#idk seeing everyone's genuine responses and the huge variety of them like

[humming-fly]

still a student, but my summer job is a museum tour guide/interpreter which is pretty cool and not quite any of the categories there. like it is hospitality but it is specifically "tell people about history and exhibits"

'what's your job' poll

ooh fun! that sounds like such a dope summer job ngl - one of my first ones was working at a science discovery kid camp and it was always fun to teach random new stuff to the campers

[firelord-frowny]

SEE ALSO(!!!):

I am SURE people who are smarter than me and who have actually ~studied~ the matter have already said a lot about this and probably used a lot of fancy words and awkwardly structures sentences, 

but ANOTHER thing I and probably many others often confuse with depression is actually just Feeling Like Shit Because You’re In A Shitty Environment. 

Like. If you feel sad and lonely because people around you are mean, that’s not depression! That’s just being stuck with mean people! And ideally, I don’t think the solution to that is medication or therapy or ~growing a thicker skin.~ The solution is to change your environment! If your friends suck, ditch them and get new friends! If the people you live with are mean, make a plan to move someplace else as soon as possible, and then put the plan into action! If you hate your job, start looking for a new one! 

Which, also, what I fuckin HAAAATE is that considering what a monumental shitshow american life (and life in most other places, probably) has been over the last several years, Feeling Like Shit is kind of ubiquitous right now. Like. It’s not even normal to feel happy and peaceful when cops are lynching black people every other day and hundreds of thousands of people are dying from a plague whose severity could have been SUBSTANTIALLY mitigated if only the powers that be were even remotely competent or had the slightest bit of compassion, and we’re literally watching global warming destroy life on earth in real-time, and Actual Nazis and other varieties of racists and bigots actually feel bold enough to come to the fucking nations capital (which is populated primarily by black people) to ~protest~, and random beloved celebrities keep dying, and there’s an actual evil villain in charge of nuclear arms, and we can’t do all the social activities we did pre-plague, and careers are in limbo and students at all levels of study are being fucked over, and families have to stay away from each other for everyone’s health...

And as much as I’m sure we would all like to be able to just carry on through this bullshit while still being able to feel happy and hopeful for the future... I honestly feel like to be Okay right now would be a really fucking dangerous thing, because people rarely bother with improving something if they feel Okay about the way it currently is. 

Idk, I guess it just rubs me the wrong way when rational responses to hugely distressing circumstances are talked about like they’re an actual sickness. 

Like. I feel like a genuine mental illness would remain present even if all the other negative stimuli from The World were to disappear. I wouldn’t consider myself to “have depression” if the cause of my pain is that I live with mean people who bully me. 

Conversely, if I’m living alone or with people who are kind and who I feel loved and supported by, and I have a decent job that’s not overwhelming, and I’m financially secure, and I have time for my hobbies, and I live in a region that I love, but I’m STILL feeling hopeless, that is what I would intepret as depression in myself. All my physical circumstances are stable and healthy, but I still feel like shit, as opposed to feeling like shit BECAUSE my physical circumstances are unstable and toxic. 

i definitely did not mean to rant this much but alas, i have ranted.

kbye!

[allbeendonebefore]

I was kind of under the impression that this is just a widespread thing in Alberta, especially because of the Angus Reid fractured federation survey (I cant include the link here, but you can Google it, its from January 24th 2019). When got back into Hetalia, I imagined the dynamics kinda changed to this, which would be pretty bad tbh. I hope its not that aggressive in Alberta, I will never be able to go check tho, too expensive :( I loved the bad french btw

i see you guys sending these asks super late at night and i wonder whether any of you sleep - idk where you’re writing from and i may be on the west coast but are you guys ok wherever you are? I just woke up but I have my tea and if I’m not caffeinated now I surely will be as I answer this.

I’m sure I’ve seen the survey you’re speaking of before and before I address it in any specific detail I just want to back up and re frame Why I’m Being Like This in regards to recent events and my orientation towards answering these questions in terms of Hetalia the way I do, because I think it’s the heart of how I answer.

the tldr of it is:

1. I have an opportunity to make interpretations of reality in unexpected and challenging ways, therefore widespread opinions don’t govern anything but my stupid gag comics in the simple sense that if everyone was represented by widespread opinion alone all the time, nothing would change and

2. if i can answer dozens of asks about ralph and oliver hanging out there’s absolutely no reason I can’t answer asks about ralph and jean hanging out, lol.

