#if there's one thing about writing it's that it's either insanely rewarding or miserable. no in between. wild ups and downs love it

[jonathanbiers]

i love never knowing where a post will end up and reading through the tags man, on one of my writing posts (which i made with how i'm currently juggling a steddie & a stargyle wip in mind) someone mentioned in the tags the digimon fic they're writing. i love this website

[hermannsthumb]

Could you do #40 cancelled holiday party? Thank you!

40. i just found out that a friend of a friend of a friend isn’t hosting their annual holiday party this year, so now how am i going to have my annual run in with you?

from winter writing prompts here

happy xmas eve, if you celebrate it!

-------------------

Newt doesn’t really have many friends, and certainly not enough to warrant a flood of party invitations come December, but for the past few years he’s been able to rely pretty consistently on at least one. Back when the band was still together, his drummer had a pretty cool girlfriend who would sometimes let them tag along as the entertainment for parties around town, and her brother (who was almost as cool as her) ended up liking the way they sounded so much he invited them back to his own parties a couple times. Then he dated Newt’s guitarist, and then he broke up with Newt’s guitarist, and then he dated Newt, and then he broke up with Newt, and it sort of fell apart from there (and so did the band), but the breakup was actually pretty amicable, and he’s never failed to extend the invitation to Newt for his annual holiday bash as a courtesy. And Newt’s never failed to make an appearance. What’s there not to like, you know? It’s free booze, free food, and the chance to not feel like a total loser loner for once. Plus…well. Another reason.

But this year isn’t looking too good for Newt.

“Sick?” Newt says. “What do you mean he’s sick?”

“I mean,” Newt’s ex-drummer says, irritably, “he’s sick. Caught the flu or something. I don’t know, Jackie just wanted me to call and tell you, she didn’t give me any details.”

“Couldn’t he have called me himself?” Newt says.

“No,” Newt’s ex-drummer says, “I told you, he has the flu, he’s totally out of it, man. Party’s off this year. Hey, did you get our Christmas card?”

“What? Oh. Yeah,” Newt sighs. He tacked it up on his fridge: the two women with their arms around each other, one pink-haired, one blue-haired, holding up their cat in the middle like it was their son or something. Clever. Quirky. Newt just makes a generic Tweet mid-December wishing everyone a happy holiday season and calls it a success—less effort. “Yeah, it was cute. It’s definitely cancelled? He can’t just, I don’t know, take some Advil or something and—”

“Newt,” she says.

“Yeah, okay, fine,” Newt says. “Tell Jackie to tell him to—get well soon? Soon enough for New Year’s, maybe? Because it would be great if—”

She hangs up on him. Newt probably deserved it.

He stalks Jackie’s brother’s Facebook for a bit after the phone call to make sure he’s not just lying about the flu to get out of inviting Newt to the holiday bash he’s definitely having. It becomes clear pretty quick it’s pretty legit—he’s made exactly one post in the last few days, and it’s a selfie of him looking absolutely horrid in his bed, advising everyone to not be like him and get their flu shots. Not lying, then. Damn it. There’s not even going to be anything for Newt to crash.

“Damn it,” Newt groans, and slams his laptop shut.

In all honesty, Newt’s not pissed about missing the party itself. He’s pissed about missing the party guests. How else is he going to have his annual spat at the snack table with his mortal enemy, Dr. Bitchy, British, Badly-Dressed Gottlieb?

Mortal enemy is too strong. Rival, maybe? Though certainly not a friendly one. He’s fond of Dr. Gottlieb, really, in some insane, backwards kinda way, like he’s a specimen Newt would love nothing more than to cram under a microscope and study up close. What makes him tick? What makes him scowl like that, yell at Newt—more or less a stranger—like that, attend the same party year after year like that only to stand in the darkest corner like a vampire and avoid every single other person? The first time they met was at the party three years ago, when Dr. Gottlieb loudly accused Newt of deliberately snagging the last cucumber finger sandwich because he somehow knew Dr. Gottlieb was eyeing it up, too, and only did it to annoy him, and it’s only gone downhill from there. Or maybe uphill. He fascinates Newt.

He’s also insanely attractive to Newt. Bitchy, British, Badly-Dressed, but, my God, what a set of cheekbones, what a set of eyes, what a big ‘ole mouth that Newt can only assume would be awesome for kissing. And only a few inches of height on Newt, too; he wouldn’t even need to stretch up that far to test out his hypothesis.

Since Newt has Facebook open, he does another search for Dr. Gottlieb—Dr. Hermann Gottlieb, technically, though he’s furious whenever Newt tries to call him anything other than his full title. If Newt was normal, he’d just shoot the guy a friend request or something. A simple message. He just stalks his page instead, which makes him feel the sting of the cancelled party even more keenly: Dr. Gottlieb doesn’t post, like, any pictures of himself, but the ones he’s been tagged in by his company and someone who appears to be his brother make it very clear very fast that he kinda just got even hotter over the year. He’s started wearing his oversized glasses on a librarian chain, and his haircut—which had always been a severe sort of undercut—has grown out up top to be adorably poofy. Tragic.

He shoots his ex-drummer a text later. Can you ask Jackie to ask about that Gottlieb guy that’s there every year? Like, what’s his deal?

The reply comes later, while Newt is reheating some leftover Chinese takeout for dinner. they’re friends w gottlieb’s younger bro. mostly invite him to be nice.

“Figures,” Newt mutters.

Well, if there won’t be a party at which to have their annual run-in, Newt is simply going to have to orchestrate a run-in himself. The first step is finding out where Gottlieb works.

Newt picks a miserable day to set his plan into action. A snowstorm swept through the city a few days prior, and before the sidewalks were even finished dethawing, a sleet storm followed and turned them into eighty-percent sheets of ice. And then more snow comes. Newt slips and slides all the way to the cafe across from Gottlieb’s humble little robotics research facility, cursing himself for not having invested in proper winter boots yet. Docs are practical and cool, but they could be warmer, and Newt’s are so old the treads are basically nonexistent. He orders himself the most expensive coffee on the menu as a reward for his troubles and claims a chair near the large shop window in front, underneath a hanging fern. He would simply wait and watch for Gottlieb to walk out. The man had to walk out eventually. Lunch break, or coffee break, or even just clocking out for the day. He had to.

“Would you like to see our sandwich menu, sir?” a waitress asks Newt. “We have a new—"

“Nah, no thanks,” Newt says. He doesn’t tear his eyes away from the window. “You don’t have to call me sir, by the way. It makes me feel old. Does a Dr. Gottlieb ever come here?”

The waitress snorts involuntarily; she flushes a second later. “Sorry,” she says. “It’s just that—yes, Dr. Gottlieb comes in a lot, and he’s kind of…”

“Awful?” Newt grins.

“Particular,” the waitress says. “He has us remake his coffee if it’s not perfect enough for him. And we have to write out the whole thing, Dr. Gottlieb, on his cup, every time. He tips really well, though, so we don’t really mind.”

“Has he come in today yet?” Newt says.

She opens her mouth as if to answer the question, but then furrows her eyebrows. “Why do you want to know, anyway? Are you guys friends?”

“Not really,” Newt says. Deciding it’s not worth the effort to explain the complex homoeroticism of his dynamic with Gottlieb, and to random waitress who probably doesn’t give a shit at that, he amends “I mean, yes. Good friends. I’ll see that sandwich menu, actually.”

Newt has a nice breakfast of avocado and egg on a bagel, and pretends to do work on his laptop for a few hours, but—to his disappointment—Dr. Gottlieb doesn’t come in for a coffee. Newt doesn’t catch sight of any familiar dark-haired, scowling men walking in or out of the institute, either. Gottlieb must have off today. Maybe it’s for the best, anyway; Newt’s not totally sure what he would’ve done if he ran into the guy on the street, or how he would have even explained why he’s there to Gottlieb if he did. He was just sort of operating under the assumption he’d figure it out in the heat of the moment. He calls it quits around three in the afternoon, not wanting to walk home in the dark after sunset. “Happy holidays,” he tells the baristas gloomily, and steps out into the snow with one last cardboard cup of coffee.

He mulls it all over in his head as he avoids ice patches and passersby on the way home. Should he ask for Dr. Gottlieb’s number? Is it weird to ask your ex, or even his sister, for the number of a guy you’re sorta-interested in? Newt supposes it’s weird to invite your ex to a holiday party in the first place, but he really wasn’t lying about it being amicable. Maybe he wouldn’t care. He could always just send that fucking Facebook friend request. Or he could just wait until next year. It’s just a year.

He’s so distracted that he doesn’t notice the patch of ice directly in front of his apartment until he’s already stepping on it, and his stomach flips in a way that lets Newt knows he’s just fucked up; his worn-out boot loses traction, his arms pinwheel, his coffee goes flying, and he lands—

In someone’s arms?

Well, even that’s not totally right. He lands mostly in someone’s arms, but he hears a little oof, an exclamation of surprise, and then they both topple over and into a snowbank. The coffee lands somewhere next to Newt’s head. “Bugger,” a familiar voice groans.

Newt sits up. Dr. Gottlieb is laying on his back next to him, wrapped in a green parka and about three scarves. To Newt’s relief, he doesn’t look angry. More embarrassed than anything else. “Apologies,” he says. “You were heavier than I’d anticipated. Or perhaps I was not as strong as I anticipated.”

