#i’m not really in the right headspace to articulate my thoughts as well as i’d like to

[bungee-gum-b1tch]

so 3.3 happened… what the fuck hoyoverse

rambling in the tags cuz i have way too many thoughts about this

[jisungsmochi]

somebody to you - hrj

somebody to you - renjun

behold,, the FINAL part of my nct dream x the vamps songs series! leaving y’all with something really wholesome and fluffy bc i’m inlove with renjun 

word count: 2.8k 

summary: huang renjun didn’t like relationships. he thought they were messy, and honestly, a waste of time. he had his whole life ahead of him, so why would he need a significant other to be happy? that was all until he met you, and thought to himself, maybe it wouldn’t be all bad...

read the rest here! 

//

I used to wanna be

Living like there's only me

But now I spend my time

Thinking 'bout a way to get you off my mind

renjun scrolled through his endless instagram feed, swiping through threads of his friends with their girlfriends. he would be lying if he said it didn’t make him

borderline sick. he was always a realist, never really seeing the point of having a serious relationship at such a young age. in his life so far, he’d probably say he’s only had one girlfriend, and it was a random girl he asked to prom so he wouldn’t feel left out. renjun was never opposed to love, he just wasn’t actively seeking it.

“dude i reckon you’re gonna like her! she’s super cool from the sounds of it, and she goes to our university!” haechan insists as the four boys sat down for dinner in their shared apartment.

“i don’t need you to set me up on a blind date. i’m capable of finding someone on my own, thank you very much” renjun rolled his eyes, fed up with the continuous discussions of his single status.

“yeah, and how’s that going for you?” jaemin chimed in, causing jeno and haechan to chuckle in response. renjun just scoffed, shoving his mouth with more food to avoid speaking further.

“give it a chance. the worst that could happen is that you don’t vibe with her and you never talk to her again” jeno tries his best to convince the stubborn boy. renjun just shrugs, his mind contemplating the idea.

“okay fine, one date. if you guys really think she’s soo good for me, let’s see how accurate you guys are” renjun snickers. he was not confident in their matchmaking skills at all, but he loved seeing them fail.

“perfect, i’ll set it up for you. just sit back, relax and be your boring self” haechan grins, tapping away on his phone. renjun ignores the cheeky boy’s comments, finishing up his dinner. his first date in over two years, this should be good...

I used to be so tough

Never really gave enough

And then you caught my eye

Giving me the feeling of a lightning strike

renjun was regretting this date already. all he knew about you was your first name and your uni course, nothing else. the boys had refused to show him any photos of you, claiming that it would be more ‘romantic’ if he fell for you at first sight...what a cliche, he thought to himself.

“how will i even know it’s her, if i don’t know what she freaking looks like?” renjun groaned, nerves slowly building up as haechan pulled up to the date location.

“i’ll point her out, okay? just trust me” renjun let out a short sigh, hands slightly jittery. why the hell was he nervous? it wasn’t like he was going to see her after this one date.

as renjun stepped out of the car, his eyes scanned the scenery.

“jeez, you guys really went all out for this date” he was amazed by the view. it was a restaurant that was by the water, multiple little boats sailing across it and the sounds of birds humming.

“of course, you only deserve the best” haechan winked, eyes looking for renjun’s date.

“dude what if she doesn’t even show up. does she even know what i look like?” renjun was slightly panicking at this point, drifting from his tough exterior.

“haechan?” a soft voice interrupted his thoughts. renjun’s eyes diverted to the owner of the voice. he felt stunned by the sight of you, dressed neatly in some jeans and a flowery blouse. you had slightly curled your hair, hands clutching to your purse as you greeted the two boys infront of you.

“hey y/n, this is renjun, your date for tonight! see you kids later, don’t get up to anything crazy” haechan chuckled to himself, shoving renjun to meet you. renjun almost clashed into your smaller frame, catching you off guard. you gently held his arms, keeping a small distance between you both.

“o-oh my bad, i-i’m renjun” he stammered, eyes meeting yours. you were slightly blown away by his looks...he was really attractive. well done, haechan.

renjun would say the same about you. even though he didn’t have a particular type, (as he found it kind of dumb tbh) he believed you could fit it perfectly.

“i’m y/n! nice to meet you” you widely smiled, renjun returning your expression as he pulled out his hand for you to shake. maybe this wasn’t going to be so bad after all.

Look at me now, I'm falling

I can't even talk, still stuttering

This ground I'm on, it keeps shaking

you were currently trying to hold back your laughter as renjun recounted the story of how he caught jaemin with his girlfriend...doing the nasty, during their first week of university.

“oh my goodness! were you scarred for life?” you slammed your fist on the table, causing others around you to glare. but renjun couldn’t even focus on them, attention solely on you.

“of course! it was the first week! like couldn’t they have just waited until midterms?” renjun chuckled at the memory, proud of himself that he made you laugh so much. he must be doing something right.

“you’re really funny, renjun. some of the other guys that haechan tried to set me up with were lowkey boring. i guess he sees me as boring too” you slightly frowned, watching as renjun piped up in his seat,

“y-you’re not boring at all! you’re funny! and pretty too” he muttered the last part, not wanting you to have heard. but you did. you decided not to linger on it much, afraid to make him too flustered.

“you’d be the first guy to say that” you shrugged, taking a small sip from your glass of water.

“have you had boyfriends in the past?” renjun suddenly asked, causing you to raise an eyebrow.

“i-uh i’ve had a few. nothing too serious though, how about you?” you curiously ask in return, watching as renjun looked down to his lap. he hesitated before answering,

“i’ve only had one girlfriend before. i’m not really an avid dater” renjun admits to you, hoping that you didn’t find him lame.

“oh neither am i! we have another thing in common! i feel like relationships can get really difficult to manage, especially if you aren’t in the right headspace, you know?” you started rambling, renjun stringing along to your every word. he found such beauty in the way you articulated your words. he was so entranced he almost forgot to respond.

“i totally understand how you feel, i’ve always thought that i should live my life to the fullest before i consider settling down” he commented, causing you to nod along. you really liked his answers, it seemed like you were both on the same page about relationships. you didn’t expect to enjoy his company this much, initially agreeing to go on the date so that haechan would stop teasing you for not having a boyfriend in uni yet.

you walked alongside renjun, waiting for your roommate to pick you up.

“i had a really good time tonight, renjun. thankyou” you kindly complimented, causing renjun to become more shy (if that was even possible).

“no thankyou! there were times i felt kind of awkward, but you really know how to carry a conversation” he smiled, watching as you started to get shy.

“are you flirting with me, huang renjun?” you teased, nudging his arm gently.

“so what if i am?” he nudged you back,

“well i don’t think i’d want you to stop” you smirked. before renjun could say anything back, your heard the familiar voice of your roommate urging you to get in her car.

“oh that’s my ride. i have to get going. this was nice, i’ll see you around renjun!” you hurriedly embraced the boy, placing a gentle peck to his cheek before rushing to your roommate’s car.

renjun still didn’t say anything back to you, his body frozen from your touch.

‘no no no’ he thought to himself...he was falling for her.

All I wanna be, yeah, all I ever wanna be, yeah, yeah

Is somebody to you

Everybody's tryna be a billionaire

But every time I look at you, I just don't care

“so are you gonna tell us about the date or do we have to call and ask her instead?” haechan teased as the rest of the boys sat in their living room. renjun has a book in his hands, wanting nothing more than peace and quiet after his long night.

“gosh, will you let me finish this chapter?” renjun huffed, causing jaemin and jeno to snicker. haechan pulled out his phone, holding it to renjun’s face,

“oh would you look at that? it would be a shame for my finger to slip and dial y/n” before he could continue, renjun hurriedly tossed his book to the side, tackling the pestering boy onto the ground, holding him down firmly.

“holy shit, did you get stronger?“ haechan could barely speak, still in shock from the sudden attack. renjun slowly leans back, letting out a tired sigh.

“you two are ridiculous, let’s cut to the chase, did you like her or not?” jaemin rolled his eyes, ready to hear all the tea.

renjun looked from side to side, not liking all the attention that was on him.

“i-she was really cool. honestly yeah, i did like her. but i don’t think she’s looking for anything too serious at the moment” renjun shook his head, thinking back to your heated discussion about relationships.

“okay that sounds like a cop out excuse. i think you’re just scared” jeno chimed in, the two other boys nodding along. renjun glared at them, trying his best to maintain his composure.

“yeah, i mean, did anything happen aside from good conversation?” jaemin continued to push, renjun now becoming more reserved. of course he trusted his friends, but they never really openly spoke about their feelings like this, it was quite new to all of them.

“she kissed me on the cheek before she left, does that mean something?” renjun muttered, watching as haechan tips himself over, now laying on the ground.

“you’re an idiot, must we spell it out for you? she’s totally into you as well” jeno groaned in frustration.

truth was, renjun wasn’t sure how to properly ask someone out, nonetheless be in a proper relationship with them. he was in desperate need of help...but all he had were his three idiot friends.

“i know i don’t know her well and all, but after she left, i couldn’t stop thinking about her. is this what it’s like to fall for someone? oh god...i’m falling” renjun started rambling to himself, jaemin and jeno now rested against him, shoulder touching either of his.

“the answer is pretty clear, man. go for a second date! make the move, she might be thinking the exact same thing” jeno shrugged, trying his best to advise his friend, the best he could. renjun bidded, actually agreeing with jeno for once.

suddenly, renjun felt his phone ringing. he immediately picked it up without looking at the caller ID.

as if you were listening in on their conversation, your voice rang through renjun’s ear.

“hello? is this renjun?” you nervously stammered, waiting for a response. renjun was completely frozen, his mouth hung wide as jeno pressed his own ear closer to the phone.

“y-yes this is him” renjun finally spat out, hands slightly shaking.

“oh great, this is probably coming as a surprise to you. but i uh, wanted to know if you’d be interested in going on another date” you were able to finish, heart racing as you held the phone tightly. renjun felt his heart stop after your words, jeno shaking him gently to snap out of his daze.

“o-oh yeah, i’d be really interested” renjun replies, mentally face palming himself for sounding a little too eager.

“amazing, i’ll keep in touch” you smiled to yourself, trying your best to contain your excitement. eventually you hung up, screaming into your pillow, kicking your feet up and down. was this how it felt to actually like someone?

“there’s your chance, don’t blow it!” haechan teased, throwing a cushion over to renjun who was still frozen well after the call had ended.

‘holy shit’ he mumbled.

//

the date you had planned for renjun, involved attending the local food markets they held once a month. you thought it would be a social enough setting for conversation to not get too awkward, as well as enjoy a variety of food. renjun met you at the bus stop, dressed in baggy jeans and a blue wind runner jacket. his hair was slightly styled, some strands gelled back. it really accentuated his facial features, making you admire him even more than you did before.

“you look really good today, i mean, not like you don’t look good everyday i’m sure you do..” you shook your head at your rambling, wanting nothing more but for him to laugh it off. renjun just smirked at you, planning another witty comment to respond,

“not as good as you though” he gently guided you to walk with him, his hand travelling to the small of your back. you slightly froze at the contact, but aimlessly followed him. he surely had his way with words.

as you both tasted some amazing food, renjun found him standing quite close to you. if you were trying a sample, he would stand behind you, his chest touching your back occasionally. it seemed really natural to him, and you didn’t mind it at all. he would often touch your shoulder gently to grab your attention, or pull you along by your waist. it gave you massive butterflies that you could shake off.

“did you want to start heading home? we can walk to the bus stop together” renjun offered kindly, his arm wrapped around your shoulder as you slowly made your way out of the large crowd. just as you were about to respond, rain started sprinkling from the sky. renjun quickly moved you to stand under some shelter as the rain came pouring.

“how the hell are we meant to walk in this?” you half shouted, clutching onto renjun’s side. he couldn’t bear moving you away from him,

“let’s just run, we can’t wait for it to pass” he suddenly took your hand, pulling you along as he bolted to the nearest bus stop.

