#things that i thought she would approve of. and then she told me i didnt have the time management skills or resolve to make it work. and she

[srkgirlblogger]

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[addelaidesupreme]

I'm watching a video essay about a game ive been interested in playing. The creator of the video, who has crossdressed multiple times, makes a "women arent funny" joke, and i suddenly realize ive never witnessed him acknowledge a woman in an uplifting way before.

I'm on a dating app for lgbt+ people. I've stated multiple times on my profile that i would rather lose an arm than recieve nudes without consent. I will be sent five dick pics for every 2 people i talk to that night.

I'm talking with my dad, who informs me he's been trying his best to learn about trans issues. He says the same things steven crowder brings up when trying to ridicule trans people. I gently but firmly correct my father and get told that ive been fed propaganda.

I'm on instagram, under the comments of a post ridiculing someone for being a misogynyst. Someone's left a comment saying "it must be hard being a woman on the internet" and i respond "it is." I will have every aspect of my appearance scrutinized as a reminder that no matter how well i pass, it will never be enough for someone with bad intentions.

I'm back on that dating app for lgbt+ people. I'm messaged by an attractive looking person, but i can see their partner prominently displayed in all but their main photo, oftentimes striking what im sure they thought was a very intimidating pose. Their bio says "looking for a third for our anniversary." I know that even if I did feel up to it, the gruff partner wouldnt approve of me because i don't pass.

I'm at a job interview for a clothing store. I tell the gracefully-dressed woman interviewing me that ever since i began my transition, i've discovered an interest in fashion, and that this job would allow me to dip my toes into the industry in a safe way. I'm told that i've reduced womanhood to a stereotype, and i can tell by her tone that i lost any chance at the job the minute she realized i was trans.

I'm at the same hospital i got facial feminization surgery in, trying to figure out what's wrong with my bowels. When the person behind the desk gives me a wristband with my patient info on it, i notice a single, lonely, letter M. I ask a nurse in private why it would say that despite me having changed it nearly a year prior. They say they have no clue, and bring in paperwork for me to fill out and have it re-changed again.

I'm living with my mom at the time. I'm new to transitioning, and decide to try my hand at voice training. It feels a bit off, but otherwise im feeling neutral toward the whole thing. I try speaking in this new voice to my mom and she laughs. Now, when people ask if i intend to voice train, i find speaking at all difficult for minutes after.

I didnt have some sort of grand message to convey by this. I just had a thought and then that thought spiralled into whatever the hell this became. Some, okay most, might call it complaining; they are right to do so.

[robynbaldurlogs]

baldur log day 1 + 2

day 1 i dont have much to show for this day visually bc i wasnt actively documenting... but essentially, i: made my character, went through the beginning tutorials and stuff, took the little brain guy with me, saved shadowheart, and crashed on the beach. then i stopped playing. here is the only image i took before i got off LOL

day 2 ok. so: shadowheart is cool as fuck. i LOVE her already. cannot wait to strengthen the social link with her or whatever the hell you call it. get the friendship numbers up. this fuckass poem had me dead:

shoutout the bitch queen ig whoever you are. keep serving also i love this fucking guy. i can tell hes a conniving fuck but ohhhh hes kinda hot though!

like why is he kinda cunty. but yea anyways he joined my party. also met this guy. gale. he is strangely charming. but he also gives me zephyr breeze vibes (which is bad) and jack sparrow vibes (which is very good). told my friend speves that and that i thought he looked like a smart himbo and she was like "i dont blame you for that read" + "we'll see" which i Dont Know how to take. my judgements were based off the literal first minute of conversation btw

+ really stupid visual glitch i almost didnt notice. theyre fusing

shadowheart talk your shit man.

"just waiting, like a lovesick puppy?" ...... thats a bad thing? whatever you say man. gonna scare shadowheart with commitment. COMMITMENT JUMPSCARE BOO also little parentheses shadowheart is the most fucking dementia raven way ass name and i love it but it was hard to take it seriously for a little bit. warrior cats ass name. also i got crazy fucking lucky with my rolls. dont have many screenshots but i kept getting high numbers it was lucky as shit up until gale talked to me about needing to consume magical items like crack i read his mind with the mindflayer tadpole and found out it was cus he consumed some crazy ass Dark Magic or something, got a critical failure first, then just used some inspiration i had to get it right, and rolled high as shit LMAO

hit the rolls TWICE btw. read his mind once and then went deeper into his mind which had a 15 dc and got that too. hell yeah baby. also afterwards i was totally honest with him about reading his mind and he freaked the fuck out which fair i read your mind. i get it. but still

then i calmed him down by being like "hey man i had to know. youre dangerous" and passed the persuasion check :sunglasses: easiest game of my fucking life oh i talked to shadowheart abt her pains before that which was cool every conversation i have with her makes me like her more.

i met wyll. great guy. i went to camp to long rest and he dropped some INSANE fucking knowledge on me. like. i could live by this

so i switched gale out in my party with him LMAOOOOOOO and had a conversation with astarion about how hed kill me if i started turning. i asked what he would prefer personally and he said decapitation. which was CRAZY. so i was like yeah sure king decapitate me if i turn. do your thing. i trust your judgment

also talked to shadowheart bc i will seize every chance to learn more about her

then i left camp, talked to kagha while looking for a healer, got them to free a tiefling girl through more persuasion rolls (BECAUSE IM GOATED) and talked to the healer nettie who was fixing a Regular Bird

she told me how strange it is that we arent turning, to swear on my life id drink a poison if i saw any symptoms (which i of course agreed to, shadowheart approved and astarion did not) and stopped playing on the way to rescue halsin. fun times!

p.s. days doesnt necessarily mean im playing this daily but rather just what happens when i play per irl day... days just works as a way to categorize tbh

[cluelylikesporn]

okay exam update cuz im actually really pissed off.

so im autistic + adhd, and only been diagnosed relatively recently, so i havent really been getting assistance until now. (autism diagnosis last year, adhd 2 years ago.)

my last exam was (still is) this period, and im going home once i finish it. one of my other exams i was sent to special ed (it’s called different things in australia and other schools but i dont wanna get doxxed) and the chick helping me (we’ll call her charlie) told me she couldnt even read the questions out to me… like i legit get more help in my normal exam conditions.

she told me WHILE HAVING A PANIC ATTACK “i think i know why your so upset, because you know you dont listen in class and just sleep and draw on your hand.” cunt, what..?

HOW ARE YOU WORKING WITH NEURODIVERGENT KIDS..?

i literally have spent my whole life wondering why i cant listen in class and hearing “just reread it.” or “your not listening hard enough.” is so fucking tiring. maybe explain it? she refused to help me because i “wasnt approved” to have a helper

the school knows im autistic so why do i have to be approved to get the help i need? like you dont have to make up all these forms and files. you have teachers who can help me literally in the building who could help me but you refuse.

okok i got rlly off topic but tldr on what happened today:

my teacher sent me to the special ed area to do my exam (last time he did they told me to go back) also shout out to my english teacher hes a legend. he gave me my sheet, i took a ritalin, said bye to the people i liked and left. (i used to take ritalin daily but now i jst take it to focus better in exams and shit)

i went to se and saw a couple kids i knew. one i hated and didnt know why he was there, one who has some mental problems so i understood why he was there. hes a sweetie. and some chick i knew who broke her wrist and had to write on a laptop.

so one by one they were assigned a teacher who would sit with them and help them/ read out questions and then the lady said “oh chloe your not supposed to be here, you have to go back to class.”

are you fucking kidding me.

i completely understand its not her or my teachers fault im not meant to be there, but im allowed to be a little frustrated. i asked why i kept getting sent here and why i couldn’t get help.

same shit about documents and boring stuff.

