#im just soooo tired of these same kinds of jokes over and over and over and over

[traaanskimkitsuragi]

starting to think maybe im just too old for cartoons

[narwhalandchill]

anyway finished the story and. (firefly Heavy (!!!!!!) negativity im basically toxic and venting; overall spoilers)

im just. the ayaka-teppei act they were doing for firefly was way too fucking heavy handed and rushed in delivery to feel anything than hollow and artificial im sorry 💀💀 we knew her for 2h and that shes super sick and sad about it and lied to us from the start and thats warranting the kind of overblown emotional response in the cutscene when shes offed from TB??? yeah its giving delusion factory lmao what a joke

like granted fireflys VA was doing the absolute MOST to sell the act and all the props to her like the performance was excellent but i am. never. going to give a shit about a character whose entire manner of introduction and narrative presence equals to the writers smugly fanning themselves at their so-called genius because of COURSE youll keel over in awe and fawn all over this character uwuwu AND youll like it!!!!! as they gleefully shove it down your throat

like when the fucking LYNCHPIN of an emotional arc presupposes that every single player is absolutely obligated to feel soooo super emotionally attached OwO to the one character thats so blatantly designed to be the most formulaic fucking bait for self inserting and setup for a predictable kick the puppy moment its just..... this isnt it chief ugh i hate it

unironically worst part of the entire TB quest i am. Never going to be the target audience for this shit

like. logically ik part of this is just bc i am just.so vehemently opposed to this trope that i start developing a violent allergic rash the second i smell even the hint of the archetype so i was like. Groaning from the second it became obvious it was going to be another ayaka story quest (which didnt take long). like shes not as offensive as a character as my vitriolic dislike of her archetype suggests but shes easily the weakest aspect of the new story and just subpar writing it suckkssss

like robins death was EASILY vastly more emotionally impactful and shocking bc at least it came out of left field. firefly gets merked and im rolling my eyes bc its just so embarrassing lmao like. was the lesson they took from ayaka that her circumstances werent sad and sympathy baity enough to warrant attachment and thought the solution was to just make hsr ayaka-teppei Super Giga Mega Tragic omgggg. God im tired of this shit

like to be clear im just. such a hater for this trope i dont think its fucking humanely possible to make me like it but i was hoping for firefly to be at least like. Tolerable. let us remain apprehensive and wary throughout and then let those players who get attached to her project those feelings into their experience but NOT presume their existence by default in order for the story to work but. Well. guess they never learned the right lessons eh

im fucking begging her not to play any more significant role going forward i cannot stand it

im sorry firefly you deserved better than this clumsy ass embarrassment of a writing and im sorry ill never be able to like you as a character. your VA was pulling all the stops and your design is visually quite pretty but. it is what it is. im less mad as im just disappointed that it ended up rhe same old formulaic sympathy bait after all.

[nyxthejinx]

🔮 anon makes her appearANCE ONCE AGAIN !! this angst train truly is addicting, im never getting off.

bUT

i suPPOSE we can give diluc his little hopeful / happy ending. We’ve been stringing him a long far to long lol .

What if right after the scarf incident that he witnesses, he approached kaeya and reader , kaeya is still hugging/ trying to hide them, and reaches out to them with the scarf. And things just start to unravel from there.

I imagine that to get through to reader, he needs to ge through kaeya as well. ( he probably teases diluc over the fact that he got through to their sibling first lmao )

While they may have their differences , the thing that will hold them together from now on is their younger sibling. They kind of take advantage of the fact that they have to talk about their sibling to each other and just slowly , very slowly repair their own relationship as well.

But since Kaeya is now closer to the youngest sibling, he acts as mediator. Willing to step up to the role and act on his desire to bear readers problems. something he wasn’t able to do before , unlike the reader who kept his secret.

He’s like a bridge between the two. Since he’s been trying to make exploring with the reader a common occurrence, he slowly starts to include Diluc. He goes at the readers pace, starting up conversations and jokes when things get a bit to tense.

Just talking to each other while watching the stars. The brothers might fake fight here , knowing it would make their younger sibling laugh , something she rarely does now and they want to change that.

While reader is still afraid of Diluc in a way, they want to over come their fear because deep down they will always love their oldest brother. But it’s hard to even touch him sometimes. So, what if one day after they set up their little camp to rest from all their exploring , reader was brushing kaeyas hair (putting flowers in it), she gets the courage to approach diluc and ask if she could do the same to him .

Diluc immediately says yes lmao. (he’s probably super happy and emotional internally ). This would probably be the first time they ever had contact bc before Diluc probably became aware of their fear of hands, especially his, so he would never initiate physical contact with her unless she approached them first . So, after waiting soooo long , they made some progress. All the while kaeya is teasing diluc on how pretty he looks with all the flowers in his hair even tho kaeya still has a bunch in his lol.

After that maybe reader links her pinky with dilucs but doesn’t grab on to his hand just yet. They would probably need to work on that a lot more but i think they would both be content with the progress made so far. Diluc probably doesn’t care how long it would take for them to trust him , just like kaeya , he would wait for however long it took.

I think from here on out all three of them become aware of each other’s feelings to truly become a family again and genuinely start putting in the work to strengthen their sibling bond. But both Diluc and Kaeya put in the most work so that their younger sibling would be once again care free. Wanting to brighten the glow in their eye that has slowly started to make an appearance.

wHEW, that . was . gOOD. i wrote this while trying not to fall asleep so ignore all my spelling mistakes and long ass sentences. but hopefully this was good and i hope in the future we could talk about more of the future shenanigans they might get into lmao. i wanted to write stuff about it like sleep overs , messing with each other while using their visions , or just normal sibling behavior that includes ganging up on one of the siblings lmao bUT this is all my tired brain can pump out for now

🔮 a n o n

I know you're trying to kill me, there's no other explanation because UGHH THE ANGST BUT THEN THE FLUFF. Too precious, gg to your sleepy brain cause I can't work this good when I'm awake.

The scarf thing is a perfect gesture to reintroduce Diluc to reader. He's exposing himself, showing he wants to fix his mistakes. And Reader, albeit hesitantly, does take the scarf from him while hiding behind Kaeya's figure.

I think reader would leave after that, saying they need a moment alone. Meanwhile Diluc and Kaeya speak, without sassy remarks or impatience. They talk for the first time in three years, like civil people, because it's about their sibling, not about them.

Diluc takes the lead and explains the origin of those scars. Though Kaeya feels like grimacing he keeps a straight face; he doesn't judge, or scold, or anything, it would only put more distance between them. Diluc already knows his faults and doesn't need a useless lecture.

And just like you said Kaeya would be the mediator in the beginning. Helps Diluc come up with decent apologies, asks reader if they want to see him, how they feel about his presence. And they don't even try to act tough, they say it out aloud, they're scared.

Scared of his face, of his presence, of his vision, of his hands. They're scared and don't know how to deal with the emotional scar he left.

They're honest with him, they don't sugar-coat their pain. But it's not about accusing him or provoking his guilt, it's about being honest with their feelings so that they can start over.

And so, at an agonising pace, they all patch the crater between them.

They get to a point where reader just moves water from a pond over diluc's head and splashes it cause they're feeling petty that day. If Kaeya wants he can freeze him right after, but reader won't move a muscle to stop Diluc from chasing his brother. It's too damn funny.

Or they steal Diluc's crystal flies when he's right about to catch them, running around with a smirk and plucking out a grape or two on their way.

They always side with Kaeya for obvious reasons, but the day reader chooses Diluc's side he thinks he's in heaven.

Kaeya's creating a frozen path to cross a particularly large lake, and that's when Diluc cuts the bridge and reader starts creating waves.

"ha ha, very funny guys. Pull me back to the shore, yeah?" But the water moves and moves and he falls from the platform. Reader laughs and reaches out for a high five without even thinking. When Diluc pats back with a feather touch not to scare them away, they realise physical contact with him isn't too scary anymore.

Yes, he has gloves, yes, it was less than a second. But it's contact. Progress.

That's why they offer to braid his hair that night. Why they intertwine their pinkies with little to no hesitation. Why Diluc finally matches the memories of him in reader's mind: he's smiling big.

[franeridart]

Anon said: Are you still into krbk? I noticed you haven't draw them a lot recently (I don't mean to pressure you, I was just wondering)

I still very much am!!! but a convergence of unrelated happenings (my focus being unusually scattered, lack of general motivation, them not having interacted much in the manga lately, my having pulled out of the fandom a little for a bunch of reasons, having gotten into a lot of new things I want to make a lot of stuff for ??) had my output of stuff for them/inspiration related to them die down a lot ): I miss them though, I should fill a page with doodles of them one of these days... well, I haven’t drawn much in genereal lately, so maybe let’s start first with fixing that haha

Anon said: Fun Fact : In smash bros ultimate there are spirits with octopath traveler and they're in pairs and guess what ? Alfyn and Therion are together :3

I KNOW!!!!!! It makes me so emo I’m a bundle of feelings they’re soulmates I tell youuuuuuuuuuu ;;A;; (little inconsequential things making me a mess, what’s new xD) - another fun fact is that h’aanit and ophilia share one too!! and I ship them too!! and cyrus and tressa share one as well, and they’re my brother’s mains in his save! A series of delightful little coincidences haha

Anon said: Will you be drawing more Jujutsu Kaisen? I love your art sm and I would love to see more!!!!

Right now I feel like I want to spend the next ten years drawing these kids, so I sure hope so! But as I said my focus has been very scattered for the past three or so months, so I can’t promise anything ): let’s both enjoy it while it lasts haha

Anon said: You are my emotional support artist. I check back every once and a while and BOOM. Serotonin.

You’re too kind!!!! But thank you, I’m glad I can make you feel better! :D

Anon said: i'm super new to your art (and mha) and i just wanted to say your krbk stuff is just !!!!!!! it makes me so happy and makes my poor jaded heart feel something and it's just all around incredible!!!

Thank you so much!!!!!!!!!! I’m glad you like my way of portraying the kids!!!!

Anon said: I’m about to cry I’ve spent an hour looking though your bnha tag for that lil comic where Kiri hugs Baku and. It. Sent. Me. Back. To. The. Top. I didn’t even get to finish reading it. I’m so upset. So. So. So. Upset.

(same) Anon said: OH MY GOSH IT KEEPS SENDING ME TO THE TOO I HATE MOBILE AND LOVE YOU I LVOE YOU BUT THIS WEBSITE IS K I L L I N G ME I JIST WANNA SEE WHAT HAPPENS AS KIRI ATTEMPTS TO HUG BAKUGOU BUT NOOOO, AN HOUR OF MY TIME ISNT ENOUGH SAYS THE TIME STEALER

(samesame) Anon said: I. Found the hug thing. On Pinterest. In. Five. Seconds. I hate life but also it was really cute. Thank you but seriously I hate this website

The saga hahaha sorry anon I couldn’t get to you before you went out of your mind trying to find it, I got the asks in the middle of the night! Glad you could find it, though I’m kinda sad you had to look on pinterest for it (...sad it is on pinterest at all tbh) here it is anyway, if this is the one you were talking about! you really went back in the years for this one huh

Anon said: So for that thing that you made a w h i l e ago where Bakugou ruffles Kirishima’s hair, right? So I imagine Kiri is like w h a t and calls over Mina or Denki or Sero or all of them or something like that and tells them and is freaking out and they’re like “he wasn’t in the right mindset, you know he sleeps at 8:32” and make a joke out of it as Kiri is freaking out. And Kiri is freaking out soooo much as they are crying laughing on the floor at Bakugou’s sleeping schedule.

hahaha I’m sure he must have freaked out on them at some point after that, and bakugou must have done the same (probably with jirou, less likely but more hilarious with todoroki or tokoyami haha) - though, the original idea came from a bigger one where the scene in the comic didn’t bring them anywhere closer to getting together (or figuring out they’re into each other, for the matter lmao idiots) maybe one day I’ll get back on that >:]

Anon said: In your comments, you said “at this point my hands will never forget” and I had a nozaki-kun memory float into my head, imagining him sick and trying to make his deadline xD yes muscle memory

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anon you have no idea how often I think about that hahaha yes, I say my hands won’t forget but we all know that’s exactly how it’ll end at some point lol

Anon said: dang this happens all the time like I follow someone for their bnha content and then like two months after following them I find out they used to make yowapeda content and im just sitting their like dang thats wild because bnha and yowapeda are like the only two animes I watch

ANON!!!! HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Always so nice to find other ywpd fans!!!!!!!! Sorry I’m not making art for it anymore (for now) but despite my sister insisting I read the manga already I’ve been putting it off......for years lol but it’s on my reading list!! So maybe I’ll get back on it at some point!

Anon said: FRAN!!!!!! i love ur art so much and im trying to buy ur products on redbubble and i geniunely cant decide what to get!!!!! i tired asking my friend but she doesnt know which one either hahahahhahah ig i just wanted to send this because i really appreciate u and u are very talented. im sending u lots of high vibrations and love❤️🧡

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!! It means so much to me that you guys are still buying my stuff (TTATT) I should...........seriously update it..........gomen m(._.)m

Anon said:YES YES YEEES MORE ALFYON ON THE WAYYYYYY 💖💖💖💖💖 They're both the cutest really their ship is the beeest  Try reading some the alfyon fanfics if you have some time, they're really good ! The one i really recommend you is Crismonberries, blackberries by court_court on Ao3 !Your art is the best ever can't wait to see more octopath !!💖💖💖

Anon thank you SO MUCH for suggesting that fic to me I!!!!!!!!!!!! loved it so much I deep-dived into it and spent two straight days reading it it’s such a gem!!!!! ;;; bless you

Anon said: Have you watched Fullmetal Alchemist?

Hell yeah! Only Brotherhood though. I read the manga too tho!!

Anon said: Have you read Noragami? It’s one of my favourite manga, and the anime isn’t half bad either (still waiting for s3 tho lol) anyway it’s really good, concept-wise it’s similar to Soul Eater, I totally recommend

I watched the first season back when it aired! It’s not really my thing though ): feels a bit sad in that very specific way that always ends up just making me miserable as I keep reading............................... sorry

Anon said: I will never not be in love with your art. Everytime I'm feeling down and/or missing the boys I scroll through your krbk tag and it reminds me exactly of why I love them so much and I'm so thankful for that. Your brand of krbks is the one I love the most and honestly thank you so much for all your marvelous art of them and of other things as well because you art is just so pretty and I love seeing your ocs and other fandom art 💕💕💕

Anon I love you......................... ;;;;; thank you so much, you have no idea how much this means to me (oTT^TT)o<3

[wsgeon]

hey everyone! ummm this is peyton (also the mun of lee hyeon) taking a second shot at a second character — i have a lot of muse for this one, so i swear he’ll be around for a while… 🥵 this is ryu geon, yes his name rhymes with hyeon’s & no i do not care ♥️ he’s the lead guitarist/vocalist of meta and also the son of a former nobody rockstar, but i’ll get into all that below! like this post if you’d like for me to come into your ims to plot, click the read more for more info on geon, and/or click here to be taken to his pages: CAREER, DOSSIER, PINTEREST.

