#if i put more sawyer posts on this blog will people love me again

[lost-inanotherlife]

Hey, it's the same anon again. Thank you for the reply, I completely relate to everything you wrote!

I'd like to add that people often call Jack an asshole who "doesn't understand" other survivors, but the truth is, other survivors don't understand him either.

For example, I've seen many viewers bashing Jack for snapping at Kate in s1e12, after she retrieved her toy airplane, but they seem to forget the events of the earlier episodes.

Jack was the one who ultimately had to put down the marshal and even buried him by himself (Kate asked him why he didn't burn the marshal with the other bodies in the fuselage, and his answer was "I had to bury him").

Obviously, taking this man's life was a difficult moment for Jack (it's also implied that he sees mercy killing as murder), then just a few days later, Kate casually asks him to dig up the marshal's body, essentially asking him to reopen a painful wound. She then tries to deceive him with the key, and when he keeps his promise to her despite everything, she pulls out a random plastic airplane and shuts him out as if he didn't just desecrate a grave to help her retrieve this seemingly useless toy...

(I love Kate btw don't get me wrong hehe)

Omg Anon I love your cut-to-the-chase approach because YES! "Other survivors don't understand Jack", say it louder for the people in the back!

Let's be clear: I'm NOT making excuses for Jack's behavior. If people check my blog they will see that I call him out quite often. The thing is that I think that the way he reacts kinda makes sense with how the narrative treats him.

Let's take Kate as an example since you've brilliantly pointed out how people tend to side with her and call Jack a douche. Which okay, fair BUT.

Premise: I love Kate. I don't find her relatable at all but she's a goldmine in terms of characters whose potential was squandered because of a love triangle that ended in S3. But I digress.

Kate is a deeply, deeply flawed chatacter like honestly ALL characters on that damn island. This is not a flaw but she is like the other losties in that she sees Jack as an IDEAL.

Of course, compared to other people she actually gets to know him etc. But she's primarily fascinated by Jack because she wants his approval and validation so badly (I'll link some of my metas about this specific topic) sometimes it makes her look a bit... confused.

Take for instance that episode in S1 or maybe 2? where she drugs Jack. Not cool, am I right? Well, Jack finds out and takes it out on her but he's also quite soft about it. Well, to that what does Kate reply? She actually tells Jack in the face something like "how could you even think that I'd do something like that?".

I meaaaaaan, guuuuuurl. Come on. This is Manipulation 101. You can't get mad cause he got you. Change tactics. But no, she insists because she wants Jack The HeroTM to tell her she's a good girl.

I find all this absolutely compelling and fascinating because it makes Kate feel more 3D and alive and real. As any human being who's full of contradictions and unknown desires.

To sum it up: even Kate tends to see Jack not as Jack Shephard, A Real MessTM but as Jack The Good Guy.

If you ask ME who on that crazy island better understood the real Jack I'd say Sawyer.

Their relationshio could have been so much more than a love triangle and I'll forever be mad about it.

Thanks again Anon! Your smart takes give me the excuse to yap and I'm loving every second! Hahhaha!

My Meta about Kate (THEY ARE VERY LONG POSTS): detailed but incomplete analysis of the ep "I Do' (it's incomplete cause nobody was reading it so I stopped posting it).

foundational analysis of Kate, "What Kate Did" is THEE Lost episode.

[red-doll-face]

I just found your blog and I LOVE IT.

If I might ask: What’s your saddest dbd headcanons (killers or survivors)

Call me crazy, but I must know! ❤️

Ohh this one was a good one but it hurt me so badddd, ahhh. I’m glad to share , I have some bad dbd brain rot lmaooo I didn’t do every character so I hope these are ok 🥺 these are a bit long too

Sad Dead by Daylight Hcs

Claudette Morel:

Claudette is one of the criers. Probably cries while getting mori’d and can't help the tears during the really bad matches. Her pain tolerance isn’t very high, hence the willingness to waste time healing herself if it means she can stop being in so much pain.

Meg Thomas:

Spends time alone thinking about her past life. Her mother is a subject that makes her really frustrated. People mentioning their moms makes her a little standoffish. Wishes she had a chance to say goodbye in some way.

Ace Visconti:

Ace doesn't have much family to even miss him. He wonders if they noticed he’s gone or hasn’t come back. Maybe they think he hit big bucks and left them behind. Ace is stuck really. Even if he were to go back, he’d be dead or working off his debt.

Feng Min:

Gets super mad when she loses, it makes her so angry that she doesn’t control the trials. She blames other people for her losses but actually is very critical of herself. Casts the blame on others so she doesn't have to face her own mistakes.

David King:

All of his perks are about putting his ass on the line for his teammates yet everyone seems to think he’s selfish and a dumb brute. David doesn't know what to do to be more approachable; genuinely wants to be seen as a friend.

Laurie Strode:

Laurie never got the chance to mourn her friends. She thought she won. Finding out she’ll never truly escape Michael or be able to forget him makes her so mad. When she gets Michael in trials she makes sure the glass in her pocket is extra jagged and serrated.

Jane Romero:

Jane only wanted recognition and acknowledgement. Everything she's worked so hard for feels like a waste for her now. She should have spent more time on herself or with her father. Jane feels like she has no purpose anymore besides running and screaming for the enjoyment of the entity.

Yui Kimura:

Yui can’t stand the Clown or the Stealth Killers. Reminds her of bad memories. When she loses against killers like ghostface, she is especially angry.Her fighting spirit can’t help her actually get back at them.

Zarina Kassir:

Spent so much time fighting inequality only to spend the rest of her life where the odds are never in favor of the survivors. Where the oppressed are destined to lose. Each one of the people is subjugated, both killer and survivor and there's nothing she can do to free them.

Cheryl Mason:

She's been through literal hell and back just to end up in a weird recurring nightmare. At least Silent Hill had an escape. She's killed a god and somehow someone her size with a boxcutter can kill her? Huh.

Élodie Rakoto:

Feels guilty over the loss of her parents and feels extremely disillusioned by this realm. It's so much more boring than she thought it would be. All of her searching and traveling was not worth this shithole.

Steve Harrington:

Steve, though 18, is very much still a kid. Steve is naive about certain things and his optimism gets chipped away at a lot. Wasn’t too enthusiastic at having to care or look after Dustin and his friends but misses having people to protect.

Jeff Johannson:

Someone who definitely ends up taking hooks for people and ends up dying. Has a reputation among the killers as a survivor who is easy to leverage during the endgame because he will try for that save.

Kate Denson:

Feels very lucky to even have her guitar. The other survivors didn't get to bring many things with them. Makes her feel a little bad when she Often feels too worn out and exhausted by the trials to play it.

Quentin Smith:

Unfortunately stuck in pseudo-hell with his abuser. Gets really anxious against Freddy. Leans on his fellow survivors. Will sometimes accidentally bring Freddy to others in an attempt to get Freddy the hell away for him.

Evan ‘The Trapper’ Macmillan:

Actually has tried on numerous occasions to remove the metal rods and shrapnel embedded in his skin. It hurts like hell and just when he thinks he’s got it, he loses grip. These attempts never work.

Philip ‘The Wraith’ Ojomo:

When he’s alone, Philip will try and talk to himself. His vocal cords are warped, his voice a scratchy growl and garbled gurgle. He remembers what he used to sound like but he tries talking less and less.

Max ‘The Hillbilly’ Thompson Jr.:

Besides being named after someone who locked him away for most of his life? Max has to rest a lot between trials. The constant movement puts strain on him and causes him dull pain. His back causes him a lot of grief. The Entity is barely merciful.

Michael ‘The Shape’ Myers:

Meant to be forgotten by everyone who ever knew of him and he knows it. Loomis, after deciding that Michael couldn't be ‘fixed’ just hoped that the system would swallow him. If it weren't for the entity, Michael knows he'd either be dead or caught and back with Loomis.

Bubba ‘The Cannibal’ Sawyer:

Used to be one of the nicer killers to go against and might have been sweet to certain survivors who deserved kindness. But the Entity punished him for it. Bubba isn't very nice anymore. Probably a little meaner to avoid being in trouble again.

Amanda ‘The Pig’ Young:

Another one down to give second chances, much like the second chance she saw in John Kramer. Doesn’t do this a lot however, therefore escaping the ire of the Entity. She’s spent a lifetime hurting others emotionally and physically. Now, she’ll spend an eternity.

Rin ‘The Spirit’ Yamaoka:

The pain and anguish is so heavy but time is no cure in a place where time is nonexistent. No happiness to replace her rage. Especially in a place where her anger is a weapon for a greater power. Also has tried to pull the glass out of her skin and press her limbs back together. Can’t stand to see herself in the mirror.

Adiris ‘The Plague’:

Her body is always on the precipice of falling apart. Her skin rots; her flesh aches and feels like it will tear away at any moment. She is immortalized yet so close to death. Her body hurts so much but she has a purpose to serve. (makes me even sadder bc jannneeeee my mainnnnn😔)

Kazan ‘The Oni’ Yamaoka:

Misses his son. Never got to see him grow up, considering he;s already met his descendant. Proud from a distance because that's all he can be. The beginning of something so angry that it passes down his family line.

Caleb ‘The Deathslinger’ Quinn

During his life, was under the control of people who made him work for their gain who used him. The Entity emphasizes the killers as a position of power but Caleb does much of the same here. Works and works. Never for himself.

Pyramid Head ‘The Executioner’:

His existence has always included pain. He’s not quite sure what it’s like without it. He’s made several efforts to take the pyramid off. It pulls painfully at his neck. Makes awful groaning noises and roars.

Ji-Woon ‘The Trickster’ Hak:

Has never been much more than entertainment for other people since he was a child. Never expected to be much more. To the point that now, if he doesn't feel impressive in some way, he feels incomplete. The entity is his way to really indulge his ‘true artistry’.

Yun-Jin Lee:

A bit selfish when it comes to surviving. A few people around the campfire dont like her for that reason. Some of the meaner people will even leave her behind because they remember all of the times Yun-Jin might have done something similar.

Thanks for reading!!! I’m sorry I don’t post often but I have Shit ton of hw and I recently started a new project sooo ya know 💖💖💖

[slashingdisneypasta]

Horror / Six: The Musical AU (X Reader) || Headcanons

Explanation: So all the songs are being sun by different readers with different Henry’s (The Horror Villains of course) instead of one Henry. I think its pretty straight forward apart from that! I hope to make a second part to this where the readers actually meet up and complain about their times with their respective horror villains. This is fun XD Had the idea a couple months back and I posted it and one blog commented saying Six is their favourite musical, so this is basically for me and them haha XD 

Character Included: Michael Myers, Chucky / Charles Lee Ray (And Tiffany Valentine), Bubba Sawyer, Norman Bates, Mayor Buckman (And Harper Alexandre) and Jason Voorhees. 

Warnings: Murder of the readers (By respective Horror Villains and a non-explicit difficult birth in Bubba’s), birth / pregnancy, toxic / abusive relationships, sexual harrassment / maybe rape (All You Wanna Do- Buckmans), language, suggested mother / son grossness (Norman and Norma of course). 

I laugh in the face of those who would subdue my mad ideas. 

‘No Way’ (Reader as Catherine of Aragon): Michael Myers as Henry

My name's Catherine of Aragon Was married 24 years I'm a paragon of royalty, my loyalty is to the Vatican So if you try to dump me You won't try that again 

You were in a, of course, very unequal relationship with the shape of Haddonfield. He saw you one day, was completely taken by you, and decided to let you live. He would come by and use you however he liked, kill the people you loved when they got your attention over him, etc. Like any other Michael Myers x Reader.

And, years and years later (Because it’s not like Michael finds someone every day that he gives even a bit of a shit about like he does - did, - you) he comes upon a new person. Someone he, like he was you, is drawn to.

And he tries to drop you like a hot potato.

And this infuriates you. You are not about to let go! He has ruined your life! You have no friends, no family, no life, because of him! All you have, is (regrettably) him and you are going to be his for the rest of your life. That’s what he wanted, that’s what the bastard’s going to get.

(Many, many years with him has caused your courage against him to grow spectacularly. You can say nearly anything to him)

|- ‘You must agree that, baby, in all the time I been by your side

I've never lost control’

‘I've put up with your sh- like every single day’ -|

You give him one more chance- if he can tell you one thing that you have done to him to legitimately hurt him… then you’ll leave willingly.

…

But he has nothing. And he doesn’t care.

|- ‘You got me down on my knees

Please tell me what you think I've done wrong

Been humble, been loyal, I've tried to swallow my pride all along

If you can just explain a single thing

I've done to cause you pain, I'll go

No?’ -|

//

|- ‘You wanna replace me? Baby, there's

N-n-n-n-n-n-no way

You made me a wife, so I'll be queen 'til the end of my life’ -|

He ends up strangling you to death when you won’t shut up.

‘Don’t Lose Your Head’ (Reader as Anne Boleyn): Chucky / Charles Lee Ray as Henry (And Tiffany as Catherine of Aragon)

I'm that Boleyn girl and I'm up next See I broke England from the church Yeah, I'm that sexy Why did I lose my head? Well, my sleeves may be green but my lipstick's red 

Chucky and his filthy ass catches sight of you. Young, French and vivacious and he’s got heart eyes on the spot. He wants you, but he also doesn’t really want to lose Tiffany.

So... yeah, you end up living with them both for a while and its very awkward and a very hostile situation.

|- ‘Here we go

(You sent him kisses)

I didn't know I would move in with his misses

(What?)

Get a life

(You're living with his wife?)

Like, what was I meant to do?’ -|

You don’t like it. No one likes this. Chucky! Make up your mind!

|- ‘Three in the bed and the little one said

If you wanna be wed, make up your mind

Her or me, chum

Don't wanna be some

Girl in a threesome

Are you blind?’ -|

Tiffany is of course Catherine, and the fandom (The people of Britain for the sake of this AU) loves her (As we all know), so when you come along and insult her because Chucky is now your man (Supposedly.) and of course you two aren’t getting along with each other in the first place because of him … you get a bad name.

|- ‘Ooh, why hasn't it hit her?

He doesn't want to bang you

Somebody hang you

(Wow Anne, way to make the country hate you)

Mate, what was I meant to do?’ -|

When eventually Chucky is able to grow the balls to boot Tiffany out (My heart hurts writing this, trust me), he pulls a ‘Once a cheater, always a cheater’ kind of shit and has no loyalty to you or respect for the sanctity of your relationship, and starts having one night stands here, there and everywhere. He tries vaguely to tell you you’re being silly and that’s not true- but he has lipstick on his shirt collars and perfume smell all over him.

Its not a nice living condition.

So you, still very much being the vivacious bitch that he ‘fell in love with’, go and flirt with some other guys. Just to make him a teensy bit jealous! I mean, its not like he’ll really care, right? You just wanna spark the fire again!

|- ‘Henry's out every night on the town

Just sleeping around, like what the hell?

If that's how it's gonna be

Maybe I'll flirt with a guy or three

Just to make him jell’ -|

But he finds out as planned… and is p i s s e d. He threatens that if you do that again, he’ll fucking kill you.

You, not going to let him talk to you like that, flirt with one more man. Just to be disobedient. 

|- ‘Henry finds out and he goes mental

He screams and shouts

Like so judgemental

You damn that witch

Mate, just shut up

I wouldn't be such a b-

If you could get it up’ -|

And you find out that he very much meant it when he said he would kill you.

|- ‘And now he's going 'round like off with her head (No)

(No)

Yeah, I'm pretty sure he means it’ -|

‘Heart of Stone’ (Reader as Jane Seymour): Bubba Sawyer as Henry

Jane Seymour the only one he truly loved (Rude) When my son was newly born, I died But I'm not what I seem or am I? Stick around and you'll suddenly see more 

You were an intended victim of the Sawyers, but like with Stretch, Bubba crushes on you instead. The difference here, is that you see the gentleness to him compared to his brothers, and how scared he is when one of them yells at him, and all the other little signs that he’s not as vicious or evil as his first impressions might convey. You have a big, brave heart, and you realise right there that its death and cannibalisation or understanding and caring for this man and you choose to love.

|- ‘You came my way, and I knew a storm could come too.’-|

//

|- ‘You've got a good heart

But I know it changes

A restless tide, untameable’ -|

So you take his hands in yours, all shaky and meaty as they are, and promise him that you will never leave him. You’ll protect him. You’ll take any mess he and his family can throw at you- you’ll always be with him. Your promise.

|- ‘But I took your hand, promised I'd withstand

Any blaze you blew my way

'Cause something inside, it solidified

And I knew I'd always stay’ -|

And he believes you, of course. Its so nice to be looked at so softly, especially by someone as pretty as you.

I- ‘You can build me up, you can tear me down

You can try but I'm unbreakable

You can do your best, but I'll stand the test

You'll find that I'm unshakeable

When the fire's burnt

When the wind has blown

When the water's dried, you'll still find stone

My heart of stone’ -|

And you prove yourself. You prove over and over again that no matter what he, or the twins, or Drayton, or even Grandpa throws at you- you’ll survive and you’ll stay, and you’ll never stop looking at him in that lovely soft way.

|- ‘You say we're perfect

A perfect family’ -|

You get pregnant of course because everyone in the Sawyers / Hewitts family has a breeding kink and you can’t tell me otherwise, and the birth is of course very difficult because Drayton isn’t about to pay for hospital bills. So you’re in their home, in all the mess and the dirt and with no sort of aesthetic, and…

|- ‘Soon I'll have to go

I'll never see him grow’  -|

You don’t make it. Your babies born fine and healthy, and you bring another strong Sawyer boy to the family, but you’re gone.

‘Get Down’ (Reader as Anne of Cleves): Norman Bates as Henry

Ich bin Anne of Cleves Ja! When he saw my portrait, he was like Ja! But I didn't look as good as good as I did in my pic Funny how we all discuss that but never Henry's little- 

So, one day, Norman decides its time to properly settle down (Long after his mother… ah… ‘dies’) and get a partner, and because there isn’t really anyone around where he lives to date or, even, who wouldn’t get creeped out by him and his taxidermy, he turns to online dating.

He meets you there. You own and run your own hotel in the next state over, you don’t mind his taxidermy at all, and your profile picture looks… hauntingly familiar (If you look nothing like Vera Farmiga go by the original movie- she was but a skeleton there so she really could be anyone).

|- ‘Sittin' here all alone

On a throne

In a palace that I happen to own

I'm not fake 'cause I've got acres and acres

Paid for with my own riches’ -|

And you two get along great over messages! You online date for a good year before Norman proposes you elope and come to live with him! You think you’ve known him long enough, and you trust him!

So you fly right over, and he meets you at the airport, and…

He’s disappointed.

