#i'm actually quite proud of this it was. an exercise for sure. and i plan on doing it again in the future.

[queenofbaws]

"I could come over and cook for you if you'd like. i make a really delicious [quiche]. do you like [quiche]?"

"I'm sorry i can be such a shit to you sometimes."

with a Jossam dinner date mayhaps? with some Josh vegan jokes of course.

catch me catching up on prompts ;)c

"So, honesty hour: What's it like being benched for the season?"

They'd been talking for long enough now that the phone was warm against her ear. Sam rolled her eyes at the joke (if it could even be called that), but she'd be lying if she said that warmth didn't go a little deeper. "'Benched for the season?' Do you think I'm on some...collegiate rock-climbing team or something?"

"Can't come up with any other reason why you'd spend so much time scaling walls like Spiderman. Are you telling me you don't have a scholarship that keeps you doing that shit?"

She shut the refrigerator door, shifting her cellphone to her other ear as she struggled with getting her seltzer and her crutches under control. "No, Josh," she patiently answered, beginning the tedious journey back to her couch - the couch, really, the one she'd been slowly but surely converting into a nest while her bedroom upstairs was more or less off-limits. "For the millionth time, some people just like exercising."

"Not sure that one's true, but I'll take your word for it."

As she flumped onto the couch, a noise came out of her that she wasn't very proud of. She waited to see if he'd use it as ammunition, and when he didn't, began making herself comfortable. ...as comfortable as she could be, anyway, with her ankle booted. She wouldn't say as much out loud, but maybe Josh actually had a point (or something resembling one, anyway); she'd been going pretty hard for no real reason when she'd fallen, and boy...she'd fallen far.

"To answer you question, though," she said, cracking open the can and taking a sip, "your flawed, some might even say totally incorrect question..."

"No one would say that."

"It's real thrill-a-minute stuff over here! I mean, I get to catch up on all the good tv shows that don't exist, I get to sit around and relax in complete discomfort...oh, and, yeah, I get to cancel my dinner plans with my deeply, deeply sympathetic boyfriend because my doctor says I need to keep this puppy elevated. It's great."

"Wait, you have a sympathetic boyfriend?"

That got a snort out of her - the bubbles from the seltzer didn't help. "Har-dee-har."

"Sam. Samantha. Sammy," Josh said, the quality of the call changing abruptly as he, she had to imagine, switched her over to speaker. There was a weird rustling in the background of the call she couldn't quite place. "I told you, your ankle is my ankle. Forget the meeting halfway shit, if you're so bummed about this whole 'romantic dinner' thing, I can come over there and cook. I mean, think about it...I make a really delicious steak tartare...do you like steak tartare?"

"Once more, I say to you: Har-dee-har."

"No? What about filet mignon?"

"Oh my God."

"Ortolan?"

"I..." Sam closed her eyes and leaned her head back, pinching the bridge of her nose with her fingers. "I don't even know what that is, but I'm sure it's horrible."

"Illegal in the United States, actually."

"Great." She laughed, sinking that much deeper into the couch cushions. "Well. While that all sounds so good, I don't want you to drive all the way out here, Josh. That's so dumb, I should be okay to go more places in a week or so, I'm just sorry that - " And just like that, she was up again, sitting bolt upright as she heard the knob of her front door jiggle. "Hey, I gotta call you b - "

"You gotta...what, call me...back?" Josh teased, stepping through the front door and kicking off his shoes, still pretending to talk over the phone. "Yeah, no, that's fine, I get it. Do me a favor though, would you? Make sure you tell your sympathetic boyfriend hi for me. I love that guy. Real treasure." He grinned, clearly proud of himself, then sheepishly held up the bag of takeout he'd been hiding. "Your dinner, madame?"

She smiled when he walked over to the couch and set the bag down, kissing her temple as he did; she really didn't have any other choice. "You. Are. Unbelievable," Sam laughed.

"So I've been told. Sorry for being such a little shit, but I had to keep you off my trail, so...I'm sure you understand, right?" he teased, then stole her seltzer to take a drink. "Now c'mon, this stuff's getting cold. Chow time, Crutches."

[ruby-red-inky-blue]

@ji-ang asked: For the fic ask meme: 4 (TWTaS), 30, and/or 39

4. What detail in [The World Through a Scope] are you really proud of?

Whenever I finally post the last chapter that has been finished for literally six years, I realised like three years in that I've done something very neat with the first and last line on complete accident, and I'm very excited about it. They flow into each other so nicely and I did not plan it. Which actually surprises me, because I pay so, so much (probably way too much) mind to first and last lines. I always want them to be perfect - and I think I got close!

To get to a detail I can actually point to right now:

I don't know if that counts because it's two whole minor characters, but I'm just so pleased with how Draven and Mothma have turned out. I have so much fun writing them, and I like how they relate to Cassian so much. They're both so very similar to him in very different ways, they're actually kind of like two halves of his psychology? Draven is so self-aware in this deeply uncurious way - he's examined every sleeping dog and decided to let it lie, look forward repress it march on - and is so oddly gentle with Cassian (but still enabling him, let's face it). And Mothma is equally sharp but weaponises it, and matches Cassian's aggression tit for tat and actually manages to goad him into dealing with his shit. They're both these very well meaning, kind of toxic and endlessly well-meaning parental figures and I love them to pieces. These are the scenes I'll miss writing the most when this fic is over.

30. Have you ever written something that was out of your comfort zone? If so, what was it, and how did it affect your approach to writing fic thereafter?

Oh, for sure, and it was also TWTaS! I don't do long stringent plot, I'm a pantser! Do you know how hard it is to come up with a conspiracy as you're going along? There's a reason this plot is riddled with holes lol. Also, I never write action, that's so hard! And tame and unspecific as it is, TWTaS contains the only sex scene I've ever written, and I whined about it an embarrassing amount when I was working on it. I *hated* that scene when I first posted it, it was agonising. Looking back now, I think that chapter is the high point of the whole thing, and remains maybe the best thing I've ever written?

It's definitely made me braver to just try shit and see how it shakes out! Most of the stuff I dreaded doing turned out fine in the end - it also turned out very different from how I thought it would go, and it really showed me that the thing kind of comes to you. I'm a decently experienced writer at this point, and if I just take small stabs at it and let things happen, they tend to fall into place eventually, and I usually end up liking what I came up with a lot! (now to learn the same lesson for academia.... alas)

That and any attempt at comedic fic - I've only ever done that for Secret Santa exchanges, I think? But I really, really like the two (2) I did write, I think they actually came out funny!

Also, I did a lot of stylistic experimentation in my tiny three-part mafia AU Against Better Judgement (awful title), especially in "Rome's Still Burning", and it was very fun. I think giving yourself a very different and rigid style or theme to adhere to is a really useful writing exercise because you can't fall back on your usual patterns as much. In the same vein, I think when you write for only one fandom for too long, you get kind of set in your ways style-wise, so I like taking detours into other fandoms. I've found that my style will change up quite a bit that way. Sometimes, that works out really well for me (I'm so proud of my epistolary Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries fic and my The Book Thief crossover), sometimes it turns out kind of weird (my one The Americans fic I really like stylistically, but it's confusing to read - too much plot for the style that came out, I think). But it's always useful!

39. Is any aspect of your writing process inspired by other writers or people? If so, who?

Not really? I don't know that I *have* a process. I just put on music, open a word doc, stare at what I have, and then either add to it or not. It's very inefficient and I don't recommend it, but it's what I do.

Questions for Fic Writers

[mercurygray]

you’ve mentioned that TDS could be wrapped up in possibly 4-6 more chapters — what are your plans for after that? Are you planning to take a break? Start a new project? Anything you’re looking forward to?

Kind Anonymous Friend, I'll be real honest - I thought this was going to be a 'one chapter and we're done because no one is really going to read this' kind of a thing. Being here two and a half years later (with FANS and A FOLLOWING and A CAST OF LITERAL THOUSANDS) was not part of the plan - and if I'm being completely honest, I can't say I even have a plan!

I don't think I know how to take a break… but I'm also not sure I need one, either. I've done a really good job of pacing myself so I don't get burned out on this project, which is something I'm actually quite proud of. I do know I need to start thinking about what's going to fill in the hole finishing this project will leave in my creative life.

I'm looking forward to Masters of the Air, whenever that decides to grace us with its presence, and I'm sure I'll try something that will either tie into TDS, or go into another alternate history timeline, or simply play with some of the women who are already present in the story - I've been informed there may be several! This year I also started a little bit with House of the Dragon, but my characters there don't feel like they need a fully fledged story the way TDS has.

I've done a little event called Blind Dates for the last two years in February - a weekend writing exercise to come up with a brand new character for something. I'd like to continue that, and hopefully see it grow a little, too.

Soooo - we'll see!

[friday night boredom buster: the askbox is open!]

[lvllns]

forward, together

zevran and isseya in 50 sentences.

read on ao3.

******

1 — Air

Gasping against his collarbone, she shudders while her fingers grasp blindly at his back, trying in vain to find purchase on sweat slick skin; his breath against the side of her face is a ragged thing, brief before his teeth sink into the skin of her throat.

2 — Apples

The sharp twang of her bowstring snaps the silence as she looses an arrow, the red fruit that had been sitting atop his head pinned neatly to the tree at his back.

3 — Beginning

At her feet in a pool of his own blood lies her would be assassin and she laughs; when he climbs to his feet to dip into a bow she can’t help but think that she’s just created a world of trouble for herself.

4 — Bugs

“It's always fucking spiders,” growling as she spins, firing twice in rapid succession to catch the largest one in the abdomen; Zevran takes the opportunity to drag both daggers through its body.

5 — Coffee

“You only had one sip amora,” he looks amused as she fidgets on the couch in their bedroom, eyes wide and leg bouncing erratically; it takes four hours for her to calm down enough to speak without running her words together in one breath.

6 — Dark

He is not by her side when she wakes, the Deep Roads pressing in around her.

