#if all the adults in our lives arent good enough to you ill be the adult for you.

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

on the verge of tears thinking about edyn tidestrider btw if you even care

[damnfandomproblems]

Both of these asks did not read my ask

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"I am so happy for this person that they have never had to experience the things that would make people bitter uncomfortable and upset about this kind of thing but this entire response is so rude and disrespectful ."

Cool. Good job assuming you know my life or struggles. Children shouldnt be shamed for having fun. I also literally said that they should be taught to be respectful and not to mock the disorder.

Tiktok is horrible about filters and pushing things to you that you dont want to see. Ofc its going to upset you to see kids do this all the time. The algorithm doesnt give you a choice.

What those people do online spreads misinformation and has actual consequences for people who are actually living with those things.

No one said they didnt.

If you’re old enough to be online you’re old enough to understand the consequences of your actions and when behavior is inappropriate.

Wrong. No one taught them. Humans do have a sense of right and wrong, but thats all it is. A sense. It takes experience and wisdom to learn what actually harms other and what doesnt. We are not born with these answers and no one is teach these children these things. Our society has changed drastically and basic respect and self discipline is almost a thing of the past.

Screaming at kids for just doing what they believe is having fun will not fix the problem of lack or respect and consideration they hold for others.

They make it much harder for self diagnosis to be taken seriously and when those who actually have something mention it online it gets discredited because of these people. It is an actual problem in our community’s and I do not appreciate the lack of understanding and dismissive nature this person has.

Indeed. It is a problem. But again shaming kids is not the solution. Doing so will just hinder their creativity and make them feel insecure.

Many of these kids are dealing with problems of their own. Theres a lot of neglect going on due to parents allowing their children to be raised on the internet. This is also causing the problems in behaviour we are dealing with. Many are depressed and are just looking to have a bit of joy in their life.

You cant just take it away from them. You cant tell them they arent allowed. You arent their parents but shaming them will just cause resentment and more aggressive behaviour.

If theres anyone who has a lack of understanding and dismissive nature it is you.

~~~~

The person was probably talking mostly about teenagers and adults doing this kind of thing not kids because that’s mostly who do it and they know better.

You should never assume some people "should" know better about niche topics. There are still adults and teens who arent terminally online or look for drama. Many just see a cool concept, get inspired, make a video and move on with their day.

Also from the way this person talks they have clearly never had to deal with anything (mental illness or otherwise ) that was later made trendy ( but only if you have a fun version obviously).

More assumptions. I dont owe you my diagnosis report.

I was relentlessly bullied for things I can’t control you can’t even begin to understand how it feels to log on one day and see countless people acting out stereotypes of the thing people torment you for and spreading wild amounts of misinformation.

:)

Because that’s a massive part of the problem

MISINFORMATION BEING SPREAD

Correct. Misinformation is a problem. But you are attacking the wrong people.

Cutting off the flowers but leaving the roots.

It may be fun and games to you but to people who actually have those things it’s incredibly hurtful and genuinely damaging irl and online there is no way to fake it without spreading misinformation

You know what's also damaging? Telling children to kill themselves over stuff like this. Because that's what a lot of people do. Ive seen it happen here on tumblr countless times. Blogs disappearing and many other going quiet only to then at some point have a family member or friend come on and announce their suicide on the page or on a different blog.

No one os saying the lack of respect, consideration and the abundance of misinformation ISNT a problem.

But driving people to suicide is not a solution. Shaming people for having fun just playing pretend is not the solution.

And yes there are those that know what they are doing is wrong. That still does not justify harassing them or suibaiting them. It does not matter how much it upsets you, you dont get to decide a random stranger on the internet deserves to die for it.

~~~~

Honestly i dont care what kids do for fun

My elder sister got really upset at our niece (10) for making an OC with a split personality because its "problematic" and shes met people who actually have DID so she cant stand her making a "disrespectful" character.

Its stupid. Our niece was just having fun and meant zero disrespect to people who actually deal with these kind of mental disorders.

Read this 10 times please ^^^

Its important that children learn about these things. Learn what they are and how they can affect the people that have them. Im not trying to say they shouldnt, but we shouldnt shame kids for having fun with the concept of these things either.

Note that i absolutely said this ^^^

Unfortunately the kids who started doing this trendy stuff were never taught about these disorders besides people online and eachother. But they werent wrong to be having fun with it. Just they should have been taught how to be respectful and not mock people who have these disorders and to learn that them pretending to have "alters" or characters in their mind to cope with boredom and the general shittyness of life is not the same as someone who was traumatized to the point of their mind actually splitting into two (or more) separate personalities and people (among other things) in order to protect itself.

Biggest paragraph here so how did you miss me saying this

Its the new "kinning" thing in alot of ways and really kids just need to be taught discipline and respect towards others. Many think being a mean bully is "edgy and cool" but when i was a child all the "edgy and cool" teens were scene kids and they were ACTUALLY the sweetest people i knew because they knew what it was like to be bullied and hurt by their peers. Its just a big problem of kids not being properly taught how to behave around people. Zero consequences for their actions and not learning to take responsibility for them too

