#idk why the trauma has been kinda difficult for like the past 2 days

[kaypeace21]

i’m a survivor too, and i found that certain scenes/stuff will said just really struck me as ‘csa-survivor’-like? i felt a bit uncomfortable about headcanoning it happening to someone else, especially for a fandom as wild as this one, but your metas have really been a comfort to me because they’ve been able to pick out and explain things that i couldn’t necessarily find the words for myself.

and yeah, i would love to have a character like me that is powerful and who finds love and who gets a happy ending. the people who call the theory disgusting always kinda hit wrong with me because although csa is a difficult subject, we shouldn’t be ashamed about sharing it. they sound like they’re trying to say that it’s a bad topic to talk about and implying that it can’t happen to kids, which uhhhhh-

(i’m sure that’s not what they mean, precisely, but it’s still what they sound like, and i wish that they would stop implying that we can’t exist, especially in popular media. we do, and i’m not gonna pretend we don’t, and if they feel uncomfortable with the topic they can just use the block button. we deserve to have some well written representation just as much as anyone else. also, i really really hope that will gets a happy ending.)

anywayyyy i love your theories and i can see your post in the tag so i think you’re fine?? have a good day ❤️❤️❤️

SORRY, this ask took so long to respond to. It always warms my heart to hear other survivors speak and say they found comfort in my theory.

Yes, I think I and a lot of c*a/r*pe victims (subconscious or otherwise) were triggered by some of the symbolism/visuals in s1-3. And s3 made it hard for most of us to ignore the past imagery- since s3 wasn’t as subtle.

I get why people have reservations about the theory. But the debates to the contrary are usually just plain offensive. Or people trying to be respectful but being the opposite. There’s the obvious bad-apples . I got many anons after part 1 of my DID theory saying it “ruined/tainted byler”, and “if that happened to Will i’ll stop shipping byler” , or that it  “ruins the best gay character” ,  and to “remove the post immediately”. And this was when I was open about being a gay c*a victim. I obviously blocked them. Many survivors don’t come forward because they’re afraid people will see them as “tainted”, “ruined”, “ just their trauma”, or blame them for what happened. So yeah, it pisses me off when people say similar stuff about Will (and thus other c*a victims). Not even diving into the messed up psychology about byler/mileven shippers (knowing i was a lesbian c*a victim) but purposely spreading bs rumors about me being a p*do that was into Will/Noah-all because of the theory. -_-

Then there’s the people who try to be “respectful” but literally do the opposite.

I’ve heard numerous times it’s somehow “less offensive” to just use r*pe imagery to make monsters scary. Rather than have  the monsters have that imagery cause Will created the monsters from his memory/imagination-and st is a story of Will healing from that trauma. SORRY- I disagree. Using the worst experiences of peoples’ lives (and triggering their trauma) for no real purpose- except to make their monsters scarier to the normal/general audience who haven’t gone through it so won’t be triggered like us - is MORE OFFENSIVE to victims! NOT LESS! At least to me.

Then there’s the people who say “c*a should never be talked about (in stories).” Which I disagree with. V*ctims have already been told by ab*ser’s  and enablers of the ab*ser- to never talk about what happened to us  . So it rubs A LOT of us the wrong way when people say this.  Because (subconscious or not) you remind some of us of the people who used to hurt/silence us. People say this -simply for their convenience (like ab*sers) and cause deep down they’re uncomfortable with our existence and equate the despicable act to us the innocent v*ctim ...or just want to deny the horrible reality of the situation (like many enablers who deny the truth and hurt us because they don’t want to accept reality) . And 1) It brings us back to a time where they told us to NEVER talk about it- and makes us feel like we did something wrong when we didn’t! 2) Every psych professional says with-holding/keeping the ab*se a secret is detrimental to our mental health.

