#if i cant draw anything ill post some old art

[abimee]

hi i can no longer act coy or hope that a job will come in time so im coming to everyone really embarassingly with my issues

in June I attempted to get fired from/left my job after having a really embarassing public meltdown due to having Rapid-Cycling Mixed Bipolar and the unending stress of that job of 3+ years. I've been struggling to get a job afterwards due to being in CA without a vehicle, and i'm currently working on an overdue commission so could not open up any more.

Soon after, my mother's car imploded, and a series of incidents related to a used engine and taking out a loan with a friend has left her both needing to pay back the loan and still needing to get a new car, putting her thousands in the hole.

my mother has allowed me to not worry about paying rent while unemployed, but now the person living with us is moving out, so it will be on me and my mother to pay rent, upping mine from $300 to $500 a month. I am currently job hunting with good prospects, but I am still in need of some assistance.

I DO NOT WANT TO ASK FOR DONATIONS WITHOUT GIVING SOMETHING IN RETURN, I have a very bad time taking help from people without doing something in return because I do not want people to feel like they Have to give me money or help me, I want to Offer something in return for that money, even in a situation like this, because I want everyone to come out on the other end feeling fulfilled, so I'm offering some (slow) cheaper commissions I can work on in between the bigger comm I owe.

My kofi is always open for donation sketches ---- you can donate the minimum amount (or whatever you prefer) and get a drawing like this of anything as long as you put it into the donation message!

i cant currently take on big commissions as I have one i owe and the commissioner is a very generous person who has been waiting a good few months for me to finish one during this hectic time, but if you're interested in getting something a little higher quality for a donation, a $30-50 USD donation can get you a ''simple commission'' styled drawing --- that is, you give me a prompt and character refferences (ocs or fanart, up to 2-3 characters depending on complexity), and I draw them like below (color complexity depends on price, the higher the amount the more the color).

You wont have access to revisions to make this as fast as possible, so i HIGHLY reccomend only getting fanart comms of these and to make sure you really like my style!!

this is one of those situations where I DEEPLY reccomend people do not donate unless they want something in return, if you dont wanna ask for a drawing or anything i reccomend going to people in more dire circumstances and helping them out with your donation!!!

but if you want to help me help my mother get out of a bad financial situation and get a little drawing in return, you can do a small dono and att a message of what you want doodled, or you can email me at cyrdrawings@gmail.com your $30-50 donation reciept and what you would like me to draw, and ill try to get them as soon as I can

thank you so much for checking this post out and keep it real old school!!!!! i promise once this is over and i get a job we'll be back to your regularly scheduled art posting

[akinachiri]

@ ppl who followed for art i prommy ill make more art soon !! 🙏🙏🙏

[ch1zzie]

The original in the bottom

Plus the picture I mainly drew but decided to draw the rest for funny

[awakened-void-deity]

Hi welcome to my hellblog! I need a new intro lol

My name is Akoth or Hol, i go by any pronouns but she/her (im not a women lol) and i do art stuff. Im 18 and thats all you need to know tbh the rest is all here just scroll down

A good majority of my blog is just pure illness so youve been warned i guess.

Oh, and importantly before i continue:

I TAKE COMMISSIONS!

So please consider messaging me! (Please) (i wanna do more commissions)

Anyway, tags of note:

#Moth Doin A Speak - for just posts like this where i talk about shit or spout actual nonsense

#Moth Makes The Arts - my art tag, youll find all my art posted under this

#Moth answers stuff - i respond to as many asks as i can actually take, usually not many, often from friends, im very tired but feel free to shoot me one!

#Moth rebagel - tag for all my reblogs

#Very fucking important - tag for must reads and important news

#Inspired.../pos - old as shit tag i cant be assed to change for stuff that makes me motivated to draw or just really mentally ill

If you ever have any questions, i am ALWAYS welcome to answer!

Some other details under the cut that arent very necessary but id like to clarify them for the sake of people's comfort:

I may occasionally post or reblog suggestive art, i am 18, this is my space, if this makes you uncomfortable just scroll away idk bro its not that serious

I am also nonhuman, i do not identify with this human body, if posts about THAT makes you uncomfortable....scroll away, it is not that serious LOL. Im just three dergs, a moth, and a fucked up shapeshifter in the trenchcoat pretending to be a person, i dont have time for this shit

If you dont like me, just scroll away!!!

My interests are extremely vast and this is the only site i do not hide fucking ANYTHING! Just ignore me if its not your style. That said, thanks to anyone who read this, i hope you enjoy your stay :3!

[neptuniadoesstuff]

Finally finished this alcoholic old guy named Beef (joke) whom I'm deff not gonna take in hostage-

(Small Warning for main pics: Does contain scars & burns but those are healed so nothing too serious)

(Danger Man McGhee on the Left, Normie Beef Man on the Right)

So I am kinda feeling better but still kinda meh atm. Anyways some art I wanted my time on & think it's not really good. (This is for a DT btw but I doubt the person I'm having the dt with will approve since kinda just... boring imo..) (Except one of my frends ON SCREb FRIKIN "SIMPS" FOR HIM BCS HE HAS A BEARD-)

(BUT UNFORTUNATELY I CANT CHNAGE THAT NOW BCS MY NECK WILL START HURTING & ILL FRIKIN H8 MYSELF AGAIN SO YAY!)

