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Blech. This blog is old and outdated and I feel weird even posting on it, even after changing the name to my new name. But I have a thing to talk about that relates specifically to my spirituality, and that's what this is for. So.

Been thinking about vulnerability today, in the sense that, I don't really feel comfortable displaying any, and the reasons for why that is. Here we go:

So, when I was in my early to mid-teens I think, like 13-15, I started having dreams that featured repeat characters, and they felt more real and more memorable than most of my other dreams. There was this guy with black hair, a pale face (almost paper white) and dark eyes. And he kept showing up in accordance to whatever the story of the dream was as either an antagonist specifically after me or as someone who basically already had me on a leash. He may've had a boss too, but I don't remember if they ever showed up in those dreams or if that was info that came later.

The theme of it was, he wanted to control me for my powers. He had some knowledge of powers that I didn't even know I had, and wanted to use them or use me for access to them. So I was hunted, I was targeted, and in some cases, I was already in chains.

I reached out to a friend of mine from an old spiritual community that did ouija boards and astral projection, and he was able to meet this guy while projecting and ask him what it was he wanted from me. I got a name and the information that he was maybe from the future?? The astral plane gives very few fucks about linear time, let me tell you.

At some point during this, after having had more than a couple dreams following this theme with this same person after me, I consciously decided I didn't want to be a victim anymore. If I was so powerful that he thought he had to subdue me to control me, why don't I just use my power for myself?

That decision changed the tone of all of my dreams afterwards, and it also changed the trajectory for literally my entire personality.

Because the thing about being strong spiritually, is that you can't ever really stop being strong. No days off. I have had some wild shit happen to me. Some examples:

On the advice of a different friend whose mother was into voodoo and some other spiritual practices (her beliefs were kind of a grab bag of everything she identified with from many different practices, which I thought was kind of cool), I carved a symbol I saw in one of my dreams into a thin piece of wood for protection and set it near my bed, and a few nights later I touched it before going to sleep and pain shot up my arm. I hadn't pulled my back or anything and I wasn't otherwise injured and aggravated that. There was no mistaking it for anything else. My friend went pale when I told him what happened and suggested I was dealing with a legit demon. From a guy who didn't really believe in demons to begin with. I wound up burning the board in a bonfire.

Another time, I had these metal dragon necklaces (my dragon chains), and hung one from a post on my bed. I touched it one night and it felt weird - I don't think it was pain shooting up my arm weird, but it was a weird vibe for sure. I took that to another friend who was Wiccan at school for her to check out, and she returned it to me the next morning looking haunted. Apparently she heard cupboard doors opening and slamming half the night? And it infected her house with bad energy. I don't remember what I did with the chain in the end but I stopped relying on physical objects for protection after that. When she gave it back to me she did it with her sleeve around her hand or something, like she didn't even want to touch it.

One last time, I deliberately fucked with the Feng Shui of my room (barely having a grasp of Feng Shui at the time - I took it to mean just moving furniture around) to throw off the demon so that maybe he wouldn't recognize the room and fuck off elsewhere. I woke up in the middle of the night that night with the feeling of freezing cold hands gripping me by the upper arms and shaking me violently. No hands were physically there of course and no one was in my room, but I felt them as real as day.

Those are the kinds of things that I've been having to protect myself against for over twenty years, which is why my personality is so obstinate and stubborn. My dream powers and other abilities are almost entirely willpower based, so I always approach things as like, of course I can do it its easy, watch. If I show an uncharacteristic level of vulnerability or uncertainty in whether I can protect myself or others, that's what brings those kinds of spirits back around. I believe myself to be stronger than all of them because that's what keeps me powerful, and being powerful keeps me & mine safe.

If I never show weakness I will never be targeted. No one can touch me if I'm already at the top. Anyone who attacks me is a fool to try.

I have been at a point on this journey of mine, this weird secret life, where I've been at the top for so long that my secret dream/astral life that I'm considered a demigod, and have gained plenty more abilities since. I know that makes me sound badass, and honestly, I am? But I'm also not someone who enjoys flaunting that, because that also presents a challenge that malicious entities might want to target as well.

Instead, I much prefer to stay in the background, out of the limelight, out of anybody's notice. Its not weakness to not want to be the centre of attention, especially for something like 'I'm too powerful for literally anybody to fuck with'. Its like, making myself small not to defer to anyone, but so that I don't seem like an obvious threat until such time as I need to act to protect me & mine. About the only time I make myself known to spiritual entities its because they're actively bothering one of my friends, and then its a case of "This person is under my protection. Leave or face the consequences." And they often do.

Think like Sans from Undertale, lol. I'm that. Laid back, totally chill, right up until you want to fuck around in order to find out. And even then I'd probably pull punches somewhat. Its honestly ridiculous the shit I can do.

And its that underlying confidence that colours who I am and everything I do in my physical life too. That refusal to show vulnerability runs deep - I've tried in the past to talk about more sensitive things with people I've trusted, but those relationships haven't lasted because they only see the outward tough-as-nails version of me. The rock they can always rely on. And I don't totally fault them for that.

But its also like, I'm still (mostly) human at the end of the day, and I require maintenance on that front too. I still want to have meaningful equal relationships where I can share things like my feelings and my worries and not have it thrown back in my face like I'm being two-faced. I'm not. What you're seeing is a carefully cultivated defense mechanism that has kept me safe from things you will never even see or recognize as a threat. I'm allowed to have a little vulnerability, as a treat, and its taken me my entire adult life to learn that.

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This is absolutely 100% true.

As a kid my mother would use God to justify her abuse of me. She said that God said parents are infallible, and used him as a way to rationalize every awful thing she said or did to me. I said, if God supports this then I don’t want anything to do with him, basically. Religion was probably the first thing from my childhood that I threw out, and well before my childhood was even over.

