#im realy just not happy but i think its for the better i leave that hellhole behind

[staijey-the-creator]

wehhhhh...

i dont wanna change computers :[

[re-ikrmso]

 DAMNN. THIS SHIT LATE LATE THE LORE HAS BEEN OUT FOR LIKE MONTHS //sob//  but damn. IF IT AIN’T PURPLED AND PUNZ! he really is dream’s right hand man...claiming about how awful torture is one moment and then turning  around to “WOULDNT IT BE FUN THO>>> TO TORTURE QUACKITY???” LIKE DAMNNNN. also, all of those lines in black are taken directly from the last nevadas final lore stream! damnn i loved watching the two mercenaries start each other down like two rabid dogs. my god though punz...

but yea smh it was really hard to get designs down espiaclly for ARMOR OGHGH. I will talk about deisgn.  mostly. So after my revalation that there netherite armor doesnt actually have gauntlets, i said fuck that and decided that only certain people have gauntlets (people adept at fighting, or the richer members of the server). and also, see those different helments and details with armor! i’ve decided that every armor set someone wears is actually slightly different from the other!  also if you pay attention dream’s claws/gauntlets are like. unpractical to high hell? idk if thats should leave any implications or if i should just keep it as “omg cool design” but if i were to attach anything behind it, then c!dream is a fucking freak and enjoys the challenge. also he thinks it looks cool on him. other people would have a  lot more practical gaunlets/gloves though. maybe.

More on c!punz’s art, i don’t think it realy matches him but i already drew the expressions. i could imagine  his expressions to be ones that c!dream would make so its a happy coincidence in a way. i kinda wanted punz to look unhinged to a degree though considering how ‘heated’ up he was getting over c!dream being tortured. also i made his helment pointer to try and imitate horns but its kinda meh. i kept his little medal thing on the outside (cause damn it looked so plain otherwise) and helped to kinda identify him.

For c!purpled i really reallly wanted to draw his hair out (sorry punz, maybe another time) and his little suit! though with his apprehension //forgive me if im wrong i dont watch a lot of purpled/punz lore// i believed that purpled initally thought punz was hired by quackity to kill him. and with his little suit its all crinkly and wirnkled and the tie is becoming looser and hes just. disheveled. but hes still a fucking mercenary i gotta give him that respect. Also, with the purpled alien headcanon, i was like eh. but it was also kinda cool so i was like “wow what if the alien stuff wasn’t like. that obivous” so i put his antenas onto like the back fo his head (he has like 4 in total, 2 short farther up and w longer farther down) but i didnt want to draw all the antennas cause it would look awkward.also, you know those black “bags” under his eyes? those aren’t bags. the dark grey under his eyes are the bags. HELL YEA. I was looking at purpled’s avatar and i was like haha what if those black marks above is eyes were like actually part of his skin. and so here we are. //put them under his eyes instead cuase it looked better.// im also planning to make purpled’s eyes like. different and im planning to make it stick. art consistecy isnt my forte but im gonna keep purpled’s eyes in that shape and that color

Also wow, anime eyes! kinda. i just wanted to fill up the empty space and i was like “wow purpled has nice eyes its unfair that punz gets nothing” so here we are. when looking at punz’s pfp i noticed his like...eyelashes were thick so imma keep em thick. the man fuckign applies mascara or eyeliner or soemthing. also kinda cool contrast. 

[sasukeless]

so being serious what do you think the ending of naruto should’ve been? 🤲🏼

okay so i got three main different options because naruto's ending is so bad that you can make thousands of scenarios and all of them would look better that whatever we got.

1) the most reasonable in my opinion and that would've kept big chunk of the audience happy or at least they wouldn't complain so much: naruto and sasuke being co-hokages and actually changing the current system. getting ride of child soldiers, telling the truth about the uchiha massacre (in sasuke's own terms since its his clan), doing something about the hyuugas, uniting the nations, etc. basically the optimistic happy ending that even if it might not be what everyone wants but it wont feel like a sick joke where we get both characters making false promises and getting their characters arcs destroyed. also naruto and sasuke being co-hokages would be like a "parallel" of what hashirama and madara didn't do but should've since the beginning. oh and the elders imprisioned for life, or dead if i was the one writing it 🙏

2) okay this is more biased and its just sasuke and naruto just leaving because yeah, they deserve it. the system and konoha have already hurt them enough and they dont deserve them why do they have to be the ones to fix things? so yeah have them both just accept that they are tired and they dont own anyone shit, they will be better away. they do get ride of the elders or imprision them in this one too because.

3) maybe also biased but sns dying at vote 2. i made a post about this one so i wont make this long but yeah. they dying would've been really tragic and sad but even then i would've still prefered than them having sasuke become a dog of the state and naruto a fucking liar politician. also the elders also die or get imprisioned here, dont ask me how lets pretend kakashi grows some brain cells or smth.

also i would obviously take the whole hetero romance out of the ending because that was just bs for the sequel. and i dont say this to make sns canon or smth, i would be okay with naruto ending without any couple im general (698 already made sns canon for me so i dont realy care).

[riftimagines]

hello 💓 if you're accepting requests (feel free to ignore), I'd really appreciate it if you wrote something about sett. for a few weeks, his girlfriend avoids him because someone tells her that she is too much trouble for him after finding out she's hiding an eating disorder and self-harm from sett. she believes this person and decides it's realy the best if she just disappears from his life. sett finds out and immediately goes to find her? fluff and soft boi sett? 🥺❤ thank u ❤

I had actually did headcanons for this but it just got too long so I turned it into a  one shot! I hope you don't mind that and you still like this!

Sett x Self-harming!Eating Disorder!Reader

Warnings: Trigger Warning, Attempted Suicide, Self Harm, Minor Character Death, Minor Blood, Minor Swearing.

Catching the eye of the infamous Ionian pit fighting ring boss seemed impossible but lo and behold one trip to the pits with some adventurous friends and now you hardly ever leave his side. Ever loving and charming in his own gruff way. He always made you feel normal and happy even on days where you didn’t feel right. When you felt empty and not enough food could fill it or even the thought of food made you want to throw up and never eat again he was there to make all the badness go away. Everything for once felt decently right and you could just live as best as you could with someone that actually loved you for you. Too bad that didn’t sit well with some of the more envious eyes.

A green monster’s eyes stare into the back of your head with bitterness. Why would their tough, strong, handsome boss care for such a weak, pathetic nobody like you? You weren’t even a fighter for deities sakes! So what made little worthless you so much better then them? They were stronger, better looking, and didn’t have weird eating problems. They just needed you to leave him since Sett seemed so adamant on staying with you. Unfortunately for you the opportunity for them to strike arose rather quickly when Sett turns to you.

“Hey, babe I need to check in with my bookies for the nights payouts, you keep my seat warm alright?” You nod happily and he grins and gives you a quick peck on the cheek before walking off to the bookies office. As you sit there you can’t help but feel a looming presences behind you. Turning around you spot one of Setts underling fighters looking at you. They take your look as an invitation to saunter up to you and glare down at you in Setts seat. You can feel the bubble of anxiety building up in your abdomen as they stare you down. They pick up a fruit from the table next to the seat your in and they lean in close as they bite down on the fruit hard enough that you could feel the juice from it land on your cheek. You cringe at the sight and your are not sure if your want to eat a fruit or throw up at the thought of eating it. They chew for a moment before before speaking to you.

“So your the boss’s new arm candy? Must be for charity or something.” Your brows fur in confusion and you glare up at them. They snort loudly and eat more of the fruit.

“I mean why would such a man like Sett like a little broken thing like you? So feeble, useless really, I heard you can’t even eat right. Here, have a fruit.” They toss one of the same fruits they were eating at you. You catch it and stare at the fruit like its a foreign object. It looked edible but then could you stop eating or would it just make you gag? As you contemplate the fruit your harasser just laughed.

“See, you can’t even decide if you want to do a basic human function. Even babies know what they want. I feel kinda bad for the boss. He has to put up with you and whatever the hell is wrong with you. Such a pain in the ass if you ask me. He probably just stays with you so he looks nice to better people. You know attract the better normal people.” You look down in shame. Sett wouldn’t do that to you, would he? No, he wouldn’t, but then again he didn’t know the broken side of you. The days of eating mindlessly or not eating at all for a couple days or the days where  you did eat but just threw it all up. He didn’t know that you would physically beat yourself up about it. The scars that criss crossed across your arms, a daily reminder of the darkness in your mind. As your mind wondered the underling observed you and realized what you were thinking.

“ Oh, he doesn’t know does he? Now your a lier as well as a broken waste of space. You know, if you really supposedly love him wouldn’t you want him to be happy with someone who’s probably better for him in the long run. I’m sure you know as soon as he finds out about your little eating problem he’ll want you leave you for something better. Might as well save yourself some pain and let him go first don’t you think?” You felt a horrible familiar pain in your heart. It would be better for Sett if you weren’t around being a ball and chain. He could most defiantly do better then you. He deserved someone better then you. The fighters eyes brightened as the seeds of doubt were now planted in your head. It would only be a matter of time before your out of the picture.

“You just think about that, huh? If you can’t be good for him let him have someone who is good for him. Don’t let him suffer your problems. He doesn’t deserve your problems, no one does.” They say that last part with bitterness and a sharp in your face glare then made their leave back to the corner where they came from. So many things running through you head. Sett loves you right? Yeah he does, of course he does and you love him, but he didn’t know about your problems. He didn’t know that you had trouble with eating or how much you hated your self because of it. He doesn’t know that your a dirty lier that hasn’t been honest with him about all your faults. The fighter was right, you needed to leave Sett, he needed someone so much more then you. A perfect, honest, wonderful person for a wonderful, handsome man like him. You were lost in thought for who knows how long until a large shadow overcast you. Sett looks down with you with his lovely sharp toothed grin and dipped down to kiss you.

“Hey babe, I’m back everything’s good to go. You ok there hun? You look a little sad. Did someone hurt you? Just tell me babe I’ll make sure they’ll never hurt you again.” He cracks his knuckles and neck and looks around for any potential culprits.

“No love, I’m just tired its getting late thats all.” You tell him. More lies. Another fault and reason why Sett should be free from you. He looks a bit skeptical but he doesn’t push and instead settles down in his seat next to you and holds you close to him. He was so warm and comforting. So much more then you deserved. Starting tomorrow Sett will be free, no matter how much it would wound your heart.

The following weeks were so incredibly hard. You had been avoiding Sett like a plague and it was waring on your very soul. Every time he wanted to see you you would leave or make an excuse. Any dates he wanted to make you’d say no. He’d be so confused and sad but you’d take off before he could say anything. Everyday now you would cry. Everyday controlling how you ate was more of a task then it had ever been before. The small blade you had to defend your self now became the thing of your self destruction hardly ever leaving your hand and in those hands left a trail of blood and shame in its wake. In the sanguine pools around your limbs your life drained from you. It hurt so bad but good at the same time. The pain of your skin being split open by a sharp blade hurt for a short while but there was also and inexplicable relief in this pain. Though in the end your end will not come. Only a new mark will stay on your tapestry of sorrow that was your skin. This tapestry had become your life recently. The constant waves of agony that washed through you were only soothed this way. You try to convince yourself that Sett could never have loved this. This was all for the best, all for your dear love, Sett. It had to be.

Unknown to you Sett was getting rather fed up with all this running away and avoiding him. He loves you dammit and he knows you love him too! So why the hell were you being so distant lately? He was grumbling to himself and putting everyone in the pit on edge. Bookie and fighter a like knew what happens when you test the Boss when he’s in a bad mood. Nothing good they’ll tell you what. While everyone was generally avoiding Sett while he was irritated one particular fighter saw this as a chance. You were gone, you had to be to put him in this kind of mood. Time to test the waters. They made their way over to the beast man, who paid them no mind in the slightest. They frowned then coughed loud enough for the boss’s ears to twitch. Sett quickly and aggressively rounded on them and growled.

“What do you want? Can’t you see I’m not in the mood right now? Buzz off!” They were taken a little aback by his sheer aggressiveness. Now they knew he’d be a little upset but to be this upset over a broken thing like you was a bit ridiculous. It almost seems that he actually liked you but that couldn’t be it because no one in their right mind could like you. Well if he was going to be rude then they could be rude right back.

