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ofcowardiceandkings · 3 years

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I think you mentioned listening to podcasts? Do you have any favorites to reccommend? I've run out of content :(

that i do !

im not entirely sure what kind of podcast you'd be interested in but i'll throw out a few of the goodies in my huge library of stuff , i'll miss out a few of the HUGE podcasts that have been all over tumblr though

a LOT of it is true crime or human interest stuff , or history because im nerd ,, and a few of these dont have nearly enough attention so [shrug] i'll try to keep this short i guess lol this isnt EVERYTHING ive got in my library or listened series' by any measure

i AM gonna pop a shout to both Stuff You Missed in History Class and Stuff You Should Know from iHeartRadio because their HUGE archives have kept me from losing my mind many times over , and they cover a wide range of both important and wacky topics

BomBARDed (ongoing) this is the only fiction podcast i have happening right now really but its DAMN GOOD ONE .... it's an actual-play D&D 5E podcast in the DMs own musically-inspired world, focussed on a group of multiclass bards going to music school !! and all players (+DM) are members of the Texas band Lindby !! and they actually use and play music in the show with one original song an episode !! Kyle's worldbuilding and storycraft are truly incredible, and (Nick) Goodrich, (also Nick) Spurrier, and Ali's characters are in depth and interesting as well as an absolute powerhouse :') i actually made a piece for its first fanzine, Bardic Dreaming, which published earlier this year and is free to view now, all the players and the community are super wholesome its just very good overall 💙

History & Humans;

Fall of Civilisations (ongoing) legit one of my favourite podcast finds, im so glad my youtube autoplayed one of these ... it took me like 2 hours to realise it was 1) not the same as what was playing before and 2) had been on for 2 hours and wasnt near finished lmao. anyway, this is a series by historical fiction writer Paul Cooper, and is honest to all thats good one of the best documentary series ive encountered in years - and ive consumed a LOT of documentaries. it covered the downfall of various civilisations through history, and the episodes run from an hour to FOUR hours depending on the topic. its so chill to listen to and just get done, but over the pandemic all of the episodes have been given full movie-quality video versions too on youtube if youre more of a visual person.

Casting Lots: A Survival Cannibalism Podcast (on series break) yeah that says that lol ... its a SUPER niche topic but its very interesting and treated very well despite being kind of comical at times, the hosts are just naturally funny lol ... it delves around from the history of cannibalism in whole regions to specific incidents as recently as the 1970s, and of course the first episode is about the Donner Party, and it covers things ive never heard of despite being kind of important ?? anyway Alix and Carmella are good eggs

Sawbones (ongoing) i probably dont need to mention much here other than say that Justin and Sydnee saved me from being SO BORED sooo often, the history of medicine is wacky as hell and its what most of my history GCSE was on so [shrugs]

Cautionary Tales (on series break) this was a wild-card find lol ... it's by Tim Harford "the undercover economist" who writes for the Financial Times, and its topics kind of weave modern topics and science with how to learn from historical errors ... its a bit weird but well worth a go, also each series has a few celebrity guest voice actors which is pretty awesome

Ephemeral (ongoing) this is a very strange but thought provoking series about sounds and other things just barely saved. topics include the last castrato, the hello girls, hand-stamped records, the spread of kīkā kila music, and acoustic fossils of wild places.

Neat! The Boozecast (ongoing) history and bartending whats not to like lol ... hosted by Teylor Smirl and now their dad Tommy, they're just digging around in how important booze is to human culture

True Crime (white collar and weirdness);

Swindled (ongoing) this is an amazing show full stop. A Concerned Citizen details some of the most impactful and unruly things to happen in white collar and corporate crime. very factually accurate but given the sheer bullshit of the topics the deadpan snarking is [chefs kiss] absolutely warranted ..

American Scandal (on series break) this one is a series within a series type, and spends a few episodes at a time poking holes in some of America's biggest scandals, from a dramatised but fact-based point of view. such as what the hell was going on with Enron, how big tobacco was forced to own up to covering its own ass, how Iran-Contra happened, etc. it also now has a sister show called British Scandal, which does the same thing for British cases but with a slightly different format.

Missing in Alaska (finished) this was a fascinating series, a deep dive into what happened to two US government officials who disappeared on a small chartered flight in Alaska in 1972. it goes some really strange places, but it actually turned up a lot of previously unknown information through the audience. John Walczak's new series in a new feed is Missing on 9/11 which looks into what happened to Dr Sneha Philip.

Pretend (ongoing) Host Javier Leiva holds interviews with anyone living a lie, or who have been touched by them. con artists, snake oil salesmen, former cult members, catfishing victims, anyone and everyone.

Power: The Maxwells (finished) hosted by journalist Tara Palmeri, the story of media tycoon Robert Maxwell from nothing to empire to mysterious death and the scandals uncovered after he was gone.

Lets Talk About Sects (ongoing) Sarah Steele covering cults from around the world, in particular those in Australia - where she is from. She often has former members on the show to share their stories, and share knowledge of how they left. each story has the relevant content warnings at the start of each episode.

Brainwashed (finished) investigation of the CIA's covert mind control experiments, centred on the experiments performed at a hospital in Montreal, and its cultural impact.

Dr Death (2 series finished) two series investigating huge cases of fraud and medical malpractice, and how they were brought to a stop. series 1 covers Dr Duntsch and his horribly butchered neurosurgery, series 2 covers Dr Fata and his fraudulent cancer clinic

The Immaculate Deception (finished) untangling the weird and disturbing fertility fraud of Dr Jan Karbaat, who fathered children himself through his fertility clinic, and the impact of his deception. later episodes also touch on other similar cases.

True Crime (Violent/General);

The Casual Criminalist (ongoing) Simon Whistler of-the-many-youtube-channels cold reads a script about the case of the day, with some of his daft commentary thrown in.

Southern Fried True Crime (ongoing) Crimes from the American South hosted by Erica Kelley, she puts all the facts out there but refreshingly for true crime she doesnt hesitate to tell you if she thinks someone is human garbage lol

They Walk Among Us (ongoing) probably one of the most popular UK crime podcasts, very measured and well put together, not weird or annoying about it either.

All Crime No Cattle (ongoing, feed slowed down for now) specifically about crimes from Texas, hosted by Erin and Shay, they're very sensitive hosts and a lot of the cases they cover shed light on why the Texas criminal system is how it is or show an impact at a national level

Canadian True Crime (ongoing) Canadian crime from an Aussie who's lived there for a decade, Kristi is again a sensitive and measured host covering some important topics

True Crime (Violent/Deep Dive);

Hitman (finished) journalist Jasmyn Morris digs around in the sticky tangle around a book published by fringe publisher Paladin Press, and its apparent use as a blueprint in the killing of a mother, her friend and her 8 year old boy for financial gain.

Camp Hell: Anneewakee (ongoing) this series is exploring how a wilderness camp "correctional facility" was endorsed by the Georgia care and juvenile reform system, despite widespread abuses and shady practices the whole time. warning for csa and child cruelty throughout.

True Crime Bullshit (on series break) this one is a huge huge rabbithole but a very interesting one where the host Josh Hallmark has spent years digging into the life and potential crimes of Israel Keyes. Keyes is often mentioned as a serial killer with no pattern, but in picking it apart thats not quite true, and has sparked some re-evaluations of missing persons cases and stumbling upon information the FBI has redacted organically. there's also a series in the middle looking into the crimes of Kelly Cochran

Forgotten: Women of Juárez (finished) this series looks into the huge numbers of missing women of Ciudad Juárez, the strange circumstances surrounding them, and the potential cover-ups and corruptions on both sides of the border, trying to give a voice to all of the forgotten women and girls and their families without answers. the series itself is finished, but a spanish language edition is being released every week now.

aaaaaand i'll call it there before i list everything lol, i hope you find something to plug your boredom hole with !!

#audio #rory's ramblings #podcasts #asks #anon #long post

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misterbitches · 3 years

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I ship muren and li cheng bc i only saw it through gifs then i watched this episode cos i was like im only starting this show if they kiss im waiting and they did and it was nice and i got so anxious that i was about to fucking vomit. I really like them together. The top/bottom shit is dumb and i hope if they must mention it they all build a bridge and get over it so they can switch cos who gives a shit. I didnt realize how large they all are like most “tall” men on tv are lying. But bc that kid is so thin and tall and the other one (idk the stepbrother) is huge too. Li cheng is shorter than them both but more ~manly~ but still short so why doesnt he take a DICK UP HIS BUTT XD since that’s all that fucking matters and there’s only 2 genders and 2 eays to have sex lmao so nothing else otherwise ur screwed

Hd a terrible past couple of weeks personally and because i keep seeing my peopl eget murdered and things ripped from us ^_____^ anyway here’s Some libertatrian communist dumb bitch discoars so i’ll tag it:

keep in mind these are my opinions’”” when i engage in discourse. I am not the end all be all and I don’t need you to agree. There’s some shit I am non-negotiable on but thsi is just exchanging of information. Any authoratative tone I take on comes from my beliefs, my life, my experiences, and what I choose to cultivate as a person and an artist. I dont have control over your feelings, you do. If it hurts you then either tell me the issue and be PRECISE about it, understand that context matters which is why i type so much in engagement, and do not fucking lie or misconstrue my words. Do not call me western ever in your life either. I am a black-american. I have adhd and bc i am a black woman if ur automatically thinking im brolic i am accepting money in my paypal for ur wellbeing to get me to shut the fuck up.Thanks.

The stepbrothers storyline is stupid and lazy writing. I really want to counter people that say it’s written well and that it’s interesting because it isn’t. Even if it was illicit and fucked we can write a story out about this. Let’s rethink what they could have done shall we:

- become stepbrothers at about 16 and their parents mismanage the relationship and they fail in trying to get an integrated family together (this is what happened in the #iconic transit girls and that was fuckin’ weird but hey dude guess what we watched it and it was weird but not unethical and we know one is like 19 and the other is 21 and a girl so it’s like wow you avoided so much and handled their stepsister story very…….um lightly given the end lmao but it was there and people had AGENCY)

-OR you realize that freak is obsessed with him and then he realizes it and is like “bitch i swear to god” and in typical shtity trope BL fashion they can find a way from obsession, to loss and independence when you lose your obsession, to “love” if they choose

- have the fucked up shit but make it clear what the issues are and you literally cannot write your way out of it so do not try

But why can’t fucked up things be shown? Also this is realistic.

0. Well according to you but no one said that they can’t. So that’s on your interpretation of critique (that is, again, not bullying or harassment.) They can, i just gave plenty of scenarios in which it is affective and not just annoying to witness, trope-y, and frankly ridiculous and offensive. Sorry! They don’t do it well. You can come up with alternatives too. See #2 btw.

1. No it isn’t doing a good job of reflecting life because life has consequences. The exaggeration in drama doesn’t mean the arc shouldn’t be there. Almost always things that aren’t heavy with the message or meant to be sobering in a deep way are COMPELLING. The realism is the basis for art because we are human. This is not the way real humans act.

Someone said Tharn Type was mature and I had to laugh because no, no one acts that way and is “in love” if they act that way that means they fucking hate each other and they’re immature and frankly it’s just not that interesting for many of us to watch because the dramatization of the “realism” is fucking bonkers. That was such poor writing it is unbelievable and someone has the audacityt o say it’s how real adults act. Fucking murder me if I’m with someone for 7 years and we break up over a miscommunication and for some reason I am not as horny as my always horny boyfriend. The fuck? What kind of lives do you lead? Either you are not an adult or you are an adult who needs therapy.

I also hear the “realistic” argument but then people try and temper it with “but also it’s fiction.” What do you think fiction is? Why do you think filmmaking exists? Number one, it’s propaganda in the sense that you want others to buy into your presentation and see what you see. That means that the creators are telling people and influencing them WITH ART BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT IT IS about their feelings around a situation. That’s why it is imperative to be responsible as a filmmaker and artist and underline the deepness of creepiness if that’s what they want. If they want to relay that rape sometimes ok and psychos are crazy so they get boy (??!?!?!? BITCH?) then they achieved it with no innovative information. We know people get raped bc we are human beings and many of us live with that fear. You know, being the target demo and all. And bc BL loves that trope it’s rape fantasy peddled to young people and women. Just like shitty wattpad fics or NYT best sellers. Hooray, what now? Or are you trying to purport that this isn’t glorified fanfiction? Which it literally is

2. This is the issue with these shows. No one is saying that fucked up shit cannot be shown. There’s a film about a woman who is raped and she falls in love with her rapist (because he was masked but i think we find out later that she knows. Binoche is in it.) I have no desire for that film—i think it’s by a man and i extra dont care—but I hear it’s sort of powerful for many. I heard it was a good film. But the act itself is always eschewed and the conflict comes from how fucking ridiculous it is especially finding out that she knows. The power imbalance adn the possibility. They may not have handled it in a way I would have cared for but it was there.

There’s simply no imagination because these people do not care that much and aren’t great writers and filmmakers because they simply do not have to be. Sorry.

