#ill be honest with you guys i had no idea alex was even a character until i went on the wiki

[plulp]

im gonna be fucking sick this makes me sick

[sollucets]

rowan’s gmmtv2024 report:

hi everyone im back from my interview (i dont know yet but i’m hopeful, cross your fingers for me) and im supposed to take a nap before work but i have to yell a bit first you understand

(positives)

1. pluto……. oh my GOD

you guys dont get it i was Really into midnight museum june. i tried my best to watch a lot of things i really didnt like just for namtan tipnaree. i like her So Lots. and namtanfilm i just fully….. had no idea. absolutely none. but it works!! i love it!!! the plot is bonkers (your dead(?) twin was the girlfriend of a now-blind girl that you're lying to now?) and under normal circumstances i wouldnt be interested but namtanfilm Killed this trailer and i also know im going to have Bad second couple syndrome re: whatevers going on with ciize. i love ciize so much.

this was so so soooo good n unexpected . girls kissing onscreen at My gmmtv announcement? :') plus their bathtub scene & that princesses moment.. yeah. that fucks

2. my golden blood

photo proof of me going mildly ballistic about the rumors last week. i did indeed say a few unholy things shortly after this. and to have it be a VAMPIRE BL? gods save us all im going to be so annoying. i was a twilight kid you know it im going to shovel this into my face with abandon

im so down for vampire au fanfic main character princess gawin honestly. wanted by supernatural creatures for his sexy special blood! bridal carried! blood on his university top!!!! i love it i love it i love it

is this objectively a tad embarrassing? yes. are the special effects painfully cheesy? yes. do i care? no 💜

3. peaceful property

this was just so fun to watch the trailer :’) i really love the found family vibes i was getting plus the over the top ghost shenanigans. i’m a casual tay tawan enjoyer & i do really love jan (alex&nim / newjan in warp effect were very fun to me). the trailer felt very warm n fun and bright, so im down. im into it

4. the trainee

we are in “sure i’ll watch that” territory now instead of extreme excitement but i thought this trailer was really fun & cute. i love view, obviously, so the amount of screentime her character got was good for me, and im 👀👀 about those girls. and offgun’s relationship seemed really fun & genuine :’) this seems nice! dont let me down!

5. wandee goodday

i think this looks fun! its a higher heat but still silly, which suits, and it appears to have fake dating which is a weakness trope of mine. also this is one of my bingo squares (adult non-office bl) so yes absolutely ill watch this. thank you p’golf but Please can we get podd Something this time

(mixed feelings)

6. kidnap

i have notably dissonant emotions about ohm pawat (lets not get into it) but i do actually enjoy this kind of forced proximity plotline even if i fear what theyll do with the opening kidnapper/kidnapee relationship. i feel… Something…. about this? yes. something is being felt. there is hope for me here, maybe, perhaps. really though if they want to keep him they should give ohm a smiley role again someday. it feels like everything ive seen him in since bb is all…. violence generational trauma death etc (for the worse imo)

7. gemfourth kiekoi

i think they can do it and it’ll be cute... gemfourth suit aoki and iida well. its just…. i dont know, i have an instinctive ‘noooo’ reaction to this remake. i like kiekoi soso much and i worry a lot. it does not have the exact charm for me.

also for me i wanted something a little different out of gemfourth. they have the range. but again, i do think theyll do well enough with this? so i'm mostly just being..... idk. :<

8. we are

i will at the very least attend e1! but this is too many couples for me if im honest, and they dont seem to be gunning to do anything super interesting. i do love aouboom & i like pondphuwin a lot (i Love pond’s hair in this trailer btw bless) but …. im not invested enough to make it interesting on its own. and [pouty baby voice] i wanted aouboom leads

(negative but ill try to be brief)

9. ossan’s love (the most negative of them all. look away. im so sorry earthmix i love you)

you guys are going to give earth pirapat a fucking complex before he even turns 30. he BETTER be playing haruta (i know hes not). this is just so silly!!! gmmtv doesnt deserve to have this one! this is not right for so many reasons but the most important is that they have no actual correctly aged men. no no no i am so so opposed. and theres not even a trailer 😰 you guys cut that shit out

10. ploy’s yearbook

looks…okay, its giving 55:15 a little bit, but the filmjoong adopted siblings romance threw me so violently that i doubt ill even consider touching it. absolutely not, you guys. gmmtv failing to be normal about siblings yet again! even though i like several of these actresses a lot i really.. i cant do it. also..... is earth a high schooler or is he forty.,, i feel like they're gaslighting us somehow. pairing him with namtan will not improve this situation for me you can't get out of it so easy

(miscellaneous extra commentary no one asked for)

11. only boo (?)

this looks cute? but not in a way where ill watch it unless i have nothing else going on. also unless im mistaken... was that milkbook??? innovation. love it

12. high school frenemies

those boys should be being gay about it instead of whatever shit they're actually doing. very nearly gayer than some of the bl trailers. i do not like this kind of genre thing but viewjune are there so ill still at least consider it.

13. summer nights

incredible how little i can care about something so fast. i'm not like, seethingly angry or anything but it's incredible, truly, how fast any trace of interest dropped away

i dont have anything else to say about the trailers! i will not be addressing the music here as it pains me in many ways.

finally, the personal elephant in the room: no firstkhaotung at all :< you guys know what i am, so obviously i indulged in a little dramatics about it this morning but i do understand. there's a part two that we've now been thoroughly assured they'll be present in, and also they have a show that's actively airing right now, so i'm not too worried. i did sort of expect a minor role for one or both of them at the very least though? but if they actually get a break out of this i'll be happy. please rest boys

(also khaotung on school rangers is, objectively, hilarious. sorry baby they're gonna make you do tasks)

okay! that's all! perhaps nobody wanted to know this

[snarkylinda]

I’m very glad you’re talking about spencer being parentified because it feels like people sometimes gloss over it a bit? or maybe I’m just looking in the wrong places. if this isn’t something you do in you’re blog feel free to just. not respond but do you have any more thoughts or. idk headcanons on how that might have affected him as an adult?

Hi anon! To be honest I have no idea what is essentially discussed alot on the fandom other that a tiny fraction of it I expose myself to because 1#I am too tired and old to deal with fandom discourse about my blorbo, and based on my previous experience with fandoms I KNOW that the most popular the character, the bigger the discourse so haha no- 2# I joined in late lmao literally a couple of months ago, so I am super out of the loop just screaming to the void in desperate needs for someone to scream back 🤲🏼 do this kind of asks actually made me so happy agahagaha 🥰🥰 Buckle up bois this is LONG-

Ok now to those that might come across this and ask themselves what the hell does being parentified means, it's a broad term used for the phenomenon of (at best) a child sharing parental responsibilities due to x circumstance, or (at worst) downright having the parent/child dynamic completely swapped, with the child being the caretaker for the parent and household. You don't have to know deep CM lore knowledge to realize the latter is Spencer Reid to a T. Hell, they aren't even subtle about it lmao:

Btw parentification is often mixed in with abandonment and while they share the "child being forced to grown up" too quickly, the former is often distinguished by the fact that, more often that not as is this case, the parent still cares for them but are unable to do so how it should be (tho there are several cases where parentefication is an part of willing neglect, sadly) and added to the fact that they have to look after themselves- they have to look after another.

This is a really complicated, broad topic and I just mentioned this to go full disclaimer and that I don't blame Diana at all for how messed her son ended up since she can't help it- and to make a joke about how Spencer was abandoned and parentified. Also harassed. Guys he wasn't even 18-

Anyways but back to your question, how do I think that affected Spencer growing up....well in everything basically lmao

But I will take on two instances that had stood up to me the most: emotional management and hiding secrets.

The second one is easier: you would catch this man dead before he vents to you over something other than his shitty dad (that I find very funny tbh) and when he does is because he is at his limit and about to fucking cry.

Now don't get me wrong: we all are entiltde to our privacy. These are grown ass adults and they have lives outside of their working circle....

Right?

Haha we have an problem-

So yeah, Spencer kind of actually needs to rely on his co-workers because he has literally nobody else to rely on-

And yet

Oh here is the thing- Spencer is one polite boi but he is also blunt, if he doesn't want someone on his business he says so (look back when Alex discovered him and Maeve) this is literally "I wanted to tell you but I feel like I shouldn't"- this is not season 1 mind you, this is season 11, and yet here he was one of his oldest friends literally grabbing him by the arm and having to tell him it's never a bother- I am the only one fucking crying at this?

Excuses seems to come to Spencer like it's second nature- "sorry a tube on my apparment broke" "Oh I....I tripped!" "There was a lot of traffic so..." "I was watching an movie" and I am not am expert on USA's history or some shit, but Child Protection Services had been a thing since at least the 60s, so I don't think that a 10yo living alone with his mentally ill mother would have flown well- you get the idea.

I think this scene summarizes the whole thing perfectly

Get it? it's irony. (I love how Spencer is about to say something like dismissive "thank you" but because this shit hit too close to home to comfort he just gave a polite smile and walked away. That silence was LOUD) Because Spencer had always had done the former but the latter er.... :D

And it's not only when it concern Diane btw, any problem whatsoever Spencer would rather lock himself up (literally lmao) that sit down and talk about it- it's only when his bs is exposed and he can't refutage (like that little scene after Gideon's death when Rossi asks him if he had been there all night- he points out the fact he is wearing the same cardigan as the day before) that he opens up....or he runs away, which leads me to the second big point that I think shows how much Parentification fucked him up:

Spencer has the emotional maturity of a teenager.

