#idk why i wanted to dissect it so badly

[monstersinthecosmos]

buncha discourse a year or so back about how Marius and Daniel are both complete people without Armand (agreed) and that acknowledging the way Armand sort of haunts their relationship means we're taking agency away from Daniel as a whole person (vehemently disagree) and basically I just think, it's very short sighted to look at a relationship like Marius & Daniel's and NOT acknowledge the empty space of Armand between them.

Of course!!!!! We must acknowledge that fanworks and fandom are about transformative work and someone can easily devote time & energy to writing fics where Armand is never acknowledged once if that's what they want, but it's not what I want! It's not how I prefer to approach them!

I think there's something very salient about Armand's absence between them! I want us to spend time with it! I want to ask, when Daniel is at his worst, how much of this is Armand's fault? And I want to ask, when Marius nurses him through it, how much guilt does he feel? How might he look at Armand's behavior as a maker and wonder if he fucked up, if he did wrong by Armand by not being a better maker himself, if this could've been avoided?

It's such incredible source of trauma to look at--for Marius, I think it's a matter of "He behaves this way because I couldn't keep him safe, and I didn't rescue him, and I didn't rescue him because I couldn't reconcile how betrayed and triggered I felt by his cult, and if I had taken care of Santino and taken the cult seriously all along, this could have been avoided."

And for Daniel, we have to remember it's not JUST that he had a bad turning, that he's sensory-overloaded and bad at vampiring, but this is the nastiest breakup of his life! Especially considering that like, it's so much beyond being a marriage of sorts--TILL DEATH DO US PART except they'll never die. It must have hurt him so badly. And like, he was 20 when his life effectively ended, so it's entirely possible that this is his ONLY real bad breakup, and this was his only like actual adult relationship.

But even for him, I love thinking about how badly Armand hurt him, but as he gets to know Marius and understand the situation better, and understand Why Armand is Like That, there's such a potent space for forgiveness and empathy.

I like thinking about Daniel coming out of it slowly and allowing Marius to see his real personality, and all the space where they get to know each other and care for each other. It's not unlike the Devil's Minion--growing something where there was something else. With Armand it was fear and revulsion that become familiar and passionate. With Marius it starts with caretaking and confusion, and as he gets ahold of himself and things come into focus they can get to know each other as people.

idk I just really love this triangle in VC and the dynamics are really fascinating to me, and I'm happy that I've been poking at it and dissecting it for Vamptember, and I hope my haters of the past who told me I was stupid for approaching this way know that they can simply keep scrolling and write their own fics if they don't like it! :)

[findafight]

People making Robin mean to Steve is one of the biggest reasons I loved your one sided Ron*nce post. Because I genuinely cannot see Robin just overlooking how much Nancy hurt Steve just because Robin has a crush on her. Like even in small ways, I think Nancy did a number on Steve. I look at their relationship and see Steve being told he’s over dramatic, stupid, and that his hobbies and anything that makes him Steve is automatically less than Nancy’s hobbies and desires. Idk I just can’t see Robin hearing about that or about anyone treating Steve badly and not taking Steve’s side. Stobin should have the same brain always

Ahhh yes thank you!! Yeah it simply doesn't make sense to me with the history there. Because like. Even if we do not think Nancy cheated on Steve (which I believe she did, regardless of what TPTB say) she still broke his heart. Regardless of whether or not Steve thinks it's justifiable that she did, Robin wouldn't let that go. She holds a grudge like a motherfucker. The girl she liked had a crush on Steve and he also ate bagels messily in class and didn't know her name and she held onto that for at least two if not three years. No way that after she has finally found her forever person she'll let him being hurt go!! If she can hold onto a petty grudge she can hold onto a heartbreak grudge for her best friend. She does not like people who are mean to Steve and would not be one of them in the way she is sometimes made to be in fics(outside of legitimate misunderstandings, disagreements, normal friendship conflicts) (sorry I've rewritten this like 3 times trying to figure out how to say this without dissecting the st/ncy dynamic in s2. [which i ended up doing and then copy pasting that into a blank doc because oh. i have points. but off topic for this. But it's still a bit ranty] this gets a bit long, but I did delete a weird siderant in it so it's more on topic? I do have a stobin and r//ance point I SWEAR and I hope this is cohesive)

Like, I think Steve 100% blames himself for the breakup. We see this in s4. but also the show tries to make us believe that that's the truth and not Steve seeing Nancy through rose-coloured glasses which is wild. Unreliable Narrator Steve about his own love life is just. it makes sense with everything that we see happen between him and Nancy and how she very much has fault in the ending of their relationship, and should have taken more responsibility and at least broken up with Steve after she slept with Jonathan, but allowed Steve to shoulder the blame for being a "shitty boyfriend" when he really wasn't.

The way the breakup is framed as Steve's fault from the beginning of S2 is kinda wild to me because...Steve was right?? I ALSO wouldn't want to be discussing telling people the top secret government conspiracy that people had been murdered to keep it quiet over in the school library. That's not shitty boyfriend behaviour that's smart person scared of the government that can and will kill you if you blab behaviour. And Nancy even admitted she waited for Jonathan to make a move before going back to Steve, and then she cheated on him with jon! These are not things that Steve knows about or is responsible for! Why does the show make it seem like Steve is entirely at fault here!

Anyways I think Steve must not have told Robin everything and just used his "I was a shitty boyfriend" line on why they broke up for robin and while yeah, she's not good at reading people, she does know when to not push her sad looking friend into talking about a rough breakup. Which is why Robin is on the St/cy train in s4. If she had known everything, (once again not even touching the cheating) I cannot see her pushing Steve towards Nancy. She loves Steve and wants him happy, and thinks maybe if Nancy keeps giving him eyes, knowing Steve has changed in the past year and a half, Robin thinks maybe something can come of it! that's sweet! She's trying to get her friend back together with an ex he cares about, that obviously seems into him too, and doesn't know the extent of their breakup. Unfortunately canon did not make it clear Steve or Robin or Dustin or Eddie know Nancy and Jonathan are still dating? Which makes it very weird, and not make sense, so I am choosing to believe through a game of telephone with the kids Robin and Steve think Nancy and Jonathan broke up and that's why she didn't go to cali.

But Robin doesn't have all the facts so when he does tell her all about the end of his and Nancy's relationship, yes, and Robin is squinting at him because he is acting like it is his fault his heart got broken, but from all the facts given, it doesn't actually seem that way. She's not the best at reading people but she knows Steve, and it just...doesn't add up for her. Because all the things he said he did make sense to Robin, not wanting the government to kill you is actually very reasonable etc... And Steve is still so sad about it and clearly it still affected him getting his heartbroken like that. So Robin, who can hold a bagel crumb grudge like literally no one else, will obviously hold some resentment towards Nancy for hurting Steve like that even if Steve doesn't blame her, because Robin knows what it's like to just...not understand what you did wrong and still blame yourself for it. She's neurodiverse! If we use Rebel Robin, she lost Barb as a friend for seemingly no reason to her other than Barb finding a better friend(I think?) and it wasn't so dramatic as a breakup, but still. I think seeing that Steve had legitimately tried with the tools he was given to support Nancy and be a good boyfriend but blamed himself, and Nancy letting him do that, would strike a chord with Robin. She would Not let it go.

Robin might want to be Nancy's friend, especially if Steve is encouraging it, and insisting that it's fine and they did save the world together, but you're right! she could never overlook the fact that, not only is Nancy Steve's ex which makes things awkward anyway, but she also broke his heart and let him take the blame for it even if he doesn't realize it. (not to mention!! the cheating!!! I am still looking for post s2 st/ncy fic that let's them actually talk about it but it seems like that's just not addressed by the shippers? which is unfortunate because I'd read it, but I don't ship it enough to care to write it myself. Ya feel?) She could probably move past it for friendship if Steve was okay, but I also just...don't think they'd be super close friends.

Tbh I don't see Nancy really wanting to stick around with the Hawkins crew more than exchanging holiday cards and maybe a wedding or big event or something. It'd be nice for her to have people she knows she can rely on, but her goals are so much bigger than that and she'd want to get away and move on, especially if it was for sure over and done. She wants a lot more than Hawkins, and canonically only stays in contact with people involved with the Upside Down if they're dating her or related to her. I know we love to make everyone happy friends big found family but in canon...I don't think Nancy is really looking back at her hometown once she leaves for uni.

I don't think I can even picture Robin having a crush on her in anything other than "pretty badass girl appreciation" way because knowing thabout the st/ncy breakup would probably kill any butterflies before they hatch for Robin.

She couldn't do that to Steve. She couldn't do that to herself! I've seen people complain that a lot of the... not criticism but reasoning for not liking r0nance makes it about Steve so here's this. Robin wouldn't like Nancy not only because of all the Steve stuff, but because they simply do not vibe romantically.

Robin needs someone who will be able to smile and shrug off some of her rants or rambles or even find them endearing. Nancy needs to be alone for a while but in a partner someone is able to push back against her to challenge her and encourage her to her ambitions (this is something with Nancy robin I think would struggle with, with how Nancy was dismissive of Robin and her ideas, which might lead to insecurity for Robin) Robin is involved with people from the Upside Down, she's best friends with Steve, she obviously is familiar with Dustin and Erica and possibly Max. Nancy wanting distance from that aspect of her life wouldn't gel with the company Robin keeps.

