#ill ask my mom if she remembers
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jerenneito 🩵
#käärijä#jere the merenneito#i meant to work on another unfinished drawing today#or maybe some more corn pea kä prompts#but nahhhhh instead i was like not this wip.. or this one.. nahh not feeling it#OOH what about an even older wip i didn't even remember i had#that's the one ill finish today babeyy 😎👌#so here. another mermaid!jere from me lol#the old one i did has kind of been on my mind lately bc my mom keeps asking me if i can have it printed and framed for her 😂#she just moved and apparently that's the piece of art she'd like to have adorning her walls lmao#anyway. what was this rambling oop#my stuff
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th-them... <3<3<3!!!
(naomi is not licking her!!! shes sticking her tounge out, i was just too lazy to fix it; she´s not a gross germ gremlin; just a brat lmao)
#okayy; count this as a de stress doodle i should absolutely left for later#ya girl is still taking abyssmal descitions after yesterday´s incident </3#anyways; thinking abt them <3 the siblings ever <3#false prophecy child; kid who spent about 8 years straignt alone trying not to die; and chaos gremlin#that is an incredible over simplification of their lives lmao#all 3 are related but its funky; nao and akira are literal blood siblings but havent seen each other in years; nao barely remembers him :(#meanwhile nyx goes into the picture bc their dad picked her up after she ended up in egarim (mirror dimension)#oh theres so much to unpack here abt their designs but ill leave that for another day#unless im asked? 👀please ask me abt my ocs 👀#<- that is a trap; i will not shut up if anyone gives me a reason to start#my art#my ocs#naomi#akira#nyx#huh this doesnt even belong to a specific story#epilogue#i guess...#oh also forgot to mention nyx is related to them bc she´s from the past and comes from the same clan as their mom :>
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had a dream I had a boyfriend and he wanted to come to a therapy session to talk abt smn unrelated to our relationship (this was 100% cool with me) but my therapist instantly hated him and she was like "justify to me why you're here 🤨🤨🤨 name something u like abt ridley and then maybe ill let u talk" like what 😭😭 it was just me being a mediator bc they were arguing. Which is insane it was like couples therapy but evil
#it was very strange.. the boyfriend was a completely made up guy also not anyone i know#also like. idr what it was but i wanted to talk abt it with my therapist and he was being encouraging and asked if him joining + keeping me#on track would be helpful and i said yes bc i thought it was/would be sweet and there was so much dread bc my therapist was MAD#i also remember we hadnt been dating for very long so i hadnt talked a lot abt him to my therapist prior but she was livid it was weird..#i also was like. well. if she hates him maybe im stupid and we shouldnt be dating and maybe i should go die in a hole also#it was so strange.... hmmm. i have more thoughts now actually but that may be deeply personal..#i will say my therapist kinda felt like my mom in the dream. i wanted her approval sooo bad. i met with my therapist today btw it was normal#like. i care what she thinks but its not as intense by any means and like. idk. i dont think im capable of having a normal therapist-patient#relationship. not bc of any therapist being bad at their job/boundaries i just get very emotionally invested in them as a person#IDK thats also complicated. maybe ill make that a different post or never talk abt it again well see.#so many thoughts in my brain but probably a bad idea to elaborate heavily. idk. maybe ill talk abt it with friends later maybe i wont 🤷♂️#.ares
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ghezikjfjekzjkezn i cannot fucking WAIT to move out
#my mom went in my room while i was gone AGAIN#and she threw out stuff AGAIN#it wasnt even the guest room i squat in. i wasnt even gone 24 hours. it was MY room the one nobody else ever has to interact with.#she threw out the carboard boxes i wanted to keep to see if i could craft smth with them#and i knowwww i have a hoarding problem but man. it was a couple of packs of cereals. it was nothing.#i want to throw out everything i've ever fucking owned i want to live in an EMPTY APPARTEMENT i want to own nothing but a mattress#im going to try to talk to her reasonably about it#and like. i feel like a monster because theoretically it's lovely and in credibly nice of her to clean my room#but i did not fucking ask!! holy shit i think i'm old enough to have some fucking responsability over how my room is#it was rank but it's MY room it's out of the way nobody else ever HAS to go in#and i understand i understand yes age is a factor but also as long as i live w my parents (or anybody else) ill have to compromise some#but holy shit!! what if it's filthy? let me live in my filth until i learn to clean it up properly#you could at least fucking ASK. or WARN me. or i dont know. mind your fucking business.#jesus christ im starting to remember why i dont ask for help#broadcasting my misery#vent
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Everyone in The Talented Mr Ripley is just the physical embodiment of a Leyendecker painting(including the homoerotica!!)