It also didn’t help that there was only one bible story we ever heard about a woman being a hero (Ester??), where she saved a guy’s life by feeding the lions he was thrown to beforehand. Totally smooth move she pulled there, but it was disappointing that that was seemingly the only one in there. As a kid I could really have used more badass female role models. It also bothered me that women weren’t allowed in the priesthood for arbitrarily sexist reasons.

And then of course there’s basically the stories of God torturing someone for kicks (Job), or just outright killing whole towns for sinning.

When I was baptised my hair was tucked into the back of my gown, because I had a lot of it and no one had the foresight to put it up in any way. I’m also a bit aquaphobic (specifically of being submerged in water) so I was not looking forward to this.

As soon as I got dunked at eight years old, my long hair all came tumbling out of my gown and my foot slipped. Somehow my foot that went flying out from under me and my long hair didn’t reach the surface of the water, so I didn’t have to get dunked again, but it was definitely a harrowing experience nonetheless.

I figured that that was enough to realize that I didn’t belong there.

My childhood sins were forgiven (but then again, what sins? I was a child), and I learned that religion was not for me.

the athiesm of women/people of color/lgbt people is absolutely different than the athiesm of cishet white men and i feel like people forget that a lot

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Went to sleep listening to this and when I woke up I had an opportunity waiting for me :)

Excited and determined to put my skills to the test >:)

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Don’t laugh at me.

I had a few dreams last night and this morning, but for right now I’m just going to focus on the one. Dream under cut:

The first thing I think I remember was we were going through this old abandoned house that needed a lot of work. It might’ve been a church, but it was a huge house on a huge property with unkempt yards and garden beds and inside there were holes in the walls and creaky stairs and some of the wood rotting away. I think my family inherited it from one of my grandparents, so there was also a sense of mourning about it.

My parents had a new kitten who had found a wild rabbit larger than it it was trying to playfight. We were kind of laughing about it, as this rabbit was not intimidated by us or the cat at all. It got away unharmed and I said something about how it was unfortunate the cat didn’t kill it because then we could’ve skinned it, cooked and ate it for dinner.

This lady that was there, possibly intended to be one of my aunts, laughed at me. She said there was no way I would ever do that (implying that I wouldn’t have the nerve to skin and cook an animal), and thought the idea of me doing that was ridiculous.

In this dream I very much had my interest in survivalism intact, so I was offended. Of course I was, how dare she imply that I couldn’t survive on my own? By default I can’t stand it when people dismiss me like some helpless little girl, and even if I don’t currently know something, that doesn’t mean I can’t learn it.

So I said “Thank you so much for your complete lack of confidence in me” and turned away quickly. That conversation was over and the dinner table behind me had been set.

During dinner my father spoke up and said something like “So are you going to apologize to (name)?”

And I said “Why would I do that?” There was a beat of tense silence before I followed up with “No one here is going to defend me but me.”

Then I made the decision to stay in this remove fixer-upper of a mansion alone for a month in order to prove it. My dad protested and said I couldn’t do that, and I essentially said “Too late, I live here now” XD

Time skipped ahead by a month and we had another family friend who wanted to have their wedding in that house, which lit a fire under my ass to get most of it cleaned up and presentable. It turns out I did a pretty good job, as several parts of the house looked amazing. I had gutted old wood and insulation, put new up, drywalled it, painted it, even did some fancy ass crown moulding and shit apparently. It wasn’t 100% in some parts of the house still (I told someone on arrival which areas to avoid taking the bride and groom) but I still did a fricken’ amazing job. My flowerbeds were also fucking tidy with beautiful red blooms all over.

The wedding was beautiful. The bride was very pregnant and they wanted to be married before the baby came, I guess, and the groom also wore a white tuxedo that made him very charming, even though he had one of the scruffiest faces I’d ever seen. She had brown hair with blonde highlights and he had black curly hair and a full beard. The ceremony was very private and simple, just family and maybe a couple other guests all totalled, and they seemed very happy and in love with each other. No big reception party I guess, either because the dream didn’t cover it or because the bride was rather tired and couldn’t drink anyways.

In typical my parents fashion, no one complimented me on all the hard work I’d put into it. After the wedding he commented TO the bride & groom, who were staying the night, that there was something wrong with their bathroom. But I had already fixed it, and I shut him down hard on the spot, because how fucking dare he.

I think we all stayed the night, because the next morning timeline shenanigans kicked in.

There was a man there that seemed confused about his reasons for being there, and I had sort of decided to look after him I guess. He was in rough shape and appeared to be homeless - which would make a sort of sense, as the house had been abandoned and empty for so long that someone might try to squat in it, and then get confused when walking into a part that suddenly looked very lived in (again, the renovations I did were only on some areas).

I had barely begun speaking to him and trying to sort things out when the groom turned the corner, saw him, and immediately approached him for a fight. I stood in the way, as I had decided to look after him and didn’t want any fights in my house anyways. Groom ignored me and took a swing at the poor man over my head, which I don’t remember if he hit or missed, but in retaliation I took a swing at groom, which hit him hard in the jaw. Now his anger was on me.

We fought, and his blows didn’t do anything to me because my brief karate training kicked in and I blocked almost all of them, while my punches got him in his face hard every time. I knocked him into a wall and he fell over out cold. Then I got worried because I didn’t expect to actually knock him out, just send a warning, and I asked one of the guests who happened to be a doctor if we should take him to a hospital. She said he didn’t show any critical problems or something (??) and the bride stepped in and said she would take him home. She seemed sort of tired still, and maybe a little disappointed in her new husband for starting a fight first thing in the morning that he didn’t win.

It cut to her walking alongside a boat pushing it gently down a wide and shallow stream, and him waking up in the boat, which had been lined with flowers, to the sight of a red cloth over her head and her brown and blonde hair. He thought it was me at first because I have long brown hair, and was ready to pounce, but she turned to face him once she realized he was awake. They had a conversation about killing that man, and that this was the one timeline where they hadn’t, because he fought me instead. The bride was concerned that they didn’t know what to expect now.

