#if i spend more than a month in a fandom and haven't done something fucked up to someone's hands yet

[tenspontaneite]

A robot can have evil little electricity eating tentacles in their wrists. As a treat.

(This is pretty much just a Seven Red Suns Hand/Harvester ref for Assembly)

[winkle-pickers]

🦈🎁🚀 for the ask game! (If you're still doing it ofc)

Omg YES, I am doing all ask games in perpetuity 😂💞 Thank you for checking, and I'm delighted to answer!

🦈 Which character is the toughest to write?

I think last time I answered Jounouchi, and that is still true to an extent, but oh my god BAKURA. I just tried writing my first Bakura fic recently. Like yes I know being mysterious and strange and (deliberately?) confusing is like his whole thing, but if you haven't been steeped in the Bakurae/Ishtar side of the fandom for the last 20 years...it's a lot of meta to catch up on. A LOT. So many good takes, many in direct opposition to each other, many of them equally compelling despite that. WHEW. I tried my best, I hope I didn't write an offensively wrong Bakura, everyone's gotta start somewhere right?!?! ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ

🎁 Have a piece of a WIP you want to share?

Ooooh, yes!! A little Kaibros character study from years ago that has been languishing in my drafts, that I'm re-working and may actually publish someday. I'll stick it under a readmore, tell me what you think!

🚀 Do you like to outline your fic first or create as you go?

Unfortunately, I don't have the kind of brain where I can sit in front of a blank document and think a story out in bullet point form. I desperately wish I did lol. But alas I must charge in headfirst and get a few thousand words in before I have any idea of where I want things to go. Sometimes (often) I blast through the entire thing without outlining. Sometimes I hit a snag somewhere and realize I done fucked up and need to put myself back on the tracks.

And then there was the time I got 100k words into a YGO/Zelda crossover and realized oh no i think this will be MUCH more than 100k and wrote a very rough outline, then another Zelda game came out halfway through the fic and I had to spend a solid month rewriting my outline to accommodate lore from the new game, and also I somehow accidentally turned the whole thing into a huge ensemble cast with multiple concurrent plot threads balancing both YGO and Zelda character arcs, Hyrulean politics, and an imminent multiverse collapse. My Scriv file now has a 120k word planning & research section. (Oops.)

tl;dr I have exactly one fic that is well outlined and the rest are me doing the writing equivalent of a Leeroy Jenkins. congrats if you get that reference and are ancient like me

ANYWAYYYYSS thank you for the ask!!! Kaibros snippet under the cut 🐉

“Come on, nii-sama,” Mokuba pleads. It comes out weirdly desperate, more pathetic than he’d intended. “This is so unfair. It’s unfair enough that I don’t have parents, and it’s even more unfair that you won’t tell me-”

“You do have a parent.” Seto's reply is so sharp that it makes Mokuba flinch.

“I know, I know,” Mokuba replies, irritated at the pedantry. “You’re my parent legally. But you’re not, you know...I just want...”

Mokuba realizes as he’s talking that he’s said something terribly wrong. The change in his brother’s face is minuscule and significant and makes his stomach flip in shame. He trails off, the words curling up and dying as they fall off his tongue.

“Please go to bed,” Seto says. His tone of voice is so perfectly even that Mokuba gets up and leaves without another word.

Mokuba doesn’t go to school the next day, opting instead to stay in bed and stare at the wall. Seto either doesn’t notice or doesn’t care.

For the first time in years, he cries. And then he thinks about the fact that it’s been years since he last cried. Mokuba spends so much time wondering what the fuck is going on in his brother’s head that he’s maybe neglected to turn the same scrutiny on himself. And he’s maybe leaned a little too far into his role as the ‘normal’ Kaiba - the charming one, the easygoing one, the one who exists to balance out the bombastic, powerful force of nature looming tall at his back.

But who had cried - just once - after Gozaburo hurled himself from the top of the Kaiba Corporation building, and who had watched the coroners wheel away the black-draped gurney with impassive, bone-dry eyes?

[dykelawlight]

if you haven’t done them yet: 39, 69, and 73 for the get to know your fic writer!

39. Share a snippet from a WIP

Oh fuck LMFAO okay. Okay. Here's something from the sequel to Offensive Maneuver which I AM WORKING ON I PROMISE in spite of the fact that all I do is post L/Light/Mikami threesome fics in the chat at 2PM on a Wednesday.

“Fucking ow, you fucking maniac, let go ⁠—” “Get off me and I will,” L orders. Light makes a rattling noise. She snatches L’s thin wrist away from herself with both hands, like she wants to break it, and shoves off of her much more roughly than necessary. She gets back to her feet, glowering down at L like an insect she’d like to stomp into dust. After a moment, she sets her jaw and offers L her hand, which L accepts. Light pulls her none too gently to her feet, looking her over with a furrowed brow and cursorily dusting off the shoulders of her white shirt. “Sorry,” she says shortly. “I’m sorry.” She's funny when she's like this ⁠— a punished child made to offer an apology on pain of spending recess in the corner. But there's no one making her, no consequence but her own distaste for her actions. Light struggles, L thinks, when she is not given consequences. She's looking at L expectantly, now, low and ashamed under her lashes, and the potential amusement of refusing to grant Light the forgiveness to which she clearly feels entitled isn't quite heavy enough to outweigh the fact that L will, unfortunately, feel like she's kicking a puppy. “It’s okay.” “I wish you wouldn't say those things to me.” “I only tell lies when strategically necessary,” L lies. “I won't do it simply because Light asks me to.”

69. What work of yours, if any, are you the most embarrassed about existing?

HMMMM this is a good one. I think I have some early sort of cringey stuff from previous fandoms dating back to when I was like 16 that is a little embarrassing but honestly nothing that makes me wildly humiliated to think about. As for stuff I'm currently working on it is kind of embarrassing that I'm on wip spinoff #3 of an AU fic that I haven't even published the first installment of but also I'm the writer and I get to pick the stupid shit that gets written.

73. What do you think makes your writing stand out from other works?

This is a good one! Within the DN fandom specifically I think the fact that my stuff is generally about lesbians. In terms of actual textual characteristics, I genuinely don't know. I've read lots of great DN stuff since entering the fandom a crisp 2 months ago and I do feel like my work is kind of just another crayon in the box, but I hope the color is cool, to carry that metaphor as far as it'll go.

[macgyvertape]

Shadowkeep Campaign Retrospective

I've been playing through the rest of the Shadowkeep campaign in the past day on Hunter and Titan, after having just done the first mission on those characters and completed the whole thing once on Warlock 3 years ago. I didn't play Shadowkeep when it came out since I had 0 interest in a 3 month then gone forever seasonal model vs a yearly pass, so it's hard for me to judge Shadowkeep in a vacuum.

Fandom rumor has it that Shadowkeep development was really negatively affected by Bungie separating from Activision, and that theory seems plausible when playing the campaign story years later and comparing it to Beyond Light which also had development hurdles due to covid. Despite the hurdles, Beyond Light felt like it had more stuff to do, helped by a new sublcass and new varieties of enemies like Brigs and Wyverns.

