creatingnikki - Tumblr blog

[creatingnikki]

Dear twenty-seven year old me,

You have your work cut out for you, let me just say that right away. I am sorry but this is all I could do. I, the twenty-six-year-old, who had to abandon the home she was happy and struggling to build. And the ones before me, the twenty-five, twenty-four, twenty-three, twenty-two, twenty-one, and twenty-year-old selves too — I won't say we did the best we could but I will say that we tried.

Of course, now, with five days left before I turn 27, I finally know that sometimes trying is not enough. For things that absolutely matter to you, for things you absolutely want, trying is not enough. And so you, you have to do better than try.

Too much pressure? But you only have to try for yourself. You don't have to try for the world or anybody in it. You don't have to try to be kinder, sweeter, politer, or more useful. Friends, lovers, corporations, ideologies will always demand more and more and more from you. And for them I tried and tried and tried. All of your twenty-something selves until now did. Your teen selves too.

Also, just because you are a good person, it does not mean that the world will treat you better. One of the hardest truths to accept and understand. Of course, you were never good because you thought there would be such a reward but you always just assumed that it would only be natural for life to be just and fair in these ways. Now I know it's not.

Please, remember, you do not have to be quiet and take it all lying down. You can still speak your mind and respectfully put people back in their place instead of letting them walk all over you. You are no Gandhi. You should only show your other cheek to someone when they have kissed one cheek and now you want them to kiss the other. Not to slap you again.

When you are tired, when you are upset and demotivated, please, take rest. Pause but do not quit or abandon. You know, our abandonment issues may just have something to do with the fact that we have quite easily abandoned our values, goals, and dreams at different stages of life.

Either because we wanted to accommodate another person or because of the hurdles that showed up. Or because it was us who did not believe that our goals and values and dreams were worthy of being faithful to, worthy of being met, worthy of being celebrated.

But dear twenty-seven-year-old me, listen to me. You are worthy. And I know you like proof and reason and not empty flattery or words of affirmation. And I could list a thousand reasons and this isn't even a hyperbole — I really could. However, all you need to know to believe that is that you have lived a life that is gracious and graceful. God loving, not god fearing. Fear has never motivated you in any walk of life. You are someone that if you were to come across you would not only really like but gosh you would be in utter awe and really respect.

Above any reason I could give you, however, is this — you have to support yourself, no matter who you are and how you decide to live your life, you have to support yourself.

Okay, now that all of this important stuff is out of the way I just want to say, while you work hard at what is important, have fun (as much as is possible and in ways that is safe) and keep writing. For dreams that do not seem possible right now, put them on hold but do not abandon them or shoot them in the head. For dreams that are possible now, don't overthink.

Balance, breathe, and go back to basics. That is all you have to remember when it all gets too much. I love you, your mother loves you, and there are a handful more on that list. If all else pales in face of pain, go to them. In joy and abundance too, go to them. In the mundanity of life too, be by them whenever possible.

All my love, now and forever, 26-year-old you.

[creatingnikki]

Hey! What do you mean by letters that chatgpt writes for you? How do you get it to do that?

Haha, well you just enter in a prompt asking it to write you a letter and be as specific as you can be as to what you want it to write to you and how.

For instance I once asked gpt to write me a birthday letter as though it were Vincent Van Gogh. I told it what I was feeling on my birthday and what I wanted to hear — supportive words from an artist to an artist feeling existential and blue.

Like with anything else, ChatGPT works the best when you give it detailed prompts.

[creatingnikki]

We've truly never interacted but you seem like an absolutely lovely human and you are a beautiful writer.

On both counts, this means a lot 🥺

Thank you xx

[creatingnikki]

such a beautiful writer, who knows how to use wierd to impact the reader.

