#if my shitty brain doesnt have me. my friends got me

[chradi]

People are too fucking nicey to me!!!!

[crispy0nion]

Spill the tea

with pleasure. btw this is gonna contain slight mentions of me being a depressed fuck a few years ago. also it's kinda long

ok so, about four years ago during my first year of hs, i met this guy in my class, he was a little shit but we instantly clicked. immediately became best friends, dude basically lived in my house lmao. we went on vacation together that summer, and we had a blast. literally one of the best summers of my life i had sm fun.

second year of hs starts, and suddenly he's not talking to me or any of our friends anymore. literally just ignores us and hangs out with some other guys from our class instead. weird asf, but he was being a real dick so me and my friends quickly dropped the thing and opted for mutual disinterest.

i have no idea how or why, but near the end of the year one of our friends managed to talk with him, and he completely switches up. now he's talking to everyone like nothing happened.

except for me.

he's not talking to me. actually he is actively ignoring my existence. "what an asshole" you'll say. "so did your friends say anything, maybe drop him for acting like that?" lmao. please.

this guy used to be a loser btw. scrawny little guy who would only talk about anime. then after this year of ignoring us, he had suddenly turned into this cool, unbothered guy who will destroy your self confidence in 0.5 seconds if he doesnt like your vibe, but he does so in a " i'm effortlessly funny" way. basically, he's infuriating if you're not his friend. which apparently i wasn't anymore??

so anyways, the point is he's got everyone bouncing on his dick. classmates swarm him like flies to a lamp. he's the coolest guy around, he's so funny. that includes my friends btw. so i spend the third year of highschool feeling like no one actually wanted me around, cause they had him. but i was clinically depressed and i knew that i couldn't handle any more drama, so i said nothing and tried acting like nothing happened, ngl it was pretty pathetic looking back 💀

the thing kinda peaks when we decide to go on a trip together during the summer. that was so shitty bro i wanted to walk in traffic i genuinely felt like they would be having i better time without me there.

but anyways, i survive that somehow. that was early in the summer, i use the rest of it to work of my mental health and by the time my fourth year starts i was doing much better. my friends also stopped being assholes lmao, i suspect they heard me when during the vacation i cried to my mom on the phone for two hours and they felt bad but uhm. regardless. dude was still pretending i didnt exist.

good for him ig. i decide i've been pathetic enough and just start ignoring him the same way he ignored me. the mutual ignoring goes great, i'm doing much better. near the end of the year me and my friends (The Guy wasn't there) get drunk as shit and i decide to bring up this issue. i get some feedback from my friends: one of them tried asking him what happened between us and he answered "go fuck yourself". cool. another person thinks he has a crush on me and is shit at managing it. fair guess but it's an asshole move. someone else says maybe i accidentally hurt him. also a good guess, but i didn't do anything, and if i did, i didn't do it on purpose and he should've said something. overall, we're all confused.

school year ends, we organize another trip. i'm stressed as fuck. then on the first evening, he asks if someone can put his powerbank in their bag cause he doesnt have one, and i offer mine since i was the only one with extra space.

and i guess i broke his brain, because now he's talking to me like the previous two years never happened. which is. wild.

but i decide to be nice and cool about it and go along with it. we're civil to eachother. dare i say he acts weirdly friendly sometimes, which was actually genuinely shocking for me. he literally split his food with me of his own volition. TWO TIMES. wtf???? i also dont get marginalized this time!! i had the best time of my life actually!! my bed almost caught fire but that's a completely different story.

so uhm. i spend the remaining month and a half of summer wondering if he's still gonna be like this when school starts? cause if i know one thing, it's that he might change his mind for no reason.

the answer is no btw. it's like the trip never happened. today was our fifth day and the only time we talked this entire week was when i asked him something about class and he answered LOOKING AT THE PERSON NEXT TO ME. AS IF THAT GUY HAD ASKED THE QUESTION AND NOT ME??

he and the rest of my friends (except for one who wasn't available) are hanging out rn btw. they went to the cinema. "why are you saying they and not us" cuz i didn't get a fucking invite lmao. we're back at the start babeyyyy im going to walk into the sea.

anyways that's the drama. i left out a LOT of details to avoid making a kilometric post but uhm. opinions? do y'all think he got dropped on his head as a child? cause i know i was but i'm not this much of a crazy asshole.

[tunaababee]

gonna get really sappy and DEEPLY tmi/personal about twenty one pilots on main so im gonna put it under a cut. i am cringe but i am free and clancy tour coming up is giving me Feelings

i've been a top fan since 2016. i initially had some resistance to them bc it was when Stressed Out was at its peak and like, yall know how oversaturation goes. even if its good, its fucking annoying by proxy. all the 12/13 year olds at my high school were into it. i was turning 17. and it was a really fucking rough year.

i've been deep into homestuck since i was about 14/15, but by age 16 i had branched out into text-based rp and met a guy from italy who i kind of had a situationship with i guess?? at the time?? idk if that's what the kids call it. (whenever i describe how many relationships ive had, i count this one as a 0.5) anyways. it eventually got to a point where he was emotionally abusing me for a period of about four months. it was brief, but intense, especially since im a fucking lovesick lonely teen at this point who doesnt know any better. he lovebombs me, talks to me and acts like i am his girlfriend, gets jealous and shitty if i talk about other people, but then the moment he goes and does the same shit i get told i'm the reason he was depressed, im the reason for his problems, etc. until he calmed down and placated me and won me over again. over and over, regularly, for four months. it was a lot for my little developing brain to handle.

i know people have had it longer, have had it worse, but it really left a lasting impact. i was left with a litany of abandonment issues, and self-esteem and image that was already bad was buried dead in the fucking ground. i wanted to die every single fucking day for those four months. he even told me, as i began to question my sexuality properly, that i couldnt be bi 'because i liked him'.

but he LOVED twenty one pilots. would quote their shit regularly. wore the merch. all that stuff.

by 2016 i'd managed to see clearly enough and have enough support from friends that i felt comfortable cutting him and his circle off permanently. and it was fucking hard. i didn't have a lot of irl friends at the time and it felt like my only support network. after i finally left, i was desperate to feel some semblance of control, take something back, my own personal little 'fuck you' i could carry in my heart.

with all the hype around them, i gave top a try. slowly eased my way in. i knew i was hooked when i heard Holding On To You for the first time. it made me feel like i could take back that control and find a light at the end of the tunnel.

i consumed everything they had put out after that. i saw them live at emotional roadshow sydney 2017, i was turning 18. i made so many new friends. i felt such hope in my heart. i sobbed so fucking hard when they played HOTY. they weren't the only reason i made it through, itd be naive to contribute everything to them when i've done a lot of work and so have the people around me, but they were like a lifeline to hold on to when things were hard.

i went and saw them again in 2018 for the bandito tour. i made my own outfit and was surrounded by people who had done the same. i made more friends, had more adventures. i was dropping out of high school the year that Trench released due to having the worst mental health i'd had probably since my abuse and felt so lost but it helped me feel a little more stable and grounded. like that light was still there.

a lot has happened since. i'll be 25 when i go see them in November, once again at Qudos Bank Arena in sydney. i'm in a happy relationship with someone i love who respects me. i'm doing things that make me happy. i'm happy. i've felt and experienced and lived and loved and lost and done so so so much since i was a scared 16 year old hearing them for the first time. i've gotten piercings and tattoos, something i never thought i'd do, and put their work permanently on my body. i'm so proud every time i see my tattoo on my arm. i genuinely love and accept myself exactly as i am, which is something i NEVER thought i'd do.

having Clancy come out nine years to the day from blurryface, an album that has been so deeply important to me in a lot of ways, gets me real misty. this entire tour gets me so misty. i didn't think i'd live past 18 at BEST. but i'm here and i'm fucking happy.

genuinely cannot emphasise how much this album and this tour means to me. i plan on getting a Clancy tattoo once the album comes out and i've had some time to sit with it. it feels very full circle, i guess. hearing Next Semester has just had me thinking about this constantly and all weepy all the time haha. but a good weepy.

i cannot fucking wait to scream in a stadium full of people again in a way that heals my heart.

