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roxtron · 10 months

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Splatoon 3's game mechanics are absolute bullshit at this point. And I wasn't sure what other vague term to use, because that's the shortest way I can describe it. Yes, this is going to be a long post, ranging from discussing badges, matchmaking, weapon balancing.. etc. I've had a lot of issues with the game for a while now and while the fandom is a part of it, I already addressed part of that in one of my other posts, so I'll keep this one dedicated to the game itself. Keep in mind I may over-explain things so this post is as accessible as I can make it to people who don't play the game.

Salmon Run Issues.

I think I'll start with the badge issue, since it's one I have personal experience with. EVP 999, specifically.

(Context paragraph.) For those who don't know, EVP is a ranked badge you can get during one of the game's extra modes, Salmon Run. The gameplay itself isn't incredibly important to explain why this badge setup is awful, so I'll go over the context that is important. Every match is about 6-9 minutes (Depending on if you get the king salmonoid, which appears every couple of waves.) Each match has 3 waves, a wave 1 loss gets -20 points, wave 2 loss is -10, and a wave 3 loss results in no point change. If you win a match, whether or not it has a king salmonoid, you get 20 points. Keep in mind the name of the badge here with that information in mind. The game expects you to get from EVP 40 to EVP 999 within ONE SINGULAR ROTATION. Each rotation lasts a quarter over a day and a half, around 40 hours. As an example of the hours they give you, the current rotation as I type this started at 9 AM on the 17th, and ends at 1 AM tonight, which would be the 19th. With previous calculations done by the fandom (That are not 100% accurate, but the closest we can get.) To count for lobby-waiting time, inevitable disconnects from the lobby, even if you got 0 losses it can take anywhere from 6-7 hours. Due to splatoon's TERRIBLE matchmaking, unless you have a team of friends to do this challenge with, you're probably gonna get a decent amount of losses. Let's say you only lost 1/4 of your matches, depending on which wave you lost, you may have to do another full match to make up for that loss. If it takes roughly 50 matches of solid wins to get to EVP 999, and you lost 1/4, let's say all wave 1 losses, you'd be behind by about 12 losses. Which means you'd have to get 12 more wins just to undo those mistakes. That already adds roughly another 72 minutes to the amount of time it would take, nearly an hour from only 12 losses. While we're at it, let's say you actually got a healthy amount of sleep, 8 hours each night. That could potentially mean you're skipping out on only part of the rotation, for example if you went to bed at 10 when the rotation ended at 1 AM, but for calculation's sake, since it's not fully two days, let's go for the amount of time the rotation lasts, a day and 3/4 worth of sleep. If you get a decent amount of sleep, that decreases the amount of time you have to play by 14 hours. Leaving you with only 26 hours to get EVP 999. But oh wait, you're a functioning human being, you're gonna need to take breaks to eat and go to the bathroom. According to google, "on average, we spend only 1 hour and 8 minutes of every weekday consuming food and drink.." Once again counting for a day and 3/4, that's nearly 2 hours spent eating and drinking. Which would leave you with 24 hours. But oh, yet again, the bathroom exists. Once again according to a google search, "the average person spends 30 minutes in the bathroom daily." Again, 3/4 of a day added, that's nearly an hour to add to the count. Which brings us to 23 hours. If all you do besides playing this video game is eat, sleep, and use the bathroom, you only have around 23 hours of the 40 hour window to play. So that's assuming you have that day and 3/4 free, and don't spend any extra time doing things like socializing or talking to your family or roommates. Oh wait.. you might have a job? Working 9-5.. Or school? About 6 hours in the day are lost, even if you have no homework. Forget even attempting this.

Now here's the part where we get to my personal experience: I have gotten this badge. And I never want to do it again. Every time I complained about these circumstances or saw others doing so, the response was basically just "get good." And I'm one of the people lucky enough to not have had a job or school work when I attempted this. Now that I do have the badge, I can safely say: this response is bullshit. You're not "not good enough" to get the badge. The game simply doesn't give players enough time to get the badge without dedicating an unhealthy amount of hours playing it. The game really doesn't get much harder as the hazard level increases either: It's not a skill issue. It's a time issue, and if you have terrible teammates, a matchmaking issue too. When I got this badge, the rotation was the same. It started at 9 AM, and ended at 1 AM the next night. The first night I started playing around 7 PM, I had spent the entire day cleaning. According to the screenshots I saved, I finished playing around 3 AM and got to EVP 480. So in about 8 hours, I had only gotten about halfway there. Unfortunately for me, I was sick, and woke up at 9 AM the next day. I also had a hard time falling asleep, I remember only getting about 3 hours that night. I played the ENTIRE DAY. I don’t know how many breaks I took to eat or go to the bathroom, but I can tell you it wasn’t many. I was dedicated. Eating and using the bathroom were the only breaks I took. I was dead-tired, zoned out, and trying hard not to stay on autopilot. By the time I finished, my mind had melted so much it didn’t even feel like the same map anymore. Logically, I knew it was, but each jump felt like it was coming from a different place entirely. The time I finished? Around 12:40 AM if I remember correctly. I was nearly 15 minutes behind the cutoff, meaning if I had lost one or two matches: I would’ve just barely missed the count for the badge entirely, after all I went through. I got the badge but, my god, at the cost of my physical and mental health. That was at least 4 months ago and I still remember how drained I was so clearly. The worst part is this wasn’t even a rotation on a map I wasn’t good at, or completely random weapons that leave you forgetting what weapon you’re even holding: Nope. It was on my second favorite map, with me being good/decent at 3/4 weapons in the rotation, with 1 weapon randomized. It was a GOOD rotation, and I still came that close to failing. All the people that claim it’s easy: I am willing to bet money they did this with friends or other pro players. I didn’t have a team of four. The person I typically play with was unable to play beyond a few matches of the rotation. I was doing this completely alone, only with help from pools, which were still new at the time. And I’m good at this game too. This badge is COMPLETELY unattainable for a casual player. And I know it’s intended to be a pro-player badge.. But, I honestly struggle to decide whether or not it was worth it. I’m glad I got the badge, but I certainly went through a lot to get it.

What makes this frustrating is that there’s such a simple solution: Checkpoints. Yeah, there is none. If you can’t get the points before the rotation ends, your number will be reset to 40. Even if you got to 990, you will still go back just like everyone else. What makes this even worse is that Splatoon 2, which introduced Salmon Run, did have checkpoints. Another point: Splatoon 2 didn’t have any sort of badges. No matter how high your score got in Salmon Run, you would not receive a reward for doing so. And yet, the game would give you a checkpoint every 100 points up until 400. I never got that far, but from old posts, it seems like 900 is the highest you could go. Even this would be so much better, if you got up to EVP 500 and the game would reset your points to 400, that means you’re already nearly halfway there AND you still have the full rotation to keep trying! It’s such an easy fix, by giving players checkpoints you’re giving them more time to achieve this goal, even if it got reset back to 400 that is WAY more attainable than getting reset to 40. Some people argue against this because “oh, what about the poor, poor sweaty players that got EVP 999 without checkpoints?” As one of them, y’know what I say? Fuck it. I don’t care if that makes my achievement less valuable, I can always tell people “I got the achievement before they added checkpoints.” It just feels like “I suffered, why shouldn’t they?” I didn’t expect to have written this long of a post solely on the EVP 999 badge requirements, so I’ll move on to the servers.

Matchmaking

It’s no secret this game’s matchmaking is terrible. You can be a pro player and still get in lobbies with new players. And no, that’s not an exaggeration. Like I’ve mentioned, I’m a player with the EVP 999 badge, and I’ve gotten into X rank. Granted, I haven’t gotten good enough matchmaking to get near a badge for it, but that’s part of what we’re complaining about today, isn’t it? Unfortunately it’s hard to use any sort of stats to prove this, as now you can really only see the stats players choose to show off, so you don’t know what level they are or if they’re simply hiding higher rank badges because they prefer characters’ head badges. The simplest way to show this is to just.. Play the game, or watch videos of other players. I don’t think any way I write it could be more damning than.. Watching a clip of someone getting a wipeout, and yet your teammates still manage to lose the ranked match, despite the goal being wide open. Or watching a rank C player get matched with a X rank player. Unfortunately this is just the category I’m not as good at writing about, though I planned to, I apologize. So I’ll link some videos that can explain or show this. https://www.youtube.com/shorts/dYcdFs0Hojk https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QRZw3PZoU-E https://www.youtube.com/shorts/lh9TpiaFt0Y (This video is sarcastic, btw.) Other people have complained about matchmaking enough that I feel like if you’re involved in the community, you probably don’t need it to be explained to you anyway lol. It’s something the majority of players can agree on. Either way, I’ll move on to another somewhat-fandom related issue, though I do once again want to focus on the game itself, less than the way players influence it.

Splatfests.

While Tricolor has had plenty of issues since the game’s release, I actually wanna start by focusing on one specific update that changed the point system we should be talking about. Here’s the chart for reference.

(Before: Splatfest Sneak Peek 8p, Votes 10p, Open battle 12, Pro battle 12, Tricolor battle 15. After: Sneak peek 7p, Votes 8p, Open Battle 12, Pro battle 12, Tricolor battle 18.) Now, while this hasn’t affected the splatfest results yet due to the way points have been collected by the winning team: I want to make this very clear: it could, drastically. It doesn’t seem like a big change but it makes Tricolor such an important category, despite being a problematic game mode, it could single-handedly give you a win. Let me explain by going through hypothetical situations. Let’s say Team 1 got Sneak Peek, Votes, and Pro battles, Team 2 got Open Battles and Tricolor battles, and Team 3 got no points. Pre-update, Team 1 would’ve gotten 30 points, and Team 2 would’ve gotten 27 points, giving Team 1 the win. Post-update, Team 1 would’ve gotten 27, and Team 2 would’ve gotten 30, reversing the numbers completely. Post-update, even though both won a point on turf wars, and Team 1 had not only the votes but the playtime during sneak-peek.. Team 2 would’ve still won simply because they got Tricolor. I dunno about you, but this seems pretty broken to me. Sneak peek counts how much XP players get in the week before splatfest, basically how much you play. Winning the votes would literally mean the majority of players chose that category. They EACH get one turf war category, and yet the second team would win solely because they got a category that’s only available halfway through the splatfest? A category the lower votes actually have a better chance in due to less mirror matches? That’s prioritizing Tricolor WAY too much. If Team 1 gets 3/5 categories, Team 2 can win just by getting those remaining 2 categories.

