#ignore me i am having spn fandom flashbacks

[tuckerfuckingdidit]

googled a sherlock acronym i’d never seen before, and omg

Jo///hn//lo//ck is endgame. The writers have always intended John and Sherlock to end up in a romantic relationship. They are planting subtextual clues for viewers to find and piece together the puzzle of the century while systematically lying when asked about it. They are not, in fact, queerbaiting their audience. 

i’m nor sure if it is a goal or a nightmare to ever have this much faith

EDIT 17-01-2017: Well. That happened. I am hugely disappointed in series 4, and not only because T//J//L//C turned out to be wrong and we were actually queerbaited,

but i know it’s gotta hurt

edit: in the wake of shit like what went down on hannibal, i can see how people’s hopes might have been up, but just. omg.

[makeyourdeanabi]

Finale Reaction- 2 months later

In the wee hours after the Supernatural Finale, after tossing and turning in my bed, I got up and wrote this... this was before I was actually active on Tumblr and I never thought I would share this because I was too self conscious.  I deleted it shortly after I wrote it because it brought me so much pain to relive it.  I have since watched the Finale again and have come to terms with it and I felt it was a good time to share my thoughts. I hope that my words may bring other people comfort who feel the same way.  Thanks for reading :)

Alisha

P.S. Sorry so long, I was feeling things and the words just kept coming and coming  ___________________________________________

I don’t blog.  Never in my life have I sat down to tell the world about my feelings in such a manner.  I may contribute on message boards and social media comments, but I never thought anything was worth my time to spill my guts into the ether when I am near certain that not a soul will read them.  But here I am.  I have to write because if I don’t get these thoughts out of my head, I am going to go full on insane.

That ending was bad. It was a disservice to the 15 years of an incredible show that was not only genre bending it was cultural norms bending.

I could mention the various tropes that this ending (and the previous episodes) invoked, but I am not well versed in them and would never want to do anyone a disservice with a comparison that wasn’t apt.

The buildup up of each character arc and then the glaring lack of conclusion for said character arc was laughable.

To say I am disappointed is an understatement.

To say I am heartbroken is an understatement.

I am destroyed.  

I am destroyed that the two men who have been with this franchise since day 1 wrote and directed an episode that they thought was the perfect ending. They thought this is what their devoted fandom wanted.  

I am destroyed that the lead actors signed off on this script and went so far as to call it their favorite.  I realize Jared was the only one calling it his favorite episode. Jensen admitted he had reservations about the episode and needed the wise words of creator Erik Kripke to accept it. I do have to say that taking the word of a man who left the show 10 seasons ago and hasn’t been involved in all the plot lines and inner workings since season 5 is probably not the best idea. I could be mistaken about the extent of Kripke’s involvement, but I am fairly certain that I am right in my assumptions.  

Dean spent 15 years (probably more) of his life feeling unloved, unworthy, self-conscious and convinced that his life had but one purpose and that purpose would ultimately be the death of him, and he had made peace with that.

He is given a best friend, potential love interest, who helps him to see that he is more than that, so much more than that.  He is selfless, he is caring, he is a lover, not a killer. His friend’s soulmate’s sacrifice is the catalyst for him believing that all these things are true. He even takes the step of admitting out loud that he knows he has changed.  He knows that his life is worth living to the fullest and appreciating what he has every day and honoring those they have “lost along the way.”  

To then kill him during a routine hunting trip in which the boys are up against a vampire nest they could take down in their sleep.  What could possibly have been the purpose for that?  To show that once they were no longer God’s little play toys their lives were expendable?  WHY?

Dean, arguably the greatest hunter in the SPN universe, was taken out by a fucking rusty piece of rebar, and instead of trying to call for help and get the man to a hospital (not sure it would have helped) he has his final monologue, the one he has been due for the latter half all of Season 15.  He died scared, in pain, and sad.

Dean goes to heaven, and its not the heaven we have been told of in the past where you are living in your memories.  Its truly life after death and its wonderful. He meets Bobby again and told that various people in Dean’s and Bobby’s life are close by.  His parents live down the road.  His father, who was never confirmed to be but was most likely an abusive bastard, lives just down the road with his mother.  Wonderful. (WTF?) He gets confirmation that Cas is out of the empty and he smiles, nothing more.  He sees baby and goes for a drive, not to find Cas and thank him for his ultimate sacrifice, but to just drive.  I like this part because we see a happy, content Dean, and we finally get to hear Kansas’s “Carry on Wayward Son” (DONT GET ME STARTED ON THE LACK OF THE ROAD SO FAR AT THE BEGINNING OF THE EPISODE). I just wish Dean’s path to heaven had been a little easier on him.

Dean deserved better.

Castiel, the selfless angel who just wanted to find purpose in his life and ultimately found it in death. He dies never being told that he is loved, after countless times of professing his love to his found family. The angel who sacrificed himself to the Empty, a horrible place of unspeakable torture, to protect the man he loves.  A man who, mere days later (in my mind anyway), arrives in heaven after being killed in a gruesome accident, rather than fulfilling his destiny that Cas fought so hard to protect.  Some sacrifice. It turns out that Cas is saved by the Empty from Jack, but we don’t get to see his joyful reunion with Dean, the man he loves.  

Cas deserved better.

Sam is left to live this life without his brother, and potentially the love of his life because the writers couldn’t be bothered to confirm Eileen’s re-existence after Chuck’s rapture.  He has a family, and he grows old (mind you with REALLY bad makeup in a show that is known for their incredible makeup/special effects departments).

He seems to be happy, but you can tell something is missing.  We come to see that he raised his son to be a hunter.  He raised his son in a life that, at the outset of this show, he was desperate to get out of and live a normal life.  Perhaps he no longer believes that anyone can live a normal life knowing what is out there. *EDIT* Looking back I don’t believe he raised his son to be a hunter, just gave him the tattoo in case.

He names his son Dean, because of course he does. He has a wife who we see from a distance and is never given the clarity if it is Eileen or not.  He finally dies after what looks like a slow and painful illness and is sent to heaven.

In heaven he meets up with Dean.  This was lovely.  The two of them meeting again after so long, for Sam, that is. Dean only had to seemingly wait for a few hours.

Sam deserved better.

For a show that had the potential to go out on a historically significant high, this is disappointing, to say the least.  The story had the potential to end with 2 brothers who have sacrificed so much and saved so many people, find a happy ending.  Not only that but find a happy ending with a deaf partner and a gay angel. If that isn’t breaking barriers and bending norms, I don’t know what is.  I really would like to know what prevented this from happening.  Be it the CW from restricting them or maybe the absolute lack of originality from the writers, I am curious as to their reasoning. Maybe it was COVID.  Maybe because they couldn’t have those two actors physically on set due to protocols, they didn’t want to shortchange them by having them appear otherwise: disembodied voice, phone call (DONT TOUCH ME) or even a flashback… hell STOCK FOOTAGE! I don’t know and I clearly can’t imagine the reason.

I realize that there is nothing that can be done about this episode now and that accepting it and moving on is really the only way forward.  But the legacy this show has left, and its lasting impact on me and my life, cannot be ignored.  I was looking forward to indulging in past episodes of this show for the rest of my life. It is going to be a long time before I can watch an episode without anger and resentment towards what I know to be their eventual end.  That, to me, is unforgiveable.  

I don’t expect anyone to actually read this because I do not have any followers. I have never blogged in my entire life and was only recently introduced to the online fandom, but I needed to write this.  I needed to share the impact that this episode had on me.  I do hope that it does reach those in the fandom that may have similar feelings and are able to use my words to help express how they are feeling.  We can move on, and we will move on, but we need to do it together.

I know that there are people who, if they read this, would shake their head in disbelief that I became so emotionally invested in this show that watching a bad ending would take such a toll on my mental health.  

