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what wld lovesick pav and gaya be like w a s/o who tries to be like, healthy in their relationship? like they're not the "i wanna get away bc this is unhealthy" type, but the "i will actively tie you both down and make you communicate your feelings and wants in a healthy way until we can all reach a mutual agreement" way
like the two reach the stage where they don't want their love to leave the house at all- but they kinda quickly shut that down and are like "nuh uh. i have a life, so either we talk it out and find something that works for me and you two or i stay out five minutes past the curfew you set just to make you squirm"
𝙒𝙤𝙧𝙠 𝙞𝙩 𝙤𝙪𝙩
Cw: poly!reader x lovesick! Pavitr Prabhakar x lovesick!Gayatri Singh, explicit talk about mental health
Notes: all I can think about is the reader spraying then with a water bottle like a poorly behaved cat
>You went out of the apartment to get the grocery shopping done, your partners had been behaving oddly, they were always very affectionate and loved being around you, but lately you feel like they have been neglecting their personal life in order to be together
>You left the house when they were taking a nap, you didn't feel like you were sneaking out, just that you were doing chores while they slept
>You think about this as you examine the red apples deciding if you should buy them or not
>Your phone vibrates and you answer to a preoccupied Pavitr, you apologize for not telling them, but you didn't want to disturb them, when you're about to hang up, he hits you with "just wait, we're on our way"
>You're a little confused and annoyed by having to wait for them at the market without being able to continue the list of home necessities, but you tried to be understanding, and thought that maybe when you got home, you could start a conversation about what you've been thinking the whole afternoon
>When they arrived, the outing went smoothly, and happily, like you're used to
>After you finished organizing everything on the shelves and pantry, you started the conversation in a pretty straight forward manner, you didn't want to dance around the subject and talk about issues like they're anything aside a from a completely normal part of every relationship
>You said you wanted to talk, and they were visibly nervous, however, complied
>"So I've been noticing that you don't want to leave the house, and that you get really upset when I do leave, and it concerns me, I won't force you, but I'm your partner too, I'm here for both of you."
>I think these two would be one of the easiest characters to pull into therapy and get them to work through their issues, something that's surprising considering they would never accept this if you were dating individually
>The challenge here is definitely Pavitr, because like I've said a million times already, he's extremely delusional
>So it'll be hard to even make him realize there's an issue with his obsession, also you'll need to reassure him that you're not rejecting his feelings, but rather just want to work through a more positive and healthy way of expressing and processing those feelings
>"But I love you, why don't you love me too?"
>"Of course I do, Pav, but love isn't supposed to hurt"
>Gayatri has a more clear vision of where these issues stem from and will be more cooperative with communication with time
>At first she's closed to the idea, but when she sees how much you care and that you genuinely want to help her, she lets her guard down
>If you respond positively and don't show signs of fear or disgust when she tells you about her feelings, you get to hear, the most gruesome parts, but far from scared, you're proud she feels safe to verbalize and recognize toxic behavior
>I think Pavitr would use mindfulness as a coping strategy for the yandere tendencies, and Gayatri would turn to writing
>Some of Gayatri's pieces are morbid, sure, but it's better than having her do it, you praise the effort
>Sometimes they still relapse and snap at you or get too possessive, but you're having none of it
>You set clear boundaries and as hard as that is, they understand that they'll lose your trust and love if they are unwilling to be better
>I think there's a solid 8/10 chance of fixing them
#atsv x reader#atsv pavitr#pavitr prabhakar#pavitr x reader#gayatri singh#pavitr prabhakar x reader#pavitr x gayatri#gayatri x reader#spiderverse pavitr#yandere pavitr#yandere pavitr prabhakar#pavitr prabhakar x you#pavitr Prabhakar x Gayatri Singh#gayatri singh x reader#pavitr headcanons
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Johnny's Bluffing
CW for discussion of potential sexual assault, toxic/unhealthy relationships, stalking, obsession, and, of course, murder and cannibalism. Nothing like, too crazy I think? But especially this one section on sexual assault, it's brief but separated out so it's quite easy to skip if that makes folks uncomfortable.
Hi I am currently in a really bad insomnia cycle and as such haven't slept so I'm sure I'm gonna have missed something that immediately prove me wrong, but here we go:
I don't think that certain members of the Family know that Maria is alive, and especially Nancy. This theory sort of delves into a lot of different stuff, I wrote and rewrote this a fair bit and idk, this is what I ended up with. It's a lot of my personal interpretation of both the written text and the way lines are delivered, as well as my own analyses on characters and how I personally think the timeline of events went (Danny and Virginia dying before the gang even show up in Newt, Maria being the 'Definitive Final Girl' and surviving to the very end, but never getting to escape the Slaughters/Johnny. That isn't to say that she dies, but Sally is the first and only person to escape until Stretch if she is canon to this timeline now that Choptop is on his way) so idk, I hope you like what I've been thinking about I guess?
Nancy and Drayton both have several voice lines that refer to Maria being in the past tense. So does Johnny, but my theory here is that he is playing into this line of thought so they don’t realise that he is still keeping her.
I will source my way of hearing all of the voice lines at the end.
Starting with Nancy, she has several;
‘It didn’t have to be this way, you know? You just had to come looking for that floosy of yours, didn’t you?’
‘Your little friend had it coming. Looking at my Johnny that way- he’s a sweet boy!’
‘You ever hear the saying murder starts in the heart? … I think my Johnny liked that girl…’
The first two are obviously extremely defensive over Johnny and are meant to taunt the other Victims over Maria’s ‘death’. The last one, however, feels almost like a realisation. This line has confused me for a long time, because it sounds like two different once spliced together, but they are, in fact, connected. This is the only time that Nancy ever speaks about Maria in any other way than pure disgust and defensiveness. Another interesting thing about Nancy is that she does not hate her husbands. She murdered all three of them, none of them were able to give her a baby of her own, and yet she defends them from Sissy, she keeps them all in her basement man cave, and even when talking to Hands, she’s apologetic about Harold to him. She still holds a fondness for them, it seems, and I feel like maybe this is what makes her finally realise that Johnny actually, truly loves Maria. For Nancy, she loves people to death, and that type of love extends to Johnny, too. Sure, he’s still alive, and could easily kill her now, but she permanently scarred his face when he tried to leave her. I don’t believe that Nancy isn’t above murdering Johnny to keep him with her, and I think this admittance leads to her realising that Johnny actually did love Maria. Of course, she can’t say ‘love’, that’s a bit too far, but at the very least, she will acknowledge that he likes her, and these days, Johnny doesn’t seem to like anyone, not even her. It’s also interesting to note that she says this after losing sight of a victim she was chasing. She says herself that she hasn’t hunted like this in a while, it seems as if physically chasing people down to kill them is making her reminisce on her feelings about murder and love in a way.
But all of that to say, she believes Maria is dead. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, she’s dead now, and maybe she plans to talk to Johnny about it later, maybe not apologise, but try and make it easier on him now that she’s realised just how much she meant to him.
Then we’ve got Cookie.
‘Look, I’m sorry about your friend… but… I’m afraid you done landed square dab in the shithouse!’
‘We didn’t have much choice! Couldn’t let Johnny spring no lovechild around here. It ain’t personal! Now get back here!’
There is obviously a lot less here, the former being Cook or Drayton’s more humble, car salesman type approach to everything, apologising sincerely that their friend had to die… but now so do they, so how sorry can he be, really?
The second is far more interesting. I’m still sort of working out the kinks with what I think on all this, but it implies not only that the whole family knew about Johnny’s feelings for Maria, but that there was a worry about something more than just his feelings. A genuine attachment, the possibility for a child.
Now, one thing I wanna throw in real quick is that a lot of people think Johnny assaulted Maria once he kidnapped her. And I personally don’t think that that is true. And it’s more than just ‘noooo not my pookie he would never!’, I feel as though Johnny’s feelings for Maria are beyond sexual, or beyond purely sexual. I’m not gonna get super into it because I wanna make a whole post about just their relationship, but in short, Johnny knows he’s hot shit. He knows women love him and men do too, and he uses that all the time to lure people to their deaths. Maybe he fucks them first, then kills them, who knows. But this is a man who is used to being sexualised and uses it to his advantage, like a reverse femme fatale, almost. A lot of his lines are sexually charged and he speaks seductively low at times, even flirting on the odd occasion. However, Maria is in love with Danny and is a sweet girl in the seventies. There is no way she’s heading off to knock boots with the pretty boy at the bar no matter how charming, persistent, helpful… always somehow exactly where she needs him to be… is. She’s kind, she’s sweet, she brings out the best in people, we know this about her. And when there’s no sex, when it’s not about fucking them and killing them… Johnny has no choice but to fall completely head over heels for her. It’s no surprise that the day she’s heading out of town, maybe to go back to see her boyfriend, that is when her car breaks down. Johnny’s oil stained gloves, the fact that he’s designed to look like he helps at a gas station, his friendship with Uncle Hands, the fact he lives in a junk yard? This man knows mechanics. He knows cars. And he is definitely not above tampering with an already busted old car to ensure it stops before she can get away from him. It’s just his luck that she happens to break down by his family’s land. All this to say, I don’t think Johnny assaults Maria once he has her. Not only because that would be a lot, like, in general, for this game to go from goofy cannibals to sexual assault by one of the game’s most beloved characters to one of the game’s most beloved characters, but because I don’t think Johnny is the type. He’s pretty and charming enough that people want him, he doesn’t have to take it, he earns it. And he wants Maria to give it to him, for him to earn it because she wants him. He likely spends his time down there with her trying to get her to fall for him and forget about Danny. He wants her to want him. Or at least, this is my personal interpretation.
Maybe she does begin to fall or maybe Drayton’s complete lack of any and all sexual knowledge just makes him think they’re already going to pound town, but he was worried about a baby. That’s something I wanna explore in the future, why he’s so worried about Johnny and Maria having a baby, but moving on; again, Drayton is seemingly fully convinced that Maria is dead.
For Johnny I wanna take his lines one at a time, but it is important to note that I think some of these lines are referring to someone else and not Maria, but also some of these are in present tense, he either slips up or sometimes on purpose mentions things that could hint to her being alive to the Victims.
‘You wanna know how your friend died!? … I can show you!’
‘Your little friend put up a better fight than this… come on! Make it interesting, will you!?”
Pure just bluffing to get them angry and scared. It could also be referring to Danny but more on that a different time.
‘That’s what I get for taking it easy on them. Time for them to join that little friend of theirs…’
‘You’re gonna look real nice next to that friend of yours…’
Again, if my belief that Danny not only went to Nancy’s a lot earlier than the others is true and that he has been dead for a good few days before the gang shows up, then this is absolutely about him, not Maria.
‘You kinda remind me of your little friend’
To Ana about Maria, obviously, and comes across as quite flirtatious. He’s figured out that not only does Maria have a sister (if she never told him), but that Ana has no intentions of leaving there without her. I interpret this as Johnny taunting her, making her his new priority to get rid of. I said he loved Maria, I never said he loved her in a healthy way, alight? This is The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, not the Notebook (never seen that movie)
‘You should have never came here looking for that girl!’
I don’t need to explain. Pure possessive Johnny in his raw form.
And finally, the infamous;
‘You know… I was actually kinda fond of that girl, I-I didn’t really wanna hurt her… but… family first, you know?’
