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smolwritingchick · 7 months

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The Bangtan Gal Chapter 89- Blood, Sweat & Tears

Chapter Summary: Jennie and Jimin fight over his extreme diet. BTS film BST with Jennie and Taehyung filming a sexy scene together. Jennie spends time with GOT7.

Words: 7,000+

Author's Note: A reader had messaged me years ago and sent me fanart of Jennie for Blood, Sweat & Tears back in 2018! This is by mimikoe_ on Instagram! If you see this, thank you again for your art! I appreciate you! This was so sweet of you. I hope they keep drawing! They are so talented!

This chapter gave me a bit of anxiety. I'm so sorry for the angst. At the time of editing this, I felt like I should have just deleted this argument between Jimin and Jennie but I decided to keep it and have my character mess up. Show more character development of her learning from her mistakes. Angst for this but it will end fluffy. This topic is such a serious matter so I felt a bit wary now that I'm older and looking back at what I wrote years ago. Again, I'm sorry if I made anyone uncomfortable with this. :( This one for the angst is regarding Jimin's diet for the BST era. After that, I did not write any more about the diet. This will be it.

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The following day, at Big Hit’s building, the members got ready for their dance practice in the studio. Jennie went to the bathroom and once she was done she found Jimin finishing up getting a drink from the water fountain.

Once he turned around, he grinned. “Ready to go back?”

“Uh huh!” she smiled back.

She stared at his face longer than usual and couldn’t help but feel something off about him. His face looked even smaller which began to worry her.

“Yo, your face,” she placed a palm against his cheek to examine how small it had gotten.

His cheeks were gone and his jawline had gotten sharper. Something was not right.

“Did you eat at all today?” she exclaimed with concern. “Or even yesterday?”

Jimin’s stomach dropped at her questioning. He then pulled away from her and started to walk away. He could not face her. He could not bring himself to look at the hurt in her eyes. The concern in her eyes. He wished she would stop chasing after him like this to get a solid answer. All he wanted to do was be left alone to diet in peace. Jin already gave him an earful, asking him why is he going to this extent to lose weight but Jimin felt like this was the best thing to do. To look perfect for their next comeback.

“Jimin, you’re stressing me out!” her words took him away from his thoughts as she walked after him around Big Hit’s building. “What is the issue?”

“Can you please stop talking about this? I said I’m all right,” he snapped.

She chose to ignore the irritation in his voice and persisted in questioning him. Grabbing his hand to stop him, he turned around, displeased.

“Your face is so much smaller than usual! Are you not eating?!” she exclaimed.

Pulling her to him as she bumped into his chest, Jimin looked down at her. He was bothered by her interrogation.

“Can you stop being so loud?” he hissed in a hushed voice, glaring at her.

“Stop being so loud? This is the perfect volume to get what I’m saying through your head! Let’s be late to practice and go out to eat real quick. Okay? I’ll take the blame. I don’t mind being lectured for being late for both of us. It’s okay. Just come with me to eat, please! Noodles. Let’s get noodles! And pork, too! Lots of it! Or even chicken! My treat! I’ll pay!” she insisted, despairingly trying to get him to eat with her.

Jimin was conflicted. She was willing to get in trouble just so he could eat instead of dancing with an empty stomach. She did not mind going to practice late as long as he would get a meal in him.

He wanted to. He wanted to say yes. But he couldn’t. He felt like he needed to diet.

“I’m not hungry,” he responded with a frown and released her.

“Yes, you are! I’ve seen the way you’d clutch your stomach and heard your stomach growl a lot this morning! What you’re doing is making yourself sick! You cannot do this to your body! Your body is going to break down! You gotta listen to it! You gotta feed it! Not let it go so long without food! We’re performers. We need all the energy we can get. And then our comeback is so soon, come on, Jimin!”

Running his hands through his silver hair, he shouted sternly with a growl, “Enough, Jennie! Enough! Just shut up already! Stop bothering me about it and leave me the hell alone!”

The harsh sound of his voice made her flinch as her stomach dropped from his anger. It began to scare her. He never yelled at her like this. He never actually yelled at her at all. And soon she felt tears of frustration and anger beginning to form in her eyes. The 95 Liner clenched his jaw as his anger amplified. He felt angrier at himself for shouting as it started to get the attention of staff members. And soon after Namjoon was walking over to them, worried after hearing them from the practice room.

‘Ennie...I’m so sorry...’ he thought sadly.

Jimin didn’t mean to shout. He didn’t mean to get this riled up, especially towards his precious Ennie of all people. But he wanted her to back off and let him be. Why couldn’t she just let him do this in peace?

As his words registered in her brain, she started to feel vexation overcome her, “Don’t you ever tell me to shut up! I’m trying to help you!”

“Hey!” Namjoon butted in, getting in between them.

“I didn’t ask for it! Learn to stay out of everyone’s business!” Jimin shouted.

“What you’re doing is not necessary and it’s absurd!” she shouted back.

“You wouldn’t understand-“

“Understand what!?” her voice went higher. “Why are you doing this? Huh!? Is it because of what others think?! You don’t need to lose any weight whatsoever, so end this crap, right now!”

Jimin felt his body shake as he listened to her voice her opinion on the matter.

Grabbing him by his shoulders, she shouted as tears began to slowly go down her cheeks, “You are more than just abs! You are fine just the way you are, why can’t you see that!? People aren’t your real fans if they only see you for your body, Chim Chim! Please don’t do this to yourself, I don’t want to see you like this. It’s breaking my heart, Jimin, just stop it!”

Shrugging her off of him, Jimin found himself walking away before he ended up yelling more harshly. It was like talking to a wall. She just would not stop talking about it.

“Sometimes I wish you would just shut up and stop getting involved! Just let things happen, no one needs to hear your piece or what you think someone should do. If I want to do this, then let me do this. You are so annoying!” he angrily replied.

“Stop! We’re not doing this! Come on. Let’s get into the practice room. We do not need to be fighting, right now. This is not the time or place,” Namjoon warned them.

Jimin angrily stormed into the practice room and slammed the door shut. Jen let out a frustrated sigh. This was not supposed to be like this. Why did it have to be this way?

“Jennie...” Namjoon frowned and walked over to her to try to calm her down.

More tears flowed down her face as she paced around. Blowing air out of her mouth, she looked up, trying to calm herself down. She wiped her tears and took a moment to regroup before turning her attention to her leader.

“So, you’re just going to let him continue doing this? Let him go? Do you not see what’s going on? How serious this is!? How wrong this is!?”

“I do,” he responded calmly. “We tried to invite him to eat but he just wouldn’t eat with us and wanted to continue to diet...”

"I just want this to end," she shook her head and walked past him to go back to the dance studio.

As soon as Jimin stormed into the practice room, the rest of the members immediately wanted to know what happened. Everybody heard their shouting match and from the look of Jimin’s scowl, things were not getting resolved, anytime soon.

No matter how many times the boys asked him what was wrong and what happened between him and Jennie, Jimin remained silent and shook his head. After a while, Jennie strolled in with Namjoon. Her scowl matched Jimin’s and she too remained silent when she was asked about what happened.

“Is everything all right?” Mr. Son asked, noticing a dramatic shift in the atmosphere of the room.

Neither Jen nor Jimin answered, feeling quite defeated and bummed from their huge blowout. Namjoon had to answer for them by saying that things would be fine. Dance practice was awkward and it seemed like the group couldn’t get synchronized because Jimin and Jennie were thinking about their fight. Namjoon also couldn’t quite stay focused as he thought about their mentalities. And the curiosity of the rest of the group led to everything noticeably off about their movements.

Seeing problems in their dancing, Mr. Son told them to stop and questioned everybody. “What is going on? We film the music video in a week and the choreography is looking sloppy. Whatever happened between you two,” he glanced at Jimin and Jennie, “You must put that behind you and stay focused on this comeback,”

Easier said than done.

After practice, Jennie chose not to go straight back to the dorm and decided to drown herself in work. She began writing things she was feeling. Writing out her feelings made her feel somewhat better, but just being away from Jimin for as long as she could also helped. Everything about that argument bothered her. She wanted to stop thinking about it but it was nothing that she could do to get it out of her head.

Same with Jimin as he continued to tell the members to leave the situation alone and let him cope in peace at the dorm.

The following day, Jimin and Jennie completely ignored each other. No acknowledgment whatsoever. Not even a good morning. Jungkook and Taehyung noticed the tension and were saddened that half of the Maknae Line weren’t on good terms. The two tried to get them to at least speak to each other but to no avail. This lasted for a few days.

Having enough of the tension, Namjoon went to her studio to speak with Jen privately.

“I want to talk to you about what happened between you and Jimin,” he said, taking a seat on her couch.

Jennie rolled her eyes at his name. She didn’t want to think about him. The sight of him and the sound of his voice and name made her cringe as she thought back to their intense confrontation. She didn’t want to think about it and wished Namjoon would drop it. The situation made her uncomfortable and she wanted to avoid it.

Running a hand through his hair, Namjoon let out a sigh. “I get what you tried to do but I don’t think the way you went about it was the best action,” he softly criticized.

Before she could protest, he shook his head and she closed her mouth.

“Jennie, you were in the wrong this time. You can’t just blow up like that when someone is dealing with issues as serious as this. That wasn’t right and you should consider Jimin’s feelings and his mentality. I think it hurt him more the way you raised your voice at him. He’s struggling and we’re all trying to help but we cannot force him to eat. I think if you two spoke privately instead of where all the staff was, things would have gone better. It’s not that easy to try to get him to eat just because you want to see him eat. I understand your intentions but again, you can’t make him eat, Jennie. You can’t force him to do what you think he should do. He has to make that choice,”

Jennie looked down at her lap and frowned as she thought about his words. Her mind went back to her dispute with Jimin and she cringed at how she acted.

Wow...

She did not see that point of view and now she felt like shit. She felt like a shitty friend and she felt selfish.

Yes, he was right. She should have gone a different route instead of blowing up like that. How she acted was judgmental and she seemed to have been more critical of Jimin instead of showing compassion. It just hurt to see him like that and she wanted to try to do something. But it seemed like she most likely made the situation worse along with her poor choice of words.

Jimin was right. She should just stop butting into people’s business all the time. It seems like everything she does just gets worse. She wanted to help but what she had done was not the best route to go. She needed to apologize to him.

“You two need some space,” Namjoon advised. “But once you two cooled down a bit, it’s best you apologize. I don’t want to see you two fight,”

After a deep conversation with Namjoon, Jennie spent the rest of the day catching up with GOT7, who they were thrilled to see. Spending time with them, made her briefly forget about the struggles with Jimin and boosted her mood with their goofiness and positivity.

The group decided to go paintballing, which she thought was one of the best ways to let off some steam. They chose to split into teams of two.

“I choose Jennie!” Jackson announced.

“Too late, I called dibs already,” JB replied.

“Since when!?”

“Since this morning,”

“She likes me the best, so that makes me her partner,” Bam Bam announced.

Jen laughed at their banter as the group began bickering.

“Actually, she’s my partner. I asked her the day before,” Mark grinned victoriously.

“Yep. He did. Mark is my partner,” she admitted with a sheepish grin.

“What!? That is not fair!” Jackson complained.

“If I had known I would have asked her as soon as she yes to paintballing!” Jinyoung exclaimed.

The teams consisted of Youngjae & JB, Jackson & Jinyoung, and BamBam & Yugyeom.

As they prepared to get ready, Yugyeom and Jennie chatted.

“Ah, I wish Jungkook joined us. He would’ve loved this,” he said, thinking about his best friend.

“I know~. Today, he’s busy working on some choreography. I believe it’s for Begin. But don’t worry we’ll have plenty of more opportunities to hang out. Comeback season is always so busy. I’m happy I was able to get away from work for a little while to see you guys.”

“Yeah, me too. I can’t wait. I miss him. You two are doing well, right?”

“Yeah huh. Still going strong,”

“Good. He talks about you so much when he’s with me and the guys. Don’t tell him, I said that,” he teased, making her face heat up.

She giggled. “Even when he’s not here, he always makes me feel special,”

“He better be treating you, well. If not, I’ll fight him,” Bam Bam added in a teasing manner, making them laugh.

“Haha, thanks. Hey guys, how’s your upcoming comeback coming along?” she asked. “I’m anticipating Hard Carry,”

“Oh, you are going to love it! I hope we get some wins for it,” JB responded.

“Ooh, my excitement for it is building~,”

“How are the preparations for your comeback?” Youngjae asked her. “I still cannot believe you dyed your hair red. It’s a great color for you. You look beautiful,”

“Aw, you think so?” Jen beamed and touched her red hair. “Thank you. I was so nervous about getting it dyed. But I’m happy with the results,”

“Oh, heck yeah! I was like is that Jennie!? Wow~! So pretty!” Bam Bam added.

“Red suits you well, Jen,” Yugyeom stated.

“You guys are so sweet. As for our comeback, it’s going well. But uh, Jimin and I had a little falling out. So, I’m a little off my game and happy I’m here to get rid of some of that tension,”

“A falling out?” Jinyoung asked, surprised.

“What?! You and Jimin? I thought I would never see this. You two are always so close,” Jackson said in disbelief.

His words made Jen feel even shitter as she felt even more bad about what she had done.

“What happened?” Mark asked.

She then explained the whole situation to them. Every detail and how she had a talk with Namjoon and that she realized how wrong she was.

“Although it’s none of my business with what he does with his body, I couldn’t help but want to talk him out of whatever he’s doing because his face looked so skinny. Skinnier than usual. But all I did was make it worse. I’m hoping maybe after today I could get him alone and apologize,” she said with a sigh.

“Ah, I see. I still think you are a good person. We all make mistakes and sometimes go a little too far with our words and how we say them. Jimin cares a lot about you. I’m sure this falling out will not be the end of your friendship. It’ll take some time but you and Jimin will rekindle soon enough,” JB encouraged her.

The gang played five rounds of paintballing. The games were filled with chaos and laughter as Jennie and Mark kept getting hit since the other teams wanted them out quickly. Although Jen and Mark didn’t win, it was just nice to get away from the stress of comeback preparations and unwind with everyone.

After paintballing, Bam Bam insisted on taking photos as he stood close by Jennie and lifted his phone in the air for a group selfie with him, Mark, and YoungJae.

‘She’s here with us!! I’m happy to see you, Jennie! #GOT8 #JenBam’ he posted to a widely positive reception that she was still in touch with GOT7.

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Later in the evening, Jen checked her Instagram to see more new photos that GOT7 posted with her.

To the selfie of her and Bam Bam alone, Jackson commented, 'I see u forgot to include me!’

Laughing, she typed out, 'Bro, you knew we were taking photos lolll :P’

After some more commenting, she went to find Jimin in Big Hit’s building. Hearing music from the practice room, she made her way over to it and watched him dance to Lie. It appeared that he had to be practicing for hours. Exhaustion was clear on his face but he showed no sign of stopping.

When Jimin saw the door open, he did not look too pleased to see who had walked in.

“What do you want?” he asked in a flat tone.

“I’m probably the last person you want to see, right now. But I just wanted to apologize for yelling at you. I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have tried to pressure you to eat. That was wrong of me. I’m sorry,” she said with a frown.

Jimin looked down and remained silent, taking her words in.

“I hurt you a lot,” she went on softly, voice sounding brittle. “Perhaps it was the way I yelled at you. Or how I sounded judgmental instead of showing you compassion and support. I shouldn’t have yelled or tried to pressure you to do anything. And you probably don’t want to speak to me or whatever so okay. I’ll give you space and stay out of your way. I just wanted to apologize. And whenever you are ready to talk, I’ll be here,”

She took his silence as where he stood in the situation. As expected, she knew he wasn’t going to easily forgive her. He needed time and space.

“O-okay, I’ll be going, now. See you,” she made her way to the door.

Part of her hoped that he’d stop her and say that he forgave her but it didn’t work that way in this serious situation. He let her go. And it’ll take him some time to forgive her.

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As the week went by, it was finally the day BTS filmed Blood, Sweat & Tears. Each member of BTS was dressed and ready for filming as they were excited about the upcoming comeback.

“Eeeek! Today is the day~! I am so stoked! We are here for the first day of shooting Blood, Sweat & Tears! Look at me! I look so bomb!” she turned around, showing off her outfit.

“Ah, watch the shirt. It’s not buttoned all the way,” Jin popped in the shot and fixed her shirt for her. “There, much better. Jin to the rescue!”

She laughed. “Thank you,”

“Wings, the album for us,” Rapmon declared when the camera was filming him.

“It’s very elegant and luxurious,” J-Hope addressed as he showed off the background. “Look at the set,”

For the first day, the group did their first shots of dancing. Even just performing it once, made the members hot and out of breath. The staff provided fans and blowdryers blowing cool air to cool them down, which helped tremendously.

“This concept is more sexy than usual. So, I am going to try to be sexy for this music video. Keyword, try,” Jen added.

'That won’t be hard, Jennie!’

After the first takes of dancing, the camera showed shots of the members watching the film, to monitor anything they needed to work on.

Hobi and Jennie glanced at each other after they watched how she messed up.

"You saw too, right?" Hobi asked as she nodded.

“Yeah. I did that, too early,” she replied as she watched herself jump a few seconds before the rest of the group.

Once they filmed again, a sudden sound of shattered glass was heard and the director stopped the filming.

“The glass is broken!” was announced and it was none other than Rap Monster who was the reason behind it.

'God of destruction, Rap Monster’

“Jeez...” Jen exclaimed, looking at the broken glass.

“Rap Monster!” J-Hope told the camera.

When the camera was pointed at Rapmon who laughed about the ordeal, he exclaimed, “Bam!” as he thought about how he broke the glass. “I don’t know why always...I don’t know why I break things,”

'We want to know the reason, too’

After the shooting resumed, the next scene was set in a room where the members sat on the couch. For this scene, Jennie was not in the same room as them. Instead, for the beginning of the music video, she had an individual shot.

“Action!”

