#idk what about me is so insufferable but I literally do not have friends anymore

[cruel-style]

.

[slavhew]

Be nice

late addition. existentialism

[hxhhasmysoul]

Okay we're getting nowhere and I don't have the char limit in asks to counter properly but just wanted to make clear that when I said you were being rude, I didn't mean to me personally but in saying things like "gojou's fans know no cringe".

"I don't have the char limit in asks to counter properly" - then dm me.

"Okay we're getting nowhere" - i don't know where the destination is so i can only trust you on this.

as to that particular tag being rude, yeah, it absolutely is. this is some unfortunate coincidence that you haven't come across the posts or tags where i talk this way because i often do. and i'm being very sincere here, i do not expect people to know all my posts. it's just unfortunate that you weren't forewarned and got a wrong impression of me.

i have for a very long time expressed extreme exasperation with the juju fandom. i have written that it gives me brain damage. i compared it to toxic waste. these are rude things to say regularly, especially without caveats like "some people in the jjk fandom ... ".

but i also have an about section on this blog which very explicitly says that this is my personal hoarding blog. this blog exists exclusively to cater to me and my fandom experience. that's why i vent and rant on it.

for example i vent on in about how gojou, getou and stsg fans are making the fandom quite insufferable for me, a person who:

1. used to like gojou but liked him because i see him as extremely flawed;

2. despises getou as a person for being a fascist and supremacist but used to like his descent into that ideology, not the execution in 0 though,

3. who gave zero shits about them as a pairing, like never thought about it on my own.

thank so the fandom now i can't stand gojou, getou and their ship anymore.

i love kenjaku and the getou and stsg fans who constantly erase them are aggravating.

getou fans who consistently pretend he wasn't genocidal are aggravating, especially considering how anti fascist and leftist a lot of juju is. gojou fans who act like his shit doesn't stink are frustrating too. these two exist probably 80% as fanon on this website.

stsg and gojou fans who think every fucking panel and every fucking moment in jjk is a parallel to either gojou or stsg. that will flood the juju tags with these inane farfetched takes even on moments that are specifically about other characters. yuuji, my absolutely fucking favourite character in juju is probably the main victim of this. almost everyday i look at a post with a manga panel or screen cap of characters i like, click to expand the post just to read some absolute gibberish about how this particular panel, this particular moment is actually about gojou or getou or them together...

this is how the fandom feels to fans of yuuji, kenjaku, megumi and others. gojou and getou fans think the fandom revolves around them, that it's their job let fans of other characters know that their favs are nothing more than stand ins for gojou and getou. that their stories exist only as reference to gojou and getou's stories... instead of, and i know it's fucking wild, letting others enjoy their thing without having to be bombarded by characters they don't give a shit about.

my friend witnessed a situation when gojou fans literally invaded and spammed a jjk server. making everyone else in that server have a bad day.

idk if there are any yuuji or kenjaku fans who go into gojou or getou's tags to create posts about how gojou or getou moments are actually just reference to yuuji or kenjaku moments. is that an actual thing that happens?

what have we done to gojou and getou's fans? what is our fucking crime that we can't enjoy our parts of the fandom in peace?

there are so many blogs that love gojou or even focus on him. and you came to me, a person whose interest in jjk can be boiled down to:

i'm not normal about yuuji

i love the mindfuck that is kenjaku

i love all the leftist themes in juju, its convoluted magic system and the way the multiple parallel plots used to run

i thirst after sukuna especially in his true form

i miss nobara a lot

i actually like angel, hana, yorozu, uro...

a person who wrote things like: gojou die challenge, or how i wanted sukuna to graphically and gratuitously eat gojou at the end of this fight to compensate for the brain damage i was getting from reading text posts on this website. that i hope that if he dies his fans will rage quit the fandom and we will finally be allowed not to think about him.

a person who practically never reblogs individual art of him because i can't look at him anymore.

and you come to poke me, to insinuate that my subjective opinions are somehow lesser from yours which you apparently consider objective or whatever, dear gojou fan.

and now you come here sulking that this is going nowhere... what is going nowhere? what did you set out to do? evangelise to me about gojou? because it's not enough that the majority adores him? no one is allowed not to care about him or the crime dislike him? no one is allowed not to be impressed by him? no one is allowed to prioritise different things about juju than you?

please, for the love of the manga gods, what did i fail to guess that you want from me? and how am i responsible for that, dear stranger who approached me?

i'm so exasperated. this is not an excuse, this is an explanation. i vent my frustrations in a rude way, it is what it is.

[indecisive-dizzy]

I’m brainrotting over Howdy and Eddie so have some ideas

The main idea I’ve been having is how they ended up experimenting and dating each other, because that’s a pretty big jump lmao

I imagine a while after Howdy moved in, he and Eddie would hang out all the time. They were basically attached at the hip, that’s how close they were

I mean, could you blame them? They literally lived together and they were best friends, of course they wanted to do stuff together

After a while, and after Howdy and Eddie had a heart to heart about what happened, me thinks Howdy was developing a crush but didn’t really realize it was a crush

He’d say stuff like: “yeah, of course I wanna hold his hand and kiss him and spend every minute of the day with him but isn’t that what all best friends think?”

It took Eddie’s siblings literally spelling it out to him to realize it was a crush :,)

Howdy’s freaking out about it because he’s scared of what’s gonna happen when Eddie finds out, what if he gets weirded out and doesn’t want to be around him anymore? He’s worried to ruin their friendship

Plus he’s still struggling with understanding how he feels sexuality wise. He likes girls still, but he has no idea if he likes guys in general of if he just likes Eddie because of everything that’s happened and how Eddie’s his best friend (only friend /j)

Still, I imagine Eddie finds out one way or another (he’s crushing too but it’s slightly more blatant as he’s 100% sure he likes men at this point)

They definitely need to talk about it but just don’t know how or when to do so 🥲🥲

👏Oblivious👏Howdy👏Is👏Peak👏Howdy. I swear this man knows nothing until it's spelled out with a PowerPoint Presentation lmao XD

maybe Eddie's siblings help him figure it out, telling him it's fine/normal to like girls and boys. but they couldn't tell him if what just an Eddie thing bc who knows. Howdy still panics bc he has a crush on his best friend but he'll figure it out, right?

Eddie on the other hand is just quietly sitting there wondering if he should say anything about his own crush on Howdy. He doesn't want to scare him ya know? cuz at this point he isn't sure Howdy likes guys.

When they do tell each other it's awkward but also wholesome. Eddie is so understanding and probably the best guy to have your first gay crisis about. He's such a sweetheart and he's happy to just talk it through

They try dating and once they get into the swing of things not only does Howdy better understand his sexuality, but they are insufferable.

You thought they were attached at hip before, good god they can't do anything without touching. Hands are everywhere. Other hands, hips, back, hair. Eddie practically moved in to Howdy's room so they can cuddle.

idk how they break up, but I imagine it's just an "oh we really like cuddling n spending time together but I'm not like In Love with you." They love each other, but they later understand they're not In love. Which is fine! They keep cuddling though, bc I live to normalize platonic cuddling.

[truckfreaks]

i am turning 32 in a few days and i have thoughts about it

here's the thing yall. i'm so much happier just being an unhinged weirdo 100% of the time as opposed to making myself palatable and code switching and all of that bullshit. it's SO TIRING. you know what isn't, though? literally just not giving a fuck anymore and just. doing what makes sense in the moment.

that doesn't mean "live without consideration of others", or "live with no filter", or "be insufferable 24/7". like, there are still times where i need to be professional and shit. but what i mean is, instead of making myself smaller - it is so much better to just stick to my guns when you KNOW you know something, and to be honest but unapologetic when you don't.

stick up for yourself. if something feels wrong in your gut, say so. if something feels right, celebrate it. pursue the weird shit you aren't sure if you're gonna like or not. wasted time is time you spent saying "man i wish i did [insert new experience here] today" instead of actually just going out and doing the thing. man, my depression was SO bad for the last, whatever, three years - between being assaulted *again* and stalked and being a nurse at a research hospital throughout the roughest waves of covid, having to resuscitate my neighbors son literally like a week after moving into a new place... fuck, idk. it was just blow after blow after blow after blow and i just felt like, so super hollow.

I literally would come home, crawl in bed, shut off my phone, and talk to no one until I had to go back into work again. friends, family, didn't matter. I hid from EVERYONE and everything and tried to just muscle through it all by myself. and it was the fucking WORST. like, the darkest place I've ever been in, without question.

