#im just so shocked sometimes about how pathetic and horrible people can be. and how proud of it they are

[daydadahlias]

5sos fans will fr be like "why don't 5sos post anymore! i miss them omg!" and then they go to their concerts and hold signs publicly wishing harm on their loved ones so like idk you tell me

[burnedbyshoto]

the marriage contract

chapter one: [begin this journey.]

— Just because your soulmate is Bakugou Katsuki doesn’t mean that he’s the one meant for you; in fact, he’s your worst enemy. With trouble brewing across the way, and with no one able to complete this job except you and Bakugou, there’s nothing you can do except go along with the mission. But wait, what?! You’re supposed to be married?!

pairing: pro hero!bakugou katsuki x pro hero fem!reader

chapter warnings: cursing

word count: 4,093

a/n: in this enemies to lovers story, only you get to decide whether you remain enemies, or if you succeed in becoming lovers. the choice to make is at the end of the story, good luck :D also, background on your quirk (sorry, I had to give you a quirk in order for this to work the way i see fit.) I won’t lie, im really nervous about all this... hopefully this is fun and won’t come and bite me in the ass.

Quirk: Water Sprout - using water from your body, you are able to extract and then use the water (that comes from your body or has come in direct contact with your fingertips) freely. Drawbacks include constant dehydration, dizziness, headaches.

bolded choice is the answer. ~ {masterlist}

[Begin this journey.]     [Turn back now.]

relationship status: enemies.

“You’re fucking with me, right?”

Cosmic and gods, there was nothing in this world that proved these existed.

Nothing.

Nothing in this world could show the nonbeliever that there was an outside force in the world that made people suspect that there were otherworldly ties. Not the appearance of quirks, which was proven to be a genetic mutation as part of humans' evolution, and even the sudden and ancient appearance of The Contract did anything to solidify this - well, at least to some.

Quirks were easy to understand.

Powers, drawbacks, uniqueness.

Oh, it was something that was still so new to the world that people enjoyed it so, but for The Contract, oh how that was different.

The Contract was what was the name of the world wide know phenomenon more known merely as soulmates. Everyone had a fated one, and you would know who they were because every once in a while, a simple choice would appear before you.

A this or that situation.

You would pick one of the options, and somewhere out in the world, there was a person who, despite their own free will, would succumb to your choice. It was as simple as choosing to make someone double knot or single knot their shoes, or sometimes as hard as pulling the plug on a stranger, you had no idea existed. But it had been generations since it had first appeared, and people had grown to accept the inevitable. Which, in turn, brought out new problems.

Soulmates, while fundamentally and theoretically excellent and good, seemed to shock people by the work that needed to be put into them to succeed. Two souls that were perfect for each other didn’t guarantee two people were perfect for one another. The blind, false, true love these people bragged and teetered on was ridiculous and often led to horrible breaks within soulmate bonds. People did not understand that soulmates - just as any other relationship - needed time to fester and grow. It wasn’t an over the counter remedy, it was two people trying to find similarities other than the gods and the cosmics wanting this.

It was rather rough, to say the least.

Most people didn’t mind the growth, waiting for their soulmate to become the person meant for them. Others, well, you were the perfect example of it.

Your entire life, you had thought your soulmate was an asshole, well, scratch that, he IS an asshole. Every chance he got, he would always pick the worst of the two options. He chose for you to reject pursuers in your school days, to trip your siblings, to yell at your parents when you were upset. He picked for you to get up early in middle school and train, to study for tests right when you were about to go out with friends. He was obviously picking the worst things for you (not that you were any better), and so by the bitter age of fifteen when you were put into Shiketsu High School, you were glad to pledge to be someone who wouldn’t accept the soulmate shit for anything.

If he was your soulmate, so be it, but he would never be your lover.

Things in high school and your last year of middle school went reasonably well, the choices the two of you had to make were simple enough. The worst one you remember seeing late one night at the beginning of summer break during your last year of middle school, two options illuminating before you.

[Accept his offer.]     [Decline his offer.]

There was no context for your choice.

But there had been a pit in your stomach, something telling you to chose the bottom one, and you did. Nothing consequential came from that, and you forgot about it with time.

High school went on with usual choices; both of you continue to choose the lesser of two options from what you could tell. The worst thing was rejecting your senior who had asked you out on a date (something he had told you to keep a secret from the school officials), and you had really wanted to go on a date with him… but nonetheless, you survived. Fresh out of high school with your official Hero License under your belt, you had been accepted into Rising Agency, a very new agency founded by a class older than you over at Yuuei - Class 1-A.

The prominent faces being hero Deku, Ground Zero, and Shouto.

Somehow you had passed the interview selection and had been accepted, and your first day went horribly. On account of your quirk, Water Sprout, you had woken up with a mouth drier than a desert, and like you always did, you grabbed your liter bottle and went to chug.

Only two options popped before your eyes the moment you moved the water to your parched mouth.

[Spill the water.]     [Safely drink the water.]

You had tried your hardest to get your lip to the opening, but you knew better. During the time The Contract appeared, time literally froze. Your soulmate was given up to fifteen seconds to choose the answer before the first choice was automatically selected. You had tried to suppress the scream at the back of your throat when the cold, cold water came splashing down on your chest. Spraying all over your bed.

The scream you made when you were soaked to the bone no doubt made your soulmate smile wherever he was.

So you were glad when his options appeared before you a few minutes later.

[Break the sink faucet.]      [Turn off the water.]

With a sniff, you held no remorse when your hand jammed out and hit the option he deserved.

You had arrived at the agency's front door within the next hour, your most formal business clothes were worn fresh and sharp. Your hand held your case with your hero costume and nerves at your stomach. This was it, you had thought, your hands sweating profusely, your mouth so dry you felt faint, and with a quick chug of your water, you entered the facility.

The agency smelled like Pine-Sol and sweets, and you found the front desk immediately but were off-put by a man who was already there. His back hunched over, arms crossed, and placed onto the counter as he seemed to be arguing with the receptionist.

Nearer and nearer you drew, and the more you began to recognize just who the man was: Ground Zero.

Calm down, calm down, calm down.

Your heart hammered viciously in your chest as you were finally in earshot of the conversation - it seemed that he was fighting over his new time slots for his routine patrols. But you were no stranger to his… vivacious temperament, and instead of addressing him first, you figured it was in the best interest to simply ask the receptionist what your first steps should be.

But as you opened up your mouth, your internal monologue of what to say blaring on repeat so that you wouldn’t mess up, the world froze, and you panicked.

[Ace the introduction.]      [Fumble the introduction.]

The world was still for five seconds, but never did you ever once experience someone moving within The Contract. So, when Ground Zero’s hand moved and punched in an option that was mirrored right in front of your mouth, you immediately felt the blood in your cheeks from seeing him recoil back to your heart faster than you could blink.

“Hi, I’m Hero, and I’m new? I’m looking for the y/l/n room?”

Horror struck through you immediately at the realization.

Ground Zero was yours...?

He was your…?!

You saw red.

“Hah? What kind of introduction was -- WHAT THE FUCK?!”

Your fist throbbed pathetically still curled near his face, and Ground Zero’s blazing, burning red gaze matched the blood pouring from his busted nose as you panted like a corned animal.

“YOU MADE ME WET MY BED, ASSHOLE!”

So went your first interaction with your soulmate.

Your fist connecting and shattering his nose. Three of his friends holding him back, and three trying to escort you away quickly. It was indeed one for the books.

But that was three years ago, and at the age of twenty-one, you could still not handle the sight, or the presence of your soulmate, and vice versa. The both of you were like oil and water, conflicting and fighting whenever left together for too long, unable to get along. He was not meant for you, and you were not meant for him - it was evident like night and day.

Right decisions were made, however, once knowing who the other one was. The both of you taking track of each other’s patrol schedules to make sure good choices were made at that time, just in case, but as soon as the other was off, payback was a bitch. The entire agency had learned that both of you were soulmates the same day the both of you found out, and there were actual looks of sorrow given to you from his friends?!

Not to mention that his nickname for you was bedwetter now, something that both infuriated and embarrassed you to this day.

Both of you were separated at all times, never once having to work together, that is, until today. A time where we find ourselves back in the beginning.

“You’re fucking with me, right?”

A part of you wanted to roll your eyes at Bakugou’s quip, but in all consideration, you agreed with him ultimately.

“Unfortunately, I’m not,” Yaoyorozu sighed, her mouth pinched and her hands passing both you and Bakugou a small stack of documents for you to read over. You took your file after placing your water bottle down and opened it immediately as Yaoyorozu continued to speak. “Kane, Bryan is an American man who has recently been on Japan’s watchlist. He is highly dangerous, evasive, and a hard man to pin anything on… all we know is that innocent people are going missing when they enter his land, and undercover heroes end up in the sea with no memories, or worse, dead.”

That took you by surprise, and your stomach twisted at that thought.

Heroes have turned up dead?

“I don’t doubt the seriousness that this Kane man brings, but no offense, Creati, why does it have to be a mission for Ground Zero and I?” you asked, your eyes flittering from the blurred photo of the man on your page onto the slightly frowning commandeer of this agency. “We aren’t exactly… a good fighting duo? If what I think you’re asking is correct, why not send in Deku and Ground Zero? They have the best duo track record, I’m sure that they’ll be able to apprehend this man better and faster than we can.”

Yaoyorozu sighed, her teeth tugging at her bottom lip while her fingers drummed on the table, obviously not comfortable telling the full explanation.

“Well, to be honest, he stays on a remote island nearby, and it’s very exclusive.”

You owlishly blinked at Yaoyorozu, who straightened in her chair, a new air of confidence flowing through her that made you almost ask if a choice had been made for her.

“Kane owns a private island that is known for its resort, and to enter the resort, there must be two truths to this,” her eyes were holding yours for a moment, they were deep, so dark that for a second you felt fear tickle at the back of your spine before she turned her attention over to Bakugou. “One: those who may enter must be in a romantic relationship.”

What?

“Two: they must be soulmates.”

“WHAT?!”

You blinked, your head snapping over at Bakugou, who had yelled the same words as you did, obviously not impressed with what they were now enforcing. Oh god, this was not what you were thinking at all!

