#i've also been trying to trick my brain into saying fuck it let's just write self indulgent shit head empty

[hadesdancehall]

happy wip monday bc i can't wait for wednesday

my mom brought miss rona home from a coworker after i posted the first ch of @lemon-wedges phantom au which brought everything to a halt where instead i was watching yt clips of cdrama palace intrigue. did numerous mini drafts on paper of something i thought i'd use but then decided to use later on (how did this grow from two to four planned chapters aaaaa) so now we're going in a completely new direction

also after a bit of back and forth with myself i made the Very Important Decision of having barok at a pub

[strwberri-milk]

ok, so I've thinking of something, but I am not creative enough, and I'm not gatekeeping my genius idea.

would you take advantage of my idea? 😽 please 🙏

so, jealous kaeya x puppy fem reader + "what? cat caught your tongue?", "brats don't get to cum", "beg for it, let me know you deserve it", "you're mine and I'm yours, got it?"

like, reader has been teasing him all day and BOOM

btw, I love your writing, keep it going

this is kinda similar to my other set of hcs of kaeya coming back after a hard day and fucking the shit out of his puppygirl lover uwu so feel free to look for that under the kaeya smut tag/kaeya x reader (im still scared to put links in my posts)

You were being a brat, and brats deserve to get punished. Kaeya knows for sure that you know what you're doing with the way you look up at him after doing something "bad" or the impish grin you give him after pushing his buttons.

Due to how busy he was right now, Kaeya wasn't able to properly tell you off the way he wanted to. Instead, he's forced to just sit back and bear it, eye watching you closely as you flit about and continue to tease him. Not only that, but he had to watch you flaunt yourself for everybody else at the headquarters could see. He was proud of the way they looked back at him with envy, but he also wanted to keep you all to himself, something becoming increasingly more difficult as you continued to talk to whoever pulled your attention.

His eye trails the lines of your body, knowing you chose what you were wearing today to purposefully fluster him. Instead of him getting worked up in the softer way you might have been planning to. You were just thinking of making him give you a bit more affection, shower you in soft kisses and just be very sweet. Since he wasn't, you decided to up the ante by coming down to headquarters to get him to give you more attention again, even if i meant tricking some of the other knights into giving you the attention that Kaeya wasn't able to yet.

That very innocent desire was unable to be fulfilled thanks to Kaeya perverting it. He couldn't get over the swell of your lips, the thought of holding your hips in his hands, the need to pull your body under his. Everything you did was pushing him further and further off the edge.

You had just finished spending the last hour sitting in his lap, cuddling into his neck as your tail languidly made its home on his waist. He liked the gentle pressure of it pressing against his stomach, but the heat of your core was beginning to make his head spin. There was no way for you to get your punishment right now, but he was concocting several plans to get back at you. You give him a kiss goodbye, ignoring the evil glint in his expression as you leave his office.

Your hands are buried in the sheets, Kaeya's fingers holding them tightly as his hips piston into you over and over again. He's done more than enough to melt your brain, currently sucking more dark marks into your neck and collar. Thankfully for you, his pace slowed to a grind, letting your walls clench over him as you give him your pathetic little whines.

"What? Cat got your tongue? You're so quiet now," he muses against your neck, reveling in the soft moan you give him when he shifts a bit.

"Come on, where'd all that spunk go, huh? Where was that energy when you had every knight drooling over how good you looked today?" he taunts a little further, laughing just a little evilly when your grip tightens on him in response.

You were dripping all over his thighs, unable to cum thanks to his incredibly inconsistent and patient self. He could feel your thighs spasming a little around his hips, knees trying to lock together to force him into fucking you to completion but failing miserably.

"You want to cum, don't you?" Your ears perk up at the thought, whimpering softly as your tail smacks the bed lightly.

"I told you you can't cum unless you begged me, and you haven't done enough of that yet," he says mildly condescendingly, sitting back up to admire your ruined body underneath him.

"Please," you say meekly, the light jangling of the collar Kaeya made you wear louder than your voice.

"I can't hear you," he sings slightly, bringing a hand down so he can use the pad of his thumb to rub at your clit.

The reaction is immediate. You let out a pathetic sounding yip, whimpering and melting into the sheets as his dick starts to bring you back up to the high you were almost able to achieve earlier. Your back arches high, practically shoving your tits in his face as he starts to fuck you earnestly again.

"You're fucking mine, you got it?" he growls, leaning over your body as you pant.

"You're mine, and only mine. I'm the only one who gets to hear these noises, the only one who gets to fuck you like this. Nobody else is allowed to touch you, you hear me?"

You nod quickly, using your newly freed hand to scratch angry lines down his back.

"Yours, I'm - mn - yours!" you cry out, trying to implore him to let you cum.

"Please let me cum! I want to cum on your cock so bad, please, please, Kaeya I'm yours, and you're mine! You're the only one who can make me feel this good, please just let me cum!"

Your begging finally does it for him and Kaeya quickly pulls out to flip you on all fours. Your body aches to be fucked like this, sharply yelping when he slides back into you by way of pulling your hips over his cock via your tail. The tight grip he has on both your hips and tail makes you scream, squirting all over the bed from the constant edging he had just subjected you to.

Kaeya can feel your juices soaking him even further, creamy hole dripping down his shaft to line his balls. All of it makes his eyes role into the back of his head as he finally cums deep inside of you. However, he refuses to stop there, continuing to fuck you over and over and over again until your body refuses to forget the shape of his cock.

[reviviscencegruiform]

All of this to bring up another point. "Is there anything remarkable or interesting about you".

I've not been shy about talking about what it is I do on here, but those things do not catch your eye. The algorithm is insidious and dedicated to the negative. You can't think of one single solitary thing I've done at all? You've had a year and seven whole days to dedicate your special little self to watching me do and say things.

Things like:

Open an orphanage.

Develop not one, but two anti-psychotics. One geared toward effecting someone who's got one of the highest tolerances a still breathing human can have, but also treatment resistant issues that require tricking his brain into letting medication sneak in a back door.

Reunite with Molly who I've had a developing complex relationship with and who's been very open about what exactly I've done for her.

Open and run a Halloween event that was a combination fair and haunted house. Complete with animatronics.

Take my boss on a luxury vacation.

Celebrate my first real Christmas.

Develop several relationships with new people.

Publicly explore my very complex relationship with Jervis and learn to express myself in new ways because of it.

Yes, talk about Mlms. In high detail and at length multiple times and speak on other scams.

Discuss writing at length and produce several short scrumps of writing for the entertainment of anyone willing to click it.

Review several books.

Try new food.

And other things, but this is getting tedious.

My point is that because I'm not laying ruin to the city my life and it's complexities aren't interesting to you and after a certain point nothing I would do would be interesting to you. We'd reach a gnarly plateau. There'd be an extreme I can't reach. A shark I can't jump. I'd just fucking run out of ideas of ways to jingle keys in your face, you fucking toddler.

You can only kick so many babies until it's just something you do. Only so much candy to steal until you're just that guy. I don't want to be that and I'm certainly not going to do it for you.

Want someone more "interesting" go find them then find the next and the next. You'll never be satisfied. You've lost the ability to enjoy anything meaningfully.

[bloogers-boogers]

Kyle Brofloski/Eric Cartman (SP fic) part 5

('In love with my hatred')

/What exactly are we?/

Kyle goes through old memories between his younger self and his 'buddy'.

Slight warning ⚠️ this is a very disturbing fluffed caramelized deranged fic, kinda, not really. Just watch yourself when you press 'read more'.

Author's note: I've been so— sleep deprived guys sorry I'd I've been lacking, I'm gonna be out for a couple of days so my chaps are either gonna be short, rushed or a little delayed than usual 😭