(real life human company brought me NO joy at all. opposite, even. i would just dread seeing or interacting with anybody at all. most of the time if i talked to anyone, it was to ?people? that weren't there. not like i was hallucinating, or delusional, i knew nobody was really there, i just. idk. it's hard to explain, but i guess if i had to give it a label ... maladaptive daydreaming?)

and now i'm at a place in my life where... yeah, i still have those days where i wake up feeling like "damn. i can't believe i have to probably keep doing this shit for another thirty to fifty goddamn years." not like, suicidal but just exhausted at the very concept of how long and arduous life is and how you just have to keep going for the sake of other people and how fucking *tiring* that is. but, i also have a lot of days where even though i feel terrible, i force myself to get up and do what i need to do no matter how i'm feeling, because if i didn't, i'd literally just sit in bed and say to myself, man, wish i had gone and done that thing today. and i guess that even if life is long and exhausting and tiring, i'd rather be exhausted for a good fucking reason.

so that's why it's so important to me these days to be all in on just pursuing ... idk. whatever seems worthwhile, even if it's hard. there's still this really unbearable, heavy sadness that i grapple with every fuckin day - but you know what makes the sadness a little duller? thinking that i did some good for someone else today, or that i made someone laugh, or feel good about themselves. and the other thing that helps is just allowing myself to feel good, even if other people don't "get" it. i will unabashedly declare my love for a fictional skeleton on main, or i will show up to the function wearing my hair like fucking Misa Amane, or i will talk to cool looking bugs i find on my walks to tell them they look pretty even if they don't know what the fuck I'm saying and I dont!!!! care anymore!!!!! doing these things make me happy! and you know what? i know, FOR A FACT, that being open and honest about how much these things make me happy... makes *other people happy too*. and also empowers them to be able to be more true to themselves!

and there's something else to that, too. the more i like myself and allow myself to be happy, the more self respect i gain - which means suddenly, taking up space in the world doesn't feel like something inherently bad or undeserved.

if you actually read through this fucking novel, thanks, but no hard feelings if you couldn't make it, lmao. i just needed a place to get all of this down.

[denizenhardwick]

I posted 5,707 times in 2022

That's 4,556 more posts than 2021!

931 posts created (16%)

4,776 posts reblogged (84%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@playtwewy

@vivi-mire

@the-queen-is-off-duty

@an-aura-about-you

@goldensunset

I tagged 2,255 of my posts in 2022

#twewy - 524 posts

#dusty plays final remix - 286 posts

#joshua kiryu - 240 posts

#neku sakuraba - 194 posts

#cats - 134 posts

#neo twewy - 115 posts

#shiki misaki - 113 posts

#personal - 97 posts

#princess tutu - 95 posts

#joshneku - 83 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#bruh my dumb ass misread this as 'why is shooting ur friend (friendship edition) so much harder than shooting ur friend (romantic edition)'

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

my favorite thing in sky is when you become friends with someone and then they take your hand and just start taking you somewhere. where are we going? idk, but this is my bestie now, and i trust them. if we run into a dark dragon and get attacked, well, at least we're doing it together!

138 notes - Posted November 17, 2022

#4

it’s about being bitter and alone for years, isolating yourself form the world and other people because you’ve learned that friendship hurts, connection hurts, and no one would understand you anyways, right? so why bother? no one gets it.

and then! then you meet someone who does understand you. who does get it. and you fucking hate him. he is the most callous, selfish, insufferable asshole you’ve ever met but he fucking understands you better than anyone else ever has and you hate it. you hate that you see yourself in him because you don’t want to be like that anymore. you’ve grown, you’ve changed, is that really who you are? or who you were? because underneath all of that cruelness, you hold similar ideas about the world, but where you’ve started to look up and see the good in that world, he’s firmly stuck in the opposite direction.

this is what you could have become, and you realize it’s not what you want to be.

hnnnnn i’m going to shred a log between my teeth like i’m a woodchipper.

220 notes - Posted May 4, 2022

#3

for a game from 2007 with no explicit rep, twewy sure is queer as hell. one of the main characters is heavily gay-coded and literally every other mc can easily be read as queer in some way, from rhyme being referred to as “gender non-specific or something in the middle” during an interview, beat having a deadname and being considered a disappointment to his family, shiki’s insecurity manifesting in her inhabiting a body that literally isn’t hers, neku... okay, i actually can’t explain why he comes across so strongly as bi, but he does. and i think that’s all really, really cool.

also the fact that joshua’s character still holds up, even in 2022, is pretty fucking incredible. like, "gay-coded villain who constantly hits on the main character” is just straight-up a homophobic trope, but he’s not a homophobic caricature somehow. despite being very enigmatic, his character is handled with the same respect as everyone else’s and, importantly, he’s never portrayed as creepy or predatory. not even when we find out that he is the villain and he did kill neku.

idk. i guess i’m just glad that i can still enjoy twewy in 2022 without a blatant homophobic elephant in the room knocking shit over.

247 notes - Posted June 19, 2022

#2

it’s me boy i’m the ps5

403 notes - Posted February 28, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

don’t you hate it when that happens

464 notes - Posted January 17, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[lqfiles]

okay…. imessages games I AM SO HAPPY

also dw abt me spending too much time here, i was on a four days long weekend while i was active :3

also skating sounds REALLY cool i always wanted to try but in my town the place where people learn to skate is filled with weed and other drugs not to mention mean ppl so yea… also i am NOT skilled at volleyball 😭🙏🏻 well im kinda getting better now cause i started playing back in 2022 but after a game in another school some dudes were kinda molesting us and talking about our bodies so i got creeped out and stopped playing… and came back this year! i wanna be a libero this time, not a setter…

also the whole college stuff…? sounds complicated AF i would not survive. also you must be really smart to be in level 3 right? im sure you’re doing a great job now too !! <3

also IKR chenji sre like brothers like pls look at them….. jisung sees him as a role model and chenle can rely on him and they can have fun together BUT MARKMIN??? cutest

whenever someone mentions markmin i always remember that live where jaemin was messing around and mark says somethin like steve jobs sit down bc of his clothes… renaissance comedy perchance

i always write too much u need to tell me to shut up or otherwise i wont 🫤🫤 its REALLY cold here around the VII region in Chile idk abt the UK but TAKE CARE AND REST!!!!!

also im really serious about imessages games 🙂

- 🐣 anon <3

LOLL what is a better bonding experience than playing imessage games? NOTHING!

OH i don’t skate ANYMORE i used to as a child but i know my friends do. still, it can’t be worse than than england cos literally every street here smells like weed (even my school bathrooms.. just unclassy as hell) ALSO WHAT THE FUCK…. i hope you and the other girls are okay, ughhh men are so fucking insufferable, i’ll never understand why they’re so comfortable acting like that to women. i’m happy it didn’t fully ruin volleyball for you and even tho i have no clue what those positions are i hope you’ll get to be libero too ^^

trust me i’m not smart lolll i actually failed my maths exam the first time which is why i wasn’t allowed to immediately go to a level 3 lmao 😭 BUT WE UP NOW WE’RE DOING GOOD college is honestly not too complicated, the teachers help us (kinda) so it’s bearable.

OH EXACTLY EXACTLY see i do believe chenji are soulmates but their dynamic is not ALL THAT 😑 people just want to see them fuck that’s what’s going on.. markmin on the other hand 🥺🥺🥺 if you were to ask me to define markmin it would be that one huya live they did during helfu/hotsa era, jaemin was so clingy to mark and being a baby while also joking around and they were so cute together i think that was literally my markmin awakening.. THE STEVE JOBS JOKE WAS CRAZYY WHY DID HE VIOLATE JAEMIN LIKE THAT LMAOOO

its surprisingly been hot here lately, seems like the weather is preparing for summer lol i hope you stay warm tho <3 don’t catch a cold and don’t worry i like it when you guys ramble i can put my own input into stuff which i love so pls continue!

[r4nd0mgu1]

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

Man, I had started this project as a little "diary" for me to keep my mind occupied basically two years ago. I gave up on it (clearly), but idk, somethings happened and I thought It could be cool to write a bit again.

SOOOO, I've gone literally more than a YEAR on my social name in school. And it's so weird to read this old posts because so much has happened and I can't imagine not having people calling me by my social name anymore. Like it's just normal, yk? I'm really happy for that though, I feel really connected to myself right now, more than I ever was.

