#i'll distract myself for now i think i've been really a mess lately i'm stressed w school n helpless w not writing enough but i'll be fine

[peaceliliesandtea]

on this episode of sophie's life is a mess

ok i am mega stressed. on one hand, so far so good with the adhd meds. in a way it's kind of upsetting the way everything is so much easier for me when i take them, mainly when i'm studying... instead of having to battle with myself endlessly, to only be able to write one or two words, to immediately be distracted or find it hard to engage beyond ten minutes... it's like the block is gone. however, trying not to focus on the past (can't change it!) and instead focus on how i've got them now.

unfortunately, however, not having the meds until now means i have ended up in a nightmare essay scenario, with 3 being due in the space of 3 days. i'm going to try my best but i doubt i'll be able to complete it all on time.

i wasn't originally told by my uni that i didn't have to give in all my essays until april so i used up my extensions whilst adhering to the original deadlines. don't you love admin and how despite the never ending bureaucratisation of higher education, there always seems to be miscommunications or just straight-up not being informed of things... i digress. like i said, i'm going to try my best. the past couple of months have been really rough but i've tried so hard to put things in place (adhd meds, cbt) so it would be such a shame to not graduate over this. i don't think people understand how hard a late ADHD diagnosis can be. still, like i said before, i can't change that so the only thing i can do now is the best with what i have.

stay tuned for my mental break down!

[eggxdragoon]

I know it was never really perfect. there was always a lot of fucked up shit going on around me in my life and it eventually became a part of my my own when I finally realized it and then things only got worse. but I miss when it used to FEEL like everything was okay. I miss the blissful obliviousness and delusions. I miss when I used to actually be happy, when I used to know people, when my dad was still alive, when my mom wasn't quite as horrible to me as she is now. when I didn't feel so pressure and guilt to exist. when I didn't feel like I was so far behind in progress than everyone else thanks to years of forced isolation. the rest of my childhood was stolen from me by nasty people I'll never get it back. it was never perfect but it was so much better than now and that's why I wish I could go back.

I don't feel I'm cut out for this life. I don't feel ready. I wasn't even planning on getting this old and now that I'm here I'm clueless. I have no motivation to exist. just constant anxiety and feeling so drained and in pain mentally and physically and all I do is beat myself up and hurt myself to make it even worse. do I even want to get better? that's probably why most days I hardly bother taking care of myself properly. I punish myself for living because I fucked up and messed up my whole life and future before it even began out of thinking I wouldn't be here.

I don't know what to do with myself because I just can't fucking take it anymore, seriously. I've had enough of this pain and feelings of failure and I'm so deep and stuck in it. I'm so miserable and I still feel like it's all my fault despite everything. I don't even care about myself to fix any of this because I've never felt worthy and loved and cared for and my mom held me back from meeting any friends that would make me feel that way. and when I was in school everyone hated and bullied me for no reason.

I feel like I don't have a place in this world, nowhere that I'll feel welcome and fit in, I can't picture it and it fucking hurts. My intrusive thoughts have come back really bad lately, getting as bad as they were at their worst. I fear there's going to be a time I can no longer ignore them and finally give in and do what I've imagined doing for years. I really feel like I'm so messed up to the point of no return, nothing ever goes right and nothing ever changes or gets better. I don't feel like I belong here or anywhere anymore. all I do is constantly distract myself from reality but that's been getting much harder lately. This stress and pain is too much for me, I'm spiralling into a really dark place again.

[justanotherfanfic]

Talking to the Moon

summary: steve and reader are not in a good relationship right now and the recent mission did not help that out. arguments have started and insults have been thrown... steve and reader gain reassurance from fellow teammates

pairings: mentor!steve rogers x reader & platonic!peter parker x reader

word count: 3k+

warnings: none?

author’s note: hey y’all! it’s been ages, i know, but i’m back! it’s been intense lately but i’ve been trying to bring myself to upload again.

THE JET REMAINED silent as your leg bobbled around. You tried your best to ignore the glare coming from your mentor, Steve. You decided that it would be best to distract yourself by adjusting the equipment strapped to your thigh. A moment passed before you looked up and accidentally made eye contact with Peter. You looked away before he could react. You and Peter never really talked, but you could still feel his judgement whenever you messed up during a mission. A sigh came out of your mouth as the tension grew. You can feel eyes from the other team mates as they tried to make sure Steve did not start an argument.

After what felt like an eternity, the jet finally began descending into the Avengers Headquarters. As the hanger began opening up, you immediately got out of your seat and made your way down the ramp. A few agents were ready to greet the team for updates and medical inspections. Out of the whole team, Steve needed the most attention but he only brushed them off, much to the medics protests.

You, on the other hand, only had a minor cut on your chin. You looked over to the side and noticed how Nat and Wanda were discussing the updates with high ranking agents while Bucky and Sam listen intently from the side. It didn't take long before they all began walking towards the building. You flinched when the alcohol made contact with your cut, the medic apologized before continuing.

You shifted your attention to Tony and Peter who were quietly talking to one another. You can see Tony's concern in his tired eyes, he truly cared for Peter as his own son whether he would admit it or not. Before you looked away, you saw Tony pulled Peter in for a hug.

"You're good to go," the medic nodded as they began cleaning up their mess.

You thanked them then made your way into the building. Hundreds of agents were maneuvering around you as they tried to finish their own objectives.

It did not take long before you heard heavy footsteps following you. You felt chills running down your spine as you tried to make your way into the common area.

After a few moments, you were face to face with the elevator. You walked in and swiftly turned your heels. You mentally screamed in annoyance when you saw Steve walked in as well. You pressed the button that would take you to the common room.