Anyways imma tell you some things about this moron:

He's a complete idiot who's a mechanic, but due to him being a idiot he often hurts himself on accident. (Which explains the burns)

He is divorced 6 TIMES! But only has one kid named Jasoer who is the child of his first spouse. (Which makes Jasper his estranged son)

He's a alcoholic & sometimes passes out from drinking a lot. (Btw kids don't drink you'll prob pass out or even die)

He's jealous of Sanchi (my Fallout OC) bcs well... Sanchi is smarter than him also bcs ANGUS IS LITERALLY JUST A STICK WHILE SANCHI CAN LITERALLY SNAP HIM IN HALF IF HE SO WANTS TO!

He gave himself the nickname "Danger Man McGhee" which is the most stupidest name to think of but hey a idiot giving himself a dum nickname is prob like "The floor is made of floor" or smtn.

Despite his stupidity & his very poor taste in men (srsly bro yur first lover literally SCRAPED YUR FRIKIN ARMS FOR SOME MALIOUS REASON), he's a good fighter, however ever since he stopped raiding, he kinda just works on machines & be lazy.

Thats really it tbh. I'm just not really to well mentally so I'm not really well motivated to actually do a thing like actually talk to ppl. (Plz don't ask why its... personal)

Some Extras:

(Warning: Does contain lots & lots of bl00d on one of the extras so beware)

01:

The Moron w/o his cloth things & GoObLeS (God just smite me down I don't wanna be here anymore).

02:

McGhee but w/o the goggles which aren't even canon to Fallout or FNV.

03:

MaN, drawing the bl00d on this one was as hard as me trying to keep my sanity & not try to frikin screech at my mom anytime she won't leave me the frik alone. (Dont... ask... Again personal stuff)

Anyways that's all for the bonuses/extras. I hope you enjoy this, or don't, just don't dictate what ppl like or not, I'm just a random ahh kid on the net who draws for a hobby/living & is very much not sane.

Credits

Character was created & designed by me.

Art is mine. (Do not take w/o permission or imma throw u off a cliff)

Program: IbisPaint.

Bubs' TOS: Plz don't repost/steal, trace, or recolor my art WITHOUT MY PERMISSION! If you do, I'll take yur femur and pelvis.. SO, DON'T THINK ABOUT IT! (The PNS on my blog's pinned post clearly means "Please No Steal" plz follow that rule.) If you do post my art on anything like yur blog or somewhere else (With my permission) PLEASE CREDIT ME!

[amethyst-marshmallow]

Tw: slight body horror(?)

IT'S YOUR FAULT

dont worry guys I DIDNT hide a teeny tiny amogus no one will see

I hate the face i already redid it twice tho and i hate this 1 the least

More under cut :) (and i mean a lot more plz check it out PLZ)

Yoo

Alt version:

i totally didnt hide anything in that one either but i think i forgor to put the gradient on them both before i saved them and i saved them wrong so i cant go back in NOOOOOOOO

Ref pictures

The more chibi ver was a doodle to kinda put the design down and the second was a more finished version

Older doodle

I used 2 draw their hair closer to canon but it was hell for me bro like i hate it sm so i changed it ik its not as canon but whatever ]]]]

Their new hair looks a bit more floaty bc i think as a spirit their hair would be sorta anitigravity and stuff but whenevr they were alive it would be flatter ill prolly post a drawing of living chara eventually so youll see that👍maybe

also the whole image has frisk in tehre also so here it is

this is pretty bad bc it was mostly just supposed to be a ref for me for their colors and designs but uhh yeah just take it bro just take it

SPEAKING of old art like a million years ago i said i was working on a chara doodle sheet but truth is it was already done except for some reason i decided i wanted to put all the words by hand? and i was procrastinating that so uhh i never did that and i never posted it but here it is now

uhh yeah

the things written down are headcanons i didnt reread all of them but i think i still headcanon most of them now so feel free to read them if u want

tbh that looks like shit but👍whatever i made it a long time ago

anyway thats it. ill stop now. bye

[kxllboii]

I'm going to do my requests so you can ask for some stuff lol

I might just stick to these fandoms for now:

Monster High

Subway Surfers

Dont Hug Me Im scared

Welcone Home

POSTAL 1-Brain Damaged (even that Russian addon and POOSTALL teehee)

Old MCYT stuff maybe idk (just avatar stuff, not associated with the creators)

Emo/scene garbage loll (mostly of my ocs but yk)

OC art (Just send me a reference of your character so I can make them lol)

I can even answer questions!

