#i'm also deeply sorry that this is so long on mobile

[johannestevans]

I'm 80% certain I discovered you through a story about a vampire and the guy he was feeding off of that I absolutely ADORED, but cannot seem to find! I remember it being pretty long, published on ao3, being an original work, and the two specific scenes I remember are: vampire standing behind the guy he's about to feed from and telling him many people find it pleasurable; and the vampire getting ill (and maybe passing out?) because some of the people he regularly feeds from got sick and he doesn't want to take their blood while they're recovering. if this was you (and very sorry if it is not!), could you share a link or the name? I loved it very much and have a few friends who I think would also enjoy it greatly! your writing is very fun and I enjoy reading your more serious essays and the.... more scandalous material :)

I found the vampire fic lmao anyway hell yeah for getting it published!

Haha, yes, it was initially on Ao3 and I actually took it down because I thought I had to, when it turns out I didn't!

Heart of Stone was my first novel, published in 2020, and it's a slowburn fade-to-black romance between an ADHD vampire named Henry Coffey and his new secretary, Theophilus Essex, who's big autism! It's full to the brim with neurodivergence and sweet gentle affection and a blossoming romance between the two of them.

Read reviews on GoodReads / / Read reviews on the Storygraph / / Buy on Amazon / / Buy on Smashwords

Thank you so much for reaching out, and I hope you enjoy it on the reread!

With my other serials that are on Ao3, such as Powder and Feathers (a contemporary dark romance between a fallen angel assassin and his deeply depressed artist boyfriend, originally inspired by Les Misérables) and An Uncommon Betrothal (an interwar romance between a lonely and self-isolated translator who's a polio survivor and relies on several mobility aids, and his butler-cum-fiancé who begins to connect him with other queer men like them), they're not going to be taken down even when I finish, re-edit, and then publish in paperback and eBook! They'll remain up.

I only would have had to take them down if I was enrolling in Amazon's KDP program, which I don't and won't.

[skellagirl]

been too long since I fired some rent-lowering gunshots around here

I've had my Half Life OC Sophie for like thirteen fuckin years now, and the last time I drew her was five years ago, almost to the day (I did reuse the pose here, if you notice! It was intentional)

I don't think I've ever actually talked about her in any sort of depth this entire time sdfsddsfsd

She's a former resistance sniper who stopped doing that after she was in a fire which gave her a bunch of scarring, and also left her partially deaf and blind in her left ear and eye, and with somewhat limited mobility in her left arm/hand and leg. Afterwards she gets into hydroponics and befriending a certain ditzy scientist and then making things really uncomfortable when she wants to be romantic but she's like. y'know. way younger than Kleiner is lol

shenanigans ensue

I actually have drawn their baby before too LMAO because I thought it'd be really funny if she was named Hedy. I still think it's funny tbh. Also to imagine Kleiner carrying her around like a little headcrab, just out of like, reflex from carrying Lamarr so much

Anyway yeah sorry to any of you who followed me after I posted that Chellmann piece thinking I was cool or whatever, I'm actually deeply embarrassing ✌️

[slpytired]

Watching the whole Gundam series in 2023 #14: Mobile Suit Gundam Unicorn Review

Mobile Suit Gundam Unicorn was directed by Kazuhiro Furuhashi and released as a 7-episode OVA series from March 12, 2010 to June 6, 2014. Set in the Universal Century year 0096, the plot follows Banagher Links as he pilots the titular Unicorn Gundam in the Third Neo Zeon War, alongside Zeon princess Minerva Lao Zabi, racing against the Sleeves to find the secret of Laplace's Box.

Sorry this took so long! I was busy for awhile, but now I'm back and I hope to churn out the rest of these reviews soon. At the time of writing this, I've just finished watching G-Reco and will soon be starting on Gundam 00. I didn't accomplish my goal of finishing the whole series in a year, but I'd say it was a pretty good attempt.

The first thing I noticed about this series was how good the animation looked. For a series animated in the 2010s, that utilises CGI for many, if not all, of its mecha action scenes, it holds up very well to modern day visuals. Every detail is visually fleshed out to perfection, from the effects of the Unicorn's psychoframe, to the beam sabers and blasts used by the various combatants, to the fine details such as missile hatches opening, ejecting spent ammo, and thruster exhaust. The character animations were exceptional as well, and again, they really hold up well 10 years later.

One of the major themes of Unicorn is Newtypes and the role in the Earth Sphere. By the in-universe time where this series takes place, the existence of Newtypes is well-known, most particularly by the Earth Federation, who view them as a threat. As evidenced by the event that ended the Second Neo Zeon war in UC 0093, Newtypes possess significant power that, if not kept in check, could pose a serious threat to humanity. Apart from being highly effective pilots who dominate every battlefield they appear on, they also represent the supposed evolution of humanity as a result of its expansion into space. This threatens the Earth Federation government as the unchecked power of enemy Newtypes could spell the end of their seat of power in the Earth Sphere, with the evolved Newtypes taking over as the new governors of humanity. As such, the UC Project was initiated to combat Newtypes and their accompanying weaponry. How ironic it is that the one who ended up in the cockpit of the Unicorn Gundam, the UC Project's flagship, was a Newtype himself.

However, the thematic role of Newtypes and their analogues in the Gundam series goes far beyond superior piloting, and it is in fact their deep empathy for others and ability to understand other living beings that sets them apart from the other characters in Gundam, and their central role in many of the UC timeline's major turning points shows just how empathy and understanding is what is needed to change the world, not colony drops, asteroid attacks, or any other form of violence and oppression. The message of the Laplace's Box points to this: calling for Newtypes to be given stewardship of humanity in the future of the Universal Century. Banagher embodies many of the quintessential Newtype qualities the series is known for, caring deeply for the lives of both his allies and enemies, trying to avoid conflict as much as possible, and acting to save lives as much as he can. Marida Cruz, one of Elpeo Ple's clones from the ZZ Gundam era, is also a (Cyber-)Newtype and acts as a mentor to Banagher throughout the series. Though she is killed at the end, her words and emotions are able to reach many people, not just Banagher, but also Riddhe Marcenas, her killer.

Speaking of Riddhe, he's an interesting character because he takes a roundabout path as a Newtype, though he does eventually get there. Initially an optimistic young soldier, when confronted by the twisted truth of the world that he lives in, he chooses to defend the status quo of the Earth Federation in order to keep the peace. During his battle with Marida, he is once again confronted by a hard truth as his Newtypism surfaces, and he experiences the various emotions of the people around him. He realises that he is exactly what the Earth Federation was trying to destroy, and was trying to use him to destroy his fellow Newtypes in order to keep their status quo. Think of the tragedy if he had succeeded in defeating Banagher, allowing the truth of the Universal Century Charter to be destroyed and covered up, allowing Spacenoids and Newtypes to remain oppressed. (I would like to believe that he would have realised his error and made up for it later, but I digress.)

In the end, the truth of Laplace's Box is released to the whole Earth Sphere, revealing the truth of the Earth Federation's deceit and giving hope to Spacenoids and Newtypes for a better future, for an overturning of the status quo that the Federation has upheld for almost a hundred years. Of course, the Federation tries to cover it up with a really big laser cannon, but with the power of the Unicorn and Banshee Gundams, Laplace's Box is preserved.