Like, ‘sorry, nah, you don’t look enough like mama so this isn’t gonna work’. In a more fidgety, quiet, subdued kind of way though. He’s so awkward with communication that he even suggests that you doctored your profile picture.

I- ‘You, you said that I tricked ya

'Cause I, I didn't look like my profile picture’ -|

And, understandably, you’re p i s s e d, and disgusted! But ya’ll already got married over the internet, so theirs no stopping that! This is your husband. You realise you’ve made a huge mistake and go right back to your home and your hotel to get divorce papers drawn up.  

You’re the queen of your own fucking castle, who needs him?

|- ‘I'm the queen of the castle

Get down, you dirty rascal

'Cause I'm the queen of the castle’ -|

You are understandably, very very mad. And you say some things to Norman about he and his mother, that… may be true… but that he certainly doesn’t appreciate.

When you finally get the papers, and you’ve been separated long enough for it to be legal, you go back to the Bates Motel to get Norman to sign them and stay over a night. You’ve calmed down enough that you’re able to have a pleasant conversation with him, and you decide that you’re too tired to take the plane back home right away so you take up Normans offer to stay in one of vacant rooms (*Cough* So you basically have the run of the place. Or they do. *Cough).

Norman is also pretty calm about the whole thing as well, like you! But… Norma, is still seething.

You don’t wake up the next morning.  

‘All You Wanna Do’ (Reader as Kathrine Howard): Mayor Buckman as Henry (And Harper as Thomas)

Prick up your ears, I'm the Catherine who lost her head (Beheaded) For my promiscuity outside of wed Lock up your husbands Lock up your sons K. Howard is here and the fun's begun 

Right, so, you haven’t had good luck in love throughout your life, so you decide to give up on boys entirely. 

|- ‘So I decided to have a break from boys

And you'll never guess who I met’ -|

… And meet a man, not much later. A man in power; A mayor. A man who’s been married before and has a beard (So you know; He’s a man. XD No little boy.). This is of course Buckman. He calls you love, and you get a job in Pleasant Valley that keeps you comfortably busy. You feel like, finally, you’re where you belong. You feel fulfilled- no committed relationships are necessary.

|- ‘Globally revered

Although you wouldn't know it from the look of that beard

Made me a lady in waiting

Hurled me and my family up in the world

Gave me duties in court and he swears it's true

That without me, he doesn't know what he'd do

He cares so much, he calls me love’ -|

But then Buckman tells you that he cares about you. You have a connection. He doesn’t feel just ‘friendly’ feelings towards you- he wants more. And, though you are a little disappointed that your solitude didn’t last, you decide that he’s decent enough (’He is rather kind to me, and he does makes me smile a fair bit’, you try to reason with yourself that this is a good idea) and so you start to go out. Its not long before you’re married.

|- ‘So we got married Woo…’

Woo…’ -|

But being married to him isn’t easy. Not at all. You’re not use to politics; There are so many rules now, and he’s always too busy to help. And the rest for Pleasant Valley are a bit… odd. And you just don’t fit in. And this is wear Harper (Thomas) comes in.

|- ‘With Henry, it isn't easy

His temper's short, and his mates are sleazy

Except for this one courtier

He's a really nice guy, just so sincere

The royal life isn't what I planned

But Thomas is there to lend a helping hand

So sweet, makes sure that I'm okay

And we hang out loads when the King's away’ -|

And he’s so lovely and caring towards you (Never more then when Buckman leaves for business in other towns), helping you through the transition from your old life to this one. He’s a good friend, to you. And that is most definitely all he is, on your side of it. A friend. You don’t feel attractions towards him at all apart from that, and he doesn’t try to make any moves. Its wonderful!

|- ‘This guy, finally

Is what I want, the friend I need

Just mates, no chemistry

I get him and he gets me’ -|

… Until one day when Buckman has been away for a month, he tells you he cares about you. You have a connection. He doesn’t feel just ‘friendly’ feelings towards you- he wants more.

|- ‘He says we have a connection

I thought this time was different

Why did I think he'd be different?

But it's never, ever different’ -|

Lets just say one things leads to another, despite you at first turning him away and saying no. He’s so insistent, and a little scary, and you’re lonely because your husbands’ has been away so long, and… something happens that you regret and feel gross about.

|- ‘Squeeze me, don't care if you don't please me

Bite my lip and pull my hair

As you tell me, I'm the fairest of the fair

Playtime's over.’ -|

You tell Buckman when he gets home, and you watch as every bit of warmth and love in his eye disappears, just like that.

Its not long after that that his jealousy and betrayed rage takes over… and… you die with a rope around your neck and your feet swaying above the ground.

|- ‘Playtime’s over’ -|

(Alternatively, Sheriff Hoyt as Henry and Thomas as Thomas)

‘I Don’t Need Your Love’ (Reader as Catherine Parr): Jason Voorhees as Henry (Your last love was Jason when he was alive)

Five down, I'm the final wife I saw him to the end of his life I'm the survivor Catherine Parr I bet you wanna know how I got this far I said I bet you wanna know how we got this far Do you wanna know how we got this far then? 

So, you’re like the leader of the ‘Slashers Ex Squad’ because you, unlike the others, survived your time with Jason. This is because Jason did, truly, love you (To an extent- not enough to let you go and live your life without him or be free). None of the others really did. Not like he did.

|- ‘Became the one who survived’ -|

Your story:

You and Jason had an adorable little 11-year-old puppy love relationship when he was alive. You were his only friend, and he had it bad for you because of it. Pamela loved you, too.

When he died you were of course devastated, and years later when you were 30 (Making him also thirty- not that you know that. You still think he’s dead at this point) you’re taken by the need to go back to Camp Crystal Lake and pay your respects to your childhood love / friend. Its just one of those nostalgic days.

When you go, and you set flowers down by the lake, Jason catches sight of you. He thinks about killing you… but then your features start to make sense to him. He recognises you, and for the first time since his mother was killed, he feels his heartbeat speed up and swell with hope.

Jason of course kidnaps you then, and keeps you hostage for himself. He missed you. He doesn’t want to survive anymore time without you. You’re all he has left!

… After you realise that this is Jason Voorhees, you quickly learn that this Jason is, of course, not the boy that you cared, and care, so deeply about. He’s done horrible things, and he is never going to stop; And frankly, deep inside… he scares you.

But its not like you can leave him! He would never let you, he’s made that clear. You are all he has, and now, he is all that you have.

|- ‘I don't have a choice

If Henry says "it's you", then it's you

No matter how I feel

It's what I have to do’ -|

So you write a letter to the old Jason (And your old life), saying goodbye, in admittance to the fact that you’ll never be able to get away from this new Jason. This is you letting go of your freedom and any preconceptions that anything will every be the same- with Jason, or otherwise.

|- ‘It's true I'll never be over you 'Cause I have built a future in my mind with you And now the hope is gone There's nothing left for me to do’

'Cause I have built a future in my mind with you

And now the hope is gone

There's nothing left for me to do’ -|

You never stop hating him for how he’s changed (How he’s taken your Jason away, and wont even attempt to go back) and how he’s stolen away your freedom.

|- ‘I'd say "Henry, yeah it's true

I'll never belong to you

'Cause I am not your toy, to enjoy till there's something new

As if I'm gonna give up my boy, my work, my dreams

To care for you"

"Ha, darling, get a clue”

But I can't say that

Not to the king’ -|

You eventually die of natural causes at, like, 60.

[t100ficrecsblog]

an interview with @osleyakomwonkru (she/her) what are you working on right now? Several things! I’m the queen of many WIPs (let’s not even talk about the ones that are languishing in the limbo of old fandoms). But my priorities right now are my own Season 7  and the promptfills that I’m doing for Bellarke Writers for BLM (but not for Bellarke). I started working on my Season 7 fic last summer as soon as 6x13 aired because I couldn’t wait nine months to find out what happened to Octavia, I needed to answer that myself. So I spent months writing and planning and researching and compiling lore so that I could answer that question myself. Started posting it episode by episode at the beginning of 2020. Then pandemic got in the way of me finishing it before the official season 7 started airing, so right now the first 9 episodes are up, and the last 7 will be up after the official season 7 is finished. So if you want a season 7 that has a bit less planet hopping, more Bellamy, more TALKING and characters taking the time to sort through issues rather than the season 7 we’ve been having, then please check it out! what’s something you’d like to write one day? I’d like to actually finish and publish the myriad of original works I have in a state of perpetual incompleteness. I’ve been writing stories ever since I could hold a crayon, and I’ve never stopped. But the past decade I’ve been focused on a lot of fanfic. what is the fanwork you’re most proud of? Well, I love all of my word-babies, and I’m super proud of my S7 fic as mentioned above, but outside of that series, the fic that holds a special place in my heart is “fly away to heal my broken spirit (there might be peace on the other side)”, which is an Octavia-centric character study written between seasons 5 and 6, whereupon landing on the new planet, Octavia takes off on her own and takes the time she needs to heal from the pain of her past. why did you first start writing fic? Well, the reasons why I first started writing fic are perhaps different than what they are now. I started writing fic when I was a child, when I didn’t even know it was something other people did, let alone something people shared with one another (this was back in the Days of Yore before the Internet, so while now I know fanfic was going on at that time, it wasn’t easily accessible). The longest fic I’ve ever written was when I was a preteen, and it was 943 pages, handwritten, and it was a self-insert RPF where I became best friends with Alanis Morissette. Back then, I wrote fic because I wanted more stories, more adventures with the characters I loved, and in the case of that self-insert, I wanted to be a part of those adventures. But now I write fic for different reasons. Now I write mostly because I want to address the parts that canon leaves out. The parts that aren’t “exciting” for a TV audience, because they’re not full of flashy explosions and fights and whatnot, but that I want to see because they’re a vital part of the character journeys - the talking, the healing, the things that should be addressed so it makes sense to go from A to B in the storyline but tend to be swept under the rug. I’m in a fandom for the characters, so I want to see them and their thoughts and feelings addressed properly and not just get shuttled from one Plot to the next. So as this applies in this fandom, that mostly revolves around letting characters take the time to talk to each other, to sort out their issues, stuff like that. Because after everything they’ve been through, they need this! what frustrates you most about fic writing? Too many ideas. I have so much I want to write, but I also don’t want to abandon projects so it hurts to have to put ideas on the backburner. Also - middles. I often know how I want a story to start and how I want it to end, but the part in the middle is always a bit fuzzier. Middles are hard. what are your top five songs right now? Lunatica - Heart of a Lion (perfect Octavia song!) Icon for Hire - Supposed to Be (also a good Octavia song) Beth Crowley - Don’t Think Just Run (ditto) Really Slow Motion - Unbroken (same) Miley Cyrus - Mother’s Daughter (Hope’s theme song) what are your inspirations? Music is a lot of my inspiration. I have an entire Octavia playlist, and Spotify is really good at recommending more songs to go on it. Spotify has the only useful Internet algorithm. Also, just those moments in canon where you go WTF and you’re like… I need to fix this. Or, “there has to be more than just this”. A lot of scenes demand more than what we saw on screen, so I’m here to provide.

what first attracted you to Octavia? what attracts you now? I started watching t100 between seasons 4 and 5. The specific reason why I started watching was Chai Hansen (Ilian), because he’d just been cast on Shadowhunters, and he was hot, so I went looking to see where else he’d appeared and happened upon this show. So I watched some of his scenes on YouTube, and was intrigued by this chick (Octavia) he was with. Then the next scene I saw was Octavia winning the Conclave in 4x10 and making her speech of unity, and I was sold. I was all “I need to know who this girl is and how she got here”. 

So I went back to the beginning, and yes, she was the one. I have A Type when it comes to fandom favourites, and she fits it to a T - the misunderstood badass with a tragic past and a dark side. Octavia Blake, Regina Mills, Magnus Bane, Eliot Spencer, James “Sawyer” Ford, Juliet Burke, they all fit that same archetype. 

 I just love Octavia so much, because she’s been through so much and she’s still standing and she’s grown and changed and evolved and it’s all been beautiful. Even the dark parts. Especially the dark parts. Because without them she wouldn’t be who she is now. I hate it when people say she’s “back to her old self” now. No. No she’s not. She’s a stronger, wiser and more mature version of herself, and she wouldn’t be that without her darkness or without her healing. I could go on more, but for that you can just go to my blog and read all of my meta. BESIDES Octavia, what character or pairing do you like best on t100? Uhhh… well, Octavia’s kind of my brand. So everything does kind of revolve around her. But I also adore Echo, Diyoza (sob!) and Hope, and I’m so glad that canon Hope is like the Hope I wrote in my S7 fic - fearless, reckless, committed to her family and questioning what makes otherwise sensible women willing to die for Bellamy Blake. I ship Niytavia, and a fair amount of my Niytavia fic is written from Niylah’s point of view rather than Octavia’s. I’ve also written some bunker-era Mackson as best friends to Niytavia, but Miller being a jerk in season 6 has kind of soured that ship for me. But after 7x10 I’m hopeful that he’ll pull his head out of his ass so that I can like that ship again, because Jackson is still all kinds of lovely. 

But if we REALLY need to depart from the Octavia sphere, then Murphy’s my man. I don’t have a horse in the race as to which ship he’s a part of, because I can low-key ship him with just about everybody (even Octavia).

why did you decide to start writing for bellarkefic-for-blm? Because I wanted to do something to contribute to the BLM movement, but since I live in a tiny northeastern European country and have no money, going to protests or making donations myself isn’t something I can do. But I can write words so other people donate money, so here I am! 

what’s your writing process like? I don’t have a set process. Sometimes a story just FLOWS and I’ll get it done in a few hours. Sometimes it involves a lot of throwing stuff at the wall and hoping it sticks and days and weeks of contemplation and starting to write and hoping it’ll come together at the end. Same applies regardless of what I’m writing, be it my own idea or someone else’s. what are some things you’d like to recommend? My partner in crime in plotting my S7 epic, who I’ll message at 3 in the morning looking to brainstorm ideas, @easilydistractedbyfanfic . You want Murven? They’ve got you covered. Also, tacos, cheesy pasta, and sushi. Because food is delicious and I’d like to be in a country where I can get tacos again, so if you’re in a position to be able to eat tacos, eat tacos. They’re not available everywhere in the world. You can find @osleyakomwonkru here on Tumblr, or you can find her on AO3 here. If you’d like to request a fic written by her, you can do so via @bellarkefic-for-blm.

[screen-slashers]

Hey, I hope you're doing well! I am super loving your blog so far B) would you be open to how Bubba, Jason and Brahms would react to someone messing with or trying to hurt their s/o?

Hello! Yes, Anon, I love you so much!!!!! Since you’re so sweet and it’s only three, I’m gonna give you some ficlets!! I hope you enjoy!

SOMEONE’S BOUTTA DIE TONIGHT

Bubba: There was more meat around.. Nubbins had told him that he had to go take care of them. Bubba had put you in y’all’s room to keep you safe as he went off to do his job for the family. The day had gone by quickly, most of the intruders now dead, only one left. The man had run back to the Sawyer farmhouse, Bubba having momentarily lost sight of him.

Bubba’s anxiety continued to spike as he searched, looking in vain for the man, hoping he could find him before Drayton found out that one got away. Eventually, he had to give up and began to make his way back to the house, whining pitifully.

Bubba had brought you to y’all’s room to keep you safe. You knew the drill by now and sat back in the bed and began to read, hoping Bubba would finish up soon. The day went by and you continued to read, ignoring the sounds that came from outside your room. That is, until you heard the door slam and footsteps frantically run up the stairs. Nubbins was usually really excited after a day like this, so you tried to get back to your book, until your door slammed open and a disheveled, bloody man burst in.

You both stared at each other before you began to scream, hopefully catching the attention of your family. The man ran over, grabbing you and placing a hand over your mouth. “Shut up!! They’ll hear us! I’m not gonna hurt you!!” He hissed, pulling you off of the bed and towards the closet to hide. 

Frantically you pulled his hand away, letting out another screech, “Bubba!!! Bubba he’s in he-” You were cut off as the man grabbed a flower vase that was on the dresser and smashed it against your head. 

“Shit, you’re one of them! Crazy bitch!!” He growled, grabbing one of the shards left of the vase and putting it against your neck, blood dripping down your head as you dazily blinked up at the ceiling. 

That’s when you heard it: A squealing, rage filled noise as your savior burst into the room, revving his chainsaw. The man didn’t even have time to gasp before he was being cut in half, Bubba’s rage filled noises drowning out the noise of the chainsaw. 

There was practically nothing left of the man before Bubba stopped, dropping the chainsaw and gathering you up in his arms, sobbing worriedly as he took you to Drayton to patch you up, despite your daze-filled replies that you were okay. 

After that day, Bubba kept you in the attic with Grandpa and Grandma with a lock on the door so no one would hurt you again, not that you minded. The lighting was better up there anyways. 

Jason: Jason was against it completely when you said you wanted to take a part of the new summer camp that was attempting to use the grounds. What if they hurt you or bullied you? You couldn’t trust those people! Being as stubborn as you are, you didn’t budge, eventually telling him that you were volunteering if he agreed or not. 

You both were pretty heated, and when you packed your things to move into one of the cabins for the weeks you’d be there, you both weren’t happy with one another. Eventually you tried to forget about it, having fun, but Jason.. Jason watched you. There wasn’t a moment you were alone, his fear for you outweighing his anger. 

Whenever the counselors would leave posts, you’d be there to pick up the slack. When they talked about who they liked, you’d taper off and change the subject. When they talked about Jason and the tales they had heard.. You’d stand up for him. Things went great and the camp was drawing to a close. People were getting ready for bed and as you headed back to your cabin for the night, you heard noises coming from the dock. You stopped and headed over, Jason’s story playing over in your head as you quickly made your way to the lakeside. 

That’s when you saw it. The ‘head honcho’ of the counselors along with her lackeys. With your things. You make a strangled noise as you run up to them, just as they threw the last of your stuff into the water. “Hey!! Why would you do that?!” You yelled, kneeling down and managing to grab a few of your clothes that were floating around. 

“Oh, well.. Seeing how much you stick up for that freak of a legend Jason, we figured you’d like to be closer to him~!” The leader laughed, looking down at you like you were a disgrace. 

“So you’re gonna do this just because I try to look at things differently? What the hell is wrong with you?!” You spat, standing back up and getting into her face. Obviously that was the wrong choice. 

With a disgusted noise, she shoved you, and then you were falling into the water below. 

By the time you resurfaced, the leader’s head was gone and one of the lackeys was disemboweled, the third screaming bloody murder before that too was cut off. You made a noise as you pulled yourself back onto the deck, standing to your full height as you ignored the carnage and took in Jason. 