If youd like art, please have some references of the character you want made. Most of the time, I wont know who you are talking about if it was a fandom I dont dabble in-

I wont do:

Personal questions

Any NSFW stuff (I dont really want to expose my followers to that stuff, you can like it but I just wont do it at all)

Any fetish art of any kind (I wont shame you, but please refrain from asking, it makes me a bit uncomfy)

Proship art (its kinda obvious-)

Stuff that isnt human or an animal (It isnt because I dont want to, I just cant draw things like vehicles and buildings-)

Real people (I suck at making real life people, plus I definitely wont know who they are, not a big celebrity person lol)

Random links to stuff (I dont want to see sketchy links, itll automatically be deleted-)

ANYTHING FROM PORB BOTS (Ik these arent usually real people but I gotta put it in anyway)

So I might just limit some requests, I may not respond too quickly or get to it as much as I would be. Im not ignoring anyone, promise <:)

Anyway, hope this will be okay with all of you and I hope to see ya later!

-Kxllboi

UPDATE: I may have to do a limit of characters for one request, I might not finish one piece with a ton of people.

**FOUR CHARACTERS AT A TIME PLEASE**

UPDATE 2: My sleep schedule is all messy, so if you do request something, please be patient. I'll get to your requests

UPDATE 3: THIS IS IMPORTANT

As much as I'd love to help people with donations, I wont post about it in my asks. I know its a bit rude, but I have a hard time telling whether people are genuine or not on the internet. If you can, please use an emoji (youll find it). If its a scam, let me know and Ill delete the post immediately

Thank you for your time

- Kxllboii

FOR EMERGENCIES/DONATIONS: Use "❣️"

[5eyed]

based on my poll it looks like a number of you guys are interested in knowing more about my ocs so! heres a pic of morgan and skinny i hadnt posted before. these two are the easiest to get into bc theyre not part of any project or story - they just exist for me to draw. info about them under the cut!!

skinny (the one standing above) is a 23yo con artist. his real name is valentine, but hes been nicknamed skinny from his childhood - he was always really small and thin for his age - and he goes by his nickname pretty much exclusively! he grew up without a lot of money and in a pretty unstable household, so he learned pretty early to not play by the rules.. petty theft and shoplifting, fraud, scams of any sort are all fair to him. day drinker, hedonist, drama queen, thrill seeker... skinny is always looking for the next thing thatll excite him.

morgan (kneeling) is 22 years old and undead. he was revived, very much against his will, by skinnys half-sister ursula, who works at the morgue where his body was being kept. morgan was brought back to life to serve as skinnys bodyguard and co-conspirator while he scams and cons his way around. he wasnt very happy about it at all to start off with, but eventually, he mostly adapted to his strange new lease on life. he remains a pretty gloomy and taciturn person - he always was, and whatever few friendships he had he lost with the whole dying thing, so he isnt really doing so well socially.

morgan and skinny dont live anywhere specific - they go from motel to motel and crash with various acquaintances, never staying anywhere very long. their unstable lifestyle is pretty fulfilling for them, though, and they have enough money to indulge skinnys various fancies and addictions.

part of the deal reanimating morgan is that he will die again if he gets more than 10 miles away from skinny. theyre always near each other, and at the same time mostly isolated from other people, and it doesnt make their relationship to each other very healthy. they bicker or get into shouting matches regularly. however, there is a genuine care for each other in both of them that extends past the transactional nature of their relationship.

skinny loves anything pink, heart shaped or fluffy, owns WAY too much clothing for someone whos always on the move, and spends a lot of his time on the phone talking to ursula or some friends of his (who exactly they are is always vague). morgan enjoys cooking and baking and likes wrestling. hes also a fan of rock and nu metal, and he frequently chugs embalming fluid - he says it keeps him "feeling fresh", but cant seem to explain it any better.

so yeah uhhh hope that wasnt too boring sdfljsdf <3 feel free to ask anything about them i love talking abt them :) ill make a separate post to introduce ursula bc i dont have any recent art of all three of them together

art of morgan - skinny - ursula :)

(oh yeah if you wanna know The Stats fjdkdjd skinny is a cis guy, morgan is a trans guy, ursula is loosely cis maybe, all three of them are bisexual. skinny is mixed black+white, ursula is black, morgan is a white latino. oh and ursula is 26 shes the big sister!)

[puppyyboyy]

huge vent under the thingy

.

im really selfish i think, like i dont really do much for people and i dont like to talk to people anymore as much as i used to but i think im just scared of people now. my parents pulled me out of school so i wouldnt be bullied but i think it just made my social anxiety worse

im also really sensitive and cry easily and i dont like that, yesterday i almost started crying because i couldnt find a room number in school (i was there for exams) that was super embarrassing

today is my brothers birthday and he has special needs and i feel bad because he has no friends to celebrate his birthday and my sister left the house to go hangout with her boyfriend so its only my mom, dad and me there for him on his birthday and i feel so bad and im like miserable right now and i woke up really upset because i was almost late for my exam and i definitely failed it because i guessed on almost question and i talked about college today and my plans with my guidance counselor at school and she talked about what im gonna do after highschool and i dont know what i wanna do because i thought i was gonna kms at 11 years old and not have anything else ahead of me and im so lost now and i dont even know what to do anymore

