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nightswithkookmin · 4 years

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JIKOOK AND THEIR SHENANIGANS-pt1

Disclaimer:

This is my opinion and perspective of Jikook. I do not intend nor imply malice by my choice of words or by my interpretations of BTS' contents. Nor do I intend to be disrespectful of any member herein mentioned.

Do not take my words out of context in furtherance of your own agenda. You are the author of your own intentions and interpretations. If you do hold yourself accountable first.

PREFACE

I am done with with Jikook. Lol

I swear to God by the time they officially come out as a couple, if they ever do, I'm going to be left with severe PTSD.

Pray for me.

A lot has happened with Jikook these past few weeks. A devastating lot. Everything was going great and smooth and boom- we were hit with yet another anomaly in their dynamics. It was usual given us most of the things that had happened were entirely new to their dynamics yet not at all surprising in the grand scheme of things simply because unpredictability is Jikook's schtik and as I've come to terms with, part of their dynamics- you'll get used to it if you are new. Welcome to the club. Lol

I have shared snippets of my thoughts here and there on this whole development as and when it unfolded and said I wasn't going to deliver a comprehensive commentary until later so here it is- grab a glass of wine or coffee. It's gonna be long. Bless.

WHY I WAS HOLDING BACK

Contrary to what some people say and assume about me, I don't pull my opinions on Jikook from my ass- a dollar to the jar. Lol. I don't base my perspective on Jikook's relationship and dynamics on puff and nada. Where is the fun in that? I may be delusional about somethings but... Anywho.

I have said time and again how when it comes to Jikook moments there's always context and subtexts we are missing- it's a challenge trying to fill in the gaps. Probably part of the reason I'm obsessed with their dynamics. Lol.

Most of the theories I share with you on here are based on my observations of Jikooks interactions over a period of time. My objective has always been to try and understand the motivations (context) behind their moments and interactions, some of which I find fit a pattern while others- I never want to tackle or even think about without several pain killers and depressants until years later when a piece of content is released to provide better insights into their dynamics.

Jimin's birthday is one such moment for me. While I understood and even predicted JM's use of 5/8 in May this year was going to be a substitute for May 13 because I felt Jikook were not in a good place, were under heavy scrutiny in SK within that time period- starting with that March 30th VLive which I believe had led to a ban on Jikook using the platform on their own(especially Jimin- JK was already under ban but we will get into it later) given as BTS's content had changed drastically with heavy VLive supervision and the pg 13 contents they were made to make post that JM's VLive; then there was rumors of Dispatch's alleged conflict with BigHit, BigHit's IPO, Jungkook's Itaewon scandal- which of course were all confirmed later on that month, I felt the prospect wasn't looking good for Jikook to Jikook as wildly and as openly as they did.

Now you all know about my wild assumption about JM taking space out of their relationship due to JK coming on strong around that time so I'll spare the details.

Contrastingly, post BigHit's IPO, post Soop since Stay Gold era I felt things were looking great for Jikook. They were back to Jikooking. I felt they weren't being monitored as much by their bandmates and had a new found freedom within BigHit to do their own things as it appeared BigHit had begun 'managing' and presenting them as a brand- which I have written dissertations upon dissertations on so I won't get into.

JK and JM had started their online flirty banter thingy, even Dispatch seemed good with Bighit posting BTS official photos etc. Jimin too posted for JK on his birthday, JK came out on social media to gear up for JM's birthday and then puff- ashes. We hit a wall.

Now I know some people are speculating there was too much attention on Jikook within this time frame which is why JK didn't post- uhhmm, I don't buy it that view. There's always attention on Jikook. It's usually the negative attention like around March-June that holds them back from Jikooking. In opinion. I wouldn't call the attention they are or were getting within that time period negative.

Then there were some who speculated JK wasn't going to post because he hadn't posted for any of the members since Jin's birthday last year which again I didn't buy into. Jk is fearless and doesn't shy aware from making bold expressions of his love for Jimin. Him posting for Jimin would have been a bold move but nothing exactly new.

We've seen his GCFs. Enough said.

Personally, I felt he had showed up on social media a few days to JM's birthday to promote his music but to also prepare the grounds for when he posts on Jimin's birthday.

I genuinely felt he was gonna 'out' Jimin with that post and have people raising all kinds of brows like they did with GCF Tokyo, Saipan and Helsinki. Lol

Why did I think he was going to do this?

DECEMBER 4TH 2019

Jin's birthday. Now I have given y'all the back ground to this timeline and so I will just hit the highlights- Rosebowl, New Jersey VLive, JK getting drunk on his Jun VLive which I felt led to a ban on him from making solo live on VApp since 2019 to date- his recent Solo live was on YouTube mind you.

Prior to this I felt he and JM had earned a ban from making a VLive together until their 2020 VLive which was heavily monitored as I have speculated in past posts- again this is just my opinion.

JK, I felt, was being 'reckless' within this period. He was making bold moves and pushing the boundaries of his relationship with Jimin and even teasing the gates of the glass closet they are in. It certainly didn't help that the You too movement in S.K and the whole Idol sex abuse scandals in Kpop was on going as I've mentioned before-which had led to August's issues. Again you know my theory on the whole tattoo girl scandal so skipping.

October we had the whole cancel Jikook hashtag trending after Jikook's performance of I still want you and the whole you are me, I am you schtick.

In all of this I felt Jikook were fine.

November is when I noticed Jikook having 'issues' in their relationship (rolling my eyes at Silver) lol. Now again I won't go into all of that but you can check the real time contents/ behind scenes content on BTS around the time period and draw your own conclusions on that.