3. If you’d like a shorter, more concise “vision statement”, I have one on @battle-of-alberta here. (although now I notice the links don’t work on mobile so you’ll have to be on desktop for that one)

I’m assuming this will be long so cut time

(and yes, alas, the bad french is my legacy and I’m afraid it has not improved much although i swear i was an A student when i was actually taking it) (and no please don’t visit now, purely for pandemic reasons, it would be really expensive And you’d have a bad time) (and talking to me is free lmao) (I do not mean to say that you need to have feet on the ground to understand a place at all, i mean, at the moment I don’t lol)

headings because I say a lot

what even is hetalia

At the most basic level, Hetalia is a tool that can be used in a variety of ways. It can be for memorization, current politics at a glance or historical relationships in different settings. I use it for all of these things, of course, I certainly use it a lot in comics that take place in the much more distant past in @athensandspartaadventures. When I was writing that, I was in undergrad and AaSA was a tool to help me pass my exams, I didn’t think of how it might be read or interpreted by people who have lived in or experienced those places these days, or what kind of political and cultural tensions it might reveal. (Not to say that it has gotten me into sticky situations, exactly, but I am more aware of where things like that would arise now).

These days I look back on a lot of my experiences - both in IAMP/Hetalia and just as a person, and I think that if Hetalia is a tool it should be used with some awareness of intention and responsibility. Things in the fandom have changed as it became more mainstream and more well known and I think there’s a definite worry about screwing up or not representing Everything or not pleasing Everybody or not doing it Right. I have a simple, insufferably academic principle.

(That said, yes, you can still do it very wrong if you write a methodology.)

Still, it’s a comfort to me that I’m just doing the things the way I say I’m going to do them, and that is the underpinning of Inspired But Not Constrained By Hetalia. I don’t do things Himaruya’s way, I can’t do things the way IAMP would do them if it were running today because it’s not and things have changed, all I can do is do them how I would do them.

I have hurt people in the past because they sometimes couldn’t tell whether I was writing From an Albertan Perspective or not, and I’ve evoked some preeetty spicy comments over the last decade, and I realized that tone and perspective are something that really shapes how people understand and interact with my work and I’m trying to use that understanding in a conscientious way)

what even is alberta

So when you’re me and you’ve grown up in a province that is the Angriest in the country and the most Misunderstood in the country and the most Entitled in the country and nobody outside of maybe Saskatchewan has a good thing to say about you half the time and maybe you’re tired of that... you get kind of depressed thinking about how every year some kiddo comes on the internet ready to be excited about making or celebrating characters that represent themselves and No Matter Where They Go running into everyone else’s negative impressions first and foremost.

We joke about how everyone hates Toronto, though I’ve always understood it in a teasing way because I’ve never ACTUALLY met someone (outside of our current legislative assembly) who REALLY hates Toronto, but it does feel like I’ve encountered (directly or indirectly) people who do Genuinely hate Alberta and hoo boy is That a strange feeling. I mean, there’s an understanding that BC also ‘hates’ Alberta but half the people in BC are originally from Alberta so it’s a, uh, different feeling.

The story of Alberta from everywhere else is always the story of that Angus Reid article and the memes and comments and listicles that spin out around mainstream media. Alberta is giving too much. Alberta is getting too little. Alberta is too stupid to understand that equalization payments are a good thing actually, and Alberta is too dumb to understand you don’t really need EI if you make enough money in six months to own a house and multiple vehicles Just Because you own a house and multiple vehicles. Alberta is destroying the environment for everybody. Alberta has a huge concentration of white supremacists. Alberta is the Texas of Canada* and has the conservative streak and bible belt to match. Alberta should get annexed by the US. Oh, but Banff! We like Banff, though.

And like I said, politicians use these widespread feelings to stir up the sentiments of people who can’t afford to travel, people who are naturally suspicious of mainstream news, people who have barely even left their hometowns let alone the province and have no other means of validating what they hear, but people who’s emotions are genuinely tied to real feelings of alienation that really exist and HAVE existed for generations. And when the so-called “laurentian elites” in ontario and quebec make fun of them for being uneducated red necks, well, you hit a wasps nest and expected what, exactly?

what even am i doing

And like I’m faced with this question every day I decide to pick up my stylus and badger you all with unsolicited comics: do I want this to continue? Do I want to wear the mask that fits? Do I want to stand aside and say #notallalbertans #notlikeotheralbertans and stand over here on the island** patting myself on the back for not? being? there? Do I say yes, you’re right, and stand aside and watch loud mouth white supremacists co-opt wexiters and let them lead the perception of the province I grew up in just because that is what’s currently happening? Do I acknowledge the widespread sentiment and then pick apart every other province to say Well Actually You’re Equally Problematic Hypocrites, So There?