#my god guys that movie!!! THAT MOVIE!!!!!!#i was only watching it bcs i wanted to watch more Matt Damon movies and i saw him talk abt it in an interview#and hes very cute when he was younger so im like ooo sure ill watch it!!#and my mom was like oh okay ill watch it! i havent seen it since it came out#DID NOT EXPECT IT TO BE SO GAY?????????(/pos of course)#for like the first 20 mins my mom is like 'youre reading into it too much. its not gay'#AND THEN THE BATHTUB SCENE 🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠#what if we played chess except you were naked in the bath and i asked if i could get in along w you 😳#and from then on proceeded to become increasingly homoerotic#i will pretend the last 5 mins didnt happen 🙏#matt damon 🫢 i didnt realize he could play a queer chara!! he was soooo fucking good!!#its mostly bcs i didnt expect it to be homoerotic at all so i kept screaming every time it just got more#also bcs my mom denied it bcs she didnt remember it being so queer so i had to just keep looking at her like 😏#i think i liked his second male lover more they were very cute and even more explicitly queer#like with him and jude law its homoerotic but like also youre like huh is it just a close friendship? its a different era so?#but nope nope nope#very great movie very fantastic loved it so much. so sorry for the amnt of gifs im abt to reblog#catie.rambling.txt
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#the day was going so well until my mom decided to be mean to me for no reason in a piblic space where i was already feeling scared and over#stimulated. i wanted to try out the skateboards in decathlon but there were too many people and i got scared. and my mom suddenly said that#the skateboard that she was going to buy for me after/on my birthday. she had decided to buy now. since we were alr in theshop and i said no#way bec i hadnt decided which one i wanted yet and i was soo panicked. and then after some time when id calmed down a bit and was gonna try#to skate anyways she started questioning me abt when i planned on peacticing and where i was gonna do it and i obviously just started saying#things that i thought she would approve of. and then she told me i didnt have the time management skills or resolve to make it work. and she#just kept on passive aggressively bullying me until i just couldnt do it anymore and i told her i wanted go leave the store bc she was#spoiling the mood. and then she started bullying me louder and she told me to stop blaming her bc she was only asking me a question and she#didn't want to waste any more money on things that i wasnt gonna do even though ive wanted a skateboard for years now and have been actively#asking her for months. and i just lost my emergy and my appetite and i wanted to leave the mall and go home but insteaf she gook us to a#bagel place that ive been trying to get her to take us even though i felt like throwing up before we even left the mall and i told her i#didnt want to go there. and my brother even told her that she was ruining things for everyone. and he still ended up blaming me in the end.#but whatever. i kept getting flashbacks to insanely traumatic moments where shed yelled at or bullied me or cornered me or tried to#embarass me in public. and this is most likely my last year at home. and my last year of childhood. and its all going to be remembered in my#brain as underwhelming and depressing and mostly horrible. and im going to leave home and never cone back and my last year at home is going#to be just as shitty as every other year and ill just have to deal with that and try to build something good and new and kind when i leave#she shouldnt speak to her own children like this. she shouldnt be looking for reasons to make things miserable for me all the time like this#i should study. my head hurts. my entire body hurts so bad#delete later
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oughhh .... sidney gish is gonna be in baltimore on march 30th (two shows that day) .... and the venue is right near the national aquarium........ god I wanna go so bad
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my relatives swing around between "do not remember lulu exists as a person" and "remembers lulu exists as a person but only in terms of telling her 'oh THANK you for helping your mom' or 'you're helping your mom, RIGHT????' or 'hope you're okay. HOW'S YOUR MOM'"
mother of god, kris, you regularly message my mom and ask her how she is, why fucking go through me all of a sudden
#'are you helping your mom' OH I DON'T KNOW. IN THE LIMITED AMOUNT OF TIMES IN YOUR LIFE THAT YOU'VE SEEN ME.#WHO HAVE YOU SEEN ME WITH??? WHO AM I WITH //RIGHT NOW// AS YOU'RE ASKING ME THIS QUESTION.#I LIVE WITH MY MOM. I HANG OUT WITH MY MOM. OF COURSE I HELP MY MOM.#and i don't need to be!!!! thanked by relatives for doing it!!!!!! what on earth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i know they're just. trying to say things but that doesn't mean it doesn't come off as super fucking condescending and irritating.#i think this is part of. the downside of being the baby in the family is that you are permanently remembered as the baby. even at. almost 2#*almost 29#i looked at my mom and said 'i don't think they'd do this if i had a job.' and she went ' :| honestly. yeah. ugggg.'#because the unspoken theme in the family is 'oh why don't [my mom]'s children have jobs.' bc no one believes in disability.#ALSO MY MOM'S ILLNESS IS NOT ABOUT ME BUT IF SOMEONE COULD GENUINELY ASK ME. HOW I AM DOING.#AND NOT ASK //MY MOM// HOW I'M DOING. LIKE TO HAVE A FAMILY MEMBER ASK //ME//!!!!! WHAT A NOVELTY THAT'D BE#although quite frankly 80% of the family doesn't even ask my mom how she's doing!!!! because this family is enormous and 100% terrible!!!!
