#trans journal

[dinosaureleanor]

Honestly I am kinda in shock learning about the discrimination that trans men talk about experiencing so I just wanna say for all the FTM, demiboy, masc-adjacent trans folks out there that your identity is valid & your experience as a trans person is important, never stop talking about it. Your adoption of masculinity is a beautiful thing and deserves to be celebrated. Being able to claim that part of yourself and share it with the world (or just yourself, if you aren’t out) is powerful and brave, and you deserve to feel good for it. Y’all are always welcome to a seat at the metaphorical table of my blog. Yall have all sorts of difficulties us trans girls don’t have to even be aware of, T shortages, being both subject to & assumed to perpetuate toxic masculinity, erasure of your voices in places your voice should be highlighted, exclusion from necessary resources, and that’s just the start.

I can’t fix it all but I can be a friend to yall & listen to your voices when you speak up. As trans people, we’re all in this together and we have to have each other’s backs.

I don’t want this to be a downer post so idk if you see this feel free to add some trans masc joy/celebration in the notes so folks can celebrate it! If you’re not trans masc seeing this post, check the notes and show our trans siblings some love :3

[bigdicksuckers-world]

[trashcanteatime]

Trans Journal because I need to gather some thoughts.

My mother is a scrapbooker, and has brought me to many events called "crops" through the years and I'm here helping at one today. We're sorting through photos to figure out which ones still need to go into albums. Which ones can be sent to my cousins. And I'm just absolutely cackling at some of these because you can see signs if you know what to look for. Six years younger cousin, who is also FTM, and I just being "tomboys". And there I am wearing jeans, a sleeves cut off flannel, and a ballcap. The butch vibes are so, so strong already. Cousin is rocking a Hulk tee shirt and jorts. You go, little me and little cousin. We were delightfully weird little tomboys and the love I see in these photos made us the men we are today.

I would also like to thank those who have the sentiment of "no, I was a weird little girl. I am the man I am now because I was a weird little girl" and echoed it until it reached me. That has helped so incredibly much with this task. I still cringe at some of these outfit choices, but it was the 90s and early aughts. The ones of my mom from the 80s are even better and damn does fashion cycle. But y'all have helped me approach these with a better mindset and now my Mom and I are calling most of these my "early drag era" because I was trying so hard to be FIERCE.

[fleetingfleetsuck]

[rhyzvee]

September is the month of mental pain. I understand why it is suicide prevention month (at least here in Japan), but at the same time, I wish I didn't recognise it.

I have been questioning my identity since around the time Covid struck. And I came out as trans last April - online only, NOT exposed in real life. Why? ..Best not to ask right now.

All this time, I feel like I am alone in this situation... Everything I’m going through… It’s far too complicated for anyone to understand. Multiple issues cross over, creating one large issue, and there are several of those…

I wish I could move to another country.

Keep in mind that Japan, like the majority of Asia, do not recognise and support neutral genders or “third option.” They act as if those does not exist in the world. Most if not all physically transitioned people via surgery do not get verification of transitioning, meaning that their “gender” (sex) does not change. Heck, HRT medications do not exist. And if those do exist, there would likely be a court battle (a formal request) before starting them. Much worse than UK’s 5-year waiting queue.

If you wish to move to Japan… You must make a sacrifice. You can’t be queer in this place. You won’t get rights.

Gender roles are a crucial part of Japanese society, and I wish that could change.

My personality and tendencies are NOT that of typical men’s. If I don’t talk much even when given the chance, I often walk with my hands waving sideways (only the right hand), or put one of my hand on my chest. I tend to lengthen my hair, and people around stops me from it. I wear oversized clothings with natural-looking colours now that I can choose on my own. I check my body, especially the tops, wishing I had different body shapes.

Every day, it’s just.. fighting mentally to live. I can’t ask people around me for help… I only ask to those who I trust.. online. None of them are in Asia. Could had been better if we were close.. and hug them. It’s only painful to be here.

I am falling through a depression loophole. No bottom to land on. Is there no hope for me..?

[punksludge-art]

Traversing the Journey of Self Love

Each day faces it's own new & unique challenges.

Prior to surgery it felt impossible to even see my reflection. If it wasn't a perfectly orchestrated self taken image, that masked my curves & chest, then I would never share myself.

