#idk just dont buy me anything. and dont make me buy anything. im already spiraling

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[wintermutal]

since im already going off on fountain pens i am now going to hold you all at gunpoint and force you to absorb the fountain pen knowledge ive gained through osmosis in the fountain pen subreddit over the past few weeks whether you want it or not. this is all coming from someone who really didnt use pens at all until i found a tester fountain pen for $1.50 in a staples clearance box and it was like adopting a puppy when youve never had one before

- modern fountain pens look normal. like theyre just normal pens with a different nib, so its not like youre causing a scene or even really looking pretentious if you write with one in public. this was a big surprise to me. they're also very functional, as in like, you dont need to dip them in a little ink well to use them or anything. like its the same but it just feels...different. nice

- the cheapest ones are the model i found initially, the pilot varsity model, which go for $3.50 full price and are good for that price. the most popular 'normal' ones above that are the lamy safari models in the $15 range, which come in a few aesthetically pleasing colors; i started using these to study around my birthday and got one as a gift, and its like, very nice all around, 10/10 writing utensil, and you can change out the ink if you want instead of throwing them away when they run empty (more on this later).

- im guessing the people on the FP subreddit know this and don't seem to care, or maybe like, im just not enlightened enough to understand, but it really seems like there's a rule of diminishing returns with these pens. the switch from a ballpoint pen or pencil to a cheap fountain pen is very nice, and the switch from those to a lamy one is also very nice and gives you the added feature of changing the ink, but once you get past that, it seems like...like they just get fancier without much noticeable improvement if youre just like, some guy using a fountain pen for writing things? like from there you get to real afficianatos showing off their new Elsador F69420 Boot Ass that they got for $40-$80, and then the people showing off their $170+ fountain pens that they got for their wedding or something, and then you can get golden nibs that get even more pricey (which are apparently to die for...for some reason?) and thats without considering all the repairs and work you can have done on them like youre taking your car to the shop? like maybe if youre a jaded fountain pen diehard user the upgrades here liven things up again but i just...i do not see the utility. like again im probably just not enlightened or something

- the nibs. the nibs come in different metals and different sizes, and they all can fit different pen bodies. some are engraved with elaborate little swirlies and such. these nibs can be cut in different ways to let you write in different ways, and there are services, like i mentioned above, that offer a menu of fountain pen tune-ups and nib alterations and stuff like that. there are certain ways nibs can be cut to write in very specific kinds of calligraphy or script, and you can like, pack your pen in a little box and order a $45 alteration to the nib to make it Epic on one side and Based on the other (to be fair...i do see the utility in this, because the people who have this done seem to know exactly what they want and what kind of work they want to do with it, and when you see that work its clear that these changes do have significant effects...but, as is warned explicitly on the webpages of some of these services, only if you know how to wield them correctly). these same services offer tune-ups to normal nibs for like $15-20 up to specific artisan work for golden nibs that are like, $150, and can 'reforge' a nib for a certain price (i have no idea what that means). im guessing the differences here are because the nib has a little split down the middle that can part and leave a wider line or a thinner one or whatnot, so different softer or harder metals will have different resistances and flexibility? i still dont know the deal with the golden nibs, though, and if you're like me youre just jabbing that shit onto the paper in whatever direction it comes up in like a 4 year old with a crayon and thats good enough

- the inks. there are hundreds of inks. the subreddit has a list of the community's favorite inks for each color. all of them are different. i am not an artist, i am a simple man, i use whatever ink comes with the ink in the pen, but people just...really like using different inks. they have full ink collections with a ton of different colors, but from what i understand it takes skill to change them out, because you need to clean the pen in a special way, then use a special syringe to fill a converter that lets it drip into the cartridge...maybe this is why people also have a lot of pens, so you dont have to do this a million times if you want another color (although it seems like changeable cartridges are a thing too, so maybe you just switch those out??). im not even going to call the different colors frivolous, though, because even to me, a cynical basic bitch fountain pen user who uses them without even considering the angle which you have to hold the pen to write the best with it (too much work), i can see the difference, and by god is it satisfying. as you can imagine, even the bottles of these lined up on a shelf look satisfying.

- the paper. i think this is more of a general art thing, and if youre an artist you probably know more about this than i do, but this was news to me. i knew vaugely that there were thicker papers and thinner papers, but there are some papers that are better than others where the ink looks nicer, it feels better to write on them, and they don't bleed through as much. one of the favorites of the FP subreddit is rhodia, which is pretty affordable ($4-9) and sells basic notebooks that are 80g/m2. 80g/m2 is apparently a good baseline paper weight for fountain pens. i found a place that sold rhodia and got one, because the ink was bleeding through the weak plebeian spiral notebook paper i was using and part of the appeal is making it look satisfying, and it is, indeed, good paper. idk much about paper but i appreciate this paper. it is nice, it is an aesthetic. maybe thats why people buy really expensive pens and gold nibs and stuff, like a good deal of it is an aesthetic, but what aesthetic, exactly....i dont know. i havent fully uncovered the deep fountain pen lore yet.

anyway, im sure im just forgetting things i want to say but there is my long rant about fountain pens

