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#i'm gonna be talking about this for... a while i GUESS
ramirezmindset · 3 days
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❝ 𝐛𝐞 𝐦𝐲 𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐞 ❞
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.  . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . tyler owens x fem!reader .  . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° .
→ 𝐒𝐘𝐍𝐎𝐏𝐒𝐈𝐒: yourself and tyler go way back, further than you'd like to admit, but after a brutal end, it's been years since you've spoken. until one night when your roommate brings him home.
→ 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒: ANNNNGGSSSSTTTT, talks of fighting and yelling, reader and tyler having history, use of feminine pronouns and description, awkward asl atmosphere, sexual implication, longing, flashbacks will be in italics. ↳ wc: 4671 (not sorry)
→ 𝐀𝐔𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐑𝐒 𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄: this came to me when i was sat on the couch with MY roommates hahahaahah - requests are open!
↳ ❝ [ i shouldn't have called, cause we shouldn't speak. you do make me hard, but she makes me weak - save all the jokes you're gonna make, while i see how much drink i can take. then be my mistake ] ❞
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"Y/N, Emmie just texted me, she's found a male at the bar and he's coming back here" Your roommate Caroline slaps a hand over her mouth, biting back a laugh as you shake your head and chuckle. "I knew we should've joined her, but for some reason you refuse to go into that bar!"
"Carol, you know why I don't go there!" You scoff back, a playful smile on your face. You put the teaspoon in the sink and take a sip of the tea you just made, pushing a mug over the kitchen island to where Caroline sits. "I know that he tends to go there a lot and I just- I don't really want to be bumping into him and getting all weird and sad when I'm supposed to be having fun with my best girls"
"Yeah, yeah, Tyler this, Tyler that" You give her a disapproving look. "Ok, I'm sorry, that was rude. But I'm serious, Y/N, it's been four years. We never even met the guy, or even saw a photo! Surely if you were that spent on keeping him locked up in that little brain of yours for your eyes only, it can't have been that serious?"
"Oh, it was serious!" You defend, laughing and holding up your arms in mock offence. Carol wraps the blanket tighter around herself and leads you towards the couch, settling with her cup of tea, urging you to sit in front of her. "It was on and off like a strobe light, but I was crazy about him. And as far as I know, he was crazy about me. We just didn't mesh well. I mean, we had been together since we were fifteen, we grew out of each other, I guess"
"But you still have a photo of him in your wallet?" Your eyes widen at this statement, your face growing pale. "Relax, girl, I went in there to put your Costco card back and I saw a photo of some guy from the back. I assume it was him anyway and not some secret guy you've been hiding from us"
You bury your face in your hands in embarrassment, chuckling lowly to yourself. "That's Tyler alright"
"Y/N/N, will you just get in the truck?" Tyler said, holding his hand out for you to take. "Please?" You could never resist those puppy dog eyes, the one's you fell in love with all those years ago.
You smile at him, taking his hand and letting him lead you down the stairs of the porch towards his beat up old truck. Opening the door for you, he helps you climb in, a smile plastered across both your faces.
"Ty, where are you taking me?" You laugh, shaking your head at him as he just winks and shuts the door behind him, walking round the truck to slide into the drivers side.
"Now what would I gain from ruining the surprise, hm?" He turned the keys in the ignition and sped off down the dirt track of your parent's ranch, but instead of turning off onto the freeway, he heads in a different direction.
Deciding not to question him, you sigh and lean back into the headrest, staring at his side profile as he concentrates on the road. The furrow of his eyebrows, the clench in his jaw when he hits a particularly rocky piece of track, the slight smirk that flicks at the corner of his mouth when a song he likes plays on the radio.
"What are you staring at, pretty lady?" He jokes, glancing over at you and placing a hand on your thigh. "Something got your attention, hm?"
"Just my gorgeous boyfriend" You smile once again, interlocking your fingers with his hand that rests on your leg. "Thinking about how lucky I am to have such a beautiful man that loves me and drives me around and surprises me and buys me flowers and doesn't let me spend a dime."
"Yeah, you are pretty lucky" You both erupt into a fit of laughter as the truck pulls to a stop. He takes his hand off your thigh to take the keys out of the ignition and hops out the truck to open your door. "Here we are"
You look around you, confusion etching your features. "Tyler, this is the woods" He tuts at you.
"I knew you would say that. Just come with me" He takes your hand, leading you into the trees down a makeshift trail that's been made through hikers over the years. "You maybe know about this place, you maybe don't. I'm hoping don't"
You're walking for about 15 minutes before he tells you to close your eyes, grabbing your other hand to help you balance and show you the way. "Tyler, I am going to die out here!" You joke as you stumble over what feels like a branch.
"Relax, oh my Christ!" He laughs back, he pulls you into a stop as you find your feet on somewhat smooth ground. "Ok, keep your eyes closed. No peeking!" He lets go of both your hands and you feel him walk away, the crunch of his feet getting slightly further away before coming to a stop.
You take a deep breath, you arms still held out to the side slightly to keep your balance on the unfamiliar terrain.
"Ok, open" You open your eyes to find yourself on a wide cliffside at the edge of the woods, a picnic blanket sprawled out a few feet away from you where Tyler stood, and a basket full of what looks like all your favourite foods. A bottle of wine and two glasses sit comfortably on the blanket, and the city lights from below you glittered as the sun set below the peaks of the mountains miles away.
"Tyler, this is-" You place a hand on your heart, and you move your eyes to meet his, slowly walking towards where he was standing. "Tyler, this is incredible" You put your arm around his waist, pulling him in closely as you admire the intricacy of the set up. He places a kiss to your temple.
"I thought considering I'm leaving tomorrow for that storm, we could have a nice final date" He smiles, letting you go to sit down on the blanket.
"Nice?!" You exclaim, feigning offence. "Tyler, this is more than nice. This is perfect"
"Only the best for my girl" He winks, reaching for the wine and the corkscrew. "Now are you gonna sit down and enjoy this picnic with me, or are you gonna stand there staring?" He jokes again, fiddling about with the wine.
Before he could pester you again, you reach into your bag for your polaroid camera, an old thing Tyler got you for your seventeenth birthday that travels in your bag with you everywhere. Snapping a photo of him from behind, sat on the picnic blanket, the sun creating a silhouette of his frame, and all you could think in the moment was how beautiful he was, and how beautiful this could be.
"Earth to Y/N!" Caroline snaps her fingers from the couch opposite you. You flick back to reality, shaking your head and sheepishly apologising. "You OK?"