Johnny is an agitator. Almost all of his lines are trying to fuck with the victims, playing with his food. Egging them on to hit him, teasing them about being too slow, the way he calls after them as he hunts them down, he wants to see them upset and charged, he wants a good fight, he wants to feel something. The main part of this line is just that, I think; he wants them to believe that even though he cared about Maria, he fucking killed her. He wants them to be angry, to fight him, to hurt him. The end is guilty. Incredibly guilty sounding, and I don’t think that’s out of a guilt for killing her, since… well, Maria is alive and kicking. But more a guilt about his family in general. ‘Family first, you know?’ he’s almost saying it so himself, as if that’s what he should think, what he should be doing. But he is actively betraying them and knows that once everything blows over, he’s going to keep on betraying them for every day he keeps Maria alive. And he also knows that even if he feels all of this guilt, he will do it anyway because he loves her, and he can’t let his family have her. She is the only person who is truly his, who represents what life could have given him. I have another analysis I made on TikTok that I’ll repost here soon, but it essentially goes like this; Johnny and Danny really aren’t too different. Scrappy orphans who are good with mechanics. Except Danny got to go to college, travel freely, meet the girl of his dreams, and Johnny is forced to be someone he doesn’t want to be. He isn’t not a killer, but he also could have not been a killer. Maria is everything he has not been allowed to have; naivety, kindness, softness. And now that he has her, and once everyone else is out of the way, he has no intentions of letting that go.
So he is pretending that she is dead. And for now, it is working. I have a feeling in the canon story of the game, the victims stumble upon her somewhere once they’ve already caused enough trouble for the family, and then all bets are off. Once they find out she’s still alive, it’s a new game for Johnny, a choice; does he kill her, make his mother proud and live the only life he knows because even if he leaves, he knows he can’t be any better? Or does he take her away and try, try to be a different man in the softness of her love?
Rush Week could be the result of either of those. Either he kills her, and becomes an even worse, even colder killer, now able to handle a situation like in the game completely on his own, or he takes her away to start a new life and just couldn’t stop the urges; the Bad Man needs to feed. He stays late after work or pretends he has a night shift and gets his fill on blood and chaos before stumbling home, washing it all off, and returning to Maria’s (definitely traumatised at this point from seeing her friends and sister murdered (don’t worry about Danny I’ve got thoughts on him shhh) in front of her and ‘rescued’ by Johnny) arms.
That was a lot... Please tell me what y'all think on this, again, a lot of my personal interpretation on a lot of things, but isn't that what art is for?
Sources for the voice lines:
Texas Chain Saw Massacre Game - Johnny All Voice Lines (youtube.com)
Texas Chain Saw Massacre Game - Black Nancy All Voice Lines - YouTube
Texas Chain Saw Massacre Game - Johnny All Voice Lines (youtube.com)
Promised I'd tag @bloodfeeder when I finished this so here ya go!! :)
#johnny slaughter#maria flores#black nancy#drayton slaughter#tcm game#tcm#rush week tcm#tcm rush week#the texas chain saw massacre game
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AITA for breaking up with someone over fishkeeping and cat food? I know how the title sounds but hear me out. This happened a couple years ago and I'm still friends with the people this happened with but it still weighs on me. So I have always been kind of militant about husbandry when it comes to the animals I keep(autistic, it' a special interest) and I don't really like to deal with people who don't take caring for living creatures they willingly bring into their home seriously. I sold a fish tank to my, then, partner J who wanted to get into fish keeping. J and D, our other partner, lived together. After taking the tank home and cleaning it up we were throwing around ideas for what to put in it. It wasn't too big but also not small, but he kept throwing out species that would far outgrow the tank or species that would fight and kill each other. Every time I shot these species down J took it well, realizing the space was either too small or they would die and didn't want the fish in improper conditions but D kept telling me not to "squash his creativity" and he could "do whatever as long as it made him happy". At this I obviously hopped on my soapbox about how it's our duty as animal owners to give the animals we keep proper conditions and D went absolutely off on me and mentioned how I care "too much" about how other people keep their animals and had always made her feel bad about how she feeds her cats and now I was doing this. For context my cat eats a raw diet. I did a lot of research and talked to my vet and he's doing wonderfully while one of her cats is extremely overweight to the point he waddles instead of walking and the other two are getting there as well, both of which I've brought up concerns about but I have NEVER shamed the way she fed her animals. She had been interested in the interest I had taken and had ASKED for better quality food recommendations, so I gave them, but NEVER told her she had to feed them a certain way. A majority of our conversations were just me info-dumping and her being happy to listen and ask questions occasionally. Anyway J kind of backed out of the conversation at this and D and I went back and forth a bit before D finally said "I don't think this relationship is going to work out if you won't let this go"(This being I have pointed out one of her cats is grossly overweight a couple times and it's extremely unhealthy, especially since he's aging now) so I said "Yeah I think so too. This is something I clearly care a lot about and I'm not going to be with someone who puts their own or their partner's feelings over the well-being of the animals they are responsible for"(referencing when she said a few times when talking about the fish that it was okay if the fish killed each other or died from improper conditions as long as J was happy with how the tank looked and "it's not like we're putting kittens in with sharks, they're Just Fish") and we broke up there and then. Since then we've still stayed close friends after a short break from each other(I'm actually her Man of Honor in her upcoming wedding to J!) and she's actually made moves to better the quality of the food she buys her cats and is working on getting her obese cat's weight down and J's fish tank hobby is going very well(with proper keeping standards!!). But the situation at the time still weighs on me and even though we're genuinely too busy with work and life to make a relationship work anymore anyway and that was also a factor of the breakup.... AITA for beginning a breakup over animal husbandry?
What are these acronyms?
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So I've got some Acolyte thoughts again after giving the last episode a couple days to percolate and talking to my partner about it. Spoilers under the cut.
So the thing about the characters we've seen die so far - Yord and Jecki - is that they are non-essential characters, in effect. They have a role in the story, but not a load-bearing one. The story isn't about them where the story emphatically is about Mae, Osha, Sol and our new Sith friend. The show is at its core about the relationships between these four people. It's probably going to spin off in some really wild directions given where the last episode ended, but Mae and Osha, Mae and Qimir, Mae and Sol, and Osha and Sol have so far been the primary defining relationships that keep the story in motion, and there's burgeoning hints at a pre-existing relationship with Sol and the Sith Lord and the last episode's ending strongly suggests a big part of the next episode is going to be about building on the beginnings of Osha's relationship with the Sith Lord that was established when she saw shit go down in the last episode, especially with the implications that there's more to the story of what happened to the witches that raised her.
So it makes sense for those two to die, as their stories are secondary to these four core characters who define the conflict of the show. They're secondary characters who have intrigue and are involved in that conflict, but they're not the ones guiding it, not really.
But what I find really interesting about this is that they are both very loyal adherents to the Jedi Order and the Jedi Code as it is understood at this point in-setting. Look at how they both are introduced. Yord enters the story reuniting with his old friend Osha. Where she greets him warmly and happily, he's very much all business and arrests her pretty much immediately without really bothering to listen to her or corroborate her story or check her alibi in any real way. This sets up his extremely by-the-book nature which, of course, extends to his view of the Jedi Code. Jecki, meanwhile, is introduced chastising her master for his nostalgic attitude towards Osha because to her it looks uncomfortably like attachment - as we know, that's forbidden for the Jedi. It also sets Sol in contrast as someone who has a bit of a less strict view of what is ideal in a Jedi and how one is supposed to act.
So when we lose them, we don't just lose two characters we'd really started to feel some affection towards, we lose our two characters who are most attached to the order's rules. And what we're left with is a Jedi school flunkout, everyone's new beloved Jedi dad who loves you in a way the Order doesn't seem to like much, the very face of unhealthy codependency, and a fucking Sith Lord. The least messy of these characters is clearly deeply wounded by the past and struggles to contain his emotions at times. And now, his emotions have become a huge part of the show's battleground, and he's lost the two strongest anchors to the Jedi way when he needs them most.
And while we're at it, it also deprives Osha of the same. When Yord comes to see her, she's genuinely excited to see him again and proud of him for making Knight. When she decides to leave before the Khofar mission, she goes out of her way to say goodbye to Jecki. It's clear the two have developed a bond over the course of the story.
All that's left for Sol and Osha is an existing connection they have with each other - the very connection the fallen Jecki enters the scene criticizing.
That on top of how this show is very interested in the Jedi Order and how it navigates is place in the galaxy - as both a religious institution and a political institution and the way those impulses conflict with one another. Already we've seen aspects of how scared the Order is of this getting out. And if the Jedi believe the Sith have been extinct for a millennia by the time of TPM, there's gonna be another shoe that'll drop - especially if Qimir is part of the Rule of Two's lineage. Either this will all get buried or we'll discover things are not how they seem in some other way.
This is gonna be real interesting, I'm sure.
#the acolyte#the acolyte spoilers#star wars#star wars spoilers#the high republic#yord fandar#yord the acolyte#jecki lon#jecki the acolyte
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Trapped and Dreaming Freedom
So I've been reading these two webtoons lately about female leads stuck in very toxic and unhealthy relationships (while being aware of it), and I'm loving every second of it!
If you know me, you know I just love a badass cool female lead and I also love seeing characters stuck in very difficult situations and watching how they use their brains and/or skills to get out of it, and both comics excel at these aspects!
First series is "Trapped", a comic about this taxi driver who got tangled by accident with a vampire who develops an obsession with both her and her blood after she manages to outsmart him a couple of times, something that hasn't happened to him in years.
It feels very "Tom and Jerry" with both characters trying to get the upper hand on their relationship, and you would think it would be super one-sided but vampires actually have quite a bit of annoying rules on how they work that severely limit their freedom and our female lead exploits as many of them as she can to make him eat sh*t! It's just glorious!
"Dreaming Freedom" is... somehow less dark, and at the same time way darker of a series.
It's not as violent or gory but it deals with more realistic problems that hit closer to home for some like school bullying, abandonment, harassment, family abuse, and so on.
The premise is that our female lead teams up with a guy that has the power to use dreams to affect people in the real world, and they use this ability to get revenge on all the girl's classmates that harassed her, but the more our female lead does that, more the male lead gets obsessed with her and we later find out that he has some serious anger issues making him extremely dangerous.
Our lead basically goes from "I can use him to get payback!" to "Oh my God, I'm the only thing that's keeping this dude under control and away from people!"
It feels like you're being handed a living knife that you just pray won't run out of control or turn itself against you. It's so uncomfortable but at the same time so thrilling!
While I really don't like when unhealthy relationships are glamorized and used to send some kind of "Oh, he's kinda dangerous... But at least he loves you, so it's okay, right?" message, I do like it when the unhealthiness of the relationship is the focus AND is painted as a problem that needs to be fixed.
I like how both female leads always call the male leads on their bs and keep them in check whenever they start going too far, and it's fun to see how they use them whenever they're backed into a corner by the antagonists of the stories.
Also like the themes these series explore, about how when you keep dealing with people that act like monsters you see yourself slowly turning into a monster yourself and start to attract other monsters as well, eventually making you question how far can you go? How far should you go? Can you get back from it? And so on.
But most of all, I like that both series make sure to show that these "bad boys" were their last freaking options. Not the first, not the second, but the very bottom of the barrel. They went to them only after they felt they had no other choices and were sure that nobody else would take their side.
This isn't just "Oh, I went to him because he's a hot bad boy", this is "The world turned its back on me so I'm gonna use the only cards that I have left."
They basically made a deal with their devils and now the fun is watching to see how/if they're gonna get out of it.
This is how I like to see problematic relationships. You don't paint them as something normal or something good, you paint them as a hardship that needs to be dealt with and use it to do clever commentary on the worst aspects of humanity so we can learn how to be better and as a source for good and intense drama to make us worried for the main characters and invested in seeing them get out okay.
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Otto and Atticus Lore 2: First Time-Mark
I'm going to be making a sub-series of "First Time" fics in the Lore series. These will feature the first time each of Otto's friends heard his hiccups and their reactions.
The other half of these stories will be a comparable moment between Atticus and Otto.
I do want to make some lore stories featuring Atticus' past, but Otto is easier for me to write, and Atticus' past will probably split from mine to accomplish more hiccup-themed stories from their past than I've had. (Atticus is braver that I was, and I imagine they have at least one friend who knew about their kink. But it's also tricky, because their past contains dysphoric things pre-transition. So, I don't have a plan for it, yet.)
I have no idea where this motivation is coming from and where this inspiration is coming from but I'm going to ride it as far as it'll take me.
