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#ill be the support system for you that i never had simply because im older
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on the verge of tears thinking about edyn tidestrider btw if you even care
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scarsmood · 3 years
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Mental Health and Otherkinity
This is my panel I did today! enjoy! it’s the script
             My name is scar im apart of a system of 4, I am mightyenakin from pokemon. Trans ftm and very queer. We have a lot to go over so lets jump in.
             Today I want to talk about my experience with being psychological kin. Talk about how this has shaped me as a person. How the community handles psychological kin as well as the greater outside world. So lets get into it. Otherkinity has been in my life ever since I can remember. From the age of 3 I can remember feeling non human and having alters that were also non human. I’ve also found for my life and my experience my mental health and my otherkinity are two things that have wound themselves together. I can never look at one without the other are both play a critical role in my identity.
               I can say as psychological otherkin right now I stand at an interesting intersection of my life where I have the most freedom I have ever had and dealing with the worst trauma I’ve had to face. I recently got out of a bad long term relationship of something I had been in for 7 years. I can say the events I’ve lived did and still do directly impact my identity and change how I see myself.
 for me I cannot explore my otherkinity without exploring my trauma and mental health
these two parts of myself are closely woven together. DID is a product of trauma and it’s something that rules over my life daily.
It is something I don’t just accommodate it is a way of life for me.
For the past 3 years I’ve been in intensive therapy going at least once every two weeks. At one point going twice a week, completed an inpatient and outpatient program. Needless to say I have been fortunate enough to not be in a lot of debt. However I would like to think that these things have helped me immensely.  With the background talk out of the way lets get into how these things have shaped my identity.
 A little bit about me. I am diagnosed with DID or dissociative identity disorder. This means my identity is split apart between alters or alternate personalities. If your unfamiliar with plurality I can say with confidence that can be its own talk but heres what you need to know.
•            My alters are distinct each having their own morals, ideals, life perspective, lived experiences and memories separate from my own.
•            We all share one body like roommates share an apartment space
•            My alters are a result of trauma I experienced during my life. Each of us hold our share of trauma so imaging trauma is sandbags instead of 1 person holding 100 pounds of sand we have given 25 pounds of sand to 4 alters. Which is much more manageable.
•            My alters including me were shaped from the environment they came from
·       Alters also share an inner world where they can interact with one another. This also a place where I can easily my identity and how I view myself internally.
 Some others fun things about me is I have some mild psychotic symptoms. Since I’m in my early 20’s they’re pretty manageable at the moment I am always keeping an eye out for them worsening though. These things include hallucinations visual, auditory, touch, smell, taste. I also have a weird mix of beliefs that can mix into delusion territory but aren’t damaging to my life and therefore cant really place a good label on them. So I consider them delusional like but not the same experience as a true delusion I believe I could very much be wrong.
my first identity shift was when I was a child about 3 years old was the first time me as an alter became prominently separate from our host. It was apparently at that time I was non human and a hyena. I looked like a hyena from lion king roughly no character in particular and acted as a companion/ friend.
When I got a bit older at 4-5 my identity shifted once I moved and left behind some family. I changed from a hyena to a pokemon. If I could guess I would say due to a pokemons inherent loyalty. My identity became a mightyena a wolfish hyena basically and the codependency that pokemon carry also carried over.
I was depended on to be support for our host and to take care of them as a friend and caretaker. We experienced neglect at the time and this was reflected with my identity. I was a creature that was supposed to stay with someone forever basically giving a comfort we were missing to our host so they could continue functioning. I would say my identity changes based on my environment and is sensitive to my environment all the time
depending on what I experience I see myself change and adapt because of how sensitive we are as a system trying to adapt in the world around us. I often think if my identity isn’t shifting a little it might be a sign of trouble and us shutting down being unable to adapt and change.
 When I was 5-6 it changed to its own species a threatening wolf. Which it stayed until a few months ago. My identity as a threatening wolf changed a lot I had spikes then got a sword tail then was able to breathe fire, my size would shift and change, my tail length and ability to move it would change. Teeth, eye color,  would all change depending on my environment. For example when I was deep in abuse with my ex I gained the ability to breathe fire suddenly as a needed adaption to scare them away. My eyes turned red to look scarier. I got bigger. This all happened internally as my ex was able to interact within our system in our inner world. Which is a terrible idea by the way don’t be an idiot like me. Which was why I needed to look scarier as a way of protection
 Lately I have been healing from trauma and now that my ex is gone so is a lot of pressure to defend myself so I turned back into a mightyena which is much more defenseless but much truer to how I see myself in a safe space. Im sure if trauma happened again I would shift back to a threatening wolf as a means for protection.  When it comes to plurality labels I fall under protector and host we are pretty integrated though so we have grown out of most typical labels due to how functional each of us are now.
 This concept of a changing identity is taboo in otherkin communities
              usually we are lead to believe when we were kids we have always been one strict animal for our whole lives and just now learning about it. this animal never changes it is static unchanging and we simply learn about it as we grow up. My experience has been wholly different. My animal and my identity changes based on my environment it can be subtle or drastic. I never evoke or ask for the changes they simply happen and I have to adapt to the new way I see myself. Trying to apply my identity to the common otherkin rhetoric gave me a lot of grief as a teenager
when I was about 13 because I would discover something about myself say breathing fire or growing in size and be ashamed because I knew these changes were not “typical”
as an aside I think this notion that my experience is atypical is also false. I think this is fairly common but a lot of otherkin just handle it in a way that flows with the static concept where we learn we have a new kin type but still also have the old one, we learn something about our kin type that totally shifts it but connect it back to our old kin type, we find new features, personality traits or experiences that now define our kintype that were never there before and newly discovered
               Otherkinity is about self discovery and how it’s essentially chasing a dragon. Literally. We will never fully know our internal identity no matter how closely we look into it. there is so much that we learn and how to weave into our identity otherkintiy is as much of an art as it is a science when it comes to self reflection. It’s just like any other aspect of ourselves we can create labels for our sexuality and they work but they don’t capture 100% of what you experience theyre a short hand for others. I find that otherkinity is this concept on steroids. I find my identity to be a much larger part as it impacts everything including my sexuality it is more prominent for me so trying to put it under labels becomes increasingly difficult.
How are we supposed to create a short hand for who we are? All of those moving pieces inside of us that shape our perspective, experiences, how we interact with people, how we love people, how we go through day to day life, and we are supposed to just say something like “bear therian” what if it changes? What if we have quirks that our outside of this label? When I first joined the otherkin community it was pretty frowned upon to change your identity. You had to be a wolf therian, you had to be a dragonkin. Once you picked a label that was it. your locking into your identity if you didn’t you weren’t taken seriously.
Ableism in the otherkin community
I question as well if this correlation between identity stability and maturity/credibility is ableism. Usually I noticed when I first join the therian and otherkin community there was a push for “not looking crazy” so as to not get bullied further for identities. I’m sure anyone in the LGBT community knows trying to please people making fun of you really doesn’t work. There is a prominent fear of seeming to outsiders as if were roleplaying or kinning for fun which seems to be a whole other topic in and of itself. My personal experience has lead me to the conclusion that these people are going to come at you regardless of how often you shift your identity, how seriously or goofy you take it, how analytical you are with your identity whether you write essays or one sentence it does not change the views of outsiders.
Endels, clinical lycanthropes, and other nonhumans who have mental illness-based identities face a similar ableism. It wasn’t until earlier this year, 2021, when the connection between mental illness and nonhumanity was finally accepted by the greater community. But even still, Endelic communities are more often treated as a novelty; not something to be taken seriously as an identity, just something “interesting.” Mental illness, especially psychotic disorders, aren’t pretty or tame, and the greater nonhuman community appears to subtly enforce this stigma. Werewolves are monsters, and the greater community spares no feelings in reminding us of this, with such unwelcome words my friend babydog’s met as and I paraphrase a quote here from my friend baby dog “you’re welcome here, but you should expect people to uncomfortable about your identity as an endel or question your endelity. I dont personally believe people like you should be part of alterhuman communities.” End quote Many of those who are part of the greater alterhuman community are still concerned about respectability politics, how we appear to outsiders, rather than being concerned about how inner-community members are finding their welcome. Arguments like “But, clinical lycanthropy was previously used as ammunition against all Otherkin! We’re playing into anti-kin’s stereotypes!” isn’t an excuse anymore, because throwing your own community under the bus isn’t acceptable anymore. We want a higher standard in this community than being driven by shame that makes us hide members of our own community. It’s much better to stand with them.