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You want to know how bad my memory is?
I was writing last night and I just straight up forgot that Sanji exists. I have been watching this show since 2012, he was my fave Strawhat outside of Luffy pre-TS, and I FORGOT HE EXISTED.
I was like 'hm yes well the ones who would understand are Nami and Robin... W- wasn't there one more I was thinking of a moment ago? Wasn't there another one who'd Get It?????'
'it's not Chopper. Definitely not Usopp. And it's not Zoro. That's all the remaining Strawhats at this point in the story. So... Why am I convinced I'm forgetting someone? Let's go through the arcs in my head agai- OH MY GOD, I FORGOT SANJI'
#When I tell you my memory is shit... 😭 I used to own a Sanji shirt. What the fuck??#When that post about the memory issues finally leaves my queue#Like I joke about it but this shit can be genuinely terrifying. Like knowing my brain is getting worse. Knowing I'm probably forgetting#Seriously important things and just 'oops I can't remember haha'#It's scary.#I'll never get better because I'll just relive the pain over and over because my brain refuses to remember the help and progress I make#Every day I wake up back at step 1 it's so depressing and scary and horrifying and I hate it#I can never process anything bc I just forget and if I do remember it's like a punch to the chest for the first time every time#And people get SO sick of you after a while. Constantly asking for help. Never remembering anything. They get so annoyed with you.#Anyway. On a lighter note (not actually) I'm trying out a new one-shot :)#Not to speak ill of the 'soon-to-be' dead but Garp was a shit grandfather#So I was like What If Me And Luffy Had The Same Reaction#Because self love starts in recognizing your self through the other god damn it#Even if I finish this idk if I'll post it bc of how personal it is but it has been very cathartic to write#Then again I could just publish it anonymously so my irl friends won't see it. No harm no foul.#I (kid) once pushed my mom (grown adult) out of my room when she caused me to have a meltdown so I could 100% see Luffy doing the same thin#In my defense she had a habit of taunting me and destroying my stuff to punish me after inciting meltdowns and I just wanted to be alone#I was like 7 years old at the time (hell year hell year) so I doubt I actually hurt her. She just looked surprised. I remember that.#Sometimes I wonder why I identify so much with werewolves and then I remember ah yes. The childhood of being treated like a monster.#Like a freak because when people kept pushing your boundaries you'd rather bite than let them do whatever they want to you#Oh boo hoo such a terrible thing for a child to be... Protective of themselves...#ANYWAY. like I said this wasn't going to be much lighter.#I want Luffy to punch the lights out of Garp to protect his friends. Not even in-canon just in this fic#Ik in-canon Garp is a complex guy and loads of fans love him but... Smash eggs make sandwiches know what I'm saying?#Yeah GROOVY
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sudden vivid memory of being 14-15 years old and daring to wear knee-length boy’s shorts to a local summer festival in one of my first public acts of transgenderism and despite that being the most mundane thing on earth (especially considering I was still not allowed to cut my hair at that point so i by no means looked mistakably like a guy or anything) being verbally torn to shreds to the point of sobbing by my mother upon getting home because I was apparently making myself (and her by association) look bad and being a flagrant humiliation in front of my friends’ parents. i guess sometimes i forget how scarring and often terrifying simply Existing as a trans kid was lol
#cw transphobia#my mom’s said some of the worst things you can imagine to me re: my gender over the span of my life#but at least now I’m an adult with some autonomy and years of built-up resistance and im not as young and impressionable and whatever#i remember this sort of thing and how legit terrifying it was and just go hm. impressive i never killed myself but boy do i live with the#mental reprocussions of living through it#im just glad im on t now and i pass and I don’t hate looking at myself in the mirror or feel like I want to rip my body apart#god being a teenager was just fucking awful#my friend asked the other day what I’d do if I had to re-live my teens again and while she was like hell yeah I’d be so smart and I’d do#everything right this time around and etc. I just. still sat there like oh yeah no I’d kill myself#getting through those years as a trans kid + family issues + mental illness + etc was like being hauled over broken glass#and I would rather die than have all the effort and endurance go to waste just to do it again#anyway sorry this was random and sad#i need to get up and eat that’s probably why I’m. like this right now#kibumblabs