I also want to mention that I appreciate the support I'm receiving! @liabilit-e I'm still considering on posting it on AO3 but Idk if it's just me but everytime I try loading the page it gets all laggy and slow so it's kinda not something I'm thrilled about, but still, thanks for the support! 💓 @myst1calx I think I've bother you enough but I appreciate the offer! I'll try searching for solutions but if I don't, Ik where to go, tnks;)

~~~~~~

Kyle couldn't get a bit of sleep, tossing everything aside from his desk to his floor, books flying everywhere papers spreading across the room as he slammed the table with both his fist, externally wanting to not be heard but hoping internally someone could hear him, understand him.

Frustration streamed in his veins, glassy eyes that began to sting feeling a boiling sensation in his feet; that becomes too annoying to ignore needing to move them left, right, on top of the other, bottom again, move move move until you start feeling your legs numb themselves having to force moving them aswell, arching his upper back releasing unwanted stress, the tension on his neck worsening as his growing headache resurfaced.

It was like a damn fever everytime he found himself wide awake until four in the morning, drinking coffee to make himself not dose off. Now he finds himself so use to the routine his brain makes him stay awake until it's 'time for bed' even if he doesn't drink coffee and actually attempts to sleep early.

How can you procrastinate while trying to sleep? Doing shit your brain makes you think you should do just in case you forget tomorrow.

'Write that down, Kyle' 'why didn't I think about this before, I should write it now before it gets even more late!' 'If I do this now, I won't worry tomorrow' tomorrow, tomorrow, 'tomorrow' ironically being morning, and initially the new day.

Technically being 'tomorrow', technically tricking himself going in to some ongoing messy loop.

Contemplating himself in his reflection against his laptop, he couldn't help it. Work was stressful as it is, and now having Cartman up his ass with messages asking 'wym by 'boyfriend', jew?' He hated not knowing what to respond, in all honesty, why the fuck did he even say that? Why let Kenny's teasing get him so bad? It wasn't even as bad as Cartman's taunting.

And kissing Cartman infront of the whole school? Words spread like fire, his parents heard of it from Scotch's who heard from Marsh who had heard it from Jimbo who was told from Donovan! And so on so on!

This was getting outta hand, and he didn't know why he even let himself be put in a situation he wasn't even sure he could even say regretted of.

He grabbed his laptop slamming it shut as he went downstairs going in to the garage; grabbing a hammer and heading outside in the now snowing weather, the sun was about to rise now claiming for a new day to begin.

He threw his laptop hard in the ground beneath him 'thump', slamming with force the first hit with the hammer 'thwack!' 'thwack!' Shesst' 'thwack!' 'thwack!' Hit by hit getting more aggravated, taking all his frustrations, concerns and thoughts aways.

'Why did I commit to this!?'

'Why do I care so much of what others think!'

'Why do I feel like I'm gonna mess it up somehow!'

'Why commit to something you're not sure you'll end up finishing!'

'It was too much work, so much time consuming, so much of his soul, sweat and tears put in months, weeks, days of work and he knew damn well he'll still make the effort to continue doing it'

'Risking his health both physically and mentally for a dumb grading'

'Exposing himself being in 'love' with a fat psychotic fuck, either have his heart broken or be disappointed for any outcome awaiting for him'

'He wasn't sure he could even say he loved him, but fuck he couldn't deny his attraction'

'Even if things went south, he promise himself HE would be the one to break up with Cartman, never reverse! If it isn't him saying 'goodbye' than Cartman will sit his ass down and wait!'

'If someone's deserving of another heart break it's Eric Cartman!'

He panted heavily as cold sweat drained his face, halting seeing his mad 'creation', a man walking his dog passing by the sidewalk eyeing him weirdly before continuing his pace. He sighed as he let go of the hammer; falling to the ground, sinking deeply in the snow.

He swiped some sweat off his forehead 'good thing he had all his work saved in the cloud'. And thanked God he didn't burn his paperwork.

Feeling a buzz in his pockets, he took it out and responded:

'Mornin' to u, fatboy'

°°°°

"It's okay bubbie, we don't judge you for your awful taste," his mother reassured in a soothing voice squeezing his cheeks with both her hands making him pout, "Besides there's nothing wrong with being gay, we support it, we support you," with a loud 'muack' staining his left cheek with some of her red lip gloss.

"Ofcourse, however we would judge you immensely if you're the woman in the relationship," Gerald added as he fixes some issue on the tv, Ike nodded in agreement as he passed a screwdriver to his dad.

"Gerald!," Sheila screamed, sending him a scowl.

"What?"

"It's true, ma, if someone deserves to take it up the ass, it's Eric. He's a piece of shit and has teased Kyle for being a 'no good jew' for years," Ike commented before passing some duck tape.

"WHAT WHAT WHAT!? language mister! That's your future brother in law you're now talking about," Her mother attempted defending him but he noticed how she glance upwards contemplating it aswell.

"Yikes," Ike shuddered by the thought and realization.

That's all he could recall of how his family reacted to the news, now walking to school as he avoided the bus and Cartman all together. It was funny that the other day it was the complete opposite. He wanted to be close to Cartman, see him, talk to him and now, he wants to avoid even glancing at him.

So he thought.

Cartman was his 'boyfriend' everyone would expect for he to act like one, probably even Cartman himself.

He scratched under his hat, trying his best to ease his nerves.

Third period in and no sign of Cartman, 'the fuck did fatass go?' He thought, bouncing his leg anxiously focusing hard in to paying attention in class, but his eyes couldn't help but glance at the empty seat behind him.

"Kyle! Stop being a complete gaywad cause your little boyfriend went missing for a day ¡and pay attention!," Garrison screamed annoyed, making Kyle snap back at the board, some of his classmates snickered and whisper.

Stan glanced at him but he avoided looking back at him.

At lunch he texted Cartman asking him why he didn't bother going to school, but received no response in return.

He found that odd, maybe even second guessing if Cartman was actually taking in this new 'thing' going on between them any better. 'What if fatass was just as evasive with the subject as he was trying to do?'

He hesitated, as he munched on his food oblivious of the stares he's getting.

Dashing to his locker he went through his stuff and got a small key hidden behind some old markers; he should definitely throw away but didn't. He headed back to class as he waited for school to end straight up heading some old abandoned building they use to hide out as kids. Becoming the new 'freedom pals' headquarters, 'base' or whatever. He was the 'chosen one' for key keeping; mostly preventing Cartman to find it and scratch up all their things in spite, he was the only villain who was out to get them.

He opened the big metallic door with a 'creak' as it opened slowly, the hide out was never use nowadays and he hoped no hobos had crashed it by now, he honestly didn't care as long as he didn't encounter one at that moment. Right now that he needed something. He remembered having hidden it right in this base, away from Cartman, as it was the only place he was sure Cartman wouldn't grab it and use it as leverage against him.

He remembers how stoked he was to have found a small compartment underneath the floor, and how secretive he was deciding to hog his discovery for himself. Under a big rug he managed to peel it off dust spreading across the room, coughing heavily as he cringed by the bugs and mold that came out from it.

Moldy, greasy gross pictures spread in the compartment as a wet smell came out.

He went through all those pictures, memories flooding his head as he gather them up, shoving some old toys aside as he finally brought to his chest the red box he's been looking for.

Closing behind the metallic door as he went out and walked back home, now dark as he finally arrived.

He entered his room, locked his door as he approached his messy desk. Carefully placing the box there.

He wouldn't dare admit it, fuck, he probably could never. But countless times of him and Stan taunting Cartman over his diary was one of their favorite things to tease him for, cause it was 'funny' 'cringe' 'girly', etc, so the fact he did the unthinkable.

Funny enough, he made sure to consider his own a 'journal' than a diary, nonetheless it's still similar to one. It had everything he's written from age 7 to 9, it wasn't too big neither was he constant with it but it was definitely personal, and after that he never actually found himself writing shit down, he had other hobbies he was more interested of and honestly, wasn't his thing.

He admired the crappie scribbles with crayons and markers cover, all now full of mold, smudges and peeling edges. Still, in his eyes, it was beautiful. He remembered how proud he was to have finished it, and how each page was filled with passion and sincerity. To the good days, to the sad days, angry, stressed, nervous, anxious, spiteful, envious, sorrow, regret, it was a whole ride.

It was a stress reliever for sure, and somehow he understood why Cartman was so into it. But he really couldn't help but to NOT put that much effort in it. He recalls various times just not feeling himself to fill a page, no energy or just didn't care, but he pushed himself forward onto atleast writing two paragraphs. Cause if he stopped a day, it'll make him delay his enthusiasm making him forget the whole thing after skipping a few.

He opened his first page and he chuckled.

'NOT' in red for emphasis, 'a diaRy'.

Everything was blank besides the black and red ink.

He flipped the next page,

March 1, 2019

'Dear future self,

Today I've decided to write down and for each passing day until my last page, about my daily things or whatever.

To be honest I'm not sure, but I'll give it a try.'

The instruction page was simple yet explanatory, he flipped a couple of pages cause some he'd recognized; either boring or some about his procrastination trying to peek up again and force himself to atleast write he ate some cereal that day.

Halting in one peculiar page not far from those other ones, the edges were covered in pink crayon making it noticeable of being 'personal' to 'super personal'.

March 23, 2019

'Things went overboard with skank hunt (cartman) we had to put an end to it, it was hard, neither did I or Stan wanted to do it. But they did, they ended Cartman, he just couldn't stop no matter how many times they warned him.

That fake act he was putting wasn't fooling anyone, it was painlessly ridiculous how pathetic he looked thinking he'd convince us.

Still, the guilt eats me alive.

Is this what it's called betrayal? Certainly. Did Cartman deserve it? Definitely.

So why do I care so much about that fat piece of shit?

Why does my heart ache thinking about what they did?'

March 23, 2019

'If anyone could hear me, if I could tell myself to not do it, if I could back track time I would go immediately. We were wrong, we took Cartman down for no reason.

It wasn't him, it's silently breaking my mind right now.

I feel like my heart broke in pieces after that revelation, I don't know for sure why. But fuck, I screwed up.

I feel like the dirt and ground I'm steeping in would fall beneath me, falling straight to an abyss.

Looking at Cartman was like a punch in the gut a wound being spread in to my chest as a knife poke out from inside. Being stabbed.

If I could've listened to him, if I believed him...

Pain, a aching sensation spreading in my body, the wound sting. It burned.

And I can't find myself forgiving myself anytime soon.

I cried today.'

He couldn't help himself but to pace a finger gently on to that page, remembering vividly those memories spread back in his mind, feeling immensely what he had felt those past times.

Reconnecting to his younger self.

He flipped through two pages already knowing the rest.

March 25, 2019

'Heidi Turner, a girl I just found out will be willingly capable of dating fatass.

I still can't believe it, it's impossible to grasp upon it. Who would want to date Cartman? In what world would that be possible? Clearly in this one.

Fuck, the images resurface my mind everytime I shut my eyes, Cartman holding Heidi's hand, him making some gay ass necklace for her, smiling wide to her. Beaming as he was the most happiest boy alive as if they didn't broke his shit not long ago.

My stomach revolts by the thought, by the damn memory. I feel nauseous even writing it down, right now I feel grossed out. I want to vomit-

All over Cartman, that piece of shit is asking for it, this is all his fault. Like usual.

I have other worries to deal with, why does fatass always does something to keep me off track of what's important?

Fuck him, and fuck this shitty skank hunt situation.

And fuck girls! Fuck them all!

Butters is right they don't need to try to fix the girls shit by degrading themselves, they needed to show them that they had enough and they've tried, but now they're standing up for themselves for what's right. Cause they're going overboard with their bitch attitude.

So I'm sticking to it.'

Flicking some further pages he 'tsk'.

April 19, 2019

'Do I like Heidi Turner?

Or is it because she's Cartman's girlfriend? She deserves better than to date a asshole, he is only gonna cause her pain.

I've thought I just wanted to prevent a tragedy, save her the damage he'll cause her eventually. But maybe the girls are right? Maybe I am kinda interested in her. She's cute and seems smart, the type of girl anyone could fall interested, no?

Cartman isn't happy with her, he bitches about her all the time. She doesn't deserve that.

He doesn't deserve to be that miserable either, technically, he is helping a friend out, right?

It's not like that relationship is going anywhere, Cartman should just dump that poor girl already.

I feel pity, but I also understand if it was easy to be manipulated from that douchbag. No one can understand Cartman the way I do, no one can see through his lies, posture, gestures, words even see the mischievous glint in his eyes everytime he thinks he could trick him.

I hope she now realizes it isn't a easy deal, kisses and praises won't change Cartman, I doubt anything will. But still, Heidi seems too naive to realize, considering the girls aren't really trying to put an end to her relationship with Cartman, I thought it'd be a good idea to intervene.

But maybe I was wrong? I didn't expect to develop some sorta crush on Heidi, now that I think about it, I don't.. really feel anything but sympathy for her.

But if the girls think that I may be attracted to her maybe they see something I just can't see yet.

Maybe I do like Heidi.'

He unintentionally shook his head, grasping the idiocy of his own denial mind.

April 23, 2019

'I 'fought' Cartman today, kinda. It was just a tiny punch in the face that knocked him out cold.

He was being a douche, couldn't just move on from Heidi. Just couldn't let go because maybe spite? Or maybe he just likes being able to degrade someone who he knew will still be stuck on to his bullshit with 'no' choice but to deal with. Someone who'll indulge him, praise him and naively expecting him to change. Even though they were being manipulated by him that very instant.

Still, I MAY feel a little bad.. for doing what I did.

It's more of a certainty to show what it REALLY is to be in a healthy relationship, and to make sure no one fell again into Cartman's manipulative lies.

Someone has to teach him a lesson, someone has to put that fat bastard in his place. Someone has to make him realize it's not worth chasing after a girl that isn't doing anything wrong but like him back. Someone he truly just doesn't like and just uses to pin his shit on to them, dragging them with him. Turning them in him.

It's like Cartman was self destroying himself even more as that relationship continued to build, and planned to just take Heidi with him as it falls down.

Cartman wasn't happy, he was bummed all the time, and his energy just seemed drained. I find it quite annoying, mostly when he bashes about it and saying it's because of Heidi yet he showed no mean on dumping her anytime soon.

Good to know he didn't have to, making it easy for him to just move on!

Pretty much she handed him a way out and he shoved it up his ass. Typical Cartman, can't let something go if it doesn't end his way, childishly whining and making a fit as it didn't go as planned.

Claiming he no longer wanted to deal with Heidi but now begged to have her back, that he 'needed' her to be happy when he fucking wasn't.

What class of miserable logic was that?

Oh, I am now also dating Heidi Turner.'

April 25, 2019

'My first date with Heidi was unexplainable, it didn't last at all. She ended things off the moment I was immediately ready to take her out for a nice evening.

I'm disappointed, I tried, I really did, but I underestimated Cartman's commitment and stubbornness.

She was too far lost in Cartman's lies, he isn't gonna stop her now. She chose this path might aswell stick with it.

I already had gotten in to it too much, I was even warned and I didn’t listen, now I’m paying the consequences for it.

I've gotten my heartbroken two times and my hopes have been dragged enough, I'm not gonna follow in to this mess any longer; just listen to my friends on doing nothing and let it be.

If they want to willingly destroy each other, I won't care, it's not my problem anymore.

He'll realize eventually how bad it is to continue tagging along something he's forcing himself to be stuck with, instead of just using his common senses and rationalize his choices.

Even though it'll probably take awhile for he to do so, probably even get his balls kicked while trying to pathetically deny that his 'happiness' relied on only some girl.

Fuck Cartman.'

November 26, 2019

‘Cartman recently got broken up, now it seems to be legitimate. It also seems he had no plans on trying to pursue her any longer, he seems to have gotten over it very quickly even looked relieved.

I could probably say that fat fuck learned his lesson.

Things have been getting normal lately, the usual, but I figured I should just put a end to this chapter as I can now say for sure Cartman had also put it to end.’

He continually flipped page after page, reading through other small memories to heartwarming one of his friends or family. Stopping in to another peculiar but fond one.

December 2, 2019

Things like these are not meant to be forgotten, I must write this down engraving the essence of it, barely baring the possibility of it even happening

I just.. unbelievable, it’s fucking unbelievable.

Might as well shoot me in the head cause my eyes and ears just witnessed something mythologic. Something surreal that shouldn’t had happened but has somewhat craved seeing.

Generosity, from no other but from Cartman.

Me being proud of the fatass would be a underestimate, I can't described in exact words how I felt at that moment but I'll try describing it as best as I can.

Today was typically leveraging, having to be put up with the adults of town do something absolutely bizarre (stupid), we had to deal with Randy so we were targeted separately as being 'trouble', we as children were being pinned the blame on, than to the actual culprit.

It pissed them off ofcourse but it wasn't no surprise for them that Randy had use that excuse for his own dismay.

Somehow Stan managed to get us out from the cell we were put in, so it wasn't also a surprise for us to finish off the hell fire Randy Marsh had spread.

Apparently they needed something of great value to stop the gigantic robot that destroyed buildings in a dramatic 'godzilla' manner. People screamed in terror as they ran until they felt they were capable of going to. And well us four were confused, we weren't like at a place to go back home and get something valuable. We were stuck and in a middle of a crisis.

At the moment we were gonna give up and surrender as we had nothing, Cartman spoke up saying 'I do' and took it out from his pocket while grumbling under his breath unheard words as he gave the scientist (who was helping us) a small golden ring he previously had bragged about to me and the gang 'ha-hahaha! I got gold and you don't! Hahaha-ha! You cant steal this from me Kahl I'll have it on me 24/7 you sneaky little rat!' In his annoying mockingly manner and his dumb little dance as he sang it in tune.

We were all left bewildered, I know by how I had glanced to the guys to see if what I saw was real, and their surprised expression confirmed it.

Cartman gave his most precious ring to save south park out of his own will and heart.

I thought it was some type of charade or something with double gain but it seemed he didn't planned on doing anything at the end of it, just leaving home and cursing us out for being 'lame'.

It was so dreamy seeing him do that, he looked amazing doing something good for once, adorably innocent, I think he noticed it wasn't 'normal' of his character so he covered it up with a 'I'm doing it for Stan cause I know deep down he still cares for his dumbass dad,' But even that left me in 'awe'.

Fucking unbelievable.'

He continued flipping through pages realizing it wasn't so far off for him to start developing a sorta thing for fatass. He looked at a scribbled down page from the top, the writing was place on the bottom as if he was rethinking his words and overly stressed about it as he had ripped down some previously pages before writing on this one.

He realized this was already in the period of the covid crisis.

August 22, 2020

'Today was worrisome, Stan was acting differently (stress) motivated on wanting to help Butters build a bear during our school lockdown.

Ofcourse that just lead problems and various kids die (including kenny) in the process as we had convinced everyone to help out, we weren't supposed to escape neither ran off in the neighborhood.

Hiding from the police as we broke in the build a bear shop, Stan desperately attempting to build a bear while we tried reasoning with him that it was impossible without an adult's help, while surrounded by police officers outside.

And then there was Cartman AGAIN leaving us bewildered as he gave up the pangolin pitying Stan, again, for Stan.

It was starting to be a sorta thing of his to be doing small acts of good being 'Stan' influenced, it was starting to bug me.

I told Stan off on the phone before bed; what was up with him and Cartman but he was left confused and I hanged up before he could say anything.

The fuck with those two?'

He flipped through those pages smiling incredulous realizing how dumb he was to not see his own jealous arising.

September 10, 2020

'I told Cartman off his bullshit but it's like he didn't get me at all, that piece of shit.

I had told him in a way that didn't expose my skepticism without ridiculing myself but also in a way that he'll understand instantly.

'What? Are you gonna go do something about it for your boyfriend?' I had told him.

We were discussing about continuing on heading downtown and hang out or follow through whatever Randy had gotten in to revolving his weed business as he had called pleading Stan to help him with something while we were already on the way.

Stan groaned annoyed hanging up pinching the bridge of his nose contemplating on doing his dad's request or not, Cartman chimed in shrugging it off saying 'maybe if we take a cab and go to the fist seven eleven we see; grab the cheapest lighter there is and just swoop in, give your dad the lighter. Probably expecting it to last a minute-' he kept blabbering some type of vengeful scheme while Stan grunted shoving his hands inside his pockets.

'I dunno man, I'm really tired of Mr. Marsh issues rubbing on us,' Kenny told the four expecting for us to continue the first plan we had in mind.

'Yeah, but if Stan-' Cartman tried speaking for Stan, and when I mean TRY, I meant I interrupted him.

'What? Are you gonna do something about it for your boyfriend?'

I saw how Cartman acted as if he didn't know what I meant, arching those thin brows of his and squinting his glinting eyes in 'confusion'.

It pissed me off some more.

But Stan intervene claiming he really didn't want to get involved in his dad's shit today so we left it there.

Was it too much? No. I think. I'm just tired of this dumb act of Cartman's but I'm also tired of Randy's charades like Kenny had stated, it's just too much.

And what's up with Stan not saying anything about it? Like, he's just shrugging off that Cartman has openly stated most of the time being 'him' the reason he does nice things.

That's not normal, I wouldn't just shrug it off if I we're Stan.

I.. I'm not sure exactly what would I do if it were ME he'd do those nice things for, but I know I wouldn't ignore it. I'd probably ask for an explanation or something, fuck, maybe even see his limits, push him through exposing those good layers in him, analyzing his every movements, gestures, words, see if I could captivate some lie or genuine act.

Fuck, I wish I were Stan.'

Flipping through more pages, he recalled many other questionable moments between him and Cartman but this one stole the take.

July 9, 2022

'It was a blissful and snowy day, and Cartman couldn't stop nagging about me not getting him a birthday present.

In reality, I didn't give him a present cause I really didn't know what to give him (he isn't really easy to please when it comes from me.) So I justified myself saying he didn't deserve it and 'why would I want to give anything to someone who's a egocentric selfish piece of shit?', which isn't entirely untrue either.

In all honesty I was already getting tired of Cartman's nagging so I decided to go to Walmart and purchase some pizza rolls and call it even.

But, I just couldn't help myself but to eye a nice ceramic shiny white tea set that was placed in display. I remembered how Cartman has always had a thing for that type of stuff, he loves tea and also loves to do tea parties (which was very embarrassing) but nonetheless was something I knew he liked and I just remembered how Cartman still kept his old tea set in use, he was probably not capable on just buying a new one.

That was the perfect damn present, okay? I didn't have a choice.

It wasn't too much of me to go into a competition of pottery crazy lovers and compete for some limited edition tea set made from some old japanese master they idolized as some god, just for Cartman.

Okay, I may had done a little too much effort, but I was determined on not losing against a bunch of geeks, alright? NOT just Cartman.

I limped tirelessly twoards Cartman's door step with a tea set in hands, knocked clumsy trying to not fall in the ground by my wobbly legs.

And just shoved it in Cartman's arms as he opened the door with pj's on, declaring it was already late at night when I had finished that whole ordeal.

'You better not break it fatass.'

And I left, hoping Cartman would stop complaining of my absent present once and for all.'

He smiled knowingly he did. Tracing with his finger a couple of scribbles down at the end edge were he remembered he tried venting out his feelings with out actually really ripping off the page he wrote just cause he was angrily embarrassed to admit how much he WANTED to get that tea set for Cartman.

How he knew it'll make him happy. How he'll love it.