CW:
Mentions of addiction to alcohol and inferring other substances.
Relationship ending between Mark and Jana.
Bros consoling bros
Morning cartoons
Mentions of Jana's trauma (briefly)
Mark's never-ending guilt and responsibility
Fast hiccups
Hiccups worsened by laughter
Hiccups induced by temperature
Inferring arousal and eventual action from arousal
Safe For Work
Back porch swing
Shared blanket
Hiccupy cuddles
Mild teasing
Mark's inappropriate joke
Otto laughing at Mark's inappropriate joke
Mark feeling real bad for it
Blaming coffee but coffee is innocent because coffee is always innocent
“I promise I’ll get out of your hair as soon as possible, Otto. I’ve already started looking at places,” Mark said as he brought in another box to take to the loft bedroom Otto had been so kind to offer when Jana requested him to leave.
It was early in the morning and the clock maker was watching the detective while standing at his kitchen island as Mark went back and forth taking his stuff to the bed upstairs. Otto had offered assistance, but Mark insisted that he enjoy his morning. Mark didn’t want to put him out more than he assumed he already had.
Mark had already been staying sporadically over at Otto’s as Jana got more overwhelmed with everything she’d been dealing with since she decided to go into recovery. With the lawsuit finally having reached the conclusion that the animal death was not the fault of Jana or her state of mind, it had been a wakeup call for the veterinarian that Mark’s worries about her health and her possible addictions had been more valid than she first gave them credit for.
The more Jana and Mark tried to stay together during the recovery process, though, the more it became apparent that both of them were being triggered by the other in unhealthy ways. Mark’s job was dangerous, and they discovered through couples therapy that Jana’s traumas were linked to losing loved ones to dangerous occupations.
After a long time talking it through with both the therapist and each other, it was decided that being in a relationship wasn’t a healthy place for Jana nor, by extension, Mark. Mark had agreed, but it wrenched his heart to have to leave someone he had planned to spend the rest of his life with. The guilt of possibly being the reason for the escalation of maladaptive coping strategies gnawed at him even more than he admitted it did while talking to Otto.
Otto assured Mark that Jana’s disease had nothing to do with him, but Mark held onto guilt more than anyone else the clock maker knew. The man could out-brood the most solemn of teenage heartthrobs. So, of course the first thing Mark said was an unneeded apology for accepting an offer Otto was all too happy to be able to provide.
As different as the two of them seemed to be, Otto knew that having Mark’s energy around was good for him. Knowing that he could have healthy and safe social relationships outside of AA meetings was extremely uplifting. Could the man do laundry or dishes to save his life? Well, no. But could the man literally save Otto’s life if there was ever a break-in? Having a detective as a housemate might come with that benefit, at least.
“I told you, it’s not a big deal, man! I’m happy to help. You sure you don’t need any help lugging those boxes. I do happen to have two arms and a pretty decent set of legs…” Otto said as Mark walked down the stairs and to the front door again.
“Only got one more box. The rest is going into storage next week,” Mark explained.
Otto sighed as he watched the younger man jog outside again and he went back to making his coffee.
When Mark finally seemed to settle down and collapse on the couch with a release of air that spoke more than just being tired from toting his stuff up the stairs, Otto walked over in his pajama pants and white t-shirt and offered him a mug of coffee as he sat next to him.
Mark nodded in thanks as he held the coffee in his hands and stared at the television he’d turned on, not really seeing what was on the screen.
“How’re you holding up?” Otto asked, his own coffee steaming from the side table he’d put it on beside him.
“I’m okay,” Mark said. “I’m fine. I mean...yeah. It’s-you know-but I’m good.”
Mark took a moment to meet Otto’s brown eyes with his blue, eyebrows suggesting distress as his mouth strained a hopeful smile.
“Wow. Yeah. You sound really good. You wanna try processing that with, like, complex sentences or…?”
Mark huffed and shook his head.
“Honestly?” Mark said and pursed his lips as he looked down into the steam dancing off the top of his coffee. “I think I’m too tired to process anything right now. And too riled up to try and rest. Does that make sense? I just...this is a lot. I don’t know what I feel except...a lot.”
“Yeah. That makes sense,” Otto said, nodding. “Well, what about we just sit here and drink coffee as we watch…” Otto looked over to the TV and raised his eyebrows “...morning cartoons!”
“You can-uh-change it if you want,” Mark said sheepishly.
“No! No no. I can watch this. Actually, I didn’t know they still ran Gargoyles. One of my favorites when I was younger. And X-men? C’mon, Saturday mornings didn’t get much better than that line up and a bowl of Lucky Charms,” he said, lifting his coffee mug and giving it an impatient blow so that he could drink it.
Mark laughed.
“Cheers to that, man,” he said, holding his mug up to Otto’s and Otto gave it a little tap.
For a moment there was a companionable silence. Otto simply existing beside Mark made him feel remarkably calmer. There was no expectation put on him. He wasn’t afraid of doing something wrong or saying something wrong. He could just be and not have to worry about some unknown set of consequences.
Then, as Otto gulped down the still-hot coffee, the silence was broken with sudden rapid sounds.
“HUP’K!HUP!MK! Shit, so-HMK!-sorry,” Otto apologized, putting a fist over his mouth in hopes of muffling the sounds, a quick start to a case of hiccups.
Mark hadn’t taken a sip of coffee yet as it seemed still too hot, but now watched his friend put his mug down so that the movements wouldn’t cause the coffee to slosh out. He watched Otto continue to ride through the fast hiccups, still audible despite how much it seemed he was trying to keep them on.
“Shit, you okay, dude?” Mark asked, taken aback by both the suddenness of the case and how violent they seemed to be.
“Yeah ju-hup!-just drank mk!mk!-my cof—coffee too fa-hump!-fast. Hmp!hmp!hmp!” Otto tapped his chest and shook his head, catching the concern and shock in Mark’s eyes. “It’s okay HUP! Happens some—sometimes. I drink i-hip!-it when it hmk!-it’s too hot. They’ll g-hulp!-go awa-hulmp! in a little wh-hup!-while! Hmk!mp!HU’UP!! Excuse me!”
“Damn, dude. Sounds like you have a drinking problem,” Mark said, immediately regretting the joke as his face fell in shock of his own idiocy. “Fuck. Shit. I’m sorry, Otto. That didn’t-I didn’t mean that!”
But Otto was grinning and chuckling the more Mark grew embarrassed.
“Seriously, man,” Mark continued even while Otto laughed, speeding his hiccups. “I would never joke about something like that! I don’t know where my head was.”
“Ca-alp!-calm do—down!” Otto said, taking a breath to try to slow his hiccups back down so he could talk. “Dammit you hup!hup!huk’p!-ma-ip!-made them wo-erp!-worse HUP!”
He tried again to calm them down through breathing to little success.
“Do you need anything like water? I really am sorry about that joke. I know it was insensitive,” Mark said.
Otto shook his head.
“N-hup!-no. Mk! I don’t—I don’t ac-up!-actually mind them. Huck’m!hulp! The joke was hmp!-was funny, man. Huck’m!hlmp!hmp!-uh. Don’t worry ab-hmp!hmp!-about it. I’m not that—that sensitive. HULP!” Otto explained while muffling a few more hiccups.
Mark’s eyebrows raised in disbelief.
“You really don’t mind them? It looks like you’re getting shot with a machine gun! They don’t hurt?” Mark asked incredulously.
Otto tried and failed not to laugh at the image of his hiccups being shot into his body by an old-timey gangster with a cigar hanging from his mouth.
“No,” he said, “pr—promise. Hmp!-hup’k!-hup! But-hup!-y-hmp!-you go—otta stop ma-hip!hip!-making m-hmk!-me l-hulp!-laugh, man!”
“Shoo! If you say so. They look pretty violent to me,” Mark said with a shake of his head.
“I’m fi-HUK’K!-fine,” Otto said. “J—just give me hu’ulp!-a few min-mp!-minutes.”
“Okay…” Mark said, still suspicious.
But as they continued to watch the cartoons Otto’s hiccups slowly started to settle.
At a commercial break Mark spoke up again.
“You know. Maybe you should cut back on the coffee. Could be the acid that’s triggering them,” Mark said.
“Coffee is hup!-is literally the last vi-hi’up!-vice I have left. HULP! I think I can deal with the HIC!-ups!” Otto said, covering his mouth and looking to Mark who was sharing his face of amusement at the unexpectedly loud but conveniently timed hiccups.
After a beat they both dissolved in laughter.
It took a few more minutes for Otto’s hiccups to go away after that, but he didn’t mind. Seeing Mark smile and laugh after he’d been so upset before was worth a few more diaphragmic spasms.
***
It was a chilly day and, for once, both Atticus and Otto woke at the same time. The couple decided to take advantage of the back porch swing they so rarely used. So, dressed in long sweats and wrapped together in a blanket (that was majorly on Atticus) they sat next to each other on the creaking wooden bench leaning back as the chains that suspended it swung it back and forth with the momentum created by the encouragement of Otto’s foot against the ground.
Atticus was, for once, not grumpy about waking up so early. They’d actually gotten very decent sleep and had learned to appreciate, infrequently, spending the morning with their husband. Otto had been telling them a little more about Jana and Mark’s history as the swing rocked.
He took a gulp of coffee and immediately felt a thump in his chest followed by another and then another. It was such a common sensation that, for a moment, he forgot how much more significant it was now that Atticus was in his life. He gave them a smile as they peered up at him a little shyly.
“Must be-HUP!HUP!-be the mk!-cold ai-hmk!-air mi-hip!-mixed with the HU’UP!-the hot co-hock!-coffee!” he mused.
The swing jerked, now, with the Otto’s movements. Atticus cuddled closer to their husband, luxuriating in feeling his stomach shake against them and watching his neck suck in as his chest thumped inward with each hiccup.
“Must be…” they said, trailing off with a smile.
Atticus and Otto continued drinking their coffee for a bit as they both anticipated their next actions. As excited as they both were, the feeling of closeness, the chill in the air, and the coffee’s warmth was enough for them to linger before giving into their desires.
“You know,” Atticus said teasingly, “maybe you should consider cutting back on that coffee a little. Has such a...violent effect on you.”
“You ki-hip!-kidding? HU’ULK!-uh. It’s my-mk!-it’s the only hu’up!-vice I have mk!mk!hup!-have left!” Otto said.
“Well, that and sugar,” Atticus reminded him cheekily.
“Ru-HU’OOP!-Rude!” Otto said, with a narrowing of his eyes.
That hiccup send the swing back a little bit more and encouraged Atticus’ hand to find his stomach in an almost greedy type matter.
“Besides,” Otto continued in a whisper as he brought his head down to Atty’s ear. “My HICK’UH! Hic-hic!-ups aren’t the on—only violent hulmpk!-rea-hmk!-reaction to come out of hu’uck!uck!-drinking coffee.”
Atticus took a deep breath as they shivered from a deeper place than the cold could have reached.
“Can we-uh-go back inside now?” the writer asked.
“Bed-hup!-bed roo-hmp!-room?” Otto asked feeling the flutters of his hiccups speed up at his own heightened excitement.
Atticus gulped down their coffee before saying, breathlessly, “Oh yeah!”
#hiccups kink#hiccup kink#hiccups#minors dni#non kink blogs do not reblog#hic fic#18+ mdni#otto and atticus#hicfic#otto and atticus lore#mark lore#jana lore#otto and atticus first time
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Okay, I want to make a post about Llourumi because I feel like people are too harsh on it, especially after Crystalized.
Harumi's not evil, I've made a post about this previously. She's misguided at the absolute worst. She thinks she's doing the right thing and once she learns she's been basically going after the wrong thing since the Devourer incident, she completely changes. She helps Garm and Lloyd defeat the Overlord, and, fair reminder, she basically SOLD HER SOUL TO THE OVERLORD FOR CONTINUED LIFE. She had pledged her allegiance to the Overlord in the most extreme way possible but betrayed him anyway, and you know what happens in those kinds of plotlines: person who sold their soul to higher power ends up DEAD. Not just this, but Harumi is shown in A Sinister Shadow to be just as easy to manipulate as Lloyd because of her ideals and the fact that she's so misguided, something the Overlord took advantage of.