She ran lightly down the hallway until she found a door. On the other side of the door was another camera waiting. She pulled the doors open and looked surprised to see the seven boys sitting.

“Cut! Good job!”

“Ayeeee. First try!” she bounced around in excitement.

Although Jimin still wasn’t speaking to her, he couldn’t help but smile softly at her excitement. She was doing a good job of filming.

“Jennie makes the best facial expressions when she is filming. Good acting,” Jin grinned as he got his makeup retouched.

After her shot was done, she stood in the background as the boys sat on the couch and floor. Suga stood behind Jimin and covered his eyes.

“We are moving to the table. We have to change our hairstyle. Let’s go!” Jimin said.

The group changed into white clothes. Jennie wore white pants and a white blazer with her red hair styled in a high ponytail. The scene was set up like a dinner. Decorations of white, including the tablecloths and chairs.

“Are you ready to enjoy the dinner?” J-Hope asked Suga.

‘The eight noble members’

“Rap Monster, I can see your belly button. This concept matches you so well,” Suga said, making him chuckle.

Jennie sat across from Jin on the other side of the table. Jungkook, Rap Monster, and V sat on one side while J-Hope, Suga, and Jimin sat on the other side. J-Hope and Jungkook sat the closest to Jennie while V and Jimin sat the closest to Jin. Jin sat up from the table and lifted his cup in the air, while the rest of the boys followed his movements with blank stares. All they had to do was raise up their drinks but for the first shot, V couldn’t contain himself and laughed, which made the rest of the group laugh, too.

‘One more try due to V’s laughter’

On the second time, the members cheered successfully. With Jennie, instead of a blank expression, she looked hesitant as she raised her glass and then stared at it. Locking eyes with Jin, she shook her head and he began to stop himself from drinking the drink.

Little did they know V watched everything. He looked intrigued by her as he raised an eyebrow and smirked.

Suddenly, she slowly turned her glass to the side and watched it spill on the table, refusing to drink it. With the camera focusing on V, while the rest were occupied with their drinks, he watched Jennie with a sly smirk on his face. Sensing that something wasn’t right, she narrowed her eyes at him.

‘Finished the shooting without laughing this time’

With the rest leaving, only Jin, V, and Jennie were left. The director wanted Taennie to improvise the scene of having a staredown at the table. As the two were filmed with tension advancing between them, Jin was stuck in the middle, looking on while he was also back in his seat.

Jennie loved filming with Taehyung. It was just something about how at ease she felt when she was with him. He always found ways to enhance their scenes and he pushed her to be a better actress for Bangtan’s music videos.

As they stared at one another, she did not look too pleased to see how confident V looked regarding Jin. After they got their shots, V was good to leave while Jen and Jin were left.

"V and Jen have good chemistry. I felt like I was interrupting something when I was watching them. I wanted to say, should I leave?” Jin laughed.

When the song came on, Jennie lip-synced her verse as she sat in a chair, leaning back. She had her feet on the table and then did more shots looking sexy for the camera.

Being very close to EXO's Sehun since meeting the group, the two recently chatted about their comebacks. Sehun informed her he filmed shots of his feet on the table for Monster, so she wanted to do some sort of cool parallel with him and reenact his movements, hoping it would make it in the music video.

Once they got what they needed, Jennie and Jin were the last to leave as they bowed and thanked the staff.

“Day one complete! Time to go to sleep~!” she beamed.

‘Day 2’

Day two consisted of more individual shots for the group. Jen looked amazed at the set as the first set consisted of Suga and Jimin in the top room while Jungkook and Rapmon were in the bottom room. V even had to jump off a balcony as each member had different concepts. Jimin and Suga were the first ones to leave early as she waited for when it was her time to shoot.

After getting her hair and makeup done, she went to watch Jungkook film his shots on a swing that was hanging from the ceiling.

“I wish I was on the swing. That looks so fun,” she commented.

Jungkook had to do a tough wire scene, getting lifted in the air. His hair was covered in feathers which made her giggle. Once he was safely set down, he sat up, scrunching his face because of the feathers covering his face.

“Have a nice time up there?” she teased and removed the feathers from his head.

“It was alright. My back hurts but the scene was alright. I hated the feathers, though. Jennie, can you give me a massage when you get home from filming?”

When she responded, “Yeah, absolutely,” his eyes lit up.

Jennie's scene consisted of her in a garden and wearing a flower crown and tiara for the occasion.

“I’m in a garden~! Look at all these flowers,” she spun around. “Simple take. Explore around the garden, and look like the baddest chick in the game. I can do that,”

The camera followed her exploring the garden and looking beautiful in the environment. Jin was called in to join her and she filmed a few takes of being a good influence on him by taking walks together. She also placed a hand on his cheek and looked at him in concern, making sure he was all right with V lurking around them. After the rest of the members went home, Jennie and V were left with their scene together.

“For this, I’m the good girl. Or so I think. Let’s say I’m more of an angel while V is more like the bad guy. A fallen angel or a devil. I’m trying to be like the good side of Jin while he’s the bad side of Jin. Soooo, this is not going to end well. But I will prevail! I will win this battle and get Jin to the good side. So, in your face V! You are not winning today!” she punched the camera lightly.

When the camera transitioned to V, he chuckled, getting into character. “Ennie, Ennie, Ennie...she’s going to lose this battle. I’ll give her an A for effort but the dark side will win,”

“Lies!” Jen’s voice was heard across the room, making him laugh along with her.

“Action!” the director announced.

Jennie proceeded to walk down the hallway with V lurking from a distance. Feeling someone following her, she turned around but didn’t see anyone. But once she turned back around, V was in front of her, catching her by surprise. After they filmed the scene a few times, the director wanted their next scene to be sexy. The whole comeback had sensual vibes to it, especially with the choreography.

Lately, as Big Hit had been planning the comeback, they predicted that fans were going to give Taennie a lot of attention due to the fact of their scenes together for the music video. So, the company was highly considering making the pair act on that for promotions. Taehyung and Jennie didn’t mind it. They thought it was funny to troll fans into thinking they were dating or something for the comeback. Although there was a slight fear in the back of her mind of a hate train for her, in the end, she went with it and felt comfortable with her best friend.

Taehyung had been nothing but sweet to her about the idea. He even asked her about boundaries and what she was comfortable with so they could make this as believable as possible without making each other feel awkward. They thought that subtly was the way to go, with lingering gazes during music shows, and so on. They make a bold statement for the music video but then keep fans speculating with subtle displays of affection when on camera.

When they told Jungkook about it, he kept wishing it was him in the situation but for the music video and comeback in general, the director felt best for it to be Taehyung instead due to the role he was playing. He understood it and knew it was just acting between them.

Getting in position for their next scene, Jennie gave him a warning, “I ate smarties before this so my breath smells like smarties. I hope you like the smell of smarties when you lean in close,”

Taehyung giggled. “It’s okay!”

He began to get himself into character, looking at the ground while Jennie continued to look up at him, ready to begin acting.

“And...ACTION!” the director announced.

As soon as he heard the director say action, it was like a switch went off of V as he looked up and appeared lustful towards her and a little crazed.

With her back connecting to the wall with a harsh thud, Jen did not flinch when V lunged and slammed his hands on the wall, trapping her while staring sharply into her eyes. The sound of his hands slamming on the wall made a loud sound as they maintained eye contact. The song played in the background while they proceeded to act out their scene.

‘Taehyung and Jennie filming part of their sexy scene together. Strong eye contact!’

She stared at him, unamused, making sure not to give in to anything he was trying to offer. She then turned her head away, facing the camera when he inched closer with a wicked grin on his face. She felt his warm breath against her cheek before he began to move down to her neck as she appeared to have an ongoing battle with giving him her attention. Lust was clear in his eyes as he tried his best to tempt her.

While still staring at the camera with a sexy gaze, she began to lip sync.

How much longer before you consume me?

No matter how much I resist, I can’t fight what you’re doing

My mind is telling me to break free but my body screaming out

No, I can’t want you, get out of my head

As you kiss every inch of me you see that I want it too

Breath on my neck, I bit off more than I can chew

V placed his forearm over her head and she looked up at him. She shook her head and was about to look away again but this time he grabbed her chin with his other hand and made her look at him.

Their faces were extremely close as their lips were centimeters away from each other. As they both glanced at each other's lips, it was like he was luring her to kiss him, wondering when she’d crack as he slowly felt her losing resistance.

Reflecting on my choices, I’m wonderin’ if there’s any way out of this.

I’m losing this battle, I just can’t resist this

Only a matter of time before you screw me up and I’ll be stuck reminiscing

With that sinister smile on his lips, he stuck his tongue out and bit his bottom lip lightly. Pulling herself together and realizing how close she was to giving in, she shoved him back. Quickly, she walked away while he watched her go, satisfied.

“Great!” the director announced.

As soon as they heard him say that, Jennie and Taehyung burst out in laughter, unable to hold it in anymore. After she walked back to him, they bantered to each other at how funny this was for them to do this. This was War of Hormone but on a whole different level of mature sexiness.

Although they weren’t sure how much of this footage would be in the MV, the staff wanted them to improvise. For another take, Jennie stood on his shoes to make herself higher and placed a hand on the back of his shoulder while looking over his shoulder at the camera in front of her. With her free hand, she ran a hand through his blond hair. Then for another shot, she stood in front of him with him behind, holding her close while she lip synced.

When they went to see the footage with the director, they analyzed their movements and made sure everything was top notch. Taehyung laughed nervously when watching himself be so forceful with her.

“Ennie, I am so sorry,” he grinned nervously. “Did I hurt you?”

“No, no, I’m fine.” she smiled in reassurance and turned back to the video.

Her face felt flushed when watching herself act sensuous. It was still so weird to see herself like that. But she was proud of her efforts.

"This is...intense," she looked on. "Is this going to be appropriate for the music video rating? Oh gosh. And maybe it was a good idea to wait until the members left to film. Because oh my gosh, their reaction to this? We’re never going to hear the end of it. Maybe this can be a Bangtan Bomb if all of this doesn’t make it in the music video,”

“Ennie looks radiant in this. Wow, so beautiful,” Taehyung praised.

“Oh stop~. Look at you! ARMY is going to blush when they see you in this music video. A born visual he is,”

“Thanks, Ennie. We make a great team,” he pulled her in for a kiss on her temple.

“This was perfect!” the director praised after watching all of their footage. Their chemistry was impeccable, to say the least. “We don’t need to take another shot of this scene. We’re finished,”

“YAY~! We did it!” Taehyung cheered and joined Jennie in jumping around while holding hands in excitement.

‘Day 3’

The final day of filming started with Jin who was supposed to kiss the statue and Jen was in the background.

“Action!”

The camera followed Jennie quickly as she was dashing down the hallway. But she was suddenly grabbed from behind by V as she yelled, “Don’t! Snap out of it!“

That seemed to have made Jin pause as he looked back to see the two. But in the end, she helplessly watched Jin fall into temptation.

After the scene, all the members are together, acting like good friends. The scene was supposed to show them being free and mischievous. Jen strolled a little behind the boys, smiling at them while looking around. Her attention caught Jin staring at the painting called The Fall Of The Rebel Angels. There were two entrances on each side of him as he stood in the middle. A black entrance and a white entrance. One good and one bad. To resist or sin.

Jennie went up to him, standing in front of the white entrance. Gently grabbing onto one of his hands, he turned and looked down at her while she smiled, gesturing for him to follow her to the white entrance. But then V came over and stood on Jin’s other side, in front of the black entrance, which made Jin turn his attention to him. V smirked at the both of them while Jennie slowly dropped her smile, fearing for the worst.

After the members ran through the door and Jin was left behind, Suga was supposed to cover Jin’s eyes and after a few takes it looked funny due to his height, so Jin suggested switching partners. V replaced him to cover Jin’s eyes instead and it worked perfectly. Then for their final filming session, they were filmed performing the choreography.

When the director said cut, Jen turned around to see Jimin looking exhausted as he leaned forward, putting his hands on his knees. Jin went over to him and placed a hand on his back, looking concerned.

'Gosh, I hope he’s all right,’ she thought as she chose to keep her word by leaving him alone.

After the group performed the dance one last time, the director announced they were done and BTS celebrated with cheers and ran around, proud of their hard work.

------------

A few days later, Bangtan was filmed doing a dance practice for BST so it could be posted as a Bangtan Bomb. Jen found herself getting more and more frustrated and concerned for Jimin’s well being but chose to stay out of it to avoid another argument. She wanted to respect his space and wishes but it was eating her inside to see him look light headed every time he moved.

She wasn’t sure if it was people on social media who made fun of his weight or something but whatever it was, it made her upset to see her friend like this.

She was distracted. Her conversation with Namjoon went through her head and she found herself glancing over at Jimin from time to time. He wasn’t himself. She noticed how he would stumble sometimes and hold his head. She feared something bad was about to happen.

With Jimin, he was feeling dizzy due to the lack of energy and food. His lightheadedness was getting stronger as the song progressed. After jumping around during the dance, Jimin felt himself falling back, and losing consciousness.

By instinct, Jennie ran up behind him to catch him. She fell hard on her butt, wincing at the impact. But all that mattered was that Jimin was OK in her arms. She could deal with some pain.

“Jimin!” she shouted with fear in her voice as the members rushed to him.

"What happened!? Is he all right?! Jimin!” loud commotion surrounded them as they tried to help him.

Everyone freaked out when he passed out and staff tended to him until he regained consciousness. Jen stood out of the way after the staff took over. Jimin kept reassuring everyone that he was fine and could keep going but dance practice was canceled for the rest of the day and he was told to rest.

At the dorm, Jimin went to rest like he was told and ate a little. Jen was happy to see him trying to put something in his stomach after passing out as well as continuing to drink water.

“That was scary, Jimin. You sure you’re all right?” Taehyung asked with concern as he sat on his bed with Jungkook. “I’m glad Jennie caught you before you hit your head on the floor. That would have been even scarier,”

The new information he was told sparked Jimin’s interest as he looked astonished that it was her. He did feel something soft before he lost consciousness.

“She caught me?”

“Yeah, it was like she zoomed right behind you before you connected to the floor,” Jungkook added. “Like she knew something was wrong. I know you have your reasons for doing this but please be careful with the diet. We’re all here for you, you know that,”

Jimin nodded. He was grateful for Jennie catching him. He seriously could have given himself a concussion since he fell so abruptly. He found himself wanting to see her. But then he remembered that she wanted to give him space and was going to wait until he was ready to forgive her. To tell the truth, he had forgiven her as soon as she apologized. But he chose to let her go and see how long she was going to give him space. She did a great job letting him be, and respecting his wishes. He asked himself how long he was going to continue to ignore her.

But in the end, he missed his friend.

He missed his Ennie.

He knew she was trying her best to be a better friend and not lash out like she did. To show more compassion in his struggles instead.

Later that evening, Jen went to peep into Jimin’s room to find him sleeping while Taehyung and Jungkook were still with him. The way she stuck her head in the room hesitantly was noticed by the two boys as they waved and smiled.

She sighed, worrying about Jimin’s well being as she walked in the room. In a hushed voice, not wanting to wake him, she asked, “How is he?”

“Doing good,” Taehyung responded while Jimin listened in, with his eyes still closed.

The sound of her voice made it hard to resist smiling but Jimin kept a neutral face. It was good to hear her ask about him although she still wanted to give him space.

“He ate quite a bit too,” Jungkook added.

“Great. As long as he’s ok. He scared the shit out of me, man...” she said, thinking about how he passed out.

“He gave us all quite a scare. I’m glad you were there to catch him, Jagi,”

“Yeah, you were so fast,” Tae pointed out.

“I dunno what came over me but something told me to keep an eye on him during practice. Well, I just wanted to know how he was doing. I’ll see you guys in the morning. Good night,” she turned to leave.

“You’re leaving already?” she heard Jimin say as he opened his eyes.

Turning back around, she answered in surprise, “Oh, I thought you were asleep. I just wanted to check on you and give you your space,”

“Can I have a moment alone with her?” he requested as he sat up.

“Sure. We’ll be gaming,” Jungkook answered and left the room with Taehyung.

Once they were left alone, Jimin spoke softly. “Thank you,”

“For what?” she looked at him in confusion.

“For catching me when I passed out. Thank you,”

“Always,” she nodded a few times.

“You can come closer, Ennie. I don’t bite,” he chuckled softly and gestured for her to come over to the bed.

The sound of her nickname made her stomach flip as a small smile came across her face. She did what she was told and sat on his bed.

“...how are you feeling?” she asked softly.

“I’m feeling better,” he responded truthfully. “I felt good after eating something,”

“I'm glad to hear you say that,”

Jen was surprised when he reached out to hold one of her hands.

“I’ve been thinking about our friendship since you apologized,”

“Me too,”

“What you did that day really hurt me,”

She nodded. “I know...and I’m truly sorry,”

“I know you are. I see that you are. Over the days, I’ve been missing you and our friendship. Things aren’t how they are anymore and it makes me feel weird. I want things to go back to how they used to be with us,”

“Me too. You’re important to me,”

“You’re important to me,” he squeezed her hand lightly. “And I want us to treasure each other, move forward, and understand each other’s boundaries. I want us to be there for each other and support each other. When things get tough, I want us to talk it out privately without yelling or screaming. I know all friendships aren’t perfect and we’ll argue once in a while but let’s try to work on not yelling at one another like we did,”

“Yeah. I’ll do better and be a better friend to you. Again, I’m so sorry, Jimin,” she said as tears began to fall from her eyes.

"I'm sorry, too,"

He leaned in to kiss her on the forehead and then pressed his forehead against hers, closing his eyes. He felt a huge weight lifted off his shoulders. Less stressed about everything as he expressed himself to her. His eyes had gotten glossy as he pulled away to look at her.

With a smile, he reached out to wipe her tears with his thumb and then pulled her in for a close hug. A hug that was long overdue as they both felt relieved to hug each other again.

“It’s okay...” he murmured and placed a hand on the back of her head. “I’ll be okay...and we’ll be okay...”