Then came the December ups and downs, JM flinching and dropping his face when JK went to sit by him in Jin's VLive- JK's awkwardness around Jimim. Now I know some people interpret this Live as that they were fighting? I won't call it fight fight perse. Lol. Issues, perhaps?Just seemed to me JM wanted to keep a low profile because again they were under heavy public scrutiny around the time which was what I feel was causing RM to keep an eye on them throughout that period- by keeping an eye on them I mean he was invoking the spirit of Jesus between them Pentecostal style. Bless him.

But seems JK wasn't having none of that, clearly. Lmho. There were already alot of restrictions on him since June in the way he used social media(Vapp) he and JM were not allowed to VLive together, he couldn't solo Vlive no more and now he couldn't even sit right with his man- I approve of the frying pans Jk. I APPROVE. Lol.

All this is my opinion of course.

But I think that is what he meant when he kept saying it's been a while he did a solo live and didn't even know how to do one anymore in his recent YouTube live- Jk can be passive aggressive in that way but we will get into that YouTube live in a bit. Hang in there.

So with all this going on I felt I understood him when he missed Jin's birthday on Twitter. Felt like a silent protest to me. But then again I thought perhaps it was just an impulsive act on his part.

Then he missed Tae's Birthday too and I thought hold on- this man is up to something. He was gonna a statement with that in retaliation to all the ban and sanctions and interferences with his personal life.

I was just following this whole drama with anxious glee towards a big reveal and then- cricket's ass ass deadass. Chilee. This man is cruel! Lol. I'm gonna need therapy to process this one on god! Lol JK!

My Right brain said perhaps, others had been right after all and he hadn't done all of that missed birthdays on purpose at all but had only acted impulsively in the heat of the moment given everything that had been going on with the group in around Jin's birthday- Mama 2019, we all know what had happened.

I felt perhaps, the moment he missed Jin's then he had to miss everyone's because if he wished any other person a happy birthday people were going to ask questions. People were going to assume he hated whoever he didn't wish a happy birthday.

But then my left brain- the crazy delulu side, also thought otherwise. I had a funny feeling that JK really intended to post only for Jimin on his birthday since he had been gearing up for it and that the only reason he wouldn't go through with it was if JM had asked him not to.

Why would JM do that? Because he enjoys the glass closet- he loves to flex his bond with JK, tease their relationship, claim his man, he wants people to know JK is his man because he is happy with him and proud of the man that he is but that doesn't mean he is ready to come out as LGBTQ plus. In my opinion.

JK I feel was done hiding the moment he posted GCF in Saipan- he gets right with us. Bless him.

JK often weaponizes their 'secret' against Jimin and hold's it over his head sometimes- so often when Jimin is on his Kumbaya agenda with the group taking their sides on things relating to their relationship JK switches on him and tries to expose Jimin- if you're just gonna help them burn us, I'm just gonna blow the whole operation out in the open and we are all going down. Chilee!

God, I felt Jk was going to expose Jikook for real! 🤣 Don't mess with JK and his Jimin- even Jimin himself gets burns sometimes.

Remember when JK threatened to expose a picture of himself with a hickey if JM didn't stay and do a VLive with him? Remember that? JK scares me for real when he is on his Jikook agenda! Lol

I felt he knew exactly what he was doing just as he knew exactly what he was doing with Saipan and editing of Helsinki. He just reiterated it in his recent live- which we will get into soon. He pointed out how he had gone to ask the members to describe the feelings they wanted to express through the MV he directed.

He admitted yet again in that live how he expresses his feelings, HIS FEELINGS, through his art and music- for all those who keep saying you can't tell JK loves JM just because he doesn't do the things JM does. Lmho.

And so I was heavily confused by these two conflicting theories in my brain. Which is why I kept saying I didn't want to jump into conclusions, that I was going to need more content yadda yadda yadda.

Which brings me to my resolution for JM's birthday saga.

POST JIMIN'S BIRTHDAY

Jimin enjoys been treated special. It's part of his love language. Jk has always treated him like he is special to him. And I know people claim it's just a birthday post- sure. But I understand also that Jimin doesn't Joke with his birthday. His father doesn't Joke with his birthday and clearly neither does JK- given as even before they all started the exchanging of gifts culture that he was giving presents to JM and JM alone within the group.

Besides, he's said he reads the members birthday messages to him on social media and have gone ahead to read some of them on his birthday Vlives in the past. So I can't say JK not posting was nothing.

My resolution was simple. I was going to examine their interactions post Jimin's birthday to see if their dynamics had flipped to see if JK not posting for JM's birthday had in anyway affected their relationship.

If JM's birthday meant something to him. Jk was going to make it up to him- openly. Deadass but in my opinion. Lol.

That's one aspect of Jikook's dynamics you can always count on- hopefully. Lol.

They have a way of reassuring eachother of their love and affection. And I don't know what happened to put the fear of God in both of them but lord are they both scared of pissing the other off! Jesus! Not sure if it's the whippery but damn- they are both crazy for that.

For instance, take JinMin's VLive right before the New Jersey Vlive. JM posted immediately after their live had ended to say he is sorry and loves JK on Twitter. And y'all saw him when JK panned to him on the bed? I've never seen a man so terrified of another man in my entire shipping life- Manila must have put the fear of JK in him, which THANK GOD! lol. Jimin plays too much. Lmho.