“I appreciate it anyway, dude,” Newt says.

He gets to his feet, locates Gottlieb’s cane from where it’s somehow landed on the other side of the sidewalk, then tugs Gottlieb to his feet as well. Gottlieb makes a face as he rights himself. “You ought to watch yourself, and be more careful,” he says. “You could break your neck next time.”

“Worried about me?” Newt says. He dusts some snow off Gottlieb’s shoulders. “What are you doing outside my apartment, dude?”

“Er,” Gottlieb says.

He goes a strange shade of pink, and clears his throat. “I fancied…a walk. In the snow. Fresh air. And I just happened to be—er—” He clears his throat again. “I happened to discover you lived here, and my walk happened to take me by. I wasn’t looking for you, if that’s what you’re implying. Or waiting for you. I have better things to do with myself.”

“Really?” Newt says. “’Cause I was looking for you.”

“Oh,” Gottlieb says.

He really is cute right now, with his red-tipped ears, his dumb coat, his dumb scarves, the snow sticking to his back and his poofy hair. Sticking to his long eyelashes. It’s the first time Newt’s ever seen the guy not, like, at least mildly annoyed at him; it’s doing something funny to his heart. “Hey, you wanna come in for a coffee or something?” he says. “Mine kinda spilled, and I could go for another.”

“I couldn’t possibly,” Gottlieb says.

Newt grins. “Come on, I know you want to. It’s cold as shit out and you’ve clearly been out here for a while. We can order a pizza or something, too.”

“Well,” Gottlieb says, and he ducks his head as he finally smiles back. It’s worth the wait, because my God, is it cute, all broad and crooked. Newt has the feeling not too many people get to witness it. “Perhaps for a bit. I was hoping to discuss your latest article with you, you know, and was very put out when I learned I wouldn’t be seeing you at the party this year.”

“Oh?” Newt says. He holds out his hand, and Gottlieb startles visibly a moment before taking it. Newt can feel how cold Gottlieb is even through his thick red mitten—he could use a little warming up. Newt can light a fire in the fireplace he rarely uses…maybe break out some wine…it’ll be nice and romantic… “Did you like it?”

“Not in the slightest,” Gottlieb says cheerily.

“Just what I was hoping,” Newt says. “After you, Doctor.”

[thattimdrakeguy]

It’s never good to be unhealthily obsessed, or unhealthily emotionally attached to something.

Especially when it turns you into a bully.

Weirdest and most agitating part of the fandom is those type of fans that act like they’re helping their fav run for office or some thing.

Not literaly speaking--

But they’ll find an obscure panel that‘s a little edgy just cuz of the era or that artist maybe, and act like it defines them. Sometimes just a character looking mad, cuz well, they’re mad, as people real life and fiction do, and they use to act like a character is bad and every thing else around them is wrong-- despite being an outlier-- cuz they don’t care.

Yet if their own fav did a bad thing, they’d be doing some mental gymnastics or just plain ignore it.

I mostly see this on  twitter, and it‘s insanely baffling that people just-- let it happen.

It‘s the kind of fandom stuff that numbs my mind. Like-- can we not just read some fiction without acting like every thing is a big deal? Damian tried to kill Tim once or twice, and I’ve never freaking cared. I used to even like Damian a lot, maybe that‘s why it never bothered me, but I just stopped liking him because I think he’s a really badly written character. Same with Steph.

But on mainly twitter, they read one bad comic, treat it like truth, and go delusional about some thing being inaccurate in it. they’ll even attack people over it and gaslight them, often in groups.

that is so unhealthy. In a social environment way, and just  as a person. that  should never be your natural response.

Only times I ever get annoyed at a bad action is when the writing ignores how bad it is to play dumb with it, or is maybe just bad written in-general. Damian’s early time I don’t really care that much, cause you’re supposed to know it‘s bad and nothing more usually, they show you why he’s like that and that‘s enough (although written horrendously inconsistently), while nowadays they’ll barely address it some times, let him get away with it, or remind you of his backstory so much it just feels like they’re really tryna make you feel bad you forget it. to another standard I don’t like Jason beating up Tim, because I just view that as out of character for him, and I honestly prefer anti-hero with an antagonistic relationship to the Bat-Fam Jason, because that‘s how he was built up in utrh, and New 52 just basically ignored the concept of character development being done well, and more or less had people forgive him even if it‘s incredibly unnatural.

Main reason why I don’t like Steph, isn’t because she does bad things, but because she at least roughly gets away with it when she really shouldn’t. She’ll get told off, maybe, but it never feels appropriate. Steph emotionally and briefly physically abuses Tim in an arc-- yet it‘s never really talked about. When she makes an apology to Tim, it‘s when she finds out his identity, and it‘s about only the concept of her wanting to know. Nothing actually about all the abusive behaviors she demonstrated. If anything it feels like she gets rewarded because she gets told Tim's identity and is suddenly, very randomly, unless something in another series, gets allowed access to the Batcave. (I’m also just not a fan of loud mouths that just back talk all the time.)

and that‘s just to explain my logic, because I feel like that‘d do better at explaining why this bizarre slander-esque crap over fictional characters confuses me so much. Because who actually cares a character did a bad thing as long as it‘s written well when you think about it?

the characters are the characters. they are here for our enjoyment. Sometimes characters do bad things, sometimes that’s all they do. It‘s all for the endgame of getting us something that we can hopefully get enjoyment out of (of course we don’t always enjoy something, but usually that‘s still the goal). I just don’t understand why people allow themselves to get so wrapped up in it, that they actually become unhealthy. Unhealthy to be around as well, cuz they tend to group and repeat the same crap. It can’t be healthy to be obsessed with a character that you’d do that .

How do people seem to despise so much of their own favs? Having to deny or deflect any bad behavior from a fictional character in even just a casual context that typically, as far as I’ve seen, not that harsh even to warrant it, feels so-- icky. It is fine to like a character that does bad things. to be so obsessed with a character that you  treat them like they’re nearly flawless as you gaslight other people and group bully them for not liking them-- its just a bit weird, it‘s insanely toxic. the characters are here for us to enjoy. If you don’t actually enjoy them so much that you ignore so much of them-- then why are they who you chose to like? 

that sudden almost unexplained unhealthily and emotional attachment I feel like is a really bad habit of fandoms. It‘s not behavior that should be encouraged, but more often than not they subtly have been. People wanna be accepted, and joining in on it and spreading so much random propaganda (on a freaking fictional character) is nauseating, but they feel apart of something so of course they do.

they’ll go out of their way to find a panel, often out of context  just to make a character they don’t like look bad, and shame people that like that character, at least in some fashion. While often taking panels that make their fav look good to share like it‘s a benign political campaign.

Why is that even a thing people do? It‘s so obsessive and toxic, as well as just making people feel miserable over getting gaslit so much.

Somehow managing to make enjoying something, go too far.

the group aspect is especially annoying, cuz they enjoy gaslighting and bullying people in a group, because it‘ll make em seem more right. I’ve heard about people leaving the fandom because of it. No longer able to enjoy what they did, because they keep being harassed over it. Once seen them even make fun of someone that called them a bully seemingly. Either showing they’re that  oblivious, or just that much of a jerk.

If you ever do any thing like that I really feel like you need to get out of the fandom, because it‘s never good to have your own instincts telling yourself to be nasty. Just come back at a better time when you’re better. It‘s fine to admit faults and get better. It‘s honestly a fine thing. We can’t improve ourselves otherwise.

I don’t feel like bizarre propaganda and libel on, may I repeat, fictional characters, is what a fandom’s suppose to be. It certainly at least shouldn’t be.

[apprenticebard]

How can I make more money like you?

An important question!!

So to start with, I am not a person who has Figured Things Out. I got lucky last year - my friend recommended me for a job in a very high-wage area (specifically, San Francisco’s tech industry) that I happened to be a really good fit for, and that happened to be willing to hire people on a trial basis if they were promising, even if they didn’t have college degrees (’cause I still don’t have one). And that was really good for a while, until some stuff happened and I kinda got eaten. Now I’m unemployed and looking for another job; I think I’ll find something comparatively good again, but I dunno how long it’ll be, and right now I’m looking at both moderately high-paying content-writing jobs and jobs that pay around minimum wage (which is a lot here; nothing pays less than $15 because the bay is lowkey insane), in case getting another really good job takes longer than I’d like it to.

But anyway! Obviously there isn’t a super easy way to make lots of money that’s going to apply to every anon who could possibly have shown up in my inbox, but here are some general pointers:

1) Even if things are going really well for you, you’re gonna tend to make less than most people while you’re early in your career. This is difficult but how it is. It doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong, and you might be on track for a great career in a few more years, once you gain more experience. If this is where you’re at, I think the best way to make more money is to work on leveling up at your current job, or looking for a different job of the same kind that either pays better now or will probably allow you to level up faster. It’s good to take on extra responsibilities when you have the time and energy to do so, especially if they use a lot of skills you do have, but also a few skills that you’ll need to figure out as you go along. 

Note that I do think that this advice is less actionable outside of the bay (which is full of startups that are growing rapidly and trying new things). I do think there’s still something to it. If you gain skills and responsibilities as well as you can, I think that even if your current job doesn’t recognize that and reward it, you’ll be building up skills that’ll make you more desirable the next time you change jobs.