Like seriously how do you read my ask this badly to have missed this

~~~~

I never said there weren't any problems. Especially about misinformation and people's behaviour. My point was about how no one should be shamed, harassed, anything else for exploring DID and the like as a concept.

There are better things you can do to alleviate the problems you are facing that ISNT driving people off the internet and to suicide. This "solution" is incredibly prevalent in these communities and only creates more negative stigma around people with these disorders, so i suggest you work on that first.

The behaviour of people, especially children cannot be fixed by the DID and neurodivergent community alone, but people will be more amenable to listening to you about your issues if you suggest compromise and understanding.

They are humans with their own problems going on and you need to treat them as such. You will find people who are completely unwilling, but you need to not focus so much on them and instead move on to paying attention to the people who are willing. Eventually the people who are willing will outnumber those that aren't. Just learn to stop treating people like shit and assuming they are always intentionally malicious and you'll find a lot more people are willing to help you.

Anon is replying to two several asks relating to Problem #4978.

[mooifyourecows]

my mom is super pissed and super dissapointed BUT knows i wasnt involved and understands why i didnt act differently so i think ill be okay with her. my sister who wasn't involved (my older sister) is super pissed, but again not so much with me but mostly with my other sister because she did participate , but my older sister did scream at me for a few minutes, which made her a little less mad, and i desereved it. she also cant yell at my other sister because shes actially fucking crazy when she has to face the consequences of her actions and would likely do something irreversable because she feels like shit about what happened nd my older sister knows that, which kind of pissed her off more, but i think itll mostly be okay.

ive also decided i will not see any of those people aside from my sister outside of school, and will not speak to them or interact with them unless they initiate, and i will keep it short. im tired of being dragged into shit that i dont wanna be a part of. also that boy did take responsibility for one of the things used being his, so hopefully my sister and i will not get drug charges , but my 'friends' literally said they lied to the police. i dont know if thats true or if they just dont want everyone to think they snitcehd , but i refuse to be involved with people who think its okay to break the law and when they get caught, to do it again. theyre stupid and i cant deal with that. especially when half of them are shitheads who dont like me anyways.

ive also decided to see if i can tutor after school and also write handwritten letters to the officers superintendent and principal to attempt to get my reputation back. i know you said it doesnt matter, and its probably pointless to even worry about, but i do really care what these people think of me, and i want them to trust me and believe in me and support me. i am nothing without my reputation and intelligence at this school. all these people have known each other since diapers and have lives to fall back on. they have family farms and loyal friends and support from their community. i dont have that so i want to earn support and loyalty and this is the only way i know how.

i really appreciate the support through all my struggles ive shared with you. even thought you arent in my life physically and youre just some cool person i know from the internet who writes silly stories i like , its nice to feel like someone cares about you. ive always found it difficult sharing my thoughts and feelings, especially with adults mostly because i didnt want to be judged, and i dont feel judged with you, and i can get advice from someone with more life experience. thank you for that. i hope youre doing well, especially after your surgery(?)

I'm proud of you for setting up new boundaries and distancing yourself from those people. But I hope you also know that its not fair for your older sister and mom to use you as a scapegoat because your other sister isn't mentally stable enough to take her fair share of the punishment. Just because she can't handle it doesn't mean you should have to handle double the dose of yelling and anger. That's not healthy, especially since you were already an unwilling party to that whole experience.

And I hope you realize that you have worth and value outside of what people think of you! It's okay to be concerned with your reputation but keep in mind that nobody will truly understand the real you because they're not in your head all the time. They will judge you on only what they see and believe about you so it's impossible to curate a perfect image. But that's okay! People aren't meant to understand one another to such degrees anyway. It's alright to be flawed. We are all just works in progress, trying our best to make the most of what we've got

You'll understand this more and more the older you get. And your desire to be seen in a good light by others will fade as you realize that yours is the one true opinion that REALLY matters. Once you start liking and respecting yourself, everyone else can take a long walk off a short pier 😌

Stay positive! Things can and will always get better 🖤

[branzycrafted]

that syscourse post just came up on our recommended which i find so ironic bc i read the post saying littles shouldnt have social media while scrolling through my own social media account as a little like. oh. ok.

its such a weird take like. i had to be the host for a while so it was fine for me to be in high school and working a job, but not to be online? like? i drove us to school at 6am but i cant look at #webkinz on tumblr?

and not to mention like. if we see dangerous things, we switch. and even if we cant switch, i can deal with it enough to block them or get the post off our dash. even if im small i still live in an almost adult system and i still understand what the brain understands and know some of what the brain knows, and that includes stuff like curse words ill see online and what tags i should block so i dont see weird things. if im ever fronting "alone," austin is usually there by default so theres still an adult alter to help if i need it, and if he isnt or if its too blurry, i was still a host and had to have times where i took care of myself and protected myself otherwise we wouldnt have gotten by during the time i was our host. and when im like smaller i have like an army of people who adopted me as their younger sibling (/hj) to monitor anything that we come across online, and theyre all adults/older people and most of them are protectors whos focus on fronting with me is to keep my spaces safe.

like. even the syskids that act like real children like toby and like me half the time, our brain has still seen what its seen and knows what it knows, we wont like discover bad stuff through social media, we were traumatized to be here and know bad stuff exists bc we went through it. and we know how to handle ourselves to survive and to function, i wouldnt have been a host if i couldnt do that. theres syskids with multiple roles and syskids who are hosts and syskids who are older or agesliders and syskids who are protectors and syskids who just know how to take care of the system, and in general, syskids arent like singlet kids in the sense that we have the lived experience of an older person and the brain of an older person. a 6 yr old singlet didnt go to highschool, i did, i can handle myself online and talk to people like im older even if im not bc our brain is still older than me and at the end of the day its also my brain. im a kid, but im not helpless. it would be more dangerous for null to be online than it would for me, or for bug despite them being an adult. an alter's vulnerability and capability has nothing to do with age.

they were so confident like it was such a hot take and such a good cool thing like it was so profound but it was so not. like. literally not at all

-🌼

(I hope you don't mind me answering like this let me know otherwise!!)

YEAH!!! Literally I saw that and was like "Well I literally know of child alters who don't act like little kids like you apparently think they all do", they were so confident in their take and the replies were like lol you're so wrong

We have adults in-sys who have been more vulnerable than the children sometimes???? It's so not about age?????? And again it's REALLY bold to go out and claim that every system ever that lets their littles/syskids touch social media is an idiot and not keeping them safe. Cause that also is So Wrong!! As far as I know we've had syskids on social media to some degree while actively being with someone that was watching over them??

Also!! Body age goes above alter age!! That goes both ways, it goes for adults in minor-bodied systems and minors in adult-or-almost-adult-bodied systems or whatever. A 9 year old in a system that's like 20 bodily would not at all be on the same level as a singlet 9 year old—

I recall one reply saying they should replace it with "vulnerable alters" if anything and yeah I to some extent agree, like still not necessary 100% true but it's better than just broadly saying littles/syskids. Literally just,, any alter considered vulnerable can do whatever it's just that they should have someone with them to keep them stable or safe or vice versa.

And again I think it's so hypocritical how they said "let the kids live" but were actively making a point that would not be "letting the kids live" cause like you said if you wanna go on social media to look at webkinz you should be allowed to, that's literally "letting the kids live", letting them look at things that bring them some kind of happiness or comfort. "Let the kids live but actually don't just coop them up in headspace cause they're oh so unsafe otherwise" lol

Grrrr child alter can literally work a job but can't go on social media to look at content relating to a kid's game >:((( WE'RE HERE BECAUSE OF TRAUMA BUDDY LIGHTEN UP A LITTLE

[brelione]

Love and Hate (The Best Boys)

dude come on. you said you’d upload the next chapter on christmas and now it’s been a whole week after and it’s still not out. :(, hi! when are you posting the next chapter of tbb??, tbb????, Are you posting the next chapter of best boys soon? I miss her, when will you be posting the next part of the best boys series??, Ok I’m over TBB I’m just gonna say she ends up with Blah Blah and they live happily ever after, the end. Thank you for the amazing read, it has been fun❤️, TBB is literally the last series I have to finish before I can finally peace out of the shithole that is the OBX fandom for good but like no rush or anything baby❤️,When do you think you’ll be posting the last chapters of TBB?, Hey queen how’s the writing for best boys going, 

Series Masterlist

SHES HEREEEE

Yes, im aware this chapter is all over the place. I went through writing four different versions of this chapter and this is the one that I decided to go with. I know that this one is kind of a little ahfioshviowenvionae but it all comes together next chapter (I already started writing the next chapter). Im so sorry that this is so late. I’ve been having issues for a little bit. My grandfather and my dog passed away and I recently had a relapse and I think that’s why it was taking me so long. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter <3

Warnings:Nothing really, swearing and unedited. Also im sorry if you dont like this chapter but like....yeah.

You were awoken to the sounds of screaming.Topper ended up at the foot of the bed, Kelce still clinging onto you.Rafe was absent from his spot but the mattress was still warm and had a slight dent which let you know that he hadnt been gone long.

You had spent most of the night trying to find the perfect spot on the mattress, one arm thrown over kelce and your heel against the back of Toppers thigh.It seemed like it hadnt been a super long time since the sun had risen which meant that it was probably around seven in the morning by now.

Your heart was thumping in your chest, trying to pay attention to what the voices were shouting.Something about a mess and irresponsibility but you couldnt hear much besides that.Rafe stomped up the stairs, opening his door.He was shirtless, face red from yelling and his eyes slightly watery.You sat up, making Kelce grumble.

 Rafe’s jaw was slightly dropped, his nose beginning to run and his body trembling.“Hey, what happened?”You asked, gaining Kelce’s attention.Topper’s eyes opened slightly, looking over at Rafe.The tall boy didnt say anything, he just dragged his feet across the room and sat back on the bed, mumbling.You were hesitant to grip his hand, squeezing lightly.

He just stared at a wrinkle in the blanket but the sound of something breaking downstairs told you that it had been more than just bickering.Kelce was worried, knowing that his parents had gotten home late last night and would see the mess he had created. “He doesnt want me living here anymore.”Rafe spoke up, a few tears rolling down his cheeks.

You pulled him closer to you, arms around his shoulders as he sobbed, your fingers rubbing against the back of his neck.He squeezed you tightly when he head footsteps coming up the stairs, silently praying to any god that would listen that it wouldnt be Ward.Kelce’s phone kept buzzing but he ignored it, knowing exactly what it was.

He knew that it was coming and he would be lying if he said that he didnt expect it, nervous the whole night as he waited for his phone to blow up.“What are you gonna do?”Topper asked.As much as you wanted to scold him for asking that when Rafe clearly didnt want to talk about it it was still something that you had also been wondering.

Rafe didnt answer, taking in a deep, shaky breath that hurt his ribs before picking up his head and looking over to his friend. “I dont know.”He admitted.His voice hurt your heart, the realisation kicking in that there wasnt really many places that he could go.

Kelce’s phone buzzed again, all of your eyes falling on him.He sighed, glancing at his screen.He had missed calls from his parents, dozens of text in all caps telling him to come home immediately. “They found the door.”He replied, keeping his voice calm.A new wave of silence washed over the room, not knowing what to say to that.

Your eyes watered as you remembered how simple life was a few weeks ago, all of you eating breakfast, watching criminal minds and laughing as Topper recorded it all on his snapchat.Now everything was completely falling apart.You didnt say anything, trying to think of a solution.Rafe couldnt go to Kelce’s house or Topper’s house since Topper’s mother had one of those security cameras outside of her home and she’d recognize him immediately.

She was still pissy about Topper’s accident, she’d explode if he let friends over. “SO what happens now?”Topper asked.You were all out of ideas.A simple drive or icecream or a movie couldnt solve any of this. “I mean...think about it.We’re adults, right?Child protective services cant stop us if we leave.”Kelce muttered.Rafe nodded, snapping his fingers.

 “Yeah, yeah!You’re right.”He agreed, causing your eyes to widen.They were acting insane. They couldnt be serious about just getting up and leaving forever, right? “No, no hes not.We cant just-we cant just leave!”You exclaimed.They were actually going crazy.How could they even think like that? “Why?What do you have here, (Y/N)?”He asked.You paused, thinking about it.

You didnt really have anything.You had your house of course but other than that you had nothing but memories and your boys.You didnt want to admit that he was right, letting out a quiet sigh. “But leaving forever isnt the answer.”You muttered.Rafe rubbed your back, shaking his head. “Doesnt have to be forever, baby.”He answered. 

“But- but just cause we arent kids doesnt mean we cant be registered as missing people.They’ll come after us.”You told them.You knew that nobody outside of this room actually cared about you enough to report you as missing but you were scrambling through your thoughts, desperately hunting for a reason to stay on the shitty island that you had learned to love so much.Topper shrugged, not really caring. 

“Guys, guys. Okay, look. You’re all fucked, ill admit it. But thats fine! Are you guys forgetting that I still have a house- you guys can just stay there until this whole thing blows over just like you always have!”You reminded them, hoping they’d agree. “This isnt gonna blow over, (Y/N). I cant come back here.”Rafe told you, becoming aggravated. 

“THEN MOVE IN! All of you guys, you can just move in, okay? You dont have to leave- I still have my moms money! We’ll figure it out as we go and…. And it’ll be fine.”You insisted. “Move in with you?”Rafe asked. You nodded, wiping your nose. “You practically live with me already, it wont be that different.”You told him, gripping his hand.

 It was a messy blur as Rafe packed his things, grabbing anything that he thought could be important. A photo of his mother, his birth certificate and diploma, laptop and ipad, the Frozen ll record. Kelce and Topper just watched, neither of them ready for anything like this so early in the morning. 

Maybe if you werent so tired and upset you wouldnt have said it, but here you were in Rafe’s truck, a dufflebag full of his things at your feet with the boys in the backseat as he drove to your house, a few tears rolling down his cheeks as the thoughts finally took over his brain. Kelce had got aggravated and shut down his phone entirely, staring out the window. 

The last thing you were expecting was to come down your road only to see a car that was practically falling apart already in your driveway, a tall man with his hands over his forehead as he tried to look in your windows. “What the fuck….”Rafe muttered, reaching for the door handle when you gripped his hand. “Dont, we dont know what he’s doing.”You told him, hoping he’d listen.

 Turns out he wasnt the one you had to worry about, Kelce swinging his door open and sprinting up your driveway before anyone could even stop him. Wherever Kelce went Topper went, the boy struggling to get the seatbelt over his cast before jumping out of the truck and nearly falling into a puddle. “ESCUSE ME! MR SIR! WHAT ARE YOU DOING LOOKING IN MY HOUSE?”Kelce shouted, purposely making his voice deeper.

 The man turned, confused as to why two half asleep teenage boys were walking towards him. “Your house?”The man asked. “Yes, sir. You ever heard of a gay couple before?”Topper asked, making Kelce break character for a moment. 

“Well, no, its not that. Its just that I thought this was someone elses house.”The man muttered, confused. You had slid down your seat, hoping that the man wouldnt see you. “He’s about to leave.”Rafe whispered. 

“Who’s the other guy in the car?”The man asked, pointing to Rafe’s figure. Kelce glanced over at Topper with wide eyes, trying to think. “Our son.”Kelce replied, cringing the moment he said it. The man only looked more confused, looking between the two boys. “How old are you guys?”The man asked, clearly not buying their story. 

“Excuse me? Are you saying that we’re too old to have a son? I did not spend years training for a medical degreee to have some random old man come and tell us how old our son can be!”Topper exclaimed.  “I didnt spend years trying to find a surrogate and figuring out a way to make a robot nanny for this!”He sighed, trying his best not to smile.

“Could you please leave the property before we call the police?”Kelce asked. The man was beyond confused at this point, quickly making his way to his shitty car before slowly backing out of the driveway, eyes still scanning the area before he gave up and went down the street. 

You let out a sigh of relief, moving to get up when Rafe placed his hand on top of your head to keep you down. “Hes coming around again.”He whispered to you, taking in a shaky breath and holding it in his lungs as the car passed a second time. Topper and Kelce were standing by the door, staring at Rafe almost as telling him to get out and make a run for it.

 “Open the door in 3...2…”You didnt wait, jumping out and running towards the house, typing in the key pad as quick as you could, Topper’s hand pushing you inside. “Here he comes again!”He exclaimed, coming in right behind you along with the others before Rafe slammed the door shut and locked it, letting out a laugh.

 “Oh god, that was scary.”He chuckled. Kelce and Topper nodded as well, eventually laughing. “Was that my dad?”You asked. “Maybe.”Topper answered. Now that you thought about it, your dad didnt same important. Nothing did. You lived on a huge rock that’s floating around space and you’re concerned about your dad when your boyfriends best friends are moving in.