NONE of this changes the fact that she did manipulate and abuse Lloyd, even going as far as to -- in my view -- sexually harass/assault Lloyd in Sons of Garmadon and Return to Primeval's Eye (saying this because she makes advances on him, both verbal and physical, despite him not being into it in that moment). She still abused and manipulated Lloyd, and Lloyd's still traumatized from it if his feelings about Vania at the beginning of Master of the Mountain are anything to go off of.
However, it's ALSO worth noting that Lloyd still feels attraction towards her. He still likes her romantically, to the point he risked quite a bit trying to find her in the debris of the building collapse.
Harumi's feelings for Lloyd are also implied to have been genuine, even if she was using it for her own gain. She cares about him enough that she tries to sway Lloyd to the Overlord's side instead of killing him like she was supposed to.
So what's my point here?
There's still mutual feelings between them both. Lloyd obviously has trauma to work through if Lloyd and Harumi are ever going to have a healthy relationship (probably Harumi too), but I don't think it's fair to immediately say their relationship is and always will be unhealthy. It's not fair to say their relationship should never happen because Harumi abused and manipulated Lloyd while she was under the impression that it was his fault her biological parents are gone. Their relationship is more complex than that, there are more nuances to it than that.
There's a lot of potential for a long-term story between these two specifically, a story I'd love to see get told. The desperation in Lloyd's actions when he tries to find Harumi after the building collapse that initially killed her almost makes me cry. These two have a story to be told. Their relationship -- in my opinion at least -- could absolutely be healthy at some point, and I'd love to see that story be told, whether through fanfiction or official media. There are nuances that aren't brought up. It's not a simple "abuser-abused" relationship for these two, like people make it out to be. Harumi was misguided and while it doesn't excuse her actions, it does explain them.
There are nuances in Lloyd and Harumi's relationship that aren't talked about enough, and I don't think it's fair to ignore said nuances in favor of accusing Harumi of being a terrible person for what she did to Lloyd.
I also don't think Harumi's personality as The Quiet One and as the Crystal King messenger is her true and honest personality. When she realizes she's misguided, her personality does a complete 180 and she's shown to be a nervous and shy person. I genuinely think that's her genuine and honest personality, not cruel and sadistic. She let her trauma and grief take over her, and it's never talked about.
There needs to be more discussion on the nuances with Llorumi and by extension Harumi, because both are very three dimensional, something I don't see talked about pretty much ever. For a fandom that realizes Ninjago grew up with its audience, it's really fucking sad to me.
#ninjago#lego ninjago#ninjago lloyd#ninjago harumi#llorumi#lloyd garmadon#lloyd montgomery garmadon#analysis#ninjago analysis
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I nEEEED to hear your thoughts on boss leader x mr Puckett PLLEEEEASE this crack ship is actually driving me insane I-…I don’t think it’s a joke anymore
Anon. Your mind. It’s an absurd and wonderful place. I love it.
Shipping a crackship as a joke is such a slippery slope, it happened to me with Lisa and Max, and NO ONE PREPARES YOU FOR IT. I don’t know what it is about shipping for comedic purposes that so quickly spirals into something serious that takes up all your brain space… but allow me to think about your newfound OTP from both a comedic and serious angle, because I’m actually kind of loving this.
The comedy angle is obvious. Max's future stepmom is a spirit obsessed with suitsies who spends her time either being super cryptic, or trolling everyone. Max's first meeting with BL is a tonal rollercoaster, she freaks him the fuck out by appearing out of nowhere, he makes some snarky jabs, and then shit gets SERIOUS. He's rightfully suspicious of her and the information she's withholding, but also willing to hold a conversation with her. All this to say that I think the whole taking-her-seriously thing would deteriorate the second she starts dating his dad. BL would try to bond and Max would just be yelling the whole time. Their relationship would not be worse off for it but I think it would stagnate. There's also the comedy of the ship itself, you have this immortal spirit woman who's been reincarnated a trillion times (?) dating some 30 year old freak running a 7/11. It's awesome.
Okay, let's take this seriously and think about it happening in canon. It would mean that Peter is a spectral of some kind, which raises the question of, did he know June was a spectral? Probably. In this scenario, would he have any way of knowing that BL was June's boss?? It has potential to get weird FAST, but that's kinda what I love about it??
Also, this is a ship that has June haunting it. Not maliciously, just, in the same way she haunts the rest of the narrative. BL and June knew each other - maybe Peter and BL would be able to bond over losing her. It's hard to say how much closure BL could provide Peter, because the details of June's death are still unknown. But at the very least I could see this relationship beginning as a shared catharsis between the two.
Wouldn't it be interesting if Peter wasn't a spectral before the comic's present? He becomes a spectral and suddenly has access to this world his wife was a part of, and that he had no idea about. Spirits are real, and he's one of the spectrals, and many of them knew June. I keep thinking about Peter meeting BL in a dream world and losing my MIND.
In terms of like, actual romance romance, I think they'd be tentative. BL has enough tact to not push Peter too far, and June's death is still fresh for the whole family. Also, Peter has his kids to think about - one of them is a spectral and has met BL before. You kind of have to be careful when navigating a spectral's world. And Boss Leader is still THE boss, you know? She's caring for an extremely powerful spirit, is HERSELF an extremely powerful spirit. Peter is just some guy. I don't think they'd be UNHEALTHY, I just think they'd have to be CAREFUL.
Their relationship would be completely different from June and Peter's, and that's not a bad thing, it's even by design. But that also means things would turn out differently, Peter would treat everything differently.
I think I've hit the point where I've begun to ramble but I'm sure there's more I could say about these two. This ship is such an interesting thought experiment... it being canon would shake everything up but I think I would love the melodrama of it all.
#paranatural#boss leader#peter puckett#june summers#maxwell puckett#i didnt have much to say about how zoey would fit into this particular family dynamic because she isn't a spectral#but that's another point of complication - peter would want to be honest about who he was seeing#but zoey LITERALLY can't see boss leader#anyways anon if you have any thoughts on them yourself PLEASE let me know about them#you've gotten me HOOKED#anonz#pnat shipping asks
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I have to say, I kinda love the dynamic that's brewing between my MC and Doc. Like at the beginning my MC had that whole flirty demeanor and basically hit him with the "Look I'm hot and that's the main thing I've got going on" + some dumbass energy (THE DRUGGIST DIALOGUE LMFAO) and Doc was unimpressed 💀 But funnily enough now that I've acquired the Medic Identity with my guy I can't wait until Doc discovers that the gremlin is closer to having sworn the hippocratic oath than him 💀💀💀 talk about books and judging covers and such.
I wonder tho (unrelated), what's the romantic experience of the RO's so far? Without getting specific or in spoiler-y territory of course!
I genuinely do not know how I neglected to answer this omfg sorry anon </3 (this ask is from like a week ago) I ALSO LOVE YOUR PC'S DYNAMIC WITH DOC. That sounds hilarious lmao
As for your unrelated question... what's the romantic experience of the main characters so far?
KC: Less than she would let on, lmao. She will, like, tell stories that sound like they're from two different relationships but they're actually from the same person, or imply she was dating somebody but actually just slept with them once, that kind of thing. Very unreliable narrator, keep that in mind
Yasmin: Also pretty limited. She's had flings with some people, but she's got high standards and most people don't meet them, so she's rarely had a long-lasting relationship.
Doc: He's only had one romantic partner, it started as an accident, and it didn't end well. That was years ago. He's been content to focus on his work since then.
Levi: He's never had a romantic relationship. His relationship with Aldrich might be best described as queerplatonic in a modern setting.
Yvette: He has had every experience under the sun. Love, loss, extremely unhealthy relationships (lotsa those), weirdly normal relationships (one or two of those), purely sexual relationships, romantic relationships, you name it and he's probably had it.
Malik: ...they've had a couple pen pals they were close to, does that count?
Wolfe: He had a couple girlfriends as a teenager. Can't maintain a stable relationship for obvious reasons.
Aldrich: No
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I am one of those nonnies who enjoys reading your and EssayofThoughts' contrasting opinions. I love how the CR community's fanfic writers are all friendly with one another despite differences in headcanons; y'all make nonnies like me feel comfortable with asking fandom questions cuz you're so darn awesome~! So, my question for today is... what is your opinion on... virgin!Percy? Both in your fics and in canon?
Hi anon! I wouldn’t say we *all* know eachother - there are several I admire and haven’t had the guts to start a conversation with yet lol - but I’d say there’s a nice lil nest of Campaign 1 fic people who are really great to chat with! The last few asks like this I’ve gotten, I’ve immediately jumped into Essay’s dms all ‘GUESS WHAT I JUST GOT :D’ lmao, I’m glad we can provide interesting dialog! <33 Our opinions are generally pretty similar, just differences in degrees.
Now, for the question itself - I honestly don’t really have any strong opinions on Percy’s level of experience? Bla bla bla virginity is a social construct and all, and I can see the strengths to both.
On one hand, Percy is fairly introverted, and could very easily have avoided the entire issue while in Whitestone and had enough trauma regarding the whole ‘was actively tortured’ thing to not be comfortable sleeping with someone. So him not having any prior experience could make sense! You also get to add even more newness to his relationship with Vex, on top of them navigating romance together.
On the other, he was also a noble, and curious as hell, and we know Julius frequented brothels, so if he wanted to give it a try or two it would have been extremely easy. And/or, following the Briarwoods, he could have had some major unhealthy coping mechanisms.
As someone holed up in a lab much the time, on the autism spectrum (which I project a touch onto Percy) and with intimacy issues of my own, I do personally try to lean away from making scientist or autistic-vibes characters into these beings with little to no sexual desire of their own. It’s… a messy issue, but I personally bristle a lil when the default HC for someone similar to me is ‘ah, virgin who is distanced from such Basal Desires until their more sexual partner introduces them to The World of Pleasure’. So I usually lean towards ‘eh an okay amount of physical experience, but little in the ways of emotional connections’.
Glancing at my fics, I think in every universe I've explored so far Percy's had some experience, just about as much as he'd like, except even less than usual in Get your hands dirty due to the whole 'Riza Hawkeye-esque tattoos of forbidden knowledge' shit.
TLDR: both virgin!Percy and not have their own strengths relating to what you’d wanna emphasize with his character in a given fic (isolation and trauma and Newness vs curiosity and/or terrible coping mechanisms and/or diversity in neurodivergent rep*). I personally lean towards the later, BUT it’s not something that I will die on a hill for or think about too much.
Just have fun with it and think through why you're making Percy one or the other in a fic, and remember virginity is a social construct and complete bullshit! :D
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So it begins
Many times in my life I tried to keep a diary. It's such a fad when you're a child, it's just what people do (usually, what girls do). It was an attempt to recognise my own emotions as a young adult of 23 years of age. Now, nearing my 30s, it is a gift to my future self.
Possibly, this is the right reasoning to make the habit stick and to shut down the overthinking that usually stops me from posting things. Let's try to be positive this time. And on Tumblr because that's how we roll.
This didn't come out of nowhere, of course.
One month ago I was at a traditional Bosnian wedding. After the bride and the groom had their first dance, the best man dragged me to the dance floor. Throughout my life, I've been known to not be the dancing or partying type. There's an aspect to identity which is reinforced by the context, be that people or places, in which we are immersed in. I've found that one of the wonders of changing surroundings and peers so often is that one can more easily let go of such constraints. At that moment, the once so self-conscious me was nowhere to be found. No one pointed out her absence. Not the audience nor the dancing partner, for no one there knew her. Amen.