keep in mind i get ndis funding so i thought that would impact my education experience but nope, literally nothing. i also understand there could be things my mum hasnt done and that’s completely ok she has her own life, but also THE SCHOOL KNOWS IM AUTISTIC. that should be enough. its like i only get the help if i start ditching class and become an eshay or some shit like i shouldnt have to become a troubled kid to get help.

so the lady said my only benefit i even got from the school is like 5 minutes extra time. and she told me i could either go back to class or do my exam here( which means i could get no help/ questions read to me.)

ngl this was dumb of me but i said ok bc i didnt want to go back to class after saying bye to everyone😭

so i sat there with one airpod in, a pen that didnt fucking work, the only help i could get was eavesdropping on what the assistant teachers were saying but they were so quiet. i did manage to write some stuff but it was pretty fucking stressful. i couldnt stop thinking about what charlie said (the lady helping me with my maths the week before.)

this may sound super dumb but i saw a crow fly onto a table outside and i felt like it was watching over me. like it was looking right at me. it made me feel a bit better and i got some work done.

it wouldve been fine if those fucking assistant teachers didnt keep giving me pitiful looks like bro. i know im fucked.

anyway i finished my exam (barely) and went to the bathroom to tell my friend ab what happened, caught a bus home and am about to play dbd 😾

sorry for the long post im jst so pissed😭 but ily guys and ill post i swear🙏

song of the day:

[royalwriteroftheuniverse]

They got what they wished for

I was wrote this all at once so yea... Reblogs and Comments welcome and appreciated

A sort of Bryce origin story

Warnings: might be triggering for some as it does mention car crash drugs and drinking mentioned Just angst and a tiny bit of fluff. Some spoilers. It mentions injury boarding school that is very strict surgery and hospital

18+ just incase do not repost or publish anywhere

It was truely an an accident

Sure he was drinking they both had been but he had drugs in his system he shouldn't have been driving. But he was. He was and he was the cause of it all. He had opened his eyes and the first thing he did was claw and paw around for her. His first thought truely was of her. There was blood. But it was warm she was warm and then he finally breathed. He had looked and she was pale he was following her body down until- until it was just metal and plastic and then he stopped breathing again.

He was hurt too but....he had tried so hard to get out that night to get out and walk to her to closer but he couldn't. He almost didn't take her hand of of fear of hurting her but he wanted to. More than that- he needed to. Phones were smashed and the antique car as he called it didnt have an onstar. He stopped screaming for help when he realized that no on heard him and it settled on his mind that no one would ever save for her. And he didn't wa to her to hear that. He held her hand close to his face. Its going to be ok baby. You're ok you'll see. Just hang in there. It's ok. I'm right here. I'm right here. I love you im right here." He had tried not cry to but….

"Wake up will you please wake up" his soft voice had now been replaced by a pleading one.

He had gotten tired and had tried to stay awake for her but he couldn't.

It wasn't until he was being strapped to a backboard he woke up. He wasnt sure what was going on or where he was. But then it all hit him. It hit him as fast as he had hit well he wasn't even sure. He aw the light and reduce vehicles even spectators.

"No .no no! Her get her." He was ripping and pulling at the velcro trying to get it off he was pleading for her first. Eventually they had tied his hands down harder as his cried had fallen on deaf ears.

"Is she ok please?"

The EMTs had only glanced at eachother as they were loading him into an ambulance.

He had hard a fireman just before the doors were closed say "her legs got crushed should've been the rich kid."

"No no please take her first. Why why are you taking me

"Because we couldn't get to her you were in our way. Always in the way" One of them finally lashed out.

He had begged even more to just then let him wait he'd wait to leave him on the side of the road and go back.

The EMTs had called the hospital and gotten approval to give him Haldol to stop him from talking. He was never the same after that. Maybe it was a side of effect of the medication or he had hit his head in such a way that something broke and cause him to snap or maybe maybe he was truly a monster all along and he never realized it. He of course didn't notice the cba he right away.

By some miracles her legs weren't as smashed as they could have been...as they should have been.

He had only spent a few days in the hospital. He was transferred to a better hospital with better care and he recovered faster. But she she stayed in a smaller one. His family had only moved her to a better one to shut him up.

All anyone had ever told him was that she was paralyzed. Was she in a coma for a week and the moment he was released from his hospital he went to her. He had sat with her every day and had sneaked in at night or rather thats what people let him believe.

Her parents overall weren't happy that thier daughter was with him. But he had money and that was a promising life style. After all all parents could do is hope that thier children will be taken care of. And he did love her. Everyone knew it. And to his parents it was a nuisance. Only his grandfather saw the love he had for her. And idiotic moment that's he'd once rid himself of once he realized that her station was to serve him not sit with him. This accident didn't change this. She had surgery for one leg at a time and each time he sat there with them waiting even more nervous than they were. His eyes were red and watery the whole time. Each time the surgon came out he had held his breath his hand holding or rather gripping his shirt. And when the surgon had said everything was fine he let out

The biggest breath of air and cried in happiness.

He didn't want her to focus on her legs or the long road to whatever recovery there was so they had never spoken about them even if it was good news. She would say I'm getting better. And that was all. They talked about other thing they played gin rummy bargain watched movies talked about any and everything else. A few times even marriage

" did you Know my motherr and father own nothing no house but I would want nothing more than to have Mr.. and Mrs on the deed. Next to our signature.What do you say?"

"Id say it sounds good not that our parents-"

"screw parents mine can go to hell for I care but yours are warming up to me."

Shed give him a small smile

"I think k they appreciate they thingsyou've done. Well almost everything."

Then another time

"How would you feel about a while fence. No giant gates but a simple white fence with a large ranch house houses for our kids."

"Alpacas?"

"Of course and we can't forget osrtraches."

"Or lamas"

"Can it have a large porch and a sunroof ive always wanted that."

"Then thats what you'll get " he had sealed the promise with a kiss.

"But no ostriches."

And then the lawsuit came and he truely had to sneak around. She had been somewhat shielded against it while he was grilled relentlessly. Lawyers had only asked her a few questions but he. Well he didn't think about it when he was with her. And he had only tried to be with her. But it didn't always work.

It had became harder and harder for him to see her. Once details had been "leaked" about certain things in news and gossip the nurses which once saw him as a loving ad caring boyfriend now just saw an evil rich kid on a dalliance stringing her along to make it look good for the lawyers a d the court. Only a few, on the night shift who had seen him sleepily some in and out when no one was around to know could trust the love in his eyes

One night he had said

"I love you I promise that I'll be back." He had kissed her tender and hugged her.

"Stay until I fall asleep. Please?"

"Of course my love."

He held her hand.

"There is one thing you forgot about your parents money- you can do whatever makes you happy, anything you want."

"I just want you."

"You have me."

"you have me, too." He wispered close to her lips and kissed her.

She smiled as she fell asleep. He really did love her so much at that moment. He had given her one last kiss after he turned the TV off. Right before he left.

The promise was never kept.

She never saw him walk out of her life. And he decided it was a good thing. Perhaps it was a good thing.

The next day his parents had sent him away to some boarding school in Colorado.. he had gotten home too late and was too tired to notice his bags had been picked. But then again he had also been taken rather roughly. He didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. And he had begged but once again his pleas fell on deaf ears.

His emails had bounced back. Calls were strictly monitored but he hadn't memorized her number. But He had written her letters but he got nothing back. He'd never know she never got any. But he had to know something happened. He never spoke with himself about what.

When he had found out about the settlement he was told one stipulation was he was never to have any sort of contact with her again. He was told by his parents they take away everything from her if he did. And he'd go to jail. Jail he didn't care about or about himself. But her well being? Was everything to him. And that never stopped not once.