HISTORY.

born in autumn ‘97 to a “budding rockstar” (translation: “no yeah i swear our band’s really starting to take off, we sold twenty-three tickets to our last show!”) & a woman with commitment issues ♥️ geon’s dad always told him that his mom left because she had some dire matters that needed to be taken care of and SWORE that she cried the last time she held her dear baby boy, but all of his dad’s bandmates say that she was just some groupie and had to be persuaded into carrying her child to term… who can say for sure?

naturally, there are no pictures of this mystery woman. there was one (1) of her holding infant geon, but then he found out that that was actually a sound tech who worked for his dad’s band… and he just never corrected geon’s assumptions LOLLLL

anyway! he was always really close to his dad, considering they were a two-person family. he has a set of grandparents, an aunt and a couple cousins but they were never involved with geon’s life because his dad is the #blacksheep of the family. geon and his dad against the world, am i right?

uhhh geon was also kind of a black sheep growing up, but he didn’t really notice? he was a happy kid, very energetic and enthusiastic. a lot of adults in the area looked down on him & his dad, but he was SOOOO blind to it because his dad’s a god in his eyes and HE’S always been nice to everyone, so why would they not like him??? because his clothes smelled a little like dad’s cigarette smoke??? big deal

wasn’t troublesome (beyond talking too much), but a lot of people still expected bad things from him :/ “his father’s a dirtbag, i’ll be surprised if that boy doesn’t end up in jail by 20”, “he won’t amount to anything without a proper role model in his life”, “his dad is teaching him how to slack off”, “he won’t contribute anything to society”, etc. he kindaaa picked up on this as he got older but pretended not to because it was more rewarding to play dumb and keep being a good kid(tm) to prove them wrong

was basically a mini version of his dad. same style, similar features, birthmarks in the same places, same “live today, die tomorrow” approach in life, same affinity for singing & playing rock music. ummm he loved his dad a lot. a lot. a lot. wanted to make him proud SO BAD, started his first band when he was 15 and they sucked so bad but his dad was their biggest fan… you know how it is. a lot of people misunderstood him, but he was a very good guy and such a great parent

TW DEATH unfortunately he passed away just shy of geon’s 18th birthday and your boy still hasn’t forgiven the world for taking his dad when he was in the middle of his angsty teen phase — had he known that their time together was dwindling, he would’ve been so so so much better to him END TW

his dad’s band actually rocketed into the charts after he passed & suddenly they were getting loads of publicity, lots of “what a shame that he went under-appreciated” which pissed geon off SOOOO bad because why couldn’t they have had that energy when he was still alive? he’s still mad about it five/six years later

this is getting kinda long, so uhhh tl;dr, he ended up staying with the drummer of his dad’s band until he was old enough to live alone/READY to live alone, but he changed quite a bit. was really going through it, quit his band, stopped putting effort into school. barely graduated. went from being a social butterfly spending every weekend at a gig or with friends to spending all of his time on a pc or in front of a tv, playing console games. the internet comforted him when nobody else would/could and then he met the future members of meta <33333333 #newbeginnings

present day geon is still struggling, has to go to counseling bi-weekly but he’s coming back out of his shell! he wants to fall in love with life again, just wants to tread carefully... outgoing & will talk to absolutely anyone, but he still spends most of his time alone. hard to reach by text, so if you wanna talk to him, you better call/facetime LMAO. talks a mile a minute, especially if you get him going abt something he really likes. laughs a lot, smiles a lot, more habitual than actual signs of happiness but yk. ummm he has a really loud voice, mostly controlled nowadays but he still gets carried away sometimes. an absolute menace during long drives/flights, sorry meta.

funny but only when he’s in large groups. feeds off of other peoples’ energy, really good at reading a room and breaking the ice/making everyone comfortable, but if you meet him 1-on-1, none of his jokes land quite the same.

i envision him as being the kind of guy who carries himself in such a way that you’d assume he’s really popular/out of reach/maybe even full of himself, but he’s... not like that... at all... in fact, he’s kinda irritating when you get to know him. the personification of a flood followed by a drought and vice versa, always either too much or not enough. gets used/ghosted/dropped/dumped/whatever a lot because he’s soooo fun in the moment (if he isn’t in his feelings), but draining long-term.

really emotionally intelligent, in touch with his feelings in a way that a lot of people never thought he would be (probably thanks to counseling tbh). he’s very very rarely the type of person who will make you wonder what your place in his life is — he’s communicative, kind, honest. ummm he thinks that intimacy between friends needs to be more common, so he’s really affectionate with the people in his life. type of guy to tell you he loves you every chance he gets (calling you when he’s drunk, sounding like a clingy ex type beat) & greet you/depart with a hug. losing his dad kinda fucked him up in the way that he won’t leave/hang up until his friends say “i love you” back, gets kinda (re: very) upset if he’s denied that and/or a hug.

TRIVIA.

has been playing the guitar “longer than he’s been walking” (not really, but he swears it’s true).

uhhh he really likes nail art, but he’s kinda hesitant in what he tries? mainly sticks to black polish (or other plain colors), but sometimes he’ll get little designs added in as well. mainly does it himself because he still doesn’t feel comfortable in salons... if his work looks bad, leave him alone <3 he’s trying

inspired by people like kurt cobain, nicky wire, yungblud, billie joe armstrong & damiano david in the fact that he’s not against wearing dresses or skirts on stage. doesn’t do it ALL the time, but often enough that it doesn’t go unnoticed. some people say that he does it for attention because he doesn’t dress like that elsewhere and tbh they’re probably kinda right

interested in history (only SOME... dinosaurs, ancient civilizations, specialized areas like the history of circuses/clowns/skateboarding/punk, stuff like that yk), stand-up comedy & documentaries. could spend a whole day watching documentaries and would say he had fun, has a lot of useless knowledge that nobody gives a fuck about and is kinda dumb when it comes to things that matter

when it comes to music, he prefers playing really fast and heavy rock or punk over anything else, but he actually listens to a lot more soft indie on his own time... he’s too tense these days to be listening to anything else RIPPP

the vibe: homemade tie-dye, ripped slipknot t-shirts, frosted tips, neon crocs with alien & peace-sign charms, chipped black nail polish, calloused hands, cheesy pick-up lines used NOT to land a date but to pull a smile, driving until he’s lost, stupid socks paired with pressed suits, dramatic poetry in an iphone note, etc. 

PLOT IDEAS.

people he met through online support groups about coping with grief

uhhh an on & off relationship that’s been going for who-knows-how-long. the reason for this is up for discussion, but i imagine that he hasn’t given up yet because the constant highs and lows are a good source of inspo 🤪 artists must suffer for their art!

opposite side of the coin — someone he’s interested in, but he’s NOT disloyal so it’s a pattern of persistent courting when he’s single vs intense friend-zoning when he’s not and they’re getting tired of trying to figure out what he wants from them

someone else who likes nail art & can convince him that NOBODY cares if he goes to a salon

someone (probably female but doesn’t really matter tbh) who feels like his feminism is entirely performative… maybe they attack him directly for it or maybe they just REALLY don’t like him and they’re super vague about it idk. either way, please tell him that activism is much more than recommending one female artist a year and saying “clothes have no gender 🤪” so he can be praised for the bare minimum (his heart is in the right place but his skull is empty)

someone super introverted who comes out of their shell with geon! uhhh maybe they think that he’s the one doing them a favor, but in reality spending time with them has been doing wonders for his mental health

other people who like to skate. let’s congregate at the local skatepark and scare the middle schoolers away

someone who inspires him musically, for whatever reason. lots of late nights in studios, idly strumming his guitar and writing lyrics that definitely aren’t about how their eyes look in these dim lights… umm maybe he thinks he has a crush on them but really doesn’t and ends up hurting them eventually, maybe he really DOES have a crush but will (probably) never do anything abt it or maybe it’s entirely platonic and he just admires them a ridiculous amount

someone who likes to make music as a hobby, prob won’t publish/release any of it but it’s fun to imagine. spontaneous meetings with geon in the middle of the night, recording songs together and keeping the WORST takes for the laughs. there’s probably a diss-track of them going in on each other floating around somewhere even though geon can’t rap for shit

night owls who keep him company on the phone, even if they can’t be there physically. them talking really quietly vs geon shouting at them while he plays games LMAO

gaming buddies. come over, maybe you can carry geon through his game of the week or you can both fail but have fun while you’re at it… or you can scream while he fends off that hoard of zombies behind you

i’m typing this at the last minute (literally) so i’m gonna stop here, but i will get a proper plots page put up asap with a wider variety of connections!!! but as always, please do let me know if you have any other ideas. i’m always happy to plot and write with you all 🌚

[purge-that-urge-rhackathon]

So my epilogue document for All Sales Final is lost and i’ve been trying to locate it in vain for well over a week. So far failing in that, I’ve been attempting to remember what was it in and rewrite it. It’s just like 1k words or so but adhd makes life hard sooo that’ll be up when i can xD i really dont like saying i’d do something by a certain time, and i massively dropped the ball on that so i wanted to be accountable hahahah but it’ll be up and then freakin DONE as soon as i can manage :D im gonna feel sooo much stress relief when that happens like trust me we’re all looking forward to it BAHAHHA XD

I’ve also been massively depressed (which took a hot minute to recognize cuz it is NOT the same kind of depression ive felt in the past), and also went through a crisis of not being able to get my increased-dose adhd meds anymore (they’re like $500 a month apparently, and i’m below poverty level for yearly income so the state of california usually takes care of it in total but they wouldn’t authorize my higher dosage, then the generic with a manufacturer’s coupon was still $103 a month, and i had a total meltdown cuz my meds help my brain a LOT and not being able to get it like im ready to die now lololol but THEN after not responding since the 20th of august, my psychiatrist got back to me and got mediCal to authorize my meds soooo im still reeling on that and a lot of other stuff). I’ve sold my plasma a little over a week ago and im waiting for my veins to fully heal before trying again (there were complications they deemed unsafe so they only got a quarter of a liter before they sent me home) and im really hoping there aren’t complications next time I go in, cuz THEN my name goes on a national registry of individuals who can’t donate plasma, and the money is GOOD even if it really hurt for days afterwards, soooo im also stressing about that. The silver lining though is that regardless of the amount they’re able to harvest, I’ll still get the $185, and that’s like half a paycheck for me so im really excited by that :D It’s gotten really busy lately at my job too so I’ve actually got normal part time hours this week, so i’ve been more tired and playing catch-up with everything and its affected my writing time D:<

im just exhausted with life; with the pandemic and the fucking morons prolonging it; with my worst nightmare come true in Roe v. Wade being destroyed; with living in a super toxic, invalidating environment I have to be at the mercy of; with my fuckhead father whose life i dont give a fucking shit about anymore like hooo don’t even get me started; and also recognizing the decades of childhood trauma/abuse i’ve lived with and thought was normal until very recently. I still haven’t made the phone call to find a therapist that specializes in childhood trauma and ptsd (and that also stresses me out like mad crazy cuz i have a LOT of healing that needs to be done but goddamn i dont enjoy finally comprehending the level of abuse and trauma and toxicity in my life like that shit breaks you guys) soooooo i’ve been goin through some stuff recently and still trying to have a good attitude about it xD i definitely cry on the way home from work every day cuz i dont want to have to come back home, but my cats are there and i look forward to petting them every day sooo we keep on with that HAHA

....on the plus, my younger sister and her husband are actively looking to buy their first home with land connected to it, and she said i can come live with them when that happens, sooooo something to maybe look forward to in the next year. We keep making jokes about a commune, but she wants to live totally off-grid, and i know how to grow weed and enough food to supplement a pantry so like... that would actually be so cool if it happened but for now its just another fun thing to dream about while living the nightmare LOL at least im saving money on fun things xD

[winchesterxxi]

hai Sam! soooo lemme just say that your fics are ✨sooo good✨like what are you doing to me🤌🏽-

id like to request a ship! im latina, im 5'6 and a quarter (that quarter is very important to me😅) andddd ive got some curves and chubs. got long black hair that goes past my waist and eyes that are almost black cuz of how dark brown they are

im my free time i just like to chill, and i am in no way a sporty girl whatsoever, like i dont even work out which is uhm...

yeah anyway....

i use humor to make everyone think that im okay so that people dont worry about me. i couldnt care less about myself, but if someone thats close to me isnt taking care of themselves im always there to make sure they are okay. my personality type is INFP. some people that ive let into my life just used me as their comfort object (since im very good at connecting w people emotionally and they just use me to get hugs or rant which is uhm fine i guess 🤷🏽‍♀️) so i now have MAJOR trust issues. im a very romantic person, like i always find beauty in everything i touch or see, anddddy head is ALWAYS up in the clouds.

THANK YOU SO MUCH I HOPE IM NOT ASKING FOR TOO MUCH

excuse me while i go and simp over your fanfics-

SHIP REQUESTS ARE NOW CLOSED

This request absolutely sent me 🥺👉👈 you’re so adorable agghhh 💕

I ship you with Din Djarin!

I JUST KNOW the man will be practically close to ripping his hair off whenever you go with him on a hunt through a planet, always dragging your feet behind him and whining about how tiring this all is and always asking if the destination was still too far.

“JUST MOVE YOUR KRIFFING FEET. Or I’m going to drag you.” he hisses through gritted teeth stomping through the ground ahead of you.

“Please do.” you sarcastically tell him. Well, kind of sarcastically.

You are the comic relief in the kid’s life, seriously. Weren’t it for you Grogu would spend his days terrified and confused but the subtle jokes that you threw around and your banter with Din always made him happily giggle.

You are so used to taking care of other people that when you meet Mando you just expect him to ask you to do practically everything for him, but you soon find out that isn’t quite the case, as he had been doing everything alone in his life up until that point, and he really only needs you to help out with the kid.

And it becomes hard. You being two people that are just so used to dealing with your emotions on your own, when you’re not repressing them, never trusting anyone else with personal stuff and you just need to slowly learn to let the other in.

So basically your love would stem from a slowly cultivated strong trust and respect which I think is just absolutely beautiful!

And despite at the beginning him absolutely hating the previously mentioned on-foot missions, with time he starts to notice that you stay behind because you are taking in everything around you, slowly mesmerizing at either the sky or a pattern you found on the side of the trunk of a tree.

It does start to change him, having someone that can find beauty in everything making him see those same things, after a life spent only thinking about survival.

[jaideite]

How about hcs of bakugo and todoroki(separately) getting body swapped with their s/o?

omg an ask that isn’t one of my friends 🥺

This was very interesting and reminded me of your name hehehe

i had to find a way to make this possible so it’s kind of the same thing basically an accidental quirk thingie ehh—

i tried to make this as gender neutral as possible cause I know some of y’all boys wanna get in on that and i can’t even blame y’all—

im also kind of iffy about how it came out so i hope you enjoy whoever requested 😔

BAKUGOU AND TODOROKI GETTING BODY SWAPPED WITH THEIR S/O

TODOROKI SHOTO

— you guys were going shopping for the dorms

— and you were both in one of the aisles along with this middle aged man and a woman with her kid

— so this little kid was getting pretty annoyed at the gloves on their hands and so when the parent wasn’t looking they just

— yEET

— fREEDOM MOTHAFU—

— anywho now that the kid was free it began to wander around happily

— ya know like a kid

— and you guys were right where the juice was and this little kid was like ‘jUiCE bOX’

— sadly he couldn’t reach it

— but guess who could

— immediately his little hands grab yours and Shoto’s and you both turn to him

— “hey little guys what’s wrong?”

— he simply points, letting go of your hand and to the juice box

— you smile and hand him the carton of juice and he happily squeals while taking it with both hands

— it’s then the mother lets out a panic noise and rushes over to the three of you, quickly shoving the gloves on the little boys hands

— “I’m so sorry I’m so sorry.”

— “There’s nothing to be sorry for ma’am, honestly.”

— “No, it’s not that. I’m sorry, the doctors spoke of his quirk making an appearance soon and I put gloves on just in case. I apologize.”

— and she’s off

— you two shrug it off too and keep going about your day

— the incident in the store long forgotten until you guys wake up

— you don’t really pay attention because come on who does in the morning until you roll from off the soft bed to straight to the floor

— you stop, and get up, running to the bathroom and turning the light on to be met with—

— your boyfriend

— you let out the most unmanly shriek —boy can for someone who’s voice is deep yell loud— and rush out his room to your room

— you constantly pound on the door trying to wake his slow ass up

— your about to swing again when the door is ripped open and there he is in your body looking very confused

— class 1-A is shook as well cause uh

— you look stoic and Shoto’s panicking

— “y/n calm down.”

— “I CANT IM SO MUCH TALLER THAN YOU!”

