#im not lying when i say that i started this video back in august

[winterrhayle]

RANK 1989 AND FEARLESS RIGHT TF NOWW

i cant even complain anymore bc i brought this onto myself ahaha

1989

this love - the bridge of this song actually KILLSLSSSSS me everytime it makes me FEEL THINGS OMG LIKE. the production is like a wave just HIT ME IN THE FACE,, and the added echos onto taylors version????? PUT ME LITERALLY 6 FEET UNDERGROUND ITS SO GOOD,,,, im so glad that people are finally starting to give it attention bc of it being one of the 2 tvs on 1989 bc this song really is THAT GIRL

you are in love - this song is literally all i want to experience in life,,, its another underrated gem and its sosososo cute and i love how she wrote this about jack antonoff thats peak friendship tbh

wildest dreams - so iconic how she put her actual heartbeat into this song,, also have u heard the music video version of this???? basically, towards the end theres added instruments and it sounds more orchestral and ASIGDUSDGLHFASTFGYUASGDJHAIISUFGHJKAFDSGH

style - THEEEEEEEE STRUT SONG. CATCH ME ON A WEDNESDAY NIGHT IN MY ONESIE PRETENDING LIKE IM ON A CATWALK IN MY BEDROOM. im not a haylor stan BUT thank u harry styles for making this song happen (same goes for out of the woods which brings me to my next ranking,,,,....)

out of the woods - THE PRODUCTION. PUT THE SONG ON AND PROPERLY L I S T E N. jack antonoff and taylor put their whole soul into that bridge bc....,..,, the build up to that big moment and the layering of sounds and then the pull back of the production on 'you were lookin at me' to show that all of the anxiety from outside of the relationship fades when she looks at HIM AND OAFIUAGFHLSVHDG (im so normal about this)

i know places - ok 1989 has the best production ever tbh,, bc the click of the recorder thingy at the start and end of the song to show that shes constantly being watched by the public????? *CHEFS KISS* its always super interesting to see insights like this into what its like to be famous, and this song with all of the themes of being anxious in a relationship bc of people watching is soo reminiscent of out of the woods (and u already know how i feel about that song hahaha)

blank space - this song is reputation (lyrically) before rep even existed,, the whole thing with her leaning into the untrue persona people gave her is very rep coded + this song is probably the most iconic thing to come out of 2014, and its also so funny bc when it came out i didnt know it was satire, so 8 year old me was yell-singing 'boys only want love if its torture' with my WHOLE BODY LMAOOOO and i turned out to be a lesbian so maybe i was onto something there

wonderland (gotta preface this by saying that im NOT a gaylor,, im just gonna say how i interprate this song for myself ) - i listen to this song in a very lesbian way. the idea of a relationship being doomed bc of peoples thoughts but being in ur own bubble in the magic of it all anyway??????? lesbian. 'too in love to think straight'???? lesbian. also the b

shake it off - i unironically think this is such a bop. idc what yall say,, if ur a shake it off hater u just dont know how to have fun,, haters gonna hate i guess

new romantics - this song is soooooo 1989 tour. whenever i think about it i mourn the fact that i didnt go and experience it

welcome to new york - ICONICCCC ALBUM OPENER. the progression from 'some day i'll be livin in a big old city' to 'welcome to new york it's been waiting for you' makes me want to sob. also her going 'the lights are so bright but they never blind me' to 'the lights and boys are blinding' ON THE SAME ALBUM is so funny like girl why are u lying😭

all you had to do was stay - this song is so funny bc didnt she say that she heard the high pitched 'STAY' in her dreams and then put it in the song😭, also i love the genre of taylor song that is actually lyrically so sad but is paired with really upbeat happy production😭 for example august and forever winter

clean - i have a confession, i didnt like this song for yearrrrsss but now ive matured and im sane and i understand that this is such a perfect album closer, i love how its a lot calmer than the rest of the album and i really love the secret message for this song in the album cd booklet 'she lost him, but she found herself, and somehow that was everything'

how you get the girl - iconic of her to have a literal instruction manual for men with no communication skills. and its a bop so there really is something for everyone here

i wish you would - this song kinda reminds me of i almost do (aka one of my faves off red)

bad blood - iconic music video, iconic feature with kendrick lamar BUT. the lyrics arent up to her usual level,, however the bridge is still rly good,, i just think that reputation executed this songs vibe a lot better

fearless (im already dreading this omg,, why is it SO LONG) also just for fun im gonna put this emoji ☔️ on every song that mentions the rain or a storm bc theres sososo many

come in with the rain ☔️- shout out to me for bring the only person who appreciates this song,, like.....,.,.,.,,,,,, 'hoping that someone will come back and just watching the 'and i, ive got you down / i know you by heart / and you dont even know where i start' HELLO? this is such a comfort song and it is very relatable 13/10

the other side of the door ☔️- another underrated bop BURIED by the sheer number of songs on this album😭 the outro alone should make this song more popular bc LISTEN TO ITTTTT

the way i loved you☔️ - shes so silly for this bc this mindset is exactly what she was taking about growing from in daylight😭 anyways,, iconic bridge,, so fun to sing, another 13/10

you belong with me - PICK ME ANTHEM🗣🔊💥💥💥💥 also i saw someone post that its rly funny how the song says 'i remember you drivin to my house in the middle of the night' but in the music video taylor and the love interests are next door neighbours😭 like why are u driving 10 meters king !?

breathe - ANOTHER COMFORT SONG (the lyrical content is actually very sad but whatever) its about a friendship breakup and to me it also is very reminiscent of a wlw breakup and iahdouslahgdhfgsadfhjgshjadf also i love the outro sm (the im sorry repeat part) anddd idk why but i find the way she sings 'and we know its never simple never easy' soo satisfying

fearless☔️ - THIS SONG IS SO FUN IM SO GLAD SHES PLAYING IT ON THE ERAS TOUR BC IT SO PERFECTLY REPRESENTS THIS ALBUM AS A WHOLE WITH THE FREENESS OF THIS LOVE AND THE RAIN LYRICS AND THE BANJO AND EAHHASAGDFHGLSDAHFSDGF

white horse - i love this song sm bc in all her old albums (including this one) she really emphasises the whole perfect fairytale romance thing but in this song she flips the whole thing and shes like nvm ive been delusional bc this isnt a fairytale, i deserve better, and and ur actually not allathat. byee

youre not sorry - THE MELODRAMA HAHAHAHHAH I LOVE THIS SONG, also im obsessed with the speak now mashup where she did back to december/apologise/youre not sorry bc thats probably my favourite ever live recording of her

bye bye baby ☔️- the first line is so good bc she says 'it wasnt just like a movie / the rain didnt soak through my clothes (❌☔️)/ down to my skin' bc this whole album shes talking about fairytale romance and kissing in the rain and here shes like nah i lied i was over romanticising this bc this didnt actually happen lolz (similar to white horse)

fifteen - this song is so relatable bc this exact thing happened with me when i was 15☠️ also why are her songs about abigail always the saddest things ever bc we have this one AND HAPPINESS???????? abigail was going thru it fr..,. oh and production wise i love the brief pause and the drums at 3:48 (this is very specific but whateverrr lol)

love story - what can i say...,.,,, its literally love story..,,,,,.,,,,.. the song of the century tbh, its not my personal favourite but i still adore it sm and i love the romeo juliet aesthetic and i love how shes wearing romeos shirt in the fearless taylors version cover (also apparently taylor wrote this song in 20 minutes???? thats crazy talent)

dont you - im obsessed with the vocal layering on 'my heart knows what the truth is' in contrast to the rest of this fairly simple song. also i love the parallel between 'sometimes, i really wish that i could hate you / i've tried, but that's just somethin' i can't do' and 'i can’t make it go away by making you a villain'

we were happy - to make this even more depressing i like to imagine this song sung by the person from mary's song,, where before they were these childhood friends-lovers who thought they were gonna be together forever. 'and our daddies used to joke about the two of us / they never believed we'd really fall in love' to 'talking 'bout your daddy's farm / and you were gonna marry me'

forever & always☔️- she ENDED joe jonas in this one LMAOOOOOOO 'was i out of line? / did i say something way too honest / made you run and hide / like a scared little boy' kills me hahhahahha

tell me why - i cant relate to this song but it is so fun to pretend to be angry and sing

thats when☔️ - most of the fearless vaults are super underrated and that makes me so sad actually, bc this song is so nicely produced it feels so light and airy

you all over me☔️ - 'once the last drop of rain / had dried of the pavement' is a very iconic lyric for such a rainy album. its good closure only...,,.,,,, THE ALBUM IS NOT FINISHED BC ITS 26 TRACKS LONG

mr perfectly fine - ok im gonna say it, this song is overrated. im SORRY,,, i love the song (especially the key change bc omg) but i feel like forever & always said everything this song did but in a better way???? but i do appreciate the sarcastic nature of this track

the best day - GOD BLESS ANDREA SWIFT

today was a fairytale - ok from this song ranking down i feel like the songs could have been cut out of the album,, bc honestly these songs are the reason why fearless drags on and is my least favourite ts album :(((( if these werent on it fearless would be higher on my album ranking,, anyway i think that today was a fairytale is super cute and nice but its very generic lyrically (also i like to imagine this song to be about the too perfect bf she talks about in the way i loved you)

untouchable - when i found out this song is a cover i was actually shook to my core bc the og is rock and it sounds so different😭 props to taylor bc she rly did make the song her own

change - the hallelujahs in this song are funny bc its literally christian country girl cosplay😭 go off i guess??????? one time my dad gave me the aux at church (hes a priest) and he told me to put on some christian songs and i played this one LMAOOOOOO

superstar - this ones cute, its like those one direction fanfics where a member would fall in love with a fangirl

jump then fall - this song is nice ! thats all i can say tbh

hey stephen☔️- whyyyy is this on the album,, stephen i do NOT care about u and this song is boring sorryyyyyyyyy,, the only good part is the mmm mm mm m m mmm m m OHH AND THE 'all those other girlssss yeah theyre beautiful / but would they write a song for you?? HA'

im not putting if this was a movie on here bc that is NOT A FEARLESS SONG. ITS A SPEAK NOW GIRLIE IDC. TAYLOR CANT GASLIGHT ME

[sacredprayerdean]

💕 happy anniversary to these two lovers 💕

can i go where you go? can we always be this strong?

[angelicbrokenburd]

Rules for Moblie: Under Read More because long.

Disclaimer

I do not own the rights to Starscream, the Transformers franchise, it's characters or it's lore. The rights belong to the lovely people at Hasbro. However: My portayal, headcanons and the such are my own! I also create my own icons and graphics (banners for pages, post and such) and ask you to DO NOT steal and claim them for your own.

Other Notes (idk what to call this part lol)

This blog is Completely headcanon based being there is no offical Transformers Prime Shattered Glass continuity. I take some inspration from the oringal G1 Shattered Glass comics but everything else is my own! While this blog is mostly Prime/Aligned, I may add/take some elements from a few other continuies such as G1, IDW and Animated.

Following

This is a side blog to @fatesyetunwritten, which plays as an OOC hub for the blogs connected to it. So obviously I cannot follow you with this blog but my main. Even though not necessary, I also recommend following my hub blog as well being that’s where most PSAs/OOC updates in regard to ALL my blogs will be posted. Personal blogs are free to follow, but I do ask you don’t comment/reblog/reply/etc to any IC threads or post. Same implies to post that say ”//DO NOT REBLOG” or -DO NOT REBLOG-” in the thread/tags. If any of these rules are broken I will block you! I won't even give you a second chance, you're out! If you are a personal and do have a sideblog, PLEASE contact me telling me so. I’m more than likely not going to know otherwise unless I followed you first and it’s noted. My IM/askbox is always open. If you need to contact me in anyway and (if we are mutuals) want to plot/scream about our muses/just talk/etc. Don’t feel shy to approach me. I love talking and meeting new friends.

Guidelines

I am selective and will only roleplay with mutuals. Just because you follow me doesn’t guarantee that I will back. I often look at the muse, content and mun beforehand before making up my decision in doing so. Do not force/guilt trip me into following you!! Putting aside it’s rude and selfish to do so, YOU WILL BE BLOCKED WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT!! Muse doesn't equal Mun and vice versa. This should be obvious but sometimes people do confuse fantasy and reality. Please don't confuse the two. No Godmodding! This is standard fare I don’t think I have to elaborate more on that. If possible Please trim your post. I won’t get up on anyone's case about it if you don’t, but it’s considerute to do so. Keeps the dash clean. Also transfer ask to a new thread if you wish to contiune it. Same reasons as above: Keeps things clean and orgainzed. Don’t worry about formatting/using icons in your post! Just because I like to time to time doesn’t mean you have to follow suit. Write in whatever style that works for you. All I ask is that you use proper grammar and spelling, or at least enough for me to read your writing. I’m not perfect neither so don’t sweat it if you make a typo there and there.

Shipping and Relationships

Let’s get this out of the way:I’m a shameless shipping whore! I love shipping and building relationships. But I won't just jump onboard to a ship however Like most relationships, there needs to be Chemistry. If the two clash off each other well, we can discuss things further. Each ship (unless said otherwise) has it's own verse and not overlap with other ships... This doesn't just imply to romanatic ships! Friendships, kinships, hateships, YA name it!. As I said, I'm a ship whore. I’m also a fan of AUs! Give me some of those AUs bro!

Mature Content

Both me and my Muse are of age and won’t shy away from mature themes. All NSFW threads/ask/etc will be tagged as such, along with any triggers that need tagging. In worst cases, like a hard R (which is rare), I will put everything under a read more flither. Themes include, but not limited to: Violence, blood or/and gore, alcohol and drug use, depression/PTSD, abuse and (maybe?) sexual themes. I will also likely The only things I will not roleplay are anything to do with rape, sexual assault, pedophila and/or incest. I'm open to roleplaying smut but I will be extreamly selective on who I write with. I have to feel comfortable with the mun plus likely already have to have an establish ship going. I will, by no circumstance, roleplay sumt with minors!! NO ITS, NO BUTS! If I learn you are lying about your age, consider yourselfPermanently blocked with all threads deleted.

Who I’ll Interact With

Well, obviously I will roleplay with other Transformers characters, (Not limited to just Prime). I’ll roleplay with just about almost all fandoms. I am a bit more selective over fandoms I'm not too familiar with but that doesn't always mean my doors aren't closed to them neither. To put it simple: If a muse interests me, I'm more than likely on board. What is always the case however is that I will not, and I do mean WILL NOT roleplay with muses base off Youtube Let’s Players or any real life people WHAT SO EVER!! Sorry, I’m sure a good share of you are fantastic people, but it’s something I am simply against mortality. I’m open to roleplaying with OCs both fandom base and/or fandomless, but again, I’m still selective. I always check out the mun’s page before following and if I don’t see a bio for your OC, I will simply not follow. I can't interact with a character I know nothing about. Really, a good indication that I want to interact with you is if I follow you, either before or after you do.

The Mun

Name: Jessie/Sweets Birthdate:August 2nd, 1989 Hello loves~ So...about myself: I love to write if it wasn’t obvious yet, but some of my other hobbies include but not limited to: Drawing, video games, comics, animation. The general geek crap. I like to believe I'm a down to earth and chill person to hang with so don’t feel shy to start a conversation with me outside of our general roleplay affair. For OOC post, Doctor Nefarious from Ratchet and Clank and/or Wander from Wander Over Yonder as faceclaims but more incline to use the former. Things to keep note of: I am diagnosed on the Autism Spectrum. This can at times affect my abilities to socialize and communicate normality and at times even makes it hard to pick up cues if not direct enough. Miscommunication could happen and if I misinterpreted/stepped over the line/did something uncalled for that I’m unaware of; You shouldn’t fear about addressing the issue to me privately. I don’t do things on purpose. Most people don’t. And more than half the time, these problems can be addressed by talking it out. Communication and understanding is key to be a successful roleplay partner. The last thing I want is to make my friends unconformably and treat them with respect and I expect the same! I also suffer from depression and anxiety and can affect my mood, as well as my will to interact/socialize that day and may even not want to be bothered. This never has anything to do with the other Mun, this is me and Me alone! My mental health comes first after all and I’m sure you all can respect that and vice versa. Roleplaying is a hobby for me, not a job. I go at my own pace. With my mental health addressed; it can play into how active I am. Some days I can write replies/threads like no ones business, others I can be sluggish and not want to do anything. Do not pester me for replies! They’ll come when they come. Thankfully, I don’t have many triggers. Nothing that I can’t blacklist anyways. I always make sure to read the Mun’s rules but if there's anything you need me to tag that I may have glace over, don’t feel shy to speak up about it.

[kpop-rambles]

Goodbye 2019. Hello 2020.

To celebrate the new year - which a lot of people are celebrating right now, I’m sure, unfortunately not me yet - I decided to create this post. I don’t know how to explain it but if you like kpop, keep reading!