On her birthday he had always sent flowers anonymously. She never knew who sent them. And she would never.

Bryce never did find out she wasn't actually paralyzed once the swelling went down and perhaps which his parents did keep up thier end of the bargain none of which hinged on Bryce staying away. If only he had known.

So he had changed. He wasn't the Bryce she had loved. But she would never find that out. The Bryce he was, was pretended to be the same ol but charming still he fooled everyone but himself not that he ever admitted anything to himself . The Bryce he was was the one everyone else hated but supposedly tolerated more than the one he had been with her... they apprently oppposed his in-love-do-anything-for-her-because-he-was - i e happy- and-in-love-Bryce to this one the one he hated not that hed ever admit any of that that to himself.. he only did what he did.. when he had returned home he never went looking.. once he asked if she was happy. If she was safe. He used her name. Not her or she.. but the name he had loved the name he had planned to say forever when he would come home when he'd call when he held it seemed to be erased the hopes were erased as he was told by his father that she was not to be a concern for him any longer. She was his past and he had a future to look to a future without or lest he forget the arrangement- did he want her to not have the care and money to help her withdrawn forever? No. "Then her name was not to heard this house or from his mouth again" and he better not hear anyone tell him or his family diffrent. She was simply a she Bryce needed to forget that he would forget. Every she and her was spit out full of venom and hate. He never forgot that tone on his father's voice. A tone and side only Bryce saw not his sister. Just Bryce.

So Bryce changed to study bones and dust feeling that thats what his life had become no one could judge him if they didnt know his name. If they couldn't Google him. Drugs dampened pain so did the numerous women who he imagined and he really did imagine and it worked that it was her so it allowed him some semblance of happiness and joy and carefree. Short-lived but then there was another he had imagined all the same. The women never cared. Only 1 person ever did and he couldn't ever be the cause of her pain again.

He had folled almost everyone. But he never had... but it didn't matter.

He never remembered what truely happened the day his father was shot. But his father did call him a monster for what had happened that night with the car. The car was destroyed and it was a beautiful car. A girl injured causing trouble. Nothing was said of the girl herself minus what he had no business being with her in the first place that, "she has no place with our people she isn't fierce enough. She'd be eaten alive." And so she had been.

His grandfather had believed thats why he had shot his father. His father had rampaged about it again and he just lost his cool in a moment. But it was still an act. One he swore to himself he didn't do. Thats what his Grandfather had believed- that Bryce was good at heart. If he had been he wasn't anymore not since he lost her. But not even his grandfather saw the change in him. No one did. But she would have.

No matter what act of kindness he did to right any wrongs Bryce could never fix it. Never fix him. And he knew but he tried Maybe he was truely evil.

And maybe everything the kind and caring moments and love he felt was truely imagined. Maybe it was all imagination. All he knew was they wanted- they saw a monster and now they got a monster.

Tag list

@nana1000night @sapphire-rogers @sparklybarbarianninja @patzammit @hawkeyes-queen

[steffigraf]

some challengers thoughts (and major spoilers) under the cut 🎾

first things first: these bitches are Deranged. none of them will be seeing heaven. and i fucking love them lmfao give me that toxic mess !

also i am aware that this is supposed to be a drama but considering i am the master of finding the most irrelevant things hilarious, i was silent laughing throughout most of it lmao. good thing nobody was anywhere near me. but anyway moving on

at the start when tashi chooses the challenger that art will play, i was lmfao-ing at how she was on the atp wta app. like im sorryyyyy but that app is just,,, well. yeah. yall know.

prior to watching btw i had actually read a couple of spoilers & thought dumps on this movie BUT LIKE. NONE OF YALL MENTIONED THE CHILD. THE FUCK. those three fuckers were doing their toxic little mating dance while There Was A Child. brought a new level of fucked up to what they were doing that i truly didn’t expect. hope that kid gets therapy in the future

anyway art at the challenger should’ve had more crazy fans. like as a six time gs champ (who presumably didnt rly have consistent rivals like the big three lmao) he was literally a tennis Star. where are the crazy posters. cut outs of his face. smh he needs more groupies

patrick’s serve kinda reminds me of siniakova’s. anyway i don’t like it smdhdkdjks sorry siniakova but it bothers me how the motion gets cut up instead of being one fluid thing along with the toss. thats kinda just a me thing tho lmao

so the part at the party where those losers just kept awkwardly coming up to tashi? embarrassing tbh. secondhand shame well and truly alive in me

patrick has defo been into art the whole time btw like cmon. when tashi asked if they were a thing and art shot it down asap but patrick hesitated? ohhhh boy

tashi, on the other hand, is fascinating for me cause like. does she really like either of these men? no clue. it seems like she only does when she gets Both of them. which you know what valid i support her and her wrongs etc etc

in the doubles match when they celebrated on top of each other, i think a bunch of ppl in the theater were going all 👀 which i mean sure it’s valid in this case but uh. i was sitting there like that guy at the corner of the party meme thinking “they don’t know tennis players are just Like That actually” (many sports in general actually. the things footy boys do the pitch…… but i digress. still, it was weird to realize that most people are unaware of the homoeroticism of sport. wild!)

emotionally speaking, the thing that hit me the hardest was actually when the tv in the bg started talking abt how that mueller girl won wimby and was basically unstoppable. like the callback is insane and just OUCH it hurt so much because it was so Real imo? like. that is very much a scenario that can and does happen in tennis, and sport in general. there are always the random players who get injured or flop or just randomly retire, and it leaves us wondering: if they had still been at the top of their game, would the face of the sport have changed? so i empathized with tashi’s pain as she saw someone she had considered Below Her now rise to glory that tashi herself would never know. but, as we all know, if if if doesn’t exist. and that’s the thing that pained me the most.

random tinder lady was ridiculous sorry but like patrick literally just told her he was a total loser in tennis and then left her table to talk to another girl. i think she shouldve slapped him the fuck away instead of making out with him lmfao. like girl he is not hot enough for you to ignore the bullcrap. has he even showered. come on.

when tashi and patrick talked tho and she got mad at him for blowing smoke in her face? so real. i approve. i hate secondhand smoke soooo much bleh

that scene where art says he wants to retire and just flops his head on tashi’s lap and asks her to hold him????? only scene that made me feel actual Yearning. like damn get me a babygirl man like that. or let me be someone’s babygirl like that. like platonically or whatever idc just give me those soft touches i want that sensory experience

when tashi asked patrick to throw the match and patrick was like “how could you do this to him?” and basically said that asking that was Worse than her physically cheating on art. loved that shit. i was like damnnnnnnn that’s the all encompassing emotional nature of devoting your life to tennis babey!

in general actually a lot of their lines were soooo snappy and shit and like. i enjoyed that

but honestly my suspension of disbelief was kinda shattered a bit in the arguing in the car scene cause like. i was so fucking stressed. they were driving fast in the middle of a fucking storm at midnight and neither had a seatbelt i think and i swear there was a point where patrick looked at tashi for like five whole seconds while driving. LIKE PLEASE. god. can’t you guys be toxic bitches while obeying traffic rules? 😔

anyway. the camera shots from the floor during the match itself oh my GOD im obsessed. especially during the serve. wish i could gif those. god. yeah. yeahhhhh

speaking of the match though. idk some stuff with the scoring graphic felt off? i got a bit confused at some point. might be imagining it tho lmao

ball perspective was so fucking funny tho. i mean it worked i think but i kept thinking like imagine if we had ballcam with the tour big hitters. poor balls. they go thru so much. may they rest in peace.

when art just fell onto patrick at the end smash im sorry ik that was supposed to be a climax and shit but it was SO fucking funny

and finally: shoutout to art’s dead grandma. she moved the plot in ways she never even knew. legend 🙌🪦🕊️

so yeah i had a Lot of fun! though i truly have NO idea how this movie even looks to people who dont get tennis. or sports in general. must be a hell of a ride lol

