#idk sorry im ranting now lol
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been sober for 4 days so far & it’s been hard but slowly falling in love w/ my sober mind and excited to see how far i can go ❤️
#i just smoke too much weed to the point where it’s like not conducive to my mental health#like ive smoked almost every single day of my life since i was 16-17 ish till now & like#while u can’t od on bud now that im growing older it’s just like#hmmmm maybe needing a psychoactive substance to end ur day with and watch shows & eat food with#isn’t great :/#idk the goal yet i think ideally I’ll indulge every now & then bcs i do love being high ngl lol#but rn I need to not NEED it so slowly making those steps to end my reliance !!!!!#sorry for ranting probs will delete but just thinking out loud lol
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truthfully i want to back away from jjk but i don’t know how
#bc i still love nanami & want to write about him but#i don’t feel like i’m a part of the fandom anymore#& im okay w it i just want to have my own space on here#it’s just all i see allll the time and i’m kind of tired of it :( bc i don’t care anymore#i don’t get excited about it like i do bsd either :(#i also don’t just want to be known as a jjk blog which i feel like … i kind of am now maybe :/#but like it’s ALLL people post about & i have a lot of jjk moots which i love so i’m not going to block anyone 😭😭 but i also wish i could#just like …. distance myself easier lol#it’s mostly the fandom too like idk i don’t like it#anyway sorry for the rant but if you’re wondering why i’m posting all abt bsd again all of the sudden this is why#i just realized it makes me a lot happier !! :3 to be more a part of that side of tumblr
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19.12.23, tuesday
0.5h of coding lol
wasn’t having the best day so decided to finally watch the barbie-movie (it’s on hbo rn) bc figured that could cheer me up
but bc the universe loves a good timing, on the grocery store trip after, some dudes came to me like ”which one of us would u fuck?” and that annoyed me way more than it should’ve. Like cmon, it’s 10pm at a grocery store; if you’re not cottage cheese or olive oil get tf out of my face
just a short evening walk bc it was windy and I was annoyed
#also the barbie-movie; it was fine#not my favorite but I didn’t think it’d be bc I don’t rly usually go for that genre#also at this point the hype had got to me so my expectations were very unfair#the set tho; it looked so good#I love how I planned that I’d be a machine now this week so could actually not stress during christmas but it’s looking out to be like one#of the most unproductive days I’ve had all autumn lol#i’m thinking if I should just call it and start the holidays now and just idk catch up on some of the days in between christmas & new years#and I do have 8 days after new years before other courses start#but idk if I do thay I might not rly be able to chill during christmas#like rn I’m thinking if I should bring my laptop with me just in case I could squeeze a couple hours here & there during the few days#which is not the thing to do obviously; like it’s 5 days I can be apart from my laptop for 5 days#but it feels like with the amount of stuff I’ve gotten done I rly couldn’t afford a 5 day break rn#idk I’ll figure it out I won’t bring a laptop just to haunt me#(I’m bad at fully relaxing; there’s always the ’’u could be doing something productive tho’’-voice)#(which I don’t listen but then I just get nothing done and also never rly relax which is good super good)#(can u tell im still annoyed at everything rn lol sorry for the tag rant)#december 2023#2023#today
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I'm gonna get into a brawl with my mother one day don't be surprised when I get on the news
#long rant incoming lol but#so my birthday is in like 2 weekends from now and my mom asked me for a list of things i want#so i compiled a list of six things with like 2 $10 options 2 like $17 options and one $25 and $60 option#and i wanna be clear i dont really care to make one but she gets pissy if i dont and its meant as more an ideas list#i dont need everything on there and its meant for my entire family#or ignore the list! i don't care!#FREAKED OUT on me saying i was being selfish/too expensive and im like....i never expected all of this stuff epseically from one person...