The elevator door closed and a bright laser immediately scanned you and Steve. It was a daily task; since you were going into the Avengers' personal area, FRIDAY is required to scan all individuals for clearance. Basically, the Avengers, Fury, and Coulson are the only ones allowed in.

"C-0418, cleared. Y-0402 cleared." FRIDAY's voice announced.

Suddenly the elevator began moving and a soft hum was heard from the machine. The ride was painfully silent for a good minute. Although the tension was thick, you were glad Steve had the common decency to wait to talk to you until you made it to-

"[Y/N]," Steve began before you sighed loudly.

"Steve, I really don't want to talk right now..."

A scoff came out of his mouth, "You're joking, right?"

You turned your attention to the wall and remained silent. Your fear in the jet turned into anger when you remembered what truly happened at the mission.

Before you could say a word, the elevator began slowing down into a complete stop. A ding rang before the doors opened.

You were the first to get out and make your way to the media room. You were about to grab the TV remote before you heard Steve behind you.

"Go to your room," Steve stated.

You scoffed and turned your attention to him, "I'm not a kid."

"You're sure acting like one." Steve fired back. "Once you're ready to act like an Avenger than I'll treat you like one."

"What did I even do?!" You shouted as you noticed Tony and Peter coming around the corner.

"You put yours and Peter's life in danger!" Steve shouted. "How many times do I have to tell you how deadly Hydra is?! You were selfish and ran straight into the fight when I told you to stay put!"

"I was trying to save your life!" You defended. "If it wasn't for me you would've been dead!"

"I don't care!" Steve shouted back.

"Are you serious right now?!" You shouted. You felt your hands shake. "You are so ungrateful!"

Steve snapped, "You see what I mean?! That attitude will get you no where!"

"Fine! If you hate me so much I'll just quit!" You spoke in anger. You felt your blood boiling at how Steve couldn't see your intentions. You were trying to save your mentor's life and he was yelling at you for it. Yes, you made a mistake but you were willing to save the team and risk your life for it.

"Great! I'll finally stop wasting my time on you!" Steve responded back as his eyes darkened.

Tony and Peter widened their eyes at Steve's response. They couldn't believe what came out of his mouth as you stared in disbelief. Your face softened at his response. You took a step back and felt tears pooling around your eyes.

Without another word, you turned around and started speed walking towards your room. You wiped your tears that finally fell the moment you lost eye contact with your mentor, or ex-mentor at this point.

Tony and Peter noticed your state and looked at each other. Tony motioned for Peter to follow you as Tony started talking to Steve.

You couldn't believe it. No matter what you did, Steve was always breathing down your neck and finding something to complain about. You really thought that being an Avenger would have been different. Of course there would be moments where things got intense, but this was too much.

You felt your lips trembled as you continued down the dimly lit hallway. Your footsteps echoed off of the wall as you tried to calm yourself down.

Take a deep breath.

Take a deep breath.

Take a deep breath.

You repeated the phrase to yourself as you walked up to your bedroom door. Your tears blurred your vision as you entered your room. You silently shut the door and pressed your forehead onto the frame.

All the emotions that you were holding back were now brought up to the surface. You silently cried as you moved away from the door and made your way to your balcony. You wiped your tears and started to climb over the railing and make your way to the roof top that was hanging over your balcony.

Once there, you closed your eyes and tried to focus on the noise coming from the city. A few secondes passed, your body soon began to relax. It had worked before you remembered why you were upset in the first place. You sniffed before staring at the night sky above you.

You dazed at the moon. You admired the way it was perfect, how it was able to cast a ray of light that illuminated the city beautifully. You felt your eyes pooling with tears once again causing you to close them. The tears trailed down your cheek

"What am I doing wrong?" You whispered to yourself.

"Nothing, honestly." A voice spoke.

You immediately whipped out your knife, ready to attack the intruder. Your eyes adjusted to the fearful Peter Parker. His hands were up in surrender, not sure what to do.

You sighed and put your hands down and turned your attention back to the stars.

It was silent for a few moments before Peter spoke, "Who were you talking to?"

You never really spoke to Peter so it was odd having him sitting with you as you allowed yourself to become vulnerable with him. You didn't understand why, but you didn't hate the idea. It was different, but you were glad someone actually cared.

You cleared your throat once you realized Peter was staring at you and waiting for a response, "Umm... I always talked to the moon whenever I feel upset," You whispered.

"Oh," Peter nodded. "That's cool."

You didn't respond as you stared at the moon once again. You allowed the silence to consume the two of you.

"She's not one of your soldiers Steve!" You both heard in the distance. "She's a kid!"

You turned your attention to your hands, tears starting to form again.

"Hey," Peter whispered. You glanced up at him. His heart broke seeing your eyes desperate for comfort. "Don't listen to them."

"How could I not?" You sighed as you wiped your tears away. "Didn't you hear a moment ago? I'm a disappointment. Steve wants me gone."

Peter shook his head, "You know that's not true."

It was your turn to shake your head, "Yes it's true."

"No it's not. Trust me." Peter tried to reason.

You scoffed, "How would you know?"

"I've... had my fair share of lecturing with Mr. Stark." Peter admitted shyly.

"Whaaaat? Perfect Peter Parker?" You sarcastically questioned as you mockingly put a hand over your chest with a gapped mouth.

Peter smiled lightly, "I'm serious [Y/N]. Mr. Stark has screamed at me countless times and it honestly sucks sometimes but from what I've learned about all of those lectures, it's that Mr. Stark cares. Steve cares about you."

You scoffed, "If him screaming at me all the time is his way of showing how much he cares then I don't want it."

Peter sighed, "He just wants you to be the best you can be."

"This isn't 1940, times have changed. His head is still in the war."

Peter shrugged his shoulders, "I mean... Hydra is still trying to take control so I wouldn't consider the war being over."