(still probably a better intro to tennis than break point)

[annabethfiles]

a ramble on the dragon prince: characters and morals

(bear with me for this first paragraph I wrote it very poorly before getting into my thoughts.)

the reason I love the dragon prince so much is because they are characters who I resonate with and become everything ive tried to be- everything good ive tried to be and bad ive tried to fix. they set the example of learning from mistakes and redeeming relationships and choosing the right thing even when its hard. especially s2 callum was important to me bc the episodes and of his panic attack dream was everything I felt and a representation I needed in those moments. a character who felt he didnt belong in anything he tried, but against all odds found his place. and in the moment he had to abandon the one thing he found for himself in order to save others (smashing the primal stone), he did it in a heartbeat. he always puts others before himself even if it means he has to do the wrong thing, he is loyal to a fault. he loves and trusts unconditionally. he is 100% genuine with everything he says and he is always there to lift up his friends and especially his brother. everything he says is from the heart; I especially keep thinking about how he comforted rayla at the oasis and gave ezran the same speech about changes that harrow told him. and at the same time, despite acting as the voice of reason, reassurance, and rights, he has no idea where he fits in and so desperately wants to find it (at least in the beginning seasons). and that's where I find I connect to him the most. despite having no clue where I fit in the world or even with those around me, I know I want to be there to be a voice of comfort and genuineness.

and soren, he has one of my favorite character arcs in all tv/cinema. he begins cocky and pretentious, yet doesn't understand why he does everything he does. but it's to earn his father's approval. he would do anything for his father's approval. but by the end of s3, he does a full 180. when he's injured, he's relieved. that he can't do anything evil because he can't do anything at all. over my young life ive had many moments of realization that things ive said and done in the past were selfish and wrong. I look up to sorens ability to come out of his experiences and apologize for his poor behavior and does so through actions. he goes from seeking his father's approval to understanding his own values and worth and would go as far to kill his own father bc it's the morally right thing to do. few people have such good in their heart to put pure morals above any selfish desires.

in the dragon prince, the biggest conflict is family. everything viren does is for his family: to keep them safe, to give them what he never had. granted, many of virens actions are selfish and quite the opposite of helpful to his family, namely when he would continuously choose power (the egg) over his own son and lie about his loved ones' wishes to benefit himself. claudia too acts out of the love for her family: viren and soren. her first act into evil is to bring soren back to feeling and though not evil in nature, she goes beyond the natural and causes havoc in reversing natural events, giving her the first white streak of hair. the rest come from reviving her father. claudia acts entirely in love for her family and would cross the border of morals to keep them safe. up until season 4 (and maybe further), her acts can be justified by the trauma and conflicts of her childhood, constantly having to pick sides, beginning with her parents' divorce. she refuses to leave any of her remaining family behind and would do anything for them. she crosses the line into morally evil when terry points out how cruel it is that she tricked rayla with the gold coins, and it becomes clear that she does not carry any empathy for those outside of her immediate loved ones. this is where her actions can be compared to callum's in season 5. when faced with the danger that rayla will be fed to the ocean creatures, callum has no choice but to use dark magic to release himself from the chains and save her. in this situation, there really was no other option than for callum to release himself in order to save the others. dark magic has always been regarded as evil under any circumstance, yet this situation creates nuance between using dark magic for good, and what is considered "good." it could be argued that claudia is using her magic for good, to save the ones she loves, just as callum is saving the ones he loves. what makes one cause more justified than the other, and is there a situation where dark magic is considered good? it makes it difficult to understand where I stand on my opinions of claudia, especially after this recent season. this show makes me think about morals, my place in the world, and how these characters have guided me in my own philosophies. though it's become much darker in the recent seasons, one thing I do enjoy is how much it makes me think. when it comes to storytelling, the dragon prince is extremely open-world. even if unintentional, I'd like to think the vastness of the tdp world is supposed to make us question what is right and what is possible even moreso.

[tremorsmackenzie]

was rewatching the last few episodes of season 1 and got to feel the grant ward experience (tm) all over again. after finishing the finale, i kinda have to work it off, so here is a rant about everything that pisses me off about him.

he lied to everyone about everything from the beginning, killed so many good agents and friends and random bystanders, kidnapped skye so shed decrypt the harddrive, and still seriously thought he had a chance with her, after the people he works for literally almost killed her. he flirted with her during that kidnapping, he tried to get empathy from her while an agent he just killed was hidden in the supply closet with his blood ruining the linoleum. and then he tried to get her to feel sorry for him, because it was hard for him to make all those choices. those choices being to kill her friends and destroy the only family shes ever had. he still saw himself as the victim, despite being the worst most psychotic perpetrator he could ever possibly be. literally working for hydra and killing people just because his boss told him to. this one scene in the plane describes him perfectly, even before season 2 dove into these characteristics in detail. he is completely beyond saving.

one of the central mechanisms of his character is that he wants approval, and will do absolutely anything - anything - to get it. that ruthlessness was inside him already. garret didnt exactly manipulate him into becoming what he was. he took a dysfunctional juvenile, dumped him in the woods for 6 months, where he survived by raiding cabins and presumably killing their occupants all to impress garrett when he returned, and then he joined up with hydra for the same reason, and presumably that stayed his main motivation. and he cared so little for anything else that he continued to be willing to do anything, from murder to kidnapping to using other people to fuel his delusions to rescuing hive, an ancient inhuman hellbent on consuming earth just to "punish" shield for how they treated him.

and that desperation for approval came from the way his family and especially his parents were, and thats what may meant when she said that they all had trauma and it didnt turn any of them into psychopaths. his sad backstory explains why he is the way he is, it doesnt excuse it and it doesnt excuse the actions he takes in the present, at any point he couldve done any amount of self reflection, recognized what he is, and chosen to better himself, and instead he chose to keep blaming the rest of the world for his misdeeds, and thats on him.

yes, its tragic, he was groomed into the man he became. its not his fault that he is who he is. but he is that man, and its gone far beyond what garret pushed him to be. he chose to do all these terrible things and to keep serving him, to ignore every opportunity to even just stop and walk away, and he is making his own terrible choices even after the man who groomed him is gone. he is a twisted delusional sociopath, a murderer, who uses other people to support his narrative that actually hes some kind of hero and everything bad he does is someone elses fault, who desperately clings to the narrative that he is the victim and because of that hes allowed to do whatever, and who would rather burn the world before acknowledging any of that.

[folkoreluvr]

Return of the dragon | chapter four: it’s a wonderful lie

Thomas Mann was proving to be a real pain in the ass. He was supposed to be a nobody, someone she spoke to once then never remembered but he was intent on sticking around. They had gone on a few dates and he was a nice guy just not for Grace. In truth she found him boring and mildly irritating. He rarely elected to aske her questions due to him being too busy dick riding her father. I fucking hate my dad she thought. She found he lacked passion and adventure and creativity, he was quite content to stay where he was born and live the same life as his dad and never be original. There was nothing inherently wrong with Thomas it was just that she could never even picture herself liking him let alone be her husband, if she would ever want one.

So when he called her on a Wednesday afternoon and said he was taking her to a diner he likes she was intrigued. Fancy restaurant dates were never her thing and she loved American diners. He had rolled up in a red Lamborghini and driven her to a small diner on the outskirts of Manhattan. It had dark blue walls and shiny leather boots. Memorabilia of all decades decorated the walls and in the corner was a mahogany jukebox. Grace was ecstatic, this is what drew her in. she couldnt care less about fancy dinners and expensive gifts, she wanted individuality and she found it far more meaningful if someone learned what she liked and made a charming date she would adore them forever. He led her to a booth In the far right corner and sat across from her. They made small talk about their weeks until their food arrived. When grace was halfway through her burger he cleared his throat and looked at her expectantly. She glanced back confused and put the burger down with a small frown on her face.