I also think not wanting to risk hurting your friend or ruining your relationship with your best friend over a crush is completly legitimate reason for not pursuing a relationship (romo or not) of any kind. Like. jeez. God forbid you care what about your friends feel. It's frustrating when people treat that like it's a stupid reason when it's not!!

Robin wouldn't date Nancy because it may not ruin her relationship with Steve from Steve's side, but from hers. It'd make her question herself and what kind of friend she is. Would she want Steve to date an ex of hers that broke her heart? Even if she blamed herself for it? She wouldn't. Does she think Steve would ever do that? absolutely not, because Steve doesn't want to even risk hurting her. She values her friendship with Steve way more than a crush or a potential girlfriend. She's confident in their relationship far more than a fledgling romantic relationship. She doesn't want to even risk the chance of losing Steve, regardless if he says he's okay with her dating Nancy. Robin doesn't want to be the person who puts romance before her best friend, because she adores Steve, he's her person, they want to combine, and she knows Steve would never do that to her. It's Robin's choice! And I believe she would choose Steve.

Also, this one point is about shippers, it's sorta...super frustrating when so much of the reasoning of people wanting it to be canon prioritizes Nancy. Even when they try to make it about Robin it's about Nancy because it seems like they just. ignore that Robin's best friend is Steve, and that Nancy was annoyed by Robin rambling and being a bit Weird. different interpretations I guess but Nancy was jealous of Robin because of her closeness to Steve and also found her annoying! they got closer in the end and Nancy definitely respected her for the rant in the office, but she would still find those traits annoying. A lot of these points come from viewing r//ance as a potential canon ship when...it's not. (I think it is legitimately so hindering that a lot of shipping is about it being canon or whatever when no? it's just fun to explore a dynamic between characters! which is also why I don't get romo r//nce bc I think they'd have a really weird and kinda awkward relationship. which is fun and neat to explore even if it's messy!)

but still, it wouldn't happen in canon and that's fine!! it's okay to like fanon content! not everything has to be canon. and it's frustrating when people insist on there being a strong possibility of canon r//ance when there isn't. That's not a bad thing! It's just a thing! I'm sorry but based on what is going on with Robin and Vickie very likely being either in a relationship or on the cusp of one in s5, and everything going on between Nancy, jon, and Steve, there's no room for it. It wouldn't make sense to shoehorn it in when Vickie is literally Right There and smiling and enjoying being around Robin more than we saw Nancy being.

People doing this also insist it'd be good for Robin when really they just don't want Nancy to be with Steve or Jonathan and it's like yeah neither do I. I think Nancy should be single. Don't put that shit on Robin. Having them get together at the end is just not allowing Nancy time to be single and find herself and explore the big wide world, and not be tied to Hawkins. Nancy deserves a big post grad adventure without worrying about the upside down.

Let Robin have a cute redhead girlfriend who understands that sometimes she cannot stop her mouth but thinks she's funny and knows that she's gonna sometimes be Very Weird with Steve. Just because a character was created to be a love interest doesn't mean they cannot be interesting. Look at our boy Steve! He was initially supposed to be Nancy's jerk boyfriend who dies and look at him now. :')

Also. It'd be sooooo weird for Nancy there. Steve's her ex! Her gf being best friends with her ex would be weird for her!

and the argument that Vickie is boring is...like ok. more than one person is allowed to ramble when a bit fluster but okay. then so is Barb. She was also barely there. so is tommy. like. people are allowed to not like characters or like ships or whatever. But c'mon. Cut the girl some slack!

Vickie is an eveasdropper who wants to barg into stobin's weird thing. I believe she returned fast times stopped at fifty three minutes and whatever seconds on purpose to suss out if Robin got it. She got so distracted by complaining about her ex she over peanut butter two slices of bread. She thinks Steve is funny. She's a bit of a freak and I think if we continue to see more of her she'll fit nicely with stobin!

Literally I only think R0nance would potentially date in an au where steve and nancy never dated and robin and nancy did instead in a first teenage loves kind of way, but ended up being too different and prioritizing contrasting or conflicting things and realizing that they don't work as a couple. Like. Even there it doesn't really make sense to me? I mean I'm writing the post o66 au with that, the first teenage love r//ance because I do think that, given the right circumstances they would potentially fall in love. But I don't think it would last long term. They're too different about too many things to be compatible I guess.

Anyways yeah I can't vibe with Romo ships that have to disregard or ignore key factors of characters or their deep and loving platonic friendships with others. Sorry I wrote so much about this it probably makes no sense. Peace and love and remember stobin are platonic soulmates who are each other's number ones :)

[resizura]

something pissed me off today i was on that godforsaken app and someone was discussing how there are complex characters in re and people dont understand them and they used chris, wesker, ada, and luis. they claimed to like chris and wesker (as evidenced by the multiple comments dissecting chris’s ‘character’ in the series. they claimed to not like ada or luis but “understood their characters” yet didnt explain further why they didnt like them.

what gets me is that i see this same thing on tiktok where its basically people hating on ada but disguising it as wanting better writing for her.

like im sorry but re characters are not well written. theyre written by multiple different people throughout multiple different games, movies, and comics, and no one can agree on anything. most of the characters are essentially blank slates with no discernible personality traits. which is why it pisses me off so much.

whenever it comes to ada she doesnt get the same treatment as other (male) characters. i saw one person who disliked ada but they loved chris, wesker, luis, and leon. and liking luis but hating ada is always gonna baffle my mind because theyre so similar to each other. no, ada never gets an explanation as to why shes disliked other than “she needs better writing.” hey guess what. everyone in the series needs better writing.

i have my own 300 paragraph essays about ada because just like the other characters, there is barely anything to her in canon. most of my interpretation of her is literally in my head because capcom gives us jack shit. but her bad writing is used against her for people to dislike her character, but despite being slightly expanded on in re4make and separate ways its still not enough for people to latch onto. people latch onto the damn cameraman from re7 for crying put loud.

and i know this too because theres tons of people who like ada just like me and have the same interpretations, or different ones, but ones that still expand her character. hell, this can apply to any female character too, sheva, claire, ashley, mia, manuela, jill (although she’s not as much of a victim to this as other characters). like sorry but why is “poorly written” only a characteristic i see for the female characters.

idk i just think fine like whoever you want, write your essays, but dont complain about a badly written character when you yourself like a badly written character. we’re all in the same boat here

[ouroborosreilig]

I'm so normal over 3d life desert duo tbh

like. just feel like, in my humble opinion, everything in one way or another went down from there (in a way kind of sort of)

Like in 3d life Scar & Grian were. well. u know. they

were 3d life Scar & Grian (aka inseparable doomed by the narrative a tragedy from the start duo. I want to put them in a jar and shake them) like tahts when everything STARTED too. that's the roots where it all began.......

in last life (I DONT REMEMBER THIS ONE VERY MUCH..😔) the southlanders fell apart, and Scar was alone, but in one way or another those 2 were like. circling each other kinda?

In. err. In double life... fate and destiny did it's thing, but it was like crazy. cus they were stuck together but also hurting each other kinda, like the Scar snow powder thing, and the Grian bigB thing.....

Then in LIMITED LIFE.. both of them had a stable home basically, Grian the bad boys and Scar, the clockers. But. But. They were still, AGAIN, in one way or another still, like always, circling each other (I KNOW I ALREADY SAID THAT PHRASE BUT IDK WHAT ELSE TO SAY 😭) in the burning down the mansion, becoming cousins, GRIAN KILLING SCAR, the whole thing is just a mess, really

Then u look back at 3rd life. In 3rd life, they were "perfect", in that sad, sad way. Like 3rd life was the beginning of it all and it never really let them go. Like it was always like afterwards, Grian was afraid of really really trusting people (coughScarcough) and never got too close, and when he DID get close it ended badly. Like he knew it’d end badly, so he was trying to stay kind of away from everywhere he thought he could hurt, so it wouldn’t be as painful when it ended badly. And after 3d life, Scar seemed to like… not be vengeful really, I can’t explain it but after 3rd life he always seemed to have like; some sorta essence of 3rd life? Like it rubbed off on him and changed him kinda?????? God that man is too much for me to dissect UGHH (but I hope u get what I mean at least a little. ..)

verdict. They are a Greek tragedy mixed with ballroom dancing mixed with poisoning each others drinks mixed with more Greek tragedy

(btw.:. So sorry for the rant I just went crazy for a little and idrk anyone else Normal about desert duo /pos so I had to tell u.. hope u understand 😔 if u want me to stop tho pls pls pls pls pls pls tell me!!!!!!!!!! Alsoo if u want to add anything onto this PLEASE DO… I don’t analysis gtws enough to know The Things about him and I can’t rewatch the life series or I cry(

im gonna throw up (in an insane way)

god yeah no yeah erm yeah this is my thoughts as well gheughiagorjdghnnnkm THEY SUCK! WHY DO YTHEY DOOOO THIS......... Anyways... Yeah.......

it feel s like TO ME... scar really wants that moment back, like all of the things they had in the desert, even if it was just the 2 of them really it didnt feel that lonely and they were happy w/ each other !!!!! and he is sad. and sad..... he just wants his buddy back he has no hard feelings (of the cactus r [explodes])

but grian is MISERABLE he's suffered severe emotional damage after . yknow.. and he just keeps killing scar over and over and over again and each time hes so so sorry but he keeps doing it! the way it happened in limited life though is so very interesting to me because he really didn't have to there were plenty of other people and yeah maybe scar was easy pickings for having his back turned and being so vulnerable but also why. maybe so it didnt hurt as bad the longer it went on with the 2 of them alive hahahahahhaha anyways what are we talking about