Haha, that’s so sweet. Thank you 💖

[creatingnikki]

send your opinion of me on anon

[creatingnikki]

now there are songs on my playlist that take me back to your bedroom instantly. it feels like a scene from a movie with a montage song, when the couple is finally together and sharing cute intimate moments. this is post the talking stage, this is the cringe cute stage. can't get enough of each other, experiencing each other for the very first time. your hands on my face, my legs around you. kisses planted on the forehead, switching positions, laughing. jokes about — wow, have you paid attention to the lyrics ever? that's like a situationship playlist. laughing, looking at each other knowing that this thing that we have is anything but a situationship scene.

shall I change the playlist?

no, come here.

what do I do now? what do I do with these songs? what do I do with these memories of you? I'm not one to mind cherishing memories of people no longer in my life — in fact, I do it very well. I keep them in mint condition for decades with no intention of selling them at any point. but our memories? it's one of the first times I am having trouble cherishing such sweet moments.

I know you wish me ill. that too is new for me. what did I ever do so wrong to you other than be myself and not melt and mold my existence into the me you wanted to love and keep?

no matter how much you hate me, I wish you well. no matter, I'll continue being me.

[creatingnikki]

at lunch today I cut my finger. I don't exactly know how but it was when I was talking about you — did my body have to manifest my pain in flesh and blood?

I noticed some of the blood was smeared on my other finger but I ignored it and proceeded to lick the melted chocolate right next to it from the muffin I was devouring.

did I ignore your red flags like that? was I okay with you devouring me?

fuck no.

on both counts.

there's a reason why it was only a little cut — out of the blue, yes, but only little. unlike your ego. like something else. like many things else.

there's blood so you think you've hurt me. too bad you didn't get to know me at all to know that I'd lick that much blood as a condiment without blinking an eye.

[creatingnikki]

words are cheap, it's the actions that show heaps about the person you are vs the person you pretend to be.

time is not my enemy, even though it may be yours. karma is not something I'm afraid of, so curse me all you want.

you are a man child who doesn't see he needs to heal, I'm a grown ass woman so I'll not take up this unnecessary task despite all your masks.

bye now, bye forever. this is the only poem I'll ever write about you; too bad you're not even worth my tears — a nobody, unworthy of even my fears.

[creatingnikki]

notes to self: validation no one else can provide during an ugly break up edition

You are no oracle. There is no way you could have guessed the kind of person he was. You wanted to give him a fair chance and not see him through the lens of your past hurtful experiences or people who had hurt, wronged, and betrayed you. And you did exactly that.

The moment it was clear to you that he is not right for you, you decided to call it off and respectfully communicated that to him. So, you cannot hate yourself for not knowing any better or ignoring the red flags, because you didn't. You took a few days to assess them and then once you were clear on what colour they were for you, you decided to say goodbye.

Do not blame yourself for the shitty person he ended up revealing himself to be and the vicious things he chose to say. How could have you known? You are not walking this earth being so very sus of everyone, assuming everyone is an ass hole until otherwise proven despite everything you have been through. That's brave, that's soft, that's precious. Do not blame yourself.

You are no emotional fool who does not know how to protect your heart. Maybe when you were younger but definitely not now. The very fact that you chose to call things off as early as you did is proof enough. Please don't hate yourself or think that you are stupid.

Yes, words are your weakness. You fall in love with words. How can you not, my dear writer. You have the heart of a poet. You mean everything you say. You are impressed by smart word plays and fall for things that sound sincere. Sure, now at 27, you know others are not like you. You know that people just say things they don't mean as a means to an end. But what can you do? You are impressed, amused, and smitten by words. What can you do about that other than wait and see if their actions back those words up? And time, my dear child, is the only way to do that.

And I know you know that. And I know you kept reminding yourself and him of that. But next time? Make it easier for yourself and don't try to explain these things to the other person. They do not need to know how your mind works or what your pain points are. You need to let them be who they are, communicate the way they communicate, act the way they act and then decide if that's something that's attractive to you, something that feels good and safe and true. Communication is key but that does not have to mean that the two of you give each other a user manual to each other. It doesn't work that way; it should not.

Wanting to be comforted by your friends and kind words in a moment like this is not something to feel ashamed about. Everyone needs reassurance, everyone needs validation even though objectively we all know things already. Yes, you know that you are not the things he called you in a fit of anger. And? And it's completely natural to still want those who know you to spell that very fact that for you.

Where does all this shame and guilt come from? It's fine, you don't need to answer that now. Don't worry about any of that. Just remember, there was nothing differently you could have done here. This was not your fault. There is no need to give your inner critic the spotlight and let her go on an angsty monologue for days at an end. You simply came across a shitty human. There's no need to internalize that even if it seems to be a pattern.