Overall, this series is an 8.5/10.

[deanwinchesterpregnant]

happy wednesday, spike! i wanted to ask about ur thoughts on dean + gender + pregancy, how those things intertwine and interract. does deans "thing" for getting knocked up affect the way he views himself as a man? feel free to answer this in an omegaverse way or in a cis or trans (masc or fem!) way, i would just like to hear your thoughts!

happy w...sunday, anon! i've been wanting to get to this ask all week but i didn't feel like typing out what was sure to be a long answer on mobile lol. and a lot of gender stuff

for WW a couple weeks ago somebody asked me if i thought deanna would have any kinks that dean wouldn't, and here's a pull from my answer:

I think I mostly view Dean/na having the same kinks no matter the gender, but it’s more of a case of whether or not there’s shame involved. Whereas I think Dean might feel ashamed about his panty kink, especially since he tries so hard to adhere to those masculine gender roles, there is nothing holding Deanna back from outwardly sharing her lingerie kink with Sam. Who would extremely be down to indulge her. I think Sam would find his sister just as hot in like, a sports bra and old cotton bikini-style undies as he would in some (stolen) Victoria’s Secret or something (can’t see either of them considering stealing something designer, but Deanna’s tiddies in one of them VS bombshell bras? Ok Sam is a red-blooded bisexual male and he’s WEAK!) 👌🏼👌🏼 Same goes for breeding kink. Cis or trans man Dean? You’re only gonna get “knock me up” out of his mouth if he’s really undone. But Deanna is like hell yea Sam put a fuckin’ baby in me!

like okay, i'm ME, so i'm ALWAYS viewing dean as wanting to get knocked up and being hype about it lol, but if i'm taking canon as canon is presented (i.e., as far as we know dean is a cis man of questionable heterosexuality who is always trying very hard to adhere to a certain kind of masculinity), i do think he would find this facet of himself emasculating and shameful. a panty kink is one thing, but to admit to himself that he not only wants kids but he wants to be the one to birth them is........a lot for him to handle, i think. dean is really gentle and good with kids in canon. and he more or less raised sam. he knows he likes doing that, he's good at it, but i also think he's so tied to this idea of being a hunter that he just...would never let himself have that. he wants that apple pie life so bad; it's why he always rags on sam about it (sam – who stopped having that dream years ago!), but he's so clearly insecure about it. and sure, it's fine to be that typically masculine guy who wants to knock somebody up, but turning that on its head? yeah, as i said above, you're only getting that out of him if he's really undone. or you're sam.

as for TRANS dean, which is generally how i tend to read him, i still think it would be a bit of a taboo thing for him to admit out loud and to himself. like, sorry for tmi but as a transmasc who wants to get pregnant it can feel incredibly isolating. sure there are others out there but by and large it makes a lot of transmascs dysphoric! and i get that! and somebody like dean, who has uhhh let's say a toxic relationship with himself (read: he hates himself), i think as a trans guy, who is maybe already feeling lonely in this way, anything that would make people suspect he's trans is gonna be deeply shameful for him. his thought process would be like: he's a guy, he's not supposed to want to be pregnant. and i think that would hurt. i think he wants a family, kids, and denying himself that would hurt him for a long time.

okay SO, now we've circled back around to deanna. whether she's cis or trans, i think she'd be a lot more okay with this. canon dean is a man who is constantly trying to adhere to these standards of masculinity he's set for himself; ergo, deanna the woman likely be the same with femininity. paired with all of the parentification (and wifeification) or her time with john, i think she's very comfortable with wanting to be pregnant. and as a trans woman, i think she'd find her wanting for motherhood to be validating. however she'd obviously be dealing with the pain of not being able to carry a child, so whether or not she'd be comfortable talking about wanting to be pregnant in general is...less likely than cis deanna.

NOW LET'S BRING IT HOME to omegaverse. similarly to cis deanna – i think omega dean would feel secure in his thing for pregnancy. it's what his gender is supposed to do, right; they're meant to breed and it's something he can do and be good at. and if there's one thing about dean, oh, he wants to be told he's been a good boy. omegaverse – a world in which gender roles are strict and fetishized – is the one scenario where i can actually see him keeping a baby, even as a hunter. this is what he's supposed to do, after all.

anyway thanks for this ask anon, it was great food for thought!

(FYI as a disclaimer i am not saying dean is right in his thinking and the bearing of wanting to get pregnant on the validity of identity lol, i'm saying this is how i think he would think)

[positivelyadhd]

hi just wanna say thank u so much for this blog. i dont even remember when i started following it, maybe a year or two or three ago? but it was the first ever like, genuine unabashed positivity account on the internet i started engaging with.

i used to loathe myself for years. i used to beat myself up for everything and criticize myself and assume everyone was holding me to this impeccable yet undefined social standard that was always barely out of reach. i used to isolate myself and avoid everything and i didn't really care for life. i thought self affirmations were stupid and self love was uncomfortable, weird, and i relied on every form of external validation to feel good about myself. i didnt think i needed friends and i did everything to avoid feeling any hurt.

i started trying out this thing of unabashed self kindness earlier this year and it's been incredibly foreign, but also i have never felt more alive since i was an actual child. and i think like, majority of the words that have kept me afloat have been from posts on this blog.

im at a point now where ive like, experienced so much joy that my brain's sort of reared its head and started beating me up again when there's a chance i'll become depressed again. which is not fun but also im really really glad i have things to lose in this world now. if that makes sense lol

thank u sm for being a wodnerful ray of positivity in this world and i wish u the absolute best. 💖💖💖

Hello Anon!

Firstly, I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to see this! (I need to use tumblr desktop more, mobile always seems to hide ask notifs from me!)

I honestly can't find words to tell you how happy and honoured it makes me to know that this blog and my words have helped you in being kinder to yourself and finding more joy in the world.

Everything you said, about not believing in positivity posts and isolating yourself and holding yourself to an impossible standard also resonates so deeply with me. Those are all things I found really really difficult (and still sometimes do!) and are the reasons I started this blog in the first place! I admired the positivity community here a lot and wanted to have somewhere to keep the posts that resonated with me in one place. As a way of reminding myself that there is so much joy and beauty in the world if you look for it, but also acknowledging that that can be so difficult when you're struggling with mental illness and the fact you are trying is so, so important. This blog is here for everyone, always, but it started as a thing for myself when I was finding it hardest to find the parts I love in the world! I am so happy to hear that it's also helped to achieve the same thing for you as well. If there's one thing I want to do with my life it's to help people in ways I wish I could've been helped myself and to remind people (and myself!) that there is wonderful things here, even it's sometimes hard to see.

I'm sorry to hear that you've been finding it harder again, but I am sending you so much love and positivity and I hope you can continue to be kind and patient with yourself as you have been and know that you deserve to do the kind things that you do for yourself.