Plus, there’s a HUGE difference between sugarcoating/minimizing trauma or WORSE glamorizing, condoning, or romanticizing C*A in stories (ex: pretty little liars) VS showing how the action is wrong, causes trauma, but showing recovery and happiness is still possible for v*ctims.  if the story shows how accurately traumatizing it is (instead of minimizing/glamorizing it)- it’s incredibly rare for that character to get a happy ending. Having a story about recovering from that type of trauma and finding happiness despite such hardships would be amazing for US survivors! We rarely get stories with a happy ending-  it’s more harmful to us survivors to never see ourselves get happy endings in tv/film/books. How can some survivors (in a dark place) think there’s a light at the end of the tunnel- if it’s never shown?Also if Will has DID too- it’s good mental health rep, along with queer rep (and survivor’s rep.) All 3 groups rarely are treated well or get happy endings in media. A lot of people may feel more heard, seen, and a bit more hopeful for the future - If Will (and other characters) get a happy ending.

And even though st has many themes- like say homophobia. To try and hand-wave all the disturbing  r*pe imagery away  as ‘Will is just gay so the monsters are like that”. IS SOOOOOO offensive. Trigger warning for examples. I’m sorry what part of Max saying when Billy had c*nsensual s*x it’s “good screams” but when possessed by the mf he causes Heather to do “bad screams” read as gay???! Having the possessed ch*ke/dr*g people before throwing them in trunks (like it’s implied Lonnie did to Will -since Jonathan checked Lonnie’s trunk for Will in s1)?Tying their arms and legs up/ g*ging  them and  getting on top of them and saying “stay VERY still it’ll all be over soon”-before a monster shoves it’s tentacle into someone’s mouth and inserts a goo - just gay??? Similar to the sentient vine/shadow monster forcing itself down Will’s throat. Let alone Will saying things like “he made me do it”, “i felt it everywhere”, or being tied to a bed and screaming “help! stop! it hurts! let me go!” While Jonathan is the only one who’s visibly triggered by this and has to literally turn away and hug someone . Or barb, billy, and El spiting up a white liquid from their mouth (similar to will spitting up a slug and lying to his mother about it ).El/billy touching a suspicious looking slime with their hand and looking at the substance confused . El drawing Papa with 3 legs (the middle one being shorter) ,  trying to undress in front of the boys , and Benny saying “I think she’s been ab*sed or something”.The theme of ab*sive dads- brenner , Lonnie, and Neil . Even when the demogorgan (called in d&d the “deep father”/ in the show “a man without a face”) attacked Barb it’s chopped up with scenes of Nancy having c*nsensual sex (the monsters are doing the opposite symbolically). There’s way more examples but NO- to try and hand wave /equate ALL OF THIS to just “gay imagery” or an “a*ds metaphor” is WAY more problematic. And just offensive (specifically to gay people) than just admitting what it may actually represent. R*pe imagery and gay imagery is NOT THE SAME THING!

Also ST has never been a kid show- maybe rewatch the show and see the rating of tv-14 . Goodness sake- s1 has a st*ged su*icde, k*dnappings, m*rder, discussions of physics, h*mophobia, and s*x (with stancy in s1 & jancy in s2-s3). S2/3 discuss at their finalies recovering from tra*ma . S2 had gra*ic de*ths,  a man causing a women br*in damage/ and faking her m*scarriage, and a gang of vigalantes k*lling criminals. s3 had critiques on capitalism /media/s*xism, many d*eaths, and questionable imagery like the prior seasons. The Duffers constantly reference  movies & events from the 80s (capitalizing on 80s nostalgia /subverting 80s motifs that middle age people  from that time remember)! Those people were their intended age demographic . Most 80s centric refs go over most kids’ heads (heck a lot went over my head too since I wasn’t alive in the 80s XD).The Duffers even said in the book “worlds turned upsidedown”  “it’s not a kid’s show despite having kids”. And maybe it’s a coincidence but when Lucas in s3 hands Will the “devil’s baby” firework (a hint about Lonnie) he says “18 and over only.” Which idk is a weird/random af line unless it’s foreshadowing that the show will get darker about various themes- and maybe even change ratings.

I get people wishing nothing bad ever happened to Will or Jonathan. And being apprehensive and not trusting the Duffers to do such a story justice (cause it’s difficult to do). But personally i trust them to do so tastefully with tact and not be exp*itative, (overly gr*fic) or offensive to v*ctims. You can disagree and think the show is about something else (or not trust the Duffers)- but it’d be great if people could stop using these other messed up talking points. While trying to appear ‘(fake) woke’ and like they care for victims- cause we see through it that you really don’t.

