#if i have more thoughts ill add them in a rb

[goetialiker]

Quick Thoughts on Season 2 Episode 2

Spoilers if you haven't watched btw

Also for those unfamiliar with my blog, I'm not an anti, these are my genuine feelings on a show that is incredibly important to me.

I'm just gonna touch on a couple points rather than review everything since I'm very busy today, but I am pretty mixed on the episode which is extremely unfortunate given how I thought episode 1 was absolutely fantastic this season, and it has to do with how they treated information from previous episodes in this one.

Before we go on: love the Stolas human design. He's handsome. This is not surprising coming from a Stolas stan. Also, animation is still good. Not as good as some of the previous few episodes but it's still good!

Let's start with the bad. This very nearly completely ruined the episode for me: Stolas and Blitz. What the hell happened between now and the last episode that apparently completely wiped their relational conflict away? We are right back to episode 7 where Stolas is upset with Blitz for something but is nonetheless smitten over him. Before, that completely made sense for their characters. And you know what: if we were in a timeline where this episode happened before s1e7 I would've been fine. Yet, Stolas's anguish from last episode? Gone. Just, forgotten. We get *one* hint from last episode that doesn't even seem to fully address what happened.

"Well, he seems to like you sir!"

"Okay, my dick is good, but it is not that good, Moxxie."

Subjectively funny line, not enough to save my opinion on how they handled this. I get that Blitz and Stolas are demons who make bad decisions but even with that it just feels like there is so much discarding of previous material. I still think we're gonna have some conflict between the two, we are MORE than set up for that. This episode, however, worries me that they (Spindlehorse) are taking it way too casually, and when we reach a climax between the imp and the Goetia, we're either running into tonal whiplash or a dismissal of previous information. I'm worried, I won't lie. I don't like that tonal whiplash is the best option. I personally related to so much of what Blitz and Stolas were like with each other and if it's thrown out the window I'll be crushed. The plot here with Blitz being mistaken for a celebrity also felt weak to me. I mostly liked it for when Blitz had a crisis about Loona which I describe as a highlight below.

Next, the handling of the setting. It felt like a whirlwind of all the stereotypes I've heard of Los Angeles growing up in the Bay Area of California. It just wasn't very appealing to me comedy-wise. I don't think all the jokes landed as they usually have for me in the show. I liked Loona searching everywhere through Sinstagram and recognizing some of those landmarks I'm familiar with.

On to the good! Speaking of Loona!! Holy shit! Huge highlight for me was Octavia and Loona talking. It's clear that fans wanted this, and while it's difficult for Loona to relate to Octavia on a royal level, Loona analyzing her own relationship with Blitz to relate to Octavia was a wonderful writing decision. Using that as a way to relate to Octavia while knowing so little about what's going on was great development for both Via and Loona. Some great shots during this scene as well. Loona's adoption was heartbreaking but also good development for her and Blitz. Love the moment after the Observatory with Stolas and Via as well.

Lastly, M&M doing cute shit and Moxxie trying to be a patron of the arts is adorable. I love that gremlin. Good B (C?) plot this episode.

You can probably tell that I'm mostly disappointed with Stolitz. And yeah. That really did affect my enjoyment of the episode. I'm worried about what we're gonna see in the future. I don't plan on dropping the show *at all*, this has been a comfort show for me and I'm just rolling through these waves of disappointment. You'll absolutely catch me rb'ing shit about Loona and Octavia hanging out, they're perfect best friend material. For Stolitz, it's gonna have to prove itself to me a little better going forward.

[thecherrygod]

Swap au Kim gets drunk and there's a sweet spot in which he's having the time of his life and manages to forget all that's fucked up in his existence just going with the flow and everyone besides him no matter who they are and how the treat him, but less drunk than that and he'll get sober too soon and everythings gonna hit him all at once making him feel twice as miserable, or he'll get even more drunk to the point it completely switches and the happiness and getting along with whoevers nearby morphs into over trusting and sad and as soon as someone is like "look man you're not fine you should go home" he takes it too personal and won't be against getting into fights

[suffering-asthmatic-tifosi]

i’ll explain papaya rules for you!!

okay so after oscar’s over take (and im pretty sure after mclaren’s first pit stop) lando’s race engineer comes on the radio and says

“you are allowed to race oscar, papayas rules”

so everyone was kinda confused because no one knows what said “papaya rules” are. so anyway after the race during the press conference, lando gets asked what papaya rules are and if he thought oscar’s overtake fit into those rules. lando basically said that the papaya rules are that they are free to race, but do not make contact. lando thought oscar’s overtake did fit into the rules but could’ve ended badly if he had braked later. zak brown was also asked about it after the race about what papaya rules meant and basically said the same thing that lando said!! but he said they would have to rewatch oscar’s overtake to make sure it applied by the “papaya rules”.

but then everyone (mostly lando fans) started getting mad at oscar and mclaren for allowing oscar to overtake and for them to race. they think that they should’ve swapped the cars on the last lap to allow lando to close the gap to max in the drivers championship a little more.

another thing, in the post-race press conference lando got asked if he needed help to win the championship and he said that he did have help and that his teammate was indeed helping him. he also said that he didn’t want to win the championship by begging for track position over his teammate. he said it was something the team would have to implement race by race. and oscar had nothing to add to that.

i hope this explained it and i probably added wayyyy to much details!! but it’s very interesting to me as a die hard oscar fan, to see everyone hating on him for racing and not giving the position to lando, even though the team said nothing about giving it up. but ill let you have your own opinion on the situation <3

Anon you’re and actual angel. Like genuinely you deserve a star here ⭐️

This topic now intrigues me more as a lifetime Lando fan and a new Oscar fan. Honestly I think, always thought tbh, that whenever Zak says that there is no number 1 driver, he’s just lying bc it’s Lando, we all know it’s Lando guys.

On that note, I think this Papaya Rules stuff is not very healthy for the future. Like how is this gonna work in a few months when the inevitable is going to happen and Lando is 3 points from the championship and Oscar is only p3. Who are “Papaya Rules” gonna help out at that point?

I get it, racing each other can be dangerous especially considering Lando’s lead. But making a petty kitty papaya rules is not the way guys. I get McLaren is trying to be the new hip team.. (i.e holister merch and like every pr thing ever (I could be wrong but McLaren feels like it like started this wave of F1 merch in American malls bc when F1 merch started rolling out it was all McLaren merch.) (sorry for all the () but on all that McLaren merch, when a driver is put on it it’s ALWAYS Lando. I own Hollister McLaren merch, it’s all Lando. And for the New RB merch at Hollister, it’s all obviously Max bc he’s the number 1 driver. So yeah sry for the Tangent)

.. but I think treating the boys like Kindergarteners with papaya rules is not it. There is a better way guys. I’m like 79.678% sure they aren’t gonna be the next Maxiel Baku 2018.

But I’m an idiot so I’m probably vry wrong. THANK YOU ANON FOR THE EXPLANATION I WAS ACTUALLY SO CONFUSED AND SO WAS MY DAD (another big Lando fan lol)

[camzverse]

What do you think of the ending of "Disassembled Vanny"?

As for me, this is the most interesting ending in the game and I would like to you opinion.

hmm. to be frank, i havent really thought about the ending very much before but hey alright sure ill say some stuff ab it

i think its extremely tragic. ESPECIALLY tragic for vanessa. she essentially acts as a sacrificial lamb here. yeah, sure, you stop vanny, but you sacrifice an innocent person. vanessa dies having never been freed. she never wanted any of this. in fact, considering vanessas past, its almost like she dies having never really experienced freedom. between her shitty father and getting glitchtrapped in her early 20s, its like she didnt have much time to just. be herself?. to be her own person. to live a life where she doesnt have to follow anyones orders, and she can just do what she wants. she dies never really having gotten that. and she dies alone. throughout all this time, who did she have that she could trust or could be there for her? she had nobody. the closest thing she had to a friend was luis, but well yk.. ehhhh. its like she was doomed from the start. and the only person that could have finally saved her just.. didnt. and thats just. it. thats how her story ends. like that.

there wont be any more disappearances, but at what cost? they stopped vanny, but vanessas dead. also freddy is broken. gregory wouldnt be able to fix freddy would he? what does greg do then? theyre gone. hes completely alone now. its just fucked up, none of them get a real happy ending there. and actually, even then i think glitchtrap isnt really stopped. killing vanny wouldnt like. destroy the program. glitchtrap still exists. it seems entirely possible that after some time it would just start all over again, and it wouldve all been for nothing. something something killing the symptom not the disease idk

the ending also raises a lot of questions for me in terms of gregorys like.. reasoning? thought process? during this. did he know vanny was vanessa? i think he definitely knew there was a person under there, hence how he winced and tries not to look (and seemingly had no similar reaction when the animatronics were disassembled). so was he aware of the reality of the choice he was making? that he was killing another person? had he played the princess quest games? was he going to play princess quest 3, but backed out at the last second? was he scared, did he not think he had enough time to finish the game before vanny could catch him? was he just doing it because freddy said to? i mean i dont think so, gregory generally listens to freddy but throughout security breach we see him make his own choices many times and greg doesnt really do anything that he doesnt think is a right choice. unless he was just kind of out of character there, this was gregorys choice. i really wonder what the circumstances wouldve been in that ending, and what thought process led him to make that choice.

i think it might just straight up be the worst ending idk. like outcome-wise. its also honestly just really unsatisfying to me but its not even real and it didnt happen so whateverrr its fineeeeee. anyyway thats everything i have to say about it rn. if i think of anything else id like to add ill rb with more but i think thats all folks

[justkillingthyme]

Intro/pinned post:

Haiii my name is Thyme (or Valerie) and I’m currently using any pronouns, and this is my Layton blog

I have a few sideblogs, my personal/reply blog is @nothymetospeak and my other fandom blog is @yourthymehascome but it’s not currently in use. @thehandsofthyme is my art sideblog for reblogs. My blog for live-blogging is @thymeisasocialconstruct but idk what’s going on bc it wont link. I’m also justkillingthyme on discord if you want to add me ^-^

I don’t tag spoilers in rbs unless I’m aware that a mutual hasn’t seen it (which applies to no games right now) and I will tag triggers if you let me know. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable

You’re always welcome to chat with me or send a message in my inbox. I’m chronically online and I have so many thoughts about everything

If something isn’t tagged and it’s vague or something personal I’m probably on the wrong blog so I’d appreciate you sending me a message

A little bit more about me under the cut :3

hii pretty much there’s a lot of things wrong with me. I’m mentally ill and probably will always be but idk if you’re worried about me I’ll probably be fine soon. A lot of things go on in my life and I love complaining about them but I try and keep the worst of it to my other blogs.