and im crying because i cant stop thinking about all the stuff thats gone wrong in my life and if i did things differently i couldve been happier and a better person

and i feel bad cuz im ignoring literally everyone rn whos texting me and im just sitting on my bedroom floor crying and writing this lmao im literally venting on tumblr💀 how did i get this bad omg. i could use my notes app to vent but i also want someone to read this, like anyone idc who im not even asking for help i just wanna be seen in a way i think

and my head is always full of ideas and thoughts and its hard to do anything because its always racing and i dont like it at all and i cant ever find the right words to get all these thoughts out or draw them out because i make art but irs not good it sucks and i hate my art style and i hate how i cant draw poses right or render correctly it pisses me off

my sister is really good at art, she goes to college for it and is way better then me and my parents are always praising her about her art and i feel like ill never be as good as her with anything, shes an honors student and graduated almost top of her class and president of the art club at her highschool (currently my highschool) and i got pulled into a bunch of shit when i made friends at highschool and they are all older then me and have so much drama and i feel like no matter who im friends with i cant be friends with the other people i wanna be friends with because they have drama together and if im one persons friend then i cant be the other persons friend because then im a bad person and i just hate it so much i hate beiing around people and i hate having to pick sides and i wish i could kms and i wouldnt have to deal with anything anymore

and then with my sister- anything i do or make art of my parents are like "cool!" and move on with their rlife and when my sister does art they post it on their facebook and show other family members and praise her so fucking much. im not saying i want all that but it feels like they dont even care

and i also noticed i get less things at Christmas and on my birthday now ever since i came out as trans to my extended family like my grandparents and uncle and aunt, my sister and brother get a bunch of shit and ill get some books and some other shit i dont even want or asked for but my sister gets money and a bunch of shit she asked for (expensive things) and my brother gets new electronics every fucking year. he got the newest iphone and a ipad and a fucking 3d printer last christmas???? and i got books and a 20$ Michaels gift card? its so unfair i with i was cis and my family would like me more itd not even about the gifts its just in general they got so distant and weird with me i feel so odd when i go to family events

sexual talk here- and i feel really gross a lot of the time cuz im sexual a lot and i wish i wasnt because i always feel gross and idk it makes me feel weird i guess its just hormones and a trauma response from when i was younger but i just feel weird especially when im alone and im being sexual i feel gross after and i dont know why im like this

theres so much on my mind and im just like AGHHHH!!!!!! i wanna cut myself and bleed out everywhere istg (i wont actually cuz im very afraid of physical pain)

[simsfromupthere]

im sorry i havent been posting like at all lol, on a technical level i FINALLY got my cousin's pc, set it up with my dad in my room already and its absolutely great i cant wait to finally get to hop back on TS4 on it i ran TS4 really quick to update and enable mods/all that stuff but i still need to get an external hard drive/storage to import all general data/files from my old laptop i still want to keep like images,music,vids etc but Especially my TS4 files like my obnoxiously large mods folder like its actually ridiculous how much general cc files, script mod files, replacements def/non-def, lighting mods both for cas/in game n reshade presets i had and still want to keep cause i cba to restart i swear LMAO i still want my old sims ]: in spite of all the headache flashbacks ill get from how bad they would lag, glitch, break and how often my game would crash i still love those saves hhh, also my mods folder is at least over 10k+ files i wont eloaborate why and thats also why i cant be assed to start over LMAO also wont go over too much cause im still knee deep in it but ive been struggling with really and i mean Really bad ADHD induced general burnout WHILST i already was dealing with absolutely awful creative burnout so my brain is scrambled into tiny little shards of charcoal for the past weeks (months even) so i have had little to no motivation to work on things specially my art which has been incredibly painful to the point ill cry sometimes and feel my chest getting tight cause i get frustrated and struggle to produce anything good or that i like, ive been working on it since i started doing research/spoke to my psych and therapist about important exercises to alleviate/bounce back from both burnouts and thankfully (trying to be positve lmfao) both have recommended steps that are either similar/the same or interpolated very well like getting more outside, bettering sleep (which i definitely had been neglecting like a few weeks ago i stayed awake for 3 days straight..😬) ive been trying to branch out on hobbies, trying different art styles for fun and blahblah other things i wont bore anyone with but yerp these past days ive been mainly trying to get my focus on working on those and so far ive improved my sleep quite a lot, i just need to create an actual schedule which is highly important to, atm im working on it but its still a very unorganized schedule but nonethless feeling a lot of painful side effects from shit sleep fading away like really really bad dry eye, pretty boring update i havent been doing much lol but i figured i would post something to clarify i just had been kind of embarrassed to do so, also heres some random drawing ive done for fun in diff styles these past days.

[twildflower]

tags for the memes i made based on pokespe or gameverse / stuff made with mmd

helloww (*´ー｀*).. you can call me anything like tofu, vee, twiflo or my other names (if you know them) as long as ik youre talking to me, i cant decide on a consistent name so i have a lot lol, or you can give me a nickname i dont mind

i know fluent english chinese and some 日本語 i dont know why is this relevant or why am i putting it here. my englsih is decently good i just like typing bad english whenever i can its funny. I dont know how to type chinese i can only use the handwriting board :smile:

i post stuff im interested in, reblogs of art n stuff and sometimes funny/unfunny shitposts too so its just easier to have these tags for my memes.

