#ill answer when i wake up tmrw

[sycamorality]

oh please bro anything about the ancients. i love learning about people's ancients its the best for real. whaddo they look like?? any societal norms or ideas on governing/social tiers??? and if youve thought about it or an event like this even fits into your headcanon events what do u think the mass ascension/disappearance of the ancients was like?

i've already rambled abunch about them; you can find them all here, a good 2.2k words worth of rambling.

they're a little creature to me. the best example i have is pearls collapsing within stained grounds, but they are an echo, and a kid, so they don't have their mask. digitigrade legs, tails, snouts (maybe even beak-like heads or even just beaks if i end up vibing with some more avian-esque designs), even wings in a few cases (though those would mostly be genemods - which also means yeah they could have feathers 'n fur 'n whatnot, but some wings could certainly be "natural"). they have funky patterns because i can so i will (and also because it's based off of this and this mural from in-game). think stripes, swirly stripes, rosettes, rings, y'name it. they probably have it. they also have lotsa colors, probably either darker or lighter and less saturated; some higher circle members probably have vibrant colors, depends. they can be little creature guys. as a treat. (except for you vigil you can like- get echoed a second time or something)

societal norms? docked tails, cropped ears, clipped wings (if applicable), unless you're higher circle or in a community that doesn't particularly care about it or are just a lucky lower/middle circle member. full masks always on for middle/higher circle in public and during important events. most higher circles probably had feeding tubes. speaking of social tiers, this post right here has my thoughts on them. can go into detail about anything if prompted; this goes for anything i've already said.

i think the mass ascension was by force, considering a majority (~99.5% for my own headcanon) lived atop iterator superstructures by now due to the lethal rains, and the higher circles Definently held the most power, which meant they got the say in it and it was agreed globally that "hey everybody's ascending". there were certainly outliers that didn't ascend (void knows i've got a few ocs like that, looking at you eclipse) due to a multitude of reasons. either because they were outcasts living on the ground, forgotten and left behind, or straight up hid to stay and not be force-ascended. most of the ones that didn't want to ascend did get caught and just- straight up dunked in a vat of void fluid by force, it was very strict and they made sure everybody ascended by checking id drones and wrote down records. though, if they only checked id drones, there's of course be the ones without any or ones that malfunction and weren't counted.

its 5am this might be a little incoherent and not make much sense oops

[caruliaa]

i will say i am feeling somewhat like a little pissbaby bc im getting kinda >:( abt the fact that i cant listen to midnights right when it comes out but also i will not listen to the leak !!!

[sapnaptwt2]

nvm im actually kinda tired so im going off goodnight tblr ^_^

[elymansss]

WARNING i go into a bit of a rant about the area where Kokichi died and how it probably looked like (cuz it def wasnt just blood that not realistic at all) so skip it if that makes you uncomfy! Its nothing extreme though :D

ALSO if Kokichi is a bit less confident and Shuichi is a bit nore confident or pervertish it's cause i hc that after they woke up their personalities kinda melded together! And for their memories they remembered their pasts, what happened and their actions and stuff like that

some Saiouma headcanons ( post-game ) ; because i can

first thing Shuichi did after waking up is to go look for Kokichi. Thankfully they were in the rooms next to each other so it didn't take long. Kokichi was still in a coma from his "death" but for right now Shuichi just needed to see him, his body, his face, hear his heart beating and rising chest. He looked so pale laying in the hospital bed but at least he was there and alive and breathing and not just- not just a bunch of blood and pieces of muscle/skin or intestines splattered all over the cold floor and hydraulic press.

When Kokichi woke up from the coma he saw Shuichi at the door ready to leave since it was already the end of visiting hours. Kokichi tried to use his voice as best he could but after not speaking for around a week (not that Kokichi knew) he said something along the lines of "Shu..chi pl..a..e do..t" Shuichi froze and turned back to see Kokichi barely having his eyes open and a single tear threatning to fall. Shuichi dropped his case files (that were thanfully in a folder) and ran over to Kokichi gently taking his hand and asking him questions even if he knew that he probabably wouldn't get an answer. The only thing he got was a slight squeeze of his hand he barely notices and a sleeping Kokichis light snores. He laughed lightly out of pure relief and wiped the tear that rolled down Kokichis cheek.