The dancing continued for hours and I felt myself improve. Could it be due to alcohol? Most likely, yes. It did seem extremely logical to my inebriated mind, however, that I and the best man had compatible ways of responding to each other's feedback in ways that helped us improve, and that this would translate well in a relationship. Absolutely moronic and just enough to generate interest.
Coming back, we decided to meet and he showed me his private blog. Smooth. He cooked for me, we drank, we danced, we sang, we connected. Coming from a different field and social bubble, his views challenged me but in a non-aggravating, refreshing way.
The lack of empathy that tinged his comments at times scared me, as did the gap between our financial situations. I hate imbalances, they pave the way for unhealthy dynamics. These stopped me from going all in but seemed resolvable with good communication and organisation. With continued communication over the next days, came the sinking realisation that:
Either he was used to putting in less effort into relationships than me, or
He had lost interest within 1 or 2 weeks but continued talking to me
And with either case, I have decided, after almost 30 years on this Earth one of my requirements is for someone to actually love me back. Earlier this year I decided I needed to be attracted to someone to start a relationship. We're really going places in 2024.
He revealed that he truly wasn't interested in a romantic relationship, which wasn't much of a surprise. Still, it made me feel a hollow type of pain which was unnexpectedly overshadowed by a sense of inner warmth and peace throughout that weekend. On the afternoon of that Sunday however, I realised that I saw the moments in which we danced and sang together with immense fondness and would miss them dearly. Two activities that I have not been comfortable doing around anyone else.
Something in me told me that our interactions would survive and there was hope for us to do that again, platonically. Therefore... I asked him if we ever could repeat that in a non-romantic way. Maybe he interpreted that as me having a hidden agenda to seduce him but I cannot be damned and don't think this is a good time to explain why I also wouldn't pursue that further. That would seem very salty and this is far from what I feel. I suppose people are not used to direct expressions of "pure" intentions.
His reply gave me hope that we could enjoy each other as friends in the future and I'm glad I asked. I also need to take my time to recover until that can happen.
In the meanwhile a friend has given his opinion on the whole ordeal and has said that the guy was most likely intimidated by me intellectually (*laughing track in the back*), and that I sabotage intimacy with nervousness by acting cynically - making the other person feel insecure. Shots fucking fired!
Things learned:
Dancing is actually nice.
Blogging seems to have its benefits.
Seeing potential is not enough, the other person needs to see it too.
I will only pursue someone who I am attracted to and that is head over heels, insanely in love with me, is caring, passionate about their interests, open-minded, witty and is into mutual support and growth. Is that too much to ask for? Apparenly, yes.
I thought I was being annoyingly vulnerable and found out I have to be yet more vulnerable. This is horrible news!
My blogging endeavours are, therefore, an STD from a situationship. Alas, that situationship is no more but the damage is done.
Contagious, nasty stuff that stays after the heartbreak.
I want to use this to process my feelings and thoughts and to entertain and shape my future self. I want to remind her what it's like to be a bit of a fool and to remember the mundane but magical moments of my present.
Days of morning exercise before work. Indulging in treats from the local café. Laidback interactions with colleagues. Intellectual stimulation from podcasts, audiobooks, scientific papers and discussions. Watching the night fall on the London skyline in my flat while debating whimsical and grotesque would-you-rathers with my lovely and deranged flatmate, sitting next to a needy Bengal cat. We're watching some Western with Javier Bardem. God, I hate cowboys.
I'll cherish these moments forever.
XOXO,
Ms (not-so-audacious) Amadeus
#blog#diary#i can feel signs of love from the universe but it wouldn't be too bad to detect it on people as well sometimes#no complaints though
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oversharing 🫶
it's always weird talking abt my childhood bc i experienced like... two extremes? my parents broke up when i was two (they had me at 17 which is probably relevant) so i have no memories of living with both of them. i stayed pretty much full time with my dad up until i was 7 where my mom got custody and i would only have weekends at my dad's (for a while i think it might have been one out of two weekends but i really wasn't doing well with that so they changed it... i honestly don't rmbr much about that time but i think that's what it was) and like... at my dad's i was very well cared for and honestly super spoiled. i was very happy there bc i could do pretty much whatever i wanted, it was kind of insane (there were limits obviously but they were very far limits) but my mom was broke and irresponsible and neglectful and kinda abusive. generally very unstable. and like i lived with her up until i was 14 when she kicked me out and i went back to my dad's (he didn't live w my grandma anymore by then and my uncles were doing their own thing so i wasn't overly spoiled anymore thankfully) but yeah like. it's weird bc it wasn't a full time shitty childhood, i always had my dad's place to look forward to at the end of the week? and i still have trauma but it feels less legitimate to me bc i *did* have regularly have an escape from it
the one thing in common with both though is a bad relationship with food but that too is two opposites end of the spectrum. my grandma overindulged me and let me eat unhealthy food all the time and never rly tried to get me to stray from comfort foods and she gave me BIG portions. and my mom forced me to eat foods that would make me throw up and there often wasn't enough for a second serving if i was still hungry (that's when it was still good tho. towards the end she pretty much wasn't feeding me at all so my grandma sent me back with big lunches for the school week and i would ration those out... i remember doing that often but idk if it was all the time)
even the locations were very different. my dad lives in a pretty nice suburban area (well it was nicer then) and my mom in kinda crappy city apartments
it kinda feels like i've always been torn between the two. i used to have this irrational fear of the end of the world as a kid and i think part of why it distressed me so much was that if it happened and i died i would either be with my mom or with my dad never with both and i literally cried about that so often
that's without mentioning the fact that i had siblings at my mom's and i was made to parent them whereas i was an only child at my dad's until i was 15
yeah idk
#maybe i DO need to go back to therapy#ummm disordered eating warning probably don't read this. emeto mention too
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survey #200
Where were your parents born? Mom is from New York and Dad is from Ohio.
Have you ever used public transportation to get to work? No.
Who in your family has the coolest job? Idk, honestly.
Have you found your first gray hairs yet? No.
What is your favorite food to put gravy on? I hate gravy.
Do you know anyone from Canada? I do! My ex's best friend had a long-distance relationship with a Canadian, and during one of her visits, Jason and I hug out with them. We're still Facebook friends, I like her a lot.
What's your opinion on astrology? If you want my honest opinion, I think it's laughable to even consider. Take responsibility for your own actions and feelings.
Do you use TikTok? No.
Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now? Yikes, no.
Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys? Doesn't matter to me. I'm less shy and awkward around women, but.
Are you good at hiding your feelings? NO
Can you drive a stick shift? I've never tried, so no.
Do you care if people talk badly about you? I wish I didn't, but I do.
Are you going out of town soon? No.
Does anyone hate you? I'm sure.
Do you think you'll be married in 5 years? I feel like probably.
Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship? I've been in the same relationship for two and a half years.
What’s the best part about school? Regularly seeing friends. It helped to fight my social anxiety/reclusiveness and stuff.
Do you have any pictures on your Facebook? Yeah, I've had the same account since I joined as what, a pre-teen? Oftentimes I want to make a new one, however I've liked so many pages (primarily for memes) that I don't want to start over lmfao. LITERALLY the main reason I don't start fresh.
Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school? I didn't; I was a teacher's pet very keen on not causing trouble.
Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive? That would be my mother, and it'd be quite problematic if I found her attractive in the way you're talking. I think she's beautiful, and her smile is the greatest one in the whole world, but there's no sexual attraction there.
Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Yeah. It's way healthier and deeper with my mom, but.
How do you want to die? Old age, I guess. Surrounded by family.
When was your last physical fight? Never.
Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? The longest I've stayed up consistently is three days, because I was manic.
Ever made out in the bathroom? No, that sounds so uncomfortable to me lol.
Are you scared of spiders? In general, no. I've come to love them. HOWEVER, they can still startle me if I'm not expecting one. As animals though, they're lovely and EXTREMELY interesting!!
What is/are/were your best subject(s)? English/writing, art, and German.
Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? Yes. It's a shitty feeling.
Do you have trust issues? Yes. I do think they've improved, but they're still there for sure.
Favourite food? I'm so unhealthy dude, I would straight-up say chocolate, but let's be real, that's not a proper food. As far as "real" answers go, cheeseburgers, probably. Still unhealthy.
Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Hell fucking no. I think what's happening in Palestine as we speak is enough fucking proof of that. Whoever has the fucking audacity to say things like kids getting cancer has a reason, how fucking dare you.
Is cheating ever okay? No, it's not.
What makes you happy? Seeing any footage of meerkats.
Is there anyone you would die for? There's honestly a lot of people I would die for, deadass.
What’s the best news you’ve gotten lately? Um... I'm not sure?
^And, the worst? My mom's cancer is back; there's a new growth in her abdomen that will require surgery to remove ASAP. I've been really struggling with it, like we were fully aware it was GONNA come back at some point, her diagnosis was too advanced not to, but I'm still scared. I'm SO convinced I don't have much time left with her, because of course a scan revealed its return AFTER she had to stop her cancer med because it's been three years, and continuing it would put her too deeply at risk for bone marrow cancer, which would be way bigger of a problem.
Do you like getting dressed up? Rarely.
Would you be embarrassed to find out you snored loudly in public? I would be mortified, probably.
Are you reading any books at the moment? Yes; it's Sign of the Moon in the "Omen of the Stars" plot arc of Warriors by Erin Hunter. What a mouthful.
When was the last time you had a tick on you? It's been years, probably. I'm like, deathly afraid of ticks, so I avoid areas where I know they'd be common. It's a fear I need to get over though since I aspire to be a wildlife/nature photographer, and also because I DESPERATELY want to be a herper when my legs are more reliable. I regularly have dreams about herping, this isn't just a shallow want, I feel like my fuckin soul wants it.
Have you been to the Grand Canyon? No, but I'm dying to visit one day.
Do you like grapes or raisins better? I only like grapes, raisins are horrendous.
What is the picture on the desktop on the computer you’re using? A meerkat among flowers that I edited to be light pink.
Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? No, this is a terrifying concept to me.
Do you believe in ghosts? Yeah. I don't know how aware I think spirits are, but I definitely believe in the remnants of sentient life existing in SOME way.
Would you ever stay overnight in a haunted house? Oh fucking totally.
When was the last time you had an injection? What for? When I was at the ER for an asthma attack, I think. I had so many needles in me that night lol.
Is there anything you cannot wait to be over? Yes, this struggle to find a medication that helps my depression and its symptoms, especially anhedonia. It was recently decided that I'm going to retry Latuda and Lamictal, which was my absolute miracle combination in 2017, however I eventually became immune to its effects, hence why I stopped. It apparently is possible to lose immunity to these kinds of medications though, so we're HOPING that'll be the case for me with the combo that literally saved my entire life.
What was the last thing you had done at the dentist? Hmmm... I feel like it was a normal cleaning?
Does your best girlfriend have any talents that you don’t? She is a BRILLIANT makeup artist.
What color eyes does the last person you kissed have? Brown.
Did your parents ever read stories to you before bed? My mom did.
What are you listening to? I'm watching/listening to a Gab Smolders Dark Souls LP.
Do you like hickeys? I only mind them if they're in obvious spots that make them publicly awkward lol. Otherwise, I'm a biter so I can't say shit lmao
Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for? No, not anymore.
Do you have any summer plans yet? No.
Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry? Oh boy, he's seen me full-on fall apart.
Are most of your friends guys or girls? The majority of my closest friends are actually nonbinary.
Who do you text the most? My mom.
Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already? I don't think so, but ESPECIALLY not if it's a very young baby. I am not meant to be a parent figure.
Do you miss your last sweetie? No. I sometimes miss how tight our friendship was, and how at home I felt around her in person, but do I miss our relationship? No. She took a toll on my self-worth; Sara made me feel very annoying on far too regular a basis.
Would you rather be anorexic or obese? Hey have you heard of going to fuck yourself?
Do you know anyone who is pregnant right now? Yes, a woman I took pictures of once because she's the friend of a regular client I had.
What’s your favorite alcoholic beverage? Sangrias.
