#if someone takes advantage of this to ruin one of the few inherent trusts i have in humanity

[viablemess]

The amount of effortless trust I put into podficers on ao3. I will download that zip file, yes. I am sure it is safe. Like. I should stop and think, "Is this a virus?" But I don't. Thank you, podficers, for slowly curing my anxiety in unexpected ways.

[rovelae]

Why Saiouma isn’t toxic

(CW: in-depth discussion of abuse, discussion of rape/noncon)

           Disclaimer(s): This is an intellectual discussion, not a screaming match. If you’re here to argue with facts and evidence, I don’t mind debating with you. If you just want to throw a tantrum because I like something you don’t, I’m going to tell you to take a Xanax and go to bed.

           I’m combining the terms “toxic” and “abusive”; though they aren’t technically the exact same, they’re similar enough for the purposes of this essay.

           This essay isn’t meant to convince you to ship Saiou. If you don’t like it, you don’t like it. But it’s not right to scream ‘abuse’ where none exists; it hurts fans and content creators, and it “diminishes the importance of that word and it reduces [it] to something volatile and stupid.”

           To begin with, we have to identify what makes a relationship abusive. The way I define it, an abusive relationship involves manipulation, an inherent power imbalance, and/or physical or sexual abuse. Most of the hate-posts I’ve seen paint Kokichi as the abuser and Shuichi as the hapless victim, so that will be the focus of this essay.

1. Would Kokichi manipulate Shuichi for personal gain?

           There’s no denying that Kokichi is a manipulative person. He’s a liar and he did some awful things in the game. No one’s saying he’s a morally white character. But it would be wrong to say he’s entirely evil, either.

           I’ve already covered in this post why Kokichi can’t be said to lie for personal gain, but I’ll quote a bit of it here.

           “The motivation [behind Kokichi’s lies] isn’t self-serving—he’s motivated by a desire to end a death game and stop anyone from having to go through what he and his friends have ever again. The smaller lies, though, like lying about his favorite foods? It would be annoying to be tricked like that, but it’s way too much of a stretch to label it psychological abuse.”

           We know that Kokichi’s DICE organization has a moral taboo against murder. We know he hated the killing game, to the point where he orchestrated his own suicide in order to ruin it. And almost every time Kokichi lies in the class trials, it’s either for comedic relief or to push the cast toward finding the culprit.

           “But Chapter 4!” you protest. “Kokichi manipulated Gonta into killing Miu!”

           My response is threefold:

-        Miu started it. Kokichi wouldn’t have done anything at all if his life wasn’t in danger and he wasn’t desperate.

-        It’s wrong to think that Gonta is incapable of making his own decisions. Kokichi may have influenced him in that direction, but Gonta actively made the choice to kill Miu—his own avatar confirms it at the end of the trial. (See also: Impytricky’s “Gonta Gokuhara Character Analysis: When a Genius is Treated like a Child”)

-        Kokichi felt terrible about what happened in Trial 4, to the point where he begged Monokuma to execute him along with Gonta. He didn’t need to do that, and it throws off his whole “I’m the mastermind” act just a few lines later, so we must assume he was being honest about that. It’s clear that he doesn’t enjoy hurting others.

           If that’s still not enough for you, consider: desperation, and, by extension, the killing game, brings out the worst in people. We can’t accurately judge a person’s character if all we have to go off of is the worst parts of them. Would Leon have killed Sayaka outside of the killing game? Would Hifumi have agreed to help Celestia kill Taka? Would Gundham have killed Nekomaru?

           So, would Kokichi manipulate Shuichi for personal gain? No. His whole character is motivated by a desire to help the others, and his lies are either manifestations of that motivation or harmless pranks meant to entertain.

2. Does the Saiouma ship have an inherent power imbalance?

           Shuichi is, by his own admission, weak. Kokichi has a strong personality and likes to be in charge. That doesn’t mean that Kokichi doesn’t respect Shuichi and his opinions. In fact, each class trial is packed with evidence of Kokichi listening to Shuichi’s point of view and respecting his intelligence. For instance:

-        Kokichi sided with Shuichi during scrum debates 2, 3, and 4

-        Kokichi pointed out most of Shuichi’s lies during the trials (and back routes), but in most cases, didn’t fight him on it

-        Shuichi is the only character identified as “trustworthy” by the white board in Kokichi’s room—i.e., Kokichi trusted him to at least be on the right track in the trials.

           Kokichi is also shown to care about Shuichi’s feelings in the game, like when he told him he’d rather bring Kaede back to life in Chapter 3, because it would make Shuichi happy. To reiterate: he wants Shuichi to be happy even if it means they don’t end up together. That says a lot.

           Additionally, I already mentioned that Shuichi is weak, but it’s important to realize that he isn’t so much of a pushover that he’s entirely incapable of standing up for himself. Look at his interactions with Miu, for example: he sharply told her that “I can wear a hat if I want” when she made fun of him for it, and in her FTEs, he refuses to eat the hygienically questionable food she made for him.

           Shuichi’s kind of a simp and tends to get roped into things, yes. But he’s able to stand up for himself—especially after Chapter 6—to the point where he wouldn’t enter into a relationship unless he wanted to. If you think Kokichi would somehow be able to force Shuichi to be his boyfriend, you have no faith in Shuichi—and Chapter 6 proves you wrong.

           So, is Saiouma inherently imbalanced? No. Kokichi respects Shuichi’s feelngs, intelligence, and opinions, and Shuichi’s a stronger character than he’s given credit for.

3. Would Kokichi physically or sexually abuse Shuichi?

           One needs only to look at Kokichi’s Love Hotel event for the answer. While the Love Hotel isn’t canon to the game’s timeline, the characters are still in character— that is, Kokichi and Shuichi are acting as they normally act.

           It’s important to note that Kokichi is the only character who backed off of Shuichi after Shuichi either appeared visibly uncomfortable or told them to stop. Kaede asked for Shuichi’s consent and was given it; Angie, Himiko, Kiyo, Miu, and Tsumugi all took advantage of Shuichi in some way or another; and the rest just didn’t have sexual connotations. Kokichi made advances on Shuichi, noticed that Shuichi was uncomfortable, and immediately backed off.

           “But wait!” you cry. “Just because one character didn’t rape the other doesn’t mean they have a good relationship!”

           Of course, and that’s important to realize, too. But recall that the purpose of this essay isn’t to convince you to ship Saiouma—it’s to prove that it isn’t abusive.

           Keep in mind that this was Kokichi’s fantasy— he would have been able to do whatever he wanted to Shuichi with zero repercussions, and Shuichi probably wouldn’t even remember much when he woke up. And still, Kokichi chose to stop the moment he realized Shuichi wasn’t on board with what was happening. That says a lot.

           And what about outside the game? We know from the Salmon Mode ending that Kokichi is desperate for someone to “figure him out.” He’d be very careful not to jeopardize his relationship with someone who genuinely wants to understand him.

           And Shuichi does genuinely want to understand him:

           So, would Kokichi physically or sexually abuse Shuichi? No. It’s just not in his character.

“But what if Kokichi was lying about EVERYTHING IN THE WHOLE GAME?” you yell. “There’s no way we can trust anything he’s ever said ever!”

           If every Danganronpa character was polite, kind, open, and honest, 100% of the time without fail, the game would be incredibly boring. If that’s the kind of media you’re into, I’d recommend something like Reader Rabbit or Winnie the Pooh. Danganronpa is a murder mystery, where characters hurt and betray and lie and actually kill each other. You can’t trust anyone; that’s the whole point.

           So I advise you to go back through the game with an open mind and try, actually try, to use reading comprehension skills to understand the characters. Examine their motives, think about what they might be feeling when they make the decisions they do.

           Danganronpa is not the kind of game to spoon-feed you easy-to-swallow characters. You have to pick them apart yourself.

           As for everything Kokichi has ever said possibly being a lie? Maybe. Maybe every character is lying to you. But if you hate Kokichi just because he’s dishonest, then it follows that you have to hate Rantaro, Kaede, Shuichi, Kaito, Maki, Himiko, Kiyo, Miu, Tsumugi, Kirumi, and Kiibo—which, at that point, why are you even a fan of the game?

           And if you deny everything Kokichi said just because you think it’s a lie…

 In conclusion

           You can dislike Saiouma because it’s not your thing, but it’s wrong to spread hate over abuse that doesn’t exist. Hating and attacking people for having a different opinion than you won't magically sway them to your side. If you can't articulate your points in a way that doesn't antagonize, you probably shouldn't be talking. People like what they like for a reason, and spitting on what they like won't make you any friends.

           And throwing around weighted terms like “toxic” when you just don’t like something? That makes YOU the toxic one.

[elencelebrindal]

Question if all of Saint Seiya took place on Real Life? What would be the consequences of the heroes and Villians? And how the public would respond to them?

Buckle up, this is a long answer. I wrote this with a terrible neck pain and slight headache though, so I apologize for eventual mistakes (grammar, form, whatever) I made. 