To them I say, imagine this… The Pittsburgh Steelers (my favorite team, they can imagine their own) have an incredible season.  A season where they saw a myriad of highs and lows. Veteran players making incredible comebacks, rookie players coming in to their own.  Season ending injuries that lead to the next man stepping up and contributing in ways they weren’t sure possible.  Now imagine they make it to the Superbowl and after 3 tough quarters, in which they played their best, getting better with each quarter, they lose it in the final minutes.  All that blood, sweat, and tears for nothing.  Now imagine that was their last season and the Pittsburgh Steelers are no longer an NFL team.  They are done.  No “we’ll get ‘em next season.”  No “it’s just a game and there is always another one”.  Just done.  Their entire franchise, for a brief moment in time, reduced to those final minutes where they failed to win.  Devastating. Of course, in the long run that is not what they will be remembered for.  I mean, after all, they have won 6 Lombardi trophies, and no one is taking that away from them.  But the sting will remain for a while. *EDIT* This was as close to prophecy as I will ever get, the Steelers did all of the above until the playoffs, but THANK GOD, there will be another season.

If I can’t make you understand with a sports metaphor than I will never make you understand.  

I love this show and this loss is devastating.  I do hope that it is remembered for more than their last-minute loss.  I hope it is remembered for the joy and acceptance that their fandom felt with each episode, for the laugher on set and the gag reels. I hope it is remembered for the individual players who gave it their all. I know it will be, but for me personally, this sting is going to last for a while.  

[itsclydebitches]

Do you think part of your issues with supernatural is it's a CW show that usually targets teenagers. Usually teenage girls as well. Naturally growing up out of shows like that? Plus a lot of pandering to that hardcore fanbase with in universe jokes and all that.

I think that’s a possibility for why I’m no longer obsessed with Supernatural like I once was - people do grow out of stories, tastes change, etc. - but it doesn’t cover all the things I’ve come to dislike about the show. I generally try to acknowledge the target audience of any story (e.g. “Oh yeah, it actually works that this topic was discussed in a simple, straight-forward manner because this is aimed at kids. No reason for me to take issue with that”) so a good story aimed primarily at teenage girls that I am now watching as an adult woman should produce feelings of nostalgia... and early SPN still does that for me. The later seasons though? Not so much. 

In SPN’s defense, I don’t think it benefited from its own, extreme popularity. Meaning, SuperWhoLock was THE thing on tumblr for years (sorry for the flashbacks lol) and SPN as an individual show got a ton of attention for their place in the triumvirate, the queer baiting, another woman killed off, Misha’s antics (Mishapocalypse too...), it was one of the stories that helped make fanfiction more of a household name (always controversial), including things like incestuous ships (Dean/Sam), there was cyberbullying, death threats, SPN dominated the meme landscape... and all of this went on - in various intensities - for over a decade. When I’m thinking about a show that much AND the show is really well known by the general public AND it’s all over fandom communities, inevitably all its flaws are highlighted in neon lights. It’s inescapable. It arguably would have suffered even if it hadn’t had all these problems going on. When people hear about the same show that much they get sick of it. Either you, the fan, get sick of it yourself or at the very least you have to start navigating all the people who hate your fandom so much that they’re going to constantly announce that to the world that it’s awful and shame you for still liking something that was “cancelled” and “over” five years ago. Being in the SPN fandom as long as I was is just emotionally exhausting... and I think that reflected back on the show. I enjoy other CW shows like The Flash and I know they have their own laundry list of problems, but I’m not immersed in them like I was SPN. The Western world isn’t immersed in them like it was SPN. So those problems are much easier to shrug off or outright ignore. If SPN were the same, incredibly messy show but not nearly as popular? If I had watched it outside of that fandom context? I might have maintained a bit more of my initial interest. Just because all those flaws wouldn’t have been magnified as they were and amplified by one of the most passionate but also toxic fandoms I’ve ever been in. (Example: my previous post attracted two individuals, both of whom I have now blocked, being Very Mad that a stranger explained why they’re not that into the show anymore. All fandoms deal with this sort of stuff, but SPN deals with it more than is average). Basically, if you didn’t live through the height of SPN know that it was A TIME I can never accurately put into words. 

I love shows that are no longer “meant” for me. A part of me still loves - and will always love - SPN. But it was a particularly intense storm of Numerous Problems In The Canon + Incredibly Intense Fanbase that eventually made me go, “Alright, I’ll finish this at some point and maybe enjoy the occasional fanfic, but otherwise I’m done with this show.” 

[metalbvcky]

omg was it the last one??? D: 11, 20, 50!! <3

Oh, spn? Nah, tonight is the episode before the last. (one hour to go, I’m not ready) But Jensen has said it feels like the season final while the last feels like the series final. NOT.PREPARED.AT.ALL. 

11: What’s a stucky fic idea you’ve thought about writing, but haven’t yet?

OMG I’m so glad you asked this one! So I have three longfic ideas, two of which are 100% happening. (first time meeting bakery!au and an established relationship kid!fic) But the one I’ve thought about for quite some time, is a National Treasure (the nicolas cage movie) AU. I just cannot get the thought of Steve stealing the declaration of independence out of my head, and saying it. Bucky would take the ‘role’ of Abigale (the love interest in the movie) and they’d go on an adventure similar to the movie, while also slowly falling in love. The antagonist would work out perfectly too, that being Piece and Rumlow. 

But what’s stopping me is those other two fics and the fact that I’d need to do a lot of research throughout the movie lol. I’ve loved the movie for so long (since 4th grade) but I’d want to incorporate original scenes between inspired scene from the movie. Ahhh one day! 

20: How did you discover stucky?

I don’t know how many of you know, but I used to be a filthy casual (gaming/warcraft reference) when it came to Marvel. Like two months before this whole pandemic went down, I finally decided to start a rewatch since Disney+ was released. It seemed intimidating before, having to watch across multiple streaming services but if you put most of them on one platform, it doesn’t seem as bad. So I did that (I already saw Ironman 1 & 3, OG Avengers, AOU and Cap 3 in the past, CASUALLY. I saw them either in the theater or through family gatherings then went on with my life. That’s how little I knew about Marvel and since then, I had no motivation to catch up. I ignored, and somehow avoided all the endgame spoilers but I instead, spoiled myself by time I got to it. 

So at first I watched all 3 Ironman movies, got myself into some irondad fanfics then moved onto the Cap trilogy. (Though I watched by release order- Also TIH and Thor 2 are both boring as hell, I’d rather sit through endgame, I ain’t kidding you, Least I’d have something to rant/think about lol.) TFA I didn’t start shipping it. When Bucky fell off the train, my Supernatural brain though ‘ahh, he’ll be back!’ (even tho I knew he’s in cap 3, I know, out of order in the past pfft) Also, ghifmaking has made me warm up to that movie, by a lot. 

Cap 2? First off, that movie is near flawless. I think I could watch that and Ironman 3 for the rest of my life. Just gimme National Treasure, Cars 1, and Scooby Doo on Zombie island and I’m good. 

THE GODDAMN FLASHBACK SCENE IS WHAT GOT ME. Not the iconic ‘TTEOTL’ scene, no, no, no, no. Just the scene of Steve starting into the woods with his hands in his pockets, thinking back to Bucky in 1930′s brooklyn. *insert ‘that shit is breahtaking, bro’ gif here* 

So yeah, between TFA and CW (I do still love CW contrary to fandom opinion, but I do agree it feels more like an Avengers movie than anything) my heart was like: that’s you new OTP. 