"I actually brought you here to talk about something, away from the paparazzi and listeners." Now she was even more confused.

"is everything okay?"

"my dad wants me to marry and expects me to have kids in the near future and well I know yours does too and I was hoping we could work out an arrangemen-"

oh her heart dropped. He didnt actually like her and had no interest in actually forming a connection. why would he Im me.

"Im sorry but no. I have no interest in any of this" she watched his face drop and his hands fall to his lap awkwardly before she put the pieces together. "who is she?"

"what?" got you the look on his face confirmed her suspicions. He didnt look shocked he looked caught and  mentally she patted herself on the back for being so smart.

"the girl youre in love with. I take it that if you marry her your cash flow stops because your dad wants you to marry someone higher up, someone like me."

"yes but be honest grace your dad expects the same. Have to marry someone he approves of someone he picked. Were both stuck in this I thought you might help me. We would be married only to the public and our parents but in private we could do as we wished."

"I dont want to marry you or anyone"

"but-"

"look, we could pretend to be together for our families sake and find a way to convince our parents it wouldnt be good for us to marry. Ill get my dad off my back and you can search for a woman in a similar predicament to you, Im sure there are many"

"thank-you Grace really"she smiled at him for a second then sunk her teeth back into her burger

Fuck my life

At dinner that Saturday night Grace told tony about how she and Thomas were now in a relationship and watched him nearly jump for jump for joy, she probably would have felt bad about lying to him if he wasnt such a dick. She had a feeling Pepper already knew however, she didnt exactly seem convinced and was oddly quiet the rest of the night. She had walked grace to the elevator to their pent house and kissed her on the cheek.. 

"I only want you to be happy" she said quietly and Grace just smiled back and hugged her goodnight.

———

"alright now that the boring shits over I have something to announce" tony stark had said to the team, some looked exited like Sam, others grimaced like Bucky or Nat or simply sat their bracing themselves, like grace was. If her father decided to announce her new relationship status in front of the team and in front of Loki especially she would probably punch him straight in the jaw and hope it breaks. "the avengers team is having their first every pool party. An actual pool party and not a few drunk people swimming in their underwear like its high school again"

"who did that in high school" Steve asked with a confused look on his face forgetting not everyone on the team went to high school in the 1930s

"I did" Grace smirked.

"you were home-schooled?" tony said with a look of confusion.

"and yet I was invited to every teenagers pool party in Manhattan"

"moving on" he mumbled "its an avengers thing for team building but Sylvie is welcome to come she was now officially living in a spare room at the compound" Grace still couldnt get the strange sense of déjà vu out of her brain every time she looked at her.

"could I bring Thomas, he would love this sort of thing" this was her key to selling their relationship she mentioned casually that he swam in high school and loved the pool and did her best to pretend like she hadnt read that in an interview article at 3 am the night before.

"of course you can" she caught Loki rolling her eyes as she smiled at her dad.

"I thought this was for avengers not riff raff" he really was a ginormous prick.

"the stark family always makes exceptions for things like boyfriends" and she paused and looked him up and down "psychopaths apparently too" a satisfied smug grew on her face as she watched Thor hold his brother down to prevent him for leaning across the table with a dagger in hand. She truly loved pissing him off and since he often started most of their fights Grace felt he deserved it. She only wished he would look less attractive glaring at her.

"perhaps,"Steve interjected "we can all use this as a way of working out our grievances with each other and stop trying to kill each other" the last part was said in emphasis as he glared at Grace and Loki, both of which did not seem pleased.

"oh come on its hardly my fault hes got such a rod up his ass."

"nor is it mine that the only person willing to be with her is the most dull man in the universe"

"fuck you Loki"

"Kunta" he mumbled at her in old Norse

"LOKI" Thor bellowed at his brother.

and thats meeting adjourned Thor marched Loki out of the room and grace watched and rolled her eyes until she stormed out too.

———

A loud rummaging awoke Grace from her sleep, it was coming from the bathroom and for a second she debated leaving it and hoping nobody killed her in her sleep. Begrudgingly, she got out of bed and slowly walked towards the bathroom. She opened the door as quietly as she could but to her disappointment it was only Loki. He looked up and saw her in the mirror and glared at her reflection.

"oh goodie youre back" she murmured sarcastically, he rolled his eyes and continued dabbing his arm with a rag. Upon further inspection she saw that he had injured himself which was odd because it was nearly impossible but she only took pleasure in his suffering. He removed the now crimson rag and she saw just how grim his wound looked. “that is disgusting” she cringed and Loki looked impossibly more irritated.

"Im perfectly well stark dont you worry"

"isnt that disappointing. You woke me up and I find out our not even dying"

"its 10am why were you asleep?"

"fuck off I had a late night" he rolled his eyes again and threw the bloody rag in the bathroom bin.

"out with that boring man again stark? You may be you but surely theres someone else who wants to be with you." She walked out of the room and slammed the door shouting "bye asshole I hope you bleed out"

[battleaxeproficiency]

vent under the cut and probably in the tags a little bit also ! its been a weird day

as angry as today has made me it also did make me sad . not really for the person that burned this bridge but i guess for a more nebulous reason of like . ive closed so many doors recently . leaving people and places and things is so hard

im really angry at this guy . he caused me a lot of pain over the past few years ! im not sorry that hes not in my life anymore . i think im better for it ! but im also sad for the 18 year old who didnt know any better . who believed him when he said those awful things to me . those awful things about me . i was just a kid ! i was 17 and then i was 18 and then i was grown up enough to realize what he said was fucked up . but i believed him for a long time ! i thought i was a bad person ! a bad friend ! im not a bad person . im not a bad friend either . im good because i try to be good , simple as . i said that to him when i was 17 years old . im also sad for my other friends who were hurt by him ! they didnt deserve it either !

i remember when i would have done anything in the world to make him like me . when i tried so hard for his approval . when he didnt give it to me it felt like the world was ending ! now , two years later he says that was my fault . that i was the asshole in that situation . i wasnt perfect , i wasnt always a good friend , but i was also 18 and the most depressed ive ever been . idk . its just weird to me . that i spent so much time desperate for this persons affection and kindness . what would i be doing now if i hadnt been there ? if i had listened to my therapist the first time she told me to cut him off ? would i be grieving a different friendship tonight ? whos to say

and its not really even grief either ! he hasnt been in my life for months ! today was just the final hard break of it all . he admitted to hurting me on purpose but also told me i was a bad and cruel person and that it was all my fault . i guess it just stings more than i want to admit . it was hurtful ! he blocked me before i could even respond . maybe thats for the best

but hey , by friday afternoon ill be home . itll be hot and sunny and ill get to see my dog and watch tv with my mom . ill see my friends and we'll complain and gossip about the whole thing . itll be okay .

[selective-yellow]

this isn't really a big deal but I kinda can't stop thinking about it. I'm more bitter than anything

my little sister recently reached the year mark since she got her cancer diagnosis and in a month it'll be a year since the lump was successfully removed. her birthday is next month and we have a lot to celebrate!

late last year she went through about a month or so of chemo before stopping due to negative side effects (she is still undergoing other treatments, just not chemo). around this time my work went from "Maaaaybe yall can come in 3 times a week" to "minimum four days in the office no exception!!! *unless approved by HR" I immediately spoke with HR and told him everything, that I wanted the exception bc I did not want to risk my sister. Considering this was during the holidays (meaning lots of people would be traveling) and I was already the only one masking in the office while almost ALL of our covid safety measures had been laxed or out right removed, it felt even more urgent to me to just stay away. Not to mention my wife had some health issues at the time as well, so i had a few reasons to WFH. He understood and told me he would meet with my managers and see if they would approve it.

