#ill never get tired of sharing this clip to the world actually

[convex-solos]

i can’t express enough how much watching this clip changed my life

[akumaalert]

not a request just sharing bc i couldn't stop thinking of just "what if lucky called heis good boy" like how he calls her good girl sometimes but like.. i'm pretty sure he would break

This was supposed to be a mini-fic....but...uh....it'll likely be the first chapter of "Divergence" instead LMAO But hope you enjoy!

Good Boy

Karl Heisenberg x Reader, Explicit

CW: Masturbation, Accidental Voyeurism, Voyeurism, Happy Ending, Virgin!Karl Heisenberg

An AU happening during chapter 19 of "Heavy Metal Lover" but can be read without reading the main story.

"Unfh..."

That had been the first noise from Lucky besides the scratch of a pencil against paper that he had heard in about an hour.

Stuck in his office with her as he searched for a misplaced - not lost, just misplaced! - core schematic, Heisenberg tried to ignore the nagging thought of how domestic the space had become. Lucky never moved his things - something he was infinitely grateful for. He could recall too well his ever boiling frustration at having his room "cleaned" when living in the castle. The maids were well-meaning, but always adjusting. The room he had held would have felt more his own had he been able to move his own furniture around without the chambermaids fawning over him.

"No, no, young Lord Heisenberg! This is all wrong...off you go...go play...we will fix this mess."

Now on his own and in his element of chaos, he felt comforted, even if secretly so, that Lucky never seemed to complain.

Comforted...but cautious.

The day at the stronghold seemed stamped into his memory...right in the front for all to see. It remained a wonder Lucky didn't see it on his face.

The knowledge.

The horrible, horrible knowledge.

Love.

Staring at an old newspaper clip-out that he had saved with a picture of a modern car on its faded pages, he absently pushed the glasses back up his nose.

It tired him - the constant need to flip back and forth between acknowledging his feelings and thrusting them as far down as he could manage. Drowning them out with that beautiful sound of cinching machinery. Allowing them to seep into him with every laugh from her lips.

Heisenberg was starting to fall in love with the woman. The woman he had failed to kill - the lucky one to survive his maze. The woman his mother expected him to impregnate in order for Miranda's mad vessel to be born and to be killed all in the name of misery.

Misery otherwise known as Eva.

Slowly but certainly, Lucky was driving him insane. Reminding him of things he could never, ever have. Teasing him over and over for days on end.

Heisenberg remembered all too well his reason for entering the office. He had nearly sliced his own arm clean off his shoulder when he lost himself to his situation. To the possibility that, despite his body being so ill-suited for the task, Lucky could have his child. Would want his child. His thoughts, as they so often did, snapped back to the need for freedom - for the need for the arms to come loose from his latest corpse to transform them into one of his many soldiers.

But the more he thought of freedom, the more she sat in the background of his mind.

The more she sat there, the more his tired musings began to stitch together.

The more freedom and Lucky - the two dreams of his world - became intertwined.

He had been thinking of her - of Lucky - beside him the day that he won freedom from the village.

Won freedom...and her.

"You did it, Heis! You did it!"

Lucky would never know how dear it was to him...the fact that her emotions ran so freely with her very being. Beaming. She would do nothing less than beam at him. Her eyes would glow and crinkle at their tails as they did when she gave him her most genuine smiles.

"You did it. You're free. Our...our family is free."

"...family?"

She would grab his hand. Just one. He needed the other steady on her cheek.

Lucky would bring that hand clasped in her own to her belly.

"Our family..."

"Our...another...another Heisenberg?"

In his dreams, she shyly escaped his gaze to nod.

"You...you haven't been alone. Not with me. Not with the start of our family. But now...now, Heis..." Her eyes popped back up all soft and sincere. "Now you'll never be alone again. Not with our baby Heisenberg on the way..."

The only break from his reverie was the slice to one of his favorite stained t-shirts. Only the fact that it was Heisenberg's powers directing the saw had it falling to the floor instead of through his tensed skin.

Heisenberg could only stand in shocked silence. The arm that had been spared from the violence came to grab his shoulder. Though no injury had occurred, he felt stabbed all the same.

Family...and joy?

Lucky...with him?

Another Heisenberg...alive?

A thought washed over him like ice entering his veins.

A boy or a girl...would we have a boy or a girl first?

First.

As if Lucky wished to be objected to more of his perverted and preposterous daydreams.

When he left the room, the metal was still shaking.

"Gotta get that fucking schematic...keep forgetting it...keep going to the office and...fuck...keep talking to her. Gotta stop fucking talking to her. Schematic. Get the fucking schematic."

Lucky had been asleep in bed when he first entered. A rushing relief to his soul. But as the search for the schematic went from flipping through one file to frantically reshuffling the wayward stack the paper should have been in, he knew it was only a matter of time before she would appear.

"Oh...ah!" Lucky yawned all cute and squeaky. "Good morning, Heis."

"Morning," he said flatly. "You...you move any of these lately?"

"No," she said sleepily. "I don't touch those...way above my pay grade. What are you looking for?"

"Core schematic," he grumbled. "Not fucking here...where the hell did I put it?"

Though Lucky made a very pointless questioning noise, she said nothing as she sat down and began her daily transcriptions. Hell, he had been grateful. She showed concern because she was simply a good person beneath all of the trauma and the terror she had reigned on his self-image. But she didn't pry or attempt to enter his space afterward where she would clearly only be in the way.

But that was before her second moan filled the office.

"What's wrong with you?" he asked, never looking up from his stack of papers.

A frustrated sigh and a grumble came from the desk chair.

"Think I slept on my neck funny last night," she said. "Doesn't help that my posture is shit. Just making it impossible to find a good angle to work in."

Growing agitated at his fruitless search, Heisenberg whipped around to look at her. "Want some help?"

"Mmn?"

"Want a massage or something?" he offered. "A...ha! You'll find this funny. Supersized one up in the castle? Used to love to make me massage her neck when I was a kid. Fucking manual labor when I was barely old enough to write. Had maids to do it - an assload at that - and forced me to instead."

Raising an eyebrow at him, Lucky frowned. "Was it...did she...did she hurt you? Like...if you didn't do it?"

"Ah nah," he said, taking careful steps over to Lucky. "Told you...when I was a kid, I was off limits. I whine about it now...but...well...I was a kid. Bitch loves kids. So I had to massage her back...but only part of this stupid salon thing we used to do together. It was nothing. Stupid. Just like her."

He did not know what to make of Lucky's face. Tilting her head, she steadied a look on him that could only be called curious.

"It's...it's a good memory? Of Alcina when you were small?"

Heisenberg scoffed.

"It's a memory," he said, standing behind Lucky with a wide stance and an even wider stare at her neck. "Not good or bad...just...there. Now...where's it hurt, kid?"

Raising a hand, Lucky placed her fingers on a section of her neck before swirling her touch.

"Ah...there...like just this one spot, but fanning out..."

"Okay...looks like your C7."

"My what now?"

Chuckling, Heisenberg moved her hand out of the way. "Your C7 vertebrae. Duck your chin down so I can get in here properly."

Doing as she was told, Lucky's head moved forward and Heisenberg placed his gloved hands against her neck. His thumbs encased the pained area and began to move in slow yet sturdy circles.

Lucky immediately began squirming.

"Can you maybe try without the gloves?" she asked. "Those are like...rough or something."

Casting off his gloves quickly, Heisenberg rolled his shoulders before trying again. "Wah, wah, wah...doing you a favor and you're out here complaining. That better, your highness?"

"Yes, actually," she said, relaxing. "And thank you. Asshole."

Puffing air out of his mouth, Heisenberg merely shook his head as he kneaded her skin.

"Mmn!"

Heisenberg tried to hide his stillness by immediately starting to massage her skin again.

But the noise could not be ignored.

"What was that?"

"Your hands...they're so warm. Fuck...feels good."

"Oh..." he said dumbly. Blinking down at her, he turned his head away as he kept his fingers in motion.

The fact that his cock had begun to waken in his pants was not lost on him.

"Are you using your electric powers? Is that why it feels so good?"

"Nah...really shouldn't do that on the living above the waist."

Above the waist...but below the waist...

"Ah," he continued, running his teeth over the scar on his lower lip. "Cause of the heart or whatever. Probably your brain too from this angle. Could fry both without meaning to. And I was working...earlier. Probably why they feel hot."

Lucky sighed as he continued to work her neck. His fingers were sweeping but slow. He had started off so intently and so rough. What had happened?

I felt her skin. Felt her beneath me. Felt her neck...for all she knows I could snap it right now and instead of being afraid she's welcoming me...she trusts me...trusts me enough to let me do this...

The next round of his fingers on her neck dipped into skin purposeful in their worship.

Her response was immediate.

"Oh...oh...good boy," she whispered.

To say he was lost for words was like calling water wet.

Though he kept his massage in a rhythmic round, his eyes were wide as they could possibly be behind his glasses. So wide that they hurt.

What the hell did she just do to me?

If he had to go off of physical injury, he would say she punched him in the stomach with all the force of a train running at full speed.

If he had to go off of an attack to his psyche, he would say she wormed her way into some long buried and forgotten wire that sent his entire brain into overdrive.

If he had to go off the erection now straining against his paints, he would say that he was royally fucked.

"You really are so good at this," she said, her voice still breathless. "Good boy...my good boy, Heis."

Heisenberg snatched his hands away as if Lucky were lava.

"Wait! No...what's wrong?" she asked, turning slightly to look at him.

If she looks down...if she sees...

"GOTTA TAKE A SHIT!" he exclaimed suddenly.

Lucky's mouth dropped open as she gaped at him.

Then she nodded with a laugh playing at her lips.

"Yeah. Go. Just come back and finish your massage."

Before he could finish blinking, he found himself storming down the hallway.

Well...intending to storm. His gait was impacted a bit by his dick standing at full mast and his hands hurriedly attempting to unbuckle the straps around his pants.

So FUCKING dumb. A shit? Really? he thought, visibly grimacing. It would have probably been less embarrassing to admit I was about to jack it to her calling me hers.

Hers...her good boy...good...I'm her good boy...hahaha...

What am I? A fucking dog?

...don't answer that.

Rushing into the break room, he considered the couch before catching sight of the bathroom. With a flick of one wrist as his other hand pulled his cock from his underwear and pants, Heisenberg slammed open the bathroom door.

He managed to slide his pants down his legs as he sat on the toilet and closed the door with the weakest of hand movements.

Finally free from judgment, Heisenberg hissed as he fumbled his glasses to the nearby counter and took himself into his hand.

"Good boy...her good boy...fuck...fuck yeah I am, baby..."

A groan and a grunt fell from his lips as he jerked his hand along his shaft.

All too often this act had been nothing but release from tension. An exploration so technical and so tedious as to be boring. But now with Lucky at his side and in his bed - however platonically she slept there - the images that plagued him seemed vibrantly real and tempting in their joyful teasing.

Imaginings - hopes and dreams and fantasies - that he could only cling onto in the moment.

The desk.

He would take her right on that same desk she was taking notes on.

"Oh, Karl," she would say, despite not knowing his first name. "Gonna be my good boy?"

"Yes," he said aloud, eyes closing and mind prickling with sights of her and waves of pleasure.

Lucky would be splayed on his desk - lying on her back and presenting herself to him as if she were a meal to be consumed instead of a darling treasure to worship.

"That's good...only good boys are allowed to fuck me. Isn't that what you want?"

"Yes...yes...god fucking damnit. YES." Huffing and hating the tremble in his thighs, Heisenberg bucked into his hand. "Yes...only me...wanna be your good boy. I'll be so good for you. Only you, Mein Schatz..."

A dirty laugh from her lips. The Lucky of his dreams becoming more and more defined as she palmed one breast and teased her clit with the fingers of her other hand.

"Mmm...know what you're saying you know...my treasure...that's so cute...been feeling the same way about you lately...thinking of you...dreaming of you...my good boy want to tell me what else he's been feeling? Mmn? Big boy wanna tell me before you put your cock inside of me?"

Lips loose along with his pleasure, Heisenberg found he could not build his voice to say the words aloud.

So he mouthed them instead. Mouthed them and stuttered in his quest for pleasure as his hand curled about his shaft at the "lah" tipping silently from his tongue.

"Oh, darling..." A smile. She'd smile. Genuine and sweet and sincere and all for him. "I love you too, Karl."

"Mmnnn....ah...fu-UCK!" With a panicked inhale, Heisenberg quickly pinched the head of his cock to prevent his end from coming too soon. "No, no, no...not yet...not yet...please..."

Though the pleasure was unlike anything he had previously experienced and his calves clenched in protest of a release delayed, his oncoming orgasm stalled and began to fade.

"Such a good boy," said Lucky, eyeing him in his fantasy like she would look at a drink of water on a hot day. "That's right. You don't come until I tell you to. Understand?"

A nod of his head.

"Good, good boy. My good boy. Good Karl. Come on...think it's time you got your treat...here...I'll help you..."

With her fingers moving to fully expose the inside of that wet and preciously pink pussy of hers, Lucky looked up at him with a lidded look.

Heisenberg had no experience with another person when it came to handling his physical pleasure. Hell, with any pleasure or positive feeling at all. Except maybe the triumph of victory over others, he had never had the chance to experience happiness - true happiness and trust and faith in another soul.

Until her.

And for her...for her he would indulge and give himself freely...if only locked away inside of his mind.

Inexperience taking a back seat to passion, he pictured himself guiding his cock into her waiting and welcoming body. Maybe he would steady himself with a hand on her hip or simply with a heated stare into her eyes.

He all but strangled his cock to try to mimic a feeling he had never known and had never thought to miss before her.

"Uh-huh," whined Lucky in his dreams. "Oh...you're so big...fill me up just right. So fucking thick..."

"Hah...ah...your good boy big enough for you?"

"Yes...oh yes...yes...so big...such a perfect dick...please...please Karl...Heis...please, baby, please...Heis?"

When he began to rut into his own hand with a purpose, he felt flames like that of standing directly beside the blaring crucible dancing across his cheeks. Though some of his daydream seemed vague and hard to read, he had enough to know that he could not delay the inevitable for much longer. Lucky - the real and actual Lucky - was still waiting for him back in the office. Waiting and none the wiser to his desperate need for her affection. It sickened him - the want for anything and everything to do with her.

Sickened him...and sent electric shocks of white pleasure down his spine.

"So fucking perfect...you're so fucking perfect for me, Lucky...oh..."

"Heis..."

"Huh...ah...already so close...so damn worked up...can't stand it...can't stand you looking like that..."

"Like what?"

Heaving and heatedly squirming where he sat, Heisenberg noticed for the first time that one of his boots jutted up and down on the floor beneath him. As if his entire body refused to be still.

"Most beautiful fucking thing I've ever seen," he bit out. "Please...please, Luck...I know it's soon...but please..."

A tilted head and a gentle grin. A pointer finger that danced around her clit and drew his eyes away only long enough for her to breathe out shallow and short. His eyes snapped back to hers immediately.

"Please what?"

"Please let me come...let me come inside you...wanna...wanna take you...claim you...don't want you with anyone else ever again."

Glinting eyes and lush eyelashes.

"You're gonna be all that to me, Heis? Well...in that case..."

Her lips finding his own. His very first kiss - albeit imaginary. Her lips soft but without taste. His own lips puckering even as they trembled from the need for more.

"In that case," she continued, taunting him in his ear. "Come, Heis. Be a good boy and come for me."

Hindsight would have him chastising himself for not thinking to grab some tissue. In the moment, however, he was too busy panting and watching his cum dot the floor in thick strips. Heisenberg growled...tried to hold on to the image of her with one eye still closed.

Reality settled in on him. Settled in even as his stomach quivered underneath his shirt and his orgasm began to relax into his bones. It was pleasant and his every nerve seemed to stand on edge. Tingles of pleasure radiated from his chest to his feet flat against the floor. Gulping in air, he knew he had never come so hard before in his life. It was good...great even.

But it was not her. It was not enough.

Clean up was a quick and tedious affair. Lucky could not know what he had done in her quarters. The tissues he found too late to wipe his seed from the floor were tossed and flushed away. He checked the room once and then again once his shades were back on his face.

Finishing the belt at the top of his pants, he cleared his throat before exiting.

The television in the break room still hummed though it sat completely dead in the meager light from the ceiling.

Shit...glad she wasn't in here. Never had anyone here to care about when I got down to business...no telling what my powers do with electronics...

The schematic. He had to find that damn schematic.

Trying to level his breathing as he stalked the hallway, Heisenberg considered the day before him. Lucky had not wished to attend a revitalization attempt with him yet. While he didn't intend to push her into seeing something that might scar her again, it might be worthwhile to have her eyes in the room at some point. She hadn't complained about the notes yet. Maybe he should offer? Make it sound like a small deal and let her in when it was near completion? Give her a taste before exposing her to more?

Fucking stupid...it's all so fucking stupid...what happened to me? If she were any assistant, I would just drag her ass there and have her record the whole thing. Fuck me with all this concerned shit.

But she's not just any assistant...

Entering the office, he stilled at the doorway when he saw Lucky facing him from her chair.

"Uh...hey," he said, licking his lips. "Sorry about that. Took...ah...let's just forget it."

"Actually," she began. "I need to be honest with you. Because of what happened before..."

Eyebrows shooting up, he stood in silence before she continued.

"Um...so...I was sitting here...sitting here and trying to rub my neck or whatever..."

"Yes?"

"Well...the radio came on and it freaked me out a little bit..." She paused, her fidgety look dropping to the floor. "But...the more I listened...the more I...recognized your voice."

"My...my voice?"

"Yes."

Heisenberg could not move. He shouldn't be looking at her, but he was afraid if he blinked that the tension would break and she would begin laughing or cursing or, worst of all, apologizing.

"Umm...it...I heard you. And I guess you were...I guess it was real time." A tent of her fingers and a swallow in her throat. "I heard your comment and responded and...I think...I think you could hear me too. Possibly? You seemed to...seemed to be replying to what I said directly."

Shame. Shame for a million years fell on his shoulders that had felt so light before.

"Where?" he managed to say. "Where did you come in? What comment did you respond to?"

How she looked at him, he had no idea. She was far braver than he could ever be. Heisenberg planned to face down Miranda without a single hesitation one day on that glorious battlefield where his freedom could be won.

But now? Faced with Lucky standing and walking toward him with the full weight of her eyes upon him?

He looked away.

"You said...you asked me if my good boy was big enough for me."

The purr in her voice. The sound of her steps growing closer. The burn in his throat.

"After that," she said. "I called your name...I...responded to you and you to me."

"That didn't...I..." He shook his head. "I...umm..."

"Can I hold your hand?"

Head shooting up, Heisenberg caught her heated look. The same heated look she had worn in his dreams.

He nodded. Nodded even though he barely registered it until she took his hand and steps to press herself flush against him.

When she spoke, it was hushed and low.

For him and him only.

"I'm going to go to the bathroom...freshen up. Since we know you can communicate from the radio to the television...I want you to tell me when it's okay to come back here. I'm giving you two options."

Heisenberg hung on her every word and looked at her as if she controlled his every movement.

"The first...you can leave. Can give me enough time to go there...find what you were looking for...then tell me you're off to do whatever. I won't mention this again. We won't mention it."

Silence fell between the two of you. A crackle of the radio to the side of the room.

"And the other option?" he asked, voice nearly breaking.

A shy look. A happy tilt of her lips.

"The other option...you can rest for a bit before I come back here and make whatever fantasy you were having come true."

A mouth drier than dry left his tongue feeling too large. Too large and too needed to swipe across his lips.

"You don't have to answer now-"

"The second one," he said. "Second one. Want that one. Screw the first one."

A bright and happy smile. A smile that crinkled the tail of her eyes and lit up her face.

She was beaming at him. Squeezing his hand before parting from him.

Not for long...not for damn long if he could help it.

"You give me the word then, good boy," she teased, walking out of the room.

Legs nearly buckling and sending him to the ground, Heisenberg took uneasy steps to his office chair before throwing himself on it. His entire body buzzed, though it seemed far less like electricity and far more like promise and hope. Not love on her end...not yet. But a maybe. Potential.

More.

Grinning stupidly and looking at the desk, he made quick work of clearing the area for the fun he planned on having from his daydream to come true.

As soon as he picked up the recorder Lucky used to transcribe his notes, Heisenberg saw it.

That damned schematic.

His last visit to this same room. A note on said schematic stating "DON'T FORGET" in large words. A note he carelessly put there before guiding Lucky to sit down to look at her transcriptions and laugh with her over the sixth stable boy in one week to die of drunken stupidity.

Quietly and contentedly, he opened the desk drawer to stuff the schematic inside.

"Mmn...don't think I'll need you for a while yet actually..." Eyeing the radio on the wall, Heisenberg tossed his glasses to the table and tried to slick and perfect the wiry hair about his head. "Oh, Lucky, honey...room is ready whenever you are...and so is your good boy."

[lover-of-skellies]

Marked

So uhh, this isn’t off the prompt list thing and literally no one asked for it, but I decided to go back and edit a super old thing I wrote. It’s supposed to be part of something a lot bigger, but for now, the whole thing’s been discontinued

Essentially, this is an OC insert kinda thing with my girl Adrienne. She’s been trapped in Horrortale for a little while, and since Sans decided to be merciful, she’s been allowed to live in a spare room in his and Pap’s house. She has free roam of the house and can do pretty much whatever the hell she wants (as long as it doesn’t involve getting into the pantry and digging into their reserves), and in exchange for all of that and being allowed to live, he and Papyrus have some super basic rules they expect her to follow

Rule number 1 is that she is to be helpful, and try to maintain the house while they’re away. Rule number two is that she’s not to leave the house without covering her face and hands. Rule number three is that she’s never to leave the house alone, without one or both of them nearby

Out of boredom and hunger, she leaves the house one day, following the smell of food. This doesn’t seem like it’d be anything huge, but it’s a major no-no, and it doesn’t go unpunished

Papyrus is also surprisingly good at giving advice, too. He might not have much experience with dating, but he knows exactly what he's talking about

If you make it to the end, I have to give you kudos because this is a complete cringe-fest ^^"

((Gonna add some potential trigger warnings for: angst, slight violence, and public humiliation))

Pain.

Searing pain.

The once blue-nette had been exploring the town, much to her guardians’ displeasure. She’d known it wasn’t a good idea, and for what reasons, she was well aware, but she had to do something. Staying holed away in the house every moment of every day was a completely new level of boring, one that she hadn’t even known existed. Her guardian had made it very clear that she was to never leave the house unless he or his brother were to accompany her, but today… well. His brother was away, probably at the capital getting physically and verbally abused by their queen, and he himself? She wasn’t sure what he did while he was away, but she’d learned not to ask too many questions. The first few times she tried asking, he’d been quick to change the subject or dodge her questions entirely, or he’d simply laugh and make a joke which he deemed hilarious when in reality, it wasn’t. Once he got tired of her asking, his humor quickly dissipated and was replaced by anger. He didn’t even have to look at her for her to know he was upset; all it took was a few short, clipped responses, and how she could practically hear him frown when he spoke. That’s beside the point though.

At the moment, she was suspended in mid air by her throat, her legs flailing as she began clawing at her assailant’s arm, her teeth bared as she struggled to free herself. The slightly withered fire monster shrugged off her attempts to attack him as if they were nothing at all; even though his strength had been diminished and was now only half of what it used to be, he was still far tougher than she could ever hope to be. Having smelled food, she made the mistake of slipping into the bar he owned, her hood tugged as far over her face as possible. She had glanced around the establishment, taken note of the other monsters nearby, and made another mental note of where all the exits were, should she need to run. After very cautiously crossing the bar and taking a seat at the old, worn counter, the flamesman had wordlessly poured a glass of water. He nudged it in her direction, and she’d eagerly accepted it, being mindful of how much of her face was concealed as she sipped the cold beverage.

For a moment, she was relaxed, and she nearly forgot the very real danger she was in. She was snapped out of her brief feeling of serenity as the Grillby fully shifted his attention to her. He made a soft, questioning sound, and she kept her head low, speaking just barely loud enough for him to hear, “What’re ya serving, Grillby?” He grunted, well prepared to offer her a short, yet simple answer, but was cut off by another monster who seated himself beside the girl, “I don’t think I’ve seen you around these parts before, friend… where are you from?” The teen lowered her gaze to the countertop, catching a glimpse of what looked to be faded blue fur. She didn’t know what monster could possibly want to talk to her, but she remained as calm and casual as possible in hope of not drawing any more attention to herself, “The ruins.”

With their interest now fully piqued, the monster beside her hummed incredulously, “The ruins, huh?... I take it you’ve met our former queen then. Toriel.” Upon hearing the familiar goat monster’s name, the teen saw images flicker in her mind; memories of her time in the ruins before she managed to escape. How Toriel had guided her through all the traps and puzzles that laid in waiting. How she held her close and allowed her to sob into her shoulder. How she’d convinced Adrienne to go back to her house, where there’d be a warm bed, food, and all the love and care she could ever want. Toriel had baked a cinnamon and butterscotch pie, very excited to share it with her, but not long after the teen had eaten a small slice, she’d felt her stomach turn. Her world went black, and when she awoke, she was tucked into a bed in a dimly lit room, which looked as though it had once belonged to a child. She felt incredibly ill and had almost no strength, and she could barely stand without feeling light headed. To her surprise, however, her willing ally, Flowey, had made a surprise return. Adrienne had seen Toriel had burn him alive, so she didn’t understand how he was even still alive.

