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markword · 4 years

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Summary: You have had a crush on Jungkook since forever ago, but he’s changed and so have you. But when you get closer to him-in a different way than expected-feelings start to come out of the dark.

What’s in this bitch: swearing, SMUT, and a lil but of spice✨✨

Side note: this is my first fanfic, so plz be nice and enjoy!! She’s a long one so get comfy and get somethin to eat and get your playlist ready ✌🏼and there will be typing errors so ignore dem por favor

WITHOUT FURTHER ADUE::::

The echoes of your footsteps drilled into your head at an annoying volume. It didn't help that your heart was incessantly pounding either. You sweep by the empty classrooms, books laying on the floor, sprawled out in a hurry. The paper in your hand was nearly as wrinkled as your shirt, picked straight out of your hamper due to the lack of time and lack of any better ideas. The bell rings and kids start to spill out of every classroom, almost taking you off your track. the bell left an annoying buzz in your ears that kept you charging forward. No one has ever given you a note, not in the four years of highschool. The note was battered and slightly torn from your fidgety hands toying with the edges all day. You'd only read it once, out of fear that if you read it again, it wouldn't say the same thing;

Go to the main entrance after last period.

I'll be waiting.

j.k.

your heart couldn't help but flutter when you first opened the tightly folded note. you couldn't help but think of who sent it to you. He was always on your radar, but not in the romantic sense. You knew it was Jeon Jungkook because of the way the words were scribbled on the paper and obviously, how he closed the short note with his long lived nickname, ¨jk. He was always quiet and reserved in middle school, which would be his defining trait until sophomore year rolled around. rumors upon rumors built up about him, almost taking you off your feet when you first heard them. Jungkook, the quiet and sweet kid you basically grew up with through school, caught with a girl in a school bathroom? for some reason, the rumors were never proven but something about how he swayed when he walked and looked at girls for a split millisecond had them planning baby names. He had silently nudged you toward the conclusion that they were undoubtedly true. The hardest part about seeing his personality take a 180 was the fact that your secret but not so secret crush on him in middle school had quite nearly been strangled to death by the man that stood waiting for you, at the main entrance.

As your pace slowed, your ears and lungs caught up. you knew you were near the main entrance, but you couldn't see over the rushing flow of students going to and fro. you catch a glimpse of the top of his head, and miraculously, he notices you too.

You'd be lying if you said you didn't still have a little thing for him.

you couldn't help it. Maybe it was more of an instinctual hormonal pull, but he was easy on the eyes and in a rugged way, almost dreamy.

His longer dark brown hair, pulled into a small bun, perched on top of his head. his loose black v neck hanging dangerously against his strict collarbones. his baggy grey joggers molded to all the right places but still looking stylishly comfy.

you stride closer to him, and see that he was making small talk with a fragile blonde girl. He erupts into laughter, showcasing his devilish smile. which was always accompanied by his cute dimples. one of the reasons you became so hopelessly in love with him in middle school was that sweet and sour smile of his. You couldn't help but look for it every once and a while in class. You slowly approach him, giving him enough time to wrap up his previous conversation.

"Oh, hey Y/N. Sorry to leave a mysterious note like that" he smiled with his eyes, making the apology that much harder to not accept (although it was a pain in the ass)

"It's really okay. Why'd you want to meet here though? I haven't talked to you for a while"

"That's not true I talk to you everyday in class" he smiled, but it was obvious he was poking fun at you and your nervousness about being there with him. He had to admit, it was a little suspicious.

"Well, what is it then?" you were starting to get impatient, letting your temper mixed with your short attention span to get ahold of you. which of course, didn't go unnoticed by Jungkook.

"Iwas absent yesterday for that chem quiz. can you tell me what's on it? I know you’re smart and you understood the material really well."

You were definitely infuriated, knowing this could've been sent by text or even asked in the fleeting moments after class. you see him at least 5 seperate times a day, why a stupid fucking note to some clandestine meeting?

"Jeon, couldn't you have just texted me? But yeah, Iremember a few questions it wasn't that hard." You were dying for an explanation, but the way his face went blank and uninviting, was enough to gather the realization that you weren't getting one.

"Im taking the makeup test in 10 minutes. Do you think I could cram the answers in time?"

Of course he could. He was insanely and almost annoyingly smart. but just like his soft nature, that disappeared over summer break before sophomore year.

He sent you off with a quick thanks and then casually turned his heels to walk to the chem classroom. Once he left, you started to realize the strangeness of it all. He could've asked anyone in Chem 2, but he asked YOU? With a note to meet nonetheless. thinking about it gave you a headache, so once you turned on your car to go home, you started to think about what songs to play and what dinner will be instead. The car ride home was uneventfully blissful, the usual weird seat dancing and emotional signing to your favorite car songs.

You walk in the door with an exaggerated "humphf" when setting down your backpack to go look in the fridge to look for a snack you knew wasn't there. Your phone vibrates on your kitchen table and slightly annoyed you at how it proceeded to rumble loudly against the flat surface. You pick it up only to see that Jungkook had sent you a post on instagram with another message that read;

jungkook:Thanks for helping today, here's this to show my thanks

it was a distorted meme that you'd seen hundreds of times before, but its humor ran out after the second time it beamed on your screen. It surprised you that he sent a meme, but it surprised you even more to get another taste of the old Jungkook you knew. The one who would thank you for helping him out, and seem genuinely thankful. Sometimes you’d catch yourself stealing fleeting glimpses of him in class. you'd often try to pick up on his new tendencies and see some of his old, but comforting ones. He would also space out in middle school, leaving his notebooks riddled with doodles and scribbles to keep himself awake. Just two days ago, he was in a lab with you and you couldn't help but glance at his notebook for a split second; graffitied with little faces and tiny but strategic and pleasing scribbles. You're still looking blankly at the screen, sure that he noticed the "seen" under his texts a while ago.

you: Of course j.k. Ibet you aced it anyways

All of this weird and sudden contact had your head in a whirl. Too many questions and literally no answers. you thought it best to leave it alone for now. But he didn't.

_______________________________________________

You don't remember when you dozed off exactly, but you knew it was a good night's sleep when you woke up with a dry mouth and a full bladder. You groan and reach for one of the countless half filled water bottles on your nightstand. Huh? a sock?

"Whatever, Ihave to pee" you mutter to yourself. for a moment you didn't realize your deep and groggy voice.

"Wait, what" There it is again! you've never sounded this dead in the morning, even when you were hungover after your wildest night out. You finally flicker your eyes open only to be met by an unfamiliar ceiling fan and light grey walls. You rush to sit up. Something wasn't right. you look down and almost scream.