               Lets also take a moment to acknowledge these actions stemmed from an act of seeming more credible and not “crazy”. I’d like to say also that the stereotype of crazy doesn’t exist when we think of crazy we think of someone whose mentally Ill and struggling to function.  In reality these people have an untreated mental illness or going through an episode that’s only one aspect of a person. They do other things with their life including myself. I write poems and go out with friends but if someone only judged me at my worst and lowest I would fit into this “crazy” stereotype. Its not fair for us to judge people based on actions they cant control. Based on trauma or brain chemistry people are more than that I think can agree.
we should be understanding with these people treating them as whole people not just one descriptor. crazy is really just a derogatory name for someone with a mental illness. So to avoid being crazy means to avoid any signs of neurodiversity people view as abnormal. Or signs of nonconformity with nuerotypicals
 -endels still face ableism typically in the form of being treated like a novelty and not really being taken seriously. Endels are still getting called interesting a lot) and it makes them feel like a specimen within their own community. I’m sure those who suffer from mental illness understand how degrading it is to be looked at as some sort of test subject or lab rat. I think as a community we can do better and be more accepting and open to all forms of otherkinity. Shutting down this kinda of language would be great for endel otherkin.
-endels are still having to deal with other community members who use psychotic/delusional/etc as insults or jokey words. These words are derogatory and insulting they shouldn’t be said as insults or jokes there are plenty of other words that could be used and it pushes endels and otherkin with psychotic symptoms away from the larger community. Using this language shows an ignorance to the ableism still alive and active towards endels.
-none of this helps internalized ableism!! All the actions described above only reinforce internalized ablism. This creates a combative and toxic environment for endels and otherkin with psychotic symptoms. It would be in our best interest as a community to help bring down ableism and be more aware of what were saying and to who.
Some things to keep in mind
-treating psychotics like they cant make their own choices is not ok/ thinking for them
-insults and jokes using derogatory language is triggering and alienating
-treating psychotics as lab rats or something to gauk at as “interesting” is demoralizing and takes away someones individual power as a person. Its hard to have an identity and a voice if everyone is busy staring at you like a lab rat.
               What about the internal side of the otherkin community? I found when I was apart of the therian community this was a more prominent problem and still is in some corners I wander into. Otherkinity also holds some ableist views but from what I’ve seen not to the same intensity as therian communities. This I would say is a cultural difference from a new age of therians that took over the internet, p-shifting cults, wolf packs, and some forums for therians were intense I know previously therians and otherkin identities didn’t have to much of a difference besides animalistic tendencies or a way to further define an identity.  Once this shift happened it became more so about earthly creatures or animals based on earth. earth mythics, animals that exist present day and extinct, and plants as well. I’m not an expert of the history of otherkin and therians so I would direct you to house of chimeras and who is page for more information over it gladly. If im wrong please correct me. That’s my understanding. This shift to earthly animals also carried a sentiment or notion of being more “real” than otherkin that I often experienced in the wolf packs and forums. Since they’re identities were based on “real” animals it made them more valid otherkin. An easy question I asked often or others would ask was a simple “why?” and the response I experienced a lot was “so were more credible/ don’t seem crazy” this was 8-9 years ago which was at the time the height of otherkin hate. It came across as a borderline phobia to be seen as an antikin steriotypes which were ableist stereotypes to begin with. some of these communities in reaction created ridged and strict cultures of how to be therian. This would leave an imprint on many people including myself.
               so that was 8-9 years ago why do I bring it up? Because I still see this sentiment present just subtle.
              Some things I feel were carried over is: Overly present and specific about kin types, an obsession with details and intricacies to a degree where its no longer beneficial to learn, embarrassed or shamed for certain kin types, a focal point on kin type tendencies and ignoring or pushing aside human experiences to further pronounce a kin type. A fixation on the past and not taking into account of the present, always centering around the past. I would say these behaviors in the community were influenced from the wolf pack cultural shift.
             These are a remanent set of reactions from a more intense time of grilling, questioning and if validity was questioned your title could be easily taken away in close knit communities. I think the otherkin community still has some skeletons in the closet so to speak of a more intense time that a lot of members endured and witnessed. We passed on this culture, myself included as we grew up cause its how we learned to present our otherkinity. We can unlearn though and I think it’s time to push for more freedom and new ways to take on otherkinity.              a larger problem I see is a fixation with the past which once it gets to a certain point I don’t think can be constructive or healthy. Exploring your past is good, gaining context for your actions and your background is good, but living in the past is not healthy. Reshaping how you live in the present by escaping to the past isn’t really healthy. I find it worrying how common it is for otherkin to not tie their humanity and the present to their identity. It hurts to say, it can be uncomfortable but being human is apart of our experience. Now my therapists always say “never damn a coping skill” if looking to the past and living in the past finds you comfort and it keeps you stable that’s ultimately a good thing your staying stable and keeps you functioning. I urge though for people to start to take the time to explore humanity with our otherkin identities and living more in the present. How your identity effects you right now. How people interact with you and what you can do to tie your otherkinity to the physical world to the present. I think it’s a balancing act ultimately trying to find a sweet spot between the past and the present. Not completely ignoring your past and only staying in the present or only living in the past and neglecting the present. Its not easy and something im actively working on myself.
               I want to highlight the present cultural imprint the wolf pack phase in present day otherkin communties and how new otherkin members seeing and reacting to it. we as older members may not realize how impactful our words are and may not notice us carrying an imprint of the past with us. Here some quotes I picked up. I asked a few friends their experiences who had come as otherkin in the past 6 months. I was also able to get 1 anecdote anon from my tumblr after sending out a request earlier today they are also pretty recent. Here what they had to say. These are all anonymous.
“(tumblr)My experience was pretty good! The community is super open and friendly, or at least the side of it I'm on (idk about the fictionkin side of it which might be more controversial/full of discourse).
It was easy to get into which is good because I was super scared about it 😅” “(friend) the whole community is
scary, for me at least, mostly because some of the older grey muzzles seem really intimidating and cliquey
the discord group im in seems like really cool to me, they are all super nice and helpful but the rest of the community is super scary for me”
 “(friend) [when asked about getting into the community] it's weird to me, it really is.
like
I've spent a good chunk of time just like
wondering what it could possibly mean to be "valid" otherkin
like, who's judgement is that? mine?”
 My Take on otherkinity
               Im telling my story because my mental illness causes me to fall into an undesired or taboo identity categories or stereotypes of otherkin often. I find instability, identities that are less material or easily relatable, signs of mental illness with otherkinity. Are swept under the rug. I’d like to change that and show that instability, less relatable, highly specific or vague identities are just as valid. My experiences can be something of an uncomfortable truth for some that otherkin can be cringy or be easier to target from outsiders. I ask to everyone that has some reservations about accepting more diverse identities to consider how beneficial these new perspectives bring to our community. These identities give a perspective and voice we are missing and is needed. It’s beneficial for our community to be heard fully so we can support and help everyone. Endels may have a perspective other therians/otherkin may not have considered before. the wider range of experiences about our community that we share the better. It gives us the tools to make the community even stronger.
               I would say overall psychological kin are extremely diverse and no experience is going to be the same. Its difficult at best to say anything that all psychological kin experience because the definition is so broad. We all have unique and diverse stories and I’d like to encourage everyone to share them even if they show mental illness. Things like Delusions, trauma responses, trauma sourced, episodes and regression. I would love to see more inclusivity for the messier and less understood part of psychological kin.