The campaign quests and post campaign activities (find 3 different types of collectables, Deathbringer quest, Alter of Sorrorws public event, do Nightmare Hunts again with champions) feel bare and closer in content level to the current seasons that started after s13 than expansions like Witch Queen or Lightfall. Nightmare Hunts even in the campaign only have a few lines of dialogue and some only have it at the end; the scarcity really stands compared to missions in later expansions and seasonal activities which while having a few lines have a lot of variety.

Most of the campaign levels are the "XYZ Hunt" that started in Forsaken with the Scorned Barons and continued through Beyond Light with the Empire Hunts, and wow are they short especially when above 1600 power level. I timed myself on the missions and it usually took longer to run to the boss than kill it (Phogoth: 4:30 to run there, 2:29 to kill him). Remembering that Armor 2.0 was introduced in Shadowkeep explains the design choice of why Nightmare Hunts have their own armor and Dreambane mod that only works on that armor; to introduce players to the new system so by the end of the campaign they have a full set of armor. However that mechanic has aged so poorly that it makes the Nightmare Hunts dead content; the Nightmare Hunt armor does not drop with good stats so doing post campaign Nightmare Hunts at higher difficulties means you are making a tradeoff between good gear vs bosses designed to be fought with multiple of the Dreambane mods equipped. Lightfall has put that dead content fucking 6 feet under: Legend and Master difficulties are now power capped so you can't power grind to get around the armor problem. If you haven't done the Team Flawless Master Nightmare Hunt triumph yet or the time trials, you're shit out of luck.

My favorite mission entirely because of the atmosphere and vibes was stealing the Cryptolith. Great sense of horror to be in the place Eris lost her fireteam as you stand on points with just your ghost as a flashlight as Hive come screaming out of the darkness, and then at the end where you have to run away as more and more Hive appear to chase you. The Cunning level in Witch Queen was very similar just with more development resources so there's a fun sparrow section.

A fun comparison: Shadowkeep's main protagonist is Eris with Ikora supporting, and Witch Queen's main protagonist is Ikora with Eris supporting. In Shadowkeep the parts of the campaign directly with Eris are phenomenal, I enjoy her character enough to be motivated to spend a few hours finding collectables which is something I normally skip.

The worse comparison is despite how most of the events of Shadowkeep were orchestrated by Savathun, unless you go reading through the lore (including not ingame weblore) you will never learn that vs Witch Queen where relevant info like that is communicated directly to the player. Shadowkeep ends on a deliberately ominous note as Eris stares directly into the camera after communing with Darkness, a plot thread that really went nowhere other than "is Eris evil?!?!" fandomwank, how I wish that had been a Savathun stinger reveal instead.

Shadowkeep also served as the prologue to the current Light/Dark storyarc, where the ending mission is finally exploring the Pyramid and briefly fighting the Hunt bosses over again as then mysterious presence (The Witness) talks about the flaws of the light. It's interesting to look at the fun ending scene in the Black Garden with our Darkness!pilled Doppleganger, and see the vague outline that over the course of 3+ years was developed into The Witness whose backstory was just revealed.

[criscura]

Yeah I dont see how the manga is ending soon when there is still more webcomic after garous arc and the webcomic isn't finished? Maybe they're hinting Murata will be taking a hiatus cause after garou because there's not much webcomic material left to work on until ONE get more webcomic out or maybe they think this arc will be somewhere neat to tie off the manga idk lol

I'm actually gonna post something I just wrote on Reddit (with minor edits):

There are really, REALLY good chances that the whole "HE MEANS THE END OF THE SERIES" is being taken way out of context. In the thread this tweet came from, Murata was answering another artist who said they were checking out OPM for the first time. They were impressed with the fight between Saitama and Garou, and Murata answered with that tweet. It's more likely than not he meant that this series of fights is almost over--not the whole-ass manga--because it doesn't make sense for the story at all, the rumor is coming from an extremely unreliable source, and it's been disproved.

Explanation under the cut:

Story-wise, why on earth would they end it here? After introducing so many new, unanswered plot threads (some of them within the last few pages!); spending a year redrawing fights so that they worked with wherever the story was going, which would then be ending immediately after all those redraws before you could understand why they were done; hinting hardcore at MANY different mysteries that we haven't touched; and not that I think ONE or Murata care particularly hard about profit first, but having the series rocket up the charts over the past few months?? To the point where it's been trending on twitter multiple times now? And when ending it here would contradict almost every single element of the story, on every single level, effectively destroying it, after busting their asses over it for the past ten years? And they decide to say it's done with a fucking off-handed comment in a reply tweet to another artist?

No. It makes way more sense that Murata just meant, "Oh man, I'm so happy you like this fight, but I'm sorry because it's coming to a close. Me and ONE-sensei will try to make sure it's a satisfying finish though!"

Also this rumor was started by an extremely toxic "fan" who, for the past several years, has done nothing but start fandom-wide drama. So far as I can tell his only motivation is that he thinks the webcomic is better than the manga (and seems to have a personal grudge against Murata, who he's constantly insulting and making fun of). It's to the point where he gets pissy and petty if anyone says they enjoy the manga, and will go out of his way to make people miserable for disagreeing with him--or just for making content he doesn't like. So like....yeah. Yeaaaahhh, I'm taking anything and everything he says about this with the tiniest grain of salt. It doesn't help that the people I'm seeing push hard for the rumor being true are all people who will agree with anything he says and/or can't stand the manga and want to see it over. They don't want it to exist for whatever reason, so they're gonna read this tweet in the worst possible light--even if it doesn't actually make sense.

On top of all that, a Japanese reader on Reddit said that in their decades of reading manga, they've never seen シリーズ used to mean a series or manga, but moreso an arc. Here's a link to the comment. That matches what I've seen from the Japanese accounts I follow on Twitter--Japanese fans aren't freaking out the same way non-Japanese fans are. They have Twitter same as we do, and if they're reading the same tweets and getting a different meaning, I'm going to trust them. (And that's not to mention that the translations the linked as "proof" of the rumor that the is series ending seem pretty half-hearted and lead-on to me.)

TL, DR: This was a rumor started by an unbelievably toxic fan who hates the manga and wants to see it end, which has been disproved or completely unacknowledged by native Japanese speakers, and makes no sense in any context of the series at all.

[that-wildwolf]

I was tagged by @crescentbunny and I'm not tagging anyone in particular because I never really have a good grip on who's already done a tag game and who hasn't...

Anyway! Here goes :)

How many works do you have on AO3?

I write lots of one-shots, so this should be around thirty... Yep, twenty-seven.

What’s your total AO3 word count?

Where do you check that? You can check that???

*spends approximately 10 minutes going through AO3 settings they didn't know existed*

Cool! A lot of features I didn't know about. Anyway, um. Yes. My total word count is, for the moment, 471,674 words.

Wow. I. Um. Almost 500K words. But—and this is extremely important—I feel like this graph contains some vital information:

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Wow. Okay. I'll do this in chronological order because I never really counted.

Percy Jackson and the Olympians, Inheritance, Assassin's Creed, The Wolf Among Us, The Walking Dead, Doctor Who, Star Wars, Attack on Titan, Fallout, Sarah Jane Adventures, Elder Scrolls, Mass Effect, Steven Universe. I don't think I missed anything...?

That adds up to 13.

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

Of course I do! I thrive on feedback! Not implying that my entire self-esteem hinges on the approval of strangers on the internet, but comments are the best fucking thing ever! Instant serotonin for a whole day! Of course I'll reply! I love getting into little conversations with my readers, too!