[tadpolesonalgae]

i'll never understand people that don't like the ic but still read fanfic about them or even acotar in general? the books revolve around them, how did you even finish the series? especially because they usually feel the need to pull the "they're actually not great people" card like yeah everyone read the book, literally everyone in acotar did fucked up things. and i get that those would make you not like them but i don't understand still reading fanfic about it when you clearly don't like the characters and it is annoying to have to keep reading comments like this like if you don't like azriel and the ic why are you reading about it and trying to make the people enjoying it feel bad for liking it? idk it rubs me the wrong way because it really feels like the only reason to comment on it is to make people feel bad for liking something you don't. i've had to deal with this in a lot of fandoms and it's something that always made me feel weird because i don't like a lot of characters or books but i'll never understand the need to come tell people that clearly do like it how much you hate it. what response do you even expect from that? im sorry you don't like the character that i do? im sure i don't like characters that you like as well and that's fine, we're both living our lives (there are exceptions obviously like some characters really do beyond fucked up shit and some books/shows are just fucked up in general but the ic sits pretty in the middle of the morally grey area)

i'm probably exaggerating a bit (acotar is just a casual fandom for me believe it or not after this whole thing) but if i spent so much time writing about a character or a book and someone just came in talking about how they don't like the characters i'd feel a bit discouraged and i hope you don't, fanfic writers literally carry fandoms on their backs for free and don't deserve this

also if you post this and that anon reads this, i'm sorry if this was not your intention, i kind of used the ask as an example because i've seen a rise of this kind of thing in this fandom (and some other ones actually) and it just feels dumb to me. the ask didn't even really say they hated them so it does make me feel a bit bad to use it as an example but still wanted to say this because it really just feels mean to me most times

‘i'm probably exaggerating a bit (acotar is just a casual fandom for me believe it or not after this whole thing)’

I don’t think it depends on how invested you are in this fandom since your point is still valid regardless of what book/TV series you’re into? It’s applicable to multiple situations, not just acotar.

Irrelevant of what sort of show or series you’re into, if you like it, you like it, and it’s usually a little upsetting when people talk badly about stuff you feel strongly about?

‘and someone just came in talking about how they don't like the characters i'd feel a bit discouraged and i hope you don't’

Personally, since it was in regards to CBMTHY, I assume that they’re only upset/frustrated with the IC because of how they’ve been written in that fic? I don’t interpret it as anyone directly attacking me, because they’re expressing their own opinions (as you’re doing, too) and sometimes I’ll agree; sometimes I won’t, but it’s not a personal thing?

I love reading everyone’s thoughts and opinions regarding acotar in general because there are so many different views? Some people really hate Nesta (who I love), other people like Amren (who I really, really dislike, but oh well, I can put that aside for writing purposes), so it’s just fun to listen and dissect all these viewpoints!

‘also if you post this and that anon reads this, i'm sorry if this was not your intention,’

‘the ask didn't even really say they hated them so it does make me feel a bit bad to use it as an example’

(Thank you for putting this part at the end to clarify your own tone/intention since it’s sometimes difficult to understand through text :) )

[silvsomnia]

I WANT TO RAMBLE ABOUT DOC AND MY OTHER DHMIS OC A BIT EVEN THOUGH MY POSTS DONT REACH SO HERES SOME FACTS OR SOMTHDINCJK-

Doc puts on a Fassade of being a really nice guy but he’s a lot more fucked up than you think. If you joked about letting him dissect you he would take it seriously. He doesn’t think with his “heart”. He uses logic to explain things and will be persistent to learn what and how things work. The “lovesickness” joke from a past post for example- he thinks it’s a legit illness and doesn’t understand his feelings. He’s not programmed for that shitz 😭. You will be vollentold to be a test subject. No if ands or buts

Apollo is actually scared of Luna. He won’t admit it- but despite being legit “THE SUN” he knows Luna is more sentient about the shit that goes on in the world. Hence why he treats her the way he does. He’s a cocky bitch yea- but he knows his sister better than anyone in this. He doesn’t let her teach because she knows things and he doesn’t want her to fuck up their life. He doesn’t wanna change again.

As said above, Luna knows more than she acts. She knows about the batteries, she knows about Leslie. She knows about Roy. She’s inspired off of how stuff is always done in the dark/night and people are seen heard doing things by unseen eyes and ears. (Hopefully that makes sense). She doesn’t however understand why her brother treats her so badly. She is young. And she does love her brother

Apollo is taller than red guy- Luna is a smidge taller than duck- and I donno docs height yet

I feel like doc is pretty breakable if you threw him hard enough- he’s made from lollipop candy idk what u want man- those types of candy shatter so easy

Doc actually does care about scopes and clippy like family and like a team. He just couldn’t tell you what care is on the medical chart

Originally doc was going to be a dentist but I like the medical field better

Luna and yellow guy get along along with the lamp from episode 6 of season one- (I cant remember his name)

Apollo and Luna are based of harlequin clowns. (I need to color them speaking of-)

Doc is a confused in closet(ish) gay- Apollo is bisexual- and Luna is aroace <33

[ednmame]

I lowk think I fell for this guy. He promised me trip(s) and the thing was I believed him cause when I was in his presence, I didn't spend a lick of my own money. HE took care of me, cut up fruit for me, dropped me off inside the airport--literally walked me to the checkin center and now hes mia....and like ok we live so far from each other i dont need to hear from him all the time but the radio silence is odd to me cause in the beginning, he was blowing up my phone. Like if hes entertaining someone else that cool with me cause I want the option to do the same while we are apart BUT I was literally supposed to be flying out to see him tonight/tomorrow morning. Especially since he switched up in the middle of nowhere. I kinda wanna go back and read our messages but at the same time, idk if thats a good idea cause I feel like I'm gonna dissect everything. The last time we literally face timed and he was like I'm happy to see you...i miss you etc and he hasnt called me since tues. its fuckign thursday AND I think the thing that bothers me the most is that I'm not gonna break shit off with him at all...cause theres still the possibility that he will plan all my trips for me etc and I realized when we were planning is thats all I want Right Now and thats all I can commit to Right Now. Relationships-situatships terrify me. Like the last time I saw Frenchi was over a month ago and shit ended sooooo badly. I just want consistency. I wanted to travel with this guy and all that good stuff so wtf changed? I genuinely want to know but at the same time I'm not reaching out cause this is hoe shit ended: I texted him Mon that I miss him and he doesnt respond at all until tuesday saying he doesnt think he will have off for when I want to fly in aka todayish and i was planning on booking tues so i make a joke and call him fake and hes like i hate my job cause this is what ahppens blah blah blah i never know if im gonna be off and he calls me i answer but im like "ill call you back latr" idek if he rly answere dor wa sjust checking if i blocked him?? idk but he hangs up and i say i was joking and hes like hes like ill show you my work schedule and im like im good THEN he says he needs to call me later....mind you im like why are you so serious what is it and he hasnt responded since!!! but hes religiously looking at my instagram story. Idk what to do. I'm tryna chill and i def dont want to jump out with the crazy like i usually do but damn BUT if shits too good to be tru ONCE again ima be pissed!

[anadrenalineslut]

i definitely agree with you about 1989 especially new romantics it has such a dark self destructive vibe even with the fun production. and clean is definitely about her eating disorder. i think that's what she's referring to when she uses "we" and "you". and it kinda connects back to bigger than the whole sky with the recurring rain theme. idk if this makes much sense but im just having so many thoughts about this

I think the album gradually gets darker as it goes on, with the happier songs being in the beginning which makes sense. None of the songs are really "happy" but you get what I mean, even songs like how you get the girl and I wish you would: they're not a healthy way of coping with a relationship that's falling apart. Like wishing they could read your mind and show up for you, even as you're in your house and not doing anything to prove that you're worth the fight is her sick mentality showing up. Like, I was on the taylor is sick train from red because she was very skinny during red era, so like I think I went into 1989 with a different perspective from jump and I just always thought 1989 was just such a polished song, it felt like the ultimate expression of what an anorexic person thinks is #lifegoals if that makes any sense.

I've always viewed pop taylor as the death of vulnerable taylor because her songs got so fucking cloaked in metaphor and upbeat melody that you can't really dissect the songs unless you know exactly what she was going through at the time and I think that midnights is like her answer to that. Like, I think taylor made the switch into pop because it provided her a way to close off the gut wrenching vulnerability that was evident through albums 1-4 that was not immediately visible during album 5.

I think because I've always been like weirdly in tune with taylor (I think taylor and I are very similar in terms of being undiagnosed autistic women who are conventionally attractive and who dealt with a LOT of sexism during our formative years and so I kind of always end up being correct about things with her in a way just by putting lyrics together with bits and pieces of info here and there) I've always had felt like 1989 was so misunderstood when it came out. Like, it's literally perfect. Artistically, it's her most destructive album but it's all tied up in pretty little bows and upbeat melodies and earworms so the allistics are thrown off the fricking scent and it worked so fucking well.