Meanwhile, I guess this guy was my boyfriend now, because I stuck to him like glue. I don’t know if he was supposed to be Wing or not, but apart from seeming dazed and confused most of the time, he was sweet. He had some ability to hop timelines though, and we wound up slipping from one to the next several times, even meeting bride and groom under different circumstances, although at the same stage in her pregnancy. Each time they showed up I tensed, because I wasn’t sure if they’d attack my boyfriend again. As we hopped timelines, he started remembering bits and pieces of things, but I don’t recall the full details of it because Nora woke me up during some big reveal XD

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Read this for good vibes :)

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Honestly I’ve always sort of figured that identifying otherkin isn’t a rejection of your human body or identity as a human person, just as an additional component of identity. That add-on identity is usually provoked by strong feelings towards some other nature of your soul, such as phantom limbs, significant dreams, odd habits or affinity for certain hobbies, etc.

If someone identifies as otherkin, they’re not openly rejecting their humanity or demanding to be part of a protected class. They’re only saying ‘this is another thing about me that I want to talk about/that I think you might like to know about me’. It’s part of personality and identity but not in the same way that being gay or transgender is.

If someone could explain to me why otherkin is a thing, and why people are positive it’s belongs under the LGBTQ+ umbrella, please explain. I mean, why?? Why is this a thing?? Who made it up??

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I need to take a break to heal myself for a while

Last night I went to sleep with the intention of ridding myself of all the negative energy plagueing me lately, and I had a dream that still somewhat reflected a negative mental state. So there is definitely some more work I need to do there - one binaural beats video and a night of sleep isn't enough.

The problem is that my default nature is to launch myself at the world's problems and try to fix them all myself. Any way that I can.

But I can't do that from a shaky foundation. I'm sick, I'm broke, I'm depressed, I'm constantly thinking in a negative context, I'm perpetually self-defeating. I feel like nothing's going my way in life right now.

And it hurts, doubly so because I'm just left feeling frustrated with myself and my apparent powerlessness. I'm spinning my wheels uselessly unable to help anyone, let alone myself.

And one of the major contributing factors to this is my environment. What I talk about with people in person or online and what content I see on the Internet. Fortunately, this is something that is within my power to control.

I'm going on a news diet, because I think that's been the major thing impacting me negatively lately - not because I don't care, shit's still super important and it needs to be shared - but because the negative emotions they evoke that I internalize are literally poisoning me from the inside out.

I can't keep doing that to myself if I'm going to be of any help to anyone.

So I'm going to unfollow some blogs, even some belonging to close friends. It's nothing personal, and I'm going to save a list of them so I can re-follow them once I feel better. If there's too many to trim out of my feed, I may just take a break from Tumblr entirely. I'm also going to do a much-needed trim down my Facebook and take an extended hiatus from it as well.

I'm going to take some time to work on myself - namely, my responses to things internally and emotionally, practicing a positive mind and gratitude, and just working to build up my foundation. I am already strong, but there's a difference between being strong from fighting, and coming from a place of internal strength.

My triumphs over struggles have always been defined by external achievements, but they've always had a background of self-doubt and second-guessing self-worth. That's the part that needs work right now.

I have no idea how long such a hiatus may take me - as an ADHD person and career procrastinator, setting a deadline is not something my brain responds well to - but for now I will just say this:

My resolution for 2019 is to save this fuckin' world. One step at a time.

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There's another T. Harv Eker free webinar being advertised on YouTube right now

Give this link a try. It's got a few tags in it to make it harder to find I guess. If that doesn't work then maybe try copy/pasting this into your browser:

https://www.mindvalley.com/secrets-of-spiritual-millionaire/lp?otag=[cid=[advertising]-[google-paid]-[webinar-autopilot]

I'm pretty sure that this is the same webinar I took a while back that really helped me, so I recommend it for anyone that needs a boost in any of several respects - self-esteem, spiritual validation, or any of the abundance blocks they talk about. You set the time and day you watch it, and it's only an hour, and you'll end it feeling on top of the world.

I will also warn you that they will pressure you to buy in to their pricey courses on Mindvalley - I have no advice on that either way, I can't afford them & I don't think they'd work for my specific situation anyways. They are hundreds of dollars even discounted, fair warning.

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$42 is also a fucking ripoff too, might I add. Quartz can be found or bought relatively cheaply, sage is stupid easy to grow (you need seeds, dirt, a pot, and a window to set it all next to) - grow it, dry it, and bundle it yourself. Also, I’ve heard tarot decks are best when they’re a gift like mine was, so technically buying yourself one isn’t as potent anyways, and fragrances as I understand it are an extra thing/are sort of a buy-as-you-need kind of thing anyways, like spices in your spice rack.

Skip the megacorp and do the legwork yourself, it’ll actually serve you better to do so in the end.

“Sephora will start selling entry-level witch kits in October.”

All right witches, listen up.

Sephora is to begin selling a “witch kit” next month featuring a tarot deck, fragrances, a sage bundle, and a rose quartz crystal for $42.

I think it’s wonderful that witchcraft is making a resurgence, but what I don’t think is wonderful, is that a huge corporation like Sephora is trying to tap into this market.

Why don’t I like it?

Because Sephora has their fingers in enough pies and generates over $4,000,000,000 in revenue per year.

Because witchcraft produce and supplies should be provided by people with knowledge on the practise(s) and who care enough to make sure their products are ethical, of a high quality, and non-appropriative.

Because Sephora will be stealing business from actual witchcraft and occult centric shops who likely don’t make huge sums of money anyway due to the niche nature of the market.

Because Sephora doesn’t need the fucking money!

So, I urge you to share this post and refrain from purchasing this “entry-level” witch kit (and any future witchcraft related product) from Sephora. Instead, support small, witch-owned businesses. We need you and we’ve got your backs.