"Where are my boobs?!" your hands shoot reflexively to your chest, where they always are and are met with a dull smack as your hands hit complete flatness. You scurry out of the unfamiliar, but disgustingly messy bed and dart your eyes to find a mirror. It was weirdly easy to get up and dash to the mirror in the small bathroom to your right considering it wasn't your body you were in.

You stood panting in front of the mirror to see Jungkooks face staring back.

"What in the FUC-"

_______________________________________________

Jungkook sorta remembers when he went to bed. By sorta he means he knew it was between 8 PM and 1 AM. He's not good at remembering things, besides, he's already up now. He cracks his neck and instinctively reaches his hand down his boxer shorts.

"Where is my-" he suddenly feels his arm push against something warm on his chest while he extended his arm to find what was there just last night. He grabs the foriegn object on his chest, anxious to grab something since his usual apparently isn't there right now. Is this a boob? It was a boob. he reached up to mimic his other hand. and there's TWO? of course there he knew that. He'd seen plenty of them, but feeling them on himself? Hell no. THAT'S never happened before. He sat up, hands still clenched around the annoyingly loose bra that covered-well-HIS tits. His face went tense as he looked for a mirror. He slowly approached the mirror hanging on the door, hoping to not be met with one of his drunken hookups that could've been a witch for all he knows. He slowly opened his eyes.

"Y/N?! Damn. well, she has nice tits, I have to give her that."

——————————————————————————

You both immediately shot a text to each other, hoping it wasn't a dream, because if it was, you'd both look like idiots. But after telling eachother what happened when they woke up, (Jungkook left out the whole boob ordeal) and you decided to skip school today and sneak out of the house to meet and try to figure out what happened last night.

After throwing on something Jungkook might wear, you couldn't help but notice his figure staring back at you. He really was handsome. You flashed a beefy smile at the mirror and stayed smiling after seeing his signature but memorable smile. You finally talked his mom into letting you stay home just 30 minutes ago, with jungkook in an earbud listening and telling you the best way to make his mom cave. You were slightly annoyed when he said that all he had to do was say he felt sick and your mom was already convinced. It was still uncomfortable hearing your voice through the phone. you sounded really stupid on the phone. you decided to meet at a park close to both your house and his to figure it all out and how to undo it. You had a hard time figuring out how to drive his car but ended up to the park in one piece. well, Jungkook arrived in one piece. there was still no sign of your body yet. Your car comes screeching to a halt next to you before you see your body get out of the car in rage and slam the car door shut.

"Be careful with her she's old" you whine, referring to your beaten up and chipped car.

"Shut up and follow me. We gotta be alone." He grabs your arm and pulls you farther into the park and only loosened his grip when there were less than 5 people around.

"What the fuck happened, Y/N? This is freaking me out. How does this shit even happen? And why me and yo-"

"No, you shut up you're making me dizzy. I don't know my answer for all of those questions. oh god, what do we do at school? AT HOME? WHEN I HAVE TO PEE?" You almost choke on your breath thinking about going to the bathroom with a whole different set of tools.

"I don't know Y/N... I mean I could help you practice..." He reaches down toward your crotch-no- HIS crotch and you flick him away with wide eyes and a blazing stare back at him.

"This isn't a joke, Jungkook. What do we do?" you swallow heavily and look back at your body through his eyes.

"Ew. If I'd known that's what I look like I would just wear baggy sweats everyday..." you whisper it to yourself but since you were both so quiet and focused in thought, he heard it.

"Oh shut up you have a great body, Y/N."

"Did you LOOK? I didn't look, I thought it would be rude. wait-DID YOU LOOK YES OR NO?" you did look. He just doesn't need to know and wouldn't help your case any.

"Of course I did. nice tits by the way." he winked and cracked his neck again. you were too much in a daze thinking about how someone else had seen you naked. JUNGKOOK has seen you naked. Did he just say; nice tits? That doesn't matter, we need to figure this out before you cut off his dick for looking at you.

"We need to figure this out right now." you weren't kidding. if he touched your boobs that would be enough to commit manslaughter. it didn't matter if it was actually you that you were killing.

"We can go to my place now. Let's get something to eat. My mom wont think twice about me having a girl over anyways. She won't bat an eye and she'll leave us alone. Just tell her that we are both sick and want to study to catch up since its convenient. Its our best option." He cracked you a smirk, sending shivers down your spine. it was him alright, just in your body. You get up and start walking towards your beat up car out of habit to leave until he grabs your arm, almost jerking you so hard you would've fallen on your ass.

"Damn Y/N, your body is pretty strong. Stronger than you were in middle school. But lets take my car. I'll drive."

You couldn't help but blush at him mentioning middle school. I guess he really did pay attention to you back then. Your thoughts immediately hone in on memories of gym class when you'd be the best playing any activity and you embarrassed the boys in front of their respective crushes. you couldn't help but let out a little giggle, sounding even better when it came out as Jungkook's grisly and low voice. You settle in the car, and fidget with the seatbelts and keep your head glued on the dashboard to avoid any eye contact just in case you were still blushing. jungkook lets out an audible sigh before turning the keys in the ignition and putting the car in reverse. You couldn't help but look at him, sitting in your body, as he put an arm out behind your headrest to backout. He flickers his eyes between you and behind the car.

"Its so weird seeing my body like this, like from another perspective," you could resonate with what he said, especially since he's manhandling a car with legs wide open, but he looks like you at the same time. "I wonder what I look like during sex..." he mutters the last part under his breath and chuckles, part of him hoping that you would hear.

"Just ask one of your many lady friends, Jungkook. I'm sure they'd love to tell you all about it." You scoff. How could he change so much from the boy you were infatuated with? He was the same in small ways, but barely. It made you sad and frustrated when you realized that you secretly hoped he'd be the same around you after all these years.

"I could. But right now, I'm not exactly myself." You both reach to turn on the radio to drown out the awkward tension that seemed to have seeped in the car. You back off since it technically is his car anyways. He puts on one of his playlists and the first song starts to play. Its not rap and you're almost surprised. But you've known since middle school that he likes more indie and classic rock than anything else. You put your window down and look out with an elbow grasing the bottom of the window, and your hand finding its way to your hair. Well, Jungkook’s hair. Soft. You turn to look at the song name and realize jungkook is glaring at you. You never knew your face could look so scary.

"Don't feel pressured to act any different. Just be you and act normal, even if you want to touch my hair." He snickered and shot his eyes back on the road, making a smooth right turn at the light you'd been stopped at.

"Its a habit. Besides, you've seen me naked Jungkook, who cares if Iaccidentally touch your hair?" you had started to become more and more angry at his annoyingly hot voice. Just by hearing it in classes, you felt a tinge of wetness down under. But you're sure its just because of his voice, right?