They stayed like that for a while, enjoying each other’s company. It felt good to be forgiven and to move forward. Jimin was right, things were going to be okay.

After pulling away, he asked, “Can you stay?”

“Yeah, of course, I can,”

He let her in under the covers with him and they cuddled, before slowly drifting to sleep.

#bts 8th member #jungkook x oc #bangtan boys #bts #bts additional member #the bangtan gal #bts fanfic #bts fluff #bts scenarios #bts imagines #bts eighth member #bts female oc #bts female addition #bts female member #bts black oc #jungkook fanfic

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cornerstoreclown · 2 years

Text

His Blessing

Summary: This is a short one-shot ( 3454 words approx. ) where the reader has convinced Art to roleplay a hostage situation with them where they get to be one of his victims. Don’t worry, the reader comes out of this fic fine! I genuinely promise, I would tell y’all if otherwise. The reader is gender neutral and has a vulva. The reader is not specifically mentioned to have breasts either, so that’s up for the reader to decide what their chest looks like.

Content and Warnings: Consensual rough sexual activities, some light BDSM, vaginal fingering, biting, marking, some slight blood, hair pulling, knife play mention, mention of guns and the standard Art paraphernalia, corruption of the reader’s mind, slight transformation (?) that’s more along the line of new abilities of the reader during their descent to whatever Art is making of them. Art’s gift, as it were. Being his ‘favorite’ comes with benefits, after all!

Author’s notes: This was VERY hard for me to write but extremely indulgent. I struggled a lot, HAHA. I’ve written smut plenty a time, but doing it in a canon x reader fic is something I’ve done rarely. This one took so much time because of that. Anyway, I hope that those who are into this sort of thing, enjoy it! For those that are looking for more domestic stuff, stay tuned--I got you.

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“Safe word is red,” You tell Art, looking over your shoulder at the man who has just tied you up with metal chains to a chair. You don’t get a response, but you know he’s listening. Your hands are bound to the armrests, your ankles tied to the legs of the chair, thighs parted for him. He finishes the job with a gentle boop to your nose, and you feel butterflies in your stomach, before you feel a little bit of chills down your spine. The room was cold, and being in nothing but a tank top and shorts didn’t do you a whole lot of favors.

However, given the circumstance, you anticipate that you’ll be warmed up in no time.

Art barged his way into your life, and you willingly let him in. He kept you safe, and you gave him a home. You were his, and he was yours. You’re not sure at what point when you were together that you began to feel less and less like the you that you knew before the Miles County Clown, but whatever influence he’s placed upon you without your initial knowing, you like it.

You were once shy, reserved. Now, he’s made you brave. He’s made you proud. You fear very little now. And for better or for worse, you’ve even found your mind a little twisted in the process, the thought of danger a thrill to you, and the very concept of others getting hurt a little… funny. People now notice how you look so much healthier, you seem happier, and that you’re far more charismatic than what you’d ever been. As of late, however, you’ve found yourself having a penchant for violence. The craving itches under your skin like a parasite, and hasn’t stopped since you first noticed it. It’s been driving your nuts, feeling like if you don’t act on it soon enough, you’ll go mad.

You remember telling him about your feelings and those urges, and Art only looked surprised, but your familiarity with him allowed you to see past that response–he was pretending like he didn’t know what you were referring to. Whatever he was doing to you, he was aware of it, and you were too. And yet, you didn’t bother to slip away from it. The red string of fate that is wrapped around your soul is attached to his too, but he’s not ensnared in it like you are–no, he’s the one keeping you restrained in it and has the string between you both wrapped solely around his arm, pulling you along with him like it were a leash.

The room is full of stained blood splatters at various locations that range anywhere from the ceiling, to the floors, and the walls. The chair you’re sitting on is also stained, and you’re not at all bothered by any of it. You’re not sure if Art had actually killed someone in here, if it was like this before he got here, or if the blood was his own–it was hard to say. He was pretty notorious for bleeding out and taking damage from time to time when wrangling someone. You’ve even tended to some of his wounds before in the past. What you do know is that the place smells a little musty, and there’s one light source, which is the single swaying lamp from the ceiling at the center of the room. Art has a workbench here full of improvised weapons behind you that you saw when you walked in. Things such as forks, glass bottles, scissors, screwdrivers, a hacksaw, an ice ax, pliers, some dental tools–it’s really a mix all out on the table and you didn’t have the slightest negative reaction when you saw it. In fact, you felt a little tickle.

So many things to torment you with if he wanted, and you’re exposing yourself to him trusting him to not kill you with any of it. He’s inflicted pain on you before because you’ve asked for it, and even then, you knew he was showing self restraint during those times, waiting to see if you’d beg for him to stop, and you never did. He’d cut you, choke you, slap you, yank you by your hair, but all of it was wanted. It was something he was even happy to oblige you on.

Something along the way of all those times, there was a change to your body. Your wounds healed fast in the way that his would, and the sensation of pain in your brain transformed to pleasure. It had to be because of him, you reasoned. There was no other way, there couldn’t be. He was changing you, not just mentally, but physically. You don’t know how, but you do know you don’t care to know anymore, because it is what it is at this point. He’s molded you into the perfect toy, built you up from the ground up in such a way that any sensation of pain only fires off reward signals in your brain. You’ve been completely rewired.

Being tied up and at his mercy is what you wanted. You told him yourself that you wanted to be in his victims shoes, that you wanted to feel the way that they felt. This wasn’t something that you ever initially wanted and even once would be horrified to humor. But people were allowed to change, you told yourself. You were allowed to change. What’s wrong with a little consensual roleplay with a killer clown? Nothing like feeling like you’re walking on a tightrope at all times.

Art runs a hand across the side of your face as he lingers behind you and the chair you sit in. You lean into his touch, feeling yourself melt a little. For someone who could kill and maim so effortlessly, those same hands were capable of much kindness, but only reserved for you. Hands that could rip your jaw clean off the hinged joints, don’t. They only caress.

With his other hand, you feel his fingers massage your scalp before they sharply ensnare your hair and yank your head back to look up at him. It’s then that you are forced to see him looking down at you and towering over you, and you admit—he looks a little intimidating and there’s not a glimmer of kindness on his face to be found for the role he’s playing. The tug hurts a little and draws a light huff of air out of you, but you’re fine. You’re great, actually! You feel the way that your lips are beginning to turn upwards, the muscles on your face aching with just how wide your smile is. He’s smiling at you in turn, and when your eyes meet in understanding, you feel a glow erupt from your core, enveloping you like a warm blanket. He was aware of his position to play, but to see that flicker of awareness only solidifies your trust. He’s gone this far to put this much work into you, why stop now?

Anticipation has your heart beginning to race and you sigh, desperate to get more air into your lungs to keep up with your body’s demand for oxygen.

Despite all these tools he has around him, you noticed earlier that he has none in hand. He could have used the knife on you again, he could have made you fellatiate a gun like last time. He could have pulled out a saw like that one night when he tried to frighten you. It’s during this smile of his that you realize that the choice of weapon tonight is not anything handheld, but instead part of him–his mouth. He bares his teeth behind those curled up lips like a hungry lion, and how fitting when you’re easy prey, having nowhere to run as you’re bound up like a little present for his consumption. His jaw is strong, capable of tearing through bone and sinew, and yet it only further riles you up.

“I love you,” You tell him, and you mean it. You do. He knows you mean it, too. He enjoys the way that you adore him, and the way that your will bends so easily to him and your submission to him. You were at his mercy at all times. You’re alive because he decided to keep you alive. Every breath you took, it was because he let you. Even when the both of you were far apart, you felt him in you. His presence. His essence, implanted in the deepest depths of your being, growing and flourishing like an invasive vine feasting on the endless affection you held for him, strangling out any potential of who you could be without him. It’s gotten to the point where the thought of a life without him doesn’t even occur to you anymore.

Art lets go of your hair and makes his way near your side now, bending down as he seizes your face by your jaw, meeting you at your level. It happens too fast, and you don’t have much time to react when he comes close. You barely have time to register that his lips are pressing to yours, but when you do, your stomach flips. You feel his tongue trying to pry its way in your mouth, and you let it happen, eyes screwing shut tightly and exhaling heavily through your nostrils as the familiar taste of his bitterness registers upon your tastebuds. It’s not terrible, surprisingly, and you’ve learned to crave it. To crave him.

His kisses are always intoxicating, and with each one, you feel as if a part of you is being sucked away. And maybe it is. He’s forceful against you during, pushing against you so hard that your head goes back a bit. You taste iron before you feel it—pain doesn’t have time to settle as pleasure takes over and you realize that the clown bit your tongue. It’s not a lot of blood, but enough that it floods the space between your kisses together and flavors the exchange. He’s sloppy when he kisses, and each time you try to pull back, he follows in such a passionate way that you think he’s almost trying to eat you. When he does finally back away, you innately know that your lips are stained red with your own blood.

Your eyes meet his again when he pulls back, and there’s no sign of anything that indicates that he’s got much thought behind them beyond the calls of carnal desire, ravenous hunger, or brutal violence.

You think it’s all three right now. At least, until he went for your neck.

“Art–!!” You only manage to get out his name, gasping as he drags the top row of his teeth across your throat, yanking your head back by your hair again, this time to expose your jugular to him proper. He gives a nip, then a suck and a kiss. Your hands ball into fists as you stare at the ceiling and the various blood spatters. It’s the only thing you COULD do.

He’s marking you, and you can’t do a single damn thing about it. You can feel that where he’s doing it, that cheeky bastard is kissing and licking and sucking the spaces on your neck that’ll be hard to cover up if you don’t use something like a scarf or a turtleneck. Your eyes shut tightly again as you feel his other hand traveling down your bare shoulder, leaving a trail of fire that has your body temperature rising. You’re a whining and pathetic, whimpering mess, and you can’t do a damn thing.

It didn’t take much to stimulate you, not when it came to Art. He had a way with you, a familiarity with your body that made you ache and yearn for him. He knew what you liked, what you didn’t, knew how to unravel you from the inside out like it was a game, because it was. This was a game, for now, until he decided it wouldn’t be. And you’d hope he’d never have a second thought otherwise.

The way that his nails drag across your chest, where he could rip out your rapidly beating heart from your chest cavity and devour it whole, it bothers you not. It doesn’t bother you at the notion of how his hand is sliding down to your stomach, that he can rip and yank out your intestines to spill across the floor in front of you. Your eyes shoot open amid the kisses and nips at your neck when you recognize that his hand is slipping into your pants. He’s gone past your undergarments and settled that hand of his right between your thighs, with his middle finger teasingly tapping at your clit.

You inhale sharply, face twisting as you lurch back in your seat, squirming as he keeps your head in place by your hair. His kisses are trailing down from your neck to your collarbone. Art bites there too, and it stings before it feels awash with the buzz of pleasure that endorphins provide you. He’s dragging it out, testing your patience while he’s sliding his fingers up and down between your thighs when you just want him to get straight to the point and fill you with him, whether it be his dick or his fingers. You ache, you feel empty without him, and he’s got you gritting your teeth, nails digging crescent shapes into your palm from your clenched fists.

The clown drags his tongue back up your neck, causing you to shiver as the hair on your arms and the back of your neck stand up. Your face twists into something ugly when that hand of his between your thighs presses against you, palm against your clit and his fingers dangerously close to penetrating you. Instead of following through on that, he forces you to grind into his hand, and you do, desperately.

The heat between your legs only grows, his touch stoking the fire. You know you’re soaking his fingers–you can feel it. When he lets go of your hair once more and you have control again, you move your neck to get a look at him.

The moment you make eye contact is the moment that he inserts a finger in you. Your jaw drops and you gasp loudly.

He wanted to see your face the instant that he slipped in, and he’s not disappointed, going so far as to part his lips in the way that you are now, a reflection for you to see of how your own expression appears, like a mirror. Only, he eventually gives you an amused and twisted smile.

“Art…” You get his name out a second time, but once he’s got you set, he’s back at your neck again like some sort of goddamn vampire. This time you expose your throat to him in devoted submission, offering him the opportunity to rip your trachea straight out of you between his teeth if he wanted. Instead, he bites and sucks again. Your neck is going to be so bruised up after all this, you think. He wanted people to know you were his, and his alone. He’s made that quite clear, and that’s not a fact he’s shied away from in the past with you. Hickeys are nothing compared to literal murder he’s done for you as a means of showing those feelings.

One finger turns to two after a few thrusts, and he stretches you out so good with both fingers. He makes a scissoring motion with his index and middle, taking the time to prepare you for the third one.

You can only moan.

He’s even taking his time with the pacing, putting his whole hand into it as his fingers move in and out in such a way that, while still satisfying, you wish he’d go faster. You’re not chasing your release–he’s bringing it to you, building you up in such a sickeningly sweet and leisurely way that’s torture, and it’s plain to see on your face. No amount of improvised weapons could make you look as agonized as you are when the eventual third finger goes in and he’s got you whimpering and shaking. The only noise that’s heard in this otherwise silent space is you, the rattling of your metal chains keeping you stuck to this chair, and the sounds of Art’s fingers sliding in and out of you.

His easy pace begins to transition into a faster one, and you feel the shift that would otherwise have your legs shut if they weren’t forcibly chained open.

“Fuck…” You whimper.

The sound of his hand smacking into your thighs is loud, to the point where it’s eventually the only thing in your ears you can really register, and you’re sure it’s the same for him too.

Your climax is close, and you feel it rising inside you like an ocean tide. Art’s kissing your shoulder again, but you're too lost in the tingling between your legs. It’s hard to think right now—he’s since gone from pulling you up the mountain to pushing you right to the ledge, and now he fully intends on shoving you off.

You feel your muscles tighten and your toes curl, your breaths becoming sharp as your lips part, jaw slack. He can feel it coming, he can feel the way that your thighs and muscles clench and your body begins to tense up.

You feel as if your soul is about to separate from your body, until there’s a slight jolt of pain, right in the middle space between your shoulder and neck. Warmth and endorphins flood to the source as your eyes open and your head turns, where you see that Art is biting you.

It’s too late, not even those jaws could seize your soul to put it back into your body as your orgasm wracks throughout you, the initial pain that’s since transformed into pleasure working in tandem with his fingers between your thighs. He did it on purpose, waiting for the perfect moment, and it worked.

Your eyes shut again and behind your lids are fireworks, a collage of colors all at once, and then there’s nothing. You feel light as a feather, and then the steady decline as you feel yourself weighed down by gravity again. It’s enough all at once for your head to slump.

You need a minute or two to recover. And Art gives it to you. He’s at least that merciful.

As you regain yourself again, you feel his fingers slip out of you, leaving you empty, but satisfied, and when you finally lift your head, he’s licking his fingers, tongue curling around his digits, reveling in the taste of you. He’s looking rather shameless about it too, sucking his fingers like he’s just handled the best dessert. You even see that your blood is on his lips, smeared down his white chin. The muscle between your shoulder and neck has a distinct marking of where his teeth were, along with the unmistakable crimson smudges that you know is your drying blood. The wound is already clotted, impressively enough, your skin is well on its way to knitting itself back to pristine condition as if nothing had ever happened to begin with. In three days tops, it’ll be gone. Pretty impressive, actually.

You can tell he’s smug, even though it might not be direct. It’s there. You know it is. It makes you huff another laugh. You’re not in any pain. You’re fine, fit as a fiddle.

You have his blessing, after all.

“Shit,” You mumble, just above a whisper. “That was good. Can you free me?”

When you expect that he’d oblige your request, Art has a glint in his eye, with a smile to follow through. You thought you were done, but it’s clear you’re not. Your stomach flips again in delight.

He instead heads somewhere out of view behind you, presumably to his bench, but you don’t really know. Was he finally getting the knife out? Was he going to try and scare you? You’re not sure, but you’re ready for anything. He’s trained you well.

No need to worry about strapping yourself in for the ride, you’re pretty secure as is right now, aren’t you?

“Remember, the safe word is red,” You remind him, glancing over your shoulder.

His back is to you when you look behind you. He’s fiddling with something purposefully hidden from your view, but he does give you a glance, and an understanding nod. He knows.

You look forward again, face turned away from him, and smile to yourself.

The fun was just getting started.

#art the clown x reader #art the clown x you #art the clown #terrifier 2 #coulrophilia #slasher x you #slasher x reader #minors DNI #18+ fanfic #I think I've read over this thing like 10 times and at this point I'm just hitting the post button #hitting post and turning my head the other direction #I would like to thank the song Hungry by Suzy Wu for accompanying me during this writing #canon x reader

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sooinbloom · 8 months

Text

The Kingdom of Us

Chapter 4

pairing: kyungsoo x OFC genre: Royal!AU, nonidol!soo, crownprince!kyungsoo, romance, drama theme: arranged marriage, modern royalty, enemies to lovers, war, betrayal, eventual smut word count: 5,607 description: Kyungsoo comes to terms with his true feelings while Alina finally accepts what her life has become. warnings: mature themes, mentions of sex, mentions of possible assault, mild violence, minors DNI

author’s note: Hello dear friend! I’m feeling so much better now. I’ve worked really hard on editing this chapter and I hope that you enjoy it. Getting into Kyungsoo’s mind will definitely be interesting. Photos are not mine. Happy reading!

KYUNGSOO

I watched Alina shiver as I called her mine. The way her pupils dilated as I said those words to her told me everything that I needed to know. She was all I could think about for the rest of the night. Even through drills this morning, I wanted to see her react that way to me again. I loved pushing her buttons to see what would get her the most flustered, it seems calling her mine does wonders. Alina challenged me, no woman has done that to me before. She also irritated the hell out of me with her walls being so high that I can’t break through them. No one is going to buy this act if she’s so tense around me all the damn time.