Never knew a hyung needed permission from a dongsaeng to leave a room until that day. Chileee! Jin had pulled a prank on JK too but I didn't see him wetting his pants and blowing kithes to JK- come at me with Jinkook is real, see what happens. Lol

Then GCF in Tokyo! I know to some it seemed like a random act of confession on JK's part but boy did he have motivation! He don stressed JM out to the ends of the world with those weird ass rumors (again not gonna mention it because it's very controversial 'saesangs' nature) if you know good for you but chilee you didn't hear it here. Lol

Then there was that whole photoshoot and JM looking like he wanted to kill JK lol right around August 2017. Which I have discussed in one of my blog posts. I think it's in a lot of jeonlous. I'll link it later- if I find it.

Then the almighty 2019 Tattoo Girl scandal, I'm not talking about the August scandal. I'm talking about the one on JM's birthday last year which launched the severe 'I am sorry' hashtags in JK's post on JM's birthday. In my opinion definitely.

The Tattoo girl's shop had wanted until Jimin's birthday, almost a month after the incident, to release a statement which blew up the incident again and almost overshadowed JM's birthday.

Chilee, the delulu in me felt that was intentional. They just wanted to hurt JK by ruining his man's birthday for him- never let him forget. Lol. These evil masterminds. Chilee!

In my opinion. Please.

My point is, JM and JK do make out in efforts to fix their relationship. And usually, I find whoever is in the wrong takes the most initiatives- not to say all the GCFs was because of a fight. Personally I take Saipan and Helsinki more seriously than Tokyo. Just saying.

And of course we all saw JM fly all the way from Paris on JK's birthday- talk of grand gestures and extending Olive branches. Chilee, I'm single!

I was going to wait till I could see who was reassuring who after JM's birthday to see who was in the 'wrong' know what I mean? Like who is putting in more effort to let us know they are a thing?

After their March/May shenanigans that was JK with the thirst traps and shit on Weverse, which brought JM around and he started opening up taking initiatives of his own like in the Dynamite MV reaction VLive.

Afterwards it all seemed pretty mutual to me and they were vibing. Jikook was a Vibe. Sigh.

THE PHOTOSHOOT SAGA

Now I know some people assert they don't see the 'tensions' in that behind the scenes photoshoot but we would have to agree to disagree on that because I saw that as tension between Jikook as I explained in my last post.

Jk walked right past and around Jimin without a word- chileee. JM was 'extroverted' with everyone but Jk- chilee chileee. This is weird as fuck. Lmho.

Prior to this shoot I had my eyes on Tae, RM Jk due to the Twitter war that I felt was going on between them in the days leading up to the concert. If they had anything to do with JK not posting on JM's birthday it was gonna leave trails.

Jk loves everyone but fuck with his relationship with his man and you're- poor Namjoon. Lol.

I refrained from discussing the photoshoot video or conceptualizing a theory around it because for the love of me I couldn't tell who was mad at who in that footage.

They all seemed equally mad to me. Jk had his usual don't fuck with my man mood on with that glare he gave RM causing RM to back away from JM and that attitude he gave Jin right after- which I have already speculated on in my last post.

The stare down contest between him and JM was equally nerve wracking and reminded me of that interview stare down contest between Jikook around Manila.

And I know I mentioned the 'elite' squad backing up Jimin in that moment. Chilee, I was too tired to explain that term because I had been writing for a whole day nonstop but that is the term I give to RM, Hobi, Jin as the hyungs/ elders who enable JM's shenanigans most often in the group.

JK usually pans them down when he and JM are going at it.

I feel Tae, JK, Suga are the ones that stay on JM's neck and calls his bull the most out of all the boys- Y'all don't wanna know what I call them. Lol. Perhaps, I should call them Silver? Chilee, girl don stayed my neck, put the fear of Moses in me! Lol

It felt as if, whatever the problem was, they both had an interest at stake in that moment in my opinion and they were battling it out. Besides, 5 days had gone by and for the love of me I had no idea why that mood was still persisting especially if it had anything to do with Jimin's birthday.

But I understand JM had been away with his family after the concert and had spent his birthday with his family so perhaps they couldn't resolve things within that time period. And JK it seemed had also thrown himself into work from what he said on his YouTube Live, filming and directing and shit- good for him. JM's wedding suit won't buy itself. Lol

So now the Jikook Solo lives.

JIKOOK SOLO LIVES

Now y'all know I was waiting for this one. I told y'all I was waiting to see how BTS interacted with the VApp post Soop. Y'all know my conspiracy theory on this- the whole Jikook were banned from using it, JK was banned after his last VLive in June last year and how JM was banned in March this year after JK intercepted Jin's call and asked him on a date and said the whole I love you kithes thingy- they are trouble.

Then I talked about how JK had been trying to rebel in retaliation, the whole team up with Tae to expose BigHit on Weverse after their live.

I don't think much has changed in that regard. He still didn't do his Live on the VApp and through out his YouTube live he kept hinting at how BigHit had sabotaged his passion- he claimed he had lost his passion for GCF( at least that's how I took it) and that GCF felt more like work than something he did out of passion.

He threw jabs here and there at BigHit complaining about how he didn't even know how to do them Live logs anymore because it had been a while he did them- the lies Jeon Jungkook ne spilling! You was on a live with RM not too long ago what do you mean it's been long! *smirk.

Jimin did the same thing too but in a more subtle way I feel. He kept saying how he didn't know his way around the app, how the staff had set it up for him and JK said the same thing-but more aggressively. Lol.

