#im living by the motto of “whatever happens - happens” and i dont care at all im so painfully indifferent to everything around me

[punkstatikparanoia]

does anyone else have any trouble picturing themselves as a functioning alive human being or is that just me >_-

[imy2]

tlkin abt shows vlongtext

A) watched carol & the end of the world n it was nice to see fat main characters n also for their fatness to not be the central point of them, carol was relatable too .. 'to know that with all this potential i should've raised up but i never did' , - well to me that's how it felt.. 4/5

B) watched kipo ataowb again - loved it ofc, didnt love the fitness raccoons djjgnjd what a ridiculous sentence.. ok they were fine actually im just sensitive </3 then dave aop saying 'that was twice the calories' ... again whatever actually.. 5/5

1-1} just started z nation again :p i love murphy i do .. strapped down n eaten alive like. then dragged around by some military fucks in the apocalypse.. •

"yeah well why don't you take it then" - "don't leave me to the zombies man. don't leave me! don't let me turn, you bastard - pike me! pike me or i will hunt you down and eat your brains!" , and right beforee - hammond 'i give you mercy' to the other prisoner , if that's not a set up. murphy kept chasing that mercy ahhh i feel him i do. then ofc warren right after. 'i give you mercy'. yeahyeah .. •

"it's ok, she was ready to go" "aren't we all" garnett lmfao. •

"well i guess i won't shoot him.. yet" warren's first line to(kinda) murphy. i love rewatching. •

"an ex cop and some others taking shelter in a prison up the road" nod to twd o.O man i shld be allowed to fight rick. nyway.. •

didnt rmbr sketchy and skeezy being ep1 love that excited to watch their story again•

8 bites ur kiddin me.. murphy 🤝 me •

aww 10k intro is saving doc ofc •

zombaby will always be so great .. WAIT i didnt rmbr he fking kills hammond.. welp.. deservedkinda .. lmfaoo "none of this would've happened if you just left the baby" "i didn't tell hammond to go get eaten by a baby" garnett laugh2 •

ahhh citizen z ofc... "here's a little smth for all of u out there w 3000 miles of bad road btwn u and home.. i hope u can hear it" .. 'have mercy or u don't have nothing at all and you're still alive!' •

ok unexpected liveblog of ep1 over...

d2 / /

1-2} we were made to walk thru this fire <- e2 end song, truee o7•

1-3} cassandra ugh <3 :'( each time it gets me so bad •

"everybody out there - whether you're hiding in a cave or running for your life, just keep doin' whatcha gotta do to stay alive; bash 'em, slash 'em, bust 'em, and burn 'em ... whatever it takes, just stay alive - no questions asked." <- citizen z ep3 (lol), 2024 motto ? •

1-4} "i'm telling you - there ain't nothin' there. no thoughts, no memories, no soul - nothing." where'sss my gif.. -"he just, you know, he seemed so... trapped. I couldn't even tell if there was a real person still in there sometimes." zombies 🤝 me (alcoholism esp ofc)•

ahhh doc airvent, classicc... "give me a kiss baby" ok doc did look hot n all covered in zombie guts sayin that but i'd look hotter ^_^ •

1-5} "it got to a certain point where i just gave up - didn't care if i lived or died. then a funny thing happened.. i didn't die. and with everything that's happened, it's been harder and harder to remember the past. i guess that's a good thing, right?" damn garnett. •

citizen z pouring a shot into his dogs used bowl then going 'oops' n drinking it himself. very real i wouldve done that .. "the only thing worse than drinking alone is not drinking" nooo citizen z dont tell me those words •

goodbye murphy's hair u wont be seen again for a while.. his first 4eps look was so cute, his now bald look is nice too•

"and suddenly we see that love costs all we are and will ever be. yet it is only love which sets us free." awwww don't think i've ever noticed antoine's writing of that poem in the photobook warren looks at ;-; 'my love always' <3 "i have to wait for him this time. i owe him that much. - it's like you said, i can't start forgetting til i know." •

1-6} damn then right after.. first time sex w new lovr getting interruptd for them to be killed. literally tragic •

"but if we're lucky, someday this will be over.and next time, i hope we get it right." real of u citizen z •

1-7} sketchy again! "we navigated our way up" - "we" with no mention yet of skeezy bc duh ofc "we" . •

1-8} "murphy - don't you leave." "you got me as far as you could." ... "you came back." "i did." •

1-9} "we don't leave each other behind." "i came back for you - i'll always come back for you." / "we never stood a chance." "woah. woah, hold on. what are you saying to me?" "think about it, like.. our relationship - what's it based on? .. we don't even know each other." "we've kept each other alive. we've been there for each other. ... yeah, yeah - we got a lot of bad shit to go through before this is all over, but.. i need you. i don't know what you're talking about, 'we don't have a chance'." "for the last three years, we have never thought about anything past tomorrow. ,, what kind of future do you and i have? what are we gonna do - we gonna get married? , i can't even think about that stuff, like it's crazy, it's impossible." "but we have each other." .... idc abt mack rly also addys s1 hair is ofc atrocious •

1-10} "if i haven't said anything lately - thank you so much, universe - for my whole situation! .. i'm not like other boys, i do not give mercy." murphy again •

1-11} "aw man don't get down on yourself like that; you're a perfect hunk of man-meat, don't you ever forget it." lol doc...also im surprised every time lucy happens s1 •

1-12} murphy got his cool eyes on now.. i want those eyes •

1-13} oo i feel bad for murphy.. doc casually tlking abt leaving him to be experimented on :( also the group casually tlkin abt splittin up.. wdym its the apocalypse y wldnt u stick together...•

oh cassandra :((• also newmurphyagain..welcome blueman

welp that's s1 done.. not sure if will continue taking notes.. just been anxious so occupying time :p

nvm cant sleep yet hehe..

2-1} cassandra :( murphy -_- absolutely atrocious•

"maybe there are worse things than being a zombie. maybe being a starving, fearful, violent, vindictive human is worse." nooo .. too real murphs(lol).. #alcoholism•

ooo hey vasquez •

'love her forever and ever again and love's made a fool out of me' need to listen to that sounded good •

okayyy.. now sleep ig..