“No need to be so rude Boss. Im sorry if your little fling flaked out on you but they were certainly nothing to be upset about losing.” Before they could say anything else Sett moved with such speed they had no time to react. Their head hit the wall so hard the world started to blur and spin. Sett was snarling as he lifted up this dead weight bastard by the throat and slammed his head against the wall again. No one talked about you like that in front of him NO ONE.

“And just what the hell would you know about them?!” They yelped in pain as Sett punched them hard in the gut hard enough for some blood to dribble out of their mouth. A dark grin appeared on their blood stained face making Sett glare and tighten his grip on their throat. Ah, they had truly underestimated how much he didn’t know about you. It was likely Sett wouldn’t let them live but at least they could go out knowing Sett’s love would waver when he hears the truth about you and maybe just maybe you had already left this world and they could rub it in your face in the afterlife.

“More then you apparently. Little flake was broken anyway. It would be so much better for you if you just let the little defect go. I mean a guy like you shouldn’t have to deal with a creature that can’t decide if they want to eat a lot or nothing then just throw it all up or just spit up acid. Then on top of that have to deal with their “accidents” that they give themselves because they can’t handle their own mind. Honestly a waste of life that no one should put up with. You should just let them go. That is if they haven’t left this world already.” Sett blinks as he takes in all that information. You had eating problems? You HURT yourself? You want to avoid him so you could break yourself more because you were afraid of he would leave you? None of that set well with the beast man. You didn’t need to hide that from him. He loved you so much and if you had problems he’d want to be there for you. He NEEDED to be there for you, but first he needed to take out the trash. With a deep growl Sett channeled some of his Vastayan power into his arm and quickly crushed their throat. Blood sputtered out of their mouth for a moment before they fell completely limp. Sett dropped them like a sack of potatoes and turned to face some of the other fighters who silently watched the scene unfold and nodded for them to get rid of the body. Two of them moved quickly to dispose of the corpse and the others stood there in fear of their boss.

“Alright fellas I’m gonna head out for a bit. I’ll be back later with my babe and if anyone has any crap to say to them you’ll end up like that horrible bastard thats being taken out the door, got it?” Everyone in the room collectively agrees and Sett promptly leaves the terrified room behind. He needed to get to you now. If anything that A-hole said was true then you were probably not ok and if you weren’t ok he wasn’t ok. He kept you in mind as he started to run as fast as he could towards your home, hopefully he wasn’t too late.

In your seemingly dark and cold abode you sat on the floor in front of you bed. Sullen, in pain, and defeated there seemed to be no end to this sadness today. The only thoughts that ran through your mind were of your imperfections and your love who needed to be free from the blemishes of your life. You held the blade in your hand precariously. You were so used to the blade grazing the skin as of late that it didn’t bring anymore of that reliving pain. Perhaps you needed to go deeper. Yes, you needed to go deeper the pain was deeper so you just have to push it in closer to the core of your misery. You looked at the thing that had become a part of you arm its sharpness could go in so far it could be so easy for it to just pierce the core of your being. If it did everything would end. All the pain, the doubt, the indecision, gone. Thats what you want. Everything to be gone. You bring your end closer to you and in the process catch the sight of your arms tattered in red lines and blood splatter of today. Sett would be so sad to see that. He never liked to see you in pain, always wanting to fight away all your problems, such a sweetheart. A small smile actually appeared on your face as you recalled the memory of the day Sett told you he’d kick the ever-loving ass out of anyone that would even try hurt you. Such nice thoughts. Hopefully Sett’s next love will appreciate such protectiveness. The sliver of a smile you had fades and the knife in your hand and the wounds on your arms become more real. The pain rolling back into your chest double time after the happy memory. No he didn’t need this. You were a horrible mess that needed to be disposed of and you had the way to be disposed of in your hand. You feel nauseated as your mind races. Everything hurts. Everything hurts please make it stop! You gasp and begin to cry. You didn’t want to die, you wanted to live happily with Sett, but that could never be. You didn’t want to be that much of a burden to him. This is how it has to be. You hesitantly bring the blade up to your chest and start to hyperventilate. No, yes, no, yes, don’t do it you deserve to be happy with someone that loves you and he’s out there waiting for you. Lies, he probably doesn’t even notice your gone just end it and lets be free from all this pain. Your so lost in thought you don’t hear the pounding on the door or the sound of it breaking.

“Babe? Babe?!” The loud, sudden yelling in the room draws you from your thoughts and a blur rushes to you and wrenches the knife from your hand and throws it across the room. Your in shock as two large, warm, strong arms wrap themselves around you and pulls you in to the large man their attached to. You look up and see red fluffy hair and a dark purple fluffy vest collar in your face. Sett, he came for you. Tears bubble up and begin to rain down on Sett’s shoulder. He coos you softly and sits down fully on the floor and pulls you into his lap. His head presses softly against yours and he begins to kiss your tears away. A calloused hand cups the side of your face and makes you look up at him. He looks so concerned and slightly frightened. He was scared of losing you and you almost let your life slip away. So stupid, your so stupid, he really did need someone better.

“No I don’t! The only person I need is you. I was so worried about you. You started avoiding me and I didn’t know why. I was so confused, I didn’t understand what was happening. I still don’t to be completely honest but I want to know. I want to understand so you don’t have to feel like you have to do this. So you don’t have to hide from me and almost leave me.” His voice trembled at the end. You look upon his face and see his eyes shimmering like tears that wanted to fall but didn’t. He missed you so much and it felt so nice to have you in his arms, a little beat up but alive.

“But there’s so much wrong with me. You don’t have to deal with it, you shouldn’t have to. You don’t have to deal with me not being able to control my eating habits or this.” You gesture to the scars on your arms and your tear stained face.

“I’m a mess. A horrible mistake upon you and the world.” You were silenced by a deep loving kiss that held you both quiet until neither of you could breathe. The kiss ended with both of you gasping for air but Sett recovered faster and filled the quiet with his voice.

“Don’t be saying that crap. I know you feel bad, but your definitely not those things. I was told the same thing growing up. That I was a horrible mistake and nothing but a pain in the ass for my mama. She didn’t care about that though and whenever I felt bad she’d tell me that as long as one person in the world was happy with you then your life is worth living. I’m that one person. I love you so much and I don’t care if it takes me my whole life to understand or maybe I’ll never understand but the point is, I’m here for you and as long as I’m here for you, you don’t need to feel alone or ashamed. We can take all the time you need babe. I’ll be right here.” Your eyes filled with tears once again not from sadness but with joy. He truly loved you so much and was so patient with you. Perhaps, this can work. It would take a lot of time but maybe you could get better. As long as Sett was by your side it felt like you could just make it through and see some light at the end of your previously dark tunnel. You smile at him happily and cuddle into him. He lets out a small laugh.

“See, it’ll be ok, hun. Now lets get you cleaned up a bit your starting to look tougher then me!” He chuckled and kissed the scars on your arms as he picks you up easily. You can feel a better mood creeping in and jest with him.

“I am tougher then you.” He smiles and starts to kiss at your neck making you giggle and you swat at him playfully.

“Hmm, you might be right there, babe. You might have to protect me every now and then.” You nod and he snuggles into your nape. The light is even brighter now and for the first time in a long time you feel something you haven’t felt in a long time, Hope.

[heanv]

End To Start | haechan

genre: romance,angst

warnings:cursing,mentions of drugs

word count:1,6k

requested by: @ki-aechan

song: End To Start by Nct 127

Who knows  that a single person can change you and your future to the point you really actually change and find yourself again?

/ I know there is no point if it stops even in the dark/

There is this boy Haechan you  always had a crush on.You never  told  him of course and the reason  is obvious – he was lee heachan, the boy every single girl wants and dreams about and you were nothing more than another girl in an ocean of highschoolers.

But Haechan had his dark side and little did you know.He was addicted .He smoked every single day and it was getting worse as the time passed, he couldn’t think about anything else, there was just too much going on. The scandals  in his family, the pressure of being famous at school ,the grades and the fact that haechan had nobody. Sure he had his “friends” at school but most of them just wanted to hang out with him just because he was famous. His real friends live in another town far away from him and he always thought about leaving the hellhole he lived in and go and be free and happy with the people he really loves.

But for now he couldnt do it. He cannot let his friends to see him like this. Smooking joint every single night and wasting his money on weed, he just couldn’t. And the worst is that he had nobody to talk to.not a single soul.

/gotta end it tonight/

One night you are invited to a party of a classmate and haechan is  there. of course he is there. The whole night you observed him and you see the emptiness in his eyes and how  he pretended to have fun . suddenly he looks at you and you freeze . the whole eye contact  sends you hot waves and you feel his gaze burning you inside out. he looks away and not long after he leaves,looking at you one last time before he shuts the door.

You dont know why but you felt this as a sign to follow him. You tell your friends that you have to go and when you are outside the house you take a deep breath and you start looking around for haechan.

‘stalker much,huh?” you turn and see him smoking next to his car.

“you smoke?” then you smell something disgusting and realize this is not a regular cigarette “oh my god” you take the thing out of his hand and throw it on the ground,stepping over it.

“WHAT THE FUCK THIS IS EXPENSIVE “ he shouted

“ YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS EXPENSIVE- YOUR HEALTH” you pause for a second “ you cant just smoke weed on the street”

‘’I don’t see something stopping me besides that who are you to tell me what to do” you stay silent ‘’see it yourself, I don’t even know you”

“ you cant just smoke it heachan , this is destroying you and your body” you whisper

“ have I asked you to take care of me,hmm I don’t remember , so don’t  mess with me” he says as he lits up another cigarette and enters his car, driving away from you.

In the next few weeks you barely see heachan  at school. He looks so different , so dark and silent ,no one has ever seen him like this,he was cold to everyone and he was empty as if the whole world has gone bad and dark and you just couldn’t handle looking at him being a mess, you had to do something.So you did.

One day after school you go to your secret place on the last floor in the school,there is an old art classroom where nobody goes and this is the place when you often go when you want to be alone.When you are about to enter the room you hear that somebody is talking on the phone inside.

“-yeah im okay, im doing really fine,no I stopped playing soccer , I don’t know man, I just don’t feel it anymore,no I don’t workout too”he pauses for a moment” what I ate last,umm you know man I don’t remember but im fine like really fine but I miss you guys I miss you a lot,all of you I promise soon I will visit you,okay bye man,love you” you know who this is,there is no way you couldn’t recognize this voice.but he lied,he isn’t fine , he is a mess and somebody has to help him.

“so you still stalking me or what?’ you see heachan on the door he just opened.

“ I am not stalking you,this is my secret place I come every time I am s-“

“ no way this is my secret place,the only place in the fucking school where I can be alone”” he says and you feel the sadness in his voice.

Eventually he lets you inside and you both sit in silence as he lits up a cigarette.

“since when you started smoking?”

“since when you care?”

ouch,you didn’t expect  that.

“ I asked first “ you said,hopping he will finally answer.

“ I asked second” he looks at you smirking and you sigh in disappointment.’’  A year and a half”

You look at him “huh?”

“its been a year and a half since I started smoking,that’s what I said” he sends you a dark look but that’s what you wanted to hear.

“good you answered” now its your time to smirk “ Now,why do you smoke?”

“you think im gonna answer?”

“ yes you are”

“someone’s confident,huh?”

Lie,big fat lie, if you gotta be honest right now you are shaking,talking to him like this but you had to.’

“look I am depressed, 9 years ago when me and my parents moved in here, I left all my friends in my old town and its been 9 years since I last saw them,I miss them like crazy and right now im stuck in this town,this hellhole I have nobody here and my parents wont stop shouting at each other and im just done with everyone and everything,I just don’t fucking care anymore” he pauses to smoke “ you happy now, go and tell everyone so they can laugh at me,what are you waiting for?”

You just stand there,frozen so this is all he hides behind his smile and cool personality. this is what makes him smoke in the late hours in the night.this is what makes him go crazy. this is it.

“Im sor-“

“don’t , do not say it” he looked at you with his sad,red eyes. Now they arent’t empty, they are full of hidden emotions .

Since this day you and heachan became friends. He still smoked but at least he felt a bit better but you found yourself  falling more and more for him and the more time you spent with him the more you had to hide your emotions.

One night around 11pm you are ready to fall asleep when you hear a knock at your window , you stand up and see haechan sitting on the tree next to your window.

/ a voice that will reach you wherever you are/

“what the hell are you doing here?” you say,opening your window to let him inside.