Obviously I’ve been saying no for a while. I’m perfectly happy to acknowledge the reality and when I draw stupid gag comics like this or this you can tell (hopefully) from my style that it’s tongue and cheek. When I draw less stupid not-gag comics like this or this I am trying to explore the Real Sentiments in a way that doesn’t completely polarize the issue and spin it out of control. I’m more of the opinion that even though Current Sentiments do get in the way that as personifications they 1. have some perspective and as people they 2. have some interest in not throwing out a friendship that was a struggle to build up every time the polls change or some new radical party seizes power. I do a lot of research and I want that to be reflected in my understanding of each characters deep seated beliefs and motivations, but I don’t want to let either the history or the current realities dictate the future if I am going to try to do that myself. 

why even am i doing it for

So like really the heart of the matter is: I am writing what I write for my thirteen year old self. She was the me who moved back to Canada from the United States, who’s first introduction to living there was a hellish surge of nationalism after September 11th. Who’s defense against that was to hide behind a shield of Canada is Better, Actually and who returned to Alberta during the boom years to realize that, oh wait, the rest of the country thinks we’re assholes just like they think the United States is. Who spent her teenage years learning that, boom or bust, the widespread sentiment in and out of the province is just as narrow, shortsighted, self interested, and stubborn as her own fiction of What Canada Was Supposed to be Like. Who learned that propping up that image at the expense of her friendships was not worth it, that propping up that image at the expense of people who are suffering and dying under that image is not worth it. Who found herself rehashing the same sort of gut reaction defensiveness online because the Guilt and Apologizing on behalf of her province compared to others felt Really Heavy for a kid who didn’t have any clue what to do about it and was just there to have fun and learn some stuff.

So I’m writing for anyone else who finds themselves exhausted and saddened by coming online and seeing that the only way that people can imagine Alberta is as an antagonist. I’d like to challenge everyone to start to imagine it better. It’s my little “escape” from reality, and for me it’s much easier to talk to people here where the stakes aren’t as high and the grievances a little less personal.

I’m also writing (in a more secondary way) for everyone who’s ever looked at alberta from afar and wondered What is going On inside your Head and is it always This

(no comment at this time)

as always, I’m here to explain At The Very Least what goes on in My head because at the end of the day, that’s all I can do. And though there are some things that make me angry and emotional, I’m happy to explain why. Happy to answer asks or chat on discord or whatever, any time I have the time. :)

footnotes

*This is just a footnote to say something I didn’t want to interrupt the flow of my comments, but this is an annoyance that me and my Texas Tomodachi share lol

**You’ll notice angry Albertans online have a favourite tactic, and that’s pointing out hypocrisy. They can justify A N y T h I n G by calling another province a hypocrite “so there” (i.e. BC can’t claim to be environmentally conscious because of Victoria’s sewage problem or Site C) - and while I am interested in shattering the image of Alberta vs. the Perfect Rest of Canada a little bit, I feel like it’s a very lazy argument that is used to deflect and not to help. I think it is more useful to unpack the sentiment of Why Alberta Still Feels Taken Advantage of rather than mudslinging, and when the mud starts flying no one seems interested in addressing problems anymore.

[toycarousel]

some advice? Please dont laugh when I say this. I'm transgender, ftm, but I dont like being called transgender, I just want to be called male. But at the same time,I'm african american, and dont want to be an african american male. The very thought scares me to no end and makes me want to not bother with transitioning. My therapist says that my dysmorphia and dysphoria are too conflicting to do anything with, but I dont want to stay as I am. So I'm at an stalemate. Idk what to do next. Advice?

(Disclaimer: I’m not a therapist or any sort of medical professional, so I can only offer my opinions + advice, but if anything feels off to you at all, then totally feel free to ignore it!)

Of course I’m not gonna laugh, Anon, and I don’t get why anyone would -- you’re in a very, very difficult, painful position, and a LOT of therapists aren’t great at figuring out the tentative balance of understanding who a patient is, what a patient needs, what a patient wants, and which steps they need to take with said patient in order to not harm that person... it can definitely take time.  If they’re a good fit for you, they’ll become better at understanding that balance (and also doing their proper research) as they get to know you more, and will offer more helpful options if they’re open-minded about trying a variety of angles instead of just sticking to their little therapy scripts, esp when those scripts don’t always apply neatly to every individual.

