#ik this may result in less people being able to & also wanting to see my posts

[hee-blee-art]

hi friends. I'm going on indefinite hiatus for while. in the meantime, I'm going to be queuing a lot of my drafts and some sketches, but for several reasons my blog/posts will look a bit different, and be less accessible (specifically less/no ids and less tags). I sincerely apologize for this & I hope those of you who can will be flexible with me as I continue to share my work within my current limitations, even though its not ideal. all the best to you & yours <3

[letters-of-libertas]

Energy to carry as a single childfree woman

Summary here

Be more self reliant

You dont have to do everything on your own but you need to be able to count on yourself because for the most part that's all you'll have even as you're around others.

Have more intent with actions

Time & energy is valuable. Where you pour these things into steer the course of your life. Give your time & energy to things that help you (and other likeminded women if you want). You dont have to analyse every action you take but occasionally check in with how/if the actions you're taking are helping to build a foundation for your life as a single childfree woman. Things like donating to female centric causes, improving yourself so you can give yourself (& other women) more, organising/engaging in female centric women only spaces - even if they're just online, goes a long way to set the scene. Even indulging in your hobbies. Dont waste your time on things that wont help you or your motives.

Be more resourceful

Contrary to popular belief this lifestyle isn't a walk in the park, there's a lot more you have to account for especially with a level of reduced support. Being able to adapt/improvise + think ahead to mitigate problems will serve you long term. Also generally building up your resources will make getting through hard times easier.

Living my truth > proving my truth

You dont need others stamp of approval to live this way - just get started ! Convincing others is a waste of time your actions (& results) will speak for you anyways.

Reduce giving benefit of doubt

I once saw a quote "giving others benefit of doubt has never benefitted me" and it rings so true. Giving people benefit of doubt rarely ever works in your favour, the red flags that are downplayed often come back to bite you when you least expect it so trust your instincts on matters. If something is off about something or someone; start backing up. Also pure naïvety is rare, people often know more than they let on so trust + act on your instincts on matters if something feels off.

Be proactive

Instead of just constantly reacting to everything around you; take action no matter how small, it'll pay off more than just outrage. Spend less time on social media reacting to the never ending evil of xys and spend more time building for yourself. Social media can be informative but it can also be an echo chamber that breeds reactionary politics which doesn't move things forward. Ik this is ironic because you're reading this on social media but I'm not saying get rid of it all, just reduce your time on it - particularly around reading & reacting to maIe evil. Focus on tangible things in your life you can control & build instead for yourself and womankind.

Invest in indifference

Taking everything to heart will hurt you. Constant anger/hatred to maIes & their bs is still centering them especially if all you do is react. I'm not saying completely ignore it as they target us & a level of awareness is important, but dont let these feelings consume you. Being indifferent will let you look at things at a face value & make more levelled judgement. It helped my mental health a lot in regards to the climate to grow indifferent, this includes towards maIe identified women and even other types of discrimination like racists, ableists, etc. All theory around maIe violence essentially boils down to them being dangerous parasitic terrorists to not be trusted. I move with this & go. I see through them, I dont argue or waste unnecessary emotional energy on them, I dont care for them to understand me, I dont care to prove them wrong (bc in the end it wont matter all you do is give them more cards to play with; this system isnt erected through logic but violence), I have other stuff in my life to focus on. I cant help the way the world is I can only focus on myself & my actions. Typically the best comebacks arise when you dont give a shit. It wont happen in a day but learn to manage your feelings. Be indifferent to what you cant control, flower what you can control. These comments from the female separatist subreddit explain this well.

Learn to prioritise

Contrary to popular belief we can't have it all. Some are able to do so because they've got wives or staff covering sectors of their lives so they can pour more time into other aspects of their lives like business or leisure. But you wont have that privilege rn so some things will have to take a hit. This is also why you need to be selfish with your time. Things like being resourceful to automate/delegate tasks will buy you time but it's still important to be selfish with your time because as you put time in one area, another area loses time. You need to pick what matters. You cannot give your time away to everyone; make time for yourself & your objectives.

Less theory more action

Having a basis of theory/belief is a good place to start but dont get stuck there.

It's okay to be wrong

Mistakes will be made. Experience is how we learn and grow. Go about your business unabashedly.

Obviously not an exhaustive list but these are some main points that come to mind.

[rainbowwing251]

Umm... If you don’t mind, headcanons of both Corrins...? You can say no if you want...

I bet people are getting tired of me saying things like this, but I haven’t played Fire Emblem Fates. However, I think I have obtained enough knowledge of the games to create headcanons for both of the Corrins.

But before I begin, I want to warn everyone that this answer may contain spoilers for Fire Emblem Fates. I don’t know how big these spoilers are, but please proceed with caution.

With that, onto the headcanons.

Before I get started with the tickle-related headcanons, I want to give a few non-tickle-related headcanons:

I tend to refer to male Corrin as Corrin and female Corrin as Kamui (the Japanese name for both of the Corrins). This is meant to clear up any potential confusion that may occur if I have to write anything that involves putting the two of them together. I believe I have mentioned this in my St. Patrick’s Day post, but this is just a reminder.

In my headcanons, Corrin has sided with Hoshido, and Kamui has sided with Nohr. For anyone that doesn’t know much about Fire Emblem Fates, this means that Corrin has chosen the Birthright route, and Kamui has chosen the Conquest route.

So with those headcanons out of the way, onto the tickle-related headcanons.

To begin these headcanons, I would like to state that both Corrin and Kamui are lees in my headcanons. The two of them are also the second most ticklish out of all of the Fire Emblem reps. First place goes to Marth, and third place goes to Roy.

Now, onto the individual headcanons, starting with Corrin.

As I mentioned a few sentences ago, Corrin is a lee, but he wasn’t like that at first.

He wasn’t given that much affection when he was younger, but Mikoto would occasionally tickle him when she had the time to be with him. Of course, that was before her death. Sumeragi, his “father”, would also tickle from time to time prior to his death (there’s a reason why I put father in quotations, but that is a major spoiler for the Revelations route in Fates).

Long story shot, he is very touch-starved, but he doesn’t realize this until his return to Hoshido after 15 years.

Upon learning that their adopted brother is ticklish, the majority of the Hoshiden siblings will target Corrin whenever they get the desire to tickle someone. Sakura, Ryoma, and Hinoka are Corrin’s main lers. Azura will also go after him from time to time.

Takumi is not a part of this list because he could care less about tickling, especially if it involves Corrin.

Of course, Sakura, Ryoma, and Hinoka are not the only lers that he has. In Smash, his main lers are Kamui, Chrom, Robin, and on rare occasions, Ike.

Corrin’s worst spots are his feet, sides, and ears. If he is about to transform into a dragon, he will expose another weak spot, which is the base of his tail.

He doesn’t fight back all that much when he’s being tickled. He doesn’t see a reason to do so, since tickling fulfills his desire for physical affection.

Be careful when you tickle him, though, because he might try to tickle you back. This guy is a sucker for tickle fights, and his love for them came from the constant tickle fights that he used to get into with his siblings.

Considering how naive Corrin is, he believed that tickling was harmless. No one ever told him that tickle torture was a thing, and he had to learn about it the hard way when he was nearly tickled into unconsciousness by his Nohr siblings. After that incident, he was not comfortable with tickling for a long while. Luckily, his Hoshiden siblings were able to get him to warm up to tickling again.

As a ler, Corrin is incredibly playful. He is a big fan of nibbling on people’s skin to tickle them, but if his lee is uncomfortable with that, he’ll use light tickles instead.

If nibbling is allowed, then he will gently nibble on people’s earlobes. If he doesn’t get a reaction, then his next target will be the neck. If he still doesn’t get a reaction after that, then he’ll go for their stomach.

Overtime, he learns that nibbling on someone’s stomach will almost always cause a reaction, so he ends up targeting that spot first.

He will also use his tail to tickle other people if he’s about to turn into a dragon. He loves to poke other people with his tail, finding joy in the way they flinch.

In Hoshido, Corrin’s main lees are Sakura and Ryoma. In Smash, his main lees are Kamui, Marth, Roy, Chrom, and on some occasions, Lucina.

He’ll also go after Shulk and Pit if he’s in the mood for tickling someone by nibbling on their skin. These two are VERY weak to nibbling, and this makes the two of them a perfect target in Corrin’s eyes.