Another thing that changed is that my mom started treating me as her son. God, it wasn't fucking easy. We fought basically every day for the first few months. She didn't understand it, I think she didn't wanted to. But I couldn't give up on her because she was literally the only person I had in my life that I could never ever lose. I wanted to, though, all the time I thought about giving up on her, on everything actually, because it would be easier. Yeah, it sure would, but I would never have the satisfaction of being fully myself that I have now. So eventually my mother gave up and tried really hard to understand what was happening to her SON. She started researching, asking questions, discovering boundaries. And now everything is so easy with her, she calls me her son, she makes sure everybody calls me by my real name, gets mad when people misgender me or are mistreating my because of my identity. She really tries to understand it, and even though she never will, not fully at least, she's making a great fucking job as a mom, I'm really proud of her. Really proud of us. There's a problem though. Haha, it always seems to have one. I made new friends, and they were really cool and always treated me well, but since we all went to a catholic school there were somethings that didn't really felt right with them. Like some kind of prejudice that they internally had. I never interfered with it. No, actually that's a lie. I tried, but I failed, so I ignored instead. They loved me dearly, I know that, but they CLEARLY saw me as an exception. Like, they were always saying to me something like: "God, gays are always so insufferable, but you're not Kyros, you're the only one I like" or "Trans people are sooooo weird, but obviously we're not talking about you Kyros, just the others, yk?" and I didn't fucking know what to do!!! I liked them, they were good company and made me laugh like I never had, they made me feel like I finally fitted in. So I ignored this kind of things they'd say, because I had friends, because I fitted in, because I hated the thought of being alone. The thing is, this kinda had an effect on me, like a really big and problematic effect. I REALLY cared about what they said. Since I was an exception, I needed to act like one, I needed to make sure that I wasn't like "the other gays/trans" so they could still love me and want me around. So I held back a lot of aspects of my personality, I stopped defending people that they were mean to (without any apparent reason besides being gay, mentally ill, trans, etc), I never talked about the thinks I liked because they were "too gay" and I was always afraid to say or do something they wouldn't like. And I know how that sounds, I know I'm a really shitty person for that, but really, I have some abandonment issues that really fucked up any coherent thought I had. And now that I'm not friends with them anymore, now that I have new friends that actually accept me and don't think of me like and exception, I'm struggling SO MUCH with being proud of myself and not being ashamed of my identity. Really, I had been ashamed of being trans for so so so long, I don't really know how to not be anymore, how to be proud of who I really am and make peace with the fact that I will never be cis and to understand that that doesn't makes me unworthy of respect or love, that I'm actually just a boy like any other and deserve the same things as them.

At least I know I need to fix this, right? That's a good thing. A great first step. I don't know how I'm going to fix it, but I know I need to.

The wrong people can really fuck you up sometimes. God, existing is exhausting.

SO, this was my little update on almost two years of silence. I'm proud of how much I've overcome, even though I'm still struggling.

Thanks for reading, maybe I'll come back again,

Kyros

[wndaswife]

I couldn't help myself the joke just lined itself up

It was like rily hot in the summer and rily cold in the winter it was awful

I’m not really angry that often anymore but when I am I get really frustrated and then I cry 🙏🙏

But I think even still I’m more laidback too and I have a lot of patience so that definitely helps but give me kisses anyway fr

My favorite chocolate rn is this caramel one my friend got me for my birthday and I don’t know what it’s called but I can’t stop thinking ab it

Also I have no idea what a wunderbar is other than wonderful in german 🙏

-🍃

that transition must’ve been awful that’s when u get sick!!!!

me TOOOOO oh and it’s so frustrating like it’s not even fair u have to be overwhelmed and upset and then now ur crying and everyone thinks ur overdramatic… and idk if this is a coincidence but this always happens when im alone with my brother and dad and men are like insufferable sometimes and all they do is treat me like im a disease and hope it blows over and pretend im not about to burst into tears like literally so invalidating

UMMM is it with caramel inside and then a hazelnut or something??? WHEN WAS UR BEE DAY?

is that actually wut it means!!!! i wanna learn german, there’s a lot of languages i wanna know, rn i am learning russian

Моя мама уже в Америка 🙏🏼 that’s a biggie sentence for me

[ankerias]

desperately need to learn how to unlock my brains “whatever if i die i die i just need to go for it“ mode for all the time instead of only in actually dangerous situations. my brain thinks a parent seeing me exist in the kitchen is more fatal than me breaking my skull and ass and life on mirror ice

[sunghun]

jay as your skater boyfriend

requested; yes!!

warnings; uhmm some cursing and mentions of scraped hands/knees??

note; this is so long. goodbye.

when you first met...

skater bf jay........

mm what a Thought

now as previously mentioned

when you two first met

he was kinda cold and came off as a little dismissive

not to mention the fact that he looked really good intimidating as hell

so you were like damn :/ the hot dude with the skateboard doesn’t like me ://

BUTTT

he was actually just low-key nervous and kinda shy

bc he thought you were really pretty :(

so he didn’t talk much to keep from saying smth embarrassing

but finds out as soon as you leave how badly that backfired on him when jake (ur mutual friend who introduced you to each other) was just like

“bro what the hell was that”

“what? what’s wrong??”

“i should be asking YOU that. do you not like y/n :(“

and he’s just like wydm!! y/n is so cute! and pretty!! and nice!!! and i think i’m in love!!!!

and thus begins the journey of jay’s insufferable pining

when he finally confessed....

omg but the next time you guys met he was like. overly friendly with you

bc he wanted to make up for the last time

but really all it did was confuse you

like is he just being nice bc jake told him to??

or does he just feel guilty??

?????

you are confusion

omg but he tried SO hard to look cool in front of you by doing Cool Skateboard Tricks idk what else to call them u guys

but half the time you weren’t even paying attention and when you WERE he’d mess up and just embarrass himself

no but a few months later when he was trying some new move he fell and scraped his hands and knees :(

and you got So worried :((

you insisted that he let you help him

which i mean. he’s obviously not gonna say no to lol

so you guys were just sitting on a bench in front of the convenience store where you got some stuff to clean him up with

the sun is starting to set

and just the way that it’s shining against the side of your face and through your hair

they way that you’re so concentrated on applying the band-aid to his hand just right

that you were so concerned for him

he just can’t hold it in anymore

“i really like you, y/n.”

......

you just fucking froze lmao

“but…i thought you hated me?”

and he's just like o_o "Huh??"

"yeah i mean the first time we met you were kind of...idk intimidating, and you didn't really talk, but then you started being nicer and i just thought that you were doing it for jake :("

and that just makes him so 🥺🥺🥺

he took your hand in his so gently while looking into your eyes

"y/n, i promise you nothing about the way i treat you has anything to do with jake. if i had known that was the way you felt i would've confessed a lot sooner. the only reason i didn't say much when we first met was because i didn't wanna look stupid, but obviously that didn't work because i made the person i like the most think i hated them. i guess i don't need any help looking stupid, i'll do it all on my own."

and you can't help but laugh

and jay just looks at you with LITERAL heart eyes omg

you can't stop yourself from leaning forward and giving him a kiss on the cheek

"if it makes you feel any better, i really like you too."

and thus begins your relationship :D

when you started dating...

pls you two are cute AF

definitely a fan of pda but like in a chill way

like any time you're together jay's hand is practically glued to yours

also likes having his arm wrapped around your shoulders or waist

loves to kiss you in front of the guys just to make them jealous 😜 like lol. single losers

skateboarding dates :(

like after he teaches you how to ride y’all will just skate around together while holding hands :((

luuuuuvs to take you out on late night dates

like going to the playground at midnight and just sitting on the swings and talking about everything and nothing 🥺😭

also veryvery protective of u!!

definitely the type of guy to walk closer to the road when you’re near the street

and really he just likes taking care of you in general

like you don’t even have to ask him for a jacket.

you two will meet up and he’ll notice that it’s a little chilly and you don’t have a sweater or anything

so he just takes off his hoodie and gives it to you

“but babe what about you?”

and he’ll just shrug with a cocky little smirk and be like “guess we’ll just have snuggle close. you know, for body heat.”

would defs tie your shoes for you 🥺🥺

and if you’re ever like “i can do stuff by myself you know 😠 i’m not a baby 😠😠”

he’ll just give you a lil kiss and say “you’re not A baby but you’re MY baby” 🥺🥰

he’d also get you lots of little gifts and things bc they remind him of you

your favorite is the teddy bear he got you when you were sick :(

wait but he would be SUCH a good kisser like 👀👀

everyone complains about you two making out all the time even tho you don’t do it that often

but like hello have you seen him??? you go bestie get that fine ass man

anyways i’ll stop here for that part otherwise things may take a more ✨mature✨ turn and i’m not quite legal yet lol

come see me again in about 3 months and we can talk about that

wait but he would call you So many pet namesssss

whether it’s just a cute version of your actual name or something like angel, sweetheart, sugar, etc.

his favorite is baby tho 🥺 bc as stated earlier he just likes to take care of you 🥺🥺

pls he loves u so much 🤧 sobbing actual tears rn

alright i’m gonna stop here otherwise i may go on all day lmao

basically skater bf!jay is an absolute dream and i low-key made myself sad writing this

[newtonsheffield]

Hello again!!!! I'm the Spanish girl back in here!