I’m very anxious. im a sopping wet cat and talking to people makes me very very nervous. If you talk to me and I seem a little off I’m probably just intimidated. I kinda have to warm up to people I don’t know well and talking to new people freaks me out.

Uhh anons make me nervous (<guy with bad experiences in the askbox)

I’m also not an adult yet. I think I gave some people the wrong impression because I make a lot of jokes and my general demeanor or something but yep. I’m seventeen. If you think I’m going too far with my jokes you’re welcome to send an anon telling me to knock it off. I don’t bite and you don’t have to worry about me blocking you because I’m incapable of keeping people blocked.

[skybristle]

guys genuine question whats your interpretation of how reincarnation works in rain world. i could make this a poll but theres a lot of nuance so ill just add my own thoughts here and you can rb with your own if you'd like as for me: i personally didn't ever,,, get the interpretation that you Literally just wake back up when you die? i always kind of assumed that was. like. a game mechanic. i always imagined it as the more. traditional form of reincarnation. you die and wake back up again as something new. i always felt that made more sense as like,,,, obviously things evolve in the world and change and some creatures Permanantly Die like hunter and you would have to assume every scug does eventually from old age or something. even moon saying "you'll wake right back up again" to hunter i assumed was like. you'd wake up as something new considering theyre the ONLY campaign with permadeath.

i also think that this interpretation has the most like. interesting thoughts for the ancients. i imagine it was considered quite a gift to be reborn as something intellegent enough to understand the cycle and have the potential to escape it - potentially being a big motivating factor in the mass ascension as you only had the one shot before you woke up as something new and [presumably] less enlightened. also makes them caring about everything and bestowing the iterators upon the world to help ascend everything make more sense - every soul is equal, every soul can become something grandiose.

tldr: death is still 'permanant' for the individual, but they reincarnate as something new unless they get souped. in my mind anyways. the way it works in gameplay is mostly just. yaknow. for gameplay. i always felt canon more leaned to a traditional version of reincarnation more [im too lazy to scrounge the pearl dialouge rn sorry]

[trbotunnel]

MY PINNED!!!! :3

i'm elian, an adult, transmasc, some flavour of faggotty aspec, and i use he/it :3

MY DNI

IF YOU ARE 15 OR UNDER (current mutuals okay), accs that are SOLELY nsfw/kink centric, john/arthur and dutch/arthur shippers (and otherwise proship ppl), micah bell stans, lenector shippers (from castlevania), and lgbt fetishisers. all of you get away yall are weird

OTHER SOCIALS

my only other socials that im okay with sharing is my ao3 :3 here u go

TAGS

GENERAL TAGS

#trbotunnels trbomouth: my misc tag for original posts :) goes for fan stuff as much as it does og contennt

#my art: self explanatory

#my fics: its on the tin!! links for my fics and also posts i make while i write/think about writing them

#fic ramblings: fic related posts mostly without links. so rambles/thoughts i have while writing them. also sometimes snippets

#fic: but i'll rot like a dog: same as the link above, just narrowed down to this specific fic

#my designs: my graphic design shit

#my ocs: again, aelf explanitory. i use this tag veeeeery sparingly but it exists nonetheless

#asks: asks ive answered

#poppy tag: tag for my cat. i dont post her often but yeah

and below the cut is all my fandom specific tags :3

FANDOM TAGS

i will rb/post very often about this, i will rb/post occasionally about this, i rarely see this on my dash but i am still a fan and will post/rb when i can

#rd: red dead tag

#sla: stormlight tag

#dm: dunmeshi :3

#mb: mistborn tag

#tboi: the binding of isaac tag

#hk: hollow knight tag

#sploon: splatoon tag

#wc: warrior cats tag

#anthro: furries!!

#dd: darkest dungeon tag

#rw: rain world tag

#neb/mom: market of monsters/not even bones

#jerma: jerma tag

#coq: caves of qud

#lotr: lord of the rings!!

#hades: hades game tag

#tlt: the locked tomb tag (i havent read it yet but its on my bookshelf!!)

#fnaf: fnaf. u know what it is

#mp

#mb

#gftos

i think thats the majority of it. ill add more if i think of it

[leagueofleaguesff]

ILL FL NFL Breakdown🏈🏉🏈🏉🏈🏉🏈🏉🏈

Miami Dolphins

The Dolphins are slated to be a presence in the AFC East. Besides being one of the few teams who could possibly sustain two #1 receivers (fantasy wise). Tua's health will of course always be a concern given the recent history of concussions but at his ADP (average draft position) he is a great value In the rounds he was taken, unless reaches for. Tua could be a fringe QB1. With thier yound gen z head coach implementing a similar style that brought him success in San Frann the RBs committee would be more likely. Moestart is great when healthy. Jeff Wilson is familiar with the system. Achain the rookie is one to keep an eye on. Dolphins also added on defense with Ramsey across from Howard - arguably the best duo of secondary in the league. Geseki is out so all the volume should funnel to Waddle & Tyreek. This was especially evident in week 1.

Atlanta Falcons

Desmond Ridder, is he the future or is he a bust? The season might be the indicator. The NFC South is open thanks to the G.O.A.T. Tom Brady retring for the NFL. The exciting new draft prospect RB Bijan Robinson showed a why he was the 1st RB off the board. What was surprising was the usage Tyler got particularly in the receiving end. It could be an easy in of Bijan OR perhaps a split carry backfield. Drake London was a receiver in the 3 to 6 rounds filling in as a key cog player on many teams. What was more concerning than the output was the lack of targets from the get go. ATL may be a run 1st offense leaving Pitts and Drake in the lower rank of options for the play calling which doesn't bode well for those who drafted them. Teams who invested in Pitts as a mid tier TE are especially angry. The Falcons defense are not that stout but the team could have enough juice to compete for that division with weak offenses with the other NFC South teams.

Los Angeles Rams

The Rams were largely written off. Kupp injury woes had fantasy players skittish about drafting him despite being a target hog from Stafford who usually serves as a via low end QB back up on many teams bench. With news of Kupp out, some in the fantasy world thought Van Jefferson would step up but it was preseason darling Puka who shined in their season debut. Will the rookie be viable once Kupp returns? Will Kupp return? If you have to see a specialist for your hamstring it can't be good. He is this offense. TuTu Atwell has been a gadget player at best, not reliable week to week. Cam Akers was being passed up in drafts due to obvious reasons. Regardless of Akers clear volume opportunity, it was 2nd yr K. Williams that made the most of his snap share. Perhaps with Rams Defense they can be a bye plug n play. Questions about Aaron Donald's will to actually play (contemplated retirement after the superbowl) and loss of Ramsey, we'll have to see where they land in rank. TE Higbee might be the Sleeper late round flier or waiver add that has the most upside.

Cleveland Browns

No one should be surprised about the dominant Browns defense. Sure the off timing of Burrow and company pooped 💩 the bed, but Myless Garrett and friends have played this divisional matchup close in the past 5 years. They knew how to shut the Bengals out & get to Burrow. Chubb I fell has been disrespected as others were ranked higher than him in the draft. He has always produced consistently with only few injuries. Hunt is now gone from the team so the passing volume only boosts his value as a top tier RB. Ford is the back up but observing his week 1 work, on the offset, doesn't seem to be factored in the running game plans. Watson again hasn't played a long stretch of football in about 3 years so adjusting will take longer. The hope he can return to form from his Houston days are the crutch. He has skills that separate him physically from other QBs. He'll need to capitalize on those to justify where he was drafted on teams as a starter. His resurgence leads in the the Amari Coopers and People's Jones of the world. Njoku chemistry with Watson is what to watch.

Dallas Cowboys

Everything is bigger in Texas. The big D put a hurting on the G-men. The past few years with Dan Quinn as coordinator has shown Dallas steadily becoming one of the best (if not the best) defense in the league. Parsons, Diggs, this team is not slacking in defensive Stallworths. Questions abound about Daks place in the organization. The team is loaded and expectations are even higher. This may be common for 🤠 cowboy fans but this year is especially interesting. Take into account the 40-0 prime time win. The box score didn't match the fantasy output. Prescott didn't max out his line and newly acquired Cooks got injured. Pollard showed why the fantasy world were vouching for him to start. Jerry Jones and Zeek parted ways leaving that opportunity for Pollard to become the #1 RB. Gallup is not really a factor. They have a promising crop of new TEs with Dalton off to the other side of Texas. Kellen Moore the coordinator left for the Chargers. Mike McCarthy is now calling plays in addition to his head coaching duties. He too is on the hot seat. Let's see if he can replicate his Green Bay calling Days for this offense.

Detroit Lions

Lions hype train is real. The Lions have built upon thier first winning record season in a long time upsetting a division rival (costing them the playoffs after thier slim hopes were dashed right before the start of the game) running off Rodgers to the Jets. Lions beat the defending Super Bowl Champions Chiefs arguably an upset but smart betting hedge. The Lions are feisty. They have adopted the head coaches moxy and it shows. Goff is slightly more than serviceable. His stat line off the charts. AmonRa is a top tier WR. Gibbs the rookie has high hopes. Even with Montgomery from the Bears coming over and padding his stats, Gibbs is the future. It may be a 60/40 split but as the season progresses we may see a shift. Swift is out and this new RB duo is the immediate payoff. Marvin Jones is back with his OG team but was not a factor. Be on the lookout though. Since week 9 of last year the Lions have played zone defense. After being one of the historic worst - they have gradually become a better pass defense. With Hockenson traded mid season last year, the TE shares are up in the air.

New York Jets

Biggest hype of the off season came to a crashing halt. 4 plays in the first drive of NY great hope Rodgers...out for the season with an Achilles injury. Devastating 💔

Hard knocks, Aaron Rodgers media narrative, the recent lackluster history of the Jets franchise, big QB move, front office drama, arguably one of the best recent drafting years by the GM of the Jets with thier defense (Quinen) and offense (Garrett Wilson), all the stars aligned but a comet came crashing through. Now Wilson's stock plummets. The defense should still be one of the( if not THE) top Defenses in the league. Any of the carry overs from Green to Green (Cobb & Lazard) will not be a factor. The team is being pressured to bring in a vet preferred over the irractic Zach Wilson. But who is out there? Breece Hall may be worked back in slow but he showed out. Those who invested in Cook may have felt let down in week 1 but hold steady. They paid him big money...he will be used.

New England Patriots

Patriots were slated to be an afterthought. They brought it against the eagles. Now they look competent? Well, pencil pavorati (Matt Patricia) is no longer calling the offense. WHY!! Why would Bill have a defensive coordinator call offense plays? A genius but also a wildly abstract choice (wasn't Bills first). Lets face it. A belichick led team is the worst to figure out. He cares about winning and adjusts on the fly. Or doesn't. Makes him a hall of fame coach but a point of contention in the fantasy community. Juju added....nothing. His days are long behind. Mac Jones showed improvement but how much can you bank on with this teams fluid scheme? Bourne might be the best WR they have even if Parker returns. Ramandre still should get the focal point but with Zeek there now, that takes volume. Goal line? Pass targets? We have to wait and see how things shake out. Defense is still viable. Henry is still the TE or is Mike Geiseki gonna factor? Are either getting looks or game planned in?