Do you play any games on your phone? Pokemon GO, DragonVale, and Amaru, if you count a self-care virtual pet.
Have you ever shaved your face? I use a mini razor tool on my upper lip and chin, where I'll have dark hair.
What was the last vaccination you got? Covid, when it was a newer thing.
Do you have a brother? Yeah, Bobby.
Would you ever have a bird as a pet? I can't imagine myself with a bird.
Have you ever had to speak at a funeral? No. I don't think I'd be able to, I'm too emotional, I wouldn't be able to get words out.
When was the last time you saw your father? A week ago at my youngest niece's birthday party.
Any time when you need to search something on the Internet, which search engine do you use? Google.
Do you believe in saving your virginity for marriage or no? Marriage is literally a ceremony and that's it. Nothing important has truly changed, save your virginity for someone you love and feel safe with, otherwise who fuckin cares.
When you open your web browser, what is your home page set to? Why did you select this? Google. I think this laptop just came that way, and I've had no reason to change it.
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11/16/22
Okay two things just happened. One - I went outside to smoke and saw an inch of snow on the ground. The skateboarder in me cried because the skatepark is no longer really skateable for him. The snowskater in me beamed with joy. Thank god I reconnected with snowskating, because it reconnected me with skateboarding, and now I have an active sport to do all year long. Except for mud season. Mud season is the roughest by far. But I get a lot of creative work done during mud season, so it evens out.
Two - I opened my Betterhelp app to see if I could turn my app notifications on for once! I get fucking spam email notifications and telemarketer calls every damn day, but I don't get notifications for when my therapist responds to my messages. I gotta sit down and do something about that. And while we're on the topic, fuck anyone - and I mean anyone - who thinks I'm going to buy their product or service in order to stop them from annoying the shit out of me. "Pay us and the kid we paid to sit behind you on the airplane will stop kicking your seat at full strength." Fuck off with that shit. Please. So, I couldn't find the notification settings, but I did glance over the first two paragraphs of his message and it was a big breath of fresh air. Like being stuck in a stuffy, dusty, animal and dander filled apartment for 4 months and then sitting cross-legged by a beautiful river and breathing in the fresh air. And it just hit me... "fuck, I've been just surrounded by people from unhealthy families and relationships. And so few of them even know what a healthy relationship looks like, or think it's like... fiction or something. Like it's just something you see on TV or something." It sucks, because I just want to shake people and go "of course it's possible! Just do it! Just act like those characters! Who cares if they're fictional, they're mentors!" But, they just resist, or come up with reasons not to try. Ugh. See? I get a huge breath of air and it's like... "oh shit, not only do I deserve better than this, and it's not normal, but... I should have better than this? And... I can have better than this? And better than this is actually... available?" And I start beaming with joy and excitement! How fucking incredible life is going to be when I'm in a healthy relationship with someone who wants to work and play, but mostly play. :D But the downsides come with it, too. The whole, you can't save those stuck or trapped in misery. And it's just... yeah. It becomes the weight around my neck, the ball and chain around my ankle. Trying to save people, and suffering with them. So maybe I should try to reconcile this, unite the two, evolve them together. To inspire others to pursue healthier relationships and a happy life, to show them that you can break free. You can start over with nothing. Instead of just trying to coach them. Lead by example.
I think that could be an important shift in my life. But it requires confidence, extreme confidence. And I'm desperately low in confidence lately. Without exaggerating, I put together like Sims-esque (Rimworld, in my head) Need meters for myself. A prototype on paper, I want to make actual adjustable meters out of cardboard and mount them on my wall so I can gauge how to manage my needs the way I trained to through video games - by reading a meter and then performing tasks to balance that meter. Minecraft hunger bar, health bar, that kinda shit. Fuck if people call me nerdy or stupid or whatever, they're just being a loveless bully. My need meters that I settled on for now are Food, Water, Sleep and Confidence. That's how important it is to me. I genuinely believe that it's one of my core needs. And I think Willpower is on there too, but I haven't really gotten that far yet. So... generating confidence is super duper motherfucking important for me right now, and I think it is for a lot of trauma victims. I'm starting to notice that it's almost more important for me than Sleep. Like... let's use this stupid anxiety about being 100% presentable for a goddamn phone call to set up a state inspection appointment as an example. With this problem, which fucked up my life for like 3-4 days... if I pull an all-nighter, but I still have a bunch of Confidence? I'm good to go. If I'm absolutely starving but I have a bunch of Confidence? Totally fine. Dehydrated as hell, but still Confident? Not a problem.
So here's where my sleep schedule stuff comes in, I guess. Am I not going to bed until 4-6AM because I'm afraid of being alone? Because I don't feel safe asleep at night with no one watching the house? Or is it because I'm just getting lost in time doing things I really enjoy at night? And because I just do stupid chores and fight with my family during the day? Maybe that's what I'm avoiding? I mean... my life is super fucked up because I'm not awake during the day and have no one to help me make appointments and shit. Everything in my shitty town of 4000 people closes at like 9 or 10. I am not fucking kidding. There is one convenience store that I used to be a Night Shift Manager for (big fucking surprise there!) that was open until like 11. That's it. The general store up the road closes at like 7 or 8, and they have fucking self-checkout! They could totally stay open later! Ugh. So when I start going nocturnal, it starts getting super hard to do shit with day people. Like... let's walk through what my day will be like tomorrow for example, and keep in mind, I'm getting to bed early tonight.
After writing this, I like to read it back, to hear what my brain sounds like and familiarize myself with how my thoughts look and read-back in writing form. It's a weird thing, and it really helps you get to know yourself, so I'd really recommend it! Especially if you're a writer. But do keep in mind that this is entirely stream-of-consciousness, that means no edits - which I sometimes do, and I'm not too happy about it, but usually its because I have a few different sentences going at once in my head and they can kinda overlap sometimes. Like I'll use synonyms and stuff for that. And spelling errors. But reading back stream of consciousness writing that you did honestly is a great way to get to know yourself and how you can sound to others if you're like 100% honest. It just takes a bit of practice to get your typing up to speed with your thoughts, if you're not the fastest typist. I still struggle with that, and I type all weird.
So when I'm done reading this back, however long that takes, I go to sleep. So... it'll probably be around 4:20? 4:30? Then I'm probably asleep within 15 minutes. I've been falling asleep really well lately, I used to really struggle with that the most, I think weed and journaling are helping tremendously, like better than 2mg of Xanax tremendously. So we'll say sleep cycle starts at 4:30.
I don't lie to people, and I try not to lie to myself, so I need a good 8 hours of sleep to be fully rested. XD So I'm getting up at 12:30. That's pretty damn good. When I got to sleep at 7, that number goes to 3PM real quick. So getting up at 12:30, I need a shower - which is usually about half an hour and I really don't like saying fuck it and skipping because I get in bad habits and I have a recurring bacterial infection so I really need to be showering daily for my own physical health to keep that in check. That's half an hour at least, I fucking love showers and sing in them every day. I cannot stress enough how much I love singing in the shower, and how absolutely revolutionary the invention of waterproof bluetooth speakers has been for me. I used to carry a boom box into my bathroom and play CDs in it while I showered, a little chargeable bluetooth brick speaker is a godsend! So a long shower is a non-negotiable with me unless I have an appointment or something. Coffee and cat food is first though. So after my shower and food it should be around 1:30ish. On a 7AM day, that's now 4PM.
If you want to go to an actual store (that isn't the one grocery store) or make an appointment or something, you need to get whatever you need done that day done before 5. That's like... universal "we're fucking off and going home" time. Which is coincidentally also around sunset this time of year. So on a normal day, day activities include: windows to make appointments, store runs/trips, hiking time, skating time. So if I want to go to the river for an hour or so, on a 4:30AM day... I can usually get back from the river around... 3? If I'm just doing the hour. And then I still have time to spare to set up appointments and stuff. Same goes for the skatepark. But on a 7AM day... it starts getting dark when I'm in the woods, or at the skatepark. And there's 0 time for going to the hardware store to look for a chisel, or stone polish, or woodcarving tools. No time to set up my car appointment, or vet appointment. I have to choose. Do I want executive functioning stuff, or do I want exercise and nature. Fucking duh, I want nature and fun and exercise. So... I've struggled with that a LOT over the past few months, in my grief periods I struggle with it by far the most. Maybe it's a depression thing? Self-soothing? Maybe.
So obviously the daylight hours are valuable to me. They are time I spend in the world. So why do I spend so much time awake and active at night? Why am I up until 4-6 AM like every night. Why am I not even tired until then? I ask because I do need to fix my sleep schedule this week for the meet-and-move-in next week. And the car appointment. Oh yeah, I got both of those set up. Monday and Tuesday. So I have to be up and at the car dealership, drawing on my hoodie in their service department waiting room, at 10AM on Monday. Then up in the new city around noon the next day. Which means on Tuesday, I really should be up around... 8:30 or 9? And that's super rushing the shower. So I really do need to fix that schedule. So... I really can't figure out the why I stay up all night thing. Maybe it's because the daylight is so valuable to me, like... it's my nature time, and I don't like the idea of being indoors and working when I could be outdoors and having fun. Like, I'd much rather be out at the river gathering stones during the day, even in the winter, than indoors sanding stones during the day. I feel like most of my night time is spent working. It's very quiet, there are few distractions. I can work for many hours straight without a text or a call or a phone notification. Especially if I have a game like Rimworld (the day/night cycle in-game throws off your sense of time) or if I'm watching long-form media like a several hour livestream. I can easily draw, sand, carve, weave, whatever for hours at a time and have absolutely no awareness, and there will be no consequence for it. And the whole process is enjoyable. Like... it's a no-brainer, right? Night time is awesome, honestly. I really do enjoy it. It does get a bit lonely, and I'd love company sometimes, but man, I get so much done at night.
So... I guess I've found out a bit about myself here. Maybe I'm not afraid of someone breaking into my house and murdering me in my sleep. Maybe my best hours are currently aligned with 10PM-2AM, the timeslot of my radio show in college. The timeslot of my old livestreams. Maybe those are my work hours. I mean, that's a long-ass shift for live performance, meticulously detailed nature illustration, hand-sanding stones and hand-carving wood. I do get my best work out of that time slot. At least, I have historically. But having those hours just really suck life-balance-wise. It made me dependent on others to help me with daytime stuff, since my environment is very hostile towards night people. I mean... they barely even have public lights out at night, it's a bit much.
Welp, I wrote a ton and I'm reeling myself back in because I said 4:30 earlier, it's 4:30 now and I haven't even started reading this back yet. So let's fix that. This whole scheduling thing can wait until tomorrow, I will get on it then.
