#if im right about this diagnosis im gonna make a whole fucking post and probably a medium article so that people have something to go off of

[thenarrativefoil]

the sweet relief of a probable diagnosis and a specialist’s appointment next week

[smallcrystals]

Can you explain your reasoning behind the Eqg villain ranking ?

this is so fucking late i’m so sorry

but AAAAA i was wondering if someone would ask!!

this shit got quiiiite long so

i'll start from bottom up! my original rankings were:

1. the dazzlings

2. gloriosa daisy

3. principal cinch

4. juniper montage

5. vignette valencia

6. wallflower blush

if 2019-sunset was included, she'd be no1. if eqg1-sunset was included, she'd be no4.

my reasons for this ranking is very similar to maggie's! honestly i do agree with a lot of her points, i just wanted to add a few bits personally.

6. wallflower blush

i do recommend this other post abt her bc it does delve into her motivation and i 100% agree with everything there. i did just want to give a perspective of someone who is like wallflower personality wise but found her incredibly flawed.

even without a diagnosis (bc im in a situation where i Can't) i would say i have social anxiety and probably regular anxiety too. there is no way i would act the way i do if i didn't. anxiety is a fucking pain in the ass to deal with and it really takes a hit at my mental health when i want to do stuff but this little shit prevents me from doing so.

one of those things is making friends. i'm blessed to have the friends i have now and i love each and every one of them with my whole heart /p. but i had to make them myself, i had to put in the effort to talk to them even if i felt like they didn't want to (they did want to! my brain is just evil).

i've had so many awkward introductions/interactions in the past that i wish i could erase, including ones i've had with my current friends! but i can't erase for obvious reasons.

wallflower did that to herself and ended up putting the blame onto sunset. why wasn't anyone remembering her? i don't know, maybe bc she took away their memory of first meeting her?? putting the blame onto someone that did nothing wrong wasn't right and sunset ended up learning a lesson that she didn't even need to know!

“sometimes you have to be nice”, that would apply if sunset was mean to wallflower but she wasn't! she just didn't remember her because wallflower erased her memories.

but i'm not gonna lie, this did help me realise stuff about myself. i have to make an effort to make friends, i can't just expect everything to fall into place without doing anything.

dealing with social anxiety is so fucking hard and i get why wallflower went to the extreme of erasing embarrassing memories when the opportunity was presented to her, your anxiety-driven brain is a piece of shit. but that still doesn't make it right to put the blame and rage at someone who did nothing wrong.

5. vignette valencia

this bitch. was very annoying but i do have a soft spot for her. i haven't rewatched rollercoaster of friendship in a hot minute but she was just an asshole and that was fun to watch, actually. a Fool and idk she really just didn't care for anybody other than herself which was refreshing to see in an antagonist. and fun

she's also really pretty. like. this is kinda unfair. she seems like a too pretty but an asshole het /hj

also completely random but i have no idea how old vignette is supposed to be. i would say she's probably 18 or maybe 19 if we are really stretching it. but yeah

4. juniper montage

unlike wallflower, she definitely had a more of a reason to be mad at the mane 7. her reasons were understandable! she wasn’t the best villain and ngl, she’s kinda forgettable but she’s one of those villains that you’re like “oh YEAHHH i remember them!!”

i liked how layered her motive was, even if it might have been a little cheesy. she wanted to become an actress in her uncle’s movie so people would like her. one thing led to another and then mirror magic happened. like maggie, i definitely found her attitude to be entertaining lmao.

the thing is, i would say juniper is more of an antagonist than a villain. villains are more like, number 3 and 5. 4 and 6 are antagonists, they are not evil/morally incorrect per se but they do go to the extremes to get what they want. vignette wasn’t really a strong villain and wallflower wasn’t really a strong antagonist. juniper is a better example of the latter (to some extent, i can’t give her SO much credit).