“ my parents are shouting the fuck out at each other again and I didn’t want to listen again and the only place I could go is here”

“im happy you came” you say as you both sit on your bed

“me too” he says almost like a whisper but loud enough for you to hear it . he looks up to you with his beautiful eyes.” You know since we started talking  Ive been smoking less,I just don’t feel the need to smoke when I can talk to you about,hm, about everything to be honest”

You coudnt believe your eyes, he really just told you this.

‘’im so happy to hear this haechan,im really so happy for you”

“none of this would have happened if you didn’t stalked me so its your fault , I guess” he says placing his usual smirk on his face

“ I didn’t stalk you,oh my god haechan!” you say both of you laughing.

/dance on the surface to draw and draw and dance all night/

He looks at you with his smile fading and his face becoming serious.” y/n I think I like you” he says all of a sudden. You look at him with wide eyes not believing what you just heard “I know, I know it sounds crazy but anybody has never showed that they care so much about me and the fact that ive been clean for a week shows me that I don’t need weed to get high and forget all my problems for hour or two, the only thing I really need is you and I know it still sounds crazy but I realy really like you you,y/n, I really do.”

/ a scene that openes in front of you when night ends,yes I see/

You were on the verge of crying.” I like you too heachan, Ive always liked you” he looks with eyes full of hope no longer empty and kisses you. A kiss that was way long awaited from both of you and finally happened. When you parted your lips he whispered. “I will quit smoking, I promise” then he pauses “I will do anything to have you,y/n and im not joking’” then he kisses you again.

/ gotta end it tonight to start again,ready for a new flight/

masterlist

[your-localghost]

so um who wants to read a 50 page essay of me and my mom's journey through the IT movies?

too bad you're reading it

so like i saw this goddamm clown, and i, also being a clown, said to my mom, also a clown, "lets watch this clown movie lol" and she said yes. and in the like first five minutes we are already awwing and stuff because??? omg georgie and bill are so cu- oh. oh my god. oh this us not what we thought at all-

so enter Losers. instant RELATE i am also a LOSER hellO?? hAh look at these 2 idiots theyre bickering like an old couple an- oh my fucking GOD of course there are bullies. one of them looks like draco malfoy??? guYs did draco malfoy play in this movie we see him like 2 times-

oh my god oh no poor bill he is trying to find his brother :( but alsO BEV IS SO PRETTY??? IM SO GAY???? and yeah i really feel the New Kid On The Block like same man i didnt even get to meet a pretty girl and a buncho losers who will go jump into lakes with me

OH and the lake scene? it bites me in the ass later. i fucking passed it off as a "theyre bonding" moment and then it transforms into a feelings plane and crashes into my house

--

me: they just keep leaving their bikes

mom: well It takes kids, not bikes

--

fastforward and??? the fight secene?? the fuckijgn fi Ght SCE ne??? o H M Y GO D

bill was so desperate to find georgie?? richie was so scared he would die??? beN BEING SCARED HIS FRIENDS ARE GONE?

i AM ALL OF THESE FUCKERS

and oh?? bev's dad??? hate the vibe this dude gives to me. like this dude def did more than mentally abuse her and im so glad she beat him up

uhHHH??? WHY DOES NO ONE TALK ABOUT EDDIE STANDING UP TO HIS FREAKSHOW OF A MOM??? HOW HE WAS SO MAD????? HE THREW HIS PILLS ON THE GROUND HELLO, HE STRAIGHT UP YEETED HIS FANNY PACK??? MAN the things a gay goes through for his friends

bill's speech on georgie, like, dude just fucking stab me it will hurt way less

fastforward more, the oath??? how scared stan was??? like i ddint really feel any connection with stan other than his actor played my fav character, stan, in ianowt, but uHm? i still love him??? so mUCH???

oOOOH i just realied i didnt talk about mikey

ahem

THE ROCK FIGHT THE FUKING ROCK FIGHT THE ROCK FIGHT OH MY GOD

THESE LOSERS ARE SCARED SHITLESS OF THOSE SHITBAGS BUT THEY SEE ANOTHER LOSER AND THE FIRST THING THEY DO IS THROW R O C K LIKE FUCK YEAH YOU FUCNKY LITTLE MIDDLE SCHOOLERS STAND UP FOR YOUR FELLOW BULLIED I LOVE MIKEY SO M7CH OH MY GOD

__

so between the 2 movies we realized it wasnt on netflix and went on various websites to watch the 2nd movie, got progressively angrier until i got my laptop and just watched it blindly because we are both blind

--

okay heres the tea yall

they completely erased bev's character in the 2nd movie. in the first it was emphesized SO MUCH just how brave she was compared to the others. she took the first step, she wasnt afraid to go into the house she fought her abusive dad and in the 2nd movie it was all gone. i really liked the fact that bev wqsnt a damsel in distress until in the 2nd movie she was. while in the 1st movue you forgot that gender roles existed in the 2nd it really seemed like they wrote bev as a "woman" rather than "bev" you dig me??? okay rant over. basically fuck the 2nd movie bev and im not just saying this because her 1st movie actor made me realize i was a lesbian. on to the movie

oh mY GOD HOMOSEXUALS??? WILL THEY HAVE A PART IN THIS STORY OH MY IM SO EX- oh. right. oh hey theres mikey :D

___

me: who's this??

mom: its bill look, its his surname

me:

me: you remember bill's surname but not richie or ben's names?

---

oh theyre all grown up!! oh bevs fighting an abusive man again and uh

___

mom: i have a feeling stans gonna kill himself

me: hah can you imagi

---

STANLEY??? BABEY BOY OH NO???? and also are we gonna let the spider with the baby head thing pass?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY DONT REMEMBER ANYTHI-

"this is like a virus its been eating us for 27 years!" YEA MIKEY ITS CALLED PTSD YOU FOUGHT A FUCKING DEMON AND DIDNT SEE A THERAPIST????

also the whole tribe thing seemed really out of story and like it didnt belong there at all? idk maybe its just me but i dont wanna believe that bill's 3rd eye opened after he got drugged by his friend idk

so like hightlights because ive got many rants about the 2nd movie

what the fuck do you mean bev got out of jer specilized hell after ben recited 1 fucking poem are you kidding me are yOU FUCKING KIDDING ARE WE REALLY DOING THE SAVED BY LOVE BULLSHIT AGAIN OH OKAY

OH OKAY FUCK YOU

SO BEV GETS SAVED IN THE FIRST MOVIE AFTER BEN KISSES HER WHEN AT THE TIME HE PRIBABLY THOUGHT LOVE WAS AT ITS PEAK WHEN YOU GAVE YOUR 2ND GRADE CRUSH A BADLY WRITTEN POEM

AND UFKCING HELL IT HAPPENS IN THE 2ND MOVIE TOO??? DOES PENNYWISE JUST THINK "oh these bitches hetero bettet keep them alive" BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS WOULD ALL BE OKAY IF

IF

IF EDDIE LIVED TOO

FUCK I RELATE TO RICHIE SO MUCH??? HIS FIGHT WITH HIS PEERS AND HIS FIGHT WITH HIMSELF OVER HIS YEARS LASTING CRUSH ON EDDIE?? OH MY GOD IT WAS SO OBVIOUS THIS MOTHERFUCKER WAS GAY AND I DIDNT REALIZE UNTIL THE 2ND MOVIE WHEN HE HAS A BREAKDOWN BECAHSE HIS SOULMATE GETS STABBED BY HOMOPHOBIC FORTNITE DANCING CLOWN WHILR HE TRIES TO SAVE HIMA DN THEN FUCKIN G DIES EVEN THOUGHT THESE 2 IDIOTS HAD MORE CHEMISTRY THAN BILL+BEV AND BEN+BEV COMBINED OH MY GOD IM SO MAD THE HETEROS GET TO LIVE BY TRUE LOVE BUT THE GAYS DONT AND UG G H H G G HH "hes dead" NO HE FUCKING IS NOT THIS ISNT FAIR I LOVED EDDIE SO MUCH

well uh now that we got my love for richie on papet um

the lake scene

i cried and i had to watch heteros kiss underwater while wiping my tears. its only cool when percabeth does it guys

the lake scene aside i full on BAWLED LIKE A BABY at the ending because i felt so bad that stan died already and i felt bad that not only was richie facing years if bullying and homophobia anf the loss of his friends it finally is confirmed that richie had a crush on eddie and i

i just cried man? it hurt me so much as it weighed on me how many jokes richie made, how scared he was when he saw the missing paper of himself, his flashbacks to people calling him names, his speech to eddie and that he had to get dragged out because this fucker obviously couldnt let go of his feelings. and between all of that and stan's letter my brain blocks out everything and focuses on one

R + E

oh my god

OH MY GOD NO

NOW i dont really like watching movies. as a writer myself im really critical of everything involving the world building, the characters, the plot and all that jazz and usually the acting is so bad that i dont feel for the characters but THIS ONE. T H I S O N E

my mom turned to me and was SO SHOCKED to see my flat out CRYING because i just dont do that man, and she just asked my what made me cry and i just made a noise like "hhhnnnn" and she nodded and went "richie's love story" and i, still crying, went "hhhnnnn" but in a higher pitch

and im just so mad? that eddie didnt get to live?? we didnt get an "i love you" or even a "im gay" from richie??? we didnt get to see them holding hands and letting go of their trauma together and being gay and happy yet

yet the fucking bad-writer-white-boy and boo-hoo-i-had-no-friends and not-bev get happy endings??? mike can get a happy ending because he is a well thought out character

thESE 3 ON THE OTHER HAND OH MY GOD

bill had to change his endings which really makes me angry because ima writer yada yada

bill has been bullied his uh what whole life? he got told his opinion didnt matter and from what i remember even his parents shut down his ideas and i feel like he should have made the endings how he wanted instead of changing to what the public wanted. thats what he defended as a kid, thats why he was in the losers club unwilling to change, because they were losers. yet he changed.

ben should have stayed fat or at least have abnornal weight because that also defeats his story with bev. it makes it seem that suddenly and magically when ben is hot bev can BEGIN to consider that she loves him.

i already ranted about bev.

mike is decent i guess? i like that he didnt stay with whoever the fuck that was in the first movie because he seemed very aggreasive to me. im glad the chose to research into pennywise because others were too stupid not to (RICH AND EDDIE GET A PASS AGAIN BECAUSE THEY SHARE HALF A BRAINCELL AND I LOVE THEM)

well stan is just tragic

___

me: who the fuck is afraid of spiders why do they keep showing up

mom: its stan?

mom: he brought the hair things and all

me, about to cry: oh m y god

---

so TL;DR: we really liked the first film! the acting, the plot, the creepiness is overall better and you get to relate to a bunch of Losers who get abused by their parents

the 2nd film doesnt exist. i refuse to acknowledge it exist EXCEPT for the ending where stan writes a letter about how he would like to meet hks friends again while BREATHING and richie and eddie carve their initials on a piece of wood and get to be gay.

if your name starts with B your opinion is invalid in the 2nd movie

also can anybody give me fanfics where the fortnite dancing clown doesnt exist and richie goes to therapy to heal from the bullying and once he gets over his homophobia he gays with eddie??? specific i know but im willing to write it if it doesnt exist

[onepunchmiss]

OPM s2 e9 Live Blog

“The Troubles of the Strong”

GOSH DANG 2 HOUR COMMUTES FROM WORK I woke up at 4am just to get to work early specifically so I could leave early I could watch this episode sooner because THIS IS THE EPISODE IVE BEEN WAITING FOR FOREVER OK Ive just been vibrating at my desk all day fluctuating somewhere between ‘awerstdyfcvgbjhkn’ and ‘SADFVYNTBGVRFCE’ IM NOT mentally or emotionally prepared so WITHOUT FURTHER DELAY IMMA WATCHHHH

as always I’m watching from the perspective of someone who is up to date on the Web comic and Manga

“I know that head” *Immediatley cuts to opening theme* I SCREAM i wasnt expecting that nor am I prepared to see Zombieman not even the same 2 pictures of him that ive seen all season help my stomach is in knots and i cannot

asdfghjkl I can tell already this live blog is gonna be SOOOOO BIAS just cause IM WAITING for THE THING annd the rest is great and all but I CANT FOCUS ON ANYTHING Im really not gonna do the episode over all justice im sorry sdfghjk

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I CALLED IT IT WAS SONIC THE DOODLE WAS SONIC i was holding my breath cause I knew there was a VERY SLIM CHANCE it would be Z but i felt it in my gut It would be sonic uhg phew ok not dead yet

lol Bakuzan stopping mid boast and just screaming dude you should’ve known then and there to quit oh my god the music is SO excessive right now I’m very distracted it better be part of the gag… or not ok

Saitama just casually explaining stuff I love him so much sweetheart,,, pft “I was bored”, honestly I just appreciate how anime captures the beats every time Saitama delivers a line like that, we expect it but it never fails to make me cackle. Also, “that kind of strength should be illegal” he says to SAITAMA yeah ok

OH!!!! GENOS BB stop getting obliterated please Dr. Kuseno is old what are you going to do when you can’t rely on him for repairs and EYYY Shout out to Atomic, Tatumaki, Flash, and King for the cameos. Genos, are you really underestimating your Sensei like that?? Are you the real genos?????