I am sending you all my love and thank you so much for this ask <33

[tilting-at-windmills]

You know, I came here cause I saw the blazed pictures of your cat (which were great) and I wanted to swing by and see if you had anon to just drop a little message wishing you a nice day (since that's something quick I can do even when I don't know someone)

I noticed in your top post you talking about having a hard time sometimes with feeling like your writing is good (not like tumblr mobile tells me how old that post is so... sorry if this is real outdated)

Just kinda wanna say I relate to you. I uh... get very little input in my life. I think many people care, but most people are bad at showing it, so I've kind of lost the ability to see myself or my work

I look like me, the things I make are things I make. I'd like them to be good, just like I'd like to look nice but... while depending on my mood I may end up feeling like I probably made trash or like it's actually probably pretty good... but in the end it just looks like my work and it is what it is

Also, one thing I've noticed with both myself and people around me is that outside input never does last. It's usually working against really deeply rooted stuff, so it's hard for it to sink in

That's part of why I keep mentioning to friends that they're really wonderful and I really enjoy their company. It's not like I get sick of telling them (and to be honest saying to them the stuff I'll never hear is kind of a coping mechanism when I'm just doing really awful)

Not sure I can really make a cohesive point here, more just saying I know how it feels to really have trouble seeing your work objectively when it's seen through your mind's lens; and that I think outside input really does fade quickly... but I think it's something that's just meant to have repeated application forever

We all just kinda need to keep hearing how we're doing or I think it gets rough

Anyway, can't speak to your writing since I just was passing through, but scrolling down just a bit... you know thanks for being one of the few people who actually gets the situation with Israel right now. Sad how rare a opinion like yours is to see when... I mean it's the only one that makes sense

Anyway sorry about this being an essay. I'm never as brief as I'd like to be, and insomnia always makes me worse and it's... 7 in there morning right now, so you get how it's going

I don't know... I don't know if any of what I've said makes sense or is supportive, but I relate to stuff you were saying in the past, though not sure how long ago that post was

Regardless, I really do hope you have a really good day. Life's hard right now. We live in a chaotic world full of broken and often malicious systems and... it's tough

All we can do is try to lend a hand when we can

But despite how tough it is right now, I really truly hope you have as good a day as you possibly can

Part 2: Anyway, one final thing before I go is I'll just say I'm proud of you, cause I feel like that's not something anyone gets to hear as much as they need or deserve (it seems kind of rare honestly) I can't be as specific as I'd like, not really knowing you as more than a passing stranger glancing at your words, but even a glace paints a picture if someone to be proud of You seem kind and skilled and smart. You seem like someone I'm glad the world has, cause man could it use all the good people it could get right now It's always tricky to really boil it down into words just what you like about someone, even someone you know well... at least I always find myself falling back on things like "smart" or "nice" that just feel so broad cause... how can I really nail down quite what it is I like about people as more than a feeling? I'm sorry this should have been like a couple sentences, my insomnia makes me really bad about this, but just sincerely, I'm proud of you I hope you're proud of you too, at least when you feel proud of yourself. Know for a fact that can be hard, but even when you can't ask the stuff to be proud of remains same as always

Wow. I honestly don't know how to respond, so I will do my best to muddle through and just go in order. (Please know this is not in a bad way, I'm flattered you were intrigued enough to send me these!)

First, if you ever want someone to share your work with, my ask box is open!

Second, no, outside input doesn't last. Well, the negative stuff seems to, but not the positive. It's so fucking hard to believe that you're good enough, either in what you're doing or just as a person. And I totally agree, I love just saying whatever good things occur to me! Like, to strangers! You never know when someone needs it, friend or not. I'm sorry if you're not hearing enough that you're important. Honestly, sometimes being direct with people works. I have literally said to a flaky friend something along the lines of, if you just don't feel like hanging, I'm not offended, I just am not good at social cues so please just tell me. I think that could go the other way, too.

And I always appreciate someone else understanding that the war is multiple bad groups hurting innocent civilians. Of course the history is so much more complicated, and you can't really discuss it without getting into the west basically feeling badly for not doing anything to save six million Jews and not thinking about where to create a state when they had nowhere else to go. The Palestinians and the Jews have more in common than I think people like to acknowledge. And it is possible to see that both the immediate horrors perpetrated against the Palestinians and the resounding anti-Semitism and rise in violence against Jews are both bad.

Obviously, don't worry about writing an essay, I seem to be doing the same lol.

So yes, just be fucking kind to people. Help people. Do the right thing even when it's hard. All of those things. It took me, personally, a long time to realize I couldn't be a superhero and save the world, but I can make a difference for individuals. And, hopefully, sometimes even groups of people, even if all I have are words because I will keep using them.

Lastly, thank you. I've never really learned how to feel "proud" of myself. So I sincerely appreciate that. I try my best to do the right thing and be a good person, even though we all fail sometimes. You, darling, are yourself incredibly kind and clearly special. Who takes the time to do what you just did for a stranger because it might (it did) help them? I'm glad the world has you, too. I think it probably needs more people like you, based on knowing next to nothing about you, but like you said, it's a feeling.

(And as a fellow insomniac, I totally get it)

[jinkieswouldyoulookatthis]

hii i love your banner btw. i'm curious how you feel about the episode Scoobynatural as a spn and a scooby doo fan. don't feel any pressure to answer!

The pressure to talk about both Scooby Doo and Supernatural just exists naturally inside me all the time, so sorry for the incoming explosion, but when the crazy is directly poked it tends to burst, lol.

Putting in a cut, because this is probably going to be long...

(I apologize in advance.)

So, thank you for asking! I'm kinda old, been watching Scooby Doo for well over four decades and have been a huge fan of that franchise since I was very small. I even once joined a mail order (waaaaaaaaay before the internet) fan club that issued me an official membership card and everything. Shit, I just realized as I was typing this that I'm actually wearing a Scooby Doo shirt right now, lol.

So, shortly after I finally succumbed and started watching Supernatural, at the beginning of 2015, I wanted the two shows to cross over. I kept thinking about it, writing up little drabbles and whatnot, and commissioned the piece that I use as my mobile banner/cover image. So when they announced, in late 2017 I think, that they were going to actually do a crossover episode, I was over the moon!

As for what I think of the episode, well, that's kinda complicated. To preface, I have two entirely separate rating systems for things that co-exist weirdly in my head, both my objective evaluation and my subjective opinion. These often seem to contradict each other, try not to let that get to you, like I said, it's complicated, but it's just how I roll.

So, objectively, I'll be perfectly honest, it's got some problems. Most Supernatural episodes fall solidly into the "okay" category. This is not a bad thing, I feel like I need to stress that. What makes the show as a whole good are the stand out episodes that are truly great, and there are a sizable handful of them every season. When balanced against the couple of actually bad episodes scattered throughout the 15 year run, the scales tip solidly in favor of it being an overall really good show.

So, Scoobynatural... It's cute, it's fun, but a little, I don't know, awkward doesn't quite seem right. Maybe it just feels a little too obvious? Hmm, still not the right word... maybe superficial? I don't know, it just fails to obtain suspension of disbelief and one remains very aware of the mechanizations of it being a tv show. But whatever, you know, it's a ridiculous premise, we all know that. LOL. I'm not a fan of how Dean and Sam were drawn, I don't think they did them justice. I mean, look at my banner, they could have, SHOULD have looked more like the actual actors or just been cuter. But that's really all the complaints I had about the episode. So objectively, it's a good episode. Not great, but better than just okay, solidly good.

Subjectively, though? I loved it!

