it is.” Adam said walking to the bar. You sat there and chuckled, shaking your head. You could feel eyes on you, so you looked up and met his eyes. His hand had fallen from behind Erins chair, a sad smile on his face. You looked away letting out a sigh. Adam was back in a matter of minutes, sliding your drink in front of you and settling in the seat in front of you, a glass of what looks like Whiskey in his hands.

“Thank you,” you muttered, giving him a small shy smile.

“You don’t talk much do you?”

“When I open my mouth I usually embarrass myself.” He only laughs, shaking his head.

You ended up talking for a good twenty minutes about anything and everything. He was easy to talk to but you couldn’t help but ache for another man who would glance at the two of you from across the room ever so often. He hated it. He hated watching Adam making you laugh. It was really his own fault. He has no right to be angry or jealous. But he was. All he wanted to do was march right over there and rip him from that seat. Instead, though, he watched from afar, detaching himself from the conversation his friends were having. You brightened up the room as soon as you entered, his eyes on you as soon as you stepped foot into Molly’s.

“You know Jay?” Adam asked, leaning back against the booth. You nodded, swirling the straw in your half empty drink.

“We were best friends. Things happen, though. People change.”

“Well you're glancing at him every couple of minutes so apparently something happened there.”

“Oh fuck, Adam. I’m sorry,” your shoulder slump as you feel the guilt build inside you. He simply laughs and shakes his head.

“No need to apologize. Does he know?”

You wanted to ask him what he meant but you knew. So you shook your head, “No.”

He purses his lip. “Have you thought about telling him?”

“Only a thousand times. Erin is good for him, though.”

“If Jay wanted to be with Erin he would’ve made it official. So clearly something is holding him back.”

You hated how your chest filled with hope that maybe he held back because of you. But he left you. Stopped calling. Stopped texting. Stopped everything.

“C’mon,” Adam said standing up, glass in one hand and the other held out for you to take. You gave him a curious look but took his hand anyway and grabbed your drink before he could pull you away. When you noticed the direction you both we’re headed you tried to stop but it was no use. The two of you had gained the attention of the entire group.

“Hey, this is my girl, (Y/N). This is Kevin, Kim, Erin, and Jay.” Adam said, pointing them all out with their name. You gave them all a shy smile and a wave. Anxiety filled you and you suddenly felt sick to your stomach.

“Oh no, has he talked your ear off yet?” Asked Kevin who only made the rest of them laugh, aside from Jay, who only glaring at him. He hated the way the words “his girl” fell from Adam's lips.

Your shoulders dropped as the anxiety left and you let out a small laugh.

“He’s getting there.”

You didn’t even have it in you to look into his eyes. You tightened your grip on Adam's hand, who simply nudged you towards the empty spot next to an African American man, who you now know as Kevin. Adam sat next to you, sending you a wink before throwing his arm over your chair.

“Truthfully. She loves me,” Adam says shrugging. You take a sip of your drink, eyes widen, a laugh nearly falling from your lips.

“I’m just waiting on my chance to run,” you suddenly spoke. There was a slight pause before laughs were heard around the table and a whine came from Adam.

“Babe, that is so mean,” Adam moaned, holding his hand over his heart as if you broke it.

You simply giggled and slapped his chest lightly.

A conversation started and you added in a couple of times but mainly you were putting your focus on avoiding his gaze or trying not to cry at the sight of his hand resting on Erins shoulder.

As a certain song came on, you were suddenly pulled into memories of only a couple months ago.

It was the night he made you dance with him. You remember giggling and letting him spin you until you were dizzy and ready to pass out. You remember how his hands fell on your hips to try and steady you before you fell. He was laughing the entire time until his face came close to yours. And he almost kissed you. He was so close and you prayed that he would. But he didn’t.

The memory only causes your heart to ache and knowing that the man you loved was sitting right in front of you with another girl on his arm made it ten times worse.

You wanted to scream and to cry but you trapped it inside, bottling it up until you could let it out once you got home.

The sound of your slurping pulled you from your thoughts. You were out of adult juice. With no intention of going home, you were going to need another drink to get you through the night.

“I'm going to get a drink. I’ll be back,” you told Adam before hopping out of your seat. He gave you a nod.

“Yeah, me too. Anyone want anything?”

You pushed through the groups of people trying to get away but there was no use, Jay caught your arm and pulled you away before anyone at the table noticed. You were in a hallway suddenly and before you could say anything Jay was in front of you.