[unproduciblesmackdown]

Odds, but only if you vibe with the number

hell yeah Thanks

1) Mercury: What’s your full name?

middle names are always subject to revision but for now like, milo sky kilopascal burrows is the Full Story. it took forever to land on a ~last name~ b/c really i just was very Shrug about the matter. but it’s a fun niche lotr reference and it just also sounds right so. milo burrows is the more nailed down part here

3) Earth: Where’s your home?

well so far i’ve always lived in virginia, a wildly cursed place, but also there sure is a lot going on here. i don’t really feel that attached to anyplace, but i spent the first couple decades of life in a 40 mile radius of dc, as in washington dc, and visited the city often enough that i kind of feel some attachment to that, or like yknow That’s Where I’m From. but not really that much, b/c also i’m not actually from dc, just the dmv area / nova. also a wildly cursed place with a lot going on though

5) Jupiter: Do you have any siblings?

yeah im the middle sibling betwixt a slightly older sister and a slightly younger brother

7)Uranus: What’s your hobby?

i guess i draw often lol

9)Pluto: What time is it right now where you are?

as i type this it’s 11:44pm. eastern standard time club

11)Sun: Have you ever had alcohol?

yeah

13)Rigel: Have you ever gone on a rollercoaster?

yeah ive sampled many kinds....wooden.....indoor......ones with a loop de loop....ones with the uhh Hydraulic Launch.....ones that go backwards for a bit.....one with an 85 deg drop.....ones with the bar across the lap / seatbelt and ones with the vest thing that swings down....ones with the track above you....idk ive had a rollercoaster journey, i like them...

not rly vibing with 15 :///

17)Aldebaran: What’s something you care desperately about?

oh yeah i skipped this one. "desperately” is a big adverb and like, if i try to think outside the realm of Human Rights my dude, Antifascism, et al, like, what am i desperate about? anything? hard to say. other people like, who i know personally, and like, humanity and shit. and any cat i ever see. stem and humanities subjects are friends actually. i’m fond of the lhc. i like not being cold. when it comes to Interests it’s like, look, when one of your major Focuses is billions, it’s just like, welcome to hell.

19)Bellatrix: Have you ever been forced to lie/keep a secret?

uh no i’ve Chosen to tho lmao

21 does not pass the vibe check

23)Orion: Favourite month?

idk june is nice? i dont have a solid answer. sept / oct would be more fun if i wasn’t already dreading the onset of winter at that point. live in the moment i guess is the motto of fall

25)Delphinus: Favourite study?

never liked school. recess XD...in middle school during my last period i’d finish shit early and the teacher would be like “you can go hang out in the library if you want” and i was like, sick thanks

27)Gemini: Favourite song?

i don’t have one

29)Libra: Favourite colour?

i like that real saturated cerulean / curious blue type deal

31) Aries: Favourite movie?

i also don’t have one

33 idk not feeling it it’s a bit Much with the repeated digits

35) Andromeda: Do you consider yourself social?

yeah lol like......i don’t necessarily Vibe very well with people too easily, i’m Picky, and also people don’t vibe with me, so it all works out so that i don’t find ppl i’m mad comfortable interacting with that often / usually it takes time anyways cuz i’m not used to people wanting to talk to me haha.....but i also just like to Be Around people even if i’m not necessarily interacting with any and all of them and i like to casually talk and stuff and like, in college i’d go to the coffee shop mainly cuz it’s like. i want there to be People Around me rn.........and then as always cishet bros ruin things b/c they think if you talk with them for 15 sec / joke around, that’s Hitting It Off and Flirting or whatever. but they never count

37)Cartwheel Galaxy: When was your first kiss?

well in.......20...12???? i think?? someone kissed me but i wasn’t really vibing with that either so, speaking of Not Counting lol......not like i consider a ~first kiss~ to be anything that important to me so it doesn’t really matter either way but it’s like. i would prefer this not have happened regardless of Firsts or not

39) Comet Galaxy: Have you ever had to leave a relationship because someone changed too much?

haha i guess not

none of the 40-odds thrill me? do i not like 4?

51)Pulsar: What do you hope to do in the next 10 years?

i don’t really think with this Framework at this juncture lmao....i guess i never really have lol i’m not big on like. planning out things to a T anyways

53 Not for me....

55) Black Hole: What’s the last thing you want to see?

jesus christ idk. if i knew i was dying afterwards it’d be sort of difficult to appreciate it. i’ll see whatever i see and i just try to appreciate Nice Moments as they happen. like, a nice sunset where i don’t die afterwards is the same as a nice sunset which is the last i ever see ever, same with anything else. pretty skies Are nice always though. but like idk even as a hypothetical i don’t really want to formulate my ideal demise. or see much of a purpose in doing so except i guess as a like, “ooh if you were going to die tomorrow what would you do today” cuz it’s like goddamn idk? why ask? you’re not gonna Know, unless you are, in which case, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it or whatever. no wait scratch all that. looping kompenso clips until i die lmfao. really idk

[sunfish999]

if y’all ever wanted to know anything about me... i tried

hm I’m bored (i say this as i should be doing geometry homework

1. read: probably the paladin prophecy, or the finisher (just books i’ve read like 500 times, idk about understanding but--) watch: the vampire diaries? (idk i watched the entire series in 7th grade wygonnad) or aquamarine movie? listen to: XYLO, LUME, more specifically Need Nothing by Verite 

2. bro i have no idea who they are actually but I’ve seen like 2 fanfic writers who write exactly like me and seem to think exactly like me i love that. also a reg writer? uh probably mark frost? i aspire to write like f scott fitzgerald but it never gonna happen hun (cos i wanna major in physics not literature lmao)

3. holy fuck lets pick like 3 fandoms, aight? uh first lets go w my hero academia? tokoyami ofc? next... percy jackson bich-- nico LMAO no maybe bianca? hm HARRY POTTER -- ginny prolly although i dont want to date harry (oops) The maze runner? tommy actually ;; naruto? fucKINH ROCK LEE BABE uhhhsdfhh star wars is anakin and voltron is lance (or pidge actually) i should stop buuuut yeao ok

4. i think my name is fine but i aint gonna share it here (also kinda wish my nickname was charly though thats all im gonna say ALSO yes laurel is a faux name yes 

5. human being because i do nothing. lol but yes i think that who i am as a person should be based off my actions, for it is how i act that shows other people who i am, not ‘who i am inside’ dont make fucking excuses for your actions people 

6. yea i believe in 1 god and i was raised as a catholic christian but i am accepting of all religions and views

7. i mean kinda??? idk im very polish and so i eat lotta polish food (gr8 stuff right there) but im just american so yea 

8. muscial artists, well bitch i only started actively listening to lots of music (aka spotify) like last year but i listened to ari grande when i was young ofc but i dont rlly feel connected to her. maybe like, adele? probably her yea 

9. yes i am a visual artist (preferred medium is watercolor) i looooove singing although i suck so i just do it for fun, i played the french horn for 2 years (also suck so not really lol) um i also write for fun and im good at writing informative essays (my school is big in the english program lol) i was also in 3 plays but i dislike theatre so no. also i like clothes i am a fashion artist wow