I talk about this literally all the time so I'll be shorter lmao basically Spencer... has an issue- ok he has lot of issues- and that is the way he dislikes direct confrontation, so whenever he is hurt or angry he would rather be dismissive and passive-agressive that talk it out with the person- even going as far as turning away and storming out of the room.

(Here is the part where I put the screencaps but him storming off would be out of focus so lmao er.... Elephant Memory, Memoriam, Proof, a little part in 15x2 and The Gathering)

Now... I do think that a grown-ass man doing this shit is hilarious, like I love Spencer's bratty side so much lmao but it's an clear sign of someone that never learned how to deal with his emotions on a healthy way, someone that 6 out of 7 days of the week had to interiorize everything in and because of that holds on so much....resement, so much repressed anger but also without an stable force on his life to help him manage that- so we are left with an teenager trapped in an adult's body, loss at how to handle shit like he always did.

....And want to know the worst part about an Parentified boy onto adulthood?

That they don't know better.

[creatingnikki]

Start Up

This was the first k-drama where I legit thought that the 2nd male lead was actually the first male lead until half-way through the show. While I do really like Nam Do-San’s character, I think  Han Ji-Pyeong made me feel WAY more. Especially in terms of the romantic chemistry. 

In the beginning, I was so satisfied with the show. But then I think somewhere around the 12th or 13th episode I started to get bored and disappointed. I think that’s mainly because halmeoni suddenly became a side side character and even Ji-Pyeong didn’t have as much screen time. I also feel like there were some sub-plots that were highly unnecessary because they weren’t fleshed out well and felt disconnected like the friend’s brother who died and he wanted revenge, the whole Alex California 3 year time-jump thing. Like that really slowed down the show and made me go ???  The finale however redeemed the show for me!

There were solid side characters in this k-drama, something I generally appreciate about k-dramas as a whole. The character development was also solid and sweet. I think the one that most touched me was Seo/Won In-Jae’s character development. 

I found more depth in her character than even Seo Dal Mi’s. I loved how she changed her name and then visited her grandmother because she just couldn’t do that before it. I get it. I really do. I think we all take our time to do the things we should/want to and that’s completely okay.

Which brings me to the point that Seo Dal Mi, especially towards the second half, felt like a very basic character. I think she was perhaps the only one who didn’t have much development. I honestly didn’t even find her and Nam Do San’s romance to be great or swoon-worthy. 

The most touching connection for me in this kdrama was  Han Ji-Pyeong and halmeoni’s. Like OH MY GOD. Whether it was when he was a child or even as an adult, their scenes made me cry.

 It was the most wholesome, sincere relationship in the entire show! Whether it was her taking him in and thinking he would rob her money in the shop or him thinking that she gave away his investment profits to her son - and both of them being wrong. The scene at the bus station where she gives him a new pair of shoes and tells him only to contact him when he is upset/alone/ill. 

The fact that she calls him good boy. Ahhhhhh. EVERY bit of it. Like even in the finale when she goes to his house and breaks down when she recognises he is sad + lonely I couldn’t stop my tears!!!!! It’s like he can be his true self with halmeoni.

And can I just ramble on about Ji-Pyeong? Firstly his dimples. I can’t deal. 

Secondly his acting. Thirdly his dialogue and his character arc. The way he was so smart in investing and work. The way he could give real feedback and the way he could be honest with Nam Do-San at the end. Aso the fact that he asked him to stop feeling inferior - ahhhhh. Someone really needed to tell Do-San to feel confident and enough and the fact that Ji-Pyeong did that meanth EVERYTHING. Everything about Ji-Pyeong had my heart! His conversations with Yeong-Shila and his drunk moments. And everything in between. I am really heartbroken that he ended up alone. To be honest, by the end of it I really wanted him to end up with In-Jae. I think they as a couple would surprise all of us. 

I know this may be a controversial opinion but both In-Jae and Ji-Pyeong were such strong characters and I feel like they would have easily overpowered the actual first leads (individually and together) if some more attention was paid to them. Which is probably why it wasn’t? But I feel like had the writers of the show leaned more into these two characters. They were smart, mature, emotionally more complex and that’s probably one of my major disappointments with Start-Up. 

But anyhooo, I really appreciated that the last scene was Nam Do-San and Seo Dal-Mi walking to their investor meeting and not their wedding scene. Because yaaaas power couple! I also love how her being the CEO didn’t make Do-San feel inferior or have some sexist ego complex. 

Talking about other side characters I really appreciated Seo Dal Mi’s mom’s redemption. It warmed my heart. I loved how Nam DO San’s father at the end put up the Samsan Tech sign board in the living room and said that the next time he thinks his son is doing something he doesn’t approve of he will look at it 3 times and wait it out/support him? Jung Sa-Ha and Lee Chul-San’s romance appealed to me a lot more than the leads’ romance - no kidding. 

Some of my FAVOURITE scenes were between Nam Do-San and Ji-Pyeong. Like in one of the first few episodes when they are at that conference/party where Nam Do-San shows up as a hot-shot entrepreneur for Dal-Mi and then the two guys move aside to show that they are talking and know each other and Do-San is like what do we talk about? ANd Ji-Pyeong is like let’s just recite the national anthem! I DIED. And then at the end when he invests in Cheonymyeong and they shake hands, how initially Ji-Pyeong only shakes with his two fingers. They both individually and together were beautiful. 

Also can I just say how cool I found the founder and CEO of sandbox just struck me as the COOLEST woman? She’s the kind of person I’d want as my mentor and friend if I was starting a business. And Dal Mi-s father’s backstory is just so very s ad with him finally getting an investment but also like dying the very same day. Sandbox really feels in some way his legacy? 

And I also low-key found the relation between Ji-Pyeong and park Dong-Chun endearing. Like ho Dong-Chun aways recommends all these lovely start ups that aren’t really profitable but he just cannot resist it! And how Ji-Pyeong finally personally invests in the start up for kids who leave orphanages at 18 in the end :’) I was waiting for him to finally personally invest in something like this because he’s rich and he can and I loved it. More than the investing, his meeting with the CEO of that start up was funny and how he wasn’t harsh towards him and how also said he wants a few kids that he can mentor! My heart!

Nam Do-San. I love how he had SO many insecurities because I have always associated that with the female leads whether in kdramas or just generally in the world of fiction. And the fact that he didn’t have any toxic or abusive outlets for his issues is what made me adore him. The friendship between him and his two developer friends was also very heartwarming.

I did really like the business and entrepreneurship aspect of the show like how thye tried to include concepts like the J curve and why you should be a majority shareholder in your own business and what investors look for and stuff. Ofc I would have LOVED it to be more heavy on that aspect but I get that for the general viewership that probably wouldn’t have worked. 

One of the most striking things about Start Up was the relationship between the two sisters. I can’t tell you how much I was digging the fact that neither of them, especially Won In-Jae (at the time) tried to backstab or fuck things up for the other. Even though they had been away for a decade and clearly had made opposite choices in picking their parents and hence a lot of their life, they didn’t once sabotage the other. In fact, they were always concerned about the other when it really came down to it. And them reuniting and working together was a highlight for me. 

This is one of the few kdramas that got the finale done so beautifully. But since Ji-Pyeong’s 2020 life wasn’t really shown to us this is how I’m narrating it in my head. He and In-Jae get together and are this smart power-couple who can open up with each other and be soft and adorable. He also has formed meaningful connections with two kids who left the orphanage and their connection is as wholesome as his and halmeoni's. He and In-Jae live  together in his apartment facing Han River and keep cutely arguing over start up ideas and companies to invest in. Now any time he looks at Seo Dal Mi and Do San he feels friendly affection and this sort of protective vibe. He found some super eye specialist and got halmeoni's eye sight fixed. Her corn dog shop became a huge franchise cos plot twist In Jae and Dal Mi's mother is actually v strategic in business growth.

[thesportssoundoff]

A word on the ole elephant in the Barclay’s Center

Joey

Jan 15th

So I was working on my card write up for the UFC's ESPN debut and there's obviously a big elephant in the room regarding the co-main event. There's plenty of things I wanted to say or believe in saying and it was taking attention away from the card. It was getting way too long and so I figured I'd just do a separate bit on the entire situation. It's probably going to be a bit messy and perhaps a touch convoluted but I'm hoping that I can at least get some concepts out here. It's my "job" on here to be kind of rational and fair. Gonna put it under the read more just in case some people don't want a big wall of text given I've got ANOTHER wall of text coming re: actual fight business.

I want to begin with an irritable point of contention I have about not so much Greg Hardy but of a fake concept in MMA some people keep clinging to. Guys if I could, I would love to shout this to the heavens: There is NO such concept in MMA as earn nor deserve. Nobody earns anything and nobody deserves anything. We've seen it a million times now. Earn and deserve are fake in this sport and the longer we continue to believe in it, the more irritating it gets. There is no earn. There is no deserve.  There is truly no meritocracy here and the UFC has shown us that time and time again. Asking if Greg Hardy has "earned the right to be on the first ever ESPN card?" Idiotic. What has Alonzo Menifield done? Chance Rencountre? Who determines who has "earned" such an honor? Okay who determines who deserved it? The same company that felt has bent its unofficial playbook for dudes like Jon Jones and Conor McGregor? Think of all the fighters who have "earned" title shots and had them taken away or fighters who deserved spots on a main card only to be buried on the prelims due to their fighting style or in some cases whether or not their contract was expiring. I hate to be the dickhead here but we need to stop debating earn and deserve because it's fake. Combat sports make it fake and then revel in us getting tied up about something they don't care about.