“Why the hell does it have to check off those two boxes? I’m not going somewhere obviously dangerous and in the middle of nowhere with bed wetter!” Bakugou growled, his feet planted onto the floor as he had his upper lip pulled into a sour face of sorts. “I’ll do it with literally anyone else, ponytail!”

“Unfortunately, that’s not an option,” she sighed, her hand pushing through her bangs with a sad shake of her head. She looked tired, and her exhaustive eyes rose to meet yours, and his, and her voice was weak and oh so pleading. “There is some way they can tell if you’re soulmates, and those we sent out who weren’t already soulmates never made it in. You two are quite literally our only option, without the two of you, we don’t stand a chance.”

“So, can we act as estranged lovers then?” you questioned, your stomach twisting in the thought of having to display any sort of romantic displays with the man sitting right next to you. “We can be a couple trying to work on our relationship?”

Yayorozu gulped.

“W-We actually made profiles for the two of you…”

“And?” came Bakugou’s near whisper.

“Y-You’ll be acting as a, well, a newly married couple. This is your honeymoon… I know you two don’t have a good history, and your on field teamwork has never been tried, but I’m pleading to you two now, please consider. You have until tomorrow to tell me if you accept.”

If there had been a choice that appeared for Bakugou to make you slam your head through the desk, you would have thanked him for choosing it.

[Carry all the bags]     [Take only his bags.]

“Thank you!” you chirped with no pity for the situation you had just placed him in, the glint of a sneer flashing across Bakugou’s face was fierce as he took the bags of luggage the two of you had been given from your agency. This was it, it was starting.

The weight of what was to come of this was now starting to hit heavily, the importance of the diamond ring on your finger - a symbol of the fake marriage contract between you and Bakugou felt like a ton. There was no hiding the discomfort the both of you held when you had to act in love, your hand itching to leave his clammy, abnormally warm hands, and you never realized how he mumbled under his breath until you were forced to sit next to him on the private plane. But as you were given two days to prepare for this mission, it didn’t hit you what was happening until you unloaded from the plane.

From the initial observation of the island, you immediately recognized just why the owner was so elusive and able to keep his agenda hidden. The island's natural barriers were bright as day, the rocky mountains seemed entirely inhabitable, and the entire resort was located where the mountains met the beach. Tropics and natural waterholes existed in those parts before slowly blending into the white sand beaches with water so blue and clean that you genuinely wished you would be having a good time.

You hated having to remind yourself that you were here for the sake of a mission and not to simply lay out, well, it was easy to forget that until Bakugou was beside you, and you fought the instinctive reaction to scowl at him. In fact, with your gaze falling onto the blond-haired hero, you didn’t notice the small woman appearing from nowhere, a bright smile on her face and white linen clothes on

“Welcome to Hibani Island!” she chirped, her eyes closing in well-practiced greetings, she spoke with an accent, and with her appearance, you assumed she was American. “My name is Jane, and I’m here to welcome you to our wonderful island! May I please have your names and the choice you had upon arrival?”

Your greeting smile disappeared at that point, your head tilting in confusion, “I’m sorry, our choice?”

“Mhm!” Jane nodded enthusiastically, the same bright smile plastered on her face. “Our wonderful island works in mysterious ways! As you both know, our beautiful resort is only for those who are soulmates; after all, we would never wish to poison her beautiful nature with impure love! Upon entry, with the help of the island, I am able to procure a choice for you and your soulmate to make! Since I posed the question to you,” her glazed over eyes focused on you, “I would appreciate it if your partner answered!”

There was a silence, and it couldn’t have lasted any more than a few seconds in all reality. But in that still, you could feel the hair on the back of your neck stand straight up, there was obviously something entirely wrong here.

“A choice about who would carry the luggage in,” Bakugou calmly, smoothly answered, his voice somehow not picking up on any suspicion. “Be -- Y/n chose that I would carry them all.”

The way your name passed his lips made your spine stiffen, it felt weird, unnatural, fake.

Well, this entire thing is fake, you reminded yourself, grateful that Jane was at the moment impressed by Bakugou’s correct statement.

“Well, wonderful! I’m so glad that our island can greet two beautiful soulmates today! Your names? So that I may check you both in?”

“Nakamura Katsuki and Y/n.”

“Amazing! Let’s get you to the main lobby, and they’ll set you two love birds up!”

Thankfully, Jane was a woman who didn’t mind talking to herself the entire way over to the resort’s main lobby, she spoke wonders of how the hot springs were especially “magically” at night, and promised that a trip during that time would lead to “the best of fantasies.” The resort itself was oddly busy. Couples were everywhere, each in their own world, yet all orbiting around one another, never once mixing.

The white sundress you wore suddenly felt too simple, especially with the stupid designer wear most people were wearing.

Jane escorted you to the front desk, and with one last overenthusiastic smile, she disappeared.

“Check us in, Joo Dee just about made me fucking lose it,” Bakugou grumbled, his patience hanging on a much thinner thread than yours apparently.

“Glad to know it takes only one super smiley person to ruin your day,” you couldn’t help but snip, the rolling of your eyes only stopped when the front desk clerk began to walk over, a bright smile on his face, and his hand waving in greeting.

You opened your mouth, ready to begin talking when his welcome rang clearly in your ears, but just as it happened all those years ago, the world froze.

[Ace the introduction.]     [Fumble the introduction.]

The prideful, arrogant smirk on his face seemed to burn into your back as he stared from behind you.

“Hi, I would like it.”

Your voice gave out, and with burning cheeks, you and the front desk clerk stared at each other, the awkward silence biting into your throat. The clerks’ smile, breaking slightly in his second-hand embarrassment and wonder as to why you stopped talking, but despite wanting to continue speaking your voice refused to work again.

Bakugou Katsuki was an asshole.

“Are you here to check in?” he asked, his eyes searching yours in hopes that was what you were here for.

With a burning face, you nodded, and the check-in proceeded.

The clerk, who introduced himself as Ryan Locke, quickly checked you and Bakugou into your rooms. He pulled out a simple paper map and circled the small house - yes, small house - that the two of you would be residing in. Just as the package the two of you purchased, both of you would be here in two months, and the entire time everything would be included. Name it, and it would be brought to the room, well, house. You nodded, trying to take everything he was throwing at you in, not at all relying on Bakugou, who was standing by the window staring at the other guests with a frown on his face.

PDA was not something either one of you were comfortable with.

“Well, that’s it from me! Should you need any assistance, please do not hesitate to call!” Ryan smiles, the crinkles by his eyes creasing, even more, washing you over with ease despite the tension in your body. You heard Bakugou approach the two of you, and with him beside you, Ryan seemed to remember something as he rubbed the back of his neck. “And, there is a couples event tonight, should you and your husband want to join! Most couples do, and by the look of it, it may help re-spark things?”

A sour rancid taste crawled at the back of your throat as you awkwardly laughed, your fronts were weaker then you thought, and shook your head, “Oh no! That’s no issue! We’re actually here on our honeymoon,” your fingers pressed to your chest, your eyes trailing to where Bakugou was standing in hopes that it somehow looked romantic. Pet names were a thing, right? But what to call him? “Uh, K-Kacchan is actually super shy with PDA!”

You froze when the only nickname you’ve ever heard used toward Bakugou fumble clumsily from your tongue.

Kacchan?!

KACCHAN?!

WERE YOU SUDDENLY DEKU?!

“Oh! Yes, I understand now!” Ryan laughed, waving off his mistake, the apples of his cheeks dusting in what you could only pray to be embarrassment. “Well, if you want to help your Kacchan here express his love for you without care of the world, tonight’s session is the place to be!”

He turned and walked away with a final smile, most likely retreating to the ringing phone in the back room.

“I swear to god, do not ever call me that shitty nickname ever again, or else I’ll explode your ass,” Bakugou hissed, his hand grabbing you by the elbow as he had you in close.

“I’ll call you whatever I damn please!” you hissed back, ripping your elbow out of his hold.

You watched as his upper lip twitched, and he moved to go grab your luggage, something The Contract still held over him. You stood with the papers that Ryan had given to you, the stack of itineraries and options of what the both of you two could do while at your stay taking far more room in your arm then you thought was acceptable. Your concentration on your fake husband - as you kept vehemently reminding yourself - broke when the door opened and in walked a woman who was alone, and headphones on her ears. You offered her a smile when eye contact was made but did nothing more.

Bakugou leaned down, his hands lifting up the luggage, most definitely annoyed with rolling the large suitcases. But with the woman’s course and the way that Bakugou’s back was towards her, having not noticed her entry at all, you could see that they were going to collide. Essential items were in that suitcase, and you had no idea if they could break if Bakugou managed to drop them after crashing with her. But again, it would be payback for the embarrassing first encounter with Ryan!

But before you could make up your mind on what to do, the world froze.

[Crash into her.]     [Avoid her.]

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(make sure to vote for the choice to be chosen!)  poll closes august 30 8am pst

[descendantofthesparrow]

Shuffle Playlist - Rewrite - Part of Your World - Harry Hook x Reader - Part 14 - Discoveries

=

Evie hung one of the last dresses on the transportation rack, when a knock sounded on her door. She pushed the dresses apart for her to step on the other side and called out; “come in!” Doug entered moments later, a smile on his face.

“Hey! How was the camping trip?” Evie turned to him with furrowed brows.

“C-Camping?” Doug's smile diminished and he looked at her slightly confused.

“yeah?” He tilted his head at Evie “Carlos and Jay said you and the others went on a last-minute camping trip to relax?...is-is that not what you did?” Evie sighed, the questions running through her mind stopping as she realized what had happened.

“oh, um, yeah they lied to you” Doug looked a bit offended “you see, Ben was kidnapped on the isle” now he looked alarmed “let me finish, we saved him and saved Auradon” Doug let out a small sigh of relief and took Evie's hands.

“is everyone okay?” Evie looked off to the side for a moment “you hesitated what happened” She grimaced and shook her head a bit.

“um, well…you know how our parents are kinda pieces of shit?” Doug looked surprised at the swear but nodded “well… Harry's dad is…kinda really bad and…that didn’t turn out well on Harry's side…that’s all I’m saying” she gave a small smile and turned, grabbing some of Dizzy’s accessories that she had brought back with her and sliding some on her arm to carry easier.