Shuichi then tried to visit Kokichi even more (which meant that he was definetly not following the visiting hours, vut the nurses and doctors had gooten way too tired of him pleading for a vit more so they just left them be) and also tgought about what he said to Kokichi after Gontas trial. He wanted to apologise and readied himself to get a "i won't forgive you and i never want to see gou again" after he does apologise. He also wants to ask about Kokichis plan and how he did everything. But first baby steps

The road to recovery wasn't exactly the easiest and Shuichi didn't wanna burden him with even MORE problems so he waited until after the recovery. They realised that they lived together (in a decent apartment) as Shuichis parents were never home and Kokichis left him when he was young. Shuichi told Kokichi his apology before they got out of the hospital just so Kokichi can think on how and where to live

The apology went along the lines of Shuichi saying his apology, Kokichi saying that it's okay and thathe deserved it and then Shuichi telling him that it was DEFINETLY NOT okay. But Kokichi assured Shuichi that he wasn't mad or blaming him and that he should relax. Knowing it would be pointless to arfue Shuichi left it at that. He made a mental note to make sure he compliments Kokichi enough though

The confession wasn't anything grand since after they settled back into real life where they weren't in the danger of being murdered, they got even more comfortable with each other (got mistaked for a couple a lot too) and the confession was just them having their normal movie marathon and in vetween films Kokichi said "hey we should be boyfriends" Shuichi was calm about it at first "oh okay...wait really?!" but then he kinda realised what Kokichi just asked "you like me?" Kokichis eyes started to well up with crocodile tears as he spoke "i thought you would notice all the clues i left behind to show my love mister detective!" and yeah that was it. Some more srutters on Shuichis side and some teasing nicknames on Kokichis and they were officially boyfriends

Kokichi has no problem with showing affection (like kissing or hugging, being clingy) publicly when its just for the sake of being close and not for deeper affection

Saihara gets really blushy really easily during these moments since there's a lot of people staring and his anxiety gets to him. Ofc when he hugs or kisses back he relaxes

if Kokichi notices that Saihara is too stiff he let's go of him slow enough to give him some time to make a decidion. It doesn't happen that often after being together for a long time, but the times it does Kokichi knows. He always does

In private however it is the complete opposite. Every fleeting touch and sweet kiss means something. While it is for the sake of being close it's also full of meaning and intention, a way to get to know each other, to be themselves away from the prying eyes of the public or friends, to feel safe and calm and to just feel eachother in general. To know that Kokichi isn't gone and to know that Shuichi is not alone

Shuichi usually initiates these more private moments as he feels much more comfortable with only Kokichi and no one else. He simply rubs the back of Kokichis hand while they're watching a movie or places soft kisses against his collar bones and shoulders when they cuddle. He always wants to solve an another mystery involving the boy he fell for, the little liar that allowed Shuichi out of all people to get to know him better and he won't waste that opportunity.

On the other hand, Kokichi during these moments is the one that blushes most. His cheeks never fail to get red and Shuichi always compliments him in his "you're my whole world and more" voice when he sees his partner. It took time to get used to the feeling of being vulnerable with someone that isn't his family (D.I.C.E.). He just couldn't handle the pure amont of care and love in Shuichis voice and how the eyes of the detective were staring at him as if he was solving yet another mystery. However as time passed Kokichi got more and more comfortable with the idea of letting someone see the "true" him even if it's bit by bit

It is 1 am and i have school tomorrow so ill probs write more at school tmrw :D for now enjoy these and sorry for any mistakes :[

[iconsumeheadcanons]

April 19: Role Reversal AU

“You really should go to bed,” Morgana says to Ren with a big yawn.

Ren pays the boy no mind, continuing his foray through a box full of metaverse junk. Futaba laughs from her perch on Ren’s bed and gives a little kick to Morgana’s back.