My Top 3 Songs of 2019

1. SKZ - Miroh

This song got me into my now ult group, Stray Kids. Those 9 boys have honestly made this year 10x better for me. Chan’s VLives definitely helped me when I was upset, and the members made me feel emotions by their side. I’m so glad that add of Miroh appeared and I chose to watch it because I may have not gotten into Stray Kids without it. 

2. ATEEZ - Wave

Again, another song that got me into the group. I heard the song in a video where they played huge jenga at Kcon... I think? Anyways, this song is another banger and you completely fall in love with it first listen. You won’t regret listening to this.

3. TWICE - Fancy

I got into TWICE when they released YES OR YES, but FANCY is the song that you can’t not fall in love with. I did on my 2nd listen and man, if you’re saying you didn’t learn the dance and bopped to this song, you are LYING because- let’s be honest - everyone said FANCY SOTY. 

Groups I began stanning in 2019 its felt like forever tho

Stray Kids - March 26th. You think I would forget? 

ATEEZ - August 18th. Another date I remember, because I spent a good 2 hours getting to memorize the members name and faces. Was so happy when I finally did it. 

iKON - Honestly, I was more of a Double B stan since January until Hanbin left. I loved their songs but I never got to know the rest of the members, except for Jinhwan. 

ChungHa - Snapping dragged me in. That’s all I gotta say. Although, ngl, Gotta Go was something I always tried to dance to. 

KARD - Again, Bomb Bomb just pulled me into the fandom. The rest of their discography made me stay. I sang along to Bomb Bomb everyday for a good 3 months. It was honestly EVERYTHING to me and then Dumb Litty came and stole my heart and KARD did it AGAIN.

Mamamoo - gogobebe. Do I really need to say anything else?

GOT7 - I’m pretty sure I got into them because, well everyone knows GOT7. They’re a name everyone knows if you like kpop, so I just wanted to get into them. Eclipse and You Calling My Name are songs I’ll dance and singalong to in the right mood and right part of the song. But their personalities dragged me in. I’m pretty sure BamBam also attracted me when he was on Stray Kids reality show. 

Day6 - Time Of Our Life. I decided to listen to it because Seungmin of Stray Kids was a big fan of them and I was like, it shouldn’t hurt to try. Seungmin made me want to watch and Day6 made me want to stay. They don’t make ANY bad songs. 

Everglow - March 18. Listened to Bon Bon Chocolat when it came out, and I was honestly scared ppl were gonna sleep on them cause ITZY debuted a month before. Fortunately, everyone noticed their talent. 

BigBang - I dunno just listened to one of their songs. And, of course, I fell in love. Too late to stan them while they were active, but I’m expecting something in 2020... just saaying.

NCT - All of the subunits. Honestly there were so many of them, I spent time taking tests to tell them apart. The struggle to stan these boys. Instantly fell in with the Dreamies. And then I found out they weren’t a fixed unit... My heart shattered. It’s still breaking because 4 OF THEM ARE LEAVING. or left. I dunno. 

Tomorrow by Together - They were probably the most anticipated group of this year. I remember ppl hyping them up in October of 2018! Predebut stan right here. (I just remembered that I thought the preview of each member was coming out in age order and thinking that Beomgyu was the youngest. And I was just like WHERE IS HEUNINGKAI FROM?!?!)

ITZY - remember when everyone thought that itzy’s debut was rushed because info about them was leaked. yeah, i forgot too. anyways, again I was a predebut stan. 

(G)- idle - i always listened to their title tracks and I began stanning them during Queendom after their Fire cover im listening to 2ne1 2015 mama fire performance rn lol.... omg bom’s han cover just started playing. spotify is watching me guys.

Somi - Birthday was a bop. fight me. outfits sucked, gotta agree with that opinion I didn’t rlly know much about IOI but I started stanning because Jenchu were fangirling to it i mean jennie twerked for it!

Jimin Park - I’m out here still streaming STAY BEAUTIFUL. honestly she’s so loveable. her personality and her voice are everything. how can you not like her

My Top 5 Groups of the Year

1. STRAY KIDS - A lot of the reasons I luv them are the same as ATEEZ. That’s why ateez are close to being my number one, but honestly these 9 boys are everything to me. 9 or NONE FOREVER. They have been through so much this year and I hope they STAY strong for 2020. In their 2020 seasons greeting they announced a full album next year, so I’m ready to follow these boys on their journey no matter how many stay or leave. I’m a STAY for a reason. 

2. ATEEZ - PERSONALITY. I’m also a sucker for groups that shove their love for each other in your face. 8 makes 1 team, y’know? Hongjoong and Mingi are amazing rappers, Jongho, Wooyoung and San’s vocals tho, Yunho and Seonghwa’s deep voices are the death of me, and Yeosang dancing. They’re talented and luvable and that’s all I need for an ult group. also all their songs are bops

3. Mamamoo - Honestly would’ve tied with Twice but these I’m a sucker for them as ppl as well, and I need that to luv a group. they ain’t fake, they slap information in your face and they are POWERFUL WOMAN. (Not saying twice aren’t ofcourse) And these girls vocals are on POINT. Moonbyul is rapper material, but have you heard the girl song? What an angel. Their songs are all slaps, especially the most recent ones. 

4. TWICE - This was their year? yes or yes. Fancy soty. Feel Special was a great title track, don’t get me wrong, bUT HAVE YOU HEARD THE FULL ALBUM. Every song is my AMAZING. omg rainbow is playing

5. NCT DREAM - These boys stole my heart, I only stanned nct because of them. Honestly seeing the 00 line leave breaks my heart.

My Top 5 girl group and boy group songs

gg songs were honestly so hard to pick, they thrived and SO many good songs were made in 2019. But here is my list. 

1. Fancy - soty

2. Hip - this song was everything from the choreo to the song itself to the girls energy performing it

3. Psycho - came out like last week but it’s in everyone's top 10 of this year. Beautiful song that won’t get outta my head. getwellsoonwendy.

4.Violeta - this is another song that won’t get out of my head. honestly none of these songs will. ok so the final dance part after the drop of violeta pisses me off because the dance could is so powerful and that part comes and it’s such a disappointment but it’s the only part I can do so i shouldn't complain  but the song itself is very catchy. I don’t want these girls to disband even if the votes were rigged because they make a good group and sing bangers. i don't want them to leeeave.

5.Lion - the song is just so powerful. other songs they’ve made are good, but the chorus is usually a disappointment because the pre chorus is so good but EVERYTHING is great about Lion. Didn’t like it at first for some reason, i dunno why, but once you give it a few more listens you’ll fall in love. 

Now onto the boy groups. They made quite a few bangers this year as well.

1. Miroh - It’s my no.1 of the year. watchu expect?

2. Wave - and this is my no.2. Again, what else would I put here?

3. Run Away - what. a. bop. still can’t get out of my head. Crown was a disappointment to me after 1000 listens but not Run Away. A bonus is the Harry Potter references. With that I just was head over heels in love. Txt didn’t fail to disappoint with their comeback even if it was pushed back. 

4. Boom - This song made me fall in love with the talent that NCT DREAM holds despite being so young. Sang along for a few months. Actually, it’s still in my head. 

5. Make It Right - I was doing title tracks for all these but then I realised there has to be an exception because I just really like this song, especially the one featuring Lauv. Boy with luv wasn’t it for me but every other song on Persona is a straight up masterpiece (ok an exaggeration but u get what i mean)

Now onto the soloists (they’re all female, sry not sry)

1. Chica - I was debating whether to put Snapping or this but decided with Chica. Honestly the vocals, the song, the dance, the MESSAGE, is everything. I love it, it empowers woman, it makes ME feel good, and it’s what some people really need sometimes. So, thank you ChungHa. 

2. Gotta Go - another bop by our queen ChungHa, she really ruled this year. I didn’t stan her when it came out but that doesn’t mean I didn’t do the ‘deulshi’ part whenever I heard it. iconic.

3. Twit - Again another iconic bop from this year. (i thought this masterpiece came out last year, i dunno why but it just is so 2018 for some reason? I dunno) Hwasa’s solo debut really was everything. So was Moonbyul’s which unfortunately didn't make it on the list but I would say it’s in between 5th to 7th for me. 

4. Stay Beautiful - Such a beautiful song, it was a shame Jamie had to leave but she left JYP saying that they lost smth PRECIOUS and they would regret it and she conveyed all that in one song without hinting at it. So many quote worthy lyrics were in the song and it just bring up my mood and my standard for vocals. Don’t sleep on this girl, y’all. 

5. Birthday - the song brought out mixed reactions from everyone but i LOVED IT. It did get a bit old but it’s still something you’ll find me singing along to every now and then. 

ARTISTS THAT STOOD OUT TO ME THIS YEAR 

1. Bang Chan of Stray Kids. I love him. He’s such a great leader, he’s a loveable person, he’s all rounded and he fucks up sometimes but he acknowledges it and fixes it. He went through so much shit this year and he deserves so much more. I, along with many other STAYs are gonna make 2020 a better year for him and all of his group. Stay strong Chan! But besides his personality his stage presence, his rapping, his singing, his producing, his energy, his personality, it all made him someone who was always on my mind. 

2. Yeonjun of Tomorrow x Together. He’s also very well rounded and he really stands out to me from all the other 4th gens. Whenever I see a performance by TXT he always grabs my attention even when he’s not the main focus. I love his dancing, it’s very eye catching to me, along with his stage presence. He never loses his energy on stage and I expect a lot from him in 2020! His rapping and singing are amazing as well, especially for a rookie. Also when they first debuted he cried a lot, which was very heartwarming to me because idols showing emotion other than happy is something I appreciate, because it lets me remember they’re human too.

3. Seulgi of Red Velvet. She’s, again, very well rounded. I’m not really a Reveluv, but Wendy and Seulgi are vocalists who really stand out to me so those to kind of make me want to listen to Red Velvet’s songs. She’s an amazing vocalist, like words can’t express how much a love this woman's voice. Her stage presence is amazing as well, she’s just a really good performer imo.

4. Jihyo and Nayeon of TWICE. First of all I really like their personality and how powerful they are. Honestly a wink from them and I’m falling of my chair. Secondly, I don’t know if anyone's noticed but I really like powerful female vocals, and these two have extremely POWERFUL vocals. Have you heard them sing? Just... POWERFUL, that’s all I can really say to describe their voices. 

5. Mingi and Hongjoong of ATEEZ. They are rapper that are gonna blow away the whole industry with 3racha, I mean they already have. Did y’all see their performance in MAMA. The RAWEST vocals I heard that whole show. They were obviously not lip syncing, you could hear Mingi panting and he didn’t rap a whole line, and I LOVE that because it is RAW and we need more raw vocals or atleast breaths heard when the artists are dancing because it makes the performance more REAL. also stage presence is amazing from these two, they really know how to hype up a crowd. 

ROOKIE GROUPS I EXPECT A LOT FROM NEXT YEAR

sorry my expectations are high for them, but they have stood out tome so much and i couldn’t stand to see them flop. 

1. TOMORROW X TOGETHER - they’ve been on this list quite a lot, and I really appreciate their individual talents along with them as a group. I REALLY want to see them improve and grow more next year because they were really pushed this year, being BTS’s juniors. I’m sure they were really stressed but I want them to become TOMORROW BY TOGETHER not BTS’s juniors. Probably won’t happen in a year but hopefully in the next decade.

2. ITZY - another group really known for theing the juniors of TWICE this time. The title tracks they released so far have all been listen to it the first time, you don;t like it, but listen to it the 2nd time and it’s stuck in your head for the next 7 months. Honestly if they keep going like this, it would be like a ITZY thing, and I honestly wouldn’t mind. 

3. EVERGLOW - i think everyone just saw bon bon chocolat, gave it a listen, and loved it. but i also heard it was produced by someone who helped produce Crown by TXT and Spring Day by BTS, so there’s another reason ppl may have liked it so much. Adios wasn’t a disappointment at all.  Of course, I would also love it if Everglow kept up the “nanana” thing in each of their title tracks.

4. ATEEZ - I don’t think they’ll flop at all next year. I know they just had their 1st year anniversary, but I wouldn’t mind a full album... either way, Imma stick with them because they’ve only released that good shit so far and I’m honestly expecting a somewhat mediocre song at least once in their career next year. Not expecting it though. 

5. ONEUS - I haven’t’t talked about them yet but all of oneus’s title tracks are absolute gold. I am a mess for Valkyrie, Twilight AND Lit. They’re all just AMAZING songs. I mean, what did we expect from Mamamoo’s juniors but. They are REALLY good. Just go listen to all their title tracks rn. 

And finally, wishes for 2020

- Of course, Wendy to recover after her tragic incident at SBS. Again, I hope she recovers well

- Mina to come back from her hiatus, only if she’s ready to, of course

- BLACKPINK FULL ALBUM. ROSE SOLO. PLEASE.

- Of course, 4th gen to thrive along with 3rd gen and 2nd gen groups

- A full album from stray kids (which was confirmed) and again, maybe for ATEEZ? just maybe? 

- More attention for Mamamoo. They are underrated queens. 

- Less hate for Tomorrow By Together. People bash them just because they’re BTS’s juniors. they would be praised a less but definitely not doubted way more if they weren’t under Bighit. Yeah, they get luxuries other groups won’t but that doesn’t mean people should degrade them for it. 

And with that

I wish everyone a Happy New Year. May your next decade be filled with happiness and joy! omg fancy started playing

also i didn’t have time to properly edit this. then again i am a rambling blog, so what are you expecting?

[istheresomebodywhocanimagine]

hi i saw this on @fruityfreddie​‘s blog (bless bri’s heart) and wanted to do it so i could take a mental break from writing this joe smut (it is.... overwhelming rn) so here u go

A - age: 19 (my fake id says 21 tho lmao)

B - birthplace: buttfuck egypt, iowa (yee yee boys)

C - current time: 8:15ish pm

D - drink you last had: topsy’s cherry limeade 

E - easiest person to talk to: my bff since 7th grade and our friend from D.C. they’re literally my ppl i love them so much even if we are wildly different ppl

F - favorite song: rocky mountain way by joe walsh/the eagles depending on who you are (six blade knife by dire straits is a v close second)

G - grossest memory: i was on winter break in cancun just this past december with my cousins and some friends and in the middle of the night my cousin literally started throwing up in the resort room’s bathroom and while she was throwing up all of the tequila she shit herself through her WHITE pajama shorts. iconic moment truly but disgusting the picture of it still haunts me. side note: at the resort i very drunk-ly karaoked we are the champions and made friends with a girl who karaoked dont stop me now so the power of queen is truly almighty

H - horror yes or horror no: as long as it has a good plot yet. horror for the sake of horror like all that jigsaw shit is STOOPID imo

I - in love: nope just livin life for me

J - jealous of people: only jealous of anita dobson and that is that

K - is there no k???? alrighty then i’m adding “kryptonite” (your biggest weakness): champagne, curly hair (ugh i’d give it all up for mark ruffalo), and cats

L - love at first sight or should i walk by again: i’m actually pretty sure i’m allergic to falling in love because i’ve been told i’m a detached person unless i rlly know someone so like.... your feet might fall off before i actually fall in love w u

M - middle name: renee

N - number of siblings: two (a younger brother and an older sister)

O - one wish: i rlly wanna be able to secure my ideal position in the field i’m currently studying (Social Media Management) so for me that would be like... managing the social media of an actor, musician, or someone in the fine arts side of things. hehe

P - person you last called: my brother bc we passed each other on the road and he had his new gf with him and i wanted to meet her

Q - question you’re always asked: are you adopted? bc the rest of my family has brown hair, and 3/4 of the rest of my family has brown eyes, dark skin, and curly hair. now tell me how tf this fits in with any of that:

R - reading anything right now?: Four Days In November by Vincent Bugliosi (its about the kennedy assassination and its RLLY good i bought it when i visited dallas by myself last summer)

S - song you last sang: Sedona by Houndmouth hehe

T - time you woke up: 8:30 am bc college has literally made it so my body is up at 8:30 every day no matter how late i went to bed

U - underwear color: purple hehe they’re not cute i’m about to start my period so i’m preparing for the worst 

V - vacation destination: if we’re talkin where am i going on vacation next, no effing clue. i’m pretty much working all summer but I’m going to see The Struts in July and Queen + Adam in august so thats kinda a vacay??? but if its my ideal vaca destination then Southern Germany for sure

W - when was the last time you really laughed: this morning bc i took a video of me sneezing and then started crying bc it was so funny i wish yall could see it im fucking hilarious

X - x-rays: im genuinely lucky that i’ve never had to have xrays besides my FUCKED UP TEETH but i had braces way back in elementary so its been a big ol minute 

Y - your favorite food: honestly? creamy teriyaki cajun sauce on a penne pasta and if i feel like eating meat (a usually rare occasion) a lil chicken in there. slaps so fucking hard yall (meat makes my shtummy hurt)

Z - zodiac sign: Cancer (dont roast me i match with brian may we are one)

also i tag any of yall that wanna do it ugh the original rules are to tag 10 ppl and i dont even know 10 ppl on here im intimidated by everyone

[blackrosesfanfic]

Chapter 183

Trey

"For you." Kevin says sitting a girl on my lap.