Right off the bat, I can tell you: the public would not be pleased with it. Realistically speaking, who would ever want people capable of flicking their finger and cause a nuclear-like explosion living next door? Let’s see this in perspective. The most (physically) powerful bomb ever recorded, the Tsar Bomba, was so strong it was able to reach a distance up to 900 km (obviously that distance only partially broke some glass or windows, not really destroyed anything). And this is among the most powerful man-made artifacts. A Saint could easily surpass that level of power. There’s Saints that have a cosmo so strong it could easily destroy a star. A star.  Put three of them together, now. They are capable of unleashing as much power as the Big Bang. Imagine what would happen to the entire freaking universe (or something along those lines) if that technique goes wrong.  Imagine what a Saint could do if they suddenly go crazy and want to destroy humanity, or the entire planet. They could easily do that. 

And now, count how many of these warriors are out there. Count how many of them could pull off a mass-destruction strike with ease. 

Take into consideration all the natural disasters that happen when deities get angry. Take into consideration all the Holy Wars against Hades, and the absolute destruction the planet endures every time there’s a battle between these warriors.  And if you don’t want to look at the more “physical” state of things, take a look at how the Saints train. Those are children that are thrown onto the battlefield to learn how to live just so they can die in battle once they’re older. Think about all the whiplash something like this could cause if the public gets to know it. Gets to know their training places or their training regimes. 

Not only that, to an outsider eye the society of these warriors could appear as incredibly violent and oppressive. If they don’t know what’s going on, why those rules are there and why they need to be applied like that, people will be angry about it. Maybe a small amount of people, but there’s still going to be problems surfacing here and there.  Let’s not forget: killing is normal for them. Saints, Marina, Specters, there’s not a single one of this armies that thinks killing is inherently wrong. Bloodshed is so normal for them that no one outside their society can understand what the hell is going on in their minds. Sure, there’s the odd one every now and then (Shun is a perfect example), but it’s not like they’re saying “I’m against it, so I’m not doing it”. They’re still doing it, but with much more resentment.  And, this is probably one of the most itchy spots of the system, talking about how the Saints tackle the fact they have women in their lines there is going to be so much anger.  I can already hear the protests against the mandatory masks (ironic as of now, I know) for women. There’s not enough understanding to be able to avoid that kind of problems.  Sure, you might say “but it’s always been like that, so the public should’t react so badly”, but here’s the thing: people don’t care about history and traditions if they don’t understand it. And yeah, the entire mask ordeal might or might not seem right, but civilians are not going to get the reasoning behind it. It’s the same thing that happens in real life, with people assuming left and right, people straight up offending or not caring, and just a few good human beings taking their time to learn. 

In a perfect imaginary world, where Saint Seiya exists with all its fair share of heroes and villains, everything would go like in the anime. People just excited to watch them fight, not really caring about the consequences.  In a real world, however, this is never going to happen. 

On a more complex level, think about all the politic stuff that’s going to happen. You want Athena being the head of your independent land? Sure, but there’s a ton of responsibilities coming with that. And if Athena happens to also be the head of a very influential and large company, things get even more difficult to manage.  Just try to imagine the unending chaos Poseidon must have caused when he took control of Julian’s body and left everything to go underwater. Imagine the sheer terror people feel every time there’s a flood, or an earthquake, or an explosion, because they never know if that’s natural or not.  Imagine how traumatic is for someone who lives right next to the place where these warriors fight continuous battles, all the shockwaves coming to their door.  Because yes, there’s going to be actual consequences to those battles. Animation is fun because there’s no need to show what a Galaxian Explosion would actually do to the Gemini Saint’s surroundings, but real life? Yeah, that’s a detonation of pure physical and cosmic power, there’s no way people are not experiencing it even kilometres away.  And that’s probably the lamest example I could find. 

Think about some villain choosing to destroy a city. How many people would die, there? How many people would be forced to watch, helpless, as they hope for someone to come and save them? And when that help comes, what’s going to do if not destroy everything even more?  Damage is damage, whether it’s a hero or a villain causing it. Lives are going to be ended and/or ruined in those fights. And those fights happen again and again, because the story always repeats itself.  Shiryu’s horrified reaction at Deathmask’s carelessness would be the reaction of every single person that witnesses or hears about the sheer amount of destruction and loss that would be recorded at the end.  Emotional and physical scarring don’t go away easily. 

We can also go a little bit the psychological route, here.  Would you actively trust to live on the same planet as someone who’s able to raise a single finger and kill you? No weapons needed. Would you actively feel safe knowing there’s people around you that can move at the speed of light, able to literally rip you to shreds with ease or just do anything they want because nothing can stop them? What do you have? Only the reassurance that all those people are good and fight for humanity.  Nothing else.  You just have to believe those insanely strong warriors are not going to kill you just because they can. That they are not going to take advantage of their abilities.  People don’t work like that. 

I, myself, don’t work like that.  If I knew that in this moment, on this planet, there’s someone out there capable of pointing their finger at me and kill me, I would not simply trust them to be good.  Moreover, there’s history of good guys betraying to become bad guys.  An amazing warranty, I’d say. 

The consequences of these heroes and villains existing in real life would be absolutely catastrophic.  No one wants to live in constant fear of some deity getting bored and deciding to start a war. No one wants to live knowing disaster is always around the corner. Humanity already fears itself, there’s no need to make it worse. 

Would you trust a Saint that’s able to freeze you in a block of eternal ice, or another one that’s capable of raising his hand and using it like a sword? Would you trust someone that could send you to another dimension? Someone able to shatter the ground with a simple punch? No one’s going to fully feel safe around people having so much power. Laws and prohibitions? Those are nothing to a person that could kill you by snapping their fingers.  The governments of the entire world trying to keep them in check would be nothing but a fly under a giant electrified fly-swatter. Said governments would also be trying to reason literal gods. Can you imagine sitting down at a table and being presented with a god? A god you have to convince to keep their warriors under control? To be at peace with the rest of the world? Yeah, me neither. 

In short, at least in my opinion, realistic fiction is the closest thing you can have without causing mayhem.

[artificialqueens]

Strange Love (1/?) (Biadore) - passion--victim

AN: Would like to send a big thank you to @aurora-blackheart & Veronica for the support & beta-ing! Female pronouns are used when they are in drag and male pronouns out of drag. This was supposed to be a one-shot but it probably won’t be.

Her ass pressed into the cold concrete dressing room floor, the loud music of Mickey’s blaring through the closed door. Her hands trembled as she pushed back her blue hair and started on her brows, Of course he wasn’t there, she thought to herself. Adore didn’t expect him to come after everything that went down but that didn’t change the fact everything had been chosen so he could be there. While she was so proud of this new album, fuck it hurt. Everything reminded her of the moments of ecstasy, comfort, and love that they had spent together. Fuck. She took a long drag of her half-finished blunt, willing herself to forget it all.

–

They started off so easy. Not a light fuck between friends but there was an inherent understanding that when apart they did whatever. In the beginning, it worked perfectly, Adore was free to take (consensual) advantage of whatever trade she found after her shows or in the bars and then when their schedules managed to line up they would spend their time in bed, on the couch or in the shower. Fucking, yes but also just existing together. It was the still moments after they had both cum when they lay intertwined that Danny loved the most. It was in those moments when they were coming down where their eyes did all the talking and that Danny knew how much he loved the older man.

It wasn’t when Danny had to muffle Roy’s name as he climaxed in another man but when he found himself turning down trade in favour of masturbating to an old dick pick that he knew he was in trouble. So he did what any self-respecting twenty-something would; he found more and more creative reasons to fly to where Roy was performing. At first, it was a convenient layover,’

“Danny, not that I’m complaining but since when is Barcelona on the way home from London?” Roy quipped when Danny showed up at his dressing room door one night.

He shrugged sheepishly and embraced his other half in a tight hug.

–

Fuck. His other fucking half. If she was in a better mood than she would have fully admitted that he was her better half. Somehow he always knew what to say, and while he could read Adore to filth, he never did. His door was always wide and his arms open. He could make him laugh for days but somehow he also grounded him. Made him feel wanted and whole.

“John” she yelled.

“What?”

“Pour me another one”

–

So he got more creative; layovers, saying his manager fucked up booking the flights  and ‘accidently; leaving drag accessories in Bianca’s kit until finally one day he said “fuck it” owned up to how he felt, well okay, partly.

“Bitch I’m here cause I wanna be. You got a problem with that?”

“Come here pussyface.”

They never had the much needed conversation but it didn’t matter they were spending almost every night together, save only for work engagements and nights spent on a red-eye to see each other. Danny had always known how kind and generous Roy was as a friend (and in bed) but to be the recipient of his full affection was something else all together. He was always picking up a necklace or a shirt or a treat for him; never missing a scheduled Facetime call or an opportunity to shower Danny with compliments privately (or publicly). Even though they never put a name on whatever they had, they quickly settled into the most domestic arrangement either of them had experienced in a long time. When together, and when Bianca didn’t need to make morning talk show appearances, they found themselves waking up in the comfort of the other’s arms and morning wood pressed into the other’s thigh and neither Roy nor himself needing or wanting any more space between them. It was in these moments that Danny really got to see how much Roy loved him, how he trusted him to lower his guard and to just exist and be. Nights were spent exploring aspects of whatever new city they were in; and exploring new parts of each other whenever the mood hit them. When apart, they texted each other that their respective flight landed safe, dodged whatever potential trade they encountered at their solo gigs and made sure to Facetime when planned.