The industry doesn’t rely on the best they rely on efficiency (this is everywhere.) You can tell by the camera angles, the editing, the camera itself (idk if it is multicam but the flatness is typical soap flatness without the glowboxes to soften their faces.) Simple constant lighting. Now the surroundings are mostly beautiful. But even to some of the costumes. And those edits are abysmal, some of that camera work.

So with all that said even with the couple I extremely enjoy I see its (H4) faults. Add into that a lazily thrown together “shocking” love and if they are trying to get us to feel a type of way about its sexiness they fail. This is why movies like 50sog, 365 days, etc aren’t enjoyable to people because it’s fucking strange situations that they dont want to entangle or make enjoyable to viewers across the board. They know what people will take. It’s just that bitch what are we here for if even the sexiness isn’t there for ur stupid story.

At least with that teenager and 30 yr old man in MODC (which i do not love but i like them in theory if it wasnt totally repulsive to me and also if it was developed in a way that was good TO ME) they had their, er, “sex appeal” i talk about this as well the main couple in MODC to me, visually, was a miss. Not bc whatshisface was small and stuff but bc he was so sickly and they needed that to propel the story but it was just not appealing given how the story progressed. A missed opportunity in tying the two together besides making him look waif-y and sickly only to have the “did ur mom die in a car crash? No, cancer” type of move in not another teen movie. But the opposite. And not funny. Wayne tho????? GORL. Eggs. Cracked.

fandoms have a very warped sense of harrassment and discourse.

Most fandoms have harassers who are “protecting” the cast and crew who don’t need their protection (or maybe the crew does since they probably dont get paid well but why the fuck would anyone care about that lol) but very few have the people who have concerns or massive critique about the show are not going to be “bullying.”

If people are saying “if you like xyz, u suck” then sure it may suck for you to see but who fucking cares. Either talk to the person or don’t be friends with them. That is not bullying or harrassment. Things that are shitty get criticized. Fuck, things that aren’t shitty don’t. Get away from this idea of cancel culture and people misunderstanding the story. We have the ability to.

Think beyond your noses of personal preference. You don’t have to convince people of what you believe. Discussing it is good but critique is not bullying, harrassment, or hate. Neither is fucking roasting shit because even this shit I like (manner of death lets say) deserves it. Art is meant to be critiqued and if you dont fucking like the bullshit people make then say it. They know stupid stories like this are scandalous and they don’t give a shit in how to present them.

And guess what? You won’t like everybody. Many people can’t stand me i’m sure. Oh well. I mean frankly I don’t like that and I feel very unsettled when I don’t feel understood. That’s ok! I have to temper it. Sometimes calm myself down. I won’t get anything and everything I want. And you won’t like every opinion and sometimes it’s like “man am i a dummy?” But the part of growing up is fucking maanging that and beng honest about “bashing and harrassment” and “bullying” and growing up. Yuo can like what you want the “let people like what they want thing” is so fucking juvenile and THAT is not the real world. Which is probably why so many people feel that way, they dont want to live in the real world. Unfortunately, you do.

Think beyond our noses of personal preference and what we feel emotionally in conjunction with others. You don’t have to convince people of what you believe. And you can say things that you believe to be true but it doesn’t make them so or maybe it isn’t received that way to people. And many times we learn new things in the discussions “oh shit i didn’t see it that way” right? Discussing it is good but critique is not bullying, harrassment, or hate. Neither is fucking roasting shit because even this shit I like (manner of death lets say) deserves it. Art is meant to be critiqued and if you dont fucking like the bullshit people make then say it. They know stupid stories like this are scandalous and they don’t give a shit in how to present them. Usually the “opposition” in these situations aren’t the popular beliefs that permeate through society. Trust me lmao

Antiblackness

Antiblackness is a thing. It permeates everywhere. It permeates in this genre and it permeates in fandom. Get it the fuck together. Also do not conflate cultural relativism with being repsectful. They are not barbarians, they are smart human beings either making work or deciding to. We all have diff cultures but we have fucking sense in what is respectful and not. And if we don’t we fucking learn. You cannot excuse things and say “oh culture” when you have 0 idea of that culture or actual people who are radical etc and are fighting against it. Additionally the word westerner is an ignorant term when referring to people in the US or UK who are black. Because we are not. We extend sympathy to other groups and empathy since we know so there is no inherent power imbalance between a black viewer and their subject. Don’t suggest that because it’s wrong and ahistorical and contextless.

FIRST the fallacy of representation as freedom makes people fucking complacent, individualistic, and doesn’t let them think critically. Consumption and discourse around consumption is not helping material conditions of the marginalized communities in your home, the black ones who are ignored, those intersectionalized in these communities. Groups talk about art and what it means for them outside of just what we see and because we also don’t have access to a bunch of Thai reviews or what movements or going on we are less likely to know if we don’t FUCKING SEARCH for it. Because art is constant...which leads me to....

Representation is difficult. It matters and it doesn’t.

Tthese shows are not meant to overturn the LGBTQ+ community.

There are queer filmmakers and artists in these countries. Deep illustrious film careers or even TV that is moving and deliberate. We can even see it with the dude from “your name engraved” in their short series he was in beforehand. BL is no wa pejorative because it is simply not “qu**r” storytelling whatever that means. But know it has always existed everywhere and there are also out artists or radical artists in all these countries who do no respect mediums that are cash-grabs and poorly made.

ex: As much as “Like in the Movies” sort of isnt for me and is a bit hamfisted you can tell how much love goes into that. Love of the characters, acting, and message. Yes it’s cringey to see some of the lines (like very tbh subtlety wasnt exactly their strong suit) and yea naming them after lenin and marx is just 0ihgoaudgijposkagjihou BUT GUESS WHAT? THEY FUCKING DID IT. THEY TRIED. And class was a large component as well bc u cant fuckin ignore it. The show is aware of the machinations in its world as a show but also in the philippines and for a fuckin reason. And duatarte? Loooooooool so like yea not so sure bl makes him love his ppl but the show isnt trying to do that

It’s not a transgressive genre and it has no reason to be. No ethical anything under the way we live it’s just trying your fucking best to be. That’s it. They serve societal ills and capital’s purposes. Which is fine but it is not revolutionary.

These countries in SEA or even SA do not have as big budget for even mainstream dramas—though things are changing and that’s bc REVENUE like revenue from kpop is fucking huge for SK and again so much about that is bc of what happened in their history from japanese imperialism to WWII to the US—so for “queer” stuff it is sort of now important to make that an export and it sure is one. Not only globally or to the west but a lot of these places make their money within asia (duh!) outside of their countries. OBVIOUSLY. so BL is a way to output and gain money. The thing is, it doesnt seem to be put back into the industry at all. For people in all these countries to make works that aren’t for mainstream or wont reach as many people there’s a difference between trying and just shoving shit in your face and going here it’s gay you like it right? But dont antagonize the inherent patriarchal nature of BL.

Another thing: did you guys know thailand was never colonized? You should look it up. There’s little hints of things in ITSAY to represent french influence still. Isnt that fascinating? Find out why. It’s certainly interesting that the representation, though damaging and dubious many times and also incorrect like any media, is huge in asia and this isnt a commodity here (the US) exactly. A lot of that has to do with colonial ideas of gender of which I am sure. But listen………lmao

Sometimes people dont give a shit. And it very much shows. Here is the thing once again. GOOD TRANSGRESSIVE WORK exists.

Een within the capitalist Bs paradigm or you can see people trying (I can sort of applaud parts of lovely writer) also queer media has always existed everywhere the reason you don’t know about it is because it gets takena nd commodified into a mainstream product. We hvae little incentive, particularly if we are not fans of cinema or art in gen, to search fror others when the output is right here. Being dictated by others and the state and who will give you money. No longer an effort of a cast and crew who want to convey things. But google [any country] independent cinema, radical cinema, queer radical cinema, or even retrospectives on the cinema and rethinking what is queer and radical in film. What if we took that, diluted it, got rid of the creators who put themselves through all the work, ignroe al the nuances and do……………….two actors who are conventionally attractive with no chemistry making out.

It’s the same here lets say daniel kaluuya winning the oscar for the film about the BPP. I heard it was okay and not too offensive but it still isnt’ enough. It still isn’t like hwood isn’t trash, nnati black, misogynistic towards BW and women, and all that other shit. It was pushy but it can’t be enough where we are. Black KKKlansmen i think won an oscar, by circumstance i fuckin hate these award shows they mean nothing, and i like the film a lot but he has his misogynoir still resting in his films even if it is poignant. And it was a film that honestly wasn’t really made for black people. And should all art be a response to direct trauma or trying to make ourselves palatable when we’re just human?

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ and it’s importance (capitalism) but also sorta individual responsibility

Considering a lot of these actors are rich and then just dip that’s another problem. Mainstream isn’t what sustains marginalized art ever. It doesn’t change in the vast ways we think it does. What changes is the people of these groups pushing, fighting, forcing and then capitalism trying to make it work under capitalism. It will not. It cannot.

This is why artists and labels often don’t mix or you see people like Sonic Youth doing whatever they want and pissing off their label but making them give them money. Same with Nirvana. Vince Staples. The thing is they can fight and make good shit but what capitalism helps people….not care? They don’t respect the audience? We’re getting those returns on poor executed product placement, lighting, editing, framing, fucking acting. And you surewon’t see mixed black asians in these shows. WHY R U is the oNLY one i have seen it in and he just disappears (but that was pretty cool.) so who the fuck is this representing? And before you start: asian countries are not homogenous the way we believe them to be. There are marginalized communities outside of even mixed people that are harmed. So you can skrrt cause on that one: you’re wrong buddy. But it gives us the IDEA of a paradise which is what they NEED.With representation and visibility comes consequence and responsibility as artists. What it allows them to do is coast and not think complexly because why should they; it’s mostly the fantasies of some older woman who probably has money and much less interaction with the world. It’s bonkers. And what that allows even further is for them to say YOU ARE THE THING THAT YOU CONSUME and the THING THAT YOU CONSUME IS YOURS. It is not, it is not your identity, form a close bond but figure it the fuck out. Especially for adults who are hellbent on twisting their minds into pretzels and can’t acknowledge what’s just laziness in art and not giving a fucking shit. Truly.

There’s damage that has been done from Parasite as he was supported by CJE&M and the bullshit obsession america had and eveyrone’s poor interpretation of it if they are rich. BJH is a socialist and he is a filmmaker. He has made films that are outstanding and cost a lot of money. But now a fear for indie filmmakers is just not being able to raise that much or have that much attention. Getting funding that helps them instead of expecting the Next Big Thing that is a fad because capitalism is trash. Yes this funneling of money is absolutely harmful to us artists. Even buying in is strategic. Additionally, that film is probs one of the most radical films to have that wide release and accolade (unlike “Sorry to Bother You” which i have a lot of thoughts about. One being that asian exports are acceptable but black ones are not. This is an overall art critique and global media critique. Blackness is removed, not respected.) However, filmmaking isn’t green, it can’t be socialist, and it’s a lot of work. They used tons and tons and TONS of water to do a huge beautiful feat but we still know there is a cost. We have to figure that out because it shouldn’t be. It doesn’t go back into the crew’s pockets the way it should and the work becomes that of the director’s and actors solely. It’s fucking hard. We have to do our part but it doesn’t mean we are doing it perfectly. We just have to try to do better. So does BJH cos he needs to not be a misogynist but anyways i digress.

additionally and this is something some users fail to understand: people in the media sphere generally have fucking money. I went to film school that was international with super fucking rich kids. Taiwanese kids, kids from south asia, china, thailand. They had money. No not upper middle class money, not “rich” money, not some paltry 1m that’s chump change. Fucking money. Fucking RICH-RICH. MILLIONAIRES. BILLIONAIRES. WHICH IS DISGUSTING MIGHT I ADD. The domestic people didn’t have the money for school (in the UK) and i am in a massive amount of debt like every other black student that went there. You do not understand how much money is needed to survive so people who turn to these crew positions even casting etc need this fucking money usually. OKAY. A lot of the people that do well in these dumb shows or even on a larger scale HAVE MONEY. The reason these industries are small and struggling is because of lack of people and lack of resources to independent shit because oh gee it takes money to make things.

Why should I try? Well you don’t have to really if you have money or a name. Yet...

We can tell when like those Tik Tok shows or DCOMs dont give a shit (anymore.) You know how frustrated we get when content for young people is garbage? Well, see, BL is literally that under that system. Occasionally we will get something good now but there is virtually no need in any sector in the world at this point to truly figure out how to make it better and what to do to enhance artistic literacy, outreach, teaching people new things, getting people from these communities there and having true realistic says. Art and culture is IMPERATIVE TO WORLD LIBERATION but not when it is so stiffly trying to bend to capital’s idea of progressiveness. No. Neoliberalism. No.

That’s why in a way ITSAY is a huge feat; it takes from films etc and they clearly had money (the actors rae rich too which….lmaooooo j’aime pas) but it was a respected fucking script, acting was important, blocking, framing. There’s very little to critique as a visual medium for that because I understand what they are trying to do, their market is going to be mostly young girls, but they RESPECT THE FUCKING AUDIENCE. And guess what guys? You can make money from it!!!! WOAH! Since that may be the only goal which is disgusting and repulsive.