And worse part of it all, he was right. Cartman loved it and he really didn't know what to feel everytime they'd go to his house and he’d see the set place in his table, so neatly place it looked intentional.

Prev

[safyresky]

Do you ever intend to write more about the eleven months of Jack community service (before the start of Crystal Springs)? While reading the new version of the chapters on Ao3, this line grabbed my attention: "Letter time with Santa was drool, but he found that those were the best times to mend bridges with Santa, and eventually, Carol." I'm intrigued about how their relationship evolved from hostility to friendship

Oh my god, I absolutely LOVE this question! I've never really thought about it tbh, but it would make a good smile shot or two, wouldn't it?

I've been rotating this question around my brain all evening, and figure this is as good a place as any to share some surface thoughts on how their relationship evolved in those 11 months leading up to Crystal Springs:

Scott did NOT warm up fast at ALL. He only agreed to give Jack another chance BECAUSE Mother Nature and Bernard were like no, this isn't a trick, it's legit, dude

January was HARD

Jack reported for duty right away, offered to help all over the place

First day in Jack gets them both cocoas. Santa does NOT drink his because who KNOWS what Jack did to it

(Nothing)

Anyway, January, bad, Jack is like doing as MUCH as he can to help where he can and Scott is just watching like a HAWK, man is NOT taking any chances with Jack this time around, no sir

But Jack doesn't do anything bad? He's a little silly, kind of an ass still, but the Workshop, surprisingly, doesn't implode

He is actually helping in some places. Scott's wildin. He's like there's no fucking way. He's being this earnest? Fr? He's not plotting or scheming or causing shenanigans?

Bernard's like look dude, I don't wanna say I told you so but...¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Carol I think warms up to Jack first! She eventually convinces Scott to lay off a bit, he's had AMPLE time to DO something but hasn't, has just been helping out like they sentenced him to do

And, y'know, it seems like he's really actually trying to make up for what happened!

She's seen plenty of students in her time who pull themselves up by their bootstraps like this, and I'm sure she makes a Charlie comparison to soften Scott up a bit

Scott relents a LITTLE bit. Only a bit.

I think in February he notices how Jack's literally going all over the place, and finally one day he's like HOW are you doling this all. WHERE is the energy coming from. WHAT the actual fuck

And Jack shrugs like it's the right thing to do! And I have energy for days, it's fine

And Scott's like okay. Okay maybe stop spreading yourself so thin? Let's narrow things down. Stuff you hate? You don't have to do it

Queue Jack being like thank GOD because let me tell you toy making? JUST NO. Splinters? Slivers? And these undersized tools? STRONG PASS

A bad joke is made and Santa actually laughs

Jack's like oh! That was a laugh! I got you to laugh!

And Scott's like it was low hanging fruit, it was bad and that's why I laughed, this means NOTHING

And Jack's like, sure, sure, I'll soften you up Claus, just you wait! Cocoacinno?

He does, actually, drink this bevvy. He is pleasantly surprised when Jack doesn't actually do anything to it, and even more surprised that he finds it quite tasty--the man can make a drink.

February turns into March, and by then Jack's kinda found his stride and Scott's let him do some things with him, a bit for him to keep a close watch on him, and a bit bc he finds himself appreciating the company

It's kind of nice to have an. ACQUAINTANCE. That isn't an elf.

That's how letter time starts; Santa sits and reads and responds to letters, and Jack joins him and just kinda. Yap yap yap yap YAPS. Dude can CHAT. And it's not completely annoying! He's got crazy good stories, knows a lot of dirt about the OTHER Legends, and is always very nice to Carol and Buddy

He also sometimes has some very good things to add to the letters when Santa's coming up empty

"See? He's helping," Carol says, for the umpteenth time, and Scott's like "Yeah, yeah, yeah."

He's been around for a hot minute, too, and Scott finds himself enthralled sometimes with Jack's stories of ancient cultures he was around for--especially Rome!

Again, surface thoughts! I imagine it was gradual, and took some time, and took a lot of other people warming up to him first before Scott was like okay. Okay cool. I can trust this guy now! There's some other things I think that helped, too. I think he was v good with Baby Buddy as he got more towards the toddler end of the spectrum! And I think he had some like, heart of gold kind of moments too!

It's very VAGUE tbh! I just know for sure it was gradual, and took time, and a whole lot of patience and I'm sure blowing off some steam via snowstorms every so often too, lol.

I think I answered the question! sorry for the word vomit, apparently I am incapable of being succinct and too the point 🙃🙃🙃🙃

Here's a funny little excerpt from the CS notes that I imagine happened some time during Letter Time, to illustrate how I think letter time helped (like 4 o'clock coffee with my aunts! They stop, have coffee with each other and just chat and shoot the shit and I always learn so many new things about them every time I'm at one!)

When I wrote this spur of the moment funny, it was a) because of this vine and B) post Crystal Springs, hence the Jacqueline mention (mother fucker just cannot STAY OUT OF A CONVO WHEN SHE IS NOT THERE. She plagues me), and C) deffs a DM to someone based on the slahses instead of actual italics lmao.

Word barf aside, this is how I imagine letter time went for the most part: Scott doing his thang, Jack chattering away! It's probably why buddy knows so many words at just under a year old :P

ANYWAY. SNIPPET:

[ID in ALT]

[argylemikewheeler]

please share your thoughts about jancy, king !! i for one would love to hear them

OKAY so there are many avenues here. We have the realistic one and then the one that i'm just trying to write so i'm going to pretend it's canon so maybe my brain will get tricked and write it. Either way I don't think steve and nancy are going to get back together. they can't writing nancy cheating on her current boyfriend because she's on a different Squad while they're fighting bad guys again. like come on guys don't fucking do that. also the bit about time staying stuck in 1983.... their year together etc etc. So with that in mind, let's go:

Realistic: I think that 1. nancy and steve might kiss and be like... oh that doesn't feel right at all oh my god I'm so sorry. No no no no. And it becomes this little secret that's funny and never talked about in the show ever again and it's just. forgotten lol or 2. steve tells nancy how much she really shattered his heart so he CAN'T go through with anything if she thinks she still loves jonathan (and of course she does, so nothing happens) and they're just best friends. or 3. jonathan and nancy reunite and have that huge BOILING fight they've been needing to have and it's super cathartic for them because they're alive and so much matters and doesn't matter and they just want the other to be HAPPY!!!! and maybe that means taking a break for a little bit so there is no pressure with college choices, or maybe it means making a bigger effort to visit back and forth!! idk but i do think that they're going to stay together and steve is going to have his heartbroken again, just a bit. OR he'll protect it, but it'll still hurt.

OKAY NOW THE FUN SHIT: honestly, i would LOVE to see 1. (the most crazy) polyamory. give us the monster-hunting dating trio we deserve. but other than that JOKE that we'll never see bc cowardice 2. i'd love to see nancy help steve realize he's queer askljdakds like she's talking out how she feels about jonathan while they're doing a stakeout or something and steve's like.... "no that's not right. that's just a best friend nancy, how do you really feel about him? because i've felt that way about my friends-- you remember Anthony from the basketball team, right?? yeah!! same thing!! that's just buddy shit" and nancy's like.... "oh steve.... oh my god steve...." and then she's like "okaaaaay so you're having a moment and resorting to comfortable relationships. and i'm going through something and seeking comfort close by!! let's both just NOT go there... and let's get you in a conversation with robin STAT...."

either way i really think that jonathan and nancy love each other in a way that is so fundamental and so honest. like, the entire reason things are so complicated is because neither wants to hurt the other person or do something to disappoint them, so they're in this static state of non-communication. it's super shitty (and makes steve look "better" by comparison because he's there and it's easier to just say things to him), but the silence/stiffness comes from a very deep fear of messing things up with the person they love very much... (also look at their relationship role models. not to say that joyce and/or karen won't LISTEN to their problems/give advice but are they going to them and/or do they think their parents can even help them.... AH so complicated i love it)

[risingsouls]

🦎 + and for fun, what are you most loathed headcanons throughout the DBZ fandom ( bonus points for LoZ, too! )

🦎 for a Ramble || Always Accepting!

[I'll try to think of one for both. The trick is finding something that isn't the dumb shit canon did and are actually headcanons the fandom seems to have latched on to.

It's bad because all my brain can come up with is that I disagree with the pervasive narrative that Vegeta is a sub/bottom, mostly because some art i would rather never see again was suggested to me. 🤣🤣 I guess I struggle with this because most of my frustrations come from canon and fans touting every canon decision as absolute top tier greatness when it's garbagio at best. I also don't actually interact with a lot of fan made stuff tbh. The most I get is face.book's obsession with suggesting DB fan pages with their absolute trash takes. And I'm finding this is even harder with DB because the writers are so into fan pandering and taking shit the fandom has latched onto and pushing it in canon. So hm...

Alright. I'm going to channel @unboundpower here for a second and go with this (and she probably influenced it if I'm real because I never really considered it before interacting with her), but I hate how it seems a lot of people assume and write the fusions as just like...Vegeta's/Goku's replacement and with very cut and dry personality traits from both. Like yes, to a degree, you have to. They're a fusion of these two characters. But that's bland and boring. I like a more nuanced approach that treats them like their own being with their own personalities--influenced by their creators than just cut and pasting them exactly might be a way to put it--ambtions, and lives rather than just being a Goku and/or Vegeta clone. If that makes sense. Like this one is probably very fine line and hard to explain, but if you want a better idea, hit up Nebula's blog and you'll understand what I mean. She does soooo good with the boys and it's fantastic.

On that note, I'll add that, when it comes to the fusions, most of the fan content I see puts them into a relationship with Bulma after they fused permanently. Like not only is it fucked up because ChiChi was basically widowed as well, but it also goes back to what I was talking about in the fusions shouldn't just be Goku or Vegeta's replacement, and I like it WAY better when they're treated as their own beings in every facet, including their personal lives and dealing with how their existence effects those Goku and Vegeta had in their lives. It's makes for a more interesting narrative than, "oh well of course he just got back with Bulma and continued his (read Vegeta's) life."

Now for Zelda. Let's seeeee. It's been a hot minute since I've really interacted with that fandom or fan made content so gotta THINK.

Alright. We're gonna get controversial. And this is probably less headcanon than just like...how fans treat things, but I cannot stand when fans ride the black and white, good vs evil thing with the stories of LoZ, especially when it comes to Ganondorf. And, disclaimer, I do contend that I understand why it happens because the story itself does really push that with some probably too subtle wiggle room to play with that. But to be more specific, I LOATHE the idea that Hyrule is blameless for what happens to it. It's not something outright rampant in the fandom, but I know I had a few run ins back in the day that reeked of this sort of "blameless Hyrule" vibe when it's suggested that the shit they've done help cause the strife they go through (also note: this is me barring Demise's curse; I don't care what anyone says, I don't accept it. It's a cop out at best and cheapens the story).

Ganondorf is probably the greatest example of this. The shit he pulls is a result of how Hyrule treats his people. Yes, he definitely takes it too far and loses sight of that goal and is a horrible person for what he did. This isn't Ganondorf apologist hours by any means. But it's not Hyrule apologist hours either, and I hate how it often feels a lot of fans don't grapple with the other side of the coin, ESPECIALLY after WW comes out.

Which brings up another point: WW suggests Hyrule literally just prayed to the gods and waited around for the hero to return rather than trying to deal with Ganondorf's return themselves. Like there was PROBABALY a better fight than that but I don't know. The way Hyrule as a whole is written, it's VERY dependent on its heroes and the monarchy in a lot of games. But where are people calling that out HMMMMM???

Honestly, what that one comes down to is I just like it more when fans engage with the narrative on a deeper level than what's presented. There are arguments to be made that Hyrule isn't the guiltless, helpless victim that often portrayed, and there is often more eto the villains than gets looked into (and the writing doesn't help *side eyes Skyward Sword for that damn curse*).]

[w0lfboikieron]

A Rant About Everything

To preface this; I am 24. I'm a nonbinary trans man. I have been suspected of being neurodivergent since I was a small child and have not been assessed not by choice but because, well, look at what year it is and I turn 25 later in the year, think about what things were like even 10 years ago, let alone 15-17. I was viewed as high-intelligence so I was "gifted" and "special" and "shh we don't need to get that one assessed, that one is ✨high-functioning✨ so that one can't possibly have support needs" (ok I don't think they actually said that but that's how it feels, I hate the words "gifted" and "special" in the context of people calling me those things because it feels like they're saying I'm "smart for a r****d"). Now, I'm putting a read-more bar because this will be a lot; this way, you can hopefully read the tags first if you need to.

I feel like I don't have a good way to move forward. I can't get a job between the fact that applying for jobs feels like trying to arm-wrestle a gorilla more often than not and the fact that most jobs require experience that nowhere is willing to give (I don't have much mostly because of bad luck and financial hardship, I haven't been able to stay in a job for more than a year, also I once literally dissociated from stress and called out while I was on the subway to go in not long after having been screamed at out of the blue while on the job because canvassing for Planned Parenthood is... A very worthy cause that is not for those who cannot handle very high stress for kind of pitiful pay), I theoretically have some income coming every year from my very-recently-inherited share in a family farm that gets rented out but that's in limbo because of a death in the family just before COVID (the cynical part of me wonders if my transphobic aunt is pissed off that I inherited my mother's portion but I don't think my other aunt would let her do anything to force me out, I'll sell eventually more than likely as I intend to move overseas but for now, I need that money), I can't even really find a way to ask my dad for help because every time I try, my voice just locks up and I can't find the words even if I could make a sound to actually tell him and I've written notes before and just feel like I don't know what to even write at this point.

That is already a beast of a probably run-on sentence and I'm going to break it down in about the same order, expanding on each issue. First, the job search and related issues, this one is fourfold;

My brain says "no" and so my focus vanishes like morning mist in summer and/or my body physically refuses to continue doing the task (it's soooooo fun to be trapped in a body that won't fUCKING LISTEN TO ME /s), such as submitting job applications, particularly ones that ask you to upload a resume then ask you to manually input the same information. This issue also applies to other things.

I have severe social anxiety and probably "selective mutism" which is a terribly-named condition because it is not a choice. My vocal cords physically will not move and my brain no longer supplies words to my mouth when I'm too anxious. Combine that with social anxiety (I'm aware it could be a symptom of the social anxiety, I also live in the US so healthcare above "literally physically immediately saving your life" is a privilege and not a right because people have been tricked into thinking that market forces work to regulate the price of necessities in a corrupt and rigged system) and a particular hatred of and anxiety about phone calls and formal settings (I never fucking know if what I'm saying is actually formal enough or if I'm being too much of a kiss-ass) and you get me being effectively unable to do a lot of following up.

The system is rigged to disadvantage those who are not nepotism babies or starting/started at age 15 or whatever the minimum legal age to work is and don't have degrees. For financial and mental health reasons, I do not have a degree. Because my mom thought it would be great for me to join band in HS to "look better to colleges" (I love her, may she rest in peace, she was a product of her time) and I am not a nepotism baby (no offense to those who are and are good people, it's a systemic issue not the fault of those who were given benefits from said system without necessarily asking for them), I do not have the experience jobs want and few if any jobs are willing to hire someone with very little experience, what jobs I have had have been short-lived either by design or because of circumstances far beyond my control such as asshole customers who don't think someone should be given the benefit of the damn doubt and financial issues forcing me to move to another state to live with my dad.

Apparently, I'm fucking nocturnal. I'm not even kidding, my brain reacts the same way to sunlight that most brains react to darkness and vice versa, I sleep far sounder through the day and, as I've flipped my schedule, I've been doing better mentally and physically (not enough to change my whole life but enough that I'm not constantly fighting to stay awake). As a 4'11"-tall nonbinary trans man, I'm not sure a night shift job would be necessarily safe for me, not to mention how hard one would be to get, but I suffer immensely when forced into a diurnal rhythm. I tried it for almost 24 years so I would think that no amount of "good sleep hygiene" would help because I tried everything. Nothing was as effective as just letting my body do its thing.

I'm sure you can see how the lack of funds and the mental health issues create a fucking loop already. And sure, in theory, I have at least a saving grace, a share in a family farm, guaranteed income, right? Well, apparently, when my uncle B passed BEFORE COVID, that caused ✨issues✨ and my aunt J is still working them out, according to my aunt B (I do not talk to aunt J because she's transphobic and her whole branch of my family tree is just... Off, and not in like a mental illness way where I can understand but in a "they might actually be or want to be in a militaristic Christian cult" way where I just hope the younger ones break that cycle). I trust aunt B, she's cool, I love her, I do not trust aunt J.

My mom passed away on December 1st of 2022, I am her only child, she did not have a spouse at the time of her passing, she had no siblings (at least, no full siblings), and while she didn't have a will, that just means I'm the one who inherits by default. Unfortunately, this is all in North Carolina. I currently live a few states up from NC, I flew down to NC to deal with my mom's passing (I actually went in the hopes that I would just be dealing with next-of-kin stuff in the hospital while she recovered but she passed away while I was in the air), and from what I can tell, their online systems are run by corrupt gerbils who use only hamster wheel power to run their shit, with maybe a backup potato battery. It's ridiculous to me that there is no good way to verify next-of-kin for inheritance without mountains of fucking paperwork. Which aunt J isn't handling right now because she's apparently busy with uncle B's death paperwork and his kids' shit. I'll be lucky to get the check by the end of the year I think at this point. I actually decided to fly home before Christmas because I hated being away from family (my family in the state live a 3-hour drive away from where my mom lived and passed away) and am worried about having to go back but go to my family's hometown this time (where my mom lived is a fairly decent city, my family's hometown might actually literally have only one stoplight, maybe two, though I would appreciate going to the chicken place down there, I miss Smithfields).

Oh and speaking of family, my dad. He's awesome, no complaints whatsoever beyond that he weirdly forgets things that he intends to do for me like getting my insurance info since I'm on his insurance and I need to remind him. Which is hard for me because I'm living with him due to financial issues and already feel like I'm a burden, despite knowing he has a well-paying job (he's made comments about being able to start a bidding war for his services, he works in tech and honestly I wouldn't be surprised, he's good at what he does) and cares about me. Plus my issue with speech.

He actually tried to get me a job. But the person who was supposed to contact me ghosted me and I do not have the mental or emotional energy to deal with those kinds of games. I'm trying to work up the courage to tell him how I feel but I don't know how to put it into words when talking to him. I've been staring at the "remind dad about insurance" reminder on my phone that I made after he told me to remind me since the 8th of December, I obviously didn't do it then because 1, I wasn't in the same state as him, 2, I wasn't in a good headspace, 3, I had way too much on my plate for that. Now, it taunts me because how do I go "yeah you know that thing that you asked me to remind you about in a week when we had lunch together on Thanksgiving, I'm reminding you of that now"?

It feels like all my problems are just a big, tangled-up mess and I don't know what to do or where to start. Just laying them all out like this was hard. I do want to make it clear, I am NOT asking for other people to give me money, I'm in a physically safe place with a parent who is actually a really good guy, I'm not someone who needs it as much as others do. I'm just frustrated with the way things work in this shithole of a country.

[lunaekalenda]

Omg can I request a scenario with Levi in season 4? So you know how he's supposed to keep watch over Zeke in the forest? One of the Yeagerists finds out their location and lies to Levi that his wife is giving birth so Levi rushes back to town and leaves the other soldiers in charge of keeping an eye on Zeke. And by the time Levi meets up with his wife, she's very confused as to why he came in such a rush. I've read the manga so I also want to add onto what happens next but idk if you write manga spoilers so 😭 anywho the explosion doesn't end up happening tho! :D

ofccc!!! i hope you like it!! <3 sorry if i wrote to much fluff it just came :’) i took some manga spoilers so read under your own risk under the spoiler line!!

a/n: i didn't took the canon manga words or events!

❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁

❁ levi x female!reader

❁ some bad talking against zeke :’), pregnancy and death.

❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁

Zeke opened another wine bottle and drank, being cautious with the book he has been reading. Levi looks at him, his face totally unexpressive but his eyes look at Zeke with disgust. They have been days in that place, sleeping in tents, near the Forest of Giant Trees. He’s in charge of Zeke, with some of his closest soldiers, who are now drinking some wine in reward for their hard work, even when Levi told them to have some water instead.

“Come on, Captain. We also want to have fun...”

He couldn’t stop his soldiers, they deserved it. He looks to the campfire in font of him, the flames reflected in his grey eyes. He thought about his family, the one he’s about to have. You’re pregnant with his baby, the baby you two wanted for a long time. Armin told him he estimates less than a week for you to give birth.

And he’s trapped in this forest with a fucking bastard. He looks at Zeke. He seems strangely calm, as he wasn’t being watched by humanity’s most strong soldier ever. The one that cut his arms and legs more than once, and was about to kill him at least another two. But he didn’t learn about it, and keeps trying to get killed.

“Levi, you look too serious. Do you want some wine?”

“Drink it yourself and hopefully you’ll choke to death.”

“That’s not very sweet for a married man, Ackerman.” Levi raises an eyebrow, taking his blade out and cleaning it slowly. Zeke looked at the blade, shimmering in the light. He took his eyes to the book once again. Some fast steps were heard. Levi took out his blades and, with a look to his soldiers, they all stood in their positions. A little girl, with the Corps jacket, searched the Captain with her eyes. He looked at her.

“Captain Ackerman, I have news from the District!”

He looked at his soldiers, one of them behind her, in case she tried to hurt the Captain. Levi’s gaze told them to be alert around her. Zeke looked at the girl from behind his book.

“Talk, then.”

“It’s your wife... She’s having complications with the birth. She’s about to have the child, but the possibilities of them both surviving are minimum.”

Levi’s eyes reflected true terror while he was listening to her. He looked back to the bearded man. He keeps reading, while drinking. He looks then to his loyal subordinate.

“You should go, Captain. We’ll have an eye on this man.”

Levi nods. He looks at the girl closely, analyzing her. He talks before taking his horse.

“Keep one eye in this girl too. She seems like a liar.” Right after that, he rode his horse, going as fast as he could. During all the way, he though how you were. How the baby is. If you two are okay. If he's late to save one of you. 

He obligated himself to fix his attention on the way and keeps going, He arrived to the city at almost night. He searched his home, the one the army gave him after getting married, to avoid the Captain and his wife living with them. He opened the door with his hands shaking, and almost run to the living room. He smelled rice. Then, the sound of a knife. He also took out his blades. You both encountered in the corner of the kitchen, your hand holding tightly the knife and his holding the blades. Both of you looked at each other with surprise, before you let go the knife and run towards him. His hands found your waist.