Moving on to Kamui, she is also a lee, as I mentioned towards the beginning of these headcanons. However, her experiences with tickling are different from Corrin’s.

Kamui is also quite touch-starved, and she didn’t even notice it at first. Or at least, that was the case for a small portion of her life, until she was kidnapped by Garon and brought to Nohr.

As she grew up in Nohr, she learned about tickle torture from her siblings. The good news is that they would never use this against Kamui, and they would tickle her as if she was their biological sister.

Unfortunately, Camilla, Leo, Xander, and Elise made a bit of a mistake by teaching Kamui about tickle torture before they ever started tickling her. The whole concept had somewhat tainted the concept of tickling for her. She still loved it when she got tickled by her “siblings”, but in the back of her mind, she was fearful of a possible tickle torture session. As a result of this fear, she will do her best to escape from her siblings whenever they got the desire to tickle someone.

It took a long time for the Nohrian family to convince Kamui that they wouldn’t subject her to tickle torture. After a ton of tickle sessions from them, Kamui finally realized that she was safe from a tickle torture session, and she began to experience lee moods for the first time in her life.

Kamui’s worst spots include her feet (the only worst spot she shares with her male counterpart), her stomach, and her hips. When she’s about to transform into a dragon, she’ll end up exposing another worst spot: the base of her wings.

She is a bit more fighty than Corrin is, mainly because of her fear of tickle torture. If you tickle her enough times, she’ll eventually realize that you are not a threat to her, and she will try her best to restrain herself while you tickle her.

If you are tickling the base of her wings, watch out. Her wings will flap a lot while you’re tickling her there, and she might hit you in the face on accident. If that does happen, then she’ll apologize for it.

Unlike her male counterpart, she doesn’t like to tickle her ler back, unless she knows them very well. She’s afraid that this move will turn an ordinary tickle attack into a tickle torture session.

In Nohr, her main lers are Xander, Camilla, Leo, and Elise. Just like Corrin, Azura might tickle her on rare occasions.

In Smash, her main lers are Corrin, Chrom, Robin, Ike, and on some occasions, Lucina.

She isn’t as playful as Corrin is when she is the ler, but she still finds enjoyment out of making others laugh.

She doesn’t nibble people like her male counterpart does. Instead, she uses the claws that she gets when she’s about to turn into a dragon. She’ll be sure to keep the tickling light and gentle, which works wonders on those who are weak to that type of tickling.

She also enjoys poking people with her tail, just like Corrin.

In Nohr, her main lees are Elise and Leo. In Smash, she will target Corrin, Marth, Roy, Chrom, and Robin.

[portraitoftheoddity]

Ik this is out of the blue, but if you wanna talk about Loki I have a question. I'm having trouble writing him because he seems to always do things that are contrary to what he wants. He wants Thor to love him so he... Constantly betrays Thor and tries to kill him. It's difficult to get potential friends/love interests past the barbed wire fence he's put around himself. I was wondering what you think of that? Because I just really like hearing you talk about Loki. If you want.

*cracks knuckles* Awwwww, yesssss, here is my jam.

(I’ll be focusing on MCU!Loki here as comics!Loki hasn’t been stabbing Thor all that much lately so I’m guessing he’s not the subject of this ask.)

You’ve already touched on a really core component of Loki’s character, anon, which is that he is a great big mess of Contradictions with a capital C. He wants to be loved. He wants to be feared. He wants to destroy and he wants to be a savior. He wants the throne, and he just wants to be an equal. His methods and actions often seem at odds with his stated desires and goals. And for all that he’s depicted as the ‘god of chaos’ because of the results of his villainy, you could just as easily make an argument for the chaos being internal.

Frigga, who probably knows Loki best of anyone, makes a very poignant observation when she notes that Loki is “always so perceptive about everyone but [himself].” And I think this gets at the core of Loki’s character in a lot of ways – After having his world fall apart from under him in the first Thor movie, Loki has no idea who he is, what his role is, or what he wants. And in that state of conflict, he’s prone to undermining himself at every turn. He ‘wants’ to take over the Earth, but then forms a strategy for the invasion that’s easily thwarted. He ‘wants’ to be loved by his family, but constantly pushes them away. Possibly because he’s so angry and bitter that spite motivates him more than his own best interests. Possibly because he has a lot of self loathing (“I’m the monster parents tell their children about at night”) and subconsciously punishes himself. And possibly because he’s terrified of successfully getting what he thinks he wants and still being unhappy – which… given his plan in Thor did successfully get Thor out of the way and Loki on the throne and still wound up being one of the worst weeks in his life, is a rather understandable fear. He also seems to be acting out of fear anytime someone gets too close and is in a position to help him, as Loki subsequently turns on them almost defensively, like he’s trying to pre-empt any betrayal they might inflict on him by inflicting it on them first (See: “Sentiment.” / “You’re not.” / “Easier to let it burn.”)

A notable constant in Loki’s characterization is that he craves attention. So much of his bitterness comes from being constantly eclipsed by Thor his whole life, and feeling unseen (“I remember a shadow”). In Avengers, Tony recognizes that Loki is “a full-tilt diva.” At his trial in The Dark World, Loki is all about putting on a show of snark and bravado, because even negative attention is still attention – and while Odin gives him the satisfaction of yelling at him, his sentencing is a cruel outcome for Loki, since he’s imprisoned and left to be forgotten; something far worse, to him, than the drama of a public execution. We see this love of attention even more in Ragnarok, where he’s obviously indulging in making statues and plays commemorating himself, and then working his way into the Grandmaster’s inner circle. Whether he’s loved or hated, Loki is desperate not to be ignored.  

And I think that need for attention plays into a lot of his antagonism of Thor. He resents Thor for monopolizing what feels to Loki like a finite amount of love and attention in the universe. But he loves Thor all the same, as his brother and as a fixture in Loki’s life. And if he betrays Thor over and over and hurts him and gets Thor to hate him – well, it’s not as good as love, but love is almost too good to hope for and feels too fragile and ephemeral to someone with Loki’s insecurities. If he can’t count on Thor’s love, he’ll bet on his hate, because either is better than indifference. (Which is ultimately why Thor’s show of indifference toward Loki’s betrayals in Ragnarok is so damn effective – Thor not caring one way or the other is the worst outcome for Loki, and something that drives him to make a change after his plan obviously backfired.)

Another notable aspect of Loki is the degree to which he adheres to narrative roles. In the first Thor, Loki tries to be the hero – the one who kills the monsters and saves Asgard by ending the war with the frost giants, once and for all. This backfires horribly and he’s told that no, he did wrong; he realizes he’s the villain of his story, and then embraces the villainy – because if he’s gonna be the bad guy, then he’s gonna go all out when it comes to filling that role. If he’s the monster, then he’ll be monstrous. So the Loki we see in Avengers has decided that fuck it, if everyone is going to expect the worst of him, then he will be The Worst™, and be it with style. This creates something of a reinforced feedback loop, where Loki acts like a villain, people expect villainy of him, and Loki plays to their expectations.

He gets to break out of that loop in some ways early in Ragnarok, when he’s ‘dead’ and able to change the narrative around himself. As “Odin,” he reshapes his [Loki’s] story into that of a hero, and not a villain. Everyone expects him to be Odin, not Loki, so with no expectations of villainy on him, he behaves…. Well, a bit selfishly, totally hedonistically, and a little negligently, but not particularly villainously or maliciously. He slides back into that villain role for a while on Sakaar (he gets almost performatively villainous when Bruce shows up – I think, again, playing to the expectations of his audience), but then Thor challenges him to do better, to be different, to break out of that role.

Interestingly enough, Loki still adheres to a narrative role at the end, but it’s the one he actually wanted from the start, which is that of ‘Asgard’s Savior’ – the role he wanted when he tricked Laufey, the role he gave himself in his plays, and the way he’s actually wanted to be seen all along. Loki may not want to be a hero for selfless, altruistic reasons – but he does love Asgard, however mixed his feelings are about it, and is willing to risk his life for it. And while he revels at times in playing the villain, performative villainy is more of a consolation prize he gives himself for not being able to enjoy the adulation of heroism. 