"Yeah!" You reply a little too enthusiastically. "Yeah, I'm fine, just a bit tired"
"Do you mean tired or Tyler?" Caroline giggles as you half-heartedly fling a throw pillow in her direction. "Sorry, sorry! But seriously girl, it's been this long and he's still on your mind? He must've had you whipped, you haven't even been on a date since!"
"Yes I have!" You defend, placing your tea down on the coffee table and crossing your legs under your blanket.
"Fucking some guy on the gross sinks of the club handicap stall is not a date" She got you there. Suddenly, you hear the front door open, and Emmie's laughter echo around the hallway. "Christ, here she comes" Caroline sits up on the couch and fixes her hair, as if Emmie and her mystery man would come in the room anyway.
You were proven extremely wrong when the door is pushed open and your second roommate strolls in, three beers in hand. She throws one at you and one at Caroline, using her foot to keep the door open.
"I come bearing gifts!" Emmie exclaims, holding her own beer in her hands as you try biting the lid off the beer open. "We're gonna chill in here for a bit with you guys, Tyler's just taking his shoes off"
"Who?!" Caroline exclaims, as you choke on your own breath. "Who is gonna chill in here for a bit?" She looks between the two of you as you scramble on the couch to find the missing beer cap.
Confusion etches across Emmie's face, staring at you as you frantically sit back up, pushing your glasses back up your nose. "Oh shit!" She exclaims, her eyes widening in realisation. "Oh shit!"
"Oh shit what?" that all to familiar voice asks from behind her as he strolls into the living room, making eye contact with Caroline before turning towards you. His eyes grow wide, his hands immediately reaching to take his hat off and hold it to his chest. The hat that you bought him. That stupid, stupid hat that you spent a stupid, stupid amount of money on, but somehow all seemed worth it to see that stupid, stupid smile on his stupid, stupid face.
It seemed like forever that he was staring into you before Caroline broke the silence by clearing her throat. "Um, it's nice to meet you, Tyler. How are you, Tyler? What's going on, Tyler?" She raises her eyebrows at him, as you shoot her a glare.
"Uh- yeah, I'm good, you must be Caroline" He finally tears his eyes away from you to spare an awkward, tight-lipped smile. A familiar gut-wrenching embarrassment fills your body as you look down at your lap as it hits you that your ex-boyfriend is in your apartment, with the intention of fucking your best friend, and you're sat on the couch in your pyjama's drinking tea at 10pm on a Saturday night.
Emmie awkwardly sits on the couch next to Caroline, slipping her shoes off and mouthing a 'Sorry', reaching into her pocket to pull out her phone.
I'm so sorry, she texts you. I had no idea that was the Tyler, I'm gonna ask him to leave, tell him I don't feel well. I'm so sorry
You reply: you don't have to do that, i'm just gonna take myself off to bed
No this is my mess, Emmie's next text reads. I'll sort it all out.
Tyler's still standing awkwardly in the doorway as you launch yourself off of the couch and into the kitchen, pouring your beer down the sink out of pure humiliation. He still wore the same cologne, you could smell the sandalwood on his skin as you pushed past him, his warm flesh brushing against the bare skin of your arm. He still had that same look in his eyes all those years ago when he looked at you, that one of adoration.
You rub your eyes and look out the kitchen window of your apartment at the city lights, the rain pattering slowly against the glass panes as you sigh and lean your back against the counter. It was almost like mother nature was mocking you, laughing in your face as the memories of your last meeting with Tyler flooded your mind.
"Baby, just come back inside, we can talk!" He bellowed from his porch. "It's storming, Y/N, just come inside!"
You continue down his front path as the rain and hail slammed on the pavement. You didn't know what you were doing, your house was a forty-five minute walk from Tyler's place, but you knew you'd regret it if you gave in. Suddenly, his hand grabbed your bicep from behind, twisting you around. He saw your bloodshot eyes and puffy lips and immediately his features softened.
"Darlin', I'm sorry, please just come inside and we can talk it all out" His palm came up to cradle the side of your face, and you had to fight the urge to lean into his warm, tender touch.
"There's nothing to talk about, Tyler" You replied, shaking your head. Another tear rolled down your cheek, unrecognisable as the rain hammered down on your head. "You made your choice, let me make mine"
Tyler's eyebrows furrowed. "My choice? I choose you! I always chose you, I will always choose you!" His hand left your face, falling limp at his side.
"Tell that to Boone" You shook you head. "Tell that to everyone on that stupid fucking tornado chasing team! That's what you'd rather be doing!" He scoffs, wiping a hand down his face. "What? It's true! All I've done for the last decade is support you, I let you go off and do whatever it is you do in that stupid truck, I supported you in college when you didn't have a clue what you were gonna do with your life, I came with you on chases even though I fucking hate thunder, and I hate the danger, I do everything for you! And what do I get?"
"You get to be with me!" He cut you off, you were both yelling now, drawing attention from the neighbours as lights in the houses around you slowly turned on. "Isn't that enough? Am I not enough?"
"Don't you dare turn this on me!" You turn your back on him, wiping your face. You're too far in to let him see you cry. "Tyler, of course you're enough. I'm in love with you, I have been for ten years, but all I do in this relationship is hurt. I don't feel loved, I feel like you're not satisfied until you've got your adrenaline fix on some tornado hundreds of miles away from you. Am I supposed to sit on the porch knitting, waiting for you to show back up? God forbid my boyfriend cares about me and what I want!"
"If that's how you feel, maybe we shouldn't be together!" He exclaims, his hands flying into the air as the rain beats down harder and harder.
"Maybe we shouldn't!" Your shoulders slump as you stare at him, the hurt in his eyes clouding over as any ounce of hope he had in his body to remedy this is blown away by the wind and washed away by the rain. "We're not fifteen anymore, Tyler. I can't keep doing this, I can't keep hoping and praying that you'll come back to me alive. I just can't."
"Hey" Emmie's voice sounds behind you. You turn your head towards the kitchen door, where she's shutting it behind her. "I told Tyler I wasn't feeling well, and if I'm honest, he couldn't get out of here fast enough" She awkwardly chuckles and walks over to you, giving you a hug. "I'm so sorry, Y/N/N, I didn't know that was your Tyler. I would've never have spoken to him, let alone brought him home if I knew-"
"Emmie, relax" You reply, a dry laugh leaving your throat. "It's fine, there's no need to apologise. I was just shocked to see him, that's all. It's okay, I'm okay, I promise."