#i am happy with one of the $10 options or a gift card or something else entirely so like#it kinda feels bad to get asked for a list of stuff i want and then get called selfish for it and then for her to talk behind my back about#me to my sister lol#also asked me if i was available for a bday celebration on a certain day and i was like yeah i got a thing in the afternoon but i can#still make it#get yelled at AGAIN bc she said oh u can leave that early and i was like...uh...no i cant lol im sorry....i paid to go to this thing already#and its like why ask me if u are gonna get mad if im unavailable (which im not even lmao)#idk it's just it's always been an ideas list in my family so i dont get why she's freaking out on me and acting like im asking for so much#espcially cause she just changed out all of her kitchen appliances and redid all of the landscaping in her front and back yard like 😭😭😭#truly didnt think a $10-20 gift was like crazy if u did wanna get me a gift lol#not really looking forward to it now ngl#chen.txt#rant post
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i made. boxes. 👍
#can you tell my motivation is nonexistent#x'd#lay rambles#i just need spacefillers at this point#might as well be glorified cubes#my whole project at this point is basically#save me lighting#lighting save me#(<- hoping that The Vibe will make up for zero effort in my modeling)#also. i made some foliage but unreal gave me an error when i tried to import it AND smh also my foliage exports are gone now too???#(probably unrelated issues but idk where the files went..)#and i didnt save the projects in treeit because. idk why. but i need to redo all of that 😩#i think at this point i will just. use the default ones LOL#the technical part should be fine at least. im working with masks and lods and instances all my pivots are correct my workflow is modular#i stand by my point that the learning part is the important thing and not running myself ragged to make it Big and Fancy#anyways. sorry for ranting abt this project all the time gfskljfls but dw it is over soon <333
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hi
#heyyy im alive#im sorry i havent been on tumblr much#i havent finished a lot of art recently either so im sorry the tmnt one is so messy#it was fun to make though#OH#yeah uh#ive been really into tmnt recently#rise specifically#and i havent really been focusing on kirby lately#i still really like kirby but idk.. ill try to draw more of it though#anyways#the first drawing was for a school project (that i should probably be working on right now..)#and the second was for practice because i really wanna learn how to draw mikey#i might try drawing donnie or raph next#leo scares me ngl#like he's so.. oddly shaped? very pointy#ok time for the real tags lol sorry for ranting#kirby#hello kitty#sanrio#teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt#tmnt michelangelo#rottmnt mikey#rise of the tmnt#wow thats a lot#turtle's art hoard#oh fun fact i didnt even really like turtles that much recently#i have no idea why thats my username
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AAAARRGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
#im so annoyed rn#Rant incoming im sorry i apparently needed to vent#HOW TF I ABSOLUTELY SUCK AT ONE OF MY FAVORITE CLASSES#like i really really find this interesting. i love to study it. i love to do the work sheets (not so much rn bc im failing it miserably)#SO HOW AM I NOT ABLE TO DO A SINGLE PROBLEM!?!?!? like this is getting ridiculous#like.... this is so sad#i actually like this. and tbh in my whole college journey there weren't that many classes i loved like this#idk this really makes me sad to be honest. bc it's one of those classes that i did try#<- it's the class that im retaking bc i failed it last year btw.#like last year i was so fucking depressed and hated my degree sm and this was the first class to make me feel the *joy of learning*TM again#and i failed it#but like miserably#and now im studying it again and im failing the easiest problems... from the first chapter#anyways dw about me - at least this is smth i actually enjoy and i want to know so it's not as painful to study#it just pains me that im naturally good at many stuff and this is not one of that stuff#arghh. gotta go watch a little bit of masterchef and go back to studying ig#aj rambles#<- lol forgot this tag
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so i didnt finish that big drawing but hey now at least i have a new image of apollo again
#portal#portal oc#listen i love apollo and hes my one of my blorbos but i wanna give my other ocs some spotlight too </3#also i dont wanna talk abt him too much because hes a bit of flawed character and i dont want ppl to be weird abt him before-#-i get commited into my oc's stories since ive seen ppl being weird abt complex characters many times in the past#i was excited to write him to be hopefully one of my two most complex oc's but now im all anxious :(#i dont want for him to end up having him be flanderized w the time bc i dont really want to sanitize his characters#already toned down some of my posts abt him bc of this#idk maybe im being too anxious#sorry for long rant in tags btw lol lmao