               So lets get into some of my specific experiences. my identity is messy at the moment as my brain seems to have an interesting understanding of what a mightyena is. It has 2 images instead of one
These two images are houndoom and mightyena. Both of them I see myself as but are the same entity. My brain cant see the difference between the two as an identity at the moment. So theyre both “mightyena” its quirks like this that I think should be seen as more acceptable in the community because its messy at best. It has made me on several occasions go “that makes 0 sense” but from a trauma stand point it doesn’t surprise me
my brain has trouble picking only one. If my 5 year old or 3 year old brain attached itself to both images and called them the same then well that’s it im both of them at once. Brains don’t tend to work very logically and while it sounds confusing I would say it probably feels similar to having 2 kin types active at once. The two identities don’t blend (ie mightyena wolf hyena doesn’t breathe fire while houndoom does. ) I experience a range of both identities at once. They’re both mightyena it just so happens that image that’s associated with houndoom is present when something happens that only that pokemon could do or associated feelings or states. I would say theyre 2 different kin types except if I say I have a houndoom kin type I don’t think of anything and don’t feel anything. When I say I have a mightyena kin type I have images and feelings from both. They also cant seem to be separated both images and associations need the other. Its interesting. Its very funky. The wonderful world of trauma. Could probably make anew label for that but that’s alright im not one for labels.
               I experience something I call m-shifting which is really animal regression. It’s called m shifting because I was previously in an p-shifting cult where it developed it. it’s uncontrollable but I can start it or trigger it if I want to. When I go into an m-shift I cant understand English, read English, walk on two legs well, speak, or know basic things most people would know. My brain goes into instincts and impulses. I don’t think critically or contemplate much. My thoughts are in images and feelings. Its fun. But its difficult to control, I find it’s a way for me to relieve stress in excess when I cant seem to find a good outlet for it.  this is part of my identity is what makes me relate to the werewolf community so much since its involuntary and frowned upon generally to greater society .(aka internalized ableism) One of my biggest fears is shifting in public or with friends. It’s hard on me for sure.
 Another thing that effects me is coping linking as someone who deals with trauma I have found lately I’m starting to create involuntary coping links. I had a brief coping link as a sled dog its purpose was the personality of a sled dog was something I needed to be at the moment to stay functional and coherent once I learned to do that without my coping link it went away. I notice myself having brief coping links on and off each of them usually teach me something or a skill I couldn’t fully understand yet.
 I experience false memories. My memories change depending on my identity. I don’t force or make them change they simply do.
they hold the same narrative throughout all the changes though. The narrative from what I understand seems to be a re telling of my trauma. My false memories don’t seem to be a major part of my identity and I think I may have them simply because of p-shifting cult trauma and the pressure to have a past life or noemata. I think my false memories are a way to retell my trauma in a form that gives me validation as an animal. I do know seeing myself as human in memories is inherently triggering for me as I cant recognize myself so a set of false memories that lets me see myself in those situations as an animal is comforting and validating. It helps me evaluate my trauma better and understand why I feel the way I do about trauma. A dog that looses its molars would be distraught while a human doesn’t really care if they get wisdom teeth removed. Evaluating trauma through an animalstic lens has helped me immensely.  I’ve noticed the more I evaluate and see my trauma through an animal lens the weaker my false memories become and I think that’s neat.
               My perspective of the world also changes as my identity shifts
I see the world differently as a mightyena than I do as a threatening wolf. Objects, people, environments and habitats have different meanings to me and associations according to shifts and how my identity changes. These associations and meanings are ones that either I had when I was a child, or ones I repressed due to being childish or something I didn’t see as acceptable at the time. So my identity now has a wider range of perspective. My threatening wolf perspective toned down a lot and let the repressed associations and meanings take a more dominant role.
               Another thing that effects my otherkinity is when it comes to species dysphoria I would say it’s a large factor in how I experience otherkinity. I would say my otherkintiy is something very based in the present. I don’t think about my kintypes past, I don’t think about its future or let my mind wander off a lot about whats going on with it. I am usually observing it in the present moment. A big part of that is my species dysphoria which tells me a lot about what I am. I’m trans female to male though that’s debatable as im considering a gender to my kintype. Human gender dysphoria is something that bothers me a decent amount. What has sent me to therapy though is species dysphoria. It is unbearable for me. I have fangs, a tail, a collar, wolfsbane pendant for mythology about werewolves, pointed nails, short hair thicker hair to resemble my kin type. I had to learn how to make animal vocalizations like growling, snarling, whimpering because I felt incredibly stressed being unable to emote properly. I learned to walk on all fours and run as well. I learned to play and move like an animal mostly from m shifting but it helps immensely. Getting on T has helped a lot as I got furrier, deeper voice, thicker hair, generally able to gain muscle better. Overall has helped my species dysphoria. Its something I’ve always had that brings me immense discomfort. I’m planning to make a prosthetic muzzle to wear and possibly some ears.
               This dysphoria is apparent when you see me on the street cause im wearing a collar, tail everything I can’t hide my otherkinity because it triggers my species dysphoria to much to hide it so I just have to roll with it. the census? Its really not that bad being out or showing im otherkin. It’s a good conversation starter and most people are friendly about it here which has been nice. I do get asked if im a furry I usually say yes just cause I don’t feel like explaining otherkinity. If someone asks why I usually just say I see myself as an animal. Responses are mixed but people are polite about it. wearing gear makes me feel much more grounded in where I stand with my identity. I noticed a feel much more confident about myself when I am being myself unabashedly. Who knew. Also planning to get some combat boots and add some spikes to them to imitate claws. Should be fun.
 Heading back to my weird quirks and otherkinity experience Phantom shifts are something I experience all the time 24/7. In part due to p-shifting cult and also a way to manage my species dysphoria. It’s pretty intense for me and its something I find comfort in and encourage. It’s a way for me to find the world more relatable. Often these shifts calm me down and make it easier for me to navigate the world. I would say my phantom shifts only effects parts of my body im aware of not my entire body all the time. Rather whatever body parts im using. It also does its best to not have any “clipping” through objects and my shift may phase out if there may be clipping to a body part im aware of.
               Lastly My gender and sexuality I would say tie to my kintype as well. Im attracted to otherkin moreso than humans. I really like animalistic aspects to people and traits I see in my kintype in other people. I find I get along best with canine kintypes. My gender im realizing is more so tied heavily to my kintype I want to be a male mightyena whatever that entails and it plays closely with my species dysphoria. I find when I relieve my species dysphoria I tend to also relieve a bit of my gender dysphoria to. I say im ftm as a short hand because that’s what my kintypes gender seems to line up with the most. Though I think that will be less and less the case as I start wearing things like a prosthetic muzzle which is pretty animal gender to me.
   Therapy and Otherkinity
               On this topic I would like to talk about how therapy and otherkinity interact cause that’s something central to this panel. For me I always noticed that when I am given analogies in therapy they are always about an inner child, how I was as a human kid, how I am as an adult. These things are good but they lack the context of me as a whole. I am not just a human I am an animal in a human body which changes a lot in how I’ve had to take care of myself and apply advice given to me by professionals. For one I always have to tell professionals im otherkin and what that entails. That it isn’t a hobby or one aspect of me but something that impacts my entire perspective. Methods of self soothing just wont work for me if I don’t change some wording around. There is no inner child for me personally theres a puppy and a puppy seeks out an entirely different sets of behaviors, emotions, and emotes/ way of communication than an inner child would. You would be able to talk to an inner child hug them and act as a type of parent to them. With a puppy I tend to act more as an owner or an animal parent depending on whats needed.as an owner i have to bridge the communication gap with things like chew toys, petting, dark cozy places, brushing or grooming, non verbal communication
             which plays a much larger part in my healing process than what I read or what methods im taught. As an owner to myself I have to learn to take care of my inner puppy the way I needed which can be difficult when no one you know has to follow that method. As an animal parent I also have to act as I am, an animal to my inner puppy that’s what we both understand the common language we speak is non human and is critical to my healing. I find protecting my inner puppy as an animal parent gives me a larger sense of catharsis it feels like something I can finally understand however the methods don’t translate well to the real world. I cant just snarl at people I have to talk to them in a disagreement. I cant go hunting I have to go shopping. Which is why having both an owner and an animal parent.
Both are important because both aspects cant be ignored and need to be used in tandem.