Like, everything about that album is misunderstood. Bad Blood was her eating disorder ruining relationships and taking everything personally and I wish you would was her eating disorder telling her if they cared, they'd show up and even shake it off is her pushing her feelings away and pretending they don't exist so she doesn't hurt so much all the time. Like, it's anger and heartbreak and figuring out your sexuality and terrible coping mechanisms and just control over every little aspect of your life to make yourself seem perfect. Like, God, and if you add the autistic lens on top of it!!!! Bro, if you listen to 1989 as an autistic person who moved to New York to find herself and ended up literally cheating and lying and stealing and robbing to win and break hearts so you can feed your eating disorders need to be the best at everything, to be perfect all the fucking time to make sure everyone fucking remembers you, to want to leave a permanent mark on other people so badly you don't fucking care how you do it you just do it because you're so fucking sick and in pain all the time but you can't stop or else you'll have failed and wouldn't that be the worst and then one day, one day you wake up and you realize why you've been acting like this, why you've been self destructive this entire time and why moving to New York made you feel even worse and that's because you've been sick and you're just getting sicker and now you're looking back and you feel like you've been screaming this entire time in silence

And I just love this album so much but it's so misunderstood because that's like the fucking point. I've always thought that pop taylor was so closed off in her music but really she just went undercover, hiding in plain sight so to speak, and idk I feel like midnights rearranged my brain chemistry especially after I made that 1989/midnights track by track analysis like I really feel like each track lines up perfectly with sick vs "healthy" taylor (shes not in therapy and has never been to therapy so idk if i call her healthy but the healthiest shes been for sure) and I think it's so beautiful that midnights starts with meet me at midnight. Like, 1989 was the brand and as an extension was sick taylor and midnights is her. Like who she is as a person, she is midnight. Like ugh, I love it. I love it, I could write some more about the growth from the one sure thing you know about yourself being your birthday vs describing yourself who you are as midnight!!!! Amazing, like I love it.

Sorry about all this, anon. You have thoughts, I wanna hear all of them but you get word salad instead.

[rainbowgelpen2000]

being with max or wanting him makes me feel lost and scared cause maybe he doesn't think about me or care about me at all. And ive given him so much it feels like by having him be my primary parter and doing hard drugs and just like being so intoxicated and wanting this man who is probably so scary and harmful to me but i kind of dont see it or i pretend not to see it- and think that a i think its obviously more grey then that. I wish i could not obsess i really do but i cant. Why does he need space why doesnt he want to love me more? didnt i do enough of the things that he requested? Hes not going to change for me- he cant he wont.

They boys said having expectations is ego and i thought whats wrong with having standards? Wont people treat you badly if you don't request otherwise? Whats love without ego does it even exist?

Max said i need to triangulate- it comes more from a grid surveying mapping definition but essentially a point cannot be determined on its own, like a gps it needs other signals to determine where you are or where you stand in the world. You need two other points to bounce it off of and in relationships it kind of relates to having or needing two diametrically opposing ideas or pitting people against eachother? Idk i lost my train of thought excuse me im high

Jonathan asks what do i want from these people? What do i expect genuinely? Forever? The future? How can you promise commitment? What does it look like? How can you ask someone to feel a certain way? Love is never logical yet the only way to dissect it (or anything) being logical thought

Jonathan says Waning to be with someone is possessive. Is that true? Because you want their time? Why do i need to be so possessive why cant i just let everything go? Why do i need so many people to give me attention and why cant i be grateful

[emo-firespirit]

this might be a scalding hot take some ppl aren’t gonna like but seamoon is queerbaiting and no amount of talking about how “canon” sf and moonlight are is gonna change the fact they’ve never spoken to each other in any canon piece of media like...ever

like i dont wanna be that guy who says “seamoon isn’t canon stop insisting it is” along with like a million reasons why it’s bad and manipulative and unhealthy because it isn’t. people who say that are usually being weirdos in order to “pwn teh lezbos” (ie they’re lesbophobes), which means they either ship firemoon/seafire and wanna be edgy about the fact their ship upsets people, or they’re one of those people who drools over gay men all day and thinks seamoon is an obstacle somehow to their fetishistic enjoyment of mlm (like firewind’s been relevant since kingdom launched).

no, this is not that post. im not here to write on the piss poor treatment of lesbians and sapphics in the cr fandom, I’m here to present the simple fact that devsis does not care about gay people and they especially do not care about gay women. none of the gay ships that are coded within the game will ever be confirmed but this goes DOUBLE for ships that involve two women in them because like i said before, have seamoon ever had any canon interaction with each other? Is sea fairy on moonlight’s relationship chart? Has seamoon ever been included in ANY kind of romantic/valentine’s day event, and included in a way where both characters are explicitly on screen? (And no, one cup with them doesn’t count—look at how much merch mintcocoa has)

like. look. i get that people want to say espresseleine and wildchip are gay-baiting because devsis is somehow pandering to fujoshis just by making them...exist somehow (which is another thing to dissect in itself—if you think gay men just existing and having fun together is fetishitic, you’ve got things to unpack). which kind of brings home my point that people are so caught up in nitpicking front and center super popular mlm ships that most of them have forgotten there’s a ship predating both by nearly four years and yet still has not seen any canon content beyond vague subtext, and has not seen any content in general since 2019 when the I WANT YOU EVERYDAY mv was released (you all know that one image).

like. holy shit, I need other people to talk about this. the cr fandom is infatuated with men and mlm (which isn’t even completely because of fujos—gay men don’t pretend you’re immune to lesbophobia just because your fav is a lesbian) but the fact it penetrates right down to the source material is appalling. it honestly goes to show how subtly misogynistic the stories of cr can be in general—interactions between two women is rare, almost unheard of in most stories/events, but men have an abundance of them. think of how often rambutan and mala spoke to each other in the season 7 event compared to the number of men clotted cream talked to throughout the entirety of odyssey. the number of canon opportunities for men to be romantic/coded with each other is INFINITELY more than the opportunities women have with each other. like seriously, if you don’t believe me, ask yourself how many women financier talked to that were her own age in cookie odyssey, or how long it’s been since rye and chili have had their story elaborated on. it’s kind of appalling, and devsis is really illicit with it. while I don’t think that fandom behavior is generally a good indicator of how something is treated in canon (devsis does write gnc/fem men well despite how badly the fandom misbehaves with them) but there is a correlation here. there is a pattern. I hope you get my point thus forward and now understand that the lack of wlw content in the fandom is a direct result of misogyny and lesbophobia, something thy goes deeper than hand waving it off by saying “oh the fujoshis are at it again”. guess what! the entire fandom isn’t made up of fujoshis!

idk. hopefully all of that tracked well enough that my through line is clear here. i also hope don’t need to lecture/tell you about the bechdel test and its original purpose (google is free otherwise), and I assume that (hopefully) you are smart enough to go looking for more resources on how lesbianism is by the virtue of misogyny often written out of the possibility of most narratives.

thus, hopefully my conclusion on why this is happening with seamoon makes sense, and hopefully you (especially if you are not sapphic) can understand this better and demand more out of devsis to actually make them talk to each other and actually produce more canon content of the ship. the modus of operandi should not be on us (especially those of us who are sapphic) to keep asking and begging and being okay with scraps.

(the cr discord has a complaints channel btw—it is free to use and I recommend it. not the rest of the discord though, please don’t subject yourself to that)

[destinysbounty]

Morro for the opinion bingo? :o

Ooh im conflicted on this one. I mean, hes a great villain and probably one of the most interesting antagonists in the series, and I think there is so much untapped potential in his character that never got fully utilized. There are so many mysteries to him as well that id have loved to see get answered. But the part im conflicted on is what kind of screentime he should get.

On the one hand, he absolutely deserves a full redemption arc and not just a quick scene or two like in DotD. I think the Morro stans could explain this better, but between his rough childhood, his complicated motivations, and the fact that he was like 16 (a CHILD) when he died, i think he definitely deserves a redemption arc. Not to mention that seeing Wu and Lloyd in particular try to navigate their feelings about him would be very compelling. And we could have an interesting narrative about redemption and how redemption does not automatically necessitate forgiveness, and that forgiveness is not earned but freely given, and how redemption isn't something you can achieve but something to constantly strive towards.

And itd be interesting to deconstruct Morro's character from that angle, and dissect WHY he wanted to be the green ninja so badly and WHY he was so determined to be the best (maybe Wu pushed him too hard when training him? Again thats a question for a Morro stan). Not to mention that Morro's character generates a lot of interesting discussion about destiny, and bringing Morro back in a redemptive capacity could allow the story to explore just how harmful the green ninja prophecy has been to everyone involved.

On the OTHER hand, Morro's death was narratively satisfying, and im also of the opinion that even if a character deserves redemption, doesnt mean they have to get it in the end. Sometimes bad things happen, and people dont get the happy endings they deserve. Morro's character arc is a tragedy from beginning to end, as this orphaned kid who became so determined to prove himself to the man who took him in that he began to equate his worth with his relation to destiny, and died young and alone and in pain on a quest to prove destiny wrong. And then, even with the threat of dying a second time, well. "You can only save those who want to be saved." Does he say this because he realised the error in his ways and doesnt think he deserves to be saved, or because he still cant bring himself to be weak and reliant in front of his old teacher, is still too terrified of depending on others to accept Wu's help even in his final moments? Idk. Its a bit of both, i think. Either way I really do enjoy Morro's character arc as a tragedy, and part of me almost doesnt want him to come back just to change that.

But again, im pretty conflicted on it, and I havent quite decided either way on whether or not id like him to be redeemed. I see the merit in both options. That being said, the Morro redemption fic "Forgetting the Coin for the Ferryman" is by far one of my favorite fics in this fandom.

[hockeyforthefirsttime]

Home For Christmas- Mat Barzal

AN: This is no shame, I started this before Christmas with the intention of finishing it as well... bitch I didn’t, so here we are.