7 — Despair

One of them is going to die to save the world and it cannot be the future King of Ferelden so she heads to her room, blinking back tears; she does not know how she will tell him.

8 — Doors

She imagines the rest of the party members are grateful for something solid they can shut behind them when she takes Zevran by the hand and drags him up the stairs to their room.

9 — Drink

“Oh that is foul ma vhenan,” eyes watering she shoves the bottle back into his hands as his laughter fills the air; “You’re a filthy liar, that’s not your precious brandy at all.”

10 — Duty

She is preparing to die when Morrigan offers her a choice; leaving Alistair in his room with the witch makes something burn behind her ribs.

11 — Earth

No matter how much time has passed, when he inhales against the skin of her neck she always smells like pine trees and sap and something bright that makes his heart skip a few beats.

12 — End

She turns down his earring.

13 — Fall

Gentle hands wrap a scarf around his neck, tucking the ends together before she leans up to kiss his cheek; “I know you cannot handle the growing cold vhenan, stay warm.”

14 — Fire

He teaches her Wicked Grace while they should be keeping watch; she cheats almost immediately.

15 — Flexible

He presses against her, bending over her body with one of her legs hooked over his shoulder as one hand grips her wrists, pressing them into the bed above her head; later, with sweat just beginning to dry on their bodies, he lays atop her and she wraps her legs firmly around his back, hooking her ankles together while she drags fingers through her hair.

16 — Flying

Denerim is blanketed in shadow, a scream shattering the air as the Archdemon sweeps overhead and she swallows hard, they could very well die and she turns to say something, anything, to the assassin at her side but he silences her with a kiss.

17 — Food

One can only take Alistair’s cooking for so long; she bags a ram and Zevran acquires a variety of vegetables and spices and they roast everything over an open flame; it’s the most delicious thing any of them have eaten in weeks.

18 — Foot

“You remembered,” her voice is rough, eyes watering as she clutches the new footwraps in her hands, looking up to find him blushing; “Of course I did amora, of course I did.”

19 — Grave

Tamlen rests beneath a sapling.

20 — Green

“If you get a fancy new outfit, I want one too,” she had been so petulant when she spoke — chin tilted up and eyes narrowed — but he went out and found her a fucking cape that reminds her of aravels and halla and tall trees; it isn’t until later that she remembers the brief mention days ago of a Dalish vendor just outside the city.

21 — Head

She does not get on her knees for anyone except him.

22 — Hollow

There’s a distance between them now, something that cleans out the spot behind her ribs that he’d taken for himself, and she wonders if she should have just accepted the damn earring.

23 — Honor

The apartment in Antiva has become home to them, a place they return to after their travels are done pulling them away, so she sets up a small altar to Falon’din and leaves owl feathers and chunks of obsidian and she explains to Zevran what this means to her.

24 — Hope

Morrigan writes and they leave Rivain to head back to Soldier’s Peak; she is so close she can taste it.

25 — Light

With a yawn she rolls over, finding the space next to her empty; her brow furrows until she flips back over and finds Zevran looking out the window, watching the sunrise.

26 — Lost

She stumbles after Duncan, tripping over roots and rocks, her mind elsewhere as the Taint thunders through her veins.

27 — Metal

She takes his earring the second time.

28 — New

The gloves are beautiful, hand stitched and smelling of leather, and she has that sweet smile on her face when he pulls them on.

29 — Old

Her fingers brush the wrinkles at the corner of his eye, a fond smile on her face; he kisses the laughter lines around her mouth and thanks the Maker for the time they’ve been given.

30 — Peace

Denerim is celebrating the end of the Blight but she can only think about how nothing calm can last, something will ripple the waters eventually; Zevran takes her hand, lacing their fingers together and she allows herself to breathe, there is time to enjoy what they have been given.

31 — Poison

“You are utterly hopeless,” he’s teasing her and she shoves his shoulder, setting the glass flask down next to the deathroot; “It’s not my fault this is so complicated,” she whines as he snorts, wrapping his arms around her.

32 — Pretty

The braided leather around his left wrist is plain and worn but it still makes his breath hitch every time he looks at it.

33 — Rain

Soaking wet and shivering she bursts through the door of their apartment in Antiva, laughing when he yells about getting water on the floor from the other room.

34 — Regret

When they visit Alistair, the crown sits atop his head like it belongs there and she feels something that had been settled tightly around her heart ease.

35 — Roses

Bright red blooms wind up the walls of the buildings next to them but she hardly pays them any mind as they walk down the street hand in hand.

36 — Secret

Others cannot know what she has found, writing risks revealing the knowledge so she visits her Wardens in person; Zevran travels with her, always at her side, never seeing her go alone when he can follow.

37 — Snakes

Venomous is the best way she can think to describe the nobility, they posture and hiss and bite and she adds herself to Zevran’s offer of assassinating anyone Alistair might deem worthy.

38 — Snow

Ferelden greets them with a soft blanket when they return; they spend hours throwing snowballs at each other until their fingers are numb and their clothes are soaked.

39 — Solid

His chest against her back grounds her, gives her something to lean on while she chases away the remnants of a nightmare with thoughts of a brighter future.

40 — Spring

Years of training, of honing her talents and practicing until blood caused her fingers to slip from her bow, allows her to push off the ground with ease, leaping into the air as she releases an arrow at the genlock heading for Zevran.

41 — Stable

She tells him late one night — ma vhenan, my heart — and he’s never had the ground kicked out from beneath his feet so swiftly.

42 — Strange

Every morning he wakes to her curled up against him with her small hand holding his and every morning he has to remind himself that this is not a dream.

43 — Summer

The rain and the heat mix to create oppressive humidity that forces her to sprawl naked on their bed; he finds her later, when he comes home from the market, and she is sleeping so peacefully he almost regrets waking her with a kiss.

44 — Taboo

Armed elves always draw attention, especially very well armed elves and even more so when one is Dalish.

45 — Ugly

The scar splits her face, winding from the left side of her jaw across her cheek to the bridge of her nose, and even after years to heal and fade she cannot stop the wrinkle of her nose when she catches sight of it; later he will press his lips to it as he whispers the depths of his love against her skin.

46 — War

Templars and mages fight and they take care to use the chaos to keep themselves hidden and avoid any Inquisition scouts; she has not come this far only to be found on a slip up, not when she is so close to curing what blackens her veins.

47 — Water

He throws her into the lake just as he did so many years ago in Redcliffe and his heart swells when she breaks the surface with a smile on her face and a promise in her eyes.

48 — Welcome

Amaranthine is far, far behind her as she races off the ship and leaps into his arms.

49 — Winter

“I love you,” he says it so easily these days, so frequently, but it never fails to take her breath away and before she can react he’s pressing a kiss to her temple as he pulls the blanket tighter around them to ward off the chill.

50 — Wood

It’s such a nondescript box that she had thought nothing of it when she had seen it sitting on the table a few days ago, now however — now the box is everything, cracked open to reveal a thin silver band with a small bright green stone and he is on one knee in front of her and she cannot breathe and —

“Marry me amora?”

[cinnamonest]

Let's say that darling has been very well behaved for over a year, stockholm has long since instilled into them, and shyly asks if they can try for a baby. How would the boys react? Which ones are on board for knocking up his darling? Pls I'm so horny for breeding it's embarrassing.

Ahh I finally finished for these! It took a while lol but I tried to cover most of it

Zhongli is the best for taking care of you. He's not super panicky, but he is subtly concerned due to seeing his darling as so fragile. Constantly running around and getting you everything you ask for and a bunch of things you didn't ask for. Making sure you virtually never get up, gets you all the food you crave and the softest things to lay on.

And he'll insist on it. Like... He won't let you do anything, even those few freedoms you had before. Will constantly be checking up on you, probably won't leave the house. You're gonna be seeing even more of him than usual.

Now, yandere wise... An escape attempt during this time... Won't go over well. As usual, he kind of deludes himself about it, attributes it to hysteria of some sort, induced by your imbalanced hormones. That's ok. You just need something to keep you controlled. Unfortunately, he can't just give you hormonal control, as it could mess you or the baby up, so most likely it means keeping you heavily sedated. Makes things much easier.

He's surprisingly really good at handling a kid, though. Very gentle and capable, not particularly nervous, but not careless. He's one you won't have to worry about.

Albedo can be... Obnoxious. Bless him. You can't eat this, there's a .0002% chance it can harm the baby. You should sleep in this position, wake up at this time, do breathing exercises, constantly check your temperature and blood pressure and... You get the idea. He's very matter of fact about it, but deep down he's a nervous boi about it all. He's worried about possibilities of something bad happening, and will feel like it's his fault if something bad did happen. He'll be overall eager to actually have a kid though.

So he'll kind of rule your every action for a while - it's better not to challenge him, really, because if you do he'll go on and on about the medical, scientific reasons why you can't do this and have to do that. He's sweet about it though, you can tell he really cares. Outside of what he's dictated as necessary or forbidden by health reasons, he'll try to get you the things you want and crave, and will try to keep you sitting down as much as possible.

He gets extra nervous when holding a kid. Very stiff, perfectly still, probably gives it back very quickly out of nervousness.

Childe is ever the smug bastard. Wants to show you off, will take you places because look at him and the cute little wife he knocked up! It's a property thing, you're his little wife and he fucked you and now you have his baby. He's very proud of it all.

And actually, he'll be a little sweeter than usual all around, he's just in such a good mood. He'll have to lay off the sadistic tendencies for the sake of your health, so you get some respite in that regard, he becomes a lot more gentle, and will even do sweet things for you. He'll still be kind of condescending, though, teasing you as usual.

On a yan level, he's... More obsessive. In the past, he might have been one to leave little windows of opportunity to leave just to chase you, gave you wiggle room to be defiant so he could get the thrill of punishing you, but that's gone now. The moment you act up he'll lay down the consequences, and make it very clear you won't be disobeying from now on.

Holding a kid, he's more gentle than usual, but will definitely be one to pull some shit like pretending like he's about to drop it just to see you panic.