Keeping with that point, remember that at the end of the day everybody has the same moral compass. The goal with this show is to get a rating and get ESPN+ subs and I'm 100% sure that if ESPN felt Greg Hardy on the first card was a problem they would've stopped it. ESPN has the authority and the say so here and yet here we are with him still on the card. Every organization has the same moral compass; they're all trying to sell you something. I had this conversation on the DojoTalkPodcast pertaining to the idea of asking forms of entertainment to handle issues they're ill-equipped to deal with---primarily because it collides with the end result of making money. Random guess that ESPN and the UFC had a meeting about it, the UFC said "We think he can generate X amount of interest" and so ESPN sucked it up and went with it. Greg Hardy is probably the second biggest story on this card for better or worse and to be honest if there's interest being driven? It's him. The show looks like it's on path to sell out so it's not like Greg Hardy is sending people away. Again all promotions are trying to make money here and if that means having to buddy up with a guy like Greg Hardy, that's what they'll do in the long run. If this truly irks you then understand that you have plenty of people to get mad at; not just the UFC here. All parties, all involved.  They all dug deep into this together and so here we are.

I object to the idea that Greg Hardy is getting a second chance. It's really more like a third chance and potentially even a fourth if we're being honest. Greg Hardy was talented enough at Ole Miss to be a 1st round pick and wound up going in the 6th round because teams had genuine concerns over his character and work ethic. That's chance one. Chance two came in Carolina where he worked himself up into a potential major payday and then he screwed himself over with the DV incident. In a sympathetic NFL, Hardy could've come back with a bigger long term payday had he just kept himself out of trouble in Dallas. As a Cowboys fan, I can tell you there were heavy rumblings toward the end of the year that he was toxic and divisive that the Cowboys were thinking of cutting him before December was out. Chance three. Hardy was essentially blackballed from the NFL despite his talent level and his response to this was to eventually get arrested for cocaine possession and other offenses. The UFC is not a second chance for Greg Hardy to earn big money. Maybe it's a second chance from a spiritual or personal perspective but I'm not even sure that fits either. Greg Hardy is what he is; a troubled yet talented individual who has historically not learned from his mistakes. To a fault, I'm really big on second chances and multiple chances for people because human beings are faulty machines who make mistakes and absolutely in my opinion capable of learning and improving. At the same time, I do not in any way shun people who don't believe this person is capable of fixing himself or making good on the repeated opportunities his talent allows. They have history on their side.

It's possible to A) feel as though Greg Hardy being on the same card as PVZ/Rachael Ostovich is tone deaf and B) be ultimately okay with is so long as Ostovich is okay with it. I wouldn't of done it, think it's borderline arrogant and invites unwanted controversy but if the person or people most likely to be impacted by it are fine with it then it's whatever I guess. This feels like a self inflicted wound from an organization that has enough scars from its own stubborness/arrogance.

HAVING SAID THAT, let's address a problem MMA has to find a way to correct and I suppose the same goes for combat sports as a whole. We totally need to find a way to get around the "I'm paying/watching to see you lose" aspect of things. Greg Hardy is here probably 50% in part that there's a bloodthirsty audience willing to wait and wait for the day when he eventually loses. It's that weird primal urge people have that feeds the not so good aspects of human nature. It also creates situations like this where people get mad about something, wait for what they feel is the karmic payoff and if it happens then it's this big pop. The problem is this isn't pro wrestling where we can script who wins and loses and so a bunch of folks who want that release get stifled and it turns ugly. I remember Rumble fights being like that; primarily because people who were so vehemently opposed to him would tune in or pay money to see him lose and then break down when he wouldn't. There's something really unhealthy about that aspect of combat sports and the longer it keeps working and promoters can manipulate it, the longer we're going to have to deal with all of this.

Feels pretty cop out-y to not say if I'm watching or not. I'll be watching on Saturday for a variety of reasons. The first is I promised Alex I'd cover just about every UFC card I could and to this date I think I've missed three; one for a power outage, one because I couldn't see after eye surgery and a third because I was sick (and even then I jumped in halfway through). I'm not going to let Greg Hardy force me to slack on what I said I'd do. I'll also be watching because it's a damn good card and I'm excited to see a lot of it. I also do, and I hate to tell people this knowing the response, think Greg Hardy is going to be a serious thing in this HW division when all is said and done. Will he be good enough to win a title? Probably not. I have SERIOUS doubts he stays out of trouble long enough to not even make it two years into the UFC. That said he's my Adrien Broner I guess; I wanna see how good he is before he capsizes himself. Lastly? This is combat sports. No form of entertainment outside of maybe the music industry forces people to separate artist from person so repeatedly. It often times asks us to stomach some pretty rough people in exchange for the violence they put into the cage or the ring. I've been on here for waaaaaaaaaay too long; long enough to have covered fights with people like Thiago Silva, Abel Trujillo, Rumble and so on so forth. I mean hell Floyd Mayweather Jr! Guys like Bernard Hopkins, Travis Browne, Jon Jones, Rumble Johnson all have their personal warts often displayed in the public's eye and yet we still watch their fights because....well we're addicted. Greg Hardy I guess isn't enough to get me to quit cold turkey on MMA.  Hell look at it this way, the alternative for Saturday if you're a combat sports fan is a battle between a guy who seems to get arrested once a year (Adrien Broner) and a guy who has some pretty comments on his record regarding gays and supports using the death penalty for drug offenders (Manny Pacquaio). We all have to make choices, especially in combat sports, about what our lines are or aren't. That's our jobs as consumers.

That said if there's one thing I can say that I hope will stick with everyone, it's that there's nobody wrong here outside of the people in question here. What YOU do as a fan one way or another is ultimately your business. If Greg Hardy offends you as a person then I have zeeero problem with you deciding to sit this show out. There are people I respect who will not be watching and I respect them for having that feeling. It's a totally acceptable feeling to have and no, you're not some SJW/soyboy/snowflake or whatever other terms MMA bros might throw your way. You have your line and I accept that and if anything, I appreciate you sticking to your convictions. Conversely I'd also ask that you not get pissy about people who ARE going to tune in and watch. Watching an MMA event with one dude on it who draws some serious visceral reactions due to his actions doesn't make you a supporter of domestic violence, a bad person or some kind of gooney bird unless you're actively rooting for Hardy DUE to his DV past. In that case, you probably are all those things. At the end of the day, we're all in charge of our own moral compass. Watch if you wish, feel how you feel, just don't hurt your cause by being an asshole about it.

[dentalrecordsmusic]

This Was An Accident: An Interview with Will Wood, New Jersey’s Best Kept Secret

Photo courtesy of Alex Michelini.

I check my phone for the time and it’s just after 3AM. Backroom Studios is hushed — so piercingly quiet that it borders on haunting. Two hours before, Will Wood closed off his performance here in Rockaway NJ. He had performed solo in front of a motley crew of teenagers and twenty-somethings, many of whom had painted their faces to resemble the artwork created by the night’s entertainer. Wood’s fans are not simply passionate. They are a force armed with a fury beyond measure. They are combative and crazed. Wood always knew this, but it had tested him this evening. 

Wood is sweeping the floor. It is difficult to see, a mess with glitter and confetti and the rare beer can. He is dressed in a marvelous blazer and a dandy hat. I think he looks like Peter Doherty in his heroin years but with eyes that still have the fire burning. The sparkle is still there. But Wood is noticeably fatigued. This performance had drained him. The crowd, saturated with a fascination of the man, had been wild and hard to dominate. Their shouts of encouragement (as well as the odd screech of humorous joke to direct attention) and nervous excitable demeanor had thrown Wood off. He took it in and fired back in the best ways he knew how, but the responsibility of being a serious artist and a tongue-in-cheek eccentric character had clearly impacted him. 

What follows is a full, unedited, transcribed conversation with the man who calls himself the real Will Wood -- he is New Jersey’s best kept secret and a force as great as his following.

What was your goal overall when it came to putting together this show?

“In terms of my career or in terms of art? I think that probably applies to every musician or artist you talk to about what their goals are. As a careerist or an artist? Everybody draws the line between the two on their own terms. Some people draw a hard line and just say “No I’m not a careerist.” Even the most vapid boring horrible people with nothing to say and nothing to offer the world, those ghastly MTV puppets who have nothing original of their own to say will call themselves artists and I can’t take that away from them. And then you have the self-absorbed purists who see any sign of financial success as a sign of ideological weakness. I’m getting so off track part of it is just the fact that I have a broken brain by nature and I guess that’s because I fried my brain on too much acid back in the day.” 

Let’s talk about that too. Where do you feel like you fit in? And does that have an impact on your mental illness?

“It’s tough to address it in terms of mental illness. It’s a weird topic and a stigmatized topic and so many people are afraid to talk about it and so many people are afraid to hear people talk about it. The amount of honesty in which I try to approach my work, in order to be honest I have to lie a lot. In order to be an artist and be about who I am and the experiences I’ve had, I have to do things like use a fake name and exaggerate the truth so it can be separated from reality and not have to deal with the impossible consequences of being totally honest. To answer your question, it’s tough to draw a line. I’m not fully careerist and I’m not fully artist. To say that I am looking to make a career out of this but I really don’t know. Part of me says that if I couldn’t do it the way I want to do it as an artist, then I wouldn’t want to do it at all. Then another part of me says ‘you know what, I don’t know if I could do anything else’. At this point, I have a public name for myself as someone who can not be trusted in the normal world. Having to lie in order to be honest — that comes in handy there. But anybody who Googles me is going to be like, ‘I can’t hire this kid. He’s a drug-addled pansexual borderliner.’ I’m not going to be appealing. 