Baltimore Ravens

The Ravens beat the Texans but boy did it look bad. Dobbins (as bad as I feel for the person) is useless. Injury prone isn't even the word to describe. OBJ addition and Duvernay or Bateman healthy, we should see something in the air yards for Lamar. A new coordinator and Andrews injury status should have shown some promise. Truly is was more of the same. Lamar steals run yards from the RBs. Hill stepped up but Melvin Gordon on the practice squad. Fournette and Hunt haven't signed yet. The Ravens, historically, have a revolving door of RBs who outplay the RBs who made the team or were already signed before the summer OTAs. Hopefully Lamar can repeat that one year he became MVP. Time will tell.

Pittsburgh Steelers

The Steelers defense football wise will donwhat they always do under Tomlin...get better and be more of a nuance. TJ Watt as an IDP is ideal. The preseason was kind to the Pickett Pickens duo but none of that materialized in week 1. In fact it was the opposite. Pickens almost regressed it seemed. Very concerned 😟 Dionte Johnson hurt doesn't help matters. Najee will have the majority of the snap counts so let's see if he can raise himself out of the mid tier RB 3 flex type tanking. Pat F is a TE that is a fringe TE2 that could produce.

Thank you for indulging me in my NFL team by team soap box. Let's check out the Sleeper League below and good luck to all in the ILL this year ⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️

[darlinglittle]

pls read me!! ♡

{last update: Mar 6th, 2022}

pls follow my backup acct! ♡ @darlingxlittle

u can tip me on cashapp! ♡ $poilxme

the tags on this post are for my main oc categories! (I currently have a tag masterpost in progress)

☆~♡~☆~♡~☆

rules for interaction

do not interact w this blog at all:

◦if u have no 21+ age indicator in ur bio or pinned post

◦if u are under 21 years old (yes i'm reiterating this)

◦if u have unsourced/reposted porn on ur blog (whether it's posted, reblogged, or in ur likes)

◦if u are a bigot or exclusionist of any kind

◦if u have a hogwartz house, "gender critical", "traditional gender roles", "patriarchy/misogyny kink", etc. in ur bio or rb that type of content

◦if ur a boot or a bastard

◦if u have "sfw" anywhere on ur blog

◦if u are part of any reg communities (yes even on sideblogs)

◦if u are a feeder/feedee/chubby chaser/any other sort of weight fetishizer

◦if u are a sissy/misgendering/detrans blog

◦if u have any raceplay/race fetishization on ur blog

◦if u post abt eating disorders/goal weights or self harm

◦if u post things like "r4pebait/p3d0bait" or sexualize real trauma/abuse

if u follow me, please:

✧always copy my "21+ only" tag on my original posts (even if ur not rbing from my blog directly)

✧be respectful of other ppl's dnis! (u should always be checking every unfamiliar blog for age & dnis when running a nsfw acct!!)

✧do not add commentary in ur reblogs!! (adding stuff in the tags is perfectly fine!)

breaking any of the rules above will get u blocked without warning!!

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about me

✧i go by darling on here ♡

✧i'm 27, i'm married to my mommy, & my daddy now lives with us ♡♡

✧i'm disabled (legally blind, colorblind, neurodivergent, & mentally ill)

✧my little age range is 2-6, my middle age range is 12-14, my fave pet to be in general is a puppy, & my fave pet to be for my mommy is a cow

✧my main kinks & limits are listed at the bottom of this post :)

✧u can call me pet names, but pls do not imply that i belong to u! -> "hi princess!"✔️ "hi my princess"❌

✧i'm genderfluid, but i (usually) prefer fem terms/names

✧my mommy is pre-hrt/pre-op transfem & goes by they/them pronouns online. respect that!

✧my mommy doms me to a degree, but they are much more of a subby switch at heart. i also have a daddy i met thru this blog who is my main dom.

✧i am not looking for more partners! pls do not ask to be my dom or playmate!

✧i am open to making kinky friends, either dommy or subby!

✧i follow back blogs that intrigue me. if i unfollow soon after pls don't take offense! it just means i didn't align w ur blog like i thought i would at first glance.

✧i am much softer irl than some (most?) of my reblogs and even original posts may imply. there are things i only like/crave at certain times. the things i always like are on the softer, calmer side of bdsm.

messaging me

✧my dms are currently only for ppl i follow/mutuals. if i decide to open them again i'll make a post abt it & update this point here.

✧my asks are always open, including anons! i love receiving asks, but do not just send me sexts or i will block u!

☆~♡~☆~♡~☆

kinks & limits

fave kinks include:

✧ageplay, cgl, littlespace, innocence & corruption, teacher/student type dynamics

✧pet play (puppy, cow, kitten), collars & leashes

✧praise, adoration, obsession, being spoiled/rewarded

✧softer cnc, coercion, drugging, sweet manipulation, conditioning

✧bimboification, dumbification, being treated like a toy

✧sweet humiliation, sweet degradation

✧pee (either peeing for/on someone or being peed on)

✧light s&m, spanking, being groped

kinks i have interest in but never practiced irl:

✧breath play, choking, being gagged

✧bondage, rope play, captivity, kenneling

✧group sex, public sex (w ppl who consent obvs), free use for multiple partners

✧bukkake, creampies

✧s&m using tools (floggers, canes, clamps, etc.)

soft limits:

◦abdl (specifically diapers)

◦rougher cnc

◦harsher humiliation, harsher degradation

hard limits:

◦sibling dynamics

◦leather, rubber, other restricting clothes

◦hardcore s&m, violence, knives, guns, blood, harsh bruising, biting, hickeys

◦body affecting fetishes (plastic surgery, feeding, scarring, etc.)

◦breeding, impregnation, lactation

◦scat, vomit, ass to mouth (etc.)

☆~♡~☆~♡~☆

[wisemins]

My family needs help, desperately (Please share)

Now I’ve never done this before, I never needed to as my family usually was able to slide by barely. Though today has been one of the worst days of my life, as well as the rest of my family. We’ve been trying to move out of our dangerous apartment complex for months, but within the past year my family has fallen apart. My parents are getting divorced after 27 years of marriage, which ended in my mom having to leave us on my 18th birthday last year. We’ve always been poor and struggling. This time makes it no different from others except that we have absolutely zero choice in what happens next unless we have the funds to help my disabled sister and I move safely.  We had plans just mere hours ago to move back to our grandmas, but my grandmother is a sorry excuse for family, and denied us on the day of moving. The day we HAD to be out of our place. We have nowhere to go, no car, and four pets to take care of, one of which is a senior dog (16 years old) who cannot see or hear. We have two cats, and if we stay at my brother’s place like intended, that won’t be safe since they have a dog who is not friendly to cats. We also have a tortoise that needs sufficient care and somewhere safe and not stressful. Hotels are expensive, and we have stuff we need to move ASAP. I cannot work due to many things: I have severe ADHD, Complex PTSD, Depression, and Dyscalculia. I’m a 6th grade drop out, and have no GED. I cannot get a job without it being absolute hell for me, and I need to get medication prescribed for these things, which I cannot get unless we have a place to actually stay. My sister also cannot work as she’s chronically ill, and has been for many years. Doctors refuse to help her so she’s left untreated. We have nothing to our name. I don’t even have a debit card or a paypal of my own. We both feel so hopeless, that our own grandmother cannot even keep us for a few days.  My dad and mom both have jobs, but not very good ones. My brother is in recovery and cannot work at the moment. We’re trapped basically, and we’re asking to stay a little longer in this apartment so we have time to look for a safe place. We do not want to rehome our pets, they are our everything and we want to supply a good safe home for them.  So please, PLEASE reblog this. Likes are appreciated but do absolutely nothing to help spread the word. We are desperate, and we hate to beg. But our situation is dire, and I don’t want to end up homeless, without parents and pets.  We don’t have a particular goal in mind to reach, we just will take anything to help with down deposits on an apartment, or to help pay the rent for it when we find one, which might be in the thousands. Also to buy food and water, as we’re running very low on that as well. We do not have any savings as we live in poverty, we scrape by most of the time. We will need to buy and pay for storage to hold our stuff just in case our apartment complex refuses us a few more days here. The housing market here is absolutely horrendous at the moment. We will need a lot of money to sustain ourselves but anything you can give helps us so, so much.  So if you want to help out a queer disabled kid who got abandoned by their selfish family, please feel free to donate. This venmo account belongs to my mother, who is looking actively for apartments for us and is aiding us as much as possible. If you cannot donate PLEASE share this! We need help, even if you can only rb that helps us. I hope to add more money sharing accounts, but this is all we have at the moment. We might even start a gofundme, we’re unsure. Venmo: @ Brooke-Archibald-2 Once again, thank you for reading if you see this. I’m so sorry to have to ask this. I never thought we’d reach such a low. I have no idea where to go from here, we have nothing. 

[witchofinterest]

It’s my birthday! well, i’m making this post in advance, but i’m gonna post it on my birthday! i haven’t liked my birthday in years, but i love you all, so let’s talk about it!!! okays, it’s today! god, i love you all so much, and you’ve all given me a real sense of belonging and i wanna say thank you again! and if i somehow missed you, know i love you too, i just have a bad memory.

@foxesandmagic hey birthday twin!! yiu have lovely and you are so so nice i love any chance to converse with you!

@twinmasks you were the first person i was really friends with on here, and a big part of me feeling welcome in the community and i think you should know that! also, you are just so cool and talented, and i am always in awe of everything you say and make!

@nolanhollogay water sign besties! i adore you, it feels like we’ve been friends for 20 years allready! i hope we are friends for a lot longer, also you are one of the best people i know, and i want you to know that!!!!

@luucypevensie grace you are the sweetest girl ever!!!!!! ever!!!! you are sunshine in human form!! i love you so much!!! 💛💛💛

@whindsor hey nich!!!! i love you so much, you’re an excellent and amazing friend, and i adore you beyond words!!! god, i love you so much and i am so so proud of you, from your consistent updates to finishing your story!!!!! you put so much into life, and yiu deserve nothing but the best back!!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️

@kazinejghafa keke my beloved!!!! you are like, a real life disney princess! i mean, birds should follow you around if they allready don’t! i love you! you always make me feel like: ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💛💚❤️💛💙💛❤️🧡💛💚💚🧡🧡🧡🧡❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

@ocfairygodmother you absolutely live up to your name! you are the backbone of this community and i couldn’t be more grateful to have you as a friend!!!