What I really enjoyed about it? One, I love that Dean is as much of a fan of the show as I am. We are close in age, and one of the ways that I'm dean-coded is in how I relate to tv and movies, so it's a point of connection I feel very deeply. I don't find his attraction to Daphne creepy, I actually get it. Not that I find Daphne attractive in that way, I always kinda wanted to be Daphne, so there's that whole reader self-insert aspect for me that just scratches a weird kink, you know? And the fact that she's completely hung up on Fred is so great.

I'm also totally onboard with Velma lusting after Sam. I really don't have an investment in any cartoon character's supposed sexuality. Is she straight? Bi? A lesbian? Sure, why not, whatever works best in the moment is 100% a-ok with me. And honestly I feel that Sam should be an exception regardless because he does have dreamily broad shoulders.

Also, if you just run with the episode, it's freakin' hilarious! The way it bounces between Dean's glee at being in the Scooby Doo universe and then dark, existential horror is just *chef's kiss* so good. When the first dead body is found and it's all bloody and the guy is really dead and Dean says, "Son of a bitch." That's good stuff right there.

Cas casually dropping the fact that he's likely married to a djinn queen is a golden overlooked moment tbh.

Dean clearly saying "Hail no" instead of "Hell no" when he realized he was touching the ghost instead of Daphne, like, Jensen, babe, your Texas is showing. LOL

Running montage!!! But fucking Scrappy Doo, grr.

The spiral the Scooby gang gets sent into when Shaggy's arm gets broken and they all realize that the horror is real? Have a breakdown and then bounce out of it again so fucking fast? That is the true brilliance in this episode, btw. I loved it!

The fact that Fred's crazy trap didn't work, because it was designed to catch something corporal, but Dean had a back up plan in place because he knew it wouldn't work but chose to not argue with Fred... so funny.

Sam: Ok, that was... something.

Dean: That was the coolest thing that's ever happened to me. And that includes the Cartwright twins.

Castiel: What did you do with the Cartwright twins?

Dean: Oh... *laughs*

Dean is a pervy little creep and I just love him, ok?

Like, yes, it is all utterly ridiculous, but that actually works because both shows were often ridiculous on their own. Mashed together, it just makes sense to lean into the crazy.

tldr - So, while not the best episode, honestly not really a great episode, but it is a good episode and I just love it.

Thanks for asking 😁

[witch-hazels-musings]

Hey there Hazel! I've found myself in a bit of a..predicament. Recently, I decided to revisit the new account of a writer whose old account I'm currently following only to realize that I had been blocked on their new account. Confused by this, I sent them a message pointing it out and apologizing in case I did something to upset them (i.e spam liking since they are one of the few authors I've come across to not exactly be fond of that, and I've been guilty of such in the past) but then I realized I had only interacted with their new account once, which made me even more bewildered. So I decided to ask what another author may have thought about this and they said that it may have been because I have a "blank blog" and that I shouldn't reach out to anyone to ask why I've been blocked (keeping in mind, I never did ask why. Just apologized.) because it can make someone uncomfortable and they "don't owe me an explanation for protecting their own space" which I completely understand. It is never EVER my intention to make anyone uncomfortable.

I had not the faintest clue that a blank blog can be seen as..offensive somehow? In reality, I had been building the courage to start reblogging and even possibly writing one day, but I've been moving at my own pace since I'm a generally nervous person in almost everything I do. Just recently I've been quite proud of myself for being able to send in asks/messages without being as nervous as the first time (I was an nervous wreck that time) but now because of this situation, I feel like I've moved 10 steps back. I've been overthinking this for almost the entire day and it's honestly extremely overwhelming since on one hand "wow, I can be blocked for a blank blog?" And the other "wow, now I've upset 2 of my favorite writers".

This has been weighing so heavy on my mind that truly, I feel quite deterred from interacting with anyone because of it but I want to keep trying since one day, I would like people to read my stories and I wouldn't want reblogs or anything in return, just to know that people are content with my writing. You are the only person that I've thought about reaching out to since you're so understanding and give amazing feedback and I hope to be as mature as you one day(once I get past my anxiousness).

TLDR: In case of anyone being in the same boat as me, do you have any advice on publicly writing and handling the anxiety that comes with putting out that first piece? I'm deeply sorry for the ramble and hope I was as clear and concise as possible. (And as you can see this whole thing was exhausting to the point that I'm not bothering with any anonymity)

This got a little long so read more below the cut! (Also I'm on mobile so I'm not gonna italics below... because ...work)

I can't imagine the confusion of returning to check out an author you love only to find out they've blocked you. Especially if you aren't sure what happened to cause the block.

So you've asked a question here, but your comments are of a different issue so I wanna answer both

There are so many reasons why a blog might block another. I've seen all sorts of rules posted, so I want to explain some perspectives as to why. --

Don't spam like :: some people get overwhelmed by notifications, others believe it'll lead them to being shadowbanned (this isn't true, idk why people think that), lastly - and in my opinion the most important - likes do nothing for creators. They are nice, but they don't help creators get their work seen

I know you said your working up the courage to reblog and interact, so think about your blog as a little scrapbook that you want to save and look at later. That's what Tumblr is.

Creators need your reblogs or their posts die. That's it, that's how Tumblr works.

Ageless and blank blogs :: these are more comfort level for creators. They are different person to person. Ageless is scary for adult vs minor interactions, and blank blogs are often bots (spam accounts) - so some blogs block all of them

My advice is make your blog your home before you go out into the world..it's your safe space, your happy place, so make it how you want!

DNI/BYF :: DNI (do not interact), BYF (before you follow) are great things to check out when first encountering a blog. It'll outline the rules of the author and it's possible you did something on that list that they didn't like (it can be hard to know, so check for those before interacting)

These are just a few reasons why, and I know it doesn't tell you what happened but maybe it'll bring a little background.

I'll also say that while people are allowed to set their rules, of course, still I'm sorry you were treated the way you were when figuring out why. No wonder your nervous to interact with people. Some of the interactions I've seen are ... Kinda not nice.

You're always welcome here to practice and grow more comfortable! I'm happy to help and encourage you!!

As for your second question, honestly, you just have to go for it!! If you've written something and you love it, you have to rip off the band-aid and post it.

See how it goes and learn from everything around you. I made plenty of mistakes when I first started so ask if you get lost, be open to feedback if you've made an error, and stick to your values ♥️♥️

Check out my pinned post on my blog for some writing blog 101 guides if you want more info!! And reach out if you need something.

Here's another thing, if those blogs are not going to give you a chance, there are others that will and who want you to succeed. Shrine bright firekeeper, you got this 🔥🔥

[infernal-general]

Where have I been

Still mobile bound as hell so I unfortunately cannot put it read more, even though the subject is too sensitive probably for most of you. So I tried to tag the best I could, please read them before reading this.

I'm posting this here because this blog has embedded itself the most into a wonderful community full of kind, talented people I'm honored to be friends with. I have been distant, I know and I am sorry that I wasn't there for people who needed someone. I wasn't and not ignoring anyone on purpose. My father died in October. He was cremated exactly on my birthday. He was long suffering from dementia, caused by a medication for his nonexistent Parkinson's which his malicious ex wife and other daughter (both doctors) manipulated him into taking. My grandma was operated in August and died in January. She was neglected in the hospital. Back in September mom caught covid from her no matter how careful she was. I almost died from it, dad had gotten pneumonia. My mom was malnourished, exhausted, insomniac, anorexic from taking care of him; I couldn't help because I tore my shoulder almost to the point of operation. She almost died as well.

