#if you start a conversation with a stranger o. the bus you are a freak and i will tell stories about the weird person on the bus

[oblivianmoon]

It's funny how the same people who use exaggerated internet speech to try to make fun of you, will also drag me because i use the same exaggeration to express genuine fear and rage about an actual experience I had. To be fair I posted it in the "feminist" tag mostly to fuel fire, but maybe if I write the exact same post with different wording people might understand.

So I ride the bus nearly every day, my job often leaves me to take the bus at 12:30 - 1am. Simply being outside at this time can make a person uneasy. Even just seeing another human being walking across the street makes me nervous, even if I can't really tell what they look like because I never wear my glasses. It is simply common sense to be aware off all other human beings i encounter at this time because it is "The Stabbing Hour" in Winnipeg, homicide capital of Canada.

So, on top of the general sense of uneasy that every night bus ride brings, seeing a group of 3 or more drunk, belligerent to the bus driver, larger than me in height and width, men stumbling onto the bus my brain starts to panic. Especially because on the nealy empty bus they choose to sit directly behind me. They then continue to poke my BARE shoulder, several times as I sit with my headphones in slowly leaning as far forward as I can giving off all the "don't fucking touch me" vibes I can give off subconsciously because I've been here before and asking fuckos like this to leave you alone is the worst choice. So I ignore them until they pull my earphone out at which point I grab my bag and storm to the closest seat to the bus driver. Doing all this to a (mostly muted because im trying to listen to music) chorus of: "wtf chill", "stupid bitch", "come back".

So needless to say I am already freaked out and fucking furious but all i desperately want is to go home and sleep. So my stop comes up and I pull the chord to stop the driver and I hear all the drunk fucks get up and stand creepily behind me. Now of course there is the possibility that these guys do need to get off at this stop, but I doubt it and i cant take that chance so when we get to the stop I apologize to the driver and say im on the next stop, but they dont get off either. So these fucks are actually trying to follow me. It's at this point that i do what i do best and make a fake phone call. "Hey babe! Are you still up? Could you come pick me up at the bus stop? Thanks, love you!" Which is a technique ive used several times and it always works. I get off the bus one stop late and the creeps stay on. Hallelujah​ not assaulted, but I totally could have been and that scares the shit out of me. So you know how I know those fucks hate women? Because their behavior speaks for them. They didn't respect my space, didn't respect boundaries, didn't need to fucking poke me (literally it doesnt matter who you are or for what purpose, dont touch a stranger. even a poke. im serious. I have never had a need to poke somebody on the bus ONCE, yet i have had complete randos poke me to get my attention 3-4 separate time. I dont care if ive dropped something i dont care if my shirt tag is out, i dont care if you need the time LEAVE ME ALONE!)

These men were annoying me to the verge of verbal harassment, they were doing it because they thought it was funny. They were doing it because they want to feel better about themselves and if they behave like this to me it DOES NOT MATTER if they treat their girlfriend right, or take care of their sister. The fundamentally not believe that all women deserve respect, deserve to feel safe, and deserve to make choices about who they want to speak with.

And you know why I "felt the need to make this post"? Because i was genuinely scared, even if i wasnt assaulted or harassed more severely I could have been. So when you see my fury and my exaggeration and you think for once second I was talking about poking somebody to let them know they dropped their headphones then you are mistaken. I was shouting my disgust into the universe with the hope that somehow it would stop creeps from following girls home. If you couldn't read between the lines and see that i'm not talkig about "looking at a woman on the bus" or even "talking to a woman on the bus" then it's my fault for rushing into the post at like 2am post panic attack but hey, if it makes you feel better to pardon my creepers than it is to admit that these behaviours are misogynistic regardless of whether or not you actively hate women individually. Which btw ingrained hatred of women is literally the definition of misogyny.

[what-even-is-thiss]

Fic, Good Night.