[smallestclowninthecircus]

Season 3 notes popping off

due to my desire to not completely fail all my classes this year i made myself slow down significantly while listening to this season, and the fact that the other person i'm listening along with had to catch up. We've managed to convert several other people to start listening and its pretty great.

ep 81: what does it even mean to be chosen by one of them? And if he was chosen by the eye. we know Gertrude wasnt? Because she cut the eyes out of the magazines?

ep 82: elias lmao. I understand why people like him so much bahshdhdk i thought he was gonna snitch on Jon but he didnt so he's fine. Ok but how do we think he knew all that stuff. Idk probably just institute connections. I love the fact that the recorder just wants to record stuff randomly bjahsjdhd. Elias feels a lot like Michael in the sense that he knows more than he should and talks in a way that implies he just wants to wait and see how things play out for his own benefit. I understand him knowing the things that happened but his description of her emotions implies something paranormal. Maybe he's connected to one of the entities. Which one I cannot guess.

ep 83: did a file get delivered randomly to the place he's staying at? Probably elias lmao. He thinks the mannequin is related to the stranger. Idk I would believe it.

ep 84: worms? I know he says earth worms but idk. Again? Is she making gordon golems out of trash? Martin popping off. You can tell the statements get to him more that they get to Jon. How come martin is so mad about it? I want to assume he just doesnt want her to get stuck there but idk. Jude Perry. The calliope organ. Jon heard a circus in one of the last episodes

ep 89: he's talking to perry? Like jude Perry? He says ... God? Is that what it is? Lmao. The Desolation. Jon is tired of ppl being vague and not telling him stuff lmao. Oh God Jon is so confused. Compel her? Is she assuming he has some kind of power? Does he have powers? Hmm. im agreeing with jon here please jesus christ why does everyone have to be so cryptic. Just say what you mean. "maybe you get an itchy eye" bahasjkdfklsjdf girl what. Agnes saved her? Oh this is the girl from the cafe story? So theres the Cult of the Lightless Flame? They worship whatever entity this is? The Desolation? Why do they all seem like they sorta worship her then? Is Gretchen gonna die oh god. fuckin michael. a different michael aaah. i see. dont do it shes gonna burn you. sir. please. sir dont you dare do- WHAT DID I SAY what did you think was gonna happen hhh.

ep 90: try to make it less obvious you're trying to get fired big T. Elias that doesnt sound like the most healthy thing to do. oh dear is this gonna be triggering for me. uuuuuh. uuuuuuuuuh. doesnt seem like it ok gonna keep listening. Jared. hmmmmm. Ok we've seen Keay and hotner or whatever his name was.

ep 91: Michael Crew. Oh is this the lightning scar guy. Mister jon sir did you just die. No? God everyone is so fuckin cryptic. Say normal things please. They all just like to go on about pain and agony and j e s u s c h r i s t we get it you got hurted by whatever thing. So theyre avatars? question mark? Jude Perry is an avatar of The Desolation? hhhh fractals. thats a spiral thing innit. Yup. messing with your perceptions. God they all talk about feeding their god and feeding that which feeds them and. hh what does that meann. Leave big J. please. uh oh. is it daisy? how come he has the web lighter still? the tape recorder just turns on sometimes you know how it is. So he can compel people? not that he knows it obviously but. a bit wack. powers go brr i guess? If the eye just wants knowledge i guess he feeds it by getting the statements? b/c i doubt it wants him to murder ppl or whatever.

ep 92: elias you all knowing fuck what do you know. (i guess all given what i just said) Lukas. Heard of them before. Mordecai Lukas. Loneliness. The lonely even. Jonah Magnus. Elias ur sounding like a bit of a dickhead rn. lmao jon's just like "i dont care" elias what is ur deal. Why does he want to tie her in. ohh i see. lmao theyre all just like "elias why" The Unknowing lol seems very much like something the eye wouldnt like. lol elias is gettin all philosophical. what does it really mean to be human. this still doesnt answer why gertrude wanted to destroy the archives tho.

ep 93: bahsjdfh he seems so dead inside rip. awww admiral. i love him already. ghh breacon and hope. purple mold. doesnt sound like anything we've seen so far. I think the funniest explanation for breacon and hope is that they dont actually serve the stranger they just kinda happen to be a random neutral party that cart around random spooky entity related stuff. ooooh. when we hear the slight static of the tape recorder it's cuz he's compelling ppl.

ep 94: the end! listen man they were all just grayed up for 4/13.

ep 95: the end also? death but also savagery/ animalistic shit. aww martin. lmao becerra. she's just been chillin in the corner.

ep 96: return to sender. haha minecraft go brr. prediction: breacon and hope? yup there we go. jon why is there an echo. are you in a stairwell? is he gonna eat it- yup. how did i call it. unsure abt what theyre talking about but ok. they kidnapped someone? Sarah Baldwin. ooooh that guy.

ok im just putting this here so i have notes for when nicholas gets to this part. It seems like (from jon's conversation with jude perry) that the desolation and the eye are kinda at odds with eachother? like i guess not directly but it seems like they dont really vibe? so how could be with both. Cuz if he has the heat powers and shit then we know he's an avatar of the desolation. but then why does he have so much eye imagery. also he got burned intentionally? like jude did when she went on her monologue about the feeling of burning? but then why did he wear the eye pendant. it stops him from being burned all the way which seems like he's not fully accepting the fire or whatever.