[ankhisms]

aaaoghhfhf

i currently live in some kind of hellish paradox of my brain where i constantly have pop ups in my mind thatre like WARNING EVERYONE IS MAD AT YOU AND HATES YOU AND IS ANNOYED AT YOU AND DOESNT WANT YOU IN THEIR LIVES and its like the rational part of me knows this is false and if a friend was mad at me or upset with me they should be upfront with me and talk to me about it and i could be in the middle of having a nice conversation with a friend and my brain will still be like everyone wants you dead and at any moment people will start screaming at you and turn on you and you have to be scared but its like again. i know this isnt rational. and due to my one ex close friend just cutting me off suddenly im more worried than usual about even bringing this up with people or being like "hey do you like having me around my brain is being shitty" because i think he got annoyed with me for asking for reassurance that he didnt hate me and got annoyed with me for being paranoid. so im in this loop where i know its not rational and i can recognize that its my brain bullshit but it still gets to me and i still get scared of annoying everyone i care about and about everyone just suddenly never speaking to me again without any warning or explanation like he did and so i end up just bottling it up because i dont want to annoy anyone. anyway its almost 1 i should sleep ill be fine

[cookiekitkat8484]

dipper hcs

This is super long, like 2000 words super long because i have a huge hyperfixation and cringe culture is dead. he reminds me of me and my friends/family so i have a million ideas. split into topics for reading convenience

low 20s, autistic, bi + demi with a preference for women, ftm. I totally understand people disliking ftm dipper because of stan and mabel making fun of his masculinity and it would be shitty in canon but this is my post so i make the rules bitch and am pretending that never happened. None of this is ship stuff. I imagine him to basically look like the lovley art in this post.  

shares an apartment with mabel in portland, completely full of nerd memorabilia, mabels diys, a conspiracy corkboard, and arts & crafts materials 

works in a bar/arcade where wendy bartends, calls soos and fidds when he needs help fixing machines

pet ferret called pippin

started his own journal 

pacificas plus one to her prissy rich person events, sit in the corner and shit talk

carries around fidget toys, was too embarrassed till mabel convinced him (partially because his pens kept exploding everywhere)

has protective runes tattooed 

mabel talks about astrology to be annoying, is baited into getting mad and rambling about how modern astrology is fake and a scam every single time

nervous driver, doesnt have a car but is sometimes driven by mabel in her heavily adorned funmobile 

helps mabel dye her hair after a three am hair emergency, got really good and bleached pacificas (she refuses money from her parents after moving out) till she decided to chop it and grow it out natural, used to have the ultimate gossip sessions

joint problems and pain, god awful posture

one sided beef with all of mabels partners till they “prove themselves”

doesnt believe in cooking like he (mainly) used to not believe in laundry

punched someone for making fun of mabel, got beat up so mabel kicked their asses (thank you stan and wendy)

only social media is reddit, an instagram account made and run by pacifica, youtube, and a tumblr on nerd/mystery stuff 

only has tumblr bc candy convinced him in like 2014 then he succumbed to the brain rott, they're mutuals and make weird references no one else gets, personalises blog extensively via html/css, had a brief superwholock phase in 2015 (fight me)

coded mabels laptop into a custom 2000s esc blinged out hellscape she made in graphic design class, got her rgb stuff bc she likes rainbows and he thinks its funny

occasionally clashes with mabel bc shes sensory seeking and he gets sensory overload

pacifica takes him clothes shopping bc otherwise he will literally never buy new clothes, they sometimes go thrifting with mabel the thrift god

mildly dyslexic and in denial

needs glasses but usually wears contacts because he finds them annoying then forgets to take them out, wears glasses when he misses the grunkles

Sugar addict like mabel and their pantry shows it 

Best nerd shirt collection like that's all he wears

Gets into online arguments way too much for like no reason 

Mabel makes like ten different protective friendship bracelets with unicorn hair so he could have options, just wears all ten at once

uni

journalism major with a minor in computer science 

takes history, pure maths, and film units as electives 

member/helps run the clubs for DnD/DD&MD, MTG, Warhammer, and scifi & fantasy appreciation

founder and president of the uni cryptozoology, supernatural, aliens, and occult society

gets ford to proof read his writings/math and fidds his code

attends lectures for units hes not even enrolled in for fun

has gotten into multiple arguments with professors, including ones that dont even teach him 

has read theory (all people who’ve read theory are annoying including myself)

hobbies

goes to cons with mabel, she helps with (/mainly makes for him) matching cosplays which bring the joy of their childhood trick or treating

once met spock and kirks actors and got so excited he passed out so mabel took pics of him on the floor next to them and thinks its hysterical

DMs an online DnD/DD&MD and ttrpgs group

competes in MTG tournaments 

does karaoke night with mabel and the gals atleast once a month, sometimes brings pacifica 

goes to the renaissance fair with the squad where him, mabel, ford, and soos all dress up and get super into character with melony while wendy and stan take shrooms and go to watch the sword fighting 

listens to DnD podcasts 

ex band kid and still plays Sousaphone, often to mabels dismay 

obsessed with boardgames and hosts boardgame nights, always makes everyone play super overcomplicated ones then has to play monopoly when its stan and mabels choice

almost always wins boardgames, sometimes loses to ford (who is a sore loser lol)

has had risk games last multiple days once its only him and ford left

bonds with mabel painting figures (warhammer, dnd, the usual) with her and soos and embraces her covering hers in glitter and gems

goes ghost hunting, has a shit tone of real gear from ford and fidds and sometimes vlogs, quotes buzzfeed unsolved

secret AO3 account, caught grunkle stan writing dutches approves fics but both have sworn an oath of secrecy 

wendy taught him skateboarding, doesnt do tricks (uncoordinated as shit) but uses it as transport

broke bc he cant resist collectables 

made his own pc from scratch using parts he bought and custom ones made by fidds

goes to local band concerts with wendy and her gang including watching wendy play drums

Did debate in highschool, usually gets nervous doing public speaking but gets so invested he forgets

tech guy for productions mabel is in

games 

loves all strategy and puzzle games

fav games include fallout 1&2, nethack, xcom, civ, FTL, and dwarf fortress

ford and fidds play games they used to play before the portal accident with him eg. zork, MUD1, rouge, star trek, colossal cave adventure, and mystery house

plays portal 2 with ford and sometimes mabel

plays baldurs gate with mabel and she spent five hours doing character customisation, he plays wizard and she plays bard and both are total stereotypes

plays lethal company and phasmophobia with mabel, soos, wendy, grenda, and candy (goes as expected) (lots of screaming)