"Am I wet right now? Is this what it feels like?" He chuckled so hard and loud you almost see your soul shoot out of the car and get run over. What the fuck do you even say to that? You had an idea as to why it happened but what do you say to jungkook?

He's still laughing a little when he shoots up straight in his seat.

"I know what it is Y/N, you think I'm SEXY."

you gulp. you decide that staying quiet is your best option, the one that will make you look less flustered and more cool about him calling you out.

"You know, Ihad a huge crush on you in middle school. It was almost embarrassing. I think I wrote you a love letter one time but I never gave it to you. You were such a player back then." He chuckles again, but softer this time. He confessed something embarrassing to get the conversation away from the obvious pool of wetness between his legs. YOUR legs.

"I did too." you mumble still looking out the window, trying to hide your excitement at his confession. you were happy but, that was a long time ago anyways. It didn't really matter now.

"Would you look at that, maybe we found out why we switched bodies." His facial expression was flat, almost bored looking. you both sat in silence until he pulled the car into the unfamiliar driveway you left this morning. You get out of the car and he reaches for the door and tells you to make yourself at home, as a joke, of course. To anyone else looking at you two, you were Jungkook, and this in fact, was your house.

"Maybe if we confess our past feelings, we will switch back. That’s the only thing I can think of anyways. You cool with that?" He was pouring himself a glass of apple juice and he set it down on the counter to get another glass for you.

"Yeah why not." you sipped slowly on the cold drink as he led you up the stairs to his room. You settle down on his bed facing each other, almost looking like two young girls at a sleepover talking about their celebrity crushes. you were both sitting with your legs folded and leaning in toward each other, a weirdly comfortable position for the both of you.

"You first." he grumbles with a cheesy smirk.

"Okay," you take a deep breath to collect your thoughts, "I liked you from 5th to 8th grade."

"That's it? I think we need a little more since we are still staring at our own bodies across from us." he was rocking side to side trying to conjure up any thoughts on how to fix your strange situation.

"Maybe we should kiss." He leans forward, which you dodge at the speed of light.

"What are you doing Jungkook?!" Your eyes wide open and stomach fluttering.

"Maybe this is how the spell thingy breaks, it makes sense."

He's right, If the reason you were stuck looking at yourself from this perspective was that you needed to confess and makeout, then so be it. You'd try anything at this point. You missed your own bed. He charges in closer to you slower this time and grabs your face. the way he was using your lips made it impossible to notice how quickly you'd shut your eyes. You opened them to see Jungkook staring at you with wide puppy dog eyes.

"Hell yes I'm back bitche-" He quickly silenced you with another kiss. I worked? You were sure you’d live out your days in another body. But you weren’t mad that his first idea worked out. But you weren’t about to keep your mind on the subject, Jungkook was millimeters away from you with his taunting lips. This kiss was more passionate and more eager. Your legs went limp, and your face set ablaze at Jungkook's fluid and sexy motions against you. He pokes his tongue at your lips, asking if he could enter. You quickly let him roam around your mouth, leaving you breathless and seeing stars. He slides his hands down from your face and traces the outer line of your figure, leaving goosebumps in their wake. you could feel the pool between your legs as your thighs began to quiver under his careful and strategic touch. He shifts you down, so that you're on your back and he is using an arm to support himself above you. you let out a needy whimper and you finally move your arms down his chest to trace his undoubtedly hot body. he flinched when you stopped at his waistband, and you were left just toying with the elastic until he forcefully pulled your shirt off your body, only leaving mere seconds between the deepening kiss. Neither of you were ready to stop. You could feel your body start to heat up against his and he slowly moved his waist into yours at a steady rhythm. you could feel his apparent erection glide across your thighs with every motion. You could feel the heat escape your core when you opened your legs farther, hoping he'd get the hint to touch you where you wanted him the most. You wanted his hands everywhere, but your arousal was too hot and strong to ignore for much longer. He slowly navigated his kiss downward, taking extra care of your neck, sure to leave a couple marks in his wake. once he reached your chest, with your bra still clinging on with the sheen of sweat you both worked up. As he moves his hands to hold you still, they rest on your hips with a tender but strong grip, willing you not to squirm under his touch. He started to kiss along the edge of your bra, frequently nibbling at the tender skin that lay beneath. He was taking his time of course, he'd been wondering what touching you and making you all worked up like this felt. He'd often steal glances at you in class, never letting go of his childish middle school crush. He'd accepted that he'd always feel something toward you, what that was he was unsure. But having you under him, and your back arching your chest towards him made him hungry. He knew he would never get you out of his head after this.

You take your arms behind your back and unclasp your bra hoping he would fasten up and make your horniness subside. He immediately grabs onto one and closes in on the other with tender kisses, licking around your nipple just to hear your sighs that turned into moans between his needy lips.

"Please Jung-" you whine trying to push yourself into him closer. you wanted to be swallowed into this moment. The tension was released, and god did it feel good. He cut you off with a strong and lasting rub against your core, just making you want to whine for more. He was rock hard, so the only thing he accomplished was making you shut up and making you kiss harder and your grip on his hips tighter. He finally slid his hands slowly up the inside of your thigh and his slender but strong fingers snaked their way under the thin cloth that was sticking to your folds. He took a deep and exaggerated swipe across your center, making you shiver with pleasure.

"Don't worry, I'll take care of that," he said, flashing a smile smile in between kisses on your neck.

"Just put it in already I'm dying here..."

With your words, he swiped off his shirt and pulled his pants down, showcasing the famous bounce as his erection springs out of his loose pants. his fingers wrapped around the fabric of your shorts, playing and twisting at them with want. He pulled them down slowly, propping your leg on the bed before throwing the soaking shorts somewhere on the floor. He pushed your thigh open with his now faster motions of his thigh, trying to get more friction against you. You whimper and reach for his erection. before you could fully palm it, he suddenly stopped and stared down at you, trying to catch his breath that had been sucked up by your deep kiss. He slid his thumb across your lower lip.

"Not yet Y/N. Let me do this first. I promise I’ll get to that in a minute." you watch him utter his words in a growl as he slowly drags his soft lips downwards between your breasts and then your stomach before his messy black hair is level with your core.

"I'll be gentle. Tell me if you want to stop at any time, Y/N."

You weren't expecting him to be gentle, or even offer an out for you. All the rumors of him being a brute and rough when it comes to sex and intimacy. You could see the old parts of Jungkook shining through. before you could think about it anything else he pressed his lips against you, lips pursed around your clit. a shake engulfed you, sending shivers up your spine and out of your mouth as a long moan. his tongue grazed over every inch of your center at least 3 times before he started to slow down and suck on your clit, leaving you able to feel every vibration of his ruffled moans against you. before you could recognize that you were almost at the peak of gushing-

"Are you still okay, baby?"

