#if only i had realized before that tracing it would take me literally 2 minutes...im but a fool............

[xumoonhao]

say the name! seventeen!

[hoodiewithhorns]

━  using your safeword scenarios p.3 !★

genre : hurt/comfort smut.

characters : f! reader x sakusa, matsukawa, kenma

p.1  + p.2 + m.sterlist + requests  

(please read the rules before requesting ty.)

▼ cw : not proof read, use of safeword, neglect , unprotected sex, degradation , clit spanking ( 1 ), impact play ( sakusas part ), mentions of exe(s), caught masturbation (reader) , pillow humping, thigh riding, implied punishment, kinda crybaby reader, implied cockwarming, cheating (?), angst, established relationship, all characters are 18+, MDNI ▲

different safewords used this time <3

- ty to the anons and user @/please-take-me-to-the-moon for the scenarios <3 

sakusa 

word count : 1.4k

you knew better than to do this, humping your dearly beloved boyfriends pillow with just your cotton panties, a loose shirt with no bra under, like a bitch in heat, desperate for friction of any kind. You knew if he had caught you like this he would punish you that was guaranteed. however, in the literal heat of the moment you didn’t care. sakusa’s constant pattern of coming home the minute you were already fast asleep in your shared bed, never being able to fill the void of need in your little cunt. 

〜　☆

Considering he’d let this slide since its been a month since you’ve two have done anything sexual, these thoughts only making you hump his pillow even more desperate leaving a pool of your arousal staining his pillow, with the occasional soft whimpers of his name. losing yourself in your own lust, You didn’t hear the sound of the door clicking open.

Sakusa, leaving his practice early since his performance was unfavorable by the shitty mood he was in, lashing out on his teammates for the smallest things they’d do and so many more. in short, his team suggested he’d stay home t’ill he cooled down. 

“y/n? i’m home.”he walked around the empty apartment accompanied by the muffles of your soft moans, trying to find you as quickly as possible, obviously knowing it was you. he opened the bedroom door slowly and quietly. his eyes grew wide at the scene in front of him. 

still not noticing his presence in the door frame you continued humping his pillow feeling your high approach, but leave you since you needed him. 

“tch.” clicking his tongue at you in disapproval. you flinched letting go of his pillow to face him, feeling your heart race when you made eye contact with him, arms folded and a look of disgust planted on his pale face. Your eyes already filling up with tears knowing what comes next. “m’ y-yoomi! w-welcome home-”

“who the fuck gave you permission to touch yourself?” cutting you off, walking towards the bed, he pinned you down to the bed, arms on your sides, hovering over you with his dead, cold, heartless gaze cutting through you, as you tried to look away in shame only earning you a slap to the face to make you look at him. the sting causing you to choke out a sob. praying internally that he’d let you off the hook just this once. you were just needy for him.he has to understand that, right?

“answer me, right.now.”

“n-no one yoomi... i’m s-sorry please don’t wanna be punished!” you pleaded to him only making him more angrier. he grabbed your jaw making you whimper at the tight grip. scanning you top to bottom, eyeing at the wet patch on your underwear. 

“then why did you huh? couldn’t wait until i got home couldn’t you? needy fucking thing.” he tutted, letting go of your jaw harshly, tugging your panties down to your knees already feeling impatient himself by how his cock hardened through his shorts. despite wanting to punish you, he wanted you. needed you to be precise.

 the man hasn’t felt you in a whole month how could he not miss his girlfriends tight slutty cunt? removing his volleyball shorts letting his cock spring free, he strokes himself a few times before lining himself against your cunt, letting a small sigh when you felt his hard tip touch your soaked entrance. 

feeling slightly relief you were finally gonna feel him after so long. That feeling of relief however didn’t last long when he slammed his fat cock inside you without warning. you let out a yelp, hands immediately going to his chest hoping for him to not bruise your cervix from how deep he was already. he growled when he felt your palms try and stop him, so he slapped your hands away roughly marking them red. 

“b-but yoomi please it hurts..it h-hurts” 

you figured he didn’t hear you. but he was too focused on punishing you to care if it hurt or not. so you pleaded again for him to slow down. finally getting a response from him.

“shut up you disgusting whore.you brought this on yourself, touching yourself while your boyfriends away.”

“...dirtying up his fucking pillow while he’s gone. how fucking pathetic.”  he spits, slapping your clit harshly in attempt to get you to shut up. his degrading not having a hint of reassurance anywhere like it usually does when he fucks you. normally, he’d call you his “slut” or his whore but never ever calling you a disgusting one at most, what did this mean?..you asked yourself, mind going hazy with fear. feeling like your boyfriend finds you disgusting for your actions, and not a single trace of love or concern for you, not even noticing how you tried inching yourself away from his pace. 

sakusa was a mean dom yes, but he cared about you and your boundaries and right now it seemed like he didn’t care about any of those.

too focused on his own pleasure, not realizing you slowly started to breakdown in front of him, hands to your eyes shaken from how hard he hit them, as more tears fell to stain your cheeks.

“n-no not disgusting..i-i’m...so sorry..sakusa..just missed you.” you muttered no longer feeling the long needed pleasure of his cock, only feeling a painful discomfort in your chest as if your heart was gonna burst out of it at any minute. he was caught off-guard by you calling him by his last name, but that didn’t stop the brutal pace on your sloppy cunt. repositioning his hand to your hips digging his nails in your sides, bound to leave marks to be seen in the morning. 

“addressing me by my last name? what you think thats gonna make things better?”he muses, his pace speeding up making you whimper. you’ve just about had enough.

“germs! g-germs! no more, i don’t like this!! y-you’re hurting m-me sakusa... please s-stop..stop.” screaming your safeword, trying to get him off you, you pushed with the little strength in you with your fragile hands. it wasn’t enough but he got the message. blinking a few times to make sure he processed the current situation.

he sighed pulling his cock out watching you with wolf eyes as you softly cried to yourself, turning to your side. he didn’t say anything he just laid down beside you. sneaking an arm around your waist, face buried in your neck. he planted some soft kisses onto it trying to make you relax. if he was being brutally honest, he didn’t know what to do.

you never used your safeword and even if it didn’t show in his face, he was pretty frightened. watching you tense up and shake around him all because of him.

“ y-yoomi..im sorry-”

“don’t be.”

he rubs your hands with his thumb in slow but comforting circles, seeing its still red from being slapped away by him, along with him kissing your cheek to simmer down the sting from earlier. god he felt so bad, but was so scared at the same time, all he wanted to do was hold you close..

..and thats what he did, watching you curl up to his chest. The room was silent for a few minutes that felt like hours gone by. you looked up at him with the look you always gave him. Full of love and adoration even with puffy eyes and hurt in your chest you still loved him.

He looked down noticing the soft smile you gave him as if nothing happened. Titling his head in confusion he asks

“why are you smiling? aren’t you upset..at me?”

you shook your head at him, “no yoomi I’m not mad. My body kinda hurts yes, but I’m glad to have you home...i missed you so much I’m sorry i touched myself without permission...”

he lightly smiles at you kissing your lips softly.

“it’s okay. tomorrow we’ll have the day all to ourselves and we can do whatever you want my love. I’m sorry i was so mean... i was having a bad day and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”

you paused leaning in closer to his chest as you mumbled.

“can we...take a bath together yoomi?”

“oh sure...here i’l carry you.”

needless to say, you forgave him and gave him one last kiss before going to bed.

kenma

word count : 886

kenmas work schedule was god awful since he was practically up to play games and just that leaving you feeling needy and neglected. you hated it. 

but tonight you were just, so needy and couldn’t stand this constant neglect.

No matter how many times you touched yourself of grind against something it couldn’t compare to the way kenma would stuff you with his cock.

he wasn’t a super harsh dom leaning towards a mix of soft and mean, but he still prioritized your needs before his. and tonight you were gonna get that version of kenma.

walking towards the couch he was playing his games at slowly, with nothing but his hoodie and knee highs. you bit your lip standing in front of him, fiddling your thumbs out of nervousness. He titled his head to remove you from his line of sight to see the tv screen better making your heart ache just a little, being so used to it already.

taking a deep breath you sat in between on of his thighs wrapping your arms around his neck making him let out a groan of annoyance to your needy antics.

he continued to play his game acting as if you weren’t there and nothing changed. it all came to a halt when he felt you grinding on his thigh, letting out small cries of his name.