Bonus, a few years down the road he's gonna be super obsessive and showoff-y. Think Maes Hughes level of proud.

Diluc is kind of hilarious because he's a nervous wreck. It's adorable. It gets annoying kinda fast, though, he's constantly panicked over every little thing you do, acts like a slight pained groan is a sign that you're dying or something. He's kind of embarrassed about his own tendency to be overly worried, and he'll cave to being teased about it. He'll be very happy initially because it fits the ideal in his head of what he wants, though.

He's actually not particularly worse, because you're already pretty restricted. He will, however, significantly reduce the number of people that come to the winery, instead choosing to meet all of his appointments elsewhere if not cancel them entirely. He doesn't like people being close to you, even just in proximity - even if they don't know you're there, it makes him feel uneasy. He'll check on you frequently, more than usual, and insist on everything you eat, drink, and every waking moment is accounted for and approved of.

He'll hesitate to hold one because he's so nervous about dropping it or something. And he nearly does because he's so trembling. Again, it's actually really cute, and he's definitely embarrassed by it.

Kaeya is... Problematic. As I've said before, he's actually one of a few where you run the risk of jealousy. It's incredibly immature, and he's well aware of that, so he'll keep it well hidden. But it kind of irks him if he sees how much you stress over a baby. As a result, he's one of the ones who might actually be in a worse mood than he was before. He'll need a lot of reassurance, not in those exact words because he's too proud to say so directly, but reassurance that you'll always love him more. And it's in your best interest to give an affirmative answer. Pregnancy with him would probably be an accident, but if you ask he might agree to it.

Will definitely be more restrictive, and potentially a bit rougher, even. He'll still feel bad for you and do things for you, but he'll cling to you even more, and more shamelessly than usual. He'll double check the locked doors, make sure there's a guard posted to grab you if you try to bolt. If you do, it's even less pretty than usual. He'd be one that isn't afraid to threaten you, really. If you like a kid so much more than him, you wouldn't want him to take the kid away and give it to someone else once it's born, would you?

If holding it, he kinda... Calms down. A lot of those doubts and negative feelings are still there, but he can't help but feel an affection too. He'll get really quiet, but serious.

Xingqiu is a bit similar to Albedo. Very matter of fact about it all, and boy does his research. He's happy about it and gladly will knock you up, but he's very particular about everything. Like, good God, you didn't know there were so many books on pregnancy. He's a worrier, but he's got a little bratty pride and won't let you know he's a nervous wreck about it all. He makes himself out to be The Expert, but he's actually pretty worried about your health. Similarly, he'll regulate you quite a bit, insist on having his family's servants do things for you, so he doesn't have to spend a second away from your side.

He likes to spend a lot of time fantasizing, though, he's also one of those that really likes to do "child planning." He's got their education planned out, he's got lists of names, he smiles as he daydreams about doing this and that. Overall he's one of the best you can have in this regard.

He's the gentlest little thing if he's holding a child. You don't have to worry about anything, really, he's soft and gentle and probably the best of all for holding.

Razor is, and y'all saw this coming, very pleased! Generally in a very good mood, smiling and nuzzling you even more than usual. To be honest, your lifestyle doesn't change much, still consisting of sitting around all day, but he insists you sleep more, and will trade any walks you used to take with even more naps.

Likes to lay his head on your belly, generally just being extremely physically affectionate, cuddly and nuzzly even more than usual, which is saying something tbh. He's the opposite of the Albedo/Xingqiu type - he'll be asking you questions because he understands the very basic concept of fuck -> pregnant -> baby, but ???? How does it work? Why are you so moody? Why are you craving weird food? Boy did not realize how much goes into it all and it's very confusing. You can use this to your advantage, though. Tell him humans can't fuck while pregnant or it's guaranteed to harm the baby or something - he'll be devastated but reluctantly accept it. You'll just have a sore throat for a while.

Please don't let this boy carry a baby without specifically teaching him how to do so. You'll have a heart attack when he tries to pick it up by the back of the neck or by the foot or something. He's happy though, at least.

Xiao is... Difficult. He'll be actually pretty easily agreeing to it, really, he has no real reason to object even if he's uneasy. He's kind of detached from it, and really his behavior doesn't change much outside of a few comments here or there and willingness to get you certain foods. He probably would find a trusted source to teach him what he needs to know on how to take care of you, he's too proud to ask you himself. It's safe to say his knowledge on it all is virtually zero, but deep down he IS concerned for your well-being, even if he doesn't show it very well.

Xiao's already one of the most restrictive yans, so like with Razor, your lifestyle doesn't change much - you go from being locked in a room all day... To be locked in a room all day, except now you're pregnant. He'll probably be more cautious to check on you more often, though.

Tbh, he's also one that might get a bit jealous, but he wouldn't know why, rather, doesn't recognize and understand his own feelings. He'll just kind of sulk a bit, even pout, it's pretty uncharacteristic and even a bit funny.

Holding a kid, you'll probably be a bit uneasy, just because he has no concept of gentleness, but he does surprisingly well if given instructions.

[komori--shoma]

Shoma Umi Komori.

🦢

(I'm sorry if my english is shitty-)

❛A sad soul can kill faster than bacteria.❜

—𝐽𝑜𝒉𝑛 𝑆𝑡𝑒𝑖𝑛𝑏𝑒𝑐𝑘

⟅☙⟆ Universe ⟅☙⟆

Diabolik Lovers. I plan, however, to take her out of the universe and make her a character of her own. Or maybe I'll just drop it and do both. Who knows?

⟅☙⟆ Full Name ⟅☙⟆

Shoma Umi Komori.

"Shoma" is a Japanese name that means "Woman who seeks the truth, who is not conformist at all."  Her second name, "Umi", is also a Japanese name that means "ocean".

⟅☙⟆ Kanji ⟅☙⟆

シ ョ マ

⟅☙⟆ Nickname ⟅☙⟆

Despite being initially confused by these, as she was not used to it, she was given the nickname "Engel" (which means "Angel" in German) by a family quite close to her.  The nickname was given by the mother and head of the family, since in the eyes of that woman, Shoma is an angel.

Seiji, who was the adoptive father of the girl, called the young woman "Astertea", which is quite a "peculiar" name in the bible.

Yui, with whom she is no longer in contact with Shoma, used to call her "Sho" or "Shomi" affectionately.

⟅☙⟆ Age ⟅☙⟆

She is eighteen years old, although she looks a bit younger.

⟅☙⟆ Gender ⟅☙⟆

Feminine.

⟅☙⟆ Sexual Orientation ⟅☙⟆

She doesn't know yet. Doesn't really bothers her to know.

⟅☙⟆ Height ⟅☙⟆

160 cm.

⟅☙⟆ Weight ⟅☙⟆

She used to weigh 35 kg., But now she is a proud 64.5 kg.

⟅☙⟆ Blood type ⟅☙⟆

OR-

⟅☙⟆ Status ⟅☙⟆

Alive.

⟅☙⟆ Race ⟅☙⟆

Human

⟅☙⟆ Birthday ⟅☙⟆

June 20th.

⟅☙⟆ Sign ⟅☙⟆

Gemini.

⟅☙⟆ Favorite Color ⟅☙⟆

Light blue and night blue.

⟅☙⟆ Appearance ⟅☙⟆

There is a great before and after in her appearance, and even though she is not shown in her story (at the end of the card), there was the occasional change in her future.

The girl has oculocutaneous albinism, so her skin and hair are snow-white.  Her hair, due to a small "situation", was long, straight and lifeless.  Her hair almost touched her waist, and she basically managed to cover her view.  She is now a cute short hairstyle down to the nape of hers, wavy and neat.

Her skin is very pale and fragile, although now she is somewhat better, before she was simply rough and damaged.  She has several deep burns and scars on this one as well.

The young woman, despite not having very good eyesight, has beautiful eyes of a light blue color, somewhat grayish.

She has a mark on her right leg in the shape of a fox with several stars on it.  It's a pretty special symbol, but she keeps it covered most of the time.

She usually did not wear clothes other than bandages to cover herself, although she still finds old clothes to wear, even though she was a little too big.  Now, she got used to wearing light clothes that cover most of her body;  like jeans, leggings, or long dresses with something underneath.  She doesn't really like to wear short or see-through clothes.

⟅☙⟆ Personality ⟅☙⟆

Many think that she simply doesn't have any kind of emotion. Shoma never shows any kind of expression in public, she is shown with her face up and with a look so cold that she makes it true to her appearance. The young woman is too serious, and depending on the person, it is very difficult to get her out of her typical attitude.

Sho is an elegant little girl, and full of grace despite all her troubles. She will never be friendly enough in front of someone (again, it depends on the person), but she will also not feel uncomfortable or unwelcome unless that is the goal of the little one. Shoma knows that she is able to erase someone from the earth fas if she wishes, but she doesn't abuse that thought, you just have to be careful not to make her angry or touch her too much.  It could be a big mistake.

Still, well ...

She is always alert, so it is very easy for her to get nervous or anxious most of the time.

She can also happen that she cannot do something right (she finds it very difficult to concentrate / think on several occasions, as well as sometimes she finds it difficult to understand what happens around her, etc).  Still, it is something that doesn't happen as much as before, after leaving the aforementioned situation in which she found herself.

She is easily frustrated, and this happens when she recognizes that she has trouble thinking.  It's very easy for her to cry or tear up in frustration (she doesn't do it in public, she refuses to do it, but that only makes it worse).  Also, her coping strategy is simply not talking about her emotions and keeping a straight face all the time.

Still, and even though she very reluctantly accepted help, Sho is willing to change and improve (even if she has to go through hell first).  She has shown to be too cunning for her age and to behave as if she were an adult, and even though she is slowly trying to behave according to her age, she is very difficult for her as well.

Anyway, Shoma can also be a girl who listens to others and is willing to do it regardless of the situation, and she is always there to be a shoulder on which one can cry.  She also tends to have fun when she feels calm around her, being one of the few moments when she feels and acts like a young little girl.