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You climb out of the cab, Caroline and Emmie hot on your tail as the three of you link arms and giggle as you stumble towards the bar. The three bottles of wine you had in the refrigerator went down a treat as Emmie and Caroline coaxed you into drinking with them, and you let them convince you going to the bar that Tyler frequented was a fabulous use of your time.
It had been two weeks since your encounter with him, and you'd be lying if you said it wasn't all you thought about. The look on his face, the smell of his skin and that goddamned hat that he still refused to part with all these years later.
You'd spent the majority of the past few weeks reminiscing on the relationship, thinking about what everything was and what it could've grown into. Where would you be today? On your own ranch, like your parents, but bigger, and would you finally have gotten that ring, maybe a couple of kids? Even today, when you pictured your future, it was always with him by your side.
The atmosphere in the bar was lively, music blasting out of the jukebox as you had to elbow your way to the bar for a drink. Your eyes take a scan of the room, but he wasn't in sight. A twang of disappointment struck you, as if you would've approached him anyway.
"What can I get you?" The bartender asks, but before you could open your mouth, someone responds for you.
"Black label, on the rocks" Tyler slides up beside you, the slight redness in his eyes indicating he was just as buzzed as you were. "Hey" He rests his elbow on the bar, passing the bartender his card and shooting you a smile.
He looked somewhat the same, his shoulders were broader and his smile no longer reached his eyes, but he was still your Tyler. The mischievous glint in his eye was gone, and he had grown some stubble, even with all the differences he was still just as charming as he was all those years ago.
"Hi" you reply, taking your drink from his hand and throwing it all down.
"Woah, slow down there, cowgirl" He laughed, his old nickname for you making shivers run up your spine. You glanced over your shoulder to find Emmie and Caroline, but they had scuttled off to a dark corner of the bar, no doubt to watch this interaction.
You had never felt more awkward in your life. All of a sudden the top you thought was cute three hours ago is too much for the atmosphere you're in, and your makeup is too perfect to be ruined by the tears that would inevitably fall within the next fifteen minutes.
Tyler nods his head towards the door, taking your hand delicately in his as he led you to the deck of the bar. Sparks shot up your arm and through your body at his gentle touch, his grasp far from firm, as if you were glass that would shatter. You follow him out and perch at an empty table overlooking the street.
"How are you?" He asked, looking at you, as if he could see inside your brain. You stare back, eyebrows furrowed.
"I'm fine" You reply, nervously licking your lips and twiddling your fingers on your lap. This is so fucking awkward.
He gives you a knowing look. "No, you're not" He looks away from you and wipes his face with his hand, something he always did to stop himself from crying. "I know you're not, because I haven't been fine since we broke up. And we're cut from the same cloth, you and me, we've been interlinked since we met"
You were sat on the back porch of your parents ranch. It was a sweltering summers day, sweat licking at your skin as you shifted uncomfortably in the deck chair. Your friend Hannah was over, bringing a bottle of some sort of dark liquor with her as she sat next to you, pouring you both another glass.
"Say, when is your brother gonna be home?" She smirked at you as you playfully swatted her arm. "What!? He's hot!"
"Hannah, behave!" You laughed. "But it should be any minute now" You winked at her, reaching for your glass. Usually you wouldn't condone any of your friends getting with your twin brother, but Hannah had liked him for years and you kind of just wanted her to shut up.
As if on cue, the french doors of the patio slid open and your brother walked onto the porch, grabbing Hannah's glass and downing whatever concoction she had made for herself. She playfully giggled, and the sight made you sick to your stomach, but you laughed along anyway.
"Hello, Hannah" Your brother gave her her glass back before turning to you and grimacing. "Hello....thing...."
"Hello, ugly" you responded, pulling your sunglasses on top of your head and sitting up properly to face him. "Why did you have to come out here and ruin my time with my friend?"
"Um, it's hot, you fucking idiot, and the AC is broken, so Tyler and I are gonna chill out here. I see you have liquor, so we're gonna be enjoying that just as much as you are" He pulled up a chair opposite Hannah, so close to her that their knees touched. You wished he'd swallow his pride and make the first move, because you knew damn well Hannah wouldn't.
"Tyler?" Hannah asked, her eyebrows furrowing. "Who's Tyler?"
"I am" he said from behind you, a shadow was cast over your face as he moved to stand next to you. You looked up, and there he was, the most beautiful man you'd ever seen, and probably would ever see. "And you must be Y/N?" You nodded. "I've heard a lot about you"
"Good things I hope" You joke, a laugh bubbling out your throat as your brother clears his throat. "But if they're coming from my brother, I can't imagine it's anything but slander"
You all erupt into laughter, and that was it. After that day, Tyler never left your side.
You lean back into your chair, avoiding eye contact with Tyler. He wasn't lying, you two were eerily similar, and he'd always been the one person, aside from your brother, who could read you like a book. There was no denying your souls were hand crafted for each other.
"How's your brother?" He asks, a lame attempt at conversation.
"I thought you would know" You turned to look at him. "He married Hannah a few months ago. I was half expecting to see you there"
Tyler shook his head. "Corey hasn't spoken to me since we broke up. I think he's angry I broke his sister's heart"
Your lips form a tight line. "What do you want from me Tyler? Have you dragged me out here away from my friends to make pointless small talk or did you have anything of value to say to me?"
"Is it so wrong to want to talk to you?" He asks again, hurt brushing over his features before he regained composure. You roll your eyes and stand up, making your way back into the bar. Before you could walk in, Caroline runs over and slams the door to the deck shut in front of you, Emmie furiously pointing at Tyler, mouthing "fucking talk to him!"
You sigh in defeat and turn around to see Tyler smiling, shading his eyes from the heat lamp burning down on his skin.
"Guess you have no choice" He joked. "But I can't talk to you knowing your roommates are staring at us"
"Well, what do you propose?" You asked, pulling your jacket tighter around yourself. You were not leaving the bar with him.
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You left the bar with him. You found yourself strolling down the street, buying a case of beer from the gas station and suddenly, twenty minutes later, you were sat on the cliffside Tyler took you to years ago, moderately buzzed from the mixture of beer and hard liquor.
"I still carry your photo in my wallet" You admit, looking at him on the other side of the bench. "The one I took of you here, in this exact spot, when you made us a picnic before you left on a chase"
"I'd be lying if I said I haven't done the same thing" He reached into his pocket and pulled a polaroid out of his own wallet. It was crumpled and faded, but you could still make out your own face in the moonlight, smiling up at the camera, eyes squeezed shut with Tyler's hat adorning your head. You laughed to yourself.