It seems JK was just going to turn on the Live, keep it business and yeet himself out of there- just like people want him to do(to be professional and not expose his relationship- chileee, JK is that too much to ask? Sigh.

JK is really passive aggressive like the Silver Squad- see what I did there? Lol. Tae and Suga have taught him well. It's that control thingy, I feel. He hates it. He hates when he is controlled by anyone- except Jimin apparently.

He really enjoys and wants the freedom to do what he wants- rather dead than cool. Chilee! It's how he was raised I believe. He is a very independent free spirited individual, I keep saying.

All that, "it's awkward' 'it's been awhile I did this' yea he ain't slick. *smirk.

Another interesting thing I noticed is how both him and JM tried to keep the other's name out of their mouths- well Jimin tried. Dude couldn't help himself bless him.

I just think they have been cautioned to keep a really low profile on the app especially in regards to how they use the app, what they share on the app- no eye fucking, no weird tensions staring into eachother's souls, no I love you's in the background and certainly NO BONERS!

All in all, my impression of those two Lives was that- Jimin had baited BigHit when he posted that 'see you soon on VApp.' In my opinion.

I think he did that to force BigHit's hands. Jk did the same with his 'I can't do live logs on my own now' statement.

Jimin had put BigHit in a tight corner when he read that 'I miss Jungkook' comment. And the way he kept it pushing afterwards- the next day BigHit was like, y'all this is Simba. Hair slicked back and all. Take him. Lol.

I keep saying the one thing BigHit is scared of is a scandal. They really don't want people asking certain questions that's going to make them look bad especially towards their artists- in my opinion. BigHit please it's my opinion. Let the records show. Lol.

And as I keep saying, BTS and even Jikook have a way of weaponizing their social media Influence against BigHit- that nearly 9 million viewers Jimin read out on his VLive certainly gave BigHit a push to call out JK. Lol.

Personally, I was curious as I said earlier as to how that VLive was going to be live. Whether it was going to be monitored heavily like their lives were after the March 30th incident.

I was curious to see if he would appear on YouTube or VApp. As it stands, it seems whatever ban was placed on JM from having Solo Lives on the App has been lifted

And it seems he was fighting for his man too in the most kumbaya way possible- Jimin! Lolololol. He is hilarious. Bless him

I just hope JK doesn't call in on JM's future VLives again to ask him on a date- again cos damn that would chaotic. Lol.

It's crazy to me how people still look at JK and ask if he loves JM at all- damn if he isn't carrying their relationship on his back!

It seems for now he still isn't allowed a solo VLive on the App and from the Way he kept saying he couldn't do a log alone it seems he is pushing to have that freedom to have a VLive with JM again- I don't know. I might be delulu. Lol

As to whether JK was the wrong party for not posting on JM's birthday I still don't know. Would have to observe their interactions a bit more.

So far from their lives the only one who was making efforts to feed us was Jimin with the whole 10/13 Mickey Mouse thingy which we all know is reference to Jikook.

If my hypothesis is right, JM would be coming out here with heart eyes, clinging to JK, making all the efforts while JK has the mood he had during the On era again- acting like he not whipped but he whipped- bless him.

Sigh.

All that being said, this is just my opinion. I'm just sharing my thoughts and observations. I am not calling anyone to action. I am not instructing anyone on what to do with my opinion, to hate on BigHit, or any of the members mentioned in here.

If you are not an adult, and can't reason like an adult do not sit at the adult table. Immaturity is not a bar to freedom of expression.

CONCLUSION

When it comes to Jikook, I always feel JK has put in so much effort into his relationship with Jimin to squander all that effort over something as silly as a birthday post.

Jikook have both worked through a lot, come a long way in their love journey to let petty issues undo all the efforts they've both put into eachother.

If JM's birthday is an issue for JM, JK would have made it right by now. All it takes it one simple post to fix it. And he has taken much bolder steps in the past to chicken out now.

And if Jimin is the one holding JK then- dude better prepare another Paris trip to placate his man because JK about to pout him to death. Lol.

As I said I have a feeling things are good between them now. I just want to see more of their interactions.

Keep supporting Jikook.

Signed,

GOLDY

#jikook #jikook analysis #kookmin analysis #jikooktheories #kookmintheories #kookmin #jikook scenarios #jikook is real #goldy blogs #goldy theories #goldy analysis #nightswithkookmin #support Jikook #goldy #bts Jimin #bts Jungkook #bts ships

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inkykeiji · 3 years

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Heya! Not a new follower but I never really had the courage to send anything thru your askbox (: i just wanted to say that i really love your works and love the age gaps! Reason why im saying this is bc of one ask i saw and also bc my bf is seven years older than me and literally everyone we know gives us tons of shit for it. Last week he broke down abd told me we should break up bc he doesn't want me to go thru all that bullshit for him. I'm gonna be 21 in late december and he turned 28 in early September and one of my now ex friends sent him a card saying "happy bday old geezer go fuck someone your own age". We'd been together long distance ever since I was 19 and this year he finally managed to move in my town. When we were long distance it was easier to deal w these comments but now that we can't even go out bc we'll bump into someone we know is fuckin awful. Is our relationship really not okay? I have my fair share of traumatic experiences and his family situation is actually pretty similar to Touya (he introduced me to bnha bc he really connected with dabi and before that shouto for slightly diff reasons) but like, idk my therapist says she doesn't think my traumas are influencing me to be w someone older (i cant explain it any better bc it would ve too personal) but yea I'm just so fucking scared and worried and even though your works are helping both of us it's still so hard some days. If we break up I'd rather it be bc we just don't click anymore, not bc someone doesn't like that he's seven years older than me. What do you think? Are we really doing the wrong thing by being together? Is he a bad person for bejng with me when i was 19? Weve always been fully aware of our age difference and didn't just jump in the relatiinship, we rlly talked about it cuz we know we shouldn't fall back on ppl who have too much going on to help us and for us to help them if that makes sense so why is it so bad? Sorry for this long depresing ask i just dont know where else to say it without feeling judged..