               Healing for me when it comes to trauma involves a lot of balancing between my human life and my animalistic needs which is something I have had to do and explain to therapists the difficulties of doing so. I notice most therapists I have met cant seem to grasp this and see otherkinity as more of a metaphor than an identity. I noticed a lot of my therapists would just change metaphors to talk to me instead of reshaping a technique for healing which has caused a lot of problems. An example I can think off the top of my head is instead of “a family sticks together” may be “a wolf pack sticks together” which is helpful sometimes but if it’s the only change it becomes detrimental to me. Often because while not intentional I think a lot of therapies are human-centric. There is an assumption you are human in order to apply the coping techniques or healing strategies. This lead to me unintentionally repressing a larger chunk of my otherkinity just because I was applying these skills without changing anything. Sometimes present day I still fall into this and notice it triggers my species dysphoria to worsen. It can be difficult to spot for me as well because otherkinity is so uncommon no one else is having the same issue in my real life friend groups. So I assume whatever im doing must be ok cause it seems to work ok for everyone else. Which ends up not being the case.
              A solution I’ve found to help with this is for one explaining as I go with a therapist what is and is not working. I have to be an advocate for myself and teach them as well what I like and what works and what doesn’t. I try my best to let them know when something they do is detrimental. I also try to explain what brings me comfort and what doesn’t. a nice talk isn’t going to help my puppy self but a hug would. Things like that. When it comes to internal imagery some therapists use I know stating to them youd like them to consider your kintype as yourself has helped me by them not seeing me as a fully human being or just my irl body.              overall I hope this talk has helped some people. Given some new perspectives. And I am happy or reiterate some topics I went over. Thanks for coming to my ted talk.  
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Tell us your franziska thoughts on her relationship with Maya
hmm.. ok... ill tell u i dont have too much brainrot about franziska + maya so i dont think about them TOO much i just think theyre funny and the best pair for each other BUT.
i think their relationship wouldve be really interesting if they ever fleshed it out which they WONT ever do that but it wouldve been GREAT if they had more than 2 lines. but whatever. 3 points ill say are
age
legacy
their trauma shit idk
and how theyre both alike and different (also im just transporting it from my brain so it may not make that much sense but like u know)
theyre the same age. maya says some shit like wow...shes my age but shes so much more mature and strong. maya still feels like a teenager at 18, franziska feels as if she is an adult. maya had more leeway in this in fact i would say she is the opposite of franziska in this regard. maya was much more sheltered than franziska was. I mean, look at pearl. morgan is pearls mother yea but even so living in kurain heavily shelters you. really i doubt maya knew too much about the outside world until the time we meet her. shes immature. but so is franziska. franziska was simply forced to grow up too fast. she was constantly reminded she was too young and she learned to surpass that by acting older than she was. but we KNOW she is immature. she has outburts and she cant really control her temper. her best resort is..whipping people. theyre both immature teenagers who were simply raised in different environments. and maya doesnt seem to care much on how others perceive her. shes goofy, shes fun! shes not an old fart like phoenix. shes young and shes happy to be! franziska is the opposite. shes stern, shes serious. she despises people not taking her seriously. she wants them to think she is a mature adult just as her brother is and just as her father is. she wants to be older and so she tries to hide her immaturity!
they both have their legacies hanging over their heads. franziska constantly had the von karma name putting pressure on her. she had to be perfect like her father, and she had to work hard for it. anything other than perfection = not an option. she was essentially groomed from a young age to be the perfect prosecutor. maya constantly had the fey name putting pressure on her. she was the only member of the clan who could be master. this pressure amplified once mia had left. but for maya, she had plenty of time to .. live. she only really started her training at 17 years old, and only at 28 has she mastered it! maya never exactly had that pressure that franziska had for perfection... however both of them feared letting down their family name. also both their predecessors had died, leaving them to realize that their legacies really didnt mean anything anymore. they became what their legacy destined them to be (maya=master,fran=prosecutor) but... a little bit to the left. someone of their own. edgeworth as an example throughout all of aai2 wonders if he should go in his fathers footsteps. and he makes the decision to stay a prosecutor... and just be his own kind of prosecutor that finds the truth. this is basically the complete opposite of what fran and maya do. they DO follow in their parents footsteps. but they make it their own.
franziska and maya both have ... TRAUMA. the way they deal with it is very alike and very different. both of them bottle it up and try to stay strong. but when something happens to maya, she acts like its all chill. everythings ok. shes okay. she acts fun and upbeat so that nobody can see anything is wrong. she keeps it to herself. franziskas way of bottling it up is she hardens herself. she doesnt let anyone touch her or get through to her. she acts rude and abrasive so that nobody can see anything is wrong. she keeps it to herself. tho i would say maya is better at hiding her true emotions abt these things... as like i said franziska has many outbursts. also, franziska hasnt really had much of a support system. she has edgeworth, sure, but im sure as soon as she hit 12 years old her pride got too high to talk to him about anything like that. maya has usually had someone to depend on and talk to. she had mia, then mia died, but then she had phoenix and she has pearly and she has some of the individuals shes met on her escapades! she does have people to talk to... she just doesnt. but unlike franziska its not because of pride i think she just doesnt want others to worry for her
anyways yeah some of this might be heading into just hc territory but yah. there you go. some of this may not tie together at all but also im tired so um LOL there u go
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boundlesshart · 4 years
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how royal succession works in Almyra + Other Things about almyra that’s been rattling in my head since that nintendo dream interview laid waste on my crops
hi, so after reading M’s @ladamedepique​ drabble about a concubine war kid getting kmarted, i realized that what i actually want to write is the Everything i’ve been thinking about since this nintendo dream interview came out back in march. so i did. it’s 2am and im hungry.
i realize that it’s been a while, so the summary of that interview’s impact on my claude headcanons is “my handcrafted claude backstory that i had to write myself bc intsys decided fuck claude is now irreversibly fucked by the introduction of a bunch of half-siblings he had to be rivals with.” if you ever catch yourself wondering why this is such a mess, well because that’s exactly what this is! this is all subject to change, it’s same kind of “haphazard and bizarrely long half-baked headcanon report” that my dlc thought train was. i’ve changed my mind at least 20 times during this process i will change it again
i’d like to thank zotero for holding all of my journal articles and pdfs on the ottomans and their succession system, and also magnificent century og and kosem, while not being totally historically accurate, for being a fun soap opera to give me some visuals to work with in my head. i now have a positive understanding of what claude’s shitty little beard could realistically look like, which is a gift that i never thought i would have.
Almyran Succession
All of the king’s children, regardless of if they were born in or out of wedlock, is considered a legitimate prince or princess. This is pretty much the only title that they can expect to have, as they and their mothers cannot inherit any lands, titles or wealth that would have been passed to them from their own families. Almyran property law aims to avoid partitioning property between multiple heirs for the sake of maintaining the family’s financial stability. The throne of Almyra works under the same principle, which had led to the introduction, legalization, and practice of open succession.
Open succession, despite its potential to be cruel, is viewed as a necessary step to ensure that the throne would only be held by strong leaders chosen by the people (”people” ending up being the higher-ranking officials that would benefit from a specific child’s ascension). If they proved to be lacking, they would simply be deposed of and replaced. 
What determines who becomes the next ruler of Almyra is not whether a child is the oldest of all the children, but if they and their allies have the political acumen to not only claim kingship but keep it, fighting off their rival brothers and sisters.
All sons and unmarried daughters are eligible to rule Almyra. By law is not only the next ruler’s right but duty to remove other potential heirs to secure their right to rule and the stability of their reign. Generally upon a ruler’s ascension to the throne, their brothers will be killed and their sisters married off or killed if they threaten their siblings’ rule. Exceptions have been made in the past, but they are few and far in between and have led to succession crises down the road. 
The previous ruler’s choice for an heir is usually accepted after their death, and ideal for minimizing the interregnum period. Even so, it doesn’t guarantee that the heir will be able to keep the throne.
Ok, but where do the kids come from?
Rulers of Almyra are allowed to have multiple spouses, but they usually only marry for political purposes.
The vast majority of children are mothered or fathered by concubines with no background of political power, which is preferred. Princes and princesses are allowed to have children once they leave the palace (to prove that they can have them), but if they have too many they may be considered a threat to the king and dealt with appropriately.
I think the one mother-one child rule would have been in place here, not necessarily as a law but as a rule enforced by other spouses and concubines, as well as the ruler’s mother or father.
Princes and princesses aren’t dropping like flies, and murdering them without having the law on your side is considered treason of the highest order. They’re still aware of their competition and fear being murdered when one of their siblings takes the thrones, so few end up becoming friends.