He didn’t set out to write another album. But fuck, lately he didn’t even need to smoke to find the words. Drawing inspiration from moments of ecstasy and comfort in his arms, his album took flight and in a direction it had never been before. He wasn’t mad about it either. He wanted everyone to know, indirectly through his lyrics, how happy he was. While he knew he had to leave it vague enough as to not identify his fellow queen, he poured his soul into each and every one of those songs. Treasuring the moments when he could fully let go, head in his lap, and share them with his love. He wasn’t always the most eloquent speaker but it was in his songs that he was able to express what he meant. And with songs called “Always,” “Hidden Kisses” and “End Game,” it wasn’t hard to figure out. Apart, when inspiration struck, instead of turning to social media Danny began sending videos of verses directly to Roy who more than compensated him when they were together once again. The hard part of this album turned out to be finding a release date that worked for both their schedules. They went back and forth suggesting dates, each one being shot down for a concert, a flight on the other side of the world or a previous work obligation. Suddenly they were looking at almost a year down the road.

“Well this isn’t going to work,” Roy said.

“Yanx what about…”

“Nope. At this rate I’ll be dead before it’s released”.

“Alright you old fucker what do think then?”

“I’ll just cancel this tour stop” he says pointing at the calendar. “I’ll be there.”

“Really? I know how important your work ethic is.”

“You want me there?”

“More than anything Willow,” he said, cupping his chin and pulling him into a tender kiss. “More than pizza,” he laughed.

“Then I won’t miss it for the world.”

—

Leave it to Roy to ruin pizza for me she thought. She pulls at the blue wig, trying to tease it into more of a punk mess, as she racks her brain for what went wrong. One minute it was cuddles and stealing kisses in shadowy corners of bars and the sex, oh god the fucking sex was everything. She didn’t understand how it could mean nothing to him. Tears gathered in the corner of her eye, threatening to rain down her perfectly beaten face.

“Fuck.” She took a deep breath, she wasn’t going to let him ruin this for her. She had put in too many hours pouring her heart into each track. She was so goddam proud of it and if he couldn’t see that and be there for her. Well fuck him. Even though fucking him got him in this mess in the first place.

—

He always thought he’d be the one to fuck it up. And maybe he did. But his heart felt a lot more heavy and broken than guilty. When fans started tagging her that Roy was with another man he didn’t give it another thought. Bitch, the internet be crazy he thought. When someone shouted, “Show Bianca who’s boss, I can’t believe she left you!” at her show one night she cursed that motherfucker out, he didn’t know shit.

But she would be lying if it didn’t stick in her head after a younger fan offhandedly commented post-show that “she seemed so unfazed, ‘specially since Bianca said yes.”

“Yes?” she said making a face, “to what? More dick?”

“Uhhh…” the fan faltered

“The ring, one dick for life ammirite?” her friend said, going for a clumsy high five despite the fact that he was clearly drunk.

What the fuck? Adore thought but she brushed off the interaction, making her way outside to smoke a joint.

She would be lying if she didn’t think about sleeping with the dude who gave her a light. But she was with Roy, and she trusted him even if her mind was spinning.

Replaying their last conversation and scrolling through their texts (he hadn’t responded to her last few messages which was giving her pause) had filled the next few nights after her show. So who could blame her when she chose clubs and friends’ shows over sleepless nights thinking about if him.

Alaska’s shows were always a good time especially when a new promoter was trying to woo her (and her friends) with free booze. Adore, now exceptionally tired and irritated by the comments on Instagram was taking full advantage of all the goodies. She was teetering the line between not cute and full on messy when she got two picture texts from Dela.

Dela: ??

Dela: U ok?

Dela: Love you!! Don’t get too drunk k?

Dela: We can go get fucked this weekend

Head already spinning from the alcohol she opened the first image to find a screenshot of a snapchat of Roy from behind. He was arm and arm with another guy, completed relaxed head tucked into his shoulder. The snap read

“@thebiancadelrio and his boo! They got engaged last week! 💎💍 #onedickforlife #sucker”

Adore felt weak. No, it couldn’t be she thought as she swiped to the second photo Dela sent. Also a snap, except this time Roy was in a loose hug with a man in medical scrubs. “Bitchin with @thebiancadelrio” was scribbled in bold red at the top. But that wasn’t what caught Adore’s attention. It was the small understated text in the bottom left corner that said @KyleVittar congrats 👨‍❤️‍👨

Adore’s stomach dropped and her heart began to seethe. Kyle. His fucking ex. What the fuck. And suddenly, even though she had done a line and more shots than she could count, it became clear. The missed FaceTime calls, the unanswered texts. The fucking trip home that he cancelled last week. It hit her swiftly. So she did the only thing she could think of, block him on both Instagram and Twitter, and hit up Alaska for another line.

–

Two blunts and four tequila shots later, her face was finished. And sure she wasn’t fully there anymore, but wasn’t that the point? Somewhere between shot two and three her trembling lips turned to a scowl and her brow became furrowed.

“Adore is this the final set list?” a PA asked.

“Yeah, no wait.” She grabbed the list and hastily added another song to the end of her first act. “Now it’s good”

“Okay, thanks. You’re going to be ready to go in 15?”

“Sure dude,” she said as she downed another shot trying to forget the pit in her stomach and the roar of anger in the back of her throat.

–

When she walked on stage she was greeted by a packed club, some of her sisters who were there supporting her and many screaming fans.

“Who’s ready to party!!” she yelled, temporarily forgetting the emptiness.

The crowd went wild, ready for her new music.

“Well guess what motherfuckers I got some songs for ya. This first one is a banger, hope you like it”

She had chosen this particular song to start to show because it was one of three songs on the new release that wasn’t about him. Plus it was a bop if she could say so herself. Letting the alcohol take over her soul she danced about the stage. And if she stumbled (literally) or almost fell, her fans were nice enough to brush it off and continue to cheer her on.

“Glad you bitchasses liked that. I don’t really wanna sing any of the other songs so howdoyouguysthinkaboutmejustrepeatingthat all. Night. Long?” she yelled into the mike. After repeating it (twice) she noticed her fans were kind of done with it, to put it nicely.

“Okay okay I get it. Next. On to the next. Might cry. But here we go, this one is called Always.” She pulled the mike away from her face and in a small voice, one very unlike herself, she said “I hate when Always has an expiration date,” and then she began to sing.

After that she sang two other songs from her new album. Her voice cracking a little more at each one as she pushed down the hurt and anger that had enveloped the last few weeks.

“All right motherfuckers, one more in this set. It’s not from my album but it might as well be,” she said raising her glass for another swig before beginning.

There were a few murmurs from the crowd as some tried to figure out what exactly she meant.

The opening lines were messy and rough and she let the song take over

Everybody wants to know

If we fucked on the bathroom sink

How your hands felt in my hair

If we were high on amphetamines

“The first time,” she interjected, “was so. fucked. up.”

And everybody wants to hear

How we chain-smoked until three

And how you laughed when you said my name

And how you gripped my hips so mean

“That fucking fucker!” she yelled.

We wrote a story in the fog on the windows that night

But the ending is the same every damn time, no, no, no

We wrote a story in the fog on the windows that night

But the ending is the same every damn time

She screamed the last line, blinking back tears. She couldn’t believe him. Tonight was supposed to be a celebration of her album, a celebration of them.

“Guess what? Even the pretty boys lie. Even the fucking old ones.”

They think I’m insane, they think my lover is strange

But I don’t have to fucking tell them anything, anything

And I’m gonna write it all down, and I’m gonna sing it on stage

But I don’t have to fucking tell you anything, anything

That’s the beauty of a secret

You know you’re supposed to keep it

That’s the beauty of a secret, oh oh oh

That’s the beauty of a secret

You know you’re supposed to keep it

But I don’t have to fucking tell you anything,

Everybody’s waiting up to hear if I dare speak your name

Put it deep beneath the track, like the hole you left in me

And everybody wants to know ‘bout how it felt to hear you scream

They know you walk like you’re a god, they can’t believe I made you weak

As she belted out the last line she knelt on the ground, miming how Bianca got (unofficially) crowned by Jinx and Shangela. “Fucking done,” could be vaguely heard through the cheers of her crowd.

She finished the song screaming, tears racing down her face. Sure it was punk, but it was also the most real she had felt in a while. She dropped the mic, walking off the stage. So much for celebrating a finished album, she thought. Finding the same hard spot on the concrete floor of the dressing room she reapplied her mug and downed what was left of the tequila. Somehow she managed to be upright and present enough, just enough, barely enough most would say, to sing in the second act, to thank the fans for coming and when the show was over, to make her way into the club to celebrate with old and new friends alike. This time, she knew that if drunk her was horny she was going to fix that. Fuck Roy. Fuck Bianca. He wasn’t the only big dick that wanted her. And with that thought she placed a sloppy kiss on some guy with a cute ass.

–

The next morning he stumbled out of bed, almost face-planting on his bright pink wig.

“Fuck.” He rubbed his eyes which produced a concoction of various eyeshadows on his hands. He groggily made his way to the bathroom to deal with the only thing he felt capable of handling - his bladder. As he opened the door he came face to ass with whoever he brought back last night.

“Fuck, you going?” he asked, not bothering to wait for an answer he closed the door and staggered back to bed but not before swiping his phone off the nightstand.

He scrolled through his Instagram, snap and text notifications until one caught his eye:

Willow💕: What the fuck pussyface? 