Getting back to the idea of Loki not knowing what the hell he wants – ultimately, I think Loki is at his best at the end of Ragnarok because Thor challenges him directly to actually figure out what he wants and who he wants to be. Plus, Loki’s had time to calm down and heal a bit from his earlier traumas, so the betrayal and villainy he exhibits at that point is less of him lashing out in pain and fear, and more just… habit. Breaking that habit becomes a choice he’s given.  

(Side Note: If you want to read some amazing meta-textual exploration of narrative roles vis-a-vis comics!Loki, Loki: Agent of Asgard is an incredible series and well worth checking out.)

So, when it comes to writing Loki – I think a lot of your characterization is going to be dependent on which point of Loki’s story you’re setting your fic in. Thor-era Loki who is having an identity crisis and lashing out near-mindlessly, frightened and angry and desperate to be the hero? Avengers-era Loki, who has decided he’s going to embrace being a monster and wear his monstrosity like armor before anyone can use it against him? Dark World-era Loki, who is bitter and desperate not to be forgotten forever in the bowels of Asgard’s dungeons? Or Ragnarok Loki, who has realized he doesn’t have to be universally reviled and has the ability to change his own story, if he can get the hell out of his own damn way for five minutes?  He goes through a lot of changes, and a lot of different traumas that affect him differently. So considering your setting is important.

Another thing to think about is what does your Loki want, and what does Loki think he wants? A great narrative arc can involve getting Loki to actually realize what his success means, and whether or not he’d find any joy in it (“satisfaction is not in my nature”) – and what, on the other hand, might actually make him happy.

Regarding Loki’s relationships with other characters – you’re right that it’s tricky, what with the walls Loki puts up, and how prickly he can be. Loki’s response to having his trust shattered in Thor was to pretty much quit trusting anybody, so you’ll have to think about how that other character earns his trust. I’ve personally enjoyed playing with the idea of another character rehabilitating Loki by expecting good of him, and leveraging Loki’s tendency to play to expectations in that way. Also, while Loki acts the way people expect him to, he also forms a lot of expectations of others, so keeping him on his toes by letting the characters around him act in ways he doesn’t predict can be a way to get under that armor. Extremes of situation such as dire peril and injury are, of course, other popular tropes for putting a walled-off character in a vulnerable position where their usual defenses are not in play. And when it comes to Loki’s satisfaction (or lack thereof) – Ragnarok Loki, when given the opportunity to play the hero instead of the villain, and the opportunity to be a part of a team instead of going it alone, ultimately seizes that opportunity. I think that speaks to the desire he has, deep down, to be loved and accepted and admired over hated and feared and lonely, which another character in your fic could tap into, with enough patience and persistence. 

Loki’s a complicated mess of a character, whose identity and motivations can be difficult to grasp, largely because his own grasp of them is so tenuous and changeable. But it also makes him a really fascinating and compelling character, with a lot of layers to explore. There’s a lot of ways to interpret him – mine is just one of many interpretations, and certainly not gospel! – and I encourage you to have fun with exploring his psychology and characterization in all its messy glory, in whatever way makes most sense to you.

[fox-in-the-stars]

Akayona Magical Girls AU

Inspired by @akayonaladiesweek‘s prompts, I got sucked into worldbuilding a Magical Girls AU (which if the character designs cooperate might also fill the “Girls in Armor” prompt).

Read on for magical girls, rewritten origin legends, love-fueled superpowers, bowdlerized plot points and of course, adorable mascot-pet dragons!

In this version, the founding myth goes like this:

Long ago, five dragons lived under Heaven.  The Red Dragon moved the fiery sun through the sky, the Green Dragon stirred the winds, the Blue Dragon sent the rain, the White Dragon sent dust to make the land, and the Yellow Dragon painted the sky morning and evening.  The other dragons all had times to rest and play when their work was done, but the sun was always moving, and even when it sank below the horizon, the Red Dragon was busy all night moving it from west to east beneath the earth to have it ready for the next day.  So the other four dragons said “Why do you never play with us?  Why can’t the sun stop moving for a while?” and the Red Dragon said “That would be terrible for the ones down below.”

So the other four dragons, when they weren’t at work, looked down below, at the land where humans lived.  They saw people fighting and stealing and lying.  “These creatures are terrible,” they said.  “We should destroy them.  It will be a just punishment for their sins, and then our brother will be free to rest and play with us.”

So the four dragons went down toward the earth, but Heaven saw what they were doing.  “Such merciless arrogance,” Heaven said.  “These dragons must learn compassion.  I will let them go down, but when they arrive they will be no greater than humans — they will lose their memory of heaven, and they will be weak and mortal until they learn to cherish their fellow creatures.”

This happened at noon, when the Red Dragon had pushed the sun up to its highest, and he was so close to heaven that he heard its words, and he was shocked.  “Great Heaven,” he said, “I fear that my brothers’ punishment may only make them more bitter.  Please, let me go to them.”

“But with a god to look after them, what will they learn?” Heaven asked.

“If my brothers are no greater than humans, then I too will be no greater,” said the Red Dragon.  “Let me go down to earth as a human.”

And so it was.  The Red Dragon left the sun and sky, earth and rain and wind in the care of Heaven, and he came down to earth as a human.

(chatty summarizing resumes) When he got there, he saw how much of human suffering was due to misrule and became the Red Dragon King after all and got into trouble like in the original version, but the other dragons couldn’t come down from heaven to save him.  Although they’d lost their memories of heaven, they remembered their love for their brother, so they were drawn to help him, but first they had to learn their lesson — which they did by each bonding with a human girl (except maybe Yellow didn’t yet), Heaven decided to let them have some of their powers back because they were learning to love mortals but made it a shared power with the girls so the dragons wouldn’t get too full of themselves again, and thus the King was rescued by the first magical girls — called Dragon Guardians — and their divine dragon mascot-pets.

Yes, the dragons are the mascot-pets, and dragons who are no stronger than humans are adorable chibis as it turns out, but they’re the power unlockers.  As a Dragon Guardian forms a stronger bond with one or more dragons, it unlocks her powers as well as theirs — so the powers are driven by character development and dynamics, which strikes me as both fun and true to the genre.  At a certain level the dragons become able to transform into humans, and then there’ll be like a final ultimate level where they can appear as awesome godlike full-sized dragons.

(For practical purposes, though, I may need some kind of item that can unlock a base level of power, since I want more Guardians than I can supply dragons for.  Current idea: the origin story rescue involves a climactic moment where all the dragons, possibly including red, go into their full-sized dragon god modes, but then they decide to humble themselves to keep living among mortals and they “shed their scales” which they literally did and the scales are the items of power, which are in limited supply but there are way more than four of them, and the priests usually have the job of managing them.  Bonus in that dragon scales could be incorporated into all sorts of magical-girl-y fashion accessories.)

Anyway, moving forward to the present, since the dragons were “made mortal,” we have had generations of them (except for Yellow); being magical girl mascot pets I don’t think they reproduce sexually, a new one just appears, although when they get into human form romantic complications with humans are entirely possible.

On the one hand I want to stay relatively true to the canon story because that approach is more interesting to me personally, but on the other hand I think making this a proper magical girl story does call for some bowdlerizing. So here’s ideas:

No Game of Thrones stuff, firstly.  The big political conflict is that Kai has heard about the Dragon Guardian powers and wants them.  Yuhon hated the Dragon Guardian business and raised Soo-won to hate and disbelieve it.  This will probably be a long-game reveal, but the deal is that Yonhi was actually a Dragon Guardian and is in such poor health after being wounded in battle because the priests gave her a scale and said she was supposed to do this shit, so there’s a grudge (see also kicking out priests — although maybe it was Yuhon who got her into that battle and his lashing out is guilt-driven).  At any rate, Soo-won is very invested in not believing in and certainly not relying on the dragon guardian powers.  In this version Yuhon lost the war and was captured, and when Il went to negotiate, he was also captured (possible brothers’ reconciliation in captivity?), and as a result Soo-won just straight-up inherited the throne at a young age, which I think he could handle honestly, and he and Yona are probably betrothed at this point just to sew it up extra neat and tidy.  What sets off the story this time, I’m thinking an agent from Kai came and tried to kidnap Yona because they’d found out from her father that she was both an incarnation of the Red Dragon and a guardian — ie, the ultimate super-powered magical girl, potentially — and they tried to kidnap her for use as a WMD.  Afterward she and Soo-won had a difference of opinion about how to deal, she made up her own mind to go on this quest, find out if these powers were real, and if so use them to help her people and rescue her Dad and Uncle and stuff, and of course Hak’s gonna go with her.