BDG unravelled fan and grew up on matpat but cant play fnaf or ddlc bc giffany 

had a breakdown playing dark souls and started crying at 2am so mabel banned it permanently

spectacularly bad at rhythm games but will play with mabel anyway and she completely sweeps, esp in arcades and just dance

play bishi bashi together and have broken the machine before

really good at retro arcade games, shares strats with soos and remembers all the combos for everything, helps kids beat levels at work

gets ford to help optimise game stats/teams/strats with the POWER OF MATHS !!!, has on occasion coded algorithms to assist 

forced everyone to play among us constantly for like three months straight

member of mabel, candy, and grendas chaotic nightmare of a minecraft server, usually offline and generally regrets it when he joins, more of a terraria guy

undertale kid

ports/emulates games himself, esp retro console stuff like old fire emblem, Zelda, earthbound

in the ace attorney fandom  

runs a server for online friends he plays games with

shows/movies

does annual lotr (extended edition) marathons with ford, mabel drifts in and out of watching because snacks and that legolas and arwin are both a “total smash”

loves scifi, including classics like star trek, star wars, ext.

watches doctor who with mabel (shes a david tennant enjoyer) including the super old stuff 

goes to old scifi/horror/fantasy rerun marathons, wendy joins depending on the films

watches scifi and mecha anime with soos, sometimes ford and fidds join

loves evangelion, knows cruel angels thesis in japanese, lowkey a shinji kinnie and is bullied ruthlessly 

watches candys exquisite curation of 90s shoujo with her, mabel, and grenda, wont admit he gets super into it but has been caught doing sailor moon magical girl transformation poses 

watched madoka magica with the gals and was kuybey hater #1 from the start

never shuts the fuck up about theories and guesses the end of movies unless mabel smothers him with a pillow

hate watches conspiracy theory/ghost hunting shows with wendy bc theyre either laughably wrong or so close and totally missing the obvious, except this one random guy who was somehow spot on (like doug forcett in the good place) 

Made to watch all of twilight at a girls night because mabel (mostly) watched lotr, cant stop overthinking the insane lore implications which somehow get worse with every book fact mabel tells him (because what the fuck ???? the world building is batshit), him and candy keep periodically saying effervescent and bursting into hysterics to the others confusion

still quotes star wars bad lip readings with mabel

books

favs include hitchikers guide to the galaxy, discworld, lotr, do androids dream of electric sheep, earthsea, dune, and HP lovecraft esp cuthullu 

him and ford have both read the salmirilion and make it everyones problem

likes classic scifi and early cyberpunk, esp spec fic thats wacky or raises ethical questions to ponder with ford

loves sherlock homes and agatha christie, big who dunnit story fan

read good omens bc mabel likes the show (again, david tennant enjoyer) and its terry pratchet, tries to get her to read the book for ages and eventually she listens to the audiobook

music

likes lemon demon, TWERP, starbomb, NSP, tally hall, will wood, and other nerd bands 

owns spirit phone on vinyl, made ford listen and accidentally gave him flashbacks

can and will recite the entirety of the ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny at the drop of a hat

went through a midwest emo phase, still listens to csh

listens to vocaloid with candy, went to a concert with the gals and everyone learnt the dances, mabel deccorated their light sticks 

always ends up belting (B)ABBA when drunk

Fav (B)ABBA songs are disco girl and under attack 

weezer defender, bullied by mabel and wendy

listens to math rock with ford while stan complains the time signatures and polyrhythms (though he’d never bother to learn the terms) give him a headache 

listens to game OSTs and chiptune stuff

mabel got him into musicals, knows the words to hamilton, bmc, and dear evan hansen, sing duets together

trans 

once forgot to take off a too small binder for like two days and fainted, mabel made him a custom one

short king, used to have hight dysphoria

mabel alters his pants bc mens trousers are evil for the transmasc gang

didnt shave ever when he first got his wiskers till pacifica staged an intervention 

forgot to tell stan he was trans till he got body hair and stan joked it was his genetics to thank, dipper responded he was lucky they worked with the T he takes

drinking/drugs

cant smoke weed or he gets suuuuper paranoid, only smoked once w wendy and tried to smoke more to calm down but just ended up greening hard

drinks alcoholic ginger beer and indie APIs wendy recommends, though shes more of a whisky gal

super low alcohol tolerance, doesnt drink often

drinks mabels own recipe cocktail monstrosities when she convinces him they wont get shitfaced, always ends up shitfaced because theyre 100% alcohol + sugar and mabels tolerance is like double his, will always eventually end with him trying to explain lotr poorly

once drank so much caffeine he started hallucinating 

tripsits mabel (LSD legend) and sometimes wendy (totally does shrooms), again is neurotic and should under no circumstances take hallucinogens 

sometimes smokes cigs when stressed, tries to hide it but is laughably bad, sometimes bums a cig off wendy

[luetta]

kinda wanna block every single person who i follow or follows me and start anew. i hate what my tumblr feed is now. its all fucking horny transposting and shitty online memes. it makes me feel so fucking stupid and vapid that is what i've curated my tumblr into being ... it just feels lame. if i was another person and i looked at luetta's blog, i wouldn't follow it. there's no analysis on media i like, any media that does appear is through a transgender lens. no aesthetics, just lewdness. and of course thinking about all of this, instead of just not giving a fuck about how my own personal blog is perceived, makes me feel like an idiot also. who gives a fuck? someone who still craves validation from others like a friendless little child, that's who. this website gives me dysphoria. and that's fucking cringe. i'm so lame. i'm a cookie cutter trans girl. blahaj and :3 and xdf htskligyterwuik girwa htuirog8yreabiraejk WHO FUCKING CARES WHAT SUBCULTURE YOU FIT INREGYT0IUTREHY 9E8TYU OJHTERYSU8YTERWMS8N 76E50W9TRW0 97Bwhat am i fucking even saying. i'm literally substanceless. i have no depth whatsoever. i've read no books. i've watched no movies. i've travelled to no places. i've experienced so little. i've literally done 1 single fucking thing in my life and that's figure out 6 years too late that i'm trans. woopdie doo. i did the bare minimum of introspection that comes with being a human. this is real life, i have to do more than that. i can't just sit in my room doing fucking NOTHING forever. i just need to suck it up and get a proper job and interact with people instead of just being content with doing nothing and fading away and then one day turning 40 and realising i've done nothing at all with my prime years. why is my brain so 9uhfeargu8io sdefrgu hypigfsd8dgsfht sgdftj puist ghreiouoy erthgt43qghrlyuv4qetwyulo4v53q2khglyiv354oiuy why do i just fucking keep on thinking about things it never fucking stops. there's never a single moment of respite from thinking about shit. i fucking hate my country, i just want weed to be legalised so i can do edibles every night and not have to fucking think constantly. but nooo i have to live in a fucking .... okay just going to stop typing because it's fucking cringe like every other opinion i have. you know what im going to type about instead? my ex-friend tom. you're a fucking piece of shit. why did you do this shit man? i don't fucking get it. literally what did i do for you to decide "i don't want to ever utter a SINGLE FUCKING WORD to you ever again". like what? we literally were connecting at such a deep friendship level. you pretty much came out to me when i came out to you. we hugged so tightly when we watched the succession finale together. and then you just fucking went AWOL. and yeah i get that you got addicted to benzos and went to rehab. but like ....... why does that mean you don't want to be my friend anymore? idk. i probs did something wrong because i'm a fuckup with fluctuating feelings and did something when i was in a 'fuck this guy' mood. urgh. idk. all my friends right now are cool but i still haven't found someone who shared so many similar interests as me. you're just a cunt to do this shit and make me have to get over you without any closure. i fucking hate myself. i just want to be someone else. throw all my belongings into a big fire and burn it up. go on a manic spree and fuck up my life. life just sorta sucks doesnt it? the fact that you have to work a fuckton and give away your body and time just so you can do things you want to do. i have dreams that ill never achieve probably. because i can't fucking do work. also my fucking boss is fucking dodging me about taking on more shifts than 1 every 3 weeks so i guess theyve fucking fired me. time to not be able to be on government support anymore !! because i need to work in order to keep it apparently !! good system. the purpose of a system is what it does. it wants you to suffer and die for not being a normal tall white man who works 10 hours a day in the auto shop. i hate everything i see. i'm unhappy.