[margridarnauds]

001 olympe/solene please!!! (also i know i haven't answered in 8 years but please bear with me, i haven't forgotten i'm just very late)

Thank you! (Also it’s fine; I was just a little worried I’d finally scared you away!) The following thoughts might be slightly rambling, given my family’s doing our daily rewatch of Toho!1789 and Maniaque just came on, thus short circuiting my brain. 

when I started shipping it if I did: I seem to recall a conversation between you and @couldntgiveafox some ages ago where you were discussing alternative 1789s, and I believe I stumbled across it in my fall to 1789 Hell. I don’t think I really started actively SHIPPING it until I was writing Pour la Peine and the (still a WIP) Modern AU where they go to Disneyworld, since it showed off more how they would WORK as a couple. (Yes, really. In my defense, there’s something about Solène and Olympe working together to get Artois stranded on “It’s a Small World” that warms the cockles of my shipping heart.)

my thoughts: I think they have a lot of potential as a ship; I would REALLY love to have seen more of them in canon because I think that they’d have had a lot more potential than our canon ship. (Not that that’s SAYING much, but…) The two of them have two very different ways of dealing with things that really make them complement each other well. Like, Solène has a much more direct way of doing things; she probably had to shut down most of Ronan’s fights with the other kids in their village when they were younger, whereas Olympe…can handle herself, obviously, but she tends to prefer sidestepping it if she can and tends to prefer using the gun only as an absolute last resort. And Solène and Olympe both…fill in the gaps, with each other? Like, Olympe’s a woman who everyone sees as this simple little governess who can be walked over but has a spine of steel beneath those stays, whereas Solène is a woman who presents herself as being basically untouchable and unbreakable, but she has a lot of vulnerability beneath the surface. 

What makes me happy about them: Solène has this blunt, rough edge that really works well against almost everyone, but the second that Olympe enters the room? She melts. Even if she’s terrified of what exactly that means and trusting someone again. She’s basically the embodiment of “I’ve only had Olympe for a day and a half, but if anything happened to her, I’d kill everyone in this room and then myself.” And Peyrol. Even if he’s not in the room and had nothing to do with it, she’d still kill Peyrol for good measure. And for Olympe, she has someone who’s genuinely in love with HER and would be willing to bend over backwards for her. (It’s not that I dislike Antoinette or that I’m even particularly criticizing her, but I do think that she can be insensitive when it comes to Olympe’s crush right until the very end when she lets her go and that sometimes, she takes advantage of Olympe’s feelings without realizing it, causing Olympe to get into trouble. See: Je Suis un Dieu.) Like, Lazare and Solène would never ADMIT it, because fundamentally they have way too much between them, but they have more in common there than they’d ever admit. 

Finally: BLESS the Toho for giving me, like, five seconds of interaction between them. It might not have been much, but THEY TOUCHED HANDS. While watching Solène’s brother being brutally shot by his boyfriend, but hey, it’s not the WORST first date idea. And Solène’s CLINGING onto this girl she’s just met in that scene, after rushing herself in front of Peyrol’s line of fire to do it. 

What makes me sad about them: Obviously, the lack of interaction between them, even though, on the positive side, it means the show can’t ruin it for me. Solène is hard as a character to write, because all three Solènes are written so very differently from one another that it’s hard to get a grip on her, especially since it’s obvious that the French really didn’t…CARE about her, as a character, and that also means that trying to get their dynamic can be hard. Like, I still feel after all this time that I don’t have them down as well as I have L/R, which is something that I’m always trying to rectify. 

Also, from an in-universe perspective: I think…Solène is very like her brother, in the sense that she doesn’t see HERSELF as inherently inferior or incapable of love (the one thing no one has EVER accused the Mazurier Siblings of is a lack of confidence), but that so much has happened to her that she kind of takes it for granted that this isn’t going to end well. Our girl’s canonically lost her brother and father, she’s PROBABLY lost her mother (I mean, unless she’s just…living as a hermit somewhere since Ronan and Soléne ran away or left Papa Mazurier to become a famous adventuress, I think it’s a safe assumption), and it’s safe to assume she’s lost at least 2-3 siblings, if not more, and…as much as I’m against the idea of the Tragic Sex Worker, she’s also probably seen Things in her time on the streets. If nothing else, then sex work was very much a transitory job for many women, who would take it up in off seasons in-between other jobs (or marriage, for some women), so there are probably plenty of women who she knew and tried to get attached to who just…moved on. 

And I think that Marie Antoinette’s ghost is always kind of going to be there, in the background, even as Olympe moves on from the full force of her old feelings. And Olympe has her own issues when it comes to loss, not just with Ronan (who was a friend if nothing else) and her mother (if we’re going with the musical-canon where Charlotte du Puget’s been dead for awhile), but also with probably seeing Louis-Joseph die in front of her. 

things done in fanfic that annoys me: WHAT FANFIC? There’s so little of it available that it’s kind of impossible for me to find ANYTHING to really annoy me. The thing that annoys me when I’M writing them is that there’s this…odd tendency, with femslash, for things to be sanitized and clean and saccharine, as opposed to M/M and F/M ships. And, on one hand, I DESPISE that mentality, but on the other hand, I find that I’ve internalized some of that, even though realistically S/O have…so much that they could bicker over. If they wanted to. So I try to keep at least a realistic level of conflict in their relationship, without reaching R/O or even R/L levels. 

things I look for in fanfic: Existing is always a lovely thing. 

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: Olympe/MA is always going to be a tragic crush for me; I’m not sure if it’d have worked in the long run as an actual RELATIONSHIP, but I’d be perfectly comfortable with Olympe being happy. Or accepting Artois’ offer, biding her time in London while slowly poisoning him so that she can retire in an obscene amount of wealth when the new king of France “tragically” dies only a few months into his new reign. 

Even though I’m pretty attached to Olympe being a lesbian and Lazare being gay and/or ace, I’m also not OPPOSED to them marrying each other as a matter of convenience post-canon, though…obviously. After the Takarazuka and Toho productions, there are going to be…issues with that one. (Lazare is incapable of being with someone when he hasn’t at least tried to kill their father.) Matthieu Carnot and Camille Lou in the original cast had HELLA chemistry with one another, and I’m not entirely willing to toss it all away.     

And for Solène…I’m not sure I’d go with ANYONE in the main cast. My main headcanon re: Solène and sexuality is that she’s bi, but the whole “Betrayal by her idiot of a brother” thing has really put her off the idea of being romantically involved with dudes for an extended period of time. Sexually? Sure, for the money involved. It’s her JOB, but she’s not going to go for anything that requires trust. Lucile is the obvious alternative, but I’m not sure how Lucile’s upper middle class upbringing would work with Solène and her profession, and the entire business with the engagement +…Lucile’s ultimate fate would work. (Also Lucile’s part in The Scene in the Toho version…it hasn’t put me off her as a CHARACTER, I still love her very much, but…it’s made me…less keen on her with Solène.) I also crackship her with Marie Antoinette. Marie Antoinette gets all the ladies in the main cast. 

My happily ever after for them: In the canon verse? They leave Paris, either getting out of the country or quietly running into the country, where they can live in peace without the Reign of Terror getting them. They establish a domestic life together, where both of them learn to trust again, even as Solène keeps her own funds Just in Case, because some things are a little harder to move past than others. Lt. du Puget knows, but he’s been too traumatized by his own experiences with the Bastille, as well as too grateful to the Mazuriers for all they’ve done to raise a fuss, and he becomes like a second father to Solène, with Françoise being a sister and partner in crime to her. Solène doesn’t lose track of her friends in Paris and visits them from time to time, even as she gets used to middle class life, and she never entirely loses her fire. They both die of old age, many, many years after the Revolution (because, as we all know, Olympe does not die at the end, and there has never been a time where she died at the end; it is her destiny to outlive the rest of the cast with her girlfriend.) And then, in the afterlife, Solène gets at least one slap in on her brother before they’re one big, happy family again. Because he does deserve it, tbh. 

Out of canon, I would honestly love to see a world where Solène/Olympe and Lazare/Ronan could have co-existed with each other as a family, albeit an insanely unorthodox one. I could see Olympe and Lazare having a marriage of convenience, with both of them having their own sections of the house that are just theirs, and with sex not even being a consideration. (Solène takes it more as a matter of course and the best possible option, even if she doesn’t LIKE Lazare; Ronan runs off and spends, like, a week crying somewhere before they can get him calmed down enough to explain.) Like, their wedding night is spent playing cards in bed until they can sneak out to their separate rooms, and at some point Ronan’s in-between them, drooling on Lazare’s shoulder while Solène glares daggers because if he hurts her girlfriend or her brother, she will not HESITATE to destroy him. Everyone knows that they’re gay AF and that a former under-governess to the royal family is sleeping with a former sex worker, mainly because Artois never shuts up about it (because if he can’t have Lazare under his thumb and he can’t murder the hypotenuse, he’s at least going to do his best to make his life miserable), but, does it matter? No. What are they going to do, not invite Lazare or Olympe to one of their salons? The horror, the horror. One year, for her New Year’s present, Ronan gives Solène a pair of earplugs so she doesn’t have to hear some of the ungodly sounds that come from his and Lazare’s side of the house. Everyone’s happy. 

who is the big spoon/little spoon: See, my GUT instinct is Solène for big spoon, since it gives her a place of security without her feeling pinned in, but also I love the thought of Olympe sometimes taking over, nuzzling into Solène’s neck and having Solène wake up and being like “Holy shit, this is real” even years later. 

what is their favorite non-sexual activity: Taking walks together, reading. I like to think that Olympe helps Solène learn how to read (which is one of the areas where I feel like they differ from R/L. Even though I think Lazare would read out loud to Ronan, I’m not sure he’d go through the trouble of TEACHING him, especially since that’s…giving Ronan some serious power as far as being able to page through any of Lazare’s papers.) Sometimes, Solène just prefers to hear Olympe read out loud, with her absently putting her hand on Olympe’s arm as time goes on and she relaxes, since Olympe has a very bright, expressive voice that suited her well when she was an undergoverness, and even if she doesn’t mean to, she finds herself taking on different voices for different characters, which makes for an entertaining reading experience,. The two of them also help each other with their daily toilette, getting each other’s hair and clothes prepared. 