“Is he okay now?” Doug asked quietly, stepping to her side and leaning into her field of vision.

“yes” Evie assured him “Mal healed him when we left the isle and he’s with (y/n) now, he should be just fine for cotillion tomorrow~” Doug nodded and gave Evie a small smile.

“that’s good, you had me really worried for a moment there, was anyone else hurt?” Evie thought for a moment then shook her head.

“Mal has a cut on her cheek but that was the worst of our end thankfully.” She gave another smile and looked back down at the accessories “you know…while I was there…I realized something” Doug put his hand on her shoulder “I was lucky enough to be given a chance, and now I need to give someone else a chance too” her mind flashed back to five months ago when Harry had asked Ben to bring Uma over, and maybe after cotillion she could ask about Dizzy?

“My uncle bashful used the say that” Doug switched the topic, sensing Evie was not in the mood to talk about what had happened on the isle with him. Evie smiled, happy with the sudden change and turned to him, her brow raised a bit.

“did he?” Doug nodded, then pursed his lips a bit.

“but, really-really quietly” Evie laughed, spinning around to face the transportation rack and gesturing to it.

“come on, we have dresses to deliver~!” Doug happily obliged to her non-verbal request and moved to the rack, pushing it as Evie pulled it out of the room.

-

Two hours later, after every dress had been delivered, Evie returned to her room and grabbed her last two outfits she had to deliver.

A red rose gown and a red and black suit.

She handed the outfits to Doug and dug into her bag again, finding the red ruby earrings with small crossbones skulls hanging from the top. “perfect” she muttered, carefully holding them in her hand and leading Doug to (y/n)s room.

She knocked on the door, humming as a couple of moments passed by and no response came. She knocked again and sighed when again no response came, she gently opened the door and cooed as she looked inside the room.

On (y/n)s bed was her and Harry, curled up together under her many blankets as soft yellow fairy lights hung above them, the title screen of a movie playing on her tv.

Evie snuck into the room, gesturing Doug to be quiet as she set (y/n)s new earrings on her desk and motioned for Doug to hang hers and Harry's outfits on her closet door.

Evie spotted (y/n)s notepad on her desk and wrote out a small thank you note, pinning it to her corkboard that hung just next to her desk.

She ushered Doug out and turned, smiling at the sleeping couple, and slowly closed the door behind her, shushing it as it shut with a loud click.

“There we go” Evie sighed, turning to Doug and wrapping her arm around his “I’m starving, how about you?”

“Food sounds good” he chuckled, guiding Evie to the cafeteria.

-

Carlos watched from afar as Mal swung her feet just of the gazebo floor, her toes just grazing the cool lake water. He froze as she turned to look at him, her emerald green eyes softening and she invited him closer, turning back to the water as he did so and sat down beside her.

Mal laid her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes, while she and Carlos hadn’t been friends before Auradon, she was glad that she had him by her side now.

“so…you broke up with Ben?” Carlos started, giving Mal a soft smile as she looked up at him. She slowly looked back down at the water as she thought of what to say.

“I…yeah” she sighed, letting her weight fully lean onto Carlos, who lifted his arm and wrapped it around her shoulder. “I’m just…not ready for the relationship he wants…I know I hide my feelings and shit but…I really don’t know how he expected me to just, be good with all of this Auradon lady stuff within six months…I feel like a failure” Carlos let out a low hum, squeezing Mal's shoulder.

“well, you aren’t, you did your best, and your best was good enough, you just found out that that life…isn’t going to work out for you, it goes against your mental wiring, yes maybe you could adjust to it but would you be happy with it?” Mal pursed her lips, Carlos shook her a bit “well?”

“no” Mal muttered, picking at the loose thread on her pants “no I wouldn’t be happy like that…Ben…he said he wanted me…the real me, the isle me-wait…no he wouldn’t want her, she's rude as fuck” Mal smiled at the snort that erupted from Carlos, before it slipped off as she remembered something. Mal stopped Carlos as he was about to speak again “Hey…I did this for Evie but…I wanted to do the same for you” He looked at her confused “I’m sorry for the way I treated you when we were on the isle” he looked off to the side for a moment before he realized what she meant.

“oh! Yeah, it's no biggie” he attempted to brush it off but Mal adamantly shook her head.

“No! it's not “no biggie!” I treated you, Evie, and sometimes Jay, horribly! Even after we became friends! You were and are deserving of kindness, and I’m sorry that I was so fucked up that I was the rottenest little brat to you” Carlos stared at her with wide eyes. “what?”

His shocked look melted into a comforting grin “Thank you Mal” he wrapped his arms around her, pulling into a tight hug that only lasted a moment “sorry, just remembered; you’re not really affectionate” he laughed, grinning wider as Mal giggled along.

“it’s-its fine when it comes from you three” Mal hummed, turning to look back at the lake.

“sooo back to the Ben break up talk?” Carlos tried, smirking as Mal blew a raspberry “come on, you need to talk it out with someone, or else you’re gonna explode keeping it all bottled up.”

“…I’m happy I broke up with him” Mal spilled, not looking at Carlos as his brows shot up “I thought about our future and I realized if I kept doing what I was doing, and we kept going with how we were…neither of us would have been happy…I need to learn to love myself before I can love him properly, because…if (y/n)s forced quote an’ unquote therapy sessions” Carlos laughed at that “taught me anything. It’s that…I rely on someone else's love to measure my self-worth”

Carlos hummed, squeezing Mal's shoulder again “that’s not a good thing”

“no!” Mal huffed, running her hands through her hair and pulling at the roots “it isn’t! I've been trying to earn my mother's love for 16 years, then I just hop to doing so much bullshit to make sure Ben will love me! I dyed my hair blonde, I dressed in those itchy dresses, I dropped my entire personality for all that! And-and it wasn’t good, I felt like I was slipping away Carlos” Mal sobbed, tears trailing down her cheeks as she finally broke “I don’t even remember what I’m supposed to act like without all that because I spent so long doing it I just-I forgot what being ME felt like” Carlos fully wrapped his arms around Mal and pulled her tight to his side.  “I-I know it sounds like I’m being pathetic and having a fucking pity party but I’m just so fucking scared Carlos” Mal whimpered, throwing her arms around Carlos’ torso and pushing her cheek against his shoulder “on the isle my life was commanded by my mother and my identity was pleasing her, and here my life has been being Ben’s girlfriend and pleasing the people of Auradon so they think I’m not some villain whose just after Ben because he’s king…I-I do really like Ben Carlos”

Mal sniffed, pulling back one of her arms and wipe her nose “I do, it's just that…being with him hasn’t helped me move on from my mother bullshit and im-gah!” Mal let out a yell, pulling back from Carlos and burying her face in her hands “I’m having a fucking identity crisis because of my fucking mother! Why can’t she just leave me alone! Why can't all this dumb shit be left behind five months ago! Why do I still have to deal with it?!” Carlos let Mal rant, rubbing her back as she broke down.

“because life is unfair that way” Carlos sighed “Mal I know exactly what you're dealing with right now” Mal peeked out from her fingers, her eyes shining “I still have nightmares from living in my mother’s closet, getting trapped in the bear traps on the ground, or when she would burn me with her cigarette…even ones were she sends dogs at me to kill me…I still hear her voice in my head, telling me I’m worthless, that I’ll never be better than dog chow, my only use was being her servant” Carlos swallowed down the lump in his throat “but I know she's wrong, I’m not anything she says. I’m a tech genius, I've made several computers on the isle just from scraps, I've enhanced my 3D printer to be the best in Auradon, faster than any other and the quality is still top-notch, I've made a tiny little device that was able to make a hole in the barrier, I've gotten offers to work for Tony fucking Stark!” Mal gasped, reaching forward to grab Carlos' shoulders in excitement.

“holy shit what!? When? How? Why?!” Carlos smiled, prying off her grip.

“I knew you all were distracted by something else, especially you, so I didn’t want to make you stressed by my stuff either, it was two months ago. I didn’t take the offer because I want to finish school, but the offer still stands when I graduate in two years” Mal grinned, but it turned to a pout as Carlos gave her a look “Now back to the original topic, I’m not letting you deviate from it, you need to let it all out”

Mal stared at him for a moment before shrugging “I…feel like I already did…Auradon is stressful, my mother is the base of all my mental shit, and I’m not ready to be in a relationship with the dude I love because until I can love myself and learn not to rely on others value of me as my own value I can't be with him in a way that won't hurt him” Carlos slowly grinned “what?” “you said you love Ben~” he teased, laughing as Mal turned red and smacked him.

“I did not!!” she screeched, yelping as Carlos half tackled her and pulled her into an arm lock “Let me go you heathen!”

“you love Ben~ you love Ben~” Carlos sang, laughing as she tried to smack at his face “Come on, pixie! Let's get you back to the dorms, I think you need a nap”

“Don’t call me pixie!”

“How bout gremlin?”

“Carlos!!”

-

Chad carefully pulled the 3D printed copy of the king's crown from the printer and pressed a kiss to the emblem on the front. “Finally,~” He walked over to the mirror that was installed in Jay's standing dresser and carefully perched the crown on his head, smiling as his full cotillion outfit came to light.

He looked like a king~

He tilted the crown down a bit and laughed, posing in the mirror “oh what's that? Why no Audrey, I haven’t chosen my queen yet~” He purred to the fake Audrey in his mind. He turned and started to walk away before spinning back around to pose again “why no Audrey-”

Suddenly his phone rang, and he turned, raising his brow as he walked over to his phone “who could be calling me?”

Caller ID - Audrey <3

Chad let out a high-pitched scream of excitement, dropping his phone to the floor as he gripped his head “ahhAH! Audrey!!!”

“chad!” Carlos groaned, glaring as the other dived to the floor for his phone, and shushed him “Chad! This is my room chad!”

Chad shushed him again, making Carlos roll his eyes. Chad hit the answer button on his phone “Audrey?”

“Hey Chad um, I’m kind of stuck in Sherwood forest, my tire went flat. Could, could you come help me?”

“yeah of course!” Chad covered the mic and turned back to Carlos “she got a flat tire in Sherwood forest and she wants me to come fix it~” Carlos squinted a bit and looked at Chad with an odd look.