3. principal cinch

oh jesus christ where do i start. i swear they wrote her just for us to hate her bc there really is not one thing i could like abt her, she’s such a dickhead and i love it. the way she takes advantage of sci twi’s goals and blackmails her to get her to do what she wants, like, a perfect villain. she saw this smart student and knew they could need her for the friendship games, so up she went, said “hey you want your everton application?? join the fucking games” and even used her brother against her like DAMN

she’s unlikable but manipulative and the thing is, she’s allowed to be unlikable because she’s the fucking principal of a (private) school! what were these students gonna do, tell another adult that has nowhere near as much power as cinch? cadence works for cinch too so like i doubt she could do anything. 

she’s also. so stupid. using magic for the games when you know nothing about it, great plan but maybe bitch should’ve thought that one out?? also saying she’ll take it up with the school board?? WHO’S GONNA BELIEVE YOU LOL

plus she gives me homophobic vibes. the “fuck, there are lgbt everywhere, i can’t escape” vibes. good villain trope /hj

2. gloriosa daisy

man, when i tell you i love her so so SO much.

she’s the one that wanted to do right but went about it the wrong way. there’s a lot about her character that i think people overlook. she lost her parents, working and keeping her childhood camp alive BY HERSELF with no help other than her 16 year old brother who IS A TEENAGER, she’s financially unstable and stressed. of course she was going to resort to magic by the time she cracked.

she thought she was helping herself, her brother, her camp but she was just making things worse. time was running out, she was behind on her payments, she was stressed. she impulsively decided to just lock the camp away so she could keep her only source of income, her home safe.

yeah, that doesn’t excuse her actions and how she ended up adding to the trauma of the students (as well as essentially gave timber trauma to) but how can anyone say she wasn’t justified.

she tries to make this week the best week ever for the students, even if her chirpy attitude may annoy the students lmao. all those times before when she tried to use magic, it was all to help the students. it just didn’t go so well. pushing muffins and sandalwood’s boat, filling the river so people could go fishing. she tried to make sure her little brother wasn’t stressing out over the financial issues too by keeping him out of it.

i know i put an emphasis onto the fact timber is a teenager but teens shouldn’t be dealing with this kind of stress. he’s already got a lot on his plate (grief, possible loneliness, and while yeah, it would be nice to share the struggle out to make it easier to handle, he’s too young.

idk i just. i can really understand her so much. she means a lot to me, mainly for personal reasons but yeah.

1. the dazzlings

do i even need to explain this one? maggie’s got all my points down already and she’s more of the dazzlings stan haha. they did everything right in the villain department, every single thing right. and their songs slap! i would let them take over the human world, of course!

they didn’t change that much after rainbow rocks and that’s a really nice change of pace. sure, they’re less evil but they’re still snarky little shits!!! so fucking entertaining.

i understand why they’ve got such a large amount of fans despite their screentime, they deserve it in my opinion.

sunset shimmer

she’s the main character and honestly? her journey is amazing. i think, personally, that’s what makes her villain arc in eqg1 so much better. she had repercussions, people disliked her, she hurt so many. if i could, there are a lot of stuff i would have added to polish off her arc throughout the series but it’s good the way it is! i don’t really need to say much. sunset was a villain at some point but she isn’t anymore and hasn’t been for a while so i didn’t think i should include her here.

but 2019 sunset would be top 1. because of all this development, we could see and fill in bits eqg1 didn’t show us. it was a lot easier, for me at least, to piece together what she was like based off how she is now. she’s changed. and if she’s changed, that means she was a specific type of way before. if she’s now honest with her feelings, she lied a lot before. her apology to celestia, how she was so scared of meeting her again, that shows she must’ve fucked up badly with her, even if we never see it on screen.

and the thing is, even if she’s changed, there are bits of her “old self” remaining. i don’t really consider those her “old self”, more so her flaws that overtook her positive traits when she was in pursuit for power.

eqg1 sunset, on her own, is an interesting villain but can appear flat to many people without this development. she’s manipulative, cunning, so entertaining but in my opinion, everything up ‘til where the show ended made her better and made her villain arc work better.

again, maggie’s the sunset shimmer stan, i agree with all of her points there. i don’t wanna end up repeating what she said so i do recommend looking at her post abt the eqg villains!

and ! that’s it!! sorry this was a bitch to read and it took so long but i hope you enjoyed at least!!