So the love triangle is going to be less of a foregone conclusion.  Soo-won loses points early with his inability to accept what’s becoming important to her and let her use her own power.  He’s too smart to be a flat-earth atheist when he actually sees the sparkles and mascot pets, which might create some uncertainty, but I’m thinking it’s like a thematic thing where for all his genuine virtues, Soo-won under his father’s influence wants to just protect Yona while Hak wants to support her, and Hak’s still gotta win that one.

Setting out on their quest they probably still meet Ik-su and pick up Yoon, and I’m thinking Ik-su gives Yona a dragon scale to get her started.  And then we gather the dragons!  We’re still going to have secret villages, because people wanting to take the dragons away to utilize their powers is still very much a thing.  I haven’t decided about their canon powers — probably for ease of handling I’ll say those still apply when they become able to take human form, or that unlocking human-form-with-canon-powers is the next level past that.

Kija is still being pampered in his village — without the icky sexual coercion subplot this time (yay bowdlerizing) — and he will still totally fight you.  He bites Hak a lot in the beginning.  (Also having the thought that when we meet him Hak’s like “what is that, a snake?” but he has more moe proportions and a certain amount of fluff and little legs sticking out and Yona thinks he looks more like an ermine actually, so this time Hak ends up giving him the even-worse nickname “White Weasel.”)

Shin-ah is still neglected and alone, although I’m not sure yet how the problem of his power translates.  It could be pretty direct, caused by a previous generation where a blue dragon bonded with a Guardian enough to use the scary canon powers leading to the belief about cursed eyes, but it would be awhile before we could see it in action.  And we could still swing a mask of some sort if desired, like we could find him hooded like a falcon.  I suspect it’ll be extra challenging to get him to turn human even after he should be able to.  On the upside, though, he and little Ao are, like, closer to the same size, so we’re in for some serious cuteness overload with them.

Jae-ha enters a lot like he does in canon — which is possible because Gigan is a guardian.  Because of their bond she can do cool superpowered stuff and he can take human form and use his canon powers.  This also means that him going with Yona means Gigan giving up her powers (well, some of them, we can leave her with a scale — Yona wouldn’t need one anymore at that point — and she’s got a lot of Badass Normal going on too).  It also means Jae-ha accepting being a mascot critter at least for a while, but that was less of a sticking point than his canon issues, which were pretty much same (although as a mascot critter he doesn’t have wrists or ankles to speak of so it was that they’d put a collar on him).  This also adds to he and Gigan’s bits of mentorship toward the other dragons and Yona respectively, since they actually have years of experience with how this whole Guardian thing works.  (Also in the Awa arc I may bowdlerize the human trafficking bit and it’s that Kum-ji is shipping dragon scales out, so more analogous to smuggling WMD.)

And Zeno’s still Zeno, although again bowdlerizing.  Backing up to the origin myth, when the four dragons decided to destroy the humans, actually the Yellow Dragon was like “No, that would be horrible, let’s—” ::the other three all look at him:: “—let’s just hurt ‘em kinda bad.”  So because he went along he shared in their punishment, but because his was a failure not of compassion but of courage, his punishment is somewhat different.  He wasn’t made mortal like the others, and while he can work with a guardian, he can also use more of his power on his own when he shows courage — actually a stricter condition than getting himself grievously hurt, honestly.  And Kaya was totally a guardian.

(In thinking of the mascot critter character designs, I’m imagining each of the chibi dragons having their own style of horns.  Kija’s will be sort of perky upcurved antlers, Shin-ah’s will look like the horns of his mask, Jae-ha’s are more straight and angular antlers, and Zeno’s are curled like a sheep.)

We can also still have a version of the Fire Tribe arc conflict where Soo-jin is basically the “c’mon use the nukes” guy who plots against Soo-won because he does believe in the dragon guardian powers and wants to use them to crush Kouka’s enemies (like did you even get what that origin legend was about?).

And we get to have more of the female cast be guardians/magical girls!  Lili, I’m really thinking so — although I’d prefer to leave Ayura and Tetra as Badass Normals to prove that women don’t need magic to kick ass.  Maybe Tao — which would be a curveball since she’s not from Kouka, but that could be a good thing.  And of course, to get to their full potential powers, they’d have to join up and have character development and form bonds with everybody…

Hmm, anyone else?  Maybe a job for OCs…

[perfectionistincrisis]

Updates

The reason I am taking a break from blogging is because i dont feel comfortable anymore talking about my life here. I am not such an open person; I prefer keepimg things to myself. It is only him who id talk to and a few bits and bites with other people rarely maybe! Although everything I have blogged about till now, I am cool with it and if i ever feel like somethings worth making a post about and havung it engraved online over here I sure will I guess

Few things have been stuck in my head. One is that in one of my old posts I said that it just feels like we stopped talking and nothing else. Well i dont think it is as simple as it sounds. Because its not just that. Not talking comes with a lot of other situations which are handled way too diffetently. Many of which pierces through my heart and is way too painful to have to accept. But long story short, we are not what we are anymore, atleast not right now. He is not ‘mine’ to call and literally everyone else in his life is technically closer to him and more accessible for him than I am. And God, that makes me feel so jealous.. Its so hard to be okay with this fact. I find myself almost at the verge of questioning life as to what have i done to be at this place but.. It is for Allah’s sake so yes I should leave it to Him and just pray and have patience.

Another thing is that. There is really not much I can do about us.. Other than to wait for him. I really can’t think of something i could possible do for us; even if there is anything, I think there is more to what he should take care of.

BUT, here is what I think i should do. Infact I think it is my responsibility/ duty. I owe it. NOT to him only though but to everyone else who loves me. Definitely my family. And I think also people like my friends and others at uni I will have to encounter on a daily basis.

So let’s come to the point. I think I should thrive to be a better humanbeing. That includes improving on a religious level, improving academically, improving my personality in general. As for friends and colleagues, it is about team work and helping each other out, being there for someone in need if within your capability. As for family, it is letting my parents know that they have raised a good person and so much more. As for him, it is not being any less than what he deserves, what I want him to have in life, of being responsible for whom his kids may call mom one day inshaAllah and.. So much more again! I feel like i should always thrive to get better. This means being hard-working, acquiring more skills, contributing in a positive way around you.

Another thing is that, in one of his blogs he was talking about having problems of directing his blogs towards me, as if he was talking to me. This is something very hard to control and I think no one will understand what he meant more than I will. So to make it easy for both of us, and also to add to that the reasons I put forward as to why Im not so comfortable blogging, I decided to not use tumblr regularly. When we were together, i used to feel the strong -need- to always make sure we maintain communication. As much as communication is a two person thing, I still used to believe that if any one person puts the extra effort and sincerely holds onto every chance of staying in touch, things will be fine. I still believe so. Now, me believing in such an idea does not really mean I fancy it or like it but whatever. Whats inportant to realize over here is that it should not be the case now. We are not together anymore. As much as i want to know every tiny detail about him all the time 24 7; I am not entitled to get all that information anymore. And I should accept it and act like it - whether i like it or not - And like i said, no, i dont like it but yeah.. And the only way I make it easier for myself to accept that is by using tumblr less; not regularly. That way i believe he can blog knowing its uncertain if i am going to read it anytime soon and also I get to realize over and over again, with a heavy heart that things have changed!

Okay so when I was talking about how there’s only so less I think i can do other than to wait, I also had to add to that about how i keep thinking about the past from time to time and it draws a lot, let me repeat, A LOT of emotions. Once again, there is not anything i can do about them and i should pray to Him and leave all these emotions behind and just have Sabr (patience).

Also, today is the first day I am fasting. Yes, like after missing out on 21 days of Ramadan this year and over 4 weeks of not praying. Here i am! So thats why I had to blog. Needed to leave a mark!

Also, this Eid, inshaAllah we might spend it in Makkah. I am looking forward to it!