Some people praise this change because it makes it less likely for the popular team to win, and still gives others more of a chance, but honestly? I think it makes it more likely for unpopular teams to win, depending on how severe their lack of popularity is. As I mentioned before Tricolor is way more likely for less voted teams to win due to the lack of mirror matches. If a team has too many players, previously they may not get matched in Tricolor at all, instead matched into a regular turf war match, but at least now, a mirror match would result in them playing Tricolor against their own team. No point gain for anyone, just practice pretty much. You could have the possibility of playing for hours, and getting less points than someone who played half as much as you, simply because they didn’t get as many mirror matches, and got to play matches that actually count towards your team’s points. Plus, with the gamemode only being available during the second half of splatfest, it can kinda encourage players to only play Tricolor, and nothing else, since it’s worth that many points. And I can’t lie here and say I’m not one of those people, lol. Turf war is boring to me so I tend to mostly play Tricolor if I don’t care much about the splatfest theme and I’m not very dedicated to who wins. I don’t think that votes should be worth more than Tricolor, but I don’t think Tricolor should be worth as many points as it is. Worth votes and sneak peek combined, nearly 1 1/2 of the points the turf war categories are worth. I’m not sure what an ideal system would be, I’m not a huge fan of sneak peek as a category personally, I feel like it’s better the splatfest points are within the time of splatfest itself, and that having the snails to use on the machine is already enough to encourage players to play more during that time, if they want to. But, my point is, Tricolor is worth way too many points in comparison to the other categories.

Especially when you consider Tricolor’s broken history.. When Splatoon 3 launched, it actually released a demo specifically for splatfest leading up to the release date. During the first half, it was just the typical turf war modes. But during the second half of the splatfest.. Whichever team had the most points was put in the lead. The leading team would be put on the Defending team for Tricolor mode. If there weren't enough players, you’ll be placed into a regular turf war match. But here’s the thing: You didn’t have a choice. If you were on the leading, defending team, you could ONLY play Tricolor. If you were on Attacking (Not in the lead) you could choose to play turf war or Tricolor. Which is why most people complaining about how unbalanced the gamemode was were met with: “Just don’t play it then.” Or any type of “get good” argument. This was only from players on attacking teams, too. Even worse, naturally after how unbalanced it was: The win shifted from Team Scissors to Team Rock. But if you complained about Team Rock winning due to Tricolor: Take a wild guess what would happen to you. This continued and only started to get recognized after youtubers made videos about it, and/or until the next splatfest came along, and people previously on the attacking team were left to defend and experienced how difficult it was. Like I mentioned in another post. And according to these polls: https://www.nintendolife.com/news/2022/08/poll-what-did-you-think-of-tricolor-turf-war-in-splatoon-3

(What do you think of Tricolor Turf War? “It’s good (Team Scissors)” 12%, “Attacking team is best! (Team Rock and Paper)” 36%, “It’s easy” 6%, “Defending sucks, I hated it.” 46%) I think the results speak for themselves, as only 12% of those in the poll, team scissors, actually enjoyed defending. Whereas 46% hated it.

(Do you think Tricolor needs improving? “No, it’s perfect!” 5%, “Ultra Signals need to be changed, they’re too good” 17%, “The defending team needed some kind of boost” 26%, “The maps aren’t built for tricolor, they need to change.” 10%, “Weapons aren’t suited for a three-way match” 1%, “Results should be checked more often and defending team should change to match” 15%, “It should be 3-v-3-v-3” 18%, “I want old splatfests back!” 9%) NOBODY was fully happy with Tri-color. Only 5% of people actually said it was good as it is. I don’t think anyone would consider that good for a demo. Ironically people assumed the defending team would do best, since it was 4-v-2-v-2 instead of 3-v-3-v-3. But clearly that was a wrong guess. If you got the signal, you’d get an infinite sprinkler to give you free turf throughout the match, and if you got both? You’d get free turf in the middle of the map. Right where the defending team spawns. And god, there was a LOT of spawn-killing. For some added perspective, these were spawn points for the teams.

And this is what a lot of maps looked like at the end.

The attacking team’s spawn has a lot of high ground and multiple entrances to get to the middle. There were far too many opportunities for the attacking team to get to the middle, and far too little opportunities for the defending team to get in the attacking team’s spawn. (Which was the only way to get enough turf to overpower at least one of the other two teams.) Needless to say the first demo was an absolute wreck. But we’re not done yet. Somewhere around September, their temporary solution to splatfests was to make it less likely to even get into them. If I remember, the rate may have been around 2%. It was very unlikely, I played for a couple of hours and got LUCKY to get in 2-3 matches. Obviously people were upset with this too. They tried changing points and maps, but it was never enough, so they simply gave up and made it so that you could get into Tricolor on Defending or Attacking regardless of if your team was winning or losing. This change was mixed at the time but unfortunately I think it’s the best solution they could come up with, considering they were completely unwilling to change the mode’s gameplay. If all we have to work with is changing how players get into matches, so be it. Though players would get extra points if they got randomized onto the team responding to their points. For example if the winning team got placed into defending. Nearly every splatfest there’s been some sort of complaints about the map, though they largely stem from what a lot of people mutually agree on: The mode should have been 3 players on each team, so they could balance a third of the map for each team. Trying to squeeze 2-v-2-v-4 is just difficult to do without giving one team too much of an advantage, especially when one team spawns at mid. The fact that the original purpose of 2-v-2-v-4 has been rendered useless- With it originally being to give the other teams more of a chance to catch up. (Which was a bit unfair already, to be honest.) It doesn’t matter if they can be on any team now. It’s backtracking, really. Trying to appease the fandom while refusing to address the core issues because they’re too stubborn in what they’ve created. Speaking of being too stubborn to change core gameplay..

The Balancing.

Yeah, Tricolor isn’t the only thing people have been upset with since launch. One of the new specials introduced, the crab tank, has absolutely been argued as an overpowered special. Even in pro tournaments there’d be teams with 3-4 crab tanks. Needless to say people were definitely choosing that special more often, and for a reason. On launch, the crab tank has 500 HP. In comparison to a normal squid, which only has 100 HP.. You can see why this thing is a pain in the ass to fight. If you’re a short range weapon, unless you get the opportunity to sneak up on the back, you’re dead. With extremely high range and damage, the thing’s like an overpowered Hydra Splatling, without the need to charge up. What makes this more of an issue is that: It’s barely been nerfed, at all. Its stats have barely changed since launch. They spent months slowly trying to make players happier, not by changing the tank, but by changing the effect other specific weapons have on it. Specifically by increasing the damage certain weapons deal to it, decreasing the amount of damage done to certain specials.. The tank was never actually made less powerful, and if you didn’t main a weapon that got any of these specific changes- It wouldn’t matter to you. The only stat change is that the duration changed from 9 seconds to 8 seconds. Yeah, what a big change, right? They made special power up more effective anyway (Which increases the duration) so you could very easily undo the tiny inconvenience this update created. As a slightly less inconvenient change, tenta missiles got a lot more powerful from splatoon 2 to splatoon 3. I can’t find the exact stats for comparison, but back in splatoon 2 the targeting was much less effective and easier to dodge, in splatoon 3 its targeting is much more accurate, and for whatever reason, it’s generally a lot more dangerous to deal with than it used to be. Back in splatoon 2 dodging tenta missiles was pretty easy, yet in splatoon 3 it’s harder to do successfully. I don’t have the stats to know why, but I wish I did. Still, it’s a minor change, though it caused players to heavily spam them with weapons that can refill their specials quickly. So it definitely affected the game. And now we move on to what was my biggest sign this game was going downhill and the devs didn’t fucking care. When it was announced they were bringing a splatoon 1 special into splatoon 3, I think we all expected major changes for it, but somehow.. They didn’t. All the specials in splatoon 1 are infamously overpowered, and you’ll quickly see why. You thought a tank with 500 HP was bad enough to deal with? Try dealing with an INVINCIBLE SPECIAL. That’s right. You CANNOT damage this thing until the duration is over. (Which, by the way, was actually INCREASED from splatoon 1 to splatoon 3.) What made me the most shocked about this special being added was how little they seemed to care about the ways it can affect the game. On launch, if you went into the Kraken you would NOT lose any of your clams in clam blitz. Most specials you either lose your clams or you cannot fire them, and considering how quickly it was changed so you would lose clams, I’m willing to guess they just didn’t think about it. Unfortunately around that time I played ranked a lot, so you can imagine what an experience that was. Splat Zones? The Kraken can just run around the middle, and remember, you can’t kill it, and if you get close to it you’ll die, so if you don’t have a long ranged weapon, you can’t do anything about it. You just have to sit there and let them take the turf. Rainmaker? Not so bad, but it can basically be a shield for the rainmaker holder. Tower Control? OH MY GOD. I don’t know if they fixed it since, but at least back when I played more often, a kraken could just sit on top of the tower and keep getting points. The only way to retake the tower is to either push off or kill the person on top of it: Oh right, you can’t kill them. Needless to say I didn’t play tower control much after that.

Now think about how all of these issues combined affect the game. You can’t have much fun playing the basic modes because of the balancing and matchmaking issues, you can’t have much fun during the special events like splatfests unless you’re on the winning team and it’s a good tricolor map.. So how do you still have fun? It’s why I stopped playing. I like playing video games competitively. I’m really good at them, and I know that, I have really rare achievements in other games I find more difficult. But I honestly gave up on this game for a while. After all these issues piling up, I couldn’t find a point anymore. With all the matchmaking and shit, I genuinely don’t think I can have much fun in this game again unless they somehow fix the many issues the game has right now, or unless I can get any friends into the game so I can get a team of 4 and not rely on random level 2 players. I’ve only been playing the special events so naturally I don’t have much recent experience. The game just isn’t fun anymore. The community, and the gameplay itself.. It’s been rough. I used to love this game a lot, and don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate it or anything, but I hate the way Nintendo and the fanbase are treating it. I’ve let this rant go on for a really long time at this point so I’m gonna cut it here. If I think of more I wanna say I’ll add it in reblogs or something but for now, I think I’m done lol.