Children are ultimately their mother’s or father’s responsibility. They are expected to guide them through their education and follow them to their provincial post when they are old enough, setting them up for success and paving their path to the throne. King and Queen Dowagers have been incredibly influential in Almyran history and support their children by representing them politically and managing their spouses and concubines. 
Ok, whatever, just tell me what’s relevant to Claude:
Ibrahim, Claude’s father, became the king of Almyra only after 5 year civil war between himself and his two remaining brothers. He got to the throne first and is still feared for the ruthless execution of even his youngest brothers and sisters.
In all, Ibrahim has had 2 wives and 12 concubines, and he has fathered 10 sons and 6 daughters. A few died to childhood illnesses but most made it to at least 13 years old. He’s a doting father and cares for their well-being, though only when he happens to see them. Though he was a constant presence in Claude’s life, his half-siblings usually only saw him during holidays.
No one in Almyra knows that Tiana is the daughter of Duke Riegan, for all they know she’s a Fódlaner that King Ibrahim brought back with him after a short border strife with the Leicester Alliance. Obviously she goes by another name in Almyra, and here is where I think I’m going to bring back the first name I had for her, Desdemona. Suck it, intsys. She wasn’t liked when she first came due to being from Fódlan, and was accused of witchcraft when Ibrahim married her and devoted himself to her at the expense of his other wives as concubines. As the herd of children and concubines thinned, Tiana’s strong personality and battle prowess garnered her respect among the top officials of the Almyran court and even her enemies.
In Fódlan Year 1175, rebels infiltrate the palace walls and kill over a dozen people, from palace servants to princes and princesses. In the moment it was believed to be part of a revolt that was ongoing in the capital at the time and carried out by rebels storming the palace walls and stealing and killing whatever came in their way. After an investigation, it was discovered that that was just a cover up for.... a noble Almyran house trying to make a power grab through either an older son or with their own heir? I’ve been working out the details on this for months and I still don’t have them ironed out don’t look at me. It ends with a couple of older half-sibs dying but more importantly Claude’s older and younger brother dying and Claude nearly dying himself, only to survive with the Crest of Riegan. I imagine that there have been instances before hinted at him having the Crest of Riegan, but it was this incident that confirmed it for Tiana. 
These are the notable royal family members, or the ones I’ve spent at least one second thinking of:
King Ibrahim II of Almyra: Claude’s dad, born Fódlan year 1131 so 19 when he ascends the throne. He is feared but respected, brutal to his enemies, firm with his allies... but you’d be surprised by how easygoing he actually is with friends and family. He’s young at heart and energetic, even laughing at jokes made at his expense, but only in very close company. He loves writing poetry, especially to Tiana, and he frequently sends her love letters so that one can be read out to her every morning and evening when her mail is given to her. Relishes the thrill of battle. Nader introduced him to kumis back when they were boys and to this day Ibrahim regularly drinks a glass each night, claiming it makes him stronger.
There’s a tradition in the royal family that all princes and princesses must learn a trade in case that they fall into misfortune. Ibrahim enjoys goldsmithing when he is alone, a good distraction from his thoughts. Claude’s earring is part of a set given to his mother, crafted by his father as a gift.
Tiana von Riegan/Desdemona: Claude’s mom, born Fódlan year 1135. Claude calls her a warrior goddess and a demon queen that would laugh at his expense, I imagine that she’s in that “dead serious but good humored about it” boat like Claudedad, but less sappy about it. A tough but loving mother, she was very involved in her children’s upbringing and did her best to secure their place in the royal family. She doesn’t teach any of her kids the Fódlanguage because she was distancing herself from That, but Claude is able to convince her to help him learn (though she was reluctant about it and limited their lessons greatly, forcing him to teach himself mostly). She has firmly decided to never return to Fódlan, but a cup of Leicester Cortania is her guilty pleasure. These days Tiana spends her time at her husband’s side in Maragheh, keeping up with her training.
Two older half-brothers: So Claude’s endings have him as heir to the throne without a mention of rivals, but part of me feels like that’s too simple for Claude considering he just up and walked out of there 7 years ago so here we are, two rivals. They’re probably early to mid 30s at this point and have one or two small children of their own. I don’t know their names yet, but my initial ideas are a “nice” brother cool calculated pushing up glasses kind of dude that is actually a huge dick and a chad dudebro who’s just trying to distance himself from these bad vibes.
If I had to give them trades, nice brother likes to fish and sails for pleasure (he governs a coastal province) and chad brother carves wooden thumbrings. 
Orhan: Claude’s older brother, born Fódlan Year 1160. He was conceived months before Tiana went to Almyra (born 5 months after she arrived), so his parentage has been in doubt from day 1. I imagine him as having low self-esteem since he was believed to be a full-blooded Fódlaner, discriminated against in a similar way or worse than what the rest of his siblings went through. Historians would later debate whether or not he was actually Ibrahim’s son.... but we’re not historians, and Orhan was definitely his son. Died in the FY1175 uprising at the age of 15.
No idea what he looked like, he just happened to not look like his parents. His favorite food was salted cod, but he was rarely able to get it. Orhan enjoyed playing the violin.
Claude/Khalid: You know him, you love him, born Fódlan Year 1162 under another name. He’s the only kid that ended up getting the Crest of Riegan, and after one too many accidents where that crest ended up proccing, he’s been accused of practicing witchcraft like his mother. I think this would be a better like, concrete thing for the Almyrans to fixate on rather than a general “you’re half-Fódlan rahhh” and I think it would definitely go with Claude talking about how he was constantly fighting and explaining himself to get out of trouble.
If I’m going with the “kids can only inherit from the ruler of Almyra”, then I’m gonna have to figure out how Claude fits into this. His first move is to probably bullshit a loophole about how actually the Dukedom of Riegan doesn’t exist anymore and I may have destroyed Failnaught after the final battle so technically I didn’t really inherit anything that would give me an edge in Almyran politics. :). Ibrahim is pissed at Claude for going to Fódlan in the first place and getting caught up in a war and he definitely did not sign off on Nader bringing Almyran troops into a war that they have no business being involved in. The first thing Ibrahim does when Claude returns to Maragheh is shout at him and ground him to his apartment in the palace. And then proceed to assign Claude to a governmental post so that he’s out of his sight.
As an aside, I imagine that when Ibrahim dies and Claude rises to the throne, he deliberately delays his coronation so that it coincides with the Almyran New Year. It;s that kind of inconvenient dick move that he would delight in making bc symbolism.
You know what he looks like, in terms of food he strays away from sugary sweet stuff and towards meat and cheese. I’d like to think that he gains a genuine interest in gardening (like, beyond just cultivating poisonous plants as a cover for “gardening”) during his time in Fódlan and brings back different seedlings and scions for grafting back to Almyra. 
Mehmet and Rahimah: Twins, born Fódlan Year 1164. Ok so basically I kind of wanted a dead sibling that was around Cyril and Lysithea’s age for the Drama of it (bc I thought of Claude looking at Cyril and thinking of his brother and immediately went “That hurts. Let’s do it”). But I ALSO thought what if Claude had a little sister, and then I ALSO thought what if Claude has a new full-blooded sibling that got conceived during the five year war, like the shittiest surprise. I’ve combined all those ideas into the twins.
First of all, they have more function than personality. Mehmet only exists to die during the uprising, but I’m starting to like Rahimah bc like... she literally loses most of her brothers including her twin, and then Claude up and leaves her for Fódlan (a place she has little connection to, regardless of her mother). Her only remaining sibling is gone for years, misses seven birthdays, her wedding with an Almyran general, the birth of her first child and the announcement of her second... like, by the time Claude comes back to Almyra she hates his guts and you know what? She’s right! I imagine Rahimah angry, but also grasping for literally any kind of deep and long-lasting relationship at this point. She loves her kids fiercely, she loves her husband, and even though they have their struggles she's still very close to her mom. Fuck her no-show brother Khalid, and fuck Fódlan for taking him away from her.
No idea what Mehmet looks like, like I said he only exists to die. Rahimah is shorter than Claude at maybe 5′4, round-faced and carrying herself gracefully. She’s lactose intolerant but she bears the pain for the sake of eating ice cream, and her husband goes to great lengths to get the ice for her. Likes to sing and dance with her son Ömer.