You glared at him, "Did you come to defend Steve? If this is what it is then I suggest you leave."

"No!" Peter frantically shut down the thought. "Sorry, I just... I just think he's stressed out because of Fury giving him the director position."

"That doesn't give him the right to lash out at me," You defended.

"I'm not saying that," Peter soothed. "I just think that you both need to take a step back since you're both spending too much time together."

"No, I quit remember?" Your voice broke.

"We both know you don't want that," Peter insisted. "You love this life too much to let it go because some boomer is in the way."

You laughed loudly at Peter's nickname for Steve. You nodded your head in agreement. As quick as the smile came, it disappeared.

Peter noticed, "What's wrong?"

"It's been hard, you know? Having Steve breathing down my neck all the time."

Peter nodded, "Yeah I know what you mean. Tony is talking to him right now."

You nodded and remained silent. It wasn't an awkward silence, it was a calming one. One that you wished you could stay in forever.

"[Y/N]? Peter?" A voice called from below you. You and Peter looked down to see Tony standing on your balcony. He looked up to see you two sitting at the roof. "Can you both come down please?"

You and Peter looked at one another. Peter smiled in reassurance before making his way down. You sighed before following behind.

Once you made it to your balcony, Tony was there waiting for you. You quickly noticed that Peter was no where to be seen.

You quirked you're eyebrow, "Umm-"

"Steve wants to talk to you," Tony began speaking.

You shook your head, "I don't think that's a good idea."

He sighed before putting his hands on either side of your arms. He smiled warmly at you before continuing, "Dont worry kid. Everything will be fine."

You felt at peace with his statement. You slowly nodded before leaving your room. You jumped in surprise to see Peter waiting outside your room.

"Do you want me to be there with you?" Peter questioned in concern.

You smiled, "No thanks. This is something I have to do alone."

Peter sighed, "Just remember, Steve cares."

You stared at Peter before you quickly pull him in for a hug. Peter widens his eyes as he is taken aback.

"Thank you Peter..." You whispered as you feel his arm slowly wrap around your waist. "Thank you for caring."

Peter felt his heart race, "[Y/N] you are special. Don't let yourself push away this family. We love you."

"I love you guys too..." You whispered as a tear fell down. You both remained silent for another moment before pulling away.

"You're not bad Parker," You smirked. "Why haven't we hung out yet?"

Peter shrugged, "Been busy I guess..."

"Busy kissing Stark's ass," You concluded.

Peter laughed out loud, "Wow!"

You both laughed before a voice interrupted you.

"I apologize for the interruption. [L/N], Mr. Rogers is requesting for you in the common room." FRIDAY announced.

"Thanks I'll be there," You called out. You looked back at Peter, "I guess I'll see you around."

"Yeah, we could train together or something." Peter suggested.

You agreed, "Bet. See you tomorrow."

You both waved before going your separate ways. As your footsteps echoed through the halls, your heart began racing again. You hated fighting with Steve. You admit, you did have great memories with Steve but you felt like he was taking his job as a mentor too seriously. You just wanted the old Steve back.

Once the door opened you noticed the TV was turned on you can see a movie was

"I was thinking we have the morning off tomorrow so we can have a movie night right now," Steve smiled at you. He patted the seat next to him as he shook a bowl of popcorn in his hand. "I made popcorn!"

"Wait wha-?" You questioned.

Steve sighed, "Can you please sit? I want to apologize."

You complied and found yourself slowly sitting down next to Steve. You can see him mute the TV as he turned his attention to you. You began fidgeting with your fingers once again as you felt like you were about to throw up. You hated when things were tense. You already regret screaming at Steve earlier and you especially regret how you threatened to quit the team.

"I'm sorry [Y/N]..." Steve spoke. You looked up at Steve and saw he was disappointed. The difference now was the fact that he was disappointed with himself, not you. "I never realized how hard I've been on you. I didn't mean what I said earlier, please know that. I want you here with us."

You felt yourself start tearing up once again as you thought about the mission and all the pressure you've been receiving from Steve.

"I-It's just hard. You are always mad at me. I miss you. I missed how we used to be. For the mission... I only wanted to save you. I'm sorry I didn't mean to put Peter in danger, but I didn't know what I would do if you were gone. I care about you Steve..." You cried.

Steve immediately hugged you as you cried into his chest. You released all the tension and allowed yourself to become vulnerable.

Steve felt terrible. When you left the common room upset earlier, Tony gave him a heart-to-heart on what it's like to mentor young ones. Tony made Steve realize that they just needed bonding. Having a mentor doesn't always mean giving orders and following them, it's not always about fighting. The point of a mentor is to have a bond, to have someone to lean into when they make a mistake. It's to have someone be there to listen when they feel overwhelmed.

Steve only wanted you to be the best you could be. He knew your potential. What Steve didn't realize is that he was driving you away with his persistence of your perfection. He was treating you like a soldier and that's not how it should be.

Steve breathed out as he pulled you away so you could look at him, "I promise from here on out things will change. I just need one thing from you..."

You stared, waiting for his request.

"Don't you dare put your life at risk," Steve requested. "You scared me to death seeing you in the line of fire. I care about you too, [Y/N]. I don't know what I would do if something happened to you."

Your heart fluttered, you knew Steve cared but your relationship has been blurred lately. It was nice hearing things clear up. You didn't feel the tension like you did earlier today. You mentally thanked Peter and Tony for reassuring you that everything will be fine.

"I'm sorry..." You whispered as you looked down. "It is my job to put myself at risk though..."