I’m not trans (and I’m white), so I could be totally off on a bunch of what I’m about to say (plus everyone’s experiences are different regardless), but I have met a few different people who don’t want to refer to themselves -- or be referred to as -- transgender.  Though their birth assignment doesn’t align with who they are, which fits the definition of “trans”, the term itself just... doesn’t work for them, specifically, and I think I can understand that.  I was born intersex (a person with mixed physical sex characteristics -- many that I didn’t even find out about until much later in life), but I wouldn’t consider that to be a huge part of me, or a defining way to describe my own relationship with gender.  For example, I wouldn’t want to be referred to as “that intersex person”, by other people, unless it was genuinely medically relevant in that moment.

So what I’m personally interpreting from what you’ve written here is that you don’t want the bodily aspect of things to be this constant focus of what your experience in life is, regarding gender.  Since cisgender (and also many intersex men, tbh) get to be referred to as just men, then you should be able to have that same thing, if it feels right for you, imo.  You being what other people would define as “trans” doesn’t make you less of a man regardless, so, ultimately, it’s fair to just want to be referred to as a man, same as all other men.

Wrt to you not wanting to be an African American male due to the terror you feel associated with that specific combo of identities -- well, that sounds incredibly tough for you to be going through, and to try to reconcile! And it’s something I can’t personally imagine (I wish I could help more, so I’ll just offer what I can, but again, if anything sounds off to you, feel free to disregard what I’m saying!) 

I can think of a lot of reasons off the top of my head as to why a person would be terrified to be a black man, but the ones that come to mind for me are things like: having to face an increased risk of police brutality, racism, other stereotypes, other ppl’s expectations as to who you should be -- all those types of wide-reaching social reasons.  But I also don’t know if those reasons are your specific reasons for being terrified of being an African American male, you know? Like on a personal level.  I can take a guess at more specific, internal reasons you might have, but that would be me kinda doing armchair therapy, so I won’t deep-dive there -- however, it’s always a good idea, and appropriate, for you to do some of that intense self-examination, you know? And I’m sure you and your therapist have done a lot of that already, but if you haven’t yet written down your exact reasons for this particular terror, maybe try that out! It’s one of the skills we learn in DBT (and other forms of therapy that I’ve been through).

I’d write out separate pages for each specific thought.  For example, one page listing the reasons/thoughts/emotions as to why you don’t feel comfortable with being labelled as trans (the ways in which it doesn’t apply to you, how you feel when someone does apply it, etc).  And another sheet listing the reasons/thoughts/emotions as to why being an African American man would terrify you, VS just being African American in general.  Again, your reasons for not wanting to be referred to a certain way are totally valid, Anon! These sorts of sheets/journaling exercises are just to help you feel like you have a more solid grasp on where your own emotions are coming from, and to give you something physical to hold onto when you want to explain it in more detail to yourself and your therapist! 

A really, really, really helpful sort of worksheet/mindfulness activity to help us figure out what we’re feeling is this one I also learned in DBT (a form of therapy that is just ridiculously helpful for everyone, imo), and may help with writing out the things I mentioned above.  These are called behaviour chain analysis worksheets, and are usually used to prevent a behaviour that you want to stop engaging in, but what they also ultimately do is help ppl unravel thoughts, emotions -- your primary emotion is especially important to know, because that’s something you can then target with your therapist.  Here’s some info on how to do one: https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-do-a-chain-analysis-for-problem-behaviors-2797587

And a basic worksheet version (it can rly help to have on-hand, so it can be written down and you can check it out whenever you need to).  https://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/behavior_chain_analysis.html

Like, for example, say you do one of these sheets to figure out the primary emotion behind bodily dysmorphia.  Say the behaviour was that you snapped at a friend for making a comment about your body, and you want to know why exactly you snapped at them (what about their comment hurt enough to elicit the reaction), and prevent it in the future.  The behaviour chain analysis is a space where you can write down what the behaviour was.  In this example it’d be; “Behaviour: Snapped At Friend”, and then you write down the initial feelings you had associated with it, and the thoughts that went with those feelings.  

Eventually, for example, say that you thought the reason you snapped at them was anger (which is by definition, a secondary emotion -- secondary emotions aren’t less important than primary emotions, but they’re the emotions that happen after primary emotions, sometimes mere seconds after), but when you look at the thoughts you wrote down that you experienced in the moment you snapped at the friend, and dig a little deeper, say it turned out that the primary emotion (the one that happened before the thoughts, and before the secondary emotions) wasn’t anger, but actually shame.