[bunny-heels]

giant vent post.

i think ive reached an actual breaking point. i havent had a breakdown this bad in such a long time and it stills feels horrible now as it did back then. i cant really think properly, not straight at least anyway. im going to ramble on and probably have a really hard time connecting everything together. but whatever.

at some point in my teens i developed a hyper self awareness. i would have that part of my brain that always thought rationally, like it was made up of a court of people or was some sort of other entity entirely. its always aware of what i was doing, if im doing something stupid, out of anger, irrational, selfish. its the "adult" part. it knows better than me, it knows right from wrong. and its not even like a "voice in the back of my head" or anything. its a very vocal and very upfront part of my brain thats there all the time. and it still is as im writing this. its never left.

my self awareness is really, really strong. it is pretty much my personal therapist. i think ive been through so much mental trauma in my life that my brain has just developed this as a safety net or firewall or whatever. and i mean it works a lot. only time it doesnt is when im really really depressed. like close to actually self harming or making a plan to kill myself levels.

i remember when i tried self-harming once, using really shitty dull scissors. that self-aware part of my brain was there the whole time, kept telling me this was a bad idea, there was no point in doing it and it would only hurt me and my loved ones if i succeeded in actually causing damage. i heard it the entire time. but i still went through with it and tried so hard to get through my own skin. i couldnt and i finally gave into the self aware and realized i shouldve listened to it sooner cause yeah, its not worth it to hurt myself just to regret it later.

my self awareness knew better like it always does. and like i said, its basically my therapist now. i barely even vent anymore because of it. i used to vent and rant a lot. i did it weekly pretty much because i had my little spaces where i thought i could let my emotions out and then i'd be able to go along with my day. then i had a friend of mine be passive aggressive towards me once because i guess they finally got sick of seeing of my rants on their timeline. and even my own mom told me i shouldnt be talking and showing my sensitive side so much online. then my stupid autism mistook someones joke for being real and i got so embarrassed i tried my best to seem like i was talking about someone else. and then i made friends with people where all they would do is rant and vent and rant and vent and rant and vent. and i got so, so tired of it to the point where i wanted to try everything i can to not be like them.

after that i barely ever ranted or vented again and only did it on very very very few occasions and only in places my friends could see. but every time i felt my emotions grow, my self aware side will just come in and be rational.

"dont think much about what these people online are doing, you know theyre just hateful and spiteful. theres no point in wasting your thoughts and emotions on them. do something you like instead."

"yeah the world is horrible right now. there are children dying and families being torn apart and innocent people being put through torture. and you feel guilty that you cant help them or that you dont deserve to be sad because youre not the one going through it. but its okay to be sad about people you dont know or how bad the world gets, and you dont need to justify your sadness. you know its different for everyone."

"you're reasonably upset about this thing, youre getting angry and there being no progress made is just making your mood worse. but font blow up. you know better than to yell at the people who dont and you dont want it to seem like youre annoyed with them or that you dont care. anger doesnt solve anything. you need patience and to be understanding. you shouldnt act extreme unless the situation really calls for it. then its justified."

if i have an urge to vent, i'll vent to my self awareness. if i get angry, my self awareness will calm me down. if i'm confused, my self awareness will look at everything it can. if i'm doing something i shouldn't, my self awareness lets me know. if i get bad impulses, my self awareness keeps me under control. my self awareness knows best. its the better half of me. its the part of me that i wish i could fully be 24/7. but i just cant.

and to be honest, my self awareness is also my enemy.

"i know you feel like venting but, look at all the problems these other people have. you dont need to talk about your problems with anyone. just use your brain and you'll be fine."

"theres already someone in this group that brings the mood down all the time. they talk negative about themselves and their life. you already feel bad for not being able to do anything. why add on to the list of people who cry and complain? you cant take care of your own issues just fine."

"is this the best time to be going to this person to vent and rant? i mean you have no idea what theyre doing right now. they could be busy, they could be in a good mood and you dont wanna bring them down. what if they dont even want to hear about your problems right now? its best if you just figure it out yourself for now. youre smart, you dont need other people when you already know what to do."

i remember in late elementary and during my whole middle school years, my mental health was the lowest its ever been. during middle school, almost every day was the same. i'd have an okay or mediocre time at school, i'd come home, feel relief for a bit and maybe hang out with friends, then all the sudden this wave of sadness flowed through me. it would hit hard and all at one. i would always have to get away from my computer, climb into bed, and cry. sometimes it was over something that happened at school, sometimes over something online, sometimes something at home, and sometimes for no reason. but it would always happen. no matter what.

i isolated myself when i cried. i hated people seeing or hearing me cry or tear up. i would get made fun of for crying in elementary school, whether if it was from bullying or having issues with class or the teacher. i was and am still really really sensitive. and i was always treated terribly every time i showed it. so when i got emotional or upset, i hid myself away. no one gets bothered by me and i get bothered by no one. eventually after learning some things about psychology and getting a bit of therapy, my brain trained on that and i learned to deal with my emotions all by myself. i didnt need to talk to anyone anymore, no more making someone feel bad or having my problems be ignored or getting made fun of for my emotions. from now on all my problems stayed my problems.

but i dont know how long i can keep going like this. i can rationalize a situation, i can regulate my emotions, i can do things at my own pace and never have to worry about burdening someone or myself ever again. im doing it all myself. im doing it alone.

i dont want to do it alone anymore.

i want to talk to people about my problems again. i want to rant and vent and ramble and scream about things that piss me off and make me upset. i wanna yell while i rant to my friends about something that made me angry. i wanna vent about having a shitty day. i wanna be able to message a friend and tell them i feel like shit. i wanna be able to call a friend while crying and saying that i wish things were better. i wanna be able to talk about how much the world sucks. i wanna have moments where i talk shit about myself, talk about how im a miserable piece of shit and that i dont deserve to be loved and cared for. i dont deserve friends or family, i dont deserve nice things, i dont deserve to have fun, or have medicine, or have people listen to me, or care about me. i wanna scream that i dont matter and that no one cares about me.