hello anon <33

first off, i want to begin by saying that i'm super happy to hear that you can find comfort in my work; that means so very much to me <3

oh gosh anon babie i am so sorry this is causing you both so much stress and anguish!! i have a lot to say so please bear with me, my response will be long!!

first of all, in my opinion, as long as your relationship is healthy and you both are happy, then it is absolutely NONE of anyone else's business. you're both adults. you both took the time to seriously think this out and made an informed decision. no two relationships are alike; they're all unique and they all depend on the participants in the relationship, you know? age gaps aren't always inherently BAD. they can be, but almost anything 'can be' bad (ie too much coffee can be bad for you, too much time spent online can be bad for you, etc.). circumstances and nuances and all of those little details matter A LOT, and they will vary greatly from relationship to relationship depending on a variety of factors. i think that there are so many people in our contemporary world that so desperately wish that moral matters such as these were easily definable and neatly categorized to fit into these tiny little boxes of GOOD and BAD when in reality morality is so extremely grey.

for example, the relationship between, let’s say, a 21 year old student and her 28 year old teaching assistant, or a relationship between a 21 year old worker and her 28 year old supervisor would have a more substantial power imbalance than the more simple imbalance in your own relationship which, based on the information you've given me, seems to ONLY pertain to the age difference. now, those examples i gave above don't automatically make those relationships BAD, it just means that there is a bigger potential for misuse of that power, etc etc. my point here being that there are SEVERAL factors that would influence an abusive or toxic misuse of that power, not always solely the age difference itself. does that make sense?

i think that card your ex friend sent him is incredibly tasteless. once again, your relationship is absolutely none of their business. also, if you've discussed this with your therapist and they don't think that it's harming either of you, i think that's a good sign!

i think it's also important to keep in mind that everyone will have different opinions on this situation, just as everyone has their very own set of morals and opinions and beliefs. everyone will have different feelings and 'truths' towards it. but your opinion doesn't have to align with theirs. YOU know your relationship best. YOU know what is true for your specific relationship and what isn't. just because one person doesn't agree with your relationship or thinks it is somehow 'wrong' doesn't mean it IS. there are plenty of people who think the content i create is 'wrong', and their opinions are fine and valid, and they're allowed to have them. i, however, 100% disagree with them, for several reasons. and that's okay, we can agree to disagree, and move on with our lives.

i think what i'm really trying to say is: COULD an age gap contribute to some sort of misdoing (ie abuse) in a relationship? sure. does it ALWAYS? no, not at all. COULD a relationship with no age gap experience the exact same misdoings? YES, absolutely. there's so much more that goes into an unhealthy/bad/toxic relationship; so many other factors, you know? an age gap is just one of those things that COULD *potentially* be a singular factor, but is in no means and by no way ALWAYS a factor, or is this ALWAYS the case.

i totally get what you mean when you say you’d rather you break up because you don’t mesh well, NOT because of what others think of your relationship, and i agree!! i think it’s super sweet that he’s so considerate and is worried about what you might go through due to the judgemental people you’re surrounded by, but if you think he is worth the suffering, then tell him so! to answer your final questions: no, i do not think it’s wrong for the two of you to be together: this is a consensual relationship between two adults. i most definitely do not think he is a bad person; what would make him a ‘bad’ person are his INTENTIONS. if he got with you at the age of 19 with the INTENT to use the power imbalance an age gap may sometimes present to HIS advantage, he’d be doing the wrong thing. if he was manipulating you and using your inexperience or naiveness against you, he would be doing the wrong thing. do you see where this is going? his intention matters a lot more than the seven year age gap, in my personal opinion.

at the end of the day, it's your decision, and your morals, and your relationship. i can only offer you my opinions here, but you in no way have to agree with them, you know? it isn't my place (or anyone else's!!) to tell you whether or not your relationship is 'bad'. that's up for the two of you to decide. ultimately, i can only give you my thoughts based on the information you’ve given me; i don’t know either of you or your relationship, but YOU DO!! work together to make an informed decision based on the unique details of YOUR relationship, and try not to care what others think. there will always people who disagree with you, no matter what you’re doing, no matter how good you’re striving to be, and honestly that’s their problem, not yours. what matters is that YOU know the truth.

i hope this all makes sense anon, and i hope it helps a little <3 these are my personal thoughts on the issue!

#tw age gap #just in case <3 #but anyway sweetpea i hope this makes sense!!!#ultimately no one can tell you what to do except for you #we can all just offer our opinions on the situation #i wish luck and health and happiness to the both of you <3 #also thank you for your other message last night!!! it was so so so sweet <3 i will cherish your words forever!! <33 #please stay safe and drink your water bb <33 sending u so much love!!!#inky.bb #clari gets mail

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everything-mormons-hate · 4 years

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I'm not a Mormon but there are Mormons trying to recruit around my campus - do you have any tips on interacting with them? How did you become an exmo?