You smiled softly and rushed over to him, jumping up and wrapping your arms around his neck and giving him a kiss. “Thank you, darling.. But don’t you think you went a bit overboard?” You ask as you look back at the three bodies. 

Without saying a word he made his way over to the corpses and kicked them into the water before starting to walk away, you still securely in his arms. 

“You were right earlier, Jason.. I missed you.” You hummed happily. 

Brahms: ‘It was just the garbage disposal.. Who needed that?’ Brahms thought huffedly as he watched you as you talked to someone on the phone. He had tried to do something for you for once and accidentally got a fork stuck in there.. and then tried to grind it away instead of just grabbing it out of the disposal. Now someone is going to have to come to the manor and fix it, which Brahms was very much against. 

You sighed as you hung up, giving the man child a pitying look. “They’ll be here in about an hour, Brahmsy. Just make sure you’re hidden before they come in.” You said, pulling him down to give him a kiss on his mask. Usually it was off.. but he was officially pouting so the mask was back on, like it was when you first started dating. 

With a huff, Brahms stomped off to do something else as y’all waited for the plumber. You watch him leave before going to start on lunch for the two of you, rolling your eyes. That boy sometimes.. 

When the plumber got there, Brahms was safely hidden away in the walls, you were sure watching the man’s every move. You lead the plumber to the kitchen and explain how you got a fork stuck in the garbage disposal. You thanked the man as he began to look at it, before walking to the living room to read aloud.

It didn’t take too long for the disposal to get fixed and soon you were back in the kitchen, writing a check for the plumber as he chatted with you. “So.. Just you in this big house, eh? Seems lonely, don’t it?” He said, looking around the large kitchen.

“O-Oh, yeah, I suppose.. It’s not too bad, though.. The walls hold enough stories to keep me company.” You chuckled, holding out the check for him to take. 

“Well, ya know, I could always take ya someone comfier..” He suggested as he grabbed onto the check, raising an eyebrow at you, making you grimace. 

“Oh, uh.. For your sake, I’m gonna have to decline..” You try, beginning to head to the front door. 

“Ohh, come on, don’t be like that.. I’ll let this one go free if you give me a shot.” He tried, grabbing your hand and making you turn to look at him again. 

“Sir, please, you better let go o-” You start before you hear banging coming from all around you. Shit.. “You better leave..!” You spat as you tried to drag him to the door, but he stayed where he was. 

“What the fuck is that??” He muttered, still not letting you go. 

You saw Brahms before the man did, Brahms having slipped out from behind, punching the man hard in the ear. With a cry, the man dropped to the floor, his nails scratching your hand, causing you to gasp out. 

Brahms whipped his head to you, only to find your hand bleeding slightly and his eyes darkened. “You hurt S/O...” He ground out in his child voice, before dropping down and wrapping his large hands around the man’s throat. 

“Brahms, it’s nothing, you don’t have to kill him!” You cry, trying to push him away from the gasping plumber. It was no use.. Soon you had a dead man on the floor and an angry one grumbling and pouting as he, this time accidentally, cut off your airflow. 

“Brahms, you didn’t have to kill him!” You huffed, crossing your arms. “My hand already stopped bleeding.” You explained, trying to pull away from the absolute child you were dealing with. 

Ugh, there was no way Brahms was letting you be in a room alone for like a month now.. At least the garbage disposal was fixed again.. 

[charbar59]

Hey people!!!! My name Charles or charlie you can call me whichever one you like, i still and have always lived in Chicago IL i will not disclose my age for that is irrelevant to you people (although you can guess i am not the oldest or the smartest person) i am fairly tall around 5″10 of Mexican and white descent and have a mostly brown skin complexion and a weight of 190 pounds or 86 KG,

THE REASON I STARTED THIS BLOG

I want people to know me to really see if people like me exist out there in the world or a nice discussion and goof around from time to time ..  To see different takes on life my life sometimes  just things in general whether that be somewhat small like music or on something more serious like emoticons or how you experience life and take it in and  i also see know point in not taking advantage of this opportunity well I am  alive and have the resources available for me to experience a thing such in life.

THINGS THAT Interest ME (PUT A NOTE DOWN THERE AND TELL ME WHAT INTEREST YOU I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW :)  I am almost into every genre of music from pop country rap all the way to alternative and folk. With that i like a lot of artiest from frank ocean lil Uzi vert boy Pablo again all the way to billy Joel old rock Spanish music Italian disco music. so i would say i am almost into every artist because i have not come across a profound amount of artist where i have not at least liked a handful of there songs. sorry if i come across like i am  trying to seem like i am better then anyone or pretentious i have no proper way of saying. YES I LIKE ALMOST EVERY ARTIST AND ALL TYPES OF MUSIC. without sounding like a complete liar or douche.  I AM into art almost every form and style  of art my taste in art follows my music. taste i write a lot poetry short story’s for most of my poetry is loved theme or tragic.  I read occasionally I wouldn't say i am book worm but i like reading the classic such things as (don Quixote my favorite book) Tom Sawyer, Ender’s game, The Odyssey things such as that i also enjoy coming of age books too like call me by your name. I draw also trying to get better at ill post more of my art as i post more on my Blog.  photography i  love it i take pictures everyday every picture post  my banner image and my profile pictures are all pictures i took. right now though i am very obsessed with the renascence era Michael Angelo old panting and drawings.  This is not everything i like but i am  sure you people do not want to hear everything so i will move on  (: THANKS FOR READING

IN REGARDS TO VERY SERIOUS FORMS OF DISCUSSION I WOULD LIKE TO BRING THEM UP AT A LATER TIME AND LATER DATE IN MY POST SO THAT EVERYONE MAY DISCUSS THEM ALSO SO I MAY INFORM YOU GUYS MORE ABOUT MYSELF. THIS IS JUST ME TELLING YOU WHO I AM THANK FOR READING  

[let-it-raines]

Indirect Deposit (2/3)

Summary: It’s the oldest story in the world, isn’t it? Falling in love with your neighbor. Killian’s sure that he’s seen hundreds of books and television shows starting off that way, and he’s always thought them all to be entirely unrealistic. That is until he started getting to know Emma Swan, who just so happens to live across the hall from him, and he has absolutely fallen for her in a way that he hasn’t fallen for anyone in a long time. 

It’s the oldest story in the world...until it isn’t. Because it’s not just Emma he’s fallen in love with. It’s her unborn child too, and while everyone he knows thinks he’s crazy for falling in love with a pregnant woman, he knows that he’s not. Some things in life are worth taking the risk. 

Some people are worth loving. And some things about life may surprise you.

A/N: Technically my next posting date for @csmarchmadness isn’t until next week, but since the entire story is now finished, I figured you guys wouldn’t mind getting part two now. The response to part one was kind of insane, and I hope you guys like this one as well! As always, shout out to @wellhellotragic for coming up with this fantastic idea, letting me write it, and for being an all around good person :D

AO3: Beginning | Current

Tumblr: 1 | 2 | 3 

Tag list:  @kmomof4 @kingofmyheart14 @nikkiemms @resident-of-storybrooke @wellhellotragic​ @bmbbcs4evr @onceuponaprincessworld @jennjenn615 @mayquita @captainsjedi @teamhook @skyewardolicitycloisdelena91 @branlovesouat @dreadpirateemma  @ekr032-blog-blog @superchocovian @artistic-writer @andiirivera @cs-forlife @qualitycoffeethings @thejollyroger-writer @ultraluckycatnd @killiarious @scientificapricot @mez86

“Hey, Anna,” she greets as she walks into the office, Sawyer strapped to her chest and a diaper bag thrown over her shoulder.

“Hi,” she squeals, getting up from behind her desk and practically rushing over to Emma so that she instinctively cups the back of Sawyer’s head out of some sort of sense of protection. “What are you doing here, lady? You’re not supposed to come back for another two weeks, but you’ve brought your baby so I’ll give you a pass.”

“She’s sleeping,” she whispers, hating to disappoint Anna. Sometimes Anna can be a bit much, but Emma really does like some of the people in her office most of the time. The only one she really talks to outside of work is Ruby, but she kind of likes it that way. She’s never been one to need a lot of friends at all times, wanting to be alone in the evenings, but being away from all of them has made her miss her coworkers a bit. It might mean that she’s going crazy or is overly tired or something, but she’s missed them. She’s just not here to actually see them. “I’m sure she’ll be up before I leave, so you can see her then, okay? I’m sorry.”

“Oh it’s fine, hon,” Anna promises, reaching up and squeezing her shoulder. “How are you feeling? Why are you here?”

“I’m feeling good. Still a little sore but good. And tired. But I’m getting used to things.” She smiles, running her hand up and down the back of Sawyer’s head to adjust her headband. “And I wanted to pick up some case files to prepare myself before coming back. I didn’t want to be overwhelmed.”

“How are you always so on top of things?”

“I don’t sleep.” The phone rings, and Emma’s a bit thankful for having an excuse to go. “I’ll let you get that, but I promise I’ll let you see her before I leave.”

“I’m holding you to that.”

Emma nods her head before walking away, adjusting her bag on her shoulder as she walks through the offices and says hi to a few people who notice her. Most people don’t pay her any attention, but she can feel some of their stares on her. She works with some good people, but she also works with a hell of a lot of assholes who she knows judge her for being a mom now. They judged her for being a woman before (again, assholes), and she can practically feel their stares now. She really did come into the office so she can get some of her upcoming cases or cases that she’d put on hold for her maternity leave, but she also came in because she knows that she’ll be crucified if she’s even one step behind when she comes back.

The world has gotten a lot better, but sometimes things still suck.

Two steps forward and one step back is still one step forward.

It’s not like she’s even some kind of high-powered, fast-paced lawyer who competes with her coworkers and other firms for who can get the most business. She deals with divorces and custody settlements, which she personally finds more important than mergers, acquisitions, and the corporate law a lot of her coworkers practice, and to her clients, it is fast-paced and important.

Maybe the most important thing in the world.

Her daughter is the most important thing in the world to her, and while at one point in her life she thought that one day she’d be married and have a child with her husband, that’s not how her life has worked out. And she doesn’t bemoan this. She actually likes this.

No, she loves this.

Her daughter is hers. She’s never going to get into a legal battle over her. She’s never going to have her taken away to live with someone else. She’s hers, and it gives Emma a comfort she’s never quite felt before. She really loves her daughter and wants to protect her at all costs.

She will protect her at all costs.

It’s almost like when her body got torn apart and changed through pregnancy and giving birth this protective instinct that she’s never quite had before also became a part of her. She’s not sure if it’s instinctive, genetic, or what. Maybe it was there all along, but it’s been so long since she loved someone with such abandon that she might have hidden that part of herself away.

Not anymore.

After she’s made it through the pit of cubicles and glass walls, she finally makes it to her office, pulling her key out of her pocket and unlocking the door. It’s a bit dusty when she gets inside, a candle or plug-in desperately needed, and she knows that at some point she’s also going to have to clean up in here, dust some of her shelves off and add a few pictures of Sawyer. In the back of her mind, she knows that she could ask Killian to clean and organize for her, but she’s not going to do that. She can clean her own office and make it less…dull.

Maybe she needs a plant. Can she take care of a plant? Of course she can take care of a plant. She has a baby.

She drops her bag on the ground next to her desk, sitting down in her chair and adjusting Sawyer in her Björn, making sure that she can see her face for when she wakes up and is searching Emma out. There are stacks of paper on her desk, someone obviously having left her things despite her office smelling stale, and she’s a little scared to check her email. Her email is going to be absolutely insane.

Okay, so maybe coming into work early was not her best idea, but she wanted to get out of the apartment today. It’s a nice day, the mid-June sun shining brightly in Boston, and going on a walk with Sawyer just didn’t seem like enough…so obviously she came to work to get on top of things.

Maybe she has a problem.

Over the next hour and a half she tries shuffling through everything, having to take Sawyer out of her carrier to feed her about halfway through, and she feels pretty accomplished. Actually, she feels extremely accomplished, and it feels good. She’s not quite ready to come back to work and to leave Sawyer (she will cry if she has to think about it, and she is not ashamed), but she does like doing something different. It’s nice doing something other than puttering around the apartment talking to a baby who simply coos back. They’re cute coos but still.

Okay, so her baby is damn cute.

There’s a knock at her office door, Ruby standing at the entranceway with a cup of coffee in her hand that Emma already knows is not for her. She could totally have a cup of coffee right now.

“Look who decided to make an appearance into the world.”

“Shut up. I’m supposed to have off.”

“Oh I’m not talking about you,” Ruby sighs, walking into the room and placing her mug on Emma’s desk. “I am talking about Sawyer. You were pregnant forever, and I didn’t believe your daughter was real for awhile.” “You’ve seen pictures.”

“But not her in person. She’s cute, Emma.”

“Thank you,” she sighs, rolling in her chair and adjusting Sawyer in her arms so that Ruby can see her more. She really misses her seat that she usually keeps her in at home. It would be really useful right now. “I like to think so.”

“How old is she now?”

“Ten weeks.”

“So what you’re saying is that you’ve left me alone to rot in this office for ten weeks?”

She shrugs. “Pretty much.”

“Well, I’m thrilled to have you back, so I can have more people to talk to at lunch. I’ve been sitting with Graham and Anna, which is just, like, a clash of personalities.”

“Yeah, that doesn’t sound like it would mix.”

“It doesn’t. I love it.” Ruby picks her mug back up and takes a sip as she backs out of her office. “I don’t have a lot of time to talk right now because I’ve got to go investigate a case for Lorenzo upstairs, but we’re going out to dinner sometime soon. I will even consider coming to your apartment to eat.”

“Such a saint.”

Ruby winks. “I know.”

After another half hour, she packs up her stuff to go home so she can work on things over the the next two weeks in her own time. She makes sure to stop by the front desk so Anna can see Sawyer while she’s awake, but she really can’t stay much longer because Sawyer needs to take a better nap in her crib. She sleeps pretty well, but Emma can tell when she doesn’t get comfortable sleep versus when she does.

It’s not fun for either of them when Sawyer doesn’t get good sleep.

It’s really not fun.

Traffic is bad on her way home, but she does eventually get there, pulling into her spot in the lot and getting Sawyer out of her car seat while she wails over the sudden stop in the car. This afternoon is just going to be a bad day, but they’ll get through it. They have so far, and she plans on getting through all of the days in the future. She’s been through some shit in her life, and a crying baby is not going to bring her down.

Today.

There have been days when she cries just as much. Being a mom is hard. Rewarding but hard.

After a few hours, Emma decides that the nap simply isn’t happening, so she goes through their routine of feeding, changing, tummy time, and bath time all the while telling stories and just letting Sawyer hear her voice. It’s comforting for her in the same way that she hopes it’s comforting to Sawyer, and she just likes talking to her kid about whatever she wants to talk to her kid about.

Finally, she gets her to go down, hoping that she sleeps through most of the night, and there’s blessed quiet through the apartment as she drinks a glass of water standing in her kitchen. And it’s the exact moment that she hears the lock in her door twisting, the wood opening in its frame, and Killian appearing dressed in his favorite sweatpants and Henley, his feet only covered in socks.

It’s unfair how attractive the Henley is. It’s black, and he always wears it unbuttoned with the sleeves pushed up so she can see the dark hair on his forearms and the way that the muscles flex there whenever he’s doing anything. And the fact that he’s wearing gray sweatpants doesn’t really help anything either. It certainly doesn’t hide anything.

She’s always known the guy was attractive. That’s never been a question in her mind, and while she doesn’t think she’s ever been one of those women who just fawn over men, she’d be crazy to admit that he doesn’t do something to her. She doesn’t like admitting to it, doesn’t like admitting that she’s attracted to him, and what she really doesn’t like admitting is the fact that she has some pretty intense feelings for him. High school, first love, intense feelings.

Or just regular feelings that for a long time she attributed to her pregnancy hormones. For almost her entire second trimester, she almost just asked him to sleep with her several times a night just because she so desperately needed something. It’s been a long time since she’s had sex, and having Killian be in her life doesn’t exactly help that.

So she’s known that she’s physically attracted to him, but emotionally, that was a little harder to accept. And she’s still not totally convinced on what exactly she’s feeling. Relationships are hard for her. Now, as an adult who likes to think she’s got an okay grasp on her emotions, she knows that it began not having parents that were together and a dad who was happy but who pretty much only had her. He dated, but she was never under any impression that she and his job weren’t the two most important things in her life. Sometimes she worries about how this might affect Sawyer when it comes to her being a single mom, but she’s hoping that she has some time to figure it all out. And hopefully Sawyer won’t have exes who screw her over.

It’s not…she loved Neal so fiercely as a teenager and a young adult, and she refused to accept that her dad was right in saying that Neal could be emotionally manipulative of her, never letting her make her own decisions. Hell, she almost dropped out of college for him because he wanted to move to follow some dream to be a musician when he can’t even sing, and to this day, she still can’t believe that she even considered that. Like, she wants to slap herself upside the head for considering that, for not allowing her own voice and thoughts to be heard. And everyone after him was kind of the same with different variations. They were nice at first, but things just seemed to go wrong along the way. Not every one of them were tragic. Some simply ended. Graham is one of those, and while she never wants to date him again, she still feels fondness for him, especially since they still work together.

But then her dad died, and love seemed a little less grand. It just seemed hard and heartbreaking, and things likely became twisted in her mind. She’s been untwisting them over the past few years, though. She’s learning that not all pain is bad pain, and not all love is going to end in heartbreak. She knows that there are going to be times when she and Sawyer don’t get along, when she wonders how the hell she has such a frustrating kid, but the love isn’t going to stop.

Ever.

And maybe one day she’ll fully open herself up to loving someone else again, to allowing someone to love her, but right now she’s a little terrified to do that. She and Killian are just friends, or so she thinks. Sometimes he looks at her with just this…longing in his eyes, and she thinks she might have the same in hers. But it’s so complicated when it comes to him because she’s allowed herself to rely on him in a way that she hasn’t truly relied on anyone in years, and she knows that evolving their relationship to a romantic one wouldn’t just shift things between them, it would shift things between he and Sawyer as well. If he leaves, it doesn’t just change her life, it changes her daughter’s too. Sawyer may not remember him now, but she’ll remember when she’s older if he’s still around.

She won’t let someone leave her daughter because of something she’s done.

Not that she thinks Killian would. While she’s not sure if he has feelings for her, she knows that he loves her daughter. He may love her daughter as much as he loves Roland or Liam, and that terrifies her a bit. It fills her with joy, but it also terrifies her. He’s a good guy with a big heart, even in the moments where she sees flashes of darkness and insecurity that she knows comes from his upbringing and his relationships. She understands him in the same way that he understands her, and it’s that very thing that gives her the comfort that maybe he won’t leave.