Here is a list of shops owned by witches. Check it out!

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Law of Attraction

Or abundance or whatever it is :P Going to talk on that today since it’s been on my mind.

A few weeks ago now, I signed up for this free webinar that was advertised on one of the ASMR YouTube videos I use to fall asleep. The only reason I signed up for the webinar was because it was free, and because I’ve been in a rough spot financially for a long time now and figured I had very little to lose. An hour out of a Wednesday afternoon seemed like an okay trade for something that I could maybe potentially use.

My attitude towards folks who promote or advocate for this idea of an abundant universe and the law of attraction and things like that has been rather negative in the past. Oftentimes they strike me as snake oil salesmen - folks who sell books titled ‘how to get rich quick’ and things like that where the answer is ‘write and publish a book titled “how to get rich quick” and wait for gullible saps to buy it’. My ex had a few of those books on topics like how to become a millionaire through real estate and the like, and his mother was a realtor so, he had no shortage of support there. But, like I said, in the process of pursuing those kinds of get-rich-quick schemes, you’re really just lining someone else’s pockets while obtaining information that may not even be useful to yourself in your specific situation. So I viewed folks pushing this idea of the law of attraction in a similar way - just very sketchy, negative, snake oil peddlers that really just wanted to sell me on more such talks and line their own pockets while mine became increasingly more barren.

Well, let me tell you how the webinar actually went down.

It was on a website called Mindvalley.com, with Harv Eker and Vishen Lakhiani. I decided that, it seemed to have a sort of spiritual/psychological bent to it from the ad seemingly, so that if it had advice that would help me build up my self-esteem or something like that, just overall improve my mental state by a fair margin through this talk, then it would 100% be worth my time. And like I said before, I had very little to lose spending an hour watching a free webinar on abundance.

At the end of it, they did offer some courses - extremely pricey ones that had been ‘discounted’ like 95%, but 5% was still something like three hundred dollars. I had little doubt in my mind that those might help someone else watching, but I was not interested and I wanted to come away from this having invested only my time anyways. And I didn’t, and still don’t, have a spare $300 lying around.

But I felt amazing by the time the webinar wrapped up.

Literally amazing. Spiritually empowered, ready to take on anything, incredibly emboldened and like nothing could stop me, nothing could hold me back anymore. It was an exhilarating feeling that rocked me to my core. I went into it having spent nothing and came out of it feeling like I’d just won the lottery, in spite of my bank account still showing negative digits. Nothing could crush me at that point - the reality of my situation hadn’t left me, but I felt markedly different about it.

I had to get on Discord and tell Mike about it right away. Mike, though he’s my best friend for life and I love him dearly, instantly had some negativity of his own to share re: the american political system and how the rich get richer while the poor get worse all the time - And that’s real life, unfortunately, and I’m not going to dismiss that. But that’s entirely the wrong attitude to have.

Here are some key concepts/key ideas that I took away from the webinar and would like to share with you folks:

1. Your attitude towards money is all wrong.

I’m being totally serious, and I think that this is something that a lot of people struggle with throughout their lives. If you aren’t born with it then you feel like you’re constantly scraping by. Your parents are always talking about debt and how they’re always scraping by too - I know mine were. I could write a book about all the wrong things my parents did just relating to money. Maybe someday I actually will :)

Your relationship with money is a major factor in how much you receive or what you have to do to get it. If you believe you can only make a lot of money by working hard, then that’s what you’ll have to do. If you feel like you’re always drowning in debt, then you will always be drowning in it. If you believe deep down that you’re unworthy of a lot of money, then you’ll never have a lot of money. You subconsciously reject money if you believe deep down that you’re not worth it. This can manifest in refusing a job promotion because you don’t think you’ve earned it, not applying for a job in the first place because you don’t meet the qualifications, or deciding against some action related to business (current or one you haven’t started yet) because it’s a lot of time investment, will keep you away from your family, a lot of money invested, etc. etc. etc. These really are excuses, because there are always affordable business loans, way to maintain work/life balance and family time, or accepting that promotion because it may just be a stepping stone towards something even better. You can’t know where it’ll take you until you try.

We make excuses to refuse money all the time, even if we don’t realize it. What about flipping the script for once and reasoning out with ourselves why we deserve money instead?

2. Jealousy and envy will do nothing but hold you back.

This is a tough one, but it ties into point one that attitudes about money are all wrong. If you hold it inside yourself that people who have a lot of money don’t deserve it, and spite and scorn them for having it, then you will never have it for yourself.

Harv said something that I thought was rather beautiful - “If you see someone with a big beautiful house, bless that house.” How wonderful that that family should have such a nice place to live, no? How wonderful that they have new, safe cars to drive for them and their children. No sarcasm involved. If you think positively about it for them, then this allows you to open yourself up to having those beautiful things as well.

3. Money is not evil.

Think about it. We talk (and Mike talked) about how guys like Jeff Bezos have enough money hoarded away when they could instead just snap their fingers and solve global poverty just like that.

If a construction worker decided one day to brain his coworker with a hammer, would you blame the hammer? No. Money is like the hammer - nothing but a tool to be used by the person wielding it. Money cannot make conscious decisions for itself, is not sentient, and is in fact entirely neutral as to whose hands it comes into.

It is completely possible to be rich and be a good person. One of my favourite random sayings that I carry with me when I’m looking for my next course of action is “Be the example”. Get your well-deserved money and then demonstrate it. Help you, because you probably need it, and then help those in need. You can absolutely be a good person with money because the two are not mutually exclusive, but of course don’t set yourself on fire to keep others’ warm. You can’t pull people up and out of their troubles if you’re still standing on unstable ground. Believe me, I’ve tried XD

4. Unfortunately, you don’t just magically get this money. You still have to do something for it.

In the webinar they talked about finding your life’s purpose and then living your purpose - something I still struggle with in spite of my elevated feelings immediately following said webinar. I am still not quite sure what my purpose is - I have a feeling, and I think it’s a good one (trying to build understanding between people and groups of people for everyone’s health and happiness), but I have other struggles that still block me.