I watched the rest of the MCU and did a head dive into fanfiction. And now here I am with this blog, making gifs, writing fanfic, and enjoying the fandom with the rest of you wonderful people :D Literally haven’t had this much fun in a fandom since I joined the spnfamily, and that’s saying a lot. So I think I’m shipping these two dorks for...life. Yup. ‘Don’t forget, you’re here forever.’ 

50: What do you love the most about stucky?

AAAAAAHHHHH, so many things!!! 1) The fandom, above all else I think. To hell with canon, we’ll make our own ship by hand. 2) Just how romantic they are, seriously. 3) How their love is stretched across a century and they both come back to life at the exact same time.  

Stucky askgame!!

[atc74]

What If (1)

Written for: @emoryhemsworth​ and this request - Hi Angelina! I was wondering if you could do a fluffy/smutty Jensen x Reader fic based on “What Ifs” by Kane Brown ft. Lauren Alaina? Maybe the reader is super insecure because she’s quite a bit younger than Jensen, and has never considered herself beautiful because of a chromosomal disorder, but Jensen comes along and changes all of that and tells her how smart and beautiful she is? And surprises her by saying he wants to marry her one day? 

Also written for: @spngenrebingo

Square filled: Accidental Confession

Emory, I am sorry it took me so long to get around to writing this for you! I skipped the smut, but I hope you like this! Thank you for your support and love!

Warnings: Talk of infertility, reader’s insecurities, age gap (17 years)

Pairing: Jensen x Reader

Word Count: 1531

Beta’d by the best team in the world, @hannahindie and @pinknerdpanda - thank you loves!

THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION AND SHOULD BE REGARDED AS SUCH. NO DISRESPECT IS INTENDED TOWARD THE ACKLES OR PADALECKI FAMILIES. 

A/N: Song lyrics have been turned into dialogue and will be bolded. Italics indicate flashbacks.

“What if you leave Jensen? What if you hurt me? Because you realize I am not good enough for you? Because I can’t give you what you want...what you deserve?” you cried. It was all you could think about lately. All the what ifs of your relationship with him. He looked at you like you had just slapped him in the face.

When you moved to Austin for college the only soul you knew was your roommate. You decided to take a few yoga classes in town to meet new people. It was through the yoga studio that you met Genevieve Padalecki. You and Gen quickly became friends and she appreciated that you always treated her like she was your friend first and not a celebrity. You were the same way with Jared when she introduced you to her husband. It wasn’t until a couple years after you and Gen met that she offered you a part-time job watching their two boys. In the time you had known Gen, those boys stole your heart and you jumped at the chance to spend time with them.

It was by chance that you met Jensen Ackles.

“Hey, I didn’t expect you guys back so soon,” you rose from the couch and started putting your books away when you heard the key turn in the lock.

“Who are you?” a deep voice boomed off the walls in the Padalecki’s family room.

“I’m Y/N, the babysitter,” you told him. “But the question is, good sir, what are you doing here?” You crossed your arms and waited for an answer. Of course you knew who he was, but you had no idea what Jensen Ackles was doing there.

“I need a bottle of wine,” Jensen explained quickly. “Jared keeps several in the cellar. I’ll be right back.” With that he was gone down the stairs before you knew it. He returned a few minutes later with two bottles.

“Red or white?” He asked holding them out to you.

“Dude, I’m twenty and I don’t drink. Why don’t you just ask your date what she prefers,” you scoffed slightly, then took in the look on his face. “I-I’m sorry Jensen, that was uncalled for.” You slumped back into the sofa and covered your face with your hands.

“For your information, it isn’t for ‘my date’, it’s for my mother. She asked for a glass of wine, but I didn’t have any. Secondly, you’re really only twenty?” he asked.

“Yes. College student at UT; third year history major. Again, I am so sorry for what I said,” you apologized.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. I shouldn’t have just barged in like that, even if I do have a key,” his voice was smooth and calm, his eyes soft as he set the bottles down. “Listen, I gotta go. It was nice to finally meet you, Y/N.” He shook your hand, grabbed his bottles and was out the door. You followed and locked up behind him. Great, you thought, the first time you meet Jensen and you make a fool of yourself.

Over the course of the next few months, Jensen would find his way over to the Padalecki’s more and more frequently. First it was a cookout when he should have been out of town. The next, borrowing some tool he said he needed. You became closer with each drop in. Even though watching those boys made you happy, you found yourself smiling each time you watched them, knowing Jensen would pop in, usually unannounced.

It wasn’t until your twenty-first birthday, a few months later, that you actually got a little nervous when you saw him. Jared and Gen took you out for dinner and drinks at San Jac Saloon. You were seated at a private table in the back, when you felt a warm pair of hands on your shoulders. “Happy Birthday Bits.” He pressed a soft kiss the top of your head and took the seat next to you.

As the night wore on, you and Jared became increasingly drunk. Jensen offered to drive you all home so Gen didn’t have to deal with the both of you. You don’t remember everything from that night, but you do remember waking up with a post-it note on your phone that simply said “Read Me.”

You groaned at the thought of what happened the night before, but unlocked your phone anyway and held your breath, prepared for the worst. What you found melted your heart:

Before you ask, no, I didn’t see anything, you were able to change your clothes all on your own. Secondly, if you don’t mind being seen in public with an old guy, would you have dinner with me tonight? ~Jensen

You stared at the text message for what felt like hours before you remembered you hadn’t answered it.

I’d love to. And look on the bright side...you get a discount on meals and movies ;)

His reply came before you could set your phone back down.

Haha very funny Miss smartypants college student. I’ll pick you up at 7

A smile spread across your face and you replied with a thumbs up and a smiley face. You panicked and realized you didn’t know what to wear and called Gen for help. She didn’t need to know it was Jensen, only that you had a date.

You had told Jensen everything early on. It was something he needed to, no, he deserved to know about you. It was better that he knew upfront.  

“Darlin’, why the tears?” Jensen crossed the kitchen and wrapped his arms around you. You and Jensen had only been dating a month and you dreaded this conversation since the first date.

“We need to talk, Jay,” you pulled him to sit next to you. His eyes were filled with concern and worry as he wiped away the tears that had fallen.

“Whatever it is, we’ll figure it out,” he whispered as he held you close.

“You shouldn’t be with me Jensen. You deserve so much better,” your voice was barely a whisper.

“Shouldn’t I be the one to decide who I want to be with? Is this because of your age, because I already told you I don’t care,” he told you.

“No, that is not why, at least not all of it. I can’t ever give you what you want.”

“I already know what I want and it’s you, pretty girl. No more, no less.”

“Jensen, I see the way you are with Gen and Jared’s boys, how great you are with them; how happy you are when they are around. How you look at them with longing. That is something I can never give you.”

“Hey hey, we don’t need to have this conversation today or even in the next few months. I am perfectly happy with where we are and where we are headed. I am already head over heels for you, Darlin’. Talk of babies can wait.”

“Jensen, I can’t get pregnant. I can’t do fertility treatments. Not even in-vitro. I can never give you the child you long for,” you sniffed as the tears came again. “Wait...you love me?” You looked up at him, his face soft and full of love.

“You caught that huh? Well, I may have accidentally confessed to being in love with you, but all that other stuff? That can all wait. If we can’t have babies, we can explore adoption or a surrogate, whatever. I just know that I can’t live without you.”

“You say what if I hurt you? What if I leave you? You think you don’t deserve me? Is this about the haters? Ignore them,” Jensen took a step closer to you, but you backed up, keeping him at a distance. You were afraid if he held you, your resolve would crumble.

“No, it isn’t that, Jensen, but I need to leave. I can’t be here anymore,” you moved past him and were almost to the door when you heard his boots on the hardwoods. His warm hand closed gently around your shoulder and he turned you around.

“The what ifs? Is that what this is all about? Well, before you make your mind up I gotta ask, what if I was made for you and you were made for me? What if this is it, what if it’s meant to be?” his voice cracked with emotion and he stared into your eyes.