(I’m not saying yours will be shame btw, I just like using shame as an example, because a lot of my own thoughts and feelings and behaviours and inner conflicts are rooted in shame).

So then that gives you something solid to show yourself, but also to bring to your therapist.  Instead of the therapist focusing on only the thoughts and feelings that they’re visibly seeing in you in a session, they now know that you’re struggling with underlying shame, or sorrow, or grief, or disgust, or fear, or whatever the primary emotions end up being for you.  Then the therapist can more easily help you through tackling the dysmorphia, and any unwanted behaviours and thoughts + emotions associated with it.  And being able to tackle one of the things you’re struggling with in the ask you sent me above means that the dysphoria may start to make more sense for you in the same context as the dysmorphia -- and, hopefully, there will eventually be less of a conflict between the two, or at least they’ll be more understandable, even if they’re entirely separate from each other.

Since you’re not yet sure you want to transition due to these very genuine inner conflicts, then, like, I get why your therapist isn’t going ahead with it, but I also don’t want you to have to stagnate with therapy, or be denied the sense of progress, or with generally getting to know yourself either -- I want you to have the opportunity to live a life that feels right for you, but without the various intense fears associated with that! And I know that it’s fully possible, and will likely just take time, and support, and a willingness to unravel some things that... are probably gonna hurt a lot to unravel.  So you should definitely make sure you’re ready to unpack those things and are doing it with a professional you trust; and that you have outside support networks as well (friends, family, whoever is close to you that you can talk to).

Remember that there’s absolutely no time limit on when you can and can’t transition, if you choose to in the future! Plus, there are ways of transitioning that aren’t All The Way, you know? Reversible things you can do (which may have been what you were asking for from the start, ahahaha! My apologies for my wordiness in this response :’)

There are obvs options like binding, packing, etc., that you probably already know about (and know more about than me, tbh).  But you can also try other things out too -- there are certain types of makeup techniques/contouring for a more masculine look, more natural forms of altering hormones (if you feel safe doing so, and your doctor suggests any safe options -- definitely research this one thoroughly ahead of time).  

A legal change of name can also switch up how you feel a whole lot, if you’re ready/able to do so, (and if not, even just asking ppl to refer to you by a name that you choose, or a variety of different names, depending on whether you’re not sure which one fits yet; it’s always okay to change your mind wrt these things).  

Changing your wardrobe drastically can also rly alter how other ppl view and treat you, and I know there are resources online, and many on this site (mainly written by ppl who use the term trans for themselves, but that will hopefully be helpful to you as well), that have clothing swap links, and other suggestions as to more transition-related things you can do to move forward, while also not making any decisions that feel too permanent! Here are some of the links/resources along that vein that I could find:

https://transclothesexchange.tumblr.com/ (clothing exchanges)

https://transguys.com/style/trans-clothing-exchanges (clothing exchanges)

https://thebodyisnotanapology.tumblr.com/post/97564996149/transgender-resources (resources in general, including general body positivity, which could be incredibly helpful during especially dysmorphic and/or dysphoric times!) 

https://advicefromabro.tumblr.com/gi (I think this is an older post, but it mentions an app that will allow you to find a gender-neutral or safe bathroom, if that’s currently a concern for you!)

https://transstudiesarchive.tumblr.com/post/168139537672/transgender-resources-masterpost (looks like this one has some resources for African American people as well, among a variety of races)

https://nonbinary-support.tumblr.com/resources (this one has some links regarding name changes and tips for choosing a name, if that’s something that you’re interested in!)

https://transgenderteensurvivalguide.tumblr.com/post/147789231360/makeup-tips-for-ftm-people (some makeup and skincare tips for men!)

(I hope some of these are helpful for you, Anon! I’m sorry that they use language that doesn’t apply to you, it’s just what came up when I researched these tips -- but I think these are resources that could be helpful for anyone in a similar boat, not strictly trans ppl!)