Firstly, I'd like to send you my best wishes for this tough week of work, and I bet we're going to miss you around here this week. But duty calls! And, look, how many people can say they've got a whole week for relaxing after a week of work? 😌 (Perhaps I've misunderstood the whole thing; I've read your posts quite quick and I've understood sth different to what you wanted to say lol)

Well, what can I say with one of the last prompts you have gifted to us...? Kate, Anthony (and his Spanish!!!!!!) and Spain; you got me there. 😂 I even cried the famous "Ole!" when I read all of it (curious note: not all Spaniards use the expression "ole" in daily contexts; it is more like a regional expression that became worldwide famous bc of several reasons that are too long to post here, lol) and I think it's needless to say I loved it... isn't it?

And, I LOVED a lot Edwina's POV and story (well, I've loved everything you have posted and gifted to us, but Eddie has a special place in my heart)! I don't know, but sometimes I get the impression that, in romantic literature, relationships between sisters are not addressed at all and kinda force them to be friends (if they're not rivals... which I find stupid, tbh), not really deepening in the bond between them. Like, they're sisters and they behave more like "my next door neighbour and friend to whom sometimes I'm distant bc life happens" instead of "this person and I share much more than many people can imagine that's beyond friendship and she's more important than anybody else" -idk if this makes sense anymore... I rewrote it a couple of times bc I got the impression I can't express my idea very well 😂-. And that's something I think both of you, JQ and yourself, have achieved and gifted to all of us! We see Edwina and Kate as sisters: they fight, they tease the other, they can't stand each other sometimes, but always, ALWAYS, they care for and love the other just as sisters do. Because of this, I think TVWLM is one of my favourite books in this genre: they give us a two fantastic love stories, not only between a -heterosexual- couple but also between sisters; which is as important as any other kind of relationship.

After my TED Talk (sorry if it's been too much... 😅), I cannot help but imagine an escapade between Anthony and Kate (sans children) and Matthew and Edwina (oh, Matthew... I love you) to Spain just for Anthony, in his stupid one-side battle against Matthew (I love this, tbh; it's sooooo fun 😂), demonstrate Matthew he can speak fluently another language... Just for Matthew be oblivious to this and enjoy a little escapade to Spain with his girlfriend and her family. 😂

Anyways; I hope you're alright and, again, I wish you all the best for this week.

Besos!!! 🥰 (Spanish equivalent for the "Love!" farewell expression; it means "kisses")

Hola! You’re back again! And I’m so glad! 

I do have a week off once I finish work tomorrow (Saturday)!! Very Exciting! I have a scarf to knit, and lots of writing to do so that’s very exciting. 

Oh Anthony on a Spanish beach in tiny little flamingo shorts? Ole! indeed! That is a curious note, I literally love learning things about other cultures and languages so if anyone wants to share a curious note about their culture, hit me up! I will in turn tell you about the curious culture of The Land Down under, and our propensity to butcher the English language!

I agree, Sister relationships are a very curious thing in media. I’m not a huge fan of very contentious relationships between sisters, I’m not saying they don’t exist in real life, they definitely do, I just think having them as constant rivals is exhausting. And Yes! I Love the relationship between Edwina and Kate very much because I see it as a mirror of my relationship with my own sister. My sister drives me more insane than any other person on this planet. We fight, we bicker, I get absolutely enraged when she steals the last property I need for a set in Monopoly, and yet, She is my favourite person. She can say whatever she wants about me, but were anyone else to? It’s fight on sight. I’ll be honest, that all I’m doing is basing their relationship in these fics  on my own with my sister. Nothing special! 

Okay! Here we go! Anthony and Kate + Goose and Edwina +Spain

Kate Bridgerton was many, many things, but she liked to think an idiot, was not one of them. And so, when Anthony had said, in a tone she was sure he thought was casual. “I think we deserve a holiday, you’ve been working very hard to grow the little broad bean after all and your sister and her little gander should celebrate their engagement.” She had known exactly what he was up to. And she wasn’t really sure why she played along along with it. Perhaps something in her thrived on the chaos she knew Anthony would would create, perhaps part of her just really wanted a decent paella. Surely it didn’t matter, the result was the same: Kate fixed an innocent expression on her face and said  “Where did you have in mind?” 

 And so, surprise, surprise, here she was: back on a beach in Spain. She had to admit, eyeing Anthony appreciatively as he paddled demonstratively in the shallow water, his plan had its merits. though thus far his attempts had been... unsuccessful at best. Matthew Bagwell seemed absolutely thrilled to be in Spain, on holiday with his fiancée, giving them helpful facts he knew about the architecture as they walked through the city, a wide smile on his face, Anthony practically purple when he corrected a fact Anthony himself had said.   “Do you speak Spanish, Goose?” Anthony had said dryly in the hotel lobby shortly after they’d arrived. And Kate had rolled her eyes at Anthony, though Matthew was not paying attention. He had his arms wrapped tightly around Edwina’s waist, whispering something in her ear that made her nose crinkle in delight, the sapphire of her engagement ring glinting in the sunlight. And the beautiful picture they made gave Kate’s heart a little stutter. Anthony tutted. “Matt!” He said sharply, getting the man’s attention, Matthew’s glasses slipping down his nose as his head shot upwards in surprise.  “Do you speak Spanish?” Edwina was rolling her eyes now. And Matthew, for his part was completely unbothered  “oh, no. Sorry Mate, might have to lean on your pretty heavily this week.” He said, and Kate caught the smug smile on Anthony’s face and bit back a groan Damnit Matthew.  “I’m pretty fluent in French, German and Mandarin though!” Matthew said smiling happily, turning back towards Edwina, completely oblivious to the scowl Anthony tossing his way. “Of course you fucking are.” He muttered, fixing Kate with an irritated glare as a laugh escaped her!   

The water surely must be a little cool in early October but Anthony showed no signs of it, Beckoning Kate into the water. She groaned and made her way towards him, laughing happily as he tugged her in, his hand resting on her stomach, still no sign of her pregnancy. “Is he watching?” Anthony whispered in her ear as he wrapped his arms around her waist, spinning her through the water So she had a brief image of her sister smiling brightly at her fiancée who appeared to be... bless him building a sandcastle. 

“No. He’s not.” Kate said batting her husband’s hands away irritatedly as he scowled.  “Are you really trying to look more in love than they are?” Kate scoffed, disbelief at her husband’s idiocy rising with in her. Anthony looked indignant. “No! A man can’t take an interest in his wife now? Very poor show Mrs. Bridgerton.” He said, but his eyes, darted towards the shore at the last second.  “Oh I cannot believe you! You’re absolutely manic!” She replied as Anthony attempted to pull her back towards him, Kate putting up very little fight as she tumbled against. him, his voice hot in her ear. “Insufferable I hear.” Kate scoffed. “Ugh! If Anyone’s insufferable it’s him!” 

Kate turned to follow Anthony’s gaze to find Matthew waving at them, grinning broadly, completely unbothered. And Kate couldn’t keep from laughing as Anthony went on another muttered tirade.

Besos! 

[eighth--wonder]

okay here it is!! i speedran this.

disclaimer: this is strictly about c!tommy. any mention of tommy or any other character is in reference to their character!

also most of this includes personal headcanons!!

portrait of a woman on a couch with cats - idk man. the song, to me, is about facing things. confronting them. looking back on who you were and being able to say 'that was shitty.' tommy has done some shitty things, let's be real. but he's grown from them. he's accepted that he did them and that people were affected by them.

mellohi and cat - pretty self explanatory, those are his discs.

hayloft - tommy grew up with a lot of powerful people who were capable of a lot of things. wilbur, techno, phil.

'my daddy's got a gun' the people, specifically wilbur in my mind, he grew up with are powerful. wilbur making the nation then blowing it up, techno just being techno (no shade). in short, the people who help raised him are powerful.

rat - again. growing up surrounded by powerful, and in some cases harmful, people. being around and with wilbur and thinking he was doing the right thing only to realize later it was bad.

'i loved you it's true. and sometimes i feel like i still fucking do' tommy's conflicted feelings about wilbur.

bust your kneecaps - again! being around wilbur and doing violent things thinking they were right. the narrative in the song sounds like we should agree with the singer. wilbur trying to make tommy think that what he was doing was right.

icarus - tommy is young. he's been through a lot.

'out on the front doorstep, drinking from a paper cup. you won't remember this' life was hard for tommy during the war. sure, the adrenaline rush of fighting is great, but at times it would get to him. he convinced himself he wouldn't remember the bad parts of the war. of wilbur. of fighting. that he'd only remember the good. the adrenaline. the sense of belonging.

in our bedroom after the war - oh boy.

this is supposed to be the new start after the lmanberg war.