Here were today's cool things. I embellished 3 of my favorite mineral specimens by adding in facets on the existing edges. I beveled the edges, basically, and they look fucking really goddamn good now. It's hard to do them justice in a picture, but if I manage to get a good picture I will post it. I made at least 4 new wooden beads and set up a clamp vice to mount my wireless dremel. It worked beautifully and I actually got to wood-turn with knives and the pieces came out really cool! I'm very happy with them, and I'm excited to find smaller sticks to work with so I can do this more effectively. I set up a meeting with my new landlord company representative or whatever, it's set in stone now, a week from today. I did some tarot study, set up a google docs with all the card names in it. Then under each card, a detailed description of the art, concepts represented by the card's symbol, and a specific personal memory/event that would be represented by that card. I think this is going to be a much better way of learning Tarot, one that few people actually commit to doing because... it's really personal and it's not easy, it's kinda like therapy. I did the 5 of Swords and the 6 of Swords today, which was actually pretty emotionally difficult. 5 of Swords is a pretty fucked up card. I'm sorry. Death is like... everyone makes a big deal out of it or whatever. The Devil and The Tower are usually scarier to me, but like... I think 5 of Swords is super unsettling. Maybe it's just because of my personal experiences and traumas. 6 of Swords was much more uplifting, literally. It's about persevering through chaos, trusting your wits and clarity to guide you to peace ahead. 5 of Swords is about conflict, control and questionable ethics. At least in my deck. I'd like to keep studying the deck this way, and just pull a few random cards every day and study them until I get through the whole deck. It's a cool project, I really enjoy it. It also snowed, which was exciting, I saw snowplow lights and I felt like a kid on christmas morning. But I didn't go out and skate. I know the snow is too wet, I know I don't have lights for it... probably. But I'm really goddamn excited to go snowskating soon. :D
I think that's most of the positive stuff.... oh wait! I placed an Amazon order! Cuz... confidence! Fuck it! I really would love to buy from local people, but man... I've just been struggling with that, okay. So I just bought some shit. Because last time I went to the hardware store looking for stone polish, they just googled it right in front of me and went "we don't have it". Big waste of time. So I got 2 kinds of stone polish to try out, I got some collets for my rotary tool that hopefully fit. If they don't... whatever, no big loss, it was like 5 bucks. I got more incense! Yay! And some new essential oils which I'm pretty excited about. Different types of wood scents, I think that will be nice, especially to mix. And I got beeswax too! So I will be able to polish all of these stones, even the quartz, to a nice mirror shine. And I'll be able to seal the beads and stain and maybe even scent them too. And if the collets work, I have a lot of dremel bits that I will finally be able to use after like 3 months of putting this purchase off. And my new place will smell like nature, which I would really like.
So yeah! Lots of good things today, I'm very happy with it. The darkness always comes creeping back in, of course it does. But the light was shining bright today, and I'm very glad I committed so much of myself to generating these beautiful things!
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Joke's on you, my friend (Part 1)
Fandom: All of us are dead
Pairing: Gwi-nam x gn!reader
Summary: After your childhood friend suddenly starts to avoid you, you can't help but blame him for ruining what you've once had. But when the world you know comes to an end, you'll get one last chance to fix things between you. Will you take it?
Word count: 3.8k
Warnings: angst, childhood friends to enemies, swearing, zombie apocalypse breaking out, graphic descriptions of zombies, some gore, major character death, themes of unhealthy/one-sided friendships, mentions of bullying, mentions of death and blood
A/N: No smut this time, who would have thought! On a more serious note tho, this is based on a real life friend I've had when I was younger, tho obviously it wasn't as extreme as it is portrayed in this story. Fun fact: I originally intended to end this in a different way so if you'd like a part 2/ epilogue let me know :) Also this is the longest fic I've posted so far, so if you read it till the end, thank you <3
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"Fuck this, fuck him, fuck everyone!"
Ignoring the risk of getting injured, the fact that someone might hear you and probably already has, and putting all superstition aside, you made sure no mirror was spared as you let all rage consume you inside the tiny bathroom. Seven years of bad luck, even multiplied by the amount of mirrors you've broken already, didn't sound bad right now. You could handle that. You could handle the consequences of your own actions.
What you absolutely couldn't handle however, was the fact that, within minutes, your whole life got destroyed because of one insufferable asshole. You didn't even regret smashing those mirrors, you could only imagine how crazy you looked at that moment, hair disheveled and tears running down your face. But who the fuck cared anymore?
Certainly not Gwi-nam. No, he was most likely home already, laughing his ass off with his idiotic friends, remembering your confused expression when you entered the classroom two hours late and got kicked out by your teacher while everyone was staring, trying to contain laughter. You knew how fucking happy they must have been seeing their class president arriving late to the most important exam of the year. The one that you cannot retake unless you repeat the whole year. They loved watching you fail, watching you get humiliated like that, after years of living in your shadow.
The more you thought about it, the harder it became for you to stay mad at them however. Admittedly, you weren't the best class president, nor the best classmate in general. Focused on your career goals, you've never bothered to make friends at your school. Always keeping to yourself, never helping out others - even during group projects you'd rather do all the work alone than spend any time with them.
You didn't go to parties or sleepovers, nor did you do the whole dating and relationships thing. To be perfectly honest you've never expected your classmates to achieve anything in their lives, you didn't consider them a competition at school and definitely not for a future job hunt. You would be surprised if most of them even graduated at all.
You couldn't help but sigh at the thought. How ironic, considering the fact that now you were the only one not graduating. Karma truly is a bitch.
But having to repeat the year wasn't the most painful part of this whole situation. Nor was it your classmates turning on you and happily witnessing your downfall. No, what hurt you the most was Gwi-nam's betrayal. The two of you have been friends ever since you could remember. Both coming from rather dysfunctional families, you clicked almost instantly and for over a decade you had each other's backs, no matter what hurdles life threw at you.
All of that suddenly changed when the both of you started college. Pretty much overnight you were deemed too uncool to be seen with and instantly replaced by a bunch of cavemen, driven mainly by their libido rather than any goals or ambition. You tried to salvage this friendship, you really really tried. Afterall, for many years he's been the only good thing in your life, a safe space, your best friend. Your only friend. You'd basically beg him to at least spend time with you after school, you didn't mind pretending to be strangers during classes but you couldn't stand the thought of him being gone from your life entirely.
Despite your pleas, despite your threats and bargains, he wouldn't budge. Every single time you'd try to talk to him he just laughed, his eyes and tone ice cold. You'd ask him why he's treating you like that after years of friendship, why you're less important than some people he's met a month earlier but an answer never came, the conversation ending the same way each time - your tears, his laughter and disapproving looks from anyone who happened to be around you.
It took you months to accept the new reality and move on, but you've never understood why he acted that way. All you knew was that this guy might have had an appearance, voice and style that resembled Gwi-nam's but it wasn't him, it couldn't be him. It wasn't your Gwi-nam at least. You spent hours, maybe even days staring into his eyes when you were younger, you knew him better than he knew himself. But looking at him now, years later, you didn't recognize the person in front of you anymore.
Taking all of that into consideration, it would be an understatement to say you were surprised when, one day, the communication between the two of you suddenly resumed, as if nothing had ever changed.
Because of your declining health you were forced to skip school for a couple weeks, something you've never thought you'd do, but between your health and career, the latter was definitely less important than the former. Your school didn't offer homeschooling and, due to your nonexistent social life, you weren't exactly receiving any offers to help you out with the classes you missed out on, so, even though you'd honestly rather crawl back to school on all fours, you had to turn to the one person you were hoping wouldn't reject you despite your failed friendship. Yoon Gwi-nam.
You spent hours nervously pacing around your room, trying to gather the courage to text him. Calling him was out of the question, nothing in this world could prepare you for that, so you decided to do the next best thing and send him a message. It was already well past your usual bedtime when you finally managed to put together a perfect message, after typing it out and deleting it right after a dozen times. But if you thought putting your thoughts into text was anxiety inducing, you couldn't even begin to describe how you felt after pressing send. Suddenly time slowed down, minutes lasting for what felt like days.
No matter how hard you tried to pretend, you weren't ready to read his reply. If you were being completely honest, you didn't even expect one in the first place, so when your phone lit up with a new notification, you got startled, waves of anxiety and embarrassment hitting you repeatedly. So many questions went through your mind all at once, it was hard to focus on just one. Did he read your whole message? Did you take him by surprise or did he expect you to reach out to him, since he knew you weren't talking to anyone else? And most importantly, would he actually agree to help you or did you just make a fool out of yourself again?
Finally deciding against waiting till the morning to open his message, you clicked on the notification, only to see his, more than disappointing, one sentence reply.
"k, i'll come over tmrw"
You put the phone down with a long sigh. Really? That's all he had to say? After all this time he couldn't even put a little bit of effort into his message? Oh well, at least he responded. And he agreed to help you as well. Or at least that's what you were hoping for, why else would he come over? He didn't visit you since.. No, you didn't want to think about it again. It was late, you were sick and you were tired. After such a long day, you could only hope for a better tomorrow.
The next day came and went, Gwi-nam's visit much less eventful than you anticipated. You spent the whole day trying to make yourself look halfway decent and prepare to face him once again. Practicing in front of a mirror, you tried your best to organize your thoughts, turn them into coherent sentences and explain exactly what has been on your mind, in a calm and collected manner. The last thing you wanted was to break down and start crying in front of him.
But when he finally showed up at your doorstep, you didn't even get a chance to say anything. He handed you the notebooks, briefly explaining what they've been working on for the past couple weeks, and then left, not sparing you a single look or a word of apology. He repeated this for the next few days - he'd show up, pick up his stuff and then come back later to let you know what happened at school that day. He'd never go beyond that, never ask you how you were doing or why exactly you stayed at home, never mentioned anything that happened between the two of you. If you were being completely honest, you started questioning if you were ever truly friends. Even if it didn't work out or he didn't feel like continuing whatever you had, was it really necessary for him to treat you like that? Like a complete stranger?
A million questions in your mind, your anxiety skyrocketing every time Gwi-nam was about to come over. You were really hoping these visits would help you get closure, finally feel at ease but they turned out to have the exact opposite effect - you felt uncomfortable, anxious and sad every time you looked at him, the realization that you were never going to go back to what you once had, hitting you harder every single day, until you finally accepted it. There was no point in wasting your time and energy on him anymore, as difficult as it was for you to move on. But there was still one thing you wanted to ask before you closed that chapter forever.
"Why are you helping me?"
Gwi-nam stopped midway to the door, slowly turning around to face you again. It was supposed to be his last visit, since you were going back to school next week, so you decided to take the chance and finally confront him, even if the outcome wasn't going to be pleasant for you. It was still better than nothing and you knew that with school ending soon you wouldn't get another chance.
"What?"
"Why are you helping me with this stuff? I thought we weren't friends anymore?" You knew the last question came off as passive-aggressive but you didn't really care anymore. He's said much worse things to you in the past few months, and in front of other people too.
"Don't be ridiculous. Who else were you going to ask for help, huh?"
His words hurt. You knew he was right but that didn't make it any better, nor did his visibly annoyed expression. It was clear he wasn't enjoying this unexpected conversation.
"So you're doing it to feel better about yourself? What about all the times you've insulted me or made fun of me in front of your cavemen friends? Did that feel good? Because it sure didn't for me. I hope you'll get a good laugh out of it and it'll help you pass the time while you repeat the year, asshole.."
Gwi-nam stayed quiet, clearly taken aback by your sudden outburst. You weren't planning to scream at him like that but you were bottling up your feelings for way too long. You finally snapped and, as embarrassing as it was to show him your weaker, more vulnerable side, you felt relieved to finally let it all out, no matter how it made him feel.
"You know.." he finally spoke, his tone serious like you've never heard it before. "maybe if you cared enough to look up from your books sometimes, you'd realise why I didn't want you around anymore. Goodbye y/n."
Leaving you shocked and speechless, Gwi-nam made his way to the door again before turning around one last time with an innocent smile.
"Oh, and don't forget about the exam next week, at 10 am."
Thinking about it now, after calming down a little, maybe he wasn't completely wrong. Maybe he had a reason to resent you, maybe they all did. You've always acted like you were better than your classmates, like they weren't worth your time or energy, without ever even making an attempt to get to know any of them. You were so sure they were the ones that needed you but within a couple minutes they managed to prove you wrong. Fuck, you've never felt this shitty before. Because of your own ego you've lost the only friend you've ever had, all the friends you could have made and a chance at graduating. And on top of that you'd have to pay for the damages you've caused. You'd probably scream your head off, if all of this didn't give you a headache.
Right as that thought crossed your mind, a loud, almost unnatural sounding scream came from outside the bathroom, startling you. It was quickly followed by one, two, three more, until the whole school was filled with a cacophony of piercing cries and screams full of despair. Unsure of what was happening and how you were supposed to react, you decided to leave the safety of your hiding spot. Maybe it wasn't the smartest idea but at that moment you hoped that whatever was going on, you'd be able to survive it, leave the building and go home.