Nooooo I lost like a bunch of my notes rip. I keep forgetting to save.

Ep 104: tim gives a coherent statement without jon even being there. Ugh. Fucking robert smirk. Dont like him. Joey. Dont recognize the name. The show must go on. Clown. The spooky circus?

ep 105: total war... shogun 2? jon is just understanding languages again. "if i understood mandarin or cantonese" are you sure you dont big man?

ep 106: havent we heard this one already? mans in space? oh no this is just another episode in space. fairchild... uuuh. cant remember. oh! this is related to that! this is one of the ppl from the other side. sounds like a Vast thing. oh he's the one that the dude saw? but that guy didnt have a face... she's sorta like jon. wanting to dismiss the statements. lmao i love the workplace gossip. ace jon for the win! oh cmon elias dont be a dick. sunny meadows or whatever. thats the place we heard about.

ep 107: oh great is it jude perry again. Third Degree. bahahsdkfj she was arrested. sorry but imagining this old british lady getting arrested is funny. she was trying to resurrect him. using the skin book. he's not feeling well. jon take a nap. i wonder if this is what happens when he uses his powers too much. He gets into The Zone when he reads statements lol. didn't we have a burning train car in anothre statement? is it julia fairchild? bahahahs "kidnapped. Again." poor jon honestly. julia... about her dad. daughter of the murder shed guy? hunting like your dad liked to hunt or normal people hunting. oh hunting vampires!

ep 108: melanie has been suffering. poor martin peter lukas why do you have to be like this. can he not just use the front door? does he have to bother the ppl doing statements?

ep 109: how come he cut her off? kinda rude tbh. its either jon's influence or there was smth he didnt want her saying. is it gerard on the table? this sounds kinda like smth from one of the university episodes. is it the closed eye on the hand? yup. he's like one of the students! if the thing listening in is elias then... he can do that without the tape recorder yknow. plus who's to say it wont just turn itself on again

110: who wants to bet its a leitner?

111: Lukas related to The Lonely. I used to not like Gerard that much but i like him more now. but i thought there were 15? ohhh thats right isnt flesh newer? gerry for the win honestly. finally telling jon things.

112: lol "again" no one ever tells any of these ppl anything. tim and basira are just out of the loop constantly. music, like the war episodes. The hunt or the slaughter? probably the hunt. so Daisy is related to the hunt right? basira likes the reading, she's doing fine at the institute. daisy's getting worried...

113: it just turned on randomly. what is it lol. explossives! oh boy. why do they always assume he turned it on intentionally. melanie youre not making me like you that much. which entity is this about i cant tell. lol he was disappointed it was just the end. The title Breathing Room made me think it was gonna be about the buried but i guess not. So many of these entities deal with death but the end is one that deals in just death. it has no need for fancy deaths, just death is enough

114: more hilltop road statements? the tree. oh boy. ok the tree has 8 arms obviously theres the spider parallels. was she taken into an alternate universe? oh no. jon tries to phrase things so he's not asking questions. thats honestly good. "sometimes i was kidnapped" oh dear. they got gertrude. daisy ur so odd lmao. who wants to bet they dont know the tape recorder's running?

115: silaca? or whatever? antique man? meat grinder... related to the meat is meat episode? oh wow. they buy antiques from him. maybe dont antagonize this creature which can kill you?

116: lol theyre all just so done with elias. music? is it like the one band that if you hear them you die or wtvr. oh its chess? i am very much confused. mmm stranger go brr. gorilla skin? oh shit the dance. woah. this is so good. this is so gender. the words are wonderful. "you can just say tim" lmao trying to fool elias never feels like a good idea.

117: except elias lmaoo. oh shit. leitner getting some use for once idk. bruuh poor melanie she has been thru so much shit. martin you can just say youre worried about jon. lol he's so accurate in his jon impression. lol who was that. was that daisy? lmaoo. oop hi tim. oh god i hope tim doesnt die. i feel like i wouldve heard about that? but im not sure. destroying the source of knowledge is gonna be hard for jon. yay jon! you did a good thing. let him rest.

118: go off martin lmao. awww poor martin. oh god the tape gets that squealy quality and its awful.

119: woah. lots of things happening. uhh. POP OFF TIM!!

120: lmao elias giving a statement about jon's dreams lol. damn jon doesnt even get his own dreams? has to stay Watching even when he's asleep? f in the chat this man goes thru so much shit. oh boy its peter. lol martin my beloved. idk i dont trust peter.

[wigglytuph]

💗👀😘🌟🎁🍀☁️🐬🍪🎤📚😌🎬🍦🐼

READMORE CUZ THIS IS A FUCKING LOT

💗 if you could hug anyone, who would it be? @sinstability @beehuts @frostios @spyrno @gothkirby @zendaya sdkfgshdcuysgdjf AND A BUNCH MORE ALL OF YOU EVERYONE I WAS GONNA @ EVERYONE BUT REALIZED THATD TAKE FOREVER BUT @EVERYONE!!!!!