 “What’d you tell him?”You asked. “We told him that we’re a gay couple, Topper’s a doctor and Rafe is our child.”Kelce replied. You giggled, snorting. “I mean, as you should.”You replied. “Hell yeah.”Kelce grinned. Topper tapped at his arm. “Bro, you wanna get married?”Topper asked. Kelce laughed again, nodding.

 “I’ll get baptised and get you guys married!”Rafe volunteered, all of you turning to look at him. “Did you just say baptised?”Kelce asked. Rafe nodded, eyebrows furrowing. “Is that not the right word?”He asked. Topper shook his head. “The word is ordained.”He informed the tall boy. “He’s trying his best.”You replied, sitting down on the chair that you werent used to sitting in. 

“You think he’s gonna come back?”You asked. Topper groaned, sitting down. “Well, I hope not. I dont want my husband and I to have to fight him.”He grinned. You rolled your eyes, changing positions in the chair. “Did he look like me?”You asked, leaning your head against the arm rest, groaning when Rafe pushed your legs aside and sat down with you.

 “Not really… he had rat tails for eyebrows.”Kelce replied, putting his fingers over his eyebrows. “Do I have rat tail eyebrows?”You asked, grinning when Rafe reached forward and poked your eyebrow, a chuckle slipping past his lips. “You wish.”He replied. “Fuck off.”You answered. “Dont be fucking rude.”He grinned, kissing you quickly before pulling away with a small smile. 

You were shocked, trying to hide your surprise. It wasnt like you werent used to kissing Rafe by now, it was just that he had never done it in front of the boys before. They looked nearly as confused as you, the thought of Rafe kissing you in front of them never even being a concern until now. They were used to him getting most of your love and attention but that had just stirred something within them. 

“So how are we gonna do this? I dont know about you guys but im not going back to my house anytime soon.”Kelce announced. Rafe lifted his head, looking over to the boy. “You could always sneak in your own window to grab your things...maybe wait until theyre at work. What about you, Top?”Rafe asked, turning his attention to the blonde boy. 

“What do I have at my house that I need? Like, really need.”He asked, grinning when none of you could answer. “Problem solved.”He replied. “What time is it?”Rafe asked, breaking the silence. “Ten.”Kelce replied, closing his eyes as he leaned against the couch. “Im going upstairs to take a nap then.”Topper yawned, slowly making his way down the hall into the first floor guest room. 

It was arguably the worst since it also worked as your moms office, a queen bed pushed into the corner. You wiggled out of Rafe’s grip, smiling when he whined. You went into the kitchen, grabbing a poptart. For the situation you felt rather calm, opening the silver package and taking a bite of one of the sweet pastries. 

The energy in the house felt different than it had yesterday. You werent sure why, maybe it was just the comfort of knowing that the boys were going to be living with you now and you wouldnt have to worry as much about Rafe or Topper’s relationship with his mom. 

“So how are we gonna handle this?”Kelce asked, confusing you. “The house, I mean. You have this whole house and like...30 million dollars. We can literally redecorate however we want, maybe even clean out your moms office if youre okay with it.”He suggested. 

You nodded, the idea of getting the memory of your mother cleansed from your life sounded appealing. His excitement took over as he opened his amazon prime app, looking for new decor. “How do you feel about your moms room?”He asked, not wanting to push your limits. You shrugged, swallowing part of the pastry. “Shes not using it.”You replied, surprised by how morbid you sounded. 

He simply nodded, shifting in his seat as he added things to his cart. “Can we redo your room? It’s been the same color since we were fourteen.”Rafe suggested. You shrugged, not really caring. You didnt spend a large amount of time in your bedroom anyways. You scrolled through your phone for a few minutes, seeing a little red bubble next to your messaging app that let you know that you had gotten a text. Curious, you opened it. 

As soon as you saw who it was a pit grew in your stomach, eyes widening. It was her. “Sweet words, (Y/N).”The text read. You knew that it was your uncle just trying to mess with you but it still caused your anxiety to skyrocket, deciding to block the number and place your phone between your thighs, taking in a deep breath through your nose. 

Topper dragged his feet, coming out of the room with a frown. “That’s the most uncomfortable bed in all of history.”He muttered, sitting down on the couch instead. “You can go upstairs.’You reminded him, feeling your phone buzz against your inner thigh. 

He just hummed, leaning his head against the back of the couch. “How long was I in there?”He asked. “Literally not even ten minutes.”Kelce replied, still scrolling. “Did I miss anything?”Topper asked. You didnt reply, breaking off another piece of the poptart. “We’re gonna redecorate the house.”Kelce answered. Topper nodded, lifting his head.

 “Does that mean that office too?”Topper asked. You nodded, staring at a spot on your carpet. “Does that mean we get to open the file cabinet in the guest room?”He asked, all of you looking over at him. The thought made you feel nauseous. Even if she wasnt here to yell at you you knew that opening the file cabinet would still scare you anyways. 

“If theres a dead body in there I swear to god-”You muttered, earning a chuckle from Rafe. “A body couldnt fit in there.”he replied, making your eyebrows furrow. “How do you know where bodies can fit?”You asked. “No, no. Like, its not….well...maybe a raccoon body.”He admitted. “Rafe!”You exclaimed, smacking his thigh. 

He rolled his eyes, pulling you into his lap. “There’s no raccoon body.”He answered. “I think theres a raccoon body.”Kelce replied. “Theres not.”You answered. Topper grinned, skipping into the room and beginning to open the cabinet, the three of you following him. “Okay, who votes raccoon body?”He asked, his hand on the knob. 

Kelce raised his hand, grabbing your arm to make you hold your hand up as well. “Ready?”Topper asked before pulling the door open, looking into it. His face fell immediately, not expecting this. “What?”You asked, stepping past Kelce and looking into the cabinet.Guns were being held by small metal pieces, multiple clear bags full of plants and needles on the floor, bullets on sashes hanging with the guns.

 The two of you just stared, ignoring Rafe and Kelce until they came up behind you, equally as confused. “What the fuck?”Rafe asked, seeing the bags. Kelce slammed the doors shut, locking it. “We’re not telling anyone about this, right?”He asked, looking at all of you. “What are we gonna do with all that? We cant just keep it here!”Topper argued. 

Rafe shrugged, resting his elbow on your shoulder. “We smoke the weed and throw the guns in the river, obviously.”Rafe answered. “We’re not smoking weed, Rafe.”You answered. “Well your mom didnt have a liscense to carry, right?”Kelce asked. You shook your head, figuring it would be hung up somewhere in the house to remind you of the power she had.

 “Right, okay. So we cant call the cops and we cant keep it here.”Kelce answered, clicking the lock on the cabinet. “What’d your mom even do for a living?”Topper asked. You frowned, thinking back. You never really knew what your mother did, you just stayed quiet and hoped you wouldnt make her angry. She’d disappear for months, money would appear in your bank account, she’d pay the bills aned thats all you needed to know. 

She’d have long phone calls with people in her office, grounding you if you even dared to listen. “I dont know.”You replied, cringing at how stupid you sounded. “She has these cabinets all over the house, doesnt she?”Kelce asked. “The one in her room is actual files.”You told him, hoping that there were no sorts of hidden things in her room.

 “Should we go check?” Rafe asked, out of the room with a grin before any of you could even answer. You sighed, slightly annoyed that he was treating this like a scavenger hunt. “Its been here this whole time, im sure nothings gonna happen.”Kelce assured you, patting you on the shoulder before his fingers tickled your arm and wrist, gripping your hand and bringing you upstairs. 

“I ordered some tapestries, succulents, fake vines and some new blankets for our new movie room.”He told you, nearly slipping up. “Movie room?”You asked, nearly slipping on the stairs. “Your mom has a big tv, I figured it could be like a second living room if you’re comfortable with that.”He answered, pausing at the top of the stairs so he could wait for you. 

Rafe was in your mother’s room, carefully pulling on the drawers, eventually finding out that the top one was locked. He looked over at you, silently asking if you knew where the key was. You shook your head, letting go of Kelce’s hand and opening the bottom drawer of the filing cabinet, the hairs on the back of your neck standing up. 

Your mother kept most of your medical documents and anything like that to herself along with basically everything that proved you existed. Baby photos, ultra sounds, old school tests. “We could just move it into the other guest room.”Rafe muttered, hoping he wasnt making you upset. You ignored him, looking through all the little colored tags, your eyes falling on a silver tag, your eyebrows furrowing. No other ones had that color. 

You picked it up, sitting down and reading it over. The words were all bundled together, ink scratches and smudges told you that it wasnt a serious document. The only word you could make out was ‘arsonist’. Nothing else was eligible. “Can we take it right now?”You asked, placing the paper on the floor and closing the drawer. Rafe nodded, Kelce grabbing one side while Rafe grabbed the other. Topper grinned, leaning against your mothers unused desk.

 “I would help but my arms broken.”he laughed, watching as Kelce struggled, walking backwards. “Some moral support would be great.”Kelce rolled his eyes. You grinned, slowly clapping. “Great job, guys. You’re doing great moving that illegal file cabinet.”You held back a laugh. They turned carefully, shuffling as they eventually got to the guest bedroom.

 “How do you feel about this?”Topper asked, sitting down on the chair. You sighed, shrugging. “I mean, you know. Its not that I dont love the idea of you guys being here but like… its the circumstances.”You answered, sighing when he pulled you closer with his good arm, rubbing your back. “Thanks a lot for this, though. Like in all seriousness im really grateful that you’re in my life.”He blushed, looking up at you. You smiled, kissing his nose lightly.

 “I mean, I do provide you with half of the drama in your life.”You giggled, kissing him gently. “Where does the other half come from?”He asked. You shrugged, sighing. “Probably you.”You answered. “I cant believe you’d say that to me! You know im at a bad place in life and you put me in this terrible situation when you know that!”He fake cried, bursting into laughter. 

“Kourtney dont laugh at me!”You exclaimed. You felt a vibration under your feet, hearing a loud, dramatic sigh and the sound of skin colliding. They had successfully moved the file cabinet, the door closing as their loud footsteps hit the floor as they entered your mother’s room again. Rafe took a moment to look around, sometimes forgetting that the room even existed. 

It was the biggest room in the house, the ceiling going up at least twenty feet with only glass separating the room from the outside world. His mind wandered, thinking of all the fun nights the two of you could have in here watching the stars or listening to the rain.

 The bed was large and still, the blankets and sheets unwrinkled and untouched. He understood why you were creeped out by the house now, feeling like he didnt belong in the room. You all took turns trying to figure out what the writing said, eventually deciding that it probably wasnt even in english. “Should we put it through google translate?”Rafe asked, staring at the paper. 

Kelce shook his head. “Nah, its not reliable. I tried using it for spanish class in freshman year and I got detention.”He replied. “Well thats definitely not spanish. Maybe its like…. Ancient text.”Topper suggested, causing you to frown. “I highly doubt that my mother would know an ancient text. 

Maybe we should just leave it.”You answered. Although you werent exactly satisfied with it you just didnt feel like spending your time trying to decode a random paper. They didnt seem satisfied either but didnt want to push you, putting the paper down on the desk where it would be safe from your footsteps. 

Of course the boys just couldnt stay at the same place for long periods of time, deciding to suggest that you guys go out to a store to get some paint for the boring walls. You agreed, the four of you getting into your car instead of Rafe’s truck, locking all the doors and windows before you left. 

Kelce didnt suggest a McDonalds run which caused you to frown, knowing that he was probably too stressed to want to eat. You guys went into Walmart with one goal, heading right for the paint section and looking at the wall of colors. “Lets get four colors and kind of just make it up as we go.”Kelce muttered, looking at all the different shades.

 “We could all pick one out.”Topper suggested, reaching forward and picking a bright green. You agreed, picking a shade of light purple, watching as Kelce picked the color toffee biscuits and Rafe went for cotton blue. You doubted any of the colors would actually look good together but that wasnt the point of the project. 

It was more about making the room look fun rather than nice. Kelce grabbed a few large paint brushes, the four of you leaving before you could get distracted by anything that you didnt need. Topper decided to get right to work, spilling some paint on the floor as he dragged the brush along the wall, creating bright stripes.

 “I have an artistic vision! Trust the process!”He exclaimed, feeling your judgemental eyes on him. You didnt say anything, watching Kelce struggle to connect his phone to your speaker, playing the first song on his playlist. 

Line without a hook. Topper looked over at you, almost like he was silently asking you if you had told the boys about his top secret playlist. You shrugged, not wanting to give anything away to the others.

 “Oh my god, I love this song.”Rafe dunked his brush in the light blue, making a smiley face on the wall. “Can I paint an onion?”He asked. You raised your eyebrows, not understanding why he wanted to put an onion on the wall. 

“Ogres are like onions! We have layers!”Kelce laughed. “Who is we? Are you an ogre, Kelce?”Topper asked, not taking his eyes off of the bright stripes, painting a circle on the top. “Topper Harry Katherine Thornton, are you painting a penis on my wall?”You asked, connecting the dots. 

He grinned, ignoring you. “Of course not.”He replied, painting frantically so that you couldnt stop him, green drops rolling down the wall. You picked up your paint brush, painting two circles quicklly before pushing the brush into the center of each, laughing to yourself.

 “Guys, really?”Rafe asked. “Cant we make the wall wholesome?”He asked. You shook your head, a smile on your face. “Says you of all people, Rafe.”You shook your head. “She got you there.”Topper replied, dragging the brush across the painting and blending it out so there was no longer a penis on your wall. 

“What are you doing now?”You asked, wanting to one up him. “What are you doing now?” He mocked you. Somehow you ended up splashing Topper with paint and getting tackled into the mattress as he held the paintbrush over you, trying to get the bright green liquid on your face while you held his arm back. 

“Im gonna murder you!”You laughed, rolling over under him so your face was against the mattress. “Im gonna paint your hair!”He laughed, holding the brush just above it. “Topper, dont mess with her hair.”Kelce took the brush away. 

Topper groaned, falling next to you on the mattress. His eyes were closed, the sun from the window casting a beautiful glow over his face, a small smile tugging at the side of his mouth. You pressed a kiss to his cheekbone, your arm resting on his torso. 

It didnt take long for painting to be forgotten, a few cheap bristles sticking to the wall with messes of colorful lines and unfilled shapes. The song changed, followed by a loud gasp from Rafe. “This is my favorite song!”He smiled, hitting his knees with his fists repeatedly. 

He didnt know what about it made him so happy, whenever he heard it it reminded him of you guys. “You know what we should do?”Topper asked. “No.”Kelce replied while Rafe rewinded the song to listen to his favorite part again. 

“We should make soup. Like, spicy soup with potatoes.”He replied, mouth watering. “We could just order soup.”Kelce replied, not in the mood to go downstairs and hunt for ingredients. “Order soup from where?”Topper asked. Kelce simply shrugged, shifting around and putting his arms under his body.

That had been a week ago. Since then a lot had happened. You guys had developed a system, Kelce could do his laundry on Saturdays, Rafe on Mondays and Topper’s just got mixed in with yours.

 It was a love and hate relationship to have them there with you. You didnt regret your decision but sometimes things would get difficult. Grocery shopping was the worst since nobody could decide what they wanted and you had all agreed not to eat out as much. 

“We need an actual meal, we cant just eat chips for everything.”Topper would grumble, realising he didnt even really know how to cook. That just lead to late flights of searching for recipes o pinterest and watching Gordon Ramsey tiktoks until they decided to try and make bake and shake chicken. That didnt really work out well, having to open all of your windows and get the smoke out of your house. 

Then you guys decided to take a new approach, finding a ton of frozen pizzas and ingredients for sushi. Kelce was the only one who had any idea of what he was doing since he had always been talented in the kitchen, specifically with breakfast. That became more of a safe meal for you guys, making extra food in the morning to eat later for dinner until you got sick of toast, eggs and bacon. 

Kelce ended up banishing you all to the pool so that he could decorate properly, vines hanging from the door ways and landscape tapestries hanging in your living room, hallway and your mother’s old bedroom. “How long do you think he’s gonna be?”You asked, floating on your back in the shallow end, letting out a yelp when Topper grabbed you and dragged you to the deep end. 

“I dont know, probably like three days.”He replied, finally letting go once you were in the middle of the pool. “We could survive three days in the pool.”You replied, watching Rafe shake his head. “With my allergy to the sun?”He asked, making you turn over, going underwater for a moment. “You dont even sunburn.”You told him, splashing water in his direction before swimming away quickly so that he couldnt get back at you.

 Kelce kept getting calls from his parents that were asking him to come home but he never did. They knew where he was, if they wanted him back so badly they’d drive over and take him away. “Guys, i’ve finished my creation.”Kelce announced, coming outside. “So we can come in now?”Topper asked, gripping the ledge of the pool and pulling himself out, falling onto his stomach as he struggled to get up.

 “Yes, you can come in now! Hurry!”Kelce yelled excitedly before going back inside, waiting impatiently for you guys to hurry. Rafe helped you out of the pool, tossing you your towel so that you wouldnt trail water through your house. “Guys! Come on!”Kelce shouted again, the three of you walking across the hot pavement quickly.

 “I’ll clean up the water after- just come see what I did!”He said again. You rolled your eyes, walking into the house. Goosebumps formed on y0our skin from the cool air, eyes widening as you looked at the kitchen. He had bought a plaid tablecloth for the table, vines hanging from the ceiling and doorways, a tie dye tapestry hanging in your living room. It looked like he had taken the time to wipe down every surface and vacuum any mess of broken spaghetti or eggshells that had been kicked under the fridge.

 “Do you like it?”He asked, unable to read your shocked expression. “Kelce, im gonna be honest with you. I feel like im in pixie hollow right now.”You grinned, making him smile. “I think thats a good thing- but upstairs is better!’He exclaimed before making his way up the stairs. He was right. 

There were marble heart shaped tiles hanging on the walls of the hall, a sign on the new hangout spot that was made out of drift wood. He opened the door, revealing bean bag chairs on the floor, a new carpet, a light yellow canopy hanging over the bed that had all new sheets and blankets on it as well. 