You settled into a comfortable silence, the subtle admission of lost love still hanging in the air, weighing down on you.
"Why?" He asked. You looked back at him. "Why did you keep it?"
"Why did you?" You retaliate, raising an eyebrow at him in suspicion.
"Why do you think?" He sighed and shuffled ever so slightly closer to you. "I remember when you broke up with me you told your brother I was the biggest mistake of your life. He came banging my front door down, probably ready to beat me to a pulp. I would've let him. But as soon as he told me that- as soon as he told me that you said I was a mistake, every bit of anger in me just dissipated. I was in love with you, hell, I am in love with you, and all I could do was question how I managed to fuck up so bad that our decade together felt like a mistake to you."
"You were never a mistake, Tyler" You whisper softly, choosing to ignore the fact he just admitted his love for you all these years later. "I was mad, mad that I let go so easily, and it was easier to blame you than admit that I broke up with you over something so- so mundane"
He had moved closer to you, his thigh pressing against yours on the bench as he leant down to put his empty beer bottle on the floor. He sat back up, putting one arm around you as you rested your head on his shoulder. You fit in the crook of his neck like a missing piece of a puzzle, and a satisfied sigh left your lips.
"Tyler?" You say, he hums in response. "You're in love with me?"
His shoulders tense as he sucks in a sharp breath. Maybe you should've continued to ignore it.
"Of course I am" he replies softly, lifting your head up and cupping your jaw. Finally, you lean into his touch, a smile tugging at your lips. "I have been for fourteen years. I could never love anyone like I love you, you're it for me"
You stare at him, allowing yourself to fall deeply into his gaze. His features had considerably softened since you first saw him in the bar. The glint of hope in his eyes had returned, and the crease in his brow has gone. The slow breeze pushed his hair slightly back, and you had to resist the urge to run your hands through his blonde locks.
He was slowly leaning in, and before you knew it, your eyes were fluttering shut as you felt his lips lightly graze yours. His other hand found the other side of your face, cradling you like you were the most precious jewel. Your hand instinctively goes up to hold his wrist, his skin rough against your palm.
"Can I- can I kiss you?" He whisper's against your mouth. You nod.
His lips finally pressed against yours, gentle and full of years of love. He tasted the same as he always did, the distinct flavour of vanilla from his chapstick he carried around in his back pocket. His lips slotted against yours perfectly as your arms made their way around his neck. For the first time in years, you felt at peace.
Tyler reluctantly pulled away, resting his forehead against yours. "What do you say?" He whispered. "Be my mistake."
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Utterly gone - Lewis Hamilton NSFW
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Can be read as part 2 to A smile like that but it's a piece on its own.
warnings: unprotected sexual activities, oral sex mainly.
Wrap it before you tap it.
wordcount: +3k
a/n: Wasn't gonna post this, but I think we could all use some soft smutty comfort after the shit show this race was.
a/n.2: Special mention to Lewis adjusting in front of the cameras in the quali press conference
As always, I'm open for feedback, come say hi!
EXPLICIT CONTENT UNDER, -18 DO NOT INTERACT
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The suite was quiet when I finally slipped inside, the faint hum of the almost rising city life seeping in from the balcony. I dropped my bag by the door and kicked off my heels, feeling every ounce of fatigue settle in.
Singapore always did that—drained you without mercy, and yet, it was beautiful enough to make you forgive it.
Lewis had beaten me back to the room, not that it had surprised after hearing he wouldn’t be making the media round.
Sure enough, I found him in the bathroom, leaning his weight on the counter, fresh out of the shower, a towel slung low around his waist.
His skin gleamed under the warm lights, and his face… tired was a understatement— he could probably sleep for a week straight.
Dark circles under his eyes, the slightest furrow to his brow, as he absentmindedly worked his moisturizer into his skin.
God, how was it possible for him to look so good after almost being dehydrated?
I should probably say something snarky. After all, I had asked for a win, and what did I get?
But I knew better in that moment and honestly watching him rub lotion into his skin with those deft, practiced hands—he was so gentle with himself, it was almost unfair how much I melted at the sight of it.
My eyes trailed down his back, appreciating the little flex of muscle every time his hands moved, before finally pushing off from the door and walking toward him.
The whole thing felt so domestic, so… normal. Like this was our routine after every race weekend. Like I wasn’t still getting used to seeing him like this—bare, unguarded, with no cameras or crowds around.
“Hey,” I greeted, leaning against the counter beside him, my hand brushing his skin. He glanced at me through the mirror, a tired smile tugging at his lips.
“Hey, love” he murmured, still focused on his task. I watched the way his fingers traced the lines of his jaw as he applied the cream, and a warmth spread through my chest.
“Not quite what we expected, was it?” I tried, still feeling the mood in the room, my eyes twinkling as I caught his gaze in the mirror.
He chuckled softly, shaking his head. “Guess I owe you a win.”
I gave a mock frown, crossing my arms. “Yeah, you do. But, hey, at least you managed to sneak in that kiss before the race, so maybe I can forgive you.”
He turned to face me now, that infamous grin spreading slowly across his lips. “Couldn’t resist” he said, reaching out to pull me toward him, his arms wrapping around my waist. I let him, his body sinking into me while my body betrayed any pretense of annoyance.
I rolled my eyes. “You know I hate that. Not in front of all the cameras.”
He chuckled again, the sound low and rich, vibrating against my chest. “You liked it, though. Don’t lie.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I quipped, trying to ignore the way his fingers trailed up and down my spine. “But for the record, I also owe you.”
He breathed in almost sighting, leaning in closer, his breath brushing my ear. “I’m knackered, babe.”
I pushed him gently toward the bed, unable to hold back my grin. “Don’t worry, this reward doesn’t require you to lift a single finger.”
I brought the lotion from the counter. Lewis was sitting on the edge of the bed, his shoulders slouched, towel still hanging precariously low on his hips.
His eyes tracked my every movement as I made my way over, like he was too tired to speak but too intrigued not to watch.
I stood in front of him, letting the lotion warm in my hands before I gently placed them on his arms. His skin was still damp from the shower, and as I worked the lotion into his forearms, I could feel the exhaustion radiating off him. His muscles, taut and defined, finally relaxing under my touch.