Before the betrothal, I couldn’t be bothered with the thought of love or the notion of it. I didn’t want it. I had dated before and had one serious relationship but that was it. I never had to worry about my needs being met or not. I saw what “love” can do to people. Mother came to mind with her selfish actions that almost caused a scandal if it wasn’t kept under wraps. An affair with a royal guard can do that, and it changed Father’s outlook on the betrothal completely. Lady Daeun used to by my caregiver, but Father instead assigned her as Mother’s “assistant”, a fancy word for chaperone. Every single day, Mother is miserable that she’s figuratively chained to Father forever. It didn’t help that their marriage was also arranged. I didn’t want Alina to be that miserable with me. I didn’t want to end up like my parents.

Once drills ended, I left the Training Grounds and made my way to the gardens. The entire walk there I gaslight myself into believing I’m not doing this for any other reason except to see what will make her break. And what kind of dress she was wearing. Alina’s body was like a sculpted work of art, and the dresses she wore enticed my attention. I had dreams of taking those pretty dresses off of her and drown myself in between her hips. The thoughts get darker when she wears the dresses that lace up on her chest… Kyungsoo, focus!

Grandfather always said that there would be one woman that would change my point of view on love, and he hoped it would be Alina. His hope was fulfilled. My heart started beating the moment I saw Alina. I hated how she made me feel, this whole light feeling in my head and the heart palpitations… If love is so great, why do I always feel like I’m going to die when I think about her? The worst part about it is that it’s not like Alina had to do anything in particular, she just was… I can’t even explain it.

I stop when I hear her soft voice whimpering at the same corner she always sits in. I peer over the hedges to see her on the phone, her face wet with tears.

“Ana… I… I thought he would be different. When I first saw him, I swear I fell in love. He has made it so clear that he’s rejected me. This family rejected me. How… No, Ana. I can’t keep being patient. He’s not gonna come around. He won’t. Is there something wrong with me for being in love with him? Mmm… This is different than Seth and your marriage. You’re happy and having a baby!”

Hearing Alina sobbing about me on the phone with her sister made me nervous. Now I’m going to look like a complete asshole to her family. I don’t need that. I also didn’t need to hear what I heard next.

“And that’s the other thing. Duke Chanyeol won’t take a hint. He visited me again today and was so flirty. I don’t understand, we haven’t spent more than a few hours together. Ana, you know his reputation. I don’t want him. I want… this is so stupid… Please… Tell me if I’m being stupid about this… About Crown Prince Kyungsoo…” Chanyeol did what?

That’s it. No more games.

I turn away and head straight for Chanyeol’s cottage, my sights were set on him and only him. Fury burns in me that I can’t control anymore and he needs to know I’m serious about this. I barge through the door and see him getting cozy with a girl he’d been talking to, which enrages me even more.

“You. Get up. Now.” I growl.

“Oh my GAWD. Crown Prince Kyungsoo!” The girl’s eyes widen. I pay her no mind and focus on Chanyeol.

“Baby, just go to my bedroom and wait for me there.” Chanyeol coos and guides the girl up and away from the couch. Once she’s out of sight, I pull him by his shirt and slam him onto the wall. “What was that for?”

“I want you to listen, I’m only going to tell you once.” I pick him up off the ground and hold him by his arm. “I don’t care what it is you think you’re doing, but don’t mess with Princess Alina. You don’t go near her. You don’t persuade her to leave me and make a fool of me for your selfish desires. You can do whatever the hell it is you do with other women but not her. I don’t give a damn if we’re blood or not. If you as much as look in Princess Alina’s direction, you’ll regret it. Understood?”

“What are you talking about?” Chanyeol asks with a devious grin. I grip his shirt tighter and shove him against the wall.

“You know damn well what I’m talking about. Princess Alina isn’t at your disposal. She’s not yours to toy with. I don’t know where you got the idea that you could be so bold with my princess.” I grit through my teeth.

“Your princess? Could’ve had my fooled. You barely even speak to her, let alone show any ounce of affection toward her. She may not be a sure thing but she can keep a secret. You said so yourself, I could have her, did you not? So, I’m trying to get her.” At that moment, all I can see is red. By the time I can blink, Chanyeol’s on the ground with a bloody mouth.

“This is the only warning you’re getting. Stay the hell away from her!” I yell and storm off. Something is definitely wrong with me if I was willing to punch my own cousin for this woman. I hope I’m not making an idiot of myself. I stop walking and shake out my hand, then the thought dawns on me. There’s only one way to know what Alina really wants, and it’s in the pages of her diary. I’ve seen her writing in it, it only makes sense the truth will be in there. I take my phone from my pocket and call the only person I know that can get the diary without an issue.

“Baekhyun? I need a favor.”

That night, I tossed and turned in bed. My head is a disaster of the consequences of Chanyeol not listening to me. Thoughts of him trying to seduce Alina heightened my anger and made her words keep repeating over and over as if on a loop in my memory. Is there something wrong with me for being in love with him? Tell me I’m being stupid about this… About Crown Prince Kyungsoo…

She’s in love with me. I don’t understand how but she is. Was it the waltz in the garden? How I told her she was mine? Or how she took all of this way too seriously? I pushed it down and did my best to ignore it, but it kept coming back up and settling in my chest. It could all be bullshit, but I’ll find out once I get my hands on her diary. The sun started to rise through the window and I needed air.

I got out of bed and got myself ready to go on a walk around the Palace property before drills. The crisp autumn air greeted me with a welcomed chill. As I neared the opening of the trail, I saw Alina casually pacing with her head down focused on her phone. I’ve never seen her in sweatpants before, this is new. Who is she talking to? I stop myself and take a breath. This is my chance to once and for all prove to myself that I don’t really have feelings for her and we can move on.

“Good morning, Princess.” I greet Alina.

“Crown Prince… Good morning.” Alina mumbles with hesitation. She shoves her phone in her sweatpants pocket and places her hands in her hoodie. She looks exhausted as if she hadn’t slept well. Concern riddled me and I cross my arms in front of my chest, trying my best to not reach for her. “I was texting Ana, my sister. You look like you want to to ask so let’s get that out of the way.”

“Are you alright?” I ask, ignoring her statement.

“Yeah, just couldn’t sleep is all.” She replies quickly. Guilt starts to pick at me. I probably wasn’t helping the situation.

“Why couldn’t you sleep?” I watch Alina fidget with the engagement ring on her finger. Warmth floods my veins at the sight of my ring resting so nicely on her hand.

“Oh… No reason.” She mutters.

“Would you care to go on a walk with me?”

“I would rather…”

“There are things we need to discuss, Princess. I sped up the engagement and we have decisions to make.” I know it’s not the best practice to lie, but how else would Alina spend time with me? Reluctantly, she walks toward me with defeated eyes.

“Lead the way.”

I try my best to hide my smirk and start walking the trail that leads into the forest, knowing how much she loves it. “I know I was supposed to formally give you the engagement ring at the Ball, I jumped the gun. I’m uncertain if a long engagement is a good idea.”

“We were given 90 days. We’re practically 30 days in, so we’re on track. I am surprised you gave me the ring so soon.” Alina comments, looking down at the glimmering diamond.

“You seem to like it. The ring.” I was hoping she would. I spent hours on the phone with her sister, Ana, to get everything right. She’ll never know that, of course. It also scored me some points with Ana, to her I’m the most ideal man for her baby sister… or I was, depending on how the conversations have been going between the two.

“I do.” Alina agrees. “Every detail was thought out. Something I wouldn’t expect from you.”

“Oh, you hurt me!” I clutch my chest. We walk further into the forest and Alina takes a deep breath. I watch her chest rise and fall, the circles under her eyes more apparent as she struggles to open them. She yawns softly with her hand covering her mouth and turns to me.

“I appreciate the thought, Your Grace. Though… I think our fathers waited too long for an alliance. They could have forged one years ago without marrying us off.” Alina muses. “Politically speaking, our kingdoms becoming true allies will help during this time of uncertainty. Really, there couldn’t have been a better time for this alliance to be officially formed. We’ve been shadow allies for as long as I could remember. However, now that we’re getting married, we have more of an advantage when it come to helping the subjects of both of our kingdoms. We can give aid to the hospitals and facilities for the people that need mental health care from previous wars, both veterans and civilians. We can do a lot for the poor and volunteer our time to helping where we can. It’s my mission once I am Crown Princess.”

Her reasoning brought me to a halt. She knew a lot more than she led on… Or that I paid attention to. I’m curious what else lies underneath the surface, I’m intrigued… I want to know more. “You really do care about your people, don’t you?”

“Of course. My life is meant to be in service to them. Even if I’m not Valencia’s Princess anymore, our alliance still gives me a chance to help my people.” She nods.

The last couple of minutes were the most we’ve gotten along since we met. Perhaps our conversations should be led by politics and not our personal relationship… Or lack thereof. I listen to her ideas of donating money to various operations and volunteering our time to them. Seoul Royals hardly go to the front lines to help, but Alina wanted to change that. Valencia is known for their charity, I didn’t know how to implement changes like that, but it looks like I’ll have to try. I nod in agreement and look over at her.

“I believe we can have a decent plan of action once you’re Crown Princess. We must discuss the formalities.” I muse, holding back my real sentiments.

“We can come to a formal agreement after the wedding… Which will be when?” The warmth started to appear in her eyes again. Ana told me how Alina wants a beautiful, simple wedding. I wonder if it matters that she’s marrying me, or does she just want a beautiful moment for herself?

“That’s up to you. Whenever you’d like.”

“I was asked for my preferences of colors and flowers this week. It should be soon I guess. I don’t have any date in mind to be honest… Other obstacles appeared in my path, Crown Prince.”

With a sigh, I decide to start this next part of the conversation by apologizing to get her to open up a little bit. “Princess. I want to apologize.”

“Please, stop Your Grace. I’m getting tired of the mind games. And how you never cared about the betrothal law. I could keep going.” Oh, she’s stubborn. She pouts when she’s irritated, it’s cute, it makes up for her stubbornness.

“There won’t be any more mind games. My relationship with that Princess from the Emirates was a one-off thing, and I know I was being selfish. I…”

“That bitch.” Alina mutters under her breath. Her cheeks turn red at the realization she said it out loud. “Forgive me, Crown Prince.”

“Who are you talking about?”

“No one, I… well… Your ex-girlfriend is my good friend, Samira. Former friend I presume now. She told me all about your secret relationship… Everything about it. Knowing you were betrothed to me. I knew every detail except your name. She has some nerve RSVPing to the Ball.” Alina rants.

Princess Samira and I met by chance. Our relationship quickly turned physical, I wouldn’t really call her a girlfriend. I did all the boyfriend things she wanted just to shut her up. She’s a beautiful girl but was too clingy for my liking. The moment she started talking about running away together to get married and nagging me about it, I broke things off. It was a year of fun, but obviously not worth it. Regret quickly forged its way through me, but seeing Alina jealous was quite entertaining. It’s amusing how the tables have turned. I stop walking and laugh. Alina slowly turns and crosses her arms.

“Isn’t it ironic how you were upset at me for being irritated about you and Chanyeol being alone, and here you are being jealous?”

“I’m not jealous! I’m angry that my own friend would betray me with the Prince I was set to marry! All of the bouquets of roses. The gifts. The… Explicit rendezvouses…” Alina trails off. What exactly did Samira tell her? Alina eyes me and walks ahead of me. I call to her and jog to catch up with her steps, reaching for her hand. She snatches it away but I take it again while turning her to face me. “You’re… Adventurous, Crown Prince.”

“Princess, don’t sit here and pretend you’re a saint. You had to have at least kissed someone else before. None of us are perfect.” I say cautiously, and the moment a small smirk appears on her face, I knew she wasn’t as innocent as she claimed to be. “Who did you kiss, Princess?”

“I… Well… Prince Gustavo of Bogota. It was just a summer thing when I was a teenager. His family came to visit Mariposa in their summer home and it just happened. He was my first kiss… But we just kissed. A lot.” Alina blushes. The thought of Alina kissing that bastard infuriated me. I had to be fair, I had a sexual relationship with her friend. I didn’t know Samira was her friend but even if Alina had some sort of relationship with Gustavo, would it be right for me to be jealous? It’s an even playing field now. I didn’t like it, but we just proved to ourselves that we aren’t puritans who follow each rule to the letter.

“Fair, I guess.” I muttered.

Alina giggles and continues walking. “Is this what it’s like to be in a relationship? Learning these things about each other? I’m uncertain I like the idea of knowing my friend’s sex trips were with… You. And knowing all of the things you did to her.”

“Like what?” I ask coyly, curious of what exactly Samira told her. “What bothers you the most?”

“Like I would divulge that to you!” She snaps with bright red cheeks. “I’ll do my best to forget it and move on, Crown Prince.”

“Just as I’ll forget that stupid, pompous jackass Gustavo made out with you whenever he could.” I say under my breath. Alina rolls her eyes and laces her fingers behind her back. We walk in silence and all I could think about was Gustavo kissing Alina. Is that why Alina doesn’t want me to kiss her? Because it meant something with Gustavo and means nothing with me? The thought comes to mind and I immediately regret it leaving my mouth. “Is that why you won’t kiss me? Because it doesn’t mean anything to you if I kiss you?”

Alina’s eyes widen and she shakes her head. “No. That’s not why, Your Grace.”

“Then what is it?”

“It’s because I know it means nothing to you.” She reasons. I bring our hands together, patting myself on the back for giving myself this opportunity.

“It does mean something to me.” I slowly reply, bringing Alina in front of me. I look into her tired eyes and brush my fingers on her cheek. “I want your permission to prove it, Princess.”

“Prove it, then.” Alina nervously grants my request. She doesn’t look too certain that I really do mean what I say.

I bring my hands to the sides of her face, my thumbs resting on her cheeks. Her breath hitches and for a moment, our lips barely brush. It’s not enough, I bring her closer and press my mouth on hers. I kiss her gently, slowly. Cradling her head in my hands, I can feel our hearts beating fast against each other as I part her lips with mine. Alina slowly takes me over second by second. I’m captured in her embrace, latched on to her like she gives me the air that I need to breathe.

God, I need her. I need her so desperately.

Her tongue slides across my bottom lip, and I fall deeper. I take the control back and explore her mouth, her soft whimpers fueling my awakened desires for her. My arms enclose her, our bodies melting together in a warm, gentle connection. I retract, pecking her lips to punctuate my words.

“I don’t want…” kiss, “to stop…” kiss, “this…”

“We have to.” Alina relents in between breaths. I’m frozen in the moment, dazed from our connection. She takes a few steps back with her arms stiff at her side. She’s fighting her intuition, her wants. Why? “This can be dangerous.”

“Princess.” I pathetically call to Alina, she gracefully comes back to me. Her lips are quivering and all I want is to soothe them with mine.

“I don’t know what I’m doing, Crown Prince.” Alina says nervously.

“Come here.” I bring our lips back together like a fiend getting his fix. I hold her in my arms and allow her in again. She presses me onto a tree trunk and grips my jacket, allowing herself to dissolve in me. Feeling her soft flesh pressed against mine is a new thrill I want to possess as much as I possibly can. As soon as I grip her hips, our connection stops short. Alina sighs, her face unreadable.

“Now I understand what mutually beneficial means.”

“What?” I allow her to pull away from me, as much as I don’t want it.

“Isn’t this what you wanted, Crown Prince? Now, I don’t think I mind it. It’s nice that there’s no strings attached.” Her words sink into me like knives as she walks away. I’m creating a monster. That kiss was other worldly, but she passed it off as being part of our agreement.

I did it. I proved to myself I don’t just have feelings for her.

I’m in love with Princess Alina of Mariposa and I have to stop this from spiraling out of control.

I watched the clock and yawned at the sight of the hands striking midnight. This meeting had been dragging on and on and the last thing I wanted to worry about was Azteco and their temper tantrums. The latest were propaganda filled newscasts about Seoul that spread like wildfire on the internet about me and how I’m power hungry. I could care less about that.

“…What will we do about the threat to the Princess, Your Highness?”

“What threat?” I sit up, my attention shoots to Commander Jongin, Head of Security and Strategy advisor. We became good friends when I first enlisted in the military, his intelligence and knack for finding weak spots in our plans made me recruit him for my military personnel. Father couldn’t be bothered with these things, so he put me in charge of the Military. If we’re being honest, I do everything the King is supposed to do, just without the title. The only thing standing in my way of the Crown is tradition. If there’s a threat to Alina, it needs to be addressed. I can’t have a wedding if my fiancée is dead.

“Crown Prince, we have been made aware of a direct threat from His Royal Highness King Daniel toward Her Royal Highness Princess Alina. Attached is the transcript from our spies, Your Highness.” Commander Minseok, the Head of Intelligence, adds. Commander Jongin holds his hand up to me, signaling for me to stay calm and wait. Minseok hands me the transcript, as soon as I read what’s on the page I want to be sick.

Report to the Crown of Seoul in reference to King Daniel is as follows: King Daniel has sent spies to watch Princess Alina of Mariposa as she prepares to wed Crown Prince Kyungsoo in Seoul. These said spies have been captured and are being questioned by Seoul Military Police. His Royal Highness is requesting photos and updates of Princess Alina. He is desiring to remove Her Royal Highness Queen Maria from the Throne and have Princess Alina replace her, give him his “true heir” and be his wife. We have no evidence of a previous relationship between the two, only an agenda to cause the Doh Dynasty to fall. King Daniel uses vulgar terms to describe Her Royal Highness, please review the following conversation with caution.

- Lieutenant Jongdae

Conversation Transcript:

King Daniel: Have we heard anything about the Princess?

General 1: Which one?

King Daniel: The one that cries when I finish with her. Alina.

General 2: She’s pretty, Your Highness

King Daniel: Would I want an ugly bride? How are the plans for bringing her here to Azteco? Those hips of hers cannot only hypnotize men but give me the heir I so desire.

General 1: Plans are in motion, Your Highness. We must get her before she is set to marry the Crown Prince, correct?

King Daniel: I can have her whenever I so please! I miss her and how she feels. Her sister simply cannot compare. Kill anyone who gets in your way. Make sure her guard is down, understood?

Generals: Yes, your Highness!