OH MY GOD DID THEY JUST GIVE SUIRYU A SAITAMA FACE WHAT IS THIS CURSED IMAGE

ok in all seriousness Suiryu’s voice actor is killin it like I legit feel bad for they guy getting dragged by Saitama, U hav my respect Suiryu I still might not like you all that much but damn u makin me feel that character development

THIS IS SUCH A CUTE FACE

guys I love saitama so much be still my heart it hurts ;-; this scene chouldne be as heart warming as it is right now hhhhhhhhhhh

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH PRISONER PRISONER FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFSDGFSDGS I FORGOT U WERE GONNA SHOW UP I HAVE AN ODD LOVE HATE RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR CHARACTER BUT GD ARE YOU ENTERTAINING AS HELL HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYOU BIG HAPPY IDIOT IM SCREAMING IM SO CONCERNED OH MY GOD THEY SHOWED THE BUTT RINGING I FEEL SO CONFLICTED AM I EXCITED?? SCARED?? PROBABLY BOTH

ok ok ok ok ok ok ok so now that the tournament is officially over I know theres still a lot to cover this ep before Z???? BUT my bloodpressure WILL NOT CALM DOWN cause WHAT IF they do thingS OUT of ORDER IM ON HIGH ALERT HIGH ALERT WHAT IF I DIE

OH HI KING HELP IM HAVING ANXIETY YOU KNOW HOW THAT BE RIGHT MY DUDE aw omg how are they both so cute looking right now??? WAIT also that was a smooth transition from Saitama Face™ to serious face woah ?? You know, with all that talk I wonder what the end game is for Saitama? Like, will the series end seriously or on a joke? He gonna find a real challenge or will it somehow be another one-punch? I am completely undecided tbh…

...i wanted king to finish saying “daze” so badly right thereu said yare yare plz give me the meme plz Ok the way Saitama keeps saying ‘Kinggu’ is weirding me out also ng is great and this is very nicely drawn

...plussireaditinamanga… PFFFTTT the VOICE ACTING-- King is such a good friend for Saitama really thank goodness for him ASDFGHJKL THE WHOLE REST OF THE EXCHANGE IS SO GOOD ‘OK JERKOFF’ im d y i n g

I MISSED YOU PLZ COME BACK TO THE REGULARLY SCHEDULED BEING A LIL SHIT PLZ UR BEAUTIFUL also the king movements on the bike looked pretty neato

OK Honestly though why does no one know what the Hero Hunter is supposed to look like?? How is that not common knowledge among heroes by now?????

SCREECHING IM SCREECHING THE SECOND MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THIS EPISODE (i hope???? its running kinda late and I’m worried???????) THE NINJAS THE NINJA DUO ITS THEMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM theyre so pretty i cri ????

OK MONSTER WIND LOOKS REALLY COOL I DIG I DIGGGG also I REALY dig the ominous music  and as this scene is nearing its end MY HEART IS POUNDING HELP  

MARSHALL  GORILLA IM HYPERVENTILATING AND SCREAMING AND MY PALMS ARE SWEATING ARM SPAGHETTI HELP MY EYES ARE WATERING TOO

my hands are shaking as im typing and i cant stop laughing nervously and my through is dry this is NOT NORMAL typing is hard im afraid to push play im afraid

its been 5 minutes i cant push play i cant

I MADE A MISTAKE THEY DIDNT SHOW THE OTHER HEROES FIRST HES ON MY SCREEN I CANT STOP  MY LEGS SHAKING I BREATHE

tfw ive been just mumbling oh my god oh my god nope nope nope for 10 minutes help help help nope

hes on my screen but i cant push play i cant open the tab i cant

everything is so much easier if i didnt FEEL but I have FEELINGS \

I cant even look at him i cant hes too perfect help

30 minutes i can breathe but like shaking ???? ???

ok it only took 45 minutes alright ok ok ok open the tab and PUSH the BUTTON

I lied it took an hour i still cant look at the screen im gonna die this man will be the death of me I CANT GO 2 SECONDS WITHOUT PAUSING AND SCREAMING WHY CAN I REREAD THE CHAPTER OVER AND OVER BUT CANT LISTEN TO HIM FOR 2 SECONDS WHY

OK im gonna start counting how many times I’ve paused from now on its been AT LEAST 8 so lets start there.

9

10

11 long pause his voice im crying his face

12

13 just look at him I cant my stomach

14 “DRAT” help me

15 i keep switching tabs but cant push play again oh no

16

17

18 I just noticed he definitely has eyebrows here asdfghjkl

19

20

21

NO COME BACK TORTURE ME SOME MORE WITH YOUR PERFECT GENERAL PRESENCE that was the most exhausting 1.5 hours asdfghjkl what if they dont make a season 3 what if I never see him in motion again what if i just die

OH MY GOD DRIVE KNIGHT MY MYSTERIOUS SON THANK YOU I CAN BREATHE DISTRACT ME PLZ

WAIT

DESTROCHLORIDIUM I CANT HANDLE THIS EPISODE I JUST REALLY CANT I JUST AND THE HEKKIN CAPTION HE GOT A BAD CASE OF THE RUNS AND OMFG MY FAVORITE GAROU MOMENT FROM THE MANGA THUS FAR NEXT WEEK I !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i… no recap this week. i think my feelings on the ep are obvious.  Thanks for reading and somehow managing to get this far? I appreciate yall so much really. Thank you for following me being nuts as I am. I seriously mean it. I’ll see yall next week with the next with the next episode!

[hotdadlicense]

ahh for my dearest zhenya @fapfapfashion lover! heres that bfu post i said id make for you like monnnnnths ago i PROMISE i never forgot! just :(:( life. but anyway this was FUN i love youuuu! disclaimer: im not rly in the fandom this is all stuff i see through like just some friends reblogging stuff every now and again and whenever i go to the tag to find stuff sometimes but ANWAY I HOPE its semi coherent <3<3<3 love YOU.

OKAY I FEEL LIKE i said YEH ILL MAKE YOU A MASTERPOST FUCK YEAH but now im like hmmm making a buzzfeed unsolved masterpost is.......not that much cos its like? all there on their youtube channels like its not like music or stuff where theres yknow albums! singles! unreleased songs! special live performances! music videos! documentaries! band info! like its all over on buzzfeed multiplayer youtube and buzzfeed unsolved network youtube but whatever i can ramble about dumb shit and link some stuff so ayeee.

heres the links to the actual videos:

SUPERNATURAL

+ season one // two // three // four // five

+ supernatural: postmortem

TRUE CRIME

season one // two // three // four

+ true crime: postmortem

all eps in order (including postmortem)

personal favs

a vid that bab @chantillystars linked me and i watch it every time im feelin not fresh so i can smile

someone elses better done video round up master post! op ur incredible

now under the cut cos i realy did ramble :(

okay so THE HOSTS!

RYAN BERGARA (insta//twitter)

the fucking creator and inventer of bfu its his baby and im so proud of him and how far its come <3

when the season finale of the latest supernatural premiered it trended at number 1 over the fucking new lion king trailer and he got emo on twitter and insta about it and i cried a lil bit

fucking loves sports basketball or whatever themeparks popcorn and paddington bear

not scared enough of ghosts to not sleep in a haunted house but is scared enough that he absolutely will scream the whole entire time that he is in said haunted house

first ghost encounter was on the queen mary when he was a teenager. the ghost knocked his toothpaste of the shelf and he freaked. and now he has shat his pants at every bump in the night since. icon!

works his ass for to produce mass amounts of content for us like its fucking insane? all up there are like 9 seasons of bfu plus post-mortems and its only been going since 2014?? plus everything else hes got happening??

rly sweet and funny but like in a frat boi kinda way but like. a frat boi you could trust?

SHANE MADEJ (insta//twitter)

wasnt actually the original cohost!

(BRENT was the orignal host but had to beg out a couple episodes in cos he was juggling too many commitments so which fair!)

ryan and shane were desk partners and longtime buzzfeed pals that ? if i remember correctly? interned together back when they first started?

ryan turned to shane one day and was like ‘yo, wanna cohost this show with me?’ and shane was like 'sure.’ and honestly trying to picture it now without shane?? okay ryan and shane just bounce off each other so well theyre like a dream team. god bless them being desk buddies and work pals.

shanes a freak

does not believe in ghosts spirits orbs and all things that go bump in the night like he seems to genuinely want to but like. science and his big ass brain wont let him.

very smart! can rly work a patterned floral shirt! or plaid! kinda gives a dad vibe in glasses but then he talks and its like okay please never supervise a child!

v into history! so much so that he has his own lil show on buzzfeed aka:

RUINING HISTORY

stars him along with ryan and sara (his beautiful and smart and talented gf who also works at buzzfeed <3) with some other ever changing cohosts

hes also responsible for The Hot Dog Saga aka THE HOTDAGA and i know there are people that adore it but! in their own words! id rather walk into the sea.

ryan, too, hates the hotdaga and i feel like this was? about the hotdaga after shane sung something fuck if i remmebr

RYAN + SHANE

these gifs are from the ?second ep? i saw of them honestly it rly sums up the ryan/shane dynamic i guess

but like. the way ryan looks and laughs whenever shane says something mildly funny? hearteyes mutherfucker

above when i said shanes a freak? yeah.

ryan letting shane live as long as he has? true friendship

whenever theyre at the lil desk in their lil basement talking cases shane just talks shit and ryan just lets him and i fucking love them

the LAST FRAME

oh one time they lucked out with a hotel that had a jacuzzi tub <3

yknow what? this was actually kinda sweet. like yeh bitch

shane madej: nations greatest tragedy.

i can hear this in my head just looking at these gifs and it makes me laugh everytime and thats BAD cos a child fucking died

shanes a freak pt.2

OH SHIT one time in postmortem they joked that brent was coming back and shane was leaving and fuck? they had to actually address that it was a joke fUCK

its not all shittalking and screaming there really is some fond and happy shit too

bfu most recognisable and iconic line.

shanes hottest pick up lines when hes on site

the comments on the video for this ep about this part are fucking hilarious please read when you watch that ep

okay its common knowledge that shanes a demon which ill tlak about in a sec but THIS SCENE RIGHT HERE? ryans the fucking demon. like the way hes just standing there, hands clasped behind his back, giving shane (whos acting like a CHILD) that Look? demon bout to kill the dumbass chillin at a haunted house on halloween. come to collet a soul or 10. magical!

OKAY SO SHANE TALKS SOME BIG GAME IN THE EPS but HIS love for ryan will always melt my heart like HE LOVES and cares about ryan so much and supports buzzfeed unsolved so much and whenever things get dumb on social media shanes ready to call it out and make a post or just like. praise ryan (like he rightfully deserves) and yeah im emo about it anyway hes shane being cute part one and heres shane REALLY FUCKING going all out (!!!!!!!!!!.meme)i LOVE him also being cute part two

‘id walk into the sea.’

shanes a freak pt.3

ryan: “Are ghosts real?” shane: *this dumb face*

NERDS

i laughed for like 10 minutes the first time i watched this part thankyou shane

THEM LAUGHING TILL THEY CRIED ABOUT SOMEONE THAT DIED PLAYING THE PIANO

a real insight to shanes mind

ryan really puts up with this

shane got a bowlcut once just for funsies like okay youre no joba but good job i guess

TROPES/ICONIC MEMES/WAHTEVER:

shanes a demon

+ free real estate.meme

+ the office.meme

+ he aint right

+ JALDSHFK FUCK

+ ryan acknowledging that shane is a demon thankyou

+ like the good thing about having a guest fill in on the few times shanes been away has been ryan always being like okay so the demons not here so lets just acknowledge That

goatsman bridge

+ the video that started all this aka the one you reblogged hehhehe

+ what a fucking JOKE

+ an absolute JOKE

+ bridge owner fuck OFF

+ ksdjhfgjhsdkj.meme

sallie house

+ shane was insufferable this episode i fell in love for real how did ryan LIVE

+ like imagine trying to feel your heart beating while fucking shanes over there doing That

+ rock n roll buckaroo

+ swell has become apart of my daily vocal i hate

bobby mack

+ ‘hey there demons. its me, ya boi.’