@anotherunreadblog you are the mutual!!! you are so nice, sweet, cool, talented, cultured, and i could keep going on forever! love you!! 💙

@darknightfrombeyond you are the cool, slightly intimidating because their so good, mutual!!! you are also one of my sweetest mutuals, with the coolest updates! you’ve got it all! love you! ^ _ ^

@water-writings hey mel!!!!! you are so sweet and supportive to everyone and your are so talented too and i love you!! and i am so happy your at a better job now!!!!! 💙

@elenapetrova hey tessa!!! god, we’ve been friends for so long now! this is the second birthday i’ve been your friend and i hope many more to come!!! you are so strong and so good and so so amazing!!! i love you a lot and i hope you know that!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️

@taylorswiftrulestheworld heather! we just started talking, but your really sweet and talented and i had to include you!!

@perhapspearl pearl!! hello friend!!! i love whenever you rb things, and wow your writing is so good, regardless of whether it’s for your wonderful ocs or canon! and you have a gift for gifs too!! you are wonderful and talented!!

@richitozier hey mara!!!! you are so cool and you have such good taste in like, everything, and you are so fun to interact with!!!! love you!! ❤️

@lizziesxltzmxn hey Ali!!!!! you are a beloved mutual and i love talking to you and i love when you update about the things your watching/reading/etc, bc i always love to hear your thoughts on things!!!!

@starcrossedjedis hey sara!!!!!!! you are one of my favorite people ever, and even if your going through a rough time right now, your still the best, and ill always believe in you! love you a lot!!

@aceyanaheim hey acey!!!! you have the coolest ideas and i am so excited whenever i see you in my notifications and on my dash!!!! i love you!!!

@wokenhardies hey Siobhan!!! taking with you is a treasure!!!!! in fact, your a treasure!!!! i love you a lot!!!

@squirrelstone Squirrel!!! my cherished friend!!! i love you and all of your creations so so much!!!!!!! also, you are just the best!!!!!! this site wouldn’t be the same without you in it and i am so glad your here!!!

@alghulnyssa hello Flop! you probably didn’t know many others on this list, but we’re buddies and i wanted to put you here! you have the best taste in so many things! and the prettiest edits!!! your last nyssa one lives rent free in my head! and you are part of the reason i made this blog! also, i am gonna to try to be on instagram more, im sorry.

@randomestfandoms-ocs hey maddie!!! ah, you are such a good friend and i love you so much!!!!!!!!!!! you are the sweetest and super talented!!! ❤️❤️💖💖💖💜💜💜💜💜

@iron-parkr hey Rory!!!!! i am super proud of you and how you handle all your responsibilities!!! all of your stories you have out are so good and i love them all! and even more, i love you!!!!

@myoc-eansmind hey sof!!!!!!!! we haven’t been friends for too long, but you are such a good one and i love you!!!! also, you are just the sweetest!

@nightwingshero hey jodeci!!!!! your writing is so so good!!!! and i love your ocs, they have such cool and unique storylines!!! also, you are so nice and cool!!!!!!! :)

@ceruleanmusings mack!!!!! hello friend!!!!! i swear, reading anything you write is an absolute privilege i’m glad you allow!!! also, talking to yiu is always a highlight of my day!!! 💙💙💙

@raging-violets hey Ri!! Hey Rhu!!! god i love you both so so much!!!!!! from bonding over to shared interests to learning about things like narnia! being your friend is so so good!!! riley i admire your confidence in life! rhuben i admire your ability to never give up! and i love both of you so much!!!

@ben-bcrnes hey becca!!! you are so passionate about so many things and i love seeing you on my dash!!! ❤️❤️❤️

@stanshollaand hey!!! your blog and your ocs are so so cool, and even there only half as cool as you are!!! i hope to interact more in the future bc your awesome!!!

@cecesxwickedxocs hey cece!!! you are one of the most creative people i know!!!!!!! also, i love hearing about how your days going and your interests!!!

@fiercefray rachel my beloved!!!! i love you so so much!!!!!! you always come up with the coolest stuff for your ocs, and you have so many awesome interests!!!! and behind that, i just really love you a lot!!!!

@inkoutsidethelines ink!!!! hey buddy!!!!!!!!!!! you are so so amazing!!!! i love learning about you and your ocs and i hope to more!!!!

@padmeisqueen aaron!!!!!! we don’t talk a lot and i hope to change that, but from what i know you are super sweet and nice and make the prettiest aesthetics!!!!!

@the-october-reviewer hey ash!!! it’s been a minute, but if course you’d be on this post!!!! we’ve been friends for about 2 years now, if i’ve done my math correctly, and it’s been amazing!!!!! i love you so much, and i always love hearing about what’s caught your eye!

@pock-galliard sairaid!!! you are so cool and i love seeing all your posts on my dash!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@codenamekryptonite V!!!!! hey, love. it’s been a minute since we’ve talked, but i love you so so much, so i had to our you in this post!!!!!! you are such a good person and i love you and your ideas so so much!!!!! 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

@superspookyjanelle hey janelle!!! you put out so much quality content and i admire you so much for it!!!!

@ofbadcharacters hey gabbie!! idk if you still check your blog, but i love and miss you, and you made me feel so welcome last year, i had to include you in this post!! you are such a good friend and i really miss you! love you! ❤️

@phoebestarks hey phia!!!!!! you have the best, super intricate plots and i am constantly in awe!!!! also, you are so nice to converse with!!!

@whctsherncme-archive hey madi! you de-activated, bir i love you and you belong on this list!!!! you were such a good friend with the best ideas and i miss talking to you, and you, so much!

@mystic-scripture gwen!!!! it’s been a minute since we’ve talked, but we’re friends!!!!! i love you and your ocs so much! you always knock it out of the park from the mcgrath clan to alex!!!!! your so good!!!!

@avengiers hey ari!!!!!!!! you are so so cool, and everything you make is so so pretty, and i just wanted to tell you that!

@shanaoharas hey dylan! you stopped using this account, but i wanted to include this bc we were good friends! and i have been meaning to catch up on your excellent stories! love you a lot!!!!

@cassercole hey lizzie, you are no longer with us, but i didn’t manage to make this post when you were like i meant to, so I wanted to add you. you were the first oc creator i followed (first account, actually) and you always made me so welcome in everything! you introduced me to so many things i love and i really miss you.

[theworld-accordingtocasey]

[[MORE]]

Now that I’m on desktop it’s come to my attention how extreme the degree to which mental illness has had me hiding, lurking, ducking, diving, “later”-ing and otherwise avoiding reblogging or sharing my thoughts . I have made sporadic appearances but then go back into hiding by way of either drafting what I thought I wanted to post but didn’t want to be seen avoiding socializing or using a side blog to rb those things where I could do it w/o the pressure to add commentary in the tags or even have anyone know I’m online to begin with. I do use that blog mostly w/ a theme pep it’s not just a post dump acct but the point here is that apparently I’ve got 794 drafts 😅 so I’ll probably be queueing those up shortly lol

umm…so since apparently December 2020 (😳😨) I’ve been on-again off-again Tumblring selectively a lot of “late” shit or outdated “news” may show up typed in a way as if it was just brought to my attn or is fresh info; well, it was at the time and that was my reaction, at the time, so no I’m not necessarily harping on a thing from over a year ago unless a fucking Kris pic shows up in which case pls message me to tell me. I went thru and tried to delete any of them out of my drafts but I may have missed it unintentionally

[spaceorphan18]

Ted Lasso Thoughts

One of the reasons I resist watching these things is that I end up binge watching things, so if you’ve been wondering why I’ve been gone for the last few days (I’m sure no one noticed) it’s because I’ve gotten through both seasons of Ted Lasso in, like, three days.  

Thanks, @ckerouac 

I’m gonna put thoughts under a cut - cause you know, spoilers. 

In general, I did enjoy it.  (I don’t usually binge things I don’t enjoy.)  It is a lot like Schitt’s Creek, or the inverse of it, in that it takes a positive character and inserts them into a negative place.  The joy of this show is that the positivity wins out - and spreads.  I’m really grateful that comedies have taken this route, lately.  The mean spirited and/or dumb humor of the 90s and 00s is being replaced by things like The Good Place, Schitt’s Creek, and Ted Lasso.  And I find that really refreshing.  Because I’m over comedy needing to be mean to be worth something. 

This show does its arcs very well, and the story is mostly about character - and I really appreciate that.  I’m also amused that season 1 was very much a half hour sitcom while season 2 was very much an hour long dramady.  Why not bridge genres? It was fascinating. 

Alright, bullet points! 

I really appreciate all the humor in the cultural differences between America and the UK.  That’s a lot of fun.  

I like Ted Lasso.  So, I get the trajectory of the character during season 1 (And into season 2), but am not a huge fan of s1′s divorce stuff.  Idk why - I just don’t like the (ex-)wife.  And it felt like the story was there to give him something in his life that wasn’t so blindly happy. 

Interestingly, in season 2 - I did like where they went with Ted.  He’s much more human.  And I really enjoyed the exploration of mental illness.  It’s kind of expected as stories and characters get fleshed out, but he seemed to take a backseat to pretty much everyone else.  That’s not necessarily a bad thing - but I found it worth noting.  

Also - I read that this series was pitched for three seasons, and I kind of see the structure they’re setting up here.  It’ll fascinating to watch things play out next year, but I’m sure current story lines will end.  And something really new will happen with a fourth season if they decide to go further.  

RB, I’m talking about structure, I hope you’re happy. 

I like Beard.  I really appreciate someone who can pull off mostly deadpan one-liners.  The episode dedicated to him was super weird (though I guess two episodes were added to the order?) and it felt like that obligatory episode that feels surreal, but it’s a stand alone and you can just move past.  It was so weird.  

I’m glad they moved beyond Rebecca being this super villain type and let her be a real person.  I really like her - even more in season 2 when she gets character development! 

The real supervillain of this show is her ex-husband.  I mean, I am not spoiled - but can we all agree this ends in them winning the whole thing against Rupert at the end of the season? That is how three act structures work.  

Again, with the structure, RB I know you’re cackling somewhere.  

I love Higgins.  Just he is the most fantastic and I love him. And his family.  

I do not like Nate.  I see what they’re doing -- everyone is moving dark to light on this show and he’s moving light to dark.  But I am not a fan.  I know they’ll redeem him at the end when Rupert screws him over, but I’m just... ug about all of it. 

I like Keeley.  She’s not my favorite, but I like what she adds to the show.  I really appreciate how supportive women are of each other in this show across the board.  There’s not enough of it, especially on TV.  It’s a really nice change (especially after watching Glee for so long.) 

I like Roy.  I like Roy for all the reasons you like Roy.  How do you not like Roy? 

I really love his relationship with his niece - it’s really special that they have this in there.  