“baby.... please” you mumbled facing his disinterested face not even sharing a glance at you as he continued to move his thumbs around his controllers joystick. He didn’t even pay mind to the fact you were borderline naked either.

“five minutes pretty girl.” he muttered still too absorbed in his game. You pouted shifting your legs to be wrapped around him now, wet cunt on top of his crotch rubbing against him lightly. Making him flinch at the sudden friction. giving you hope he’d give you what you want now. you smirked continuing to grind against him making him bite back a grunt. 

“ugh what are you doing?” he said clearly annoyed by your antics already.

your face became red while placing your hands on his shoulders slowly starting to grind against his growing bulge. “want your attention kenma please need you so bad.” you begged hoping he’d give you something anything really.

but being kenma, he went back to his video games. your pout returning once more. “but kenma, please i really really need you.” you continued with your antics and he paused his game, putting his controller on the coffee table. 

“fine you want me so fucking bad?” he grabs you by the hips making you yelp as he throws you down the couch. back hitting the cushions while he takes your legs and wraps them around his waist.

he pulls down his sweats pumping himself a few times as he rolls his head back, holding back his grunts. he slowly slides his cock into you, being easy to do considering how wet you were already for him. 

he groans as he bottoms out inside you starting steady, but slowly picking up the pace to be more..brutal.

“k-kenma..m’ feels good thank you thank you” you rambled out praises making him grab you by the throat to thrust into you faster. 

“god you’re so fucking annoying bothering me because you wanted to get your cunt stuffed like a little slut while i fucking work.” he scoffs making your eyes shoot open at him.

“such a fucking annoying little slut.” he continues his degradation thr grip on your throat not loosening. you felt you eyes grow teary as he continued to call you more vulgar names with the sprinkle of him calling you annoying. 

“ c-console...” you mumbled wrapping your hands on his wrists, making him let go of your throat. he froze getting closer to your face as he pulls out slowly.

“huh? Whats wrong does it hurt?” he asks rubbing away your tears with the pad of his thumb. 

your lip quivered as more tears started to form. “...i-im annoying...?” you looked him in his eyes as more broken sobs leave you.

“I just wanted some attention kenma...you’re always so busy sometimes I don’t even think you remember i exist..” you muttered feeling small under his cat like stare. 

he sighed kissing your cheek, falling to your. side feeling his breath hit your neck. “sorry baby i swear i didn’t mean it...you’re not annoying its my fault for not giving you attention.” he admits as you wrap around him. 

“y-you promise you didn’t mean it?” you ask once more. he sneaks a hand under your head to lift you up to his chest, patting your head softly. 

“ i promise. here why don’t you sit on my lap, we can do that thing you wanted to try last week...” he looks away embarrassed, you tilt your head in confusion but then realize what he was referring to. you nodded joyfully wrapping your arms around his neck, he adjusts himself for you to line up to take him. he  slowly puts you back down on his cock. hissing at the returning feeling.

He smiled kissing your forehead lightly as he hugged you tight. 

“better my love?”

“mhm mhm!” you said placing your head on his shoulder as you relax into him. slowly drifting away into sleep. its not much, but at-least it stuffs your very needy cunt.

matsukawa 

word count : 615

what lead to this? you two were just on a simple date together at a nearby mall shopping together, looking at upcoming movies, stopping by a few manga stores and bakeries to treat yourselves. overall, just enjoying the time shared together. 

that is t’ill the two of ran into your ex. issei watching the two of you talk to each other not realizing how uncomfortable you really were, hiding it with a friendly facade of course going unnoticed by him since he was practically death glaring your ex. 

he was basically third wheeling in your conversation with your ex. you would side eye issei hoping he’d pull you out of your situation but it was too late since his mind was cloudy with jealousy and rage.  

now, leading up to your current predicament. a heavy make-out now leading to a degradation fest.  

“aw whats wrong little slut can’t take me, fucking pathetic much?” he teases pounding you at a faster pace. “can’t believe my own fucking girlfriend was just there being all friendly to her ex..what don’t tell me you still want him?” he muses making you rapidly shake your head. 

“ no i don’t i swear issei..just wan’ you..”you muttered eyes growing puffy from how cruel he spoke to you as he continued to suggest away of how would get him back since it seemed like you missed him from how friendly you were acting.

growing quiet at his words trying to tune out his words. it’ll all be over soon anyways, you just had to hold on a bit you told yourself. of course you were an idiot for letting him keep going. 

“ maybe i should go ask how kimi’s doing act all friendly and nice towards her.” you tuned into what issei had said in horror at what he just said.

kimi, his much prettier ex who t’ill this day wasn’t over him and he knew this. throwing it in your face as he darkly chuckled at you. you removed your arms that were wrapped around his neck pulling him close. and cupped your face in your hands at the thought of your boyfriend going back to his ex. leaving you alone again.

he wouldn’t right? even though she was much prettier in every feature she had compared to you. he wouldn’t right..? right? 

“f-funeral...“you sniffled making him stop all his movements and lock eyes with you. your safeword ringing in his ears. 

“hey..hey no i didn’t mean it...” he quickly pulls you towards him, pulling you out of him and hugging you tight. he rocks you softly back and forth in his embrace letting all your bottle up feelings burst onto him.  he quick to comfort you and pepper a few kisses on your face.

“ issei..” you mumbled against his chest. he rubs your back looking down at you.

“yes baby..?” his voice shaken with worry hoping you weren’t too mad at him.

“ i-i don’t miss him.. i was only being nice..i was uncomfortable talking to him why didn't you..” he internally punches himself for being so blind and not being able to see by all your movements how uncomfortable you were just breathing the same air as your ex.

he was too blinded by his jealousy to realize his poor baby was scared. he mumbled a curse before apologizing.

“i’m sorry baby i didn’t realize he was making you uncomfortable i should've done something..” his eyes wander away from you.

“ i was just jealous..” he admits

“but issei.. you’re all i want.” you say kissing his cheek and he smiles gracefully. 

“am i-i all you want sei?”

“ duh pretty baby. everything  i want and need.”

matsukawas is so short i’m so sorry ahhhh but i hope u all enjoyed <3

[marktuansvevo]

warning(s); slight cursing, 90s au, lapslock

word count; 1299

another’s note; hi loves and happy halloween! i hope everybody is having fun and staying safe! here’s part two of the autumn dates collection! i hope you all enjoy <3

“I haven’t ridden a bike in so long,” you said to jaebeom as you snuggled the phone between your cheek and shoulder. you played with the cord as you let the man on the other side talk you into a fifth date with him (not that it took much convincing).

“cmon, y/n, no one forgets how to ride a bike,” you could hear him laughing at your statement. “its almost winter, we should enjoy the pretty fall weather. please?” he paused, waiting for an answer. “I’ll even buy you ice cream, darling.”

you couldn’t help but giggle at the onslaught of butterflies that just erupted in your lower tummy at the petname he just called you.

“okay...fine. but I want to rent a pink bike.”

“done and done. pick you up on saturday at 2?”

“sounds perfect.”

“okay, see you soon, darling,” you know he purposefully drew out the word. he knew exactly how to make your cheeks red and you loved that about him.

today was the first date you hadn’t been at least sorta dressed up to see jaebeom. you were nervous that he wouldn’t like you in some adidas shorts and a ponytail, but as if on cue, jaeboem knocked on the door, pulling you out of your insecure thoughts. you smiled before throwing your arms around him. you didn’t care if it was too early. you weren’t even official yet....but he made you feel things you never knew you could feel.

“missed you, beom,” you whispered, letting him hold you.

“missed you too,” you saw his cheeks were dusted a light pink at your actions. “now cmon, we’re burning daylight!!”

you let him take your hand and lead you to his beat up pickup truck, where he opened the door for you. you blushed. you felt like a teenager. no person had ever made you feel this special, and you didn’t want this feeling to end anytime soon.