— “I know but please if you don’t you’ll—“

— you’re so shook at your own body touching you that you turn red and—

— “OH MY GOD HES ON FIRE—“

— y’all are shook

— you keep staring at him while he tries to focus

— every so often you have to try to stop the smoking coming from your left side whenever you look down and remember you’re not in your body

— after school when you guys are along together you kind of just start crying

— and Shoto freaks because he hasn’t cried since he was a little kid and it’s weird seeing himself cry

— so he kind of just

— *pat pat* “it’s oka—”

— “I JUST WANT MY BODY BAAACK!”

—“oh.”

— “IM TIRED OF BUSTING INTO FLAMES OR FREEZING MY FOOD!”

— “oh i remember that.”

— “AND IM TIRED OF SEEING RED AND WHITE EVERY TIME I LOOK AT SOMEONE!”

— “the logical thing would be to brush the hair out the way.”

— *sob* shut up before i punch your pretty face...”

— eventually you cry yourself to sleep and rest Shoto’s head on your shoulder

— he doesn’t want you to fall so he lets you, resting his cheek against your head and closing his eyes following you

— when he opens them he feels his head on your shoulder, he pokes you softly and you startled awake, only to realize

— “IM BACK IN MY OWN BODY!”

— you also cry bc “ill never complain about my boobs again man”

BAKUGOU KATSUKI

— y’all were taking a walk on y’all way back to U.A.

— and some little kid came up to y’all crying

— he’s a little annoyed but the kid can’t be more than five or four so he reluctantly joins you in helping find their parents

— you tell the little boy to take you and bakugou hand and you guys walk along trying to find their parent

— take the kids hand or so god help you—

— “alright jeez”

— and you were trying to calm down the little boy when all of a sudden the mother appeared and scooped him up.

— she kind of panics at seeing you guys hold his hand but you pass it as motherly worry while katsuki just ‘tch’ and looked away

— the mother thanks you and nods and frowns, looking at her sons hands as they walk away and she frowns

— you hear her mumble “what did you do with your gloves?”

— you kind of just shook it off and followed your boyfriend, gripping his sweaty moist hand in yours

— you kind of just slip the little boy into the back of your mind as you drift off to sleep

— when you wake up you realize a couple things

— one, your palms are ridiculously sweaty like no joke wtf

— two, your hair is usually sprawled put everywhere but it’s not

— three, that is not your dresser

— you frown, getting up and moving to the bathroom, stumbling over a weight on the floor.

— what—

— quickly you rush in and hesitantly flick the light switch up, gazing in the mirror to be met with ruby red eyes

— holy shi—

— “WAKE THE FUCK UP DUMBASS! DONT TELL ME YOURE SLEEPING!”

— you’re too shook to comprehend anything. Just the fact that you are in your boyfriends body

— “Y/N WAKE THE FUCK UP!”

— you blink, moving to the door and opening it to see you. . .

—. . .foaming at the mouth

— your classmates are scarred

— you look so terrifying and bakugou

— bitch is he wearing a tie??

— this mf looks clean af

— it’s comical really

— all day you try to calm yourself down

— “Youre doing things to my body I didn’t even know could be done!”

—“Same here fuck face.”

— “I’m wearing your face.”

— you’re so annoyed because your hands get soooo sweaty and at random moments his quirk just pops off

— he gets a kick out of watching you explode your notebook and notes and looking completely flustered, sighing in annoyance

— you get a kick out of him trying to activate your quirk and failing miserably and making himself look like an idiot

— but he laughs when you try to give off an explosion and send yourself flying threw a wall

— don’t even get started on having to use the bathroom

— fucking grape bitch bought it up and it just triggered whatever it is when someone brings it up

— “now that you mention it, I gotta pee.”

— “. . . damn.”

— eventually after a long day of trying to go about this normally, y’all just end up in whoever’s dorm room and the stress of today gets to you

— you start crying

— “Stop crying with my fucking face—“

— “I WANT MY BODY BAAACK!” You sob, clinging onto him

— he tries to pull you off but you use all his muscle to cling onto your body (he regrets being muscular now) and he just—

— “GET THE FUCK OFF ME BITCH BABY!”

— “GIVE ME BACK MY FUCKING BODY!”

— “I DONT KNOW HOW YOU FUCK!”

— you just cry and stuff his face in yo chest

— or you stuff his face in yo tits and ignores the way he turns scarlet and thrashes while you cry “i miss my boobs”

— he’s so pissed he just becomes still with rage all while you pass out on top of him, snoring softly

— eventually he follows and when he wakes up his face is still in your chest

— or you know buried in ya boobs

— and he pauses, realizing the situation

— “THANK FUCK IM NOT IN YOUR BITCH ASS BODY ANYMORE! I CANT FUCKING HANDLE BOOBS MAN!”

— “Says you with the tiny ass waist!”

— y’all never complain about yourselves ever again

[yyxgin]

no bar!! never fret about replying late. i know what it’s like to not want to talk to anyone. honestly. i won’t call it (my experience) a depressive episode bc one of my friends used to brush off me when i was saying things like i’m depressed and say ‘sad’ instead. like if i were to say ‘that made me/i am depressed’ she’d say something like ‘oh god same! like if it’s making you sad,, don’t do it.’ which is a v poor example of what she did but i never called it depressed after that bc she pissed me off n was disregarding of my feelings (even though she’s incredibly anxious herself) bc i didn’t get it officially diagnosed. idk if you’ve ever read about birth control pills but i always read on tumblr people calling them literal depression pills and i ignored it, thinking either 1) people were being dramatic / were over-dramatising it or 2) it wouldn’t happen to me anyway. it fucking happened and they were not being dramatic. i was never happy n always working on minimal sleep n making self depreciating jokes all the time bc it was the only way i could cope with my thoughts n constant mood swings. so what i’m trying to say is,, i know how it feels. if that’s any consolation. it’s not me trying to be ‘oh me too!’ or ‘mine was worse than you’ it’s just me being understanding n telling you it’s okay. also lemme at your friends!! i’ll stomp them out n get the barman to run them over for you!! they’re so mean to forget you!! i find that deciding i want to do something specific n then asking the appropriate people if they want to do saïd thing/place works for me. it can be a simple ‘we should do this, when are you free?’ helps. making it known that you want to do things helps. or aggressively remind them that it’s nice to be asked bc it means they thought of you even if you couldn’t go n tried to include you. or we can revisit me stomping them out w my beloved barman,,, whatever works best for you my dear <3

admittedly me and one of the girls were discussing that we are going to miss our manager. even though literally everyone moaned about her (i feel like it’s impossible to avoid in literally any job/situation) she did have her moments and she did a lot for the staff like after work-drinks, asking the chefs if we could order off of the customer menu instead of the staff menu or whatever they cook in bulk for everyone to take home in the evening. apparently she did this a lot more than the previous manager. she has a good heart but sometimes she ignored some of the girls when we ask for days off or our availability for the week which was very annoying of her. it could’ve been a lot worse, i suppose, but overall she wasn’t terrible.

thé lady who lives in my town and drops me given the chance, told me the other night that she used to be the duty manager. i asked her why she stopped and she explained that when they furloughed everyone they asked her to come back on like half pay or something? idk i just remember it being explained as they wanted her to come back sooner and take away her furlough so she said no and got demoted. but somehow she still gets some of the furlough? idk i have been taught that asking how much or discussing specifics of paychecks kind of thing is rude, growing up. she has been telling me they keep asking her to come back (now they’re asking her to be a supervisor since she declined the manager role) and she keeps saying no. i love her and want the best for her so i won’t say anything to anyone about the conversations me and her have had (i mean, apart from maybe my mum if i can remember, and you bc, let’s be real, you don’t know me and idk you) and she says they’re just difficult to work with as a management team. she even said our area manager isn’t impressed with our current assistant manager (who is currently the only person on an houred contract since our manager left) which shocked me since i personally think he is quite good considering he has a good relationship with the staff and kitchen (he’s thai so he can communicate with the kitchen better than most of the wait staff (some wait staff are thai but mostly not)) i think she doesn’t want to be the eldest person in management or she doesn’t want the age gap to be so big since she has a kid she can lecture at home, she doesn’t need to be looking after people at work, y’know?

also today, me and one of the girls were upstairs (two floors of the restaurant!) and it’s nearing 11pm and her brother (who also works there) comes up and asks us when we’re finishing (mostly her lol) but we had two tables just sitting talking amongst themselves so she just said idk. he was saying he wanted to go bc he’s tired etc n he’s driving n she was like it’s fine go home i’ll call an uber or something n he was refusing to leave her behind. (i feel like i brushed over the two tables sitting there but it must be noted they’re the only tables left in the entire restaurant and we were the only two wait staff still there, apart from her brother but he changed and was waiting downstairs). anyway, she was sweeping (i was cleaning the booth/sofa thingy chairs as it was a mundane task we could do to pass time and while she was sweeping by one of the tables thé boyfriend was whispering to his girlfriend saying ‘should we go?’ and the girlfriend said ‘why should i care?’ and the girl came over to tell me v quietly and i got so upset for her. bc she is literally the sweetest person on the earth and the only reason i didn’t go to ask the manager to see if i could go home with the lady who offers to take me (ex-duty manager lady!) was so she wasn’t alone up there. if i had been the one sweeping near that table i would’ve snapped so fucking hard at them. i mean, we’re 18 and have lives and sleep schedules, and we’re working until 11pm on a thursday before we even get home?? like i wouldn’t have minded staying if they were reasonable tables but after the gf said that i was like ‘shall i go get our stuff from the staff room?’ so i could split as fast as possible. in the end the temporary acting manager came up and told us we could finish and she kicked the tables out ten minutes later. i told her what the table saïd and she thought that was mean and unnecessary too. i was also worried about my sleep tonight since i have my first vaccine tomorrow morning. that’s why i was more pressed about what time i left work today. oh well.

im sorry for talking so much about work! sometimes i don’t have someone to talk to about it (at home) bc of my weird hours and sometimes i don’t like re-explaining things to my mum if she doesn’t get it the first seven times. sometimes it’s just a little too draining as she doesn’t understand since she’s a lifer at her job. it’s easier to explain to my dad but then i get a whole lecture on something that i ultimately have no control over n id rather just bitch w the girls at work but the problem is WE’RE AT WORK!!!

also i booked for my first tattoo!! i’m excited. it’s for next week,, which was super quick considering i was expecting to have to wait soooo much longer. i’ve been telling people about it and that it’s happening but i haven’t had the pleasure of telling people exactly where i got the idea from. bar, my dear, you know wheein’s new album, redd? well, it comes with loads of things, including these stickers (one for each song) and the one from springtime was just so perfect and when i saw it my first thought was, this would be a perfect tattoo. and so i am having it tattooed on my body. a subtle nod to kpop whilst also having something meaningful on my body. i also have just decided i want a small, minimalistic (or one-line art) rose on my sternum, kind of in the valley of my breasts, bc my nan was a rose. i like having her close to me. i recently got her necklace fixed which has left me feeling so incomplete after it broke in august last year. it’s been almost ten years and i think i’m long overdue something to remind me of her. i fiddle with my necklace when i’m nervous which is why i love it so much but incase it breaks again (i pray it doesn’t but i have a long life ahead of me) i would like her close still.

gosh there’s never enough space in my head to remember what i want to tell you so i’ll stop here for now since i should sleep to be able to wake up in time for my first jab. i’m scared but it’s whatever i’ll do it i suppose,, eeek 😨

ilyl ~ 🌻

thank you so much for opening up to me about this, it means a lot to me :( i am so sorry you had to go through this and honestly,, i really resonate with you. i feel like when i talk about my emotions and my sadness (dont know if its okay to call it depression either but yea), my friend either always either makes me feel like my emotions arent valid or she tells me she doesnt know how to help, which is frankly, why i dont talk about my emotions to people irl anymore. i dont open up and it takes me a long long time to do so if i ever do, because i tend to feel insecure/not safe :D so really, thank you for telling me and i hope you are doing better. your emotions are valid and i am always here for you 

HAHAHA i mean i dont have many friends so theres not many to stomp on:( but i mean,, i get passive aggressive when i feel forgotten/left out so you best believe i told my friend how im feeling, but like uhhh it didnt do much. i spent the whole weekend at work and i was free on friday but my friend decided to ditch me and yeah. i havent been out in like two weeks now and i mean i am an introvert so i dont mind that much but even i want to socialise sometimes

aah i mean every manager has their flaws, no one’s perfect. my manager keeps calling me to go to work even though i was literally there for 11 hours on saturday AND sunday which means i worked for 20 hours in two days. and i work 20 hours a week at max. and i already worked some hours before the weekend so i think i have like 30 hours now and she keeps calling??? dude i need a break too,,i am so exhausted and tired of this shit :dd

oh i totally get what the lady that drops you off sometimes told you. i would feel a little iffy if i heard it too, but like,,,judge by your own experiences!! if you feel like something is off, you can always leave,, so i wouldn’t be so stressed about it.

why are people so rude ??? dude,,you should care, because we are all human. everyone has their needs and their lives and i bet he wouldnt like it if he was the one in your place. why should you stay there longer just because he didnt want to leave?? that was so unnecessary. people are weird beings and i learnt that after working with them this weekend,,,like i litereally got screamed at because i couldnt accept cash in different currency. like,,what tf do you want me to do?? i dont have every single currency with me so i could give u the change ?? tf ??

ALSO ITS OKAY TALK ABOUT YOUR WORK HOWEVER MUCH YOU WANT !!!! i also feel like i dont have anyone to talk to about work bc my parents dont listen to me as much as they used to these days and my friend unsurprisingly just doesnt care bc she doesnt work,, and i dont wanna talk to my internet friends abt it as much bc i feel annoying so i am glad us two can talk about these things together !!!! 

YOUR FIRST TATTOOOO WHOAAAH thats so cool. i love tattoos hihi dfkja idk if u already had the appointment but tell me how it went after !! i wasnt able to find the sticker on the internet but im sure it looks hella pretty. also i love how it reminds you both of kpop and your grandma, its wonderful <3 i really want to get a tattoo one day,, and i also want something meaningful (not that i am hating on people that tattoo themselves just for fun and have no meaning behind their tattoos i just have commitment issues so i want something long lasting). alSO my crush (yes i have a crush now ew) has a tattoo and it looks like satan lowkey,,but apparently its a japanese something (i forgot the word oopsies) and it means jealousy, bad past and wisdom ?? i was like BOY IF U DONT??? fjdkla he has blue hair btw i am very much whipped but he also doesnt know me and i am older than him so this is embarrassing

ALSO I HOPE YOURE FEELING WELL AFTER GETTING THE VACCINE !!! 

ily <333

[horansqueen]

AM Conversations : chapter 35

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32 || CHAPTER 33 || CHAPTER 34

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.1k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- if you want to be notified when this is updated, please message me or leave a comment!

- you can send me questions and theories and comments. tbh they all make me SO SO SO SOOOO HAPPY! and make me want to write more! you can also tell me if there are things you WANT to happen. you never know, i may add it :P

- note for this chapter: i feel like not many things happened and i’m sorry. i promise more will happen asap. more smut too. there will be some in the next chapter and some also in chapter 38 or something. more things will happen and at some point i’ll skip a few weeks too. i just want to show that theyre getting closer and closer with time. i really hope this chapter isnt a disappointment. here are the ‘requests’ i added btw. (i know theyre not exactly what was asked but hey, i tried lol)

Chapter 35 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

We were all talking and laughing as gifts were exchanged but most of the time, my eyes would go back to look at Niall, sitting on the couch, legs spread, in his black pants, dress shirt and tie. I felt so happy to be with him at this exact moment in this specific place and surprisingly, he seemed just as happy as i was. It was hard to believe and if someone had told me that I would be dating Niall by now, I would have laughed, but it was true, it was now my reality, and I never thought my reality could be my dream coming true.