Each time I looked in the mirror & saw who was looking back at me, it was a level of disconnect I genuinely thought would never go away. Like trying to see yourself but you see an imposter, an alien, someone/something that had an essence of yourself, but something was just so deeply wrong & off about it.

It gave extreme uncanny valley affect for me.

This feeling like I didn't belong.

Its been slowly changing as ive seen the effects of the testosterone do what it's meant to do.

As ive noticed my voice deepen, facial hair start to creep in & fill out, my jawline sharpen, feet growing, body hair growing thicker. Finally having chest hair...

Its given me a better sense of connection with myself. For each little change, brings me to one day looking in the mirror & finally start to see ME staring back into the mirror.

Its has been a cascade of emotions..

Self hatred seeped deep within myself, clinging to me like tar. Desperate for me to give in.

Thinking I would not live past 18. Feeling so trapped, so lost, so alone & yet so put on full display, all at once.

Now im nearly 3 months post op, & i can actually enjoy my self care. I actually speak love onto myself as I wash away the filth of the day, standing there, bare & naked. On display for my own self. A monumental moment for myself, as I finally faced my very own body without this drastic, desperate need to peel my own skin off.

I looked down for the first time post op, & even with tube's hanging from my sides, still attached within me, I cried. I cried hard. I cried tears of joy. Tears of relief. I cried for the part of myself that tried so hard to kill itself. The part of me who saw myself as a monster. The part of me that was so confused, so lost, so overwhelmed & so disgusted with my own body.

Each day i face myself in the mirror & i can actually smile, see joy. See ME looking back.

I face new challenges of self love. I am a short, hairy chubby guy. I've always been chubby but I had a chest to balance my body out. Now it's all belly. Now I look down & I see my chubby hairy belly. It sometimes is difficult because I'm not a stereotypical hot skinny trans dude that's conventionally attractive.

But even still, I can shower, bare & naked & i can do it with the lights on. I can do it & actually look upon my own flesh & not feel like i must tear it to shreds, desperately trying to escape it.

For I now look in the mirror, & i see ME.

No more feeling out of place. No more feeling hideous. No more fear over what my future of self love would be... for i have shown myself so much love, that I finally stood up, opened my eyes & truly saw my TV glow. I saw my TV Glow & i will never shut it off again.

[sharphalo]

12/5/2024 i just did my first T shot! i'm so fucking happy... i'm so giddy. it feels like my life is finally becoming mine

[nonbinarynarrative]

Hi, my name is Chase and this is my first post about my hormonal transitioning journey. I am an AFAB Nonbinary person, and I started my hormonal transition on testosterone 4 weeks ago. I’m currently 20 years old, and have been out as non-binary for most of my life, but always felt I wanted to go on testosterone to get the more traditionally masculine traits I desperately want. 4 weeks ago I finally got what I’ve been working to for years, and I couldn’t be happier. What I want to do on this blog is document how I feel and what changes I’ve experienced so that other transmascs can get another perspective on what it’s like and can prepare for if they want to go on testosterone or not. So to start, here’s how the first shot went.

My first shot was probably the easiest one weirdly enough. I had a nurse with me go over everything I needed to do to have a good injection, which I will post what information I gathered from her in a video format to help others at a later date. I injected, and I used a “shot blocker” to minimize the sensation of the needle, which worked. while I felt no pain, I did immediately feel warm and fuzzy and my heart rate increased, which could have just been placebo. Afterwards I felt just so so happy to had finally done my first injection. In the minutes after however I started to feel a burning stinging sensation around the site, but it went away after about 10 minutes and didn’t bother me too much, and my nurse said she’d never heard of anyone she helped having that side effect. In the week after, I felt unbearably hungry all the time, even when I was full. This continued into the third week, but then started to feel more bearable by this week (the fourth week). By the second week I started becoming incredibly aroused all the time, it wasn’t bad but it was a huge difference from what I was used to libido wise. This is still the case for me on the fourth week, and while I enjoy it with my partner, it can be frustrating as my partner won’t feel up to it as often as I do, which would normally be fine, but now I feel completely overwhelmed by my high libido and get frustrated with myself over it. On week three, I started noticing bottom growth. Very minor, but definitely there. The growth has been making me very sensitive in that area, but it feels good most of the time. I am very excited to be experiencing this, and every time I check and realize I’m bigger than I was 4 weeks ago I get so happy.

These are the main traits I’ve been experiencing, but not everyone experiences these, and these aren’t all that you can experience.