Finishing the Quran will not be possible I think. I mean its not impossible actually but i dont think i have it in me to do so but inshaAllah lets see. I will keep reciting and giving it my best. One thing i often see is how we often feel like its just these 30 days you get a chance to finish the Quran. Like its now or never typa shit! I mean cmon, Ramadan does end but life goes on. Turn to the next page and keep reciting feom the Quran everyday even after Ramadan. You will finish it eventually. For many of us, we hardly spend enough time reciting if any page at all throughout the year and suring Ramadan wr aim to finish the whole thing -which is not bad though- but what is bad is how IF we arennot able to do so we feel like its the end if the world. Feel like such failures. That is so wrong. Obly people who spend significant amount of their time reciting Quran and finishing it every year might feel bad if specifically during the month of Ramadan they were not able to do so for any reason. Ugh ok enough..

And as for working out, I just worked ou for 2 days so far and I am having all positive vibes in me. InshaAllah I will be able to get very regular at it. The thing with me is this is not new for me. I lose significant amount of weight every vacation. 6 kgs is a minimum! But the thing is that very thought can sometimes make me overconfident! Also another thing is the slow result. From my experience, in the beginning when you start working out you hardly see changes but what is important at this stage is that you go on. Carry on. If you dont see any weught changes, i think it is better to focus on the mental soothing working out brings about. I mean its not all about losing weight. It also cleanses your soul. You get to relax! Its more like at the start, you have the 'stubborn weight’ which doesnt drop but once it DOES, and you carry on, it just keeps dropping way easily. So you just need to hang in there. Working out also teaches patience which i really like and need veing such a perfectionist.

So now to end this post. Good thing i brought the fact about me being a perfectionist up cause this is where i need it. Being a perfectionist, wanting that perfect life. Well, ik this life is not perfect; it is not aupposed to be. But then there is still some sanity you can pray for, you can wish for perfection to an extent. And right now it is the complete opposite of “perfection”. It is like not 'zero’ perfection but more like the scales have moved to the negative markings! And that disturbs me so much..!

Aha. Thats it for now! :)

[theliterateape]

Hope Idiotic | Part X

By David Himmel

 Hope Idiotic is a serialized novel. Catch each new part every week on Monday and Thursday.

FOLLOWING THE FIRST MONTH AT THE SALES COMPANY WITH A MONETARY TARGET OF $750 — THE EQUIVALENT OF ONE JOB POSTING — Lou never again hit his goals. As a result, he was never paid more than the $1,430 a month base salary. He would not make sixty grand that year.

And it wasn’t just because he hated his job with every fiber of his being and sucked horribly at it. His team was designated to call on south Texas. The desk jockeys made daily calls to towns like Corpus Christi, Victoria and Galveston. His leads were mostly shipping companies. It was September 2008, and the economy was weak. Lou knew it. He knew it the day he arrived in Chicago over a year ago. And it seemed that it was only getting weaker. It was further evidenced by most of the leads he spoke to telling him, “We’re just not hiring right now. In fact, we’re laying people off.” But like a date rapist deaf to the word “no,” the desk jockeys were encouraged to push forward.

“If they tell you they’re not hiring at the moment, you respond that we’re helping them plan for the future,” the douchey twenty-two-year-old sales trainer said to Lou’s class of trainees. “By having job postings up, they are able to gather names and résumés to put on file so that when the need to fill a position opens up, they already have a large stack of qualified candidates to choose from. Thus, the hiring process is shorter, readying the business to function efficiently!”

ProCore was peddling lies. Before he moved and was looking for jobs, he created an account with them. Not once did he receive any job alerts for anything even remotely resembling the interests he put into the system—although he did get notifications to become an Avon Lady. With no businesses hiring and many job postings advertising unavailable positions, Lou was struggling to sell an antiquated product.

And on September 13, Hurricane Ike smashed into Galveston and other small towns along the Gulf of Mexico. Ike killed nearly two hundred people and caused approximately $29.5 billion in damage. Worst of all, the devastation forced most of the businesses on Lou’s lead list to close.

“Brian wants us to leave messages of condolence on the companies’ answering machines,” Lou told Michelle at home a few days after Ike hit.

“Who is Brian again?”

“My manager.”

“What are you supposed to say?”

“’This is Lou Bergman from ProCore. I hope you and your loved ones are safe. All of us are thinking of you and wishing you the best for a speedy recovery. When you get back on your feet, please give me a call. Let’s rebuild your business together.’”

“That sounds ridiculous.”

“Completely. The stupidest thing about it is that these people may or may not come back to work, possibly after having their home washed away or losing a family member, to a soggy answering machine message from some assholes trying to sell online job postings—but even worse is that we were supposed to make the clients think that we were local. Like, I’m supposed to read the local papers online for each city I was calling so I could have a point of conversation, you know? So let me ask you this, you think they’re wondering why we’re not underwater along with them? Of course they are. It’s a fucking scam. These people are crooks.”

“So you’re not going to hit your number needed for the commission again, are you?”

“I really doubt it.”

Two days later, Lehman Brothers Holdings collapsed, causing a massive wave of panic throughout the financial world. The Great Recession had begun. That day, with no companies to call on, Lou’s entire team was glued to streaming videos and news stories about the collapse. Lou played online Tetris.

He wasn’t surprised or fascinated because he knew something like this was coming. The hiring freezes, the layoffs, the crumpling real estate market—it’s why he removed his house listing a year ago when, after two months on the market, no one looked at it once. And for the first time since moving to Chicago, Lou didn’t feel so alone. Finally, everyone else was panicking. Knowing that relaxed him more than he’d been in a long time.

By early December, ProCore’s downtown offices were looking more and more vacant—like Detroit. Each Monday morning had one less desk occupied as desk jockeys were being laid off. Team managers were being let go, too. Rumors began to circulate about a massive layoff. The panic was enormous. Lou pulled Brian aside one Thursday morning.

“Look, I’m just tired of people talking about it. Is a companywide layoff coming?”

“Not that I know anything about,” Brian said.

“Would you tell me, or the rest of the team, if something were going down?  If there were reason for concern? You know, so we can begin looking for new jobs—not that anyone is hiring, as we well know.”

“I would tell you guys. You have nothing to worry about.”

“I can’t believe it,” she said. “This recession is really real.”

Lou and Michelle met for a drink in the Loop after work that day. Her office was experiencing a similar panic, but with far greater implications. Equity partners were actually being fired, not just at the Chicago office, but also in L.A. and Boston.

“If they’re firing equity partners, they won’t think twice about firing me,” Michelle said.

“No one from your practice group has been let go, right? With all of the firings and cuts, your department will probably see a spike in business. People are going to want to sue. You’re needed right now. It’s all about labor and employment. Besides, you’re a woman. They won’t fire a woman. That would be bad business. Diversity requirements and all that.”

Riding home on the bus, they encountered a traffic jam at the corner of Lake Street and Michigan Avenue. There were ambulances, fire trucks and cop cars with their lights flashing. A large group of people had gathered around the plaza of a residential high-rise. Everyone on the bus looked up from their books, newspapers and magazines and peered through the windows at the scene.

“It’s probably a bomb threat,” Michelle said.

“No way,” said Lou. “If it were a bomb threat, the entire block would be quarantined. Someone jumped. This is a suicide. I bet there’s a puddle of blood and guts and bones in that plaza.”

“You’re disgusting,” she told him, trying to keep her laughter to a reserved level.

The next morning, Lou was shaving in the bathroom when he heard Michelle shriek while she read the morning’s news online. He ran out. “What is it?”

“Last night…”

“Yeah?”

“You were right. It was a suicide. It was Sam Tallisker.”

“Should I know who that is?”

“He was an attorney at my firm. He worked two floors above me.”

“And now he’s working forty floors below you.”

“That’s not funny, Lou. Jesus Christ, I can’t believe this. They let him go last week, which I hadn’t heard. He’d been with the firm for like twenty years. I can’t believe this.”

She stood up from the desk and threw herself into Lou’s arms. She cried. Lou held her and stroked her hair and kissed her forehead. She looked at him. Her eyes were red, tears streaked her face. It was an unusual sight because Michelle so rarely cried. Not during movies, not when she and Lou had fights, not when she read his love letters that she claimed made her “heart melt.” He wiped the salty streams from her cheeks.

“I can’t believe it,” she said. “This recession is really real.”