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as im getting closer & closer to the day that i will officially leave my hometown & go live with my dad i am starting to understand my ocs more
#avani most notably rn. bc shes actually my age and leaves behind everyone and everything she knows#having to grow up the rest of the way in an entirely different situation#because even if the situation youve been in for all your teen years has sucked ass the entire time its still.#its familiar? like. yk. familiar suffering is better than the unknown#personal#ive lived in that house my entire life. ive been with my dad for long stretches of time (all of summer break for instance) and it was fine#i KNOW i cant stay there. my mom's partner has actually physically hurt me and theyre both awful to me#and i also know that the only reason why its been somewhat good there lately is because i rarely speak to them anymore#that is not a house to live in! and i fucking love my dad. my stepsiblings. my stepmom!!#and its not even just the fact that im moving. right. i could probably handle that were it not for me also finishing high school.#i got financial support as a student whos 18+ while i was in high school. now its.#i need to get an income. in a region i barely know. being both physically & mentally disabled.#but not so disabled that im *incapable* of work!! which the law here asks for!!#(or i am and i just dont realize it because ive been working past my limits for so long ive forgotten what they are el em ay oh)#also ill miss my cat so fucking much#i love my dad's cats but shes special man#i miss her rn actually but im going back for the last time in a few days so#i was like. tearing up bc of the anxiety but then i remembered my cat and now im actively trying not to cry loudly#bc its. yk. almost 6 am and its almost waking up time for everyone here except me because. my school ended last month#its bedtime for me actually but i couldnt sleep because i was too busy crying over the fact that i am never going to get that room back#i miss being a child#at least back then it wasnt that complicated! i didnt know i was being mistreated when i was 11!#all of this doesnt even matter that much im just really bad with transitions. which is ironic. im transgender#though granted ive put off getting on that list for that exact reason. im scared of transitioning#like the moment im comfortably settled here and have a job and/or disability benefits. all of this will just be embarrassing#something to look back on and laugh. and then cry because i still miss my cat.
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i miss wearing menhera. i should get back into it.
#the bin#never got a chance to get many oieces cause i was a teenager when i was real into it before#i kinda ket go of it when i moved over to tumblr and had really bad experiences in the community. idk what its like now. that was years ago#i miss the amino i used to be in. it was really nice.#now that im an adult and i can buy and wear what i want tho i shoudo really get back into it#i probs wont get much into the tumblr community tho. idk whatbits like now but considering what a lot of other adjacent communities#are like for other styles ill probs mind my own business like i do with the other ones#i remember when i was trying to convince my mom to let me buy some medical themed jewelry from an etsy store and it had the tags#more menhera on it and she looked it up and came to me supwr concerned and i lied and said oh no no no im not into that style#thats just ankther style that usedbthese things but if u see here it also has tags fir these styles and those are the ones im into#and apparently she actually did believe me. i kinda assumed she didnt but i talked to her abt it more recently and apparently she did#i kinda wanna go back and read menhera chan. its a shame the creator sucks abt stuff but i do still like the character and aesthetic of it#but i wouldnt wanna give him money so id probs not buy anything not second hand. idk. the character used to really important to me#ask a very sad teenager. idk. i like menhera much more outside of that character tho.#hmm. well. add it to the list of styles i wanna grow my wardrobe for. i also miss drawing menhera art a lot. would love to get back into it
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#the whole vet situation gives me such trauma whiplash im too busy with that that i havent really given myself a chance to process today#all i can think about is how painful eating must be for mischa#i noticed she slowed down a bit and wouldnt eat kibble or hard snacks but i thought it might be one single tooth ache idk#i actually thought she was doing better because she slowed down because she has been gulping down food way too fast since the shelter#the last time she had tooth problems like 2-3 years ago i asked a friend to come with me to the vet and she said omg yes of course#and then she resumed texting me normal stuff throughout the day of the appointment and only after i didnt reply the whole day she noticed#like 10 hours too late she was like OH SHIT HAHA!! and this is literally what happens every time when i ask someone to be there for me#when i make myself really vulnerable and ask for help and say that i cant do something alone they let me down#while knowing that i have no one else#i asked my mom to come to the vet once and she literally only talked about herself the whole time distracting me#and then she was like haha yeah lets just drop off the cat at home and go get some lunch hihi!!!!