👀 what was the most recent vivid dream that you had? Its kindof a reoccurring dream it was like a month ago but. my family and i move into a new house and im going to go pick what room i wanna sleep in and theres a couple rooms and then i find? a staircase? with litterally like HUNDREDS of rooms and the dream is just me walking down this spiral staircase looking in room after room after room. and there’s like clothes hung up from the cieling and walls as im going down, and the further down i go the more clothes there are and the harder it is to keep going. finally the clothes all become REALLY girly and frilly and pink and theres this BRIGHT pink princess style room, and then after that the clothes end, and instead of there being more stairs and rooms and doors, the stairs stop, the clothes stop, and theres just a really dark eerie celar style door that makes me feel Scared and Uneasy, if i’m with a friend in the dream then they go into the room and i run back upstairs and then the dream ends, if i’m by myself then i just go back upstairs and dont look in the room. WACK.

😘 talk about your crush or partnersldjkcbsdcsjdf SWEET AND GAY AND NICE AND CARING AND CUTE AND FUNNY AND PERFECT AND 

🌟 what do you like about yourself? (must choose at least 3 things!)Im a caring bitch i sometimes care too much but i care!!! i feel empathy!! bitch!! i like my hair 90% of the time thats fun. annndddd uuuuhhhh. i like. that. im good at. overwatch? idk thats all i got skdjfhskdfsdf

🎁 - Already answered!

🍀 if you could be any fictional character’s best friend/lover, which fictional character would you be? BEST FRIENDS WITH BONES FROM ANIMAL CROSSING, HARDCORE FUCK BUDDIES WITH BOWSER

☁️ talk about your dream universe.Quiet, serene, pretty, sky filled with stars and galaxies, and multiple moons. People care about eachother, people go out of their ways for eachother.  idk not to be fake deep sdkfjshdfk  thats all i got

🐬-Already answered!

🍪 what did you want to be as a kid, and what do you want to be now?I wanted to be a Magical Artist, where my act would be drawing beautiful pictures and then using my magic to bring the pictures to life skdjfhskdfsdsk but uh. oops. i have no aspirations or motivations or anything like that. i aint got a CLUE what i wanna do. guess ill die.

🎤 what’s the last song you hummed or sang by yourself?KKB - Cinema

📚 share 3 books that you love and your favourite quote from them.skdjfhsdf i dont READ. sorry i got nothin

😌 what thoughts keep you going when you’re sad?I have plans!! im gonna move in w my best best best best best friend sara in a couple years and we’re gonna get a dog and live together and its gonna. be good. i have a plan for the future its gonna be ok and its gonna be great.

🎬 what are some of your favourite films?i really like Tangled, My Magoriums Wonder Emporium, BLACK PANTHER BITCH, im forgetting others but those are good !!

🍦 what is one treasured childhood memory?I’ve blocked out most of my childhood oops sowwy ACTUALLY no itd be being a stupid 12 year old and having the time of my life roleplaying my furry ocs with sara those were. really fun djkfhskfsdf

🐼 if you could meet anyone, who would it be and why?Casey cuz we’re goth lesbian prep lesbian power couple and i need to buy her a slushie, Cherry cuz i wanna feel their hair, James cuz 👀👀👀, mitzy cuz again i just wanna HUG EM and also pet their goats, and SAWA CUZ I WUBV HER SO MUCH

[polyesthher]

7/8/17: buy paramore’s after laughter

lol this is mostly me being emo tbh but support paramore ok

i’ve been itching to buy several things lately and idk if i really want them or it’s my depressive state that wants to feed the void with material possessions. i wanted to get a record player bc im definitely buying paramore’s after laughter on vinyl bc aesthetic and the actual record means a lot to me. since i listened to after laughter, i’ve become hooked on paramore tbh and all i want to do is lay around with hayley’s vocals singing into my ears and maybe cry a little. i only started getting into them during their self-titled phase so i’m not remotely attached to the “old” punk version of them. Fake happy is what really sold me on this album btw. It’s everything i want to say to people i’m no longer really close with. It does make me think about how i never want to see certain friend groups again because i’m just embarrassed about my whole existence and feel ok wit it. the line in fake happy that goes “please don’t ask me how I’ve been, don’t make me play pretend” is something that really gets to me. I have nothing in my life right now, other than family and one or two friends, that i genuinely care about and i feel like im at a dead end tbh. having to tell acquaintances/ old friends abt my sad ass life makes me want to scream and i feel like i hate myself even harder. and i always find myself telling half-truths, pretending like im not a failure. Hard times is another relevant jam that’s on repeat. It was the first song i heard off the album and made me check out the whole ep. even if it didn’t feel relevant to me, i’d still bop to it. the overall idea of the album to have cheery synth vibes with depressing ass lyrics gives me life. anyway, i’m not gonna ramble on about this anymore since no one’s gonna read this and i already know my own feelings abt this. 