“Levi...” you whisper. You have missed him a lot all this time. He hugged you, his eyes full of tears. He’s trying to relax his breath, but you notice. “Why did you come so fast? Weren’t you watching Zeke?” 

He nods, his hand caressing quietly your belly. 

“It’s the baby okay?” you nod, confused. “And you?”

“Of course, I’m fine. Why?” he sighs before hugging you again. His head buried on you hair, your belly against his worked abdominal. 

“I thought I was late to save you. I thought I lost you and our baby.”

“No, no. Armin came half an hour ago. He told me I’m really healthy and the baby is in a good position to give birth to. We’re both totally fine, but we were missing you.” You pout. His lips found your neck. 

“I also missed you.” His hands cover your belly, and he receives a little kick. You laugh,

“It has been kicking for a while now. It’s the Ackerman gene.” Levi lets out a little laugh. He also knows he has to go back to the camp, to keep watching over Zeke and interrogate the girl who is she and for who does she work. But his soldiers are there, just a minute more. He gets on his knees, near to your baby bump. His hands keep being warm against your covered skin.

“Daddy missed you a lot this days, hm? But we’ll be all together really fast, baby. Don’t make mommy feel bad, yes?”

“I can’t see you as the strongest and fiercer soldier alive if you talk to my belly like that.” He lets out a little laugh, but his brain made “click”. That girl was a Yeagerist. For sure. This was all a trick to make Levi come here and leave his post.

“You have to leave this house. Fast. And don’t go out for a while. They have an eye on you.”

“Were I’m I supposed to sleep then?” You ask, lost and confused. He takes a couple clothes from your wardrobe and put a brown cape on you, covering your head and your bump. “Should I stay with my parents?” you ask. He shakes his head while he keeps searching things you might need. Also, some baby’s clothes, because he’s sure you’re about to give birth.

“No, that’s too obvious.” Levi’s brain was working faster than ever. You need to be in a comfort place, so sleeping in the barricade it’s out. Then, you should be with someone who knows how to help you giving birth. A place where a pregnant woman won’t be found and hurt.

“Historia.” he whispers. “Can you walk fast?”

“Of course.” he took your hand and guided you. You talked to Historia a couple times. You know she’s also pregnant, and protected by some guards. He guides you fast. When you’re in a campsite house, near the town but kinda hidden, he knocks. 

“Were you talking about Queen Historia?” you ask in a whisper. He nods. A soldier opens, without recognizing Levi. His head totally covered by his cape.

“Sorry, this is restricted area. It’s an orphanage...”

“We know that.” Levi takes his cape out of his head. The soldier stands straight and puts his hand in his heart as a salute. You two do the same.

“Tell Historia she’s my wife. They have been rounding around our house, so I hope the Queen can give a favor back and let my wife sleep here until we’re safe.”

The soldier ran up the stairs, to talk to the Queen. He came back faster.”

“The Queen accepts. She’ll be in the best care and, if she gives birth, she’ll be in the hands of the real matrons. Don’t wprry about her, Captain Levi.” He nods before looking at you again. The soldier lefts to give you privacy.

“Be careful. Talk to them if you feel bad or if you need something. And, please, don’t make efforts. The baby it’s near and...”

“Got it, Levi. Don’t worry. I’ll be fine. You should be careful, I don’t want you to get hurt, or worst...”

“I’ll be okay.” he answers. “Just looking to a barbed man. I’ll be back faster than you think.” He takes you again between his arms. You bury your head on his chest, hugging him stronger. 

“I don’t want you to go.” you say in a whisper. He pats your head before giving you a kiss.

“I’ll be right back.” he says. You enter the orphanage with his little smile promising you you’ll be together soon.

-------------------s p o i l e r s  a h e a d -----------------------

Then, he runs back to the camp. Things seem quiet there. Levi hears his soldier’s voices, followed by a scream.

And then the click of a thunder.

All the soldiers he had there were now titans. From different sizes and type, but they had the face of his comrades. And a blonde-haired bastard was running in front.

“This fucking bastard...”

He was surrounded by his now-titans comrades. He had no exit, just killing them. When will this nightmare end? He saw his friends getting killed, he killed friends. He's tired of this macabre game.

“I’m sorry, guys. I’m so sorry...” he thought, before starting to move his blades against his friends’ necks. He saw his faces, his families, every time their blood got into his uniform.

His teary eyes weren’t an obstacle when he kept fighting. He saw Zeke, in the hands of a titan, covered by other two. He killed the first one silently.

Zeke searched him, founding nothing, looking surprised.

He killed the next one. There was just the one carrying Zeke left

“You thought I was not going to be able to kill my comrades? That’s dirty play.” Zeke looked at the man with fear in his eyes before turning into the beast titan. Levi smirked.

“Pathetic.” Zeke says. Levi's blades are covered in blood. "I'm going to kill you."

Zeke took the head of the titan carrying him. He looked around for Levi. A near movement caught his attention, making him throw a smashed titan head to a branch. Levi cut branches to distract Zeke, right before covering his neck with thunder spears.

"Did you think that converting my subordinates into titans will stop me? that i wouldn't kill them? You don't know how many comrades I killed."

Zeke's neck exploded, making is titan fall. Levi went back to the flor and searched Zeke between all that blood and flesh. He was charred.

"I'm not going to kill you... yet."

Levi took Zeke by the head and dragged him.

"I'm so sick of you, barbed bastard."

[equal-shipping]

Why Kaishin Still Holds Up, Even Now.

I FINALLY watched the 23rd Detective Conan and let me tell you what...

Why are there not more episodes with these two working so closely together? Like please?! They got that solved so quickly and just shared information with one another and can I please just have them interact before the series ends pleaaaaaase.

Yet I'm not here for begging. I'm here to rant and cleverly disguise that rant as an essay.

I want to rant about trust in Detective Conan (specifically with a look at Kaishin) and the Enemies turned Rivals turned Friends turned Lovers trope.

[Mild Spoilers Ahead]

Trust as a Driving Force in Detective Conan

If someone asked me what is one of the many driving forces in the DC plot as well as the cornerstone of many of the relationships in DC it would be trust. Most of the characters in DC are living their lives with lies as the foundation of who they present themselves to be.

And here is something that I love about the relationship these two have with one another:

The trust that Shinichi has on Kid was earned and vice versa.

I don't think that Shinichi thinks that Kaito Kid is the most honest person in the world, but he does know that the magician works by a code and he trusts him to not put someone in any immediate danger despite the fact that Kaito Kid does not inherently talk too deep about his heists with him.

Ask yourself this. Where in canon did it say that in Kid's heist nobody gets hurt by Kid? I've read the manga and nowhere does he really say 'this is a safe show for everybody!' Let me tell you where it says it: Nowhere.

So why do we all assume it to be that way? Because even we have trust in our favourite thief that he won't do something to actively hurt someone. Since the story is being told in Shinichi's point of view, most of the times, we can rely on the trust that Shinichi has placed on Kid to not get anyone hurt.

One big example of this would be in the Detective Conan Movie: The Sunflowers of Inferno:

Leaving Ran in Kid's care is a conscious decision he is doing despite the fact that he doesn't know if Kid is even going to make it out. Shinichi loves Ran probably more than he loves himself and he wants her out of danger enough to place trust in someone that, situation wise, has no business whether Ran or Shinichi live or not. I honestly think that even Kid was surprised that Shinichi made that decision.

Now I'm not going to put my shipper goggles when I make this statement and go 'OH MY GOD THEY LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH IT SHOWS IT EVERYWHERE. LOOK AT THE SHOW, STUPID."

But these two have something that not many of the characters in DC have and that is a mutual trust without knowing all the details of their lives.

Kaito happened to guess that Conan was Shinichi and I doubt that Shinichi is going to meet Kuroba Kaito by the end of the series. These two barely know each other but through their interactions just happen to understand each other enough to work together amazingly when thrust into a situation where they have to help each other out.

Which brings me to the second thing I want to talk about.

My Enemy Went From Being My Rival to My Friend to my Lover, What Happens Now?

I want to break into Gosho's house and ask him to please let Kaito Kuroba meet Shinichi Kudou. Like this is such a might need that I'm almost scared of looking forward to the ending of DC because I just have a feeling it isn't going to happen.

I might also ask him why the hell every side character needs a romance subplot but that is neither here nor there.

But now that the ships have been decided and canon has sealed the final nail on everything, I just want to talk about the trope that makes Kaishin just so amazing for me.

If I am remembering my facts right, Magic Kaito came before Detective Conan. Kaito was a realized character, somewhat, and was clearly a very likable chara with a ridiculous high IQ and a secret he couldn't reveal to anybody.

I mean he's a goddamn beautiful man is what I'm trying to say.

When I first read the series I could immediately tell that Aoko was set to be the romantic interest, Gosho really ain't fooling nobody. She seemed cute, extroverted and a girl who seems to really care for Kaito. Of course there was the juicy tidbit of Kaito being the thief her father is hunting down that also kept the relationship interesting.

So I was more than okay with having these two together.

I was already a bit aware of Detective Conan so I was all for the ShinRan as well. The pining, the secrets, the care that Shinichi has for her that transcends the organizations doing!

Also fun fact: Kaito/Aoko was the basis for Shinichi/Ran! Which is why ShinRan is thematically better than Kaito/Aoko but I will not go into that.

So one sad day during quarantine, I decided to rewatch the series to see if I could get any writing inspiration.

Now I don't know if it was quarantine or a change of heart or just me growing up but Gosho's friend trope seemed boring to me the more the episodes continued on. I AM NOT THROWING THE FRIENDSHIP TROPE DOWN, IT IS BEAUTIFUL I STILL SHIP SHINRAN

But I was tired of picking vanilla and wanted to see what else was on the menu.

And as luck would have it, I had decided to watch episode 515: Kaito Kid's Teleportation Magic and fate decides to deliver me a wonderful hit to the heart:

What is it about characters pointing guns at each other that I love so much?

And Shinichi doesn't react like a normal fucking person he just goes:

He knows this man ain't gonna shoot. They have had five interactions before this (if we are going by anime episodes) and through all those interactions Shinichi managed to get to a level of banter with this guy that he hasn't had with any of his other enemies.

If he even considered Kaito Kid an enemy to begin with.

Both Kaito and Shinichi have a mutual respect for each other's skill.

They test each other out in several situations and are pleased when the other figures it out, kinda transitioning their little chases to more of a 'two really smart guys trying to outwit each other' and less of a detective trying to outsmart a thief.

Shinichi enjoys figuring out his magic and Kaito enjoys the challenge of making some of his magic tricks near impossible to figure out. Their friendship is something really special and if they can have it without even knowing the details of each other's life, imagine how strong it would be if they truly met each other face to face.

I don't really want to cross into headcanon territory that would turn them into lovers, lord knows we have more fanfiction to do so, but it is just wonderful to see these two men both living a lie respectively but finding some solace in each other that they can shut their brains off for one second and just...play.

Hell, Kid's heists might be Shinichi's safe place. In those heists he is known as the 'Kid Killer' and not just some brat who happens to figure shit out. His opinion matters in those heists.

And not just to the police, but to Kaito as well.

BUT IM GETTING OFF TOPIC!

I just wanted to show love to this wonderful ship q wq

[thanks-mike-stamford]

Fics that inspire my writing - Part II

This is Part II. Read Part I or Part III

Continuing the discussion, I grouped these fics together for something they have in common: author style! It was actually a bit hard choosing them because they are all written by authors who have a distinct style. Something in them that makes you recognise the author right away, that makes you think - oh yes, definitely is a story from this person. When you have a bunch of stories with the same kind of feel, it's hard to choose one to illustrate my point. Tip is: binge read the authors below!

Part II

I Used to Live Alone Before I Knew You by etothepii Back when there wasn't even s2 yet I was already reading stuff from this author. I absolutely love their fics. This one is super interesting, a Good Omens fusion book version - beyond numerous screaming posts on the internet I'm not really familiar with this universe.

Something I like in all their fics and it's worked beautifully in this one is that there's more than it seems under the surface. The characters are not an open book even to the reader, and the narrator (close Sherlock POV) doesn't give all the information. The narrator sometimes doesn't even explain the information we are given. The facts are presented piece by piece, building the layers of a character, making it clear that even if right now, for this story, it's not relevant, this person is a complex human being (or angel. Or demon) that doesn't exist solely for the purpose of the plot. Two factors help with this: the non-linear narrative, that permits we only know a part of someone when it becomes relevant; and the sort of omniscience of Sherlock. I say sort of because yes, he's a demon and he has access to the core of someone. He's able to fish for stuff that happened in someone's life and how they feel about that as a way to build their vulnerability to sin. However, this is not necessarily mind-reading or future prediction. He makes deductions based on the soul, let's put this way. But because he can't use it to predict exactly what is going to happen, he still gets surprised. Because the characters are layered, they are able to be consistent with what we know and yet unexpected, up until the end.

The combination of giving powers to the narrator and using non-linearity is brilliant, working to enhance the themes behind the plot, which are about the complexity of the human soul. I'm working on a WIP that has similar themes and I try to play with these aspects to make it smooth like this story, instead of a philosophical essay using voices of characters. I've tried the non-linear narrative in a published fic, but it didn't have the same level of success in serving the story. Let's see if it goes better when I try again.

What It Is by toyhto This author has two main things going on in their fics: the type of angst that makes you question yourself, and the type of humour that is not really about trying to make you laugh, it's a very weird type of humour. I love weird stuff.

This fic is not Toyhto's best angsty one or best humourous one, but it's one that creates a good mix of both, like a tragicomedy (but without a tragic ending). You have John not knowing how to feel about Sherlock, and Sherlock gambling possibilities on how to fix the situation. It's the narrative that fascinates me. The story keeps its cards close, the reader is often a bit uncomfortable, a bit wrong-footed. You don't know where the story is going (hell, sometimes you don't even know where a scene is going), so you keep hanging up until the end. There's an underlying panic in how characters interact, but it's never hysterical, it's never loud or obnoxious. And then you find yourself snorting in situations that shouldn't have been funny. Life is usually not one genre or the other, so why literature should be? I love that the story never tries to be something (sad, funny, intriguing), and yet it is. It's not easy to pull something like this.

I have a WIP currently on my drive folder where I try to play with this tragicomedy narrative thing. This fic inspires me in trying to keep the reader on their toes all while looking effortless.

Borrowed Ghosts by DiscordantWords DiscordantWords has been out there since 2016 showing how there's more than a way to fix canon. In fact there are multiple ways. This is the author you want to go if you watch the show and think eeh this should have gone a different way. There's probably a story in here which takes the same premise you thought about.

This one is just too incredible. Because it picks up right from a crucial point in canon and said - ok, what if everything still happened, but they actually make sense? For this story consistency is key, and if canon gave us a John Watson making bad decisions while nursing an unreliable brain work, that's what you get. But make it make sense! This is what happens when you are on a roll of bad decisions, this story tells me. This is what happens when you're isolated from what before kept you on track. This is what happens when on top of everything your mind is playing you tricks: they don't just stop because you decided to. That's not how it works. This story acknowledges the bad stuff, but to fix them it doesn't propose miracles, and it definitely doesn't ignore them. We get the consequences but we also get the process of change that is necessary for things to be good once again. Like John says: there's a difference between wishing something happened differently and wishing it hadn't happened at all. But it did happen, so now what?

Make it canon divergence but character consistency and twist it to fix it, it's what inspires me in this fic.

The Ancillus's Tale by Chryse I reiterate that everything by Chryse is a must, but everyone that follows me on twitter had to deal with me constantly gushing about their most recent work for months, so it will be this one here. I just have a lot of feelings about this fic. Oh, yes, omegaverse again, inspired by The Handmaid's Tale.

The one aspect that comes to my mind when I think about Chryse's works is dark themes. If I want to read about fucked up stuff happening, I will go to them. And this particular fix has fucked up stuff from the first to the last chapter. And it's very immersive: you get inside the head of whoever is POV at the moment, Sherlock or John. You get their physical reactions, their thoughts, you know what they know. And the world building is on point: detailed enough that is totally credible, you can see reality becoming that way, but it's not described to exhaustion. We are presented the info about what we need to know, and rest is there, somewhere at your peripheral vision where you know it exists but it doesn't become a nuisance to the plot. But more important than that, it's how the dark themes are treated. It's never on black or white situations, surprisingly, despite the universe setting. The characters especially - they are allowed to have conflicted feelings, they are allowed to misbehave even if they are supposed to be on the good side, they have nuance and complexity. And the cherry on top: just because it has a dark premise, it doesn't mean it can't have a super satisfying happy ending that even brings comfort to the soul after letting it being hurt. We get snippets of comfort, the promise it's going to happen all along the fic, to compensate the extreme suffering the characters are going through. It's glorious.

I have been toying with the idea of writing something on the dark side. In fact my next multi chapter is super fucked up (but as always, with the certainty of a happy ending), and I hope it can see the world soon. I'm writing with this premise in mind: characters are allowed to have conflicted feelings, and they are allowed to misbehave, that won't make them the bad guys.

This was part II! If you missed part I, just click here. Part III is up!

[moonlightchn]

~WHOLESOME WEDNESDAY~

Not to be a soft motherfucker but I've been wanting to do this again for a week now so I guessed I would try my best to fit as many of my thoughts here as I can without being annoying or tumblr fucking up plz bear with me heh but we know none of those are actually possible anyway so THERES THAT also this is fucking long wow ANYWAY

WARNING WORD VOMIT sjsjsjsj I dont even know what i wrote I'm sorry but I'm tagging yall anyway

Some of you I speak to on a daily basis, yknow? Like,, as admin. And its fucking insane because like- I don't know but like isn't it insane? sjajsjsj How fast some people come to grow in your heart and get under your skin and become so important for you. I think it's crazy. That in four months or so I've made more friends in here that in my whole life and I've learned so much about life and myself and I've gotten marked and some of you imprinted on my mind and heart forever. And like HELL I wasn't here when most big dramas happened but I was here for two very big ones and like??? idk it feels like all of us have been through shared crises and somehow grown closer sjajskwjs idk I'm weird and im sensitive today and I just feel like wow what would I be doing without all of you right now? probably studying. or scrolling Twitter in which I never spoke to anyone. or watching Instagram stories and getting sad over how all my ex class partners are still in contact and hang out and keep strong relationships while I just sit here. like, I know we all say this place sucks and we hate it and its toxic and don't get me wrong of course some people is fucking shitty and they take a toll on a lot of others but that like... it also happens in real life yknow?? but like in real life how many people do you think would actually idk sit with you through a panic attack or stay up with you till 8am or wake up in the middle of the night or rave with you or hype you up or have meme wars or send you daily jokes or just randomly tell you how much you mean to them or make posts asking where you are when you disappear or been gone for too long or make people that doesnt know you send you birthday wishes? like I'm not saying it doesnt happen but isnt it wonderful that it happens HERE with US where maybe out of 10 people only 2 know each other in real life? Isnt it wonderful that we're from all around the world? that you half of the time dont realize someone isnt from English speaking places because they're too good or even when they're not that good no one judges you because this is such an inclusive and wonderful place for people of all races and colors and sexualities and nationalities and body types and hair colors?

idk I'm just RAMBLING but like I wanted to let everyone know that even if we dont speak, even if we NEVER spoke, even if we're only on each others tag lists, or even if I was and you took me off or I took you off or if you deleted or if you have 817383 bots and you speak to me in all of them or only one or whatever PLEASE just know that I love you so much and I appreciate you and you're awesome and if you made some mistakes know that you CAN fix them you CAN learn and be better you CAN grow.

I believe that everyone is capable of learning and changing and everyone deserves a second chance as long as they genuinely show the intention of changing and bettering themselves. I believe that we're capable of forgiving and maintaining healthy relationships without hard feelings. I believe we all have goodness. I believe we all are small universes and we have stars in our eyes and supernovas in our brains and a million things to discover and I believe its funnier to be together than alone and I'm rambling again but like idk just yesterday I was sending someone a message telling them how maybe I'm fucking delusional and naive because who the fuck goes out on their daily saying "be skeptical. dont trust too much. always pay attention" but then after two days of talking with someone they're fucking platonically whipped and would sell their soul as long as they can see those around them happy? trick question I know many of you do too which WORRIES ME PLZ DONT PUT YOUR HEARTS ON THE LINE SO EASILY I drifted I forgot what I was saying oh welp

Anyway for some of you i have so much to say I could write endless paragraphs about you about admins and characters and life and wow I do speak a lot to admins sometimes I speak more to admins as admin that the characters and for some others I can only say a few things or wish you to have a good day some of you I only ever spoke to your character or we talked too little or never at all wow I say that a lot but like one thing yall have in common is that I love you so much even if you don't know me or dont care alright I dont care if you don't care I LOVE YOU and you can FIGHT ME if you dont wanna accept it smh I just want you to know that this place so many of you have been feeling is crumbling down or hurting them or isnt the same anymore is MY safe place too is a place where I feel comfortable and secure and I know, well decide to believe, that you guys would never do willingly anything to hurt another and yknow sometimes I just sit in bed and look at my account and I'm like wow I suck I should delete but then I'm like I could never do that to you I really couldn't because I've been told so many times I'm peoples safe place too and I would never want to take that away from you yknow

I mean I'm not gonna say we shouldn't pay attention to the bad things that happen because this is somehow our home and it's on us to protect it but I think that we shouldnt focus so much on it. because theres still so many good things that we overlook when we think of the bad or when we let things get to us or when we decide to act out of impulse and not think through stuff yknow

ANYWAAY what I'm trying to say is that I love you all so so so so so much and this is my safe place because you're here for me when I need it and I would never give you guys up for anything and like i have so many people for whom i stay daily and try my best and I hope that someday when you need a reason i can be that for you too because I've said this in private but I want everyone to know that this is my corner too and I will always fight for it and protect it so like we can all fight for it together whenever things get rough or you can leave me alone and maybe I'm being super dramatic and putting a lot of weight on this but I started overthinking like halfway and in just tthink that I want to keep yall close to me and my heart forever ok so stay safe and healthy and happy yeah fight for your happiness fight for what you deserve fight for what you want and don't let anyone ANYONE EVER take away from you your joy and your spark and your will to be yourself ok bye

[mother-snake]

Me: *looks at completed homework* *looks at Jessie* *looks at homework* Now that I have my freedom your heart is in danger once again. Be warned brave friend.

Also me: JANUS!! GET YOUR BLOND HEAD OUT HERE!!! I NEED YOU AGAIN!

faintly in the distance: noooooooo