2) Say you think you’re in a really good industry, and you know that other people in your industry make decent money, but for some reason, you’re not. Or, alternatively, say that you have a lot of skills and some work experience in a decent industry, but you can’t get anyone to call you back, and you’re beginning to wonder if maybe you’re secretly terrible and have zero Good Employee Qualities.

Getting a new job is hard, and leaving an old job is scary. I know; I just left my old job, and I spend lots of time being scared that nobody’s gonna hire me and I’m gonna have to go back to working at Kroger again, where I only made it through cashiering shifts by imagining that my characters were being tortured and that I could only save them by making it to the end of the next hour. 

But it really does pay to look at what else is out there. You can get some ideas by very casually looking at job sites like Glassdoor or Indeed; there might be nothing, or a bunch of job postings that you don’t understand, but I’ve found that it’s often good to get the lay of the land and figure out what recruiters are looking for in your industry. If you want better odds, and you have some successful friends, it can pay to ask them whether their companies are hiring for a position you can fill, and whether any of them might like to recommend you for it.

If you don’t have an easy way to get your foot in the door, you’re gonna be filling out a lot of applications. This sucks, but it doesn’t mean that you suck. If you really feel like you’re qualified for the sort of job you want, get someone to help you put together a good resume that shows off your skills, put together a portfolio or similar if you’re in the relevant industries, and resign yourself to applying to dozens or maybe hundreds of things. Recruiters are super arbitrary and will totally disqualify you based on things that have nothing to do with your ability to do the job. (This isn’t even because they’re bad people, it’s because they have a stack of resumes on their desk and have only the faintest idea how to tell which of the associated candidates are gonna be good at things.) It’s a numbers game. If you’re not doing something really ridiculous, like applying to every job with a resume that only lists completely unrelated kinds of work experience, then someone’ll probably talk to you eventually. It’ll just probably take way more applications than you’d think.

(Oh, also, all of the requirements in job postings tend to be pretty silly; as long as you think you’re genuinely capable of doing the work, I think you should apply to jobs where you meet maybe 75% of the stated requirements if the job sounds OK, and maybe 50% if it’s something you’d be really excited to get to do.)

3) If you’re not in a career sort of job at all - if you’re stuck behind the counter at Wendy’s right now, in which case my heart goes out to you, anon friend - or you’ve found yourself in a career that pays very badly or makes you unhappy, and you don’t think your skills will translate to anything you like doing, then you might want to look at changing careers entirely. Most people will tell you to go to college, if you haven’t already. I’m gonna tell you that college is a great thing for lots of people, but not always a good idea financially, and not always the best way forward, especially if you’re not very academically inclined. 

Think about what you’re good at, and think about what your dealbreakers are. You’re approaching this from thinking about money, not about passion, but you still don’t want to end up in a job that you’re a terrible fit for; you’ll get fired or be miserable all the time, and that’s no good for anyone. 

As a first line, if you feel that you’re reasonably flexible and talented, here are some very different jobs that make good money; you might want to consider whether you’re a good fit for any of these, and do more research as appropriate. (This is largely an exercise to get you thinking, not to say that these specific jobs are the ones you should definitely be looking at.)- Nursing. There’s a perpetual shortage of nurses, they have to exist everywhere in the country, and they make at least decent pay no matter where they live. For an RN, you’re looking at an average of about $55k per year in the cheapest states, and about $90k per year in the most expensive ones (although remember that this isn’t what you’ll make at the beginning of your career). I don’t recommend it if you really dislike people, long hours, college classes, heavy lifting, or bodily fluids, but I do think it’s a career that a lot more people should be willing to consider. If you think you can hack the education part, but not so much the heavy lifting, the bodily fluids, or the being around people who might be dying, dental hygienists make about the same amount, and their patients hardly ever need to be carried anywhere while possibly dying. I think.

- Software engineering. The pay rate here is kind of insane; if you have the interest and aptitude, then doing a coding bootcamp and getting a programming job in either NYC or San Francisco is a relatively attainable way of making a genuinely six-figure salary within a few years of starting, even if you don’t have a college degree. It’s not for everyone - I’ve tried to learn, a little, but I’ve bounced off pretty hard so far - but it’s a great opportunity for people who can hack it, so to speak. Like nursing, there’s a shortage here, mostly because software is a rapidly expanding industry that has only existed for, like, forty years tops.

- The skilled trades. We’re talking about electricians, mechanics, plumbers, carpenters, and other people in this space. It’s hard in different ways than an office job, but there are a lot of people who these are a good fit for. While they’re not as highly paid as nurses or engineers, people in the skilled trades do OK; reaching $50k per year is totally feasible, and people who are both skilled and lucky can break $80k. These jobs tend to go by apprenticeship systems, so if you don’t have a family member or friend to vouch for you, it’s a good idea to look at trade schools in your area to get you started, and then expect to spend several years in a junior position until you know what’s what.

- Flight Attendants. Not all flight attendants are particularly well-paid, but many are, and things like waitressing can be counted as relevant experience. The first flight attendant job I found on Indeed just now is $18 an hour and doesn’t require any experience or a degree, though the requirements do have a lot to say about your appearance, height (gotta be able to get luggage out of the overhead compartments, after all), and willingness to work really weird hours. The BLS reports that the median flight attendant ultimately makes about $56k per year. 

- Police officers. Obviously there are a ton of very legit reasons not to want to be a police officer, but I am of the opinion that someone’s gotta do it, and it’s better if the people involved wanna do it right, right? (I guess I don’t know if you want to do it right. Please don’t become a police officer purely for the money and then shoot someone, anon.) The median police officer makes about $60k, and it doesn’t require a college education, which is honestly a pretty good deal even if you’re not as passionate as Judy Hopps. I don’t recommend it as a job unless you’re not scared of people, even the creepy ones, ‘cause scared people make mistakes, and when police officers make mistakes, sometimes people end up dead.

If you read that list and were like, “Bard, there’s a reason I’m at Wendy’s, can you lower your expectations here a little,” you might want to look into stuff like warehousing, groundskeeping, janitorial work, sales, garbage collection, or construction work. Job sites are your friends; it’s useful to browse them and see what sorts of jobs pay the kinds of salaries you’re looking for. I also think you might be well-served by considering whether you can move in with friends or family in a part of the country where wages are higher. The big cost of living difference in other places is rent, so if you have a housing situation figured out or can split that cost with a friend, you can make a lot more money just by doing the same thing somewhere else. For example, before I got super lucky and became a Real Content Writer, my plan was to hang out on my friend’s couch for six months rent-free, work at some supermarket in SF, and then take my wages back home to Indiana to pay for the rest of my degree. And honestly, if I hadn’t fallen in love with this ridiculous place and hadn’t immediately gotten a much better job, I think it very well might have worked.

There’s a lot more that I could say here, but this is already pretty long. The main things are to think about where you’re headed, to look around at all of the different possible lucrative directions to head in if you don’t like where you are, and to figure out what steps you’d have to take to get there. You’re welcome to come to my inbox with more questions about this - my last job was all about helping people find jobs themselves, so I guess I should know something about it by now - but you might need to be a little more specific if I didn’t hit on the thing you’re stuck on in this post.

[the-desolated-quill]

Cold Blood - Doctor Who blog

(SPOILER WARNING: The following is an in-depth critical analysis. If you haven’t seen this episode yet, you may want to before reading this review)

Did I mention how much I don’t like Chris Chibnall as a writer and how I really, really didn’t want him to write a Silurian story? I’m sure I did.

‘But Quill,’ I can hear you saying in my head, ‘it’s not that bad. The only reason you’re being so negative about it is because you’re comparing it to the original. Why not judge it on its own merits?’ Well first of all, it’s impossible not to compare this to the original because Chibnall is trying so desperately to emulate it (and failing miserably), and second, even by its own merits, it’s still shit.

The reason why the original Silurian/human debate worked so well was because there was no clear right or wrong answer. Both sides had a point and neither side was presented as being 100% good or evil. It was complex, nuanced and thus interesting. The debate in Cold Blood however is so cack handed and so extreme that it’s impossible to be invested in this at all.

Let’s start with the Silurian side of the debate. You have Restac, a character who’s even more boring and one note than her twin sister Alaya (i didn’t even think that was possible). Her solution to every problem is to kill all the humans. A mysterious drill from the surface is detected. Kill the humans. The perimeter has been breached. Kill the humans. You lose your car keys. Kill the humans. She never considers the possibility that this is all one giant misunderstanding. Nor is there ever an explanation for why she hates humans so much. She’s just a dull cardboard cutout foaming at the mouth.

Then there’s Eldane, played by Stephen Moore. The leader of the Silurians and who is so insanely nice to the point where it almost starts to become comical. Even when Rory, Ambrose and Tony show up carrying Alaya’s corpse, and Ambrose threatens to kill all the Silurians with the drill, Eldane still tries to help the Doctor and everyone escape at the end even by going so far as to gas his own people. What the fuck?! You could probably sit there quoting excerpts from Mein Kampf whilst jetting heroin into your eyes and defacing a library book in front of him and he’d still insist that peace could be brokered between our species.

Finally there’s the Silurian scientist Malohkeh, played by Richard Hope, who is by far the most confusing character. In this episode they go out of their way to present him as this cuddly, reasonable person who abhors violence and confrontation, but in the previous episode he was the one torturing Mo and Amy and threatening to dissect them. Talk about inconsistent.