HOWEVER AND THIS IS WHAT IS SAD: itsay is an ex of a great show however knowing the actors backgrounds and the pseudo trouble it stirred when they weren’t supporting people protesting against the coup in the summer it really put a damper on my enjoyment. And this is how we can see that:

a) it’s honestly just a show and a good one but b) now what?

These kids (actors, who are like idk 19? 20?) are rich and not saying anything while countless actors, who were filming, did. Even tul who has $$$$ and the thing is the protesting against the coup legitimately attacks the rich. As it should. The protests going on were cries for help, against a dictatorship and fucking coup, asking people to get fucking help for covid, having kids be able to live. There’s a mini on VICE about this and it probably doesnt go too in depth but there’s a kid in there who talks about his friends getting into drugs and how he just wants to make music, have fun, skateboard. And it’s harrowing to see. This is a direct example of what these things do and don’t do. Yea we know a good show is here, we know growing up and slice of life, we know this is a bit of escapism and idealism but the idealism is reflected in the way these actors also choose to live their lives. So what progress? To who? For who? How is this helping me? What purpose does it serve? I say ITSAY serves its purpose as a piece and a glimpse into possibility of growing up but i do not say it antagonizes a broader issue that needs to be relevant in some sense but simply is not. It’s very singleminded and, well, it’s sort of like “besides my sexuality, what do i have to worry about?” But for real humans like....a lot. I do not respect their decision at all.

Why can’t we do our jobs and make something decent and respect our audience? No time, gotta make that sweet sweet sweet cash baybee. Look how progressive we are! Don’t look at history and material conditions. Thanks in advance, management.

History 4 does not have that respect. Many of these shows do not. Sometimes we hit good, sometimes we don’t. But in the end we cannot settle. And I won’t. If I am critiquing something I will not be shy and if I am meant to enjoy something as escapism then these shows NEED to highlight that and it’s rare sometimes (the best twins is a good reminder like that show is bad but man do i Brain Empty when i turn it on and i like that and there’s not much in it that makes me want to kill myself from annoyance but there are transphobic jokes i dont love however the whole show is a comedy about this dude’s crazy homophobic sister and she is constantly positioned as wrong and they talk about the aforementioned trans women as the actor was in drag. Interesting that they can manage that, huh?)

Oh btw.....taiwan has a very complicated history but ignore all the bad stuff it’s good now you can kinda sorta get married and stuff. KMT? You know how i learned that? I care about human beings and read about it lmao. I am not Taiwanese and look at that. So now I have historical and DIALECTICAL~**~*~****~*~*~ context so i can judge it as an artist, a black woman from america, and from the knowledge i have to pick up on their history to see if this fits into a broader picture besides the micro-one of sexuality on an individualized level. And this is kinda where it comes full circle: these shows are not you, you are not them, they do not exist in a vacuum because nothing does. The failure to critique now means continuing on as it has and it will still do so. History and time are not linear in the sense we think it is. Someitmes things are better, sometimes things feel more austere. We are not living under liberation though and these shows are not going to do so. So they are not US nor are they for a nebulous “us” of which the groups are all fractured and have diff opinions anyway (my opinion as a black american is going to vary from an asian woman’s say and that could really clash and i do not feel solidarity with all those in every community i am for several reasons.)

Final thots that have taken up my time and the only thing i actually wanted to write but got distracted:

Anyway my dissertation is that I ilke Muren and LiCheng a lot a lot and i like how cute they are and how truly dumb li cheng is. This is an example of mostly good writing, decent actors, nice chemistry, and sort of a calmness to them. And I super enjoy how Muren is pretty forward with LC in the sense that being together is like very important to truly be together. When he was like “no i didnt forget!” Or when LC asked him something in the office I forget it was 6 am and again i almost threw up and muren nodded and then LC leaned on him. Very cute. I want more of them tho i may have to skip that othre couple (the cameo the ones from MODC) but omfg the younger one HIS HAIR GREW SO MUCH HE LOOKS SO MATURE AND CUTE OMFGIJ0HUG9SAOGIJPKOAGJSIOHUAGIJP hahhaha the one good thing i will say about THEM.idk how old the actor is i figure he was young idk it makes me happy to see him he’s very cute. I hope he’s in something i can watch and not gag at. Is he hot? Who knows but he is a cutie!!

Anyway muren and lc have a good thing going it’s nice to watch ho\pe they dont fuck it up but im truly a sucker for some true finds 2 luvas i think some user on her\e was like i’m not a fan of friends ot lovers bc it doesn’t seem like they’re actually friends and maybe they were referring to this show idk. But it made me think and it was a very good observation. So i think they are friends and also luvrs <3

#history 4 #history 4: close to you #i told sunset about you #a thot #tharntype #lovely writer #bl fandom #idk #lol #long

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lorencourtier · 4 years

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Discord Thread II Loren, Jace, and Emily

Discord thread featuring: Loren and jace @jace-matthews and Emily @warmvlbes

Mentions: @malakhai-ozera @davieslandon @bensonnick

When: July 28th

Description: Loren, Jace and Emily all get into a fight after Lorens texts with Emily

Jace “do you know what’s funny? You and emily living under the same roof but texting each other. Cutest friendship ever.”

Loren. “It is funny. But I don’t wanna leave you.” He laughs

Jace “I’m sure it’s juicy whatever it is.”

Loren. “Oh, just Khai shit” he shrugged

Jace “because....he backed out of a chat after a couple exchanges about a food item?” He snickers rolling his eyes.

Loren. “Yeah... I don’t know. I thought it was funny”

Jace “guys are weird. Id know. I am one.”

Loren. “Yeah, I just don’t have the brain power to analyze Khai right now” he chuckled

Jace “who...does?” He laughed. “I haven’t even had the chance to speak to him really”

Loren. *so, I guess if you wanna move in with me. It’s gonna be at my old place. Thank god I still haven’t sold it yet”

Jace “I beg your pardon? No I’m not doing that.” “I like it here.”

Loren. “So then move in with Emily. I’m out.” He gets off the bed and starts grabbing shit from the closet to throw back into its box

Jace “can you explain to me what is going on?” “because y’all are literally in the same house. Don’t make me pull you both out into the common room and treat you both like my students that I mentor”

Loren. “I’m just done supporting her ass and then she turns around and calls me fake because I think their being intense and weird? Fuck that Jace. I don’t need this shit in my life. I’m sorry.”

Jace “Okay first of all: watch your tone with me. Second of all: if you felt that way, then maybe you should’ve told her that versus saying other things? Calling people is tense or weird isn’t nice. And you know how Khai is with emily. You can’t blame her for acting out. He’s literally done nothing but to prove he can’t be trusted. If I did that shit with you, how would you feel being called intense or weird? You’re her best friend loren. She’s always going to look to support you bc I’m sure if I fucked up, she wouldn’t be on my side. you don’t have the brain capacity for tonight, okay. But insulting them all together isn’t going to solve anything. It does come off a little left sided.”

Loren. “Okay, you know what. She should know damn well I love her. I get intense and weird myself and if I was being that way I wouldn’t be all shitty for being called out on it. Second off. I know how he’s been, fuck do I know, and if it were you I would have already left. I don’t do this drama shit, I don’t play, and I’m not about to be disrespected for speaking my mind. I always have her back, always. She knows this. I try to help her see the light in Khai because she loves him. I personally don’t like him. Anyway, I’m leaving. You can stay wirh her”

Jace “loren you’re staying and thats final.” He said raising a brow. “Im literally moving in with my boyfriend of 24 hours and she didn’t call us intense or weird. So she’s stronger than the average person but that doesn’t make her crazy. You hurt her feelings loren. And so she did it right back. Y’all just need to talk this out. But you’re not leaving and if you do, thennnn....I’m gonna take a step back because this can be easily solved and if you walk out on her for this, then I’d hate to see how you’d react for the first time we fight. running away solves nothing.” He shrugged. “So either get it together the both of you? Orrrrr Im out.”

Loren. “You’re kidding right? This isn’t our first fight, and if your out for that. Because she disrespect me. Then you know what? I’m sorry. I’m not gonna sit down and be a fake person and smile when all I do is be there for her. I say one thing she doesn’t like and I’m the bad person, and now you threaten to leave me because I don’t wanna deal with it? That hurts” he turns around and walks into the bathroom slamming the door

Jace “did she not feel disrespected by you too though...?” “EMILY GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW.”

Emily She walks in, standing in the door frame.

Jace he opens the bathroom door. “LISTEN TO ME RIGHT NOW. I’ve had enough with both of you. This is bullshit. OVER A BOY? REALLY? Y’all- it’s KHAI WE ARE TALKING ABOUT. he’s not perfect. You’re not perfect. pointing to em and you are not perfect pointing to loren. BUT DISRESPECTING EACH OTHER IS A LOW OF ALL LOWS. IT SOLVES NOTHING”

Loren. He comes out of the bathroom and pushes past them both. “Figure your shit out. I’m done” he said to Emily. Turning to jace after. “You wanna leave me over this? Fine. Do what you want. I’m leaving” he walks toward the front door

Jace “Loren if you walk out that god damn door, I will know your love for me was not real and you are running from me just like you had to do with Landon. Pick and choose your battles right fucking now bc she is here and so am I. I am trying to help. and you literally aren’t even listening. You’re too busy trying to run.”

Loren. “I can’t believe you just said that to me. You can’t be serious”

Jace “you two need to talk. I don’t care if it doesn’t happen tonight but we’re not about to throw away this home over a boy. YOU can’t be serious. You’re running. Is it that easy for you to walk? I’m trying to help.”

Emily “I’m not going to be the reason y’all break up either.”

Loren. “I’m leaving because I’m obviously needing to cool off. But you want me to stay and keep fighting? You want me to be fake and say it’s all okay? Fine... it’s all okay baby. She didn’t disrespect me at all. Happy?”

Jace “did I fucking say THAT LOREN? NO I DIDNT.” “I JUST SAID TO TALK IT OUT”

Loren. “I DONT WANT TO! I tried and she just kept saying fuck me. So guess what! Fuck me!”

Emily “Loren wait*”

Loren. “I don’t wanna do this. I am not about to do this again. Just stop” he said dropping to the floor and holding his head

Emily “look i was fired up and said some things I didn’t mean. But you really did hurt my feelings...”

Loren. “Just stop”

Emily “stop what! I’m trying to apologize”

Loren. “I didn’t do a fucking thing wrong. And I can’t do this... i need to leave”

Emily “so my feelings are invalidated because it stung to hear you call me weird and intense? With someone you’re usually happy for me for?” “i mean if it means saving the friendship, I’ll just stop going to you about Khai. It’s not like I can talk with anyone else about him. So I’ll just leave the subject of him to deal with myself.” “because all people do is want to either try to insult him or tell me how I should do better. I’m just gonna...stop...talking about him”

Loren. “Well I’m sorry you don’t think it’s intense and weird to be off and on and constantly trying to one up each other. I don’t care what you do. I always support you, you know damn well I do. But YOU” he pointed to Jace. “Just broke my fucking heart.”

Jace “what the fuck did i do? You just tried to walk out on me for trying to help mend something?”

Loren. “I never said I was walking out on YOU”

Emily “Loren YOUVE always supported us so it was just weird to hear you say that...it felt out of no where. But I am sorry that I disrespected you. I just felt disrespected too.”

Loren. “But to throw Landon in my face? That hurt”

Jace “I’m not talking about this in front of emily.”

Loren. “Yeah. I’m just don’t with this whole conversation”

Jace “then go like you planned on doing.”

Loren. “I’m not going”

Emily “can we just light a joint or something? I don’t like us all fighting.”

Loren. “But I’m not about to ever be threatened like that again. Ever”

Jace “you tell me you love me every fucking day and you were ready to throw me in her by myself over some petty ass bullshit. You’re not going to just walk out on me trying to talk to you and that wasn’t a threat. It was a promise. Bc it was juvenile. This whole thing is Juvenile.”

Loren. “I was upset and the first thing you did was say I was acting out and sides with her. You wanna do that, fine. You don’t wanna talk about this in front of her, fine. I wasn’t walking out on you. I just don’t wanna live somewhere that I feel like I have to walk on eggshells. I did that my entire fucking life”

Jace “I was trying to get you to see from her perspective as you do every time I’ve spoken to you about my mom, or anything else loren.”

Emily “can no one leave? Please. Y’all this is my fault. I raised the tension bar and i don’t like this. I’m really really sorry loren.”

Loren. “ I see her fucking perspective. But she doesn’t care to see mine. I’m not even going to be okay with this. Or pretend to be. Maybe you should just... I’m not doing this. Fuck this” he started to cry

Emily she walked over and held him. “Jace can you just give me 5 minutes? Please.”

Jace “whatever”

Loren. “Don’t touch me I need to leave. I need to go. Just leave me alone”

Jace “I thought you said you weren’t going.”