Steve quickly picked your head up and smiled at you, "I'm so proud of you [Y/N]. I know you will do great things in the future. Just don't do things that are risky and without our consent. We have done this far longer than you can imagine. When things don't seem fair, they are only there to make sure everyone is as safe as possible. I'm sorry for making things hard on you. I only want what's best, but I promise to change the way I've been acting. You are family, you deserve to be treated like it."

"Thank you..." You smiled. "I promise not to be a jerk also."

Steve laughed, "Don't worry about that. I'm the one who's been a jerk."

After his statement, you reached over him and stole the popcorn and TV remote from him, "Good. Now I can do this." You smirked as you unmuted the TV and shoved a mouthful of popcorn in your mouth.

You heard his laugh ring in your ears making you feel at home. You both started yelling and throwing popcorn at each other as the TV played in the background. Your laughters echoed down the halls and continued for the rest of the night.

This is what being a family is. Playing around, being there for one another, realizing when you make a mistake and apologizing. It's about love and compassion. It's about unity.

[lostgirlfromneverlandxxx]

Took you long enough

Pairing: Derek Hale x Reader

Request by @5sos-trashood

Can you do one where before the fire Derek and y/n were best friends (y/n a werewolf too) but after it Derek shuts off and pushes her away but when she hears about something supernatural in beacon hills she comes back

Sorry if that was confusing but you don’t have to write it just a small idea. Thanks :)

Sorry it took me so long to write a new imagine ven though I told you guys to be back. Had a ruff time but now I'm really back!

______________________________

Reader's POV

I pulled out one of my headphones because I was hearing something knocking against my window. I stop and listen for a while. There were small noises. I get up and look out of my window. It was already 11pm so who would be standing outside trying to get my attention?

I focus and find Derek standing under the huge tree in front of my window. He's throwing another pebble to my window when I open it. "Der? What are you doing here so late?" I think he's blushing a little. "Can I come in?" I step back and he starts climbing up the tree and gets inside my room. "Hey... uhm yeah I don't know why I'm here. I wanted to see you, I guess?" he blushes even more.

We've been friends for so long now. "It's okay Der. You haven't answered my texts though, I'm still mad about that, hon." I smile and push his shoulder playfully. "Yeah sorry about that." he sits down on my bed and looks at me. "Did something happeen between you and Paige? She's the reason for you neglecting me, right?" I know I shouldn't be dissapointed. I should be happy for my best friend but I can't.

"Yeah... forget about her," he let's himself fall onto the matress. What happenned? I thought he loved her? "Why? Aren't you in love with her?" I push my nails into my palms. He doesn't seem to notice. "I thought I was... we kissed but I didn't feel anything." I am kinda relieved right now. "But that's good, right?" I ask. My voice is shaking a little. He looks up at me. "I guess..." he starts blushing again and looks away. "What's the problem now, Der? I have to get to sleep so if you don't need my help you should leave." I cross my arms in front of my chest. I can't talk to him. He kissed her and I don't know how to feel about it. I've been wanting to kiss him for such a long time now... but he can't know about my crush ."Sorry. I didn't mean to bother you." he gets up and heads to the window. "I didn't mean it... sorry, Der. There's just so much going on right now." he looks at me. Every time he looks at me like that I just want to forget everything and cuddle up to him. "What happened?" he sounds worried. "Oh nothing." he puts his hand under my chin and makes me look into his beautiful green eyes. "Tell me the truth Y/N."

I try to turn away but he wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me closer. I think my heart is about to explode. "It's nothinng, Der. Really." he presses his forehead against mine. "Yeah. Too bad that I don't believe you, sweetheart." he stresses the last word. I want to reply but the words get stuck in my throat. "Come on Y/N. Tell me." he whispers. Now our noses are touching. I want to kiss him so badly... "Why didn't you have feelings for Paige?" I manage to form some words. He exhales slowly "Beause I've been..."

We hear a lound noise. It sounds like an explosion. We uickly turn towards the window. In the distance I can see a huge fire... "Oh my god..." that is Dereks home... I just stare at him. "Der?" he doesn't react, I try to hug him but he jumps out of the window and runs towards the burning house.

_________________

That was 10 years ago. I haven't heard from him since that night. After I graduated I moved away. I had to get out of town. I wanted to concentrate on my career. I wanted to become a lawyer but I just couldn't. Instead I started to work as a bounty hunter. I open my laptop and my heart stings when I see the background...

it's an old picture of Derek and I. I quickly open my mails and look through the newest offers. There is a vampire clan in Beacon Hills. I could go back... maybe he did come back too? "The job will be done in 3 days." I reply and turn off my laptop. I don't have to pack much for the trip just some clothes. Most of my weapons are in my car aready. I throw the things into the car and get in. Let's go back to Beacon Hills... I slowly breath out and start driving.

_________________________

Derek's POV

"We can't kill all of them Derek! We are going to die trying." Scott stands beside me in the corner of the storage hall. We fou d the vampires that killed innocents in Beacon Hills. What we didn't know is that we had to deal with a whole clan. "Yeah... but there needs to be a way to get out of this mess." I already managed to kill a dozen of vampires but they just seem to come back. I heard a loud whistle and an "Over hear bloodsuckers!".

I've heard that voice before... Scott looks at me with fear in his eyes. The vampires are distracted from whatever just walked into the hall. I quickly attack some of them and rip their heads off when I see a beautiful wolf with golden fur surrounded by at least 20 vampires. Her eyes are an icy blue but they seem to warm up when she looks at me for a brief moment.

Scott rushes past me and attacks some of the vampires surrounding her. I growl and jump onto the vampire that was just about to sink his fangs into her neck. We keep fighting side by side until all of them are dead. The wolf disappears and Scott turns to me. "Who was that?" I just shake my head. "I think I know who she is..." I start walking away but he follows me. "Care to enlighten me?" I just ignore him and run into the wood.