'say good morning to that sleepy person lying next to you. and if there's no one there, then there's no one there. but at least the war is over' tommy walking up after the final war and realizing wilbur is gone.

i could go on about this song, it's literally one of my favorites on his playlist.

i'm just a kid - relatively self explanatory. tommy's just a kid. he's like, what, 17? 16? give him a break.

becky - tommy being jealous of ranboo and tubbo's relationship. he was trapped in prison for, what did he say, like a month apparently?? and the first thing he learns when he comes out is his best, and quite frankly his only friend is married. he feels like he's been replaced and he's bitter about it.

nails like god - tommy's tough.

'i'm afraid to die. i'm afraid to live. i'm afraid to fly. i am just a kid' he knows he's been through shit. he's aware of it. but it's definitely changed him. he's scared of things. he's afraid to live and fly because what if he gets hurt? he knows what on the other side and it terrifies him.

my trains - metaphor for his discs. he holds them very close to him and saw them as an escape

'i laid track on his ass with a styrofoam bat, but the president never did let me back after that' tubbo exiling him. it also has a lot of profanity in it and tommy swears a lot so it seemed fitting.

smoke breaks - smoker!tommy au. that's it. (i can further elaborate if you want. just shoot me an ask)

i'm just your problem - tommy and tubbo. tubbo exiles tommy for his brash and insufferable (affectionate) personality. tommy at first acts pissed at tubbo for exiling him, but then starts to miss him.

320x200 - there's no words, it just has tommy vibes.

brother - tommy and wil. or tommy and techno. the song is about depending on your brother. 'so does anyone have the time to pick me up' tommy just needs help from his siblings every now and then. it's more of a call into the void as wilbur is dead and techno doesn't care about him that much anymore but he can't help but depend on them.

class of 2013 - i saw it in a captain puffy and tommy animatic and never looked back. fr tho, again, tommy is asking for help. he needs help. it might not be forever, but he definitely needs some.

[camphorror]

the only friend who i coul talk about this stuff isnt really interested in talking about me anymore so im just going to type all this overhsaring cap while trying to calm down from crying for 30 minuets an throwing up from the crying

i have an :::aunt”” who hates me because she is literally a raicst who stopped talking to my mother when she decided to marry someone who isnt from the same ethnicity as her and then of course she hates me for being a tainted person for his horrible offense!! i never really knew her she neve rinvited us to birthdays or anything she did at her house with her evil daughters and we did invite them for birthdays because i just very much remember not understanding why she is so distant (compared to my “”normal”” aunt) and just always wanted her to like me up until i grew up old enough to understand why it was that they ere all like this

now fucking 7 YEARS ago  was at my grandmas and i was looking at old photos and back then i was very much into ww2 and like 30s-40s time period in europe and all and i was fascinated by all the old photos she had and she allowed me to take a lot of old photos some she wanted me to bring back so i just scanned them and brought them back and some she just let me have i swear to god she let me have them some were of people she didnt know she didnt let me have any of her old photos besides the ones that had 2 copies but she pm let me have all of my grandfather’s (who i have never met) photos from the 30s-40s and these photos were my favourite ting in the world i usedto go over them once every month since fucking 2014 to see if they ware ok i recently planned to try and get an album for them bc i dont think it’s kept well in a box if you ask every close friends i have how many times i told them want to see something cool and showed them these photos i love these photos with all of my heart and they fascinate me i even wanted to san all of them and try to find maybe some site or subreddit that can help me translate some of the writings on the back of some of them as idk what language it even is and it’s all in cursive. not once in the past 7 fucking years (ok actually once but it wasnt here it as my evil aunt) did my grandma ever ask me for these photos because she kne wi have them and i keep them and i cherise them 

then suddenly last week when my supposedly normal aunt wwas here because my scumbag aunt visited my grandma when she had fucking pneumonia and my grandma got sick and she’s generally been like weird mentally lately like she’s not 100% in the moment. anyway they were both at her house when she was sick and suddenly suddenly my supposedly normal aunt claims that my grandma wants all the photos back. but does she say it herself? no. my aunt tells it to my mother.i got pissed pff and offended that she didnt call me. i am not a child. after some insufferable back and forth my grandma says she just wants the photos she’s in. ok. whatever. my aunt says she’ll go get copies of them and bring me back i dont care. then suddrnly when i went there to give it to them my aunt asks me if i have more photos and i like yes sure i have [everything i mentioned above] she flis out like i didnt know youhave them give them to me i didn’t know it i will copy of all of them!! like ok first of all not my fault you didnt know you live in almost the other side of the country sincr 2010 youre not suopposed to know that i took photos 7 years ago. notlike i have to share every detail. second of all i liteally did tell her something about this once. ok i tell her i will give her all the photos before she goes home she has a friend who works at a photogrhy store who can copy them for cheap.

so now i know the reason this is happening is bascially my “normal” aunt and ym evil aunt literally manipulate my grandma into caring about these stuff because i know the thing here. THE CRIME here is that my evil aunt does not have these photos. i know she wants them, the reason i took them 7 years ago is that i knew there was no way on earth my mother would have these at any point and i just decided i want them (and my grandmother ALLOWED ME). but whatever. copy the photos have it your way i dont care

now my aunt came to take them todaynd i told her when she called “you  are giving me back the original photos i got them 7 years ago it’s not fair to take them” she says ok. i meet her downstairs and i chat to her and i tell her again “really you give me back the original photos ok” and suddenly when she physically has them iin her hand she says no!!! i will give you back the copies!! i say no youre lying i wouldnt have given shit if i knew you’d do this. she starts making excuses about how they need to have the originals because what f they’d want to give it to a fucking holocaust msueusm. i tell ehr why on earth give a meuseum original photos give them the copies. she says no and i was tired and irritated and i just told her whatever she got what she wants by lying so i dont care anymore. and i left her in the street and went home. i lost it on the way it happened an hour ago and im still crying. i cant believe this shit happened. these photos were mayb one of the most important things in my life. i just cried annd cried and lost it and lost my cool and started screaming and hitting everything. i tried calling her telling her it’s not fair she lied to me why is she doing this. i got sick of playing stupid and i said i know they only did this because they want my other aunt to have the photos. she then accused me (and my mother) of being the liars who took the photos and never said i had them (what the fuck?) and then lying saying we don’t have more (literally not true) and then she called me A CRAZY INSANE PERSON for crying and freaking out and telling her i know why all this shit is happening. and she said she doesnt want to talk to me becaus ei’m crazy and she hung up. i literally fell down crying and threw up and hit myself for being so stupid. i now understand why she wanted ALL the photos. including those of random who no one knows. because they just want them to have it.

i know my grandma doesnt love me as much as she loves them. my grandma also stopped talking to my mother once she got married but then she “got around it” but my evil aunt is he rfavourite daughter and her kids are her favourite grandkids and my “nrmal” aunt and them always meet toether and do family stuff together and never with us and they never see anything wrong with it.they even accuse me of “contributing to this stupid fight” even tho it’s insane to even say this like this thing started 2 years before i was born because of RACISTS and i was treated like shit as a child by these ppl but i’m still seen on par with their behaviour!!! so they dont care. i actually wholly believe my grandma want my shitty aunt to have those photos actually. i fele so stupid. this was my favourite possession in the world and i was stupid enough to let it go. i still cant stop crying until now i actually hate everything. im sick of all those insane people in every side of my favmily there are insane people on my father’s side i have sociopathic theives who dont even care their brother fucking died from brain cancer and most of which i dont even fucking know and on my mother’s side there are just a bunch fo self obsessed freaks who hate me for the crime of being born

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #346

“i was in a car crash (or was it the war?)  /  but i’ve never been quite the same”