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🐁☁️🌫️
#sorry gnna sound like a shit person now but im not feeling well i just need to rant#nothing good ever happens to me. every aspect of my life is a mess. im constantly miserable w nothing to pull me out of it#it's been getting worse nd worse for years nd if it keeps getting worse im not gnna be able to take it much longer#ofc there are sooo many others who have it way way way worse than i do. so i feel weak nd pathetic for being so affected by it when i know#it could be literally sm worse than it is now. like i get that. i know im not nearly as bad off as many ppl are#but idk still it's rlly tough to have *nothing* that makes me keep going. the literal only thing is that i dont kms bc i dont wanna hurt mom#bc im poor so i cant do ANYTHING. i cant go anywhere. not the cinema not concerts not to the mall not to the bookstore not an amusent park#i cant even go to cafées bc i dont have any money at all to spend on that#i have no friends to hang out w. even if i couldnt afford going anywhere i cant even just take a walk or sit nd talk to them bc there r none#my sisters havent talked for me in over a year#and like yada yada i dont have anything to pull me out of my misery bubble. no friends to comfort me no family to hang out w#nothing to do or nowhere to go. hell i havent even been able to eat for 8 months so i cant even like eat smth yummy nd watch a movie lmao#i cant even read bc of the constant noise! i cant go out into the forest bc there r always subway construction work or choppers or gun shots#i know im 'focusing on the negative' but what am i supposed to do when theres nothing positive to focus on lol?????#im always physically uncomfortable bc of pain nd health issues nd im always anxious nd stressed too so like... yay#and. this is where i sound mean but like after years nd years of nothing good happening to me... idc for others anymore like#when they talk abt their loving relationships and their kind friends nd them going to concerts im like.. wow !! u get to be happy!! i dont!!#im just envious nd jealous nd bitter bc why cant i have ANYTHING good???? not just ONE fkn thing?#other ppl get to have multiple things but i get nothing?????#and its not exactly like i hate them or wish illwill on them im just like wow kinda dont feel sympathy for u bc u have sm things#i've never had :))) nd u can never understand how awful it feels to be deprived of it so idc :))))
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To be fair, Warden has this noise making machine which makes it basically harmless. So unless something happens to it there's no danger, but it very well could (if someone broke even a block of that contraption). In me eyes theres no danger with the prank but I totally agree with you on the lack of respect Fobo get (and been getting forever) from most of other islanders. They're silly, so it means their worldview and needs and opinions are just silly things that could be disregarded, right???
Yeah cause of that I’m not completely worried about it because I’m aware of the distance it is from the home. Plus I think Sunny or Leo will be wise if they see it. It’s just the warden can be very unpredictable and is still a very strong mob so you never know if something will go wrong especially with the mods. Just a lot of factors yk?
But yeah the severe disrespect/disregard Foolish and Tubbo get just because they’re silly or usually doing a bit if not doing their chosen mc profession, is so unreal.. It’s not even as if they haven’t seen them not be silly too because everyone has seen Foolish be serious as many times as the rest gave but he usually just tries to lighten the mood and then the maze was literally Tubbo’s number 1 serious thing for ages. Like they can be serious just because they aren’t as intense with it doesn’t mean they their feelings and thoughts don’t matter.
#sorry went on a bit of a rant at the end there but yk what i mean hopefully#anons now got me on one i need to mskr a fobo post 🙇#asks#qsmp fobo#idk if this is neg but hashtag fobo bc im taking about them lol
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Saying Goodbye to My Mask event on project sekai may have been a premonition of having my own mental health tank to the same level as Mafuyu's because well. Let's just say. The depression. (. ❛ ᴗ ❛.)