Loren. “I-“ he just shook his head

Emily “Jace! 5 minutes.” She said again watching as Jace walked out. “Loren I know you hate me right now but you need to listen to me. You hurt my feelings too. Okay? I know you support me and yeah I see your perspective. But you’ve literally called me strong from day 1 and now it’s like you’re calling me weak for even attempting to make shit work with Khai.” She shrugged. “I don’t want to fight you at all. I’m just a little blindsided by the comments you made and I’m sorry because yes, you have supported me 100% of the way. But that’s exactly why I got confused and upset just now. as for Jace, I-I don’t have advice for that but you guys love each other and y’all just need to breathe and talk this out. But don’t leave. Because that’s clearly not what he wants. But if it’s what you NEED to do, then I guess do it.”

Loren. “Emily, I do nothing but listen to shit between you two. I never complain, I never hardly ever bring up my own shit. But the truth is. I do think you could do better. He obviously has shit he needs to deal with before locking down. But still I support you and root for you. I’m always honest with you, and I’m sorry you didn’t like what I had to say tonight. But it’s always something with him, and that’s a lot on me to make you feel better. I told you I was off. But you still get shitty with me like I’m supposed to just kiss your ass and lift you up. Now I This shit with Jace? Because of Khai and you and what he said... I don’t know if I can forgive that. It’s obviously just too much for me.’so leaving felt like the right thing to do. If he doesn’t wanna support me. Then maybe I was wrong about him”

Emily “I think he was just trying to support us both.” She said through worried eyes. “He cares about Our friendship, Loren. That’s not terrible but he didn’t need to stoop that low and I’m sorry he did. But i don’t think you were wrong about him. Just remember how much shit i deal with when it comes to Khai. But i still love him. Just like you love Jace. If you need to, stay in my room tonight. I don’t care. I want to be there. And like i said, I’ll stop talking about Khai because yes I fully take responsibility for this and that’s exactly why I don’t want to be the reason, or my bullshit with Khai, to be the reason y’all break up.” “I’m really really sorry.”

Loren. “I don’t wanna stay in your room. I don’t wanna be here. You both hurt me. You both made me feel like my opinion or feelings didn’t matter. He should support me not you. I know your friends but he is supposed to be my number one supported. Someone who calms me and is there for ME. I’m just not going to pretend this didn’t happen, and yeah. You started the whole fire in me but he fueled it. I’m just done. I’m just fucking done. Do what you want with Khai. But don’t expect me to sugar coat shit anymore. You deserve better. He’s a piece of shit. Handle it”

Emily “I’m just gonna try and move on. It’s all i can do and i don’t expect you to just bump and forgive me for this or forget this happened. I’m just saying sorry because your opinion does matter. It just hurt coming from you. And if you don’t want to be here, then go.” “or I’ll go. I’ll just go stay at nicks.”

Jace “and I’ll go too.”

Loren. “It’s like everything is fine as long as I’m saying what you wanna hear. How many times have I backed you or lifted you up?”

Emily “every time...”

Loren. “Now it’s all my fault and I’m losing my boyfriend over it? Go stay with nick like I fucking care.”

Emily “i was just saying that i will go....Christ.”

Jace “actually I’m still here but I can go if this is how tonight is gonna continue to pan out.”

Loren. “Are you here for me or her? Cause I’m a little confused right now”

Jace “I’m here for both of you because this fight is dumb. Like y’all both invalidated each other. Grow up”

Loren. “Yeah, grow up” he just laughed

Jace “yeah I’ll just go because we’re gonna be going in circles all night. I’ll see y’all later.”

Loren. “Okay, Emily, baby, it’s okay. I forgive you.”

Emily “no you don’t. I’m leaving too.”

Loren. “Jace, I forgive you too. It’s all my fault and next time I will watch what I say more carefully”

Jace “goodnight, Loren.” Walks out the front door and slams it

Loren. “Let it all be on me”

Emily she sighs, runs into her room and starts packing an overnight bag

Loren. “Don’t you ever talk to me again. I can’t believe you just did this to me after all I did for you”

Emily “loren I do not control Jace’s actions....”

Loren. “This is not friendship You just broke me in a million pieces all because of a stupid left on read by Khai”

Emily “Okay this is bullshit. I didn’t even do anything except fight with you. I don’t control what Jace does. I’m sorry he cared about both of us??? LOREN I SAT HERE AND TRIED TO APOLOGIZE AND YOU ARE BEING A DICK SO INSAID ID LEAVE. IDK WHATBYOU WANT”

Loren. “I’m going to get high. Fuck you”

Emily “fuck you too dude.”

Loren. “I’ve never felt so alone in my whole life. And I’ve been beaten, raped, and disowned by my father.”

Emily “I’m not Jace, Loren. he tried to help...”

Loren. “No your not. Did he?”

Emily “yeah he did but you’re too pissed off to see that and taking it out on me.”

Loren. “I don’t think he did. He threatened to leave if I didn’t just suck it up and forgive you”

Emily “shouldn’t you be fighting him?”

Loren. “That’s not someone who was trying to help”

Emily “you’re not even taking fault for what you said. You’re not sorry at all. You don’t care how it made me feel so why should I care how you feel right now? Oh that’s right. Because i tried to apologize and it’s still nothing.”

Loren. “All I did was wanna leave and I wanted him to come wirh me. But he chose you”

Emily “Because he didn’t want to see a friendship end over a stupid boy...”

Loren. “I didn’t say anything wrong You both were being intense and weird.

Emily “it’s funny how you can see things from Khai’s prospective but when it comes to people pissing you off, it’s complete tunnel vision” “Loren you don’t have to berate or lecture me again on how i can do better. I got it the first 2 times you said it.”

Loren. ”oh my god. Can you not just take one step back and try to see where I’m coming from?”

Emily “I did and do. Do you know how many people tell me that i can do better?” She asked.

Loren. “I don’t care that’s the thing. If you wanna be wirh him I support you. I just said what I saw and you flipped”

Emily “do you know how annoying it is to feel like Me fighting for something that i really want only for people to say why emily?”

Loren. “I give up. It’s always about you” “I’m trying to tell you. I support you”

Emily “if you’d let me fucking finish— I should not have snapped at you but it had been everyone. Literally everyone. Even anonymous beings telling me to do better. Hearing it from you, it just hurt. AND I KNOW LOREN. OKAY I KNOW.”

Loren. “But all you hear is this stupid shit I said one time”

Emily “you want what’s best for me. Okay i hear you. I do. I’m sorry. Idk how many times you want me to say it. I’m. Sorry. I know you want to see me do better.”

Loren. “I can’t even keep up with you right now. That isn’t even what I was saying” “Let me talk”

Emily “It’s how it came across loren.”

Loren. “I wasn’t saying that in our text. I was just saying. You two are intense and weird. I don’t see anything wrong with that, it’s who you two are. But you completely flipped on me. I always support you and root for you and try to paint him as an angel for you. You know I do. So why you went off on me is beyond me. You should know I’m not aaron or any of those stupid assholes. I’m here for YOU! Yeah, maybe you could do better. I don’t really like the way he treats you. But I didn’t say that in the text. I always support you. I wanted to take a step back and just cool off because you literally went off and said fuck me. I don’t need that shit. I’m battling my own demons too you know. Now Jace...”’he teared up. “I should have known better. But guess what? I didn’t. So now I’m broken and you can be sorry but it doesn’t matter. I learned what I had to I guess. I hope you do too.”

Emily “Loren you also just said that I could do better though. But i do appreciate you supporting me and I’m sorry...I’m sorry if I’m the reason you and Jace break up but i really hope I’m not. I highly doubt he’s even left. He’s probably just as broken but this is my fault and I feel horrible for all of this. At this rate, i don’t even know how i have friends because I’ve snapped at every single one of them this week.” She shrugged. “I just don’t want this friendship to die over this. This is so stupid. And I will bring Jace back in here because yalll have to talk. Don’t let this ruin you both. Please. but can i also please just ask for pure transparency with you? Because painting Khai as some angel ISNT going to help me if he pulls the shit like he did tonight.” she sighed, peaking out the window. “He’s literally on the staircase, top step. I’m gonna bring him back in here. Just please...try to talk.”

Loren. “He didn’t even do anything but not text you back. That’s why I try to calm you down. Cause something you act like he’s so bad. When literally he barely did shit. I get why you feel the way you do, trust me I do. I have trust issues myself. But Jace using Landon against me. I can’t even.... that’s just not okay.”

❈ Ⲉⲙⲓ𝓵ⲩ ❈ “Loren it wasn’t even about the text. It was the fact that he backed out of a convo when I was joking with my best friend. Hello.” She sighed. “Talk to Jace. It’s the only advice i can offer. I already said he shouldn’t have stopped that low and i mean it.”

Loren. “I didn’t run from Landon. I tried to protect him and then I fell in love with someone else. I don’t run. I cool off, and I’m done with this. This is too much”

Emily “Loren I’m behind you on this. But I can’t solve it. You have to talk to him, babe”

Loren. “Nope, let him go” “I’m used to being left”

Emily “Loren stop.”

Loren. “I don’t want to” “I don’t have the energy for this.”

Jace he walks in and grabs his book bag, trying to grab his things in peace, his face red from crying but doesn’t say a word

Emily “then give it up. If he’s not worth it then let him go”

Loren. “I didn’t say he isn’t worth it”

Emily “well he’s leaving.”

Loren. “Don’t you dare put words in my mouth”

Emily “I’m not...I’m giving you options Loren. Either talk it out with him, or let him go. doesn’t have to happen tonight. He’s already on his way out”

Loren. “Wow, you really don’t ever listen to me do you?”

Emily “LOREN IM LITERALY SAYING TALK TO HIM WHEN YOU CAN”

Loren. “Has the one choosing to leave” “He’s also the one choosing to hurt me. I can’t control him”

Jace “BECAUSE I DONT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO, LOREN!”

Emily she sighed, and walked out.

Jace “IM HOMELESS. I HAVE TO FIND SOMEWHERE TO GO”

Loren. “Well, im just done. I literally can’t do this anymore” “You didn’t want me to leave. But there you go”

Jace “so that’s it. Youre breaking up with me”

Loren. “As long as it’s not me right” “No I’m not. You’re the one leaving”

Jace “I didn’t leave. I’m still here. I was crying on the top step because I shouldn’t have said what i said. And now yes I want to leave because I really don’t think i should be here. I’m not good for you loren. I’m not.”

Loren. “Wow.’okay”

Jace “You can’t convince me I am when I just hurt you that badly.”

Loren. “I really just don’t even understand how this is my fault”

Jace “i have to live with that for the rest of this life, this relationship. I’m not blaming you. I’m blaming myself.”

Loren. “You wanted to protect her instead of me. That’s fine. I’m just not going to beg you to want me. I’m not gonna beg you to side with me. And I’m sure as hell not staying in this fucking town”

Jace “so you are leaving”

Loren. “Why do I have any reason to stay without you?”

Jace “and I didn’t want to protect anyone...I was literally just trying to help... immsorry” “Loren if you leave, so will I.”

Loren. “You literally ask me every day if I’m okay. No, Jace. I’m not”

Jace “you don’t talk to me. You never fucking talk to me maybe I’ll just take that trip to Hawaii like I planned to find my mom.”

Loren. “I try to stay stable for you. For her. For myself for gods sake. But I’ve been through a lot. To the point I just wanna die most days. But you are literally the only thing keeping me going. Then you say that about Landon. Like I actually ran from him? I didn’t run from him. I was beat within inches of my life. Then I met you... and now you. Okay you know what. I can’t even... I just need to go. This is pointless”

Jace “our love is FAR from pointless, Loren.”

Loren. “Neither one of you let me talk”

Jace “you just spoke”

Loren. “I’m sorry okay? I’m fucking sorry. Can I please go get pure now?”

Jace “I don’t even know what that means. And I don’t know why you’re apologizing when I’m the one who fucked this up.”

Loren. “I don’t know either. I literally am not in the right state of mind tonight. I said that half a dozen times. And still... “

Jace “I’ll just crash on the couch. Talk later.”