If you want to fully understand why I wrote this, read this post. Read the whole thing. Did ya read it? Okay, let’s get into it. I invented some people for the dreams that weren’t mine, because I don’t know anybody else that had a dream about the Sanders Sides last night. Also, I guess I’m a character in this fic? So freaking weird. It’s not an accurate representation of me though, because it’s dream me and nobody acts normally in dreams. Also, Anxiety’s is longer than the others because that’s my dream and my dream was complicated and also I might have gotten a little lazy writing the other dreams. Oh well.

Tip Jar

Warnings: Uh, I dunno. Chasing. Forced change of location. Dreams. Car related stress. 2,250 words.

Abstract: Roman has been hiding a strange ability he has for a while. When the others try to figure out what’s going on, weird things happen.

Roman was considering the device in his hand. He had to admit it was tempting. Very tempting.

Anxiety was grumbling to himself about the most recent video. It had just been posted a few hours before and he hated it every time he rewatched it.

“Stupid cartoon. Gets to meet Butch Hartman and that’s what happens. Well, if that’s what happens when you meet your heroes then...”

He noticed Roman sitting there on the brown sectional as he walked into the mindpalace version of Thomas’ apartment. He had just been considering seeing if Morality had left any of the pizza from last night. None of the others were usually in this area when Thomas was asleep, so what was Prince doing here?

“Hey, shouldn’t you be working, Princey?” Anxiety said.

“What? Uh, no!” Prince said, putting the strange handheld device behind his back.

Anxiety felt concerned. The imagination should be working right now, working through problems via dreams during REM sleep.

“You need to get to work, Roman. What’s that machine? I don’t like those things you make. They’re never good,”

“It is none of your concern!” Roman said, getting up to leave.

Anxiety considered where they were. The mental recreation of Thomas’ apartment. This was where they sorted out their issues and had talks. The others had done it before. He wondered...

“Logan! Patton!” Anxiety said.

Logic and Morality popped up, by the stairs and by the window respectively. Morality with a slice of pizza in his mouth, mid bite, and Logic with a file in his hand, looking like he was just about to put it in a drawer that was no longer in front of him.

“I knew you already ate the pizza,” Anxiety said in an annoyed tone to Patton.

“Why have you called us here in the middle of the night, Anxiety?” Logic asked. “We are performing essential tasks necessary for proper function that can only be done during sleeping hours,”

Anxiety pointed to Prince, who had stopped his attempt to get away when Patton had spotted him. The colorful phone like device was clearly visible in his hand. Logic observed the device with disgust.

“Roman, are you making another attempt at ESP? I have told you before, it is not scientifically possible to read minds or travel through dreams or read auras or whatever other nonsense you are trying to accomplish,” Logan said.

“Now hand it over, buddy,” Morality said. “Logic knows what’s right,”

Morality walked over to Roman and held out his hand in a very parental fashion, expecting him to hand it over. Roman instead held the device closer.

“No! You have no idea what this is capable of!” He said, attempting an escape.

Anxiety didn’t let him. He took hold of Roman by the sash and pulled him back. “Oh, no. Your little ESP projects only ever make me work harder. Give the thing to Patton!”

“No!” Roman cried out as he tried to get his precious outfit out of Anxiety’s grasp without tearing it. “You don’t understand what you’re doing!”

Logic tried to get the device from Prince. “Honestly, as if any of your schemes ever actually...”

Zap! Logan’s hand activated something on the touchscreen and a swirling green cartoonish portal opened up, first sucking in Logan and Roman, since they were the ones with their hands on the device, and then Morality and Anxiety were sucked in as well, despite their best efforts to run.

If Logan remembered correctly, driving an out of control vehicle was one of the most common nightmares that people can have. Thomas had that dream before. He thought he remembered Roman talking about it. However, seeing as he wasn’t in charge of dreams, he didn’t exactly know what to do in this one.

“Um, perhaps you should hit the breaks?” Logic said, not quite certain he knew how he got here.

The frightened young person in the driver’s seat briefly turned to glance back.

“You’re Logic Sanders. From those YouTube videos,” They said nervously

“Yes, and it would appear that your breaks are faulty,” Logan said, wondering why there were no seat belts or panic bars to be found.

“Breaks?” the confused driver asked.

“Yes, the breaks! The device that slows the car or brings it to a stop!” Logic called out.