Do you take lessons for anything? No. Has something really heavy ever fallen on you? Not to my recollection. If you wear makeup, what colors do you usually wear? I don't wear makeup frequently whatsoever, but if I do put some on, it's always black. Does your shower have curtains or a glass door/wall? Curtains. If you have more than one pet, do they ever get jealous of each other? Well, one is a snake and one is a cat, so no, they don't. Is there a room in your house that you don’t like going in? No. Do you remember the last question you were asked? What did you answer? Well, besides in this survey, Mom asked me if I wanted some shrimp she didn't finish. A true stunner, but I didn't want anymore. Besides salt and butter, do you put anything on your popcorn? Nothing other than what was mentioned. Are you lonely? To be totally transparent, I'm extremely lonely on multiple levels. What’s your favorite magazine to read? Don't have one. Do you like pineapple? Yeah. But keep it off my pizza. Have you ever seen fireflies? Yeah, they're common in the summer here. Have you ever trespassed? Not to my knowledge. My sister, neighbor, and I regularly visited this shack as kids, just exploring and checking stuff out, and someone eventually did approach us and tell us to leave, but idk if anyone ACTUALLY owned the property? We never saw any signs. Do you tell your parents where you are going? Yeah; if I live with them, they have the right to know. Do you agree with the notion that all people were created equal? Yeah. Do you raise your hand or participate in class? I did. Do you like visiting the mall? Why or why not? Not really, no. Too many people, too many stores I don't care about, too much walking. Have you ever purposely hurt an animal? I've given pets a pop when they've done something wrong, but seriously hurt, fuck no. Would you ever see a therapist? I've seen a therapist consistently since the 6th grade. Are you afraid of heights? Yes. I used to not be, but it's a fear I've developed over time for no apparent reason. Are you afraid of the dark? No. Are you a jealous person? I was literally just thinking about this yesterday how much I hate how I've developed a jealous and envious side. It's not a feeling I used to experience like at all, so it's very uncomfortable to feel. When is your birthday? February 5th. What are you listening to right now? A John Wolfe playthrough of The Sinking City. It's really interesting and is making me wanna read Lovecraft books, haha. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren’t supposed to be doing? Probably at some point. Are you still friends with someone from kindergarten? No. What is the most important thing to you? My mental health. Do you like whip cream? NO. The taste is fine, but I can't handle the texture of it. Are you close to your mother? Very. Are you close to your father? Yeah, but not as close as I am with my mother. Do you walk around bare foot when you're at home? Or do you wear socks? Yeah, I stay barefoot. Do you like chocolate popsicles? Yessss, I love them. Would you ever be your school’s mascot who wears that costume? Ew, no. Would you rather see the Great Wall of China or Big Ben? Probably the Great Wall. Have you ever written a poem? I've written loads. Would you ever be a tornado chaser? FUCK no. Never, ever, EVER. what is your favorite thing to eat with bbq sauce, if you even like that stuff? I hate barbecue sauce. Your parents tell you that this summer, you get to pick the vacation. Where do you plan to go? As a family? Maybe Alaska. What do you think is a good theme for a prom? Um, maybe princesses and princes? It sounds cute, leave me alone. Have you ever had to do a class in summer school? No. Do you get nervous when you go to the doctor? About what? Not very, but somewhat. I'm always terrified to get on the scale and am also afraid I'll find out I have diabetes with how heavily it runs in my family, and I'm not exactly healthy. Have you ever been to the rainforest? No. As cool as it would be, I would neeeever manage. The humidity would murder me. Have you ever created a website? Yeah, a few. Ever thought about writing a book? Yeah. Have you ever had a dream where you killed someone? I don't think so, but I have nightmares ALL the time where I'm fighting to defend myself. Do you ever make up stories in your head and wish they come true? Daydreams? Oh, yes. Which is worse: stuffy nose or runny nose? STUFFY. Having a runny nose surely isn't fun either, but at least you can have tissues handy. Which is worse: Sick to your stomach or sore throat? 100% sick to your stomach. I do nooot respond well to stomach pain. Do you think your last relationship was a disaster? Not at all. Have you ever solved a Rubik’s Cube? No. Who do you think is the easiest to talk to? Sara or Mom. Would you consider yourself to be emo? I don't care for stereotypes, I'm whatever. Do you have a favourite metal band or do you not like metal? I love metal, and my favorite artist is of course Ozzy Osbourne. What is your current desktop picture? My favorite picture of my late dog Teddy. Thick or thin blanket? I like thick ones. Cozier. Who are your favorite bands? Everyone knows my #1 is Ozzy, so I'll list some of my others that just fall behind him (in no order): Metallica, Otep, Marilyn Manson, Korn, In This Moment, Powerwolf, Motionless In White, Rammstein, A Day to Remember, Cradle of Filth, Mother Mother... There's a lot, really. How do you mark through your word search puzzles? It depends on what I have at my disposal, really. I think typically I would just circle the words with a pencil, but I'd prefer to use a highlighter. Have you ever sewn something? No. What did you eat for dinner last night? Mom made shrimp scampi with a side of white rice. It was delicious. Ever been grounded? If so, for what? Yeah, on multiple occasions. I think the longest was when I ran away from home. Have you seen all of the Jaws movies? No; I've only seen the first one with Tyler. I did, however, have the video game as a kid, and I LOVED it. I could never beat the final stage, though. :( When was the last time you played cards? (not on the computer) Months ago with my niece. She was hooked on playing Uno with me because I always let her win. Have you ever drank cherry Coke? Omg yes, I LOVE it. Have you ever had a black eye? No. Have you ever eaten a bug? No. Do you like pranking people? No. Did you ever take a cooking class in school? No. Do you celebrate St. Patrick’s Day? No. Do you use Skype? Only to talk to Sara. Have you ever participated in local magazine cover girl searches? Definitely not. Have you ever been called a skank/slut because of the way you dress? No. Is your ex sexually attractive to you still? Two are. Describe the most romantic moment you’ve ever had. I'd rather not because it'll really set off my PTSD. Have you ever cheated on a test? Nope. Have you ever been to couple’s counseling? No. How often does your employer ask you to work overtime? N/A Did you often read for fun when you were a kid? I read A LOOOOOT as a kid. I was a total bookworm. When was the last time you were scared? Excluding in nightmares that I don't remember, uhhh probably back when my PHP therapist surprised me by whipping out a poem I'd written and sharing it in front of the whole group. It wasn't the "bad" kind of scared, but I sure did feel fear. What’s your favorite song by Rihanna? "Disturbia" has always been #1. There's this '80s synthwave remix of the song that I adorrrreeee. Can you speak binary? Nope. Would you rather live somewhere that had hurricanes or tornadoes? I've dealt with hurricanes all my life and they don't terrify me NEARLY as much as the mere idea of a tornado, so. Have you ever had a pet that you disliked? None that were mine personally, but coincidentally, I didn't like two dogs my little sister had. The first one was just mildly annoying, and as much as I hate admitting it, I literally hated her last dog. When was the last time you saw hail? Maybe like... a month ago or something like that? Time is kinda blurry for me on this. We had an absolute downpour of hail one morning, then just... nothing. What is on your mind right this second: I have this at-home sleep study tonight and I'm pretty much obsessing over "what if I don't have a nightmare?" when, for ONCE, I want/need myself to. To be real, I don't know exactly what will change in my life if I do have a sleep apnea diagnosis or something that we're not already doing, but. Mom more than anyone just wants professionals to see that something is seriously wrong and needs fixing. Have you ever given a nickname to your pet(s)? Both have them, yeah. I think I call Venus "Miss Venus" more than her real name, then she's also "baby girl," "pretty," "beautiful girl," etc. I call Roman just "butt" a lot, haha, then there's "son," "Mama's boy," "bud"... When was the last time you shaved your legs? Not since last October. Nobody sees my legs, so I just don't care. Do you ever try free samples at the store? Sure, if I'm actually interested in the food. Do you like boys with long hair? That's actually my preference. Do you like rootbeer? It's not insufferable, but I'm not really a fan. What is the best fast food place, in your opinion? Sonic. Do you have faith in yourself? What a question to end it on, 'cuz I don't have a fuckin' clue these days.

[panharmonium]

a face like a wounded bear (i’ve just got a few things on my mind, that’s all)

back on my merlin rewatch rambles this week.  i’m finishing up S1 now and just putting down some notes here for myself about 1.11 - specifically, how it ties back to/is informed by 1.10, because this is something that’s been on my mind for a long time.

these got a bit long so feel free to scroll past if this isn’t your cup of tea!

standard disclaimer for people who don’t know me and might stumble across this: i got into this show late and i have not finished season 5.  i am GOING to finish season 5, hence this rewatch.  so far i have remained unspoiled for the end of this show; i super appreciate everybody helping me stay that way.  you have my permission to laugh at me for being ten years late to this show in the first place and also for taking a geological age to finish the last four episodes.  i understand and fully support you in this; in my defense, i have been using the break to write fic, so i hope all can be forgiven in the end X)

with that out of the way, some thoughts!

i. a wounded bear

i really appreciate how much angrier merlin suddenly is at everything once we hit ‘the labyrinth of gedref.’

he’s still trying to help solve arthur’s problems, and he’s still rooting for arthur to succeed, but he’s also snappy and irritable and getting lost staring out windows, and his patience level with arthur in particular is set to absolute zero.  it’s not a catastrophic change - it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t like arthur anymore or that he doesn’t still respect arthur for what arthur...could be, and for what he is, at moments; merlin obviously still deeply admires him for caring so much about the people of camelot and he obviously still believes that arthur is noble at heart and worth supporting.  but he’s simultaneously sick and tired of arthur’s particular brand of princely BS, and in this episode it’s starting to show.