Flowey had been through this exact same situation too many times to count, as it turned out, and he’d revealed Toriel’s true intentions: make the teen weak enough to require constant care and attention, and make her stay in the ruins forever. Or at the very least, until she died. Taking advantage of a distraction provided by Flowey, she’d waited for the goat monster to disappear to another part of the house. She’d then made her way to the kitchen and began to search around the floorboards. According to Flowey, there was a panel that could be removed, and underneath it, she’d find the remedy she needed to regain her health. She’d found the vial and downed it without question, only to look up and see the crazed goat monster staring at her from the doorway. The look on her face was one that still occasionally haunted Adrienne's dreams, and she’d been trying to go as long as possible without thinking about it. It appeared as though she’d be getting no such luck today, though.

Clearing her throat and trying to force down her growing anxiety, she nodded, keeping her head down, “Yeah, I have. I’ve met her.” The blue furred stranger watched her with an unnerving amount of intensity and she fought the urge to squirm and lean away from them. As they spoke again, their voice held a curious edge, “Huh. I can only imagine how that went.” Nodding silently, the teen returned to her glass of water, more than ready for the stranger to go away. She knew what would happen if she was discovered, and she wanted no part of that whatsoever.

The monster leaned closer to her and sniffed the air, letting out a pleased sigh before mumbling, “Friend… you don’t exactly smell like one of us. Monsters have their own natural and unique scents... But you, however,” A fuzzy paw-like hand seized her arm with a vice-like grip, and the stranger's voice shifted from a mumble to what was more like a hiss, “you smell like you belong on the grill.” Adrienne began attempting to yank her arm back out of the monster’s grasp and they laughed, simply using their free hand to tug her hood down, revealing her identity to Grillby and the other bar patrons that surrounded them. Her faded grey eyes widened in fear as the monsters began to shout at the flamesman, excitedly demanding that he cook her for them. Despite how the teen shook her head in protest, the mass of living fire moved closer to her, rapidly snatching her up by the throat. She was lifted off of the ground, and he ignored her pained screams as the heat from his hand began to scorch the skin of her neck.

With adrenaline now coursing through her veins, she let out a string of expletives and pulled both of her legs up until her knees touched her chest. The flamesman took a single step toward his kitchen, and then froze as both of her deceptively weak legs shot toward him, delivering a sharp kick to the space just below his chest. She didn’t expect her little stunt to actually work, but to her pleasant surprise, he’d released his grip on her out of shock, gingerly touching the now injured part of himself. Adrienne dropped to the floor and quickly regained her balance, paying no attention to the few monsters who rushed to Grillby’s side. She proceeded to climb over the counter and sprint toward the door, the footsteps behind her a clear indicator that she was being pursued now. Not that she could blame them for any though; food was insanely hard to come by, so if you had a chance to eat but the food got up and ran, wouldn’t you go after it too?

Reaching out with a clawed hand, some unseen monster snagged a fistful of her hair and harshly pulled, causing her to yelp and almost tumble to the floor. She glanced around, surveying her surroundings and checking the exits again. Part of what looked to be a dog’s muzzle could be seen in her peripheral vision and she winced, struggling to free herself from the creature's grip. She only received an amused cackle from the monster in question, followed by him instructing some of the others to grab her and haul her back to the kitchen for Grillby. Looking around again and seeing them approaching her, she stuffed her hand into one of her pockets and fished around, searching through the various items inside for a moment before revealing a pocket knife. Unsure of what she might do, some of the monsters around her stepped back, but the one still pulling her hair only growled. Though she felt the hair on the back of her neck raise at the sound, she lifted an arm and made one single, fluid slicing motion with her hand, the blade of the pocket knife slicing through her hair. While she hated having to cut her hair and knew it’d take forever to grow back, she bared her teeth at the large dog monster, her lips curling into a smug grin as she noticed the look of surprise on his face.

Taking advantage of the moment, she darted to the nearest door, fully prepared to run out into the freezing streets and make a mad dash back to her protector’s house. Freedom and safety were so close and within her reach now, but as she whipped the door open and scrambled to get outside, she slammed face first into yet another monster. Letting out a frustrated and startled screech, she began trying to squeeze past them. They simply chuckled, wrapping an arm around her nearly size-zero waist and pulling her flush against themselves. Hearing the chuckle, realization dawned on her; this was her protector. She would be safe now.

She stole a glance up at his face and his scarlet iris flickered briefly down to her, his amused grin shifting into a taut line. Oh, she knew that expression all too well by now.

From that look alone, she knew someone would be hurt today.

Though his arm was almost uncomfortably tight around her, she said nothing, only turning her body slightly and burying her face in the front of his heavily blood stained shirt. The teen whimpered, wordlessly admitting just how scared she really was at the moment. He shifted his focus entirely to the other monsters that were now staring at both of them, and sensing their gaze, the teen whined faintly, her guardian lightly squeezing her in an effort to reassure her.

Thoroughly confused as to why she wasn’t dead yet, someone called out to her protector, “Perfect timing, Sans. Now how about you kill her so we can all eat already?” The skeleton’s normally rough voice held a bitter edge and he practically growled, “She ain’t free game, pal. I’m sorry ta say it, but I won’t be hackin’ this one ta bits for ya.” A crowd was beginning to form now and Adrienne tried to press as close to her friend as she could, wishing everyone would hurry up and leave. She already hated crowds on their own, and knowing that this particular crowd all wanted to see her get roasted alive didn’t exactly make her feel any better. Clearly taken aback, the same monster that’d addressed Sans spoke up again, “Oh really? And why’s that? You never helped the humans that fell before her, so what makes her so special?”

Curiosity piqued, she glanced up at the skeleton again, though he didn’t return the gaze. He just continued staring the other monster down, his iris nearly glowing now from the extent of his agitation, “Because she’s mine. Ya hear me? This little slab a’ meat belongs ta me.” A tiny burst of heat rushed to her face upon hearing his response; was he really claiming her right now? Claiming that she was his, and using his power over the others to coerce them into sparing her? Unbelievable.

Another monster decided to interject, countering Sans’ statement with, “Then how come you haven’t marked her yet?”

Oh boy. Of course someone would ask. Why wouldn’t they? She had no idea what she was expecting, but it clearly wasn’t that. With an annoyed huff, the skeleton spun her around, making sure everyone could see her face as he fired back with another sharp retort, “Heh, funny you should ask. I was on my way home with the intention of doin’ just that, but I guess we won’t have the privacy now. Oh well. All you fuckwits better be watchin’, because I’m only gonna do this once.”

Wait, he was going to mark her? Here? In front of everyone?

Face burning with embarrassment, she dropped her gaze to the floor, letting out a soft squeak as he grabbed the collar of her shirt and jacket and pulled them aside to reveal her shoulder. Not bothering to give any indication of what he was about to do, a faintly glowing blue tongue snaked out of his maw and traced over a very specific patch of her skin. The feeling of his tongue - which consisted solely of highly concentrated magic - on her skin was like nothing she’d experienced before. There was some warmth to it that was followed by a tingle, which was likely caused by the magic itself, and another involuntary whimper slipped past her lips. Her face grew hotter at hearing herself make that sound again, which to her horror, Sans had also heard. It earned a soft chuckle from him and his mandible shifted into a pleased grin.

And then he sunk his teeth into her shoulder.

It happened so fast that she didn’t even have time to register what happened, but at the lack of the expected pain, she unconsciously fidgeted. Wasn’t this supposed to hurt?... What was preventing her from being in pain right now? She felt his tongue trace over her skin again, accompanied by more tingling and… numbness? Had he intentionally numbed her shoulder before biting her?

Seeing that he had been true to his word and had in fact marked her, the other monsters quickly grew bored, the vast majority of them also visibly disappointed as they returned to their prior activities. A sense of relief washed over her and she sighed, stealing a quick glance at her friend as he slowly released her. His tongue lingered behind momentarily and lapped up the blood that seeped from the injury, and his voice took a husky tone as he purred, “Ya taste good, kiddo. I think I could get used ta this.” Her already flushed face became a much brighter shade of red than before and she scoffed, refusing to look at him, “Don’t count on it, mister.” “Awe, c’mon Addy. Help me out here… it’s not my fault that ya taste as good as ya look.” Growling softly, Adrienne scrunched her face up into a look of annoyance in hopes of masking her embarrassment as she rolled her eyes, “Pervert.” “No idea what you’re talkin’ about.” “Uh huh, right. I definitely believe that.” He lightly jabbed her side with the tip of a phalange and she squirmed, yelping in surprise. She tried to twist her small frame away from him and he laughed softly, “Whatever. How about we ditch this place and head home now? This bar is no place for a little lady like ya.” Looking back at him over her shoulder, she flicked her tongue at him.

They’d left the bar and began to walk home in uncomfortable silence. The moment they made it back to his house and he’d set her down, she found herself being roughly shoved against the closed front door with one of his large hands catching her wrists and pinning them above her head. Her eyes widened in shock and she squirmed, “H-Hey, what the hell are you-” Meeting her gaze, the look he wore was enough to silence her, his completely dilated red iris both captivating and terrifying her all at once.

Then he spoke, his gruff voice low, “You disobeyed me, Adrienne.”

Forcing her voice out and reaching nothing louder than a whisper, she frowned, “I… I know I did. I’m really sorry, Sans. I won’t do it again, I swear.” “Do you have any idea what would’ve happened if I didn’t get ta you in time?” “Yes, I do! Really!” “If you knew the risks, then why’d you do it?” Feeling much smaller than before as he continued staring her down, Adrienne sheepishly looked away from him, “There’s just.... Not a lot to do here when you and Paps are gone, and I was bored. I did a bunch of cleaning and reorganizing, and I even tried to fix the TV. I dug through the hallway closet and looked through the games, but do you have any idea how hard it is to actually play a game by yourself and have fun at the same time?”

With his free hand, the skeleton cupped his face, letting a deep sigh, “You risked your life… you risked dying, because you were bored? Am I hearin’ that right?” Feeling guilty, she slowly nodded, choosing to keep her mouth shut this time. Catching her completely by surprise, what sounded like a giggle could be heard, and though it took a moment to fully register, she had a realization that made her blood run cold; the giggle came from Sans.

Nervously lifting her gaze again to look up at him, the only thing that began to pulse within her was regret. Regret that she’d disobeyed him, regret that she went against his wishes, regret that she’d upset him so badly, regret that she even opened her mouth at all to speak to him, and most of all, regret that she’d decided to look at him.

He leaned back the smallest bit, one hand still firmly pinning her wrists above her head. Her eyes widened in complete terror as his giggling began to escalate, growing louder and louder until he was roaring with laughter as blue tinted tears pricked at the rims of his sockets. Not bothering to wipe away the tears, he placed his free hand on his face. His open palm rested on his cheek as he curled his fingers, the first two settling inside his empty socket; judging by the slight movement his arm made, he’d begun lightly tugging on the rim of it. That was never a good sign. Yes, she loved it when he relaxed enough to laugh with her from time to time, but this display right now? This was the stuff of nightmares.

Then almost as quickly as it’d started, his laughter came to an abrupt halt and his wide grin vanished, leaving only a resentful scowl behind in its place. As his focus shifted back to the teen, her heart began to race. She honestly had no idea what he planned to do now. He then began to slowly tighten his grip on her wrists, a soft growl rumbling from within his chest. Paying no attention to the grimace of pain she wore as his phalanges began digging into her skin, he leaned down, the space between them reduced to almost nothing as he hissed, “You’re an idiot. Get out of my goddamn sight, human.” Adrienne opened her mouth to force an apology out but was quickly cut off, crying out in surprise and pain as the skeleton dug his phalanges even further into her wrists and began to break skin. Rolling his single eye light, he scoffed, stepping back and suddenly yanking her to the side, releasing his grip on her wrists in time to make her small body become airborne. With the sound of something cracking and collapsing beneath her, she knew she’d landed at least partially on the coffee table.