Her scent seems to b everywhere but I think I know where she's heading. I walk up to thr burnt down house. "Why did you come back?" I ask loudly. She steps out of the shadow. "I get payed for this." she looks at me. Her expression unreadable. "Why'd you come back?" she looks at me. I think I see hate in her eyes. "Beacon Hills needed and Alpha." my eyees burn red, She stares back at me with her icy blue eyes. "Yeah. That's why you come bback after all those years but your best friend didn't matter at all." she almost spits out the words. She looks so hurt.

"I... I'm sorry Y/N. I shouldn't have just left you." she laughs. "Yeah. Shut up. It's not like I care anyways." she turns around. When did she get so cold? Is it all because of me? Because I left her that night and never tried to reach out to her? "Y/N please. That night... I wanted to tell you something but after what happened I couldn'nt. I didnt want you to get hurt." she stops. "I can take care of myself." her eyes glow more vibrant now. I quickly walk up to her and grab her arm, turning her around. "You asked me why I didn't feel anything when I kissed Paige that night. That was because I've been in love with you the whole time. Heck... I still am." she just stares at me. I pull her closer and press my lips against hers in a desperate kiss. "Took you long enough, hon." she grins and pulls me down into another kiss. This time more passionate.

______________________

I hope you enjoyed this little imagine. Feel free to leave requests. I'll do Derek imagines and some about other series tooo if you'd like. I really want to get more into writing again and I hope to read some feedback!

[punkscowardschampions]