and all i want after that is just someone to hug me.

i dont want to hear rational explanations about the world, or about how life and feelings work, or how the human brain works, or how fair and unfair things can be. i dont want cold hard truth. i dont want blunt. my brain already does it for me. i know im being irrational, i know im just upset, i know im just depressed, i knows things are unpredictable and that life isnt a straight path and that not everything is simple and things cant be fixed that easily and that theres always gonna be hard moments and i just have to accept it. i know. i know i know i know.

just please. i just want a moment to he comforted.

i want someone to listen. i want someone to sit there in silence as they hear my begs and pleads. i want them to not say anything as i scream about how terrible everything is. i want them quiet as i complain that life is awful and things should be easier. i dont want them to interrupt while i talk shitty about myself and call myself a horrible person. i dont want them to talk. i want them to listen. i want them to hear me when i cry and listen when i go on and on and on.

and when im finally finished speaking, and im gasping for air as my throat is all raspy from how much and how high ive spoken, and my face is red and i have a massive headache and my eyes and cheeks are soaked in tears and my whole body hurts, i just want them to get up, be right in front or next to me, and hug me.

i want them to wrap their arms around me and squeeze me tight against them. for them to put their hand on the back of my head and on my mid back and stroke both of them. for them to put my face in the croak of their neck. and to just hear them breath and whisper

"its okay. everything will be okay."

and i'll cry again. i'll cry so hard my whole face will hurt. my eyes will be bloodshot, my face is hot and bright red, my nose is snotty and runny, my whole body is tired, i look like a disheveled mess. and i'll cry into their neck. i'll let it all out.

and i want them to be okay with that. i want them to let me let go. i want them to let me have my moment of breaking down. and when im tired from it all, i want them to soothe me and tell me that everything will be okay. that im not a bad person, that im not ugly, that its okay that im sensitive, that im not a burden, that i deserve to be loved and cared for, that its okay for me to cry, its okay for me to have these moments of weakness, that im not alone, that its okay for me to let it out.

that i dont have to care of myself anymore and theyll be there for me no matter what.

i'll have them and they'll have me.

but even now when im getting close to finishing this, feeling like i finally have let myself have a moment of vulnerability.

that voice comes back, it creeps in at the last few words.

"you do have people that care about you. of course theyre there for you. you know you have people that care. dont pretend they dont exist."

they do exist.

i know they exist.

but

what if theyre busy.

[dappersautismcreature]

hey sorry this is super outta nowhere but i was scrolling thru the mcytconfessions blog n saw you saying youre a wilbur hater and im genuinely curious as to why?

this isnt me waiting to like. white knight him and bite your face off btw. i like wilbur but this *is* genuine curiosity pls dont be afraid lmfaoksdsdfkhf

ah yeah, sorry nonnie, and no worries. sorry for the rant ahead i just wanna lay it all out.

listen, its pure vibes, i dont really have an explanation for it. i liked him just generally for a while, but i watched a video where he talked about american gun control and it just came off super uck to me. like, a lot of british lefties have this weird thing where they will assume americans are all stupid just for kicks when we've actually been indoctrinated to think the way we do. i guess i just dont like seeing brits have political takes that are just pure "america needs to get its shit together" cause yeah bro we know, focus on whatever the fuck is up with ur government please. I feel like if i talked politics with wilbur soot he would be condescending as shit and basically explain to me what socialism is or whatever when its like, dude,, please. british lefties think they know more than the average young american, which is most of the time not true, or not something to insult someone over. (this is also because he reminds me of a shitty ex friend who was in the states for AMERICAN STUDIES but would just talk on and on and on about how dumb americans were -___-)

and its more than that, i never get idolization of people, like, online people. the closest ive come to it was technoblade maybe? gtws is pretty awesome too, bbh is low level idolization maybe. so it weirds me out when people are just in awe over him, makes my instincts go wild. im really not accusing him of anything, i know this is just the silly brain reacting silly. it just weirds me out. his fans do not know him, nobody's fans know the person, and yet they act like they do, and like he's gods gift to leftism and queerness when he is,, a cishet maybe-aro upperclass man from britain. nothing against him really.

oh, and his fans tick me off because theyre ALWAYS inserting him into things and just. listen, i dont like having to scroll through tons of wilbur fics in the qsmp tag when im just trying to get to some badboyhalo or etoiles centric fics. the man has been on the qsmp for like less than a week of playtime and he's the fourth most tagged character on the qsmp ao3 tag.

not to mention he gets dragged into other plots like "what if this actually happened to wilbur!" or "yeah but what if wilbur was there!" or my most hated "cant wait till this character meets wilbur because i cannot enjoy this media (which is about finding and enjoying a bunch of ccs) if it doesnt have my guy in it!" like i get it, you have a hyperfix or a special interest, ive been there, but maybe then go watch stuff he's actually in, instead of forcing him into a plot he really isnt that big a part of anymore.

people also praised his dsmp writing when it was,, average at best. honestly i think bbh's and the eggpire's writing did way more for the dsmp because they actually tried to include other people in the plot as much as possible, instead of just writing for you and a few of your friends. imo, c!wilbur was an ok character, like, nothing bad, but nothing extraordinary for me. utah is death, ok buddy got it, wow, insane. yeah yeah we've all been to the soul sucking pit of utah, haha i get it. << this is just pure salt ignore that lmao

oh and lovejoy didnt fuckin invent political indie rock, people need to get over themselves on that one.

so yeah, its just a thing of, i cant really bring myself to like him. the brain goes wonky when he's around. kinda wish i didnt like, get angry when he's on screen but idk i cant really stop myself. nothing againstt you if you like him, ill usually tag anyy wilbur neg with #wilbur crit so if you wanna mute that tag. i dont post it too often tho.

[lqfiles]

omg omg omg omg omg omg im here im here!

“baby” BRO IF HAECHAN DOESNT STFU OMG HIS ATTITUDE IS SO UGH (hot) KARINA BETTER THROW THE ROCKS AT HIMMM

also i wanna know what haechan asked jaemin bc wdym he just gave him y/n’s @? 😭 no wait but the at the same time, he probably thought he was probably playing matchmaker… idk jaemin cracks me up tho 😭

“but it’s quite cute” “you know where my room is” ugh im in love with them already but seeing how haechan is, ik the angst is gonna go crazyyy 😭 (if it involves all of us throwing rocks at haechan, karina calls dibs)

BUT YES I REMEMBER THAT about your friend and tbh sameeee rn (a little lore about me 😈) i have a situation with this friend who is great btw she’s very talkative, very friendly, well, extremely friendly, and lately she’s been having a thing with this guy and mind you, i used to live with her for a bit in her dorms (i commute which means i don’t live in uni) and she would drop me if her then bf came over, but we got closer after she and that bf broke up

but she’s been talking with this new guy, i have been encouraging when she is overthinking it, and lately… it’s all she’s been talking about 😭 i try to talk about my day and it gets dismissed when she tells me something about the guy and believe me, im happy for her, but we haven’t talked for two days now and when she does text me, it’s to let me know what the guy did

okay that’s it 😋

but it’s just like… i love our friendship but previous friendships before ended bc my friends would make their partners their entire personality and would drop their friends. like what is going on 😭😭 idk but thats enough lore 🫡