The examples they gave related to business primarily. Harv was trying to start up businesses that didn’t work and were geared towards one thing, and Vishen was just struggling with his existing business. I think the important takeaway from their individual talks about it though is this: Work your passion. Find out what your passion is, get good at it, and then live and work your passion. They say that if you love your work then you’ll never work a day in your life, right? This idea is basically that in practice.

5. There is no such thing as having too much money.

Least of all when it comes to yourself :P

I used to do this thing where I’d play the lottery (yes I still play every week, shut up) and I would think to myself “I only need a million dollars to live comfortably the rest of my life. Anything beyond that is too much.” That was because I couldn’t appreciate the scope of having more than a cool mil. There is a factor of scale that just boggles my mind. A million dollars is already a lot of money, an almost unfathomable amount. The only frame of reference is that my house is probably worth about a quarter-mil right now. I could buy four of my house with one million dollars.

Well, I refuse to impose limits on myself like that anymore.

Bring on the 60 million dollar grand prize! This is my attitude now. There is still a part of me that sort of recoils at the idea of that money, but then I internally try to push that back with a follow-up thought of ‘just think about the number of people I could help with that money’. If Jeff Bezos won’t single-handedly solve poverty world-wide, then maybe I can. Give me that cool 60 mil, I am open to it and down to receive any sort of excess the universe wants to throw at me. I’ll make use of every single cent :D

6. I saw immediate results after embracing this way thinking.

This is absolutely true, and I have witnesses who can attest to that :)

After watching this seminar, within a few days of doing so, I had a room listed for rent online on a local classifieds website. My inbox exploded. I can’t even fathom how many responses I got, but it was easily upwards of fifty different people replying to my ad. Not only did I get the room rented, I got a second room I didn’t even list rented as well.

I also received some amazing and generous donations to my main blog’s Kofi from some amazingly generous friends of mine from here on Tumblr. I didn’t even ask, they just showed up and I was so thankful I cried.

A good long-time friend of mine was also generous enough to offer me a loan of $1000 USD in order to cover my bills and some other upcoming expenses. Initially I refused the loan, but after taking a second look at my finances, I decided to accept it and hope to pay it back in full by Christmas.

Now, I’m not sure how I feel about the idea of an abundant universe - I went into this as a skeptic and I came out still a bit skeptical - but there are definitely attitudes within me that can change so I can provide myself with more opportunities to find abundance in my own life. I went into this thing looking to boost up my esteem and got that in spades.

It all exemplifies something I already believed going into this, to be entirely fair; What you believe becomes reality. I have a few beliefs about my character that have helped to shape me as a spiritual person that initially may not have been true. I am confident, strong, and powerful. All of those things are absolutely true about me today. Put another way, you could say that manifesting abundance is very similar to the idea ‘fake it ‘til you make it’ XD

If I can find out whether they’re still running the webinar (I feel like it was definitely pre-recorded, but I doubt there’s a video just laying around), I’ll share it with you folks on here <3

Thanks for coming to my TED talk XD

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Had a dream that I formed a psychic friendship with a magic chair.

Yes, that's basically the whole thing XD

I definitely intended to be more active on this blog than I have, still combating some feelings of embarassment, as well as just trying to keep up with some stuff life has thrown my way. In any case, had a fun dream this morning that was more coherent than most.

I think that this was actually the tail end of some much larger dream, in that myself and a few others had just wrapped up some crazy epic adventure, and we'd gone home to identify the loot and go back to our normal lives. Well, someone found this big orangish-yellow lounge chair and identified it with two enchantments on it: The Chair That Listens (To Your Thoughts), and The Chair That Talks Back.

I think there was also a warning implied with the two enchantments, where it could become corrupt over time or could somehow corrupt you with exposure.

I didn't care. I took a seat.

Immediately my vision sort of greys out, and in white text over the dark I read the word 'Hello!'

And I'm like 'holy shit it works' XD

Immediately I try to get people's attention on this awesome magic psychic talking chair while it introduces itself to me and starts having a one-sided conversation. Then I remember the first enchantment, so I think to it 'Can you hear me?'

And the chair is ecstatic. It freaks out and goes 'Yes I can! Hello!!'

So the chair could put words in my vision psychicly, and I could talk back to it the same way. We ended up having a whole conversation back and forth like this, and I discovered that this chair was very innocent, very curious about people, and very, very lonely.

I think about the adventure we just had, my party members and friends, I try to introduce the chair to some folks around, all while sitting in this orangey-yellow (but in prisine condition) lounge chair.

That's another thing too; I wasn't at home, I was sitting in this well-lit modern day library. I think it may've been at a college and everyone (myself included) were there to fill out some administrative forms, with some teachers and staff there walking around to stop and help folks that needed it. There was a lot of low conversations so the library wasn't silent, it had this sort of background murmur.

Someone at my table asked at one point if I could print off some blank cover forms for her. I was just like no problem, I'll just think to my magic chair.

I ask it politely via thought to reprint the second-last thing I printed on blue paper. The chair, eager to please, is like 'No problem!' And a blue form prints out. At this point the girl and the prof who asked me to do this are looking at me kind of curiously, because I didn't have to take my laptop out to do it. I go to hand them the page off the printer in my bag hanging off the chair, annnd it's the wrong form XD It has my bank information on it. I tell my chair they got the wrong form, they panic and apologize, and I reassure them that it's okay, they'll get it next time.

[logan-after-dark]

An apology

To the otherkin community.

For as long as I can remember, my knowledge about otherkin and therians has been severely limited. I didn’t realize it was, because the concept is quite simple, no? “Humans who believe they are some sort of other creature.”