The humans are just as bad. Tony, Ambrose’s dad played by Robert Pugh, was poisoned in the previous episode and is slowly dying, so he secretly offers to let Alaya go in exchange for a cure. Now this could be interesting. Deceit, backstabbing, survival at all costs etc. Except it’s never brought up again and even at the end he’s still treated as one of the good guys. What?! It gets even weirder when he chastises Ambrose for killing Alaya as though he’s the moral authority when a few scenes earlier he was prepared to sell out his own grandson in exchange for his own miserable life, the conniving bastard.

Ambrose too, played by Nia Roberts, is just plain daft. She’s desperate to save her son and dad (and husband Mo, although she keeps forgetting to mention him. Bad writing or a sign of marital problems? I’ll let you decide... but the answer is bad writing), and threatens to torture Alaya for information. Three problems with this. One, it’s already been established that Alaya isn’t going to talk, so torture is pointless. Two, she already knows the Doctor has gone underground to negotiate an exchange of hostages, so if she just sits patiently and doesn’t interfere, everything will be fine. And three, there’s no buildup to this whatsoever. She’s not suitably desperate enough to resort to such drastic action. All that’s happened is that Alaya has taunted her a bit and now all of a sudden she’s a cold blooded murderer. This isn’t subtle character shading. This is just picking random scenarios out of a hat.

And then there’s the Doctor, who is quite possibly the biggest idiot of the bunch. He insists that a peace can be brokered and that despite all their atrocities and crimes and violent actions, humans are still nice, kind, lovely people that the Silurians can totes be bezzy mates with. Where the Doctor is getting this idea from I don’t know considering this is the fourth time he’s tried to get the humans and the Silurians to play nice and it never works out. But my biggest problem is that he makes it all sound so simple. He claims there’s no reason why the Silurians and the humans couldn’t work together, but as I’ve already mentioned at the beginning of this review, it’s not as simple as that. We have trouble sharing the planet with members of our own species. How are we going to cope with another? And Nasreen sensibly points out that we can barely sustain our population due to limited resources. We can’t just shove another population of people on top. But no. The Doctor says it’s possible, therefore it must be so. I’m sick of New Who constantly squashing any chance for a complex moral debate in favour of overly simplistic answers. I would much rather watch Nasreen and Eldane debate about their futures rather than watch boring chase scenes and the Doctor pissing about like a tit in a trance.

Also how are Amy and Nasreen qualified to negotiate on behalf of the human race? I know Moffat and Chibnall are trying to sell the idea of the everyman hero, but again, it’s not as simple as that. How are they going to explain this to the people on the surface? Are the Silurians just going to march into the UN and go ‘Hi guys! Sorry to disturb you. We’re the Silurians. Basically these two humans that you don’t know and have no authority whatsoever have said we can share the planet with you guys. Hope that’s okay. Bye.’

Also Amy makes the idiotic suggestion that the Silurians can populate the Sahara, the Nevada Plains and the Australian Outback because they’re ‘uninhabited.’

Blimey, I’d hate to be the one that has to tell the Tuareg or the indigenous Australians that they’re going to have to share their lands with a bunch of lizard people.

Anyway the negotiations break down, everyone scarpers, the Doctor tells Tony that he’s not in fact dying but actually mutating (Huh?), and so has to stay underground to be decontaminated while Nasreen elects to stay with him (it’s a shame. I’d love to have seen her as a companion. She got on so well with the Doctor and Meera Syal is always fun to watch). Then Eldane poisons his own people (da fuck?!), the Doctor blows up the drill and then makes the insanely stupid suggestion that Mo, Ambrose and Elliot spread the word that in a thousand years time the planet is to be shared.

That is quite possibly the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. There are two possible scenarios to this. Either everyone dismisses them as a bunch of weirdos or UNIT and Torchwood get wind of it and venture underground for a bit of pest extermination. (Also doesn’t the Earth get scorched by solar flares a thousand years in the future in The Beast Below?)

And then just when you think things couldn’t possibly get any worse, that bloody crack shows up again. It has the same effect as the one in Flesh And Stone did, effectively trampling all over the narrative. But then things take an unexpected turn when Rory kicks the bucket. Both Matt Smith and Karen Gillan are to be commended here because they both act their socks off in this scene, but it’s hard to be emotionally invested because Rory’s not dead. And I’m not just saying that with the benefit of hindsight. Even at the time I didn’t think Rory was actually dead because we saw him and Amy’s future selves waving at the beginning of The Hungry Earth. So I suspected that Moffat’s hand was hovering over the reset button. It was just a question of when he was going to press it. So yeah, it did dampen the emotional impact ever so slightly.

Now usually I like to inject some humour into my reviews, usually in the form of cynicism, bad puns, and occasionally through the use of smutty innuendo because I’m really, really childish. Believe it or not, I don’t sit there thinking of naughty things to say. Sometimes the best ones are just handed to me on a silver platter, and this is one such occasion. I see it as my reward for putting up with an hour and a half of crap, so if you don’t mind I’d like to take this opportunity to just savour the moment.

Ready? Here we go.

The Doctor sticks his hand up Moffat’s crack and pulls out a shard of the TARDIS.

Oh thank you God! You’re too kind to me!

Cold Blood is terrible in every way. Chris Chibnall tries so hard to replicate the success of the original Doctor Who And The Silurians, but forgets what made the original so good to begin with. If you’re interested in the Silurians and/or want to get into the classic series, I urge you to watch the original Silurian story. It’s dark and morally complex with well written, nuanced characters and the ending has a shocking and tragic impact because you actually grow to care for both sides. If you’re prepared to look past the bad 70s special effects and cheap looking rubber latex monster designs, it’s a treat. The Hungry Earth and Cold Blood on the other hand is an absolute failure that pales in comparison to the original. The characters are one dimensional, the moral debate is reduced to two sets of extremes with none of the complexity or nuance the story requires, and I didn’t give a single shit about anyone or anything. The Silurians deserve so much better than this.

[annasellheim]

What was the center for cartoon studies like? What were the main things you learned there? Why wasnt it enjoyable?

Whooo boy! Ok! Let's get into it.First let's talk about why it was bad: White River Junction is a shitty small town in VT in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do (especially if you don't have a car, which I didn't). Next, CCS can, at most, have a student body of 50 students. My first year, there were 40 of us and the second year there were 30. So when you are spending all your time with so few people (bc I wasn't really hanging out with locals) there's a ton of drama (and if you haven't figured out this by my work yet, I'm dramatic as FUCK) and shit talking and all that stuff. I could literally see myself become more and more toxic, more bitter, and was powerless to stop it. And it's nuts too because I was really popular and well liked in the beginning. I just ended up throwing away of friendships because I couldn't deal ( plus I tend to do that unfortunately, I am trying to figure how to stop doing that). The sun set at 4 everyday in winter and it was freezing so I had no energy (this is super obnoxious of me but I fell asleep in class practically every week). I didn't know that seasonal depressive disorder was actually a thing until I moved there. Finally, I broke my drawing hand the second year, so I spent 10 weeks barely able to draw (I only was able to pencil 11 pages I that time- actually, Fractured - the comic I reblogged about the high schooler w suicidal ideation, was completely drawn with a broken hand. Somehow my style became more realistic when I broke my hand, I don't know) and I threw my back out and broke my computer and went down on my meds in the same week, so that few weeks was the closest I have ever come to being hospitalized for mental illness stuff (it didn't happen though, thank god).CCS was also the first time I really internalized sexism that I had experienced. I know I'm late to the game on that, not really feeling like I personally experienced sexism until I was 28, but I'm just oblivious to that shit. But yes, the faculty was sexist, and I also had a bunch of dude friends ( who I would later kick to the curb, which sounds ok but they were good guys so no, it really wasn't) that were oblivious to the fact that they had insane male privilege and were fucking man children while women going through similar shit re: mental illness were fucked over big time in the program.I literally was talking to someone last night about how even though I'm not in a great place right now for a variety of reasons, I so much better than I was in White River Junction, it's nuts. BUT NOT EVERYONE FEELS THIS WAY- like @betseyswardlick had a fabulous time, so it varies for people. I just know most of my class was miserable by the second year.So what did I learn from CCS about making comics? Man just about everything. I learned I like working on a three tier grid, I learned all the tech shit I have to do, I learned that thumb nailing was a thing, I learned what spot blacks were, I learned how to use a nib, how to use a light box, how to pace a comic, how to use social media to form a web presence, how to do a bunch of shit important for the business side of cartooning, how to table at a convention, how to network, and more. Not all of that was the faculty either- social media shit I learned from @tilliewalden , pacing shit I learned partially from class but also a ton from @kotalines . And being part of a community meant I got really good feedback on all my stuff. BIG ADVICE TIP GUYS- if you are making art or comics, find people to give you feedback, it really improves your stuff. Even though it's hard to hear sometimes, like really really hard.CCS also gave me a community with alum in classes before me. Some of my closer friends here (in Providence) went to CCS back in the day, and having that network in a new city helps a lot. Finally, CCS was good because it made me way more radical, as a person. I had never met a trans person (that I knew of) and the class above me had two, I never heard of asexuality of gender queerness before coming to CCS (and I fought that shit hard when I was introduced to those ideas. I'm not gonna lie, I don't fully understand gender stuff still but I'm very much "you do you and I'll respect it" now. And I might fucking BE asexual so that's a whole thing too). I never was friends with immigrants and international students really before coming to CCS (with the exception of that weird semester in college where I only hung out with Chinese exchange students which was fun but strange). And they were all POC so it gave me a new perspective on things. One of them, @salakjitcomix helped me write Safe because she is also Thai and was able to give me insight into Kamon's character. BE WARNED THOUGH! My class was an outlier- CCS on the whole IS super white (including me) and super dude heavy. And it really hasn't addressed that shit well. Last year a really smart POC student pointed a ton of shit out to the school but if they end up actually addressing it is a whole other matter. The faculty is like, classic white liberal where they think they're progressive but when it comes to race they are clueless (at least in my opinion). But to be fair, I'm white and can be super clueless too. A lot of cartoonists resent the shit out CCS ers (Simon Hanselmon even called us the CCS mafia) because we are essentially paying for all these perks with tuition, which is true. I've never tried to downplay my financial privilege, and yeah, we're taking a huge short cut by going to CCS. But the work coming out by students is getting better and better, so while we may be paying our way through some shit, we've got the chops to back it up.@salakjitcomix , @stephaniezuppo and @tilliewalden are of three of my best friends in the world and I never would have met them if not for CCS. A lot of really genuinely awesome people have come out of that school.All in all, going to CCS was not a fun experience, but it was the most rewarding thing I've ever done. If I ever make it in comics ( to be fair, I have no fucking idea what this means) it will be because of the school.CCS PEOPLE YOU SHOULD CHECK OUT: @tilliewalden @robsmithing @stephaniezuppo @jaradgreene @kotalines @hyenafu @carodoodles @moth-ire @robsmithing @stevethueson @planperiod @betseyswardlick @laurellynnleake @blastmastr @andsoluke @mystery-town just to name a few!