“You should just give it up, leader,” Futaba says, typing away at her laptop, “He’s been inside way too long to worry about human concepts of time!”

Morgana pouts and pushes himself up from the floor with indignation, “It’s not like you're any better! You go to school and you still don’t go to bed on time!”

Futaba snorts and rolls over so she can bop Morgana on his head, but she misses and swipes at his tummy instead. Mona squeaks and then swipes back, and then the two first-years are engaged in a brawl of tickles and tugs that lands them both on the floor.

Marion sighs heavily at their antics and tries to act like he’s not irritated, but when Morgana’s foot flies just millimeters shy of his beak, he snaps. “Stop horseplaying will you! If you two keep shouting you’ll wake up Sakura-san!” His feathers puff up so he looks like an angry ball of black.

Futaba pauses, unknowingly saving herself from banging her head on Ren’s PC, and frees a hand to fix her glasses. After a second to process Marion’s complaints, she snorts and raises an eyebrow at the angry crow. “‘Horseplay’? What are you, my teacher?”

Marion growls in response and flies up to Ren’s shoulder to glare down at the idiots. “Had I not been teaching you all this time, Isshiki would have killed you both for all the noise you would have made in his library!”

“Well, we were noobs then,” Futaba jokes, taking Morgana’s offered hand so she can stand up, “We’re much more sneaky now! Right, Ren?” She leans over Ren’s hunched form.

Engrossed in his material sorting, Ren does not answer. Marion narrows his beady eyes at Futaba’s looming face.

“...Damn, he’s really into that, huh,” Futaba observes, swirling around to the other side of Ren’s collection of boxes so she can watch his face. His eyes are pointedly aimed at his hands, and he dips his head further when he realizes Futaba’s staring at him.

“Futaba…,” Mona scolds and Futaba steps back with a muttered apology. 

The thieves had been spending the end of their summer break reacclimating Ren to existing around strangers and trusting friends. Later in the week, they planned to go to the beach--a challenge for Futaba and Ren both--but neither had allowed themselves to back down. They may have been wordlessly competing over who could ‘push down’ their agoraphobia the best, but it was clear at the end of the day that Futaba had months of near constant companionship (and multiple life and death experiences) with the other thieves and that Ren had spent most of those months contained in Sojiro’s house stewing over fears and angers. 

“Um...Ren? Will you...Will you be okay tomorrow?” Futaba asks quietly with her hands tucked together like she was a scolded child.

“...hm?” Ren looks at Futaba’s wiggling bare toes and absently brushes Marion’s head with his thumb. Futaba and Mona grin at each other. Any noise Ren makes is a sign of his acknowledgement for a conversation, even if he’s too nervous to talk.

“She asked if you would be okay when our senpai come over tomorrow,” Mona says. His smile is supposed to be gentle, but he looks more like a smug cat when he does. 

“W-We can stick around if you want!” Futaba adds hastily,” Mona’s already my key item, but I can be yours if you want! Or, like, your accessory or armor or something!”

“I’ll come with. You’ll need any protection you can get. Takamaki and Sakamoto are almost as rambunctious as these two,” Marion mutters into Ren’s ear.

“Ooi! We heard that, birdbrain!” Futaba shouts with tension-relieving anger, clearly amused at her cliche line.

“Hey! There’s NO way in hell that I’m as loud as Ryuji-senpai!” Argues the leader of the Phantom Thieves, stamping his foot like a child. Marion glares disapprovingly at Morgana as much as his avian features allow him and provides no comment. Behind Mona, Ren’s bedroom door opens and Sojiro leans inside looking haggard. 

“Oi! Quiet it down! This old man needs to sleep, alright?” Sojiro says and then pauses to take in the room that he has seen little of since Ren moved in. “I don’t know what you kids are up to, but Takemi-sensei’s lookin’ for you,” he says to an embarrassed Morgana,” and I’m sure the kid’s had a long day of you and your bird squawking around him. You two can go back to...whatever you’re doing tomorrow, yeah?”

“Sorry, Boss,” Mona says, offering an arm for Marion to land on and reaching for his bag with the other.