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Wow. I'm usually more of a happy ending kind of person, but A New Quest (which I wrote at the super proud age of 11) did end with half of the main characters dead and a memorial service for them as the last scene, so... You know. If you consider that angsty, then sure.

Fun fact: Crossing A Line was actually originally supposed to end with Shepard dying! The last chapter (which to me still feels a bit out of place) was rewritten completely. I'm glad I changed it, though. I'm having a lot of fun with the sequel!

What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

A month ago I'd have said Waiting Between Worlds without second thoughts—does it count as a happy ending when the whole fic is just a happy ending?—but it's just been going downhill the last three or four chapters. Pretty much every one of my one-shots in the When I Need You series. Also, Crossing A Line, I guess, now that it has a happy ending.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I... really don't. I'm wildly ace, all my sex knowledge comes from smut and porn and I'm pretty sure that if I were to actually write the adult stuff, I'd either go way overboard and make it too obscene to read or end up with something completely dry and clinical and unreadable too.

When there's sex scenes in my fic, I usually leave them implied. I say the characters had sex, but I never explicitly write the actual sex. I don't think I'd be good at it. (Actually, I've tried plenty of times and I know I'm not. It's the dirtiest, kinkiest filth you'd ever see and I'd really recommend against reading it.)

I do like writing the pre-chorus to sex, as it were, though. The sensual foreplay to the sexual foreplay. The soft or heated moments leading up to the act. I've even gotten comments about my lime being "extremely hot despite not being smut" and I'm more than happy with that description.

Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the strangest one you’ve written?

I used to write crossovers. Now I only sometimes write AUs based on a different fandom, like a Shakarian Kimi no Na wa!AU.

The strangest crossover I've ever written? Don't know if any of them were strange. I had The Wolf Among Us/The Walking Dead crossovers and Doctor Who/Sarah Jane Adventures crossovers, but both of those pretty much exist in the same universe already, so... No. No weird crossovers.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

God, I hope not. At least none that I know of.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Yes. Plenty. A lot. I'd wager around 4 out of 5 comments on my Shepard Twins fanfic are negative. I haven't updated the fic in a while, but that doesn't mean I'm not writing anymore. I have around 50K words' worth of WIP of it. So no, the hate comments don't bother me. (A lie: they bother me a lot. They even make me cry, sometimes. But they're not gonna be the reason I stop writing a story I enjoy.)

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

My very first fanfiction writing experience, actually. In retrospect, I think that worked out great, because that kind of cooperation made it easier to carry the whole thing through, get it to the end, and was a very positive experience - which is probably why I've continued to write fanfic.

What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Ahhh. Royai or Shakarian? Royai or Shakarian? Stupid, since they're almost the same relationship dynamic, but they're both amazingly written. I'm edging a bit more towards Shakarian, because interspecies stuff is always a bonus. Still, it's a close competition.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

I wish! I've translated other people's fics, but I've yet to have someone do that for me.

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

I plan to hope to finish all my WIPs.

What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue. This is going to come off as boastful, but I think I'm pretty good at replicating individual characters' speech patterns.

What are your writing weaknesses?

According to my beta, I use elispses too liberally. According to me, I have trouble with transition scenes. I never write in order, so I always end up with disconnected scenes I need to join into a chapter. And the join parts don't even come easy to me.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

Not a fan. (When I write fanfics in Polish, I sometimes use English, but that's not the same because everyone in Poland knows English anyway.) If it's a made-up language in the fandom, I like to include some words every now and then in dialogue - especially when it doesn't translate exactly. I love spotlighting cultural differences. I actually learned a load of Jel words for my Murkmire fanfics.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Percy Jackson and the Olympians. Good times. Damn, that was a long time ago. *suddenly gets the overwhelming realization that they've been writing fanfic for the bigger part of their life* ...Wow.

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

Big Spoon/Little Spoon, a short Shakarian one-shot exploring the psychology of the Spacer background a bit. I also used lighting in a really cool way in this one! I'm really proud of it. Even when I call it "the Spooning As A Metaphor For Nationality Issues fanfic", I mean it in an affectionate way.

As far as non-one-shots go, I'm going with Crossing A Line. It's got it all: Enemies to Lovers, language barrier, interspecies awkwardness... Plus, writing from Garrus's POV is always a treat. I get to refer to humans as "aliens". What more could you want?

[tomishaped]

Rating:

Explicit

Archive Warnings:

Graphic Depictions Of Violence • Major Character Death

Category:

M/M

Fandom:

Supernatural

Relationship:

Dean Winchester!Izzy Hlton

Characters:

Dean Winchester • Izzy Hilton • Sam Winchester • Asmodeus • Dagon • Demons • Hellhound • Ellen Harvelle • Jo Harvelle • Hunters • Crowley • Charlie Bradbury • Bobby Singer • Ruby • Death • Pestilence • Famine • War • Castiel • Angels • Cain

Additional Tags:

Demon Dean Winchester • Demon Sex • Kidnapping • Gay Sex • Blood • Blood Kink • Hate Sex • Love/Hate • Major Character Injury • Major Original Character(s) • Character Death • Past Child Abuse • Past Rape/Non-con • Past Sexual Abuse • Past Torture • Past Violence • Canon-Typical Violence • Violence • Protective Dean Winchester • Bisexual Dean Winchester • Top Dean Winchester • Dean Winchester is Bad at Feelings • Izzy is too • Emotional Hurt/Comfort • Emotional/Psychological Abuse

Summary: After being pulled out of hell Dean realizes quickly that the four months he had been gone made way for a lot of changes in the lives of everyone he knows, including the life he had known for himself before he died. Nobody was treating him the same, and there was seriously something going on with his brother that he could not figure out. He was spending most of his time alone nowadays, not really hunting anymore since Bobby and Sam were against it for him, and spending most of his time drinking instead to try and forget. He was angry, pretty much all the time. That anger really worked in his favour though when walking back to the impala he came across a freaking hoard of demons getting ready to attack some blond chick. He didn't know who she was or what the hell all the demons wanted with her, but there was no way he could just walk away. Maybe if he had any idea what trying to save this person was going to lead too he would have just walked away, maybe if he had actually given any thought to the situation before him he wouldn't have put himself in the middle of it, but even before hell he made impulsive and rash decisions... so maybe not.

Previous Chapters

• Chapter One •

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter Two: Welcome to the Batcave

Part One

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When they had reached the car Dean made quick work of the door locks and got them both inside before he punched it, only leaving squealing tires and smoke behind them as they took off. Dean didn’t start to relax till they were a mile or so away from the group of demons, still keeping an eye on the mirrors though just in case. “You really pissed someone off," he said with a grin as he glanced over at the other while he drove.

Izzy did manage to force himself to relax once they were in the car, though Dean still happened to look tense with the way he was looking out his mirrors for someone. Honestly, it probably helped the demon to relax with the fact that Izrael couldn't feel Dagon as close anymore. She was either losing interest or losing track of them for now, either way that worked for him. "Huh?" He was honestly confused at first when Dean said that, "Why would you think I pissed some- oh! Because of all that? Right. Yeah. They don't seem to fond of me, do they? I should probably stop crashing into their parties like that." 