This? Is an Olympe innovation. 

And this? Is a Solène. She Tries. And Olympe loves her for it. 

[pisati]

I know what you mean by I want no part of this. sort of. I’m sure I told you in a voice clip at some point in the last few weeks; I get that feeling when I think about my future sometimes. just, if this is how it feels forever, if my health never improves, if I never do anything that makes me happy... what’s the point? I don’t think I’ve been directly affected by anyone’s cruelty, necessarily, but I’ve definitely looked at the world in a macro sense and thought the same. I don’t want it. that feeling makes me want to run off to some tiny village in Iceland and live out the rest of my life away from everyone and everything. 

you still have a lot of love in your heart, though. that is a little confusing. you enjoy life but want it to be gone and done with, in a sense? I mean, I think I get it. there are still beautiful and wonderful things in the world. there are certainly things that feel worth it, sometimes. but I also know that feeling so dulled makes everything else feel dulled too. it would be a relief to be away from all of it and not have to feel anything about anything at all.

I know that what happened was absolutely awful, and I know it wrecked your perception of everything up til that point. it’s completely understandable that you numbed out and kept everything in. it breaks my heart, though, to hear that literally everything in your life has been affected by this. I’ve felt it in your interactions with me, and I hear it in your tone. and you try to cover it up with humor sometimes, but, like... I do the same thing. it’s not fooling me. you’ve got so much more to offer in life, and it really does make me sad that you feel like you’re just kind of waiting until your time is up so you can dip out. I feel like that sometimes too, and that’s no way to live. it’s not fair that other people could have this much of an impact on your entire life. they don’t deserve to have clear consciences while you deal with the aftermath of their actions.

I do think that you got caught up with some of the few truly terrible people in the world, though. what they did was unconscionable. at the very least they could have listened to you, leveled with you person to person, but they chose not to. they seem like heavily distrustful and manipulative people, and you even know that you’re not the only one they’ve done things like that to. and I know you know this, but not everyone that goes to church on sundays is a Christian. to be something, at least something that isn’t inherent to your existence, I think you need to embody it wholly and not just performatively. say you’re Christian all you want; go to church, wear a crucifix. but if you treat people cruelly and aren’t loving and understanding, you don’t embrace Christian values. plain and simple. people put on façades and say things they don’t mean, and that is also cruel to anyone who is affected by it. you weren’t in the wrong to love as you did and to treat people with the same kindness you expected them to have.

I don’t think this is “the nature of people”, necessarily, though. you really did just happen to run in with some of the really bad ones. people are fucked up in many different ways, but a lot of the time it just affects themselves. I understand your distrust, though. one experience really can be enough to ruin the rest of them. I was actually thinking on my way back from my guitar lesson tonight: I remembered after that really bad car accident I was in, I was terrified of being back on the road. when I first started driving, I expected people to have learned the rules of the road as I did. I expected them to watch and wait and be careful. my dad taught me that if I messed up on the road, missed a turn or something, I needed to maneuver as safely as I could to get back on track, even if that meant a big detour. my accident happened because the man that hit me didn’t look up when he gunned it back onto the through-lanes out of a turn lane and flipped my car on its side. I went into actual shock while I was sitting there, still strapped into my seat and pressing myself back with the steering wheel. I remember unbuckling myself, pawing uselessly at the sunroof, squeaking help. I remember a few men pulled over, helped me get the passenger door open over my head, and lifted me down. once the reality of everything set in, the fear set in too. who was to say, if this man could break the rules and almost kill me, that literally every other person on the road couldn’t do the same? this was so far out of what I expected. that’s not how you drive. if you’re in a turn lane you’re supposed to turn. if you say I love you you’re supposed to mean it. you learn instantly that you can’t trust anyone. and it really can take one big thing to ruin your trust entirely.

I’m curious though; did you see M blocking and deleting you multiple times as red flags? was she unstable as well? were her parents influencing that or did she really get upset with you over trivial things and try to cut you off? that coupled with the fact that you still, after two years, have no apology or explanation... I don’t know, man. I still have to wonder why you keep her close. I understand that being manipulated can make someone into a person they’re not. I know you two have a long history, and a whole relationship full of nuances that I’m not privy to. I don’t know her or hardly anything about her, and I want to believe that she really is a sweet girl who was just in a terrible situation. maybe it isn’t my place at all to say anything, and I’m not asking you to do or change anything, by any means. but it still seems to me like it’s not a healthy thing to keep around, you know? imagine if this were me, if the tables were turned here. if I were holding on to someone who hurt me like that, absolutely wrecked who I was as a person, even though I had a long history with them and still cared about them. what would you say to me?

maybe you’ll never be the person you were before, but I think that’s okay. life changes us, though some of us are changed in drastic and unfortunate ways. maybe this wasn’t how it was supposed to be, but I think there’s a way you can work with yourself as you are now. be the best version of this you. or, at least, better. we’re still changing; life is still changing us. it’s been two years now, but soon it’ll be four. and ten. and further and further, and so much will happen in that time. you don’t have to pressure yourself to change and grow, or take it to heart if you feel stagnant, but I think in time you’ll find you’re doing better, looking back. I wouldn’t expect you to be "back to normal” after two years, god knows. this was heavily traumatic; I hope you know that even I can see that from an outsider’s perspective. I don’t even know the full scope of it, but I don’t need to. I understand that it’s changed you drastically and permanently and I don’t expect you to be any kind of way, least of all for my sake.

I understand why you push me away. I absolutely get it. and I don’t want to force myself closer to you than you’re comfortable with. but I’m also not any kind of “emotionally innocent”, so please don’t worry you’re going to hurt me like that. maybe I’m more trusting than a lot of people, and maybe it’s a little naive to want to believe that people are mostly good and want to do good (but sometimes go about it in awful ways to line up with their perception of “good”). but I’ve accepted that if I get hurt, it’s because someone took advantage of my trust. so far getting hurt hasn’t changed that in me, it’s just made me close myself off so I don’t put my trust in anyone else. I’ve also been hurt by people I care very much about. in different ways, of course, but I’ve done my fair share of numbing out and pushing people away. I’m more cautious now. you’re not putting anything on me, though, promise. I don’t feel burdened at all by the darkness you carry. I don’t worry that you’re going to take advantage of my trust, which is why I’ve opened up to you as much as I have. 

but I do think the only good basis for any friendship, relationship, whatever, is communication. you’ve already been really good about it. I appreciate your candor with everything, more than you know, and I feel really privileged that you’ve allowed me close enough to know these things about you. I try to be as communicative as I can too, and I apologize again if I’m ever too abrasive or if my tone comes across as harsh. no matter what I’m upset about, if I get upset: I do not want to hurt you. ever. I don’t even know if I’m capable of having any kind of malicious intent towards someone I care about, lol. even the people that have hurt me the most... the worst I’ve ever done was leave them be; cut myself off from them. we’ve had our arguments, I’m sure, but I’ve never lashed out. if I make you uncomfortable or you think I should take a step back and cool off, please tell me. even a few weeks ago, we were still able to talk it through after things got heated. that’s the kind of communication I really value, and I hope that we can continue to have that kind of relationship: where we try to talk through it, whatever it is. that’s what I want to embody, and that’s not changing. I may not be the best at it yet, but you have to learn somehow.

on that same note, I also can’t make you trust me. I refuse to make any promises I can’t keep, so I can’t say I will never hurt you no matter what. but I can promise to try my damndest not to. you’ve been honest with me, which I really appreciate, so I at least have a clearer picture of what I’m up against, so to speak. I don’t have any expectations of you. what healing you have to do, you have to do it yourself, though of course I’d like to see you improve and help if you need it; if you’ll let me. I know you’re afraid of letting anyone close for fear that you’ll hurt them as well, but from where I’m at I just can’t see that happening. you’ll hurt me if I let you hurt me. I said it before and I’ll say it again: I’m not scared. I’m sure you think I underestimate it, and maybe I do. maybe I still don’t know everything there is to know about this darkness. but I empathize with the parts I do see, and it doesn’t scare me. it’s not a disease you can infect me with. what I see is someone who’s carried a lot of pain and who’s had to deal with it by learning to feel nothing and push everyone away, not unlike myself. I’m still genuinely curious to know what you think you’re capable of, that you’re afraid of doing to me. it seems to me you think I’m just not registering a threat, or that I think I’m above the possibility of being hurt somehow. 