“It can’t be…” you broke in. The tears became too much for you and you turned away from him again.

“What if I ain't one of them fools just playin' some game? What if I just pull you close, what if I lean in? What if one of these days, baby, I go and change your name? What if I loved all these what ifs away?” his voice dropped off and there was nothing but silence. The seconds ticked by.

What if he walked away? What if he realized you were right? You slowly turned around and found Jensen down on both knees, a small ring box in his hand.

“I wanna change your name. Who cares about the what ifs?”

to be continued...here

The Whole Enchilada: @sis-tafics  @holyfuckloueh @gh0stgurl @hobby27  @bethbabybaby @anspgene @paintrider13-blog @cyrilconnelly @just-another-busy-fangirl @just-a-touch-of-sass-and-fandoms @roxyspearing @heyitscam99 @iwantthedean @jpadjackles @mogaruke @smoothdogsgirl @x-waywardaf-x @myoutletforfanfiction @growningupgeek @spnbaby-67 @wonderange @emoryhemsworth @impalaimagining @feelmyroarrrr @docharleythegeekqueen @katymacsupernatural @hennessy0274-blog  @charliebradbury1104 @pinknerdpanda @hannahindie @wingedcatninja @highfunctioning-sociopath @speakinvain @evansrogerskitten @percussiongirl2017 @blacktithe7 @theoriginalvicki @mrswhozeewhatsis @sweetpeamoose @sandlee44 @mottergirl99 @meeshw777 @squirrel-moose-winchester @milkymilky-cocopuff @meganwinchester1999 @spn-dean-and-sam-winchester @grace-for-sale @andkatiethings @nanie5 @monkeymcpoopoo @adoptdontshoppets 

Jensen’s Jamboree: @thing-you-do-with-that-thing @supernatural-jackles @trunk-full-of-ideas @kayteonline @ruprecht0420 @kathaswings @bringmesomepie56 @deandoesthingstome @starry-chaos  @dean-winchesters-bacon @pisces-cutie

[whispersandwhiskerburn]

Happy Birthday to Me?

August 19th is my birthday and I have reached the point in my life where birthdays are rarely celebrated and gifts are few and generally crappy. It falls on a teacher workday 9 times out of 10 so I’m stuck in boring meetings, and it’s generally just not a happy day for me.

Well screw that.

I’m turning 27 years young in August of 2017 and I’m putting a call out to my tumblr friends and spnfamily asking for the kind of presents you guys know I love best--fanfics, gifsets, fanart, aesthetics, etc. :) 

Everyone’s invited to participate!

Some incentives, a birthday wish list, and tags below the read-more.

Hi everyone! 

I know you are all very busy, so if you are considering doing something for my birthday

I have a few notes though:

I love surprises, so please don’t tell me what you’re planning! I tried to give you a review of my faves and preferences below, so go by that if you want to make it personal, but really, I’m good with almost anything (again, see the list below). If you have a question, you can message me or ask on anon, and I’ll answer, but I hope you keep it vague!

Post and tag me @whispersandwhiskerburn, or send to my inbox on August 19th, my birthday!

Incentives: This is a voluntary thing that I’m hoping some friends are willing to do, but I plan on doing the following for participants:

A masterlist of all submissions with a promo

A personal thank you from me to you

My top 3 favorite submissions get an *I O U* fic request from me--where they can send in a request for a fic, and I will write it for them.

Birthday Wish List and About Me

I realize some of you wonderful people want to give a gift that I will enjoy, so here’s some stuff on me that you are welcome to ignore. Seriously. I will just be happy to get SPN stuff from friends online as hardly no one I know in the real world knows much about Supernatural. So,you do you. And thank you. 

My name is Angel (for real, not because of the show or anything), I’m a teacher, and I am a huge fangirl--but of the show. My bestie @waywardjoy likes to call me the Queen of Canon because I go out of my way to line up my fics with the canon-verse of SPN. Anything you give me that is canon will be ultra appreciated, but I’m good with AU as well--I’m just not a big fan of RPF. I love the actors and the convention videos, but I feel weird about putting them into fiction (personal preference) so please don’t do that for my birthday gift. 

I believe quality creative pieces bring out emotions in the audience. That’s how I identify whether or not something is good. With that in mind, fluffy stuff, sexy smutty stuff, and even heart-wrenching angst are all completely fair game. I just appreciate the good stuff. :) *No non-con or abuse please!* I’m not much of a shipper, but I’ll read it if you write it for me. :)

I highly recommend any fic gifts that include a reader use Y/N instead of “Angel” even though that is my name--I read so much fic that it’s no trouble for me to substitute my name, and I love sharing, so I want lots of people to love your fic, not just the ones who share my first name. :) On that same note, your gift doesn’t have to be birthday themed, I’m sure we’ll all enjoy your creation on days that don’t celebrate our birthdays.

I am a confirmed Dean!girl for life. 

Cass is probably my next fave.

Then Sam. 

I am bisexual, and my girl crushes on this show are many. Charlie, Billie, Meg 2.0, and Jo Harvelle make the top of that list.

Need some inspiration or a starting point? Here’s 10 ideas that you are welcome to ignore or use.

~~The reader(or Sam) brings Castiel a guinea pig as a pet ~~ The reader teaches Dean how to ride a motorcycle ~~ Dean and Sam get beat in poker by the Reader ~~ One of the Winchesters learned how to dance to surprise the Reader who loves to dance ~~ The boys meet a hunter and flashback to a date at a county fair where they competed at a shooting gallery as teenagers ~~ Dean gets into a race in the Impala against another classic car with an intriguing driver~~ Dean meets a fangirl of the Edlund books who is all about Dean ~~ A pool game ends in a fight and one of the boys accidentally knocks out a bystander~~ An EMT insists on checking out the boys after the victim is already under care and then identifies the creature who did the damage ~~ While on surveillance and unable to escape Dean has to put up with the Reader and Sam talking healthy smoothies and salads. 

Thank you all!        I love you bunches. :)

This link will take you to the masterpost I made of all of my celebration challenges!

To my Forevers, the ones who keep me writing, in the hopes that they will participate or spread the word:  

@2wonderinsighlents, @adaliamalfoy, @alcpegasus22, @andrastesflamingtitties, @angelofwinchester17, @alexastacio, @anokhi07, @ariethegreat98, @arryn-nyxx, @autopistaaningunaparte, @avasmommy224, @babypieandwhiskey, @bennyyh, @benjerry707, @bringmesomepie56, @bucky-thorin-winchester, @but-deans-back-tho, @captainemwinchester, @carry-on-ms-believer, @casownsmyass, @cfordwrites, @chaos-and-the-calm67, @dancingalone21, @d-s-winchester, @deafgirlsarecooler, @deandoesthingstome, @deanfuckingwinchesterrr, @deanscherrypie, @deansdirtylittlesecretsblog, @deanwinchesterforpromqueen, @deanxfuckingadorablexwinchester, @deliciouslyshadowymilkshake, @demonangelimpala, @demondeansdomme, @end-lessnights, @faith-in-dean, @fandommaniacx, @feelmyroarrrr, @fiveleaf, @graceforme86, @i-is-for-inspiring, @ilostmyshoe-79, @impala-dreamer, @jalove-wecallhimdean, @jarpadandjensenaremyheroes, @jencharlan, @jensen-gal, @jotink78, @just-another-busy-fangirl, @just-a-touch-of-sass-and-fandoms, @katnharper, @kittenofdoomage, @kristaparadowski, @lipstickandwhiskey, @littlegreenplasticsoldier, @leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid, @love-kittykat21, @loreleilara, @lunarsaturn88, @luv4jensen, @lynnebla, @marilynnlew, @millaraysuyai, @mogaruke, @moonstonemystyk, @mrsbatesmotel53, @mrsjohnsmith, @mrswhozeewhatsis, @mzpearlz, @nicolesyneah25, @nightmaredean, @notnatural-supernatural, @paintrider13-blog, @pinknerdpanda, @plaidstiel-wormstache, @rizlowwritessortof, @roxy-davenport, @rushernparadise, @salvachester, @seenashwrite, @septicxsoulxdarkxmind, @scorpiongirl1, @skathan-omaha, @spnrvt, @supernatural-jackles, @supernaturalyobsessed, @theafinnerup, @thegreatficmaster, @vote-for-pedro, @waywardjoy, @wevegotworktodo, @wi-deangirl77, @wonderange, @withoutaplease, @writingbeautifulmen, @xtina2191, @yoursmilemakesmeloveyou, and @yume-deaimashou If you want to be removed from or added to my forever tag list, send me a message/ask! Only 18+ please!!