before this episode, merlin used to tolerate arthur’s dumbassery with a kind of...willingness to be amused as opposed to annoyed.  arthur would go into his “insult merlin” routine or say something only a rich idiot would say and merlin would just laugh it off, or quip it away, or roll his eyes and get on with his day.  he was kind of…gently entertained by the people he had to serve.  he was having a little adventure right then, you know?  and the nobles, arthur included, were colorful characters in this story he’d walked into.  if they were occasionally insufferable, well, at least they were good for a laugh.

for example, that episode where arthur keeps asking merlin to cover for him so he can go have his little dates with sophia?  merlin winds up in the stocks for it three times in a row, but the first time, he just shrugs it off with his typical cheery equanimity and wryly says, “i forgot how much fun this was!”  and then when arthur asks him to cover for him a second time, merlin is just psyched that arthur is having such a good time with sophia, and he immediately agrees to do it, saying, “don’t worry, i’ll find a way to get you out of it!”  and then he’s back in the stocks, but when he comes out of them, gaius is more annoyed at arthur than merlin is.  and then after arthur runs off to “elope” with sophia, and merlin ends up in the stocks a THIRD time, it’s just the funny zinger at the end of the episode.  he’s not upset about it.  it’s just like, “meh!  here i am again!  classic merlin misadventure, what can you do? :)”

there is no chance that would fly in the back quarter of S1.  none.  zero.

merlin is completely fed up in 1.11.  starting with the hunting party’s slaughter of the unicorn, and then branching out to other, smaller things - every dismissive thing arthur says to him, every time arthur ignores or denies the reality of their situation and tries to pin responsibility for camelot’s misfortune on sorcery rather than his own actions, every time arthur makes stupid comments like ‘merlin you’re less intelligent than a rat’ - in this episode, merlin doesn’t roll with those things.  he snaps back, or raises his voice; he refuses to be talked over, he bites back “i’m THIRSTY” when arthur tells him to stop smacking his lips in the granary.  

in another episode, that stuff might have been delivered in a jokey way - and it will be again, some day in the future, when they’re both back to having fun with it - but merlin’s not having fun with it in 1.11.  he’s giving arthur challenging stares and resentful glares instead of friendly, this-is-just-how-we-tease-each-other looks.  his tone isn’t amused or fondly exasperated, it’s frustrated or irritated or, sometimes, straight-up angry.  

there’s a point in one of their arguments where merlin says he believes what anhora is saying, and arthur’s cold response is, “then you’re a fool.  you cannot trust a single word a sorcerer says.  you’d do well to remember that.”  

and merlin gives him the most baleful glare. like he wants to just...strangle him with his eyes.  like he has so many cutting things just sitting on the tip of his tongue and can’t decide which one he wishes he could say first.

ii. a few things on my mind

this, i think, is where it’s worth remembering that this episode takes place in a larger context than ‘arthur did a dumbass thing at the beginning of the episode and merlin’s upset about it.’  

because merlin definitely is upset about the unicorn, but merlin’s also just upset, full stop, about things that have nothing to do with the unicorn or camelot’s curse or camelot to begin with, and it’s bleeding over into other areas of his life.

to clarify: i don’t think we can really understand merlin’s subtle attitude shift in 1.11 without understanding that 1.11 takes place immediately after 1.10.  

1.11 is one of two S1 episodes whose positions in the timeline we can actually pinpoint relative to their neighbors (the first being 1.02, which is directly stated to take place on merlin’s “first day as arthur’s servant,” aka the day after 1.01).  1.11 likewise can be mapped accurately onto the timeline, because kanen comes thundering into ealdor bellowing “it’s harvest time!” in 1.10, and then in 1.11 camelot is bringing in their harvest, too (literally, gaius yells at the end, “they’re bringing in the harvest!”). 

there’s really not any wiggle room there.  the harvest season is only so many weeks long to begin with, and we know ealdor was pretty far along with their work in 1.10 - we see the evidence of their labor, and if the grain hadn’t already been harvested, kanen’s group wouldn’t have had anything to steal.  ealdor is smaller, so it makes sense for them to finish faster than camelot, but it looks like camelot is just getting started in 1.11, given the state of their grain reserves and the fact that so much grain appears to be unharvested when the blight hits.  and, that being the case, honestly, camelot had to have started like, immediately after 1.10 finished, or even while that arc was still going on.  it’s already pushing the boundaries of disbelief that they wouldn’t have started by the time ealdor has gotten so much done.  there’s no plausible way they could have waited any longer.  harvest season is the same for everyone; it’s not some kind of rotating schedule.  people only have about a month to get it done in the first place.  

so these two episodes occur, at the absolute most, a couple weeks apart from one another, and that’s only by the most generous of estimates; it’s more likely that they’re closer together than that, given the information above.  but honestly, it doesn’t matter whether it’s two weeks or two days - either way, merlin in 1.11 has something going on in his head that’s extremely recent and taking up kind of a lot of his energy.  

i don’t know that this angle gets looked at often, because the understandable tendency is to mostly focus on merlin in relation to arthur, and this becomes especially true in episodes that contain arthur+merlin umm...idk, focus scenes like the one near the end of 1.11.  but this is the angle that’s always on my mind when i watch the end of S1, because if there is one hill i’ve staked out for the digging of my future grave, it’s the following:

merlin’s life does not revolve around arthur pendragon.

this probably qualifies as an unpopular fandom opinion, but it’s something i absolutely refuse to budge on.  

and of course it’s just my own read, obviously; you may have more fun coming at this episode from a different direction, and that’s totally cool!  but for me, my understanding when i’m watching this season - merlin’s life does not revolve around arthur pendragon.  especially not yet, especially not now, when merlin has only known arthur for a few months and he’s just coming back from being with people who have known him (and i mean known him, known everything, known him for real) for something like twenty years.

merlin’s life does NOT revolve around arthur pendragon.  his relationship with arthur, at this point, is not the most important relationship in his life.  arthur is not the best friend he’s ever had.  arthur is barely merlin’s friend at all, right now.  arthur likes him all right, yes, and merlin likes him back, most of the time, but arthur doesn’t even know him, really. 

arthur doesn’t know.

and i love arthur and merlin, like - i’m as down for the mythic, destiny-laden, we-find-each-other-in-every-universe dimension of their dynamic as anybody, and when those two finally have an equal, healthy friendship going on, i’m going to be cheering for them.  but it doesn’t change the fact that merlin had a life before he came to camelot, or the fact that by 1.11 he’s only been in camelot for a few months and doesn’t really know arthur all that well yet.  

you can pick whatever example you want to illustrate this point; there are enough of them to choose from, but one of the clearest is in 1.11, when arthur passes his final test and drinks anhora’s fake poison.  merlin thinks arthur is dead, at that point - he’s pretty well convinced that the poison was real and that arthur has just keeled over dead on the beach - but his reaction to arthur’s ‘death’ is....i don’t want to minimize it, exactly, because merlin's obviously upset about it, but at the same time the level of distress he displays is visibly, objectively different from what we see from him in other contexts.  it looks nothing like his naked grief when will is slipping away from him in 1.10, or his desperation when his mother shows up deathly ill on his doorstep in 1.13.  he doesn’t look at potentiallydead!arthur the same way, or talk to him the same way, or touch him the same way - of course he hustles right over and shakes him to see if he can wake him up, but it is just...you can watch these scenes next to each other and they are just not the same.  it is not the same gentle way he leans over his mother, the way he takes her hand, strokes her forehead, folds gaius’ rabbit’s foot into her fingers.  it is not the same way he cradles will in 1.10, when his fingers are in will’s hair and his hand is just - reflexively rubbing will’s head in a way that is just so...intimate and automatic and brokenly tender like -

of course it’s different with them!  he loves them!  watching them suffer is torture for him, and the idea of losing either of them is devastating to him on a scale i can’t possibly understand.  he’s only ever had two people in his life.  one parent.  one friend.  they were his whole world.

so, yeah, merlin is stressed about arthur’s apparent death.  he’s upset.  he likes arthur, he believes in arthur, he’s appalled that this is happening.  but it’s not a personal grief.  there aren’t any deathbed confessions.  there aren’t any gentle touches.  there aren’t any tears.  his protest to anhora isn’t ‘i love this person and i don’t want them to leave me;’ it’s ‘i was meant to protect him!’  it’s about him failing at his “destiny;” it’s about the fact that someone told him he was born like this for a reason and now he’s failed at the job that gave him a sense of purpose, at the thing that made him feel like having magic was worth all this terrible trouble.  

contrast this to when his mother shows up dying in 1.13, and gaius tries to prevent merlin from saving her by bringing up the importance of merlin’s “destiny.”  on that occasion, merlin’s immediate incredulous retort is, “my destiny?  this is my mother.”  

arthur’s death and merlin’s distress over it all come back to merlin’s unfulfilled destiny, in 1.11.  but merlin couldn’t care less about his destiny when it’s his mother’s life on the line.  my destiny means nothing if i cannot save her.

merlin’s life does not revolve around arthur pendragon.  not here, not now.