I don’t see you as someone who would ever set out to hurt me intentionally. you’ve never seen me stick my hand blindly into a cage full of rats at the animal shelter, but there’s a reason I’ve got the most injury forms in my file, lol. it’s less that I go in blind, and more that I don’t mind getting bit. I know those rats aren’t out to hurt me, they're just scared. yes, they bite sometimes. yes, it hurts all the same. but it’s not the worst pain I’ve ever been in. I show them I’m not a threat, take them home to foster if I need to, give them love and treats, and eventually they warm up to me. I’m not saying that’s analogous to you, or what I expect from you, lol. like I said, I don’t have any expectations, and I know you’ve already said I can’t just warm you up like that. and that’s fine! but that’s my MO, with or without you, you know? I’m here. I’m glad to offer a hand to hold if you’re willing to take it. you’re not going to turn me cold. I want to show you as much as I can that I’m safe. you can nip at me all you want, or close yourself off, or do whatever else it is you’re afraid you’re gonna do, but I somehow doubt you could ever do close to the damage that’s already been done. I want you to know you can feel safe with me, but all I can do is say it. how you feel about it is up to you. 

that goes back to the communication thing: if you’re scared something bad might happen, or unsure about how you feel, or literally whatever else, we can always talk about it before anyone gets hurt. I take pride in being good about allowing time for getting thoughts together as well. no leaving each other hanging, or wondering what the other did ‘wrong’. ok? I’m not going to do that to you either. and if I do unintentionally, you’re welcome to call me out. I don’t see it as bending backwards for you; this healthy communication thing is work. but I think it’ll be really, really helpful for both of us to be able to call time-out and talk.

anyways, now that’s more you have to read and possibly reply to, lol. sorry. I’m still really looking forward to planning a trip; I think it’ll be fun! I know you’re kinda concerned about me having a good time, but I don’t think I’ve ever been out of the country and absolutely hated it, lol. I want you to have a good time too. no stress, just a mini vacation at home with a pal who’s never been there before. I can already see us goofing around making breakfast, going on adventures, settling in for the night with a standup show or something on netflix. just, genuinely a good time, ya know? I’m looking forward to it.

[survivorsolomonislands]

Episode 1 Part 1 "Hit the Ground Walking” - Matt

YALL IM FUCKING SCREWED!!! I don’t think Karen likes me that much - she’s close with Linus. Who by the way has me blocked on facebook. So I pretty much have no options on this tribe and I’m completely fucking fucked. I’m just gonna try to band together with people who don’t talk as much and aren’t all that outspoken and aren’t cliquey and work with them to save myself bc RN!!! im looking like first boot!!!

give me like 10 idols now

oh so now you guys put a link up while ive been talking to myself for the past 2 hours. 

i’m going to stab everyone with this machete and the only person who can stop me is on the other tribe (jk i love everyone here except for like the one person who hasnt responded to me yet)

“if you know how i feel then why would you say that like you put me in such an uncomfortable situation like you know I’m not happy” how this freak win all the games lately 

so it’s crazy johnny is in this game and i have him blocked i hate myself huh? and monty is talking to me and ryan is so i hope i am good with this tribe i am nervous, but ready.

Oh wow. Im-back-bitches.gif. So this tribe is something else. There Karen Lexi and RTP and Karen wants us to make a solid four, but I can count and that leaves 6 people out, and 6>4 so we need at least one if not two more people. My picks are chrissa because I have a good relationship with her already, and then maybe Mitchell because we’ve been talking the most. And then if Lexi know Zachariah then that’s another one. Beyond that, there’s Dana and some other people who I can’t remember 🙃 I know I’ve been talking to one of them but idk who that is and I don’t have the energy tonight to figure it out lol.

So basically the plan for the next few days until I get back to the us is to build groundwork relationships and try to find a solid 6 to stay with until a swap or merge.

Star- They still haven’t come online and I am hoping that they are painfully inactive so we have an excuse to vote someone out first! 

Johnny- Haven’t talked to him but at least he has accepted my contact request and like said he wouldn’t be here. He is a frat guy and some of these people are not who frat guys would typically hang out with so he might be an outsider 

L.A.- I wanted to work with her since I saw her intro she is super chill and seems really smart I like her A LOT! If I am making an alliance she will be in it 

Kaya- She’s super sweet and honestly a little angel I love her so much

Luca- Really annoying but seems to like me. He is an experienced orger so who knows maybe he’ll be in my alliance also He’s talked to Kaya a lot 

Lily- I know she can beast a comp so she needs to stay on my good side. She is one of the experienced newbies and she is aware of how I play at least a little bit so I am not sure how long I want her here 

Aromal- Nice guy! Kept asking me questions about everything which was sweet because it makes me seem like a good person and that im looking out for him!. Honestly his time zone might be an issue but if I stay up super late and search for an idol I can blame it on him because that will be in the middle of the day for him 

Allie- She is a little SWEETHEART I LOVE HER SO MUCH! She seems super innocent nd like honestly someone I’d want to have under my wing She’s a newbie and I feel like she will be loyal to me since I talked to her right away and am helping her get used to this 

Daisy- Shes gorgeous and I enjoy her company but not someone I am loyal too yet, She seems a little suspicious and kinda distant because she left me on read! 

My general strategy is to align with the newbies who haven’t played orgs ever. From what I’ve noticed Lily and Daisy aren’t super strong socially so If I can get L.A. Kaya Luca and Allie all together it will be a strong alliance of 5 and I can keep them on the outside. Hopeuflly star isn’t here so we can vote them out first like easy vote, but if they arrive super late I might as well talk to them a lot to make them feel safe and be the first person to reach out to them. I love the tribe so much and I hope it isn’t chaotic, but I am going to play for sure, I want to form an alliance and start to get things rolling

Welp! I guess i’m fuckin back here to ruin my life again!

I’m starting off the same way I started off in Malaysia - forming good relationships with people. And while that may have unknowingly landed me into a minority, the relationships I formed still allowed me to pretty successful and arguably run the table during the pre-merge, setting myself up for a perfect post-merge run that was only ruined by… Applebee’s. 

The one thing I should’ve done was parlayed those early relationships into more tangible early alliances. Jenn and Jimmy wouldn’t have voted Kendall out if they didn’t have an early alliance with, and inherent trust in, Isabelle; that was my undoing, and I aim to rectify that. Let’s see who we’ve talked to so far. There’s Ryan; we were talking a lot about stuff, and I feel like we’ve easily got the foundation there for a strategic allegiance. He’s confided in me that he’s worried about his position on this tribe given his history with some of these players; I can either utilize that to my advantage and make him a number, or he could be an easy third first boot. I don’t want him to be a first boot because I feel like I can work with him, but it’s good to have options.

Zakriah is probably the person I’ve talked to the most after that. We’ve got a lot of similar thoughts on Survivor and we’ve clicked really well, so I think we could easily work together strategically. She seems like she’d be a lot of fun to bop with throughout this game. She did, though, like Ryan, confide in me that she’s worried about her position in the game, given that Linus has her blocked on Facebook; another situation that leaves me with options, which is good.

Speaking of Linus, we’ve been speaking a fair amount and have reasonably bonded to some extent. I like him, and I hope that he and Zakriah don’t end up going against each other. I’ve also been talking to Dana a similar amount, and think that we’re good with each other for now, at least in terms of forging early relationships. Monty and I haven’t spoken a terrific amount, but I’m optimistic about that relationship as well.

I don’t know Karen or Lexi that well coming into this, but we’ve played games together before when they were honorary members of the Malaysia reunion chat, so there’s some familiarity there. I think I’d rather work with Lexi than Karen, but I’ll take whatever I can get. I’m disappointed in myself for failing to capitalize on these relationships more than I have to this point, but I can amend that moving forward.

I tried talking with Chrissa and she kind of just disappeared so… you’re my first boot choice :)

And Matt… the kid’s weird! It’s like picking teeth talking with him because he responds in very curt answers that make conversing difficult. But I think we actually get along and might be aligned???? But I’ve got nO FUCKIN CLUE LMFAO I honestly don’t know whether he ever means anything he’s saying and it’s just… we’re gonna watch this boy. 

As for the fans I just want to fuck up the frat boy as soon as I can lmfao anybody who says that “I’m probably more unique than anyone you have seen before” makes me wanna vomit and ima laugh when I whoop his ass 

I’m gonna fuck shit up :) let’s do this binches

Whew! This cast (my tribe atleast) is pretty social right off the bat. I think I’m off to a decent start, but as it stands I’m still terrified of being first boot. Alright so mini cast assessment

Jacob - Easily the most social so far. I would bet my left pinky that he has sucked up to everyone so far. He’s sweet but he seems like the type that will pretend to be your best friend then backstab you once you’re a liability to him. Good gameplay to get to the end but won’t get the jury.

Jacob - Easily the most social so far. I would bet my left pinky that he has sucked up to everyone so far. He’s sweet but he seems like the type that will pretend to be your best friend then backstab you once you’re a liability to him. Good gameplay to get to the end but won’t get the jury.

Luca -  My fav so far. He seems like a guy I would hate on paper but he’s super charming and likable. I would bet on him going far.

Kaya - She’s okay, we have something in similar in that we both feel like fish outta water so I might align with her.

Johnny - yikes @ that intro 

Lily - sweet, likable

Zakriah - Omg so Zak is one of my best friends in the Wikia ORG community and I cant wait to meet up with him if we both make to the swap.

Linus - Another friend from the Wikia community ! Linus and Zak have a love-hate (mostly hate) relationship so its gonna be interesting to see if they work it out.