“that’s six hours away”

Chad looked at him as if what he said wasn’t a long road trip. “Really? Only six?” he turned back to his phone and put it back to his ear “I’m gonna be there faster than I thought”

“Thanks Chad, I was going to come to cotilli-“ he pulled the phone away and pressed a kiss to the screen, hanging up on Audrey and starting to walk out the door when Carlos stopped him.

“Ah-My printer my crown” Carlos took the crown off Chad's head, who chuckled and gestured back from the printer to the crown before shrugging it off.

“I’m coming Audrey!” he ran down the halls towards his car, leaving a bewildered Carlos in his dorm.

“wow,” Carlos snorted, shaking his head and walking into the room, tossing the crown on Jay's bed. Carlos flopped down on his bed, Dude hopping up next to him moments later “these last two days have been crazy huh?”

“You can say that again” Dude snorted, halfway crawling on Carlos' chest and laying his head down “Nap time?”

“Nap time” Carlos chuckled, pulling his pillow over his face to block out the afternoon sun and sighed.

-end of part 14-

yep, part 14, we’re almost to Cotillion guys! also yep, Doug does not accuse Evie of cheating on him even though he had no reason to do so in the movie and he shows concern over Evie and her friends safety when she tells him about the isle~ what?? no~ this isn't a dig at Doug's awful D2 writing!! how could you accuse me of such a thing~! (Doug had alot of potential but like Mal it got ruined in the second movie and he was pushed as a full on background character in the third) also MORE CARLOS CONTENT~ yes he is smart boi and deserves that recognition and yes, the avengers exist in this universe. hopefully that Mal talk didnt sound like a pity party. 

anyway PERMTAGLLIST

@queer-cosette​ @sephiralorange​

@lunanight2012​ @daughter-of-the-stars11​

@musicarose​ @random-thoughts-003​

@remembered-license​ @rintheemolion​

@thecaptainsgingersnap​ @descendantsobsessed​

@verboetoperee​ @imtryingthisout​

taglist

@thesailbells​ @beccad10x​

[what-kinda-fuckery]

Hey so, I was one of the star struck falsettos stans that spent the forty dollars for the webinar, and I took notes (like a weirdo). So I decided I would share my funny moments and updates from the cast here!

- Host: Everyone should be keeping their audio off.

Christian: Oh alright!

Host: nO Christian not you

- Christians in Manhattan and his hair is back and he’s wearing a Superman t-shirt.

- Brandon is with his parents in NJ

- Stephanie and Brandon still love each other

- Brandon: Meat should be cooked just right

- Betsy: Stephanie are you in maple wood?

Stephanie: Well thank you for telling everyone where I am (she’s in NJ)

- Stephanie: Are you fucking kidding meee!!!

- Tracie is in LA, she looks like she’s in Costa Rica and I love her dog.

- Anthony’s VOICE IS LOW EVERYONES FREAKING OUT

they’re all talking about Anthony’s clear skin

- Andy Randy is in LA with a fresh haircut his boyfriend did it and he’s watching too much TV

Andrew: I’m watching this is America

Stephanie: SO GOOD

Andrew: SO GOOD

- Everyone’s having hard days

- Christian is acting out tracies dog’s pathetic bark and everyone’s like WHAT are you doing bc it looks like he’s about to throw up

- BETSY IS A WEEK AWAY FROM HAVINGA WHOLE CHILD

Betsy: What else do you do during a pandemic? Have a baby!

Andrew: Can I toss out another baby name? Celery.

Literally everyone: Goodnight Andrew goodbye!

- Christian is living with a girl (?) and playing board games instead of watching television

HE COOKS NOW EVERYONES PROUD OF HIM

Christian: yesterday I made pork filet en croute

Stephanie: I MADE PORK WITH SAGE AND APPLES ON WEDNESDAY

Stephanie: In mean girls they wear pink on wednesdays. In falsettos they make pork.

- I can’t get over Anthony’s voice

Again everyone returning to his literally perfect skin

- Stephanie: When watching four jews in a room in the beginning who’s in China?? I know the answer I just want to hear someone say it.

Andrew, with a thick accent: It was Bryna, in China, with a torn miniscus

- Christian: Did anything interesting make it on to the telecast between me and you? Andrew? Actually I dont remember I need to do my research.

Andrew: There’s been some strange comments about Christian and I- (AT THIS POINT IM WHEEZING)

HE MENTIONED THE TONY BONY

HE SAID IT WASNT A THING

HE DIDNT HAVE ONE

Andrew: No that’s not a thing that happened

Brandon: Andrew i want you to know that it’s okay if it was. It’s a safe space just the seven of us. (Lol)

- Bill Finn would take two steps into the room: “WROONG”

Stephanie: he wanted me to sing the end of I’m breaking down up the octave and I said #notmytrina

Brandon: #NOTMYTRINA

- Tracie what did you do during act 1

Tracie: Betsy and I sat in that dressing room for like an hour and a half

Andrew: You SANG the WHOLE SHOW TRACIE

- Betsy watched parts of the first act to feel like she was there

- Betsy sprained both her ankles at one point during the run and was a trooper anyways

Brandon reenacting Betsy limping during look look look look

Everyone dies laughing

Christians LAUGH makes me SO HAPPY

- Betsys screen is frozen like this: 🤨

Andrew: What if she went into labor??? (This is a common thread throughout the zoom)

- Anthony: I’m getting a lot of glitching so Stephanie is just like “HUH UH UH UH”

- Betsy comes back and everyone is like

YOU GUYS ITS COMING!!!

- They bought Andrew an ice cream for his birthday from the vending machine at rehearsal

- Andrew: The Hawaii crop top

Betsy: I would give anything to have that

- Tracie: it was very hard. Very precise bringing the blocks together

Brandon: Trying to be like oh my god we’re going to a funeral

Andrew: MY DEATH IT WAS MY DEATH

- fan question: What did the blocks weigh?

Stephanie: They were like thick yoga blocks. Not heavy but awkward shaped

Andrew: Significantly heavier when Anthony sat on them

Anthony: I just realized how much I got thrown around

Stephanie: Anthony were you proud of yourself? #proudofyou

Anthony: The one moment I was cringing was father and son

Christian: HERE WE GO *SLAPS TABLE*

Betsy: Anthony’s like BLAH BLAH BLAH blah my line BLAH BLAH BLAH my line BLAH BLAH

Christian: I LEAVE THE PAUSE IF YOU CANT GET IN THATS ON YOU

Anthony: I was blinking in that number like constantly

Christian: THE WHOLE THING LIKE A SALAMANDER

Oh Anthony.

- Andrew: I HAVE A STORY ABOUT CHRISTIAN BORLE. Tech for what more can i say. He was laying on me. We were shirtless in underpants under the blankets.

Christian: SLOWER

Andrew: he leaned over; He sniffed his armpit and said “I hope you like France”

EVERYONE DIES LAUGHING INCLUDING ME

Christian: i haven’t worn deodorant in 10 years true story

- Christian: i seem to remember holding our pillows and blankets pretending like we were partying on fyre island and Andrew said:

Andrew: WHATS YOUR NAME???

Christian: No no it was something like:

WHAT HOUSE ARE YOU STAYING IN??

Andrew: WHAT HOUSE ARE YOU STAYING IN???

Betsy: James lupine I feel like we’re ruining this show

- Andrew: The shenanigans were real but so was the sadness

Stephanie: We’re real and we’re funny what you gonna do

- Andrew talking about how hard the show was to do: Finding some liberty, It’s a hard world to live in all the time. It was a hard time especially for Christian. I would sometimes go home and cry for no reason

Brandon: Building up emotion with nowhere to put it

Betsy: then Lesbians come in and provide all the levity

Stephanie: Although Dr. Charlotte brings in horrible news

Tracie: Everything’s beautiful at what more can i say and I’m like not so fast

- Tracie always had a funny thing to say

- Who broke character the most on stage?

Anthony Stephanie and Christian

Anthony: it was when I said “I don’t want a bar mitzvah” and I spit in your face a lot and you went like *puts arms up* and someone at stage door was like very condescending like it’s not professional

Christian: Oh my bad we’re people sorry

- Stephanie wrote a line in the show “YOU HAVE PAINTINGS OF DICKS”

- James wanted her to cut off her finger during I’m breaking down

And turn around with a bandaged bloody finger

- Betsy’s nose bleeding during something bad is happening

And Tracie was like something BAD IS HAPPENING

Tracie: Christians throwing up right now

Betsy: Bloody Kleenex up the nose THE SHOW MUST GO ON

- Fan question: Stephanie how do you belt with a banana in your mouth

Christian: Practice practice practice

Stephanie: just shove it in your cheek. But Really that wasn’t supposed to happen

Anthony’s nickname in the rehearsal room was little bananas because he had to gather up all the pieces of stuff after Stephanie shoved the table over with her rear. Sometimes he didn’t have enough time to put it somewhere so he would just put the pieces of banana in his mouth and that’s where it came from

That’s why

- Andrew: Stephanie your glasses are very chic

Stephanie: Oh my gosh thank you *shocked*

- Betsy: Bill was like I’d rather DIE than change lyrics for the pbs special

FLaT aS a LaKe

- Cue everyone accidentally talking over each other and saying what at each other for 30 seconds

Christian: what? what? what?

Who is it?

What’s going on?

- If you could play anyone else in the show who would it be

Anthony said Mendel

Tracie said Mendel

Brandon said Trina

Andrew said marvin

Betsy said whizzer

Stephanie said Mendel

And I honestly couldn’t hear if Christian said anything whoops

- Brandon: If someone could at some point explain to me the Mendel eats dirt meme? People have been Asking me if Mendel eats dirt? I don’t think it’s about Trina Trina is not the dirt. I was overwhelmed. Can someone in the Q&A explain this? *A few seconds later* oh It was from a meme generator?

Christian: Greaat.