“Thought you said this was my reward,” he muttered, a half-hearted attempt at a banter playing at his lips as he watched me. “Feels more like I’m getting spoiled.”
“Shh,” I said, quirking a brow at him. “Don’t ruin the moment, Hamilton.”
He chuckled softly, but he didn’t argue. Smart man.
I let my hands wander further, rubbing the lotion into his biceps, taking my time. He deserved it.
God knows how much strain he puts his body through during that race, and seeing him like this—vulnerable, letting me take care of him—made my heart do that stupid fluttering thing I still wasn’t used to.
As I moved to his shoulders, massaging the knots and tension out of his neck, he let out a low, contented hum, his head dropping forward just slightly.
“This alright?” I asked, even though I already knew the answer. It was in the way he was practically melting under my hands.
“Mmm,” was all he managed to get out, his eyes fluttering shut as I continued my work.
My hands moved to his chest, spreading the lotion across his smooth skin. His breath hitched, just for a second, as my fingers grazed his collarbone.
God, he was beautiful. I tried to keep my thoughts from spiraling, but it was hard not to admire every inch of him—the way his chest rose and fell beneath my touch, the warmth radiating off his skin.
By the time I got to his abs, his eyes were back on me, half-lidded but focused, watching my every move. I couldn’t help the grin that tugged at my lips.
“You really know how to spoil a man” he murmured, his voice husky.
I shrugged playfully. “I did promise you something, didn’t I?”
His gaze softened, and for a moment, we just stood there, me between his legs, him looking up at me like I was the only thing keeping him grounded.
And maybe I was. At least for that night anyway.
I cupped his face in my hands, my thumbs brushing over the light stubble on his jaw. His beard was a little more grown out than usual, and the roughness beneath my fingers made me smile at much we had grown used to each other.
“Whatever this is between us,” I started, my voice quieter now, my heart pounding harder than I cared to admit, “I’m ready for it, if you are.”
His breath caught in his throat, and for a second, I wondered if I’d said too much. But then he smiled—God, that smile—and it was all I needed.
He pulled me down to meet his lips, soft and slow at first, like he was savoring every second.
When we finally broke apart, there was a look in his eyes—something vulnerable, something real—and it made me laugh softly, because Lewis Hamilton, the man who could keep his cool under any amount of pressure, looked like he was trying to make sure he hadn’t just imagined this whole thing.
“You really are unbelievable” I teased, brushing my thumb over his bottom lip.
He gave me that lazy smile and pulled me closer, his voice low, almost reverent. “And you’re mine.”
And in that moment, I knew it was true.
As I knelt between his legs, my fingers trailing along his soft, warm skin, a single thought crossed my mind: How did I get here?
One minute, I was dodging his cheesy messages, and now the man was sitting there, half-asleep, eyes half-lidded, as vulnerable as I had seen him.
And me? I was utterly gone for him.
But, God, he looked so damn good. Even tired, fresh out of the shower, with his braids slightly damp and that towel sitting low on his hips. The way he sat, like he knew he had all the time in the world, like he could wait for me forever.
We were both worn out after the weekend, the clock read 5.a.m and the man had just lost around 3kgs in under two hours. Yet here I was, determined to give him the kind of reward he wouldn't forget.
Because, if I was being honest with myself, I wanted this as much as he did.
His breath hitched as I ran my hand down his abs, my fingers teasingly hovering near the edge of the towel. He shot me a look—half amused, half daring. His smirk was infuriatingly confident, even now.
I could tell he was fighting exhaustion, but there was no way he was going to let me out of this one.
“Don’t tempt me,” he murmured, low and sultry, as though I hadn’t already made up my mind.
I raised an eyebrow, my lips curling into a playful grin. "Oh, I’m not tempting." I let my fingers slip just under the edge of the towel. "I’m delivering."
Before he could get another word in, I tugged the towel loose. It fell open in his lap, and his throat pushed down a gulp as he realized exactly where this was heading.
His breath hitched when my fingers brushed lightly over his soft dick, and I couldn’t help but smirk. “What was that about ‘a heatstroke’ Hamilton?”
He chuckled softly, though it was a little strained, his eyes never leaving mine as I wrapped my hand around him, giving him a gentle squeeze. “Was told to not lift a muscle and be mindful of heavy activities”
“Mm-hmm, don’t worry I’ll take it from here”
As my hand wrapped around his soft dick, I could see the exact moment the cockiness melted off his face. His lips parted, and a shaky breath escaped him as I gave him a slow stroke, feeling him harden in my hand.
My inner voice was screaming with victory. That little smirk? Gone. Reduced to nothing but ragged breaths and soft moans.
I kissed along his length, starting slow, teasing. Because even though I wanted to give him exactly what he craved, I wasn’t about to let him off that easy.
His hips bucked just a little, his eyes fluttered shut for a moment and his lips parting slightly. All reminders of how much he needed this, needed me.
And honestly, I loved every second of it.
My lips grazed his tip, already glistening with pre-cum, and I flicked my tongue against him, tasting him for the first time tonight. The salty-sweetness on my tongue made me hum in satisfaction.
He groaned, his head tilting back as I took him into my mouth, inch by inch, my hand still stroking what my lips couldn’t reach. He was getting harder, thickening in my mouth, and when I peeked up at him, his eyes were half-closed, his face contorted in bliss.
“Fuck, love…” His voice was low and ragged, like he could barely string the words together.
Encouraged by the sound of his pleasure, I picked up the pace, sucking him deeper and harder, my free hand gently massaging his balls.
His breath hitched again, his hips involuntarily thrusting forward, pushing himself further into my throat.
I wasn’t just giving him head; I was savoring him, relishing every reaction he gave me. He wasn’t just a F1 champion right now—he was mine, completely undone by me, and that thought made me chuckle.
His fingers went to back of my neck, his fingers tugging at the soft skin, gently guiding my head as I bobbed up and down on him. His touch wasn’t rough, though—more like he was hanging on for dear life, trying not to lose control.
But I wanted him to lose control. I wanted to be the reason.
It wasn’t long before his body started to tense, his breath coming out in sharp gasps, his grip on my head tightening as I took him deeper, my lips wrapped tightly around his now fully engorged dick.
“Love, I’m—” His voice broke, a guttural moan escaping his lips as I felt his cock pulse in my mouth. And then, with one last thrust, he came.
His warm, slightly fruity-tasting seed spilled into my mouth, and I swallowed him down, feeling the tension leave his body in waves.