[orionsangel86]

12x19 - Episode Review - Intimacy, Love, Faith and mixtapes

What can I even say about this episode? Since my first watch I have been going around with a goofy grin on my face while thinking of nothing but mixtapes and intimate touches between two people who love each other so dearly that even the most stringent heteronormative people must be side eyeing the show thinking “that’s kinda gay”. When I try to think about the actual plot of the episode though and what will come of this in the finale? Well, I am a bit lost… though I do have some ideas. I can’t say I am entirely thrilled by the plot structure this season. Hence my long tumblr absences as well as limited thoughts and meta since 12x12. There is too much going on, too many stories which don’t seem to have any real connection. Also Lucifer really pisses me off as a character now and every time he is on screen I roll my eyes.

This episode wasn’t up there with the likes of 12x10 and 12x12 for quality. Then again as soon as the story turns back to Kelly and her unborn Satan spawn I do find it hard to stay switched on, but the destiel this episode was glorious and gave me a lot of hope for where Dabb intends to take this. Am I still annoyed that we are lacking Cas so much this half season? Yes. Very. The fact that he doesn’t return until the finale pisses me off to no end, I will most likely disappear again after writing this review and not comment on the episodes leading up to the finale unless Dean suddenly decides to jump out of the closet and hit on handsome bisexual Max next week as a rebound for all the rejection he suffered in 12x19. (honestly I am praying to the TV Gods that Max takes a liking to Dean and we get a good helping of Gay to get us through our Cas withdrawal symptoms).

Without any further rambling however here is my review of 12x19.

It gets long down there under the cut…

Take this mixtape for my heart… complete with kisses and songs about you

The best part about this episode? Destiel. Oh boy the destiel. It was so gloriously gay. I can’t even imagine how the antis and non-shippers are feeling about this! I am so very full of joy and glee about this!

We know from the opening sequence that Dean has been pining for Cas and worrying about Cas for a while now, but the glorious moment when Cas walks into the Bunker and Dean looks up at him is just…

Oh how very dramatic. The might as well have put him in soft focus and had a swell of romantic music as his lover returned home from war… seriously. But then all the DeanCas shots in this episode are framed so romantically/intimately. Kudos to Amanda Tapping for just getting it. (then again she was present during the most heartbreaking DeanCas scene of all time the crypt scene and therefore I have no doubt that she is very much aware of Destiel and its importance.

Once again this shot escalates into an argument between Dean and Cas that Sam is stuck in the middle of. I seriously love how this has continued throughout season 12. Sam is the poor third wheel stuck in the middle whilst his brother and brother in law have a lovers tiff.  

We get another classic confused kinda bitch face from Sam when Dean snaps at him because he dares to be nice to Cas…

Seriously we have now built up a nice collection of Sam bitchfaces and knowing looks when he is stuck having to deal with these two once again. Poor Sam. Let him save the day and get a dog and marry Eileen so he can finally get some PEACE! :P

“Not only were you ditching us you were ignoring us”.

“What the hells wrong with you man?”

We have a LOT of call backs to previous seasons in this episode. I mean A LOT of call backs. This one particularly was quite interesting as it threw us right back into Purgatory:

“I prayed to you Cas, every night”

“I know.”

“You know and you didn’t… What the hell’s wrong with you?”

So what does this mean? Already we have a call back to the start of season 8, which then lead to a whole story arc where Cas was brainwashed by the angels and ended with Dean managed to break through that brainwashing with the power of… platonic friendship pfft.

Doesn’t bode well for the end of this episode though does it?

Now we need to talk about the mixtape. Yes I know this has probably already been meta’d to death on tumblr. Yes I am sure some of you are sick of it (though be honest.. you aren’t really sick of it now are you? I know how long the “I love you” conversations lasted for after 12x12 aired so shut it and enjoy my meta thoughts too. :P )

Cas follows Dean back to his room (for the privacy of course – also note that he doesn’t feel he needs to explain himself to SAM) under the pretense of returning a mixtape that Dean gave him. My first though before we even GET to the subject of Dean giving Cas a mixtape in the first place, is why Cas is using the return of this very romantic gesture at all. Even with his knowledge of pop culture, I don’t think Cas realises the importance of giving someone a mixtape, hence him thinking he needed to return it in the first place. It was in no way a rejection from Cas (like he could reject Dean pfft). But Dean clarified that it was a gift anyway. Oh but can we just pause again and store this to fandom memory forever and ever?

DEAN WINCHESTER GAVE CASTIEL A MIXTAPE

And isn’t that the most beautiful, innocent, loving gesture that for these two macho manly gruff heros its almost too much to bare! Dean Winchester is such a fucking teddybear deep down I can’t quite stand it. Argh I love him so much for this moment!

So lets talk about this mixtape some more because I can’t get enough:

“Dean’s top 13 Zepp Traxx”

Except that’s not exactly what it says. Why two Xs rather than the correct spelling? Why the slight spacing between the “TRA” and the “XX”? Why, if you are spelling “Tracks” the ‘cool’ way would you not shorten it to “Trax” why two Xs unless those Xs also had a separate meaning loosly hidden in the spelling?

Basically those Xs are also ‘kisses’ and no one can tell me otherwise.

Isn’t that just a perfect mini metaphor for destiel itself though? The main text reading is that Dean has spelt the word the slang way, using the Xs as a fun way to spell the word only. Nothing suspicious here, totally platonic.

And yet everyone knows that Xs also mean kisses. Everyone.

The romantic message is hidden in the label. It isn’t totally obvious at first, but it is once you put it together with the general meaning of a mixtape.

Speaking of, for all you kiddies out there who haven’t lived in the age before CDs, ipods and MP3s, giving someone a mixtape has a HUGE meaning to it. It is also, without a doubt, always romantic.

I am sure that by the time I post this, the mixtape will have been meta’d to death on tumblr and you will all be flailing about it anyway… I know I was as soon as I first watched the episode. This is a big moment. No. Seriously. Friends don’t give friends mixtapes. People who love people and people who have major crushes on people give people mixed tapes. It is always always romantic in its meaning.

If we try to look for a platonic reading to this, perhaps Dean didn’t make this tape for Cas, perhaps its one he had lying around already (though the Xs kinda throw that reading out). Even so, it is still a mixtape that Dean made at some point and then gave to Cas. This is the canon. I just wish we could have seen the moment Dean gave it to him (probably shoved it at him with a gruff “here, you need to listen to some real music” whilst desperately trying and failing to stop himself blushing. I LOVE this and I wanna read that fanfiction.

To make this whole thing even more romantic. Dean confirms it himself. There is no denying it. “It’s a gift. You keep those” this wasn’t just something that Dean had lying around that Cas picked up and asked to borrow, it wasn’t something Dean just shoved at him and said “You need to listen to some decent music, take this” and didn’t think about it any more. Dean put thought into it because it was a gift specifically for Cas.