He had even somehow managed to fix the paint on the wall so that there were different colored polka dots all over it. The boys seemed equally impressed, still taking it in. You hugged Kelce, not even caring that you’d get his clothes wet. “So I did good?” He asked, hugging you back. “You always do good.”You replied, feeling him hug you tighter.

 “So you’re happy?”He asked, letting out a small sigh when you nodded. “I am happy, Kelce.”you replied, kissing him lightly. He smiled against you, taking in a deep breath. “I found a new recipe for fancy grilled cheese.”He told you, kissing your forehead. This was something that you loved about having them live with you.

@sweetlittlegingy​    @nicolefarley603 @ilikealotofpeople-younotsomuch @newsies-yeet​ @butgilinsky​ @jjjmaybank​ @gracelovesbroadway​  @one-stella @spn-marvel-nerd @lovelyelinor​ @chinamolina602  @sexytholland @28cnn  @popcrone818 @fttayla @cherryobx​ @n1ghtsh4d3-67​ @drewstarkeyobx​ @poguestyleskye​ @judayyyw​ @jjtheangel @jj-iz-bae@sunwardsss @meaganjm  @sarcasticsagittarius1998​ @natalie-kate-98​ @nxsmss​ @broken-jj @joshy-obx @classygirlything  @annmariek8​ @stupidpendeja​ @killjoyybsinner @pink-meringues @outerbongs​  @copper-boom​  @httpstarkey​ @teenwaywardasgardian   @simonsbluee  @deionswannabegirl​ @jiaraendgame  @khiaraaa-in-spacee​  @on-socks-off  @abbiesthings @kindahavefeelingskindaheartless @dmonchld​​@annmariek8 @harryswigss​ @ibookofstars​  @lostaurorax​​ @cheshirecat107​​​

[thechangeling]

Hi...

So I might be neurodivergent...

How can I be sure?

Without a professional...

How much surety can I get and how?

Hi!

Fair warning this is gonna be long. I'm sorry.

Ok first of all the term neurodivirgint is pretty broad actually. It just means not neurotypical. So if you have any sort of mental disability or illness, that would make you neurodiverse if you wanted to use that label. It's not just autism and ADHD which is a common misconception.

But if you think you're autistic then I can help you. Maybe. First off, resources. There are a lot of resources here on tumblr like the actuallyautistic tag. I know it seems unprofessional to get your resources from tumblr but most well known and profession published peices are by doctors or parents if children with autism. Hot take, there is nothing any doctor can teach you about autism that I can't teach you. Or any other autistic person. We are the experts on ourselves.

I reccomend following autistic creators on tumblr and also on tiktok since that's where most of the action is. Also books written by autistic people if you're interested in that. All The Weight of Our Dreams is good. It's about living as a POC with autism but I reccomend reading it still if you're white like me because it's a good resource. Also Neurotribes which actually isn't written by an autistic author but is very well researched and includes quotes from autistics. It goes into talking about ABA and institutionalization though so if you might be triggered by that it's best to avoid. I also reccomend checking out ASAN and the autistic women's and nonbinary network.

In terms of diagnosis it depends on a lot of things. If you are an adult, getting an assessment can be tricky.It's pretty expensive if you go through a private clinic and if you go through any sort of facility connected to your local hospital then I think you can use your insurance but depending on where you live it might not cover it. If you live somewhere that does not have free healthcare then I think it might be pretty pricey. Idk I live in Canada.

The truth is I got my diagnosis when I was two years old. I was incredibly lucky and privileged enough to have my mom know someone who worked with kids with learning disabilities and got me to see a specialist for free. But the truth is this is rare. If you are a girl or basically anyone who is not a cisgender boy you will have a harder time getting a diagnosis due to stigma. Also if you aren't white.

If you are a minor you need your parents consent to get you an assessment. I would advice you to look up the process in your country and local area to figure out how things work. Usually you need your family doctor to refer you to a psychiatrist who will refer you to a specialist.

Yes I'm sorry I know this is complicated. This is why most people just self diagnose instead. There's nothing wrong with self diagnosis especially if you are anything other then a white cis boy. The system is stacked against you. They don't wanna believe you're autistic because you don't fit their narrative. If you genuinely have done a ton of research and you believe that you are autistic then you probably are. I believe you.

If you do want to proceed with getting a diagnosis though, be warned that the process is pretty long and invasive. I had to get reassessed when I was 17 for college so I could get a college IEP. (Individual Education Plan) and that was pretty stressful.

You can't get educational accommodations without a diagnosis though, or disability cheques from the government. However if you get a diagnosis you can't get married depending on where you live. It's complicated.

In terms of ADHD basically the same rules apply for information. Tumblr, tiktok, tags, creators, find info etc. There are more resources written about ADHD by people with ADHD because no one lets autistics self advocate! I am actually self diagnosed with ADHD so I can't talk you through the diagnosis process. There is still the same stigma surrounding women, nonbinary people, trans men and POC though but it's lessened a bit more then autism.

If you wanna talk to someone who has a diagnosis then @doitforthecarstairs is good (I think they have a diagnosis. Forgive me if I'm remembering wrong)

If you can't figure out whether you have autism or ADHD or both then honestly you are not alone. There is a lot of cross over. Basically the one main difference is hyperfixations vs. Special interest. Focusing on one thing very intensely for like a week then getting bored and moving on is hyperfixating. You might still like the thing afterwords but you arent focusing on it so intensely anymore. This is binge watching a show in like 12 hours, no stopping and no breaks. If you can tear through ten episodes without even flinching, you are probably neurodiverse.

Special interests are long term hyperfixations that can last for years. It's basically a hardcore obsession with something that you love, and all you want to do is talk about that thing and all you ever do is think about that thing. You usually end up with a special interest that matches your personality pretty well.

Sorry I know this is a long post. Hopefully it helps.

[tylerwritez]

Tuesday, june 22 2021

I've noticed I'm getting "the shiverys" or "the twitchy" a lot today. Like every time I FEEL something I take a moment to violently tic.... every time I think about certain things I tic.... good things, bad things, things from an hour ago and things from years ago. Tic, tic, tic.

Also, I have... some stuff to explain. Its really no big deal, but you know me: I'll freak out about it anyway. Basically I dissed my friend (rightfully so) around the time that we had just met cos they did something that threw me off.

He saw it in my phone... NOW. it's not RELEVANT anymore and I've since redacted that criticism...and now I gotta explain it to him anwyays. Oh well. I'm good at this stuff. I can get myself outta any situation. I dont even know why I'm talking like this tho... it's not a "Situation" it's just smthn I gotta explain rq.

Oh, today's song recommendation is Spirit Crusher by Death. I'm a huge Death fan...

Also! I gotta study... for my replacement exam. How stressful. Its about photosynthesis, but like, it's not simple. We went DEEP inside those fucking leaves.

One sec, lemme hook up my IV tube

Not an ACTUAL IV tube... just my headphones. But since I'm so #emo, it might as well be a fucking IV tube with the way that I cant live without it.

Its 3:08 and I'm walking home now. I was upset last night but me and Star have made up now lol... it was thAt easy. I'm so defective, making shit hard when it doesnt need to be.

It's so hot out damn. Idk. I had school today, so I had Bio class... I ACTUALLY PAID ATTENTION for once. I had lunch with Star and her friend group, and I honestly kinda feel like they're MY friends now too, even just a little bit.

Actually, I used to rant about feeling lonely like all the time but now I have so many friends it's crazy they all keep inviting me places and it's like people WANT ME AROUND... idk. It makes me happy.

Today I gotta ask if tommroow after school I can go to Bee's house to watch Supernatural (famous homoerotic ghost show)

I should also add songs to Erin's spotify playlist for our picnic saturday which I still need permission to go to.

I gotta ask for Wednesday after school to watch Insidious with Jay  which is apparently really good

Also hes the friend that I gotta explain stuff to... the DrAmA... the ThEaTrE....

Update my dad said yes to hanging out with Bee but first I'm gonna miss school to fix my broken brackets on my braces

Also turns out the house I THOUGHT we were moving into has substantial damage from shifting so... we aRENT moving there.

In case you didn't know, shifting is when like the house that's been built literally SHIFTS like it moves around.

Anwyays Jay just texted me... I'm gonna change into shorts since it's hot, set up my study area,.... and respond to him.

The time is 3:22 p.m.

Wish me. Luck.

Luck is plentiful! As it so often is in my risky, risky life.

I play my cards right. It's a learnt skill.

But also there wasnt much to explain since it passed already and was tiny anywyas.

XD so I've made up with the whole goddamn world by now.

Its 6:31, we saw 1 house. Only one. Its kinda hot out but I'm gonna bike now since we just had supper. I finally finished my homework... I just have to finish one mixed media piece as my final project for art!

Friday is my replacement. On photosynthesis and cell resp. We know this. But what I didn't mention, or I dont THINK I did, is that if I finish my art project before then I have the second block FREE!!! Me, Star, and her friend

A are planning to leave for second block and maybe get mint chocolate chip ice cream!

Also I might eat her out XD

Anyways idk. I hope I can bike tonight to call Jay.

I keep accidentally using people's real names here then having to correct it... I dont know how much i care about MY identity being discovered... but to have my friends doxxed would suck.

Man I feel bad abt saying fuck star last night cos we made up....

Wait we r looking at another house? Idk I'm in the car still waiting to go home

Oh wait no now we r goin home

Its 6:39... I hope I still have time.

I went biking, called Jay. Went home. Idk, friendly conversation... we talked more tonight and I also talked to my other friend A. Jay is... I LOVE HIM?? SO MUCH??? I feel so happy. Talking to him thinking about him seeing his STUPID FUCKING FACE JESUS. his eyes alone... I could stare at his face all day probably. I want to kiss him... hOLD HIS HAND... omg... huG HIM!!! Eofjwpxjwie he's so sweet like I can't even... and I'm proabably not good enough for him like. Wtf. Hes easily a 10. And I dont rate things outta 10. How tf do I end up with HIM? Doing stuff, as friends. Like wHAT. I guess I got lucky XD. He says he loves my personality and I'm hot XD ofc I dont see it myself. But like. JESUS CHRIST he could proabably easily pull whOever. XD me?

Whatever though. As long as we r together and stuff. I LOVE HIM A LOT. he said he loved me. Every time he says that it makes me so overly happy.

Maybe I'm just sappy and stuff.... whatever. I think it would be nice to be hugged by him.

Yeah I'm cheesy.

I'm sorta tired now so maybe I'm not writing the best.

I just keep thinkinf about love. Love is a muscle of evil suggestion. But how evil can it really be? I am just a human being and that is all. Everything else is applied. I am just a human being with soemthing in my heart that pulls me all over the place. Love is this strange thing because I'm fucked up and to be able to love without that fucked up part of me, without the damage... is this complicated, hard thing to do and I can NEVER tell if I'm doing it right but I know I'm DOING IT. I know I FEEL LOVE. And soemtimes it's such an intense thing like when you go to surf on a wave at the beach with ur belly but u hit it wrong and it's so big and overwhelming it washes over you and PULLS you down to the bottom and smushes your face into the sand and YOU CANT BREATHE jesus Christ it's like that.

Or maybe I just want to experience love as it should be felt.

Obviously all of my problems surrounding this Damage could be easily fixed if I went to therapy but. there are reasons I can't.

I LOVE a lot. Too much for my own good. Enough to hurt me, get me into trouble, etc etc but also... enough to liberate me. I LOVE. I love Jay. So much. LIKE. MY BRAIN ORBITS AROUND HIM CONSTANTLY THINKING OF HIM AND PRAISING HIM AND MWUAH HE IS SO LOVELY I BOW BEFORE HIM...

I think as much as I love, a lot of the times I tend to focus even more on BEING loved.

If I am told I am loved, and shOwN I am loved... it is one of the most powerful things. Especially since I was literally emotionally neglected in childhood... yeah. I feel like I'm always trying to fill that hole.

Not EVERY feeling I have is for that reaosn but sometimes, if you tell me you love me, show me you love me, hug me,... I'll like start crying,,, that's the childhood emotional neglect kicking in. If you call me #smol and #cute and say I look young and fragile which happens more often than you'd think XD, I know I'm not supposed to like that shit, so I act like I dont....but I do. Which is PROBABLY ALSO THE CEN 🤪  like whatever lol

Anwyays I'm fucked up

You see how quickly things become complicated in my mind?

Convoluted? Is that the word?

Whatever. I OVERCOMPLICATE THINGS COS I OVERTHINK THEM BECAUSE I'm LITERALLY MENTALLY ILL IN SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS. I'm not joking. I obviously have unresolved undiagnosed "issues"

I do Suspect things, though.

I can make a list

Maybe I shouldn't.

Maybe I will.

I shouldnt.

Whatever.

I used to hate when people brought up my self harm. I would actually panic. I still self harm but now? Now I'm fine with anyone  talking about it as long as it's not an adult who can get me into trouble/force me into therapy over it. Because really? I kinda like having it mentioned. It's kinda validating and it's like hey... people can see that I'm sick.

I dont do it so people talk to me about it though. Dont get me wrong. If I did, I'd go vertically on the arms, not for suicide but so it healed and people would ask XD.

My scars are actually VERY hidden... cos I never intended for ANYONE to see. But for those who DO see them,,,, it's nice soemtimes to have people express concern.

I dont wanna be PITIED or anything, but idk I just think to myself "wow, they're CONCERNED... about ME... they arent angry or mean... they didnt yell at me or threaten me... they respect my autonomy and privacy...

And they CARE ABOUT ME..." and it makes me cry.

That's also the CEN.

I dont know. I just like when people express genuine concern. Even if they see and then just ask if I'm okay. That's all it takes cos then I go wow.

Its validating and irs lovely because finally people care... FINALLY PEOPLE CARE. FINALLY I GET SOME EMPATHY OR SYMPATHY AND NO ANGER.

Even just having them brought up tells me its noticeable enough

My brain does this thing where it thinks nothing bad that's ever happened to me was Bad Enough for me to be upset about.

And I dont know... its nice sometimes to be told shit like "omg that looks so bad" or to see that people who do see my cuts are somewhat shocked or revolted... it's nice because I go... "hey, it was bad enough for them..."

Or to have people comment on them with concern. Just ANYTHINT WHERE PEOPLE NOTICE IT AND ARENT ASSHOLES ABOUT IT IS VALIDATING.

Because I'm not used to that...

Because CEN

I'm. The worst perosn on the fucking planet.

I should kill myself.

I suddenly actually feel so self hating I do want to kill myself... oh god.

I ruin everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. What have I done. Like. Why. Oh god.

I'm just remembering when Star said my kindness seemed like an act. And how I've been called out for seeming fake like 2 other times.

DO I SEEM FAKE???? I DONT EVER PUT ON ACTS OF KINDESS.... CONCIOUSLY? but the very idea that I could be perceived that way...

Should I like not try to be nice or some shit?

Jesus christ she hurts my feelings even now when it was a long time ago.

But I cant blame her. I can't blame anyone for how i feel except my parents because they left me with fucking. Heart nerve damage or some shit.

I'm tired and now I'm sad too. Goodnight guys.

[charlctterussell]

Rules

Writer is 25+

In turn I prefer to write with writers who are older, you don’t have to necessarily be over 25 but, certainly and definitely older than 18. I won’t interact with anyone younger than 18 and if you are over, and don’t conduct yourself in an adult manner, the same will be said for that as well. I have no tolerance for bullying or shaming of any kind, and my tolerance for childish bullshit is like < 0.5 I’m not here for that, and I think everyone would agree that we all come here to explore creative things together with relaxation in mind and to have fun doing that. Although I know the cest pool of nonsense-isms accompanying the role-play world is a tale as old as time, but I will be selective in the company I keep here socially and collaboratively in that regard for my own peace and sanity.

Writing Style

Novella / Multi-Para

I really am such a sucker for detail, like seriously, if you want to capture my heart — detail me up mah friends! Having said that, I do again prefer collaborating with writers who write in the Novella and Multi-Para style as well in threads. I will also write in para too though because guess what? TONS of detail can be added in para bits just as well. But I get ambitious sometimes and descriptive, so BUYER BEWARE. Im really down to write and play in any length but when it comes to more serious scenes / pieces as far as threads — I do prefer my partners be the same in that regard or at least amped and enjoy something more than para. As a general rule here: Role-play is a dance between two people, sometimes more, and of course in that partnership you have to align for things to flow and the magic happen. Which I think is what we all strive for— really being able to indulge our imaginations collaboratively with like-minded partners. I have also always been a writer who puts a lot of thought and detail into the breaths of life big and small that live in words for my muse, so it’s important for me to sync up in that way for what I’m receiving as well. It’s also important for me to have chemistry with my partners cause it again, is role-play.😘That being said, I LOVE DRABBLINGS OF ALL SHAPES AND SIZES IN PLAY, so please feel free to send/ tag me anything your heart desires. Like nothing is off limits there. — I live for mentions, and kinda inhelpably am a social butterfly so I really dig and will reply, and play, with any bit of back and forth you feel inspired to throw at me.

Communication

please do it. Please? If I’m following you back, it means I want to write with you and work with you. That also means talk to you too. If you have a question or kinda wonder about anything, anything at all, just message me. I love connecting with people, and happen to be super nice also. So, please don’t ever be afraid to connect and slip into my ims. I also do the disco, and communication is totally welcome there too. Member that chemistry thing I talked about earlier? (Whispers behind hand) This adds to it.

Like/Reblog Etiquette

I don’t care if you like anything of mine, or reblog it. In fact please do! Especially if you love/like them. Omg in fact if you do it you’ll capture a little piece of my heart more than you had the first time you did it. 😆With me, it really is the small things and I get giddy over many of them. Just don’t flat out copy my work, save it, and then post it. Unnecessary. —unless you’re stealing and then in that case don’t do that either.

Shipping

I ship with only one, and that is @isawthelight

This means I am not interested in doing this with anyone else here. My fingers are nimble though and my imagination runs far and wide, so there’s tons of other connection opportunities out there in that sea where our muses are concerned. Basically, just feel free to shoot me a message about anything you’re thinking at all if you’d like to write together! I also promise to do the same. If I follow you, I will read your rules and message you thereafter. It’d be cool if you also did that if you follow this blog, but totally not a rule breaker if you don’t. If I’m interested, I’ll be reading your stuffs and hitting you up! As a general note: I’d really love to hear from anyone who has interest enough to follow first like; why did you? What idea did you have? Don’t be shy to tell me what you’re thinking! I loveeee brainstorming too. My imagination is super vivid, so lots of times I can come up with something enjoyable and am really open to ideas or expanding upon those in ways that work. Or even if you haven’t followed me yet, and you’re interested in writing together and you had an idea butttt aren’t quite sure...Shoot me a message. I’m crafty so I promise you and your muse a good time either way.