“Adam? Really?”

“What? What’s wrong with Adam? And why do you care?” You are getting upset now. Jay had no right to question you on who you were seeing. Not anymore.

“He’s not really your type.” You snorted at his reply. What were you supposed to say to that? You didn’t understand why he cared when he had left you and all of a sudden he wants to look out for you.

“Jay, you have no idea what my type is anymore. People change. Maybe I like blondes now.”

“Yeah well I remember only a couple months ago you much preferred brown haired, blue eyed men.”

“What are you implying?” You asked, stepping closer to him, your eyes set in a glare. He folded his arms over his chest, his muscles catching your eyes for a split second. Your thighs clenched before you copied his stance, your nails digging into your arms.

“You know exactly what I’m implying, princess.”

The nickname made you weak at the knees and so did that fucking smirk on his face. But you stood your ground, slipping your hair over your shoulder and attempting to walk around him. He caught your wrist, pulling you into his chest. You took in a breath at how close you both were. It had been so long since you touched him and every part of you wanted to melt into his arms.

“You left me, remember. Replaced me. No calls, no text, no goodbye. And no excuse. You have no right to try and tell me who I can or cannot be with.” As you spoke you snatched your wrist from his grip and pulled away, walking right out the side doors. You walked up to Adam, the excuse falling from your lips easily.

“I’m not feeling too well, I’m gonna head home, Call me. It was nice meeting you guys.”

And you were out the door before they could say anything. Your phone was blowing up as soon as you sped off down the road but you didn’t once pick it up knowing who it was.

It was your turn to ignore him now. You blocked his number later that night and cried yourself to sleep, trying your hardest to let go of that stupid schoolgirl crush you had for him and grow the hell up. You only wished it was as easy as saying it. But your mind betrayed you and you thought about him for the next two days. And then he showed up.

When you heard the knock you assumed it was the package you had been waiting on for three days now but when you took a peek through the peephole, you closed your eyes and sat your back against the door.

“Please open the door,” he begged, resting his head against the door. You let out a sigh and pushed yourself from the door, turning and swinging it open. He stood there with a pizza box in his hand and a pack of beer resting on top. You couldn’t help but smile as you noticed the flowers hiding behind his back. He pulled them out, a grin overtaking the sadness on his face. The look of excitement cured the nervousness that had settled in his stomach.

“Can I take the pizza, beer, and flowers and leave you on the doorstep?” You joked about taking a hold of the flowers, bringing them to your nose to smell them. You closed your eyes as your favorite flower's scent invaded your nose.

Jay let out a laugh. “No, princess. It’s a package deal.”

You let out a chuckle and opened the door wider for him. Jay walked inside, instantly making his way to the living room where he sat the pizza and beer on the table. Instead of following him you entered the kitchen and placed the flowers in a vase and filled it halfway with water. You placed them on the counter, cocking your head to the side as you arranged them perfectly in the vase. Jay watched from the entrance, leaning against the frame with a smile on his lips.

“I’m sorry. And I know it isn’t much, but I hope this is a good start to getting you back.”

His voice causes shivers to roll over your spine. You purses your lips, taking in a breath.

“I don’t want to play anymore, Jay. I want a relationship and if you can’t give me that then please just say so.”

He walked forwards, cupping your face in his hands.

“I didn’t know what I wanted back. But I do know now. And it’s you. It's always been you.”

With a sigh of relief you captured his lips, your hand running up his chest before clasping around his waist. You wished you had done it before, that you both hadn’t played around the thought of a relationship and just did it. But you had him now and that’s all that mattered.

His kiss made you fuzzy and you Found yourself leaning against him for support. His tongue swiped across your bottom lip and you parted your lips eagerly. You moaned at the taste of him and moved your hands to then settle on his chest. You have never been kissed like this before. And you loved every part of it.

You pulled back, taking in a much needed breath as he leaned his forehead against yours attempting to catch his own breath.

“So, you want me to beat your ass in monopoly or what?”

[miss-smutty]

Forbidden

Chapter 3

A/N- Evey couple of chapters you will get Professor Hemsworth's POV and this is the first one 🥵 I really wanted to write his story and hear his thoughts too.

Summary- He can't get her out of his mind, the girl in the coffee shop. Will fate bring them together again?

Word count- 2.9K

Pairing- Prof!Hems X Reader

Warnings- Age gap (OC is 20) student/professor relationship, swearing, dirty talk

18+ Only!