⟅☙⟆ Relatives ⟅☙⟆

⟣ Seiji Komori: Adoptive father.  Currently dead.

⟣ Yui Komori: Adoptive sister.  Currently alive.

⟅☙⟆ Favorite Food ⟅☙⟆

She doesn't have a single specific favorite food, but she definitely likes sweet and simple foods, like grated applesauce and banana, or a fruit salad.

⟅☙⟆ Hoobies ⟅☙⟆

⟣ Shoma likes to make paintings with her hands.  She serves to entertain him and clear her mind.

⟣ She also likes to make crowns with different types of flowers, even some bracelets and necklaces.

⟣ She has a certain fascination for mathematics and literature, so it is normal to see her do either of the two when she is bored.  The problem is when she has a hard time doing a difficult exercise.

⟣ She Likes to play decorating and decision-making video games. She likes to decorate and combine, so it is normal for her as a hobby to do the odd combination in video games, or in a room.

⟣ It may not count as a hobby, but Shoma loves to watch an episode of a series that she likes or a movie many times to imitate the lines, as if it were some kind of dubbing attempt.

⟅☙⟆ Occupation ⟅☙⟆

None, she doesn't consider herself a student, even if she studies at home.

⟅☙⟆ Relationships ⟅☙⟆

⟣ Seiji Komori, adoptive father.

She did not have a good relationship with him no matter how hard she tried at the time.  It was too obvious the favoritism that he had with Yui, and how she always stayed in the shadow of the blonde.  Despite trying to be like Yui, he could never have any kind of acceptance with her father.

⟣ Yui Komori, adoptive sister.

He adored her with her soul. Yui was Shoma's heroine, and she always tried to follow her example despite her unruly attitude as a child.  The elder Komori was Shoma's world, and he simply wanted to be with her all the time.

Things have changed now. She can't even look at her. The disgust and hatred that he has for that now young woman is simply immense. And believe it when I say she tries; she tries too hard to forget so many things that caused this feeling, but she just can't.

⟣ Yvonne Beauchene, the right hand.

Shoma's only trusted person alongside her family.  Yvonne was Shoma's guardian from the day he arrived at the church, although she had some problems because of it, and that is the reason why she had to leave, but surely nothing bad could happen, right?

⟅☙⟆ Likes ⟅☙⟆

⟣ Despite not having tasted it in recent years, she liked (and still remembers the taste of it, so she still likes) Yvonne's orange tarts a lot.  She used to do them when Seiji was not at home for her, Yui and Shoma.

⟣ She loves music, especially the one that doesn't have any type of letter and is only a beautiful and hypnotizing melody. Her favorite, and also Yvonne's, is "The Vampire Masquerade", which is the melody which Yvonne met her husband.

⟣ Regarding the above, she usually daydreams many times with music in the background and she likes that (because the real world sucks and it is her only way out of the stress and anxiety that she feels most of the time). She sometimes even draws or paints those scenarios that are formed in her head.

⟣ As said before, she likes to play decorating and decision-making video games.  Also, despite having the face of wanting some horror games (these make her heart race and sometimes she has panic attacks), she prefers Animal Crossing by a lot.

⟣ Loves snakes (which are not poisonous), cats and dogs.  Snakes are very good company, and cats and dogs are responsible for keeping her calm.

⟅☙⟆ Dislikes ⟅☙⟆

⟣ Despite having been seen surviving based on it, she does not like meat very much.  Of course, she can bear it, she even likes some (very few) meat dishes !, but there are certain types of meat that remind him too much of ... well, her own meat.

⟣ Obviously, she can't stand going to churches or things related to religion.  She gets too anxious and nervous.

⟣ Her body and mind literally rejects any kind of physical affection if she doesn't know the person very well or doesn't trust them. It's no surprise, considering her personality.  Very few people are lucky enough to even put a hand on her shoulder and not get hurt (Shoma doesn't do it on purpose).

⟅☙⟆ Fears and Phobias ⟅☙⟆

⟣ Somniphobia: fear of sleeping.

Oneirophobia, somniphobia, clinophobia or hypnophobia is an irrational and excessive fear of the act of sleeping.  People who suffer from it enter a state of panic caused by the fear that while they are sleeping something terrible will happen to them, such as the possibility of stopping breathing or that they will never wake up, even knowing that there is no threat, but  they stay awake, presenting insomnia.  Some people who have this phobia associate going to bed with death.

In some cases, panic is unleashed by the belief that the dreams that will be had when sleeping are actually delusions and these will favor falling into a state of permanent madness.  This type of phobia generates a great deal of stress and significant physical and mental deterioration, so it is not uncommon for many people to end up suffering from hallucinations, a fact that further aggravates this type of phobia: fear of sleeping.

Shoma cannot sleep because various things used to happen during these.  She remembers well once a nun (then she disappeared without a trace) entered her room and hanged her, almost killing her if it weren't for Yui screaming for help.

⟣ Theophobia: fear of religion.

Theophobia is the fear or aversion to religion or the gods, and being more common among people who are raised in an environment of iron religiosity.  Theophobia can express itself as fear, aversion, anger, or other negative emotion towards religious practices.  In some cases, the theophobic representation can categorize the deity as an arbitrary totalitarian dictator or, conversely, as unworthy of worship.

It is common among people who suffer from theophobia to avoid religious texts, houses of worship (churches, mosques, synagogues ...) and even the parishioners of a religion.

The young woman lived in a church for years and was not treated as "a daughter of God", but as "an aberration of satan" by her father and certain nuns.  She causes him so much fear that, if there really is a god, she has abandoned her for "not being worthy".  Many things together caused this irrational fear of religion in general.

⟣ Hafephobia: fear of being touched.

Hafephobia is a specific phobic disorder (unlike agoraphobia or social phobia) that causes great suffering in the person who suffers from it.

It is an irrational fear of great intensity that manifests itself when the individual suffering from the phobia comes into physical contact with other people and is touched.  It produces a series of cognitive, physiological or behavioral responses, among which extreme anxiety and the attempt to avoid the feared stimulus to reduce the unpleasant sensation stand out.

Shoma, of course, is working on this and for now she's doing very well, but if she's some stranger, she isn't going to allow herself to be touched or touched by another individual. She is so afraid that every touch will turn into a blow or something to harm her.

⟣ Atazagoraphobia: fear of forgetting.

Atazagoraphobia is the excessive fear of forgetting, which includes both the fear of forgetting and the fear of being forgotten or replaced by others.  Despite the fact that it is a common sensation, atazagoraphobia has been little described in scientific language.  In fact, it has been more pointed out by philosophers and writers who speak of atazagoraphobia as the fear of eternal anonymity.

Shoma was literally forgotten or ignored from a young age, and she doesn't want to go through it again. She doesn't want to feel so cold again that she can't breathe properly or move. She can't, she doesn't want to...

⟅☙⟆ Headcannon Voice ⟅☙⟆

Mia Rodríguez.

⟅☙⟆ Skills ⟅☙⟆

⟣ She is impressively good with knives and razors.  She usually uses them for cooking.

⟣ Literally she can imitate many voices, even male ones.  She uses it to make jokes or for some plan (to get some dessert) that she has in mind.

⟣ She is becoming more and more independent, and that is why she is getting very good at cooking.  She even manages to focus on that rather than other things.

⟅☙⟆ Extra ⟅☙⟆

⟣ She has undiagnosed “attention deficit hyperactivity disorder”.

⟣ She tends to bite her arm or bite her nails if she is very anxious.

⟣ It is difficult for her to accept some changes in her life, but she manages to adapt step by step.

⟣ She likes to play with Yvonne's family, August, her husband, being Shoma's favorite.

⟣ She is considerably innocent of the world around her, but at the same time, she isn't.  She is aware that the world revolves around that filthy green paper, and she is very clever with it.  She knows that her "condition" and her situation may be a weak point, but it is for that reason that she is also careful who she hangs out with.

⟅☙⟆ History ⟅☙⟆

Shoma arrived at the doors of the Komori family church on May 22, 2001, with only a note that said "My name is Shoma, Mom and Dad can no longer take care of me," just three weeks after I was born. She was greeted by one of the local sisters, a favorite of the owner and leader of that church, Seiji Komori. The latter named was not on that cold night, with the snow falling slowly in that beautiful place, so the same sister took care of the girl in his absence.

A girl with blond hair and pink eyes like the petals of a cherry tree approached said sister, curious by the cries that began to be heard.  Seeing her up close, and seeing that beautiful celestial gaze, the seven-year-old girl took the girl in her arms (with the permission of her sister), and did not leave her during that night until the next day. It was no surprise to the sister that her crying stopped as soon as the young Komori began to gently cradle her in her arms.

Still, from the moment Seiji arrived, he knew that something was wrong with the girl, that she was "not human", and that he probably knew whose "gift" it was.  Shoma was unwelcome, and he couldn't show her that in public, not with Yui close to her. Also, the plan deviated. No, he isn't supposed to have two daughters, and she is supposed to be just one more orphan, but the young blonde girl already called her "Shoma Umi Komori", and that could be ... Something dangerous for him.  Obviously, the orders for Shoma to come to his office were not long in coming as soon as he was two years old.

What Shoma saw in her supposed father's room was sealed in her mind, and nothing else. Every time Shoma was called to her father's office, her heart raced because she knew something bad was going to happen.  Every time that happened it was because she Shoma found out more and more that she was going to happen to every sixteen, maybe seventeen-year-old on certain dates. It was because Shoma knew too much about her, and if he couldn't make her forget everything she had seen, then she would silence her to her grave.  Every time Shoma gained courage and told Yui, she was scolded for inventing such things, and she would see her father again for "breaking her promise" to him.

The only one who managed to believe her is the same sister who received her the day Shoma arrived there, although that same sister would get a serious face everytime Sho told her that, she never had to see her father when she told Yvonne.