I look at her face. "What is this?"

"Everybody needs a bad bitch on their lap."

"Everybody needs these 2 ounce shots!"

I take the shot and turn it up. I forgot this guy’s name but he fills my glass back up talking about waiting for the group. I start coughing like all shit broke loose. This bitch wouldn't move off of my lap. I push her off me sitting up. Shit that liquor made my fucking cough worse.

"Damn, bitch breath. Get him some water."

"Trey can't take a shot of Goose. I started light."

I take a deep breath as I take the water bottle. My chest hurts like hell. That liquor lit my insides on fire. Shit. I sip on the water. It helps a bit. Enough for me to sit back. The girl attempts to sit back on my lap. I got 2 seconds worth of sense and stand her up straight.

"Vodka and bitches sitting on my lap. Nope." I say sitting up. "What the fuck you trying to do to me?"

"Help you enjoy life." Kevin says.

I shake my head. "Help me get a damn divorce."

"Your wife not here."

"What's your name again? You know my wife?"

He shrugs. "Know her personally? Naw."

I sip on the water bottle. "I wanted to make sure everybody understood. But I just got to tell you and you take my word for it. My wife is a bad ass bitch and a smart one. I know she watching me through one of her minions. To know my wife is to love her. And that mean my ass get snitched on."

"You know his wife?" The guy asks the girl that was sitting on my lap.

"I met her a few times." she shrugs.

I stand up. "Fucking trouble. Just like Khloe K. Fucking bestfriends with my wife best friend. Bitches slick."

I walk over to the room where nobody was. They had me in the zone for a little while. I wasn't thinking about shit. I really need to reconstruct my circle of friends. Separate the single/never been faithful from the faithful, know the meaning of friend and fun.

"Wise man."

"Motherfucking Jackie Long." I say dapping him up.

"You know I would have sung like a fucking bird. Guess what I just saw Kim."

I scrunch up my face. "My wife not belie... Cammie not believing shit that comes from Kim Kardashian mouth."

"Kimberly Michelle."

"Oh. Oh hell. K. Michelle. You bitch."

He nods. "But you smart."

"Look even one better. I'm about to tell her where Im at. Beat your ass to that."

"Hey, Tremaine."

I look around the room. Everybody stops talking. I forgot I put my phone on the TV. I look up at the screen. Cammie's face was on it. How the fuck did I do that shit? How the fuck do I turn it off?

"What are you doing?" I ask her looking at the screen.

"What are you looking at?"

I smile. "Your face."

She scrunches up her face. "You not looking at your phone. You looking pass it, Tremaine."

"Stop using physics. I am looking at you."

"What are you doing with music playing in your background?" she says dancing to it a bit.

I look down at my phone trying to figure out how to take it off. She stops dancing watching me. I raise my eyebrows.

"Where Caden?"

"Right here breastfeeding." she says looking down.

"Let me see."

She giggles. "You wanna see him feeding? No. Why?"

I glance at the TV then at my phone. "How you dancing with your nipple in his mouth?"

"You act like I'm doing a lot. Plus these things don't move when I move. They go in the opposite direction." she starts laughing. "Caden showing his gums smiling at me like I'm trying to entertain him. He about to be sucking on that pacifier."

"Want me to help you get that off?" the girl says grabbing my phone.

I considered hitting the bitch for a split second. Why the hell would you do that? She hands the phone back to me walking away. Cammie had turned the camera away from her. She was showing me Lane on the floor sleep. Thank you, God.

"Why the fuck he on the floor?"

"Your son is fucking annoying. So he waits good until I'm in the middle of breastfeeding and he comes to me talking about hold me. I'm like wait a few minutes. He starts telling me no that he don't got time. He gonna sleep by himself. I tell him to go ahead. Thinking he left out I look behind me. This boy on the floor lying on his pillow blanket pet thing. I tell him to come to me he says no. Then he tells me to feed my ugly baby."

I laugh. "He didn't."

"Yes, he did. I tell him that he is my ugly baby too. He didn't like that."

"So you left him on the floor?"

She shrugs. "What am I supposed to do? Stop and go rock him to sleep?"

I shake my head. "Got the baby sleeping on the floor."

"His choice. You want me to stop feeding a hungry child to go pick up a sleepy one because he demands to be picked up? His ass is two."

I shrug. I lost this fight. "I mean."

"Where are you Tremaine?"

"Kevin's."

"Bye."

I frown. "What?"

She hangs up the phone. I spin around looking behind me. So into my conversation I didn't realize someone was standing behind me. I mean the unclassified creature is literally just standing there. To what do I owe the pleasure of your fucking company? I stand up. I'm fucking gone and this may be the last fucking time I hang with Kevin on his terms. Fucking bitch.

"Get the fuck away from me." I say jumping at the girl.

"Trey."

She falls back dramatically like I hit her. I ain't about to take no shit for something I didn't do. It's best that me and Cammie continue down the path of trust we are on. I don't feel as though she doesn't trust me. I like it that way. More than I can say about any relationship I’ve been in. I chuckle. But I was cheating then so...

"Fuck you." I say.

"Who?" Jackie asks. His ass was standing between me and the girl.

I turn and call Cammie as I'm walking away. "Why you hang up?"

"Why you calling suddenly?"

"I'm walking." I say then change to video. "Walking."

Cammie rolls her eyes. "Hey, Jackie."

I glance at him. He smiles all hard. "Cammie."

"Where are you leaving from?"

"Kevin's."

She rolls her eyes again. "Let me change Caden. Look at the sky or hang up."

  Chris

"Chicago? You never told me you were going to Chicago?" I snap.

"What's the problem with me going to Chicago? I can't deal with you right now. I'll call you back. Fucking with my vibe." Amber says hanging up.

I drop the phone from my hand. It makes a loud noise. I suck my teeth. The shit might be broke. Who gives a fuck? I'm tired of having to chase Amber around. She leaves shit out on purpose so I won't know her location. I think she is returning to LA but she going further East. Bullshit.

"I came this close to saying I could have fucked. You can't even know if you were actually gonna hit."

"She good at keeping niggas friends. Hell I don't remember the last time I saw her. She might be afraid that friend shield won't hold up. I'm telling you I done felt all over those curves. Cammie just a tease."

I turn around paying attention to their conversation. Like I was hearing it but I wasn't registering shit until now. August shakes his head.

"If she was my wife I would be showing that perfection off. Look at my wife bitches."

"He doing right to keep her away from me." August says. "I'm telling you what my goal is when I get the opportunity."

I stand up. "We really having this conversation? What the fuck?"

August looks at me. "We really having it. You never said anything."

"And I wouldn't."

"I know what you think about Cammie." August says nodding. "Let's not go backwards though. That was before... I mean when no one knew. Cause it was never before. Trey wasn't always around."

I nod. "Trey was there from the beginning. First day she danced for my concert. But fuck that. Stop fucking talking about that man wife like she not married."

"I'll be the side dude for the chance to satisfy my curiosity."

"Now is your chance. Trey in LA. She in Georgia alone. Go to Georgia." I say then pick up my phone. "I need to find out where my nigga at. Fuck is my problem?"

Trey doesn't answer the phone. I text him asking if he still in LA. This nigga texts me straight back. Damn how long has it been since I was around this nigga. I let myself get busy.

Trey: Yes

Me: Where at? I'm coming thru in an hour.

Trey: I'll let you know in an hour.

He sends me a video. It's my little nigga Caden. He is big as fuck. Damn, he rolls over as Cammie coaches him to get his pacifier. He can follow instructions? Shit how old is he? He moving around and shit. I sigh. I didn't mean to fucking stay away.

Me: He too big. Moving and shit

Me: Why the fuck you can't talk?

Trey: Fuck yourself

I chuckle turning back to the conversation. They weren't talking about Cammie anymore but they were still talking about females. I wonder how Trey would feel about someone saying the things they were saying about his wife. I don't know if it should be a conversation that we have or what.

"Cammie." I say answering the phone.

"No don't talk to me. Talk to Daddy." Lane says.

I chuckle. "What's good, Lane?"

"No."

"What's up?" Trey says. "Lane, tell Chris the story."

Lane babbles about something unrecognizable. I hope this ain't the fucking story he supposed to tell me about. Cammie yells in the background, also unrecognizable.

"I gonna tell Chris the story. Chris?"

"Yeah."

He sighs like he had something deep on his mind. "The man was walking down the street. You drive your car into he car. He car blow up to smoke. And you dance in the road."

"Why this story about me?" I laugh. "The man died?"

"He car died. He cry. You sing you song."

"Tell him what song, Lane." Cammie says.

Lane giggles. "I know what you not gone get it. I do fine for winess."

I laugh harder than I laughed in a while. He sitting up here sanging Grass ain't greener. I can't stop the laughing. I move the phone away from my ear so could stop hearing him sing it. He was chopping the song up like shit. That song with his story is straight hilarious. He funny as shit at 2. He fucking two and he talks better than JJ who 3.

"Why you know that story?"

"When I sleep. I don't know. You hit that car."

I chuckle. "Then I start singing and dancing in the street. You your daddy Lane."

Trey laughs. "You should be honored he dreaming about you."

"No... No. I not. I Lane. No Temaine."

"Aight little dude. Trey, where you at?"

"LA." Lane says.

Trey laughs. "I'm in LA, Lane? Fucking genius."

"Tell them bye so you can get in the tub. No, tell them bye." Cammie says. "Tell your daddy bye, Boy."

"Bye, Daddy. Bye, Uncle Chris."

"Bye, Big man." Trey says.

The phone hangs up. Man I'm on fucking cloud 9. Those people just light up my day. I wasn't even fucking sad. Beautiful ass family. I'm fucking jealous as shit. I got to get the court involved to see my fucking beautiful ass short daughter. They just coexist. Make it smoother to not see my daughter like I want thinking about them. I call Amber.

"I'm sorry. You accept my apology?"

"I don't know, Curtis."

I fake a cry. "Please, Diane."

She sucks her teeth. "I'm on my way to the happy house. I lied."

"The fuck?"

"Okay, so you were all like spend time with me spend time with me and these bitches dancing in the studio and shit. Making me jealous with twin outfits and shit. I miss that. I want to be in that. So I lied. You been drama lately."

I sigh. "Well, I forgive you. I'm probably coming to Atlanta with Trey."

"Good. I got a song Imma get Cammie to sang so you can hear it."

"Get Cammie... I forgot she sings. Why her?"

"I need two people."

"Oh."

She blows. "Damn, I'm glad thats off my chest. Talk to you when you get here."

"Wait you in Atlanta already?"

"About an hour. I'm doing some Atlanta weather shopping."

I start to get mad but I think about Lane. "Get Lane to tell you the story about me. It's better when he tells it."

"I can't wait to get my hands on Caden. Oh my gosh my ovaries start fluttering and shit when I see the pictures Cammie sends me."

"About that. I want a baby I don't have to fight over. One I can make a family with."

"Tell my gotdamn body that, Christopher."

I stop walking realizing that I had walked outside of the studio. I look around. Fucking dumbass I am. Roaming around this side of town like I'm a normal shithead. I turn around walking back to the studio. Glad people ignoring me.

"I will be sure to tell your body."

"I'm going to go buy matching outfits for Lane and the crew."

"Lane and the diaper gang."

She giggles. "It's been a minute."

"Aye, I love you."

"What did you say?"

"I love you."

She goes silent for a few seconds. "Sorry a little fan. I love you too, I guess. Yeah, I will say that."

"You must be talking to your fan."

"You Christina."

I sit down then stand up. "What the hell was I doing?"

"Listening to a sample with August and Rod. Let me answer this call. I'll be right back."

"Call me back. I ain't waiting on hold."

She hangs the phone up.

[threenorth]

Another long triggering vent probably....

I didn't want to you in while i was uncertain about the night that reminded me of the past i thought i accepted but then the rush of all of it at once...I couldn't see any professionals we have 3000 for 5 million people yeahhh.... Not good ..... Link

I wanted to know i was thinking about you.

I told you to ignore me because i was worried about something else might trigger me.

Ah yes not being able to leave the house, that would do it.

They told me to wait... 4 long months And by august my brain had decided it was going to implode from not being able to do anything.

And multiple calls to see a psychologist to maybe get meds and that might only happen in another month.

Damn it.

I was told to write so I wrote in all the wrong places.

My cynical psychologist might be happy I'm feeling again but now i can feel i don't want to feel like this...

Uncertainty. Doubt. Axeinty. Panic attacks.

I hope i get relief soon...i need something my brain lacks...

You once said it has to get worse, i hope you know this is my worse days in a very long time because after that i just numbed myself to stop feeling the sounds and the lights and even my autism diagosis put me into a sprial.

Everything hurts now and the worst part when i need your words to help me it's a wall, i hope you remember that i care for you so i know as you suffer now because of me i never wanted any of this i wanted to start my process and I wanted you to see my journey because i owe you that... But now my next bus is boarding...

I'm not going to lie your in my heart and mind.

I can't reach out again because what you say but if you want back in my life my door is open 24/7 but you might have to get use to me not being able to talk for awhile i said now that i can talk i can't say the things i want to, i need time to write them out and think about them...

I don't know, when we use yo talk that was great now it's just a fucking shit fest featuring my mess.

I would help you out but now i can't even do that right.

I'll make some videos on my WTPv7 about my meds, before i go to sleep tonight i wanted to send you $300 to help towards your bills but now your think im guilt tripping, i said i want what's best for you. I said beaches because you can come here and i could pay your debt off then focus on mine and all these over things circling around but you wouldn't of known i had thought about everything including my medical insurance that you would get... Life is different but i can give you a life like i imagined but now as my friends say i must be "a selfish cunt" now.

When we focus on ourselfs... I had planned a few different things but you wouldn't know that each path I've planned out and now must remediate on.

When you come into my dreams tonight to plant your flowers please make sure you get my memory that your looking for, I've seen a few of yours and I couldn't wakeup from them.

Send me your pain i ate it once and I'll still eat it even if it puts me more in risk, i would eat your grey everyday to make sure that you lived, now i must eat my breakfast but if you can't stop thinking about it write it down and send it to me.

I once said I'd read every message I would but now i can't go back to support you how i would spend my birthday money to help you.

I don't care about money what i care most about is you... Even in my darkest hours i still think about your safety.. And that's the worst part of me right now...

Especially when you say your words, but you can't believe mine... I wish you could see my letters.

I wish many things but i don't want to unwish meeting you or any of that because that would be terrible, but i would redo everything again i say but maybe if i had to id tell you sooner about things that i knew might of ruined out freindship but i told myself i could never tell you.

But i gave you my phone because you asked i .. I tried to protect you from my demons but if you ask me i would give you it,can't you see that.. I didn't ask for yours because i didn't need to know anything but you i would answer anything.

You think i didn't make compromises for you.

I made a few but you wouldn't of known.

I made rules about not talking about touchy subjects but somedays you really fired me up when you said hurtful things not knowing how hurtful they were...

I said not to ask about your past but I'm glad told me about it.

I told myself if i have to tell you all the times i was laughed at for being stupid and it makes you smile even if it hurts me to tell you the story i would.

Maybe now your see that i was all of yours.

You gave me your grey it was eaten.

I gave you my painful memories and you laugh at them but it was nice to see you smile.

I didn't want to ask you about anything related to your other truma so I couldn't ask if you liked kissee or what because i was afraid i wouldn't be able to help you.

Everything i did was to be my best even if some habits started that i wish i never begun...

You called me troubled but you don't know how troubled I've been.. Let alone you probably just found out some of my learning disabilities this year let alone I don't know if you knew i was autisc but i think you knew.

I miss you more than you ever would know i say but i think you too miss me but now I'm never going to able to find someone like you I've tried I'm getting older and i can't wait any longer to tell you how I've felt.

And I'm glad you remembered every key date but you once asked me why i don't talk about things this is why.

You chip away a flake and you might get the landslide... That's on me.

My new beginning has started again.

My transformation is going to an interesting one.

But if you do reach out I'm not one for lying so i might suggest taking it slow but if you want it fast I'll warn you... Please don't bring up my eyes.

I don't want to know... What they really mean yet.

Just throw me aside at the roadside.

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

Is it weird that I watch gay porn with straight guys fucking each other and gay transmen getting fucked too?

It's like when I watch a guy with a big, plump white or black ass, with some oil and hair on top of it....

I lowkey start thinking about fucking his ass too?

I lowkey find it strange, but then again I'm pan...

Asses look good on anyone. Even though I would never admit some objectifying shit like that in person.

It's like I immerse my clit as the dick that's getting sucked and fucked on.

Then I cancel out after I cum 🤣😇🥲

Lol like wtfff is wrong with me guys? I mean there are guys who like to get pegged, so I wonder do these women who strap on guys, think about the same thing that I do....

I feel really guilty because I keep saying idk if I'm ready to try dating another bisexual guy or another transman because of me getting heart broken by one.