Have a lovely day anon ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Update- I just really agreed with and appreciate the tags in this reblog

[cupofkey]

Yo same anon here! I didn’t want to make you feel like you were ghosted or anything but at the same time I didn’t want to reply with my account because I don’t really use tumblr a lot anymore. Tbh I’m not really very interactive with the fandom anymore either, but I kind of went on a nostalgia trip one day and found your account which I liked :) It’s hard to just compute how identity can me so complicated by history but I guess I try not to get to bogged down by it? 1/2

oh don’t even worry about it dude! I feel ya it’s all good, and this is a subject that can be so so difficult for us hyphenated people lol. always happy to discuss topics like that, and I don’t mind hearing lots from anons so dwdw :) I feel like identity is something everyone feels they should know 100% about themselves, but nobody starts out like that and getting there isn’t an easy task. time and age can help, but, yeah. it’s a huge mess. I feel you there.

ok but this is not cringe at all let me tell u... I have a super complicated but almost kinda loving relationship with being an american (summed up pretty well here i think). I feel that a lot, I am not an idealist in any way but I try to look at things from all angles and roll with it all. like I said I think time and age can definitely help here. but growing up is so fucking confusing and scary and I 1000% relate. I think just focusing on doing good with what you have is a great way to go about it, 17 is so fucking turbulent, like, I promise it’s not always gonna be this ?!?!?!?!?! I promiseeee. 

being VietAm especially is so... it’s such a space to be in, because the foundations of our ~hyphen identity~ are almost universally built from trauma. I don’t think many of our parents and relatives have really dealt with any of this conflict either, so def don’t feel bad abt feeling lost. I’ve discussed this with some of the other viets in my life and I think it’s really important to consider that collective trauma in all discussions about vietam identity. nobody talks about it. nobody wants it to be real. so the trauma just permeates through everyone’s lives and becomes so firmly rooted in our community, we get RVN nationalists storming the capitol holding the south vietnamese flag. we get vietam kids who are completely cut off from their heritage or past in the name of complete assimilation and escape from that trauma. idk it is super complicated it’s not just you and there’s so much to it. I still struggle super hard with this.

lol yes i love AsAm tiktoks I appreciate the energy. I appreciate the endless clowning on viet men. I appreciate their community. I will say probably a part of why I’m so fixated on maintaining my vietnamese now is because I completely lack that community? I live in a predominantly white area where I see a non-family viet person maybe... once every few months? that’s my way of coping, anyway. I’m definitely not perfect though and I think my accent’s been slipping pretty hard too TT you’re not alone I promise ksdjfksdfj. anyways yes japan colonizer and what about it

ah yeah this is super relatable to me. I mean, I’ve said this before, but I’m honestly not sure how I suddenly fell into the niche of “historical asian nations content”. my original focus was “everyone is a lesbian now”. I almost exclusively write AUs, the more AU the better, the more character focused the better, history might as well not exist for me and my writing. headcanon posts are the furthest I can go otherwise it’s just lesbian stupidity... and yeah, sometimes you just need the dumb lesbians. I’m definitely never inspired enough by historical hetalia to make actual writing about it. so yea you’re not alone here either my dude. this is not a read but I feel your confusion and anxiety radiating through and I promise promise you are definitely not alone here. I have super mixed feelings abt hetalia too,,,

yea idk if you’ve read my big vietnam post but the last part about diaspora is realness for me. the truth is that nationverse/historical is just too fucking complicated for me. there is just way too much that goes into this stuff to condense down into nation people, much less nation people who are actually likeable or, ya know, like real people and not inhuman beings. I am 100% a character growth focused person. that’s kind of moot when you have all these questions about like what does the nation even represent etc etc it just eats up my whole brain. like, I fundamentally can’t get with nationverse, which is why I will not be writing anything serious with it for the foreseeable future. (none of this is disrespect or judgment to nationverse creators, I 1000% enjoy yalls content, I just could never make it myself because of all the contradictions I would have to balance in my own mind.)