"Y-Yes. Oh GOD!" he had pushed two fingers into you, making you buck your hips into him. He grabbed your thigh with his other hand, silently telling you to stop letting your reactions distract him from the task at hand. Literally. He curls his fingers upward and moves slowly, applying just enough pressure to make your eyes roll back into your head, but gentle enough to keep you just below the line that would make it hurt. He was taking care of you, just like he said. You couldn't help but let your mind wander to his various conquests as he quite literally lapped at you like a starved man. Did he treat them like this? Was he this sweet but seductive with everyone? Are you the first to be thinking about this? His nibble at your folds broke you out of your daze. It doesn't matter now anyways, he was with you and he was good at making you feel good. Just keep going, you thought. It only took another nibble and his tongue in your heat to make you start to see a light.

"Jung- I'm-" you squealed. He just kept going, knowing that what he was doing was the ticket to your long anticipated orgasm. You quickly find yourself grabbing at his head of hair, just to help yourself ride out your climax. You feel the wet drip out of you, and Jungkook's tongue licking it up with lustful motions. Once he cleaned you up to his liking he lifted his head to look at you. Your eyes closed, chest heaving, and sweat making your face gleam. You really were beautiful, he thought to himself. But he wasn't done with you yet. He leaned over you and moved the baby hairs stuck on your face to the side. His doe eyes were searing into you, making you shift under him. You brought your hands up to rest on his chest. He really was beautiful, you thought to yourself. But you weren't done with him yet.

"Let me get a condom. Or are you on the pill? Its up to you, whatever you're comfortable with, baby." His term of endearment took you by surprise, but it didn't feel weird coming from his mouth, almost natural to him. You liked it, it even made your stomach hollow with excitement, but you'd never tell him that.

"I'm on the pill. I don't mind at all jungkook." His grin leaked into a smile, that adorable, sexy smile of his. it practically taunted you, knowing that his now stretched out lips were pressed up against you just mere minutes ago. You watched as he finally pulled down his boxers, allowing his painfully hard erection bounce out. The head, red and angry with understimulation, with beads of precum trickling down his length. He was big, just like the rumors had said, but you weren't expecting that he'd have the perfect length and girth. You knew after you felt him, it would be hard to go back. Especially since just his lips and tongue made you feel something you'd never felt before, something you'd think about at night while you played with yourself.

"Are you ready? I'll be careful with you if you're worried that it might hurt." He sat next to you on the bed, looking for any sign of regret in your eyes. Instead, he found your hungry eyes looking him up and down, completely naked in front of you.

"Don't hold back Jungkook, if we are going to do this I want to feel everything." You could barely focus on anything other than him. His abs, and the way they flexed when he let out a guttural laugh. His Adam's apple, that bobbed up and down when he would talk to you. His long, messy black hair, and how it framed his face. His rosy lips and how they pouted when he wasn't talking. Everything about the man sitting next to you was perfect. His features were just the same as they were back in middle school, but they became more mature and more sexy than cute.

"I'm excited to feel you around me Y/N. I've been thinking about what it would be like, and now you're here, and you're all mine." he uttered before leaning in for a soft kiss, making it easier to hide your face that was obviously blushing at his words.

"If you don't want me to hold back, Iwont" he whispers into your ear, making you wet all over again. His hand found your thigh amid deep kisses, and pushed it farther so he could fit himself between your thighs, allowing his erection to slowly graze over your dripping center with every motion. After Jungkook gathered enough of your arousal on himself, he decided it was enough to allow him to easily slip into you and lose himself in you. You grabbed his hip, angling him parallel to your body, begging him to ease himself into you.

"Please Jungkook..." you whine again.

before you could finish your sentence you felt his tip graze your entrance, teasing you with the heat. He was STILL teasing you? You grip your arms around his torso and force him closer, automatically pushing his length into you, but still not bottomed out yet. He was big and you wondered if you could realistically fit all of him in you. As soon as you pull him closer, Jungkook loudly grunts and shoots his head back at how well you fit around him.

"You feel so good Y/N." He breathes, starting to pump in and out of your heat. He didn't hesitate to throw your leg over his shoulder, allowing him further access into you. Within seconds he finds your g-spot, (he figured it was there since you let out ungodly moans when he hit it) and continues to hit it with each thrust. Each thrust was greeted with a slapping noise and the sounds of your arousal being moved around by Jungkook. His thrusts became more slowed, but deeper, grazing your cervix. The stretch that once felt uncomfortable started to feel pleasurable.

"Right there Jungkook, please don't-" you were too out of breath to even finish your sentence.

Jungkooks heavy breathing would've sent you over the edge right then and there, but he somehow kept you from coming to elongate the feeling of you around him, filling up his senses. His thrusts started to get sloppier, but still had a lustful drive in them. He shot his arm up to the wall, giving him support against his fastened pace. He grunts and shoots the other hand to use his thumb to circle around your clit, making you arch towards his touch.

"I'm gonna-" he spits out, clenching his jaw.

Not long after he warned you, you felt him throb against your insides, a warm pool filling you up. Just the sounds of Jungkook as he released into you was enough to make you follow suit not long after him since he rode his high within you.

"Sorry Ijust-" you put your finger up to his plumped lips to make him shut up.

"Don't say sorry Jungkook, It was perfect. Maybe too perfect..." you look to the side to avoid his taunting gaze. But he grabs your chin and demands for eye contact.

"I've had my eye on you since middle school, Y/N. And Iintend to keep it that way," He kisses your forehead before he gets up and throws you a hoodie that smelled like him.

"Get up butthead, we are getting icecream." he says through his stupid little grin.