Triggers

So I’m going to be honest...and it’s kinda ironic...considering the themes in The Devil All The Time, but animal gore/cruelty where it involves slaying, or killing animals is something (and literally the only thing) I am sensitive about. That being said, my ‘husband’ things — (side-eyes him from afar 👀)

But I also want to say I’m in this verse writing and all in in doing so, so please feel free to write anything to your heart’s content where it fits or you have the idea to in this verse, or with and around me. Although I have my sensitivity, it’s a part of the story and if it’s mentioned, or written it’s okay! I will grimace and either skip past it if I’m reading something of yours, or read it and thank the lord it’s just words and fiction like I did with the book and film! :p Having said that, at this time, I won’t myself be tagging more than a couple of triggers outside of cancer, nsfw. That certainly will change once I begin/ and get into works on this blog, but at this time there won’t be too awful many just because I may not think of them all and really don’t want to make myself crazy in my attempt to be on the safe side 😆. I have to mention as well that I also prefer to write with partners who don’t really have many (hardly any as a matter of fact, or none at all) triggers and with that I tend to feel as though, if you’re here, and you’re reading, you must at least be aware of the book and/or film and it’s themes. If you arent or like me have sensitivities you’d like at least noted someplace cause we totally read one another’s stuff and love one another, tell me! If you’re here, I love you, and also certainly we all are different and human and have our own feelings about things. Let me know. I’m happy to tag something for anyone who reads mine, or my partners things. In the meantime though, I’m going to assume most are not squeamish around blood mentions, illness, swearing, murder, violence, sex, or anything else graphic in content. Because this blog will contain those and a bundle of other themes that more than likely will grip a persons soul/heart strings. I want to also say that I do read everyone’s rules I work with and if I notice something in a potential partner’s about a specific trigger that may be a constant thing here, or even upcoming or past, I’ll always courteously provide tags for them on my blog without any word about it. But once more, I will not be adding many trigger tags to start because this story is one for mature audiences, so I’m going to assume folks venturing here are of that sort. But there’s not just all that gritty grimey grimes stuff. There’s also so much love and fuzzy feels too.💘

(To be continued.......)

[virtuissimo]

pardon me for using my blog for its intended purpose, but I’ve gota talk about my life insecurities and the pathetic reality of my ongoing existence

if ur prone to thinking badly of ppl for having social difficulties maybe dont read lol

if uv talked to me more than a few times then u kno already tbh i sound like a broken record but I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS im so fucking mad about it, why is this so hard for me???

people say that you have to go to clubs,  but honestly thats realy not enough advice for me because Findng People is not the issue, in fact i have been in several places where by all means i shuold have found someone to be friends with, but even if i do force myself to talk to people and be sociable and say uuh things and even if i do succeed in being funny and likeable (which is far from the norm and my self esteem takes a huge hit every time i exit a social situation having flopped & yes i am overly judgmental of myself but the fact that i dont got friends is proof that maybe there is some truth to it) , nothing ever comes of it!

and like i know this is a pattern with me, where ill try to do something consistently for a semester and then when i see no evidence of progress i give up. same thing happened when i decided to stick to a consistent exercise routine. i didnt feel any better, i didnt look any different, my health didnt improve, my body didnt even get any stronger my bodys limit on weight and time remained the same from beginning to end, all i felt was tired, sore, and depressed. i felt a little proud of myself for having stuck to it for that long (4-5 months? honetsly an accomplishment for me) but at the first excuse i could find i broke routine and was never able to get back on.

and honestly. same thing happened with that club. i went to almost every QTPOCA community meeting for one semester, but i just! couldnt! make!! friends!! a few people talked to me i think?? one girl named Cassie who i saw once and never again..augustine talked to me and i was really happy about that...they were very friendly and i like talking to them but i dont think our personalities mesh very well for us to be close, we also dont have any real shared interests and i dont think they particularly have fun in my company.

but other than those two people, thats it.... the meetings themselves are very different from what i expected, its absolutely not an environment conducive to my very uuh specific needs.

How did  i make friends before?? i had friends in high school. or at least i thought i did. i guess thats why im not still friends with most of them. i never really went out to movies or to their houses or to get lunch or even had most of their phone numbers, & even those whose # i do have i never really USED them. maybe its cuz i didnt get a phone until high school. maybe its cuz my parents are workaholics AND overprotective and made it too much of a hassle to ask permission to go everwhere. maybe people only rly liked me for school work purposes. maybe im just too obedient and never snuck out. maybe im just too close to my sister and never felt the need for social interaction outside of school because i had her. maybe im just making a whole lot of excuses for what ultimately is an inability to interact with other people. 

& its not like im not good at talking. im pretty quick and uuh quippy ig like i can say some off the wall shit, that just all goes out the window when im talking to strangers. idk. i can make phonecalls now, but only if i script out what im going to say in writing bcause even if i mentally script, by the time the other person picks up the phone my mind just goes blank.

i think its a part of my horrible personality maybe. like maybe i can only be in my element when i feel like i have power. my small high school & my ugly superiority complex made it easier for me to think of myself as better than p much all my peers maybe? but maybe its not that easy to do that in college since EVERYONE here got to college somehow (despite some of them actualy being dumb as fuck)? maybe?? idk if thats the case i gota change that personality quick cuz thats no way to live life. just the way im talking about it now makes it seem like maybe its not that but idk i think in actuality im a lot more egotistical than i come across as. which may or may not be saying something idk self awareness is hard.

probably also got something to do with the fact that i moved to texas away from the rest of my family & my parents work too much to make rfriends ot their own (and neither of my parents are very social people to begin with) so i never had adult social interactions modeled for me in a way that integrates friendships into ones life. thats probably just an excuse tho.

anyways. im really sick of not fitting in anywhere. im sick of not knowing anyone. im sick of being lonely all the time and feeling unlovable . and iv got like 2 friends on the internet that i rly talk to but we all know it aint the same & the MOMENT theyve busy i feel soooo fuckin lonelyyyyy

also FUCK another thing is that i am no ones priority, that shit SUCKS idk if im emotionally built for casual friendships cuz i care about all my friends so fucking much...i dont even gota be a best friend i just gota be ...important to someone lmfao maybe thast too much to ask fori know im just 21 but it rly feels like everyone already has their friends and thats that, and the worst part is that i could have made friends but i wasted all of college uuuh idk doing school or whatever LMFAO ok but other ppl can figure out how to have an active social life while doing decent in school why couldnt i do that...

whatever. if i die alone i die alone , nothin to be done about that. just gota put my best foot forward i guess. maybe learn to settle a little more. put more effort into things that arent worth it because id rather have something rancid than nothing at all.

[writeouttaluck]

This is a quickie. Partially inspired by my childhood and teen years.

Both Elementary and Middle school had hammered home the idea that people are shitty and that they will fuck you up at any given chance in any way they think of. I started spending more time by myself and away from people. The only time I ever left was to hang out with friends and even that seemed to be falling apart for me. It was rough, really. Ive known my friends were shitty for a while, but its what i got. Everybody else is either too stupid or weird for me to fit into. Not to mention the assholes.

Everyone in my class was a fucking asshole and they could suck a fucking dick if they thought i was about to drop years of resentment and turn the other cheek.

Fuck that.

Ill stick with the criminals. At least they can be fun.

After my first day of 7th grade, I felt about 3 feet tall and twice as exhausted. I had an inkling that it was depression. I did some looking online and thats what matched how i feel. Tired, lack of motivation, easilly upset by everything. It felt like i was loosing my edge and i cant say im too happy about that.

At the same time, it seemed that as one fire was being put out, another was being discovered. Something felt wrong. I was still angry as ever but it was different. I was more angry at the world than i was angry at a particular thing.

I was slowly realizing that things just arent gonna get better and if they do, it wont be for a long, long time. I was pretty much destined to do nothing with my life considering i wasnt smart enough to carry myself education wise. Ive needed help with a lot of things for as long as I remember.

It felt unfair. I was supposed to be such a smart person, right? Yeah what a crock of shit. It seems that adults have been lying to me about far more than just santa claus and the tooth fairy.

And right now I really felt like knocking someones teeth out of their head.

Like the universe had read my fucking mind, I heard a few pebbles get tossed at my window.

I got out of my chair and peered behind me. Out the window stood Dylan. He cupped his hands and shouted.

“Lets fucking go!”

I nodded and slid the bandana up my face. I grabbed my leather vest and walked out of my room, making sure to close the door behind me as quietly as possible. My mom was passed out on the couch again with the dogs laying beside her. I stared for a moment, watching her breathe heavilly in her unconscious state before i decided it was safe to sneak away. I practically slithered to the door before taking one more look back.

Mom layed facing the tv and away from me. I knew the dogs were gonna go apeshit as soon as the door opened and so i prepared myself.

Then like ripping off a band aid, I swung the front door open and hopped outside, swinging it shut behind me. They started barking like crazy as I thought they would and so I stepped down the stairs on my porch real fast and ran around to my backyard where Dylan was waiting.

“What took you so long?” he said to me as I caught up with him.

I didnt answer, deciding that answering him was just a waste of time.

We walked through our backyard and through the tall grass of the house that lived behind us. It happened to be on the market for years now and didnt seem to be selling anytime soon. That made it a great place to break into and hang out. It was a regular thing at this point. Although since the yard was so open and surrounded by other houses, we kept the hanging in there to a minimum.

“Dude, this fucking kid has been talking some mad shit about me recently.” Dylan started in, “Hes been talking to my girlfriend and saying some really fucked up shit to her. Saying what he wants to do to her and all this shit and I swear if I get my fucking hands on him…”

He spoke with gnashed teeth and a vein fit to burst from his neck. He said all this while looking at his phone screen. I could only assume he was looking at this guys facebook profile.

All at once Dylan turned back to me and showed me the phone screen.

“This fucking faggot. Im gonna fucking kill him!”

I looked at the photo and quickly recognized his name. That was the guy my girlfriend cheated on me with. I could feel my blood draw to a boil as i stared at him. I balled my fists at my side white knuckle tight. Each digit made an audible popping sound as they rolled up.

“You know this kid?” Dylan asked me.

I looked away from the phone and to dylan and nodded my head.

He nodded back at me in understanding and we both had the same idea in mind.

“Lets find this motherfucker”

…

After some talking and walking and all kinds of looking, we figured the easiest way to get this fucker out of his safe space was to have Dylans girlfriend bait him into coming to a secure location. We decided that under the bridge in town was a pretty good place considering that not many people know how to get to the path down under. We headed there and waited for the little bastard.

After a while of sitting around, it was about 9:00. The sun had gone completely down at this point and it was dark. There wasnt any foot traffic above for nearly an hour until we heard a bicycle rattle its way over the wooden slats. I nodded at Dylan and he ran over to the bushes to go hide while I stayed in the the open. I leaned on one of the concrete beams and crossed my arms.

This was going to be interesting.

“Bella! Psst, Bella!” I heard him whispering as he walked down the little hill. He waded past some real tall grass and walked out onto the smooth surface before he noticed me standing there.

“Uh...hi?” He asked, looking at me.

I stared at him and waited.

I watched as Dylan stood from the grass behind him and bolted in the guys direction. Dylan decked him from behind in the back of the head and he stumbled foreward, falling on his hands.

That was my cue.

I walked over and pulled him up to standing level. He had his eyes squinted shut and teeth together. That punch definatly hurt.

Not taking time to hesitate, I held him infront of me with my hand around his mouth and holding his right arm behind his back.

“So, you think youre hot shit, huh?” Dylan said standing over him.

He drove a fist into the guys gut and I struggled to hold him as he doubled over in pain. I snapped him back into place as dylan got into his fighting stance. He stepped over and punched him across the face hard. It was the kind of hit that would leave a bruise the size of an apple. I felt the guy breathe heavier, and tears hit my hand that was still clamped over his mouth.

Dylan reared back again and swung, hitting him right in the teeth. The guys head rolled back a bit at the force of the hit. Im suprised that didnt knock him out.

Than dylan got a start and drove his foot square into his gut. The guy moaned in pain under my hand.

Then the guy did something balsy. He bit right down into my hand, hard. My instant reaction was to let go of his mouth and suddenly he pulled his arm away too. He tried making a dash for it but my anger had flared at the pain. I grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and yanked him back hard into the rocks and gravel at my feet. He flew into the rocks face first and tried getting back up. I grabbed his belt and tossed him again, swinging his face into the rocks once more. At this, I didnt wait to see if he was gonna get up again. As soon as his head was raised, I crouched to his level and put my hand on the back of his head, slamming his face into the sharp rocks again. He yelped a bit in pain so I flipped him over and clamped my left hand around his throat. I squeezed like I meant it and closed off his wind pipe. He looked up at me in pity as he choked. I picked him up off the ground a bit and slammed him back down. I brought my right up like a big ass flesh hammer and brought down hard on his face. I raised it again and smashed him in the face again.

Once I saw the color start to drain from his face, I let go of his throat. He coughed and gasped for breath he desperately needed. I saw something move quickly out of the corner of my eye and brought my arm up to sheild my face. Dylan pelted a handful of sharp rocks at the guys face before following it up with another hard punch. Once I knew dylan had this, I stood up and brushed myself off.

Dylan crouched to his level and looked him in the eyes. Than he did something that actually shocked me. He produced a knife from his pocket and flipped it open real fast in front of the kids face.

Holy shit, was he actually going to kill him?

Dylan brought the knife up and dragged the dull side of the blade down the guys face, who now was so terrifyed that he had full on tears streaming down.

Right as I imagined dylan jabbing the knife through his eye, He stopped just short and whispered real low.

“You come near my girl again or If I hear you talking shit about me around down, Im gonna come to your house and kill you and your whole familly. Do you fucking understand?”

The guy just looked at him in fear.

“DO YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND?!?!” He shouted in the guys face.

He quickly nodded out of fear.

Than Dylan clamped his hand on the guys face and shoved him back to the ground.

I got up as did dylan and we both started walking back to the top of the bridge. Once we got up there, we saw the guys bike parked next to the bench without a lock. So Dylan kicked the peg up and started walking it over the bridge.

At first I thought maybe Dylan was gonna steal this guys bike but that didnt seem like something he would do. Then we got to the mid point in the bridge and he stopped walking. I stopped too. He suddenly grabbed the bike by the middle and flung the whole damn thing over the edge like a big ass frisbee.

It dropped for a second before we heard it smash into the water below.

“That will teach that fucker…” Dylan said.

…

[sadrien]

prince of cats

chapter two: this holy shrine

on ao3 || on ffnet  1

i was gonna say something but im in like a really really bad mood right now so i hope you enjoy the chapter

Marinette hesitates for longer than usual at her apartment door. There’s no way her neighbor will be out and about at this time today, she’s never run into him before yesterday. Maybe he just had an errand to run or something. She shouldn’t be nervous about the slim chance of seeing someone she’s exchanged not even half a conversation with.

At least, that’s what she keeps telling herself.

The reality of the situation is that she fell asleep on the couch in the middle of designing an evening dress and had dreamt about his eyes. His eyes! God it’s like she’s a teenager again.

Just as she’d predicted, she doesn’t run into her neighbor. She’s strangely disappointed. Not that she had been looking forward to see him, she just—

Okay. Yes, she’d been looking forward to at least catching another glimpse of him. She kind of wants to hear his voice again, maybe hear him laugh?

For some reason, she thinks it would sound like springtime—

Marinette shakes away those wistful thoughts as she exits the building and makes her way to work. She focuses on the evening gown she started designing the day before and makes a point not to use any green. But she can’t help but think that it would look really nice with green accessories.

Why is she like this?

If any of her coworkers notice that she’s a little off, no one says anything. They probably don’t, they’re all drowning in anxiety as they rush to finish this line, but Marinette can’t help but worry a little whenever she catches herself staring off into the distance thinking about his smile.

Eventually, she gives in and pulls out her phone, texting Alya quickly. She should’ve told Alya yesterday at lunch. It probably would’ve turned out better.

From: fashion goddess To: the Most Beautiful      Sos      I need help

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      babe arent u in work???      but as always im here to help and fix everything