Izrael shifted in the seat a little and rolled his eyes when he saw the man look out his mirrors again, "You can stop doing that now. We're fine, mommy lost us," he said with a shrug, leaning back in the seat again, trying to get comfortable. He was ready to get out of the Winchesters car now, and he would really like to do it without having to kill the hunter next to him in order to keep him from following or trying to track him. Even if he didn't have an issue with killing humans, he didn't know which way Dean's soul would go now and having it back in the pit after he killed him could possibly become… problematic. "So uh, yeah, you can just drop me off whenever now and can go get back too… whatever the hell you were doing before joining me at that lovely party tonight. I'm actually supposed to be at a different party right now anyways, so anywhere is good."

Dean snickered when the other said that they had crashed a few parties, it made sense. He did raise an eyebrow when he was told that the horde had backed off of them. Granted he hadn’t noticed any one but still, he never trusted demons to give up. “To be honest, I was out looking for a good time… guess I found it,” he said with a wicked grin, still feeling a bit of an adrenaline high from the fight and sprint to the car. “Rest of my evening is open if you want some back up,” he offered the blond. “Not saying you can’t handle yourself, I saw your moves back there but… twenty to one is a bit much,”  he said while giving him a bit of a doubtful side look. 

This is what Dean thought of as a good time? The human was either suicidal or crazy. Sure, Izzy did have fun doing shit like this too, but he was a demon- he was fucking crazy. "Mmm, yeah… it was a bit much till you showed up. Definitely would have ended up losing this jacket," Izrael laughed a little at Dean and shook his head, "See, I haven't gone and learned my lesson yet it seems since I'm definitely gonna be crashing one of their parties again. Gotta find it first though, and I can't do that in a strangers car."

Dean raised an eyebrow when the blond mentioned that they weren’t done yet and was looking to start a similar party to where he just found them. Ok sure he had been doing stupid stuff since he got back but he had an excuse. He was trying to repress what felt like forty years of Hell - literal Hell. So what was this kid's excuse? She might be crazy, but her crazy was also kinda hot and hunters like this don’t tend to stick in one place long because of the next big hunt. Besides, too often if they stayed in one place for long then all the enemies they made along the way had a tendency to catch up to them. “I can drop you off wherever your next party is so you don’t get jumped on the way again…” Dean trailed off a little as he drove, “could at least tell me your name before you get yourself killed.”

Izrael smiled at the hunter. "Why would I give someone I've never met in this life my name? Doesn't sound too smart. Besides, I don't see you passing over that information either."

Dean grinned. “Sorry, thought you picked it up before things got hairy. Names Dean, Dean Winchester," he said as he held a hand out to shake as he drove, glancing at the blond but mostly keeping his eyes on the road. “You know demons can’t keep their big mouths shut, if your next party is anything like that one, they’re going to be ready for you and you’re going to lose more than your jacket, sweetheart," he said in a matter of fact tone. “Might be a better idea to show up with back up and armed to the teeth,” he offered with a mischievous grin. “Lucky for you I know the perfect place.”

His excuse? His absolute only memories were of hell. Turning into a demon the way he had had wiped out all his human memories and the little demon only knew the last sixty years he had spent in hell training to do just this. He wasn't trying to repress hell, why repress when it was all he knew? He was just doing what Asmodues sent him off to do, and with the youngest prince of hell being the closest person to the blond and having nothing else to really do… he listened. He enjoyed killing other demons, it was a task he found fun. But when your job is to kill any demon that stands against the man you're working for, you don't exactly make any friends. And being alone only gave him more time to hunt down Asmodues's enemies. It was a vicious never ending cycle that wasn't going to change anytime soon as far as Izrael could tell. Hell either hated him, feared him, or admired him from afar - very afar. No one was brave enough to chance getting on Izzy's bad side. And those that were like the hoard tonight that actually tried to kill him were just too stupid to stay away and deserved to die anyways as far as he was concerned. 

Of course he knew who Dean was once he heard his name. But the hunter didn't need to know that Izrael had heard of him. He eyed the other’s hand for a moment before he sighed and half gave in to the man, though didn't reach his own hand out, "Izzy Hilton," he said, using the name that Asmodues had given him for when he had to pretend to be human. Though he had no idea that it actually was his name. That Asmodues called him Izrael to see if any of the once nineteen year old’s memories would spark with little clues like that. It never did. "They're always on the lookout for me… wouldn't be anything new…" he said with a little shrug, getting the gut feeling that this hunter was not about to let him go off on his own anytime soon. The last thing the little demon needed was to do spend time with a fucking Wincester, especially the one that spent all that time in hell. "No offense, but I don't really work with others. Thanks for the help back there and everything, but you're Dean Winchester… so you and I working together is a bad idea. Trust me."

With both hands back on the wheel, Dean snorted when Izzy said that demons watching out was nothing new. He understood that, that's what made the Bunker so beautiful. It was the definition of a safe house for spooky shit and basically everything else. He sucked some air between his teeth when it seemed the other knew who he was by name, having heard some of the stuff hunters thought of him while he was putting in time at the Roadhouse. “Fair, I mean we did just meet and I also just saved your ass from a fucking gaggle of demons, but okay,” he said, half joking. “We don’t know each other, and inviting you to my secret Men of Letters bunker can seem a little Silence of the Lambs but I promise, imma damn puppy dog compared to your normal party guests,” he said,.  Ane yes, he did just name drop the Men of Letters to see if that helped his case. Dean wasn’t a creep and if Izzy wanted out he’d drop them off wherever they wanted but all horn-dog habits aside, he wouldn’t rest well if he did. He’d probably end up asking around and looking into this pretty Izzy Hilton to see what her story was about. “Again, I know bunker can be off putting, but this place is huge, over twenty bedrooms to pick from. It’s armed to the teeth so nothing is getting in. I have one of the few keys to get in but you can get out whenever you like,” he added, trying to seem a little less kidnappy and rapey. “That and there's a hundred year old whiskey collection.”

Izzy had absolutely zero ideas of what other hunters thought of the man he was currently sitting next too. Up until now, he had done a really good job at avoiding them in his travels and work. Sure, to be on the safe side he did do some research on hunters who seemed to be the biggest threats but until now he hadn't actually met any of them. So, right now he couldn't figure out if it was just bad fucking luck that Dean Winchester happened to walk in on his ambush, or some weird good luck to get him out of it unharmed. Even after over fifty years as a demon, almost sixty now maybe? He honestly had never actually hurt a human. So did he deserve this kind of bad luck? On the other hand though, can demons actually have good luck? It was really confusing. 

Fact was, Izzy only knew of Dean Winchester from the mouths of other demons. His research on hunters in general was by word of mouth in hell. It wasn't like there were any books he could read on them. So he knew the man was obviously a good hunter, and not just when it came to demons. He knew the idiot sold his soul to save that dumbass brother of his that was hanging around one of the main demons on his own hit list. It was just really hard to get to the bitch when she was being protected by the hunter drinking demon blood. He only knew that from actually running across her once, he could fucking smell the demon blood radiating from the human she was with and it didn't take long to figure out who that human was and what fucking Ruby was doing with him. Little Sammy Winchester. Lovely. He also knew the man next to him spent what was like forty years in hell, being tortured for most of them by fucking Alastair. It had come as a surprise when he heard that there was some sort of angel watching out for him. Well, the angel part wasn't really known when he figured it out. It was just known that the man was pulled out of hell and Izrael knew that an Angel was the only way the man could have escaped hell and returned to his body the way he had. And really, he would prefer to avoid angels. Most demons weren't really that much of a threat to him. They could likely hurt him but Izzy was not easy to actually kill. Not that they had quite figured that out yet. But he had no idea what an angel might be able to do to him. 