Disclaimer: This is an entire work of fiction/AU and has no affiliation to real life what so ever! This is a fictional story about fictional characters who happen to share names and faces with some real people.

Posted: 5th Sept 2021

Taglist:- @innerpaperexpertcloud @pandaxnienke @chickensarentcheap @jjpogueprincess @longlostinanotherworld @mostly-marvel-musings @darklydeliciousdesires @monet-belle @help2700 @presidentpotts

Chapter 1 Chapter 2

Chris Pov

My Apartment was silent as usual, empty like always when I arrived home from work, throwing my coat and bag on to the sofa and slumping down next to them.

I couldn't stand the silence, it taunted me and brought back memories I'd rather not remember. I'd thought about getting a roommate but still hadn't gotten around to posting out an ad, the idea made me nervous. Although I hated being alone, living with a stranger would be even worse. I turned on the TV to fill the expanse of the large empty room that I'd work so hard for but ultimately meant absolutely nothing to me.

My mind began to wander back to this morning and the chance meeting with the most beautiful woman I'd ever laid eyes on. She'd taken my breath away and made me so nervous that I'd used some cheesy chat up line. I'd known at the time it would come back to haunt me tonight, no wonder she ran out of there as soon as she could. Thats why I hesitated, my hand brushed against the small of her back when I was about to ask her for her number and it took away my sensibility. I leaned in like I was about to kiss her, thank god I stopped myself though, how ridiculous would that have been?

I'd spoke to her for no more than ten minutes but somehow felt like I'd known her all my life. Asking for her number wouldn't have been the most unusual thing but she was in such a rush and I didn't want to make her late. There's absolutely nothing more I hate than tardiness.

I still couldn't get her off of my mind, she was beautiful, long dark hair that flowed down her back and the most piercing green eyes I'd ever seen. I couldn't stop looking into them, framed by dark eyelashes that made the emerald green pop even more. It's been a long time since I'd met a woman that made me feel as nervous as she did. The only thing is, she was young, much younger than me and I'd be fooling myself to think I'd actually stand a chance with her. Even if by some miracle I did, she deserved more than what I could give her, I was a mess, even after all this time I was still living in the past.

**********

I woke up feeling like a teenage boy again, a tent of my erection in the cotton sheets sprawled across my middle. I'd dreamt about the girl all night and honestly nothing about it was innocent. I rubbed at my eyes and stretched my muscles before finally getting out of bed, I had my first Junior Comms class to teach today and of course, I couldn't be late.

To say I was dreading today would be an understatement, I'd made a deal with the Dean to teach the Comms class because none of the other professors were willing and I was desperate for a job. I was hoping that if I exceeded expectations during my first semester I would finally get to teach psychology like I'd planned in the first place. Of course that meant being on my best behaviour and a lot of arse kissing, which I would do, albeit reluctantly.

The air was crisp this morning as I set off walking towards the university, luckily for me I didn't live to far away from the campus and the walk would help distract my thoughts because God knows they needed distracting. They always did.

Before I knew it, I'd arrived at the halls, looking up at the architecture of the building and realising my idea to walk obviously hadn't worked. I'd barely paid attention the entire time and it was only muscle memory that had gotten me to my required destination.

I held onto the door handle of the lecture hall and took a deep breath before stepping in, the room erupting into wolf whistles was not what I expected but admittedly better than what I was thinking. I scanned the room and my students, rolling my eyes at the girls lining the front row, their eager faces taking me in. 

The class was full of typical students, the usual cliques you see at every educational institution. The jocks and cheerleaders, the nerds and oh fuck. The air was almost knocked from my lungs when I spotted her sat at the back of class. The girl I'd been talking to in the coffee shop yesterday, the girl that had been on my mind and in my dreams ever since. She was here, right in front of me which meant she was my student and younger than I'd actually thought. Fuck.

Even though she was now out of bounds I couldn't take my goddamn eyes off of her, the way her wavy hair cascaded over her shoulders. I could feel my cock tingling when my eyes fell to her low cut top and that unreal cleavage. I pulled my eyes away from her so as not to draw attention and focused on preparing for the lesson, leaving the students to whisper for a while longer while I recovered my composure.