“you’re so crazy, renjun!” you shout at the boy, giggling at the entire situation. before you knew it, renjun span you around, pulling you close to his chest.

“the only thing i’m crazy about is you” he confessed, catching you completely off guard. he had a habit of making such flirty comments, but this time you felt he wasn’t trying to joke around.

“w-what?” rain was washing over the both of you, your clothes completely soaked at this point.

“i really like you, y/n. i really freaking do. i didn’t want to admit it at first because i was scared of the idea of dating. but i want to be with you. i want to be somebody to you. everyone is out here trying to settle down and start their lives, but i feel like with you we can go at a steady pace. i don’t want to rush things, incase it gets messy, and difficult. but i just needed you to know that i really like you, and i hope it’s not all in my head that you like me back” renjun firmly confessed to you, eyes never leaving yours. you slowly raised your hand to wipe some rain drops off his face, watching as he smiled into your touch. he held you tightly in his arms, awaiting your response.

“renjun, i think i made it really clear that i like you back. i was also nervous about how you’d react, considering you weren’t really looking for anything serious at first. i think we should give it a shot, we can worry about all the stress and possible fights later on. all i know is that right now, you’re the only person i want to be standing in the rain with. now can you please kiss me?” you couldn’t contain your smile as renjun leaned into you. his lips pressing gently against yours. your fingers now running through his wet hair as he held your waist firmly. the kiss started getting deeper, the atmosphere really playing into the romantic nature of it all. eventually you both pulled away, foreheads presses against eachother, softly giggling.

that was the beginning of your relationship with renjun. despite having ups and downs (as expected) you both persevered and tried your absolute hardest to make things work. renjun finally admitted to himself: falling inlove wasn’t so bad...especially when it was with the right person.

[spoopy-sloth]

Israel song was published in January, you do know that they can't change the song after they submit it?

Yes, of course, I know this. I want nothing but the best for the singer, anon. Eden's song is strong, both vocally and message-wise. I mean omg her whistle notes???? Amazing!!! I love it.

I know I don't owe you or anyone an explanation as to why I'm in a weird headspace about what's going on with Palestine for years. I'd like to however explain why I feel hurt by the reality that as much as I love Eurovision and for the fun of sharing and singing experiences with the world, it is difficult to not think about what is happening outside the stage.

Idk if any of this makes sense, anon. I'm trying to articulate my thoughts.

It's the unfortunate reality that the timing of her song and what is happening is what makes me uncomfortable. It's not about her.

NONE of this is Eden's fault.

I want that to be absolutely clear.

My uncomfortableness lies in knowing what is happening right now (and has been for a while to be frank). The tension is soooooo incredibly heavy, and although this year's contest is not in Tel Aviv, you cannot deny that there are people who are feeling a cognitive dissonance knowing full well that Eden has NOTHING to do with the genocides yet feel some sort of responsibility to do something to support Palestine.

I created that post for myself, anon. It serves for me to openly say my thoughts aloud that yes- to me, with the awful timing of what is going on as an enthusiastic Eurovision fan, this isn't ideal.

I can talk more about the previous years of Eurovisions that has made me feel similarly, but really, I just wanted to say, yes. It's a strange place to be in my head to want to fully enjoy Eurovision without any worries about politics and whatnots. But I can't pretend things aren't happening. It's not Eden's fault.

There is no right way to say things. My attempt is this:

It sucks being a Eurovision fan when you cannot divorce the real-world hurt country leaders have done onto others.

[worryinglyinnocent]

Fic: Patience

Summary: Hohenheim and Trisha sleep together for the first time. It’s somewhat awkward considering that the souls are attempting to be helpful for once, but Trisha is nothing if not understanding, and what could have been a disaster turns into something sweet.

Rated: Explicit

Note: From what I can tell, opinion seems split as to Hohenheim’s sexual activities prior to settling with Trisha, but I’m in the camp that thinks Trisha was his first and only. I’m not going to go into my deeper reasoning here, but I headcanon him on the ace branch of the sexuality tree. Even after he settled with Trisha, I don’t think they had all that much sex.

Patience

It isn’t until they’re inside the front door and it has closed with a soft but very final click that Hohenheim begins to fully appreciate where this is going, and he feels a slight current of panic start to thread itself through his nerves.

It’s not that he doesn’t want to have sex with Trisha. It’s just that she’s the first person he’s ever had those kinds of feelings towards, and he knows that his lack of experience will show. How on earth can he explain to her that he’s still a virgin?

Prolonged life aside, she’s twenty and he’s physically thirty-six (he thinks – he never celebrated his birthday back when he’d been a slave). He really ought to have some knowledge. As it is, he’s got four centuries on her and he’s completely clueless. Four centuries and he’s never had sex. What has he been doing with his life? Not that, obviously. He’s travelled far and wide and he’s met many people, but Trisha is the first one he’s let get close enough for that kind of desire to develop.

Then there’s the ever-present hum of the souls. Trisha knows about them; there’s no way he would have let things get this far without warning her about the half a million unavoidable, if unwilling, observers sharing his headspace. She’s all right with the notion, but right now, Hohenheim himself is having some trouble with them. He’s learned to live with them, but he really wishes that they would all just shut up for five minutes. He knows they’re only trying to help in their own way, but the first time is daunting under any circumstances and absolutely not made easier by a few hundred thousand souls, all arguing with each other over the best way to go about this.

He’s even more confused once they all start yelling conflicting advice at him, and he’s about to give it all up as a bad job and take Trisha back to her own home when her arms slip around his middle and her mouth slants over his, soft but undeniably eager, and Hohenheim surrenders. Maybe, just this once, he’ll let himself have what he wants for a night.

She smiles at him as she breaks the kiss, and he feels one hand come down to his ass, pulling him in closer against her.

“Everything ok? You’ve got your thinking face on.”

“My thinking face?”

“Yeah. You look worried. I don’t bite, I promise.”

She’d said that the first time that she’d kissed him, and he’d been unable to articulate anything other than ‘arp’ for about five minutes afterwards.

“Trisha?”

“Yes?”

“I’ve never done this before.” The words almost fall over themselves in his haste to get them out.

“Really?”

Hohenheim nods, searching her face for scorn, disgust, mockery, expecting at any moment for her either to laugh or recoil, or just leave him standing completely dejected in his own hallway. Not even the few souls attempting and miserably failing to be encouraging in the back of his mind can stop the familiar nervousness of being truly terrible at interacting with normal human beings.

Trisha just smiles. “Well, there’s a first time for everything. I’m sure we can figure out what we’re doing between us.”

“I have every faith in you. It’s me I’m worried about.”

She laughs, but there’s nothing malicious in it.

“You’ll be fine.”

Hohenheim kisses her again, because at least he knows what he’s doing with that. And it’s not as if he doesn’t know the basic fundamentals of what’s about to happen. He could just do without the ‘helpful’ tips generating slanging matches inside his veins. At least they’re shouting at each other and not him.

“Please be quiet,” he hisses under his breath. Trisha touches a fingertip to the bridge of his nose, trying to smooth out the frown line there.

“Hey. Just ignore them for a while. I’m here.” She squeezes his ass and gives him a saucy little look that should be wrong on someone as sweet as Trisha but that does something to his insides and makes that ember of attraction burn a little brighter. “Maybe we ought to go upstairs?”

Hohenheim nods, letting her lead him up the stairs to his bedroom. At least the bed is made and it’s vaguely tidy, which isn’t always the case.

Trisha looks around at the books and paperwork that have spilled over from the study. “Are all the rooms in your house filled with alchemy?”

“Yes.” Considering he’s been known to draw arrays in toothpaste on the tiles before now, he can’t even claim that the bathroom is untouched.

Trisha rolls her eyes and begins to undo his tie.

“Oh, you’re wonderful.” She pulls him in and kisses him before he can respond, but there again, Hohenheim doesn’t think that a response is needed. Just more kissing, and Trisha’s hands finding his and bringing them to the buttons on the front of her dress.

“I think the next step is taking all our clothes off.”

Hohenheim would be lying if he said he has not thought about what Trisha looks like naked. He would be telling the truth if he said he hadn’t thought about it up until two hours ago, when the hints she’s been dropping for a while that she would very much like him to see her naked, and vice versa, ceased to be subtle and even he couldn’t misconstrue her desires.

Since then, it feels like he’s been thinking about it at least every five minutes.

Objectively, he knows what women look like naked. He’s seen enough of them – he’s been studying and practising medical alkahestry for hundreds of years. But there’s something very different about that context and this context, and his fingers fumble over her buttons, his mouth going suddenly dry as he pushes the dress off her shoulders, leaving her in a plain cotton camisole and knickers.

There’s colour rising in Trisha’s cheeks now, and for all she’s taken the lead so far, he’s reminded that this is the first time for her, too. He should probably do something that isn’t just standing here staring at her like a lemon.

“The bed?” he suggests.

“Good idea.”

He’s not quite sure how they manage to make it to the bed, or how Trisha manages to get his shirt off, but then she’s lying back against the pillows with her legs open in welcome, and she’s pulling him down on top of her, and he feels like he’s drowning in a very good way.

You can touch her, you know, some talkative soul points out, but there’s something in the back of Hohenheim’s mind saying that he can’t, that he shouldn’t, that he’s a monster and Trisha is, well, Trisha, and he doesn’t deserve her.

There’s also the fact that she’s petite and slender and he’s tall and solidly built, and he doesn’t want to crush her.

“I won’t break,” she whispers, as if she can tell what he’s thinking. “I’m not indestructible, but I’m not made of porcelain either.”

She reaches up and takes his glasses off, and he blinks a few times to readjust. He doesn’t actually need them; any optician would be able to tell at a glance that the glass is plain. But knowing that he has a doppelgänger out there, he wanted something to distinguish them, and he knows that the Thing in the Flask (no longer in a flask, more’s the pity) would never want to be seen as anything less than a perfect specimen of humanity. So glasses it was.

There’s another, more pragmatic reason. People are less likely to notice his unusual eye colour if they have to look through glasses to see it.

Hohenheim trusts Trisha. He’s never trusted anyone this much, not even Pinako, whose obstinate and enduring friendship is the reason he’s stuck around in Resembool long enough to meet Trisha and form a relationship with her in the first place. If Trisha says she’s ok, then he’s not going to pretend that he knows better than her.

So, he takes his chances, shifting his weight and bringing a hand to her breast, rubbing his fingertips over her nipple where it stands hard and pert against the soft fabric of her camisole.

Trisha wriggles under him, lips quirking up in an expression of pleasure.

“Mm. That’s good.” She pushes him back so that she can sit up, pulling her camisole off and tossing it onto the floor. The flush of self-consciousness is still there in her cheeks, spreading down over her neck and bare decolletage, but her eyes are bright with want as she brings his hand back to her breast. “Please. I want you to touch me.”

In that moment, Hohenheim doesn’t think that he’ll be able to deny Trisha anything for as long as he lives, because in that one simple sentence she’s given him a gift she’ll probably never truly comprehend the scope of. She knows his story, she knows about the souls, she knows about Xerxes, and yet she still loves him in spite of it. She still wants his hands on her, unafraid of him marring her in some way. She still wants him to be the first one she’s ever intimate with.

He leans in, capturing her mouth again and trying to pour all of the gratitude and need into the kiss, trailing down over her cheek and jaw and making her gasp. He pulls back.

“Are you all right?”

“I’d be better if you keep kissing me.”

Hohenheim is happy to oblige, continuing to circle her pebbled nipple with his thumb, and Trisha arches up into his touch, wanting more. He switches to her other breast, repeating the treatment and feeling a little pride at the soft noises she makes. He’s so focussed on her that he startles when he feels her fingertips trail down his arm.

“My turn. I want to touch you, too.”

Trisha’s touch is featherlight as she maps his chest with her hands, drawing out an involuntary shiver as her fingernails scrape over his own nipples, and she smiles that sexy little smile again at his reaction before moving downwards towards his belt and the now completely undeniable bulge below. A part of him can’t help being ferociously embarrassed by his body’s rapid reaction to what’s going on and moreover to the fact Trisha is in his bed wearing nothing but her knickers and she’s touching him and…

“May I?”