but yeah, i also want the told u so t-shirt and cd bundle so im gonna wait for the vinyls to be released bc that pink marble record is calling out to me. and a tattoo, which i have a general vision of but im scared of the $$$. + i’m thinking abt moving to ny sometime next year too even tho im not going to FIT bc nj has nothing for me and i need to start living on my own, which means i need to save up. there’s also the last class that i need to take so that i can at least have an associate’s degree, which will def be a couple hundred. there’s also some skincare stuff i want like the eradikate spot solution and the boscia black luminizing mask (best in terms of peeling).

other meaningless tidbits in my mind:

ive been hating my art style even more lately but i still feel compelled to draw

bought a couple books to read even tho my commitment issues extends to reading as well

book related: i read motor crush vol 1 and i like it. babs is always great with the art and the writing is more exciting imo compared to the batgirl comics. snotgirl returned with issue 6 and the art is always pretty even if the plot is still a lil murky and unsatisfying. the plot of vol 1 was kinda messy and i disliked how it ended bc i dont even know if the arc was resolved or still continuing.i like bryan lee omalley’s writing so the writing isn’t something im not used to, i just feel like there’s so many mysteries building up and nothing that really resolves. there are some threads that were resolved in issue 6 (such as what happened in the bathroom with caroline) but another thread shows up in that resolution that has me going ??? Anyways i’ll still buy anything leslie hung does the art for so lmao my gripes aren’t dealbreakers

i went back to watch oitnb even with how pissed the ending of season 4 left me and i did not hate season 5...that much

kesha’s new song makes me so happy

watched baby driver today and i luv it. makes me want to watch more edgar wright and listen to the soundtrack 

i bought 5 bags of flamin hot ruffles bc im paranoid that it’ll be discontinued like the buffalo wing ruffles, which is the definition of overkill

i’ve been looking into gym memberships bc i want to start working out and lose weight seriously now. this is hilarious bc my diet is shit rn (see above). but im sick of not fitting into my old clothes and some new cute stuff i bought online (that i thought would fit). also i really want to lose the baby fat on my face bc seeing my potato face in the mirror really kills the confidence i have left

another thing that’s nagging me is the idea that i want to buy some things just bc those things would add into the image of a person i want to appear to be. it sounds weird but i feel like i want this costume of a person who’s cool for having hipster shit like a record player or colorful sunglasses. it doesn’t help that ppl on instagram make me insecure asf and want the things they have.

ive been trying to stop stalking certain ppl on instagram bc its v pathetic and tends to exacerbate my anxiety and spiral into a depressive hole. its not even like celebrities or anything, just ppl i used to know, which is extra creepy and sad.

this was mildly enjoyable and i think i might write more diary entries on here from now on. it’ll probably be under the polyesthher talks tag, if i remember bc im the worst with tags.

bye       

[idksheepthoughts]

Conversations Me: you actually soft blocked me....                                   any reason why?

Her: lol the fact that you noticed this late   but it happened on accident actually and i went and unblocked               but at that point i was like lmao like she'll notice so i never mentioned it              

Me: If you hate me just say so. No need to lie.... I don't check shit like that every day but it's not that many days since I know it was maybe a week or less ... Whatever. I'm so splitting atm. So I'll shut up before I say something else             

Her: hate? when the fck did i mention that?         yes, better shut up before you stick your foot in your mouth as usual                 since i've done nothing hostile to you as if me feeling like i matter to no one and have the smallest amt of friends possible is somehow how an Attack on You.

Me: you blocked me... on "accident" how does that even happen.... i've told you tons of times that the amount of friends depends solely on yourself. and your willingness to talk to people and work past the anxiety and fear that talking to people causes. . . otherwise I wouldn't even have friends. because if i isolated and neveer talked to anyone ever first that nobody would talk to me in the first place. . . ugh whatever. i've said too much im just going to sober up and talk later i guess.... I can't always be here I try to be but like we said previously, i didn't know what to do between give you loads of attention and give you nothing at all...

Her: tumblr mobile? lol. if you can't believe me when i say that then i don't really want to talk to you since everytime i feel bad or have like, negative feelings regarding my own situations you always take it so personally (1) and then i have to dread these fcking conversations so when we've been talking normally on twitter                 it all goes to fcking shit because you can't accept that i get to feel bad and feel upset about stuff regardless of whether or not im taking actions to help myself in my own way at my own pace...doesn't mean you get to think that i hate you so i blocked you      because what the fuck how does it work when we've been chatting like everyday on twitter?                   and it was (what i thought) fine? good? (2) if it really was the case i wouldve blocked you here or just flat out deleted since then i'd only have one fucking follower :) so just. let me have emotions. and don't assume things. this is so funny because i remember you getting mad at me months ago for the same exact thing   and here we are, situations reversed  

Me: BECAUSE i have a huge fear of abandonment.... it was fine but this stuff even if its an accident just idk .... i guess you never saw how much abandonment even if its an accident sends me into depressive spirals??? have i ever left you no. i've been distant yes but i've never full on unfollowed or left... idk you block me a lot and delete and it hurts every time.                                    