But i totally get not feeling excited…

i hope everything is okay tho! hope youre taking care of yourself and are staying well hydrated. thank you so much for the update! your brain just goes crazy and i love it 😋

- 🫧

(bella is getting a new harness with a little bow and she’s very excited! she’s also getting shoes bc it’s getting hot and i don’t want her paws to burn)

(also! She’s a maltipoo right? but we’re starting to notice she spots like a dalmatian and it’s kinda cool and so pretty 😭)

(and yes, we got compared to satoru and suguru out of nowhere 🥲 like damn… it makes me sad tho hearing that comparison 😭😭)

WELL YES jaemin is the biggest ynhyuck shipper of course he’s gonna give y/n’a @ to haechan (he had no idea of his motives), bless his clueless heart, he’s so silly 😭

i love how we all want karina to to fr throw rocks at him like we need this to happen one day, karina WILL call dibs when it comes to the angst and hurting haechan you already know she doesn’t play about y/n!!!! even jaemin might throw a small rock

OMG NO…. i’m so sorry to hear that 😭😭 i can tell that this is the beginning stages of her crush, so i advise (definitely not saying you SHOULD because i know confrontation is scary even if it is with friends 😭) that you genuinely have a talk with her about how all she does is talk about that guy and how you feel like conversations w her are starting to become pointless because they revolve around stuff you’re not interested in. its an extremely shitty situation to be put in and i’ll honestly never understand why people can’t seperate their friends and relationship and not bring one into the other.

i think your friend might understand if you bring it up tho, since you said she’s very friendly, if you say that you’re saying this from a malicious stance but rather in a way where you’re trying to improve your friendship, im sure she’ll understand. and if she doesn’t, then it really isn’t a friendship you should waste your time on because it shows where her priorities are (men over friends)

anyways yeah i’ve been well i actually saw her for the first time today since she reached out to me again and it was surprisingly.. really nice.

I FIND PEOPLE WJO PUT THEIR PETS IN CLOTHES AND ALL SO CUTE LIKE YESSS PUT HER IN CUTE LITTLE SHOES PLSSS, i bet she looks rlly cute w her spots, but wouldn’t that maybe mean that she might be a hybrid? either way i hope she is gonna be happy with her new shoes and harness, a little early (?) birthday present!!

[97-liners]

Okay first of all, im defending her because of the content of the fic amd i have personally read it, NOT because she specifically is my friend. And second of all im not asking anyone to become personal friends with authors i didnt even imply that, i mean if ur gonna read an author, looking at gheir page a bit might be helpful but thats optional, now for the last bit if you read the first four paragraphs of a fic and go "oh this isnt for me" then it ISNT for you, dont assume the rest of the fic is bad or it doesnt get better, angst is a genre that exists and it has vsrying levels, just because it isnt for you doesnt mean its disgusting or wrong especially in this context. For example, i like to read angsty fics about dealing with weight issues because of my ed but that doesnt mean its for everyone and it doesnt mean the fic is GLORIFYING anything such as "being skinny" which the fic isnt even about btw

You always go on when people have a counter arguement trying to own them like "oh well this defense train" "oh well your her friend so your biased" i have a working brain dont i ??? I can come to conclusions myself without bias, im coming to you in your asks as a fat person, not as her friend although yes i am going to defend her. If i see bullshit i call it out, if she was in the wrong i wouldve 100% told her that, i think we have talked to each other enough for you to know this about me anyway but all you ever want to do is be in the right about things and blame other people and be self righteous and im kind of sick of defending you for it to my other mutuals but this was definitely the last straw. Slandering people for fics that you personally dislike as opposed to it being ACTUALLY harmful is crossing a pretty big line and this is ridiculous

this entire ask has nothing to do with the previous rant you sent in my inbox or the original anon that was hurt and the subsequent discussions but ok

but since you’re so insistent of me reading the full fic, i did. and i still don’t see how it’s supposed to be an angst fic about overcoming bullying when the entire premise is “i was bullied for being fat, then i lost weight and got really fit and skinny, and now everybody is fawning over me”

this isn’t a “this isn’t for me” reaction, this is a “this is cruel and i feel shitty and ugly reading it” reaction.

from the start, there’s so much emphasis on the contrast between the former self and the better, more attractive and more successful current self. the current self is repeatedly emphasized to be thin and fit.

throughout the entire fic there’s continued references to how attractive both characters are and it’s almost always tied to thinness (eg hoshi’s sharp jaw and muscles)

i understand that maybe this is why you said this is angst about overcoming bullying. but if “overcoming” bullying is you losing a lot of weight and entirely changing your lifestyle and appearance, and “overcoming” is also your former bullies being envious of your success, then that’s a really fucked to message to communicate.

this isn’t a case where writing is bad and i don’t like it, the writing is okay both from a technical standpoint and from a style standpoint. but the content is actively harmful. like, sorry if you can’t see it, or if you think that it’s positive representation of the experience of being bullied. i hope you can overcome that and set healthier expectations.

[bassguitarinablackt-shirt]

Okay i realised i dont talk about my ocs nearly as much as i should on here so have a shitty description of all the main characters to my current wips!!! (also this is me begging for more asks about my writing)

Power doesn't guarantee glory

Oriana Mckoy:if jenna ortegas wednesdaay addams was a 19 year old ace sapphic girl who has had way too much pressure put onto her

Salveria Ramel:silly lil guy (shes a 16 year old girl), was heavily based on my friend worm, is probably autistic, i adore her, you should adore her too.

Alex Ruinde:disaster gay (whos in denial ahout being gay) with abandonment issues

Mathew Mckoy:cinnamon role with an inferiority complex

Aria Allen:chaotic neutral lesbian who would gladly commit arson if given the chance

– – –

Paint analogy

Antoine Villeneuve:noble gentleman in his early 30s who like just learned what emotions are

Vixen Valentine:his dramatic, extroverted, goth best friend who forces him to be social

Celestine Maxwell:eccentric inventor girl who everyone is kind of scared of (she said she was going to dissect their brains, that was just her way of saying she thinks they were interesting)

Arden Clayborne:three goblins in a trench coat trying to act like One Fancy Dude(™️)

Melian Doyle:emo teenager in the body of a 29 year old man, he looks like hes going through his third divorce, in reality hes sleep deprived and on his third cup of coffee

– – –

Six of hearts

Ollie Miller:15 year old bisexual disaster with asthma, go to pick up line is "you take my breath away." (hes also the younger sibling and it shows)

Jackson "Jackie" Miller:gay, deaf, autistic teen boy with severe anxiety (he is the older sibling and it shows

Sage Arlene:short lesbian with pink hair and two dads

Terry Crow:Nonbinary theater kid who survives off of energy drinks

Via Wilson:Sages girlfriend, proof trans girls are fucking beautiful, her and jackie bond over being the introverts of the group

Rosy Moren:One of the rare instances of me writing a character who loves life

– – –

The inhuman fascination with the human mind

Orion:human, but in an inhuman way

Oz:he doesnt talk, but he will glare at you from across the room until you crack under pressure and run away, pretends they dont care about the others, spoiler alert:they do!