Her hand is hovering over his crotch, and there’s that drowning feeling again, and Hohenheim nods. She touches him so lightly, and yet he can almost feel her warmth through the fabric. Suddenly he’s very aware of human anatomy and the fact he’s a lot taller than Trisha and his cock is in proportion with his height, and she’s slim-hipped and unstretched, and this has the potential to be a complete disaster. He closes his eyes, attempting to focus on the here and now and trying desperately to ignore the bluster that’s started up in the back of his mind again.

It’s fine, it always hurts the first time. No, if it hurts then you’re doing it wrong. Virgins bleed the first time, why do you think we had to slaughter so many chickens on wedding nights? Shut up and let him breathe for goodness sake, he’ll be a nervous wreck any minute if you keep this up. If she bleeds then you’re being too rough. Why did we bother with the chickens then? The patriarchy, Mara, that’s why. Can we not get into arguments about the patriarchy right now? My first time hurt like hell. It’s called ‘making LOVE’, it’s not supposed to HURT.

“Hohenheim?”

He opens his eyes to find Trisha’s green ones full of concern.  She pushes him back up onto his knees and scooches up into a sitting position, her legs cradling his as she holds his face with gentle hands.

“Are you all right?”

“I…” Hohenheim sighs. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok.” Trisha smiles. She’s so accepting and so patient.

“I just don’t want to hurt you.”

“You won’t.”

“I might.”

“You won’t. If it’s uncomfortable, then I’ll tell you to stop, and you’ll stop. You won’t hurt me.”

She kisses him, softly but still with that ever-present fire, carding her hands in his hair to get him closer and giggling against his mouth when she gets tangled up. Hohenheim decides to cut his losses and pulls his ponytail loose. It’s probably the first time Trisha’s ever seen him with his hair down, and he watches her taking in the sight for a moment.

“You remind me of a lion, with your beard and your hair like that. It’s like a lion’s mane.”

In spite of the remnants of panic swirling through his veins, Hohenheim has to laugh at that, and Trisha laughs too, and she buries her face in against his neck.

“It’s ok,” she says. “We’ve got all the time in the world. Tonight we can just… be close.”

“Yes. I’d like that.”

They break apart by necessity, Hohenheim standing up to take his trousers off whilst Trisha gets comfortable between the sheets. She cuddles in close against him when he joins her, fingers dancing over his shoulder and down his arm, interlacing their hands and pressing a kiss to his palm.

“Feeling better?”

Hohenheim nods. “Trisha, I think you’re the most remarkable person I’ve ever met.”

“Thank you.” She giggles. “You’re definitely the most remarkable person I’ve ever met, but then I’ve never left Resembool, so I don’t have a very wide field of comparison.”

She trails her fingers back up his arm, down his side, round over his hip and up his spine, and Hohenheim feels his skin break out into gooseflesh under her touch. Trisha must definitely have noticed, but she doesn’t say anything, content to keep drawing patterns over him with featherlight fingertips. Emboldened by her ease, Hohenheim mimics her, lazily working his way over her soft skin until she nestles in his arms, closing her eyes with a smile and drifting off to sleep in his embrace.

For a long while, Hohenheim just watches her, the steady rise and fall of her chest, the way her breath disturbs the tendrils of her hair that fall over her face. No matter what else happens, he feels like he could get used to this, that spending every night for the rest of forever with Trisha here beside him, in his arms, would be better than anything else in the world.

The souls are still arguing in the back of his mind even as he begins to feel a sense of calm that he’s not felt for a very long time, if ever, and he’s content to ignore all their bickering as he feels slumber take him too.

X

For the briefest of moments when he wakes up alone in a bed that he definitely had company in before, Hohenheim is rather alarmed, but Trisha’s dress and shoes are still on the floor so she can’t have gone far. He rolls over, pillowing his hands behind his head and staring up at the ceiling. Everything seems different in the warm morning light. There’s less urgency, less energy, although still the same amount of desire. There’s time and space to think. Actually, that might not be a good thing. Overthinking everything was what led to all the trouble last night.

The souls are still at it, but they’re much more subdued now. Maybe they’ve realised that they’re not helping and are trying to give him as much space as they can. Maybe they got it all out of their systems whilst he was dead to the world.

The bedroom door opens and Trisha tiptoes around it, smiling when she sees him awake.

“Good morning.”

“Good morning. Did you sleep well?”

“Yes. I was surprised, actually.” She slips back into bed with him. “I thought that having another person there would make it difficult, but apparently sleeping with you is as natural as anything. Actually sleeping, I mean. Not the other kind of sleeping. Although maybe that will come naturally too. Oh, I don’t know what I’m saying.” She pulls the sheets up over her head in embarrassment.

“That’s ok. I don’t know what I’m saying either.”

Trisha emerges from her cocoon and leans over him, bending in closer and closer until she presses a kiss to the tip of his nose.

“It’s still pretty early,” she says. “And we don’t have to be anywhere.”

Hohenheim knows what she’s suggesting. Maybe they can restart what they cut short last night.

“We don’t.

There’s a pause then, a moment of stillness and silence, and Hohenheim realises that Trisha is waiting for him to take the lead. She’s far readier for this than he is, that was made clear to him last night even if neither of them actually said anything out loud, but being the perfect person that she is, she’ll go at his pace. As if he needed any more reasons to be head over heels in love with her.

He wants this. He never thought, in the past, that it was something he ever wanted. He always wanted to have a family, but after so long alone he’d accepted it would never be possible. Trisha has reignited the hope, and at the same time ignited something dormant that was perhaps never ignited before, the want to be as close to her and as intimate with her as possible not for the sake of itself but because she’s Trisha and she’s wonderful and he adores her.

Hohenheim pulls her down into a kiss that he hopes conveys all that. Her reaction is certainly encouraging, covering his body with hers and tangling her fingers into his hair.

“All right?” she asks breathlessly, cheeks tinged pink.

“Yes. You?”

“Oh, yes.”

She sits up and pulls her camisole off again, and now Hohenheim can fully appreciate the sight of her in the light. His hands follow a familiar course from last night, cupping her breasts and rubbing her nipples to pebbled points, enjoying the way her eyes close and her head tilts back.

“Maybe you could go lower?” Trisha takes his hands and draws them down her sides to the waistband of her knickers. The blush is spreading from her cheeks down over her chest again, and Hohenheim just sits up and stares as she slips off him and pulls her underwear off, leaving her gloriously naked and bathed in a sliver of golden sunrise.

Every language he knows, including the mother tongue he hasn’t spoken in so long, deserts him in that moment, and since he knows in the back of his mind he should probably do something that isn’t simply gawp at her like she’s a fairground attraction, he kisses her again. Trisha curls her arms and legs around him, keeping him close, and they stay like that for a long time until Hohenheim begins to feel his cock responding to her nearness again. He goes to pull away by instinct more than anything, but Trisha holds him tighter, one foot tracing up and down his calf.

“Don’t run away,” she murmurs. “I want to feel you. I want to see you.”

She releases her tight hold on him a little, and although there’s a part of Hohenheim that still thinks they’re about to get on a runaway train to disaster, he takes off his underwear.

He knows he’s never been this vulnerable with someone before, but it’s not uncomfortable with Trisha. She drinks in the sight of him like he did her, and then she’s pulling him back down into her arms, peppering him with kisses over his lips, cheeks, neck.

“Please touch me,” she whispers in his ear. “I trust you.”

That vote of confidence shores him up more than any of the misplaced encouragement the souls can give, and Hohenheim shifts his weight off Trisha, tracing his hand carefully down over her chest and tummy to the patch of soft dark curls on her mound. Her thighs fall open wider for him and he can feel the first traces of her wet and glistening arousal on her folds. His own pulse quickens at the thought of it.

“Is this all right?” He strokes along her slit tentatively, watching the way her hips jerk and wriggle against the sheets, pressing into his touch.

“Mm.” Trisha nods, her eyes fluttering closed, and then her hand comes down to guide his fingers to her entrance, hot and slippery and ever so slightly overwhelming in a very good way.

Hohenheim yelps as Trisha’s fingertips brush over the sensitive tip of his cock and she looks at him, startled.

“Are you ok?”

“Yes. That was just… Would you do it again?”

Trisha smiles that devilish little smile again, her tongue darting out over her lips as she curls her fingers round his length and strokes gently. Hohenheim’s masturbated before, he’s no stranger to this kind of touch but from a hand other than his own is something entirely different and indescribable.

“Are you ready?”

Is he? He’s pretty sure his brain’s only half there, but…

“Yes.”

It takes a lot of awkward fumbling for them to get into the right position and lined up properly, but Hohenheim knows that Trisha’s giggling fit is not directed at his ineptitude but at the entire situation, and he’d far rather that she was giggling and happy than not giggling and not happy. But then her arm is around his back, and her face is buried in against his neck, and he’s pushing into her and everything falls into place.

“Tell me if I hurt you.”

Trisha nods against his neck and Hohenheim begins to move slowly, going a little further with each thrust until Trisha’s hand stops him.

“No deeper, please. Not this first time, at least.”

The implication of there being a subsequent time after this one must mean that he hasn’t completely disgraced himself, and Hohenheim keeps going, as carefully as he can, Trisha’s thighs tightening around his back. He can feel the tension beginning to coil in the pit of his stomach, and Trisha is so warm and velvety around him. For a minute or so, his entire world is reduced to him, Trisha, and the bed frame under them; he can even drown out the souls.

He retains enough presence of mind to pull out before he comes, but not enough to be able to warn Trisha and stop her from getting her thighs covered in his sticky seed.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to, not inside you…”

Trisha just kisses him again, and for a long time, nothing more is said. Hohenheim rolls off her onto his side and Trisha follows him over, snuggling in close again as their legs get completely tangled up in the sheets.

She smiles softly, pushing his hair back out of his face.

“All right?”

Hohenheim nods. “More than all right. And you?”

“I don’t think we did too badly for a first attempt. And you know what they say. Practice makes perfect.”

“I think I’ll need a minute before any more practising.”

Trisha laughs. “You’re wonderful, and I love you.”

“I love you too, Trisha.”

The souls are blessedly quiet as he continues to lie there in the rising sun with Trisha in his arms, never wanting to let go of her.

There’s a part of him that knows it can’t last. She’s human, he’s immortal, the entire thing is doomed before they even start, but Trisha is different to anyone else he’s ever met over the course of his long life, because Trisha gives him hope. She gives him the drive to not just accept his fate and resign himself to never making this kind of connection with another person. She makes him want to fight against the inevitability of what will eventually come. She makes him want to be mortal again, to regain a normal life and live it out with her. She makes him believe that somehow, somewhere, the means to do it are out there and he can achieve it. She trusts him despite everything he’s told her about himself, and although he’s barely trusted anyone since he made the mistake of trusting the Thing in the Flask, Hohenheim trusts Trisha with every soul in his veins.

She makes him believe that, just maybe, he’s worthy of love and happiness after all, and for Hohenheim, that’s a gift far more intimate than what they’ve just done.

[prince-of-elsinore]

On the Weechesters that could have been

Or, Supernatural has a flashback problem

So, I've been thinking a lot about Dean's confession ("I didn't know what I would've done if I didn't have you," "it was always you and me") and how it shapes my view of season one and my pre-series headcanons. On the one hand, it really only confirms what we could already infer, but on the other, it enshrines as canon, beyond a doubt, just how big a deal the events of the pilot were to Dean, how much he wanted and needed Sam in his life. Meaning Dean already knew back then that Sam was it for him. It's possible he didn't fully examine or accept this until after Sam had left, but either way, the groundwork for that need was laid in their childhood. Despite various complaints Dean has voiced over the years (either jokingly or seriously) about having to look after Sam, all he wanted at 26 was to have his brother at his side again, and that could only arise from true affection and attachment--and yeah, an unhealthy dose of codependency.