#miko talking#well. even though i try to get help it feels like my parents sabotage me more#the only comfort is realizing my feelings and wondering about it#frankly i dont like acknowledging them bc then i feel like im not playing up to the role everyone expects of me but#i want to express it in my stuff but I've been losing my will to keep drawing and writing and i guess#this is what depression is like. i just never expected to find myself actually going through it#i thought i left that era of havingthe worst time of my life but i feel like these past few years#are definitely my most worst#i think thats one thing games like pjsk has me realizing#and why i find comfort in n25#because to me they feel like pieces of me that have been written down#idk why im ranting lol??? i just want to be honest with how i feel but i end up going back to trying to be a people pleaser#ewwwww. i hate this. in truth i dont like people all that much. neither do i like making new friends#it's crazy because I'm always saying sure! when someone asks even though i know I'm not going to feel anything from it#sorry..... but I don't care enough anymore.... maybe one day i will#but right now not really..... at least at the moment.#these friendships with followers are in truth just parasociality and i dont want it after what happened the first time#especially with how two-faced/double standards people are like#people are the worst ^^ i wish the world was a kinder place for everyone but i dont know how much longer i can keep up with this#if only people minded their own business. im not someone to be babied by people who think they know better.#what a pain (◕ᴗ◕✿)
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what medication do you think you need and why
honestly I have no clue but I do know I need SOMETHING. I for sure I know I have depression. as for any other diagnosis I'm unsure but my friends have told me (who are diagnosed with these) I probably have quiet bpd/autism🧍🏻♀️
#letters 2 me#of course this is assuming im getting therapy as well but i can't afford that with everything going on rn#my mom got diagnosed with lymphoma recently and my hours are down bc it's slow season for food service and theres just no way#if i personally had money to help myself i would use it for my mom or just for rent before it went towards myself#i feel so bad because my friends want to do all these fun things but I just cant rn#i wish i lived in solitude sometimes in a cabin in the mountains so i didnt have to worry about money or anything. thats the dream#or maybe i should just sell a non important organ on the black market and make bank idk#LOL sorry im gonna stop ranting now#im looking into overnight retail rn i need out of food service and something more stable
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there’s one on here currently and they’re bringing back up old controversy (jashshipping)
Yeaa I saw that. They also seem to post a bunch of CJ related things, so I might make the daily photos one since there isn't one for just CJ screenshots/photos
#im gonna be a fait bit busy today so I cant make it rn#also wont be making it tomorrow as there's another strike happening then [ill make a post on that later too btw]#but i want there to be an account just of stuff from the vids or of the ones he posts on twitter#as for the shipping thing#i wish ppl wouldn't be so rude with things sometimes man#my stance is basically the same as CJs. interpret it however you'd like just don't show it to ppl who are uncomfortable with it#also don't harass or be a dick to people who do or don't ship it#im glad it died down since then at least & that there's not a bunch of hate going around#this fandom is simultaneously really nice to be in & also really draining sometimes#tho it definitely isn't the worse. ive been in a lot of ones that are a LOT worse than here. big & small#place is actually quite nice mostly. despite some things that deserve needing to be called out [like some of the ableism toward Heart]#I think things would be a lot better if people just let others do their own thing. as long as its not like. fuckin illegal or offense#or against CJs boundaries. just let others vibe out in there own corner#ain't that what we all said when TH purists complain about CJs covers? No ones forcing you to consume the content. is all good#just stay where you're comfortable! if anyone's forcing you to look at their stuff then they're the issue. and that goes both ways#again just listen to what the guy said. don't show it to people that don't like it. don't harass people who do it don't like it. an like#just be groovy#sorry for the rant this has just been on my mind for months now#im generally very neutral on things but i hate everyone just yellin at each other when there doesn't need to be yelling in the first place#again this place is hell of a lot better than other spaces ive been in#its a main reason this is the first fandom I've actively participated a shit ton in#im actually using discord & talking [a bit] to other ppl for once lol#idk man i like it here. Just don't make a reason for people not to like it here#again apologies for the rant op. this has just been on my mind for some time & i really don't want shit being blown up again#also apologize if anythins spelled wrong or sounds like nonsense#shitty keyboard + dyslexia + not being able to edit tags can make dumb results lol#moss rants#[atlas asks]