There was an ungodly amount of paperwork which I have no idea where she found the strength to do. Now both dad and grandma's ashes are home. My long term memory is incredibly damaged, I cannot remember my childhood, my teenage years also faded. It's my mind's defense against what had happened and I'm slowly but surely forgetting both of them like they never existed. My mom however remembers everything. She has a vastly different coping mechanism...if these can be called as such & it collides with mine every time, resulting in a mental breakdown as my epilepsy has gotten worse.

I'm not telling this for attention/pity seeking motives. I realized that I should, because I am probably hurting people I care about and care about me with this sudden change of behavior, unusual silence. I was used to being the shoulder for everyone could cry on and tell their worries, receive advice and support in return. But as my own problems kept piling I was overwhelmed, shocked and paralyzed. I apologize if I unintentionally hurt someone, I truly didn't want to. I decided to tell what I'm going through because of this realization. Nobody should be harmed by what I'm going through. I don't want to break any friendships, abandon anyone and I am deeply sorry if anyone thought this way & I don't blame you.

I truly don't know when can I be back to like I was, I'm still spiraling when I think about I'm actually half orphaned. Not to mention my mom turned 60 this year. And no, therapy is not an option. Don't have money for it and the free ones would do more damage than good. I have to and will solve it on my own, now without worry that this will explode out of me during a conversation (I am sorry for that. Truly). Thank you for being here, for being the wonderful people you are and if I accidentally hurt someone, I am deeply sorry.

Thank you for reading

[flameohotwife]

happy ffwf! which fic(s) have you read that you really, really enjoyed and wished everyone could read? doesn't have to be a comprehensive list, just a few that make you fall in love with the characters even more!

happy ffw...s! sorry i wasn't able to get to this yesterday. I didn't have laptop access and my phone likes to glitch whenever I try to add more than one link on mobile. Sob.

Ooooh wow comfort fics. Weirdly enough, some of my comfort fics contain... aangst? I guess they're comforting because they're cathartic? idk. Anyway, I haven't done a good re-read of my comfort fics in a while because I haven't done as much reading in general this summer except for kataang week (which I'm still behind on), but...

Helpless by ymoah (rated M)

Bison Quest by Freedom_Shamrock (rated T)

Unbendable by cloudymagnolia (rated T)

Always by adariasakura (rated G)

The Ghosts That We Knew by @itsmoonpeaches (rated T)

Picking Up the Pieces by SR240 (rated M)

look into your eyes (and the sky's the limit) by @penguinsledder (rated G)

I'm probably forgetting some good ones. This is definitely NOT a comprehensive list. It's been far too long since I delved into fic this deeply and there are so, so many amazing fics out there. I also have your i don't know who i am (but i won't stop trying) series bookmarked for when I need to feel things about culture and loss and moving forward, but I'm not sure if that counts as comfort or not, haha! But all of these do make me fall in love with the characters a little more, in very different ways, every single time.

[kaesaaurelia]

you are here

For @whumptober day 15: Emotional Damage, using the prompt "lies."

Continued from day 6, wherein Hell sent Aziraphale a ransom video of Crowley, captured and beaten up, and day 10, where Crowley endured searing torments and discovered that truly, Hell is other people.

When the demons came back around to dip them in lava again, Crowley, having learned his lesson now, permitted the damned souls to be encased in lava over time, until they were weirdly cocoon-shaped geodes of entitlement, and they were unhooked carefully from the candle-dipper and carried somewhere else. By this time he was very badly burnt and just wanted to hole up somewhere and shed all his skin as soon as possible. He tried to slip away while the supervisor was looking the other way, but the weird pink tentacles sprouting from her nose swerved in his direction as soon as he tried to get past her, and she dug her claws into his shoulder to stop him. "Where d'you think you're going?" she asked.

"I've, er, got an appointment," Crowley invented.

"Blessed right, you do. They told me to keep you here 'til they came and took you to it."

Crowley tsked loudly, trying not to be annoyed that the demon's claws had pierced both his jacket and his shoulder. "Well, all right, if you like, but don't be surprised if Someone's very upset with you," he said, going for ominous and managing slightly bratty.

The demon looked deeply unimpressed. "Did you really think that'd work? Come on, you saw the kind of humans we work with here, did you think I'd say 'Oh yes, of course, sir, whatever you say, I must have been mistaken, sir, I'm so sorry'?"

Crowley had to admit she had a good point. "Right, okay, yeah, but look --"

"No," she said.

"Look, could I just --"

"No," she said again.

"I'll wait here," Crowley promised, "I just want to let someone know I'm going to be late. To my appointment. Could I... is there a payphone or something?"

She considered this for a moment. "You did defend us out there. You also made our job harder."

"But I did defend you, yes!" said Crowley, seizing on this one thing.

After another long pause to consider this, she finally drew a black rectangle out of her pocket. "One of the humans gave me this to hold while we dunked them. I can't fucking use it, I can't see, but it's electric," she said, tapping it with one of her nose tentacles. "I assume it's one of those awful newfangled things they have now."

Then she held it out to him. It was a phone.

"There are mobiles in Hell?" Crowley asked. He'd assumed from all the interruption of all his radio and television programs that such things were beyond Hell's comprehension.

"Apparently they make the younger humans anxious, and the older ones get angry about them," she said, "so we import them specially. I ate one once by accident," she added, making a face. "Very crunchy, not a lot of flavor. So I don't really want it."

"What do I have to do for it?" Crowley asked.

"Just don't give it back to that bitch, I'd love to hear what she has to say when I tell her I lost her stupid thing," said the demon. "And don't say I did you any favors."

Crowley almost thanked her as he took the mobile from her, but thought better of it at the last moment. "I won't," he said.

--

Aziraphale had spent several hours sneaking through the bureaucratic offices of Hell already, trying to find Crowley without anybody finding him, and he'd had no luck at all. He found himself blankly staring at a wall full of memos and notices, wondering where to go next, when one of the notices caught his eye.

ANGEL, it started.

He supposed at first that it was a very poorly-designed wanted poster for himself, but to his astonishment it was not.

ANGEL - BEING TAKEN ON GRAND TOUR OF TORMENT. HEADED TO CENTRAL DIS TO BE GNAWED BY SOMETHING? FOR A WHILE, WILL PROBABLY TAKE 2-3 DAYS. HOPE YOU HAVE A MOBILE.

He folded the notice and put it in his pocket. He was going to have to get to Dis.

Dis proved more difficult than he'd expected, however. He had trouble at the ferry, because of course Aziraphale had what he thought was the requisite two coins, but the fare had gone up a lot, and so, having missed his first chance, he had to wait for an hour and a half for the next one, only that one didn't come, and it was the last ferry of the day. Aziraphale ended up waiting, frantic with worry for Crowley, in a nasty-smelling station where all the chairs had mysterious liquid pooled in them, for twelve hours before he was finally able to cross the Acheron to get to the outskirts of Dis.

By which point Crowley's location had changed again.

HAVE BEEN GNAWED. SORRY FOR TOPICS, MISSING 3 FUNHOUSE. OMW TO BE ENCRUSTED, said the absolutely baffling notice that was plastered to an electric pole in Dis.