He caught me looking at him and raised his eyebrows with a smirk. I smiled more, feeling slightly embarrassed, and looked down before looking back up in his eyes. I never wanted this to end. I jumped slightly when Theo sat on my lap and chuckled a bit, wrapping my arms around him and kissing the top of his head. I've always loved kids and this tiny version of the Horan brothers was bringing inside me a sensation of intense love.

"Show me what Santa got you." I just said before he proceeded to hand me all the gifts he had received quickly.

I slipped my hand in his hair gently and sent him a smile before he got off of me to run to my boyfriend. I breathed in, feeling uncomfortable in these clothes and wishing I could just put sweatpants on, and finally got up to get in the kitchen.

"Can I help you with anything?" I proposed as Maura turned to look at me, her lips curling immediately when our eyes met.

"No, no darling," she shook her head with a chuckle. "I just needed more wine."

I laughed and nodded as she poured an other glass and handed it to me. I let out a short sigh, a smile still on my lips, and took it from her hands before taking a sip.

"You didn't have to be nervous." she finally let out as I leaned my side on the counter next to me. "We're all very happy that you two are finally together."

"Except Bobby." I joked with a laugh. "He lost his bet."

Maura laughed again and shook her head.

"No, he just hoped it would have taken a bit more time."

I frowned, not really understanding what she meant, and tilted my head.

"Oh we both knew you'd end up together." she explained, raising her eyebrows. "I guessed it would be this year, after tour. Bobby said it would be late next year, that it would take Niall more time to admit to his feelings. I guess he underestimated his son."

I let out a surprised chuckle and my lips parted as my shoulders fell. It was incredible and such a relief to realize that my beliefs were shared, that I was not the only one who thought all these years that Niall and I were meant to be.

"Tell me he did something big to ask you."

This time, I laughed, pushing away the bet Niall's parents had made to bring me back to the day where Niall sang that song to me in a bar in front of all of our friends and a bunch of strangers.

"I told him first, and then a few days later yea, he did something big." I admitted with a nod.

"You told him your feelings first?" she expressed, raising her eyebrows and laughing. "That's why I won."

I closed my eyes and laughed too, taking an other sip of wine. It made me wonder how long it would have taken us to get into a relationship if I hadn't told him how I felt... What if I had told him before? Would we be together?

"It was that obvious, wasn't it?"

I didn't have to say anything else, she knew exactly what I was talking about, and she raised her nose slightly before nodding.

"Why didn't he see it?" I added in a low tone, mostly asking myself. I frowned and looked down until I heard Maura talk again.

"He was stuck in his routine and what he was always used to do." she just pointed out. "You were his best friend, that was his certitude, why should he change that, you know? Why should he think about you any other way? By telling him how you felt you forced him to consider you as more than his best friend. Clearly he felt the same and it was obvious since you said it only took him a few days."

I nodded very slowly and looked down at the glass in my hand.

"I should have told him before." I confessed in a whisper. "We lost so much time."

I felt her take a step closer to me but didn't dare looking up. I just breathed deeply in and sighed a bit too loud.

"Maybe he was not ready before."

I held my breath and looked up at her. The look she was sending me was a mix of compassion, happiness and amusement and it hit me how similar she and Niall were, both physically and mentally. I thought about all we went through, all the memories we had, recent or old, and how much every single one of them meant the world to me. I thought about how much i've hurt, how hard some days were, how many tears I cried... I would do it all over again if it was to end up with that same result. I wouldn't change anything from our story, and I knew we were exactly where we were supposed to be, at the right time.

"Maybe I was not ready either." I admitted, licking my lips. "But I am now."

                                                     ---

The door closed behind a tired Bobby and when Maura turned back to us, she raised her eyebrows. Her eyes moved from her son to me and then back to him and she sighed with a smile, bringing Niall closer into a hug before kissing his cheek.

"I guess you won't need that second mattress, right?"

I felt my heart jump in my chest out of embarrassment but Niall only chuckled.

"Nop, but thanks mom."

"Alright, well i'm tired, Chris and I are going to bed." she said after yawning. "Goodnight, and don't stay up too late, okay?"

I laughed when she raised her eyebrows and we finally got upstairs in silence. I yawned too as we walked to my boyfriend's old room but he stopped abruptly right in front of his door. I almost bumped into him and he turned around, looking down at me with a smile.

"Wait, you forgot something."

I frowned but as I was about to ask what he meant, he pointed up and I looked over our heads only to see mistletoe hanging from the ceiling. I shook my head with a chuckle, staring at it for a few seconds before looking back at him. This time, he was smirking, and I tilted my head.

"Did you set this up?"

"No, it got there magically." he let out jokingly before laughing. "Of course I set this up."

"You know you don't need mistletoe to kiss me, right?" I teased too, laughing a bit.

"Just to be sure," he started, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me closer. "I thought about putting some all around my house."

"Oh i'd love to see that." I laughed again but this time it was cut short when he pressed his lips on mine firmly.

He deepened the kiss and It took me all my strength not to whimper in his mouth. His lips traveled down my neck and it made me smile. I wanted him so bad I felt my whole body on fire but I didn't want to do this here, in his mom's house, especially not for our first time.

"Let's get in your room, okay?" I proposed in a low tone. "I'd kill for a pair of sweatpants."

He laughed against the skin of my neck but finally nodded and I followed him in his room, closing the door behind us. I searched through my stuff to find a t-shirt and sweatpants but when I got back up, I felt Niall's hands on my waist from behind and his lips were back on my neck, making goosebumps appear on my skin.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier, but you look very nice in that dress." he whispered. I felt his teeth nibbling my neck gently and I bit my bottom lip hard. "Kind of like that time you wore a skirt on that double date?"

The thought made my heart skip a beat and all I could remember from that day was how his fingers kept drawing circles on my knee and that he had asked Harry to switch place with me so we could be sitting next to each other.

"Niall, we're at your mom's." I pointed out in a whisper, closing my eyes and hoping my words would convince him because I had a hard time to convince myself. "She could hear."

"I know petal, but you turn me on so bad." To prove his point, he pushed his hips closer and I felt his hard cock press against my ass, making me hold my breath.

I wanted him too, so bad that it almost hurt, but I still took a step further, turning around as he groaned and grimaced. I smiled more when he opened his eyes and sighed but his eyes roamed on me for a while before he just gave up.

"I'll put my sweatpants on." I proposed with a smile. "That way you won't be turned on because of that dress."

He laughed and shook his head before sitting on the bed.

"Because you think you don't turn me on in your sweatpants?"

I stared at him for a few seconds, feeling a wave of love invading me suddenly. Thinking that I turned him on was surreal but I realized his feelings for me were real with his last words. He lusted me when I was all dressed up, but he also lusted me when I was in sweatpants and a baggy shirt and for some reason, that made me feel more beautiful than I ever felt in my whole life.

"Come on, turn around while I get undressed."

"Of course." he laughed, putting his hand over his eyes before spreading his fingers to peek.

"Pervert." I let out with a smile.

"Hey, nothing I haven't seen in the shower this morning darling."

That thought made my heart jump in my chest but I just rolled my eyes and turned around, taking my dress off and letting it fall on the floor. I grabbed the t-shirt and put it on before taking off my panties and putting my sweatpants on. I finally turned around only to see him staring at him with a smirk, his head slightly tilted.

"You forgot the bra." he pointed out. "Looks like you're gonna have to take that shirt off again to show me what's under it."

"Don't be silly." I frowned with a smile, reaching my back with both hands to unclasp my bra before taking the straps down and pulling on it.

He grimaced when I let my bra fall on the floor with the rest of my clothes and it made me laugh again. I walked to him slowly, putting one of my knees next to his thigh on the bed before straddling him completely, sitting on his lap. I could feel his eyes search for mine but I simply bit my bottom lip and started unbuttoning his shirt.

"Let me help you." I just murmured, knowing way too well that I was torturing both of us and that it would be tough to stop ourselves again.

I undid his tie when I was done and pushed the shirt off his shoulders before taking the tie off and dropping it on the floor. I felt a shiver cross my back as my hands ran on his skin and it made him chuckle.

"Look who's all over the other now." he pointed out, making me look up in his eyes.

My lips curled and I ran my tongue on the bottom one as my eyes roamed on his face. He was right, I wanted him as much as he wanted me... probably even more, but I was still scared.

"Can I ask you something serious and get a serious answer?" I asked after my eyes fell down on my hands still placed on his chest.

One of his hands reached mine and squeezed my fingers, making me look back up in his eyes. He was pretty, so pretty i felt my heart twist in my chest at how lucky I was.

"You can ask me anything." he let out in a whisper, making my eyes soften a bit.

"Let's say we have sex." I started, licking my lips and curling his into a smirk.

"Let's say we do." he repeated with a hint of amusement.

"What tells me that you won't..." I shrugged and looked down again. "I don't know.. leave me after?"

"Why would I do that?" he asked.

I could hear the confusion and the hurt in the tone of his voice and I breathed in before staring up in his eyes again. I felt stupid for even asking but I just had to. I needed more reassurance than I thought I would and even if I hated it, I couldn't help it.

"Because you didn't like it, or because you realized all this was just lust, something like that?"

Silence fell between us and all I could hear was the beating of my heart accelerating. We remained quiet for about a minute and he finally talked, making my heart jump in my chest again.

"What you said earlier at the park... that you can't remember ever not loving me.. that you loved me through all those memories, through all these years..." he stopped and sighed. "Liv, you're my best friend. You think i'd do something like that to you? We both risked out friendship because we both know that this... what we have... it's real and deep and it's worth it. I thought I only lusted you but it was just because... I didn't want to admit to myself how deeply in love with you I am."

My eyes opened wider at his confession and he squeezed my hands again. I swallowed the lump in my throat, trying to keep my tears in, but I knew I was tearing up and that he could see it.

"Something clicked after the tour. Something was different. It took me a while to realize it and a while to accept it too." he shrugged a shoulder still staring at me. "But you make me happy, you make me feel something I never felt before, and this is real."

Slowly, I brought one of my hands to his jaw and ran my thumb on his bottom lip. We were just two stupid kids back then and I was just a loser in love with her best friend. Now was different, we were different and we were together.

"I loved you through everything." I whispered, not out of shame but because I was scared my voice would crack. "I fell asleep thinking of you and woke up with you on my mind. Sometimes I felt like I was going insane and that I would never get over you. I ruined relationships on purpose, I was jealous, pathetic and sometimes a bad friend. I would have done anything Niall. Any fucking thing. Does that scare you?"

He shook his head lightly, still looking in my eyes.

"I'm so sorry I've hurt you." he let out just as low. "I didn't know you loved me like that, I didn't know you kept all those feelings inside, behind that wall. I love you too. I promise to repeat it often enough to ease all the pain you felt through the years."

I felt a tear run down my cheek and he quickly let go of my hand to wipe it.

"So to answer your question, no." he added, licking his lips. "No, I won't leave you. No it's not just lust. No, you don't have to be scared, or self-conscious, or jealous. If I could make you feel all the love I have for you I would, and I promise you'd never doubt it again."

I got closer and pressed my lips against his. He answered the kiss, quickly deepening it but still going slow as his arms wrapped around me. He turned us around and my back fell on the mattress as he crawled on top of me, his lips still pressed on mine. I could feel my whole body throb at the intense moment we were living and all I could think about was that he was in love with me. I was not imagining it, he had used these words and I was ecstatic. I pulled him closer and whimpered low when his hips ground against mine, setting my whole body on fire.

"Not here." I whispered, pulling away slightly but with difficulty.

"Not here." he repeated, panting lightly against my mouth.

We both smiled and he peeled his body off of mine and lied down next to me on his back, chuckling low.

"Give me a few minutes to cool down will you?" he added, laughing again as I closed my eyes, searching for his hand on the bed.

We stopped talking for a long time and I finally decided to get up to turn the lights off before getting back in bed with him. He had taken his pants down and was now laying next to me, under the covers, in only his boxers.

"Do you want kids?" I let out a bit randomly as a bunch of thoughts run in my mind.

"You know I do." he expressed, turning his head my way before I did the same.

"No I mean, do you want kids with me?"

The right corner of his lips moved up and he raised his eyebrows a bit.

"Not now." he admitted, turning his body and bringing his arm around my waist to pull me closer. "But later, yea. Plus, I love seeing you with Theo, i'm sure he'll grow up to adore you. Not as much as I do but still."

I laughed and rolled my eyes but the truth was, I liked his answers. He made me feel good with every single words he said and he didn't even try. He was just being Niall and it made all of it even better.

"Maybe we can practice when we get back home?"

His eyes studied me for a while, a smile still drawn on his lips and he just licked them, holding me tighter against him.

"Only if you feel ready."

The way he cared about me made something stir in my stomach and I smiled back.

"I am."

                                                           ----

This time, the airport was crowded and I cursed at myself mentally for not bringing a pair of sunglasses. I did everything I could to hide myself a bit behind Niall but he grabbed my wrist and pulled me closer the way he always did. I knew he did it to keep me close to him and to make sure we wouldn't lose sight of each other but it made me extremely nervous. I tried to ignore the flashes from the camera and the paparazzis yelling at Niall to look his way but it was not easy. I groaned low as security tried to help us reach the gate but I let out a louder than intended 'ow!' when someone literally pulled my hair. I took a mental note to tie it from now on and maybe even hide it in my hoodie but I felt Niall grab my hand and intertwine our fingers. It suddenly made me feel better and it's only when we sat down in the plane that I felt stress cool down a bit. Our palms were sweating against the other's but I didn't want to let go of his hand and I held it even tighter.

"Did someone hurt you back there?" he asked, genuinely concerned and a bit pissed.

I grimaced and shrugged, leaning against my seat and closing my eyes.

"Yea someone just pulled my hair. Hard." I admitted with an other groan. "I hate people."

"Wait, someone fucking pulled your hair?"

He had moved closer to me and I shrugged again, trying not to make a big deal out of it. I felt a bit stupid and I was not sure why but I didn't want to show it.

"A fan or a pap?"

"I don't know."

He let go of my hand quickly and grabbed his phone, typing something quickly and a bit roughly on his phone, making me frown. It's only when I got a notification that I understood he had tweeted something about it.

'I'll say this once and hope it gets through everyone's head. dont. hurt. my. girlfriend.'

I felt my heart melt and a ridiculous smile appeared on my lips. It was the very first time Niall was calling me his girlfriend on social medias and I liked it, I liked it more than I probably should. I couldn't pretend I was not happy that my own profile was private though. I didn't even want to imagine all the hate I would be getting if it was public.

"Is it okay?" he asked, making me look up in his eyes and smile. "I can delete it if you want."

"Delete the first time you call me your girlfriend officially online? No way!"

We both laughed and I leaned my head on his shoulder, grabbing his hand on mine again. He brought them on his thigh and I stared at our fingers as his thumb brushed gently against the top of my hand.

"That's not too much PDA?" I asked low with a smirk.

"No." he whispered back. "Just enough."

I laughed again, feeling relaxed and safer now, and he placed his head on top of mine. I couldn't wait to be back home but at the same time, I felt home anyway and I realized it was because my home was literally sitting right next to me. It was dangerous to give someone so much power over you and your happiness but I couldn't help it. With Niall, every moment, every smell, every feeling was better. I thought about the few days we spent at his mom’s and how everyone had been so nice to me and so happy for us. I thought about the fact that I literally told him we'd have sex as soon as we'd get back home and it made me febrile. I was excited, nervous but mostly incredibly happy. I couldn't wait to be myself again when it came to sex. I was not the type to be shy and I loved trying new things but with Niall, all I could think about was how he was seeing me and what he was thinking. It was adding limits and boundaries to our relationship and I hated it.

"Are you part of the mile high club?" I suddenly asked.

He took his head away and I turned mine, raising my eyebrows at him. He looked at me amused again and he just chuckled, his eyes scanning me.

"Not yet, are you?"

"Don't be silly, of course I'm not." I rolled my eyes with a chuckle.