[calvinlepesh]

yes here you go

  Workcrew immediately for incompletion of the run is common for new kids and previous strugglers. Workcrew is named so because it makes u do nothing because u cant do something so instead of WORKing on something because u suck at that you literally work doing nothing. You have to work to keep yourself entertained. Work to keep yourself from going insane looking at that orange peel textured wall. Yikes. work to not fucking freeze too jesus fucking christ fuck whoever controlled the thermostat. just saying. Sure they didnt know or didnt care but fuck them for that. anyway. After the run you come inside go back to ur room if ur not on workcrew you chill for a few minutes while the chef is done cooking for the entire facility. Obvisouly being on wprl crew You dont eat whatever everyone else eats they work they get reward u no work no reward. oats and water and those fucking goddamn apples. fuck They're probably eating some kickass breakfest burrito or A nice blue berry muffin with yogurt. actually I know and still know the food schedule for breakfest and lunch for everyday of the week. It hardly change and very slightly if ever. So i knew what I could've been eating worst part about it is they eat literally inches from you. Your back facing them listening to them eat and salvate smelling all the condiments and fresh bacon. Waiting patiently for all the other students to finish their meals and wash their dishwear and go to their rooms only after do they. Give you your W/C meal. Oats and water fuck me. The worst part about it was after awhile I got so skinny that parker had me start eating a bowl of oatmeal with every meal this is when i was doing decently well but still being full of shit just not as much. But the worst part was I got 2 bowls of it while all other w/c got 1 And i started to even like it. Almost as if my taste buds had adapted over awhile to enjoy the oats. fuck those apples tho sometimes they were a 3 out of 10. best compliment I can give there sorry not sorry. anyway eat ur meal. its time for group. Group is when the entire facility all families and w/c and parker the director sit down commonly in a circle with parker in a chair and the students on the floor but before I left They had been consistently all in the life timechairs except parker who stood at the front of the main room with the students in a movie theatur like fashion without the leveled tiers obviously. but in order of w/c to family 1-5 so work crew being at the very front right feet from parker. During group we would review issues regarding anything and i mean anything wrong with the facility or the students and staff inside of it. It is encouraged and heavily peer supported to tell on each other and to work on themselves and not let anybody even other students or roomates get in your way. WORK ON YOURSELF by Sourrounding yourself with people on the same mission as you and who do the things to suggest they are going to continue to stay on that mission was a huge message that was pushed in a variety of ways at liahona. through team building exercises, group discussion and definitely confrontation. It is common for students to lash out when they're new. Probably cause they're from California and think these motherfuckers cant do shit to me im a minor. Think again, welcome to Southern buttfuck nowhere Literally sand mountains mars-looking Hurricane Utah. Body slam ur bitchass for acing outta line. Talking back blatent disrespect and obviously anything suggesting possilbe physical or verbal outbreak resulted in a restaint. Most staff would warn u like chill out orim gonna put u on the ground. And you'd get in trouble just for that. Sometimes even a little more secretly I think for not following through. but maybe not considering its a change in behavior. im sure it could be situational. Regardless. back to the story. group typically lasted an hour or so sometimes would watch a documentary afterwards sometimes even a movie however those became quite rare as the students or cycle in. Called generations of students. I was the last of my generation for a good amount of time towards the end of my stay at liahona. Depressing very much so. Watching people who go there a year after u graduate before you. U began to believe those insecurities more and more. and if you have struggle throughout your life with putting negative energy in the universe in the form of speech by conversion of energy to your body which is apart of the universe. i know alittle hard to follow but bear with me and try your best. After group you'd either get on or off of work crew based on how well u did at nothing and the little something u do such as workouts the morning run how u address staff members how even how frequent you use the bathroom to see if ur trying to get up. What was cool at Liahona was doing what you were told. being obiedient at all times immediately and when you do fuck up take the mistake and turn it into success instead of letting it slow you down as a failure. With such a poor mindset at Liahona especially towards the middle of my stay. I stayed at level 1 for 16 months. Probably a record not really a bragging thing tho. The point is I sucked at being a normal ass human. Full of attitude and was disobiedent with little to no respect given off the bat to any adult. Like I was the shit... When you're the shit you don't have the same problems that people who arent the shit have correct. So tying all the way back to the hospital metaphor with my secret broken leg. Honestly was probably secret to me as receiving the injuries throughout critical young developmental stages. I had alot of problems being honest because I was the shit and the shit wasnt supposed to be doing all this disgusting and sad. self demeaning outragous nasty stuff. thats all im gonna say. currently. im not ready to open up about my full past for i feel currently it lays at rest where it belongs until decieded otherwise by me. Now.. where were me. I was the shit. after coming out with stuff half assed in anattempt to still look kinda like the shit. they caught me on my bullshit and I spilled the beans. No longer was I the shit. I was shit. They broke me down emotionally. Making me write my story over and over again my entire life all the things I had ever done wrong. Each time I either came out with something new or changed something becasue everything I told my therapist was true but skewed and I lost track of my story. I had fucked myself and they gave me the rope to do it because they wanted me to earn my coniquences no have them given to me based on a hunch. I fucked myself. and unfortunately it was just he beginning for my emotional workouts. For the next two years. I trecked on. Fast forward july 2016 Im level 4 shadowing a new student with a level 3. us three since we are shadowing can talk in the room about rules only and how to teach them. while having our responsibilities with the quote aswell. at this point I could memorize anything. Memorized some crazy shit honestly wish that the content of the quote was more useful in a sense of remembering important things. or things that are commonly remembered by some idk. the point is we were aloud to talk about rules only. this didnt stay over time after me doing well getting to level fucking 4 this was huge for me and I had gotten comfortable and complacent in my position halting any further actions towards bettering myself everyday. exactly what they don't want you to do. We ended up flying our shadow solo which means hes a level one and we cant talk to him anymore and its cbo. basically hes in the big leagues now. But the level 3 and the other roommate who wasnt aloud to talk but was in the room while we shadowed the new student literally everyday for a month or two. And we all started breaking CBO together. basically we literally talked. about any and everything. Eventually getting comfortable doing that after a week or so couldnt have been too much longer than a week or two before guess who our same shadowed new student turns us in... Just like we had taught him to do. He was rewarded heavily. This was 1 july 2016. the 4th was parkers fav holiday does a shit ton of fun shit for everybody and everybody can talk water balloon fights watermelon eating contest hot dogs play basketball freely. fucking board games bro straight up. I had been at Liahona at this time for 2 about to be 3 Fourth of julys at Liahona and they just got better and better problem was I spent all 3 on work crew. top that off I spent all of July and into August on workcrew. It started off as suicide watch run risk and do nothing. literally as worse at it got. You can use the bathroom and sit in this chair. and you can sleep on this mattress with the fans and AC on with no blankets or pillows. So It stayed like that for  a week. Miserable completely miserable. I had finally started doing well got to level fucking four and im on work crew do nothing sui watch run risk and Ive been here for two years sleeping in the commons with no blanket or pillows shivering. Ill still never forget that day parker said I could choose to have a blanket or a pillow. FUCK U THINK? blanket. ez. I was literally giggling with joy that night under its warmth. That whole month slowly and slowly got increasingly easier on work crew and I didnt know why I was even still on It'd been a fucking month this was august 1st. The next day august 2nd 2016 Parker comes in and tells me im finally leaving. This was a really big day for me and brings to me currently some very strong emotions of relief and regret. For I hadn't completely wasted my time at Liahona but then again I typically in the past back then never completed anything. And honestly that is one of my bullshit things that I say to myself. and still have some belief in for good reason to gain perspective from it. Because unfortunately there are things in this world that are bad but also true. Thats just the way things work. There is good in bad and bad in good always. It may be hard to find or the pros out weigh the cons or vice versa. I see the bad, me not taking very good advantage at all of what Liahona had to offer for me at all times. However still gaining from it which is good aswell of course. But the bad being I did waste alot of my time. Now am I completely to blame for the duration of my time there. Yes because I made the decisions that led to me having to be there longer. honestly cause I needed to be there longer. Maybe a slight tiny bit of blame on my father for neglect to anextent of course when it came to life rules and making sure I know and remember them. But at the end of the day I kept myself on the wall and I have taken responsibility and if I havent i will now. I fucked up at liahona and I caused myself to be there for aslong as I was obviously not intentionally but for some reason. Cause I hated myself and nobody felt bad for me. I nolonger desire that attention. Because I know that If that attention is given to me in the quantity desired and by the form of attention inwhich idesired. Would inturn keep me immature as im hiding and nesting away from my feelings rather than pour them out and release the hate and sadness because its no good. it does no good besides grant perspective both to yourself and others. I never brag about giving to the homeless. Truly the reason I bring it up is because I may not have been homeless for very long or hadn't been homeless without atleast a couch or a garage to sleep in. But after enduring just that water down verison of being homeless. I know they need that damn money more than I do. Im not going to be unreasonable and give him everything I have on my card. but typically I give them at the minimum a cig if they want one and a conversation just cause people need to talk to people. whether they're drunk or not sad or happy talking turns our feelings into reality based on what you desire long term and short term almost combined in a way. You can switch up long term desires such as careers and lifestyles however it is not recommended. However also if you are still in a somewhat content mindset settling for like85 percent full on ur content scale. And this is what you need a little change up. Then by all means switch but keep the short term desires because those need to work first. Before you even decide what you want from life and ur existance ask yourself am I happy? If you are not atleast somewhat content with who you are an individual currently. You need to follow what I told you earlier. You need to dig deep in your heart and soul and mind. Focus on the center of your chest. thats where i feel my soul communicate to me. And i search it with my mind sending inquizitive thoughts to it for its response. Your body is a rosetta stone in a way for literal human communication (speech) and the vibrations of the universe. And vice versa. your body picks up things from the universe and world that it tells u. Maybe gut feelings? Hunches? A strong feeling for no reason??? EVERYTHING HAS A REASON. And if it isn't this than prove it to me. It proves itself and you can try it for yourself. Find contentment in your preplanned manifestation that we call "The Universe" by recognizing both your current insignificance in the real world possibly currently or maybe never; never in your mind atleast. But also your significance in how much control you have just because of what fucking species you are and all the things you can learn. Know you have significance because this is your world and you already chose how your life is going to end. What will last for you what won't. Because somebody (you u idiot) set it up to happen that way. Say you think im full of shit and just crazy. Let me ask you.... Lets just say for shits and giggles then, that you are God/ superior being so to speak. And you created everything we have ever known. Planets, plants, rocks .people communication, every conversation. EVERY FUCKING EVERYTHING WAS MADE BY YOU. so with that in mind given that and the vast amount of knowledge that comes with some power.literally unimaginable because we cant EVEN FUCKING COMPREHEND it.  