“I know what breaks do, I think,” the person said as they tried to concentrate on where the break was. “Why are you here?”

The break petal came into focus just long enough for the driver to slam down on it. Logan lurched forward and into the seat in front of him and then disappeared as the person woke up.

Prince thought he had experience with dreams. He had to remind himself it was just Thomas’ dreams he had experience with. He honestly hadn’t actually expected that thing to work. He hadn’t finished it. He had done a lot of thinking to get that device made. For now it could only focus on people that thought about Thomas a lot. He had hoped to maybe surprise some friends if he was lucky. He had somehow forgotten about the fanders.

There were people walking through this square. None of them seemed to be doing much. They were walking straight ahead. Not talking or anything. They were like background characters in a video game.

There was a girl among them. She seemed to be doing something with a purpose, but whatever it was seemed to be unclear. He walked up to her and said “Greetings! Is this your dream?”

Or, at least he tried to. When he said the words he felt the vibrations in his throat and his muscles working, but no sound came out. He looked around. He listened. There was no sound. He suddenly felt himself compelled to tap on her shoulder. It would appear that even though he had an effect on the dream, it also had an effect on him.

The young woman turned around, her hair flicking out behind her almost in slow motion. When she saw him her face was full of confusion, and then wonder.

She started signing frantically. He only understood bits and pieces of what she said, but he did catch his name. She spelled out R O M A N more than once.

He tried answering, but only ended up saying nonsense. He didn’t know much American sign language beyond basic signs and finger-spelling, so the entire conversation was confusing for both parties. They attempted to communicate for what seemed like an hour in dream time, but could have very well only been a couple of seconds, and then the girl abruptly turned around and left.

Roman shook his head as he faded out of the dream. Some things were just random and made no sense. It would appear he had landed in the middle of one of those things.

Morality wasn’t quite sure where he was, but it seemed pleasant enough. There was grass everywhere and the sun was bright. There also seemed to be white bunnies hopping around.

Suddenly, what appeared to be a little boy started running by. Patton didn’t quite know why, but he found himself compelled to pick him up and say “Hey there! Why are you running?”

“Thomas!?” asked the little boy. “My mom watches videos with you in it. You should run. There’s a big egg about to crush you!”

Patton looked and there was indeed a colorfully decorated egg rolling towards them that was as long as a school bus.

Patton wasn’t experienced in stopping nightmares, but he did know a thing or two about kids. He just affectionately said, “What? No it’s not ya goofball,”

And then they looked over and there wasn’t an egg there.

The little boy jumped for joy. Morality went to go play with him. The kid constantly forgot what they were doing and switched from one thing to the next, and even rediscovered that he was there a couple of times, but it was a dream. Dreams don’t always make sense, and that’s okay.

He faded out right in the middle of a hug. The boy had said he heard his mom calling him. Patton guessed that meant it was time to get up.

Anxiety could see his breath clouding up in front of him. He wondered if whoever this was had forgotten to turn the fan off before they had gotten to bed.

He stayed next to a tree in the parking lot. Maybe he could just wait this out.

A guy standing a few feet from him noticed who he was. The stranger started walking towards him. Anxiety didn’t know who this was. This wasn’t his mind and he was not in the mood to meet new people. He started running. The person started running after him.

Anxiety ran into the Home Depot to hopefully lose him. No. Every turn in the aisles he made he was found. The kid knew this store too well he needed to get outside.

Anxiety ran out the store and past the next shopping center which turned into an old town. A fog was beginning to gather. Anxiety skidded to a stop and jumped into an alleyway. The stranger in the pleather jacket found him there. This was a clear dream. Too clear. It made too much sense.

Anxiety kept trying to weave between buildings, but it was no use. They were still in sight. He saw a high school up ahead. He ran for it. He found himself in a huge cafetorium with a huge black stage at one end and lunch tables set up where the audience would go.

He jumped on the stage. Was the backstage complicated enough to lose them in? No, but there were stairs. He ran up those.