And we know the affection and codependency run both ways, even if it wasn't as explicitly stated on Sam's part, especially in season one. Personally, I trust Jared Padalecki to understand Sam best, and he's said that Sam's happiest moment was committing to getting back on the road with his brother--despite the fact that back then, Sam's assumption was that he would return to his normal life after they found Jess's killer. Jared has also said something to the effect of "Sam loved his father and brother so much he had to leave" which definitely reframes his decision to go to Stanford--because of, rather than in spite of, his love. How to make sense of these statements? They only track if Sam really is just as smitten (in the platonic sense) as Dean. In spite of whatever resentment he had towards Dean, he loved him (keep in mind, the deeper the love, the deeper the potential resentment) and, importantly, liked him, and was intrinsically tangled up in him. Everything Sam does and says makes perfect sense if you accept that Sam loved his family, but hated hunting. Of course he's upset that the father and brother he loves and needs go out and risk their lives all the time. He's right to be. And of course he would be especially upset that his brother doesn't even try to imagine a different life for himself, that he takes their father's word as law despite the damage it does to Dean. And, when Sam finally does leave, it hurts him that Dean doesn't try to understand his decision because it would shake Dean to his foundations to consider that Sam might be right, let alone to consider following him out of the life (as I believe Sam would have preferred, though he probably knew it was a lost cause). Dean can only see it as Sam abandoning him, even though for Sam it was always about leaving hunting, never about leaving his brother. Sam wanted nothing more than his brother on his side, by his side, and it broke his heart when Dean seemed to choose John over Sam. The tragedy of the Stanford split is that Sam and Dean each thought their worst fear was confirmed--for Dean, that Sam didn't need him, and for Sam, that Dean hated him--even though this really wasn't the case.

So, why this digression about the old Stanford grievance and the boys' headspaces in the pilot? Because I wish so much we got to see how they got there--and the flashback episodes, for the most part, do not show us. In fact, there's a frustrating pattern of flashbacks that don't really corroborate this textually-supported characterization of young Sam and Dean. Almost universally, the flashbacks concentrate on the brothers in isolation from each other, either physically or emotionally (or both). That's not to say that they're all bad episodes or that they don't reveal other important information about Sam and Dean. It does, however, give an overall skewed impression of their "normal" as kids, and presents something of a paradox in considering the Winchesters' childhood. We see, textually, that the brothers must have been extremely attached to each other growing up, beyond just Dean's sense of duty to look after Sammy (which is hammered home again and again, and again...), but this isn't the impression most flashbacks give. Let's take a closer look:

1x18 Something Wicked--Sam is too young to be much of player. It's all about Dean and his sacrifices/responsibility for Sam--all important stuff, but aside from Sam offering Dean the prize in the cereal box, there isn't much evidence of actual affection between them. Dean appears only put upon--fair enough for a young kid given such (way too much!) responsibility, but it's to the complete exclusion of any potential positive emotion, even fondness, for Sam.

3x08 A Very Supernatural Christmas--This flashback is the exception, and it's why it's my favorite! This was a crucial moment for the brothers in their young lives, when they chose each other over anyone else. Sam trusts Dean, not his father. Dean tries to put on a nice Christmas for Sam because he feels it's his job, yes, but he then experiences genuine gratitude when Sam gives him the pendant. They lean on each other. They comfort each other. In short, we see the why and the how of their relationship. I wish every flashback accomplished what this one does.

4x13 After School Special--The focus is mostly on Sam and his relationship with Barry and that English teacher, with a big emphasis on Sam's dissatisfaction with his life. That's super important, but I can't think of any moment between Sam and Dean that reads like anything other than pretty average brothers... which they are decidedly not. The episode drives home the diverging desires of the brothers more than anything.

5x16 Dark Side of the Moon--Not strictly a flashback episode, but we do glimpse important memories in Sam and Dean's heaven. Dean's 4th of July memory is iconic for a reason--it's one of those rare moments we really see why these brothers feel the way they do about each other. They're having actual fun together--the only time we get to see young Winchesters doing that! We all know which of Sam's memories were in heaven, though, and how that made Dean feel. Now, it makes sense that Sam would cherish moments when he was getting away from The Life, but the fact that the writers again chose to prioritize this (beat a dead horse, one could say), over showing a single good memory Sam had of the family he supposedly (actually, really!) loves, feels wrong and motivated solely by the plot's need for more artificial brother drama. Could anyone really blame a casual viewer for believing that Sam doesn't love his brother as much as Dean loves him? And yes, one can make excuses--Sam probably had lots of heaven memories of Dean that weren't shown! Zachariah was messing with them!--but it's still on the writers to make that clear.

5x23 Swan Song--I'm including this one for the flashes we get of little Sam and Dean in the Impala. These are beautiful moments, but it amounts to telling, not showing: we get toy soldiers and legos, and a brief shot of Sam and Dean carving their initials. What we don't see is the impetus behind that action. We are essentially told how to feel about these things. (Don't get me wrong, I think it's still a really well done episode and I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel exactly what it wanted me to feel--I'm just pointing out a pattern.)

7x03 The Girl Next Door--Dean is only present as a voice on the other end of a phone call (do we even hear him? Can't remember. Don't think so). Oh, and Sam has doubts, yet again, about hunting monsters. Hm, I think we've been here before. Sam has an instant connection with a girl he just met and he seems ready to put her before his family. I get that he doesn't want her to die, which is sympathetic. But again, one would be forgiven for thinking he does not care about--or even actively hates--both John and Dean. Maybe he does hate them a little bit in this moment, and wouldn't that be interesting to explore? (Cue Jared saying Sam had to leave because he loved John and Dean so much! He couldn't stand the thought of it all turning to resentment! It makes so much sense!) But, alas, the episode just doesn't go there.

9x07 Bad Boys--This time it's the Dean show, and we get to see Dean finding happiness away from his family, even if he needs some time to warm to the apple pie life. Okay, cool to know this about Dean. And the moment at the end is interesting, and gratifying for brothers fans, since Dean doesn't seem pulled back out of a mere sense of grudging obligation to Sam--he gives such a genuine, loving smile when he sees him. He wants to go back to Sam. But it's just a gesture, telling rather than showing again. We don't know why Sam makes him feel that way.

11x08 Just My Imagination--The only brother interaction, over the phone, doesn't reveal much about how the brothers feel about each other, though it does hint that Dean would ultimately come down on their father's side when John and Sam were at odds. Dean asks John, on Sam's request, to bring Sam along on a hunt, but he doesn't press the issue when John refuses. If anything, this leaves me more curious than ever about what the good in their relationship looked like, if Sam was so often disappointed by Dean's kowtowing to their father.

Sully seems a bit like English Teacher 2.0, encouraging young Sam to figure out what he wants for himself and reject the family business. I think it's quite well done and sweet, actually, and it's nice that in the end Sully actually thanks adult Dean for looking after Sam (how rare for anyone to acknowledge that), and Dean likewise comes to appreciate Sully. In the flashbacks, we learn that Sam was eager to join in hunts when he was little, which is interesting and sad when you think about how that changed. Already, though, he must feel pretty ambivalent, because he's seriously considering running away at the same time. Ultimately, Sam chooses his family--articulating that what he wants is to be with his dad and Dean--and rejects Sully's message of self-determination. He makes the decision that may not be best for him, but he's motivated by love. It seems in character, and hints at the claustrophobic pull of the Winchester family. Yet again, though, we are left to fill in the blanks ourselves about why Sam wants to be with his dad and Dean. In fact, the motivations for his two apparently conflicting desires--to stay or run away--are never very clearly laid out. We don't know what, specifically, Sam doesn't like about the hunting life, when part of him also wants to hunt, and we don't know what it is about his family--what good memories, desires, or needs--that draws him back to it.

15x16 Drag Me Away (From You)--It's unfortunate that the young actors had no chemistry whatsoever, but the script also didn't do them any favors as far as displaying their dynamic. Dean has a moment of vulnerability (if you squint) over Sam thinking about college, but aside from that, it's almost amazing how little the brothers interact, given that they're staying in a motel together, on their own. What a missed opportunity. Can you imagine if the episode had focused even a little more on Sam and Dean, rather than on their interactions with those other random kids? If it had given us just a fraction of the relationship "A Very Supernatural Christmas" managed to show in such an understated, poignant way? You wouldn't know these brothers liked or loved each other from this episode. When Dean said "We made a good team" I was honestly baffled because they barely did anything together. You could argue Dean was reaching with that statement because he was desperate, but again, there's nothing actually shown to back that up.

Ultimately, what these flashbacks show can all be true--it doesn't negate what we know about Sam and Dean from the show's present. Of course, like any brothers, they teased and annoyed the hell out of each other. Of course they had vastly diverging desires for themselves and their lives--that's sort of the premise of the show and characters in the early seasons. These aspects of their relationship are true, but these aspects are not the whole story, which is why it's frustrating that almost every flashback focuses exclusively on these things. From the flashbacks alone, you might think Dean is only about "protect Sammy" (and later, "order Sammy around") and Sam is only about "I hate my life (and by extension, family)." Most of us could tell all along--and the finale confirms--that there's another story underneath this one, though, of two brothers who are soulmates, destined to find each other like magnets again and again.

But this requires the astute viewer to do a lot of legwork in characterizing the brothers' childhood dynamic beyond what's shown--partly as a result of some logistical and practical issues (especially with child actors), to be sure, but mostly of lazy writing. There's a difference between respecting your audience's intelligence enough not to spoon-feed them every detail, and expecting them to pick up the slack and make excuses when your characterization and plotting is inconsistent or one-note. This is far from the most egregious example of this in Supernatural, but the finale had me thinking more closely about what is canon for the pre-series era, and it drove home how much it applies to the flashbacks.

So what would I have liked to have seen? What it comes down to is interaction between the brothers. The only flashback where we have both brothers in equal focus, interacting with each other rather than outside characters, is "A Very Supernatural Christmas." It's impossible to show the progression and significance of a relationship when you consistently show only one side of it at a time (or don't even focus on said relationship when both parties are in the same room--looking at you, 15x16). Sam and Dean are the heart of the show, and they should have--together--been the heart of the majority of flashbacks. It's not that Sam wasn't a lonely kid, but as Dean says to Sam in "Just My Imagination": "You had me!" Of course, Dean's memory is skewed--he isn't thinking about all the times he went off with John on a hunt and left Sam behind, and hell, even when Dean was supposed to be babysitting, we know from "Plucky Pennywhistle's Magical Menagerie" that he sometimes dumped Sam. But I can't believe that Dean is totally wrong, either. Sam and Dean must have been each other's best--only--friends, living the life they did. What we see rarely looks like friendship, and it certainly doesn't track as a basis for the codependency we see in the series present, starting with the pilot. That didn't come from nowhere, though.

I would have loved to have seen that first hunt Sam went on in Milwaukee, after he left Sully. I would have loved to have seen Dean, proud of his little brother becoming a hunter. Or Dean, looking out for Sam on a hunt (and treating Sam's peril like a bigger deal than he does in 15x16, where it barely phases him). I wish I'd seen the moment that made Sam reject a future as a hunter, after his initial excitement. Did something happen on a hunt? Was it the violence of it? The brutality against a monster with a human face? Or the peril? Was there a moment when Sam's life was in danger? Or perhaps, a moment when John's or Dean's was, that scared Sam even more? I wish I'd seen Sam grappling with how leaving hunting would mean leaving the family he loves. I wish I'd seen him mention it to Dean, try just once to convince him to try a different life, and get shot down. I wish I'd seen more of the Dean who wants to give Sammy the world, struggling with the increasingly impossible task of balancing Sam's wants and needs with John's orders. Dean, caught in the middle of their arguments and torn apart by it. Sam, hurt when Dean doesn't back him up. Dean, terrified that Sam might actually follow through with that college pipe dream. Perhaps all of this would have been indulgent (not to mention difficult to film, with the right child actors and JDM), but even part of it would have allowed for some nuanced characterization.