~~~~~~~~

All the sides were wearing black.

They just got home from a very sad event that day, no one wanted to say the title out loud because they couldn't accept that he was gone. Rain hit the mindscape windows, similarly, tears were streaming down all of their faces.

After the event, all the sides went to their rooms. All except a certain dark blue side.

Logan was on the couch. Black suit being crumpled by the lax sitting position. In his shaking hands was held a letter. Everyone had at least one letter. Logan had the most with five letters. Each one had a number.

Logan grabbed the letter labeled #1

It was of medium size. White envelope contrasting with the red wax used to seal it. The only thing that marked that it was for him was the blue ink used to mark his name.

Trying not to tear the paper. Logan opened the letter and started to read.

Dear Logan,

I guess if you're reading this I'm gone. To that fact, I'm truly sorry. I wish I could be there. But this is for the best.

I suppose you know what happened to the dark side by now. If you don't well.... Its gone. Wrath, Apathy and Depression were just getting too powerful, it didn't matter how much I hid them away they still got to Thomas... and I can't have them destroying Thomas's life. I need to do my job, even if it kills me. I really did enjoy your company! I hope you know that.

Often times the only thing that could get me out of the bed in the morning was being able to see your face. Or being able to debate with you. Or seeing you talk about space for hours! God Logan, I could go on for hours about how you made my horrid life better. You were my best friend.

These letters are going to be written over a period of time. I don't think I have it in me to say goodbye to the 5 people who made my life tolerable all at once. I'm going to be writing one letter a day. Till tomorrow Logan?

~Deceit Sanders

Logan let out a steady breath. He refused to cry over the first letter. He debated over reading all of the letters at once but.... Janus said tomorrow... He'll read letter #2 the following day.

The next morning was just as somber. Logan sat on his bed and gripped the second letter.

This one was the same size, but the envelope was a light baby blue. The seal black. Logan opened it with just as much care as before.

Hello Logan

Another day, another migraine? I get it... Not the time for jokes. I just finished writing Roman's second letter. I always felt so bad for everything involving Roman.

I manipulated him, I told him lies, I compared him to his brother. Kinda makes me deserve this I have a feeling he might try something. Snake instincts. Watch him for me, please? You five need to be a family, I've witnessed what happens to sides to end up hating eachother. Its not pretty. You don't want that Logan.

I guess that is what makes me have to do this. If we only acted like a family I wouldn't have to do this. I wouldn't have to do a lot of things if the darks weren't pricks.

The stupid thing is that I know you would try to talk me out of this plan. And you're right. God you're always right. Why do you have to be right all the time? I wish I was right all the time. But its ok. I'll be the side who hides the truth.

Blessings and a curses, right?

I'll write to you again tomorrow Logan

~ Janus Deceit Sanders

Logan gulped in another breath. He could read that crossed out section... Janus was right. They have to be there for eachother.

Why don't they go watch Janus' favourite movies? That sounds like a fun way to remember someone. Logan got the others.

-time skip-

It was just passed midnight. Everyone else was asleep on the couch as Coraline played on the TV. Logan stared at the third letter. It was technically the next day.... Logan grabbed the letter.

This letters envelope was a burnt tan colour. Yellow wax acted as the seal.

My dear, Logan

I never wanted to be hugged so much then I do right now. I have to barricade my door to prevent Wrath from getting inside, he's always been a loud side.

I remember when I was nothing but a child -Virgil is ten years older then me. Did you know that? I forget that sometimes- I always had blond hair. I know that you and the other lights also have lighter coloured hair. Well anyway. Wrath hates my hair, says that I don't belong. I can also only do that little silencing trick when I'm on your side of the mind. And I can only automatically heal when on the light side too. Huh. I never released how long that list was. Maybe I'm just defective... That has to be it... Right?

I always looked up to you. You could tell people how it was and not cower when things go wrong. You truly are amazing Logan. You need to show the others that. I know that the others love and care for you. You need to accept that love logan! Please. Don't fall into a similar pit of despair I fell into so long ago. I never escaped that pit. Don't fall in it too.

I know how you like to cope Logan. You seek familiar things that remind you of that person. Thats why I did something for you. Under your bed is my all time favourite book, Good Omens, My favourite snacks and an USB with my playlist on it. I hope you love them as much as I did Logan. I'll write to you tomorrow.

~Janus Sanders

Janus wasn't lying when he found the little care package. Logan wasn't crying. Absolutely not! Patton was cooking with onions. Logan never released how much he loved chocolate covered pretzels and jazz until that moment.

The next day Logan didn't even bother to get dressed. He just grabbed the next letter. A soft pastel yellow with a blue seal. Logan tore it open, eger to read what the yellow side wrote next.

Dear Bluebell,

Kinda weird calling you that. But I guess I won't be alive long enough to see your negative reaction. Bluebells were always my favourite flower. Would it be rude to keep calling you bluebell? Well, I guess it's a little too late for that.