“Your Highness, we are adding extra security…”

“That won’t be enough, General Junmyeon.” I growl, my blood boiling. I throw the transcript and jump to my feet. A line has been crossed that should’ve never been crossed. “I know what I have to do, General. Gentleman, we’re adjourning this meeting for the night. I will reconvene our gathering once I have a solid plan. Thank you.”

“Crown Prince!” Commander Jongin calls. “What is it that you’re going to do?”

“Following protocol for once, Commander. Seoul Law declares more protection for a Crown Princess of its Kingdom, not a foreign Princess. I must marry Princess Alina as soon as possible.” I explain. “Right after the ball, I must marry her.”

“Crown Prince! Don’t act in haste!” General Junmyeon calls. I turn and narrow my gaze on my trusted general.

“I have no choice, General. What use is this entire alliance if the woman I’m supposed to marry is kidnapped or dead? If you’ll excuse me, I have calls to make.” I exit the War Room and send a mass email to the Wedding Planning committee, demanding we speed things up. Once I get the approvals, a question still remains: what date will this wedding take place? Groaning, I just pick a date.

Next week. The 12th.

I finish the emails, receive more confirmations and set up wedding planning for the Princess, she must want to have some role in all of this. My thoughts get interrupted by a text from Baekhyun.

Meet me in my house. I have something for you.

“I got what you asked for.” Baekhyun grumbles, throwing himself on the couch. “Why you wanted Absolut Vodka and Alina’s diary? I don’t know. I mean… I’d be a mess if I found out my enemy was obsessed with my betrothed, too. But the diary?”

“Enough. I don’t wanna hear it.” I grip the bottle of vodka, then change my mind. I need to have a clear head because anything can happen at the drop of a hat. Also, I need to be sure I understand exactly what’s going on in Alina’s head. “It’s just for confirmation.”

“Confirmation of what? Isn’t it so cute how you deny your feelings for Princess Alina when it’s so obvious?” Baekhyun grins.

“Baekhyun…” I grumble.

“Well, go on. I didn’t pay a maid to swipe this for you to sulk and not read it.” Baekhyun takes a sip of vodka and nods. “Go ahead, get your confirmation.”

I feel sick reading Alina’s diary like this. I tap the wood of the table, contemplating opening it. I pick it up and it feels heavy, I open the hardcover and see Alina’s neat handwriting on the pages. I brush the words with my fingers, a new entry from today staring me in the face. With guilt-filled eyes, I begin to read.

I feel so lost, dear friend.

I feel worried for my health. I’m not sure when I got a good night’s sleep last. Sleep just isn’t something my body wants to do, especially being away from home for a month. It’s already been a month, can you believe that, dear friend?

I never leave the palace, I don’t want to. Queen Hyunae makes sure to leave me out of schedules now that we’ve gone on one together. Forgive me for speaking out of turn toward the Queen, but she can be so terrible to me. I don’t understand it! Duchess Boram isn’t any better. There’s two types of people in my life: those who love me, and those who want something from me. Majority of the people in the palace fall into the second category. Including the Crown Prince.

Dear friend, why must he be so handsome? I know it sounds vain, but it’s not fair someone so handsome can be so… Terrible.

Yet I want him.

There must be something wrong with me for being in love with a man who doesn’t even give a damn about me. Am I living on hope he’ll change?

I spent years daydreaming about escaping my life and building a new one with him, but he treats me just as all of the men around me do, save for Papa and my brothers Santi and Iggy.

My foolish heart felt safe in Kyungsoo’s arms. We kissed today. And it was perfect. I had to keep my guard up. So I played it off as it wasn’t a big deal… but it was, dear friend. That singular moment when it was just us, how his lips felt on mine. I wanted that moment to be stretched out for the rest of my life. All I want is to feel like I am loved, cared for, cherished.

I hope he doesn’t believe the rumors about the Monster and I. I thought I’d escaped him, but the maids were chattering about how he has been watching me. How he wants me on his throne, to be the mother of his children. I’ve never wanted anything less. I want to hide. I feel the Monster everywhere and I can’t escape it. I must tell Crown Prince Kyungsoo the truth. As much as I fear it, I have to. He won’t even want to look at me when he finds out the truth.

Dear friend, I’m leaving this entry here. I leave this entry as a fool. I want to go home… I wish this betrothal wasn’t mine to endure.

I put the diary down and feel more guilty for hurting Alina. I am everything she wished she'd never get in a husband. I never learned how to let my guard down. I don’t want to hurt Alina anymore. She’s been hurt enough by my own family and King Daniel, but in what way? I look out of the window and imagine Alina sitting in the garden alone with a cup of tea and her favorite poetry book. My heart flutters at the thought of the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. She deserves a husband who will love her, I don’t know how to be that but I’m willing to try. I close her diary and put it on the table.

“Find anything juicy? Was I right?” Baekhyun asks.

“Yeah. I saw enough.” I mumble. “Baekhyun, my expectations of her weren’t that bad, were they?”

Baekhyun rests his elbows on the arm of the couch. “I want you to think about it this way. The Princess is loyal. She’s intelligent. She doesn’t just sit back and agree with every word you say, she has her own mind. All you’ve been is an asshole to her. You have a good thing and you need to hold onto it. A loyal spouse in an arranged marriage isn’t common. Now, do you feel that pushing her away is a good way for her to stay loyal to you? It’s counterproductive and stupid.”

“Tell me how you really feel.” I nudge Baekhyun’s arm. “I don’t get it. I don’t know what happened.”

“You fell in love, you idiot.” Baekhyun laughs. “Let go of your pride and let it happen. What’s the worst that can happen? You’ll be happy? If you give a woman the world, she’ll give you the universe in return. Since you’re being a very rude host and not drinking the alcohol I bought for you, I’m just gonna go to bed. We have guests coming tomorrow, and I’m interested in seeing Princess Alina’s seamstress. All the way from Valencia, I heard she’s hot for a commoner.”

“You’re disgusting. Thanks for the… Whatever this was.” I roll my eyes.

“A romance strategy meeting!” Baekhyun cheers.

“Right. That. I’ll see you at the ball.” I take my leave and begin walking to my chambers. On the way there, the events of the day replay in my head. The words that Baekhyun said to me interrupted my train of thought. They had points, I can give this whole being nice to Alina thing a shot. I figured if I kept this up, I could find out the secret that she’s hiding. Unless what she was hiding was that summer fling with Prince Gustavo. Son of a bitch.

The kiss. Alina.

My pining for her grew so much that I had to make sure she was sleeping, that she was okay.

I had to find her, I had to prove to her that I was serious. While climbing the stairs, my body starts getting hot. I bite my lip to control the fury in my chest and the conflicting feelings that war back and forth. My concern and care turned to jealousy faster than I could keep up with. Could Chanyeol be in her bed? Could Alina be in Chanyeol’s bed? Is she thinking about Gustavo? I stop and scold myself for not trusting her, for getting so jealous. It was stupid, nonsensical. I turn around and plan to forget I even thought of checking on her.

That is, until I heard her screaming.

14 notes · View notes

lotusmi · 1 year

Note

hi lotus

(my english is not that good so sorry if i made a grammar mistake)

so i’ve been struggling with void i mean that my sound like a cliche and i know everyone is talking about that but still although i know that i can enter void i just haven’t entered yet and it just annoys me and like i know that i am the void and i tried your anons challenge i listened edward arts and i tried some void challenges too and like i even cried cause of that today and i just dont know.for example i listened edward art’s though false lecture and when i listened it like it was just same thing that i read from your post and other blogs post and like trust me i’ve read a lot but i don’t know like i persisted today after listening Edward’s video and like did what he said and after 3 hours i tried void but no i didn’t enter void like i simply just don’t know what to do at that point and actually i know everything but when applying something just feels off and like my parents are not that bad but i just don’t feel any connection with them and whatever they do it just makes me uncomfortable cause of things that they did at past (they hit me multiple times and they’re also abusive but i just don’t want to tell everything at tumblr)and like about persisting i can act like i have very good but inside of something feels off and cause of that i can’t persisting for so long i guess and like do you have some advices for me like i don’t what to do

(if i write same thing twice i’m sorry cause like while writing it i was emotional discharging)

i hope you reply this

The challenge was posted 2 days ago, the name of it is 'Faith'. Faith is believe in the invisible, and persist in your belief even if you don't see it yet. Did you hold faith? Faith is a decision, you decided you would believe you have because you saw it in imagination. And then, you persist. Why be so impatient? I know you did not felt natural and wanted to give up, but naturalness come with frequency, and frequency is not about time but frequency of acceptance. Ig that anon said it took them 1 week, correct me if I am wrong- I am not saying this so that you focus in time, but if others persisted, why would you not? This is a decision, you have the authority to decree that your decision in have faith and be persistent that you have what you want is the final word. Because you are not a slave in your mind, and if you are, you are your own slave. But I will ask you, you want to be free or slave? God or slave? You have the power to decide, to dare to assume, to be brazen imprudent, take no 'no' as answer. You said you would tap into the void? Then you already did. Why are you second guessing your own power if you could use your Imagination right now to confirm you have it? Decide not to wave, but remember you have it. And know that if you wave, nothing is lost because all is already yours. You are not a victim in your mind, only you can hurt yourself in the mind. So be honest with yourself and set your boundaries, because if you want something, you have, but you have to persist in having, and stop unknowledging 'failures' forget 3d, you did not tapped? Wrong! You did! Keep going assuming success and you will get what you are searching. Will you give up? Free or slave? God or victim? You already have, can you have faith and assume it then ignore 'facts' that deny your desire knowing you have them already? This is up to you to decide.

#Lotus's advice #law of assumption #loa blog #void state #loa advice

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platinumrosetail · 2 years

Text

So, moon cakiie decided to request for a almost different request as I wasn’t able to do their first request so I hope I do a good job on this one 😁

Warning: noob author, gn!reader, yandere characters, and others.

Characters: nezha, redson.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nezha:

You were a half god You met Nezha when you decided to go to a noodle shop you been planing on going for a while, he apparently was visiting one of the workers there from what he said when you accidentally bumped into him not paying attention to your surroundings.

In reality he was actually following you and wanted to met you after stal- observing you when he heard about you from your parent.

You two got to know each other as you ate at pigsy’s and soon became friends. When you two became a couple it was a few months; about four, after you broke up with your now ex as you noticed the red flags that they showed now with the help of nezha.

(I wanted to reference your original request since I wasn’t able to do that and cause I thought it would be interesting if I did 😁)

What you didn’t know was that nezha had made you think they had many red flags by any means he could get his hands on so you could finally be with him and he doesn’t have to kill anyone……yet.

You sometime go into the heaven realm to visit him and your parent to spend time with them, nezha hopes that you would choose to become a god so you can stay with him and not die like you would as a mortal.

Nezha and you usually stay in your apartment seeing as he doesn’t know how to act with any other being besides gods as it’s been a long time since he approached a full human in so long with how is godly duties been put up front until your parent had him take some duties off to spend time with you.

You mostly either cook or head to pigsy’s when you decide to eat something, though one time you and Nezha wanted to spend a date cooking for each other and both of you accidentally messed up and distracting each other too much and destroyed the food and ordered pigsy’s while you two clean the mess and have some laughs about it.

Redson:

You two met with your friends mk and mei, though it was later as you had been visiting your relatives and family so you could only meet him until after all the chaos that happened while you were gone.

You had bumped into him when you were going to pigsy’s to surprise the two ands went together to there and surprised them you did, especially because you arrived to there with Redson and he wasn’t insulting you like he usually do.

He was confused on how he doesn’t feel like insulting you and when he tries it always turns into a compliment than the insult he had planned to say in his head.

You spent four years being friends until you found out your spouse was cheating on you, which was actually do to redson secretly doing something to mind control your spouse into cheating on you even though it hurts him to see you in any kind negative emotions.

Though the relationship didn’t stop until a year later after you recovered the best you could.

The activities you two do afterwards are mostly done in the work shop of his, he makes arts and crafts with you with him doing the same but the ones he makes actual protect you from any unfortunate incidents that might occur or it knock you if see something you shouldn’t, which also erases you mind of that specific thing.

He makes sure to either have a bull clone guarding you when you go out and he couldn’t go with you but if you insist that you don’t need one he still makes sure to have one sneak around to protect you unless it can’t then he’ll come to save the day for you and make the that someone or something whichever it is suffer afterwards after getting you distracted so he can do just that without you knowing about his behavior.

(A/n: I hope you like it! Sorry it took me a little while longer to post this, I’ve been distracted a little bit I’m glad I can finally post it for you! I hope I did a good job on it, hope you don’t mind me making backstory’s for the reader it was the only way for me to make it have 7 paragraphs like I usually do, anyway, hope y’all have a wonderful day/evening/night!!!)

#anime #anime x reader #x reader stories #lego monkie kid x reader #various x reader #lego monkie kid #jttw #lmk nezha x reader #lmk nezha #lmk red son #lmk redson x reader

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theteablogger · 1 year

Note

Same anon re: costuming. CW for weight gain/loss & mentions of EDs

Yes, just as a couple of examples of things which I’ve dealt with which sprang to mind reading about Andy’s history and made me go “yikes”, from school:

- When taking measurements, were taught to *ask* people if they wanted to know them or not (if not, we wrote them down but didn’t say it out loud). I once had someone say before I could ask, “Please don’t tell me, I’m recovering from an eating disorder and can’t know stuff like that”.

- Re: not commenting on weight, that included changes. I re-measured someone from a start of the first semester show to end of the second and she looked significantly different. She kept apologizing because her measurements were larger and finally said that she’d actually lost a bunch of weight because she’d been sick and that’s why she’d been smaller before. I stuck to saying I was glad she recovered, but she was clearly scared of being judged for how her body had changed.

Those are just two things, but thinking about how he habitually talks about weight gain/loss, fatphobia, beauty standards etc around women—the negging, backhanded compliments and lectures from 2018, but also some of the stuff he reffed in that thread (and further back the way those types of situations were exploited for abuse!)—you can see why I find it alarming to think about that being a voice of authority in the context of an industry where actors are (far more than in the context of an art school) consistently under insane pressure with regard to diet and exercise culture, often at the expense of health.

With regard to stunts and SFF/Adventure genres, see here: https://amp.theguardian.com/film/2016/jun/29/why-stuntwomen-are-in-more-danger-than-men

The TL;DR is that tight-fitting costumes which cover less skin, high heels, shape wear etc all make it way easier to sustain injuries. I point it out mainly because it’s a pretty obvious difference between cosplay and actually doing things other than standing/walking around in costume, and also because it’s indicative of a culture where people are far less likely to be held accountable for safety than for making sure it’s all aesthetically pleasing. The “nightmare scenario” is always someone arguing over safety and comfort concerns (whether or not stunts are involved) because of the look and a performer not being able to overrule, and that tragically happens far too often. Even professionals don’t necessarily “call it out” among their peers, same with lookism & fatphobia from those who consider being skinny part of the job description.

It’s the very fact that AB’s online persona these days is all about awareness and sensitivity towards those issues that makes me both REALLY hope he’s serious for once and worried about who might suffer for it if he’s not, and it’s another case where “sensitivity” is used as a matter of knowing people’s “weaknesses”. That’s part of why learning the source of the thread shook me up so hard: it was because the ‘progressive’ industry language was almost right but just slightly off—and then “slightly off” was “Oh okay so when you say you’re intimately aware of people’s body image struggles, did you mean your job, or those times you psychologically tortured your exes? Or set off others’ dysphoria repeatedly? Or…” you get the picture :/

Thanks for writing back, anon! It's always helpful to get perspectives from people involved in costuming.

Well put, and I agree. His persona has been this way at least since he appeared on Tumblr in 2011, and he's definitely said and done plenty of shitty things since then. That's one of the reasons it's always so hard to believe that he's changed: he performs sincerity very well, but when he feels like he can get away with something (like in the summer of 2018), he doesn't practice what he preaches.

#andythanfiction #thanfiction #andrew blake #andy blake

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munchkin1156 · 1 year

Note

Any G/T OCs?

Thank you anon, for this chance to finally infodump about my g/t ocs! Just a fair warning, this miiight get long, we’ll see! (I have a lot of em.. So the short answer to your question, yes I do. The long ones under the cut…)

First off, we have my sona, Munchkin :D

(It’s a rather messy sketch, sorry about that)

Munchkin’s a sizeshifting borrower from the sacred realm, destined to try hard and fail.

She’s gotten backstabbed and killed too many times to count, the only thing keeping her alive is Amble, Red, and the group of friends she made as a person wearing a sparkly box from the silent realm.

✨anon✨’s design is interesting, because she’s still mostly herself, with her tail and personality, whereas most people would get consumed, considering it’s a pretty strong mask… huh, strange.

(Just to be clear, I’m not covering all my oc’s, just a few of them, because I’d rather not have over ten thousand words on this post accidentally)

We have Charlie and Adre, from UCD, links to chapter one and two here and here (it’s earlier on in my writing phase, so I’m warning you they aren’t very good, also it’s mainly been Charlie, with only a slight mention of Adre but oh well-)

Let’s have a spoiler for chapter three, shall we?

(A big thank you to my sister @huggablecat for editing this, she’s not a bot I swear- I’m horrible at digital art so thanks to her for taking the sketch and doing something amazing with it… she’s not ever going to see this but oh well-)

Charlie is a Dreamer, which is a small avian race that hates humans for burning the Astrodaryn forest and attempting to destroy all magic, forcing them to flee to the sky. The seeds they have hanging around their neck are from the forest, it’s where their magic comes from.

The goal is to get rid of the humans, and replant the forest. Read the first two chapters for more information.

Meanwhile…

Adre is a human that is called cursed due to his eyes. His pitch black eyes with white pupils, so therefore a lot of people assume he’s magic/dangerous and he gets outcasted.