So right off the bat I feel like I hit the ground walking I guess. I’m trying to take things slow and kinda get to know people but so far there’s so many people and they honestly seem indistinguishable. I definitely need to get my ass in an alliance sooner than later though and I’m tryna work with Chrissa rn and just get meself some numbers. Wish me luck.

https://youtu.be/1TPDpOdcaP4

Ok so I am going to try and work on something in this game that I feel like I usually fail at. And its my social game. I feel like my social game is generally pretty good for pre-merge it fails once we hit merge. I want to really get some strong relationships on this tribe before a swap or merge happens. My only roadblocks are Karen and Lexi. I know both of them already and I feel like me working on my social game with them is just going to come off fake, plus I don’t know if they actually want to work with me or not. Let’s see how this goes. Right off the back I feel like I hit it off with Mitchell. He is someone I could see going far into this game with. We have similar senses of humor and were immediately talking a lot last night. He seems to be nervous about his perception as well so he could be someone I work with well i that regard. Also y'all really cast some all stars when the first thing chrissa said to me was that she was nervous to be in a game with steffen again….hun….pls

So when the Idol thing came up OBVIOUSLY I wanted to go hunting bc unlike Malaysia I didn’t have to search tumblr tags like “suicide” and “depression” to find safety… BUT having other people know I might be searching was a big no-no for me.

So what I DID do was stay up late, tell everyone I was going to bed, and then about half an hour later I went searching for the Idol. There were only two people up to begin with it seemed - I would’ve preferred it if there had been nobody - but I don’t think anyone suspects me. I didn’t find it, but that doesn’t matter so long as nobody thinks that I had anything to do with this. There’s always the chance that it backfired and that people DO think it was me but… I don’t know about thaaaaaaaaaat.

For one, by the time I woke up, Ryan told me that both Matt and Chrissa were interested in an alliance with him and myself. That’s good in and of itself, but Chrissa was one of the two people awake during my sneaky shenanigans - I don’t think she’d want to work with me if she knew I was super sneaky!! And Dana was talking to me about it, and I pretended like I didn’t even know someone had gone. “WHAT???? Someone looked for an IDOL??? No WAY!!!” My relationship to this point with Dana is painting myself like an emotional and stressed wreck so that she can relate to me and that she would underestimate me; based on the way I’ve portrayed myself to Dana thus far and my claims that an Idol search like this is way too stressful for me, I’d wager that she would bet it wasn’t me.

I could always end up looking like a fool but I thought this scheme was so fun and so far it looks like it’s working!! The only way to make it better would be to stir up some mistrust between the others about who it could’ve been. I’ll regret it if I’m first boot but I’m fuckin dancin rn :~)

So someone is looking for the idol already… interesting. It’s easy to cancel out the people who were speaking in the tribe chat a few minutes after the idol is being looked for, which is good. I could easily go into my tribe chat and explain it to people that if we all just write in our tribe chat, it’ll help to cancel people out who AREN’T looking for the idol, but I’m not gonna pull that card just yet. Let’s see if it becomes an issue. Looking for the idol on day one probably won’t get a lot of people a lot of luck. There are bound to be clues along the way, and hopefully I can snag some of those, but I’m sure already some of those items on the boat had clues in them, or even punishments, but it seems like I didn’t get either of those since I haven’t been notified about anything

oops too late

I couldn’t even control myself LMFAO

Honestly, I don’t know why I enroll myself into these games. I hate talking to people, but I still have to do it, even though I know most of these people just lay on their asses all the time and do nothing, so I don’t know how I’m going to compete when I actually have legitimate responsibilities besides going to high school for 6 hours a day and then laying on their asses for the other 18

https://youtu.be/xc0XCUl3Pfo

Well the survivor train is officially leaving the station, I have assembled my first alliance with Chrissa, Mitchell, and Ryan. Of course Chrissa will be my number one, I mean she shared her clue with me without me even asking like that’s my kind of ally. I was kind of hoping I could work with Karen this time around but RIP it already seems like I may have started throwing her under the bus, she just made the mistake of saying she was friends with Nigel and people noticed that and I’m not gonna put my neck on the line for her. Sorry? I am for sure playing to win this game, I don’t just wanna be on this train I wanna be the mofucking conductor.

g o d I don’t wanna be that person but I absolutely hate that RPDR has to be involved with the challenge. I hate how closely it’s intertwined with the TS community, and I can never stand hearing about it. Like… I always feel like I’m overreacting, but the whole concept just seems so transphobic (not to mention that RuPaul himself IS transphobic as hell), and it just doesn’t feel like an accepting community when something like that gets discussed so often. And I always hate talking about it because I always feel like I’m just overreacting, and… hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I just wish that people would realize how inherently harmful it is towards trans girls, and that it creates and fuels the stereotype that trans girls are just men in dresses and makeup. Because that’s what the dr*g q***ns on the show are. And I know this is probably not the kinda thing to put in confessionals but? Whatever, I need somewhere to put it and discourse will start if I put it in tribe chat or on my Tumblr blog.

I tried to help out in this challenge despite not knowing what tumblr is even though I’m a returning player and my entire life was came at so hard so I’m just gonna…..not 

I’m the absolute worst and have completely forgotten to give a confessional this whole time so I’m probably gonna get a shitty edit oops. Anyway I’m really tired right now so I’m not sure if what I’m gonna say will make sense but a lot has happened so far I guess. I created a core alliance which includes me, Luca, Jacob and LA. They’re all super nice people and I’m hoping I can go far with them in the game. Some of the people on my tribe I just haven’t connected well with and I’m having trouble talking to them. Also Jacob told me he searched for an idol, which is crazy information that I posses, but I trust him so far so of course I’m not gonna tell anyone. I’m still a little bit confused about somethings but I’m a lot less confused then I was at the start. Also I’m not sure what 90% of the things  Isaac say are because he always deletes his messages lmao. 

So I accidentally forgot that Star was on our tribe because he never talks, oops. Anyway I tried personal messaging him and asked him if he’s found any interesting posts for our challenge and he said not really. I’m not sure if he’s just shy and confused or if its that he doesn’t want to try but whatever. Anyway I’m gonna be kinda pissed if we loose this challenge because like I’ve accidentally ran into way too much furry porn while searching through these tags. 

It’s the third day and I still haven’t done one of these, so I figured I might as well start. This has been a really fun start to the season, the tribe seems really chill and laid back and I feel I’m getting along with a few people. Am I in a good position in the tribe? It’s too early to say. Right now I’m still just focusing on getting to know my fellow castaways!

Possibly the people I’ve been talking to the most are Kaya and Jacob. They’re really nice, and we’re also in an alliance with LA together. I really feel this has a high chance at succeeding.

The odd one out seems to be Star. He seems completely uninvolved and in case we get to tribal, my vote will probably go on him.

But yeah, fun tribe, fun start, and I’m looking to do as well as possible.

So you know how people are always like “I just wanna meet new people and have fun” and how I always say that? I feel like I am actually doing that. This challenge is mindless so it requires no real effort. I have been spending my time trying to make bonds with these people I didn’t know before and it is so much fun! I am legitimately enjoying my time in this game so far.

[margridarnauds]

laz, fox, ivanova, delenn, lyta

THANKS AVERY. 

Lazare de Ga-Peyrol

overall: who? / i hate them / i dislike them / kinda wanna fight them / they’re alright / i like them / i love them / *accidentally drops thousands of pictures of them*

opinion: again, who??? / the purest bean / cinnamon roll / who knows really / sinnamon roll / the problematic fav

otp(s): *Opens up Wip* *The ghost of a dozen Ronan/Lazare WIPs come back to haunt me*

other ship(s): Ronan/Laz/Olympe is still Very Important to me, I ship Charles/Laz in terms of “Things That Happened in Laz’s Past that fucked him up badly so now he can commiserate with Olympe over unrequited crushes on the royals”. Personally, I don’t see that one as anything more than a one-sided crush that Charles took advantage of, but, like, it’s a Thing. (Also, the curtain calls for Toho are…suspect for me, given that the two of them are paired together. Could be nothing, I don’t know, and I’m trying to keep myself from asking anyone who’s seen it because I want to see the Toho with as untouched a mind as possible. I know, I know that’s funny coming from me.) 

#noromo ship(s): Laz and Solene spend most of their time together laying back and talking shit about Ronan, with Laz occasionally going to her for advice because I THINK I BROKE HIM WHAT DO I DO which then involves Solene having to reassure him that, no, Ronan’s just Like That. 