It just came to my attention that by this time tomorrow I'm going to be...Gone. I made the poison that would get rid of them. My venom is one of the only things that can kill a side. Would be a bit ironic dying from my own venom huh? Well, I might as well tell you my plan.

Do you remember that party you and the others snuck into? The masquerade? We're having another party tomorrow. And it was always my job to serve the wine. We can't have the others being suspicious to why I didn't drink my wine. They will be dead in less then ten minutes. My venom is painful. But it'll kill them. I'll kill them 10x over, I'm not looking forward to five minutes in where the venom shuts down your lungs.

Anyway, I'm a side known for plans right? Not always the best plans but it counts. I still remember debating with you as Patton. Maybe... Maybe I could sneak over today? Pathetic last wish, but I would love to have a hug and a movie. I'm going to head over to your side soon.

Bluebell Logan when I'm gone. I need you to do something for me. Don't let them forget me...Please. That is all I want. I don't want my body to be left inside of that empty house. I don't want to die next to the people I hate the most. All I ever wanted was to see you smile. I'll see you later today.

~Bumblebee

Logan was crying. That day... Janus asked for a hug and a movie.

He only gave Janus a hug after the look of heart break was too much for him to bear. Logan didn't wait to grab the next letter.

My Beloved Bluebell

Today is the day, I never thought I would admit this but... I'm scared. Do you think that there is Heaven and Hell for sides? If there is I guess I'm going to hell. Suicide is a sin. Not like anything else I've done deserves heaven.

I don't have very long for this letter. 30 minutes. I have 30 minutes till my heart stops. God I'm terrified. This is the last letter I'm writing Logan. I finished writing Virgil's letters yesterday. All thats left is your letter. And holy fuck I'm scared.

I have to do this, I overheard Wrath making a plan to overthrow the mind. I can't let that happen. I would fail at my only job. It doesn't matter if I'm scared or not, I need to do my job. Thomas would suffer if I didn't.

20 minuites, I have ten minutes till the party. My hand is shaking. Can you tell from my writing? I hope you can still read this. If you can't the letter is pointless.

Logan, I know that this is never something you would reciprocate but...

I love you. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I wanted to take you to the moon for a honeymoon and take you dancing among the stars. I wanted to be the tired husband that has to deal with your legionds of roommates. Logan I love you so god damn much I can't put it into words. I know you could never love me though. Its ok.

Take care of yourself for me please. Don't let your beautiful family fall apart. Don't let the despair of my death cause one of yours. Don't let one of the others blame themselves. This is no ones fault but mine.

I love you

~Janus Sanders

Logan dropped the letter and let out the most agonizing scream that could ever come out of his mouth. He cried. He cried and cried and cried. He cried until no more sound came out and his eyes burned.

He didn't notice when the other four came into the room and held him close.

All Logan did was trace the words on the page.

"I love you too, my bumblebee."