I stayed there for a moment, his dick still in my mouth, gently holding him as he came down from the high. When I finally released him, I couldn’t help but leave a soft kiss on the tip, smiling up at him.
For a moment, I just watched him, wondering how I could feel this good about someone else’s pleasure. But it was him. It was Lewis. The man who could make me smile just by walking into a room, the one who posted cheesy Instagram captions just to get a reaction out of me.
His chest was heaving, his head thrown back, and when he finally looked down at me, his expression was somewhere between disbelief and utter satisfaction.
“Jesus” he muttered, still catching his breath.
I wiped the corner of my mouth with the back of my hand before standing up and leaning in to kiss him softly. He kissed me back with lazy, contented strokes of his lips, tasting himself on me.
“You good there, champ?” I teased, brushing my hand on the skin of his thigh.
He let out a weak chuckle as I stood up, leaving Lewis in a blissful haze, he watched me with those half-lidded, dazed eyes, his lips still parted and a silly smile danced on his lips.
“Just need a quick shower,” I said, my voice lighter now, as I brushed a hand over his damp chest. His skin was warm under my fingers, still slick from the lotion, and for a second, I just wanted to crawl into bed with him right then and there.
Lewis chuckled softly, his hand slipping lazily over mine before letting it go. “Take your time, love. Not going anywhere.”
The playful edge in his voice was replaced by something softer, and it made my heart flip. He didn’t need to say it, but I could hear the unspoken words between us: I’m here to stay.
As I disappeared into the bathroom, I let the water run warm, and my mind wandered back to him, sitting there on the bed, probably still recovering.
It felt like the most natural thing in the world, this routine between us—like we’d been doing it for years instead of months.
Under the warm stream, I couldn’t stop grinning like an idiot. My mind couldn’t help but flicker back to yesterday, to that moment in the presser where the world had caught him, not-so-discreetly, adjusting himself in his fireproofs.
I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it. Not in a dirty way… okay, maybe a little dirty. But mostly, I couldn’t stop picturing his hands, the way his muscles tensed.
Like he’d hoped no one would notice. Like I hadn’t already memorized every detail about him, including that not-so-little part he was trying to rearrange.
I’d tried to play it cool, ignoring the way the image stuck with me since, but now that I’d just had him falling apart under my hands, it only made the memory that much more satisfying.
The teasing was fun, but the way he trusted me with parts of himself no one else saw—that was something else.
When I stepped out, towel wrapped around me, I found him exactly where I’d left him.
Only this time, he’d shifted to the middle of the bed, his head resting on the plush pillows, the towel from earlier discarded somewhere, and the duvet pulled over his waist.
He looked so at peace, the kind of peace you only find after you've completely let go. His eyes fluttered open as I crossed the room.
“You know,” I said, sliding into bed beside him, “I wasn’t planning on making you that blissed out.”
He chuckled, his hand immediately finding my waist, pulling me closer. “Didn’t hear any complaints from me.”
I laughed softly, snuggling up to him as his arm wrapped securely around me. My hand found its place on his chest, where I began tracing lazy circles against his skin, feeling the steady rise and fall of his breaths beneath my fingertips.
It was quiet for a moment, the kind of comfortable silence where nothing needed to be said.
The world outside didn’t matter. The race result didn’t matter.
It was just us, tangled together in a king-sized bed, far away from the noise of the race, the cameras, the expectations. It felt like we were in our own little bubble, and I didn’t want it to pop.
As his head found its way to my lap, his hair tickling my thighs, I continued my absent-minded tracing on his skin, enjoying the closeness.
His body started to relax even more, sinking into me like he was using me as a pillow.
And then, just when I thought he’d drift off completely, he murmured, his voice thick with sleep, “That was better than a podium.”
I blinked, momentarily confused. “Wait… the head?”
He let out a soft chuckle, his lips curling into a sleepy smile. “Nah, love. Having you here… as mine. That’s what’s better.”
My breath hitched, and for a second, I wasn’t sure how to respond.
My heart did that stupid thing where it felt too big for my chest, and all I could do was smile like an idiot.
The man could win championships, sure. But moments like this? When it was just us, no pretense, no show—this is where he truly wins me over.
I looked down at him, his eyes closed already, lashes brushing his cheeks, and I brushed a soft kiss to his forehead.
“Mhm…” he muttered, already half-asleep. “Love you too.”
And just like that, I was a goner. The words weren’t even fully processed in my mind, but my heart knew.
It always had.
I didn’t even need to say them back. Not yet. He knew. And he’d wait, just like he always did.
As he drifted off, his breathing slow and even, I felt a warmth settle in my chest. I could’ve sworn he was smiling, even in his sleep.
And yeah, maybe I had fallen hard for him, but if this was what it felt like? I wasn’t in any rush to stop.
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“Don’t touch me. We’re fighting.”
Quinn pleaseeee 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
I'm gonna put a warning on this because I like it so I don't feel like rewriting it. Warning: shitty relationship with father.
Drabble Masterlist
"Don't touch me. We're fighting."
Quinn didn't seem to care that you were pissed. But pissed didn't even describe the soreness in your jaw from clenching it so tight or the fact that your body temperature was elevated or that all you wanted to do was scream. Glancing over as he stood on the other side of the kitchen island, his face was as it always was calm, his thoughts were probably collected while your brain was firing off things to add to the fire if needed, he looked like he was in control of his body while yours was being controlled by the rage inside you. Looking at Quinn only pissed you off more so you just looked away.
After a minute, you decided it was best to walk away and cool off before you said something you'd regret. Quinn on the other hand, wasn't done fighting he wanted you to understand his point of view and he didn't wanna wait till morning. As you made your way down the hall you could hear Quinn's footsteps behind you.
"Wait Y/N, Let me explain." He went to gently touch your arm in hopes that you would stop walking away from him.
He got his wish, you turned around talking through your teeth you grunted. "Don't touch me. We're fighting."
Quinn has never pulled away from you so quickly before. Even with how angry you were at him it still hurt you how fast he pulled away. Quinn was looking at the floor, for the first time showing emotion since your fight started. "I was just trying to help."
All you could do is sigh. "By telling my father off?" you question defeat clear in your voice. "Quinn I've been over this with you, my family isn't like your family. You can't just voice your opinions to my dad, especially if it's you disagreeing with him or his choices."
