i keep thinking about hobbies and how i often spill over myself to pick up new ones. i have adhd, i end up trying something for like a month and then just getting far enough in it that i move on, satisfied.
and that should be fine; but it's never fine.
i am a pretty decent artist; but i can't just make art for my dnd campaign, i should be selling dnd maps and character designs and scene setting pieces. i can't just make my friends matching earrings, i need to get an etsy and ship them internationally and take bulk orders. i make pretty good props and decorations and use them to throw my friends parties - but i should be running a party planning business and start taking paying clients and networking and putting my skills to actual use.
for some reason, i never figured out the specifics of pottery. it was a fun class and i enjoyed myself - and still, i'm embarrassed, years later, that i put in all that useless effort. everything i make has to be stunning. stellar. i should have applied myself more. maybe i'm too lazy. maybe i'm broken and selfish and needy. actually creative people would have kept going; they would be bettering themselves at every possible opportunity.
we find ourselves in this trap, even accidentally: we need to commodify our time, because it is a commodity. if we spend our efforts and our time not earning, isn't that the same thing as burning free money? and god forbid you ever take up a hobby that ends up being more expensive than you thought. you sit in your car and you look at the receipt and in your head you hear a conversation that isn't even happening - your mom or your friend or your partner all saying oh great. not this shit again. it's always something with you, and it never actually means anything.
i have realized this horrible thing, recently - i'll get excited to start a project, pick up a new hobby. and then i just... stop myself. i start thinking about the amount of time it will take, and how it'll look in my monthly budget. what if i can't even produce a good enough final product. sure, it's exciting to think about how i could make my friend her own custom dice. but i'm just polluting the earth if i don't get it right. better not bother. better not try.
restless, i get caught in the negative space. the feeling that oh god, i want to create. and that horrible sense - yeah, but i don't have the time to just put to waste.
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it kind of sucks seeing ppl have that mentality of like oh you live in a republican state that sucks hope you can get out of there soon like esp with all the. trans stuff going on. like idk man i like where I live. all my friends and family live here it's where I grew up I like all the nature and the food and everything I just hate the fucking demons in charge of everything
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consider:
post-whole cake, Sanji wants to cuddle Usopp as much as physically possible and finally marry him
post-wano, he is terrified of even touching him
Usopp wouldn't understand, of course, because how could he? (Sanji didn't tell him) Sanji was a disaster waiting to happen and he didn't want to hurt Usopp. God, he never wanted that.
So on their way to Egghead, suddenly Sanji's declarations of love are more strained. He stops finding excuses to be alone with Usopp. Actively turns down Usopp's own invitations.
Usopp himself is absolutely miserable, to the point that everyone had noticed. Sanji could see it too, clear as day, but he couldn't do anything about it. He didn't want his partner to know how messed up his body had become so he had to keep his distance and avoid any situation where he might hurt him.
Zoro takes it upon himself to make good on his promise to kill him, just for a different reason this time. He says as much to Sanji after Sanji ignored his very eloquent advice of "grow a pair and use your words". The reminder of that little promise on Wano has Sanji fighting harder and sloppier than he meant to and- well, Zoro has perfect control of his blades, but he can tell when someone doesn't care about getting hurt.
Zoro refuses to fight him despite Sanji's attempts at goading him. Declares that he won't fall for his stupid shit until Sanji figured out whatever was eating him up. He doesn't exactly offer an ear to listen, but Sanji can't fucking take his stupid attitude so he drags Zoro to the galley and barks at everyone to stay out. Then-
Then he's bawling his eyes out, sniffling and hiccuping, drool and snot running past his chin. He's gross and disgusting and he's getting it all on Zoro's robe on purpose, mind you, because the mosshead sucks and how dare he make Sanji confess his deepest fears like this.
"I don't wanna reach for a hug and suddenly end up breaking his arms!" he blubbers into Zoro's shoulder, hugging Zoro tight and gripping the back of his robe. "I don't want to lose my emotions one day and hurt him because it's funny!"
And Zoro, quiet and loosely holding Sanji, will say, "You're doing fine with me aren't you?"
Sanji just kind of. Freezes. Mechanically looks up at Zoro, his face completely blank. Takes a few moments to realize he hadn't torn through the green fabric and that if he'd put too much pressure, Zoro would've pushed him away by now.
The next moment his face lights up- a disturbing thing for Zoro to be faced with- and he's running out the door calling Usopp's name even more loud and lovey dovey than usual.
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I had a sudden urge to worship Xie Lian. Like make an altar and all that fun stuff
Heck I'll make one where I worship HuaLian. Why not? It isnt illegal.
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