I’m so excited to be on this journey, and am thrilled with myself that I’ve gone forward with this, if you’ve been wanting to go on testosterone for years as an afab, I highly recommend going to an inclusive doctor and getting their advice on getting started.

[awetisomeopossum]

"My one year tranniversary approaches!!!"

Moxxie screamed into the void of unfulfilled validation she called.... a sparkly ball of spite somewhere centrally located in her meat mech....

JK!!! But for real y'all, my 1 year tranniversary approaches, and I thought maybe others would like to see how quickly we grow our wings!

As such, I thought I'd share a pre cocoon photo as well as a photo somewhere in the process of feminizing.

*it's white queso on tacos don't judge my depression tacos that I'm totally not eating in bed off my chest like a savage*

But wait! There's more!

For the No Mo price of validation! (I'm not shallow, just lonely 😭 Tell me I'm funny! 😬 Please.)

I will throw in a current photo, as I look, whenever I post it. But I won't be a punk about it and look all fake. Just regular "going out to vacuum and kick box"

As promised! 💋

Moxxie Danger ⚡💥☠️

[trashcanteatime]

This beautiful sentiment has actually helped me and my family so much. It helps my mom talk about my childhood in a way that no longer triggers me. It helps me articulate the fact that despite being born and raised by yeehaw culture, I still had a horse girl phase. I am the man I am today because I was a weird little girl. Talked to my cousin, who is also FTM trans, about this idea and he had an adorable stoner bro "Woah..." moment. A lotta things clicked for him too.

It also helped my mom figure out some of what being trans feels like. She was born and raised in a specific faith, but her faith and the faith of our family has long been a source of issues. (Not gonna get into it here but, yeah. Issues it putting it lightly.) Now that she no longer identifies as said faith and has converted to her true calling, the family treats her, and by extension me, pretty shitty. And yet there are some trappings that she still clings to. Some rituals and items that bring her comfort. Just as I have rituals and trappings from being a girl that bring me comfort and I love sharing them with my partner. I love seeing him with those little accessories and traits. Some are still for me, many aren't. And that's okay. So she understands that better now too.

trans people will literally go “i have a complicated relationship with my history with gender and sometimes see it as a gender i ‘used to be’ and i don’t really look like a cis person of either gender and i don’t think i can fit it into simple categories” and everyone will spontaneously combust

[trashcanteatime]

Trans Journal

Today was super rough at work but I'm home and reflecting and remembering a few weeks ago how a client absolutely *clocked* me during our consultation. He and his wife are discussing choices and he's referring to me and is using "they". If he slips and says "she" he immediately corrects himself.

Now, I work as a satellite to construction. This is an environment where I'm allowed to be obviously queer only because I have worked hard to earn my respect as the color expert who helps people make design choices quickly and happily. People will crave my insight on color and design, but they will go right to a cis male coworker (who all love doing the "oh I don't know, let me ask her" thing to them) on material choices. I am out to the coworkers at my location and a few others, and to the upper office, but not to 99.9999% of my clientele for obvious reasons. I have short hair, I bind, I have ionized metal earrings and that includes cartilage piercings. I've been on T for months and my voice is dropping but I still sound fairly feminine. And I'm in a company uniform, but I do like being visibly queer and this middle aged caucasian gentleman living in the Midwest clocked me as a they/them and he and his wife just rolled with it.

Makes me excited for when top surgery happens and I transfer to a new location. Gonna be a goddamn phoenix because fire will absolutely be part of the celebration.

Oh! Fun addition for the fellow enbies!

I send my mom trans memes sometimes and she loves the one where it's transmasc meetup [King of the Hill characters] transfem meetup [beautiful anime women] then transenby meetup [cryptids and the goblin king]. We were talking about how I prefer he/him/they/them because I do enjoy being nonbinary/gnc. I'm masc, but in a way where it makes sense that Dr. Frankenfurter riles me up. And I love cryptids. So now in her head enby=cryptid (affectionate) and I wanted to share because I am so proud of her progress as an ally. <3

[the-odd-ones-oddities]

What a way to start 2025 with my weekly T-shot!

[justmerrithings]

It was the night after the winter solstice in which I realized in the deep chills how much I want you to protect me even as I relinquish myself from my submission to satiate you.

How fully do I feel the edges of my mind reach out in paranoia because even mythic Paris' abandonment could not use death to escape from the desecration of Troy.