Despite the pain that shot through her with even the smallest movement, the cold stare she was receiving from the skeleton was enough to make get back up, her head hung low as her eyes began to water up. Not wanting to show him this weaker, more vulnerable side of herself, she darted up the stairs, her feet padding across the slightly creaky wooden floor for only a brief moment. She then took refuge in the upstairs bathroom, slamming the door shut behind herself and flipping the latch, locking out the world. Trying to force down the very minute amount of guilt that began to bubble up within him, Sans let out an annoyed huff and glanced at the now completely busted coffee table. He was going to have a hell of a time explaining that to Papyrus later.

~~~

What seemed like a century had passed before the youngest of the two skeletons finally returned home, the sight of the smashed coffee table still lying on the floor enough to induce a sense of dread within him. Normally when he came home, his elder brother would greet him, or at the very least, be lazing about on the couch and offer him a half hearted wave that was usually followed by some sort of pun or terrible joke.

But no. Nothing. Sans was nowhere in sight, and neither was Adrienne. This only made Papyrus’ concern grow; he hoped beyond all hope that his brother hadn’t done anything to her.

The tall skeleton let out a soft sigh and crossed the living room. The exhaustion from the long day began to set in as he ascended the stairs, eager to take a shower and change into something more comfortable. He loved his battle body immensely, but sometimes his sore, tired bones made the item feel as though it weighed a thousand pounds. He wished he could simply change his clothes and climb into bed so he could go to sleep, but life wasn’t that simple for him; before he was allowed to relax, he needed to shower and make dinner for his brother and Adrienne, then the teen was to help him clean up the dishes once the three of them had finished eating. After all that, he was to take Adrienne to the backyard to test prototypes for new puzzles and traps. She was kind enough to help him make sure they worked correctly, so he was always vigilant, always watching to make sure she was never injured on any of them. Aside from being a puzzle and trap tester, his rather small human friend also delighted in helping him think of new puzzles, and she even designed some of her own. She seemed to enjoy partaking in games of pretend when they messed around with the action figures he’d collected over the years, and when Sans wasn’t around or flat out refused to do it, she didn’t mind reading to him before he fell asleep each night, either. They’d grown very close, and he cared for her almost as much as he cared for Sans. It was for all those reasons why he promised to protect her; he had to protect her. He’d become used to her presence and had grown to appreciate their friendship very much, and having her as his friend helped fill the void in his soul that was once occupied by the queen herself. He still considered Undyne a close friend, but the way she spoke and treated him now was… Execrable.

As he twisted the knob and nudged his bedroom door open, the scent of blood hit his nasal cavity and he felt his body tense. Gently pushing the door shut behind his massive frame once he’d crossed the threshold, he made his way to his desk and flicked on the small lamp that resided on its far left corner, the light illuminating his multitude of action figures and an old map.

The faint sound of movement caught Papyrus’ attention and he looked down toward the source, almost unable to believe what he was seeing; the human was in his bed, lying on her side and wrapped in his old blankets. An open first aid kit sat on the floor next to the bed, and cloth bandages were wrapped loosely around her slender neck. Her hair, which was once nearly long enough to reach her lower back, was now much shorter; it looked as though it was cut hastily by some sort of blade. While her arms were mostly concealed by the blankets, he could see that her wrists had also been wrapped in bandages, a familiar crimson threatening to seep through the material. As she shifted again in her slumber, her shirt began to slip down her shoulder and revealed another large bandage, more crimson staining the fabric. His brow bones furrowed as he took note of how the crimson staining it formed a half circle… as if the injury was because of a bite.

In his consternation, Papyrus reached out, a single gloved hand settling on her uninjured shoulder. He leaned down, his spine already aching from the awkward angle as he lowered his voice and did his best not to startle her, “Human?... Adrienne? Please, I Need You To Wake Up. Come On Human, Please.” As she slowly began to stir, he fought the urge to scoop her up into his arms and shelter her from whatever had left her in her current condition.

As her eyes fluttered open and she took notice of the skeleton towering over her, all traces of exhaustion vanished and her eyes widened, a sound of surprise slipping past her lips. In her momentary panic, she’d sat up and tried to move away from him, her chest heaving as she drew in one deep breath after another. Papyrus gently shushed her, offering her a weak, apologetic smile, “Hey, Hey, It’s Alright. It’s Just Me, Adrienne. I Didn’t Mean To Startle You, I Swear. I’m So Sorry For Scaring You.”

Registering who was with her, the teen released a deep sigh of relief. She gave Papyrus no time to prepare himself before she practically threw herself at him, wrapping her arms around whatever she could reach before clinging to his battle body. Though he was visibly caught off guard, he delicately encircled her with his arms, one hand finding her uninjured shoulder again before he lightly squeezed, his voice laced with concern, “Adrienne?... What’s Wrong? What Happened To You?”

The only response he received from the girl in his arms was a muffled sob and he frowned, moving his hand from her shoulder to her face. He used his index finger to tilt her head back, allowing him to see her tear stained face, and as her bottom lip twitched and another tear rolled down her cheek, he frowned; normally she was such a strong, upbeat person. To see her this way was heartbreaking.

The skeleton lowered his voice even further, reducing it to a whisper, “Adrienne, Please… Tell Me What Happened. I Want To Help You.” Her lip twitched again and she sniffled, reaching up to wipe her tears away with her sleeve, “I just… Papy… I just wanted to go outside... I just wanted some fresh air… I didn’t mean for this to happen.” Still frowning, Papyrus gently ran his fingers through her hair and tilted his head, his voice remaining low, “What Do You Mean?... Did Sans Do This To You?” Upon hearing the name of the older skeleton brother, Adrienne tightened her grip on Papyrus, her voice beginning to waver as more tears rolled down her face, gathering at her jaw and dripping down onto her shirt, “Papy… I was so stupid. I made him mad at me. I upset Sans.”

Papyrus’ frown deepened; he knew how his brother could be whenever he had one of his episodes, and never in a million years would he wish for anyone to become the recipient of Sans' delirium. The skeleton sighed as he gently stroked the teen’s hair, “It’ll Be Ok, I Promise. You May Stay Here Tonight If You’d Like, And I’ll Be Sure To Speak With Him About This. Do You Think You Could Tell Me Everything, Though? I Can’t Be Of Any Help To You If I Don’t Know All The Details.” With a heavy heart, she slowly nodded and looked up, meeting his gaze, “I… I went outside today... by myself. I went into town, and I went to Grillby’s. It smelled like food in there, and I was so hungry… I thought I’d find something to eat. I kept myself as covered as possible, but I was caught and got grabbed by Grillby,” she paused, visibly ashamed as she gestured to her neck, “…I got burned.”

The skeleton made a soft sound in understanding and nodded, silently asking her to continue, which she did, “Someone else grabbed my hair and I had to cut it to get away from them. Then when I opened the door and went to run outside, I ran face first into Sans. He told everyone there not to mess with me, that I wasn’t free game because I belonged to him. Then he marked me. Right there, with everyone watching. He was a little flirty afterward and he seemed happy enough, so I thought everything was ok, but when we got here, he… he had an episode.”

Papyrus didn’t know what to make of everything he’d just been told; on one hand, she suffered numerous injuries and nearly died, and on the other hand, she was marked by Sans.

Normally whenever a monster marked someone, it meant that they saw that person as their mate and that they wanted to claim them as their own. That they loved that person with every fiber of their body and soul. Being marked also served as a way to protect someone from other monsters, but there had been cases of a mark not being enough to guarantee the safety of a monster's mate.

Being marked was not only a big deal, but it was also something that every self respecting monster knew should be done in private. The fact that Sans marked her in the first place was absolutely astounding, but the fact that he had the absolute nerve to take something that was meant to be special, shared between mates and no one else, and turned it into some obscene gesture that he performed in front of a crowd, undoubtedly humiliating Adrienne in the process… It was unacceptable.

He needed to speak to Sans, and he needed to do it now.

Releasing a deep sigh, Papyrus lifted a hand to idly rub the back of his neck, “I See… I Cannot Apologize Enough On My Brother’s Behalf. I’ll See If I Can Get Anything Out Of Him That Would Explain Why He’d Behave This Way. Hopefully… Hopefully He Doesn’t Clam Up, Like He Seems To Always End Up Doing. Will You Be Alright Here While I’m Away? I Don’t Want To Leave You Alone If You’re Still Feeling A Little Too Overwhelmed And Freaked Out By Everything.” The teen sniffled, absentmindedly wiping her face with her sleeve again as she nodded, “Uh huh… I think so.” Catching the slight uncertainty in her voice, he offered her a reassuring smile, “I’ll Try To Be Back As Soon As Possible, Alright? How About You Pick Out Some Puzzles For Us To Work On When I Return? A Few Good Puzzles Always Help Me Feel Better Whenever I’m A Bit Rattled, So I’m Confident They’ll Do The Same For You, Too!” Adrienne couldn’t help the small smile that curled her lips upward at how eager he was to help her, and she nodded again, “Ok, Pap… that sounds good to me. When you get back, do you think maybe you could help me fix my bandages a little? Some of them are still too loose and I dunno if I missed any little spots anywhere.” Perking up at the request, Papyrus beamed, gently unwrapping his arms from around her and ruffling her hair, “Yes, Of Course! The Great Papyrus Would Be Happy To Assist You, Adrienne!” Letting go of the skeleton, Adrienne smiled up at him; he was such a sweet guy, and despite their circumstances, he was always so optimistic. He still maintained a sense of morality as well, unlike the other monsters. She honestly wasn’t sure what she’d do without him at times.

Reluctantly parting from his small human friend, Papyrus slipped out of the room, carefully closing the door behind himself. Once he was gone, Adrienne sighed, climbing out of his bed and making her way over to a shelf. As she looked over the various boxes and puzzle books, she came to the conclusion that it probably didn’t matter which one she chose; as long as it’d keep her and that goofball busy for a while, it was good enough for her. As she reached out to grab a thick puzzle book, she winced. Her free hand moved to gingerly touch the bandage on her shoulder; at the twinge of pain, her mind drifted to Sans. After earlier, she should’ve learned her lesson and given up on disobeying the very specific rules that her friends had established. She was a curious being by nature though, and she’d be damned if she had to go on without receiving any answers.

Her curiosity and desire to know why Sans would mark her grew even stronger. She grabbed the puzzle book and dropped it on Papyrus’ bed, before peeking out of the room and glancing around the hall. Against her better judgement, she began to search for the pair of brothers. The most logical place Sans would be at this time of night would be in his room, or downstairs on the living room sofa. If those two places weren’t it, then she’d have to check the basement. No biggie. As she tiptoed down the empty hallway, she briefly paused to look over the railing and down into the living room, and found that Sans was nowhere in sight. On her way toward the stairs, she caught the sound of a mumbled conversation through Sans’ closed bedroom door and froze; she knew better than to go into his room without knocking, so she opted to stay in the hall and eavesdrop, rather than barge in on whatever he and Papyrus were talking about at the moment.

Inside the closed off room, Sans rolled his eye light, trying his best to brush off the lecture he was receiving from his younger brother. It’s not like he did anything to Papyrus personally, so he didn’t understand why Pap thought he needed to get involved. Not in the slightest. Completely exasperated with Sans’ stubbornness, Papyrus pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a deep sigh, “Sans, Honestly. You Didn’t Have To Take It That Far. The Poor Girl’s Probably Traumatized And Too Ashamed To Ever Want To Leave The House Again.” Sans grunted, flopping down onto his back on his old, worn mattress, “Remind me how that’s a bad thing again, Pap. So far, I’m not seein’ any problems with it.” The taller of the two inhaled deeply, briefly closing his sockets as he tried to gather his thoughts, “Sans… Brother. I Love You, But What You Did Today Wasn’t Ok. I Don’t Understand Why You’re So Calm And Casual About It.” Gaining a very clearly agitated edge, Sans practically growled, “It’s really fuckin’ simple. If she’s too ashamed ta leave the house, then good! At least she’ll stay put then and save me a lot a’ trouble in the future.”

Not even remotely threatened by his older brother’s tone of voice, Papyrus snapped, suddenly shouting, “LANGUAGE, SANS. MAYBE SHE DIDN’T LISTEN TO YOU, BUT THAT’S NO REASON TO TREAT HER THIS WAY. IT IS MOST CERTAINLY NOT A VALID REASON TO GO AND PUBLICLY HUMILIATE HER, THEN COME HOME AND SCARE HER HALF TO DEATH, EITHER. YOU ALSO BROKE THE COFFEE TABLE, SANS. SOME OF US HAVE TO PAY FOR THINGS LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW!”

From her spot in the hallway, Adrienne flinched, her eyes widening. Not once had she ever seen Papyrus so upset that he shouted like this. This was a whole new experience, and she could already say that it was both surprising and terrifying all at once.

The shorter of the two let out an exaggerated groan, beginning to absentmindedly tap the tips of his phalanges on the bed as he stared up at the ceiling, “As far as the table goes, I’ll replace the damn thing if it really means that much ta you. What am I supposed ta do about the kid though? If I really scared her as much as you’re sayin’ I did, then she won’t want anythin’ ta do with me. It’s not like I can just walk up to her and go, ‘hey, you know that day when I got mad at you? I’m sorry and I won’t do it again.’” Papyrus hummed, crossing his arms over his chest, “Well… A Sincere Apology Is Only Half Of What I Think You Owe Her.” “Yeah? And what’s the other half?” “To Be Completely Blunt About It, She Knows What It Means To Be Marked.”

The older skeleton brother nearly choked on air, his cheekbones dusting a soft shade of blue, “What the hell?… Ok, then… What about it? Everyone probably knows what it means.” “What I’m Saying Is That She Knows Monsters Wouldn’t Mark Anyone Unless That Person Was Tremendously Important To Them, And Unless They Saw Them As Their Mate. Not Only Is There That, But She Told Me That You Were Somewhat Flirtatious Toward Her After The Incident Today At Grillby’s. You’re Sending Some Incredibly Mixed Signals, Sans. She More Than Likely Was Under The Impression That You Have Some Very Strong Feelings For Her, But Then You Came Home And Basically Told Her To Get Lost Before Throwing Her At The Coffee Table. She Has No Idea Where She Stands Right Now. The Other Half Of What You Need To Do Is Be Honest With Her. Tell Her If You Feel Something For Her, Or Tell Her If You Don’t. Just Make It Clear To Her So She Knows What She Is To You.”

Bolting upright into a sitting position, Sans stared up at his younger brother in disbelief, “So you’re suggestin’ that I go confess my love ta her or somethin’? Is that what you’re tryna tell me right now, Papyrus?” “If You Love Her, Then Yes, That Is Exactly What I’m Trying To Tell You.” Pressing his index and middle finger to one of his temples, the older of the two narrowed his sockets, grumbling under his breath, “Ya gotta be fuckin’ kiddin’ me… this is so stupid…” Taking a seat on the edge of the bed beside Sans, Papyrus arched a brow bone and tilted his head, “Language, Brother… All Of This Might Seem Stupid To You, Maybe, But It’s A Big Deal And It Needs To Be Addressed. If You Really See Her As Your Mate, She Needs To Know. And Hey, It’s Alright To Feel Embarrassed About This Sort Of Thing. It’s Completely Natural. For Starters, Maybe You Could Try To Help Me Better Understand Your Reasons For Marking Her? I’m All Ears! In A... Manner Of Speaking.”

Sans snuck an uncertain glance up at him and let out a deep sigh, leaning forward to cover both eyes with his hands, “...Don’t make me talk about this right now, Pap. Please. I can’t do it. I just can’t, what if I-” Papyrus was quick to wrap his arms around his older brother, lightly squeezing his shoulder, “Sans, No. Stop. You’re Overthinking Again. Take A Deep Breath And Try To Relax. It’s Just Me Here, And If You Preferred That I Don’t Tell Her What You Say, Then I Won’t. You Have My Word. Just Trust Me… That’s All I’m Asking Of You Right Now. Please, Just Trust Me.”

[plotting-against-you]

Hold You, Console You, Really Get to Know You

Fandom: Nancy Drew (TV 2019)

Characters: Ryan Hudson, Nancy Drew

Synopsis: He knew a panic attack when he saw one. He’d had a few of them throughout his life, and he knew that Lucy had too, but he never wanted his child to experience anything like it. Knowing that he and Lucy had passed on this terrible disease to their baby made him feel awful, but at least he knew how to help.

Prompt: Based on a prompt I received from ao3: "Could you do one where, while Ryan is living with them, he sees Nancy having a panic attack and learns she has anxiety and depression she calls him dad as well."

Warnings: Anxiety, Depression, Mental Illness, Panic/Anxiety Attacks

The sky was dark outside the Drew household as Ryan settled himself deep into the couch to watch a documentary on Netflix. Ever since moving in with his daughter and her adoptive father, he’d found that he didn’t mind a quiet night watching television alone now that he knew he wasn’t actually alone.

Living with Nancy and Carson—and subsequently, Bess—was definitely something to adjust to, he’d realized pretty quickly. Not only was he not alone, he now had two people in his life who had their own lives and jobs and places to be. Sometimes that made him anxious and a bit lonely; sometimes, like tonight, he was grateful for the out-of-town trips and girls’ nights.

Carson had left early that morning for a weekend trip to Boston, which didn’t surprise either Hudson descendant. He was still trying to build up his practice again, and neither Ryan nor Nancy were children, so they were capable of taking care of themselves.

When Bess announced at breakfast that morning that they were doing a girls’ night at a local hotel with George, Nancy hadn’t seemed too pleased but had smiled and agreed with the plan. He knew they wanted some time with their newly engaged friend, and though a part of him wished she’d stay home and log some one-on-one father-daughter time with him, he knew he had to take the moments where he could get them.

But as he flipped through the choices onscreen, he was startled by the text that reached his phone. Fumbling to find the device in his pocket, his brow furrowed as a message from Bess lit up in front of him.

“Sorry to bother you. Has Nancy left yet?”

He quickly typed out a reply to his new housemate and waited for her next response. “Uh, no? I thought she was with you.”

Bess’ response took longer than he’d like to come through, but finally, his phone rang again. “Oops, my bad! I forgot that she had to stop for a few things. She probably just got caught up at the store. No need to worry!”

He narrowed his eyes at the words and sat up again. To any other person, this might have sounded like a perfectly reasonable explanation. But they were talking about Nancy Drew, and anything regarding his daughter had extra layers that needed exploring.

He knew she hadn’t seemed too excited about the overnight, but she wasn’t the type of person to blow off her friends like this.

Just as he opened the text message thread he shared with her, a loud thud sounded above him that had him rising from the couch. He knew that Nancy’s room shared a floor/ceiling with the living room and hesitated only briefly.

With everything that she and her friends got into on a daily basis, part of him considered the idea that there was some sort of ghost or being haunting her bedroom. It wouldn’t be entirely out of the question as she’d mentioned seeing Lucy in there more than once, but then he thought back to Bess’ text and found himself moving quickly.

The stairs creaked under his weight as he ascended the stairs, and when he got to the top, he was met with an eerie silence. “Nancy? You here?”

There was no response besides a slight creaking sound that came from within her room. Either Nancy was home, and he’d somehow missed it, or her room was haunted, and he would probably need to call her home anyway.

He wasn’t sure which option he preferred at this point.

“Nance?” Ryan turned the doorknob gently in his hand and was met with a dimly lit room that looked much more disturbed than when he’d seen it that morning.

The first thing he noticed was that her floor was covered in the newspaper clippings and journal entries that had once littered her bulletin board. Then he saw that one of her windows was wide open and paused.

What if someone had broken in? He didn’t have anything to defend himself, and he’d left his phone downstairs, so he couldn’t even call for help.

He was just about to back out of the room and find something to use as a possible weapon when he caught sight of a familiar purse on the floor next to the window and sighed.

No one had broken in, Ryan realized, except for the person whose room he was now standing in.

Walking carefully to the bag, he crouched down to retrieve it and any clue he could find as to why Nancy might have snuck into her own house when he caught sight of her closet door slightly ajar. Sighing heavily, he walked over to it and felt his chest tighten at the scene in front of him.

Nancy sat on the floor, her arms resting on the knees she’d drawn tightly to her chest, with her head hiding in the protective bubble she’d created. Her hands were shaking, and he could see her foot tapping softly in a fast rhythm that kept no beat.

Ryan didn’t speak right away but quietly lowered himself so that he could sit next to her. He shuffled backward so that his back was against the small closet wall and made sure he was close enough where she could feel his presence and not feel crowded by him.

“Hey.” He kept his voice low and calm. “If I had known you wanted to stay here tonight, I could have come up with some excuse for you.”

She didn’t reply or even react, to his light teasing, letting him know that something was seriously wrong with his little girl. It made his chest hurt again.

All he wanted was for her to be happy; he hated seeing her as anything but herself.

“I don’t know what happened today or if there’s even a logical reason for these feelings, but either way, Nancy, I’m here. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere until it passes, okay?”

He knew a panic attack when he saw one. He’d had a few of them throughout his life, and he knew that Lucy had too, but he never wanted his child to experience anything like it. Knowing that he and Lucy had passed on this terrible disease to their baby made him feel awful, but at least he knew how to help.

“It’s too much.”

Looking down at her, Ryan’s brow lifted in curiosity. “What’s too much?”

“I did it again.”

“You did what?” His voice was still quiet and calm, but inside he longed to hold her close and protect her from the world.

She moved then, lifting her head and digging her hands painfully into her hair. “I cursed the town. Again.”

“I thought you guys had fixed the security boxes and had gotten a lot of the spirits that had been let out?” She’d told him and Carson about her desperate attempt to save George and the resulting hauntings that came from it.

She shook her head frantically, and he now saw how pale her face had become. “When…when we reversed the Wraith attachment…I didn’t know it was her.”

“It’s okay….”

She cut him off. “No, it’s not okay. I had to…I had to provide blood to get the machine going again. But I gave too much, and now…now she’s back, and she’s cursed Horseshoe Bay because of me.”

Ryan was extremely lost. “Who is back?”

He chose not to comment on her ‘I gave too much blood’ story for the moment.

“Temperance Hudson. Our ancestor.” She said and only then looked up at him.

Tears swam in her red-rimmed blue eyes, and her bottom lip quivered. Her gaze was desperate, and she looked much younger than the strong twenty-year-old he was privileged enough to see every day.

“Can you just…leave me alone, please?” Her voice shook and was thick with tears.

He shook his head as soon as the words were out. “I can’t do that, Nancy.”

“Please.” She begged him, closing her eyes and letting a waterfall of tears run down her cheeks.

He sighed. “Whatever happened, it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t know that would happen, and you needed to use the device to save your life. Whatever comes next, we can deal with it, okay? You’re not alone in this.”

She let out a sob now, and it tore at his heart. “Listen, this might sound weird, but can you do me a favor?” She didn’t respond, so he took that as his cue to continue. “Name five things you know.”

She looked up at him again, this time with confusion on her face, but did as she was told. “Um…uh, I brought our murderous ancestor back from the dead.” He didn’t like that she started with that but let it slide for now. “Carson is out of town. I am supposed to be doing girls’ night with George and Bess right now. You’re sitting next to me. We’re in a closet?”

She said the last part as if she’d just now realized where they were, but he moved forward. “Now, four things you can feel.”

She blinked. “My clothes hanging above my head. My hair in my hands. My shoes are tied too tight.” Then she paused.

“Come on, one more.” He coached her.

She bit her lip and grabbed his hand in her own. “You.”

He felt her squeeze his hand tightly as if she was afraid he wasn’t real and squeezed back. The fact that she’d initiated the touch helped ease the tension in his chest.

“Three things you see.”

“Again, you.” She sent him a weak smile. “My bed. The mess I made on my floor.”

“Okay, two things you can hear.”

She paused again before speaking. “Your voice. My breathing.”

He nodded. “One thing you can either smell or taste.”

“Burnt popcorn?”

“Oh shit.” He’d forgotten about the snack he’d started preparing and hoped the smoke detector didn’t go off.

She chuckled at his comment and slumped against him, seemingly exhausted. “What was that?”

He sighed and put his arm around her shoulders, pulling her to his side. “That was something I learned from my therapist a long time ago. How do you feel now?”

Nancy groaned. “Tired. Worried. Embarrassed.”

“Hey,” He shook his head. “you don’t have anything to be embarrassed about.”

They sat in silence for a moment before he spoke again.

“So, I didn’t know you had anxiety.”

It was her turn to sigh, and she moved out of his touch. Standing, she offered him a hand, and they moved to sit on her bed. Then she moved, so she was leaning against her headboard and looked past him.

“I didn’t, or I thought I didn’t until Ted went missing.”

He looked at her in confusion. “George’s sister?”

The redhead nodded. “Yeah. I, uh, I noticed during that case that there were a lot of similarities to the Rose Turnbull case from when I was younger.”

“Your first case, right?” He remembered reading it in the paper.

And if he had gone to the Horseshoe Bay Gazette and asked for a copy of the original article to keep in his wallet, well…he didn’t tell anyone about it.

“I went back to the warehouse where Nathan Gomber…where I found her that day.” She told him. “Carson came with me, and we pieced together that something happened to me down there, too.”

“Did he hurt you? Gomber. If he put his hands on you….” The surge of panic and fear that rose in his body was stilled by her hand capturing his again.

“No. He didn’t…no.” She thought for a moment. “I heard him speaking to this…thing…in the dark. He called it Si-Simon.”

She was getting worked up again, so he moved closer. “Hey, we don’t have to talk about this if it’s….”

Nancy shook her head. “Simon, uh, he made…he made us forget. That’s what he does to children. He causes them to forget what happened. My parents, they took me to a therapist after that. Carson told me I was so calm when they got there…too calm.”

“What did this Simon make you forget?” He was afraid to know, but he knew she needed to get it out.

Tears filled her eyes again. “I was so scared, Dad.”

His breath caught in his throat at the term. She’d never used it before, and though he hoped she would one day, he hadn’t been prepared for the onslaught of feelings that came with it.

“I thought I was going to die.” She continued. “I never would have seen Carson and Kate again. I would never have met my friends…or you. I would never have known my other father, and it just…I can’t imagine it now.”

“But you didn’t die.” He said, emotion filling the ferocity in his voice. “You beat this Simon. Twice, it sounds like.”

“Yeah, I did.” She swallowed thickly. “When I burned the vigil that Gomber and his girlfriend had built for him, it broke his power and brought all these…these feelings back. Fear, anxiety, despair. I haven’t been able to get away from them since.”

“I’m sorry that happened to you.” He told her sincerely. “I know that doesn’t help you at all, but I’m sorry I wasn’t there to help you through it all. I am now.”

She sniffed back the tears and nodded. “Thanks, Dad.”

“You know I love hearing that, but don’t feel like you have to say it. Say it when you’re ready.” He told her.

“I am ready.” She cleared her throat. “It’s nice to have two parents again, and…you are my dad.”

“Yes, I am. And as long as I’m around, I will do everything I can to keep you safe from things like Gomber and Simon. Even Temperance Hudson.” He squeezed her hand again.

A few tears rolled down her cheeks again. “Please. I know you can’t realistically make this promise, but…please don’t leave me. I don’t want to be alone again.”

“Nancy…” He moved so that his knees touched hers and put his hands on her face, forcing her to look directly at him. “I promise. I’m not going anywhere. You’ll never be alone. Ever.”

Then he pulled her to his chest again and held her as she gripped his shirt. Apparently, he wasn’t the only one worried about being alone in this life.

They sat there until she calmed down before pulling away again.

“Hey, you know if you are too wiped out to do girls’ night, I can text Bess and come up with an excuse.” He told her, causing her to smile.

“Thanks, but I think I’m okay now.” She squeezed his hand again. “Maybe tomorrow we could do dinner and watch a movie?”

Now it was his turn to smile. “Definitely.”

He helped her up and waited as she gathered her things. Then he watched from the front door as she backed out of the driveway, waving to him before she drove off.

Moving back to the couch, he picked up his phone and scrolled through the numbers he’d saved to his contacts. They’d changed a bit since he found out Nancy was his daughter—having then added the entire group just in case—but he didn’t mind it. Finding the name he was looking for, he pressed it and settled back against the cushions as he waited for the person to answer.

“Hannah Gruen? Yeah, Ryan Hudson.” He paused. “Uh-huh. I need a favor. I need you to tell me everything you or Nancy and her friends have learned about my ancestor Temperance Hudson.”

He wasn’t sure what he’d learn, but at least he’d be prepared for whatever came next.

[pollylynn]

Title: The Glass Cell WC: 1600

“You know reality isn’t fiction, right?”  — Dr. Clark Murray, A Death in the Family (1 x 10)

She wears a dress of her mom’s to prom, he decides. He imagines it in detail—cut-work lace over taffeta in bright emerald green, a satin empire waist band a shade darker, a full A-line skirt. He envisions her with mismatched quasi-punky hair hanging down to half hide her dramatic eye-makeup. She stands out, of course. In a sea of off-the-shoulder, halter neck, heavy fabrics in primary colors—crayon red, royal blue, black, black, white, white, red again, with an ill-advised plunge neckline. She stands out. 