Loren. “Okay. I’m done”

Jace “ok”

Loren. “Don’t say I didn’t fight for this” he says walking out the door and slamming it

Jace “what the fuck is going on?” He follows him. “you’re really confusing me loren. You wanna talk but don’t. You don’t want me to walk out, I don’t want you to walk out but here you are ready to skip town. So which is it? I thought you were needing a break to talk about this later. So I opted to stay on the god damn couch but that was a wrong move too. What the fuck do you want? Talk”

Loren. He sat on the top step and just cried

Jace “I love you loren. I’m trying here. But I don’t know what you want me to fucking do”

Loren. “I wanted you to back me. No matter what. I wanted you to love me, no matter what. I just wanted to know I could come to you with anything and you wouldn’t leave or tell me I was invalid in my feelings. Now everything is ruined, and it’s all because I didn’t want to be treated like shit by my so called best friend” [3:32 AM] “I’ve done shit for her that was so out of line, I’ve done everything for her. I didn’t deserve any of this”

Jace he sighed and sat down beside him, keeping his hands to himself. “Loren, you’re right. You don’t deserve anything that happened but you have 2 people trying to apologize. I don’t know how many times I have to say this: I was trying to get you to see it from her perspective. That is it. I’m not saying what you said was wrong. Im not saying what she did was right either, baby. You have to listen to me.” He sighed, wiping his own tears. “It’s...a boy. And this is a friendship. Khai is a shitty person, okay? But she loves him. And truth hurts. People lash out on that shit. All i was trying to do was for you to see why she did. I did have your back by trying to help mend it but I see that’s where I came off wrong. And I’m sorry.” He sighed, choking up. “And I’m sorry for what I said too. That was low of me and i know you will never forgive me for that.” She sighed, trying to catch his breath. “Truth is I do love you. I do have your back. You can come to me with anything but much like you told emily, I’m not one to sugar coat shit. I’ve been in my own depression since finding out about bea but you’re the reason I stay afloat. And no. Not everything is ruined. You still have me and you still have emily. But if you don’t want us, that’s your decision. We can’t force you to do anything. No matter how bad I may not want you to leave, the choice is yours.”

Loren. “I did see her side, Jace. That’s the whole point. I tried to talk to her and explain myself and she tore into me like I haven’t been there for her the whole fucking time. I can’t do this shit with her anymore. I can’t, and I can’t let it come between us. Yeah, you hurt me with what you said. I don’t even know what to do with that. But I’m so in love with you, I need you. I know you’ve been stressed and I think I just need to focus on us and not them. I need to. Because I need you, and I’m so in love with you. I’d fucking marry you if you’d let me. But you need to know, when I say I’m leaving. I just need to cool off. I’d never walk out on you. Never”

Jace he took a deep breath and moved to hold loren, cupping his face. “I know what it’s like to try and focus on others relationships. But she has to fix this on her own. You can only do so much. But y’all need to support each other. NOT that you WERENT before. Because you were. But you know what I mean.” He presses his forehead to his. “But i love you so much and yes, we’ll get married. I don’t want to lose you. I want us to work on ourselves together. But please be open with me baby. I can’t help you if you’re not”

Loren. “I’m trying” he said grabbing his wrists. “I’m so used to being told to keep quiet and to stay in my own lane. But I’m really trying. I told you about the heroin, and Dominic, and I have been doing good. But, I’ve just been stressed with Emily. Because I love her and I hate seeing her hurt” [3:55 AM] “Please don’t leave me. I love you so much and don’t you ever threaten me like that again. I literally crumbled”

Jace “of course you do baby. Shes your best friend.” He pressed his forehead to his. “I am so sorry. I really am. I just was scared to lose you. I didn’t want you to leave. Too many already have walked out of my life.”

Loren. “I didn’t even think that’s how you might have felt. I just thought you knew I needed to cool off and that’s my bad. I apologize for that. I do” he pressed his head back against his and sighed. “I’m never gonna leave you okay? I just build up and I go off. So I just need to calm down. Please know I’d never leave you”

Jace “I believe you. I’m sorry.” He told him, moving to hug him and breaking down in his arms. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.” He repeated over and over in light whispers

Loren. He wrapped his arms around him and cried with him. Kissing the side of his head. “I’m so sorry too. I really am. I love you”

Jace he sobbed into his neck before pulling out and pressing his lips to him. “Can we go back inside our home?” He asked, breaking away from the kiss.

Loren. He kissed him back with all the love he still had for him and nodded as he pulled away. “Yeah baby. Let’s go to bed.” He brushed his cheek wiping his tears and smiled softly. “I love when you call it that”

Jace “well it is. It’s our home. I want it to stay that way.” He smiled, kissing him again as he wiped his own boyfriend’s tears. “Let’s go” he took his hand, holding tightly

Loren. “Yes it is” he nodded. He kissed him back and took his hand before getting up and leading him inside. “I’m not going anywhere, ever. I promise”

Jace “I’m not either. A trip to Hawaii? Without the love of my life to support me? I’d be out my damn mind.”

Loren. “Yeah, you would. But if it’s something you really feel you need to do alone. I’d respect that”

Jace “I can’t do that alone. I don’t have the balls to do it alone*”

Loren. “Okay, then I’m there. I’m by yours side always. I love you” he led him into the bedroom and pulled the covers back on the bed. “You sleep on my side okay?”

Jace “w-where will you sleep?” He asked lying down hesitantly.

Loren. “In your spot” he said. Crawling on top of him and laying his head onto his shoulder”

Jace “the switch up only for you to cuddle me.” He smiled, tilting his head up to kiss him. “I love you.”

Loren. “Yeah”’he chucked. Kissing him back before rolling off of him. Half his body still on him though. “I love you too. With every ounce of my existence”

#chats:jace #chats:emily #chats:discord #ft.emily #ft.jace #ft.khai #ft.landon #ft.nick

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thegeminisage · 5 years

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merlin thots about the s5 opening episodes.......

here’s your courtesy cut

one of my favorite things about s5 so far is how very nicely arthur and merlin have both 1. grown up and 2. grown into each other...they still give each other shit 24/7 but it’s a lot more companionable and comfortable now than it ever has been. furthermore, both of them exhibit the use of MULTIPLE braincells even at the SAME TIME. they work very well together as a team even in the heat of battle (we did see shades of this near the end of s4), despite merlin being kind of useless at physical combat when he couldn’t rely on his magic for a boost. they can have entire conversations without a word and they’re just INCREDIBLY synchronized. the whole #vibe has really gotten a level up

timeline-wise, it’s been roughly a decade since season 1. in s1 they said the purge began 20 years ago (upon arthur’s birth), and shortly after, he had a coming of age ceremony - 21′s an important number, so in season 1 arthur began as being 20 and turned 21 before the end. season 2 = 22. gap year for s2-s3 = 23. season 3 = 24. s3-s4 gap year = 25. season 4 = 26. 3 gap years betweeen s4-s5 = 27, 28, 29. season 5 = 30. i don’t know how long it was in real life between seasons 4 and 5 (definitely not three years), but i really do feel like they’ve both aged SO much and they absolutely act like people who have known each other for a decade.

gwen as queen is AMAZINGNGLSDKJGHDSLFG she’s SO PRETTY i love her SO MUCH. love that she has her own serving girl now! this is what she deserves

the round table is good too altho it looks a bit too big for that room. it’s amazing though like...FUCK uther pendragon arthur has come SO FAR

merlin being nice to the new girl is very charming. makes him seem older and w-w-WISER (love that word) by comparison

also love that merlin gets to ride a horse while some of the footsoldiers walk. that’s #status. that’s *** ******

pretty sure i had a stroke during merlin’s vision of arthur’s death. the whole thing was done SO well - they go from the battlefield and arthur’s incredibly dirty face as he very realistically looks like he’s falling down and dying and then cut to a very alive and present arthur asking what’s wrong. you can really FEEL the whiplash, and also the dread settles in nice and deep, at least it does if you’re me and you’ve read spoilers, like, “only you can keep arthur safe” BUT I KNOW HE DOESN’T I KNOW HE CAN’T I KNOW HE FAILS and merlin might as well know it too because he looks ready to CRY and thru the rest of this 2-parter opening he acts like he thinks arthur may drop dead at any moment

i feel like i read somewhere once that actors don’t like to eat during a scene unless absolutely necessary because when you do 30 takes of something you get very full very quickly and some even go so far as to have a spit bucket just out of sight so that they can just get rid of it without having to eat any more. which makes it absolutely bananas to me that so often in merlin the characters are not only eating but eating very quickly as though they really have been roughing it in the wilderness all day & are absolutely famished...they don’t have to show them eating so often BUT THEY DO

arthur getting merlin into a tight spot by insisting he perform, planning on laughing at his failure? funny. merlin ACTUALLY USING MAGIC TO TEACH HIMSELF TO JUGGLE so that he could watch arthur’s jaw hit the floor? PRICELESS. i wonder how long it took him to do that, he definitely wasn’t using a body double

merlin is acting so bleak and dire in these episodes that even mr no-empathy himself asks him whats wrong, multiple times. they’re doing a VERY good job at really driving home the fact that arthur’s time is running short and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. merlin’s so sick with dread he’s making ME sick with dread. arthur’s here and being his normal dumbass self but the distance between them feels HUGE during the moments merlin is thinking about arthur’s impending doom

arthur all “i cant believe u can juggle i didnt even know you could catch” and then throwing the boots at merlin only for merlin to NOT CATCH THEM and arthur goes “see explain that” and merlin goes “wish i could” and i D I E

because he’s KNOWN HIM FOR A DECADE and he still can’t explain the magic and at this point it must feel like to him that he never, ever will UUUUUGH it’s funny how they can feel so close to each other one second and like THIS the next i am DYING

the little conversation they have when they make camp the next night is the same. the sad music plays, merlin keeps looking at arthur like it might be the last time he sees him, and arthur keeps insisting on asking merlin what’s wrong and trying to make him feel better...they’re really for real friends!!! they’re so serious and grown up!!!!!

ive lost count of how many times either merlin or arthur has been nearly dead and had to get hauled around by the other one

also of how many times merlin used his magic in a way that should have been obvious to bystanders and wasn’t

“if morgana doesnt kill you i will" “threatening a king is treason merlin” “what about threatening an ASS” listen. look me in the eyes. this is TOP TIER banter

remember how in the early seasons they’d bend over backwards to leave plausible deniability when expressing affection? like “we’d be good friends if you weren’t a prince” or “you’re not wise or anything but yeah you’re wise” or whatever dumb toxic masculinity bullshit...those days are OVER with. merlin speaks DIRECTLY from the heart. “i’m worried about you” and “i swear i’ll protect you or die at your side” he is not fucking around even a little bit. this fool is in love

they were ALMOST cuddling when they slept together under that overhang

the two of them trapped in that net was PRICELESS. in the early seasons i got a little tired of the frequent slapstick/juvenile humor and wished the series was a bit more serious but now that they’re here i cling to every shred of levity with my whole heart

i was SO relieved to realize gwen wasn’t actually planning on killing that poor girl - i kept saying the entire time it was very out of character for her, no way could she be that cruel

arthur: “you wanna kill me fine but my last request is for you not to kill merlin” merlin: “you wanna kill arthur fine but you’re gonna have to go through me” arthur: “for fucks sake”

merlin: i never do as i’m told! that’s *** ******

i dont care if mordred DID save their lives i NEVER wanted to see him less i am so full of dread

i can’t BELIEVE morgana also has a pet dragon. she and merlin could have been the BEST foils and i’m STAYING mad about it. she was actually so good in this episode - way less full of evil smirks - that i briefly rejoined the morgana defense squad and got REAL pissed when mordred eventually shanked her, ESPECIALLY after she was so happy she was nearly crying to see him again. WHAT IS IT WITH THAT KID AND STABBING PEOPLE KNOCK IT OFF

the snowy environments in this episode were soooo good. the scenery was just...top fucking tier and it’s nice to see them somewhere other than the same old places. also like NO allo but arthur looks really nice just wandering around through a bunch of fucking snowbanks with dirt all over his face

arthur and merlin’s little ploy to steal that dagger by arthur faking a collapse was SO GOOD. they’re SO IN SYNC. i was THRILLED. better still: he winked when he was done. he used like FIVE WHOLE BRAIN CELLS AT ONCE and he was ALMOST as proud of himself as i am proud of him. what a guy, that arthur pendragon

their escape was really good too. the nonverbal communication? top tier! they just give each other little looks and then proceed to wreck the whole scene. doubly funny when the slaver is like WHO SPILLED THAT STUFF and arthur just kind of jerks his head over at merlin. snitches get stitches, YOUR HIGHNESS

i barely felt one whole emotion for sefa or her dad but him dying was like. sad. this show is sad. why the fuck am i watching it. i hate character death. they were hugging

arthur seemed like he was having just the time of his LIFE sneaking into that big ol tower of doom. dude was all cute little quips and smiles. popped his head outta that lil minecart like a kid at christmas

i love also that you give percival nothing but a single sword and in short order he goes about liberating all the slaves, killing all the slavers, and then reappropriating their swords to a better cause. he’s a one-man army. i was SO impressed. and he really looked like he was having fun too

merlin seeing that lil baby dragon again was SO fucked up and sad. why can’t it TALK :(((

also lmao “merlin you cant be that stupid” “no i am if you dont believe me watch” and merlin bolts and arthur sighs with SO much longsuffering and says “im going after him”

the light in morgana’s eyes when she talks about wanting to have arthur’s head and then her stabbing him over and over without actually killing him...she’s batshit insane. rip

i do like that arthur sort of TRIED to talk her around...it’s the first time he’s really gotten to speak with her since the end of season 3 when he found out who she was

on a final note, though, i am less than thrilled with the knighting of mordred...how is it arthur can KNOW who he is, that he’s a druid, and can do magic, and LET HIM INTO THE KNIGHTS, and still have sorcery be outlawed in camelot?? it doesnt make any SENSE