“now, I picked a trail that isn’t too hilly, since you haven’t been biking in a minute. and it’s only four miles from that ice cream place I was telling you about.”

“you really think of everything, huh?” you marveled out loud, looking out the window as you hummed along to only wanna be with you which was playing on the radio. jaeboem looked over at you before taking your hand and kissing it as he sang along, “been looking for a girl like you.”

the rest of the ride to the park was spent like that, jaebeom’s thumb tracing patterns on the back of your hand while the two of you shyly sang top 40 songs.

you both walked into the cute little bike shop. “hi, how can we help you?” the salesmen asks.

“we just wanted to rent some bikes for the afternoon. oh, do you have any pink bikes in my girl’s size? that’s what she’s demanding.”

“hey!!”

“she literally won’t go on this date if you don’t have one man, you gotta help me out,” your boyfriend said to the salesman who hooted. “I happen to have one in your size, maam, if you wanna follow me.”

“it’s perfect! thank you so much, now I can confidently go on this date,” you played along as boem paid the man and walked out of the shop.

“pink really is your color, darling.”

“you’re just saying that to make me blush,” you said as you blushed. he sniggered.

“I can’t help that you’re cute. now cmon, let’s hit the trail.”

the trail was beautiful and really let you clear your head of any thoughts that didn’t involve the man in front of you. you looked out at the river, at the trees with pretty orange, red and yellow leaves hanging on them, at the elderly couple walking their dog. it was one of those days where nothing could bring down your mood....it was serendipitous...

...until the frog.

jaebeom had told you that you were close to the ice cream stand about five minutes ago. you were thinking about mint chocolate chip when all of a sudden, a bull frog hops in front of your path. you let out a scream and swerved out of the frogs way,  crashing your bike in the process.

“y/n!” jaebeom exclaimed. “oh my god are you okay.”

do not cry do not cry do not cry, you willed yourself as you looked down at the blood pouring out of both your knees. you would not be dramatic on your fifth date with this wonderful person.

“I...I’m okay...”

“oh, honey that looks like it hurts....” he said softly. “hey, there’s a general store right next to the ice cream parlor. I’ll be back with some antiseptic and bandaids, okay?”

“don’t take too long,” you whispered.

you watched as he jogged over the the store. it was a good twenty minutes before he came jogging back.

“okay, I got a washcloth and antiseptic, and a water bottle. will you let me clean it, y/n?”

you just nodded your head. “it hasn’t stopped bleeding since you left.”

“this might sting, darling. tell me if it hurts.” jaebeom pours some water onto the washcloth, cleaning your wound. as soon as the blood stopped flowing out of the scrapes, jaeboem squeezes a generous amount of the medicine onto his pointer and middle fingers before applying it to your open wound. you winced are the sting, begging yourself not to cry once more. you don’t even know why you were so worked up.

jaebeom didn’t even look up as he continued to apply the medicine, which you were grateful for as tears freely flowed down your face. “alright, how’s that feel- oh, y/n are you crying?? did that hurt too bad?”

“I..I’m sorry i don’t know why im so worked up. I just...” you sighed as he pulled you into his lap, wrapping your arms around his neck to hide. “I feel like a fucked this whole  date up. and now you have a crying girl in your lap,” he shushed you gently, placing a kiss to your temple.

“darling, you didn’t fuck anything up. im still having fun, just sitting here admiring the pretty trees with the prettiest girl in the world, you know?” he wiped your tears away, smiling a bit. “now stop crying. you know what else I bought at the store?”

“hm?���

“one of those cheap, disposable cameras. I wanted to commemorate this day,” he smiled wide. “because I wanted to have a picture of us the day I asked you to officially be my girlfriend.”

“wait, really?” your smile widened. “are you being serious, beom?”

“of course I am!! should I not have?” he asked with a pout.

“oh, jaebeom of course I will be!” you giggled before pulling him into you and kissing him fully on the lips. he tasted like cinnamon. you just realized it was your first kiss with him. he smiled against your lips.

“mmm, you taste sweet, baby,” he teased, pecking your lips once more. “now, lean in to me so I can take our picture.” you leaned in close to him, smiling at the camera as he placed a kiss to your cheek. your eyes were probably closed from happy embarrassment.

“when you develop those, will you make me a copy?”

“sure, baby. now cmon, let me buy you some mint chocolate ice cream.”

“uhhh..mint choco? no thanks baby, I’ll stick with pumpkin.”

your boyfriend (that had a nice ring to it, you thought to yourself) looked at you with a look of distaste. “ohhh...I retract my offer to be your boyfriend.”

“hey!!”

[tommyquackson]

Getting Me a Little Bit | t. holland | part 2

Not My Gif

summary: toms an angel but his life begins changing when he meets one of the most dangerous monsters he’s ever heard of, you. angel!tom and demon!au

warnings: cursing, uh angels? blood and stuff

note: yea idek why i made a part 2 tbh but make sure y’all request!!!

Walking into the Office of Heavenly Affairs, Tom is nervous. Y/ns walking next to him, somehow acting confident and innocent at the same time. She has a small smile on her face and a file in her small hands and she’s leading Tom through the building like she’s been here multiple times before. It isn’t until they arrive into the Demon and Unholy Creatures Department that he realizes y/ns winging this whole thing. He watches her as they both walk up to the secretary’s desk. The secretary, Harmony, recognizes Tom, but her face twists in confusion when her eyes meet Y/n.

“Tom, they’re almost ready for you in the conference room. May I ask who you are?” Harmony speaks to y/n.

“Harmony, I know i’m not down in this division a lot, but I do find it insulting that you don’t remember me. But I forgive you.” Y/n smiles sweetly, showing a ID badge with her name and picture on it. Harmonys eyes widen in shock.

“I’m sorry, I don’t think we’ve met” Harmony speaks. Y/n sighs and rests on her elbows on the desk, looking into Harmonys eyes. It’s only a few seconds but suddenly Harmonys face flashes with recognition.

“Ms. Y/n! My deepest apologies, i don’t know where my mind has gone, please forgive me. Are you on official business with Agent Holland?” She smiles typing things into her computer.

“Yes I am, it was great seeing you again.” Y/n smiles, tapping the desk before looking at Tom and winking and walking away and towards the conference room where the meeting will be held.

She waits at the door for Tom and he pulls it open, straightening his collar while walking in. He and Y/n walk up to the table and sit down.

“Ah, Agent Holland, im fairly busy today so- oh, who is this?” One of his directors speak now looking at y/n, who immediately stands and hands the file over.

“Hi, I’m Y/n over at the Government Division, as you know, our reports show there’s a suspected 434 demons and other unspeakable creatures in the government in New York City alone, not including Lower Statten Island, but once we tackle our larger issues we’ll take care of the smaller challenges. Anyway, I was doing work in Hell’s Kitchen last night and realized you had field agents stationed there, specifically in The Devil, a popular nightclub. Now that’s not his fault, but it is yours because it has come to my attention that you haven’t alerted us or anyone for that matter about suspected demon activity, now as you know that’s a serious offense and I would hate to see a lot of your hard work be wasted simply because you were careless on a small intel project.” She finishes and looks sweetly at all the Angels sitting on the opposite of the table.

“We sent Agent Holland because we believe there to be a succubus in that nightclub, we didn’t think we’d have to alert anyone about our own mission. What did you say your name was again?” The first Director speaks up, looking her up and down.

“What is it with you guys today? Is there something in the water? Y/n with the Government Division. Have you not been getting my memos?” She puts her hand on her hip and looks at all of them.

“Uh no, I mean yes mam we have, but we had a credible lead that-“

“Well your lead isn’t as credible as you think, Tom, please give them the status report from last night.” She looks at Tom and nods.

“Oh uh, upon entering I saw no suspicious activity, everything was surprisingly human. I was there for a while and no trace or word of a succubus in that club,” Tom gulps, he hadn’t realized how much he didn’t think of what he was going to tell them.

“Great, so, I think you it’s safe to say you can stay out of GDs jurisdiction and we can avoid stepping on each other wings. It was lovely seeing all of you, see you at the Christmas gathering.” Y/n speaks, grabbing the file back and walking out of the room.