To rest the mind briefly in mythic condemnation as if to freeze the hands hoping to preserve them.

What permits someone to grant themselves their own humanity or to have any dignity at all?

Where negligence is unforgivable and I have nothing but unwilling negligence to justify the bears with claws that scratch and the bee that stings, how do I unhear the silent scream?

When other people forget why am I unable to in spite of the will to be different

[andromyny]

shaved my legs before sex. i felt so smooth and so feminine. my stubble caused friction burns all around my knees. it hurts to put on and take off clothes. it hurts especially to get my briefs on, the ones that make me feel most feminine. why must i feel pain in order to feel happy. why must i experience such discomfort when my whole life living in this body has been uncomfortable. is this my fault for shaving my legs? is this my fault for wanting sex? is this my fault?

[sharphalo]

i came out to my manager at work! he was really fucking nice and i'm feeling incredibly good about this

[trashcanteatime]

Extra curious about this one and wanting to record some thoughts since I may experience some of this one day.

I am out and open to my higher management. My store manager knows, my city and district managers know. And I may be moving to a different district a few months after transitioning. By this logic, I will be receiving a lower wage in my current district, but once I move after changing my name, markers, all that stuff will I perhaps receive higher wages due to being perceived as masculine in a very masculine industry? To not completely doxx myself I'll just say I work in building materials and do some of the creative work involved when I can.

But I would like to note down some extra thoughts about that bit specifically. At the moment, I would say that at first glance I look like a butch lesbian. Which is intentional. I try to visually code myself as being a masc queer, and if the first instinct of a cishet client is to clock me as butch and leave it at that, it's cool. Some guys have the energy of "oh? You like women too? Women are great!" which is generally amusing. And there are those that clock me as queer and/or female and treat me worse. Not allowed to help with their materials questions, they ask one of my cis male coworkers, then come crawling back when they need a design question answered or the coworker cannot answer the question. (Which is a lot of the time.) There are also those that seem offended by my queerness, and while I haven't received threats to my face for a while, my coworkers have removed clients from my presence because of what they said behind my back.

But things are changing. I'm on T. I have my top surgery consultation set up. I will be working on legal markers during the downtime for surgery. The current goal is to move me to a different facility upon my return to work with my masculine name, markers, chest, facial hair, everything. Will the first bit of "privilege" I actually will get to experience be a client asking me a question, believing my answer, and not fact checking with a cis male coworker? Will I automatically have more respect by being male in a misogynistic industry that is changing all too slowly? Or not? Because no matter what I'm gonna get clocked as being some flavor of queer? For the most part, I actually enjoy my industry and work. I really do. This is merely a journal entry of thoughts and feelings and concerns for the future brought up by the idea that as a t-guy the wage gap that shouldn't exist in the first place may close for me. I guess we'll see.

So I've seen "trans men and mascs get paid more and find it easier to get hired and that's a level of privilege" go around recently. Which I've been reading into and trying to find sources for, because it's something I could imagine is true but also I don't like just believing things that people state online without backing it up.

The main source I've seen for that argument cited the United States Transgender Survey 2015. But I also found an article titled "The labour market outcomes of transgender individuals" by Matthew Shannon ( found on sciencedirect ) that cited the same study and argued that trans groups assigned female at birth had significantally lower incomes in general. It also had some nuance; trans men who transition younger tend to have higher incomes than those who transition later in life, whereas trans women who transition younger have worse incomes compared to their older peers.

I'll be honest, I don't feel individually qualified to judge whether Shannon's paper is making good points and interpreting the data well. But I'd love to see other people's opinions on it, if you or your followers have any.

i would say it's situational

if the trans man passes well enough and/or is not out to their coworkers, their employer may choose to give them higher wages because they are being seen as a man. that's not the trans man's fault by any means. they did not transition specifically to get higher pay. they're not in control of what the employer pays them- the employer quite literally sets the pay rate. if they choose to pay more because they're a man, it's on the employer

however, there are so many trans men who can't or don't pass, never get their names or gender markers changed, or are never viewed as men in their workplaces and treated like women, thus, having worse wages, hours, privileges, positions and so on. generally speaking, a trans man isn't very likely to benefit from this at all. i never did because of my deadname and gender marker. i always got the same pay as my female co workers.

if anyone else would like to comment, feel free. it sounds like there's some nuance being left out, but that could just be me