Like a magnet, my eyes unwillingly kept finding their way back to her and she looked uncomfortable, squirming in her seat. I was making her uncomfortable and I still couldn't stop myself, I frowned as I subtly watched her cheeks blush and realised she's probably embarrassed because she'd been flirting with her Professor. Of course she'd be embarrassed, I was so much older than her but was it wrong that I didn't feel one ounce of awkwardness at the fact I had been flirting with a student?

All I could think about as I watched her tits bounce as she moved In her seat, was burying my face in her cleavage and I knew I had to look away before my dick reacted. The last thing I needed in a class full of students was to be walking around with a fucking erection.

I could stand there and watch her all day but certain students had stopped talking and they were waiting for me to speak and I'd almost forgotten why I was here In the first place. I really needed to get my head in the game, being infatuated with a student would definitely not get me the promotion I was looking for.

I pushed my hands in my tight pockets, hoping to stretch the fabric a little so my semi-hard dick wasn't so apparent, then my eyes were drawn to her again and she was talking to Jake. That pissed me off and I could feel my jaw tensing as I cleared my throat rather forcibly, hoping to get the attention of the whole class at the same time as distracting her from the rather friendly conversation she was having with another guy. A guy her age at that.

"Now I've got your attention, we're going to use our first session to get to know each other a little better. You'll be doing quite a lot of speeches so it's best if you feel comfortable with one another. I'll start by introducing myself." I looked at her again, gulping hard when I saw her with the end of her pen in her mouth and the way her lips wrapped around it. Fuck. "So, I'm Professor Hemsworth and I'm originally from Melbourne in Australia." I looked to her and she smiled, remembering what we spoke about yesterday.

A student started with the typical Australian stereotypes although I'm actually surprised no one told me to throw another shrimp on the Barbie. I laughed along anyway, I'd been expecting it, it's literally the first thing anyone who isn't Australian says when they first meet me. So when I told him it wasn't very original I meant it, I'd heard it a thousand times before and I'll hear it a thousand times again.

I told the class a little about myself before informing them they would do the same, it didn't go down well, the room filled with groans. I looked to her and she looked downright terrified, I sympathized for her, it wasn't easy speaking in front of a room full of people but was the best way to break the ice.

"Claire Abbott." I called, watching the blonde at the front stand, nervously. She giggled and twirled her hair around her finger as she smiled at me, I knew what she was doing. I quickly glanced at the girl from the coffee shop as she rolled her eyes at the blonde at the front, I smirked back at her, amused at her tolerance for predictable girls.

"I erm… I don't know what to say?" The blonde said, looking at me questioningly.

"Just anything about yourself that we might find interesting, the first thing that comes to mind."

"Well I own four horses and I'm the cheer captain." I had to stop myself from laughing when she rolled her eyes again but the smile soon disappeared when I saw Jake lean over to speak to her and the way she laughed at him made my blood boil. I was seething, not because they were speaking instead of listening but because she was speaking to him instead of me.

"You two at the back, we'll wait for you shall we?" I called them out, my voice more stern than I expected. I was pissed off that Jake would easily be able to get to know her and I couldn't. She stared at me, her eyes wide, she was surprised I'd called them out in front of everyone which made me even more pissed off because that probably blew my chances even more. What the hell am I thinking? What chances, I need to remember I'm her fucking Professor.

She sat silently through the rest of the class, I still couldn't keep my eyes off of her and thankfully neither could she. She looked flustered and I liked it, I liked that I could make her feel that way without even touching her. She was so goddamn hot I could hardly concentrate on what the other students were saying.

When I glanced down at the sheet of names in front of me and saw Jake's name my jaw clenched.

"Jake Hudson." I couldn't help narrowing my eyes as he stood up, I just knew he'd say something cocky and I was so fucking jealous of him right now. I closed my eyes for a second and took a deep breath, I needed to keep my cool, especially in a room full of students and her. If she knew what I was really like she wouldn't look at me the way she did.

"Hi, I'm Jake." I bit onto the inside of my gum, that bit of pain keeping me grounded. "I'm also from Australia." He gave me that fucking cocky half arsed smile I'd been waiting for and the adrenaline shot through me. I was thankful no one noticed apart from maybe the one person in here I didn't want to notice. She was watching me carefully. I had to loosen my tie a little as he continued to speak, I was burning up with rage.

I'm glad class was almost over, I needed a stiff drink and I needed it now. I looked at my sheet of names again and there were only a couple left, I wondered which one was hers. I needed to know her name. Fuck. I needed to know everything about her.