From: fashion goddess To: the Most Beautiful      Theres a guy and hes cute

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      idk what i was expecting but it wasnt that

Marinette resists the urge to bang her head against her worktable. She just needs one rant to Alya and hopefully all this will be over. She’ll get over this tiny infatuation and move on with her life. And stop thinking about his gorgeous green eyes and how he’d stared at her when— 

Her phone vibrates with a new message and breaks her out of her daydream.

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      k so theres a guy      how can i help

From: fashion goddess To: the Most Beautiful      Good question      I jsut?? Cant stop thinking about him????

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      oh wow      how come ive never heard about this guy??

From: fashion goddess To: the Most Beautiful      Um…      I met him yesterday???

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      girl

From: fashion goddess To: the Most Beautiful      I know I know!!!      We ran into each other      Literally      And he was tall and blond and pretty and was wearing this gorgeous black trenchcoat but thats off topic and he had this cat that for some reason was all sparkly??? And his eyes were nice and I dont even know his name and Im going to stop talking and just send this message so you can judge me

Marinette puts her phone down and focuses on her job for a few minutes. Alya will still be there when this hem is done. She’s surprised to find herself in the zone and is even to ignore a few vibrations from her phone as she stitches. But it’s not meant to last, because as soon as she finishes the hem, she’s reaching to reply.

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      oh girl      uve got it bad      for a complete stranger!!!!!      im not gonna judge i find random people hot all the time but im not usually this…….fixated on them

From: fashion goddess To: the Most Beautiful      Just do it al      Call me creepy

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      ur a beautiful tropical fish mari      u poetic and noble land mermaid      ur not creepy ur in love

From: fashion goddess To: the Most Beautiful      You cant be in love with someone you just met Alya!!!!!!!!

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      tell that to cinderella!!!!!!!!!!!!

From: fashion goddess To: the Most Beautiful      Plot twist this is real life al not an animated disney movie      I cant fall in love with someone I met ONCE

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      not with that attitude

From: fashion goddess To: the Most Beautiful      Oh my god      Look I dont even know his name

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      so we make up a name!!      lets see………      ive got it      chat noir      ur prince is named chat noir

From: fashion goddess To: the Most Beautiful      Excuse me

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      he has a cat      he wore black      chat noir

From: fashion goddess To: the Most Beautiful      Youre truly the voice of our generation

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      ;*      k i have to get back to work and i kno u do too (smh using me to procrastinate how dare u (ilysm)) but ill call u later      u me and nino can freak out about cute boys      k??

From: fashion goddess To: the Most Beautiful      Sounds great      Thanks <3

From: the Most Beautiful To: fashion goddess      of course darling!!      have fun with ur fashion ill hear u yell later

Marinette puts her phone away. She can last until tonight. Right?

Thank god it’s Friday.

✦ ✦ ✦

By the time her lunch break comes around, Marinette has been productive enough that she could’ve stayed home and the results would’ve been the same. She shouldn’t be letting something so trivial get in the way of her actual paying job, but apparently she has no control over her own thoughts.  

Marinette seriously debates taking the rest of the day off (because that’s really what she’s come to) but acknowledges that, no, that’s a bad idea. She’s an adult with deadlines and will get over it and be productive for the rest of the day.

She does go home for lunch, though. She has leftover takeout in her fridge and an episode of a random TV show to finish. She had stopped paying attention at some point to focus on her designs, but she had been weirdly invested in the over dramatic characters and cliche plotline.

Marinette is digging through her bag looking for her keys when she hears the door next to her unlocking. She freezes, eyes wide, as the door swings open.

Her neighbor hums to himself as he closes and locks the door behind him. He doesn’t even notice she’s there until he turns around and they make eye contact and Marinette goes redder than last winter’s avant garde piece.

“H-hi,” she stutters, clutching her keys tightly in her hand. She can feel the ridges of the key biting into her palm.

He blinks a few times before turning pink. “Oh my god,” he whispers, “you’re the one I completely knocked over and then ran away from yesterday.”

Marinette laughs awkwardly. “Yeah, that was… That was me.”

He rubs the back of his neck. “I-I am so sorry. I really, I just— I had to go grab Plagg before he vanished on me and I wasn’t thinking and then when I got back you were gone and—”

“It’s fine!” Marinette interrupts. At least she’s not the only mess in this hallway. “Plagg?”

“My cat,” he answers.

She raises an eyebrow. “The…sparkly one?”  

“Um…” He sighs. “Okay, so I might’ve used a bath bomb and I might’ve forgotten to rinse out the bathtub and Plagg might have gotten into it and might’ve rolled around in the glitter.” He looks away. “So my black cat might’ve been gold.”

Marinette covers her mouth with her hand to stifle a laugh.

“He’s fine!” her neighbor insists. “He got a bath and is hopefully completely glitter free now and also that glitter is made of seaweed so… He’s fine. Sorry for knocking you over.”

“No harm done,” Marinette promises.

His eyes go wide. “I just realized, I’ve been rambling on about my cat and you don’t even know my name.” He holds his hand out to her. “I’m Adrien. I’ve lived in the building for a few months I just…never got around to introducing myself to anyone.”  

Marinette smiles and shakes his hand. At least she can tell Alya they don’t have to call him Chat Noir. “Marinette. It’s nice to meet you. And your cat.”

“Nice to meet you too.” Adrien lets go of her hand and she mourns the loss of contact. Pathetic. “I have to run to the store, but maybe I’ll see you around later?”

Marinette nods. “Y-yeah, definitely.”

He shoots her a dazzling smile that melts her heart. “See you then.”

She stares at him until he disappears into the stairwell and continues to stare until the echoes of his footsteps fade. The she opens her apartment door and nearly collapses inside.

She’s going to be lucky if she makes it back to work in time.

✦ ✦ ✦

“Alright,” Alya says, pouring herself a glass of wine. “I’ve filled Nino in on the little situation and we are ready to yell about our tall, blond, and handsome Chat Noir.”

“You better be pouring me some of that,” Nino says from offscreen.

Marinette resizes her Skype window as Alya scoots over so Nino can sit next to her. Alya hands Nino the wineglass. “Here you go, babe.”

Nino takes it. “Are you not going to need another glass?”

Alya picks up the bottle. “Nothing wrong with drinking straight from the bottle.”

Nino shakes his head. “Anyway, tell us everything, Mari. I want to know it all.”

Marinette pulls her legs up onto the couch and crosses them. “Well…there was actually a development.”

Alya and Nino exchange a look.

“Tell me everything,” Alya says.

“Right, so remember when my neighbor moved out a few months ago?” Marinette asks.

They both nod.

Nino shudders. “Thank god too, I hated that dude. He was a massive dick.”

“Okay, well, then that new neighbor moved in and I never had time to meet them?” They nod again. Marinette takes a deep breath. “I just met him.”

Nino groans and Alya buries her face in her hands.

“He’s your fucking neighbor?” Nino asks. “That’s just—”

“You could’ve been gawking him for months!” Alya interrupts throwing her arms out.

“I just—”

“Wait, how have you never run into him before?” Nino asks. “Does he never leave the house?”

Marinette shrugs. “We must have very different schedules.”

Alya sighs. “And this isn’t fanfiction. People don’t just knock on their neighbor’s door asking for a cup of sugar.”

“His name is Adrien and his smile is like the sun,” Marinette waxes, sinking back into the couch. “He likes bath bombs and has a black cat named Plagg and when he blushes he turns the most perfect shade of pink.” She tenses. “I mean—” She glances to her laptop to see Alya and Nino watching her with fond smiles and soft eyes. Marinette looks away, feeling her cheeks grow hot. “Shut up,” she mumbles.

“It’s cute,” Nino promises.

“It is,” Alya agrees. “We haven’t seen you like this in years, Mari. It’s adorable. You’re adorable.”

Nino hums in agreement. “Though it sucks that we can’t keep calling him Chat Noir. I like the nickname.”

Alya scoffs. “Who said I was going to stop calling him Chat Noir? But…” She pulls out her phone. “With a real name, I can stalk him on social media.”

“Please don’t,” Marinette begs.

“Please do,” Nino counters, leaning closer to Alya to see the screen of her phone.

“Nino!”

“Hey! I want to see if this dude is as hot as you say he is.”

Marinette raises an eyebrow. “I’m sorry, are you doubting my judgement?”

Nino shakes his head. “Never. But if he is that hot, I still want to see him.” “I know you have a girlfriend, but I’ve still got dibs.”

“I’d leave Alya if he were hot enough.”

Alya grabs a pillow and smacks Nino in the face with it without even looking away from her phone screen.

Nino laughs and shoves the pillow away. “I love you, Al, I swear.”

“Mhm.” Alya frowns at her phone. “Okay, Mari, just ‘Adrien’ isn’t enough for me to find him—”

“Shocking,” Marinette murmurs.

“Shush I’m doing you a favor. With any luck he’ll be tweeting about how drop dead gorgeous his neighbor is or something. But anyway, I need you to get me some details. A last name would be preferable. But even like a place of work or a school would work.”

“Creepy,” Nino says before taking a long drink of his wine.

“And yet you date me anyway,” Alya muses. She looks up and stares Marinette down. “Last name, Marinette. Got that?”

Marinette nods. She’s going to have to find some non creepy way to do this, isn’t she? “Got it.”

✦ ✦ ✦

Marinette doesn’t wake up until ten in the morning, but she still wakes up exhausted. She stayed up far too late talking to Nino and Alya, Alya still trying to find some trace of Adrien on the internet as Nino and Marinette talked about anything and nothing at all. It’s been a few weeks since the three of them just talked like that, their lives are a hectic disaster, and Marinette’s missed it. They’ve been best friends for years and she definitely misses seeing them every single day at school.

She sings softly to herself as she wanders around the apartment, opening windows to let air in. It’s a surprisingly warm day for late fall, and she’s embracing every minute of warmth that she can.

Today’s a lazy day. She’s decided.

She’s meeting up with Nino and Alya later tonight for dinner and a movie at their apartment, but until then she can just lounge around in her pajamas and watch bad reality TV. Honestly, she’ll probably show up to their place in pajamas too. Not that they can judge, Marinette knows for a fact that Nino doesn’t change out of his sweats if he has a day off.

Marinette stops in her tracks when she reenters her bedroom. She blinks a few times, just to make sure she’s seeing right.

On her window sill naps a black cat, glittering slightly golden in the morning sun.

[swampgallows]

im not a funnyman im just mentally ill and have two interests and they canret even special interwests because im not autism spec i just have a lot of overlap due to my anxieties and othe r dysfucntional mental faculties im jsut mentally ill im scared all the time i have very few comforts in thsi world i havee been forced to confront a bunch of my traumas over the last weke or so im not productive im not getting naything done i only manageed like two coding lessons this weke i wish i could get out of m uparents hotus i just  feel useless and far behind erfrom everyboedy else in my life im on a website wt a bucnhf of college kids and im going to be thrity in a few years and im not an adult not even close and i dont want to be come wone but i dont want to rely on my shtity aprents any more but its impossilble i want to just skewer the 1% open like a pinaata and drain them of their funds to be redistribtued among the common people like the planet is dying everything is dying tehres no way im going to live more than anoteh few yeras wand whats the point anyway because one day im going to be dead im so scared abotu my teeth anctualyl more so my gums because thres ntohign you can do about receding gums that s just how it is thats just my life my gums hvae receded so much and my dentists arent helping me they just want to rip my wisdom teeth out of my head and im scared of that i dotn want them to take my body parts away and i dont know why they want to do it so badly none of them have had a good resason except that they get ot charge me a lot for it im scared of them taking the few good teeth i have even though i know theyre superfluous but im just fuckign scared i really dont want to die but i feel too scared all the time to live i deont want to playu wow more than i want to make art of it and write about it but ive had a mental block for months i cant focus on antyhign withtu my eyes blinding like im staring into th e sun i cant even look at teh screen i want to finsihe this chapter im working on and i havebeen working on it so long im just losing sitght of everythign im really not doing good im a huge disappointemnt and im gettin cloesr to death all the time and im scared of nuclear war and im scared of hurrifcanes and i hate old white men sending us to our deaths and im scrared of this website rtryuing to tell me im not queer ENough orsomethign i am a mentally ill trembling queeroid and i know im white btu for fucks sake arealdy i just want to go to azeroth when i fuckign die thats the only wayh i could not be afraid when i die i want to just sleep and dream i want to be able to dream forever

[songsummoner]

mew: evoire /please/ you have to listen! mew: i-i'm sort of tired.. i'm getting older... which means if you stay with me, you sort of are too... i don't know, how much longer i'm going to really last at this rate... evoire: then by all means borrow more of what i have to give you! mew: but i dont want to! i feel so strained e-even when i do that! its been a whole lifetime of that for me! looks at where hed be looking at his ghosthand if he still hand it please... please listen to me.... mew: im offering you a new chance at life! you can make your own kingdom and everything! you wont have to use me to do it! that slipped out by accident and he covers his mouth evoire: .. /what/ did you say? mew: i- i- evoire: everything i have ever done, have ever said, has been for the both of us!!! not just me, but you as well boy! mew: i'm not a boy anymore evoire! i dont need to rely on you to live my life! and its unfair to you that you have to for me! its-- its unfair to me too!! it feels like im always being watched behind my back and, and at first it felt like it was being protected! like someone had my back yeah! but now that im older, and more capable on my own.. it just feels like youre carrying me by the scruff of the back of my neck.. mew: i... i love this kningdom! and i love the people here you know that! evoire: indeed i do! as do i and you know that as well! i care for this new generation and will do /anything/ to guard them... because tell me, mew, who else is going to be as inclusive as this here very kingdom /together/ we slowly but very surely transformed hm?! no one! its completely up to us! mew: ive felt like that for a long time... and im not, im not really sure if its because its how /ive/ really felt all along or.. it was just you.... long sigh maybe its both. mew: but that still doesnt give anyone the right to take our independance or happieness away! evoire: im perfectly happy the way everything is!.... mew: long pause ... well im not. evoire: what? mew: quietly y..you heard me.... evoire: menacing and about to loose it but cools himself down, slicks his hair back its fine, its fine. well. i do care about you, chi-.... mew. i do. youve done many a great thing in your life and look where its landed you. mew: .. im looking... evoire: you want to give it all up? mew: n-not necessarily... not just up and leave at least... but... mew: i dont need this kingdom to make me happy. evoire: gasps mew, since when have you become so selfish?! this is all for the greater good, what are one or two lives for /thousands/? mew: im tired. im getting older. and i want to live the last few days of my life happy evoire. mew: and i know.. youre... interested... in having more time. more time to rule a kingdom. more time for yourself in general. mew: but im tired. and im growing closer to be finishing my chapter of this life off. evoire: y-you cant just /leave/ mew- mew: i can, if i want. and i dont care if that gets me disgraced. you know ive never cared much about those kinds of things. evoire: if you do that you wont just be disgraced as a king, youll be disgraced as a /man/ mew: flinches at that but sighs afterwards im.. fine with that. mew: i still have friends. i still have family. and theyll still love me. mew: thats more than you can say, isnt it. evoire: obviously furious but silent mew: and.. i think i get it. sort of. maybe right now, since its been like this so long, maybe... maybe at the time im all you have. but youre not all /i/ have anymore evoire. mew: im asking you politely to inherit a new body. im giving you a choice. mew: but i want you to grab your own chance at happieness. im doing the same by doing this. evoire: how could you not know im perfectly content the way everything is?!?! mew: i get it! youre /comfortable/! but im not! not anymore! i dont like being watched every second! ive come to learn thats not normal! and just- ugh! turns his back on evoire frustrated evoire: mew... you know, things are fine the way they are. mew: frustrated tears forming as he turns back to the mirror no, they arent, and i /know/ you know it evoire. mew: things werent ever meant to be like this. mew: i was meant to die that day. and you saved me. and for that i cannot honestly ever thank you enough. but i think its time that we finally take our own paths, instead of walking together. mew: i dont know what road youre taking, but i know withouta doubt were too different to both be living like this and to both be happy at this point. mew: evoire.. i know youre capable of being happy. everyone is. evoire: softly but.. i am... mew: you /think/ you are but were you /ever/ really content? with being backseat in a body for how long? for only controling my body in spurts at best? mew: i get it- it beats being stuck in a lance for who knows how long. mew: but i know its not enough for you. mew: its /never/ enough for you. evoire: i- mew: i understand! that you dont want to be alone! im terrified of it honestly as well! its something new and thats scary! mew: i /know/ you were just afraid and lost and confused as i was when we first met! but i get that you had to be the adult and just take it! mew: and now its my turn... to consolt you! to tell you, that everything is going to be okay! despite my and your fears /both/! its going. to be. alright. its not the end of the world. mew: and although maybe... itll be the end of /our/ worlds... together.... mew: i dont think it ever will be completely. mew: hand over heart ill always rememebr you. and i can only hope youll always rememebr me. and like that, i dont think either of us can never really fade away into oblivion. evoire: quiet for a stupid long time and slowly starts to lower his guard, to look down, to have ghost tears forming at the edge of his eyes. hes defeated. hes tired. and hes done as well. he knows, just like centries before, hes lost this fight as well- whether it was expected eventually or not. evoire: so quietly dont... do this to me...... mew: softly smiles youll be okay.... you can finally make new friends like this you know. new family. your friends /can/ be your family. and itll be great. mew: itll be... whatever you want to make of it. mew: the worlds gonna be your oyster! fancy free! no one can tell you what to do or when to do it or anything after this! evoire: .... mew. mew: huh? yeah? evoire: must we not... ever see each other again after this? mumbles that but mew hears it mew: smiles of course not! evoire, im just tired of having a room mate whos constantly in my face! i dont mind seeing you again! youre my friend! evoire: ... huh.... friend. mew: head tilt you never knew? evoire: ... i mean..... mew: huffs a bit well! dont worry about it, we can make sure you dont doubt it after we go through with this! evoire: i.. dont really have a choice regardless, do i? mew: uh...... im not, going to really answer that hahah. mew: i mean the other answer would just to let your soul roam free into wherever the dead go. mew: maybe youd see your old friends and family again if you did! mew: but i know you dont want that yet- i know you didnt get to live your life to its fullest yet! mew: but... i dont think you really did it through me. mew: i mean! mew: im so happy you got to see so much more /through/ me! mew: but i know your story isnt over yet. and neither is mine. warm glow evoire: .... gives a ghost of a smile that turns into a bit of a more real smile ... yes. it certainly is not.