It doesn’t mean she thinks she’s ready for something more, but maybe one day the thought won’t shake her to her core. Maybe she simply needs a little more time.

Right now, she simply wants to focus on her daughter and being a good mom, a good lawyer, and hopefully a good friend to Killian. He’s done a lot for her, and while she knows that he didn’t do it for anything in return, he doesn’t deserve for her to treat him like crap. The man regularly eats ice cream with her at two in the morning and lets her talk about nothing for hours on end. It doesn’t seem like much, but it’s a lot to her.

And it’s not the only thing he does for her, but right now she’s kind of thinking about ice cream. She’s really been liking ice cream over the past few months, and the summer heat doesn’t help.

“Hello, darling,” Killian greets, walking over to her in the kitchen and quickly brushing his lips across her cheek, gooseflesh rising on her skin. “How was your mini day back at work?”

“Tiring,” she sighs, letting her shoulders slump. “And Sawyer was so good while we were there, but she had a meltdown for the rest of the evening.”

She watches as he grabs a diet coke out of her fridge, the one that he decided needed organizing last week before six in the morning, before he settles down on top of her countertop, having to adjust himself until he’s comfortable. She usually loves to sit on countertops, but it hasn’t been super comfortable lately. She’s not exactly sure why she ever thought it was.

“Is she asleep now?” he asks, popping open the tab.

“Yeah, but you can see her when she wakes up if you stay that long since I know you’re only really here for her.”

“Hey,” he groans, his lips pressing together and morphing into a smile that does something to her no matter how much she doesn’t want to let her do something to her, “that is only partially true. I am quite fond of her mother too even when she’s accusing me of only being here for the baby.”

“How sweet of you.”

“I try.”

“How was your day?” she asks, moving around the counter and sitting down on the barstool. She’s starving, really needs to eat dinner, but she’s not quite sure what Killian is going to make. Maybe she can make something. Maybe they should just eat pizza even though she’s trying to watch what she eats, ice cream not included. “I didn’t hear from you all day.”

“Aye, sorry about that, love. Teaching a full load over the summer is kind of killing me because we meet in class every day.” “How hard it must be to go to work five days a week. That’s never happened in the history of the world.”

He rolls his eyes and scratches behind his hear, but he doesn’t protest. “Okay, so true, but I’m used to a bit of flexibility and long breaks. I don’t mind the money though. I quite like the money, actually, and it’s much better than having to work some odd job selling insurance for three months just to make sure I can keep money in my savings for the future.”

“Seems responsible.”

“Well, between you and Liam, I’ve definitely gotten my shit together on that front.”

“And I will take my thank you in the form of dinner. I know we’re doing healthy, but I kind of want some Chinese food. I wanted ice cream earlier and then pizza, but now I’m kind of thinking Chinese.”

“Bloody hell. It’s like we’re going through your third trimester all over again.”

“I’m not really appreciating you tonight, so you and your newly put together finances can pay for the Chinese. I want extra egg rolls.”

Killian pulls out his phone. “I know, Swan.”

They eat dinner, talking about the rest of their days before falling into watching TV and falling into their normal debate and conversation about the characters on their screens and how the writers could have changed things. They’re into Game of Thrones right now, even if Killian was wary of watching it with her since she hasn’t read the books, she doesn’t seem him complaining.

Okay, so he complains about some of the differences between the book and the show, but that’s pretty tame for him. They’re both nerds. They just show it in different ways.

Killian is much more obvious about it all, while she’s more reserved, only letting bits peek through out of self-preservation, but it’s nice to have someone who’s not going to judge her for enjoying the feeling she gets when she checks off all of her items on her to-do list and gets all of her files perfectly organized while also really like Star Wars. How can you not like Star Wars?

“Do you want to go to Rob’s for lunch on Saturday? I think we’re going to go to Rol’s football game first, but I figured you wouldn’t want to take Sawyer out in the heat for that long.”

“That sounds good,” she mumbles while holding a cold egg roll to her mouth. “And yeah, we can join you guys at his apartment afterward. I haven’t seen them for weeks. I miss them.”

“Roland misses you. I’m not sure if Robin does, but I know Roland does.”

“I’m both insulted and flattered. I’ve got to text Ruby and set up dinner sometime. I may need your help.”

“Babysitting?”

“Cooking,” she laughs, turning her head to face him. “She might come over here. Or maybe I’ll have you babysit. I don’t know. I don’t want to leave Sawyer until I absolutely have to.”

“I know, love. It might be easier for you to do an hour or two gone, though, before you go back to work. I mean, obviously up to you, but it’s an idea.” “I hate how much sense that makes.”

“I’m a smart man.”

“So you keep telling me.” “And one day, maybe you’ll believe me.”

-/-

The entire summer is sweltering, but she spends it running between an office that has the air conditioning turned up far too high and an apartment that seems to never get cool enough despite her air conditioning working perfectly fine. Honestly, sometimes going outside is more pleasant than staying in, especially down by the harbor or the Charles where there’s a breeze flowing off the water and keeping she and Sawyer cool when she takes her out for walks in the afternoons after work. Getting back into working was difficult, even with how much she tried to prepare for it, but she thinks she’s gotten the hang of it. Leaving Sawyer at daycare is another story, but there are days when it’s nice to not be in charge of another human being for a few hours.

Or at least not be in charge of another human being’s continued life. Being in charge of a divorce is different.

Still, it’s nice to be an adult not tethered to a baby sometimes, even if she does so crave days where she gets to go home and watch Sawyer develop with the way the she can roll a bit or prop herself up as she reaches for toys. Plus, she’s got the cutest little laugh that brings Emma such joy that she feels like she hasn’t experienced in a long time.

She’s happy. She’s happy with her entire life, and while sometimes she does wish that her dad could be here to see his granddaughter who she thinks has his eyes for how blue they are, she’s perfectly content and thrilled with how her life is right now. Honestly, it might be better than it has been in a long time. She has her family, and she’s really grown to love her close group of friends, allowing them into her life a little more than she used to.

Which is exactly why she’s letting Anna watch her daughter as she gets dressed to go to a Red Sox game and out to dinner with Killian who has convinced her that she needs to go out and do something fun for herself. She couldn’t think of anything, didn’t feel like putting in the effort of figuring things out, so she went with what everyone in Boston does when they need to do something fun. It’s cliché, and neither of them really even watch baseball, but it’s something to do.

Plus, she’s definitely going to chow down on junk food at the game before they find something to eat for dinner. Really, she’s doing this for the food and some time on her own that’s not work. If getting to spend time with Killian happens to be a part of this, well, she’s not going to complain.

Not at all.

He’s her best friend, and over this summer, she’s definitely decided that having to throw up in his bathroom was actually a good thing.

A really good thing.

And maybe on some days she feels like she’s just going to grab Killian by the shirt collar, pull him to her, and kiss the holy hell out of him. She hasn’t done that yet, but she really wants to, even more than she used to.

Going on what’s basically a date right now doesn’t help, especially since Anna is convinced that she and Killian are made for each other after she apparently assumed that he was Sawyer’s father all the way back at the baby shower. That would be wild, but it’s just not true.

It’d be impossible.

“Alright, baby,” she sighs, leaning down and kissing Sawyer’s forehead right at her dark hair that’s been turning a little more brown lately. It still looks black, but she sees hint of brown in it sometimes under certain lights. “Momma is going to be back later tonight. Be good for Anna.” She squeezes Sawyer’s fingers before she looks up at Anna. “Okay, so you know where everything is? You know how to heat up a bottle? That you can call me if you need something? Seriously. Call for anything.”

“I know, Emma,” Anna chuckles, bouncing Sawyer in her arms while smiling at Emma. “I watch my sister’s kids all of the time. You know this. It’s literally why you’re letting me watch her.”

“I’m letting you watch her because I trust you and because I like you more than I like the people at her daycare.”

“And because you wanted to go on a date.” “It’s not a date.” “It’s totally a date.” Anna winks at her before looking down at Sawyer and cooing, “Your mommy is going on a date. She just doesn’t realize it.”

“This is what I get for becoming friends with you outside of the office.” “Please, I am great. But seriously. I know you’re just going to a baseball game, but you look hot, mama. And if you want to get a hotel or stay in Killian’s apartment for a few extra hours, let me know. I will be happy to stay so you can get it on.” “Anna,” she chuckles, reaching her hand out and gently hitting her on the shoulder while her stomach moves with laughter, “I’m not using you so I can have sex.”

“But you could. It would be totally worth it.”

“We are so not talking about this right now.” “But we’ll talk about it afterwards when you’re regretting coming back here too early and not actually coming.”

Anna smirks, moving her brows a bit in a way that reminds her of Killian, and she can’t help but shake her head as she kisses Sawyer’s forehead again before she’s grabbing her purse, stopping by the front door to check her lipstick in the mirror and completely ignoring Anna’s comments about how she really won’t be mad if Emma’s back later than she’s supposed to be.

Who knew that Anna would be as invested in her sex life as Ruby is?

She opens her door only to run right into Killian, putting her hands against his chest while catching her feet and making sure she doesn’t fall back while Killian’s hands find her waist, fingers grabbing at the skin just above her shorts and under her blouse. When she looks up at him, his eyes are blown wide, the blue somehow seeming more familiar than usual as he continuously blinks while his lips gape open.

“Hi,” she laughs, stretching out her hands into his t-shirt, feeling his heart beat a steady rhythm under her palms. “I was just going to – ”

“Come to my apartment?”

“Yeah. I should have known you’d get here before I could get there.”

“Yeah, you should have,” he laughs, squeezing her hips before releasing them, his lips stretched into a smile that stretches across his entire face. “Hello, Anna. Nice to see you.”

Anna pretty much looks like the cat who ate the canary right now, and Emma can feel the blush rising in her cheeks right now. Why is blush rising in her cheeks? How does she make it stop? Anna’s definitely gotten into her head, not that the thoughts weren’t there before. But now they’re really there.

“Hi, Killian. You want to say bye to the kid before you guys go?”

“Of course. I’ve got to say bye to my little lady.” He beams, walking over to Anna and taking Sawyer out of her arms only for Sawyer to absolutely light up with joy over seeing with Killian. She recognizes him so easily now, usually giggling and reaching out for him when he comes over or when they go out, and it makes her smile. He’s so good with her that it’s almost shocking. As terrifying as it is for someone else to love her daughter, it’s also wonderful. Of anything, she’s sure of that now after Killian being so good to her for so long. “Hey, little love,” he sighs, running his hands over her arms and kissing her forehead. “Thank you for letting me take Mummy out today. I promise I shall return her to you before ten.”

“Or later,” Anna adds in, and Emma almost hits her head against the door.

“Or later,” Killian laughs, kissing Sawyer again before handing her back to Anna. “Thanks for watching her, love.”

“It is literally no problem. Now go you two. Have fun. Catch a ball. Get on the jumbotron. Do whatever you do at baseball games.”

“Yeah, so I’m taking you to a baseball game someday,” Emma laughs as she walks out the door, Killian’s hand ghosting over the small of her back as they leave. “Be home tonight.” “The morning is fine too.”

“Love,” Killian chuckles, closing her door behind them, “if I didn’t know better, I think Anna is going to steal all of your stuff for how much she wants you gone.”

“Yeah, don’t worry about her.”

“Wasn’t planning on it. We’ve got to go to a baseball game, where I think we’re supposed to watch baseball.”

“Shut up. I know that you at least know how baseball works.”

“I believe there’s a ball. And a bat. And there’s definitely a lot of rounding the bases in what is unfortunately not a sexual way.”

His description was totally satirical, but it’s definitely exactly what it’s like. There is a ball, a bat, and rounding the bases in a non-sexual way, but she knew all of that. It’s not like she’s been living under a rock. She just doesn’t really like sports too much. Today, though, she likes sports. Killian feeds her a live commentary of the game the entire time, making up backstories for each player that she realizes about halfway through are the backstories for the characters out of a creative writing paper from one of his students that he let her read last month when he was grading it and completely enthralled in how good it was. He’s obviously been reading it again since then, and she wouldn’t be surprised if she’s spending extra time mentoring the kid.

She really was unsure of how she was going to like today, even if she was excited for it, but having the sun beat down on her legs and a beer bottle in her hand while everyone seems so happy around them…well, it’s fantastic. She kind of feels like she used to feel, getting out and getting to do things without having to find a babysitter or worry about needing to pump her breasts, and it’s nice to know that she can still do things for herself. She doesn’t think being a parent should mean sacrificing who you are as an individual and giving up the things you love. It involves a lot of sacrifices, but with some things, you have to stand your ground.

Killian’s arm wraps around her shoulder, fingers playing with the strap on her shirt, and she doesn’t even think that he knows that he’s doing it as he practically takes her top off of her while they’re watching this game. His touch is electric, warmer than the sun even though that’s physically impossible, and her entire body is prickling with desire and pleasure and…something.

Want, maybe.

Twisting her head to the side, she looks at Killian and the way the sunlight brings out the ginger in his beard that only really shines through when he’s let his beard grow a little too long. His skin has tanned this summer, and it somehow makes his eyes bluer than they usually are, lighter somehow. She’s really obsessed with his eyes. He’s so beautiful, and when he turns his head to face her, their lips only inches apart, she goes for it.

Like, really goes for it.

Before she can think it through, her lips are pressing against his, and she can feel it through her entire body. He’s soft and warm, and as his lips begin to move with hers instead of staying immobile, she can taste the salt from the popcorn he was eating earlier. She can also feel his scruff brushing against her skin, but honestly, besides how good it feels, it just feels right. She’s fought her feelings for Killian for so long, even if she has let up recently, but it still feels like she’s finally accepting her feelings. It feels like she’s finally accepting him.

It feels like something she should have done a long time ago.

In the spirit of baseball and all that, it feels like she’s sliding home.

“Swan,” Killian breathes when they pull back, the hoarseness in his voice affecting her nearly as much as the kiss did, “that was – ”

“Yeah,” she sighs, smiling to the point where she can feel Killian’s smile against hers, “that was good.”

“That was bloody fucking brilliant.”

She barks out a laugh, slanting her lips over his again, and Killian’s hands immediately find their way into her hair, his fingers tugging at the strands that send shivers down her spine. Yeah, this definitely is bloody fucking brilliant.

“So,” Killian sighs, pulling back from her and wrapping his arm around her shoulder again, fingers moving even more frantically than before, “I’m thinking we have three options.” “Why do we need options?”

“Just listen. So we have three options. One, we talk about the fact that we just kissed. Two, we continue to watch this game. Or three, we get the hell out of here and go make out somewhere where people won’t stare at us like people around us were just staring.”

“Option three,” she laughs, leaning down to gather her things. “definitely option three.”

-/-

She’s honestly not sure how she’s supposed to go about dating Killian, but like what she’s discovered in her year of knowing him outside of simply being neighbors, she simply has to let things be. That is pretty much impossible for her, but he helps a lot by making things as comfortable as possible. After the baseball game back in August, they’d gone and grabbed dinner at a café and talked. She hadn’t wanted to, really hadn’t wanted to, but Killian had insisted. She kind of thought maybe he was planning on taking her back to his apartment like Anna had teased her about when he gave her those three options, but no, he went with option one and made her talk about how she was feeling despite the fact that she just wanted to...well, she wanted to sleep with him even though she knew that was not her smartest option.

He made her think through things, which was definitely a mistake on his part. She’d started freaking out, questioning why she would kiss him, but he had somehow reassured her. He’s always reassuring her of things, and honestly, getting to see the smile on his face, getting to see how much he truly wanted to be with her, she knew that she couldn’t break his heart. Not when she wanted exactly the same things as him. So they’d talked, fleshed some more things out, and he’d taken her home, kissing her goodnight outside of her front door and then walking back to his apartment with a goofy grin on his face and his brows moving all across his forehead. She’s pretty sure he tripped over the threshold of his door, and she simply stood there with her bottom lip between her teeth as a giggle rumbled in her stomach.

Anna had freaked out.

And now that she’s been dating Killian for two months, she’s realizing that it’s pretty much the same as it was before. Yeah, so now he kisses the holy hell out of her and shows a lot more physical affection, but emotionally, it’s nearly the same. It’s insane to her how blind she was, how much she thought that they were simply friends, how much she convinced herself of that, and how much things changed with one kiss at a baseball game with an annoyed older man sitting behind them talking about how young people are far too sexual today.

They had literally kissed. It’s not like they were going at it in public. They don’t even sleep together at home. She’s ready for a lot of things, but she’s not ready for that despite the actual, physical ache that she felt after their first kiss. She’s just not ready now that she’s had time to calm down. Maybe soon, but a part of her is still scared that right after she sleeps with Killian, he’ll no longer be interested in her. And she knows that it’s not true. There’s no way it’s true. They’re too good of friends for that, and he loves Sawyer far too much.

And she thinks that he loves her.

She thinks that she loves him.

She’s about ninety nine percent of the way there, but math has never exactly been her strong suit.

It’s terrifying. Love is freaking terrifying. Why does no one ever say that when you’re young? They tell you about all of the good things, but how terrifying and heartbreaking things can be are conveniently left out until you experience it yourself.

“Alright, baby girl,” she sighs, propping Sawyer up on her hip while she applies mascara to her lashes, “you have got to let mommy get ready because we have people coming over to celebrate me getting old. Yeah, your mommy is getting old.”

When she’s finished coating her lashes with mascara, she looks down at Sawyer who is messing with the lace on Emma’s bra, and she absolutely cannot get over how adorable this kid is. She’s really grown so much lately, and Emma absolutely cannot believe that she’s nearly seven months old. How can her baby be that old? She’s got her own little personality, and she’s an absolute spitfire who knows what she wants. She really loves hanging out on her playmat, but there’s nothing she loves more than when Emma blows raspberries on her stomach. She absolutely giggles, and it makes Emma’s heart swell more than anything in the world.

She really loves being a mom, and she’s so incredibly thankful that she’s got her best girl to spend her life with. It’s more than she thought it would be.

“We also have to get you dressed, Sawyer. You get to stay up a little late tonight too, and you’re going to have people fawning over you because you’re so dang cute.”

Sawyer giggles as Emma adjusts her on her hip and walks out of the bathroom to her nursery across the hall, finding the romper and little floral sweater that Killian had bought her next week. He’s always coming over with things that he’s bought for Sawyer, and she swears that she has enough clothes to last her until Sawyer is two. And she’s pretty sure that Killian will just keep buying things. She tells him he doesn’t have to, that he should save his money that he’s working so hard for, but it’s like he doesn’t listen when it comes to doing things for Sawyer.

“You look just beautiful,” she laughs, wrapping a headband around her head and pushing back the black hair on her head that’s starting to grow back in after it fell out.

“So does her mum, even though that outfit is definitely not party appropriate.”