If only Cas had actually realised that fact. Though I will talk more about Cas’s continued unknowing rejection of Dean this episode a bit later… first this shot:

Its beautiful, and you all know me and my hand obsession in SPN. Hands have meaning. They are important. They leave a print. There is always intimacy in moments like this. The way Dean and Cas exchange touches throughout this season always brings me joy. This moment is no different.

I have decided to make a separate post about hands in this episode because I am a nerd who got super excited about all these beautiful close up hand shots that have such a massive significance. Anyway, back to the mixtape…

Ultimately, there was no plot related reason for the mixtape scene. Other than to give Cas an excuse to come find Dean… which he had anyway? To apologise and try to clear the air (and also to find the Colt) so… why the mixtape? Why even bring it into the show if not to emphasise Dean and Cas’s relationship and the romantic nature of it that is now more than heavily implied. After a previous one sided love confession how is ANYONE supposed to read their relationship as anything other than inherintly romantic?

Cas’s quiet “Oh” just infuriates me because REALLY CAS? You didn’t KNOW what that meant? Urgh. I mean, yeah okay so he never has been very good with the whole social conventions and stuff like that but still. Then Dean just goes and does something which makes me love him even more. He starts a conversation. Oh boy how he has grown. Communication is key and Dean FINALLY seems to be understanding this.

“Cas, you can’t… with everything that’s going on you can’t just go dark like that”

Interesting. Dark like Superman going darkside yeah? We are back to 6x20. We are seriously getting flashbacks to Destiel’s greatest hits in the space of a few minutes here. Also, this whole conversation is just so freaking intimate in the way it is shot, the dark moody lighting, the way both actors are speaking relatively softly compared to their usual gruff tones and just the sheer weight of emotion in Dean’s face.

Its forcing the viewer to get up close and personal with Dean’s feelings here. Forcing them to really consider how much he is hurting and therefore forcing them to ask the question WHY. Why does this make me, as a viewer, feel like I am intruding? Is this a common shot composition for friendly conversations between platonic friends?!? Um. Nope. Hence this ENTIRE SCENE SCREAMS ROMANCE. And also, sadly, betrayal.

At least we get an explanation from Cas. The thing is, we see Dean’s POV most of the time, therefore we don’t really get to understand Cas’s reasons for doing things, but this episode he does get a chance to justify his actions, and as expected, it all comes back to Dean…

“I needed to come back here with a win for you… for myself”

Because Cas has failed so much, is still suffering from depression (though it hasn’t been brought back into maintext for a while now) and is so conflicted on where he is supposed to be going nowadays. He has lost his mission, he has no riteous path, and no faith… and this episode is all about faith when you get down to it… faith and fate, destiny and hope for the future… though not from the right place (and we are now back even further – in season 5.) and Dean is desperate to get him back on track but still doesn’t really say the right things.

“We will find a better way”

“You mean we?” *gestures to the both of them

“Yes, dumbass, we.”

Dean is still having to clarify for Cas that he is part of their family and that they want him around. Cas still doesn’t get it, because even if Dean thinks he is being clear, he really isn’t. Not to someone who has struggled with their self worth, struggled with depression and feelings of total worthlessness. It will take far more than some words about the three of them to get Cas to realise just how much Dean cares. Remember folks, from Cas’s perspective, he has confessed his love and hasn’t heard it back. He didn’t a get a “I love you too” or even a “we love you too”. Just a “we ain’t leaving you behind”. Which is easy to explain away as the Winchesters not wanting people to die on their watch. The Winchesters always try to save people, meaning Cas isn’t any more special than any other random civilian who the Winchesters wouldn’t leave to die… when you think about it from Cas’s perspective, its still a bit of a kick in the teeth.  

“You, me… and Sam. We’re just better together” Again, Dean isn’t quite giving Cas what he needs? The pause, then the added “and Sam” just takes us right back to the beer run in 11x23 and Cas’s dissapointment, It becomes easy to understand Cas’s motivations when you look at it from a destiel perspective and consider that he has been rejected and continuously referred to as a third wheel to the brother dynamic. In Cas’s mind, Dean doesn’t return his feelings, and by not understanding the implications of a mixtape as a gift, nor the extent to which Dean would go to forgive him, Cas continues down his path of destruction and takes the Colt. They may be communication, but they aren’t really communicating. Its such a classic romance trope and I’m pulling my hair out STILL over these two.

“Lets go Team Free Will”. Could the callbacks to previous seasons be any more obvious? Now we really are in season 5 and in the past 5 minutes have travelled back through the greatest hits of destiel. From Purgatory guilt, Season 6 betrayal and now season 5 loss of faith. These are the major themes of 12x19. Cas is stuck in a cycle of self destruction. Where will this end for him?  

The next scene with Dean and Sam discussing Sam’s theories and the grace extraction as a potential solution just proves how far they have come. Its no longer “how do we kill the thing” but “how do we stop the thing from being evil without resorting to violence?” I call this the “Amara Effect” and I am very happy about this. Anyway, what I really wanna talk about here is just how happy Dean was to finally have a solution and how his FIRST THOUGHT was “I’ll get Cas”. Like he just wanted Cas to be there to work with them on this together. He really did mean what he said to Cas in his room. My heart breaks for him when he realises Cas is gone.

However can we please just take a moment to be so fucking thankful that FINALLY IT IS CANON THAT CAS HAS A ROOM IN THE BUNKER!!

This is CAS’s ROOM! CASTIEL HAS A ROOM AT THE BUNKER. Number 15 to be exact. 3 doors down from Dean. (yes I know this was also the number of the room used by Mary apparantly earlier on in this season but clearly Cas stays there because why else would Dean have gone to this random room to look for him and not the kitchen or the archives hmm?)

LOOK AT THE HEARTBREAK ON HIS FACE WHEN HE REALISES CAS IS GONE AGAIN

Oh Dean. It is such a common trope though. Just when he thinks he has the person he loves back by his side again, they are gone. We really are back to season 8 here with Cas being the one rejecting Dean. (please lets not forget that the extent of the rejection for the past three seasons has been on Dean with Cas holding the torch for destiel and it is only now that we are finally experiencing the brunt of the shift back to Dean.) This episode is by FAR the most romantic we have had so far in terms of destiel in the past FOUR seasons. The only episodes that really surpass it are 6x20 and 8x17 (though 12x10 is a close contender). This is being written, and shot as a romance and my gosh I love it. Poor Dean.

THEN we get further justification for Cas’s actions. I know that this episode hasn’t really done him any favours for painting him as a bit of a villain and I know that the Cas haters will have a field day with his treatment of the Winchesters, but we are getting solid explanations for his actions here, and they all point back to Cas’s love for the Winchesters, his love for Dean…

“I am doing this for the Winchesters. I stole the Colt to keep them out of this mission”

“I will kill this girl, so that Sam and Dean won’t have to.”

Because that really is love, Cas would do the dirty work to spare Sam and Dean the pain of having to do something that could traumatise them further. Cas is doing this so that they won’t have to suffer that. He is doing it to protect them, because he loves them. I swear to god if I see a single post from a cas hater trying to paint him as a villain who doesn’t care I will be all over it. They have NOTHING to back up their arguments.

It is of course, the same tune that Cas is singing again and again. This is the reason behind ALL of his motivations. Its always about the Winchesters. Its not about his reputation, glory, praise, its not even about saving the world. Its about sparing Sam and Dean from doing something horrible. He just wants them to have the peace and freedom they taught him was so important back in freaking season FOUR. I won’t be holding his decisions in this episode against him, because I think Dabb has a very clear idea of where Cas is going with his story arc, and its all about emphasising what is truly important to him, what Cas basically lives for now. Yeah, he needed the win. He needs to put a stop to something that could potentially destroy the world, but his true reasons for doing it are spelt out in this episode.