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hvvcns-blog · 6 years

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idk how to make super tiny text i have failed u all already.

hi it’s been a long fucking time since i’ve done this so please don’t hold anything that’s too weird against me CNDPSCONDSC thx x

this is haven. he is the largest dickhead to walk this earth. i’ve been trying to figure out how i wanna play him for like a day or so, and i landed on that. so if you take anything away from the following rambles it should be that he’s an asshole with (mostly) good intentions. but strap urselves in, let’s keep going, bring some snacks for the ride.

i figure he’s an only child, and grew up relatively poor until about the age of 14 where his parents came into some unexpected wealth. so he has felt and seen injustice all around him, which is part of why he chose to get into law. however, there’s a sense of irony to it, his righteousness is often clouded by his double standards. he cheats, but expects loyalty. his wit can turn vile and hurt people, but criticism hits him at his core. he wants to fight for justice ( oh that’s his tarot card, it’s like when they say the movie title in the movie.. good one naj haha x ) but turns a blind eye to crime.

some years later the newfound wealth got to his fathers’ head. he ended up feeling like he was owed more than what he had and would eventually seek it elsewhere than his family. it lead to a painful divorce and haven growing a deep hatred for his father. a hatred he wasn’t even aware he had been capable of. anytime they would get together, bitter words would fill the room. as time passed, words didn’t feel like they cut deep enough. so when his dad entered a new marriage, haven made it his personal mission to destroy it. ( he slept with his step-mom!!!! ihave tried to write this sentence eight times i cannot formulate it it is 4 am rn just get my jist NVPSNODVDS ). he had no intention of telling anyone what he had done. it was enough for haven to know that he had destroyed something near and dear to his father’s heart.

HONESTLY i’ve been thinking about it for hoooooours and i have no idea how haven would have gotten into witchcraft, so my idea is to put it in my plot post that one of your characters got him into it?? i’m thinking he could have been in a slump and looking for a higher purpose?? cnsodcnsdocn i’ll figure out the kinks give me a minute

so present day. dude’s a law major, takes pride in his work and does it diligently. only thing is he somehow still manages to go out most nights and end up in different beds than he woke up in.

well.. that was mostly negative NVPDSONVDV so let’s just look at some positives yeah? he will stand up for what he feels is right and not back down. if he feels someone is being treated unfairly, nothing can stop him from letting it be known. if someone gets close to him, he will protect them fiercely. that’s when loyalty transcends his personal ethics. you could call it blind loyalty, but haven is well aware of what he’s doing. he’s an observer, reads people quite well. he’s a tough nut to crack, but once you do, there’s a lot of genuineness to him. it will show in moments and flashes.

sarcasm and wit. i am so sorry, it just bleeds out of me. NCPSOCNSDC

i really might think of more later, but i’ll let it be known if i update this.. also what a mess pls don’t @ me about it x

#♢⁏ ⁀ ( ooc ).#hawk;intro #that's the tag right #i'm sorffffffffff tiredd

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cuddly-bakugo · 4 years

Note

Hiii! I’m new and shy and very excited about this, and also don’t know how to interact like a normal human, so excuse my lack of social tact 🥺 Would you be interested in writing something where Bakugou trains so much that he stops spending time with s/o (and maybe Todoroki and Izuku accidentally keep blowing them off for Momo and Uraraka?) but like she’s really insecure and starts thinking she isn’t good enough? (Happy ending tho...) Only if you want to! From someone who loves your writing 💜

A/n: This ask made my entire day so thank you for this! 🥰🥰Also I felt you on the part where you mentioned you don’t know how to interact like a normal human!✨✨ I’m so glad you love my writing and if you ever need anything don’t be scared to send an ask or message me!! I'm sorry I finished this at like 2 am. I'm sorry if I strayed too far from what you wanted. It does have a happy ending!

I’m Not Going Anywhere

3 days.

rishima. He has been ignoring all of your texts and just leaving you on read. You were starting to feel like he didnt care about you anymore. The same thing was happening with your best friends Todoroki and Midoriya.Every chance they had they would go of to spend time with Momo and Ochako. Honestly you were both jealous of how Momo and Chako were getting to spend time with their lovers while Katsu was ignoring you, and angry that basically everyone you like has been ditching you to do other fun things while your left to sit alone in your room in the dark. This was making you feel like no one liked you anymore and that you were boring. You felt like all of your friends had found people better than you. You decided to try and text your boyfriend again.

You: Hey Bakugo. What are you doing right now.

Bakubae: Im training with Kiri still.

You: I miss you.

*Read*

Once again your lover left you on read. You were wondering if he was telling the truth about training with Kiri. Maybe he was actually cheating on you and just using Kirishima as an excuse. You got up and went to Kirishima's room to see if you were right or if you were just worrying as usual. You knocked on his door, no answer. You knock again and hear him yell from inside “coming!” when he opens the door and sees your sad face he gets worried. “Y/n-Chan what's wrong!” he says and it makes you finally feel like someone cares about you but at the same time it fills you with despair knowing Katsuki just lied to you.

How long had he been doing this. What was he doing? Why would he lie to you? “So Katsu isn’t training with you.” you muttered as tears came to your eyes.

“No i havent trained with him since last friday.” He said obviously realizing there was something wrong.

“Do you have any idea of where he might be? He told me he was training with you.” You whisper trying not to ugly cry all over Kirishima.

“I’m sorry I dont know but let me call him for you.” he whispers now too as he invites you into his room to wait.

He grabs his phone and calls Kastsuki. bakugo answers as soon as it rings. “Hey bro whats up?”

you cant hear what he says but fromm the look on Kiris face its not very good. then in the middle of Katsu’s scentence Kirishima hangs up and slowly sets his phone back on his night stand. “Come on we have to go get him from 1B’s dorms.”

You swear you can hear your heart stop beating for a minute. Then you can't stop the tears from falling, Kirishima hugs you and tells you everything is going to be ok. This should be him. This should be your boyfriend. This should be Katsuki. But the cold hard truth is that its not. Its his best friend who's been there for you twice as many times as he ever has. and now you find out he was at the 1B dorms this whole time while he lied to you. You start thinking about all the girls in 1B who are prettier than you like Setsuna and Pony.You finally realize you never stood a chance against such attractive women. You were too kind for Katsukis angry personality, he wanted someone with more fire than he had. You were too innocent for his tastes. When you were walking kirishima held your hand trying his best to convince you it wasn't as bad as you were making it but you weren't actually listening. When you got there Bakugo was waiting on the porch. He didn't expect Kiri to bring you along with him. He clearly just saw you holding hands with his best friend. The second you realized you were holding his hand you quickly pulled your hand off of his. Right as you were about to say something to Bakugo he starts speaking,” Since you too seem to be all lovey dovey tonight I'll walk myself back.” You swear you feel your heart shatter in your chest right there.

“Its not what you think bro she was just worried about you! You havent talked to her in 3 days!” Kirishima yells back at him. You just stand there silently as tears fall. you feel so tired like if you cry anymore youd go blind.

“ “Just worried” my ass you two were holding hands! Bet you proabbly had your hands all over her before you came here.” He said angrily. Was... Was he drunk? You sat down on the cold hard cement as Kirishima ran to catch up with bakugo, and hopefully to talk some sense into him. Kirishima noticed as soon as he got close to bakugo. Yes, He was indeed drunk.