“Holy shi – oot,” she gasps, her heart pounding wildly within her chest while she makes sure Sawyer doesn’t roll off the changing table. That would be a disaster. “Babe, you cannot scare me like that.”

He simply shrugs, crossing his arms over his chest so his biceps bulge under the navy material of his sweater. “I figured you heard me come in.”

“I definitely didn’t if the way my heart is beating right now is any indication,” she laughs, picking Sawyer up who is absolutely squealing to go see Killian, and it’s only when she hands her over that she realizes what Killian was talking about. She’s in her underwear…and Killian is here. Has Killian ever seen her this dressed down? Was he staring at her stomach? Her boobs? Her ass? Does he even care? Of course he cares. He’s a man. She needs to breathe. And to get dressed. Getting dressed would be good. “I’m just going to – ”

“Hey,” he sighs, adjusting Sawyer on his hip while she stares up at him, her small hands grasping at his shirt, “Swan, I didn’t mean to intrude or make you feel uncomfortable.”

“Oh I’m not. I’m just – ” She motions down her body, trying to will the heat she feels from knowing Killian’s gaze is on her. Okay, so maybe she’s feeling kind of ready to sleep with him, especially as she pictures what he looks like under the sweater and jeans…nope, nope, nope. She can’t go down that road right now.

“You’re beautiful,” he finishes for her, reaching his free arm out and tugging her into his side before he brushes his lips against her temple. Her eyes flutter closed, reveling in this moment. “And if it were just the three of us here tonight, I feel like we could definitely reconsider your outfit choice so that this could stay on.”

“Oh yeah?” she questions, feeling a bit bolder.

“Most definitely. I’m rather fond of lace, and I’m sure it would look fantastic with the plaid on my boxers.”

“I feel like those wouldn’t really mix.”

“I feel like they would.”

“So are you talking about…”

“A pajama party, darling,” Killian deadpans, looking at her with full seriousness as he begins to bounce Sawyer on his hip so she won’t get fussy. He’s got this weird way to know when she’s going to get fussy before she even does. Sometimes he knows better than her, which is crazy. “You, me, and the munchkin. We’ll wear our best sleeping attire, and have a personal little party.”

“Oh,” she sighs, a mixture of excitement and disappointment filling her all at once. “That sounds nice.”

“But if you want to have an adult pajama party, love, all you have to do is ask.” He winks before unwrapping his arm. “Now go get dressed. You’ve got a birthday to celebrate.” “I know, I know. Why didn’t we have a party for you? I’m going to do that next year, so I’m not the only one to suffer.”

“We didn’t have a party for me because you had just started work back and were exhausted, and I was fine watching Sawyer while you slept. Now get dressed, darling.”

He gently pushes her away, and no part of her misses how he grabbed her ass while doing it. He’s not even sly, and when she looks back at him, he’s talking to Sawyer like he wasn’t just feeling up her mom. He throws her a subtle wink, though, and she walks back into her bedroom with a smile on her face as she shakes her head.

-/-

“Oh come on,” Ruby laughs, everyone in the living room looking at her as she speaks, “you guys are so boring.” “I’m not boring,” Emma protests, adjusting her dress as scoots back on Killian’s thighs ignoring the slight hiss that he lets out. She pats his leg, but she’s pretty sure that only makes things worse for him. “I just don’t think that we need to move from my very comfortable, nice apartment to go down to O’Leary’s. I have drinks here.”

“You have some wine and an entire freezer full of breast milk.”

“Yeah, the breast milk is off limits.” “Wasn’t even thinking about it,” Graham chuckles, flashing her a sweet smile that only makes her feel a little guilty having him sit here watching her with a baby and a boyfriend when she knows he still wants to date her. It’s just…it’s not going to happen again, and she likes him as a friend. She shouldn’t feel guilty that it didn’t work out with them romantically.

“You have some rum and whiskey, love,” Killian adds in, his warm hands splaying across her stomach as he literally picks her up off of his lap and adjusts her. She can feel his arousal through his jeans, and yeah, she definitely should have sat on the floor or something to keep him from losing his mind. Maybe to keep her from losing her mind too. “And there’s beer in my apartment. I can guarantee you it’s all better stuff than Will serves down at O’Leary’s.”

“And Emma has Sawyer,” Anna points out while she holds her daughter who is watching everyone in the room with rapt fascination. She really needs to be put down, but she doesn’t seem to be too tired yet. “So unless we want to go full on Sweet Home Alabama and take a baby to a bar, we can celebrate here.”

“I think the baby in a bar is a good route.”

“I can personally attest to the fact that a baby in a bar is not a good idea,” Robin chuckles from his spot on the couch while still cutting up his cake. Ruby brought a cake from her grandmother’s restaurant, and it’s absolutely delicious. She could pretty much melt in the chocolate.

“Hold up, mate. You took Roland to a bar?”

“For five minutes, I swear. And then five minutes turned into about two hours. Marian was so pissed at me. I swear her entire face turned red enough to be a tomato.”

“But your kid is still alive right?”

“Ruby.”

“Shut up, Graham. I’m asking important questions.” Robin chuckles under his breath, sticking his fork in his mouth. “Yes, Roland is still alive and is safely at home with his sitter.”

“See, Ems, we could totally take Sawyer to a bar.”

“No,” she laughs, rolling her eyes while Killian’s fingers move in circles over her stomach and his scruff brushes the skin at her neck, making her entire body tingle while he kisses her collarbone, “we’re not going to a bar, but we are going to eat all of this food so I’m not left with it. Plus, my couch is far more comfortable than any seat at O’Leary’s.”

Ruby literally groans, her entire body sinking into the cushions. “You are so old.” “That’s why we’re here.”

Sawyer starts to fuss, the cries welling up, and when Emma gets up to go grab her, Killian tugs her back to her, kissing her neck before whispering in her ear. “Darling, I suggest you don’t get up or everyone in this room is going to know more about me than even you know about me.”

She giggles, flat out giggles, before leaning back into his embrace and kissing his cheek. “Anna, can you bring her to me before she loses her mind?”

“Sure, hon,” Anna sighs, walking over to her and handing her Sawyer, who almost immediately calms down even if Emma can see her bottom lip trembling. She’s tired, exhausted probably, and she really needs to put her to bed. “Is she hungry?”

“Tired. She’s usually asleep right now. You want to go to bed, baby?”

“I can take her,” Killian says behind her, and she raises her brow before glancing down at his lap. He shrugs, just the smallest of things, and she nods her head. Their silent communication has gotten a lot better recently, and it’s kind of nice to have someone who can understand her even when she’s not speaking. “And that way you can enjoy everyone even if Ruby’s being obnoxious over needing to go to a bar.”

“You are new here, Jones. Watch yourself.”

“I have been here for over a year, Lucas,” Killian grits out, and she wonders why he’s getting frustrated with Ruby when he usually loves spending time with all of them. Maybe tonight just isn’t everybody’s night. “I’m going to go put Sawyer to bed.”

Emma gets up from his lap and Killian quickly follows, taking Sawyer out of her arms and walking down the hall and out of the room. She’s got no idea what kind of switch just flipped in him, but she knows that they’ll have to talk about it later. She’s not necessarily looking forward to talking through what he him angry, but she’d rather do it than let him get all dark and broody.

She hates when he’s dark and broody.

“Ruby,” she sighs, tearing her eyes away from the hallway to look over at Ruby, “you have to be nice.” “He’s a grown man. He can take some teasing.” “We all can, but that doesn’t mean everyone’s always in the mood for it.”

“What did I even say?”

“You said – you know what? It doesn’t even matter. Does anyone want something else to eat or drink? Anna why don’t you find something for us to watch?”

“Sure, Ems. I’ll find something.”

She rises from her chair and gets up to wander the few feet into the kitchen. This is really not how she wanted her night to go. Everyone had insisted that she do something, and she only agreed because she thought it would be perfectly fine for everyone to spend the night at home just relaxing. No, it’s not going out to a bar or to a concert, but that doesn’t make how she’s choosing to spend her day inherently bad. She should be able to do whatever the hell she wants, but apparently everyone’s going to be in a pissy mood.

She’s already got one baby. She doesn’t need others.

Grabbing a glass out of the cabinet, she fills it with wine. She’ll pump and dump or whatever, but she honestly needs something to relieve some of the tension she suddenly feels. And she really needs some time alone to try to lessen the irritation that’s spreading across her skin in the form of heated goosebumps. So of course that means Graham followed her in here while she hears everyone else arguing about what to watch a few feet away.

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” she sighs, taking a sip of her drink and settling her back against the counter so the granite digs into her skin, “I think it might be time for me to go to bed too. You think everyone will be okay having my birthday party without me?”

“Well, I think it would be quite the sad party without the guest of honor.”

She motions out at the living room. “It’s sad now.” He flashes her a grin. “Oh come on, it’s not that bad.”

“Ruby hates everything, and I have zero idea what’s up with that. Anna is about to go into overdrive trying to make things positive, especially with Kris coming over soon, you and Rob are just kind of…watching all of the craziness unfold, and Killian is pissed off for some reason. And him being pissed off probably means that Sawyer is not going to go down easily because it’s like she has this sixth sense and mimics our emotions.”

“I’m sorry, but if it makes you feel better, I don’t hear any crying. I think Killian’s got a pretty good handle at the dad thing.”

“Yeah, I know,” she sighs, letting her eyes flutter closes again, trying to think herself down only to realize what exactly Graham just said. It’s not the first time that something like this has happened, and she’s learned that it’s simply easier to not try to correct people. She’s just a little confused as to why Graham thinks this when…oh. Well, it’s not like she’s exactly told a lot of people how exactly Sawyer was conceived. It’s none of their business, and only Killian knows. But she kind of thought everyone knew she and Killian were a new thing. There’s no way in hell he’d be able to be the father of her child, even if she swears Sawyer looks more like Killian than her.

It’s really weird.

“Why don’t you go try to be the voice of reason in there? I think I’m going to check to make sure that Sawyer is okay.”

She nods to Graham before putting her glass down, realizing she’s only taken the tiniest sip, and this night really, truly isn’t going to plan. Maybe she will just go sit in the nursery and fall asleep in the rocking chair to avoid everyone. She wants to avoid everyone.

When she walks in the room, she closes the door as silently as she can behind her only to be stopped in her tracks at the sight in front of her. Killian’s sitting in the rocking chair fast asleep with a wide awake Sawyer curled up on his chest. She gurgles when she sees Emma, and Killian practically jumps out of the seat, his eyes blowing wide while his arms squeeze around Sawyer, startling her.

“Hey, hey, hey,” she soothes, stepping closer to them and taking Sawyer out of Killian’s arms so she can walk her around the room, “it’s just momma. There’s nothing to be scared about. It’s just momma. Yeah, it’s just momma.”

“I’m sorry, Swan. I didn’t mean to fall asleep. I sat down to rock her and it just…it happened.” “It’s fine,” she promises, whispering soothing words in Sawyer’s ears before she puts her down in the crib, her eyelids heavy as they start to close. She’s got to be exhausted. “You want to tell me what’s up with you?” “Nothing.” “Killian.” She walks over to him and settles herself into his lap again, figuring that his erection has likely gone away by now, and she assumes they’re about to have a talk anyways. “You’re not supposed to lie to me. Same team, remember?”

“Aye, same team,” he sighs, leaning forward and softly brushing his lips over hers. He tastes like the cake, and that’s definitely not the only reason that she dips back in to kiss him one more time before she’s staring at the blue eyes that she’s really come to love. How could she not? “I guess…bloody hell, I don’t know. I didn’t love that Ruby basically told me that I don’t belong after pretty much bashing your choice of how to spend your birthday all night. It all rubbed me the wrong way.”

“Me too.” She reaches up and cups his cheeks, running her palms from his temple to his jaw and making sure that he looks at her when she speaks. He needs to hear this. “You belong, Killian. You are my best friend out of anyone on this planet, and you being in my life for the shortest amount of time changes absolutely nothing. I love you.”

And she says it. Just like that. There’s no hesitation, no weariness. It just…happens. She wasn’t even sure that she felt that way earlier today, but apparently she does. She definitely does. She loves him. Oh damn, she loves him.

She hears Killian giggle, actually giggle, and it’s what gets her to actually look back at him and to look at the way that he’s got water in his eyes, only making them bluer. How is that possible too?

“I love you,” he says on a soft breath, his lips close enough to hers that they actually touch with each breath. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

He kisses her with each uttering of the phrase, and she actually feels her heart rearrange itself in her chest. How in the world has she found someone who loves her, who wants her, who lets her be just who she is without reservations? The anger that was spreading across her skin earlier is replaced by goosebumps of the best kind, and she’s got just this…she’s happy.

“So happy birthday to me, I guess?”

“Happy birthday, my love.”

-/-

“Killian,” she giggles, moving her body as far away from his as she can with the way that he’s got his arms wrapped around her back, pulling her closer to him even as she squirms. “Killian, I’m serious. I need to get up and get ready for work before she gets up.”

“I’ll take care of her,” he promises, trailing his lips over her shoulder and against her collarbone in a way that he freaking knows makes her shiver and lose her mind. He’s doing it on purpose. He’s teasing her, and she’s going to be late for work. With the way she feels right now, she almost wants to give into him. Almost. “Because you have been gone at that blasted conference for a week, and I missed you.”

“You missed having sex with me.”

He raises a brow, the most incredulous look on his face, and all she can do is bury her head in his chest, rubbing her face into the soft hair that resides there. “I mean, obviously I did, but I did miss you for other reasons.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“You should,” he sighs, rolling them over in bed until she’s resting on top of his chest with her head propped up on her crossed arms, “because I missed getting to see this gorgeous face in the mornings, especially when your hair looks like it does right now. I missed getting into arguments with you over what we want to eat or who’s going to do the dishes. I missed being lazy with you. And I definitely missed you when I was putting my best girl to bed. Bath time was rough without mummy.”

“These are all weird things to miss.” “You caught me on short notice. I had a whole list, but I don’t think it really matters since you’re now here, safe and sound from New York.”

“This is true.” She dips her head and presses her lips on Killian’s chest, right where she can hear his heart beating. “I missed you too. Thank you so much for watching Sawyer for that long. I know it’s not exactly on the list of boyfriend responsibilities.”

“Hey now,” he sighs, reaching up to tuck her hair behind her ears and resting his palm there so that she tilts her head to the side and brushes a gentle kiss on the skin, “that is something I will never complain about. You have a daughter, love, and that’s a part of you. I knew that from the beginning, and even if I didn’t, it wouldn’t be a problem. I love Sawyer just as much as I love you, if not more.” “How was that sweet and insulting all at once?” “I’m a man of many talents.”

“That you are.” She leans down to brush a kiss against his chest again before she rolls off of him, ignoring the erection that was pressing against her thigh. “I’ve got to go get ready for work, but I don’t think I’d object to you making breakfast. Just keep the monitor with you, okay?” “I’m not an amateur.”

“Eh, that’s debatable.”

“Is it now?”

“I mean,” she sighs, shrugging her shoulders as she stands at the end of the bed, “I can think of a few things you can work on.”

He raises both of his eyebrows at that, and she already knows that he’s going to protest whatever she says. She could say that he’s bad at astrophysics – and he is – but he’d say he was good. “Would you care to enlighten me, my darling?”

“I mean, I was just thinking that maybe later we could work on some of your hand skills. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with them. I’m just saying that I won’t fight you if you want to practice.”

She takes a step away to go to take a shower, but before she makes it there’s a hand grasped around her knee that’s pulling her back into bed with a thud, her head hitting against the mattress while her arms hits out over Killian’s stomach as he laughs next to her.

“How are you an adult who teaches people for a living?”

“Well I graduated from secondary school, then I went to University at Oxford and then I came here to – ”

“Wait,” she stops him, twisting her body so that she can look him in the eyes, “you went to Oxford? How did I not know that? I really feel like that’s something I should know.”

She sees the blush rise on his cheeks, and she can’t quite figure out why. So she reaches up to caress his face, running her hand over his scruff to coax his gaze back to her. She should really be getting ready for work, but it’s probably okay if she skips doing her hair or makeup today.

“I mean, probably, but there are bound to be lots of things we don’t know about each other still. Where I went to university isn’t that important.”

“Yeah, but we know the important things, I think. One day, though, I want to hear about all of these little details that I don’t know, okay?”

“Only if you share the same with me.”

“I’m not nearly as interesting. I’m not an Oxford man like you.”

“No offense, love, but if you were, I don’t think you’d quite be my type.”

She leans forward and quickly pecks his lips. “That’s what you think. Breakfast, baby, and then I’ll do something for dinner since Liam and Loren are coming into town today and I’m sure you’ll be busy obsessively cleaning your guest room.” “You don’t know that.”

“I might not know you went to Oxford, but I know you, Killian Jones.”

-/-

Killian texted her that Liam and Loren arrived around lunch and that he’d have Sawyer over with them all day, so instead of going to her apartment, she walks across the hall and pulls out her key for Killian’s place, opening the door to hear loud chatter and laughter that stops the moment she walks in. She sees Liam first, the lightness of his eyes reaching hers as she takes in the broadness of his shoulders and the curl in his hair. Killian definitely doesn’t have that curl, but even if she didn’t know they were brothers and hadn’t seen pictures of him before, she’d know just looking at him. Loren is next to him, her red hair pulled up into a ponytail, and she’s got a kind smile on her face that allows Emma to relax the slightest bit.

“Um, hi,” she greets, awkwardly waving her hand and walking further into the room to place the food on the kitchen counters, shedding her sweater. “You must be Loren and Liam. I’m Emma.”

“Hello, love,” Liam says first, getting up from the couch and walking toward her, his hand stretching out in front of her until she takes it. “It’s nice to meet you. Killian is in the bedroom changing your daughter since I’m sure you were wondering.”

“I was, yeah,” she laughs, releasing his hand and wiping her hands down until she has to shake Loren’s hand too. “Did you guys have a good flight?”

“It was long,” Loren groans, throwing her head back even as she smiles, “and the jet lag is a killer right now. Killian’s been keeping us entertained. Your daughter is adorable by the way. I hope it’s okay that we got to spend some time with her today.”

“Oh, of course. She usually goes to nursery, but with Killian not working, he offered to take her while he was on break. And he’s much better with her than anyone else.”

Loren gives her a kind smile while Liam gives her a colder one, and even when she’s been the only person in this apartment, it’s never felt quite this quiet. Meeting new people is always so awkward, but it’d probably help if Killian was out here right now. With her child. She wants to see her child.