[putris-et-mulier]

I had a hard time growing up with my father cause he does what we'd call tough love I guess, but I'm pretty sure a lot of it was abuse. But I always wanted to have kids and I am really good with em, people always point it out cause theres this idea guys arent supposed to be good with kids, that is ridiculous. But I think I just wanna prove I'd be a better father than him... All the discussion here about abortion and reasons to be a parent and wanting to be kinda savior to your kids it really 1/2

it really made me reconsider why I want to have kids. I don’t think proving I’d be a good dad is enough reason and also seems like a burden to put on the kid… idk if this makes sense. I wouldn’t ask a girl to abort cause thats her decision and I’m bi so I also think a lot about adoption. If I happen to have kids I will try my best to be a good dad but now I think I will wait and try to work out my issues first… that I don’t anything to my father and I dont have to live to prove him wrong.

Firstly, you definitely need to work on those issues before you have children in any fashion, especially adoption, because not wanting disability doesn’t protect your children from becoming disabled

Secondly, you might want to consider adopting older NTAB children because so many don’t get adopted and if they do become disabled they will still have NTAB conditioning so it won’t be like raising a child from a foreign culture but even then you have to make sure it’s the right choice for you

Thirdly, you don’t have to prove anything.

As someone who has always been in and out of hospitals and doctors offices for 30 years I can tell you that male nurses are by far the best and most any female nurse that has worked with one will tell you the same.

There is this misconception that men can’t be carrying or compassion or safe but men who go into that line of work or just sincerely want to be fathers like mine are the absolute best. I know it takes a unique person to be like this, male or female, but in this case I think masculine conditioning is actually beneficial.

Cis women are expected to bear pain better than cis men despite what the social rhetoric says and because they are conditioned to hide pain so often they have less empathy for other people in pain. They are also expected to be in those positions so they tend to be there because it’s expected, not because they actually care.

For anyone out there male or non-binary who is interested in becoming a nurse or caretaker or aides in classrooms and at disabled camps or special ed teacher, or anything involving disabled kids, please pursue this interest!

I have MD and it’s very rare in females so when I went to MDA camp there were just a few of us girls in a cabin but many other ones for the male children. Before McDonald’s bought it and used it as a way to make money off of experimenting on disabled children (I haven’t mentioned that in a while so a lot of you may not know the story) anyway, before that the counselors were all teenagers. There was an adult staff but they were there to supervise all of us, having teenage NTAB counselors be the only ones that took care of us or live with us was absolutely amazing.

We didn’t feel like we were being monitored constantly because everyone was a teenager which meant they were young and cool, everybody wants to be a teenager when you’re a kid. They also treated us like we were just kids, not disabled kids. We were cute and we were just there to have fun around our own people so they were there primarily as counselors, no one had formal training or anything so they hadn’t been taught not to listen to us yet. They all knew first-aid and were told about the conditions but they didn’t know what to do to take care of us so they asked and they listened. It was like this magical place until McDonald’s House™ bought us but things weren’t quite as good for my male peers. But let me put my epiphany in context.

Every single night the teenagers had a huge party. They took shifts on who would stay with us at night so everyone spent at least half their nights getting absolutely wasted and having casual sex in the woods.

There was always one night when the campers all had a “dance” and the counselors were always excited to give us a good time because we were so adorably excited to have our own party with them. And the counselors off nighttime shift those nights partied heavier than ever and those who didn’t want to were more than happy to just sleep with us. They weren’t buzz skills, they were helping people party.

It was the closest thing to a utopia I’ve ever experienced.

None of this would be allowed to go on anymore and it wouldn’t have been at that time either if the adults knew what was going on but we were all in it together, we were all technically kids. Even though our counselors were also kids we were always the safest when they were running things. The type of person who is going to even be interested in doing something like this let alone doing it to that extent is still that type of person even if they are away from home. They partied hard, really hard, and since they had the freedom to do so they took responsibility. Everyone had equal time at the parties and none of them resented us because we weren’t a responsibility, we were just too young to party so everyone who actually wanted some sleep was happy to be there in the cabins with us at night, it was especially fun for us in the girls cabin because each night we had different counselors telling us all the gossip so we ended up knowing everyone’s dirty laundry.

There were a very few teenage campers but they were “allowed” to go to the parties because they weren’t crippled kids, they were other teenagers. This also encouraged the older kids with MD to feel like capable human beings and so they would help look after all of us kids which is an experience every disabled child should have. They were cool because they were teenagers but they were also one of us, they weren’t one of them.

None of them did this because anyone was trying to socialize them or “make them feel important” by giving them “responsibilities” they did it because they wanted to. Everyone was in on it together and everyone wanted to have the best time possible so they chipped in during so they could party harder at night. It probably goes without saying that it was an amazing example for those of us who were younger.

We were observant so we always knew when someone was being forced or “assigned” to look after us but these guys weren’t, they treated us like little brothers and sisters because our bond came organically. We actually had role models that were one of us, going to the camp was one of the first times that a lot of kids realized that they could have the chance to be actual teenagers.

It’s kind of funny, they were young enough that they didn’t have a hard time bouncing back from a night of drinking or going without sleep but it made mornings easier for us children because a lot of them were waking up with something that felt like a bit of chronic illness themselves so they couldn’t have forced us to use all of our spoons first thing in the morning even if they wanted to.

But one night a party had gotten too hardy and so there was a shortage of capable counselors the next morning and the shortage was in the male cabins, the girls could always hang. Our counselors split up to go help get all the kids up which took a lot of time. The counselors that were best taking care of us physically split up amongst all of the cabins and that morning we had some of the female counselors from the male cabins come to help us instead of all of our usual ones.

I got a girl I eventually got an innocent childhood crush on, she was always “one of the boys” but she was so confident that no one would have described her like that, she was just herself and that made her a badass. She was also beautiful but I did have legitimate non-shallow reasons!

I was a lot stronger then so I was taking off all of my pajamas as quickly as I could because we all knew about the situation so I was trying to get undressed as quickly as possible so she could help one of the younger kids but she stopped me from taking my shirt off.

She said that I could keep it on while she was helping me into my pants so I wouldn’t be completely naked. I laughed to let her know it was no big deal and told her that I didn’t mind. That’s what I learned to say to the nurses throughout my life to make them a little less resentful about me but it didn’t work on her.

She looked extremely frustrated and I realized years later she wasn’t frustrated with me, per se, she was frustrated with what I had said. She said, “there’s no reason you have to be completely naked in front of everyone, most people don’t do that.”  I didn’t know what to do because I only learned to make “normal” people feel as comfortable as possible so I tried to tell her it was fine but she cut me off and said, “You know that I work in one of the boys cabins even though I’m a girl? It’s because there aren’t a lot of guy counselors so none of the boys get any modesty. I only help change one thing at a time so the boys don’t feel completely embarrassed and they still get to feel like boys.”

That was language I understood even if the concept blew me away and it’s something that comes to mind quite often.

I suddenly noticed that there were usually only people around us that had vaginas. That had to be weird for the guys. I then noticed that that they were treated like girls, not like NTAB boys. I’ve always wondered if it was any different for the boys who like other boys, because I figured that must make them more uncomfortable.

Disabled people are conditioned to be asexual but a heteronormative asexual. We are expected to get “crushes” and it’s completely safe because we can’t have sex. Why medical professionals think you can’t have sex because you sit down a lot I have no idea.

Imagine how little representation or participation socially that  gender and sexual minority children get, it’s a million times worse when they are disabled. There has been and always will be a huge need for people to work in caretaking positions that aren’t cis women.

[lovelesswiki]

Post-Moonless predictions— Good and Evil (7/10)

previous part<–[here] –> next part

for the last week or so, i’ve been talking about a large theory i’ve been writing. since finishing it, i’ve decided to publish it in parts, since it’s actually about 10 different theories all on one subject. since it’s all written out, i’ll try to be publishing one part of this per day.

essentially, this is a set of theories about what i believe will have to happen in order to properly lead up to a climax–the one we’ve been building up to for years and years now. so, these are what i theorize will happen after the first moonless vs beloved battle, broken up into ten different parts. each theory is explained and theres images for each one.

table of contents (bolded is the post you’re looking at):

moonless and beloved will rematch (1)

soubi will fall into a deep depression and possibly become suicidal (2)

ritsuka will arrive at seven voices, SM’s activity will be revealed (3)

SM will reveal that there was a mole in their organization (4)

kio will be the one to take ritsuka to goura (5)

ritsuka will find things out about soubi and the aoyagi family (6)

SM’s true purpose will be revealed. ritsuka will have to make a decision about good vs evil (7)

seventh SM member will be revealed (8)

nagisa will find out what really happened to sanae (9)

ritsuka will be asked to join SM to fill the aoyagi seat (10)

Theory: ritsuka will discover that SM is a ‘good’ government organization made up of people who have done bad or morally questionable things. he will be forced to begin seeing the world in shades of grey instead of black and white, and this will be important for him in terms of character development and growing up.

Note: this theory is sort of the climax of this series of theories. the things that follow it are important, but most of the theories i’ve written in this series so far have amounted to this and the things that follow this theory will rely on it.

ive said this before and ill say it again–one of the biggest parts of ritsuka’s characterization is the fact that he sees everything in terms of ‘black’ and ‘white’, and this is especially obvious with people. hes very young, and part of the story is about him growing up and maturing into a teenager. among many other things, loveless is a story about growing up. while this extends to many other characters–soubi, natsuo and youji, even some of the more childish adults–it’s particularly obvious with ritsuka, since he’s our main character.

while growing up, it’s detrimental for a person to start to experience the world in shades of grey, and ritsuka notoriously does not do this fully yet. this is the reason that ritsuka is/was struggling so much with labeling seimei as a bad person. for the first five or so volumes, readers were typically only given ritsuka’s side of seimei with only very strong hints into soubi’s seimei, hints that were strongly ignored because of the fact that the story is primarily told through ritsuka’s eyes and ritsuka didn’t want to believe any of the signs that his brother was a bad person. this sustained the ‘mystery’ for about five volumes, before it all came to a head during the wisdom resurrection game, where ritsu, nagisa, and seven all unceremoniously shoved it into both ritsuka and the readers’ faces. from there, it is all completely downhill and seimei’s character turns into one of the most evil and terrible people possible very quickly.

(pictured: 2 assholes and 1 shut-in decide to tell a child that his brother was a terrible person and traumatize him by implying that he’s alive.)

in addition to this, we saw septimal moon in the same way for the first 8 volumes. up until soubi and ritsuka arrive at the school and actually witness SM and who they are, they were seen as an evil organization who had unfairly put out a death warrant for an innocent seimei. at around volume 8, septimal moon does a huge meta heel-face turn and it’s revealed that SM are actually the good guys, and aoyagi seimei has actually raped, murdered, and extorted his way into total criminality, and thats the reason septimal moon unanimously drew up a death warrant for him.

(christ, even the mole and the girl who was your only friend voted to have you murdered. you know youve failed as team-player when literally every one of your co-workers legitimately wants you dead.)

the thing is, though, that we havent actually been told what septimal moon is yet and what they do. now, it’s pretty clear to me what they do, and we’ll get to that in a second, but the fact of the matter is that ritsuka doesn’t know, and that’s pretty important right now.

so what is septimal moon?

to put it simply, there is nothing else it could be but a government organization.

this isn’t exactly a theory. there’s too much evidence pointing to it, and enough evidence that there’s literally nothing else it could be. let’s break this down a little with things we know–SM is an organization. SM has the power and the authority to execute and punish criminals, as well as to detain them and write out death warrants. this means that they have their own system of laws. since they’re very professional about it, we can assume that other government organizations let them do this or work with them. aside from this, SM has an education branch (headed by ritsu), a medical research branch (headed by nagisa), at least 1 hospital and school, a set judge/executioner (mikado), teams that they send out for (law) enforcement, and a lot of resources and funds (funds to do research, funds for building and upkeep of facilities, funds to keep their organization running, funds to pay their members apparently well since nagisa lives in a three bedroom place and mikado has a penthouse apartment). they also are implied to keep detailed records on many, many people (see: the chapter where seven realizes what records were stolen by who the records talked about). each member has a designated role and they vote on things that have an affect on the fighter-sacrifice society.

taking all this into account, i have no idea what else SM could be other than an organization that governs over the fighter-sacrifice world. the world has its own society with its own norms and seemingly, with its own laws, and it operates outside of the legislation of country borders. SM is well respected and well known, as we’ve seen in canon, and in theory should be balanced and should operate well (see above point about the mole for why it currently does not).

so, SM is a government organization that precedes over the fighter-sacrifice world. let’s talk about its make-up. the organization does have a few rules that it operates by. there doesnt seem to be much of an age requirement for having a seat on the council, as mikado is 14 and seimei was 17, and i suspect they will soon be asking an even younger member to join. the seats are passed down throughout the family, but it doesn’t seem to matter what gender the seat goes to, as nagisa, mikado, seven, and chouma are all female and seimei and ritsu are male.

it appears that the council shares power equally, though ritsu is an egotistical narcissist and doesn’t appear to like this. the only requirement to be on the council, besides being one of the seven families, is being a sacrifice. surprisingly, ive seen people debate this, but im going to explain two reasons why this is a fact and not a theory–first, the way fighters are treated as a whole in society and secondly, we are literally told that fighters are not allowed at septimal moon meetings.

lets start with the first part of that. so far, every member who has a confirmed battle role in SM has been a sacrifice. granted, this is only 3 out of the 7 (ritsu, mikado, and seimei), but it’s still pretty significant. however, whats more significant is the way fighters are treated. in the fighter-sacrifice world, fighters are absolutely far, far below sacrifices. this is shown in a couple of different ways, from the fact that it’s completely accepted for a sacrifice to physically beat or verbally put down a fighter, but it’s not accepted for the other way around. in addition to this, fighters are expected to kill themselves if their sacrifices die. this is told to soubi’s face over and over again. however, the opposite is not true. sacrifices are implied to far outlive fighters. whereas a fighter is expected to die early on, sacrifices seem to live far longer. also, there’s the simple fact that sacrifices have an entire system in place for replacements if their fighters die.

to be fair, the bad treatment of fighters seems to be more with the older generation in the series than with the younger generation. for example, mikado seems to view tokino as her equal and does not seem to think of him as lesser. however, ritsu is shown to think of fighters as tools and of entirely lesser beings and even in his youth, he treated his fighter terribly (which ended by him drowning her in a pond with her dying to try to please him). nagisa is said to hate fighters, though it’s interesting to note that kouya, one of her favorites, is a fighter (though youji–a sacrifice–is also her favorite). seimei is seimei and treats his fighters like actual garbage. the point is that even though the younger generation doesnt treat their fighters badly, the practice of doing so is still widely accepted. since the council is made up of people who are widely respected and seen as the governing force of the society, there is no way they would allow a class of people who are seen as lesser onto the council.

secondly, early on in loveless, it’s stated offhandedly that fighters arent actually allowed in septimal moon council meetings. it’s easy to miss, but this was when ai and midori went to report back to septimal moon about ritsuka. ritsu immediately reprimanded midori for brining ai to the council headquarters and told him that she [fighters] weren’t allowed there, so it’s safe to say that fighters aren’t even allowed at council meetings.