While I’m not overly invested in it, I do like Roy and Keeley’s relationship.  They aren’t toxic.  They’re an adult relationship with issues that people have to work through.  It’s really refreshing to see that.  

I LOVE THE TEAM.  All of them, I just love them.  I love how they have their own little quirks that we get to know -- especially in season 2.  I love when the show focuses on them.  I just adore them. 

Sam might be my favorite.  I do adore him.  

I still have mixed feelings about Jamie Tart.  He comes around a lot by late season 2, but it takes a while to get there.  At least he’s growing.  

The smaller characters I’m also really fond of.  Trent Crim, Independent - love him and I hope he is back in some way for season 3.  The fan-idiots at the bar.  The bar owner.  All of the one-off characters you meet along the way.  So good. 

Also, they’ll recall a beat an episode or five later -- and I appreciate the world building that goes into the show.  

I also find Lasso’s vendetta against tea hilarious.  

It’s the small things.  

I really enjoyed the show.  Looking forward to season 3 :) 

[gullethead]

what is your opinion on tamsyn muir discourse (and also what is the discourse)

THANK you. okay warning for discussion of fictional sexual assault, real life CSA (not something she did), plus 2012-era homestuck fandom typical stuff

please rb this btw, unless you dont want to, in which case dont. also if you have any corrections or additional information to consider please add by all means

disclaimer: im not in the habit of writing essays defending whichever internet personalities i like. ill admit theres potential bias, given that i read the books before i learned about this, but im really being as objective as possible and i just think people are taking a misguided or half-formed stance on this. if you still dislike her or w/e after this thats, like, perfectly in your rights. im not defending an adult woman on the internet, im explaining the facts as ive seen them and understand them. additional disclaimer that i havent experienced sexual assault at all myself

okay so tamsyn muir is currently well-known as the author of the locked tomb trilogy (aka gideon the ninth and harrow the ninth), but for a certain section of tumblr shes also well known as urbanAnchorite, and used to be a big name fan on here up until around 2014 - pretty close to everything here is going to be from roughly 2011 through 2014, except for an interview im gonna get into, so 7-10 years ago. i was only vaguely aware of her until after i got into the locked tomb and saw people talking about this. with that in mind:

so the MAJORITY of the discourse revolves around a single fic she wrote on AO3. her account has 19 works in homestuck, and some of them are Kinda Weird to Pretty Bad in retrospect, but being completely honest this is the only one that isnt completely stock standard for homestuck fandom in that time period. like if we started casting stones about ten year old fandom stuff we'd be here all day

here is the fic (warning for CSA)

in most of the posts about it ive seen, theyve described it as a "rapefic," but actually reading it, it's a lot more nuanced than that description implies. its a dark story where a grown man abuses a girl, from the man's perspective, and the story ends with him being killed by her friend. the description of the assault is treated very seriously by the story and barely even touches on any actual sex, before immediately cutting to him being killed. its lolita if humbert got shot to death; the title itself comes FROM lolita

(sidenote - it was inspired by a prompt on kinkmeme, but that doesn't really mean anything vis a vis being intended for sexual enjoyment, and according to the note actually went against the spirit of the request)

ive seen fics, lots and lots of fics, that would qualify as the term "rapefic." it tends to be pretty fucking obvious when someone is using sexual assault as a fetish, and this is Not That

tamsyn herself actually responded to this in an excellent interview early last year. she gets into some Fandom Mom type language, but essentially says what i said above. in it, she also says this:

It’s not the first time I’ve been accused of being a paedophile. I grew up gay in the nineties. Homosexuality and paedophilia were enmeshed in society’s minds. When I came out, I got told that I shouldn’t be around children. I was used to that because it was common discourse, and it hurt like all hell, but it didn’t shock me. When I got called a paedophile by Twitter I got clotheslined. My support network had to get in pronto. I was very ready to have a hot date with a length of rope, a date I have arranged and cancelled multiple times over my life. I have had lots and lots of therapy over the years for various conditions, some of them lifelong and some not, but when that Twitter call-out happened it was hard to want to live. I thought I knew so intimately what I was doing with my fiction; my therapist was always so supportive of me writing about it. I have not been open about being a CSA survivor because, again, I grew up in the ‘90s. ‘Lesbian’ and ‘CSA survivor’ is just carte blanche so a whole queue of people can tell you, I HOPE ONE DAY, WITH LOVE AND SUPPORT, YOU CAN BE STRAIGHT. It was like, right this way to the invalidation booth. I didn’t even tell most of my girlfriends! I told one! It’s not a topic of discussion between me and my family; I am relying on them not reading my interviews so it can remain where it belongs: thoroughly undiscussed!

with this context it becomes... a lot more nuanced of a topic. an author who experienced CSA in addition to growing up in a cultural climate where gay people were pedophiles by default, especially growing up catholic in a rural community, wrote a work about childhood sexual assault (which also happened to be fanfiction) as a way of working through it for herself, which is... something a lot of artists do with their art? and in return she got a massive blowback on twitter accusing her of pedophilia and demanding she talk about a massively traumatic moment in her life

this is the major sticking point of the discourse, im not gonna get into anything else on this post, but this is my view of it. if you disagree or have anything to add then feel free to add on. again, i know what it looks like, but im not trying to uncritically defend a stranger just cause i like her book. this is the conclusion i came to after doing a lot of digging for myself

[shattered-catalyst]

OCD Subtypes for the RPC

Part 1 is here

Well well well, we are back for Part 2 of the Roleplayer’s Guide to OCD.

Fellow Ocd Folks, I see you in those tags and I'm going to do my best to ensure those obsessions are represented here- BUT understand that physically it is not going to be possible to list every single one because I am one person.  Regardless its incredibly brave of you all to rb and add things in the tags, I know its hard to talk about this shit and I see you. I see you.

Resultantly I typed this out and posted it in formatting to assist with accessibility in mind; if you cannot read it still ( I tried Im sorry!) i recommend the copy and paste method or getting the chrome extension bee-line reader.

 There will be grammatical and spelling mistakes. Im sure spacing is odd some places, but you have to understand doing this is extremely anxiety provoking for me so Im just getting it done when I can.

Remember to use your critical thinking; not everyone has the same symptoms/compulsions/triggers and all that.

OCD is fluid. Its like liquid mercury. One day its a handful of subtypes another day its another different serving.

If you are in general squicked about certain topics even by mention read ahead with your own judgement. Remember us folks that have OCD have many disturbing and distressing experiences so if you are writing a character who has OCD and you can’t read about it just don’t give them that obsessive thought/ compulsion. Make sure writing is still a safe and enjoyable hobby for yourself first and foremost.

But ethically and morally I cannot and will not leave out the more disturbing bits. You have the ability to scroll by, I and many others do not get the chance to escape triggering content that our own mind creates.

So read ahead with your best judgement or at least skip around the squicky parts and educate yourself on what OCD is so people quite using it as a Obsessive Christmas/Corgi/Cat Disorder thing. Alright? Cool beans.

Okay so you made it passed post 1 and got under the read more. Give yourself a gold star for diving into this monster of a document.

Below is a crash course it is not meant to replace actual psychoeducation, personal research, or google. Honestly most of us do our research extensively but because OCD is treated so horribly by social media, media, and society in general.

I wasn’t sure where to throw these together because the education tools to learn fully about OCD are very specialized and thus very restricted. I found that many people DO have these experiences with OCD though so I will represent them throughout. I’ll also sprinkle some of my own experiences so you can get a good reference of a person who has the disorder and not just a randomly generated person.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

So OCD is made up of Obsessions, Trigger, Intrusive thought, Misinterpretation/feared consequence,Somatic and Psychological Anxiety, and Compulsions/Rituals.

Your character may not be able to list all of these. In fact if they aren't in ERP therapy they may not be able to puzzle these things out. But YOU as the writer should know them. Your character won’t be walking around talking to just ANYONE that they have OCD. Remember a huge aspect of OCD is it’s Shame.  The disorder makes us feel intense shame regarding our intrusive thoughts, as a result OCD goes undiagnosed for years especially if it has pediatric onset.

  We won’t tell anyone what we are experiencing or why we are doing x y or z. We act like nothing is wrong because to emotionally react is to admit to yourself- and therefore the world- that you have had this intrusive thought and are therefore by virtue a horrible person.[For further information I would suggest also researching PANDAS].

It may be noticeable if your character has an intrusive thought. They may wince or grimace or roll their eyes certainly, but they won’t open up to Joe at the cafe about how their brain is constantly torturing them. I apparently have a very noticeable eye twitch.

 Depending on the nature of the intrusive thought it will get more or less of a reaction out of me. Its usually dependent on how distressing the intrusive thought is and/or if its a new one.

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You see OCD doesn’t sit still. It never looks the same. You’ll have your long haul intrusive thoughts that are with you for years but then you’ll have weird ass ones that just appear and demand their voice be heard yelling about cars hitting people or squirrels getting eaten.

Some people have similar ones! So while everyone is different there will always be someone out there with an intrusive thought similar to yours.

 For instance; I bonded emotionally with a lady on reddit because we both have intrusive thoughts during storms that animals and the homeless are dying. We were both horribly relieved to find another person and also distressed that every snow or rain storm brings horrible images and whispers to your mind that while you are warm and snug in bed someone is freezing to death. And its all your fault.

Some days are better than others. As with all mental illnesses it isn’t CONSTANT ALARM BELLS. Some days it will be all alarms and other days it will be like a gentle whisper on the breeze. You can almost not notice it. Almost.

Obsessive thoughts run the gauntlet from ‘i will/could have/may/may accidentally harm etc’ something that you hold of value. This is any obsessive thought that you have: you think about repeatedly and not by choice, it is very anxiety provoking, it is unwanted, and unwelcome.

 Mine run the scale from ‘squirrel will be murdered’ to ‘being responsible for harm’.

Compulsions or ‘rituals’ are any behavior done to alleviate the anxiety from the intrusive thought and trigger object. In short, compulsions and rituals are not fun. they are absolutely not logical, and we know they are not logical but we are forced to do them. Thats why its a disorder. 

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To emphasize from post 1: magical thinking and the faulty link between thoughts and actions are hallmarks of OCD.  Magical thinking can be anything from contamination to if I turn around three times or stare really hard at something the bad thing wont happen. Sounds weird and is weird and we know it is thats why its a disorder and not a delusion.

The faulty belief that thought=action is the biggest hurdle it is incredibly difficult to grasp, at least for me maybe some of you that have done further ERP can attest, that the mere concept of a thought not being the same as an action is completely and totally mind blowing.

Free will? Yeah thats terrifying. IDK about anyone else but free will is absolutely terrifying; what do you mean i could do anything i wanted?

Thats how you face OCD(WITH A TRAINED THERAPIST). You give in to ambiguity and the unknown. Its breaking that link between thought and action. Its incredibly difficult and draining. A five minute exposure leaves me in shatters for a week and two five minute ones had me ripping my nails past the nail beds with anxiety.