Brandon: It’s a fan fiction about Mendel eating dirt and getting aroused by it

Everyone: WHAT

- They still get fan art

Someone recreated the whole soundtrack 8bit and also with KAZOOS

- Brandon: CONGRATS CHRISTIAN ON LULOS WIN FOR LITTLE SHOP. If you haven’t seen Christian in little shop it’s revelatory I’m not just blowing smoke up your ass I have not laughed that hard in a while at the theatre

- Christian talking about little shop

Christian has a 12 inch Batman toy in his dressing room and he misses it

- Ticket prices were getting out of control before corona everyones hoping this will make a difference

Brandon and everyone think it should get more accessible

- Brandon: Hear hear I need a refill

- Stephanie: Your hair looks incredible Brandon (it did)

Christian: She’s been waiting to talk about it for 53 minutes

- Andrew: Well Betsy what I’m wondering is have you crowned yet??

Proceed everyone dying

Brandon, taking a picture of the screen: This moment will go down in history as When Betsy was asked if she was crowning

- Everyone mimicking zoom freezing by starting a sentence and freezing halfway through

- Christian: What new Steven sondheim musical are you excited about Anthony *devilish grin*

Anthony having no idea what Christian is talking about

Christian: Come on Anthony you know the answer. Ugh. The minds of the young. You’re smoking pot now aren’t you??

Christian: We have a lot of fun

- Andrew: I’m trying to get people to pay attention to me

- Christians pretending to be frozen

Cue a lot of yelling: Stephanie BRANDON STEPHANIE

NO CHRISTIAN

Everyone accusing each other of being frozen

NO YOURE FROZEN

- Andrew: Let’s all act like we’re frozen

Steph: I see Andrew acting like hes frozen

Betsy: Watching you do that is killing me

- Listening to the cast recording for the first time together

Stephanie: Why was I the a-hole that couldn’t be there???

Christian: That’s a question only you can answer

- Betsys husband came in everyones like BETSY LOOK OUT

Christian: that scared the shit out of me

- What is marvins last name and what was his line of work

Christian: we definitely said it at some point right? (They didnt) but he was in advertising. What was the last name? Gardens? O’Malley?

- Andrew: Betsys gone oh no

Betsy: I’m right here!!!

Andrew: She’s giving birth (again)

Stephanie: Betsy Wolfe is a ceiling

- Brandon: Welcome back Anthony. You’re here now.

Anthony singing merrily we roll along over Betsy trying to tell a story

Christian: STOP SMOKING POT IN YOUR BEDROOM ANTHONY

- Betsy: Steve (Steven Sondheim) comes to the door I call him steve

Into the woods is the reason Betsy is in theatre

- Betsy: Andrew was nervous singing at the tonys for Book of Mormon and he got dry mouth he sang like 😬I BELIEVE and he licked his lips so much during the song.

Brandon: Did you have a boner then too?

Andrew: GUYS DONT BE DICKS

Stephanie: It’ll be like dry mouth, boner

Andrew: BETSY YOU FUCKIN BITCH ITS ACTUALLY NOT THAT BAD

Stephanie: Bets maybe we should wrap it up

- Brandon sings MARRIAGE PROPOSAL

EVERYONE TELLING HIM TO STOP SINGING I took a video it was beautiful might post that later

- “Tracie Thomas from Lent!”

Tracie having stage fright

Tracie: Billy porter said “oh child we all forget the words” and walked away

- Anthony said WHO SHAT THE BED in four jews once

Anthony: That’s my contribution. Steph got her line, I got who shat the bed

- Steph: We lost andrew oh no

Christian: Um, we lost andrew ten minutes ago. Yeah when Brandon started singing

- Then Betsy sang a song by Bill Finn beautiful

- Steph: Wear your masks and eat pork on wednesdays

That was it!! I hope you enjoyed and people who were there if I got anything wrong that’s my human error it was hard to note everything I wanted to. Smooches! Byee

[allforthecourtt]

rereading aftg with my dumbass opinions pt. 2 (tfc chapters 6-10)

pt. 1 | pt. 2 | pt. 3

look guys! its the highly unanticipated continuation of my reread of aftg!

chapter 6 (aka. meet this MESS of a team)

“My mother's family is French." It was a lie that probably had his British mother rolling over in her sandy grave.”

neil really never misses an opportunity to remind readers that he fucking buried his mom on the beach huh?

“A liar who practices occasional honesty. Clever. Keeps people guessing. Very effective. I would know. I do it myself, you see. Come on, then. After you.”

have i mentioned how entertaining high andrew is? because he’s funny as hell

also rereading these are fun because Nora is incredible at foreshadowing just sayin

“Neil automatically reached for his seatbelt, but one of the brothers was sitting on it.”

how neil would be in the back of the cousins’ car if they let him:

“You?" Neil said. "You can't." Andrew's smile curved wider. "Ohhh, that sounds like a challenge. Mother may I?" "Your mother's dead. I don't think she cares what you do.”

HO HO HOLY SHIT NEIL

“Starting a fight was too out of character for who he portrayed "Neil” to be, though.”

“Consider this your official invite, you suicidal wretch. I'm bringing you to Columbia with us this Friday.”

awe suicidal wretch... glad they’re starting those pet names early

“I don't drink or dance," Neil said.

andrew: i kno u can

“Kevin doesn't dance anymore”

anymore? ANYMORE??? release the cursed events that led to him not dancing anymore Nora im begging you

“Are you bleeding anywhere?" Matt asked. "Nowhere vital," Neil said.

gskjgnsak god i stan this little asshole so much

“She said it gently, with the hint of a smile on her face, but Neil still felt the rebuke. It was subtler but somehow deadlier”

have i mentioned how gay i am for renee? because im very gay for renee

“Allison looked ready for a photo shoot with perfect platinum curls, spiked heels, and a skintight dress.”

im also gay for allison ngl

“I can move if you want to sit here," Neil said. "No, this is fine." She smiled, but it had a smug edge to it, probably because Seth was glaring at them like he could kill them with willpower alone. ”

lol remember how neil doesn’t think he’s attractive and yet in 0.1 seconds after meeting him allison is like “yes this idiot is hot enough to piss off the other idiot im dating”

“Personal favorite was when someone told the police we were running a meth lab out of the dorm," Dan said sourly. "Police raids are awesome.”

no offence dan but that’s fucking hilarious omg

that’s kind of like the time my residence floor had to get evacuated bc some kids hotboxed their dorm room

god i love uni

“The death threats were creative, though," Nicky said. "Maybe this time they'll follow through and actually kill one of us. Let's vote. I nominate Seth.”

pfffffttttt i love Nicky omg

also hahahahahah foreshadowing!

“It'll be fine," Andrew said. "I promised, didn't I? Don't you believe me?" It took a while, but at last Kevin visibly relaxed. ”

again this is why i thought they were fucking for like the better part of the first two books

“The dead look Kevin turned on Andrew today was the same look Neil saw in his reflection. When Neil stopped acting, when he stopped worrying about who was watching, when he let go of the lies that kept him alive, that was the only expression he could make.”

it’s fine i didnt need a heart anyways

this kid is 18 hes A BABY

the first time i read this i was 18 too and like jfc i was a BABY at 18 and so i neil

“One of us has to make it, Mom." It wasn't going to be Neil. It was obvious he was too stupid to survive without his mother if he let himself get into messes like this. But maybe Kevin could do it.”

sorry let me just wipe my TEARS off my fucking laptop neil honey what the fuck

“He felt distant as he watched them walk in. Maybe he was already dying, his stupid soul fading from his short body in preparation for a brutal end.”

neil we get it you have depression (me too bitch u aint special)

“Fuck running," Seth said.

now that’s a whole ass mood

“he didn't know how Renee could smile so warmly when she was speaking to Andrew.”

haha bitch just wait

“when he slept, he dreamed of his father waiting for him on the Foxhole Court.”

remember how at the end of the series his father is waiting on the court but neil wins??? god we love good storytelling

this is such a fucking wild chapter

could you imagine? coming back from the summer and your first introduction to this amateur from arizona is this neil josten level of sass? because i’d probably kill him

first years are bad enough but first years who dont care about other people’s opinions? the fucking worst

chapter 7 (aka. neil does NOT have a fun night out)

“It seemed Allison and Seth didn't believe in middle ground: either they were slinging vile insults at each other or they were making out in the locker room regardless of whoever might be around.”

that’s just how the straights are

“It reminded Neil a little of Allison and Seth, except without the desperate sexual undertones.”

i’ll just leave this gem of a line here

“His teammates held so little regard for him he didn't even have the dubious honor of being dead last.”

neil shading himself is actually hilarious how relatable

“Neil watched him do it, trying to remember the last time someone gave him a gift and coming up blank. That his first one should be from Andrew was unsettling.”

i actually love the fact that andrew bought him clothes so early on like andrew your gay is showing

“Neil debated how much damage the thick heels of his new boots would do against Andrew's face and liked what his mind came up with.”

i thank god everyday that these books are neil’s pov

“Andrew gave Neil another slow once-over and let go. "We're going.”

^andrew seeing neil w/o contacts (aka. the ‘i can’t think straight’ vine)

“Most of the men wore leather, half the women had corsets, and a good number of both genders were covered in buckles and chains.”

this... is a... gay bar

“Andrew saluted the bouncers on his way by and led the way into the club, bypassing the line entirely.”

i always forget the drinking age in the us is 21 but like this bar really dont care about their liquor license AT ALL lmao

“You think Kevin would risk his future over a night out at the club?" "What future?" Neil asked.”

WOW NEIL WAY TO BE A BITCH

“Neil hadn't seen Aaron get up, but he was waiting behind Neil when Andrew let go. Neil reached for Andrew with lethal intent, but Aaron grabbed the back of his chair and pulled hard enough to topple it over.”

why are the twins literally this gif:

real talk nicky kissing neil like that is horrible and really reflects poorly on nicky as a character

andrew for this entire chapter:

chapter 8 (aka. a hitchhiker’s guide to lying about your identity)

“I don't know how your conversation with Andrew went, but it didn't end well. Rumor has it you paid a busboy a hundred bucks to knock you out. Way to cut our night short.”

this is probably my favourite thing neil does in the entire series ngl

“Wymack grabbed his elbow and hauled him inside. He slowed just long enough to slam the door behind Neil. "Are you stupid or just crazy? Do you have any idea what could have happened to you between here and there? What were you thinking?”

Why does Wymack literally sound like my father?

foxes: daddy?

wymack: DO I LOOK LIKE

follow up:

kevin: daddy?

wymack: uh yeah

“I don't know what the beef is between you two, but it ends here and now.”