More than anything, though, I would have liked to have seen a few more of the good memories, because they are actually important to understanding the characters and the story. It's not about fluff; it's about showing rather than telling. What are the good memories that made Sam love Dean and even his dad? Sam's anger towards their father is all the more compelling and believable if there is a fierce love underneath the layers of resentment and betrayal. And you know what's even more sad than a kid whose dad didn't make it home for X occasion? A kid whose dad did come home, just once, and the kid who enshrines that one perfect memory because they don't realize how messed up it is that it's such a rarity. Or, if it wasn't John making it home for one holiday, maybe it was the one time Sam remembers getting John's approval in some way--it could be any number of small things. The good that a character holds onto, no matter how small a scrap, says a lot about them. And the same goes for Sam and Dean. Where was Sam the social outcast, wanting but struggling to fit in, grateful that at least he doesn't have to put on a pretense of normality around his brother? Dean, feeling the same, though he'd never admit it? Dean, talking Sam up rather than tearing him down? How they felt safe, comfortable, only with each other? Even if they both had to act a certain way to earn the other's approval or admiration, that act must have felt worth it for the reward. Where was the Sam that looked up to and tried to emulate Dean, and the Dean that cherished that more than anything? Where were the moments of fun, the contentment Dean felt when he managed to put a smile on Sammy's face? The small acts of rebellion that united them, however briefly, against both their father and the world? The fireworks scene has to do so much heavy lifting all on its own, in the face of all the flashbacks that repeatedly give the opposite impression.

People are complex, of course, and we're fortunate to have two such complex characters as Sam and Dean. Both the good and the bad of their childhood, and their relationship with each other, are true, but the writers chose to emphasize one side much more than the other when it came to the flashbacks. As much as I'm a believer in the power of the audience's imagination and of transformative works, it is still up to the writers to guide that imagination in a certain way. Unfortunately, in the case of the flashbacks, that guidance is off-track and unbalanced at best, and negligent misguidance at worst. The story of Sam and Dean only makes sense with a more balanced picture. It only works if it really is about two brothers who love each other more than anything. It only makes sense if there's much more to their childhood relationship than we were shown. Now that the series is over, we won't be getting any more flashbacks (unless prequel series? Unlikely haha), so we're left to fill in these gaping blanks on our own. At least the finale gave us some good crumbs to work with.

[misssophiachase]

AH where klaus and caroline are on a dating show! :)

I love this anon! So much fun : ) Hope you like what I did.

Perfect Match

“Welcome to Perfect Match,” the host greeted, sending her a smile of overly white, pearly teeth.

“Thanks for having me,” she lied, sending her a fake smile, pretending she actually wanted to be there. 

Caroline was going to kill Katherine and Bonnie and dump their bodies in the woods where no one would find them. She’d told them it was basically pimping her out but they were neither remorseful or apologetic.

When she’d received the call to go on the show, Caroline thought it was a joke. She’d barely broken up with her ex-boyfriend a few months earlier and was definitely not in the right headspace to date again, let alone on national television. 

Apparently, word had spread fast about a possible appearance and her boss Jenna had decided it was the perfect opportunity to plug her wedding planning business. Caroline was one of three consultants in their boutique operation and she not only loved the job she needed to remain employed. 

If that meant going on some stupid dating show she’d do it, albeit begrudgingly. 

“Caroline is from San Fransisco and works as a wedding planner,” she cooed, her attention returning to the camera. 

“Yes, and, if any of your audience or viewers are looking for a business in the Bay area that cares about you and your wedding Save the Date is for you.” Caroline smiled sweetly, reeling off what they’d rehearsed and yeah it sounded just as cheesy as it came out. 

“Yes,” she murmured, obviously not impressed she’d been interrupted. “She’s recently single and is looking to find the love of her life and plan her own wedding.” Caroline had to fight the urge to roll her eyes at all of the cliches. 

Yes, she was a wedding planner but that didn’t mean she necessarily wanted to plan her own. 

Okay, she was lying. 

She did. 

But her best candidate and she had decided they should break up because between their busy working schedules they barely saw each other. It was all true and seemed like the right choice at the time. Then she’d tried to move on. 

But Caroline was realizing it was difficult to move on when she missed him and was still in love with the idiot. She really hoped he wasn’t watching right now because that would be completely embarrassing.

“So, what are you looking for in a man, Caroline?” She asked, interrupting her thoughts.  

“I suppose someone professional who is honest, kind and caring,” she reeled off the usual traits they spruiked on these types of programs. “Oh, let’s not forget a great sense of humor too.” She received a few stray laughs for that as predicted. 

“And is there anything you don’t want in a potential partner?”

“British,” she blurted out, without thinking, drawing some collective gasps from the live audience, probably thinking she was some sort of racist. “I mean just the accent.” The host gave her a curious look, her shock evident. “Well, what I mean to say is not too strong. Don’t want to misunderstand each other, do we?” 

If Caroline could have hit herself in the head for that stupid and completely unscripted remark she would have. 

“Okay...”

“Oh and no dimples, I mean they are just an occupational health and safety incident waiting to happen.” Now she was giving her a downright confused look. She really needed to articulate better. “Trust me dimples can be all kinds of disarming and I don’t need that kind of a distraction right now. And while we’re at it don’t get me started on crimson-colored lips, stubble you know the sexy kind and dark, blonde hair. Also, no one witty or intelligent because that’s just asking for trouble.”

“Wow, those are incredibly, uh, specific, Caroline. Maybe it’s time we meet your suitors,” she murmured awkwardly.

Caroline couldn’t help that she rambled but it happened when she was nervous and obviously it didn’t help that all she could think about was Klaus bloody Mikaelson in all his British, dimpled gorgeousness and the fact she really wasn’t over him as evidenced by her terrible performance. 

As she was introduced to the three guys on the other side of the wall, Caroline could barely concentrate. 

Number one was called something with an S, Steve or Stefan maybe? Well, she thought so anyway. Number two was talking about weight lifting and exercise but it was number three that caught her attention.

“Not sure if I should just go home right now.” That was his introduction in all it’s sexy accented goodness. 

Was that?

It couldn’t be? 

Right? 

Before the host could continue Caroline spoke. She figured after all of that rambling and script changes, it probably didn’t matter anymore. 

“Contestant number three, are you putting on that accent?”

“Maybe I should have given your thoughts about the British,” he replied and she could tell a smile was playing on those lips. “But I really think you are giving dimples an unfairly bad name.”

Caroline smiled broadly, deciding that this was the best decision she ever made. Maybe she wouldn’t bury Bonnie and Kat just yet. 

“Given you seem opposite to everything I want, tell me why I should choose you, number three?” 

“Well, I’m house-trained,” he began. “I’ve learned to relinquish the television remote and not to switch channels too fast. 

“Well, I am looking for a partner, not a pet,” she replied thinking he learned them from her. “Although, all very impressive so far.”

“I love my job, it keeps me busy but I’ve also learned that it isn’t the most important thing in my life and I can juggle both that and the woman I love.”

“That’s a little forward given you’ve never met me, contestant number three.” 

“When you know you know I suppose. I also couldn’t think of anyone else I’d want to spend my life with, any chance I can come over there and ask you a little question, love?” She released a breath she didn’t know she was holding. 

The host, who had been clearly confused was now smiling broadly. Caroline nodded and before she knew it her ex-boyfriend was kneeling at her feet, a diamond ring in hand. 

“You tricked me!”

“Caroline,” he mumbled. “We’re on live television, do you think maybe this could wait until after?”

“But why are you proposing to me on live television, on a dating show of all places?”

“She’s like a dog with a bone,” Klaus chuckled, turning around to the audience in order to explain. “I thought the proposal needed to be as epic as the wedding will be with you planning it, love. It’s the least you deserve.”   

At the time, Caroline couldn’t really remember what happened. There were tears and hugs and a really pretty diamond sparkling on her left finger. But at least they had a video to remind them. 

[laraslandlockedblues]

Ok actually I know the tags on my gif post I just did said I wasn’t sure when I’d be back, but I’m feeling strangely articulate tonight so here we go. Long-winded under the cut.

TL;DR - Real life is (and will continue to be) a busy bitch, a writer’s ego is a fragile thing, and my Lightning Struck series (Cullen/Evelyn) can now be considered on indefinite hiatus.

Hi! Yes, I’m alive and well and I really do appreciate the messages asking if I was all right and checking on me. You’re all too sweet and kind, and I’m so grateful for each and every one of you. Keep that in mind as this ramble continues, please.

This has been a weird year already, and it’s only March. Normally I’d be like “IT’S ALREADY MARCH?!” but no, this year...It’s only March. That’s how I’ve been feeling.

January started off with a weird mood for me. Over the holidays I had the usual  family stress and blahness that comes with adulthood, but a few fandom things happened too that put me into a rather...difficult headspace, shall we say. For one thing, I will say I’ve noticed I’m not the only one who’s pointed out that it feels like the fandom is dying. And it is. Which is sad. I feel like I only just got here - I’ve played DA for years but I only really started to interact with its fandom in late 2017, so for me it was still all fresh and new and exciting. Seeing that die down, compounded with the Tumblr wank, especially, was really disappointing.

As a creator, too, it was hard not to take that personally. It was hard not to take people moving on to other fandoms and interests and things as an indictment on my work. Rational brain knew that that was the problem, rational me knew that we were all just moving on because other things were catching our interest. It’s natural. But dumb, idiot writer brain was struggling with the fact that I was feeling like I was screaming into the void.

What bothered me more was that I even cared. I never once wanted to care about that. I always preach writing for oneself, and that’s why I write. But I hated  the fact that for a time I’d gotten so much feedback that I noticed its absence when it died down a little. And that’s not anyone’s fault, I’m not begging for comments or feedback, seriously. Again, rational me was shrugging and still wanted to write for me because it was fun and I enjoy it, but the fragile writer ego we all carry around inside us took a hit and began to doubt.

It stopped being fun. Especially because it wasn’t necessarily a total lack of feedback - it was, for me, a lack of feedback on what I was actually, currently working on. Over the holidays for some reason I began to get comments on WIPs that I hadn’t updated in ages - asking me for updates. Now, everyone has their own opinion on those sorts of comments, so this is only my own, and take it with a grain of salt and everything I just mentioned above.

It sucked. It absolutely, 100% sucked. Seeing the email notification that I got a comment would bring me so much joy - only to open it to see that it was a comment on something I hadn’t written for in a long time asking me when I’d feel like providing more content for that fic again. I began to feel like fic was a transaction and I was piling up debts. I started to feel like I owed fandom and readers what they wanted, instead of doing this for the reason I started in the first place - for myself.

I know that Rylen is niche. I know that fics that have very little to do with canon are niche. I know that Abby isn’t always super likable. I know that John is off-putting because he’s such a morally ambiguous OC who has nothing to do with DA and makes really shit decisions. I know all of that, and I’ve never expected any of those fics to get any sort of response, so the fact that they’ve gotten the response that they have still blows my mind and makes me insanely, insanely happy. And so I hated that I felt ungrateful, and that I was doubting my work, and that writing and fandom was beginning to feel like a labor and not something I loved.

The more I noticed I was struggling with working on updates, the more I started to think a break might be in order. When some RL stuff finally cropped up, the fact that I was sort of forced into a break was a blessing in disguise, to be honest. I leaned into the skid and let myself step back to reevaluate why I do this and what I want to get out of it. I fell into a new fandom and worked on random pieces of writing for it, which I threw into the voids of ao3 on a second account and only shared for myself and a few friends who were also falling into that fandom with me. I rediscovered the joy of writing and not caring what response I get. I reignited my love of crafting a story a certain way because I wanted to and not because I thought it was where anyone else thought it should go.

I remembered why I love writing in the first place - for myself.

And with that, I finally began to let go of some things, and let myself mull over decisions I’d been putting off or avoiding. I shrugged off the stress of expectation and “owing” anyone my time or effort, and I’m finally back to enjoying myself and my writing, free of doubt.