Hi!! Honestly the best tip I have for interacting with them is don't. The next best thing though is really just turn them down but give them a foot in the door at all because they will do everything they can to get in if you do really just flat out ignoring then or turning them down is your best bet. Don't agree to any meetings, don't take any book of Mormons, or any cards or anything, don't let them get any of your information (your name, your address, your phone number, etc), don't try and argue with them or point out the flaws in their logic.

As to how I became an exmo. I was raised in a super hardcore Mormon family but I never really believed as a child I always thought I would just magically believe one day when I got older and as I got older that kept not happening and so I really just did everything I could to convince myself and the people around me I believed. Around October-November of 2016 (I was a freshman in high school) I realized I was gay and that was really the beginning of my faith crisis. At the time I identified with Bisexual and I told myself that if I ended up with a woman I'd leave the church and if I ended up with a man I'd probably stay but i was more uneasy with the homophobia in the church. By the end of Freshman year I identified as a lesbian and mentally cut all ties with the church and knew I didn't believe anymore that being said I still thought it was a good religion just wasn't for me and that was my mindset until about December 2017 to January 2018. Around then I had started questioning my gender identity and realized I wasn't cis along with starting to talk to more Exmormons and learn more about the true history behind the church and started diving more into my past as well and stuff I had buried really deep down to try and forget about. These things led to me becoming more outspoken online and to some trusted friends about the church as I learned more about my life. Over the next two and a half years I became friends with more exmos and realized more and more just how fucked up the church was and how traumatized I was from being raised Mormon, sometime in late 2018 I created this blog and I spent until about July 2020 trying to appear like a good Mormon to my family while being actively outspoken about the church at school and online and with friends. All of which leads to now, my records haven't been removed yet and all of my family thinks I'm still mormon. I've moved out and don't attend church anymore (I'm using covid as an excuse for inability to show up to stuff) (granted even if I was Mormon I still wouldn't go to stuff because of covid but yeah) I plan on removing my records one day and want nothing to do with the church anymore. Being removed from the church nearly completely for 56 days now I'm honestly less angry then I used to be and kind of just want to move on in my life. I don't agree with the church at all I believe it's a cult and shouldn't exist but yeah that's kinda the story of how I became an exmo and more specifically how I got to where I am in life.

#exmormon #exmo #exlds #lds #mormon #apostake #excult #cult survivor #story #ask #anon #former mormon #ex christian #ex cult member

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sunshineseung · 3 years

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tw // anxiety, depression

I'm sorry for bringing this here, it's okay if you will not read or answer this. I just want to vent out and talk to someone.. I'm sorry.

These days, I feel so lost, unmotivated.. everything negative. I don't feel nice things anymore to the point that I'm questioning myself everytime that I'm smiling.. like am I really happy? or I'm just trying to laugh and smile to prove to everyone that I'm okay?

Everything affects me. Everytime I hear negative words, I always feel a pain that runs through my spine then my whole body. I will then ask myself and start questioning everything that I'm doing as well as my existence. Honestly? I feel so unwanted. I feel like it's a mistake that I'm here because I don't have any purpose and based on what my mom's saying, I'm nothing but heavy object for everyone. I don't have the looks, brain, body, nor talents that I can be proud of. I can do some things but I'm never good at them, and even if I try, I don't see any progress even after years.

Last night when I prayed to God, I think I became the most sinful human ever. I questioned him and I even used sarcasm, thanking him for creating a trash like me. But I don't know.. can I blame myself? Everything's not fine even if I pretend. I don't feel energy nor inspirations to continue. Even the groups that I stan or ult doesn't help me anymore. I can't focus on my worksheets and I rarely can't understand things plus my temper is really short. I always get mad over small things.. even noise from the kids playing outside, people talking, objects moving, everything. I can't explain everything but I really feel so down :(

I'm trying to give signs to my friends but none of them messaged me. I'm there whenever they need me, but where are they when I'm the one who needs help. I saved many people from trying to take their own lives, but who will save me if I'm the one who will do that? Who will remember me if I vanish suddenly? Who will get curious where I am if I suddenly stopped using my social media accounts?

I'm sorry again for bringing my problems here, you're the only person I'm comfortable to share this with, I'm really really sorry.

- 🐿️

Don’t be sorry about sharing this. You’re so brave for sending this to anyone, let alone me. I wish I could give you a hug rn

I felt the same way a few years ago, around December 2017. I’m not gonna give reasons, but that date is significant for a lot of people. Anyway, I just want you to know that I promise, PROMISE that there is someone out there that loves you, and it’s not these kpop idols and it’s not whoever online and it’s not even me. Your friends love you. If your family is shit, your friends love you. They might not show it, but I promise, your absence will be earth shattering for them. You have to reach out and talk to someone, even just one of your closest friends. They’ll be able to help. Talking to people in your life is the first step to healing. Don’t feel bad for not helping yourself right away. Small progress is still progress, even if you don’t notice it until years down the road. Sometimes short moments of happiness or laughter is what someone needs. Not every emotion has to be permanent. If you smile or laugh or crack a joke, it isn’t fake or hiding something. It’s momentary joy, and while it doesn’t last forever, it’s moments like that you should cherish in the present. Most importantly, please remember that you are not alone in feeling this. You shouldn’t compare your mentality to others, but know that millions of other people around the world are going through exactly what you are, and although it might feel isolating, you’re deserving of life, I’m sure of it. If you feel like you don’t have a purpose yet, you will. You don’t have to have everything figured out right now, and with all of these overwhelming feelings, no one expects you to. Please just stay alive for us. I hope you find peace within yourself one day.