"I don't think our first time-"

"Not now, no!" I cut him quickly but quickly relaxed. "But, someday, maybe?" I proposed with a shrug.

"Oh definitely." he replied in a low tone with a hint of eagerness. "I want to try many things with you. Not just sexually. I want a bunch of firsts with you. And then I want us to do it again."

Without giving me time to answer, he pressed his lips on mine and I chuckled against his mouth. I felt my whole body quiver slightly at the thought of everything our future was holding and I realized it was shivers of impatience. I couldn't want to live my life with him.

"We will."

[artificialqueens]

Notebooks & Post-it's - Chapter 14 - (Branjie) - Thankyoumissvanjie

A/N: Soooo… Here’s my take on Amsterdam. Enjoy.

Summary:

It all went from bad to worse in Amsterdam.

LINK TO AO3

It all went from bad to worse in Amsterdam.

Or maybe if Brock was being fair, it had begun the descent into bad in Belfast, worsened in Oslo, only to come to a horrible conclusion in Amsterdam.

After the drunken conversation in the hallway, they had both seemed to agree that they would leave each other alone unless they were on stage.

Save it for the fans.

Give them the show they had paid for.

It tore at his heart, but Brock kept on dealing with the jokes and touches. He found himself standing in the wings glancing at Vanjie performing her ass off, trying to reconcile himself to the fact that he would never get to be her proud boyfriend again.

The drinking seemed to get out of hand. He needed more alcohol to get through the shows. The tequila seemingly always in an endless supply wherever they came.

He wrote and wrote in the notebook.

I wish you would look at me. Even just to get mad. Just something. But you don’t. I am invisible to you unless we are on the stage. You only care for Brooke Lynn. Too bad it’s Brock that’s in love you with you.

And wrote.

It’s funny how the thing that scared me so much the last time is the one thing I crave. I want the commitment. I want you to be mine and only mine. I want you to stake your claim. I don’t want anybody else. Fuck that. I want you.

And wrote.

I love you. I don’t think that’s ever going to go away.

The blank pages were filled up with love declarations that were never uttered. The pages a silent testament to the turmoil wrecking havoc inside of Brock.

________________________________________________________________________

The energy during the Belfast gig had been weird. The excitement of it being the last show in the UK coupled with an amazing crowd and high energy seemed to do something to all of them. They were leaving for Oslo tomorrow, but tonight they would party and have fun. There was this end of school year feel.

They all took longer to de-drag. Brock being the last one out for some reason.

And that was when he saw it.

Stuck to his foundation.

A post-it.

He slowly peeled it off, his hand shaking, excited and scared at the same time.

He wanted it to be an invitation, while he also dreading it.

209. Please - V

Brock had never packed his stuff that quickly, as he did after reading that, almost running out of the dressing room, needing to see José now. Scared what was wrong, hopeful that maybe he wanted to give them a chance.

_______________________

José didn’t know why he had said no to Brock. He was drunk, in fact, they had both been out of it, not knowing what they were saying or doing.

He didn’t want to make one more drunken mistake. Not with Brock.

But ignoring him after having been so close with him for weeks was odd. It was as if they were doing a publicity stunt.

It felt dirty.

It felt wrong.

José was in love with Brock. Had been for over a year, and having to play that up in front of the fans hurt.

Seeing Brock turn paler and thinner. Not eating, but drinking more than usual, hurt.

It all hurt.

He missed him.

He wanted to take care of him.

But José had been an idiot and closed the door that Brock seemed to have opened just an inch.

Yet, closed doors had never really seemed to be a hindrance for him.

Which was why he had left that post-it. Hoping that Brock would show up, knowing that he probably wouldn’t.

But hoping oh so much.

The rest of the queens had gone straight from the venue to the club, but José had simply shaken his head at them, knowing that he looked tired enough to not get any shit from them.

If Nina has sent him a worried look, he decided to not react.

He couldn’t.

Getting into an Uber, and arriving at the hotel all seemed to pass by in a blur. It wasn’t until he closed the door to his room behind him that he realised how tired he was. Both his body and mind. The toll of drag and being an idiot with his emotions was draining. He dropped his bags on the floor, taking two steps over to the bed and simply face planting onto it.

Maybe he should just sleep, then he wouldn’t be awake to feel the disappointment of Brock never showing up.

“You a messy hoe, Miss Vanjie!” José’s words were muffled by the duvet as he stubbornly refused to turn around. Too tired, and too emotionally stressed to do anything.

The tentative knocking at the door, however, did the trick. Making him almost jump up from the bed and run to the door.

“Be cool, be cool. Make ‘im sweat, mama,” he whispered to himself as he tried to count to ten slowly, “two, three, ten… fuck it,” opening the door he came face to face - more like face to shoulder - with Brock.

“Well, you be looking like hell fried over, Boo,” José was being kind. Brock looked like shit. The bags under his eyes were a deep purple. His skin pale and shallow. His hair was a mess, and that stupid red hoodie seemed looser than usual.

He was wasting away in front of him.

“You don’t look too good either, Papi,” The endearment made the ever-present butterflies of affection flutter in José’s stomach. Over a year after they first started this thing and he was still so very in love him.

For a moment they both just stared at each other. Their eyes trying to morse code the words their mouths were too afraid to utter.

But then José looked away, the earnestness in Brock’s eyes making him scared, as he didn’t know what it meant. His pulse seemed to quicken at the possibility of Brock seeing him as more than a good fuck, but he knew that was too much to ask for.

Walking back to the bed he sat down on it, expecting Brock to simply follow, smiling when he heard the soft click of the door closing, followed by it being locked. He felt tired in his bones. The tour, this stupid-ass thing with Brock and just… everything.

Maybe it was the fact that they only had three shows left, that made the tiredness set in. Perhaps it was because he knew only had three more shows left with him. Before Brock left for other venues and tours.

Three shows left to finally tell him how he felt.

“So…” Brock was standing awkwardly in the middle of the room, looking expectantly at him.

“You wanna fuck?” José knew that he probably looked pathetic in his shorts and tank-top, hair all ruffled, face washed and make-up free. He could feel the exhaustion in his body, and all he wanted to do was sleep, but Brock was here.

José wanted him to stay, no. He needed him to. Needed his touch, his comfort and warmth. José knew that he was difficult to deal with on a day-to-day basis, knew in the depth of his soul that the reason they hadn’t worked out had nothing to do with Brock’s need for freedom, but rather everything to do with José’s brand of craziness being too draining.

Brock might have loved him, but that didn’t mean he necessarily liked him all that much.

Yet, no matter what, they had always had that sexual connection. The way that touching each other was a craving, a drug that none of them seemed to be able to quit.

If sex was involved, Brock would stay.

It was the one thing, that José always knew to be true.

Brock’s startled laugh broke through the sleepy fog of his mind, instantly making him scowl.

“What you laughin’ ‘bout, bitch?” Typical Brock, to just laugh at him when he was prepositioning him. It made him feel like an idiot. As if the idea of sleeping with him was a joke.

As if being with him was a fucking joke.

“Papi, you look like you’re gonna fall asleep any minute now. I’m not into the somnophilia scene. So no, I don’t want to fuck,” Brock had walked over to him and slowly pulled him up from the bed. José subconsciously following him. Not even realising what was happening.

His limbs were heavy and his protests about sleeping instead of fucking were lodged deep in his throat.

The way Brock was gently guiding him. His hands soft and warm as they pushed against his lower back, made him weak in the knees.

It made him feel cared for.

It made him feel loved.

“Fuck you! I be like the pizza man, boo. Always delivering” There was no conviction behind his words, as Brock got him to lie down on the bed, José’s eyes following his every move as he covered him with the duvet.

Brock was softly kneeling on the floor next to the bed, his fingers carding through his hair, almost making him purr with content.

“I’m sure. All you will be delivering tonight is some well-earned sleep, babe,” Brock’s face contorted into something slightly sad, but overwhelmingly warm. It made José think of the nights they had right before they broke up. The way that Brock had been extra attentive, while also being slightly withdrawn.

“You ain’t knowing nothing, I might be pulling an all-nighter, hoe!” José knew he was being a child. Knew that he was tired and just needed to sleep.

But he missed being held.

He just fucking missed Brock.

“Uh-uh. It’s time to sleep now, though,” Brock’s voice was soft and warm like a lullaby, the tenor of it reminded him of Sunday mornings in bed and late-night facetime calls. He leaned down and kissed his forehead, lingering for a minute.

And then he got up from the floor, knees cracking, huffing tiredly and made his way to the door.

“Stay,” José’s whisper didn’t stop Brock from walking away, which was why he added a small, “please.”

He knew that he sounded pathetic, but he didn’t care. The idea of spending the night alone with his thoughts and exhaustion was too much to bear.

He just wanted Brock.

As Brock reached the door, José felt the weight on his chest grow heavier, his eyes swimming with unshed tears. A single thought went through his mind.

He’s leaving. For good.

Then the room went dark. The small click of the light switch the purest sound José had ever heard.

The weight on his chest magically disappeared, while he felt like he was going to cry from the sheer relief of not spending the night alone.

He could vaguely hear Brock undress, the sound of a zipper and clothes hitting the floor, each sound managing to slowly repair every phantom crack in his heart.

The bed dipped under Brock’s weight, and suddenly José found himself wrapped in those strong and muscular arms. The secure harbour of them settling him instantly.

This was home.

He gave a satisfied grunt and shuffled closer, burying his nose in Brock’s neck, savouring the scent of his cologne mixed with sweat. It was so quintessential him.

“Sleep tight, Big Guy,” the words were whispered against his forehead.  

“You too, Toes,”

And with that he fell into a peaceful slumber that he hadn’t even known he had needed.

_____________________

Brock hadn’t slept a wink. His body stiff from having held José the whole night, his head fussy with sleep deprivation, while his mind went in circles.

What did this mean?

It felt different. Everything about José last night had been softer, quieter and more emotional.

Brock had in the middle of the night dared to whisper a soft “I love you”, knowing that it was drowned out by José’s small snores.

He had to tell him.

Holding José in his arms had been amazing.

Had been painful.

Had been insanely confusing.

For a night it had felt like they were back together as if nothing had happened. Yet, the moment José woke up, Brock knew that the jig was up. He had tensed in his arms and seemed in a rush to get him out of the room.

Brock knew when he was unwanted, quickly making his excuses and left.

José’s standoffishness followed them to Oslo, everyone except Brock cranky over the fact that there had been a massive delay in the airport, meaning that they wouldn’t have any time to enjoy the city before having to get into drag.

Brock hadn’t complained as it had given him a chance to finally sleep. His body was aching. The alcohol, the emotional turmoil and just being on tour all taking a huge toll on him.

Maybe that was why he hadn’t taken any notice of how withdrawn José was before the show began. Brock was so in his head trying to find the energy to be Brooke Lynn for the night, that he didn’t notice anything or anyone else.

He did, however, become painfully aware of, once on the stage, how Vanjie didn’t interact with her. How she kept to herself, joking instead with Monique or Meatball. There was no hug for the fans, no mentioning of Brooke in Miss Vanjie’s long spiels of bullshit after her numbers.

Fuck.

Instead, Brooke twirled on stage with Nina, trying to swallow the disappointment of it not being Vanjie.

At the Meet & Greet after the show, she smiled at everyone, but her heart was breaking every time she glanced over at Vanjie, noticing how she never even acknowledged Brock’s presence.

Shit.

The other’s talked about going drinking, but Brock knew he couldn’t handle it. So he left them all going back to the hotel, trying not to think too hard about the absence of a post-it, nor the worried looks Nina kept sending him.

Sitting on his bed, in his darkened room, he tried not to think too much about how much he was fucking everything up.

He still remembered how José had felt in his arms. If he thought hard enough he could almost imagine it right there in his empty hotel room.

If a tear a two fell down his face it didn’t matter. It wasn’t as if anyone was there to see his fast track towards rock bottom anyway.

____________

Was that the last time? Am I too late? Have my waiting and hesitation ruined it all? I know I set myself up to fail, I mean fucking the ex you are still in love with doesn’t seem like a stellar plan in any fucking type of universe. Maybe you infected me with your love of romantic movies. Maybe I thought that this could be some shitty Nicholas Sparks book were we do end up together in the last chapter. Guess that makes me the fool.

______________

And then Amsterdam happened.

They had been up early, catching an early plane to ensure that they would have a full day in the city since it was pride.

Brock had barely slept in Oslo. His mind going over every possible wrong turn he had taken with José that had brought him to this particular point. A point where José wouldn’t even look at him.

Nina was a blessing. Giving him hugs, trying to make him smile, ensuring that he ate.

It was Nina that got them invited to some big party, bringing Meatball along for the ride. It was Nina that made sure they met Bianca.

Nina was the best of friends the whole day. Not giving him a single side-eye at all the alcohol he was drinking. Just being that steady presence that he needed, while Bianca spent the day reading him to filth.

“Well you look like a real reigning,” hiding behind big sunglasses, mouth pursed and voice drier than a good martini, Bianca was her usual bitchy self.

“Uhuh, and how’s that?” If it had been anyone else, Brock would’ve felt called out and maybe a bit anxious, but having known her for years, he took it for what it was.

Bianca being worried.

“Like you’re close to dying. Jesus, you look like shit,” Despite her rough deadpan voice, Brock could still hear the small thread of concern, which made him smile softly.

“I still look better than you,” Which was true.

But only barely.

“Debatable,” the way the Bianca looked over her sunglasses for a second, as the hard front she always put up softened made Brock feel warm.

The way his friends all tried to care for him and make him feel better was so heartwarming.

They all succeeded in making him feel better. Slowly pulling him out of his José-induced funk, though it was difficult to know if it was Nina, Pride or tequila.

Probably a mix.

All Brock knew was that he was dancing, without a single care in the world. The baking sun managing to thaw up his otherwise cold and broken heart. The alcohol in his blood made him brave and he knew what he had to do.

He had to tell him.

Now.

He was drunk enough to not care about the outcome, but not drunk enough to make it a bad idea.

He had to tell him.

It only took a few texts and some stalking of stories on Instagram to figure out where José was. Dragging Meatball and Nina with him hadn’t been difficult, all of them ready to party with all their sisters.

He had seen José’s stories, seen how good he looked with that ridiculous thigh-strap fanny-pack.

He loved him, and he wanted him… And fuck it, he was going to say it to him.

His eagerness at seeing José meant that everything else seemed to fade away. The details of how they went from one club to another hazy and blurred.

He couldn’t remember what they had talked about on the way, nor if they had met up with some of the queens before entering the club.

His mind was so focused on what he wanted - no needed - to say, that he didn’t even register the loud music or the fact that it was making the walls and floor vibrate.

Didn’t notice all the people that stumbled into him, as he tried to navigate his way to the bar, hoping that it would give him a better view of the place, so he had a higher chance of locating José.

He was so absorbed in this task that his mind didn’t fully register what he was seeing right before him, as he finally reached the bar.

It was as if everything had slowed down, his heart skipping multiple beats as his eyes and brain seemed to finally connect thoughts and visuals into a scene taken straight from Brock’s worst nightmare.

The bass and the dancing masses kept on moving and grinding, not caring that Brock’s heart had just shattered into a million pieces, a sob stuck somewhere in his throat.

There in the corner of the bar stood José. His back to Brock as he was kissing someone. Though kissing was perhaps too mild a description, as it looked like they were two seconds away from jumping each other right then and there.

He was too late.

With that one thought going on repeat, Brock backed away, leaving his broken heart on the floor as he fled the club.

He. Was. Too. Late.