But I still miss em' despite everything. It's just on and off, I hate you, I miss you....just like our relationship....

It was hot and cold with those 2 toxic mfs.😕

I just wanna have my chance to dominate a guy and get fucked rough and deep. Man or Woman and everyone else under the rainbow too.

I know most pansexuals will say that they don't have a gender preference, but I'm slowly starting to see where my eye keeps getting drawn to the most. And I think it has something to do with the people I messed with already.

I still miss them and maybe I shouldn't overthink it.

But it is disturbing how I keep swiping right on white guys and girls or even mixed chicks that look like Jay either as their nonbinary stage with light brown curly hair Upton, or their pre-trans stage with long curly hair or straight hair. It's the big cat nose, the eyes, the Eyebrows, the glasses, and of course the jawline and the lips, and the strong lip Bridge, all with a soft face, chubby, and the soft white skin and ass.

It's not that many out there that remind me of them, but I've talked to a few smart asses, just like them, that was a pretty close call for me. Cause Jay was pretty. I just want to keep all the good qualities about them, and take out all the bad, the mental trauma, the abusive behavior, and just have a nicer, quiet, less selfish version of Jay who actually smiles and not mean and cranky all the time.

I did match with one who's name was Ryan. And he had the soft round face, light brown curly hair, and the nose, and the lips. I was so freaking close we just clicked right off the bat and had sexted each other on snap. We were so freaking horny and excited. He was really enamored with my boobs in my bikini pic so I sent him those and he kept sending me his luscious pink dick. I haven't had real dick in a longgggg time like not since 2020, it was my ex, and I gave him head.

I still like strap.on too. Don't get me wrong.

But anywho Ryan's Canadian kept saying he wanted to come to America once the border opened back up to take me out to dinner and I said yeaaa I would so be into.fucking you in the bathroom, cause I love public sex. And this was before we started. I made sure to ask are you really coming or is this an online setting thing?

He said no, I really wanna give you this white dick in your mouth.

So I was even more turned on. We kept going snapping pictures. He wanted ass and titty pics. And then he sends me stuff of his dick getting harder and harder which I liked. He said he was 7 in....holy fuck. Wayyyy bigger than my ex Terrell.

But then when I sent ooh I want it on my clit, he stops answering after his last message was oh you want me to rub your clit. And then he goes I came so hard.

He left, yall....while I was still masturbating to this Wigga wtffff?

I even sent a question mark ❓like hellooo selfish ass what about me????

I check back on my phone and the snap I sent was still on delivered and it was 2hrs ago...

I see he posted a story...

I OPEN IT TO SEE HIM POST A VIDEO OF HIS FREAKING CAT JUST POSING ON HIS BED

AND THIS WAS ONE HOUR AFTER I SENT HIM MINE SHIT...

LIKE WOWWWW I HATE BEING PLAYED AND I HATE BEING IGNORED ESPECIALLY WHEN IM BUTTASS NAKED WAITING ON YOU TO TELL ME TO POKE IT OUT FOR DADDY MORE WTFFFFFFFFFFF

Rude ass, inconsiderate bitch.

So you know what, I checked to see when the Canadian border opens back up, it said August 8th.

BITCH THEY ALREADY OPENNN WITH YO LYING ASS!!! WHY EVEN LIE TO SAY YOU COMING???

WE COULD HAVE JUST HAD PHONE SEXXXX

Last message he got from me before I unfriended him on snap right after I saw red flag 1, ignoring me to post a cat video....#2 Canada border actually is open..

I said "Fine, I understand. I'll unadd you."

That's so.fucking selfish, I helped you cum, so help me finish idiot! That's exactly the shit I won't tolerate no more. Waiting on bitches to text me back when it's obvious they don't care, trying to be ms. Nice girl and give him 3 days....nooooooo

I ain't falling for that shit no more. I'm glad I unmatched his ass too right after.

Pissed me the fuck off, I started having flashbacks of when Jay and Terrell did that shit to me, ignoring texts and pushing me away, not giving a fuck about plans we both already agreed to. Blowing me off like I'm the idiot, I'm the sweet child that will always love them no matter how rude, impulsive, and impossibly disrespectful they were.

The 1st time I had phone sex with Jay, Jay cums and then I said what about me? Jay goes "just take a cold shower. I don't care if you cum"

I was so mortified at how cold, rude, selfish and disrespectful Jay was. Jay said the only person they care about Cumming is Ayunna. And this was wayyy earlier on before they actually did start caring if I came or not...but still that's shitty and poor etiquette.

Just like the real shitty version of Jay. That frugal McDooggle used me and lied to me.

He didn't give a fuck just like they didn't. It made me cry a little cause I was really looking forward to some dick with somebody that at least was chubby, white, and soft like Jay. And he had blue light eyes. I still like Jay's sandy brown eyes tho.

It just sucked....and yea you really shouldn't expect respect from an internet hoe like Ryan.

Kiss my ass Ryan, you'll never taste this ass and titties.

These H's are mine I tell you! Fuck yoooooouuuu.

I will admit, there was this girl by the name of KC, she doesn't seem as interested, but we talked on snap after matching on okc. She likes to read Stephen King books. So I asked her what are you reading now, cause I like smart girls like that. She said it's called The Stand. Talking about a virus that infects the world. It was nice to read that 1st chapter and connect with the character, Stu, who dealt with grief from his wife and mom who both had cancer. I started thinking about Grandma alot tho 😔 in not the most happy sense. The scene felt dark like as if more is to come.

I wonder did Stephen King lose somebody to cancer or was he feeling sick himself. It's got 56 chapters and I did say I would try reading it more. Thank God they had the 1st part of the book on Google preview.

I'm the type to dive in when I meet someone new. I like figuring them out. But so far, I noticed she hasn't texted me back with questions and stuff as much so she's really dry and probably still not sure what she wants rn...she said she's just going with the flow but I think it's a sign she's lonely but wants to see what's outside 1st before she leaves the safety of her world.

She works in retail too at a grocery store. So we connected a bit on that too. It's weird when I'm the more talkative one asking all the questions....thats not a good sign. Ppl who are interested in you, ask you stuff they wanna know too. And I did step back to give her chances to step in....so yea imma keep looking on tinder and okc.

[happinesss-bliss-blog]

A Journey.

This isn’t the least bit of easy to write. For years I’ve said that one day I’ll sit in front of a camera and tell the world about my struggles with mental health, but showcase the fact that it’s all behind me and I can live a normal life of joy. But as time passed, I’d tried to record that video up to 30 times and for some reason I simply could not do it. I’d open my mouth and the only thing that would come out is choked back tears because I knew I was not better. I was lying. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t make a little girl, going through the same, believe that one day she’d wake up and her life would no longer be filled with constant regrets and worries. 

So here I write as I listen to the saddest songs possible conjoined together in a sappy Heartbreak spotify playlist. I can’t say when it started because I genuinely do not know, but I can tell you what I do know. My whole life I was never like any of the other kids, I knew I was different. I towered over everyone (my growth spurt hit fast and out of nowhere) in 7th grade, which is the first time a boy on the bus grimaced as he pointed out my stretch marks that had began peeking through my tank top that’d slid up my side just a smidge. And that was the first time I looked at my body and hated it. I googled quick fixes, browsed around on “Pro Ana” sites, and began counting my calories. I wore long sleeves and when it was too hot for that I’d stack 20 bracelets on each wrist to hide the harm I’d done. I hated crowds. I hated people looking at me. I hated the THOUGHT of people looking at me.

     August 2017 -    I had just eagerly started my senior year of highschool. I’d come so far and I had so much to prove to those who doubted me. Starting out, I had built a stable school-ationship. Everyone knew me as the slightly shy yet bubbly girl, I was accepted on to the varsity cheer team, my grades were well-leveled, and before I knew it I fell in love. He was a football player, I was a cheerleader; I mean things couldn’t have been more Netflix teen romancey. I had never been in a relationship, at least not a serious one. I had given him everything I had to offer. But he cheated. And I took him back, every single time. But each time, I’d lock myself in the bathroom and stare into the mirror until I pointed out every single flaw, every reason why his infidelity was justified. I grew a hatred for eating and a love for workout apps. I’d stay up until 2 AM making sure I knocked out enough sit ups. Before I knew it, I’d lost 30 pounds.

January 2018  - I left him. I left for good and in doing that, I got involved with someone he knew. He found out. Everyone found out. Instead of walking into school excited to speak to people, I started coming as late as possible to avoid as much interaction as possible because the only thing they knew how to do when they seen me was whisper. Just that fast, I was no longer the shy bubbly girl but instead I had random people jokingly ask if I’d let them be next. I had girls threatening me for no apparent reason except for the fact that they knew my ex. Again, I stopped eating. Instead of staring into the mirror I’d sit in the tub with the showerhead pouring on to my head as I cried as loud as I possibly could. It was a constant battle on whether or not I should harm myself again. But one night I got a call, from him. Telling me how there had been a video taken of me that everyone had seen. And I saw my world collapse around me. I didn’t know what to do and the only thing I could think of was how there was literally no way i could show my face ever again. I grabbed a bottle of antidepressants and swallowed every single pill. AND DIDN’T DIE !! I remember waking up the next morning thinking about how I couldn’t even kill myself correctly. The pills numbed any source of emotion I had for days, until I had learned how to block out the memories.

     February 2018  -       I met someone. I felt as if i was walking on eggshells trying to avoid the pain I’d just been through. But he’d reassured me he was nothing like my past. 

I was pregnant. If you went to school with me, you know that already. Since you know, everyone was asking everyone but me if I knew who the father was. But as for family, I nearly didn’t add this because of you. I nearly didn’t write this because of you. Not all of you, but you get the point. ANYWAYS, I was pregnant. After 4 weeks had passed, I got used to the thought. I was excited, had no idea what I was gonna do, but that didn’t matter because nothing was going right for me and I finally had something, someone to live for. I had a miscarriage 11 weeks in. Everyone either treated it like it was nothing or treated me like I was a piece of glass. I got pulled out of school. I no longer went on campus like everyone else, instead I sat in the back of an empty room and did my work for the day. Until that grew to be too much and I had to do my work from home. I thought my life no longer had a meaning, I was only a burden at this point. I started heavily drinking and smoking because it was the only thing that could numb the pain, even if only for a few hours.

May 2018  -     I did it. I graduated. I walked across the stage, got my diploma, and I graduated. I should be happy. But yet in the back of my mind, I wondered who actually cheered for me from my class when my name was called. I looked around as everyone posed for pictures with their friends, and I was huddled in a corner getting flustered about lunch reservations with my family.

July 2018 -      School starts August 13th. I have my classes planned out for the next two semesters. I AM going to be a Pediatric Registered Nurse. I AM going to get my drivers license along with my first car. I AM going to put 4 months rent down on my dream place. And I am on a journey to healing. To growth. To getting better. And no one can take that away from me. I’m still not okay. Sometimes I don’t comb my hair for weeks, sometimes I’ll go days without showering because I literally just can’t pull myself out of this fog that engulfs me at random times. Sometimes I make excuses to avoid social situations, even if it’s family. Sometimes I cry in the shower. But that’s okay. Because when I get out of bed, take a shower, clean the house, or brush my hair, I’m proud. I’m proud that I’m still here and i’m still fighting the chemical imbalance in my brain. I’m able to step back and see how strong I’ve become. If those antidepressants had worked, I would’ve never been able to choose my career path. I would never be able to feel this joy of school starting because it’s something I’ll be able to control. And im okay with it. I’m okay with all of it. Because it weren’t for my lows, I would’ve never been able to achieve these highs.

This is for every brown girl that is told that her feelings are invalid. That is ridiculed for something she can not control rather than helped. It’ll all be worth it in the end. And this is for EVERYONE who has ever been laughed at whilst dealing with anxiety/depression while in highschool. Highschool sucks! And not just as a “Oh everyone goes through it, get over it.” No. This needs to be more than just shrunk down to small highschooler problems. Listen to us when we speak up. 

Thank you.

<3 

[spxderman-s]

Apple Fritters {Part 3}

{part 1} {part 2} 

word count: 2.5k

pairings: peter parker x reader 

warnings: some swearing, some angst, more mentions of apple fritters, some PG sensuality

a/n: oooooohhh boy!! this one is probably my fav one i’ve written so far. THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERYONE! i can’t believe how much love Apple Fritters has gotten–i feel like it’s my child and im watching it grow lmao. you are all the reason i keep doing this, what keeps me writing!! i love each and every one of you guys. xxxxxx

tagging: @tronnoristheotp @nedthegay 

Days flew by as you grew accustomed to your new life. The days turned into weeks, the weeks turned into months. Pretty soon, August and September had bid you farewell, and October fell upon Queens in a blanket of falling leaves, cloudy skies, and crisp autumn air.

You didn’t have any more encounters with Spider-Man after that odd evening, but that didn’t mean you stopped thinking about him–or how he knew where you lived. You felt oddly drawn to the masked stranger, you longed to know the truth about his identity and his story. Did he know where everyone lived, in a protective vigilante way? Or was he just another creep, who happened to beat up bad guys on the side? But the one question that constantly burned the brightest in the back of your mind–who was he? You had kept the encounter to yourself, not confiding in your new friends just yet. You didn’t want to sound insane.

You were acing all of your classes, staying on top of your work as usual. You were the perfect student. Impressive test scores every single time, and your teachers were beginning to notice. Soon, most of your superiors had joined the growing list of people who encouraged you to join the Academic Decathlon team.

“I get stage fright easily!” you protested to Peter and Ned one day in the quad during lunch. The three of you sat in a circle on the grass, enjoying the chilly weather.

“You can’t even see the audience with all the lights that shine on you,” Ned urged, flipping through a comic. “Peter–tell her!”

You looked at Peter–who had become somewhat distant since the day he walked you home. He no longer walked you to your apartment, but rather the corner street where you parted ways. He was always in a hurry to be somewhere else. You were still reeling from that tender moment you shared with him, still feeling the fire his fingertips left behind on your skin when he softly grazed your cheek. You couldn’t stop thinking about him either, or the way you suddenly felt very shy around him, or how his beautiful brown eyes looked when the sun caught them.

He looked absolutely worn down today–dark circles under his eyes, falling asleep, and wincing every time he moved, like he worked his muscles too hard the day before. You grew increasingly worried about him. When he didn’t respond to Ned’s right away, you quickly changed the subject.

“Do you guys want to come over to my place after school and study for a little while?” you asked, pulling your sweatshirt tighter around as a crisp breeze blew through the quad, shaking the red and yellow leaves from the trees.

“I’m free,” Ned said excitedly. “I’ve never seen your house.”

You grinned, looking at Peter in question. “What about you, Parker Pete?” Your nickname for him hung in the air.

Peter rubbed his eyes tiredly. “I wish I could, but I’ve got the–my–my internship with Stark Industries.”

You bit your lip and turned your gaze away from him. “Yeah–yeah, it’s totally okay. I understand.” But you look like you seriously need a day off from that.

Before you could say another word, Ned broke the silence. “I could bring over my PS4, and we can play some video games!”

“I asked for you guys to come over to study,” you laughed, playfully pushing him over. “But bring it anyways–just in case.” You stole another glance at Peter, who was staring off into space, not paying any attention at all. The bell rang out across the quad, and he was the first one up and walking briskly back to his class without a hint of a goodbye. You stared after him, an unwelcoming feeling of anger and frustration bubbling in the pit of your stomach.

“What’s his problem?” you grumbled to Ned, standing up and brushing yourself off. “He was fine a few months ago–but now…he’s a totally different person.”

“He really is under a lot of pressure with his internship,” Ned replied. “Don’t take it too personally.”

“I just thought that he…that we…” you trailed off, swallowing the lump in your throat. Why were you crying?

Ned put a reassuring hand on your shoulder as the two of you walked back towards the main building. “Don’t stress about it, [Y/N]. Peter is…complicated. He’ll come around again.”

It was nearly midnight, hours after Ned had left your house after studying for a quick minute, and then spending the rest of the time playing videogames together. You wrapped yourself in a thick blanket, stole out through your window onto the cramped fire escape, and sat in solitude. You had brought your Biology textbook with you, to get some actual studying in, the light from your room filtering out over the pages. But you still couldn’t concentrate.

Your mind was swimming with thoughts of school, how Peter was acting, and trying to figure out Spider-Man’s deal. Your fingers restlessly drummed on the open page to the book, until you let out an exasperated sigh and closed your eyes.

Your phone buzzed in your pocket. Fishing it out, you answered the call with a weak, “Hello?”

“[Y/N]? It’s Peter.” Speak of the devil.

Your eyes immediately opened. “Peter–hey–I….what’s up?” You pinched the bridge of your nose, knowing how ridiculous you sounded.

“I’m sorry to call so late–I didn’t wake you up or anything, did I?” His voice sounded strained.

“No, no, I was still awake,” you replied. “Are you alright?”