The funny thing though, I never actually got the exception. That was the last I spoke of it to anyone (no one at my work, save HR and one coworker who had shared with me her story of her chemo journey, knew about what was happening and to this day i still havent told anyone; I'm one of those people who will immediately burst into tears when I'm asked Are You Okay? and at the end of the day i just didnt want the attention) and since neither of my 3 office leaders reached out to me about my situation, I sort of had no choice but to assume they either didn't know/HR hadn't gotten around to them, or they DID know & my exception wasn't approved anyway. So I kept coming in and for months I just masked and stopped attending pretty much any work event. If it involved being together, I passed. I did what I could to just minimize contact as much as I could. occasionally i just said fuck it and stayed home whenever I just wanted to but for the most part I was still coming in, feeling bitter and alienated.

I guess I could have pushed and pushed them, but at that time I was pretty mentally beat down and didn't have the energy to argue what I thought at the time was a "sorry but no." besides, like I said, she ended up doing less chemo than we thought she would

eventually as time passed the urgency decreased bc she was better. Her health improved and we reached a point where we felt she wasn't at risk anymore - she went back to work, was going out like her old self and it was obvious she was healthy. I decided if she felt safe enough to go out, that was a weight I could take off my shoulders and work started going back to "normal"

I met with HR a few months ago to go over my "return to office" and, baffled, I told him I never actually got the exception and was still coming in. He basically just said, "Huh. Well that's great. Remember, four days. Bye!"

I still had no idea if my office leaders were ever told what was going on with me, as again not one of them spoke with me about it and my time in the office.

two weeks ago I had a meeting with my boss, and at the end he out of the blue asked how my little sister was feeling? I told him she was doing so much better, which is true and he was glad.

So he knew the whole time...?

I know he was going through a tough time too. 2022 was rough on him. But I was still???

So you knew.

It sort of floored me. Someone knew the whole time. Did my other managers know? Did they just assume someone else had talked to me? Was it just all miscommunication? Or did they decide being present in the office was more important? I can't say i was mentally present but at least I filled a desk huh

I dunno. I want to think it was just miscommunication. Or just an unfortunate oversight due to too many balls in the air. It happens.

But fuck man. My sister had cancer. The whole point of asking for an exception was to protect yourself or family members. those months were so miserable. I was so miserable at almost all times, I was crawling through every day just fully bitter and resentful that I couldn't be fucking safe at home. And I really hate knowing now that it didn't have to be that way at all.

[clownkiwi]

alright sonic prime thoughts (spoilers ahead)

OH MAN WHERE DO I EVEN START????? i didnt expect the bad future world to be like. the main backdrop and motivator for the plot, i thought we were gonna get like. one or two episodes at most to take place in the bad future world. and the rest of the episodes would've taken place in different universes and just be episodic. i didnt expect there'd be an actual story going on throughout this whole show!!!

AND HOLY SHIT, THE BAD FUTURE WORLD. i did not expect for it to get this dark in a modern sonic product approved by sega. the most tragic part about this world, beyond nines (tails) whole deal and relationship with sonic and where it went, was with rusty rose (amy). i knew she'd be roboticized, but i'd never guess she'd stay the villain. i'd assume from the advertising that she'd be on sonic's side the whole time, but ig it was only because nine hacked her to join sonic's side for a whole episode or two??? hell, i didn't expect amy's character to get so many antagonistic roles for like. a good half of these universes for sonic to hop into. she's sonic's bestie!!!!! i did NOT expect to see the worst happen to her, im pleasantly surprised.

i think the most. darkest thing i've ever seen was in the first/second episode when sonic asks rusty "do you even have a heart???" and rusty responds "yes. i do" and she opens up her chest and you see a barely breathing, dying flicky in there like. HOLY SHIT. i did NOT expect for this show to get so dark. and for what??? a kids show??? if i were like. 5 or 6 and a huge sonic fan, this defo would've scared me shitless (even more dark that you later find out. amy had this EXACT SAME FLICKY IN THE NORMAL UNIVERSE & JUNGLE UNIVERSE AS HER PET, LIKE. FUCK, MAN)

they made tails character and relationship with sonic so much more interesting through nine, like. Finally, a show that actually takes a look at sonic more interpersonal relationships and realistically tests them to their core, especially since nine's not keen for friendship or getting along with others. and he was willing to give it another try and even help his new friend sonic. but after he shows him a dark world that's a cold, empty slate and wants to start it over, but sonic tells him that he has to go save his bad future world pals, nine. doesnt actually go with sonic. tails always follows sonic, through thick and thin, but this is the first time i remember that. he says no. nine still wants to live and make a world safe from the chaos council and be friends with sonic, but sonic's deterministic and heroic to save people that don't even know him all that well (even if they look familiar to his other friends). which is in sonic's good spirit, but nine barely knows these people. yes, it's the right thing to do to save them, but what would they give him in return??? he's not sonic, someone who he personally helped after being told that he saved him first in an alternate universe. so, i thought this was all very interesting

speaking of, the chaos council is so much fun. i dont think they are related by familiar relations, i just think mr dr eggman time traveled and picked up versions of himself from different points in his time, or he just. cloned them, so he wouldn't be alone when he rules sonic's world. i especially love the extremely violent baby and the edgy gamer kid eggmen, i thought the old man eggman &. japanese culture enjoyer eggman were pretty fun additions too

i'll be honest, while i'm glad this show finally gave tons of stuff for tails & amy & big to do, i felt like. what they did with knuckles wasnt too particularly strong??? we either get Serious Protector of Angel Island Knuckles or boom!knuckles again. and while i love boom!knucks & Serious Knucks, i would've loved a more strong characterization of him that actually developed as a result of sonic, because i thought that was the direction the show was taking (first one focused on tails, then one focused on amy). but instead they made knuckles the main one for the pirate world. and i like pirate knuckles enough. ig i thought him getting obsessed over a gem like halfway through the pirate world was pretty rushed and not given too much time even if it did take up two half-hour episodes. and rogue, hasn't really been given too much to do, despite appearing in every alternate universe at this point. maybe in season 2 or 3 she gets her whole own arc with sonic

i was also surprised we didn't see shadow at all in any of these alternate universes, like. at first i liked the idea that shadow never showed up in the bad future world, because the eggmen ruled unopposed, that they never needed to wake him up from his chamber for a last minute resort. that novelty sort of rolled off when he. never appeared in any of the alternate universes??? even tho this version of shadow was simply established as sonic's rival, as he is in fact the reason sonic was so late to catch up with his buds in the inciting incident that lead to all of this. in fact, shadow only showed up in flashbacks or as holograms that followed sonic whenever he sonic boomed. he didn't even show up in full again until the last episode on a cliffhanger. so, hopefully we'll see alternate universe versions of shadow following this. or just more shadow in season 2, where he's more relevant to the plot than. being indirectly responsible for the inciting incident

beyond that, i just really enjoyed these batches of episodes that dropped, and i really do hope we get more and see how this story ends (hopefully in a satisfying way)

[fictionkinfessions]

I wonder if my Collei is out there. If she remembers me. The times I'd talk to her during her treatments (trying my best to tame that bad residue batch Barnabas gave- Which he wasnt even supposed to give her before my personal evaluation of her wellbeing. Uhg.)

I wonder if she remembers me letting her escape, or the bag of supplies I even prepared for her right outside. The stories I told her of old patients and my old elezar studies.. She did always seem to be listening, even if she never talked back.