Opal:my darling, god help my poor darling, why did i give them such awful friends

Nathalie:inhuman, but in a human way

– – –

The sparks of hope that lead to fires of change

Casimir:carefree prince dude whos life wouldve been so much better if he was born into a normal, nonroyal family

Fletcher:spoiled brat who has committed murder

Celeste:girlboy who works day and night and night and day, no matter how she tries its all the same, they breeze on by, and hes left behind (if any of you got that reference marry me)

Alistair:stern knight dude whos life wouldve been better if their dad wasnt a knight

Cordelia:tall, mysterious, elegant woman whos intimidating and yet strangely motherly, she found a bunch of teens who had been screwed over by the royal family's existence and went "im taking you in. youre all my children now."

Rigil:pretty chill, down to earth dude, its pretty easy to forget that hes part of a group of criminals

Cyrus:emo teenager. (complimentary)

Fredge:pure chaos in the body of a 15 year old enby

Tip:bloody little girl

[fruitpunchjollyrancher]

my shitty treatise on "ants from up there" and gale dekarios

this is the gale album of all time. and i WILL elaborate. (also warning im only posting this because i have been obsessed with this fucking album and gale for a WEEK and need it out of my brain. im probably not going to explain too many lyrics and i get nervous expressing my ideas because tbf to me it seems quite obvious but ofc i can explain, assuming anybody reads this post)

"Concorde" immediately stood out to me like oh this is so gale. i dont even think i need to explain how gale this is. the rest of the song is super gale too, i just don't want to include screenshots of the entire song

"Bread Song" has a LOT of worship imagery and also below alluding to appearing fine but rlly inside he is not well <3

oh my god. "Good Will Hunting". the mentorship but also wanting her to depend on him a little but it's unfeasible, weaving a whole life in his head that can never be because mystra will never see him as an equal... also the pre-chorus 👍 i am so well

"Haldern"... i literally dont know how to explain my feelings about this song in relation to gale pls someone tell me u see the vision

"The Place Where He Inserted the Blade" is more headcanon/my interpretation but im just gonna focus on the parts that i think everyone can agree on. first 2 lines arent super applicable to mystra but ig i can rationalize it as her being detached from the world/not rlly participating (i.e. why didnt mystra just stop the absolute herself (im aware its because ao doesn't like it when they meddle, im smoking that true forgotten realms pack trust me)). but the MAIN part of this song that is so gale to me is the vines breaking bones, bones heal, our school friends sign our cast on the playground, my body is yours. like holy shit being a chosen of mystra is a huge fucking deal and despite the pain it can cause (that he doesnt even notice because "tied me up slow with your vine stuff / it takes a few years") but it's definitely encouraged among wizards/mages in any circles he was in and by elminster ("we tell all our school friends / and they sign our cast in the playground"), then of course the last line breaks my heart. rest of the song is also rlly fucking good please listen to this album.

"Snow Globes" has more religious imagery but tbh i dont know precisely how i feel about it in relation to gale so im just gonna skip it

"Basketball Shoes" shows a more hopeful future but still #suffering because thats just how it is. concorde being mystra/his relationship to her tears his life to shreds, defines his life, leaving him with nothing. keeps seeing her everywhere (wizard stuff, his damn earring, he's always saying "by mystra" like bro you're intersecting at the market town on purpose atp (i get it)). i interpret the part after that line break (idk why genius doesnt just say its a different verse, don't quote me on this idk anything about music theory) as post-game where he's still Not Great but it's better and moving on, there is a future. doesn't look to mystra anymore (throughout album especially in good will hunting and bread song the s/o is mentioned through headphones, wifi passwords, phone calls, so "never look at our phones anymore" means he isn't thinking of her anymore or trying to curry her favor).

alsoooo should mention that i didn't include the part of "The Place Where He Inserted the Blade" that mentions a lunch metaphor in relation to panic attacks and possible cheating so the "feelin kinda normal with a packed lunch" is doubly meaningful, he isn't freaking out while making lunch anymore

this verse is tav (or whoever u romance as gale origin idgaf)/gale as he is trying to find a new object of devotion in his romance. "the clamp" could be many things, from reminders of mystra to all his perceived inadequacies to lost opportunity to become a god w/ the crown of karsus.

third section of the song im kind of undecided on w/ gale like we got the religious imagery again, could interpret "generous loan/crippling interest" as mystra's deal for him to return the crown of karsus in exchange for no orb. but yea idk yet

and that is the entire album (- chaos space marine, i didn't really think of anything related to gale when listening to it but it's still a great song, PLEASE listen to this album). so yeah if im horribly wrong on any of my takes be sure to send me hatemail k thanks bye

[actaea-p-y]

The Demiplane of Dril (5e)

Soth Literally Any Darklord: now i will be the first to admit that im an irredeemable son of a bitch/. however, i am also a piece of shit with no brain.

Strahd: girls always love to telling people not to" Mansplain" but they do not care of, "Man's Pain"

Harkon: Politic's is back baby. It's good again. Awoouu (wolf Howl)

Ivana: twitter is granting me the world's first Dark Verified Account because shit pumps through my veins like blood and i have a shitty attitude

Ivan: Im not playing games with your ass. Anser my god damn emails or i will fuck up your world

Vladeska: i can be a friend of you. but piss me off and i will become your Enemy. The Art of War

Wilfred: damn it to piss. my wife replaced all of my anti-wife reading materials with Pro-Wife bullshit

Jacqueline: fairly confident that even if i became a rat some how, i still would not want to fuck any of the other rats

Saidra: Sovereign Citizens Getting Owned Compilation

Lemot: ((SPILLING BLOOD ALL OVER KEYBOARD) THIS IS WHAT U WANT. THIS IS WHAT U FUCKING BASTARDS WANT RIGHT (1 WEEK LATER) WHY ARE THE KEYS STICKING Ankhtepot: you ever see one of those preserved bog men or mummies on the news and think "now theres a guy who looks like he got an ass kicking"

Tristen: mother nature and father time arre not real. theyre fake people who were invented to explain trees and clocks to shitheads

Viktra: oh youve been to therapy? Dumb. yeah you havent even scratched the surface of my Level. i bet none of you even know your own brain weight

Pietra: my body is 70% water mother fucker. guns cannot harm me

Ramya: sending special kind of energy to my followers that is good/poweful energy normally but immediately becomes dog shit energy if you betray me

Hazlik: the desert has never helped any one and i am going to go throw poison at it

Caroline: *all horrors begotten by the desire of man flash before eyes* woha! this is awkward *the cries of millions suffering echo* Damn That's Weird

The God-Brain: the air is rusty and im dead

Chiang: people please, all i ask for is one town hall meeting which doesnt reference The Matrix

Chakuna: some of mother fuckers think to win the Dumb Ass award is a GOOD thing!