>boundaries/limits

I’m a multishipper and I fall into ship rabbit holes really easily; just once piece of art that’s good and I will fall like a motherfucker but I’m also weirdly picky. I don’t like certain straight ships of red green gold silver (eg red & yellow, gold & kris) but pretty much everyone else im open with anything. Like sapph ruby plat dia pearl (eg sapph & blue, sapph & ruby). Okay ill be honest this is a very short list but i hope you get what i mean by being multishipper but picky.

I think i classify as a proshipper. I think. ? I am just very fucked up in the head so i like fucked up shit, but just fiction tho. i think anything that happens with real people is weird as fuck, it’s just that im fucked in the head so i like to see weird unreal shit thats all.

No strict dni list but I hate genshin/anything related (eg honkai. Garbage ass disgusting named games) so just don’t purposely shove any of those stuff in my face or youll be blocked. I don’t care enough to check if you like them or whatever, you can like them just don’t talk to me abt them. I also don’t like roblox but not to the genshin point bc i downloaded it some times to play with somone if im very good friends w. I just dont like many of the copycat games n like just gacha or stupid games, some very original roblox games are cool tho. Ye.

<end

uh yeah. if you wanna chat my dms n asks are open. i dont mind.

#tflo arts if you want to check out my art/doodles. Im not too proud of my stuff esp if theyre not tagged with character tags so you can just search it up if you really want to. you can request me to draw stuff if you wanna lol...

miner in the gungeons ill be 18 next year im old i dont really want to be 18 i hope i die might kms before then breakdance sorry i meant breakdance sorry i meant breakdance sorry i meant

hey wow you read it to here. im actually just a really mentally ill kid that gets physically sick really easily and often and im not good at anything so i make memes. Well i say im mentally ill but my parents dont believe me bc theyre asians so i never saw any doctor to have any proof lol

Hrmm. My main interests are Pokemon Splatoon Vocaloid (Kagamines). I guess. I also like Pjsk Persona 5 Gundam Build Fighters Macross Delta Jewelpet Shugo Chara Henry Stickmin MahoAko Madoka Sky(COTL) Kirby n foxes/crows/cats in general. Just off the top of my head im adding stuff to this list when I remember. I dont space anything bc iykyk them. if you wanna check them out then you can just search them up

[pinocchiozee]

HIII TUMBLR!! SORRY FOR THE LONG TIME I NEVER SPOKE :[ I just got these things finally and i wanted to talk about it!! I hope after this ill be able to become more active, i wanna start using tumblr now! :]

Also i wanna show my GDT collection one day, its mostly just Pinocchio but i got this Fake leather Guillermo Sketchbook i draw in from a few months back and recently got the art book for Shape Of Water!! [My favorite live action people movie ive seen him make so far!]

Anyways have this very long story because the only thing i can talk about is myself😭😭

ALSO MY GUILLERMO DEL TOROS PINOCCHIO ART IS ON THE WAY!!

I have really old art ive never shown past the eyes of Discord😭😭😭

I CANT WAIT FOR THESE TO COME!! Ill give an extensive review of these and post it on here! Also another very big reason on why i also got them is to repaint them!! :] they need a repaint so badly😭😭

So the lore...

A very long time ago, at the movies official release like 5 months ago.. a few days after that i went looking for cool stuff because i needed to know if there was any news🥺🥺🥺

And i did! The first line of toys they produced was the Mego Corp GDTPinocchio toy line, which i was very excited to get since i had the money, albeit i wasted all of it before on the books and the pop figures that just came out, then along came the limited edition Pinocchio Maquette replica one month after..

(Also i might get the timeline wrong, i have a problem with remembering and the understanding of time)

[which costed 10 times less than the actual handcarved limited edition WOODEN PUPPET😭😭 Id have to be a millionaire to get THAT ONE! Ill work hard to get that once i start my summer job]

Sooo i decided to save for that instead, pushing away the one thing that i was able to get in favour of the Maquette, each month i kinda got forced to waste alot of my money on things i never wanted to get, so it was a very slow rise, i never got to my goal before they already got sold out, i was 100 dollars away because of the SHIPPING, THE SHIPPING COST 100 DOLLARS TO GET TO SWEDEN, I ACTUALLY ALMOST HAD ENOUTH😭

This gave me a money complex that lasted for about a few months, i used to be a compulsive buyer but i completely shifted because of that, i mean im still very compulsive but now i get so shameful every time i get anything and i avoid the shops like the plague.. because i dont need it!! [Also to get the maquette replica]

Okay thats my story, Ofcourse ill only talk about GDTP and every other single Pinocchio adaption, and Guillermo Del toros every other movie and series, this is why i got tumblr LOL

[and maybe some other things!! I have other interests as well, but not as intense as this one]

GET A SNEAK PEAK OF A FEW OF MY MANY PINOCCHIO

[i like all adaptions lol]