She likes her date, though she doesn’t exactly let him know that. He imagines that, too. She doesn’t exactly let anyone know that she likes this boy on the verge of being a man, because she’s not sure that she’s supposed to. He’s quiet and sensitive. Not a dork—not outright unpopular, but a dark horse candidate for asking her in the first place, and her unexpected, unhesitating yes had sent shockwaves through the eleventh grade. 

She is awkward on the dance floor. She is a vision in her mother’s dress, but there is architecture to it. There is a hidden foundation that requires time travel of her ribs, her spine, her hips, and her date—the boy on the verge of being a man—has no idea where to put his hands during the slow songs. She has no idea where to put hers, so she locks her fingers behind his neck. She breathes Let’s get out of here well before Boyz II Men get to the spoken-word part, and they do. 

They race across the ballroom with their fingers linked, laughing like fools. They leave her friends, his friends, the tiny intersection of their friends to gawp as they bang through the double doors.They roam the streets around the hotel in a spiral pattern, talking and talking. 

She shivers and pulls the cream-colored silk-and-seed-pearl wrap close around her. With well-intentioned gallantry, he tries to drop his tuxedo jacket over her shoulders. He misses, and they both watch in horror as the long tails drag through something nameless and awful before he can catch it. 

The hem of her dress is dirty and her mom’s dyed-to-match pumps with their rhinestone butterfly clips will never be the same. But they share french fries at a nameless diner. They share a tentative kiss in the back of a cab as the boy escorts her home. They share a burning, frenzied, back-against-the-glass follow-up in the doorway of her apartment as the sun comes up. 

She misses curfew by a lot. Her mom brings her coffee and toast in bed long after morning has tipped over into afternoon. She asks a million impertinent questions about the boy she likes, about the evening, about her plans to save up for what should be an astonishing dry cleaning bill. 

This is how it happens. This is what he decides. 

**********************

She sprains her ankle on move-in day. He knows. He sees clearly how the events unfold. 

She has a plan. She has keys in hand by 8:01 am. She has a spot for the van with her things, hardly a block away, and her second-hand office chair can serve as a makeshift dolly. She has almost nothing. It’ll be two dozen quick trips, she figures, but the apartment is full of junk. 

Oh yeah, the creepy building manager tells her, last guy skipped out. 

The junk is her problem, apparently. Her problem. She plumps down on some kind of ottoman and immediately regrets it as an oily smell rises up. It’s not just the ottoman, though. The whole place reeks of food and animal fat. She registers the distant clatter of dishes, of silverware, and the hiss of a hot grill rising up through the floor. 

She props her elbows on her knees and her chin on her fists. She wastes ten precious minutes of the three hours before she has to have the van back contemplating the space that is smaller, dingier, filthier than the unit she saw when she signed the lease. 

She hauls herself up and lugs the ottoman and a broken laundry basket full of dirty t-shirts with her down to the dumpster. She bumps milk crates full of electronics odds and ends down the stairs. She carries awkward lamps like jousting lances. 

It’s a box of kitchen things that does her in. It’s a mile wide and heavy. She knows she should unpack and repack it. She should make two trips, three, four, but she’s tired of this. She misses a step. She goes down to the landing. She can feel the rush of heat into the ankle she has wrenched badly. 

There’s a neighbor—a pair of neighbors—who hear the commotion. They rescue her, Cleo and Pete, who are just a little older than she is. They extricate her from underneath the box. They help her into their apartment and give her an ice pack. They give her a stiff drink and an ace bandage. 

They share stories about the guy who skipped out in the middle of the night—his questionable activities and his even more questionable taste in music. They order pizza and won’t take her money when she offers. The three of them agree that the building manager almost certainly collects clown paintings by serial killers. 

They insist that she spend the night on their couch. She protests. She tries to put weight on her ankle, then gives in. She spends her first night not in her first apartment staring at a ceiling that belongs to strangers with tears leaking from the corners of her eyes because her fucking ankle hurts. Because she doesn’t have the money to pay for another day of the damned van. Because her mother is dead and she is alone in the world. 

He knows all this. He sees it clearly. 

************************

He cannot picture the shadows on her skin in that basement room. He sees the backs of his own hands criss-crossed infinitely with weak, unflattering light coming in through the cage. But he cannot see hers. Would her fingernails be as neat and no-fuss as they are today, or would they have been ragged with the pain of all the long years before she made it that far? 

Would she—and the possibility is like a lattice work of burning hot ice spreading through him from the inside—would she have gotten the chain for her mother’s ring when she first put on the uniform? Was there a time in that dingy apartment—in her college days with her dad drowning and her left wrist as yet bare—was there a time when when she would have slipped it on her finger each morning instead of ducking her head to let the delicate links of a think gold chain slither down over her collar bones?

He doesn’t know, any more than he knows if she would have risked the rickety table with its hard, back-breaking chair. He cannot say whether she would have waited for the most desolate hour each possible night, then set to work right where he did, or if she would have, instead, arranged herself on the cracked tile floor, knees drawn up and hunched over the tight beam of a penlight. 

He looks for signs of her in the creases and ragged edges, the rusty indentation of an ancient paperclip removed and replaced, the corner of a thin stack torn away along with a now-missing staple in a moment of frustration. He scours the faded, triple-carbon paperwork and holds the glossy, terrible photos at an oblique angle to the light from his desk lamp, the light from his computer screen. In the riot of smudged, overlapping fingerprints he wonders which might be hers. 

It’s no use, this afterthought of a search. She is nowhere. There is no detail remembered from his own few hours spent in that basement room, no physical trace of her presence in the file itself that sparks the rush of absolute clarity with which he envisions her at the junior prom, her on move-in day at that first three-story walk-up that smelled of chicken wings. 

She is nowhere, because he has never once bothered to imagine her—not once. He relives the abrupt sting of her rapped out pair of questions—You don’t think I’ve haven’t been down there? You don’t think I haven’t memorized every line in that file? He sits, staring at the file now with tide of shame advancing, receding, advancing. 

He didn’t think. In all these weeks, he has not once thought about the space between the wound delivered and the scars she bears. He has not once thought about the dreams she must have cast off, what it must have cost her to forge a path to that basement room. He has not once considered what those long years must have been like. He has never stopped to ask himself how the woman she is now—the relentless, fiercely intelligent, extraordinary woman he has come to know—could ever have come to accept her mother’s death as a random, wayward event.

He thinks now. He asks himself now. He tries, now, to picture the shadows on her skin, the tense outline of her body and the tight beam of a penlight. He tries to imagine that lonely work, but he can’t. 

She is gone from him. She is nowhere.  A/N: This is an especially weird not!thing. I had to decide that Castle has the actual Johanna Beckett file that he’s taken, not just copies. That doesn’t make much sense, but the autopsy photos look to be originals, complete with labels and handling wear. Fixation on those details is just a distraction from how not a thing this is. 

images via homeofthenutty

[hereliesbitches--me]

“You really think we should be celebrating that now?”

Valentine’s day in the Zompocalypse! ( Always accepting) 

“ As good of a time as any. I don’t think we’re gonna have a break like this again for a while.”

       After a weeks of travelling, avoiding the dead and other scavengers, sleeping with one eye open, and rotating in shifts when they had to sleep in the open, this was one of their rare opportunities to sit and sleep in a house that wasn’t tainted by any of the dead. They hit the jackpot. They found sanctuary in one of those gated communities that seemed clear enough to use the house without fear of waking up to a herd caging them in. The suburbs of New York had a sparse population of the undead in comparison to the congested cities. Here, Rosie comfortable let her bag fall into the kitchen, let the dogs roam about and sniff out for pests, and from the corner she watched as the kids excitedly pulled out a collection of colorful papers, scissors, markers , and glue to set out over the dusty table to work on once Eddie had left for some scavenging and clean up in that day. What he came back to find was a mess of paper clippings and cutouts all over the floor, the kids hiding their little projects away from his sights with a whine that it wasn’t ready – more Mia than Thursday, as her brother timidly tried to hide his creation under a dscolored manila folder he found. It was Rosie keeping Eddie in the living room, checking over what remains of supplies and what had been added. 

“ It’s Valentine’s day, ya know.”  She spoke up suddenly, softly, peering up from the collection and smiling briefly at him. “ That’s why they’re making projects. We used to have a tradition to make gifts for each other, just in case things don’t go so well at school.. ”Rosie settled for a moment, letting herself sit in the worn cushion that had once belonged to some unknown person that was probably among the wandering dead outside. It only took them a few months, but they were finally beginning to get along.. comfortable enough to speak with a little more ease. Sometimes she just talked.. sometimes he would listen, sometimes he wouldn’t, but it didnt matter to her (or did it?) , as long as she could just let it out. Those rare moments he actually conversed back, even if it was just a few words, she savored and kept in mind. The mother let her shoulders sink back for a bit, leaning into the groaning seat as the springs threaten to give, and she looked aside to where she could hear her children quietly chatting in hurried voices. The feline features at the top of her head stood tall and rotated to better catch their words. Her smile was always a tired one, but at least hearing them happy brought a warmth to her soul.. 

 “ Don’t ask why I know its Valentine’s day. Its an amazing worthless sixth sense I have for vital dates to keep in mind. I get its probably stupid to you, but its really important for them to still have a chance to keep good memories alive..”  Though Eddie asked for no explanation, she felt the need to defend it even when no one else would think it wise.  There was a conscious self awareness in her soul that always existed even before the end of the world. She was off in many ways, confusing and nonsensical to many, even before her spiral against mental illness after years of service in the military, and the police force. So few bothered to understand.. She knew something was strange inside her.. Something so very wrong that she just couldn’t fix, but she tried her best to hide it. The only one who had ever seemed to accept it was her Rocky… but just like everything else she touched, her illness was the very thing that killed him. She lived with it every day.. Could Eddie see how she wilted in that moment? How her eyes seemed to sink into her skull and hollow out as her racing thoughts remind her of her loss on a supposed day of love..? She practically ran in a state of autopilot, wearing an empty smile while her tired eyes stared off. 

 Wake up, Rosie. Wake up, you’re drifting. Don’t be so insensitive, you’re not the only one who’s hurting.

Suddenly, she blinked again. That’s right, she thought, he had a wife before too.. 

Rosie turned her head back to Eddie, and she mustered all her energy to offer him a warm look as she dug around her back for something that crinkled loudly as she pulled it out, “ I know it’s not much but..you won’t believe the fact that I found really good chocolate not too long ago to share on this day- ”Then, she was cut off by a chirping high pitched voice.

“ ITS DONE! ITS DONE! We finished- EDDIE, EDDIE, LOOK! FOR YOU!! ”Mia practically skid across the floor, her voice much too loud in a world of deathly silence as she skipped towards the two adults with her colorful crafts in each little hand. Even Rosie winced, and her heart spiked up in paranoid fear at the crowd the volume could arouse from outside. The look alone, sharp on her mother’s slim features, was enough of a warning for Mia to realize her mistake. The 8 year old gasped quietly, a warmth rising in her colored cheeks as she gave Eddie a sheepish grin. She lowered her voice in a quiet apology. In each hand she held a small, hand made card with the artistic eloquence of an elementary schooler’s work. To each adult, she offered her mismatching cards with an eager brilliance in her eyes. “ For you.” 

Eddie’s was a cutout heart much like Rosie’s, decorated in small doodles of hearts and stars and other little images in colorful marker on the front, titled ‘ Happy Valentine Day! ’ in bulky, slanted handwriting.  ‘ From: Mia! To: Awesome Eddie!  ’          Signed off with a heart.Mia was practically bouncing on her toes, eyes shining in anticipation while her restless little tail wagged. Rosie held her card, but her eyes were drawn curiously to Eddie’s card more than her own. “Open it!” Mia urged him, impatience clear in her voice. Rosie found her lips switching slightly in their corners. When the hard opened, It was a mess of glitter, stickers, and drawings. A true arts and crafts work with an explosion of color all around the lopsided heart she cut out of the card. In the center, her bulky little words were written with clear attempt to make it formal, though her hand writing send to change direction as she went. It read: 

      “ Dear Eddie, Don’t let mommy read this.        Happy Valentine’s day to the coolest superhero ever!         Thanks for staying, and making Mommy happy.           And you make me happy! And Thursday happy!          And the doggies happy! (Yes, even doggies are happy)          You make everyone happy, and we have lots of fun together!

          I love you lots, and think you’re so cool.          Thanks for not letting the monsters get us.We protect you too!

         I want you to stay forever. Can you stay forever please? 

         P.S. Mommy likes you a lot. I like when you don’t fight.         P.P.S. Keeping secrets are super hard.

             Love you! And Goop!   - Mia   ”

Drawn on the other half of the heart was their little family, made of triangles and circles. There was Mia in the middle, a lovely rectangle and triangle with a circle head, and little triangles that marked the ears on her head and tail. Besides her Could be assumed as Thursday, made of circles and ovals, with a head full of squiggly lines much like Mia’s own picture self. Mia’s doodle held onto a much larger catlike person, made of circles and triangles that made both her body and cat features. Rosie stood on one side, while on the other, holding onto the Thursday doodle, was the large Dorito-bodied persona that was Eddie. He was composed of bulbous circles and rectangles that make his arms and legs, towering above the rest of the family, with a triangle knife in his stick figure hand. Of course, complete with the dogs on the side, tied together with hearts, and dead bodies of green skinned zombies all around. And the family crudely colored in color pencil to complete the master piece.  “ What does it say?” All Rosie could see was the picture, her brows quirked curiously at the long paragraph her daughter had written, but Mia would not have it as she hopped in between the two and pushed for Rosie to read her own. 

Off in the corner, 6 year old Thursday stood quietly, bashful of the two cards he had in hand. They were not as elaborate as Mia’s… he couldn’t draw like her.  His handwriting was still shaky and in the works.. and worst of all, he decorated his cards with the flowers he picked from outside. Boys dont pick flowers.. men don’t like flowers.. He chided himself and felt the need to sulk away in embarrassment. Eddie would laugh at his card..He was about ready to crumble his creations, up until his mother noted her silent son hiding behind the wall.“ Honey, do you have cards too? What are you doing over there?” Rosie looked at him expectantly, smiling affectionately as she waited for her youngest to come over.. Thursday was startled that she mentioned him. A fearful feeling rose in him suddenly, a horrible ache in his muscles that didn’t let him move. The little boy felt his stomach drop under the eye of both adults, his face growing hot that showed blatantly on his pale freckled face. With wide eyes, he found himself frozen like a deer as they all turned to look at him. Especially Eddie… The light look became concern from Rosie when she noted the fearful shake that overtook her young son. How his breathing changed.. and his body shook like a leaf with the signs of tears that already threatened to fall. Rosie was quick to stand and hurry over to him , but by then he had already taken cover behind the kitchen wall and curled up. The two had vanished for a time.. Thursday whimpering and crying, Rosie’s hushed voice quietly soothing, until they both could talk low enough to not be heard. Mia frowned a bit as the attention was taken away from her card but she turned her attention to Eddie with a shrug of her shoulders. “ Sometimes, Thursday can be so weird. I can never tell why he suddenly cries..”

Rosie emerged once again with her son after a few minutes had passed, holding him in front of her, while Thursday timidly held his card desperately behind his back. His mother already had her pink card in hand, and smiled  gently as she ushered him towards where Eddie sat, “ He made you a card, Eddie. But he think you won’t like it because it has flowers. Isn’t that silly? Everyone likes flowers, right?”Thursday seemed to shrivel even more the closer he came. The boy dropped his head as he grew even smaller than he already was before his idol, stricken with fear that couldn’t make him stop his shaking. Rosie pursed her lips, and looked at Eddie expectantly for some comfort for her son. Her eyes expressed her desperate plead that he say something to encourage Thursday. As they stopped , Rosie knelt down and gently tapped on Thursday’s arms to bring them forward. From his mother’s touch, he nearly recoiled. Rosie grew more worried than before as she carefully put her arms around him, “ Thursday, please.. You didn’t work hard on it just for Mr.Eddie not to see it, did you? ” “ He won’t like it..”“You won’t know that unless he sees it. And I don’t believe he thinks flowers are bad, baby.. It looks so pretty. I bet he’ll keep it forever.”

Her assurance seemed to work to some extent. Thursday raised his head up just enough to look at his mother, and Rosie gave him a nod in return. He felt fragile and pathetic.. more than normal as he was put on the spot. But Rosie was right.. he wouldn’t know unless he tried. If Eddie liked Mia’s.. then he could like his own, right? Right. He swallowed the lump in his throat, and mustered all the courage he had in his little body to will his arms forward, to offer the black card of hearts.    “.. I-I hope y-you like it.. “

Yes, it was simple. It was not like Mia’s , who’s card looked like a rainbow threw up all over it with her abundance of stickers, glitter, and drawings that made it up. No, Thursday kept his card simple and clean. To the true nature of a fan, he kept it black and white themed, having written in chalk ‘Happy Valentine’s Day’ on the cover with each letter a struggle to keep at the same size, and decorated the outside with an array of little flower blooms from lavender to yellow. Inside were drawings much like Mia’s, however oriented around action as ‘Venom’ kicked Zombie ass and protected them all. His text was much simpler, and expressed all he wanted Eddie to know :

    “ You’re my favorite Hero.        You make me happy. Please dont go.

       I love you.” 

Just like Mia’s, Rosie had taken the hint enough not to look.. Perhaps she’ll glance in later when the kids sleep. Satisfied with the scene, Rosie sat down on the couch, and pulled both her little ones into the seat besides her before once more reaching in to pull out a silver bag for them all.The Jackpot: Half melted hershey’s kisses. 

The sight of chocolate drew both the children’s attention onto the crinkling bag with slack jaws gaping. Chocolate had not been seen.. in months. almost  a year? Not edible chocolate at least. The fact that they let out audible gasps of excitement was enough to earn a rare titter of laughter from Rosie as she grinned,

“ I say since we passed out the cards, its about time we get into the chocolate.Dessert before dinner sounds good.

Anyone disagree? ”

There was not a word of protest from the children as golden smiles lit up across their faces. This would be a good Valentine’s day..

Even with their new friend.

[risingashesflutter]

Girl Ishhh

So today is full on me day.

I've never been good at this girl thing. It took me many years to get it kinda right.

The first time I got my period I told the nurse I was violently throwing up and had my dad come get me. It was so long ago my Mother was always at work. Well I found her thin pantyliner pads. They don't absorb anything if you don't know. They just provide a bare lining. So I took some Tylenol and curled up and went to sleep. I bled through my pants in two hours. My dad worked overnights so he was sleeping and I washed them in the sink. I burned through about twelve more pantyliners. But I had no clue what I was doing and I was just guessing. Like how hot water helps set stains that are blood related rather then cold soaking.

So all night I kept to myself and didn't go out for dinner if they even remembered to do that. The next day my Mother was running late for work so I told her I was staying home and I asked her to pick up more betterer pads. She stopped. Said oh. And went and got them eventually. That was the end of that.

I was told to never shave my legs a few summers later. That my hair would grow back black and course and it was a terrible thing. A thing I couldn't take back and would regret forever. But my friend and one of the only I had made fun of my pale caterpillar legs. Called me a childish hippie as often and as cruelly timed as she could. She wasn't a friend but she was growing up and I was held back.

We parted ways before I ever did shave. My first boyfriend at fourteen was eighteen. I went down the shore one weekend with my Mother and while he was feeding the dogs he decided to stay there. He reorganized my whole room. He cleaned and went through everything I owned. This was an indication of the level of crazy I was in for much later. But anyhow he bought me a different deodorant. And all the things for shaving. And left them in the middle of my bed.

And I did not find it sweet.

I found it horrifying and embarrassing and overwhelmingly invasive. But I shaved out of... obligation?

And I doubt anybody had such a thing about something so simple in the rite of puberty passage.

And my hair grew back as soft and as see through albino as it always has and will forever.

My mother not long after got what I think was A third DUI. She lost her license and her job. No more shore trips. But that's another story.

She owned little makeup. She was a natural beauty when I was young. Tan and thin and blonde. While I was round and pale and ginger. She was also against my use of makeup and while the other girls began applying mascara and eyeliner I proudly kept my lipsmackers and found some with glitter to match my butterfly clips.

My eyelashes are also see through. As are my eyebrows.

I envied their dark long lashes and all the colors they had for a pallete. Especially in my art classes. I saw it already as an outside world that I knew I would never be apart of. They had all the knowledge I couldn't find a way to get my hands on. I couldn't find a how to in the magazine's I read at the library and I had no one to show me how and why and what.

I saved up lunch money and bought a tube of mascara. It had two ends. One white to apply first to strengthen and the black on the other side. Well with with see through lashes I just applied the white.

The girls tore into me like they smelled blood. I was already weird and outspoken and smart back then. I was the easiest target. So I kept using the white because spite and I liked the way I looked and that's what my Mother felt was important anyhow.

It took years before I got the black mascara. Even more years before I got the eyeliner. I was the only natural faced goth girl. I learned how to dye my hair black out of sheer determination. I learned how to part and separate. Only after dying my whole hair swamp green by accident for the last day of seventh grade.

Well even after that I never went from pads to tampons. Some girls had some things about that but I just didn't understand. So I never went in the water or the ocean when it was time. They didn't have foam back then so I had to sport those huge diaper like pads. And I bleed a lot. Well my Mother tried to he'll and bought those cute and tiny but useless baby tampons with instructions. I think it would take like four to actually be useful. So I tried them and it made no sense and was BEYOND uncomfortable. I didn't get how girls even walked in them. Like what was wrong with me and why was I built so wrong and awkward? Wasn't I too a blooming flower of a girl?

A few years later I was tired of the pads. I wanted my freedom back from this cycle. So I tried again. And I got stubborn and kept it in even though I was largely in pain. My mother saw me walking weird and laughing asked me what was happening to me. I explained the tampons. I showed her the box. She asked me to explain how I did the thing.

Wellllll it turns out I missed a vital part that wasn't described well enough but in left the plastic applicator in. Just shoved it all in.

That ain't right on a lot of levels. But my Mother shared this story with my best friend who later shared it with his girlfriend of the time with my permission. She's also my best friend.

Welllll she shared it with her boyfriend who's am less then fond of. And every time it's brought up I feel that same overwhelming invasion of privacy. It is my story to tell. In small frame it's hilarious but when compared with the trend to my discovering how to function like a human woman it's pathetic and angering.

Being ignorant about my own body will haunt me for my whole life. And this too. But it's just a story. Just a small passage in my life.

So today I used my expensive shaving tea tree soap and did a treatment on my hair. Did some first time landscaping so I can wear a better bikini. I painted my nails like and artist and my toes too. I'll pack up my hundreds of supplies that help with my curly ginger unruly hair and my see through eyelashes. Ill pack up my ponderous collection of eyeshadows and eyeliner. I'll sort through a collection that costs almost a grand in total. I'll carefully secure my YSL Mon Dieu perfume in my bag.

I'll remember that while I may be a prison of this skin suit that I tamed it all with my own two hands. Like I'll do everything else.

If I want something I master it. I come out on top. I'll be kicked down and dragged around my whole life. But eventually I master it.

So yes I do wear a full face to work the line every day. It's my war paint. It's my best form of expression besides my writing. It's me fuckers. Shut the fuck up and let me rock this.

[j0sgomez-blog]

By Michael Lanza

Our bus winds up a narrow road in the Vallée des Glaciers, below snowy peaks of the French Alps. We boarded it with about 10 other trekkers after a late-afternoon thunderstorm ripped the sky open while we enjoyed a café and tea with chocolate mousse and a slice of blueberry pie at the Auberge de la Nova in les Chapieux, a speck of a village along the Tour du Mont Blanc. As the bus rumbles into Ville des Glaciers, a cluster of old farm buildings, I ask the driver to stop.

My 80-year-old mother wants to get off and hike.

The rain has ceased, so my mom suggests—since we’ve only hiked about five miles so far today—that we hike the final 30 minutes uphill to our destination, a one-time dairy farm turned mountain hut, the Rifugio des Mottets. I glance around at the other trekkers on the bus—all of them somewhere between one-third and one-fourth my mother’s age. None are getting off with us. They are all content to ride the bus to the hut. As they all silently watch the old lady get off to walk the rest of the way, I’m pretty sure I see some sheepish expressions.

We are on day two of a nine-day trek on one of the most popular and majestic trails on the planet, the Tour du Mont Blanc. A roughly 106-mile (170k) footpath encircling the “Monarch of the Alps,” 15,771-foot (4807m) Mont Blanc, the TMB passes through three countries—France, Italy, and Switzerland. The trek normally takes at least 10 to 11 days and entails a demanding 32,800 feet (10,000m) of elevation gain and loss while crossing—depending on which route variants one takes—10 or 11 mountain passes, the highest approaching 9,000 feet (over 2600m).

Joanne Lanza, 80, hiking to the Col de la Seigne, Tour du Mont Blanc, France.

My mom, Joanne Lanza, and I are hiking alone only today; eight others in our group took a longer and more arduous route to tonight’s hut, and two more will join us in two days, in Courmayeur, Italy. And those two facts illustrate a prime attraction of the TMB.

Although the genesis for this trip was my desire to help my mother realize her dream of hiking in the Alps, my wife and two teenage kids, strong and experienced hikers and backpackers, would never hear of me going without them. Plus, I invited along some extended family and friends with a range of comfort levels and stamina in the mountains (but fortuitously including people who speak two of the three languages we will use on the TMB). Our group comprises a dozen people—we could field a soccer team.

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  Facing the challenge of finding a multi-day Alps trek that could accommodate a diverse group, I had settled quickly on the Tour du Mont Blanc. Scenically, it has few rivals in the entire world, and we would sample the mountain culture—and food—of three nations. But most conveniently, the TMB passes through towns and villages and crosses roads frequently. While we will spend three nights in mountain huts—all in stunning surroundings, a unique Alpine experience that I wanted everyone to have—we will sleep most nights in hotel beds, something Mom’s 80-year-old muscles will appreciate. And the availability of public transportation almost every day allows Mom and anyone else to skip or shorten a hard section or sit out a rainy day.

Those convenient logistics led me to think this plan might actually work.

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Trekkers hiking to the Col de la Seigne, Tour du Mont Blanc, France.

Now, walking beside my octogenarian mother up the Vallée des Glaciers toward the Rifugio des Mottets, the only sounds are the soothing rumble of the river, the Torrent des Glaciers, and the far-off moans of an icy wind blowing off the 12,520-foot (3816m) Aiguille des Glaciers, looming above the valley.

Mom admonishes me to slow down. “Remember,” she says, “you’re hiking with a snail.” (Her informal hiking club proudly calls itself the Snails.)

We have barely begun a long, hard trek, and neither of us really knows how it will go for her, attempting to walk a substantial portion of this trail that wraps like a 106-mile-long lasso around the tallest mountain in the Alps. Although she continually amazes me in her physical stamina and pain threshold, still, the notion of an 80-year-old embarking on a multi-day hike through the Alps is kind of nuts.

But neither of us worries much about what lies ahead. And that calm optimism just may be the source of her strength.

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  The Tour du Mont Blanc in Italy

An icy wind blowing down from a severely cracked glacier just above us scours the outdoor deck of the Rifugio Elizabetta Soldini as we step outside on our fourth morning on the Tour du Mont Blanc. Clouds the color of battleships cling to the tops of jagged peaks flanking the glacier, but down the Val Veny below us, rows of spires stand silhouetted against blue sky.

We’re heading in that direction. And my mother has made a unilateral decision to throw out my carefully crafted agenda.

Today, we face a nine-mile hike, with a substantial stretch of uphill, from the Elizabetta hut to the resort town of Courmayeur, Italy. I had expected my mom to walk an easy mile with us to a road and catch a bus to Courmayeur. But she decided that plan sounds a little too sedentary. She wants to hike the entire distance.