There was a moment of silence before he answered. “Uh–not exactly….but I’m fine! I’m fine. I’m actually in your neighborhood–could I stop by for a second? Just–just to say hi.”

This was very strange. But he sounded like he needed help with something. “Of course, I’ll wait downstairs for you.”

You let him in when he arrived, noticing a very slight limp in his step. Putting a finger to your lips, he nodded and you bother entered your apartment, sneaking very quietly back into your room. He collapsed at your desk, sighing in relief.

“Peter,” you started, sitting on your bed across from him. Before you could finish what you were about to say, you noticed the purple, mottled bruises across his cheekbone. A few more peeked out from underneath his grey sweatshirt along his neck. “Peter, what the hell happened to you?”

He gave a weak smile. “Sorry–a guy got tough at the ATM this afternoon. I just got in his way.”

“I thought you were at your internship this afternoon?”

“I…I was,” he stammered. You knew he was lying through his teeth.

“You need to tell me what exactly is going on with you,” you demanded, crossing your arms. You could feel the hot tears welling up in your eyes. “You don’t look like one guy beat you up, you’re tired and slow every day now, you’re falling behind in your classes….” You bit your lip and looked away, silently cursing your emotions as the tears spilled over your cheeks. “I thought….I thought we had something, but–but everything you’re doing is telling me otherwise.”

Taking a shaky breath, you furiously wiped away your sorrow. Looking up at him, he was staring at you with those eyes….those damn, beautiful brown eyes–with a crushed, pained look on his face. His mouth was opened slightly, frozen, not knowing what to say.

“Please say something,” you whispered. When he didn’t–he just kept looking at you with that scared, horrified expression–you stood up angrily with your hands balled in fists.

He looked up at you, defeated. “[Y/N]….I can’t tell you. Just please–please trust me when I tell you that I’m okay, I’m just a little tired.” Peter closed his eyes and lowered his head, as if in prayer. “In the few months that we’ve known each other, I feel like I can….I can be myself around you. I don’t have to put on a mask or pretend to be someone I’m not. I feel–I feel safe when I’m near you….you have this aura, this presence–something about you that I’m just drawn to.”

You stared at him, feeling your cheeks beginning to heat up. Was he…confessing his feelings for you? You were speechless for a moment, until the anger and frustration sank back into your chest. “After all this time, all these days and weeks and months of wondering what you could possibly be going through, this is all you have to say? After putting not only me–but also Ned–through this unnecessary bullshit? We’re both worried sick about you, Peter. You can’t just change the subject and–and–”

He lurched forward out of your desk chair, his hands gently but firmly grabbing your cheeks. Before you could register what the hell he was doing–his lips were softly kissing yours. Completely and utterly taken aback, your hands fell to your sides. Your eyes closed, your heart was racing, and you gave in to the kiss–your hands sliding up and wrapping around his neck, pulling him closer to you and deepening the kiss. You were enveloped in him, his scent smelling of musk with a hint of cocoa, feeling the heat radiating off of him.

You could tell he was trying to figure out how to kiss you as he went, his hands gripping your waist at first, but moving to the small of your back a few moments later.

He pulled back, all too soon. Your eyes opened slowly, to see him looking at you with a stunned expression on his face, his soft lips swollen from the kiss.

Peter took a step back, beginning to panic. “I am so sorry–I didn’t mean to–that was….that was crossing a line–”

“Peter….Peter, stop!” You reached out, your fingers gently tracing the bruise on his cheekbone, silently wishing you could take all of his pain away in one second. He froze, leaning into your touch with a relieved sigh. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”

“I’ve wanted to do that since I saw you that day on the subway,” he murmured, sending shocks of electricity to your very core.

“Me too,” you admitted with a laugh.

Peter leaned in towards you again, brushing your lips very softly. “I gotta go–although I really don’t want to….I’ll see you again soon.”

“Two apple fritters, please,” Peter politely asked the man working the bakery stand. After paying him and receiving the pastries, he handed one to you with a smile. “Now my debt is paid.”

You let out a laugh. “I guess now we’re even, Parker Pete.”

The two of you began to strolling along together, hand-in-hand, enjoying the brisk October weekend. It was nearly dusk, the lights of Queens beginning to twinkle in the dimming night sky. The two of you had a long talk about what happens next the night Peter had kissed you, about prioritizing everything correctly. You both agreed to keep your newfound relationship on the low, spending time together on the weekends–Peter had his internship during the week still, and you began to understand the importance and secrecy of it.

You enjoyed every minute you spent with Peter, your life finally feeling like it was back on track again. But you were dying to know all about his internship–you learned that Tony Stark was a genius, a billionaire, and philanthropist who doubled as the superhero known as ‘Iron Man’, a secret he came out to the press about. Peter gushed all the time about working under Mr. Stark, but he always kept it strictly confidential–and you were starting to get curiouser and curiouser.

“So,” you asked as you both walked together, giving his hand a playful squeeze. “Are you absolutely sure you can’t tell me anything about your internship? Like, not even a tiny little detail?”

Peter chuckled, rubbing the back of his head anxiously. “I’m sorry, [Y/N], you know how the rules are. I wish I could tell you, though.”

You knew not to push, but you couldn’t help it. “Do you work with that high-tech alien junk I saw in the news?”

His smile slowly disappeared. “You know I’m not allowed to say.”

“I know, I know,” you whined, giving up. “Top secret stuff.” 

A crash and a shout sounded suddenly, breaking the silence. Looking up, you both saw three men clad in all black, complete with black ski masks, holding a poor shop owner hostage in his floral store a few blocks down.

“Holy shit,” you breathed, pulling out your phone. “I’m calling the police.”

Peter let go of your hand, taking off in a sprint towards an alley. “Call them! I’ll be right back!” he shouted over his shoulder.

“Peter, stop!” you cried out, taking a step forward. “Where are you going?! Peter!”

He disappeared around the corner, shouting again, “I’ll be right back!”, leaving you standing there, utterly stunned and speechless that he would just leave you there, stuttering out a few words to the 911 operator on your phone. His words echoed in your mind. 

A group of people began to crowd across the street, watching the three robbers. You pushed past them, hearing the sirens in the distance–but you knew the robbers were going to get away before they arrived. Looking around, you had to do something.

“Hey!” you shouted, running full speed towards the three robbers. You had some pepper spray in your purse, and you quickly pulled it out, spraying the man closest to you right in the eyes. He screamed in agony, falling to his knees, clutching his burning eyes. The second man was stuffing cash from the register into a bag, and the third was holding the shop owner by the collar.

“Well, well, well,” the second man said, his voice sending chills down your spine. “Looks like we got a little hero.” He tossed the bag of cash to his partner, and moved quickly towards you.

Before he could take a step further, before you could blast him with the pepper spray, a flash of red and blue appeared and knocked him out with a swift kick to the face. The last man holding the shop owner dropped the bag of cash and tried to run, only to be stopped with one of Spider-Man’s web shooters.

Once the shop robbers were incapacitated, Spider-Man turned to you almost angrily.

“What were you thinking?” he bellowed, stabbing a finger at you. “You could’ve gotten yourself killed!”

Your mouth opened in a shocked O, hot tears spilling over your cheeks. “I–I was only trying to help, the police were never going to make it in time–”

The masked hero shook his head. “[Y/N]–don’t do that again.”

“How do you know….” Before you could finish your question, Spider-Man ran out of the shop, and disappeared into the city with a few swings from his web shooters. You were completely shocked, and right back where you once were–who was Spider-Man?

The police asked some questions, took some notes, and turned you loose. Breathing heavily, you exited the growing crowd and immediately pulled out your phone, dialing Peter. He didn’t answer, so you left a very quick and angry voicemail.

“Peter Parker,” you growled into the phone. “You have a lot of explaining to do.”

[atomicsurvivor-isleofskye]

Ep. 1 - “Karma is a Nasty Old Woman”  - JG

This season began the night of December 8th with a cast reveal, but the game was already afoot before that. Players had the opportunity to earn an extra trip to hunt for the idol by reading the rules. Heather, August, Aundra, JG, Rebecka, Tara, and Vi all took advantage of this opportunity!

The pre-merge buffs were also revealed, with the tribes called Iolaire and Saorsa.

And then the game began.

The first immunity challenge was posted, which you can check out here:

https://atomicsurvivor-isleofskye.tumblr.com/post/168340626526/tribal-immunity-1-isle-relay

Introductions have been made, and everyone seems nice so far!

Consider me the f*%# overwhelmed. I’m trying to make personal connections but clearly that isn’t going too well. The challenge seems scary. I’m dying. Someone help!

I am SCARED. I have to establish all new relationships and I’m pretty shook about it.

Everyone seems so nice. I can deal with the challenges but I'm a bit scared. I don't want to mess up so early in the game.

Man, I forgot how the start of orgs are so busy. Everyone seems pretty nice so far but I swear I won't learn their names until at least merge. If we have merge that is. After that I'll have to relearn. Hopefully we all make it to merge so I don't have to relearn anything. This challenge is pretty bad though. Slow internet will make this a pain

Ok so I love my Tribe so far! The first immunity challenge came so fast but I'm glad that our team came together to figure out who's doing what. Also JG is coming in clutch with that advantage.

So I’m not sure how to feel about being on a tribe with Rebecka, she might be bitter, or she might be happy to have someone she knows. As for me if I can’t find anyone else ill try that connection, for now I just need to keep communicating.

This game is so different from azores (shout to everyone from that game) the vibes are completely different. probably because im completely different but yah im really enjoying this tribe rn we have team work down and dont seem like a bad group of people. only thing is i signed up to do the logic puzzle thing and im not that smart 

omg this seems like a nice little tribe, its interesting be surrounded by new players to this like myself :') im not outta place, also it seems like being the oldest i hope everyone will be able to rely on me and my knowledge :D on the flip side with everyone being new it's sure to lead to some confusion in challenges hopefully i'll be able to give them some guidance and lead us to some wins :) also i fully expect to have bad luck doing the moors crap but yolo and may as well try right? 

So the LoIaire tribe decided to do a call but it turned into me, Stephen and JD talking about videogames fjksskskd. I hope people don't think we're an alliance already! Fingers crossed.

my tribe is full of nerds

but i'm a fan of it

So the em peeps - me, Tara and august - made an alliance right off the back. I'm already lying to them like I did my previous org. Who said I was gonna do random voting this time again? O well, time to play a wolf in sheep's clothing and hope not to get picked to shear. That would be terrible. It's really cold and this wool is really warm. We're basically ignoring the other chat since they're in a group call and geeking out about stuff. I don't know. I zoned out bc I didn't understand what they were saying. Hopefully I'll be able to start my plan of seducing them with pictures of my pets soon.

I'm not sure if it will be an advantage or disadvantage but while searching the Moors, I found a twist that will be revealed at merge! Now I just have to do is survive until then... tune in nextime kids

Cool tribe.  Trying to prove my crappy helpfulness in this collecting challenge since i'm godawful at puzzles. Also, tara went ahead an made a stupid fast f3 with me and infinity, and i told them my searches which sealed the deal. Also like JG and Ain, seem like pretty cool dudes, hoping to work with em'. This moor twist is really neat, but i also feel like everything already found already, but whatever. 

Tara is pretty cool. She's nice and I think we can work together

An alliance of Heather, Lukas, Madison, and Olivia called “Future Final 4″ was created on Saorsa.

We love early alliances YES WE DO.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cch6Q-ItmQE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R8Vto9iHwVY&t=2s hope this works haha

kay so the tea is that I’m aligning with Madison and Olivia. Olivia is super sweet and super trustworthy, so I am aiming to keep her close for awhile. Madison vibes with me but she seems very intelligent and very much so willing to stab me in the back. I’ll keep an eye on her. I am hoping these two allies will be able to at least get me through the first few votes. Who knows? {note: I’ll be submitting video confessionals soon after more happens}

haven't talked to rebecka at all yet but love her video calling me late at night to show n complain about her broken tooth! an icon! can't wait to see more of her this season. hope her medical bills aren't too expensive

So Luke and I have been skyping for 3 1/2 hours and I am so glad we have chosen each other! We have plans of who we each are going to talk to and who we want in our alliance. He is going to try and get close to Madison and AnnMarie and I am going to try and get close to Skip, and Dr. Mike Jake. Sarah at this point is a big question mark and Heather is in between and we'll keep her close enough but we both think that she will either be a good meat shield or a threat that we should take out pre merge. The other Jake we are both going to try to get close to as well. Hopefully we can have the majority no matter how it goes. Maddy told us that she is close with Rebecca on the other tribe which was probably a big mistake so we have to keep an eye out for that. She also told Luke about a secret map that she found at the moors! She lied when I asked if she found anything about it. Luke said there was a phrase that you could send to the hosts about this secret map so we both sent it in. Sarah, Heather, Luke, and I formed an alliance that they think will go all the way but I think Luke and I may have other plans. I trust Luke implicitly and I know he trusts me! Hopefully our plan works out.

3 and a half hours later, Olivia and I are going strong on Skype planning and scheming for the whole game. I exposed Madison after learning she is also close with Jake (* ^w^*). We are definitely targeting Heather at some point, for she is the least trustworthy of them all. I’m planning on trying to win over AnnaMarie and Madison’s votes and Olivia is going to win over Jake (* ^w^*) and Trip. Hopefully by controlling two people each, we will have the majority in any potential vote. Needless to say- I will trust and advocate for Olivia until the end. I believe in our ability to take out the rest of our tribe and come merge time lay low. She’s writing a confessional right now as well, I hope it’s not about how she’s going to eliminate me lmao.

Also- Heather said in her intro video that she isn't afraid to backstab people and she kept going on about how much she loves acting! She also wouldn't really say anything when we talking about future plans so HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TRUST HER! I know I've already made two so this is the last one lol.

Things seem to be going well, I have talked to everyone, excluding Rebecka, and get along well, so far there are few people talking strategy, but that suits me fine for now.

I am so happy that the game finally started. The Saorsa tribe gives off really great vibes to me and I hope that is a good thing. I feel like I've made connections with almost everyone, but it is really nerve wracking because you never know who felt a connection with you. I feel I got pretty close to Madison, Lukas, Olivia and a few others. I just hope we can win Immunity so I dont have to send anybody home

I am very nervous for the competition. None of us really know Sarah and if she doesn't  show up, it's going to suck for the tribe. I don't want to be known as the weakest link for the tribe because my partner for the challenge didn't work. 

So I reveled I have a 10% advantage, hopefully that doesn't kill me off but oh well. So far so good. Tara and I have been bonding over BTS and I think I'm gonna try getting us to f2 since I like her the best out of everyone so far. Maybe she'll back stab me but that's okay too as long as she gets into f3 ^-^. I hope not though, that would be completely and utterly sad. (I do think she knows what I'm playing at since she watched my first org and I'm basically redoing that. She's trying to help me right now at least)

So I went to the moors for the first time and I’m really excited to be playing. This game going to be good and I know it going to have plenty of twist in it. Also I’m really liking Tara form like day one we vibes and we started talking and she’s pretty cool. Another also I feel like one of those older wise people because a lot of the peopel on my tribe are newbies and that makes me feel somewhat more safe in this game. 

So I misread my hidden advantage/disadvantage. What it actually says is that it will be revealed at a tribe swap and not merge. Also, Ive been mapping out all the locations and places explored in The Moors and concluded that Ain has the idol that was in the pit she fell in. For now I'm going to try and befriend her more so that we can be allies or have her reveal and flush an idol. My crossword chellenge is upcoming and I've been studying Survivor terminology so I don't flop!

I really like Jake and Maddie. I really want to start having a good strong alliance with them later on in the game. I love everyone's dogs as well.

Trip is sure he blew the logic puzzle. I feel bad for the kid and I definitely don't want to target him or anything over it and I want to make sure other people don't do that as well. I've been reading up battleship strategies online and about how to read people and poker tells and whatnot and that either makes me the biggest dumbass in the world to think that any of the advice might help or it makes me more prepared than my opponent. Can't tell at this point. He says he can't do the challenge today so we have to wait all the way until tomorrow. That'll either give me more time to be prepared or it'll give me just enough time to overthink and freak myself out. Either is likely at this point. I tried talking to AnnMarie some like Luke and I planned and she seemed pretty receptive until I suggested videochatting and she didn't respond but I'm not sure if she is doing her puzzle right now or if I just scared her off.

oh also Trip and I talked this morning which was great. Hopefully people don't talk to one another and say "oh hey has Olivia been talking to you" because if they do then they may think I'm playing too hard which at this point I'm probably over-doing it but I am just so excited

So Tim has told me that he has an advantage from the moors that will be reveal at the tribe swap. I believe him because even if hes lying it means he wants me to trust him so we work together. Looking ahead I think Tim, Tara, and I would make a good team, of course we’d need more numbers but it all depends on the connections we make, people’s performance in the challenge, and how people act if we go to tribal.