But, one day, Seiji went a bit far with the punishments, and let the fury just blind him, even if he didn't even regret it afterwards.  Seeing Shoma talk to someone... Important, once this man left the church it just infuriated him. That man's smile when he stopped talking to her and saw him in the eye was not good news at all.  That night, everyone heard the screams of a three-year-old girl resound throughout the establishment, and she was found in the middle of the hall with a desperate Seiji, saying that she had been playing with a poker and that she tripped, with it smacking part of her face.

Shoma began to startle every time someone moved near her, every time someone placed her hand on some part of her body, or when they called her, or when they approached her. She didn't separate from Yui or the sister she trusted so much, and even though it started to be annoying for Yui as she grew older, there were very few times when she was really rude to Shoma due to the fatigue of having her on her back every day three seconds, but they just didn't help Shoma with her fear of being alone, either with Seiji, or with certain nuns. The sister who had her trust steadfastly refused to leave her alone if she wasn't with Yui, although it was only because she slipped out of sight once.

Things escalated to the worse on December 12, 2006, at exactly a quarter past two in the morning.  It was precisely an exhausting day for the girl, because the nun who was taking care of her and her sister had to leave due to family problems, or so they told her.

The albino-haired girl couldn't sleep due to some nightmares, even though she had become very habitual.  The young woman began to hear murmurs and footsteps outside the room that she shared with Yui, and she could make out her father's voice.  She could make out her desperate tone from her ... And, strangely, anger.

Carefully, she got out of her bed without making any noise, but following a little voice in her head, she took the camera that belonged to the blonde that was a gift from her only trusted caregiver, and opened  slowly the door.  Her father had locked himself in her office, and she could hear someone else's voice.  On tiptoe, he approached the door ajar, and looked behind it.  Tears welled up in her eyes as she saw the body of one of the older girls on the ground, tied up and with blood pouring from her head.  That memory is somewhat blurry, but it remembers very well various parts of the conversation between her father and a man with long hair.  She took photos, and to her surprise, they did not have flash, and the photos came out perfectly ... That woman had many strange objects.

Once she finished, she turned, intending to leave, but one of the nuns spotted her, yelling to warn Seiji. Shoma wasted no time running and closing in on her sister's room, which she was awakened by her scream. Shoma told her everything quickly, leaving the photos to hide them, and the little girl didn't hesitate long to jump out the window (it was not the first time that she did that out of boredom), and she ran away from there.  Still, the nun had gone ahead, and it wasn't long to be just a few steps away from her with her father's poker, part of them burning. 

She remembers her sister with hatred seeing it all in horror and just standing there with the camera in her hands, shaking, to simply turn and turn her back on him.

In the blink of an eye, she was dragged by her hair by her "father" and other nuns, and before she had a chance to run away, the girl was thrown into the basement, away from other people, away from Yui, away from  everyone.  She tried to get out, scream, but no one ever came.

Nobody, nobody at all...

And here ends her story.  The young woman, thanks to her curiosity, sealed her fate.  She was destined to die in that place, even if she didn't want that, alone and starving, not knowing if Yui or someone would remember her...

But they say that there is always someone who takes care of us somewhere, right?  Even if she has no hope... Maybe there really is someone, even without her knowing it.

[echo-three-one]

Chapter 27

Who's still reading this? Have fun!

CW : character death (This spoils a lot I'm sorry but I have to put it.)

THE ROAD SO FAR

Previous Chapter : What's behind door number two?

Staying in Shape

John Price

MacTavish Residence, Glasgow, Scotland

It has been almost three days since the culmination of the New York Attack and most of his contacts regarding Nero and Shepherd's movements were quiet. He was getting anxious to step back into the fight, but without sufficient intel, or even better weapons, they couldn't do anything.

Price scanned the room, everyone else started to pair up with each other, a dynamic he expected to happen anytime soon. With all the challenges they've been through, finding love within each other was inevitable. And Price was fine by that. Heck, when he was younger, he had his fair share of romance during missions.

With the thought of Nero and Shepherd resurfacing any moment soon, Price devised a plan, to keep his crew in shape and always prepared to deploy as soon as sufficient intel is presented.

With the help of Jack, they created a training and endurance exercise schedule, where the soldiers, including Price himself, would follow to still continue to stay in shape and prepared for battle. They asked permission from Soap who was more than willing to help, an excited grin all over his face.

"I'll help you set up." he said, gaining a nod from the old man.

"France will train at the basement gym." He added and Soap nodded.

From that moment, the team started training, improving their physical abilities and endurance. Weapons training wasn't possible at the moment as they left it all in Brazil.

Jack overlooked the team from afar, Samantha and Maxine were at the gym helping out France's version of the training. They did the regular set of training from standard 141 protocol, using everyday materials in exchange for some of the equipment Soap didn't own. Price also instructed a specific dietary plan for the soldiers instead of just eating whatever they liked.

While on break, the two girls, Samantha and Maxine approached Price with an excited look in their eyes. Priced raised an eyebrow and asked what they were up to.

"Everyone's doing their best and We both wanted to offer our help." Samantha explained as Maxine inserted.

"We'd like to apply as the team's dietician and health consultant. My resumé is that I have vast knowledge in cooking along with their nutritional information." She grinned.

"And Samantha here has little background on tending to physical wounds and pain. You could see how fast Alex's face healed!" Maxine added. Price was more than happy to accept their offer, it goes to show that they were willing to give whatever it takes for the people and cause they cared about.

"Alright. Guess you're both hired." he chuckled as the two cheered and made their way to their respective 'partners', probably out to share the good news.

Wiping his sweaty forehead with a towel, he looked around the main room where everybody was. Jack was by the office, looking up something on the laptop or probably just playing solitaire. Soap and France were at the gazebo, he could barely see them by the angle he's at but he couldn't miss that flashy mohawk.

To his left, he saw Samantha sitting on Alex's lap as she carefully cleaned Alex's bruise, Roach sat on the other end of the sofa, chugging a bottle of Gatorade while Maxine stood behind him, he could barely hear it, but it looked like the newly hired dietician was already lecturing him about the benefits of said drink, saying the word 'electrolytes' somewhere in the sentence.

He felt proud that this team stood by him ever since he made that choice. He was very grateful that he had someone whom he shared common goals with.

"Price. It's for you." Jack called from the office, causing him to immediately get up and answer the call.

"Aye, this is Price. Got anything for me?" he muttered.

"John. Looks like your friend is on the move." Kate Laswell spoke on the other end of the line, her voice was authoritative as always.

"Which one?" he chuckled, it was about time he received some news.

"Shadow Company. Looks like they're brave using the same car again. Same plate and all." she informed, giving Price the last route they went before going cold once again. It led them to an empty warehouse just by the docks.

"Just what are these bastards up to…" he muttered.

"I have no idea. Think you'll do recon? It doesn't strike as a threat to warrant an official team, this leads really calling your name, John."

Laswell hinted. Despite him being out of the force and one of Fbi's most wanted, Kate insisted to use such perk for further trapping the suspicious Shepherd.

"I worked hard forming the 141 and he easily disbands it like it's nothing…" she added, her voice sounded very bitter.

"Now now, Kate. Take it easy. We'll get him. He's bound to fuck up anytime soon. Keep in touch, mkay?" he said as they both said their goodbyes and ended the call.

"A little recon mission won't hurt, right?" he nudged to Jack who grinned proudly at the solitaire victory screen, cards bounced all around the edges of the screen.

John Price found himself unable to sleep. It was either he's actually excited to do some missions or he's too worried about what they're about to discover, what would Shadow Company be up to and what is the quiet Nero planning behind the scenes? His thoughts raced to a dozen possibilities, all calling for drastic measures and sacrifices. He knew he had allies by his side, allies that are always ready to do whatever it takes to fix this mess.

He lazily dragged his feet to get a glass of water in the kitchen, despite being huge, the house was awfully quiet. Too quiet that he could hear every soft rustling from the halls.

He wasn't one to eavesdrop but he couldn't help but hear soft murmuring near MacTavish's bedroom.

"So.. um.. same time tomorrow?" said a low Scottish voice a chuckle followed. It was obviously Soap and Price thought only enemies were doing something behind the scenes.

"You wish.." a female voice giggled.

"But seriously… Thanks for tonight John." she added.

"No problem, Francine. So.. what's stopping you from staying overnight?" he chuckled. Price knew this was wrong but his glass of water was still half full.

"You know that I'd love to… but Maxine also needs me right now. Especially that she's slowly recovering bits and pieces of the past." she reasoned and Price knew it was time to head back to his room quietly.

Maxine Winters

MacTavish Residence, Glasgow, Scotland

It felt real. She looked around and felt that this was more than just an ordinary dream. The vision was too dark with a small ray of light peeking from the slightly ajar door.

She knew where this was. She liked hiding here, her parent's closet.

She was waiting for Francine to find her, Francine always knew where she hid. But in this certain memory, she wasn't there.

She giggled quietly and hushed herself as soon as the door opened, France was going to find her. But instead, what she heard was her Dad saying words of assurance followed by heavy breathing. She was curious enough to peek through the small opening.

Her dad carried her Mom to the bed, his hands held hers tight, wiping the sweat off her forehead as her chest rose and fell quickly, her breath was labored and her eyes looked tired.

"Hang in there, love. The doctor's on the way." his father assured, making his wife comfortable as they wait for help to arrive.

"I don't think I can make it anymore…" She whispered.

"No no no. Don't do this to me Coraline, don't you want to see our angels grow up?" he sobbed, tears fell on her hands as he kissed it. Maxine remained still, she wanted to cry but she just sat inside the closet, peeking, frozen in a mix of fear and worry.

"I do , Love … but it looks like my body can't make it to that day… I'm sorry…"

"Don't! Please Coraline, stay strong, for me… for the kids…"

"I am… and I know that you know it." she exhaled, panting heavily after the last sentence. Her Dad hugged her until her breathing stabilized, while Coraline weakly raised her hand and hugged him back.

"Promise me you'll see the kids grow up…

Promise me to tell them how much I love them every single day…

And promise me that you'll never forget how much I loved you… Francis Maximus Winters." tears fell from her tired eyes. Her dad held her cheek and wiped it off, sobbing as she slowly closed them.