Her: "even if" can you believe me????? first off???? (3) and no you havent god if it was such a problem just follow me and then ask me about it because why would i lie lol (4) i don't like friendships built on lies i'll never talk to someone like that genuinely   i have insecurities too. i have enough

Me: ok it was an accident.

Her: i didn't even think it was a problem first off considering all those people you put on your thanksgiving post. and then you never noticed/messaged me about so i was like k, so that's that! and just talked w/ you normally here  (5)           so let's just accept the fact that we've got our problems and there's better ways to handle this than assuming motives

Me: so you did change url because of that post??? like my paranoid ass thought???? i was right on that???? cause i noticed that and was like... maybe its not related but was it????? cause I just want to know... im not mad at that at all just... i want to not assume things atm.    and i notice stuff slowly because I try not to fall into obsessive traits. its not healthy to check who im following or who is greyed out or blocked every single day. . . I try to just let things be but when I do notice stuff i can't help but explode. I tried to be calm by just asking why.... but i clearly failed at that. its whatever. I followed back. if it happens again just like.. tell me please??? this stuff makes me so close to slitting my wrist                                    

Her: no, i changed my url because i was sitting on that url for a while and i wanted to use it              

Me: okay, it was just a paranoid thought.                             

Her: well, i really, really, really, don't like when you start assuming things even after i tell you or not believing me. we've been friends for how long? does it mean nothing? you'd think i'd lie at this point? x____x       (6) .those thoughts make me want to die      

Me: i'm sorry for thinking irrationally, but with how many people just up and leave, all the time even with being friends for long periods its hard not to jump to conclusions. I am in the wrong for falling into my own paranoid thoughts. You explained things and I don't believe that you are lying so its fine.                        

Her: oh, now you believe me                     after i have to hold your hand when i'm upset (7) whatever i'm probably not going to follow back because i hate that i have no friends and my mutuals ignore all my posts when i try to put myself out there     it's gotten to a point where i can't post stuff on tumblr anymore because i know no one gives a shit             like even as happy as i am about my commission i know if i post that on my tumblr i'll make the artist seem bad when no one likes my post  idc. i'm bitter and alone and probably always will be because i don't have any friends aside from you o/                           like, be grateful you even have that many people to be grateful for   (8)      i'd kill for it i feel like dying when i think about this and i think about it a lot     but ofc i don't moan about it anywhere except on this stupid fucking twitter account                   where you seem ot think i live a dandy life   (9)                                    it fcking sucks bc im trying my best!                                           anyways im done lol           oh and then you post shit like *Edit* (Screenshot of some tags where I said I always listen to people but nobody likes listening to me so I talk to my cats a lot which is true because I’m a burden and i hate bothering people with my problems so much)                    that when you damn well no i have no one else to listen to except you online      and we've been civil lately                         but ok! i guess i don't care!  because im living it up!       #sarcasm    (10)

Me: you havent followed me in probably over 10 or so months, whenever i remade, cause i don't think you followed me when i delteed either,  i didn't expect a follow back at all. i just expect us to be not mutuals but still friends? THEN TALK TO PEOPLE TALK TO PEOPLE AND TALK TO PEOOPLE thats all i did was work past my fears and talk to people and some stuck around some didn't. i dont know what else to say. some of those people haven't actually spoken to me in months either but im still grateful for them. I have nothing else to really advise on that other than you gotta put the talking in first. thats all i've done and its somehow managed to not fuck it up for this long??? i dont think i've had any friend longer than whenever we started being friends... so around 2 years...    

Her: no offense but just talking to people doesn't do shit :) but seriously, thanks :)       (Phone lagged) So I repeated my previous message by accident)                           

Her: yeah probably the only reason you havent fucked it up is because i dont want to be fucking alone and i dont give up easily so ive stayed with this even fi you make me feel like fucking shit when this happens   & since you said nothing to everything else i just said i guess im right :)             god im over this i dont want to fight and i dont want to talk to you becaus eim always explaining my problems and you just like. tell me the same shit each time as if it'll magically do stuff   liek the fact that im trying doesnt mean anything                 i dont wanna talk to you if its always going to be like this ill take the goddamn loss and be lonely while youve got your fucking harem of friends idc if its an exaggeration the point is everyone i considered a friend has just stopped talking to me completely and the only thing i get here is you telling me what to do like i need cold hard instructions for making a friend  

ME: Harem??? You know nothing about anything. Ya know what..... forget it. If it's better I don't say anything because nothing I says helps and  I'm a broken record. You want to assume because I tagged a lot of people doesn't mean I wasn't just fishing for validation. Me trying to help is just being a dumb mistake. I can't help anyone and why I try is also confusing because I am pointless. I'm keeping you in my note regardless you have been here and listened and that hadn't changed.  But if this is just going to explode it's going to explode. All I do is ruin everything and I don't even care anymore I'm going to buy a gun soon anyways. So what's the point in trying to make something work. I've always been a shit friend and it's just not worth it to you at this point. So okay.                   

