#idk i wish my brain would shut up
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can’t tell if i’ve fucked up this courtship and we won’t get back to where we were and how nice it was, or if i’ve just woken up in a bad mood and i’m being overdramatic
#it’s probably the latter#i do half regret what happened#but like i had to communicate my feelings#and we’ll probably be fine and be okay again#i’m just being impatient for it bc i’m stressed#idk i wish my brain would shut up#genuinely feels like whenever i do it’s gonna object#literally idk what my brain thinks is worse#abject loneliness or dating somebody#bc i know it’s not just the girl#it’d happen#for whoever i was seeing#it’s so stupid!!#currently i seem to care too much or too little#also my brain is tricking me like in the two days we’ve been seeing other people she’s gonna have met someone and leave me#i think that’s also just old insecurites bc uhh fun fact: this has happened multiple times so my fears aren’t entirely unfounded but also i#know i’m being paranoid a lot of the time in relationships and that completely ruins everything#but tbh i can’t be mad bc we’re not even dating properly and like i’m a mess imaoooo#so dating somebody else would probably be good for her#idk i’m just saying words at this point#but anyways lol
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God. The Terror. I could watch those wretched Englishmen suffer and die over and over and over. Forever. And I will. And I do 🖤
#i have compiled a list of every reference to god within the dialog of the show. bc im normal and i think the picture it draws is#interesting and ive written half a script to talk abt it. i just wish i knew how to edit videos. i would make so many terror edits#but i have literally no idea where to start with all that. also reading the scripts is so so so so good#like there r so many things that make more sense to me now. despite having watched the show like many many times#but then there r things where im still like. hey wtf does that mean??? hello??? what the fuck???#i guess most of that comes from the episodes with as unreleased scripts but like the hodgson catholic church monolog like like unfathomable#to me. i mean like i think i get what theyre going for but also like i dont understand. probably bc im not actually v good at literature#analysis lol. i need someone with an less purely analitical brain with extensive terror knowledge to like double check me lol#also. fucking mr Hickey. idk what it is abt him but i truely hate him in a way that is unmatched. hes insane. murdered a man for a trip to#Hawaii and ended up freezing in the arctic for 3 years. clown behavior 🤡#idk i just love the miniseries so so much. i was talking to my dad for a sec abt reading the scripts and he was baffled and i was like oh#yeah no one gives a fuck. shut up lol#amc the terror#terror rambling
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having did and being online in any capacity is so fucking exhausting because you literally can't go anywhere without seeing the most heinous takes about your existence or validity it's like. can we be normal. can we please be normal and Chill for like two seconds.
#HEADS UP: this accidentally turned into a huge rant/vent feel free to get the hell out el oh el#i try reallly hard not to talk about it too much here because you can. offhandedly mention the mere concept of did or osdd or any#dissociative disorder and its like. people will not shut up about how its not real or how its people being delusional or kids being cringe#like. can we go. two seconds without treating people with mental disorders like a spectacle. please. you dont have to have a ''take'' on it#idk and i also avoid online did communities bc theyre the most exhausting spaces you can ever be in and theres constant fighting about#literally anything and everything. like. maybe i would like to find a space to meet other people with similar experiences to my own.#and we dont get that!! we literally cannot get that. and this goes for a lot of mental health related stuff but like my god#and im very lucky to have other people i know in real life who also have did so i can in some amount have that support system (hah.)#but it is EXHAUSTINGG that people cannot go literally a day without saying something stupid about systems#or i can be following someone for years and unprompted they will saysomething heinous thing about did and hide it behind something like#get a load of how weird and cringey kids are getting online these days.#and CHRISTT thats a whole OTHER issue i REALLY dont wanna talk about because it has its own whole set of nuances but like jeeeesus#is it really so hard for people to grasp that brains when exposed to traumas at a young age will be affected by it in weird ways.