“Bro come on your just drunk do you really think that she would cheat on you with me? come on dude can’t you tell shes been crying! This is so unmanly of you to ignore her then accuse her of cheating on you! What were you doing here anyways and where did you get that alcohol? If anyone has a right to think your cheating it would her!” Kirishima was at his last straw with bakugo. He was ready to just pick you up and carry you back to the doorm and to keep you away from his drunk, dumbass friend.

“I dont even remember how i ended up there. All i remember is Monoma talking shit about our class again then its all just kind of blurry.” As he finished his phone went off Kirishima snatched it and ran. He looked at the notification. It was from Kendo. it said “Hope you had fun cutie cant wait to see you tomorrow (kissy face heart eyes emoji)” His heart hurt for you as he ran to show you.You saw right before Bakugo took it away.

“whats that about?” you manage to rasp out. your still crying the tears never really stopped.

“I dont know everything that happened is just blurry to me.”He says feeling a little guilty for accusing you of cheating after he himself had done it too.

“Do you... Do you love her?” you ask with your voice now a little louder than a whisper.

“No.” Kirishima just falls to the ground and hugs you hoping to comfort you some, but that just pisses bakugo off.

“Nothing happened.” you state as bakugo looks at you confused.

“ What do you mean?” he says rudely.

“Between Kirishima and I. Nothing Happened other than hugging and hand holding. He was just trying to comfort me when you couldnt be there for me. Just like right now. He's the one hugging me but it should be you. Hes the one rubbing my back and telling me everything is going to be ok. Hes the one doing everything you arent. Even though your standing right there watching me cry your doing nothing. Kirishima is making me feel like I mean something. You, you just make me feel like I’m nothing but a toy. Like you only like me because I have a pretty face. Let me tell you something Katsuki. Just because Ihave a pretty face doesn't give you the right to treat me like I'm useless... like I do nothing for you except look pretty... like I can't cry because that would be too embarrassing for you. Kirishima is being everything you arent right now. He is being a man. You,all your being is a fucking coward katsuki. You cant even come out and say it to my face that you cheated. The text she sent is soilid evidence. You havent even appologised. You dont think you did it just because you dont remember but you did. annd this is the mess you got yourself into.” Katsuki was in full on tears now crying on his knees in front of you because he knows everything your saying is true and that right now his best friend was being the boyfriend he could never be. he could never drop his huge ego and all of his pride for even a second to see if you were happy or if youneeded anything. deep down in his heart he knew that Kirishima was better fit to be your boyfriend than he ever was.

Katsuki.

There you go again saying his name except this time it hurts.

Katsuki!

Why did you sound so close yet so far away?

Katsuki! Katsuki!

What was going on? Was he dying?

“KATSUKI FOR FUCKS SAKE WAKE UP!”

Katsuki shot up in bed and started crying. You just hugged him as tight as you could and let him cry onto your shoulder. When he finally calmed down you spoke up.”Baby whats wrong? Did you have a nightmare? I woke you up because you kept screaming my name.”

“Yeah. I had a nightmare about loosing you. except everything was my fault. I got super drunk and cheated on you with Kendo. I kept ignoring you and Kirishima was there for you. and I think you ended up leaving me for him.” He said while hugging you as tight as he could just to make sure this was real.

“Well its ok now babe im here for you and im not going anywhere ever again Katsuki.”

A/n: hope you liked it. I’m sorry if it’s not really what you wanted I kinda just started writing and whatever happened happened I tried my best sorry if there’s som spelling errors!

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mental-health-advice · 5 years

Text

Submission from Tina

(pls tag this with tina) hello i recently started driving lessons for a car and its made me realise i have a problem being around men ( i feel like its from childhood trauma)

the instructor i have is horrible in general and i cant switch him anymore and it makes me so uncomfortable just to be there alone in the car with him for 2 hours and im really bad at driving it turns out and hes just making it even worse.

before each driving lesson i just get this feeling of dread for the whole day and its making me cut myself again intensely (i was clean for like 2 years) i feel physixallt sick and icant help it afterwards i always just come home crying i dont know how will i kast through 20 hours of this its impacting me very badly in other areas too and my mental health is quickly goinf very bad again even to considering suicide

the problem goes with any older man including my own father and i also feel the same dread if ihave to go somewhere alone with him. ir doesnt happen with people my age though

the problem is i cant tell my parents at all they would not care (i know this from past experiences w mental health) and i really have no idea what to do. my mom does know that the instructor isnt rlly that good for driving lessons. my brother had the same instructor and she said he always came home devastated too. she thinks im havinf the same problem (which is a part of it too) but she doesnt realise my problem goes deeper than that and i cant help it. she also kniws i used to cut mtself and i cant tell her im doing it again. telling her wouldnt really do much anyways since she didnt do anything last time either

especially if i told anyone that part of why im doing so bad is because i realised i cant be alone with men because i feel so uncomfortable i would just get mocked and brushed off but im struggling so much with this and i feel so stupid i do not know how im going to last through 20 hours od this (possibly. more)

Hey lovely,

I’m really sorry to hear that this has been going on! Regardless of where your issues with being around men are coming from, they are valid! There doesn’t have to be a full ready explanation. You are struggling with it and that should be taken seriously.

It isn’t good that these driving lessons are affecting you so much. Being two years clean is an absolutely amazing achievement!! I truly hope that you can get back to staying clean soon, because you truly do not deserve to harm yourself so much. Do you remember what helped you stop harming yourself two years ago? For me, it’s always been distractions, so that I can postpone harming myself by doing something else instead. Alternatives can also be very helpful, as they can help reduce the urge to harm yourself. Of course you do need to have motivation to fight against the urges, which is why it can be really good to make your own personal list with reasons not to harm. Do you remember why you wanted to stop harming yourself two years ago?

Since having these driving lessons has been affecting you so much, I really don’t think it would be good to continue them. You mention that you can’t switch him anymore, why is that? I just want to think along to see if there’s an option!

This seems to be an ongoing issue, and that’s why I would strongly recommend you to reach out for professional help. You really don’t have to deal with this all by yourself! You can visit your GP / local doctor and explain to them briefly what’s been going on. They can arrange a referral to a therapist, psychiatrist, counsellor, or other mental health professional. You read more about getting help here. I don’t know how old you are, so it’s also worth looking into what is possible without your parents’ approval or knowledge. I’m really sorry to hear that last time they didn’t seem to care! I truly hope that they do care but that they simply don’t know how to show it. Sometimes when someone doesn’t know a lot about mental health issues, they can have the perspective of ‘if we ignore it, it won’t really be true’. Understandably, it doesn’t work like that, but for us struggling it can feel awful for our struggles to be ignored in that way. Especially since for us it’s impossible to ignore it.