ie You as God know that all good must have evil. So you realize large world thats actually rather small in comparison to alot of other fucking planets. Maybe it makes some people feel inferior maybe it turns people towards hate. But you decieded we're going to make a little safe haven whenthis random motherfucker wants to see if the world is flat. Killed all the indians. negative. USA positive. Rev war possibly hardcore karma for killing indians unlikely but it always is anyways. we win rev war Now we are free. Put Lepesh in free nation in 1999. He reconizes the power of the mind body and soul combined in the trinity. And wants to spread the message that you too can be happy. the suffering can end. Ive been diagonosed with depression add adhd odd ocd ptsd abcd u fucking name it. And they made a killing off of my parents. Granted I was a very problematic child so they started taking me in at a young age. over time with people telling me whats wrong with me. Yeah ima tell them to fuck off cause Im living the life i want to live. I may not know the consiquences are for me choosing to live like such. But I will and When I do I will weild that power given to me in knowledge and spread to you my wisdom. Speech isnt the only way to manifest things into your reality. Any human contact that can be described by and spoken with our apparently primitive words of any language. YOU MUST MEAN HOW YOU FEEL  Currently this is my world and universe because I value very few things about myself in the grand scheme of everything. Given that wouldn't I want the one thing I value a great deal to succeed and fulfill his dreams and have a goodass life? So thats what this mindset program will do. Others will use it becuase their kids are driving them up the walls and they just can't do it anymore. They're about to throw in the towel and don't know what to do anymore. Maybe its for somebody looking for love and they need to realize that u literally must love urself first. You cannot give what you donot already have. Unless you promiss to give which is an entire other problem in itself given that you can never give the love you want to give because you must find it for yourself by dedicating large amounts of time to yourself over time which you cannot do if ur constantly giving your feeling of infatuation and potential 'promise love' IE I promise you one day Ill love you but right now I cant cause I dont love myself. But I promise I will love myself but u wont. U simply wont. Until you learn your worth which by the fucking way bro. straight the fukc up listen. By the way. you decide your worth. The way you decide to change your worth is by finding the opposing core belief about urself the angelic side the white fluffy this is who I truly am side. The I wanna die fuck everything not even worth it this world isnt worth bringing anybody into is bullshit. However nesscessary for a short period for perspective and experiential sake. Bullshit. You manifested bullshit told to you over time in different ways. almost like taking pieces of gum out from underneath tables accorss every resturant you go through for example ur entire life. making a big ball of gross bullshit told to you in the forms of verbal abuse sexual physical. just bullshit. Best thing about bullshit is that it is always bad. The only good in the bad of bullshit is that it give great perspective and it helps this rant lol. Anyways, Realize that angelic force you hold and listen to your mind and heart tell you what you already know. and put it into action by reminding yourself about it as much as possible until its all you really think about. You'll notice key changes in yourself. Keep in mind these some of these effects happened immediately some over time some after forgetting my worth some during forgetting my worth.For myself after finding myself again focusing on the bullshit that isnt true. Radical difference in hesitation to speak to people. and to even what im going to speak. I used to care about everything and project that I care about nothing. It was fucking stupid sad and pretty pathetic actually. very sad now that I think about it. Pretending almost in a way. Sag my pants wear dark and almost shady clothing. ears pierced, quit sports, smoke weed, everything to say I don't give a fuck about anything at all ever and never will. I did it and said it. Of course with periods of absolute disbelief and saddness for I knew the whole time I was living a bullshit fabricated lie that directly stemmed from my self esteem issues and uncertainty in myself and the universe. Im very grateful for my current state of being however unsober. very very helpful and a clear message from myself that I believe I know what I need to do. Or what I want to do. But how? Im not worried about why because Its impossible and highly unlikely that the reason presents itself so early. And so it has before but many a few times and such a long time inbetween instances its almost radical to gamble on such things. Might aswell waste my time doing jack shit sitting on the fucking wall for no reason. Im going to end this in the same fashion I started it to an extent. Unexpected and unrehearsed and will summarize in steps how use this Mindset Program I designed to help those capable enough to over come depression and treat general unhappiness with the combined power of your heart mind and soul. Idk but i wasnt specifically planning on making a book for financial gain although it was a large contributing factor. and I as I sit here and think about what I typed it doesn't matter. Because regardless of what happens I wanted it to so it will in the exact way I want it to effect me. if at all idk if i will lol. Crazy man lifes a trip. I need money and i dont deserve it but I can say confidently currently right this moment I would spend my money according to what I desire in the long term. And it would help me start that journey so I may learn more. and continue to better myself as an individual everyday. or  at the very least do something that shows im a good person. In this world you have to keep your guard up not always but typically a great majority of the time. Given that, it's not hard to see why nobody trusts anybody on anything anymore. For a long time and still to this day a vast majority of humans have and will continue to act good but do bad consistently. They have simply been worshiping there bullshit thoughts. The best thing you can do for such a person who has potentially lost all hope. Or is on that path or near the end of it. Let that person know you love them. Only do so if you mean what you say tho. If you mean the words and they are looking at you when you say it. They will straight the fuck up feel your love. Might not be a fucking serotonin shot but its a little love that they will feel and remind them. Its never too late to change your mindset and find empathy for yourself and the world. Here are the current Finalized step by step instructions on how to use my newly developed highly successful Mindset Program. Guarenteeed to bring about contentment and feelings of joy to those who complete and follow these steps completely... 1.)FIRST OFF DO NOT READ THIS SHIT IF YOU AREN'T OPEN-MINDED OR YOU'LL NEVER HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO LEARN IT AGAIN, WAIT UNTIL YOU GET YOURSELF ATLEAST SOMEWHAT UNDERCONTROL.2.)EMPATHY Either Already have or Develop a very hardcore understanding and knowledge of empathy by having gratitude through perspective that you must gain. Gaining perspective can happen in a number of ways. The misfortunate are a great way to lead you to happiness. By giving away your money need it or not. who needs it more. and what are they spending it on. If you were homeless outside in january wouldnt you want to be drunk? you were gonna buy a steak and lobster dinner that night anyway even if you didnt have the 10$ cash you gave to Michael by the dumpster. That inturn puts you indebt in a way to the universe. Almost saying this guy will get something good from this at some point in his life. Could be your friend buying your next meal or an invitation to a crazy party. who knows and who knows when its going to happen. we don't the beauty of it is that you know its coming in some shape or form. infact it might have already paid its debt by making you feel better when you did it???? Put yourself in less fortunate peoples shoes. Take acid as much as you can within reason obviously you don't wanna end up fried as fuck. But definitely trip balls man go learn about yourself and the world. Acid is a key to more knowledge. You swim in it but its like trying to bring water (the knowledge) with you when you get out of the pool. You can never even get close to obtaining all of that knowledge. I just needed enough to know that my life isn't completely fucking worthless cause I truly can control my life and you can control yours. Is so empowering to see it happen first hand. To see success finally coming and showing itself after all this time. The worst part is I knew all of this shit long ago. I was told this stuff in Liahona and They knew we didn't fully get it yet. Now I get it. Finally. wtf. I can control my own life.3.)SEARCH YOUR SOUL WITH YOUR MIND. Literally ask yourself questions like a literal one sided conversation. Ask yourself. What do I desire in my life most? For me? Wife car house maybe a farm cat dog fucking dont care whatever she wants the house to look like. two cars actually. I want a boat. and a stable well paying job and some kickass kids. When do I want it to happen. I decided that before I was here. Because I was apart of the aliens maybe idk lol just a thought. Maybe they let me choose they were like yo man this is where ur coming into this planet. they're dumb but think they're really smart and theres lots of chaos they're pretty bad animals i know its a bad gig to send you into but if you like what you can make happen go for it. I wouldn't come into this world unless I knew that things would work out for me at some point. and idk if today is the day but ive realized again what I had already realized but soon forgotten about over a month after. Either from complacentcey or just down right bad memory. Either way I forgot the path and Now I am back.4.)YOU ARE LOOKING FOR THE GOOD IN THE BAD AND THE BAD IN THE GOOD For example, for me my bads are so seldom compared to what some people across the universe go through on a daily basis. I have it so good already. Now compared to the rest of my country.. yeah Im not doing very well financially or on some of the selfs. I have the mental capcity and emotional knowledge and strength currently developed from years of deep depression and sadness. Drug abuse and wanting to be numb. Wanting to die or hurt myself. Here I am reconizing the bad in my life the symptoms of listening and believing other peoples bullshit. Reconizing that the bullshit isnt true and was never true. sometimes reconizing a genreal date that you remember yourself starting to believe what people bullshit to you about yourself. Maybe you remember how you felt about yourself before someone called you fat or ugly or hurt u in some way. Remember previous relationships that have cut u deep over time and may even hurt a bit to think about. Remember the fighting and bullshit. But most importantly remember the good times. Ive caught myself many times forgetting the numerous good times had with previous loved ones in almost a desperate attempt to save yourself. Its a protection tactic that completely stops any and all emotional grow. The only way you get stronger is if you do the work. Just like at the gym the only way you get a ripped ass chest or a 6 pack is by doing the fucking work and lifting it. There is no short cut that is worthwhile longterm. Roids give you boobs and shrink ur balls now ur shot on the kids Idea cause u tried to take a shortcut. Same with emotions. using heroin was a big thing for me for awhile i was at a point where I knew it was stopping me from growing emotionally. Because it doesn't allow you to feel anything. you feel numb you don t care. when I took heroin I felt like I really was who I said I was. I overdosed a few months ago and died onheroin. started using again a couple days later. I stopping in November and id be lying if I said it wasnt brutal. so sure I tried to numb the pain with other things. Alcohol is a big one coke, meth, lots and lots of weed, anything that would or could alter my mind besides heroin is what Ive been doing.  Now none of these things are beneficial in the long term except for weed and acid maybe coke if the universe allows it. The opportunity that you desire would not present itself to you without you first creating the desire. I have a desire for drugs. So I have drugs. But Im at the very least smart enough to realize that heroin is if not a complete block of emotions pretty damn fucking close to it. which allows for significantly less emotion growth through the actual feeling of your feelings and emotions. Another big thing that can help is talking about what you discovered about yourself all the bullshit you believed and the statements you have in place to replace them. My previous statement for example Im a fucking loser thats never going to amount to shit. My angelic statement, I've made many mistake and failures in my life at a young age that I wouldn't trade for the world for they have development me into me. You've made it this far havent you?5.) USE YOUR TRINITY TO TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE STARTING BY FINDING WHAT WORKS FOR YOU TO HAVE A CONSTANT REMINDER. Basically this means find a way to take your new angelic statement created from the good inside the bad and either associate that statement to whatever you see best fit. For example. I have an alarm in the morning that reads! Choose to be happy! with some other notes aswell. And I read that I think to myself. Its a choice. I can use my mind to change my reality over time based on how I feel. I DONT HAVE TO BE SAD ANYMORE BECAUSE I HAVE THE DESIRES IN MY LIFE THAT PULL ME TOWARDS THEM THROUGH MY DECISIONS AND ACTIONS CURRENTLY.