#idk man ive been seeing a lot of offhanded disregard for systems recently and it's so normalized and it's starting to get to me i guess#i wish people could just go well this is something i dont understand and dont need to have an opinion on and move on with their lives.#what the hell ever this is all to say having did has impacted my life in a lot of complicated and intricate and hard to explain ways and it#sometimes painful and awful but other times is an incredible experience and ALSO. most IMPORTANTLY !#i should be able to make jokes about BEING FRIENDS with SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG!! in REAL LIFE!!!#and not have to deal with SUICIDE BAIT IN MY INBOXX BECAUSE OF IT!!!#WHATEVERRR !!! RANT OVARRR I HAVE NOODLES TO MAKE AND EAT#.... WITH my friend SHADOW!!!#.txt#and btw this isnt about anyone ik here so dont worry im not upset with any mutuals etc etc and all that.#in fact i love getting the chance to chat about it n it can be fun to teach stuff to people who know how to like...be normal about it LOL#<3
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hah
#really just mentally unwell right now i think i might say and do things i regret i feel so awful and sad and upset and i know my brain is#messinf with me idk if its my meds or just my disorders fuckings wirh me#really life is sure somethinf#i keep thinking about suicide and its something i dont wwant to be thinking about especially right now but my brain its just#its just controlling me and idk how to stop i feel like i need to talk about this with people but i feel like i have 1 or 2 people i can#talk to that wont see me as a freak but also i dont want to put everything on them#but also who do i talk to i know it will help me to talk but i also know using socials as a diary isnt good but its always what i have done#i also know some mutuals probably wish i would shut the fuck up and i shoukd i really should hah#idk its my blog who cares but also i scared of upsetting people and talkinf about wanting to kys upsets people#idk whats goinf on im sorry#if you read all this lol hi
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mentally ILL?? more like mentally LLIving my best life😎😎😎😎
#it’s LLIt out here!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -me taking my meds again after being off them against my psychiatrist’s wishes#my friend gave me a berry immune drink packet mix it tastes like how those flintstone vitamins tasted from childhood#i’m trying not to let that thought enter my brain tho bc it makes me wanna puke but like i wanna drink the drink i think sooo…..#idk y i keep forcing myself to eat n drink stinky not good tasting things#it’s bc i have like no food lol or like no food i wanna eat smh but i am such a snacker#how am i a snacker w no snacks……MAKE IT MAKE SENSE🙄#anyways idk why i’m talking abt this#i just realized i haven’t taken my meds yet today hmmm i woke up at 4:30am so i was trying to like wait until the actual day started#i’m gonna take them w that nasty gross drink beverage mmmm 😋#shut up cianna#edit: just tried drinking the drink i can’t do it it’s literally like someone took those flintstone vitamins crushed em up into a powder#then said directions add water and i’m pissed bc i just wasted some#britta filter water on that nasty packet#oh well i’m dumping it out idc i would literally rather drink regular water than that dusty chalk fake berry shit ugh
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Do you have any advice on how to bring attention to a project without being annoying? I'm asking as a anon cause I'm not sure if this is a okay question to ask-
Sorry if I'm annoying, I hope you have a nice day
honestly have NO idea, it's still something im learning as well.
the most i do in regards ta my personal project two is link it in my pinned post n make posts abt my ocs sometimes lol
at some point i wanna reblog some of the comic pages ive made onta here since this blog has more of a following but-
ig my advice as of now would b ta yell abt it rlly loudly in your own blog space. post abt it!!! make silly doodles if you're an artist!! post snippets of wips!! write long ass blog posts abt it!! talk ta ppl abt it if you're able ta bring it up in conversation!!!! it's your thing!! b loud abt it!!
#spacie splains#dont worry abt annoying me lmao#the only way you'll annoy me is if ya send a bigotted ask#hrrrnnng is this good advice??#IDK MAN IM IN THE SAME BOAT AS YOU#'man i wish more ppl would read two.... but oh god if i advertize it that means ppl are gonna read it oh god'#'its not good enough ta read oh oh jesus'#IMPOSTER SYNDROME!!#GET OUT OF MY HEAD#ANOTHER THING!! IF YOU HAVE ISSUES W/THINKING UR WORK ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH YA GOTTA POWER THRU THAT AS WELL#THE BRAIN B FUCKED UP PUSH BEN GOBLIN INTA THE FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#self advertisment is kinda weird cuz i feel so dirty doing it#no no....ill just shut up abt this nobody cares hooo ooohoo#but then ya hafta do it anyway!!!!!!!!!