ART PIECES IM MAKING U GOOBERS🥺🥺🥺✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️

[spikeinthepunch]

i have my 2022 art summary queued up and just want to ramble about the last year,... lots of stuff happened, good and bad! been a strange time.

i imagine most followers around have probably been here since late 2020 but 2020-21 i did art quite a bit, but the thing that really stuck for that period was i was super involved in warrior cats RP for some time-- i love RPing and these group also got me motivated to draw too! but i feel like i kind of wasnt around in the typical way due to how consumed i was in it. i dont think i need to go into detail of every month during that time, but it wasnt until early this year where i dropped it, and i didnt really publicize in detail why due to the issues surrounding it, but it was probably the biggest impact on me this year mentally, and in terms of art direction. and i feel like itd feel good to document this in a blog after it has now blown over- and why ive shifted my direction too.

i was very happily running my own RP server for just a year before i had to close it this year and it still makes me sad, as much as i moved on. ARP was like... a very big deal for me and i cant deny that. i dont have a lot of projects i get that into or get even close to setting off with its story figured out. i wrote well over 100 pages of documents for the world and the 6 planned arcs. i drew loads of art i couldnt even share until it closed (tbh im not positive i have shared it anyways bc i didnt wanna post it here). i made a website, i made riddles and code, i developed lore that was far outside of the warrior cats scope to it basically just being original!

truly i have never developed a project as far as i made ARP and to shut it down in order to save my privacy and past trauma from being further exposed in such an inappropriate way really sucked ass. a lot. it was a situation where there was no control given to me, no sense of understanding from the community. im not writing this out now to be pointing fingers and calling out names- just venting how it took a toll on me this year. what had happened with my server was that one of my own mods decided to dig into my profiles and found an old nsfw page, which even more indirectly led to an old flist, which exposed various things i was into around 17-19, reflecting trauma and abuse id been through (in it, voiced wanting to take part in certain kinks; ex. being a victim to violence and dubious consent scenarios). this information was at first presented as a threat to minors viewing my RP page (as in "ppl can see your nsfw profile from the blog!") which wasnt true/accessible as they said it was and required many many clicks to find, and then slowly revealed to me the people exposing this were in fact two of my own mods and was promptly cut off from explaining anything else as it spread in a private mod discord in the RP community. Which was worse to me than everything else that could have happened honestly, and i only learned this second hand from a person who saw it in that discord and thought it was horrible this information was spreading like that behind my back. in some ways things were okay-- i didnt get "called out" openly as i did my best to explain how these pages were not current to those around me, and that they had dug into some deep cutting trauma and a period where i wasnt getting any help to cope properly. it still didnt stop the fact i left every other RP i was in due to connections w those exposing it, and in turn closing my own. i dont want to say im thankful i didnt get called out publicly, but the damage was bad enough in so many other ways because i couldnt continue my server at all, and in the end people's obsession with purity culture in the fandom still made them deem me "bad" because i had nsfw accounts in any capacity. thats not a space i want to be around anyways...

ill forever be thankful for those who stuck it out to the end and witnessed the documents i got to share before closing it for good. but this was a HUGE part of my life for the last years of the pandemic, and i wasnt there for warriors cats- i was there for the people i knew, and the stories i made. i still miss RP a lot, and i want to host projects like that again after moving on mentally from that ordeal.

but my 2022 art summary shows a major shift that was 100% in part to disconnecting from wcrp. humans everywhere! seriously. for a solid few months i couldnt even bare to look at anything related to ARP. i didnt want to think about how i lost this story i developed so hard for so long.

honestly didnt really start drawing properly again until the summer- my art during my HL phase was very very light and very messy. i fell into a hard depression early summer and i only crawled out when i got into mcyt- and even then i was hiding it from this blog. i think i just needed to not feel like i was "online", because August included me joining a onceler RP and again, not saying anything about it. which Weehawken was the first RP thing I had done since i closed ARP too, and it was weird. not the RP itself, it just felt weird to try that again.

and it wasnt my favorite month, i just felt so tired and exhausted- that depression was kinda lingering and drawing a lot for an RP again was something i wasnt really used to anymore.

the past three months have been.... better? or i have at least enjoyed what i am drawing more. i think im far enough removed from what happened with ARP too that it doesnt weigh on me as strongly. i wasnt blaming myself for anything but it doesnt feel good when you know you have to kill something. we talked about recovering it, i had ideas, but i just knew it wouldnt be worth trying to with so much damage caused in my own self, and the impression that whole community left on me knowing people would willingly spread such personal information without question. having trauma exposed after going to therapy and relearning how to use the internet in a way that doesnt lean on trauma dumping and whatever unhealthy bullshit? its quite a blow. i dont make personal blogs like this often because i have good methods to deal with my shit these days.

despite this messy year im doing well. its been ups and downs. overall i know im far more confident in myself, i moved out to live on my own, and im just doing my thing. whatever bull shit happened this year, call out or not, i know im still just gonna keep doing whatever it is im doing. and heres to hoping i can bring a world to life like i did with ARP again, bc i really have a lot i want to tell and show and do.