“You’re fine, kid, just let sensei know where you are every once and awhile. Parents get worried, y’know?” Sojiro says with a fond smile and a hand behind his neck.

“Yes, sir,” Morgana nods. Behind him, Futaba coos at Sojiro’s words.

“And, you, young lady, need to get to bed too,” Sojiro points to Futaba and puts on a strict tone to cover his embarrassment, “If you don’t fix your sleep schedule now, you’re gonna be a mess when school starts back up again.”

“Aww, Sojirooooooo…” Futaba whines, “But I live here!”

“Yes, but this is his space, so you got to let him have it. You guys have done a lot for him recently, but you know he needs some time alone just like you did, alright? Besides, it’s late and you need to take your meds.”

“...Message received,” Futaba mumbles, turning to look back at Ren, “Good night! Don’t die!”

“Bye, Ren, see you tomorrow!” Morgana says. He leaves the room with a chuckling Sojiro on his tail and a chittering Futaba by his side.

When Morgana and Marion make it to the Yongen-Jaya streetlevel, they breathe in the humid air together with contemplative silence. All the nearby shops and izakayas have long been closed for the night and few pedestrians are about on the streets. Mona can hear fewer cars from the highway above the streets than usual and he tries to take in the rare loudness of his footsteps on the pavement. He passes a baffled business man as he walks under the light of the apartment-slash-clinic building where he and Takemi live, the light illuminating the calm crow perched on his shoulder. Unperturbed by the stranger, Mona carries on to the stairs to the building elevator, more worried about the notifications he sees from Takemi on his phone. He knew he was out late, but really this late?

I’m coming up right now, He types with both hands, waiting for the slow ass elevator to come down.

He gets a ping almost right away, and he expects it to be Takemi, but he is delightfully surprised to see a message from Ren on the groupchat.

Its Joke: futaba ill be good tmrw

Its Joke: i mean how bad can a student council president and a private school kid be?

The Gay Panther: Thats the spirit!! ♪(ﾟ▽^*)ﾉ⌒☆

‘Science class hazard’: you speak big little man!

Mama’s boy 101: hey its not like im stuck up or anythng!

Ass Kicker 3000: I’m glad you’re all excited but please go to sleep 

The messages continue even after Makoto’s plea, but Morgana puts his phone away and steps into the rickety elevator with a fond shake of his head.

Marion, who had been looking over Morgana’s shoulder, looks up to Morgana’s face and says, “You are all children.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Mona yawns, pushing down on Marion’s head with a teasing hand. “That’s what we have you for.”

[h0bi]

gn babies ily !!

[spegetty]

bonjour, i was tagged by my absolute favourite @urbisie sie for this and you bet my ass is avoiding homework!!

rules: answer these 85 questions about yourself and then tag 20 people

ill put this under a cut because it’s long af so enjoy or whatever

last?

drink: water

phone call: a friend who was looking for me 

text message: a friend and a girl who’s throwing a party that im trying to get out of

song you listened to: call out my name by the weeknd

time you cried: Tuesday, September 4th, 2018. (first day of school LOL)

ever?

dated someone twice: no

kissed someone and regretted it: yEp

been cheated on: no

lost someone special: yea

gotten drunk and thrown up: lol

fave colors? green

in the last year have you?

made new friends: yea

fallen out of love: no

laughed until you cried: no?

found out someone was talking about you: yes

met someone who changed you: yes

found out who your friends are: im going to say no because im still in high school and so far i only like one of my friends within my friend group? but @wingsofanillyrian  and @mydarlingwhitethorn are my forever LOL

kissed someone on your facebook friends list: no

general

how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: i don’t have facebook

do you have any pets: no:(

do you want to change your name: yea but idk what

what did you do for your last birthday: ate pasta and cried

what time did you wake up today: 7am

what were you doing last night at midnight: sleeping because sleeping meds

what is something you can’t wait for: graduating!!!!