10. tf? idk? i have like 3 mottos: “if you want something done right, do it yourself” “the answer to existence is not why we are here, but how we affected others during our time here” “jack at all trades, master at none, better than a master at one “ “you don’t have to speak to be present” “consider how hard it is to change yourself and realize what little chance you have in trying to change others” “do the scary thing first, and get scared afterwards” “the very fact that you're actively looking for ways to become kinder, and attempting to understand your flaws and change them for the better is fair proof that you as a person, are kind.” OK YEA MAYBE I HAVE A CREED SO WHAT 

11. ideal day lol art, reading, and binge watching tv in bed while eating. otherwise spending the day meditating in a forest in spring where its warm but not too warm and just not speaking the entire day 

12. both. i have 3 cats and 2 dogs. love all of them dearly though i’d consider myself a human puppy vs a human kitty (im not a furry calm tf down)

13. outdoors, if you mean nature. if you just mean social activity, then indoors 

14. as i said before, i like singing even though i suck, in grade school i learned the ukelele, piano, and french horn. i remember none of that now 

15. influential books my ass. LETS GO: 1. into the wild (krakauer) 2. Fahrenheit 451 (cant remember author name but its fucking iconic and a classic and it made me think) 3. just gonna go an put harry potter because that shit changed my life 4. the hobbit? idk, iconic 5. i wanna read more literature-y books soon but whatever, i feel like i should say the great gatsby but honestly with writing my essay and everything i just dont give a shit anymore

16. ok i feel like if my parents werent as strict when i was younger id have less depression and be less stressed but then i would also care less about my grades and being kind and i like that about myself sooooo 

17. lol this is EXACTLY me guys because its fucking anonymous as hell because i know none of you (except for like 2 mutuals but ive never met them irl but they’re cool) i dont trust my friends. or family, for that matter

18. my patronus is a wolf thanks for asking; and my power animal: symbolizes instinct, intelligence, and an appetite for freedom. embody personal power and balance between self-control and animal instincts. a guide to inspire you to live more freely

19. im a gryffindor, i took the pottermore test twice and got it both times, also, i took it doing the opposite and got slytherin, so i aint them (but i love slytherin sooo)

20. fuck are you serious? honestly hogwarts would be awesome as hell but probably middle earth because it still got the magic but it gorgeous as hell 

21. yea i’d probably say i love easily since i like barely talk to my crushes and yet i think i really really like them because GODDAMN 

22. school. daydreaming. eating. phone. drawing. 

23. i feel like once i move out for college i’d like em a heck of a lot more, so probably like at least once a month? when i’m older? like at least once every 2 months? i love my extended fam though

24. oh fuck my friend from school and i fucking liked chinchillas when we were little, we always text each other the same thing at the same time, i always know what shes thinking and what the basis for her actions is. shes the bff that doesnt always act like it all the time 

25. fuck yes 

26. pansexual and PROUD but still in the closet except for the whole internet and 3 friends 

27. ok honestly i feel like i dress kinda like a basic girl just more minimalistic and modest but i kinda totally want the gays to recognize me and also i fucking want those patterned polos because hell to the yes. and also i want bangs but i do sports and i feel like id look ugly because everyone says they would (waiting til college, naturally) otherwise love my freckles and real dark eyes

28. honestly, probably like a 2-3. i don’t care SO much about what people think, but i’m fucking annoyed by really dumb things super easily. i’m just really good at hiding it so no one ever knows 

29. why music wtf OK: 1. need nothing - verite, 2. lover like me - off bloom 3. strapped - FOOL 

30. why the FUCK all my quotes are in my creed bitch lemme search :

“growing up is giving up” 

thanks for listening to my TED ED talk aaaaand i hope you know me a bit better and i hope i didn’t accidentally give away too much info and someone will come kill me ok BYE 

[actualbird]

Hey um this is dumb, but do you have any advice for when you're somebody who's 14 and unpopular and. Yea. Like I know instagram likes and sitting with people at recess and hanging out every weekend don't matter a ton, I'm just kind of ughkdgcj. Like some people are just so Cool and Well Liked and I don't understand it. Sorry to vent on you, you can completely ignore this and it's totally fine. I was just wondering if you remember being 14 and kinda helpless and confused. Thanks for existing.

oh hey. hi. im not very good with advice but i really really feel this a lot. when i was 14 i didnt really have any of that. never went out with friends. ate alone. i had people i joked with but nobody i actually talked to. i never got Seriously bullied but did hear people a lot of shit about me that tore my self esteem to shreds. it’s a pretty isolating experience not necessarily having anything bad happen but also having nothing...very good either. it made me feel like shit. i had no idea how people made friends or how they seemed so happy and how they did so well. i was convinced i was doing something wrong.

my advice for like. how to cope with that is....kinda not too tangible and more of a change in mindset? by the time i turned 15 i was just dead tired of feeling sorry for myself so i kinda. switched off the part of my brain that cared so much about what i didnt have and shifted onto things i did have? so what if i never went out or was always alone. i had a lot of free time so i pursued my hobbies and interests. fanfic was something i indulged in A LOT in those years and i found a really great community who loved to talk. got super super tired of believing bullshit others said about me so i cultivated this really weird motto i follow through til today: the only person who can make me feel like shit is myself. nobody else. (this goes without saying that dksfdjfhk this is NOT an invitation to make urself feel like shit. i just started from bare minimum. im working my way up. slowly...)

as for being confused how other people Do That Thing Where They’re Awesome, something i learned is that. well. there isnt a step by step process. if you asked them, chances are they probably dont know. they were just living life. they made friends and enjoyed and yeah, there will be some circumstantial things that definitely sway each and every outcome, but for the most part it just happens. my point here is that they didnt do something magically Correct, and the corrolary is that you arent doing anything Wrong either. social hierarchies are bullshit and while they do regrettably exist, the truth stands that we’re all just a bunch of kids who want to enjoy each day, in whatever definition of the word. 

if youre the type who can handle reaching out, i’d definitely recommend it. you dont have to do instagram likes and hanging out every weekend, but friends help. friends help so so much, and i assure you, theres somebody out there who wants to be your friend, whether they know it yet or not.

i still never go out. still eat alone. i talk to people more but it’s still hard. four years later and im still confused and still a little lost, but theres nothing wrong with that cuz theres nothing wrong with me. theres nothing wrong with you.

i really hope you feel less “ughkdgcj” soon anon. you seem like a kind soul and you deserve softer days that dont make you feel helpless. i hope this helped in any way at all

[yourmusicisfaintinmyears-blog]

How RSD can kill everything you thought you loved....