Word count: 4k

TW: bad parenting, mentions of cheating, kind of angst? idk 

Sitting alone by the kitchen table, you watch the snow fall heavy over the town. You’re supposed to be working on your masters thesis, but your mind is a thousand miles away, 2 185,4 miles to be exact. 

And even that far away, Mat is still everywhere to be seen in a town he’s never been in. He’s in the cafe with the really bad coffee and the really good cakes, he’s in the window reflection in the old thrift shop you used to go to when you were younger. And you can imagine him so easily outside on the front porch, playing in the snow. 

In all honesty that would be ideal, having him here. But he’s not, he didn’t have the opportunity to come. You understand that. You understand that he’s got his own traditions, family and friends to see. 

But when you left JFK to come to the cabin in Alta, you wished that he was by your side, you by his. Instead of the snoring man that sat on your right hand side the entire flight. At least you got the window seat. 

Your parents went out to have dinner or visit some friends, you don’t care enough to remember. 

All you could think of was how Mat had been babbling about how excited he was for Christmas, and going home. And how you deep inside dreaded coming here. It’s not that your parents don’t love you, they just love the idea of the past you. Mat cares for you a lot, you know that, you’ve settled for that. But you haven’t had the heart to tell him how your parents only care for perfect facades and flaunting their riches. That's also why you haven’t told them about Mat. 

The snow is still falling over the perfectly decorated front lawn. 

You’re still thinking of Mat and how he would look with rosy cheeks from the cold, when your parents move in through the front door whilst talking in low murmurs. 

“Y/N, darling? You’re still awake?” 

Your mother asks, not yelling though, never yelling. She waits until she can see you from the hallway. 

“Yes, still kind of working.”

You answer politely. 

“Oh, you’re still writing your thesis?” 

Quickly as she comes around the table, you switch from the spotify tab, to the uni home page.The lie comes smoothly and she doesn’t notice, she never does. 

“My little hard worker, you’re gonna be such a good psychiatrist one day.” 

And your heart sinks all the way down to your stomach. You’ve never told them that you switched majors three years ago. Or that you’re not writing a dissection of the human mind, but rather a song. As well as a thesis. 

“Hey, I’m gonna go to my room.” 

Your mom nods at you with what almost resembled a fond smile. Passing your father in the hallway you see him slip something into the pocket of his already hung coat. 

“Night sweetheart.” 

“Night dad” 

You smile half heartedly while balancing your books and laptop in your hands. 

No matter how nicely the property is decorated, no matter how hard you try, you’ll never be what your parents expect you to be. They are much like their cabin in your opinion, pretty and inviting on the outside, shallow on the inside. 

You don’t know how to handle this. Because while you grew up a lot around here, New York feels like your home now. With pictures on the walls and tiny memories littered around the place. The bedroom you’ve always had in the cabin hasn’t changed much since you last were here. Pictures of people you no longer talk to still hang on the vanity you never used. 

Crawling underneath the thick duvet, you pull your phone off the charger on your nightstand. There are a few messages on snap chat and instagram you’ve missed. Mostly friends from college, all in their respective homes with their old friends and family. 

You close both of the apps, and sigh when you see the wallpaper of your phone. It’s a picture of you and Mat. You’re dressed in a hoodie with his jersey over it and his arms slung around your middle from behind, the both of you smiling at Beau behind the camera. You remember that day. 

It was in the early days of your relationship and only the second or third game you had been too of his. The Islanders had played the Rangers and won, Mat scored twice and it was overall a good game. The WAG’s had all started to head for the locker room hallway, while you set your path for the exit, planning on meeting Mat back at his apartment. Lauren was the first to see you trying to sneak out. And had instantly called you out on it. She’s a miracle worker with people, and within seconds she had figured out how scared you were that Mat wouldn’t want you there. After all this was a team win, and you didn’t quite feel like you were a part of the team. Not yet at least. 

And despite your fears, Lauren convinced you that he would love to see you first thing as he exited. And he had been. His already beaming face had swept you up in his strong arms and spun you around. Mat truly was and still is at times more excitable than a puppy.

-----

You wake up abruptly from someone yelling. That someone you quickly recognize as your father's voice. And your heart drops, even though the words are muffled, you can imagine the scene. Your mother, sitting at the kitchen table, in the same spot as you sat last night, telling him to calm down and stop yelling. Your father pacing in front of her, screaming about something you can’t quite figure out what is yet. He is obviously ignoring her.

Picking your phone up from the mattress as you sit up, there doesn’t seem to be anything new. You enter the messages app and shoot Mat a message, telling him to call you in thirty minutes. 

With a sigh, you pull the warm, comfortable duvet off yourself and drag your body out of the bed. Everything in the room seems a little colder, and you know it’s probably because of the badly isolated windows. That’s probably why the cool floorboards tickle your feet when you step on them. Luckily there is a pair of thick socks on the floor next to the bed, so you pull them on and walk to the door. 

Carefully you let the door creep open silently. 

“- and why couldn’t you just leave it be?” 

You hear your father yelling. 

“Because you’re my husband and I love you, you’re not supposed to have a second phone, much less a second girlfriend.” 

Immediately your stomach sinks. Your dad has a mistress? Then it was probably the second phone he slipped into the coat pocket last night. God, christmas spirit, eh? You shut the fight out of your mind instantly, not wanting this to be your christmas. In this moment you hate all the bad hallmark movies you’ve watched with Mat. Not for having watched them, but for letting them give you hope of a normal christmas.

On autopilot, you start packing the bag you never finished unpacking. It takes fifteen minutes for you to finish. Your phone starts ringing as soon as you zip the back shut. With a deep sigh you answer the phone. 

“Hi Mat.” 

“Hey, babe. You okay?” 

You can hear laughter in the background and the smile in his voice. You hate yourself for the next words. 

“No, not really.” 

The admittance lies heavy in your chest, but some of the weight seems to lift off when you speak the feelings into existence. 

“I’m sorry, is there anything I can do?” 

It's like the world disappears for a minute, and just hearing his voice calms you down. 

“No, I don’t think so, I just don’t think I can handle this right now. ‘M just gonna head home to my apartment. I can’t take my parents right now.”

It’s a relief to get the words out of your mouth and into existence. You can imagine him right now, with the cute frown on his face and the cogs and wheels in his brain turning.

“Hold on, you’re not gonna spend christmas morning alone are you?” 

“Why not? It’s not really different from what I’m used to, and it’s already the 23rd today anyway.” 

“That gives you just enough time to fly here!” 

 Your heart soars at the thought of waking up with Mat in his childhood home, but reason strikes you seconds later. 

“Mathew, I’m not gonna intrude on your family like that.” 

The sigh he releases on the other end of the phone, is followed by a small chuckle. 

“You’re not intruding. I promise. Plus they all love you.” 

------

You order an uber straight after calling Mathew. When you open the door to your bedroom, the yelling still hasn’t stopped. The log walls have always been pretty soundproof, but you swear, right now there is an echo in the house. Silently you close the door behind you. Your dad is still ranting on about how none of this is his fault, and how some things women simply don’t understand. 

You sigh and take off your shoes to make your steps even quieter than usual.It’s not that your father isn’t kind, it’s just that he seems to have been too kind to another woman. And it puts a great deal of fear into your heart. It makes you scared that Mat might do the same. 

You shake the thought (almost) out of your head, Mat is not your father, and you are not your mother. Still, you can’t help but feel like your mother deserves better. Leaning against the door frame, you pull up your phone and start scouring the web. 

The uber app alerts you of your rides arrival, and you go into your travel backpack and pull out a piece of paper and a pen. Quickly you write down the number and name of both a divorce lawyer and a couples therapist. Your coat is already on and your bag doesn't have wheels, so it’s a silent endeavour to the other bedroom in use on this floor. Your parent’s room. 

It looks like it always has. Everything is neatly put behind closed doors and the bed is perfectly made. No knick knacks on the bedside table, not even a book or an alarm clock. You sigh, put the note on your mothers side of the bed and leave.

You’re glad the kitchen doesn ‘t have a clear view of the hallway, your parents are too immersed in their fight, to notice the fact that their child is slipping through their fingers. They don’t notice you walking away from them.

------

The airport is not so surprisingly filled only with stragglers and people who are most likely working this christmas. The pine trees are decorated and everywhere, but you don’t feel as sick to your stomach as you usually do. Quickly you find your gate. It’s got a great view and you watch the snow fall under the lights of the airport and sip the holiday drink you uncharacteristically got from the coffee shop beside the gate. You have already checked in the luggage, so yet again you pull out a pen, but also a worn and torn leather bound notebook that’s been with you since the start of your degree. 

The songs usually come from poems but somehow this one is different. You start the melody quickly, writing down notes and sometimes little words that you feel make sense with the melody. Your hands start to itch for the ivory and ebony keys of a piano, but just as the feeling arrives the flight attendant calls up your flight and you have to pack up. 

 The plane is only half full, so you get a row to yourself. Resting your feet across the two free seats is a little uncomfortable, you’ll admit as much, but the feeling of having the piano at least on your computer is settling some of the itch. 

-----

Mat comes alone to pick you up from the airport. He’s standing in the parking lot leaning against his car. The second he hears you approaching he looks up from his phone, pockets it and meets you halfway. Immediately he hugs you tight.

“Hi babe, I missed you.” 

He says with a low voice into the scarf wrapped around your neck. You just hug him tighter. The tension that took a hold of your body during the layover, is releasing from your body. Mat’s entire being is like a weighted blanket covering you. 