You mention that your mum didn’t really do anything last time she knew you were harming yourself. Again, I’m sorry to hear that! Maybe a more direct approach from your side would be helpful though? You could open up to her about self-harm and explain why you need professional help right now and how you will go about receiving that. Then it’s less something that your mum needs to do, but it’s more about her knowing what you’re doing, if that makes sense? It puts you both in a different role.

This really isn’t stupid at all though. You mention that how you feel around men could stem from childhood trauma. That indeed is possible, though it’s not something we can confirm or deny. The only way you’ll know for certain is if at some point some memories come up. But even if this doesn’t stem from childhood trauma, it still isn’t stupid! You see, in the society we live in nowadays, there’s so many stories and reports of bad things happening. It’s understandable that this causes fear. And this might affect some more than others and that’s okay. I just really hope you can work towards not being as affected by it, so that you won’t be struggling as much. You deserve that!

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard. Love Pauline

#tina #mental health #advice #advice blog #cutting #self harm #driving #driving lessons #trauma #childhood trauma #men #suicide #suicidal thoughts #suicidal ideation #family #mhapauline

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walkers-warriorsandangels · 7 years

Text

The Overwatch/Angels are Dicks Ch. 5

Ok, so I have lost track of how long it has been since the last chapter. However here it is, the latest installment. This whole thing has been a relearning process, and I think I might have it close to pinned down with this chapter. Hope you enjoy!

WARNING; THIS STORY CONTAINS SOME OR ALL OF THE FOLLOWING

Mentions of violence

Gore

Foul language

Innuendos

Stressful/Traumatic situations

You try to understand the information you’ve been given, but it really doesn’t make sense. You decide to return your attention back the threat outside, a mere four maybe five houses away. The woman had been brought to her feet and restrained by two of the Saviors. Negan was pacing and swinging Lucille playfully, taunting the male on his knees with the occasional swing for the fences.

“He’s going to kill him with that baseball bat isn’t he…” Sam asked with concern. “It’s hard to tell with Negan. He’s unpredictable as fuck!” You fearfully responded. The scene up the street appeared to be wrapping up with both runners surviving. Suddenly, with no apparent provocation, Negan took a massive swing with Lucille. Lucille made a solid connection with the left side of the guy’s head who was in the midst of standing. The blow took him off his feet. You notice a literal red mist from the blood exploding into the air, the headlights glow a grim crimson. “HOLY SHIT!!” Dean nearly shouts, “That was an insane hit! Did you see that Sammy?!?” “Yeah Dean, I saw it,” Sam responded with concern. “I saw something else too Dean…” Sam paused as if he didn’t trust what he had seen. “Well don’t leave me hangin Sam! What, did he not rotate his hips or something?” Dean retorted with a sarcastic but worried tone. Sam took a deep breath and spoke incredulously “Dean, I saw yellow eyes…”

With disbelief all over his face Dean says, “You’re shitting me Sam. Come on, that’s even less possible, I shot that son of a bitch myself with the Colt years ago!”

“I know what I saw Dean!” Sam angrily rebutted. You interrupt the argument growling, “Look, I don’t know what the flying fuck you two are talking about, but keep it the fuck down!! Unless you want to end up like that guy over there!” The brothers look at you and nod in understanding. You return to the graphic scene outside. Negan, repeatedly beating the now limp body of the male runner. After what seemed like hours, Negan finally stopped. He began to pace before his congregation, passionately delivering a sermon of obedience. He raised the bloodied bat in the air and waved it in a circle, and everyone loaded up and the Saviors leave.

Approximately a half hour goes by before anyone is comfortable speaking, in fear of being discovered. Finally, you broke the silence. “Will someone please FUCKING explain to me what in the HELL you two were fighting over?!” You spoke with an angry but concerned tone. The Winchesters looked at each other as if they were having a conversation, deciding who was going to tell you what you wanted to know. Eventually Dean speaks up. “Look, y/n, what I’m about to tell you is gonna sound insane. Not I partied too hard last weekend insane, but lock you up in a padded room heavily medicated till you’re drooling on yourself insane.“ Sam interjected, "I think y/n gets the idea Dean.“ Dean fired back, "I know Sam, I just want y/n to understand why this is a big deal.“ Dean continued, "it started when Sammy here was just a baby……” Dean went on and spoke about the yellow eyed demon that killed their mother, how obsessed their father became with finding and killing it. He spoke about the Colt and how a single shot could kill any monster. Dean said with deep emotion, “I was in the hospital after a car wreck, things… Things weren’t looking that great for me. So, our dad made a deal with ole yellow eyes to keep me alive. A life for a life, but that wasn’t enough, no, Yellow Eyes wanted the Colt too, and to save my life, he gave the demon everything he wanted.” Dean paused for a bit, and Sam stepped in.

“ The demon was trying to raise an army for Lucifer and a bunch of us the demon chose were gathered up for a battle royale to decide who was going to lead this so-called army.”Sam carried on with the story, that he died and how Dean traded his soul for his life. He mentioned that Sam Colt built a massive devils trap around a “Hell Gate” and the key to said gate just so happened to be the infamous kill-anything Colt revolver.

“Once the gate was opened, we saw our dad grab yellow eyes so Dean could take the shot with the Colt, killing Yellow Eyes. Or that’s what we thought up until today.” Sam’s words were filled with confusion and frustration.

The boys had been through a lot, you thought to yourself. You hoped that it was just a coincidence that Negan looked like their father. Dean came to relieve you from your watch duties. You couldn’t help but ask him.

“Is there a possibility that the demon somehow tricked you guys and came here?”

Dean sat and thought for a brief moment before answering. “Honestly, with the hell we’ve been through, anything is possible anymore.”

Sam hurried in from the other room, “Dean, what y/n said, makes sense.”

Dean snipped back,” Well Sammy, do you care to explain how the damn Colt didn’t kill Yellow Eyes?”

“Well, actually it’s a stretch but, it could explain a lot of things, even the zombies here!” Sam retorted with an intelligent smirk. “Okay, remember when that demon told you yellow eyes name?”

“Yeah, Azazel.” Dean responded inquisitively. “So what?”

“Well, I’ve been doing research on the name for a while now and everything I’ve been pulling up is angel related. As in, Azazel was one of the original fallen angels,” Sam answered.

“Okay Sam, that’s fascinating and all, but what the hell does that have to do with what we are dealing with right now?” Dean quickly quipped.

Sam was on his heels with a response. “Well, can you name an angel that has pulled a fast one on us? More than one damn time?”

Dean sat there for a moment contorting his face while trying to recall information. Sam beats him with an answer.

“Gabriel, Dean. Remember? He was posing as the trickster, and made us think we killed him multiple times before revealing to us his true identity as a former Arch Angel!”