The stairs seemed to go on for even longer than should be possible. This was the most unrealistic part of the dream. These stairs. They went up and down and skipped and there were theater students sitting and doing homework on them, clearly unconcerned that two adults that were too old to be there were running through the place.

He got to the top of the stairs and saw the only way out was a comically long drop down to backstage. He saw the blonde pursuer pushing some high school students away. Anxiety decided to take the jump.

He began to climb the railing to jump off, when he found himself caught by the waist. The man had grabbed Anxiety by the waist and was pulling him away from the railing. Anxiety tried to struggle, but then they started moving their fingers along Anxiety’s side.

God, Anxiety wished that Thomas wasn’t ticklish.

Anxiety wiped the smile off his face and sat down on the ground defeated.

“Okay, what do you want? Thomas’ address? My name? Everybody wants that,” He said, folding his arms.

He felt a weight fall on his shoulders and looked up to see that the brown pleather jacket the person was wearing had been placed on his shoulders. The stranger sat next to him and put his arm around Anxiety’s waist.

“That’s actually not what I wanted to talk to you about. I don’t know if anyone has told you this, but you don’t have to give your name if you don’t want to. You can wait until you’re ready. There’s no pressure,”

Anxiety felt tears swell up in his eyes but they actually never fell. “Is this what social anxiety feels like when you’re not the one inflicting it? Because if so, it sucks,” he said, trying to keep his delivery as dry as possible.

The dreamer gave a nervous little smile and said “if it makes you feel any better, I’m feeling pretty anxious too,”

He sat and talked with the fander, who for some reason seemed to have a store’s worth of saltwater taffy in his pockets. This was a dream though, so he didn’t question it much. At some point the dream compelled him to sit on the edge of the person’s lap and it was clear it made them both uncomfortable, but the dream willed it to happen, so it happened.

After what could have been a few minutes, but it was a dream so who could tell, Anxiety told the random person whose dream he had stumbled into goodbye and jumped off the railing.

He faded into darkness on the way down.

Anxiety was the last one to get back. He walked in to see Logic breaking the ESP device with his bare hands.

“We keep telling you. Stop making these things,” Logan said harshly.

“But you have to admit it worked,” Prince said, trying to find some small comfort now tthat his work had been trashed.

“I will do no such thing,” Logan said, taking the pieces away to dispose of them.

“Anxiety, you saw that it worked. You were taken to someone else’s dream,” Prince said.

Anxiety thought about the city he had just run through. and the taste of watermelon taffy that was still lingering on his tongue.

“Nope. Don’t know what you’re talking about Princey,” Anxiety said before leaving.

“Patton, surely you remember,” Prince insisted.

Morality’s mouth was full of cold pizza from the fridge. He thought briefly about the giant egg, but then put it out of his mind and happily shook his head.

Roman sighed and lay back on the couch. They never let him break the laws of nature. How disappointing.

[intronte-blog]

OOC: new plots

Plots. Lots and lots of plots. I finally finished compiling them! Credits to friends, and here, here, here, here, and here. IM me if one catches your attention, or I'll message you instead if you like the post! ( ᐛ )و

APARTMENT / NEIGHBOR PLOTS

I decided to jump the apartment’s pool gate at 2AM for some solo night swimming and... Who are you? Do you even live here? Yeah I know I’m breaking apt rules but that’s not the point and so are you!

MUSE A’s apt was broken into and ransacked. Feeling unsafe, MUSE A asks MUSE B to let them stay at their place until the police have apprehended the criminal. This can be a pre-est relationship, or they're only casual acquaintances but MUSE A has no where else to go.

LOL you act like such a tough guy but this apartment has thin walls so guess what? i can actually hear you when you watch horror movies and shriek so why do you watch them if u’re scared also do you want me to watch them with you bc i’m never scared

Apart from a few casual conversations on the walk up to their floor or brief meetings at the mailbox, Muse A and Muse B haven’t gotten the chance to get to know each other. When the power goes out throughout the building, on a particularly warm night, Muse A quickly sets out some candles to light their home, but they realize that they don’t have any matches to light them (and their stove only works on electrical power). Knowing MUSE B is the closest neighbor, Muse A heads over to their apartment and asks for assistance.