Found a special path in the moors, but even though I’m not getting anything from it, I’m getting a bunch of friends by telling other people. I told the alliance of me/infinity/ and Tara about it and I’m pretty sure that was the mortar that’s holding the house together. Also gave the info to Tim, hoping to work close with him, seems to be a pretty straightforward guy. He asked who else I gave the info to which I replied a solid “sorry can’t say” but I think it’ll go fine as long as that stuff doesn’t come up any longer.

Madison found a special path in the Moors, where she could receive a vote revealing advantage if she created an alliance with the two players she trusted the least, who she ranked as Jake S. and Sarah.

To do this, she opted to tell the tribe that she had to make an alliance with “random” players for a potential trial advantage. She succeeded, and was given a necklace which would reveal all votes cast at a tribal council, to be played until the final 7.

Hopefully honesty is the best policy. 

Ok so its Day 2 and i completed my immunity challenge pretty fast in my opinion... but this is whats happening... August told me about the third path in Moors but he said that i wasn't the only one that knew about it. Later Tara got caught searching in The Neist and August said that he told Tara about it but Tara said that's not true... Im on to you August.. lets just wait for the immunity results...👀

So Tim has told me even more information about the Moors, and a secret location called the Neist that August found. This makes me trust him more and feel more comfortable working with him, but it also means I have to work on my connection with August if the three of us are going to work together TimHoly shit things are going downnn. So August and Tara are actually allies and Im the third. And originally, we were the only 3 that knew about the Neist. But I rushed and thought I was getting played so I told Stephen... EVERYTHING about the Neist including the locations already searched... I messed up big time! ( Or maybe not? 👀)

omg so i hate august!!! first thing he messages me in the game is that we shouldn't tell ppl that we know eachother and we should try to seem distant because we know eachother from epicmafia n then he goes blabbing his mouth n telling ppl that he told me all this info! like where and when is that a smart thing to do august?? before i even knew he did that tim confronts me n is like hey do u know august, did august tell u this, and me trying to b a good friend to august is like yaa no sorry! but like ugh! august needs better communication bcos if the first thing he messages me is "HAHAHA SHHH SHHH WE DON'T KNOW EACHOTHER" i'm gonna expect that hes gonna try keep distant! then he goes blabbing some more n tells tim about drama that happened in our last org like hmm interesting... um but ya august is gonna b first boot! bye girl! 

So today in the Moor I came across a skeleton that “had a ring of bones unmarked from where a necklace once was”. This to me is a mess. Who on earth has already gone down this exact path and #snatched the necklace from me? Anyway, I messaged my main sis Olivia and devised a plan, then ran it by Madison as well. In the tribe chat, I openly said I have a “gem that could boost the power of a necklace that once rested there” which is complete BS. I am hoping someone takes the bait and messages me about having a necklace of such, and then I can expose them. 

Also- Madison entrusted me with the knowledge that she has a power that can reveal everyone’s votes at a certain tribal. I may just keep this to myself, because up until now all info I’ve received in the game I’ve shared. 

THE MOORS ARE CRAZY AND I KIKE THE RIDDLES AND THE HINTS AND IVE ONLY BEEN ONCE BUT I CANT WAIT TO GO TOMORROW. THE PUZZLE IS VERY HARD AND I STRUGGOED AT FIRST AND I HOPE the tribe isn't going to tribal council.

Tara came to me freaking out. I had told both her and Tim about the special path and Tim was like “ I bet they’re aligned” so Tara made up a lie saying I didn’t tell her. I tried to solve the problem by just being outright honest, but I’m still annoyed. Tim is far too paranoid to work with. 

ok so it seems as though as suspected some areas of our challenges were a bit rushed in decision and now i think it could be a big fat L but sometimes you win sometimes u lose, that said i hope the effort i put into my part shows im here to win, outside of that i've made more social connections with olivia and some others :) that open alliance announcement was a shock to me kinda made me laugh, looks like the 3 may be working together to get the moors solved so i'll have to keep on it

I'm a comp flop and i hope that doesnt make me a target. I havent talked to a few people and I'm going to get on that. 

Ok so everyone sucked today at the challenges (I still love them) and it is kinda looking like I am our last hope. wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Also it turns out the whole tribe is gonna watch?! what???!!! Feeling better every second out the firm alliance between Luke and I though. At the Moors I took a harness and hid it in a place where another harness already was so I am gonna try and be first when it comes to going to the Moors tomorrow. Luke found a skeleton without a necklace there meaning someone has the necklace. He told the tribe and AnnMarie just told him privately she had to tell him something about the moors AND NEVER RESPONDED. The second (not Canadian) Jake seemed like he might pull through and be an active participant but its not looking too likely. Sarah is still inactive so unless the other tribe sucked more than us she will probably go home Monday. Also I am supposed to talk to the Canadian Jake but idk how to talk to that guy! and trip too! Like I never know what to say but I am going to keep trying because Luke is making good progress with Maddi and with AnnMarie. We both gotta be careful and include Heather because if not that could be dangerous. 

JUST GOT SOME MAJOR TEA FROM CANADIAN JAKE WOOOHOOO!!! I was asking him about Canada and he told me that if I take the harness back to camp it leads to more paths. I told him this made me trust him a lot. Not exactly true but not false either. He could be playing me but hopefully this is securing a bond.

Hi I’m Aundra and I’m stupid af. I picked to do the logic challenge knowing I’m stupid af. then announced to the tribe that I’m thinking about quiting being stipid af. now I’m stuck looking stupid af

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-KvsH2lWN3Y

4 hours and 20 min later I finally finish my part of the challenge I’d like to thank Ali for helping me through when I was about to quit and Kermit I’d also like to say if we lose it won’t be my fault fully because people have gotten 10% disadvantages on the team so our odds are low but the grave I’ve dug for my self is bigger than the possible 20% I think we have agonist us 

LukasJust a lil update for the girls. Madison told me about her magnifying glass, but apparently she hasn’t told anyone else. I’m going to keep this to myself from Olivia otherwise I will have nothing to keep secret for myself, and that just seems wrong. I staged a text conversation with my boyfriend and sent it to Heather about her dog and how it’s totally the next big meme. Heather ate it up as expected, and now I feel like I have an in with her. Aside from my core 4 alliance, I really don’t know where anyone else’s head is at and they all are lackluster communicators. 

Ok so Maddi, Heather, and myself had about an hour long chat (mostly) about the game tonight. We agreed that the four of us (us 3 + Luke) should definitely stick together and although it’s definitely possible, it’s probably unlikely that the other four players have their own alliance. My fears about heather were mostly assuaged because when Maddi left she voiced her concerns about Maddi and her connections to the other side and she revealed to me that she trusts me the most (which is obviously great). Now I have two people that trust me the most out of anyone. (Only one I feel the same about) As long as I’m in this game I won’t forget heather’s intro video and her statement about how she is more than willing to backstab. The relationship between trip and I seems to be going well (albeit a little slow) while my relationship with AnnMarie is kind of nonexistent but it’s only been two days. I don’t trust Jake S. At all. He said he hadn’t been to the moors yet?? Fishy to me. The battleship showdown is tomorrow. Survivor gods be kind, let it go well. 

The idol is already out there on day THREE. Im assuming either Vi or August has it but I'm leaning towards August.. If we lose immunity then I may have to spark up the game and vote out the idol holder either that or have thr idol work in my favor. I'm on to you August and Vi and your friend Ain too! You may have had us do your dirty work of finding the idol but I'll get the last laugh. Know That. StephenSo Tim thinks someone has found the idol based on what he found in the moors and I’m inclined to agree, but it worries me how fast things are moving, im hoping we win immunity so theres time for things to settle down and for people to relax. At the same time chaos is a good way to find out who you can trust.

https://youtu.be/RSSBtWKMfiU

I'd be very very surprised if we win immunity, especially since our tribe has members with a 5% and 10% disadvantage, and some members of our tribe who have yet to complete their challenge or never will? InfiniVi has a 10% advantage so maybe that will help balance it all out. Regardless, I think I'm in a safe spot on my tribe and I am confident in my challenge time and Im hope Stephen and JG does well so cheers to that?? 

I didn't notice a small wording difference which  changes my time in logic puzzle from very low to over 3 hours and 40 minutes. I am worried if we lose this challenge I could be sent home, but hopefully if so Sarah is thrown under the bus. I mean they haven't even been here! Everybody else is so nice and cool, I love my tribe!

Well I had a very nice conversation with Vi and Tara (seperately) and August your game is donezo. We know about your idol/advantage and you lost your potential allies' trust in the process. If only you'd kept Neist point a secret. Fear not, we can still use you as a number and you can be one of the many strings I pull as I become Sole Survivor. Ciao!

Hour and a half before battleship. The tribe seems excited to cheer me on. They all seem to think it rests solely on me. But if they all lost then we’re already fated to go to tribal, no? Irregardless, it would be a good moral victory. I’m trying to decide how to come across when I go head to head with the other tribe. Strategic? If so he may figure out that my ship placement strategy wasn’t just random. Wholesome and nonthreatening? It may help out now but they may think I’m not quite smart should I make it to the merge. Maybe that’s a good thing idk. I’m only certain of one thing however and that is that I’m definitely overthinking this. I watched my opponent’s intro video. He is into Star Wars and humanitarianism. Maybe I can pander to that so he doesn’t feel threatened. Battleship is mostly a game of luck but anything I can do that might be an advantage is worth it.

So so so, so much has happened I don't know where to start. The alliance between Tara, August and I basically is down to Tara and I and August as the third wheeler. He has betrayed our trust and so we're going to pretend to be nice to him. Also there is a 85% chance of him having the idol. Tim accused me of having it but jokes on him, I would have screamed it in the main chat since it's rare for me to get lucky with anything. Anyways I think I'm gonna go place some tension between a couple people and see how that blows up in my face. I know it will bc that's my luck also

I got more updates on the drama. Tim is a bas-cough- sneaky little no legged lizard. Can't believe he told Tara to go to the cauldron even tho Ain told him that it held a disadvantage right before that. Hehehe the boys - August, Tim and Stephen - are gonna regret it the moment the girls line up too.

Olivia is a QUEEN AND WON A SECTION FOR US IN THE RELAY. SLAY ME

Im not sur if im allowed to curse but where in the world are these ships!!! Hello????

My fav player won their challenge I am so proud of her. She will win first for sure calling it now.

JG seems like a fun guy, but we havent talked much. In his challenge he kept changing his pattern, which I’m not sure was a good idea, but that might just be hindsight.

https://youtu.be/nk5jBYqnYwI

We are going to lose because I suck at puzzles 

HOLY SHITBALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just won the battleship challenge and I feel OH so relieved. So much has happened today I hope I don't forget to write it here. Ok so I was included into the one viewing lounge which was cool as shit but I didn't know anyone but hopefully I can be included in this community going forward because everyone seems so cool. Trip and Canada jake both told me their moor experience which hopefully shows trust. And after I won the challenge Trip said I should be captain. It was sweet, but hopefully no one takes that to mean I am the leader because I sure as shit do not want that. Even though I feel like I am in a bit of a power position with Luke right now, I do not want anyone else to know and I certainly don't want people to think I am the captain because those people always get targeted (see: ben this current tv season). Apparently I mentioned that Luke was the only one that knew the coordinates for battleship and when Luke told me I did that I about shit myself because we don't want people finding out how close we are. Hopefully none of the players caught on. Luke told me that Heather told him that she got a 10% advantage in the first individual immunity challenge, and she didn't tell me that until she told the fab four collectively which concerns me because yesterday she told me she trusts me the most. I started individually messaging her so hopefully I can keep that trust. We get the tribal results tonight and hopefully we won so we can keep the Sarah buffer going forward. People were calling me an icon today and I don't really agree but it made me like so happy I could do something for the tribe and everyone was so nice after I won like I was so emotional reading the messages. I know this is a game but I like everyone so much and I'm so grateful I got this tribe. oh also Jake S. hasn't been responding (like usual) and I am just overall concerned about him and whether or not he has an idol. Besides that, I am just so happy with how today played out. Sorry for the long ass confessional lol.

Oh and also I love Heather but with the individual messaging I wasn't sure how to start it so I mentioned the walking dead, her favorite show, which I have literally never seen except for when people reblog stuff about it on my tumblr. I literally only had my tumblr knowledge to go on to carry that convo but it seemed to work and she seemed to buy it. I feel bad lying but like I need to talk to her more and I needed an ice breaker lol.

I’m currently trying to secure my alliance with Madison. Whilst I don’t 100% trust her and would like to see her gone before the merge, I want her to think she is my #1. To do this, I’m asking her if I should branch out to Annamarie. She agreed, so I made a group chat with them. This is not so much to control Annamarie but more to let Madison think I’m hopeless without having her in my convos. Hopefully I’m not coming on too strong. 

holy shit that was the worst puzzle i've ever had the misfortune of trying to piece together im so happy its over

Iolaire won the first immunity challenge, sending Saorsa to tribal council

https://atomicsurvivor-isleofskye.tumblr.com/post/168413432616/tribal-immunity-1-results

Im literally shakingggg. We won the first immunity so no first boots from our tribe! I think we were lucky that someone from the other tribe got a strike, otherwise, im uncertain how things would have ended up. There was a plan to blindside August and the idol but we'll have to put it on hold!

So glad we won, there has been a little drama and while I was confident I wouldn't be going home I'm glad we get time to settle down and talk more. I want to make sure I can get Tara, JG, and Rebecka on side, if we can flush or blindside August's idol I'll feel mch better.

omg, close ass challenge it seems like this was alot closer than i anticapated, i expected a loss in the logic but holy we almost wonf if not for sarah thats crazy, but i mean its hard to win with an afk, at least its an easy vote, another loss may not result in so, so we gotta get that motivation and grab the bull by the horns and win !!!

I'm so proud of Trip and Olivia for winning but I am also soooo pissed. If Sarah would have tried I truly think we would have had a chance.

Honestly I'm kinda pissed that Sarah never submitted cause we had it in the bag. I failed pretty hard with the puzzle, but I'm hoping to do better next time. I found a freaking path in the moors, no advantage, no hint. I'm trying to get around, trying to talk to everyone, especially madison, lucas, and olivia. I'm very comfortable with them and I feel that we'd be a good alliance once the game gets SERIOUS. I got drafted twice and I'm gonna cry I'm so happy

DAMNNN we have to go to tribal. Whilst I am sad about this, it won't be too sad seeing Sarah go (hopefully). After seeing the draft results as well, I think I am going to make Madison my #1 considering how liked she is by the VL. She must be a good person. Also, since she has history of the game- it would make sense to align with her over Olivia.

So Rebecka has finally communicated, was worried she had a grudge from Athena, but I know she's going through some things, hopefully she is better now. I do want to work with her, but I would be worried that she is more inclined to work against me than with me, hopefully I can work with her, she's a loyal person and I can use that.

Aye it’s my first confessional!! I’ve kinda been laying low from the start cuz I’ve been very busy in real life but I think everyone on my tribe is cool! I think this rounds tribal should be easy considering we have a 100% inactive but in survivor who knows what’ll happen.. I’m also not aligned with anyone at this point. I’m just chillin. But it’s a bummer we lost so hopefully someone reaches out to me soon! 

Jake just told me we are meant to be allies. I asked for his advise and he said he is there to help me, which is good for any future plans. I'm not sure if Heather trusts me the most anymore, but I know she thinks I'm right. I still have Luke 100% and hopefully tomorrow I can secure Trip more. Tomorrow is an easy vote day and Luke and I are going to use this opportunity to lay low and just trust build. Hopefully all goes to plan. Should we lose another immunity, we have a tentative plan in place. But hopefully, we won't get there.

I cant believe I somehow won my challenge even though I made a horribly dumb mistake! If my original assumption was right since we both won me and Olivia should have nothing to worry about. We all know who is going this tribal though. It would surprise me if it was not unanimous.

I’m glad I’m not going to be the first boot! A personal achievement. MadisonI’m super concerned about the advantage possibilities NOT GONNA LIE. And Jake S is sketchy. And Trip is playing hard wtf? Also I’m concerned that i was DRAFTED SO MUCH WTF. Like I’m happy but also I’m v concerned that people think I’m way more of a threat than I am. 

Honestly from yesterday to rn I read every single message over 3 times and  I still don't understand anything that people messaged me. I had to write this over 3 times since I'm so dizzy and brain dead from not sleeping and finals. I feel absolutely nothing atm and so  I can't tell if people are trying to screw me over or not. O well. I'm not that sad that we won, I don't know the other tribe so whatever.

Wow. So tribal's tonight and I'm mega excited. I can't wait to see how it goes and what question the judges ask and see who people voted for. I feel that this is an easy vote, but it's impossible to know what everyone is thinking. I'm excited for the next round and see what challenges the judges come up with. Overall, this first round has been incredible, especially since this is my first time playing, and I'm ecstatic to see what's next.