Nothing had really gotten to her until this suicide. Not living with her unemployed and under-employed boyfriend over the past year watching the economy be ruined. It wasn’t the reports he gave her of hiring managers telling him they were on a hiring freeze or even hearing from a placement-agency headhunter that there just weren’t any jobs out there. It wasn’t his sleepless nights or the pointless fights she and Lou got into about his struggle to find a good job that made her see the recession was real. It was another attorney—someone she occasionally shared an elevator ride with—killing himself. A man who had a strong career under his belt who probably had plenty of money saved up and an absurd severance package equal to the hundreds of thousands he’d been earning for decades. A man who was in a comfortable position to sit back, enjoy the time off and plan a new strategy for when the market improved; maybe even go back to his old firm. Maybe go live on an island and snorkel his life away. Lou was struggling every day to pay for a pack of gum, and he was expected to rise above all the odds in a system working against him.

He wondered why she never cried for him, but tears were appropriate for a barrister who threw himself out of a window. And then he thought that maybe he would kill himself but quickly dismissed that idea because then he’d miss out on the little bit of sympathy she started to have for him.

“Yes, Michelle. The recession is really real.”

✶

FRIDAY THAT WEEK, A COMPANYWIDE EMAIL WENT OUT AT PROCORE letting its employees know that a mandatory meeting would be held at four o’clock that afternoon. The entire floor of the office fell silent after it came through. A few moments later, the collective anxiety filled the floor. People began congregating and talking. Lou concentrated on his Tetris game.

“This is it. We’re all fired,” one of the desk jockeys said. “I bet they’re closing the office. Why would they do this before Christmas? I’m going to have to move back in with my parents.”

Because there were so many employees, several gatherings took place. Lou and Leslie’s team were stuffed into one of the conference rooms with three other teams. Jen Grady, a sweet but pushy devout Christian from the southwest region team was praying with her hands clasped and her head down.

“Ask Him if He’s hiring,” Lou said to her.

One of the HR managers walked into the conference room. She was with a middle-aged man wearing a sharp suit. She introduced him, but Lou missed his name. All he caught was that this guy was the CFO of the company. The conference room grew quiet.

“As you know, we’ve seen a sharp decrease in sales this last quarter,” the CFO said. “This is not because of the fault of any employee of this organization, but rather a result of a variety of compounding effects from the recent economic troubles. Having said that, we are forced to cut our staff significantly. Effective immediately, you are no longer employed with ProCore.”

Jen shrieked and began wailing. Others shifted uncomfortably where they stood shoulder-to-shoulder with their unemployed brethren. There were murmurs and deep sighs. Lou laughed. “Of course,” he said to Leslie.

“All of your logins and passwords have been removed, so you will not be able to access any files you had on your computers,” the CFO said.

“What?” Jen cried out. “But I have photos on my computer!”

“Not any more you don’t,” the CFO said. “You should return to your desks to gather your belongings. Your manager will be there with a box for your things and a packet with your termination papers. They explain everything and include documents allowing you to sign up for COBRA. You should sign the termination agreement and fax it into the HR department as soon as you can so you can receive your final paycheck.”

“Fax it?” Lou asked. “I don’t have a fax machine at home. Can I just walk it in to the office on Monday?”

“We don’t want you to have to take any more time out of your day than you need to,” said the CFO.

“Hey, man. I’m unemployed. I have nothing but time.”

There were some snickers from the others. The HR manager looked away. The CFO stared Lou down. “Find a fax machine. If there are no other questions…”

“I have one more,” Lou said.

“What.”

“You’re not doing this just so we have to use the site to look for work, you know, to increase traffic, boost your numbers?” More snickers from the others.

“No. This decision was strictly based on current economic viability. However, I encourage you to use the job-finding services that ProCore offers.”

“Oh, no thank you. I’ve already got my résumé on ResumeWorks.com.”

The others erupted in laughter. The CEO and the HR manager left. An empty cardboard box was waiting for Lou and Leslie on their desk chairs. Brian was standing nearby.

“I’m sorry,” he said to Lou.

“You lied to me.”

“They told us last week.”

“Was it a seniority thing?”

“Mostly, yeah. I couldn’t tell you. You understand that.”

“Not really. A heads-up would have been helpful. You know, in the interest of being professional at the core.”

At the apartment, Lou sat in the desk chair with his feet on the windowsill looking at the skyline. It was a cold, gray day and the view was a little hazy through the low clouds. The smoke and steam from the other buildings below his window rose out of their stacks and wiggled above their roofs. The cars zipped by on Lake Shore Drive, into and out of downtown. Outside, the city looked alive in the frozen air. Inside, the ice floating in his glass of scotch cracked as it slowly melted. He sat like that, sipping at his drink focused on the billowing smoke until Michelle burst through the door.

“Oh, sweetheart!” she said. “I am so, so sorry.” He had called her while waiting for the bus back home. She dropped her purse and her coat on the floor and ran to him. She threw her arms around him and kissed his lips, his cheeks and his forehead. She put herself in his lap. “They didn’t give you any other real reason as to why?”

“The economy. I told you things were crumbling. I’ve been saying that for more than a year.”

“I know you have, sweetheart. I know. All right, here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to move your flight back home for Christmas so you’re with me. Since you don’t have to work now, you can get out there sooner. Because what you need right now is to be around people who love you. You need Chuck and Neal.”

Michelle called the airline and with honest and charming sadness she told the operator about Lou’s layoff situation. It was Christmastime so the operator was sympathetic and changed Lou’s flight without cost.

✶

THAT MONDAY, LOU DROVE TO BRUSHWOOD TO VISIT WITH HIS GRANDPARENTS and see how Pop was feeling. He also needed to use Pop’s fax machine to send in his termination agreement.

Grams made lunch. Grilled cheese sandwiches on rye bread with tomato slices and tomato soup. “Well, I’ll tell ya.” Pop said. He often began conversations this way. It was like he had been thinking of the words long before speaking them. As a result, everything he said was a well-thought-out and deductive idea. Thinking before speaking was one of the few traits Lou didn’t inherit from his grandfather. “It’s not easy out there right now. I read the other day that the National Bureau of Economic Research says we’ve been in a recession for a year already.”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you people,” Lou said. “It’s not that I haven’t been trying to find work.”

“Of course not, honey,” Grams said as she ladled soup into his bowl.

“And the only reason I took this job was because I had to. I needed something.”

“Maybe you should consider a different career,” Pop said.

“What do you mean?” Lou asked.

“Find something with growth potential and stability. Maybe you go into the sheet metal business with your father’s company.”

A decade ago, Benjamin purchased a century-old sheet metal factory located a few towns over from Brushwood where the blue-collars lived. Benjamin knew nothing of the heating, ventilation and air-conditioning business, but the land was valuable and the company was profitable. It was purely a real estate venture.

“I don’t want to work in sheet metal. What would I do?”

“I’m not saying you need to be a union worker, but maybe you can learn the business and become a partner eventually. Working for family is always best.”

“Why can’t the family own a newspaper? Why can’t I just make a career doing what I want to do and what I’m good at?

“Because you have to make money and be secure. And sometimes, the things we want to do don’t allow us to always be secure.”

“You didn’t want to go into real estate,” Grams said to Pop.

“That’s true. I didn’t want to follow my father’s footsteps into the family business.”

“What did you want to do?”

“I wanted to be a psychiatrist. I’ve always been fascinated by the mind and the human condition and our environment and how it all affects us.”

“Do you wish you had gone to school and become a shrink?”

“No. I made the choice. And it was the right one. If I’d gone to school, it would have meant delaying starting a family with your grandmother. It would have taken time to build my practice before I could earn a decent living wage. I was home from the war and getting married and needed to earn a living. It just wasn’t feasible.”

“But once your practice was built, you’d be fine. And wouldn’t your dad have helped you out along the way like mine has done for me?”

“I’m sure he would have. But I didn’t want to put that burden on him.”

“And you don’t regret not following your dream of being a psychiatrist?”

“Eh. It all worked out.”

“I can’t do that, Pop. I can’t just turn my back on what I’ve always wanted and change my mind just like that. ProCore was just a job, but writing is—was—my career. That’s what I want to do.”

“Then you have to find a way to do it where you can rely on steady employment.”

“Well, right now, no one has steady employment.”

“We always need teachers. You could be a teacher. Write your books during the summer.”

“Didn’t you talk Uncle Jack out of being a teacher?”