[whatthefuuuuuuccckkkk]

okay this is my last post I know I'm being very annoying and I hate to clog the tag but I just have to scream into the void for a while if you disagree or you're annoyed with me please just scroll past this rant thank you

- the hitman plot. god. we all hate that shit. what I realllllly hate is how long and drawn out it is. should've been one episode tops, like when dean tried it. I want to say, that obviously it's not gonna work bcz it would be stupid to kill off the character carrying the entire show, but at this point maybe they are gonna kill him off??? idfk. maybe it's a punishment for all the people (everyone) who like him. truthfully the whole "murder is our only way out of this" attitude is disappointing and seemingly out of character for all of the girls. Boomer attacked annie and they let him fuckin live. They knew he was a fuckin rapist piece of shit, and a regular piece of shit too, but couldn't kill someone. But apparently killing someone beth, at one point, felt some typa way about...smh..apparently that is A ok and they don't even explore other options or feel the least bit guilty?? even when they "mourned" boomer it was more about marion than him. But rio and his whole ass innocent child are not a thought at all??? Wild. Truly. Also....what do they think will happen?? If I were a gang leader's right hand the first person I would check upon seeing my boss get murdered would probably be the person who tried to murder him last time lmao. Do they really think they would get away with it? Even if they didnt get caught, they wouldnt be off the hook. Surely mick would just keep things going, with even less leeway. And what happens when their illegal activities bite them in the ass when Rio is gone? Who are they gonna blame everything on? Who is gonna clean up their mess? No one. And this whole "I'm not doing it, wait yes I am, wait no I'm not, wait I'm gonna do it" thing the hitman is doing is...not it. I'm assuming were gonna get an explanation about how he knew that this was a crime of passion (lol)

-beth beth beth......you know there is a theory floating around that she has serious ptsd and I actually would love to see that explored but that shit ain't happening lol. I'm tired of feeling like I'm analyzing her character. At what point is it too much. She's hard to read but I think it has crossed the line over complex and ventured into poor characterization. She's gotten chances and chances and I'm tired. And dean. God I'm tired. I feel like all season I've been watching beth do the same thing, play good wifey, risk her (and Annie's and Ruby's) life by doing stupid shit..and that's basically it. Face some fckn consequences for your actions please. Take some responsibility. I feel like the show is showing us inklings of...something...bubbling underneath the surface but it's not our job to fill in the blanks or interpret shit. I do not work for nbc. I'm not getting paid for this. What is this girl thinking trying to get rio to invest in hot tubs (bless her calling dean an idiot. fuck this show for making him suddenly a good salesman) while trying to kill him. Does she think he dies and suddenly she owns it?? Makes zero sense. Also unpopular opinion i dont like that she caused a scene with the pool ball. Like....of course he isnt listening to you....you shot him...3 times....then stole from him....and have been screwing him over repeatedly.

-dean just....no. I understand that beth has so much going on in her life right now that divorce isn't exactly on her mind and dean is the last trace she has left of a normal life so shes holding onto it for dear life.....actually no. I do not know if any of that is actually true or if I'm just interpreting wrong. Because the subtext and editing and parallels and all that would be fine and dandy but not when that's all the show is at this point. If dean cheating yet again is not gonna make beth leave him, nothing will. I want his screentime to be 30 seconds and nothing more.

-im just not invested in the boland children. Annie and ruby have both struggled real bad, but beth, the one in the deepest, has 4 children who are somehow unaffected by this?? Not to mention the whole divorce, wait never mind, oh look a gang leader hanging out with mommy again, oh look our house is empty, type stuff happening. Beth's kids should be going through it but for some reason they arent? Maybe it's because child labor laws or something lol.

- rio. At this point I'm rooting for him for than anything. But I genuinely do not know why he hasnt killed beth. She's proven herself to be more of a liability than an asset and I just cannot understand why he hasnt killed her. Unless it's the whole "feelings" route, which wouldve made him look dumb, but made sense based on what we were given. This is actually the direction I thought the season was going but now it just seems like he is a bad businessman lol. Obviously she cant die for the sake of the show, but its like they didnt even try to make it make sense. He definitely knows about the hitman btw. I dont really blame him for anything he's done with beth so far. He robbed her in retaliation. He had to cut her off when she started acting shady. 🤷‍♀️ he let's her get away with too much tbh. It's a shame that this character isnt being utilized. Its like they are banking on this mysterious aura to keep working, but we are 3 seasons in and it's a little old now. I personally think that they just don't know what to do with him now. Also can I point out how dumb he looks showing beth that he is doing business at the carwash, why would he give her more information than she needs when he is suspicious of her? I cant tell if I was happy with how unphased he looked about her outburst or if I wish he checked her.