#personal #merlin blogging #the preview for 5.03 played after this ep was over #i dont usually watch them on the first try bc idw spoilers #but i watched it this time #and it SPOILS it a little bit #im glad i didnt watch and got to be shocked

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lllvllls-blog · 6 years

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⋆ ◦ ° ☾ cismale + he/his — have you seen vincent janko? they sure have been hanging out at valdez county park a lot recently. they are thirty eight years old known as the raging bull, and they currently work for the cobras as a soldier, which they’ve been doing for nine years. a bisexual capricorn, they are determined + practical, as well as detached + stubborn. knitting needles, smashed terracotta pots, gauze bandages.

this is so long im so sry it’s mostly so i dont fKN FORGET MY BRAINS A SIEVE

HISTORY

this my most anti-social + rage-filled muse so we’ll see how he do... v v v loosely based on jake lamotta in the raging bull film. their personalities are actually a bit different ANYWAY

raised around violence, saw ppl responded to it + listened when used so grew up with the kinda mentality where violence was the only answer

not a great relationship with parents, lack of communication, abusive. vince’s parents married too young, fell out of love quick, took their frustrations out on each other and on their kid who never listened

so kept to himself at home but released aggression at school. a Big Fat Bully rip just picking on ppl all the time - not the weak ones but the strongest

got into a lot of trouble, juvenile diversion, detention etc. hefty fines bc of vandalism, assault etc. then eventually juvie for a short while for assaulting his probation officer. a mess.

age 15, his mum (civilian) left his dad (cobra) and his dad remarried to a fellow cobra. his new mom wanted their own kid but couldn’t so adopted serah. ENTER: actual angel, light of vince’s life. the lil 3 y/o was his everything ok. not only did serah’s arrival soften his dad up a lil but vince had less reason to be angry about things too.

tho their parents were v absent, vince had no problem taking care of serah. in fact he was so happy to do it, even skipped school to spend time with her

stayed out of trouble for serah, joined a boxing club which tamed him a lot, saved his anger for the ring. lost a lot at first but once he started to pick things up the cobras began to take notice as he quickly became the winning bet

doesn’t feel pain like normal people. can just charge + charge + charge @ people no matter how many punches to the head.

didn’t graduate high school but agreed to fight for the cobras + help them fix games for some extra dolla. enjoyed the money as paid back parents, became independent, and begin to save up to move into a house with his gf + financially support serah

never took the initiation tho. always rebelled against his parents and refused to join the cobras despite their wishes. didn’t like the thought of ppl telling him what to do. just wanted to fight, win, go back to his gf + sis with a fat wad of cash

around the age of 23, he enlisted in the army with a bunch of his friends due to ~patriontic~ reasons but before he left married mimi who came from savage parents + eventually initiated when she was 18. had been dating her since he was 16. this was another reason why he swore not to join as a cobra

finds out she’s pregnant whilst he’s away. wasn’t planned. thought of kids scared him bc he never believed he’d be a good dad (spoiler alert: he right)

comes back during leave to meet a lil bb rosie (age 25). elated but terrified. more than the war. goes back to afghanistan, hates not being there. so fucks up his own left ear, sent home with a medical discharge. deaf in one ear. called an animal.

he’s obvs not the same as before, disoriented and a lil traumatized. also wow vince is not the best parent. has sm of his dad’s awful traits that he hasn’t unlearnt but is Trying.

tried to do a normal job as a construction worker but just got into fights all the time, kept getting fired. was convinced to go back into the ring. so he did. but things were different.

he didn’t get the same sense of relief from mindless violence. just needed the money. impact of the war - no release from shooting a gun and taking an innocent person’s life. being a solider was a job in the same way as a fighter. work, work. unsatisfied hunger.

ANYWAY vince’s last fight (age 27), huge odds. cobras told him to lose. his friend bet on him to win against vince’s advice. friend had bet a lot of money. so won the fight. next day his wife was killed.

he thought it was the cobras. turns out it was the savages, they thought she was a snake. not only that but the cobras lost a lot of money. they wanted him to pay it back. he refused to initiate. but serah was pregnant as well. he needed to support the fam + didn’t want no dramaz.

so continued to fight. but now he didn’t know when to stop, didn’t know his limits. began to beat his opponents to death. did the odd job here and there - intimidation, repossession, torture. only to pay off his debts + lowkey protection for his fam

age 29, parents die. livid. paranoid. took cobra initiation for official protection. also a way to hunt down his wife and parents’ killer + get vengeance.

SUMMARY: ex cobra fighter, ex us military, widower, a decent brother (serah’s), trying to be a decent father, now cobra soldier. (all u have to know tbh)

PERSONALITY (?) ish

nine years later, not over it. still angry. still hunting for the savages that killed his loved ones. might even be dead but subconsciously it doesn’t matter to him, convinces himself they’re still alive to cope with guilt. give his life a kind of purpose he thinks is achievable.

it’s pretty obvious to ppl he’s only in the cobras out of his own interest, protection and vengeance. he doesn’t exactly see other cobras as ‘family’ and his jobs are all done solo. just sticks to himself, gets shit done and doesn’t want anyone to bother him.

tryna be a good brother and a good dad and a good husband. crazy overprotective. don’t fucc with them, he’ll kill you. more brawns than brains. not a lot of morals. full of hate and rage. always sounds angry. even if amused. doesn’t talk much. speaks in grunts n gruffs n glares. talks weirdly, goes off tangents a lot.

not book smart but v street smart. don’t bullshit him bc it’ll just piss him off.

once he sets his mind to something that’s it, game over. dont try and change his mind.

ALSO tryna be a better man for his fam. goes to therapy (rarely!!), cut down on drinking A LOT tho sometimes has his moments, smokes privately. works out a lot, does DIY a lot, but also taken on hobbies that require a lot of patience like knitting, gardening, fishing.

POSSIBLE CONNECTIONS

childhood friends - vince had a lot more space in his heart for people outside of his family when he was younger. he was more sociable, approachable. wasn’t exactly a social butterfly but had a group of friends etc. that he deeply cared for

kobra kidz on the block - vince’s dad and step-mom were both cobra members. so people he grew up with due to their affiliations? old time friends, old time enemies. frenemies. anything. vince was very vocal about his disregard for the gang tbh. could’ve boxed together etc.

annoyance - a younger chara that just won’t leave him alone lmao. maybe a cobra, maybe not. could be anything.

baby sitter - vince has a daughter called rosie who is 13 y/o. she’s a lil hard nut and hard to control (wonder who she takes after) but anyway he def needs one of these. he’d rely on them a lot.

family/friends of mimi - mimi, his late wife, was a savage. they dated from 16 to her death at age 27. she grew up around savages. she joined out of peer pressure and vince never shied away from telling her fam how much he doesn’t like them. so ppl that opposed her, maybe orchestrated/participated in her death. could be fun.

lonely - vince has only been in love with one woman + still isn’t over her but it’s been nine years and a man has needs. so someone he fucks bc he’s lonely. this person probably knows it too. maybe they’re also lonely.

ex-fling - same sitch as before but the person ended it bc vince was so detached and cold. or maybe they grew feelings and broke it off. either way, vince unintentionally hurt the other person and *charlie puth vc* they don’t talk any mo

garden patch friends - vince has rly gotten into gardening ok. has a little garden patch near where he lives in the suburbs. plants veggies, some flowers. so maybe they have similar interests or have a patch nearby and *gasp* vince can actually talk more than a sentence at a time

#outlaw.intro #// this is unnecessarily long #and has drained my brain #but if anyone wants to plot hit da like #also if u have d*scord pls holla cos #tumblr ims are @@@@@

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notnatawree · 2 years

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May 2022: Goodbye, school.

today was my last day of school. well, until i finally figure out what truly interests me, and if what truly interests me requires a graduate degree or beyond, then so be it. but if not, so long formal education.

funny that it took me until quite literally the very end to realize this, but i don’t think i commended myself enough on how i’ve been able to go through school in a household deeply embedded and bound by a paralyzing chaos. and if i didn’t choose to live at home, commute, and save money this last year, i wouldn’t be able to afford the illustrious european summer which i have gifted myself as an ode to all my dreams. you win some, you lose some.

when i was 17 years old taking ap physics, my boyfriend and i were on the backyard deck of my childhood home putting together the catapult [spray painted in gold, of course] for my final project, when we hear absolute commotion and utter madness emerging through the window screens.

my mom and sister would fight a lot. they have a terribly complicated relationship. one, that i think is full of love. but even more so, one that is full of a mutual love for my father. part of my child self loves my dad, for introducing me to a fun little six-string instrument, and perhaps some traits like charm and charisma. but beyond that, i feel nothing. my mom and sister do not share this. they wouldn’t dare to admit it, but they do.

they’re also incredibly alike. same personality types, if by chance, and ultimately think and behave with the same stubbornness that i seek in absolutely no relationship. i can’t stand people who can’t reason. i love them; can’t stand them. that’s what makes familial relationships so complex.

i told my boyfriend to stay outside while i went in to check on what’s going on, i notice a massive bulging bruise(?) emerging from my mother’s forehead. seriously, i thought she was going to die from internal bleeding and i was terrified. she called the cops on my sister and she stayed in juvi for the proceeding weeks. i remember they were always fighting, so it provided me some relief.

they always went back and forth. my mom provoking her, she provoking my mom. it wouldn’t stop. two stubborn people, too stubborn to stop, too prideful to truly want what’s best for our family, too unaware to admit they’re hurting. having to carry the burden of everyone’s bullshit while somewhat fostering my own success was difficult.

today, april 29 at 12:30, i signed out of the last ever class that i’ll take at berkeley. it was anticlimactic, although, i didn’t expect it to provide me some life-changing revelation. i had mediterranean food with my sister afterwards, and she made a comment on how she couldn’t get a job because her record was in fact not clean, being that there was an error in the process of removing her juvenile record. when i came back and told my mom, i was brought back into this world.

this world of being young, fearful of my future, stressed that my family will never understand the places i want to see, the person i wish to become. my mom called my sister a bitch, and told me “fuck you,” today within the span of eight minutes. she will never accept the role she played, or acknowledge even the slightest bit of guilt. i wish i were tickled, but sadly i wasn’t. i’m saddened by the fact that the more i grow, the further we’ll grow apart. but ultimately. my future leaves me no choice.

i know i’ve been disadvantaged by this in ways. but i can’t help to think: fuck. i can kind of thrive in shitty environments. i can thrive under stress. i can thrive when my social life goes to shit. i can thrive when my partner and i fight. i think i’ve semi-mastered the skill of separating the personal from the professional. maybe it’s bad, maybe it’s good. maybe it’s somewhere in the middle and that’s what im leaning towards.

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abhimannue · 5 years

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Calling out the bullshit cop-out tactics used by nihilists, to justify their own intellectual laziness in order to absolve themselves of any personal responsibilities of actually living in a dignified and meaningful life.

Oops. the title is a tad bit long. I guess i’m trying im trying to attract some trouble with this one.

It’s very likely that since the time that cavemen were capable of thinking beyond where they can hunt down their next big buffalo, there was one lazy limping fool who just went “this is bullshit. How long are we going to hunt like this. Whats the point. we’re going to die anyway”. If the whole tribe thought that way we wouldn’t be here today like, 100,000 years or whatever later. That line of thought should have died with that damn fool - but that’s the problem with ideas. Even the bad ones outlive the brain that thought it, and it spreads faster than fucking ebola because words are disembodied vermin and ideas are non biological meme pathogens. That idea of “whats the point, no one cares, it’s all made up, it doesn’t matter” has made it through to this day and age - made utterly poetic with Carl Sagan’s Pale Blue Dot monologue by making the Human Endeavor sound banal and insignificant in the larger scale of things. Here’s the fundamental flaw in the assumptions on which Nihilistic, Moral relativistic (i’m going to call this group NRs for the ease) world view rest - that we are the end product, and that history ends with us, and life is going to confine itself to earth. It doesn’t consider the possibility that the human race has the potential to actually conquer the whole universe. It ignores everything about humanity that makes it light years ahead of our distant relatives. We have literally bent the laws of physics to use it to our advantage. In the cosmic scale we may be insignificant today. But look what we started as, what’s to say that we won’t one day be on every planetary system? Imagine if the first single celled organism on earth said, “fuck it, whats the point”. Using the same damn cosmic scale, our time has just begun. It’s just seconds that we’ve been here. Who knows where we can end up. To think we’re not significant speaks to the highest abstraction of Low Self Esteem issues. We’re going to go intergalactic one day. The whole “It doesnt matter because we’re going to die” is another way of admitting that significance can only assigned to an individual life starting at birth and ending at death. Bullshit. Individual life is a single unit in a continuous spectrum called Life with a big L and what we do has a ripple effect going into the future and around us. It speaks to the utter selfishness and self centered-ness and myopic vision of individual life if we assume that we are no more than our assigned 80 years. Afterlife or no afterlife. rebirth or no rebirth, what we do has butterfly effects. Our actions can resonate through time in ways we can’t even predict or imagine. Therefore the onus to live valiantly, to live big, to choose right (and to strive to be as aware as we can so that we can make the right choice) falls squarely on our shoulders. Nihilism, is a convenient cop out that absolves you from doing the hard work of living well in an unpredictable and harsh world instead of being bold enough to face this son-of-a-bitch head on. The moral relativistic stand that follows from nihilism, that since “it doesn't matter, values don’t matter, so i can do what i want and you can do what you want who are we to judge is also Bullshit. Values have hierarchies. Some values are better than others. Our need to respect diversity has been pushed ahead so far that we are just afraid to challenge ethical standpoints obviously morally reprehensible. Philosophies and Religions are the amalgamation of values transmitted through stories in order to inform humanity about transcendent ideals that will maximize human prosperity for the longest possible extent. The ideas have evolved and will continue to evolve until we learn to how implement the most suitable ones for stages of development of the human civilization. The quest to identify the right code of moral living has not ended yet. “Anything goes as long as we’re chill” is just the refusal to do the hard work of examining the merit of a moral stand point over another and battling it out, out of fear of confrontation and disharmony. Political correctness has made us intellectually weak. I have to call out the bullshit of atheists here because their understanding of religion is too juvenile and they choose to debate/fight/attack bigots who actually are incapable of articulating the rationale behind their beliefs. Religion in its most benign for takes the most complex philosophies and turns them into codes of conduct and articulates them in story structures so that they are easy to transmit and imbibe. To dismiss religion is to throw the baby out with the bath water. The call of the hour is to tell the old stories with the words of today. The perennial truths will always be constant.