+ ‘and frankly i dont believe in you, so i feel like im writing a letter to santa claus right now.’

+ tweet.meme

+ overall a great ep

+ can shane calm the fuck down okay i need ryan to make it out of this SAFELY and ALIVE

father thomas

+ ryans FACE also shane being that annoying sibling to ur parents

+ father thomas really went into this thinking he could help these boys to be fair shane was taking notes. ryan was just? dying inside

+ freak

+ imagine being like a 70 yr old priest hearing some dudes walking into ur congregation and overhearing ‘jesus said chill.’

bigfoot

+ ryan does not rly believe in bigfoot but shane does so like you win some you lose some

+ in the least shippy way possible this epsiode is ultimate soft gays going on a hike

+ like its just such a sweet domestic ep

+ <3

+ just happy babbey

[emoali]

They say that when you stop arguing thats a sign and i kinda just realised that did happen. I stopped asking him and making him confornt what i was feeling i stopped fighting with him. Idk if thats because I stoped caring or suck at setting boundaries??? Like when it came to his job I didnt want him to be sad truly. But it also made me sad that he just seemes to never realy try at jobs. Why do i feel that way? There must be a reason...i felt it in timeshare...in real estate but im also a put to much into my work...im at the point where I dont care anymore all I want is an apartment where we can grow old... why not with him??? but I can also see doing it alone....

When he didnt pick me up I was sad and I didnt know why... $20 bucks is less than a car payment so why cry over that and i knew his situation... Yet still was hurt

He did sign up for the raid even knowing I had to work and he would need to pick me up. Why do i hold on to this memory?

While iv been flirting with guys for the past year I didnt really hide it well and I did it often... part of me thinks i did want he to find out and then idk...idk if I wanted him to break up with me or confront me and our situation and make him think to try diffrent things to make it better and change?? Idk

Were still kissing saying I love you... like the love is still there ... I want to cuddle with him and be near him still.. I'm still walking around naked Nd sleeping naked..what do i do?

I changed my facebook status a long time ago in the middle of the pandemic

I Know I was going to put a time line on him getting a job...

And I obviously knew this might happen when I signed up for therapy I wrote about it in the pre evaluation ...just feel like it happening fast and the holidays are coming... Do I stick to the time? I think if i move out its my way wanting to grow up but maybe we dont have to split? Cuz of our sex getting interpreted could be the excuse? Wanting to save money could be as well if he doesnt have a job by then... But now that iv been diving deep in this feeling idk if that's enough...im split 50/50 on that...like hes getting better in bed and cleaning (could get better) and hes cooks more for us...just never felt like i got to see what we could be on our own but at the same time that feels like a major excuse... He says he wants to get better and i believe him.... I want to...

The thought of leaving scares the shit out of me....im split 50/50 stay or go I can't decide. I'm able to picture both and be happy with both honestly....i still have hope ...i think i need to continue doing what iv been doing And see what happens in the upcoming months and if we are still seeing red flags.... because I dont want this to be something that happens to quickly. I am afraid that the holidays are going to cloud my thoughts and logical thinking.

We always fall more and more in love during the holidays if I feel in January I still want the new year new me thing then I know I gave it one last shot. 

I said I cant wait to get my own place out load recently... Ouch.. Felt like I was accepting that idea...

Hes always been my go to guy for things to talk about and still is...i was having a bad day at work Thursday and I did call my dad first only cuz of how I left feeling after the last session normally I would call him and it was like 8 am I was thinking  he was sleeping...

After my dad didnt make me feel better I called Brian and was able to vent to him

I do still want to be his friend i send him pics from work and I'm trying... So I think we can get better if we both try...but still not sure...i need to stick to my new routine...think ALOT...keep on the routine...and really explore my feelings...

Can I forgive him and stop thinking about the past???...

I'v been preparing for this for long than i realize...wanting diffrent accounts...my FB status... The job thing is for me...just sucks his moms involved...maybe it will be good to move out even if we dont spit so i just feel depentant on anyone...ughhh

I have my exit plan its just wondering if thats what i want... I have alot to think about

[modiintrainguy]

Confusion Reigns

December 19, 2019, 6.43am

 I can’t stop thinking about this.

That i am now constantly seeing everything through the prism of “ADHD” or an “ADHD brain” as AL says.

And as he says, an ADHD brain does not mean you have “Attention Deficit” and “Hyperactivity”.

It is about not being able to use “executive function” properly so you you find it very hard to make decisions. That you know what you should do and why you should do it and really you usually know how you do it - but something stops you from actually doing it. something about how its very hard to get from the back brain to the front brain.

Which has always been my problem - it shows, from how i always put homework off, to the extreme anxiety i felt with the product marketing job at sbt where i had to make a plan and implement it by myself.... let alone cleaning up at home and doing dishes and planning shabbat meals and dealing with finances and making a schedule for the month with the kids and stuff.

he says that one of the issues is having no discernable end to the task plus overwhelm, as i wrote in the previous post.

he also says that people with an “adhd brain” get frustrated quickly whihc can lead to anger.

also....

Therefore i think alot that  this could be why the therapy + medication approach to my “depression” over the last 20 years hasnt really worked.

if the problem is the “adhd brain,” then trying to make me “happier” by 

giving me drugs to increase serotonin and/or dopamine and norepinephrine to supposedly make me happy

encouraging me to relax and then use my rationality to realise what the real problem is  

think about what made upset as a child and how that influenced me as an adult, 

do cbt to focus on the realy problem

isnt going to work. 

because even if i feel happier or think rationally, i still dont get over the hump and do what i need to do or become less frustrated because the “adhd” brain stops me from doing the rational thing even if i know what it is and im relaxed. 

maybe thats why when i do exercise i feel good at the time because my minds off the problem but the problem hasnt gone away and when i come back from a run its still there and even i feel ok after a run i still cant deal with it so i feel just as crap as before after ive had a shower!

but then: the issues...

So the issue i have is that it seems too good to be true - is this the reason i am so bad at getting stuff done and i become so rude?

take the last few days, when i snapped at the mrs over little things, including: whether she really understood or meant it when she said having a bath has the same affect as running which supposedly has an antidepressent affect due to increase in dopamine or something. or when i got annoyed when i asked her whether she asked the wall painter guy to come at 8am and she said “i sent him a message” instead of saying what was in the message was can you come at 8am.

The issues therefore are:

is it ok to blame it all (or most of it) on me having an “adhd brain? it seems like it is the main problem but is that a cop out?

one sec, how do i know i have an “adhd brain” - i haven’t been diagnosed, so should i be? is there a real accurate diagnosis u can get anyway. and will i get it done considering my main problem is putting things off!?

even if i am diagnosed and it seems this is the main problem, what the fuck do we do now? can i actually get over the hump and get things done and not be rude when im stressed?

how bad can i be, considering i still get things done ok. 

like, i invited a kid over yesterday who we met in the park on shabbat and whose mum is a psychologist who speciallises in adhd among other things and is into DBT and hypnotherapy and a but of mindfulness and her husband has been diagnosed with adhd. she said she thought our apartment is very neat and i told her ivebeen at home alot the last few weeks. and she was suprised cos her husbanad never does things like clearing up (and i used to do alot less when i didnt have kids so have i somehow improved or was it just out of neccesity? although now i clean the floor alot but is it cos i love the dyson?)

One other thing...

I was thinknig something else. (dont worry its connected).

it seems is that i leave everything to the last minute but when i do that with something i actually need to do, then i usually have a plan of how it can get done, so i set a deadline and work out exactly what needs to be done when and assume that is the only way that it can be done.

then when i need other people to do things to help me get it done, i most probably havent told them about their role in advance and then i get annoyed and frustrated when they dont do exactly what i need them to do as quickly as possible, when really, they didnt know i expected to do that, and anyway they might have a different idea of how to get this thing done,but im totally convinced my way is not only the best way but the only way! so i get annoyed and hurry them up and then get worried that we’re not going to do the thing on time and that will be a disaster and i almost implode.

this can be for anything - a good example is leaving on time for shul so we get to the children service to (although get the kids up and ready and out the house in the morning or getting them to bed before it becomes “too late” are also perfect examples). 

when i decide we should go to shul cos otherwise shabbat is just a long nothing cos we wont drive, and theres no point going to shul if we’re going to miss the chjildrens service at 10 because we dont do anything else when we are there apart from play, then it all becomes a rush. but at the same time, the mrs doesnt know im thinking that, cos some weeks im less urgent, the kids dont really understand time and dont care as long as they get to wear their nice dresses, and im all rushing and angry and frustrated.

see what i mean.

anyway better get the girls up - mrs has already gone to work cos we have littleruns chanuka party at gan today. (fucking hell planning how we are all ggoing to get there on time was a headfuck - believe me. although we’ve done it!)

[dustiesmasseffect]

You used to be realy active and nice and freindly, and now it seems like you only reblog art and talk to your blogger freinds who you write MEL with. You ignor asks and you ignor fandom memes. What happened to suporting smaller bloggers? What hapened to you? Its like you got populer and just forgot about your old friends.

Hi Anon-

TBH, this message took me by surprise.

Let me try and unpack your Ask a bit because I feel likeperhaps I hurt feelings or did something wrong unintentionally. I also could gointo all the things happening in my life on the other side of this screen, butyou don’t need a bio (and I don’t think I should have to write one either).

First of all, I will say that I did actually make a postback in October about stepping back from the blog. This was a purposefuldecision of mine because I was spending a lot of my days in front of mycomputer during work, after work, andon the weekends scheduling and tagging posts. I was putting up 4 posts an hourfor 24 hours at the time, meaning I was tagging and scheduling nearly 100posts/day. I did this for several MONTHS. My social life took a dive, mysleeping schedule took a dive, and I wasn’t doing anything but running theblog. I call(ed) DME my “second job” when I talked about it with myfriends. That’s how much time I was spending on it.

Until about 2-3 weeks ago, I had cut the schedule back to 2posts/hour with a small queue running for a few hours during the middle of thenight. That’s still a lot of work for me, but it allowed me some personalpursuits off of the computer which is what I need to recharge.

With the new Andromeda trailers dropping more frequently andfandom content going into overdrive, I’ve had to up my posting schedule againto even try and keep up. Even when I’m “on top” of things I find I’mstill behind and I’m not catching up.

This breaks my heart because I feel like I’m letting peopledown. I am only one person though, so it’s important that it’s understood thatI’m doing the best that I can.

As for only reblogging art, I am sad to say that this istrue and I feel HUGELY guilty about it. The main reason why this happens isthat I want to read every piece of fiction I post and reading a story takes alot longer than looking at a work of fan art. I honestly have about 200 storiesfrom the fandom in my drafts that I want to read before I post. It’s horribleand rude and terrible of me. I can’t read it all like I want, I haven’t readANYTHING for fun in months, actually, because I’m too tired to when I finallyget to bed. It’s an excuse, yes, but it’s the truth.

I try to talk to everyone that messages me. Sometimes I’mable to reply right away and other times it can take me a week or two (ormore!) to answer. I’ve never been the best at conversations, even though I ambetter at written ones than verbal ones. (I am also terrible with replies because they take me forever to do.)

As for only talking to @omegastation and other MEL folks,that’s blatantly untrue and I’m not really sure where that assumption camefrom. I am sorry if it appears that way, but it’s definitely not the case. Yes,we talk, but those discussions of late are incredibly short and MEL business related andless of fun, “Hey what’s up and how are you doing?” convos.