#splatoon #splatoon 3 #splatoon rant #splatoon salmon run #splatoon ranked #you have no idea how long i spent on this it took me all day lmao #over 4600 words and over 25000 characters #if you're interested in the previous post i made about splatfests it's like right below this one on my account #ok i think that's all the tags i've got for this #goodbyee

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philosophicalparadox · 1 year

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The difference a proper enclosure can make

Look at this adorable fuckin lizard. Look at it. It's too cute to bear. (On record we Think she's an Oaxacan Spiny/Club tailed Iguana. The person I got her from had no clue what species she is though. We assume female because most males are green, but honestly I have no idea).

First time she (they?) Have ever slept out in the open. Normally Skit is...well, skittish. Hence her name.

But ever since I upgraded her enclosure from a 20 gallon long (the only suitable tank i had at the time) to a 67 gallon tall, the difference has been literally day and night. I fully expected the ultra-neophobic iguana in her to freak the hell out being put in such a huge space - which in a lizard looks like hiding all the time, not eating, etc. but she's done precisely the opposite. Her appetite is bigger than ever and *fanfare noises* I actually have gotten her to eat from my hand! It hasn't even been a week since I moved her over - a very stressful affair in spite of my trying. Normally I use a critter keeper and trap her rather than grabbing so there's minimal contact. But it was too urgent to move her quickly so I had to use The Gloves, which she hates. Tail whipping, (which is why they are leather gloves, cause they don't call em spiny club tails for no reason) biting, hissing kind of hates.

But she got over it pretty quickly and within less than 24 hours was out and about and exploring. I've seen her tongue flick more in the last 3 days than I've seen in three months. (Tongue flicking = happy, curious iguana). She even copies me! If I tongue flick at her she will do it back.

The abrupt change in our relationship has caught me wildly off guard. She used to bolt from me, retreating to her hide as soon as I so much as walked in the room, and she outright refused to have anything to do with my hands (we think she was wild caught, her terror of hands was so severe when I first got her). Now she casually comes up to me (!) And doesnt even mind me moving my hands around her. She is suspicious of them still, and cautious about taking anything from them. But she will gladly eat wax worms from the tip of my finger - the ultimate incentiviser for anything that eats bugs. (And Yes, unlike green iguanas, these guys Do eat animals).

Idk why I'm sharing this here, I'm just so elated that progress has been made and utterly shocked by the abrupt change of its pace. I've had her three and a half months now and in spite of my expectations to the contrary she's thrived in her new set up.

This is what it looks like btw. It's too awkward to take a pic of the whole thing at once so I had to take two.

The hot side, where she likes to casually bask. Look at her sleeping right in the middle of the tank. Unbelievable for such a previously shy animal.

The cool side, with her favorite hide. (And turtle buddy, because it came with her and its important to include familiar objects in New environments) She has a network of burrows she's dug already from inside the hide - she's quite the excavator!

Im really happy with her now. If I wasn't sure I was keeping her before (I was just supposed to foster her until she got better) I definitely am now. The difference a proper setup can make!

#animals #iguanas #spiny tail iguanas #ctenosauria #progress #lizards #reptiles #cute reptiles #proper habitats

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saratravel · 7 days

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I have arrived back home! It took two days of traveling, with total airtime of about 16-17 hours. It certainly takes a lot to get places, but we're able to do so much more easily nowadays than before. My trip back was largely uneventful, minus my bag handle snapping while carrying it down a staircase. I feel like the universe kept trying to spoil my vacation but jokes on it, I had a great time.

On my plane to Iceland (where I had a 1-hour layover), I met a woman who spoke Japanese and just a little Engliah. I got up the courage to bust out my little bit of Japanese to help her with the drink service. She was so excited that someone spoke Japanese, and we spent some time chatting in as much of each other's language that we could! We traded instagram accounts, and I'd like to message her and say hi once more. I hope she's enjoying beautiful Iceland!

In New York, I got to crash on my friend's couch for the night. At one point, I realized I had been awake for about 24hr with about 2.5 cumulative hours of dozing and snoozing. So I promptly went to sleep after I ate and shared some stories.

There's a point in all trips, I think, where you just want to be back in your own bed with your own people and your own life. I'm happy to say I am there. My dog, Sebastian, couldn't be happier.

Finally, weeks ago I posed a question. Why travel? I've been giving it some thought throughout the trip and have written some of it down along the way:

To gain perspective. To learn about another way or another history and apply it to my own life. Not all of it fits, but the stuff that doesn't is just as important as the stuff that does. It provides a sense of humility that I don't get at home, where I've tailored my life to me. Or rather, I've tailored my life to the culture around me.

To force myself outside of my life, providing a time of reflection on it. I travel to miss the comforts of my day to day, to regain a forgotten appreciation for them.

To learn history, nature, food, cities, and cultures. Local accounts, museums, books, my own research. I thirst to know more, and I truly learn best by going, seeing, and becoming curious.

To push my limits of my ability and test who I am. I haven't really considered myself a "fit" person before. I've trained in martial arts for a number of years, sure, but I don't tend to go to the gym or jog or hike or anything. On this trip, I averaged 3-5 miles of walking a day, I lugged what was probably around 30-40lb of luggage through a grand total of seven different countries (layovers included) for three weeks. I biked 27 miles in a day and was able to recover completely from the aches within two days! (This was the biggest shock to me) I am much more fit than I thought. I was grateful for my health every day of my journey.

To test my adaptability and my mental fortitude. I had some really rough things happen on this trip and found myself in some tricky situations (such as being stalled out on a highway in the middle of nowhere, Lithuania). Some things were my fault, some things were not (Visa....), but either way, there was no choice but to handle it. I now have proof for myself that I have the skill set to handle things on my own.

I don't travel to take a break from my loved ones, but the feeling I get during the last 24 hours before returning home is only possible through time away. It's a realization, an affirmation, that my home with my family is truly a place I want to return to. This may be obvious to some, but I think it's still a nice reminder.

Multiple days of my journey were spent homesick, thinking about my loved ones and what I miss about them. Some days of my journey were spent mourning some deaths in my life in a way I hadn't done yet. All days, I felt an unending gratitude for my life.

I think ultimately, this is why I go. I've always liked a challenge, and I've always liked learning and growing and improving. I like to shake things up a bit, too.

Thanks for reading! I'm going to take a while to recoup and adjust to my home timezone. I think I'll do this blog again for future travels. Until then!

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strapskinkstories · 7 days

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Open letter, from a closed DM

OOoo hey bud, sorry I've kinda neglected you and the whole gay scene, my male side is *severely damaged* I need to get my orchiectomy so I can actually have my sexual function go back to normal, having all these testicular pains is *preventing me from sexual function*

get ready for this bullshit, I had my orchie scheduled for this last friday, instead I got a fuck you letter from a catholic hospital saying that they refuse to do a *sterilization* procedure, BRO I HAVE A TRACH AND LIKE A DOZEN GENETIC DISEASES, YOU THINK IM GONNA EVER HAVE KIDS!? YOULL HAVE TO RAPE ME AND THEN I END YOU

If a woman were to tie me down and then by force have sex with me I'll put a full magazine into their body and ensure they are done living

1. I do not want to have kids

2. I do not want to subject another single God borne God created SOUL to this shit hole world, while the LGBTQIA+ world is almost like a paradise within the earth a safe haven, it's surrounded by a proverbial sewer, that is America, European international and internal affairs along with all the other geopolitical BS we deal with. Then theres the shitty environment. We need an unbreakable world, a literal damn heavens specifically for the LGBTQIA+

3.I have so many medical conditions and even a high cancer risk, every time fucking humans multiply the mutations in the genome get worse because DUH! Just like COVID19 and other viruses, humans are in effect parasitic on the earth especially with reckless 'breeding practices' resulting in mass genomic mutations and higher cancer risk, believe it or not but in the damn Bible and in other books of history people could live to be several hundred years old, credited to the extremely new and pure earth atmosphere and zero emissions and full ozone layer. Humanity totally fucked the earth going with fossil fuels, we could have left the fucking oil in the ground and went with electricity but nobody wanted to listen to Nikola Tesla

4. I have chronic testicular pain that cannot be conservatively treated, so the only resolution is a full radical orchiectomy with removal of the contents of the inguinal canal. Scrotal approach is acceptable provided the surgeon possesses ability to terminate spermatic cords and arterial complexes leading from the genitofemoral branch at the inguinal canal exit point.

Soooo ummm sorry.. bit awkward that I just unloaded that on you but THERES THE LONG STORY.

Sorry it sounds UBER religious but hey if a fucking CATHOLIC HOSPITAL is gonna be UBER RELIGIOUS and fuck me over then I'll show the WHOLE FUCKING WORLD why #LoyolaMedicine should be allowing Orchiectomies and trans care to happen in its so called "Holy Hospital" Any place of true holiness would acknowledge that the system used for vessel enclosure, to seal a soul to a body is imperfect as it sorts thousands of souls per second during births. Sometimes a female soul ends up in a male body and this is well known by neuroscience and psychology confirmed by deep theological study as well as independent spirit explorations. Any hospital of holiness would be working as fast as possible to allow as many transitions to occur within a high throughput transitional care facility that should have surgical throughput of at least 60 cases per day and a psych services / presurgical clearance unit throughput of a minimum of 240 cases per day.

Such a trans center would be able to handle 13,000 MtF or FtM transitions within it's operating rooms, you'd think "bullshit, it can't run 24 hours" I say "fuck you, I can make it run 24 hours and people can come in and go sleep in an operating room while we do transition work"

I'm a *REAL CHRISTIAN*

Real Christians don't go around controlling other people for profit nor do they go using fear tactics for the churches purposes, and fucks sake they do not worship guns, though if you rape me or any woman you will find yourself dead or near it. Rape is not a joke on either side of the aisle *NOBODY SHOULD BE FORCED INTO SEX*

People have a *RIGHT TO THEIR GENDER AS ENCODED ON THEIR SOUL*

Discovery and decoding of a "gender key" is typically something that can happen in childhood but for some it can happen much later and trigger flashes back to childhood thereby revealing the childhood key.