Tom is dismissed immediately after and jogs to catch up with her.

“What was in that file, they believed everything you were saying,” Tom gasps.

“Oh it’s empty, i just projected whatever I was saying onto the file and it appeared, simple illusions. Now shall we go get lunch?” She smiles, clothes changing as soon as she steps out of the stark white building.

—

2 weeks later and Tom has been hanging out with the literal spawn of satan nearly everyday. Except for last week when Y/n disappeared for 4 days and came back looking a little worse for wear. She demanded Tom to not talk about it or even question her when she arrived at his place.

Toms been neglecting his heavenly duties to spend more time with her. Although it always made him sick when she brought men to his place while he was out for a bit. He hoped it wouldn’t be a regular occurrence in the future.

He hadn’t seen her today however, she said yesterday that she had important things to do and wasn’t sure when she’d be back. She seemed annoyed at whatever she had to do, but Tom held his tongue.

He sat in his living room, eating spaghetti and watching a beautiful nature documentary. The polar bear cubs struggling to find food always struck a cord in Tom, it seemed so cruel and unfair. He watched as camera men followed penguins and seals around for 5 months and analyzed their behavior.

He’s interrupted by a quiet knock and then a large thump against his front door. He stands and moves quietly to the door, wondering who could be knocking at 11pm on a Tuesday? Y/n always appears in whatever room he’s in, usually scaring him half to death.

He slowly pulls open the door and her smaller body falls into his arms. Y/ns halfway covered in dark blood and her horns look battered. She looks up at him and her face is covered in cuts and more dried blood. Her “human” eyes are hidden and the whole space is covered in black with low flames flickering. She smiles lightly and he can see her sharp teeth barely poking out.

He pulls her in and lays the demon on the couch, spewing questions in her direction.

“Tommy, relax. You yelling at me ain’t gonna cure my headache” She winces, clenching her jaw.

“Y/n, what happened” He asks softly.

“Don’t wanna talk about it” y/n goes to turn over but quickly hisses and grab her ribs.

“You have to” He stands up straighter.

“I don’t fucking want to” She nearly growls. He’d be more scared if she wasn’t so pathetic looking.

“Y/n, I don’t care what you want to do. You need to tell me what happened so I can help you, NOW!” He shouts the last part and she almost chuckles at how adorable the angel looks yelling at her.

“had’t go t’hell and ran into s”trouble with m’dad” She mumbles, looking at the TV instead of Tom.

“I can’t hear you when you mumble” He says rolling his eyes at her stubbornness.

“I had to go to hell to do some shit and Lucifer found out I was there and decided to meet with me but things took a bad turn and I got my ass kicked by a bunch of leviathans while my dad watched” She spits out, louder and clearer.

“Oh”

“Yep, and since they beat me so damn bad, none of my powers or magic works, had to walk all the way here from the nearest portal, which i’m not sure if you’re aware, is VERY far” She pushes through and sits up on the couch.

“Why did he do it?” Tom asks quietly, unsure of the question was upsetting.

“Eh, there’s a few reasons. Main one being he’s god damn Satan. The other is he found out I was at the Office of Heavenly Affairs, got pissed and accused me of being a traitor” She shrugs like the information is nothing, leading Tom to wonder how much stuff y/ns already dealt with.

“Well, uh. I can do my best to patch you up and you can sleep in my bed.” Tom pushes his glasses up on his face and rushes to get some things to help, he doesn’t usually get hurt so he’s not super prepared, but he’s got the basics.

He spends a few minutes trying his best to disinfect her most serious wounds and cleaning the voood off of her. His hands are shaky as he sews a few cuts up but she doesn’t seem to notice, by looking at Y/ns face, you wouldn’t even know she’s in pain. She’s staring at the now black TV, watching her blurry reflection. Her eyes have gone back to normal and her horns have retreated, though it’s still not easy to read her. Tom usually prides himself on being able to read body language but he’s drawing a blank with y/n. Is she mad? maybe upset? maybe just tired? He’s not sure.

“Thanks tommy.” She winks as he wipes the last bit of ointment on her skin. She stands and clenches her jaw to stop from groaning in pain.

She walks towards the front door, leaving Tom in complete and utter confusion before he snaps to action.

“Wait! What? You can’t leave you’re hurt and in pain, you-“

“I’m fine” She shrugs, not turning around.

“No you aren’t! Why are you denying this, you need to stay here.” Toms eyebrows furrow together.

“Why does it fucking matter?” She finally turns around, eyes switched back to her demon form.

“Because you’re my friend,” Tom speaks quietly. He looks down at the ground afraid of her glare.

“Let’s get one thing straight Thomas. I don’t need a friend, which means i don’t need the bullshit that comes with them. I don’t need you to care about me got it? I’m perfectly fine without you, so don’t act like I need you to survive or like you’re the goddamn air i breathe. You’re nothing to me but an idiot fucking angel. So i’m gonna fucking leave and you’re gonna fucking let me. Any questions?” She throws her hands towards him. His head shoots up at her.

“You came here? You didn’t go to the club, you walked all the way from the nearest portal, which is 34 blocks by the way, you needed someone and you came here. Don’t get mad just because you want to be the one to hurt someone instead of the other way around. So you can leave if you really want to y/n, but don’t lie about why you’re doing it because you’re only fooling yourself” He spurts out, face red and hands shaky.

Y/n doesn’t say anything for a while. Just stares in anger, her eyes fill with tears and she quickly wipes them away as they fall.

“I don’t wanna be friends anymore Tom, that’s it.” She shakes out between her deep shudders of breath. She turns and limps out quickly, slamming Toms front door behind her.

[xerborgen]

high school shit

i was actually just watching some back to school videos on youtube and oh boy am i inspired to actually write this entry! i’m going into my last year of high school this incoming school year, and this is what i got so far.

things that I noticed/realized/experienced in high school:

1. i wanted to be alone most of the time

2. i developed a liking to studying for exams/doing notes

3. once something slips out of your mouth, you already have a +1 weight on your shoulders 

4. its never good to shut out your friends and expect them to understand it. you owe them an explanation 

5. never get too attached. initially, i’m not a kind of person that gets attached attached, i never really resented anyone who left me or never really missed someone that much and seemed possessive. 

6. things can go incredibly slow, and incredibly fast

7. slice of tasks off your to do list as many as you can. sometimes i do time my working periods whenever i get that random shot of productivity but sometimes that just doesn’t really do the job a lot, especially if i have a shit ton of works to do over the week. try to do better every time.

8. work better, not harder - whenever i’m doing an overnight homework or task and my eyes get droopy real hard that i can’t even focus on what i’m doing or why the fuck i was there anymore, i choose to go to sleep and not strain myself, and pay myself back in the morning. i come to school early as possible - if not, then i try to “cram” into finishing the homework before the subject when its needed starts. LOOK i know cramming is BAD but i kinda powered through it???? for example, if i cant understand the my fucking math homework the night before, there’s no use stressing out and trying hard to understand it. instead, i go to school and before math class starts, i approach a few classmates to teach me how to do it ((or maybe,,,,, , , give me some answers and i’ll just learn it in time)). that literally saved my life in the long run.

9. in line with my previous statement, its good to have a few close friends and a good reputation in class. i realized that acting emo isnt going to magically have someone gravitate to me and help. i had to reach out, go out there, and even if i dread a lot of people and i have only a few i can tolerate I HAD TO GO OUT THERE AND TAKE IT LIKE A MAN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10. i’ve learnt how to say no

11. even if my chair is left handed or not my fucking back is still going to hurt like a lil bitch

12. i realized how much i daydreamed about school ending and then like???? whap???? the new year comes and like whoosh??? its my finals already?????

13. value time

14. lo-fi is literally my ride or die, this bitch really was at my side EVERYTIME. but forreal, whenever i study or do stuff i usually put on some lo-fi beats and everything just gets better.