-mick. Did his side plot with beth die? How does it seem like this show simultaneously moves through plots every episode but is also stuck in the same one for the entire season? I also think mick is not being utilized. As funny as it is for him to be a built in 3rd wheel all the time, they could do so much more. Like can you imagine if beth mouthed off or fucked up and mick checked her? The possible ways a plot like that could go...untapped potential.

-ruby. Ah...I remember when I thought her and stan's fight was dragging for too long. Miss those days. See even tho ruby and stan seem to have the same issue over and over it's not the same story. Pen cap, new job, sarah stealing, all the same fight, but with different stories. And it really seems like Ruby's always going through it but I appreciate the variety. Stan's storyline has been interesting but I dont know how much it relates to the central plot. Sarah....great. that actress is so talented and even tho shes an attitude machine (what preteen is not) i just love her scenes. Harry seems to be missing a lot. The hills are the only part I seem to enjoy anymore. Really wish the show would explore why ruby seems to be the one who keeps getting caught up with the law...I wonder what it could be....what is different about her..hm...

- annie. Backtracked so much. Wish she had a single plot that didnt revolve around men. Now shes trying to cheat on her GED. Where's the snark? Where's the wit? It seems like all she is now is a codependent insecure mess. And I'm tired of this fuckass therapist. I thought her study montage was gonna end in a "she didnt need anyone but family (:" lesson but it did not for whatever reason. I thought by bringing a therapist into the show it was gonna give us more of a look at Annie's and Beth's upbringing and relationship. Or help annie work through her issues, the boomer thing too. Or maybe lead to Beth's ptsd diagnosis. Therapy could've helped move the plot forward or help the characters grow, but it's doing the opposite of that. If its not contributing to the main plot, what is its purpose? To give annie yet another terrible love interest?

To summarize....I hate it here.