I will share this truth with you: The stereotype of the kindly old lady is a myth. Octogenarians can be irritatingly strong-willed. Especially the ones that go hiking.

My daughter, Alex, hiking toward Courmayeur, Italy, on the Tour du Mont Blanc.

In all seriousness, I think she’ll do fine—probably. Yesterday, hiking about six miles from Rifugio des Mottets to Rifugio Elizabetta, Mom had crushed the 2,100-foot ascent to the Col de la Seigne—a jaw-dropping mountain pass at 8,255 feet (2516m) where we crossed into Italy—in well under three hours. Not bad for a snail.

She naturally can’t match the pace of anyone in our group—especially the teenagers, my nephew, Marco, and my kids, Nate and Alex, who frequently bound ahead beyond sight and earshot. But she keeps plodding steadily forward, accompanied by me or others. Whenever the faster hikers stop to take pictures or grab a snack, she inevitably comes puttering along, the proverbial, persistent tortoise somehow always catching up with the hares.

Guido Buenstorf hiking to Courmayeur, Italy, on the Tour du Mont Blanc.

Her unflagging clip yesterday, in fact, resulted in us arriving at the Elizabetta hut by early afternoon—earlier than I had expected. And she apparently wasn’t tired yet, because when Alex, Marco, our German friend, Guido Buenstorf, and I announce we were taking an afternoon hike up a steep trail behind the hut to an overlook of the glacier, she was the only taker. An entire afternoon, she told me flatly, “is too long to just hang around in the hut.”

After a 45-minute walk from Elizabetta down the valley, we make a long, 1,500-foot climb through forest and then over open, grassy, wildflower meadows onto the rolling terrain of a ridge forming the southern wall of the Val Veni. Across the valley, the Brouillard and Freney glaciers carve wide paths amid a quiver of dark stone spires. Clouds obscure the heights of Blanc, but the view is breathtaking almost every step of the way.

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About four hours after leaving the hut, we reach the top of ski slopes high above Courmayeur and descend a chair lift and gondola into town, where we meet up as planned with my sister, Julie, and her 21-year-old daughter, Anna, at the Hotel Crampon. That evening, we gorge on an excellent dinner at Ristorante La Terrazza, our meals ranging from margherita pizza for Alex and Marco to an exquisite gnocci in wild boar sauce that my wife Penny and I both eat.

A Dream of Trekking the Swiss Alps

In many ways, the route that led my mom and me to the Tour du Mont Blanc stretches over far more miles than we’ll hike this week. She has hiked and backpacked with me all over the U.S. for more than three decades. Bridging more than half my lifetime, it’s a route that we have kept walking together, in all honesty, longer than I’d ever expected.

In fact, I’ve twice thought that she and I had already taken our last, major hike together: the first time on a weeklong hut-to-hut trek in Norway’s Jotunheimen National Park that turned out cold, wet, and hard, when she was 75; and then hiking Mount St. Helens when she was 76, a very strenuous, 10-mile, 4,500-vertical-foot day that stretched into 11 hours before we finished. A year after St. Helens, when my family took a weeklong, hut-to-hut trek through Italy’s Dolomite Mountains, she very much wanted to join us. I reluctantly told her I didn’t think it was a good idea, and given how hard that trek was, I still believe that was a good call. But I know missing that one greatly disappointed her.

Then my father got cancer. No one suffers from that horrible disease more than the patient, of course. But a terminal illness affects the lives and decisions of a victim’s entire family. My mother took no major hiking trip for two straight summers. He passed away 16 months after being diagnosed, two days after their fifty-sixth anniversary.

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Hiking to the Refugio Bonatti, Tour du Mont Blanc, Italy.

Last winter, she turned 80. She had been telling me for several years—probably going back to when she was a spry young lass barely past 70—that she’d love to hike in the Swiss Alps. The Tour du Mont Blanc seemed to offer the right opportunity to finally show her the Alps on one of the world’s great treks. My sister, Julie, offered to join us, hiking some days while providing critical logistical support by accompanying our mother on buses and trains around two harder sections of the TMB. As it turned out, they would also elect to take a long bus ride instead of joining the rest of us on day six, hiking through hours of wind-driven rain over the Grand Col de Ferret at 8,323-foot (2537m), the mountain pass where we stepped from Italy into Switzerland.

She’s remarkably fit and agile for her age, and tough. But at 80, there’s no getting around the fact that her biological clock resembles an hourglass whose bottom lobe looks nearly full. Problem is, the top lobe has opaque sides—we can’t see how much sand remains in it. Compounding matters, she had been sidelined for most of the spring with a foot injury, and wasn’t able to resume her exercise program and training hikes until only a month before we flew to Geneva.

See which section of the Tour du Mont Blanc made “My 25 Most Scenic Days of Hiking Ever.”

But as she bluntly reminds me, “I’m not getting younger. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to do these trips.”

Our options seemed clear: Go to the Alps this year, accepting the risk that it may prove too hard for her, or risk regretting never having tried it. We hardly had to discuss it before deciding to go.

Hiking Over the Fenétre d’Arpette

The water of Lac de Champex offers a razor-sharp reflection of the intensely green mountainsides across the lake as nine of us form a conga line of boots and backpacks, walking through the small, post-card town of Champex-Lac, Switzerland. The sun feels warm and the morning air chilly as we set out excitedly for our eighth day on the TMB.

But we’re still talking about last night’s dinner.

At the Hotel Alpina, a six-room inn located at the end of a road on one of the highest points in Champex-Lac, overlooking a bucolic valley and more glaciated mountains, we had the best meal of the trek—and, many of us agreed, one of the best dinners we had ever eaten. The multiple courses began with croustini de serac a l’huile de ciboulette, followed by filet de veau (veal) a l’orientale, pain de pomme de terre (potato bread), and a dessert of poire (pear) gourmande au caramel au beurre demi-sel. Looking around the long table where the 12 of us were seated, I could see everyone doing exactly what I was doing: savoring every bite in our mouths for as long as possible.

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Lac de Champex, along the Tour du Mont Blanc, Champex-Lac, Switzerland.

Today, taking advantage of the TMB’s logistical flexibility, we’re splitting into three groups. Mom, Julie, and Anna will enjoy a rest day, taking public transportation to our next inn, in the village of Finhaut, Switzerland. The rest of us will hike two different routes from Champex to the Col de la Forclaz, near Finhaut, where I’ve arranged rides for us to the inn.

Guido, his wife, Inken Poszner, and our Boise friend Fiona Wilhelm opt for the nearly 10-mile (16k) primary TMB route via Alp Bovine (where they will confirm a rumor that the best pastries on the Tour du Mont Blanc can be bought at the dairy farm there). My family, Marco, and our friend Jeff Wilhelm (Fiona’s father) turn onto the 8.7-mile (14k) TMB variant that ascends nearly 4,000 feet (1199m) to cross over the Fenétre d’Arpette mountain pass at 8,743 feet (2665 meters)—one of the two highest points on the TMB.

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We follow a quiet country lane past some private homes and small lodges, beyond which the road narrows to a footpath. As we ascend a valley, the way grows increasingly steeper; we clamber over large talus boulders. After slogging uphill for a solid four hours, we wade into a small crowd of trekkers lounging in the cool breeze at the Fenétre d’Arpette, a notch in a mountain ridge. On the other side, the broad, crevassed tongue of the Trient Glacier hangs down into the valley we’re descending. Not far down the other side, we hear a loud crack and look up to see ice calve from the glacier and rain down cliffs exposed only in recent years as the glacier, like most others in the Alps, continues a fast retreat as the climate warms.

At the Col de la Forclaz, a pass with a busy, two-lane highway and a powerful wind both cutting through it, we’re met by Ilse Bekker-Maassen, who owns the Chalet Bekker with her mountain-guide husband, Edward. She transports us to her inn, a homey place in the woods overlooking Finhaut. That night, Ilse serves us a dinner of raclette, a traditional meal of Switzerland’s Valais region, consisting of raclette cheese melted over bread and potatoes which everyone would have devoured even if we weren’t ravenous from a big day’s hike.

It’s now official: We have been spoiled by the food along the Tour du Mont Blanc.

A Big, Last Day to Chamonix

For our trek’s ninth and final day, Ilse suggests an alternative to stage nine of the Tour du Mont Blanc. Instead, Ilse points out on the map a roughly six-mile trail from the Emosson dam, a short drive from Finhaut on the border of Switzerland and France, to the little village of Le Buet, where we can catch a short, inexpensive train into Chamonix. The trail follows a high ridge across the valley from the TMB, offering constant views of the Mount Blanc massif rather than hiking along its flanks, as we would on the TMB. So we decide to do it, and a bluebird morning sky portends one of the trip’s nicest days.

Ilse offers to drive us to the dam, but notes that anyone interested can also begin from Finhaut with an uphill hike of almost five miles and 2,000 feet just to reach the dam. Some of us opt for the longer day—including, of course, my mom, who I had actually, fleetingly imagined might be feeling kind of tired.

We hike the relentless ascent at her snail’s pace. Below us, Finhaut slowly retreats into the distance, revealing the village as a cluster of homes and hotels clinging to the steep mountainside. At the dam, we meet up with those who drove up with Ilse and eat lunch in the restaurant. Mom looks as fresh as if she’d accepted the ride instead of hiking there.

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Alex below the Fenetre d’Arpette, Tour du Mont Blanc, Switzerland.

Beyond the dam, the trail immediately presents us with a short traverse across an exposed rock face—a no-fall zone with a fixed chain in place as a handrail. A trekker coming from the other direction says there are numerous similar sections for the next couple of miles. Julie, who’s recovering from a shoulder injury suffered a few weeks before the trip and has hiked with one arm in a sling all week, decides to turn back and take public transportation from the dam down to the valley; Inken and Guido join her.

For the next couple of hours, Marco, Alex, Anna, and I shadow my mother, lending her a hand or spotting or boosting her when she needs it; but she does most of the work of hauling herself up and down under her own power. I can see the kids are proud of being part of her team. They keep pulling out their phones to shoot video and pictures of her scaling these short walls of rock.

We reach a nearly vertical wall of rock about 15 feet high, requiring third-class scrambling up a rising diagonal traverse. My mom looks up at it and, rather than reacting with fear, busts out laughing at the absurdity of it all. “Oh, my gosh,” she says, chuckling. “This is unbelievable.” But with her young aides surrounding her like Secret Service agents, she scales yet another section of this trail that would turn away many people half her age.

To borrow an expression from the French: “C’est incroyable!”

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The Power of Positive Thinking

Years ago, I gave my mother the nickname “The World’s Toughest Grandma” for her hiking feats. (And as we hike the TMB, she is actually soon to be a great-grandmother. Chew on that fact for a minute.) But the source of what many of us describe as toughness or fortitude may reside in an attitude more fundamental to individual human nature—an attribute I’ve seen her manifest countless times over the years, like the day she stared down her fears to scale the cable route up Yosemite’s Half Dome when she was nearing 60. Where some people see a glass as half empty, my mother sees it as half full.

Science has proven that the brain influences the body’s physical health: Thinking positive thoughts boosts the immune system, counters depression, and lowers blood pressure. Focusing on the positive in their lives has helped some people with chronic illnesses live longer, while a positive view of aging can lead to better health and longevity.

Researchers at the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine found that, among people with a family history of heart disease, those who had a positive outlook were one-third less likely to have a heart attack or other cardiovascular event than those with a negative outlook; positive people in the general population were 13 percent less likely than their negative counterparts to have a heart attack. According to a University of Kansas study, a simple smile reduces heart rate and blood pressure during stressful situations.

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What does that mean for an old lady trying to hike day after day through the Alps?

My mother doesn’t visualize failure. Even at 80, she visualizes success. She believes she will make it, and aided by her fitness level, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy—and not because it’s easy for her, not by a long stretch. Watching her hike, you can see she’s not walking up and down mountains pain-free. Jeff will tell me later that his GPS measured today’s hike from Finhaut to Le Buet at 10.9 miles with close to 4,000 vertical feet of cumulative elevation gain. For almost anyone, at any age, that’s a huge day. Hiking five of our nine days out here, she will cover more than 43 miles of the 106-mile Tour du Mont Blanc (no one in our group did the entire route), with well over 10,000 vertical feet of climbing.

And yet, to her, the pleasure she derives from it eclipses the suffering. Her optimism is something that many people, of all ages, in any context, could take a lesson from.

Anna Garofalo hiking from Emosson dam to Le Buet, Switzerland.

All afternoon on the high, rugged traverse from the Emosson dam, we stop repeatedly to gape across the valley plunging away thousands of feet to the glaciers and jagged skyline of Mont Blanc muscling into the brilliantly blue sky. A sprawling massif more than 15 miles (25k) long, plastered with more than 40 glaciers, Mont Blanc comprises some 400 distinct summits, including some of the most famous names in mountaineering history: the Grandes Jorasses, Aiguille Noire, the Dru and Aiguille du Midi. Its true summit towers 12,000 feet above Chamonix, France, and nearly two vertical miles higher than the nearest habitations in Italy, and overlooks seven valleys in three countries.

At one point, while catching her breath, Mom looks around and says, “It’s hard, but it’s beautiful. I’m really glad I did this today.”

  The Big Outside is proud to partner with sponsor Switzerland Tourism, who supported this trip and this story about trekking the Tour du Mont Blanc. Click on the Switzerland logo to find out more about traveling in that beautiful country.

  With evening rapidly approaching, Anna, Marco, Mom, and I reach the Refuge de la Loriaz hut—we had told the others a while back to go on ahead of us—and begin a long descent on a gravel road through the forest. Shortly after 7 p.m., almost 10 hours after setting out from Finhaut, the four of us reach the train stop in the village of Le Buet shortly before the day’s last train pulls up at 7:41 p.m. Twenty minutes later, our nine-day journey comes full circle with us arriving back in Chamonix.

We stroll down bustling streets past scores of people talking and laughing at outdoor restaurant tables. Approaching our hotel, we see Guido and Inken sitting at a table outside, smiling at us. They congratulate Mom; Inken gives her a warm hug.

Save yourself a lot of time. Get my e-guide “The Perfect, Flexible Plan for Hiking the Tour du Mont Blanc.”

“Watching her walk over to us, it doesn’t look like she just did this huge hike,” Guido tells me.

I just nod. How do you explain people like her? She hasn’t overcome physical pain or exhaustion, of course. She has simply decided it will not stop her from going after a sense of satisfaction that’s larger than the pain. She understands that age eventually wins out over us all. But she’s not giving in without a damned good fight.

She has a simple but powerful force on her side: the right attitude. Not to mention a good, steady snail’s pace.

Tell me what you think.

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  See a menu of all of my stories about family adventures and international adventures at The Big Outside.

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Marco Garofalo at the Fenetre d’Arpette, on the Tour du Mont Blanc in Switzerland.

Trip Planner: Trekking the Tour du Mont Blanc 

THIS TRIP IS GOOD FOR anyone in moderately good physical condition, including children, with the caveat that some may want to skip or shorten harder days by using the public transportation and taxi options available along the Tour du Mont Blanc. The route is well marked and virtually always obvious—especially the primary route—so basic map-reading skills are adequate to find your way without any major problems. There are also enough other trekkers on the TMB, speaking several languages, that you can often ask directions if needed.

Subscribers to The Big Outside can read the rest of this TMB Trip Planner (below), with my tips on planning the Tour du Mont Blanc, and get access to all stories.

Want to get far more trip-planning and route details? Get my e-guide “The Perfect, Flexible Plan for Hiking the Tour du Mont Blanc.”

Join The Big Outside now to read ALL stories and get a free e-guide!

. . .

Resources Switzerland Tourism, https://www.myswitzerland.com/en-ch/home.html, and Valais hiking tours, valais.ch/en/activities/hiking/hiking-tours.

[helensclimbingandcakes]

A catch up blog: wrote this 2 years ago for Misty Mountain

Surviving when it all comes crashing down.

Last year (2016) I was working my second season on the Yosemite Search and Rescue team living to climb in the high country utopia, Tuolumne Meadows. 

My job was to help people and I was living the way humans are supposed to live - in a community without screens where evening entertainment is around a camp fire sharing good food and stories. I was healthy and happy and climbed hard, notably; Positivity a 5.13 naturally protected pitch of technical crack and crimpers. 

High on altitude induced fitness I ran up the mountains effortlessly. At the end of the season I was heading back to Colorado to start my dream job and enter into the next chapter of my life. But first, as would be the natural response of any die-hard climber about to enter into a full time career, I went on a massive climbing bender, climbing 59 pitches in less than a week. I drove out of Yosemite Valley, sore and scratched, sad to be moving on, but excited for the future. Then my life, along with American politics came crashing down around me.

The climbing bender started with a lap up Astroman with a fantastic partner Roby, who was keen to do the Rostroman after a day of rest. The Rostroman consists of climbing two classic Yosemite free climbs, The Rostrum (8 pitches) and Astroman (11 pitches) of mostly 5.11 climbing in one day.  It’s a basic Yosemite benchmark for free climbing link-ups. It had been a goal of mine for a couple of seasons, so I was excited to get an opportunity for the tick.  It rained that day, and the rock was slick, friction at an all time low. I fell once out of the Harding slot, which was frustrating because I had freed it last season, and just one day earlier. We ran the decent, and while I was bounding down the steep rock gully I slammed my knee full speed into an unforgiving rock. Gritting my teeth I limped back to the car downed some Ibuprofen, ate a few bars I scrounged from my glove box (after discovering I had forgotten my carefully prepared lunch), and hobbled down to the start of the Rostrum. Despite the knee and rain and the dark on the last few pitches we topped out around 9pm. We finished both the routes in 14 hours.  

Two days later I was climbing again with another awesome partner, Lauren. We were on the Nose in a Day (NIAD) and I was feeling the burn, climbing the free pitches on the first half of the famous route I felt tired and slow. We topped out on El Cap at about 18 hours several hours less than the first time I had climbed it in a day. Despite being sore and tired I felt amazing. Lauren and I had only just met a few days earlier and never climbed together before. While there was a lot we could improve on through the 31 pitches the whole day was super fun and we just kept moving and encouraging and supporting each other. I can’t wait to climb with Lauren again.

Quick side note; I used Misty’s Cadillac big wall harness for these goals. At the risk of sounding like an over inflated advert; it is truly the best harness for the job. There are two rows of gear loops that help keep everything organized. 

The Cadillac is a little heavier as far as harnesses go, but it has this wide support waist that provides tones of comfort in a hanging belay or when a heavier climber takes a whip, and when the gear is heavy and waiting the harness on your hips. Also it’s the only big wall harness I have found that fits my small waist. When short fixing and running the pitches out I place a double rack over 3-4 pitches (the real speed climbers do it over 10 pitches, no way am I that bold!). It can be hours between meeting up with your climbing partner face to face, so all gear for those hours, water bottles, clothing, shoes, etc also has to be clipped onto the harness, none of this switching the pack every pitch. Lauren and I split the Nose into two, I did the first pitches and we swung leads at Eagle Ledge after the King Swing.

Then things got really hard. I failed a selection test after 9 weeks of fire academy, a job I had worked hard for three years trying to get. I can’t say right now about the things I experienced during my time in the academy because the reasons why I was failed are still being looked into. At times I was not treated fairly. Prior to being employed I went through a lengthy application and interview process, I was tested physically, medically, academically, took drug tests, psychological evaluations, had an integrity interview, and polygraph (lie detector) test. I passed them all by being honest and genuine. The fire department wanted people who held integrity in the highest regard; they wanted people whose prime motivation was to help people at all costs. They wanted people who spoke and acted like moral and just members of the community. Then once they hired us the put us into a highly abusive training environment where mistakes (even when learning something for the very first time) were not tolerated.

During my time in the academy I also experienced some of the worst luck imaginable. A young woman stole my mail and started writing herself checks faking my signature and withdrawing all the money I had in my account. My car got crashed into and ended up being taken to the wreckers. I suffered a terrible illness during one of my external testing weeks; I was taking Zofran by day and throwing up by night. As I said before I can’t go into specifics, but after this experience I was crushed. The results of the USA election compounded the situation. For a recent immigrant to the USA the brute that a small percentage of Americans voted for is a horrifying, terrifying future. I went home to New Zealand.

In tough times I climb. I match myself, or sometimes bash myself against the rock.  I suffer and strive, and pull down and fly. I feel the burn, I feel the warm tingling sensation of trying as hard as I can, and I top out and scream into the wind, “I will SURVIVE!” and I heal.

Usually unemployment for me and fellow climbers is a joyous time. I can live off next-to-nothing, and really just want to be climbing rather than working anyway. But I was injured. I obtained a shoulder injury while on the job at fire academy. I have damage to my labrum and possibly need surgery. I can’t climb. Actually I can’t even lift the 2 pound container of laundry detergent off the high shelf to put into the washer. I got informed that my injury will not be covered by the employer where the injury occurred. I will have to cover all of the medical expenses through my own insurance, which somehow means a minimum of several thousand out of pocket expenditure as well as insurance paying the rest of the inflated medical costs that are simply baffling to your average New Zealander.

People kept saying to me, just be positive. Things could be worse. I do understand this, I do still have my health (more or less), I have a loving husband,  family all over the world who are very supportive, and the climbing community. I am not out on the streets, I do have my limbs still intact, and I will recover from this injury. I can even go home to New Zealand if and when things get really crazy here in the USA. But the most helpful thing that anyone has said to me through this was “I don’t know what to say, it just  sucks Helen”. Yes it can always be worse, I understand that. But right now I feel totally worthless, I lost my job  through unfair circumstances, I am injured, I have been robbed of all my money and my car got totaled. My self confidence is at an all time low. Sometimes the acknowledgement of that can be truly healing.

So the climbing community opened their arms to me, and took me in. I am very lucky that my family and the climbing community are one and the same. I went back to New Zealand and traveled with my brother, always the rock in my life, and who I first climbed El Cap with. We went mountaineering, spear fishing, kayaking and snorkeling.

I am back coaching at the Spot Climbing Gym in Boulder. The young athletes I coach there force me to look forward and not dwell on the things that could have been.  It felt like I had left to look for a new family, failed and returned the ever faithful dedicated and loyal climbing community. No matter where I am in the world this group of people have been there for me. Misty contacted me during this time asking for my story, asking what I needed from them. I was dismayed, I can’t climb I thought. But I have to tell myself that just because I can’t send 5.13 crack right now doesn’t mean I am not a climber.

 “It’s not about how many times you fall down; it’s about how many times you get back up”. That sounds a lot like bouldering, and bouldering is fun.

[ruffsficstuffplace]

The Keeper of the Grove (Part 79)

Weiss was in her dreamworld, sitting on the side of her bed in her old room in Manor Schnee—before it had been vaporized by Tinmen with shotguns, at least.

The door opened, Weiss looked up and frowned.

Jacques Schnee sucked in a deep breath, and sighed. “Well, I do hope you’re happy now...” he said as he strode in, his hands behind his back, the disappointment clear on his face.

Weiss didn’t reply.

“How is this new life treating you, Weiss?” Jacques asked. “Enjoying your ‘freedom’? Literally living in the very swamp of civilization, forced to muck about in the dirt, sharing space with these animals?”

Weiss scowled as she looked up. “Those ‘animals’ are my friends, and have been treating me far better than you ever had!”

Jacques scowled. “Really, Weiss?

“All I have ever done, it was for your own good—I feed you, I clothe you, I educate you, I protect you, I go out of my way to provide you every single comfort and luxury you could ever want or need, I introduce you to the best possible connections and try to bring you into the company of success, talent, and genius, whilst keeping you away from the rabble you insist on associating with...

“… And then there’s the romances you’ve attempted.”

Weiss looked back down.

“First, there was your fencing instructor. What a scandal that would have been, had it not been to our mutual fortune that she would agree to settle this quietly and gracefully! I paid for every single session of that damned therapist believing she could tame your worst impulses, kill those naive dreams of true love, and teach you the reality of relationships.

“As you seem so keen on forgetting in spite of all my reminders: it’s a transaction, an arrangement, business, convenience, and practicality when it was invented in the Old World, and still is in spite of all the pomp, the irrationality, and misguided spirituality they’ve infused in it over the millenia.

“If I hadn’t been here to bail you out every singe time those ventures of yours failed, you would have long been bankrupt, pining for your lost loves in the squalor of one of those dwellings for the ‘unfortunate’--though I’m sure your sister would happily jeopardize her own life to coddle you like she had with the Queensguard.”

Jacques let out another heavy sigh. “Did you really think it would be different this time, Weiss?

“Did you really think that because this ‘Ruby’ is not even human, that the differences between you, this alien deathtrap you chose to live in, the questionable and worrying circumstances this ‘relationship’ arose from, that somehow those would invalidate those problems that sunk every other ‘romance’ you’ve attempted?

“Did you really think, that after everything she has shown herself to be, the grand manipulations of these ‘Fae,’ the suspicious coincidences and exceptions given to you, that there wasn’t some ulterior motive in all of this?”

“Do you really think that animal loves you...?”

Weiss balled her fists. “SHUT UP!”

Jacques blinked, before his face contorted in a rage. “What did you just say to me, young lady?!”

“I SAID: SHUT UP!” Weiss said as she shot up out of her bed and stormed up to him, frost pouring out of her hands. “Shut the fuck up, before I am forced to permanently shut it for you!”

Jacques was unfazed. “Threats, Weiss? Really...?”

“Don’t test me, father...” Weiss growled. “I’m not a helpless little kid anymore!”

“And what exactly do you call this temper tantrum?!”

“Standing up for herself, is what!” Nick cried.

Jacques whirled around, found himself facing the barrel of Nick’s lucky plasma pistol, a fresh clip in the barrel, the sides of it glowing bright.

Jacques mirrored the scowl on Nick’s face. “I thought you said you’d never use threats...” he growled.

“That’s because someone using force to get what they want tends to be a real good indicator of someone who shouldn’t have power in the first place, and dead bodies tend to cause more problems than they solve.

“Now scram before I have to throw your dead ass off the balcony.

Jacques pressed his forehead up to the barrel.

“Are you really sure you want to find out if I’ll pull the trigger, Jacques?” Nick asked coolly.

“Like you would actually do it...” Jacques growled.

Fzzshh!

Thud.

“As a matter of fact: I would!” Nick said as he knelt down and pressed the barrel to the back of Jacques’ head. “Since unlike you, I actually follow through on what I say I’d do—‘I’ll take good care of your daughter, your grandchildren, and your legacy’ my ass!”

Fzzshh!

Nick stood up, and waved his gun in the air to disperse the excess energy lingering around the barrel, before he holstered it in his back pocket. He stepped over Jacques’ corpse and to Weiss’ side. “You okay, sweetheart?” he asked as he put a hand on her shoulder.

“No!” Weiss cried. “I wanted to kill him!”

Nick frowned and patted her on the shoulder. “Sorry, sweetheart. Think you can stomach bringing him back to life?”

Weiss debated it. “I think I’ll just watch you throw him off my balcony, thanks.”

Nick nodded as he hoisted Jacques’ corpse over his shoulder. “Frozen or fresh?” he asked as he and Weiss walked over out to one of her balconies. “Whether he splats or cracks, I’ll be happy to see him where he belongs—in the ground.”

“Frozen,” Weiss replied as Nick stood him up by the edge. “I want to preserve that stupid look on his face,” she said as she readied her magic.

Granddaughter and grandfather spent a moment admiring the frozen corpse of Jacques Schnee, permanently caught surprised in death, before Nick threw him off the edge. They leaned over and watched it fall several stories down to a patch of Acropolis bedrock floating in the middle of a sea of white.

Crash!

They both smiled. “Thanks, Grandpa,” Weiss said as she and Nick waltzed back into her room. “I needed that.”

“Any time, sweetheart!” Nick said as he warmed his chilly hands.

“Where’s Grandma?”

“’Somewhere around here in the recesses of your psyche, being repressed as part of this rather strange and frankly questionable coping mechanism/paranormal phenomenon’ as she’d say,” Nick said. “You could call her in if you’d like, but I think you and I both know there’s a reason you only called me over this time.”

Weiss nodded as she sat down on her bed. Nick sat down beside her, the mattress sank and Weiss slid right into his side. He put a muscular, gigantic arm around her shoulders, one that easily dwarfed her small figure like it did with Freya.