[plagueislost]

Hii, for the artist ask game: number 4 and 10 is something I'd love to know :3

i wrote A LOT for this ask, sorry! i wanted to do the questions justice, yknow how it is.

4. piece you wish got more love?

Ive found from experience that original art tends to not do very well on social media, which kind of makes me sad. It's not much of a problem for me (because most of the stuff i post is fanart anyways) but i can't help but think that part of the reason i rarely ever draw original pieces or make OCs is because of the lack of feedback i get on social media. I know tumblr is supposed to be the fandom website, and maybe id have a different experience on another site, but it is disappointing when i post something original that I'm very proud of and it barely manages to get more than 20 notes, whereas something i like less easily surpasses 100 just because of the tags i put on it. i think the most recent example of this is this piece, which admittedly did get quite a few notes for an original piece, but definitely would have gotten more had it been fanart of the same caliber. this is also not to blame anyone or make anyone feel bad about not reblogging original art (god knows im guilty of that too, and art piggybacking off the popularity of other works of art are of course gonna get more notes), its just something ive noticed from my time on social media.

10. how do you deal with artblock?

i dont get art block very often, but when i do, its ANNOYING. it mostly manifests in me having a bunch of motivation for a part of my process that i cant get to without doing the stuff i have no desire to do (does that make any sense?). like, ill have a strong urge to render an artwork, but no ongoing WIPs that are at that stage, meaning i would have to sketch and color and shade a whole new piece before i could satiate that urge, or do the steps out of order which could mess up the flow and end look of a project. when i get like this, i find its best to try and translate those desires into different activities and take a step away from art. for example:

if i want to sketch, but nothing comes out right digitally, ill find a scrap piece of paper and a crappy pen and make thumbnails until i cant think of any other iterations of the ideas in my head. if one of them turns out good, ill take a picture and transfer it into my software, but only go over it a day or so later so i can have fresh eyes.

if i want to color, but i have no sketches currently ready for coloring, ill go into my photo editing program, find some random old photos that i never edited, and post-process them until i get something im happy with.

if i want to shade, but have no colored artworks ready for that, ill usually do a study of a photo ive taken, because most of the time me shading is really me wanting to see how light and shadow interact in certain scenarios. i actually did a whole AP portfolio on that because i liked shading and lighting so much!

if i want to render, but ive got no pieces ready for rendering, i find its easiest just to find a tedious activity where i can be a perfectionist but also feel like im the smartest person in the world. this generally turns into me cooking some big meal because its constantly engaging but also not that difficult. i know its probably weird for it to not have anything to do with art but this is just what works best for me, and i get the bonus of a nice meal at the end of it!

if i get the more classic kind of art block where everything sucks and nothing i make is good, i find its best to go back to the media that inspires me to make art, and not worry too much about having made something by the end of it. generally the media that inspires me ends up, well, inspiring me, and i can remind myself that art is a voluntary practice that i do because its fun, not because i want something out of it. if it doesnt manage to inspire me, thats okay, i can just tell myself im taking a break and live life for a bit.

i hope that was helpful, and i really enjoyed answering these questions! if anyone else wants to ask a question, the artist ask game is here.

[bumblerubee]

for the art ask thing. every third question. except on 15 you actually do have to provide your ip address along with your street address

FUCKKKK not my ip address along with my street address :[

3. What ideas come from when you were little

honestly probably most of them. not necessarily 'little' but my two main stories and ocs in them that i float around in my head every so often came from when i was in middle school

6. Anything that might inspire you subconsciously

NOT REALLY I THINK...? i think for subconscious stuff its more like music that i then cant help but think of my ocs with. anything design wise is either on purpose from a clear inspiration or just not thought of at all until someone else tells me hehe

9. What are your file name conventions

i havent named a single procreate file on my ipad in weeks i am not fucking joking. but when i save them on my computer to post theyre usually something like '[x] doodle' or '[x] yay' and then i just have to add a number at the end if this is the 50th time ive drawn [x]

12. Easiest part of body to draw

PROBABLY HAIR? its so fun to me honestly cause you can do a lot with it. hands also arent that bad really though im not gonna say theyre easy but theyre fun when you know what youre doing

15. *Where* do you draw

anywhere. everywhere. all at once. typically in my room though at my desk [smiles]

18. An estimate of how much art supplies you've broken

honestly not much since i just draw digitally but i do think that moving stuff back home earlier this year Did break my drawing tablet which kills the bee

21. Art styles nothing like your own but you like anyways

once again EVERYTHING... i love simplistic art styles. i love detailed art styles. realistic ones. cartoony ones. theyre all fucking good baby

24. Do your references include stock images

most of my references tend to be fashion ones but i really tend to use stock images for hands and such

27. Do you warm up before getting to the good stuff? If so, what is it you draw to warm up with

SOMETIMES i should really do that more. ill either just draw a bunch of random wiggly curly lines or just do some more simple little doodles.