Well tribal is not too far away. I voted for Sarah, I'm hoping and guessing everyone else did too. Canada Jake's nickname for me is Moose, how freaking adorable is that. I love that guy. Today was supposed to be just a simple trust building day and then Trip blew that up lmao. I wonder if I tell Canada Jake that Trip excluded him if he would maybe get on board with what we need him to. I'm finding myself thinking way too far in advance when I just need to focus on what is happening now. With every move I imagine 1,000,000 different repercussions and how it could lead to me getting voted out. I want to go far so badly but I worry I won't make it past episode two. Just gotta take it one step at a time I guess.

This is probably my 100th confessional of the season (It's day 4), but Im totally enjoying my day off! We don't have to worry about going to tribal and losing a member of our team! What worries me though is that once the other tribe eliminates their inactive player, we'll be doomed at the next immunity.

Dang k9trip is salty at the moment. Rushing tribal to the extreme.

An alliance of Heather, Lukas, Madison, and Olivia called “Future Final 4″ was created on Saorsa.

An alliance of Vi, Tara, and August was created on Iolaire.

An alliance called “Secret Tribe F5″ between Heather, Trip, Lukas, and Olivia was created on Saorsa.

An all-girls alliance between Heather, AnnMarie, and Olivia was created on Saorsa.

At tribal council, Sarah was eliminated in a unanimous vote:

https://atomicsurvivor-isleofskye.tumblr.com/post/168443384851/tribal-council-1-saorsa

[sadrien]

fragile ones

on ao3

title taken from 10am gare du nord by keaton henson. i love his music so much its just so....open and raw? it felt fitting for a fic like this, it just really works for late nights and emotional talks idk

i started this fic back at the end of august on a bad night and there isnt much plot to it just...speculation i guess. a character study of alya? but in this au?? im not sure. theres not much to it at all and its a little all over, but it was a fic i felt like i had to write

enjoy

Alya wakes up with her heart in her throat and her hands tearing at her hair. She groans and rests her forehead on her knees.

If only he’d shut up.

She checks the time. It’s only three, because of course it’s unreasonable to ask for a full night’s sleep. She stays where she is for a little while longer, curled up in a ball and hugging a pillow, letting her heart rate level out and her head slow its spin. When she stops feeling like she’ll throw up if she moves, she slides out of bed and pads into the bathroom.

Alya avoids the floorboards that creak and is careful to close the door softly, but it doesn’t really matter. After a few months, her family got used to her getting up at strange hours and wandering around the house. Once she stopped screaming, it was easier for them to sleep through her nightmares.

She leaves the lights off and washes her face in the dark. She doesn’t want to have to adjust to bright lights right now. She twists her hair up into a messy bun. She’s up now. No point in going back.

Alya makes herself comfortable at her desk with her laptop. She scrolls through tumblr, drafting posts to post to the Ladyblog tumblr later. Usually she’d try to write or do something more productive, but she feels too raw and drained for anything more than mindless clicking right now.

She knows there are forums that she could go to, she’s the one that set them up. There are probably other people up reliving the worst day of their life right now. But she still hates talking about it.

It’s embarrassing. It’s embarrassing that the entire world knows that she got upset and lost control.

But it’s worse than that. It’s worse because she remembers. They all do. They don’t talk about it, not to people who haven’t been akumatized. It’s almost better to pretend that they don’t. Because they didn’t. For a little while. At first there’s nothing and then it comes back in flashes and nightmares and terrifying thoughts.

There’s nothing like having someone else take control of you. Having someone take your most negative thoughts and make them some of your only thoughts. Until you’re barely yourself. All your principals? Gone. Morals? Gone. Desires? Other than revenge, gone.

Hawk Moth makes nothing but revenge and the miraculous important.

Thinking about it makes Alya feel lightheaded.

She remembers pausing Chloé. She remembers restraining Ladybug and locking Chat Noir in the freezer. She remembers teleporting through phones, her molecules turning to pixels and back, the feeling of her consciousness and body being nothing but code.

Alya pushes away from her desk to get her phone. She sends Nino a quick text. If he’s not up now, he’ll see it in the morning, and that’s what matters.

Alya considers herself lucky. She didn’t actually do that much damage as Lady WiFi. She’s heard horror stories from the other akuma victims. She doesn’t know if she could handle anything more than what she did.

She had tried to broadcast Ladybug’s secret identity to the entire world.

She wonders if people have noticed that she doesn’t push the issue so much anymore.

Alya has too much time to think now. Far too much. Sure, weird hours of the morning like this can be great if she’s actually working on something — she’s far too tired to care about quality so she can pump out way more words than she does during daylight hours — but they aren’t good for wandering around as an empty shell. It gives her too much time to think and regret. And regret and regret and regret.

It’s given her dark circles and tired eyes. If she wants to be positive, she’s now a master at makeup. It’s one of the few things she can bring herself to do at hours like this. Google makeup tips and figure out how to make herself look more alive and less traumatized. And she’s not the only one.

She’s seen Chloé caking on concealer in the bathroom. Sabrina follows Chloé’s lead. Juleka and Rose check each other’s makeup in the morning to make sure it looks somewhat natural. Nathanael has sunk in even more on himself, letting his hair grow even longer to cover his face. Kim makes up excuses for his dark bags that get more and more dramatic by the day while Max just says he was up playing video games. Alya taught Nino how to use basic concealer once at two thirty in the morning and Ivan’s glare is a little darker. Mylené’s cheerful personality acts as a heavy cover up.

Of all their classmates, only Lila is the one who seems to have taken akumatization with grace. Snarky grace that makes Alya want to punch her in the nose and see horror in her eyes for once.

It’s awful to think, especially since Alya is trying to control her emotions a lot more now and not let them flare up, but Lila makes it impossible. Especially after long nights with hard dreams and Hawk Moth’s voice echoing in her head. To see Lila almost completely unaffected is jarring and painful. And she seems to know that she’s alone in feeling the way she does, because she rubs it in their faces with an irritating amount of glee.

Nearly the entire class has been akumatized. Alya has seen the way Chloé glares at Lila. Kim has rolled his eyes while Alix snapped pencils and a haunted look crossed Nino’s face. One of these days, Lila will get what’s coming to her.

Alya likes to think that if Marinette knew, she would shut Lila down in less than a minute. It’s not that Alya can’t, she can and she will, but there’s something nice about your friend taking someone down for you. But Marinette doesn’t know. Because Marinette is one of the two people who hasn’t been akumatized.

Marinette and Adrien.

And they just make it…awkward. Because if they weren’t there, whenever the teacher is out of the room, the class would be able to talk about their experiences. But they can’t. It feels like they’re all tip-toeing around Marinette and Adrien. Like they’re children who can’t know the adults’ secrets yet. It feels almost trivializing.

But all Alya would get from them is sympathy. And she doesn’t want sympathy. She’s had enough from people who don’t think she remembers. She doesn’t want to know what sympathy would be like from people who know she remembers what she does. Who know that some very small part of her enjoyed it and relished in the power. She hates that part of herself. Almost as much as she hates lying.

Her phone starts vibrating in her hands and she answers it without even bothering to see who’s calling. “Hello?”

“Hey,” Nino mumbles sleepily. “You’re up?”

Alya pulls her knees up against her chest, spinning slowly in her desk chair. “Yeah.”

“WiFi?”

“Mhm.” Alya has decided that forums are good when she wants to discuss and dissect herself. She’s decided that Nino is better for early morning panic talks. She’s decided that Nino is just better in general. “You?”

He sighs. “Freaking bubbles.”

She rests her chin in her hand. “Anything new?”

“Not really ‘new’,” Nino says with a sigh. “Just…different.”

Alya hums in agreement. She can understand that. Sometimes the situation isn’t different, but the voice in her head is or the perspective is or the burning cold sensation in the pit of her stomach when she wakes up with a jolt. Sometimes it’s just Hawk Moth’s voice, haunting her and terrorizing her. “Are you headed back to bed?” she asks, desperate to hear Nino’s voice again. She’s already losing herself to Hawk Moth.

“Nah, not worth it. I’ve been listening to this one song over and over again and there’s something off about it and I can’t place it. I think I’m losing it.”

“How long have you been listening to it?”

“Maybe two hours.”

Alya smiles softly. “Turn it off, babe.”

“But—”

“I’ll listen to it in a few hours when you can play it for me,” she promises, “but you’re not going to find what’s wrong with it right now. What do you always tell me to do when I get stuck on an article?”

Nino sighs. “Take a break and step away.”

“Exactly.” Alya slows the chair’s spin. “It’s what I do with the physics homework too.”

He snorts. “You didn’t finish it, did you?”

“Do I ever?” she asks. “I need Adrien’s help. I’m completely lost on springs.”

“Simple harmonic motions,” Nino says dutifully.

“Please stop,” she groans, covering her eyes with her free hand.

“F = -kx,” he continues. “This is known as Hooke’s Law. The proportionality constant, k, is called the spring constant and tells us how strong the spring is. The greater the value of k, the stiffer and stronger the spring is. The minus sign in Hooke’s Law tells us, uh, that…the force is a restoring force.” He pauses for a long moment. “What’s a restoring force?”

“Done reciting our textbook to me?” Alya teases.

“Googling…” Nino says slowly, “‘what’s a restoring force’…”

She closes her eyes and listens to him hum softly ask he scrolls through the search results. If she’s being honest, she’d be perfectly fine listening to him reading their physics book for the rest of the night. Nino’s voice is soothing and calming, and she’s not afraid to admit that she’s a little bit in love with it. At least, not at this time of night.

“The force which is responsible to restore original size and shape is called restoring force.”

Alya laughs. “I don’t know what I was expecting.”

“Neither did I.” She hears his textbook shut. “You’re right. We need Adrien.”

She glances to her window, looking out to the sleeping city. “Too bad it’s three forty-five in the morning,” she murmurs.

“Someone in our class needs to have a normal sleep schedule,” Nino says. “And we both know that it can’t be Marinette.”

“Do you ever want to tell them?” she whispers after a long pause. She can’t draw her eyes away from the streetlights she can see out her window, spots of light in the darkness of night. There’s probably something poetic in the quiet of the city, but Alya feels too drained for anything like that. Too many nights where she woke up with horrors screaming in her head.

“You know I do.”

Ivan hadn’t told anyone when he started to remember. Probably because it’s in his nature to say little. But then akuma victims had continued to stay quiet on their memories.

If Ivan had said something, everything would be different. If anyone had spoken up, if she had spoken up, everything would be different.

Alya doesn’t know if that’d be better or worse.

“You still with me, Al?” Nino asks when she’s been quiet for a few minutes longer than he’s used to. She’s fallen asleep on these late night calls and so has he. They tried video chatting once, but seeing someone else’s face made everything too real and raw. Most nights, all they can handle is each other’s voices.

Alya breathes slowly before she says anything else. “Yeah. Just…thinking, I guess.”  

“Anything you want to say out loud?”

She’s had far too many thoughts that are too scary to voice. Lots that have made her shrink back and shudder. “I don’t know,” she says. “They’re just… I don’t know, they’re there. Being…weird.”

“I feel that,” Nino says. “Sometimes I think stuff and I’m like whoa, slow down there brain. Chill out a little. We don’t want to be thinking that.”

Alya smiles and rests her chin on her knees. “I thought Chloé was going to punch Lila during the last akuma attack,” she admits.   

“Is it bad that I would pay to see that?” Nino asks. Alya snorts. “It’s not like I hate Lila, I mean she seems pretty cool and all, but she was just getting on my nerves with this whole thing. I don’t know if she brought up getting akumatized because she doesn’t realize how screwed up this was for the rest of us or because she likes making us uncomfortable.”

“Kind of tone deaf,” Alya murmurs. “She was nice enough during that group project, but it was really awkward.”

“Oh right,” Nino remembers. “You, her, and Adrien.”

“Mhm. It was…weird.”

“If you want weird, try me bonding with Chloé during that project. That was weird.”

“Oh?” Alya asks in surprise. This is the first she’s heard of this.

“Yeah she started ranting about something or another and I encouraged her because I wanted to procrastinate—”

“Of course.”

“Shut up, you haven’t finished your physics homework.”

“Okay true. Continue.”

“Anyway I was encouraging her rant and then she got on the topic of Marinette and then we started arguing because I couldn’t have that and then… I don’t know, we started talking about what we remember. And then we just kept talking. I mean the project didn’t get done at all but… Yeah it was weird. We bonded.”

“I would’ve thought it was over Adrien,” Alya admits.

Nino sighs. “I mean, Adrien totally came up. Several times. But like, in relation to the akuma stuff. ‘Cause Chloé was saying…that it was weird not telling him everything. And I kind of relate.”

Alya picks at the hem of her shirt. “I know what you mean,” she mutters. She constantly finds herself stopping herself from telling Marinette. Because Marinette— Marinette tells her everything and Alya isn’t able to return the favor and it’s awful.

“I hope they don’t get akumatized,” Nino says suddenly. “As rad as it would be to be able to talk to them about stuff like this, I don’t want this to happen to them. It sucks. It’s just… It’s awful and I don’t want either of them to have to go through it.”

There’s one traitorous part of Alya that has thought about Marinette and Adrien getting akumatized before and was glad because that was two less people she had to keep this from, two people she cares about very much. And she hates that part of herself. She’s pushed it far back into the dark corner of her mind with all of her memories. Because she wouldn’t wish this on anyone. “I don’t want them to either,” she whispers. “I’d keep this from them for the rest of time if it meant they could sleep through the night.”

“Ever consider taking sleeping pills?” Nino asks. “I know Chloé tried that.”

Alya shudders. “It made the nightmares worse.” More vivid, harder to break out of.

“Okay, let’s not do that again.”

She hears him yawn and suddenly feels incredibly guilty for keeping him up again. “Babe, if you want to go to bed—”

“I’m stopping you right there,” Nino interrupts. “I’m fine. Just out of it.”

She makes a distressed noise and puts a foot down on the ground to spin her chair in a fast circle.

“I’m kind of tired, but aren’t we all?”

“You should sleep.” She spins herself again and again, faster and faster until she knows she’ll fall over when she stands up. If she stands up.

“Hey, Al,” Nino says after a few more rotations, “is it cool if I put on some music? I promise I’ll try to sleep if you do too.”

Her foot hits the floor to stop the spin.

“Promise?” Alya asks, voice tight.

“Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle that I’d probably have to steal from Mari in my eye.”

Alya forces a laugh and wobbles as she stands. She holds onto the edge of her desk as the room tips and spins violently. “I’ll try to sleep,” she promises. She plugs her phone into her charger and puts it on speaker.

“Night then,” Nino says. Soft, gentle music from a playlist Alya almost knows by heart floats through her phone.

“Goodnight,” she whispers back. She curls up on her bed and focuses on the music, letting it carry her away. It fights off Hawk Moth as she dreams, the carefully chosen notes drowning out his wicked grin and charming voice.

It’s only for a few hours, but Alya sleeps.

[nrljnhx]

The past two days 6&7th august with you have been amazing. I mean , i know we are never what i have always envisioned it to be . We were never really an item . But u are still someone special , someone i wish i could just beep at any time of the day to say whatever i want to and to relay how my day was and you would do the exact same .

Babe , if things dont go right with you. I cross my heart and swear to god that i will never , ever find anyone else .

Idky but with you i can be myself . How i can dance to music , how i can snort while laughing . How you make me so ever nervous for just meeting you.

Im lying to myself all this time when i hold back telling you how much i want things to work . Im lying to myself sitting right next to you and have so many things running thru my mind but all that utters when asked is “im fine ”

Idky with you, i feel that somewhat things are going to be perfect . U’ll be my last straw of love that i can ever give . But why am i feeling this way ?

6th august , Met babe and went to jb as planned . Jumpy and nervous as ever because of the small surprises i have prepared for him as a belated celebration between us both. Was so happy to see that charming face which he never exactly noticed the grin . Or maybe he did .

Well eventhou it was just across the border , I felt as thou it was a special treat for myself and for him .

Checked in to KSL and settled our stuff and at the back of my head . I so badly wanna jump in bed and cuddle . but i had to wait for Room service to send up the surprise , while he’s fast asleep .. Perfect timing . I chudnt help wanting to jump in bed and snuggle . Which he knew exactly what i wanted and opened his arms wide enough for me to sneak my thick body to his side . His manly scent , attract me even more .