Overdramatic. Everyone always thought I was overdramatic.  “it aint that deep” But you dont get it. For me, it is. Or at least it feels that way.  A song comes on the radio. If I listen to the lyrics it makes it feel so incredibly intense that I could, potentially burst into incontrollable tears. The possibility is there - but I’ve gotten better at qwelling the tidal wave over the years.  When I was younger my motto was “never play a game you know you cant win”. I dont mean that in jest. I mean it. Literally. If you are not good enough to win. Do not play at all. Because if you lose, you will fall apart. Every single time. You will be reminded how useless you are and how all the work you do is useless and you will never ever in your life amount to anything worthwhile.  So, if you want that part, you better be BETTER than fantastic. BETTER than prepared. BETTER than everyone. You better be skinnier, and prettier, and you better stay up later and practice harder. You better stretch your spine taller, and memorize the material quicker. You better be perfect. Because if you’re not perfect, you are a failure. You lose. You better push until you break. Because at least, even if you physically hurt yourself, its easier to deal with that than the perceived THREAT of rejection. Because that shit hurts.  And you watch other people deal with rejection like a neurotypical person would. They get sad, maybe have a good cry if they really wanted it, maybe they go and have one too many glasses of wine and cry it out.  And they get up the next day and do it all over again. But for you its not like that. Because you feel it in your bones.  Rejection isn’t a “try again” for you. Because every single time you get rejected, you feel like you would rather die.  Imagine that. Having a brain that convinces you it would be better to not be living anymore than to just work through whatever rejection you face. It’s that painful. Its visceral. It makes you want to turn yourself inside out. Rip off your skin. Turtle inside your meat shell.  RSD and ADHD is being so full of “muchness” (I knew there was a reason I liked that term in Alice and Wonderland) that you’ve nowhere to put it. So it radiates out from you. On a good day, that’s all it does. It gives you that buzz that some mistake for positivity.  On other days - and if you’re not like the ones who can run for 3 hours in circles and get some of it out that way -- you end up presenting like a computer that needs an update.  Your circuits misfire. You shake uncontrollably when talking to other people. Or when you’re thinking about something you care about. Your voice shakes ,no matter how confident you are about what you know. And you try to stop and gather the words and breathe through the tremors, but you cant. Even after you take a few deep breaths, you still shake. More misfiring happens. “WHY ARE THESE PANTS TO ITCHY, WHY IS THAT NOISE SO LOUD, WHAT IN THE HELL IS THAT SMELL I THINK IM GOING TO HURL” And your brain plans out key points about that which inspires you (that which you are passionate about. that which you love), and they make sense inside your head but you try to say them outloud and you have to take several breaks ,or you misspeak and make your audience give you that confused look.  “THEY HATE YOU. THEY HATE YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE A FAILURE AND AN IDIOT AND A DRAMA QUEEN AND YOU NEVER SHOULD HAVE CARED ABOUT THIS OR TRIED TO MAKE THIS PASSION  A VIABLE OPTION FOR YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU ARE A FAILURE.  the voice of your freshman year acting teacher rings in your hears “IT AINT THAT DEEP” not for you, johnnie hobbs, its not. But for me... its deeper....

  No wonder you hate the ocean. Being swallowed alive by all of that...  No fucking wonder. 

[jasmentos]

1-21-18 quotes&mottos

Your past has given you the strength and wisdom you have today, so celebrate it! Don’t let it haunt you. 

friends that dont accept you for who you are arent really your friends. your true friends will never try to change you. (thanks nub <3 )

don’t fill your head with worries

dont let the ugly past hold the beauty that lives in your future hostage.

even the unfortunate experiences hold within it a blessing of some kind. 

dont be afraid of change. you may loose something good, but you may gain something even better. 

dont let people rush you with their timelines because earning your degress after 21 is still an achievement, getting married after 30 is still beautiful, starting a family after 35 is still possible, and buying a house after 40 is still a boss move! :]

it is not that life is getting easier but that you are getting stronger!

not everything you lose is a loss you can’t fix yourself by breaking someone else. 

people who try to bring you down are already below you. 

no one has ever made himself great by showing how small someone else is.

“if you can’t fly then run, if you cant run then walk, if you cant walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”

believe you can and you’re half way there

dont discuss the past unless its contructive in creating a better now. 

“synergy & the power of together!”

im not interested in competing with anyone. I hope we all make it.

any upward movement for one of us is a upward movement for all of us.

you shouldnt rush something that you want to last forever. 

things worth having are worth waiting for.

wait it out, be patient. all great things take time.

“I know you’re sad, so I wont tell you to have a good day. instead, i advise you to have simply have a day. stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don’t give up on yourself just yet. it’ll get better. until then. have a day.

the best is yet to come.

better days are coming.

what is coming is better than what is gone.

before you give up, think about why you held on for so long. 

stick it out!

trust is like paper. once its crumpled, it cant be perfect again. 

dont let a hard lesson harden your heart.

when you think positively, good things happen. 

pain makes people change.

kindness doesnt cost anything and neither does your smile so sprinkle them everywhere!

dont cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it. 

good days and bad days are a part of life. stay positive and you’ll always be happy.

forget the past and remember the lesson

your feelings will change but not the memory.

make the most of a bad situation.

im a star and i only take meteor showers.

sometimes the best views come after the hardest climbs.

your life is nothing but a reflection of your mind. if you want to change things, change your thoughts. 

just because a decision hurt does not mean that it was a wrong one. 

worrying wont stop bad things from happening. it only stops you form enjoying the good things. 

you’ll meet two kind of people in your life: ones who’ll build you up and ones who’ll tear you down, but in the end, you’ll thank them both. 

you know you’re on the right track when you become uninterested in looking back.

invest in people who invest in you.

your goals dont care about your problems.

you were born an original, so dont die as a copy!

failure is dealt before success. 

win or learn. never lose.

dont watch the clock. do what it does-- keep going. 

you’re a gift. open up. be present :]

the fact that you arent where you want to be should be enough motivation.

care less. you’ll be less stressed.

if you want to be happy either change the situation or change your mindset towards it. 