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Just a reminder: Do not have your character expose themself or expose folks with OCD to a trigger to “ help us get over with”. That is literally forcing someone with a mental illness into a break down and is not helpful. In fact its worse because a person knows about this intrusive thought and they tried to make it real. More shame and some trauma. 

If you have OCD, more likely than not a family member or significant other has tried this with the purest of intentions. But it never works like that. Theres a reason that therapists get special training for this. If people want a post on ERP I can make one at some point. 

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Actually let’s drag me with the squirrel thing as the example- fellow OCD Folks get out a pen and paper and try breaking down one of yours;

Obsession:Squirrel will be murdered

Trigger: seeing a squirrel

 Intrusive thought: Graphic images of a squirrel being murdered by a hawk/ impaling depending on the day

Misinterpretation/feared consequence: Squirrel will be killed and its all my fault

Somatic and Psychological Anxiety:intense anxiety, palms sweating, heart racing,

Compulsions/Rituals: Must stare at the squirrel to prevent bad things from happening, 

Now imagine if that is every time you see a fucking squirrel. You have somehow become completely and totally transfixed on a squirrel and nothing is going to pull your attention away or the squirrel dies- which your mind is giving you lovely images of btw.

Cute right?

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Below are the subtypes with general information/example thoughts/ and how some of these have impacted me socially because apparently some people dont understand that mental illnesses impact their social lives?? yall...

Social: This can range from ‘ i am constantly thinking i did something wrong so i have to ask for reassurance that we are still friends’ to completely unrealistic worries. Maybe its an intrusive thought that ‘ your voice is annoying them’ . There’s reassurance seeking, internal and external checking.

 It makes friendships extremely difficult and exhausting. You’re not trying to get to know someone with an annoying frat boy egging on anxiety in your brain. This can also manifest as having strict rules for yourself and ethical codes. 

My therapist likes to say she could give us (folks with OCD) a pile of hundred dollar bills and come back and they’d all be returned. Because OCD makes you so strict and morally confined. Which ISNT fun. Like I dont get pleasure over having to memorize the entire Code of Conduct!

Social Media: Its the bane of human existence some days and a lifeline the next. But what if everytime your follower count was an odd/even number it sent you into a panic attack. What if you spent all your time with intrusive thoughts that somehow someone misinterpreted a post or that someone is going to be harmed by a post you made about tapirs. 

You may be forced to block people to get your number down or keep pornbots on your blog to keep your number what you like (see there is a use for them! We sacrifice those before actual users!) You may be refreshing your page every second because ‘what if you miss a message’. It's going to look a lot like ‘check check check check reassure yourself double check your posts check check check reassure check check FALSE MEMORY check your post etc’

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Clothing/Body Image: When its not Body Dysmorphia it can be OCD. Sometimes this looks like I obsess about a body part and therefore I choose my clothes/hairstyles to hide those.  Some personal examples: as a kid I was sure that mind readers exist ( THIS IS AN OCD THING TOO I was so relieved to find that out) and that if i didnt wear  a particular hat they would see all these horrible thoughts and it would be revealed what an awful person I was. So I wore the same dumb ass bucket hat for a year (or more I cannot remember but it was a long ass time).

I was once so fixated on being given a compliment on my eye color that I wore sunglasses (even at night) to a summer camp. And if any of those teen girls in that cabin that stood up and mocked me in a crowded lunch hall by singing ‘i wear my sunglasses at night’ you all owe me 40$.

Even younger still I had intrusive thoughts. Like say, if anyone noticed I was female that i would be kidnapped so I chopped my hair very short. I altered my appearance to be very androgynous and even switched to walking more masculine. Because omg if your hips move someones going to kill you thats just how it works. ( It doesnt help I later figured out I was a lesbian)

Your wardrobe may be impacted by OCD and yes so can your body image.

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Also yes the fear of mind readers is also a thing; i always thought I was somehow faking OCD because yes that is also a…..

Faking: Do you value telling the truth? Do you detest lying ? Boy Howdy do I have some news for you. OCD is going to try and convince you that YOU LIED. Whether it was on a chastity pledge to get a free sandwich or in a conversation you just HAD. This links a lot with false memory OCD.

Another aspect is OCD makes us doubt we have OCD and tries to convince us we have any other diagnosis under the sun and we are obviously faking our OCD.

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Sexual Orientation OCD; It is as it is called. Sexual Orientation OCD is what happens when your brain goes ‘hold on what if you’re not this orientation what if you are THAT’. It doesn’t matter where on the LGBT umbrella you fall you will have OCD trying to convince you otherwise. From compulsive staring at members of the same/opposite gender to compulsively reassuring or checking with yourself to ensure that ‘ no no you are in fact THIS orientation.’ 

This can range in behavior from binge watching porn, staring compulsively to check that there is OR is NOT attraction,self checking past experiences and memories, analyzing your clothing and your lifestyle in painful and intricate methods.

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False Memory OCD; False memory OCD is basically your brain sitting you in a noir interrogation room, handcuffing you to a chair grilling you. It demands that you did *insert bad thing here*. This can range from anything from something Harm based to pretty much *anything* from other OCD subtypes. Which is quite delightful really.

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Sensorimotor OCD; Sensorimotor OCD is obsessive body responses. These can be ‘ I have to cough really hard and really feel it right in my chest and if I can’t get it right I have to cough until I do’. This can be counting your heartbeats. Trying to check yourself that you in fact have a heart and checking and reassuring that it is still beating. It can be hyper-awareness of swallowing or even swallowing repeatedly. It is anything with selective attention; ie its an automated process but your OCD is forcing you to be aware of it.

Your OCD makes you aware of the sensation of, say, breathing, and then it convinces you that if you stop paying attention to it you will stop breathing. So now you’re horribly aware and focused solely on breathing and breathing alone. It keeps me up most nights with the pounding anxiety fueled by the pressure of ‘if you stop focusing on breathing you will stop breathing completely’ or waiting to feel that last heartbeat in your chest. 

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Existential OCD; You ever feel existential ? Existential OCD is like having a very aggressive existential crisis that turns you into NEEDING answers IMMEDIATELY. This can look anything from hours panic scrolling the net to panic inducing anxiety because you don't know what happens after death. The thoughts are like foghorns on a misty sea.

This sounds basic and the only example i can give is as a teeny tiny 7 year old I had a panic attack in bed screaming that ‘ what if im a dinosaur and im asleep and i wake up and my whole family is GONE’.

To be fair I did like dinosaurs a lot.

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Harm OCD; This is pretty self explanatory but I will give more details. Harm OCD is OCD demanding that you will/could/can/may have/might harmed yourself/others/any living creature and that you alone are responsible. 

This means anything from getting anxious driving over crosswalks because ‘what if you dont see one and hit someone and its all your fault and you hit someone go back and make sure you havent hit anyone’ to ‘im holding a knife so im going to accidentally stab someone’ to ‘ i didnt see my cat this morning and now im at work and think she must be dead and i am responsible for her demise.’

 It can be as simple as ‘if i use a pencil i will stab myself in the eye’ or as complex as ‘ i may accidentally say a slur’/ ‘ i am going to say this horrible thing out loud if i cannot control myself.’ It can also be images of terror or racist/sexist/ableist jokes in your mind that repeat like a broken record.

(Please note from section 1 that this is extremely anxiety provoking and not something you would do. OCD preys on what we respect the most.)

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pOCD; Tumblr listen the fuck up because I am tired of seeing people get called shit on this website for having this mental illness. People who experience pOCD are not pedophiles, they do not get any pleasure or benefit. The thoughts and images are meant to induce harm to the person experiencing them. Children are normally the trigger for this and the resulting images can be very graphic. Again you aren’t attracted to children- thoughts of them getting harmed hurt you so your OCD makes you see them.

Know this so you can advocate for folks with pOCD in real life. Remember we are here. We are suffering and we are terrified of your children.

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Poisoning others/or in your food; Life isn’t medieval anymore but sometimes OCD demands we have a food taster or that we obsessively worry that we may kill someone with our cooking. Personally I struggle with colorblindness so I am constantly fretful over cooking any sort of meat so it’s difficult for me to cook it.

 However this also comes as; obsessive horrible thoughts of your cooking kill someone or that you have somehow/accidentally poisoned someone’s food (even if you haven’t touched it or been within a foot of it ) or that someone has poisoned YOUR food even if no one has touched it except you. You’re going to be picking apart your food or unable to eat out at all.

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Emotional Contamination: It’s similar to magical thinking and this terrifying prospect of mind readers. Emotional contamination can manifest as anything from intense worry over somehow gaining someone else’s negative personality traits.

 Or that somehow by interacting with any role of someone horrible will make YOU somehow also responsible for the horribleness.  There is usually a person or a type of person that is a trigger, but it can also be location based.

 This is one subtype where magical thinking and superstition are apparent.  

For instance; as a teen if a male was in my space or had physical contact;like shaking hands,giving a high five, being in my room etc. I would have to go around and physically touch all the objects that I perceive they may have also touched as a way to cancel out their presence. 

This includes wiping off myself to negate even the touch of family members. It really hurts peoples feelings, my father was especially hurt by this.

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Physical Contamination: This goes beyond physical dirt and grime. Most of us dont have spotless homes because if you’re having a fist fight with your brain everyday cleaning falls by the wayside just like it would for anyone else. Physical contamination holds 2 things: physical contamination obsessions AND compulsive cleaning behaviors/rituals. We believe that a small amount of a contaminate can cover large surfaces.

 Oh, and did I mention its not JUST dirt/germs/viruses. The list is expansive but heres a mixed bag of what they can be: sticky substances,dead animals,glitter (FUCKING GLITTER),negative words or language,colors, numbers, surfaces in general, food, people, and activities.  There is also a hyper responsibility to protect yourself and others from ‘contamination’.

Strangely there is a magical separation between the contaminated world and the ‘clean’ one. Spaces designated as clean would be a bedroom/bathroom/workspace where you are most active. That space is where the compulsions and intrusive thoughts occur. Its not I MUST CLEAN EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. Otherwise I would be working cleaning houses because why the hell not amiright?

A real world example from a colleague would be a young man with physical contamination OCD is struck with such intrusive thoughts about cleaning that they refuse to allow anyone in their room or any animals in their home. But they are not able to even flush the toilet, take out the trash, wash dishes, or do garbage because of their intrusive thoughts.

The most famous would be compulsive hand washing but I feel it is important to also note OTHER aspects of physical contamination because everyone sees the hand scrubbing stereotype. 

Other compulsions include intricate rituals, not touching the floor (i played X-treme the floor is lava during college. I couldnt let my feet touch the floor because it was ‘dirty’),excessive showering (2-8+ hour showers guys, 8 hour showers. Thats what we’re talking about.)