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent / personal / tmi / menstruation / endometriosis / long post ... Im so fucking sick of healthcare professionals telling me to just wait it out and pushing my problems onto other doctors I just got my 5th shot of lupron and have 1 more next month. On my appointment last week i told the gyn how ive been having much more cramping and tissue but not blood coming out regularly and he said its possible the combined lupron and norethindrone are making my uterine lining too thin, and to stop the norethindrone (it was being prescribed to help any menopause-like side effects the lupron can have) And less than 24 hours after my first missed dose i get a full blown period complete with extreme mood swings and depression Im not bleeding this week but im still cramping and the mood swings are so fucking bad, being chronically ill and not getting enough relief from any of my medications is making all of this worse but im literally breaking down over any little thing The lupron and norethindrone combined i guess have been suppressing all my emotions bc this is what it was like on the daily before i started it (just not as bad) which is telling me that none of my psych meds are working but whatever I just now got off the phone with my psych and he said he doesnt want to do anything with my meds or dosing bc he says its related to hormones and thats what my gyn needs to address and i Need To Wait im fucking sick of waiting i cant do this ive been waiting since last august!!!!!!! I now have to wait 2 more whole months of mood swings until i can have another appointment with him hes refused to actually screen me for adhd too and says its bc im An Artist type that im not able to sit down and draw anything since last fall like i fucking hate him and he never gets my name or pronouns right and i cant go see a new psych bc of all the closures and i dont wanna call my gyn bc he said if things get worse i need to have a pelvic ultrasound done again and i cant do it!!! I fucking cant do it it hurts too much im too traumatized from depoprovera and mirena that i cant even touch myself without extreme dysphoria and fear that im going to cramp Its killing me that as someone who was so personally sexual to completely be traumatized from the road to an endometriosis diagnosis that i can no longer masturbate or even talk about sex without anxiety and being trans on top of it hurts even more Next gyn appt is my last injection of lupron and im really gonna push to plan for a partial hysterectomy (i only had endo cysts on the back of my uterus but it was 100% confirmed with surgery and biopsy) so i hope it will help so i can stop taking all these fucking hormonal medications like Before being diagnosed i was really planning on going on testosterone but now im too scared because i feel like it would really fuck up my health problems more - mentally and physically Ive given up on passing and am trying to focus on body acceptance especially now that ove had rapid weight gain that isnt being addressed by any of ky doctors i bring it up to God im just trying to vent here but seriously Do not take the diagnosis of endometriosis lightly its super serious to go forth with any treatments and you really have to commit to long term treatments and its a gamble either way For me not starting any treatments was unacceptable i needed help with extreme monthly periods and all forms of birth control ive tried exacerbated symptoms and never stopped bleeding - i literally cannot personally recommend any form of medical birth control bc every one has fucked me over, many different pills at different points in my life, shot (depoprovera gave me debilitating cramps and i bled non stop all 3 months which started this whole journey to diagnosis), iud (iud was the worst i had to go to the er bc the gyn refused to give me pain meds and i was screaming in pain a few hours later unBle to move or think - i really cannot stress enough how painful and long insertion is like it was the longest 5-10 minutes of my life crying while it felt like a knife going through me) I really dont want that ultrasound tho ffs i had to get the first one done while i was in full force cramps during my depoprovera shot and the pelvic ultrasound rod is humongous and they dig it around inside you (i already had a painful and hard time trying to have pleasurable penetration even by myself or with partners) and it takes like 40 minutes of jumbling around your insides for them to document every thing like at least at that time i was only like 2 months from my last time jerking off but now its been almost 6 months of me not even thinking about putting more than one finger in to clean myself in the shower like to go right into an huge ultrasound is going to be so painful and anxiety inducing and i cant do it id rather go straight into surgery My biggest phobias have to do with pain around this part of my anatomy i cannot stress enough how long ive wanted a hysterectomy just so i dont have to fear accidentally getting p r e g... like i would literally kms... i would probably be able to handle the pain of cutting off my arm with a rusty knife better than extreme cramping pain like i had with the iud or ultrasound its such a phobia and now its source of trauma for me from everything ive gone through the last 6 months Having to readjust my life goals from doing p o r n as a hobby and wanting to transition and be who i am, to becoming a vegetable and trying to cope with the fact that i cant ever transition how i hoped Everything just really sucks for me right now and i have literally no social life any more, not even online bc im so stressed about my health and my attention is so bad i cant focus on a convo online, my laptop is about at its grave so all i have is a phone and xbox with bare minimum internet speed.. i live in the middle of nowhere and cant get my license bc the person who was guiding me to drive is an essential worker in a hospital so i cant go in their car any more... im just so fucking alone i cant do anything except break my back gardening and then cry about it later bc my fucking meds dont fucking work!!!!!!!!! Oh thats another thing im also dealing with fucking gerd on top of all this and i cant get the proceedure i need done to confirm if i need surgery or not bc the fucking lockdown!!!! So im stuck taking pantoprazole (been trying similar meds since march 2019 and its currently june 2020!!!!!!) I just want to eat tomatoes and chocolate again it fucking kills me if i dont take pantoprazole i will lose my voice and have such a sore throat and ears from the stomach acid and i know im gonna have to stop it for 2 weeks for one of the tests i need done and its going to be literal hell like it feels worse than strep throat ill probably do the thing where i start choking and coughing at night bc it gets so bad Im a fucking mess like why couldnt all of this happen one at a time I really want to get my belly pierced again bc i feel so naked without it but i cant bc i probably will be having 2 surgeries once covid blows over (if it ever does) Sorry for taking up so much dash space im just really hurting and need some outlet bc therapy isnt helping rn

[ladyofpurple]

here it is: the post Literally no one was waiting for. i'd put it under a read more thing but i'm on mobile and can't be assed to get out of bed so fuck it. we air our dirty laundry on main for the world to see like men.