I kinda returned your rant with an even larger rant hopefully that’s okay djfksdjfksd. I hope this made sense and I hope it made you feel a little less alone with how ?!?!?!?!! you feel cuz I feel the exact same about all of this. like I said pls feel free to dm me on here or msg my discord key#9973 anytime, I am always up for chatting with fellow vietams, and incorporating these kinds of convos into my life has really helped me personally with processing all the complexities of my identity. it’s really fucking hard to do. like I said our families and community still have a long way to go in that regard. but it’s good to try. sending hugs your way <3

[assless-chapstick]

Howdy feller, I just got a new tattoo and it's got me thinking if anyone in the couch au has tattoos? If so, which is their favorite? Lemme know cause I love them inked bois

Feller, I love this question SOFUCKING MUCH. I worked so fuckin hard on it, I even MADE ILLUSTRATIONS. IWORKED. SO HARD. This is one of my favourite questions of all time and I hopeyou like my answers!! Anyway…

Charles doesn’t have any tattoos,and with his dark complexion it might be difficult – the ink of tattoos sitsunder the melanin layer of the epidermis, I’m told, so even white ink doesn’t showup particularly well on very dark black and brown folks. I don’t think he’d bemuch interested in them, either, cuz he wants to be a lawyer, right? So heneeds to maintain some professionalism. He already gets dragged for his hair (whichis some institutionalized racism that he refuse to bow to, in court he wears itin a bun), so he doesn’t really want to stand out any more than he already doesin his profession.

Arthur is a professionalautomechanic and freelance contractor/electrician/plumber, so for him itdoesn’t matter as much. He’s got both ears pierced (3 in his right, 2 in hisleft) and after too surgery he got his right nipple pierced – he only has onenipple, cuz  the left didn’t survive topsurgery, so it’s tattooed on instead. But that’s not his first or only tattoo!

Back when he thought he was justa Butch Lesbian, he got that like, interlocked Female symbols thing tattooed onhis shoulder, which, once he realized he was trans was a HUGE yike for him… hehad a moment where he was like “aw shit” and started cry-laughing about he uglyirony of it. He’s since had that covered up with a rose and horseshoe designand a nice banner that says like, “Keep on Pushin’” or something

Hes also got a Colt Single ActionArmy Peacemaker revolver on his left shoulder blade, mostly cuz he thinks gunsare cool… But also because Peacemaker, and the beatitude goes “Blessed are thePeacemakers, for they will be called Sons of God.” I think he’s not religious, buthe has a lot of Feelings about religion, and that line always stuck with him –to be a son, rather than a daughter, and to be loved by a god he was told hatedhim.

On the back of his calf, he’s gotthe silhouettes of three galloping horses – one for Dutch, one for Hosea, andone for John. Arthur loves horses almost as much as he loves dogs.

When Charles and Arthur get married,they exchange rings, but because of his lifting and working with his hands, hedoesn’t wear it most days; it hangs on a chain around his neck, or lives on thebedside table. He mostly only wears it on his finger on like, SpecialOccasions. To make up for that, cuz he’s so fuckin dumb proud of his beautifulhandsome husband, he of course gets a band tattooed on his ring finger. When hesees it, Charles rolls his eyes and is like “You didn’t have to do that, you’renot gonna forget we’re married,” and Arthur is all “yeah, but I don’t wantANYONE to forget we’re married.”

Javier has one only tattoo, anoutline of the border of Mexico on his chest above his heart. He was born there,and even though they left when he was in his early teens, he had a lot of goodmemories there and it’s his home and he loves it.

When his mama saw it, she cried –she’s religious, your body is a temple, you damaged the body I gave you, etcetc. She never really lets it go but they get over it and she still loves him.

I save John for last cuz Johnis…. A mess.

I think John got his first stickn poke when he was like, 14, and has made a lot of Bad Choices since then… He’sgot a lot of random shit he thought was cool or edgy at the time and low-keyregrets now.