In any case, whatever you do and don’t do, you can always choose who you are and how you represent yourself.  There are some physical aspects to a body that cannot be changed, or can only be changed with medical intervention, and some aspects of appearance that will always be there (skin colour, etc), but these things don’t define who you are.  I dunno how helpful this will be, but I wanted to also leave you with this; you may have certain body parts, but they aren’t your gender, or the sum of you.  People might assign labels like “trans” to you, but that doesn’t make them right, or you wrong.  You’re African American, but that’s not the sum of you either.  Your race, your gender, these are important aspects of our lives in the sense that they inform our experiences in a lot of ways, but they aren’t Who You Are.  “African American male” may be something a doctor writes on a sheet for you someday, or maybe not, but regardless, it says nothing about you as a person:  

It doesn’t tell anyone what you love, what you dislike, what makes you happy, your hobbies and interests, what you’re good at, what you want to become good at, your dreams, your goals, your personal achievements, those little things in life that make you smile sometimes, your complexities, your favourite colour, a place you’d love to go, a place you already like to go when you want to be alone, or somewhere or something you want to share with a loved one someday, a movie scene that made you cry, whether or not you’re an animal person/want pets (or already have them), your lifelong habits, embarrassing things you did when you were younger, how deeply and wonderfully you affect the people in your life, stories you may have created, your sense of beauty and style, a song or a poem that speaks to you, your sense of humour... all these things are yours.  No matter where you are in life right now, and no matter where you want to be in the future! No one has the right to define you but you -- and no one can take that from you. 

Happy New Year, Anon! And best of wishes~!!! : D

[elizabethrobertajones]

Is there a particular reason supernatural hates twilight?

Oh my god that’s a complicated one :P I think it’s largely a cultural response to Twilight, which was really disliked in general pop culture by everyone but the target audience of teen girls, largely for its creepy message of stalking and purity culture, and the fear that tweens were soaking up a bad message of shitty relationships and shame. Which I guess wanders a bunch of territory about how much tweens know their own heads and can be allowed to like the things they like without being mocked for it, but then I grew up as a teen during the craze but surrounded by virulent anti-Twilight feeling from intellectual writing snobs outside and in the relevant genres, and have since wandered into the YA fantasy genre myself as a writer so I have a lot of feelings about this and need to fiercely learn to defend my own writing against the instinct that saying the 4 main characters are all 17 and female in the first book is an instant cause for deflection and embarrassment about its perception, so, you know, this first paragraph ends in the meme about “in this essay I will -”

Sera Gamble is an actual Twilight fan, however, fitting the secondary demographic of attractive women of the same broad description of Bella/Stephanie Meyer with a heart shaped face and long brown hair so I can totally see HOW it got her when you add in whatever amount of personal spookiness ends up with you writing on a horror show for 6 years at least :P Very much the secondary demographic of the novels after the teen versions of the same women >.> 

The writer of 6x05, however, is a dude, and there’s something deeply mocking about most of the portrayal, except I suspect the bar scene in the cold open, which IS mocking but seems to have been overseen by a Twilight fan to get in tons of accurate details with a level of absolute parody perfection. Kristen and Robert are honestly some of the best rando side characters :’)

Dean also is avidly not the sort of Twilight demographic and given his job probably finds the whole mythology ridiculous, so making jokes about killing vampires and calling them “Twilight” derogatorily is one of his favourite jokes. 6x05 implies Sam and Dean have a fair amount of passing knowledge of Twilight because it was a huge craze, and even outside my circles of fandom and writing and being a teenage girl etc at the time it was inescapable culturally… It’s one of the few things for teenage girls that Dean genuinely seems not to like, and he even seems to be totally cool with other YA, like mockingly calling Kevin “Katniss” with a reasonable amount of affection/implied admiration of her archery skills or whatever. 

I kinda think the new writer (Brett Matthews) went overboard on selling Adult Men Mock Teenage Girls For Their Interests in that scene where they’re in Kristen’s bedroom, because for once Sam and Dean - and this is SOULLESS SAM too - are in agreement about the other books and Twilight, and Dean having his own Pattinson moment later with Lisa, is not confronting being a sexy creature of the night stalking and harming his love interest at night after sneaking into her room, in any sort of way betraying interest in a supposedly female/teenage property like a bunch of other stuff he likes. Since Sam is soulless that scene should be written that Dean has a secret “it’s not so bad” feeling, but it never comes and he slaughters all the vampires and reclaims his agency and the metaphor that Twilight is rapey and bad represented by those vampires remains the entire main message with the girls being disproportionately punished, while even the guys who Boris assaulted and turned being socially better off, with the women as angsty poetry writing chattel the recruiters are “allowed to bang”