With that, I have some news, good and bad. The bad news first - my Cullen muse has left the building. I have waited, and hoped, and tried, but at some point he walked out the door and he hasn’t made an appearance since. That isn’t to say that I don’t still love his character or content about him, but personally, I can no longer write his POV or romance. The ability to do so has eluded me for months now, but I’ve accepted this sad truth at long last. Unless he’s trading banter with Rylen or Abby, his muse is no longer whispering in my ear. And that makes me sad, and for all I know he’ll reemerge some day, ready to help me write again. For now, though, that isn’t possible. Which does, unfortunately, mean that my Cullen/Evelyn WIPs are currently either abandoned or on an indefinite hiatus (I’ve tagged them appropriately on ao3 if you’re curious). If I do manage to return to them, I expect to only focus on Moments Passed and Miss Grey. As for what I’ll do about Beautiful Disaster...I’m not quite certain yet.

It did also mean that I was able to let go of something that had bothered me for a while as well. I’m almost positive no one noticed since it’s been kind of off radar for a while, but - my fic What Are the Odds has been orphaned. I’m still proud of it as a fic, but it came with a lot of baggage and my Cullen/Evelyn pairing was just ever so slightly OOC to the point that comments on it made me cringe. I’m a firm believer in not deleting, and so off to the fandom as an orphaned work it went, to be enjoyed without me having to be aware of it at all.

Now, the good news is - I do 100% still plan on writing Abby/Rylen. Their muses are still there and whispering to me, and I definitely want to continue working on the WIPs I have for them. At the moment After Rain might be slow to update (need to figure out how I’m navigating some canon plot to get me from point A to B to C to D and on). But I plan on trying to finish it as well as the others that I have for them. Abby/Ry live on, because I absolutely love them so much, and the idea of writing for them is back to bringing me joy.

I cannot make guarantees on update speed for the foreseeable future, possibly for the rest of the year. Currently RL continues to be a shitshow, as I was reminded today, and writing more than a sentence here or there has been difficult. In a few months I will also be moving, and once at my new destination I actually have a Big Project (a writing one I hope to be able to share here, if people are still around/Tumblr is still a thing) that I intend to make my full time focus. My goal has always been to be a writer, and while fanfic has been an amazing way to explore my writing style/storytelling/character voice, I have plans to get published. I’ll have a better opportunity to put those plans into realistic action later this year, which I’m actually really, insanely excited about.

If you have made it this far, THANK YOU. I love this fandom, and I’ve met so many wonderful, lovely, supportive, talented people in it and I have missed you all dearly during my time away. In no way was this a call out post directed at anyone in particular, and in no way was this a “woe is me, please give me attention” cry for help. I’ve just had a lot of thoughts and feelings during this break, and I actually wanted to sort of vocalize them because: 1) wow I already feel better after doing so, and 2) to let other writers know it’s 100% valid to need to take a break or occasionally get in your head about needing validation/feedback/wonder why we do this when it just feels like screaming into a fathomless void. It’s natural and normal and totally human, and if you’re feeling that way, find someone supportive to help you through and take a step back. Everything will be waiting there for you when you’re ready for it. And remember - do it for yourself because it’s something you enjoy.

xx

[whiskeyandacigarette]

My mom visited...

I hadn’t seen my mom in four or five years until a few weeks ago. It was, to say, an interesting couple of hours. It took me a few days to unpack everything and that’s continued the last few weeks as well. I’m not completely sure I even fully understand how it affected our relationship.

The last time I saw my mom, it was at my grandparent’s funeral. They’d wanted to have a joint funeral so we waited until my grandma passed, they didn’t die together or anything. She wasn’t looking too great at that point and I was taken aback when she came into the church. At that point, it’d actually been close to 10 years since we’d seen each other. Since then, things have only gotten worse. She’s clearly not taking care of herself and I honestly don’t even know how she’s living. No job, living in some random trailer somewhere. It’s concerning but I really don’t know what to do about any of it. Is this getting to the point where I may have to start sending money to cover expenses? Pay for insurance? Other things that people do for their parents? The worst part is, she’s only 60. She had me very young so to see her like this is bizarre even though we haven’t been particularly close during much of my adult life.

That concern aside, much of what left me in a weird headspace was the conversation. I decided to just go for it and ask questions about things I hadn’t in the past. The first big question was whether or not she knew my father was alive, whether she was in contact with anyone from his family. The answer was ‘no’ and was followed by, “Fuck him.” Which, fine, that’s completely expected if I’m being honest. I never heard from him growing up, partly because she forced him to stay away, according to my grandmother. What she said next was a little more absurd and alarming. “Besides, it was a toss-up between him and Mike anyway.” This was /not/ something trivial you just throw out there. “Mike” was the guy we moved to Texas with when I was younger. He beat my mom. He was also a Mexican guy with a daughter a few years younger than I was. My mom laughed as I looked at her incredulously and then said, “Don’t worry, it wasn’t him.” I’d always thought they met after my parents split up but apparently she knew him at the same time and was fucking them both when I was conceived. The capper to this is that when I got my DNA tests done, the “Native American” category lists “Mexico” as the subcategory. Perhaps the Lakota guy in our family’s history was originally from down in Mexico and moved to the plains but honestly, at this point, who the hell knows and I’m just going to stick with the idea that my world wasn’t casually turned upside down.

From there, the majority of our chat was about random things here and there and catching her up on some of my friends. I gave her some money when she finally had to leave and she said, “You’re the only thing I ever did right.” I let her have her lingering hug because I didn’t know how to react to that. Like I said, once I broke it down and saw just how little we’ve seen each other since she moved to Nevada and what little I remember as a child, I just don’t know that I have this same strong feeling of love. Yes, it’s my mom and I love her but I can’t quite articulate where that limit stops and why it feels more topical than it likely should. I imagine I’ll spend plenty of time trying to answer that as the days go on. She and I spoke relatively frequently - for us - in the weeks that followed, usually by text. Things have gone back to normal now, I guess, because it’s been close to a week and a half since we’ve texted each other. Maybe things won’t change and we’ll go back to the same routines or maybe we’ll find a way to chat more. I’m still not sure which I prefer.

[ebp-brain]

Year in Review Meme

Tagged by @ruinsplume. Thank you! (posting on my fandom/personal sideblog)

1. List of works published this year (2017):

When The Wolf Comes Home (Remus Lupin/Sirius Black, 2.5k, Teen)

Spent Q (Q/007, 3k, Explicit)

Pull Together Men (Steve Rogers/Bucky Barnes, 2k, Mature)

Split Q (Q/007, 2k, Explicit)

Brighton and Venice (Albus Dumbledore/Elphias Doge, 3k, Gen)

As if the World Should Roll Itself Out Like a Cloak (ACD Sherlock Holmes/John Watson, 4.5k, Gen)

The Weather Inside (Remus Lupin/Sirius Black, 43k, Explicit)

Ghost of Winter (Remus Lupin/Sirius Black, 3k, Teen)

Night Travels (Remus Lupin/Sirius Black, 6k, Teen)

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

“The Weather Inside.” Hands down. It felt like a bit of a breakthrough for me, both in terms of prose style and what I was trying to do with it. I’d been thinking a lot about the experience of constructing a sense of self by keeping one’s thoughts and feelings tightly locked up, and both wanting and not wanting to let them out--about my own experience of doing this. And when I started writing I began to pour all that into the fic in a way I hadn’t done before. It’s both very personal and very theoretical (like, more or less inspired by a grad seminar about Eve Sedgwick) and that mix is just about where I’d like to be right now. I tried to stick really really close to Remus’ pov in order to investigate his internal experiences, and I feel like it mostly worked. And in trying to describe his intense inner life my language got sharper and more vivid. 

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

I feel like the longer it’s been since I wrote something the more likely I am to give it the side-eye, so these relatively young fics still seem okay to me. (: The fics I’m least attached to are probably the Q/007 ones, which I’m not displeased with but which, as installments in the only true PWP series I’ve ever written, have the lowest “sex-to-thinking about sex” ratio of all my fics and are therefore are the most low-impact for me.

4. A favourite excerpt of your writing:

From “The Weather Inside”: But to let go of the way he feels about Sirius is to give up a part of himself and Remus isn’t sure he’s capable anymore of discerning how big that part is or even where its boundaries lie. Keeping his desire locked tight inside him for so long has given it precisely the power Remus wanted to withhold; with no outlet, no place to go, it has woven itself like a creeper vine into all the darkest recesses of himself, into all his hollows and chambers, his tiniest cracks and crannies; unfurling itself in the only way it knows how, insidious, climbing, it has woven itself into the very fabric of Remus. There is ivy at Hogwarts, Professor Sprout told his class once, that can never be removed, because it has become so entangled with the castle that the stones themselves would crumble without the plant to support them.

5. Share or describe a favourite review you received:

One comment on “The Weather Inside” articulated the dynamics between Remus and Sirius so clearly that I’ve been thinking about it ever since: that Remus says and believes he is opening up when he’s actually doing so very much on his own terms and is consequently still withholding a lot. I’ve thought about it in terms of the story and also, you know, my life.

Also, I have to share this one because it’s the most delightful way of describing the experience of reading a fic I’ve ever encountered in my comments: I'm shattered, really, I feel like I have been emptyed (emptied? Damn, I'm sorry, I'm Italian and I'm still learning) with a spoon, but oddly satisfied, as if the person who ate me said "Oh well, you were delicious, thanks!"

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

You know, the actual putting of words on paper for “When the Wolf Comes Home” wasn’t so difficult, but I wrote it after a serious breakup as a way to sort of get at the situation sideways (neither the feelings nor the events much resemble the real-life thing but the general angst needed to come out) and I listened to the Mountain Goats and felt intense grief the whole time I was writing, which is its own kind of “really hard.”

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

This is also not quite answering the question as intended, but I was surprised when I was working on “As if the World Should Roll Itself Out Like a Cloak” how much Watson’s voice still felt right, despite the fact that I was picking up a fic I’d written 9/10ths of four years earlier, in a fandom I’m still fond of but no longer frequent regularly. Although my thoughts about coming out and queer self-revelations have shifted pretty significantly since then, it was a little surprising to realize that Watson’s sudden life-changing epiphany in that fic actually does still resonate with me.

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

1. I realized just how much I could articulate my own issues and perceptions through fic, and that that’s the stuff people actually end up liking most, and 2. I started this fandom/personal sideblog and actually worked up the confidence to start talking to people, and 7 years after first getting involved in transformative works-based fandom I finally understand what a rewarding social space it can be. And that has affected the way I write and think about writing in such joyful ways.

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

More friends! More self-analysis turned into self-insert fic! A continued ruthlessness towards my own prose until all cliches and boring sentences are burned to ashes!

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

I’ve had some incredible conversations with @bigblckdog about writing and thinking and feeling in the last few months that have been seeping into the recent writing I’ve been doing. And everyone who has said hi on Tumblr has warmed my socially anxious heart and made me feel encouraged and excited to keep working.

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

Haha see #2 and #6. I don’t think any specific events or people showed up in a direct way in fic but the frustration and pain and relief and excitement and pleasure and self-scrutiny of the past year are all there in “The Weather Inside” and my other Remus/Sirius stuff. Also, Remus’ overwrought emotional response to rain in “Night Travels” is mine. 

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

WISDOM seems like such a big word. Write the stuff that’s closest to home, whatever that means, and it’s likely it’ll hit someone else right there too.

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

I keep mentioning this non-chronological Remus/Sirius fic about “thinking,” and I’m really truly working on it! I’m on chapter 4 of what will likely be 10 and because I’ve got my qualifying exam for my PhD program in the spring I’ve decided not to start posting until I’m at least halfway through, but it’s coming along. If “The Weather Inside” was about what I’d call interiority--the experience of a significant inner life--this one is about Remus’ relationship to thinking, broadly understood: the way that feeling and thinking don’t seem separate to him, and the way his erotic experiences are propelled by thought or some sort of headspace, and the struggle to be compatible with someone who is all about Doing Things, aka Sirius Black. It’s got too many references to Muggle literature and a lot of fraught conversations and I’m really excited about it. You know, also, I have a weird confusing relationship to femslash that I’d sure like to deal with at some point, so maybe some queer Ginny will come out of that.