“attract what you expect, reflect what you desire, become what you respect, and mirror what you admire. 

share space with people who give you room to grow. 

everyday is an opportunity to grow.

do something you really like and hopefully it pays the rent. as far as im concerned, that’s success.

dont judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seed that you plant.

never discourage anyone who continually makes progress, no matter how slow. 

optimism is the best way to see life!

money comes like a turtle and goes like a rabbit.

everyone wants to be successful until they see what it actually takes.

dont let go of what matters most just because others dont understand its importance to you.

the best things are felt by the heart.

the tongue has no bones but it can be strong enough to break the heart so be careful with your words.

being called weird is like being called limited edition. it means youre something people dont see often.

the key to successful leadership today is influence, not authority.

everything has a purpose

dont let the world change your smile but change the world with your smile

you cant improve your life without trying something new

dont lose to yourself 

[hanasaku-shijin]

LWA19 liveblog under the cut:

oh god oh boy

FUCKING FINALLY IVE WAITED 4 YEARS FOR DIANA’S BACKSTORY LOOOORDD

oh jesus starting with the flashback baby angsT

WHEN

TRADITIONAL

AND MODERN POWERS

MIX

HOLY FUCUUUCKCK IT’S LITERALLY DIANA AND AKKO AAAAAAAAAAAAAH FINALLLLYYYYYYY

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MAMA CAVENDISH PLS

ooohhh my god oh my GOD

SHE’S GONNA  OPEN THAT GATE

FOR HER MOTHERRRRR

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

but little does she know she’ll need Akko’s help hueheue

wow fuck im gonna CRY

NOOOOOOPPPE NOPE NNOOOPPPEEE TOO SAD BYE

oh shit i just remembered andrEW is gonna be in this...........

pls be there for .5 seconds and then leave

oh no Hannah and Barbara cryiiiIIINNGGG

ALKSDJHG FUCK NOOOOOOOOOO

PROFESSORS DONT LET HER GOOOOOOO

i love that H&B dont even show they care it’s Akko they’re talking to they just spill the beans and dont even have the energy to be nasty to her like usual

w h a  t   th e  h e ll 

what is this “ritual” sounds fishy

IF IT’S AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE IM GONNA SCREAM pls trigger have more class than that

OH MAN TONIGHT

AKKO CANT HANDLE THAT SHE DOESNT HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO LET IT SINK IN

H&B crying sounds so painful BUT WHAT IF DIANA CRIES

FUCK ME

AKKO IS SO UPSET BY THE IDEA OF DIANA QUITTING

SHE KNOWS DIANA WOULDNT WANT THIS SHE KNOWS DIANA WANTS TO STUDY MAGIC MORE AND GRADUATE AKKO KNOOOOWS

holy shit im not even 5 minutes in but i just

i need to

i cant believe this is actually happening im FINALLY GETTING TO HAVE THIS

uWEH Lotte petting her little sprite ;w;

wow Akko just fucking BARGES INTO DIANA’S ROOM WITHOUT EVEN KNOCKING OMG

oh man she doesnt even hesitate she knows where diana is if she isnt at her room

she knows EXACTLY WHERE TO GO SHE KNOWS DIANA 

i s2g if akko sees her crying as she takes off and cant stop her im gonna lose my shit

oh my lord

it’s

it’s hAPPENING

A DIANAKKO MOMENT WHEN THEY ARE ALONE TOGETHER

FOR LONGER THAN .3 SECONDS

F I N A L L Y

okay i gotta *INHALES*

okay

im

gonna do this

HERE I GO

“it isn’t like you to leave something unfinished” AKKO HAS COME TO KNOW HER SO WELL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

IM FUCKING LOSING IT YOU GUYS

if 

if diana leaves right fucking there right in FRONT OF HER

OH GOD

oh shit

Akko mentioned

Diana’s

parents

oh

oh nnoo

oh my god diana is bREAKING THE RULES FOR AKKO 

oh my god she’s about to cry you can hear it in her voice

I CANT DO THIS

noooooooo they’re doing this “rival” bs again

not rivals FRIENDS PLEEEEEASE

FUCK

okay OKAY in akko’s flashbacks of the people she loved Diana was there like 3 TIMES AAAAHHH THAT’S LIKE MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE I THINK??? idk i will go back and count later knowing me

lol andrEW was there once LMAO SUCK IT he was there as often as Arcas LOL

oH

SHE REVEALED SHE KNEW ABOUT THE WORDS

OH MY GOD THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT THE WORDS

DIANA KNOWS AKKO IS THE ONE WHO HAS TO FIND THEM

BUT THAT DOESNT MEAN DIANA CANT HELP AND AKKO KNOWS THAT

she’s gonna miss her professors and FRIENDS 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

GO GET HERRRRRR AKKOOOOOOO AAAAAAAAAAAH

FUCK

FUFFFUFUFKCCKCK

you know diana left as quickly as she did cuz she could probably feel herself about to cry so she had to leave before akko could see that

on another note, wasn’t this episode supposed to have OVA-styled animation cuz im not seeing it

yo the Cavendish estate tho

MORE UNICORNS OHHHHH MAN

oohhh thank god Diana has a nice maid ;v;

ohhh FUCK

she’s smiling BUT

BUUUUUUUUUT

WAAAAAAAAH

oh my gOD

her fucking aunt LITERALLY HAS A SNAKE

W OW HOW FITTING

oh great a dinner party with andrEW and his dad probably so Aunt Bitch and him can make business ventures and shit to screw everyone over

W H AT THE FUCK IS SHE HOLY SHIT SHE JUST VANISHES??? UMM???

oh my god

akKO

HIIIIITCHHIIIIKE

holy shit cant wait for an audio blurb of that

okay look literally akko is so small compare to andrEW WHY DO PEOPLE SHIP THEM HE’S SO FUCKING BIG HE’S CLEARLY SO MUCH OLDER THAN HER EW GODDDDD

STOP IIIIIT HE’S LIKE 30

ew i cant even handle seeing her next to him like that uggh

OOOH more hints at violence and rage across the world

bet Croix is having a field day with that

oh yes good thank god they confirmed diana and andrew are related on some level so they cant be getting an arranged marriage thank GOD

so yeah i should mainly be worried for akko hhhhhhhhhhha

OH MY GOD

DIANA

ACTUALLY

RIDES HORSES

HOLY SHIT

THAT MEANS

YOU KNOW SHE CAN RIDE  U N I C O R N S

OOOHHH MY GOD EQUESTRIAN STUFF IS MY SHIT

OH FUCK

oh my god i literally predicted what akko and diana said to each other right off the bat i have a post where i CALLED THAT SHIT

but can andrEW leave now pls can we have more diana/akko moments alone

this is the first time we’ve seen diana wearing pants tho wow

OH GOOD andrEW is gone for now

oh my god Diana absolutely can not STAND these women holy shit she’s gonna lose it if Akko doesnt first, hearing them insult Luna Nova

oOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

IT WASN’T EVEN THAT DIANA WAS MAD AT THEM DISSING LUNA NOVA SHE WAS MAD ABOUT THEM DISSING AKKO HERSELF

IM FUCKING S C REA M ING

SHE

JUMPED IN TO DEFEND AKKO

TOOK HER BY THE HAND

HOLY JESSUS IM

i literally i need to  l i e dow n

oh my  god u guys they touched

in canon

im

i literally fucking im

holy fuck

oooooooooooh my god

I NEED A MINUTE

IT’S TAKEN ME 40 MINUTES TO GET 16 MINUTES INTO THIS

i need to

rewatch that part agAIN

MY GOFD

“AS MUCH A WITCH AS I AM”