[that said - it’s different, of course, later in the series.  merlin’s reaction to arthur’s supposed death in 5.07 isn’t just “oh no i failed!”, it’s also a personal, particular anguish.  they matter to each other, by then.  (though even then i think there’s a lot to be said about the…unhealthy tragedy of merlin giving up on his own wants and needs and worth as a person who exists outside the context of this narrow mandate to protect someone who doesn’t know who merlin really is and wouldn’t love him if he did - but that’s just the situation merlin’s trapped himself in, by that point.  it’s what he’s accepted for himself.  it’s all he thinks he deserves.)]

[that’s a post for another day, though, so.  back to the point.]  

merlin’s life does not revolve around arthur pendragon.  merlin had a life all his own before he came to camelot, and during the last quarter of season 1, every part of it that matters to him is falling apart.

i keep coming back to this, every time i think about this kid.  there’s just no way to overstate the fact that merlin’s world up until this point has always been just two people.  his whole life has been just two people.  his whole life has been just one parent.  his whole life has been just one friend.  

and after 1.10, his one friend is dead.

i think we dramatically underestimate the impact of merlin having half of his world obliterated, just like that.  

that’s not something he gets up and strolls away from.  he can’t roll with that punch.  he carries that for the rest of his life.

you know what i mean?  it would be a disastrous enough thing on its own, without even getting into the fact that it unfolds in a way that is SO complicated and tied up with messy personal history and regret/guilt that it needs to be parsed in an essay of its own (which, yes, i might already have half-written; yes, i have too much extra time on my hands this month.)  we’re also not getting into the fact that like - okay, the sort of grimly positive flip side to only having two significant relationships in your life is that you’ve also never personally experienced any significant bereavement.  you don’t have any extended family to mourn, no friends to lose, et cetera.  so to have your first experience with loss be something so huge, when you’ve had no practice dealing with grief, and to be trapped in a place where you aren’t allowed to discuss it honestly because if you told somebody what it all really meant you’d be executed?  

i’d be in a bad mood, too.

merlin is such a good kid and he tries so hard to have a smile for everyone, but i can’t watch the last quarter of S1 without seeing the strain of this weighing on him.  it affects how he reacts to the situation with gwen’s father in 1.12 (more on that another time), and it absolutely plays into the fact that he spends the season finale racing from one side of the kingdom to the other, desperate to sacrifice his life for someone else’s.

^^ regarding that last bit - i think about that a lot.  merlin tries to die three separate times over the last three episodes of S1, and it’s not that he’s...running around trying to get someone to kill him, exactly, but there’s definitely a very real sense that he’s dumped any interest in self-preservation, at this point, that he doesn’t care what happens to him.  if dying is what it takes to make sure nobody else is taken away from him, then that’s fine.  he will do literally anything to not feel this again.

merlin is trying to process something so big for him and he’s trying, by necessity, to do it alone, because he left his mother behind and came back to camelot where nobody understands that the only person other than his mother who ever loved him just died lying for him.  he is so stressed out in the last three episodes of this season and so desperately unhappy about things he isn’t allowed to even mention, and i just think it’s impossible to evaluate these episodes outside of that particular context.  

“we haven’t done all the things we’re meant to do,” he protests in the finale - and you can feel that aching admission come welling right up out of his soul.  it’s uttered in a new context, yes, but he’s been thinking it for weeks and weeks and weeks already, too late to change anything, too late to buy his friend any more time.  he’s hurting.  and he goes zipping around from life-sacrifice to life-sacrifice in the last three episodes in a desperate attempt to keep himself from hurting more.

iii. i’d never have a friend who could be such an ass

the point of all this is the following: the reason merlin sounds like he’s fed up with arthur in 1.11 is because he is fed up with arthur in 1.11.  he’s fed up with everything.  they all just got home from ealdor somewhere between a couple of days and a couple of weeks ago, and merlin is reeling.  he feels like his head and his heart are still trapped on the other side of the border.  he’s sick of looking at arthur’s arrogant, insensitive, infuriatingly alive face - and i say this while recognizing that, even at the same time, merlin also cares about arthur, and believes in him, and lionizes him; admires him; hero-worships him, even.  these two things can be simultaneously true.  merlin’s relationship with arthur is already so fraught with dissonance (how can you care about someone who thinks people like you are inherently evil?  how can you respect someone who oppresses you?) - and merlin’s always carried two contradictory truths when he navigates their relationship, one in each hand.  and right now it’s just that one hand is holding something too heavy.  he’s not being bitchy, he’s busy - he’s trying to deal with something that is taking up 100% of his mental and emotional energy; he doesn’t have anything left over to accommodate arthur pendragon’s dumbassery. 

and arthur pendragon IS a dumbass; let’s not pretend that he isn’t.  i love him, and he has moments that are so admirable and glorious and shining that they take your breath away, when you can see why gwen says you are going to live to be the man i see inside you; i can see a king that the people will love and be proud to call their sovereign (that speech makes my eyes sting EVERY TIME, it gets me right there) - but arthur is STILL a dumbass.  no question about it.  he has so far to go, still.  he’s dumb in all the generic ‘oblivious rich dude’ ways, and he’s also a jerk in his own specific ‘arrogant arthur pendragon TM’ ways, and merlin at this particular moment doesn’t have the energy to deal with it.  he likes arthur, even at this early stage, despite all the mental gymnastics he has to do in order to like someone who hates magic-users.  but merlin’s closest friend in the world is dead, and arthur is such an asshole sometimes and it’s like - this is what i got in exchange?  this is the trade the universe made?  what the hell makes arthur more deserving of being here than somebody who loved me without being told, without being taught, without needing to be constantly convinced that i should be allowed to exist and be safe and be loved on this earth?

are we really surprised that merlin wants to strangle arthur after that trademark ‘you cannot trust a single word a sorcerer says’ comment?  merlin has enough reasons to resent that on his own behalf, but his own secret isn’t the problem, this time; the problem is that they literally just got home from their little jaunt to ealdor and the only reason arthur even made it back from ealdor in the first place was because (as far as arthur knows) a ‘sorcerer’ died saving his stupid life, and arthur knows that, and still, this is what he has to say?  

and that’s on top of like - back in ealdor before they left, the fact that arthur really felt it was necessary to take time out of his day to come over and reproachfully chastise merlin about not disclosing will’s ‘magic,’ AT WILL’S FUCKING FUNERAL???  “you know how dangerous magic is.  you shouldn’t have kept this from me.”  AT WILL’S FUNERAL?  RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS BURNING CORPSE?  LIKE????  HELLO????

can you imagine being in this scenario???  and thinking???  yeah this is appropriate.  this is the time.  

how is merlin supposed to respond to that?  when arthur’s like ‘you know how dangerous magic is’ and merlin is just like ????!!  we are AT HIS FUNERAL!!!  we are literally WATCHING HIS BODY BURN!!!!  you know how dangerous magic is FFS THAT ‘MAGIC-USER’ COULDN’T STAND YOU AND HE STILL SAVED YOUR UNGRATEFUL LIFE AND HE’S DEAD BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT AND WE’RE AT HIS FUNERAL OMG IS THIS THE TIME?  IS IT EVER GOING TO BE THE TIME?  SHUT!  UP!

of course merlin wants to kill him.   

so anyway.  i really appreciate merlin’s sudden prickliness in this episode.  it’s subtle enough not to be completely jarring, but it’s still clearly perceptible, and i’m glad for that, because this is something that should be perceptible, given the timeline, but at the same time merlin would never, ever mention what’s really bothering him out loud, because a) the sorcery element and arthur’s involvement in how things went down have made it an absolutely unbroachable, forbidden topic, and b) guilt has wired merlin’s jaw shut.

^^ re: that last thing - it’s a post for another day, and i won’t really get into it now, but suffice to say, once again, that merlin spends the last quarter of season 1 running around trying his absolute hardest to throw his life away for someone, and i just feel like...i think it says something about the kind of pain he is in, and the kind of apology he feels he needs to make.  

he is having a very hard time.  merlin in the back quarter of S1 is feeling very alone and very much like he doesn’t deserve to ever feel better. 

so if he’s a little bitey with arthur’s trademark noble nonsense, i think we can cut him some slack.