so waaay back in february or something, i started seeing a psychologist again. i'd been seeing a psychologist for a while last year, but she had a private practice and got too expensive over time, so i had to stop. now, however, i finally got a referral to the public mental health offices in my county. which is nice, because norway has this neat thing that means when you go to the doctor, public health care facilities, refill prescriptions for medications you have to take daily, etc, the money you spend on those things gets recorded and after you've spent like $260, you get a free card that gets logged into your medical records and you don't have to pay for any of those things for the rest of the year.

anyway, i mentioned a couple of years back that i finally got put on antidepressants for the first time. they helped a lot, but then i just... stopped taking them. there wasn't a reason, really. i just forgot to take them one week when i was stuck in bed with a headcold, and then it was hard to get back in the habit again. i tried to get back on them off and on for a long time, but i'd inevitably just forget again. until, like, i wanna say november/early december last year? i started taking them again. there were still some slip-ups every now and then, but for the most part i took them almost every day. any gaps were no longer than two, maybe three days at the most, and those gaps were maybe once a month or so on average. averages aren't really useful in this context, but i hope you get the idea.

anyway, i finally convinced my doctor that, no, seriously, i really need to see a psychologist, i've always needed to see psychologists my whole life, seeing psychologists help me, i can't afford a private psychologist so i need a public one, and after a lot of begging and insisting on my end and a lot of hemming and hawing on her end she finally agreed to refer me. except she forgot to actually send the email she'd been typing in front of me, and then she quit, so there was a lot of confusion and time spent sorting things out until i got my first appointment.

i didn't like my psychologist at first. she was way older than i'm usually comfortable with (that's a personal me-problem that i know is irrational, and i'm not gonna go into the why but yes i'm working on it), and very blunt in an exasperated sort of way. she made me angry sometimes. she made me feel like i wasn't trying hard enough. but she helped me get shit done, so i guess she was doing something right.

in june she called in a psychiatrist to help adjust my medications, so i started taking zoloft in addition to the other medication (remeron, aka mirtazapine) that i was already taking. the mirtazapine was helping with my depression, but my anxiety was still pretty bad. the zoloft helped.

by my second appointment with my psychologist, she asked me whether i could have adhd, or if there was a history of it in my family. now, i have a lot of family with adhd (how closely related we are by blood is a bit of a mystery to me, my family tree is more like an overgrown hedge and who knows who fits where), and my grandma used to joke that the women in our family "all have a little bit of that adhd brain in us", but as far as i knew, nobody in my immediate, direct bloodline had such a diagnosis. i had my suspicions about myself, of course — i knew that not every focus or attention related problem necessarily has a specific attention disorder source, but i also knew that what i was experiencing couldn't be "normal," in the sense that if i walked into a room with 100 people in it, 86 of those people wouldn't necessarily look at a list of my symptoms and go "oh same hat." i've had add on my about me for a while now. maybe that was silly of me; i hadn't been diagnosed with it, and what i knew about the specifics of it were picked up piecemeal off the internet. you know, that super-reliable place where everyone is honest and factual all the time?

anyway, this began the process of investigating the merits of such a potential diagnosis. research was begun. questionnaires were taken. my mom was invited to one of my sessions, in which she revealed that, oh yeah, bee tee dubs, she's always suspected i have adhd. did she mention that she has also apparently always suspected ocd and that i'm autistic? no? whoops, well, she has now.

end of june i was referred to the neuropsychologist devision of the public health care place. over the course of a little over 6 weeks i went in for 2 interviews, in which i answered several questionnaires, talked about my life and childhood and traumas and what my mom had told me about her pregnancy and labor, every possible symptom i'd ever had, and was sent home with even *more* questionnaries. in addition to these, i went in for two rounds of "testing," in which i was tested on my memory, pattern recognition, reaction time, impulse control, and probably a dozen other things. i was nervous. it was exhausting. i wanted answers but was terrified of what those answers would be.

end of august, my mom came with me for the big reveal. and guess what? she was right. primary diagnosis: adhd, special emphasis on the attention deficit part. bonus diagnosis: asperger syndrome. surprise! i'm autistic, i guess.