what are you listening to right now: noyhing rn

have you ever talked to a person named tom: yep

something that gets on your nerves: people at my school

most visited website: youtube/netflix

hair colour: dark brown

long or short hair: medium ish? im cutting it tmrw tho so ,,

what do you like about yourself: ,,,yikes

want any piercings: oh hell yea i want my fourth lobes and my rook

blood type: no clue

nicknames: getty, lolo, ryn 

relationship status: single

zodiac sign: aquarius

pronouns: she/her

fave tv show: b99

tattoos: none (yet)

right or left handed: right

ever had surgery: no

piercings: 7

sports: track and field!!!!

vacation: went to ontario in august

trainers: ???

eating: i love guacamole 

drinking: coffee

i’m about to watch: the 100 

waiting for: graduation (i hate my school.)

want:a lot, i am never pleased

get married: idk im young af and cbf but maybe/??

career: no

hugs or kisses: ..neither

lips or eyes: eyes

shorter or taller: taller

older or younger: older

nice arms or stomach: arms i guess idk?

hookup or relationship: this bitch has commitment issues so,, hook up LOL

troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

have you ever?

kissed a stranger: nope

drank hard liquor: yes

lost glasses: no

turned someone down: yea

sex on the first date: no

broken someone’s heart: not that im aware of?

had your heart broken: no

been arrested: no

cried when someone died: yes

fallen for a friend: no

do you believe in?

yourself: currently, yes. generally, no because i’m a piece of shit 

miracles: no

love at first sight: no

kiss on the first date: sure

angels: no

other?

best friend’s name: i have 3; Nanaki, Jaclyn ( @wingsofanillyrian ), and Miriam ( @mydarlingwhitethorn )

eye colour:  brown

fave movie: really loving Crazy Rish Asians rn

favourite actor: awkwafina

favourite food: i really love dim sum (specifcally 蝦餃 it’s bomb af)

extrovert or introvert: introvert

favourite flower: roses

favourite hello kitty characters: gudetama omfg what a legend

tagging: @wingsofanillyrian @highlady-of-slytherin @musicmaam @mydarlingwhitethorn uhffa anyone else idk i did this out of pure procrastination LOL do what you want 

[knifemin]

@indi-draws ill answer that ask tmrw when i wake up cuz i’m sleeping now and i was busy when u sent it aaa

[coffeeselfies]

This is technically the “I think I need coffee,” selfie, but it’s been so long since I’ve posted that I figured anything was better than nothing.

I’m still trying to sleep through the inspiration of a very wonderful Bob Goff.

I. love. him.

But on to darker things, like my not-so-distant past!

Hahaha. So I was looking for an old assignment I e-mailed myself, and instead found a bunch of cryptic-heavy things I had texted one of my rarely used e-mails from my phone.

So of course I’m going to put them together, here, since I will probably just lose them otherwise. And because everyone on the internet loves reading the things I e-mail to, well, myself (WAIT, DO I NOT HAVE FRIENDS, WHAT IS MY LIFE). :p

4/12/12 - A veces no quiero hablar Por Nada con mis amigos. Solamente, "Hoy me dice ,estas loca, pero le esta loco a Juan!" Y mas Nada. Yo quiero hablar about cosas lejas. Ayer y Hoy hable con jean y veronika, solamente small talk primer. Pero despues, yo decido hablar about the things which I was.actually thinking about lately, the deeper layers. My thoughts were kind of awkward. Random. But I'm so glad I did, it lead to such good convos! As if, although my own thoughts or specific revelation (another one about love, of course), but led to true, sincere convos from the heart. Yes! Thank you, Lord. It's funny how I won't open up and ill get frustrated at the lack of depth in a conversation, yet really all I need to do in some cases is just jump right into the true issues. Ahh small talk kills me.

3/4/12 - He asked us a few questions: Who are you using?

How are you using them?

Physically. Sexually. Emotionally. Spiritually. Monetarily.

How can you restore that? Who's using you? Do you love money, and use people?

Or do you love people, and use money?