"Jessica Watson." She stood up. Fuck, Jessica, it was a cute name and fit her perfectly. I was mesmerized with her and the way she spoke as she tucked her long hair behind her ears. "These last couple of days have been pretty eventful for me." She looked right at me, what was she going to say? "I'm living the life of a romance novels heroine and I'm excited to see what the next couple of days bring." Oh fuck. Was she talking about meeting me? Or Jake? I like to think by the way she studied me as she spoke, she was talking about me. This was wrong, so wrong but why did it feel so right? I forgot there was anybody else in the room, my cock twinging as I pictured myself fucking her on this desk. I needed to stop thinking like this, it's unprofessional and completely immoral. I shook my head and turned back to the class.

"I hope we all feel a bit more comfortable with each other now, some of you shared some pretty revealing things." I looked at Jessica. "Some of you, not so much." Then raised my eyebrows at a group of guys in the middle of class that had used thier time to inform everyone about the party at their frat house this weekend. "I'll have a schedule for you all next time I see you, anybody that has any questions can see me after class, everyone else is free to leave." I looked at her one last time, hoping she'd use this opportunity to come and speak to me.

I sighed when I sat back at my desk and a group of girls took their opportunity, I wasn't in the mood for it but answered their questions anyway. I didn't take my eyes from Jessica, especially when Jake started speaking to her again. The girls in front of me were taking up my time, trying to flirt with me instead of asking relevant questions and I was over it.

"Do you actually have any questions about the course ladies? I have other things to be getting on with if not." I was a little short with them without actually meaning to be. I just wanted them out of my goddamn way so I could see what was going on with Jessica and Jake.

The girls finally left, more like stormed off but I couldn't care less right now. She was still sat at her desk which means she waited until I was alone which has got to be a good sign. We stared at each other for what felt like an eternity, the silence driving me insane so I cleared my throat and she blinked like I'd woken her from a daydream. What was she thinking about?

She packed up her things into her bag slowly, I could tell she was buying herself time but I felt relaxed now we were alone, in fact I felt excited which was completely ridiculous. I felt like a damn teenager.

"Did you need to talk Miss Watson?" I was amused and I needed to break the ice before the silence got the better of me. I leaned back in my chair and folded my arms across my chest.

"I erm…" She walked towards me, down the stairs, looking at her feet. She was unsteady and looked nervous as hell, was she going to tell me to back off? "I wanted to apologise, I had no idea you were a Professor." She stood at the bottom of the stairs, I was glad she wasn't too close. I don't know if I'd be able to control myself around her and lord knows I had to. The atmosphere was tense, neither of us really knowing what to say or do, all I could think about was ripping off her clothes.

"There's no need to apologise Miss Watson, I also had no idea you were a student but I was hoping to bump into you again. Funny how things work out isn't it?" I cocked my eyebrow at her, testing her, seeing how she would react to my comment. Something changed and she didn't look quite so nervous anymore.

"I think fate can be rather cruel Professor Hemsworth." The way she called me Professor stirred something deep inside me, a hunger I didn't know I had and when she moved closer to me I began to feel nervous.

"Oh really? Why is that Miss Watson?" She was so close now, I could smell her sweet scent of coconut shampoo. I wanted to touch her badly, I didn't though. I didn't dare because I knew if I did I wouldn't be able to stop myself and I must restrain, she's my student after all. It's wrong. It's forbidden.

I still couldn't stop myself from flirting, like an uncontrollable impulse and as soon as I opened my mouth to try and be professional I would just go right ahead and flirt. She was so outrageously attractive but the kind of attractive where she didn't know it and didn't flaunt it, which I found even more endearing.

"I was hoping to bump into you again too, only now the thought of what could've happened will have to remain a fantasy." My restraint was really being tested now, she was teasing me, egging me on and the fact she'd also been fantasising about me made it extra difficult to resist. I had to loosen my tie again, I needed my fingers to be busy so I didn't touch her. I had an internal conflict going on inside my mind and it was like torture, if this was day one of class how the hell was I meant to survive the whole semester?

"I better get to my next class, we can't have anyone thinking I'm your favourite now can we?" Fuck sake. I ground my teeth together, I was glad she was leaving, I couldn't take the tension any longer but at the same time I knew, with distance the desire would only intensify. She turned to leave and I couldn't stop myself watching her hips sway as she walked, her ass was so round and bouncy, it hypnotised me and that's when I knew I was in deep trouble.