A nearby billboard was a little more helpful. FIGURE! ENSTOATED!, it shouted, next to a photograph of a smiling demon in a suit and tie. (It was not Crowley. Aziraphale had to assume the demon was the Infernal equivalent of a personal injury lawyer, since the telephone number at the bottom, helpfully transcribed in both letters and numbers, was +666 3472 677678, which translated to the extremely clunky +666 DISC ORPOR8.)

Aziraphale didn't know what was missing three figures, nor whether being Encrusted or Enstoated was worse, but the especially frustrating part was that there was no hint as to where Crowley was.

Another notice, this one the caption for a poster depicting a lost bat, clarified things very slightly. FINGERS. MISSING 3. SORRY. DUCKING AUTOCORRECT.

The description of the lost bat was briefly an actual description of a lost bat, but Aziraphale blinked, and it suddenly resolved into I'm in the 9th Circle. Don't come here.

Aziraphale did not take the poster; whoever had put it up would still be missing their bat, and resolved to find his way to the Ninth Circle if it killed him.

He puzzled out the universe's least helpful map -- "YOU ARE HERE" was the title, and there was no indication as to where he actually was -- and then waited three hours for a bus that was supposed to be coming in 15 minutes. Eventually he decided to walk to the train station he needed to get to. There were no sidewalks, he was nearly run over several times, and it began to rain a searingly hot green liquid that ate pits in the sidewalk and ruined his umbrella and coat.

Aziraphale was utterly exhausted by the time he got to the train station. It was -- because of course it was, this was Hell! -- it was not underground, or at ground level, or even elevated one or two storeys up. Oh no, it was attached to the ceiling of the cavern.

Aziraphale sighed and brought his wings out, or tried to, but pain shot through him like electricity, and he realized he'd missed the ABSOLUTELY NO FLYING notice on the sign pointing upwards to the station.

As Aziraphale climbed the rickety, ancient staircase, he could see the way the track plunged down into a great gaping hole in the ground a bit further on, and was relieved that it probably did go to the Ninth Circle, if it ran at all, which he doubted.

But when he was, oh, perhaps five or six stories from the station, there was a great rumbling noise that rattled the staircase and made it shake so hard Aziraphale nearly fell off. He began taking the stairs two at a time. He made it to the platform just in time to watch the train roar off into the abyss.

The electronic sign at the station suggested that the next train would be along in twenty minutes. Aziraphale knew this was a lie. Wishing he could miracle away the stitch in his side, he sat down on the one single bench at the station, which had armrests built into it just wide enough that Aziraphale fit, but they dug into his legs painfully. He wondered if Crowley would've been able to sit here comfortably, or whether the armrests would have adjusted to make him uncomfortable too.

Aziraphale had the brief and uncharitable thought that Crowley had probably suggested they do this, since it struck him as a very human thing to consider, and then he considered what Crowley was going through, the enstoating, or ensconcing, or encrusting, or whatever he had tried to type, with three missing fingers, and he felt ill.

As he waited, the station went from empty to crowded, and by the time the train came, about an hour later, he and the other commuters had to sardine themselves into it. All the damned human souls seemed to have mobiles, but none of them had headphones, and so the train was a cacophony of music, repetitive videos, and distasteful political rants playing tinnily on tiny speakers, with the sound of screaming infants piped in over the tannoy for realism.

That was all right, though, because it all sort of blended into a disagreeable white noise. Aziraphale closed his eyes and tried to relax as the train pitched down into the lowest circles of Hell, and no matter how badly the cars jostled, nobody fell over, because they were far too tightly packed.

In fact, something about the familiarity of the whole thing and the heat of the poorly-ventilated train car must have got to Aziraphale, because the next thing he knew, his cheek was resting on a frigid and slightly sticky floor. It was pitch black, and the train was rattling around him.

Aziraphale hauled himself his feet and walked face-first into a pole before grabbing onto it to stay upright. He looked around. There was a dim light at one end of the car, and he made his way carefully towards it, thinking perhaps in the next car there was light.

But as he approached, a terrifying visage came out of the darkness, with staring white eyes and knife-sharp teeth; the little point of light was suspended from an antenna sprouting out of its forehead as a lure for the unwary. Aziraphale recoiled.

"Oh, there you are," said the anglerfish demon, sounding pleasantly surprised.

"What have you done to the lights? Where are we going?" Aziraphale demanded.

"Oh, that just happens on this train, especially in the Ninth Circle," said the demon pleasantly. "You fell asleep. They were going to kick you off at the end of the line, but I figured you probably meant to get off earlier than that."

"But I was going there!" said Aziraphale, frantically. "Stop the train! Or, or -- when's the next stop?"

The demon sighed heavily, and though his countenance still looked vicious, Aziraphale realized that might have been more because of the teeth than because he was particularly aggressive. "Look, even I don't come down here if I can help it, and I'm a Duke of Hell," said the demon. "Also, if they found out I'd allowed an angel to get all the way down here without ripping his throat out, they'd look at my records. Things would be called into question. I may have been fudging certain quotas over the years, here and there, because frankly it's very hard to get to Earth what with all my duties in Hell. I'm sure you understand; I remember Heaven well enough."

Aziraphale didn't trust this demon, but he was almost friendly, and Aziraphale was so tired. His whole body ached in various ways he could usually escape on Earth. "I'm trying to find a friend," he admitted.

"In the Ninth Circle?" The demon drew closer. "Oh! You're Crowley's angel, aren't you?"

Aziraphale stepped back hurriedly. "What? No! I don't know who that is," he said, unconvincingly.

"Relax, I'm not here to snitch on you. Like I said. People will ask inconvenient questions. Anyway, I used to be his supervisor, back before he got to be such a big shot with all that apple stuff. I'm still in contact with a few people we worked with, here and there," he added, cheerfully.

"Ah," said Aziraphale. "But I thought Lucifer..."

"Oh no, Lucifer was the big boss. I was the little boss," said the demon.

"Ah. And you were... friendly?" Aziraphale knew that Crowley had done good work during Creation, doing... things with stars.

"Oh, no, he was an exhausting little shit," said the demon, "but he was talented. And honestly? I like Earth. I only get to go every now and then but it's nice up there. Quieter. I have a friend up there who keeps trying to talk me into moving up there to teach physics -- she's an angel, she's my assigned rival for some reason, but I don't really think of her like that, we're just friends. Anyway, the only reason I don't take her up on that, honestly, is I have a bunch of Erics to look after, and I don't need grad students on top of the Erics. But Earth seems nice, you know? And I didn't want to lose another war. And I didn't really like our odds. So you go on and enjoy your lack of apocalypse."

"Yes, thank you," said Aziraphale, impatiently. "I'm glad you appreciate, er, the great service Crowley and I did, but he's in the Ninth Circle. I'm trying to retrieve him."

The demon shook his head, his little lure-light bobbing back and forth. "You're not getting him from there. Not and getting out alive. Didn't they kidnap him to trap you?"

"Well... yes, but I've been getting these, these text messages from him --"

"If he told you to come find him in the Ninth Circle, he's not worth saving," said the demon.

"Oh, no," said Aziraphale. "Actually, he told me not to come, he's very considerate, he's really a dear, but how could I just leave him --"

He stopped.

The demon looked at him expectantly.