it was hard to come to terms with. which sounds really silly, since i wouldn't have even been taking those tests if i didn't think the outcome was a possibility. and it's not like the diagnoses were surprising either. the adhd part was easier to accept, mostly because i already felt pretty confident i had it. but the asperger diagnosis was harder. having to unlearn all those ingrained ableist stereotypes and social stigmas is hard, especially when you had some you didn't even realize were there. it's very surreal to think a thought and be like "no, wait, i do that. that joke is about me." it's a very surreal and slightly upsetting experience to realize how biased you are as general rule, but especially about a facet of your own identity you weren't aware of. and the feeling of everything and nothing changing all at once. i've always been like this. a doctor telling me i have two cognitive/developmental disabilities isn't an event that magically gave me these disabilities. my brain has always worked like this. the only difference between me now and me a year ago is that i have an official, medical reason for Why now.

that's another thing: coming to terms with the idea of being "developmentally disabled." it's not like i'm suddenly a different person — i have to constantly remind myself that my brain has always been like this. but having a piece of paper confirming that i am legally entitled to special allowances in the workplace or at school because i have not one, but two "disabilities" is absolutely buckwild to me.

it makes me reevaluate my life and my past. how many situations did i make worse because i did not have the capacity or knowledge about how my own brain works to self-reflect? was i high-functioning in the past because life was simpler? was it because i subconsciously had a better handle on what works for me and what doesn't, and somewhere along the way i lost that? or was it simply because i didn't have the option to be anything other than high-functioning? it's confusing.

i also lost my spot at college. i can still reapply next year if i want, but at least now i know why i was failing out lmao

anyway, by my birthday in september we started the process of adjusting my medication again. upping my zoloft, getting me off remeron, and as of 6 weeks ago or so, beginning ritalin.

it was a rocky start, but i'm up to 60mg now. two pills in the morning, one in the afternoon. i have a goddamn alarm for 8am every day, even weekends. my sleeping is still wonky, but at least im genuinely tired by 8pm every night. the psychiatrist still wants me to try melatonin for a month (even though i told her multiple times it has never worked for me, and my problem has never been "i'm not sleepy enough"), so i'm on a whopping 2mg of melatonin for the next 30 days. norwegians are fucking WEIRD about melatonin, don't even get me started.

a slightly unexpected side-effect (on my end) of these medication changes: remeron made me gain weight. like, a lot of weight. and i was constantly hungry all the time, overeating to ridiculous amounts. why did nobody ever tell me that weight gain and metabolism changes are a side-effect of anti-depressants? i was more active this summer than i'd been in, like, three years and i just got fatter. which was incomvenient because i kept outgrowing my clothes. anyway, a side effect of ritalin is a loss of appetite and general weight loss. the combination of regularly taking ritalin and dropping remeron entirely? i eat a fraction of what i used to before, i've almost entirely stopped snacking, and i've lost 15 lbs in less than a month. i've already noticed my face is slightly slimmer now. maybe by christmas i'll be able to fit into my old tshirts again.

anyway, my psychologist quit, so i have a new one now. i've only seen her a few times, but she's veeeery different from my old one. i can't decide if i like her or not.

in the middle of all this, i've been going to the social security office as well to kind of get some of my own money, possibly help me get a job at some point in the future. my caseworker is super nice. if she's over 30 i'd be shocked. i relate to her really well, she's very helpful and understanding, and she's very patient with me and my bullshit. she's the kind of person where if we met at a party or something we could probably hang out.

anyway, she's helped me get out of the house sometimes. she introduced me to this youth club volunteer group thing called the fountain house, designed for young people who've dealt with or are currently dealing with mental illnesses and such. i hung out there yesterday and the day before and did some basic office work. it's nice. and then there's a work placement place that can either give you a job on site in one of their four departments, or help you get a job at an actual business elsewhere with more support and leniency than you might get if they just hired you off the street. i'd start in their second hand store. they clean and restore all donations they recieve, and they're super fucking cheap. i treated myself to my literal lifelong dream of owning a vintage typewriter (!!!!!) yesterday, because it's almost christmas and goddammit, i've been doing so much shit the past couple of months i deserve it. do i have space for it? not really. do i have a plan on what to use it for? no. was it heavy and miserable trekking through the snow and rain yesterday back and forth? was it worth the backache in the morning? fuck yeah it was.