Ok, so I'm probably seeing like half of my audience freaking the fuck out right now, at least a quarter of my audience is shitting bricks and saying WHAT THE FUCK, SINCE WHEN WAS STRAPS TRANS!?

Y'all might have seen some brief inklings here and there on Twitter but I haven't sat down to type and reveal the actual encoding.

When I was in earliest childhood I absolutely hated anything touching my genitals (sensory rejection, the genital organs shouldn't be there)

Later childhood, I didn't have any fitness level, ran a higher heart rate awake (females run higher heart rates with a higher ejection fraction than men typically) and I always gravitated toward female hobbies, arts and music although with a slight male twist of going digital and machine art with music mixing for a school radio station.

I often got into my moms medicine cabinet to steal makeup and also would get her clothing. Had a massive collection of barbies, a small collection of hot wheels and made a weird mashup between the two but the barbie collection got the most use

By the age of 14 I had the neuromuscular disease confirmed to be triggered by Cymbalta (I'm one of the reasons the antidepressants now all have a black box warning not to use them in children and young adults, they can be extremely neurotoxic in rare events) I also was run for many genetic tests and imaging tests, I have BREAST TISSUE on the left side of my chest. Someone do a damn gender chromosome check and a full endocrine blood on me, and look for hidden ovaries, I think I've been producing estrogen since day one. I'm probably a strange white unicorn.

Wait a minute... White Unicorn...

The white unicorn represents magic, divine female energy, and a balance between female and male energy. Explains why I am double gendered but more female leaning.

The white unicorn is considered a messenger of angels and reminds us to reconnect with our inner child and pursue activities that bring joy. Explains why I'm always working with music art or writing because I want to see other people enjoying my work

In dreams, the appearance of a white unicorn signifies purity of heart and can serve as a powerful guide. It may also indicate the need for more magic in life or the potential loss of something. This Unicorn came to me as a signal to write more, and also to reveal my true self to the world

White unicorns, according to Celtic astrology, are born between July 8th and August 4th. They are natural healers and nurturers, possess creativity, and are selective about who they spend their time with. I'm a Late Unicorn with a August 8th birthdate, but I was technically born prematurely and if I was four days earlier I would have been "on time" for Unicorn Arrival but not safe for the earth, so delayed four days for final preparations. I'm a heavily creative person, I am highly picky about who I spend time with but when I do select my people they form a very strong bond, I am one who always works with medicine and healing and have even returned to doing energy work after finding people who need it and who accept the world of spirit energy healing (I mostly do it to mitigate pain and reduce muscle tightness for people)

So this is why I have not been doing a whole lot on Tumblr, or Twitter or anywhere. I've been dealing with an internal spiritual battle, saving my female side from being destroyed and balancing things to find out that my male side is the destroyer, the one that will eventually kill me, the female side is what I need to keep. On top of the spirit battle which has now come to closure, the male side is dying slowly but has been successfully terminated. Now I need to get the physical battle done and get rid of the painful testicles that should have never existed in the first place.

Sooo yeah... Now you all know what's actually going on. We return to normal programming uhh... Whenever I finish my next story.

(If you read this far then you're a bud, thanks for reading, mash the like and let me know you're still around)

#trans #my life #transgender #trans journal #sfwish #sfw blog #sfw post

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nathank77 · 1 month

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5/15/24

6:24 p.m

I was so overtired bc I woke up at 1 p.m yesterday and didn't go to bed until like 7 a.m. I took my xanax and hydroxyzine around 5:30 a.m... my circadian rhythm is so fucked up and I can't cope with closing my eyes for long periods of times. I would have loved to take the xanax and hydroxyzine around 3 a.m but if it didn't work the ptsd flashbacks and trauma and panick I would have felt is just not worth it. That's the issue. Also all the drugs I would have had to add on top of it to fall asleep...

I accept that I have to take my xanax and hydroxyzine around 5:30 a.m and fall asleep around 7 a.m to 9 a.m.

The overtiredness obv didn't help with my sloppy thoughts. Although I noticed them the other day after a full night of sleep and a normal amount of hours for a day. That night I watched split. Last night/Today I watched Glass... I mean I guess I really can't watch anything but garbage television to drown it out and being tired or not getting enough sleep really fucks with my brain.

I'm still deadname Nathan and Nathan deadname. I can't get it out of my head everytime i say Nathan I think deadname. And the hallucination says my deadname so much it made this major association.

I feel like I have like 3 options bc I can deal with the shitty genitalia thoughts that come up occasionally every single day all day... I hate it but I mean that's not the monumental issue that the deadname Nathan thing is:

1) Pick a different name to call myself. I mean Nathan is so associated with my deadname in my head and the hallucination just makes it worse day by day. I've tried like Nathan Michael.... or Nathan Tyler despite the flashbacks to the psych ward. And no matter what it is Nathan whatever, especially my last name deadname comes up. So what if I call myself like Demetri or something just one name? I can fucking associate my deadname with another name. And try to break the association...

Is it even normal to say your first name in your head all day? Prob not but when you hear your deadname 7000 times a day, you'll do it too to like battle your brain that you see yourself as Nathan or whatever name you identify with....

2) Maybe just commit suicide and give up bc this feels like going backwards. And I mean I'm fucking lonely and idk what to do. I don't want to take antipsychotics and become dumb. I don't want to lose my intelligence and my ability to move my muscles...

3) idk... stop the cbd.... cut back to 1000mg of white mulberries. I notice my hallucination hasn't gotten worse but when I'm extra tired or at the end of the day it seems worse...

Idk I just want to commit suicide. Whenever I think about it I smile cause then it all ends.

I don't see recovery, I feel like I'm going backwards. It's only with deadname Nathan and genitalia thoughts not mental pictures. It's not the hallucination.... but I mean I don't think I'm going to recover and this isn't living.

I'm like a tree slowly dying from within and I have no one I can count on. No one to talk to. Nothing. I have nothing.

A fucking broken brain that wants to kill me and won't stop re traumatizing me. Why should i keep fucking trying?

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leiajadevader · 6 months

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The first time I ever laid eyes on you, I knew you were mine. I knew it with such surety what I was in tears within 15 minutes because nobody but I knew it. At least...until I met you.

There was never a doubt in my mind, even as all your siblings climbed over me, nipped and licked until they lost interest after a few minutes only to wander away. Yet you remained. Sitting a foot away from me, head cocked to the side, floppy ears perked, as if to ask, "what now?"

It killed my heart and soul to leave without you that day but I promised I would return for you in a week once I returned from my trip. Oh how you fit so perfectly in my arms as we walked through PetSmart, my sweet bugaboo. Apart from those ten minutes I couldn't bear having you in the kennel that night, there wasn't a single minute we weren't together.

Before I knew it, you were a year old and with it, came two agonizingly long years of cluster grand mal seizures -- something the vet insisted wasn't possible and I didn't know what I was talking about until you finally seized in his office -- that continued to get progressively worse and worse. Like clock work. Every 40 days. The first one always started between 1 and 2 am with the second 30 minutes later and the third fifteen minutes later. Every 40 days, you added one or two more to the list. 2 hours of hell became 4, then 8, then 24, 36, and 48. Yet we never stopped fighting. Every time, you came back to me. You always came back to me, my good boy.

Then, at the end of 2011, we finally had hope. For the first time in over 2 years, you made it 41 days without seizing. Then 60. Then 90. And in those days, you knew before everyone else did. You knew what awaited me in 2012. You were 6 months seizure free and I was 6 months pregnant when you relapsed and had the worst cluster grand mal seizures we had ever seen. 40 seizures in 3 days. Oh how I hoped and prayed this was the end. I nearly cancelled my plans to stay with you but was encouraged and reassured that you would be fine while I was gone.

When I came home that night, my heart broke. You had the worst episode yet and I wasn't there for you. We found a 24 hour vet and I asked, begged and pleaded for them to help you. What she said shattered our entire world and I had to make the hardest decision I've ever had to make in my life. I sobbed as I said my farewells to you, to my hopes and dreams for you and my son, then I stayed with you until you breathed your last breath. In that moment, my own heart stopped with yours. Though it felt like forever, only seconds had passed before I took my first breath without you and immediately regretted it. I folded myself over you, hugged you tightly and sobbed, wishing it had been me instead of you.

I only allowed myself 24 hours to grieve for you. I vaguely remember going home, crying myself to sleep and waking up a number of hours later, my hand searching for you beside me on my bed only to find you gone. That's when reality came crashing back and I lost you again. Every day, for the next month, I'd come home, your name on my lips and tears in my eyes. Over time, it became easier to bear. My little light bringer saw to that. But every now and again, I think about you. Like tonight.

I miss you Jethro. What I wouldn't give to be with you right now. You who always snuggled and cuddled with me whenever I was feeling blue. My best-est boy who was as gentle as could be and forever protective of his mama. My hundred pound meat missile who would never run unless it was to me and I called for you. I could never say no to you. Not with your big brown eyes. My goldfish and popcorn was yours. As was a bit of my steak -- after your drooled a good long while for me of course. Never a peep from you unless it was to go for a walk or a car ride. Even now, nearly 12 years later, I look for a flicker of you in other dogs but none of them are you. I miss you so god damned much but more than that, I need you right now my good boy.

#grief #rainbow bridge #pets

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ryanmatthewseditor · 11 months

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I'm hallucinating right now and have been 24/7 for anywhere from 3 years, 8 months, 15 days, 18 hours, 55 minutes, 44 seconds to 4 years, 1 month, 15 days, 18 hours, 57 minutes, 11 seconds.