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Relationship OCD: This comes as no surprise that yes you will have intrusive thoughts that you are somehow harming/ will harm/ may accidentally harm your significant other. Whether that be by physical or emotional means. It can look like ‘ I may have lied to her about how much I love her’, ‘ i may not actually love her and I may be leading her on’, and ‘ I must be corrupting her’. These can extend to certain physical activities with false memory OCD as a cherry on top. A great finishing garnish to leave you feeling absolutely dismayed and unable to trust your own perception.

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Scrupulosity: Religion! Whatever that may be! Its a thing with OCD.  With Scrupulosity obsessive thoughts run all over the board from; you committed a sin and forgot about it you monster to having to pray continuously/ a certain time/ until its right. What is right?Ask OCD that’s the only person who knows. 

We are fairly certain my grandfather had OCD because he went to church for every single Catholic Mass. Every single day. Every. Single. Day.  That’s not a healthy amount of attendance(I'm calling you out posthumously because I care Robert!). This can also look like: praying a certain amount of times. Praying until you do it ‘right’. Confessing every single potential sin. Cataloguing and dwelling over ‘sinful’ things. 

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Symmetry or Just Right OCD: Symmetry OCD is the runner up for ‘most likely recognized on tv shows’ award.

Symmetry OCD convinces you that if *insert thing here* isnt symmetrical or ‘just right’ (a magical position or number of objects that makes 0 logical sense) that something bad will happen.

This can range from the known; rearranging things. But it also looks like buying more objects until you reach the right amount and even throwing out objects if theres ‘too many’.

It can range from ‘the walls are percievably not straight so now i avoid that room at all costs otherwise i will be trapped traveling the edges of the wall with my eyes otherwise it will fall in and murder us ALL.’ to ‘ this historical bust is one inch off to the left and now all i see is visions of it breaking against the ground.’

So that is what I have time for. 9 pages on subtypes and basic information. If you find yourself wanting me information all of this is easily accessible online. So go, be free and dont ever compare people to Monk again. Write Batman and Scott Summers with OCD. Give us ACTUAL representation and not throw away joke lines. We are here. Our suffering isnt funny. We deserve representation too.

[many-gay-magpies]

@honeyseungz @loabivey so that uh. that mini au that you had like a very small rb thread about yesterday (well over a few days ago now that im posting this). well uh. um . actually you know what im just gonna let you read it yourselves

so. heeseung, jay, and sunoo are all brothers. wether its actual brothers or just "brothers" by blood bond or whatever idk. but, regardless, they're brothers. im thinking that like, at first they aren't vampires, theyre just regular dudes yknow? (and just a forewarning, a lot of this isnt gonna be as compliant with the enhaverse theorizing we've done so far, it's just a little brain worm i wanted to play around with, throwing a little bit of enhaverse crumbs in here and there)

but anyway. they're not vampires, im thinking theyre just like... adopted/found family brothers, probably orphans or something. regardless they love each other a lot and its great. personality-wise everything is super different, but just for plot conveniences, heeseung, jay, and sunoo are the yunmeng trio (heeseung as wwx, jay as jc, and sunoo as jyl respectively), and jungwon is lwj.

the three brothers meet jungwon, probably brought together by this Big Fantasy Evil, maybe something involving the vampire queen as a character? idk. there's some big evil shit going down, and the three brothers somehow end up with jungwon and HIS big bro, who im imagining is jake (basically the lan xichen in this situation—very soft, kind, gentle; the vibes are right). both of them are vampires, not that our three orphan bois know that. they get caught up in the danger, and vampire bros jake and jungwon coms to the rescue.

now, a little bit of personality-mapping here: jay is outwardly very loud, fun, temperamental, and sarcastic, generally very much like he is irl; but inside, he's intensely loyal, protective, and loving, with a HUGE soft spot for the people closest to him. sunoo is very sweet, sensitive, and kind—the walking hug of the three brothers, who is certainly not without his bite and wont hesitate to talk back to anyone who hurts them. aggressively and without mercy. also he makes them soup for comfort and is generally best boy. heeseung is very goofy, playful, free-spirited, and bright, but insecure and sensitive underneath it all; generally a loud annoying mess of a boy. pure chaotic neutral and a gremlin if there ever was one. jungwon, on the other hand, is... not. he's nervous, quiet, cautious to a fault and intensely righteous, always standing up for what's right and refusing to waver from his chosen path. very lawful good vibes. he, naturally, is more than a little put off when jay, sunoo, and heeseung's chaotic ass come crashing into he and his brother jake's once-peaceful (ish) lives. and it doesn't help that heeseung is a... huge flirt, and apparently deadset on making jungwon his friend. fuck.

jungwon... doesn't know what to do. and it would all be so much easier if heeseung were dumb or stupid or unattractive or just a total asshole—but he isnt any of those things. he's beautiful, smart, insanely witty with a brain faster than any jungwon's ever seen—he can't help but admire him. but on top of that, he's wreckless as hell, unpredictable, and pushy, and gives jungwon heart attacks way too much for his liking. he doesn't even have a heartbeat. he's fucking dead.

it eventually comes out that jake and jungwon are vampires; the brothers are surprisingly cool with it. not the craziest thing that's happened to them.

the five boys get closer, staying together as they fight their foe (which im becoming increasingly inclined to make the werewolves), and through a series of convoluted events, jungwon learns that heeseung is not only gorgeous, smart, talented, and funny as all get-out, but also sensitive, caring, insecure, and thoughtful... and heeseung, who's only goal had been to break through the nervous and straightforward outer shell of his young dongsaeng, does just that. and jungwon, naturally, starts to fall in love.

somewhere along the line, though, things go wrong—as they were bound to do in an au loosely based off of the untamed. something happens to heeseung; he's fatally wounded after saving jay's life, and disappears, nowhere to be found. his brothers eventually assume the worse; that he's gone forever. but the queen finds him, takes care of him, nurses him back to health. turns him.

when he comes back, nothing's the same. the war is still going, and his brothers thought he was dead—but he isn't. but he's... different. jungwon and jake are quick to realize that he's been turned, how, they dont know—but they talk to him, teach him, try to help him, jungwon especially. of course he does; he's in love. heeseung, of course, is dismissive; doesn't take it seriously. ill be fine, whats so bad about this? or, perhaps, he doesn't let on just how hard he's taking it; fearing vulnerability more than he fears being a vampire.

inevitably, though, heeseung's wrecklessness leads to doom—he lets his bloodlust overtake him, relishes in it, no matter how much jungwon had warned him against it, pleaded with him to take caution. he says it's usefull—says he can help them take out enemies, help them win this war. jungwon warns him that he could end up getting more than he bargained for. heeseung doesn't listen.

heeseung helps them win the war; practically wins it for them. hes happy, bitterly, until he isnt. he's happy, until he sees his brother—sees sunoo. blood-covered, pale-skinned, drained.

no.

heeseung is broken. jay even moreso. jay yells at him; yells and yells and yells and yells. curses him out, tells him he hates him, tells him he's nothing but cruel evil—he doesn't mean it, of course, but no one knows it then, not even him. now he is only angry; so, so angry. heeseung, wrought with guilt and shame and grief, flees—hides himself somewhere secluded, does the closest thing a vampire can possibly do to death, the equivalent of a thousand-year hibernation. none can find him, he's made sure of that. in his guilt and shame and anger he stews, asleep, for hundreds, thousands of years.

after the anger passes, jay is more than anything in mourning—for heeseung as well as for sunoo. he has a realization, that being that, when, inevitably, heeseung comes back, he doesn't want him to be alone: even if he'll have jungwon and jake, it won't be the same as having his brother. so jay pleads, cries, begs for jungwon to turn him—so that they can search for heeseung together, so that when heeseung comes back, he'll have jay waiting for him, too. so, reluctantly, jungwon gives in and turns jay—after which he helps him deal with his newfound immortality and vampiric status—helping him handle his bloodlust and helping him learn how to feed. over the centuries that heeseung is gone, jay, jungwon, and jake grow even closer (j line eyyy), inseparable as they search for heeseung and even outside of that. jungwon and jay are the closest, jay growing a colossal soft spot for the boy and not hesitating to take him under his wing and protect him with all he has (initially, sort of as a replacement for protecting heeseung, but eventually jay's affection for jungwon grows into something all it's own). to be clear, no love triangle bullshit here, only sickening-sweet platonic soulmates jaywon and a jungwon that is still achingly in love with heeseung.

(okay for anyone thats actually watched cql/read mdzs, yes i KNOW lwj and jc did not get along at all and kind of hated each other but. this is my au i do what i want, and if i want to add soft jaywon into the mix then im fucking going to, goddamnit)

OKAY TIME FOR SOME WACKY SIDE-PLOT MADNESS

so. sunghoon. how does he fit into all this? how does he end up being the one to trigger heeseung's "resurrection"? how does heeseung GET resurrected in the first place? well, not to worry, you're about to find out! and i am too because i'm just figuring this out as i go along baybyyyy

sunghoon, im thinking, is a friend of jake's (lets throw some jakehoon in here too bcs why not), either from before everything went to shit and heeseung went and isolated himself, or sometime during the numerous centuries jakewon spent looking for heeseung with jay. either way, sunghoon is this boy who jake is friends with and cares about a lot, and is also maybe kind of in love with. while jaywon spend most of their time looking for heeseung, jake spends his with sunghoon—finding himself often alone, now that his little bother is going off on his own adventures.

in a situation quite similar to heeseung's, sunghoon probably gets fatally injured somehow and is near death, but jake, not wanting him to die, decides to turn him instead. niki is also involved, and it's a sort of package deal, because before meeting jakewon, heeseung, and everyone, they were their own little thing; not unlike jay, heeseung, and sunoo's brother's triad. they were both probably orphans, niki being the much younger one, and as such sunghoon took him under his wing and never looked back. when jake turned sunghoon, niki was basically like "m8 what the fuck" and demanded he be turned too, not wanting his sunghoon-hyung to live on forever while he grew old and died. jake, also having a soft spot for niki, was like "fine alright" and turned him too. so, now their little vampire coven numbered five, and all was (moderately) well.

or not.

the thing was, jake hadn't anticipated how powerful sunghoon would be—there's nothing in life that anyone's found yet that would indicate a person's level of power once turned, so jake had... pretty much no way to see this coming. but, anyway, sunghoon was... really, really powerful. like, insanely powerful. all the abilities vampires were said to have in legends, the likes of which were previously reserved for just legends, he had them; flawless teleportation, mind control, shape-shifting, the whole bit. and on top of that, he was controlled—insanely good at monitoring himself and keeping tabs on his own instincts. one of the most self-sufficient, well-mannered vampires jake had ever seen. it was... frankly insane.