"How could I just leave him?" Aziraphale repeated to himself. "And why would he have told me that, if he really didn't want me to come find him?"

"Do you think," said the demon, "that every message you get is guaranteed to come from Crowley?"

"Ah." It had had a suspicious lack of typos, especially for having been typed with three fingers missing. "It was a trap, wasn't it?"

"Definitely a trap," said the demon.

As they spoke, the lights in the train had gradually come back on, and scenery began flashing by -- Hell scenery, but still, scenery. Aziraphale watched two nude ice-skaters flee down a frozen river from a phalanx of crocodiles, then saw an unlucky third ice-skater further down the river being devoured by several of them. "Do you think he actually was in the Ninth Circle?"

"Maybe," said the demon. "Do you know what was supposed to be happening to him?"

"Something about encrustment? Or possibly enstoatment?"

"Oh!" said the demon, brightly. "Yeah, that's pretty bad. But it's not Ninth Circle bad. It's like, Eight and a Halfth Circle, at worst. Although they're actually thinking about drilling down further to make room for all the weird new sins humans are inventing, which is kind of exciting."

"Ah," said Aziraphale. He did not much care about that.

His reverie was interrupted by the sound of static from the tannoy, cutting into the screaming infant soundtrack. "The Next Stop Is..." said the announcer, fuzzily, and then came Crowley's voice. "Aziraphale! Can't talk much, look, please hurry, they're taking me to the Lethe, I don't know what's going to happen if they do that. Fuck, I hope you're getting these." There was a long, staticky pause before he added, "I love you."

Then the screaming baby sounds began again, as if they had never stopped.

Aziraphale stared at the demon, Crowley's supposed former supervisor. "Did you hear that?"

"I mean, kind of? But I can never figure out what stop that's supposed to be. I think we're coming up on Dat, or maybe Dose," said the demon. "It'll be a while 'til we get back into the actual city of Dis."

Either he was lying, or he hadn't heard it. Aziraphale chose to take a leap of faith. "If I had to get to the Lethe, very quickly, and as safely as possible, how would I go about doing that?"

The demon's white eyes widened. "Ah. Another message?"

"Yes. You don't think it's --"

"I have no idea whether it's real," said the demon. "But if you want to get to Lethe... either you're looking at a six-hour bus trip with three transfers, or you're going to have to get someone to drive you. Traffic will be terrible this time of day, but --"

"Do you know anyone who could take me?" Aziraphale asked.

The demon made a pained face. "Well, not me, I'm not a bad enough driver to get a license." He seemed to take pity on Aziraphale, though. "All right, okay, look, it's a pretty long shot, but... I might know someone who can help you out, if the stories I've heard about you are true."

"The stories? What stories?" Aziraphale asked.

"But I guess you'll have to find out. And no promises." He began checking his pockets, and fished out a pen. "Do you have any paper?"

"Yes!" said Aziraphale, gratefully presenting him with the notice he'd taken days ago from across the Acheron.

"Okay, great. Also, sorry, my pen's out of ink because I think most of them just come like that in Hell, so you're going to have to be able to read the indentations." With some difficulty, the demon chiseled instructions into the paper, and hurried Aziraphale off at the next stop. As the train pulled out of the station, Aziraphale frowned down at the paper, puzzling out the directions and the address. He started off, still daring to hope he was going the right way.

[to be continued on day 16]

[the-shy-fa]

✔️🔥🌗

Jeez, sorry I missed this! The notifications for inbox messages on mobile have just been sailing right past me for the most part.

✔️ What feedist related kinks (force feeding, vore, inflation, etc) do you enjoy?

Hmm, definitely force feeding, along with like, kidnapping, diet sabotage etc (obvs in fiction or roleplay not IRL, consent is essential).

I like feedism paired with pet play/pig play/hucow stuff where the feedee is treated like either a cherished pet or livestock being fattened up by their doting/remorseless owner. Eating out of a bowl or trough on all fours, having a gain quota to make, etc. Either way it's important that their owner is pleased to see them getting fatter and gets all handsy with them!

Dumbing down paired with getting fatter can be fun too though I wouldn't say it's a major kink and I'd definitely limit it to RP or fiction. I was gonna say "who wants to go through life not being able to think deeply about the world," but then I remembered what the news is like most days... so I'll just say that I don't want to go through life that way.

Basically I really like it when the feedee is having control taken away from them and being fattened up without any real active decision making on their part... for me as a feedee it takes some stress out of the whole business where I feel like people would blame me if they knew I purposely gained weight (which you know, lots to unpack there but that's for a different self-reflective writing exercise). It's hot to have the choice taken away but be rewarded for being lazy and gluttonous anyway (hello anxiety begetting praise kink I guess).

(I mean as a switch I'm also happy being the feeder in most of these scenarios, though I'm not sure I can be as mean to someone else)

Light humiliation and teasing is fun too as long as I know there's actually love behind it.

I like slob stuff (messy eating, being gassy, etc) as a sometimes-thing... I mean I like watching someone eat with abandon and lose control, and subsequently get food all over themselves, and I like acting that out to a certain point, but I have pretty sensitive skin so I definitely would want to clean up before too long if it were me.

On the somewhat more problematic end of things I'm also sometimes into feminization/androgynization of people getting fatter... I like male feedees getting softer and curvier as they gain, dicks getting swallowed by fupas, and a bit of teasing about that stuff, though mostly I think it's just that I like that curvy and soft bodytype more than than dadbod build.

(lol sorry for the novel, I have a lot of subkinks apparently)

🔥 What's your current favorite feedist/weight gain fantasy?

Hmm... I feel like this changes pretty regularly, but at the moment I'm pretty into like being brainwashed/conditioned to think that getting fatter is good for me and being pushed by a feeder to keep piling it on. Just sort of inverse everything about diet culture and being showered with praise for eating more, with maybe a little light gaslighting to make me think I'm still smaller than I actually am as I outgrow clothes and furniture. Reassurance that I'm definitely not too big and am clearly meant to be even bigger. That sounds nice.

🌗 Do you prefer to be a submissive feedee or a dominant feedee?

Definitely submissive. I consider myself a sub-leaning switch I guess, but my brain mostly associates feeder=dom, feedee=sub. Pushing somebody around with my weight or being demanding doesn't appeal as much as them using my weight and helplessness against me ^^.

[eribent]

Hello old friend! I’m sorry to see that you have developed chronic pain after COVID, especially one that relates to connective tissue issues. I have hypermobile Elhers danlos syndrome so I understand the pain and the isolation and mental strain of the pain, and knowing that you’ll probably never get the level of care you truly need for it. I’ve been in pain for so long I don’t remember what it’s like to not be in it, and it’s only been getting worse which is great :))) I thought besides showing that you know someone else who knows what you’re going through, I could give some advice!

1) I prefer compression for my pain over braces, but try to experiment with compression clothing or the braces that you find in drug stores to figure out which one works the best for you.

2) weighted blankets seriously help when trying to sleep. I have a 25 lb one, and I’m seriously tempted getting another one just to have more weight and pressure on me

3) watch out how much Tylenol you take because it can cause kidney damage, and watch your consumption of alcohol. Since alcohol is a depressant, it can make you feel less pain, but since you are now in constant pain, it is very easy to slip into addiction with it. I’m definitely not saying stop drinking, I still drink plenty, but it’s something to be aware of, especially if using drugstore pain relief since those already affect kidneys/liver.