I came to complain about something (pet, noise, a mess in the laundry room, etc) but holy shit it smells good in your apartment what are you cooking and can I have some

you used to live in ur apartment with your s/o until you broke up and they left and now you’re crying on the floor not because they left but because you can’t sleep alone, so um im here???

GENERAL 1ST MEETING / FOR STRANGERS PLOTS

MUSE A scoots over to make room for MUSE B since the rest of the seats on the bus are taken. A minute or two after MUSE B sits down, they fall asleep and lean into MUSE A’s shoulder. MUSE A tries to be polite and ignore the stranger sleeping on them, but then MUSE B starts to drool on their jacket.

I ran into you and your ex yelling at each other so you grabbed me and kissed me so they’d go away and I’m kind of freaked out I literally just met you??

MUSE A is trying to enjoy a night out with friends when they are approached by an obnoxious person who won’t take ‘no’ for an answer. MUSE B notices what’s going on and heads over to help MUSE A out. At their wits end, MUSE A turns to throw their drink in the creep’s face, but they end up splashing MUSE B instead.

It’s nearly closing time and MUSE A is hammered. Playing the part of good Samaritan, MUSE A attempts to get MUSE A into a cab home but they can’t coherently give their address, so MUSE B takes MUSE A home with them instead until MUSE A can sober up some.

This queue is so long I can’t wait to go home, wait I just realized our baskets of groceries are basically the same’

My favourite song came on the radio in this supermarket so I started quietly singing along only to find I’m not the only one doing so’

‘This shop has an offer on Oreos and I look like an idiot stuffing so many packets into my basket will you please stand near me so I don’t look like I’m alone?’

THEMED / MORE SPECIFIC 1ST MEET PLOTS

“i got a gig at a wedding (photographer, server, florist, etc) and i was sneaking some food bc i’m rly hungry but then you started chatting me up and you’re really cute how do you know the–wait a second yOU’RE NOT EVEN INVITED YOU’RE JUST A WEDDING CRASHER??? fuck aren’t i supposed to kick u out?”

MUSE A is on the run from something or caught up in something important and MUSE B is a bystander they ran into

MUSE A owns a cat allowed free. They don’t give much thought to the fact their cat is only around half of the time. Then the cat disappears and MUSE A, worried, creates missing posters. MUSE B answers the call for help stating that the cat on the poster looks very much like their own cat. MUSE A and MUSE B meet and realize that they have been sharing the same cat for a long time now and are forced to consider what they should do regarding ownership.

after a one night stand, the next morning isn’t pretty. MUSE A and MUSE B turn out to hate each other on the way out the door, but just as MUSE B attempts to leave in a huff, a blizzard has trapped them inside. no power, little food, and no way home, both muses are stuck with each other for another night. ** This would obviously be a “past” thread since it’s spring now.

MUSE A is sipping tea by the window, watching the rain come down from the comfort of their warm, dry home. They peers out toward the quiet street just as MUSE B rides his/her bike by and runs into a huge pothole. It’s a funny sight to behold, the poor soul drenched in muddy water, but ultimately MUSE A feels badly for the soaked stranger and decides to intervene. MUSE A pulls on a jacket and hurries outside to offer help.

PRE-ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIPS

MUSE A is psyched to show MUSE B the cool magic trick they just learned, despite MUSE B’s insistence that they have somewhere to be. MUSE A promises it’ll only take a minute. They handcuff themselves to MUSE B and tap the cuffs and say the magic words, but the cuffs stay cuffed. MUSE A has to tag along on MUSE B’s blind date.    **This is a purely comedic plot, not a shippy one.

MUSE A and MUSE B have been close friends for years. But fame and fortune breaks everything eventually. MUSE A became busy in the entertainment world spotlight. Originally, they were able to do a few things then meet back with MUSE B… but eventually it got too much. MUSE B feels abandoned by MUSE A because of how far away they’ve drifted. The fame and fortune got between their friendship and has broken them apart.