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Me about to fall apart
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😤
#iyiyiyiyiyiyiiiiiii#I wish you could go into your brain and delete someone#I just had a dream about you#which is dumb cause I haven’t talked to you in awhile#but idk why I’m so hung up on you#I know it would never work#and it’s probably for the best we stopped talking#but now why oh WHY are you still in my head#I just want you out pls#I had a dream where I met them for the first time#and it was super cute#and now I’m all mad#I just wish when you want to get over someone you could replace their face with someone else’s#from now on I’m going to dream about uhm#hook from once upon a time 😂😂😂#first person I could think of tbh#but you get my point#I’m just kinda sick of being hung up over someone who doesn’t even think about me#shut up rosie
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okay but how do you ask for help when your childhood makes you feel guilty for needing help and the help that you need feels rude to ask for
#im really struggling to function rn and i finally accepted that i wont make it to my appt without help#so i posted on my snap story asking if anyone could come over for a few hours to help me get back on track#n. two people replied saying they cant but hope i find someone but no one else has replied at all#i knew the answer would probably be no bc no one has time to come all the way here to help me to do tasks i should be able to do alone#but idk i thought i might get some comfort or encouragement or something. just some acknowledgement#i wish i had a group chat or something where i could reach out to people. bc things like snap stories people are just flicking past#i NEED to change the kitty litter today i have no choice its unusable and needs changing but i just. how. i am so tired#i have a ridiculous amount of glasses n crockery specifically for when i struggle like this n yet im still almost completely out of them#bc i just. cant do the dishes. i dont even have to wash them they just need to go in the dishwasher n i Cant#my brain just completely shut down once i got back from the trip#especially bc i got a cold n i dont cope well being sick at all#but of course thats another reason i feel bad asking for help. bc my house is full of germs. n i dont want people to get sick bc of me#but i am running out of food and clean dishes and bench space and i just. cant do it alone rn#but i used up my asking capabilities posting on snap#posting on insta would prob get more people to see it but insta feels. much more public#i dont use my insta stories like ever so it feels like a Lot to post on it for this#n when i asked for support after my parents divorce i only got a couple responses anyway#n this is. not worth support. like its a problem of my own making? i went on the trip knowing it would be a Lot for me#i wasnt planning on getting sick And getting an infection which are both exhausting me a lot but thats not the point#idk im just beating myself up over here. idk how to ask for help esp bc i expect the answer to be no anyway#like who is gonna travel an hour+ to help their friend clean their kitchen and fill out paperwork. im 28 i should be able to do that stuff#these tags are getting very maudlin and mean to myself. sigh. i wish i didnt feel so guilty when i need help#i wish i felt like i was allowed to ask for and accept help#love that childhood and autistic trauma haha lmao#anyway. brains are annoying. and im struggling a lot.
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On the one hand I have alot of self restraint when it comes to me doing things that I know will eventually hurt me but also I really want to do the things that will hurt me.