Her: HERE let me qutoe for you something    "idc if its an exaggeration"                                      ^^^^^^^             unlike you im aware when im being irrational lmao    (11)     apparnetly you get to be and i dont                             thats how it always is            did you ever think about it feels for me   when my only friend does shit like this constantly    like lmao                                ofc not bc why would you consider anything from my point of view  this conversation is over until you want to stop fucking assuming i dont care       LOL     and acting as if me letting you go is the best thing that could happen to me       like we couldnt j ust talk on twitter and let it fucking be but you have todrag it all in at least i get to get stuff off my chest thats the only fucking good that comes out of this  like you dont get that you telling me the same thing hurts because it doesnt fucking work and i dont have any fucking friends  i have college to deal with and studies and that pressure but you dont know the half of it?    but you just want to assume, assume, assume   (12) i cried already out of anger    

Me: I didn't have friends in college either                                 

Her: big offense but i dont want to continue this conversation

ME: Okay

Her: unles syoure willing to admit to your bullshit       because ima lways doing that and im always getting the end of your shit      

Me: I am made of nothing but bullshit I'm nothing but a huge fucking shit storm and I always will be. You should have left a long time ago because I don't know how to not be toxic   It's not That I won't be upset by you leaving far from it but you deserved better people and maybe if you had left and kept trying as you have been things will turn around. Because literally everyone that has ever done that with me ended up fine and in a good spot. I hold people back. And that's all I can think of. I ruin other people's lives by being in it. And I've certainly made your life worse. And I'm just better off dead because I am a selfish fucking loser.     I'll shut up now.

[pj-fanfics]

Murray Backstory

so murray and bianca lived in same neighborhood cute fat kids in their class only fat kids sometimes they'd get teased early on like they gunna get married and they'd laugh it off like yeah w/e bianca has a pretty backyard with her own tiny garden she invites him over to help her out lifting bags of dirt cuz she lives with her aunty and she's brittle/can’t lift much over the years, murray starts to grow a crush on her bianca is always super sweet and never malicious, she is very caring person she even had a choice to live with her rich uncle or frail aunt and picked her cuz she thought she needed the most help so one day, some bullies sneak into bianca's backyard and smash up bianca's garden and that was just tip of iceberg bianca's aunt has a nasty fall and breaks her leg they end up having to move with her uncle cuz they can't provide for her in their tiny town but she never told murray cuz she didn't want him to worry about it he knows about the garden, not the moving part so he saves up all his money and in one night, replant a good chunk of what she had planted before it just so happened to be on the night before bianca left but then murray goes to school next week wanting to hear about her new garden but her friends all oh i guess she didn’t tell u but she moved away doesn’t believe them runs to her house to find it for the most part empty, she never had a whole lot in the house, all that mattered was that garden there's a note on the gate to the garden left for him thanking him and asking him to forgive her for not saying anything about the move he ends up keeping this note throughout his life but that kicks starts his spiral of depression he gets mad first and bitter for not saying anything to him questioning if they were ever really friends but he's just a teen, he's a very sensitive boy and bianca knew that no matter how much he tried to hide it by acting quiet and cool mad at himself for never telling her how he felt though it seemed obvious to everyone else, including Bianca as he grows up, he passes by her house every day to school has to start taking the longer route to avoid it checks on the garden he planted it's withering, close to dying he goes on to school by the time he's in hs, he's gone total cool quiet commando wrestle team captain but still really smart ends up being a part of poetry club as well which gets the babes babes start asking him out he sees quite a few of them after school and they tell their friends somewhere during that time, he bumps into tippo and serenity they like hey we heard you're a decent writer, we need a songwriter for our band, u interested Murray like yeah maybe Serenity’s shitty hs band only consists of her, Tippo and Murray Murray as bass player Im sure Anit is invited to be in the band as well but they're maybe unsure of their potential Anit goes to college later on, Murray takes over drums for the songs that need it most the songs don't require them as much Murray also in charge of odd instruments kazoo, triangle, tamborine, digiridoo, rainstick Murray finishes hs but doesn't go off to college gets lots of girls for his looks and mute demeanor plenty of them prolly groupies of shitty hs band that's the name of the band "shitty high school band" has a gang motif they usually only play one gig a month 2 if they really wanna but for Murray it's a decent distraction then one of their so-called fans, a Roselia, says she's been a fan since their beginning but Murray never takes the compliments to heart he doesn’t recognize her but they fuck and later she finds him like we gotta talk, I am pregnant, you’re the dad and I wanna keep it Murray world comes crashing in first of all how did you get this number I’m half way across the countryside for this tour *consisting of 8 cities, lame ass tour but BEFORE ROSELIA CALLS HIM he's performing at a stadium in the desert think south west, arizona, new mexico fans come up to him and he does the schtick of pleasing the crowds but then he catches a glimpse of someone familiar then bolts to them it's grown up Bianca has to stand up on her tippy toes to hug around his neck she still fat but she swoons like look at u~ you got sick muscles now you could be one of the security guards murray departs from rest of gang to go off with her looking at the clear vast desert skies at night catching up all night murray debating bringing up her note he gets some closure by telling her he forgives her for leaving without a word but is still hesitant to bring up his past feelings to her now that he's been around the countryside and banging a lot of girls along the way, he feels very dirty being in front of her again and she's literally unchanged then he decides he gunna do it he gunna come clean but then she sneezes her familiar cute baby kitten sneeze when she wipes her nose, he sees a ring like ....... that's new :I oh yeah, I met him while I was going to school he didn't go to school with me he was the son of my uncle's gardener after I would come home, he'd be there helping his dad and I brought them drinks and sometimes I'd help them too uvu my uncle would scorn me, telling me it's their job to get messy but i didn't mind uou murray peeks over growing up, bianca was very poor her only pairs of shoes were a pair of old boots that seemed to last forever by the time she was in middle school, she seemed to already fit into them they were always dirty from being outside sure enough, she's wearing boots, different pairs, but same brand/style and they are worn and muddy even shows her a picture of baby Kassandra and murray like I sure would like to meet her someday Bianca hands her a card with her address like stop by any time! we'd love to have you! and your band could come too if they have the time :> the next morning, Murray gets the call being around bianca that one night has sparked something in murray he's not sure what to call it but maybe from seeing the baby picture, he maybe felt a bit of remorse again for himself if things were different maybe that could have been our baby remorse for the child that IS his like I didn't love this woman, now I have a responsibility to raise it cuz I know going in, this lady is gunna be trouble and everyone else knows it too keeps Serenity on speed dial when he has to get Leila out of there quick KALA ALSO HAPPENS TO BE A SWEET TENDER LADY WHO ALSO HAPPENS TO BE ROUND AND CURLY HAIRED HE'S GOT A TYPE Murray winds up having to put his visit with Bianca someday on hold