I don’t want to say too much about him, I want to keep him a surprise for the most part, but let’s just say he finds a small bird person and the authorities aren’t very happy about that…

I have more ocs for this story, but they have not appeared yet/I haven’t made drawings of them/I don’t feel like looking for drawings rn :D

MOVING ON-

Vampire person? For a fake fic title that’s so old Becky probably forgot they gave it to me? Don’t mind if I do~

This is Jamie. They’re sick of being a vampire, sick of living forever, sick of having no one to care about. Aaaaand then they meet a group of friends that will change that forever.

It’s like, small vampire appears on YouTube, group of friends find them there, make videos together, while hiding the fact that they are small + a vampire, and as they grow more and more attached, the fear only grows…

Now, I’m getting tired and I have homework to do (WHYYYYYYYY) and things to memorise for tomorrows test, which is absolutely amazing, but it means I can’t make more detailed descriptions, so I’m just gonna dump a bunch of art, please ask questions about them if you want!

Anyways, let’s get started….

(That one’s not an oc, it’s for the dystopian au but I figured I might as well put it here)

Aaaand that’s all I can find! (For now)

Hope you like these anon, and uh… for the people that I’ve made digital art for/going to make digital art for, if it seems significantly worse, it’s cause I suck at digital art.

I’m really really bad at it. Sorry.

Kindest regards, Munchkin.

(OH SHIT WAIT THE TAGLIST-)

@i-am-beckyu, @da3dm, @brick-a-doodle-do, @faeiyn-cant-write yooooo check this outtt

Oh wow the taglist is getting longer-

If you want to be tagged, just dm, comment, or ask me!

Gooooooodbye!

(that’s supposed to sound like how grian says it, okay? OKAY?)

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shallowbreaths · 1 year

Text

I always said, “I want to write you as a character in a story. You would be glorious.” I suppose my imagination somehow considered that the only way to write someone was to make a caricature of sorts, but when it comes to you, which aspects should I push to the forefront and how do I write a character around those things that fit? You are unique. For YEARS I have written, and written (as you know I have) in story, in poems, in everything. It was never right. Well, I finally did it. I’m writing you now, feverishly (only pausing for my hands to uncramp), and I was right!! You are glorious! I changed a detail here and there, but they were the irrelevant type. No matter what I’ve created it was always empty, it could never outshine the reality, so I caved. Of course, if I wrote you as you are, then I had to write me as I am. It’s the bizarre and unusual way that the two work well together. It’s disturbing, it’s painful, it’s real, and then I’ll let them fall into the story and become whoever it is that they are meant to be, just the way that you and I fell apart and have continued to change and grow. There’s no way for me to write who you are now, and it would be crazy if I thought I could. So I started us as we were, where I went wrong, and then I turned it a couple of degrees. I added a word here, or a phone call there, and I made it so instead of me running from my mistake and leaving you heartbroken and hurt and outraged, I faced it and we managed to work. Obviously from that point on it’s all fiction with a few private jokes thrown in, or an occasional detail that you may not even remember, but for me it’s like fireworks.

The true irony of writing is that you write for others to read, but it’s lonely work. You may write a thousand characters but it feels like fraud. They all come from my mind, so every single one of them is me unless I’m using my memories, and in that case I’m still just stealing. The bad guy is me. The monster is me. The hero is me. Even you are me as crazy as it sounds. It’s not you, it’s my memories of the things you said and did and how I perceived them, but you were private, so maybe you wouldn’t even recognize them now. How weird is that? Maybe you’d read it and get mad, or exasperated, or maybe you’d say, “I was born before that!” Or some other detail that I changed in order to make it a touch easier in some way. It’s not easy, but it’s beautiful work. It’s fun work. You know I have always enjoyed thinking about you and so far that’s all I’m doing, reliving memories that make me happy in hindsight even if at some points we both felt broken and miserable. I have ulterior motives of course. I’m trying to explain myself. I’m hoping you’ll see it and love it. I remember telling you one day you’d see a book written under my pen name while shopping with your kids and you’d open it to see it was dedicated to you and that I’d hope you’d smile. It’s also the closest thing I’ve ever written to an autobiography. There’s an odd detachment when I’m writing myself that is allowing me to see things I’ve never seen before. Those motives are all BS though aside from what I’m getting from it. The odds are that you’ll never see it, meaning you’ll never see it dedicated to you. The odds are that you don’t even remember my pen name. IF you did see it, you’d probably hate it in the same way that my edits of your pictures would sometimes bother you. I know you tried to see the art, and so you’d probably try to like it, but I wouldn’t be shocked if you didn’t. And I KNOW that there’s no “explaining” myself. What’s done is done, you’ve moved on and I doubt you think of me at all. Still, you wanted me to go on and be happy if I could and you know writing means a lot to me, so I think you’d support it if not just for that. I actually considered putting this and more into an “author’s notes” at the beginning, but then anyone I know who read it would see the truth and I’m not sure I’m ready for that kind of judgement. So I decided to post it here where it’s EQUALLY unlikely that you’d ever see it, much less know it’s me talking to you 😂

There’s still clearly a lot wrong in mi cabeza, but it’s helping me become “that” man in many ways, ways that only you seemed capable of assisting me in. More irony? Or just sad? 🤷‍♂️ maybe in a million years I will finally be the guy that you saw in me, but I promised I’d keep trying and so I am. I’ve learned a lot. Changed a lot. Some better, some worse. I feel better though most days. The truth is that I miss you terribly though. Every day, and with every breath, you are with me, and yet I know that you’re not. For a while I actively tried to not think of you but that felt wrong, like I was trying to minimize you, and obviously I would never. This story hurts a lot, but then I’ll introduce monsters that will play off of our stories and our two heroes will spin off into whatever scene I’m watching inside of my head. I don’t know if we’ll both live, or die or if only one of us will make it. Idk if we’ll be the heroes. Idk, and I guess that kind of feeds the whole “what if..” aspect of a falling out. It will be ridiculous I’m sure, but writing the girl I know adds new levels to my attachment for her, so God only knows where it will go from us ending 😂

#message in a bottle

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tea-and-panthers · 2 years

Text

just a quick post. i was reading a few article on how to identify bot accounts and discover that i may be miss identified as a bot/spam account since i’m new and dont know much about this wild west of a platform.

so I am here to help assist other newcomers with a summary of my research, keeping in mind I’ve only been here for a day so if someone more experienced is giving out advice theirs is probably better.

1. bot/spam accounts generally have a default icon and background. (fixed this up first thing i did after making the account was add an icon and i just uploaded a background)

Recommend course of action: add an Icon and background as soon as possible. and maybe play around with you theme a bit.

2.username looks inappropriate or spam like. (this isn’t a problem for me since i didn’t do this because why would I)

Recommend course of action: just don’t, if you may have made this mistake, best to change it.

3. a blog is sending messages that are asking if you want content that is potentially nsfw, example ‘do you want pictures of n***d women on your phone’

Recommend course of action: report and block. i speak from experience, i got one of these messages and didn’t even finish reading it before blocking and reporting. also don’t send this type of message to people wether or not they think you are a bot that would make anyone uncomfortable and explicit content is against community guidelines.

4. apparently like strings on accounts and large amounts of reblogging are suspicious.

so say you go to someone account and read like there art or something and you like everything there. apparently 10 or more likes on one account within a short time period is considered a like string.

this is one I found myself guilty of, so what happened was I found the account of someone who made a series of tutorials on how to draw kobolds that I had found in pinterest so I followed the and i wanted like all the tutorials (there where 10) but i decided that liking just the tutorials seemed suspicious so i liked some art in between (it’s good art.) i now see that liking just the tutorials would have not been as suspicious. to that person, sorry for the spam likes, I have learned my lesson.

Reblogging, so something like 40 or more rebloggs in a day with little context, than nothing for a few days looks suspicious.

Recommend course of action:

like strings; of you come across an account you really like just like 3 or 4 posts and follow. you will get another chance to like more.

Reblogging; i don’t see this one being much of a problem if you just casually use tumblr. I myself have spent some time (but not all my time) on tumblr and Liked around 250 posts over 24 hours but have only reblogged 12 (which is probably still a lot) but i have also added something with the reblog such as a comment along with the normal tags people usually only put (i feel bad reblogging without contributing something). the only way i think you would reach a number like 40+ is if you are on all day with nothing else to do and are reblogging every third post you see (not that i’m judging, apparently reblogging helps more that likes.) or you are reblogging reblogs in response to them on a post that went viral. if you are adding to those i don’t really think that would be suspicious. And try not to reblog too many posts from one blog in a short amount of time that seems very spammy

REPOSTING IS NOT THE SAME AS REBLOGGING

reblogging, if you like the reblog it likes the original post. this is helping in most cases from what i’ve read. (just try not to over do it.)

reposting is copying the image or text (some cases both) and uploading it on your own, often done without permission form or crediting the original author. this is not helpful, if you have permission form the original author and you credit them, that should be ok.

yet again, i am also new and may be mistaken about some of the stuff here. this is based on personal experience and research i’ve done.

hope this helps others new users to this wild west. I intend on posting my art soon i just need to get it all together first, that i can upload a few pieces at a time.

If you are an experienced user who has any corrections of stuff to add I’m sure new users like myself would love the help.

#new user guide #new user #welcome to tumblr #how not tho be mistaken for a bot #tumblr tips #annoying bots #spam bots #stupid bots #for new users #for new people

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charlezarrd · 2 years

Text

I posted 880 times in 2022

100 posts created (11%)

780 posts reblogged (89%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@the-backspin-alchemist

@simplyghosting

@kirtini

@ultipoter

@lieutenant-sarcastic

I tagged 872 of my posts in 2022

Only 1% of my posts had no tags

#coolposts - 272 posts

#inspiration - 67 posts

#backspin - 63 posts

#tag games - 47 posts

#my writing - 46 posts

#novembeat 2022 - 44 posts

#novembeat collab - 42 posts

#ask games - 37 posts

#friend art - 28 posts

#golden sun - 26 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#maybe i just need that data transfer cable but i don’t really want to leave it plugged into the headset while i’m moving around a lot yknow

My Top Posts in 2022:

Lately I’ve been feeling in… A massive creative slump. And by ‘lately’ I mean the past couple years.

It seems like i can’t have an idea or start a writing project without abandoning it. Even as passionate as I was about SHY, i now feel nothing for it.

I actually do feel like that’s part of the problem, is that no one engages with my work. But then again, I have to actually make stuff for people to engage with it, so that’s kind of a catch 22.

There was also Dragon Ball: After Death, and a TMA fan story, too. Neither of which got very far before I abandoned them. Even some more original stories have completely faded from my imagination.

I’ve tried keeping a ‘writing journal’ where I write three pages every week of anything. I’ve tried holding myself to a small word count every day. These things worked for a short period of time before I just forgot to do them.

I really don’t understand why I can’t seem to gain any momentum on anything.

I know all the basic advice, “the best way to start writing is to start writing”, “the best writers read”, and so on. Anything you can just google, i know. I need something deeper.

Are there any writers out there that can help me? I really don’t know what to do.

6 notes - Posted August 3, 2022

11/30/22 - In the Hall of the Golden Goddess

There it is, folks. The last entry for Novembeat this year. Hope you enjoyed. Let me know which one was your favorite if you want. Keep an eye out for @the-backspin-alchemist's music for my stuff, and I'll probably be making a masterpost for all this tomorrow, if I have time.

See you next year!

Or, yknow. Next week if you're following me here.

Lanter enters Tasimira’s hall, the gilded casino, with rows of gambling tables on each side of him, framed by golden pillars.

At the far end, on a throne of dice, sits the Goddess of Fate and Chance herself, as tall as five men.

“Well, well.” She says. “If it isn’t my delinquent proxy. Did you come to apologize for ignoring me, or did you just miss our face-to-face talks that much?”

“Shut your mouth.” Lanter tells her.

He stands at his full height, ready for a confrontation. He’s only able to make eye contact with her knee.

“Excuse me!?” She blinks, taken aback.

“I’ve met your sons, and I’ve met your daughters. Not all of them, but enough. I see through your facade now. I know you never intended to follow through on the deal we made, did you? It didn’t matter how much money I gathered for you, you never had the power to bring her back.”

“Now. The situation was fairly complicated…” Tasimira frowns.

“No. No, it wasn’t.” Lanter interrupts her. “Shut up and let me finish. You’re a fucking child playing with people’s lives. You had all the guts to stand up and declare yourself queen at the beginning of time, and yet, I have yet to see evidence of you actually wield that title with any level of authority or responsibility.”

“Hold on. To be fair, it wasn’t me that took your fiancee. That was entirely Nera’s doing.” Tasimira holds up a hand to stop him, as if defending herself from his words.

“And now you’re deflecting your responsibility onto the goddess of Pain and Death. If you were really going to act like a queen, you’d keep the rest of your pantheon in line.”

“What are you trying to get at? I’m a very busy goddess, so would you mind getting to the point?” Tasimira sighs.

He’s starting to get under her skin.

Good.

“That you’re either an incompetent fool of a goddess, or you’re outright malicious. Either way, you’re entirely unfit to be a goddess at all, let alone Queen of the Pantheon.” Lanter spits on the floor.

“How dare you. I won’t stand for such acquisitions. Why, I have half a mind to smite you in a thousand different ways this instant!” Tasimira glares at him

“But you won’t.” Lanter smirks. “Because you need me. I’m your agent of chaos, your rogue agent. I’m the wildcard. Without people like me, your ‘story’ falls apart. Whatever you want, you need conflict. It fuels you. You crave drama. And you need me to make that happen.”

Tasimira sighs, and slumps down in her throne sullenly. “Well, then what now? What will the ever observant Lanter Spade do next?”

“Whatever the fuck I want.” Lanter tells her. “Since I know you’re not gonna do jack shit about it. Next time you give me a mission or an order or whatever you call it, I’ll decide if it’s worth my time or not. Because now I see through your facade. And I’m not gonna let you fuck with me anymore. And boy I’m gonna make you regret making me your proxy. Because I’m the only person I know that’s more petty, more selfish, and more malicious than you are.”

With that as his last word, he turns and leaves Tasimira’s hall, flipping her off on the way out. No doubt she’ll be sulking about this one for the next few years, if not a couple hundred.

6 notes - Posted November 30, 2022

000000 QAN[T] Raiser GN Full Twenty Sword Final Battle GN Particle Accelerator Type

12 notes - Posted April 20, 2022

$35 SD Sinanju kit.

Comes with all these extra really big parts for some reason.

20 notes - Posted August 21, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

i’m honestly shocked there’s not a larger horror community here on tumblr.

I mean sure, yeah, all right, The Magnus Archives blewed up,

But what about Marble Hornets? That seems right up tumblr’s alley, where’s that fandom at?

And while I’m at it, where’s the Mandela Catelogue fandom? There’s enough going on there to speculate for years even though there isn’t much source material.

And you’re sleeping hard on Darkness Under My Bed, too, istg. Y’all like Markiplier but not horror games?? Bruh, Markiplier is what got me into horror games.

And for all the talk about “biblically accurate” this and that, i’m sure seeing a lot of not-the FAITH series by Airdorf.

Anyway, I think ppl should give some of this stuff a try. Or at least have their dark and mysterious cards revoked, if they’re too chicken.

22 notes - Posted August 4, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #Well all right #I genuinely expected something different but I'm not sure why.#I don't make a lot of original posts because they don't get notes much #Unless I talk about vtubers I guess #But that was a unique case and I won't be doing that again.

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lennoxlorian · 10 years

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Being a Do-er

“When people give these speeches they usually tell you all of these wise and heartfelt things. They have wisdom to impart; lessons to share. They tell you to ‘Follow your dreams, listen to your spirit, change the world, make your mark. Find your inner voice and make it sing, embrace failure. Dream. Dream and dream big. As a matter of fact ‘Dream and don’t stop dreaming until all your dreams come true.’

I think that’s crap. I think a lot of people dream and while they are busy dreaming the really happy people - the really successful people, the really interesting and engaged, powerful people are busy doing. The dreamers - they stare at the sky and they make plans and they hope and they talk about it endlessly and they start a lot of sentences with ‘I wanna be…’ or ‘I wish…’ ‘I wanna be a writer.’ ‘I wish I could travel around the world.’ And they dream of it…

…Dreams are lovely. But they are just dreams – fleeting, ephemeral. Pretty. But dreams do not come true just because you dream them. It’s hard work that makes things happen. It’s hard work that creates change. So… Lesson one, I guess, is ditch the dream and be a doer not a dreamer.”

This is only a very small part of Shonda Rhimes’s commencement speech at the 2014 Dartmouth graduation ceremony. I wish I could transpose the entire speech onto this post but… it’s a 24 minute speech. Instead, I’ll provide the link to the video here and encourage anyone reading this to carve out a little time to watch it. Your life will change. And if not… it’s probably because you’re still “dreaming”.

Anyway, there is a reason why I quoted this speech. Because I’m going not going to be a dreamer anymore. Like many people, I have aspired (a fancy word for dream) to write a novel since I could remember. Since picking up that one book that made me say, “Hey! I am going to/can/want to do that!” Saying to myself that I have - what I think is - a brilliant idea, a yearning to write and have been blessed with the gift of BSing through writing assignments at the last minute and still coming out with an A. (In my defense, I work really well under pressure, so I tend to procrastinate on purpose. Not an excuse, just a personal observation.)

However, having all of that plus a grounded knowledge of grammar (We called it Language Arts in my elementary school back in 90s.) doesn’t do anything unless you actually put it to work. For years, I have hung out in the Basement of Dreams with a “If your write it, they will read it” type of approach, “seeing” myself as a New York Times Bestselling author and picturing my yet-to-exist-books on the shelves of a Barnes and Noble. Stumbling around in the dark “hoping” for inspiration, “waiting” until I was at a better point in my life. The truth is inspiration cannot be counted upon and if you want to write - you’re going to write, regardless of where you are in life.

I’ve decided to do that. I’m going to screw in my own light bulb, find my way out of this basement and up to the Penthouse of Doers to write that brilliant piece of BS. I’m not a professional writer nor am I going to pretend to be one just because I have been provided this lovely blog platform. I am here and I’m going to be a doer. And I’m going to write my novel.