5/9/12 I think my id and superego are in conflict... I prefer that psychological term to saying that right vs wrong or my flesh is in rebellion, I guess. I just want to do all sorts of things that aren't of God, and i don't even know what to do. I think I need to just remember that life is short, and not about what I want. I'm getting too caught up in the worldly details, my visions going, my path, every time I think I'm expanding it, is getting more and more limited. Goodnight, from post Dave n busters with cartel, post umsl, going to school tmrw. 

5/17/12 - "Can you keep a secret?" I should have realized by now that this question should be answered with fear and heaviness rather than curiosity.

5/29/12 - I dreamt that, after they thought I had left, my parents started fighting. Loudly, viciously, hatefully. I came down shouting, 'stop it, stop it!!' But their heads were already covered in blood, as I'd they were going to kill eachother. I never found out if they stopped or not, because dad called to me in real life from the other room. At first I wondered if I had really been shouting, and that's why he had contacted me, but no, it was just about bulk trash being today. Something sounds like its gnawing on something, I can hear and feel the vibrations of it through my pillow. Creepy. 

6/4/12 - I have always been a compassionate person – making little houses for wounded snakes and worms – befriending the kid who’s got no one but himself for company, partnering with the girl who doesn’t really speak English. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve recognized that God has been faithful in granting me patience, mercy, and grace as well, and I know that these are not my own,  but I am meant to share them with the very people God has give me a heart for – the downtrodden, broken, and outcast, and ultimately just humanity in general.  This has, more or less, been my (more recent) life pursuit. To follow God’s Will for my life, regardless of where it takes me. So far that has meant giving hope to weary and often lost travelers of Amsterdam, mentoring at risk juveniles and raising awareness for human trafficking in Los Angeles, running English and Summer-School programs for Chinese immigrants in New York City, training and creating jobs for families in Haiti, as well as hosting events and creating opportunities for girls to leave brothels , learning how to run a business in Mexico while also helping out at various orphanages for disabled Children, and even just being there for my own family and friends when they’ve needed it most. It has meant months of Ministry Training schools, years of living in International Community Houses, working in roles that range from administration, to construction, to managerial, and an ever growing reliance on and relationship with Jesus Christ.I’ve been back in Saint Louis for a year now,

7/1/12 - Today started strangely, my head still a little blurry from the wine from the night before. I went to church, very late, where daren had a cupcake waiting for me. Why? Because Tuesday I had admitted I had experienced some downer bdays and he realized that it was my half birthday. Mom came, cried, we hugged, went to the church picnic.. I went home, told dad about her accident, and he just started weeping, so hard that his nose began to.bleed. I stroked his hair and.got a bit teary eyed.and then we got.on our knees and prayed... Later was feeling down and missing Luke, but jean got me out.

11/11/12 - And with your hands in the air, your feet barely touching ground, I take that smile to mean that life is finally turning 'round. And we laugh til we cry and we dance til we cant, and I feel free as can be each time I see that gleam in your eye. Then the secrets come out and its less about being blessed and more about a high. So when you're dancing I'm wondering if that's you, and when you're singing, I know you would be singing.the blues... But that gleam in your eye, well really its more of a glaze all along, I just saw what I wanted as you,strung me along. 

12/20/12 -

Well the queens off her throne Hiding in a stairwell Feet strewn about the stairs Seeming barely aware That her kingdom awaits The king, divorced long ago He's crying Where's his iron fist? Seems he's traded it for sentiment "Pathetic!" He might self accuse If only his tears would let him Seems everything's a dream these days, Some hellish, some sweet But all 

--

I used to find the idea of receiving a text in the middle of the night strange.

Now, after years of practice, I find it comforting, perhaps a reminder that I am not so alone as I would feel.

I hadn't realized this, of course, until now.

Now, when I wake up to nothing but darkness and my own thoughts.

Now, when, regardless of whether I toss myself awake at 2am or 4am, there is no message.

There's nothing to reassure me that there's another person in this world who is awake and eager to share a moment, even a small, electronic message with me.