Big Question – whats the point of saying this? What is the call to action? What are we to do with these facts?

1) Either nothing matters, or everything matters. We must live as if we are responsible for our lives and making it better instead of just getting by.

2) We must rediscover our value systems by wrestling with it everyday until we have re-established our own ethical standards we can apply to navigate our lives.

3) Use our imaginations to create new cultural artifacts that communicate the transcendent ideals to live by and strive to live up those ideals.

What will help achieve? A new humanity. A better humanity. Yes, of course it matters.

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we-do-recover-together-blog · 7 years

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so its been a slow start on here but i havent had this tumblr for more then 24 hours still trying to figure out how to use this thing but i figured id tell a little bit about my story, when i was young i used to live with my mom my grandma aunt and uncle, mom was 17 when she had me and well at the least to say she wasnt quiet ready to be a mother then. she was always out with friends and partying and would leave me wit my aunt or uncle. i was very close with my aunt if anything she was the closest thing to a mother figure i had in my life i felt safe with her, the only person i ever felt safe with was her and that still stands to this day shes the only person in the world that never turned her back on me and never gave up on me she always took me out before valentines day to get gifts for my little crushes threw out school i could tell her things i couldnt even tell a best friend or counselor she was my safe haven. But sometimes my uncle would baby sit me and he would do inappropriate things to me and touch me and i was so young and i didnt know it wasnt okay i didnt know wwhat it was at all really until i got older and i was ashamed of it and felt like less of a man and really it took till i was about 21 years old to finally come out and say it of course i was only strong enough to say it to the only person i trusted to keep it a secret i was and still am a little bit ashamed of it and its something i need to work on but back to my story eventually with my mom struggling with addiction herself she would get kicked out of my grandmas sometimes so she would grab me put me in the car and we would just drive around all night i cant tell you how many countless nights i spent in the back of her car sleeping or at some strangers house., well eventually i cant remember how old i was exactly but i guess she just got tired of being the part time mom she was and i remember her bringing me to visit my dad who lived with my other grandma grandpa my uncle and my 2 aunts well we walked in the door and everyone was there in the living room just talking but as soon as they saw us it was like the world stopped and they just stared at us well turns out my mother was going on a vacation for a week with her new boyfriend well it turned out that week turned into weeks and longer with out calls or anything she just took off eventually one day we got a call and its the first time i can remember talking to her since she left and she was in jail she came back into my life sorta kinda just in and out until i was in 7th grade thats when i started t get out of control and full of anger and hate and was very rebellious the typical im gonna do what i want when i want how i was and no one can tell me shit about it getting suspended from school getting into fights you name it that was me i was a jerk of a brother a mean son and a worst nightmare for people i didnt like i wasnt scared of anything weather it was fighting jail or cops for years my mother was asking me to give her another chance and move in with her she was never around or home and she didnt really care what i did so i moved in with my mom and from there i fell into a group of older kids that liked to do drugs and fight and pretty much do any and everything that you shouldnt do and to me it was fun i felt cool and ilike doing whatever i wanted if i got arrested my mom wasnt home to ground me or atleast enforce it so i just continued to do whatever i wanted countless arrests and suspensions from school and the drinking and drugging i didnt realize till my most recent years the older kids were just using me because i wasnt really scared to do or say anything perfect little side kick well eventually my mother found a bowl i hadfor getting high and she kicked me out so i moved back to my home town but with my grandparents they are the sweetest souls i have ever met but they were old school and were not very strict so smoking pot and drinking where completely normal especially in my family i first overdosed when i was 15 years old i took about 70 something sleeping pills that the kids in my town started taking because they were untraceable on a drug and blood test like i said that was just my first overdose and yes it terrified my family but didnt faze me one bit not even a year later when i was 16 i overdosed on pcp started hanging out in a bad neighborhood and doing just about any and every drug available even after watching one of my bestfriends drop to the ground from the pcp just minutes before i did i woke up in a hospital bed still unfazed by it honestly i think a part of my thought it was “cool” and at that point i thought well i over dosed twice and still woke up so nothing can touch me at that point i was so wrapped up in drugs that my emotions were non existing and my thought process was just fuck it.the drinking and drugging just got worse the partying continued the arrests never ended cant think of a night that didnt end in running from the cops when i was 17 i first tried heroin i had a friend that sold it and we would go drink at his house and i found some in the bathroom so i tried it and well at the least to say that was the day my life completely i slowly continued to use it but not to the point where i needed it atleast i thought that shortly after i found out that 2 of my cousins were using heroin to of course i didnt tell them i was until we ended up running into eachother in the ghetto so we all started getting high together hiding in abandon buildings and shooting up heroin at this point smoking crack and shooting up cocaine too, two days in a row i overdoses on heroin and xanax the people i was with ran my pockets when my breathing stopped and threw me on the side of the roadluckly i was found by someone and brought to a hospital still wasnt fazed when i woke up and went home went to sleep woke up the next day and got high again in all of these events i was also in and out of the county jail like it was my second home eventually my family got on my ass so i went to a rehab for 28 days just to get them off my back, first day home i told my grandpa i was going to see a few friends and went right back to getting high the same day i got out of rehab. i started hanging out with this girl i met in rehab second time we hangout i end up overdosing again on heroin and alcohol thats when i found out i had hep C but im sure if my track record doesnt prov to be the same that didnt faze me either right back to using eventually i get arrested and charged with 3rd degree burglary get locked up in the county for two months and it violates my juvenile probation and i get sent to a juvenile prison, i stay there for about 18 months while im there my cousins are hanging out and one of them over doses and my cousin and our “friend” freak out instead of calling an ambulance they clean her up and tuck her under a blanket in the hotel room they were in and they leave her a few days later room service finds the body i find out about a week later and well i think the fact of being in jail and not seeing it with my own eyes just made it hard to believe that the cousin that used to babysit me that grew up with me was gone forever and i never got to say goodbye..and it doesnt stop there maybe two weeks later i get a letter and find out my other cousin killed herself. she just couldnt handle the shame she felt for leaving my one cousin in that hotel room .not gonna really get into details about how i felt after losing both of them because its almost impossible to describe.about a year later i finally get out and i move in with my aunt her fiance and my baby cousin i was on parole so i had expectations to meet like outpatient counseling so about 2 months after being out im doing good staying clean doing good with outpatient and my curfew well i wake up the day after my 21 birthday i wake up to a text that my bestfriend of 18 years is dead and that pretty much destroyed me and broke me down i started drinking and skipping outpatient or showing up drunk i shut down and pushed myself into the dark again i was trying to get parole to violate me and send me back i just gave up but it never happened and the day i got off i moved out of my aunts and with my friend in philly well that was all just party party party. at the time i was talking to a girl who i thought at the time was my life partner and all that bullshit but i was just blinded by after 2 years of nothing but jail and parole rules she was just the first female who gave me her attention well while i was in philly we were all drinking and me and her broke up i was drunk and emotional and i well i went into the bathroom and i took 3 90 count scripts of depression medicine and i took them all i took 270 pills give or take a few and tried to kill myself 10 minutes after i took them i blacked out well all i can say is i must have a a seriously bad ass guardian angel or i have a very big and meaningful purpose in life because i woke up the next day weak unable to move and throwing up non stop all the pills i took. it took me about three days to get back to me then i went back to jersey with my uncle not long after that i get hooked back on heroin and cocaine again and my life just well i can say i never been so low the insanity of it all is just well insane everyday i woke up and NEEDED drugs in one day i would think a million times how much happier i would be if i just ended the suffering if i just drove the car into the wall as fast as i could and just end the suffering, my mind was such a dark scary place i wouldnt wish it on anyone and if i didnt always want to get high just one more time if i didnt want to feel that rush one more time im sure i probably would have killed myself, one day i was getting high with my gf at the time and i was just i dont really know what happened but its like time froze and i saw who i was when i got out of jail and how bad things got and how far out there i was so i reached out to the only person i knew i could trust and that would help me my aunt and the next day she checked me into a hospital and i detoxed there while i was there my aunt and my mom found me a halfway house to move into..out of state, they didnt want me to end up like my cousins did the found me a sobor living home and a plane ticket and they went above and beyond to save me. so i moved and i was terrified that id fail i was in the halfway house for about 3 1/2 months to 4 and i turned into a completely different person that i never thought i could be i was happy and going to meetings and sharing and i met a girl and i fell head over heals for her the second i laid eyes on her shes been strong for me stood by my side and made me believe i could be more then a guy working as a cook and just barly making it that i can have that nice house and i can g=have a nice car or go back to school that i can build a family of my own it took me a while to realize or should i say believe in myself to be honest i didnt start fully believe in myself until 2 months ago since me and her have been together i have stolen money from her to get high on multiple occasions i have lied to her and flipped her brand new mustang going to get high i have snuck out and left her alone in bed to go get high she bought me a plane ticket to go home on my birthday for a week to see my family and my first day home i overdosed on heroin i have left her on three occasions because i broke the law and went to jail the first time was for 2 months for aggravated assault and she answered every call wrote me letters came to every court date she visited me and she stayed by my side the whole time.not even 5 days after i got out i stole her car and money to get high even after everything she did for me a month later i got arrested again and charged wit domestic assault for splashing her with water yea i know it sounds stupid but i was piss drunk and got out of control well she bailed me out of jail my drinking continued to get worse and i came home one night from work very very drunk and i snapped and i actually put my hands on her i hit the woman that did nothing but stand by my side and believe in me and give me chance after chance she carried my child the first time i went to jail and we lost it from all the stress she was under from supporting her child and paying rent all on her own a few months after she bailed me out we got pregnant again our own little baby boy Carter well our little baby boy wasnt so healthy and was in pain so we had to make the decision to abort it was what we thought best for him while she was pregnant i went behind her back and was talking to a female that i shouldnt have been talking to and said things i shouldnt have said while being in a relationship with this wonderful woman who has done nothing but fight for me and stand by my side well on july 27th i went back to jail again and stayed for about 2 months for violating my probation still this woman stood by my side answered every call and again came to court this was when i finally realized i was still being defeated by my addiction and while in jail i decided im not gonna be that person i was because i have a choice it is my life and i wont be weak anymore i started going the the steps again for real this time and taking every step to better myself and well guess who bailed me out of jail again? you guessed it she did and now i have been home for 6 days and i have trouble sleeping so i decided to make this blog to share my story help others like me most importantly help myself and not i am sitting in bed next to my girlfriend and my only thoughts are why didnt i take advantage of this time with her and also how easy recovery can be if you really try i mean we tried pretty hard to get high or stay high just half of that effort will save your life its saving mine usually nights like this id be searching the house for a car key that my gf has to hide from me so i dont steel her car but today all i care about is spending and enjoying every moment with this woman and what would be my next step that would be best for my family and me its gonna be a long road and a hard fight but i know i can do it just like i know you can do it stay strong everyone never give up and remember you are worth it and you are worth saving

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for-the-brokenhearted · 5 years

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1/23/2020

i am actually getting freaked out about how much time is passing without me logging in or anything. a lot of course has happened in the 7+ months ive been gone. its like a fucking pregnancy

ive literally been gone almost long enough to have a fucking child. i should start writing in here more, bobbi even suggested that. i had a meltdown at her house a couple of weeks ago and she gave me some really great advice....jase too.

i was upset bc craig and i had another fight. we had just gotten back from ny and i got sick with sinus infection and pink eye. wonderful. he came over and gave me some schpeel about...wait...schpiel? shpealllll....shpiel??