"I'm not sure if I could keep all of those promises… but I will try… I love you Coraline Winters, I always have and I always will, until the time we'll meet again." he muttered. Maxine witnessed it all, the way her father's face frowned when he realized he just lost his wife. It was one of her saddest memories.

~

Maxine gasped and opened her eyes, touching her face as soon as they opened. Tears. She was crying while asleep. She flicked the lamp and looked around her, France wasn't around. Just as she pulled the sheets so she could leave the bed, the door knob slowly turned and a soft creak was heard. It was Francine.

"France!" Maxine gasped and immediately ran to her side, hugging her tight as she began crying. France smelled different, almost masculine, but she didn't mind.

"Max! What happened? Are you okay?" France quickly hugged her, rubbing her back as she quietly bawled out her emotions.

"I saw… " She panted.

"I saw… Mom…"

"Mom died…" She exhaled as Francine escorted her downstairs to the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water to calm her heart.

"You were in the closet. We were supposed to be playing hide and seek." France muttered as Maxine turned to her.

"Francis… Maximus Winters." she recalled.

"That's dad's name. It's quite long, right? Mom actually liked him because of it." France enlightened, trying to make Max calm down.

"Yeah… is he ?" Max asked.

"Yeah… but he's kinda forgot about us now. Every time we visit he just looks for Coraline."

"Mom."

"Yes."

"He kept his promise." Max said.

"Huh?" France tilted her head.

"Mom's last words. Promise me you'll see the kids grow up…

Promise me to tell them how much I love them every single day…

And promise me that you'll never forget how much I loved you…" Max recalled from her dream and as more words were added, France's sobs were louder.

"He… he did them all…" France cried as they both hugged each other. And it was the moment that Maxine remembered what France looked like when they first met, her smile… It was the smile of someone who was finally reunited with her only family, and it was painful how the only ones she could cling to couldn't remember her.

"What's that smell?" Maxine asked as she killed the mood of the sisterly hug. France's face turned red, even in the dimly lit room, Max could tell that she was blushing.

"N-Nothing… I don't smell anything." She laughed nervously.

"I swear I passed by that scent somewhere…" she looked at her suspiciously and laughed, shrugging it off which actually made France relax her shoulders.

"Let's go back to sleep." Maxine invited her sister and they both got back to their room.

Next Chapter : Docked and Loaded

Notification Squad my Beloved

@beemybee @enderio @smokeywhalee @samatedeansbroccoli @whimsywispsblog @ricinbach

[dxmedstudent]

Hi dx, I'm starting med school this fall and moving to Ireland to do so! Ive got chronic fatigue though and Im worried about being able to manage the workload. Im on meds so I'm doing pretty well, working 10 hour days rn with a 2 hour commute, but im pretty drained at the end of it. Have you or any of your followers got any suggestions for handling med school when youre just so tired all the time?

And another ask:Hi, following on from the anon asking about studying, do you have any specific tips for studying medicine with chronic fatigue? I find sitting in lectures (and the journey to and from) drains me even more than I am usually. Thanks and have a great day!            Hey, peeps! So I have someone important in my life who has gone through a chronic fatigue condition in med school. I’ve seen a lot through what they went through, but I wanted to be able to give a more useful answer. I took a little time to think, and to ask them what advice they would give.  They gave me permission to share an edited version with you.

It is possible to get through medical school with chronic health problems. Don’t let other people tell you otherwise. You may encounter people who doubt you, but never let them get to you. Remember that many people with chronic illness have achieved great things and it doesn’t have to be a barrier to  success. 

There is usually a way to get through whatever obstacle comes up. The key is to take everything literally one day at a time, and do not get overwhelmed by thinking about all the demands for the year at once. Focus on what needs to be done right now. Next week is another     week. 

Let  yourself have setbacks, and don’t give up when you have worse periods of health. There will be times when you’re more tired and stressed, but you have to give yourself space to recover back from that. Remember that everyone, whatever their health status, has bad times, and that usually they will pass. If things aren’t getting better, talk to your family, friends, personal tutor at university.  Seek help with clincians.

Keep in touch with your fatigue clinicians and be open about new obstacles and your fears about things. They can help with a lot of problem-solving aspects and support you during times of difficulty. They are also useful to rant to when you are stressed out as they know a lot about the problems of people with CFS who they’ve seen in clinical practice. 

Consider reading books on CBT and acceptance commitment therapy (ACT) - these have really helped me through psychologically difficult situations and build resilience when medical school has thrown difficult things at me. In the hardest year of medical school it really helped to have written advice to look at when various situations came up. 

Tell the university (occupational health, senior tutor, personal tutor etc.) - I cannot stress this enough. It is confidential, and they have to   accommodate you because it is a disability. This can become really important if you have issues completing sign-offs/assignments on time, getting hospital placements closer to home, getting extra time in exams etc. It can also be useful if you have problems with exams (not being well enough to do a sitting) for the university to know what is going on and how best they can help you. If they do not know what is going on, then they cannot help you. This is one of the best things I did at medical school in terms of having a safety net for when things were more difficult. 

Do not feel you have to attend 100% of everything. If you are feeling very   fatigued and not gaining much by that point in the day, it is usually     better to go home and do some quality studying at home. So many students who have no health problems will go home early, so do not feel guilty for doing so when you feel fatigued and like you’re not having a good day. Just remember to catch up what you’ve missed. 

Talk to the students in the year above about what the demands of the coming year are like, what the exams are like, what textbooks/resources to use,  and other *off the record* tips which the university would never tell you. This will help you out in planning how to approach the work for that year. It is very important to know what you’re preparing for and the best way in which to do it. 

On placement, talk to the teaching fellow/head of the placement if you have any issues completing tasks or sign-offs etc. They can help you and give you advice about how to get things done. This has been of great comfort to me during placements where sign-offs have been very tricky and I’ve worried about whether or not I will complete everything. Also ask how previous students did it - you’re not the first cohort who’s gone through the system. 

Let yourself adjust the intensity of your concentration when attending     lectures/seminars. Some days you’ll be able to be at your highest level of     functioning, and other days you may feel less functional.  Your levels might look something like:

Highest  level: concentrate/listen, participate/answer questions, write down notes.

Medium: concentrate/listen, no writing or participating.

Low: zoning out some of the time (5 mins etc), prioritising more important slides or mentally checking in again when possible. 

Use breaks during lecture days to really give yourself a breather. It is best to physically leave the space where the lecture took place, ideally go to a canteen and have a snack (food and drink are very important for boosts), or go outside (fresh air is important). Let your brain truly wonder and do  something not related to university or teaching. Don’t hang around with peers unless they talk about things which are less brain intensive or   non-university topics. 

Take on a reasonable workload during group assignments, and don’t let other students foist extra work or their work on you. Be strict about your role and that you will not do their work for them. 

E-books (textbooks) - either download pdfs and upload on google drive etc. or buy on kindle etc. This is VERY useful for reading and studying whilst out and  about for medical school, and fitting in revision during parts of the day which are empty/less busy. There are often quite a few times where you will be waiting around between teaching/clinics/hospital activities and if you use your time wisely you can really get a lot done. You can also read on public transport when commuting which is a good use of that time too.This becomes especially important close to exams where time management is key. This is one of the best things I did. 

Pacing - plan for deadlines in advance. If you have sign offs/essays/histories to do, space them out and plan everything in advance. Make a plan and stick to it, but be flexible enough to change things around if you don’t feel up to doing a particular task on that day. Make sure it is realistic personal timetable, and has time for you to attend university, study and complete assignments/sign-offs, as well as relaxation/social time.

 If you feel you are doing too much, cut back and do the bare minimum of what you need to do. Whilst it is nice to aim high and everyone at medical school is crazy competitive, the aim is to pass and go into the next year, and complete the degree. Scraping passes = still a doctor. Many people forget this, but the priority is to get by and become a competent doctor. You are doing what you can do, and you don’t need to get a Distinction in all your exams to be a good doctor. 

Do  not feel guilty for not being able to work as hard necessarily as other   students can all the time. Be proud of yourself for being there and for     doing something so difficult as medical school in the first place. Medical     school is very hard even for people who do not have any problems with     their health. There is really nothing wrong with coasting along and doing    just what needs to be done. It can be frustrating to not be able to do     more, but tell yourself that you’ve done your 100% which is all you can     give at this current time. Sometimes you’ll be able to do more, and     sometimes you’ll be able to do less. But don’t feel guilty about it. Know     that you are doing your best and that’s all that you can do. 

Similarly, everyone feels they are not doing enough/like they don’t know enough. Doctors on placements will also occasionally have a go at you, not  realising that actually for your level you do know enough. You may feel you like you’re not enough, but the truth is that everyone feels like     that. Many people at med school act like everything’s fine but underneath  the surface, we’re all working very hard and tired. 

You     are not alone - many people at med school have either physical or mental     health problems. They are all also battling through the challenges and you     are not alone in your difficulties. Remind yourself of that and know that     everyone is on their own journey/battle. 

Believe in the work-life balance Pie chart - Everyone should ideally have equal time in their day dedicated to 1/3  cognitive, 1/3 self care and 1/3 social activity. In med school, the latter two may fall back a bit even for students with no health problems, but it is very important for these things to be done consistently during med school. “If you can’t look after yourself, you won’t be able to look after other people”. The only way you can achieve your goals and look after patients etc is by looking after yourself (with the pie chart) and keeping yourself in the best health possible. 

Cognitive:studying, reading, academic extracurriculars, any activity where the mind is actively involved. 

Self care: pampering yourself, hobbies, leisure activities, exercise/yoga,     playing with pets, praying/worship etc. 

Social: going out with family or friends. Relationships. Support groups.     Societies/clubs etc. 

Join  support groups either in real life or on Facebook - it is really useful to have somewhere to rant about issues which specifically affect people with  CFS/ME, and to have their support when you have a hard day. Family and friends will not always understand everything you’re going through, even with the best of intentions, so it’s important to have peers with CFS/ME on those occasions. 