1/11/13 - Today Gave my testimony. Adopt a block, played ninja. Eva likes hanging out with Christians. I break rules and have real convos with the disciples. Play bs. Go to angelus temple. Do food distribution. Met hosea who talked to us because he thought I was pretty, was super catholic, thought tim was my bf, etc etc etc

1/29/13 - Oh hi, I'm feeling cold and pathetic, and thought I would ... Email myself. That seems fitting. Somehow emailing yourself feels much more pathetic than just journaling. Right now I feel like I wish anyone, absolutely anyone , would sit down across from me. Even the old creepy man who, after asking a few non essential questions, left me for the warmth of the indoors, or... I don't know, a donut. Why do I feel like this.Lord? Is it because I am not so busy in school? Is it because Adam moved and despite the fact that I was barely hanging out with him last semester anyway, he was a crutch, and knowing that at 1am when I feel pathetic and lonely and confused, I can't even text someone I know would care? I mean. I know others would care. But we aren't exactly on that level just yet. What is my life? Why am I this way, and why do I want attention for it? Or why do I feel the need to find someone who would , what, save me ? From myself.? From my thoughts? Why am I seeking comfort in shallow things, the wings of friends and acquaintences and , frick, anything. Whywhywhywhy. I don't know. Is this what life is like for people? Lord, you are the one God, the only thing worth it, you are good when no one else is, am I getting caught up in things that I shouldn't, what am I even going on about? Life life life. It's all good, right

2/13/13 - (From a voice to text translator)

tomorrow I'm supposed to have an awkward cuddling session with my love scene manager and a love my phone from church I'm not sure how I get myself into these awkward situations but I definitely am good at it office tomorrow my uncle is moving in for a month but should be really awkward and I wish that I had a lock on my door and the house I'm learning that the things that I desire to have a find myself feeling empty when I do get them but I'm happy about it because it gets me clarity because it shows me that nothing else really matters is just kind of in my head really got the only thing that matters is the only thing I should pursue S I miss Adam I know you won't hang out that much before you left but now I guess I'm missing him double I don't know I don't know what I mean exactly but he's been gone a few weeks now and it's weird not having a best friend to talk to you about everything I have a lot of friends I have a lot of good friends but this is different it is different when you have someone who knows so much about you already and you don't have to tell the back story every time you tell them a new story because I already know who so I'm so is or why you feel that way or white was a bad idea that you did that so I'm also giving up ice cream and I'll call for lunch and I'm going to be time to eat a lot better subject tomorrow hopefully that I've also really just been wanting to be free of employment just live and everyday wake up and say what I want to do without help homeless people if I want to make something I want to sell another day love you babe I wanna go out with a friend I make my card I definitely don't want to spend 5 shifts a week at cartel but at the same time I don't feel like I'm self disciplined enough to not have a job I'm just getting tired of the creepers and the internet the kids off work as well as yeah I don't know ent from my HTC on the Now Network from Sprint!

8/18/13 -

Woke up really missing my dad. Go figure. Able to properly seduce emotions into a flat, shruggable denial ever since those first few days, and now, on the day I hoped to "stay strong" the most, I can't stop thinking of part of the song he wrote for Rachel, only now in regards to him - "I miss you, in the summertime.. I miss you, in the wintertime.. I miss you - all the time. I love my Rachel Sue." Only.. Daddy-o, or something. Ahhh.. Thank you, Lord, for such a kind father. Please help today glorify your name, run smoothly.. its so obvious we can't do it without you.

8/19/13 - I miss my dad. I am sad that I'll never have him burst in my room in November at three am with pancakes and lit birthday candles because he started thinking about some of the birthdays of mine he had missed, and wanted us to be able to celebrate  together. I can't drink milk or even look at rootbeer without hearing him ask for some, so eagerly, and then sigh 'mmmm, now that's good,' so contentedly after his first sip. I miss that his crazy stories are not going to be things that I share in everyday conversation with my friends, because they're all old stories and it will seem out of place. who do i have to talk to about my dad? no one. it makes everyone sad. theres no one to just share his life with, aside from close family, and that will be limited. Everyone keeps telling me I'm so strong. What does that mean?I'm strong because I didn't start sobbing when I spoke? Because I'm smiling and laughing with you? Is that strength or disposition? Blake said that I was handling this better than anyone he's ever seen deal with death. What does that mean? 