“I wouldn’t say I talked him out of it. He was having trouble finding a job, and I suggested he consider the insurance industry. It’s steady and provides a good living.”

“You’re like the muscle of the Career Mafia.”

Pop laughed and took a sip of his soup. “Oh, God. This tastes terrible. I’m sorry, Adina. Nothing is tasting good to me.”

“Try the sandwich, maybe you’ll like that,” she said.

“It doesn’t even look appetizing.”

“What’s the matter?” Lou said.

“This medicine they’re giving me for the cancer makes everything taste awful. Everything has a metallic taste.”

“Why don’t you get some pot? That will make you hungry enough to choke anything down.”

“I have some pills with THC in them. They cost one hundred dollars each. And they don’t help.”

“So get some real pot. I bet your grandson Aaron can hook you up—and wait a second, you didn’t want to be a burden to your dad by asking for his help. Am I a burden?”

“Of course not, Sweetie,” Grams quickly answered.

✶

THAT NIGHT, MICHELLE WANTED TO GET THEIR CHRISTMAS TREE. The year before, they walked to the empty lot next to the elementary school in their neighborhood to buy the tree and carried it the few blocks home. Now it was a tradition.

“It’s supposed to snow tonight. Just like last year. Can we get it tonight? It’ll be romantic.”

Lou loved Christmas. He loved the songs and the lights and presents and the parties and the movies. It’s the season of giving. But Lou was still broke. And unemployed—again. How could he give anybody anything?

He knew Michelle wouldn’t be okay if he suggested they not exchange gifts. And she sure wouldn’t be okay if he made her something. Like if he were to write her a story or something like that. Plus, he would have to buy gifts for her parents, too.

Fuck, he thought.

He couldn’t provide her with anything. Not a Christmas, not a birthday and not an anniversary.

At the apartment with the tree, she tuned the stereo in the apartment to the adult-contemporary radio station, which had been playing Christmas music since the day after Halloween. She nursed a glass of wine as she sang along to the radio. Lou drank two glasses of scotch before he finished stringing the lights.

“You need to make your gift list and send it to my parents,” she said.

“They don’t need to get me anything.”

“Well, they’re going to, so send it to them. And I need to see it, too. And you and I need to figure out who gets them what. Did you see their lists? Dad sent them this morning. And what about your mom? Did you figure out when we’re doing Christmas with her? I don’t want to do it too close to before we leave for Vegas. And preferably not on a Sunday night because you know I need Sunday nights to prepare for the workweek. We only have two more weekends before we leave.”

“Can we do it on a weeknight when you’re not working too late.”

“I always work late, you know that.”

“So then maybe duck out early one night.”

“Lou. This is my busy season.”

“Why? You’re not in retail.”

“Some of the clients I work with are.”

“That’s not the same thing.”

“I’m just too busy to have Christmas with your mother on a weeknight. I have to work so I can pay for our trips, okay? Do you even know what you’re bringing to Cabo?”

That was another thing. Michelle was turning thirty and she wanted to celebrate it and their second anniversary together in her favorite place on earth: Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.

Not only could he not afford Christmas, he was the paid guest of Michelle’s on a trip for her big birthday. That was an expense a boyfriend should cover. Lou should have been able to buy her plane ticket, at least split the hotel cost and not have to worry about emptying out his tiny bank account when the check came from her birthday dinner. And how big a night would their anniversary be on New Year’s Eve? He couldn’t provide her with anything. Not a Christmas, not a birthday and not an anniversary.

He fixed himself a third drink. “I’ll talk to my mom and see what day works. If I take us out to dinner on Saturday, would you be okay to do Christmas with her Saturday afternoon? Like a Christmas brunch here?”

“Sure. That’s fair. We can get cheeses and meats and I can open those new champagne bottles I got from my wine club.”

“That’d be perfect. Thank you.”

“Have you looked at any of the links I sent you for possible birthday dinners for me in Cabo?”

“No. I haven’t.”

“I feel like you’re not excited about this trip.”

“I’m excited.”

“You don’t act like it.”

Lou was irritated because the trip was still three weeks out. He had just been laid off and although he had no money, he had to bribe her with dinner so she’d agree to have Christmas with his mother. Meanwhile, he was borrowing money from Benjamin to pay his half of the rent and buying plane tickets to Las Vegas to spend Christmas with her parents. He had other things on his mind that took precedence over her birthday dinner twenty-one days away. She would veto anything he picked anyway. She always did.

 “I love traveling,” she said. “It’s my passion. You know that. And I love planning trips. And this is an important trip. It’s my thirtieth birthday and our second anniversary. I get really excited about these things, and I need you to get excited, too. I need to know you care about the things I care about so I know you care about me.”

“Jesus Christ, Michelle. You get excited like a puppy piddling on the floor months before every vacation. That’s you. That’s how you do things. I do things differently. I get excited as we get closer to the actual vacation. It doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. It means I have a ton of other shit to do before I pick a restaurant for you that you’ll disagree with anyway. I have to decide what to buy your parents for Christmas first. One expense at a time, please.”

Michelle glared at him for a moment. “You just ruined tree-decorating night. Congratulations.”

They finished hanging the ornaments without speaking to each other. The radio still played holy, jolly Christmas tunes. Lou did everything he could to keep from laughing at Michelle. She was so angry. He was so drunk.

Tree-decorating night, he thought. Who the fuck calls it that?

Part I Part II Part III Part IV Part V Part VI Part VII Part VIII Part IX

[rfhusnik]

The Return Of The Man From The Green City Part Two

                                      Written By: Rashon Leyf

              Welcome to the second installment of certain (definitely not all) mental stimuli, garnered by various residents of this city as a result of the most recent visit here by the so-called “Man From The” so-called “Green City.” And, as was the case with the initial installment, this one also is written in a rather haphazard fashion; but then, it most likely needs such a method of telling in order that it might, in the most realistic way, present various topics of thought associated with that person’s visit here.

           But before I discuss some events which may or may not have factual bases in reality, I’d like to speak of some which I know do. It wasn’t really until I was four years old that I became aware of the fact that not all humans had the same skin pigmentation as I. Oh sure, I’d seen white people before that, but their whiteness just hadn’t “registered” in my mind up until then. And I can still remember asking mama if a lot of people in the world were sick, else why had the color drained away from their skin!

           But, of course, since then I’ve learned the answer to that question, as well as the answers to numerous other questions. And I’ve also learned that while the answers we receive aren’t always the ones we wish to receive, often we’re thankful to have received any answer at all; and other times, perhaps the answers we receive provide resolutions, or may even carry with them the dreadfully entitled phenomenon “closure.” Nonetheless, it’s my postulation that life’s most significant answers are those which address mental realizations, attempt to portray how a life could best be lived, or simply state how a life is actually being lived at this time, was lived in the past, or could most constructively be lived in years to come.  

           But as I stated in the first installment of this two part written effort, we hear a lot of stories in this city. And the realness of almost all of those tales remains unsubstantiated, although sometimes hinted at. And no one here, myself included, would even dare to hazard a guess as to what the real truth (if any) of any of those anecdotes may be. And yet, the leader of our city, Ralph Hawk, has asked that I relate certain “matters” in this piece.

           And, speaking of Ralph, he recently decreed that a city wide town hall meeting should be called. And, his goal for that project was that all voting age adults of our city should attend it. Of course, that didn’t happen, yet I’d say we had about two thirds of our city’s adults there that evening. And many topics were discussed, and perhaps many answers were found, nevertheless such resolutions will never reach Washington D.C., except perhaps for this one:  America, it’s high time that you stem the tide of entry into this nation from peoples who belong south of your border! And it’s unfortunately astounding to note how few Americans apparently fathom the drastic results which most likely will be accrued in years to come as a result of the current policy of allowing virtually anyone to cross into The United States Of America and remain here. So, state it simply, and speculate upon it:  What are the likely scenarios which will occur in the U.S.A. (if it even remains entitled that) when such people who are minorities in this nation now, will be minorities here no longer? Well, there probably are a variety of changes which will take place here then. And, most likely none of those changes will be of any good for America’s whites, and, there’s a good possibility that they’ll be likewise deleterious to American blacks. Oh, and the previous statements are controversial, I know that, nevertheless, it’s time now for all Americans to ask themselves how a different majority of people in this nation will someday treat a new minority. And despite what some “better than thous” will say, such speculation isn’t racist, it’s simply warranted.