Oh, how wrong you were. How naive. And you didn't even have enough time to regret your choice or realise what was unfolding right in front of you - the second you stepped outside, you were met with tens, dozens of..what you thought were people at first but after taking a closer look, you weren't so sure anymore. Their bodies and faces horribly deformed, certain body parts either missing or mangled, clothes ripped and covered in blood. The screaming and crying didn't stop either. No, it only grew louder, stronger.
Surrounded by a chaos you've never seen before, you just stood there, body and mind completely frozen. What was happening? Who..what were they? Why were they attacking each other? What were you supposed to do? There really wasn't anywhere you could escape to, dead bodies and those..creatures blocking the way wherever you looked. You thought about fighting them, at least for as long as you could find an exit or another hiding spot, but you quickly realized that whoever or whatever they were, they were much stronger, faster and had way more stamina than you.
Still, there had to be something you could do, right? You refused to just give up and let those monsters kill you, despite having very limited options when it came to hiding or defending yourself. In fact, there was absolutely nothing you could use, except an old broom resting against the doorframe.
"That'll have to do, I guess.." You weren't sure but you had to do something, at least try. You've had your whole life ahead of you, so many dreams and goals, you didn't want to accept that it could end just like that, you couldn't accept it.
And so, terrified to see the full scale of the situation, but determined to fight for your life, you grabbed the broom and you ran. As fast as you could, as far as you could, trying to avoid any contact with the creatures. It was a difficult task, considering the fact that their only goal, only purpose seemed to be catching and devouring you.
At first you thought they were simply killing anyone that got too close to them but no..the truth was much worse. The creatures didn't seem to care whether their prey was dead or still alive, they consumed whatever they could put their mouth on and when they got you..You'd come back as one of them, no matter what state they left you in. It was terrifying, horrors you couldn't even imagine before, playing out right in front of you, in a place you've always considered a second home. Sometimes even the first.
So you ran and ran, not looking back and barely aware of what was awaiting you wherever you ended up going. The creatures weren't smart, that much you knew, but they were strong and there were so many of them, more than you could count, which made hiding pretty much impossible. Every room, every corridor, every tiny little nook was full of them. After a while of this never-ending race your legs started to give up on you, your health still not at its best, but even when you were struggling to move forward, struggling to catch your breath, you didn't want to stop.
You'd crawl if you have to but you won't let them have you that easily. You most definitely didn't lack the determination but you were running low on energy, getting weaker and slower until finally the inevitable happened. Your whole life flashed before your eyes, a terrified scream slipping past your lips as you were grabbed and pulled into the nearest classroom. Screaming and thrashing around, you tried to push the attacker off but to no avail.
"Shut the fuck up, you're just gonna lead all of them here you idiot!"
"G-Gwi-nam?!" You gasped in shock, unsure whether you were happy you were still alive or angry at him for scaring the life out of you. What was he still doing at school anyway?
"No, Santa Claus. Of course it's me you dumbass. And instead of yelling, you should thank me for saving you. If it wasn't for me you'd have your head bitten off by these freaks by now."
"Thanks..I guess.." You were thankful, you really were. But it was hard for you to face him again, after everything that happened on that day. Though..maybe it didn't matter anymore. Maybe he was right. All that mattered was that you were still alive. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I managed to hide here when shit hit the fan. But we shouldn't stay here, it's too dangerous."
"So..what now?"
"We need to get to the rooftop."
"The rooftop? What for?"
The look he sent your way made you regret asking any questions. And so did his answer.
"Fucking hell..I thought you were supposed to be the smart one here, but since that's clearly not the case, listen carefully because I'm not going to repeat myself. Shit is going down at our school and someone is going to notice it sooner or later, if they haven't already. So, when they send help, we need them to see us, know that we're here. The rooftop is our best chance at that. Understood, class president?"
You nodded, your face hot with shame and embarrassment. His words cut deep but you knew he was right. So, for the first time in your life, you decided to let him take control and trust him, forgetting what happened between the two of you, at least temporarily. Right now Gwi-nam was your only chance at surviving, you'll worry about the rest when you're both safe.
"Aight, let's go then."
Trying to stay together and stay aware of your surroundings, you left the empty room and made your way to the rooftop. With newfound energy and an ally by your side, you felt safer, more confident, fear slowly leaving your body. The two of you quickly found a rhythm, working together and supporting each other - it almost made you feel like back when you were kids, always having each other's backs. Maybe it was silly, especially given the circumstances, but with the way he held onto your hand the whole time, never letting go, how determined and confident he was, Gwi-nam almost seemed attractive to you at that moment.
"You're being stupid, focus y/n!" You scolded yourself in your thoughts. This was important, this was life and death, even a second of hesitation was something you couldn't afford. Neither of you could.
After what seemed like a century, you finally managed to get to the stairs leading to the rooftop, but with the both of you out of breath, completely exhausted and struggling to run or even walk fast, and an entire horde of the creatures behind you, determined to drown you in the sea of half dead bodies, the future didn't look too bright. It was clear that you wouldn't be able to run for much longer but luckily for you, you somehow made it to the door. However, once one problem was solved, another one appeared.
"It's locked.."
"What the fuck do you mean?"
"It's locked Gwi-nam, the door is fucking locked!" You screamed, feeling the tears you've been trying to hold for so long, finally escaping and running down your cheeks, onto your ripped shirt.
This was it. This was the end. There was nowhere else to go.
"Come on, you have to try harder! See if you can find anything to break it with, I'll fight them off for as long as I can."
How Gwi-nam managed to stay so calm and collected, you honestly didn't know, but he proved to you that he wasn't as weak and pathetic as you thought he was. You underestimated him your whole life and you knew it was stupid to think about it now, that you were both about to die, but you couldn't help it. You had to say something, let him know how much you regretted treating him like he was worse than you and, as a result, ruining your friendship. Because him saving you, risking his own life to protect you and take you to safety, made you realise one thing - it wasn't him that caused your friendship to end, no. It was you. And you knew you were not going to get another chance to apologize.
"Gwi-nam.."
"What the fuck are you doing y/n?! Go back there and open the goddamn door, are you deaf or stupid?"
"Gwi-nam, there is no point. The door is locked, there's nothing I can do. But I have to tell you something before we die, I'm-"
"Die?" he cut you off, a big smile spreading on his face. You've never seen a smile that cold and emotionless. At that moment he almost reminded you of those monsters downstairs. "Sweetheart, I'm not dying today, oh no. Don't take this the wrong way, I am happy I found you when I did. Finally, you'll be able to repay me for those years I've wasted trying to be your friend. Trying to be your equal, despite you letting me know every step of the way that I'm not. That I'll never be as good as you, at anything. Even if I try."
Before your brain could process his words, he grabbed you by the shoulders, a firm grip making it impossible for you to escape or push him away.
"Gwi-nam, what are you-"
"I hope it doesn't hurt too much." Was the last thing you heard him say, before he pushed you down the stairs and into the sea of starving monsters, ignoring your screams and cries for help. His sadistic smile only grew bigger - afterall, he's been waiting for this moment for months, maybe even years. He came prepared and he won.
His plan worked.
#all of us are dead#all of us are dead netflix#all of us are dead x reader#all of us are dead fanfic#yoon gwi nam#yoon gwinam x reader#gwinam x reader
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You said that you like sufin/finsu only in sertain ways, could you tell what those are
(Asking because I feel that too)
Love your content ❤
Well... I should probably preface this by saying it's not as prevalent in the fandom nowadays as it used to be a few years ago (wait, does 2012-2016 still count as a few years ago? anyway), but I still notice traces of it in new fanworks as well. Also, please note English isn't my native language, so I apologize in advance if my explanation is a bit clumsy.
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Anyway, my biggest issues were/are with how the fandom portrayed (and still sometimes portray) Finland as the "damsel in distress", wife and/or mum. He's not. Finland is a man, and should be treated as such. If anything he'd be a husband/partner, dad/papa or simply "isä" (which is Finnish for dad).
Just as anyone else Finland has his strengths and faults, but it got/gets really annoying when everyone treated Finland as that old and bad stereotypical "the woman of the relationship" who basically spent all his time going: "Oh, Sweden, I've been terrified of you my entire life, but now when you suddenly kissed me I realized it was love all along!" in fanworks.
. . . Yeah, no. That's not SuFin. At best that's an unhealthy relationship and should be tagged as such.
For anyone reading this; It doesn't matter if the other person has good intentions or not; never enter or stay in a relationship if you're afraid of the other person(s). It's not healthy or fair to any of you.
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Then we also had/have fandom portrayal of Sweden. Sweden was an old bad stereotype of "the man of the relationship" and/or just generally a complete monster and forced various things with Finland. Or he was put in the role of "the poor bullied sad teddybear who could nothing wrong and gets beaten up by evil Denmark", on top of almost always being written as basically being owed Finland's love.
Never any middle ground on any of them, even in the few works who reversed the roles. They just went changed the character they slapped a role on and just went to the extreme the other way instead.
And don't get me started on if you liked Sweden and/or Finland romantically with someone else. SuFin-shippers could treat you as if you had just killed their whole family in cold blood.
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So, when I say I only like SuFin in "certain ways"... I suppose I basically just mean fanworks which treat them as people, with both their strengths and faults and no one forcing the other to do something. For them to actually be treated as two men who actually LOVE each other; without one being an old and bad stereotypical "the woman" or "the man" of the relationship, and/or one being afraid of the other.
Now in Hetalia canon Finland is a cheerful, sweet, but a little weird man who sometimes becomes a bit intimidated when he doesn't understand what Sweden thinks/mean, but he's also someone who keeps pointing out that Sweden is KIND and not actually angry. Finland actively helps and defends Sweden when other people and nations become afraid of him. Additionally Finland has canon good aim and also great physical and mental strength. He's someone who has plenty of canon friends outside the Nordics as well - such as Estonia and Germany just to mention 2 of them.
In Hetalia canon Sweden is a bit of an awkward, shy man who has an intimidating face and difficulty expressing his emotions. However, he's also a former Empire who wasn't afraid of walking across the sea ice in the middle of a blizzard in order to headbutt Denmark in the face because Den annoyed him too much. Sweden is both protective and playful with his family, which can especially be seen in his interactions with Iceland, Sealand and Ladonia - but so far we haven't really seen Sweden have any friends outside of the NB8. All of Sweden's friends outside of NB8 are fanon and/or headcanons by people.
(For those who don't know, NB8 is the alliance between Norway, Denmark, Sweden, Iceland, Estonia, Lithuania and Latvia.)
It's also worth mentioning that while fandom blew up "M' W'fe"; to my knowledge hws!Sweden only said it ONCE (maybe twice, if I'm forgetting an instance) in canon when he introduced himself to Estonia - and upon noticing Finland's reaction of being called his wife, Sweden stopped. He never called Finland his wife again.
It doesn't matter why the Hetalia fandom thinks Sweden called Finland his wife, or their headcanoned reason why Finland protested against it. The important thing to note from canon is that Sweden noticed and respected that Finland doesn't want to be called his wife and then stopped doing so. It doesn't matter what Finland's reason was; Sweden respects it.
Finland may or may not return Sweden's feelings in canon, but even for people who do NOT ship SuFin I think it's also important to acknowledge that Sweden and Finland are close friends who have known each other for hundreds of years, and Sweden respects Finland. Even if you like another pairing such as DenFin/NorFin/EstFin I think it's important to keep in mind that Sweden wouldn't just turn into an absolute asshole just because Finland loves someone else. Same in the reverse.
From a SuFin perspective neither Sweden nor Finland are perfect, and I'm sure they would make some mistakes while trying to figure stuff out in their relationship, but as long as they respect each other and get treated as people I think it's good.
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Hope this makes sense. The ask has been sitting in my inbox for a while and this (once again) became a bit of a long post, but I really wanted to try and explain what I mean when I say I only like SuFin a certain way.
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#Hetalia#hws SuFin#hws Sweden#hws Finland#hws#SuFin#aph Sweden#aph Finland#aph SuFin#hws Nordics#hws NB8#ask#asks#hws Asks
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