Wymack @ neil: tell your boyfriend, if he says he’s got beef that your a vegetarian and your not fucking scared of him

“Then correct me." "Give me a reason." "Besides the obvious?" Andrew said. "If I can't get an answer from you, I'll get it wherever I can.”

andrew:

“I'm—" Neil didn't want to say it, but the word was already there, broken and pathetic between them, "—nothing. I'll always have and be nothing.”

“He wondered for a moment if Andrew could handle the entire truth so calmly, but that was too dangerous and stupid to consider.”

“Hope was a dangerous, disquieting thing, but he thought perhaps he liked it.”

this is such a good fucking line like i am shooketh

chapter 9 (aka. neil is, like, really horny for exy)

“Are you stupid?" Seth asked. "Yeah," Neil said.”

what a fuckin MOOD

“Neil had almost forgotten why he liked Exy so much. He did his best at practices but these days he worked mostly to keep his teammates off his back. As Neil surveyed Kevin's damage, he finally felt inspired again. On its heels was a hungry, desperate rush.”

“Seth made as if to throw his beer at Neil. "His life is not more important than mine just because he's more talented.”

sometimes i really wish seth was actually given a chance to have some character development

“ "Maybe you're not as stupid as I thought." "Maybe I am," Neil said”

another big fucking MOOD

chapter 10 (aka. shocking: university is hard :/ )

“It's fun telling Kevin no," Andrew said with a wicked grin.”

why is andrew like this omg

betsy probably was like just looking for a chill job and was like “oh cool uni students? ill have to deal with like a lot of anxiety, sexual tension, depression and like confusion about the future, not to bad” but NOPE welcome to the fucking MAFIA WARS

“That wasn't so bad, was it? Andrew was convinced it would be a disaster. He put money on you hating Betsy." "Did you bet against him?" "Yes," Renee said. "It was a private bet between the two of us.”

“I hope you didn't lose much," Neil said.”

god why is he such an asshole at every opportunity i love him

“I can take care of myself," Neil said. "Watch me beam with pride.”

wymack is the best father in the world and you cant convince me otherwise

“There was one for every fall team with schedules printed on each. Neil kept the Exy one, tossed the rest into the trash, and buried his magnet deep in his pocket where he didn't have to look at the dates.”

neil “i only care about exy” josten strikes again with his great school spirit

“Palmetto State was facing Edgar Allan on Friday, October 13th”

that’s such a cliche and i love it

“He detoured around students toward one of Palmetto State's three dining halls. Two were for the general student body. The third was for athletes only”

lmao my school literally has one dining hall and it couldnt give less of a fuck what type of student they’re selling food too as long as they’ll pay $15 for chicken fingers

what kind of money does palmetto state fuckin have

like i get us tuition is a lot but jesus so’s mine and my school couldn’t be less fucked

“It was only the first day of school and he already had three assignments: a short paper, a fifty-page chapter to read, and a page of questions about said chapter. Neil debated for a minute as to which one sounded least painful. Five minutes later he was still uninspired, so he put his head down on his desk.”

1. MOOD

2. first years are so cute thinking that’s a lot of assignments i remember in first year being like “i have to read 40 pages thats so unfair :(” and now i’m like “ah sick only 200 pgs of readings this week? im gonna have so much free time!”

upper year history sucks ngl

“I'm fine," Neil said.”

neil knows exactly two (2) words and those are it

“You say that an awful lot," Matt said. "I'm starting to think you don't know what it means.”

overall thoughts:

the plot is pickinnnng upppp

i kind of forget how much world building happens in the first book but like its good

also i love neil literally hating everyone its so funny bc like bby these going to be your best friends just wait

anyways that’s all for now

part 3 will be the rest of tfc and then we’ll move onto trk if you guys still want more of this? let me know

love u all bye

[justinayka]

How Jacksepticeye and Markiplier Comunnity looks like? {Demographic/Statistic}

I remember this question very clearly.  

How our community looks like?

Not Mark’s or Jack’s separately but as one big fandom of both. I was curious how many people have problems with making friends in here and as also who have a lot of them. How old they are. From which part of world they came from, everything. So around May I decided to make a questionnaire, with few questions about you know, basic stuff.

You have no clue how scared I was.

You may think what was the cause of that, but I am gonna tell ya. I was afraid of being ignored, still I am but then Jesus Christ I was prying for this project to worked out.

And it worked.

Not by my preys, but thanks to you and your power.

Yes, you have an incredible power which you don’t know about, yet.

And together, you are amazing. You are able to defeat all inconvenience, that you can make other person more alive, bright and confident about themself.

Because of you and your will, you made this project even possible. Without you and your encouragement, nothing like this would ever happened.

I didn’t do anything, it’s your work and you should be proud of yourself. Like for real!

Thank you so much, If I could, I would hug every one of you!

Now I will show you how each one of us, is wonderful, beautiful and astounding in on own way.

Fandom

I apologize that some of charts look differently from each other, but I assure you that data in them is accurate.

Role in Comunnity

I honestly never made someone I could call bestfriend or just friend. I have people I know, but not that I would tell them my biggest desires and secrets. No I am non an agressive person, I have problems though. I hope that doesn’t make me look bad.

It wasn’t a new thing for me to see, a lot of people can’t afford trips to another city, country or to just buy one ticket. I had even on mind creating a post, thing which was supposed to be about not mentoning that you, as a person is going to tour, posts like “Hey guys I am going to Jack show tonight!”, I mean cool that you or someone else can be there but I think about the others. I don’t mean in it in rude way, I am just afraid that because of posts like that, somebody will think of themselves as a pathetic person, get more depressed. I remember how many times I cried because of that, I blamed myself that I am not good enough, I deserved to be not a part of it and other horrible things . Although I didn’t do anything about this idea, cause I was scared, scared that people would yell at me and call me evil. And again I didn’t have any bad intentions in mind, I just thought about those who couldn’t and still can’t go see Jack or Mark.

Sexual Orientation

Gender

I was up again, surprised especially with the male part. I thought that it will be 50/50 but nope, it seems that we, fangirls, rules in comunnity. Just kidding everybody no matter  what gender, sexuality is, they are also an important member of comunnity.

Age

Disorders, illness etc

t was the toughest part of chart to make, not only I had a problem to put this in some logical way, but also having number before my very eyes. I am myself an Aspie (person with Asperger Syndrome) so contacting with people can be sometimes not at easy tasks, not mention that I can’t it (depends on second person) hold relations for very long, but I am learning you know, I am trying to be more confident or social, but sometimes Social Anxiety, gets on me.

Country

I am in shock, how many countries are here. In some cases one person belongs from one country and another one from different one. I wasn’t surprised to see U.S at top, but seeing few people from Poland made my heart fluttered.

I hope that what I said earlier made any sense, my hands were shaking full of excitement while writting it.

And here are people which made this project real, who decided to take their time to do questionnaire. Hug them, respect, reblog their stuff, like support, show that they are a great people.

((Sorry guys that I tagged you but I have to make sure that you get a notification about it and not everyone has open PM or Ask Box))

@inferablossom

@gingerandcelery

@thequeenofsupersarcasm

@booperdooper780

@toffee-coffee-bean

@novasingalaxies

@probablyghosting

@grudgegirl64

@echoing-night

@fangirljeffy

@the-silent-screamer

@starlightxnightmare

@psychic-ga1axy

@kawaiifun17

@sicut-anima

@thesinginggal

@rachel-wayward

@cassandwhich246

@eternalbomb

@loveylyy

@linzpie

@dragongirlz1

@kisskissimgay

@kanokelip

@nope-nope-ha-nope

@spaceweather2015

@stormastrote

@colorspictures

@cjsfandoms

@celestialclod

@lordvoidghost

@rabidrabbitsrabato

@impossiblerebelblaze

@alex-new-life

@awasteofyourtime

@softlybobby

@no-life-no-problem

@ambaralbatros

@fckingbs

@mersers-moonypadfoot-prongs

@crankywankiplier

@nerdytrashh

@dottiewonderland

@madness016

@koderkat

@robin-galaxies

@pepsi-meth

@not-quite-here-yet

@kawaiihani

@frukinghell

@markiplitesaway

@flappiestspookster

@cyndernova

@xxashwiixx

@halcyonhaunting

@ugabemenightmares

@animal-lover76

@zaptoes

@scarlett-galega

@mmmirkabat

@afternoonchai

@why-fren

@the-redhead-who-writes

@magic-fandoms

@lilwendy3

@lizziebirb

@senpai-iplier

@atruedonaldist

@imalosersodontfollowme

@sonyasophie363

@izelletn

@iartsam-sideblog

@eonthewingedwolf

@nokeki

@positively-random

@im-just-a-b-isch

@septicedits

@alex-demonboi

@aquilacalvitium

@thatpersonwithmultipledrawings

@multifandomblogger1817

@glitchlesspuppet

@loucid-lines

@abby5577

@chara-sanders-plisetsky

@artistic-insomniac

@yuseifudo2002

@septicaye

@devin-nicholas

@tylerthepancake

@snowthefox123

@a-h-e-l-p-i-n-g-h-a-n-d2140

@rainidaydreamer

@incorrect-anti-quotes

@jeniferlion

@a-bad-poem

@phantastic-cuddler

@doodlesrune

@starjames-pma

@merciignoremoi

@thecatchat

@brieflycraftycollectoruniverse

@septicuniverse

@antiseptic-updates

@danandphilsmom

@skipperwolf19

@katierose100

@ego-headquarters

@frcmnowcn

@belladonnachaos

@klaristhewhovian

@beep-boop-sneep-snoop

@rainbowcookie666 ( Good old’ Czech pal go subscribe them ) 

@shirowolfy

@daydreaminglifelesslove

@mexicanesecat

@space-is-where-i-belong

@artemispowell

@aquariana131

@hanwritestrash

@meiancholythoughts

@tinypuffballofanger

 @brooklyn-mooon

@natalie-the-artist

@dragonartist-68

@septicz

@antipocalypse

@miserykillme

@neo-ophelian

@opalofundertale

@thewinterunicorn

@steg-o-sore-us

@radha-the-introvert

@save-jacksepticeye

@macaffect

@katielovesyoutubers35

@edgy-orangutan

@leoepard

@halfbloodhacker

@thunderyoke

@fun-with-colors

@sophchoph

@verobrunhi (Thank you so much for your suggestion for the design of charts buddy. You know that I should seperate them by topic/theme ^^)