In regards to Asks and memes, I actually try to answer asmany asks as I can and I often answer privately because that’s what’s warrantedby the message I’m sent. As for other Asks, I put a lot of time and thoughtinto them and they can take me quite a while to answer. However, because ofyour message, I’ve tried to go through as many of them as I can because it wasa task I had been neglecting. There are a couple of them that I will take sometime to answer still, but for the most part, I hope I’ve caught up.

Memes are also something that take me awhile to do. HonestlyI love(d) doing them for quite a while, but I became overburdened with themquickly. I also stopped getting emails from Tumblr over a year ago, so I onlysee posts I’m tagged in if I happen to see the tag in my notifications.Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. Getting tagged in something is an honor andI am really happy that people think of me when they do them. 

It’s incrediblydifficult for me to do memes though because I want to do them right and notfast. I also get stressed and anxious about tagging other bloggers and doingchain messages because I always feel like I’m leaving people out and I don’twant others to have hurt feelings by not getting a message/tag. It’s a funpractice, but it can also cause hurt unintentionally. I kinda unofficiallystopped doing them for this reason. I want to tag EVERYONE, but I can’t, so Ijust don’t do them.

I support everyone and try to do so fairly. I’ve spent mostof my time in the tag now for the better part of a month, reblogging as much asI can. I know I’m missing posts but that’s basically because there is SO MUCHNEW CONTENT I cannot keep up. I try to reblog and showcase as many differentpeople and blogs as I can, but with the sheer amount of stuff going aroundright now, I am bound to miss some. I have considered opening my submissions tohelp with this, but in all honesty I prefer to reblog.

I haven’t forgotten about anyone. In reality this franchisehas a huge fan base and our “little” community that existed sixmonths ago has grown again as people have started coming back to Mass Effect asAndromeda approaches. Mass Effect 3 sold over 3.5 million copies on its own in itsFIRST MONTH OF RELEASE, which means that there are a TON of fans out there.Some of the fans weren’t as vocal until the Andromeda hype machines startedfull blast, but they’re back and excited now, and I’m happy that everyone ishere.

The thing is that now the community feels bigger and lesscohesive than it did last year. It’s not really, but it FEELS that way andthere’s so much content being produced daily that folks like me, who want toget as much Mass Effect in one spot, are having a hard time collating andorganizing it all. I physically can’t keep up, even if I spend all my wakinghours doing it.

Yes, I realize that perhaps my break seemed like I wasturning my back on the community and that’s definitely not the case. I had to step back for me and my mentalhealth. I miss the community and the friends I have here for sure. I misswriting! I miss talking to people about their Sheps. I miss lots of aspects ofTumblr that I was more active in 6 months ago. But I could not and cannot keepup with it all without it being detrimental to my life outside of the computerscreen.

I’m trying. I really am. I am sorry if I somehow missed apost of yours and didn’t reblog it. I’m sorry if there are mutuals who feelthat I’ve not boosted them enough. I’m sorry if I’ve left IM messagesunanswered. To be honest, I hardly feel “popular” and I kind of feelthe most hurt about that remark more than anything.

My goal has always been to make this blog a nice place forpeople to appreciate a game franchise they love and I hope I’m still doingthat, even if I’ve been unable to be directly in the thick of things for awhile now.

This is already much longer than I intended (or than itshould be) but clearly this is a topic that should be addressed.

I can only apologize for my extended “satellite” absence and ask for theunderstanding as to why I needed to and continue to do it.

Sincerely,Marina, AKA Dustie

[baguettewithham]

Any Other Way

Prompt #2: “Are you okay?” “Of course, why?” “You have on two different shoes.”

Alexander and Thomas had been dating for a few months the first time it happened. He had been up all night writing and debating with strangers who disagreed with him on his blog. His birthday was the next day, which didn’t make his mental state any better.

John and Lafayette just wouldn’t stop texting in the group chat. He was trying to write something and had asked them to text in their chat if he wasn’t saying anything, but they just said he could text back later. Finally, he gave in and read the texts.

23:27 ham&cheese, turtle <3er, baguette 
baguette: but what if he does not actually like me? what if he just likes how i look? 
turtle <3er: oh please, it’s herc 
turtle <3er: of course he likes you, he’s liked you for years 
baguette: realy? 
turtle <3er: yes !!!! 
baguette: *really 
baguette: okay so i should go for it? 
baguette: mon petit lion, qu’est-ce que tu penses? 
ham&cheese: i think you should both shut up and let me work for once

It took him a second to realize what he just did.

23:34 ham&cheese, turtle <3er, baguette 
ham&cheese: oh shit wait 
ham&cheese: i didn’t mean that 
ham&cheese: that was extremely rude and mean and i’m sorry oh my gosh 
ham&cheese: i swear i didn’t mean that i’m just having a bad night and i’m trying to get work done and the buzzes were annoying me and i didn’t think and im sorry 
turtle <3er: alex calm down 
turtle <3er: its okay you’re under pressure and we should’ve listened when you told us to switch chats 
ham&cheese: no i shouldn’t have said that no matter wtf was going on 
baguette: alex i am coming over calm down

He almost started crying when he realized what was going on. Instead of being offended, Laf was trying to make him feel better.

23:41 ham&cheese, turtle <3er, baguette 
ham&cheese: nonono im fine stay home 
baguette: are you sure? 
ham&cheese: omg yes im sure 
baguette: well then go see thomas 
baguette: i may have accidentally caused him to worry. 
ham&cheese: what? nvm i’ll just call him

Alex sighed and pulled up Thomas’ number. He clicked the call icon and waited for him to pick up, which took approximately three seconds.

“Alex? Are you okay? Laf said you snapped, but I don’t know what that means.” He could hear the worry that resonated in his boyfriend’s words.

“Thomas, I’m fine. I’m a bit stressed, and I said something rude. That’s it.”

“I swear on… something really important that if you’re not telling the truth, I will come over there and… I don’t know, probably just cuddle you to death.”

A surprised laugh burst out of him. “Cuddle me to death?”

He heard the rustle of clothing that meant he had shrugged his shoulders. “Hey, it could happen.”

“Then it wouldn’t be cuddling; that’s called suffocation.”

“Whatever.” There was a brief pause. “Are you sure you don’t want me to come over? It won’t take very long, probably just-”

“Thomas, go to sleep. I’m fine; I’ll see you at ass-o’clock in the morning.”

“You too. I…”

After a second, Alex prompted, “Thomas?’

“What? Oh, nevermind. Happy early birthday, see you tomorrow.”

For a long time after Thomas hung up, he just sat there.

23:52 ham&cheese, turtle <3er, baguette
ham&cheese: done. im okay, both of you can go to sleep now

Alex went to sleep before his friends responded.

—

The next day, he found himself even more antsy than the day before. He was jotting ideas down all through breakfast (a Nutri-Grain bar and Diet Coke) and got so distracted writing that he was almost late leaving. After changing in about a minute, he ran down to his car and speeded to work.

Thankfully, his way to school wasn’t blocked by traffic or pedestrians. He managed to make it in early enough to visit his boyfriend. On his way to his own room, he was intercepted by the man himself.

“Alex! Hey, Alex!” He whirled around, smiling when he saw who it was.

“Hey! I was gonna come see you after I put up my stuff.”

Thomas caught up to him. “Happy birthday babe! Now I can come see you. What’s up?”

The small talk continued into his classroom. They had cleaned up some of the cubbies and gone through the movie collection when John appeared in the doorway.

“Oh. Hey, Jefferson.” Alex looked up and saw his best friend. “I can come back later if-”

“Nah dude, what’s up?” When John didn’t immediately answer, he walked over and closed the door behind them.

“I was just checking to make sure you’re really okay. Last night was weird, and you didn’t answer our texts.”

Alex tilted his head, getting out his phone. “Sorry, what texts?” Sure, enough, Lafayette and John had texted him.

23:56 ham&cheese, turtle <3er, baguette 
baguette: are you sure? i can still come over 
turtle <3er: yeah, we can just have a movie marathon or something 
turtle <3er: i mean we have work tomorrow, but when has that ever stopped us 
baguette: alexander? are you okay? 
turtle <3er: alex? 
turtle <3er: he’s probably just asleep 
baguette: peut-être, he didn’t answer my call

“Oh! Sorry. I was rushed this morning and forgot to check my texts.”

6:59 ham&cheese, turtle <3er, baguette 
ham&cheese: sorry, didn’t see these. im good !!

He looked up from his phone and smiled. “Well, I have some last minute things to do before school starts, so I gotta go.”

“Dude, school starts at 8! I didn’t know you were referring to Jefferson as a thing now!” John said with mock surprise.

After gasping and sputtering, Alex pushed his friend into his own room.

“Go organize plants or something. I’m gonna try and put the image of my students walking in on us out of my head.”

John laughed as he was manhandled into his room. “Please, keep the birthday sex to a minimum; there are children!”

Rolling his eyes, he responded, “Please, we aren’t idiots. Also, you’re one to talk, Mr. I-dropped-my-napkin-and-couldn’t-find-it-for-5-minutes.”

“One time!” They laughed for a few seconds before john’s face got serious. “Okay, but seriously, you are okay right? I mean, I know how you feel about your birthday, but are you good right now?”

Alexander took a moment to calm himself from being treated like a child. “I’m okay. Seriously, if I’m not I’ll get you to watch the kids for a few minutes.”

“Would me telling you to go home change your mind?”

“What do you think?” They glared at each other for a few seconds before John sighed and put a hand over his eyes.

“Go home Alex.”

He scoffed and walked back into his room, already back to the essay he was putting together at breakfast. As a result, he barely noted Thomas looking at him oddly.

“Alex, are you okay?”

“Course, why?”

“Um… you’re wearing two different shoes.”

Alex’s eyes shot to his feet before groaning. The shoes looked similar at first glance, but one was brown and the other was black. “Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just a busy morning.”

“Are you sure? Laf was telling me last night about-”

“I said I’m fine, can we not just drop it? Nothing is wrong!” He didn’t notice his eyes were closed until he felt Thomas touch his face.

He opened them to see nothing but worry in his boyfriend’s eyes. “Alex, I think you should take the day off. If you get like this with your kids, it won’t turn out well.”

“That’s not-”

“Alexander.”

After a moment, he sighed. “I hate my birthday.”

Jefferson looked at him oddly. “Pardon?”

“I already have, like, five mother hens constantly freaking out over my health. On my birthday, suddenly everyone needs to tell me that I look too tired or that I should take the day off. I’m still not used to all these people caring about me, and it makes me uncomfortable sometimes.”

His boyfriend looked at him and took his hand. “I’m not trying to be overbearing. I’m not trying to annoy you or shield you. I just…” he raked a hand through his own hair, “well, I guess now is as good a time as any. Alex, I think I love you.”

Alex stood in shock for a moment before slowly wrapping his arms around Thomas.

“Fine, I’ll go home,” he mumbled into his shirt. “But I’m texting you all day as retribution.”

Thomas smiled and dropped a kiss to his boyfriend’s forehead. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

[survivormoheli]

Episode Twelve - “Phoenix i just want u to know u that  i don't think of u just as an object to buy me things” - Tara

Tara

i'm genuinely rly sad about richie leaving. i wish i put in more effort to talk to him n b friends w him bcos he has such a fun character. what stopped me was i knew he thought i was a leaker and i just thought he wouldn't of wanted to b friends w me but i should've tried to make him want 2 b friends w me anyway lol i'm sorry richie u deserve better

Blake

HOLY MOTHER OF GARBAGE WE PULLED THAT OFF! LYNN AND TARA SAVED MY ASS TONGIHT! GIVING ERIC FAKE PROMISES FOR THE FUTURE! OMG IM SOO HAPPY WOW I HONESTLY THOUGHT MY BUTT WAS GOIN HOME OMG! WOWOWO ERIC WANTED ME OUT. goodluck phoenix and tim AND ERIC >:0 FINAL THREE ME LYNN AND TARA

Blake

o and i was scared earlier bc eric was talkin to lynn about gettin me voted out but lynn finessed the shit out of him! and then i was scared shitless bc raffy omg he does not enjoy me at all lmao! inhope me and him can make up after this game!