This part is just for me:

They've resumed using EO within the first one or two hours after waking up at around 11:30 PM; I'd gone to sleep sometime in between 2:30 and 4:30 PM and slept earlier from around 9:30 AM to 1:30 PM. They started off with using mostly EO's voice and eventually resorted to using his nude form and later with the usual erotic visualizations of fellatio to go with those weird tactile+proprioceptive body-wide sensations while using EO's voice. Pretty much all of this occurred over these past three hours or so and it is currently 3:04 AM. Memory indicates that their sexual tantrums began this morning--but they continue to refer to it as having begun/occurred "last year" (in reference to yesterday). They continue to tell me to go outside, not "never go outside again" (just a few minutes ago), to go back to sleep, to watch TV, and so on. They managed to ruin the mood for me repeatedly today (using primarily EO) and asking, "so what?" (as they are literally right now). Messages across multiple communities continue to indicate that the perpetrators are incapable of feeling shame--and simply feign it. They continue to find random "justifications" such as something to do with Elizabeth Debicki and Kiernan Shipka (the latter of which I Google'd and found nothing new in Google News in regards to her--but they disregarded this information a few minutes later). They also continue to disregard various obvious things that doesn't need to be stated and re-stated--such as the part of having my 7cups account permanently banned/locked/closed after having spent over $500 to $2,000 on it since 2018... simply for telling them what they had me tell them... which is what got me 5150'd last year and also permanently banned across multiple communities (e.g. PsychForums, PsychCentral, Social Anxiety Support, etc.). They continue to also disregard the hundreds of dollars spent on those background checks which I continue to be charged for--various expensive background checks related to women such as the aforementioned. They go on to feign "shame" only to behave shamelessly mere seconds later. They continue to outright disregard my arguments involving my attempting to report to the police the "murder" earlier this year (which I did) and having gone to speak with my aunt that day to ask how everyone in the family is doing only to be told that everyone is fine; furthermore, having gone to visit my cousin and our grandmother a few days ago and finding out that they, too, appear to be relatively well (aside from a cold) and living at the same spot.

These things continue to respond shamelessly shortly after pretending as if this is all news to them (which they smile at me as I point out how I've already covered much of this across multiple venues such as PsychCentral).

They continue claiming that they will not use EO any further almost daily (about as frequently as they tell me that they're going to ruin the mood again, but less frequently than telling me to not ruin the mood)--only to have them resume using EO without having me "provoke" them (simply thinking anything even remotely negative of the hallucinations or just about anyone or anything in general seems to provoke them into using EO). They've now also begun to more frequently interrupt my thought processes even in regards to things unrelated to the hallucinations--anything related to whatever I'm watching on television--anything that I plan to do. EO continues literally right now as I write this with usual fellatio thing. Much of this morning; they've claimed that this has something to do with, "solo por Elizabeth Debicki." Even now; I can hear laughter (and having them point the finger at one of their "women") shortly after claiming (yet again) of having done something to--or currently in the process of doing--to random family members such as two of my older male cousins on my father's side of the family. "They just don't give a fuck," they continue to add every few minutes or so--while ad-libbing for me.

It has now been over two months since I've stopped taking Adderall (stopped sometime in between April 10th or 28th)... I'd also gone over two weeks without consuming caffeine earlier this year, and was taking Abilify for nearly a month before my mother had me throw away a few days' worth of pills about one or two weeks ago. Even after all of that--even after having gotten enough sleep--consumed multiple, large, healthy meals daily--having done various things to help me "calm down" (e.g. shower, masturbation, etc.); they still continue to be about as vicious, relentless, and unreasonable as ever (if not more so). Today; they smile at me (literally right now) as I recall how about an hour ago they'd told me that they would never stop using EO. They laugh even now as I recall how they tell me daily that they would stop using him. They also show how little (if at all) they care for my choice of pornographic imagery to masturbate to--whether it be some video on Pornhub or xvideos, or a picture of Kiernan Shipka, or Elizabeth Debicki, whether they be real pictures of them fully-clothed, or deepfakes, whether it be unrelated hentai or cartoon porn, or porn made through SourceFilmMaker or some other type of CGI. They continue to blame me for this. "Well, yeah," and, "y?" they now add while their "Areg sister" remains smiling in the background and EO continues with the suckling. "So what?" they ask before adding "Seig Hitler".

Case in point; they continue to claim to have done something to the youngest daughter of my oldest aunt on my father's side on the basis that I supposedly asked them to--disregarding that she is among the cousins that I've had the least (if any) problems with. They continue to pretend as if this is the first time I've covered this with them.

A few seconds later; they claimed, yet again, that something happened to Kiernan Shipka again recently and that this was sufficient reason to continue using EO.

They resume using EO and continue to put words in my mouth--forcing a smile--ad-libbing for me that I "wish" for EO to be here.

Here are some of my posts elsewhere:

"Nobody gives a fuck," they continue to tell me regularly--just now, actually. EO remains nude and with something phallic in his mouth.

"I prefer EO," one of their "men" tells me as they smile. They also continue to show a capacity at inducing that muscle tension in the back of my upper left thigh (regardless of my stimulant use--even when I was consuming zero caffeine) which goes hand-in-hand with EO. "That's right," one responds; although, they care not for the details.

They continue to disturb my sleep with unusually vivid and random imagery with occasional commentary that sounds like my internal monologue--in between the hours of 4:30 and 7:30 AM as I attempt to fall asleep again after consuming melatonin. The pornographic imagery has yet to go away and the content often appears vague and subject to interpretation. The hallucinations have only become several times more demoralizing and depressing even after successfully achieving a certain level of relaxation in my left leg perhaps not felt in many years.

After having gone successfully back to sleep in between 7:30 and 10:30 AM; they resumed using EO and continue to do so even now--roughly an hour after waking up. The muscle tension in my left leg has yet to stop despite all the sleep.

Three masturbation sessions in one morning has done nothing to alleviate the discomfort in there--nor has the discomfort increased.

It used to be that I had to bend my knees or close my legs to alleviate the discomfort. Now they have me stretching my legs out.

Two days of 4 doses of Pepto Bismol each--and that, too, seems to have done little to alleviate the discomfort in my leg.

Sitting up seems to have little effect--as does lying down with my legs crossed as I'd been doing last year. Muscle spasms still seem to occur even as I attempt to rest on a perfectly flat surface--the floor.

They continue to push me into contacting each and every family member interpersonally--numbering in the dozens--across multiple cities and multiple states and three different countries. Something that I'd fantasized about as a child but never managed to achieve.

Note to self: do not bother. Whatever the thought-forms or whomever they represent offer--do not accept. They will continue coming up with more bullshit regardless.

"Well duh" they say.

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avvocarlo · 2 years

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my work is giving me the absolute shits at the moment. I genuinely want to be able to work, except the problem is they're doing it in the most irritating way possible. I've been saying No near on 95 % of the time because it'll be one or more of the following: asking at 9 pm tonight if I can be somewhere tomorrow for 8 am - 3 pm, only a day or so notice, a few hours prior to the shift - this is including sleepovers - somewhere I haven't been to before on that very day, asking me to do back to back shifts while I was already on shift or soon after finishing, offering only a few days in advance to do a 24 hour shift at a place that's over 50 km away. also keep in mind that this is unpredictable work, I genuinely could get a knife in the neck one day for all I know

like no I'm not going to accept these anymore. I was going completely mental for all those months I had long weeks that were at times an upward of 60-70 hours, sleeping in a house that wasn't my own, doing stressful work in a multitude of locations, frequent texts and calls from multiple people (org rostering, coordinators, supervisors, agency staff) every single day demanding that we remove, add, or alter shifts by location, hours etc. that then culminated into some insanely stressful shifts that were utterly cooked by a horrific level of mismanagement. to mention these events in detail would be a whole post by itself I'm sure.

not too long ago they caught on to me that I was essentially burnt out, I told them the last minute shift offers were significantly bothering myself and my partner, they seemingly listened. I'm not sure if my regular coordinator is gone, but that had soon been disregarded. they probably believe I'm difficult or possibly lazy, but their logistical and organisational skills are so mind blowingly incompetent that it will inevitably beget this kind of outcome. what do you expect to happen?

I'm agency at the moment, and we're in the process of moving me somewhere else organisation-wise that will provide consistency, except idk man... I'm feeling incredibly jaded by the whole situation, there was a period I wanted to leave my agency and transition over to the organisation I'm still at, the organisation then seemed to take it upon themselves to use this as a way of pushing my boundaries. increased calls, ridiculous expectations, etc etc.

some people might argue that's to test my worth! that I needed to stick it out! why? what to blindly follow the promise of dangling keys above me like some kind of chump? come on man, there's no way I'm going to fall for that, nor am I going to be some performing bitchboy who puts up with that type of behaviour. I've been called a great worker by my agency/organisation, except it's increasingly difficult to even tell how genuine they are. it does seem like a lot of smoke and mirrors, truly. if I'm so great then why did you treat me that way? I'm better than that, I suppose if I wasn't an asset in their mind they wouldn't be fighting to keep me within the agency + organisation. which again, I don't overly trust. they seem to believe I can't catch on to how facetious many aspects of this industry are. Self Care, Therapeutic Responses, oh did you do this? Ahhh always follow the planner! Be the Gestapo for the love of god, except don't. you know what I mean?

anyway, feeling pretty frustrated about this situation. having time away (as you can all tell by the increased posting over the last month) certainly helped me realise what was important and how I truly felt, unfortunately that only helps me by personal perspective rather than an actual subsequent change with financial compensation, job security, or career pathways... hopefully things will be on the up soon? a sense of structure is extremely important to me

#most places would be fortunate to have me as i know i am very intelligent emotionally and intellectually #i genuinely believe I'd be a great coordinator or manager #I'm convinced #unfortunately this industry has a significant amount of ass kissing and pantomime participating that kind of makes me sick #this job pays fairly well too like I'll choose my own comfort over money #who do you think you are?

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adventures-or-death · 3 years

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Road Trip Notes 8/24 Thur 8/28

Covid put the kibosh on visiting my Dad in Florida so we canceled our flights, hotel and rental car and made a last minute decision to go on a road trip instead. It wasn't hard to figure out where to go because we love the beach and have road tripped from Las Vegas to California many times before. Our last road trip was to Newport Beach, California, which was nice, but it was crowded and touristy. Before the Newport trip we went to San Diego and stayed at the Hampton Inn near Seaworld, but the location was too far from the beach and I didn't feel good about the crackheads running around outside 24/7. We always take our dog with us on road trips. The last time we visited San Diego we found Dog Beach, which is a huge off leash beach dog park located in Ocean Beach. Shooter loved it and we loved watching him and all the dogs play in the sand and swim in the ocean. So going to San Diego again was almost a no brainer for us. I booked an Airbnb a couple blocks from Ocean Beach, which is right next to Dog Beach.