I am sorry for your living conditions, Collei. I know you dont see weight in those words, especially if the Collei's reading this arent my own. You never should have been used for any experiments, mine or my underlings. You should have only gotten the elezar treatments, your condition upon reaching snezhnaya was so terrible I was furious learning you had gotten residue. And even more furious when seeing how volitile the batch you got was. Granted I cant say your living conditions would have been better if you were treated properly, I didnt have the best holding rooms for any experiments or patients. (and yes I will partially blame Pantalone's budget, though admitedly my Prime Body was so far gone I didnt think about patient comfort most of the time by this point..)

Im still surprised despite all of that, you managed to survive. Given the state you were in upon arrival I thought you would be dead for sure. But you're such a tough kid. And well- Okay I will brag a bit, my elezar treatments are very good. Despite their painful side effects. I was still working on that-

Im sorry Im rambling- And I really doubt any Collei has read this far- And if one of you has, please do not read this as me expecting forgiveness, or for you to like me in the slightest. The things you were roped into were far worse than you ever should have had, and Im still upset that Barnabas acted on his own like that. (His given job was simply to collect some willing Elezar patients. As working on treatments for it had become a passtime of mine. His residue experiments were only supposed to go to patients I directly approved of. And he ignored all of my instructions.)

I just hope you have SOME slightly positive memories. Again of my stories, the small bits of kindness my badly calibrated clone caused to shine through. I think about those times more than I'd like to. It fills me with too much guilt. Reminds me of what I was like before the Akademiya and Fatui drove me too far. It makes me scared to share these mems. I'm terrified typing this right now actually. I'm so prepared for people to attack me despite my wishes or the blogs rules for decency. To accuse me of "erasing Dottore's cruelty" or "expecting forgiveness from all Collei kins" even though I've directly said I'm not expecting that.

I just hope my Collei remembers those moments. They can feel however they please about me, I don't care, I'll never look for them, I don't look for anyone. I just don't want to be the only one who has to remember these events.

Maybe my Collei would like to hear that these memories of kindness haunt me. Maybe they want to know that I'm suffering from knowing how much better I could have been in that life if events had played out a bit differently.

It wouldn't surprise me if the average Collei kin wished for nothing but pain for me, anyway, memories of me or not. (not intended to make you pity me I promise. Im just used to how much the community despises me)

~Il Dottore 🕯♟

P.S. If you're thinking of sending a negative response to me (No matter who you may be), don't bother. There's nothing you can say to me that the community or my brain havent already said before. Don't waste your time. I garuntee you, I already know.

'

[cydie]

damn talking to Jason has reminded me of a pivotal childhood experience that id completely forgotten about that played a massive part of my life

childhood friendships

i always feel like a pick me telling people i struggle to make female friends but its very damn true but i had no idea how deep it ran

growing up i knew i had a shitty relationship with my mother yeah

but it was hot and cold

like it wasnt that i didnt know how to be personally close with another female

physically at least like being comfortable with the female body

bc in asian culture bodies are just bodies

and theyre less likely to be seen sexually

you have more of a divide between men and women than we do in western culture

so i showered with my mum a lot

being naked in front of her was not uncomfortable for me as a child

being close in proximity was not an issue etc

but i was never emotionally close with my mum i would never tell her anything

and i dont think about that specifically because i relied on her as a parent emotionally?

but when it came to my own personal emotions that didnt involve say like

something physical

i couldnt imagine confiding in her

but then growing up i was never taught to feel my emotions or had any guidance or learning about how to handle my emotions

so probably one of the reasons i grew up so independently was because i felt like i needed to

and that didnt really connect with anytging until i realised today

that i had very valid reasons for not having female friends

and i so wish that i did but im scared of girls potentially in the same way guys are scared of girls but mostly because i have never been emotionally vulnerable or open with a female and ive never been able to because of my relationship with my single mother

chelsea:

the first flag that showed me i had connection issues was my friend chelsea. in grade 10? around then, id made a new friend group. they were all in mainstream and there was 3 main girls in the group and 2 guys 1 of the guys ended up turning out kinda weird bc he liked all of us and one of the girls i tihnk chels told me he was saying things to her about me that were sexually explicit like the things he wanted to do or something idk either way not the focus so i got really close to chelsea as a friend, because she slept over at mine once. my mum approved partly bc she was half japanese, and a girl. and sleepovers were fairly rare for me especially in primary school, but less in high school but my mum really preferred me to have someone stay over at mine, not have me stay at someone elses which really stopped me from making a lot of friends tbh and a lot of missed social experiences anyway i was pretty close to chelsea, had a lot of inside jokes etc but i remember a facebook conversation with her in dms where she got upset at me because she always confided in me and told me her secrets and i never told her any of mine and i remember thinking "i dont really have any secrets??" like back then it read to me like she wanted me to tell her my secrets and personal things but i personally did not have much thought i didnt have anything i was particularly upset about or had any personal things i just had a very average life of seeking the next piece of dopamine and i was like a kid?? but now i recognise that as she was seeking emotional connection, something that she was trying to bridge by telling me her personal things, and something i kept rejecting bc i had nothing to tell her (i probably did and i just didnt see them as necessary information to share) and i can see the different mindsets of me when i was 13 and me now as a 26 year old back then i??? was not an emotion person? iw as very cold and calculating and you wouldnt be able to see that bc i was still a girl and a kid and cute/endearing as a small asian kid but we didnt stay close i dont remember why but i drifted from that friend group maybe bc i got different interests made new friends etc (start of my tumblr phase)

2. nicole

throughout my life, i've always had 2 online best friends. chloe and mary. and it was easy to be friends with them because there was no IRL demand we would msn all the time, video call all the time and play habbo hotel amongst various other social games and honestly these were my closest friends from like maybe 10 to like 16? i used to make up stories like i had more friends irl than i actually did and make fake facebook profiles to play a pretend storyline that was my life honestly i hated my own life and i hated myself i was never taught any form of self love, only self hate. i learnt self hate from my mother. i learnt self sacrifice from my mother. but i never learnt self love from her even though i could easily see that she valued herself. she never taught me that she valued me, more than being her child. when i became friends with nicole in grade 9, because she was new to the class and i always liked making friends with new people bc they didnt know me yet lmao we got suuuper close she lived nearby, family renting from another friend i grew up with in primary school and me and her were close close to the point where we would hang out after school walk home together we would do most things together and i spent a lot of time with her on msn and in downtime/free time she even met my dad, which was rare she saw more of me than anyone else i think and thats why she saw through me because when her family moved to brisbane and she started attending the arts academy there, she left me a long note in a word doc i could prob still find it but basically it said, she didn't understand why i hated my mum, she didnt understand why i lied about friends/pretended to be people that didnt exist/she didnt understand why when she came to me for emotional support, i wasn't there for her she wished me well, and she moved away bc her dad had gotten a better job and she was about to get the life that i wanted i saw she got a dog too one time kayne james said nicole was ugly to brandon and brandon told me and told me not to say anything and i remember that info in my head still so clearly and thinking i never thought she was ugly, i actually admired her features but i guess i could see why ?? but personally i still disagreed regardless in the end nicole had 2 loving parents that was able to teach her love a privilege that i never had she was luckier than i ever was in life, despite all the privileges that i had in terms of money and opportunities

these two experiences flag to me now that i had never been able to connect to a female

and i still remember feeling so weird

like back then, emotionally confiding in a female was like there was a roadblock

when i was put into hospital as a kid, i was more comfortable with the male nurses than the female ones

and the only female nurse i had ever been comfortable with was nurse sue in the high school

where she said some things that triggered tears i didnt realise i had

her ability to connect to that inner part of me probably set me up to look for mother figures in others too

childhood is so interesting in the way it shapes you. i can think i know myself and i'm smart and clever all i want, and back then for my age, i was. but i still wasn't able to be as smart as time and experience.

its likely im still miles ahead of 90% of the people my age in emotional development and self reflection but i still have 90% of the way to go

even now, i still have connection roadblocks, and i have to work to figure out where its coming from and how to get around it

but its very interesting to think about these childhood experiences and think about how

i was blocking things out from the beginning.