Blake

Lynn: My love. My sunshine. My better half. I will see you soon <3 You better win this effing game! Show everyone you are a threat. I love you and we were together from the beginning now finish this without me! Tara: OOOO Tara they have done me dirty! Fight in my memory! CONQUER THIS LAND <3 Fight like I know you can! I am going to miss you too though! This game better end soon lol Eric: OOOOOOO ERIC if im going home you must’ve flipped…. RIP. GREAT MOVE THOUGH I respect your gameplay from turning yourself into a threat instead of continuing to be a goat! Richie: I still think you’re a threat! I wish you the best of luck (you are going to need it bc look at all the amazing players left)! Pull some big moves make me love you! Give me more than humor I wanna see you kill and stab ahha! Phoenix: Where are you? Big move maybe? You planning to ride Richie to the end? Tim: Well played you got two big threats out simultaneously from flipping! Taking something from my book I see? LOL (I’m not being sarcastic btw) Everyone: OK ANYONE OF YOU CAN WIN THIS GAME! PULL SOME BIG MOVES, BLINDSIDE SOME PEOPLE, AND DON’T LET THIS GAME’S SNAKINESS DIE OUT! EVERYONE PLAY TILL THE VERY END TO WIN! THINK ABOUT WHO YOU THINK YOU CAN WIN AGASINT. MAKE SOME HUGE MOVES! IM SO EXCITED TO SEE WHAT YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO DO!

(what i wud of said if i went home tonight at the F7 tribal)

Eric K

That was a stressful lead up to tribal. Richie was really trying to convince me to flip but it just didn't feel right. Why would il allign myself with people I've barely talked to and just trust that I'm not on the bottom? Of course I realize that Blake is a huge threat and needs to go before f3 or he will be the winner. I had a good chat with Tara and Lynn separately and we all agree that he needs to go. Hopefully it'll happen in two tribals from now since he has an advantage/immunity that can only be used at next tribal.

Tim

So Raffy and JG voted for me? They really think I was playing some middle when in reality I was just being social and going into survival mode. Like Raffy I didn't even vote for you to go home so fuck off and JG you went home because of the blind round and you dont even have any proof that I voted for you so bye!

Blake

Hi yes Goodmorning. I woke up from my peacefull slumber and was INTERROGATED! TIM i guess was like ima ask who Blake wants  int the F3 and i was shook bc none o my allies were awake or off doing something to help me formulate a response... AND WELLL PEOPLES BLAKE IS NOT THE BEST AT JUST NOT RESPONDING OR GIVING A GOOD RESPONSE! TIM asked if i was takin tara and lynn to F3 or Tara and Eric (really cnfused bc i thought i was obvi i was takin lynn not matter what?) SO ME BEING THE GENIUS THAT I AM AND NOT REFUSING T RESPOND SAID "  Well i want to win so I wanan go with ppl who I think I can win against" in all honesty im scared if i said someting with names eric might freak or some shiz! bc i am taking tara and lynn. i know i could of lied and said im takin lynn and eric but that just sounds rude. you know taking? lol. oooo WELL NOW TIMMY IS PLEADING HIS CASE WITH ME. I REALY LIKE TIM TBH. PHOENIX IS THE ONLY PERSON HERE WHOO DOES NOT TALK TO ME OR TRY TO AT ALL ITS REALLY RUDE. BUT OMG THIS IS THE LORDS DAY AND IM FEELING ATTACKED

Blake

The lords day is Timmy's day today

Blake

I just had i thought. I think the winner of this game will either be more or whoever takes me out. (TIM) STAY AWAY. maybe it wont even be me and i think to highly of myself XD

Tim

The longevity of my game relies on these immunity results. If I win, I fight on to another round. If I lose then... well looks like I can't afford to lose.

Blake

OBVIOUSLY MY ASS HOLE IS GOING NEXT ! SOOOOOOOO WOW I HATE EVERYTHING AND NOT KNOWING WHAT THIS ADV WAS

Lynn

OHMYGODSHAHSBSB i feel like this vote is gonna go to rocks and that is gonna be rocks between 3 people and odds are not in my favor ajsjdn i have awful luck ohhhhh my god okay well honestly going out by rocks isn’t the worst way to go 

Blake

OMFG ok im like 99% sure that i am safe! bc i think tara and lynn will vote for tim! all we hav to do is get phoenix to flip! omg this is stressfull i hate i hate! WHY AM I BEING TARGTED ALL THE TIM OMG AHHHH! ERIC IM COMING AFTER UR ASSHOLE U BETTER WATCH OUT BUD U BETTER KEEP WIINNING OR U R GOING HOME!

Tara

omg so just got back from hanging out w phoenix n had a bunch of fun! we watched love simon and i had to try not to cry like 5 times, happy tears tho. also ijust remembered like a couple rounds ago i said that i would get phoenix to buy me ice cream and he offered but i said no!! and now i realised it ruined my whole thing n yikes! i guess the offer counts? and he also bought me m'n'ms which i am eating now n they r delicious. also phoenix i just want u to know u that  i don't think of u just as an object to buy me things HAHHAHA fbdksf i REALLY ENJOYED HANGING OUT WITH YOU!!! and i hope we do it again sometime soon!!!!! sorry for forgetting u're lactose intolerant like twice. but ya phoenix was super fun. hopefully this is the start of a new alliance!! i think this round i'm going to vote tim bcos i feel like it'll make f5 a lot more cruisier and less stressful for me than having to rely on lynn not flipping on me or anyone else not flipping on me. hopefully eric can win immunity again so we can vote out blake. it was rly weird talking about game with someone face to face? and like planning about it and stuff. idk thank u phoenix for the fun day out!! also I MADE F5!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i can't believe i did that!!!!!!!!!!!!! woooh!!!

Eric K

I am so happy that I won two immunity challenges at once!! I chose the advantage hoping that this would be a good chance to take out Blake. Since I talked to Tara and Lynn about eventually cutting Blake out, I think this would be a good opportunity. I just hope he does not have some sort of advantage to screw this up...

Tim

So I lost the challenge and I'm not dissapointed in myself, Im just unhappy that I couldn't win the challenge when I most needed to. And now I'm in jeopardy.

Tim

So Eric pretty much nominated me and Blake up for elimination which sucks harddd. I guess I have new hope in the game. It sucks that he didn't just do Blake and Phoenix but I guess he considers us his biggest competition to win. 

Tim

So Ive been heavily campaigning to Tara and Eric but who knows how this will turn out. Hopefully Eric just lets me go to rocks.

Eric K

I am very frustrated that Tara is not willing to go for Blake. The things she's saying are making me think that she would rather keep Blake long term and is potentially just using me... Even with me voting Blake, the numbers wouldn't be there and I would be outing myself early on. I guess I just have to keep on winning immunity challenges and hope I am not being played.

Tara

omggg so the most awkward thign happened i tried to call tim bcos i felt rly bad that we hadn't talked all season and i genuinely rly like him n i just wanted to chat but he turned it into a plea session, idk why i didn't expect that, n then i just like waited it out until he stopped fkdfs and then he started talking 2 me about his day so yay but then he was like ok i'll go grab some food and i was like ok seeya tim sorry about everyhting n he was like so you are voting me? and i was like yaa i'm sorry and then it just got rly awkward and silent and he was just looking at his computer screen like looking like he was about to cry and it wasl ike FIFTEEN WHOLE SECONDS of like silence and oh my god. i am an awful person. i love u tim. i'm glad i voted him out bcos i don't rly trust eric all that much but it forces him to work w me now so he can vote out blake n lynn n then  i can hopefully take phoenix to f2 or convince eric to take me to f2. yayayyyay can u believe i'm here and i have a PLAN go me

[imlovedandalive-blog1]

First Journal Entry.

I wrote this today but on another platform. Just making this to keep track of my life.Just going to paste it here.

“   I want to leave some sort of trail to look back on in a few years. Ill just sum up the last few years. From 2014-now 2018. In 8th grade I really started to make lifelong friends. It was one of my favorite years of school with Ms. Cooper as my ela teacher. My friend Diego also became one of my best that year and he still is. Same with Bryan. I am much closer with Bryan today. I also was really good friends with both Zachs. Although I have compeltely lost contact with them. Havent talked to either of them since 9th grade. That year kinda sucked. I barley had any good classes or classes with friends. I did start talking to my other really good friend Tyler that year. Also my friend nick who I havent really seen recently. Nothing eventful happened that year. Skip forward to the end of 9th grade and I started talking to kara. I was so fucking happy that a girl actually liked me and wanted to date. I was super nervous but we went out on a date and it went really well. I felt on top of the world. I always had a weird vibe about her. She a few months in became controlling and abusive. Made me bleed a few times. My whole family hated her. And her own family were mean to her. After all she did to me, I still felt bad for her and I still do in some ways. When she was nice she was the nicest girl in the world. When she was mean, she was evil. I dated her from the end of 9th grade to the end of 10th grade to almost the start of 11th. She broke up with me after a year and 2 months. August 8th. When she did I has a panic attack and almost fainted. But being the cruel person she is, she led me on for another month or so making me think she was going to get back with me, I had my hoped up so high and I missed her so much. Eventually she just said its over for real, but always left a little hope by saying "one day". It had me fucked up for months after. I should have cut ties sooner. It only hurts more. That is one big lesson I learned. Do not keep in touch with your ex if you want to get over them. Then in may I made the mistake of going to see her at the mall. Which only ended terrible. She made me pay for her food and tried to kiss me. i wanted to so bad but i didnt. I dont know why. She got mad. I forget why. She left and i was alone in the mall crying in the corner bench where bestbuy used to be. Rewind a bit. Start of 11th grade I started a band with bryan. it was called out of breath and it was me, bryan, diego and george. Diego was only in for a day. I love diego but he just was so bad and didnt practice the songs at all. He isnt as into music as me and bryan are. Which is ok. one whole year later we finally got our first show. By that time we had made about 30 songs. Only of which 5 actually made it onto the demo we are proud of. So now its 12th grade. In the july before 12th started, This girl jessica messaged me. She said I was cute and she wanted to keep talking to me. She was In florida at the time with her dad. I waited a whole month for her to get back. But just before we went on a date I got really sick after spending a few nights at jimny peak for my grandpas birthday. My throat hurt so bad. I didnt eat for 5 days. barley drank. I finally got better and ate and drank as much as i could. When i went to the hispital i had dreams about drinking apple juice and soda. It was the worst. I probably lost 5 pounds. Finally I went on the date with jess. i really did like her. She was only 15 however. We saw anabelle or something. I forget. I had a realy nice time and the feeling of someone else laying on me and holding me was something i really really missed. I was so happy. She was just really immature. She had depression and lots of problems. We broke up after she got drunk with a bunch of 20 something year olds. I cant stand drinking, smoking or drugs. And I am so fucking serious. I am done with that after what she did. A few days about a week before that happened. This girl krystal had moved back from florida. In 9th grade I would always see her. apprently we used to talk in homeroom but i dont remember that at all. She was one of those girls i just didnt think i was allowed to talk to. There are still those fucking people. The ones you cant talk to. You know what i mean. Thats all she talked to too. All the girls i had been friends with and now i wasnt. For the better honestly. They turned into druggies and whores. But she moved back after a few years in florida. i didnt think much of it. The  she liked all my pics on ig and i did the same. She also sent me a pic on christmas eve. I almost replied. i didnt tho. The next night she actually messaged me. She sent a heart face to my snap story. we started talking and i really started to like her even tho I had a girlfriend. Within 5 days of the breakup we started dating. We saw insideous. I was beyond happy and had never felt this before ever. Its also sad and tragic that the week leading up to that all my friend just roasted the shit out of her and called her a whore and said i shouldnt feel bad if i just ignored her. That made me a little sad but whatever. She then explained that she used to party get drunk and did xanax. Talk about a fucking turnoff. It still bothers me and sometimes i cant sleep. Why the fuck would you want to drink poison? I swear people who drink are fucking retarded. When you all have liver failure youll see whos right. And she claims that her step dad is dope for giving her weed money. Parents who love their fucking kids dont give them weed money. Literally fuck off with that shit. Weed is also the drug of choice for many LOSERS. I guess she doesnt anymore. But still the fact that she was a fuck up partier whore who slept with 2 people she wasnt in a relationship with. pisses me the fuck off. If you dont wanna almost get pregnant dont take xanax when youre drunk you fucking cunt. Sorry. i love her. And i feel like shes fading from me honestly. Yesterday at lunch we just didnt talk. And we barley have since then. we used to all the time. Shed leave me paragraphs. None of that anymore. She also always has a fucking attitude when I ask anything any boyfriend would. And she never comforts me when Im sad. She never fucking talks things through or tries to see my side of the fucking story. My feelings dont matter when we argue. If shes mad, im wrong. If shes sad, im wrong. It hurts me beyond belief  and we never accomplish anything. When you argue you need to see each others side. Maybe just both say sorry and move on so you both feel like you win. When she cries i hug and kiss her and say its all gonna be ok. When i cry. She looks away. When im sad she doesnt do anything. She said she sucks at comforting people. How hard is it to kiss me or hug me when im sad? you dont need to say anything. She really hurts me sometimes and makes me feel like i dont mean as much as i did. i also really dont want her to leave for the navy. Because if that happens. you know what happens. You grow apart. You fall out of love. Thats the sad truth. I dont want that. I also still feel like shes cheating or shes goig to cheat on me with someone when she goes to florida during break. With one of her guy "friends". Or smoke weed or drink. if i find out she smoked or got drunk. i am leaving her. no trace. "sober eyes are the truest ones" and i refuse to be with someone who smokes or drinks for fun. Poison. Ok thats allup until now. Im sitting her and have been writing for 30 min. Today was weird. But I still feel sad. She doesnt seem into me at all. She doesnt ask to see me. She never even messages me first. I know its dumb, but it hurts me.”