#she never remembers vet appointments even when we just talked about them and loves making fun of me for being stressed and tense#like OH NO WONDER YOU WERE MOODY like im on my period or something#i texted a friend about mischas health issues and me losing my job and she hasnt replied since january and doesnt really talk to me anymore#so i guess that friendship is done too#ill have to go there on thursday alone and overdraft my account and wait until the evening and care for mischa all alone#i cant even talk with someone about this because no one understands or judges my emotions and no one cares anyway#and then ill have to go back to work where everyone knows that i will be gone soon and will pester me about it#they all think of me as a temporary intern anyway and ask WHEN WILL YOU GO FIND A REAL JOB while they make me do theirs#everything and everyone at that job is so horrible and so many people leave and they never learn#a colleague i helped teaching everything suddenly turned on me &my other colleague & made our lives miserable while badmouthing us viciously#and everyone in the office chose her over us and let her get away with it while she screamed at us and behaved like a child#its so ironic how i stayed because i needed money to live and now when i go i will have 0 because of the surgery#i mean its worth it but like#what the fuck is life and what will it fucking be next month
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sometimes i forget that i just Went to a kesha concert w one of my mom's coworkers just kind of on a whim
#⸸#i mean it was fun . i dont remember alot of it but it was fun#this wasnt that long ago either . we were just ... at some place w her and some of my mom's other friends/coworkers#and she had an extra ticket and just asked everyone if they wanted to go . and everybody kinda like sheepishly declined#so i went yeah ill go i dont have anything going on . its funny to me . i was just tagging along w my mom and i went to see kesha with#this lady i kinda know from volunteering at the library#anyways yeah . it was fun i think . kesha's pretty good . i think she married someone on stage ? or renewed their vows or something ?
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Had a really good day with my mom and it's nice to be rebuilding a relationship with her so im really happy about that. On the other hand tho, I feel like i'm boiling with rage at my dad and my sister
#vark posts#its so strange having these two emotions at the same time#idk if this makes sense but its like the happiness is in my head and the rage is in my chest#my dad and my sister invited me to the ren fair awhile back and i texted them today saying i got the schedule and cant go cause i have work#i asked if they could reschedule and they basically immediately said no with no offered alternative or apology or literally anything#theyre just fine going without me and dont really care if im there or not#my dad even went so far as to try and make me feel like a dumbass#like go fuck urself#just whatever man#im gonna try to focus on the positives#i had a really good day with my mom and she helped me get an adhd checklist from my doctor so i might finally get diagnosed#we had dinner together and she bought me groceries and we talked about a lot of deep things#im going to the ren fair with her instead#i was already gonna go i just was gonna go twice so i could hang with both her and my dad and my sister#ill be fine this isnt anything im not used to and im still lookin forward to the ren fair with my mom!!#and this sunday im having a whole day hang out with my roommates so thatll be super fun!!#i just need to remember to focus on the ppl that actually care about me ya know?
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#not to be an edgelord reddit atheist on main but every time my mom cries and begs god to fix her mental illness#because she can’t take it much longer and people are praying for her and she doesn’t understand why he’s letting this happen to her#I remember reading about this study where people who were prayed for and knew they were being prayed for#had worse post-surgery outcomes compared to the control group#possibly due to the stress/pressure of being expected to get well#🙃🙃🙃 this shit’s evil man. it would be an awful situation regardless but did we need to add the layer of#‘’baby jesus is doing this to you on purpose but maybe he’ll stop if enough of your friends ask nicely enough’’ on top of it
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