“I’m pretty dead-set on the whole career-as-an-artist thing but not to a point where I would be willing to give up my artistic vision. You always have to make compromises but the truth of the matter is about being totally unique and different and true to themselves or seem true to themselves as people. One of the best things you can do as a careerist is to be true to yourself and then an artist. Is there a chance that Salvador Dali was full of shit and he grew that mustache because someone said it would be a good idea to make money that way? And somebody told him, ‘YO totally paint some melting clocks — those will sell like fucking hotcakes!’ Maybe that happened. But the way I see it is, most likely, Salvador Dali was a successful career-artist because of the fact he didn’t compromise his artistic vision. At least not to a point where it destroyed him. 

“I think all the most successful artists have been so successful because they were true to their artistic vision that was unique to themselves. It’s possible that I could just take everything I’ve wanted to do as an artist and go, ‘Wait hold on let’s back it up and try to see how to make money instead’. Then follow that and follow those formulas and get an education and learn how to make money off of music and look into that and ‘sell out’ and all that jazz. I could stop doing all the weird shit. I could try and be more normal, palatable, accessible and I do occasionally make efforts to make my work accessible because I do want people to hear it and I do want it to reach people’s ears. But I don’t want it to be accessible for arbitrary reasons. What my fans tell me and the information I get from them based on reactions to shows and the art they show me that’s inspired by my work — I think the reason I’ve had any sort of success is because of exactly the things that people will tell you you can’t do, because if you do them you won’t be successful. It can be honest in a dishonest fashion or dishonest in an honest fashion whatever — it’s natural. I’m not trying, this is just what comes to me. Doing what I do is the only way I know how to do it.

“Naturally, I’m expressing things that other people won’t express. Any connection I make by being a total fucking weirdo and by straying from the beaten path I think is gonna be stronger than any other connection I make trying to make everybody like me. If you just try to make everybody like what you do and try to focus on selling instead of expressing I think audiences sense that in a lot of ways and I think they have much less to connect to. And don’t get me wrong, people will connect to it. Think about how many people must connect to Taylor Swift. I’m not trying to talk shit on Taylor Swift but those Top 40 artists who have the connotation of being the music industry sell outs, those people who seemingly create art in the name of financial gain, I think the connection they make with their fans doesn’t go quite as deep. When you’re putting yourself out there in really honest terms and you’re not alone and there will be people out there who feel the same way and moved by the fact that they are not alone. The best thing I think I could do as a careerist would be to focus on what’s best for me as an artist because those connections will be founded on something more meaningful to myself and to the listener.” 

What is your relationship with your fans like for you? Especially as someone who questions everything all the time through your music and as a person. You’re always questioning people’s motives or what is truth and what is false. How does your relationship with your fans play into that? Do you feel like you need to be a character or do you feel like you could be yourself?

“People having passion for my work, people who have expressed passion for my work — some of them have done it in a way where it makes my heart sink. And other people do it in a way that makes my heart scream and run away. In being a fan or anything or anyone, there’s always a certain amount of hero worship that goes into it and that’s not comfortable to be the subject of. You start to see people behaving in ways that they wouldn’t behave in towards a peer. They don’t treat you like a regular person. They treat you like you’re something fucking special, like a deity. There comes a point where I find myself speaking to somebody, just trying to speak to them, and they listen on very different terms than if I were speaking to you, or to a friend or a fellow musician. You’re a different person to everybody in your life. You speak differently to everybody in your life. 

“Nobody likes to be condescended to, nobody likes to be talked down to. And I don’t always like to be talked up to. It puts me in a position where I have to own up to that. I don’t like reacting to it — it makes me nervous because it puts me in a position where my options are to either agree with them or disagree with them. To disagree with them, this particular kind of fan, is a mistake to a certain extent but to agree with them makes me feel disgusting. In my stage persona, I pretend everything and I mock the notion that I agree because a lot of times in videos or performances you’ll hear me say incredibly narcissistic things with a massive sneer on my face. The reason I do that is to be like, ‘Hey guys! Calm the fuck down!’ Partially to buy into it for the sake of rock 'n’ roll and try to tell a good story here, partially for the sake of painting a colorful character, and partially for the sake of mocking the very notion of behaving as though somebody is above you or talking up to somebody simply because you enjoy their work. 

“I’ve been a fan. I’ve been a fan of a lot of musicians. Honus Honus from Man Man, I played with him once at WFMU. I was a huge fan of his work for years. I was listening to him since I was 15. One of my biggest influences. I remember the first time I saw Man Man he was hanging out after the show and I was starstruck. He allowed me to add him on Facebook and he made a mistake. This was years ago, I was a kid. I was younger and still doing a lot more drugs and still drinking and so I would be lying if I didn’t say I sent him some very bizarre Facebook messages because sometimes you feel like you connect more than you actually do or you assume so many things about people based on their work. I talked to him in this language that I think he will understand because I understand him and he understands me and really, it’s just talking up to somebody. When I finally met him years later at a show we played together he remembered me because somebody made a joke about me surprisingly being the only sober member of my band and I can’t remember what he said exactly but he said something along the lines of, ‘I don’t blame the rest of you for drinking and doing drugs because you probably have to in order to work with Will Wood.' 

“It was all in good fun, he’s a nice dude. He’s not wrong. But the end of the story is, I don’t like being talked up to. It’s just as bad as being talked down to. It feels very similar. It doesn’t feel genuine and it doesn’t feel good because it makes me feel like if you’re talking up to somebody or you’re talking down to somebody all I know is that we’re not on the same level. I don’t like that feeling. I don’t like feeling like I’m expected to be more than equal or less than equal to somebody. I don’t want to be put on the spot like that. At the same time, I suppose it’s a good problem to have. I’m still really grateful for the support my fans give me it’s just that I don’t like being treated like Jesus and I don’t like being treated like a commodity either. Because I’m an entertainer I understand that I provide the entertainment but I’m still a person and maybe you connect deeply with my work, maybe you find some grand meaning behind what I do — whatever. I’m still just the guy with the keyboard you know? To ever own up to the fact that you have fans at all, already feels wrong to me and uncomfortable to me. If we’re gonna delve into the real personal side I guess it’s because I don’t like myself and so when other people like me, I get a little suspicious. I just get uncomfortable. I don’t know how to react to people liking me.” 

But you’re comfortable baring certain insecurities on stage? 

“I think what I may have done by baring insecurities on stage, I don’t really think that’s what I’m doing. It feels more to me like I’m baring my strengths in a way. In the process of being on stage talking about things that are painful or dark and using the stage to mock them or belittle those things or to simply share those things — I don’t feel like I’m standing up there naked. I don’t feel vulnerable. There’s a certain level of vulnerability, sure but it doesn’t make me uncomfortable to talk about those things. It’s not like I’m overcoming some fear of talking about painful things. Talking about things has always been how I make them better. Venting and getting them out there. I got a text message from one of my fans after this show and they were thanking me for making them feel better. It makes them feel like they’re not so alone or like they’re okay. If I know that by baring shitty things on stage, I have the opportunity to do that then I think it’s my duty to do it and also my pleasure to do it. If somebody really does feel that way about what I do, I want to make sure that they feel that as much as possible. There are people who tell me that my work has helped them in one way or another, I like that because I feel like we’re talking on level ground. When they’re saying that it’s like they’re really saying, ‘I feel you, dude.’” 

You’re able to relate through that exchange. 

“Exchanges like that keep me going because they mean that I’m accomplishing something. You could try and talk about success on practical and concrete terms or loftier terms or cultural impact or things like that. Somewhere in between, I think there’s a matter of: is what I’m doing making people feel good? If doing what I do makes people feel good in the way I’ve been told then I have an obligation to the world to do it.” 

How will the part two of your show with The Tapeworms be different from this solo set? 

“I like playing solo because I like getting that more intimate connection with people and it’s just me and the keyboard and the people in front of me. Obviously, tonight went a little out of hand. A lot of shouting, a lot of heckling, a lot of screaming. I mean I’m glad people were excited but it made the show very different from what I wrote. I had a show written out. It wasn’t beat by beat but it was theme by theme, song by song. Notes on how to say certain things and what exactly I’m trying to say at that moment. As both a careerist and an artist this is my goal: to present Will Wood, whoever that guy is. 

“With all the bells and whistles, and all the lights and colors and flash and nonsense and wackiness and unpredictability and Beat poetry and hollering and surrealist nonsense — I wanted to really play with that character. I wanted to create a show in which that character fell apart. I don’t mean that the character necessarily falls apart like has an emotional breakdown on stage. I mean the character falls apart and loses its consistency and slowly stops being over the course of the show. The persona I wear on stage is different at every show because I’ll say different things and there will be different voices in which to present those things in order to make them sound the way I need them to sound, to be honest with myself as an artist — whatever that fucking means. I wanted to create this character simply for the sake of destroying it. I didn’t want anyone to walk away from this show feeling like they finally knew the real Will Wood. That’s the reason I called it ‘The Real Will Wood’ because it was kind of a joke. I wanted people to ask who the real Will Wood is and then not get an answer. 

“It’s interesting because I had this whole show planned out and I thought I had done a really good job creating this narrative based on monologuing and poetry and Beat poetry and colorful language and over-the-top expression and song — this narrative of this character breaking down and eating itself alive until there’s no more character left and it’s just the bare bones or 'The Real Will Wood’ whether or not that person would still be me. I constructed the show with that in mind and my best-laid plans of mice and men went awry. Instead of me putting on this show where I create the character and then I break it down and destroy it, I put on this show and create the character and then I allow the audience to do that for me. It wasn’t on purpose. I didn’t want the audience to do it for me. I don’t mean just through shouting out and singing along or heckling or whatever was going on. On a weird, vague, ethereal sort of level, the energy that they put out never matched the energy that I was going to need in order to put on the show that I had written. 