30. What piece of yours do you think is underrated

all of them. but really id just point to these ones below. i kinda wanna redraw that summer doodle though cause its in my old art style

[watarulesbian]

wataru hibiki my precious lil birdie aaaawwwwwww 

anyway i wish i had the energy to think deep thoujghts about her . deep thoughts thatd make me feel like a real #1 wataruknower . i wish i had the will to get my ass over to some enstars stories featuring wataru and read them but i dont hav anyfucking will for anything but mindless scrolling and being pessimistic i was doing #stuff today and then i had a therapy appointment and bam rest of day wasted............................................................................................... besides when i painted for a while lol i got watercolor set for xmas and its quite fun 

wataru is MINE!!!!!!!!!!! MY CHARACTER!!!!!!!!!!!! MY GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE LEAVESME AWESTRUCK I CANT EVEN THINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! unless youre one of my three friends from twitter (hi) you have NO IDEA of the extent. of how i so adore and love wataru. and even than thats not all of my love for her. 

one thing tho i love when people draw her face very expressive. i wish i could do that in my own art of her........ im better than ai but worse than most actual artists :( i want to die because im not able to capture her accurately in artistic mediums but other people can? so MAD!!! KILL KILL DIE DIE DIE (to myself not to the wonderful talented artists who i admire very much) 

idk i just feelt like shit lately. its because i havent gotten enough wataru. the enstar doctor perscribd me 10 hours of wataru hibiki a day and lately ive been getting like 2 a day when i NEED more than that i need. like 10! i need my mind to reboot my brain and maybe put a fucking timer on youtube because i keep looking at shitty uoiutube shorts WASTING MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE AWAY AND MAKING ME DEPRESSED AND DOOMFUL AND AAAARGHH 

how many of you even know my name? i know 3 of you do (hi again) 

tumblr isd better for making long incoherent posts huuuuu 

need one of those send a number and ill give a ___ headcannon things ummmmmmmmmmmm idk i feel like all my awnsers to thosewould be dissapointingly bland and im scared that there will be something in cannon thatd contradict my hc (NOT LIKE A LESBIAN HC BUT LIKE A LIKE/DISLIKE THING) wataru is lesbian by the way and i think, as an autisticl esbian mysjmlf and YOUR wataru expert Wataru feels the isolations. the lesbian isolations. the autism isolations. maybe its weird and unrelated to what im saying here and it might sound even crude but whenever someone who previously idenntif as lesbian comes out as Not lesbian i feel a profound emptiness within me . and i know i should probably tell that to a therapist and not post it on tumblr for anyone whos former ident lesbian to see this and feel guilty or mad at me but i JUST had a therapy appointment today and need to get it out. its been in my brain for a long time. and ive of course ive come to recognize and get used to people changing, ive never thought or said to anyone “nooo you cant be _____ youre supposed to be my fellow lesbian :(” but i never see anyone ever talking about feeling sad when a lesbian they know turns out to Not be a lesbian except in the context of transphobia or homophobia. like im NOT one of those asses saying “a trans man? we lost a lesbian im so sad” “noo lesbi ann is dating a man and changing her name to bai sexxx this is so not her! come back lesbi ann!” im just saying i feel  like when someone who previously idenntif as lesbian comes out as Not lesbian i feel a profound emptiness within me. and im NOT trying to guilt trip! and PLEASE dont be mad at me!  and i get USED to people not being lesbian! the emptiness goes away after several months! but yea whatever 

i want someone out there to make more art of eichi lovingly brushing and braiding watarus beautiful long hair. fic or art. or cannon for the love of god... theyd BOTH enjoy it the same amount im telling uou. even when they grow old together watarus hair is still long and still so nice and soft tbh like she got upset that it all turned white and talked about possibly dying it a lot but eichi is like My Wife Of Many Years You Are So Beautiful With White Hair You Are A Goddess. I Love It Just As Much As When It Was Blue.      but in present time as 19 year old young lesbian lovers i just know wataru has falllen asleep while eichi runs his fingers through watarus wonderful amazing shiny superlong hair. i know wataru doesnt wanna like be asleep in front of people but as part of showing her human side more, i see her doing it tbh, eichi loves seeing his girlfriend asleep and is always like Awwww :3 wataru doing normal human things with eichi is actually cannon btw and im smiling thinking aboutt that 

i want to write a magnus archives statement about watarus expieriences with a fountain (the stranger) she makes a foolish wish on that has her live a year where evgery day she wakes up in a different persons life and body and its totally torturous. after 365 days of that shes finally in the life and body of wataru hibiki again but she is incredibly traumatized . happier ending than most magnus archives statements because she is ALIVE with no physical injury and doesnt end up dying or anything. the stranger. i remember when i was really lttle i came across a ton of amazon reviews for a book that had a premise basically similar to this except itwas a creature who lived like this and it was a love story or something LET ME FIND IT HOLD ON 

its called “Every Day” i found it lol 

i never read it but i reacd the reviews 8 years ago so i feel like i know it well enough. it was easy to find by one single google search  ahaha 

i hsould be going to bed now thanks for listening tubmlmr