“What do I do, Grandpa…?” Weiss asked.

“Well, if you want to go by my example: I’d say try out the ill-advised, unorthodox-to-say-the-least romantic relationship, and see if it’ll work out fine eventually. It’s not like terrible, ill-advised romantic decisions made in even worse circumstances isn’t fucking genetic on my side, judging by Snowie, you, and Winter!”

Weiss nodded. “What made you sure you wanted to confess to Grandma?” she asked.

“Nothing, that’s what!” Nick replied. “I wasn’t sure of shit, just like I wasn’t sure that my little project to go find something to help us humans un-fuck ourselves over, but hell, I figured if the odds of dying horribly out in the Country and coming back with fuck-all didn’t stop me from assembling the original crew, then I shouldn’t let that stop me from telling Frosty I had the hots for her.”

“When did you realize you were in love with her?”

Nick chuckled. “Cliche as it sounds, since the day I met her. Always did have a thing for the older, intellectual types who’ve been around long enough to know that they ain’t taking anyone’s bullshit. Besides, there was something real sexy about a lady that always made sure to ‘properly enunciate’ her four letter words.”

“But didn’t you keep writing about how much you hated her, and how you only kept her on because she could help keep you all from dying of dehydration?”

Nick chuckled. “It’s not impossible to feel both sides of the coin about something at the same time, aint’ it?”

Weiss sighed. “True… but weren’t you worried about the consequences? What if she left?”

“That’s why I tried to find so many ways to try and purify water without Frosty’s fancy techniques and machines.

“For one thing, I didn’t like the idea of not dying of thirst to rely on the saltiest bitch I have ever met in my entire life, for both the risk of losing her and her having that kind of leverage over us; for another, the prototypes could be salvaged and integrated into all the other hodgepodge tech we built like my blaster”--he patted his pistol--”and for a third, I was damned sure she was going to find out eventually, so I may as well prepare for the inevitable.

“I’m pretty sure she wasn’t joking when she said she worked with a secret intelligence agency once—would go a long way to explaining why Frosty just loved herself her secrets and those ridiculous ‘Pythian prophecies.’”

Weiss nodded. “Was it worth all the diarrhea though…?”

Nick frowned. “That… that I really can’t say, considering those shits were horrifying. What did end up happening though was that Frosty was tired of having to stick needles in me to pump rehydration solutions to keep me alive twice or thrice a week, so she asked me:

“’Nicholas, why the fuck are you trying to make all of these crappy water purifiers of yours? Don’t my creations work well enough for the all of us? Or is a doctor of Environmental Science, specializing in Water Management not good enough for you...?’

“So I told her I wanted to talk to her—alone, far away from the rest of the camp, preferably with the same tricks she used to disappear on us when it was convenient.”

“What did Grandma think…?”

“She said she thought I’d finally reached the end of my rope, and she was finally going to see me use a threat for the first time since she met me, if she just didn’t decide to throw me off that cliff outright—she and everyone else knew I could pick her up and throw her one-handed, easily.”

“So what did you say to her?”

Nick took a deep breath. “I said: ‘Freya, I love you.’”

Weiss blinked. “And…?”

“And, that was it! I’ll be the first one to say that I’ve opened my mouth when I shouldn’t way more than when I should have just kept it shut, but in that moment, I decided that it’d just be best to get straight to the point, skip the explanations as to why I got there.

“Like she said, she thought I was joking. But it wasn’t funny to her. Not funny at all.”

Weiss frowned. “What happened…?”

“Much the same like you, actually: she freaked the fuck out. Unlike you, Frosty got physical and verbal, started tearing at me with the fury of people four times her size and six times her weight, so much I damn near fell off that cliff!”

“How did you survive? The journal for that day was corrupted past that point.”

Nick shrugged. “Guess I managed to catch my footing, or Frosty found the leverage to pull someone like me back. Piper knows it wasn’t my first dodge by pure luck, nor the first miracle she’d pulled off with all her science, smarts, and fancy degrees and doctorates.”

Weiss sighed. “And here I thought you could fill in the blanks in your stories from beyond the grave.”

Nick patted her. “Sorry, kid, but it looks like that’s a point for Subconscious Sock Puppets.”

Weiss grumbled. “So was it worth it, trying to make things work with Grandma?”

Nick smiled. “Hell yes. And before you ask: it’s up to you to decide, if you want to try and make things work with Ruby. Sure, me and Frosty were different as can be—about as close to a real world example of the old Fire and Ice analogy as you can get—and we still made it work!

“But, we didn’t have the fate of all of Avalon depending on us popping out some badass babies to kill whatever the fuck it is the Fae is trying to keep out of the walls of the Bastion but still inside the Valley.”

Weiss looked down. “How do I know if Ruby’s worth it?”

“Do what I did: try it out, see for yourself. But also like I did: think long and hard about how you’re going to do that, when you’re going to do it, and maybe go see if there’s anyone else that tried the same thing and see how it worked out for them.

“It’s why we pay so much damn attention to those reviews and ratings on the Info-Grid, don’t we?”

Weiss nodded. “Right. Who, though?”

“Aside from the obvious choice of Taiyang, try asking Abner. Sounds like he and Ily were pretty close, and he’s probably stayed close with all the other Keepers for the past 500 years. Could be a good source of info on Ruby, too.”

Weiss hummed. “I’ll make a note of it.” She hugged Nick’s side, her arms barely capable of wrapping around him for how large and muscular he was. “Thanks for everything, Grandpa—even if you are just probably a sign that this Valley’s driven me insane.”

Nick hugged her back, completely engulfing Weiss in his grip, careful not to squeeze too hard. “Anytime, Weiss, anytime...”

Weiss pulled away. “Can you please leave, and give me some time to think now?”

Nick let go of her and got up. “Sure thing—love ya, Weiss,” he said, saluting her goodbye.

Weiss waved goodbye. “I love you too, Grandpa.”

Nick went to the door, opened it, and left.

Weiss looked around at her old room in Manor Schnee, and frowned; it began to dissolve around her, rapidly replaced by the now familiar mud and dirt of the training grounds, her meditation fountain burbling quietly.

She smiled. “Much better.”

She sat down underneath the fountain, and began to meditate.

Weiss woke up to the sight of a magic-proof box that had been teleported into her cell while she was asleep. She opened it up, found her newly modified gauntlet inside, along with canisters of mana-water and some more colourful and appetizing looking versions of nutriblocks.

Abner’s notes beside it assured her that his “special mix tastes vastly better!” though Weiss found it was like halfway-decent granola bars.

“Better than cardboard and wood chips, though,” she thought as she ate.

She put her glove back on, flinched as she felt her magic muted like Myrtenaster during the Eve of the Ether. The leather hadn’t gotten any thicker, but the metals and crystals had been carved with intricate runes, plus a new switch-like mechanism—the “safety” for her powers.

Weiss tried to cast a puff of frost with the safety on. She felt herself putting in effort to produce it, fighting against the glove doing its damndest to absorb and stop everything.

Then, she turned it off, saw the new carvings light up and heard them hum, and tried again.

Swoosh!

Weiss’ eyes widened, pulling back from the blast of hail she had produced. She sighed as she flipped the safety back on, unconsciously wincing from the sensation—probably what a dog felt like when it was muzzled.

“Looks like the Eve still has some surprises up its sleeve...” she muttered.

She practiced by dispelling the ice around her, before she called for someone to let her out. It turned out to be one of Abner’s golems, dressed up like an Old World London police officer complete with the ridiculous hat.

“Where’s Abner and the others?” she asked.

A holo popped out of its chest, Nivian text explaining that most everyone had gone home to Keeper’s Hollow or back to the hospital, while Penny and Abner had stayed to properly test Winter’s magical capabilities, and were currently at the Raucous Room, seeing them in action.

Weiss asked it to take her there, down came the barrier, and off they went. She wondered just how exactly Winter’s powers were going to manifest, given what she knew of all the many different branches and specializations of Weavers...

[warmau]

What would VIXX be like if they were detectives and you were either their assistant or the person they were scolding the case for? Or even the one they were trying to apprehend? :0

Hakyeon

world-renowned detective 

only works cases that even the government can’t solve, has an obsession with trying to solve cold cases that are over hundreds of years old

is a Gentlemen to the bone. wears nothing but the most expensive suits, addresses everyone formally, and carries a pocket watch in this day and age

doesn’t like working with partners, it isn’t his thing. like the government will offer him the opportunity to have the smartEST people in korea help him but he’ll always just wave the offer off because he’s got this on his own

he once accepted the help of a policeman and everyone was so shocked but in the end all he did was make the policeman run around making him coffee and at the end of the case hakyeon was like “thank you for all your effort!” and the policeman was like but i didn’t do anything,,,,,and hakyeon just smiled like nonsense, you made the best coffee ive ever had!

you meet hakyeon because you’re related to someone who disappeared mysteriously back in the seventeen hundreds and hakyeon just so happened to have taken on that person’s missing case as a side hobby and he shows up in front of your house

at first pretending to be a repairman and you’re like,,,,,,,are repairman always this handsome and courteous?? also you don’t understand half the big words he’s saying

but you let him in because your sink is broken and hakyeon,,,,probably because he’s like a genius,,,,actually does fix the sink and wipes his hands with this silk handkerchief he takes out of the suit he’s wearing

and in your head you’re doing math like suit + handkerchief + good vocabulary + beautiful face = sink repairman?? no no no it =,,,,

and it takes you more than normal but once hakyeon turns to suddenly ask you a question about your family tree you point at him and go

“detective cha?”

and he just smiles calmly and goes, “took you long enough to notice.”

that’s how he ends up sitting at your table, asking you various questions about where your parents are from, if you know this person or that person

and to be honest you didn’t even know someone in your family went missing that long ago

but hakyeon fills you in on what he knows and when he’s done, he says goodbye in his usual manner - with a bow 

but you don’t let him leave, you grab your coat and you’re like “you’re going to go investigate more aren’t you?” and he’s a bit surprised, but nods and you’re like “ill go with you!!!” 

and as i said before he’s not to excited about partners, and he does try to discourage you as you follow him out to the car outside but you’re determined to find out what happened to your relative and hakyeon,,,,,

looking into your eyes which are clear, and passionate,,,,,,

and actually interested in what he told you decides that it would be very “un-gentlemen” of him to say no to someone who is related to the victim and all that,,,,

so he let’s you come along and revisit some old sites and stop by a museum and question some more people about their relatives who knew the person at hand

and in the end hakyeon, in his mind, has managed to piece together a story that you like ???? could never have imagined

and hakyeon,,,,who sees how well you’ve kept up - even taking to recording notes on your phone while he questioned people,,,,decides to take you to his home and help you figure out his conclusion

and his home is just as elegant and as well kept as he is, everything is in the rich colors of mahogany and silver and with a kind of victorian twist to it

and hakyeon sits you down in front of a large board on which he’s pasted old photos of your relative who went missing, newspaper clippings, handwritten notes, scraps and all that and with the efficiency and lightness of a bird he goes from photo to photo, from article to article

and explains to you exactly what he believes happened on the night of  the appearance so so very long ago

it’s almost like you’re watching a documentary narration as he explains each clue and then at the end he turns to look at you and goes

“they never disappeared, they simply left to be with their lover in another country.”

and you’re like WOW how,,,how could you just get that from all this random old stuff, but you clap your hands and go “what a story! you could write a book!”

and hakyeon blushes a bit becuase ok he’s used to people being like “you’re a genius” or “it was so simple?” but,,,,,a book?? you obviously were more focused on the case than most people,,,,

and you get up to study his board closer and hakyeon is standing close to you as you point at pictures and ask questions

and in the dim light of the room, he sees your face glow and that same spark in your eyes he noticed before

and the way in which your hair smells faintly of something sweet when you lean up beside him,,,

and hakyeon has never been one for a partner because they just get in the way,,,but you,,,,,,,

there’s something about you that doesn’t get in his way,,,instead there’s something about you that comforts him

and when you look at him, smiling and go “do you have any other unsolved cases? another story you can share with me?”

hakyeon decides if there’s one person he wouldn’t mind having a long with him for the next case - it’s you

Ken

really silly private investigator who more than anything doesn’t solve actual cases, but just finds out if spouses are cheating on each other for a good amount of money

spends most of his time in his office with his legs up on the desk playing games on his computer

has an assistant that’s always trying to clean his messes, but literally the minute ken sits down at his desk there’s gum stuck in the keyboard and coffee spilled over files

his assistants always quit like two weeks in 

and it’s when the last one quits that ken puts out an ad for another, because god help him he wouldn’t be able to do his job without someone keeping him functioning

and by functioning is reminding him to take his keys and that no, wearing the long jacket and the fedora just makes him stand out more

and you, who’s just moved to seoul and has no job prospects whatsoever, decide that an assistant job can’t be that hard

until you meet ken

who,when you first come through the door asking to speak to the person in charge, is laying under thirty newspapers taking a nap

and you have to nudge him with your foot to see if he’s awake

and ken’s like OH RiGHT ,,, i DIDNT GO HOME LAST NIGHT!!! and you’re like yikes who is this crazy dude

but then ken dusts himself off and you’re like ok he’s kinda cute not the point and you’re like “where’s ??? investigator ken???” and ken grins and points at himself and is like “speaking!!”

and you’re like holy shit ok um and you’re like “im here for the assistants job here’s my resume-” but ken is just like “no need, you’re hired.  the first weeks a trial week though so no pay, but i will take you out to a complimentary lunch~”

and you’re like um ok but why are you here shouldn’t  you be investigating cases?? and ken laughs like “oh it’s alright, i already know that all our clients are all cheating on each other i just need to get photo proof but i can do it tomorrow”

and you’re like??????? what so you don’t solve like murders

and ken is like “an have to look at dead bodies? no sirrie”

and from that moment you’re like this,,,,,,this isn’t going to be an easy (or normal) job

and it isn’t because two weeks after you work there you’re really thinking of quitting because ken is like a child, both with clients and with you always making bad jokes and slipping over the trash he has scattered

but what stops you is that ken comes through the door with his hands both in casts and you’re like ????? and he’s like “i fell down the stairs in the subway,,,,,,” and you’re like how are you going to work ??? you need to take photos ???? can you use your foot

and ken just gives you a grin,,,,a very sly grin

and you end up in his car - driving to some shady looking street - holding the camera ken is supposed to be holding and ken’s like “you see the guy coming around the corner, that’s mrs. park’s husband, now see the lady over there? that’s his lover - quick snap a photo wait not yet ok,,,,now!”

and you try to take photos but you’re like kEN WONT WE GET ARRESTED

and he’s like no no i have license but you’re like OK I DONT THO

and you see mrs. park’s husband turn and you duck, stumbling a bit and falling into ken’s lap face first

and you hear him burst out into a chuckle and you’re like hitting his thigh like DONT and he’s like sorry sorry this is just so compromised,,,

and you get what he’s implying but you’re like DO N O T even think about it

but then you try to sit back up and ken’s like “don’t, he’s still looking” and you like move a bit so your face isn’t in his lap but like your leaning your head and shoulder against his chest,,,,which is broad btw and quite,,,,,muscular,,,,

but yeah you sit there like that for a bit and ken’s like “ok we’re clear!”

and you sit back up but the client’s gone and you’re like “i don’t know if i took enough pictures-”

and ken’s just like “if you ever need to cuddle into my chest again, feel free. i’d hold you but both my arms are broken and-”

and you’re like “don’t make me break your arms AGAIN”

,,,,,,,,,but at the same time like it wasn’t ALL that bad,,,,,

Leo & Hyuk

leo is the veteran detective who has seen it all and is overworked and tired, while hyuk is the fresh blood detective who wants to pull his gun out every chance and go on high speed chases

and leo is supposed to mentor hyuk, but in reality hyuk doesn’t listen to a word he says

and leo has given up so he just let’s hyuk do whatever

but every now and then he has to hold himself back from knocking hyuk upside the head with a case file (sometimes he can’t hold himself and just. does it)

but hyuk always gets his revenge by replacing the sugar in leo’s morning coffee with salt

 which ends up with leo spitting the coffee all over himself and fellow policeman ravi and ken rolling on the floor laughing while hyuk runs for his life out of the precinct 

the two of them end up being assigned a case of a repeat jewel thief who has stolen from over five separate malls in the past month

and leo tells hyuk that no - he doesn’t need to bring a gun with him to the crime scene

but hyuk insists that the thief might still be there and leo is like yes, but we want the thief alive - but it’s too late hyuk is asking if the SWAT team will really show up and everyone’s like NO and he’s like “being a cop actually sucks”

so hyuk and leo show up to the last store that was robbed only a couple of hours before

and you’re still in the mall, wearing the stolen bracelet and watching from afar as the police scatter trying to figure out how you broke in and all that

and you just think it’s really funny,,,how hard they try and how they never get anywhere

 but you don’t notice the two new policeman, but hyuk nudges leo and shifts his eyes toward you - the sparkling bracelet on your arm only visible for a moment before it gets hidden by your jackets sleeve again

and hyuk and leo silently make an agreement,,,,but as always leo goes through with the plan hiding behind a pillar while hyuk,,,,,,,

hyuk decides that leo can go screw himself and runs straight toward you, going “hands up!”

and you, well hello you’re a thief, you get up quickly and push a trashcan over towards hyuk as you make your escape

and hyuk trip and leo screams at him for being an idiot as he chases after you

and so if leo catches you, he manages to corner you in a stairwell where the door you’ve reached is blocked

and you’re like,,,,,,,,,, trying to pretend that someone planted to bracelet on you after the robbery

but leo is watching you with narrowed eyes so you know he doesn’t believe you so you’re like “ok, fine. arrest me.” and leo does put you in handcuffs but he’s like “tell me how you managed to rob the store” and you just grin and shake your head like “uh-uh you can’t get me to talk, uncuff me and i will.”

and leo’s too seasoned of a policeman to know you’ll just sock him and run for it so instead he uncuffs one and cuffs the other to his own arm and he’s like “there, you’re practically free.” and you’re like lmao you call this free??

and he’s like “im not an idiot, but if you want both hands behind your bac-”

and you’re like fine whatever let’s walk out like this - but as leo takes a step forward you yank the cuffs and he teeters backwards with you and as he falls, you fall ontop of him

and leo is close to your face and you’re like “oops~ i didn’t mean it~” and he just,,,,well you’re close and you’re not exactly,,,,,bad to look at 

plus you’re pressed up against him and he’s like “get off” and you take a moment before you do and you don’t hesitate to notice how red he’s gone in the face

but then you also, very easily undo your cuff with the key you stole from his backpocket when you made him fall

and leo doesn’t see until he hears the ‘clink’ of the cuffs unlocking and he looks down but you’re already dashing up the stairs and laughing and you’re like

“i hope we see each other again officer-  i also left a giiiiiiiift~”

and leo is too stunned and angry, but he looks down at his wrist and sees that you slipped the bracelet onto his cuffed hand as well and he’s like HOW THE HELL

but all he’s left with is your laughters echo

and if hyuk catches you it’s because he’s still faster and more agile than you and ends up tackling you to the floor before you can escape

and as he’s arresting you, leo appears and hyuk just sticks out his tongue like he’s five like “hehe hyung i got them and you didn’t because your old and can’t run~~~” and leo is like shut it boy

back at the station hyuk and leo are questioning you about the other robberies and you’re like not interested in anything leo is saying

instead you keep making eyes at hyuk

and hyuk is kinda like,,,,,,what,,,,,because he’s oblivious until you’re like “id like to speak to officer hyuk. alone.”

and leo says something under his voice but leaves and hyuk sits down and is like “are you going to tell me how you did it?”

and you’re innocently like “did what? by the way are you single?”

and hyuk snorts like “huh, no!” and you can tell he’s lying 

because he’s still pretty young and the way you’re looking at him gets him a bit ,,,,,,hot under the collar if i may say

and you like lean over the table as much as you can and you’re like 

“officer hyuk, you’re cute. i think i know what i want to rob next.”

and hyuk is like “ah-aha! so you admit it, you did rob those places?”

and you just smile and bring your face a bit closer and you’re like

“can’t you uncuff me?~ it hurts~”

and hyuk is like “i,,,,,i can’t do that but if you sit down-”

and you’re like “i don’t want to~ i want to be closer to you.”

and hyuk swallows because,,,ok,,,,,your eyes are,,,,,,so,,,,pretty,,,but no you’re a thief. he just needs your confession

and so again he’s like “what do you mean when you say you know what you’re going to rob next?”

and you just giggle and hyuk has to fan himself because wow was your shirt this lowcut when they brought you in?

and you pull back slowly as if you’re going to sit

but then you stop and lean back in and you’re like

“i don’t steal jewelry or whatever. i only steal boys hearts~ and you’re next officer hyuk -”

and you tilt your head as if you’re going to lean up for a kiss 

and hyuk is sweating now but he pulls back and is like,,,,,,,, “officer leo will handle it from here!”

and he runs out with his hand over his mouth because,,,,,,goddammit you’re a criminal but why are you so ,,,,,,,,,,,, enticing,,,,,

Ravi 

really clumsy and easily emotional policeman who can’t work cases like murder or kidnapping because ok he’ll cry at literally anything

but it’s ok!! he doesn’t mind doing the usual responding to cats stuck in trees or loose grandmas wandering the park calls

and he’ll try to help anyone out with any problem - big or small

even though he looks intimidating and though, the whole tattoos and bright hair

he’s actual a soft guy at heart 

and some of the other policemen make fun of him a bit, but for the most part people tend to take care of him at the station because he has the best intentions 

you come in one day with your friends who is terrified because their little brother didn’t come in from school yet and it’s been two hours

and while every other policeman rushes past you and tells you to wait a moment, policeman ravi immediately pulls you both aside and asks what happened

and your friend barely manages to say something before she’s in tears, so you explain for her 

and ravi scribbles down some notes and nods along and he’s like ‘ok, let’s go to her brothers school first.’ 

and your friend wants to come, but she’s in hysterics so you tell her to wait at the station while you and policeman ravi investigate

and as you’re leaving you’re like “are you sure there’s nothing important you’re bust wi-”

and ravi waves his hand like no- there’s nothing more important than a a missing child 

and you nod because he’s right, but also like,,,,,,,are cops usually this kind??

but yeah the both of you show up at the school that says your friends brother left by himself hours ago when classes ended

and you decide there’s only two places he hangs out - the park or library so you try the library

and ravi almost turns the whole place over, even manages to knock down a display of books as he looks for the kid

and he’s so devoted that watching him makes you work even harder too

and so it’s a no in the library so you two split up to search the park when you reach it

and when you meet up ,,,,,, you light up because ravi is there,,,,, holding your friends kid brother on his shoulders 

and you’re like you found him!!!

and ravi is like “i did!! he was hiding on the playground, but i let him play with my badge and he agreed to come out!!”

and you’re like oh thank god, it’s good he’s safe!!

and you three head back to the station where you friend jumps up when she sees her brother and she’s like @ policeman ravi like how do i ever thank you

and she reaches up to kiss his cheek and ravi is like !!!! oh

but he just touches the skin and smile shyly

and you like look around but then lean up and kiss his cheek as well except this time ravi turns a bright BRIGHT red

and is like “t-t-thank you???” and you’re like no no thank you !!!! and he’s like ,,,,,still blushing

and then you remember to get the badge back from the little boy and you pin it back onto ravi’s lapel

and as you’re pinning it on he’s like “i could get used to this,,,,,”

and you’re like “,,,,hmm????”

and ravi is like OH NOTHING I SAID NOTHING

but his face betrays his feelings and you 

plus the entire damn world knows that 

Hongbin

undercover detective 

everyone believes anything he says because well,,,,look at him,,,,,could a face like that lie to you???

the answer is yes it could hongbin is not only a good detective but also a very good actor

was asked to pose as a bartender at a club where the police believed there was illegal drug activity and he’s been doing it for a couple of months now that all the regulars have become pretty well acquainted with him

is the heartthrob of the station he works at and,,,,,at the bar he works out

basically anywhere he goes people are bound to find him attractive and therefore he’s always the “most popular” on holidays

from gifts from fellow detective to gifts from the shady people who think he’s just a simple bartender

the other detectives have a joke about how hongbin won’t even need to call a bust, one of the suppliers will just gift him the drugs one day

you’re also a detective, set to go undercover with hongbin just as extra security measure 

and you’re supposed to just be like another regular who comes by the bar for drinks and stays at the end of the bar where if hongbin comes over to whisper something only you two can hear

but for the most part you don’t interact as to not bring up suspicion

until one night you and hongbin are both minding your own business, doing your jobs separately 

when one of the suspected drug dealers sits next to you and starts being unnecessarily touchy

and you’re a detective, you know how to handle this so you just reply calmly to his advances and say you need to step out for a moment

and hongbin notices and watches from the corner of his eye as you leave,,,,,,but then the guy follows you

and hongbin has always gotten a bad read on this guy but he knows he shouldn’t leave his post or he could blow his cover

,,,,but also you’re a fellow detective to he makes up some excuse about taking out the trash

and he goes outback to see the guy has pinned you to the wall and he’s about to pull him off when you push the guy off with your foot and knock him unconscious with one swing to the cheek

and as he like blacks out on the floor hongbin is like “,,,,,,,you,,,,i was worried about you but,,,,,,i guess for no reason”

and you just smile and shrug and you’re like “it’s fine, good to know you have my back - but you could have given us both away.”

and hongbin gets a bit red and he’s like youRE RIGHT but you know,,,a fellow detectives safety is much more important,,,,,

and you’re like that’s so sweet but go back in before they get suspicious

and hongbin nods as you like squat down next to the guy you knocked out and check his pulse to see if he’s alive

and hongbin inside is like,,,,,wow,,,,they’re,,,,,,,really strong about you

and tbh he can’t stop thinking about you even though they take you off the case because you did knock out one of the suspected dealers so you  can’t show yourself in that bar

but when the bust happens, hongbin is glad to see that you’re on the task force

and you two help bring down the drug smuggling business in a police raid

but as you’re hauling away all the guys the one who’d tried to hurt you calls you a choice name as you’re handcuffing him and hongbin out of nowhere ‘accidentally’ knocks his elbow into the guy’s face and you’re like

???????

and hongbin, whose never been super confrontational is like,,,,,,, “sorry, i still feel kind of bad about that night from before”

and you’re giggling like ,,,,,ok cute,,,,,don’t worry though we won in the end!!!

and hongbin is like yeah!!!! and it’s cute you’re both like kinda smiling to yourselves

but you end up smiling even more when you find out your next undercover job involves the two of you ‘pretending’ to be lovers and well,,,,,,you know,,,,,,,pretend might end up being something more hehe,,,,,

[athenatothejane]

The Art of Waiting: “A Werewolf Boy” Movie Review

               I’m not really that into movies. Yes I do love them but I’m not one of those persons who search and wait for new movies to come out – well, except for a few Korean movies. In fact, most of the movies I’ve seen were already shown years before. However, when I do get the chance to watch a movie, I get really hooked to it. I get involved to it too much and I have this withdrawal syndrome. Because I still can’t get over it, I look for its behind-the-scene clips, the soundtracks used and the interviews. And what I frequently do whenever I encounter a good movie is I watch it again. As I continue to watch it again and again, I discover some details I haven’t noticed the first time I watched it.

              One of the movies that I will never get tired of watching again and again is the Korean movie, A Werewolf Boy (2011). I watched it a couple of times already last year and recently, I decided to watch it again. As usual, it never fails to make me bawl like a baby. That is why I already prepared a box of tissues beforehand. When the title “A Werewolf Boy” comes to mind, most people would think it would be action-packed or the character would be more like Jacob in the Twilight movie- rough in the edges just like what a stereotypical werewolf character would be. However, this movie exceeded my expectations. It was a movie that was so warm, so pure and so heartbreaking. The movie was magnificent at opting a quiet yet emotional approach to its audience. That is why to deal with my “feels” tonight, I am going to mention some details that I noticed and loved.

[ NOTE: SPOILERS AHEAD. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. ]

PLOT