WE ALL KNOW THAT ISN’T TRUE BUT HOLY SHIT DIANA IS DOING WHATEVER SHE HAS TO TO DEFEND AKKO

HOLY LOOORRRRD IN HEAVEN

oh my god akko

HOOO

DIANA YELLS HER NAME LOL

GETTING SCOLDED BY THE GF

oH

I love Anna

protective nice maid who was probably diana’s only friend as a child after her mom died

she silences Akko right away because she wants Diana to be heard no matter what, probably because no one else at that mansion will listen to her

OH MY GOD

THEY’RE PUTTING AKKO

IN ONE OF DIANA’S DRESSES

EL E V E N TH   BIRTHDAY

AND AKKO

FITS INTO IT OMFG

but ooohh my gosh this means DIANA TRUSTS AKKO

WITH THIS IMPORTANT DRESS HER MOTHER GOT FOR HER ESPECIALLY

OH MY GOD???

oh my god oH MY GOD

SHE’S GONNA TOUCH THAT BEAR ISNT SHE AND DIANA’S GONNA FREAK OH YMY GOD

OH

FUCKING

FINALLLLYY

WOOP THERE IT IIIIIIS

FINALLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

THAT PREMIUM CARD

AFTER 18 WEEKS OF SPECULATION FINALLY IT IS CONFIRMED

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASS

“Affection” is 

the Cavendish motto

holy fuck 

me and my shipping ass will let them show “affection” all right

OH MY GOD THIS IS AMAZING

oh boy is akko finally gonna learn about diana’s past and mom ///? PLEASE

oh my god is akko having dinner with them

IN THAT DRESS

AND DIANA

IN ANOTHER DRESS FUCK MEEEEEEE

OH MY GOD

final minutes what giant thing is gonna be revealed at supper??

oh my gOD AKKO’S SHIT TABLE MANNERS

diana’s like “how am i gonna live with this in the future when she’s my wife” LOL

oh my god is she gonna try to SELL him Diana’s stuff??? or worse HER MOTHER’S STUFF??? I BET YOU

OH

FUCK

NOOOOOOOOOO

NOOOOONONONNONOOONNOOOOOO

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

FUCK THIS BITCH

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKING DOOONT

oh my god this is it

shit is going down

THEY’RE GONNA FUCKING DUEL OR SOMETHING

OH MAANNNN

oh

 my go d

i

im fucking shook

holy fucking shit

[misterbitches]

Im not intelligent at all. In the conventional sense. The ramblings of a girl who just has sooo much going in in her head it's constant. But im not a genius. Or that confusing.

It just sounds like I am bc fandoms have this issue where they can JUSTSO point out the issues in soletiing. They can pick and prod and go oh problematic! But then you go to name the problems and the difficulties within society like for ex: the idea of representation in general. Salivating over it. How fucking sad that is. How we are trained to accept it. So in a BL and also RACE in the bl genre they exploit viewers naivete both domestically and internationally. Ive seen tons of people liken being asian to being a person of color. However, in their predominantly homogenous society (or intentionally publically homogenous society), they are not "poc" (also name the of color; i dont use bipoc idc if u do but it's called being asian guys cos yall aint talkin about black ppl lmao)

They as humans seeing other humans who look like them everywhere, engage with the world differently than an american in asia or asians living outside of their home country (like bae doo nanwhen she worksnin the US is not the same as the bae doo nanworking on a korean program) I dont complain about it in everything i see bc ppl say it ALL THE TIME. but it is NOT the same. Being a person of color is very distinctly an american concept. This is all stuff people will get to know on their own if they choose to dig more.

I do my best to underline what my ugly little eyes process. How i figure things out as a black female american artist too! Im hard on shit cos i should be. I take it seriously. And even if i dont take it seriously bc THEY dont then thats their problem.

I know this is a complaint that I am not alone in. I know it's the internet. I just don't get how people can write really heavy analysis but they refuse to actually probe the underlying issues. Not everyone is me, or like my friends, but if there's way fewer people talking about this stuff it seems absolutely glaring when theres few people engaging in the way i do. It seems like im the glitch but I am thinking just as much just differently.

I really loved where your eyes linger but there was little deep class analysis. I remember few convos a bout it. I know a lot about korea (sigh being a black ex kpop fan lol mess) and i love the history but all ofnit matters! Korea's relation to labor!

People bringing up thai actors snd actresses leaving the industry and doing acting as something quick. As an artist~ who went to film school with insanely wealthy ppl and isnin tons of debt you have to understand how shitty that is. People have monetary access and they just fucking do whatever just because they want to. Meanwhile you have young people being coerced into this bullshit mainstream life to LITERALY just make money bc they dont come from a rich background. The wealth gap in thailand is BAD, theres a dictatorship, they had a fucking coup. The governments like here do not respect their people. Their marginalized groups. Trans thai women, black thai ppl, poor thai ppl. And it LITERALLY CANNOT DO ANYTHING EFFECTIVELY IN CAPITALISM. No nothing can be perfect but if it's going into our eyeballs and we can view the worlld critically then why the fuck not!???

I dont say the things i see are wrong always. I reply when i think i need to. I try and engage with others but not to kuch avail. I just want to rb stuff and tdhink lajfhhdjwhjej.

But like yea theres a lot of just wrong or misguided stuff. A lot of the times it is just historical inaccuracy in framing or idk. A refusal to think outside the box. I dont care. Theres more to life than just sort of looking and not thinking especially for othrr artists.

Idk im sorry. I dont see how i can change how i view things. I really wish people would expand their palettes too and go deeper into other means of art from places! Things not in the mainstream! Theres a lot of good thai artists and a lot of them critical as fuck about their country as they should be. Authority, austerity, patriarchy, capital, racism etc like that is central to a power thats interested in growing gains and fiscal and social power. Theres rly radical or left leaning etc ppl out there in the world and these countries in these communities. So they exist. No people in these countries dont have NO clue whats going on. Cultural relativism is alsos something people should understand. I had a good talk with ppl on here a while ago about that. Talking about shit, critiquing, but being respectful to a group. Part of thay is realizing these groups CLEARLY know their own issues and all our cultures share the same goal. Guess what it is. It rhymes with acquiring wealth. Money means you hurt people. In the post, we talked about use of "wife" and "husband" which is a stupid joke that has been "explained" a billion times and yet the explanations still dont seem to answer or justify a minor problem (it's very funny to me that a language that doesnt have gendered pronouns is now very specific about two men. Hmmm wonder why. It is annoying.)