“Cry out loud once. Look at the mirror & shake it off. I’ve cried like that before & others will have times like that too. Cheer up, you’re not alone.” - Kim Jonghyun

#🐿 anon #asks

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agrypnia-ghosts · 3 years

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reaching out

over this past week i've been trying to find someone new who understands. it's been depressing. i hate when i get like this. everything i say falls on deaf ears. i'm so lucky for nilly, who has learned through our time together how to speak to me, and for whose endless patience and devotion i am forever grateful. i felt desperate last night, chasing some need for reassurance, needing to know that he was truly moved by my love, and felt its heat and goodness. everyone i've loved before him has left me. there was joseph, then jason, then kris. all gone now. they were different than nilly, much more broken. that's how we always met, through brokenness and isolation. of course, i've met countless broken people, but there was something *strange* about the way they each talked, especially jason. it always felt like stumbling into a fellow ghost, or alien, who had learned to speak to those around him, but never felt able to use his native tongue. it's taken me a long time to learn that skill.

i'm not very good at it, but for short periods, so long as they are not online, i can play the game. i can be witty, charismatic, outgoing, and playful, and not feel overwhelmed by the existential horror of knowing that none of these strangers are even on the same plane of understanding and no matter how hard i beg, they never will be. i could have saved them. i keep thinking that. i still have contacts for each of them, but kris disappeared long ago, even though he said he would return this december. last time i spoke to joseph, a year ago, he was drowning in a new internship. jason was spending his days immersed in mindless video games and shitposting. kris was... i don't know. he's never been okay. each time though, i felt that brush with spirit, rawness, love. ah, jason and kris loved me, i know. but they didn't know how to love someone who acted as a mirror to their shadow. if i had met them now, i know it would be different. i would give anything to try again. i think in january i am going to message jason. i don't have much hope, but maybe we can start over as friends. i don't think about him as much anymore, but lately i can't shake his presence in my mind. i'm looking everywhere i can to find some sign of life, all the while knowing that if only he would let us speak, we could find solace in each other, and our story doesn't have to end here.

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twelvehumss · 4 years

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“Maybe in this way, I can finally forget about you.”

Seat #12, C8-A Room 305, Caloocan Campus

December 8, 2020; Tuesday

Hoy Crush,

I just want to share that while I was writing this, I wanted to go back to the past to accurately capture everything I was feeling. But I don’t want to and I don’t need to go back, because I can still remember vaguely the bittersweet emotions you let me feel, your hesitant smiles and barking laugh that won’t leave my mind. I just want to say….., no, I don’t want to say that I’m still hopelessly in love with you.

Let's start from the top, from the first year of high school when I fell for you.

First-year I got to know you, you were only my seatmate. We were both quiet, anti-social I guess, and honor students. You and I were neck to neck in the runner-ups. I dreaded talking to you or exchanging our notebooks for seatworks. I could never look at my right nor at the windows because I never wanted to lock eyes with you. People fall because of the sincerity displayed through the eyes. Ironic because I've avoided looking at your eyes, yet there I was, falling for you.

Second-year was when I'm horribly conscious of my growing feelings for you. Both of us grew comfortable with our classmates, you turned out to be very noisy. You and I level-upped, now we're talking through the screens. It started with me being your “assignment notebook,” you would chat with me every night to ask what assignments we have to accomplish. I didn't mind because you and I get to talk right? The idea of you using me was far from my mind at that time. A couple of times, I did mind though, and I would try to cut you off; but somehow I always go back to talking to you, reporting the assignments due tomorrow. Speechfest practices were also a thing, when I would beg and beg my parents to take me to practice, I told them because I was “needed.” I knew practices during the weekends were useless, yet I tolerated my parents’ wrath because I wanted to see you during the weekends. It caused me a lot of pain and stress because I knew I wasn't acting my real self and I also hurt other important people in my life for you. I stopped eating rice during dinner because I was aware that you don’t like fat girls. I was shaping myself to be the girl that you like and I suffered a lot. Midway through the year, I forcefully shut off my feelings, believing in the lie that I talked to you every day was because I wanted to be your friend, not because I like you.

Third-year was when things got rockier. I continued adamantly shutting off my heart and emotions. I was scared of falling deeper, scared of losing myself, scared of hurting other people because of my selfishness. I stopped caring about my image and how I would look to you, personality-wise. I changed a lot in the third year. I forcefully opened myself to what I thought was the real me. I got rid of all the fake characteristics that I adopted before. Ironically yet again, the third year was the year I had the most fun with you, the year I fell for you even more, unconsciously, with no turning back. There is a saying which I know of, "the more you hate, the more you love." It was similar to my own experience of "the more you suppress your feelings, the more the feelings will grow." I should have realized my mistake back then but I remained stubborn about being apathetic.

Fourth-year was kind of like a goodbye because you were leaving for another school. I was happy and sad at the same time. I was happy because I knew then that I would be free of love the moment you leave for another school. I was also sad because classes wouldn't be the same without you. If you left for another school, our connection would be lost, talking would be difficult. But this year was also the year when we both conveniently stopped being seatmates, stopped talking collectively. Because of that, slowly I opened my heart. You and I had fewer interactions that year that's why I allowed myself to be more carefree. One more year and I didn't have to act stiff around you. Although I tried talking to you online on some occasions because you looked tired and was always sleeping during the break. If I really cared for you, I should have known you were going through some things. And I should have tried to help you.