I’ve always thought this was a delusion, and felt bad for these people and hoped they would get the help they needed one day. This ‘feeling sorry’ got dismissed so often that my feelings towards them spiked to anger, where I could laugh heartily about the cringe compilations made about them because, well, I’d been treated like shit by them when I thought I’d only been empathetic.

A few days ago I decided to test my luck and interact with a few otherkin people. At first, my intent was 100% to see what stupid shit they would say. But I soon found them to be incredibly kind, and helpful, and it turns out my perception of what otherkin is (based on Tumblr and other mainstream online social media) was completely warped.

Actual otherkin and therians don’t act like that. All they have, is a strong belief that they are part-other creatures, through either reincarnation, misplaced souls or a psychological effect at a young age. They recognize and are aware that they have a human body, and most see it as a positive experience to live life as part animal while still having a human body. You can basically view it as a religion, really, but it’s not exactly that either.

A lot of what I’ve read up on involves otherkin with Paganism, using animal totems and other related beliefs to find their way in life. A few sources talked about imprinting, and the controversial topic of physical shifts. Meditation is used to find your name, and your animal. All of it is a really interesting process that I implore you to check out

(I’ll add sources to this post once I get out of bed, I just need to type this up because I’m overcome with guilt atm)

But what I really learned after all this time: whether it’s delusionsal or not doesn’t matter. It matters that they’re not harmful. To anyone. They’re just living their life, sharing experiences with others just like non-kin would talk about strange dreams we’ve had and interesting shows we saw on TV.

Those biting and growling and snarling in public, acting like a real animal and harming those around them in the process? Those people aren’t otherkin. They’re either delusional teens, or fakes. And a good portion of the otherkin and therian community seems to not like them either.

So I owe every otherkin and therian out there an apology. My view was warped, and frankly quite shallow and stupid. I’ve learned so much from simply talking to you guys that I’m ashamed to admit I ever thought differently and I’ll be more respectful of you guys in the future.

To anyone else who reads this and still holds biased views about otherkin: I highly recommend talking to one, or joining an otherkin discord to learn more about their experiences firsthand. You’ll find it fascinating, trust me. And feel free to share this message if you have any friends or family that are rude to the mere concept of otherkin. Misinformation can only be countered by sending out the right message.

Thanks.

[logan-after-dark]

Lune's speech at the start of this video is sonething everyone should hear and digest. You don't have to be spiritual to understand it.

[logan-after-dark]

So this just happened.

[logan-after-dark]

Powers on the planes and the nature of my soul

One of the struggles that I have with starting this blog is really just still that internal hesitation, that learned reluctance to share this part of myself with anyone that isn’t my absolute closest friends. I’ve been burned before - I’ve had people use what little I had shared with them about my relationships with demons to make fun of me, what little I shared about my abilities to either challenge me, mock me, or for their own material gain even, or even just take the fact that I’m interested in this stuff in the first place as a sign that I’m not a worthy person to associate with period. So I’m sure you can easily understand why I still have this mental block to actually putting stuff down out here in a very public format.

But the purpose of this blog, for me, is to be more open about it. To express this part of myself like I never have before, because I feel like at my core, I don’t have anything to hide, and I shouldn’t. This is me. Real, unfiltered, genuine. I shouldn’t feel like I should have to hide anything about myself in the first place, and this is a very big part of my real self, my truest self, that I do want people to learn about, if only for the sake of not feeling like I have to hide anything anymore.

So, today, I’m going to talk about two things: My soul, and my abilities on the planes.

And I apologize that I’m not going to hide them under a cut, because then that would ironically defeat the purpose :P

Spiritually, one thing I can say I’m sure about the existence of is my own soul. I’ve had quite the journey into learning about myself and my origins, which led me to the point that I could perceive and even hold my own soul in my hands, in a manner of speaking. My understanding and associated beliefs regarding souls is that they do not live inside of your body, because souls are something that exist on another plane of existence entirely. When I feel for my soul or when I interact with my own soul, I feel it below my sternum about where my stomach sits, and I have a few theories on why that is, but it physically isn’t there. When I feel for that, I do so with the understanding that it is less an actual physical presence or sensation, and more the endpoint of a reflection bounced around a thousand million times before it reaches me here. The actual soul itself that I identify as belonging to me is not on this plane - it’s elsewhere, though I can still interact with the reflection that’s cast on me as if I were interacting with the physical thing, because it is a sort of two-way connection. The soul exists elsewhere and is reflected upon me, but I can interact with that reflection as if it were the real thing, which sort of bounces that back along the line to the actual thing.

Now, if that wasn’t confusing enough tell me, and I’m sure I could muddy it up a bit more :P

My soul is of a very unique and varied nature, at least as far as I’ve seen in comparison to other peoples’ and entities’ souls. I was told many years ago, and trust me that I am still skeptical about this so I only take this at face-value, by someone who claimed to have a higher understanding of souls and demons and the like, that before I was born it was discovered that I didn’t get a human soul for whatever reason. I just didn’t have one. Another belief that I have is that souls are what provide beings their free will and autonomy, so what this would have meant was that at my birth I either wouldn’t have been alive, or I wouldn’t have been a complete person. So, I am told, someone gave me a part of her soul in order to prevent this disaster from happening. This soul was not human in nature - it was full demon, and with a clear affinity for fire. If that doesn’t explain my super fiery temper, general rebelliousness and recklessness, my independence and my constant screaming matches with my mother growing up, I don’t know what does XD

When I first heard of this (remember - I’m still a bit skeptical even if some of the pieces make sense to me), my first instinct was that I wanted to give her back the part of her soul that helped to make me me. I didn’t want her to be diminished by her not having it, but I also didn’t want to be without a soul because that could clearly be very dangerous for me. So, I had to immerse myself in it, learn more about it, and then learn how to make changes to it.