And I’m going to do it in 3 months.

WHAT?!

Yes. Because like many writers - established and aspiring - I have read Stephen Kings’s novel On Writing: A Memoir on the Craft and it’s another “no BS, just do it” type of advice that I strongly recommend that you read. If you’re a writer, that is. Anyway, he advises that a novel should take no more than 3 months to write and to that I say: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

So if you plan on following up with me, here’s the plan deal. I’m pretty sure the novel I’m writing will be over 100k words. But no one can truly plan on how long a novel is going to be by the end. We can just guess-timate. With that in mind, I’m going to write everyday and by the end of July, I’m going to have a minimum of 50k words written towards my novel (I’ll do the same in August but for now, I’m focusing on July). I’ll update the word count daily on my sidebar and share my progress and experiences thus, creating an accountability for myself.

#writing #dreams #shonda rhimes

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ceyrann · 2 years

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PAC 4 : MESSAGES FROM AN ESTRANGED LOVED ONE

这个世界，不只是单纯的黑白。更多的是我们不曾在你、在自己内心留意到的彩色。

The world is not only made up of black and white. It also includes the colours in you and me that we have never paid attention to.

Greetings. I’m back with a PAC that I’ve been wanting to work on for the longest time. This PAC is similar to the 1st PAC I did, where you pick a poem/art. This time, however, I did not include the poems in the art, as I did in the first. But I create the art with the poem in mind so... Yeah.

The piles go from left to right, top to bottom. Breathe in, breathe out, then pick one that calls out to you the most. I believe there’s a particular person appearing in your head or whose voice you hear the moment you saw this title, and I believe we all need some form of reassurance to move on with past hurt.

So here it is.

Once again, breathe in, and out. Make yourself some tea, or your own comfort drink. Calm yourself down and pick the pile or piles you’re drawn to the most. I hope you get the answers you seek.

Disclaimer: This is solely for my entertainment purposes. Take only whatever you feel like it. If it doesn’t resonate, it’s okay to just drop it. Original poems are by the respective authors, translation and art are by yours truly.

Decks used: Linestrider Tarot Deck, Luna Cat Tarot Deck (Major Arcana), Flower Petals Oracle Deck, Sweet Dreams Oracle Deck

Found your pile? Let's go!

Pile 1

此夜曲中闻折柳，何人不起故园情。李白——《春夜洛城闻笛》

How would one not be reminded of their home, with a tune of a willow nocturne resounding through the walls?

This poem talks about the feelings of nostalgia and homesickness when the author heard the melody of his hometown played by flute. Hence, the flute in the image.

Homesickness, nostalgia, a sad tune, and most of all, I feel there may be some fire in it. It may be symbolising hasty decision making, or the want to just end everything and burn them down to ashes, including connections and ties. Reason why I said so is that the first card that flipped out almost got burnt cuz it went straight to the candle I lit beside me. I was really scared but luckily it did not burn.

“How does it feel?”

“How does it feel? To burn our relationship to ashes, to disregard everything that we’ve been through? You have never talked to me, we have never talked things out, and this is where we now end up at. Honestly, there were a lot of opportunities, a lot of chances, a lot of nice timings where you could come to me and tell me of your insecurities, instead of brushing me away. We used to be so close, sharing so many moments and thoughts. Now we’re so far apart, even though we may live close to each other..”

“You mentioned that by seeing me, you’d feel scared and inferior. What was it that made you feel so? What was it that painted your insecurities greater than this bond we share? What was it that brought us apart? Don’t you see that I feel inferior to you too? It’s like I’m stuck here and you’re so far away, and I had to work extra hard to be able to catch up to you. I just want to be equal, to be someone who’s on your level, but you said that you’re jealous of me? Feeling inferior to me?”

“I’ve told you so many times that you’re burning yourself out, and that you’ll end up being impulsive and will start having a lack of sound judgement. I have told you before, that if you have no idea why you’re being stressed out, it means you’re Actually Stressed, and that You Needed Rest. It can be difficult for you to sleep at times, which was why I said you needed help. I don’t want to be the person who says ‘I told you so’ but you’re making it very difficult for me.”

“Please, take care of yourself. I know you want nothing else to do with me. But I hope you focus on working on yourself, take care of yourself. Keep going, keep growing into the person you’re meant to be. I’m no longer the person meant to be by your side, but I really hope that you can find new friends and create new bonds that can help you to become a better person, to become a happier person.”

“Most of all, I hope that you can be at peace with yourself. Challenges will always be present. Our relationship ending like this is also a challenge that we both need to face. It was a rocky path and I believed that you’ve arrived at this decision after a long while of thinking. Pfft. Remember to use your heart at times and let your brain take some rest.”

“Do yourself justice. I wish you the best in getting whatever you want. Work hard, manifest, whatever the words are. Do yourself justice, cut down whatever that no longer serves you.”

“Take care, and good-bye.”

Image in my head: Fire. Someone holding a flute and talking to you in a very… Empty tone? It’s like… Apathetic? Emotionless? But by looking at their grip on the flute, they’re just trying to control themselves. They’ve been hurt by this as well and have not been doing good. Both of you are equally hurt, and no matter how much you want to reconcile with this person, you both realised that you’re no longer doing each other any good. For some reason, this someone will leave with the flute, or they’ll throw the flute into the fire and leave.

The flute reminds me of music, so maybe you or this someone or the both of you play a musical instrument.

Pile 2

好是春风湖上亭，柳条藤蔓系离情。戎昱——《移家别湖上亭》

“Farewell”, I whispered to the winds of spring, to the lake I adore, to the pavilion I love. Yet willows and vines with how they swayed, holding me back, not letting me leave.

This poem talks about a farewell that cannot be turned away, and how the author feels reluctant in leaving, as though every living creature out there is stopping. There usually are pavilions in the middle of the lake, where poets and people would gather there for a nice view.

The pavilion is just in the middle of the lake, with no one in it. There’s a sense of loneliness but also a sense of feeling lost, letting the waters around drown your feelings. I have a feeling that some of you who picked this pile may be attracted to water, or may dream of bodies of water. Maybe the ocean? Going to a river? Kinda thing.

“It’s time to leave.”

“Your words, hung onto me, haunt me, not letting me be at peace. Oh, your words are like the Devil, resounding in my head, scorning and laughing at how weak I am. We used to be the best couple, the best duo, the best team. Until we stopped caring.”

“It’s not like we stopped for no reason. We stopped caring cuz anything more than that would mess us up, crush us like dirt. We couldn’t deal with it anymore. Through this, we realised that we needed boundaries. We’ve been riding and living along and upon the waves, letting it take us to wherever we go. Recklessness is fine, but we’ve been living on risk, letting the highs of adrenaline we’ve gotten from danger to charge us. Living the life like the Joker and Harley Quinn sounds romantic and all but boy, it eats us up more than we could ever imagine. Being unique sounds amazing, but also we realise this isn’t the uniqueness we should be going after.”

“Balance and boundaries have been recurring topics in our relationship. We’ve been looking at things from an outsider’s point of view, maybe even from an outcast’s point. I guess you’re right, that it’s high time for us to readjust our position, so that we can also see things from some other people’s view. We’ve been known for our versatility, it should be easy, right?”

“For fuck’s sake, letting go of the past is never easy, especially when you’re so used to the old habits. Fine, it’s me who’s used to the old habits. But do not deny the fact that we had fun. …… -sighs- We should be talking about growing anew and I keep going into the past. I can’t help but to reminisce about them. Those were the times that I experienced so many new things and learning about feelings, including the anger and apathy in me. It’s just so… Difficult…”

-breathes in, and out-

“People on the internet, spiritualists, psychologists, and even our friends told us to start healing. They never told me that healing will need me to tear open my wounds, redress and tend to them before actual recovery can take place. I wish there’s some sort of pill for me to take so that I can just forget about the pain. They also mentioned about reconnecting with my inner child and to nurture them? What even is it lmAO. I feel like I’m The Child Who Needs Nurturing instead.”

“......”

“Wait, actually it may be that? Lol I’m amazed at my understanding of random stuffs ahahaha oof. Well, I suppose it’s as what you’ve said before, that it’s time for us to start anew, to step on a new path. It still hurts, it hurts as though my insides have been sucked empty, like there’s nothing in me. But we’ll still get through this.”

“We’re crazy fighters, and we fight.”

Image in my head: The other person seems like they want to stretch out their hands to hold you, but they pulled back and just,,, keep their hands to themselves. Fidgeting with their fingers, looking hella anxious and may stutter. Too many thoughts running in their head to the point they can’t even keep their words coherent at times. They wanna hold you but they couldn’t.

Pile 3

相思相见知何日？此时此夜难为情！李白——《三五七言》

The yearns, the longing; yet no days promised. How do I endure this for another night?

This poem talks about how the poet misses his friend, but has no idea when they will meet each other again.

Not gonna lie, I honestly thought it’s a poem about lovers being unable to meet and the poet is just missing them badly. Maybe it’s cuz of my misunderstanding but you can’t blame me, okay.

The art for this pile is the acacia beans. The reason I chose these for this pile is because of the word “相思” that’s in the line picked. 相思 generally means the feeling of yearning and missing a particular person, and the acacia beans have been known as 相思豆, also known as love beans. The explanation and its folklore can be found here.

“Hey, it’s been a long time.”

“How have things been? I don’t see you active much these days? It’s like you’ve been hella exhausted and overburdened with whatever that’s going on in your life? Chillax. Haha it was you who kept telling me to chill and relax in the past and guess what? I’m now the person who’s returning these same words back to you. It’s like you’re blinded by all the earthly things that are happening around you, and you lose sight of what you actually wanted, who you wanted to be.”

“You wanted to be happy, didn’t you? It can be difficult to return to the past to enjoy that bliss that runs deep in us, the untainted lightness in our hearts. But it’s not impossible to get back that joy. You’ve taught me that. You’ve taught me to trust in my inner wisdom and intuition, told me to go along the flow at times is not a bad thing. So go!”

“Look around you, open up your hearts and eyes. You have so many people around you who are willing to support you. Their hands are outstretched and you’ll know if they’re trustworthy because your vibe-check is always on point! They’ll be there to help you out of your slump, help you to see the light at the end of the tunnel.”

“Ride the winds! Fly a kite! I don’t know, just do some dumb shit and make yourself happy! Explore the various choices out there, reach for the skies and move forward! If you really wanna reach out to the skies then maybe try skydiving lol please don’t. Practice courage each day, take it at your own pace. No one’s rushing you. Lemme know if there’s anyone rushing you, I’ll fight them.”

“When unexpected changes come for you, I hope you still have the same ol’ courage as in the past to beat that shit down. Sometimes you may ask why all this nonsense is going for you, but knowing you, you won’t have time for all those questions, solely focusing on solving the problem at hand. Things prolly will wanna hurl themselves at you, but you can kick them back away. If there are things that you realise are your responsibility, I pray and share part of my strength with you to embrace those changes and adapt to the new tasks. Tho I’d prolly still fight.”

“Have faith! Idk about spirituality or whatever those are, but I know good things will come to you. Stop staying up at night to finish your tasks. Maybe once in a while to look at the stars and the moon and know that you’re not alone. Remember to be fair to yourself and let yourself rest when you need them!”

“We are fighting dreamers!”

Image in my head: This person sounds like someone you’ve not talked to for a long while, but they still remember you as someone special. You have been with them through their darkest moments and y’all probably have found different friend groups and have grown apart. They’re still pretty chill and talk to y’all at a comfortable distance. There’s some awkward smiles here and there, but some nice chuckles were present. Sincerity is as bright as day in their eyes, and you can feel both of y’all slowly getting closer again.

Pile 4

桃花潭水深千尺，不及汪伦送我情。李白——《赠汪伦》

The bodies of waters may be deep and heavy; yet incomparable to the depth of farewell from a friend.

This poem is dedicated to the poet’s friend, Wang Lun. That’s… just all. This line talks about how the poet, Li Bai, treasures Wang Lun, that the feelings for each other are just in depth.

For some reason, this pile gives me the feeling of a friendship problem. Maybe it’s cuz that there’s a word “friend” in the poem, maybe because there’s some heaviness and brooding with a friend you thought you were close to.

The flowers here are peach flowers, since in the original work, the peach trees grow by the waters and the flower petals are floating on the surface of water. Which is why this pile is represented by peach flowers. They are soft and beautiful flowers, calming and soothing too.

“Recklessness has been a theme in our relationship, huh. There’s always this weird tension between us, and boy, the times that we have yelled our heads off each other, competing against each other, charging towards our own goals and making sure that you don’t catch up. … I’ve slipped up, haven’t I?”

“Yes, this competition is one-sided, I’ve always seen you as my rival. You’ve been a threat to me all these while, making me feel so left out from our friend groups. Yeah sure, I definitely have gotten defensive. Could you ever imagine how tiring, how energy consuming it is to be on edge constantly? No, it’s not paranoia. I know myself. This is just normal fear. Just the fear of failure, the fear of being unknown.”

“Sometimes I don’t even know if we’re meant to be friends or not. You’re an amazing person, undoubtedly so. But constantly being with you means that I have to be under your shadow. I have no choice but to climb up from that and let the light shine on me instead. I wanted to wear the crown, so I’ll bear the weight of it. I am constantly reminded of who I wanted to be, I believe you are, too.”

“Dealing with me most probably wore you out quite a lot. I’m not sure of anything but knowing you, you probably have been polishing yourself and been practicing courage each day. Seeing your transformation is… Giving me mixed feelings. You being good means I’m supposed to be better. Yet I know that you’ve been working hard. Probably that you’ve been transitioning into a better phase in life.”

“... How do you even have that much energy? To be reaching your highest good, to be regenerating yourself and constantly to be better and better? -scoffs- Yeah right, my heart is closed up, not open to love nor any possibilities. Don’t talk to me about manifestation. I only believe in my actions and own efforts. Nothing will come to me if I don’t work hard.”

“Anyways. Enough of the talks. Not interested in being an energy vampire, I’ll get tired too. Just a word of advice: Pay close attention to your surroundings. I know that you’re sharp enough but just look around, no fault staying on the safer side. You may not know there are people out there who hide themselves better than me. Be smart. Don’t fail both you and I.”

“Oh well, the past is over. You’re on your way, and so should I be on my way too. I should also try welcoming changes into my life, just like you. Not sure if the doors of magic will open to me but no fault trying, I guess? Hopefully, I’ll find my own strength, just like you’ve found yours.”

“We must go on.”

Image in my head: Both of you standing at a very guarded distance, bodies stiff at first and then relaxing as the conversation went on. It’s not like you’re afraid of the person, but just… Uncomfortable. But as their monologue went on, you’re slowly letting yourself relax because whatever they say is something that you’ve already known. You still listen to them, manners and courtesy purposes. But most of all, you’re slowly letting go of whatever you’ve been holding against them. You know that it’s time for you to transition into a new phase of your life and you’ve decided to focus on what pleases you, instead of what stresses you out.

Pile 5

人到情多情转薄，而今真个不多情。纳兰性德——《山花子·风絮飘残已化萍》

When one loves many, their love runs shallow. Now I deeply regret not loving thee.

This poem talks about the poet and his regrets. Even in his marriage with his wife, he still thinks of his feelings, his love for his cousin. He regrets after his wife’s passing due to a miscarriage, recognizing that his love towards his wife has been shallow. The pain he felt was as though getting his insides pierced and torn, and he could only hide the tears as he could no longer compensate for his lost love.

The image is supposed to be a camellia and I hope I did it justice. I couldn’t really think of a suitable icon for this pile and decided to go with flower since the word flower appeared in the title. This flower probably grows on the mountains and it feels like the flower petals flew and covered the mountains with its colours.

“Stand up.”

“You’ve been very conscious and clear of what you have wanted, and I do not blame you for that. Vulnerability and frailty exists in every single one of us, and we succumb to them. It’s human nature, you were still young, you were still learning. You were, and you still are holding a lot on your shoulders. Please, put them down, let your shoulders rest. You don’t need those loads, as they are no longer yours to hold on to. The shame, the guilt, other people’s expectations of you; these are not yours. So, let go. The past is over, let your true self step forward, and welcome the new beginning.”

“Be kind to yourself. Open your arms and wrap around those that need nurturing, starting with yourself. Try something new, try something you’ve wanted to try for a long time. You’ve wanted to learn drawing? Do it! You’ve wanted to write a story? Write it! Care for yourself, do what it is that you want to do. Open up yourself to inspiration and let creativity flow through you. You may have lost the chance when you were younger, but you are now allowed to do things that pleases you. Remember, what pleases us shapes us. Communicate with your work of art, show love to it, and it will reward you with happiness and pride.”

“It sounds like I’m putting a lot on you, but remember to go with your pace, take baby steps. Do not rush yourself through things, my child. No, you are not running out of time. In fact, the timing is just right for your dreams, desires and goals to manifest. Sit back, make some tea, enjoy ten minutes looking out the window and be at peace with yourself. Patience is a virtue.”

“You’ve been such a smart and bright child, and you’ve only grown brighter. Yet, the fear in you also grew along with it. Worries and failures have clouded your eyes, making you unable to focus on the beautiful things that are still with you. It is difficult for you to put your failure aside, I understand. In this case, try focusing on resting and getting yourself on your feet to face the challenges head on again. Sleep, and rest. Who knows you may receive some insights in your dream?”

“You’ve been forced to grow up quickly, and I’m sorry for that, my child. But fear not, for the best is on its way to you. You’ve grown stronger, and things will be better. The universe rewards those who are deserving of them. And you, my child, deserve it more than anyone else.”

“I’m sorry that I’m unable to accompany you on this journey, but know that I’m always rooting for you and wishing you all the best.”

“You are deserving of all the good things life has to offer. You deserve them.”