“I’m still not on the same page Sammy. Can we just get to the point?” Dean recanted irritably.

Sam rolled his eyes before explaining. “Okay, so like I said this is a stretch, but, what if Azazel made it look like we took him out with the Colt to get us off his trail. Then when in the clear he bolted here with dad and somehow created this nightmare? If lucifer can send us here as a fallen angel, why couldn’t Azazel?”

Dean stood up and paced, digesting the information. “SON OF A BITCH!”

If you’re still here, thank you for reading. Idid have more fun with this part.I feel likeI have the ball rolling a little better now andI might be able to get more chapters out faster than Ihave been. As always I am open to constructive criticism, and in the near future I will be making a master list so that this will be easier to follow.

#fanfic #spn fanfic #twd fanfiction #SPN/TWD crossover #twd negan #spn john winchester

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redvelvetvenom-blog · 7 years

Text

the only thing i could be jealous of you for is your is your 10k fake tits

some days it hurts more than others but today it hurts more than anything to write, i dont want to do it/ todays like one of those days where i dont feel like myself. but today is also one of the first days this year that i have woken up and known what day of the week it is. todays also one of the first days i was productive. yeah, i cant believe it. actually i can. i mean look where i am. writing is the only way i can communicate effectively with people... when im talking i feel like im always searching for words or saying to much or not saying how i really feel. i feel like im annoying the person which honestly i dont really care about but in relationships where it matters i usually just isolate myself and ignore them because the thought of being misunderstood which is my reality scares me to death and makes me furious and just give up. i havent been writing and i feel like my brain is in this disgusting knot i dont recognize. im focused on irrelevant shit like jen and her lies and my nails and bleaching my asshole (actually that one is important) and making peter not think im 12, and stewart losing interest in me, when im completely apathetic about my future and my physical and mental heath and making friends or having a job. its gross. i am gross. although i am the most attractive i have ever been i am also the most ugly and un put together on the inside as ihave ever been. its funny cause a year ago when i was writing and also dealing with a lot of loss, and going for days without sleep, dealing with my rape (more than one unfortunelty), and completely losing it due to the dope, i was somehow okay because i was writing. its like my own self medication. without writing my thoughts, its like i cant speak or think. and so maybe that sounds stupid but i cant explain how good it feels, as scary as it was to start, to speak again. i was so scared. i wouldnt admit it to myself, i just would ignore it all together. but i was so fucking scared to write, to type to be more specific. i could write in my diary, that would be slow and my hand would hurt and id NEVER be able to catch up to my thoughts. and thats been this whole year. its been a whole year. tina is a bully. i dont like her, but i feel like i cant live without her, and being an ex heroin addict, i feel pretty stupid saying that. but i am not a functional drug addict. some people are. infact, most people on here tumblr, “tumblr tweaker girls” or whatever or hashtag tweaker nation seem like they are doing more than just fine. like it hasnt completely destroyed their life like it has mine. but its funny because i was one. atleast until some dude decided to start blackmailing me because he found my page but he is irrelavant and so is that and not worth my time to talk about. moral of the story: dont bitch if you post videos on tumblr of you smoking meth in your bra. its not private, even if your tumblr is. anyone can figure out how to get the software to download your videos or pictures or whatever. well besides the obvious screenshot. anyways, ive come to the long and painful but unavoidable conclusion that stewart is not worth my time and wasnt since he moved up there. i should have never talked to him after the car incident because as much as i love him and it hurts, that was not fucking acceptable and me doing meth isnt an excuse for him to take it personally and lash out on me or punish me by pretending i dont exist. i just had so much happen and with all of that came low self esteem and with all the lies i was telling it was IMPOSSIBLE for me to feel good about myself. i guess it comes with borderline personality disorder but all that shit is nonsense to me because theyre going to find anything they can wrong with people and slap a name on it and then tell you your not normal. everyones fucked up, i am extremely fucked up and im okay with that. i cant understand it all now, fuck im only 20. up until this year i was ashamed of everything i did and everything that made me who i am, and its so hard to break out of that. in all honesty, i still dont really believe i am beautiful with or without makeup and thats fucking not true but i am insecure. but in the grand scheme of things, life is way to short to feel bad about yourself the way i do. i know that. life is to short to be in a haze trying to forget about everything and going through the motions, as lame as that sounds. ive been doing that and ive been waiting to die subcontiously because the truth is i dont really value my life like i should and i havent learned how to be happy on my own. i am the most materialistic person i know, and that unlike everything else i am not ashamed of because i know that it is so far rooted me that theres no use in denying it or being embarrassed because its not my fault, its the only way i know how to feel better. its always been. but the fact that i constantly feel like i need something to fill this hole is getting ridiculous and so is my shoplifting. i am way to fucking good at it and i have gotten away with it to many times to where its become my biggest addiction. i didnt really even notice it till a few months ago. ive noticed that everyone who does dope has a hustle, well almost everyone. atleast of the people i know. some of them are stupid, others are brilliant but not thought out as well as they could be or excecuted in the right manner, and some are like the expected, selling drugs or your pussy. i kind of am ashamed because my “hustle” is retarded, and i want a job more than anything. unfortunately my social security card has been stolen 3 times already this year and i cant get another one, i cant even dance. i dont know how it started, but for about a year now, ive just been living off whoever i could, and the bare minimum. bare minimum is a broad term, because somehow i still have a car and a cat and expensive makeup, an iphone 7,hair products and my drug habbit supplied, but i dont know for how long. ok. honestly time. i dont like it anymore than i like the fact that i am a slave to this chemical but i have spent the last year filling my days with going from store to store stealing shit. anything from iphone cases to shoes to greeting cards to lingerie, you get it. ive gone into several stores and filled up my shopping cart and then just walked out. im not bragging.. its pathetic. in fact im sure no one is reading this anyway and im more than okay with that. the point of this page is for me and to be able to keep a record of my thoughts without having to worry about anyone i know reading it and so i can go back and read it, like an online diary. i got the idea from jenna from awkward but im not sure what she used for hers. i used to have one but had to delete my page because of all the drug related pictures and videos i had posted of myself, which unfortunately i can still find on youtube or here if i really try. i am ashamed, but a little less then before i wrote all of this. this is my truth. and my voice and my last little shred of sanity i have to cling onto because its the only way i know how and i dont even feel like i know or trust myself anymore. if you dont want to read this then please dont waste your time, the less followers the more i can make sense of this war inside my mind.. also please no messages trying to help me or anything, its annoying and i dont need your help. thanks, its 9am and im passing the fuck out. goodnight. more for nxt time <3 bbygrlldz

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