Fifth-year came and I was buoyant that I'm finally free. It felt like I was given freedom, released from a cage, or broke through my plastic phase. I can be silly when I want to be, I can volunteer to dance or act for plays that I used to decline, basically everything that I wanted to do but didn't when you were still here, I did. I didn't do those activities for the last four years because I was embarrassed of you seeing this side of me, I wanted to seem cool. I was scared that you'll tease me and say hurtful things to me. I was afraid of rejection even though I know you will never like me. I was finally happy and free for the longest time, enjoying my real self, and taking care of the mess that I am. Yet, even though you were not beside me anymore, I still wonder about you and I still think about you. I missed our afternoon classes where we would joke about useless things, days where loud afternoons are heard from every corner of the school. So, in a moment of weakness, I chatted with you, asked how you were. Dumbest move I’ve ever done, to be honest, I should have cut the thread while it rotted.

Let’s go downhill from here, how I realized this love was comforting and killing me, in the softest, most agonizing way.

I did so many clownish things that I want to bury myself in the ground. If I were to write all the things I did for you, I would last here for a month. I destroyed myself for the last four almost five years because I like you. I’m stupid when it comes to love and you, and I hated myself for a long time because of that. I hate love because I don't want to feel uncomfortable, stiff, or restricted. I hate feeling flustered and embarrassed, I felt all of that with you. So I did the only logical thing I knew back then, which was to shut off my emotions and heart. I've erased so much of you from my memories. I've erased your favorite color, favorite movie and how you look like. I've erased the most fun memory I had with you. I erased what your singing voice sounded like, your pet peeves, and your dreams. I erased every piece of information that I worked hard to collect from you. I was afraid that if I remember anything that is you, I would lose control and I would go back to step one. I literally locked myself into oblivion, believing love was indifference, didn’t I? Maybe I didn’t know you very well, or I don’t know you now. Most of your archives in those four years, I’ve erased and deleted. Yet, I can’t help but feel that you’re always kind and warm, like early rays of dawn enveloping me, leaving me to crave for cold and indifference.

One thing I can remember is how you voiced my name. It was that one time I tried recalling what your voice sounded like, and your voice wafted through my mind saying my name. Frustrating enough as it is, that memory stuck by me and I never erased it.

I want to say I hate your laugh. I swear that every time I hear it, I fall in love all over again. Your laugh is the loudest, most boisterous sound I’ve ever heard, yet it had the ability to wake my numb heart. It made me jump out of my skin because seriously, who laughs like thunder? But it’s a nice sound, I looked forward to hearing it every day, eventually becoming a daily drug. Especially when I was the one who caused you to laugh, it was the most rewarding thing ever.

Fruits that grew on trees, eventually fall and rot. Sometimes, I hate myself for having a crush that I intentionally make myself disgusted. I would make my indifference towards you a hundred times stronger than before, ultimately leading to a loss of appetite and motivation. I feel really disgusted that it feels like I never showered. If I ever lowered my guard down and daydreamed about you, I would mentally abuse myself. I manipulated my mind to think that I hated you, you are a bad apple in my tree. Part of my weight loss was also because of you, I was always remembering encounters with you that I want badly to be deleted, I lost my appetite on some nights. At some point during my fourth year, when you and I stopped talking, I tricked myself into believing I moved on. And I believed that ever since. Such a fucking joke isn't it, because one year later you still remained stuck in my thoughts. On the good side, I wasn't that afraid of love one year before because you and I enrolled in different schools. That's why I tried talking to you on multiple occasions after you left, purely wanting to know if you're okay, each of them was horribly forced and embarrassing. So I didn't dare try to talk to you again. One reason why I talked to you again, was because I wanted to hold on to what we used to be. I should have, should have known that you would change. Not going to lie though, I still waited for any news or response about you.

If you want to know how much I've damaged myself, know that I'm disgusted at writing this letter of open love, recounting my memories of you that were locked up in the dark, a stranger trying to describe my own feelings. I'm disgusted at the way I look now, at the scars on my face and the weight I gained because I imagined talking to you when writing this letter. My physical features are so far from what your ideal girl looks like, one of the reasons why it was hard to write it in the first place. Four years of being apathetic when it comes to romance make it hard to write also when my dream of being an author to accurately capture feelings is also a needed aspect of being one. I still can't bring myself to eat rice during dinner or just eat a lot on some occasions. Even while writing this, I feel myself wanting to revert to old habits.

I'm just going to say it here that I miss you and I want to talk to you again. But I'm really afraid of meeting up in person, terrified of falling deeper. I never want to see you again, never want to be in the same place as you. I’ve hurt myself so much these past years, I'm not a masochist to want to feel pain again. I don't want to be seen by you, I just want to hide. I know I'm just an insignificant person in your life, but you were freaking big in mine. All those years before that I thought I was moving on, I'm just starting to get over you now.

Wala kang kasalanan dito, akin ‘to lahat, kasalanan kong duwag ako at tinago ko ang mga pakiramdang dapat hinayaan ko na lang. None of this was ever your fault, and I never blamed any of it on you. You were innocent in my mess, and I’d like to protect the remaining sunshine you still have. There are still so many things I wanted to talk about, so many things I wanted to show you. I'm saying goodbye right here because I can't take any more damage.

In truth really, I had fun talking to you, I had fun in the last few years. I'm thankful that you opened up to me, thankful that you didn't push me away.

I wish things could've been different, I wish I had the courage to apologize for my mess. Please forget about me.

>>>>>>>> natsukashii <<<<<<<<

#CreativeNonficton #Autobiography

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