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dissirnulo-blog · 7 years
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Hello! I just stumbled on this blog by complete accident, and it's interesting to read your posts about akechi! I'm sorry if this actually comes of rude or ignorant or whatever, but i'm genuinely curious about life in orphanages in japan. Your akechi seems to be awfully not fond of it, and i guess the same with go with canon akechi actually. What are you thoughts?
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OH MY GOSH? im really flattered that you found them interesting, and im more flattered that you actually want to hear my thoughts on such a delicate subject. youre not being rude or anything!!
i very well cant give proper opinions on a subject without laying down the facts first, though, and surprisingly, other than passing mentions and links to an article or two, no one really talked about just how awful the system is in japan, and in turn how it affected goro, so let me talk about the system while adding in my own commentary
WARNING: WERE GOING TO SPOILER TOWN HERE.
spoilers and very, very, very, VERY heavy text under the cut. im so sorry mobile users
these are all articles i have bookmarked lolol i suggest yall read them but tldrs aint that bad too
What’s it like to be raised in a Japanese orphanage?
many kids that wind up in orphanages were neglected by their parents or suffered some kind of abuse from their parents. its also not uncommon for parents to leave their kids there simply because theyre too overwhelmed by the job
but even then, some (read: a whole fucking lot) of these parents refuse to let their children be adopted bc of a social stigma involving it. they cant support/cant take care/dont give a fuck for their children but theyre too scared of the shame that comes from getting their kids adopted to let them live in a family that can care for and love them. think about that for a minute.
these kids are sometimes called throw away children by society. goro is a throw away child, you can say.
the kids tend to form a hierarchical society where the oldest or the biggest kid orders all the other kids around. refuse to listen to them, and you get beat up. abuse and bullying is rampant because of this
a child leaves their orphanage at around 15 to 18. once they leave, any kind of support from the government is cut off. gone. nada. youre on your goddamn own. 
japan is a country thats held together by connections. you get a job if you have a good network to back up your credibility. basically, without any kind of networks, youre already ruined before you even got outside of that goddamn orphanage you live in
to add: its not uncommon to hear about orphans released from orphanages becoming homeless or unemployed, and without a support network, more often than not they also suffer from mental illnesses such as depression. or theyre also manipulated into committing murder. you know.
im gonna throw my assumption out here that goro most likely was released from whatever orphanage he was in when he was 15. not too long after, he had awaken to his persona, and thats when he approached shido. probably. if that were the case, then it would align with when the mental shutdown cases started: two years before the main game. goro died at 17 years old.
with these facts, we can assume that HE WAS LITERALLY A HOMELESS KID WHEN HE WENT TO SHIDO, AND HE WAS BARELY LEGAL WHEN HE DIED, YOU FUCKING MONKEYS
“When I was growing up in orphanages I sensed the staff was fulfilling their responsibilities but I didn’t feel protected or loved. When I had to leave the orphanage I was all alone. I had no one to turn to.” — Sayuri Watai, 27, founder of a support organization run by and for ‘graduates’ of childhood welfare facilities.
Japan: Children in Institutions Denied Family Life
basically, the foster care system and the alternative care system (aka orphanages) in japan are a fucking trainwreck, but thats the whole point of this post, so its not that surprising.
orphanages are just really fucking bad, theres not enough space, bad facilities, abuses from both staff and fellow children, that kind of shit
its also mentioned here how those who leave the orphanages have no support to help them ease back into society and again brings up the importance of having connections in japan
adoption is rare. by 2011, only 303 kids (out of like, roughly, 30,000) were formally adopted out of the alternative care system. more on Why later
childrens’ best interests are often set aside in favour of letting the parents or family, who put them there in the first place, decide what happens to the kid, which basically means if the parents/family of the kid doesnt want the kid to get adopted, then no, the kid wont be adopted.
basically, the system favours the stupid adults’ opinions over the kids’ wellbeing. as quoted from one of the careworkers mentioned in the article, “In Japan, the interest of the parents is seen as more important than the interests of the child.”
“The Convention on the Rights of the Child states that for the full development of a child’s personality, they ‘should grow up in a family environment, in an atmosphere of happiness, love and understanding.’” 
hey so guess which persona 5 character never grew up in a family and ended up screwed up in the personality department and got so lost and confused with what he really wanted so he desperately clung to the flimsy fame he had and the idea of revenge and fake praises from a certain shido masayoshi? yeah i thought so
japan likes to cram all these kids into orphanages that, even though there are caretakers who do want to take very good care of these sad kids, there isnt enough staff to deal with them, and thats when what looks like neglect from the staffs part arises
the article lists testimonies from children and adults who are and were from these institutions. one of them, a one sentence testimony, stood out to me in particular: “I don’t have any dreams for the future.” it sounded so jaded and tired to me, and it makes me think of the last time we saw goro in the game. that really tired smile really hit it home for me. goro had goals, but what about dreams?
lets speak in hypotheticals: if goro managed to inflict his revenge on shido, and he won, what comes after? what will he do? he spoke in the ship about being heralded as the hero who took down shido, sure, but do yalls really think, after everything, he actually plans to get out of that goddamn mess alive? goro made it his life mission to ruin shido. nothing matters but that, not even himself. after all is said and done, it doesnt seem very plausible for goro to keep on wanting to live. theres nothing to live for, after that
Witness: Lack of Support in Japanese Orphanages
“Masashi cared about his appearance – he wore fashionable [ … ] clothes and had styled his hair – but a sense of isolation clung to him.” that sounds familiar but maybe thats just me
studies show that children younger than 3 who grow up in orphanages have the risk of delayed mental, emotional, and even physical development because of the lack of bonds with a proper adult or family. orphanages are also a really poor environment for older children, who most likely already experienced abuse in the hands of their families or severe trauma after losing their parents. either way, orphanages are just a really bad idea for children
the first two articles have mentioned this, and now this article mentions this again: kids who grow up in orphanages are often poorly equipped for the real world because of the lack of support after their release, and yeah yall know how they end up homeless and jobless bc of it
as continuation, sometimes, education for these kids are so poor that they get out of the system barely able to read or solve simple math problems. 
children get subsidies now (bc back then they didnt wtf). its around 55,000 yen, or 550 usd. they cant even get a drivers license with it, which also happens to be really good extra points for when applying for a job. another opportunity lost for them
Adoption in Japan Part 1: Why are there so many kids in orphanages?
this article focuses more on why adoption is so rare in japan and also reinstates some things that have been mentioned earlier, namely, childrens’ well being getting set aside in favour of what shitty parents have to say
majority of kids in orphanages have living parents who retain legal custody but are not raising them. because of this, they are not allowed to be adopted, even if the parents dont come back for them
for some reason, japan is really insistent on giving the parents full control on their kids life even though they already abandoned them. this idea is so strictly followed that even a baby found in trash cans or some shit are usually ruled by court as not allowed to be adopted in case the biological parents come looking for them. i know. its full of bullshit.
with that and the stigma of a family letting their kid adopted, it makes me think that maybe its why goro ended up stuck in orphanages and never lasted in foster homes. because despite being a good kid (which i actually think he was), he was never adopted bc his mothers family refused to let him be adopted. its really messed up
apparently, people think orphanages are “the right place for nobody’s children to be raised.” add in the “throwaway children” nickname from one of the earlier articles, i get where goros coming from with his whole “unwanted, cursed child” mentality, and why hes so desperate for anyones attention. spend your entire childhood having the idea that youre a throwaway child, that youre a nobody’s child, that your mother killed herself because youre unwanted planted in your vulnerable mind, and then taste praise for the first time despite it coming from the one person you want to ruin the most, no wonder goro was intoxicated by it.