It’s enough of a bad taste that it goes past the point of being fair and has strong and disappointingly surface level misogyny about how vampire romances suck, and for an episode that deals heavily with assault themes, still misses the mark by punishing and blaming the girls without seeing them as sympathetic victims, instead punishing them for liking the crap edgy teenagers like >.> Idk if Sera missed the nuance or it only got worse once it was filmed or if it was funny to her and she was engaging in some self-deprecation as well or what (no one would argue Twilight is well-written but its narrative and love story is compelling to the psyche in a way that can’t be denied considering its massive hysterical popularity at the time and that means I’m shamefully coming to realise that bashing it and dismissing it outright even if I think it’s a bad book is shamey and thoughtless, and not considering the people who DO like it and why…) 

Whatever it is we ended up with an episode which somehow starts as a loving if kind of mocking parody/subversion of Twilight that rapidly turns into shitting all over it in a really depressing way, which gives the entire flavour of the show’s teasing of Twilight that bad flavour… At the end of the day it’s all common garden variety misogyny and hating what teenage girls are interested in, though. Lovingly told through a lens of a whoooole bunch of adult men mocking it, in the writing, directing, characters and actors, and only the show runner is actually a fan, which just gives it that really weird flavour of being a KNOWLEDGEABLE hate-wank about the books.

[ell-bent]

It’s Complicated

Back in the spring of 2016, my friend tried to kill himself.

All the details I received at the time were secondhand, things I didn’t really understand until they were retold and retold again later. He wasn’t my “friend” per say at the time, rather a friend of a friend with whom I shared some experiences. We’d known each other for a solid year and a half, but never really hung out; more just existed in the same spaces while other people were hanging out with each other, which usually involved smoking weed. Which was fine.

               Anyway, this kid was super fucked up. As the extreme, literally life threatening drama poured into my phone via a variety of messages, I felt for this kid I hardly knew but still cared about. Does he need help? I thought to myself. Is there anything I can even do?

               No, I assumed. Plus my mom was in town and staying at my apartment so I couldn’t just invite this relatively strange and definitely fairly fucked up person over to sleep on my couch.

               Essentially what happened over the next couple days was a domestic shit show involving the destruction of friendships, relationships, and a band. The details are sensitive in nature and to this day I’m not sure if I can accurately construct a complete narrative, so I’ll spare you.

               Basically no one was friends anymore, everyone was sad, and some people were in danger. Nothing ended well and everything was awful. Another reminder: I was a step removed from this situation, watching it like a doomed train I couldn’t avoid.

               Fast forward a month and a half or so. I make the snap decision (very snap, I am not great at making responsible, well thought out decisions, ) to run down to Baltimore to see the last show of my favorite band’s tour—a band I knew would Jon (the kid I’ve been talking about) would probably also like.  I sent him a text and asked him to come, and he actually said yes,  which came as a genuine surpirse. I was and still am used to solo adventures, and even though I love them companionship is also nice, especially at a concert.

               Much more to my surprise, he offered to let me stay at his place. He lived with his parents a little bit outside of Baltimore and had an extra bedroom or something, so apparently it wouldn’t be any trouble. It beats riding the 1:47am bus out of a random Baltimore bus stop and getting home to Jers’ around 6am. In return, I bought his ticket to the show.

               Mind you, at this point I’d never really hung out with Jon one-on-one before—just in a group setting, once on a double date, at some parties (both Dinner and Typical House.) So I was kind of nervous to meet his parents, who knew very little about me besides the fact I was Matt’s, his best friend at the time, girlfriend. And here I was, a strange girl about to stay at their house who bought him a concert ticket.

               Jon is not (or at least not at the time) much of a conversationalist. He’s just quiet until you get to know him.  We talked at the concert a little, about what he’s been up to since he’s been home, if/when he’s going back to Nashville. I can’t really remember the answers to any of these questions; we talked a little bit about medication and stuff. I don’t remember much of the show, just that it was really fuckin’ cool, as their shows always are.

               His mom picked us up after and we drove back to his house, which was farther away but the exact size that I expected. I put my stuff in the room provided to me that was filled with photographs of young Johnny and his sister, who seemed to be the Golden Child. There’s always a golden child. Usually the golden child is not the one with aggressive and expensive neurological issues such as ourselves.

               After throwing my stuff on the bed I walked downstairs and watched hockey with Mr. Jon’s Dad (sparing last name) while Jon grinded up some weed on the table right in front of him.

               I was thrown off but not surprised. I knew Jon’s parents were OK with him smoking but I had also always assumed that it was a don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy; ignorance is bliss. But there he was, packing a bowl at the table, while his father sat in the recliner watching the Penguins highlights.