When he lets you go, you miss his warmth, but it’s short lived. He picks up the bag you dropped to the snow covered ground and puts in the trunk before opening the passenger door for you. Upon entering the car, you are engulfed in everything Mat and warmth. 

“You gonna tell me what’s going on with your family?”

You sigh at the question, knowing it was going to come sooner or later. To be honest you’re glad he asked now, and not back home, back with his family. It’s just, how do you explain the entire messy situation to Mat, without getting pity points? You don’t want to feel like some charity case or, even worse, like some spoilt child who can’t handle the situation.

Instead of dwelling over it for too long, you decide to jump into it as he starts the car and enters the freeway. 

“My dad is cheating on my mom, and she found out last night. I think they were up the entire night just arguing. I just left a note on mom’s bed with the number of both a divorce lawyer as well as a couples therapist.”

You rant off, state it matter of factly. Trying to shut off your emotions. 

“Are you okay Y/N?” 

Mat asks. Simple as that. He asks you if you’re okay, and you can’t quite handle it. The tears are pressing on behind your eyes. And you look out the window, trying to hold them back. But when he puts a hand on your thigh, you let the first tear fall. 

“No.” 

And it really is as simple as that. You’re not okay. And you hate it. Just in that second your phone starts ringing in your back pocket.

“Sorry.”  

You say as Mat looks at you. He just gives you a soft smile. You check the caller id, and see it’s your mom. Quickly you clear your throat and wipe your tears away. 

“Hello mom.” 

You answer, trying to sound neutral. 

“Y/N, where are you? Did you go to one of your friends here? I can’t find any of your things.” 

She sounds confused to be honest. 

“Yeah no, I left, I’m on my way to my boyfriend’s house.” 

You hear her suck in a breath. Probably trying to calm down. You do the same, hoping for a calm conversation. 

“You didn’t tell me you had a boyfriend? Where are you?” 

You sigh, know it’s gonna be a long conversation. 

“No, I know, I didn’t tell you on purpose. He lives in New York usually, but he’s from Canada.” 

Ideally, you know, this would be a conversation to have with Mat, about why you haven’t told them about him, before you had it with your mother. 

“You’re in Canada?” 

“Yes.” 

“Well, what does he do then?” 

“Mom..” 

You start to avoid the question, but she interrupts you. 

“No, I want to know what he does that makes you think it’s okay for you to run away from your family right before christmas.”

In that second, just a split second, you get a little fight in you. 

“First of all, it wasn’t his call, he invited me, when I called him. Originally I was just gonna go back to New York. Alone. Second of all, I am not interested in spending christmas around you and dad when you can’t figure out your lives. Third of all, he makes me feel safe and appreciated and I can’t imagine being anywhere else right now.” 

You can feel the tears streaming down your face, but you don’t care. 

“Fine, if you are going to be like that then.” 

“I am gonna be like this mom.” 

“Fine.” 

She says, and then she hangs up the phone. And to be honest you’re kind of glad she did. 

“That sounded rough.” 

You nod and close your eyes. You don’t want things to be this way. You truly don’t, but it the way it is. 

“You didn’t tell them about me?” 

Mat asks. Possibly sounding hurt. 

“No, I was scared that they were gonna be who I know them to be, especially upon finding out that you play hockey for a living.”

He sinks a bit back in the driver’s seat.

“You think they wouldn’t like me?” 

He definitely sounds hurt. 

“I think they would like your image, your paycheck and what you could do for them publicly.”  

You answer earnestly. Before continuing. 

“They want a solid paycheck and all the nice things in life. The things that prove that they’ve got a lot of money, and that about sums it up.” 

“Oh, well that’s not good.” 

Letting out a sad chuckle, you nod your head. You can tell you’re closing up on his house because he seems to be driving slower now.

“I hope you know I’m not into you for the paychecks.” 

“No I know-”  

He turns and smiles at you. 

“You’re in this, for the amazing sex, eh?”

“Oh, for sure.”  

You smile and take his hand.

---

Waking up is always kind of heavier in the winter, but with Mat’s arms wrapped around you in the morning, it’s just something else. You fell asleep in one of his hoodies and flannel pj pants. You’ll admit it, it is a bit too warm, but hell it’s so worth it. 

You can feel him behind you, bare chest rising slow and steady. Soft snores escape him every now and then, but his arm around your waist stays there. Mindlessly, you start tracing shapes and letters on the back of his hand. You feel his hand start twitching, and all of a sudden he squeezes you tight and pulls you on top of himself. 

“I love you too.” 

He smiles up at you with his bleary eyes. Your cheeks heat up. You didn’t think he’d actually notice the letters you had been spelling out on his hand. So you hide your face on his shoulder and stay there. Just placing small, light kisses there. 

“Can you say it? Like out loud?” 

He asks you, quietly. 

“That I love you?” 

Immediately you feel him smile into your hair. 

“I love you Mat Barzal.” 

And you swear, you can feel his heart skip a beat in his chest.  

“Merry Christmas, by the way.” 

You say, feeling content. This is by far the best Christmas morning you’ve had, and you haven’t even gotten out of bed. 

“Oh shit, it’s Christmas morning!”

And before you know it, the light is on, and he’s out of bed and pulling on a shirt and a pair of sweats. He turns and looks at you expectantly. 

“Well, aren’t you coming?” 

He asks, moving in your direction. Mat all but drags you out of the bed and barely let’s you go to the bathroom to brush your teeth, before meeting his family downstairs. And it’s a glorious sight that meets your eyes. The christmas tree is decorated with little lights and different colour baubles?, as well as glitter. It looks homemade, and not like the perfectly decorated trees that have made their mark on your childhood. 

The sight of it causes you to stop dead in your tracks. God, how you love the normalcy of this. The morning is filled with laughter, jokes and copious amounts of hot chocolate. It’s not until the end of the gift unwrapping, that Mat slips away from you, claiming that he has to go to the toilet. 

He returns a few minutes later, carrying a big box wrapped in paper. It doesn’t take you long to notice that all eyes are on you. 

“Maty, I told you no gifts.”

You sigh, but you can’t help the smile that creeps onto your lips as you see how giddy he is. 

“I know I know, and originally I was going to stick to it, but I saw this in the store and I know you said you’d manage without it, but I just couldn’t help myself.” 

And as you listen to him rant his heart out to you, realization dawns on you. 

“You didn’t seriously..” 

Your sentence trails off as you watch him carefully place the box down on the dinner table. 

“Please, just open it?” 

And he knows you could never resist his pleading, just as well as you do. Nodding, you head to the table and start unwrapping the way too expensive gift. Soon the logo of the electric keyboard begins to unravel to you, and tears are seriously prickling behind your eyes.You pull the sleeves of the hoodie over your hands and wipe the tears away.

“Mathew, this is seriously the best christmas gift I have ever gotten.”

You mumble. He comes over and wraps you up in his arms again, and you can feel him smiling, how his entire being is happy, and maybe a little proud of himself. His mom and dad gush over how cute the two of you are, whilst Liana rolls her eyes with a fond smile. 

“Well, why don’t you play us something sweetie?” 

Mats mother asks you carefully once you unwrap yourself from Mat. 

“Yeah, I can do that.” 

And just like that the living room is cleared enough for you to set up the keyboard along with a chair from the kitchen. You even go back upstairs and find the chords you have written down for the song you wrote in the airport.

Testingly, you play a few chords. That is the moment you notice how quiet they’ve all gotten, so you decide to speak up, just to shake the nerves a little. 

“Okay, so this is kind of a rushed song, I wrote it on my way here, but I do hope you like it.” 

And then you start playing the first notes. You do love how the keys seem to find their way to you right away, like you’ve been playing this keyboard for a long time already. And then the words spill from your mouth. And you just sing. 

Careful what you say

This time of year

Tends to weaken me

And have a little decency

And let me cry in peace

But there's a place where I

Erase the challenges I've been through

Where he knows every corner

Every street-name

All by heart

And so it is a part of my

Courageous plan to leave

With a broken heart

Tucked away under my sleeve

I wanna find home for Christmas

Let me find home this year

I wanna find home for Christmas

Let me find home this year

I'll pack my bags

And leave before the sun rises tomorrow

'Cause we act more like strangers for each day

That I am here

But I have someone close to me

Who never will desert me

Who remind me frequently

What I I can truly be 

And so it is a part of my

Courageous plan to leave

With a broken heart

Tucked away under my sleeve

I wanna find home this Christmas

Let me find home this year

I wanna find home this Christmas

Let me find home this year

I don't know what my future holds

But I know who will love me

I can’t tell you where I'm from

But this one loved me to life

And so it is a part of my

Courageous plan to leave

With a broken heart

Tucked away under my sleeve

I wanna find home this Christmas

Let me find home this year

I wanna find home this Christmas

Let me find home this year

Playing the finishing keys, you look up from the keys, and see both Liana and Nadia smiling through a few tears. Mike is holding his wife close as he smiles at you. But Mat, he looks at you like you hung the stars in the night sky. 

Quickly you get up from the chair and wrap your arms around his neck. Closing your eyes, just letting yourself be completely enveloped in him. 

For a second though, he pulls slightly away, just enough so he can look you in the eyes. 

“I love you so much, and you’ll always have a home with me.”

Your heart swells ten times bigger than what your chest is made to encompass. 

“I know. I love you too.”

[screechingcheesecakecheesecake]

GOOD GODS HOW DO PEOPLE MISINTERPRET ZHONGLI AND AYAKA SO BAD

I keep seeing people say Zhongli and Ayaka are manipulators and acting like they are evil and shit. Gonna write an essay why they are fucking wrong because its 1 am and im pissed off.