Image in my head: A kind and lovely elderly person patting your head as you rested your head on their lap. They’re sitting in some sort of wooden/rattan chair, rocking it slowly as they slowly caress you, soothing and calming you. You were not used to this sort of affection at first, but you slowly let yourself succumb to the warmth and by the end of their talk, you were not really willing to let go of them.

Pile 6

离人无语月无声，明月有光人有情。李冶——《明月夜留别》

Goodbyes were said, as quiet as the moon, its light on us, gently soothing our hearts.

This poem talks about separation and goodbye between a couple. The poem revolves around “moon”, where it talks about the goodbyes under the moonlight, from silence to murmurs, describing the depth and determination between the couple where they won’t be apart as their hearts are still together.

A more accurate depiction of the poem should be a full moon but I have problems drawing a circle without any guidance so y’all have to settle for a crescent moon. But since the poem generally is centered with the moon, it is the best choice to be a symbol for this pile.

“I’m sorry that things have to end like this.”

“We could’ve been the best duo, but things just never seemed to work out for us, huh. Maybe it’s because we are too similar to each other, which is why we keep noticing each other’s flaws?”

“Keeping secrets from each other had never been a good idea. And no matter how much we’ve emphasised on being open and communicative, we just don’t seem capable of doing that. Sure, we talked. We talked a lot, on various topics and our opinions can align most of the time, and I think it’s because of that we start to have expectations that our values are supposed to be the same, and we end up forgetting that deep down, we’re both very different individuals.”

“We had very different childhoods, but neither were sugar or candy coated. You probably had it even harder, which was why you still are unable to let go of the wounds you’ve carried ever since you were a child. Letting go has never been easy, but somehow, you still have this air of wisdom, able to guide people through things. You let flowers bloom from your wounds, making it look prettier and more acceptable to the human eye. But deep down you’re probably in a lot of pain, since the roots of the flower are now deep in your veins.”

“Flowers are pretty, but make sure that you’re not letting them feed off you. Set boundaries to make sure that you’re growing well. Like what Marie Kondo has said, if it does not spark joy, then it’s time for you to remove it from your system, from your environment. I’ve stopped focusing on what makes me unhappy, so you should try that instead. Find out what pleases you the most, focus your energy on it, and perhaps, you see yourself becoming the type of person you wanted to be.”

“Pfft. Am just randomly reminded how people have talked about us. … Okay, more like how people have talked about you. They probably have had a bunch of expectations on you, wanting you to act a certain way to them but then you did not do what they hoped for. I’m sorry that I used to be one of those who talked behind you. After some time, I came to terms that we’re just holding on to different values, which I really shouldn’t be blaming you for. In the end, we’re all different beings with different life experiences.”

“It’s probably time for us to move on, to properly go on the journey we’re meant to walk. Talk, open yourself to communicate. You’re an excellent communicator and I know you’re capable of talking to almost everyone, including yourself. Maybe communicate with your inner self, your higher self? Not sure if that works, but just try.”

“Remember to take breaks to balance yourself? The entire thing with us has left us unwilling to build new relationships like this again, I believe. But life goes on, and we should also go on too.

“Remember to colour your hair if you feel like it. It’ll suit you. You’ll prolly shine brighter than the sun lol. That’s you. Keep going, keep growing. Be unstoppable. One day, who knows, we might be able to look at each other and be at peace.”

“And maybe, we may be able to talk to each other peacefully again?”

Image in my head: This pile… There’s no face to face interaction in this. There’s someone writing a letter to you, pausing and thinking at times, striking out some words, and deciding to just write a whole new letter. It happened at least twice, and the not-so-nice ones became draft papers for them to doodle and to recall the spellings of certain words. They took breaks in between, looking at the stack of letters in front of them and placed them aside. Occasionally, they returned to the letters you both exchanged in the past and read them.

Pile 7

萧萧梧叶送寒声，江上秋风动客情。叶绍翁——《夜书所见》

Autumn wind against the leaves, cold and shivering, Bringing along memories, remembering one’s home

This poem was created when the poet saw the seasons changing, realising how much time has passed and that he’s still away from home. It’s a scenery-describing poem, where being alone in a quiet autumn has reminded him of the loneliness and the cold wind that has been accompanying him.

The picture representing this pile is a boat. In ancient China, there used to be boats that are like... Inns on waters? Where patrons can enjoy the scenery of the lake and the trees by the side. The original poem talks about patrons and the huge river, which was why I thought of the boat-inn being fitting for this pile.

“Patience is a virtue.”

“You may not see the crops, the fruits of your labour, but fret not, because they are all there. Some may require a longer growth time, depending on the soil and water you used. They are there, so worry not. Use those times of worrying to focus on other things perhaps?”

“The water looks calm but remember that fearsome monsters lie beneath calm waters. Nature is always being portrayed as the Nurturer, yet many forget the destructive powers these ancient beings hold. We depend on nature, not the other way. Never attempt to challenge them.”

“Change will be coming, and you can’t run away from them. Stop running, stop rushing. What is meant to come to you will eventually come to you. The more you run, the more fear you’ll have in you. Sit down, breathe, have faith. Embrace change in this new day and adapt to what is to come. Do not fear distract you, or doubt the new paths ahead. ”

“I know you never liked hearing me nag, but things still need to be said, and hopefully they’ll get their way through your thick skull. I know you’re still mad at me but please, look around you. Remember the person I said who’s not a good influence? Look at them again, and maybe get some other people’s insight on them. I know you hate people saying the words ‘I told you so’, but for the sake of God, please open your eyes to see the truth that’s slowly uncovering. There were whispers in your heart and you never listened to them just to piss me off. You knew something was wrong with them but you ignored the warnings just to go against me. Now that I’m away from you, can you acknowledge that this person is doing you more harm than good?”

“They’ve been hiding their real intentions from you this entire while, which you know. You’ve never bothered listening to me, and that’s alright. Just that… From now on, listen to others. Listen with care, speak with kindness. Your words hold so much power, power that you don’t even know. Listen to your heart as well, as it will guide you with the wisdom of nature. You’re strong, that’s how you have been living fearlessly. But please, love more. Love yourself and the other people around you, open up your heart and allow the world and its kindness to enter you.”

“Remember to be fair to others. You’ve been having too much anger in you and it’s time for you to let go of them. Clear your mind of all negativity and allow your spirit to be refreshed, welcoming a hopeful tomorrow.”

“I’m with you, you’re not alone on your journey.”

Image in my head: For some reason, I feel that this is some family member? Or someone who’s been with you for a very long time. They may not have the best choice with words and may have hurt you in the past, resulting in you cutting them out of your life. They’re looking at you sad, begging you to listen to them, as they want only the best for you. Beg is the right word because they look very desperate.

Pile 8

夜月一帘幽梦，春风十里柔情。秦观——《八六子·倚危亭》

The breath of spring flutters against us; Under the moonlit night, into our dreams.

This line talks about the softness and adoration that has been carried by the spring winds into the hearts of the couple, where they enjoyed the night with each other. The words used in the poems vividly describes the unwillingness to leave, how they wished they could cling to each other when the world forbids them doing so.

This pile is actually an extra pile I decided to pick. It did not fulfil my criteria of having seven characters per line, but the entire line made me soft and mushy. This line sounded clingy, but not the overly sweet kinda clingy. Instead of clinging on the arm, it’s more like linking the pinkies as they walk. A tingling feeling. The curtains talk about night, shielding the couple from the wary eyes of the public, enjoying a tranquil moment between the both of them.

“I miss you.”

“I miss you so fucking much that I would not hesitate to travel across the world for you, just to hold you in my arms. Oh so many times I wished I could’ve thrown this current life I’ve built aside just to be with you, just to call you mine. But I couldn’t. There are responsibilities being put on my shoulders, and many more I’ve chosen to carry. I couldn’t.”

“I feel like I’m slowly driving myself crazy with how much thoughts are running in my head. I feel like I should’ve taken the leap with you, but at the same time I know life has never been kind, and that I can’t afford to go through the same shit as in the past. I know I’m not ready. You’ve been the bigger person, and me being the coward, I chose to run away.”

“You’ve told me that I should listen to my heart, to stop letting the voices in my head run wild. It’s so goddamn hard for me because of the bunch of ‘what if's' that have been yelling at the top of their lungs. I- I couldn’t, I have no idea how!”

-sighs-

“I… Yeah, if there’s a will, there’s a way. I should’ve really tried. I wasn’t brave enough to take those few steps out. You’ve been there to support me, help me, to provide help in any means you could. And yet, I just chose to turn away; to run away. You were there with your hands outstretched, but I just put on the freaking mask again to pretend I’m so cool and strong and just… Just refused your help, your heart. Why was I such a dumbass. I really chose this path, huh.”

“Enough about me. It’s gonna be the same shit again and again. I am undeserving of you, this I know. You’ll probably be better somewhere else, with some other person who can give you the joy that you deserve. No worries, I’ll still work on myself. I can’t afford to continue being stagnant like this. It’s not fair for you to be helping me all this while and I’m still a piece of non recyclable garbage. I should at least evolve some biodegradable ones. At least, contributing slightly to the world.”

“You’re still in my mind, in my heart, in my soul. There’s this part of you that I keep in my head, to remind myself that it’s because of you that I’m now learning and growing into a better person. It’s hella difficult to accept certain things, but I’m learning. Acceptance is the final stage of the Five Stages of Grief, and with that, hopefully, I’ll be able to walk and act on my passions and dreams.”

“You’re my love, my dream. That will never change. But I need to work on myself to find my own purpose, to learn to create strong emotional connections with the other important people in my life. And I certainly hope that you’re doing so, playing and laughing with the people you care and love.”

“I do think that it’s difficult for us to meet, but I certainly do hope that I get to meet you in my dreams. Maybe, just… Maybe… You can dream of me at times? And if that happens, I hope that it would be a nice dream, one that gives you the feeling of relief and peace. I’m never your responsibility, so don’t worry about me.”

“I promise you that I’m working on myself, and I always am in debt and am grateful for your love and patience. Gosh… I can’t believe I finally let them all out. Time for us to turn the wheels of time and continue with whatever we’re working on?”

“I wish for peace to be on you, that you may continue shining and being the you who loves yourself the most.”

“Take care, I love you.”

Image in my head: Someone and you in an infinite space, where an illuminated clock is below your feet. That someone looks like in pain and keeps clutching their chest as they shout out whatever they have wanted to tell you. You were standing there and listening. You did not approach them to hug or pat their back, but just there, listening to them quietly. You were really listening, and there’s this small smile on your face. A smile of relief, knowing that they’re working hard on themselves. After the yelling session, you both looked at each other, ready to put down the past and walk towards a better future.

#ceyrann #4th PAC - Message from An Estranged Loved One #i really REALLY wanted to do this PAC for the longest time ever #i've had ideas about this like heck i'm not even kidding #i couldn't proceed with this cuz i had no energy to do the art #then i've decided to change the artstyle to something like this and #i can tell you that i fucking love it #also i tried doing this reading in a different style #it's obviously very different from what i used to do #but i enjoyed doing it #and i hope y'all enjoy it too

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fanficsfromyesteryear · 3 years

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Hi! Can I request headcanons for dating marcus (deadly class)? Thank you

HEADCANONS FOR DATING MARCUS LOPEZ ARGUELLO

A/N: Just a head’s up, I got a little carried away, so this is kinda long lol. Also, sorry this took forever! I’ve been suuuuuper busy lately :/ I almost had it done before work picked back up, but I couldn’t figure out how to end it. Anyway, I hope you like it!!

Before the two of you started dating, Marcus had no idea that you liked him, and for good reason

You did such a good job with hiding your feelings that sometimes even you forgot they were there, which was kind of the whole point

With girls like Saya and Maria around, sending out mixed signals and dropping subtle hints that they liked Marcus, too, it was intimidating

Add Marcus’s constant cynicism about love, and life in general, into the mix, and it was clear the chances of him actually liking you back were next to nothing

So, you knew it was probably for the best to move on

You used the “if you ignore it, it’ll go away” approach in the hopes that if you simply didn’t acknowledge your feelings, the problem would disappear

All this did, however, was create a whole new issue

Somewhere along the way, you’d begun to take the thought process of ‘ignoring your crush’ too literally

You and Marcus were best friends, so when, out of the blue, you stopped talking to him, he could tell something was up

He had no clue what, though

Naturally, he assumed it was something he had done

Marcus started asking around among your mutual friends to see if they knew anything, but they were all just as out of the loop as he was

You hadn’t told anyone about your repressed feelings for Marcus, and you had no intention of letting the secret slip any time soon, but accidents happen

The truth came out one night during a game of truth or dare when you were up on the roof smoking with the Rats

Your confession came tumbling out quicker than you could even think about reeling the words back in

“You hear that, Romeo?” Billy asked, elbowing Marcus in the ribs. “Y/N’s got the hots for you”

All Marcus could do was laugh nervously as he looked down at his feet, refusing to meet your gaze

To your relief, no one brought it up again for the rest of the game

When the next day rolled around and your crush on Marcus still wasn’t the topic of conversation, you started to think that you were in the clear

Maybe they’d all been too stoned to remember when they’d woken up that morning

Your hopes were shattered by the late afternoon

As you left the bathroom, Marcus spotted you from across the hall

He quickly rushed over and caught you by the elbow, dragging you back through the doorway

“Relationships aren’t really my thing,” he said

Marcus sounded like he had more to say, but before he got the chance, you cut him off

“It’s fine,” you said. “I get it”

“No, no. I mean, I like you, Y/N, really. I just don’t wanna mess it up”

You couldn’t stop the smile that spread across your face even if you tried

“You’re not gonna mess it up”

Before either of you could say more, the bathroom door opened and Petra walked in

She glanced between the two of you knowingly

“Hate to break this up, but if I hold this piss in any longer, I’ll explode”

With that, she pushed past you both, effectively ruining the moment

It didn’t take long after that for you and Marcus to make your relationship official

‘Official’ is a bit of a loose term in this case

For the most part, both of you kept the fact that you were dating fairly under the radar for fear of what others would do with that information

In a place like King’s Dominion, something as small as caring for another person beyond using them as an ally was seen as a weakness that could and would be used against you, and the last thing either of you wanted was to be put in a situation where you were pitted against each other

Of course, there were several instances when one (or both) of you nearly blew your cover

Such as in Martial Arts class

Instead of fighting you, Marcus would try to cop a feel

You’d quickly smack his hand away

“Miss De Luca’s right there!”

“She’s not looking”

In defense of both of you, though, a class in which hormonal teenagers are asked to pair themselves up and wrestle is practically an invitation to break the ‘no sex’ rule

The other classes you shared weren’t any better

Master Lin caught you and Marcus staring at each other instead of paying attention on multiple occasions, earning both of you a smack from his cane

Although Marcus was somewhat known for his smart mouth and talking back to authority, he knew better than to challenge Lin, not mention that if he did, he’d risk exposing the two of you in the process

So, Marcus bit back his insults and held in his tirade until the two of you were safely locked away in his dorm room

“He had no right to hit you like that”

“I’m fine,” you assured him, shoving another tissue up your nose to stop the bleeding. “Besides, he does it to everyone”

“That still doesn’t give him the right”

“Next time, I’m gonna stick that cane right up his ass”

Marcus wanted to shield you from all the violence at King’s, but when it was coming from teachers, there wasn’t much he could do about it

If it was a fellow student pushing you around, on the other hand, there was no holding him back

You loved how protective Marcus was of you, but sometimes you worried that he’d get carried away

Marcus always made sure you were never around to witness the fights take place, but the scrapes and bruises on his face that hadn’t been there when you saw him that morning were all the proof you needed

In such cases, you would insist on patching him up afterwards

The first few times this happened, Marcus was embarrassed by all the attention you were giving him

After a while, though, he grew to love the feeling of having someone fuss over him, especially if it was you

It was nice to have someone care about him for a change

You weren’t much of a fighter, but making sure he didn’t get Tetanus was your way of looking out for him

When you and Marcus weren’t getting into trouble, you were actually a pretty cute couple

Your roommates became accustomed to the two of you being a package deal, which often meant sneaking into each other’s rooms after lights out

Sometimes, it was to make out, but other times, it was so you could have late night conversations that you didn’t get the chance to have during the day

The topics of these conversations varied—they could be deep and philosophical (which was Marcus’s favorite kind), an opportunity to open up to each other about yourselves and your pasts, a time to plot someone’s death (usually only theoretically), or simply joking around

After especially long days, you would accidentally drift off in the middle of these nightly chats with your head on Marcus’s chest, but he never minded

He’d pull the covers up on your side and wrap his arms more tightly around you

While both of you were perfectly capable of pulling all-nighters, whenever you fell asleep, Marcus was never far behind

The sound of your evened-out breathing was like a lullaby to him, so it was safe to say that his sleep schedule drastically improved after the two of you started dating

You’d found that you slept better with Marcus, too, so on the few nights you spent apart, you’d doze off listening to the mixtapes he’d made you in your Walkman, which were full of your favorite songs and songs that reminded him of you (though, these had quickly become your favorites, too)

It was rare that the two of you weren’t together, though

Even during the day, you and Marcus were practically joined at the hip

At lunch, you would hold hands under the table and share food

Of course, this always opened the door for plenty of teasing from your friends, especially Lex

“While you’re at it, why don’t you chew the food up for each other and pass it back and forth like little birds?”

“Fuck off, Lex”

It was always in good fun, though

Actually, the other Rats were relieved when the two of you finally got together because the weird tension that had been brewing leading up to that point went away, meaning group hangouts could carry on normally

They could overlook you sitting in Marcus’s lap if it meant you weren’t being distant and secretive

Just like they pretended not to notice when you showed up to class wearing each other’s blazers by mistake after spending the night together

Or walking in late looking ✨especially disheveled✨

All in all, you and Marcus are King’s Dominion’s cutest couple™️ that only, like, five other people know about, but still-

#marcus lopez arguello #marcus lopez x reader #marcus lopez arguello x reader #marcus lopez arguello headcanons #marcus lopez headcanons #deadly class #deadly class headcanons

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