Izrael couldn't remember his own torture. He actually had no idea it even happened. Ever since the day Asmodues found his newly turned demon in that cage he kept his pet in, the youngest prince acted as though that was the first day of Izzy's life. He didn't even know that he was in that cage because of that man in the first place. "I'm not afraid of you, Dean, even though I'm pretty damn sure you're no puppy dog," Izzy told him with a little roll of his eyes, the man who had spent his last few years in hell torturing other souls was far from a puppy. But he had caught Izzy's attention mentioning the Men of Letters. He vaguely remembered Asmodues mentioning them decades ago. Something about them being all dead now… about them holding knowledge no one else had. Going to this bunker… could prove useful if the knowledge thing was true.

Izzy finally looked over at Dean again, tucking hair behind his ears, "Well whiskey is always a very good and tempting offer," he said, chewing on his lip a little as he thought it over. "If you're all armed like you say you are… Do you also have books and shit? Like, books on demons and shit." Izzy knew he had been turned differently than almost every other demon that existed, he had to have been to have his own body and no ability whatsoever to jump from one meatsuit to the next, but he had no idea what happened to make him this way. And no book he had found since being set loose on the world had been able to give him the answer he was looking for. If this bunker had hidden knowledge it might be his best bet to find out how he turned, because Asmodues wasn't telling him anytime soon. "And I really wouldn't have to just stay if I don't want to. I can just walk out? Seriously?"

Dean just grinned when the other said he was pretty sure he wasn’t a puppy, calling him out like that. And he believed them when they said that they weren’t scared of him, he did find her in the middle of a demon infested alleyway in the middle of the night. His grin grew when Izzy seemed to be mulling the thought over. He raised an eyebrow and chanced a longer glance at the other when he was asked about books. That he hadn’t been expecting, didn’t peg her for a book type. There might be something they were looking for specifically that the old bats had locked away. He would definitely be doing an inventory check but hey it sounded like they were coming around to the idea. A new face and alone time might do him some good, even if they don't get handsy and this Izzy turned out to be a gigantic book worm. 

“Like I said you need a magic key to get in but getting out isn’t a problem, locks behind you but I gotta warn you the cell service sucks,” he said with a smile. He altered his route and started out of town and toward the bunker. The long ride was pretty much silent after that, Dean was honestly a bit too nervous to say something and have the blond change her mind about coming. He couldn't help wanting to help her, wanting to figure her out at least a little. From wanting to protect the little thing and knowing that he would just worry about them at this point. “Just don’t take anything, alright? Not really supposed to take people to the BatCave but…” he trailed off with a shrug after he parked by the bunker, obviously making an exception for the blond right now. 

Izzy shrugged when he mentioned cell service, that meant pretty much nothing to him. Of course he knew what a cell phone was, he had been in this world long enough. But he never felt the need to get one. Who the hell was he gonna call? "No big deal, no cell phone. I was serious, I've never worked with someone else before. Never felt the need to get one," he shrugged, as little like it was normal or something to not have a cell this day and age. He honestly didn't actually know either way though. "And I don't plan on taking anything. I've got my own weapons and shit. Just… looking for a little info is all. If you happen to have a book with what I want to know, well, then I won't really need it anymore once I read it." He ignored the Bat Cave comment for the moment, not wanting to let the hunter next to him realize he actually understood the reference. He especially didn't want him to know he found it amusing.

Dean decided to leave Baby in a little hidden knook they made for when they didn’t plan on staying long and putting her in the very nice garage. He just grinned as they walked up to the old green doors after grabbing a bag from the trunk and he pulled it open for the other. Once past the first threshold Dean unlocked the second doors and stepped through, holding it open for the other. “This is the legacy of the Men of Letters, a bit old and dusty but we’re still fixing the place up.” he said as they made their way down the spirling, metal staircase. He walked past the light up map table and tossed his bag on the first long table in the library. “Wanna tour?” he asked as he turned to the other, smiling at them.

He just wanted a fucking book that explained how humans became demons. Without their souls spending hundreds of years tortured in hell. Asmodues had no choice but to tell him that he turned differently than everyone else when he realized he couldn't just jump from meat suit to meat suit like everyone else could. His soul never left his body, something in him changed while he was still a human. But that was all Asmodues would say on the subject. Honestly it was the one thing about the man who called himself Izzy's master that drove him absolutely insane. He didn't care so much about whatever his human life was since he couldn't miss what he didn't remember or had any sort of idea what it might have been like, but he did want to know why he turned into a demon. Was he evil in his previous life? Is that how it worked? He remembered someone once saying that he must have cracked to change the way he did, but cracked from what and how? He just wanted to know how the fuck he came into existence. What made him so different from other demons. Why even Dagon, who knew that Izzy couldn't kill her without that oh so special gun, feared him to some extent. And nothing he had found so far explained any of that shit. Was he a bookworm? Mmm, debatable. Ask any demon who knew him they'd say no,, but Izzy was really good at keeping things about himself pretty damn secret. The less people knew the less they had on you and the safer you were. But the truth was that he did love books, loved to read and learn. And now that he wasn't under Asmodues' thumb at all times and had a mission to carry out, he was able to use research for said mission as an excuse to read. Sure, he was actually doing research but for so much more than anyone actually knew. 

Izzy was a bit unsure following Dean into the bunker when they got there. This could be a really, really stupid idea. But on the other hand… he was going to have info on the Winchester's no one else could possibly dream of having and he might get a few other answers out of this as well so he followed along. He looked around as Dean led him through the place, tilting his head and letting a confused little look cross his face as he tilted his head back to see the ceiling, "Uh, sure, if you want. So, do you keep the bats in some special room or something? I kinda just pictured them all over the place."

Her not havung a phone probably should have set off more red fags then it did because even if you were a loner it was useful to have one since pay phones were all but extinct. He tilted his own head when Izzy had mentioned bats, that had been a reaction he might have expected from Cas but really? “It’s not really a batca-... never mind. This is our fortress,” he said, just trying to get past what he felt was a painful moment. He turned on his heel and held up his arms out on either side as he gestured to the books. “This is the library. Nothing says stuffy bookworms like having a library right at the front door right?” He said with a laugh, turning completely to face the other as he walked around one of the tables. 

If Izrael actually cared much about completely blending in when he was going by Izzy he probably would have gotten a cell phone. But truth be told, he didn't actually care what humans thought about him and despite Asmodues having insisted he play the part on earth he could probably count on one hand how many times he had ever used the name Izzy before. Since he usually avoided hunters he rarely ever felt the need too. So really… What was the point of carrying around a little electronic box used to call people? The only person who would ever actually want to get ahold of him had his own ways of doing so. But even Asmodues left Izzy to himself for the most part nowadays as long as he kept doing what he was told and continued to work his damnedest to keep Lucifer in his box. Though if he had realized how odd it actually was to not have one, he wouldn't have mentioned it. 