*clears throat*

....about how he would like for us to be a couple that has great self discipline and shit... blah blah blah. im so annoyed. not only was it the most imperfect timing (me feeling as bad as i look) but as if i already didnt feel like shit.

this september, on MY birthday actually, we had a huge blowout bc i just couldnt take it anymore. i was sick of feeling fat, imperfect, ugly, not fit, all that jazz.

what caused it all was him pointing out how i had bad posture while driving to his house. i fucking lost my shit.

“WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP POINTING OUT MY INSECURITIES I FEEL LIKE IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU IM SICK OF THIS SHIT I SHOULD NOT FEEL THIS BAD ABOUT MYSELF ALL THE TIME AND IM SICK OF THE PASSIVE AGRESSIVE COMMENTS YOU MAKE ABOUT ME AND MY BODY AND I FEEL LIK EVERY TIME YOU TOUCH ME ITS LIKE YOU’RE EVALUATING MY BODY FAT”

to be fair, i shoudlnt have blown the fuck up. but come on. i had been dealing with this shit for over two years. since float fest, maybe even before that. which is awful bc i shouldnt feel so bad everytime i look in the mirror.

when im with my boyfriend or future husband or whatever...i should feel like the most beatufiyl person, inside and out. like i can tell him EVERYTHING and not feel like i have to lie to protect myself.

this is just scary bc the bottom line is lately i havent felt like that. in a long time. like prob over a year. which sucks.

anyways, the solution i came up with was to not talk about food, health, or fitness for 3 months. yup. i laid down the law.

but at the same time, i needed to. this had really manifested itself into something super super ugly. where when we went out to eat i would order what i would think he would WANT me to order, not bc he said anything, but bc of the pressure i felt whether that was coming from him or me.

i would also lie about getting fast food by myself or feel happy when i would skip a meal bc it was less calories- these are very unhealthy behaviors and i did tons more.

i felt like the little commesnt like grande girl or glutton girl really got to me and he probably felt like he could make those comments safely bc i wasnt fat or unhealthy. but he made me feel like it.

im still working on it everyday, but right now im hitting a wall.

Bobbi told me to start writing more bc i think the stream of consciousness helps me cope. and i know shes right. i tell craig the same thing and he says it helps him gather his thoughts and whatnot.

i went over to her house freaking out bc i found myself in a state where i’m afraid of everything- this is actually my current state. i just had a major realization.

im afraid of love. marriage. committment.. running. exercising. living together. moving forward- even though that's everything i want

craig also said that he felt like hes not allowed to touch me and we havent had sex in a while. bobbi pointed out that this is probably bc i wasnt taking care of myself and bc I didnt like MYSELF so i didnt want anyone near me.

she was def right about that.

so i started doing more for myself and prioritizing the things i needed to do over everything else. its been nice. i even took a bath today. and the thing is craig is happy when i do things for myself like that. which is great.

but im still defensive and i still reject physical touch. i dont feel that kind of love i felt for craig at the beginning and he probably knows that. weve been through so much and ifeel like i dont know what to do.

i feel like were so unhealthy and i feel like things are always so fucking hard. i mean you know whats batshit crazy....? weve been dating for almost 5 motherfucking years.

im so upset. not that weve been dating for that long, but because i feel like were still in such a juvenile spot. i got made earlier in 2019 bc craig is JUST NOW thinking about marriage and is having a forward thinking mindset. justnow. i am 25. im just sick of dating someone younger than me sometimes.

i want to be lead. i want someone whos there for me. i want security, reliabiolity, etc.

last night we atually got into an arguemnt over bobbi and jase: tl;dr i feel like hes weird aroudn them and didnt liek the fact that he says a ton of outlandish negative untrue bullshit about jase and its not even true. its just based off of the “vibes” he gets. i dont do that. i try to be as kind as i can to everyone and i just feel like he has a lack of tolerance. i dont like that. i want him to have a good heart and treat everyone as they should be regardless of their background, unhealthy habits etc.

i just feel like maybe the more we grow old or whatever, the less compatible were getting. and im exhausted. i dont feel like dating anyone else i dont even feel like dating him sometimes.

something cool we did discover, along with the fact that i need to take care of myself more is that in the relationship i have alwasy been “on” or “on call” in a way of alwasy being alert and never at rest bc i feel like he needs me to show up somewhere and in a way it was my way of showing that i cared about the relationship bc it was always top of mind, wrong. i am tired and maybe thats why i always got on his ass about random bullshit bc i felt like i was always putting in way more effort than he was, bc i was. in a bad way.

I'm really lost and i don't know what to do. I've been in new Orleans (still am) for Kaltura connect and its been super fun to meet a ton of cool people. but i am so tired, I worked almost a 12 hour day yesterday and conferences are exhausting.

maybe im feeling this way bc I'm tired? i just hope we get it back even though sometimes it feels like we wont’. our relationship has always been so volatile form the very beginning and i was hoping that over time it would get better. in some ways it has, in some ways it hasnt.

i look at couples and marriage photos and see the love and the joy these other people experience and i wonder if i will ever get that. sometimes with craig i think yes, but sometimes i think no. what if this ends. i know ill be okay if it does but obviously thats not ideal. the thing is that were not even married and i dont feel that now, will i ever? will it come back? im praying for an amazing and safe but spontaneous love and ive been praying that for a while, i just dont know if ill ever get that with him. is this God telling me this is the end? then again, ive felt like this before

like last year 12.23.18 when craig called me a slut and called my family psychos at the slc track bc i accidentally threw keys at my face. it took me the majority of 2019 to get over that. and to get over the fact that 4 months later i was going to be fired from wells fargo.

bottom line is im getting older and i feel like i don't have time for stupid bullshit or to feeol bad about myself, but the problem is that i still do. maybe this is just the beginning of the end. we love each other so much- i really do and i mean it. sometimes i feel like i could never be this comfortable with anyone ever again, but then again i said that last time with chad.

fuckkkkkkkkk i hate feeling like this. i hate being so unsure about everything and feeling like shit. i feel lonely bc sometimes our disagreements are so bad. i just want him to grow up and get over htis shit or maybe its just time to move on.

hes already done some growing up but i cant keep banking on that to happen in a long term plan bc what happens if he doesnt..... then what.

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kampasaur-blog · 6 years

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MY CITY IS BEING DESTROYED BY CHILDREN

So im picking up my son from monroe elementary after his bus ride home from camp. Bus arrives. I get out of the car and immediately i notice nearly all of the children, some with large bright red marks on both of their cheeks, sobbing so inconsolably that they could not breathe. Some were runnin away from the bus frantically lookin for their parents and some were already clutching their parents tightly and bawling, burying their lil tear soaked faces into their parents stomachs. they kept saying "please i dont ever wanna go back there, i dont wanna do this again, dont make me do this anymore, i was so scared, i didnt know what to do" let me tell you....these babies had the most traumatized faces ive personally ever seen on a kid and it just broke me. At this point i am very confused, concerned, and alarmed. my instincts kick in to try and help a little so i try to comfort some of em. im askin other parents what happened, but they understandably couldnt pay me attention as im sure their minds were probably as lost in all of this as mine. I keep aimlessly sayin wtf is going on and why is everybody crying like this. I start askin some of them if theyre hurt or if there was an accident but they couldnt even speak cuz they were too hysterical. Im trying to calm some of them down a bit like "hey its ok baby dont cry ur ok ur safe." still friggin looking around for adults who arent too absorbed in this mess to ask them wtf is happening. at the same time im searchin for my own kid in the crowd tellin ppl "hey, i cant find my son! is there another bus coming?!" A little girl said no this is the only one. So now im REALLY WORRIED. WHERE THE FUCK IS MY CHILD?! I run into a kid nate knows. him and a little girl are shouting, to what seems like essentially nobody in particular, about having the police called on them by the driver and that they coulda been tossed in juvi. (Honestly they should have been tossed in juvi! this particular kid brought a knife to camp and steals shit constantly from the kids at school especially my son) Grabbed his shoulder and said "calm yourself down and look at me! why?! what happened?! was there a fight? were u involved? Was nathan involved? Where is he??" The boy, (still shouting for some damn reason even tho he is right in front of me), says no nathan wasnt involved. He doesnt know where he is. (Turned out he knew where he was but lied cuz just minutes prior he threatened to beat him up and tried punching him, the little fucker, but staff grabbed his arm midswing) Then he tells me that almost the entire bus was gettin into fight after fight and there were kids punching, slapping, verbally abusing other kids, a lot of whom did nothing to warrant the abuse and continued being abused repeatedly for almost the ENTIRE 3 FUCKING HOUR RIDE, by much older kids whom they were afraid to defend themselves against. I was like "omg this is terrible. where in the hell is my son!" Some guy finally says "they are keepin some kids with staff up by the front of the bus" so i literally gotta force my way thru people who's kids were still hanging off of them in fear. now im crying, other parents are crying, some are screamin at the children who beat up their kids and the children who beat up their kids were screamin at them..... FINALLY.... I find nate. He had been slapped in the face by a 12 yr old girl but he was alright. they had made prior note of his behavioral disorder and quickly got him away from the situation while on the bus and sat him by camp staff. thank goodness. Im asking him, "are u ok?! did anyone hit u?!" before he can answer, suddenly i see an enraged mother almost attack an older girl who hit her kid in the head. The girl is shouting at the jefferson staff member who stepped in AND the mother. She yells out that she hit her in the head, at first, then 2 seconds later she says she didnt, and shouts "yea yea lady! bye bye! fuck off! shut up!!! i didnt hit her!! quit runnin ur damn mouth!! Shut your mouth!!". My. Jaw. Dropped. I saw her gramma or whoever she was doing absolutely nothing about this little shits behavior, actually trying to get the staff to stop speaking to her and leave her alone, and thats when i just plain SNAPPED. When i say snapped folks i mean i damn near deadass rowdy roddy pipered this child. It took every muscle i had to stop that train from derailing. I was pissed. Told her shes an awful disrespectful little shit and will go no where in life with that bullshit. She was like "thank u! Thanks bye! BYE!" Thats when i probably should have split. But i didnt. Conveniently forgot how to adult for a minute there. My bad! She was a repugnant little fart sniffing booger eater who felt a lil too validated from decking a much smaller kid in the head and just, just....fuck THAT... Then i word barfed. "good riddance to bad rubbish youre an awful AWFUL child and should be ashamed of yourself. Shame on you!" i looked at her gramma and shouted "good luck with your apparent lack of being able to deal with that mess of a child! Shes terrible! You have failed!" then basically i walked away tellin her shame on her for sucking. ****************************** A 16 yr old was shot n killed recently. A pastor was shot and killed recently. We got all ages of unsupervised kids vandalizing everything in site. Kids shootin off guns in parkin lots, stealin vehicles n crashin into buildings. breakin into cars 4 valuables or just breakin the windows cuz they feel like it. We got kids having knife fights n runnin round with gd knives, tellin other kids theyre gonna cut em or kill their siblings if they dont hand over cell phones money bikes hover boards u name it. Kids breakin into ppls homes. Kids stealing n vandalizing walmart 2-3 times a day. Kids stealin carts bringing em here and pushing each other around into ppls cars n then they run away. They beat on my son at school n bully him all the time stealin his things verbally abusing him. He got beat up by teenagers just playin with his toys in the backyard! Theres just hoards of em. Never supervised or disciplined. Not once have i seen the parents of any of the kids causing problems in my apt complex regardless of whether theyre 6 or 16. sumtimes theyre out there in the parkin lots screwin around til 2 am. They plain as day are simply not being parented and have no guidance. Sum of these piece of crap parents just dont wanna have the responsibility of raising their own kids period. Sum of em run away n their parents dont see em for days weeks months but never report em missing cuz they dont care. Theyre out there sleepin in abandoned sheds houses alleys parks n gotta steal their food. 12 yr olds smokin pot and having sex in ppls yards. Even when they mess up n end up at the police station n the police either cant even find their parents or they do n theyre told "i aint dealin with it find something to do with em urself" juvenile hall is FULL. There is no where to put them. And they just run away from annie whittenmeyer n nobody does anything. Im dead tired and fed up. I hate living here and im stuck. We dont feel safe anywhere. My kids cant have friends cuz u cant trust the kids nor their parents. Nate had a lil 9 yr old buddy next door and he would come to play n his mom would just leave n lock the door without saying shit to anyone not even him. He'd go home n come back like "nobody is over there" so i had no choice but to keep him with me even if i had shit to do or it was 10 pm n we wanted to go to bed. We have GOT to spread the word about this shit and try n get sum awareness. This is a crisis we are having in the qc. Im sick of the ever escalating crime here. I dont encourage ANYONE to move here. And i absolutely hate that i gotta raise my kids around this. Create a discussion about it. Get involved. if ur readin this n u kno ur kids causing mayhem but still u do nothin dont do right or make excuses then u better recognize UR JUST AS MUCH OF A PROBLEM. if u arent gonna give enuff of a shit about ur own offsprings lives 2 check n change urself then get u n ur kid the hell out of my city n away from me n mine!!

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