“So I wasn’t really sure what you guys like,” she begins, needing something to do with her hands as she unpacks the food out of the counter, “but I figured no one can say no to breakfast for dinner. There’s a diner around the corner that is absolutely delicious, and they’re having all of these yummy holiday themed foods right now. There’s this crepe in here that I swear to you tastes like hot chocolate. I got it for me, but I’d be happy to share.”

“That sounds delicious, Emma,” Loren promises, helping to unpack the boxes. “It smells good too. Don’t you think, sweetie?”

“It does. Thanks for getting us dinner.”

She waves them away, a little more ease setting into her shoulders now that she has something to talk about with them. It’s been awhile since she’s had to get to know someone new that’s not been in a work capacity, and meeting her boyfriend’s brother, well, that’s kind of terrifying. And maybe Liam just isn’t a naturally friendly and outgoing person. Killian loves him probably more than anything in this world, but they’ve known each other for their entire lives. She’s known him for ten minutes. Of course it’s not going to be the same.

She’s just setting out her crepe and the omelet she knows that Killian likes when he walks out of his bedroom with Sawyer dressed in a pair of her pajamas, her hair very obviously freshly washed. He must have gone ahead and given her a bath.

“Hey,” she smiles, dropping the food and walking over to them, pressing up on her toes to kiss Killian’s cheek before she takes Sawyer out of his arms, smattering kisses all over her face until she’s a giggling mess. “Hey, my baby girl. Oh I missed you today. Did you have a good time with Killian and his family? Did you?” Sawyer coos back something that resembles mama but that’s not quite there yet, and she presses one more kiss to her temple before she looks up at Killian. “When was the last time she ate?”

“About three hours ago.”

“Okay, I’ll feed her after we eat.”

“Sounds like a good plan.” He dips his head until his lips are slanting over hers in a slow kiss that seemingly goes on forever until there’s a cough behind them. “Hush, you wanker. Emma, darling, have you meet my charming brother and his wonderful wife?”

“I have. They’re very nice and are super excited about having breakfast for dinner.”

“From the – ”

“Yep.”

They all settle down in front of the television to eat, and things are much easier with Killian around. Conversation flows more smoothly, the laughter she heard when she first walked in comes back, and Sawyer totally eats up all of the attention she’s getting as well as reveling in the different Christmas lights that Killian has in his apartment. They’d decorated her place together, pulling out old decorations and going out to buy new ones, and even though Killian said there was no need for him to do his apartment since he’d probably spend a lot of the holiday season with she and Sawyer, she’d still made him decorate. It’s not much, just a few multi-colored lights strung around the windows as well as a small tree that sits on his coffee table, but at least it’s something. At least he’s not the Grinch.

She really likes Liam and Loren, even if their names go together a little too well for her taste, but what she mostly likes is how happy they make Killian. It’s odd to be in a room with him and be the only person without an accent or to not know a lot of the inside jokes, but watching him laugh, the way he throws his head back against the couch and water falls from his eyes, well, she could watch that all day. She really could. She loves him, and she wants him to be happy all the damn time.

Around eight Loren calls it a night, claiming that she can’t make it any longer, and as she walks to the guest room, suddenly Emma realizes just how much Sawyer needs to go to bed in her crib. She’s asleep on Killian’s shoulder right now, likely drooling up a storm, but Emma hasn’t said anything because she’s selfish and likes the way that Killian’s free hand is running up and down her inner thigh in a movement that she knows is unconscious. He’s not trying to stir her up or start something. It’s simply how his hand falls, and as much as she would like some alone time with him to make good on their conversation from this morning, she really kind of wants to go to sleep. But not for a little while at least.

“I’m going to take her to bed,” he whispers in her ear, scruff brushing against her skin as the warmth of his breath washes over her.

“Okay,” she sighs, getting up with him so she can kiss the crown of Sawyer’s head. “Goodnight, baby. I’ll see you in less time than either of us want.”

Killian chuckles under his breath before he’s walking out of the apartment, the door closing behind him at the same time that plates are clanking together from where she’s cleaning up dinner. Liam joins her in the kitchen not a moment later.

“So what exactly is your plan here?” Liam spits, tossing a dish in the sink while the smile that was on his face a moment ago disappears into a scowl. She feels cornered all of the sudden, and every instinct she has stands on high alert. Why the hell does he look so angry? What just changed?

“What are you talking about?”

Liam scoffs, and her skin heats in response, cheeks likely tinted in red as bright as the ornaments on the miniature tree. What the hell is happening? “I’m talking about with my brother. What are you doing here? Getting him involved with you and your daughter.”

“We’re dating. We’re adults who are dating, and I just so happen to have a kid. It happens every damn day.”

“Yeah, but my brother seems to be convinced that your child is his.”

“I’m sorry…what?”

“You went to a sperm bank right? That’s how you got pregnant.”

“Not that it’s any of your business but yes.”

“Exactly, and Killian’s gone and convinced himself that he was your donor because he apparently donated sperm years ago to the same bank you used. And now he’s walking around thinking he’s a father while he’s not, and you have every bit of power to rip this child away from him because he has no legal right to her.”

“You’re crazy,” she scoffs, disbelief running through her as she steadies her shaking limbs on the countertop behind her. “You are actually crazy. Sawyer is my daughter. Mine. I love Killian, and I know that he loves us but…but he doesn’t think she’s his biological daughter. That would be crazy, and Killian is not crazy.”

“And yet I am?”

“Yes! You’re spewing all of these lies at me! And for what? To drive a wedge between me and Killian? That’s insane. He’s happy. I’m happy. Why would you try to change that?”

“I’m trying to protect him.”

“No, you’re being an asshole.” She gains the strength in her legs to move again, and she quickly walks out of the kitchen, dodging Liam to leave Killian’s apartment and run back over to hers where Killian was going to put Sawyer in her crib.

Liam is crazy. He’s crazy. He has to be. Why would he say these things? Why would he corner her like that? Why does he say that Killian thinks he’s Sawyer’s father? He can’t be. He can’t. Even if he really did donate sperm…he can’t be.

Can he?

No, the odds are too low. It’s not possible, and he would have told her. He wouldn’t have kept this from her or lied to her for this long. Sawyer is almost nine months old. He just wouldn’t have. He loves her, and he wouldn’t keep something like this from her.

Would he?

Would he lie to her like this?

Her body is buzzing with a nervous energy, one that makes her continue to shake, and she struggles to get her front door open with the way her head is pounding, her heart thrumming with it. She could vomit. She might actually vomit all over her living room floor and the Christmas tree that’s full of presents now. Covering her mouth with her hand and ignoring the way her stomach rolls, she walks down the hall to the nursery to find Sawyer fast asleep and Killian straightening up the changing table.

It’s so natural for him to be in here. It’s just like he fits, but right now she feels like she’s having the rug ripped out from under her, having her life ripped out from under her.

“Do you think you’re Sawyer’s father?”

[moviegroovies]

so to me, one of the hallmarks of a good piece of media is people willingly thinking about the characters after it’s over.

obviously, this isn’t like, a 100% success rate kind of thing. there are objectively good, enjoyable pieces of media out there that have no “fandom” type presence on the internet, because, while it exhibited great worldbuilding/storytelling/framing/what have you, it just wasn’t made up of the kinds of characters that people latch on to; the joke about avatar (2009) having less than 100 fics on ao3 despite being the best selling movie of all time for a solid decade is well known because of this phenomenon exactly. amazing cgi, solid plot, but at the end of the day, not that many people cared about jake sully. even still, i think this character-imprinting thing has an important, often overlooked role in intrinsically endearing people to movies that, outside of this factor, might be easily forgettable or even outright disliked. 

case in point: my movie of the day/week/month (how often do i post on this blog, anyway?)....

that’s right, lads, today i’m going to talk about the lost boys. 

if you’ve seen the lost boys, you’ll probably know that it’s not like, objectively, a masterpiece. in fact, if i were feeling particularly uncharitable, it would be easy for me to describe it as a fairly straightforward, low-budget horror b-movie, with a aesop-heavy and simplistic plot and a penchant for cheesy special effects, saved only by its rockin’ soundtrack.

...but i won’t.

i won’t, because using that description would leave out a detail i think it’s completely unfair of me not to touch on: the characters. i love them!! i was hooked from just about the very start of the movie by david’s creepy, affably evil leadership style, sam’s dorky little brother-ness, and michael’s 3cool5school airs. each of the characters, down to the frog brothers (named edgar and allan after the esteemed mr. poe, which really tickled me), the other lost boys, grandpa, lucy, and max, have their own distinct quirkiness that makes them memorable and draws me to want to explore more of their world, more of their stories. 

not enough to watch the infamous direct-to-dvd sequels, of course, but you get what i’m saying. 

there’s an old tip in writing that says something along the lines of “good characters can save a bad plot, but a good plot can’t save bad characters,” and that pretty much sums up my thoughts exactly on this movie. like, the plot itself is pretty much the message ‘peer pressure is bad’ wrapped up in some ugly monster makeup; not exactly cult classic material. however, like i’ve said, the characters and the fact that we get genuine, endearing interactions between them outside of just furthering the plot save it from the dumpster fire and, together, put together a story greater than the sum of its parts. no, it’s not a fuckin’ cinematic masterpiece by any stretch of the words, but it’s a fun movie, and there’s a reason i’ve watched it four times in the past three days, you know? 

(a good chunk of that reason was me slowly losing my grip on my sanity as i frantically put in the dvd over and over again, desperately trying to make myself attracted to kiefer sutherland so i could enjoy the movie to the fullest extent of my ability. i’m proud to announce a perfect success rate, and a slightly degraded sense of taste in men, reflecting the completion of that goal. 

if you too want to find something to lust after beyond his objectively ugly as sin face, trust me when i say it’s all in the voice. mmmmm) 

my favorite thing that the lost boys did was the exploration of different types of friendship and familial bonds. that’s the most striking thing about the movie for me; not only are the characters individuals whom i would like to explore, their interactions with each other are touching and worth exploring in their own right. there’s definitely something about some stories that drives people to write fanfiction (or is that just me? ha ha), and imo, the lost boys totally has it. in fact, while the fandom is sitting pretty at 600+ fics on ao3 (take that, avatar), i was honestly sort of surprised there weren’t more, exploring all the interesting ‘what if’s’ the film presented, and expounding on the bonds that we got to see the effects of in the limited screentime we had. 

what i liked about those bonds was that there were such a multitude of them. there were quite a few platonic bonds making up the crux of the movie (being, in my opinion, much more interesting than the main romantic bond which was explored through star and michael, although isn’t that kind of always the case in these 80′s teen movies? i can’t think of a single designated couple i was actually invested in except for veronica sawyer and jason dean... ferris bueller and sloane peterson, maybe? but i also feel like those two were making a cameron sandwich, so idk if it counts lol), but the way they were treated was cool in that they were unique: we got to see two different kinds of sibling bonds, with michael and sam emerson joking around in an easy, teasing way that totally screamed “wow, this movie was written by someone who actually has a brother” to me (isn’t it sad that some people have clearly never so much as seen a set of siblings in their life, judging by the way they write them?) while edgar and allan frog seem to take themselves more seriously, like a pair of army buddies, we got to see the pack-like bond of the lost boys and the (mostly) good-natured way they hazed michael into their group before things went to shit with them, we got to see star (and some of the lost boys, if you pay attention) being protective and maternal around laddie, and we got to see the uneasy alliance turned nerdy friendship between the frogs and sam. there are also three parent-child bonds that get explored, between lucy and her father (it’s a pretty sweet take on the kindhearted grown child taking care of senile-ish father thing) and lucy and her boys, each of which she has a distinct relationship with: sam is the baby, while michael she seems to level with and trust more, even after he starts getting into trouble and acting up. 

then of course there are two (three, if you count the widow johnson/grandpa emerson subplot, which.... i totally do) romantic relationships: star and michael falling in a sort of love-at-first-sight passionate relationship that soon dooms mikey and eventually saves star, while lucy tries her best to get back into the dating game with max, who is nefarious, of course, but also a little bit sad. remember what i said about what-ifs? i would love to see a fic exploring what might have happened had max’s plan worked out after all, but i guess that’s neither here nor there.

not to be a blatant slash shipper jumping on any two male characters who move or anything, but i think possibly the most important/influential relationship in the whole thing was that between david and michael; michael, obviously, got drawn into the lost boys’ circle by his insta-attraction to star, but he sticks around because of david. he pretty much ignores star once they get to the cliff that night, his attention focused on david because he’s there, and he’s intense, and michael is kind of a dumb bi bitch totally captivated. he drinks max’s blood at david’s taunting, and in direct opposition to star’s advice. there’s a lot i could say on this subject but tbh i’m running out of steam, so that might be a thing for a whole different post.

basically, there are a lot of cool interactions in this movie, and i think a lot of film makers could take note of that. even critically acclaimed, award winning movies being made in today’s world tend to fail to hit that special note, that character-imprintation which makes the audience not only stay engaged to the end, but also to care. not every movie needs that, of course; not everything can launch a darkhorse fandom the way the lost boys has, and honestly, not everything should... unless it’s trying to cater to my interests, in which case, well. 

if all movies were made to cater to my interests, i would have the time of my fucking life, but it’d probably be dark days for the rest of y’all.

thinking about it now, the lack of that element is kind of what makes me wary of the horror genre in the first place; i find so many of those movies just boring as all hell, because they’re too into the “scaring” thing without any of the “caring” thing. people, if we don’t care about the characters we’re watching, then who the fuck gives a shit if they get devoured by shitsucking vampires, anyway? finding the lost boys, a “horror” (i guess i use the term loosely) movie which relied heavily on those character interactions was honestly a godsend, because THIS is what i want to see more of. going down that line of thought, i think it’s honestly a shame and a half that the sequels which joel schumacher planned never got to see the light of day (and, of course, that we were instead left with the tribe, which for the life of me i refuse to fucking watch). the interactions between the lost boys could have been the most interesting part of the movie, if only they had been spotlighted a bit more. that would have been the case in the proposed prequel, the beginning, which would see the boys start out before they became vampires at all. reading about the script for that is honestly sending me, tbh. we could have seen that, and what we got instead were “sequels” that focused mainly on the frogs, when they connected to the original movie at all? where’s the fucking justice?

whatever. that’s the one thing about this franchise i never could stomach; all the damn frog brothers.

(till next time!)

[cbk1000]

So You Want To Read Literature In a Foreign Language

I’ve had a few language asks here and there and thought I would do a write-up specifically on reading in a second language, as that is A. My specialty and B. Most language courses are going to focus on speaking and listening comprehension. Which certainly isn’t a bad thing, but the vocabulary necessary to carry on a competent conversation in a second tongue is much smaller than what you’ll need to read even popular fiction, let alone books of more serious literary aspirations. I’ve arranged this list in order of approximate difficulty, but of course it will always depend upon the exact book/article/comic you’re reading and whether or not its vocabulary coincides with your own.

I’ll put this under a cut, as it will be quite long.

A few tips, however, before I get on with the list: the more you read, the faster you’ll improve, as with anything. If you have the time and drive to read an hour or more a day in your target language, you’ll be knocking out books in no time. In my first year of Russian I was reading for 2+ hours a day, and by the end of that year I was reading fluently with no help from English translations (as I used in my earlier months) and I could pick up just about any genre I liked. My Russian vocabulary, of course, was still not as advanced as my English, but I was able to read fairly complex literature and to understand the majority of the text.

If a piece is too hard, put it down. I can’t emphasize this enough. Trying to read something massively beyond your reading level is frustrating and will only put you off. There were books I had to set aside in my first year and even beyond just because, stylistically speaking, they were over my head. I could follow the main story, but I was missing enough details/subtleties in the author’s style that I knew I needed to set it aside and try again later when I could fully appreciate it. There is absolutely no shame in this; get a few more books under your belt, and try again in a few months. I have now gone back and read several books I had to set aside; you’ll get there eventually. Some pieces are very difficult; I didn’t attempt Solzhenitsyn’s ‘Red Wheel’ series (which was the series that prompted me to learn Russian in the first place, since later volumes hadn’t been translated) until I had been reading prolifically for over two years. My dude is dense, and also wants to go over every minutiae of the fucking Duma’s every meeting with you. It was also around this time that I started reading poetry; it was just too difficult for me prior to that.

Most of all: have fun! Reading not only improves your vocabulary, it expands your understanding of a culture tremendously, and allows you an access to it that you can’t get through translation. Think of all the history you can read!! The primary sources!!

Anyway, away with this rambling introduction, and onward to the actual useful part of this post.

Adapted Classics: I found a series of these in Russian very early on in my studies, and you’d do well to see whether or not you can find something similar in your target language, especially if you’re a beginner. These are essentially long-winded summaries of well-known classics with simplified grammar, so that you can expand your vocabulary without breaking your head over more complex sentence structure that you can’t yet comprehend. I read a simplified version of ‘Anna Karenina’, ‘Jane Eyre’, one of the Sherlock stories, ‘The Adventures of Tom Sawyer’, and ‘20,000 Leagues Under the Sea’ this way. They were extremely useful in growing my vocabulary while not overwhelming me with long, meandering sentences that would utterly lose me in the beginning of my studies (Tolstoy, I love you, but this is aimed directly at you. I REMEMBER THE CITIZENS FLEEING MOSCOW. 200+ WORDS BEFORE YOU THOUGHT TO PUT IN A FUCKING PERIOD). 

Comics: Comics are great. I read some Star Wars graphic novels in Russian, a few manga, part of ‘The Walking Dead’ series, and also some Archie comics, which I used to read all the time as a kid. Not only do you have pictures to help with context, but you don’t usually have challenging descriptive passages to contend with. It turns out that Russians pirate just about everything, so I was able to find lots of sites with huge selections of comics available to read free online. Do a bit of googling and see if you can find something similar in your own target language.

Fanfiction: If you’ve followed this blog long enough, then you know that actually I got my start reading gay Captain American porn in Russian, and it was brilliant, thank you very much, and I bet you I was just about the only beginner Russian student on this planet who could barely introduce themselves but definitely could have had gay phone sex. Fanfiction is not generally written in a highly literary style, so it’s easier to follow. Moreover, you’re dealing with characters, tropes, and plotlines you’re already familiar with, and that familiarity helps enormously. While English is of course the most widely-used language on AO3, you have many language options to choose from, and in a large fandom like Marvel or Harry Potter, you’re bound to find something in your target language. You might check as well to see if any massively popular fics in a fandom you follow have been translated into your target language; I’ve noticed that quite a lot with Russian.