I can’t recall the number of times I’ve gone in and edited the thing, but I have done so much work on it that it doesn’t even remotely resemble what it was when it was first brought to my attention that it was borrowed from someone else. It has expanded in size and yet remains in a super condensed form, so that when I pull it away from me and stretch it out it looks like this massive galaxy of mostly white lights, swirling around in patterns that I still honestly barely understand. A lot of my abilities (which we’ll segue into in just a moment) I used just with sheer force of will, so I can look at this thing and just add and remove parts to it just because I want them. It’s not always effective and I’ve gotten a bit less creative over the years, but I’ve been able to give myself even further abilities through editing. I have also had to go into it and sweep out corruption and corrupting influences left by other demons that I’ve fought, on many occasions, so I’m pretty used to looking at it and while I don’t have a perfect map in my head of what it specifically looks like, I can just sort of feel out what should and should not be there just by sort of opening it up in front of me and taking a look. It’s my soul, after all, so it makes sense to me that I should be instinctually familiar with it.

Now, for my abilities.

In the physical world, I can’t do much. Let’s get that out of the way first and foremost. I can do a handful of things that don’t really work as parlour tricks or anything like that, though they’re all still sort of willpower-based:

- I can give basically anyone an eerily accurate Tarot reading without knowing the first thing about them, their situation, or anything beyond their given name or whatever other symbolism I’ve been offered to focus on for them. This just involves me focusing on them as I massage my deck of cards and turn them over in my hands, just trying to feel out their energy and transfer them to my cards.

- I have some limited ability to scry out objects or people if I have some sort of impression of it or them that I can focus on in my mind. It’s wildly inaccurate, but it means that I can never truly lose my phone or my keys, and I have at least on one occasion found someone else’s key that I’d never seen before with this ability.

- If the planets are fuckin’ aligned and the full moon is out and I’m just generally feeling into it, I can make a tin paper pinwheel spin without touching it. This is after literal years of practice using guides off the internet for telekinesis, but I have never been able to do much more than the paper pinwheel thing (and not for lack of trying - moving shit with my mind is fucking rad). I’d post a video of it but I can’t do it on a whim and I am so out of practice it’d take me weeks to sort of get it going again.

- This is subjective as fuck, but I have had a lot of success with healing people through burning tall orange candles for them. I use a similar method for when I do a Tarot reading for them - focus on them or a symbol representing them while holding the candle, and just trying to put positive energy ‘please get better’ vibes into the wax through my hands. This is the sort of thing that I physically cannot prove without like super hardcore down-to-the-minute testing by a doctor, which has never and will never be the case whenever I do this, but in almost every instance where I’ve tried this, and not told the subject that I’m doing this in order to avoid some placebo/nocebo effect, they have told me that they’ve started to feel better almost immediately after that candle is lit. One downside of this is that I cannot do this for myself when I’m feeling super ill, only for other people.

- Oh, and of course, predictive/precognitive dreams. I could go on for-fucking-ever about my predictive dreams, so I won’t. This time. XD Maybe in another post.

As you can see, none of these are super demonstrate-able tricks (or if you want to use the word spells, go nuts - I just slot them under ‘abilities’ because I think that’s the most accurate word I’ve got for them) as they’re very situational in their use or just can’t be produced on a whim, but that’s what I’ve got going for me in the physical world.

In my dreams, and by extension on the planes, I can do so much more.

Literally if I tried to write a novel (framed as fiction) about the sorts of stuff that I can do on the planes, people would find it pretentious power-fantasy garbage. They’d call the main character, me, the worst Mary Sue they’ve ever had the misfortune of reading about. It would die off in obscurity and I’d probably get mocked and ridiculed for ever even conceiving of writing it. They’d say I was trying to make myself out to be some kind of god, that there was almost no conflict worth speaking of as I always had the answer to any situation right at my fingertips, and that it was just boringly mundane throughout.

But, you guys. The reason for that is because my abilities in my dreams and on the planes are literally anything that I can imagine, I can do.

It’s awkward to kind of get into it for the reasons I started this post off with, as well as the reasons I’ve just laid out. But the point of this is to get it out there so that people can understand this part of me, so I can’t hold back now.

Well... Down the rabbit hole we go:

- I think the first and most obvious ability is that I can basically float and fly around anywhere at will any time that I want to. I can also just be anywhere I want to be, whenever I want to be there. I have been told by others in spiritual and paranormal communities both that this is unusual, that there is a process or an order to things, but yeah. I kind of get to skip over that no problem with literally no effort at all.

- I can absorb any sort of energy out there to charge myself up, and I have no limit on how much energy I can store. Another thing I’ve experienced in dealing with souls is that your soul is also a battery - when I pull energy towards myself in order to use it for something or store it for later, I pull it in towards my stomach and feel my soul getting filled up. And I can do this forever without feeling like I’ve hit some sort of limit. This is sort of handy because whenever I do do something that expends energy, I kind of blow the top off and use a lot of it at once.

- I can create ‘boxes’ I like to call them, around other entities or even their souls, in order to trap or imprison them, or to cut off their access to their own abilities. And if my own self or my own soul is trapped, usually I can break out effortlessly with no problem. I can also use this to create very strong shields of any shape or size around myself and my loved ones. This was the true inspiration for Reader’s barrier magic, if you read my Undertale fanfic I work on over at my main blog @ladyanatares :P

- Because I have some mastery over souls (editing mine, boxing them up, finding others based on looking for theirs, holding them in my hands, even creating a couple from scratch), I have been called a Reaper on more than one occasion by people in communities I’ve frequented and by entities on the planes. This kind of gives me a presence that other demons and ill-meaning spirits will largely leave me alone because of, and it’s got some ground in fact, too. If I so choose to, I can shatter a soul in the palm of my (astral form’s) hand with barely any effort to speak of, instantly killing them, but I can also put one back together in an instant, effectively resurrecting the owner of it. And, if someone or something has died in the physical world that I know of, I can sort of show them the way to the well, which is what I like to call the place where souls go to get recycled into new living beings. It’s kind of a creepy ability to have even to me, and it’s not something I do all that frequently. I actually prefer not to get mixed up in matters of life and death as much as can avoid it, but you can be sure that if my family’s been hurt there’s going to be some muscle thrown around >:( Oh, and I can totally swing a long-handled scythe in and out of the planes like nobody’s business XD

- I can create little pocket dimensions or planes for my own personal use at will. Remember when I said I can do literally anything? I meant anything. I have one that’s basically my cottage, I have one that has only a mage tower in it of my own design, and I have a few others I’ve made here or there when I had to keep moving my family around in order to keep them safe.