Quinn looked up at you finally, he frowned his eyebrows in annoyance but you knew it wasn't at you. "Well I am mad at him. He shouldn't be allowed to talk down to you and blame you for not getting along with your stepmom when all she does is talk down to you. I couldn't sit there and let her talk down to you at dinner. Okay. And I guess I'm sorry for how it came up, but I am not sorry for standing up for you."
"Quinn I know you were trying to stand up for me. But I don't need you or anyone to stand up for me, especially against my family. Okay?" you ask waiting for him to acknowledge you.
"No. I'm sorry because how can you let them tell you that you aren't as far in your career as you should be as if they helped at all with the cost of college. Or the fact that all they did all dinner was telling you everything you were doing wrong with your life?" His tone was accusing and you found yourself taking a step back, your body was exhausted and all you wanted to was get out of this ichy dress and go to bed.
"I don't wanna have this conversation tonight." you begged.
"I just don't understand why do you even keep him around Y/N!"
"Okay since you seem to not be able to understand why I let them talk that way to you let me explain it to you so we never have to talk about this again got it?" you ask waiting for Quinn to nod his head before you continue. "Look my dad might be a piece of shit, but guess what he's my piece of shit father not anyone else's. Everyone always ask me for years 'Y/N if I were you, I'd cut him off why don't you.' For a long time I didn't have an answer for them but as I got older I do and it's this. Because he might be a piece of shit but without him I wouldn't be standing here physically because he is physically half of me. And I know you have lovely parents Quinn and brothers. But not everyone does and I am terrifed that if I do cut him out all the way vs seeing him three times a year like I do now. That one day I will get a call and he will be dead and I will have regret for not at least having him in some capactiy in my life. So because of that fear of regret because I know many people who have it now since their parents passed. I keep him around and if you can't understand that fine, not everyone does."
Taking a step closer to Quinn you add, "but whether you agree or not, you don't get to judge me for the choices I've made when it comes to the relationship between my father and I. Because that is exactly what it is." Pointing to yourself. "It's MY relationship not yours and you also don't get to make it more shaky then it already is by yelling at him in the middle of the steakhouse."
Quinn and you aren't sure how long you stood in your apartment hallway, it could of been seconds it could of been minutes. At some point Quinn looked at you and said "agree to disagree." All you did was nod and you both said true to your word you never talked about your father and your relationship ever again.
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I would like to request Bronya, Seele, Firefly, Candace, Dehya jealous hc for no reason other than because
(Honkai: Star Rail) Bronya, Seele, and Firefly, getting jealous
Do you really need a reason to see a pouting Firefly? Also will do Dehya and Candace another time, for some reason my brain ain't working.
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Bronya knows that she shouldn't feel jealous, but something tugs at her heartstrings whenever she sees S/O's focus away from her.
They had been talking to Serval for quite a long time, making her finger tapping against the desk in a slowly increasing manner.
It distracts her from the paperwork long enough to make the guards notice.
(Guard) "Lady Bronya, is everything alright?"
Her gaze shifts away from S/O as she quickly clears her throat.
(Bronya) "All is well. As you were."
S/O's eyes follow Bronya's voice, noticing that her lips were quivering ever so slightly.
Whenever its just the two of them in the room, S/O brushes their hands against her, Bronya jumping at the sudden sensation.
(S/O) "Bronya? Are you okay?"
Bronya opens her mouth to quickly assure them that it was nothing, instead a sigh leaves her lips, shaking her head.
(Bronya) "This may sound foolish but...Have I been giving you enough attention lately?"
It takes a second for S/O to connect the dots before they smile, squeezing her hand tighter.
(S/O) "Ah, I'm sorry, Serval was just telling me something about her concert and the help she needed."
(Bronya) "I-...I see."
S/O's hand gently shifted upwards to her arm before taking Bronya into a hug, one she melted into almost immediately.
(S/O) "Don't worry, my eyes are always only on you, Bronya."
The compliment warmed her cheeks while she leaned into their embrace.
(Bronya) "And mine are always on you..."
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Seele just huffs while S/O speaks to Bronya, crossing her arms and impatiently tapping her foot.
(Seele) "Tch, are we gonna speak to the princess all day, S/O? It's freezing out here."
(Bronya) "Oh, my apologies! I did not intend to keep you two for so long. Have fun on your date-"
(Seele) "Yeah yeah, we will-"
Seele drags S/O off while holding onto their arm, her brows furrowed in clear annoyance.
(S/O) "Seele?-"
Before they could finish their sentence, the realization dawned on S/O.
But knowing better than to phrase it outright lest they get probably punched, S/O instead pecked Seele's cheek to fluster her.
Which worked.
(Seele) "H-Hey, what the-?!"
(S/O) "Where do you wanna go now?"
Sighing, Seele just averts her gaze as the blood starts rushing to her cheeks.
(Seele) "...I-I guess I want to grab something to eat."
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Firefly doesn't get jealous all that easily, but when she does it's quite a sight to behold.
Not in the sense that she'd get angry or threatens to crush the person S/O is speaking to with her armor-
No, Firefly's cheek puffs out to one side as she begins to pout, crossing her arms.
Not within eyesight of her S/O, but more to herself with the action being subconsciously made.
Firefly tugs on S/O's arm gently, trying to get their attention while still being polite.
S/O quickly excuses themselves and turns to the pouting Stellaron Hunter before them.
(Firefly) "S/O, are you done talking to her?"
S/O chuckled, giving a soft kiss to her nose and flustering her for just a moment.
(S/O) "You look really cute right now."
Firefly's face slowly starts to heat up as she averts her gaze from meeting theirs.
(Firefly) "T-That isn't going to distract me, y'know!"
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tio-trile · 1 year
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Oh good Neil Gaiman finally unfollowed me after all my bullshit I can be even more unhinged now
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I'm gonna be honest with you guys, the urge to do the same thing I did with the oitd silhouettes, aka slap text posts onto the art with no knowledge of their canon personality other than what they did in the trailer and pulling from the fandom's perceived personality for them, for the new oxventure characters revealed in that trailer is so real
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bloo-the-dragon · 1 year
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*holds nebula like hamborger* what am i to do with you.
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prettyblondguys · 5 months
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A poem titled My Father Died Again Today where I describe every time someone gets rid of or changes something that was my dad's or reminded me of him
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averinthine · 16 days
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oh how i wish i could just be taking the pills that make me joyous all the time... unfortunately the pills that make me joyous are also the pills that make me incredibly drowsy, and sometimes i have things i would like to be able to do without falling over
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pomeraniandancer · 12 days
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How the fuck does this even happen...