@cooperationiskey

@the-king-of-lemons

@detective-jay

@misslovey32

@gay-purple-love

@rachaeladuncan

@joethecoffeeaddict

@kaylynnseptic

@kiralycann

@the-sleepy-dragon

@nerdgiggly

@taylorschuyler13

@angelmae1682

@sassy-in-glasses

@rotoxi

@thespacestrawberry

@axolotlbeans

@yellowtoyou

@anastasiarose0

@septicstarssss

@egossideblog

@agarak101

@imagineusername

@lunny-moon

@probably-badgers

@aluissa

@love4jikook13

@crankycal

@flameheart2013

@sienna-jade

@vixi3303

@blood-n-ink

@midnxght-desire

@intortavus

@surviving-an-ocean-of-fandoms

@possum-babe

@downed-crystals

@random-awkward-person

@art2night

@aesthetic-vs

@mr-travisbingewagen

@thesalmontoruletheworld

@mamamidnight

@onplanetmars

@vity-dream

@rose-specter

@aku-anon

@1dlover2000posts

@iceddarktoast

@shipperroyalty

@crystalthecookiecat

@wafflemuggler

@justtheaverageblog1

@heyitzmelauren

@flashdoesstuff

@jinxgolden5

@opera25

@random-rambutan

@freshdreamlandblizzard

@mollydoesfanart

@fcfander

@virge-of-death

@lavenderamy

@loganandoli

@spacekittencue

@pombullian

@rendezvousramen

@lets-go-panic-at-discos

@hungryheaart

@satanicshamrock

@borderlinehannibal

@forevertaekook1

@bakingwithanxiety

@spaceiscool110406

@spencercharkins

@souhailqarro

@unsocialteen484

@opera25

@hotcocoachia

@choleson

@amethyst-trash

@katelyneprice250

@crowthered

@xperidottix

@miathefangirlwriter

@edgytrashhh

@limpadoodle90

@verysheepcollectionsposts

@tabt-solskin

@jacksepticeye-podcast-official

@kitkatkatester

@maybekatie

@reytenstiel

@dburton1997

@meme-brat-likes-cats

@in-tenebris-inanis

@omniastral

@queen-katie-moo

@my-glasses-hurt

@crymaticartwork

@ghostkingisemotrash

@theneocaliber

@quietjosie

@goldentrashchild

@supernova8902

@corroded-concerto

@vi-metrics

@sepporahs-blog

 @wollowywillowy

@wereallcompost

@catawampuslikecrazy

@glitch-betch

@berrie-b

@xblitch-gitchx

@longhairanimallover

@pianotoyourforte

@tiredbeanbean

@markfischfuckingbach

@mlmcisco

@lillieflower

@tgdraws

@thelaughingstock101

@littlewidowlovesu

@neonnekoftw

@j-u-s-t-sam

@errorundyne-exe

@smallapple4231

@kirbearofficial

@theantihost

@jgvfhl

@septicpier

@nikkashidashipper

@fandomsarelifex

@imdoingthisironically02

@pandarume

@wilford-motherluvin-warfstache

@mlafolol

@lynnwolf

@cheekbonesandleafhoes

@boredgirl31

@breisadork

@thatonegirrl16

@writeasoph

@flubbernucked-boi

@katara0524

@teenytinyrayofsunshine

@myhomosexuallyfakeromance

@theinvisiblespoon

@nocturnaljim

@xxnerdgamergirlxx

@mudgelet

@septicsystem

@arttedri

@faleaflet

@just-a-fancy-biscuit

@beaniebopp

@beepa99

@stardayze

@misstakebunny

@nerdfighter67639

@thecrazycreation

@millsandmoons

@nova-raine

@dangitronpaul

@news-with-jimthereporter

@raptorblue1

@the-writersblock

@luna1350

@forevertimelord

@anime42425641

@xx-midnightrose-xx

@amycampbell00

@justafellowfan

@sarcastic-crustacean

@wonderlandfires

@ilikememeswaytomuch

@nightmareeyest

@thehelpfulvillager

@nightfuryobsessed

@the-editor-is-bored

@zotinha456

@xxshee-catxx

@captainmaxmotherfuckers

@part-of-me-do-not-know-the-rest

@cas1224

@weirdmixofweirdness

@honeymist36

@ebony-wolf

@mileena1325

@sarahphoenix617

@littlebloogirl

@hyper-kitten-9

@omg-atomiccollectionzombie

@skullsandfairylights

@absolutetrash35

@nintendogamergirlexe

@karyiplier89

@im-suffering-inside-and-out

@fire-rose

@0sociallyawkward0

@illyriashade56

@kitty-fry-coded-issue

@youtube-banshee

@bluestbirb

@ode-to-mr-miserable

@raina-lyles

@daughter-of-anti

@jackjames-exe

@corrupted-truths

@i-forgot-my-theme

@painting-peyton

@writer-heeg

@memequeenjojo

@reelgals

@boondockelement

@the-awesomeness-of-randomness

@iceddarktoast

@booperdoopcr

@ihadnobetterideasforaurl

@jessiefrance

@alsobooperdoopcr

@jackspedicyman

@markiplopp

@darkslaugh

@theultimatephantrashblog

@coffeebles

@noxflower

@lebeaulunestuff

@omg-itotallyshipit

@kitkat1003

@out-drowning

@spicy-sinner-blog

@randomgrove254

@megmcgoober

@daggerkid

@katie-g-septic

@thereisnoneedtocallmesir

@applesaturn

@tht1person123

@the-crazy-drawer

@trippytyyler

@paradox-brody-chase

@teresadragon

@muilshipper3566

@doodlefriend

@coffeemeryspace

@but-jesuschrist-im-never-good

@bunnigirl6

@acciobananamilk

@crxnky-ash

@missrainbowsheep

@fishisblue

@obviouslypancakes

@ninjadragon90

@uwumadison

@sassyanimewriter

@genericfangirlnumber4

@pepsi-is-me-2

((I am so so sorry if I forgot to put someone’s name on the list ;-;))

People who are amazing not only for what they do but also for who they are and I think they would like this project a lot. 

@run-stray-wolf

@staticcalling

@kanjisabez

@jeffreymorosofi

@let-the-dragon-drag-on

@egoimagines

@egosimagines

@ethansnestor

@celestialmarkiplier

@happytrans

@coolboxofcandy

@nuclearsugarbomb

@susansepticeye

@thewingedwhitewolf

@space-pups

@cryptikats

@lost-inhibitions

@boopymooplier

@yuxaru

@mr-sketcha

@chair01

@squabblingwriter

@cinnamon-grump

@markiemooo

@darkstachio

@caslover13

@paddart

@turquoisemagpie

@fischyplier

@hope-ysl

@piligy

@crazions

@xansinarts

@van-arts

@comicbooksforever

@tycr0by

@mrs-sakurai

@afimeatur

@aileenarip

@samanthasabila

@darkiplierblog

@mrkmoo-autumn

@marielgum

@markired

@sokodraws

@bechuman

@eerie-agateophobia

@bratniadusza

@puppyrelp

@imagine-ego-trash

@demonicdavina

@artist-in-space

@badly-drawn-jacksepticeye

@lum1natrix

@pap-is-loud

@pacaora

@haleyscomett-art

@pigeon-latte

@echosherr

@starridge

@sambloom

@softdarkiplierimagines

@xmoonyxbunnyx

@markandthemarks

@rare-magpie

@boinkrz

@betterbegoob

@kiyoshilia

@rustybean

@cheapcookiez

@theprincessoffish

@barfiplier

@spoonycorn

 @konoira

@veykun

@manguowl

@jacof-alltrades

@xylorieren

@d-structive

@therealjacksepticeye

@markiplier

@jacksoopticboop

[dumbhoe411]

I call this: I’m not relevant or knowledgeable enough to make posts but I just want everyone to treat each other with kindness

I’ve had to rewrite this because I accidentally deleted the first one... it’s probably for the best I got a little emotional.

Anywho I’m going to start this by saying I am in no way talking down on anyone I know people express themselves differently and A post like this can make it seem like I believe more highly of myself than others but I don’t, I’ve been that person who is a cynical asshole who makes everyone around them feel utterly miserable but I’ve learnt through people that I’ve met and things that I’ve seen that life is better when you’re kinder and happier and look for the best in situations. I’ve learnt from Harry himself a phrase that I’ll live by for the rest of my life, a phrase that has bettered my life overall and made me into a person that I’m happy with and I love myself a lot more than I used to. I’m only 18 and I have a lot to learn and experience but for now I’m content with myself.

This last week has really shown me an ugly side to people that Im honestly shocked by. It started with some things I saw on twitter regarding the Dolan twins fathers death, im not super into the Dolan twins I know who they are but I don’t watch their videos, however this is still utterly disturbing to me and it should be for any sane person. There were people who were making fun of it to promote their favourite kpop bands and that just left me feeling horrible and sad. Then came those people who were trying to attend the funeral itself like it was some opportunity to meet their idols and those people didn’t even see anything wrong with what they were doing. Disgusting.