while there are orphanages with staffs that try their best, sexual and physical abuse are still prevalent, mostly in private orphanages. though they are supposedly monitored by the government, those sent to inspect these private orphanages have little to no training for the job. most of the time, the inspector only comes for tea, then they fucking leave, and the abuses and badly maintained facilities continue to prevail
the article brings up again how children are badly prepared for the real world and are doomed to a life of hardship when they leave. it never stops
in japan, only middle school is compulsory, but most jobs require that you should be at least a high school graduate. only 10% (or lower) of kids from orphanages get to attend high school, because 1) getting into high school is like a super big deal and hard, maybe like getting into college, and normally, middle schoolers attend cram schools to prepare for their entrance tests, 2) these orphans cannot afford cram schools, 3) the government refuses to fund cram schools for these kids bc its also acknowledging that their public education fucking sucks and cant afford to get anyone into a high school
imagine goro burning his fucking eyebrows to be able to get into high school. although, truthfully, i wouldnt be surprised if shido had something to do with goro being able to get into high school, if we still go along with “goro approached shido at 15″ thing. but i stand with the whole “goro is actually smart and intelligent despite being a wack detective” thing bc lets be real, that shit he pulled in saes palace is fucking nuts. you cant deny the kids a genius in his own right
Adoption in Japan Part 2: Attitudes to Adoption
adult adoptions, the kind thats done by adults (duh) for convenience or inheritance etc etc, is a frequent thing in japan, but child adoption, the kind that we all are more familiar with, is apparently kind of a wack concept in japan. its entirely new to them. in fact they only legalised that shit in 1989
koseki likes to make everything complicated. its so fucking hard to describe, but its like a family tree of sorts, except when you (the mother) have a kid out of wedlock, youre not allowed to register your kid to your family tree for some fucking reason; you have to start your own family tree with just you and your kid. if you give up your kid for adoption and they got adopted, their name doesnt get removed from your family tree for some fucking reason, but the fact that they were adopted is noted in your family tree. and this starts the discrimination and stigma that comes from getting your kid adopted, and it makes parents who leave their child to orphanages unwilling to get their kids adopted. its also the source of stigma surrounding single mothers and children born out of wedlock. (hey guys guess whos both a kid born out of wedlock AND an orphan?????) NOTE: this is how i understand the concept of koseki so far, and i may not be 100% right bc that shit confuses the fuck out of me. idk. japan why
so yall know how obsessed goro is with being perfect—perfect grades, perfect public image, perfect everything? as it turns out, theres this stupid idea in japan thats widely accepted that “everything from your taste in food to the language you speak is biologically pre-determined” now that makes a shit ton of sense, considering the kind of person shido is. that fucking asshole. holy fuck.
Japan’s Forgotten Children
it says here that about 4,000 children were formally adopted out of the system, as opposed to an earlier article that says 303. i dont know which one is true.
this entire paragraph:
“Last month, a Chukyo Television director who was documenting this problem, asked a high government official why Japan had such a system, as opposed to promoting adoption and foster care like other developed nations. The man, whom I respect for his honesty, basically said that after the war there were many children without parents. At that time, many orphanages were built. So, that became Japan’s system to this day. Let me translate that for you…There are many jobs involved in this system. Plus, we don’t like change.”
orphanages run by the government receive funding based on how much kids they have, so more kids = more money, and that basically is also one of the reasons why no ones making an effort to get these kids out of the system. the kids are their means of getting free fucking money.
the government isnt trying to remedy this problem bc it doesnt want change, at least according to this guy named yamanta tokuji. hes an ex-child welfare worker who wants change, to put it simply.
he also says that living in orphanages for years damages a childs well being and behaviour. some who end up in family environments can develop reactive attachment disorder in which they regress to behaving like a baby.
the government wont tackle the issue “because it doesn’t want to know the truth and thus be forced to change.” yamantas opinion again
look, before anything else, i dont condone what goros done. shits fucked up, kids killed a whole lotta ppl, and he didnt fucking hesitate to pull the damn trigger on akira, but since this is fiction, context is important. if youre one of those people who simply dismissed goros character and went “eh. hes fucking evil with daddy issues” im just….. :(, bc you fucking missed the entire point of his character. its important to note hes the only teenage antagonist in a game where the adults are the Bad Guys™. i dont remember where i read this, but i (sorta) quote: hes a warning of what couldve happened to the phantom thieves, without morgana, without the support system that they had, without the positive influences that made them decide to do what they did. even yusuke acknowledges this, once they come back from shidos palace after Hell™ happened (i would have put a link to a photo, but where the fuck do i even find a pic of it).
i think that people seem to misunderstand goros character simply because of really fucking bad writing atlus COME THE FUCK ON they forget that theyre playing a game based on japan, where culture and society are very different from theirs, and in turn they dont understand the context behind goros backstory and how japans society views orphans and illegitimate children can really fuck with a kid, and okay, just because youre either of the two doesnt mean youll resort to murder, but 1) this is a modern fantasy game, where cats can become buses and fake gods can force a lonely kid who happens to be a wild card into the depths of hell, come on, 2) goro wasnt even the one who came up with the murders, it was shido. he fucking bragged about it in his boss fight you fucking monkeys!!!! i forgot to mention this, but shido also threatens goro if he ever so much expresses doubt
its also because of bad writing. its mostly because of bad writing. god. goro deserves better than this
goro was a vulnerable kid with powers, and that made him a perfect puppet for shido. imagine if he had known about changing hearts sooner, because no one ever told him about it. imagine if he was able to bring his wild card ability to its full potential, and dont even get me started with the fact that he was a wild card user. this post about wild cards and goro really makes you think, but that isnt the point of this post, so
anyway its 2 am im tired Good Night Have A Swell Night Sir
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aimskyymama-blog · 7 years
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New York New York
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There is so much I can say about New York, but I will try to stay focused on the task at hand! :) This was Micah’s first trip and we had a blast. If you stumbled on my blog out of curiosity, welcome. If its to read about our trip, my advice or just to see some photos then stay tuned.
Although we travel a lot I wont lie, my husband and I were nervous about traveling with a 4 month old. I was a little less nervous than him. Being a flight attendant for five years has helped me. I always marveled in awe when I would watch a mama wrangle a baby and/or a toddler all by herself flawlessly. So I always took mental notes for the future (thank you super mamas). We worked as a team and didn’t let any of the small stuff sweat us or slow us down. I honestly want to give him the dad of the year award for several reasons, but more on that later…
This was a very short trip. We left Florida around 6am on a Tuesday and came back at 7pm on Thursday. I will try to break this trip down by parts so I can stay organized haha.
Flights
We each had one carry on so a total of three. I packed my bag with half of Micah’s clothes and half of my own. I made sure to pack him 2-3 outfits for each day (whatever he was wearing and 2 extra in his diaper bag just in case so about 5-6 total for the whole trip). I packed him 2 footed pajamas (he wore one on the flight there), socks, diapers, wipes, his favorite teething toy, hand sanitizer/wipes, four spit up cloths (he didn’t use all four so I think 2-3 would’ve been fine for us), his muslin blanket (he used this a lot since its light enough for hot days but can be used to keep warm when folded), one thick blanket (also never used), soap and wash cloth, no need for formula since he is breastfed (which also made this easier), his LilleBaby carrier, and his Chicco bravo travel system (which I wish we didn’t take or found another option but ill explain why below). Micah’s carry on was his diaper bag and it had the things I normally pack for him.
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My husband carried the bags and pushed the stroller while I wore Micah through the airport. This is why I wish we didn’t take his travel system. Getting through TSA, gate checking it, and most of all carrying it up and down the subway stairs (FYI, most subways in NY DONT HAVE ELEVATORS) was such a pain. This is why my hubby wins the prize, he did that heavy lifting. We thought about leaving it and buying a collapsible stroller that can fit in the over head but we knew we needed it for his naps and a car seat for any car rides. That’s where I learned the hard way that you can actually request a Lyft or Uber with a car seat. Whoops, lesson number one learned. So my advice, skip the bulky stroller and try to go for a small one that can fold up like the GB Pockit Stroller (if baby is 6 mos and up) or Doona (if you need the stroller to sit at an incline for naps) which is a car seat and stroller in one.
Once we got through TSA and to our gate I carried Micah onto the plane, we checked his car seat and stroller and then put his carrier either under the seat or in the overhead bin. Micah was awesome on the flight. We purposely did an early morning one because he normally sleeps until 8-9am so we knew he would sleep on the flight. I nursed him on both take off and landing to help clear his ears of the pressure. He didn’t ever seem phased.
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Once we landed in LGA we hit the ground running! We dropped off our bags, freshened up and then headed to the subway to go to the American Museum of Natural History. 
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Coming from Queens, this felt like it took forever. Probably because we had to take Micah in and out of the stroller to go up and down subway stairs and we had to transfer trains. Again, hubby wins the prize because he did all of the navigating. Thankfully because of him, we never took the wrong train or got lost. 