           And sometimes I think those so-called refugees need to be called on what they’re doing. They’re in fact invading the homelands of other human beings. And this phenomenon of packing up one’s things and running away from one’s problems is one that should be discouraged and not promoted by the government of The United States Of America. But why then is it being promoted rather than discouraged? The answer:  America’s liberal political party believes it can get new voters from a class of people who’ve come to America to live off the fruits of the labors of others. Think about that when you vote in the upcoming national elections, and then maybe we’ll stem the “blue tide” which many say may be coming.

           But Ralph Hawk gave a landmark speech at the town hall meeting which I alluded to a few paragraphs ago. And he gave it from the balcony of one of the new buildings on the near north side of our city. And it was easily the best oration I’ve ever heard; and the varied abilities of “The Hawk” continue to amaze me – but, not only is he able to do almost anything, he does everything well! And I believe that if only half of what he advocated that evening was ever put into practice, we’d have a much better life on planet Earth today.

           Nonetheless, after the meeting ended, Ralph caught up with me and said “Rashon, the overseers from other earthly realities who monitor my leadership of our city have contacted me, and told me that because of racial quotas, it’s time for you to submit a piece to the internet.”

           And I replied, “Do you have any topics in mind for me?”

           And he replied “Yes, but I’m sure you know that the gentleman we call ‘the man from the green city’ paid one of his infrequent visits to our city last week. And I was so glad that I was finally able to introduce him to Joseph and Sharon Same.”

           “Well, I actually got to talk with him” I said. “But you know, I didn’t really ask him everything that I should have while he was still here. I think I’m going to try to reach him via phone at his home in the green city. And if I get a hold of him, I’ll ask then what I should have asked while he was still here.”

           “That’s good thinking” said Ralph. “And then you can base your next written piece upon what you learn from him in that conversation.”

           So, I was able to reach the man from the green city via telephone; and from this point onward in this piece, I’ll try to synthesize his words to me. Yet, I also want to try to include all the topics he touched upon.

           The first things he said after I reached him via the telephone (something I actually didn’t know if I’d be able to do) concerned what he’d done while he’d been in our city; and also the people he’d been able to meet here. But some of those he’d wished to see here were working, or out on the road, or otherwise occupied during the timespan he’d been here etc. But I’ll not bother you with all the conversations he had with everyone he met here, except to say that apparently he’d been especially glad to finally meet Joe and Sharon. Nonetheless, I want to relate the things he said about himself, and the other anecdotes he mentioned.

           And I remember the main part of our conversation began roughly like this:  “True artists can’t know every whim which was ever given birth inside the minds of word users – and especially if said word users are in any way creative. You know, sometimes the stuff those creative writers write gets to be a little vague, or maybe even a little obscure; but then, often it’s symbolic also,” I said.

           “Yeah, I know that,” said the man from the emerald city. “But sometimes I wonder if anyone will ever understand, as well as only read or listen to the histories of outlanders who are – well, special people to be sure.”

           And I replied “Well, I’ll only repeat what I just said ‘True artists can’t know every whim which was ever…! But I also know this:  Sometimes I hear what must be either rumors or stories, or perhaps only personal historical anecdotes which are told to me in an effort, I’d suppose, to have me comment upon them.”

           “Give me an example” said the man from the green city.

           “Okay, for example, critique this:  But, before you begin your analysis and learn of their dilemmas, remember that it’s also said that those people were basically good – all of them. And God, they must have done so much for so many. And yet… And yet, I can’t tell you with certainty if they ever really existed, or if they were but a legend passed along through the fifty four realities of mankind.”

           “Sometimes, amidst words of anger, FS and FJ couldn’t determine which one of them, without the other’s aid, would not have had a utensil to urinate in. But RS always said FJ had been such a nice young man until he’d returned home from his service in the anti-Nazi/anti-Imperialist war. And yet, apparently when FJ did return, even RS had to admit he wasn’t such a nice guy anymore.”

           “And then FS and FJ used to argue about the war, and FS started to drink alcohol excessively. And FJ said his generation had saved the world from dictatorship. But FS said the war had been brought by his (FJ’s) generation, and thus it was only fitting that FJ’s generation had been obligated to fight it. Oh, and even though FJ’s generation is today seen as a great generation, FS didn’t see the people who constituted it in that light.”

           “And FJ and M had become parents during the reign of the man who had the buck stop on his desk. But, of course years pass, and FJ didn’t like Ike. And, to complicate matters, M and FJ really got a surprise when they learned what their family was becoming. Thus, one day amidst all the work they always had to do, and also amidst all the people who came and went from inside their sphere of existence, FJ bought a new car in the waning years of Ike’s dominion.”

           “And it was a type of car which a prominent comedian of the time had said looked more like a rocket than an automobile. And then FJ and M drove that car to the west coast of the states in America. But FJ never cleaned, washed, or cared for that new car, and when that vehicle was less than two years old it was completely rusted, and also dented (it had been hit by someone who’d simply driven into it, backed up, and then driven off). And the condition of that relatively new car was apparently vaguely significant then, at that time; and evidently still is yet to this day. And if you don’t believe that assertion, it was apparently recently made clear to Ralph by masters from other realities of the earth! Oh, and here’s a little extra information; it seems those masters also made certain that Ralph understood that cars had been built much more solidly during the years of Ike, and thus, the complete rusting out of such a vehicle in less than two years during those years was really unacceptable!”

           “But FS’s alcohol problems continued. Yet, he’d only imbibe the substance on weekdays. On weekends he’d not drink a single drop. And RS and M basically kept their mouths shut; well, most of the time anyway. Still, sometimes in anger…”

           “And I’m told that some people remember another soul there amongst them too. But whether he was there always, or only sometimes, or only on times when the most dastardly events occurred, is apparently hardly remembered anymore. And evidently he, in effect, had no name.

           So, let’s call him X. And they say that today little else is recalled about X except his arrogance. And while FJ didn’t see eye to eye with FS because of his (FJ’s) obstinance, and FS’s alcoholism, he likewise also couldn’t sanction the deeds of X because, apparently, of X’s conservatism. But one thing which was evidently agreed upon by everyone who came to know X, was that he’d amount to nothing in the years to come; and that he’d be, no doubt, only a burden upon society eventually.”

           Oh, and God I’ve heard so many other stories concerning the people about whom I’ve just now been writing. Of course I can’t say if those people ever really existed. And I can’t tell you with certainty if all the dreadful stories I’ve heard about them (but, for purposes of the length of this written piece have left undocumented) ever really occurred in what you and I know is a very real world.

           So, as now having, in my opinion, satisfactorily proven to you my inability to read people’s (especially artistic people) minds, as well as my ability to fairly comment upon apparent truths, falsehoods, rumors, and fake news reports, I’ll, so to speak, move on. And, the man from the green city also said “Yesterday Uncle Ralphie rang me up. He told me I might receive a call from you (Rashon), and that although one must never say this in public, is it not true that if many of your (mine – Rashon’s) ancestors had not been brought to the states of America as slaves many years ago, people such as yourself (me - Rashon) probably wouldn’t be living in the U.S.A. today. ‘You’re not trying to justify slavery? I asked Ralph.’”

           “No, I’m only trying to say what’s most likely true” he answered

           And then the man from the green city apparently said this to Ralph:  “You know Ralph, you’d better only concern yourself with the day to day leadership of your city. And you’d better not grow a small moustache below your nose either.”

           And before we finished our conversation that day, the man from the green city also said “Rashon, two more quick observations: First, those recent gun violence protests were very righteous, yet, I hope that everyone, whether they marched or not, realizes that no one will ever be able to completely remove guns from the landscape of modern day life. If anything, police and the military will always need them. Sportsmen will become violent if anyone attempts to remove their right to own them. And many of the so-called common people feel much better if they have at least one of them in their homes for protection against potential attackers. And yet, with that said, surely stronger laws against weapons which should only be used militarily, as well as bans against devices which modify simpler guns should be enacted – and enforced!”

           “And second, you know Rashon, that river that runs through your city has a special significance for me. Just as it divides your city geographically, and basically economically, so does that big company, also represented by a river, now give chances to writers whom Manhattan would have rejected, but who now are symbolically writing as they float along on the tides and ripples of the Amazon.”