the problem? the queen. this is where she comes in, because she's played a part in all the boys' transformations, albeit indirectly—when jake and jungwon first turned, it was she who turned them. she could sense sunghoon's power, and she wanted it for herself. jake and jungwon had done well at avoiding her, even forgetting about her for a while; but what she wanted, she took, and take she did. it was sunghoon she took: luring him to her in small increments and then all at once, taking control of him, turning him into a mindless puppet. sunghoon had always prided himself in control, and without it, havoc wreaked: bodies dropping left and right, people being killed seemingly at random, their only purpose being to instill fear and paranoia.

now, niki had heard tales, before, from his hyungs but also from regular townspeople to whom the legend had gotten passed down, of heeseung, and how great and terrible he was. heeseung, the townspeoples' folktales said, had been insane, unstoppable: a mad genius far too gone for redemption. niki also knew from his hyungs' fond stories that heeseung, more than evil, was kind and caring; he was loyal, and powerful in his loyalty, and niki thought that if anyone could save his sunghoon-hyung, it was heeseung.

so niki went on a journey. without telling jaywon or anyone else (and thus causing quite the panic), he spent years searching for heeseung, everywhere jaywon had thought to look and everywhere they hadn't, and twice more for good measure. and, by some stroke of luck, either due to his own sheer force of will of something else entirely, niki found him: locked away in an old castle that never quite seemed to stay put, constantly phasing in between realities. it made sense why no one had found him before then—he didn't want to be found. desperately, in fact.

but niki, too, was desperate. he enacted a ritual that was said (by jake, so of course it was to be trusted) to wake any vampire that had gone into hibernation, and, miracles continuing to work for the bitter young boy, it worked. heeseung awoke—startled to find himself staring into the face of a very teary, very angry (visibly) sixteen-year-old.

confusion passed, things and motives were explained, and heeseung (although bitter at having been woken up, and still riddled with enough guilt to last 1500 lifetimes) attempted to patiently tell niki that he had no fucking idea how to help sunghoon whatsoever. niki pretty much said "well you better fucking find a way because you're not going back to sleep now, the world's about to fucking end. also jay and jungwon-hyung have been looking for you for literal centuries, do you know how pissed theyd be if i went out looking for you, found you, then came back empty-handed? really fucking pissed is how much. also sad. did i mention sad?" and heeseung, notoriously weak and also kind of (read: very) in love, is just like "...jungwon? jay?"

so niki brings heeseung back to the others, the return journey taking a long enough time that the two become significantly close to each other, heeseung's long-forgotten big brother instincts (tm) kicking in around the younger vampire. niki has to basically drag heeseung out of the castle by his teeth, because as much as he misses his brother and jungwon, he's still so incredibly guilty, and completely convinced that he isnt worth love or life whatsoever and that jay still hates his guts. and, jungwon... he doesn't even want to think about jungwon. how he failed him. how he let him down. but, niki slowly works through the insecurities, bit by bit: assuring heeseung that, no, even though jay will definitely rip him a new one once he sees him again, he'll also cry and hug him for at least 24 hours because he misses him like hell and heeseungie hyung you have no idea.

they weather a lot together. storms, mental breakdowns, bouts of blood-starvation so severe heeseung thinks he'll lose it again: but they're there for each other. they hunt, talk, keep each other warm, and in it, form an unbreakable bond. niki had heard tales of the legendary lee heeseung, who wiped out entire armies in two seconds flat and comforted his friends when they were sad and annoyed jay to the very ends of the earth: but what he's faced with is a man with more insecurities than niki has hairs on his head—and he has a lot of hairs on his head.

by the time they make it back to the coven's home, heeseung has grown sufficiently attached to the enigma that is niki, and has almost completely but it out of his mind that he's here for his old friends, too. he's only doing this for niki: it's a fact he's comfortable with. so when they reach the front steps he just... freezes.

i have a very clear image of it in my head—jungwon, jay, and jake sense niki's presence, in some weird vampire-y way. it's been around 10, 15 years since he left at this point, so of course they rush out to greet him, ready with scoldings and lashings about how stupid he had been (after, of course, making sure he's unharmed and alright)—but it all dies on their tongues as soon as they see who's with him.

frozen. everything is frozen.

i imagine it's a lot like lulu and artzyy's post. jungwon is the first to move, stepping forward and whimpering out a broken "hyung", and all heeseung's guilt and avoidance is forgotten in favor of cradling jungwon to his chest, holding him close and whispering reassurances into the crown of his head, wonnie, im so sorry, hyung's so sorry; i didn't mean to leave you for so long, i'm here now, its okay. and of course then jay comes in, crying and screaming about how the fuck is it okay, how can it ever be okay, how could you just not mean to leave us alone for 1500 years?! how the fuck do you just expect to waltz back into our lives like nothing ever happened and pretend its all okay?!? and then he hits him, and hurts him, tries to make him feel even an inkling of the hurt he was made to feel for the past fifteen hundred years—but then punching him turns into fisting hands into the back of his shirt and sobbing into his neck and holding him so tight he wouldn't be able to breath if he had the need to and please, please don't leave, why would you leave, you asshole, why did you leave?

so yeah. things happen. reunions are had, tears are shed. some indirect heewon love confessions probably happen later on in the form of very intense devotions of life and self and all that. "walking on the single-log bridge in the dark really isnt so bad" you know the whole shbang. meanwhile jay salty in the background just like "cant you just say you love each other like normal human beings jesus fucking christ"

jayseung's relationship (or the reigniting of it) is, well, rocky. they're both conflicted—jay even more than heeseung. because, the thing is, heeseung killed sunoo. as regretful as he is, that doesn't make it any easier to forget. but he's back, and alive, and in one piece, and he isn't leaving, and jay knows it wasn't really his fault, he wasn't in control—but he killed him. he killed their brother. and it WAS his own stupid fault for losing control in the first place, for not listening to jungwon, so what the hell is jay supposed to think? he flip-flops between being intensely grateful that heeseung is back and okay and finally with them again, and then remembering what he's done, giving him the cold shoulder and not speaking to him for hours on end. and all the while, heeseung is riddled with guilt, and shame, and grief he'd suppressed for far too long; niki's stubbornness combined with jungwon's unwavering support being the only things keeping him from bolting into oblivion all over again. all in all, it's a difficult time—but they get there. eventually.

naturally, they save sunghoon. what else is there to do? they defeat the queen, break her control over their friend—and then jakehoon have their own teary reunion, not unlike heewon's, and sungki have theirs, not unlike jayseung's (although with a... considerable decrease in cursing and conflicted emotions, and a lot more immediate sobbing). they're a mess—sunghoon is traumatized, heeseung is traumatized, jay and niki are traumatized, they're all just fucking traumatized. jayseung will probably take a long time to get back to the way they once were, if it's even possible—there'll always be an empty space there, something gone, something missing, and it's one that can't be filled. jungwon barely lets heeseung out of sight or touch alike, and heeseung isn't much better off. jay's always been the more touchy one out of the three of them; but after years of missing, of longing, there's plenty of time to be made up, and heeseung is just... so, so soft, and warm, and being held by him is the loveliest thing jungwon's ever known.

AND NOW A SUNOO THING, BECAUSE THE IDEA OF ENHA LIVING HAPPILY EVER AFTER AS OT6 WITH SUNOO JUST FUCKING DEAD DOES. NOT WORK FOR ME

so like. sunoo isn't dead, or he doesn't stay dead, or not the soulless-unmoving kind of dead anyway. you know how necromancy and fierce corpses exist in donghua and shit? well they exist here too because fuck you and also i said so. i made myself sad and now im making it happy again goddamnit.

anyway. after he dies, sunoo gets found by the queen, too, and because she's all-powerful and whatnot she fucking necromances him—figures he'll be useful later. as he is, though, he's basically nothing more than a puppet; like wen ning and song lan were when they were being controlled. his soul isn't... gone exactly, just imprisoned, prevented from being able to come forward and command his body.

so. sunoo is still partially alive, and the boys (jay, jake, jungwon, sunghoon, niki, and whatnot)... don't know that. i imagine that for pretty much the entirety of the centuries that heeseung is gone, sunoo's status as a necromanced fierce corpse goes entirely unknown to them, and it's only after heeseung is brought back by niki that he starts to resurface. i imagine they realize it in a sort of tense, action-filled scenario: the boys have gone to investigate another attack, thinking it's sunghoon, but as it turns out the queen has had TWO undead corpses running around doing her dirty work instead of one. and one of them is sunoo.

heeseung and jay, of course, are stunned. they cant believe it's real; it isn't real, it can't be—and yet.

a lot of angsty plot stuff happens—i dont have the energy or enough shits to give to figure out what. the thing is, the queen only kept sunoo this long and brought him out as a tactic to lure heeseung, make him weaker; and it probably worked. in the midst of both fighting against sunghoon and fighting to SAVE sunghoon, heeseung is bent on saving sunoo as well, and there's probably a lot of very angsty talk wherein there are disagreements about who's life, really, is more important in this situation, and if heeseung is just trying to make up for what he did to sunoo. regardless, heeseung ends up saving sunoo and bringing his soul back to the surface. what he doesn't expect is for sunoo to forgive him—fully and wholeheartedly. and it feels wrong, because no, you should be angry with me, you should hate me and want to hurt me like i hurt you; but sunoo is just... happy. happy that he's back, happy that heeseung is back, happy that they're all together again. and its conflicting, to say the least. even moreso because sunoo isnt stupid—he didnt just act like heeseung was an innocent who did no wrong; he knew he had been wreckless, knew he was at fault, and he forgave him still. loved him still. that was something heeseung... hadn't been prepared for.

like i said in the last part, they save sunghoon; how, im not sure, but they save him, probably with a fair bit of sunoo's help, and they're together again. only the tiny difference here is that sunoo is with them too. sunoo is back, and the gang has yet another undead bestie to teach the ropes of being a vampire to. things are awkward, obviously, especially between the original brother's trio of heeseung, sunoo, and jay; because sunoo is his usual sweet and kind self while jay believes that he should be more angry at heeseung for killing him, heeseung agrees, and jay has some very conflicted feelings about how self-depricating his hyung is being (because like... yeah you killed sunoo and im supposed to hate you but you're not supposed to hate yourself, you idiot, what the fuck?)

(also like. if we're gonna take some more crumbs from cql canon here im gonna go ahead and say sunoo's death was at least somewhat self-sacrificial, even if it was heeseung that ended up causing it in the end)

(i kind of love how jiang cheng-y i made enhaverse jay here to be honest)

(okay this has been in my drafts WAY too long because ive been waiting for some miraculous Other Detail i need to add to pop up in my mind, but honestly i can just add anything else i think of in a reblog afterwards, this bitch just needs to see the light of day)