Long post ahead

:readmore:

Alright, let's look at Biggest Manipulator™ of Teyvat Zhongli.

We all know what he did, put Liyue to a test if they can go on without him.

"He faked his own death, unleashed Osial, and made Ningguang sacrifice the Jade Chamber just because he wants to retire!"

First of all, the Osial thing was Childe's plan.

Second, Ningguang's Jade Chamber sacrifice is indeed an unfortunate event that was collateral damage because of it.

(but let's be real, her dream of the Jade Chamber shadowing all over Teyvat wouldn't pass under Celestia's watch lmao)

Third, we have to consider his position. He is the Geo Archon, known to be the oldest remaining from the OG7. He is very much loved and respected by his people and they depend a lot on him.

But he isn't a perfect being, that's the point of the Archon stories, even if he is an Archon, he isn't perfect. 6000 years of protecting Liyue is going to wear him at some point. Liyue can't depend on him forever, what if he suddenly died, which is, Oh! What happened to his fellow OG7!

He didn't just fuck off, he PREPARED for his retirement. From the contract with Tsaritsa to his test to his people. Even if he wanted to retire, he still loves Liyue, of course he wanted to make sure first that they can handle things without him. (though not considering the mora for Teyvat might be a writing mistake by Mhy)

Signora herself said that Zhongli could easily defeat Osial again, but he didn't. Because he wanted to make sure that not only the people of Liyue, but the Adepti can handle things without him. We've already seen that the Adepti initially are VERY hostile to the humans after his death was announced. It goes to show that they protected Liyue not on their behalf but because of their respect for Rex Lapis.

So the trial made their hostility lessen and they even formed a new contract with the humans.

There's another thing that Zhongli has to be wary off: Erosion. We've seen how it affected Azhdaha and it can happen to Zhongli too. He would'nt want to be a leader who is literally eroding, would he?

He held on to his gnosis until he is fully convinced that his people can continue living without him. Give him a break, it's one of his few desires for himself.

Woo, now. Let's go to Ayaka.

She's harder to dissect bc she's a victim of poor writing but I'll try.

First, Ayaka did sincerely want Traveler's aid and with the Vision Hunt Decree, she was desperate. But she did put Traveler in a position where they'd look like an asshole if they still refuse after the 3 visionless men event even if it's out of good will.

And honestly, I don't trust that she actually had a way to make Traveler talk to Raiden because she said herself that she only met her once (or a few times). Plus when Traveler actually, joined, she didn't even have any plan on what to do which is pretty stupid.

Also, she barely did anything for the rebellion to be honest. She cared too much about her reputation she ended up not doing shit. Why did MHY write her like that despite her being the poster character for Inazuma, idk.

Also it was pretty naive of her to depend the fate of the Vision Hunt on a fucking foreigner that she only knows from rumor. And insisting too despite Traveler rejecting the offer.

In other words, she wasn't manipulative she was just badly written that it made her look dumb.

Im sleepy now but god that removed some stressed ok gn

[theendofeverafter]

My personal Ever After High ships

No one asked but I’m doing this anyway. Here are my own EA ships. Maybe I’ll make a separate page or something on my tumblr to list them (idk the lingo here haha). I’ll include my anti-ships at the bottom because there are some I’m personally really opposed to. 

In no particular order:

SHIPS

Darling Charming x Holly O’Hair - This is probably my one of my all-time favorites. Was there sufficient interaction in the show? Hell no, they spoke to each other one (1) time on camera. But they’re perfect for each other, I swear. Darling is a knight in shining armor, and Holly has always dreamed of the whole Prince Charming thing or whatever. She writes fanfiction about it, for chrissakes. Darling can be that for her. Plus, I’ve always pictured Holly as liking girls (no matter what she said in Thronecoming lol). Appling/Dapple is nice, but I think Darling can do better than Apple.

Raven Queen x Dexter Charming - One of the only canon ships, but a good one nonetheless. I really like them together. I forgot which post spelled it out on here, but someone else said that Dexter serves as the privileged, down-to-earth guy who feels misunderstood by his family, while Raven is the rebellious girl from the “wrong side of the tracks”. Even though Raven is still wealthy as the daughter of a king and queen, she’s still an outcast. I love that kind of pairing! Dex is one of the only non-Rebels to treat Raven like a real person. Raven teaches Dex how to color outside of the lines. I think they’re a good match for each other.

Lizzie Hearts x Daring Charming - No, I will not be swayed on this. Lizzie and Daring were the OG ship and another CANON pairing. Let’s dissect: Daring is dared by his friends to get a date with her. She has high standards (as she should) and doesn’t give him the time of day. He has to prove himself to her, not use cheap tricks to get her attention. After he takes her on an adventure (getting her out of her comfort zone), she warms up to him. Then she asks him to keep their date a secret, and he does! He takes the dare’s consequence on the chin to protect her reputation. This is honestly out of character for him, which is why I’m hyping up this otherwise bare-minimum act. This friendship continues into the books, as they interact a lot in A Wonderlandiful World. Lizzie and Daring complement each other, too: she’s a responsible, dedicated princess who never loses sight of what’s important. He’s a fun-loving prince who revels in public admiration. Lizzie can teach him to be more responsible while Daring can teach her to relax and have fun.

Ashlynn Ella x Hunter Huntsman - Not much needs to be said. Ashlynn has a vegan cheerleader significant other and you don’t. Jealous? I know I am.

Kitty Cheshire x Ramona Badwolf - She was a werecat, she was a werewolf.  Can I make it any more obvious? They’re both snarky and mischievous. Plus, Kitty would have a chance to redeem herself after almost outing Cerise and her family.

Briar Beauty x Hopper Croakington II - I’m so sorry for all the straight ships :( I promise the sequel to The End of Ever After will NOT be as straight as EAH. Anyway, Briar and Hopper have so much potential. You can tell that Briar has warmed up to him throughout the series. First it was her turning him down and being grossed out by his frogginess. Then she enlists his help with the True Hearts Day dance (though I have a hunch that this was all thanks to Cupid). Then she tolerates his existence at Spring Fairest (and even saves him from being blown away on the Fairest Wheel). Then she enlists his help again with the recreation spell in Epic Winter. She likes him, people! I think Hopper is a really nice guy and a perfect love interest for Briar, who deserves everything in the world.

Duchess Swan x Sparrow Hood - I will die on this hill. They’re together in the *show* and I can prove it. After they “break up” in True Hearts Day (they were just friends then), you see them in the background together all the time. In Epic Winter, they were together when they were spying on Grimm. Why do they spend so much time together? Are they just friends? Or is there something going on between them? I think the second is much more likely. I love their dynamic and wish it was explored more in the show. Also, someone has pointed out that Sparrow’s necklace is the same shape as Duchess’s earrings. This can’t be a coincidence.

Chase Redford x Justine Dancer - I’ll admit it, this ship came out of nowhere for me. It is entirely based on the fact that I think they’d look good together. Ramona/Justine shippers are entirely valid.

Jillian Beanstalk x Lilly-Bo Peep - My final wlw relationship, unfortunately. I feel like Lilly-Bo is a girl who wants to go on adventures, but can’t because of her needy sheep. Seriously, those animals are constantly crying for her attention. Jillian is freewheeling and can help Lilly-Bo chase her dreams.

Alistair Wonderland x Bunny Blanc - The two most boring Wonderlandians deserve each other. Mattel screwed ‘em up badly. Chase/Alistair shippers are valid as well b/c I don’t even know with these two. I guess I like that they’re such close friends? And that they can’t tell that the other person has a crush on them? Who knows.

Nina Thumbell x Humphrey Dumpty - This is another wtf ship. I headcannon these two as being a year younger than the main EAH characters, and I think they’d be cute together, so it’s a ship. No questions please.

The rest of the characters will either find people outside the school to date or not date anyone at all (yes, I’ve headcannoned Cedar as asexual and aromantic, even as a “real girl”).

ANTI-SHIPS

Raven Queen x Apple White - I think @rebelliouslyeverafter had a great post on this. I’ll link it here.

Rosabella Charming x Daring Charming - This is a personal preference since I’m a hardcore Dizzie shipper. I cringe every time I watch Epic Winter because the show pretended like Daring and Lizzie weren’t romantically involved. There’s nothing wrong with the ship inherently, but I much prefer Daring being the Beast but not in love with Rosabella.

Cerise Hood x Daring Charming - Same reasonings as above, but there’s even less material to refer to with this ship (in my opinion).

Duchess Swan x Poppy O’Hair - Why.

All other ships are fine to me, even if I don’t agree with them myself. And of course, you’re free to ship whomever you like. These are just my preferences.

[abri-chan]

Okay but Kaji, self-proclaimed playboy, was actually the normal character in Evangelion. Imagine leaving bc Misato breaks up with you bc of daddy issues, and then you come back feeling like Freud dissecting these people like a frog-book of psychology.

Misato/daddy issues: Technically he did nothing wrong to her, she literally said she couldn't be with Kaji because he reminder her of her father. So dude is like, well that's fucked up Misato cuz we fucked you know, but okay, I'll wait for you like a simp. I pretend I'm a playboy, but I only sin in words, my heart and body is only for you. I will end up dead, but not before sharing classified information with you.