12/13/13

I see a sadness in your eyes.Behind the words, another message.The weight of your world becomes tangible, heavy, a thickness that weights me like a fog rolling in with, strapping invisible bricks to my body. Sometimes it's your words, blatant and straightforward, other times it's the sighs, the eyes that flash with emotion for just a moment, Did you know that's been seen? So many words, how can they be contained? I hear things you've never said, I see 

1/03/14-

I've tried reflecting on 2013.. tried finding words which could somehow, miraculously encapsulate all of the growth, struggle, joy, depression, transformation, and experiences that it contained. It will be one of the most memorable years of my life, for many reasons, but it may also be one of those years that the full impact of may be lost on me for awhile now.In the past few weeks, I've been looking through journals, photos, and letters, remembering and realizing exactly how many changes this year has brought. Led my first missions trip, felt the loss of saying goodbye to one of my best friends, discovered what living with not just my dad, but my uncle Ken, five chickens, two cats, two ducks, a dog, and whoever else decided to stay over was like, became the missions director at middletree church, became an AUNT to the most beautiful little Emelia Skye, gained a new set of amazing and wonderful friends, played nurse/daughter/friend/staff member/sister/maid/hopsicecare/barista/student/leader to the point of confused identity and exhaustion, left cartel to become part of the Caife Caife family, DIDN'T leave the country for the first time in yeaaaaars, actually had to turn down exciting travel/jobs, speaking opportunities, and a leadership position with a non-profit (rather than seek them out, like usual), spent 7 months of the year experiencing the beauty, hardship, and love of caring someone who is dying in more and more ways every day, the trauma and release of my dad's actual death, the months following that are nothing but fog, sorrow, and blurred memories, the 14-state family road trip of a lifetime, moving to the Loop with Dani, experiencing being 'home for the holidays' without any actual family to be home with, and .. I don't know.. the Sara of today, who can look back on things only a year ago and find I have a whole new perspective on them. ..I only wrote one public (well, as public as it can be when I have a total of 8, predominately inactive followers) blog post in 2013, mostly talking about overcoming fear to become the person I feel I'm called to be. It was mostly inspired by revelations from the LA Dream Center trip, and I can't tell you how nice it is to be able to look back on the goals and dreams I wanted so desperately to become a reality, and to be able to say that, even through all the changes and sorrow of this year, that they were able to come to fruition. I'm not in to new years resolutions, but I do highly recommend kickstarting your year with an inspiring, transformative experience, which can set the trajectory for how you are going to live, what goals you will meet or fall short of (but still come closer to, which is still GROWTH, something to celebrate!) in the coming adventure of 2014. No matter what 2013 held, don't let fear of who you were just last month keep you from being who you want to be tomorrow. This little blog post is nice for me to re-read, because it reminds me of my fears, and what overcoming them, even one step at a time, can lead to. 2013 was a hard year for me, but it has also brought me to exactly where I feel I'm supposed to be right now. 

1/29/14 - "I'm good" I wore the reassuring words like a blanket. Cover, no, smother whatever was beneath, within.   Protect yourself from the cold, vulnerable words might slip thru the holes in the blanket... exposed means they can feel temperature of your meaning. Heavy, heat from the heart. you can feel their response.  Pray for a warm touch, but there's always risk of icicle daggers

2/19/14

it's just that

I have a lot of thoughts

ideas, fears, ..a lot of places that I'd like to explore

But they feel so heavy when it's just me and them

feels like there’s a lot of trees to climb before i get to the clouds

and I'd like to share them with someone

who cares about them just as much as I do,

someone with just as much to risk,

who understands each side of the story.

And sometimes, I see planets in those eyes,

but have no rocketship to get me there

And I see that depth, but there's just no way to tap in

Im searching for someone to explore with

those infinite galaxies in your mind and mine.

Someone to make sense of it,

write poetry about it

but not get so caught up that it's just us - no

Always God first.

Always seeking his planets, his stars, his truth..

and maybe that's the adventure..