The story was set in South Korea years ago. Sun Ni, the eldest daughter was advised to move to the countryside - with less smoke, less car exhaust and fresher air, due to her lung ailment for a fast recovery. The house where she, together with her mother and little sister, resided was provided by the son of his late father’s business partner, Ji Tae, who also had his eyes on Sun Ni. As they were tidying up the house as well as their things, Sun Ni made a stunning discovery. She found a wild boy locked in the barn near their house. They took him as an orphan who lost his parents during the war. Having no social skills, speaking ability or even a tiny bit of information about him, they were forced to take him in and take care of him for the meanwhile. As time passed by, a beautiful relationship was developed and she was able to uncover the secrets and mysteries behind this peculiar boy.

CONFLICTS AND RESOLUTIONS

The movie certainly had minor conflicts like the forced marriage between Sun Ni and Ji Tae, the negligence of the authority when Sun Ni’s mother asked for help, but the main one was about Chul Soo’s unknown identity and his soon-to-be-revealed secret. The resolution that the main female character came up when Chul Soo’s safety was in the borderline was very heartbreaking. It was probably what she thought was the best thing to do that time. Thankfully, there weren’t a lot of predictable moments. Well except for the fact that I knew Sun Ni and Chul Soo were bound to have that very deep relationship at some point.

SONG JOONG KI AS CHUL SOO

             Recently, Song Joong Ki was widely loved as Captain Yoo in Descendants of the Sun – adding to his numerous remarkable roles. And I can say that his character in this movie is one of his best performances yet. With barely having any lines in this movie, Song Joong Ki surely portrayed his character perfectly. Chul Soo, the main character of the movie, cannot speak - well, at the beginning. For most of the film, the audience gets to know Chul-soo only by his actions, expressions, and his wordless interactions with the other characters.  He’s not that typical werewolf that conforms to the stereotype of such a being. He’s different from the werewolves you see in Twilight or X-Men. And I assure you, you just can’t help but to fall in love with Chul Soo. That is why, his thoughts and emotions were purely shown through just his body language and expressive gaze. From moments of confusion to amazement, from happiness to sadness, I never had that moment wherein I was unsure of what Chul Soo felt; as well as his thoughts. His facial expressions, mannerisms and gestures were definitely on point. And when he got to actually say a few lines, he made it count. It had great impact and honestly, it was one of the few moments I really loved and cried to. This just shows how amazing as an actor Song Joong Ki is.

 PARK BO YOUNG AS SUN NI

Park Bo Young always had sweet innocent roles and she was fitted for the role of Sun Ni. Her goal was to finish studying through homeschooling and be able to go to college. Although Sun Ni was quite unlikeable from the start since she displayed this dislike towards living. She always had that I-hate-this-world attitude. When Chul Soo first came, she expressed strong dislike towards him. Neither did she know, that Chul Soo and her would share such a deep connection. I liked the fact that Sun Ni showed changes when Chul Soo appeared. It just shows how great an impact Chul Soo is to her. She was that mean girl who was stuck in a predicament due to her illness but deep inside, she was that misunderstood girl who always wanted to laugh and have fun again; as well as, be able to have the strength to overcome the obstacles life has given to her.

CHEMISTRY BETWEEN THE CHARACTERS

             The development of the bond between the two main characters was stupefying. Of course, their relationship didn’t have a smooth start. However, as the story continued, it showed a beautiful relationship between the two – pure, warm, deep and powerful, such that words are barely needed. It was a kind of bond that transcended language. Despite their differences, both of them showed unconditional acceptance towards one another which later gives rise to the desire to protect one another, even with the expense of one’s own safety, all without explanation. It just showed how pure and raw this relationship is. My favorite moments were definitely their interactions- though wordless but would definitely pull your heartstrings. It was the one that caused me to go “Awww “almost half the movie. 

TOPICS

There were different topics discussed, though some were just subtly touched.These are some that I noticed. 

As I’ve said earlier, there was a part in the movie where the authority was passing Sun Ni’s mother to each other when asked about Chul Soo’s case. One officer told Sun Ni’s mother that there would be an easy way and that it would require something. What else? Of course, money. The corruption of the society was subtly shown in this movie. 

Later in the movie, it was revealed that Chul Soo was illegally experimented, explain his supernatural abilities. When his existence was discovered, the government sent an officer to eliminate any trace of him to protect the government from compensating any loss or taking responsibility because of what happened. Since the one that experimented on him actually had the intention of creating an army with extraordinary strength and undying loyalty that would serve for the country.

When Chul Soo was tricked by Ji Tae. Everybody also easily pointed fingers on Chul Soo. Just because Chul Soo can’t speak for himself and is too naive to do so. It was taken advantage by Ji Tae so that he could fulfill his own goals and intentions.

Chul Soo’s genuine loyalty towards Sun Ni was promising. I think one thing we could get from this movie is the unconditional love and loyalty Chul Soo gave to Sun Ni. It was pure and genuinely from the heart. 

SETTING

The movie was set at the countryside in South Korea 47 years ago. It was a small neighborhood with only one couple, a grandmother with his grandchildren and a woman. The house Sun Ni lived in was actually similar of that of a horror movie but the coloring of the video was the one that made it less scary and more light-hearted. I could say that it was a sweet story in a horror-like setting - in terms of place. The field where the children always played where beautiful though; as well as the forest, where Sun Ni and Chul Soo hid from the police.

GIDARYEO! -- WAIT!

If this movie had a catchphrase, it would be “Wait!”. Sun Ni ”trained” Chul Soo with the use of this word. It was actually adorable whenever Chul Soo would automatically stop at the sound of Sun Ni’s voice saying this phrase. Sun Ni is able to control Chul Soo just by the mention of this single word - from eating properly at the table to preventing him to kill a person caused by his impulsiveness.

CINEMATOGRAPHY, COLORING, VISUALS, SOUNDTRACK

             This movie certainly had beautiful cinematography. Its coloring provided a warm, sweet, dreamy, melancholic and nostalgic feeling which is understandable since the main story happened decades ago. It was set on a rural area in South Korea 47 years ago. The color tone of the movie amplified the innocence shown by the main characters in this movie.The touch of sunlight added a pizazz on the scenes. I really liked it. It had moody visuals. Personally, I am really particular of the coloring of the movie since it really affect how the movie is perceived by the audience. 

I admit that at the start, it had that horror feeling due to the continuous zooming scene of a door without music so I thought this movie fit in that category. However when the music came and the scenes of an old woman appeared, I was proven wrong. It never tipped over into horror even with Ji Tae’s (Yoo Yeon Suk) terrible hair and fashion sense.

             It also had simple background music which suited the simple way of the movie in delivering the characters emotions. It had that reoccurring tune [SONG: MY PRINCE] that played whenever special moments happened which amplified the feelings portrayed by the characters which causes the audience to unknowingly be attached to that tune and be moved whenever it plays. The song perfectly fit with the sweet as well as the sad moments.

 NOTABLE MOMENTS IN THE MOVIE

Sun Ni found a way to eat together with Chul Soo, who always ate all of the food on the table, by training him like how dogs are trained. She got this idea from a book she found while unpacking in their new house. She commanded him to not eat the potato when she says “Wait”. After a couple of tries, she finally got Chul Soo to wait - though at the expense of a bitten hand. She then proceeded to give him a pat on the head as a reward and Chul Soo seems to be touched by it. In fact, later in the movie it was pointed out a couple of times how Chul Soo loved when Sun Ni pats him. In the scene there was a shift of focus from the potato so Sun Ni herself – just showing that Chul Soo is now far more interested in Sun Ni than the potato. In my perspective, this just shows what happens when you do a good deed or give a good treatment to a person. You get to earn that person’s good treatment to you in return.

Chul Soo gets mesmerized when Sun Ni played the guitar. It showed how sweet, pure and raw Chul Soo’s affection is towards Sun Ni. He then pat Sun Ni’s head as a reward just like what she always did for him which was such a sweet gesture. It was interrupted by a phone call regarding the stay of Chul Soo, she then quickly cuts off the call – not wanting to let Chul Soo go. By this time, we can now see how their bond grew deeper and stronger than before.

It was said during the first few minutes of the movie that Sun Ni was a lonesome teenage girl due to her sickness and the consequences of it. She used to write on her notebook which sums up to one thought – “I hate this world”. Well, that’s before Chul Soo came into her life. When that happened, she started to smile a lot more. She started laughing again and this just shows how Chul Soo’s world was not the only one that changed but as well as Sun Ni’s. They became each other’s source of happiness.

Chul Soo patiently waited outside the door for Sun Ni to come out and when she does, an enlightened Chul Soo appeared. Sun Ni also smiled but tried to hide it. He then continued to follow her up until her room and slept at the doorstep of Sun Ni’s room. This just shows how attached Chul Soo has become to Sun Ni. Later in the movie, it was actually explained that one of the traits a wolf has is complete loyalty that lasts an eternity.

Sun Ni was threatened by Ji Tae and Chul Soo was secretly watching it. In order to protect Sun Ni, he transformed into his true form right in front of Sun Ni’s eyes – a werewolf. He then proceeded to fight the thugs and as he was just about to kill Ji Tae; Sun Ni, despite being shocked, managed to stop him by saying “Wait”. The moment Chul Soo heard this, he went back to his human form, looking as innocent as ever. This scene shows how Chul Soo was protective of Sun Ni and how his affection towards her has grown totally deep.

There are also many other instances when Chul Soo did every way he knows to protect Sun Ni. Chul Soo has now become Sun Ni’s savior. And Sun Ni has now become Chul Soo’s number one priority.

Sun Ni was about to go for a check-up after collapsing when she and Chul Soo raced on the hill. Before going, she decided to see Chul Soo and wanting to badly see Sun Ni again, he tried pushing his way out his prison; but Sun Ni told him to wait. And just like any other instances before, he again stopped using brute force, obeying Sun Ni.

This implies that Chul Soo is continuously waiting for Sun Ni to come back after he was locked in the barn again after the incident with Sun Ni happened. Just like what Sun Ni said, he continued to wait. Even postponing other activities like eating for there was only one goal in his mind - to wait for Sun Ni’s arrival.

Sun Ni returned from her check-up and it is evident how the both of them missed each other’s company. Chul Soo’s affection for Sun Ni was shown once again by how he missed her. Just like what the researcher said, he may lack some skills but he has the capability and willingness to learn – for Sun Ni.

We tend to believe what we want to believe. But Chul Soo believed everything he was told.

Chul Soo was misunderstood for breaking into houses with a bad intention but he only did it because he was provoked by Ji Tae. Ji Tae told Chul Soo that Sun Ni’s health was going worse for she is unable to play her guitar and sing and she may eventually die. He continued that Sun Ni hated Chul Soo and that maybe when he get her guitar back which is at the house of Mr. Jeong, their neighbor, she might like him a bit. As innocent as he is, he believed Ji Tae’s lies. People in their neighborhood became scared of him. He thought that he was there to steal their things for he searched their houses when all he really wanted was to find the guitar. The fear of being hated by Sun Ni is evident in his face and this is what drove him to go beyond his boundaries.

This scene was especially my favorite from this movie. And this was the scene where I cried my eyes out. It was when the Chul Soo’s first word was uttered. The people who were planning to kill Chul Soo were already in the woods. Sun Ni begs him to hide but Chul Soo continues to follow her. This led Sun Ni to push Chul Soo away – if that’s the only way that he won’t be killed. She shouts at him, “Go. Ger lost! I hate you so get lost!” It was when Chul Soo plead Sun Ni to not go by uttering his first word ever: “Kajima” (Don’t go.) The only thing Chul Soo was able to do was watch Sun Ni’s back as it continues to disappear in the woods. It was heartbreaking how Sun Ni was trying to push Chul Soo away at all means - while saying sorry in between while crying hard and even slapping him and throwing a rock at him. It actually hurts her more than it hurts him.

I thinks this was the part when half of my tissues were consumed. This scene will surely make you cry like a baby even when you’re already a grown man. Even after almost 5 decades, Chul Soo still waited for Sun Ni because of what Sun Ni wrote before they left the house. This scene was the epitome of how loyal and devoted Chul Soo is to Sun Ni.

Chul Soo definitely deserved a hundred times of strokes of his hair from Sun Ni after having to patiently wait for 47 years for her arrival. The tune plays in the background as I continue to stop the snot from running down my nose.

In actual time, Sun Ni is already an old woman but in the movie, it was her younger self that appeared to Chul Soo. This is because Chul Soo’s time stopped when Sun Ni left. He was stuck in the time when Sun Ni and him were still together. It was what kept him going – hoping that Sun Ni would return again just like she used to before. They got their moment - suspended in time. It was when things return to the way it used to be - what they felt and where they were originally before.

Sun Ni leaves the house and refuses to sell it. As their car leaves, Chul Soo stares at them hopelessly. Honestly, I was a little enraged in this part of movie. Yes she did come back but she left again. Sun Ni can’t just leave like that after returning after 47 years. That’s just heartless. I don’t think there was a proper goodbye between the two. Even though she told Chul Soo that his waiting was over, that doesn’t resolve his loneliness and longing for her for the times when she was gone. “How could she leave him afterwards? Seriously, why would she leave him?” - these were my thoughts as I watched this particular scene.

The ending scene showed Chul Soo making the snowman on the top of the hill fulfilling his promise to Sun Ni. This is how pure and clean Chul Soo’s heart is.

I honestly felt bad for Chul Soo. What was he supposed to do next? Maybe he would continue to wait for her again – for as long as he lives. Sun Ni didn’t get to even play the guitar he barely put together. This movie showed the innocence, pureness, loyalty, faithfulness and compassion of Chul Soo’s heart. The thing I liked about this movie was its simple yet impactful way of delivering the emotions shown by the characters. The ending was bittersweet and somewhat tragic but despite it, I still loved the movie. This was the kind of ending that sticks to you and stays there. One thing is for sure, when you watch this movie, you’re up for an emotional rollercoaster ride.

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Last week, we motorcycled via northwest Colorado, and also in a day traveled the width and breadth of Rio Blanco Area and back, probably close to 200 miles, on our method from Glenwood Springs to Dinosaur National Monolith.

We appreciated our journeys, primarily along the White River and afterwards Piceance Creek, stopping and also spending cash in Meeker and also Rangely.

We put on masks, ’cause, hi, we aren’t idiots, familiar with the scientific research and also risks. The same factor we used safety helmets, gloves and protective equipment on the bike. And inspected the problem of the bike and its tires day-to-day. It’s why I practice panic quits as well as high and also low-speed maneuvers. At all times. It’s fundamental threat mitigation. It’s not run the risk of aversion– we seldom complied with the speed restrictions, and sometimes touched 100 mph on the county’s deserted two-lane roads. And also considering we had a quite close elk encounter in Dinosaur, this travel has actual threat.

We stopped in Meeker for coffee– a place called Wendll’s. We had lunch at the Main Road Coffee House in Rangely. We looked, but couldn’t find comfy exterior eating in Rangely. In neither establishment were staff members or customers using masks– a clear violation of the State of Colorado’s public health order. Provided Rio Blanco’s current COVID19 case count, (Rio Blanco has 6 confirmed instances to day) this wasn’t ridiculous. However it was akin to riding in Colorado’s mountains without a helmet. A little bit dumb. And on the incorrect day, at the incorrect time, in the wrong area, deadly silly. And we wore masks, knowing that we were one of the most likely vector of the condition in Meeker as well as Rangely. We were one of the most likely awesomes.

Upon our return, we have actually seen the Constable of Rio Blanco Region with this bit of non-sense: “The order from Guv Polis “statewide mask order” will certainly not change the method Rio Blanco Region Constable’s Workplace conducts service. We will continue to wait our objective and protect the lives and property of the people of Rio Blanco Area. We will not be “patrolling” for individuals who are out without a mask. Rio Blanco County Sheriff’s Office will certainly step up to the difficulty, as now is the time to shield as well as serve our people. We will certainly remain to be vigilant to protect our residents’ lives as well as property.” The County Sheriff, a gentleman called Anthony Mazzola, does not seem to assume COVID19 is a hazard to lives of Rio Blanco Region. Honestly, he is either an pinhead or taking part in a political stunt. The Rio Blanco Area Payment, with an outsized vision of their very own authority, went on record opposing enforcement of the mask mandate as well as assessing their (narrow) options to oppose it.

With virtually 150,000 dead Americans, the honorable chosen authorities of Rio Blanco Area stand opposed to science, common sense, and their responsibility to the legislation and their citizens. It’s honestly a little bit unbelievable, however hey, it’s 2020. Idiocy is in ascendancy.

We will not be spending cash in Rio Blanco Region in the future, and also will do our utmost to alert others of the public wellness stupidity of the area’s chosen officials. It’s a lovely part of our nation. It’s a shame it’s led by idiots.

In our travels– individuals appear to chat up motorcyclists– multiple people seemed eager to believe without foundation upon the effectiveness of putting on masks. I felt bad that they were struggling under false information, or worse yet, accepting hazardous conspiracy concepts. I seem like the media and neighborhood leaders failed them, and also I intend that includes me.

Here’s a great run-through of a few of the science of masks and the coronavirus:

Account picture

Jeremy Howard

Last week I presented to the WHO Standards Development Group. It was targeted in the direction of transmittable illness epidemiologists, however several folks have asked me to share the presentation.

So, below’s a video clip discussion. Review the string below to see each slide.

The evidence that WHO counts on for its mask guidelines has numerous troubles. For instance, the meta-analysis they funded just has 3 non-healthcare research studies, 1 of which is incorrectly categorized, as well as among which is under-powered. None studied COVID-19.

The review had three research studies of SARS-CoV-2 in healthcare, yet greatly neglected them, by utilizing unsuitable analytical strategies. (See the tiny weights in the right-most column.).

There has actually been a study of mask putting on in homes for minimizing COVID-19 transmission, which showed around 80% reduction in transmission.

Timeless epidemiological studies can never actually tell us if masks reduce neighborhood transmission, since if I ( as an example) use a mask, how do you understand which individuals I get in touch with prevented getting sick due to me?

So we need to expand our evidence base.

We assembled a multi-disciplinary group to check out a broad proof base.

Our testimonial of the proof for masks, from 155 recommendations, is the most seen paper ever before on preprints.org. It is now being evaluated at PNAS.

> 80% of the world currently resides in regions that need masks, plus most of the United States. These means there are many natural experiments we can assess.

At some point epidemiologists assume that’s not helpful, due to the ” environmental misconception”, but there’s decades of research study on good techniques.

Leffler (@ChrisLefflerMD) et al considered nearly 200 nations, adjusted for lots of confounders. Mask usage was associated in a 5-10x decline in transmission price.

Lyu and Wehby observed the effect of mask requireds throughout US states.

We also have excellent laboratory evidence, including video clips and images directly showing a basic item of kitchen paper towel obstructing nearly all speech droplets, which are believed to be in charge of a lot of transmission.

from Michael Bennet for Colorado https://ift.tt/2ZWPsrJ

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These Celebs Are Destigmatizing Mental Illness

Many campaigns have worked to normalize the discussion around mental health (Bell Let’s Talk and CAMH’s One Brave Night among them). But one thing that really reaches the masses is when a celebrity speaks out about his or her struggle to spread the message that it’s okay to have a mental illness; it doesn’t make you weak.

Anyone who has ever suffered from depression or anxiety—whether temporary or chronic—knows the feeling of wanting to crawl into bed and stay there until things seem okay again. And somehow when these celebrities who seem to have it all come out and say that they actually don’t have their shit together, it is encouraging to us. By focusing on their health, it normalizes the conversation and gives us the courage to take care of ourselves (and be vocal about it).

Below, see the celebrities who are helping to fight the stigma against mental health by being open about their own struggles. Want to learn more about mental illness? Here are 5 myths about anxiety and depression, and information about different types of treatment.

Post Malone

In an interview with GQ Style, the Grammy nominee opened up about dealing with an unshakeable sadness from a very young age. “Middle school, I would cry myself to sleep every f**kin’ day,” he reveals. “High school, the same thing. I tried to drink some beers to get rid of that shit but it just never goes away. And I don’t think that’s anybody’s fault; it has to do with something predisposed in you.” Music has become his way of coping with these struggles, and of processing what he’s going through. “I’m trying,” he says. “It’s difficult. Through my songs, I can talk about whatever I want. But sitting here, face to face, it’s difficult.”

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"Through my songs, I can talk about whatever I want. But sitting here, face-to-face, it's difficult.”–@PostMalone Photographs by @jason_nocito_studio. Styled by @mobolajidawodu. #gqstyle #postmalone

A post shared by GQ Style (@gqstyle) on Mar 2, 2020 at 8:16am PST

Prince Harry

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Day two of #SussexRoyalTour is underway, and The Duke and Duchess have joined young South Africans and @WavesForChange to focus on mental health and take part in ‘surf therapy’. • Hundreds of young people from Cape Town’s townships meet every week at Monwabisi beach to surf, but also share stories with mentors and talk through the daily challenges they face. Their Royal Highnesses were able to hear how the sessions are building trust, confidence, and belonging, and they also got to join in as children took part in ‘power hand’, which teaches them how to keep calm down reflect on strengths. While on the beach The Duke and Duchess met @TheLunchBoxFund – which was one of the charities they nominated to benefit from donations following the birth of their son, Archie. Almost 30,000 meals are provided by the charity every day across South Africa, including for three @WavesForChange projects. And before they left The Duke and Duchess joined the Commonwealth Litter Programme (CLiP) – which was teaching the surfers about the impact of plastic waste on the ocean. #RoyalVisitSouthAfrica • Photo ©️ photos EMPICS / PA images / SussexRoyal

A post shared by The Duke and Duchess of Sussex (@sussexroyal) on Sep 24, 2019 at 5:00am PDT

The Duke of Sussex has spoken out extensively about his own mental health journey, and the trauma he suffered as a result of losing his mother, Princess Diana, at a young age. In an interview with Bryony Gordon for her podcast about mental health, Mad World, the royal said, “I can safely say that losing my mum at the age of 12, and therefore shutting down all of my emotions for the last 20 years, has had a quite serious effect on not only my personal life but my work as well.”

“I have probably been very close to a complete breakdown on numerous occasions when all sorts of grief and sort of lies and misconceptions and everything are coming to you from every angle,” he added.

After seeking out counselling and learning to open up about his struggles with friends and family, the royal co-founded Heads Together, a mental health awareness campaign, with Prince William and Kate Middleton in 2016. While on a recent trip to South Africa with Meghan Markle, the royal couple met with Waves For Change, an organization promoting mental wellbeing through surf therapy, and spoke out about the need to counter the stigma against mental illness in our society.

“I think most of the stigma is around mental illness [and] we need to separate the two… mental health, which is every single one of us, and mental illness, which could be every single one of us,” he said. “I think they need to be separated; the mental health element touches on so much of what we’re exposed to, these experiences that these kids and every single one of us have been through. Everyone has experienced trauma or likely to experience trauma at some point during their lives. We need to try, not [to] eradicate it, but to learn from previous generations so there’s not a perpetual cycle.”

Ariana Grande

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A post shared by Ariana Grande (@arianagrande) on Mar 30, 2019 at 9:57am PDT

In British Vogue’s July 2018 issue, Ariana Grande opened up on her experience with PTSD after the 2017 Manchester Arena bombing. “It’s hard to talk about because so many people have suffered such severe tremendous loss. But, yeah, it’s a real thing,” she said. “I don’t think I’ll ever know how to talk about it and not cry.”

In November 2018, the singer/songwriter dropped a single titled “thank u, next,” dedicated to all of her exes, including the late-Mac Miller (who died this past September of a drug overdose) and ex-fiancé Pete Davidson, which resulted in fans wondering who her therapist is. “Therapy has saved my life so many times,” Grande tweeted in response. “If you’re afraid to ask for help, don’t be.”

photography via instagram/@arianagrande

In an Instagram story posted on April 11, Grande shared a side-by-side image of a healthy brain and a brain affected by PTSD. She also included an image of what is allegedly her brain, which appears to show incredibly high levels of PTSD. “Not a joke,” she captioned the story. In a follow-up story, Grande posted a selfie containing the captions “life is wild,” “she’s trying her muthafukin best,” and “my brain is tired.”

Selena Gomez

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I have a lot to be thankful for this year.. My year has been the hardest yet most rewarding one yet. I've finally fought the fight of not 'being enough'. I have only wanted to reflect the love you guys have given me for years and show how important it is to take care of YOU. By grace through faith. Kindness always wins. I love you guys. God bless

A post shared by Selena Gomez (@selenagomez) on Nov 24, 2016 at 6:21pm PST

In August 2016, Selena Gomez announced that she would be taking a break from her career to deal with anxiety, depression and panic attacks associated with lupus (an autoimmune condition from which she suffers). She made a return to the spotlight in November that year at the American Music Awards, where she delivered an emotional, heartfelt speech, briefly touching on her battle with mental health issues.

“I had to stop because I had everything and I was absolutely broken inside. I kept it all together enough to where I would never let you down but I kept it too much together to where I let myself down,” she said. “If you are broken, you do not have to stay broken.”

The songstress also opened up about her issues with mental health in the April 2017 issue of Vogue (which she covered). “Tours are a really lonely place for me,” she told the magazine. “My self-esteem was shot. I was depressed, anxious. I started to have panic attacks right before getting onstage, or right after leaving the stage. Basically I felt I wasn’t good enough, wasn’t capable. I felt I wasn’t giving my fans anything, and they could see it—which, I think, was a complete distortion.”

She revealed she spent 90 days in a mental health facility in Tennessee, surrendering her cell phone and taking part in various forms of therapy. And while Gomez is the second most-followed person on Instagram, she told Vogue she no longer had it on her phone, and an assistant had her password.

“It felt like I was seeing things I didn’t want to see, like it was putting things in my head that I didn’t want to care about,” she said. “I always end up feeling like shit when I look at Instagram. Which is why I’m kind of under the radar, ghosting it a bit.”

Camila Cabello

Former Fifth Harmony member Camila Cabello made headlines in September 2016 after she left the stage early during a performance under the guise of a wardrobe malfunction. She later revealed, on Snapchat, that the cause was excessive anxiety, even tweeting, “just wanna sleep for 3 days.”

Cabello had already been open about her struggles with anxiety prior to the incident, however, telling Billboard that 2015 was a “low” for her, personally.

“I was having terrible anxiety, nonstop. My heart would beat really fast the whole day. Two hours after I woke up, I’d need a nap because my body was so hyperactive,” she recalled. “I was scared of what would happen to me, of the things my brain might tell me. I realized the stuff I thought was important isn’t worth my health. Now I write in a diary every day, work out and meditate.”

In March 2017, the Cuban-born star revealed to Latina magazine that she also deals with obsessive compulsive disorder. “It was just totally out of control,” Cabello told the magazine of her OCD. “I would wake up with a super-accelerated heartbeat and really negative, intrusive, compulsive thoughts. I was so inside my head, and I didn’t know what was happening.”

She continued, “I totally understand now, being in it, why there shouldn’t be such a stigma on mental illness, because it’s a pretty common thing for people. But you can get help. If you’re dedicated to making it better, you can—because I’m in a much better place now. I started reading books about it and it really helped a lot when I understood [the illness], and that [the thoughts I was having] weren’t real. Sometimes you have to remind yourself to slow down and take care of yourself.”

Zayn Malik

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A post shared by Zayn Malik (@zayn) on Aug 14, 2018 at 10:01pm PDT

In June 2016, former One Direction member Zayn Malik cancelled a U.K. concert due to anxiety. He made the announcement on Instagram, writing, “Unfortunately, my anxiety that has haunted me throughout the last few months has gotten the better of me. With the magnitude of the live event, I have suffered the worst anxiety of my career.”

Later that year, Malik revealed in his memoir, Pillow Talk, that panic attacks have stopped him from performing on more than one occasion. “I just couldn’t go through with it,” he wrote. “Mentally, the anxiety had won. Physically, I knew I couldn’t function. I would have to pull out.”

And while a member of his team offered to say he was sick, Malik insisted on being open about his struggle. “I was done with putting out statements that masked what was really going on. I wanted to tell the truth. Anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of; it affects millions of people every day,” he explained. “I don’t want to say I’m sick. I want to tell people what’s going on, and I’m not gonna be ashamed of what’s happening.”