14. Tag three writers whose answers you’d like to read.

Can I tag my Tumblr social anxiety? jk do these if you want no pressure you’re great sorry to bother you lol: @bigblckdog @toyhto @montpahrnah

*All answers should be about works published in 2017. Also, you can skip any questions you hate or don’t want to answer, but please leave them on the list so that others can do them if they want.

[spaceorphan18]

Finding Kurt Hummel: Wonder-Ful

Masterpost

4x21: Wonder-Ful

Oh, hey, it’s the Steve Wonder tribute episode.  And now that I think of it - it’s been a while since we’ve had any kind of tribute episode.  Anyway - after what feels like forever, the really nice thing about this episode is that Kurt’s story really starts to get moving again.  And it really doesn’t get put on pause again through the rest of the series.  And that’s kind of nice. 

Also interestingly - we’re at the end of season 4.  And I’ve seen a lot of commentary on how a lot of season 4 and 5 seem to be one big season.  I can see that - and yet, at the same time I think there are some definite tonal shifts between the two seasons.  And I actually think that starts here.  

There’s a lot about season 4 that’s dark, especially in the first half of the season.  But for some reason, there’s a drabness to the season, especially on the New York side.  And then starting here - because Ryan Murphy is an odd duckling and becomes obsessed with things like the color orange -- the show gets a new light, and becomes bright and colorful and cracky again.  And I find that interesting that it comes after an episode called Lights Out.  Like we turned out the lights and turned them back on to this much happier and brighter place.  

Maybe the whole Shooting Star-Sweet Dreams-Lights Out stuff was meant to do that? Maybe not.  I don’t really know.  But what I do know is that tonally, this episode and the next feel more like they belong with season 5 even if they are wrapping up this season and even if the beginning of season 5 feels like an ending to this season.  There are no clear cut lines anymore. 

Coming Home

First of all -- let’s talk about the fact that Kurt has a Men of McKinley calendar.  How do you think he got that? My thought is Tina, tbh. 

So, Kurt’s packing to go back home -- my guess is that it’s spring break.  (Based on the fact that Rachel is taking a midterm, this sounds about right.)  And Burt’s going in for a check-up on the cancer.  Kurt is - understandably - very anxious about the whole thing.  He’s a kid who has already lost one parent, and the thought of losing the other one is unfathomable.  But on top of that - Kurt and Burt have grown pretty close in the past few years, which would make the whole thing even more devastating.  

I don’t think the development of OCD characteristics is completely out of nowhere.  Kurt is a guy who, even like he says in this voice over, likes to be in control.  And his dad having cancer is not something he can control.  So the OCD manifests out of the anxiety.  And, Kurt’s always been a particular person - it does make sense that he’d be even more so when under stress.  

I feel like this opening sequence is important to understand Kurt’s state of mind.  It’s clear how anxious and nervous and scared Kurt is about his dad’s health.  And in the privacy of his own home, while alone, he shows it openly.  But when he gets back to Lima, he’s much more collected and confident - the Kurt that the outside world is used to seeing.  

Coming back to Lima means he gets to see everyone else, too.  Which means Blaine.  Cause - c’mon.  Is he really there to see Artie or Tina or the Newbies? I mean really? 

Kurt says it feels weird to see Blaine again - and he isn’t quite sure what he’s feeling.  Well, I’m gonna quote @flamingmuse​ from her post here - cause I think she articulates what’s going on far better than I can, I think it’s exactly what’s going on: 

“See, I don’t think Kurt does know how he feels about Blaine.  His anger and pain have subsided, but he doesn’t feel the same way he used to.  He doesn’t have that fluttery, giddy, young love, first love kind of feeling in his stomach.  His heart doesn’t leap, his palms don’t sweat, his breath doesn’t catch just to see him.  It’s not hard to look at Blaine anymore, but it’s not the same bubbly joy-filled experience, either.

Yet he looks at Blaine and is at peace.  He is comfortable again, more trusting, more willing to let his guard down.  He lets Blaine hold his hand, he links arms with him, he looks right into his eyes, he talks to him openly, he can even have sex with him without becoming the lovestruck, overwhelmed boy he used to be.  He doesn’t know what that is. He doesn’t know what that means.  All he knows is that it doesn’t hurt and it isn’t the same.  It doesn’t feel like what it was like to be in love before.

He’s only experienced that first flush of love before, and he doesn’t know that all of this is love, too.  He doesn’t know that if he lets Blaine in again he’ll remember how to catch fire and flirt and all of that but that it’ll be different now, more mature, a bit more weathered.

Kurt isn’t sure what he feels, because he doesn’t know that what he feels is a much more adult love.”

And I think this speaks to everything that goes on around this episode - and this time period.  It’s a transitioning period - away from the pain of the break up, but also away from that young love feeling.  Kurt (and Blaine) are growing up.  And they still have a lot of learning to do, but we’re entering new territory here. 

Kurt also is grateful he won’t be alone that week.  He doesn’t just have Blaine -- but Mercedes and Mike are back, too.  And Kurtcedes is definitely not dead as Kurt lights up when he hugs her.  After all these years - Kurt has a firm support system, and it’s really nice to see. 

I’m bypassing a lot of what’s going on in the choir room scene -- because Will’s back to teaching, and he’s already annoying me.  Kurt takes on an old role as he spouts some of the exposition - explaining that Mercedes is back in town because she’s shooting a video for a possible record deal, and he also shuts Kitty down, which I don’t fully know how I feel about because I don’t think Kitty needs to be taken down.  But - you know, last time Kurt and Kitty interacted, Kitty was whining about her ice latte being too cold, so I can see where it came from.   

Meanwhile, Tina’s upset that Mercedes and Mike have been called in to help the Glee club.  And she asks if Kurt’s back to help them with their fashion choices, to which Kurt deadpans that his dad has cancer.  The best part is Blaine’s reaction - which is basically a ‘shut up Tina’ moment.  

Dirty Cute

So - they’re back in the Lima Bean, which now has considerably better lighting, lol.  And Blaine’s all excited about gay marriage.  Hm.  Wonder why?  It’s nearing the end of the year, and Blaine’s finally getting to think about his future - going off to college, going to New York, the possibility of getting married.  Yay - exciting times.  But Kurt - Kurt’s settled on the present, on the reality that he has to face over his dad’s health.  It’s funny - it’s like a reversal of the previous year - where Kurt was in the clouds about the future, and Blaine was more concerned about the present. 

Anyway - the dirty cute line.  Oh, Blaine, you are so awkward some times, and it’s adorable.  Kurt says in his opening monologue that he’s not hooking up with Blaine this time.  And I took that to mean that they’re not doing the whole ‘let’s be friends casual hook up’ thing anymore.  But also, Kurt’s not in the right headspace at the moment.  Yeah, he rolls his eyes a little at Blaine’s flirtatious comment.  It’s not unwelcome, but it’s not just the right time, because Kurt’s got heavier things on his mind.  

So - there’s a lot going on in this scene. While Mercedes joyfully bubbling about her album, Kurt is rearranging the sugar packets into little piles.  And it’s something Blaine picks up on, because he knows Kurt - and this is not normal Kurt.  (And Kurt is excited for Mercedes and her future prospects, even if he is distracted a bit himself.) 

And then Mercedes asks what’s going on between Kurt and Blaine - cause she was at the wedding, and knew what was going down.  We don’t actually get a Kurt reaction shot, but Blaine chimes in stating that they’re friends and that’s cool.  Which is what Kurt’s standard line was from back in I Do.  They might be talking again, but they haven’t had /that/ conversation yet - and Blaine knows not to push it - especially right now.  

But Blaine also knows the ‘just friends’ thing is also not exactly correct.  And in this scene, and in this episode, Kurt is acting differently around Blaine.  He’s relaxed around Blaine - more so than he was, even, in I Do.  That strange, awkward tension that’s been with them in the past isn’t there so much anymore. They’re in sync again - I mean, just look at how they react to Mike when he suggests changing Mercedes’s lyrics.  The dynamic’s changing - not so much back to what it was, but moving forward together again. 

Mike brings up the whole Tina thing with Blaine, and that’s when Kurt kind of loses it.  Cause that’s trivial compared to what he’s going through.  Mercedes reassures him - she holds his hand and tells him it’s going to be okay.  And Blaine holds his hand as well -- and silently reassures him, in that secret language they have going.  It’s a sweet little moment of (re)connection between the two of them. 

Superstition

Okay - so there are really only two things I’d like to point out about this scene/performance - 

1. This song is from Mercedes to Kurt - basically showering him with optimism and is her way of letting him know everything’s going to be fine. 

2. Kurt and Blaine are dancing together again, and it’s cute.  Kurt looks like he’s having a good time pretty much throughout the whole song. 

Also - something I noticed doing this but this scene must take place in the morning - he goes to his dad’s appointment - and then sings to his dad later that afternoon.  Because Kurt’s wearing the same outfit in all three of those scenes.  Well then... 

In Remission

Well - Carole’s probably the strongest person in that office.  Kurt’s pacing and freaking out about Burt’s wardrobe choices - cause dark blue is close to black and black means death and no.  And Burt’s having a hard enough time without Kurt freaking out on him.  It’s probably a very rare thing for Burt to yell - but it’s a release of the stress more than it is actual anger.  

So the doctor comes in and basically recounts what’s been going on.  Interesting to note that Kurt says his dad has completely changed his diet.  I’m guessing that even from New York - Kurt played a role in getting his dad to be healthy again.  I mean, we’ve seen first hand how Kurt has taken care of his dad, I wouldn’t be surprised if Kurt was on the phone nearly every day making sure things were going smoothly.  

So - the doctor says that the cancer is in remission, and we all sigh a breath of relief as Glee doesn’t take everyone’s favorite adult character from us. 

Meanwhile, it’s loving hugs all around as they all celebrate.  And Burt exclaims that he wasn’t done living yet - as there’s so much to do.  He’d like to see Kurt get married and have kids.  (Foreshadowing? Yes - that’s foreshadowing.  I’m of mind the writers knew exactly where they were going with the story.)  And have old people sex with Carole - to which Kurt is like ‘oh god’ amidst his happy tears.  But Burt learns again - that it’s all about living in the moment.  

And for Kurt - this is a huge, huge weight off his shoulders.  His dad isn’t going anywhere.  He’s so happy and relieved.  His foundation is pretty solid.    And because of that - he can turn his attention to other things... 

But first -- Kurt would like to celebrate by singing a song to his dad, one that his dad used to sing to him when he was a kid.  

He also mentions that he’d like to celebrate one of life’s greatest gifts - a second chance.  And the camera pans to Blaine.  I feel like they’re trying to tell us something ;) 

While not a favorite Kurt solo - it’s adorable and sweet and Kurt does sound good on it.  The choreography is a little ridiculous - but I can almost imagine a little Kurt coming up with all the dance movies a long time ago.  And the whole point is that it’s a lot of fun - and that Burt just loves it.  

(Man - I wish I had more to say about the number, but I just don’t.  The lyrics are pretty straight forward - as it’s a song about how much Kurt loves his dad.  And...that’s about it.  Ah well.) 

It’s a good day for Kurt :) 

Mercedes

Man - it’s almost like season 3 Kurt is back with that hat. Maybe that’s the point? Maybe Kurt’s feeling like his old self again? 

Anyway - he’s bopping along and having fun while Mike and Jake do their thing.  And he seems happy. Man - when was the last time Kurt seemed happy (other than when watching old sitcoms with Santana).  

We get into Mercedes’s subplot here - about how the record producers want her to look a certain way that she’s not comfortable with.  And the fact that image means more than content in show business -- which is a good conversation to have, really.  And Kurt (and Mike) are supportive and indignant on her behalf.  And it’s nice to see Kurt get to help out someone who isn’t Rachel.  

But importantly - while they’re friendship is rare and pretty much background these days - Kurt and Mercedes are still very good friends, and every interaction they have points to that in this episode.  They’re supportive of each other, and they have each other’s backs - and it’s really nice to see.  