15. jack of all trades, master of none. i have a few well-known classmates whom are known to be all-rounders, and a lot of people envied them and proclaimed how they were good at everything. hearing and seeing these made me feel bad about myself, because all i was really good at  knew was how to edit, design, dance, study - and i was never sporty nor good at any musical instrument which are UNFORTUNATELY the talents that a lot of people consider as “cool”. 

- but, it kinda warms my heart whenever there are video presentations or design stuff that gets put on discussion, few of my classmates turn to me and depend on me about it. its like they knew, they knew they could trust me about it, because they liked how i liked how i do. and that kind of makes me giddy... the thought of giving them unceremoniously something to remember me by.

16. i dont know why didnt i put this FIRST but this is actually my favorite. usually, i tend to want to go home immediately after a long day in school, thus making my dad fetch me after class (side note, i dont know if this is a stigma or not but getting fetched after school lowkey is kinda uncool, because i dont know.......im a grown 15 yo waiting for my fetcher to come pick me up but i powered through it and come to the conclusion that i dont rlly care i just want to go home)

16.5 me and my close friends, S, L, G, A, we like to eat at this takoyaki place near my house (its actually inside a mall of some sort, its just a ten minute walk from my place to there). i usually secretly brought my phone with me to school, so even if these takoyaki dates were sudden, i had no reason to bring the offer down. i usually spend these food trips with my friend S, which with the courtesy of her kind mother, usually considers letting us eat at this takoyaki place while she lets their cute dog shanaia be groomed in the pet parlor. me and S, during these times, have talked a lot about different stuff, and i’m really thankful for her - as well as to my other close friends. although i don’t treat anyone as a best friend, they shouldn’t underestimate how much they mean to me.

- having an older sister is nice... me and my older sister actually had a conflict before. i was at an age where everything was just so emotionally scarring that it inflicted some kind of bitter wound in my heart that i just refused to mend that time. i rarely used the word hate, but at that time, i hated my family. i hated how i was treated, i hated how i was so hopeless, but i clung to any piece of comfort i longed. i guess i was just an emotional mess back then... this was all when i was in sixth grade.

things have changed a lot now. my parents have started to listen somehow. i found out that my sister was actually going through something so traumatizing that i failed to acknowledge because i let my emotions take over me.

- now... i gradually am trying to control my emotions - not the other way around. because once your emotions take over you, you get vulnerable. you get easily bitten. you let your guard down, and in this world, keeping your guard down is one risk that you should be wary of taking. 

its not that i’m preventing myself to feel, to enjoy... but to regulate my emotions and place them where its best. talk when you’re allowed to, or only talk about personal stuff when i’m with my close friends. once a person sees into me... it could be game over. 

i make decisions. and i have to avoid certain circumstances where i could possibly feel a lot of unwanted emotions. although a lot of things are stringed together by fate, and sometimes the scissors are nowhere to be found, and that i was supposed to do something that could blow my cover. its really better if you know yourself, you control yourself. if i couldnt avoid, modify how i behave. how i react. control what i show on the outside.

- i deserve some kind of happiness atleast... i shouldn’t be too hard on myself. i know this, but the pathetic thing is, i can’t do it. sometimes the only thing that deprives me of my own happiness is myself - which is for me, something so pathetic that i can’t even get sick of it.

- if there’s a will, there’s a way

- sometimes its good to look back once in a while... to see how far you’ve gone. if i can still see fragments of my past, then i’ll use that to strive to get further, further away from the demons that haunts me. if i can’t, then... smile, and look forward.

- you can fear things. but don’t let it show on your face. instead, fight it, anyway.

- everyone is just scared as i am.

- i don’t necessarily need to say my stand.

- i can’t judge dramatic people because that would mean i’m judging myself. but when did i have stopped judging myself?

- its good to go out for walks once in a while.

- rainy days elongated with a class suspension are always stuff to look forward for and cherish. the rain only visits me once in a while, i miss it.

- moments are traces of life

- sometimes, you never really see the value of something until they’re gone... 

シルエット

[steelfeather]

Rebound - The Epilogue (A Tom Holland x Reader Imagine)

Request: Not directly, but I was bullied. Here are some quotes: ( @marveltomjunkie ): “Part 2????! Pleeeaaaassseee! I can’t take it.....It’s not fair!”, and ( @spideychelle-romanogers ): “@marveltomjunkie she’ll do it. Know why? Cuz she’s an ASSHOLE who owes me something that will make me STOP CRYING.”

Word Count: 1.2k

Summary: A year after your ill-fated encounter with Tom, you meet again under less than optimal circumstances.

Ships: Tom Holland x Reader

Warnings: Angst, a tiny bit of fluff. Emotional heart-to-heart included. Cursing. Mostly from me.

*A/N: Please read to the end for author’s notes so I can avoid spoilers.

Rebound

You regret coming to your favorite coffeehouse at this hour; it’s busy, loud in a cheerful way, and Riley looks like she’s going to start crying in your ear any second now, her tiny face screwed up in a silent scream. You give the barista your order quickly and pay, rocking the infant slightly as you internally pray that she can last another ten minutes without a meltdown. She gurgles up at you with an almost-smile, and you can’t help beaming back, until the barista calls out a name you wish you had forgotten.

“Medium caramel latte for Tom!”

You can’t help stiffening a little, even a year later, at the reminder of your first lover. Intent on not letting it ruin your mood, you smile warmly down at Riley’s deep brown eyes.

When you hear a soft voice with a British accent calling your name in shock, your head snaps up, looking at the last person you expected to see.

Tom’s mouth hangs open slightly as he stares at you, his latte held loosely in one hand. His eyes keep straying to the baby in your arms, his expression flickering between emotions too quickly for you to read them. You feel frozen, trapped by his scrutiny.

He steps closer, and you’re almost shaking, stunned by the depth of your reaction to him. You had convinced yourself that you no longer cared about him, but now he’s here and you’re trembling and rooted to the spot.

“Hi,” he breathes, sounding as if someone just punched him in the gut.

“I went back to your hotel room,” you accidentally whisper, immediately wishing the ground would swallow you and allow you to live out your days in the underworld, alone with your humiliation. His face twists in pain and regret, eyes sliding to Riley’s face. “You weren’t there.”

“Why didn’t you call?” he asks, almost pleading.

“I had deleted your number.” It’s quiet, not accusatory, but you see your words hit their mark, regardless. He blanches.

“What’s her name?” he asks, voice a little broken, and you look down to see her eyeing him with no small amount of trepidation.

“This is Riley,” you tell him quietly. “Her mom had a job interview, so I’m looking after her for a few hours.”

“Oh,” he says. “Oh.”

You tilt your head at him quizzically.

“So she’s not… yours? Mine?”

“Holy shit,” you breathe. “No.”

Some of the intensity leaves his face, but he doesn’t look as relieved as you would expect. He takes a deep breath before speaking again.

“Are you free this afternoon sometime for lunch?”

A ragged breath claws its way out of your throat, old pains rising to the forefront. “Tom… you really hurt me.”

“I know,” he tells you, eyes shiny. “Please just give me one last chance. I want to talk with you.”

You sigh, grabbing a napkin and snagging one of the barista’s Sharpies from across the counter as she gives you a stern glare. You scribble an address, time, and phone number on it, then hand it to him before returning her marker. She softens a little and gives you your coffee.

“Thank y—”

“One chance,” you interrupt him, eyes steely. “That’s all you get.”

You turn on your heel and stride out the door, shoulders squared. Before you hit the curb, your phone vibrates with a text, his number displayed above two simple words.

Thank you.

You hide your treacherous smile in Riley’s downy baby hair.

He’s already waiting at the café when you arrive, eyes darting anxiously to the door every few seconds. He stands when he sees you, his hands fidgeting as he pulls out your chair for you. You feel his warm breath on the nape of your neck before he returns to his seat.

The two of you order, and then descend into a tense silence. You find yourself absently ripping a napkin into shreds between your fingertips, watching him from beneath your lashes as he traces invisible designs on the tabletop.

“I’m sorry,” he finally starts. “I know that doesn’t mean much in the end, but I want you to know that I never meant to hurt you that way.”

“But you did,” you murmur, your voice betraying you as it cracks a little.

He bows his head. “I understand that now. I should have been up-front, or just not pursued you, or at least been more gentle when I realized how… inexperienced you were.”