#wish I had the same urges for helping myself in the long run instead#but alas I want to no longer be a thinking human being who feels things#wouldnt life be so much better if you just gave in and then die? I think it would.#like genuinely all I’ve been thinking about is alcohol I want alcohol so bad#and I almost accepted some cigarettes from a coworker I am not having a good time#I cannot let myself have any nicotine I know I will become unbearable and the absolute worst human being#I am barely a decent human being now#like realistically I know I should like. not purposely do things that end up hurting me or cause actually harm to my body#but also I genuinely want nothing more than to simply not exist#but also doing certain things will make me more aware of my body and of my thoughts#idk very much a ‘I think I need therapy’ hour#the thing vents#idk not really negative but I’m tired of having ‘ooooh you want to drink so bad oooooh you want to smoke so bad oooooo#‘oooooh you want to hurt yourself so bad so you can stop having these thoughts oooooo’#like shut the fuck up and enjoy the moment and be happy but my brain fucjing wont
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I love being reassured that I’m definitely aro
#okay so let me explain#when I watch romcoms it hits in my brain of like wow I wish I had a partner that would be nice wouldn’t it#so recently I’ve been watching all this stuff and it’s made me sad that I probably don’t fit in those boxes#a thing that I am perfectly comfortable with and very much so okay with… it took long enough for me to be okay with me but anyways#so I’ve been hanging out with my friend and idk I feel like we’ve been borderline flirting and my brain was trying to shove me into that box#and then cue panic mode because wtf#so I went over this kid’s house yesterday and he wanted to have a sleepover and it totally didn’t feel like a normal let’s watch Star Wars#i texted my mom to pick me up after like 3 hours#and my mom picked me up and I internally lost my shit for a while just thinking#but brain went hey why are we trying to be something we aren’t stop panicking just be yourself not someone else#so it’s not like I would have dated this kid bc I don’t do that but it felt like that direction and it made me uncomphy#and in a strange kinda way that is a comfort as a reassurance that I definitely know stuff yk#like I find myself in situations then I’m hit with a oh yeah I’m definitely aroace no matter what people say#and it totally doesn’t help that my GSA advisor tries to tell me that I’ll find love eventually!!! as if that is a good thing to tell a teen#idk I just wish there was actual good rep for aros like I wish I had a character I could see and be like wow I’m actually normal#and I know normal is the wrong word bc there isn’t anything wrong with me it’s just I don’t know many aro people at all and it sucks#shhhh shut the fuck up ollie
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sick of living in this body and of wishing it was different like jesus who caress
#shut up hanna#goblin brain: u should be skinnnyyyyyyy#literally shut UPPP who cares#its like its just muscle memory. wishing i was smaller#but even sometimes like. ill feel so sick all of a sudden and like. panicky like claustrophobic in my own skin#like i need to take it all off like im being suffocated by my own flesh#what the fuck is that#ill never forgive the 2014 thigh gap era pro ana bullshit#no one has said anything bad about my body in YEARS. but im still like#i still feel like the 13 year old that would get asked out as a joke and it was a hilarious punchline#and i would Like to be good at ballet and i would Like to be able to be lifted#but like. now all my friends and roommates for the most part have larger bodies than me#so i cant like. talk about how i feel even tho its really about how i feel more so than how i actually look#but it is a little bit about how i look but i know i only dont like it bc its me !! and if i was smaller or larger i would#not like it either way bc i just have been trained to resent my body bc it is mine#idk. idk. i always feel like i have to apologize after these#bc i know that like. technically currently i meet the body standards for conventionally attractive adults etc etc etc#but its not about that!!!!!85#its about me!! its about me#and my therapist quit so 🥰#yall get to hear about this ❤️
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do u ever feel like u wanna move on but can’t get that one person out of ur mind
#wish i was brave enough to do something#but the thing is i don’t want to like push myself onto someone if they don’t like me back#cause that’s like embarrassing for me but can’t help I LOVE THEM#i don’t rly regret anything because i feel like a better person but im too anxious to reach out#well I guess I used to love them I’d have to get to know them all over again like shit changes#but i missss them#it’s like I wish we could meet all over again in a totally normal way#im just tired of waiting to bump into each other like that may never happen#But I’m too scared to reach out and seem weird like I’m so back and forth#idk forcing shit seems so wrong but i don’t rly know how she feels#idk why I’m so frightened to talk w her it’s not like we’ve never talked#i just feel like being in a relationship w her would be sm easier than it was before.. maybe cause we’re older#why should i give up on somebody that i really like#i can’t expect someone to chase me forever though#my brain won’t shut up
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why does my mental health take such a nose dive every-time I get sick
#shut up brittney#like I am not doing well at all and I’ve had a cold for like two days#I know it’s a what came first type of thing#but also having like .5 percent of a support system is ruining me#my partner and I got into a fight over my mh stuff which is honestly fair#like yeah he loves me and wants to help but that doesn’t mean me blowing my shut up doesn’t affect him and make him upset too#idk I’m just still raw from it I guess#and I want to talk to him about it but it’s 4am and I’m at work#and he’s asleep in bed at home and I just wish he would take the damn day off so we could work on this#but I know that’s not realistic and it just sucks#I gotta finish work and go home and make sure my kid eats and is ready for school#and then find time to sleep and pick him back up from school and still be a parent and find more time to sleep before I go thru this again#every night this week#god I had being bipolar o wish I could just chuck my brain across the room so days
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thinking abt how i’m already a chronic maladaptive daydreamer w a sensitive sidereal pisces moon in the 8th house and having access to klonopin is like a forcefield of protection for my brain and body it’s only times like these i feel safe enough to come out of hiding and glide around the real world for a little bit before the drugs wear off and i dive back into my other multi universes and try to experience life through them instead except but lately it’s gotten harder and i think it’s because i’ve been so out of touch with reality for so long that i got stuck in this weird state of writer’s purgatory i used to be able to draw so much inspiration for my characters and story plots from the real world but now it’s blanks ……..i need 2 go outside n touch grass or smthing how do i feel connected to myself and the world again i don’t want to but i think that’s the reason why i can’t write anymore as much as i try…i spent >17hrs a day trying to organize 4 different stories at a time my brain is scattered im losing hope and motivation all over again …. alllll over again!!