given that the requirements to be on the council is to be part of one of the seven families and that the person must be a sacrifice and that the council shares power and votes on issues, it’s fair to say that SM could be considered a parliament. or, more humorously and maybe more accurately, SM can be considered to be like the commission, which is a council of the five families of the mob where activities of the world are monitored and observed and seats are passed down through the family. regardless, it’s fair to say that these rules exist and that the purpose of SM is to act as some sort of government organization separate from that that operates within a country’s borders.

ritsuka doesn’t know any of this, though. or, he might know some things, but he certainly hasnt figured it out yet. hes going to, though, since i dont personally see a way the story can progress with SM in it if he doesnt find out exactly what it is that these people do, especially considering ritsuka’s minor storyline of growing up and starting to see the shades of grey in the world.

the way i see it happening is like this–ritsuka will learn about the organization and will learn that it’s a government organization with laws and rules and branches to help precede over their world. he will learn about the fighter-sacrifice world (though he probably will not yet learn about the origins) and the laws, rules, and society surrounding it. because of all this, he will start to think of SM as a ‘good’ organization because the organization in practice is for the good of the people. he will not immediately see the dysfunction that i talked about in the bulletpoint about the mole.

however, he will start to see it very quickly. in the previous point, i talked about ritsuka discovering soubi’s past with ritsu and discovering the past of his own family, but i didnt expand upon how ritsuka would react to it, and i also discussed SM’s dysfunctional members when i talked about the mole. his reaction is detrimental to this bulletpoint. ritsuka will have to face the fact that the ‘good’ organization has a lot of people in it who have done bad things.

to put this in perspective, let’s have a look at what we currently know about the SM members. first up we have ritsu, who raped and abused soubi in his childhood repeatedly and so severely that it destroyed any ability or chance for soubi to function as a normal person. he is egotistical and narcissistic to the point that it interferes in every relationship that he has. he possibly drowned his fighter in a pond and fans speculate that he may be the cause of the former agatsumas’ deaths. he was obsessed with a woman to the point that he ruined her son as a way to get back at her/replace her. hes the reason that soubi was given to seimei in the first place and the reason soubi cant function socially. he also lied to ritsuka during the WR game and still acts creepily towards soubi. i have no doubt that when ritsuka discovers all this, he is going to be absolutely disgusted with him and everything hes done.

then we have nagisa. in literal terms, nagisa has performed acts of human experimentation. she has experimented on humans and views them as interchangeable parts because she wants to win an imaginary game with ritsu. she views the kids that shes created as worthless and next to nothing and only wants them near her so that she doesnt feel abandoned. she shoved natsuo and youji onto soubi at the drop of a hat and it’s strongly implied that she rarely took care of them at all. i dont think ritsuka will take kindly to any of this, either.

(ah, yes, the Traditional Loveless Parenting Style™)

then we have mikado and chouma. theyve done admittedly less things that are less personal to ritsuka than the above two, but the fact still stands that mikado did support seimei up until his betrayal of her and did seem to know about the things he was doing off to the side and didn’t seem to put a stop to them. we also don’t know if she was betrayed before or after seimei’s death warrant was signed. if it was after, then she stuck with him, despite knowing what he was doing. however, her rape and betrayal might have been what put the death warrant in place, so we don’t know if it happened before or after seimei faked his death. chouma, on the other hand, besides being a mole, caused havoc within kio’s family, and it’s unknown how much of an effect on the family she has. also things that im not sure ritsuka would like.

then we have seimei, who i dont need to go into. hes an asshole.

from this, to a child, it very much seems like SM is made up of ‘bad’ people. or, at least, people who have done bad things. but, the organization is ‘good’ because it tries to do ‘good’ things. the point of this bulletpoint is that this disagreement will cause a lot of struggle within ritsuka, because it goes against the very way that he thinks.

in short, when ritsuka finds out about the true purpose of SM and the stories behind the members, he will be forced to realize that not everything in the world falls into the categories of ‘black’ and ‘white’. the concept of black vs white is very prevalent in loveless, and especially in battles, particularly the loveless vs nisei battle, in which soubi and nisei pitted the concepts of black (evil) vs white (good) against each other.

as a note with this point, i do personally see ritsuka’s perception of seimei changing. a big turning point in this was the discussion of mikado’s betrayal and an even bigger turning point was when seimei came to the graveyard, completely ignored ritsuka, and took the one thing from him that ritsuka had. i personally believe that seimei made a huge mistake in doing this and will be paying for it soon.

[ramblingsandruminations]

When Suicidal Ideation is the norm

All the help in the world becomes a muddy puddle of shitty affirmations, thorned gaslighting, and useless guilt. If one more person tells me "have you tried yoga/deepbreaths/vitamin B..." Ugh. Who am i kidding? This is tumblr, where you can always find somone who says exactly what you are thinking ( #omgmetho #datme #meirl ). Weve all heard the "stop giving advice and atart taking it " speech, we're all likely to have read some post about the "evils" and " abuses" of therapy and inpatient treatment, and I'll bet a paper hat, some vending machine doodad, or some shitty-yet-adorably-hipsterly prize that within 100 reblogs someone links to some news article about "Queer Youth Completes Suicide And We Think You Will Pay Us to Feel Bad About It, Don't Forget To Like, Share, and Subscribe to Trevor Project, Your Reblog Will Save A Life (And Keep Us Relevant For Our Advertisers)." Tomorrow(well, next daylight hours) my 26-year-old depressed college freshman self is going to walk into my schools coubseling office and tell them i never recieved the location for the therapist they reffered me to (true story--Honestly not avoiding treatmwnt, even if it is useless) and request a second referral. Ill sit through some lecture about self-advocacy veiled in "concerned questions" and once again be misgendered, deadnamed, and criticized for giving a fuck (note: commenters looking to describe me with the word "cuck," i see you there, good for you, let me know how that white kkknight holier than thou red pill rage fest dopamine addiction is filling the gaping void of existential dread within you). After that, there is always a small chance they'll see just how depressed i am, and faster than you can say "looney is a word based in misogynistic beliefs of womens mental health and menstrual cycles being unhealthily and unscientifically connected to the moon," ill be fielding questions which boil down to "do you want to kill yourself" and "do you have a plan." By this time in my life, i've gotten pretty used to BSing my way around psychology. All it really takes is knowing that all they can take you on is your word, and nothing else. "Do you want to kill yourself?" they ask, and i reply "*short pause, heavy, short exhale denoting weight and truth* Well, yeah. But quite frankly, suicidal ideation is a part of my everyday life- nothing i do isn't plagued with some form of "i should wrap this mouse cord aroubd my neck and die" or " i wonder if that branch is strong enough to support my weight" or "man, my head hurts, but i bet a bottle or two of ibuprofen could make it stop." For me, its not a question of wanting to die, its a matter of what do i have to live for, and ive been through enough inpatient DBT and group therapy to help me cope, using breathing techniques and self-care tips to push me through the worst of it." This is usually if not always all they need to hear. Sure, im depressed, but anything they could tell me is something i know and am already doing-i sound to them more like a patient leaving inpatient than one entering it. Our hospitals are overfilled, understaffed, prqctucally unfunded; if im "stable" im staying out of their ledger book. Occasionally, they still worry, having one of those "consciences" their peers claim to have lost when a schizophrenic patient tried to bite their ear off, and ask a follow up "but are you sure? You seem distressed, and if you need some help, we are here for you," to which all i have to do is look at them through sad, but strong eyes and say "Thank you, but i have a great support network of friends and of course, my boyfriend. He's fantastic, and one of the most important things to have happened to me. He keeps me on this side of the dirt." A small tired chuckle, and their focus diverts towards affirmations of how good it is to have support, their therapy brains running on autopilot. Then all it needs is some "active" listening, uh-huhs, and compliant assurance that ill keep working on myself to assuage them of any guilt or corncern. Maybe, though, ill tell them the truth, and let them take me in. Three hots and a cot, after all. I'll fight through my dysphoria as they ogle every nook and cranny of my malformed body trying to see if im hiding a weapon or some drugs; I'll continue to insist on a private room and remind them calmly yet firmly that no, i will *not* room with a male, and their lack of knowledge on how to treat a transgender non-binary patient is well behind on proper treatment according to WPATH, the APA, and our state govt. When i get a room, theyll say that i should take as much time as i need to get acclimated, and not worry about what the rwat of group is qorking on, and then contradict themselves within 5 minutes and say i need to go to group, theyre waiting on me. In my fresh new scrubs, ill walk in and within seconds, ill identify how th staff monitors who came in when (usually different colored scrubs based on different halves of the week, and of course, anyone likely to leave within 48 hours wearing "normal" clothes), and see the therapist or doctor talking about emotional management techniques. When i sit down, eeyes will be on me, some with looks of angey jusgemwnt, some with awe and wonder: what could THEY be in for? The group leader will ask me my name, ill state it and my pronouns (to several uncomfortable shifts in the room), and theyll let me know what they were talking about. Ill make a good effort to participate, play along, etc. Someone in the group will be desperate to control the conversation, talking more and more as if this entire experience is just for them- another person will be too dissociated to say anyrhing, despite the doctors attebpts to get them to open up. Already, the cliques will become apparent; humans are aocial creatures, after all. When we leave for the next scheduled activity (either rec or lunch, depending on the time) the docs will be watching me- im on suicide watch, and they expe t me to jump out a window or try and slit my wrists with a paperclip or something. Im not a danger in this regard; ive been threatened with solitary and ECT if i dont comply before- i am their prisoner and i must comply. Within an hour or two of being there, ill be able to notice how well funded they are (or more likely, arent.) The quality of their reading materials; the availability of puzzles abd how well taken care of they appear. Recreation will be the most bare of kindergarden activities; coloring books, maybe a tv with basic cable. A daycare for adults, abd not the cool buzzfeed articles. Someone, probably an addict, will be trying to fanangle their attendee into giving them special treatement- a snack, or an extra smoke break. I'll be sitting in a corner, smirking- the staff arent even an eigth as dumb as this person thinks, and they've seen this type before. They might get something, but itll cost them sour looks from staff and less accommodating treatment with the doctors. After the second hour, we'll have another activity (second group, rec, or maybe "outside time" if its a particularly fancy facility; while the sun will certainly be shining, our feelings of freedom will be dampened by the high fances and walls keeping us from getting away). This is usually wheb the realization sets in that im stuck here for 72 hours plus, and ill be counting them down to stave off boredom. 15-30 minutes in to this third hour, ill be called in to meet tye psychiatrist, fisrt meeting with an attendee to fill out the generic details, then 30-45 minutes of diagnosis before im told ill be put on ab antidepressant, an anxiolytic, and tramodol, a sedative marketed as "something to help me sleep" and "another antidepressant" which makes me laugh every time. Tramodol is the auppressant, the "slow down" drug which helps keep everyobe on a nice, calm level thats safer for the orderlies. Were i violent, id concur; instead, i begin to wonder how long it will take before i no longer feel persistently asleep once i leave. A couple weeks, likely. Hopefully, the food will be good, but not likely 5 star- one place ive stayed had been cooking for us in the break room, sometimes PB&J, sometimes microwaved quesadillas. Maybe theyll have more drink options than coffee, water, and sugar-free koolaid- maybe not. Likely not. Some of us will complain; most of us will know it is a fruitless endeavor. After another group or two, it will be dinner, then wrap up group. We will discuss what progress we think we made today, and be sent to bed after meds are distributed in little paper ketchup cups. Most places wont do the "cuckoos nest" tongue check, but some will, particularly the ones with kleptos and pill ODers. Lights oyt will be around 10 pm, the beds will be plasticky and the blankets thin, and sleep will only cone rhanks to our sedatives. Day two, we'll be woken early, around 6-7, by an orderly checking our blood pressure and body temp. Well all gather in the hallway, rubbing sleep out of our eyes and head to the eating area for breakfast- which loooking back will likely be the best meal of the day, not the least be ause we have access to augar and caffiene. By now, i will likely have made a friend, probably with an older woman or two, and we will enjoy surreptitiously smirking at each other when the teoublemaker patwnt tries to get an omlette or something silly. Someone will start telling fanciful stories dreamed up in the night; talk will eventually turn to who is leaving today. The orderlies will be trying to not look too interested in what we reveal to each other instead of them. They will not succeed in this. Ths first morning they will use as a test of how i deal with frustration. An older nurse will act exasperated, as though taking care of me is a curse she was tasked with. She will try to cut theough any response i give her, and rudely discount anything i try to say, as if accuaing me of lying. Knowing it is coming doesnt help it hurt less. If it overwhelms me, ill be labeled as dramatic- if not, as detached. Sluggish from the new medications, i will be treated as though i ahould not be here, and will be led aroubd more quickly than i am rady to be. I will notice that part of it is that i am beginning to realize how broken down i feel i am. Reaching out will result in canned answers and "the doctor is busy's". After all, this iant about me, and theyve seen my type before. At lunch, i will be upset by the bland meal, abd ask if they have any hot sauce, or maybethey will be out of a preferred tea, or the food will not be enough to feed me. The newcomer who arrived at morning group will share a look with the quiet patient. I will try not to notice the parallels. A therapist will ask to talk to me today. It may be a nice session, but will essebtially boil down to "let me give you ideas for solving your problems, so that your depression seems more managed." By the end of the day, they will already begin my release plan. Theyve fixed me, they are sure. I will also get my clothes back. The aurvey will be slightly different today; instead of asking on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being best abd 10 being worst how was my day, it will be the opposite: scale of 1-10 with 1 being worst and 10 being best. This way, they can track how much is me being honest, and how much is me remembering numbers to fake it. (Once, a nurse messed up so often that it was a sentence by sentence change). Later, if there is any improvement, it will be used by the hospital as signs that treatment is helping; if it gets worse, that i had a rough day and shouldnt think much of it. Bedtime will come, and i will relish it- being sedated takes a lot out of a person. When morning comes, the eggs will feel soggy and cereal with be a much better choice. A bagel will be carried into morning group and more DBT will be discussed. I will mostly be checked out; they are pulling most of their material from a 12 step program, and the leader is a student of psychology learning how to help people, but ive heard it all before, and that sense of guilt just pushes me towards suicide harder. At this point, ill feel just how desperate they are to get me out; nurses eill hint at things being the "wrong" answer with " you dont REALLY mean that, do you sweetie?" and " well, you cant keep thinking THAT way, or we'll have to keep you here longer." Boredom and longing for home will encourage me to pretend to be better, and not tell them how last night before falling asleep i stared at the vedfrane wondering if i could take it apart and form a springwire noose, or tear the blankets to make a rope. When they ask if im feeling better, it will actually mean "are you done with your timeout from reality? Have you learned how to fit in properly yet?" The meds wont really begin having a noticable effect for months- they know im lying. What they hope for is a glimmer of hope and a mountain of guilt for wanting to hurt others by hurting myself. Ill fake those, too. Still, ill be misgendered. Still, theyll blame hormones and buzzfeed rather than neurology and chemistry. After all, im well-adjusted, not at all like the Caitlyn Jenners and Wachowskis they read about on their facebooks. Its just a phase, and im just confused. I didnt try to hurt myself- nothing is *really* wrong with me. What can i do? Try and strangle myaelf, or others? That just means im lashing out, and ill get a new med regime and another 3 days, this time strapped down. Being strapped to a bed and left alone is mind-numbingly boring. If i tell them i still want to kill myaelf, theyll just nod their head and tell me it will go away soon; if i say i have a plan, rheyll keep me playing chess and reading AA papers until i apologize. Their job is not to fix me, their job is to stabilize me and make sure i dont break myself more. The fixing is my responsibility. Day four is release day. They will claim i have made improvements and have me fill out an action plan for when i feel depressed again. It will include people i can call, and ways i can push through bad feelings. It is my exit exam.when i pass, ill be set up with a therapist outside the hospital later in the week, and told how to connect with various resources. They will think i didnt know there were trans support groups. I will think that if it was just a support group i needed, i wouldnt dream of death. Neither of us will admit these things. And so, ill come back to school. Late on homework, i will have to prostrate myaelf with dictors note beggibg for forgiveness. I will get it, more due to policy than empathy, and at the end of the day, i will lay in bed, stare up at the ceiling, and contemplate which of my top three anchor spots would be the best ending to my story. Other than medical bills, nothing will have changed. Life drones on. I think i understand why death seems,so much better. In death, i can pretend there is a solution. In death, i can imagine a cure. In death, i can envision a caretaker and easier existence. It doesnt matter that death is the end of it all- i can pretend it willl be more, and my imagination can create many comforts in that void. But even death is a lie, and nothing will ever stop hurting.