“Instead, they put on the show that they ended up writing on the spot and I was able to use shreds of what I’d prepared but really what ended up happening is I lost control of the character I was trying to break down and I lost control of the breakdown. Maybe because of it, I’m a little bit more of the 'real Will Wood’ which came through more than I ever intended. Although I think the phrase ‘the real Will Wood’ was just a joke because I find the notion of the real me to be a nonsense concept anyway. At the end of this show, I was pretty fucking bare. I like to keep people uncertain as to whether I mean to do something partially because it keeps me safe, partially because it keeps the audience engaged. I was told tonight after the show a couple fans came up to me and said, ‘You know, there were a few moments I was kind of scared like I was worried if you were okay. I wasn’t sure If you were genuinely upset or not.’ And I said, ‘Yeah, me neither.’ 

“I think it makes for a difficult show to put on but I think that makes a good show. When I’m no longer entirely sure where I draw the line between character and self without bells and whistles because that was kind of the whole point of it in the first place. It was to say, ‘Hey where do you draw the line?’ They draw a line for me and then I wasn’t sure if they were right or not. Instead of leaving them wondering who the real Will Wood was they left me wondering. That’s pretty cool. That’s a better work of art than I could have made on my own. A lot of times the context in which art falls on its face, the way it’s received is in the end almost always more meaningful in a way that it’s intended. The way in which a piece of art is reacted to, I believe is part of what gives that art its value and meaning. Tonight I had some big plans to create some big meaning and they said, ‘Yeah okay cool! But what about this?!’”

Do you regret going through all of that planning? 

“I don’t regret a goddamn thing. If I hadn’t planned it out like crazy, then there wouldn’t have been the experience of them throwing my plans in the garbage or the energy of the show throwing my plans in the garbage. There wouldn’t have been the value of trying to create a character in order to break it down and then try to create that character and watching the audience help me break it down into something I did not intend to break it down into. Even when I am going to try and break down a character I’m still gonna wanna break it down to only the person I want them to see — I’m gonna wanna maintain a certain amount of control of what side of me people see. I don’t have any plans to do anything like this again. It doesn’t mean I don’t plan to play solo shows again or plan to put on big productions again. I just know I’ll never do this again. It’s not a decision, I just know I won’t. A lot of things just happen. A lot of people point out that my songwriting style will shift genres between songs and they’ll be like, ‘that’s really clever!’ and yeah no, it’s because I can’t make up my mind about what kind of musician I wanted to be that day. 

“And that’s kind of the story of everything that I’ve done. Nothing has happened according to plan. If I try to do this again it wouldn’t be this. It’s like when Green Day keeps trying to make American Idiot again. They keep failing because you can’t try to make American Idiot — that album happened by accident. I think art happens by accident. Why something is art and what the art means to people and why it’s successful and what makes it beautiful or ugly is dependent on accidents. Dependent on things that were outside the control of the artist. Art is defined by the artist and by the receiver of the art. American Idiot happened by accident — they stumbled onto American Idiot. I stumbled onto this. Not saying this is my American Idiot obviously, but this happened by accident. For me to plan to do it again wouldn’t make sense.”

Will Wood and The Tapeworms are performing two shows at Backroom Studios in New Jersey celebrating the three year anniversary of their debut release, Everything Is A Lot. Special tickets are available in limited numbers here. Night One, on May 25th, is currently sold out. Tickets will be available at the door for Night Two on May 26th. 

For more information about Will Wood and The Tapeworms, check them out on Facebook, Bandcamp, and Spotify.

Catherine Dempsey has her third eye. You can follow her on Instagram.

[alixzin]

Unfinished Medical Procedures Fic

In which Lin takes Alex to see a neurologist and has a series of brain tests done (EEG and MRI) to make sure nothing more serious is wrong. I wrote this last January while I was snowed in and highly productive. This was before I knew what in the verse to write and was doing a little of everything. I stopped working on it when “Where You Started” took over and demanded all my attention. At this point it’s been so long that I don’t know if I’ll ever go back to it, but it has some really nice moments that deserve to see the light of day, so here it is. 

They are at first neurologist appointment, discussing tests he wants to run before prescribing medication to prevent migraines.

 “It’s not at all scary, not like the MRI,” the doctor reassures them after expressing the need for an EEG. “All that happens is we attach electrodes, which look a bit like watch batteries, to different parts of your head with washable glue. Each one is attached to a wire that records the brain signals. You’ll just lie on a bed for an hour and your parents can stay with you.”

It’s starting to become a thing that every doctor they see refers to them as Alex’s “parents”, “Dad” or “Mom”. They’ve given up on correcting it.

“Now one part of an EEG that is challenging is that we intentionally put the brain under a lot of stress to increase the likelihood of catching unusual activity.”

Lin’s eyes widen at this and he gives Alex’s knee a squeeze. As if he doesn’t have enough stress on his brain already.

“What exactly does that mean? Can it be done without that?”

“It would just be a waste of time and money to be honest. The biggest aspect of this is sleep deprivation. For teens this means staying up for at least 24 hours beforehand.”

Alex full on rolls his eyes at this. Even Lin has to crack a smile. Alex would consider being allowed to stay up all night a special treat.

“I saw that look. It’s noted on his health history he has insomnia. Is staying up like that typical for Alexander?”

“Very. If we aren’t policing him Alex will go a full week with only a couple of hours of sleep.”

“That does not sound at all healthy and increases my worries about unusual brain activity. I’d be interested to see what’s going on in his head when that’s happening.” Wouldn’t we all. “If we’re going to do this, it’s best to do it right. Do you think Alexander could tolerate going 48 hours?”

“Alexander’s right here, you know!”

Lin grins. He loves Alex’s sassy side.

“What do you think Alex?”

“Please. That’s cake. I can go longer if you want.”

“No!” Lin and Vanessa say at the same time.

 Alex is confident in his ability (and likely ecstatic to be allowed to stay up that long), but Lin can’t help but be nervous that this might not end well.

 There’s a catch. Of course, there’s a catch. When Lin finally reads through the info packet on the test the night before Alex starts the sleep purge one detail jumps out at him: absolutely no caffeine.

Alex’s entire existence is powered by mass quantities of caffeine, which is one of the many things they have in common. Him and Vanessa have figured out that even when Alex is home sick or recovering from a bad migraine he still needs coffee, or else caffeine withdrawal symptoms get added to his illness. With all his anxiety cutting back on Alex’s consumption has been on the “things with Alexander that need to be addressed” list for a while now, but they haven’t gotten to it yet. Partially because that would mean Lin going through coffee detox with him to avoid looking like a huge hypocrite and partially because then they would lose their most powerful Alex negotiation tool. Need to convince him to do something he doesn’t want to? Bribe with extra coffee. Need to get Alex to stop an unhealthy behavior like refusing to go to bed? Threaten to take away his coffee. In their defense they are very new to this whole parenting thing.

 He does try to convince Alex to back out of this and just do the twenty-four hours, but once Alex gets something in his head as a personal challenge there is no backing out.

 The pamphlet recommended having an adult stay up with him to make sure he doesn’t sleep, but they all know that with Alex on the first night it’s not at all necessary. They’ll save that for the second night, if for nothing else then to keep him company and show solidarity.

The next morning over breakfast all Lin has to do is take one look at Alex to know this is proving more difficult than they had anticipated, taking in how pale he is and the already increased size of the bags under his eyes.

“Alex, you’re not going to school today.”

“What? No, I’m fine.”

“Even so, I’d really prefer if you didn’t, mijo.” He wants Alex near him just in case something goes wrong.

Lin’s concerned that if he leaves Alex home alone he might accidently fall asleep, which would normally please him, but that would just mean having to start this whole thing all over again. However, since Alex isn’t actually sick, Lin can’t quite justify taking the day off with him (given how many times he’s done that already), so he quickly comes to the decision to have Alex tag along with him all day. Besides it would probably be better if Alex was up and about doing things all day.

 [Insert fluff of spending day together and finally meeting the cast for real. I’ll get to it!]

-         Spoiler from nearly a year later, nope never did, oops.

 Later on in the day at the Public Theater backstage, Lin finally convinces Alex to formally meet a few people.  Knocks on Daveed and Oaks door. 

“Hey Daveed, there’s someone I’d like you to meet. This is my…this is Alex.”

A man with one of the largest afro’s Alex has ever seen pops his head out. He looks familiar though.

“Alex. Good to finally meet you officially.”

“Hi.” Alex resists the urge to hide behind Lin. Not cool Alex. Not cool at all! You’re fifteen, not five.

“I’m glad to see you looking better. You really worried me a couple weeks ago.”

That’s it. He recognizes the voice now. This was the guy who called him “baby Lin” and had so frantically called Lin claiming he needed an ambulance. Alex could just about melt into the floorboards in embarrassment. What the heck is he supposed to say after meeting someone like that?

“Wait until you hear Daveed rap tonight Alex. The man’s a beast!” Lin gushes, completely oblivious to Alex’s humiliation. Or is it because of?

“Are you seeing the show tonight?”

Alex nods. Why is talking so hard?

“You’re in for a real treat! You’ve got a certified genius for a foster dad. Seriously, if anyone else had pitched this idea to me, I would have laughed at them, but because it’s Lin... Okay, I still laughed at him. Listen, I want to apologize for our last encounter Alex. We’ve been hearing Lin talk about you for so long, we were a little too eager, but shouldn’t have burst in like that. I’m sorry for the additional pain we caused you.”

Alex gapes at him. Nope—no idea how to respond to that either. He must look like such an idiot.