Notably, he’s got a little bow,like the bow on a pair of panties, on his lower tummy, right in the public area;his happy trail grows over it if he doesn’t shave it, but he does…He’s also gota cherry on his hip, and the word “fag” on his upper thigh (when Javier askedhim about that one, he kinda clammed up, didn’t wanna talk about it… he’sembarrassed of that one, knows it wasn’t a healthy way to cope with hisfeelings but it’s there and a part of him and he refuses to regret it).

He’s got a tramp-stamp, becauseof course he does, though I’m not sure what of… I think maybe like, crossed revolvers,some barbed wire, something like that.

And then just like, a randomassortment of things; a dead opposum on his calf, a skull on his shoulder, ahanging tree on his bicep, a set of fangs… I think he’s got a wolf somewhere, too.The Wolf is important, cuz he’s been afraid of dogs since he was a kid, sincehe got attacked, and getting that one was like, part of him claiming his past andhis trauma and conquering it.

He also definitely, definitelyhas knuckle tatts that say like, WOLF KING. And I think, underneath it all,being so tatted is a defense mechanism for him, like, if he’s tatted andpierced, people will be looking at that, instead of his scars or the small,scared kid that he still has inside him…. Idk

Cuz yeah, he’s also pierced. He’sgot his bellybutton and tongue done for thotty reasons, and then probably alabret, a nostril ring, and then a helix or something. He’s also got plugs,though they’re not super huge; at max he’s maybe a 0? I think he’s kind ofafraid they’ll catch on something as he runs…

He’s also super horny for like,genital piercings. He jerks off thinking about getting railed by a big hardcock with a ladder of barbells through the shaft, a dick so full of metal itstretches him in weird ways and chips his teeth when they fuck his face –that’s one of those times where, as he’s wiping his hand on the bedspread, he’sstaring up at the ceiling like “why am I like this why am I like this why am Ilike this”

Doesn’t have a dick piercing ofhis own, though!! He’s just a little too chicken, and he’s pretty sure Arthurwould never forgive him … though the prospect of having a ring he could clip aleash to, get pulled around by, that has him thinking about it real hard…

I think that’s all there is,feller!! Here are some pics for reference!! Keep in mind John probably has ajillion more shitty stick n pokes not pictured cuz im lazy and not verycreative lol here is a link to a better post of the pictures! 

[tamayokny]

thoughts on dark phoenix. spoilers below.

if you don’t want to read all of this, skip to the bottom where it’s all summarized?

first, i came in knowing that i would be disappointed in the film in some way but still, i was excited! the x-men are my life; my family.

anyway...

the first hour...idk lowkey the editing threw me off. it was lowkey...uh...bad. at least some parts were. i really enjoyed the last hour.

liked the x-men in space scene...and when miss jean grey absorbed the phoenix force? RIIIIIIIISE!

before i continue let me just say: i love you sophie belinda turner jonas. stay iconic; a legend and you did great with what you were given! fuck everyone who said you “ruined [x-men and game of thrones] in the same year” (yeah, i saw that in a facebook comment! lmao i HAVE to laugh at that.)

i’m glad the movie covered charles’s flaws as a teacher, if only a little bit. from experience, i know that you should not repress trauma like that because it will rise and be...a mess. so they covered that well.

i've also seen a lot of arguments over charles xavier’s character in dark phoenix and honestly? i thought it was fine. it reflected his comic counterpart more in recent years. (y’all should be happy that scott didn’t kill him in this movie! lol)

rip to mrs. smith and the rest of her dinner party (the husband was kind of a dick, though).

as much as i love jessica chastain, i really didn’t like the antagonists in this film. they provided a GREAT fight scene and conflict in the peak moments of the film, but i wish they focused on the bond between jean grey and the phoenix more, as well as how it affected the team.