Rio & Buster

Rio: I miss you so much Buster: I miss you too Buster: More than I knew I would Rio: Won't take that too personally, babe 😜 Rio: but seriously, before it was like, this was normal and you being here was the novelty but then I got used to being together everyday Buster: We spoiled ourselves, babe. I wasn't mad about it at the time but like Rio: I know Rio: 😔 Buster: I've been in such a mood since you left, it's a good thing my dad is barely here Rio: Baby Rio: has he spoke to you about any of it yet Buster: Yeah but you can guess how it went without me having to tell you, I'm sure Buster: In essence he's glad to have his house back Buster: Used to only having girls of mine around for the night, like Rio: Yeah, I mean Rio: can't blame him Rio: even if I'd rather be there still but Buster: I reckon Indie was a bit much for him, me and Nance weren't ever like that Buster: No offense to the kid meant Rio: Such 👼s Buster: You know Buster: Golden boy for a reason, babe Buster: Do all my sinning out of doors Rio: Ain't nobody been indoors to tell her init Buster: I told him the score Buster: There won't be any drama if she comes back again Rio: It's alright Rio: She needs to get back to normal here now Rio: Same, I guess Buster: How is it over there? Tell me Rio: Honestly I've just been trying to hide in my room Rio: 'cos once one of them knows they all will Rio: such a bombardment Buster: Yeah Buster: Gotta do it while you can 'cause once the birthdays and shit start there'll be no chance Buster: Is Indie staying with you or what? Rio: Ugh Rio: don't remind me Rio: and the baby, she's late so vague hysteria setting in Rio: Yeah, thank fuck Buster: I don't envy you at all Buster: Anything I can do to distract you, you know I will Rio: You better Rio: putting that in the vows 😉 Buster: Yeah? What else you gonna say? Rio: Spoilers Rio: You know you cutest when you blush Buster: You're cutest when you just wake up and I'm mad I don't get to see that now Rio: I'll send you all the #iwokeuplikedis selfies you want Buster: Don't tease me, babe Buster: Don't say it if you're playing Rio: 'Course I'm not Rio: even if I'm gonna work my angles and lighting to my advantage still Rio: my prerogative, can't have you getting 😬 Buster: Shut up Rio: Wish you could make me Buster: Christ, me too Buster: I already wanna come see you Rio: When is your next break? Buster: Not soon enough Rio: I can always come back Rio: for a weekend or something Rio: I'll get a hotel, like, don't worry Unc Buster: We'll figure it out Buster: I do have a reading week coming up soon so as long as I study too Rio: Yeah, I don't wanna distract you further Rio: I mean I do but also Buster: Gotta meet the fam's newest addition, there's my excuse Rio: Take pics for me Rio: you know I ain't being allowed in with flowers Buster: That's what my sister's for Buster: I'll bring you flowers instead Rio: Stop being cute Buster: I know that ain't what you want Rio: But it makes me miss you more Buster: I need you to miss me Buster: 'Cause I gotta miss you Rio: Trust me, I do Buster: How did we do this for so long before? Buster: Seriously Rio: I don't know Rio: Shouldn't have put a 💍 on it Buster: Shhh Rio: Maybe I wait to drop the bomb when this baby finally gets here Rio: distraction is our best friend Buster: Good luck, babe Buster: Unless she's born tomorrow I reckon its unlikely Buster: Unless you're gonna take the ring off Rio: Get Drew back 'round to fuck it outta her Buster: Not a mental image I need, cheers babe Rio: Alright, curry it is then Buster: I reckon my aunt fucking Drew again is more likely Buster: But you know Rio: Damn Rio: Too real Buster: Fuck thinking about either of them Buster: How's the job hunt going? Rio: Not gone out yet Rio: I know, I know Rio: I'm moping Buster: Baby Rio: I will Rio: but Buster: What can I do to motivate you? Tell me Rio: 😏 Buster: Come on Buster: Use your words Rio: Ugh Rio: I love it when you talk to me like that Buster: I mean it Buster: No more moping Rio: I promise Rio: I'm gonna make you proud of me Buster: I know you will Buster: I already am but shhh 'cause I'm doing tough love right now Rio: 🤤 Buster: I dread to think how much privacy you don't have Buster: It's not even hot it's just annoying Rio: Idk, being a moody cow since I got back has kept everyone keeping distance Rio: not saying you were right or anything Buster: You can say it Rio: It definitely has its perks Buster: Yeah Rio: but cuddling with you right now in this bed would definitely be appreciated Buster: You in mine would be even better 'cause I know we'd be alone for hours yet Rio: The things we could achieve in that time Rio: No slacking there, that would motivate me Buster: It'd distract me shamelessly but I wouldn't be mad about it Rio: I could crack the whip too Rio: it's not like you've actually fallen behind, right? Buster: Nah 'cause not 😇 Buster: course* Rio: Bit hypocritical coming from us but like, calm down then? Getting mad n stressed about things that haven't even happened Buster: 😂 Rio: We've got shit handled, right baby? Buster: Always Rio: Good Rio: Getting my 'fuck everyone else' mentality set for when the inevitable Buster: If you need any tips, like Buster: Borrow my 👑 Rio: 😏 I know, my baby invented that shit Buster: Probably my parents but we don't need to tell anyone that Buster: Least of all them Rio: I mean, obviously gonna need the reminder that they should be our biggest fans but Rio: I don't wanna be the messenger on that one 💀 Buster: I'll do it Buster: Not giving a fuck, remember Rio: I'll remember you always, babe Buster: Don't Buster: You're so cute Rio: I love you, you know Rio: no matter what any of 'em want to say, can't be changed Buster: I love you so fucking much Buster: And I'm gonna marry you one day even if nobody else turns up to the ceremony and its just us Rio: Good Rio: Me too, I actually don't care Rio: I do but if anyone's trying to make it a choice then I'm choosing you over keeping them happy because you matter more Buster: Exactly Rio: I wonder if Edie will turn up when the baby's here Buster: I doubt she'll bring gifts and claim she was guided by a star, like Rio: Alright Rio: true but don't kill my hope out the gate like that Rio: I'm hoping morbid curiosity gets the better of her if nothing else Buster: Sorry, babe Rio: One person I would've liked to see when I walked in the door Rio: soz everyone else Buster: They can't fault you for that even if they might want to for some other shit Rio: Even if she's probably gonna swing on sight, like Buster: I reckon that's a given Buster: But I also know you can handle it Rio: Not like I have a choice, if she hates me she does but it's preferrable to this Buster: You can't still believe she actually hates you Rio: Of course she does Rio: I tried to bone her Da, in her eyes Rio: she had a fucked enough head re. all things him and I made it worse Buster: She loves you, that's why it hurts her Buster: If she hated you she'd be here fronting it out Rio: If only it were that simple, babe Buster: Come on Buster: I ain't saying that's all it is but it's part of it Buster: And its what's gonna let you fix it Rio: Whatever it is Rio: I just wish she'd come back for the others Buster: She ain't gonna stay away for ever Rio: Good luck Buster: Watch her roll in when we all least expect it Rio: I get why she pisses Indie off so much Rio: like, I also get why she does what she does but fucking hell Buster: Yeah Rio: Distract me Rio: I don't wanna think about this anymore either Buster: Think about me Buster: [sends gym selfies] Rio: Thanks baby Rio: the amount that actually helps is telling 😂 Buster: Course it does Buster: I did a heavy work out like Rio: I can tell Rio: Jesus, you're hot Buster: I had to distract myself too Buster: I had so many dreams about you I didn't even wanna move Rio: Gotta take those frustrations out somewhere, right? Rio: Where I'm going wrong, I'm still laying here so frustrated Buster: Well you could work out Buster: Or Buster: Work it out another way Rio: Will you show me how Rio: I need your help Buster: Poor baby Buster: 'Course I will Rio: Seriously Rio: I'm in such a state without you daddy Buster: I bet you are Rio: [Video] See? Rio: I can't do this without you Buster: You really have gotten yourself into a mess haven't you, angel Buster: What are we gonna do with you? Rio: I don't know, what are you gonna do to me, daddy? Buster: I'm about the hands on approach so we're gonna have to get yours out of the way first of all Buster: Need you to focus on me and what I'm trying to teach you Rio: [Pic to show she's done it] Rio: I'm so ready to listen and learn Buster: Good Buster: No half measures, yeah? Rio: No half measures Buster: You're so well behaved Rio: Does that make you happy, daddy? Am I doing a good job? Buster: See me after class for that extra credit Buster: Earning that A* easily Rio: You're such a good teacher Buster: What you gonna have waiting on my desk for me to say thanks? Rio: If I say me will you get mad, sir? Rio: I just wanna show you how much I appreciate all that you've taught me in person Buster: Do you think I should be mad at you? Buster: It sounds like you are just trying to be good Rio: Really good Buster: Okay then start slow, you've gotta be patient, babe I know it's hard Rio: Take me time, I remember Rio: but it feels so good, I want more Buster: I know you do but trust me Rio: I do Rio: you know what's best for me, you always make me feel better Buster: And if I was there I'd be worshiping every inch of you, wouldn't I? That's what you need to do Rio: If you could convince me to get up from off my knees Rio: You want me to make all the noises I would if you were here, baby? Buster: We both know I have in it in me to be that persuasive Buster: Slow but intense, yeah? Buster: Give it everything you've got, vocals included Rio: Okay Rio: Fuck Buster: One finger is all you're allowed first, don't be rushing through this Rio: but daddy Buster: You can add more when you I say you can Buster: You're here to learn, right? Rio: Yes, sir Rio: Sorry, sir Rio: Please can I spank myself, just once, because I deserve it Buster: Okay, you are being good enough Rio: I won't leave any marks Rio: because it's yours and only you're allowed to do that Buster: Well remembered Rio: How could I forget Rio: I can still feel that lesson Buster: I wish we could go over it again anyway Buster: Soon though Rio: You promise? Buster: I swear, baby Buster: You know I need you Rio: Does it hurt for you too, daddy? Buster: So badly Rio: Me too Rio: it's the kinda hurt only you can make better Buster: I'm right here, baby Buster: I know what you need Buster: You can do it, no more teasing, I promise Rio: Yeah? Rio: Please can you make yourself cum with me so I can imagine you're doing it inside me Rio: that's what I need Buster: Together, yeah? Buster: I want that too Rio: You've got me so close Buster: [sends pics] Buster: Look how you've got me Rio: 😻 Rio: Why aren't you inside of me right now Buster: Close your eyes and I am Rio: Are you using the toy I got you? Buster: You know it, babe Rio: Good Rio: Fuck I'm making so much noise Buster: Me too Buster: I can't stop Rio: Don't stop Rio: Lose control for me Buster: Jesus Rio: Tell me how good it feels Buster: It's so fucking Buster: My god Rio: So soft and tight 'round your thick cock yeah? Rio: Almost like the real thing Buster: Nothing makes me feel as good as you but Rio: 'Course not Rio: it's like we were made for each other you feel so right Buster: We were baby Buster: That's why I don't want anyone else however long I have to wait for you Rio: Keep talking like that Rio: I'm gonna cum for you Buster: I love you and I'll always love you Rio: Oh my God Rio: Buster Buster: Just me and you forever, Rio Buster: That's all we need Rio: For fucking ever Rio: I'm going to marry you Buster: Fuck Rio: I love you so fucking much Buster: I can't stop thinking about that ring on your finger while you're fucking yourself for me Rio: Baby Rio: You like seeing that I'm yours? Buster: I love it Buster: I love you Rio: You're so good you're so good Buster: It's you babe, all of it Rio: You're mine, aren't you? Buster: I'm yours, Rio Rio: Shit Rio: It feels so strong, I'm scared to let this out Rio: I won't have any control Buster: Lose control for me too, baby Rio: For you Buster: Just for me Rio: No one else exists for me Rio: it's always been you, Buster Buster: Tell me again Rio: You're the only one I've ever wanted Buster: Oh fuck Rio: I'd always think about you, anyone else I'd been with Rio: even if I tried to stop myself, I couldn't help it, my brain always went there, back to you Buster: I know Buster: I felt it too you know that, yeah? Rio: Yeah Rio: you wanted me so bad Buster: The only girl I did want Rio: It drove me insane thinking I would never get to have you Rio: more than that kiss Buster: I'd get to have you every night but not like this Buster: Not real enough Rio: That's so fucking hot Rio: I wanna make every fantasy you had about me whilst you were fucking yourself real Buster: Only if I can for you too Buster: I'll never forget what it was like to first touch you or taste you Buster: I thought I'd die Buster: I'd have been happy to Buster: 'Cause that's what heaven is. You are Rio: You're literally perfection, a dream come to life Rio: I feel so lucky I get to spend my life with you Buster: Baby Rio: Yes? Buster: I just Buster: I don't have any words left Rio: Then stop talking and cum for me Rio: I know you need to, moan for me Buster: I have to Buster: It's so loud but I don't care Rio: Let them know who you belong to baby, who got you like this Buster: I'll get over being able to say your name like this Buster: As much as I need to Buster: never* (thats hilarious me just changing the meaning with my typos like) Rio: You don't need to, it's my favourite sound Rio: I intend to make you make it every day Buster: Promise? Rio: Promise Rio: You're so beautiful, Buster, you know that Buster: You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen Buster: Not just girl, anything Rio: I know you mean that Rio: and I love you Buster: I really fucking love you Rio: I can't wait to be your wife Buster: Soon, baby Rio: Yeah? Tell me about it Buster: I'm gonna make you happier than you ever reckoned you could feel Buster: Give you everything Rio: Yes baby Buster: And I'll wear a ring too and everyone will know that I belong as much to you as you do to me Buster: We won't have to be apart again ever Rio: You're making me cum, oh fuck please I feel like I'm gonna pass out this is so fucking good, don't stop Buster: I'm gonna make you cum every day, as many times as I can Buster: I won't ever stop Rio: I'm begging you fuck every hole I have they all belong to you every inch of me is yours forever Buster: Jesus fucking Christ Buster: Please Rio: Oh God Daddy I'm sucking on my fingers because I taste so sweet Rio: I wish they were yours and I wish you could taste me too Buster: If I don't stop moaning soon my voice is gonna go I want you to know that Buster: and God, I just want you Rio: I'm sorry daddy I'm just such a dirty little whore for you Buster: Cum for me now Buster: Cum with me Rio: I've never been this loud Buster: You're so fucking hot Rio: It really is all for you Buster: Tell me Rio: Everything I do is to turn you on Rio: to make you want me Rio: so you'll fuck me so good like you do and make me cum over and over and over Buster: Babe you're so Buster: I can't Rio: Good can't? Buster: The best Rio: That's alright then Buster: Never stop Rio: I promise babe Buster: You're so perfect Buster: Fuck me Rio: Soon Buster: I can't wait to be with you all the time Buster: I'm gonna buy us a house and fuck you in every square inch Rio: That's all I want Buster: All our neighbours are gonna know us Buster: If you think you're being loud right now, you aren't Buster: Not compared to how its gonna be Rio: Fuck, baby Rio: I might die Rio: every time I think you can't make me cum any more than you have you prove me wrong Buster: I know that's how you wanna go Buster: We can go together Buster: Starting right here Rio: As far as death pacts go, pretty fucking sexy Rio: suck it, Romeo and Juliet Buster: The only way my competitive streak will have it Rio: Works for me Rio: not up for living without you really, if we're taking it to this morbid place Buster: You don't have to Buster: I'm not going anywhere Buster: Not without you Rio: Keep this on the downlow though, babe, the engagement is enough for 'em to handle Buster: If what's mine is yours then that includes my life Buster: Technically Rio: Interesting, like to see you argue it in court for some black widow Rio: not just 'cos you'd be hot and I gotta keep my eye on her Buster: I know you would Rio: Just very interested in the judicial system, thanks Buster: Okay, babe Rio: 😒 Buster: When I get to uni I'll take you to library Buster: You'll love it Buster: Once I get started reading from those law books then you'll properly understand what horny feels like, right? Rio: Mmm Rio: Shut up 😣 Buster: You're so cute Rio: I can't help it Rio: I like seeing you get passionate about things Rio: and you're very persuasive, as you mentioned Buster: I really am gonna fuck you all over that campus Rio: 🤤 Rio: Better than joining a wanky society Buster: Better than anything they could offer me, honestly Buster: You know how you make me feel Rio: Leave that off the personal statement though Rio: Probably be into it, love some self-confidence for a chance Buster: It's gotten me this far, like Rio: Can't say better than that, I reckon Buster: Exactly Rio: Who else can say they're fucking me? Buster: Cunts can try and say it but I'd call bullshit Buster: You're mine Rio: Yep Rio: Totally yours Buster: I know a lot of things are shit right now and I probably shouldn't say this but I'm really happy Rio: I feel it too Rio: usually feeling happy just feels stupid like bitch wait and see but even though I know some things are bad now and there's potentially more to come Rio: it still feels right Buster: Yeah Buster: Like whatever happens I don't have to handle it on my own so it won't be that bad anyway Rio: You don't have to, ever again Rio: that's a serious vow Buster: I'll make the same one to you Buster: Right fucking now Buster: Whatever you need babe, whenever Rio: I know Rio: it feels good, doesn't it Buster: Literally the best Buster: I've always told myself I can do anything, like you've met my parents, kind of a given, but I properly believe it when I'm with you Rio: Good Rio: 'cos you can Buster: You too, angel Rio: I feel it Rio: I'm not saying I've got everything worked out magically but Rio: I actually do believe you Buster: Good, 'cause I said I'd motivate you Buster: I'm not trying to fail at it Rio: I reckon you're good 😏 Rio: add another win to the tally, like Buster: Will do Buster: But if we're keeping score don't forget to add your own points Rio: Oh yeah? How'd I do in the end? Buster: I've never cum so hard or so much without you actually being here before Rio: I'll take it Rio: 'til we're back together, like Buster: It makes missing you a little bit easier Buster: For today at least Rio: Yeah Rio: you know I'm always here Rio: we'll get through it Buster: Yeah Buster: I know you are and we will Rio: You'll be done before you know it Rio: we should go away, in the summer Buster: Great idea Buster: Especially now we can acknowledge we're in the same place together, like Rio: 😂 Rio: I worry how none of them could piece that shit together Buster: They didn't wanna Buster: Simple as Rio: Can't relate Rio: too nosy for that Buster: You're the only one who can get away with telling me what to do though Buster: If any of the rest of the fam tried it they know what'd happen so Buster: Even when it ain't something as important as this Rio: Yeah Rio: I promise to only use my power for good Rio: mostly Buster: I was gonna say Buster: Please be bad sometimes, like Rio: Good for us Rio: same thing Buster: Yeah Buster: Do I need to use my powers of sending a fancy fruit basket to your fam for what they just heard from your room? Rio: 😳 Rio: Send me one too for sustenance because I can never leave this room again now Buster: Poor baby Buster: I'll send you everything you could possibly need Buster: and add some earplugs for the rest of them Rio: So thoughtful Buster: Who's actually home? Like how much damage control are we talking about? Rio: Can't say I checked before starting Rio: idek, hopefully they were all very busy somewhere else Buster: I'll cross my fingers for you, babe Rio: Whatever Rio: it was too good to feel too bad about Buster: No argument there Buster: Someone could have literally walked in and I wouldn't have been able to stop Rio: Shh don't say that Rio: Gonna turn me on all over again Buster: Sorry but its true Rio: Not that sorry Rio: Add it to the fantasies list Buster: Noted Buster: I should shower, the state of me Rio: I should join you Rio: Video chat? Buster: You're full of good ideas, aren't you? Rio: It's been said