Coming back to Sam and Dean, the conversation about the Colt:

“How did Cas even get the Colt out of the safe in the first place?”

“…”

“Dean, you put the colt back in the safe right? Dean?”

“… it was under my pillow… I like to keep it close.”

“He came into my room and he played me.”

“He played us both.”

What I love about this exchange, is that until this moment we don’t know where Cas got the Colt from. He could have just broken into the safe, or he could have got it from where Dean previously kept it under the table in the library. But they chose to have him steal it from under Dean’s pillow. Once again there is added intimacy to a scene where really, the intimacy is unecessary for the plot. When you start to put together all the choices that the writer and director made for this episode, it becomes really difficult to see it from a persective that doesn’t involve Destiel.

Yes, we know in the previous scene that Dean left Cas alone in his room, but the way Dean acts when he owns up to Sam that it was stolen from under his pillow makes it sound like it WASN’T innocent. “Cas came into my room and distracted me and manipulated me enough to find and steal the colt from under my pillow.” It just stinks of sexual subtext and it makes the betrayal that much worse. As I said before, this is 6x20 all over again. But this time its even MORE personal BECAUSE of everything they have been through since then and just how much they have admitted to each other including a bloody love confession and a mixtape. The theft from under the pillow of all places only adds a sexual layer to that heap of intimate subtext. Am I saying they had sex? No. I am not saying this. What I am saying is that having Cas steal the Colt from under Dean’s pillow rather than from a safe or from another safe place adds a layer of intimacy that was not previously necessary. It makes the theft a bigger violation of Dean’s trust than stealing it from the safe, it makes the betrayal a lovers betrayal rather than the betrayal of a friend in the subtext. (I’m not sure if I’m explaining this well, but hopefully you all get the general idea).

Basically, it is another point to add to the list of things in this episode that show that Dean and Cas’s relationship is romantic rather than platonic at this stage (even if textually it isn’t… its how they both act and feel around each other and emphasises how their feelings for each other are NOT PLATONIC.)

As always, at this stage, if you are still struggling to see a destiel reading, consider the same scene but with Sam rather than Dean. Would it work the same way? Have the same impact? How about instead, just considering WHY this never happens to Sam? Why Dean gets the emotional close up with the sweeping string music whilst staring longlingly into Castiel’s empty bedroom and not Sam. Why its Dean that runs off to get Cas, why its Dean’s pillow that Cas stole the Colt from under, why its Dean that gave him the mixtape, and not Sam.

Then we get shots like THIS:

Which lets be honest, are oozing with sexual tension. I was discussing with @godshipsit about how when I first watched this scene, my heart kinda skipped a beat and I was stunned for a second into thinking “this is how they will go canon” (not in this exact scene in this episode of course, but it will be like this when it finally happens. Because I can picture this shot, I can picture the frustration between them and Dean just deciding enough is enough and taking that final step forward and just kissing his dumbass angel so that he finally gets it) The framing of the shot again is beautifully done, the circle around them, framing them and also making the viewer feel like once again they are spying on them. Yes Dean is angry, but Cas is letting him manhandle him up against a wall. Remember he is an angel, he could easily stand his ground, but he doesn’t. He lets Dean get out his frustration here. Lets Dean be threatening. Notice how Sam doesn’t ever react in such a way. Because its not really how friends react is it?

Okay so Dean and Cas have a volatile relationship, that sometimes leads to moments like this which could be viewed as violent or even dare I say ‘abusive’ and gosh wouldn’t the anti’s have a field day with that. But think about romantic tropes for a second, the old hollywood types. Its never friends that get angry and have moments like this that are shot in such a way, but lovers? Having lovers tiffs? Yeah, this is common. The fighting, the pinning against a wall, the staring into each others eyes trying to stand their ground? Its classic sexual tension. Dean doesn’t hurt Cas in this scene remember. Cas doesn’t hurt Dean either. Not physically. The only reason that Cas hurts Dean emotionally is because he doesn’t realise how much Dean cares about him. He knows he is betraying his friends, he knows he is doing wrong in terms of a friendship but views his actions as justified to keep them safe. From a romantic perspective Cas has not yet grasped just how much he is emotionally hurting Dean at this point – because Dean hasn’t yet given him reason to believe he is hurting him this much – though he makes it pretty obvious from the audiences perspective.

Then if we hadn’t already had it spelled out to us again Cas once again gives us his reasons:

“I wanted to keep you out of this, I was trying to keep you safe”

“this is my responsibility”

The writers are constantly trying to remind the audience that Cas’s reasons are always about the Winchesters. There isn’t a selfish bone in his body. He may be jepardising his relationship with them, but to him the end justifies the means. Cas wants the Winchesters kept safe, so his betrayal makes sense to him. Like I have said before. It is season 6 all over again. I just hope it ends differently.

I have to give Dean major kudos here though for being the most understanding boyfriend on the planet, because even after Kelly and Cas steal his beloved Impala he STILL is able to stick up for Cas

“He’s so desperate for a win now he can’t even see straight”

In case the viewers weren’t aware already that Cas is SO NOT THE BAD GUY HERE, Dean spells it out for us in his own words. Yeah, he’s pissed, but he is still able to see Cas’s POV, he gets it, he still cares, still wants to be there for him. I am sure there is some awesome symbolic meaning behind him fixing Cas’s truck up for him as well. If the way Dean fixing up the Impala is supposed to symbolise him healing his own soul, fixing up Cas’s truck has got to also symbolise him fixing Cas. Dean will be there for Cas when he comes back, like he always does.

Dean has come so far this season. His development, his ability to see other peoples POV, his distaste for lies and his slow deconstruction of his ‘performing Dean’ mask. I just adore how far Dean has come, and I can’t wait to see more of this. Dean is being forgiving, he is understanding, he is communicating and I think it is wonderful, really. Not just for destiel, but for his own health and state of mind, and for all the other characters he interacts with.

Moving past the epic finale with baby lucifer taking control of Cas to destroy Dagon, I need to talk about this scene:

Because yeah, something is wrong with Cas, but he was still himself enough to show this level of care and consideration to Dean. The gentle “you’re hurt” and this gorgeous and intimate (again the intimacy in the shots this episode has me majorly fangirling at Amanda Tappin’s excellent direction) caress as he heals him. Dean doesn’t get a standard tap on the forehead or glowy hand hovering a few inches above an injury. Nope. Dean gets gentle, intimate caresses as he is healed. Because Dean is and always will be special to Cas.

Dean won’t let Cas leave, even after everything Cas has done this episode, he still worries about him and argues to stay with him

“Whatever that thing did to you we’re not just gonna let you walk away” Dean knows that Cas isn’t right, he knows that he can’t leave him now. Dean has been down this road before, and that whole speech about faith and the baby well, it just brought back major 8x17 feels to be honest. It sounded like Cas talking about the angel tablet all over again. That was after the brainwashing was broken remember? More on that in a bit.

Basically, this episode was full of destiel moment and I am a big heap of emotional mess thanks to it. Nevertheless, there is more to talk about than just the glorious destieliciousness of this episode (yes that is totally a word).

Therefore, let’s consider what we learned about:

Lucifer’s Baby, Faith and the Future

The fact that this episode started out so darkly, immediately screamed to me that it was not going to end well either, or that any of this was going to end well. Kelly was so very lost to the point that she killed herself. A striking visual for the viewer, and one that is all too common in TV and film nowadays. Kelly couldn’t cope with what her baby would become, and so resorted to taking her own life and the life of the baby instead.

Honestly this is the first episode that I have actually liked Kelly’s character. It feels like the first time she has had any real depth and personality (which is fitting since its also the first time she has been written by a writer other than the terrible duo).