Ritsuko/mommy issues, attracted to old men in power for validation: So how is my other college friend doing? Ritsu, you little genius... You... You want to fuck Shinji's dad? Why? Have you seen yourself? You are brilliant, you are gorgeous. You can do better. Fix yourself. Idk date that technician girl or something, instead.

Asuka/precocious child who adults conveniently treat like a grownup when it comes to sacrificing/work, but as a child when it comes to respect and being told what to do: So this one is uncomfortable, because Asuka was como on to Kaji, but I do think it wasn't because she was attracted to him (or maybe she was like some teens have adult crushes), but rather wanted to be seen as adult. She was too smart for her age, and adults abused her by putting her in charge of solving their problems, but conveniently she is still a child who doesn't get to say how she is to be treated: adults say pilot that robot and she must. Doesn't matter that she is smarter than all these adults. Deep down, she wants to validate herself as being an adult, bc she thinks that's the only way she will get respect, since as a child she doesn't and adults are authority. Hence she comes on to an older guy who has not treated her badly so far. Which puts Kaji in an uncomfortable position, because he is not a pedophile, but he also has the responsibility to remind this girl that he sees her as a child; nothing more. You gotta be careful how you handle crushes of teens or children on you. (To clarify, precocious in the IQ dimension, which makes adults see Asuka as mature for her age. Conveniently ignoring she is emotionally and physically a child, hence she cannot be expected to act like an adult.)

Rei: Oh so you're basically Shinji's mom.

Shinji: Well, now I know why Asuka crushes on me. (But technically Shinji is also abused and mistreated and lied to by adults around him, hence it fucked up his mind.)

The only other normal guy is the professor/supervisor? of Shinji's dad and mom, but he has no effective power, and is probably kept around by Gendo for 1)sentimental value, 2) bc he's the only person that both knows enough about Gendo and is smart enough for Gendo to find value in conversing with.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #363

(one more that’s a late upload from way earlier in the day, and i yet again don’t feel like updating the answers)

What brings out the worst in you? When I'm very anxious or having a PTSD episode, I can become very snappy and just not a joy to be around. What all did you eat today? This morning I had oatmeal, I had a rice cake as a snack, and lunch was ham and cheese on a tortilla. Some people were really destructive as a child, were you? No, I was a good kid. Who was the last person you were in a car with? My mom. Who was the last person you cried in front of? It was probably Mom. Do you talk about your feelings or hide them? I usually talk about them somewhere, like in surveys if I feel I can't with anyone else. Please be vocal with your feelings. It is so destructive to let them build up. Who was the last person you were with that smelled REALLY good? I'm unsure. Do you know anyone that is gothic? A good number of people, myself included at least in spirit. ;~; I can't really afford good attire, nor do I have the patience for so much makeup maintenance. Have you seen UP? I actually haven't seen the full movie, but I'd like to. How is your mom? Stressed as fuck and tired of everything. What color hair does your mom have? She recently dyed it black. Her hair is growing back totally gray now and she hated it. She's gotten so self-conscious as she's aged. When was the last time you were told you were cute? Idk. Do you feel comfortable getting up and giving speeches? FUCK NO. Have you ever dipped french fries in a frosty? I tried it once and did not get the appeal. Did you have school/class today? No. My school endeavors are done. Do you have any paintings in your room? If so, of what? Yeah, I have my big painting of meerkats grooming above all my 'kat plushies. Have you ever had your photo professionally taken? As a child and by school photographers, anyway. Would you prefer eating jello or pudding? Pudding. After washing your hair, do you put any products in it? No. Last time you ate a salad? Like a week ago when we went to Ichiban for my sister's bday. Do you know how old your house is? No, I don't. Have you ever been described as ”adorable”? Yeah. Have you ever given a lap dance? No. They seem incredibly awkward to me?? Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make mega bucks? No. I can't do a job I hate for anything. I would be so depressed. Are you a moody person? Yes. What are you listening to? I'm watching Gab Smolders' new episode of Resident Evil 8: Village. I'm deadass watching four different LPers play it, I'm only moderately obsessed lmao. What video game could you waste the most time on? WoW, given it has like a zillion different things to do. Yet I still get bored lmao. What is your favorite condiment? Maybe Ketchup? I think I use that for the most things. What is the worst thing that you have ever done? I don't feel like getting into this. How old were you when your parents gave you the "birds and the bees" talk? They didn't; I learned in my school's sex ed in the 5th grade. Have you ever questioned whether or not you'd benefit from therapy? I have benefited from it. What would you like it to say on your gravestone? Hypothetically, idk. But I'd rather be cremated. Would you ever wear real leather or animal fur? NO. Have you ever completely failed a year of school and had to repeat a grade? No. Have you ever been bitten by an animal that wasn't a cat or a dog? Which? I think my old baby iguana bit me once or twice, not that it was very painful at her young age. I can't recall another animal. What type of literature are you most likely to read? (book, magazine, etc) Books. Do you prefer using candles, wax melts, or incense? Incense. Are you someone who actually doesn't have a Facebook? No, I have one. What kind(s) of Facebook groups are you active in, if any? I'm not really *active* in any; I just observe them and interact via "like"s. I'm actually in a whole lot of groups, though. Do you enjoy any herbal or fruit teas? What kinds? Neither. Do you hear any animals right now? No. What are your thoughts on Avenged Sevenfold? I know and like a few songs, especially "Dear God." Do you like Batman? Yeah, I like his "refuse to murder" ideology. The only thing is I kinda have a bad connection attached to him, because Batman was Jason's thing. Have you ever played fetch with a dog? Yes. Does your house have a fireplace? Yeah actually, but it might be fake? I don't even know lol. Have you ever pet a stingray? No. Have you ever dissected a baby pig in a class at school? Oh my god, no. I literally could never. I did dissect a frog in the 7th grade that wound up to be pregnant, though... I wasn't happy about it, but at the same time it was very interesting. Who is the last baby you held? My niece. Do you like Sunkist? The orange kind is fine, but the STRAWBERRY flavor? Jfc I love that shit. Would you ever consider being a cannibal? UM NO Do you have any scars from an animal? I have a lot of scars on my hands from playing with Roman. I scar extremely easily, so just his little scrapes leave marks. Have you ever seen an Igloo? No. Do you like Korn? Love 'em. How many animals do you have? Really two, but we have three in the house right now. Idk when this dog is going away. Are you more afraid of tornadoes or hurricanes? Tornados. Ever rode in a helicopter? No. Do you like rabbits? Yes, they're adorable. Do you like mushrooms? NO. What was the last movie you cried at? I want to say Logan, but I'm not sure. I watch movies so rarely that I really don't know. Would you rather work for a small or large company? Small. I'd feel more useful. What is the rudest thing a guy has ever done to you? I don't know. Have you ever read the book 13 Reasons Why? Yeah. I thought it was good, but now I don't remember like... anything about it. What did you have for breakfast this morning? I had apple and cinnamon oatmeal. How many times have you read your favorite book? Just once. I don't re-read books. Have you ever been on Omegle? No. Are you still in love with one of your exes? "In love," no. Do you think being born was a mistake? Yeesh, no. Has a relative ever been arrested? My psychotic uncle (by marriage) has been. Was it a serious crime? Quite honestly, I don't remember. I just know he's an angry and dangerous motherfucker. Do you think the Fountain of Youth exists? No. How about in a parallel dimension? Doubtful. Do you believe humans are part of a giant alien experiment? I ponder over the possibility of being a research simulation, kind of like a much advanced version of The Sims, but I honestly doubt it. Have you ever been suicidal? Yes. Was it a passing phase or is it something controlled by medication? Therapy and medication saved me. Is there a holiday you wish no one celebrated? Which is it? Why do you feel that way? Fight me about Christopher Columbus Day. He didn't discover shit. Have you taken any writing classes? How about art? I've taken a writing course in college, and I've taken loads of art classes. What’s your all-time favourite band? How about all-time fave singer? Ozzy Osbourne; Freddie Mercury. What three songs do you want played at your funeral? Why those particular songs? "Like A Woman" by Alice Cooper, "Life Is Beautiful" by Sixx A.M., and "Angels on the Moon" by Thriving Ivory. I just like them and find them suiting. Do you think most mythological creatures exist? No. Have you ever had lice? No. What is one superstition that freaks you out? Why is that? I’m not superstitious. Are either of your parents retired yet and if not, what do they do? No. Dad is a mailman, and while Mom doesn't ~officially~ work yet because she's recovering from intense cancer treatment, she very recently resumed lightly cleaning a church for a small payment. Kinda like a warmup. When did you or do you want to move out of your parents’ house? I wanna move out once I'm in a long-term, stable relationship with someone so we can live together. Me living alone is NOT a good idea. How do you like your current job, or if you’re unemployed, have you been looking for employment? I don't have a job, but when I go to my tattoo appointment, I'm going to ask them if they'd be interested in hiring someone for the front desk. I think it's def something I could do because I love the environment, there's really not that much I need to know (like where the Doritos are, dealing with exact change, answering a dozen unique questions), it's not insanely busy, and the occasional phone call would challenge my anxiety and just be a minor inconvenience to me until I got used to it. My partial hospitalization program really got me wanting to fight back against what gives me anxiety, to truly expose myself to what scares me, while not going totally overboard with it. It was encouraging to hear my therapist there thought it was a magnificent idea for me. I decided I wanted to ask while at the parlor getting work done to show serious interest (like I'm not just some random chick walking in and asking for a job), as well as let the people warm up to me. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, but damn am I wishing. I want it so badly. What kind of booze did you last take shots of? I've never taken shots.