[pesterloglog]

John Egbert, Rose Lalonde, Roxy Lalonde, Kanaya Maryam

Act 6, page 7978-7979

JOHN: here we are.

JOHN: ready everyone?

ROSE: I guess as ready as one can be, to initiate lethal combat with the extraterrestrial founder of a nefarious baking good syndicate.

JOHN: wait, what?

JOHN: i thought we were fighting the condesce.

ROSE: We are.

ROSE: The Condesce is Betty Crocker.

JOHN: she is??

ROSE: Yes.

ROSE: Wait. John, are you telling me you're only realizing this now?

JOHN: um...

ROSE: Unbelievable.

JOHN: hey, nobody TOLD me, ok?

ROSE: There's this thing called inference, John.

ROSE: Examining a large body of evidence, putting the pieces together, making certain logical leaps, drawing conclusions...

JOHN: sorry, i guess i was too busy saving everybody from dying horribly, to solve a very stupid mystery about a shitty cake woman. :p

ROSE: I guess so.

ROSE: So what do you have to say about that?

JOHN: about what?

ROSE: About the alias of the Condesce.

JOHN: oh.

JOHN: it's fine, i guess.

ROSE: Fine?

JOHN: yeah...

JOHN: what else am i supposed to think about it!

ROSE: I don't know.

ROSE: I guess I thought you might be floored by this stunning revelation, given your irrational hatred for that particular dessert corporation.

JOHN: eh, it's alright.

JOHN: sorta makes sense actually. what's the big deal?

ROSE: John, you're kind of letting me down here.

JOHN: sorry!!!

JOHN: i just think we have bigger fish to fry, than... heh heh, fish...

JOHN: i mean more important things to do, than get down on the floor, and have a melodramatic tantrum about a ridiculous and stupid fact that doesn't matter.

ROSE: John, stop it.

ROSE: The degree of maturity you are showing here is really bad for morale.

JOHN: oh, shush.

JOHN: listen, whatever she is, cake mogul, or alien empress, or queen of derse, or sexy sea lady with too much hair...

JOHN: let's just fuck her up!

ROXY: yeah!!!

JOHN: hey, roxy...

JOHN: what are you doing with that sword?

ROXY: what this?

JOHN: yes.

ROXY: it was um

ROXY: sorta my improvised grave stone deal but i guess became kind a meaningless when my cat robbed the grave

ROXY: so i figured i might as well go nab it again

ROXY: why let a cool sword go to waste??

ROXY: u know my boy di-stri would not approve

JOHN: that's true, i guess.

JOHN: is that why you took it out of the stone slab thingy in the first place?

ROXY: kinda

ROXY: that was different

JOHN: how?

ROXY: back when i first saw it on your blue planet

ROXY: that was when i just lost all my friends and i thought for a while they all might be gone for good

ROXY: and i saw the sword pokin out of there and it reminded me of dirk

ROXY: it reminded me of everyone we just said goodbye to

ROXY: even if that only turned out to be temporary

ROXY: i dunno what it meant to people before i came along

ROXY: but to me it was a symbol

ROXY: of all the people who didnt make it as far as we did

ROXY: so i stole it

ROXY: see

ROXY: im a goddamn rogue

ROXY: i TAKE shit

ROXY: and now ima take back from the WITCH

ROXY: everything she stole that shoulda been ours

ROXY: promise of a better life

ROXY: a future for humanity and trolls alike

ROXY: all that shit

ROXY: im going to swipe its lack

ROXY: and make it all start being a thing again

ROXY: lets never let all that stop from being a thing ever again

ROXY: k guys???

KANAYA: What

JOHN: yeah!!!

KANAYA: Okay Yeah

KANAYA: Im Sure That Possibly All Made Sense Good Speech

[wyrmskulls]

End game spoilers.

Here is what happened for me and how I feel.

I had shit for Charisma as a Monk sooooo I had a rough time with Companions.

1) Wyll broke his contact, we saved his dad, and I made the choice not to go after the Dragon, my thought being- I think we have this without help. let leave the dragon for the next threat. (He was just one line at the docks in the end.... so not sure there. still wanna toss his dad in the harbor ngl)

2) I let Shadowheart make all her own choices. She chose not to kill the Nightsong, she choose for her parents to die. (My partner got her to keep her folks alive in their run.... and that felt better to me. so, oops.) She wasn't at the dock at all in the end weirdly.

3) I always told Karlach to live, I noticed the thing Companions asking for is not the choice they need but the choice they want. So I kept telling her No, bitch you are going to live. Only for her to die on the docks. I at some point started thinking about irl people who want to die thier own way... and I'll admit the thought of begging her to stay instead of just being with her as she died, sounded so selfish to emotional compromised me. (but this still feels really bad)

Those were the 3 of the main 6 not in my party, the whole game. I did pull them into the party for their story's where possible. These 3 had the lowest approvals but they were far from negative.

4)Laezel was hard, she was in my party the whole game but I didn't do the temple/creche by the time I went to go do it, Halsin was threatening to leave the party if we left the Shadowlands. So that all fine, but I really wanted to make it up to her, we got the orphuc hammer but had no way to the prism till the last minute. It was free the prince then or never. We freed him, only for him to get mad we didnt do it sooner. I was like, um, we couldn't break your bonds without the hammer we went to do get. So even your honor gaurd would have failed. Needless to say I was miffed, only to find out we NEEDED an illithad to over power the brain.... and the choice was the prince or me. Sorry bud but it's YOU. So at the end on the dock He gale Laezel his dragon and asked her to free their people and for Tav to kill him. This weird, but again was what laezel said she wanted, in my head such a strong warrior could do worse then becoming the rebel leader, so I let her go. Again it left selfish to ask her to stay while her people suffered, and I was still torn on the asking me to sacrifice Tavs soul for everyone on top of the rest of it.... so not 100% happy here either.

5)Astarion I romanced his ass, and convinced him not only are his siblings and the souls trapped for the ritual like him, but Tav was like them. This felt good at the time... but him running for cover on the docks and everyone being fine with is SUCKED. had a after scene with him, we agreed to look for a way to walk in the light together. it was sweet but my contingency plan was gale annnnd-

6) Gale. I'll admit having an Ex saying kys was like enrageing for me. I was mad, even when Gale wasn't, I was mad cause Gale wasn't. And I held that anger. I think I picked too many 'tell Mystar to fuck herself' options cause that turned quickly into "I want to be a God too" and like, NO Gale. You are a good human, and Gods are NOT people. I like him as people, I would want him or Astarion on a power trip, I like them as they are. So it was upsetting to see Gale continue to be sure he'd take the known for himself. I passed a DC 30 check to try and conive him not to do the thing, only for him on the docks to be like "I'm going fishing for the crown, and I'm disappointed you don't support me" I didn't change my mind.... ((to be fair I've been dressing him in drow camp wear and this

most of act 3.... so I was dressing him for the evil God job he wants the whole time)) I'm the most unhappy about this ending honestly.

yha I could scum save and try to alter it, but I've been trying not to, and this is where I'm at. But now weirdly I'm looking back at Gale and liking him less because of it. He was so helpful in fights and just a joy, but now it feels weirdly like betrayal, like he was pulling an Astarion all along.

I know he wasn't but that's how it feels he feel bad now in a weird way.

that's Mt thoughts firt play through time for a durge run so I can take some more Spoiler tags off lol.