MUSE A and MUSE B meet at a wedding between friends. The wedding is long and boring and they respectively sneak off to drink/relax/ect in a secluded area (garden, coat room, ect) yet somehow bump into the other. The conversation is light at first but takes a turn when they start talking about the bride/groom. Pieces are put together from what each of them knows and they figure out the bride/groom is having an affair. What now? 

MORE DETAILED / COMPLEX PLOTS

Eager to get away from the hustle and bustle of city life for the weekend, MUSE A retreats to the great outdoors for a little camping. Determined to spend the entire trip “off the grid”, MUSE A shuts off their cell phone before setting off to find the best spot to pitch their tent. As the sun starts to set and the temperature in the woods begins to drop, MUSE A is struck with the realization that they’ve left something important in the trunk of their vehicle [blankets, matches, cooking supplies, etc.]. MUSE A tries to hurry back to the car while there’s still some daylight, but it’s not as close to the camp site as they thought and it isn’t long before they get lost. Breaking their own no-tech rule when they start to panic, MUSE A is only able to get GPS signal on their cell phone for a few minutes before the battery dies. Luckily, MUSE B is camping just a few yards away from where MUSE A winds up. It’s MUSE B’s first time camping and they can’t help but be startled by every snap of twig or rustle of leaves they hear around them. When they hear MUSE A nearing their camp site, they’re relieved to have some company.

On their way to lunch, MUSE A makes a quick stop at the bank to withdraw some cash. MUSE A figures that they’ll use the ATM to get in and out with minimal fuss but both machines are out of order, so they must get in line to see a teller. MUSE B is line ahead of MUSE A. Caught up in their own thoughts, they don’t notice each other, nor the suspicious activity of the person ahead of them who’s just stepped up to the teller window and demanded a large sum of cash. When the teller instinctively reaches for the alarm button behind the counter, the robber draws a weapon and threatens to use it if the police come. MUSE A and MUSE B, along with everyone else but the teller is commanded to get down on the ground unless they want to be harmed. Realizing they’ve walked in on a bank robbery, MUSE A’s fear overtakes them and they start to freak out. MUSE B notices MUSE A on the floor nearby and it tugs at their heart strings. Despite the danger, MUSE B crawls over to MUSE A and takes their hand. MUSE B puts on a brave face and tells MUSE A whatever they can to reassure them. After a few tense minutes, that feel like hours, the robber grabs as much cash as they can and flees the bank without hurting anyone. The police are called as soon as the robber’s gone and little by little (after being questioned) people are allowed to trickle out of the bank. Once they’re free to go, MUSE A finds MUSE B and thanks them for being so comforting. MUSE B offers to make sure that MUSE A gets home okay and MUSE A accepts. Sitting on the front porch of MUSE A’s home, still shaken up, the pair share a long talk about what happened and how lucky they are to be alive. MUSE B promises to check in on MUSE A every once in a while, if they want, to which MUSE A agrees.

[poetobservationz]

o brave new world

Trigger warning: This story involved sexual assault.

Hello dear friends and family-

You may or may not know that I have been absent for a moment, on this blog. The truth is, I have been trying to figure out exactly how to explain a startling incident that occurred just over two weeks ago to me.

Something I have always been very good at is seeing the best in a situation. Studying here in Prague has almost exclusively been positive, but there have been moments of strife: the ticket on the tram that was $40, and a trip to Poland being cancelled last minute, for example. Even within these moments of disappointment, there was a resounding vibration of “It will be over soon; enjoy every second”.  This subtle song has maintained, of course, yet there are moments in every life where their best use is to remind you that the world is a bit meaner, a bit more difficult, and less safe than you previously believed.  I suppose this is all part of my journey.

The story I am about to write, has been on my mind since it occurred. I was unsure if I should share it, but I decided it is important to show both sides of this magical, teaching experience abroad.

My first trip out of Prague since I got here was to Barcelona with my two best friends, Jackie and Althea. We were thrilled and allowed our “american smiles” out the entire bus ride on our way to the airport.