When I don’t ship Olympe/Laz (which is…..90% of the time,) I highly support them as a BROTP who routinely beard for one another at important events, bullshitting some reason for why they can’t be together while they bond over both ditching the royals for their own respective Mazurier siblings and both being repressed in different ways. Olympe isn’t as emotionally represssed as Lazare, but “Les Mots que l'on ne dit Pas” confirms that she doesn’t say a LOT of what she thinks, and Takarazuka!Olympe is obviously always restraining herself to an absolutely insane degree of politeness, especially in her interactions with Charles. Also, Lazare would at least be aware of other gay men, though I can’t feel it was something Grandpapa de Fuck encouraged, whereas the extent to which women were allowed to know about the possibility of being in a sexual relationship with another woman is...debated. Like, the rumors around Marie Antoinette really were a watershed moment there and Olympe should PROBABLY be aware of that, but...it’s dicey. It’s very dicey

Also, Papa du Puget and Laz had a father/son type of relationship, with Pierre-Francois essentially taking one look at this broken, emotionless wreck of a human being and going “OLYMPE? DID YOU SAY YOU WANTED A BROTHER?” This was sadly cut short in the Zuka version by Laz doing…that, effectively losing two people close to him with one hastily made order. 

crack ship(s): Given Laz’s relative lack of screentime, nearly ANYTHING he’s involved with is inherently a crackship. As far as “things I’ve toyed around with but generally refuse to acknowledge”: Lazare/Louis. It would put a new perspective on Laz’s devotion to the royal family and drive to protect them, and parallel even closer to Olympe’s crush on the Queen. It would also make his eventual, inevitable failure to protect the King even worse. I did toy with a one-shot for Herbert from Tanz der Vampire and Laz, where an older Laz would have to fight off the vampire’s amorous advances while on a mission from Napoleon. 

fav headcanon(s): I will die on the hill of Sugar Daddy Laz, even if Toho seems dedicated to ruining my hopes and dreams. (”BUT THE COOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAATTTTSSSSSS” I cry out into the abyss, to which they reply, “Lol, what coats?”) Like, it’s a fantastic excuse for having Ronan and Laz be in regular contact, deepening that relationship while also explaining where the fuck Ronan is sleeping every night. (And gives us Insufferable Neatnik Lazare VS………Ronan)

Also, the idea that Laz never learned Latin or Greek and that, in general, his education was constrained only to military shit, which opens him up to ridicule when he’s around other aristocrats at Versailles or whenever he’s invited to, say, a ball in Paris. (Charles in particular enjoys playing with him, because it’s a means of asserting himself even if he himself doesn’t keep up with most of it, historically having said that he couldn’t read 4 pages without being bored.)

After the Bastille, no matter what, Laz resigns from the army or is yeeted out. Like, I genuinely can’t see any real way where he sees everything he’s seen and done everything he’s done and is still in the army. I think he’d either be a good scapegoat for the violence in the streets (with a HUGE possibility of retaliative violence by the mob, especially in the immediate aftermath), or he would resign himself out of guilt and the realization that the army that he joined and devoted himself to was never going to be the same again. 

ALSO. HE IS AUTISMS. I WILL FIGHT FOR THIS ONE. 

Fox

overall: who? / i hate them / i dislike them / kinda wanna fight them / they’re alright / i like them / i love them / *accidentally drops thousands of pictures of them*

opinion: again, who??? / the purest bean / cinnamon roll / who knows really / sinnamon roll / the problematic fav

otp(s): Xanatos/Fox/Owen 

other ship(s): I could ship Elisa/Fox, especially after “Eye of the Beholder.” I’m not sure where I stand on Hyena/Fox. Like, I think there’s *potential* there, given that OH MY GOD THEY WERE CELLMATES, but it’s not a dynamic I’m particularly interested in.

#noromo ship(s): Fox/Dingo, as the two members of the Pack who were able to break free of that shit.

crack ship(s): ….I don’t think I really have any, at least for her? I’d have to rewatch Gargoyles again (oh, the pain, the pain), but yeah, I don’t think I really have any solid crackships for her. 

fav headcanon(s): She, Owen, and Xanatos are a throuple who raise Alex together, with Owen looking after Alex when the other two are away. (I mean, this verges on canon but…) 

Also, we know that canonically, Irish Mythology exists in the Gargoyles, and Fox is half Third Race, so, like…there’s some huge magnificent crossover potential there. I have mixed feelings about how she and Bres would get along, but, like…Bres has always had a soft spot for the troublemakers, and they could bond over their shared daddy issues. (Real angsty shit: His son, Ruadan, was a redhead with a penchant for theft and trickery, and seeing Fox might trigger Dad Mode in him.) Catch her and him conspiring to steal back the sword Orna from Bres’ brother Ogma to give to his old friend and ally Tethra as a birthday present. (Though he was less than pleased when Puck tried to troll HIM, Bres and Puck have DEFINITELY conspired at some point to troll the Tuatha dé and might or might not have had a brief fling before Bres met Sreng, I don’t accept constructive criticisms on this one. Puck gives him Hell on occasion for being an absolute sap for a boring Fir Bolg with no sense of humor that he’d met [1] time, Bres is thrilled when he finds out about Xanatos/Fox/Owen because it gives him so much ammunition.) 

Titania is less than pleased with the situation, Oberon is amused, and Bres doesn’t give a fuck what either of them thinks because he ran out of fucks in the 18th Century BCE. Like, c’mon, my dude’s buried the body of a freaky Grecian witch, he’s died from being poisoned by a bunch of bogstuff, he’s died multiple times, he doesn’t care WHAT the King and Queen of the Third Race think. And, of course Fox is always going to be best bros with someone who doesn’t care about what her mother thinks, this is the woman who canonically went in a ninja outfit to break into her father’s airship just to tell him she was pregnant after trying to ruin his company. That woman lied to her for years and tried to steal her son, like...No. 

The only issue would be that Xanatos and he would probably get into intricate debates on Capitalism VS Socialism at the dinner table, both of them sporting smarmy little smirks as they do so. (Puck is thrilled even if Owen stoically handles the whole situation, exchanging long-suffering looks with Sreng.) Also at some point shortly after the debacle with Orna, Alex ends up with, like, a HUGE Irish wolfhound (not a Gargoyle beast like Bronx and Boudicca, since they’re too closely associated with Cu Chulainn and, by extension, Lugh for Bres’s taste), slightly bigger than a miniature pony with red ears, golden eyes, and a crimson and gold collar of velvet, which Owen has to explain is a gift fairly given and that to refuse it might be to offend him. (Bres’ initial idea was to give a giant pig, a descendant of his prized monstrosity Babgiter before Owen talked him out of it, which his inner Puck greatly resented because having a huge pig running around Xanatos enterprises would be hilarious.) Fox routinely threatens the thing, but somehow it can often be found curled up on the couch next to her or seated next to her during chess games with Xanatos. At some point, it bites Oberon’s leg when he gets a little too pushy in his opinions on childcare, earning Fox’s eternal love and respect (and the best kibble money can buy + unlimited scratchies because he’s a Good Boi.) 

Ivanova, 

overall: who? / i hate them / i dislike them / kinda wanna fight them / they’re alright / i like them / i love them / *accidentally drops thousands of pictures of them*

opinion: again, who??? / the purest bean / cinnamon roll / who knows really / sinnamon roll / the problematic fav

otp(s): Talia/Ivanova

other ship(s): Delenn/Ivanova. 

#noromo ship(s): Sheridan/Ivanova are so good as a brother/sister team

crack ship(s): I seem to vaguely recall shipping her/Kelsey from the one ep. with Jason Ironheart but I’m too scared to go back into our pm logs to find it because I feel like that would be going into a dark, dark abyss. Also, a lot of scrolling. 

fav headcanon(s): LET HER AND TALIA LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER, DAMMIT. THEY LEFT THE AVENUE OPEN.  

Delenn, 

overall: who? / i hate them / i dislike them / kinda wanna fight them / they’re alright / i like them / i love them / *accidentally drops thousands of pictures of them*

opinion: again, who??? / the purest bean / cinnamon roll / who knows really / sinnamon roll / the problematic fav

otp(s): Delenn/Sheridan (Fuck you JMS)

other ship(s): Ivanova/Delenn

#noromo ship(s): Lennier/Delenn, unfortunately for Lennier.

crack ship(s): None that I can think of, atm? I know I’ve probably thought of at least ONE with you during one of our Cursed conversations, but none spring to mind. 

fav headcanon(s): I didn’t want to say it, but fuck I’m starved for headcanons atm because thinking machine broke. (I blame it on the terrible combo of Bres + Lazare, AKA The Long-Haired Idiots With Daddy Issues And Terrible Coping Mechanisms Club).

That band around her head that is left over from when she was more...Minbari in appearance is hella sensitive. Most of the time, in the little amount of quiet time they get, she’ll lay her head on John’s shoulder and he’ll gently rub his fingers over it as she closes her eyes in meditation, the movement roughly akin rubbing the back of a cat’s neck. During frick fracks, it’s a little bit more...intense. 

Lyta

overall: who? / i hate them / i dislike them / kinda wanna fight them / they’re alright / i like them / i love them / *accidentally drops thousands of pictures of them*

opinion: again, who??? / the purest bean / cinnamon roll / who knows really / sinnamon roll / the problematic fav

otp(s): I don’t think I really have any solid Lyta ships yet? On some level, I feel like she’s kind of, unfortunately, flown under my radar? (Which is definitely going to impact the headcanon section as well) I feel like she’s going to be one of those characters where I’m going to have to watch things over a few times. Lyta/Black leather?  

other ship(s): Lyta/G’Kar, Lyta/Kosh (I hate that this is the extent of ships I’ve got for the obvious lesbian character, but Lyta is a kinky fuck and I’m going to expose the little vorlonfucker for who she is.)

#noromo ship(s): Zack/Lyta. LET ! LYTA ! HAVE ! A ! FRIEND !

crack ship(s): Lyta/Ezri Dax from DS9. Don’t ask me why, just…trust me on this one. 

fav headcanon(s): Honestly, I don’t feel like I know her well enough to have formed anything solid for her. I have a half-baked idea that her current issues as far as feeling kind of used and alone has its roots in first  being used by Psi Corps and then by the Vorlons, being in this position where she really couldn’t ask for or receive that recognition even when she was starved for it.