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

y’know i keep going down the facebook watch hole and keep getting recommended the same fucking stand up comedy skit/bit videos over and over again.... and i just realised that one of the ones that i’ve seen plenty of times now is some random male comedian (usually either british or american) that always has a joke about “what i (they) can get away with” in their relationship and other jokes about their wives who are always, always tired bc they’re looking after the kids more often than they are.

for example, one particular bit that gets suggested to me frequently on fb watch, is a british comedian whose like “y’know i’ve been with my wife for 7 years now so we’re long term 😍. *pauses for applause and thanks the audience for being nice* but now i’m at that stage where i like to see what i can get away with.... so i leave an empty milk bottle in the fridge just to piss her off! and i leave my dishes just by the dishwasher for the same thing!!!! hahahahaha how hilarious and relatable am i right?????!!!! 😂😅 im such a typical jokester!”

then another one of this british guy’s jokes is about his kids and how parenting sucks.... and there’s one bit in it where he says: “arms up! arms up! arms in! arms in! arms down! arms down!” in a mock commanding voice first, and then he says: (that’s my wife. she’s soooo tired that she can’t even dress herself!!! 😂)” and then he imitates her to end the joke. like. it’s the totally annoying bumbling husband trope that you always get in sitcoms.... just in real life. and now i realise that. like put your fucking half of the bloody work in, michael.

all the american male comedians also make similar types of marriage/relationship/parenting jokes. some of them are ones where their wives yell at them, and it makes them “scared”.... and then their kid is all like: “but you’re daddy? you’re the man of the house? and then they go: LIKE YOU’RE GODDAMNED RIGHT KIDDO! I AINT LISTENING TO YOUR MOMMY. WHO THE HELL IS THIS MOMMY PERSON ANYWAY??!! WHO THE HELL DOES SHE THINK SHE IS???”

and then it turns out their kid has a bad allergic reaction to the thing they wanted. or whatever... but like it’s all set up like the comedian is the bumbling parent who forgot that his own kid had an allergy to, like, a juice or something else. like yes... it is funny and relatable on one level. but like. you really forgot that your own frickin kid has an allergy to apple juice, kayden? like are you fucking kidding me???? y’all should fucking remember that???? but i guess not. whatever.

like yes part of it is probs bc being a comedian means you’re away from your kids a lot because of touring life etc.... so that you could probably forget that your kid(s) has/have an allergy/allergies..... but like..... if you were a decent fucking person, you fucking wouldn’t???? bc that joke finishes up with them going to the hospital bc their kid has swelled up badly bc of their allergic reaction and is in like anaphylactic shock or whatever. like well bloody done for fucking forgetting that. you totally relatable bumbling dad!!!! you’re just so funny and honest 😅!!!! but if this was a female comedian telling this joke instead, there would at least a little bit of backlash for that, right??? bc mothers always have to remember what allergies or whatever their kid(s) has/have.

like yeah anyways. this has been kind of bothering me lately..... and it just made me realise that men do this in real life and like.... it makes me realise that these male comedians aren’t really that great after all, despite all of their success lmao.

because, in my opinion, these jokes just reinforce that guys can be shitty and lazy in their relationships all the time, bc as an example: “look babe, my fave comedian does it!!! it’s so funny that i piss you off by refusing to do the laundry properly or even at ALL, isn’t babe??? isnt it fucking hilarious that i don’t do the dishes properly or help you with doing them, babe???? it’s cute and funny that i forget that our own child has a pretty bad allergy to apple juice isn’t, honey???? but oh no, IM THE DADDY SO I’M ALWAYS RIGHT AND EVERYBODY LISTENS TO ME 😂😅!!!”

like nah, rodney, get fucked. do the fucking dishes for your wife when shes stressed asf. and hey, sam, how about you bloody do more stuff with your kids in your downtime from touring etc, so that your wife isn’t so fucking tired all the time??? how about you fucking remember that YOUR OWN GODDAMNED CHILD has a fucking bad allergy to apple juice, or nuts, or whatever else, derrick?

bc this isn’t actually fucking funny. fucking take some time & effort with your kids and your wife.... and also in your family life in general, you lazy pieces of shit. like i wouldn’t be surprised if your wives/girlfriends/partners end up leaving you at some point tbh. god. like you’re all in your mid 30s to like idk maybe mid 40s or what-the-fuck-ever.... and you’re still acting like fucking 18 year old boys to your wives???? and intentionally (and possibly routinely) forget important shit about your kids????

honestly grow the fuck up and get your fucking heads out of your stupid fucking asses. christ. bc this is why we have so many useless, “bumbling”, but very obviously lazy and childish/selfish men in their 20s lmao.

[atlasfms]

            um  Hello  ,  i  love  u  guys  ,    &    i’m  so  excited  for  this  re - vamp   &     getting  to  write  with  u  all  again  ❤️  for  u  lovely  new  members  ,  i’m  lina    &    my  schedule  is  a  Mess  rn  so  i’ll  be  in    &    out  on  my  days  off  until  it  hopefully  straightens  out  again  ,    &    this  is  my  babe  atlas    !    for  y’all  who  already  know  him  ,  he’s  a  little  more  messy    &    trashy  than  before  soooo  it’s  gonna  be  fun    !    if  anyone  would  like  2  plot  pls  press that  lil  heart  or  hit  up  my  im’s    !

a NEELS VISSER lookalike was strolling down broadway street in their air jordan 1’s. atlas deniro just had a birthday bash for his twenty-second birthday. he has been living in new york city for twenty years. i hear he tends to be heedless at parties, but also kind of beguiling. ( cismale & he/him )

TRIGGERS  ;  DRUG  OVERDOSE  ,  DEATH    &    CANCER  .

━━━    ›    BASICS    \

NAME  ;  atlas    (    to  carry    )    nathaniel    (    gift  of  god    )    arthur    (    noble    ;    courageous    )    deniro    (    notably  people  with  dark  or  black  hair    )  .

NICKNAMES  ;  ace  ,  atty  ,  pain  in  the  ass  .

AGE  ;  twenty - two  .

BIRTHDAY  ;  december  third  .

ZODIAC  ;  saggitarius  .

GENDER  ;  male  .

PRONOUNS  ;  he    &    him  .

NATIONALITY  ;  american  .

ETHNICITY  ;  english  ,  italian  .

LABEL(S)  ;  the  jocular  ,  the  libertine  ,  the  lothario  .

OCCUPATION  ;  model    &    singer

NETWORTH  ;  25  mill    ?

PROS  ;  athletic  ,  challenging  ,  charming  ,  curious  ,  daring  ,  debonair  ,  faithful  ,  forthright  ,  fun - loving  ,  humourous  ,  invulnerable  ,  passionate  ,  perserverant  ,  playful  ,  protective  ,  sociable  ,  spontaneous  ,  witty  .

CONS  ;  abrasive  ,  arrogant  ,  blunt  ,  careless  ,  clumsy  ,  compulsive  ,  conceited  ,  deceitful  ,  destructive  ,  devious  ,  disobedient  ,  egocentric  ,  greedy  ,  ignorant  ,  meddlesome  ,  narcissistic  ,  obnoxious  ,  provocative  ,  reckless  ,  troublesome  ,  unstable  ,  vindictive  .

━━━    ›    HISTORY    \

            aldo  nathaniel  arthur  deniro  was  destined  for  greatness  .  everyone  knew  it    ;    hell  ,  even  the  biggest  ceo’s  in  new  york  were  shaking  in  their  boots  at  the  thought  of  what  this  young  man  was  capable  of  .  he  was  a  dead - ringer  for  his  father  ,  with  his  light  hair    &    bright  blue  eyes  ,  he  had  looks  ,  charms  ,    &    a  good  head  on  his  shoulders  .    &    like  his  father  ,  he  knew  what  he wanted                the  family  business  .  but  first  ,  he  had  to  go  to  college  .    &    only  ivy  league  would  do  for  the  son  of  one  of  the  world’s  richest  ceo’s  .

            columbia  university  was  highly  prestigious  ,  private  ,    &    the  fifth  chartered  institution  of  higher  learning  in  the  united  states  .  besides  ,  it’s  business  school  was  one  of  the  oldest  in  the  world  ,  so  what  more  could  the  future  owner  of  the  family  company  want    ?    in  this  instance  ,  a  girlfriend  ,  but  he  didn’t  know  it  yet  .  when  nathaniel  met  scarlett  baccouche  ,  daughter  of  two  british  politicians  ,  they  didn’t  exactly  get  off  with  the  best  start                they  hated  each  other  ,  in  fact  .  but  what  was  once  hate  turned  into  an  epic  love  story    &    after  they  graduated  ,  they  got  married  .  not  long  after  that  ,  they  had  their  first  child  .

            their  daughter  was  a  stunner  ,  like  her  parents  .  the  news  was  celebrated  all  over  the  world  ,    &    when  aldo’s  father  retired  the  company  into  his  hands  ,  things  just  seemed  to  get  better  .  scarlett  had  a  successful  acting  career  ,  starring  in  a  hit  tv  show  that  seemed  to  be  getting  more  recognised  every  day  .  their  lovely  maid  ,  diane  took  care  of  their  daughter  on  the  days  they  could  not  ,    &    everything  was  pretty  much  perfect  .  they  had  a  huge  property  near  the  coast  of  the  hamptons  ,    &    at  some  point  they  were  ready  to  expand  their  family  .  so  in  early  march  ,  tests  comfirmed  the  news                scarlett  was  pregnant  with  twins.  on  the  third  of  december  1997  ,  atlas  nathaniel  arthur  deniro    &    his  twin  sister  were  born  ,  only  5  minutes  apart  .

            everyone  celebrated    ;    the  family  ,  friends  ,  even  supporters  of  the  notorious  family  .  his  hair  was  fair    &    there  were  arguments  over  whether  his  eyes  were  hers  or  his  father’s  .  but  since  he  was  born  ,  the  main  question  was  whether  he’d  follow  in  his  father’s  footsteps  or  his  mother’s  .  would  he  give  the  family  company  a  modern  twist    ?    would  he  be  this  generation’s  brad  pitt    &    be  the  star  of  hit  blockbusters  in  upcoming  years    ?    people  were excited  ,  but  atlas  wasn’t  .  he  was  nowhere  near  it  .

            the  deniro  household  had  it’s  challenges  .  they  seemed  like  the  perfect  family  unit  ,    &    perhaps  they  were  ,  but  aldo    &    scarlett  had  other  ideas  .  they  were  quite  strict  in  raising  their  children  ,  teaching  them  to  never  slouch  ,  to  use  your  manners  ,  to  keep  up  a  perfect  reputation  .  it  wasn’t  the  family  name  that  was  at  stake  ,  but  also  their  future  ,  because  like  everyone  else  in  the  world  expected  ,  they  wanted  their  children  to  grow  up    &    take  over  one  of  their  careers  ,    &    they  groomed  them  to  do  just  that  .  atlas  hated  it  .

            he  hated  the  daily  tutors  supplied  by  his  father  ,  lessons  in  business    &    the  history  of  the  family’s  .  he  despised  the  acting  classes  his  mother  forced  him  to  take  ,  ones  which  he’d  often  skip  out  on  but  then  would  get  into  trouble  once  his  parents  found  out  .  he  felt  trapped    ;   forced  to  do  things  he  grew  to  loathe  .  to  him  ,  it  was  obvious  that  he  could  do  neither  of  the  things  his  parents  wanted  him  to  do  .  so  the  more  they  pushed  ,  the  more  he  pulled  away  .  he  started  to  feel  less  like  their  son  but  a  puppet  whose  strings  they  kept  pulling  .

            what  he  didn’t  hate  ,  though  ,  was  the  feeling  if  his  fingers  on  guitar  strings  ,  singing  in  the  shower  because  that  was  the  only  place  he  could  sing  without  his  parents  complaining  about  him  making  a  noise  .  diane  would  often  smile  at  him  after  they  chastise  him    &    quietly  compliment  him  on  his  voice  ,  telling  him  he’d  do  great  things  one  day  .  of  course  ,  he  already  knew  this  .  his  music  teacher  told  him  once  that  he  could  sing  the  birds  to  silence  .

            school  was  enjoyable  ,  as  it  goes  .  all  deniro  children  were  educated  in  a  private  school ,    &    although  he  was  close  to  his  sisters  ,  he  made  friends  easily  .  he  had  a  charming  smile    &    witt  that  only  few  would  understand  ,  he  was  the  sort  of  kid  who  got  along  with  anyone  ,  but  he  couldn’t  consider  any  of  them  to  be  close  friends  .  so  whereas  to  them  he  looked  happy  ,  he  was  quite  the  opposite    ;    atlas  eventually  got  tired  of  his  parents  controlling  his  life  so  instead  of  keeping  up  his  otherwise  impeccable  reputation  ,  he  started  to  rebel  .

            he  didn’t  really  do  a  lot  at  first  .  snuck  out  to  a  few  parties  ,  stayed  out  later  than  his  curfew  allowed  him  to  .  did  the  opposite  of  everything  his  parents  wanted  him  to  do  ,  be  that  going  to  the  classes  they  arranged  for  him  or  behave  himself  in  general  .  he  just  wanted  to  live  his  own  life  ,  do  what  he  wanted  .  he  wanted  to  focus  on  his  music    &    follow  a  path  that  he  knew  he  would  enjoy  .  so  he  decided  he’d  do  just  that  ,    &    for  a  while  he  felt  a  little  glimpse  of  what  being  truly  happy  felt  like  .

            however  in  high  school  ,  atlas  got  involved  with  the  wrong  crowd  .  they  introduced  him  to  a  world  he  had  yet  to  really  experience    ;    a  world  full  of  alcohol  ,  sex  ,  drugs  ,    &    general  trouble  .  he  knew  he  shouldn’t  have  stuck  around  it  ,  but  it  was  addicting  .  it  was  so  unlike  the  restrained  life  he  grew  up  with  ,  that  he  jumped  right  into  it    &    found  himself  unable  to  get  out  of  .  there  was  more  to  it  ,  though  .  the  more  he  rebelled  the  more  people  started  to  notice  him  .  how  structured  his  jawline  was  ,  how  illuminated  his  eyes  were  under  any  light  .

            atlas  hadn’t  really  had  an  interest  in  social  media  before  .  of  course  ,  he  had  an  instagram  account  that  he  barely  used  ,    &    didn’t  really  start  using  until  someone  mentioned  he  should  start  modelling  .  sure  ,  they  were  joking  but  atlas  actually  considered  it    &    started  posting  pictures  of  himself  .  his  following  plummeted  ,    &    in  the  november  of  his  sophomore  year  he  was  scouted  a  modeling  agency    &    became  one  of  vogue’s  most  promising  talents  .

            his  career  exploded  from  then  on  ,    &    so  did  his  popularity  .  he  met  people  he  would  never  have  had  the  chance  to  meet  otherwise  ,  more  specifically  someone  called  jason  .  the  pair  quickly  became  good  friends  ,  they  went  to  the  same  school  so  it  was  convenient  .  jason  acted  as  a  good  influence  on  atlas  but  atlas  acted  like  a  bad  influence  on  him  ,  dragging  him  into  the  world  he  found  himself  stuck  in  which  is  when  things  started  going  downhill  .  jason  grew  a  little  too  accustomed  to  narcotics  ,  but  at  first  atlas  didn’t  notice  .  he  wasn’t  really  one  to  talk  ,  anyway  .

            one  night  the  boys  headed  to  los  angeles  to  celebrate  their  upcoming  graduation  ,    &    before  going  for  a  night  out  they  decided  to  have  pre - drinks  in  their  hotel  room    &    started  popping  pills  .  atlas  didn’t  really  see  how  many  jason  took  ,  but  before  he  could  warn  him  it  was  already  too  late  .  everything  else  from  that  night  was  a  blur  of  blue  flashing  lights    &    a  lot  of  strangers  shouting  out  medical  terms  he  didn’t  understand  .  the  only  thing  he  really  remembered  from  that  night  were  the  words  ‘ he’s  dead ’  .    &    an  overwhelming  feeling  that  it  was  his  fault  .