AND BEFORE I FORGET: DAZZLER CAMEO DAZZLER CAMEO!! I loved it.

the confrontation between jean and her teammates outside of her father’s house was great. i liked when kurt tried to stop her and they went through the walls. OUCH when quicksilver got hurt though...i felt that.

also: remember when we all thought quicksilver was going to be one of the deaths? lmao

speaking of deaths...mystique really is dead and honestly? thank god. i hated how they’ve written her character in the past two movies. it also doesn’t help that i dislike the actress...her best movies were first class and days of future past but once they started to put her on the hero route? no thanks

i’m sad that they never explored or outright stated that mystique is kurt’s biological mother. (for the non-comic fans: kurt is the son of azazel and mystique.)

hank’s grieving and his lashing out on charles...and then he went to magneto so they could kill jean...good job nicholas 

i must ask: what was the relationship between beast/mystique? like where they romantically involved or still kind of tip toe-ing around? some scenes implied they had feelings for sure but....idk

GENOSHA, BABY! GEN-O-SHA!

jean entering this mutant haven was beautiful but magneto’s entrance? omg i lowkey wanted to laugh. magneto remains to be dramatic and i love it

i also liked the helicopter scene

okay so back with the team:

peter got hurt so you don’t see him until the very end of the film

kurt was used pretty well

ororo was underused when it came to the dialogue department. my girl barely said anything BUT: her action scenes were amazing and i’ll get to that in a minute

to the surprise of no one, while kurt remained hopeful but wary and ororo believed jean to be dangerous (which, she is and was), scott was on charles’s side and firmly believed that they could bring jean back. 

i wish the dark phoenix was able to cement the scott/jean relationship more because while i knew they were a couple, it would probably be difficult to know how serious they were. (yes, some scenes showed it but idk how impactful they were?)

okay so fast forward a bit: jean and vuk (jessica chastain) are in new york so magneto, hank, and two other mutants on their side are there to kill jean, and then the x-men show up to save/stop that from happening.

this fight scene was pretty cool...especially when magneto brought that subway car above ground and used it to enter the building jean and vuk were in...magneto, ever the dramatic king who i love

the charles/jean moment...heartfelt. like i mentioned, this covered one important aspect of the dark phoenix saga: xavier's faults. he believed he was doing the right thing and when jean saw how her (biological) father reacted to her...she understood. while i believe what charles did was fucked up and i still would have been pissed, i would have forgiven him like jean did, because he gave her hope and a chance. it was hope to help her manage her abilities, and a chance to life as a mutant because let’s face it, if she would have gone in the child services system she would have been fucked.

and then like any other x-men movie: the government got involved, subdued all the mutants (scott blasted vuk out the building, so she wasn’t captured), and they were locked and loaded on the train. jean got isolated from the rest of them.

BEFORE I CONTINUE: when scott said “i’ll fucking kill you!”...i almost started laughing. i’m sorry, but it’s the truth.

anyway on the train: vuk and the rest of the alien shapeshifters come to wreck shit up and the killed most of the guard (which caused kurt to go on a killing rampage after one of them died in front of him....okay. i was kinda impressed tbh, despite most depictions of kurt would probably not do that.)

the mutants fucked shit up! i think the 2 mutants that helped magneto were both killed though, which made me :// like really? k.

which reminds me: i wish psylocke and jubilee were in dark phoenix but the actresses had other film commitments, so i understand and forgive. also...still said about angel and his fate in apocalypse :( angel is always the most mistreated out of the original 5 lmao.

anyway that train fight scene was really good...despite barely having dialogue (:/) SHE KICKED ASS. and when erik destroyed part of the train? KIIIIIIIING!!!!!

BUT THEN JEAN UNLEASHED PHOENIX AGAIN!!! AND SHE FUCKING TOOK THAT TRAIN, PROTECTED HER FAMILY, AND DESTROYED THE REMAINING ALIENS. FUCKING QUEEN! MCU CAPTAIN MARVEL WHO???? MCU WANDA??? MCU THOR???? NO. JUST JEAN GREY BITCHES.

jean sacrificed herself...i remember reading something that said “2 confirmed x-men deaths” and i knew it was going to be mystique and jean

but honestly i was thinking “three deaths” because fuck, i thought jean was going to kill scott! like i’m disappointed how they didn’t focus on jean’s destruction on everyone and being like...evil. lmao i was really hoping but simon you played me, huh. (great marketing i guess?)

jean died but didn’t die, knowing how jean grey is lmao

they renamed the school after jean and i’ve seen people being salty about it LMAO....they renamed the school for jean in the comics (it changed back eventually...?) so stay mad

people are also mad that charles retired and fucked off to paris adfcrvhfbg

while i don’t think charles would have retired (well...that could be debatable?), i think for the end of FOX x-men, it was okay

also erik offering charles a place to stay in paris???? fucking PARIS??? THE CITY OF LOVE??????????? I’M FUCKING LOSING IT!!!!