               Mr. Jon’s Dad was also a quiet guy—we made cheap conversation about the playoffs and whatever hockey information I could coherently rattle off. Eventually he went to bed, and jon and I sat alone and watched How it’s Made.

               You know those nights where you stay up until three in the morning and talk about both everything and nothing? And you don’t really know how or why you end up talking about these things but it happens ridiculously unexpectedly and it’s just really cool? This was one of those nights—one of the strangest and important of my life.

               Of course we talked about deep things and laughed and I gave him advice, but now I just don’t know if any of it was real. I thought the motivation and intent were pure—we both need friends and support and some sort of person who understood what the other was going through. I thought I helped him, and he helped me too.

               Over the next couple months I kept a virtual eye on him—still nervous he was going to hurt himself and unwilling to lose a friend. I called him to remind him to take his meds even though I was sure I was annoying him. There was one time I saw a suspicious tweet and called him at 12:30am.

               He helped me get through my break up, encouraged me to just be honest with Matt about my feelings, that it was best to just do it. I told Jon as soon as Matt and I backslid in February, asked him for advice. Because he knew Matt so well, he was a confidant on the inside, and gave insight when he felt like he could.

               Jon and I only ever hung out a few times one on one, and yet I considered him one of my closest friends, even though I was never positive he didn’t feel the same.

            But I slept with Jon a few months ago, which was probably one of the biggest mistakes of my entire life.  It negated something that was an unnecessarily huge turning point in my existence.  

I went over to his apartment right before I left Nashville indefinitely and had already planned to stay the night. I picked up a 12 pack of Miller High Life and I drank most of it. We just sat and watched Rick and Morty and Bill Maher and some other shit I don’t care to remember, me tipsy (if not straight up drunk), and him stoned as could be. I’d spent the past week or so couch surfing, making my rounds of Nashville to say goodbye.

As we watched whatever it was we were watching, we slowly inched closer together, to the point where his arm was awkwardly around my shoulder while I rested my head on his. I kept thinking to myself how simply bad of an idea this was; he was a good friend, he was my ex’s best friend, this could negate everything. But Drunk Ellie was horny and lonely, and hadn’t felt emotionally close to anyone in a few months, and hated herself already; why not add a little more on top?

He asked if I wanted to just sleep in the bed; initially I said no, but of course changed my mind. “I guess I will,” I said. “God knows I’m not gonna be able to sleep in an actual bed for a while.”

So I crawled in next to him (wearing a bra, a tshirt and leggings), and didn’t get far before we started playing footsie, which then lead to other obvious things.

Afterwards, the first thing he said, something I’ll never forget, was “I’ve been thinking about that for a long time.” Reluctantly, I responded “Me too.” We talked some more, I asked him my post-sex question that I ask everyone, and eventually went to bed.

The next morning I left pretty early to head to whatever my next destination was. Here was a fairly accurate representation of the conversation we had, which surprisingly wasn’t that awkward.

Me: Thanks for the hangs.

Jon: Yeah dude, no problem.  It was good to see you.

Me: Let me know if you’re ever in NYC, It’d be really nice to see you.

Jon: Yeah totally. I think my friend Olivia and I might go up there over the summer sometime.

Me: That’d be sweet. See ya.

This exchange might objectively seem awkward, yet somehow it wasn’t. It was just us.

The next day or whatever,  I texted him asking what had been bothering me for the past 24 hours. I don’t want to go back and look at how I phrased the question because I don’t really want to see the answer in text form again.

“Soooo how long is a long time lol”

“Idk, since like freshman year? You?”

“Idk a while, but I was with Matt”

He hasn’t responded to me since.

Jon’s a year younger than me, and I had just graduated. We had both dated other people; seriously dated other people, within that time.  And yet it was in the back of his mind for two and a half years? I didn’t know whether to be flattered or insulted. All I knew to be was confused.

So much had happened between Jon and Matt and I in the past year. Jon encouraged me in breaking up with Matt. He was there to talk me through the aftermath. When Jon and I hung out back in May, it was admittedly charged but morally forbidden to the both of us.

Was Jon’s support all a long-game effort to get in my pants? Was the friendship and support I offered him misconstrued as capital F Feelings? Had I not realized I had feelings for him? It crossed my mind, quiet selfishly, that maybe he at one point has feelings for me.

Regardless, I appear to have lost a good friend. And it makes me sad every day.