Jackie’s brother Joe and his boyfriend Andrew were there after a trip to Portugal, and even though we only got to spend the day with them when we arrived, meeting them was the perfect start to our trip. Our hostel, Centre Rambles, was in the Gothic Quarter and the area was beautiful. Andrew and Joe provided us with laughter, lunch, and exquisite company. Andrew and I got gelato which I nearly inhaled. The joy of the moment was entirely surreal. I was so happy. Barcelona was beautiful and not even our tiredness or blistered feet could stop us. When the sun started to head down, we walked back to our hostel and showed it to Andrew and Joe, before we said goodbye. They voiced weariness. The pictures were nothing like what the offered online. It was cheap, and that was all that mattered to us. I was not worried, nor did their carefully worded caution intimidate me; especially because it freaked Jackie and Althea out. Joe and Andrew were not trying to scare us, they just wanted us to be safe, of course, but their words put Althea and Jackie on edge. Suddenly, we all became aware of the decrepit surroundings. After saying goodbye to Joe and Andrew, we collapsed on our bunks. We decided we would look into other options, maybe, but first had to rest for a bit. Our day of sunshine, laughter, and walking had made us weary.

It was during this rest that one of our dorm roommates walked in. He was quiet so I said hello and I came to find out (in my broken french), that he was from Algeria. He seemed nice enough, and I was surprised to hear the slight resistance from Jackie and Althea. I actually was getting annoyed; their pessimism and realism bothered my unbending optimism and trust that all people are good. After we turned in for the night, I made it a point to chat with this guy from Algeria, in order to make my friends more comfortable. I thought that if they felt like we knew him, they’d feel safer. Perhaps, I even considered, if something bad were to happen, he might protect us. There were of course, other strangers in the room, but none who had been home yet. I tried to ask him why he was in Barcelona, and we did our best to communicate through the barriers. He showed me pictures of Algeria, his home, his favorite ocean. During our conversation, I was thinking about how you never know someone till you try. It all felt very human and good.

I could tell Jackie and Althea felt a bit better, but both were shy to converse with him. When I finally was ready to sleep, I closed my eyes, and felt him tap on my bed. I opened them to see him flashing his phone screen with more pictures of Algeria. I told him, “Sorry, no,” shaking my head “Dormir”, which is the verb to sleep in french. “Bon nuit!” I said, hoping he knew that I meant good night.  He tried waking me up again about 30 seconds later. I repeated myself, and he left me alone. But it left a bad taste in my mouth.

At around 3 am, I woke up to him over me in bed. He was touching himself and breathing loudly, one hand on my body.

I gasped, and pulled my sheets tighter. My eyes squeezed shut, like a child who thinks they see a monster in their room under dark cover of night. I realized that this was, indeed, real life, and then couldn’t move. My body went into shock. My thinking became transcendent and I broke from reality for a moment. I wanted my mom.

After about ten or so minutes of this feeling, I was back in reality, and nothing about what I had woken up to had changed. He was still there. I was still completely stuck and afraid. I wish my reaction had been to fight, or scream, but it wasn’t. My reaction was to become immobilized and just let it happen. I was angry at him for waking me up to this, and angry at myself for not screaming. Or doing anything. I tried to fight my pause. I counted twenty minutes go by, trying to breath, wanting to move and open my eyes and kick and scream but unable to do so. So I counted. I felt my will come back, and protested with what I could manage: leg movements and opening my eyes.

He did not stop his action, but moved off of me and onto the floor where he continued to touch himself.

I curled into a ball and held myself trying to stay quiet, afraid that he may do something worse if I didn’t. I wondered if maybe my mechanism to not fight had saved me in some way, and was worried that maybe he would act if I was crying too loudly. The places my mind went were so bizarre. I know that. I was in survival mode. After about ten minutes of crying, I came to my senses. I tried to wake Althea and Jackie up by calling them. At this point the guy had moved back into bed and was pretending to be asleep. Their phones vibrated on their beds noisily, yet it took a couple tries to wake just Jackie up. I think they thought it was their alarms, and for a moment I smiled as I heard them roll over ignoring it. Finally, Jackie was awake, jumping out of bed at the sight of my message and coming over to me to hug me.  She woke Althea up, and they gathered all of our stuff to go.