4) if you do eventually go to physiotherapy, be careful. Not all of them are aware of connective tissue issues to the level they should be, and they can cause worsened damage because of that. Since you aren’t sure what you got going on, I would recommend looking to see the place/people are knowledgeable in EDS or hyper mobility.

Being in pain sucks. Being in constant pain sucks hard. But you aren’t alone, and you’re allowed to be upset about being in pain. I hope one day you get the relief you need!

Hello !!!!!! Thank you !!!!!!!!

I haven't quite had the spoons to respond to this ask as kindly as I want to today, but I appreciate this ask so much 🥺💛💛

Compression helping makes-- a lot of sense thinking about it now. One of my issue spots is my shoulder and wearing my binder often actually makes my shoulder feel better. I'll have to look into some non-binder compression clothes.

I also really appreciate the point about alcohol + otc painkillers!!! I'm predisposed to addiction and mostly monitor my consumption, but having the actual advice from someone else really helps to solidify it in my mind and I deeply appreciate it!

In a few months I'm moving close to a friend that has EDS so I'll ask her about where she goes for her care! That's a really good piece of advice, thank you!!!

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Possible TW for medical trauma? I don't know, but looking for advice.

Can you be traumatised by things that aren't inherently traumatising? Like each little thing was fine on its own, but all added up, it becomes traumatic.

I've been disabled since birth and was raised in a way that demonised having help. It wasn't my parent's fault, they were told that the best thing for me was for me to be totally independent and walk, and even though that makes sense, I had to do daily physio, which only made things worse, and was criticised by family members and doctors when I started using mobility aids, even after my body literally failed on me and I was bedbound for months while trying to get a wheelchair. At 17, I was told by a neurologist that I should have been in a wheelchair since I started puberty, but the same neurologist put me in physio with people who wanted me walking independently and regularly accused me of not trying hard enough.

And that's ignoring the times I've been in hospital and dismissed by doctors saying my symptoms are all in my head, even to the point they wanted to send me home when I couldn't swallow water and even though they kept me in, I had two days without fluids and four without any of my important medications.

The thought of having an appointment with medical professionals literally terrifies me because it rarely goes well and typically ends with me being depressed for months. I basically tortured my body for years by trying to fit it into the mould physios set for me, and I've paid dearly for it, physically and emotionally. I almost feel like I will die one day because the doctors won't treat me when I'm in trouble.

I don't think all these things are traumatic on their own, but it feels like it's all added up to a whole host of medical trauma, even though it also sounds pathetic to me to refer to it as trauma when I've had worse happen to me.

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through. You and your disability deserve to be taken seriously, and I can't imagine the emotional, physical, and spiritual toll it must've taken on you to endure all the minimization and abuse that you've experienced, on top of the limitations of your condition.

Especially for people with complex trauma, the cumulative effect of experiences can be more traumatic then each one individually. Being subjected to an assortment of traumatic events can be incredibly challenging to deal with, and it's important to recognize that the effects can be just as severe, if not more so, than those of a single, isolated incident. While any single traumatic incident can be incredibly difficult to cope with, the effects of multiple traumas can be even more severe and pervasive.

But it's also worth noting that trauma cannot be measured by the events themselves. This is because there are different factors that affect people's resiliency (ability to cope with stress), making it so that some people may not be affected by events that deeply traumatize others and vice versa. So while these events absolutely could be traumatizing on their own, it's up to you to determine whether or not they were traumatizing for you.

It's also important to consider that especially with complex trauma, the cumulative weight of the traumas together can often overshadow the effect they have individually. In other words, it's possible that underneath the weight of their cumulative impact, these experiences could still be somewhat individually traumatic for you. I've found that after processing the most painful traumas, the impact of others are finally felt.

It's understandable to be terrified by the idea of seeking professional medical help given your past experiences. Unfortunately the medical field has a long way to come in terms of respecting people with disabilities. That being said, you still deserve the best care available, especially with your medical needs. At the same time, it's important to be patient with yourself as you process your trauma and feelings about getting care.

If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist could help you process your experiences and feelings surrounding it, and can also work with you to navigate medical care given the trauma you've experienced.

I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[mjofficehours]

2023-01-04

This week's take-aways from the Office Hours Discord session. I'm sure I forgot/missed some. Please help fill in the details if you can. TY.

I don't think he mentioned this today but the default version for MJ is now v4 so you can stop typing --v 4 at the end of prompts if you are doing that. Also q2 in v4 is broken right now. All it does is eat GPU.

Disclaimer: I am not associated with Midjourney, Discord, or this FB group in any official capacity. I do this because many people can't attend the weekly Office Hours via Discord on Wednesdays at noon Pacific and there is no other way to get these updates.

You're welcome.

1. Improvements to upscalers and higher/different ratios to v4 are not performing as well as hoped.

2. Its a balancing act trying to make improvements to v4 while pushing ahead with v5. Especially since v5 solves a lot of those issues in v4 that need improving. So they are shifting towards v5 but still want to improve aesthetics of v4.

3. v5 is progressing nicely and they are still trying to get all the features they want in it rather than rushing to get it out. He is reluctant to mention the features because he doesn't want to disappoint anyone if a feature doesn't make it into v5.

4. They are focusing on certain improvement in v5. More details. Better accuracy and resolution. Better response to prompts.

Read text better (I'm not clear if this referred to prompts or text placed in images).

5. More advanced tools for building longer series of images.

Some tools will require you to be more of an artist.

Important to have a version for people who like to draw. 90% of users won’t get good images (on the drawing MJ interface) but the 10% who like to draw and want to do that for a living will be able to create original work faster and have more fun doing it.

It's important to provide the drawing UI soon so people can see there’s a craft to it. Even though it only serves a small portion of users.

Side note: there was a lot more to this topic but the gist is that he understands now that there are people who like to draw and want to do that for a living. Not everyone who makes images is interested in telling a story. Many of us just like drawing and so giving us an interface that allows us to use our drawing skills to get the results we want is going to go a long ways to reaching out to the artist community.

As someone who likes to draw I found this very encouraging and I can't wait to see what this UI looks like.

6. They are still working on image creation sites that are separate from Discord. Mobile app looks like it will be 10X better than Discord (on mobile).

7. They are looking at increasing the value of the $10.00 tier and creating a free tier where you pay for your sub by helping them with data collection (I think that means ranking images).

8. They might like to expand service to China (the way they have to Japan with NIJI) . He also noted that China is the first country to regulate AI images (they require watermarks).

EDIT: this was a passing comment as part of a broader discussion about what govt regulation might look like in the future and should not be read into too deeply.

9. GPU situation is much better. Things should be good unless the user base grows much faster but for now there is plenty of padding.

10. They are planning some contests as a way to hire new staff. They want to see what people can make. That's all the details I got but it sounded like they will tell us more soon.

11. they are thinking a lot about how to improve filters. Word filtering should improve over the next month

12. He doesn't expect to have a truly stable version until v8 or v10

13. They are still trying to get search working for the MJ website. He’s sorry everyone. It turns out it’s really complicated at this scale.

14. They have no plans to incorporate a chat bot directly into MJ but if they did make one it would be way weirder than what's currently out there.