The goal for this trip was to chill out. No running around seeing the sights. We’ve done that before in San Diego. It's a gorgeous place and I love seeing the sights, but this time I needed some time to decompress.

Day 1

We arrived, plopped our bags on the bed and took the dog for a walk to get the lay of the land. Before going, I did a little research about Ocean Beach and learned that the town of Ocean Beach was laid out in the late 1800’s, but it didn’t really take off until the first decade of the 1900’s when electricity and paved roads arrived. It became a big vacation haven until the depression hit in the 1920’s. The town tanked for a while, but the 50’s came along and the population exploded. The 60’s brought in a heavy hippy surfer vibe, which still strongly remains today. I’ve been told that Ocean Beach is one of the only original California surf towns left in California that hasn’t changed all that much since the 60’s. The town motto is “Keep Ocean Beach Weird.” Perfect for us!

We left the cottage, walked the dog two blocks to the beach, made a right, and just past the rocks, Dog Beach begins. Dog Beach is one of the country’s first beaches for dogs to run freely off leash. Not many rules apply at Dog Beach except you must pick up your dog’s poop and make sure your pup behaves well with other dogs and humans. We’ve been to Dog Beach a couple times on past road trips and have never seen a vicious dog fight. Dogs of all breeds, shapes and sizes zip around the beach in harmony. It's fun to watch them smash in to waves while fetching balls and playing with each other in the water. After watching surfers ride in waves and exhausted Shooter with exercise and play, we made our way back to the cottage. Before going inside, I hosed Shooter down with fresh water and did the best I could to get the sand out of his coat. Once cleaned up, I went inside to do some organizing. The first thing I noticed when entering the Airbnb was the heat. I looked for the air conditioner right away and that's when I realized there wasn't one. How did I overlook this detail? I looked down and saw a small box fan and let out a laugh. Seriously? I looked up and there was one ceiling fan over the main bed. Oops! Thankfully San Diego weather is perfect almost all year around, but the heat inside the place was really noticeable. I also noticed no television. Great! I can't stand the TV on while on vacation. The place was quirky to say the least. It was decorated in a cute beachy way and had two queen beds, a kitchenette and a bathroom. The shower was almost too tiny for Mark to fit in to it. We laughed. Ocean Beach is old! The cottage floors sloped and felt spongy in some places. Outside we had a big picnic table, umbrella, barbecue and a thankfully we had a dedicated parking space in the back (This is extremely important in Ocean Beach). After unpacking and turning the fans on full blast, we walked a few blocks to a Mediterranean food truck for dinner. The falafel was great! We brought the food back to our picnic table and sat outside in the cool salty air talking the rest of the night away.

Shooter G.

Beach Cottage

Day 2

Went to breakfast at Day Break Island Grill on Bacon street. I had sourdough waffles and Mark ordered an omelette. We were the only customers so I worried about the quality of the food. Turns out the food was amazing. So much so that we went the next day and I ordered some delicious peanut butter, banana chocolate oat bread breakfast thingy that I wanted to eat every day for the rest of my life. The staff was laid back and super friendly. Businesses in Ocean Beach encourage you to bring your dog. It's probably the most dog friendly town I've ever been to. As soon as we walked in to the restaurant they plopped down a water bowl for Shooter and gave out menus for us and our dog. They have a doggie menu! I love that. After breakfast we changed and went to the beach. The Pacific Ocean is cold. Mark went in up to his waist and waded for a while. I stayed by our chairs and watched the world go by. The beach is my happy place. I practically grew up on a beach, so whenever I get the chance, that’s where I’m going. We walked Shooter in to the waves and all along the coastline. It was a pretty day.

After the beach we returned to the house, showered, rested for a while and went out for seafood. Shooter is the most well behaved boy! We're so lucky. He quietly lays under the table and watches things while we eat. After dinner we spent the majority of the time outside at the picnic benches then went to bed. The sun wore us out! Thankfully the cottage cools when the sun goes down.

Day 3 We went back to Day Break Island Grill and chatted with the waitress again. She was telling us about the town and how most of the people there aren't tourists. She said some of the homes are Airbnb's, but most are either owned or regular yearly rentals. It made sense because the area didn't feel touristy to me. It's extremely laid back and really quite. I expected it to be rowdy at night because I assumed all of the houses were vacation rentals, but I was wrong. You could hear a pin drop outside once the sun goes down. After the beach we grabbed some lemonade and walked through a tent festival where a bunch of legit hippies were selling all sorts of weird shit that only made sense to them. They had a giant bongo circle where twenty or so people slapped bongos while smoking giant blunts. The smell of patchouli oil was strong and the smoke was thick. I felt old. After getting a contact high at the festival we walked to the pier and around town to check out the sights. I didn't see one big box store. It was like the town was frozen in time at that 70's peak surf town time. Perfect.

Got home, took showers and slathered on as much lotion as possible to keep my skin from leathering. We hung out at our picnic table and talked a lot again. Yay for no television! Eventually beachy breezes fanned us to sleep.

Day 4

No matter how much sun block I slathered on to my body, I still managed to get a sunburn. I didn't bring an umbrella from home, but I still wanted to go to the beach. It was our last day! I called a couple surf shops and none of them rented umbrellas. Why would they? I took a shot and called an equipment rental place and they told me that they had one umbrella, but they didn't rent it out. They must have heard the desperation in my voice because they broke down and rented it to me for 15 bucks for 24 hours. Yes! The place was within walking distance so I picked it up. It was one of those big half dome umbrellas that you pitch like a tent. Even better! Mark wanted to check out Coronado Beach. We ran out of time the last time we were in San Diego so we gathered everything up and spent the day there. Coronado Beach sand has a mineral in it that makes the sand sparkle like there are diamonds in it. It's beautiful. The town is ridiculously rich. Nothing like Ocean Beach at all. The homes are in the multi-millions. Ridiculous. We pitched our half dome tent and went for a really long walk along the shoreline. Everything sparkled. The waves were big. Many were out swimming in the chilly Pacific. After our walk, we hung out under our half dome for a long time talking. Mark went in for a swim while I zoned out. Towards the end of our stay, we went for another long walk in the opposite direction. I didn't want to leave. Got back to the cottage in the late afternoon/early evening, took showers and walked to dinner to a Thai fusion place in Ocean Beach. The food was great. The air cooled down our sunburns. We ate outside and watched people pass. Shooter was under our table and was being the goodest boy. Sadness sunk in towards the end of our meal because we knew it was our last night. We had to go back to the Airbnb and pack up for an early departure the next morning.

We'll definitely go back to Ocean Beach. I hope the town stays the just the way it is and doesn't turn in to one of those instagram tourist traps.

Thank you for a great time Ocean Beach!

#oceanbeach #sandiego #socal #southern california #california #hippy #hippyshit #beach #surf #surfing

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nathank77 · 2 months

Text

5/3/24

9:26 p.m Edited

Whelp I didn't take any more drugs, after the 2 Benadryl, 1 Hydroxyzine and obv the half MG of xanax. I took the 3 hits of weed. Laid there with my eyes closed for 30 minutes and accomplished nothing. It was 10:35 a.m the last time I opened my eyes.

Then I closed my eyes again and I must have fallen asleep within 10-20 minutes. The Hydroxyzine generally takes 4 hours to cause sedation... it was at 3 hours by the time I fell asleep... the Xanax was over 5 hours in my system. Benadryl was over 4 -5 hours for the first dose and over 2 hours at least for the second. I assume the weed knocked me out as everything had been in my system for a while and it didn't do anything.

I woke up at 3:30 p.m and took 3 more hits, I felt myself start to fall asleep what I mean by that is- the hallucination starts to go completely silent. And the TV becomes more background. I know you can't feel yourself fall asleep. Maybe if I tried longer than 40 minutes I could have... but I didn't..... I got out of bed at 4:11.. with only 4 hours of sleep. I feel like shit and the hallucination feels so much worse bc of a lack of an adequate night of sleep.

I dreamt that I fell asleep playing bully and I was recording and I kept trying to track in my video how long my player stood still and how long I slept. Another trauma dream. It's awesome. I can't fucking black head that long. It's fucking torture. And now all I can think about is how long will it take me to fall asleep tonight. Great I got to sleep everyday for the rest of my life.

If this Xanax was a placebo then why didn't my black hairy tongue go away? Maybe she tested me wrong and it is viral or yeast? Idk. I do think she tested me right. My BHT is my proof but then why didn't I fall asleep when I was so heavily drugged...also why hasn't it been as effective the last few days.

Yea i planned to do the Kristen Report today and go to walmart for waters which is panic attack inducing now, well now I'm too tired to do the report. The longer it's on my list of things to do, the longer I'm haunted by it but I realize I can't plan it. Basically I have to accept that once I submit it her life is going to become a fucking shit storm and she may be living it up repercussion free but I only get one report, one essay, one statement and then they either toss it or pursue it... so I got to make it perfect... so I've got to accept that I can't plan it... one day I'm just going to wake up and be like I don't have enough time to game bc I want to get immersed or whatever. I don't have anything to do, do I really want to watch American Dad all day or? And just do it. Then I can't have impeding anxiety about it. It was stupid to plan it the day of getting waters cause I always get anxiety about that too.. but Kristen is much more traumatizing.

Anyways I went to stop and shop and walmart. My ac fuse must have blown awesome. It's an easy fix but it was fucking hot... I stopped at bjs. I got a lot of food. Got the waters but it was stressful.

I put in the renewal for my Xanax cause my pick up date is Sunday but she didn't approve it yet. I might have to wait until Monday. I'm worried about it..

Idk what to do I got to shower. Idk if I should continue to smoke weed. I did fall asleep and it very well may have been the weed. Even though it took time.

I have all these repressed feelings about Kristen, this constant hallucination that is ruining my life bc I can't connect with my father and other people, my ocd ruining my life, my health being something I'm always working on with chronic doctors appts. Idk I'm dying inside and I don't have anyone to talk to.