So im not the only person on the planet doing this. Or the few ppl ive seen that do. Im not new my thoughts arent new. Ive gotten to see another side to a culture i knew not much about and that means i can put the context of my beliefs and life and try and understand thheirs. For ex i learned from ITSAY because of a sign that said 'french food' that they were the only country to not be colonized back then. Do you know how integral that history is to their region? That was an interesting detail (i didnt finish itsay bc ihad a lot going on and i was rly upset that i would see hownrich they are and i hate that.)

Anyways thats my complaint. It used to feel like a sting of rejection. I left online for months in 2019, i started organizing more, joined a union, trying to do some panther work shit like that. I learned a lot in those months and it changed my life! But when I came back, I felt so isolated. It wasnt my true friends tho sometimes theyre ANNOYINGGGGG (love u) but it was me being like "if we are going to complain guys then lets put our money where our mouth is" lets be fucking serious about it then. No say it with your chest dude. It isnt difficult. Go with the fucking flow, talk about it, critique it, think. You can still fucking like itnor love it.

I am BLACK ok and i love rap. I am a black woman. I will continue to clown black men that cant seem to not clown themselves and listen. No i wont support monetarily: drake is a creep and i hate him but i bump that niggas song. Thats fucking LIFE. I got so sick of hiding myself and it became clear that it wasnt that i wasntthinking well or hard enough. They just didnt like that i said we need to commit class suicide and inspect out middle class sensibilities and middle class wealth hoarding (google it) if thats what we engaged with. Every part of you, antagonize it. I still have my privileges; class, skin color, even my father being a nigerian immigrant, me being cis, im not str8 but not a lesbian and those are differences.

Insecurities in general but some shallow thoughts (?) on discussion in "fandom" space. FYI, this will most likely stay the same. I tend to stay in my own bubble socially IE me and my friends are similar in our views. During this awful year while running my union's account, im surrounded by like minds. Me and my friends? We changed together. We grew up and saw what we didnt like and what we want. We do our best.And i CHOOSE my life to be that way bc it should be. There is no solution. I dont believe in solutions because the solution is to abolish capital or just divest. Abolishing capital and labor are a huge one and i will die before that happens (but so help me as long as im alive? Black women to FREEDOMMMM is my motto!) so making your own path in life is the best thing an artist can do IN MY OPINION.

However with technology and stuff this puts another layer onto things. Tech, social media, this shit....it THRIIIIIIIVESSSSSSS off of conflict and shallow readings of the world. We are literally primed for it. Engagement in bites. Impossible for me with my brain; i got used to it and i paid for it by limiting my scope. Not being encouraged to THINK AND READ before just speaking

(For ex i am in iww, i helped form a branch here. It is a radical union. Unionism is imprative to me-if ur interested u should read up on some. Look up peter cole! Google inthesetimes Ilwu. Gives you some understanding. Ive always been progressive and now i am....very left idk ic ant label myself. But even in my progrssiveness i had the gall to tell my white friend, whoa has her privileges but i had mine with our class disparity, that we dont need unions, i have WORKED retail. Ive done barista work for sonoing and i do gig work. So i wasnt out of touch. I had been stiffed even with a shoot i was working on by rich kids. So i had a frame of reference . But i didnt know what the FUCKa union was and why it is imperative. Then learning about anarcho syndicalism and all these other things. It changed my fucking life but two years earlier i was this idiot spouting shit like that making one of my best friends fucking upset. We DO AND CAN CHANGE. Think!!!!)

So were i a creator for tv id just constantly try and push the buttons if i need big money. Make them sell into me (thank you sonic youth!) theres Endless possibilities guys which means theres SO MUCH TK EXPLORE!!!! When i wanna have fun with it i just have fun. When i want to think i do. I dont understand why we are so dedicated to upholding things and doing mental gymnastics to end up in a space you dont need mental gymnastics for. What about these critiques makes you uncomfortable? Saying we're all part of the problem as spectators? Im sorry but we will always be. Thats LIFE. God fuck. Fuck me. I feel so fucking worthless and stupid sometimes. I know I am not. I know i am talented and intelligent. I know my friends and family. I know how to approach ppl. I know how to tell people if they are rich but want to be progressive whatsup. I choose how i live part of that is being ok to say what i want.

Ironically consrrvatives say this shit alot. But they arent ever alone bc their ideology is default. But yea it does feel shitty. It even feels shitty when ur in left circles but people STILL dont even wanna do that. These perspectives really arent ss many as they should be. I dont want to feel so alone with it. I know there are more. I just love art and the world so fucking much, endless possibility. Endless pain but endless good.

[morningpages-louise]

November 01 - Setting intentions for November, looking back at 2018 so far, and Reminders and affirmations of life.

it's fucking november. what the fuck. this month, no this year, it went by so fast. i literally say that every year tho. we all do. why is that? the worst part is, most of us, including me, go by it without being mindful. without appreciating the things happening before us. we just kind of let these moments slide right through us. we forget to be mindful. we forget to take a breath, look around and appreciate. appreciate all that we have. appreciate this moment right here which will never ever be replicated. instead, we thinkin about what's lacking. we think about what could make these moments better. we bring in negativity into an otherwise perfect moment. it's annoying as hell but we all do it, we do it unconsciously. this negativity should not and will not rule over our lives. that's why this November, I VOW TO BE MORE MINDFUL--take deeper breathes. take things slower. not overthink every single fucking situation and just allowing each moment to pass. i really want to spend less time infront of my screen too. engaging in mindless social media which is so damn bad i dont know why im sucked into it so much :( but yeah. i just want to go back to the basics. slow down. appreciate. and cherish these last 2 months that I have left. because i will never have these months left. appreciate and take into grattitude.