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clawing at the walls. i need internet friends who have the same interests and hobbies and i need irl friends who want to go out and do things and want to learn about me and teach me about them
#mnt talks#this is kinda venty but#i don’t care (i might delete this later idk)#all my friends are distant and only care abt my interests bc it’s a thing im yapping abt#i want friends who want to talk to me abt the thing too#i want friends who want to help me write and help me draw#who want to collab or do art trades with me#please please please how the fuck do i meet people#i can’t just run off the occasional friends i meet and talk to for a few days to a month or two max before losing#i need to meet people NOW and i need them to STAY and i need them to listen when i tell them how to make me feel cared for#oouohg#sorry for ranting lol#please. any markiplier ego fans and or self shippers and or writers slash artist or perchance editors#i don’t make edits but i love them and am so interested in them
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honestly still so upset the blood donation situation. makes me sit on the floor and sulk for an hour each time i think abt it
#france finally allowed gay ppl to donate blood BUT with a 6 months abstinence#but my main obstacle at the time (didn't have bf + is considered woman at the eyes of the law 🖕) was because i weighted way less than 50kg#i was heartbroken when i hit 18 and got slapped in the face with the info that i couldn't donate my blood#thing i wanted to do since i was a kid when my big bro did it#it was the only thing that kinda helped getting out of my ed tbh 😵💫 didn't. really worked sadly#i did gain some weight finally living with bf alone us two! but 50 is the bare minimum and you can't still give everything in your blood#then i got on t and was so happy realising i was gaining some weight (+weight restribution made me less dysphoric and ed got better)#but lol i still can't donate blood!!! cos' i'm on t now!!!!! looool fuck my baka life fr#😔😔😔😔 like the sole goal that helped me go through ed and not literally starve myself at some point in my life#smh#mibbe one day? i hope i'll be able if i change my id to m ??? mibbe this will bypass the hrt parameter. idk. head in hands#true fucking head in hands moment#ive reached more than 55 i could give everything from my blood augh :((( ppl are in need wtf man#sORRY ranting in da tags im just. :( i hate remembering this that's all.#will play some video games now waiting to get some cheezborgir........ keeping da brain busy
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happy eurovison!! do your stretches!!!
babe it's been days since i did my stretches at this point im too scared
#in my defence idk WHAT was going on with my sunday shift bc i only waitressed 7 hours and that's a pretty normal shift for me#like im aware compared to a normal person it would be very difficult to just out of nowhere expect them to be on their feet#walking back and forth the entire length of a restaurant regularly carrying heavy things all the while keeping up ABOVE AND BEYOND socially#for SEVEN ENTIRE HOURS with ZERO BREAK like masking that entire time on top of the 7 hour physical workout#like it's insane if u think about it for more than 2 seconds and im really trying to bc every time i falter i beat the shit out of myself#and like? NO? my job is actually very physically demanding and emotionally draining compared to most people's day-to-day activity#it's gonna have impacts sometimes!#so yeah long story short i finished my shift sunday and when i tell you my legs LOCKED UP in bed that night#like mainly my thighs but it was all in my hips and knees and it was so bad that i lay there until 2am before getting painkillers#bc i couldnt hack it#which is SAYING SOMETHING for me bc im normally both quite good with pain and also a hardass for taking painkillers#ive had that happen once before (again after waitressing lol) & never worried about it but my mum recently got diagnosed with arthritis#and ever since ive been like. Looking at my own joints any time they even HINT at playing up#like i am RENOWNED for inhereting all of my mum's medical shit from mental to physical like i KNOW i'll get it it's just a matter of when#and yeah that was sunday it's now tuesday and my thighs STILL feel bruised#and im like. embarassed about it bc it's not like i did anything spectacular? and idk why it's happening?#yeah idk hiiii rori did u like me ranting about my physical health in ur stretch reminder ask sorry do u still think im hot <3#ask
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