News Articles: News articles are generally written in a simplified language designed to be accessible by the average reader, who’s actually not very good at reading at all. I’m sure this varies somewhat by country and language, but here in the States most clock in at something like a 7th or 8th grade reading level, as that, depressingly, appears to be the average reading level of the majority of the reading public. They’re short and will introduce some new words into your vocabulary in an easily digestible way. Also: most big magazine publications such as Cosmopolitan and People have several  different versions of their websites. The Russian version, for instance, is cosmo.ru instead of cosmo.com. The French edition is cosmopolitan.fr. Figure out what designation your target language uses in place of .com and you’re in business (unless you accidentally get a porn site). Do I like Cosmopolitan magazine? Not particularly. Did it teach me new sex terms in Russian? Absolutely. And that’s what we’re all looking for, right? 

Dual Language: At around 4-5 months into my studies, I started reading dual language texts. I did this first with short stories, and later with full novels. This is not for everyone as it requires you to constantly switch back and forth between your native and target language, and especially if you’re farther on in your studies, this might muddle you more than help you. I found at about 8 months or so I had to take off the training wheels, as my vocabulary and grasp of grammar was good enough that looking over at the English text was actually confusing me, because I had gone from laboriously, awkwardly translating everything in my head to just reading it naturally. But in the beginning, it was a much faster way to check vocabulary, and it also helped me to sort out grammar by comparing it to my native language. All languages are trying to accomplish the same thing, which is to communicate; they just do it in different ways. But you can find a common ground even between languages that are vastly different, as English and Russian are. You can find some dual language texts, or you can do what I did, which is to put the English translation on an e-reader, and get hold of a hard copy of the Russian. I would always read the Russian first, and only if I was confused/missing a lot of words would I look over at the English text. Make sure you compare a couple of translations and pick the one that is most literally faithful, even if it’s not a great translation in and of itself. I used some English translations that I actually didn’t care for as a translation, but they were very literal and therefore very helpful in sussing the original text.  

Books You’ve Already Read In Your Native Language: It doesn’t have to be a book you have practically memorised (though that will certainly help). Anything you’ve read at least once in your life will do. You’d be surprised how much will come back to you, and how much context will help you figure out any unfamiliar words. I picked up the Russian translation of Ken Follett’s giant-ass ‘Winter of the World’ about a year into my studies. His style is neither particularly difficult nor...impressive, but as it’s the second in a trilogy that follows three generations of multiple families from WWI all the way into the Cold War, it has a lot of military and political terminology that you don’t encounter in everyday speech. It’s also over 1,000 pages, so it’s rather daunting in a second language regardless. I had read it once before in English, probably some five years before I read the translation, and going into it I really didn’t remember that much. However, while reading, I found that certain plotlines would start coming back to me, and helped a lot in piecing together unfamiliar terminology, in addition to the words I already knew. Don’t focus overly much on every single word and trying to remember what it is in your native language; trust me, you will absorb a lot from context. Just let go and let it wash over you.

Translations: Translations are almost always going to be easier than a book originally written in your target language, if the texts are of comparable difficulty. For instance: ‘Les Miserables’ is easier for me in Russian than Solzhenitsyn’s ‘The Gulag Archipelago’. Both are massive, rambling texts with long asides on history and politics, and in English I’d say they’re pretty equally difficult reads. Certainly neither is what I would classify as light reading. So why is ‘Les Miserables’ easier? Because in a translation I’m not dealing with uniquely Russian slang and turns of phrase. Yes, some of it has to be Russified in order for the target audience to better comprehend it in their native tongue, but generally speaking it doesn’t feel Russian, if that makes sense. I can tell pretty much as soon as I pick up a book if it’s a translation. Now, French isn’t my native language, but I’ve used it as an example because I’ve read quite a bit of French literature in Russian translation, and fairly difficult authors/texts at that: Hugo, Stendahl, Zola, etc. etc. None of these authors are light beach reads, but they’re also not difficult for me to follow in Russian. And anything translated from English is even more accessible; most texts translated from English into Russian I can follow very nearly as well as I can read the original English. When you’re dealing with a heavy-hitter that’s writing in your target language, they can get up to all kinds of shenanigans and word play; a translation, generally speaking, is not going to be nearly so experimental. 

Dumas: Why does Dumas get his own section? Because you should read him, dammit. HISTORY. SWASHBUCKLING. REVENGE. Dumas is fucking fun. He also has a huge oeuvre to choose from. Additionally, while he does have a lot of plotlines to follow (and this is the difficulty of Dumas when reading him in a second language) and you definitely need to get your historical vocabulary up to snuff, he is not an overly philosophical author. His novels are fun, action-oriented, and someone’s always eavesdropping on a Secret Political Conversation of the Utmost Importance. I’ve read quite a lot of Dumas in Russian (actually more than I’ve read in English) and they are easy, entertaining reads. You might get a little lost in the politics of the era, but unless you’re already familiar with them, you’d probably be a little lost in your native language as well. Don’t worry; people will start dramatically challenging one another to duels again very soon. Also: READ ‘THE COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO’ SERIOUSLY FOR FUCK’S SAKE DO IT.

[panticwritten]

10 Questions from Breakeven2007

Haha, thanks for the tag @breakeven2007, I’m always a slut for answering questions.

Since I forgot to put the rules on the post last time I got tagged, I’ll go ahead and do that this time. Basically, if you’re tagged, you answer the questions your tagger left at the bottom of the post, then you tag some other folks and leave your own questions at the bottom for the next people to answer!

I’ll do this under the break again.

1. What OC makes you want to tear your hair out and why?

Okay, when it come to writing a character, like getting the writing down when I’m writing them, it would probably be Jay. They spend so much time locked away in their lab that they talk to their androids more than they even see other people. They have shaky morals and I always want to write them as being better than they are.

With the way characters act and general ‘what are you doing?’ tearing my hair out, I’d say it’s Sawyer. Because most of my writing is daydreams and I’m writing the things that happened in my daydream, I write with the knowledge of how much those decisions fucked me over. Sometimes I wish I could go back and whisper in my past-self’s ear saying “NO!”

Retrospect is 20/20 and I hate it.

2. Do you like going back and reading old writing or looking at old drawings? Why or why not?

Oh my god, yes. To a point. I love reading 2014-onward writing. Before that, there are things I should just let die. I have a completed Johnny the Homicidal Maniac/”Gory Demise” by Creature Feature fanfic in the depths of my DA, for Christ’s sake.

The worst part is, on my particularly nostalgic days, I have thought about rewriting that ;^;

But I like looking back and seeing how far I’ve come in my writing. I like seeing how different projects change the way that I write. If I read my god-awful writing for 2010, I can actually start to believe it when people tell me my writing is good. Because no matter how many flaws it might have, It’s better than it was. That’s all that matters in the end.

3. Have you ever had a daydream so long and extensive you actually have to catch yourself before writing all that shit down because it was good.

HA yes.

I’d like to say that all of my daydreams that I end up writing are like that, but I know that isn’t true. I waited about a month before I started writing Breaking Furnace, and it took one of my friends asking questions about what in my daydreams was bothering to get me to write Sequence of Regrettable Happenings. I started writing Trollhunter’s: Subverted a few says after the daydream started, but I wish I’d started sooner. So many little details were lost from the first couple days.

The daydream sequence that brought Journey to the Center of Our Mind around is what I’m thinking of for this one. So much just started happening at once and I started writing it as soon as I could tear myself away from the actual daydream.’

On a vaguely related note, the beginning plot for Savior Destroy came out of an actual dream, and so did Damien, one of the paras/characters I have.

4. What is the hardest genre for you to write?

I’m not sure if this actually counts as a genre, but the hardest thing for me to write is physical fights. I’ve never experienced an actual fight, and I have a hard time balancing pacing, action, emotion, all of that stuff.

5. How often do you pull all-nighters (if you do)?

I don’t really pull all-nighters, but I come close a lot. I normally go into staying up past 2am expecting to stay up the whole night because I used to all the time. I never do, though, because I get tired and can’t function. I’m already so tired all the time, I have a hard time when I reach the middle point between normal levels and the I’ve-been-awake-for-36-hours-I’ve -never-felt-so-alive high. I miss the manic feeling of staying up the whole night, but it’s probably not a bad thing that I can’t seem to get there anymore.

I normally just end up making bad decisions lmAO

6. Is your writing better with or without sufficient sleep?

Without. I do good writing between like 8pm and 6am which is why I try to stay up so often, even if I know I’ll fail.

7. Do you have a favorite fandom? If so, why?

Favorite fandom, not really. If I stay on the very surface of fandoms, they’re fine but most of the time if I go any deeper I just end up getting uncomfortable so I tend to not delve. I probably like what I’ve seen of the Dragon Age fandom the most, though. Particularly DA2 because I will fight on my stance that DA2 is the best game in the series.

I just like things. I like the things and I especially like it when I watch/read/listen to things without my brain deciding to give me another 500,000 page-worth daydream to obsess over. Can I just be a casual fan for once in my goddamn life please.

8. What book would you recommend to anyone who asked, regardless of personal taste? (Doesn’t have to be your favorite.)

The Belgariad and The Mallorean. It’s actually two five-book series, but they are everything to me. It’s a fantasy series by David Eddings (and his wife, Leigh Eddings, though she wasn’t credited until much later), and it’s a wonderful coming of age story.

The Belgariad is really focused, most of the characters (except for the protag of course) know roughly what they need to do and who the bad guys are and where they need to go.

The Mallorean delves a lot deeper into the particulars of war. That even the ‘bad guys’ aren’t necessarily evil or irredeemable. There’s a lot more confusion, mystery, and the unknown plays a big part in how the story plays out and the decisions the characters make.

They’re Good Books.

9. Is there an author that you can’t stand? And conversely, one that’s on your auto-read list? Why?

I think I’ve answered a question similar to this on this blog. I haven’t really found an author that I hate, partially because if I start a book and can’t get through it I tend to forget that it and its author exists. Mostly, though, it’s because of how writing grows and a writer can do terrible work in one genre and be great in another. For example, I don’t really like most of James Patterson’s work because the way he writes crime fiction is a little too much for me. I love his YA modern fantasy/science fiction writing, though! Maximum Ride and (okay god I can’t remember what the series was called, like ‘W’ or something, it’s about witches) were genuinely enjoyable, even if they have some big continuation and plot issues that come along with the past pace at which authors like JP write.

I’d say that I want to read every piece of writing that Daniel Handler has ever created as Lemony Snicket. The voice in his work is SO GOOD and fun to read. I’ve been reading TSOUE to my sister and I’m noticing more and more that went completely over my head when I first read it in middle school. Some jokes that are more relatable now that I’m older, and I fully appreciate how terrifying Count Olaf is as a villain. I’m also in the process of reading ATWQ, which takes place in the childhood of Lemony and his first mission as an apprentice in the VFD.

10. If you were a published author, would you support fanfiction of your work? (This is tumblr so I kinda assume so, but some people wouldn’t want someone to “mangle” their work, if you will.) Would you support complete crack ships or ships that you didn’t agree with canonically?

This is kind of a double edged sword, to be completely honest. Since, even in the works I could publish, the main character is a version of myself from my daydreams, fanfiction could be a little weird for me to read.

But, like, fanfiction?? And fanart????? Of something I wrote?? That would be awesome. It would be cool to see how people see my characters, even if they completely fuck up the actual characterization. There is only one noncanon ship that I wouldn’t just say ‘oh, okay, not what I had in mind but fine.’ I wouldn’t ask people not to write it because you know write what you want, but Sawyer and Dominic is something that doesn’t sit well with me.

And that’s a wrap!

I’ll go ahead and tag @cadewrites @itstheenglishkid and @alextriestowritestuff

Okay, here are my questions for you! 

1. Do you have any pets? How about your OCs?

2. How do you beat writer’s block?

3. Where do you draw most of your inspiration from?

4. How do you and your OCs feel about pineapple on pizza?

5. If you had to choose a fictional universe to live in, which one would it be?

6. Would you get along with your OCs if you met them in person? 

7. Which of your OCs would burn a house down or overreact in a similar way if they even thought they saw a spider?

8. What’s your favorite time of day to write?

9. Have you ever written an AU of your own work?

10. Have you ever written a scene so emotionally charged that it hurt you upon rereading it?

A fun story relating vaguely to question 7. Once, I was drawing during the summer with the window open. A dragonfly zoomed in as I was about to close the window and go to sleep, so I abandoned my room in terror, screaming, and slept in the living room instead.

I’m not even scared of dragonflies?? They just don’t belong in my room.

[weebiter-archived]

♨ ❀ ✉ !

♨ What unlikely, ‘only possible in RP’ ships have you enjoyed writing with your muses?

Ok, the Stars of Glory ship between @agent-sawyer and my Little Prince is still hands-down my crossover otp for that kid, as well as his interactions with other Twain canon characters--DON’T GET ME STARTED WITH TINTIN. I could get into a LOT of talk about the Prince and his crossover relationships (because rarely were there any other players in the fandom) but this is Little My so we’re gonna talk Little My.

Little My is also pretty much the only active muse in her fandom at the moment which has left her room for plenty of interaction with crossover and OC muses. I love it when she finds someone to be a nuisance to ( @ryusxnka, @iuriis, @grcatsnakes, @bundleofnerves), or she meets someone who can equally piss her off and vice-versa ( @the-littlest-inkblot, @texxeract, @kaengeru (@dxncingdxmon, @famiished, Candid again because that interaction was straight-up murder) as I love horror themes and if we can get the girl scared for her life in a situation where she doesn’t have control of her escape, I get so thrilled to write!!

I’ve also enjoyed the relationship budding between her and @schneelein, My is developing a friend who knows more about her “love-life” than her own sister AND SHE’S NOT SHY ABOUT GIVING IT AWAY!! They are besties now. Plus every interaction with @koyotii is a treat as he’s one whom she feels gets her when it comes to mischief-making and so his company is MUCH appreciated and looked forward to. I also love how despite being an independent young lady, she’s low-key building a mom squad with @furybred and @ofeire in addition to the Mymble and Moominmamma. And especially appreciating Sidon’s ( @sharkzoransidon ) patience with My, as a good number of us may understand an unrequited love/first crush scenario. (She’s dealing with it, honest, Snow is helping her xD)

I know it takes me a while to get ships going for my muses, chemistry takes a while even for a muse so bold and outgoing. But I’m optimistic about her relationships she has now and may have in the future. uvu

❀ What is your favorite thing about your current fandom or RP community?

I’M NOT THE ONLY ACTIVE FAN IN THIS FANDOM, BLESS! THIS! GAY! SITE! And not only that but this fandom is so, frikken, RAD! Like, not only is it filled with creative and wonderfully skilled people, but as a fandom far beyond tumblr, we all pulled together to make the new series happen in such limited time. Because of the people who love Moomins, we’ve contributed to something that promises to be beautiful and as by the book as one can get with Tove Jansson’s work. Guys, we’re AMAZING!

✉ Say something nice about someone you follow!

I’ve already seem to have made quite a list above for a bunch of my rp buds, so I think I wanna give a little shout-out to a non-rp person I follow who’s been good at pepping the fandom and myself up.

@troominmoll, thank goodness for you and the attention you put into other adaptations of Moomin that lots of people just don’t know about. I adore all your edits and it’s always a fun time when we get to hang in streams and chat about fun, silly things. I feel like we got into the Moomin experience around the same time and took different turns that are both inspirational and exciting for the other to witness (at least I get excited and inspired when I see your posts). Though you’re not a rp blog, I do think of you as a friend and I appreciate your presence here. uvu

[thecosydragon]

My latest blog post from the cosy dragon: Guest Post: Andrew Joyce on ‘Self-Promotion, Self-Confidence & Reflection’

Self-Promotion, Self-Confidence & Reflection

I want to welcome back today author Andrew Joyce. We’ve worked together extensively in the past, including two interviews (2015 & 2016), a spotlight and another guest post! I’ve asked him to talk a bit about his history in terms of promoting his novels and staying true to his own writing self.

My name is Andrew Joyce and I write books for a living. Rosemarie has been kind enough to allow me a little space on her blog to promote my new book, Mahoney. She thought it might be interesting to any new writers out there if I talked about my journey in general and the publishing business in particular.

I sold one of my first short stories and it was published in an anthology of short fiction entitled The Best of 2011. Since then I have written seven books. Several have become best-sellers on Amazon and two went on to win awards in their genres.

My first book, Yellow Hair, was a 164,000-word historical novel. And in the publishing world, anything over 80,000 words for a first-time author is heresy. Or so I was told time and time again when I approached an agent for representation. After two years of research and writing and a year of trying to secure the services of an agent, I got angry. To be told that my efforts were meaningless was somewhat demoralizing, to say the least. I mean, those rejections were coming from people who had never even read my book.

“So you want an 80,000-word novel?” I said to no one in particular, unless you count my dog, because he was the only one around at the time. Consequently, I decided to show them City Slickers that I could write an 80,000-word novel!

I had just finished reading Mark Twain’s Huckleberry Finn for the third time, and I started thinking about what ever happened to those boys, Tom and Huck. They must have grown up, but then what? So I sat down at my computer and banged out Redemption: The Further Adventures of Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer in two months. I had them as adults in the Old West. Then I sent out query letters to literary agents.

A few weeks later, the chairman of one of the biggest agencies in the country emailed me. He loved the story and suggested a few changes. They were good suggestions, and I incorporated some of them into the book. We signed a contract and it was off to the races, or so I thought. But then the real fun began: the serious editing. Seven months later, I gave birth to Huck and Tom as adults. The book went on to reach #1 status in its category on Amazon (twice) and won the Editor’s Choice Award for Best Western of 2013. And just for the record, the final word count was 79,914.

My readers really enjoyed the book. So I ended up writing two sequels, one of which reached #5 in its category on Amazon. Then I turned my attention to my first novel, the one I couldn’t sell to an agent. I whittled it down from 164,000 words to 132,000 and published it myself. It won Book of the Year from one outfit and Best Historical Fiction of 2016 from another.

Okay, now that I’ve conveyed my bona fides, I think I’ll tell you what I’ve learned along the way. It might help you with your writing career or it might not. I hope it does.

The first piece of advice I received from a fellow writer (while I was writing my first novel) was that the process of writing is what’s important. Not the dreams of becoming a best-selling author. Not the certainty that Hollywood would come a-knocking on my door, begging me to let them turn my book into a movie. No, what is important, according to my friend, is the act of creating.

Of course, I did not believe him. I was going to be the next Stephen King, and I was already (figuratively speaking) picking out a tuxedo to wear to the Academy Awards. I was not going to self-publish. I was going to get an agent and get published by one of the Big Five Publishing Houses.

I did everything I had to do. I spent ten hours a day, seven days a week sitting at my computer, writing. When the book was finished, I spent ten hours a day sending out query letters to agents. When the book was rejected because of word count, I wrote another, shorter novel. When it was accepted and published, I spent ten hours a day sending out emails (over 3,000) to book bloggers (each addressed to the blogger by name, and that takes a lot of work) requesting an opportunity to write a Guest Post for the purpose of marketing my book. Then writing the Guest Posts took up another serious chunk of time. To date, I’ve written well over three hundred Guest Posts (another of which can be found right here on The Cosy Dragon). At first, the rate of return was not much. But once I worked with a blogger, they were more apt to respond positively when I came to them for help in marketing my next book.