[creatingnikki]

it's March again and this time I'm smoking cigarettes in my home by my own. remember when I forbade you to do so last year whenever you came over? how can one change so drastically in less than 365 days? change so drastically and yet not change at all. smoking too, after all, is just another way to feel something.

poetry and men and flowers and pain — I'm becoming numb to it all increasingly.

it's March again and this time I'm letting myself be. how much shame and guilt can I attach to my gut feelings and instinct? when the only reason they exist is to protect me. if I had to pick between hurting you or hurting me, why shouldn't I pick you? we are all adults here and you've never once chosen me. so go on then, manage your pain and anger and betrayal by yourself.

fuck you, fuck off, fuck this, fuck me. nothing pretty is going to come out of this mouth — pleasing you is not my charitable endeavor anymore.

it's March again and you're leaving my heart soon, I can feel it. the memories of you and me are all packed up and I don't know what their destination is but they are going to walk out the door of my heart soon. they may rest a while in my ribs and perhaps on my hips, I'll let them.

when someone or something leaves, I'm not in the habit of rushing them. I'll stay true to my nature, it's the only thing that feels rewarding.

it's March again and I'll look forward to the mangoes and the sandy feet and the intensification of my love-hate relationship with the sun. let me seek refuge in the ocean — whether it chooses to embrace me or drown me, I'll leave that to mother nature.

[creatingnikki]

3 am and you're sitting on the kitchen floor and you keep your phone aside and everything is silent and you realize that this is the first time in a week that you've had silence alone. Have you missed it or have you been avoiding it? A bit of both, always a bit of both. It's been a while since you made spaghetti and it's March already — the moon has missed you (and other lies to hide your irrelevancy). twenty seven is old enough to not repeat a mistake for the third time and yet young enough to say fuck it and do it anyway. there's not much I know now, there's not much I want to know. I just want to be on the beach when the days are gorgeous and eat food without my body hating me and read books that speak to parts of me that can't articulate for themselves. I just want to hug my friend and make my mother smile and write a few lines that will be understood by someone somewhere. It's still these very things. It's always been these very things. Even at 27 when I'm sitting alone on the kitchen floor at 3 am. Especially then.

[creatingnikki]

In a world where everyone seems to have concluded that everything is pointless and nothing means anything, why do you live in a way that is a revolution screaming EVERYTHING MATTERS EVERYTHING MATTERS EVERYONE MATTERS EVERYTHING MEANS SOMETHING.

You only come across as a stubborn child who refuses to accept reality the way it is. But you know that already, don't you? And you don't care. Because you care for those who don't have many.

Cool nights, lonely boys, scared kittens, girls who cannot cry. Fathers who never learned to receive love, empty homes that will only ever house dust.

You have loved those who are not whole lovers, and accepted those who won't ever stop relapsing. You have danced through burning fields to stare at the harvest moon for three seconds before swallowing poison weed offered by trespassers.

Who are you? Why do you exist? Why must you exist like this? And if you continue without pivoting, who, if anyone at all, will perform your last rites? And no, don't tell me that the universe will do so willingly through golden sunsets and meteor showers.

Nobody knows your heart, nobody knows your sacrifices. Nobody cares, nothing at all matters. And then you die. On an unimpressive March afternoon. As babies continue to cry and men continue to kill and poets continue to charmingly lie.

[creatingnikki]

Things I want to tell women as a woman

I struggled for a long time to consider myself as a woman and not a girl because we just call each other girls despite our age. As if being a woman is old and sad? But boys can’t wait to become men. Or you have to shoulder great responsibility like marriage and children to qualify? I don’t know what it is that signifies that transition from girl to woman but I think it’s important to see that as a beautiful and powerful and desirable change.

You don’t need to be sweet and selfless and pretty and kind and nurturing at all times. I mean at the base of it yes because all humans being should be. But like society and media has always made us think that that is the desirable girl. Lol desirable woman. The good woman. Watch Yi Seo in Itaewon Class. Ko Moon Young in It’s Okay To Not Be Okay. Byun Hye Young in My Father’s Strange. Learn from them. How to stand your ground. How to not let society place you in a helpless position. How to fight back. How to be rude and fierce when it is to protect yourself or those you care about and not feel one bit guilty.