[lovedlovingly]

I think I'm really hurt and trying to accept and be okay with that. I'm in a slump and my depression has been hanging over me since fall but I think I'm about to finally fall soon and that's okay last week was the first week since summer that I could relax for more than 1 day in a row and it felt weird and I'm still stressed rn I'm back to the place where I was 2y ago with only one thing booked each week and it looks like it's gonna continue for a month or two and I think it's God looking out for me because I really need to slow down and not keep on distracting and pushing myself as I've done now these last 7y but it's also scary I'm still so brainwashed that my worth is in what I'm doing and what I can give others, and my trauma keeps on messing up my memory both long and short term so I feel like a mess that just need one or two breaths to find myself but I'm so afraid that if I do I'll get physically and verbally punished for it just like when I was little i hate how badly my parents messed me up and how every adult ignored it I still have so much sadness in my soul to work with and I'm starting to fall back on minimizing my self worth into nothingness next month it will be a year since Imio died and I have my strongest memories of her when I still lived with my parents and I would cry daily and she'd always sit on my desk and bump my forehead with hers while her fur was so warm from the desk lamp it's been real spring days lately and I miss having her laze on my balcony always smiling in the sun it's weird being alive without a reason to live anymore, or something that means that you "have to" live, I wonder how much longer escapism will keep me alive ✌️✌️I should ask for stronger antidepressants