“Are you kidding?” cuts in Lin. “Daveed, you get that if you, Oak and Ramos hadn’t disregarded my orders to leave my kid alone, it probably would have been another hour before I checked on him? I don’t even want to think about what state he might have been in then. I am so incredibly grateful for your interference.”

Did Lin just call him his kid? What the hell is he supposed to think of that? This is his tweets referring to him as his ‘son’ all over again. Everyone had assumed he had meant Sebastian with that one, but sheesh. It flashes him back to the conversation he overhead Lin and Vanessa have about it while he was still recovering in bed.

“Oh come on, give me a break here! There are only 150 characters allowed. I don’t have room to put foster in front of it. Besides, the public doesn’t need to know about him.”

“You didn’t have to tweet about it at all.”

“People thought I was dying. I didn’t even give a goodnight tweet. I had to give some explanation.”

“And those fault is that? Lin, you have a twitter problem.”

  Lin is very aware that Alex has never seen him preform outside of ‘In The Heights’ youtube clips he caught him watching, so he decides to still go on as Hamilton as planned. Instead they get a sitter for Sebastian so Vanessa can sit in the audience with Alex.

 Alex is dazzled by the first act. Lin sees him from the stage go from drooping in his chair looking close to falling asleep to wide awake and hanging on every word by the second song. It makes for one of his best performances. Having Alex there and earning his approval matters so much more to him than any celebrity in the audience. What’s truly adorable is that when Vanessa brings him backstage during intermission Alex is acting shy and tongue tied around him, as if he’s suddenly star struck by his own foster dad. Lin’s not worried though, he knows it will pass the next time he annoys him.

“Did you really write that?” he asks shyly right before they leave to take their seats in the audience.

“I did.”

“How?!”

“It did take me seven years. If you like we can add a discussion of the writing process to our nights planned activities.��

“I’d like that.”

 It takes him a while to notice since his back is turned to the audience for the second half of “The World Was Wide Enough”, but as soon as Lin comes forward his eyes zero in right on Alex. He’s bawling his eyes out and Vanessa is starting to look worried. Lin’s distracted enough by this that he misses his cue and grabs Pippa’s hand at the wrong time. At least he doesn’t have to sing anymore. Lin doesn’t know how he could do it when his Alexander is in the front row crying like that. During the bows he makes eye contact with Vanessa who shoots him a panicked look. She holds up her phone to indicate that she sent him a text, which he nods at in confirmation. Once they’ve gone through the motions, he all but sprints off stage to get to his phone.

“Bit of a situation here. Alex *freaked out* when you got shot. Flashback maybe?”

“Stay put for now. Don’t try to navigate the crowds. I’ll meet you there once it clears out a bit. See if I can get security to move things along.”

“Did you hear him scream when Burr shot you?”

That was Alex? Shit! On most nights at least one person shouts out when that happens so it was barely registered. In retrospect, it did sound a little more anguished than normal.

 “You didn’t say you were going to die!” Alex wails, clinging tightly to Lin in a death grip.

“I’m sorry. It’s common knowledge that he dies in a duel. I thought you knew. Leslie even says he shoots me in the first song.”

“Shoots! Not kills!”

 Would give him a sedative if it wouldn’t make staying up any longer impossible.

 “Alex honey, you’re exhausted. Your emotions are all out of sorts right now. It was stupid of me to think seeing the show tonight would be a good idea.”

“No, I’m glad I saw it. It’s a masterpiece. You just need to change the ending.”

“Mijo, this isn’t just something I made up. You can’t rewrite the endings on a real person’s life and make it happy.”

“Then you need to play a different part where you don’t get shot.”

“It’s not real.”

“Doesn’t matter. I don’t want you getting shot at every night.”

 Too exhausted to hold back emotions that night Alex ends up telling him about the cousin who took him in and moved them to New York after the hurricane and shot himself in the head soon after. That’s how Alex ended up in the American foster care system and why he’s not at all a fan of guns.

 Alex is not satisfied until he gets to examine the prop gun and confirm that it can’t hold bullets that someone who dislikes Lin might sneak in. Even so, they have to get the props department to remove the trigger to reassure Alex he’s not really being shot at and make it so that if someone replaced a prop gun with a real one it would be obvious. Even after all that, it’s clear Alex doesn’t trust Leslie.

   It’s past midnight and Alex and Lin are holed up in a café getting desert.

“Alexander, I know you don’t like talking about these things, but do you think you could fill me in a little on what happened tonight? That was a pretty big reaction.”

“I don’t like guns,” Alex mutters, taking a sip of his herbal tea. Even though it doesn’t provide the caffeine fix he takes comfort from the ritual of drinking a hot beverage. It gives him courage.

“Can you tell me more?”

“My cousin Peter shot himself in the head while I was in the next room. There was a loud bang, I ran in and he was on the ground. There was so much blood.”

This is a huge breakthrough. Alex has never shared anything about his past with them. All they know is the bare facts: his father’s not in the picture, his mother died quite suddenly of “natural causes”, cousin who was given guardianship of him committed suicide and he’d suffered unimaginable abuse at the hands of his most recent foster family. The exact details of these occurrences are foggy and until now Alexander hasn’t been willing to share.

“Do you think tonight was a flashback to that?” Lin tries to keep his tone mild and calm.

“Yeah…probably…” he looks so defeated. “When I hear a gunshot it’s like I’m back in that room again. Usually, like when Lee and Phillip were shot, I can talk myself out of it, remind myself it’s not real and I’m being stupid. But…when there was a gunshot and then you were keeled over... It looked like there was blood everywhere. I don’t think there was though. There was nothing to clean up after.”

“No Alex, there was no blood on stage.”

“All in my head,” he breathes heavily. The absolute exhaustion just oozes out of him. It’s clear all his defenses are down and Alex doesn’t have the energy to resist questioning. Lin will have to tread lightly.

“Do you think you could tell me more about Peter, mijo? Did he treat you okay?” Lin asks gently.

“I liked Peter. He was kind to me.” Alex stares down at his plate, not making any eye contact, but he talks. “After my mother died the probate court ordered all her possessions be auctioned off and the funds given to my half-brother, her legitimate son. Peter went to the auction and bought back all her books to give to me. He didn’t have to do that, I never asked him to and he never had much money, but he did anyway.”

“He sounds like a good guy,” Lin comments, encouraging him to go on.

“Peter was never stable though. His emotions were all over the place. He’d get really down sometimes and be too depressed to get out of bed for weeks. I ended up having to lie about my age and get a job so we could afford food and rent because he never went to work and couldn’t keep a job. When he got like that I’d have to bring him food or he wouldn’t eat at all. I used to worry all the time that he was going to die in bed like Mom. Sometimes he wouldn’t eat what I gave him, so I would force him and he’d yell at me to leave him alone to die.”

“How old were you when this happened, Alexander?”

“Twelve. I was twelve when I moved in with Peter.”

Over a year then. Over a year with that horribly depressing home life.

“It wasn’t always like that though. Sometimes Peter was full of energy. He was a lot of fun. He never slept much when he was like that and would take me out on wild late night adventures, sort of like we are now.” Alex smiles fondly. It’s clear that despite everything, he cared a great deal for the man. “Peter would get all these wild moneymaking schemes that he’d obsess over, but usually he’d get sad again before anything came of it. Except with moving to New York, that was the one plan he actually did and his mood didn’t change until a week after we moved.” Alex’s breath hitches in his throat. Lin can already see where this is going. “I don’t know where he got the gun…I should have kept a closer eye on him. I should have known the crash was coming.” Alex blinks rapidly, trying to keep the tears from falling.

“Mijo, it wasn’t your fault. Not even a little. It sounds like Peter had severe bipolar disorder that was untreated. Do you know what that is?”

“I’ve heard of it,” Alex sniffs.

“You never should have been put in a situation to have to care for him like you did.  He shouldn’t have been made responsible for a child in that state. It wasn’t fair to you.”

“I loved him.” At this the tears start running freely that Alex tries to rub away, though it makes no difference. Lin can’t hold back anymore and gets up from his seat across from him to pull Alex into a hug.

“I know honey, and that makes it so much worse.”

“I must not have mattered that much to him if he could kill himself and not care what happened to me.”

“He had a mental illness Alex. His brain was sick and not functioning properly. I don’t think he was capable of thinking of anything but his own misery at that moment. But it sounds like he did care about you a good deal.”

“He bought me back the books.”

“That’s right mijo, he bought you back your mother’s books. That sounds like a man who cared. Who loved you as much as he was able.”

Lin wishes so badly that this was the end of his trauma. That Alex was brought to live with them right after his cousin’s suicide, because surely all of that had been enough horror to last a lifetime. It’s not the end though. It’s not even close. After all of that Alexander’s story gets so much worse.

[anitabyars]

“A Secret for a Secret was such a refreshing read. Kingston is all good and saintlike . . . until he's so not! A big recommendation from me”

-- Tijan New York Times Bestselling Author

A Secret for a Secret, an all-new not-to-be-missed sports romance guaranteed to bring all-the-feels by New York Times bestselling author Helena Hunting, is out now!

From New York Times bestselling author Helena Hunting comes a new romance about trading secrets, breaking the rules, and playing for keeps.

My name is Ryan Kingston, and I’m a rule follower. I’ve never been in a fistfight. I always obey the speed limit. I don’t get drunk, and I definitely don’t pick up random women at bars.

Except the night I found out that my whole existence has been a lie.

I got drunk. And picked up a stranger.

Her name was Queenie, and she was everything I’m not: reckless, impulsive, and chaotic. We did shots and traded secrets. And ended up naked at my place.