- This is a newer one but as I suggested above with creating new souls, I can create people from stitching together different parts of souls from different wells and then also sculpting a form for them as well just from the ether. I’ve only done this a couple times and I’m not super interested in doing it all that often, there were just a couple situations where I felt like I had to, and it was like ‘hey, I can do this? Well, okay, cool’.

- And I can do so, so much more. Seriously if you can think of it, I already have and I’ve done it a dozen times over easily. It’s pretty insane what I can do over there.

So, after reading through all that, I’m sure you can see how people might think I’m ridiculously overpowered. I think I’m ridiculously overpowered, but I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that my abilities are very much based on sheer force of will, and I had to have a lot of that in order to counter some stuff in my early life (and my early life itself, see also: severely antagonistic primary caregiver).

I have some difficulties with these abilities as well, in that sometimes it can be way too easy to hurt someone with a stray thought that I don’t intend to harm at all, so I have to be very careful not to do that. My boxes (or barriers or shields, whatever your flavour) that I put around myself are so strong, that I actually can’t hear anyone on the planes, and we have to have conversations through empathy, hand signals, and vague impressions (which is annoying as hell to be honest, and sometimes I really just want to hear their voices). Finally, I have tried to dial it down a bit, learn some control over the force and strength of my abilities, but overdoing it just comes so naturally to me and due to the inability to hear anyone (and my actual ADHD making it difficult to focus in the first place), I can’t seem to keep up with any lessons I’ve sought out to give me some finer measure of control. Which feels a bit embarrassing with how reckless I continue to be. Sometimes controlling these abilities is like trying to direct and guide a fucking firehose - which is an appropriate analogy for me because odds are good that I set the place on fucking fire in the first place.

Well, that’s all I have for today I guess. If you found this interesting or want to ask me more about it, please feel free. Thanks for listening <3

[logan-after-dark]

Weird thing that just happened

So my selected video to snooze to tonight was this one:

https://youtu.be/1HSU72ncWe0

I'll fix that on desktop Tumblr later. Anyways.

It's a past life regression meditation by Joe Treacy on YouTube. I don't always like the grounding technique he uses (imagining a cord at the base of your spine and then extending it down into the earth), but this time he did something different, and I got utterly immersed.

I was the tree he was describing, feeling the wind flow past me as I reached my outstretched fingers up to the sky, feeling the warmth and life from the sun high above me, the whole nine. I felt the warm misting rain fall on my skin, felt it bead and slide away and rinse me anew. I was totally enthralled.

And then my mind wandered.

And I actually have zero recollection as to where.

The next thing I know, I'm hearing him ask questions about this past life I'm supposed to have regressed to, like what are you doing, who's there, etc. And I'm sort of answering these unconsciously based on my current life, until I snap out of it a little more and go "wait a fucking second. What just happened?"

Because half an hour had passed, and I don't remember any of it?

I remember the initial wandering of my mind. I remember feeling cozy and comfortable and everything. I don't think I slept, although not totally ruling it out, but if I did there were zero dreams to be had and that's honestly unusual for me by this point. I don't remember the initial mental wandering off or even my own answers to the questions that I was answering silently to myself on autopilot. There's just a big blank void, for thirty minutes of my life.

Considering what I was listening to, this makes me rather suspicious.

Also when I snapped out of it and started to wake up, I felt this cool energy sort of hovering above/coming away from the backd of my hands? Sort of like the cool air around an ice cube that's been left out to melt. Just kind of weird, no idea what that was.

Anyways, I work at eleven in the mornig, so I'm now either going to try a less stimulating video or just forego a video tonight entirely. My fridge is humming again and that might be decent enough white noise right now, who knows XD

[logan-after-dark]

March 4th 2018

Short, fun little dream (and I can't insert cuts on my phone apparently), so here goes:

I was at the hospital with my mom and baby brother, wearing one of those blue plastic gowns they put patients in, and the context was that this was a follow-up visit from last time. We were waiting in line to purchase my prescription medication behind this tall black gentleman with a shaved head. He was on the heavy side and wearing a black leather jacket, and had a very kind smile.

I was messing around as I do when I'm around my littlest bro, making him giggle and keeping him entertained. There was a bank of lockboxes right next to us, and I discovered that one of my keys would work to lock all of them (they were unlocked for the convenience of the nurses, but the lady at the register had a key to undo my handiwork if need be). So I was going through and locking them, making my bro laugh, and then the gentleman ahead of us in line laughs as his receipt prints. Apparently, my locking these boxes with my keys caused an item to be added to his bill.

4 Robots $0.00

We all laughed as we talked about getting four complimentary robots, him turning and thanking us for the robots before he left. I had locked significantly more boxes than that though, so my mother stepped up to pay for my meds and I continued with my shenanigans with my bro. We forget about it for a moment as she's chatting with the nurse and I'm playing with my bro, and then her receipt prints.

Fifty-three complimentary robots. FIFTY-THREE.

We all bust a gut laughing at that, the nurse asks how I'm feeling and I tell her "I'm not dying, so that's an improvement - and bonus, I just got fifty-three free robots!" We all leave smiling.