The sides could only feel the hole in their heart grow bigger.

~~~~~

I made myself sad again. I CAN'T EVEN CRY! MY PARENTS ARE IN THE ROOM! Curse my own brain ;-;

Here it is!

[restlesstheoryqfab]

text | LivQuinn

Liv: I was just looking back in my camera roll and found a picture of us in the dungeon :sweat smile emoji: :sweat smile emoji:

Quinn: oh God

Liv: We looked so rough LOL

Quinn: I'm sure we did

Liv: How are you?

Liv: Did I see somewhere your tour ended?

Liv: You going back to California?

Quinn: m'fine

Quinn: That it did.

Quinn: Nah. Headed back to Boston.

Liv: Oh! So I’ll get to see you then??

Liv: When will you be around?

Liv: It’s been ages

Quinn: Yup

Quinn: Got plans Monday, presumably I'll be required to make an appearance at Fran's on Tuesday, but I could probably do sometime on Tuesday?

Quinn: That it has.

Liv: That’s so far

Quinn: It's Tuesday or you wait even more.

Liv: Ugh the worst

Liv: why can’t you be around nowwwwwww

Quinn: Because I'm not

Liv: I’ll wait

Liv: Since I have to

Quinn: believe me, I'd prefer to be around

Liv: Are you close enough for me to drive to you?

Liv: The pictures were so hot!

Quinn: I'm busy.

Liv: Oh, okay. No worries

Quinn: Post tour shit is a bitch

Liv: I mean, I imagine so. So much physical and emotional work. When I was on tour it felt like we never went to bed.

Quinn: I love being on tour. I hate coming off it.

Liv: Sounds like you ate too many edibles

Quinn: I wish.

Liv: Do you want some?

Quinn: God no. Fran would kill me.

Liv: So? Edibles are basically good for you

Liv: Plus they just help you sleep

Quinn: You convince miss high and mighty of that.

Liv: Maybe she just cares about you?

Liv: Well, if you decide you want some lemme know.

Quinn: She does, but she's also anti-everything fun

Liv: Fun is relative. Different for everyone.

Liv: sounds like you need fun, grumpy

Quinn: But weed is nearly always fun, and Frannie turns up her nose at it.

Quinn: I need a fucking break is what I need.

Liv: plus how do you know Frannie hasn’t made edibles before? She definitely has.

Liv: You’re literally on break

Quinn: Is my withdrawal brain reading shit wrong or did you just say that Frannie, Francine Grace Fabray MADE edibles?!

Liv: She did! On Sunday.

Quinn: The fuck?

Liv: It’s why I have them

Quinn: You made edibles with my sister?

Quinn: god this feels like a hallucination

Liv: I did!

Liv: They’re so yummy too

Quinn: What fucking world did I faze into that my sister is making edibles?

Liv: Why does it matter?

Liv: It just means she doesn’t care if you let me bring you some

Quinn: She'll still fuckin kill me

Liv: I just wanna chill with you Fabray

Quinn: I'm probably the last fucker in Boston you really wanna hang out with.

Liv: Hey now, don’t put words in my mouth :frowning emoji:

Quinn: I'm not good company right now.

Liv: That’s okay. I can just drop cookies off?

Quinn: No. It'd be a bad idea. I don't know what adding that onto everything else would do. Would like to at least give Fran the chance to kill me.

Liv: Okay. I’ll bring some Tuesday then. How’s that?

Quinn: Sounds great. And tell whichever of the women in that house you're talking to that I know what I'm doing.

Liv: You sure about that?

Quinn: Yeah, this isn't my first rodeo.

Liv: Well they love you

Quinn: Doesn't always feel like like it. Fucking snitch.

Liv: Rather be a snitch then lose you

Quinn: I was talking about Bea. Though you're not much better.

Liv: What did she do?

Quinn: Tattled to Frannie

Liv: she is the baby

Quinn: And I told her I was fine.

Liv: Yeah, I mean drugs usually don’t equate to fine. But it’s fine.

Liv: What do you have going on Monday?

Quinn: I'm detoxing. It's fine.

Quinn: high school reunion of the horny variety, apparently

Liv: But why stop if you wanna do them so bad?

Liv: Ooooooh

Liv: Gross

Quinn: Frannie. And I only trust one guy to supply me, though after this my trust is wavering.

Quinn: Pretty little brat that I'm inclined to believe is as good with her mouth as she says.

Liv: So you stopped enough to trick her?

Liv: Hopefully she’s not lying

Quinn: If she thought I wasn't using she didn't worry.

Quinn: Pretty little song bird who also doesn't know how to shut up. So if that woman doesn't know how to put that mouth of hers to good use, well, she knows what I'll do to her.

Liv: Looks like you’re spots been blown up unfortunately

Liv: What now?

Liv: Hopefully she shuts up enough to use her mouth

Quinn: Fuck if I know.

Quinn: She likes being put in her place, I'm sure I can that mouth to do what I want it to.

Liv: Cool

Liv: sounds funnnn

Quinn: I should ask if she's gotten rid of her reindeer sweater...

Liv: LOL u joking?

Quinn: This girl wore short fucking skirts, knee high socks, and sweaters so fucking often. And no matter how much teasing and bullying occurred she wouldn't change. Even her so-called friends tried to get her to toss the fucking reindeer sweater and she just wouldn't.

Liv: Well, stubborn can be fun. I think.

Liv: My brother always wears funny bow ties. People don’t appreciate them but he does it anyways.

Quinn: Bowties I can appreciate. Unflattering sweaters with reindeer I cannot

Liv: They were unflattering even with the knee socks?

Quinn: From ankle to waist she was perfect. Great legs, an amazing ass. And then BOOM reindeer

Liv: LOL you’ll have to let me know what she wears cause I’m big curious

Quinn: Hopefully not much. But yeah, I'll let you know

Liv: She shows up naked. Could you imagine :laughing cat emoji:

Quinn: If she wasn't meeting in public first I am not entirely sure I'd complain.

Liv: Why public if you know each other?

Quinn: Because it's been 11 years since high school and I'm not stupid enough to give someone I barely know my address?

Liv: Did she know your address back then? :winking emoji:

Quinn: No. My father would have had a conniption if I even entertained the idea of being acquainted with her.

Liv: Ohhhhhh

Liv: Romeo and Juliet vibes :laughing cat emoji: :laughing cat emoji: laughing cat emoji:

Quinn: I wanted nothing to do with her back then. Except when I could get her angry enough to storm off so I could watch her go.

Liv: So you kinda wanted something to do with her

Quinn: I wanted less to do with her than she wanted to do with me.

Liv: Omg was she in love with you

Quinn: She wanted me to fuck her in the locker room. Apparently on multiple occasions.

Liv: Jesus

Liv: that’s hot

Quinn: Spanking included

Liv: Well then

Quinn: Mmhmm

Liv: Well hopefully she’s just horny for you and not obsessed with you

Quinn: I've had worse people obsessed with me

Liv: Fair enough.

Liv: So what are you going to make her do?

Quinn: Haven't decided yet.

Liv: No fair

Quinn: I mean, she's given me so many ideas. Definitely like the idea of spanking her, getting her on her knees, not letting her up until I'm satisfied."

Liv: you could kill her between your legs and she probably wouldn’t care

Quinn: Probably

Liv: That’s a sacrifice I’d probably take too

Quinn: Is that so?

Liv: For sure

Quinn: Interesting.

Quinn: So, you and Frannie?

Liv: We’re friends because of Arin! Love that woman

Quinn: Okay, but like how are you two JUST NOW connecting? I mean, you and the queen of darkness have known each other for a while, right?

Liv: It just sort of happened, idk

Liv: the same way you spent your summers with my Blaine

Quinn: Excuse me what?

Liv: Blaine Anderson | Liv Anderson

Quinn: Bruh.

Liv: Tell me about it. I could have gotten into so many pants way sooner.

Quinn: So like, why weren't you?

Liv: You know, dads suck!

Quinn: Mood

Liv: I punched him in the face and he shipped me off to boarding school :sunglasses emoji:

Quinn: Damn, I wish

Quinn: I just write songs about mine

Liv: Mine doesn’t exist to me anymore so no songs need to be written

Liv: At least they are good!!!

Quinn: I'm sure I don't exist to him but that doesn't make the trauma and shit nonexistent

Liv: Neither does the drugs

Quinn: The drugs have very little to do with THAT bastard

Liv: Okay. My apologies.

Liv: They still don’t help trauma

Quinn: They stop the memories way more than you'd think

Liv: Doesn’t make it the way

Quinn: Yeah, well they work.

Liv: I know

Quinn: and that's the part that matters.

Quinn: so like how did you get her to make edibles?

Liv: I asked her

Quinn: What the ever loving fuck have I missed the last 9 months?

Liv: I don’t know LOL

Quinn: Neither do I.

Liv: The world just got smaller mostly.

Liv: and everyone is horny and kinky

Liv: Or both

Quinn: Both, definitely both.

Liv: Specially them Fabray girls

Quinn: Not all of us.

Liv: All of you dude

Quinn: Last a checked my not-so-closeted older sister is still in fact a sex free bitch. And as much as even I know kink isn't always sexual, Frannie might have an interested, but that definitely doesn't result in actually being willing.

Liv: An interest is enough for me to label you all kinky. That’s all.

Quinn: Okay then

Liv: And you are horny I’m sure

Quinn: nah, withdrawal sucks that shit right outta ya. Hoping I don't have to cancel Monday, honestly

Liv: omg that’d break her heart probably

Quinn: Probably

Liv: such power

Quinn: Mmhmm

Liv: if you cancel on her let’s hang out

Quinn: If I cancel on her it will be because I still feel like death

Liv: and I can’t take care of you?

Quinn: Why would you want to?

Liv: Friends take care of friends

Liv: I messaged you because I was hoping you’d let me come over to help you. It just also meant I could let Frannie know you are okay

Quinn: I'm fine, Liv, really. Just some extra shit I wasn't expecting to deal with.

Liv: You guys are so fucking frustrating holy shit

Liv: Okay. I get it. But I want to help. And I’m here for you. That’s all. You can believe it and I hope you would but I won’t force you.

Quinn: I know I am. Bea, if you know her is too. But what's frustrating about Frannie? Like, from a you perspective?

Quinn: I just don't need the help right now, okay? Go be a brat to someone who can handle it

Liv: She doesn’t take a single compliment.

Liv: I’m not being a brat I’m trying to be a friend

Quinn: Is there a reason you're trying that hard to compliment my sister?

Quinn: You're being a bratty friend.

Liv: It’s easy to?

Quinn: ... You like her don't you

Liv: We’re friends. Obviously I like her.

Quinn: Bitch, you know what I mean

Liv: I haven’t thought about it like that tbh

Liv: Maybe I do

Liv: That’s fun

Quinn: Does she know? Does she like you back? I need details bitch

Liv: You think she knows when I didn’t know?

Quinn: I don't know. Maybe? Like does she like you?

Liv: I mean she likes hanging out with me and made edibles with me

Quinn: Mmhm. And?

Liv: What do you mean and? We just chill a lot

Liv: And laugh a lot lol

Quinn: Okay. That's something. But also you're terrible at this. I'm gonna have to ask Arin. Arin knows these things.

Liv: Arin knows everything

Liv: I also don’t know anything right now outside the fact that I’m seconds from exploding

Quinn: Except how to fall in love with someone who WON'T cheat on her.

Quinn: Getting relief, I hope?

Liv: low blow

Liv: Maybe she can date Bea. Bea doesn’t know anyone but us.

Liv: Yes sooooon

Quinn: But the truth.

Quinn: Don't know how I feel about that. Though, pretty sure she had a crush on Arin when we were younger.

Quinn: oooh

Liv: I mean who didn’t have a crush on Arin? LOL

Liv: oooooh

Quinn: Frannie. And presumably Blaine.

Quinn: Who???

Liv: Wonder if Sugar did. She’s worse than anyone I know when it comes to realizing feelings LOL

Liv: Arin

Quinn: Sugar had it BAD. Like, literally got her ass beat multiple times with a book cos she refused to leave Arin alone. Now she just pretends to hate her for it.

Quinn: enjoy the queen of darkness, you both probbaly need it though like... does Frannie know?

Liv: LOLOLOLOLOLOl

Liv: Yeah, I think she knows. I mean I don’t know how she wouldn’t know.

Quinn: uh huh. and do you know if she reacted to this?

Liv: What do you mean?

Liv: I don’t know.

Liv: she said she didn’t need Arin

Quinn: I mean how did she react. Was it normal. Was it short. Did it take longer or faster than it should have.

Liv: She gets short a lot. I didn’t really note it as different

Liv: This is so much

Quinn: Well, when you have a chance, compare what everytime she's gotten short with you has in common and met me know

Liv: Quinn, I really like sex and she doesn’t

Liv: I don’t think we could ever work

Liv: it’s not that serious

Quinn: Look, I can't say why she's repulsed lord knows that's her story to tell, but she's on that site for a reason. A reason that I pray means what I think it does. Don't count her out because of her history.

Liv: I’m not counting her out. I just think you’ve got it all wrong.

Quinn: I don't think I do. But Arin will know more and I will get my answer. Just think over why she gets short with you.

Liv: Stubborn :sweat emoji:

Quinn: Fabray genetics. Running away, being attractive, a desire to be right.

Liv: can you like wait to bug arin until I’m done with her?

Quinn: You mean til she's done with you, but yeah, I'm gonna go pass out

Liv: goodnight Quinn :winking emoji:

Quinn: enjoy the queen of darkness

[punkscowardschampions]

Sick Kids

ihatemyguts: Hey, who's about today? brainpain: 👀 brainpain: 👃 brainpain: 👅 ihatemyguts: Uncanny brainpain: I know ihatemyguts: Artistic endeavors keeping you busy? brainpain: [a selfie of her dramatic 🌈 makeup aesthetic] ihatemyguts: Okay but I'm gonna need a tutorial ihatemyguts: I never even mastered lipstick brainpain: I'll hook you up brainpain: check your private msgs ihatemyguts: 👍🙏 ihatemyguts: if my face is gonna be 🌚 from now on, it should really look pretty ihatemyguts: #juststeroidthings brainpain: it's a good face brainpain: + if I can rock a half shaved head with my brainpain: 👀 brainpain: 👃 brainpain: 👅 brainpain: not a time to still be alive brainpain: LMAO ihatemyguts: no doubt you rocked it so well everyone thought it was a choice brainpain: you gotta act like you're starting a 🌚 worshipping cult brainpain: I'll do a tutorial for that brainpain: full face of silver ihatemyguts: I can get down with that ihatemyguts: 🙌🌊🩸🐺🙌 ihatemyguts: am here on a bit of a recruitment mission, actually brainpain: my housemates & I are all synced 🩸 wise so you'd be doing me a favour, newbie brainpain: living battle royale over here brainpain: not trying to recruit you to fight to the death by my side though, we're good brainpain: what's the job? ihatemyguts: That sounds delightful, man ihatemyguts: also lowkey how has that never happened, not even with my ma ihatemyguts: clearly just that cold and standoffish she's like nah ihatemyguts: maybe I should wait 'til Zach is here too 'cos it was kinda his idea but if I give cred now, we're all good and I can take the blame if it's a big nope brainpain: you're still a 👶 not even gonna be synced with yourself yet brainpain: hold up I'll drag him by his curls brainpain: out there having a life like a real boy 😤 ihatemyguts: 😂 ihatemyguts: he'll get tricked into going to a weird Funland island and get turned into a donkey for his crimes, it's okay brainpain: sounds lit brainpain: [inandout has entered the chat] inandout: 🤥 ihatemyguts: How's your conscience? ihatemyguts: 🦗🦗🦗 inandout: 💎 clear ihatemyguts: 🤨 suspect inandout: you're not my wine mum inandout: or vodka aunt ihatemyguts: How rude ihatemyguts: Put some respect on your cult leader inandout: 🙇🙏 inandout: no food offerings ihatemyguts: safe bet gotspoons: 👋 I'm here! gotspoons: having a great day today, actually got energy, whaaaa?! 😲🤭 inandout: quick! float the idea while she's on cloud 9 gotspoons: You make me sound like an ogre, Zach 😜 gotspoons: what's going on? brainpain: Princess ogre ihatemyguts: Fiona ihatemyguts: v chic ihatemyguts: anyway, as we're all 👍 besides battle royale 🩸 ihatemyguts: we was thinking, and talking 'bout, a potential meetup ihatemyguts: thought we'd float it, see what y'all 💭 brainpain: I've got a 🍳 I'm 👍 + in ihatemyguts: which princess is that? one with crazy long hair, I 👀 it ihatemyguts: it could be cool, yeah? and why not, we'd have to make sure everyone who wants to can obvs or what's the point but apart from that brainpain: Princess me, unless the bleach makes it all fall out 😬 brainpain: [a very her style location] 📌🌎 inandout: we're not doing it there gotspoons: This is the problem, guys 😩 gotspoons: it would be really awesome but there is SO much planning you'd have to do to make it safe for everyone gotspoons: and picking a place for everyone that meets all the requirements inandout: we're willing to do all that inandout: planning + safety stuff ihatemyguts: totally ihatemyguts: like we could even go to a park or somewhere totally neutral ihatemyguts: or see if we can find some council-owned hall or something, 'cos places like that HAVE to be accessible ihatemyguts: I don't mind calling around and I bet Rich knows lots, and you will think of ALL the ways to keep EVERYONE safe and happy, right Rosie? brainpain: where I used to have support group would actually work brainpain: [a decent location that's like a community centre of something] ihatemyguts: 🙌 that looks legit ihatemyguts: if we explain what we're tryna do, bet they won't even charge us brainpain: I've got a hook up as ⭐ pupil brainpain: had my pick of those circle of chairs tigerbalm: 🙀🙀🙀🙀 tigerbalm: are we REALLY going to be able to meet up in person?! inandout: possibly gotspoons: How are we going to do this, IF we can gotspoons: you have to think about food and drink and seating and how we'd cover that, even if they did give us the venue for free inandout: I'm great with funds, it's assumed and expected gotspoons: but is that fair? gotspoons: I know some of us have none or very little inandout: I won't charge any of you a fee to come through the doors inandout: not that Jewish gotspoons: Oh, Zach! ihatemyguts: 🤑 is an accessibility issue, this should be a service, it should exist for free ihatemyguts: but it doesn't ihatemyguts: so if we can do this for ourselves, and offer it for free, for as little expense as possible ihatemyguts: maybe people will pull their finger out and consider actually doing their job ihatemyguts: you can write about it on your blog, get the word out brainpain: I'll fund-raise on stream, I've got your backs, nerds ihatemyguts: Right? High🖐 ihatemyguts: it's for US, so all of us that can, will put money into it ihatemyguts: no pressure on the ones that can't, fuck that, if anyone is gonna be that arsehole then they aren't welcome, yeah? tigerbalm: my parents have a people carrier, cos of course they do, but my creepy uncle won't be invited if any of y'all need rides ihatemyguts: 🤩🤩🤩 gotspoons: I'm going to do some research gotspoons: A LOT of research gotspoons: I would hate for anything to happen to anyone is this group tigerbalm: Where's Rich? tigerbalm: he would love to be on the front lines about this gotspoons: He would be a big help gotspoons: I feel like he had a uni thing today, an open day or something like that??? gotspoons: ugh my memory letting me down AS PER tigerbalm: how exciting! tigerbalm: I'll have to quiz him when he shows gotspoons: I know! gotspoons: He always checks in though, he'll be here later brainpain: Moving on, for those of us too brain damaged for further education gotspoons: 😔 brainpain: just me & my raging hormones LOL brainpain: he'll be such a happy nerd gotspoons: that's for sure gotspoons: he'll probably know so many answers to our questions already enablednotdisabled: I thought this group existed in lieu of an in-person group? brainpain: sup dude, it does enablednotdisabled: wouldn't it be potentially exclusionary to take this offline then? enablednotdisabled: realistically, there will be some of us who simply cannot get there inandout: if you wanna get there, we'll make it happen inandout: facetime you in if nothing else works enablednotdisabled: I'm not talking for myself, just others who might not feel confident enough to inandout: collective "you" inandout: we've all got phones enablednotdisabled: I just feel like this group can be quite us vs. them at times enablednotdisabled: hard to get heard if you aren't in the core group tigerbalm: There isn't a core group tigerbalm: everyone is listened to & respected enablednotdisabled: With all due respect, you are a part of it enablednotdisabled: so, of course, you feel that way enablednotdisabled: I'm not suggesting you can't break off and do your own thing, but the main chat of this forum that is meant to be for all of us, isn't the place for it brainpain: this group is what you make it, man brainpain: + the main chat brainpain: hit us with a topic you wanna talk about whenever inandout: it was brought up here so everyone knows they're invited ihatemyguts: I'm new and everyone I've found has been really receptive and welcoming to whatever I've had to say ihatemyguts: it sucks that you've not had that experience yourself but no one here is excluding you right now, least of all Robyn enablednotdisabled: There's a definite atmosphere here, whether you want to acknowledge it or not enablednotdisabled: the guidelines of what is expected and what is acceptable need to be clearer enablednotdisabled: and the moderators, who I've never actually witnessed in chat, should be quicker to put people on the right track, making this more therapeutic/beneficial to all, ban people if necessary brainpain: If you 🔎 hard enough for an atmosphere, it's findable brainpain: when you come in with a definite attitude of your own that's not gonna help none gotspoons: There's no need for us to have an argument, this is supposed to be a positive space gotspoons: if you have a complaint you'd like to make @enablednotdisabled, there is a link to contact the mods directly gotspoons: but I'd be happy to talk to you, privately if you'd prefer, and then we can take it from there? enablednotdisabled: I can handle my own complaints, thanks enablednotdisabled: and this isn't a positive space for me, and plenty other people I've talked to gotspoons: It hurts me to hear that, I'm really sorry and steps do need to be taken to attempt to rectify that then handicapable: I agree, it's cliquey here, unless you're one of the 'popular kids' or core group as @enablednotdisabled said, nobody cares handicapable: @ihatemyguts may be new but her finding a way in doesn't mean the walls aren't there for the rest of us handicapable: I barely log in any more gotspoons: Then let's tackle this culture head on gotspoons: do either of you have suggestions on how we could go about that, so I'm not dominating the conversation handicapable: You're not the one who dominates the conversation ihatemyguts: Don't think we need to @ people with specific comments like that ihatemyguts: not speaking for myself brainpain: @ me, baby brainpain: At least then I could defend myself brainpain: 🤐 though ihatemyguts: You've got the floor, like tigerbalm: It's not a safe space for Lauren if she can't say what she wants to say at risk of being accused of dominating the chat tigerbalm: either you want people to feel listened to or you don't ihatemyguts: And yeah, I am new, but I know Lauren, or anyone else in the chat rn, would not shoot you down if you wanted to change topic enablednotdisabled: It's about who always seems to be dictating the topic enablednotdisabled: we could change it, but then you feel like an interloper ihatemyguts: The conversation has to start somewhere, by someone ihatemyguts: @handicapable admitted to barely logging in now, of course the people who are here more will talk more, that's a given, it doesn't mean you're not allowed to contribute or come in to the convo ihatemyguts: there's no way to avoid that...prompts? mods only? that's not natural, or practical inandout: bible quotes inandout: 1 Peter 5:10 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Why are we quoting scripture? inandout: Lauren's been here for like 2 years but suddenly she's a disruptive force tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Well that's bullshit tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: unless you're a incel on her stream brainpain: you know me brainpain: how was your open day, babe? brainpain: (unless I'm a domineering b word for asking) tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Decent, despite the fact no one was expecting the wheelchair kid tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: despite the fact I called ahead tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: you can dominate me all you want but let me catch up with this apparent shitstorm I've missed brainpain: what a sexy proposition brainpain: I knew I'd missed you enablednotdisabled: Right, that's that conversation over then enablednotdisabled: 👌 brainpain: come on, man ihatemyguts: This is ridiculous ihatemyguts: people have formed meaningful relationships here, they're not allowed to acknowledge that in case someone feels left out, if you've talked to plenty of other people about the state of this forum, then clearly you've formed deeper bonds with them too ihatemyguts: no one here begrudges you that ihatemyguts: you're bound to get on with certain people over others, there's nothing discriminatory about that, it's to be expected tigerbalm: Like, are we supposed to take everything to PMs now? Cos I wanna hear about Rich's open day too but maybe he doesn't wanna type everything out to separate people lots of separate times ihatemyguts: ^You're just being rude, for the sake of it ihatemyguts: Rosie has offered to privately message about this, or you can put it all in an email to the mods tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Okay tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: literally, 'we' (I'll include myself in this core group that you see, even if I don't see that as a valid argument), have done nothing to you two, have never excluded either of you tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: everyone here is welcoming, and was welcoming you before your complaints tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: which aren't rooted in anything I can see as factual tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: what's the actual issue here? you're just hitting out buzzwords handicapable: and you're just jumping to the defence of the girl you like flirting with brainpain: Whoa now! That's not all I am in here tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: See, that's multiple times you've personally made jabs at Lauren tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: none of us have made any comments on you two personally tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: it seems like you're more cliquey than us if you can't see her as a valued member of the group brainpain: I'm not gonna leave cos you want on Rich for being hot af brainpain: shoutout to the new girl for letting that be known though tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Thank you, m'dear (somewhere between 🎩 and 🧢) tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: but thanks for implying I'm so desperate that I'd flirt with a girl I'd never seen before @handicapable tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: things are not quite that bad, I can assure you inandout: we're all that desperate, where have we heard that before? inandout: @normal people tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: and we don't deserve any relationships that are deeper than strictly clinical and professional inandout: which is why we don't need to talk to any one person more than once tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Shout your grievances into the void and move on tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: but don't be too depressing about it ihatemyguts: This group doesn't work, you're right, just not for the reasons you're giving ihatemyguts: but we're all welcome to do what we must about making it work, even if I disagree with yours personally ihatemyguts: at least we try, and if you view us as an 'us' then you also view yourself as a group ihatemyguts: which isn't how I see it, or it's meant to be ihatemyguts: it's a group as a whole inandout: I wanted to organise a meet up to make things cooler inandout: sometimes you don't wanna shout shit into the void inandout: you wanna look someone in the eye when you're talking to them inandout: so you don't have to feel othered ihatemyguts: ^^ inandout: I get to do things with all my other friends inandout: that's what you guys are tigerbalm: I don't have other friends, I'm not saying it to make anyone 😿 tigerbalm: but I don't tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: you've got us tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: and we don't need to apologize for being friends tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: and I think meeting up is a really good idea, I'll be happy to help brainpain: It's okay, Robyn, none of us have done anything wrong gotspoons: I've contacted the moderators, I'll let you know when I get a response brainpain: I did too ✌️ gotspoons: Good, everyone who feels they need to, should gotspoons: I'm glad your open-day went well, Rich brainpain: me too, hot 🤓 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Thanks, guys tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: it's got potential tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: once I get there and make some changes, of course tigerbalm: 🙌 You go, Rich! 