Side note: Even Stephen King has to market his own books. He puts aside $200,000 of his own money to buy advertising for each book he writes.

Now, ten years later, this is what I can tell you: My friend was right, plain and simple.

My agent and I have since gone our separate ways. His client roster included some of the most famous authors in the world who, combined, sell millions of books a month. Understandably, he was more focused on them than me, so I set out on my own.

I love writing. I used to hate editing, but now I like it. And I really hate marketing. This kind of marketing is okay because I’m writing. Before I wrote my latest novel, I came to a decision. I was going to write Mahoney for myself. I had a story I wanted to tell and I wanted to tell it in my own way. I didn’t care if the book sold or not. It’s a long story (171,000 words). I was told time and time again that I should make it into a trilogy. But that’s not what I wanted. I ended up doing it my way and it worked out pretty well.

This post has gone on a little bit longer than expected. So, I better wrap it up. Here’s my advice for all you new or aspiring writers:

Sit down at your computer and write. Let the words flow. You have to have the fire in the belly. Turn off the TV. Better yet, throw it out the window.

Write for yourself. Enjoy the process.

If you want, try to get an agent. But do your homework. Learn how to write a killer query letter. And never approach an agent until your book is finished and 110% edited!!!

There’s a lot to be said for self-publishing. Here’s an article you should check out.

Read, read, and then read some more. Read everything you can get your hands on! Reading to a writer is as medical school is to a doctor, as physical training is to an athlete … as breathing is to life.

NEVER, EVER RESPOND TO A NEGATIVE REVIEW. Do so at your own risk.

That’s about it. Good luck in your endeavors.

Andrew Joyce August, 2019 Gloucester, Massachusetts

About the Author

Andrew Joyce left home at seventeen to hitchhike throughout the US, Canada, and Mexico. He wouldn’t return from his journey until years later when he decided to become a writer. Joyce has written seven books. His first novel, Redemption: The Further Adventures of Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer, was awarded the Editors’ Choice Award for Best Western of 2013. A subsequent novel, Yellow Hair, received the Book of the Year award from Just Reviews and Best Historical Fiction of 2016 from Colleen’s Book Reviews.

Mahoney

In this compelling, richly researched novel, author Andrew Joyce tells a riveting story of adventure, endurance, and hope as the Mahoney clan fights to gain a foothold in America.

In the second year of an Gorta Mhór—the Great Famine—nineteen-year-old Devin Mahoney lies on the dirt floor of his small, dark cabin. He has not eaten in five days. His only hope of survival is to get to America, the land of milk and honey. After surviving disease and storms at sea that decimate crew and passengers alike, Devin’s ship limps into New York Harbor three days before Christmas, 1849. Thus starts an epic journey that will take him and his descendants through one hundred and fourteen years of American history, including the Civil War, the Wild West, and the Great Depression.

from https://ift.tt/2ZvOCmh

[allthatwehear]

some thoughts, for the first winter break home from school, from the unexpected, and weary

December 27th, 2017

Sarah Lindsey, if there is anything that you should know about God, it is that He tends to work in mysterious ways. And when you think He is not listening, or He has turned a blind eye towards all of the mistreatment, confusion, and anxiety you’ve endured this year, (more so, I think, than I ever should’ve in just a short period of time. Too much, for my taste.) sometimes He gives you these notes. Or maybe blogposts. Or maybe songs, or maybe verses. He wants you to realize he is present, even when it seems, oh when it seems, He is commanding nothing to be going your way. But Sarah, what is your way? Aren’t you the one wandering around aimlessly, struggling, like you have no eyes to see? You’re the one who is controlling your own way, aren’t you? Now I don’t say to blame yourself for all of the hardness that has come your way. Because to be frank, (shudders, that phrase, name) some of it is totally out of your control. Julia’s brain surgery. The temperament and honestly ridiculous way just Frank is. Maddie’s up and down ‘tudes, your up and down ‘tudes. But listen, sweet girl. There was a blog that touched your heart. And for some reason seemed to pinpoint everything you were feeling, down to the last tee. 

A boy treated you horribly. And you have been fixating on his soft face and big smile, those slightly sharpened canine teeth that you adore in a guy, and those dimples and olive-toned(ish) skin. You like his low voice, and you seemed to get lost in his grey/seafoam eyes. Because sometimes it is easy, as a nineteen year-old girl, to get lost in those dreamy eyes. In his prospects and promises of “wow, I love you” “you’re so unique” and oh, “I’m never going to take you for granted,” then he never texts you when you feel like you are going through yet another hard moment, and all you want is those shiny eyes and bright smile to make you laugh or talk about anything else that doesn’t involve how the dog is interacting with the cats or how Tao is upset or how everything, god everything seems to revolve around the stupid animals while you’re on break. Distract you from the fact that Mom has not asked you a single time about you, or about how school was for me; it was like I was just a little ghost and returned home from a usual spend-the-night at Sawyer’s, not three months of my first quarter of college. Where I thought I was going insane, repeatedly. Where I am afraid of myself, to go back. Where I don’t know what demons lurk elsewhere. Where I don’t want to see that stupid face, and want to trick and pretend to everyone that that was just a fluke in their vision. No--Frank and I were never together? What are you talking about? You stalked his Instagram, (like you haven’t been... pfft.) profusely last night, and you found that girl that makes your spine curl and you found he wrote her comments on some of her pictures, some on this post when she was going to the club you were so adamant “wouldn’t be me” if I went, you basically scared me out of going to that, you seemed like you were so good and you knew I was too so you were ushering me not to go. Then you’re commenting on this strange girl’s post saying “I hate it when you can’t in the club” and cracking jokes, and I swear she always had this gross, possessive thing for you and I always want to give her the most intimidating glare or kiss you real hard when she was around. Now I feel like reading this comments opened a whole new, disgusting revelation in me: Sierra is sort of known as, well, I don’t know--it sucks to generalize, but, ah, she seems like the girl who wouldn’t mind you know, just being with guys. Open to that kind of stuff. She likes guys. Opened this disgusting revelation in me--did you really only want a girl for their physicality? I started to doubt literally everything I believed about this horrific boy. What if why he never seemed that curious in me, until he was kissing on me, why didn’t it ever seem genuine when we saw each other? Why couldn’t he bring up anything to talk about? Why did he just not try, or speak to me--why was he so gosh darn awful, Jesus? Am I right? Did I hit the nail on the hammer? Is he just a little ridiculous boy looking for a girl to touch when he is even interested, but will not put in the effort or does not even care about caring for her? What is his motive? And God, oh Lord, why, oh why, did I have to date him. 

We make some horrid, horrid mistakes sometimes. So, here was this blog. And I never, ever want to forget it. This was a friend and I should have got closer to, and now my stomach twists with the thought that I blew it and won’t be close to the people God would’ve wanted me to be, the ones that will truly uplift me and help me, make it a more comfortable transition, not make me feel like no on actually cares or clearly I am not good enough in some shape or form. I blew it, because I was with him and he was so gross that even my friend John met them once and knew their fakeness. Their cliche, their clique. He saw it red and clear and why did not I. Maybe it was a whisper from God. Because Isabel wrote this and I thought I could ache; I messaged her and said how much it meant, but really I wanted to cry and beg that she be my friend this semester because it was just oh, so hard, and I still feel like I have no one to run to. There is not a soul I feel safe, like they’ll understand the petty things that I might talk about, like they wouldn’t pray for me or they’re honestly just too wholesome to admit the grossness. The knitty gritty. I hate it. Anywho, here is this post, and you know you should heed its advice. It is beautiful, and clearly she is going through, something, too.

https://byisabelrae.wordpress.com/2017/12/27/21-for-the-day-after-christmas-for-the-almost-but-not-quite/ 

Frank Rant:

Oh that ridiculous, ridiculous boy. I think of him now after reading those hidden comments and I just want to cringe. I woke up this morning and remembered and I wonder if sometimes, my mind ever wandered to him and I would actually be sick. What was with his comments, what does he actually think of girls, what did he actually think of me. Despicable. I don’t think God intends for me to dislike someone this much, especially, what a turn I took, from wrestling/crying/daydreaming of being back with Frank, maybe we’d forget it all or he would kiss me and I would promise not to say anything more after that. Those lips would be sealed and at least I would have him and I would continue getting his kisses. This was bad and this was really unhealthy and I cannot believe you did this to yourself, I can’t believe how those blue eyes blinded you. Did he care? Did he even, actually care? When that night, after he so caringly and knowingly ran off with his bestfriend for almost the whole night while you sat, uncomfortably, in another’s room and were trying your darndest to just be calm and mellow so it didn’t seem like you felt totally and utterly anxious--unwanted? Just trying to fit in. You ran off and then you came and found me and I was sitting with Matt Benzar in his calm room and beside Gracie, and you laughed and joked with yourself as you messaged, spontaneously, all sorts of girls on facebook and I wondered what in the hell you were doing. Did you message Sierra, would you take her up on taking you to the club if you felt like it? Even though, god forbid, I go to the club. Oh no no. Noo way. Think about it precious, this guy is scum. Absolute and ridiculous scum. Think of how you said, choked out the words standing outside of Storyville coffee waiting for the bus to the conservatory, that you felt alone, and had no friends. How you missed the ones at home. And he just jerked his head towards a stupid (do you see why they aren’t my favorite?) dog (negative connotation, exactly) and proceeded to tell me how you were going to drive to Portland with friends tonight, and there was no room for me. I hate him. I don’t think I have hated anybody before. But I hate you. I hate you for the way you made me feel, for the way you made me question my worth, and my personality, and my purpose and just everything, over, and over again. You piece of garbage, you should never make someone feel that way. Oh I loved how Sawyer said it yesterday. “You need to ghost that boy.” And oh I will, if I can help it. I’ll ghost you and hope you never come near me again. Because I don’t trust that you ever meant well and it would be the last thing I would ever do to be with you again, not if my life depended on it, you just, grossness. I don’t even like to think that these ranting paragraphs could be any indication that I am just bitter and really liked you and you hurt me. No. This is me, having space, and time, and a perception to see, all the things, wrong, you did to me, all of the warning signs I should have picked up and run instantly at the sight of. Grab that pack and dart the other way, like in the movies, as if he were holding up a weapon to your heart, you turn back and run. That is what I should have done. No, this is me lamenting. Gross. Gross gross gross. Don’t you ever let someone treat you like that again. This is why your heart is so cautious to everyone else in your past--because you keep repeating the same patterns, you keep, God Lord knows how! finding those ridiculous boys who just! don’t! make any sense! hurt you still when! Lord Jesus, what on earth kind of future am I supposed to have with anyone--maybe I am never meant to be married at ALL! AHHHHHHHH!!! 

[callmoiwhatuwant]

1-100

I hope you know you’re the best and this kept me entertained for a while 100 questions1. Is a kiss considered cheating?On the lips 100% yes. On the cheek in a familial way, no. 2. Have you ever faked orgasm?Nope I’m very straight forward and if I’m not enjoying it then I’m not gonna fake it to save someone’s feelings 3. If you could have one superpower, what would it be?Time travel! 4. Do you think you are going to be rich in 7-8-9 years?Hahahahahaha probably not. I’m already drowning in debt probably will be drowning in more student debt by then 5. Tell us some funny drunk story.I swear I have good ones but like I can’t think of any6. Why are you no longer together with your ex?He dumped me 🤷🏼‍♀️ His loss 7. If you had to choose one way to die, what would it be? Gun shot to the head. Instant. Painless. 8. What are your current goals?I’m actually going back on my whole30 diet again so weight loss and I really want to get back to school at some point. Happiness is a goal too. 9. Do you like someone?I love someone if that counts 10. Who was the last person to disappoint you?Myself 11. Do you like your body?It’s a love hate relationship, some days it’s good some days it’s bad12. Can you keep a diet?I’ve had really good luck with whole30 so yes! 13. If the whole world listened to you right now, what would you say?Stop. Just stop. Listen to what you are saying to each other, look at the way we are treating our underprivileged brothers and sisters. How can we not decide to work collaboratively? We would all benefit if there was equal give and take and the world would be more peaceful. Stop trying to be the strongest, stop trying to out do another country. We need peace more than we need nukes. 14. Do you work?Don’t think that’s even a question anymore 15. If you could choose only one food to eat to the rest of your life, what would it be?Probs salad cause it’s really diverse or maybe pizza 16. Would you get a tattoo?I already have 3 and I’m dyin for more 17. Something you don’t mind spending all your money on?Tattoos 😂18. Can you drive?Yes and no. My license is expired right now19. When was the last time someone told you you were beautiful?Uhhh I honestly can’t recall 20. What was the last thing you cried for?Something dumb on tv tbh 21. Do you keep a journal?I try to actually! 22. Is life fun?Debatable.....23. Is farting in front of people irrelevant?Older you get the less you care 24. What’s your dream car?Something from the 50s or 60s muscle car25. Are grades in school important?In college and uni absolutely 26. Describe your crush.Tattoo artist. He’s a cutie. But I’m committed. He’ll tattoo me though! 27. What was the last book/movie that really impressed you?WONDER WOMANNNNNNNN28. What was your last lie?That I was okay 29. Dumbest lie you ever told? I don’t really lie a lot so I don’t really know honestly 30. Is crying in front of people embarrassing?To me it’s become a weekly ritual soooooo31. Something you did and you are proud of?I’m proud of graduating and moving somewhere I knew no one and still being okay on my own. 32. What’s your favourite cocktail?Don’t really drink em to be honest 33. Something you are good at?Weird knowledge on an assortment of topics 34. Do you like small kids?I think they are the most adorable creatures till they can talk then they are devils 35. How are you feeling right now?Tired, sad, frustrated, anxious 36. What would you name your daughter/son?Son: JamesDaughter: haven’t put much thought honestly, always thought I’d have a boy first 37. What do you need to be happy?Comfort, attention, love, food38. Is there some you want to punch in the face right now?Yeah most definitely 39. What was the last gift you received?My mom bought me a bunch of stuff lol 40. What was the last gift you gave?Probably Christmas and an A7X mug and slippers and something else to my partner 41. What was the last concert you went to?Sawyer Brown but before that it’d be Slipknot 42. Favourite place to shop at?Walmart as weird as that sounds 43. Who inspires you?My dad actually 44. How old were you when you first got drunk?Like 14 45. How old were you when you first got high?14 46. How old were you when you first had sex?1547. When was your first kiss?When I was like 12 48. Something you want to do until the end of this year?Keep my damn diet 49. Is there something in the past you wish you hadn’t done?self harmed.... tried to kill myself... 50. Post a selfie.51. Who are you most comfortable around?My best friends 52. Name one thing that terrifies you.Being cheated on again53. What kind of books do you read?Anything from classics to erotic lol 54. What would you tell your 12 year old self?Its gonna get worse but don’t be afraid to get help55. What is your favourite flower?Roses and orchids 56. Any bad habits you have?I overthink a lot 57. What kind of people are you attracted to?Girls who can dominate preferably alternative and burly tattooed guys. All have to be animal lovers and like to be fit. 58. What was the last thing you cried for?A movie on tv 59. Is there something you don’t eat? Some food that truly disgust you?I love all food honestly 60. Are you in love?Yes, I think so still anyways, I just don’t know if he feels the same anymore 61. Something you find romantic?Genuine interest and eye contact 62. How long was your longest relationship? Almost 3 years 63. What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex?How bitchy and catty girls can be, periods and girls who pretend to be ditzy to get men’s attention64. What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex? Men who think they need to prove their manliness, overtly sexual and can’t keep conversations normal (maybe just my age range though) guys who think being jerks is the way to girls pants. 65. What are you saving money for?Tattoos, paying people back. Traveling. School. 66. How would you describe your bad side?A raging psychotic bitch67. Are you actually a good person? Why?Debatable lmao 68. What are you living for?I don’t really know anymore, for myself and my cat I think69. Have you ever done anything illegal?Definitely.... 70. Do you like your body?Most definitely love and hate 71. Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally?Yes but they deserved it72. Ever sent nudes?So many omg 73. Have you ever cheated on someone?Nope and never will74. Favourite candy?I love twizzlers and kit kats 75. Is there a blog you visit every day, or almost every day? Tag it!No not really... 76. Do you play any computer games? What is your favourite game?I play sudoku but that’s it lol77. Favourite TV series?Ayuh that’s really hard to pick.... right now it’s greys anatomy 78. Are you religious? Does God exist?Spiritual. I put myself under the pagan category. A single god in my eyes does not exist but many gods and goddesses do 79. What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why?The secret garden. It was a reread but it’s always good 80. What do you think about vegetarianism/veganism?Great for you if you can do it but I definitely can’t 81. How long have you been on Tumblr?I believe my blog turned 4 or 5 this year 82. Do you like Chineese food?Love it. I grew up in a predominantly Asian city and region and it was a way of life lol83. McDonalds or Subway?Depends if I’m drunk or not or on my period. But usually McDonald’s 84. Vodka or whiskey?Why not both? But I prefer whisky for its flavour 85. Alcohol or drugs?Drugs. Weed is a drug right? 86. Ever been out of your province/state/country?Numerous times87. Meaning behind your blog name?I was like 14 at the time and edgy but the moi part is for my francophone early life 88. What are you scared of?Change. Lots of change89. Last time you were insulted?I don’t get insulted very easily so probably a while ago cause I don’t remember 90. Most traumatic experience ?Having someone die under my hands as they bled out as I was performing CPR after a horrendous car accident that my dad and I were the first responders for. We helped as the ambulances were on their way. Unfortunately the deceased lost too much blood to be revived. 91. Perfect date idea?Nice dinner, walks and long talks. Or getting tattooed and making out. 92. Favourite app on your phone?Probably Facebook. I use it a lot 93. What colour are the walls in your room?At my moms they were white and gray, here they are off white which I hate. 94. Do you watch Youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber?A little. I love Joe Santagato and The Try Guys and Ladylike 95. Share your favourite quote.“You are my sunshine my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray, you’ll never know dear how much I love you, please don’t take my sunshine away” 96. What is the meaning of life?In biological terms it’s to reproduce and balance ecosystems, in bigger terms.... I’ll let you know when I figure it out 97. Do you like horror movies?Love them! 98. Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened?Yes, when I left to Alberta99. Do you feel lucky or special in a way?Not really. I feel pretty ordinary to be honest 100. Can you keep a secret?Yes I definitely can. I am a hella reliable friend.