Cara Delevingne

In 2016, Cara Delevingne took to Twitter to reveal she took a break from modelling due to depression. “I suffer from depression and was a model during a particularly rough patch of self hatred,” she explained. Later that year, she told Esquire she had been struggling with mental illness since she was a teen, more specifically, after she discovered her mother’s drug addiction.

“I was suicidal. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I realized how lucky and privileged I was, but all I wanted to do was die,” she told the magazine, adding a six-month break from school and medication might have helped save her life at 16.

However, Cara stopped the meds at age 18, saying “I get depressed still but I would rather learn to figure it out myself rather then be dependant on meds, ever.”

Adele

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Auckland / Mt Smart Stadium / Mar 25

A post shared by Adele (@adele) on Mar 25, 2017 at 9:41pm PDT

Despite being a 15-time Grammy winner, Adele still experiences stage fright. In March 2017, she admitted to her New Zealand concertgoers that she may never tour again, due to the ongoing issue. “Touring isn’t something I’m good at–applause makes me feel a bit vulnerable. I don’t know if I will ever tour again,” she told the audience. “I get so nervous with live performances that I’m too frightened to try anything new. It’s actually getting worse. Or it’s just not getting better, so I feel like it’s getting worse, because it should’ve gotten better by now.”

Lady Gaga

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I felt like a princess in custom @tiffanyandco made just for me for the #GoldenGlobes 🤗 The Aurora necklace was named after the Aurora Borealis as an homage to #AStarIsBorn 🌟 #TiffanyAndCo

A post shared by Lady Gaga (@ladygaga) on Jan 8, 2019 at 10:29am PST

In 2016, Lady Gaga revealed she suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) after she was raped at age 19. “I suffer from PTSD, I’ve never told anyone that before,” she said on the Today show in December 2016. “But the kindness that’s been shown to me, by doctors as well as family and friends, has really saved my life.”

More recently, Gaga opened up about her mental health struggles in a conversation with Prince William, as part of the royal’s Heads Together #oktosay series, which aims to end the stigma with the help of celebrities.

“For me, waking up every day and feeling sad and going on stage is something that is very hard to describe. There’s a lot of shame attached to mental illness. You feel like something’s wrong with you,” she told the Duke of Cambridge via FaceTime. “In my life, I go, ‘Oh my goodness, look at all these beautiful, wonderful things that I have. I should be so happy,’ but you can’t help it if, in the morning when you wake up, you are so tired, you are so sad, you are so full of anxiety and the shakes that you can barely think.”

But despite her hardships, the A Star is Born actress told William “the best thing that could come out of my mental illness was to share it with other people.”

“I feel like we are not hiding anymore, we’re starting to talk, and that’s what we need to do really,” she said.

Demi Lovato

Demi Lovato is one of the most vocal mental health awareness advocates in the biz. The former Disney star, who has battled drug and alcohol addictions, bipolar disorder, self-harm and an eating disorder for years underwent rehab in 2010 and in 2013. Now, Lovato is much healthier and is committed to ending the stigma against mental illness. In 2015, she launched the Be Vocal campaign as a way to encourage individuals struggling with mental illness to talk about what they’re going through.

“I think the more people vocalize what they’re going through—their experience or just simply educating themselves so that they can learn more about what they’re talking about—that’s going to be the key to creating a conversation about mental illness and making it more understood,” she told HuffPost. “There’s a lack of compassion for people who have mental illnesses and there’s a lot of judgment. Once you make people realize that mental illness can happen to anybody—and it’s not anybody’s fault—then I think they’ll become more understanding of what mental illness really is.”

Jennifer Lawrence

Photography by Steve Granitz/WireImage

Jennifer Lawrence opened up about her struggle with anxiety in 2013, telling Madame Figaro that she began experiencing symptoms as a preteen. “When my mother told me about my childhood, she always told me that there was like a light in me, a spark that inspired me constantly,” Lawrence told the magazine. “When I started school, the light went out. It was never known what it was, a kind of social anxiety.”

She eventually went to seek help from a therapist and turned to acting as a form of self-therapy. She also revealed to the New York Times that she manages her anxiety with the use of prescription meds.

Emma Stone

Photo by Steve Granitz/WireImage

Oscar winner Emma Stone told Rolling Stone in 2016 that she experienced bouts of anxiety and panic attacks as a child. “My anxiety was constant,” she said. “I would ask my mom a hundred times how the day was gonna lay out. What time was she gonna drop me off? Where was she gonna be? What would happen at lunch? Feeling nauseous. At a certain point, I couldn’t go to friends’ houses anymore–I could barely get out the door to school.”

She did reveal, however, that therapy and acting, specifically improv and sketch comedy, is what helped her work through it. “You have to be present in improv, and that’s the antithesis of anxiety,” she explained.

Chrissy Teigen

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My stoop buddy

A post shared by chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) on Apr 29, 2017 at 6:47pm PDT

Chrissy Teigen is never one to hold back, but she shocked fans when she penned an essay for Glamour in 2017 on her struggle with postpartum depression. “I couldn’t figure out why I was so unhappy. I blamed it on being tired and possibly growing out of the role: ‘Maybe I’m just not a goofy person anymore. Maybe I’m just supposed to be a mom,'” she wrote, later adding “postpartum does not discriminate.”

Months later, Teigen finally saw her family doctor, where she got her diagnosis. She began taking antidepressants. “I’m speaking up now because I want people to know it can happen to anybody and I don’t want people who have it to feel embarrassed or to feel alone. I also don’t want to pretend like I know everything about postpartum depression, because it can be different for everybody. But one thing I do know is that—for me—just merely being open about it helps.”

Troian Bellisario

In November 2016, Pretty Little Liars star Troian Bellisario revealed via a voting PSA that she struggled with an eating disorder when she was younger. She said it was early detection and mental healthcare that saved her. “If I had just been shunned to the side as not having ‘real problems’, I don’t know that I would be living today,” she explained. “I just want to make sure that everybody has the same opportunity for treatment that I have, and I think that we have to make sure that our government invests in those programs.”

Troian shared her story on her struggles with anorexia in her film Feed, which she wrote and directed. “It was not easy; it was like engaging with an addiction,” she told Interview magazine of revisiting her story, adding that working on the film was “like poking a sleeping dragon.” “One of the things I really wanted the film to explore was that once you have this relationship, once you have this mental illness or this disease, it never really goes away.”

And just like many others who suffer from mental illness, Bellisario said she feels like no one truly understands what she went through. “Still to this day, I couldn’t get anyone—even the people who loved me the most, even my boyfriend or my mother or my father—to understand what that experience was truly like for me,” she said. “It was about my eating disorder, and I found there were so many people who thought that it was about losing weight or being skinny, and I couldn’t quite get them to understand that it was about control on a very, very literal level.”

Gina Rodriguez

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One year after the devastation of Hurricane Maria, there is still work to be done. Thank you @ricky_martin for giving us all an opportunity to continue to contribute to the reconstruction of our beautiful island of Puerto Rico. #allin4pr #miislabonita ❤️🙌🏽 link in bio 🇵🇷🇵🇷🇵🇷

A post shared by Gina Rodriguez-LoCicero (@hereisgina) on Oct 26, 2018 at 4:12pm PDT

Jane the Virgin star Gina Rodriguez got candid about her struggle with anxiety in a moving Instagram post. “I suffer from anxiety,” she captioned the video, which sees her makeup-free in a New York Yankees cap. “And watching this clip I could see how anxious I was but I empathize with myself. I wanted to protect her and tell her it’s ok to be anxious, there is nothing different or strange about having anxiety and I will prevail.”

Shawn Mendes

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Je t’aime France ! 🇫🇷 x

A post shared by Shawn Mendes (@shawnmendes) on Nov 10, 2018 at 2:31pm PST

It may be hard to believe that Canada’s very own heartthrob has had his fair share of anxious episodes, but he has. In April 2018, the singer-songwriter told The Sun in an interview that he had seen a therapist a few times. “I found I was closing myself off from everybody, thinking that would help me battle [my anxiety], then realizing the only way I was going to battle it was completely opening up and letting people in,” Mendes said.

Said anxiety was chronicled in his single “In My Blood” (Lyrics: Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in, sometimes I feel like giving up, no medicine is strong enough, someone help me.)

“All pain is temporary, and the thing is with anxiety, and why it’s such a hard thing for people who don’t have it to understand, is that it is very random and it hits you at moments you don’t expect it. Sometimes it lasts two hours, sometimes it lasts a day and sometimes it lasts five minutes,” he said.

Sarah Hyland

Back in December 2018, Sarah Hyland opened up about experiencing suicidal thoughts after her body rejected a kidney donated by her dad. The Modern Family star, who has had a slew of health problems her whole life, appeared on Ellen in early January 2019 and spoke about her depression.

“After 26, 27 years of just always being sick and being in chronic pain every single day—and [you] don’t know when you’re going to have the next good day—it’s really, really hard…” she said.

“I would write letters in my head to loved ones of why I did it, and my reasoning behind it, and how it wasn’t anybody’s fault,” the 28-year-old revealed, adding that she was “very, very, very close,” to taking her own life.

When asked how she overcame her suicidal thoughts and depression, Hyland said that she confided in a close friend (“I finally said it out loud to someone… just saying it out loud helped immensely, because I kept it to myself for months and months at a time.”) who urged her to see a therapist.

The post These Celebs Are Destigmatizing Mental Illness appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

These Celebs Are Destigmatizing Mental Illness published first on https://borboletabags.tumblr.com/

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These Celebs Are Destigmatizing Mental Illness

Many campaigns have worked to normalize the discussion around mental health (Bell Let’s Talk and CAMH’s One Brave Night among them). But one thing that really reaches the masses is when a celebrity speaks out about his or her struggle to spread the message that it’s okay to have a mental illness; it doesn’t make you weak.

Anyone who has ever suffered from depression or anxiety—whether temporary or chronic—knows the feeling of wanting to crawl into bed and stay there until things seem okay again. And somehow when these celebrities who seem to have it all come out and say that they actually don’t have their shit together, it is encouraging to us. By focusing on their health, it normalizes the conversation and gives us the courage to take care of ourselves (and be vocal about it).

Below, see the celebrities who are helping to fight the stigma against mental health by being open about their own struggles. Want to learn more about mental illness? Here are 5 myths about anxiety and depression, and information about different types of treatment.

Ariana Grande

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A post shared by Ariana Grande (@arianagrande) on Mar 30, 2019 at 9:57am PDT

In British Vogue’s July 2018 issue, Ariana Grande opened up on her experience with PTSD after the 2017 Manchester Arena bombing. “It’s hard to talk about because so many people have suffered such severe tremendous loss. But, yeah, it’s a real thing,” she said. “I don’t think I’ll ever know how to talk about it and not cry.”

In November 2018, the singer/songwriter dropped a single titled “thank u, next,” dedicated to all of her exes, including the late-Mac Miller (who died this past September of a drug overdose) and ex-fiancé Pete Davidson, which resulted in fans wondering who her therapist is. “Therapy has saved my life so many times,” Grande tweeted in response. “If you’re afraid to ask for help, don’t be.”

photography via instagram/@arianagrande

In an Instagram story posted on April 11, Grande shared a side-by-side image of a healthy brain and a brain affected by PTSD. She also included an image of what is allegedly her brain, which appears to show incredibly high levels of PTSD. “Not a joke,” she captioned the story. In a follow-up story, Grande posted a selfie containing the captions “life is wild,” “she’s trying her muthafukin best,” and “my brain is tired.”

Prince Harry

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Day two of #SussexRoyalTour is underway, and The Duke and Duchess have joined young South Africans and @WavesForChange to focus on mental health and take part in ‘surf therapy’. • Hundreds of young people from Cape Town’s townships meet every week at Monwabisi beach to surf, but also share stories with mentors and talk through the daily challenges they face. Their Royal Highnesses were able to hear how the sessions are building trust, confidence, and belonging, and they also got to join in as children took part in ‘power hand’, which teaches them how to keep calm down reflect on strengths. While on the beach The Duke and Duchess met @TheLunchBoxFund – which was one of the charities they nominated to benefit from donations following the birth of their son, Archie. Almost 30,000 meals are provided by the charity every day across South Africa, including for three @WavesForChange projects. And before they left The Duke and Duchess joined the Commonwealth Litter Programme (CLiP) – which was teaching the surfers about the impact of plastic waste on the ocean. #RoyalVisitSouthAfrica • Photo ©️ photos EMPICS / PA images / SussexRoyal

A post shared by The Duke and Duchess of Sussex (@sussexroyal) on Sep 24, 2019 at 5:00am PDT

The Duke of Sussex has spoken out extensively about his own mental health journey, and the trauma he suffered as a result of losing his mother, Princess Diana, at a young age. In an interview with Bryony Gordon for her podcast about mental health, Mad World, the royal said, “I can safely say that losing my mum at the age of 12, and therefore shutting down all of my emotions for the last 20 years, has had a quite serious effect on not only my personal life but my work as well.”

“I have probably been very close to a complete breakdown on numerous occasions when all sorts of grief and sort of lies and misconceptions and everything are coming to you from every angle,” he added.

After seeking out counselling and learning to open up about his struggles with friends and family, the royal co-founded Heads Together, a mental health awareness campaign, with Prince William and Kate Middleton in 2016. While on a recent trip to South Africa with Meghan Markle, the royal couple met with Waves For Change, an organization promoting mental wellbeing through surf therapy, and spoke out about the need to counter the stigma against mental illness in our society.

“I think most of the stigma is around mental illness [and] we need to separate the two… mental health, which is every single one of us, and mental illness, which could be every single one of us,” he said. “I think they need to be separated; the mental health element touches on so much of what we’re exposed to, these experiences that these kids and every single one of us have been through. Everyone has experienced trauma or likely to experience trauma at some point during their lives. We need to try, not [to] eradicate it, but to learn from previous generations so there’s not a perpetual cycle.”

Selena Gomez

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I have a lot to be thankful for this year.. My year has been the hardest yet most rewarding one yet. I've finally fought the fight of not 'being enough'. I have only wanted to reflect the love you guys have given me for years and show how important it is to take care of YOU. By grace through faith. Kindness always wins. I love you guys. God bless

A post shared by Selena Gomez (@selenagomez) on Nov 24, 2016 at 6:21pm PST

In August 2016, Selena Gomez announced that she would be taking a break from her career to deal with anxiety, depression and panic attacks associated with lupus (an autoimmune condition from which she suffers). She made a return to the spotlight in November that year at the American Music Awards, where she delivered an emotional, heartfelt speech, briefly touching on her battle with mental health issues.

“I had to stop because I had everything and I was absolutely broken inside. I kept it all together enough to where I would never let you down but I kept it too much together to where I let myself down,” she said. “If you are broken, you do not have to stay broken.”

The songstress also opened up about her issues with mental health in the April 2017 issue of Vogue (which she covered). “Tours are a really lonely place for me,” she told the magazine. “My self-esteem was shot. I was depressed, anxious. I started to have panic attacks right before getting onstage, or right after leaving the stage. Basically I felt I wasn’t good enough, wasn’t capable. I felt I wasn’t giving my fans anything, and they could see it—which, I think, was a complete distortion.”

She revealed she spent 90 days in a mental health facility in Tennessee, surrendering her cell phone and taking part in various forms of therapy. And while Gomez is the second most-followed person on Instagram, she told Vogue she no longer had it on her phone, and an assistant had her password.

“It felt like I was seeing things I didn’t want to see, like it was putting things in my head that I didn’t want to care about,” she said. “I always end up feeling like shit when I look at Instagram. Which is why I’m kind of under the radar, ghosting it a bit.”

Camila Cabello

Former Fifth Harmony member Camila Cabello made headlines in September 2016 after she left the stage early during a performance under the guise of a wardrobe malfunction. She later revealed, on Snapchat, that the cause was excessive anxiety, even tweeting, “just wanna sleep for 3 days.”

Cabello had already been open about her struggles with anxiety prior to the incident, however, telling Billboard that 2015 was a “low” for her, personally.

“I was having terrible anxiety, nonstop. My heart would beat really fast the whole day. Two hours after I woke up, I’d need a nap because my body was so hyperactive,” she recalled. “I was scared of what would happen to me, of the things my brain might tell me. I realized the stuff I thought was important isn’t worth my health. Now I write in a diary every day, work out and meditate.”

In March 2017, the Cuban-born star revealed to Latina magazine that she also deals with obsessive compulsive disorder. “It was just totally out of control,” Cabello told the magazine of her OCD. “I would wake up with a super-accelerated heartbeat and really negative, intrusive, compulsive thoughts. I was so inside my head, and I didn’t know what was happening.”

She continued, “I totally understand now, being in it, why there shouldn’t be such a stigma on mental illness, because it’s a pretty common thing for people. But you can get help. If you’re dedicated to making it better, you can—because I’m in a much better place now. I started reading books about it and it really helped a lot when I understood [the illness], and that [the thoughts I was having] weren’t real. Sometimes you have to remind yourself to slow down and take care of yourself.”

Zayn Malik

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A post shared by Zayn Malik (@zayn) on Aug 14, 2018 at 10:01pm PDT

In June 2016, former One Direction member Zayn Malik cancelled a U.K. concert due to anxiety. He made the announcement on Instagram, writing, “Unfortunately, my anxiety that has haunted me throughout the last few months has gotten the better of me. With the magnitude of the live event, I have suffered the worst anxiety of my career.”

Later that year, Malik revealed in his memoir, Pillow Talk, that panic attacks have stopped him from performing on more than one occasion. “I just couldn’t go through with it,” he wrote. “Mentally, the anxiety had won. Physically, I knew I couldn’t function. I would have to pull out.”

And while a member of his team offered to say he was sick, Malik insisted on being open about his struggle. “I was done with putting out statements that masked what was really going on. I wanted to tell the truth. Anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of; it affects millions of people every day,” he explained. “I don��t want to say I’m sick. I want to tell people what’s going on, and I’m not gonna be ashamed of what’s happening.”

Cara Delevingne

In 2016, Cara Delevingne took to Twitter to reveal she took a break from modelling due to depression. “I suffer from depression and was a model during a particularly rough patch of self hatred,” she explained. Later that year, she told Esquire she had been struggling with mental illness since she was a teen, more specifically, after she discovered her mother’s drug addiction.

“I was suicidal. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I realized how lucky and privileged I was, but all I wanted to do was die,” she told the magazine, adding a six-month break from school and medication might have helped save her life at 16.

However, Cara stopped the meds at age 18, saying “I get depressed still but I would rather learn to figure it out myself rather then be dependant on meds, ever.”

Adele

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Auckland / Mt Smart Stadium / Mar 25

A post shared by Adele (@adele) on Mar 25, 2017 at 9:41pm PDT

Despite being a 15-time Grammy winner, Adele still experiences stage fright. In March 2017, she admitted to her New Zealand concertgoers that she may never tour again, due to the ongoing issue. “Touring isn’t something I’m good at–applause makes me feel a bit vulnerable. I don’t know if I will ever tour again,” she told the audience. “I get so nervous with live performances that I’m too frightened to try anything new. It’s actually getting worse. Or it’s just not getting better, so I feel like it’s getting worse, because it should’ve gotten better by now.”

Lady Gaga

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I felt like a princess in custom @tiffanyandco made just for me for the #GoldenGlobes 🤗 The Aurora necklace was named after the Aurora Borealis as an homage to #AStarIsBorn 🌟 #TiffanyAndCo

A post shared by Lady Gaga (@ladygaga) on Jan 8, 2019 at 10:29am PST

In 2016, Lady Gaga revealed she suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) after she was raped at age 19. “I suffer from PTSD, I’ve never told anyone that before,” she said on the Today show in December 2016. “But the kindness that’s been shown to me, by doctors as well as family and friends, has really saved my life.”

More recently, Gaga opened up about her mental health struggles in a conversation with Prince William, as part of the royal’s Heads Together #oktosay series, which aims to end the stigma with the help of celebrities.

“For me, waking up every day and feeling sad and going on stage is something that is very hard to describe. There’s a lot of shame attached to mental illness. You feel like something’s wrong with you,” she told the Duke of Cambridge via FaceTime. “In my life, I go, ‘Oh my goodness, look at all these beautiful, wonderful things that I have. I should be so happy,’ but you can’t help it if, in the morning when you wake up, you are so tired, you are so sad, you are so full of anxiety and the shakes that you can barely think.”

But despite her hardships, the A Star is Born actress told William “the best thing that could come out of my mental illness was to share it with other people.”

“I feel like we are not hiding anymore, we’re starting to talk, and that’s what we need to do really,” she said.

Demi Lovato

Demi Lovato is one of the most vocal mental health awareness advocates in the biz. The former Disney star, who has battled drug and alcohol addictions, bipolar disorder, self-harm and an eating disorder for years underwent rehab in 2010 and in 2013. Now, Lovato is much healthier and is committed to ending the stigma against mental illness. In 2015, she launched the Be Vocal campaign as a way to encourage individuals struggling with mental illness to talk about what they’re going through.

“I think the more people vocalize what they’re going through—their experience or just simply educating themselves so that they can learn more about what they’re talking about—that’s going to be the key to creating a conversation about mental illness and making it more understood,” she told HuffPost. “There’s a lack of compassion for people who have mental illnesses and there’s a lot of judgment. Once you make people realize that mental illness can happen to anybody—and it’s not anybody’s fault—then I think they’ll become more understanding of what mental illness really is.”

Jennifer Lawrence

Photography by Steve Granitz/WireImage

Jennifer Lawrence opened up about her struggle with anxiety in 2013, telling Madame Figaro that she began experiencing symptoms as a preteen. “When my mother told me about my childhood, she always told me that there was like a light in me, a spark that inspired me constantly,” Lawrence told the magazine. “When I started school, the light went out. It was never known what it was, a kind of social anxiety.”

She eventually went to seek help from a therapist and turned to acting as a form of self-therapy. She also revealed to the New York Times that she manages her anxiety with the use of prescription meds.

Emma Stone

Photo by Steve Granitz/WireImage

Oscar winner Emma Stone told Rolling Stone in 2016 that she experienced bouts of anxiety and panic attacks as a child. “My anxiety was constant,” she said. “I would ask my mom a hundred times how the day was gonna lay out. What time was she gonna drop me off? Where was she gonna be? What would happen at lunch? Feeling nauseous. At a certain point, I couldn’t go to friends’ houses anymore–I could barely get out the door to school.”

She did reveal, however, that therapy and acting, specifically improv and sketch comedy, is what helped her work through it. “You have to be present in improv, and that’s the antithesis of anxiety,” she explained.

Chrissy Teigen

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My stoop buddy

A post shared by chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) on Apr 29, 2017 at 6:47pm PDT

Chrissy Teigen is never one to hold back, but she shocked fans when she penned an essay for Glamour in 2017 on her struggle with postpartum depression. “I couldn’t figure out why I was so unhappy. I blamed it on being tired and possibly growing out of the role: ‘Maybe I’m just not a goofy person anymore. Maybe I’m just supposed to be a mom,'” she wrote, later adding “postpartum does not discriminate.”

Months later, Teigen finally saw her family doctor, where she got her diagnosis. She began taking antidepressants. “I’m speaking up now because I want people to know it can happen to anybody and I don’t want people who have it to feel embarrassed or to feel alone. I also don’t want to pretend like I know everything about postpartum depression, because it can be different for everybody. But one thing I do know is that—for me—just merely being open about it helps.”

Troian Bellisario

In November 2016, Pretty Little Liars star Troian Bellisario revealed via a voting PSA that she struggled with an eating disorder when she was younger. She said it was early detection and mental healthcare that saved her. “If I had just been shunned to the side as not having ‘real problems’, I don’t know that I would be living today,” she explained. “I just want to make sure that everybody has the same opportunity for treatment that I have, and I think that we have to make sure that our government invests in those programs.”

Troian shared her story on her struggles with anorexia in her film Feed, which she wrote and directed. “It was not easy; it was like engaging with an addiction,” she told Interview magazine of revisiting her story, adding that working on the film was “like poking a sleeping dragon.” “One of the things I really wanted the film to explore was that once you have this relationship, once you have this mental illness or this disease, it never really goes away.”

And just like many others who suffer from mental illness, Bellisario said she feels like no one truly understands what she went through. “Still to this day, I couldn’t get anyone—even the people who loved me the most, even my boyfriend or my mother or my father—to understand what that experience was truly like for me,” she said. “It was about my eating disorder, and I found there were so many people who thought that it was about losing weight or being skinny, and I couldn’t quite get them to understand that it was about control on a very, very literal level.”

Gina Rodriguez

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One year after the devastation of Hurricane Maria, there is still work to be done. Thank you @ricky_martin for giving us all an opportunity to continue to contribute to the reconstruction of our beautiful island of Puerto Rico. #allin4pr #miislabonita ❤️🙌🏽 link in bio 🇵🇷🇵🇷🇵🇷

A post shared by Gina Rodriguez-LoCicero (@hereisgina) on Oct 26, 2018 at 4:12pm PDT

Jane the Virgin star Gina Rodriguez got candid about her struggle with anxiety in a moving Instagram post. “I suffer from anxiety,” she captioned the video, which sees her makeup-free in a New York Yankees cap. “And watching this clip I could see how anxious I was but I empathize with myself. I wanted to protect her and tell her it’s ok to be anxious, there is nothing different or strange about having anxiety and I will prevail.”

Shawn Mendes

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Je t’aime France ! 🇫🇷 x

A post shared by Shawn Mendes (@shawnmendes) on Nov 10, 2018 at 2:31pm PST

It may be hard to believe that Canada’s very own heartthrob has had his fair share of anxious episodes, but he has. In April 2018, the singer-songwriter told The Sun in an interview that he had seen a therapist a few times. “I found I was closing myself off from everybody, thinking that would help me battle [my anxiety], then realizing the only way I was going to battle it was completely opening up and letting people in,” Mendes said.

Said anxiety was chronicled in his single “In My Blood” (Lyrics: Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in, sometimes I feel like giving up, no medicine is strong enough, someone help me.)

“All pain is temporary, and the thing is with anxiety, and why it’s such a hard thing for people who don’t have it to understand, is that it is very random and it hits you at moments you don’t expect it. Sometimes it lasts two hours, sometimes it lasts a day and sometimes it lasts five minutes,” he said.

Sarah Hyland

Back in December 2018, Sarah Hyland opened up about experiencing suicidal thoughts after her body rejected a kidney donated by her dad. The Modern Family star, who has had a slew of health problems her whole life, appeared on Ellen in early January 2019 and spoke about her depression.

“After 26, 27 years of just always being sick and being in chronic pain every single day—and [you] don’t know when you’re going to have the next good day—it’s really, really hard…” she said.

“I would write letters in my head to loved ones of why I did it, and my reasoning behind it, and how it wasn’t anybody’s fault,” the 28-year-old revealed, adding that she was “very, very, very close,” to taking her own life.

When asked how she overcame her suicidal thoughts and depression, Hyland said that she confided in a close friend (“I finally said it out loud to someone… just saying it out loud helped immensely, because I kept it to myself for months and months at a time.”) who urged her to see a therapist.

The post These Celebs Are Destigmatizing Mental Illness appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

These Celebs Are Destigmatizing Mental Illness published first on https://borboletabags.tumblr.com/