Now I'm worried about getting my xanax. Doing the report. FALLING ASLEEP. smoking weed or not... I mean I'm worried about the hallucination never going away. I'm worried that my life will never be what it was.

I hate worrying about my waters every Two fucking weeks. I don't have time to do anything, planning video games with shit always swirling around me. I need to get this report done and put it away. 4 hours is not enough sleep.

What if I hallucinate for the rest of my life? What if this is really my new life? What if I can never hear the wind in the trees again? What if all I can hear for the rest of my life is the same like 4-7 phrases...what if I never escape this hell? What if it never changes?

What if I never find a family and my life stays like this forever?

somniloquy- I was saying like som-u-lence bc I'm stupid and can't pronounce shit... and yesterday I thought two weird thoughts-

"If you don't get over the whole being a dork over your glasses then there will be no playful glasses banter."

Then I thought so-lil-o-quy pronounced that way and the thought was," I can deal with somniloquy" pronounced that way the right way... I looked up how to pronounce it and it was right... I'm not that smart. It wasn't a hallucination... sometimes I think maybe there is a mental connection but I can't believe in that bc my brain is broken...

But yea I'm really bogged down by my hallucination, my sleep issues, my decision to smoke weed or not to, my circadian, my ptsd, my ocd, my panic attacks, my heart, my report that need's to be filed and I only wish I wasn't so alone so I could have some help but I'm alone.

I'm the only one who cares about me and takes care of me and it's getting harder every single day

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ghostxofxartemis · 3 years

Text

OC Interview - Alexandra Shepard

@theoriginalladya left an open blanket, this looks like fun so decided to do it!

Tagging: @mai-nonsense (for your Shepley couple since you asked for asks last night -which I'll send you some later, my dear!), @occorner (for Grant). @mallaidhsomo (did you do Eric? I'm sure he'll have a grand ol' blast with this 🤣) .

(I seriously need to get her commissioned)

name ➔ Alexandra Destiny Hope Shepard, aka: Alex... Nickname: Girly (Lauren gave me that nickname. I'm anything but girly)

are you single ➔ nope. Recently engaged, actually. Can't seem to get rid of this guy since high school *smiles mischievously at Jason*

*Looks at Ashley: "Dad still knows how to dance after you taught him for your wedding right?!"

*Ashley, snorting: "your father dance?"

*John: "Oh c'mon! I'm not that bad!"*

*Ashley: "you're right. You're terrible! Don't worry it'll be fine. *

are you happy ➔ Yes

are you angry ➔ not often. Dad taught me many breathing techniques to calm myself when getting angry. Comes with doing martial arts really.

are your parents still married ➔ yes, they are disgustingly adorable - puking rainbows kind of adorable.

NINE FACTS

birthplace ➔ Space. *laughs* I was born on The Normandy, mom wanted a homebirth, but dad got a last min urgent mission and had to turn the Normandy around, they were half way back to the Citadel. Mom's water broke in bed 24 hours before the mission, I was born 3 hours before they arrived at the designated location. Don't think dad got much sleep before hitting the ground.

hair colour ➔ Dark Brown almost black.

eye colour ➔ Blue

birthday ➔ April 15, 2188. Yeah, a lot of birthday parties goes on during that month.

mood ➔ Happy

gender ➔ Female

summer or winter ➔ you're joking right? Do you know how cold it gets during winter? Give me summer please

morning or afternoon ➔ morning, best time to get your workouts or a good sparring session in and be fresh for the day.

EIGHT THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE

are you in love ➔ Yes

do you believe in love at first sight ➔ He was so dorky, referencing Superman/Supergirl, when he first came to speak with me. I knew we'd end up together eventually. Only took 4 years and 4 relationships in between… So, I guess...yeah?

who ended your last relationship ➔ Me, guy tried to come on to me when we went out to the arcade. He almost ended up with a broken arm...oh dad was furious… at him not at me, just to clarify.

have you ever broken someone’s heart ➔ oops, my bad. Sorry not sorry.

are you afraid of commitments ➔ no.

have you hugged someone within the last week? ➔ yep.

have you ever had a secret admirer ➔ is this a serious question? How the fuck do I know, it's a secret. People don't just come up to you and go "hi, I'm your secret admire".....*mumbles*....dumbass....

have you ever broken your own heart? ➔ uh… you running out of things to ask aren't you?

SIX CHOICES

love or lust ➔ both

lemonade or iced tea ➔ Coffee

cats or dogs ➔ I wanted to keep that goddamn Toad I caught when I was eight. Dad said no. But he's got fish and a space hamster… so...not...fair. The mech dog in the cargo hold is fun to play with.

a few best friends or many regular friends ➔ Both, made a lot of good friends at school, then basic.

wild night out or romantic night in ➔ one usually leads to the other

day or night ➔ Night

FIVE HAVE YOU EVERS

been caught sneaking out ➔ have you seen how long of a drop the Citadel has? Where the fuck am I to go when in space?

fallen down/up the stairs ➔ yes

wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ➔ No, maybe. I don't know.

wanted to disappear ➔ No.

FOUR PREFERENCES

smile or eyes ➔ Abs. Err... I mean both, all three. Shit. *hides behind hands*

shorter or taller ➔ Me or them? Me, shorter. Them; taller

intelligence or attractive ➔ Intelligence is sexy. It's a bonus if they're good looking. I got both. *winks at Jason*

hook-up or relationship ➔ relationship

FAMILY

do you and your family get along ➔ Absolutely. Couldn't ask for better parents and little brother, though he can be a pain in the ass at times.

would you say you have a “messed up life” ➔ no. It's not a normal life, both parents being Alliance and the only human Spectres, lived in space for most of it. But it's always been good. Full of unconditional love.

have you ever run away from home ➔ to run where? Space? I don't know about you, but I've been told it's not a pleasant experience getting spaced… I only know one person who survived to tell the tale. Though, technically he did die.. first.

have you ever gotten kicked out ➔ I don't think people want to deal with my father so they prefer not to kick me out when I accidentally get into bar fights? Hey, I didn't start it.

FRIENDS

do you secretly hate one of your friends ➔ what kind of stupid question is this. If I hated them, they'd know and wouldn't be my friend anymore

do you consider all of your friends good friends ➔ yes. Otherwise they wouldn't be considered a friend

who is your best friend ➔ Lauren and Jason.

Lauren and I got into all kinds of trouble back at Grissom together. We'd stay awake all night building pillow forts in our room and read. Teachers finally caught on and put her in a different room.

#meme #mass effect #ghost's OC character #Alexandra Shepard #snarky like her mother #sometimes like her father #oc interview

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marshmallowatheart · 6 years

Text

To All The Boys I've Loved Before (Part 30)

(1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (8) (9) (10) (11) (12) (13) (14) (15) (16) (17) (18) (19) (20) (21) (22) (23) (24) (25) (26) (27) (28) (29)

Dear Veronica,

Kissing you feels like the start of a new season, the sun in the early morning, and moonlight reflecting on the ocean. There is never a moment that I don’t think about your lips and how they make me feel when they are on mine.

I wish I were kissing you instead of just writing about it.

- L

P.S. You look beautiful today. You always do.

Veronica’s grin breaks through her face as she reads the note again and again. She bites her lip, grinning and embraces the feeling of being the absolute giddy teenage girl that she's come to be.

She’d fallen asleep with a smile the night they'd admitted to wanting them to be real and she'd been falling asleep smiling ever since with memories of his lips on hers and his confession of love playing in her mind. Logan Echolls really should come with a warning label and a list of side-effects; it's barely been a week and she feels addicted.

They’re in Journalism class when he slips her his note, he’s talking to Dick – hands wild and grin blazing as he talks about the upcoming surf competition they’re both sure to participate in when she reads the little poem he’s found for her. She softly smiles as he chatters on and she decidingly puts pen to paper.

Dear Logan,

things that fall

petals

tear drops

snowflakes

rain

stars

tides

eyelids

time

shadows

leaves

the sun

and I,

for you.

She’d seen this little snippet at a time when she'd thought her love unrequited. Ever since Logan had come back into her life and re-familiarised himself with her heart every little love poem, sappy quote, meaningful lyric became about him.

She’d never thought she’d actually share them with him but she hasn't responded to his notes before and she finds herself wanting to know if he'll smile at her note like she does at his.

She glances at his note, biting down on her lip and continues to write.

I love the way I feel when your lips are on mine.

- V

P.S. I wish you were kissing me too.

She folds it up, inks his name on the outside like he does with hers and lets it sit beneath her book as she waits for him to return to his seat beside her.

She hasn't actually given anyone a love note before. She's written her letters but those were just for her and she hadn't been the one to send them out - she didn't get the chance to feel the anticipation brim up inside her as the letters ventured out into the hands of the objects of her once affections.

She thinks that she could slip the note into his book and wait for him to open it but he's Logan and chances are he'll snark his way through class until the bell rings without opening his book. She could slip it into his pocket like he's done before but she doesn't think she can pull it off in the sauve way that he can. She could let it sit in his locker but she wants him to see it as soon as possible because her nerves are building as the note sleeps under her hardcover book.

He spins himself into his seat as Ms Dent begins to talk about layouts and interviews and things that Veronica should be listening to but can't seem to care about; she's got her on-going assignment and she knows she's not going to be asked to submit anything else along with it.

Her eyes find his brown ones between the chaos of their classmates negotiating on their assigned pieces. They're next to each other but not close enough to be touching

It's become devastatingly difficult to not touch him because she wants to feel his skin under the tips of her fingers and she wants to let herself fall in a spell of his fingers against her skin. Her body aches with the memory of his fingers on her neck and his lips on her jaw and it wants more.

She bites on her bottom lip and his eyes are immediately drawn south to her coloured lips that's peach, glossy and sweet - she thinks of his note and how he wishes he were kissing her - she finds herself looking at his lips too.

He looks like he wants to say something, whisper something to her, let his fingers touch her skin but he stays silent and tries to refocus, taking deep breaths and she knows that he's thinking about the four minute heated make out session they had in his car before they had to enter school this morning.