i would also really like to just look at this year that went by because it's almost coming to a close. 2 months. you know what i find myself being so busy but I must never forget who i am and who my values are and what i value and why i took up all these opportunities in the first place -- for growth, to develop myself, to step out of my comfort zone and become more of the person who i am bound to be, whoever that is. sometimes i really feel like im being sucked in the system. it's like i forget the reason why i decided to do this work in the first place. and it's so damn important to never lose that. never lose that meaning and that reason and that drive that pushed us to try this new thing out in the first place. so damn important. huhu i feel like im on my flow. i love it when these moments come. work starts to be on autodrive and my mind is clearer, and i feel more motivated to work and all. but yes, it's november 2 now. i started writing this november 1.  I feel like when i started this term, i had a grip on my life. i had so much free time. i had a routine set in motion, but then it felt at times like i was just doing certain things for that tick on my planner, which is one of the reasons i stopped using my green bulletjournal. and i was just setting myself up to do so many things -- listen to the news, meditate, write, yoga, and all that stuff and the reality is, as simple as these tasks may be, i just didn't have the time to do most of the stuff and i wanted to do it out of impulse and not out of force, although i do know that that force is what makes certain tasks habits but you get what i mean. so yeah ive completely gotten rid of that way of living. now, it's just me and a black empty canvas and i kind of just choose how i go about my day. the things i want to do more of are

--> Find more time to Read. god, it's been so hard to slip in a quick 30 minutes or even a goddamn chapter :( i get so anxious man gud. so even if i do find a little hole for me to do what i love doing so much, i get an anxious feeling in the back of my mind which is annoying as hell.

--> Indulge in creative projects. no, not write for the sake of my damn internship and shit but create projects that give me joy. i feel like its so important to find time to do these things because being creative is a sort of portal to your soul. it taps into your consciousness and what interests you, what aspects fascinate you and all that stuff. for me, i'd really love to create more personal videos about important moments in my life. i've only done one video about my birthday but it felt so damn great to be honest. the next one i would like to do would be a video about my unit because that unit i hold so close to my heart man. so many memories. so many moments. so many people whove spent a certain amount of time at one point of their lives. im really obsessed with memories. i love saving them. i love keeping them and organizing them so i can look through them from time to time. yup i guess im floating. that's the song im listening to now. it's awesome. it feels like im stuck in a particular moment. held within time. that kind of stuff. god writing feels so good. it gives me a fucking high. makes me tap into my consciousness and check in on how im feeling. okay anyways getting a bit off track.

--> spend more time appreciating things and being in the moment rather than on social media. cmon guys, it's practically the last 60 days of 2018 and im gonna spend it attached to my goddamn phone? nuh-uh. the time for living should be now. the time for being aware and savoring every little moments and creating memories and cherishing them and just taking moments to feel goddamn alive you know. make this year worth something.

but honestly, it's hard to really look back at this year and see the growth that has transcended over the course of the few months. it's hard to look back because im living in it right now and i don't know. right now, it doesn't really feel like much has changed. it doesn't really feel like ive grown. or ive changed or ive bloomed which was literally this year's motto dba. that's why my peg for the whole year was a sunflower, inspired by tylor the creator's album sunflowers or whatever it was called. i still feel the same. i have felt like im the same person for so long to be honest. it never really feels like ive changed, but i bet i have. i just fail to see it. but honestly in terms of headspace, i can honestly say that i feel like im in a better place. im more at peace with certain aspects of my thoughts. ofcourse, i don't think we can ever really be fully at peace with ourselves, but in some way i feel like ive mended certain parts. i'm not in so much pain anymore. when i started the year, i had just broken up with my boyfriend of almost three years. ofcourse i still think about him every now and then, how can you not honestly especially when you spend so much time with a person like that, and it does still pain me when he chats with me to ask something or when i see him because i get a little hope extinguished in me of us getting back together even though i know in the end, despite everything, that we're better off apart. we're better off not together. because it was getting so bad. there was no fire. there was nothing. i felt like i was just forcing myself at times to like him. i didnt even look forward to seeing him whenever i came back from Manila, and that's not a good sign at all. so yeah, i know the most annoying advice ever is when people say time heals. it's so frustrating because you can't really do anyhing but let time heal you and well, it's true. it sucks but its so true. in time, you will just hurt less. there will be a time when his name comes up and it doesn't hurt so much or your thoughts don't start jumping up into nostalgic memories of the both of you. strangers again. it sucks but its the reality, i guess. i knw we shouldn't be together. we weren't a good match no matter how much nstalgia tells you otherwise. but i really really really hope to become good friends with him atleast. not be so fucking scared whenever im about to see him. not feel like i have to drink a whole fucking liter of beer before i see him. because in all honestly, he was such a good friend. so caring and so kind and he always tried to make a positive situation out of something so negative. his optimism sometimes annoyed the shit out of me especially when we were together because it's not as easy to just say like oh don't think about it like that. life is so much more complicated than that. its' a lot more complex. hay i really miss talking to him. he was such a good person to just let everything out to. i miss that the most. but it's okay. i have this morning thoughts now dba? to let everything out and just dump my thoughts and whats been circulating nonstop in my mind. cge anyways, what else. i feel healed. i feel like my headspace is better. well--i also feel like ive gotten better with regards to my connections. i love how this year, ive added new people to my circle. my favorite part. i love how this year has opened me to meeting more people. it has also let me become closer to my existing relationships. made it stronger and that makes me so happy. probably the most important thing i learned this year was the importance of connections, and that no man is an island. no matter how introverted we may be, we can't survive without having connected with other people. i really just want to have more of those throughout my life--genuine connections. where i can be myself and they can be themselves. and where we actually enjoy each others companies. not lackluster, shallow relationships that never seem to go beyond a certain level you know. i want deep, loving, intimate connections. i wish to find a tribe of people where i feel supported and everything. my life goal. but yeah im happy ive opened myself up to meeting new people. probably the biggest development of this year is well the fact that i now have an internship-say what? and or a company ive been following for quite some time nonetheless, mad travel. this whole year i feel like ive been trying to get a job and now i finally have found the time to do so and it makes me happy :) atleast. i know i am capable of gainig jobs and putting myself out there. i feel more confident applying for my jobs and my resue is looking fine. and although my internship is actually sort of a source of stress and anxiety these days, i shouldnt take it so goddamn seriously because in 2-3 years i will just look back at these moments and it wont even matter. what mattered is i did my best. i shouldnt take my work so seriously gyud. that's why i hate turning down friends or turning down invitations for my fucking work because in the end we all fucking die. in the end whatever titles we may have at the moment wont even fucking matter you know. we all die in the end so just live unapologetically and bear yourself to the world. that's so damn difficult and i feel like we take life so damn seriously. we really need to loosen up and have fun and not overthink every single fucking thing. why are we all so damn anxious? it makes me so angry like goddamn get it together. we have lost the true essence and meaning of our lives. we have forgotten why we are here in the first place. to love. to feel. to experience. to learn and most of all, to enjoy. okay that's my ted talk. goodbye and sayonarra.