Of course it wasn't actually a Bat Cave. It almost annoyed him that the hunter found it so easy to believe that the batman reference really meant nothing to the blond. Sure, part of him was glad too because he didn't want the fact that he enjoyed those comics to be known by anyone, but still… how stupid did this hunter think he really was if he believed that Izzy? He was pretty sure that Batman was popular among humans. It was the Winchester thinking he was dumb that bothered him more than anything though, because that was just not true. Izzy had always been rather smart, even before he turned, he had a near photographic memory. But with all memories of humanity gone, and those memories being from close to sixty years before anyways, all that was left was hell and the supernatural. And he figured that shit out quickly, easily. Humans, not so much. Humanity and what they were like and what they did like were never on his list of things he needed to learn about. Humans weren't his targets. "No offense, but you don't exactly strike me as the bookworm type," he said, moving around the table to go and look at the spines of the books, fingers running lightly over them. Yeah, this would definitely be his best bet at finding answers. Some of these were obviously old as fuck. "The kill first and ask questions later type. Though I suppose since all you hunters go after everything supernatural, you need the lore books, huh?" He personally didn't bother with any other supernatural beings, just the demons on Lucifer and Dagon's side. Which was probably a good thing for them, if this little demon were to ever start working as a real hunter with someone like Dean… they wouldn't stand a chance. As they had proved earlier… the two of them working on the same side had some pretty nasty consequences for those fighting against them. 

Dean chuckled when Izzy said he didn’t seem like the book worm type, oh hell no that was Sammy’s department. “Yeah no, that's more my brother's thing,” he said as he walked over to the opposite wall, towards the small table with a few bottles filled clear, brown liquid and a few glasses. “I at least wait long enough to see what I'm fighting so I know how to kill it.” Dean poured them a few glasses and headed to the closest main table to the blond. He leaned against it on his hip and took a sip from his glass while he held out the other to Izzy. The other’s wording did strike him as odd though and he raised an eyebrow a little. The way he said it was just off, but Dean wanted to think Izzy was just into demons, and therefore could know some pretty useful stuff. That or maybe he was really green and thought of himself being different from regular hunters. His gut was telling him something was still off though, but he wasn’t sure what.

Izzy was glad his back was to the hunter when he mentioned his brother so he didn't see the little demon roll his eyes and scowl at the mention of that junkie who was seriously getting in his way with that bitch he was attached to. He was pretending he didn't really know much about them… which wasn't a complete lie, but he had a serious suspicion he knew something about the younger Winchester that Dean didn't. He might know about the demon bitch Sam hung out with but he highly doubted this man knew about the blood and psychic shit that boy was playing with. The psychic shit was honestly the main reason he hadn't gone after Ruby yet, he wasn't like other demons, he had no idea how Sam's little exercising shit would affect him. 

“You know, you never mentioned what you were looking into. I’m guessing something demon related,” he mentioned to the other. There wasn’t much small talk on the car ride over.

He didn't say anything for a bit while Dean spoke and walked around the room, more interested in looking through the shelves of books for anything that looked promising. But he never let his guard down really, constantly aware of where Dean was around him or how close he was. He stiffened a bit when he felt Dean closer again and he asked that direct question. Izzy didn't really want to answer anything he was asked, but avoiding taking to him too much might just seem more suspicious. Fuck. He really should have paid more attention to the humans around him the last decade, he was really bad at trying to be one. "Yeah, demon related," Izzy finally said as he turned around and saw Dean holding out the whiskey he had promised. Alcohol didn't really affect him as much as it did humans unless he drank an ungodly amount so he wasn't worried about drinking at least. 

He took the glass offered to him and leaned against the bookshelf behind him, shrugging his shoulder a little, "Don't know if you picked up on it during that whole ambush shit, but I kinda hunt demons. Apparently I'm pretty good at it since they don't seem to like me much at all." He took a drink from the whiskey he was given, relishing in the burn that goes down his throat. As a demon, the little blond didn't need to eat. The few times he did were few and far between and it was always for some reason he couldn't figure out, but knew he just wanted whatever the hell it was that he was trying. But he did like to drink. Alcohol that is. He liked the burn. 

"Just curious what kind of people become demons and how. Always good for a guy to know everything he can about his enemies and all, yanno?" It wasn't a lie. He had actually been avoiding actually lying to the hunter. Izzy didn't like to lie, it was too hard to remember the fake information he had given to who. So the only thing he had lied about was his name, but that wasn't that big of a lie as Izzy did sound like a nickname for Izrael. Mostly, he was just leaving out details he didn't think Dean needed to know. Like the fact he was a demon and really just wanted to know how he, himself, had turned. How demons like him were made. Because as far as the books he had found about demons elsewhere knew, Cain was the only other person to become a demon this way. And almost nothing was fucking known about that man. As a matter of fact, he was the one demon who no matter how hard he tried Izzy could not fucking find. Not that he had really looked into how to find him. He didn't want to kill Cain like he did with everyone else he hunted down, he wanted answers. But even so, he knew Cain wasn't exactly like him and probably didn't have the answers he wanted. So that had just been another fucking dead end. The little blond didn't do a whole lot of shit that he actually wanted to do or something anyways, ninety percent of his time was spent following Asmodues' orders to hunt down Dagon's followers and make sure Lucifer didn't get out of that cage. 

Dean nodded a little when the other confirmed that it was demon related, easy guess. “You don’t pick up that kind of attention without being a major pain in their ass,” he said with a snicker. The man's shoulders stiffened when he took another drink when Izzy said what he was looking into. What kind of people become demons. He forced back a smile and shifted a little as he tried to keep his mind focused on the task at hand and not let it run off with the flashbacks and nightmares he has. It felt like every time he blinked he was hit with a flash of something he’d seen or had done. He told everyone he didn't’ remember any of it and refused to talk about it and self medicated with liquor like any good hunter.

Well duh, obviously he was a pain in their asses. Two dozen of them had actually gotten together without someone in power telling them what to do to try and take him out. They failed, miserably thanks to the hunter near him right now, but it didn't negate the fact that Izzy was a huge threat to them and their plans. Really though, if the whole fucking lot of them just fucking stopped trying to set Lucifer free Izzy would have no problem leaving them alone. But until that happened…. He had a job to do. What the hell would he do with himself if Asmodeus actually managed to take the crown and this mission was over? He'd actually never thought about that before. Every single memory he had had something to do with him having to keep Lucifer in the cage. 

“Well demons are mostly twisted and tortured souls. You get twisted up so much down there you turn into something else,” he said, rubbing at his brow as he fidgeted a little as he spoke. “At the end of the day they're a spirit, just nastier. You don’t normally catch one running around before they possess someone but the same tricks apply, salt and iron,” he told him, running off a few things off the top of his head, mostly from first hand experience. “I’m sure you know all about devils traps and all that,” he said, waving his hand and finally looking over at the other. It was probably a good thing Dean had been so caught up with that Izzy was looking into that he completely missed the suspicious pronoun.