She sucks in a breath and leans closer to him. He moves forward, meeting her half way and she holds out her note for him between two fingers like it's something she's casually doing and she hopes it hides how much thought she's put into the simple act of passing him a little note - an act he's able to do everyday without a second thought.

She doesn't feel too confident about how she gave him the note, her body is jittery and she needs to turn away because his eyes are smouldery and his lips are looking as kissable as ever.

He looks surprised and soft and gentle and happy and she doesn't understand how his name sprawled on a folded side of the piece of paper incites so much of feeling into his brown eyes.

She looks away as he opens her note because as much as she wants to see his reaction to her words, her heart is beating a bit too fast and she's not sure if she can handle seeing his smouldering eyes without kissing him right here in the middle of class.

The minutes drag on to what seems like forever and the moment class is over he pulls her into the girls bathroom, slapping her out of order sign on the door - once again making use of the little red warning sign she initially only used for investigative purposes.

She's propped up on the bathroom counter, legs wrapped around his waist and his mouth on hers - hard, long, needy kisses.

Their hands are tangled around one another, grasping for closeness as they squeeze in their need for each other in the five very short minutes they have until their next class.

They haven't had time to be alone since their confession of wanting their relationship to be real. She's had soccer practice and Heather shaped obligations she's taken on while he's getting ready for surf competitions and accompanying his mother to formal events she'd rather not be alone at. The only time she's gotten to see him when he picks her and Heather up for school, at school and when he drops them home.

All they've had this week were stolen kisses between hours, brushing of hands as they go their separate ways coupled with heated glances from across the hallway. And Logan's little notes. Notes that flame the fires within her and make her feel the ache of not having him to herself now when he's finally hers to have.

They're late to their next class and Veronica's grateful for the tardy slips she's kept from months ago.

--vm--

It's Friday night and there's parties being thrown and appearances needed to be made but Veronica's home baking last minute cookies for Heather and her friends because she's written sleepover on Meg's to-do board that's hung on the side of the fridge and her dad is still working the night shift so she's got supervision duties.

She's working fast, shaping up cookies and baking them as quick as she possibly can. Her hair is a mess, the kitchen is a mess and the once neatly organised planner board is a mess. She remembers Heather swooning about Nutella filled crepes and fruit filled crepes and dozens of other homemade options that she'd had at her last slumber party because Lauren's mother is a perfectionist. Meg's never let them feel disappointment over not having something other kids had, she worked hard at cultivating fancy dishes and napkins and organising entertainment. Veronica wasn't about to be the one that damaged her sister's childhood.

"Ronica? Are you done yet?" Heather asks, tilting her head as she throws her bag on the side of the couch. "I need to be at Ophelia's in like thirty minutes so we have a bit of time before the sleepover."

Veronica's brows furrow, still working on the cookies, trying to be fast and diligent at the same time. "Why doesn't she come over here? I mean wouldn't that be easier?"

Her sister shoots her a quizzical look, plopping on a bar stole and stealing a bit of cookie dough. "Uhm no, we're staying over at her place, I told you this last week."

"Wait," Veronica stops, hands resting on the counter top as she looks at her sister in her eyes. "The sleepover isn't here?"

"No," Heather shakes her head, oblivious to her sister's incredulous expression as she licks her fingers. "Why would you think that?"

"Because," the older Mars blows out. "The board. Sleepover," she says and wants to hit her head for not being specific enough. She sighs. "Let's wait for this batch to be done, it'll take ten minutes more to bake and you can take it with you to Ophelia's."

Heather beams, bright eyes and toothy grin. "Thanks, Ronica."

She gives her sister a soft smile before she asks, "So are you and Ophelia good? I mean, did you talk to her?"

"I didn't have to," the little girl starts her story. "I saw Ophelia give Ryan her red balloon. She loves balloons. She wouldn't even let me have a balloon and I'm her best friend."

Veronica's brows furrow as she continues to stare at her little sister. "Because you always pop your balloons. It's like you're a human cactus."

Heather shoots her a glare. "Whatever. You don't understand how it looked under the sunset sky and the two of them smiling at each other. And she told him that she likes him."

"Were you spying on them?" Veronica asks, brow arched and tries to put on a disapproving face - she either fails or Heather doesn't take notice.

"I was observing my friends from a distance," the little blonde reasons.

"Uh-huh. Heather -"

Her sister doesn't let her finish as she continues with her story, "It's only after we went on the Ferris Wheel and Ryan gave me the red balloon that I realized that Ophelia was only trying to help him because she liked him as a friend."

"He gave it to you? I didn't see you with a balloon."

"Because it got popped," Heather tells her, sighing loudly like she misses the balloon. "Ophelia knew it would too. She thought it might break the ice between us, give us something to laugh at because I get nervous around him," she explains everything so quickly that Veronica almost doesn't catch the end bit but thankfully she's trained herself to be an attentive listener.

"Heather Mars, nervous?" Veronica clunks her tongue with the roof of her mouth. She looks at her sister nostalgically and says, "You're growing up way too fast."

--vm--

She texts Logan about her change of plans when she gets home from dropping Heather off. He doesn't ask her to come to the party with him, she doesn't really want to go but she feels disappointed that he doesn't offer because she does want to spend time with him even if it means sharing him with his friends.

She turns on her music, puts her apron back on, starts to finish off making the cookies and tries to let go of her woes for the night.

It's when she's cleaning up the mess she's made in the kitchen that she hears the unexpected chime of the door bell. Grinning before her, clad in a green shirt and blue jeans is her brown eyed, snarky and hot mouthed boyfriend.

"Hey," he lets out, soft and needy and she honestly wasn't expecting him to be here at her doorstep tonight.

"Hey," she breaths out, head tilted slightly, curious eyes and appreciative smile because she's happy that he's here. She missed him.

"Kiss the Baker," he reads, trademark smirk on his lips, looking at her with twinkling eyes as he comes in.

She closes the door behind him and gives him a curious look, he pointedly gestures to her apron with his brows and she chuckles, rolling her eyes.

He moves in closer to her, eyes set on hers as his arms come to wrap around her waist. "Who am I to deny the embedded command of the apron makers?"

She chuckles, teasing grin falling on her lips as she stares up at him with equal playfulness. Her arms snake up his sides and she adds, "You wouldn't want to upset them."

"Mm," he bops her nose with his before leaning in and whispering, "I wouldn't want that."

She sucks in slightly when his warm breath lingers on her lips before he closes the gap between them, capturing her lips with his in a sweet, sensual kiss.

He smiles, breaking from her before it got too deep. "Is that cookies I smell?"

She doesn't answer him, instead she moves her hands to his neck and pulls him back down to her, kissing him deeper and longer than their initial kiss. He has no qualms taking her into his arms and falling into the their kiss or the kisses that follow.

It feels good to not be in a race against time, they're on her couch when Veronica finds herself glancing at the clock. She knows that Casey Gant's party has already started so she asks Logan about it and all he does is inaudibly mumble against her skin and she can't help but chuckle in response. "I thought you wanted to go to the party?"

He nuzzles his nose into her hair and murmurs into her skin, "Not tonight. It's been too long since I've hand my Veronica full. I want to be selfish with you for a little bit longer."

He kisses her neck, lightly sucking careful to not leave a mark - not that he doesn't want to but he knows it'll be awkward for her and he doesn't want to put her in that position.

She aches into him at his words, lightly nods, his lips now pepping shoulder kisses as she airs out, "I didn't want to go to the party anyway."

He smiles against her neck, his nose pressing hard against her and she doesn't know why his nose of all parts of his body but it does.

She pulls back slightly, nudging his head up with her hands and kissing him senselessly. She's so filled with want and need and uncharted desire that she doesn't really know what to do with it. She just knows that she wants to kiss him until their lips are swollen and numb to the point where they can't kiss anymore.

Her lips find his neck, she peps kisses like he had done for her and he moves his neck easily to accommodate her. Her kisses line up to his jaw before she finds her way back to the crook of his neck and lightly sucks and bites. He groans, his neck leaning into her with force she hasn't felt before and she likes it. She wants him to do that more, make noises and press his body tighter against her.

He pulls away, capturing her face with his hands, he brings her mouth to his, kissing her fully and pouring his need into her. Their eyes are closed as they lean into each other, gasping silently for air between their long drawn kisses.

Her throat feels dry and the house is quiet reminding her of how alone they are. "Do you wanna go upstairs?" She means to be suggestive but she doesn't really know how to be especially not when he's pressed against her like this and she's melting into his touch. She thinks that the suggestion is obvious enough given the context of their position.

He leans in harder into her before bowing out. "I don't think that's a good idea," he breaths out.

"Oh," she lets out, disappointing breaking through the silence.

He tightens his hold on her, silently begging for her to not misunderstand him. "I don't want us to move too fast," he tries to explain, he's never had to have this particular conversation before but he often finds himself getting lost in the taste of Veronica and it takes everything in him to break away. They're alone in this house but he knows the sanctity of the couch will preserve him some limitations that her bedroom doesn't offer. He doesn't want her to regret him.

She nods her head against him, insecurity rattling it's way up her spine and he wants to assure her but his methods come in ways that he doesn't think she's ready for so he takes a minute and tries to gather his words. He holds onto her, letting his touch assure her until his words can. "I want you so much, Veronica," he finally whispers against the silence. "I don't want to ruin us by being too selfish."

"How is it selfish if I want you too?" She whimpers out against him. She doesn't know what she's promising. She wants his skin against hers. She wants him in her arms and she wants his mouth on her lips, her neck and everywhere his hands touch. He makes her want more but she's not sure what exactly more is yet.

He whispers his love against her skin and she revels in the glory that it brings. He doesn't move them to her room and she's silently relieved because she finds herself wanting more than she's ready for and she's not sure how he knows but she's thankful that he does.

They switch on a movie, wrapped in each other, fingers caressing skin and kisses in between snarky remarks. It's calmer than before and it feels good to just be in his arms.

#veronica mars #logan echolls #logan x veronica #love #heather button #heather mars #vm fics #vm fanfic #inspired by to all the boys i've loved before #to all the boys i've loved before #part 30 #logan's poem is an extract from the book pillow thoughts by courtney peppernell #veronica's poem was found on pinterest #i dont know who wrote it if anyone knows where things that fall is from please tell me

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