. He woke up and with that adorable waking up face , he smiled . Stood up and got his first surprise seeing the cake & watch on the table 🙊 hehe . This reaction : priceless . Took a video of him unwrapping his present . And of my awkwardly singing halfway for him . Hehe .. After everything we just went down to the ksl area to walk about and he was actually craving for cereal prawn, which is nowhere to be found around the vacinity of the permises. Am i falling in love with someone i know i can never get ? Am i putting on hopes when i knew from the start , it isnt something to be hoped for ? It was an amazing trip which im glad he enjoyed . But i gotta remind myself that it isnt more than just a companionship

[datingadviceonreddit]

​I will write the whole situation now in the best way possible. I need your advice!So basically my girlfriend (19F) broke up with me (21M ) on 1st October.We had been together for 1.5 years, a very close relationship where we were each others 1st loves and we both had a wonderful relationship where we had ups and downs, were very mature, loving and passionate. It was a wonderful loving relationship with not only us but each of ours families too.In August she moved away to study in USA and I moved away since I am a professional footballer and we started a Long distance, it was alright in the start but we hit a rough patch for around the past 2 weeks, we had arguments, I used not keep tell everything about stress facing my professional career and I even exploded like I took out my anger on her one day (last thursday) and she got pissed because she wanted me to tell her everything and not just explode (it has happened before) and I took responsibility. But she told me " it was my last chance".After that situation things were okay but on Sunday; she went out to party and next day I asked her how was it and all that but she was telling me everything but I just had a very bad feeling that she was hiding something, I told her that her eyes seemed wierd and i know but she said " no she is not hiding anything' , even promised me many times on my face.I don't know why I still didn't buy it and had a bad feeling. So I knew one day she had left logged in FB on my browser. I knew about it (she didnt) but I have never checked her messages , NEVER! i just never wanted to I always trusted her, but this day I had a bad feeling and I just checked her messages ( i knew I shouldnt but like i said i have never and this time I just had a bad feeling) and I read a convo with her close friend and found out she wanted to go out for coffee with one guy, (she mentioned as friends) since long time (lets say his name is M).So what happened is M asked her for coffee during the party and she was so excited and after the party she slept on the sofa together with M and her another friend, the hugged and she told her close friend that it felt so good to finally hug someone. Her friend asked her if something happened and she said "no she has a boyfriend and M has a girlfriend" but still she planned to go on a coffee date with M and was asking all the questions like who do you think should pay, how she has to look good and put makeup and all this .I don't have a problem with her going but she has told me earlier with who she goes and all this but this time she hided, earlier on the call I asked her where she slept and she said on her bed (not sofa with this guy), I asked her whats her plans are for today, she said she doesnt know and when i proposed some plans like go out with your friends, she then got pissed and said "Ill do what i want!!! etc" She told me many times and even did a pinky promise (big thing in our relationship) and said no she isn't hiding and is honest but she clearly wasn't! This is what made me angry, how she is and why is she hiding from me when in past she doesnt.Later I texted her again asking many times, are you hiding anything etc and she just got more pissed and said no, I'm tired of you asking etc. I just really wanted her to let me know by herself, I sent her many messages saying look I love you but don't hide. She ignored them.I had enough and then sent her a long voice message (7minute) saying that i found out about you and M and I am ashamed of why you lied straight on my face and I dont know what is going on between you and M but imagine if I would be doing this with another girl, would you like it etc? and saying that by lying to my face straight on my face you crossed the line and its hard for me to trust you unless you give an explanation, I am waiting for the explanation.She then ignored the voice and next day just called me to say she wants to end it: main reason being because I invaded her privacy and she thinks I have been reading her messages all the time even though I read in once (its still wrong and Im not proud of what i did) then she said yes she slept with M but with clothes on (nothing happened) etc, basically she mentioned she wants to end and will not change her mind. She said other reasons about our argument and other small things during our rough patch but main thing was that I read her messages..I did and i took responsibilty but I read once and she also hide things and I caught her. I told her I hoped we had enough love that we could work things out but I respect your decision, thats all i can do. I asked her do you love me still, first she said IDK and ignored and then I asked answer the question and she said no, she doesn't. She kept on saying that she wont change her mind. I said I hoped you can take some responsibility from your side also, like I did. I asked for one request - video call and she declined it. So basically she wanted to end her because I did wrong and caught her doing wrong and hiding...We ended the call, the same/next day I got sick food poisoning and I posted a story on my instagram from me in hospital admitted with IV drop and all that she saw the story but she didn't even care much as a human to ask if I'm okay??? really after being together for so long you cannot ask if I am even alive..She texted on friend next day after that saying: she is glad that one chapter of her life has ended, and all that how I was a spy etc.. and that its nice how after just 15 min call she is now a free bird. That she didnt want to be tied down/locked as she is young and is now in US and its amazing!Its been 3 days I have not made any contact, I wish I could have her because of all our memories but then one part of me thinks yes I did wrong but if she is so inhuman to not give a shit if I'm alive after all what he had together- then is she worth it? She also ofc put all the blame on me when clearly there was her fault too.What do you recommend me to do, what is your opinion... ? Stay No contact? or do something to win her back or she is not worth it? via /r/dating_advice

[alyssheart]

confessions and story time

i know i haven't posted any of my art in a while. im sorry about that, but i feel inspired after watching a few youtube videos about depression and suicide awareness and i want to tell my story. and its LONG.

A lot of what im about to say no one but my closest friend of 15 years knows. My family, my other friends. no one knows. but here i am about to tell my story, poor grammar and all. so here's your TMI and trigger warning. Let's dive deep

Let me give you some back story. I am 29 years old. I suffer from Depression, Anxiety and Suicidal thoughts. I have 2 amazing little boys, a beautiful daughter who passed away (more on that later). I have a very supportive and understanding fiance. And my family, although a bit dysfunctional at times, is an amazing support group for me and loves me unconditionally.

That being said, there are things that i never told anyone because im one of those people that dont like to burden others when there's so many other, more serious issues that are going on around me to others that i care about.

When i was a little kid, i was adventurous, curious, a little shy. I was 100% a daddy's girl. In my eyes daddy could do no wrong. My mom and i were close too, but in a different way. Dont get me wrong, i LOVE my mom, i always have but it took my mom and dads divorce and a lot of self reflection and hearing stories to know my "do no wrong" dad was anything but.

That, however, is not my story to tell, but its where my story starts.

When my dad left us, we had just moved to Ohio from Alabama. I was young, 6th grade. Of course i stayed with my mom, and my dad moved back to Alabama. I took this hard, i stopped taking care of myself. I didnt shower, i didn't brush my teeth, i didnt want to. my mom would have to force me to not be the smelly kid. my grades in school plummeted, i just didnt care.

a few years passed and then BOYS. Now, since i was young, even in Alabama had "boyfriends". But when i say BOYS i mean preteen-teenager hardcore "im in love and will never love anyone else!" kind of BOYS.

That's when i started taking care of myself again. I would hang out every Saturday night at the local skating rink. thats where i met him. my beginning to my end. my first "love". For protection, we'll call him Steven.

Steven was 2 years older than me, so cute, a sweet talking, gangster wanna-be. the bad boy your mother warns you about. He and i started a relationship that lasted on and off for 4 years.

He cheated on me a lot. Not sleeping around, because he was only 13 (at the begining, i was 11) at the time, but writing notes to other girls, kissing etc. Everytime it would break my little heart, but every time he would sweet talk his way back to me and I'd fall for it EVERY TIME.

lets fast forward a bit, i was now 13, he was 15. My mom is now seeing someone else, who would eventually become my stepdad/little sisters dad. We went to this little town for a semi monthly street fair. While my mom and her new boyfriend stayed at the booth he was working Steve and i started walking around. We walked down this ally way to take a short cut to a store we wanted to visit that sold albums, records etc.

He stopped me in the ally way, and to not become to graphic, things happened. Things I was not ready for, but convinced myself was okay at the time, because i "loved him" and we'd be "together forever ". i cried the entire time, he assumed it was from the pain. It was really because i knew, at this moment i was not ready, and no matter how i tried to convince myself, i KNEW it was wrong. i never said no. i never tried to stop it, that time.

Fast forward again a few months later. My mom drops me off at his house so we could ride to the skating rink together. his parents were home, in the living room and we went to his bed room and i insisted on leaving the door open. he and i had not been alone since that day and i wanted to keep it that way. we started to talk and he asked why we never fooled around after that. I told him that i just didnt want to. i was scared of my mom finding out, or getting pregnant...

He.. got.. PISSED. i mean, he was ANGRY. he held his hand over my mouth so i couldnt scream, grabbed my arm and held me to the wall in his room. He then said "You're tall, fat and stupid. who else is going to love you like i do? So why won't you give me what I need?"

Those words.. stabbed me in my heart like a million daggers. Thing about it was, i wasnt fat.. i was healthy. Yes, i am tall, always have been my dad is 6"7' what do you expect? I also was NOT stupid. i may not have gotten good grades in school but thats because i was not doing homework or turning my work in. not because i didnt understand it but because I didnt care about school.

He then closed, his door, locked it, covered my mouth with his hand, and had his way with me, again....

I sat on his bed and cried until his dad drove us to the skating rink and i found my best friend at the time and told her almost everything that happened in his room that day. She protected me from him the rest of the night. wouldn't let him near me and she and i danced all the anger and pain away.

Of course, im a sucker for punishment and he used all the right words and came back into my life weeks later.

around this time, I started lying to my mom, i stole from my cousin, worst of all i stoped eating. there was a nagging thought always in the back of my mind that i was fat and needed to lose weight. this was actually pretty easy for me. my mom worked A LOT to support me, anywhere from 8-12 hours a day so i would be left at home alone and simply not eat until she was around. I didnt even eat luch at school. id sit with my friends while they ate lunch and i would pretend to have eaten a lot of snacks during the day, or a large breakfast.

Now, remember when i said that i started lying to my mom a lot. It got to a point where she wouldnt believe anything i said. Which, i cant say i blame her, i was being a bitch. But this caused some abuse from my now ex step dad to go unnoticed. I dont blame her for that, looking back now i know she believes me when i would tell her about the time he punched me in the stomach and i think at times she feels bad she didnt believe me when it happened. so i hold no grudges against her. I only bring this up to explain how truly fucked up i was around this time.

So between having to pretend to like my step dad, to Steve getting inside my head, basically starving myself and having my mom not believe a word i said to her about anything. i started to feel so alone....

if you're wondering, the situation with Steve never went any further than those 2 times mentioned. other than that he was the "love of my life".

Eventually the situation had gotten so bad at home that my mom made me start seeing a therapist. He was the 1st person that knew everything, aside from the ally way no one knew about that until I met my best friend Jeff years later.

Fast foward again. My mom gets pregnant with my sister, so we move to a house with my step dad to a new city.

This is where things changed for me, in a positive way. i met Jeff, he became my best friend, my therapist, my brother, my world. He helped me work through a lot of things that i didnt know how to handel. he was there for me when my step dad started abusing my mom. He was there whenever i needed him. he was my saving grace. my angel. He made me stop talking to Steve and preoccupied my time so Steve couldnt weasel his way back into my life. 30 mins isn't much of a drive for a teenager thinking hes about to have sex. Jeff knew this and protected me from it.

Fast forward again, i am now out of high school, im living with this guy who i started dating my senior year. we had been together for 3 years at this point and it was fading fast. we didnt love each other anymore and did everything we could to not be around each other. Thats when i met Chris. My ride or die. the 2nd closest friend i had beside Jeff. I was seriously over weight at this point, and hated myself. i was living with a guy i didnt love but had to pretend i did around everyone else. She was there for me. offered me a roof to live under if i decided to break up with this guy. She would work out with me to help me loose weight, not because she thought i was fat, but because she knew i wanted it. and she gave me the motivation to want to change. then it eventually happened. my boyfriend and i broke up about a week before Easter in 2011.

This is around the time i met my now fiance. my ex and i decided to make it official and move out of the apt my ex and i were living in about 2 months after we broke up, because i wanted things to be official with my now fiance. I moved in with my mom, he moved in with his grandma and that was the end of that.

In November of 2011 after being told i could not have children since i was 19 i got pregnant, with the most beautiful little girl Kairi. Man was she loved. By everyone. not even in the world yet and she was so.. so loved. August 7th 2012 she was stillborn. her cord wrapped around her neck, with a trueknot. she had been dead for a few days before my body decided it was dangerous and needed to come out.

Sept. 1st we burried half her ashes and kept the other half, she is here with me now. My fiance and i decided that we were ready and we needed to try again.

on August 5th 2013 Quin was born. a beautful healthy baby boy, that looked so much like his sister it hurt at first. but that was my baby, the one thing in my life that i was not ashamed of, the one thing in my life that was missing.

Then, to everyones surpize July 25th 2014 Came Silas. my 3rd baby. My beautiful baby boy whom has made ny life and my home so complete.

Happy ending right? Not really. I love my children, i love my fiance, but im scared. im so broken from so many things. im still tall, fat and ugly in my mind. I still try to fix everyone elses problems before my own. I still keep to myself. social situations make me nervous and scared. everything i do feels wrong. im not happy with myself, im not happy with my job, my living situation. Im just not happy.

And yes, at times i have suicidal thoughts. I would never do anything to harm myself, but theres always that thought of "what if". if not for those 2 little boys and their hugs and kisses and just the fact that they need me. i would welcome death with open arms. but for now. telling my story, finally getting everything off my chest is what i need.

im starting Therapy again on March 1st, so hopefully some real professional help will make a differnce.

I felt like i needed to tell this story, not only for myself but for people who know me. for people who get annoyed that i apologize all the time. people who think i hate them because i wont hang out with them. Im trying. i am. im trying to better myself, for me, for you, for my family.

i love each and every one of you so much. i truly do. i dont hate many people. believe it or not Steve and I made amends a few years ago, and even though i would not call him a friend. i forgive him for everything. if i can forgive him and have peace and closure, i can truly say that i believe in my heart of hearts that i am not this terrible moster that i believe i am. I will give chances after chances. I will forgive people fatser for hurting me than the people i love. maybe thats my problem, i dont know. i know ive made mistakes and if the people ive wronged didnt forgive me, i would truly have no one right now.

I want to help people because i cannot help myself. thats my curse.

sorry for the super long post. and thanks for reading my story.

Love always-

[sexyweges]

Oof! (T)

So last summer when I was down south I went to the pool with my nieces and their cousins came. So while me and my nieces in the Corner Talkin this one kid kept lookin at me and he was cute as hell so I’m lookin at him too. K let me mind you this tho I don’t think of it that bad bc my neices are from my half sister, and their cousin is on my sisters husbands side Which I have no blood relation to. So that was my last day there btw before I left to go back to ny from my little summer vacation. So before I left that night and we were still at the pool he went up to one of my nieces and asked ab me and for my snapchat or my ig blah blah yea. So the day after he text me and he ask me out. Now Ik nothing ab this kid really, never really talked to him in person, didn’t ask my neices ab him, I just went for it and said yes. Soo that was in august. A month or 2 later maybe I somewhat broke up with him I think bc we didn’t talk really , idk if we actually broke up or anything bc we never really made it clear but yea. Confusing. So maybe a few weeks / month ago he was texting me and was like “you know we still date right” and at that point I was like shit ok idc so I said yea, and we started Talkin again. Now I went down south again for Christmas break and I told him I was and I wanted to chill , he said aight so it was on and poppin. Now I didn’t really feel that serious ab this kid expecially bc when we talk it’s like nothing or we just don’t talk. But yesterday he came over my sisters house at 11. Mannnnnn when I tell you my nigga lookin like a snack, he was lookin like a snack. Fine lightskin boy, He was tall asf, had a nice new line up, had on a fine little outfit, some nice Jordan’s, anddd this dude smelt good as a mf. No cologne just his scent .he had a whole bitch fallen. So he done he playin games and Talkin and joking and I notice he got the same exact humor as me. And we was textin earlier ab cuddlin and shit if he came soo you already know ya girl was gonna make them moves. I tell my neice to sit on the other side of the bed bc I wanna be with my nigga, So while he steady playin video games with my nephew , who I can see clearly from my view, I lay on my nigga and I’m cuddlin all up on him and I see his head rise up and face in the direction of my nephew and he start smiling and looking and me and him . But god Damn This Nigga smelt so good almost put me in a trance. So yea I’m layin on him all night yea we just chilled then 1am rolls around and he gotta go . He was supposed to sleep over so I got a little sad bc I was gone pull the moves on him later in the night. But oh well. Soooo Once he leave My sister come in the room and start questioning who let him in, who he came to see , why he coming so late, who told him to come, and why he just pop up. So im acting all dumb on my phone acting like idk wtf goin on , and she was using his nick name anyway and I call him by his somewhat real name, so i act like I didn’t know who she was talking ab , until she started putting things together and started questioning me. So at this point when she start putting Shit together she get madddd asfffff. She she yelling damn near passin out from anger . So I got in trouble , her kids got in trouble, he got in trouble and ain’t able to come over here for a few months bc she was mad, and blah blah blah yea. So this sucks now bc I got no where to hang out with him now when I’m here bc my dad damn sure ain’t gone let me hang out at his house alone or in general now expecially bc we in a whole nother state. So maybe next summer we can hang out at the pools again. But ok so todayyy I’m texting him and I’m like t, he like huh so I’m like I just wanted to talk to you, you get in trouble ? And he’s like nah I’m cool , and so we texting and I tell him I’ll text him later then I said ly and he said ly2. So later in the day I’m trynna text him and he keep pulling k’s and answering me with k’s a lot so that gets me mad and I tell him bye and he say bye back soo I say u mad he say nahh and he hasn’t answered me since and I texted him this one like freaky post and he hasn’t seen it yet. But yea I hope he isn’t mad at me.☹️ I really like him and I want to have a good relationship so I’m just sad rn. Bye