You exhale.

“Honestly, I don’t think there’s any reason to assign blame. You weren’t trying to hurt me, and I wasn’t trying to get attached so quickly. If you need some kind of closure, you should know that I’m not angry.”

He looks into your eyes, and you’re short of breath suddenly.

“This isn’t about closure.”

The food arrives, and you bite into your sandwich, barely registering the taste, as you process the potential meaning of his words. The silence stretches to a breaking point.

“…what is it about?”

“I can’t stop thinking about you,” he insists. He continues as your mouth drops slightly open, breath hitching. “When you didn’t call me, I found myself wishing I could go back, change everything. So I could keep that happy look on your face when you were barely awake, wearing my shirt with the worst bed head I’ve ever seen.”

“Tom,” you say, nearly speechless.

“I wasn’t ready then, but I wish I had been. Because… you’re special, and I think you’re worth risking my heart again.” He’s still looking straight at you, the hope on his face nearly blinding.

“Tom…” you start, “…what is it you’re looking for? A fresh start? To pretend none of that ever happened?”

“No.” He’s very serious. “I don’t want to forget anything. But I do want a second chance. An opportunity to work past what happened. I care about you.”

“It might take time for me to trust you.”

“Then I’ll give you time. As much as you need.”

He’s still looking at you, radiating light and happiness and hope, and you’re only human. No match for the boy who’s practically a celestial being, watching you with stars in his eyes.

“I expect some sucking up. Romantic gestures and shit.”

He makes a poor attempt to conceal a snort. “All the gestures you could want.”

“Well, then,” you smirk, mentally telling your traitor heart to calm down, stat, “I assume you have an amazing idea for Friday night. I’ll see you at seven. Text me what I should wear.”

He grins and it’s like the sun coming out on a cloudy day. Your cheeks flush with happiness, lips curving into a smile despite your best efforts. As you stand to go, he rises with you, running his thumb over your cheekbone before dropping a gentle kiss on it.

You turn and leave, fingers hovering over the spot his lips touched.

It feels a lot like a new beginning.

*A/N: Y’all... I literally put the baby in there to fuck with your emotions. Who am I anymore?? But seriously, I hope the end transition felt natural. I kinda think it would have been unrealistic to have them completely happy/resolved at the end. They have a lot of ground to cover, a lot to work through. But I left it on an optimistic note because I’m a soft bitch like that. 

Taglist: @curly-haired-holland, @dangerousluv1, @fairydustparker, @friendlyneighborhoodgf, @im-finallly-clean, @kaciidubs, @lovemalikstyles, @mc-universe, @middlefingermichelle, @mrshollandparker, @peterr-parqerr, @quackmom, @quacksonss, @spideythewebsitter, @spocksandsandals, @stanbroughing, @tomhstories, @twiceinabluemoon  

[foodtechhacker-blog]

Adventures in Nutrition: Antibiotics, Preservatives and the Microbiome, Part 1

Several years ago, I had a situation play out where I was unable to access a healthy diet or supplements for several months. This culminated in a very serious ear infection - blood and mucus pouring out of my ear - which was in turn improperly treated, exhibited antibiotic resistance, and required extensive antibiotic usage to resolve the infection. This experience radically changed my understanding of the human microbiome and how what we eat affects our microbiome.

This three-part series explores my experience, how to use your own body to explore how diet affects microbiome, and the general conclusions of my personal experiments along with thoughts on areas for further exploration. I am writing this in segments to allow me to address questions along the way and to get the ideas out there faster - it takes a lot of effort to characterize complex experiences like this.

Introduction

Coming from a nutritionally compromised state, I developed a severe ear infection, to the point that blood and mucus was steadily flowing out of one ear and intermittently out of the other ear. In the process of treatment, I was (partially due to medical error, partially due to bacterial resistance) given a series of highly powerful oral antibiotics with overlapping dose timelines targeting gram positive and gram negative bacteria. The result practically sterilized my digestive tract - and gave me profound insights on the role of the microbiome and health.

Immediate Results

Within a few days of starting the final antibiotic, my ear infection radically improved. However, my digestive health took a nosedive. The only thing I could tolerate without extreme nausea was raw or cultured organic dairy products. On a diet of those, my fecal mass closely resembled that of a very young infant. I could drink raw milk freely (homogenized or not) without nausea, while even just 8 ounces of pasteurized milk (even organic and grass fed) would cause a mild sense of nausea - the kind of “pressure nausea” that you get from eating something you are not digesting fast enough, as if you had consumed a lot of high fiber food or something.

I do not consider myself to be lactose or dairy intolerant. I have a northern/eastern European genetic background, with identified sensitivities to all grains, citrus, mango, and possibly chicken. I do not have a history of digestive issues and my sensitivities to said foods are primarily in terms of systemic inflammatory response. In general, I have a history of not having particularly intense digestive responses to a wide range of antibiotics.

What struck me, however, was how consuming anything with antibacterial effect would cause intense nausea in a matter of minutes. Anything containing benzoate, even pure cranberry juice, made me feel very ill. The effect would fade within a few hours. (I did not have any productions containing sorbate only to test at the time, but many but not all of the benzoate containing products did contain sorbates.) It was striking just how powerful this effect was - just a few ounces of soda, cranberry juice, or even just a teaspoon of certain sauces would yield a powerful sense of nausea in under 10 minutes.

Interestingly, I found that non-organic cultured dairy products would initially be well tolerated, but did not seem to digest as well - I would have a mild bloated sensation, a bit like consuming too much chitosan from shrimp - which would take 12-24 hours to clear, roughly equal to my fecal transit time.

Because I am not an idiot, I quickly realized that I had an incredibly unique opportunity here - I was literally experiencing a total microbiome reset. I sought out raw cow, goat and sheep milk from virtually every farm in the area, consuming from over 2 dozen sources over the next 2 weeks, in addition to numerous different cultured products and soft ripened cheeses.

Medium Term Results

After about 10 days following cessation of the final antibiotic, I was able to begin consuming non-cultured, non-raw dairy products and then meats and eggs. I basically added into my diet foods in a pattern somewhat similar to how you would approach introducing an infant to regular foods. Interesting, the changes and progression of my fecal output closely mirrored that of an infant as it is introduced regular foods.

I am glad that I like dairy products a lot and tolerate them well, because if that was not the case, this would have been quite a miserable experience for me.

Long Term Results

My extensive use of numerous types of raw and cultured (even raw & cultured) dairy products ended up bringing me to a whole new level of digestive health that I had never experienced before. I didn’t experience occasional gas the way I had previously. It seems that a near total sanitization of my digestive tract followed by extensive natural microbe exposure worked.

The more interesting long term consequence of my experience was cognitive. It felt like my brain was operating on a new hardware platform. If you’ve ever cloned your old computer operating system, applications and data onto new computer hardware, that’s the closest analogy I can provide for you. I’m starting to really buy into the idea of the mind-gut connection and the idea that most neurotransmitters are produced in the gut!

Conclusions

My experiences here suggested that the human body and microbiome might be sensitive to common food preservatives and antibiotic traces in our foods. Unfortunately, I was very sick when I experienced these effects, which is not a good time to test such things. In my next article, I will explore how I was later able to create a highly sensitive microbiome context without the risks associated with antibiotic use and then explore preservatives and antibiotic traces.

I believe that the medical industry needs to be much more careful with their use of antibiotics. Simply properly using best practices today would have avoided the use of both gram positive and gram negative targeting antibiotics and not given me a total digestive wipeout. I also think there’s huge value to favoring intramuscular injection of antibiotics. In my experience, they work extraordinarily well - often faster than oral antibiotics, eliminate patient compliance issues and almost always with reduce digestive side effects - but most doctors do not even know which are available and on-hand at their location and are not comfortable prescribing them as a first line treatment. All in all, better practices seem to hold the potential to improve patient outcomes and reduce the occurrence of antibiotic resistance. (It is interesting to note that antibiotic resistance in the microbiome seems to transfer to pathogenic bacteria through horizontal gene transfer, and it seems like we should study whether IM antibiotics reduces this phenomenon.)