She left me a thank-you note in the morning and her panties as a parting gift. But no way to contact her.

Six weeks later I’m sitting in the first official team meeting of the season, and there she is. I neglected to mention that I’m the goalie for Seattle’s NHL team.

And Queenie? Turns out she’s the general manager’s daughter.

Download your copy today or read for FREE in Kindle Unlimited!

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Excerpt:

“You think our GM got himself an assistant?”

I follow his gaze to the front of the room. Standing at the desk with her back to us, arranging papers, is a woman with wavy chestnut hair that nearly reaches her waist. “Maybe an intern?”

She’s wearing a navy dress that conforms to her very feminine form. I trace the dip of her waist and the curve of her hip, skimming down to where the hem of her dress hits the bend in her knee. Her calves are bare, athletic, and toned, and her heels boast a little bow on the back. Classy, yet sexy. “Possibly.”

“I hope the eye candy is gonna be permanent,” someone at the table behind us says, loud enough for everyone close by to hear.

“I wouldn’t mind if she helped me with my jockstrap,” one of the other guys chimes in, eliciting a loud chuckle from the rest of the table.

I glance over my shoulder and pin them with an unimpressed glare. I recognize Foley from Tampa, and Dickerson is an LA trade. They’re notorious womanizers. “Watch your mouth and have some respect. That’s someone’s daughter.”

“Take it easy, King. It’s not like we’d actually say that to her face,” Foley says.

I don’t have an opportunity to reprimand him further because the GM, Jake Masterson, and our head coach, Alex Waters, enter the room through the side door. The GM crosses over to the woman, whose back is still turned to us, and he gives her a smile that seems . . . overly warm. He leans in and squeezes her shoulder as he says something with his mouth close to her ear.

“Maybe she’s not his assistant. Maybe she’s his new girlfriend, ’cause that looks pretty damn friendly to me.” Bishop jams a sausage link into his mouth.

“Maybe,” I agree.

She turns slightly, giving me a glimpse of her profile. Her cheeks are flushed pink. I blink a couple of times, because she seems incredibly familiar.

“I think I know her,” I mumble, more to myself than to Bishop.

“Not as well as our GM does, by the look of things.”

It hits me like a puck in the chest without pads on. I do know her. Queenie. My one-night stand who bailed the next morning and left a Post-it and panties hanging from my doorknob. Destroyed panties. “Oh God.”

Did I sleep with the GM’s girlfriend? Memories come barreling into my brain, and I want to sink into the floor. My behavior that night was highly atypical. Everything about that night was. I chalked it up to the alcohol, the family drama, and the fact that she seemed to be a very eager and willing participant in our adventures. Do not think about the things you did to her.

I’d be lying if I said I haven’t thought about Queenie and our night together. I’ve even considered driving by the bar where we met, but I don’t know if she’s likely to show up there. And it’s not as if I can ask the bartender about her without looking like a creep. Besides, if she wanted me to have her number, she would’ve left it.

“Are you okay? You look like you’re about to hurl,” Bishop asks.

I cover my mouth with my palm, not because I’m going to be ill but to hide the fact that it’s hanging open and I can’t seem to close it. Although my stomach is starting to do those awful somersaults that will soon turn into full-on nausea. The kind I used to get when I’d first hit the ice for a game.

This is bad. Really bad. I’ve never had a one-night stand before. I’ve always been in committed relationships, and I prefer to get to know my bed partners before they actually get into bed with me. Teen pregnancy was pretty common where I grew up in Tennessee, because there wasn’t much else to do apart from playing sports or getting into trouble with drugs and alcohol—my brother, Gerald, went the latter route. I obviously fit into the sports category. By the time I became a teenager, my parents had finally learned their lesson. It was drilled into me to never become that kind of statistic, or to turn my girlfriend into a mom before she was ready to take on more than senior-level algebra.

Ironic how my actual mother would’ve been one of those girls had my grandparents not made the choices they had.

“King?” Bishop nudges me. “You’re staring, man.”

Jake whistles with his fingers, causing the woman beside him to cringe but then quickly school her expression into an uncertain smile. “Who’s ready for a new season?”

He’s rewarded with a chorus of cheers from the players. Waters stands off to the side, clapping enthusiastically. He generally runs all team meetings, but Jake is a hands-on GM, so he always manages first meeting intros before he hands it over to our coach.

Jake waits for everyone to settle down and take their seats before he continues. “Gentlemen, I’d like to introduce you to my personal assistant, Queenie.” He throws his arm over her shoulder and pulls her into his side.

A hot spike of anger rushes down my spine—it’s a foreign feeling. I’m usually very level headed. But not right now. It’s obvious by the way Jake and Queenie interact that there’s a relationship there. Is she a cheater? Did she make me one? There’s a definite age gap. He’s young for a GM, but he’s in his forties, and I’m pretty sure she’s in her mid twenties.

“She also happens to be my daughter, so don’t get any ideas, boys.” He somehow manages to wink and glare at the same time.

And it just went from bad to worse.

My one-night stand isn’t my GM’s girlfriend; she’s his daughter.

About Helena Hunting

New York Times and USA Today bestselling author of PUCKED, Helena Hunting lives on the outskirts of Toronto with her incredibly tolerant family and two moderately intolerant cats. She's writes contemporary romance ranging from new adult angst to romantic sports comedy.

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My Review

5 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Wow! The dynamics of these two! This was everything I love in a read. The characters just took my heart on a amazing ride. I loved the chemistry between these characters and the storyline was just so touching I couldn’t put it down! The ending gave me tears and All The Feels! Another must read.

These opposites attract in all the right ways when a wild child falls for a milk drinking, door opening, extra-polite Boy Scout who unleashes a very dirty man when he takes his clothes off. And although the chemistry is sizzling between them, there is more than their heat that burns between them.

But will the secrets they are keeping, tear them apart or bind them forever? We have a new King and Queen in the romance world and you do not want to miss their story!

Received a complimentary copy in exchange for a honest review.

[nellie-elizabeth]

Supernatural: Patience (13x03)

Um... perfect? I loved everything about this episode honestly. I'm actually going to have a hard time thinking of things to complain about.

Cons:

Supernatural has a not so great habit of killing off female characters, so in some ways it was sad to see Missouri go. Obviously I wish that could have played out differently. But if I'm being brutally honest, it wasn't nearly as troubling as some of the other deaths we've had, because Missouri died like a bad ass, and she died in the service of protecting her family. Plus, this show didn't ever have to bring Missouri back into the picture, and the choice to include her just gave her one final time to shine, as well as introduced us to Patience, an interesting, complex, cool female character of color. So... yeah. I do wish they could have found a way to do this without killing Missouri, but in the scheme of things, I do understand.

One small complaint - during the climax fight of the episode, Patience, who is psychic, uses her powers to help Jody, Dean, and her father to fight and kill the wraith that has been targeting psychics. Great idea, but the execution was a little weak. At one point Patience just yells out "Dean!" as a warning, and that manages to help him get out of the way. I wanted more specifics, She tells her dad to move, she warns Jody "behind you!" but Dean's warning just didn't land. I know that sounds like the most nit-picky complaint ever, and... it is. But I noticed it, so I thought I'd say something.

Pros:

Okay, let's start with the Patience plot thread. Basically, a wraith is targeting psychics, Missouri thinks her granddaughter is in trouble, Dean and Jody go to help her out. Missouri is estranged from her son and granddaughter, because she inaccurately predicted that Patience's mom would recover from a serious illness. When she died, Missouri's son could never forgive her for giving him false hope. Now, Patience discovers the truth about her grandmother's powers, but unfortunately it's too late to salvage a relationship with her, as Missouri has already been killed by the wraith. With the help of Patience's newfound abilities, the gang manages to defeat the wraith. Patience gets conflicting advice from the two hunters who have just saved her - Dean tells her to live a normal life and not go into hunting, because it only brings pain and death. Jody, on the other hand, tells her about Claire, and says that she should do whatever it is she really wants to do, even if it's dangerous. She then gives Patience her number and lets her know that she has someone to talk to if she needs it.

Where to start? It was really fun to see Missouri again, despite the ultimate results. Call-backs to the early days of the show were pretty abundant in this episode, which I thought was a nice idea. I like that Missouri was an important figure in John Winchester's life, but she was never best buds with Sam and Dean or anything. Her death was obviously a tragedy, but the show didn't try to tell us that Dean had just lost another family member or anything. She's a distant acquaintance. I'm not trying to sound callous - what I mean is that Missouri was positioned as someone who hasn't been in touch with the Winchesters in a decade, not as someone who just happens to not have been mentioned forever, but that is supposed to be of the utmost importance to the guys. Does that make sense? They played her role out very well.

I love Jody so much, and seeing her always brings me joy. She was a good partner for Dean as they hunted the wraith, but her most important contribution was her little speech to Patience at the end. This gives me so much hope for the spin-off, Supernatural: Wayward Sisters. See, unlike the previous attempted spin-off, this one is about characters we already care about, and we're taking time to plant the seeds in the story proper. They're getting a backdoor pilot, but here we already get a strong introduction to one of the characters, Patience, and we get to see the beginning of a relationship between her and Jody. This shows that the network and show-runners are taking the idea of this show seriously, and putting in real time and attention to making it something special.

Turning to Patience for a moment - she's such a great character! Obviously we didn't have a ton of time to get to know her or anything, but she's smart, strong, and brave, and she straddles this perfect line between being new to the world of the supernatural, without being a totally blank slate. She has family history with the world of monsters and psychics and all of that, but she'll still add a fresh perspective to Wayward Sisters next to the more seasoned experiences of Alex and Claire.