Izzy couldn't help but roll his eyes at Dean when the man just told him shit he already knew. Was he actually under the impression that someone he thought was a legit demon hunter didn't know that shit already? Also. He was wrong. While holy water did have the same effect on him that it did to most demons, salt and iron actually didn't bother him for some reason. Every single voice in his head was screaming at him to keep his mouth shut for a while, to not get sucked into this conversation. But the thing was… he actually wanted to talk about this shit. He never talked with anyone about shit he actually wanted too. Demons avoided him unless they were trying to kill him, he avoided humans and hunters, and Asmodues pretty much just told him what to do. The little demon didn't actually have any memories of just talking with someone about something he was interested in. And this happened to be the biggest fucking intrest he really had right now.

"See, right there just proves you really have no fucking clue what you're actually dealing with, do you? Obviously being tortured in hell is going to fuck up any soul in some way, but not every soul in hell becomes a demon. This world would be fucked if they did. There are millions and millions of souls in hell." He only just stopped himself from pointing out that despite Dean's own torture and escapades with Alastair he didn't actually turn into a demon. No, a fucking angel actually came and pulled him from the pit. So what the hell was it that made some souls twist the same way he had even though he hadn't gone through that die and be tortured shit and made others just… well, be tortured for all eternity. Or torture as was the case with some. "Yeah, most of them are just nastier twisted spirits, and you don't normally see one walking around without someone else's meat suit… but they can. It's apparently super fucking rare for it to happen, but a human can just wake up a demon somehow. In their own skin and everything. So I want to know what makes the souls that twist that way different from those that don't. What kind of person they must have been. And what happens to those people who turn? How does that happen? But unfortunately, because it's so fucking rare, I haven't been able to find a single book in the last ten years that actually explains that shit." He sighed a little in frustration at the thought before just shaking his head and finishing the rest of his own drink before he turned his back to Dean again to start looking through the books again, waving his own hand in dismissal of the subject. Dean wasn't going to have the answers he wanted obviously. "But yes, of course I know all about devils traps. I just don't use them." He couldn't if he wanted too, not unless he wanted to get stuck inside one himself. Besides, even if he could… with the way he hunted, it would be pretty damn useless and time consuming to try since it was usually a sneak attack/ambush of his own on their own grounds. Wasting time with a devils trap when it was just so much easier to kill them just seemed stupid. "Do you have any sort of order with these books or am I gonna have to look through all of them to find the ones about demons?"

Dean was a little taken back when Izzy said that he had no clue about demons. He felt anger rise up in his belly and his face tightened some. His pride didn’t like that but the built up emotion subsided the more Izzy spoke. He did have a point, if that’s all it took then Hell would be nothing but demons. He never really focused on the fine details, he just killed them. His face became a mix of surprises and doubt when Izzy kept going and told him about the type of demons that keep their bodies. What the hell? He’d never heard of something like that before, what the hell could it be capable of? It was a worrying thought. “This keeps getting better and better,” Dean muttered under his breath. He couldn't stop his brain from thinking about his younger brother on his road trip with his little demon buddy. What if that was Ruby's plan, twist his brother into one of them? He’d fucking gank that bitch before she could try. He wanted to call and check up but that hadn’t gone so well last time. 

He made a small face when Izzy asked about an order to the crazy amount of information. He finished his half glass of whiskey and pushed off of the table, setting the glass down before walking away. “I have a feeling what we’re looking for isn’t in here, come on,” He said, motioning the other to follow him with a head nod. He led the blond down the hall a bit, through another doorway and down some stairs. He pushed one of the two heavy doors open and held it open for the other hunter. “When we started going through the stuff that was left here we found that most of the heavy reading books are in here,” He told him. The room was about 25 by 25 feet, metal shelving lined all the walls filled with books and some jars. There was a decent sized table in the middle of the room under the only light, taking up a good chunk of the free space. 

Dean just nearly kidnapped the little blond he helped out that he knew nothing about other than the fact he could kill demons pretty damn well and brought him to his secret bunker and he thought anything that came out of this idea wouldn't be completely fucked? Hell. He was pretty damn sure that Dean didn't even realize yet that he hadn't stepped in to help a pretty little girl, but actually a boy who just happened to look a lot like one. Add on to that fact that this boy was also one of those freaky ass demons he was just talking about and you could see clearly that this man definitely hadn't thought this through. "You have no idea," Izzy mumbled back, not sure or honestly even caring if Dean heard him. 

Izzy set down the glass still in his hand before he shrugged again and followed Dean through the bunker. Fuck. This place really was huge. Izzy couldn't help but grin a little when he looked into the room. Dark. Enclosed. No way for anyone to try and sneak up on him again. Exactly the kind of rooms he liked and usually worked in when he was looking for a party to crash. "Awesome," he said as he walked in the room. Creepy jars and big old books lining the walls on top of everything else, Izzy had instantly and probably noticeably relaxed more when he was in the room that was so much like a place he would actually want to be in. He didn't say anything else as he started scanning the books on one of the shelves, his eyes widening some when he saw what he instantly felt like he had been looking for for years now. It was smaller than any of the other books in here, but that wasn't surprising considering how little information there probably was at all on demons like him. Humans Turning Demon. 

Izzy grabbed the book off the shelf and took a few steps backwards to push himself up to sit on the table, just remembering that Dean was there as he went to open the book. "Uhm… thanks," he said, forcing himself to remember that he was supposed to be a human and actually used to having someone around and even weirder for him- that someone helping him. "Hey… uh, why are you being so like… nice and normal to me? As far as I've seen, people aren't just nice to strangers. Especially when said stranger is a pretty boy who can shove a knife into a human skull."

Dean noticed the small change in the others' demeanor when he showed them the room. The room didn’t bother him or his brother too much but ‘awesome’ wasn’t the normal reaction to this stuff. Though in this line of work, who’s really normal? You see a lot of weird and horrible shit fast and you pick up a few quirks along the way. He had half turned when  the other called out to him and thanked him, he was going to leave Izzy alone to do their digging. He raised an eyebrow when he was asked why he was being so helpful. He opened his mouth with a grin to say it was just the right thing to do for a lady when Izzy said that last part, his words luckily getting caught up in his throat. BOY!? WHOLY FUCK!! Dean’s back straightened as he looked the other over again. It took him a second or two to catch himself and he cleared his throat out a little. “Well you want demons dead and I want demons dead,” he said with a shrug, his brain still trying to absorb this enlightening new detail about the blond. “And I learned about a new fleshy kind of demon, win win,” Dean chuckled. Hell all of Dean seemed stiff. Right now, he honestly didn’t know what the fuck to do.

[threadsketchier]

Hey, so... I haven't seen you on my dash in like a week and I was just hoping that you're all right and that your family's all right. I know that sometimes absence is just absence, for whatever reason, but also there's a pandemic going on right now and I'm just hoping you're okay.

this has basically been me the past week and a half:

Mom’s health is already shit on a regular basis - she’s severely diabetic and has IBS so our lives revolve around toilet paper even when there’s no pandemic going on - so I’ve been a stressed coked-up ferret trying to obtain everything we need online/mail-order only.  It’s expensive and highly frustrating.  I’ve committed to self-isolation with her indefinitely, at least for the next several months, but we live in an apartment building, not a house.  Going out into the hallways to throw trash and get mail feels nerve-wracking, because no one else is self-isolating and several caregivers come visit tenants on a daily basis.  I don’t have a lot of alcohol left right now and I’m disinfecting every single item I receive in packages, and I’ve reserved one pair of sneakers for venturing out the door.  (Bleach isn’t something we can use a lot in here because it can cause a lot of damage and we don’t own this place; Mom primarily uses it in the bathroom and kitchen sink.  I can’t risk accidentally bleaching the walls and stuff as I’m spraying things down, plus we don’t have ventilation right now with our windows shut for winter, and, y’know, bleach is also hard to come by at the moment.  So is Lysol.)  I was born a hermit and I’m in a committed relationship with my couch and laptop, so the staying home part is no problem.  It’s more the feeling that we’re in a prison because we don’t own our own private home.