            the  tragedy  of  jason’s  death  left  atlas  in  a  state  of  seclusion  .  he  spent  three  solid  months  alone  in  his  room  ,  blaming  himself  for  what  happened  ,  but  he  didn’t  stop  the  drugs  .  if  anything  ,  he  used  them  as  an  escapism  ,    &    when  his  parents  gave  him  an  ultimatum    :    rehab  or  college  ,  he  chose  the  latter  .  he  enrolled  in  columbia    &    took  up  the  same  business  course  his  father  did  .  for  the  first  month  ,  he  was  bitter  ,  cold  to  everyone  ,  would  barely  talk  if  he  could  help  it  .

            but  some  of  his  old  school  friends  went  to  the  same  college  as  him  ,    &    atlas  started  to feel  more  like  himself  again    (    or  a  version  of  himself  that  felt  similar  to  what  he  was  before    )    &    tried  to  forget  jason    &    everything  that  happened  .  his  parents  has  covered  up  the  death  so  atlas  wasn’t  related  to  it  ,  a  cleverly  articulated  plan  to  keep  it  out  of  the  papers  .  but  that  didn’t  stop  the  questions  ,  which  atlas  would  quickly  divert  in  order  to  forget  .  he  had  to  forget  .

            he  didn’t  .  jason  was  his  friend  ,    &    one  of  the  few  people  who  truly  understood  him  .  jason  always  believed  in  atlas’s  music  ,  so  it  only  felt  right  that  he  returned  to  him  .  if  not  for  himself  ,  then  for  the  memory  of  his  late  friend  .  so  he  dropped  out  of  college  ,  found  himself  a  management    &    started  writing  songs  ,  composing  music  .  at  first  it  was  difficult    ;    every  time  he  sang  a  song  or  played  a  tune  ,  he’d  remember  jason  .  but  after  time  he  eased  into  it  ,  dropped  out  of  college  ,    &    has  been  working  on  his  first  album  ever  since  .

            atlas  became  an  all  together  different  person  .  he  became  manipulative  ,  deceitful  ,  partying  every  night  to  erase  the  memory  of  that  night  like  it  would  somehow  go  away  ,  but  it  didn’t  .  every  time  he’d  close  his  eyes  ,  he’d  see  his  lifeless  friend  ,  so  he’d  stop  closing  them  . he’d  spend  nights  in  a  stranger’s  bed  ,  only  to  leave  in  the  middle  of  the  night  .  he’d  drink  away  the  pain    &    swallow  down  the  guilt  that  was  threatening  to  swallow  him  alive  .

            what  atlas  doesn’t  know  ,  though  ,  is  a  secret  his  parents  are  keeping  from  him  .  in  early january  this  year  ,  his  father  was  diagnosed  with  localised  prostate  .  after  the  loss  of  jason  ,  atlas  became  distant  from  his  parents    &    they  didn’t  want  to  burden  him  with  the  news  due  to  him  only  just  getting  back  to  his  normal  self  after  the  trauma  of  losing  his  best  friend  .

━━━    ›    PERSONALITY    \

            outwardly  ,  atlas  appears  to  be  quite  content  .  he  can  start  a  conversation  with  anyone  ,  act  like  he’s  interested  but  then  three  minutes  later  he’ll  get  bored    &    move  onto  the  next  thing that  interests  him  .  he  likes  staying  busy    &    preoccupied  ,  thinking  that  if  he  keeps  his  mind  busy  ,  he  won’t  think  about  the  past  .  it’s  for  that  reason  that  it’s  hard  to  tell  what  he’s  actually  thinking  ,  unless  you  know  him  really  well  or  are  good  at  reading  people  .

            he  can  be  very  cynical  ,  a  trait  that  he’s  carried  since  he  was  young  but  he  was  better  at hiding  it  then  ,  now  he  really  does  not  care  .  at  first  it  mattered  to  him  what  people  thought  ,  now  he  couldn’t  care  less  .  he  does  what  he  wants  when  he  wants  ,  often  not  thinking  about  the  consequences  of  his  actions    &    then  dealing  with  them  later  .  it’s  for  this  reason  that  he  can  be  quite  manipulative  ,  using  his  charms  to  get  what  he  wants    (    or  who  he  wants    )    to  serve  as  a  distraction  .

            he  can  be  quite  brutal  abiut  his  opinions  ,  learning  a  long  time  ago  that  holding  your  tongue  won’t  benefit  you  at  all  so  he  basically  just  says  what  he  wants  .  but  ,  he  doesn’t  really  answer  questions  directly  ,  especially  if  they’re  personal  .  he’ll  more  likely  change  the  subject  or  divert  the  question  to  someone  else    &    act  like  he  was  the  one  who  asked  the  question  in  the  first  place  .

        atlas  is  very  reckless    &    will  literally  do  anything  for  a  good  time  ,  be  that  getting  so  drunk his  face  hits  the  floor  ,  or  so  high  he  forgets  his  own  name  ,  or  to  even  cliff  diving  so  he  can  get  some  form  a  thrill  .  if  someone  tells  him  he  can’t  do  something  ,  he’ll  go  out  of  his  way  to  prove  them  wrong  .  he’s  incredibly  stubborn    &    has  a  tendency  to  let  people’s  words  go  through  one  ear    &    out  of  the  other  .

━━━    ›    FUN  FACTS    \

he’s  honestly  such  a  lil  shit  tbh    ??    idk  how  else  to  describe  him

he’s  a  vegetarian    &    has  been  since  he  was  eight  bc  he  watched  this  documentary  once    &    was  Distraught

his  vc  is  bazzi  bc  if  u  don’t  know  how  much  i  lov  him  r  we  even  friends

he  has  a  dog  called  bloomer    &    he’s  his  literal  son  ,  like  his  actual  child

he  still  lives  in  his  huge  ass  penthouse  so  if  anyone  wants  2  be  his  roommate  that’s  a  plot  for  u

atlas  is  literally    ??    such  a  fuckboy    ??    but  he  denies  it    &    says  he’s  just  charming  ,  when  rly  he’s  a  lil  bitch

a  dramatic  hoe  who  lives  for  drama  but  is  100%  the  sort  who  will  run  away  if  it  gets  too  much  bc  he’s  a  mess

when  he’s  dedicated  to  something  ,  be  it  a  subject  or  a  relationship  ,  he’s  completely  faithful  which  is  v  surprising

adores  his  fans    &    will  actually  do  anything  for  them  ,  has  been  known  to  punch  out  a  security  guard  or  two  so  he  can  get  to  them

fun  fact  once  he  got  arrested  for  racing  on  private  property

another  fun  fact  is  he  loves  cars  so  pls  do  not  touch  his  bbies  thank  u

he  might  seem  all  fine    &    dandy  but  he’s  on  the  verge  of  a  mental  breakdown  but  won’t  admit  it

gets  drunk  ,  high  ,    &    hooks  up  with  strangers  on  the  regular

he’s  fluent  in  italian    &    has  a  HUGE  italian  family

atlas  can  come  across  as  being  ignorant    &    self - absorbed  ,  but  he’s  actually  really  observant    &    notices  everything

is  100%  the  sort  of  ‘ fall  in  love  with  the  moment    &    think  you’re  in  love  with  the  girl ’  type  of  guy  but  it  lasts  for  like  2  seconds  bc  he’s  fickle

speaking  of  fickle  ,  he’s  had  many  relationships  that  haven’t  lasted  that  long  bc  he  can’t  decide  what  he  wants  from  one  minute  to  the  next

[heartsoftruth]

1/Hi, I apologize in advance for this long message but I just wanted to ask you if you had ever received insults or criticisms or even guys who harassed you because you're a girl who loves football? I'm asking you this because I live this constantly. Yesterday when Barça won the CDR I was so happy so I shared my joy on my social media and I commented on some FB publications related to the match and the majority of ppl on these pages are men so I have only received insults degrading messages.

Anonymous said:2/I was told to go back to the kitchen, that I should go back to clean, that I loved Barça only for cute players or that I probably didn’t know anything about football and was probably repeating what men around me were saying to look smart,.. I will not tell you everything they told me but it was really degrading and mean, I absolutely did not say anything bad, there were comments from guys who writed bullshit on the post but no one answered them but under mine there was like 100 replies.

Anonymous said:3/And I just wrote “I’m so happy and sad at the same time, I will miss Andres so much, it will not be the same without him..” On my other comments also I received insults like "Come suck my c*ck, you will be more useful” “oh a girl trying to make herself interesting by loving football” “shut your mouth bitch it’s a page for men here, go back to cook” And all that just because I’m a girl, if it had been a man who had commented the same thing they would have agreed with him.

Anonymous said:4/It’s unbelievable that a woman can’t love football as much as a man do without being looked at or asked to justify why she really loves football because if a girl likes football it’s surely because she’s in love with the players or wants to fuck with them or that she invents it to have the attention of men, because it is impossible that a woman can really love or understand football, so when it happens I have to justify myself so that they are convinced that I really like this sport..Anonymous said:5/It’s sad that in 2018 for a lot of ppl women = cooking, doing housework, pleasing men and keep quiet. Usually I avoid going into the football debates of my male friends or those of my family because they automatically make fun of me and my opinion is irrelevant. So if you have a vagina your brain is too stupid to understand football and enjoy it? I’m tired of having to hide my passion for football because I risk being insulted. It’s sad because I know I’m not the only one who suffers this..

Anonymous said:6/I discovered football when I was a child, I quickly became a big fan, I even played it many years but growing up my dad start laughing at me and telling me that I should be more interested in girls stuff and he asked me which player I was as much in love to continue to love football like that and the men around me told me that women’s football was not real football so I should stop playing it, my mother also agreed that I should stop because she was afraid that her daughter become a tomboy.

Anonymous said:7/I was stupid enough to believe theses bullshit and I stopped playing at my club. Yes I am feminine in general, I also like makeup, dresses, shoes and stuff like that but sometimes I like to wear my Barça jersey or football outfits too and when I walk in the street with it I get glances, guys who come to talk to me or say that I’m ridiculous with my jersey, one day 2 guys even come to ask me questions on the club to see if I really know about Barça and that it’s not just to get attention..

Anonymous said:8/It’s tiring and exhausting, I’d like to love this sport without suffering all that, what’s the deal with that, it’s a sport among many, why it’s impossible to let a girl enjoy this sport without belittling her? Why is it so difficult for men to believe that we really love this sport too without necessarily wanting to fuck with players? I’m tired, it’s getting depressing and with all the insults I received yesterday I feel like I’m going to be crazy, I really wanted to cry because of my anger..

Anonymous said:9/If you or the followers of your blog undergo this too, can you tell me how you do to support it or to finish with that please? And if there are guys who follow your blog I’d like them to explain to me, if they do these things, just why ? Why a woman who loves football should deserve so much hate and criticism and why it’s as difficult for guys to accept that women can love football too? I’m really sorry again for this long message but I’m really fed up.. 😫

Heey girlie!! OMG dont apologize for the long message! I feel like you needed to vent a little and then it’s 100% better to just write it all down instead of keeping it in. and DAMN you had all the reasons to vent, because what those neanderthals wrote to you MAKES MY BLOOD BOILLLLLLLLL FUUUUUUCK!!!

BOOOOOILLLLLL!!!! 

Im gonna reply to the parts in parts because otherwise the answer will be an unstructured mess. 

½/3: I dont even know where to start with my first off all comment with this ask! But pffff. It;s so so soooo sad that in 2018 people like that put comments under just a very normal and very correct post. It’s also really sad because probably right now you will think twice before commenting something under a footy Facebook thing. 

AND PLEAAAAASEE! Let me know what kind of FB page that is? I am literally fuming and almost on the verge of making a Twitter account for my Tumblr page to post it on here. It’s not fucking normal that when a girl says something about football guys talk like that. It’s not and it’s not ok. 100 replies under your comment? And all like that?? Pfff. Damn. FUMINGGGGG. 

I can understand you feel bad about it bc of all these people jumping on some kind of bandwagon behind their PC’s. Insecure bunch of dicks! 

4/5: Indeed we women have to know WAAAY more about football then men, because if we dont then we’re not serious about it or only watch it for the guys. “YESSSSS!!! THATS TOTALLY TRUE!!!! I watch 90+ minutes of football just for a few close-ups of the football players I like!!!11!1 Makes total sense” said no women who watches football ever. 

6/7/8/9: aaawhh… That is so sad… :( I can’t imagine how that must have felt as a child to be doing something you love but your parents make it out to be as if it was wrong. Not every girl likes pink and barbies just like not every guy likes blue and cars/football. Indeed I also love make up and getting dressed up etc etc. But I also love sitting in a cafe and watching football with a beer or something haha. 

I never wear a football shirt on the streets - unless im going to a match or watch in a cafe - today was the first time actually in my yellow PSG shirt haha. But no one said anything to me (other than a few hey girl). But it’s sad we have to prove something to these idiots… 

I think we’ve sadly all have had an experience like that. When I was younger and asked my friend at her party (or whatever it was) to see the football score a guy was like “what??? You dont watch it? Well then explain to me what off side is?!” That was the first time some guy asked me it and I did do it, but when someone would ask me it now I said: “You would ask a guy that too who says he watches football? Nope huh? So I won’t show you either!”

In Paris also on the way to the hotel the Uber driver was talking etc etc. And we spoke about football and I said how excited I am to finally see Neymar and hope he’s not injured anymore (because at the time he was stil injured and unclear if he would play) and all that blabla. And in one moment he said (in a joking way) oh you’re only here to see Neymar other than that you dont watch it. And I gave him a reality check real quick. My friend wanted to interfere and talk over it and I was like no no noooo. Lemme say my peace. 

Or at work people know I also love Neymar and then one new colleague thought it was funny (and maybe cool in front of the other guys) to say I only watch football for Neymar. And I gave him a reality check too. 

I used to bite my tongue when it came to that, but nowadays I’m like nope. I dont watch so much football for some insecure dick to be talking like that to me. 

But theres also many guys who you can just have a normal convo with about football. Like yesterday I had one with a guy I didn’t know and he was so chill. Or when I’m in the bar watching you also have guys normally coming up like are you also this nervous etc etc. During the Euro’s too. Met many friendly people who just spoke to us about football. Ok and s

What I also think is one of the problem is because many girls indeed just wear a shirt because it looks cute (which they of course can), but it makes it more difficult for us to be taken serious. Especially with tournaments like the Euros and WC many just watch football bc it’s fun with everyone in a cafe but they have no idea what they’re watching. And end up only confirming some of the thoughts by these neathertals. 

Can I ask you where you’re from btw?And please do tell which bs ass fb page you posted this one. I would be a good thing to create all these accounts to back you up or something. 

And indeed I’m curious too how other followers react to stupid comments like that?

And keep watching the sport you love girl! I know its tough at times being doubted to often for just watching something you like but lets hope that someday no one will question why we watch the sport we love. 

[tmntl0verthings]

Textual Contact

chapter 3 × feat. Michelangelo

Y: hey ^>^

R: sup shortstack

Y: nm tallstack

R: thats horrible..

Y: wut?

R: tall stack? Really? Whered u learn that. School for the uncreative

Y: hey!

R: hey 😄

Y: 😒

R: so whats up?

Y: nm honestly. Im in gym.

R: And?

Y: its boring. U run around inside a room with smelly boys and snotty girls

R: its good for you

Y: shaddup

R: lol

Y: wbu?

R: im chillin. My second work out starts in 10 minutes.

Workout schedule: 6am-10am-3:00pm-7:30pm

Y: and where does training come into play?

R: whenever dad schedules it

Y: oooooh tell me about ur dad. Plz.?

R: uugh ur soooo wantttyyyyy

Y: yes..yes i am

R: lol well hes old, we were all orphans and he took us under his wing. Hes really been there for all of us. Even if we arent blood related.

Y: wow. Didnt see that coming. At all.

R: XD

Y: thats really sweet of him. So like what? U guys lived on the streets. Or orphanage's?

R: well we were just babies at the time so I dont remember

Y: oh alright

R: wbu. I dont know anything about you and im just spilling my guts

Y: ewwww!!