AND THAT GAME OF CHESS BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!

the very last shot was of the sky, where you could see the phoenix in the air......yoooooooOOOOOOOOO

okay so before i tell you all my summary, let’s talk about why dark phoenix may not have done so well, or at least part of it:

the mutants are now owned by disney, since the disney/fox merge became official (fuck). so, because of this, dark phoenix had to go through reshoots (which brought us that glorious train fight). apparently, the dark phoenix saga was going to be in three parts but because of the merge...that’s not happening. so, dark phoenix is officially the last x-men movie (unless you count new mutants that will be released on disney+, last i've heard). so, because of this, i think this last movie left a lot of fans unsatisfied because we all know that there should have been more to the story, and they had it planned out! unfortunately...disney has to fucking buy everything.

another reason: the x-men/fox superheros are not as hyped as the MCU/disney superheroes. you know this. i know this. and after a few releases from the MCU this year? the x-men didn’t stand a chance. let me also add: fuck the critics, there’s been such a disconnect between them and the audience for years. i’m not saying dark phoenix was perfect, but it’s not as horrific as people (critic and audience) have been saying.

now, the final thoughts and summary: 

i went into the theatres knowing it wasn’t going to be the best thing ever. it was average; that’s the best i can describe it. it had good moments and it had bad moments. jean grey as dark phoenix was not as antagonistic as i hoped and while i enjoy jessica chastain, I really didn’t like the villains of the film. i wish chastain was the “physical embodiment” or whatever it was of the phoenix like many speculated. dark phoenix should have focused on jean (which it did but...), her relationships with her teammates, scott, xavier (it did brush on it), and other core values of the dark phoenix saga. it would have been great to see this all play out but unfortunately, things change.

thank you, fox, for twenty years of the x-men. just like how they changed the comic book industry (they made marvel comics), the very first x-men movie is the reason why we have our many superhero films today. remember that. good luck with them MCU, and don’t you fucking dare mess them up!

let me also add a thank you to the x-men cast. with dark phoenix, they all certainly gave their best. sophie did it, and i will miss tye sheridan as cyclops. most of all, i think i will miss michael fassbender as magneto. while he may not be jewish, he certainly gave his all. he really studied magneto and i respect and admire him for that. also rip to rose byrne as moira mactaggert. where the fuck was she when the events of dark phoenix went down??

[haepipillbud]

032221

it’s over..

I knew it was coming soon. just not this soon. 

there was still so many things I wanna know about him and do with him. so many memories I wanna make.. 

this is probably one of the longest posts I’ll ever do and definitely add more too as time goes on, but it’s definitely not the sign that I’ve moved on. that’s for a different entry. 

by the time I’m writing this part, it’s been well over a week since we broke up. it’s April 2 now.

for the past week all I’ve been thinking about is me honestly. and him. I wanna genuinely know if he’s doing well but he claims he is, I somewhat don’t buy it tho. in my perspective I’m kinda jealous of him because he’s a natural quiet guy and he can get away with looking sad and having mood swings. I live in a household where any sad emotion is not acceptable. they dig onto you and it always boils down to them trying to solve it with you when you want to solve it by yourself. it’s toxic.

we still talk. which I was told is a bad idea since memories are still fresh. I’ve told him about how I walk sometimes in the morning to clear my head, when I wake up accidentally. what he doesn’t know is that every time I do, I cry my head off which results to a whole day of headaches and migranes the next day. (which again I have to mask because weakness is not applicable to me in this family) 

he doesn’t know that I sat in that bench in the upper forest, that I hung out in the exact spot we first laid under the stars, in the swing where we chill after our long walks with friends, I pass by the house we used to trespass in, I pass by other houses we could’ve trespassed in. I also listen to sad instrumentals and our voice messages to each other while doing all this and I just let it all out. 