The baby saves her though of course, since it is half angel and therefore has the power of grace to heal her. This shouldn’t be surprising to anyone who understands angels but Kelly treats it as a miracle. She has a change of heart and suddenly we are on the “faith” path.

I think that Cas was probably always going to bond with Kelly after this scene. It may still only be buried in the subtext, but we have had enough call backs to season 8 this episode to make us remember that very heart breaking moment in 8x08 when Cas admitted to Dean that he might kill himself. Cas has been suicidal in the past. With everything he has been through, it’s no wonder he couldn’t go through with killing Kelly.

Whilst I don’t think that the baby will be quite the great evil that Dagon thinks it will be, I have no doubt in my mind that it has Lucifer-like tendencies to manipulate and that at this point its main concern is its own survival. I don’t think it is inherently evil, but still:

“Every sad weak human, every tight ass angel, every snivelling demon, they’ll all be consumed.”

Doesn’t this all seem very Amara-like to you? Because honestly the use of the word ‘consumed’ kinda throws big Amara signs my way. But surely not because we did this story last season. (see this is why the Lucifer baby story annoys me). Anyway, the stories are really similar. The Angels all want this baby dead, so they go to great lengths to kill it, only Cas can’t do it because hes’ Cas and he may talk a big game but killing innocents hasn’t been his thing since well… Jesse… and that is yet another time they basically did this freaking story.

As I mentioned though, Kelly gets through to Cas because of their similar experiences with desiring suicide and feeling hopeless. They are both mirrored this episode as feeling lost and hopeless and therefore vulnerable and easy to manipulate. Isn’t that always the way the devil gets to you? Isn’t that exactly what Lucifer did to Cas last year?

The whole conversation about faith and destiny is very season 5 and is very intentional in an episode that has already used the phrase “team free will” to refer to Sam, Dean and Cas. Other things in this episode that seem kinda pointless on the surface but must have some deeper meaning include the death of Joshua. Why bring him back for all of one episode only to kill him like that? Unless of course he was simply there to remind the viewer of something? Just like the mentioning of “team free will” even though honestly why Dean would say such a thing to Cas who was unconscious the first time he said it? This isn’t just fanservice. This is to take the viewer right back to season 5 and the BIG theme of that season. Free Will, Freedom and Choice are far more important than destiny and fate, and that faith can come from all kinds of different sources.

The last episode where we met Joshua was Dark Side of the Moon. The episode where Castiel lost his faith. Since then, Castiel has had only one real source of faith: the Winchesters. Yes he has been lost and low and broken over the years but he has always had one overall believe, and that is the Winchesters and what they do. In the same episode where we see a massive increase in Destiel subtext and Pining!Dean we  also see the return of Joshua for all of two seconds and Dean trying so hard to get through to Cas, to convince him that the three of them work best together, but Cas still doesn’t get it, doesn’t see it, because Dean hasn’t given him the real reasons, hasn’t spelled it out for him the way Cas did to Dean in 12x12. There has been no obvious love confession from Dean. So Cas is still lost, still wondering, still without a guiding light to bring him home.

Hence he is an easy target for the creepy baby to come and take him as its personal protector. By the end of the episode, Castiel is not our Cas. Not the Cas that chooses the Winchesters anyway. Not the Cas that chooses love over all else. This is a Cas who is reminiscent of Cas when he held the angel tablet and it spoke to his angel coding and told him to keep it safe at all costs. This isn’t brainwashing as such, not the way Naomi brainwashed him, or Rowena cast a spell on him, or Lucifer possessed him. This is a Cas that is vulnerable and in desperate need of a mission to keep him preoccupied to stop him from feeling utterly worthless because he couldn’t bring Dean a “win”. That baby latched on to those feelings, and convinced Cas that he was the best chance of a better future.

The fact that both Kelly and Cas had these yellow eyes is clear proof that this is NOT GOOD. Okay so they still have their pupils in tact unlike the Princes of Hell, but it is still yellow and it still came with that unsettling sound effect that was always associated with Azazel (and then brought back for Ramiel). The baby may not be “evil” in the literal sense, but it is not a good thing. It will not be born and be the “savior”.

Castiel and faith do not go together. When you give Castiel faith in anything that isn’t a Winchester, well, its just not done. This won’t be good. Especially when the words “The Future” were heard over this shot:

Isn’t that ominous. Castiel may have come back to his senses enough to gently heal Dean’s injury (proving that our real Cas is still in there somewhere – always thinking of Dean when he is hurt) but real Cas would NOT just leave Dean and Sam lying on the ground vulnerable outside the ENTRANCE TO HEAVEN AND ALL THOSE ANGELS THAT HATE THEM. WHAT THE FUCK? Yeah so not good basically.

Whatever the future that the baby showed Cas was, it seemed to please him. Now, since it showed Kelly the real future that we saw in this episode then it must have been somewhat real, it also had to be something that was enough motivation to give Cas his faith back… but what could that possibly be? A world without SPN creatures? A world in which Sam and Dean have the peace they deserve? Safety? A life outside of hunting? What else could possibly motivate Cas to go along with this babies ‘plan’ if not something to help the Winchesters?

I’m still unconvinced that this will be anything but bad and that Castiel has been shown a lie. Either that, or this is how they tie the whole thing into the BMOL plot where they want to get rid of all spn creatures as well… even though Sam and Dean are also against them (or will be once they realise the extent of their crazy fascism).

All I can hope is that Dabb knows where he is going with this. The emotional plot seems to be far stronger than the actual story line this year. Which is great in one way, but I still feel we are lacking structure, and I cannot see how this is gonna end. I kinda want to believe that Dabb has decided to let Cas get sort of brainwashed again just so he can have another go at the Crypt Scene (and get it RIGHT this time) because really what else is gonna break Cas out of this weird kind of semi-controlled state? Other than Dean’s love? Why else would they ramp up the subtext to 11 in the same episode that Cas loses his own free will if not to prove to us that Dean will yet again be the key to his freedom?

Overall

The Destiel was great, the plot kinda meh, I have no idea where this baby plot is going and if we get a repeat of season 11s baby Amara plot I’ll be pissed. If Lucifer doesn’t die in the finale I’ll be pissed (I want Cas to hold him down whilst Sam kills him). Fingers crossed for a Crypt Scene but with a canon confession of love from Dean far greater than 8x17s “I need you”. After all, he has been shedding so much of his performance mask, trying so hard to be honest, to accept other people into his life… he is opening himself to vulnerability and accepting that it is okay to do – even when those people hurt him… Dean is learning to be emotionally healthy and really, this route can only end in him doing the one thing he has always struggled to do. The return of his mother this season has only emphasised this. Bearing in mind she is the only person he has ever said the words to before. Could we be on track to getting a confession of love from Dean to Cas? Isn’t it about time? After this episode, I actually think it’s a possibility.

I hate that Cas is not himself again. It breaks my heart. I imagine a lot of people see this as a regression, and I am trying not to. He needs to learn that there are other ways. The difference is that now Dean knows the reasons why Cas is like this. Cas did use his words to explain his reasons quite clearly, so Dean understood. Dean just needs to figure out the key to getting Cas to see things from his POV.

This episode had many great points in it. Obviously the destiel was glorious. The camera work and framing and composition and direction were also fantastic. I hope Amanda comes back and directs again. The one word I will use to describe this episode is “intimate”. Because half the time I felt like I was watching very private moments between characters and I don’t usually feel that way. It was really well put together. I do hope it all comes together by season end, though I am still not too sure. Either way, I liked this episode, even with the baby plot and Lucifer turning up in the middle there. It was satisfying. I’ll give it a 8/10 for how it made me feel after my first watch.