Don’t be afraid to turn down going out or doing extra things in the day if     you’re really not up to it. Better to keep yourself at a functioning level     than overdoing it because you feel you *should* be doing something. It’s    best to be honest with yourself about what you can do today. 

Learn to say no - if other people ask you to do things and you are feeling   overwhelmed at the time from work/personal life, do not feel bad about     saying no if you have reached your limit of how much you can cope. Do not  feel guilty about this, and realise that it is crucial to not take on too     much at once, in looking after your health for your ability to get through     medical school. People can and will ask you to do things either not     realising that it’s over your coping limits or not caring. You have to learn to put yourself first and forward and know your limits - it is not worth the payback which can inevitably happen when we overdo our limits.     Medical school does not give you a lot of time to rest or recover, so you     really have to make sure you keep yourself functional and within your     limits. 

Work  steadily during the year - if you have fatigue then you cannot leave   things last minute and cope with the physical and mental stress of this.     Make sure you are making notes and keeping up during the year, and     increase your revision before exams to a comfortable level. Be careful not  to overdo it in terms of number it hours a day, as most likely you will     lose your concentration and not absorb the information anyway. Best to do revision in chunks, with breaks and other things to break up the day. If the next day you get payback, it’s a sign to dial back the number of hours of revision. Even if you’re doing less hours of revision than you planned, if you’re better focused and rested you will pick up more information.     “Quality not quantity”. 

I hope this helps! Good luck with your studies, and I hope that things go well for you in the coming year.

[becesswonderwall]

It has been a week or two and I have barely read any book. I'm worried and panicking because even my law books are haven't touched this quite long (it feels like I don't care anymore?! No! I have to put my head on focus!!! I have to regain back my energy for the things I want to accomplish. Please😭) and other school requirements of mine are either being cared less or ignored by me. Ya Allah, help me out from this hell in me. I'm running out of sane. Please calm my mind and soul. I expected this year to be productive no matter how stormy the weather is on a spring or summer days. Just like before... I have no right to ask why is this happening but Ya Allah plesse help me out not to fail my expectations. Please... And always forgive me, grant me ease and bless me, Ya Allah. Please.😭💔 Ameen.🙏

(The photos here shows I'm trying to beat my sadness and I guess today's the first day of the new month. The smiles are fake and are just to fool people around me.💔 Happy April fool's day!🤧 Actually, everyday is an April fool's day to me.😭🎭)

P. S. And Ya Allah, make me a happy person. Don't let me take for granted all those other reasons to be happy even on my SAD days. Ameen.

***(seasonal affective disorder – I think, no, I don't just think, I am sure of it now. I'm positive to this kind of sickness. I reviewed my journals and now social media posts and stories and I'm like, I'm right again about how I feel, it's like patterned! I'm right about telling myself that this is not just to be called depression (the last time my cousin and I had convo, I told her that I think it's a developed depression. But she don't see me acting crazy and I kept on arguing because it feels like I'm certain. Because I'm certain how I feel, I can't control it. I sleep like never end, I'm getting fatter everyday even thou I don't even eat rice much or at all and no alarm could wake me up anymore.)

And now i knew it, starting today I must overcome and fight it!

And this time let me just recall, i think my SAD days started its rapid growth after my Mom. I used to be an active person. I'm proud that I took care of Mom and it made me feel like a nurse without a license after graduating college. I remember, I also have night shifts, I need to set many alarms for her medicinal time in take, I needed to be awake just to prepare Mom's prescribed midnight snack. Actually, a medicinal snack or a medication transformed into a snack like or flavored into a juice and milk. They're actually very expensive medicinal snacks. On a day, I still have to attend her bath, she wanted it warm so I have to boil water for her. Then prepare her meals and check her day time meds, to convince her to eat like this because it's also nutritional and she needed it but, sometimes she don't like the taste or smell. Try to make her watch a movie sometime because she reads Quran like whole day, and remind her stretching, make her exercise a bit, but I always thank Allah for she never missed her salah prayer even days she never looked okay. Then I needed to shift into being chef for her, then cook something without additives– just plain dishes like traditional and no coloring or oil (and when she miss fry egg– it's so hard to make Sunnyside up egg without oil, sometimes I needed a veggie leaf, I can't even use an olive oil and I still don't know why) afterwards, plan ahead what kind of meals I have to prepare for her to the next meals and do her laundry. And to take note everything she's going to say to me. Or her reminders. Or her doctors... Then be a law student at 3-7pm. I used to be very strong, tidy and not sluggish. I used to cheer her up and people. And I actually thought my SAD days are over after my college graduation. And I think, my SAD days started after Dad.😭💔 I super duper missed them both! (May Allah grant them both highest elevation in Janna-tul-firdaus. Allahumma ameen. I'm both sad and proud because they're my parents. I'm sad because I missed them so much, I miss their love. I miss talking to them. And I feel sad because I'm getting weaker day by day and they didn't taught me how to be weak. Maybe to be patient, but it's so hard. My shoes are heavy. I accepted the fact that I can't fly but why can't I even run or jump when I wanted or needed to just jump or run. *I'm crying again* I don't know what to do with my sadness... it feels like... I'm an orange or lemon fruit being crushed or squeezed and it makes all my tears out from eyes.)

[brandyfields66-blog]

This 9-Week Squat Challenge Gave Me a Butt I'm Finally Proud Of

I'm not your average exerciser. I grew up playing varsity sports (soccer, swimming, more soccer). I played on a nationally ranked rugby team in college. And I now CrossFit six days week. I have shapely arms and a strong core–yet, I hate my tush. (And I hated it even when my parents still called it my "patootie”.)

It's the butt my relatives used as an excuse to kick me off their laps. “It's too bony!” they'd say. The butt whose absence became even more apparent when I started strength training, the butt that's the reason I wear long cardigans whenever I shimmy into a pair of jeans.

The truth is, the appearance of my butt is partially out of my control. “Genetics is a major component of where we store our fat and how we develop muscle, so genetics is a huge determinator of the size and shape of your butt,” physical therapist and certified strength and conditioning specialist Grayson Wickham, founder of Movement Vault, told me when he overheard me complaining of my flat rear.

Still, I thought there must be something I could do to make my bum a little more JLo and a little less JFlat. Besides, in addition to filling out pants, there are a ton of benefits of having stronger, bigger glutes: increased metabolism, improved posture, faster running, and lifting heavier weights during my CrossFit workouts.

So when I found out my CrossFit box was starting a nine-week squat challenge with CrossFit coach Ian Berger, founder of Altrufuel and the Endure Podcast, I was in. Could my peach really be just a couple months away? I decided I would squat (and squat hard) to find out.

RELATED: 11 Celeb-Approved Workouts for a Toned, Sculpted Butt

The plan in full is below, courtesy of Berger. The TL;DR version? On Mondays we front squat, and on Wednesdays we back squat, for eight weeks. On the ninth week, we test ourselves. 

9-Week Squat Cycle

Monday

Wednesday

  Front Squat

Back Squat

Week 1

5 rep max (5RM)

5 rep max (5RM)

Week 2

4 sets of 9 reps at 75% of 5RM

4 sets of 9 reps at 75% of 5RM

Week 3

5 sets of 7 reps at 80% of 5RM

5 sets of 7 reps at 80% of 5RM

Week 4

7 sets of 5 reps at 90% of 5RM

7 sets of 5 reps at 90% of 5RM

Week 5

10 sets of 3 reps at 100% of 5RM

10 sets of 3 reps at 100% of 5RM

Week 6

3 sets of 10 reps at 65% of 5RM for speed

3 sets of 10 reps at 65% of 5RM for speed

Week 7

1 set of 5 reps of 90% of 5RM

2 sets of 4 reps at 92.5% of 5RM

3 sets of 3 reps at 95% of 5RM

1 set of 5 reps of 90% of 5RM

2 sets of 4 reps at 92.5% of 5RM

3 sets of 3 reps at 95% of 5RM

Week 8

3 sets of 5 reps at 105% of 5RM

3 sets of 5 reps at 105% of 5RM

Week 9

Test 3 rep max

Test 3 rep max

All the CrossFitters participating in the program with me had, at the very least, a one-week onboarding process to learn how to properly back and front squat with a barbell. And we had Coach Berger there to make sure we were resting enough (but not too much!) between sets. Wickham suggests that beginner squatters first master the air squat and the goblet squat before progressing to the barbell and embarking on this kind of program.

If you're ready for something like this, here's how to do the exercises.

The back squat

Position a barbell on a rack so that it's level with your collarbones, and place your hands shoulder-width apart on the bar. Step under it so that it rests on the tops of your shoulders, then squeeze your elbows down to "pull" the bar towards you. Gently lift the barbell off the rack, and take two steps back. Position your feet shoulder-width apart with your toes facing slightly out. Inhale and drop your hips down and back to lower into your squat. As you exhale, push through your heels to stand up, making sure your knees don't fall inward. That's one rep.

The front squat

Position a barbell on a rack so that it's level with your collarbones, and place your hands shoulder-width apart on the bar. Step toward the barbell so that it's resting along your chest, then gently lift it off the rack, and take two steps back. Stand with your feet hip-width to shoulder-width apart. Brace your core, inhale, then drop your butt back and down as you keep your chest up, sitting back onto your heels without shifting your weight forward onto the balls of your feet. Exhale and drive through your heels. Come back up to standing and give your glutes a squeeze. That's one rep.

RELATED: Can You Lose Weight Just from Your Butt?

My experience

Like I said, I've been lifting and CrossFitting for quite a few years, so I more or less had the movements down before I started this challenge. But it was nice having a pro like Coach Berger there every step of the way to give me form tips if things got sloppy. Here's how following this booty-building program went for me.