Look for part 2 of this series soon - meanwhile, please follow me on Twitter and direct any questions or comments there. I value input, ideas, opinions and lively debate!

[survivingjapan]

EPISODE 6 "If Britney Spears Can Get Through 2007 The Villains Can Get Through Tribal Again" -Brian

Hey Alex.... Sad thing is was that I was fighting for you probably the hardest for the longest (hence the Raven crying pic), but then not only does your pal Richie decide to be a lunatic at tribal, but you also were making it quite hard.... I defended you to multiple people, but I can't do anything substantial if A) I don't hear from Linus myself about his potential swing vote and B) You tried to make a deal with Kage to force rocks and not tell me I liked you more than most of these people, but I can't work with someone who makes an alliance and then tries to force it in danger by accepting a selfish proposal to try and save only yourself and not your allies. I think it was just the way the cookie crumbled that it ended up this way....:L gl on the outside, I might be joining u soon.

Where is Nic asking for confessionals when we need him? :P I'm really sad that Alex is gone, I wanted to work closely with he and Richie, so it sucks that he's not around but I'm hoping that Richie and I can work together before too long. Right now I just want to make jury and once I accomplish that I'll feel better! 

What happens when you bring together the 13 most messy, paranoid, villains? Kyoaku? Kyaoku? Kayoaku? Koyaku? I have no clue how to spell out name. But anyway, you get us Also, one more thing FUCK RICHIE FUCK LINUS FUCK JONATHAN

We win again... woohoo. Not anything different, but the more important part of this round is that I couldn't figure out how finding the idol went, since I'm pretty inexperienced, and honestly would've never figured that out, so I asked Steffen for help, and he goes ahead and just punches in a magic word into a url, and he found the idol and is now choosing to not give it to me, after it being all me who found it for us. I am clearly trusting Steffen for now, but I know he is a VERY smart player, and I wouldn't be surprised if he fucked me over at the end of the day, but I get a strong feeling that he won't do it to me. I just don't think he would, and if he did, it'd probably be one of the shadiest moves that could be pulled, but I'm also not trying to use this thing y'know. It'd be killer if I found it, figured everything out, and Steffen just punched in the URL, and he needed it to save himself and I didn't need it at all. My only concern is if one of us is holding onto it, and then the other needs it played on them, then that's going to leave the person playing the idol VERY vulnerable, but that's something we're just going to have to roll with, and going back to my previous point, if we even need to use this thing, it's a sign of weakness, but also a great tool for us to have in our back pockets. 

People are constantly criticizing my game but messy or not, when it comes down to it, my social game has saved me 3 times in a row now

crow and sarah can eat the entirety of my ass tbh GOD i hate being on a tribe with these people.... after the mess that was the rocks scenario crow came to me and was like "have you talked to alex he has a plan for an alliance" and i went to alex and said ".....crow and sarah didnt they just vote you out?" and he was like "they came to me my dude" so whatever i never trusted them because sarah was sketchy about the hinky vote against me at the rocks tribal... BUT i thought okay theres no reason for them to go thru all this trouble if they were just going to vote out me or alex like we're at the bottom no reason to string us along i guess we could come together vote out kage this one round and from there maybe a unified tribe would allow for more moves for me in the upcoming rounds.... but shortly before tribal brian comes to me and is like im voting out alex i dont want there to be a tie bc crow and sarah are voting alex so im like okay theyre votes are already in for alex and you cant change votes this wont cause IMMEDIATE consequences and im going to need alex still here to back me up for this so 15 minutes before tribal i start WW3 asdfjhasfk i call out sarah and crow for the alliance and for sarah blaming junior for the hinky vote against me blah blah more goes down i say more things alex says things they say things everythings a mess and im just trying to paint the image that those 2 are liars and expose them just in the off chance that someone believes me and has an ounce of doubt against them bc with alex leaving and those 2 lying about it i was alone on this tribe anyway with no real social connections so id be gone next tribal.....but of course we lost the duel immediately after alex was voted out and i went crazy so i dont really have the time to do damage control at this point now its just campaigning which is going to be.................difficult i already went to junior kage and tommy with some campaigning last night but idk im going to need a miracle or someone to realize that i'm an asset that can be used like anyone who saves me right now gains an ally that has no other connections besides them so im prime numbers material in arabia i played such an under the radar social game where even when i backstabbed people and voted everyone out (except ting ting RIP) and i still got them to vote for me in the end bc i formed relationships and remained a likable positive quiet game player.... in this game.... BITCH i'm JT the winner that should have just played once because they just blow up their game from being extra in the next go around 

okay remember the last time i wrote a confessional i was in the mindset of i know i'm going down but i'm going to do everything in my power to stay? well fuck that i swear to god i'd rather be voted out than ever have to have another conversation with tommy again i have never met anyone who is more infuriating to speak to and i CANT DO IT I"D RATHER BE VOTED OUT ITS ENOUGH!!!!!!!!    

On 9/6/17, at 6:28 PM, cat (japan host) wrote: > okay FIRST it all started when i woke up and had to live another day Honestly I'm Cat

Hey I haven't been here in a while because we literally haven't lost since Mist. Not that there haven't been any developments, because their have been! It's just that the villains suck booty. And they're losing their 5th person in a row tonight. I wasn't really pressed about any of the eliminations other then Jaiden. I wasn't sure if I would have been able to work with him, but I was able to get quite a bit of info out of him. And now my outlet for villain tea is kinda gone. And the fact that I was in Canada all last weekend didn't help me in finding a villain tea substitute. BUT with all of them dropping like flies, it's hard to tell who would be a good candidate :') Other than Jaiden, we saw Ashley go which is fine because she's from India and I want them dead. Alex S went too so that's a thing. I feel like I need to really start messaging some of these villains to gain a connection - whether we swap any time soon or not there's an inevitable merge that there's a chance I could be at. The problem is though, I don't wanna really talk to any of them asdfghjk. Tommy and Sarah sketch me out, Brian and I are not on good terms, and while Linus and Kage could be chaotic and spill shit, I don't wanna get caught up in their messes. That leaves Richie, Junior, and Jonathan. Which obviously one of these 8 is going tonight, so I won't start messaging until after the tribal. I'm still skeptical of a swap and I'm hoping one doesn't happen so I can utilize getting close to the villains that I want to before we ACTUALLY meet up with them. But as for tea on the hero side, there's an obvious conflict on who we would hypothetically take out if we go to tribal. With 12 of us, we need 7 so someone isn't Jaiden'd. The main argument is whether to go for a Malaysian or to just take out Steffen. The thing is, I've been getting really close to Johnny and I think he trusts me. And he wants to bring in Steffen for a strong Solomon 5. Now, I don't want that to last forever seeing as I want Steffen gone soon anyway. But I think we need him for one round. Because the Malaysia/India hybrid duo of Kendall and Alex is a major problem. And Drew is someone who is just a massive threat to begin with. But Isaac still just wants Steffen gone. And he doesn't think that we could take out someone like Kendall or effectively take out Alex with Pippa being close to him. HERE'S THE GAG THOUGH! I talked to Pippa for a little bit one on one today, and she is totally down with taking out Kendall or Alex. The thing is, they both seem a little bit checked out. Kendall has 2 strikes, and Alex has kinda died out since his audition. Which... I absolutely feel for them if they're dealing with real life struggle. But at the same time if they're not gonna be super invested and if one of them already has 2 strikes then I won't question voting them out. So if Isaac knows Pippa is down to come for one of them, then we have the Solomon 5 already. Then it comes down to the outliers of Dom, Trace, Ruthie, and Ashton. I know Pippa and Johnny both really like Dom separately. Isaac likes Trace. I personally like Ashton but dunno how long we could trust him because he seems like he could have a chaotic side to him. And then there's Ruthie who I just would prefer not to really work with long term because she's such a social threat, and if we swap or get to merge way down the line or whatever and Ruthie is there, I feel like she's someone villains would definitely flock to for a potential number because she's so social and kind. And I know girl can be a flipper. So this just comes down to who do we wanna take out, and getting enough people on the same page for my own agenda. Because at the end of the day this is to benefit MY agenda the most. Isaac wants out Steffen still, and I was already able to talk Pippa out of going for Drew first. If we could get a Malaysia/India person out, then Drew, then Steffen, that would be the most optimal. Will it happen? Probably not just because that's so specific. However, it is still at least an outline that I would like to ATTEMPT trying to follow.