it hurts during those 2 hours. i miss him so much.

but it’s easier to fake that nothings wrong the next day, that’s also why I do it.

honestly I wish he’d come with me sometime. but I’m sure he doesn’t want any... intimate time between us yet.. it’s too soon. too romantic.

on the other hand I was doing well doing just that until I had a bad day at home, told a friend which she turned the conversation by saying “maybe you should also get rid of your emotional baggage”. she means my feelings for him and the way I’ve been interacting with him because it’s not healthy for each of us. 

it messed me up real bad. i had a panic attack and another s-word episode. 

what she doesn’t understand is that I want to cope with this sadness by going back to normal. before I knew he loved me. before he knew i loved him. back to when we’d just talk about movies, food and our friends. like best friends. I just want us to establish a friendship where we can tell each other anything (it’s more me doing that rn honestly) and we won’t judge each other because it’s already happening actually. boyfriend or not, he’s still my breath of fresh air. romance or not i want him close because he’s like my anchor from floating away too much with my messed up imagination. (ohmygod I’m about to cry. but again, I cannot. i must not)

but I think what I failed to see is that maybe he doesn’t want that. I may not have given him enough time and space to get over what we had too. I’ve been so selfish of him that I didn’t see if I was suffocating him with my messages, the tweets I send him, tiktoks I show him. I think I’m making it difficult for him and that makes me more upset. he said it’s okay but maybe he’s just telling me this to be nice. when in reality he wants me to stay the fuck away and give him space. 

I didn’t see this because I wanted to be selfish, I didn’t even know. ever since I could remember I grew up always the youngest the family, the weirdest in the class, the one who couldn’t keep a best friend for more than a year, the scary awesome one amongst my moms students. 

bottom line i’ve always been alone.

I’ve lived in my village for years and it took me 20 to meet my neighbors who ended up being the friends i want to keep for life. but the trauma of my childhood is still with me. that’s why I always think that I’m annoying people, that I’m not enough for anyone, that they can live their life without me. because for one my real parents can do it, why shouldn’t anyone else?  every message I send that’s left seen or not read at all add to this trauma. even if I’ve learned to mask it and say im alright, I’m really not. this quarantine, it changed all that. I became more aware of what my friends are to me. and two of them became my bestest friends. one of whom became my boyfriend for such a short period it hurts. 

but they also have their own lives. which at some point I may not be a part of anymore. I’ve always been taught that no matter what we’ve gone through, friends can replace me. even forget me.

I’m so scared of that. 

I love the movie ‘The Intern’ because Anne Hathaways character perfectly described my fear of being alone. Like for him, he’ll find a nice girl he’d want to spend the rest of his life with without having to hide or be afraid of showing to friends and family and he’ll continue living and eventually maybe forget me. heck, right now he porbably can’t even tell anyone that he was in a relationship. anyone who’d ask him in the future he’d say he’s been single all his life until his first REAL girlfriend. (ok now im crying) I’ll probably never exist in his book as someone who loved him because... we could never be accepted by others. and it’s me who’s the villain and he’s the victim because it’ll look like I seduced him or forced him or something. not that im saying it’s the other way around but some people will never understand what we had, even if we did nothing wrong. 

as I’m writing this, I’ve thought about everything we did. the sneaking, the anxiety of someone spotting us, him probably having to be extremely secretive to his family and not being able to tell stories about his girlfriend. having to make excuses just to see me. keeping our conversations, pictures of each other hidden. basically i don’t exist. I was such a big problem to him and I let it happen.

altho I had my fair share of anxieties and secrets, he must be more pained than me. being allowed but never really telling who I am or what I meant to him. 

probably I shouldn’t exist at all in anyones life. 

someday when everyone has grown up and moved on, I’m afraid I’ll be alone again. probably in my own apartment that I worked for and have friends check in. family meddle with whatever is left of my life. and when they’re gone I’m completely alone and I’ll be alone in a grave somewhere beside strangers. 

I’ve been alone all my life. 

not until recently tho. both in terms of friendship and romance. 

but I’m afraid it’s happening again. 

and Idk what I’d do without them. and him.