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i feel neutrally tired about all of this. you know, i’m not angry or sad or stressed, i’m just kind of tired of this whole routine. it’s become glaringly obvious that this man is very very spoiled and ungrateful. 

yesterday was a fine day. he took me to the farm to get a pumpkin like i asked. he bought me food and was overall really nice and in a good mood - he was focused on pei and the things he would do or need for his trip. i felt comfortable and relaxed despite not even having weed and not having much sleep. 

this morning when we woke up, we had sex and i went about my morning - made a tea, had a smoke and he had a shower. he asked his mother for the survey plans for their cottage in pei so he knew what to prepare for when he wanted to build this garage (the whole 6 month master plan’s goal). she said she would have to look. this set off a chain reaction - he went to look for a crock pot the family owned but he had never used ad couldnt find it immediately, when his mother offered cookig advice he freaked out ad then when she asked him about a few set of chores he was supposed to do, he freaked out again.

at this point i had literally spoken no words from when we had sex. i was just passively floatig throughout the house, gathering my things just to be organized. i went to look at what he was actually making and he said something like “i’m going to drive you home after this i want to do my own thing and i dont want to be around you”. to be fair, he couldve said “people” - i’m ot entirely sure what i heard but it more likely sounded like you. i simply turned around, got my bag from downstairs, got my stuff from outside and walked home. i did not even reply or say goodbye - theres not even a point. like i would get either some argument about how he said he would drive me home or a grunt goodbye; both still equally rude replies. 

but i was kind of proud of how i reacted very immediately and without hesistation. i didt think like ~what would he want or ~whats appropriate to do. i just did what i wanted to do which was leave. it wasnt like oh i think id like to sped the day alone, do you wat a ride home - it was just ‘fuck off’ without being ‘fuck off’. and i don’t deserve that. 

on top of this, during sex he asked outright if anyone else has touched me. not like ~oh no one else ca touch you or ~would you let anyone touch you - just outright ‘have you let anyone’ and its not a light thing. its not joking. if i said yes it would hurt and we’d probably stop. but the parameters he stil puts forth is that he “cant” cheat. but what about me? and why am i used like this? i literally spoke _no words_. 

its very unhealthy. and i dont believe its about me. i’m glad ive come so far in personal relationships that i am able to seperate myself from them and not take things personally.and like i do feel “used” but its not like this is the absolute worst part of it. he said to me, “you havent been around long enough - this is what i do, im excited about something until im not and then i drop everything and go to the next thing” -- as if i havet been witnessing this the entire time weve been together. its all one exciting thing to the next and nothig is ever what its hoped to be. 

and hes very negative. which i guess is a bit ironic coming from me. but everything - everything sucks. and like to its greatest pit of whatever terrible thing it could have. you know - “king of the losers”. acknowledging that “i’m” okay but its really just being on top of a pile of shit. 

its just.. its getting too hard to remain optimistic about a future with him. whatever my life is doesnt affect him nearly as much as his does me. my whole life is built around being available to him and i was okay with this becuse it was like “investing” in a future i wanted to have. or i do want to have. i want a partner. some “family”. but i just dont feel optimistic like this is going to lead to idyllic happiness. not the way he sees it. and why should i spend my time following such a volatile perso who is unable to commit to anything. i guess it was easy to walk away because i thought like - what if i was across the country? what if i coulnt just walk away from this rude person and i was _stuck_? i dont want that and i guess if i dont want that, i dont want him. i’m just... too scared to live with him. like i want to live with him. i reall really do but everything in my being says omg no. no no no no. anyone i told that this was a thing would tell me absolutely do not move across the country with this person. its not like.. dont change. dont live somewhere else. its that this particular person is very ... not the right person to do this with. maybe i need to be a ifferent person too. maybe i need to be a very strong indpendent individual who works super hard and hustles lots of cash an then its all just fun and games and wooo life. but i cannot be dependent on this person. they are not dependable in any way shape or form. they are a fucking prayer. and in order for me to make such huge changes in life i would be very dependent on this person. especially right now. maybe in two years ill be a better version of me but the me right now would need a lot of hand holding an encouragement to make such drastic life changes and decisions. 

if it was plausible to just get a nice apartment in this city together - great. thank you. not even long term, lets just exist with each other before making giant life decisions. thats a marriage. with no commitment. i cant. i just cant. 

and you know - i’m very sympathetic. i know exactly what it feels like. to have no fucking clue what you want, where to go, what to do, who to be friends with, who to have a relationship with - i get it. i’m really confused too. and this is such a shitty time - i dont know if other times have been more shitty but this seems like a pretty shitty time after society going through so many wars in the past 100 years that have grown more powerful under the advancements and like we, collectively, are different people from 50 years ago so what was “right” and “good” 50 years ago is not relevant to today and we are floating without guidance. how do we survive now? weve evolved to a different mental state and we dont know how to nourish this. its like falling into great advancements with no mental capacity to understand their affect on the social psyche. 

theyre right.  the colective “they” - your parents have little to do with your chances. their social standing and coping amongst evolution to bring them to such standing has a lot more to do with your chances but if along the line you figure out your way of coping in evolution then you may rise above or find your own level of “happiness” which is mostly fulfilling basic personal needs. but when evolution continually transitions through different ways to fulfill these basic needs or possibly gives you even more ways to do this, it becomes more difficult to realize how you will find your way to cope in evolution. milennials are realy seen as weak and a joke; like re-branded hippies but focused on mental health and emotions, “refusing” employment to ‘feel better’ in life when there was a time when people just took any job because the only way to cope within that evolution was to exhance your service for money or boarding itself. thats not the case anymore. society evolved in such a way that this generation is capable of fulfilling may basic personal needs sometimes by just existing; perhaps their parents pay for food and shelter and provide them with clothing well into their “adult” years. many older generations started working to SURVIVE at 12 - 14 years old. our generation worked because “thats what you do” or to save up for an iphone. most of our grandparents worked to buy bottles of milk or to help the family or for their own vehicle but why save for one when your parents let you drive theirs anyways?

and again - it’s not the parents fault. it’s now easy in society for parents to do this. a large majority of parents, nd the majority leads the collective society. could my parents? no. but a lot of people around me did have parents that did this and my parents cared for me in other ways. society allowed them to breed children who would become introspective because they were no longer in such dire straits for survival. and older generations are upset about this - dont you know they had to want to die regularly to survive? why shouldt we? 

so as we gain this introspective into ourselves and “new” psychological ideas come up and vast people are “diagnosed”, it becomes harder to accept things which harm our psyche. so we get a big rise in racial inequality and gay rights and things which seem “liberal” but is simply termed this way because some people - maybe a large amount even, could not refuse employment and worked to survive even in this era. that was the generational hand down - exchange your service for money or starve. and theyre not “in the wrong”. other things affect how you build your coping tools - where you live, the climate of politics etc. maybe you realy just had to do that and there wasnt time to invest in this modern evolution of introspection. you dont have time to look within when youre starving on the outside. so this resentmet and bitterness builds between these two sides which may even exist in the same generation but neither of them is wrong. should one work to survive? probably. animals hunt most of their lives. we should probably work to survive. no one can just be handed food ad shelter forever unless you’re a very unique and special person in royalty. and 99.9% of us are not. but should we also kill our psyche? animals dont deal with smart phones and insurance rates and credit scores and bankruptcy. they just go out and take what they want and our society has evolved past this. so we cannot just assume you just work to survive when survival has been complicated. it takes a higher level of thinking which wemay not fully even comprehend at this stage in the evolution. 

i think psychology is very important because we dont understand why people are people. we dont know. we know why the sky is blue but we dont know why we are people. and not just psychology but science and the belief of how our being, our physical being on this planet came to be. we collectively have not agreed despite the very obvious misgivings of current theological theories. 

how or in what way should you survive on this planet? why are we required to exist as we are in this society upon birth. like all of these rules and obligations an responsibilities of being a “good human” are placed on you for the rest of your life and all you did was be born. all you want are basic needs fulfilled but you cant even do that until you acknowledge the land you were popped out on to does not belong to you so you abide by these rules now whether you want to or not. and thats just government and law but on this deeper spectrum its an obligation to be a ‘good child’ a ‘good citizen’ - pay your taxes, go to work, have children, buy a house; these are the quest objectives. but why? i think our generation is not the first to ask why but the first in a very long long time to ask why are we doing it this way. not so much why are we here. many of us have decided for ourselves. but why are we livingin society in this particular way and what can we do to survive in a society which is not designed to really benefit anyone. its not about that homeless man geting up and feeding himself, its about taking responsibility to feed that person. animals do a better job at this and we feel we’re in evolved thinking. 

society has become very convoluted and confused which has bred confusion in its most recent generation. ive lived a very unique life and yet feel the same way abou these things as my peers because the “temperature” of the environment is the same. its hot, we all know its hot an we’re trying to figure out ways to deal whether its running through a sprinkler, going to a public pool or looking ridiculous in a kiddie pool on your front lawn. it’s gross, it’s not a good time, no one wants to do anything and we’re not feeling it. and this evolution is like climate change. there is absolutely still people capable of coping under this stress, farmers still work, lumberjack still cut wood but theyre fucking miserable and they do it because theyre used to feeling like they want to die to survive. but its getting hotter and its getting harder and even though they feel it the only thing they know is to keep working until they cant anymore then die crippled and miserable. being popped out inexperienced and then thrown into a change which even the experienced are struggling with creates a lot of unrest. a lot of anxious and depressed people. 

what do we do? what should we do? you cant change society you can only follow the ebb and flow like flock of birds or schools of fish. this is how we cope as humans, to live as a society. and if society is in upheaval it directly affects the ability to easily obtain our basic needs. 

i used to feel envious of stupid people. like atleast they didnt ~know this shit. because this felt depressing. like being stupi would be easier and id be happier but those who choose to remain ignorant or passive hurt a lot and they struggle through some of the barest traps society has created durig this shitty time and now i feel sorry for them. spinning your wheels over and over, dragging yourself through the mud, throwing away money, living extravagantly and ignorantly but going absolutely no where. not going up, down, side ways - no where. i’m there too. i’m right there too on the train stopped at the station waiting to fucking go and we’re here nd we’re buying shit from the dining car and we’re chatting and excited but we’re not goig and we’re not really sure why and we’re all talking about why we’re not going but we’re still not going but hey atleast hey still got cookies. 

no one person is driving the train either. its like a group effort where everyone on the train has to believe youre moving forward for it to start but if one jack ass thinks youre not, then its a complete halt. 

life is hard but i dont think alot of people realize exactly how hard it is. im trying to learn to appreciate the little things. people with greater minds who had better understanding and less luxuries of the era coped with appreciating little things. taking bike rides in the fall in the nice downtown streets; it’s been a highlight of the season. painting in a studio this week; sure it was not glamorous or anything but i actively went out and created art with others. my room is neat and clean and organized. i did laundry with ease on my own time for free. 

i wasnt upset i “had to” walk home. i apreciated the fall weather & buzz of halloween approaching, time to think without screens of distraction, exersize and activity, the ability to buy cat food & cat litter. im not angry about it. i’m tired of being angry about a train im not really driving. if i can never truly conceptualize what i want because of society why keep trying. why cry over spilled milk.