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I was busy keeping Micah entertained and taking pictures (I’m always the photographer on our trips). Weather was cloudy and chilly (high 60’s is chilly to Floridians). But as the day progressed the sun came out and it was gorgeous. High 70’s low 80’s. I dressed myself and Micah in layers for that reason. As the temp went up I peeled off the layers.
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Food
So as most of you know I am dairy, soy and egg free because of Micah’s intolerance’s to them. Total bummer because hello, PIZZA. :( But, NY is so accommodating when it comes to allergens. Almost every food spot had their ingredients listed and/or vegan meals on the menu. I was able to find a lot of options and if you know different foods, you know what you can eat. For example, I had a delicious Panang chicken Curry from a Thai joint. I knew it was usually made without soy sauce and is made with coconut milk and I simply confirmed with them before ordering. It was delicious. I also had an amazing dairy free sourdough flat bread with their house made vegan cheese in Grand Central Station. SO damn good. But my favorite was carne and pollo asada tacos from Los Tacos No.1 in Chelsea Market. Best tacos I have ever had. I cannot recommend going there enough! I ate like five of them and I had no shame haha! Being restricted from food has been tough so to find such delicious food that fit my diet made me feel so happy. We definitely will be going back as soon as I can have cheese so I can eat my heart out with pizza. If you also have a food intolerant little babe then you know how you always have a moment of fear when checking a diaper after eating something new. I cant tell you how many times I’ve been told in a restaurant  "no egg" or “no dairy” and then Micah’s poo goes from normal not smelly yellow poop to nasty, green, messy and smelly poo but we had none of that. :)
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Transportation
We only took a car ride to and from the airport. We used Lyft and it was very easy and not pricey. Besides that we either used the subways or the bus. We purposely chose NY as our first trip with Micah for this reason. We found it easier to go to a destination that we can walk around vs having to rent a car and drive. The subways were pretty easy to use. We filled up a metro card that we used for both the bus and subway rides. We didn’t spend very much at all. I loved taking the subway (minus the stairs part. I know I cant get over it lol). My husband used Google maps to figure out which ones to take and where we should transfer. For the most part it was not too busy and if the car was full we waited for the next one since we had the stroller. 
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People were awesome (except the ones that didn’t ask to give their seat) but that was expected haha. Almost everyone held a door open for us or asked if we needed any assistance when we were carrying the stroller. I really appreciated that. We walked. A whole lot. We walked half of Central park. We started at the museum. The museum is great but it was very busy when we went. Probably best for children a little older. The noise and stimulation was a little much for Micah so we didn’t do too many exhibits. After the museum we walked to the boating lake, Bethesda fountain and then through The Mall down to 57th. 
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There we walked around and then finally around 4pm we started to make our journey back to Queens so we could get some early rest for the next day. I think personally, Central Park was the highlight of the trip for me. There are so many artist and musicians. For some reason being surrounded by so much nature and natural beauty but having the city around was so cool to me. I absolutely loved it and would love to go back in the fall when all of the tree’s are changing colors or even in the winter to see The Mall covered in snow.
I highly recommend using a carrier. We used ours each day and it made getting around so much easier. Unless Micah was asleep in the stroller, we tried to consistently carry him so he wouldn't get sick of being in the stroller. The carrier we used is LilleBaby. This is really a great carrier with back support (super important especially for those heavier babies)
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 It was very comfortable to use and Micah loved it. We bought the Airflow model because its breathable and we knew we would be walking around outside with it. It also comes with a snap on hood.
On the second day we took it much easier. We got ready and headed out to midtown. We ate breakfast at Grand Central Station and then stayed around gawking at the beauty it is. 
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We decided to do a little shopping in H&M (that’s where I got my super cute jean overalls on sale. Yassss). I also had to nurse Micah in the fitting room because he is SO very easily distracted now when he nurses. After that we decided to keep walking and sight seeing. Finally we decided to hop on the train and head over to Chelsea Park for a bite to eat and to explore.
Micah took his naps like a champ. All on his own. He ate, babbled, laughed, played with strangers and then on his own in his stroller he would just knock out. Then repeat. Haha. We went to the Highline which I highly recommend. Id rate that 2nd for our trip. We started around 24th street where the elevator would have been but it was just our luck that it was broken. So we muscled up and carried everything up the stairs.
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We walked down to 18th on the Highline to look at the water and then like real tourist, we walked back to 24th only to realize that the Highline connects to Chelsea Market. Whoops number 2! Micah slept through it all and I had to wake him up once we were done so I could nurse him plus I thought the park was a nice place to do it. At Chelsea Market we went into every food spot like the foodies we are. I cant wait to return when im not on any kind of restricted diet!
On our last day the early AM flight we wanted to get on was full so we decided to hang around for a bit longer. We took the train and got off on the stop that took us to Gantry Plaza state park.
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Then we walked towards the park and took some more photos while sight seeing. We hopped back on the train to Queens and then made our way back to LGA.
I love this photo my husband took of me nursing Micah while waiting for the train in the subway. It was hot, Micah was fussy because he was hungry, and I finally had a moment to sit and nurse him. People think its so easy to just throw a blanket over your baby (which Micah HATES) or to wait until you are somewhere private. The truth is, a hungry baby waits for no one :)
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Over all we loved New York and we highly recommend it to any family that is looking to Travel to a family friendly destination. We cannot wait to go back. I hope you guys enjoyed this blog post as much as I did writing it. Hopefully you enjoyed it enough for me to continue blogging. :)
Thanks for reading!
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buffalowingsfortwo · 5 years
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faith’s entry 
august 27th, 2019
ash, 
my hydroflask has still not been turned in. i have a lot of faith in humanity, even to do something as simple as turn in a hydroflask that didn’t belong to them; so you can imagine my disappointment. perhaps this mindset is a naive one, but its one i won’t ever lose faith in—hydroflask returned or not. 
my first professor of the day is extremely attractive, he’s a father of two children, he cusses in class and supports socialism. he also actively makes remarks about hating trump. i know you would love him. classes here are surprisingly quite similar to being at avc (minus the run-down classrooms and strange people who manage to be in every single class). well, not completely. there is this one older lady in my physics class who wears a reddish/fuchsia lipstick (very smudged and very badly applied) who repeats everything she obnoxiously calls out during lectures at least three times. she would fit in at avc. 
after my first class, i had a five hour gap which i know we would have taken full advantage of had you been here or i, there. but neither of us are, so i went to the library, had lunch with some friends and then took a nap in my dorm. things go slowly here, which seems crazy because i’ve never been so busy in my life. everyone says nothing ever changes back home, that time stands still there. but you and i know that isn’t true. you and i know our hometown inside and out. from outside looking in, it might always look the same, but we notice when boom boom chicken upgrades from a cheap speaker in the corner of the restaurant to an actual sound system. you and i notice when that one stoplight gets fixed, when the movie theater gets new seats, when a store changes location at the mall and how that stupid, familiar desert is always, always changing. kinda like a river— they may look the exact same day after day, but the water in between never passes twice and is endlessly moving forward. 
in one of my lectures today, my professor said, “how do we know we are moving?” he gave an example of how if someone were in a moving train, completely pitch black, they would have no idea they were moving. they may feel movement, they may hear the sounds, but they still cannot be certain they are moving. so the answer is: the only way to know if you are moving, is if your scenery changes. im currently sitting on a roof terrance of the most beautiful library i have ever seen, overlooking a sunset fading into mountains. a bit different scenery from the suburbs, but i think it means more. i think that although things are different now, our scenery has changed, it simply means we are moving as we must. which totally sucks because i miss you. 
at some point, im gonna have to go back to my dorm and actually tend to my responsibilities and get ready for tomorrow. i might head to this thing we call the “family room” which is this room in each dorm hall that has a kitchen, couches, a table, a tv—a literal family room. but its nice because ill go there and just be on my laptop or eating some oatmeal and people just come in and you talk and chill in your pajamas and its nice. i wish you could experience it all with me, but the world isn’t that perfect and that’s fine because we’re still best friends. 
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jpy693en-blog · 5 years
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state of vermont insurance department
state of vermont insurance department
state of vermont insurance department
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