[tanya-ali]

Interview: Kate Miller-Heidke

In a way, 2014 has seen Australian singer-songwriter Kate Miller-Heidke come full circle. Her first two EPs, Telegram (2004) and Comikaze (2005) were independent – as most first releases are – but it wasn’t long before she got snapped up by Sony Music, releasing three distinctly different albums on the major label over seven years. Now, she’s an independent artist once more – albeit with a decade of experience under her belt – and her highly anticipated upcoming record O Vertigo! is set to be one of the most impressive releases of the year. It’s a different experience for Kate, and an exciting one at that. As release day creeps up, Kate feels understandably “good”, but at the same time “it feels a little bit like jumping off a cliff”, though she’s found herself “so busy that I haven’t really had a chance to dwell on it too much”.

Sony Music has been replaced as the main supporter of Kate’s work by an army of enthusiastic fans. Kate’s crowd-funding campaign through online platform Pledge Music was an undeniable success, and it’s not hard to see why. Each time I’ve seen her interact with fans after shows, I’ve been floored by her sincerity, and it only takes a quick glance at her Twitter page to see that she often engages with fans over social media. “It’s something that I always make an effort to do… I think it really makes sense. Not just because I’m a ‘niche’ artist, who can’t rely on commercial radio or any of that sort of thing, but also because I like it and I get energy back from it. It’s amazing getting to hear people’s stories about the music: it’s… I hate the word ‘humbling’, but if I used that word then I would use it there!”

The Pledge campaign involved a range of rewards from the usual (CDs, t-shirts, concert tickets) to some that lead to a “really unprecedented level of band interaction”, such as the opportunity for fans to receive a phone call from Kate wishing them happy birthday (“so, so joyful and fun to do”), or even have her play an intimate concert at their house. “I’ve just done two (house concerts), we’ve got another one next week – I think that I put up five in total – and yeah, they’re amazing. Kind of scary in a way, because I think the audience number is capped at 40, and when there’re only 40 people in a room, you’ve got time to see the whites of everyone’s eyes… It can be terrifying! And also, you know, the pressure for the person who bought the gig to like it. But – I don’t know, so far they’ve all been really lovely people.”

Having seen Kate play live a number of times, I don’t think anyone could be disappointed. “Yeah, I hope not. It would be very awkward if they complained,” she jokes, and despite the impossibility of the hypothetical, I can’t help but agree.

Although O Vertigo! is Kate’s first independent full-length album, the recording process for the album surprisingly wasn’t particularly different from her previous experiences. “I think actually, due to the unexpected and overwhelming success of the Pledge campaign, the process for recording this album has been very similar to what it was for any of the other ones. Because it went so well, I basically ended up with the same budget as I ever had on a major label. So that aspect of it was quite familiar, I mean I had the luxury of seven weeks in a studio which I think is a long time for an independent artist, so I didn’t skimp on anything.”

This record is also independent in another sense. Last year, at a People of Letters event during the annual Sydney Writers’ Festival, Kate and her husband and long-time collaborator, Keir Nuttall, presented heartbreakingly honest and moving letters delving into their working and romantic relationship. In Kate’s letter, she spoke about how the early stages of writing for this album saw her begin to move away from co-writing with Keir. By the end of the major tour they did for Nightflight, Kate’s third record, it was clear something had to change. “Keir and I had sent each other, like, insane. We were working too intensely together for too long I think, and both of us knew we needed something different. So I decided to write the bulk of this record entirely by myself. A lot of it out of the house, ‘cause we have this tiny apartment – that was part of the problem, we could always hear each other – so this time I spent a lot of time walking, singing into my iPhone like a crazy person in public.”

On Kate’s previous records, it had been “sort of like a 50-50 split” between her and Keir, and “Keir co-produced everything”. This time, Kate was the co-producer, and while Keir “still wrote some things but it was more like an 80-20 kind of delineation. I mean, he didn’t play guitar on everything either, he played it on a few things.”

This shift has led to Kate feeling differently about the songs on O Vertigo! in a couple of ways. “I had a lot more… obviously I’ve always had ownership of everything I’ve done, but this time there was a bit more creative responsibility I guess – no one else to defer to, or say, ‘What do you think about this?’ In some ways, it’s more like I’m on the line. But in other ways, I don’t know, I feel more confident than I ever have before so I kind of don’t give a shit. I do think it’s some of the best work I’ve ever done, and that’s all I can do, you know?”