a fucking lot of things are happening all at once. diagnoses, medications, lifestyle changes, work placement, social clubs, dealing with bureaucracies on all sides just so i can feel like a person again, not to mention juggling hobbies like writing and drawing and maintaining my irl friendships. i'm getting as many balls rolling as i can while i have the opportunity and mental/emotional capacity to, but i'm worried i'll burn out again. i'm stabilizing and slowly building my life back up, but jesus christ it would suck if this stupid house of cards collapsed again. but i'm tentatively optimistic. who knows, maybe it's not to late to course-correct my mistakes.

so long story short, that's why i've barely been active on tumblr for months. that's why i haven't been writing, drawing, or reading fic. it's coming along, but it's slow.

i guess the most important thing is that it's coming along at all.

[ramblingautistic]

Thomas Sanders

This is both a post for everyone and a letter-ish something directly to thomas sanders @thatsthat24

Please note that as I was writing this i saw an autism $peaks ad so i might seem a bit touchy, i’m about to sound like one of Those parents - im not angry im just disappointed.

Yesterday I saw the Autism Acceptance Month video go up. I was excited, and started watching it but stopped because I was going to travel and I only have 1G of data and i’m not using it to stream video.

This part is written using only the introductions and criticisms I’ve seen so far. The reason it’s still here is because after watching the rest of the video, the issues still stand.

1 - I understand the want of 3 ‘experts’ for each of these videos. It’s consistent with old videos like this, if there are only 2 you can get arguments with no potential tie-breaker. But if you cant find 3 autistics, (first off you’re not looking hard enough probably, i can count of 8 for sure including me that i know personally and another 2 “probably”s), just use 2. The whole point of autism acceptance month is that autistics are speaking, not that we have people who work with autistics speaking ‘for’ us. Though I do appreciate that Emma did shut up when the others were talking about autistic experiences.

2 - I was a bit wary of Ari the moment they said ‘asperger syndrome’. Especially when specifically in autistic spaces or discussions, and especially in North America where ‘aspergers’ isnt a diagnosis anymore, hearing someone introduce themselves as having aspergers puts me on the watch for Aspie Supremacy. If you don’t know, aspie supremacy is basically when those with a diagnosis of ‘aspergers’ before the use of the DSM-V, those who were told they would have been diagnosed with aspergers, or people who were (for some reason) diagnosed with ‘high functioning’ autism think they’re Better than autistics because they ‘just have aspergers’. Based on what I’ve seen in comments, these concerns were right.

Now we’re to where I actually wrote it as I watched the video.

Minor misinformation - the first recorded use of the term autism was in 1908 to describe a form of schizophrenia. Clearly not the same meaning, but it’s the first recorded use.

I’m very uncomfortable with the ‘biosex’ thing that’s really misgendery honestly. That’s calling every trans woman ‘male’, calling every trans man ‘female’ and putting nonbinary people back into their assigned gender it’s really transphobic and gross.

Using Tesla as a ‘they thought he might have had aspergers’ thing is um. 1 people use these famous successful historical figures as ‘well look theyre autistic and did this so you can too’ which is really :/. 2- this is a bit more of a problem for just me but i’m not a fan of retrospective diagnosis. we cannot see how these people actually acted. we cannot ask them about their experiences. it’s not gonna be accurate and it literally just means every ‘genius’ in history gets an autism diagnosis slapped on them.

Oh god the aspie supremacy in the whole discussion after the tesla thing. which is literally just like ‘theyre sufferinggggggg’ thing oh. my. god. ‘theyre trapped in their body’ that’s not… how things work. just because someone doesn’t understand their communication doesn’t mean they aren’t communicating ok?

fuck this ‘it’s not a disability’ thing. autism is a disability. and the ‘different ability’ thing is inherently ableist. it creates the idea that disability is bad. It makes everyone think that I should be able to do Everything.

Just because I don’t have any magic Extra Abilities doesn’t mean i’m not autistic, as calling it a ‘different ability’ flat out states. I am disabled, and the majority of the autistic community agrees.

Also i know there was a LOT of use of person first language used in the video. Person first language (”person with autism”) isn’t good. I can’t put down my autism. I am autistic. It affects, forms, and is every part of me.

~Me, an autistic (and several others)