R: what

Y: thats so graphic! Omg the imagining in my head right now. -barfs- 😷😦

R: Lol so?? Tell me.

Y: well i live in bronx and Ivd been here for the last 8 years. I moved when i was just a girl. Life has been alright. I could do without the cat calling from guys. Its pathetic. I dabble in art sometimes. Only when im in the mood. I go to school (duh). I; just like any girl love to cook and bake. I just got into yoga.

R: nice. So what can u bake me?

Y: bake u? Like.. for u?

R: yeah

Y: practically anything. But i wanna see this ✌family✌ first.

R: quotes? really? Make me sound like a liar. Whats wrong wit' chu.

Y: well mmeehhhhh to u too grumpy

R: pfft 😝😝

Y: hey i gotta go. Gym teacher is walking my way.

R: mk

~3 hours later~

M: hheey gurrrlll

Y: lol nm. Wbu raphie kins

M:..are u raphs secret girlfriend or something. Cause only i call raph stuff like that.

Y: 😐 who is dis? Isnt this raphs account.

M: yeah im that kind of brother. So what's ur name sweetcheeks??

Y: y/n

M: ooh Mikey Likey.

Y: mikey? That's ur name

M: well my name is much longer so ppl call me mikey.

Y: oooohh. OH u must have a renaissance name too!

M: bingo

Y: whats ur whole name

M: eehhhh idk if i wanna tell you. Ur kiinndaaa short.

Y:....wut

M: ur kinda short

Y: well ur kinda weird

M: why thank you (Casinova voice)

Y: 😳

M: so tell me. How did u meet leo and then raph?

Y: leo texted me first by Accident thinking i was someone named april. Then leo used raphs phone which led me to talking to raph.

M: makes sense. So u like to bake?? I love baking! Im trying to make my own dish but i cant seem to get any right.

Y: oooh~ whats ur dish?

M: well it tends to vary. I tried to make a carrot lasagna. Failed ✖ Marble pancakes. Something went wrong there. ✖ I tried making chocolate covered asparagus. Failed✖

Y: oo so ur going all out?

M: yea.

Y: maybe i could help. Maybe i could finally meet ur family.

M: oh~ um. I dont think dad would like that. He doesnt like new ppl.

Y: but everyone loves me 😃😃😗

M: lol that may be true (idk) but i shouldnt disobey.

Y: ur family is very different from others ive met. Its like ur hiding. U guys dont go to a public school. Ur home schooled. U cant share ur 'Training' with me.

M: ..well its complicated. But lets not talk about that.

Y: but i want tooooooo

M: nu

Y: yeash

M: nu nu

Y: fine.. what do u do for hobbiez??

M: well i love gaming. I read comics. I guess u could say knunchucks are my passion. I use them everyday. I love movie nights OH and pizza friday. Llovveeeee pizza. Im sometimes my older brother's assistant. He's a nerd. Hes all sciency and stoof. Oh and im a drummer

Y: knunchucks!  😵😵 Wow bro. ..just wow. Thats awesome! Thats a ninja weapon right?

M: yea. But i live by a non-assassin code.

Y: wait... Is ur guyses training.. is it ninjitsue????!😱😱

M: ...nu

Y: awe. I was all excited for nothing

M: lol

Y: so whatcha doin

M: texting u during training

Y: lol so u stole raphs phone?

M:😈😈

Y: lmao so whats going on during training?

M: raph and don are in one team while Im on the other team with lameanardo.

Y: lmao ppl dont like leo?

M: hes like Secondary dad

Y: really? I havent noticed. Like legit havent noticed. No sarcasm in this.

M: lol well if u really knew him. Youd understand.

M: i gotta go. Leo and splinter are on my butt about me on raphs phone.

Y: Lol figured raph would be more on u than the others.

M: lol tru. Ttyl

Y: kk

~since its after school and ur at home. U decided to go for a walk with earbuds.

You clicked ur earbuds into the headphone jack and grabbed a pop tart before u left ur parents apartment. You opened the door to fell a perfect autumn breeze in the cool air. You slipped on your light blue sweater with dark blue lining. Your (hair brushed out/hair in a pony tail.) You locked your door and started walking. You walked around for 40 minutes. Your elbow got caught on the wire of your headphones making them pop out of your ears. You Ughed as you tried putting them back in. You stopped when you heard a trashcan lid fall. You froze as you looked down the sunset shadowed alleyway. You narrowed your eyes adjusting your vision. You saw something trying to stand still but you saw it move just a little as it was breathing. Your eyes grew wider in fear. you continued walking but then turned around to look at the alley one more time to make sure u werent imagining it. You didnt see anything. You felt something touch your ankle. You screeched with a jump back as you looked down to see a taby cat. You exhaled as you then looked up to see it was getting dark. A "let me out im stuck in your pocket" notification tone went off. You looked down to see Leo texted you. you answered his text as you walked away from the alley. Up above on a fire escape crouched over in the alley was someone watching you answer the text with their green eyes. They narrowed as they watched you walk.

L: hey

Y: aye 😀

L: whatcha doin?

Y: just walking around ny wbu

L: same

Y: maybe ill bump into you 😎

L: doubt it XD we're looking down at our phones.

~you laughed out loud by an apartment Leo was ontop of. Leo looked over the edge to see a girl on her phone. As she texted

Y: lol so tru

L: so where are you anyways?   ~ leo heard a Let me out of your pocket notification from down below. He looked back down at the girl still standing there

Y: Im at est. N' broadway

L: ohh i see.

~ he heard the notification tone once again. He rose a brow at this point.

Y: wbu??

L: im no where near u ~leo lied considering thats exactly where he was~

Y: im getting hungry. Ooh i see s hotdog stand! Yaassss!!

L: lol

~leo saw the girl go and get a hotdog from Oscars dogs

His eyes widened realizing he practically met you at this point. "Dude is it time to go home yet??" Mikey whined "yea no kidding. Im tired." Donnie joined in as he held his shoulder in his grasp as he moved his arm in three huge circles. "yea; you guys can go. Im gonna stay behind." Leo told them. Raph just arrived to the roof after his run. "sorry. Someone almost saw me." Raph explained. "leo said we're done for the day." Raph looked over at leo looking over the edge. He walked over to his brother and looked down. "ooh-ho-ho your stalking a girrrllll." Raph pointed out as he stood tall and confidentiality. Leo stood up from "i am not! Im just seeing if this girl is who i think she is." Raph rose a brow with his arms crossed. Leo rolled his eyes "fine im kinda stalking her." "Why??" Mikey asked. "I think its the girl ive been talking to. Also raphs been talking to." "Also me." Mikey included himself. "how come i havent met her??" Don asked feeling left out. "well i stole raphs phone to talk to her." Mikey explained.

Y: okay got my weener! 😂

Leo looked down at his phone. "oh shes texting u right now??" mikey asked enthused. "Maybe.." leo answered without looking at mikey and his brothers as he texted you. "Ooohh let me see!" Mikey tried swiping it from leos hands to only let leo dodge. Don slipped it out of his fingers as he blocked leo with his bo staff twirling in front of leo blocking him. "sorry my brothers are distracting me." Don read aloud. "give it back!" Leo demanded as he tried grabbing it from his tall brother. Looking completely short compared to his little brother. Leo stopped As he huffed annoyed at his brother as he scrolled through the convo. Leo then Drew his sword and whacked his brother on the wrist with the handle. The phone dropped out of his grasp and leo swooped down with his hand and saved it.

Y: ??

L: sorry my brother took my phone away as a joke cause hes a Jackass.

Leo typed as he spoke aloud everyone what he was typing. "a jackass huh?" Don rose a brow as he crossed his arms "yes. Now im leaving to somewhere else. Where u cant bother me." "Dude. We know where u live. We can take the phone any time we want." Mikey informed him. Leo flaunting his phone as he said " i can hide my phone." He smirked and then jumped to the next building. he lost you. His brother's distracted him for too long.

Y: so whatcha doin?

L: just walking around still. Wbu

Y: oh just walking home. My stomach doesnt feel to Good. That hot dog didnt agree with me at all.

L: sue em'

Y: lol no ty. Idk why but i really wanna go to an art museum or something. Weirdest craving ever.

L: lmao well imma head home. Ttyl y/n 🤓

Y: 😊😎

[soup-of-words]

28th april

It wasn’t a great event. It was actually trashy and people are scattered just everywhere. You and I decided to get a drink, (of course a bottle of beer) and so we bought. It was kind of a hassle, the cap wasn’t opened yet. Too tired to get it popped in the store so we decided to pop the cap on our own. at some broken steel pipe we did, and that’s how I got the bottle cap in my treasure chest (box full of weird stuff that I keep). Oh and the bottle broke too. We looked for straw until we got one and sat in front of the Capitol. ‘Twas a neat night, not the event. We talked about stuff, the silly and annoying ones about our exes. And laughed about some hilarious stuff, I can’t remember the things we talked about but yeah I’d treasure them.

After then, there were fireworks. It was shitty too. It’s too short for a show in the sky. It only lasted for a couple of seconds. But it was great. Fireworks. :)

For a short time we watched them play, listen to cringey growling and screams. soon enough, we got bored. decided to sit and just talked again. God knows what we talked about until it’s coming too late. tss How did we even get to that time when we were taunting one another, about going in San Pablo? was it about the bike? yeah, for sure because we were talking about bicycles.

you don’t know how hard-headed I am, and how a  “brave-wanna-be” I am. from a sigh, I said, “ ... tara kukuhang pera” and there it started.

the rush, flushes, sweat and worry coming through at the same time. But I was liking it. It was too surreal, I was not believing it will happen but it did.

From my house, where I got my favorite hoodie and some cash... we headed to ride to get to buses.  we were waiting and was taking too long. you made me took off my watch because you didn’t want to look at the time. It was genius, I was enjoying more. It was kind of a long wait and  we were impatient. We needed to escape soon. SOON. In the terminal, I was still not believing it , so i’m calming myself down. I didn’t want to over-exaggerate and I don’t want to scare you away, I was too weird. Hopping on to the bus, looking for an empty seat, we got to seat to the back. God, it was so exciting!

i check my phone every once in a while, took out my earphones and we shared music. you told me I seem like that i’m that someone who likes guitar riffs, but I thought I wasn’t i hated the sound of guitar but I think I don’t? mehh I’m so confused.

i keep the tickets, treasures.

after an hour, we were there.

San Pablo! It was in fucking San Pablo! 66 kilometers away! We got off the bus, immediately took a trike to go to the lake (you look confused instructing the driver lol) and there we got to see the park we were both just talking about just a couple of hours earlier!

You don’t how thankful I am bringing me there. Really. Thank you from my softest heart and soul.

You know, we just met. But it was comfortable being with you. We were there, in the park. our hands on the cold railings,

The stars were heck beautiful. Too beautiful, it was sublime! we watched the sky as if it was the lake we came to see. But it was more that just the lake, it was a different world... That I was needing. you brought it to me. Thank you again. I remember saying “thank you” to you. Because I am. grateful. :)

we decided to walk along the lake, to see stuff. But we stopped in this some kind of a playground/exercise area? And there we talked. ooh before that, we saw the big dipper. back to the area. God knows how long we have been talking, it was so niceeeee. we talked about fliptop and shit. You were kind of surprised to have heard some girl to watch fliptop videos, and I mean... I know, I’m interested in those too. We headed along, walking. encountered some dogs. We got scared, but just walked anyway. CUZ WE WERE NINJAS RIGHT!? but it was too dark, we can’t risk. so we headed back. ‘Til we noticed someone in the dark... some guy. we were both hesitant, we were acting like nothing’s wrong. So to break the ice, and as a segway I told you let’s pretend like we’re beating one another in a walkathon, so there we increased pace. we ran and just started laughing, i was joking someone’s getting a pimple if they can’t catch up. AND WE WERE LAUGHING... IT WAS WAY FUN. LIKE  WAAAAY FUUN! I was kind of liking you. We were just laughing... tsk. I never had that kind of fun before, with the adrenaline and fright.

Coming back, we took last pictures, ‘cause were going home. of course, we walked.

Commercial, I wanted to take shit. We saw Mcdonalds, so we went there. tried the hospital for a stop at a comfort room cuz i needed to take a shit but let’s roll to Mcdonalds.

We got to mcdonalds, you ordered the meal, chicken... while i’m taking a shit. We had a happy meal, and you maybe you don’t know but I really always collect happy meal toys but I gave it away . To your sis, this time it’s going to be for her. we ate, and laugh and talked again. and took picutres. I dared you to take a tray home and you accepted loooool. we got the tray. and then we walked outside. ran across the church, you took a photo of me and it was embarassing cuz people are looking. we headed. took some more pictures while walking... And there we were miserably waiting for a bus. Until one came along. We hopped in and got a seat. we talked how it is like Papertowns and you were Margo and I was Quentin. i knew it. You’re gonna hurt me. this time, I was getting kind of tired. not for long, I was really avoiding to act sweet or romantic because I’m scared . But this neck was fucking hurting so I asked if It’s okay to lean my head , you didn’t mind so I did. Legit, my neck was killing me. I had seek comfort, had a nap on your shoulder, ‘til i noticed you were leaning to my head too.

I wanted to say we were sweet, but I should not. we were sweet; you were sweet. There’s something in me that holds everything back. if it weren’t for it, I’d confess I like you.  

1. Rafols likes you

2. You’re up to someone

3. I think I’m not fully healed yet

4. I like you

5. YOU MIGHT LIKE ME BUT YOU DON’T  LIKE ME ENOUGH

you see , there’s a bunch of stuff I like about you. But you know ,I’m worried. Because I still yet to know the stuff that I don’t. I don’t want to waste our friendship. It was great and cute. But to think about being romantic with you, considering there’s nothing wrong and it’s possible and it might be real... I’m scared I’d lose another soulmate. Not you please, Simon was great but you were different. Not that I am confessing my feelings, but this is beyond that.

I’m scared, but I wanted to try to accept someone again. But this time, but if it’s not you it’s okay. i just hope he’d  be that someone that’d stay until we’re real couples. (i know im still young but there’s nothing wrong with it you know) But if it weren’t , then thank you for having me in your life, our friendship was awesome! but you know, deep somewhere inside me is kind of hoping?2 i don’t know, i know i’m infatuated. You know that night, I didn’t want to end. You were the chaos I was looking for. it’s gonna be trouble but I feel like it is possible trying out being better with you. but if God’s plan is different, then it’s okay with me. No regrets, right? we can’t be possible too, if you come to think of it. you’re there I’m here, different schools, different worlds. It’s scary risking it. I know you’re a good person, both you and allen. I just don’t like losing people. so Rafols, she’s soooo sooo so so so so so important to me, much more important than you actually. sorry. But you know, it gets fucked up sometimes. also, you like my cousin, plus you’re up to a different girl. I don’t  want to barge in, I respect you and the girl. Who am I?

maybe what i’m feeling right now is pure infatuation, and I don’t want to ruin friendships. and I am also not that kind of person that is desperate in getting into a relationship, I already accepted I’d tire lonely and alone but still hope that I don’t. I mean , “expect the worst, right?”. And I am that someone who wouldn’t always grab the opportunity, I’m shy and scared... so If it’d come, it will.

we finally got home, at the terminal at least. there’s no ride home still, so we waited an hour. we talked how we rocked that night. how we were real ninjas and everything was amazing. we got to go home, you walked me home.

I never really wanted to give the brain pendant away, but I did. it was my way of saying thank you. Thank you, for real. everything was almost magical. That was the best day of my life so far, I have conquered way too many things . So I got home, i gave you the pendant. and the last thing that came into my mind before saying goodbye was to hug. I don’t actually know why. But i feel like I needed to hug you. it was funny. I asked for it lol, “hug?” then we did lolll . i gave off a legitimate smile , like I  was actually happy. after the hug, we waved goodbye.

‘Twas the best day ever. so far.

Thank you, ninja.