kazukoyo Gotta support his babby

ProfessorBees as this crazy lady he's currently married to is abusive and threatens him and their child every other day

Kazukoyo She got a screw or two loose

ProfessorBees working mom as a stripper Murray stay at home dad and part time repair guy or construction mom works day shift daddy has to work at night then the wife finds Murray's note and address card from Bianca burns them then takes Leila like I knew you never loved me after all I've given you she clearly drunk Murray has his phone on 911 and on speaker as soon as she out the door, leila in the car crying dont u worry sweetheart, i'll make sure he doesnt hurt us again >:0 but baby leila reaches out to daddy trying to escape mom idk how his phone would be on speaker if this is early 90's late 80's? maybe just leaves phone handle down and towards angry wife doesnt know what to do she just slammed the door he immediately tells the cops his address and reporting of kidnapping then furious dials serenity and tippo to call them whats up too then mad dash to his own car and chase after wife but then crosses a dinky bridge, and sees almost if it was in slow motion, her car hit the side of the bridge and it flips over and it bursts into flames murray reaching inside desperately, manages to find baby Leila's car seat easily slips her out as she was only half buckled in, thankfully is still alive and no open wounds is about to go back for his wife, but the car's weight and flames wear strain the car cabin's support and it crushes down Murray holding baby Leila refusing to let her go waiting on the other side of the bridge for police/firemen/paramedics to check on this small baby his ex-wife did not survive the crash but Leila only had a few bruises Murray decides he's not going back to that horrid apartment full of broken memories buys a house from his old neighborhood one with dusty old items and a little dusty garden in the backyard he starts with expanding Bianca's garden from a small gated corner to the majority of the backyard, completely covering it with dirt and plants then starts to work on remodeling the house it's small but it's just him and Leila so it doesn’t have to be huge breaks down a few walls to make it more open finds a few of Bianca's old belongings puts them in a shoebox he no longer has her address but he's got it memorized by now he'll deliver them personally when he's got stuff sorted out it's nothing of huge importance her dishes, bowls, lunchbox, maybe her kid needs something of her mother’s? Leila sees the box from time to time but doesn't know a Bianca so in her early years, makes her up like she's an imaginary friend it makes Murray's heart bleed how much little leila acted like he did when he was a kid trying to act cool/quiet but of course his face always :I :'I and continues to do so for the most part ends up going to a community garden to get tips from fellow gardeners and meets a lady who's there for a weekly course she recently had a miscarriage and is taking this class as a therapy but so far, only proceeds to depress her a bit as she knows nothing about plants and her crop is wilting Murray helps her out a lot and they seem to really hit it off younger staff at garden center ship them hardcore and Kala even invites them to wedding lmao Murray just wants close family and friends Kala brings her family plus the ones who shipped them from the start Leila super >:I for a new mommy *cling to her she mine now, dad off with you we have things to discuss like who's gunna get me more cake? >:I *grabs at wedding cake gimme murray and kala put her down lEila like nO wrONG direction Leila like what 4-5? old enough to know she getting her very own mom look ferro I got one >:I *shows off tall round mom Murray invites Bianca and family too but only Bianca shows up and gives Leila a toy too Leila like thanks stranger Bianca getting her shoebox of old treasures back and Murray telling stories of young Leila pretending to have a friend based off of u Bianca finding this all wonderful that he came back to her garden and just made it bigger and also renovated that drafty house into something much more fit for a family tl;dr bittersweet murray backstory I made up in the span of 2 hours?