Azalin: *reclines in chair a nd ages 2 ,000 years instantly turning into a skeleton and then pile of shit* ah everything's going according to plan

[epaily]

first 8 hours of totk review :D

SPOILERS UNDER CUT

that was the coolest intro to any game ive ever seen, loved starting w 30 hearts and full stamina especially bc that wasnt possible without glitches in botw

do not reconize matt mercers voice at ALL

i thought link losing his arm was very cohesive!!! lovelove love that thats how we lose hearts

i love everything about rauru

top portion of the map is absolutely gorgeous. the fall colours are beautiful. the constructs are creative and blend in well artistically and narratively. theres cooking pots everywhere. its still large but a blip on the map comparatively and very mountainy so its very good to explore and find secrets. scratches my brain

it didnt take me 5 weeks to do the tutorial this time around :D

speaking of map, it looks fucking huge. i dont think its bigger then the botw map but the area borders are different and its throwing me way off

how do i fucking drive some of these things

every time i see an item i reconize its like greeting an old friend i havent seen in a while

and every time i see a new thing im both pleasently surprised and at ease, like im meeting someone for the first time but we immediately click

and every time i see something mildly incorrect im either sad or discombobulated. i walk past a place where i know theres a shrine in botw because ive seen it a thousand times, and theres no shrine. i dont know where they went, just sunk into the ground again? they should still be standing just dead and not glowing and inaccessable imo :((

speaking of shrine THERES ZONAI SHRINES!!!!!!! they follow p much the exact pattern as botw shrines. overall so far i prefer the aesthetic of botw shrines more.

at the end instead of spirit orbs you get "light of blessings" and i stumbled over typing it because i 100% think it should be blessings of light. light of blessings sounds incorrect.

why is there a fuckign fairy fountain right outside dueling peaks stable.

WHAT IS THAT GIANT KING BOKO WHAT. WHAT.

blood moons are still a thing unfortunately and its much sharper and scarier looking this time around

its very weird not having my champion abilities. or 3 wheels of stamina. and everything hurts. where is my paraglider. WHY CANT I GLIDE THIS FEELS SO WRONG

take a shot every time i fall off a cliff

theres tunnels to the center of the earth that instakill you

it isnt "malice" anymore its called gloom now. im still calling it malice.

the abilities links prosthetic arm give him are legit so fun. a bit janky and they take some time to get used to but im having a good time. all i can make is a shitty little car i cant steer. im having a great time.

im not playing this as cohesively as i did botw. walking right past quest markers and things. the way i played botw means by the time i would have gotten the master cycle there would be nothing left for me to do to use it with. i doubt it will be the same but i want stuff to do post game

im not fucking finding a thousand korok seeds again. not for a very long time. i laughed maniacally after the first one and then stopped at 7. they have backpacks bigger rhen they are its adorable.

lots of new weapons

fuse is my favorite ability

shiekah slate is now called the "purah pad" which doesnt roll off the tongue as nice. do you think link was pissed when zelds made him give the slate back. do you think he misses cryonis blocks. because i definitely fucking miss my cryonis blocks

theres been fucking crows outside my window being loud as hell this whole post

lurelin village got invaded and swamped by pirates :((((

my least favorite armor set, the luminous gimp suit is being sold for free in kakariko and im kinda mad about it

paya is chief of kakariko now :D

i had a few more but im tired now zzzz

[lady-jane-screams]

keeping a log of every shitty thing I can remember my dad doing or that he does presently bc there is just so so so much here's the start:

edating a girl my age or younger than me & thinking hes so slick hiding it when both his daughters have been aware for months, we compare him to adam levine's dms

texting said girl during an expensive concert with me RIGHT THERE

texting said girl right in front of my mother who has vision issues & could go blind if she doesnt find an effective medication for her eyes to prevent worsening eyesight

calling said girl petnames & literally shouting at my mother or slamming shit down when she just asks how he's doing/if he finished working on something

complains that my sister & i dont respect him when he purposely does shit we ask him not to then laughs when we get frustrated

has almost killed the dog by feeding him shit we've told him is basically poison for dogs & still feeds the dog human food

taking pictures of my sister & sending them to random ass men he somehow sort of knows online

sending me bodyshaming facebook memes while also ignoring & rejecting the slightest hint that I had an ED like it was too traumatic for his brain to remember when he wasnt present at all for it & also made me relapse

relapse incident: got mad at me for telling my mom that he was shit-talking her to family friends endlessly when she just called in every day to check on him & told him not to spend much money bc she was the only one making any at that time. got drunk, yelled at me until 3am, filled the fridge with nothing but shit i cannot eat + beer, & broke down my car so i was stuck inside too afraid to do anything with him around plus I literally did not have food to consume

says i should cover up to go running (I.e. not go in a sports bra) when its literally 95° & 85% humidity like he doesnt wander out shirtless in 80°

more to come bc ive been thinking of doing these for a while & i feel like having a list ready will come in handy at some point in the future

[toadboatt]

Ranting like this is my diary

Feel free to ignore

nsfw themes yall, im a shitty adult struggling with shitty adult shit.

I dont think im a good person.

WHY DO I BLAME HOW OTHERS REACT ON MYSELF EVERY SINGLE TIME???? WE BROKE UP 3 MONTHS AGO. THREE.

I know that's not that long, but i had been struggling in our relationship for the past 3 years. THREE. YEARS. We were together for 9 almost

Plus, he's not attracted to men. I told him im trans so he knows there's no more future for us(his words). So why does he make me feel bad for talking to someone new??? I dont know maybe im the fucking asshole. But i also dont know how to feel about it? My ex is lowkey not a great person but i want to be friends with him still... but not if hes saying misogynistic things to me still and being gross. Like he wants to sleep with me still and i told him i have a friend whose interested in me but lives far and my ex HAS THE NERVE to say

"If you sleep with them and they have a penis, let me know so we can stop having sex" (we've only had sex ONCE post breakup)

And i said "alright, but would you feel the same about it if they had a vagina?"

He said "no, i dont care about that. Just if theres a penis involved"

????????????????

SO YOURE TELLING ME. YOUR MIND IS THAT GROSS. AND YOU DONT RESPECT ME THAT MUCH. SINCE YOU CARE. ABOUT. THAT. Mind you. Before we had sex i was a virgin. So he wants it to only be his "domain" or whatever which is DISGUSTING imo especially since we arent together and IM NOT EVEN HIS ANYMORE.

Just overall gross. But of course i have no fucking SPINE and i just got sad about it until after when i realized i shouldve been LIVID. I dont even want to fuck him anymore im so over it but i feel guilty and like i owe him but i know i dont i literally know i dont owe him shit.

But We were together for so long i feel like a terrible person i feel like a terrible person.

Doesnt mention how mad i am at myself because the person im talking to is so sweet and they seem to care about me but im also so nervous that this wont work out. Plus we only just recently started really talking but i want to rip my fucking hair out. I feel like they deserve better than me...

i just want to stop existing overall. My brain hurts and i dont even know myself anymore or whose in control of my body, i feel like im floating and nothing matters and i cant even tell anyone because i feel like im going insane and i just want to scream and cry and not feel or think anything anymore. Im at fucking work and im too pathetic to even do anything ive been sitting here upset all fucking day and just over it. Im fucking over it im fucking over it.

If you made it to here. Why? What was the purpose? What did you gain? Nothing? I guess the same could be said for the fact that im writing this expecting everyone to ignore it.

So toad. What did you gain? What was this for?