[biwikrie]

everything that’s going wrong in my life because i am bitter

the move

ok so i recently moved from japan back to the US and everything is so jacked up here and far apart. i mean sure, i kinda like it here, but since i know no one and am unable to actually go anywhere, i cant really do anything. not to mention that im not accustomed to anything in the US and everyone just expects me to know things and relate when i’ve literally been in the US for like two-ish maybe months after 5 years in JAPAN. hhhh stressful. also, i don’t have anything from my room in japan. it’s not even packed up. so i’m going to be sleeping on an air mattress until at least december. 

school

when i say that my school is small, i mean too small. we have a 2300+ student body, but a main hallway that only accommodates 1500-ish people. it’s almost impossible to walk to my classes and just as difficult to find a seat during lunch. also, i’m apparently ahead of my grade level in most things, so i’m fully just breezing through this year and cant change my classes because i couldn’t get the summer work for honors, and can’t take english and history classes for 11th graders. so my student transcript is going to be shit because i went from honors world history and literature to regular 10th grade world history and english. plus, i’m always the first to finish the tests and shit in my alg2 class, while sitting in the back because im too terrified of the giants that are 11th graders to sit anywhere else. i can’t really talk with anybody in most of my classes because they assume i’m a freshman and are just weirded out that such a small kid is in their class. 

friends / lack thereof

boy oh boy. the other reason i cant find a seat during lunch is because its divided into 3 different periods. i have third (last) lunch, which is also right after my alg2 class, which is full of 11th graders. so my tiny self is walking down the hall to the cafeteria surrounded by these tall 11th graders with no way of talking to them. so i just kinda sit “alone” at the peanut allergy table (when i say alone, i mean that im surrounded by upperclassmen as i try to take up as little space as possible while reading my book. 

let’s also talk about how all but one friend from japan probably forgot about me. so, shout out to paul for sticking to his promise of sending me a snap of him sending an “encouragement snap” using his mickey mouse voice. but because of the time difference, i can’t really speak in the group chat, and since they all live near each other and see each other everyday at school, they don’t really need to ever use the group chat. i have absolutely no one to vent to, and the only thing i can really talk about is bad stuff. so fuck me. 

i get 12000 crushes a day

SPEAKING OF FUCK ME: i, at 8:38 pm on thursday, august 31st, 2017, have 6 crushes. time to elaborate i guess. 

joseph/joey is in my chemistry class and my world history class. he’s pretty funny and i think i remember him from way back when i first lived in florida. he has this really interesting voice and laugh, and his hair has this little swoosh that goes straight up. only problem is that he kind of reminds me of yosuke and i can’t stand having him [joey] standing/sitting to my left.

dylan is in my art class. we talked for maybe two minutes on the first day and we still see each other everyday, but don’t talk. he got moved to a different table. he has a really deep voice that i absolutely love listening to. me and him occasionally look at each other when we’re confused by what the teacher is saying and have a little laugh. he’s only taking art because he needs a fine art to graduate. we dont talk, but we have this kind of unspoken agreement to do this dumb fake smile thing when we first see each other (but my gotdamn crush on him makes me go from fake smiling to blushing like an idiot). sometimes in class, i’ll catch him looking at me, and i don’t know if its my obnoxious teenage girl brain, but i think he might want to talk to me?? but oh my god he’s really pretty. like model status pretty. 

dj is also in my art class, but he also rides my bus. i know for a fact that he doesn’t like me. he doesn’t even know me. but he has bushy eyebrows and purple-ish curly hair. and oh my god when he laughs its amazing. i look at him too much. 

guy in my alg2 class that i dont know the name of is... in my algebra 2 class. i’ve never offically spoken to him, but his did hold the door open for me once and was super polite. he doesn’t play sports but he’s large. like, 6 foot large. he also has his hair up in a bun everyday. and today during the tst he undid the bun, and his hair goes a little bit past his shoulders and it looks to silky. deep voice.

liam is in my english 10 class. at least i know he’s in my grade right? and holy heck does he look so nice. he has blond-ish red hair and brown eyes?? and he literally could care less about school. he’s like a bad boy but super chill?? i used to sit directly across the room from him and i would sometimes look in his direction and see him looking at my group’s table? whether it be because he knew the people at my table, or was just completely blanking out, or because im a new student and hhhhh, i’ll never know because we had to change tables. now i sit with my back to him so idk if he’s even in the class anymore. 

anthony is in my world history class and is friends with joey. i had a crush on anthony before joey, but after a while anthony just seemed kind of dumb, but i still kind of like him? he goes out of his way to bring me into conversation and is funny in a dumb way. i dont even know. reminds me not to kill myself. he looks like he’s good at hugging. 

time in general

so i’ve recently been hit with this like wave of sadness where everything suck sand maybe that’s why i wrote this, but i have nothing to look forward to each day other than getting back to my “bed” after school. i just want it to be summer again becuase either 1) i can learn to drive, 2) anthony and joey and alec and austin can maybe want to hang out or something and i can finally have friends 3) i can screw up my sleeping schedule to talk to my bros in japan 4) i’ll have my stuff 5) i can start making real friends in junior year because at least i might know some people during lunch. i just want everything to fix itself because i have no way of fixing it. 

i kinda want to die

and not in the angsty teen way. actually, maybe in the angsty teen way. i just dont think that i have anything to provide to the world and i’ve already experienced all the world has to offer? i mean, obviously i haven’t, but in a “nothing else really will matter” kind of way. is that nihilistic? i just want to skip to the part of my life where i can just experience love?? thats sappy as shit, but i want to find someone that i can really love and experience the thing that humans experience and just know that im not alone in the universe? maybe its me and my obsession with soulmate au’s, but i really want to find someone where everything just clicks from the first moment and i can just be myself and be fully accepted and be truly vulnerable and free with someone that i absolutely care about and love? but i know im not mentally prepared to be in a relationship of any kind and that’s a problem after being removed from the only people i could talk to. so i’m forced to bottle things up and just try to push away bad thoughts to prevent myself from just crying in the middle of class. sometimes i get the thought of the time i wrote a suicide note. sometimes i think about who of my classmates would notice that i never showed up to school again. sometimes i think of when my brother and dad would find me dead and what their reactions would be. but hey! “i want to die” i so #relatable right !!!

i just want to say that the only people that i’ve met that maybe genuinely cared if i actually killed myself were my biology teacher mr francis and anthony. i remember the look on mr francis’s face when i said that i didn’t know if i wanted to be alive, while my classmates just laughed because of the whole “i want to die” meme culture we have. i appreciate that he didn’t tell anyone, but that might not have been the best in the long run. of course, that’s not his fault. he probably knew that i would just lie to the counselor. but i wish mr francis could see me now. completely broken and looking like i never want to wake up. last week in history class, my group was all joking about wanting to die, and i think anthony saw it on my face. he saw the quiet build up of tears as i thought of what these people i call my somewhat friends would think or how they would react if they realized i never showed back up to school. or if my teacher announced that i had killed myself. or as i thought of my suicide note that i wrote a month and a half ago. and he probably said the last words i expected to hear from one of my classmates, especially after only knowing me for a few days. “you know, if you were to kill yourself, i’d get really sad” it’s dumb, i know. but it’s suck with me. he barely even knows me, but we were launched into this conversation about how we would truly feel if someone close to us died. like imagine coming to school and noticing that the person that sits next to you, who normally never skipped a single day of school, now hasn’t shown up in a week. imagine trying to find their face during lunch, only to figure out that they aren’t even breathing anymore. imagine having to continue with our day, with your life, not truly knowing what happened, or knowing if you can help, or if you could’ve helped to prevent such a thing from happening. imagine seeing someone you’ve seen everyday just disappear without a trace, just to disappear without anyone knowing that they were even there. (deh anyone?)