((I have a UV-C germicidal lamp coming eventually so I can stop worrying so much about running out of alcohol.  It can’t get here fast enough.))  

On top of all this, Mom’s developed migraines out of nowhere; she had to wake me up at 3:40 in the morning a few days back to help her get a bag over a wastebasket because she had to vomit (repeatedly) from the pain.  She’s barely been eating and drinking because of intermittent nausea and her IBS flaring up even more than usual - just a glass of water can trigger it.  She’s been having only one meal a day for now.  Her birthday’s tomorrow, she’s turning 60 - she sure as hell won’t be enjoying it.

I...haven’t really had the headspace for much fandom.  I generally spend most days now on pins and needles waiting for boxes (because while UPS knows how to get in, FedEx is a bit more unpredictable), or feeling antsy and compelled to keep looking for supplies online.  I kind of don’t want to completely distract myself from the brainworms, like...this frivolous stuff doesn’t matter to me right now?  Everything is much more of a chore, and a rather fearsome chore at that.

I don’t want to get this shit either.  I’ll be 35 in a couple of weeks but I have never done well with respiratory infections; my childhood was a constant parade of pneumonia, bronchitis, and sinus infections.  And even if I survived it, I’ll be fucking bankrupt from the medical bills.

[killbaned]

also it just sucks because PovertyTraumaTM got me sitting here wondering what i've done wrong that made my savings go so fast, without really understanding and considering i had a bunch of unplanned shit that keeps throwing off my fucking budget.

rufus got another UTI and i had to spend about $300 on his vet bills and meds for it, my doctors office being FUCKING INCOMPETENT AS SHIT meant that instead of getting the last of my meds on my insurance i had to go elsewhere and pay oop, so instead of spending $25 i had to spend $98.

my electric bill ended up being almost $200 because august is ALWAYS my most expensive month bc florida and summer and humidity and fucking hot as shit and i refuse to sit around in my own house in my underwear yet still sweaty, i simply will not

i had to drop $70 because the tower fan i use to keep my room bearable without cranking my electric bill up even more fucking broke and there's no way i could go without it.

so there's almost $700 right there. if i add in the rest of the monthly bills, not including the gas i haven't bought yet, it's probably about $1250 all total just for september.

so like lmao yeaaaaaah when you got less than 3k in savings to start with and you're ripping that much out bc you gotta do what u gotta do then no shit.

i just wish i could stop fucking feeling like it's something i did wrong. i'm like, "damn maybe that $10 i spent to brew coffee at home wasn't a good idea" or "i shouldn't have picked now to spend money on those shirts" and it's like stupid!

at this point, less than $80 spent on myself for a few fandom shirts and Immense Amounts Of Coffee is not, actually, the reason why i had to spend money on unexpected bills.

me trying to treat myself to the most basic of things during a SUPER FUCKED UP TIME has nothing to do with the fact my job hunting got delayed because of our shitty healthcare system saddling me with mom and saying 'figure it out but keep in mind we can and will come after you for neglect if we think it's happening' like

i don't know!!!

[robo-cryptid]

Hello! Do you have any tips for getting motivation back? I feel like I haven't written anything in months and my mentality at this point is like "why start something if you're not even gonna finish it?" You're writing is inspiring so I thought I'd pop by and ask :)

Oh gossshhhhh. First, thank you. Second, you asked at QUITE A TIME, anon. I’ve been struggling with motivation myself (combo of work/school stress and family stuff stress makes me want to… not take seriously projects that I would like to take seriously). But, you know, there are a few things to try! Included here are my usual caveats that not everything works for everybody, so these are just things that do it for me when I need it:

1. I make to-do lists. For fun/hobbies, these are not “you must be productive no matter what!!!” to-do lists. They’re more like… wishlists of things I’m thinking about writing. Sometimes this is enough to make me pick one and work on it.

2. I talk to other people about my ideas. That can help me get excited about an idea and get the creative juices flowing, or it can sort of… offload it in a way that tells me maybe I don’t actually feel like writing more than the idea at all. As long as you’re okay accepting either result, it works. I also follow people who post tons of ideas, presumably doing the same thing or something similar, so there are always things floating around for me to think about.

3. I write only the scene(s) I feel like writing right then. So if you’re thinking about a story but you don’t feel like writing the beginning, don’t. Lol. Write the scene that made you think about it in the first place, then work backwards, or forwards, or write a bunch of disjointed scenes until you have the energy to try to connect them. (Both TSatS and NTIC started this way, and I’m still sitting on scenes from TSatS that I wrote like. Weeks ago.)

4. Drabble or do some other very low-commitment writing. Whether it’s going in knowing you loosely want to write a whole short fic in one sitting, or you want to set yourself a hard word limit of 200 or 350 or 500 words, or hard time limit of 1 hour and tell a whole story there, it’s fine. (I usually pick the first “make it complete” version, but I type hella fast, and I know some people who like more quantifiable things.) Either way, being able to sit and write a complete story in one sitting definitely gives me that “I did a thing!” feeling that can kickstart more writing. The trick here is the “low-commitment” part, though. Don’t spend hours and hours on it, and don’t spend a ton of time editing either. Get it out, make sure it’s coherent and not totally riddled in typos, and post it somewhere. Call it done, even if it’s not (in fact, if it’s not done enough for you, maybe there’s your motivation).

5. Nuclear option: get out a timer (ideally something like a Pomodoro timer, but any timer will do) and give yourself, say, 20 minutes. Tell yourself you are Going To Write, Damn It. Then write and don’t stop until the timer lets you. Don’t edit. Don’t pause. Just expel all your bullshit. What you write matters less; you’re totally allowed to type “fuck this fuck this fuck this” over and over. Sometimes, you have a page full of “fuck this,” and that’s okay. But sometimes you have a page half full of “fuck this” and the beginnings of something else there. And maybe you’ll feel accomplished because you did twenty whole minutes of writing! Or maybe you’ll actually want to continue, and what? You have an idea now? And some words on a page?

6. This kind of goes back to the “low commitment” writing, but I think worrying about whether or not you’ll finish it is sometimes the art-killer. You don’t have to finish it. In most fandom contexts, you do not have deadlines and are not getting paid (there are people who do and their commitments are gonna be a little different, but still, the stakes are not often “lose your job” stakes). You’re allowed to forgive yourself for fudging self-imposed deadlines on hobbies. I think everybody should try to finish stuff, because being done with something you worked hard to create can be a really deeply fulfilling thing, and one that like, honestly, lots of us don’t get in our more mundane jobs. But you don’t have to, and if worrying about that is stopping you, remind yourself of that. You don’t owe anybody your writing, in the end! (Unless telling yourself you absolutely owe them is the thing that motivates you, in which case, ignore Point 6 entirely, you now owe me some writing, anon.)