#also i would like 2 add that pisces + drugs r Not a good combo bc pisces are already prone to escapism#finding out i’ve been a sidereal pisces moon all along rlly changed a lot for me like when i’m actively present in reality my aries moon#she’s like grrrrr emotional rampage chaos like the aries moon sun stereotype??? no bb that ones for the Moon lmao#i hate the term maladaptive daydreaming i feel like everyone uses it like haha im so quirkyy but like#ok listen i’m not trying to put myself on a pedestal if anything their comments just make me want to invalidate my own feelings anymore#i’ve been told i struggle w imposter syndrome i didn’t like when my therapist told me that it didn’t make me feel any more validated#i felt like she was lying to placate me#i wish i could’ve taken up writing in a healthier coping mechanism way but instead i let it take over everything my entire world#i could’ve graduated college w a way better gpa n shit but no i wasted hours writing instead of assignments and still i have nothing to show#maladaptive daydreaming ruined my life i want to cry i can’t believe im saying this when i condisdered it my safe space for so long#my sanctuary my garden of eden what have i done i feel like i just ate fruit from the tree of knowledge and now i see i realize i was never#i was never safe anywhere . my stories entrapped me i lost all my friends bc i liked the ones in my head so much better#now i’m alone and lost and stuck between 2 worlds i can’t believe how i used to write 30 diff works in progress at one point i had ideas#now i’m stuck in a cycle of recycling new and old ideas there’s nothing new i get lost and confused i’ve entangled myself in this web#this story web!! haha lol#idk what im saying im going to shut up now my brains foggy#i have an idea but it’s not appropriate for tumblr so im gonna write it down in my dumb journal#ramblings
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ich kann nicht einschlafen
#oh mein gott zis brain is full of overthinken#im worried about something bad happening that prevents me from going to qc#like. my mom asked me this evening where my passport was#and i was like girl idk don’t you keep the passports#which she has. for my entire life. sorry for not getting the memo that you randomly decided one day that i was in charge of it#anyway so if neither of us can find it im going to start ripping the insulation from the walls and eating it#ive been sitting in bed with my brain going on loop about college and finishing high school and just. everything#it’s snowing out so that’s nice#im tired and i wish that i could either fall asleep or Not be tired and go for a walk#and get some snacks. mmmm a girl needs a 3am piece of toast every so often#though if i got up and started doing stuff around the house i would probably wake the puppy up#he gets angy when he hears other people walking around and he’s in his crate#like sorry bestie maybe you should stop ripping our shoes apart every time we leave you unmonitored for five seconds#he’s a sweet boy though and i love him dearly. even if he climbs on furniture like a cat#i have so many cross stitch projects to do and i keep thinking of more people i wanna make stuff for#i have thirteen projects to finish by may :)#two of which ive started and several of which i haven’t even made or purchased patterns for yet#its fine its fine its so fine and normal#god i am so exhausted but my brain will not shut up#i should stop babbling in the tags of a tumblr post#maybe i could put on a nice relaxing video essay about art#instead of one about corrupt politicians or Economy Bac or any of the other many things that are wrong and terrible#ough#k that’s enough
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