The fight with the wraith was actually super cool. I totally didn't see the psychic vision thing coming, even though I probably should have. The wraith started kicking ass, killing Patience's father, stabbing Jody, and knocking Dean down. I really thought this was all happening. Of course, I didn't think that Jody or Dean were dead, or anything, but I thought they were down for the count and Patience was going to have to find another way to escape and rescue them. The truth was so much cooler, as we snap back to the present and see the fight play out from the beginning once more, only this time Patience is able to give help to the combatants, which ultimately leads to the death of the wraith. Such a cool idea! I hope that Patience gets to do things like that for her foster sisters in the spin-off show. Honestly I'm so excited for this darn show... I wasn't sure I would be, but it looks like it might be really good!!

As strong as the main plot was, the stuff with Jack and Sam was equally compelling. Dean goes off to help Missouri and Jody on the case, but Sam stays behind to try and help Jack. He wants to train him to control his powers, but Jack is having problems even doing simple tasks like moving a pencil with his mind. Sam wonders why Jack is having difficulties, but Jack believes he has the answer: he's evil. That's why he's able to do magic that hurts people, but he can't do this one simple thing that Sam has asked him to do. He also tells Sam about the conversation he had with Dean, which is really upsetting to Sam.

Jack and Sam having this special bond is honestly everything I hoped would come out of this relationship. Sam says the thing that meta writers have been discussing all hiatus - he says that he wants to help Jack because he knows what it feels like to be afraid of what you are, to feel like you don't belong. Dean and Cas helped him through that (debatable, honestly, but that's a conversation for another day), and now Sam wants to help Jack through it too. Jack really is just a scared, impressionable kid. Sam sees that whatever powerful magic he's capable of, it doesn't make him inherently a bad person. He sees that because he knows the kinds of things he was once capable of, and he's come out the other side of that. I want more of this relationship dynamic! The kid playing Jack is doing such a fantastic job.

And then you've got the Dean stuff. He starts the episode being snippy at Sam for wanting to help Jack, but he leaves without much greater protest. And then Dean comes home, and Sam says that Jack is messed up because of what Dean said to him, and things get... intense. Dean accuses Sam of not really caring about Jack, but just wanting to use him to achieve the totally unrealistic goal of getting Mary back from the alternate universe. He calls Jack a "freak" and says he was just being honest with Jack when he told him he'd be the one to kill him. Sam then makes the comparison between himself and Jack, saying that Dean could have put a bullet in his own brother, but he didn't. Instead, he saved Sam. And now Jack deserves the same chance. Dean says that Sam deserved to be saved, but that Jack does not. He says he can't even look at Jack, because all he sees is what they've lost. Sam points out that Mary took a shot at Lucifer of her own free will, and that it's not Jack's fault, and then Dean says "what about Cas?" He says that Jack tricked Cas into thinking there would be paradise on earth, and Cas is dead because of Jack's deception.

Just... where to even start? Again, we have the delicious comparison between Sam and Jack. Sam relates to Jack because of all of the people who have been hurt because of Sam's powers. Obviously it's not Sam's fault that his mother died when he was six months old. It's not his fault that he lost Jess, or that any of his other friends died. But his powers were a big part of the drama of their lives, and if Dean can blame Jack for Cas and Mary, then by that logic, Sam is responsible for a lot of carnage as well. Of course Dean thinks it's different - he'd do anything in the world for Sam, he'd break all of his own rules, he'd be a total hypocrite - we've seen it happen again and again. Jack, on the other hand, is a symbol for Dean of Cas' loss.

Dean blowing up at Sam because of Cas is just everything to me. It's never exactly fun to see the Winchesters at odds, but it adds a lot of interest to the show. I like that we understand the foundation we're resting on at this point. Sam and Dean disagree vehemently about Jack, but they would never leave each other or give up on each other either. Dean is retreating into his typical grieving pattern - he's getting angry, he's closing off, he's in pure kill-the-bad-thing mode. Sam, as is typical for him, tries to fix everything. He becomes over-accommodating and gentle and tries to make everybody happy. But in this final moment, we see Sam get angry. We see him point out Dean's hypocrisy, and dig his heals in a bit. That's wonderful. It proves that we're not just moving in circles. This conversation was everything I wanted it to be. Of course, the evidence that Dean's grief is mostly about losing Cas was kind of wonderful to hear. I know they're just baiting me, but unfortunately it's working.

The tragedy of course is that Jack hears all of this talk about how he's a freak and doesn't deserve to be saved. He also hears Dean talk about Cas. We see Jack say "Castiel" and his eyes flash gold. And then we see Cas wake up in utter blackness, clearly lost and confused. He's back!!!

That review got a little out of hand, but I had a lot to say! This was as close to a perfect episode of Supernatural as I've seen. It managed to make me even more excited about the spin-off, and more excited about the Jack story-line for the season. I'm pretty pleased.

9.5/10

[eleanoroliphant]

shuurima said: i read the book when i was younger and again recently, and just finished the show, and personally i have always read leaving the tapes as a very vindictive, revenge/blame plot- even when i first read the book back in middle school. of course this is just my opinion! but i would see it more as an explanation if the content of the tapes had been more than just…. literally a laundry list of every “slight” that was made against her- some of which are WAY more important and valid than others, imo!

anneof1000days said: I’ve only read the book and to be honest I don’t know why she did it except that maybe she was trying to get back at them. I don’t remember anyone shooting themselves in the book either… and I just read it in January so I think I’d remember. That’s an interesting change to make to the story

iamsuccessiamclass said: She wanted desperately to be heard. She wanted the people who she blamed for fucking up her life to know it and to feel personally responsible. It didn’t help anyone. It never helps anyone to know why a person ends their life. If anything, it just causes more pain. I don’t think she cared if it did to them. Maybe she even wanted them to feel her pain. Suicide is selfish in so many aspects, and these tapes were a part of that.

josepha9898 said: The point in that is that not one character ont the show, even the suicide victim, is perfect- just like in real life. Because Hannah made these tapes, we get to see how actions (or no actions at all) can effect someone’s life. The tapes are supposed to show who the people are that affected Hannah’s choice to take her life and even tho Clay is innocent in a way, he is one of Hannah’s reasons because she thought she was not good enough for him- or anyone anymore. So make

josepha9898 said: * So it makes sense that he is on his list - of course we do not have to agree with Hannah, because we see the whole picture and she could not. She did not know how Clay felt for her, because he never said anything. josepha9898 said: * on her list

josepha9898 said: If she did not make the tapes, nobody would have known, what they did wrong. And that Alex shot himself in the end is an example of coping with one’s failures (not a good one), because again, nobody on this show is perfect, they are human as we are and portayed in that way- with unhealthy coping methods and everything else.

stardust-and-fairylights said: She was a severely messed up and hurting and mentally ill teenager, she had a ton of intense feelings and she wanted to be heard. And probably wanted some revenge or fuck you too. She killed herself… she certainly didnt have any insight to the others’ lives or foresight that hey the tapes might really fuck them up. Alex killing himself I think was an inevitable consequence of the tapes. It was a pretty horrible decision the way the tapes were made given etc.

life15juicy said: It was their fault. They all played a part in her death. They should see their actions for exactly what they were and feel awful about it. First of all, there were so many lies and rumours spread about her that she wanted the truth out and she deserved it. Second, the entire point of the book/movie was that people who do horrible things need to understand that these things have consequences. The result of everything they did was a girls death. If people took accountability for their actions and life15juicy said: others didn’t pat them on the back and say you did nothing wrong uwu maybe things like this wouldn’t happen so much. The one who suffered the most was Hannah. The others need to look at themselves and choose to do better and possibly redeem themselves (minus Bryce he can actually die) Hannah doesn’t have that chance. The others may be hurt but they are alive (except for Alex). I think they made out pretty well. Our society hates telling the truth and that’s why trrrible things keep happening

thank you everyone who took the time to answer to this post. it’s fascinating how our explanation can sometime differ from someone else’s and it’s good that the show spoke to so many people. i didn’t find it perfect, but i do believe it’s a must-watch for young people in particular.

after some thinking and after reading you guys i concluded that i’ll settle for the revenge/blame plot. hannah was very lucid the whole time and left no peaceful words, so it has to be it after all. like many of you said, she herself was far for perfect and suicide does have a selfish element to it, however painful and terrible the decision might be. she probably wanted them all to feel their share of guilt, no matter how big or small, especially since she was a sensitive, vulnerable person who felt deeply hurt even by the tiniest things. no one could get a free pass and she made sure they wouldn’t.

what i can’t personally condone is the idea that these people (minus bryce and few, few others, but bryce must be the one irredeemable person of all 13) somewhat deserved to have a finger pointed against. we all can be self absorbed and make mistakes but luckily our behaviour rarely ends with someone else’s suicide. these kids didn’t know what was going on in hannah’s head and never could, but hannah didn’t know what was going on in their lives either (well she did in jessica’s case but that didn’t stop her). ultimately her killing herself served as a catalyst to everyone beginning to change their attitude, act differently, be honest and take care of others. it’s a beautiful thing born to an awful one and i hope that’s the message 13rw gives as opposed to “suicide is romantic and beautiful”.  

re alex: in the post-show interviews they say they decided to have that conclusion for one of the kids because suicidal people often knew someone who committed suicide, so they wanted to show that kind of reaction as well as others. i think it’s possibly the saddest outcome of all especially if you think it’s kind of a consequence of hannah’s behaviour just like she claimed her own gesture was a consequence of his and now two teen agers are dead. part of me thinks hannah would come back if she could, talk to clay, try to fix things with alex, but again you don’t ever come back from suicide and that’s part of the message as well.