A note about those two girls: Althea and Jackie did exactly what I needed them too in the moment. They made me feel so safe in that moment, and for the rest of the weekend, and still do, too. Both were ablaze with anger, shock, confusion and their own fear and pain from the incident. Althea, a women, gender and sexuality studies major, (and international relations) and Jackie, a psychology major had both done their fair share of work on these kinds of subjects, and of course, as women, had their own experiences. Their worst fear had been made real. And they were brave, strong, beautifully fearless women in that moment. They took very good care of me.

We fled in the night and walked around for 2 hours looking for somewhere else to sleep. Even though I had just seen a darker side of humanity, I was presented with other opportunities to restore my love of people. While walking around, we stopped in a classy looking Hostel, where a kind man invited us to sit and use the wifi to look for a place to stay, because he had nothing available. He had no idea what we had just gone through but his civilized humanity made me cry. I was so much in awe of the highs and lows of the day I had just begun. The hostel would not give us our money back. Althea and Jackie talked to the woman at the front desk, I stayed back from fear. This is the account Jackie shared with the Hostel association, from their encounter:

“We came back to the hostel around 7 or 8am and a staff member was at the front desk, ready for our arrival. We explained what had happened and asked for our money back. She immediately started to respond to us in a rude and condescending manner. She said, “Is it my fault that this man was jerking off in the room?” Then she says, “This isn’t the United States.” After a while of going back and forth with her, we asked for the managers number. She gave us an email that she claimed was the manager’s email, groups@centerrambles, this email does not exist…”

We tried to contact the police and were unable to find an english speaker, then tried calling the embassy who referred us to the police.So we found no resolution. Yet.But we are working on it.We ended up staying at an AirBnB, and had a lovely host who was a professor at a local university. He had other students staying with him in his other spare room. They were from Mexico. I ended up staying up until 1:30 am talking with one girl about Mexico and America. She told me as a Mexican she did not understand the hatred America has for her people. She told me she loved America. She had studied there in high school. She was eloquent and beautiful and sincere. And I was amazed having this dialogue; I felt the conversation had a message that was thematic of the weekend: talk to people and try to understand them, that is the best and the least you can do. They may show you their truth, or maybe take advantage of you. But if I had been filled with the pessimism and fear that I could have, I would have never had this eye opening conversation. I have resolved to continue this unique characteristic I have been blessed with: love and curiosity towards all people. If it’s naive, call me naive. I think it saves me from ignorance.I want to make something clear: I was impacted, deeply by this incident. I was psychologically impacted, at least, I think I was. I have had trouble sleeping since, for example. But I am ok. I am ok because I have good friends who took care of me. I am ok because I met more and more people who inspired love and light in me in Barcelona, and continue to encounter them in Prague. I am ok because I have a mother who cares deeply for me and checks in on me daily. I am ok because I have resources in Prague. I am ok because I have friends I can talk to at any hour of the day. I am ok.Sometimes, what happened to me happens to someone who is alone, who is powerless, who has no resources. And that, to me, is the most devastating thought.  I am privileged. Which is another reason I am telling this story publically. Because, I can.Anyway, the rest of Barcelona a was truly so beautiful. Gaudi inspired me artistically, and charmed my senses. More than anything, I learned how true my friends are. They were very patient with me. They have been spearheading the justice we are trying to receive. They are good. Props to their parents :).I was certainly put into a weird mood from the incident on the first night, but I also realized again, and again how truly happy I was.Since, I have been enjoying Prague turn into Spring before my eyes. The trees are green and FLOWERS are EVERYWHERE. Oh my goodness, do I love it. The streets are more crowded and this past weekend actually, it was 70 degrees.Thank you for reading. I will update on the incident and its hopeful resolution.As always, a poem. This one highlighting the feeling I have feuling me lately. I really feel like this message, is one that resonates with who I am at my core.THE INVITATION

ORIAH MOUNTAIN DREAMER

“It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, ‘Yes.’

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.”

So here I am, learning so much about who I am, and who the world is.

Much love,

Maisie