Then came the babygate drama that we all know so well and we’re all sick of, I personally don’t beleive babygate I think it’s horrible and the people who think that babygate is best case scenario need to rethink their morals. It’s a horrible theory that, if it were real, has ruined so many people’s lives including the child itself. If babygate were real I most likely would stop actively supporting louis and his career because it’s such a scummy thing to do and be a part of. Just because you don’t like the idea of louis or Harry being with other people doesn’t mean you have to scare off every single person they get close to, it’s their business let them live. People would rather believe that louis’ own biological father is the actual father (yes this is something someone said) than believe that louis just got high, forgot to wrap it and trap it, and as a result accidentally conceived a child, this is someone that happens so often it’s not unheard but what is unheard of is a celebrity faking their own child for 3 years who coincidentally looks exactly like him. It really shows that people don’t tend to practice what they preach, there are people on this site who have “treat people with kindness” in their bio’s but as soon as someone disagrees with them they start throwing insults left right and centre. Recently there was someone with an apauling attitude I’m sure you all saw, they are a huge advocate for babygate and have made so many rediculous theories, which I don’t have a problem with we all make our own theories everything that has ever been said about Larry has been purely theories, but when you bring in the people in Harry and louis’ lives like their families and just insult them like you know more than they do, the people who actually know louis in real life and know his life, that’s when it becomes a problem. When you treat your theories like they are 100% the truth that’s when I have a problem, and then justifying your behaviour by saying it’s all public information that is already out there on the internet. That doesnt change the fact that it’s still rude and disrespect. Your maturity really shows when you counter and argument or criticism by insulting the person who criticised you and then turn the argument into them. I sent them a little message in hopes that they would read it and reflect on it and show some empathy or at the very least think about what I said. (However I recently found out they just blocked me and didn’t read it at all.) I’m going to post what I said here and kind of direct it in general to people who don’t see a problem with some of the gross things they post and people who chose to actively insult others online.

People sometimes forget that Harry and louis are real people. Some people treat them like they are characters in a movie who don’t have real feelings or real families, friends and loved ones. Larry to me is about celebrating a special love that is greater than any other, the fact that something that’s all about love has created some of the most hateful people is disappointing. I just wish that in the future we can realise that not everyone is going to have the same opinions but that is no reason to insult someone. I also hope that people start to actually treat people with kindness and practice what they preach. Sometimes people don’t meet people who can impact their life and bring out their best qualities but people in the 1d fandom don’t have that excuse, Harry styles is a wonderful role model who has pretty much shaped me as a person. He preaches and practices kindness and people admire and respect him for it and I hope that someone reads this one day and this can change them.

I’m aware that this is quite a pathetic thing to address, I’m an 18 year old who loves 1d an alarming amount and who is currently spending her free time (which is a lot as I’ve just finished school) talking about a relationship that may or may not be real and ranting about how gross the internet can be, but I just want everyone to see that kindness is a virtue, it’s something that people admire and find desirable in other people. So to the 4 people who may see this please, please please be kind and gentle with one another everyone deserves kindness. Treat people how you want to be treated and love one another. All the love - dumbhoe ✌️

[yamlog]

before february comes

ok so like, it is one thing to know about smth hurtful when it has just happened but it is A COMPLETELY OTHER THING ALTOGETHER to be asked about it by someone who for some reason, thought that you knew all along all these months WHEN YOU DIDN’T. and why would i? did i not say many many times that i am NOT going to keep up? i am actively avoiding, i am keeping my feed clean and free from distractions, i NEVER look at my explore page except to follow very specific hashtags. i have been PROTECTING my peace of mind and sanity with all my energy and effort for like, what, 1.5 years. for good reason. and then to be asked (borderline informed) something so PREPOSTEROUS. do you know how sick i felt when i heard? i was trying to work and it became impossible because my brain was so confused i started feeling nauseas. i had to skip dinner and immediately take action instead of letting that horrible feeling burrow deeper into my chest. i didn’t even have to see anything in person. people sent me screenshots, telling me that they will look at it on my behalf and i shouldn’t go and see. and that’s not even the worst thing. the worst thing is all the consolation messages that came from SO MANY DIFFERENT PEOPLE later on, coming out and confessing and saying they knew and they suspected but they didn’t want to tell me because they knew i’d be shocked and disgusted and upset and they wanted to protect me from the news because i was trying to pass practicum. and i love them for that, i really do. my friends really just do want the best for me and they are not willing to start a war or actively do anything, but they do care enough to message me in private to share their thoughts on the matter. i got so many ‘i saw her story and i was so surprised,” “it’s such a shady thing to do,” and “what is she trying to prove.” then of course there were people who were very critical of the presentation and how it seems deliberately designed to mislead. and when i clarified, it just made everyone even more confused. ‘huh, if not dating then why she post as if they were’ ‘need to tag meh’ ‘she tag for who to see’ ‘is she trying to show off got a guy wait for her to end work and take many pictures of her on their dates? and then must tag the guy so everyone can see who it is even though he’s not inside?’ ‘how come her username is like a copy of your tinycl0ud’ (lmao i wish i knew the answer to this one but at this point is anyone surprised? no.) ‘is it she want his dick’ ‘dating or not dating it’s very obvious she has interest’ etc etc

so here are MY thoughts, after having talked to practically everyone in my life about it. my thoughts reflect most of what others think. i am trying to be conscious of the fact that i’m still too emotional to really formulate my own opinion, and so of course it is easier to mirror and receive the opinions of those around me. but i think until i can finish processing, i am okay with received feelings.

number one: indignation. because Yes, why the fuck even do this? sg is so fucking big and full of other men. if you want a bf or new friends it’s so easy to find. must go after your ex-friend’s ex-partner? the rest of the sg don’t have men isit? you won’t be happy unless you get to experience that which you have always envied in me isit? you tag, knowing full well that people in MY life still follow and EVERYONE knows what he looks like and who he is. so what is the fucking intention? to show that someone finds you attractive enough to take photos of you? you know, quite a few people have pointed out to me the fact that i used to be the frequent subject of his phone camera (i am grateful but i have also thankfully moved on), and that maybe you have always envied it, and now that it’s your turn you’re revelling. ppl take picture of you like you always wanted, ok good for you, but must tag to make sure everyone knows exactly who did it? so everyone knows you hang out? or maybe date? because who else would wait for you to end your shift and buy you drinks but someone you’re romantically involved with. and you tag so everyone knows it’s a guy, and it’s THAT particular guy. gross and pathetic. which brings me to the next point.

number two: disdain and disgust. why hanker after someone’s ex?? i really don’t get it. was it because on my private twitter i said that i enjoyed myself and he treated me well, so now she has it in her head that she wants the same treatment? a normal human being doesn’t do that. in fact, i have read her tweets about how much she enjoyed having sex with the guy from tinder she had a fling with, with very lengthy descriptions of his dick size and texture, and not once did i feel the need to go and experience it for myself. because there’s this thing called girl code, on top of basic human decency. normal people DON’T hanker after their friends’ exes, even after friendship ends. MORE THAN ONE EX TOO. normal people also don’t tweet stupid shit like ‘every time julian took public transport and waited outside studio i felt so envious because ___ never did that for me, even though he had a motorcycle and could go anywhere, which makes me wonder if i’m not worth being loved.’ LIKE UM OK HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL, reading something so MANIPULATIVE AND GUILT-TRIPPY ON TWITTER DOT COM. julian wasn’t a great ex (or even a great person) but he did occasionally do nice things, and you romanticise the ONE thing to the point of comparing it with your own lacking relationship?? red flag. and then when i have another ex, you hanker after what he represents once again, which is good treatment. well idk what to say but people i date generally treat me well sometimes. and the common factor here is obviously me. so even if you date the same guys i date it doesn’t mean?? u will be treated the same way?????? just a thought. it is truly extremely pathetic to hang onto hope that this Perfect Idealised Boyfriend On A Pedestal could someday be yours if you just wait long enough. you waited 2 years for your RC ex and he still dumped you for a virginal year 1. i hate him on your behalf, and never in a million years would i consider wanting him, no matter how attractive or charismatic he is. simply because, even though i hate you, i will NOT touch your exes that I KNOW FULL WELL have hurt you. 

number three: anger. i don’t hate people. not really. like i don’t think i’ve ever hated anyone enough to wish they’d die a horrible and gruesome death. but the past two days i have felt anger so big it felt like my entire chest was on fire and if i screamed it would come out like a blowtorch. i wanted to take my new ceramic knife and saw off her fingers one by one and then grate her stupid ugly nose off. that was for a moment, and the moment has passed. but i don’t think the hatred will. i can very confidently say that, at least for the next two weeks or so, i will hate her enough to risk damnation. because she IS fucking despicable. and now i guess everyone knows it too. 

there was a moment when i wondered why i was so stricken. i spoke to a friend to try to figure it out. i asked her, why am i so bothered. is it because if he dates her after dumping me it means that she’s better than me and that’s what i can’t stand? or is it because he actively makes time to meet her but not me, so on some level he actually does prefer her to me? then my friend said that she doesn’t think that’s the case, and that he probably can meet her PRECISELY because he doesn’t have romantic feelings and he won’t get entangled. additionally, she also reminded me that just because one man, even my ex that i loved deeper than anyone else, chooses her over me, it doesn’t mean his opinion is god’s opinion (or even a wise/informed one) and therefore it is fallacious to jump to the conclusion that he is right and that she IS better or that she has ‘won’. i added to that and said that yes, people are not prizes to begin with anyway. and yes, one man’s judgment does not determine my worth. another friend just said, very bluntly, that his initial thought was ‘let the trash take the trash out’. im still not okay with someone i still love being called trash because like, hello my feelings, but i understand his sentiments lah. 

no matter how i rationalise it, i guess it does hurt that he’d spend time with her but not once try to spend time with me. i’d make all the time, i honestly would. and i have endless reserves of care and attention and i feel like over time my capacity just increases, even with the new job and the new charges. but i also know that i never had any power in this relationship. i can’t make the first move, i can’t ask for anything, i will never call the shots because it’s imbalanced from the beginning. so if he doesn’t care to meet me but cares enough about HER to meet HER then what can i do? nothing. just accept it like a horrible itchy clothing tag giving you a rash but u can’t exactly strip down bc ur in public. maybe over time he will start to think that she is right for him, she can make him happy, she is his soulmate. she will have won, my friends’ predictions will be right, i will have been wrong about his character, and once again there will be nothing i can do. 

maybe it’s better that he cares so little for me he doesn’t even want to see me at all. because i don’t think my feelings have gone away. it’s magnetic. like an orbital pull. and i know that if i get a little bit i will just want all of it. it was hard enough to pull away the last time and pretend i had to go and pretend i was fine. so if he doesn’t want me in his orbit, maybe it’s actually god’s blessing in disguise and god is trying to tell me that it’s better to be untethered in space than it is to be attached to someone who doesn’t even love me. better to be unhappy on my own than believe i’m happy with someone who doesn’t want me right??? 

serenity prayer: grant me the serenity to accept that which i cannot change, the courage to change that which i can, and the wisdom to tell the difference.