There’s no doubt that O Vertigo! is a stunning, accomplished record. One thing that strikes me about it is the diversity of the tracks, something that has been apparent on all of Kate’s previous albums, but is more pronounced this time around. Songs like ‘Drama’, featuring hip-hop extraordinaire Drapht, starkly contrast with serene, aptly-named closer ‘Bliss’. I certainly can’t choose a favourite just yet – can Kate? “Well, I like them all, now… But I think I really like ‘Yours Was The Body’. I really like playing that song live too.” I saw Kate perform ‘Yours Was The Body’ live on the Sydney leg of her Heavenly Sounds tour last year, and it was, for me, the stand-out among the new tracks she played that night. The song is instantly memorable despite being so understated – “it almost feels like it’s already been written before”, simultaneously familiar and unfamiliar.

Another thing that’s noticeable on O Vertigo! is its lack of cryptic lyrics – this is the result of a deliberate effort on Kate’s part to cut down on the metaphors in her writing. This direct approach is interesting, and rare – so often, songwriters strive to do the exact opposite. “I think I was really getting off on some early 90s power ballads, and just the directness – I wanted a direct vulnerability to come through on this record, and I wanted it to be immediate. Nightflight was very thickly veiled in metaphor and it was very subtle, and very complex I think in a lot of ways – songs like ‘Devil Wears a Suit’ and ‘Humiliation’… This time I just, I think there’s a power that comes from being vulnerable, just laying it out on the table, and that idea was floating my boat, so that’s what I did.”

There are definitely early 90s vibes coming through on this record, in the best possible way, and Kate cites artists such as American singer-songwriter Martika as a major influence. “’Love… Thy Will Be Done’ was a song that I would kind of hold up as a template. I was also listening to new versions of that same theme, like the new Tegan and Sara record – well, not that new anymore – Heartthrob a lot. And sort of arty pop like Kishi Bashi, Kathleen Edwards made a beautiful record I listened to lots. I listened to lots of Yma Sumac, who’s a wacko Peruvian opera singer. Just the way she uses her voice is crazy and amazing, distinctive…”

Kate was listening to and drawing inspiration from “a fair bit of opera as well” – but she certainly hasn’t always been able to appreciate the art form. “It’s funny, but I never really learnt to like opera until a couple of years ago. My voice suited it and I thought some aspects of it were beautiful, but it’s only in the last couple of years that I’ve really listened to it for pleasure, at home.” This could have something to do with her role as the British dancing girl in the English National Opera’s production of The Death of Klinghoffer in 2012, a role she’s reprising with the Metropolitan Opera in New York this year. “I think it was a direct result of that. The people that were in that cast kind of pointed me towards some great recordings. I think just being a part of such a world class production was very inspiring.”

It’s common knowledge that Kate studied opera at the Queensland Conservatorium of Music, but her passion for music began a long time before the prospect of pursuing it through tertiary education was even on her radar. “I always loved it, I was obsessed with it. I used to come home from school and put on my mum’s records every day, and talk about music and sing incessantly to the point of driving everyone around me crazy. I don’t know, I just loved the sound of my own voice!” Although it’s hard to imagine Kate’s voice could ever have been less than impressive, she is ever-modest, saying she just sang “so much that eventually I sort of got good at it.”

It wasn’t opera that first grabbed her interest performance-wise – it was musical theatre. “When I was a kid I fantasised about being Cosette in Les Miserables - for about two years I just walked around singing ‘Castle on a Cloud’.” And this dream almost became a reality, as Kate “nearly made it in the auditions too when it came to Brisbane, but I got dumped at the last two: they told me I was over-acting,” she laughs. “So I missed out!”

Needless to say, musical theatre is one of Kate’s all-time influences. “Particularly from the 50s and 60s – things like West Side Story. In fact, all of Stephen Sondheim’s musicals.” Another is Joni Mitchell, who had a major impact on Kate’s songwriting from a young age. “She’d be the other (all-time influence). That’s kind of how I learnt songwriting… or tried to!”

Last year at Sydney Writers’ Festival, I noticed that Kate was set to speak at a number of events – including the aforementioned People of Letters. I caught many of the events she was involved with, and while most of them had a clear focus on songwriting, it was eye-opening seeing her speak about her art and thoughts in a setting other than an interview. While she seemed comfortable having the focus shifted from singing to talking in the discussions I saw her participate in, she doesn’t always enjoy it. “Look, I think it depends. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know why I’m being called upon to speak so much – I don’t feel qualified, you know? And I feel like it’s not my area of expertise. And I’ve certainly fucked it up, like going on (ABC’s) Q&A the second time, you know… I should have just stuck to being a bloody musician!” But events like People of Letters and Women of Letters are exceptions: “those are kindred spirits and the emphasis is still on the art – the art of letter writing. It’s when I’m called upon to speak about subjects that aren’t art, is where it’s dangerous.”

Kate’s mention of that infamous episode of Q&A rekindles the frustration I felt when watching it live. How did it make any sense putting a musician on the panel of a budget special, and expecting them to make a meaningful contribution? In Kate’s blog post about it, wittily titled ‘A Fish Called Qanda: Spewin’, Hey’, she explained the show’s producers had assured her that there would be a question to her about singing, and another about bullying on reality TV shows, and though she “was hoping to talk about marriage equality and refugees, those weren’t on the agenda… Still, I felt fine talking about singing and reality TV bullying”. However, “As anyone who saw it knows, we didn’t move on and the entire show was about Labor and unions and budgets and interest rates”. Personally, I found it so frustrating that a moderated panel show like Q&A allowed the situation to arise in the first place.

When I have heard Kate speak about current affairs in the past, it’s obvious she has so much to say that is valid and so important, but on this episode of Q&A they never gave her a chance, and in the process effectively discouraged other musicians and artists from going on the show or attempting to have a say. “I try not to actually speak about it because it just… like, rips out the stitches,” Kate says, half-jokingly. Though she mentioned she doesn’t feel “qualified” to speak about issues other than music, I see losing intelligent, passionate and articulate voices like hers as a loss for the wider Australian community.

The most recent Australian tour Kate embarked on was last year’s Heavenly Sounds tour, which saw her and Keir play intimate, acoustic shows in churches and cathedrals across the country. “It was lovely, it was fantastic. I’m a fan of that whole umbrella of concerts – and yeah, getting to sing in some of the most beautiful architectural places in Australia was amazing!” The recent tour led to an increased awareness “of how important the physical dimensions of the theatre, or the church or whatever are, how much of an impact that actually has on the experience of the audience. It’s huge, and actually I read about it in David Byrne’s book, ‘How Music Works’. He was saying how absolutely crucial it is – maybe even as important as the music is – just how the room’s laid out, because audience members have all these different senses that can be stimulated in all sorts of different ways.”

Kate’s played at a lot of the venues she’s visiting on her O Vertigo! tour before, such as Brisbane’s The Tivoli, The Athenaeum Theatre in Melbourne and The Quarry in Perth, and they all “have a special sort of ambience” that is bound to positively affect her upcoming shows. These shows will see the live debuts of “a bunch of brand new songs that no-one’s heard yet” and the support slot will be filled by one of Kate’s “favourite Australian bands, Sweet Jean – I would recommend not missing them!”

On the O Vertigo! tour, Kate will be accompanied by Keir and John Rodgers, “this crazy musical genius from Brisbane, he’s a multi-instrumentalist: he plays violin like you’ve never heard before, and also piano and guitar, and a bunch of stuff”. Punters can look forward to hearing “great, delicate arrangements” of songs from the new record, “and possibly a new cover!”. There will also be, of course, some ventures into Kate’s fairly extensive back-catalogue – ultimately, an “emphasis on the new stuff, but really a mixture”.

At one point during our chat, I hear a male voice on the other end of the line. Kate sounds distracted for a moment, and is then quick to apologise that Keir just walked into her room – and it's at that moment I realise that what’s most loveable about Kate is how genuine she is. The added freedom of being independent has given her a level of comfort that’s clearly contributed to her renewed sense of confidence in her work, and it’s as much of an absolute pleasure speaking with her as it is listening to her music or seeing her perform. Kate probably wouldn’t be sold on the idea of taking the world by storm – but armed with a strong sense of identity, an excellent sense of humour, and the stellar body of work that is O Vertigo!, she just might find herself doing it anyway.

Originally published March 13, 2014 for the AU review: http://www.theaureview.com/interviews/kate-miller-heidke-melbourne

[douchebagbrainwaves]

BEAT AMERICA, DESIGN A TOWN THAT COULD EXERT ENOUGH PULL OVER THE RIGHT PEOPLE: YOU CAN USE SOMETHING LIKE CONTINUATION-PASSING STYLE TO GET THE REST OF THE CREATIVE CLASS BECAME MORE MOBILE

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You can do things in your early 20s that you can't easily do in any complex, unfamiliar situation: proceed deliberately, and question anything that seems odd. So if you take money from investors when you're not working on everything else. They're all at the mercy of weather and officials, they're at the forefront of technology. At Viaweb we got our first 10, 000 founders wouldn't be taking jobs from Americans: it could be like saying the goal was readability, not readability. There will continue to work for people with high standards. And since you can delay pushing the button for a while, most people do work that's beneath them. Instead of trying to get you to stick to the old model: mainframe applications are all server-based applications. If someone went to Stanford and is not obviously insane, they're probably better at detecting bullshit than you are. This is one of the most visible to consumers were air travel and long-distance phone service, which both became dramatically cheaper after deregulation. But don't feel like you have to do is make something valuable. The kids see to that.