Money is the way people control you. Have your own money. Save it. Figure out investing at some stage. Don’t rely on your parents, partner, brother, whoever to do that for you. You don’t need to be good at math or business. It’s not about that at all. It’s about knowing your value, making sure you’re reaping the benefits at work and ensuring that you aren’t just spending all your money on stupid shit and making unnecessary decisions. You will learn only by making mistakes. God knows I still am. But money will always mean power. And as a woman you need a lot of that in this world.

Surround yourself with women who have found a way to be who they are. How will you know who they are? They just have that aura. You can’t miss it. No, they don’t always wear a power suit and hustle. And no, they don’t always write self help books. They are women in your life. They do whatever they do because it’s their decision and that’s why they always look so content and joyous. I get that sometimes you don’t have that choice. Like irl I really am not able to meet such women. So then I turn to writers and my mom and her friends and the vice president at my company and artists. I don’t have to be BFFs with any of them. I just have to observe them and take in the good and learn. Reach out when I need to. And stumble and stumble and stumble.

Don’t ever give up your life for a man. That’s literally the worst thing you can do as a woman. That’s a quote from the kdrama The Package that I can never get out of my head.

Emotional stability is critical. People will play you and they will be shameless and they will do it all again. You cannot seek validation or your worth from their actions and words. You cannot rely on them. It would be nice to but you can’t. Even if you lose everything else, don’t lose your emotional stability and the belief in yourself.

[creatingnikki]

Pause.

When you're listening to a voice note from a friend talking about how their mental health has been lately, pause. Pause if you don't have the headspace or energy to be compassionate. Come back later.

When your leg has a muscle pull and you can't meet your daily step goal, pause. Instead of feeling like you can't get fitter and go down the negative self talk path, pause. Rest. Come back later.

When you are scrolling on social media and you start to compare, pause. You don't need to feel shitty about everything you aren't doing because your time and energy is limited and there are choices to be made. Keep your phone away. Focus on the choices you've made. Come back later (or don't).

When you are eating a dish you really like and you want to take a second serving, pause. Check in with your body, keep aside the cravings of your mind. Pause, if you are feeling full. Come back later to have the leftovers the next day or next meal.

When you are in the middle of an argument or difficult conversation with your friend, pause. Pause if both of you have said what you wanted to and now there is silence and it feels like you don't know where to go from here. Pause, because there's nothing else you can do right now but sleep on it. Speak the next day, you still love them. Come back to that conversation when there is more to add. But for now pause instead of saying things that are unnecessary.

When life feels like too much, leave everything. Go and lie down on thr cool marble floor with your hands and legs spread out. Take off your glasses, turn off the lights, draw the curtains. Close your eyes. Pause. You will know when to get back up and resume.

[creatingnikki]

If a tiny cat asked you out to be girlfriends in perfect english how would you kindly reject it?

Who says I would reject it? :)

[creatingnikki]

forgiveness was easy to ask of me. everything was easy to ask of me. all you had to do was write a candid letter at 2 am and mail it to me telling me why you did what you did and how sorry you were. I would wake up to it and read it and cry and call you right away.

all I ever wanted from you was the truth. be who you are and let me know who that is so that I can love you more. and if you wanted space? and if you wanted shelter? I'd give you that too. I'd give you whatever you'd ask of me.

but that was the me who was.

now?

I don't care. I don't care. I don't care.

[creatingnikki]

things I really like

breakfast buffets at hotels

nights I can see the moon from my window

spaghetti (in all sauces)

dreams that make no sense but are not scary either

book haul videos from my friend curated especially for me

chatGPT and the letters it writes to me

reading books on my laptop and other things that take me back to the 2010s

oranges oranges oranges

poems that involve food items

short stories that satisfy and don't have a super vague open-ended ending

the pearl ring I bought with my own money

when people know their big 3 placements in the astro chart

my sister in her pastel clothes

lighting candles after a long time and remembering how much I like their scent

romance books that are no trashy or smutty but more slice of life and literary fiction

befriending patience (trying)

dreamcatcher windchimes