Weeks 1-3: Everything hurts and I'm starving

I started the program feeling excited. I wore booty shorts every day we squatted for the first month of the program as if to say, “See ya later, tiny tuchus!” I felt optimistic–I front squatted 185 pounds for five reps and back squatted 200, if you must know–and was surprised that these lifting sessions only took about 20 minutes total each day. But I woke up every Tuesday and Thursday morning–after lifting the previous night–sore. And hangry.

And it wasn't just my glutes that were sore. It was everything! According to certified personal trainer Alex Silver-Fagan, a Nike and MIRROR trainer, yoga instructor, and founder of FlowIntoStrong, that's totally normally. “Barbell squats work your entire lower body as well as your core, plus the upper and lower back.”

As for the increased hunger? Also normal. “In addition to building up strength, heavy squats can rev up your metabolism,” says Silver-Fagan. But properly fueling is actually a key part of booty growth, she says, so she encouraged me to eat as my body needed.

Weeks 4-6: I started taking the elevator–and focusing on recovery

Status update: still sore. I started taking the elevator up the three flights to my apartment, which felt seriously defeating considering when I first moved in I'd promised myself I'd stay away from the elevator unless I broke my legs (knock on wood). I started prioritizing my recovery after these squat sessions so hobbling up and down a few flights of stairs wasn't so “ouch!” producing.

I started using the TheraGun Professional Massager-you know, the jackhammer-esque tool you've seen celebs post about on Instagram-after my workouts, which definitely loosened the tight spots. I also made regular use of my foam roller, worked on my hip mobility, and definitely took a Pretty Woman-inspired bath or two.

Weeks 7-9: I'm definitely getting stronger and my whole body feels more stable

Seven weeks in, I could really tell I was getting strong–which was confirmed during the ninth week of the challenge when I was able to back and front squat 10 pounds more than I could during week one!

In addition to feeling like my bum was rounder, my core had definitely tightened up. "If you're doing a squat properly, you're bracing and engaging your core muscles for every single rep,” Silver-Fagan explains.

Truthfully, I felt sturdier all around. Lower-body exercises like squats promote stability in the knees, which can help prevent ACL tears (which are especially common in women), according to the American Council on Exercise. Sure, it could be all in my mind, but I think my knees do feel more stable!

The bottom line

I'm proud of myself for sticking to the program from beginning to end. I seriously got stronger, and my glutes looked bigger.

Silver-Fagan says these are the results I should have expected: “Sticking to any program that's intentionally designed by an expert is beneficial for increased strength and conditioning, especially a squat program. When you aren't on a specific program and instead vary your workouts every single day, your body can't begin to keep up and make change.”

Whether or not you should do a nine-week squat challenge depends on your personal goals. But for me, my new backside confidence and strength was definitely worth the investment.

To get our top stories delivered to your inbox, sign up for the Healthy Living newsletter

[reynoldslevi10-blog]

This 9-Week Squat Challenge Gave Me a Butt I'm Finally Proud Of

I'm not your average exerciser. I grew up playing varsity sports (soccer, swimming, more soccer). I played on a nationally ranked rugby team in college. And I now CrossFit six days week. I have shapely arms and a strong core–yet, I hate my tush. (And I hated it even when my parents still called it my "patootie”.)

It's the butt my relatives used as an excuse to kick me off their laps. “It's too bony!” they'd say. The butt whose absence became even more apparent when I started strength training, the butt that's the reason I wear long cardigans whenever I shimmy into a pair of jeans.

The truth is, the appearance of my butt is partially out of my control. “Genetics is a major component of where we store our fat and how we develop muscle, so genetics is a huge determinator of the size and shape of your butt,” physical therapist and certified strength and conditioning specialist Grayson Wickham, founder of Movement Vault, told me when he overheard me complaining of my flat rear.

Still, I thought there must be something I could do to make my bum a little more JLo and a little less JFlat. Besides, in addition to filling out pants, there are a ton of benefits of having stronger, bigger glutes: increased metabolism, improved posture, faster running, and lifting heavier weights during my CrossFit workouts.

So when I found out my CrossFit box was starting a nine-week squat challenge with CrossFit coach Ian Berger, founder of Altrufuel and the Endure Podcast, I was in. Could my peach really be just a couple months away? I decided I would squat (and squat hard) to find out.

RELATED: 11 Celeb-Approved Workouts for a Toned, Sculpted Butt

The plan in full is below, courtesy of Berger. The TL;DR version? On Mondays we front squat, and on Wednesdays we back squat, for eight weeks. On the ninth week, we test ourselves. 

9-Week Squat Cycle

Monday

Wednesday

  Front Squat

Back Squat

Week 1

5 rep max (5RM)

5 rep max (5RM)

Week 2

4 sets of 9 reps at 75% of 5RM

4 sets of 9 reps at 75% of 5RM

Week 3

5 sets of 7 reps at 80% of 5RM

5 sets of 7 reps at 80% of 5RM

Week 4

7 sets of 5 reps at 90% of 5RM

7 sets of 5 reps at 90% of 5RM

Week 5

10 sets of 3 reps at 100% of 5RM

10 sets of 3 reps at 100% of 5RM

Week 6

3 sets of 10 reps at 65% of 5RM for speed

3 sets of 10 reps at 65% of 5RM for speed

Week 7

1 set of 5 reps of 90% of 5RM

2 sets of 4 reps at 92.5% of 5RM

3 sets of 3 reps at 95% of 5RM

1 set of 5 reps of 90% of 5RM

2 sets of 4 reps at 92.5% of 5RM

3 sets of 3 reps at 95% of 5RM

Week 8

3 sets of 5 reps at 105% of 5RM

3 sets of 5 reps at 105% of 5RM

Week 9

Test 3 rep max

Test 3 rep max

All the CrossFitters participating in the program with me had, at the very least, a one-week onboarding process to learn how to properly back and front squat with a barbell. And we had Coach Berger there to make sure we were resting enough (but not too much!) between sets. Wickham suggests that beginner squatters first master the air squat and the goblet squat before progressing to the barbell and embarking on this kind of program.

If you're ready for something like this, here's how to do the exercises.

The back squat

Position a barbell on a rack so that it's level with your collarbones, and place your hands shoulder-width apart on the bar. Step under it so that it rests on the tops of your shoulders, then squeeze your elbows down to "pull" the bar towards you. Gently lift the barbell off the rack, and take two steps back. Position your feet shoulder-width apart with your toes facing slightly out. Inhale and drop your hips down and back to lower into your squat. As you exhale, push through your heels to stand up, making sure your knees don't fall inward. That's one rep.

The front squat

Position a barbell on a rack so that it's level with your collarbones, and place your hands shoulder-width apart on the bar. Step toward the barbell so that it's resting along your chest, then gently lift it off the rack, and take two steps back. Stand with your feet hip-width to shoulder-width apart. Brace your core, inhale, then drop your butt back and down as you keep your chest up, sitting back onto your heels without shifting your weight forward onto the balls of your feet. Exhale and drive through your heels. Come back up to standing and give your glutes a squeeze. That's one rep.

RELATED: Can You Lose Weight Just from Your Butt?

My experience

Like I said, I've been lifting and CrossFitting for quite a few years, so I more or less had the movements down before I started this challenge. But it was nice having a pro like Coach Berger there every step of the way to give me form tips if things got sloppy. Here's how following this booty-building program went for me.

Weeks 1-3: Everything hurts and I'm starving

I started the program feeling excited. I wore booty shorts every day we squatted for the first month of the program as if to say, “See ya later, tiny tuchus!” I felt optimistic–I front squatted 185 pounds for five reps and back squatted 200, if you must know–and was surprised that these lifting sessions only took about 20 minutes total each day. But I woke up every Tuesday and Thursday morning–after lifting the previous night–sore. And hangry.

And it wasn't just my glutes that were sore. It was everything! According to certified personal trainer Alex Silver-Fagan, a Nike and MIRROR trainer, yoga instructor, and founder of FlowIntoStrong, that's totally normally. “Barbell squats work your entire lower body as well as your core, plus the upper and lower back.”

As for the increased hunger? Also normal. “In addition to building up strength, heavy squats can rev up your metabolism,” says Silver-Fagan. But properly fueling is actually a key part of booty growth, she says, so she encouraged me to eat as my body needed.

Weeks 4-6: I started taking the elevator–and focusing on recovery

Status update: still sore. I started taking the elevator up the three flights to my apartment, which felt seriously defeating considering when I first moved in I'd promised myself I'd stay away from the elevator unless I broke my legs (knock on wood). I started prioritizing my recovery after these squat sessions so hobbling up and down a few flights of stairs wasn't so “ouch!” producing.

I started using the TheraGun Professional Massager-you know, the jackhammer-esque tool you've seen celebs post about on Instagram-after my workouts, which definitely loosened the tight spots. I also made regular use of my foam roller, worked on my hip mobility, and definitely took a Pretty Woman-inspired bath or two.

Weeks 7-9: I'm definitely getting stronger and my whole body feels more stable

Seven weeks in, I could really tell I was getting strong–which was confirmed during the ninth week of the challenge when I was able to back and front squat 10 pounds more than I could during week one!

In addition to feeling like my bum was rounder, my core had definitely tightened up. "If you're doing a squat properly, you're bracing and engaging your core muscles for every single rep,” Silver-Fagan explains.

Truthfully, I felt sturdier all around. Lower-body exercises like squats promote stability in the knees, which can help prevent ACL tears (which are especially common in women), according to the American Council on Exercise. Sure, it could be all in my mind, but I think my knees do feel more stable!

The bottom line

I'm proud of myself for sticking to the program from beginning to end. I seriously got stronger, and my glutes looked bigger.

Silver-Fagan says these are the results I should have expected: “Sticking to any program that's intentionally designed by an expert is beneficial for increased strength and conditioning, especially a squat program. When you aren't on a specific program and instead vary your workouts every single day, your body can't begin to keep up and make change.”

Whether or not you should do a nine-week squat challenge depends on your personal goals. But for me, my new backside confidence and strength was definitely worth the investment.

To get our top stories delivered to your inbox, sign up for the Healthy Living newsletter