Ah man the hoopla over this moment at the time.  No, Kurt’s not blowing anyone kisses.  But he is saying ‘what’s up’ to Blaine.  Yay!

Anyway - Mercedes is gonna do her own record instead of comply to the producer’s demands.  And she has Mike and Kurt passing out Mercedes’s CD (which, wow, did they burn those all last night or something?) - and Mercedes is gonna try to make it out on her own.  Which is crazy hard but admirable.  

And then Mercedes sings Higher Ground - and Kurt’s adorable again bopping along to her song.  I kinda love by the end he’s wearing her jacket.  They’re both so adorable. 

Marriage

Alright - so this scene doesn’t have Kurt in it - but I feel like it’s important to cover.  Basically - Blaine asks Burt for permission to ask Kurt to marry him.  And Burt thinks he’s crazy.  

A couple quick things first -- Burt thinks of Blaine a family.  Burt pretty much already sees Blaine as a son-in-law.  And we get a little mention of Burt in congress -- and that his main campaign is gay rights.  Whoo! 

So - here’s my thing about this marriage stuff.  Out in the real world - no, I don’t think teenagers should be getting married.  I think being that young - there are still a lot of things that you need to learn and go through.  However, I do know people from my own high school who got married and are still married.  I don’t think it’s impossible either.  

Do I think Blaine’s being impulsive? Yes -- I think after the school shooting stuff, and wanting to prove his commitment to Kurt, he’s trying to secure his future in the only way he knows how.  And I get that.  Do I think it’s the worst choice in the world? No - because this isn’t the real world - and Klaine’s story, even as it changes into a more adult love story, is still (and always) a fairy tale.  And marriage and happily ever after is a part of that.  

Burt, meanwhile, has some interesting advice to give out, too.  For one - he points out that you should get married because you love the person, not because you love an idea.  And right now, yeah, Blaine might be a little preoccupied with the idea.  (Though I don’t doubt that they both love each other for who they are.)  He also points out that being married is hard - and it’s a sentiment that will be echoed in season 5.  Big time.  It’s something, interestingly, that Klaine gets to deal with a lot in the last third of season 5.  

And then Burt tells Blaine that he should trust that their love will carry them through what ever hard times.  That they’ll be able to work things through without the need of giant crazy proposals.  I’m not sure if this is good advice or not.  I’m not sure if this is what Blaine needed to hear (it’s definitely not what he wanted to hear).  But this whole scene I don’t think was for Blaine.  I think it was for the audience, to reassure us that the writers are going to give us endgame Klaine.  And we should trust in the narrative.  

But also - I’d like to point out that Burt knows his kid.  And he knows that Kurt still loves Blaine.  And even though this whole thing is happening pretty fast - he knows how the story ends.  Just like we do. 

What a Wonderful Life

Kurt doesn’t really do anything here but sit on that stool and listen, and that was going to be that...  

But then Artie gives an impassioned speech about passion - and I thought it was super interesting. 

Artie: And passion can be a scary thing but we shouldn’t run or hide from it because passion is wonderful, yo. 

Idk - it just felt relevant ;) 

(Omg - the Cassie/Rachel scene after this still feels like the opening of a porno or something.  What even? Rachel: Ms. July, I’ve never been so nervous in my life.  <------ actual thing Rachel says.) 

Ah man - this is one of my favorite little moments from season 4.  Blaine’s wants to ask Kurt something, and yeah, he gets pretty cute when he’s nervous.  Also - note that Blaine says it’s gonna take some courage to ask Kurt something.  Probably a deliberate use of the word courage ;) 

I’m not sure what Blaine wanted to originally ask - but it probably wasn’t about regionals.  But, yeah, he wants Kurt to stick around longer - cause, you know, it’s Kurt.  And Kurt, after all the stuff with his dad is behind him, after he’s finally in a good place about /them/ - is pretty open to whatever Blaine is asking.  And he’s rather surprised when it isn’t something more than just sticking around for regionals.  He’s probably waiting for Blaine to ask him out on a date - or maybe something more.  

And here’s the thing - Kurt’s ready.  He’s in a place where getting back together with Blaine is back on the table.  He loves Blaine, he does know that.  And they’ve seemed to have worked out some of their shit - even if we really haven’t seen it on screen.  And he’s back to a being in a good place in life, so why not take a chance and let Blaine in again? 

Well - Kurt says yes to sticking around for regionals - even though he had already planned to.  And he does seem surprised, and maybe ever so slightly disappointed that Blaine doesn’t ask him more.  He tells Blaine that he should know that Kurt would have said yes.  And I feel like the subtext is a bit more - like if you ask me out Blaine - I’m going to say yes.  

And then they walk out together arms looped together - and Kurt’s grinning.  They have one of my favorite exchanges. 

Kurt: What a wonderful, wonderful week. Blaine: With you in it, a wonderful life. 

And then they change clothes for this performance (Artie did say to meet back at the auditorium at 4) because Ryan Murphy has become obsessed with the color orange (and yellow apparently).  

Omg - how happy Kurt is during this song.  And he and Blaine exchange this giddy look while the lyrics sing out: “I’m not alone anymore”

What do you guys think - they had a quick-y before coming to join the rest of the group? I would not rule that out as a possibility. 

I think Klaine’s back on, ya’ll.  ;) 

[cristinaholtz]

by

Gina Tomaine November 27, 2018

Top teachers share the yoga and meditation books that impacted them the most.

There are some books that stick with us long after we’ve finished turning the pages. These are the books that become a part of who we are— a fabric of our being, so to speak. They influence us when we think about our practice (and our lives as a whole, really), and they affect our headspace and outlook every time we step on our mats and sit on our meditation cushions. 

They’re the kind of books that are worth reading again and again. 

To dig into the power that the best yoga and meditation books can have to change our lives, we asked top teachers which yoga and meditation books have changed theirs. Teachers cited books that were favorites because they were easy to return to again and again, as well as books that made a difference at a pivotal moment in their lives. 

See also Need a Good Read? Start with these Yoga Books

Read on for the 10 best yoga and meditation books, according to 10 top teachers around the country.

The Wisdom of Insecurity by Alan Watts

“My mid-thirties were a dark time. I was depressed, but too trapped in fear to change my life,” says New York City yoga pro Joe Miller. “While I had been practicing yoga on and off for years, I had never really explored yoga philosophy. Then I ran across a used copy of Alan Watts’ The Wisdom of Insecurity. Watts’ message—that we can’t have security without accepting insecurity, that our desire to cling to what’s familiar only creates suffering—resonated with me. Watts helped me see that the fact that there’s no life without death, or light without darkness, could be a cause for joy and reason to live more fully. I eventually read nearly every book he wrote and dove more deeply into yoga practice. Within a few years, I had started teaching yoga and was much healthier and happier. It wasn’t just Watts’ book, of course, and it’s still hard for me to accept “the wisdom of insecurity,” but the glimpse he offered of another way to live came at just the right time.”

$13, amazon.com

See also 16 Poses to Instantly Boost Your Confidence

The Living Gita by Swami Satchidananda

“I love this version of the Bhagavad Gita,” says Stephanie Snyder, founder of San Francisco based Love Story Yoga. “We include it in our teacher trainings and I reference it all the time. Some of it can seem a little dated, but still, its super accessible. It also has some great stories that help explain some of the ideas in a very engaging way.”

$16, amazon.com

See also The First Book of Yoga: The Enduring Influence of the Bhagavad Gita

Yoga and the Quest for True Self by Stephen Cope and Buddhism Without Beliefs by Stephen Batchelor

“I read Stephen Cope’s book while I was going through a devastating break-up,” says Andrea Ferretti, host of Yogaland podcast. “I was in my early 30s and wanted a life partner and a child so badly and I thought I’d found him. Cope writes so honestly about his own life in this book—but more importantly, he writes with compassion for himself and for the reader. At one point, he talks about his own breakup and how he sobbed while saying to a friend, “I tried so hard…” and then it dawns on him that he has to let go of the fruits of his hard work, just as Arjuna has to let go of the fruits of his actions in the Bhagavad Gita. It helped me so much to read about Cope’s own struggles, and to see how he relied on his practice to get through them. He gave me hope that I would see through to the other side—and I did.”

$12, play.google.com

See also The Power of Self-Inquiry for Uncovering the Real You

Bringing Yoga to Life by Donna Farhi

“It’s my favorite book,” says Mary Beth La Rue, Los Angeles based yoga teacher and founder of Rock Your Bliss. “She writes about the practice and philosophy of yoga in such a grounded, applicable way. I have probably underlined every other sentence in this book and can always open it and find a new gem to contemplate and put into action in my life.”

$14, amazon.com

See also Yogi Assignment: Ahimsa in Action, Post-Election

The Secret of the Yoga Sutra by Pandit Rajmani Tigunait

“I’ve found I turn most to Pandit Rajmani Tigunait’s books on the Sutras,” says New York City-based yoga teacher and DoTerra ambassador Elena Brower. “It’s erudite, accessible, and articulate. His translations of each thread consistently land in my practices of both yoga and meditation, and I’m grateful to have such a resource so close at hand.”

$20, amazon.com

See also Elena Brower’s Yoga Sequence to Create Space + Find Clarity

Do Your Om Thing by Rebecca Pacheco

“I actually keep this book on my nightstand. Sometimes I pick it up and just start reading at a random spot, and it often seems to be the message I need to hear right at that moment,” says singer, kids yoga and meditation pro, and author Kira Willey. “Rebecca makes the philosophy of yoga completely accessible and easily understandable—it’s funny and serious in all the right places, and just totally works for me.”

$10, amazon.com

See also 11 Poses to Help Kids Feel Brave

Training in Compassion by Norman Fischer

“Norman Fischer is an incredible mindfulness and zen teacher for beginners,” explains Los Angeles yoga teacher Alexis Novak. “He has a few books that are specifically for novice meditators looking to learn more and start a practice. He takes traditional Zen practices and gives them modern language and application.”

$14, amazon.com

See also 4 Ways to Practice Compassion in a Pinch

The Journey Home by Radhanath Swami

“It’s a modern-day version of The Autobiography of a Yogi—an inspired and compelling true story of a young man’s spiritual quest for meaning, connection, and ultimately his transcendence,” says San Francisco-based yoga teacher Giselle Mari. “It galvanizes the reader to reflect on their own journey and reminds us all that we have the potential to connect to our highest Self. Having spent time with Radhanath Swami has only forged a deeper respect and honoring for all he endured to become one of the most impactful spiritual teachers of our generation. This is a must read.”

$17, amazon.com

See also 6 Gifts Yogis Will Love, Inspired by the Root Chakra

The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali by Sri Swami Satchidananda

“This is the yoga book that impacted me the most,” says yogi and author of Strong in the Broken Places, Quentin Vennie. “I’ve always been fascinated by the philosophies of yoga, not just the practice of asana. As someone who has battled severe anxiety and depression, I needed more than just a physical connection—more so a way to change my thinking. I had to learn that my anxiety wasn’t my enemy, but it was my guide. This book guided me to yoga, meditation and an overall better quality of life. The practice of non-attachment allowed me to separate myself from my many mood disorders, which helped my healing process.”

$12, amazon.com

See also Relieve Anxiety with a Simple 30-Second Practice

Meditation & Mantras by Swami Vishnu Devananda

“It’s simple and straight forward,” says Pradeep Teotia, a yoga teacher in San Francisco. “I like that in life, things should be simple and straight forward so we can focus better.”

$7, amazon.com

See also This One Simple Practice Will Change How You Feel About Yourself

About the Author

Gina Tomaine is a Philadelphia-based writer and editor. She is currently Deputy Lifestyle Editor of Philadelphia magazine, and previously served as Associate Deputy Editor of Rodale’s Organic Life. Her work can be seen in Women’s Health, Runner’s World, Prevention, Good Housekeeping, and elsewhere. Learn more at ginatomaine.com.

10 Best Yoga and Meditation Books, According to 10 Top Yoga and Meditation Teachers by Gina Tomaine November 27, 2018 Top teachers share the yoga and meditation books that impacted them the most.