🧡 tigerbalm: not to use a banned word but you do inspire me for when I get to uni myself tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: We'll allow it, well I will because I love a compliment tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: and you'll be great when you do tigerbalm: I hope my parents won't make me stay local tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: If you don't want to, you shouldn't tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: don't let anything stop you tigerbalm: I'll try not to tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: when you need them, I can throw all the resources and info at you tigerbalm: thanks brainpain: Can we talk about me now cos that's the ONLY reason I'm here LMAO ihatemyguts: @Zach, gonna come at her with your famous line? inandout: you've built it up now ihatemyguts: 🙄 ugh, baby inandout: are we at pet names? cool ihatemyguts: 😂 shut up ihatemyguts: but don't, all voices welcome inandout: yours is dragon ball z inandout: for today ihatemyguts: romantic ihatemyguts: we're meant to be talking about Lauren inandout: Lauren's is low blow ihatemyguts: got a real talent, kid ihatemyguts: may as well do the entire group inandout: wouldn't wanna exclude anyone ihatemyguts: 😏 ihatemyguts: no one will be devastated about that, trust me inandout: damn inandout: or dang ihatemyguts: is that another group rule I've shamelessly flouted? 😬 brainpain: It's a me rule, dragon ball brainpain: you're safe in this safe space ihatemyguts: I'll do my best to mind my Ps & Qs ihatemyguts: 🤞 brainpain: you're fine I'm just aware of my 👵 status brainpain: don't wanna spook the 👶s ihatemyguts: thoughtful ihatemyguts: 👌 brainpain: who knew? brainpain: check me out, not being a huge b word ihatemyguts: honestly, disappointing brainpain: @ my exes ihatemyguts: they aren't here, are they ihatemyguts: @fibro not included brainpain: only my next brainpain: when I snag Rich for myself brainpain: gotta tame that playboy ihatemyguts: so many 💔💔💔 @ this news brainpain: long as you're not brainpain: he's too old for you, babe tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: I feel used tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: and yes, much too 👴 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: be your ex-husband at this rate brainpain: I'm not gonna say, you can use me too, in front of the children brainpain: but mutual love & respect, boy tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Shocking behaviour, Mrs brainpain: asking for discipline would also be over the line, sir gotspoons: OKAY gotspoons: putting a stop to this convo thank you gotspoons: 😳 gotspoons: 😳 gotspoons: 😳 gotspoons: 😳 gotspoons: have I covered it? brainpain: g dang it, Rich! Have I not been involved in enough controversy for one day? brainpain: turn away from me, you sexy beast gotspoons: you're very cute but terrible gotspoons: ogre princess putting her foot down on this one tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: I'll take the blame tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: rushing to your defense again brainpain: 😍 ihatemyguts: sure wish someone would run in and change the topic ihatemyguts: it's like mum and dad have had too much 🍷 inandout: could be a prime time for you to ask Robbie on your first date, dbz ihatemyguts: Oh yeah! 💡 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: 💘 is in the air tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: careful, Zach ihatemyguts: Robyn, have you decided what you're gonna wear to your party yet? tigerbalm: I have a moodboard tigerbalm: would you like to see it? ihatemyguts: Um, absolutely tigerbalm: [that moodboard] ihatemyguts: So, you'd be up for going into town to try-on stuff, right? ihatemyguts: I can think of some shops with some unique stuff tigerbalm: 😺!!! ihatemyguts: Is that a yes 😺 or a I'm calling the police 😺? tigerbalm: I'd love to tigerbalm: my parents might call the police though ihatemyguts: that's alright, I've given you a fake name tigerbalm: they would think so tigerbalm: but their name choices are pretty boring ihatemyguts: at least you've got a super cute name ihatemyguts: if it'd make them feel better though, I'll come meet them or whatever tigerbalm: oh thanks x2 tigerbalm: that's so nice ihatemyguts: 'course ihatemyguts: who doesn't like shopping? inandout: I don't inandout: that much ihatemyguts: that'll be why you didn't ask yourself inandout: I would never third wheel your date inandout: very uncool ihatemyguts: well, if anyone does wanna come along, that'd be alright brainpain: happy to invite myself into any convo or situation ihatemyguts: 🤓 or 😎 ihatemyguts: you could do our makeup ihatemyguts: because not joking about the trainwreck it is when I do ihatemyguts: 🤡 not the theme brainpain: to avoid a spooky 🤡 resurge brainpain: I shall gotspoons: 😱😱😱😱 gotspoons: I hate clowns tigerbalm: SAME! my brothers love the 🤡🎈 films but I can't watch 🙀 gotspoons: Nooooooo gotspoons: even the advert was scary tigerbalm: ever since I went to the 🎪🐘🤡🍿 as a child I'm like traumatised inandout: once I got dragged along when my parents went shopping for a sofa and there was a clown there inandout: as a mascot or something gotspoons: 😭 THAT'S HORRIFYING inandout: fever dreams are made of this inandout: he kept trying to ruffle my hair ihatemyguts: definitely a bad omen ihatemyguts: that clown was there to warn you about...something inandout: I'm not classing it as a date though, you still get to go first inandout: the warning'll simply be my impending death ihatemyguts: your first bad omen ihatemyguts: n'awh inandout: cute, right? ihatemyguts: 🐭 🐹 🐰 inandout: 🐿🦔 ihatemyguts: 🦄 brainpain: sure, I'll chaperone you two brainpain: ✨ ihatemyguts: result brainpain: arms length, Zachary gotspoons: I feel like I'm on a dating site brainpain: there'd be way more fibros if we were gotspoons: I've never even attempted to date gotspoons: such a minefield brainpain: if you change your mind, I'll get my sister to list off which ones to avoid brainpain: she feeds me a new spooky story weekly gotspoons: see, it's bad enough without the added 'who I am' drama brainpain: get yourself a love interest with more 🚑💊💉 drama than you, that's what I do brainpain: you're the chill one by comparison gotspoons: Rich is still here lurking, you know 🤭 brainpain: he knows what we have is deep + meaningful tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: 👌 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: very serious brainpain: I'm coaching Rosie for her first venture into dating not discussing our lengthy but ultimately doomed love affair tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: doomed because 💀💀 or doomed because someone will join the group with ultimate 🚑💊💉 drama and better hair? brainpain: @Zach with that death clock bs brainpain: doomed cos you'll meet a hot 🤓 at uni brainpain: nobody has better hair than either of us tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Okay then, I won't be pre-offended and call you out on that nonsense brainpain: that isn't a promise that you'll still have time for me brainpain: we're all waiting, Rich tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: depends how hot and how nerdy this university girl is, of course brainpain: Profess your undying love for me or get out, honestly tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: 😏 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Rosie will shut it down again brainpain: 😉 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: She's a hater 💔 gotspoons: 😱 Rich! gotspoons: I'm very supportive brainpain: LOL gotspoons: 😥 gotspoons: I love love brainpain: you're a 🧸 brainpain: I love you, Rosemary brainpain: feel free to ignore my husband gotspoons: I ❤️ 🧡 💛 💚 💙 💜 you all too gotspoons: even if you test my nerves sometimes, it's only in a good way 😅 tigerbalm: So, if one of us had  a 'normal' crush, would that be doomed? tigerbalm: asking for a friend 😳 gotspoons: OF COURSE NOT gotspoons: you're beautiful gotspoons: spill spill! tigerbalm: there isn't much to say except his running route goes past my house tigerbalm: we've 👋 at each other but no conversation has happened gotspoons: HOW EXCITING ihatemyguts: You've gotta talk to him ihatemyguts: such a meet-cute tigerbalm: I have no idea what I would say ihatemyguts: a hello to go with the 👋 to start ihatemyguts: you'll know what to do tigerbalm: a 'how are you?' to follow but what then? ihatemyguts: something like...you run this route often? ihatemyguts: do you run anywhere else? ihatemyguts: are you single? tigerbalm: 🐱 gotspoons: Oh! gotspoons: What does he look like? gotspoons: Can you take a picture? gotspoons: No, perhaps not gotspoons: I've got snap happy now 😅 tigerbalm: I'll try if I can do it without anyone else noticing tigerbalm: it's okay if my cat judges me, but no humans tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: I cannot officially endorse this behaviour, ladies tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: but I'm sure he would be very flattered and consider himself lucky, Robyn tigerbalm: Oh Rich, you're such a big softie 😸 brainpain: LMAO brainpain: forget the boy, I want pics of your cat tigerbalm: [cat pics] 🧡 inandout: that is a potentially judgemental looking moggy, be careful tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: girl or boy? tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: he or she is very distinguished looking, I feel tigerbalm: me & my mum were feeling outnumbered, so she got adopted too tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: fight the power ✊ tigerbalm: I have rabbits too but they would probably encourage me, they're pretty naughty tigerbalm: for fairness tigerbalm: [rabbit pics] brainpain: I had 🐭🐭 as a kid brainpain: LOVED those critters brainpain: [picture of kiddo Lauren with mice on her shoulders] ihatemyguts: I wish I was allowed pets with fur ihatemyguts: scales only inandout: I'm not either inandout: my brother's allergic ihatemyguts: maybe we have the same brother ihatemyguts: slightly concerned now inandout: yours isn't as old as mine, we know that inandout: unless some kind of freaky time loop or something has happened ihatemyguts: I'm you in a parallel universe inandout: before I agree to co-sign, do you have any pets with scales? ihatemyguts: 🐉 🐲 inandout: cool inandout: I accept our parallel lives ihatemyguts: [pics of your dragons 'cos probably have one each lowkey] inandout: if I'm the only petless one in the "core" I will have to hang my head ihatemyguts: you can have joint custody ihatemyguts: don't worry inandout: pet names + a pet share? What a day ihatemyguts: v generous inandout: I'm making that discovery ihatemyguts: 🎁🔍 inandout: I wish we were doing a treasure hunt inandout: that's gonna be date 4 ihatemyguts: challenge accepted ihatemyguts: you gotta find the treasure outside then rehide it though ihatemyguts: more fun inandout: rules accepted ihatemyguts: if you happen to find 💰💎🏺🧭🔮🧿📿 then we'll bury it inandout: what happens if I find a 🗝? ihatemyguts: #5 finding the 🚪 or 🔓 it fits brainpain: Wait, how many dates am I chaperoning you 👶🤓s for? brainpain: gotta find a ✏️ to write this down ihatemyguts: technically, Zach wants to wait 'til he's not 🔞 ihatemyguts: unless you're well dedicated to protect and serve ihatemyguts: also plenty of time to lose that 📄 inandout: don't listen to her, the first date is Robbie's party and we've all 📅 ihatemyguts: might be a double date ihatemyguts: 💃🏃 tigerbalm: I'm so happy that you're both coming! tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Of course they're not missing the event of the season tigerbalm: 😸😺 tigerbalm: I better plan some more tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: It is your forte tigerbalm: compliments are yours tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: and hair tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: humility, less so brainpain: I can vouch for that being why we're soulmates tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: it's the way you can dominate a conversation tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: like a girl with something to say brainpain: 😏 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Tease brainpain: you'd be into it if I were tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: now she speaks 🤫 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: If Rosie isn't sleeping she'll be 😖 brainpain: I know how to behave, you're the bad influence here tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Gladly take that reputation tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: much worse could be said about me brainpain: catch that 2nd wave of drama when the haters log back in tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: I hope so brainpain: only cos you missed the kick off tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Not taking politics for nothing brainpain: they can 🔫 @ me if it means you get your 🎓 babe tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: long as I can 🛡 without being fibro about it brainpain: you did tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: 👍 gotspoons: I was thinking gotspoons: maybe if we make more boards for specific topics, that would be better? gotspoons: then the chat could be just that, a casual chat that isn't necessarily disability related but us related, as people gotspoons: what do you guys think? brainpain: I'm in inandout: me too inandout: I was gonna make a similar suggestion but it was my last idea that started everything earlier gotspoons: It's not your fault, Zach gotspoons: I just need to do some admin, update the site tigerbalm: I can help if you need any gotspoons: Thanks, Robbie

[bonesmctightass]

Hello! This is your resident Spones trash talking. On the venom au, would you be willing to write how Len met his favorite symbionte? Reactions and stuff... I've een dying to know how that went :) Love this au quite a lot!! Have a good day!

Okay so picture this. It's late at night. The kind of late where the only people walking around are drunken street urchins and strangers prowling for a cheap fuck or a hit. Leonard was one such lowly bastard. He'd tried to get Jim to come and get wasted with him but Jim just said, "No way, Bones. Your therapist says I'm an enabler." So he went alone.

Leonard wasn't a particularly rowdy drunk. When he'd overstayed his welcome at one bar he'd move on to the next. It wasn't like he had work to keep him sober anymore, so he was content to burn the midnight oil until he was too tired to stand upright. Just as he was walking along to the next block the ground beneath his feet shook so hard he almost fell over. It sounded like a meteor struck in the park at the center of the city. If he'd been in his right mind he would've let it alone and continued on his way. But he wasn't, so he didn't.

He couldn't very well walk all the way so he hailed a cab and shoved a fistful of dollar bills through the little window when he was dropped off. It was quiet. Almost deceptively peaceful. Leonard made his way through the thick thatch of woods just at the center of the park, fairly certain he wouldn't find anything but keen on the adventure of it anyway. He was just the right amount of drunk to think he was absolutely invincible. This was probably the most interesting thing to happen to him in a while.

And what if he did find something? Like an alien spaceship all smoking and hot from crashing through the Earth's atmosphere. He'd go up to it thinking whatever was in there was probably dead now. And he'd get attacked by a face sucker from the Alien movies and it would lay eggs in his chest and he'd become a fucked up human incubator.

"Yeah right," he laughed to himself. And just as he suspected, there wasn't anything to find. Just a crater. Maybe about the length of a minivan. It probably was a rock that broke apart on impact. Maybe he shouldn't have gotten so close, but he didn't really see the harm. And that's about when he closed his eyes. Or, more likely, completely passed out.

When he woke up the next morning he was face down on his own bed, still fully dressed and positively leaking alcohol from his pores. His head was pounding and the sun was way too damn bright. Everything from the night before was probably a dream. Leonard rolled himself into the floor and stumbled into the bathroom. God, he looked like a sewer goblin. He should probably take a shower. Had he paid the water bill? He couldn't remember.

He decided to just get his teeth brushed and plop himself down on the couch. After about five minutes he was feeling restless. The sudden uncontrollable urge to go for a run was so overwhelming that his body was already moving before he told his brain to do anything. It took him all of ten seconds to be out the door and on the street. He was jogging along the sidewalk without having any real idea of where he was heading and all he could think was, "this is weird."

Hungry!

"Jesus!" Leonard stopped dead in his tracks so fast he almost left skidmarks. Had his conscience always sounded like that? Maybe he was still drunk. He rubbed his face hard and continued down the street. A good cup of coffee, that's what he needed. Just a few shots of espresso to sober him up. Surely that would do the trick.

The line at the Starbucks was formidable but no moreso than usual. Leonard couldn't stand still. He was fidgeting with his shirt, looking around the cafe, trying to read the menu. Then he spotted the bakery display.

Want that. Give it to me.

Suddenly his body propelled forward, knocking him bodily into the woman standing in front of him. Before he even knew what was happening he was climbing over the display and shoving muffins in his mouth.  Wow, he was either really hungry or something was seriously wrong with him. "Sorry, just couldn't wait!" He told the barista who was absolutely mortified. Leonard laughed nervously and dropped a handful of cash over the counter before promptly turning and leaving the premises.

"Oh my god, oh my god." He couldn't believe he'd just done that. What the hell had come over him? Leonard needed to go home and take something then get right into bed. Maybe he'd feel normal after some sleep. That would do the trick. A nice long sleep, then it was back to business as usual. He certainly wouldn't be visiting a bar anytime soon after this complete mess of an afternoon.

When he'd returned to the apartment he went straight into the bathroom to wash his face. Maybe he just wasn't awake yet. That would account for the irrational and impulsive behavior. Leonard felt marginally better after the cold water woke him up a bit until he looked in the mirror. The thing that was staring back at him wasn't his own reflection. It was monstrous. Large and black, big white eyes.

With a shriek he stumbled backwards and fell out of the bathroom. This was crazy. Absolutely insane. Should he call someone? He should probably call someone. Jim. Jim would know what to do. Fuck, where was his cellphone? Leonard scrambled up onto his knees and lunged for the table next to his bed. He shoved things off of it until he found his phone under a stack of magazines. Just as he was about to unlock it and call for his friend, something jerked him back down onto the floor. The phone dropped out of his hand and skidded under the bed.

Leonard scrambled to get over into his back so he could see whatever was in there with him. The thing he saw in the mirror was looming over him. It was so much bigger up close. He wanted to scream but for some reason he couldn't.

Do not be frightened, Leonard.

It was way too late for that. He was scared shitless. Was this how he was going to die? Probably. Did he deserve this? Probably. Leonard was frozen into place, staring up at his captor. Maybe this was some kind of metaphor for the way he'd lived his life. Some kind of weird ass ghost of Christmas past bullshit. No, this was insane.

"This isn't real," he said to what he instinctively knew was an empty room. He was probably losing it. Finally lost his mind, completely off his rocker. He definitely needed to be committed.

I assure you, Leonard, I am indisputably real.

"Okay, sure," he said flatly. "How'd you get here without anybody seeing you then?" The creature leaned closer and opened its mouth into a lopsided smile. Leonard flinched hard at the sight of it's indecently sharp teeth and flattened himself to the floor as much as he could without physically becoming part of it.

You found me, Leonard. In the forest. I was weakened by the impact of the crash. I asked to take refuge in your body and you agreed.

Of course he did. Leonard was a fucking idiot. King of the idiots. He brought his hands to his face and rubbed his eyes hard. Okay, okay. This was happening. Actually really happening. "What are you gonna do, eat me?"

The beast paused as if considering. Seeming to sense Leonard's spike in blood pressure it backed up a fraction. I will do no such thing. I need a host to survive, Leonard. To kill you would also kill me. The journey here was far and I require rest. Time to heal unencumbered.

"Okay, fine." Was Leonard actually taking this seriously? He supposed he was. "Go back to where you came from, then."

Very well. I shall.

And with that, the alien seemed to liquefy on the spot. It became a puddle of sludge and slid it's mass over Leonard's torso where it seeped into his skin. Leonard bolted upright and practically tore his shirt off. He touched his own skin expecting to find something wrong but it was normal. It looked fine. Did that really just happen?

Yes, Leonard. It happened.

It didn't take a genius to connect the dots here. Clearly this… whatever it was… was using Leonard's body and puppeting him around to get what it wanted. He slowly rose to his feet and gave himself another once over. He didn't seem to be injured. A million questions raced through his mind but the only one he could think to voice was, "How do you know my name, anyway?"

I am inside of your body. I have full access to your brain. I know everything you know.

"Right," Leonard muttered to himself. "Course."