There are a number of languages you can search for works in on AO3, including Eald Eanglisc of all things, but the one language on there that really throws me for a loop is...American Sign Language.
Like, is there even a video option on AO3 for this to be possible?
I once picked a really big fanfic collection to search for ASL fics in and the only one that categorized as ASL was *written* in English. No videofile too be seen.
The most you can do in ASL in writing is write English words with ASL syntax. But that's still not ASL. ASL does not have a written alphabet or syllabary.
Genuinely bewildered about how this came about. Can people just post something and write in an "other" language and AO3 just adds that language to the list of languages they have fics written in?
I can't think of any other way that this might've happened, and as much as I adore AO3, this is pretty problematic.
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b4kuch1n · 2 years
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gonna start subjecting u lot to my rambling abt classic viet authors
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I feel like the post I just reblogged pointing out the all-or-nothing in how many people interact with their deconstruction of systems of oppression is resonating for me right now with so many different moments in my life where someone decides that because some part of myself has access to some of the levers of control/influence/etc that come with the relationship to power, and decides what that must mean about all the other parts of me that might be explicitly refused access to those same levers.
It has happened in so many spaces/aspects of my life, and it can be so hard to feel safe and seen and trusting of others when that's my chronic relationship to being perceived - half truths and obfuscation.
It doesn't really change regardless of who's doing the assuming either. Like, where they land in relation to systems of power may influence which direction they lean in their assumptions about me, but even that is often inconsistent. Both sides of the equation (those who share my marginalizations and those who exist in spaces of closer proximity to power) will still do it nonetheless.
When I was doing my liminal social identities work in undergrad, this was actually a big part of the conceptualization we explored of traumtic alienation of self as individual from self as collective, and what it can do to people to exist in this liminal relationship with your environment and the people in it. As I'm starting to gather my thoughts about my stress modeling, this conceptualization is bubbling back to the surface. I'm finding myself meandering through it on both a path specifically my own, and in an effort to better understand what other paths may be available to people during their version of the process/experience.
Selfhood is so fragile, and so in need of balance between self-construction and co-construction for us humans, and that gives us so many beautiful, even spiritual, experiences of meaning making and generativity of self. It also createa many pivot points where we may find room in our path for vulnerability or blurring of self. As much as these pivot points can be distressing, I think they also sometimes become our foundations of change/personal evolution, when we find that through the distress of existing in shift, something meaningful is occurring or observable in our experience of self-in-transition.
I think something I've valued especially about my own relationship with self is its transience. It doesn't always end up somewhere I would be happy to sustain, but it always allows me a degree of comfort in complexity that I think has made my body-mind a safer place for me overall.
#one day i will understand how to convey self in a way that is Mine and also Effective Communication#but lord knows it ain't today#it's always so interesting to me the way people decide to position me in their social/power schema#the funny thing i think is that even as a toddler people seemed to assign me a seriousness and gravity of social value that was both#irrational and inexplicable and in many cases wildly inappropriate#apparently one of my auntie's got in a bad way of 'consulting' me like her personal spiritual guide when I was like#two years old????#and she had to be like#you can't keep talking to my toddler about this stuff#that's an extreme one but like#it's also in line with the trend#i don't think people realize how dehumanizing it feels to be Assigned Moral and Social Weight and Value like that#it makes it so painfully clear to me that i am expected to manage to accommodate everyone's needs while never having#or at least never expressing or acknowledging in the presence of others#any needs of my own regardless of their impact on me#sometimes I think people assume that I went into the fields I did as like. a white knight type motivation#or like#that going into the field is what's made me the way I am#and like.#not really. it's more that I knew my role in life was 'other people's emotional regulation/go-to anchor' as long as I've had self-concept#and at a certain point you've been playing that role long enough that your options are either#become a subject matter expert and contributer to the field#or fucking kill yourself#because you certainly can't keep doing what you're doing#i dunno. i guess i just wished there was anyone in my life i trusted to see me as the fully complexified and messy human I am#i might feel a little less like i'm the only real thing in my life#anyway i think i'm gonna go. dissociate out of existence for a while before i get the kind of suicidal that's going to worry wifey#i don't think i can cope with needing to regulate her out of an anxiety response right now and i understand that means i can't need care atm#you ever just get the feeling that you're drowning under the weight of the needs you just can never seem to meet? i do.
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dude-iloveu · 13 days
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lowkey wanna make all my ocs malay or mixed malay just because i want to explore different aspects of malay ppl from different states
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edgyandoverzealous · 1 month
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note to self sometimes watching something ironically and for the curiosity of top fandoms of yesteryear ends with *looks at smudged writing on palm* "crying over a snake/dragon/born? were-bitch?, Idk his eyes were fucking blue but I guess that doesn't mean shit cause scott's eyes were red and now they're yellow again but this ain't about him, you never really liked but that cute smart strawberry blonde girl still loved him" god it's so smudged, he's not even dead.
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poltergeistings · 4 months
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cool cool cool i should not have taken yesterday off . i have very little time the rest of the week to do anything but work
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alongtidesoflight · 2 months
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.
#i KNOW my mental health is down the drain because i woke up panicking at 4:30am for seemingly no good reason#and that was half an hour ago and i still can't go back to sleep#and i've been feeling exhausted and on the edge about switching from this dual deal of education and job training#to a full time 8 to 5 deal#for the past 2 months#kept saying that i need a break soon or i'm gonna burn out but also kept pushing myself through daily sensory overload because#i kept telling myself that there are only a couple few weeks left of this and i can do it#and now there's exactly one week left of it all until i finally get a month off and i need to do my best to keep myself from tossing it all#out the window#because i'm worried about not being able to keep up with a full time job i now signed a three year contract for#considering this half time deal already took everything out of me#it's super frustrating because for a while there i really thought i'm on top of my shit but now i'm showing symptoms of an impending#mental breakdown and i have a month to get all of this under control somehow or i'm gonna blow my chance at a job i've been working my ass#off for the past six months to a) get it in the first place and b) earn important certificates for it#and a month is just not enough to get an appointment with a counselor who i can talk to about this#and once i'm working i'll hardly have any time left for appointments considering the insane amount of time i'll be spending commuting#to work every day because i didn't yet receive the bonus payment towards a car i was promised for my efforts here#genuinely wish i had someone i could rely on during times like these but i am basically providing for my entire environment and i just#gotta keep going somehow idk#rant#gonna try to get another half an hour of sleep in now i guess
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